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hailsatanacab · 5 months

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Family Dinners - dpxdc

"Holy shit, you're Bruce Wayne!" Danny gaped, jabbing a finger at the man sitting at the head of the table.

The bustling dining room goes silent as everyone turns to look at him.

"Danny, who did you think was going to be here?" Tim asks, disbelief plain in his voice and Danny feels his face flush red.

"Sorry, I, uh, I guess I just never put it together. Tim Drake-Wayne. Wayne Manor. It, uh, makes sense now." He laughs sheepishly and scrubs at his neck before slumping back down into his chair.

"Well," Tim says with an indulgent sigh, "at least I know you're not just friends with me for my connections."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry, I just never thought about it, I guess."

Danny sinks lower as everyone around him laughs. Come to dinner, he said, the food is the best, he said, ignore the family, he said. Danny really wishes he'd listened to Tim and just ignored them—almost as much as he's regretting accepting the offer in the first place—but... he's having dinner with Batman.

Ancients, that's so weird!

The last time he saw Batman was in the future and, suffice it to say, it was not going well. There hadn't really been time for family dinners there.

Wait. Family dinners?

He peers around the table, openly gawking at everyone as it all clicks into place.

"Everything alright, Danny? Now realising who everyone else is?" Tim asks with a roll of his eyes.

"Uh... something like that..." Danny mumbles as everyone laughs again.

From further down the table, the smallest Wayne scoffs and clicks his tongue.

"I thought you said he was smart, Drake?"

"So, you all do it, too, then?" he asks, ignoring the jibe. Danny's only a little bit jealous as he thinks of how much easier they must have it, how much easier it'd be if his family had been on his side, too. "You all work together?"

"Nah," Dick says from across the table with a brilliant grin. "Tim's the only one that works with Bruce, we all have different jobs. I'm a police officer in Bludhaven."

"Disgusting." Danny blurts out without thinking—because seriously, what kind of self-respecting vigilante would also be a police officer?—before clapping a hand over his mouth. "Sorry."

The whole table laughs again, the loudest being the blonde girl a few spaces down from Dick. Look, Danny wasn't really paying attention to names when they were all paraded in front of him. Dick only gets remembered because his name is a joke.

Come on, Danny, recover!

"That's, uh, not what I meant, though."

"Oh?" Dick asks, cocking his head slightly to the side. Is it Danny's imagination or does his smile tense slightly?

"Yeah, I mean like, you know, in costume. It must make it so much easier to have everyone together like this."

"Costume? What do you mean?"

Yeah, Danny's not imagining it, everyone tenses up at that. It's really only now that he's realising that this probably isn't how he should bring up that he knows about their... night time activities. In fact, he probably shouldn't be bringing it up at all.

"Uuhhh..." Danny looks wildly around the table as he continues making his stupid noise. Think, think, think! There must be a way out of this!

"Danny?" Tim asks, looking concerned.

"Oh, Ancients, this isn't how I wanted it to go at all," he mutters, slipping even further into his chair. He's almost on the floor now and he so, so wishes it could just swallow him up.

His real first meeting with Batman was meant to be cool! He had planned to be Phantom, maybe save them from a tight spot, prove his worth as a mysterious and powerful ally as thanks for the help Batman gave him in the future.

"Danny, what are you talking about?" Tim starts tugging on his sleeve in an attempt to pull him back up from his pit of despair.

Eventually, Danny relents and sits up straighter, hiding his face in his hands and whining all the while.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't expect him to be here and it threw me off so now I look stupid and it's so embarrassing!" he wails, flailing his arms wide. "Why wouldn't you warn me that Batman was your adopted dad, Tim? Couldn't you have let me know?"

"I'm sorry, what? Danny are you alright? There's no way Bruce can be Batman, look at him!"

"Yeah," the blonde girl laughs from the bottom of the table, "look at him! That's a wet noodle of a man! Batman can actually do things, B is incapable of pretty much everything."

"Thank you, Stephanie," Bruce sighs, massaging his forehead.

It's... Those are the first words Danny's heard Batman say since everything went down and it's enough to knock him out of his embarrassment.

It's really good to hear his voice again. Especially now, when it's strong and healthy and full of personality—even if that personality is little more than a tired father right now—far better than how it had been, at the end.

Danny sits up, back straight, and grins. He's got this. He remembers it perfectly. Some people count sheep to fall asleep, Danny repeats his mantra to be certain that he'll never forget it.

"Gamma alpha upsilon tau iota mu epsilon, 42, 63, 28, 1 colon 65 dash 9."

Once again, the whole table falls into silence.

"Holy shit..." breathes the other D name (Duke? Danny's pretty sure he's Signal) from opposite Stephanie. "Isn't that...?"

"The time travelling code." The littlest Wayne says stiffly. "We have met in the future?"

"That's not just the time travelling code, Dami." Dick says, looking between Danny and Bruce. "That's the family time travelling code."

Danny's grin freezes in place.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"1 colon 65 dash 9." Dick explains, still flicking between him and Bruce. "It means you've been adopted into the family and we should all treat you as such, no questions asked."

"Tell you what, I'm about to ask a question." Danny says, dumbstruck. "You just told me it was a code to identify time travellers, not anything about being adopted! What the hell, B?"

Bruce looks about as shellshocked as Danny feels.

"We must have been close," he says finally, after opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water a few times.

"No! Not that close!" Danny reels back, taking a deep breath ready to refute it all, but... "Well, I mean, you found me when I first got stuck, and you helped me get better despite being... And then we fought together against the, uh, bad guy, before he, um, he... before you couldn't."

An uncomfortable beat passes while they all pick up on what Danny tried so hard not to say.

"So, you're not from the future, then, you travelled there and came back?" Tim asks, breaking the tension and leaning forward with a glint in his eye.

"Yeah, it was a whole end of the world thing, but don't worry about it," Danny says with a hand wave, "It's all kosher now, won't ever happen."

"What did happen?"

"Seriously, don't worry about it, we cool."

"How long in the future was it?"

"About ten years? You were pretty spry for an old man, B," Danny laughs, wishing they'd get off the topic of what happened and get back to the adoption bit.

Everyone shares degrees of a cautious smile as they relax out of the shock, and Dick—whose grin is the biggest—says, "No wonder you got the family code, you're already riffing on him like one of us. How long were you there for?"

"A week, before I managed to get back to my present and stop him then."

"A week? Jeez, B, that has to set some kind of record, seriously."

"Oh!" Danny says, sitting bolt upright and blinking in surprise before pointing at Dick and bouncing in his seat. "You're Nightwing!"

"What?"

"That's exactly what Nightwing said when Batman told me the code! Makes so much more sense now."

Dick laughs and claps his hands, delighted.

"You were not formally adopted?" The grumpy small one—Dami?—asks, his face pinched.

"I didn't even know I was informally adopted."

"And your parents? Are they alive or dead?"

"Damian, stop—"

"They were dead in the future, but they're alive now." Danny says, looking down. He fiddles with the tablecloth, twisting the fabric around his fingers as he fights down the pang of sadness that he always feels when he thinks of them now. He forces a bright smile on his face and hopes it doesn’t look too strained. "I just, uh, can't talk to them much, anymore."

"Damian," Dick warns, "1 colon 65 dash 9. Treat them as family, no questions asked."

"This is Damian treating him as family, the little turd has no manners." Tim scoffs, rolling his eyes, but he gently bumps shoulders with Danny to knock him out of his funk. Danny can't help but send him a watery smile.

"I have the most exemplary manners, Drake, unlike some people." Damian spits, crossing his arms with a pout. "I was merely ascertaining his status to see how he could possibly fit into the family."

"I know this is all a bit sudden, Danny," Bruce smiles, ignoring Damian and reaching out to lay a warm hand on his arm, "for all of us. But if I felt strongly enough to give you that code after spending a week with you in the future, then you are more than welcome in this family, if you so choose it. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we'd like to get to know you a bit more."

"I know a threat when I hear it, Bruce." Danny snorts. "But, yeah, I get it. I'm sorry this is all so weird, it really wasn't how I wanted to find you again, but... I'm glad I did."

"So are we, Danny." Dick says, with a warm smile. "And formally or not, 1 colon 65 dash 9 means you're family. Welcome to the fun house! No take backs or refunds, sorry. You're stuck with us."

#dpxdc #dcxdp #dc x dp #dp x dc crossover #batpham #hailsatanacrab🦀🦀writes #look. this has been in my mind for so long guys so long - and idk if its canon that the batfam have codes for time travel situations or what #but i feel like ive seen it before and if its not canon it should be #so here - how i think that would be funny to go down #i have so many thoughts about TUE and its place in a dpxdc crossover like holy shit there's so many ways it can go!!#i have another wip in the works thats kinda similar to this but with superman and i cannot wait to work on it again #there are so many ways i wanted this to go but i just couldnt get there - i wanted to keep it on the shorter side but like #perhaps ill have to expand #i just love the idea that like. theres a stranger at your table who knows you and knows you well. who knows the secret that youd die to keep #there's a stranger at your table and he says something and you know he's family. you know you're strangers but now...#now you have to be something more #oh man theres so many juicy ways it can go and I KNOW I DID NONE OF THEM #i want to write this whole plot again and make it angstier #(me with everything)#anyway! sorry love you all hope you enjoy it!!

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breadandblankets · 6 months

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au where the bats manage to stay urban legends, sure other heroes know of them, but they help largely from the shadows, they aren't put on display and they're hardly known at All outside of the strange circle of gotham's goons

that changes when duke thomas stares batman down and says on no uncertain terms that he's working day shift

the signal is Gotham's first confirmed superhero, and he wears a bat on his chest

social media goes Wild fighting over whether the Batman existed all along or if someone finally got the tech and powers to make the bat (or a bat) Real

suddenly the world of superheros feels a lot more real to the citizens of Gotham who got used to horrible disasters being either ignored or neatly cleaned away from the public eye, now there's a guy getting thrown through windows and helping grannies cross the street and the war between gotham and metropolis gets even more cut throat

#duke thomas #bruce wayne #batman #batfam #bread talk #i think it would be very interesting if social media invents some beef between superman and a literal 16 yr old #that would be So fucking funny #to me #not to them #they have to do like pr and publicity things to be like nope we are sure friends and he's like my step foster father once removed #and u know what #tim drake #lmao #thats for me #batfamily #you know the general Thems

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mikeluciraphgabe · 11 months

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I think there should be more fics about Gothamites talking back to the bats - specifically Batman

“Get inside” “you’re not my dad”

“Stop trying to fight the joker, PLEASE” “fuck you, I do what I want”

“The streets aren’t safe tonight” “bro it’s Thursday, one of chillest days. Please shut the fuck up about telling me about gotham like I wasn’t born here thanks”

#i think it’s funny #gothamite #only in gotham #gotham #gotham city #Batman #batfam #batfamily #bruce wayne batman #bruce wayne #dick Grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #cassandra cain #duke thomas

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finemealprompt · 12 days

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DP x DC Prompt #9

When Phantom joined the Justice League, he wasn’t prepared to be approached by Batman of all people. He had been warned to not take everything Batman says to you personally, but that he was a great hero.

Batman had a request. A simple one, at least according to Batman. He asked Phantom to meet an anti-hero who had come back from the dead and had some … nasty side effects.

Phantom, intrigued, agreed. Batman set a time and place, and Phantom showed up. But, Phantom thought Batman had said the one in the red helmet was the undead.

He doesn’t understand why everyone freaks out when Phantom approaches the vigilante with half a cowl dressed in black and red. This boy reeked of death, did Batman seriously not know?

#finemeal prompt #dp x dc #danny fenton #tim drake #batman #batfam #tim drake is some kinda fucked up #for what reason?#who knows #but i thought it’d be funny to have someone else a lil fucked up from deatg #jason todd is gonna make fun of tim so much for this you already know XD #y’all think tim’s obsession would be batman?#or vigilantism?#idk could be fun

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spectral-honey · 2 years

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AU where Jason gets his revenge by becoming a lawyer and getting joker sentenced to the death penalty

Bruce is conflicted about it but any time he tries to say anything on the subject Alfred just talks over him like "oh we're so proud of you master Jason you finished college and you didn't even use your father's extensive resources that could've easily gotten someone in this family a degree aren't we so proud master Bruce that Jason got himself a respectable profession--"

#jason todd #red hood #batfam #i also think it would be funny if thats literally the only thing jason does as a lawyer after that he just goes back to being a vigilante #everyone on the internet is like 'the iconic career of jason todd wayne: came back from the dead got a college degree got the joker-#-sentenced to death (finally) and then immediately fucked off to do whatever the hell it is he does for fun'#any time bruce and jason disagree jasons like 'excuse me which one of us is the college drop out and which of us is a practicing attorney?'#alfred 'you could have been a doctor but you became a furry themed vigilante instead' will never let this go #also btw jason just stole reasources from the league to get thru college. maybe at first talia was like what & then jason was like #'my alternate plan was to either get bruce to kill the joker or kill all three of us in an explosion' and talia is like #'okay. have fun at school sweetie'#BTW AN EDIT: this post is not reflective of my IRL beliefs about the criminal justice system or the death penalty #IRL those are way more complicated than gotham city/the joker/jason make it out to be #saw a few people tagging this post mentioning stuff about that

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nookisms · 8 months

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The Riddler: Riddle me thi- Is that a fucking kid.

Dick Grayson, a non-native English speaker: What does fucking mean?

The Riddler: Fuck- I mean shit- I mean it's a grown up word, ask your dad about it

[A Few Years Later]

The Riddler: Riddle me th- Is that another fucking kid

Jason Todd, raised in Crime Alley his entire life: Who the hell you calling a fucking kid? I'll beat your ass motherfucker, you and me right now.

The Riddler: Wow you are. Something.

[A Few Years After That]

The Riddler: Riddle me- Where the fuck are you getting these children?

Tim Drake, raised in high society but also not raised at all: That's a naughty word sir.

The Riddler: At least you're polite

[A Few More Years Later]

The Riddler: Riddle m- WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ONE HAVE A SWORD!?

Damian Wayne, above silly things like Vulgar Language: I Was Expecting A Battle Of Wits, But You Appear To Be Unarmed.

The Riddler: WHY DOES HE TALK LIKE THAT???

#there is now Bonus Content in the reblogs #DC #Dick Grayson #Jason Todd #tim drake #Damian Wayne #edward nygma #Batfam #incorrect quotes #incorrect dc quotes #this all started with me and my friends going ''riddle me this- is that a fcking kid''#stop telling me to not censor it's a personal choice I've been here nearly ten years #anyway this is what I think they were like at the very beginning #they changed of course but it's very funny to think this #she speks #she speks originale

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spacedace · 8 months

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Thinking about the untapped comedic potential of the Batfam explaining to new hero in Gotham & literal ghost Phantom that they don't kill people.

And Danny, professional menace, responding with "What? You guys have a problem with dead people or something?" In the most serious, insulted voice he can manage just to watch them squirm.

(Jason is having a great time)

#dc x dp #dp x dc #dpxdc #danny phantom #batfam #danny fenton #jason todd #i just think it'd be funny #like danny *knows* why they don't kill people - *he* doesn’t kill people either #but also the look on their faces as they think they've just accidentally insulted their new ghost friend #just *chefs kiss* keeps his gremlin heart fed for weeks #please take this as a prompt by the by #dp x dc prompt

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ktkat99 · 1 month

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Roy- Listen to me. You're new, so you might not know this yet, but what's the worst thing about dating a Wayne?

Bernard- Uhh, Bruce's shovel talk?

Roy- No.

Bernard- The late hours they're always working?

Roy- No.

Roy- You'll never be able to steal their clothes.

Roy- They all steal each other's clothes and no one knows what belongs to who half the time.

Roy- I swiped Bruce's housecoat last Christmas because I thought it was Jason's and I still can't look him in the eye

#batman #batfam #bruce wayne #jason todd #bernard dowd #roy harper #jayroy #timber #timbern #batfam incorrect quotes #roy still has the housecoat #he cant work up the nerve to return it #and jason thinks its too funny to do it for him

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kieran-granola · 6 months

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Dick enters the Cave and hears Dami's horrified screaming. He blinks and sees Tim at the Batcomputer, huddled over a Zesti looking like a supervillain.

Dick: "What are you doing to Damian?"

Tim: "Training."

Dami: [AGONIZED SCREAMING FROM A DISTANCE]

Dick, mildly: "Elaborate."

Tim: "He said no one could beat him with a sword. I bet him ten bucks I could program someone to beat him in the Holodeck."

Dick: "Right, and?"

"See for yourself." Tim switches the screen of the Batcomputer back on to the holodeck's cameras. Damian is impaled on a giant sword. The simulation resets.

A woman's voice comes out of the speakers. "I am Malenia, blade of Miquella..."

Dick: "...You didn't."

Tim, grinning like a loon: "Oh, but I did."

Dick: "How many times has he died so far?"

Tim: "34. He almost gave up at 15, but I told him some guy I know managed to beat her naked with a jar on his head."

Dick, sitting down to watch: "You're a monster."

Tim: "It's what he deserves for telling me video games are for losers."

#tim drake #dick grayson #damian wayne #batfam #brothers are evil #also i know that the Elden ring hype is long dead but i still think it's funny #kieran writes

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cryptar · 1 year

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au where ALL the batkids inherit bruces adopting problem, but it's for kids that remind them of themselves

When a hyper-intelligent juvenile figures out his identity and starts following him around on patrol the only thing Tim can think is that this is karma

Steph sees any spunky kid with a villain parent and a hunger for justice and goes 'mine.'

An angry, bitter kid shows up at the police station and Dick immediately starts teaching them how to juggle

Jason reiterates to himself that he's not anything like bruce while collecting crime alley kids like pokemon cards

The little redheaded techie from Barbaras workplace accidently calls her mom and she nearly cries

When a mute youth with a truly horrible father needs a place to call home, Cass doesn't hesitate when inviting them into hers.

it only makes sense for Duke to take the new meta-vigilante under his wing, right? right??

Damian doesn't realise he's mentally adopted the small, scruffy assassin sent after him until he's reading them a bedtime story.

none of them tell eachother until there's a family reunion and then it's just

#alfred thinks its funny and bruce is so smug #alfreds alive btw that man will outlive all of us #batman #batfam #batkids #cassandra cain #barbara gordon #stephanie brown #dick grayson #damian wayne #duke thomas #jason todd #tim drake #ill legit make fankid ocs for this au istg i love it #edit: im glad people are enjoying the spiderman meme #i worked hard on that >:]#prompt #cryptic ramblings

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bet-on-me-13 · 1 year

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Bruce Wayne beats the shit out of a Vampire!!! Not Clickbait!!!

SO, after Danny is adopted by the Batfam and they accept his Halfa Status, he gives them all their own special Fenton Deflector Badges that will prevent them from being overshadowed and lets them touch ghosts even while intangible

Of course Vlad finds out that his little Badger got adopted by an entirely separate Billionaire and wants to get revenge.

So one day, while Bruce is walking down the street, Vlad tries to overshadow him. He is hoping that he will be able to destroy Bruce’s public reputation and then sell himself Wayne Enterprises, making himself the richest man in the world and making Danny run to him instead.

What actually happens in that Vlad collides face first with Bruce’s back and is knocked to the ground. Bruce turns around, recognizes Vlad, and starts beating the everloving crap out of him.

And across the street, some people are recording it. It looks like a Looney Toons Sequence, with Bruce and Vlad fighting with a bench concealing their view, Vlad and Bruce appearing above a bench, with Vlad holding bruce in a chokehold before Bruce kicks him in the *redacted* and they both fall out of view again, Vlad trying to crawl away before Bruce drags him back behind the bench, Bruce standing up just in view above the bench, and then proceeding to deliver an Elbow Drop. Basically every comedic fight element you can think of.

The Video gets posted to Youtube and goes Viral within the day.

Danny has a GIF of Vlad trying to crawl away and getting dragged back as his Screensaver. The GIF if him getting kicked in the *redacted* is his Background.

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marsafter-dark · 4 months

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Ok, boomer.

#dc #dc comics #batfam #tim drake #jason todd #red robin #red hood #I can’t decide if I think Tim is saying this to nightwing or Batman #but it’s definitely one of them and Jason thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s heard in weeks #my art #digital art #batbros #fanart #dc fanart #I hope this is as funny to y’all as it is to me and my very feverish mind #could be jaytim if u want

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weewoow-20706030 · 11 months

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I think it's funny to think that Damian is one of the last guesses when people get asked which is Bruce's bio kids.

Like- only gothamites know which is the bio kid. Think about it, a gothamite asks someone from metropolis who is the bio son of this tall white man with straight black hair and blue eyes, very muscular figure. It's either:

Slightly tan guy with blue eyes and black hair with a slight wave. Who is tall and lean.

White man with black hair and green eyes, built like a tank and towering over most.

White man with straight black hair and blue eyes, and short.

A black kid.

A Chinese girl.

A boy with brown skin, black hair and green eyes.

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webshood · 2 months

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Duke Thomas is actually the Wayne's family pretty boy.

He's a genius of his own, one of the smartest people in the family, his meta powers are like no other and despite being the one who does the day shift he's handling vigilantism, school and his newfound modeling career in stride.

Duke started modeling, because the Wayne family doesn't actually have a public nepobaby. Dick is a cop, Jason is legally still dead by his own request, Cass is not the biggest fan of the media, Steph is technically not a part of the family and Tim is already their corporate nepobaby, Damian is still a kid, so Duke had to take in the reins and assume the role of "famous person who only got that far, due to his family".

He was hesitant about it at first not sure if he could pull it off, but slowly with Bruce as backing and the Wayne Enterprises public relations department on call, he's been recognized as a nepobaby. He's doing every type of publicity, fashion photoshoots, he was Coca-Cola's face for six months, he's the one with a Samsung exclusivity partnership, he's always attending the met gala, going on movie premieres.

People are tired of seeing his face everywhere, when he got cast on the role of a originally white character, the internet was in shambles they were throwing tantrums and screaming about accuracies, but all of that got overshadowed by him appearing on Forbes with Bruce on a father and son photoshoot, where Bruce called him "the son who takes after me the most, he has an aura that attracts every camera on the room, he's like a beam of light."

People got even more pissed with it, after all Bruce isn't even his real dad what does he mean with "who takes after me the most"??? Is he that stupid? Dear god, how can these people have this much money and act like that

#dc comics #the signal #duke thomas #headcanon #give me nepobaby batkids #batfam #duke is the type of guy ppl see all the time on tiktok #he's the first black man to get “white guy of the month-fied”#he thinks it's funny #jason todd #bruce wayne #damian wayne #cassandra cain #dick grayson #tim drake #bruce likes to act like he's actually the one who gave birth to all his kids abd that they all share his DNA (he didn't)

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