#because he’s a damn good fucking sect leader and he can be respectful

[jaimebluesq]

oooo for the AU Ask Game, an alternate universe where JYL marries someone else who isn't Jin Zixuan? (your choice on who she marries and why!)

Oooh this is a fun one! All right, here we go... this might change EVERYTHING lol

Who does JYL marry? There is absolutely no question in my mind that the best option in terms of inter-sect connections, and a desire on JC and WWX's parts that she be safe and cared for, is for her to marry Nie Mingjue. She would have had a chance to get to know him during the Sunshot campaign, and we all know NMJ drinks respect -women-juice for breakfast - and is a big softie, like look what he lets his brother get away with >.< So yeah, JYL goes to Qinghe and gets a spare didi out of the deal!

But why does she marry? Because yes, she still has feelings for JZXuan, but he's still a man-child who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it ;) But seriously, we have YMJ which is still rebuilding after the war and likely getting more and more in debt to get the supplies and manpower to fix up Lotus Pier, not to mention attracting new disciples to feed and clothe, so they'd need an alliance with another great sect - one that's stable financially and could even help YMJ. Gusu is still rebuilding as well, so they're out, and we've eliminated the Jin. THankfully Qinghe is a solid option all around (as stated above). And JYL has known from the time she was young that she would marry for an alliance, not for love - she would be the one to sit JC and WWX down to tell them it needs to be done (when they hear her suggestion of NMJ, that's the thing that gets them on board - they would have fought just about anyone else).

So at Koi Tower, things might be a little more uncertain because these clans are based on hereditary hierarchy, and without an heir along Jin Zixuan's line, his position is uncertain even if he's the only legitimate son. So JGS pushes for a marriage - even worse when he sees Qin Su's pursuit of JGY, because he'll be DAMNED if he allows JGY to marry before JZXuan. Sadly, I have no idea who he'd marry, probably the daughter of a smaller sect's leader (Yao or Ouyang maybe), but it would be a rushed deal and will make poor JZXuan miserable - but he'll do it because it's what's expected of him, and even though he will not love his wife, he will still give her far more respect than his father gave his mother (I know, low bar, but the boy is TRYING).

So with JYL engaged to NMJ by the time of the Phoenix Mountain Hunt, things go a little different - yes WWX will bust out the Wen remnants and fuck out of dodge, but JYL will go to NMJ and ask him to help WWX (at the very least give him a chance to explain instead of denouncing him with everyone else). This turns the tide for many things because once NMJ sees the conditions of the Burial Mounds and what's left of the Wen, he will be amenable to helping - but will do so under the condition that WWX give up demonic cultivation (and in fact he suggests Nie cultivation as an alternative - this will lead to a sad moment when WWX FINALLY comes up with a proper story and claim that WZL melted his core to explain that he's core-less, and after much crying all around, they can finally move forward from this mess).

So the Nie will lend their protection to the Wen in the Burial Mounds and actually suggest they move up into Qinghe - not by the Unclean Realm, but he will give them land to live on that isn't full of resentful energy, and they will have QHN's protection. This is good, and in return, a certain doctor meets NMJ and will start researching his condition to treat (and hey, if you wanna have fun, have her join NMJ & JYL, I'm easy ;)

So yeah! One change and everything changes like dominos :D

Thank you for the ask!

[featherfur]

No okay I’m thinking about the 13/16 year gap between Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng again and how far away they are and not because of the siege. No instead it’s because Jiang Cheng grew up and Wei Wuxian wasn’t there.

Wei Wuxian is 13/16 years behind the man who Jiang Cheng has become. There’s some things that haven’t changed, Jiang Cheng still names his pets the fluffiest names, he still chows down like a maniac whenever he sees anything citrus, he won’t touch water chestnuts, he likes using two swords for training both hands equally, all things that Wei Wuxian remembers.

But there’s so much he never had the chance to learn.

He doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng now takes sweet tea with lemon cakes under a pavilion at exactly noon every day. He doesn’t know Jiang Cheng thinks the word “cork” is the funniest thing because of one joke Chao Bolin said. He doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng now guards his right more heavily and forgets to guard his left because he’s so used to moving in a three man team of him and his senior disciples. He doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng let’s himself be bullied by the disciples into having parties. He doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng is willing to wield two swords and trust another disciple with Zidian. He doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng tried and failed to learn how to paint fans and Jin Ling definitely has them hidden away for laughs.

Wei Wuxian wasn’t there to learn those things. He has so much catching up to do but first he needs to learn that his shidi isn’t his shidi anymore. Wei Wuxian knows his little brother who grew up beside him but now that spot he stood in has been taken by Jiang disciples who guard it jealously.

Wei Wuxian gets struck by surprise when he sees Jiang Cheng actually smile at a joke that a junior makes. He chokes on tea when Jiang Cheng very carefully lifts up a bottle of wine that almost fell off the table and passes it to another disciple to pour on someone’s head and smirks at the fake outrage. He nearly has a heart attack when some merchant storms in and starts screaming and Jiang Cheng doesn’t panic, doesn’t yell back, doesn’t look to him for support like the Jiang Cheng Wei Wuxian remembers would. He simply blinks and calms the merchant down in seconds and starts working on the problem.

The anxious new leader, the socially awkward baby brother, the angry shidi, the lonesome man that Wei Wuxian once knew inside and out… Now stands before him completely different, in a second life that Wei Wuxian only now gets a chance to be a part of and he doesn’t know if there’s room.

#mdzs #the untamed #Jiang Cheng #Jiang sect #okay look #LOOK #there’s so much bull about how JC never changed and yet so much of the story is #only possible because he did change #JC in cloud recess was an awkward baby who just wanted to make his family proud and be a good sect leader and keep his #brother out of trouble even if he has to bow his head for him #post war hes finicky and snappy but he goes out of his way to try and help his brother even when he’s shoved aside and lied too #he still tries to convince Wei Wuxian to come back even with all the Wen shit going on #and then Wei Wuxian leads to the death of his sister and Jiang Cheng goes buck wild with rage and hate and #proceeds to have a perfectly well built sect that has the respect of every single sect leader #no not fear Lan Xichen Sect Leader Yao Nie Huaisang etc #not a single one of them fear him (except maybe if they thought they’d have to fight him but that’s different) #no they /Respect/ him and his sect #and Jiang Cheng sits back and lets Lan Wangji be fucking majorly disrespectful to both him and Jin Ling to avoid starting a fight with #Lan Xichen (WHICH IS LITERALLY HOW THE PART OF THE STORY SAYS IT) #because he’s a damn good fucking sect leader and he can be respectful #Wei Wuxian was just *always* a different story because JC never had to turn his cheek towards him and #WWX never held back on him either it was mutual until WWX couldn’t and JC didn’t know that #and then in the narrative the only time we see JC in novel is when shit is going down and YET by background and narrative of #shit NOT happening we know JC was just doing his job as sect leader because otherwise #there would have been a full on man hunt for WWX at Gusu Lan because JC knows it’s WWX and knows LWJ has him #and yet! #not even mentioning CQL that literally just has JC being a normal dude in the background even at times when his #necromancer homicidal brother is waltzing around in a mask or losing his gourd #my point is #JC did a lot of growing WWX wasn’t there for and it’s time for WWX to start learning his baby older brother and we gonna angst to get there

[drwcn]

follow up to [post] exploring the crack au if lwj was a girl 

〒▽〒 ps im not trying to erase canon lwj representation, not at all, wangxian is mm in all my other fics, this is just stupid fun

in a ceteris paribus situation aka all other things staying equal: 

1) Lan Wangji 100% still has a resting bitch face, which probably would get her a couple of “Lan-er-guniang 美若天仙 (beautiful as an immortal/goddess) but would benefit from smiling more” comments but nobody is that desperate to die yet so, she’s spared. But damn... imagine the sheer number of thirsty boys who’d try to secure a marriage with LWJ. None of them is good enough for Wangji as far as Lan Xichen is concerned. Okay - maybe in Lan Xichen’s opinion, Nie Mingjue is good enough, but he couldn’t be less interested. I see her as I see Huaisang, Xichen please. 

2) Everything interaction between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in Wei Wuxian’s first life is now 500% more scandalous. 

Exhibit A) Their first meeting at the gates; Jiang Cheng immediately felt his spidey senses tingling.  —“You’d sooner have immortals flying out of your ass than get with someone like her. The second jade of Gusu? The pearl in old man Lan’s eyes? C’mon.”  —“Shut up, A-Cheng.” —“Uh-huh.”  —“Also, she’s not that pretty. Her brother Zewu-jun is much better. There’s a reason he’s ranked first.” WWX is still a disaster bi.  — “LMAO, you? Zewu-jun? Please.” 

Exhibit B) Just because LWJ is a girl does not mean WWX grew more brain cells. 

WWX, straight up to Lan Qiren’s face, “Lan-meimei and I - we’re zhiji.” (he means it like we’re kindred spirits, peas of a pod, etc)  LWJ: *does not deny* Lan Xichen: ⚆_⚆ Lan Qiren: ಠ╭╮ಠ

Exhibit C) Lan Wangji getting drunk the first time. Wei Wuxian knew he crossed a line the minute he invited Lan-er-guniang for a drink. Really, WWX, even for you, this is inappropriate. When Lan Wangji fell face first onto the table, Wei Wuxian knew, he fucked up. “Hey....hey...Lan....Lan...-er-guniang,” He poked her. “Don’t...don’t sleep here! You can’t sleep here! If your Uncle finds out or if Jiang-shushu finds out...they’ll skin me alive and then...and then they’ll make me marry you! I don’t want to marry you; you don’t talk and I’m too young!” 

WWX, being a dipshit, “Hey Lan Zhan, call me Wei-gege.”  LWJ, drunk as fuck, “Wei..gege.”  WWX *((( heart )))* ??? 

Exhibit D) The Cold Pond. Okay, so I don’t think Zewu-jun would sabotage his sister’s virtue by sending a stupid teenage boy her way while she’s bathing, but doesn’t mean Su She is above all that. Wei “I didn’t see anything I swear!” Wuxian. Lan “I will gouge out your eyes.” Wangji. Somehow they still end up in the cave. Maybe WWX got in the water after LWJ got out and got sucked into the vortex and LWJ heard the commotion, turned around, saw WWX had disappeared. “Wei Ying?!” A panicked LWJ jumps back into the pond, “Stop fooling around, come out!” 

Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing 👀👀 when LWJ and WWX fall out of the cave together. Also the fact that Lan-er-guniang and Wei-gongzi went missing, together, for two days. Who knows what could’ve happened. I mean anything really. I mean... that’s gotta stir the pot a little were it not for the Yin Iron stealing everyone’s attention away from this bit of juicy scandal. 

Oh the whole story... so much to work with, so little time. 

3) Because Lan Wangji is a girl, now suddenly there’s a high ranking member of the Lan Clan who can host the girls at Cloud Recesses. I mean, Mianmian, Jiang Yanli, Wen Qing, Lan Wangji - SISTERLY FRIENDSHIP. Other than Mianmian, none of the girls are really talkers which suits Lan Wangji perfectly. Even Mianmian’s chatter is endearing.

4) Lan Wangji is absolutely still a powerhouse during the Sunshot Campaign. The inherent aesthetics of fem!lwj telling the Wen goons to “kneel” - no one will deprive me of this.  Also she will still cut off your arm if you cross her - Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao ya better watch out still. 

I am TORN between two options: Lan Wangji tol and kickass or Lan Wangji smol and kickass. On one hand, the aesthetics of willowy elf-like LWJ, on the other hand, 5′2′’ of whoop ass who can and will throw an unconscious wwx over her shoulder firewoman-style and toll him to safety.  

And amongst other things: 

A) Lan Wangji still becomes Chief Cultivator, because excuse me who else is left to clean up this mess? Jiang “Short-fuse” Wanyin? Nie “I won’t do what I’m not intended to do” Huaisang? Jin “13 year-old” Ling? Or Sect Leader Yao?  Technically, being a woman means that she was never Lan Xichen’s heir, but at the end of it, it’s not like Gusu Lan is left with a lot of choices.  Just the poetic justice of Gusu Lan pleading for Lan Wangji to come back when she fully intends to 隐居山野 (retreat into the mountains) with the resurrected WWX.

Lan Wangji being Chief Cultivator would echo Lan Yi’s tenure and rectify the fact that Gusu Lan’s only female head of family “failed”. Lan Yi had to face a mountain of prejudice because she was woman; someone has to say “up yours” to that. A woman as not only the sect master of Gusu Lan but the Chief Cultivator? Love that for Gusu Lans. (⌐■_■) ☞ ☞

B) Because of ~ sexism ~ I wonder if Lan Wangji would get titled “Hanguang” at all even after the Sunshot Campaign. Even Lan Yi, the SL Lan of her time didn’t have a title. Chances are LWJ won’t either. (Note: Violet Spider is not a title, it’s a moniker). So — say after the way Lan Wangji is still just “Lan-er-guniang”, and she does not obtain the title “Han Guang” until after she leaves Cloud Recesses and become rogue. (srsly how did they come up with these titles in canon, did gusu lan just look at 21 year old lwj and be like yah he’s lord light bearer *cue trevor noah stand up joke* why do you call yourself “great” britain? isn’t that a bit presumptuous? shouldn’t you go around doing good things and then let other people come to the conclusion: oh britain look how great you are? same logic with lwj.) 

Lan Wangji, a Jade of Gusu or a nameless rogue, still goes where trouble is, helping those who need it. After laying low for a year or two to heal, Lan Wangji began night hunting. Donned neck to ankle in white silk and tulle, and a weimao (wide brimmed veil hat) obscuring her face, she became known to the people as Hanguang Sanren, the lightbearing wanderer. Gusu’s highest power probably has some idea who she is - or at least they can guess - but the vast majority of people don’t. 

C) Lan Sizhui raised by rogue Lan Wangji as his mum would be different. Still cultured, respectful, but definitely with an air of keeping others at arm’s length. 

For instance, grown-up Sizhui running interference and saving a cohort of gentry disciples on joint hunts.

Jingyi: 这人谁呀？Who is this guy? Zizhen: 多谢兄台搭救之恩，小可看您眼生，敢问兄台尊姓大名，何门何派，改日当登门拜访. Many thanks for saving us. I don’t believe we’ve met, pray tell what is your name and sect, so we may visit at a later time to thank you for tonight. Sizhui: 在下无门无姓 ，单名思追 。举手之劳不足挂齿 ，怎敢劳烦各位名门子弟答谢。My name is Sizhui, belonging to no family and to no sect. As for tonight - I only did what anyone would; it bears no mentioning and requires no thanks. Jin Ling: 你这人，看你工力不凡，想和你交个朋友，可你怎么遮遮掩掩的。Hey you, we see you’re a talented cultivator and want to make your acquaintance. Why are you so dodge-y? Zizhen：金陵 — Jing Ling - Sizhui: 若是有缘，还会相见。告辞。If it’s fated, we will meet again. Farewell.  

Later:  Jingyi: 思。追。 思追谁？Si. Zhui. To recollect and long for whom?  Sizhui: 母亲的一位故人. Someone from Mother’s past.  Jingyi: 你父亲？...Your father?  Sizhui: 我不知。I don’t know. 

I thought about how cute it would be if sizhui and jin ling knew each other but guys...Jiang Cheng literally thinks he killed Sizhui’s biological father. Like he literally thinks he orphaned Sizhui before Sizhui is even born. And Lan Wangji would never accept anything from Jiang Wanyin, not that it would stop Jiang Wanyin from trying. 

A package of books here, a new robe for Sizhui there. Lan Wangji doesn’t know how Jiang Cheng keeps finding her. She and Sizhui are nomadic.  

D) The inevitable conversation after wwx is revived. 

You know what would be funnier than Jiang Cheng thinking Sizhui is a wangxian baby is if Lan Qiren thinks Sizhui is a wangxian baby. 

#cql #the untamed #wangxian #lan wangji #wei wuxian #lmao what is this #cql ficlet #corie fics #lwj fic #f!lwj

[randomprose]

jiang cheng with the junior quartet in which they've outgrown their fear of him and they realized sect leader jiang is just a giant grumpy cat with mother-hen tendencies.

when they night hunt with him occasionally he always has snacks and buys them street food if they finish early. he'll scold them for eating unhealthily but buys them the treats anyway. once, ozz said he's never had zongzi so jc bought them all one each from a stall.

he doesn't even say anything to wen ning anymore. when he sees that the juniors are with him, he just gives an acknowledging nod and a gruff reminder directed at the four of them to don't do anything stupid before going on his way. like he trusts them with him.

but anyway, these juniors start to pester jiang cheng whenever they're in yunmeng and they've somewhat learn how to decipher his scowls and screams from normal fond-bordering-on-affectionate ones to actually angry ones—the latter of which is rarely ever directed at them.

they're over at lotus pier whenever JL is. JL doesn't get to go there much now because of his sect leader duties but when he is, he is sure followed by his friends. it's like they've decided lotus pier is their go to headquarters where they can fool around and shit. jiang cheng would pretend he hates it and finds them all a nuisance ("don't you kids have your own sects to go home to?? lotus pier is not your play place! why are you brats always here?!") but he's really glad JL's got friends with him now. he used to be such a lonely child.

overtime, they just randomly pop up even when JL isn't there. jiang cheng is always surprised to see either lsz, ljy, or ozz in the compound saying they were in the area and decided to pop in for a greeting like: hi sect leader jiang! how are you? been to any night hunts lately?

they're over there a lot that they even have their own regular guest quarters by now. ones close to JL's suites in the family compound. they sometimes train with the disciples but otherwise they just mess around lotus pier and swim in the lakes. especially in the summers.

JL is ecstatic! finally! people who understands his jiujiu's weird show of affection other than wwx! JL thinks his jiujiu is just severely misunderstood but he really is just a Big Softie with grumpy tendencies.

oh and he teaches them stuff too obviously, but not in the way that's playful and interactive like wwx or direct like lwj. jiang cheng's wisdom comes in random bouts in the middle of night hunts. small tidbits on fighting born out of experiences from the war and life in general. the profound ones come when he's two bottles deep just before turning in or when they're strolling on busy night markets going home and he doesn't even mean to but the juniors are like 'wow that makes so much fucking sense we never thought of it that way what the fuck.'

when the juniors are night hunting near yunmeng or if lotus pier is their meeting point and jiang cheng doesn't get to come with them, he makes the servants pack them extra snacks or pile them on to JL to share with his friends. the servants are careful not to say anything but they all know it's under sect leader jiang's orders

ohmygod jiang cheng is such an overbearing mother hen. but in a good way! the juniors learned to enjoy it the best they can and needle him into buying them snacks or letting them do stuff they normally wouldn't get away with from wangxian. he's literally the grumpy uncle who's also the most indulgent.

on god can you imagine jiang cheng being THAT UNCLE who lets u get away with small misdemeanors?? ABSOLUTELY INSANE. but he does with the juniors!! like he trusts them to not be so stupid and call for help when need (also they have a fierce corpse as a companion most of the time anyway, so).

some sprinkles of wangxian bc i'm a slut for them: 

wangxian notice that they've been talking a lot about sect leader jiang. “oh,” wwx says, “you went night hunting with jiang cheng? when was this how come i’ve never heardof it?” he's clearly itching to ask more he's practically vibrating.

ljy: don’t worry wei-qianbei you're still our favorite! sect leader jiang is our close 3rd  wwx: 3rd? who's 1 and 2? ozz: you and hgj are #1 of course! wwx: we tied for #1?   ljy: yeah you're practically a package deal. do not separate and all that wwx: who's #2 tho? ozz: wen-qianbei! wwx: huh. valid.

jl: speak for yourselves. jiujiu is my #1. wwx: that's also very valid too a-ling. otherwise i'll have to scold you for being unfilial and jiang cheng will break your legs for breaking his heart.

once while relaying a report, lsz called jiang cheng ‘shūshū’ and wwx had to do a double take because um what? what did you just call jiang cheng? lsz blushed and stuttered an explanation before jl explained obnoxiously:

jl: jiujiu told him to call him that. told him to go to the ancestral hall to pay respects too. he must really like you sizhui.  ljy, #1 sizhui fan: of course he likes sizhui! everyone does! wwx: is it true sizhui? lsz, blushing:...shūshū's nice... wwx:...jiang cheng...shushu...nice..ok....okok...

lmao one of them (either ozz or ljy but i think it will be more hilarious if it's ljy) slipped and called jiang cheng 'jiujiu' once just because he kept hearing jl calling him that. jiang cheng just turns to him with a mild "that's jiang-zongzhu to you, lan jigyi."

and god!!! ljy is so mortified!!! this is worst than that one time he accidentally called hgj 'dad'!! it doesn't help that his friends are assholes (yes even sizhui!!) and never let him live it down. especially JL!! he's all "don't go stealing my jiujiu now" fuck you JL!! as if ljy will!!

also, once when they were sassing jiang cheng, (they get!! to sass sect leader jiang!! and he only threatened to break their legs once!!) and ljy got the last word in, jiang cheng hit him w/ a "is that any way to talk to ur uncle? huh, nephew?" which effectively shut up ljy as his friends roared in laughter propriety be damned!!

((yes i was thinking of that B99 episode where jake peralta called captain holt dad and holt went in for the ride and called jake 'son' lmao))

goodddd!!! i live for the junior quartet discovering that underneath jiang cheng's rough exterior he's a Big Softie who's also hilarious even when he doesn't mean to. JL is very happy with this development and wwx is happy to hear stories about his brother having fun with the kids.

this ran long but i also just wanna says this is because of queen jiang yanli's influence (you guys notice how yunmeng trio are all good with kids?) 

ANYWAY! this is me again with my 'Jiang Cheng is Great With Kids So Give Him More Kids To Take Care Of' agenda and you all should jump in on it thank you.

[posted on twitter]

#i just think jc will be so good with kids of all ages #he's got so much love to give #and noone to give it to #so it's just all pent up inside him #so he's all rage-y and shit #jiang cheng #junior quartet #lan sizhui #lan jingyi #jin ling #ouyang zizhen #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #headcanon #mdzs headcanons

[bloody-bee-tea]

JC Love Month 2020 Day 2

Power and Pride

Day 2 of JC Love Month brings some fluff where the kids (mostly JL) tell JC that they admire him a whole lot, and even WWX is not exempt from that. Thankfully, that admiration goes both way. 

Jiang Cheng isn’t quite sure how he came to feel like an outsider in his own home, but it’s happening, and his otherwise empty table is probably playing a big part in it.

Especially compared to the cramped one, where Wei Wuxian and his gaggle of ducklings are seated.

It’s not often that Wei Wuxian brings them around after a night hunt, but they were close to Lotus Pier and Wei Wuxian at least knows that Jiang Cheng would skin him alive if he did a job in Jiang Cheng’s territory and then didn’t even have the good grace to drop by.

It’s just a bonus that he brought the kids with him, because Jiang Cheng would never admit it, but he missed Jin Ling. It’s not often that he gets to see him anymore, not with how he’s now Sect Leader himself, and it’s good to see that Jin Ling still takes the time to do something educational but at the same time gets to spend an night with his friends.

And it only stings the tiniest bit that Jin Ling didn’t come to visit Lotus Pier before, but Jiang Cheng pushes that thought far, far away. It’s important for Jin Ling to spend some time with people his age, and not just his family.

There’s an especially loud laugh from Wei Wuxian to something Lan Jingyi said and Jiang Cheng almost feels the urge to go over there and sit with them instead of a few tables further away, but he guesses he would ruin the mood.

He’s not pleasant company, he knows it, and he would hate to ruin the good mood of the kids. They deserve some time to celebrate after their successful night hunt.

So Jiang Cheng sits alone with his tea, and keeps half an ear on the rambunctious group. It has to be enough.

“So, let’s say,” Wei Wuxian’s voice carries over and Jiang Cheng might listen in a bit more closely at that, because he still remembers that tone of voice and it promises mischief.

“Let’s say what, Senior Wei?” Ouyang Zizhen asks, leaning expectantly over the table.

“Let’s say you’d have to choose the most powerful cultivator,” Wei Wuxian says, a laugh playing around his mouth. “Who would you choose?”

“Easy,” Lan Jingyi immediately says and Jiang Cheng has to hide his snort in his tea.

He would always bet his entire fortune on the loudmouthed Lan to be the first to answer a question.

“Zewu-Jun,” Lan Jingyi then says, full of conviction, though he only gets surprised glances at that.

“Why him?” Wei Wuxian wants to know, and Jiang Cheng is unsure if he has a higher goal in mind with this question or if he is just playing around with them.

“Because he’s ranked first, of course,” Lan Jingyi confidently says, and Jiang Cheng has to admit it’s solid reasoning.

Zewu-Jun is still ranked first, despite the fact that he went into seclusion, and the list is not only about looks. It’s also about the level of cultivation after all, so Lan Jingyi made the easy, obvious choice.

“But I don’t think he’s the most powerful,” Lan Sizhui carefully says, clearly trying to not offend his friend and while Jiang Cheng admires the effort, he thinks it’s entirely impossible to offend Lan Jingyi.

“Then who do you think, huh?” Lan Jingyi wants to know, clearly more curious than offended and Lan Sizhui shrugs.

“Hanguang-Jun,” he says, very predictably if you ask Jiang Cheng.

Not that anyone seems to be even thinking of Jiang Cheng.

“How come?” Wei Wuxian questions and then he gets that dreamy look on his face that Jiang Cheng learned to abhor so much. “I mean, you’re right of course, there is no one with more power in this world than my Lan Zhan, but explain it?”

“No one with more power over your already limited awareness, maybe,” Jin Ling mutters under his breath and Jiang Cheng almost chokes on his tea when Wei Wuxian lets out an enraged yell.

There’s chaos for a while at the other table, because it seems like the kids are entirely too comfortable to roast Wei Wuxian over his sickeningly sweet feelings for Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng is very content to stay out of that train wreck.

They do settle down eventually, and they even get back on track with the question.

“It should be kind of obvious,” Lan Sizhui says finally. “He is the Chief Cultivator after all, and that means he holds the most powerful position.”

It’s just as solid reasoning as Lan Jingyi’s pick had been but Ouyang Zizhen shakes his head.

“You all got it wrong,” he says and leans a little bit closer to them as if he’s going to tell them a secret. “The most powerful cultivator is of course the Ghost General!”

“He doesn’t even count!” Lan Jingyi cries out. “He’s a ferocious corpse, and not a cultivator anymore!”

“But you have to admit that he is more powerful than both of your picks,” Ouyang Zizhen says and Jiang Cheng forces to unclench his hand.

He is still repairing his relationship with Wei Wuxian, he gave up entirely on every reaching anything but polite distance with Lan Wangji, but he will probably forever have some animosity for Wen Ning.

In the very darkest hours of the night Jiang Cheng can admit that it’s unfair to hate Wen Ning like that, that he wasn’t wrong about what he said to Jiang Cheng during that cursed reveal of just whose golden core is inside of Jiang Cheng, but that is only in the dead of the night.

During the day, Jiang Cheng reserves the right to still be fucking mad at Wen Ning for accusing him like that when it was him, Wen Qing and Wei Wuxian who decided to go along with the medical procedure without even so much as asking Jiang Cheng about it.

It doesn’t change the fact that Wen Ning is a rather powerful being and Jiang Cheng would hate to have to go up against him if he’s really furious. Jiang Cheng is aware enough of his own strength to know that it would be a damn difficult fight; and he couldn’t even confidently say that he’d win.

“You all don’t know anything,” Jin Ling suddenly speaks up, and Jiang Cheng is moderately curious, he’s not going to lie about that.

Jin Ling doesn’t like Lan Wangji—Jiang Cheng is more than aware that it’s his fault—but he admires Zewu-Jun and he is starting to build something of a friendship with Wen Ning, so Jiang Cheng is honestly curious to hear who Jin Ling thinks of as the most powerful cultivator.

Not to mention that Wei Wuxian is sitting right there, and for all that Jiang Cheng wishes it would be different, he doubts that there is anyone who could match Wei Wuxian at his Yiling Patriarch high.

“Who is it then?” Lan Jingyi asks, chin stubbornly set and Jin Ling glares at him.

“The most powerful cultivator is of course my jiu-jiu,” Jin Ling says, absolute certainty in his voice and everyone goes very quiet as they dart glances at Jiang Cheng.

“Why do you think so?” Wei Wuxian asks yet again, but his voice is soft in a way that Jiang Cheng can hardly stand and he has half a mind just getting up and fleeing.

But then Jin Ling turns around to him and pins him with his look and Jiang Cheng stays right where he is.

He didn’t know his nephew had already perfected that glare.

“Because he survived,” Jin Ling says. “Because he lost his parents and his home, and then his siblings. He had a destroyed Sect and a tiny baby to look after and he did it,” Jin Ling says and Jiang Cheng can’t hold his gaze any longer, but Jin Ling mercilessly goes on.

“He rebuild his Sect; and not only that, but he made it the most powerful of the Great Four. He raised the kid, that wasn’t even his own, and all the while he still managed to get the respect of the people he leads.”

“Jin Ling, you are my pride and joy, but would you please shut the fuck up?” Jiang Cheng bites out, feeling just a little bit choked up, but no one is listening to him.

“And he did it all without his own golden core,” Wei Wuxian chimes in, voice still so horribly soft, “because he even survived losing it.”

“He did a decent job at raising the little mistress, too,” Lan Jingyi says and even though Jin Ling turns to glare at him, it’s clearly meant as very high praise.

“He doesn’t just have the respect of his people,” Lan Sizhui suddenly says and shrinks in on himself, just a little bit when Jiang Cheng starts to glare at him.

It’s still not enough to shut them all up, but Jiang Cheng has to try at least.

“They adore him; they love him so much, all of them, and it’s so easy to see, too.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t think it’s easy to see at all, but Ouyang Zizhen speaks before Jiang Cheng can get a word in otherwise.

“Oh, yeah, did you see how they all practically light up when he walks through the market? And they all give him samples of their stuff for free, too, and not because they are afraid of him or they want to show off. They just genuinely want to show him their appreciation!”

“Ah, but that’s not a new thing,” Wei Wuxian says and smiles slightly. “People always fell over themselves to make Jiang Cheng smile.”

“That’s not true,” Jiang Cheng says, because he remembers the times he and Wei Wuxian went to the market.

The people fell all over themselves to please Wei Wuxian, not him.

“Don’t be stupid,” Jin Ling bites out, and Jiang Cheng is taken aback at how mad he suddenly seems. “Do you even know how often people ask me where you are when I go to the market alone? No one cares about me, they only want to see you. I bet it was the same with Wei Wuxian.”

“He’s right,” Wei Wuxian nods immediately. “I couldn’t take two steps without people crowding me in, asking where their favourite was.”

“Shut up!” Jiang Cheng gets out, though he’s aware that he’s blushing bright red.

He knows he has the respect of his people, but their love? He never dared to hope for that.

“So, yes. My jiu-jiu is the most powerful, because he survived all kinds of tragedies and still came out on top.”

“You’re right,” Lan Jingyi nods and then everyone is suddenly agreeing with Jin Ling.

Much to Jiang Cheng’s embarrassment.

“Shut up, all of you,” he snaps out, “you’re all wrong.”

“Get over here then, and tell us why,” Wei Wuxian very eagerly says and winks him over.

The kids make space for him immediately, and they are all looking expectantly at Jiang Cheng, too, so really. What else can he do but go over there and join them.

He refuses to think about the warm, fluttering feeling in his chest at the thought that he gets included in this.

“Tell us who you think is the most powerful,” Wei Wuxian says, excited like a little kid, and when he leans forward, Jiang Cheng pushes him away with a hand to his face.

“Hey,” Wei Wuxian protest, but the kids all laugh and even Jiang Cheng has to bite back a smile.

“If you think I’m going to name you, you’re mistaken,” he tells Wei Wuxian who gives him an almost devastating pout.

“But I was so powerful back in the day,” Wei Wuxian whines and Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes.

“And then you died, so really, how powerful can you be?” he wants to know. “And don’t even get me started on the fact that you made it back, because you had nothing to do with that! That was all Mo Xuanyu.”

Jiang Cheng is aware that the kids are staring at him and Wei Wuxian and it occurs to Jiang Cheng that they have never seen them banter like this.

Like they used to do before everything went to shit, and it gives Jiang Cheng hope that they can repair their relationship.

“But who else could it be?” Wei Wuxian whines as he slumps over the table and Jiang Cheng flips his forehead.

“Sect Leader Yao, of course,” Jiang Cheng says, smug as anything when he sees dropped jaws all around the table and then he laughs.

“No, no, you have to explain,” Jin Ling suddenly says and Jiang Cheng calms down just long enough to do so.

“Think about it. He’s mediocre at best but he’s still around. It’s been almost twenty years and he still aggravates everyone at the Cultivation Conferences. No one killed him yet and he still didn’t die. Clearly, he is more powerful than any of us.”

“That’s right,” Wei Wuxian gasps. “He survived the Sunshot Campaign, and I remember he was amongst those who called for my blood, too.”

“And then he survived all of Jin Guangyao’s scheming, and every fight that happened since,” Jiang Cheng adds and it’s only then that Jin Ling smacks his arm.

“Stop this, you hate Sect Leader Yao, you would never vote for him,” Jin Ling says and Jiang Cheng has half a mind to ruffle his hair.

“But I mean it!” Jiang Cheng says but now Wei Wuxian also caught on to the fact that he was just fucking with them, and he narrows his eyes at Jiang Cheng.

“No. Tell us the truth.”

“Fine,” Jiang Cheng says and rolls his eyes at him, mostly so that he doesn’t have to look when he says his next words. “I always thought that my brother was the most powerful,” he mutters and this time the silence that falls over the table is a very expectant one.

When Jiang Cheng finally does lift his gaze again, he sees that all of the kids are looking at Wei Wuxian instead of him, and so Jiang Cheng does the same.

“A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian says and Jiang Cheng is startled to see tears in his eyes. “I love you, too,” Wei Wuxian cries out and then throws himself over the table to hug Jiang Cheng.

“Let go of me, you gremlin,” Jiang Cheng complaints, but he doesn’t push Wei Wuxian away as hard as he maybe could.

“I always thought my brother was the strongest, too,” Wei Wuxian then mutters and Jiang Cheng has to close his eyes against the sting of tears.

“Ah, fuck,” Jiang Cheng whispers.

“No swear words at the table,” Jin Ling says, clearly out of habit but also way too late, and Jiang Cheng is thankful for it, because it breaks the weird tension.

“There,” Ouyang Zizhen says with great satisfaction. “He did a very good job raising the little mistress.”

It sets off a new round of roughhousing, this time between the kids, mostly, and Jiang Cheng takes the break to compose himself again.

But when he catches Wei Wuxian’s still somewhat misty eyes over the table, he figures it’s not entirely necessary to be his usually grumpy self.

He can let loose a little bit, with his family around.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

#bt writes #jclovemonth2020 #the untamed #mdzs #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #jin ling #post canon #fix it #fluff #admiration #family feels

[ouyangzizhensdad]

I just saw a post saying nhs has an inferiority complex and I'm?? Confused?? I always thought he was fine with being weaker in terms of cultivation, maybe I missed something

Hi anon,

I have to say, I struggle as well to figure out where people are getting this from the text. I think, oftentimes, people don't actually pay attention to what the text provides us in terms of characterisation as a whole, but take elements of what makes the character or which happens to them and simply extrapolate how they themselves would feel in that situation as a means of understanding the character. I can easily imagine how a reader would think: wow, if I had low cultivation in a world that values it (and within a clan that values strength even more so!) and a brother who was not only super strong and admired but who wanted me to fit into that role, and then found myself having to fill his shoes after his sudden death, I'd feel some sort of inferiority complex. I think that's the same reason you see so much people insisting WWX has self-esteem issues.

The thing about NHS is that, as a youth, we never saw him value high cultivation or "academic" achievements (not sure how to otherwise call his time at CR but there is probably a better word for it) or brute strength. He's afraid of consequences from his brother for failing at the CR, as we see here:

Although the brothers were not born from the same mother, their relationship was quite solid. Nie Mingjue had always taught his younger brother with extreme harshness, particularly caring for his studies. This was why, even though Nie Huaisang respected his older brother, he was the most scared of Nie Mingjue mentioning his schoolwork.

and here:

Although he didn’t understand a single bit as he listened in class, Nie Huaisang worked as hard as a slave when the date of the test approached. He copied Virtue two times for Wei Wuxian, and begged before the test, “Please, Wei-xiong, if my grade is lower than yi, my brother would really break my legs! Stuff like telling apart direct lineage, collateral lineage, main clan, clan branches… For us disciples from big clans, we can’t even distinguish our relationships with our own relatives, randomly calling everyone who are more than two tiers away from us aunts and uncles. Does anyone have enough capacity in their brain to remember those of other clans?!”

After thinking for a few moments, an expression of envy and yearning appeared on Nie Huaisang’s face, “To be honest, Wei-xiong’s words were quite interesting. Spiritual energy can only be obtained through cultivation and taking great pains to form a golden core (金丹). It would take I-don’t-know-how-many years to do, especially for someone like me, whose talent seems as if it was gnawed by a dog when I was in my mother’s womb. But, resentful energy are from the fierce ghosts. If they can easily be taken and used, it would be beyond wonderful.”

[...] . If disciple from a prominent clan forms the core at a later age, it would be a disgrace to tell other people of it, yet Nie Huaisang didn’t feel ashamed at all. Wei Wuxian also laughed, “I know, right? No harm comes from using it.”

The only moment that I can find that could tangentially be used to suggest that NHS has an inferiority complex could be this one, where NHS wants to avoid LXC's questioning about how his studies are going (and WWX picking up on his cues like a good friend to redirect the conversation). However, when you consider the whole context of the scene, it’s not because NHS feels self-conscious but because he’s afraid LXC is going to report to his brother that he’s not working hard at his studies:

Lan Xichen turned to him, “Huaisang, a while ago, as I returned from Qinghe, your brother asked of your studies. How is it? This year, will you be able to pass?”

Nie Huaisang replied, “Generally speaking, yes…” He seemed like a wilted cucumber, looking at Wei Wuxian in a helpless way. Wei Wuxian grinned, “Zewu-Jun, what are you two going out for?”

[...] Nie Huaisang also wanted to join in, but he had been reminded of his older brother as he met Lan Xichen. Cringing silently, he didn’t dare to have fun, “I’ll pass and go back so that I can review…” With this act, he hoped that Lan Xichen would put in some good words for him to his brother.

NHS seems very industrious at finding ways not to have to do anything that relates to cultivation or to leading a sect, and that is linked once more to the fact that he does not want to do these things (so not a case where we could say he’s self-sabotaging because he fears failure):

Lan Xichen took Nie Huaisang’s saber into his qiankun sleeve, “Huaisang has been using the excuse that he left his saber at home. Now he will have no excuses for lazing around.”

or here

“Nie Huaisang!”

Nie Huaisang fell at once.

He really did fall to his knees from the terror. He only staggered up after he finished kneeling, “D-d-d-da-ge.”

Nie Mingjue, “Where is your saber?”

Nie Huaisang cowered, “In… in my room. No, in the school grounds. No, let me… think…”

Wei Wuxian could feel that Nie Mingjue almost wanted to hack him dead right there, “You bring a dozen fans with you wherever you go, yet you don’t even know where your own saber is?!”

Nie Huaisang hurried, “I’ll go find it right now!”

[...]

In a hurry, Nie Huaisang dropped a few fans on the ground. Jin Guangyao picked them up for him and put them into his arms, “Huaisang’s hobbies are quite elegant. He’s dedicated to art and calligraphy, and has no propensity for mischief. How can you say that they’re useless?”

Nie Huaisang nodded as fast as he could, “Yes, Brother is right!”

Nie Mingjue, “But sect leaders have no need for such things.”

Nie Huaisang, “I’m not going to be a sect leader, though. You can be it, Da-ge. I’m not doing it!”

or here

Nie Mingjue was on the school ground, teaching and supervising Nie Huaisang’s saberwork in person. He did not acknowledge Jin Guangyao, so he stood at the edge of the field, waiting with respect. Since Nie Huaisang was quite uninterested and the sun was bright, he was rather half-hearted, complaining that he was tired after just a few moves. He beamed as he got ready to go to Jin Guangyao and see what presents he brought this time. In the past, Nie Mingjue would only frown at such things, but today he was angered, “Nie Huaisang, do you want this strike to land on your head?! Get back here!”

If only Nie Huaisang were like Wei Wuxian and could feel how great Nie Mingjue’s rage was, he wouldn’t grin in such a bold way. He protested, “Da-ge, the time is up. It’s time to rest!”

Nie Mingjue, “You rested just thirty minutes ago. Keep on going, until you learn it.”

Nie Huaisang was still giddy, “I won’t be able to learn it anyways. I’m done for the day!”

He often said this, but today Nie Mingjue’s reaction was entirely different from his past reaction. He shouted, “A pig would’ve learnt this by now, so why haven’t you?!”

Never expecting Nie Mingjue to burst out so suddenly, Nie Huaisang’s face was blank with shock as he shrunk toward Jin Guangyao. Seeing the two together, Nie Mingjue was even more provoked, “It’s been one year already and you still haven’t learnt this one set of saber techniques. You stand on the field for just thirty minutes and you’re complaining that you’re tired. You don’t have to excel, but you can’t even protect yourself! How did the QingheNie Sect produce such a good-for-nothing! The both of you should be tied up and beaten once every day. Carry out all those things in his room!”

The last sentence was spoken to the disciples standing by the side of the field. Seeing that they had gone, Nie Huaisang felt as though he was on pins and needles. A moment later, the row of disciples really did bring out all the fans, paintings, porcelain from his room. Nie Mingjue had always threatened to burn his room, but he had never actually burned them. This time, though, he was serious. Nie Huaisang panicked. He threw himself over, “Da-ge! You can’t burn them!”

Noticing that the situation wasn’t good, Jin Guangyao also spoke, “Da-ge, don’t act on impulse.”

Yet, Nie Mingjue’s saber had already striked. All of the delicate objects piled at the center of the field erupted in roaring flames. Nie Huaisang wailed and plunged into the fire to save them. Jin Guangyao hurried to pull him back, “Huaisang, be careful!”

With a sweep of Nie Mingjue’s hand, the two blanc de chine antiques shattered into pieces in his palms. The scrolls and paintings had already turned into dust in a split second. Nie Huaisang could only watch blankly as the much loved items that he had gathered throughout the years vanish into ashes. Jin Guangyao grabbed his hands to examine them, “Are they burnt?”

He turned to a few disciples, “Please prepare some medicine first.”

The disciples answered and left. Nie Huaisang stood at the same place, his entire body trembling as he looked over at Nie Mingjue, pupil encircled by veins. Seeing that his expression wasn’t right, Jin Guangyao put his arm around his shoulders and whispered, “Huaisang, how are you feeling? Stop watching. Go back to your room and have some rest.”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes brimmed red. He didn’t even make a sound. Jin Guangyao added, “It’s alright even if the things are gone. Next time I can find you more…”

Nie Mingjue interrupted, his words like ice, “I’ll burn them each time he brings them back into this sect.”

Anger and hatred suddenly flashed across Nie Huaisang’s face. He threw his saber onto the ground and yelled, “Then burn them!!!”

Jin Guangyao quickly stopped him, “Huaisang! Your brother is still angry. Don’t…”

Nie Huaisang roared at Nie Mingjue, “Saber, saber, saber! Who the fuck wants to practice the damn thing?! So what if I want to be a good-for-nothing?! Whoever that wants to can be the sect leader! I can’t learn it means I can’t learn it and I don’t like it means I don’t like it! What’s the use of forcing me?!”

I'm not saying he didn't have a hard time during the first moment of him taking over a leadership role in the sect after the sudden death of his brother (ultimately we can wonder whether the yiwensanbuzhi persona originated then, as he could have felt overwhelmed and actually didn't have the answers needed for the position he didn't prepare for--or whether it was always a pure fabrication to serve his goals), but I don't think we can chalk it up to an inferiority complex.

In the past, Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang studied together, so there were a few things he could comment about this person. Nie Huaisang wasn’t an unkind person. It wasn’t that he was not clever, but that his heart was set somewhere else and used his smarts on other areas, such as painting on fans, searching for birds, skipping classes, and catching fish. Because his talent in terms of cultivation really was poor, he formed his core around eight or nine years later than the other disciples of the same generation as him. When he lived, Nie Mingjue was often exasperated by the fact that his brother didn’t meet his expectations, so he disciplined him strictly. Despite this, he still didn’t improve much. Now, without his older brother protecting and supervising him, under his lead, the QingheNie Sect declined day by day. After he grew up, especially after he became the sect leader, he was often troubled by all kinds of affairs unfamiliar to him and looked for helpers everywhere, mainly his brother’s two sworn brothers. One day he’d go to Jinling Tower to complain to Jin Guangyao, and the next day he’d go to the Cloud Recesses to whine to Lan Xichen. With the two leaders of the Jin and Lan Sects supporting him, he still barely managed to settle on the sect leader position. Nowadays, whenever people mentioned Nie Huaisang, although they didn’t say anything on the surface, the same phrase was written on their faces—good-for-nothing.

And after NHS pieced together what happened to his brother and set out on a path to revenge, I don't see how someone who is so sharp and deceptive and able to reach his goals while hiding behind a facade the entire time would feel "inferior".

#anon ask #nhs #mdzs #mdzs meta

[perkynurples]

... May I ask you about the slow excruciating progression from Meng Yao to Jiggy?

also paging @holdmycaffeine and @cadencekismet, who asked me for the very same, and @acutebird-fics, who is my partner in crime deep philosophical discussions about these characters, and a great deal of this messy essay is informed by those

Tl;dr: JGY is a multifaceted character and the author struggles not to lose her mind trying to find the right words to describe that. Literally every single point of this rant is up for discussion, begging for it even, so please don’t hesitate to engage me, but, like... tomorrow, maybe. After I sleep it off.

Meta I used or referenced: THIS ONE explaining how JGS deciding to give him the name GuangYao is all kinds of wrong | THIS ONE talking about the red bindi-like Jin forehead dots, among other things | THIS ONE about his capacity for evil and his own recognition thereof

-

Alright, without any fancy preamble, here goes. Honestly, whenever I think about JGY for more than three seconds, it becomes painfully evident that there are two wolves inside me at all times - one wants to spend tens of thousands of words exploring his narrative, his choices, his abilities and his failings, his capacity for violence as well as his capacity for love...

And the other one just likes to call him a gremlin in chief in a fancy hat, and doesn’t want to go much further than that. I’m going to try and feed them both.

The thing that pisses me off about Meng Yao is just. The fact that he doesn’t stay Meng Yao, and we get to watch it happen in slow motion. You get a tiny little twink-ass kid who suddenly finds himself adopted into the Nie by the Sect Leader himself, and this is Meng Yao, the son of one of Jin Guangshan’s many mistresses, who doesn’t have a whole lot going for him aside from that, at that moment - his cultivation, weak. His opportunities, nonexistent. His dick, small. His political savvy, only just starting to show itself.

And this guy gets the chance of a lifetime presented to him on a Qinghe-silver platter. Like, we can argue about book canon and try and decide if he did anything at all to make NMJ notice him, but show canon makes it all the more hilarious (again, please refer to this gem of a post for a level of humor I’m sorely incapable of) - you’re seventeen, and the Batman of the cultivation world picks you up and elevates your status across swathes of societal norms, to a level you previously could have only dreamed of.

It’s interesting to me to try and imagine if this was the moment that Meant Something - in the grand scope of things, of course it did, because it started MY on the road to JGY, but also to Meng Yao personally, in terms of what he believed he could comfortably achieve. I do not for a second believe he started out wanting to murder people to reach his goal, or that he even had a good goal to begin with - being accepted by his father, maybe. Murdering the (at the time) greatest villain in the world, becoming a renowned spy, landing an incredibly beneficial sworn brotherhood, et cetera et cetera? I mean, the kid has wet dreams, but no way do they reach this far at this point in his life.

But so many things about him are unclear. Show canon changes his timeline, in that he met NMJ before he met Lan Xichen, and even accompanied NHS to the Cloud Recesses. Either way, his stint with the Nie is incredibly personally important to him. I firmly believe he loved and admired them, in his own way. He certainly flourished under NMJ’s tutelage and approval, but in the end, his motivations, his entire raison d’etre, clashed with NMJ’s too much. To Meng Yao, who’d gotten kicked down those infamous Koi Tower stairs for daring to ask for his father’s attention, murdering a guy for slandering him and his mother was a natural outcome of being slandered his entire life, and finally having had enough - to NMJ, it was unforgivable.

But this still isn’t where Meng Yao becomes Jin Guangyao, and it begs the goddamn question - how much of what JGY was perfectly willing and capable of doing to stay in power, had been present in Meng Yao that entire time? You see him make excuses that someone who isn’t NMJ, with his incredibly staunch morals and black-and-white view of the world, might have even accepted, but instinctively, you know - making excuses is just how it’s going to be with this guy.

Because Meng Yao, as well as Jin Guangyao, lies, and he is damn good at it. He is so good at it, that he lies his way to the very top of the Wen, all the way to Wen Ruohan’s side. His lying is what enables him to become Jin Guangyao. And like any good liar, he doesn’t only lie to the people around him - he also lies to himself.

And I can’t blame him, because - been there. Lying to yourself becomes absolutely necessary, when you want to keep everyone else around you believing in a mask you wear. You need to start believing it, at least a little bit, at least sometimes, for it to work.

At this point, you’re probably wondering - but Annie, what about the time he spent a year sheltering Lan Xichen? Did he lie then? Was he not just Meng Yao, a poor but cunning bookkeeper, then? I’m getting there, I swear. Slowly and in a roundabout sort of way, because honestly, I don’t know how I can start talking about the LXC of it all, without it turning into a novel.

Because whichever way you twist it, whatever canon you choose to follow, one constant remains - A-Yao’s feelings for Lan Xichen. I’m deliberately not calling him Meng Yao or Jin Guangyao, because it’s these feelings that divide the two, but also ultimately unify them, fatally so. But we’ll get there.

In one version of events, Meng Yao travels to Cloud Recesses at the behest of NMJ, and falls in love with a statue made of jade there. In another version of events, they meet during something LXC only describes as ‘the shame of a lifetime’. Both of those events lead to Meng Yao sheltering LXC, hiding him, saving his life and those precious Gusu Lan texts.

Whatever version of events you choose to see as the right one, one other truth also remains - Lan Xichen offers freely and without asking that which Meng Yao has had to struggle to attain, that which has been denied to him time and time again, based only on the circumstances of his birth: respect. Lan Xichen never looks down on him, never brings up his origins, and instead extends him respect and dignity in a way only he is capable of - no fucking wonder Meng Yao admires him. No fucking wonder, when this amazing guy, this perfect pristine handsome number one young cultivator, looks at him, smiles at him, and actually sees him, son of a whore or not.

No fucking wonder Meng Yao loves him, and Jin Guangyao continues loving him. No fucking wonder he never means to hurt him, but does so anyway.

But here’s the thing - lying to yourself to make things work only gets you so far. Do I think Meng Yao spends restless nights in cold sweat dreading who he’s becoming, thinking about all the lives he’s taken to further his goals? Absolutely not. Do I think he does good things, often even great things, because it helps him feel better about himself? Do I think he both loves Xichen and keeps him around because it’s beneficial to him, having the Lan Sect Leader in his pocket, but also personally speaking, having someone who so firmly believes in the goodness in him? You bet your overly adorned murderhat I do.

And frankly, reducing Jin Guangyao to one or the other - coldblooded murderer or a man plagued by his own insecurities, helpless and trying to be kind in a world that’s so evidently against him - is doing a character like him a huge disservice. You have to consider all sides, if you want to truly understand him. Hell, I myself am by no means claiming to truly understand him! He pisses me off daily, and I’m writing this stream-consciousness-y thing because he simply won’t shut up in my head.

This kid makes Choices, and here’s the catch - he doesn’t regret a whole lot of them. If anything, I’d like to think he regrets going along with his father’s plans for so fucking long before finally realizing that avenue won’t bring him what he seeks. Killing Jin Guangshan, by the way? Very sexy of him, that I’ll admit. Guy was a pig.

But even the obviously Good Choices he makes? Building those damn watchtowers? Letting Mo Xuanyu stay at Koi Tower? Seating Qin Su by his side at that same throne where his shitty father entertained concubine after concubine? (Frankly, please make up your own mind as to whether he was lying or telling the truth about learning about Qin Su being his sister before or after they’d consummated their marriage, I’m choosing to believe that he hadn’t known.)

How much of it really happens out of the goodness of his own heart, and how much of it happens because he wants to improve his own reputation, kintsugi away the minuscule cracks in his own image until he’s once again a perfect picture of Jin gold? Is he himself even capable of telling the difference, recognizing where his good intentions end and his desire to look out for number one begins? When you spend so much time crafting your own perfect mask, in your own head as well as others’, the lines blur real fast.

I think ultimately, he craves respect as much as he does pity, and those two never mesh well - the cultivation world never truly accepts him, his father certainly never truly accepts him, but Jin Guangyao is not Wei Wuxian, he can’t just look at all of these perceived injustices and slights, all of this gossip and slander, and say ‘Whatever’. No, Meng Yao takes one look at the world standing against him so very vehemently, and decides to fight it, fight tooth and nail for his place in it, until he comes out Jin Guangyao on the other side, gilded and pristine, ascending the stairs of Jinlintai to exact his revenge on anyone who dares not accept him.

The Guanyin Temple, in a way, is a perfect little vignette of his character - we observe him wildly oscillating between seeking out the aforementioned respect and pity, confessing boldly and laughing loudly one second, and pleading on his knees and clutching onto Lan Xichen’s robe the next. To him, that night, and everything leading up to it, is a series of footholds - the ground begins crumbling under his feet when he learns of the letter, and he has to act fast. 

He buys himself time, excuse after excuse, thinking on his feet, and here’s the thing - he’s not necessarily the best at that. Anymore. Up until that point, until the letter and Qin Su and WWX turning up, everything is going according to plan, and his plan at this point is, frankly, correct me if I’m wrong, sitting pretty at the top of his golden tower and making sure the truth about him never comes to light, which... Well, we all know the truth has a nasty way of coming around when it’s least convenient for you. 

And I think Jin Guangyao (not Meng Yao) is, at that point, unused to being inconvenienced. Everything he ever does, he calculates, he twists the public opinion of himself, he twists individual people’s opinions of himself, to suit him - nothing unexpected ever happens anymore, because he’s played the game long enough to foresee most things. Nie Huaisang beats him at that same game, not because he has a huge plan spanning decades of his own, but because he’s good at improvising, kicking the hornet’s nest and then knowing where to direct the fallout - but that is another essay all of its own waiting to happen.

For now, I feel like I need to wrap this up before I lose my mind. Personally (and please feel free to challenge me on this any time), I don’t feel like there’s a single defining moment, or even a handful of them, traumatic or otherwise, that irrevocably turns Meng Yao into Jin Guangyao. Sure, being kicked down the literal stairs leading to a better place for you a handful of times will have you feeling some kind of way. Sure, serving a maniacal warlord while playing an impossibly high-stakes game of spy poker will leave a mark or two. Sure, your sworn brother spitting in your face the very insults you’ve been hearing your whole life and never learned to shake off, will make one more vestige of patience inside you irrevocably crumble to smithereens. But.

Your whole life, you work very, very hard. You know to put your head down and get your hands dirty, but you also know that sometimes, the best way out of a hairy situation is turning on those puppy eyes and appearing just a smidgen weaker, a smidgen more frightened and helpless, than you actually are. And if, when you actually tell the truth and people still don’t believe you, lying becomes easier, becomes, eventually, so easy it feels as natural as breathing? Well. Might as well use that particular skillset to sneak your way through a war, am I right? Might as well use it to build yourself a nest among the very vultures who resent you, and whom you resent, and make sure that they have to respect you.

In the end, to me? Jin Guangyao is the guy who jumps from person to person, from callout to very personal callout, there in the Guanyin Temple, just to stall for time, just to regain some sort of foothold in the situation - he’s the guy who probably views losing an arm as a necessary sacrifice, shakes it off and still gets to work from there.

Meng Yao is the guy who wants to take his mother with, and who asks Lan Xichen the one question he’s dreaded knowing the answer to his entire life - not ‘will you stay and die with me?’, but the one that hides beyond that.

Is this what devotion is? Respect? Love? Is there, at this moment in time, enough of all of those things in your heart that you will, in fact, stay and die with me?

When Lan Xichen says yes, without words but still loudly enough to be understood without a doubt, Meng Yao is relieved, while Jin Guangyao is vindicated.

When Lan Xichen says yes, neither version of A-Yao needs to hear any more than that - the seventeen-year-old boy shooting a shot way above his station and loving a statue made of jade, who wants Lan Xichen to survive, and the man wearing the wrong name and the title of the first Chief Cultivator of his generation, who wants Lan Xichen to live with the weight of all his mistakes and misgivings, are both, for once, in accord. They’re both happy, and they both make that final push to save him.

In conclusion, if there even is one to this jumble of random thoughts... Jin Guangyao and Meng Yao are one and the same. Aspects of one can be found in the other, but neither feels remorse about his choices. Both of them, in turn, are capable of amazing things. Both of them are, in fact, capable of decidedly horrible things. One builds a wall around the other so thick, so impenetrable, you only catch glimpses, and only the ones he allows you to see. One learns very quickly that vulnerability is dangerous, unless employed proactively, and the other one perfects the craft.

Both of them believe they are perfectly justified in their actions. Both of them believe their own line of reasoning, their own excuses. Both of them want to be loved, for very different reasons, or for the very same ones, at the end of the day.

Both of them aspire to greatness, Meng Yao some vague idea of it instilled in him by his mother teaching him to believe his own worth, Jin Guangyao a more concrete vision of it, always one step ahead, one step higher up those gilded stairs. Both of them are willing to excuse a whole lot to reach it, too.

And when Jin Guangyao finally stands in Koi Tower, properly this time, wearing that coveted golden peony, wearing that red zhushazhi and a much nicer version of the hat his mother always told him to wear, but also wearing the wrong fucking name, one that barely gives him a spot in the family he belongs to by blood?

All he needs to do is take one look in the mirror to see Meng Yao staring back, always there with him, always ready to remind him where he came from. He’s seventeen years old, and he just buried his mother, and somewhere out there, the rest of his life awaits. His smile is all dimples, and that, too, they have in common.

Time to get to work, Meng Yao suggests, and Jin Guangyao agrees.

#jin guangyao #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #so this is..... a thing. #honestly I'm. i can't say that eloquence was my primary goal here #can't really even be sure WHAT the primary goal was #but this is now a thing that exists so take it off my hands I suppose #while I go make some hot chocolate and think of bunny rabbits and rainbows for a while #to cleanse my palate #Anonymous #ask #jgy #my meta

[tossawary]

Chapter 25: “Home Sweet Home” of “pride is not the word I’m looking for” quotes and commentary. Not a full list of favorite quotes or full commentary. 

-

 Anyway, Shang Qinghua makes himself  so fucking sincerely annoying that the Huan Hua Palace Sect cultivators can’t figure out how to politely tell him to fuck off fast enough. Shang Qinghua makes outlandish assumptions about how many thieves there are (at least a dozen, he’s sure, probably twice that) and what methods they might be using (special invisibility talismans, he suspects); Shang Qinghua repeatedly apologizes for being too busy with important things for Cultivator O.B.B. at the last Immortal Alliance Conference, then tries to commiserate with the man about having to get important things done without getting any respect for it; Shang Qinghua also anxiously wonders if they should all go to Zhao Hua Temple Sect to report what happened here, since there’s a troublesome demon and also some sneaky rogue cultivator thieves on the loose out here! He gets turned down immediately, but assures everyone that he’ll at least let Yue Qingyuan know everything that happened here right away! 

 Liu Qingge pretty much just stands there scowling silently the entire time - he’s no Shen Qingqiu for sheer menacing  "I can and I will ruin your entire life"  glares, but he’s still pretty intimidating. He does a great job! No notes! 

 Shang Qinghua nearly pats himself on the back as he and Liu Qingge leave less than an hour after he arrives.  “Holy shit, I’m good,”  he thinks, a little giddy with the successful extraction.  “That’s a skill that good ol’ Liu-Shidi will never have!” 

 -

AN: Of course this has a high chance of backfiring. Is Shang Qinghua going to weave webs of lies anyway? Of course. 

Love the fact that Shang Qinghua can shamelessly act like a total pushover, while actually manipulating someone so that he gets the results he wanted. Some snobby sect leader walks into a negotiation room, prepared to use SQH as a doormat, and Shang Qinghua is probably internally like, “Bro, me and my jelly spine welcome you to hell.” 

- 

 He gives them the rundown on what happened, but, to his complete lack of surprise, that doesn’t seem to satisfy interrogators like his little sister-in-law and his fellow transmigrator. They have so many questions! And Shang Qinghua doesn’t have enough answers for them! 

 No, he doesn’t know what Huan Hua Palace Sect knows or thinks they know. No, he doesn’t know how they knew about that place. No, he doesn’t know whether the monster was just a local opportunist preying on distracted cultivators or something more sinister. No, he’s not experimenting with the creepy special item or discussing it at length here. No, Luo Fanli and Peerless Cucumber are not allowed to poke at the creepy special item! 

 Why the fuck would he ever let them do that?! 

 All Shang Qinghua knows is that Luo Fanli and Peerless Cucumber should eat their vegetables and then go to bed! Because they all have a long journey back to the sect in the morning! And also that words cannot describe how painfully old he feels as soon as he says this. 

-

AN: I’ve been thinking about a Demon Trio fanfic in which Mobei-Jun finds himself in a similar position with Luo Binghe and Sha Hualing. 

Mobei-Jun and Shang Qinghua are, like, bare minimum twice the age of Luo Binghe and Shen Yuan. Like, yes, neither Mobei-Jun nor Shang Qinghua are old old by the standard of the PIDW world. Yes, MBJ and SQH are stunted as all get out. But the fact that they have bare minimum 2x the life experience as Bingqiu is, in my opinion, funny as hell and severely underused in fanfiction. 

Like, imagine Mobei-Jun unintentionally dadding new demon LBH in SVSSS. Mobei-Jun being like, “Don’t eat the meat from this monster. It makes you hallucinate.” Or being like, “These people aren’t politically important enough to be shown this kind of respect. Look down on them properly and go sleep, or no one will ever respect you again in demon politics.” 

MBJ looking at SVSSS LBH and SHL like, “Damn, who raised you?” 

Because, like, I love to joke about Mobei-Jun being an oblivious fool, but that’s in regards to human culture. Mobei-Jun operating on demonic culture + his level of arrogance in regards to how he’s handling SQH suggests that MBJ can be politically savvy among demons when he wants to be. Also, the mental picture of MBJ being like, “Eat your weird demon vegetables, there’s nothing wrong with them, you picky half-breed brat,” is extremely funny. 

I’ll probably turn this into a separate post. 

- 

Shang Qinghua does  not  miss the man’s unconcealed  “oh, great, some of my favorite problem people are back, probably with bad news”  expression when they arrive. The man is not at all impressed to hear about the drugged-up Shadow Cave Wolf Spiders or the evil, murderous, madness-inducing plant they fought on their mission, but the Qian Cao Peak Lord is reluctantly, partially placated by the jar of three-eyed skeleton tears Shang Qinghua super thoughtfully brought back for his inspection. Mu Qingfang really likes his research projects! 

 Shang Qinghua lets himself feel kind of good about this gift - he’s the man who gets things and gets things done - and ignores the Weeper’s Eye whispering in his head,  “He has resigned himself to the untimely deaths of everyone he knows.” 

 (Wow. Oh, Shang Qinghua knows that feeling!) 

-

AN: Mu Qingfang doesn’t think that everyone around him is inevitably going to die, he’s just extremely aware of how dangerous the world is and how reckless cultivators can be. Also, for many years, he was fairly certain that Liu Qingge and Shen Qingqiu were headed for bad ends. 

This felt like a good place to insert some optimism back into the sect in general. Luo Fanli has been cured and is willingly going to visit her sister, Liu Qingge has got a hold on his self-destructive tendencies, Mu Qingfang thinks things are getting better, Shen Qingqiu’s health problems have been essentially fixed, Qijiu might actually work their shit out, Shen Yuan shares his real name with Shang Qinghua, and so on and so forth. 

It felt like a good contrast with and buildup towards Luo Binghe’s Skinner mistake (not everything is rosy yet, there are still growing problems), the secret basement, and the encounter with Bing-Ge. 

Only to flip that around and then bring some surprise Moshang into things! 

- 

“I have now been informed that, after learning that you had returned and, at the very least, completing the duties that were intended to have him reflect on his actions, he has disappeared yet again,” Shen Qingqiu continues. “This second disappearance has set some of the other junior disciples into a renewed panic, which has concerned some of the senior disciples, which was, apparently, cause to alert me.”   

 “Ah,” Shang Qinghua says. 

-

AN: Shen Jiu should not be in charge of a bunch of children, but it is funny to imagine him going through the same “be a less shit person” adoption process as Shang Qinghua. Like, oh, it would be so easy for him to be cruel about this situation, but fuck you if he’s going to be outdone in the recovery and redemption process by Shang Qinghua of all people. 

Shang Qinghua: *grows into a kind of decent person* 

Shen Jiu: “Fuck you. That’s not allowed.” 

Shen Jiu: “...” 

Shen Jiu: “Well, if THAT FUCKER of all people can do it...” 

- 

 Shang Qinghua doesn’t have to look long or far to find his nephew. He finds the young protagonist sitting despondently on the doorstep of his own Leisure House, sniffling into his sleeve. Peerless Cucumber of all people is sitting beside him and keeping him company. 

  “Focusing on other people’s lives is easier than looking at his own.” 

 “-think a drowning man first has to save himself… or else he’s only going to bring down the people he’s trying to save,” Peerless Cucumber is saying. 

 Binghe nods. 

- 

AN: Going by, like, the everything of SVSSS, Shen Yuan really is the asshole going, “I’ll die before I look inwards to recognize and deal with my own emotions.” Also, going, “Yes, I’m a hypocrite who won’t take my own advice. And what about it?” What a repressed nerd. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua clears his throat to get their attention. Both kids (well, teenager and young adult, but still...  kids)  look up and then stand up quickly. Luo Binghe takes a forgetful step forward, before he wobbles into an appropriate respectful bow instead. 

 “Shang-Shishu!” 

  “How dearly this boy is loved!”  the Weeper’s Eye declares, in its soft way inside Shang Qinghua’s head.  “More than life itself! More than death itself!” 

 “Ah, never mind all that,” Shang Qinghua says, and steps forward to wrap his nephew in a quick hug instead, keeping the creepy talking eye oriented away from his nephew. “You’re a little too late to talk to me about your mission before your shizun did.” 

 Binghe, who was just relaxing into the unexpected hug, freezes. 

 Shang Qinghua knowingly pats the poor young protagonist on the back.

  “Oh, shit” is right! 

- 

AN: Uncle Shang really is adorable. Still kind of knocks me for a loop writing it, though, given that the SVSSS SQH and LBH relationship is... nothing like this whatsoever. Look upon the field of SQH and LBH content and see that it is relatively barren except for the stubborn motherfuckers with excellent taste in character exploration. 

-

  “Ahhh, well, I’ll be there too for this potential family reunion, bro,” Shang Qinghua assures him. “Maybe we can finally get to the bottom of where this ‘Shen Yuan’ name came from.” 

 Peerless Cucumber makes a strange expression. 

 “What?” 

 “...It’s my name.” 

 “What?” Shang Qinghua repeats. 

 “It’s my name,” Peerless Cucumber says again, quietly. “It’s my real name.” 

 “Oh.” 

  “Huh,” Shang Qinghua thinks, having been operating on the assumption that the System made the name up for its mysterious backstory. Well, that gives new dimensions to Peerless Cucumber’s criticism of the scum villain! 

 “You can use it,” Peerless Cucumber says, with an air of determined nonchalance. “Everyone else is doing it.” 

 “Ah, alright. Thanks.” 

- 

AN: This is probably the part where I would have made Shang Qinghua reveal his original name in turn... IF HE HAD ONE. It drives me... kind of wild that we get the Airplane Extras and we STILL don’t get 1) Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky’s original name, and 2) MOBEI-JUN’s name. 

Which actually makes things a little more interesting here, in my opinion, even though not having those names gets a little frustrating in terms of fanfiction writing. With Mobei-Jun, you get to explore the fucked up possibilities of him not having a name outside of his identity as the future Northern King. With Shang Qinghua, you get to explore him being a squirrelly little fuck who refuses to let anyone into his life. 

So, because we don’t have Airplane’s name, we actually get this mildly interesting dynamic in which Shang Qinghua doesn’t even really think to reveal it to Shen Yuan. We don’t see this part, but Shen Yuan is actually a little miffed by this degree of secrecy, which is going to come up later. (Shen Yuan doesn’t like the fact that Shang Qinghua has as much power over him as he does.) 

I personally do not hold the headcanon that Airplane’s name was “Shang Qinghua”. It’s a little too on the nose for me. At that point, the only reaction to transmigrating into SQH kind of has to be, “Ah, well, I was asking for that!” Maybe Airplane projected his worst qualities onto Shang Qinghua, but I don’t think he went so far as to give the character his own name. 

Airplane’s main identity when he died appears to have been Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky, and we know that he wasn’t particularly close to his divorced parents and any step- or half-siblings. So, the only names that are really relevant post-transmigration are “Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky” and “Shang Qinghua”. By the time that SY gets here, he’s firmly entrenched in those identities, and his original name is completely irrelevant. I could honestly believe that Airplane just doesn’t think it matters anymore. 

- 

 Shang Qinghua’s nephew, in the way of a true young protagonist or  fucking cannon fodder, got the bright fucking idea to slip away to speak with the concubine called Butterfly privately. 

 “I thought: what if she didn’t want to speak in front of that lecherous old man? What if she wanted to get away from him?” Binghe confesses. 

 “She was the demon,” Shang Qinghua guesses. 

 Binghe nods, voice breaking. “It was…  I was  really,  really stupid, Uncle.” 

 “Well, at least you know that,” Shang Qinghua sighs, and pats his sniffly nephew on the back again. 

 Oh, he can see why Shen Qingqiu was  pissed the fuck off now. Shang Qinghua kind of wants to start yelling! Or maybe just screaming, coherently or otherwise! 

 Except yelling isn’t going to help much right now. 

 Shang Qinghua listens as Luo Binghe recounts being captured by the demon and then waking up bound by Immortal Binding Cables - of being so terrified that he could barely breathe with it. His only hope was Ning Yingying and Ming Fan tattling on his disappearance and a senior disciple tracking him down on time. The skinner demon apparently nearly killed Binghe, crooning over his young and beautiful skin, except a flash of warm light intervened and dropped an unstable part of the ceiling in on them before they could hurt the captured protagonist. 

 “Fu-Shijie and Shizun arrived after that and k-killed it,” Binghe says. “Uncle, it was all  stupid luck!  Shizun said I should have been dead and that, between my efforts and the demon’s, he had no idea how I wasn't! And he was right! It was  so close! If the ceiling hadn’t fallen in like that-! Fu-Shijie suggested the ropes might be faulty and it could have been an unconscious use of spiritual energy, but I didn’t do anything! It wasn’t me!” 

 It  sounds like the System to Shang Qinghua, intervening again at a crucial moment to prevent the premature death of the protagonist. Just thinking about how close his nephew came to dying without him knowing is nearly enough to inspire a cold sweat! Shang Qinghua can’t speak about the System, so all he can really do is keep hugging! Keep holding on for dear life and saying soothing nothings to his crying nephew! 

- 

AN: I wanted to include the Skinner mission, but I didn’t want to redo it onscreen because that’s been done in many fanfictions before and I felt that there was really no good reason for Shang Qinghua to be a part of it. The reason I wanted to include it is to show how the plot is off the track of the SVSSS (and PIDW) stories, with the changed LBH and the changed Original SQQ. 

LBH wants to be a hero, but he’s not there yet. 

- 

 “...Don’t put yourself above him… or below him. Tell him what you want and listen to what he wants, and don’t be surprised if things don’t change all at once,” Shang Qinghua advises and, at Yue Qingyuan’s look, quickly raises his hands. “Ahhh, not my business, I know! Not my business! I just… I hope it works out! I hope you two get something better out of this mess! Aha, make the sect meetings a little less awkward and… things.” 

  “He has never known what better looks like. He will always be Yue Qi, the slave boy. No matter what he does.” 

 “...Thank you,” Yue Qingyuan says finally, thoughtfully. “I appreciate your… restraint in this matter… in recent months.” 

 Aha, yikes. 

-

AN: I know that some people wanted more stomping on Yue Qingyuan, but... like... this man is as or nearly as traumatized as Shen Qingqiu. His childhood fucking sucked. He broke his own soul trying to save Shen Jiu and failed. He made some shit decisions where Shen Qingqiu was concerned, but the logic and trauma he’s operating on are pretty obvious. He was trying. 

Part of the theme around the Qijiu and Moshang arcs has also been “an eye for an eye”. Like, are you guys really going to keep on not communicating with each other and then fucking up and then taking chunks out of each other? How many misunderstandings and upset over misunderstandings are you going to throw at each other? Where do you put your foot down and say, “I don’t want to live like this forever. We can be better than this. I want better than this.” 

Like, it can’t just be hurting each other back and forth (this applies to Qijiu more than Moshang, in which MBJ definitely carries the weight of this fuck-up). It can’t just be privately nursing hurt feelings forever. The options here are “fix it” or “live like this forever”. Fixing it won’t happen immediately, but the other option fucking sucks, so every little step helps. 

So Shang Qinghua here is just like, “Bro, I’m tired. My anger has cooled a lot. I just want all our lives to suck less. I hope things work out for you.” 

#tossawary svsss #tossawary commentary #pride is not the word

[vassar177]

mingcheng where nmj defends or protects jc? (thank u for ur mingcheng fics!! theyre v good!!!)

Since you’re the first person to ever send me in a prompt, I kind of ran away with it. 

It’s a bit long, but I hope you’ll enjoy it! 

Four times Nie Mingjue defended or protected Jiang Cheng, and the one time he couldn’t

1. What else have we got to lose? A lot.  

Nie Mingjue has been listening to the same three men argue about the pros and cons of rice taxation for the past two hours while Jin Guangshan sits there and watches like a lump of fools gold. 

If Lan Xichen doesn’t show up within the next few minutes, Nie Mingjue is just going to say fuck it. 

There’s no point in discussing politics when he has those Wen bastards knocking on his door every five minutes, figuratively that is. Nie Mingjue would sooner die than let any Wen step foot in Qinghe without a fight. 

And oh look, Sect Leader Yao is speaking, yet again. Why is it that every time this man opens his mouth Nie Mingjue feels dumber? He’s surprised his eyes rolled out of their sockets at this point. He doesn’t know how his father dealt with this bullshit for so long.

Sect Leader Wang is just about to rebut Sect Leader Yao’s accusation that “the Gods are conspiring against us” because his sect “deserves” more respect and resources when he notices white entering the corner of his peripheral vision. He huffs. About damn time. 

Lan Xichen practically floats into the room, graceful as ever when he greets his fellow Sect Leaders. It’s not only the hard gleam in his eyes that tells Nie Mingjue this conference is about to get infinitely more interesting. 

No, the shadow of purple standing behind Xichen just off to the side, as if waiting for the proper time to strike, that what really gets him geared up. 

As he tunes in to actually listen to what Xichen is saying, he can’t help but feel a certain sense of vindication. Here the First Jade of Lan is, ever noble and just, making a case against the Wens. 

Nie Mingjue has been trying to get these lazy fools to do something for months because there is only so long Qinghe can fight alone, but he guesses it’s easier to listen when it’s coming from someone as pleasant and diplomatic as Xichen.  

The others really shouldn’t be so shocked by this, especially after the burning of the Cloud Recesses. Especially after what happened to the Jiang Sect.

It’s when the first indication of dissent arises that the purple shadow emerges.

Less like a shadow and more like a typhoon, the man Nie Mingjue recognizes as the previously assumed deceased Jiang heir openly calls these men for what they are.

“-Do the lives of my family, my sect, my people mean nothing to you? What about the lives of your own people? Are you willing to sacrifice them for cowardice?”

“Of course not! Had the Jiang Sect just complied-” 

“Compliance you say,” the Jiang kid’s eyes narrow and Nie Mingjue is already on the edge of his seat, “so you’ve lost your pride along with your humanity it seems”

“How dare you!” And there goes Sect Leader Yao again.

“I loathe to say it, but Yunmeng Jiang complied,” the young heir raises his voice, loud enough to be heard over the crowd, “We complied and tried to play the peacemakers just as you all so wisely suggest, but what did that get us?” 

Nie Mingjue can see another insensitive prick about to open his mouth. Luckily, Xichen interjects. Had he been successful, the Jiang kid- no, the new Jiang Sect Leader probably would have strangled the man, if the sparks slithering up his arm are any indication. 

“We have all heard of the atrocities committed by the Wen Sect, many of us here have even experienced it first-hand.” Xichen begins calmly, “The truth of the matter is that we cannot predict what Wen Ruohan has planned next when his only goal is escalation.”

“First the Nie Sect,” Xichen looks at him, and then continues around the room, making eye-contact with each leader present. “They have expressed unease several times as the Wen Sect made various attempts to encroach upon their territory; they warned us of their intentions. We did not listen.”

“Next was Gusu.” Lan Xichen pauses for a moment to collect himself, Nie Mingjue can see the slight tremble in his hands as he forges on. 

“I had to watch my people flee with their children and only the clothes on their backs to escape the scorching flames engulfing their homes. I, myself, had to flee in an effort to preserve centuries of knowledge and culture. An act that haunts me to this day. We asked for help, you did not listen.”

“And then the Jiang Sect.” Xichen looks to the side at the new Sect Leader, thrust into the position much too young. 

“What can I even say-” his voice breaks slightly, “I should hope I do not need to explain how utterly vile what happened that night was. What continues to happen within the walls of Lotus Pier.”

Nie Mingjue commends the Jiang kid. He’s been firmly maintaining eye-contact with anyone who dares look his way. Not once has he flinched away from the assessing eyes, not once has he shown weakness. 

“Three of the five major sects,” Xichen continues, “the time for asking has long ended. Are you going to listen?”

And that’s Nie Mingjue’s cue. 

He cuts through the silence. “I agree with Sect Leader Lan and Sect Leader Jiang.” Forty eyes turn his way.

“And I’m not as nice as Xichen so I’ll just say it. There’s a reason we’re called “Great” and you lot are not.” He points at them, he doesn’t care if it's rude or that they’re all twice his age. He’s long stopped caring about what those men think of him.  

“Half of you rely on us for protection. Either support us and help take those sons of bitches down, or watch the consequences of your own weakness.”

Nie Mingjue rises from his seat, bows to Xichen, bows to Jiang Wanyin. “Sect Leader Lan, Sect Leader Jiang.”

When he rises he makes eye-contact with the youngest of them all, “You have my support, no matter what.” 

2. To mourn 

The days have been grueling and morale is getting lower by the hour. 

Nie Mingjue has heard about wars, how could he not, but never has he actually participated in one. Never has he had to lead one. It is tiresome and Nie Mingjue has seen enough death to last him a lifetime. 

It’s been a year since the start of the Sunshot Campaign. 

They’re making their way along the border of Yunmeng and Qishan, Sect Leader Jiang heading the group, with Nie Mingjue mere steps behind him. They’re supposed to be meeting with Xichen at some point, but he thinks it might be better to set up camp at this point.

Suddenly, Sect Leader Jiang stops. “Something’s wrong.”

Nie Mingjue blinks, “Explain.” 

“The markers are gone. Expect an ambush.” 

Okay then. Nie Mingjue has always been a fan of brevity, he appreciates that his ally utilizes it well. He sends a signal down to the back of the group and they all shift into position, hands on hilts. 

The first arrow that comes aims for a newly minted member of the Jiang Sect. 

A wave of red. 

It starts. 

...

Nie Mingjue has often been told that he rivals a force of nature when he fights, those people have obviously never seen Sect Leader Jiang in action. 

He wields both his sword and Zidian expertly for his age, and the Yunmeng style pairs with his own rather well. 

One by one red begins to fall, seeping into the forest floor. 

This group was smaller than the others and lacking in experience, but they still managed to do some damage. 

Nie Mingjue looks at the bodies littering the ground, counts his casualties, and prays for their souls. Sect Leader Jiang does the same for his men. 

Seven of theirs were lost, two of his and five from Yunmeng. 

Sect Leader Jiang kneels down by a particular body, purple soaked in so much red it’s almost black. 

Ah, the young Jiang disciple from earlier. He looks to be a few years younger than even the Jiang Sect leader. Nie Mingjue curses the Wens once more. 

He signals the rest of the men to begin retrieval as he goes to stand in front of Sect Leader Jiang’s trembling back, as he clutches the robes of another brother lost. 

Nie Mingjue is tired. 

3. Watch out

Nie Mingjue has visited Lotus Pier several times since the end of the campaign, and each time he cannot help but feel impressed by how much it has changed. 

It has only been a few months since his last visit, and already all of the foundations are built, Nie Mingjue notes as he is led towards where the man he’s come to visit is. It comes as no surprise when he and his guide finally find him crouched on a roof somewhere; hammer in hand and nails in his mouth. 

“Sect Leader!” his head pops up, searching for the voice that called out to him and Nie Mingjue stifles a snort, Huaisang was right when he said Jiang Wanyin could be quite...puppy-like.

When he finally spots the sect leader spots his target, he takes the nails out of his mouth and the Jiang disciple bows, “Sect Leader Nie has come.” 

Blue eyes lock onto his own, and Nie Mingjue bows his head in greeting. “Sect Leader Jiang” does the same. 

Nie Mingjue would like to think that they’ve become somewhat friendly over the past few years, so it only amuses him when his fellow leader calls out, “Are you gonna stand there or help me build this roof?” This time he does snort, it seems he will be dealing with “Jiang Wanyin” today. Good. 

“What a way to treat your elders,” he says as he dutifully makes his way onto the roof. He’s glad he wore practical-wear this time.

“I apologize. Sect Leader Nie, please be useful and help me finish this roof,” a smirk, “better?”

Nie Mingjue huffs, “Gods, you’re such a brat. No wonder you and Huaisang get along so well.” 

“Oh please, at least I didn’t ask you to help restore the paintings,” he says with a roll of his eyes,  “Enough chit-chat. No freeloaders in Lotus Pier.”

“Yessir, Sect Leader Jiang, sir” Nie Mingjue mock salutes as he gets to work. 

They work in silence for the most part. Nie Mingjue securing much of the structure, while Jiang Wanyin works on the roof paneling. If Nie Mingjue hears slight humming as they work, well, it only makes the day more pleasant. 

The sun is close to setting by the time the two of them finish. 

Nie Mingjue begins collecting the tools while Jiang Wanyin puts the final touches on the last panel. 

“I hope I’ll at least get some food for all my efforts,” Nie Mingjue says over his shoulder as he tosses the tools to the ground. It earns him a chuckle.

“When have you ever come to Lotus Pier and not eaten a village’s worth of food?” Jiang Wanyin retorts. 

“Street food is one thing, but I’ve been craving that dish you used to make at the camps, you know, the spicy one. Think you could put it together?” Nie Mingjue asks, eyebrows slightly raised, eyes hopeful.

Jiang Wanyin pretends to think about it, makes a whole scene of it with his hand on his chin and everything. “Hmm, I think I can manage that,” he says as he makes his way to Nie Mingjue on the corner of the roof, “as long as you brought some good wine, that is,” he finishes, showing a rare smile.

Nie Mingjue scoffs to cover his breath catching, “Who do you think I am?” He turns to look out at the rest of Lotus Pier, just for good measure, and Jiang Wanyin does the same.

The sun has just about set as lanterns begin to light up the night. It’s quiet. It’s peaceful.

“We should head down,” Nie Mingjue murmurs, reluctant to leave the view behind. From the corner of his eye, he can see Jiang Wanyin nod.

Just as they begin to make their way down, a crack sounds through the night and Jiang Wanyin’s foot is sliding out from under him, knee buckling. Nie Mingjue acts on instinct, reaching out to the younger man and pulling him back towards himself.

They stand there for a few tense moments, Jiang Wanyin’s back to his chest, hands clutching the arm circling his waist. 

“I guess I need to add more support to that part of the roof,” is what breaks the silence, hushed.

“Mn. We’ll work on it tomorrow morning.” Nie Mingjue responds, just as low. He can feel Jiang Wanyin nodding. 

Slowly, Jiang Wanyin regains his footing and Nie Mingjue’s hand releases from around his waist, reluctantly sliding off. Jiang Wanyin lets go of his arm, too. 

They make their way off the roof. 

Quickly, Jiang Wanyin’s composure returns.

Quickly, Nie Mingjue tries to forget what it felt like to have the younger man in his arms. 

4. Nie Huaisaing. 

Nie Mingjue doesn’t know what he was expecting when he went to go look for Nie Huaisang, but it definitely wasn’t whatever...this is. 

Currently, his little brother is clutching onto Wanyin’s legs- in a rather impressive hold- while screaming something about broken promises and-

“I already told you that was a one-time thing!”

Well. That can’t be good. 

Before his brother can fully metamorphose into a koala, Nie Mingue decides to make his presence known. By rather loudly clearing his throat. 

What greets him are the faces of two men caught red-handed, doing what, Nie Mingjue isn’t quite sure, but he knows he’s about to find out.

“Nie-”

“Da-ge-”

Nie Mingjue holds up a hand. He can already feel a headache brewing, but if someone has cheated his little brother, then he can’t stand idly by, even if the cheater is someone that he’s become rather fond of. Now, to approach this situation diplomatically. 

“What the fuck?” Apparently, that’s the best he can come up with.

“Da-ge, Jiang-xiong promised he’d be my model but he keeps going back-”

Wait what.

“I already modeled for you when we were students! Plus, I was drunk-”

Now that’s...

“Being drunk doesn’t change the fact that it was a promise. And who said it was a one-time thing? And you wore clothes! You promised-”

Fuck. 

Nie Mingjue feels as if he’s been blindsided, just a bit. Wanyin modeled? Jiang Wanyin? For his brother?

Nie Mingjue can’t even begin to imagine how that came about- although, obviously alcohol was involved. And now that it’s out there, he can’t help but think that Wanyin would have looked absolutely- 

Oh, he’s being looked at. Expectantly. Again. He sighs. 

“Huaisang, let Jiang Wanyin go, we’ve important business to discuss.”

He ignores the disappointment he feels at the thought of being unable to sneak a peek at Huaisang’s finished piece, especially when he notices relief flood Wanyin’s face. 

“But Da-ge!”

“No.”

He watches the little brat untangle himself from Wanyin’s legs, huffing and puffing his way out of the room, complaining about disrespect and “whatever happened to bros before…” 

Nie Mingjue squints at his brother in suspicion, nose scrunched. He better not have been-

A cough breaks him out of imagining the various ways he can torture a confession out of his brother.

There’s a flush high on Wanyin’s cheeks, he tries to compose himself and Nie Mingjue lets him. 

He clears his throat and bows, “I’m sorry you had to see that...and thanks for saving me from your brother-” Nie Mingjue wouldn’t have been able to stop the laugh that burst out even if he tried, “-what business did you want to discuss?”

“Don’t worry about it, Wanyin. You aren’t his first victim, and I doubt you’ll be his last.” Wanyin cocks his head to the side. Nie Mingjue’s heart stutters at how cute the display is. He continues, “And there wasn’t any business. You just looked uncomfortable.” 

“Ah. Well,” a cough, another flush. “Thank you, again.” 

“However,” Wanyin’s shoulder’s tense minutely, “if you have time, Wanyin, I wouldn’t mind a sparring partner.” 

Wanyin snorts and the tension bleeds away. “Of course,” he motions with his hand, “lead the way.”

5. Help 

How do you help someone when you can’t even help yourself?

Nie Mingjue knows he’s going to die soon.

He feels it, every time. His qi is eating him from the inside out, slowly breaking down his core and driving him insane. 

He doesn’t understand. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, everything’s moving too fast. For fuck’s sake, he’s only twenty-four.

But he can’t help it. 

More and more he feels himself slipping. Lan Xichen is doing what he can, Huaisang has started scouring the archives and bringing him “home remedies” (he hasn’t mentioned anything, but he knows his brother isn’t as dumb as he claims to be), and even Jin Guangyao has tried to play for him. 

Yet nothing seems to calm the rage quickly overwhelming his soul. 

And Wanyin… Nie Mingjue hasn’t dared to see him in months, afraid of ever losing himself in the other’s presence. 

Nie Mingjue knows he tries to hide it, but Wanyin hasn’t been the same since the siege (no one has, really). The only things keeping him afloat are Jin Ling and his overwhelming sense of duty to his people. 

Nie Mingjue refuses to give Wanyin another burden.

All he can do at this point is to manage what comes his way, avoid the things he knows trigger his deviations, and hope for the best. He’s not good at hoping. He knows this. 

Huaisang knows this.

So why the fuck is Wanyin standing in the middle of his chambers arms crossed, demanding answers?

He looks horrible, dark welts under dull eyes, face a pallid color. Nie Mingjue can’t even judge though, he’s sure he looks more living corpse than human at this point. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” is what he says instead. 

Wanyin flinches, eyes widening in disbelief. “‘You shouldn’t be here,’ that’s all you have to say? After months of silence? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Nie Mingjue can already feel his patience beginning to thin, whatever of it is left anyway, if Wanyin doesn’t leave soon, he’s not sure what will happen.

“I’m sure whatever Huaisang told you was an exaggeration. You should leave,” he grits out between clenched teeth. Fingers already digging marks into his hands. 

“Huaisang didn’t tell me shit other than that you’re being a stubborn asshole.”

“Excuse me?” He seethes. Nie Mingjue can already feel his qi fluctuating dangerously, and by the looks of it, so can Wanyin because he looks at him warily, and takes a hesitant step back. 

“I need you to leave.” This is it, this is his last-ditch effort to get Wanyin as far away from him as possible before he loses all remaining control.

Wanyin’s eyes go cold, looking more like ice than the warm pools of water Nie Mingjue is so familiar with.

“No”

Nie Mingjue snaps.

… 

…

When he comes to, he notices two things immediately. 

One, he can’t move anything from his neck down. And there’s a sharp sting at the slightest twitches. 

Two, there’s an incessant fucking “ding” every twenty seconds. 

Nie Mingjue manages to peel his eyes open and is greeted by one of his worst nightmares. 

His room is almost completely destroyed. There’s debris everywhere and blood splattered across the floor. Any residual anger drains from him; he feels sick. He’s going to be-

“It was one of the disciples, he’s fine. There are more, by the way, standing outside.”

Nie Mingjue whips his head to the side, as much as he can, and sees Wanyin, his Wanyin, looking bloody and bruised, but alive. Very much alive. 

Nie Mingjue thanks every god he believes in that Wanyin is still breathing, that he didn’t just kill one of the two people he swore he’d never lay a hand on. 

“Do you want to tell me what the fuck that was all about or do you want me to tell you what my theory is?”

Nie Mingjue goes to move and is once again reminded why he should when he feels a sharp sting race across his spine; he looks down. Well, that explains some of it. Zidian is wrapped around his entire body. He sighs. 

“Wanyin...” Nothing. He finds there’s nothing for him to say. His head drops to avoid eye contact.

“Okay, then. What do you need?”

“What?”

“What do you need? Do you know why this is happening? What have you tried? Is there anything else we can do? We have this practice in Yunmeng-” Jiang Wanyin goes on. 

Nie Mingjue feels immense fondness surge for the man in front of him, but he knows it’s too late. 

“Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue calls, but he’s so lost in his mind, pacing back and forth that he doesn’t hear him. “Wanyin,” he tries again, a bit louder. Nothing.

“Cheng’er.” 

Ah, that gets his attention. “We’ve already tried everything. There’s nothing left.”

Wanyin glares at him, even as tears well in his eyes, “No...No! You’ve tried everything, I haven’t! I haven’t even started. I refuse to just let you die like this.” 

Wanyin rubs furiously at his eyes, and even if he can’t move, Nie Mingjue yearns to reach out and hold him. To wipe away his tears and assure him that things will be fine. But he can’t.

“Wanyin-”

“No, what happened to ‘Cheng’er’? You haven’t even let me try to help, don’t tell me I can’t.” Nie Mingjue feels Zidian loosen and sees it return to its owner. “You know what my sect’s motto is.”

Nie Mingjue does. He’s seen Wanyin attempt the impossible, seen him conquer it. But Nie Mingjue has also seen the toll it’s taken on him.

“I won’t be another burden on your shoulders, Cheng’er,” he says. He’s been released, but he refuses to move from where he is on the floor. 

“Shut up, that’s not your decision to make.” Wanyin moves closer, kneels in front of him with hands that reach up and cup his cheeks, “I want to help, please let me try. I can’t lose you too, Ming-ge.” 

Nie Mingjue has always been regarded as a beacon of strength, but he’s never felt weaker than he does right now. 

“I hurt you,” he tries.

“You didn’t. I’m stronger than you think.” Wanyin’s right hand slides to the back of his neck, forces him to look at him. To see him. “Let me help.”

He sighs for what feels like the hundredth time this night.

“Okay,” he says as he leans his forehead against this storm of a man, and looks into warm lakes once more. 

“Okay, Cheng’er. Help me.”

--

Have you made it to the end? What do you think? 

Thank you for reading! And I’m open to more prompts.

#mingcheng #nie mingjue #jiang cheng #mdzs #dulharpa #tried to write

[songofclarity]

I really like your takes on Wen Rouhan! Hes definitely not a good person but a complex one! And I think you portray that well. Showing he in fact as loyalties and affections while wanting to murder and take over the world. A man can do both!

That bit about him finding out about how his entire sect was abused after his death is so interesting. He obviously had interest in keeping is sect strong and alive but its partially, I'm not going to say fault ( he was, y'know, dead ), but rather because of his influence. Because he did so bad to the other sects they thought they had the right to abuse the wens back ( notably the jins, fuck them ) . Which no! Punish those who need to punish not the innocents! I really would like to see how he would grapple with that.

Thank you for providing some damn needed takes on certain characters, whether it be Nie Mingjue or Wen Rouhan!

Thank you! I love to see a morally gray characters!

The thing about the Wen Sect is that it was huge and bustling and welcoming to outsiders. Nightless City is so named because it is the size of a city. Guest cultivators love being in the Wen Sect! We don’t see anyone, ever, wanting to retract from the Wen Sect even after that freak event at Lotus Pier. Even Wen Qing is just all, ‘Yeah, that has nothing to do with me’ and that’s honestly a reasonable thing to say when your sect is as huge as it is. It would be like if you work for a company in LA and their branch in Dallas royally fucked up. That has nothing to do with me! But while Wen RuoHan, as CEO, is still responsible for both sites, there’s simply too many people for him to micromanage and things are going to go awry, especially when you get individual personalities like Wang LingJiao involved.

We don’t know if Wen RuoHan made the Wen Sect as big and powerful as it is or if he is simply one Sect Leader down the line and inherited it, but he’s definitely surrounded by a lot of people who like being there! It surprises me when it’s suggested that Wen RuoHan has no loyalties or affections. One of the few things we learn about him is about his favorite family members. He likes people, even if they are just his own people! Plus his sect was strong and alive! And it was still going strong when he died. So to have a city-sized population completely wiped out in just a couple years is... terrible.

I will persist that while he’s not necessarily a good person, I don’t think we can actually accuse him of wanting to murder anyone, much less take over the world. When he had the opportunity to do both of those things -- kill Nie MingJue in the Sun Palace and stomp out all the Sects at the start of the Sunshot Campaign when they were at their weakest point -- he didn’t do it. The opportunity was right there! He could have had it all! Yet he didn’t take it. Wen RuoHan having his entire Sect and family wiped out after he actively turned down the chance to do such a thing to his enemies is part of what makes it terrible! He could have been a horrible, monstrous person, but he made the choice not to.

Although I feel like we’re all at the point where I bring this argument up and everyone is just like,

But! Until evidence of him wanting to murder and take over the world is actually presented, I’m just going to keep advocating this! His mistakes and wrongdoings that make him an antagonist simply lie elsewhere.

And part of where it lies is that the Wen Sect was so powerful and hoarded that power that it made Sects like the Jin and people like Jin GuangShan resentful and power-hungry. I can’t help consider that the other Sects might have trusted the Jin with the Wen Remnants on the basis that the Nie and Jiang wanted blood while the Jin should have been the more neutral sect, having once been allies with the Wen. But the Jin were always #2, never #1, so the moment Wen RuoHan fell, the Jin got their power trip game on and treated the Wen remnants like animals. It was never because Wen RuoHan or the Wen Sect actually harmed the Jin Sect. The Wen certainly weren’t giving the Jin respect as a sect of equal standing when Wen RuoHan spoke of them as “coming back to hug the Wen Sect's leg and worship it once more" (ch. 61, ERS).

So what I’m trying to get to is that just because Wen RuoHan didn’t care about everything doesn’t mean he cared about nothing. Wen RuoHan had pride in his own sect and there were people in it that he loved and protected. (I can reasonably argue that Wen RuoHan’s policies were meant to help the other sects albeit the execution was actually the worst.) But in any case! Let Wen RuoHan care about things! And especially let him care about the people around him and the people that he lost.

#mdzs thoughts #asked from above #absolutelynotsanebaby #wen ruohan #i wrote this during class #sorry for rambling and i hope it makes sense lol #but i'm glad i can contribute to offering good or useful takes!

[paradife-loft]

ooooh, man. reading through the original MDZS chapter version of “Wei Wuxian ruins a banquet by accusing some folks of war crimes,” there’s some really juicy details in here that give the whole scene a subtly different flavor than the CQL one! idk if I like one better than the other necessarily, but I’m having a lot of fun here. a few highlights and my takes on them:

the Jiang sect just straight-up doesn’t appear to have been invited. Jiang Cheng is noted as not being there; Wei Wuxian is explicitly crashing the party. (JGY: “oh, apologies I didn’t prepare for your arrival! did you have an invitation?” // WWX: “nope!”)

which is interesting to me as far as the power dynamics between the sects that it’s drawing - in CQL, JGS and the Jin sect are responding to the Jiang sect’s quick recovery and WWX’s abilities by trying to bind them in closer, enfolding them as a minor client sect with Jiang Cheng leaning on his father-in-law-to-be for leadership and legitimacy. in the novel, on the other hand, they’re responding with exclusion - the Jiangs’ absence, with the snotty way Jin Zixun speaks to Su She as not belonging at Koi Tower a scene earlier setting the implicational state. (and isn’t it interesting too, that the Lan sect does clearly still get an invite? you can much more obviously see these stratified layers of who belongs where in the social hierarchy and why.)

(additionally, since poor Jiang Cheng isn’t actually physically present, he’s not quite so horribly undermined by WWX being an arrogant little shit, saying “nobody can stop me if I want to do something!” while he is, in fact, his superior, his Sect Leader, right there in the room and obviously doing nothing? the CQL version is really doing a number on his face as a new young sect leader, that the novel version doesn’t have.)

relatedly: the aggressive comparison between the Jin sect here and the Wen sect pre-Sunshot has even more teeth than it does in the drama, since in novel canon the preeminence of the two and the abuses they enact are both directly and only about political power. (the addition of Wen Ruohan messing with the yin iron as a plot point in the show, I find thematically crunchy in this respect for different reasons, as the comparison becomes one of, hey just because you aren’t making lava uruk-hai ghost puppets and cackling like a supervillain, doesn’t mean your “nice” swept-under-the-rug brutality comes down to anything different at its core - which is uhhhhh, relevant to a lot of things lmao.) but having them be essentially the same in what kind of power they’re misusing, showing this cycle of one group being torn down and the next rising (...and happily gobbling up the former’s territory and minor client clans!) - that’s some good shit.

Lan Xichen doesn’t take the drink that Jin Zixun tries to force on him. once again, I enjoy both versions of this scene for different reasons, but holy shit does the dynamic look different with this encounter. it’s almost a little unfortunate, because (due to the intervention of WWX re: Lan Wangji’s cup) we never get to see Xichen come down on a decision here - but this also shows almost a more united front for the Two Jades, highlighting their similarity (as I think the novel generally does a bit more?) as opposed to showing the contrast of what particular weaknesses they have in making social decisions. (Lan Xichen is not backed into saying here, I will put the rules of social harmony above the rules of personal purity; Wangji I love you but I do ultimately think you need to learn to bend some of your rigidity, because there are times like these where it will only cause problems. more complimentary, perhaps, to how we see Xichen if it doesn’t look like he’s hanging Wangji out to dry on his own, but also.... I love that fault line. ah well.)

(incidentally..... also highlighted because in the novel neither one takes the drink: since Wei Wuxian runs interference (dramatically) for Lan Wangji, who is doing the same and how for Lan Xichen? Jin Guangyao. by attempting to placate, by offering excuses and explanations that are trying to save the face of everyone involved. and it’s not working, because Jin Zixun knows that he’s got the power in this scene so long as he can bulldoze through the rules of cooperative social engagement, the rules that work so long as everyone is acting in good faith (that Jin Guangyao has been trying, and trying, and trying to do right and advance by). he only hits a wall once a second bulldozer comes in to say oh, you’re not playing in good faith? well then let’s just toss the rules entirely. (a dynamic exploited in so, so many contexts. interpersonal. political. when one group has power and can decide exactly if and when the rules apply, and those cases are exclusively weaponised in their favour - you cannot advance your goals by being the best at following those rules. RIP Jin Guangyao. of course, Wei Wuxian is the other side of the coin, where trying to fight that power structure by saying fuck those rules can be just as dangerous when you don’t have enough people/power backing you up and win. but damn, the narrative foil relationship drawn in this scene! I love it.)

#James liveblogs books #MDZS #The Untamed #no good things for the poor sad cultivators #meta #Wei Wuxian #Lan Xichen #Jin Guangyao #Lan Wangji #Jiang Cheng #op

[trensu]

Episode 50: The One with the Greatest Family Reunion(s) of All Time

so we start the ep with nhs's truly oscar-worthy performance which results in jgy getting stabbed

And i cheer for both the performance AND the stabbing!!!

lxc has his eyes closed bc that's his coping mechanism when times get tough

lol lxc is like I TOLD YOU I WASN'T GONNA HOLD BACK IF YOU DID ONE MORE BAD THING

and jgy is like i know!! that's why i haven't done one more bad thing!!!!

everyone's faces are like sure jan

but then they look at nhs like, wait a minute...

jgy is like why are you looking at him? you're not gonna see anything! i didn't see anything all these years and i'm smarter and sneakier than all of you!!!

okay, he didn't say that last part but it was def implied

jgy: nhs, good for you. i didn't expect that you would be my downfall.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQ--uhhh, NIE HUAISANG!!

nhs hasn't broken character either! He needs to join a theater troupe or smth with those skills.

blah blah lxc and jgy are having Feelings blah blah blah lxc is conflicted blah

hm, those Feelings are becoming rather Dramatique

ugh jgy just let it go and die already

jgy: have I ever done you wrong?

UM?? how about KILLING his little brother's soulmate?

which resulted in him having to watch his little brother suffer extreme physical punishment and then grieve for years after??

PRETTY SURE THAT HURT LXC QUITE A LOT

Jgy: now you won't even give me a chance to live?

I THINK THE FUCK NOT!!!

oh we're getting some not so great special effects and jgy drags lxc to the coffin and then bleeds all over it, gross

ooooh, the Temple of Doom is starting to fall apart

lwj makes a move towards lxc but wwx grabs his arm and stops him!

bc it's dangerous to get too close and wwx is protective of his soulmate!!

jc starts the evacuation bc hello the building is crumbling and he gets everyone out except the lan bros, wwx and jgy

Jgy: stay and die with me

FUCK YOU JGY

but lxc was ready and willing to do that, so jgy shoves him back bc why the hell not

(we're gonna ignore how awkward that particular maneuver was, we already know special effects are not a priority in this show)

Jgy's like lets emotionally torment lxc some more, just for kicks, bc I'm an ASSHOLE

lwj catches his brother and he is Concerned.

Eventually our lan bros and wwx flee the temple and jgy has one last meltdown before getting crushed LIKE THE MAGGOT HE IS

Now we cut to a shot of all our crew standing outside

and we see my bratty son slowly fall to his knees with a look of UTTER SORROW AND PAIN ON HIS FACE

Bc he was BETRAYED by his nice uncle

MY POOR SON!!

we get reaction shots from wwx and the lan bros

(wwx continues to be beautiful even when sad)

oh, now lxc and nhs are having a moment sitting on the steps of the temple

lxc asks nhs if jgy really had made a move

nhs is like, you questioning me is making me doubt everything! idk idk!!

even amidst his grief he takes a moment to be completely exasperated by NHS's catchphrase lolol

now we cut to wwx sitting on a different set of stairs, carefully fiddling with his demon flute and he looks up to see jc watching him and HE SMILES

BC THAT'S HIS LITTLE BROTHER!! 

AND THEY'RE ALL STILL MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE AFTER THAT HOT MESS!!

oooh, he's unwrapping his sleeve and we get a flash of his bare forearm 

how scandalous! you're gonna give lwj vapors, wwx

We see the very last cut on his arm fade away bc finally mxy has been avenged

AND WWX SMILES AGAIN!!

cut to jc and jl watching wwx smile

bc i mean, who wouldn't be captivated by wwx's smile?

PEOPLE YOU CAN'T TRUST, THAT'S WHO

none of the sect leaders before were captivated by that smile AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!!

oh that smile didn't stick around for long bc we hear barking!!

wwx gets this panicked wide-eyed expression that mAKES ME WANNA HIDE HIM AND PROTECT HIM FROM THE WORLD

But I also don't want to get murdered by LWJ's death glare so I'll just let him hide and protect wwx...

omg my bratty son looks SO HAPPY and shouts "fairy!!" before running towards his doggy friend

i'm not much of a dog person, tbh, but MY BRATTY SON IS SO HAPPY 

and fairy did bring a whole crew of cultivators...

too little too late, some smart spiritual dog he is, lololol

we've got lan disciples, and jiang disciples and all these people swarming around our crew, fussing over them. 

it's kind of sweet except i notice that no one's approached my bratty son 

he is, in fact, ALL ALONE with fairy and i am OFFENDED on his behalf

not that my bratty son seems to mind

he's too wrapped up in his doggy reunion to notice BUT I NOTICED SO I'LL BE OFFENDED ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US

wwx is smiling as he sees lwj and jc being fussed over by their respective disciples

so cute so CUTE, I love his smiles so much

lwj stands up and greets his uncle with a stately bow 

god he's elegant and regal af, how the hell does he do it

but his uncle's a douchebag and barely acknowledges him before turning to leave and lwj watches him go, kind of hurt, kind of surprised

ooooh, now we get a shot of jc watching wwx as he gets questioned by oyzz

Oyzz is like what happened? Are you hurt? Is everyone okay??

and we can see wwx is still smiling!! BC MY BOY IS MADE OF SUNSHINE OKAY

awwwww

jl looks up  with an ADORABLE smile on his face and tells fairy to wait outside 

HE TAKES FAIRY OUTSIDE BC HE KNOWS WWX IS AFRAID OF DOGS!!!

My bratty son is actually very sweet!!

jc starts to leave the scene (and it's only until now that he stops staring at wwx btw) and wwx watches him go 😔

cut to a shot of lwj blatantly staring at wwx as per usual

wwx looks up and meets his gaze 

they get lost in each other for a bit bc when DON'T they?

We’re at the steps of the temple again and we see nhs pick up jgy's crumpled up hat looking all contemplative

oops, nhs's fingers come away from the hat all tacky with blood, yuck

cut to my bratty son running back into the temple where all the cultivators are inspecting stuff and he asks ljy where wwx is

HE'S ASKING AFTER MY SUNSHINE BOY!

Y'know, his not-evil, not-angry uncle? 

ljy tells him that he and hanguang jun left after they brought them lil apple

lol, the idea of ljy and oyzz dragging lil apple along just to return him to wwx cracks me up

jl tells ljy to take care of fairy for him before he dashes off to find his new uncle

BUT JC STOPS HIM?? "don't chase after them"

look at jc being all Cool leaning against that tree

in his fashionable robes

with his awesome sword tucked in the crook of his elbow

jl throws one last glance at the direction wwx and lwj left, and then joins jc under the tree 

jc is like, they're long gone kid

jl: so that's it? you're letting them leave just like that??

jc: what else? invite them to stay for dinner? say thank you and then i am sorry??

lol, he's working himself up into a snit already

But also, like, MY BRATTY SON HAS A GOOD HEART, OKAY??

he just hides it under bluster bc he's sensitive and people are mean to him all the time!

HE WANTED TO CONNECT WITH WWX (AND MAYBE LWJ??) NOW THAT THIS WAS ALL OVER

AND HE WOULD'VE DONE IT IF NOT FOR JC BEING ALL HUNG UP ON HIS ISSUES STILL

not that i hold that against jc, that's a lot of emotional trauma he's gotta work through

LOL JL IS NOT GONNA LET HIMSELF BE COWED BY HIS UNCLE BC WHEN DOES HE EVER?

JL: it was exactly bc of the way you were acting that they took off! you're such a pain in the neck!!

AND THEN HE POUTS AND FALLS INTO A CROUCH WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED AND STARTS SULKING UP A STORM

I LOVE MY BRATTY SON SO MUCH

JC: IS THAT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPEAK TO YOUR ELDERS? ARE YOU ASKING TO GET DISCIPLINED??

these two crack me up every time, i swear

but the whole corporal punishment is...problematic

jc raises his arm to smack jl and jl ducks and raises his own arm to block the blow and i'm sitting here like, yikes

but then we get a shot of jc's open palm, out of focus with a crisp backdrop of red leaves from the tree they're under

and his hand is just held there, stilled for just a moment before the fingers start to gently curl inward and the strike never happens (thank god)

jc: lets go home, jin ling. let everyone go back to the place where they belong

he walks off with jin ling springing to his feet and chasing after him a beat later

jl: was there something you wanted to say to wwx?

have i mentioned i love my bratty son? BECAUSE I DO. A LOT.

jc: no, there isn't.

jl: bullshit!

I LOVE HIM!! WHAT A MOUTHY BRAT 💜

JL: i saw it with my own eyes! you wanted to talk to wwx! but you didn't say a word just now or back in the temple!

jc: there is nothing to say

jl: bullshit! you had something to say!

while this entire exchange is happening we see jc marching ahead, not looking at jl at all, but jl is walking backwards eyes pinned to his face the entire time

bc my son might be a brat but he's also pretty observant and he KNOWS his uncle 

AND NOW WE GET A FLASHBACK

WE GET A BIG REVEAL

we're back at “the ones where we gross sob FOREVER”

and wwx is telling jc to stay put at the inn while he goes to get food and meds

his voice all weak and tremulous

but jc steps out of the inn for a moment after wwx leaves

AND SEES THAT THE WEN FLUNKIES CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS BROTHER!!

they were like three feet away from grabbing his big brother

and he says internally, "take care. i'm leaving jyl in your hands"

AND I'M CRYING BC THEY'RE PLAYING THAT MUSIC

THAT SWEET TENDER MUSIC THEY PLAY WHENEVER JYL AND HER BROTHERS HAVE A MOMENT

Jc goes and causes a distraction and lets himself be caught by the wens

SO THAT HIS BIG BROTHER AND BIG SISTER COULD STAY SAFE

I'M CRYING I'M CRYING

MY YUNMENG SIBS, MY POOR YUNMENG SIBS!! 

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO SUFFER SO?? 

WHY WERE THEY SO DAMN SELF-SACRIFICING??? 

WHY THE HELL COULDN'T THEY LEARN TO COMMUNICATE BETTER???

cut back to the present, and jc's eyes are welled up with tears 

he has a hurt little smile on his face, he says, "take care"

softly, mostly to himself

after a moment, he turns to jin ling and says "lets go"

and we watch them leave

I just want them all to be a BIG HAPPY FAMILY DAMN IT

cut to the next scene, we hear ~THEIR SONG~ start playing in the background all slow and soft

i love the overhead shot we get of them surrounded by the gorgeous foliage, it's so peaceful

As wwx and lwj walk slowly and at ease with lil apple between them 

AND MY HEART FEELS SO TENDER AND FULL OMG

lwj: wei ying

he says it all seriously. wwx looks at him and he's got A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE 

bc he's looking at his soulmate!!!

who wouldn't smile when looking at their soulmate???

he's cheerfully twirling his flute bc finally all is right in the world! 

the mystery is solved, his loved ones are safe

and he's traveling with lwj and lil apple

nothing could be better!

wwx: whats up?

lwj is pointedly not looking at him

lwj: there is something that I…

and here he stops in his tracks, and wwx stops with him

lwj: i didn't tell you.

wwx gets all playful and leans on lil apple, and waggles his demon flute and lwj

wwx: what is it?

Look at that mischievous grin!!

he's all prepared to tease the heck out of lwj for whatever he's about to say LOL

but they're interrupted!!

wen ning and lan sizhui are running after them and wwx notices

LOLOL

His face scrunches up and he mutters under his breath like, damn it! every time!! these two are fast! 

wwx: sizhui, why are you following us? aren't you afraid of old master lan calling you out?

MY SUNSHINE BOY IS SMILING SO MUCH THIS EPISODE, I'M SO HAPPY!!!

lsz: i have something important to ask you!

he's all out of breath!

wwx turns to look at lwj eyes wide and curious before going back to lsz

wwx: what is it?

lsz goes on to explain how he's been remembering things but he's unsure of stuff so he wanted to ask them about it

wwx looks confused and glances at lwj 

lwj just looks back at him briefly before his eyes flick down

wwx: what is it that you want to know?

lsz looks down and, like, gathers up the strength needed for this next line of questioning. 

with the sweetest smile, and the softest eyes he starts listing stuff

like how he knew a cocky chef who was actually a terrible cook

(wwx laughs confusedly at this)

and how that man planted him in a field and told him he'd grow faster with some watering and sunlight

AND WE GET A FLASHBACK OF LITTLE A-YUAN PLOPPED IN THE DIRT GETTING BURIED BY WWX

he goes on to say how that man would play with him 

and how he had invited hunguang jun for a meal and then didn't pick up the tab so hanguang jun had to pay

There we get a flashback to their meal at the yiling wine house!

we cut back to the present and WWX'S FACE IS STUNNED, EYES WELLING UP WITH TEARS, AND LSZ IS GETTING CHOKED UP AS HE TELLS HIM THINGS

AND WWX'S BREATHING GETS SHAKY 

BC LSZ TELLS HIM HIS SURNAME IS WEN

wwx blinks rapidly, not believing what he's hearing

wwx: wen was your surname? isn't lan your surname?

wwx: lan sizhui, lan yuan.. A-yuan?

AND OH GOD HIS FACE, HIS FACE

His eyebrows are furrowed

His eyes are full of tears!

he's looking at lsz like this has to be a dream bc it's too good to be true

Lsz nods jerkily

AND I'M TRYING TO HOLD BACK TEARS

HOW THE HELL IS LWJ WATCHING THIS ALL GO DOWN WITHOUT CRYING??

he's watching his son so intently

he's seeing his two most precious people reunite

and there are no tears??

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HE'S VERY OBVIOUSLY MOVED BY THIS BUT NOT CRYING

MEANWHILE MY FACE IS A FREAKING RIVER OF EMOTION

lsz: i...i am a-yuan

and his voice all cracked with feeling

wwx huffs and is still shaky

wwx: didn't a-yuan pass away already?

he's thought his kid was dead this whole time

MY HEART, MY HEART

lwj had been staring at lsz this whole time but when he hears wwx say that, his gaze drops to the ground 

HE FEELS ASHAMED (AS HE SHOULD BE!!) BC HE DIDN'T TELL WWX SOONER

wwx turns to lwj, hope and tentative joy in his voice

wwx: lan zhan, was it you?

lwj meets his gaze and says yes, his voice steady and firm

lwj: this was the thing i haven't told you about

Yeah, i know, i’ve been YELLING AT YOU ABOUT IT THIS WHOLE TIME

and wwx looks back at lsz, breath choppy and lsz flings himself into wwx's arms!!!

I AM SOBBING

lsz: i really missed you, i really missed you

THEY'RE BOTH CRYING AND CLINGING TO EACH OTHER SO HARD

OH GOD I NEED TISSUES

wwx laughs and sniffles

wwx: silly boy, why are you crying?

AS IF YOUR FACE ISN'T STREAMING WITH TEARS, WWX

lsz pulls back and scrubs his face in his sleeve

lsx: i wasn't crying. i was just feeling really sad and yet thrilled at the same time

YOU TWO STOP DENYING YOUR TEARS

IF I HAVE TO SIT IN A PUDDLE OF MY TEARS THEN YOU HAVE TO OWN UP TO YOUR OWN TEARS, YOU HEAR ME??

lsz: i couldn't put it into words

lwj: then don't

pffft, ofc lwj would be the one advocating for LESS WORDS lololol

wwx laughs at that

wwx: that's right. no need to say anything

then he starts his theatrics, bc he wouldn't be wwx without his theatrics

he leans on lil apple and rubs his own shoulder

wwx: damn, you little ones are strong, you are indeed a student of hanguang jun

he looks at lwj and points his demon flute at him

HE'S SO HAPPY

lwj: he is a student of yours as well

omg lwj delivers this line so sincerely

like, there was barely a pause between what wwx and what lwj responded with

he's so freaking earnest

LOL wwx straightens up at that and reaches for lsz

wwx: no wonder he is such a handsome boy!

Wwx, you are SHAMELESS

He giggles as he pats lsz’s face, it’s freaking adorable

lsz: master wei didn't teach me anything!

wow lsz, you've had your other dad back for all of five minutes and you're already sassing him?

he truly is wwx's son lol

wwx: i did! it was bc you were so little and you forgot

You’re sounding a bit defensive there, wwx...

lsz: yes, i seem to recall. i remember now

wwx immediately starts preening

wwx: you see. i've mentored him!

lsz: for example, switching the portrait of a beauty into--

wwx slams his hand over lsz's mouth, HIS FACE IS A PICTURE OF PANIC

LOLOLOL

lwj's eyes have widened slightly and developed an edge of Judgement 

wn peeks at lwj out of the corner of his eyes like he's trying to gauge his reaction or smth lolol

wwx laughs awkwardly and takes his hand off lsz's mouth to shake a finger at him, wearing a tight smile on his face

lsz: and when a pretty lady passes by--

wwx: NONSENSE!!!

LOL I'M  D Y I N G

wwx shouts this at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS to drown out lsz

he whirls on him pointing an accusatory finger and marches towards him as lsz scrambles back

wwx: nonsense! how come you're remembering these kinds of things? how could i teach little kids these things?

LOL HE'S TALKING SO FAST

lsz: you did! wen ning can testify!

wow, way to throw your uncle under the bus, lsz

kids these days have no filial piety!

wwx: there's nothing for wen ning to testify!

OMG WN AND LWJ IN THE BACKGROUND 🤣🤣🤣

as soon as lsz draws attention to him, wn looks at lsz like WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

and lwj side-eyes wen ning SO HARD, like what the hell did you let wwx teach my son?

wwx: stop talking nonsense! i am telling you, little boy. lan zhan, what did you teach him?

AND WE GET THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SHOT OF LWJ HERE

as soon as wwx turns to him with his wild accusations, lwj gets this delightfully crooked smile on his face 

and he looks down as if there's TOO MUCH JOY IN HIS HEART that he can't bear to watch for long

GOD THIS IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. 

and this marks, what, THE THIRD? the third time lwj smiles in public, all OUT IN THE OPEN?

I'M DYING, I'M DYING

wwx: when a-yuan was little and with me, he was a good boy!

lsz: it's the truth!

wwx: nonsense!

wwx: do you see that pit? no matter how big you've become, i will still plant you into that pit. understand?

lsz has a big grin on his face

wwx: what are you laughing at? you dumb boy!

AND THEN LSZ DROPS TO THE GROUND AND HUGS WWX'S LEG LIKE HE USED TO WHEN HE WAS A TODDLER

AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL IN THE WORLD

wwx laughs to himself and lwj still has a small smile playing across his lips as he watches his son

wwx: a-yuan, you are too old for this

AS IF HE'S NOT LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT

wwx: do you remember, you used to grab hanguang jun's leg when you were little, just like this?

so many wonderful flashbacks of little a-yuan clinging to his parents’ legs!!

oh god, oh god, my heart, my heart is going to explode from all the tender feelings!! Look at their faces

wwx's mouth slowly curls into a smile before it grows INTO A FLASH OF HIS SQUINTY-EYED SMILE

you know the one!

the one that stretches SO BIG WITH HAPPINESS IT LIGHTS UP THE WHOLE WORLD?? YEAH, THAT ONE

and then we cut to lwj's face

he has the softest expression on his face

he's got this gentle, tiny smile, the slightest of curves at the corners of his mouth

and in his eyes are SO FULL OF LOVE AND WARMTH as he watches his soulmate smile at him with their son clinging to his soulmate's leg

AND I MUST'VE DIED AND GONE TO THE GOOD PLACE BC THIS IS JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE REAL

now we cut to a different scene, lwj and lsz are in the background have some sort of father-son chat, while wwx and wn chill in the foreground

here we find out that wn and lsz plan to go back to qishan to build some sort of memorial to their loved ones

wwx: i'll come with you

wn: that won't be necessary

wwx: you don't want me to tag along?

aw, my sunshine boy looks kinda hurt 😔

but wn assures him that that's not the case. it's just that wwx has already done more than enough for them and it's time for wen ning to go out on his own

wwx gets all teary-eyed again and pats him on the shoulder, and agrees that that's for the best

lsz and wn split off, and wwx waves his demon flute cheerfully at them, lwj at his side

wwx turns to lwj with a smile

wwx: lan zhan, lets go! 

he says happily, with confidence, then he taps chenqing on his head a couple of times

wwx: where should we go?

he grins, pulling lil apple along with him, so cheerfully!

wwx: let's get going, lil apple!

but lwj isn't turning with him

he's still in that spot, his back towards wwx who already was forging onto his next adventure

AND MY HEART IS BREAKING

BC WHY HASN'T HE TURNED TO FOLLOW WWX???

wwx slows to a stop as he notices the absence of white robes at his side AND ~THEIR SONG~ STARTS PLAYING AGAIN

he turns back slowly to look back at lwj, confused

there is too much distance between them!!

TOO MUCH!

multiple yards of distance where there should be NONE!

THERE SHOULD BE NONE DISTANCE!!!!!!

WHY ISN'T THERE NONE DISTANCE??!?!

lwj is still facing away from wwx, he's still rooted to the spot and his face has gone blank

wwx: lan zhan, you...aren't you coming with me?

HE SOUNDS SO CONFUSED, SO TIMID

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING

and there's a too long pause during which wwx's eyes are desperately pinned to lwj's back

finally, FINALLY, lwj turns ever so slowly to face wwx

wwx is staring at him and lwj can only meet his eyes briefly before they slowly turn downwards

wwx gets this tiny hurt smile on his face and nods as his eyes well with tears again but this time THEY ARE NOT HAPPY TEARS

these are "i knew this was too good to be true" tears

these are "of course i can't keep good, pure lan zhan at my side" tears

these are "this is exactly what i deserve" tears

lwj looks up again, and wwx gives him a nod and a smile bc he doesn't want lwj to feel guilty for leaving him

LEAVING HIM

HE'S LEAVING HIM AGAIN 

WHY 

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

the camera pulls out, really emphasizing the distance and the sudden quiet that falls between them is severely lacking any words of explanation

AND I'M SCREAMING INTERNALLY BC WTF WHY

we cut to a truly impressive shot of the cloud recesses, followed by a cut to a waterfall 

I’m pretty sure it's the same waterfall from when they were kids and had that sword fight

and we hear the opening notes of ~Their Song~ played on the flute 

wwx walks into view on the shore of the pond the waterfall goes into, with his flute at his lips

in the background we see that lwj is at the opposite shore closer to the waterfall, sitting cross-legged with his guqin in his lap

AND THEN THEY GIVE US VOCALS

bc watching them play ~THEIR SONG~ TOGETHER BUT AT A DISTANCE WASN'T PAINFUL ENOUGH

and jfc the shots of the waterfalls in this area are freaking gorgeous

now we see them standing together on the same boulder over a smaller waterfall 

bc our boys have an aesthetic 

that aesthetic is moonlight and waterfalls, and they're sticking to it

wwx: lan zhan, tbh, it surprised me that you would take over the role of his excellency

lwj: we made a vow here

and we get a flashback to the lantern scene and hear those vows they made as kids

Back in the present, wwx smiles, and knocks back the jar of wine that he has with him bc the mystery has been solved BUT HIS ALCOHOLISM HASN'T!

and i'm sitting here SCREAMING INTERNALLY, FUCK THOSE VOWS. 

YOU'VE GOT NEW, BETTER VOWS, WHICH ARE NEVER EVER LEAVE EACH OTHER'S SIDES EVER AGAIN, DAMN IT

wwx turns to face lwj

wwx: lan zhan, you truly deserve your title, hanguang jun

and lwj turns to look back at him

lwj: and you too, wei ying

we are BLESSED with wwx's wide, squinty-eyed smile

and lwj graces us with his soft, small, secret smile

they stare at each other for a moment before turning back to gaze off into the distance

the camera pulls back to gift us with the gorgeous scenery that surrounds them

now we cut to them walking down the steps towards that big rock full of ridiculous gusulan rules

nhs is there! with his fan!

nhs: this is unexpected. cloud recesses has added another thousand rules.

wwx: nhs, no matter how many rules are added, there is one that matters most. do you know what it is?

nhs looks so at ease here

this entire time since we got back to the present to watch wwx solve this mystery, nhs was nervous, twitchy and flaky in every scene

but here, he stands straight and serene with a confidence we have not yet seen on him til now

nhs: i have no clue

he says this and it doesn't sound anything like his usual anxious, dopey, "idk idk i really don't know"

nhs: please advise, wwx.

and wwx strides up until he's right next to nhs, shoulder to shoulder, tho they're facing opposite directions

wwx: that would be...

he leans down, and lowers his voice

wwx: "thou shall not befriend the devil"

there has been a distinct lack of background noise or music since this scene started

but the minute those words leave wwx's mouth, we get ominous music. 

nhs keeps his harmless act as he meets wwx's eyes and they share a laugh 

(a laugh of acknowledgement, of recognition of each other's skills)

nhs: wwx, you have the nerve 

wwx: no i wouldn't dare. i'm no match for you.

the words they're exchanging SOUND carefree and easy on the surface, but they definitely carry some underlying tension

nhs notices lwj watching them and bows respectfully

nhs: your excellency

he turns to leave, fan open against his chest

wwx: clan leader nie, i have one question that i would love to get your opinion on.

nhs: go on

wwx: you have put in so much effort and energy, don't you want to be the Excellency?

wwx is gauging nhs's threat level to lwj

bc with the skills nhs has developed and the cover he has, it really wouldn't be all that difficult for him to depose lwj if he wanted, you know?

but nhs has never been the ambitious sort

he was perfectly content with his art, and his fans, and his porn, and being second young master, nothing more (UNTIL FUCKING JGY RUINED IT ALL)

nhs: wwx, it was once said that we can never get tired of these scenes; earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea

nhs: as for me, i am a sensible man. if i have to, i always do it myself.

nhs: but for the things that aren't my business, i won't meddle in

and i'm not sure if there's something i'm missing, some layer of context or whatever, 

but what i get from this is that nhs is saying everything has its place and he has no desire to go outside of his own place in the world

if the situation calls for it, he will intervene but ONLY if there's no one else willing or able to step in

really, this is just his poetic way of saying, i have no interest in hurting hanguang jun or stealing his power

lwj walks up to join wwx as the two of them watch nhs leave

lwj: aren't you going to ask him?

wwx: ask him what?

wwx: who let mxy out? who released the blade spirit? who found sisi and bicao? and who wrote that anonymous letter?

and he gets this unconcerned expression on his face

with a little pout he just goes on to say that these questions don't matter anymore

and he walks off, twirling his flute

we cut to the next scene and our boys are standing face to face on a grassy hilltop. wwx points behind lwj

Brief aside to say, i love the robes lwj wears here, they’re very very pretty. White and pale blue, they look very airy and light

wwx: i will head that way

and lwj points with bichen behind wwx

lwj: i will head this way

AND THEN THEY JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A BIT

BC THEY DON'T REALLY WANNA SAY GOODBYE, DO THEY?

lwj: have you decided where you are going to go?

wwx shakes his head and tilts his chin up

wwx: it's a big world that we live in. i will wander with my fine wine and a ride, and make it my home

*cries softly* but you have a home, LWJ is your home, why are you leaving

lwj lowers his gaze

probs bc he is thinking the same thing i was

let lwj be your home, wwx

wwx: lan zhan, i will get going

and lwj gives him one single, barely there nod of the head

bc he doesn't want wwx to go!!!

but he doesn't want to hold him back either...

wwx walks past him with a smile, dragging lil apple along with him and cheerfully he says:

"as long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand and stars are above you, we will meet again."

and lwj just watches him leave before steeling himself to turn and walk off to his wwx-less future 

but as he walks, he hears wwx playing their song on his flute so he pauses to turn back slightly

and we hear wwx’s voice over, "lan zhan, next time we see each other, you better have a name for this song."

as lwj continues walking, we hear his voice over, "way ahead of you."

and he seems slightly less sad at their parting.

AND NOW WE'RE GETTING THE FUCKING VOCALS AGAIN BC THE SHOW JUST LOVES TEARING OUR HEARTS OUT OF OUR CHEST

we get a gorgeous shot of a green cliff side and of course the cliffside has a couple of pretty waterfalls

wwx standing alone, playing on his flute, and the camera is lovingly caressing all of wwx's best features

we get a beautiful close up of wwx's lips resting over the mouthpiece of his flute, aND I THANK EVERY DEITY IN EXISTENCE FOR IT

and it's not immediately apparent bc wwx always wears dark form fitting robes

but the robes he's wearing in this scene are DEFINITELY DIFFERENT from the ones he was wearing when he and lwj parted ways

MEANING SOME TIME HAS PASSED

we have no way of knowing how much time

COULD BE AN HOUR! COULD BE A DAY! COULD BE A COUPLE OF YEARS!!

WE JUST DON'T KNOW

but time has passed

wwx is playing ~Their Song~ alone on that hill, the vocals are like honey to the ears and they crescendo to give us an overwhelming swell of emotion

the music peeters off until it's just wwx's flute reaching the last notes of ~Their Song~

as he is finishing we hear lwj's voice

"Wei Ying."

wwx freezes, like he's wondering if he imagined that voice

the music is completely gone, everything is utterly silent and wwx's face is completely open as he lowers his flute

a smile starts to curl at his mouth, small and tentative and as he turns around, ~Their Song~ crescendos into existence again

and wwx's smile grows incredulous and relieved and SO FULL OF LOVE AND JOY

I DIE, I DIE!

MY BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE BOY

and we fade to black

bc that's where it ends

That's it

THAT'S ALL THERE IS, WE MADE IT TO THE END!

IT'S OVER, THERE'S NO MORE. MY LIFE NO LONGER HAS MEANING. OMG I JUST BURST INTO TEARS. WHY IS THIS AFFECTING ME SO MUCH

I KNEW THIS WAS COMING. I'VE SEEN THIS THREE OTHER TIMES ALREADY!! OH GOD OH GOD, I MISS WWX'S FACE ALREADY. GIVE ME BACK MY SUNSHINE BOY, LET ME KEEP HIM FOREVER *SOBS*

Hang on, hang on, just give me a minute. *deep breath* Okay, i’m good, i’m good now. 

This show is just...it’s so beautiful in every way except CGI lol and it evokes so many visceral feelings. It’s passionate, is what it is. And not in the sexual way “passionate” has been forced to become. This show is passionate the way passion is supposed to mean: piercing anguish, burning anger, utter devotion...just overwhelming feeling

But most importantly, the passion in this show is intense love:

Platonic love; see how much our main cast gave up to aid their friends and dependents

Familial love; look at the lengths those brothers and sisters went for each other

Romantic love; watch how these two soulmates returned to each other again and again regardless of all the obstacles between them

I honestly can’t think of another show that’s done this so well. I am just so grateful to have been able to watch this show, to have gotten to know these characters even tho it’s raised my standards for future shows to ridiculously high levels

So that’s it! We’ve reached the end of the guide! Now we can go back and re-visit our favorite scenes whenever we want!

Return to Masterpost

#WangXiantics #wangxian #the untamed #cql

[featherfur]

Since you're the resident Jiang Cheng expert in the fandom, how do you think Jiang Cheng would react to Jin Ling being gay and coming out to him?

I am certainly flattered but I am far from the resident Jiang Cheng expert, especially since my brain has more holes in it then Chenqing and it’s a flute. And I do tend to have a slightly more sympathetic view of JC and his treatment of the sect that is very colored by CQL (which isn’t a bad thing) so I don’t think I can be considered an expert unless I could avoid frankencanon lmao. ^-^

As for your question… I think he’d be irritated but not because of Jin Ling, just that it makes it that much harder for Jin Ling to survive as a sect leader. He wouldn’t want Jin Ling to be in a marriage like his grandparents (either of them) but it does make life a fucking pain.

Lets be honest, Jiang Cheng took his brother literally leading to his sister’s death before he reached a point of not being able to forgive him… and then proceeded to just let him run around with nothing more than a threat and demand he apologize to his parents. And Jin Ling is Jiang Cheng’s kid, I don’t think anything could happen that would ever make Jiang Cheng not love him. Even if Jin Ling said he hated him, Jiang Cheng would only be a call away.

So Jin Ling coming out as gay? Jiang Cheng’s annoyed but he loves his kid, but now he has to try and help him through this. Because Jin Ling isn’t the respectable and paragon of justice that Lan Wangji is seen to be, and he’s not the badass murderer that scares ppl off like Wei Wuxian. He was raised by Jin Guangyao who died leaving a HUGE mess behind him that now falls on Jin Ling and will cause any ‘mistakes’ (it’s a homophobic society it’s wrong to think otherwise) to be be seen as even worse and damning evidence of his incompetence. It’s the reason JL tries to get Jiang Cheng to let him suffer alone instead of taking a reputational hit by standing with Jin Ling in the extras.

Jin Ling will be expected to have a wife, have a biological child, and to lead his sect with a level of decorum that would make even Lan Xichen bitch about it. So being gay makes their life harder, but well? If his kid really wants to be with some guy, atleast the most irritating one is already married (*couch* Lan Wangji *cough*) so Jin Ling can only marry someone better. But Jiang Cheng still expects a grand wedding and a kid, adopted or with a concubine, because he isn’t dealing with watching the Jin’s tearing themselves apart trying to be heir. And well, Jiang Cheng does usually try and keep the status quo, and it says baby for heir.

But man YMJ is fucking weird so,,, he can’t really say anything. (Like WWX being ‘shixiong’ even though JC has been a ‘disciple’ of his father the sect leader longer, and being head disciple despite Yknow… not being the first disciple by a long shot? And being the scourge of Lotus farmers who rely on being paid off for their menacing). He’ll definitely bitch about whoever JL chooses because no one will ever be good enough for his a-Ling.

But at the end of the day, they’ll figure out everything and as long as Jin Ling is happy and safe I don’t see Jiang Cheng caring all that much.

#Danny answers #Jiang Cheng #Jin Ling #also for ppl acting like JC is a rampant homophobe #he a. lives in a society that is canonically horribly homophobic #and b. never actually gives a fuck?? he just gets annoyed it’s fucking LWJ #like other than that one seen of disgust (and seriously watching ur brother with ur enemy who wouldn’t) #he doesn’t? care?? #there’s a reason I see him as on the aroace spectrum #i don’t think the guy gives two fucks beyond his siblings happiness and that it’s not the most disrespectful asshat in the entire Lan sect #(and I say that very affectionately) #he’s not homophobic he’s Wangji-phobic

[scarletjedi]

Sangcheng Time Travel Fixit Outline Part 3: Rebuilding

Here it is, folks, the final installment! 

(Part 1) (Part 2)

Part III: Rebuilding

After the Banquet, everyone returns to their respective sects to rebuild, with plans to meet in Lanling in one month for the Mountain Hunt/Flower Banquet

Nie Huaisang sees this as a blatant political move/first step in an ultimate power grab. Jiang Cheng sees it as well, but mostly because he’s expecting it from Jin Guangshan. Huaisang also thinks it odd because, last time, the hunt was Jin Guangyao’s idea. Who is whispering in Jin Guangshan’s ear? He retreats to Qinghe and watches and waits

Jiang Cheng, meanwhile, is at loose ends.

He is *engaged* which is the first actually new thing to happen to him in years, at this point.

The war is over, he is as he remembers except Lotus Pier never burned down, so he doesn’t have to rebuild. (He’s earned the loyalty of the disciples in the war, that hasn’t changed, but they’re different disciples, more and less familiar. He does, however, convince his father to open recruiting to their sect – if nothing else, the war and actions of the Wen have left a lot of resentful energy. They’re going to need to cover more cases over greater distance or risk a second Burial Mounds

His parents are *alive* which is great, but even after their heart to heart (or maybe because of it) his father constantly looks surprised to see him and his mother sees far too much. They’re getting along better, but nothing like the couples Jiang Cheng knows who actually love each other.

Wei Wuxian is in Gusu, and his absence is perhaps the most familiar thing, for all that Jiang Cheng occasionally finds himself frustrated and looking for him in the places where he would hide to drink after the war. (and it hurts that it’s only now sinking in how wrong that was, and what kind of leader was he that his head disciple, his brother, was in so much pain and he didn’t see it)

Maybe he should get a hobby? He misses his dogs something fierce, but refuses to allow dogs on Lotus Pier.

I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS AS TO WHAT HIS HOBBY SHOULD BE. I’m sure Nie Huaisang also has some ideas

Jiang Yanli is in Lotus Pier, and Jiang Cheng is shameless about following her around. He missed out on 16 years of his sister, he’s not missing one more minute. Yanli thinks it’s pre-wedding jitters (for both of them). She’s not *entirely* wrong

Jiang Cheng ends up spilling the beans to his sister. He’s just so tired, and it *all* comes spilling out. Time travel, Lotus Pier in flames, the death of her and Zixuan, Wei Wuxian being the weapon pointed at them, raising Jin Ling, his core—and he *cries* and Yanli cries with him and when it’s over, they have soup

Yanli invites Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to lotus pier the next day, with the idea that they’d spend the time between now and the hunt with them and go back to Gusu after the hunt. She insists (and she’s right) that they all need to be with each other. And that Wei Wuxian needs to be told.

So, Jiang Cheng writes to Nie Huaisang, appraising him of the situation. Nie Huaisang is the mastermind, after all.

Nie Huaisang has about 3 days of painting/poetry/porn before he grows tried of it (and oh, the irony), and begins his study of the yin iron shard that Xue Yang left behind, beginning by recreating his notes, and what he can remember of Wei Wuxian’s (and what he knew of what Jin Guangyao kept in his treasure room)

Meng Yao finds out and tells Mingjue because some things should not be kept secret. He gets very angry – the war didn’t do his qi any favors.

Huaisang comes clean the way he only does with his brother and Jiang Cheng – as long as the Yin Iron is around, it will be coveted and we will end up with another Wen Rohan sooner or later

Meng Yao immediately realizes Nie Huaisang is talking about Jin Guangshan. “There are faster ways of solving that problem.” “I’m not letting you assassinate him, no matter how much he deserves it”

….WOULD THIS BE A GOOD PLACE FOR A VERSION OF FATAL JOURNEY?!? Only one that is less fatal.

Nie Mingjue proposes the sword castles to suppress the Yin Iron, that it could perhaps be used instead of corpses?

Nie Huaisang brings the shard with him, but of course it all goes wrong. They get separated from the disciples (and have their wonderful heart to heart – Nie Huaisang comes clean about doing this all before. Nie Mingjue comes clean about him and Lan Xichen considering propositioning Meng Yao) and have to fight off the sword spirits raised by the Yin Iron. Which they do, together, and escape. Nie Zonghui brings Nie Huaisang back to The Unclean Realm while Mingjue oversees the settling of the castle.

Nie Huaisang makes a crack about being glad they didn’t accidentally kill Sandu Sengshu’s fiancé

Nie Huaisang gets Jiang Cheng’s letter and confesses that Nie Mingjue now knows. It may be time to start letting people know, strategically. So yes, tell Wei Wuxian…but wait for me to start research!

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji arrive in Lotus Pier. Jiang Cheng tells all. Wei Wuxian hugs him so hard they both fall off the pier

Something fishy is happening. There are upticks in resentful activity that is ascribed to the fallout of a war involving the Yin Irons, but Nie Huaisang’s little birds smell something fishy. He begins to play closer attention to Jin Guangshan

Flower Mountain Hunt

No Wen prisoners this time, but Jin Zixun continues to make an ass of himself, natch

Riding in, Jiang Cheng makes DAMN sure that Nie Huaisang has flowers because they are courting and that is what one does (and Jiang Cheng has a habit of blurting out exactly what he thinks and it is at times incredibly romantic), and is *completely flustered* when Nie Huaisang beats him to it. He’s almost used to affection between them in private, but *was not prepared* for public courting when HE is the target.

Jiang Cheng refuses to look at Wangxian being themselves because of course they are. He’s mostly happy that he knows Jin Zixuan will be better behaved towards Yanli. He’s already told her he likes her, so no awkward confessions in the woods.

But, of course, Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang come across Wangxian rustling some bushes, and have to VERY LOUDLY delay Zixuan and Yanli until they emerge, sheepishly pulling twigs from their hair.

They advance as a group and come across Jin Zixun harassing Wen Ning, who was until then doing very well in the hunt (because he’s a damn good archer) but he doesn’t have his years as a fierce corpse to give him the backbone he needs to tell Zixun to take a hike.

This is one step of Jin Guangshan’s plan. He wants information on how to use the Yin Iron and is convinced that Wen Qing knows something, and if she knows, then Wen Ning might know something, too. So, the purpose of this is “what do you know?” with a combination of “tell your sister to cooperate”

Without The Yilling Patriarch, there are no impostors, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t demonic cultivators - people like Xue Yang but not him because I don’t like him so he’s dead. (Wait for it!) FUCKING SU SHE!! 

Jiang Cheng - “I thought he died in the war!” “He was supposed to...”

I know his focus is on transportation arrays, but he’s also desperate to prove himself and Jin Guangshan is *good* at exploiting weakness

So, we get a “demonic cultivator” who knows just enough to be dangerous because of what he doesn’t know and can’t do. 

Despite the interruption, Wen Ning ranks in the hunt, as does Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen.

During the banquet, Jin Zixun tries that “Drink with me” bullshit to “apologize” for his shitty behavior, and to celebrate Lan Xichen’s standing.

Jin Guangshan has seen the ways the others are closing ranks and instead of saying “I have an in through my son, and possibly my nephew if he had a personality transplant” he wants to gain leverage over them.

He straight up tries to marry Zixun to Wen Qing again, thinking it’s only a matter of time before the Yilling Wen are a major house again. Wen Qing will not have any of it, because Zixun is a) odious and b) mean to her brother. 

The date for Yanli’s wedding is announced, some two months hence.

Yanli is already pregnant, and Wen Qing notices (she’s the only one)

She’ll be around just 12 weeks when they marry, and while her due date gains her some serious side-eye from her mother, Zixuan is head over heels about the baby and is the softest father – but more on that later

There is a brief meeting to discuss the state of things. They plan to meet in Qinghe after the Banquet to compare notes and study the piece of Yin Iron to which Huaisang has access (the one in Gusu is still in the hands of Lan Qiren, who would not let them experiment, and there’s no way they can get to Lanling Jin’s artifact room.)

Nie Huaisang invites everyone to Qinghe for a night hunt

Everyone shows up like “okay, why are we really here” and are surprised when he says “no for real, a night hunt”

What are we hunting? “Xuanwu of Slaughter” the fuck you say?

Jin Zixuan mentions that his father is getting a bit too interested in the fact that Jin Zixuan is friends with the heirs to the main clans. Jin Zixuan tells him nothing except a very politely worded “fuck off” that Jin Guangshan doesn’t truly understand.

Jin Zixuan reunites with Meng Yao, and makes a formal offer of “brotherhood” 

Nie Huaisang tips Jin Zixuan off on Qin Su and Mo Xanyu, who is now a year or two old

Fighting the Xuanwu isn’t easy, but it’s easier with more people/weapons.

Wangji uses chord assassination but with the actual guqin and the help of zidian.

Wei Wuxian still goes inside the Xuanwu as bait, finding the sword.

Wen Ning uses arrows and Zixuan is rathter good with his sword, actually. Nie Huaisang fights with talismans and the occasional fan

The beast dies in 2 hours rather than 6.

“At least we didn’t have to swim for it this time.” “And I wasn’t left behind in Qishan”

They  take the sword back to Qinghe and begin their experiments in earnest. They are looking for a way to purify, destroy, or suppress the metal. Along the way, Wei Wuxian is gaining a clearer and clearer understanding of demonic cultivation.

“I have an idea, but it’s going to require huge amounts of resentful energy.” “You should go with Wen Ning to Yilling. There’s a place called the Burial Mounds” “Huaisang, no!” “Huaisang, yes!”

Before they go, Jiang Cheng reminds Wei Wuxian than he has to be happy, healthy, and whole for Yanli’s wedding. Wei Wuxian says not to worry, there’s a few things he wants to check in Gusu’s library before he tries anything

In Lotus Pier, wedding prep is in full swing, and Jiang Cheng throws himself into everything he can

It’s different than last time, last time Yanli did a lot of her prep in Lanling as Lotus Pier was still under construction

Her wedding will be perfect, damnit

True to his word, Wei Wuxian appears (sans Wangji) to escort Yanli to Lanling. For everything that’s been happening, Wei Wuxian is focused entirely on the wedding.

A-Jie’s wedding

It’s Jinlintai, so it's tacky as hell, but it’s also extravagant as hell.

Jiang Cheng weeps openly, and Nie Huaisang only mocks him a little before handing him a handkerchief. It’s odd, but so much better to have Wei Wuxian next to him, also weeping openly, but that’s Wangji’s problem.

Everyone (minus the wedded couple) end up in Jiang Cheng’s room after the wedding, and Jiang Cheng is able to ignore their absence only because of Jin Ling

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji leave for 9pm curfew (though Jiang Cheng is horrified to know that they won't be sleeping yet. He’s seen that look too many times to know differently), and one by one they all leave, leaving Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang alone for the first time in a while. Something they take full advantage of

The next morning they are woken by an alarmed Wen Qing - Wen Ning has gone Missing. They find him just over the border in Qinghe. (transportation array! Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng know IMMEDIATELY who it is - “WHY ISN’T HE DEAD?” “I don’t know!”) He’s very badly hurt, so they take him first to The Unclean Realm, bringing Wen Qing there to treat him. He’ll recover, but it will take time. Possibly, we’re looking at the return of Ghost General!Wen Qing. He was absolutely experimented on and left to die

The place they find him has been abandoned, but only recently. 

This puts Nie Mingjue and Wen Qing together, and she gets brought in on the whole “our method of cultivation makes us more susceptible to qi deviation” issue to offer medical advice, as an exchange for “allowing” Wen Ning to recover there

Like Nie Mingjue was going to kick out Nie Huaisang’s friend. Pssh. 

This is where Meng Yao approaches Wen Qing with a solution for her marriage issues (which might honestly boil down to “I’ve been in touch with my brother and he’s informed the ladies and I don’t think Jin Guangshan will be an issue any longer)

Jiang Cheng returns to Koi Tower to report to Jiang Yanli. She’s relieved that Wen Ning (and A-Qing, and when did they get so close??) are okay. She’s sad for Jiang Cheng that Nie Huaisang had to stay in Qinghe to host, as Nie Mingjue was still at Koi Tower, though he doesn’t stay long, ultimately.

Jiang Cheng returns with his parents to Lotus Pier, and is only mildly horrified to realize that his mother is beginning the preparations for HIS wedding almost immediately. Luckily, he’s able to put her off by telling her that Wen Ning was absolutely abducted by the Jin Sect. With Yilling Wen being a recognized house (and close neighbor to Yunmeng Jiang), Madame Yu is in favor of fostering good relations. She is (unfortunately) out of children, and Jiang Cheng only has to yell a little to remind her that he’s marrying Nie Huaisang and that *nobody* would be happy if he had to break his engagement to marry Wen Qing.

After his recovery, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji arrive to escort them to Yilling, where Wei Wuxian begins his task at the Burial Mounds. This puts him close enough that it makes *perfect* sense for Nie Huaisang to visit his fiancé in Lotus Pier (and assert that yes, *he* is going to marry Jiang Cheng. Wen Qing doesn’t even want to marry!)

This is the beginning of the end, everyone!

The Breakthrough

This happens “off-camera,” but basically, Wei Wuxian throws himself into the Burial Mounds, and with the help of Lan Wangji, learns how to manipulate resentful energies. With the background of his own (from another timeline) research, he’s able to stumble upon a more sustainable path very quickly.

I want it to have the side effect of purifying (at least in part) the burial mounds. It’s a form of suppression that, over time, purifies.

Absolutely, this is something that will also work on the saber spirit. This is a fix it, damnit

The End: SangCheng wedding

It all comes to a head at their wedding. It’s a natural end to both their romantic plotline (the shift from friends, to friends with benefits, to power couple, to terrifying husbands) and the other driving action (things only seem to happen near the great sects.) 

It’s a week of party, and everything goes down right before the wedding, like, the night before

Wen Ning was the test subject, and the Class of ‘84 is abducted (via talisman) to a secret location, the goal of which is to turn them into (non-zombie) puppets so that Jin Guangshan can control them. Thing more Manchurian Candidate than Renfield

This is, of course, a blatant parallel to the Guanyin Temple, where the major players are either brought back or subbed in. 

Jiang Cheng, Nie Mingjue, WN, Wei Wuxian, and Lan Wangji are all there, as is Su She

Jin Guangshan takes Jin Guangyao’s role, Jin Zixuan takes Lan Xichen’s place (I trusted you!) and Jiang Yanli takes Jin Ling’s place

Wen Qing and MianMian are also there, though they don’t have a direct parallel

I think Wen Ning still arrives, like, half way through and bursts down the door with Nie Mingjue, because that’s fucking poetry right there. (Lan Xichen should also get to have fun, and if they’re there, Meng Yao is there)

And if Meng Yao is there, then perhaps he should have a stab at Jin Guangshan. Though, I don’t think Jin Zixuan would like that

I think the most fitting end is that Jin Guangshan is subject to the weight of his own hubris. His cultivation is high, which helped to a certain extent, but this isn’t the sort of cultivation that can be brute-strengthed. Best case scenario, you have Wen Rohan. Worst case, you blow yourself up. I’m not sure if a Qi Deviation or literal explosion would be better here. 

They marry, and live happily ever after

Jiang Yanli might also announce that she’s pregnant...and Jiang Cheng might cry “HIS NAME IS JIN LING COURTESY RULAN AND HE’S A GODDAMN MESS BUT HE TRIES SO HARD I MISS HIM SO MUCH"

Well, that’s all she wrote, folks! I’m going to be writing bits and pieces of this, at least, and I’m more than willing to take suggestions! If there’s something you want to see written out, let me know!

#the untamed #sj writes the untamed #sangcheng #the great sangcheng time travel fix it fic project #fic update

[missholland]

Wei Wuxian

Something I realise from rewatching The Untamed (like, right after the first watch), the drama gives us 3 versions of Wei Wuxian over the 3 vital points of his life: the young and carefree disciple from Yunmeng Jiang Clan with a sunflower smile, the gloomy and resentful Yiling Patriarch whose soul almost completely consumed by the dark Yin Iron, and the calm and confident Wei Ying finally free from trust issues and emotionally secured from having his soulmate by his side.

I always think that Wei Wuxian has the similar personality with Linghu Chong in The Smiling, Proud Wanderer, and shares the tragic fate filled with misunderstandings as of Qiao Feng in Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils. Wuxian and Linghu are free-spirited extroverts with a massive love for their liquor. Both are adopted and educated in highly respected sect/clan, but end up picking up unorthodox methods and go against the mainstream clans. While Qiao Feng was framed to crimes he did not commit and had a proper confrontation showdown with everyone on Shaolin Monastery, Wei Wuxian was deem Yiling Patriarch for pursuing demonic path and waited 16 years to finally clear his name in front of all main clans at Burial Mounds and later Guanyin Temple. This makes me personally invested in the character/drama in general, as the inspiration was briefly taken from 2 of the best protagonists in Jin Yong wuxia universe.

Jiang Clan’s Wei Wuxian obeys to no regulation, and pretty much does things as he may. He’s enthusiastically sworn to protect the weak with a clear conscience, not fully aware how much it cost him later on in life. That brings us to the PTSD Wei Wuxian who defected from his own clan, went against the cultivator world, as well as broke his own promise of sticking by his adopt brother and sister forever - all for protecting (and partly returning the favor of) the defenceless members of the evil Wen clan. The whole journey of him getting there from mastering dark methods to being an absolute loose canon in Jiang clan, causing huge headache for the young clan leader Jiang Cheng. I’m not Jiang Cheng’s biggest fan, but honestly, I would probably lose my shits too if I had to tolerate a not-so-great team player like this version of Wei Wuxian. The downfall of their relationship comes from both of their insane pride - one who is not willing to share his hardship and seek help, and one who prioritises his can’s reputation over his brother. Destructive Wei Wuxian’s pride also creates issue with his lifelong soulmate Lan Wangji. This is why I find the middle episodes of the series - 20 to 32 - so flipping hard to watch, considering how Wei Wuxian was indirectly hurting his loved ones (especially Wangji) and how it would eventually lead to his death.

Then again, that’s what makes episode 32-33 so fucking awesome. It gave me SO MANY FEELINGS - anger, sorrow, frustration, pain, HUGE PAIN - possibly what Wei Wuxian went through himself the whole time standing against 3000 cultivators at Nightless City. His loneliness without having a single person believing in him while defending himself through the whole crying laugh was heartbreaking. This stuck with me until episode 44-45 where Wei Wuxian, in the exact same position of speaking up for himself, does not lose his shit and can talk senses with the judgy cultivators in Burial Mounds until his name is clear. How? Because at that time, Lan Wangji was by his side and he literally had NO fear - he said it himself before the two departed Gusu for Yiling. The feeling of knowing someone wholeheartedly believe in you, sticking by your side no matter what is the greatest power that Wei Wuxian was given with his second chance. This reflects Lan Wangji’s greatest regret, as he could have helped Wei Wuxian clear his name since 16 years ago if he stood by him on that fateful night in Nightless City.

I LOVE the resurrected Wei Wuxian, now no longer has a poor temperament under Yin Iron’s influence. That Wei Wuxian has been through A FUCKING LOT. But unlike PTSD Wei Wuxian who made a series of bad decisions and lived on edge every single day, he is even able to take some of his wit back and crack jokes again. Sure, the first few days were a bit rough with the nightmares and the hiding. But as soon as he’s back with Lan Wangji, everything feels RIGHT again. No, he can’t go back to how he used to be, but it makes my heart dance seeing the reflection of the young and fun Wei Wuxian again. Wei Wuxian is a true extrovert in the sense of feeding energy from other people. He sees a lot of good in others, even in the members of the evil Wen clan, and trusts them. In return, he’s the most empowered and confident when he has the love and trust from the others, especially from Lan Wangji.

I enjoy watching the conflict inside Wei Wuxian, and am so happy he’s a pretty gray character rather than being just another righteous moral compass. Although I don’t name his as my favourite character in The Untamed (he sort of was during my first watch, but no longer the case after my 4th watch LOL), he’s the heart of the show and has such an incredibly compelling arc that makes you care SO MUCH. You find yourself fully rooting for him and wish all the sufferings would stop so he can take an actual break. Man, thinking of all the shits this guy has gone through in TWO LIVES.

I’ve always been pretty public with how obsessed I am with Wei Wuxian’s beauty. Of course, this is mostly because of Xiao Zhan’s natural glamour but hats off to the make-up and costume design team. They turn Xiao Zhan’s conventional good look into an exceptionally gorgeous Wei Wuxian that pretty much outshine Lan Xichen - who supposed to be like the hottest guy in The Untamed universe. Xiao Zhan’s Wei Wuxian, with his signature smiling eyes, is so captivating in every damn angle. This guy even manages to look cuter than a bunny when being put in the same frame. His delicate and feminine features are absolutely perfect for portraying a historical fictional character. But his charisma is truly second to none, and considering how many Chinese dramas I’ve seen since I can remember, no other character has even come close to his level. Xiao Zhan’s Wei Wuxian makes me properly SWOON just by seeing him on TV, and puts my heart on a treadmill because I cannot possibly handle his out-of-this-world beauty, the kind that comes out from a painting or you can actually call a real life masterpiece.

#wei wuxain #lan wangji #wei ying #lan zhan #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #xiao zhan #wang yibo #chen qing ling #character analysis #thoughts #yiling patriarch #yiling laozu #yunmeng jiang #gusu lan

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry XXIII. Locura Transitoria

Preview: 

“You’re closer.”

“What?”

“You’re right on the other side. You were standing farther away before.”

Yes, I am. I hate it but he’s like a magnet. I shut my eyes and press my fingers against them. My chest is tightening and I don’t know why the hell it is so hard to be this close and this far away from him or to let this all thing go. What I’ve always hated the most is not knowing.

I remember when I started watching Dark, a fucking hard-to-understand German tv show, and I would even have nightmares. Not understanding brings me a lot of anxiety. I like to know why things happen, to fully grasp the essence of things, but with Harry I can’t seem to do that. I don’t know why it’s so easy for him to crash my heart with his bare hands.

Had it been any other person, I would have just ignored them without a second thought. I’d be now watching a movie on my bed and they would get bored and leave but seeing Harry like this, or hearing him like this, it’s breaking my heart and I hate it. He deserves to feel like this but I don’t like seeing it.

He's not saying anything and a sudden panic takes the best of me. What if he gets bored? What if he doesn’t harass me anymore like I said he’s doing? This is bad, this is nearly toxic but damn it, I don’t want him to pull away.

“Indie…”

Don’t call me that.  

“Indie, don’t hate me.”

^^^^Every other part, can be found here 

BLUE’S POV

I let the water run a little too long before I fully wake up and close the tap. I get the toothbrush on my mouth and set my eyes on the white marble of my old bathroom. I was planning on going back home earlier after my nightmare because the entire day was off after that. I think Jason thought I was sad about Harry and if I thought about him, I was sad about that too but it was a different kind of sad.

This house is suffocating me. Every memory that it brings, everything I haven’t had the heart yet to face, everything that I try so hard to supress like a dam holding a river back is clouding over my head and pulling me down and I feel like I need to get away from here before all this shit wins.

But Dad did have the surgery. We did not have time to even go to the hospital and talk to the doctors about what Harry and professor Gibbins had said. The very same night I talked to them, I told Dad about it and we agreed we’d go to the hospital in the morning and I would talk to his doctor myself but when I woke up he told me he had gotten a call from the hospital and he had the surgery the following day.

I had no idea Harry or doctor Gibbins had that much to say at Capitol Hospital but I would have to be stupid not to know some calls must have been made. I texted doctor Gibbins a thank you note and ask him to pass it on to Harry, which I guess it’s childish but I can’t believe he would use my dad’s health issue to win my forgiveness over.

Also, I don’t know why it feels so wrong to think about Harry now. It gets harder to breathe and I look at myself in the mirror. I stare into the eyes of the brunette girl that stares at me but it’s hard to see me in her. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I know who I used to be. I know who I was when I was Dylan and I know who I was after that but… It’s just too painful to say that I liked this other girl better.

It’s annoying and unfair and probably unhealthy to think that a man can have such an impact. I hate to think that I’m someone different now than I was the last time I was here thanks to a man and it’s even more painful because that man is going to ruin his life just like Dylan did.

I spit the toothpaste and wash my mouth and my face when I realize I’m crying. If only I could just talk to Dylan once. Fuck, how I wish that he would just come down this once so I could talk to him about all of this. I’m sure he’d know what to say and he’d call me Indie again. But I’d never hear him saying that ever again.

I close the tap again and walk out of the bathroom bumping into Jason as soon as I walk outside.

“Hey there.” Jason smiles. “How are you today?”

“I’m good.” I lie. “I feel so bad that we ruin your Christmas. I mean, aortic dissection, girls crying on your shoulder, having nightmares by your side…”

“It’s cheaper than the movies.” He jokes and I chuckle. “And seriously I’m just glad I’m here to be with you.”

“With me or with Rio?”

“Rio is a bonus. I won’t deny that.”

I chuckle and make my way towards my room to get ready. We’re leaving today for Coco needs to be in Grad for some group project she needs to present right after Christmas.

Rio really liked Jason too. Granted, they already knew each other but I think this week sharing roof has brought them closer together. Rio tried to convince me that Jason was a good guy because, even though he was insisting on how good he was at sensing this kind of things, he apparently was so sure JJ actually liked me. I almost tell him Jason would have him over me any day, but it’s not my place to say something like that, of course.

I fold my clothes on my bed before I put them inside my suitcase and give a smile to Coco as she makes her way inside my room.

“Jason and I saw Elena yesterday.” Coco smiles.

Elena is the lady of the book store in town. Coco and I didn’t really went to town before I met Dylan but after that, we were kind of done with going downtown and we started loving just staying in the suburbs. It was very cosy and people were really nice.

“She asked me about you.”

I give my sister a smile but look back at my clothes. She took Jason to town yesterday to show him around while I was at the hospital with my Dad. I’ve always gone to town a bunch of times after Dylan passed away because everything reminds me of him there and it’s just almost impossible for me to walk down the streets without seeing him sitting on some café or coming out of show with his football jersey. A bunch of times are one too many.

“How is she?”

“She’s good, very old though.” Coco’s eyes widen and I laugh. “Everything is just the same.”

Which only makes it worse for me. Or maybe not. I like to think that our town in Capitol is not going to change because in a way it feels like it’s respecting Dylan. Like time is going to pass for everybody but our town and me, we’re always gonna be what we were for him. That kind of keeps him alive in a way.

“There’s…” Coco stops and when I look at her, I can see she’s considering whether she can tell me this or not. “Amalia’s got blueberry muffins called Indie Blue.”

I take a deep breath. I didn’t get to talk to Dylan’s mum. I just couldn’t bring myself to. I dialled her number a dozen of times but never actually pressed the call button. I guess I was running before myself when I thought I could do it. And anyway, it’s been a crazy week as it is.

“Did you go in?”

Coco nods and holds my gaze with an understanding one.

“She was very happy to see us and send her greetings. I told her you’ve been meaning to chat with her and she understands.”

“She always does.”

Coco nods.

“Anyway” her tone lightens up and she claps her hands together “I just came over to check if you were ready to leave and to tell you I’ve thought about stopping at the hospital before we actually leave so we can say bye to Dad.”

“Right, yeah, I was counting on that.”

“Sure.” She smiles. “Gonna go get JJ.”

“Cool.”

I keep my charger and my headphones on my bag and leave my old copy of To Kill a Mockingbird on my shelf. I know that book by heart but never get tired of Scout’s mind. Grabbing my phone, I see I have some other texts from Harry and start to feel a little guilty for ignoring him but still don’t answer. I still have some more important matters at hand. I dial Amalia’s phone number again but instead of calling, I decide a text would do for now.

To Amalia:

Hi, this is Indie. My sister told me about the Indie Blue muffins and about the greetings, thank you. I’ve been meaning to call you all week, maybe we could see each other and catch up over an Indie Blue muffin next time I’m in Capitol?

I’m very sorry I didn’t pass by the café, I’m not pretty good at coming back home, I guess… But anyway, it’s always nice to hear from you. I hope you and Robert are fine.

Lots of love, Indie. X

Harry: It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, but I was just wondering how your dad’s doing.

Harry: Also you. How are you?

Harry: I can’t wait to see you.

Harry: If you ever want to.

Not answering him is childish and stupid but I just don’t know what to do about him yet and I need to at least have a clue if I want to answer for I need to know if I wanna be all blunt or rather forgiving so instead I just keep my phone in my bag and make my way downstairs.

“Okay, everyone’s ready?” Coco’s at the door and has got the car keys on her hand.

I nod and follow JJ outside and towards the car. We talk about how we’re gonna miss Dad’s baking back in Grad and Jason says he’s gonna miss Dad’s best culinary work, Rio, more than anything else.

“How great would it be that Rio was gay?” He wishes as Coco pulls over at the hospital parking lot.

“He’s not.” I remind him.

“But how great would it be? Not even gay, just bisexual. I’m happy with bisexual.”

“I don’t think he’s bisexual either.”

“Aren’t we all though?” He raises his eyebrows and gives me a look.

“I really don’t think so.” Coco laughs.

“Oh, you just haven’t opened that door yet, baby.”

He makes a point at opening the door of the car and then when his feet are on the pavement, he turns his body back so his head is inside the car and both Coco and I stop our movement to watch him.  

“But let me tell you- that road is only one way; there’s no going back.”  

“You sound like a sect leader.”

I open the door and get outside and would have heard Coco’s laughter if she made any sound.

“I’m pretty sure that’s highly homophobic.”

“Barely.” I shake my head.

The three of us walk inside the hospital with the promise of mentioning nothing to Rio. Jason’s crazy if he thinks either Coco or I would do that but we still have to swear it. Rio’s dark eyebrows raise on his forehead when he sees us walking towards Dad’s room.

“Hey, sisters.”

“You didn’t think we were going to leave without saying goodbye to old papa, right?”

“I was indeed. Lost a bet though. Dad said you’d come say bye.”

Coco wiggles her eyebrows at him before the two of us walk inside the room. Claiming to give us some privacy with Dad, JJ stays outside talking to our brother and I just roll my eyes at him.

“Do you think Rio hasn’t noticed?”

“He talked to me a couple of nights ago and thought he was revealing a top secret when he said he was pretty sure Jason was into me.”

Coco starts laughing hysterically and my dad smiles at both of us.

“How great would it be if Rio was gay though?”

Both Coco and I look at my dad with eyes wide opened before we look at each other and laugh.

“There are too many women in the Andersons.” Dad jokes.

“You love us.”

“Like crazy.” He smiles.

“How are you? How are the stitches?”

“I’m fine and the stitches are too. Rio and I have been making up stories for my scar. I think I’m gonna tell I was scuba diving and a manta ray cut through my chest with its sting.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ll be dead if that was the case.” I break up to him and he just rolls his eyes.

“I’m gonna miss you, birds.”

“We’re gonna miss you too, Dad.”

Coco lies on his bed and carefully rests her head on his arm and my dad gives me a loving smile, much like the ones he used to give me when I was little and Rio and I had fought.

“Are you gonna talk to Harry?”

“Who even told you his name?” I frowned.

Coco chuckles but shrugs and I know I can trust her.

“Your mum did.”

“What? That woman!”

“She feels like she has to. You guys live with her so I miss out on a lot. I tell her about Rio’s dates too.”

“You guys are the nosiest divorced parents I have ever seen.”

He smirks and shrugs.

“I know my opinion doesn’t really count-”

“Of course it counts.” I interrupt him. “It always has.”

“I’m a very wise man, that’s true.” He nods, agreeing with me. “But I don’t know what happened with the guy and if he’s not respecting you he should be in prison but your mum says you were happy.” He shrugs. “And I want you to be happy. Anyway, it’s your call. I trust you, Berry.”

“He’s no one.” I shake my head. “I still love Dylan.”

“No one’s doubting that.” My dad frowns. “But you’ll always love Dylan. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be alone forever, Berry.”

Then what does it mean? I frown and take a deep breath and then my Dad starts giving love advises to Coco too. I think the painkillers are turning him into a mushy version of Hitch.

We say our goodbye after some more love power speech on his part and then Jason walks in to say goodbye and thank my Dad for his hospitality even despite his illness. My friend promises he’ll be back on his way out and after hugging Rio, the three of us make our way back to the car.  

             Mum’s on the kitchen when Coco and I get back. She only went to Spain for five days this time. Over some homemade biscuits, we tell her pretty much everything about our week with dad, saving the bits about the love advises for Coco even though we’re not fully trusting Dad either on keeping Guido a secret from Mum.

I don’t realize the time that passes by until Mum gets a call and Coco runs upstairs.

“There’s something for you on your desk.” Mum says walking outside of the kitchen with her phone already against her ear. “A very handsome, very regretful delivery man brought it over.”

My jaw clenches. Oh, no, no, no. I basically run upstairs to my room. Huffing and puffing, I reach my desk and open the cardboard box on it. They are notes and books and manuals about Medicine. There’s Paediatric Psychiatry, Preventive Care, Forensics, Cardiology, Abdominal Surgery, Emergency…

Still with the books on my hand and after having taken some deep breaths, I dial Harry’s number. He picks up on the first tone.

“Hi.”

“Did you come over to my house while I was away?”

He doesn’t say anything and I can’t hear any background noise. He must be in the library or alone in his room. Maybe he’s peacefully smoking weed.

“I wanted to leave the notes on your porch but your mum saw me and opened the door for me.”

“And you just came in inside?”

“It would have been rude not to.”

“You could have told her that you smoke weed. I guarantee she would have not invited you in then.”

He sighs on the other end.

“Why did you anyway? I didn’t even ask you for these stupid notes.”

“I knew it’d get you mad.”

“And why in the world would you want to get me mad?”

“So you would talk to me.”

And it worked. I take a deep breath and relax my own hand. I hadn’t realized it was on a fist but Harry seems to have develop a new talent at making me furious. And I’m furious because he’s already softening me. His voice doesn’t sound teasing or amused but desperate and that’s turning me into a weak mushy teddy bear. This manipulative behaviour is not what I signed up for.

“You can come pick them up. I’ll leave them on the door.”

My mum tries to stop me as I struggle with the fucking heavy box downstairs but I just warn both her and Coco that no one is opening the door for Harry in this household. Coco nods and Mum frowns but before she can ask me and I can scold her for telling dad, Coco takes her to the kitchen with the promise that she would explain. I don’t care what she tells her anymore.

Not twenty minutes later though, they’re calling for me downstairs. They’re going Christmas shopping. I’d have to get paid, lots of money, to go out in this winter weather and get inside a crowded store with capitalist people buying things they don’t need for people they don’t love.

When have I turned into the Grinch?

The bell rings. I feel like a crazy person, sitting on the last steps of our staircase and staring at the door. But I don’t move at all. The bell rings again and through the silence of my empty house, I hear Harry cursing on the other side of the door at my lack of response.

“Indie, please, I made it all the way here. Can you please just open the door?”

I don’t move, I don’t make a sound. I think he’ll finally think I’m not home if I don’t answer. But then my phone rings and it’s not on silence mode and fuck my plan.

“Come on, Indie. Don’t act like a baby.”

“You’re the one who keeps harassing me.”

I stand up and walk closer to the closed door.

“I just want us to talk like adults.”

“You’re more like a teenager.”

I hear him sigh through the door and only then realize how close I am standing now.

“About that. I want to talk about that, baby. Come on, open the door.”

“How many times did you come over to my house?”

“Two.” He confesses. See the problem is, I don’t know whether I can believe him now. “I came over the first day I texted you so we could talk but you weren’t home and then I came over to give you the notes. I’m not taking them back with me, just so you know. They’re for you.”

“I don’t want them.” I fight. “And how did you know I was with my dad?”

Seconds of silence pass and I’m afraid he’s just grown tired and left. I tiptoe to the door and hold my breath as I look through the peephole. I can only see half of his chest, his right shoulder and a tangled mess of curls as he looks down at his feet. God, I’ve missed him.

“Adam told me.”

I feel the anger claiming its place back on my body. My throat tightens and my fists clench again. I can’t believe him. He’s as nosy as Harry is and the worst thing is, he’s learnt this from Marie. I want to tell her, that he might have been fucking using her like a source of info, playing the journalist with her, and I want to know everything she’s told him too.

“What is he, your secret agent? I can’t believe you would threaten me and Marie and it was just because you thought we were as low as you two. How can you be so cruel?”

“Adam likes Marie.” He stops me there. “Don’t call that into question because of me. I’ll admit I’ve taken advantage of it but don’t throw Adam into this.”

“Is that why he texted her? So you could know my whereabouts?”

“No, of course not! He was dying to talk to her. I just encouraged him to do so a little.”

“And you dare to try to take credit? You’re a maniac.”

“Can you just open the door, Indie? This is ridiculous.” He sounds tired.

“What in the world makes you think I want to listen to anything it is you think you have to say?”

His silence proves me right. He doesn’t know how to answer that because there is no reason for me to listen to him. Even if the base of our relationship was just sexual, he’s always claimed not to lie so he should have told me, especially after learning about Dylan, that he had a car accident too. I am not quite sure why that would change things, I don’t even think it would have, but it’s the fucking lie. I feel like he was just making fun of me while fucking me when he felt like it.

Plus, the weed. It’s plain painful to try to decipher out of all the times we’ve been together when he was high and when he wasn’t.

I get it then. That time he came looking for me to the club and I thought he was suffering an anxiety attack. I rest my back against the door. It wasn’t anxiety, it was drugs, or the lack of them.

“You’re closer.”

“What?”

“You’re right on the other side. You were standing farther away before.”

Yes, I am. I hate it but he’s like a magnet. I shut my eyes and press my fingers against them. My chest is tightening and I don’t know why the hell it is so hard to be this close and this far away from him or to let this all thing go. What I’ve always hated the most is not knowing.

I remember when I started watching Dark, a fucking hard-to-understand German tv show, and I would even have nightmares. Not understanding brings me a lot of anxiety. I like to know why things happen, to fully grasp the essence of things, but with Harry I can’t seem to do that. I don’t know why it’s so easy for him to crash my heart with his bare hands.

Had it been any other person, I would have just ignored them without a second thought. I’d be now watching a movie on my bed and they would get bored and leave but seeing Harry like this, or hearing him like this, it’s breaking my heart and I hate it. He deserves to feel like this but I don’t like seeing it.

He's not saying anything and a sudden panic takes the best of me. What if he gets bored? What if he doesn’t harass me anymore like I said he’s doing? This is bad, this is nearly toxic but damn it, I don’t want him to pull away.

“Indie…”

Don’t call me that.  

“Indie, don’t hate me.”

A single tear rolls down my cheek. I feel like I’m choking but this time it’s not because I don’t understand. This time it’s fear. It’s fear because I know perfectly well what I’m feeling.

My phone rings again but I still rest my back against the door. For all I know it might be him too. It rings again.

“Stop calling me.” I whisper.

“It’s not me.”

My dad. I all but jump from the door and climb the stairs like a mad woman. When I get there, I see Marie’s name on the screen though. I pick up still puffing.

“Hi.”

“Eh… Hi! Are you… Were you busy?”

“No” I decide “I just came running upstairs. I thought it could be my dad.”

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry about that. How is he, by the way?”

“He’s fine. Rio’s taking good care of him.”

“Nice. You know you can talk to any of us if you need anything.”

“Yes, I know. Thank you. Anyway, what’s up?”

“Uh, not much.” I can hear her smile through the phone. “I just missed you, really and… Adam’s over for tea so I was just wondering if you’d like to join us and have a cuppa or something so we could catch up. Ollie’s still in France so the house is a little lonely.”

I stay quiet for a while but then I shut my eyes and agree to go. I can feel my social anxiety making its way back to me and I can’t let it win. It’s okay to force yourself to go out sometime, I can almost hear doctor Mackenzie talking in my head, but remember ´normal´ is just statistics.

I make my way downstairs but Harry’s gone. I open the door anyway, stupidly hoping he’s sitting down on the swing Coco insisted on setting on the porch. She said our chances of finding a Noah of our own were bigger if we had a swing on the porch.

He’s nowhere to be found but the cardboard box with his notes is still where I left it. I take it inside, with this cold humid weather I’m sure the sheets would bend and I hate when that happens.

I play with my phone between my hands. Should I text him? No, I shouldn’t. I came so far as not opening the door for him, why would I text him now? To say what? He’s not texting me either. I hope nothing’s wrong. What do I mean I hope nothing’s wrong? Everything is wrong! He lied to me and then he took advantage of my friend to learn my whereabouts when I clearly did not want him to know them.

Even the hall already smells like cinnamon and chocolate when she opens the door. She wears a grey woollen dress and her legs are covered under black and white polka dots tights. Her hair is up on a bun that makes her look like some sort of sugar fairy.  

“I love your outfit.” I tell her.

“Thank you. I can get carried away at Christmas, everyone’s too happy to criticize you.”

I roll my eyes and chuckle.

“I wish you wouldn’t care about other people’s opinion during other times of the year too.”

She stares into my eyes and smiles.

“One step at a time, Indie.”

I snort a laugh and walk inside as she moves aside. Michael Bublé’s Christmas playlist wraps around us and I entertain my eyes with the little Christmas decorations she’s set on the apartment. It’s no more than an stuffed Elf, a teddy of Winnie The Pooh dressed up as Santa and some Christmas balls and lights on the house plant they have on their living room.

“Hey there, Indie.” Adams gives me an apologetic smile.

Did Harry already told him I know that he was the one feeding him my personal info? Why do the two of them act like mean girls? I decide, for Marie’s sake, not to give him a hard time over this. He’s Harry’s friend and he chose his side. I can respect that. I just won’t trust him but hey, he got himself there.

“Hi, Adam. How are you?”

“I’m good, thank you.” He grins. “How are you?”

“Good.” Been better.

“Santa left something for you under the tree.” Marie’s voice ends the small talk.

I roll my eyes before I see it. There’s a little something wrapped on Christmas themed paper right on the ficus pot. I give her a reprimanding look but she just shrugs and smiles.

“He didn’t have to.”

I bend over to pick it up and open it effortlessly. She’s terrible at wrapping shit. It’s a red lipstick from Dior.

“It literally costed him nothing.” She defends herself.

“Thank you.”

She smiles and has a sip of her hot chocolate and I keep the lipstick on my bag before I take a seat on the living room table. There are homemade cinnamon rolls and cookies on it and Adam just placed a cup of hot chocolate before me.

“Thank you.”

He nods and takes a seat himself, leaving Marie the chair next to me. We talk about my Dad and about their Christmas and I find myself laughing along with Adam quite a lot. His sense of humour reminds of Harry’s and I feel a flash of pain on my chest when I imagine how this evening snack would go if he was here. I wonder whether he’d share about his Christmas dinner with us too or whether he would just stay quiet and mess with us.

I see Adam standing up from the table and walking towards the kitchen, bringing his phone to his ear and then I get out of a trance I didn’t know I was in.

“Are you okay, Indie?”

“Yes.” I nod. “Yes, I was just… Out of it… For some reason.”

A few seconds of silence follow and I can hear Adam’s muffled voice as he calmly speaks on the phone in the kitchen. His voice is very deep too, even though it’s not as calming as Harry’s.

“Are we okay?”  

I frown staring at her.

“Of course, why wouldn’t we be?”

She shrugs.

“I don’t know… I’ve been stressing myself out a little, to be honest.”

“What about?”

“Well… You know after what happened with Harry and all that… I’ve been texting Adam and… We went on a date a couple days ago… I was just wondering… I mean if that makes you uncomfortable, I can stop seeing him.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, he’s Harry’s friend and I met him through you.” She shrugs. “Plus, I don’t know whether I can really trust him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Harry did lie to you. Why would he be different? Maybe he does drugs too and I don’t want that in my life.”

I sigh.

“I can find out.” I shrug. “Or better, you could. Ask him.”

Her brown eyes set into mine. I don’t like this. I don’t want Marie to throw this away because of me and I don’t want to be weak enough so that my friends have to be careful with their own relationships so as not to hurt me. I am not like that. Have I seriously become so selfish?

“Adam seems like a nice guy, Marie.” I shrug. I reckon this is the time to tell her. “Although… Harry confessed to me that he had known I was at my Dad’s through Adam.”

“I know.” She looks remorseful. “Adam told me.”

I feel made fun of all over again.

“I… We were on the phone and we ended up talking about Harry and you and… He talked to me about Harry, like pretty real shit, so I trusted him that I could do the same. He asked me whether he could tell Harry you were at your Dad’s.”

“And you said yes?”

Now, I wasn’t expecting this. I feel like I want to cry. It’s three on one?

“Jason said you were pretty sad.”

“I wasn’t.”

“I think you still are, Indie.”

“I am not.”

Marie stays quiet. She looks down at the cookie plate and I know she’s waiting for me to calm down. Sometimes she acts like a teacher, like one of those who just stand still in complete silence before a messy class until the students keep quiet on their own. I look away from her.

“Before you called, he was at my place.” I tell her. “Did you know that already?”  

She shakes her head. She’s probably the last person I should talk about this with but she’s also the only one who’s here now. It’s weird how I feel- just because he did what I asked him to I feel like he’s given up on us. On us? It might be for the best because it was absurd, we wouldn’t have gotten around the corner, but… I guess part of me doesn’t want him to let go.

“I mean I didn’t let him in. I didn’t want to see him.” I lie. “But then he left and I didn’t want him to go.”

Marie frowns.

“Did you want him to just stay out there freezing?”

I shake my head.

“I don’t know what I want, Marie.”

She sighs.

“Oh, God. Do you like him? And by that I mean, do you have feelings for him?”

I sigh but stay quiet.

“You’re not in love with him, are you?” Her brown eyes widen.

“No!”

Only her could have gotten there. I am sad because I feel used and lied to and made fun of, not because I love him. She raises her eyebrows as if she was not convinced.

“You did see each other a lot… Like lovers…”

I munch on my cookie, thinking.

“Well, we sort of were, weren’t we?”

Her eyes widen and her eyebrows raise on her forehead as she stares into my thoughtful ones.

“A lover is someone who loves” She shrugs. “just like a singer is someone who sings.”

“That’s one definition…”

“What’s the other?”

I sigh. What is the other? What was Harry to me? Definitely not someone I loved…

“Well then we weren’t lovers.” I shake my head. “We were… We were…”

“Friends with benefits.” She offers.

Not quite.

“We were not really friends either…”

She smiles despite her furrowed lips and steals the other half of my cookie from my hand. I give her a begging gaze. I feel like I’m on therapy.

“Complicated, huh? I think it’s normal that you don’t want him to stop chasing you though.”

“Really?”

“Yes, we all like to be chased every now and then.” She smiles.

“You talked about this with Ollie and Jason, didn’t you?” I accuse.

She smiles and shrugs. I chuckle but don’t ask to know what they said.

“What did Adam tell you about Harry?”

“What he wants to tell you himself.”

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“I think you should let him tell you himself.”

“And what did you tell Adam about me? I think that I have the right to know.”

“I don’t have the right to tell your story, of course, but I explained to him why it was so terrible to you that Harry was high that night.”

I hide my face between my hands and grunt. I don’t want to keep doing this; talking about Harry, thinking about Dylan… It’s like nobody dares to say his name out loud and it feels terrible to think people have just gone on with their lives as if Dylan did never die, as if it was okay a world without him. I swallow and take a deep breath before I look back at Marie.

“You can tell him what you want to. I’m not ashamed of him.”

She frowns and her jaw clenches. At least she seems to be offended at my accusation.

“Neither am I. The reason I didn’t tell him was not embarrassment, Indie. I just felt like I would have been telling something you should have, if you ever wanted to.”

I hold her gaze and I decide to believe her when she doesn’t look away. Then I sigh again, because that’s all I seem to know how to do now and cover her hand with mine over the table.

“You can go out with whoever the fuck you want, Marie. Even if it was Harry himself, I wouldn’t have any right to tell you not to.”

“I would never go out with Harry.” She horrifies and I chuckle.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend.” We both laugh. “You’re smarter than that… But, seriously, I’m happy you’re happy and if Adam means happy then… He’s welcome to stay around as long as you want him to.”

As if on cue, he appears through the door but stands still looking at us with blue eyes wide opened.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“No, we were just talking shit about you.” I joke.

He laughs and nods.

“Then nothing new.”

Marie’s grinning at him as he sits back down next to her. I imagine they did these cookies together. I imagine them baking, Adam getting Marie’s nose covered in flour, my friend giggling and pretending to be pissed at him. When he notices he’s being watched, he places his hand on her knee and she all but melts.

Marie’s phone rings and this time it’s her who gets up from the table.

“It’s Ollie.” She explains.

Bringing the phone to her ear, she walks towards her room. It seems to me that this is a set up. First, they call Adam so Marie and I could have a conversation and now they call her and I feel like he’s going to take advantage of it and ask me shit about her now.

“So how is your dad?”

“He’s fine but you already know that.”

“What?” He frowns.

I shake my head and look away, having a sip from my hot chocolate and expecting him to get I do not particularly want to talk. I am not mad at him. It wouldn’t make any sense to be mad at him. But I felt outnumbered. Harry has his own spy. All I get is Marie and her high standards.

“He’s truly sorry, you know.”

I glare at him.

“Don’t you have enough being his ears? Now you’re his voice too?”

He sighs and his lips set into a thin line.

“I’m sorry, Indie.” He shrugs. “But he’s my friend and… I just think he has the right to explain himself.”

“The right? Well, this isn’t a courthouse. And am I not the one who should decide that?”

“I guess yes.” His eyebrows raise on his forehead but he nods. “I’m just… I haven’t seen Harry like this in… Years.”

“I think he’s upset half the time and it has little to do with me.”

“I meant happy.”

I look up at him and find his eyes waiting for me to do that.

“You know, when I asked Marie about you, the first time-”

“You were taking advantage of her.” I accuse.

“Hardly.” He frowns. “I was more taking advantage of you, I mean of your situation… I used you as a pretext to start a conversation with her because I suck at this but besides that, I was also worried about you.”

“You don’t know me. Why would you worry about me?”

“You’re one of Marie’s best friends and you’re also friends with Harry. It’s hard for me not to care about the people my beloved ones care about.”

“I’m not friends with Harry.” I make clear.

“I think you are, at least to him you are, and he really needs one.”

“Why? He’s got you, doesn’t he? And you’ve proven to be extremely loyal.”

“Well, yeah, I’m his friend. Always have, always will. But he doesn’t have feelings for me.” He shrugs.

“He doesn’t have feelings for me either.” I frown.

“He cares about you.” He promises. “A lot.”

“I… Then why did he lie to me?”

“That’s exactly what he wants to tell you!”

I look away from him. I’m setting this on a silver platter for him to make a speech about how important would be for me to listen to Harry and his junkie’s excuses.

“Are you so scared to see him that you won’t even open the door for him?”

The way he patiently waits for my answer and how many things he’s shared about his family with us invite me to open up for some reason. It’s strange, but it’s happening to me the same thing that happen with Gemma. I guess there must be a connection between people who have been on car accidents. Even if I haven’t been on one, I’ve faced the consequences and somehow I feel as if we spoke our own language.

“What if I am?”

“God, you both are idiots.”

“Excuse me?”

“You like him and he likes you but here you are denying the obvious. I don’t get it.”

“This is very painful for me. Marie told me you already know what happened to Dylan. How can you not get that?”

He looks sorrowful and regretful but I don’t care. I’ve had enough of everybody’s insensitive asses thinking they can tell me how I feel and how I don’t.

“I looked up to him. I really did. I thought… He was this… Interesting, kind, intelligent man and finding out he did drugs was just… It’s so disappointing. It just… It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t square with the Harry I thought I knew so I guess I just don’t know him like I thought I did. And… After everything the fucking weed took away from me I… I think I’m entitled to feel this way. I’m entitled to be angry and sad and frustrated and I should hate him, but I can’t and that’s what I don’t understand.”

I am frowning, deeply, but my frown impossibly tightens when I think I hear him buffing a silent laugh.

“Did that seem funny to you?”

“Talk to him, Indie.”

I take a deep breath and look down at the table. I try my best to pay attention to the conversation despite my busy mind. It feels a little weird to be sitting in the table with these two. I feel like their kid or something.

Walking outside Marie’s apartment right before dinner, my shoulder bumps with one of her neighbours but when I look up, I recognize those green eyes and that mop of curly hair.

“Indie.”

“I was just leaving.”

But his hand wraps around my arm.

“Please.”

I stop on my tracks and look at him. The sooner I listen to him, the sooner he’ll leave me alone. Which is why I haven’t yet listened to him.

“Let me drive you home.”

“I was going to take an uber.”

His green eyes beg for a chance and I’m too tired to deny it. I sigh and purse my lips.

“Did Adam told you I was here?”

“Yes, but I didn’t come because of that. I wasn’t even going to go upstairs, I was just leaving Adam’s prescription on the mailbox. I was at the hospital and Marie’s apartment is pretty much on my way home.”

“Okay.”

I follow him towards his car and even though I don’t know him as well as I thought, I can tell he’s nervous. His shoulders are tensed and his jaw is clenched and he’s uncharacteristically quiet. I want to tell him it’s just me, but I think that’s what’s tensing him.

The drive is silence. He doesn’t say anything and I have nothing to say to him. When we arrived to my house, my sister’s car isn’t on the lane but the light on the porch is on so my Mum must be home.

“I’m listening.” I encourage him to begin as I sit still on the passenger’s seat.

“I was high because the more lorazepam I have, the more I have to take to be able to sleep so I really need to save those for sleeping and if I hadn’t had something on my system I couldn’t have stood seeing my sister turning 31 on a wheelchair because that’s my fault, Bl-Indie, and I know I should have told you. I just didn’t know how.” He sighs. “It’s… I didn’t want you to know that about me. It was nice not to be the guy who almost killed his sister and his best friend on a car crash when I was with you.”

“Were you high the night of the accident?”

My voice comes out as a whisper and I realize then how terrified I am of his answer.

“No.” He horrifies.

His green eyes have darkened and he looks like he’s the owner of regret, like he was some sort of mythological God for remorse and guilt and he was the dealer of it for human kind. It’s contagious, the sadness he’s holding back.

“I would never… No, God, no. I… I fell asleep.” He sighs.

I feel like a wall of sorrow is falling on top of me. It’s a wall I built myself too so with every brick there’s an amount of time of work I put into it. I’ve been trying to push him away and up until this moment, this invisible wall was between us, right on top of the gear, but now that it’s falling, it’s like I can really see him again.

I feel so unfair and the fact that I, out of all people, do this makes it even worse. How many times have I wished for people to stop acting as if they could ever understand what it feels like to lose the one you love over the night?

“We shared a car, Gemma and I.” He starts and I know what’s happening.

He’s uncorking himself. I wonder if he’s ever talked about this with someone and I feel all the pressure and the responsibility in the world to be a good listener for him. I want to do every little thing I wish my listeners would have done and I sure as hell don’t want to cry so I shift on my seat and I face him and I try to relax my position so he knows I’m comfortable and ready for an hour or two to pass if he needs to. He swallows.

“She was driving that night or she was supposed to but she was at party and Adam and I had gone to a concert and at around 10 pm Michal called me and told me Gemma was pretty drunk so I had to drive. I had had a few pints but like hours prior and didn’t drink anything else but I was just… Tired. I had just got into university and I was studying a lot and I guess the pints also… But yeah, I just fell asleep for like a second and next thing I know my sister’s yelling and the lights of a truck blind me and we’re out of the road.”

He isn’t looking at me then. Instead he’s looking out of the windshield and keeps swallowing as if that would break down the lump on his throat. I sigh and climb on my own seat, resting my weight on my knees so I can better reach him and then my arms wrap around his shoulders.

I am not mad anymore and I don’t care if I hadn’t stood my ground for long enough or if I hadn’t made my point correctly. I just don’t want to be mad forever. When people say it’s easier to hate than to love, I always think that it’s easier to start doing it but at least for me it’s not easier hating than loving. Loving feels good, for the most part of it, but hating takes a lot of effort and it usually comes from my belly and my throat and it tenses my shoulder and I don’t like it. I don’t want to be mad now. With Harry, what comes natural to me it’s not this. It’s not bad.

“I don’t want you to pity me, Indie.”

“Don’t call me Indie.”

I pull away from him so I can stare into his eyes and I hate the weight it lifts from my sternum.

“I am so sorry for what happened to you and for just pulling you away like that without giving you a chance to explain yourself but…”

“I get it, love.” My heartbeat speeds up at the nickname. “I should have told you. It was selfish and coward of me not to but what can I say? I am selfish and coward.” He shrugs.

“I don’t really think you are.” I look down at my thighs. “I have my own shed of secrets too.”

He waits patiently for me to open the door of my shed of secrets and let him in but I don’t have his strength, I know I would go down a road of depression and self-torture if I open that drawer so instead I just look up into his eyes and try to give him a small smile.

He hasn’t really cried and I wondered if he just has an auto-pilot for this like I had in the months after Dylan passed away. I would reply to every condolence in the same manner and it was like I had some sliding cape over me so that everybody’s words would actually slipped right over.

“Why me?”

“What?”

“Yeah, why do you… Tell me all this? Why did you basically follow me around until I listened to you?”

His green eyes frantically move between mine and he just stays quiet. I feel like I’ve been here before but it wasn’t in this car and his eyes weren’t green and I was still a kid. I hold his gaze but my eyebrows give my fear away as they furrow.

He’s never looked at me like that before and I think he knows too because his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows a lump that seems to weight down on his lungs just the one I’m trying to swallow myself.

“Because I can’t get enough of you.”

I let out the air I didn’t know I was holding and then my eyes shut and I’m back on my seat.

“You will someday.”

I look out of the window. I don’t want him to see me disappointed. It’s like my emotions know what’s going on before my brain does and so I wonder if there’s really some sort of soul on us that control what we’re feeling despite our better judgement. I think that’s the only that would explain how torn apart I am by all of this.

“Do you always do that?” He whispers so I look at him with a unsaid question on my lips. “Push those who care about you away?”

“You don’t care about me.”

He smirks but it’s the saddest expression I’ve ever seen him wear.

“Of course I do. I care about you a lot.”

My chest gets mad at me for not giving in what my body is so desperately trying to tell him but I keep my mouth shut and set my eyes on the dark outside his window.

“And I know you care about me too.”

His hand reaches for my knee and he rests it there without hesitation. My muscles relax and I hate that my body reacts like this to him.

“I won’t smoke again. But, please, forgive me.”

“How often do you smoke? And since when?”

“I barely smoke anything. I started smoking about a year after the accident. I… uh… I went to therapy, obviously, because well I just… It was pretty bad… But then I met this girl, her name was Eve, and she had weed in like cookies and brownies and stuff because she had cancer and… I had some with her and it just… It made me feel nothing, you know? But before that all I felt was pain so it was a nice change.”

“What happened to Eve?”

He’s surprised by my question. I don’t know why I asked that, I don’t know Eve but it just kind of slipped my lips.

“She passed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, she wasn’t afraid.”

“And how do I know you won’t smoke again?”

“Because I’m telling you.”

“You’ve lied to me before.”

“I haven’t lied, I just haven’t told you everything. Hiding is not the same as lying. Otherwise, you’ll be a liar yourself, Blue, and I don’t think you are.”

“Of course I am, everybody lies.”

He sighs. I’m making this hard for him but it’s hard for me too. It’s only fair.

“If we get rid of that stupid rule of us, you can just find someone else to fuck. We both know you won’t have a problem with that.”

“But I don’t want someone else.”

Headlights illuminate Harry’s car and blind us. Coco’s car pulls over at the door and she squints as she tries to figure out who the hell is sitting on the car on our porch. She gets out her phone as she walks inside the house and my phone vibrates.

“I gotta go.”

“Alright.” He nods. “Thank you for giving me a chance to explain myself.”

This time it’s me who nods before I open the door of the passenger’s seat. When I walk home, I do it very slowly and only then realize how exhausted I am. I don’t hear the wheels of his car driving away until the front door is shut after me.

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