#because the world didn't end for me when i was 17 and extremely depressed????

[evermorecountsastherapy]

finally watched the eras tour movie tonight and!!! omg!!! I'm crying!!!

#cried the hardest during love story #specifically because the first time i heard that song (and when taylor became my favourite artist) i was 5 #and i was watching the music video on a little tv in a hotel somewhere in wisconsin while i was visiting my aunt with my parent and grandma #and i became obsessed instantly #and now 15 years later I'm watching her perform the same song on my (much bigger tv) on new year's eve??? #because the world didn't end for me when i was 17 and extremely depressed???? #insane!! #anyway #i feel like i have finally come back to myself after watching it #she's my all time fav #my user isn't EVERMOREcountsastherapy for nothing 😁

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

#i hope you are okay #i wish i could help more #i hope the pain eases soon #and i hope that you stay #ps . to those of you reading this thinking i should help you too: please just dm me #it makes me really #really really scared when it's anonymous #bc i cant check in with u #i am not a professional and i am not actually good at helping ppl through their troubles #this is an exception bc they are 16 #not the rule #ps if u misunderstand ''being a teenager is the hardest thing i ever did'' when i mention briefly that i was in unsafe housing... #trust me. it was worse there. by like A HUGE margin #every person raised in unsafe housing nodding their head like . oh yeah worse stuff TECHNICALLY happened after but leaving that home was #legit the hardest thing i ever did

[akatsuki-shin]

The most painful thing about Geto's story for me is seeing his change from the beginning up until the moment before his death.

Probably it's because I watched the flashback in its chronological order (Season 2 Ep. 1-5 --> JJK 0 Movie), so I could get a better view and feels of his transition.

When he was still a student, putting aside all the shenanigans he pulled with Gojo and his other friends, we saw Geto as someone logical and level-headed. He has ethics, morals, and responsibility. To put it simply, if there's someone in that world who understand "with great power comes great responsibility" the most, it would be Geto.

Even after the trauma of witnessing those cult members happily giving standing ovation to Riko's death, he was still level-headed. He was in a dilemma, he was depressed, he started to hate and question "why do I have to protect these people at the cost of my comrades/my own kin?" But he still retained his logics and level-headedness.

Even at the very last seconds before he snapped upon seeing Mimiko-Nanako being tortured by the villagers, he was still trying to speak and explain things to them instead of just instantly went on a rampage on the spot. Had those people not insist on slandering and accusing Mimiko-Nanako, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't explode and massacred the entire village.

To be honest, when I watched the movie, the Geto Suguru who has become a cult leader who hated all non-sorcerers looks like a fake personality to me. Everything he said and did was the exact opposite of all the principles and moral values he used to speak of in the past. Throughout the movie, I kept asking myself "huh, is this really the same person?"

But his "fake personality" here wasn't meant to deceive other people. In fact, for me, I feel like he's actually been deceiving himself into believing that this is indeed the correct path for his life, the one he had chosen, and the one best for him.

Why did I say this? Because actually, even when he was falling into depression and ended up a villain, his true/real personality never actually disappeared.

Geto is a very caring and nurturing person. When asked if he wanted a sweet or savory snacks as souvenir, he didn't think about what he himself wanted but "Oh, I have a friend who likes sweets and he usually gets some, as well, so better get the sweet ones."

Despite already "fixing" himself into the villain role, he still took care of Mimiko and Nanako properly. He was like, what, 17-18 years old when he met them and he actually raised them into fine, healthy, proper young girls — outside of their hatred for non-sorcerers (which was caused by their personal childhood experience, so that's understandable).

And this real personality of his finally came out again near the end of the movie right before he died, when there was only Gojo there with him to listen to him speak about what he'd truly been feeling all this time.

When Geto said there was no way he could truly be happy/smile from the bottom in his heart in this world, IMO it's his most honest feelings. Because no matter which path he took, his internal conflict would never disappear for as long as he lived.

In canon, he took the most extreme way of eradicating all non-sorcerers. But had he not become a villain like this, had he chosen to live "normally," graduating from school, becoming a proper Jujutsu sorcerer, perhaps becoming a teacher with Gojo, his dilemma would persist when watching his comrades and students getting hurt and dying to protect the ignorant non-sorcerers every day.

And I'm sure he has already considered that possibility, as well, at some point before his death.

Geto Suguru isn't the kind of villain who wholeheartedly believed that he is in the right. IMO, he educated Mimiko-Nanako and his family (Miguel cs) into believing in the "justice" of Jujutsu Sorcerer Supremacy more for himself, to convince himself over and over again to stay in the path he already chose to take. Because deep down in his heart, he knew that there are actually other ways he could take — but he is already too far gone to turn around (and it's not like choosing a different route will give a better result because as I've explained above and he himself said, he already knows that there is no way he can truly be happy in this world).

This is a character who only appeared for not even 20 chapters in the manga; he also only got like 5 episodes + 1 movie in the anime. But his depth, background, and personality is that solid and his presence is that strong despite only existing in Gojo's flashback.

Beyond ships and all romantic headcanons out there, to be honest, if there is no Geto Suguru, I think the current Gojo Satoru now would not exist.

Yes, Gojo may still become the strongest sorcerer. Yes, he may still become a teacher and fight for the good purposes.

But he wouldn't have come to that much realization just how rotten the morality, regulations, and bureaucracy in the Jujutsu world is, to the point that he decided to dedicate himself to that extent to raise and nurture a new generation of sorcerers who can bring change to that rotten world.

(Disclaimer: Obviously, this is my personal opinion, so no need to take it as the truth and it's perfectly fine if you think differently. ^^)

#Jujutsu Kaisen #JJK #呪術廻戦 #Geto Suguru #headcanon #analysis #meta #i guess?

[gumjester]

Where do you think Alice is in EAH? What's up with her? What do you think of her? Basically do you have any headcanons about her? ;)

oh alice!!!!!! yes, i have thoughts about her, which i think are quite unconventional, as i have a highly specific (and maybe convoluted) imagining of what exactly she has gotten up to in her life.. i think this is going to take some explaining.

ultimately i have had alice serve as a developed, largely tragic reason 4 alistair to be involved with wonderland the way he is. i remember watching spring unsprung all those Years ago and asking myself: why is alistair the same age as the other wonderlandians? shouldn't he b an entire generation younger than them to fit the story? why is he still there, anyway, now being very obviously not a little child?? and we've seen every other wonderlandian parent, so yes, where on earth IS alice???

so, i started there, and worked backwards!

most of this is clarified (or at least said slightly better) in my work 'alistair's fall', but i didn't think alice would end up remaining in wonderland and i never thought of her living in ever after, mostly because i couldnt think of another reason she would not be seen nor mentioned in the show at all! i always considered her an inhabitant of the 'mortal world' [working title], which is different 2 both ever after and wonderland in that it is.. our world i suppose? but fictionalised. normal human dimension, regardless..

this always made the most sense to me, as the separation of the fantastical and the regular is such a fundamental aspect of the original alice story, and if alice hailed from ever after, a place where dragons wandered around and wolves could speak, i dont think it would end up meaning quite the same thing... theme-wise.

so, she is from common old london, and it is there that she returned after her story! unfortunately things get more depressing from here.

alice is quite a sad character in my headcanons.. she loved wonderland very much as her accidental visit provided a refuge from her exceedingly troubled home life, and actually didn't want to leave at all. when it happened anyway (wonderland's stories work more like patterns in nature. a child comes, a child goes. its just what seems to happen) she refused to let her experience go, maintaining that wonderland was not a dream, like most alices decide, but instead a real place that she could return to one day. her life continued as a series of misfortunes, and she grew obsessive, detatched, and quite ill. most of her worldly thoughts and efforts were directed towards getting back to the rabbit-hole and returning to wonderland where she would be safe and happy again. she was never successful.

in her early twenties she ended up alone, still ill, with a child, who she named alistair. giving him a version of her name felt like ensuring his luck that he, too, would get to go to wonderland someday (and she was right).

to make ends meet, she took several odd jobs for several unsavoury people, and ended up on the bad side of someone who believed in extreme measures. she ran from them, with alistair, to the now-derelict house she grew up in, and when inevitably she was found she knew what she had to do.

alice sent alistair out quickly and secretly from the house, and down to the stream where she knew the rabbit-hole must be (if not for her, then surely for him. wonderland is kind like that; if a child is in need, it will open itself to them). alistair found the rabbit-hole. alice stayed behind and met her consequence.

of course, this is a pretty gratuitously miserable thing to put her through, but i was about 17 when i thought of all this and my taste has remained edgy enough to think it effective!!! to this day i have no idea if she ought to be alive in the mortal world, or dead.. maybe one day, if i write a sequel to alistair's fall, i will actually have to make this decision!.... but not yet

#I HAVE NO IDEA IF YOU WANTED SUCH EXTENDED THOUGHTS BUT IT ALL SORT OF CAME OUT AT ONCE #but yes poor alice :( havent treated her well im afraid #you could read alistairs fall for more context on this btw!! its from 2020 but honestly i think it holds up #eah #ask #ever after high #alistair wonderland #gum talk

[jovieinramshackle]

hi hi jovie!!

i'd like to throw in 7 and 30! since 30 is supposed to be a made-up question, i want to ask:

What made you like Rollo? (or you can do this with azul instead or both hdklsfj)

HIII HIII Ty for the ask!!! 🙏

Oh boy the perfect excuse to ramble about Rollo and Azul

7. Is there an SSR you really wanted but never got?

It wasn't one....but two

If I remember correctly, BOTH cards came right after his birthday. And I wanted all of his birthday cards...

Azul stop having your event cards come after your birthday I DON'T HAVE THE GEMS OR KEYS FOR THIS SHIT.

And since I missed the first glosmas event (was on a break from twst) I doubt I'll get his card because I'm desperate for Rollo's 💔 (I actually want all 3 but only in my dreams)

30. What made you like Rollo? (Or Azul?)

I'll answer for both characters because once I'm asked about my faves I can't shut up. Ahem.

Azul:

When I first saw Azul he was immediately the first character to catch my attention. There's something about fancy-vintage-dressed motherfuckers that are clearly not what they present themselves as that really gets me (I just like guys in fancy suits).

Plus Ursula has always been one of my favourite Disney Villains, so I was extremely curious to see Azul's character. And oh boy was I not prepared for it.

Now I love Azul mainly because of how relatable he is to me. Ever since I witnessed his breakdown before his overblot. Not just his backstory and struggles with bullying and weight, but the way he is in the present.

We're not the same obviously, but I can't help but see myself in a lot of the things he does and likes.

I also like small cozy places, I like collecting one specific thing (for me it's funko pops or pins), I tend to calculate and think ahead of how something will go down and the possible outcomes etc. (I also love money)

Ofc it's not exactly like him, he's a fictional character created for entertainment, and I'm just some 17 year old lmao.

Rollo:

Rollo.... honestly I did not expect to love Rollo this much. It's actually hard to explain why (I lied, this ended up longer because I couldn't shut up. Sorry, it kinda turned into a Rollo analysis lmao 😭).

Thinking about it, I think I love Rollo because he wasn't what I was expecting. I don't even think I was really expecting anything, I was just curious about what Yana Toboso did with him, considering he's twisted from Frollo of all characters. And oh boy was I not prepared for him.

(obvious glosmas spoilers ahead for anyone who hasn't read the event.Here is the rest of the twst ask game)

I believe the point I really leeched myself onto this rat man is during his break down in the bell tower due to Idia's speech. It's devastating seeing him lash out as his world view crumbles right in front of his eyes. It's sad, it depressing, I can't help but feel pity for him.

His actions made a lot more sense to me then. He lost his brother to Magic, and he assumes that his brother would have also wanted Magic gone for this exact reason. Only thing is he can't know that for sure, his brother's dead, we can't know what his feelings regarding his death are. And Idia even calls him out on that!

Rollo is the one that wants Magic gone, I do think he believes it'll make the world better, but I believe he also does it out of revenge, for his selfish reasons. He's angry with the Mages that did nothing to help, he's angry with a world that allows Magic to be used so carelessly, he's angry with himself for being weak, for not doing anything, and then hates himself for being a Mage.

All of that results to him holding an intense hate for Magic, finding it completely dangerous and hates mages for using it carelessly. He's so devoted in his views, he even projects it onto others he thinks will agree with him. It's what he did with MC, they're magicless, so of course they'd agree with him, and when they didn't, he immediately jumped on the defensive and said it's sad they're used to the chaos, dismissing their answer completely.

But he also punishes himself. He doesn't let himself properly grieve and move on, to heal from the trauma, to the point I believed the death happened recently, until I realised he got his magic after the death, and assuming before getting into NBC, so he couldn't have been older than 15-16. And he's 18 now.

We see he's clearly struggling with depression thanks to his SSR card story. Sleeping very little, eating very little, outright refusing to have any social interactions with his peers. It's the things I, and many others, could relate to, to an extent.

He hates magic, the world that favours magic, the people that wield it and himself, for doing nothing to save his brother and then possessing the very thing that took him.

And I just...find all this super fucking interesting and cool???? LIKE it's such an interesting twisted from Frollo's character, because Rollo's rage is justified and understandable (even tho his actions cannot be excused).

Rollo isn't a villain, none of the characters are, he's an extremely confused, lost and damaged kid that needs help ASAP. He doesn't need to like or use magic, but he needs to learn to stop projecting his ideals onto others and start moving on with his life. To get new, realistic goals for himself, and stop obsessing over a goal that's not attainable, at least not for him. (Fire lotuses felt like a "holy fuck I can actually do it??" moment to me, instead of something he can repeat again).

Idk man I just want him to be happy, maybe while looking after a garden, make him a flower shop owner or something. He deserves a peaceful life.

I hope we see him again... imagine a new event where he's forced to work together with Malleus. Oh the potential...in both comedy and tragedy.

Twst asks game can be found here

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst ask game #azul ashengrotto #rollo flamme #rollo flamm #twst azul #twst rollo #contrast to how much I talked about rollo. azul remains my number 1. but if I talked about Azul this post would be thousands words long #so goodbye #in conclusion i like pathetic sad guys #moot ask

[aroaceconfessions]

Long post (Warnings detailed description of possible dysphoria around breasts, talks of masturbation, purposeful inaccurate pronoun use, possibly toxic family/friend relationships, depression and anxiety, aphobia, NBphobia)

Okay let's start with the basics I'm aroace sex/ro averse) agender (she/they)(afab)(no female referrals except for sister) i experience queerplatonic attraction which is femme leaning and I am an adult.

Since the age of fourteen I've know I was ace. Shortly after coming to this realization I had come out to my friend of 6 years. 3 days later she outed me to her father who said "if your not useful(make babies) the why be alive" this would later extremely effect my depression still to this day and spark a lot of internalized aphobia. She proceeded to gaslight and deny this happened for two years.

At the age of 17 I discovered that I am aro. As I had been partially ghosting said friend (and an additional friend who is very conservative and sex negative) for a year I decided that I would clearly state my sexuality and tell her that I knew that her outing me actually happened and that I feared her father and could never forgive him. She told me to forgive him because he doesn't understand the gravity of what he said, but I think she didn't understand the seriousness of what I told her.

Through out this starting at the age of 15 I had been questioning my gender once a month constantlyand consistently. The month before I turned 18 I started to identify as agender. I had only come out too two individuals about this. my cousin and one of my uni professors (they use they/them pronouns). Three months later I decided I would put nonbinary as my gender for work and my pronouns. They say they have lost my papers though clearly having info (signed permission forms) that were only avaliable on said papers. I have reinforced my gender identity on a work survey which they will see.

Now I will go deeper into the individual labels of my identity. When I started puberty I would only experience my libido during my period. Since puberty has ended I can say with certainty I only experience it once a year. This is not a reason why I am asexual though has a significant impact on my asexualty and how I approach the world.

I am kiss repulsed may be some variation of loveless. I can't say I love my family even those who I genuinely care about and don't fear.

I have social/performance/general anxiety (the previously mentioned friend has severely negatively impacted all of these). I currently have no friends I can't say I'm particularly lonely and I think I could life without friends but I experience platonic and queerplatonic attraction very strongly though not frequently and I find my self constantly yearning for a friend group or qpp.

My dysphoria around my chest varies depending on my current mental health (good mental health= likes/neutral about breasts, bad mental health= extremely dysphoric can't wear fitting bras and need to wear baggy shirts). For femme referrals a lot of it is connecred to my sexuality and how the expectations of women are to reproduce, have a romantic partner, etc. I have no dysphoria around my genitals and I think it's because I don't view them as connected to gender and only for reproduction.

That is all hope this helps those who feel alone in any of these experiences. And I believe I have previously submitted a post about my asexuality.

-Reid

#trans #transgender #nonbinary #non binary #non-binary #nb #enby #gender dysphoria #depression #anxiety #mental health #aromantic #asexual #aroace #arospec #acespec #aspec #aroacespec #arose #sex averse #romance averse #queer platonic partner #queer platonic relationship #qpp #qpr #squish #friends #friendship #aphobia #misogyny

[aquarian-daydream]

Back when I made this page in 2015, I was 17 years old. I was deeply fascinated in astrology. I deep dived and wanted to learn everything I could about myself, about others, anything to help me understand. I found a great community here. Thank you all for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I was going THROUGH it my high school years. I graduated 2016 with an attendance rate of 30% because I went through extreme depression, anxiety and ending life ideation and fantasization. I almost ended my own life. I had plans to. I was saved by my mom.

... to say I've been going through a spiritual awakening would be an understatement. I have become extremely attuned to my spiritual gifts unlike ever before. And I'll tell you what. There's so much more to life than this human experience. Live, choose to live with everything you've got. Embrace your inner child and be your beautiful self. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I let people squander my flame for astrology because they just didn't get it, asked me how I'd make money off of that, or thought it was of the devil witchcraft. I am pissed off. I RECLAIM my divine birthright as an astrologer and a spiritual omnist.. I RECLAIM who I truly am. Not as the world has told me, not as my parents, teachers, religious leaders, hell, strangers have told me --- but who I TRULY am.

I grew up in a corrupt church. I am breaking free from those bonds. I grew up with an extremely loving yet extremely dysfunctional family. I have also been undiagnosed autism since a young age and am just now figuring that out and working on getting an evaluation.

I graduated high school. I graduated university. I worked 2 different jobs. I've been through hell and back and yet I still exist. I know this is an intense post but it has been INTENSE for me. I'm finally waking up.

[tryst-art-archive]

Context: 2008

Life in 2009 was very different than life in 2008 and before had been, so when we reach the end of the archive for '08, we'll becoming to the end of a chapter.

The key events of 2008 are below the cut, but this is perhaps the most critical element: I had no intention of living to be 18, and 2008 was the year I turned 17.

No Longer "an Artist"

After this year, The Hiatus begins. It wasn't a true hiatus in that I was still making things during that time, but I drew extremely little, and I stopped sharing things I made online. It's a period of time present day me regrets because I see how much progress I didn't get to make artistically and how much catching up I had to do when I returned to drawing almost ten years later.

In short: the building, depression-fueled lack of confidence that had been en route since '06 came home to roost in '08, and I decided that I would never be an artist--that I lacked adequate talent--and the things I drew were, instead, wholly in service to the things I wrote, just tools to develop narratives and characters and nothing more.

I was wrong, of course, and I regret the decision to deny myself illustration bitterly. On the other hand, turning away from drawing as I did renewed an interest in photography I'd had as an elementary schooler and freed up time to work on my writing craft. With every bad, there is some good, and vice versa.

Life in 2009 was very different than life in 2008 and before had been, so when we reach the end of the archive for '08, we'll becoming to the end of a chapter.

The key events of 2008 are below the cut.

Persona 3 & Self-Actualization

I credit Persona 3 with my survival through this year, and I think there were two components to that.

The first was that I interpreted the game's messaging around death and suicide through the lens of a power fantasy. Essentially, I saw the characters' willingness to kill themselves as the unique strength that enabled them to save the world, and I extrapolated that my willingness to die could also be a super power. In a roundabout way, this gave me a sense of being valuable, which was not something I saw myself as natively.

The second was that I had my first encounter with a form of masculinity that spoke to me. The personality of the game's protagonist is largely determined by the player, but there are some things innately true of him, and one is that he's a stylish, slim young man whom other characters in the game describe as a "girly boy" or a "pretty boy" on more than one occasion.

I became completely obsessed with him. I desperately wanted to be him, although at the time I didn't fully realize that. I presumed that I was attracted to him and that my attempts to emulate him were, in some way, an expression of that attraction. In hindsight, it's very, very obvious that the emulation was the point. For example, I got my hair cut to match his and I was over the moon about it.

To contextualize why this character resonated so hard: I didn't have any real world models for the kind of masculinity he inhabits, which is also the kind of masculine I am. It simply didn't exist anywhere in my cultural environment, although it's fairly common in the media exports of Japan and South Korea. I'd been into anime for ages, and I'd been drawn to this form of masculinity all along, but inhabiting it directly, less as a character and more as myself, made an enormous difference.

You'll see the moment this switch flips by the arrival of my character Pupcat Riley. I based that character off the version of the P3 protag that I'd played, and a lot of the work I vividly remember from 2008 centered around him.

Relationship Upheaval

Over the course of the first half of the year, I became increasingly aware of and unable to deny that my friend with benefits, who happened to also be my best friend, had romantic feelings for me that I did not reciprocate.

My anxiety around that issue eventually led to me disappearing on them for a solid month, only to end the sexual arrangement on returning. The cut wasn't clean, but by the fall the arrangement was well and truly over, and we were still best friends.

My bestie graduated from high school and entered college in that same time span, and I sort of followed, spending a lot of time at their dorm, where I hung out with their new friends, one of whom I began dating. As neither my bestie nor I had had time to process my decision to conclude our arrangement, there was a weird tension between them and my freshly acquired boyfriend.

At the same time, I kept trying to find a way to make the fwb arrangement "not count" in my sexual/romantic history, as if I was running from it. Meanwhile, my bestie also began a new relationship. Awkwardly, the other girl involved also had had a thwarted crush on me.

As for my own new relationship, both my boyfriend and I had depression and (in my case totally unknown) ADHD, and while the ability to understand each other from that lens had been part of the appeal, in practice we worsened each others' symptoms. He was also completely convinced that it was inevitable that I would commit suicide--something he viewed with morose resignation--and while the insistence felt off to me, I didn't disagree; I had no intention of surviving to the next January, after all.

College

I didn't want to go to college, but I also had no intention of living long enough to have to. Therefore, I resentfully did college applications to avoid conflict, and I had the foresight to at least apply to places and programs that I wouldn't hate, if through some chance I wound up having to follow through.

But I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had never been able to imagine any kind of future for myself, so the idea of picking something to ostensibly do for the rest of my life was fundamentally absurd--doubly so considering I didn't mean to live much longer. I wound up trying to logic it out as the external pressure to do applications mounted.

The only things I liked enough to focus on for four solid years were art, writing, and biology. I ruled art out because I thought I wasn't good enough to even try. I ruled biology out because while the subject is endlessly fascinating, I didn't think there would be a job I'd be interested in. I never did research to confirm.

That left me with creative writing, which had the benefit that I felt I was innately good at it and could therefore succeed without trying at all--a pretty egotistical thing to think. I favored programs that had some real world application to them, as opposed to remaining solidly in theory territory, and that led me to apply to a program that included publishing as part of its curriculum.

Still, I didn't stress about applications or really get worried about responses. I wasn't going to be around for any of that to matter, so the only stress was getting myself to do a bunch of paperwork I had no interest in doing to appease my parents and teachers.

Suicide?

A weird thing about 2008 being the year I meant to die in is that I never made an actual attempt in the course of that year. I'd had my first near miss a couple of years prior--I nearly jumped in front of a car on my way home from the bus stop--but for whatever reason I didn't have a near miss in 2008. (Maybe I was just preoccupied enough?)

That isn't to say that the impulse to die wasn't as omnipresent as it had always been. I viewed January 2009 as a deadline, and the closer it drew the more anxious I became about not having offed myself yet. When I ultimately did not kill myself before my 18th birthday, I felt it as a personal and moral failure on my part. I saw myself as utterly pathetic, too cowardly to even die.

There would be other near misses in the future, but the idea that my survival was itself a sign of my worthlessness stuck with me for a long, long time.

#suicide #depression #context #info #me #00s #2008 #Age 17 #persona 3 #trans boy #who didn't know yet

[kaylasvent]

My life and gender dysphoria

This is my first time really venting about my body and my feelings about life. Growing up I knew I was different. I knew something wasn't right and I never really felt comfortable. I was around a 4 or 5 when I tried on girl shoes in my sisters closet and it made me feel pretty. At that moment I knew something wasn't right and I never really told my parents at a young age because I didn't know what was wrong with me. Fast forward at age 7 or 8 and I remember one Christmas. We all had a family get together on Christmas night at my uncles house. And I just remember my cousin got this cute pink princess set thingy with a mirror and I watched her as she did her makeup and it made me jealous because I knew I wasn't a boy and something isn't right. I also remember my mom painted my nails one day and I liked it. Then a couple days later I went to go hang out with my supposely friends down the street. That day they were bullying me/picking on me for having my nails painted and it really hurt my feelings. It even got so bad that they would bully me more and even beat up my bike that I used to ride around the neighborhood on. But luckily I had a friend down the street that was my only guy friend. And his mom knew my mom so that was good.

When I was in 5th grade my mother sadly passed away while I was sleeping and she was being rushed to the hospital. I remember my sister woke me up and there was a lot of random stuff on the ground. My sister took me to my cousins house and I didn't know what was going on until my aunt got the phone call and told me that my mother had passed and I started crying and I felt like my life was starting to go to shit. That year she died I remember getting on her computer and making a YouTube channel and that was my way of coping with depression and playing video games.

Middle school started to start and I was trying to fit in with the other people. But nothing really went well in middle school. Still was getting bullied in 8th grade and this is when I started hitting puberty and my hair was short and I started to get masculine features to my face and acne. I hated how I looked.

Highschool. Freshmen/Sophmore year I remember I started to grow my hair out and was going more for a emo/scene style. and those years were pretty much bleh with self hatred, and depression, heartaches. Junior year I would start to listen to extremely heavy metal genres like Deathcore, Metalcore, etc.

Around 17 and 18 I started dressing like a female but would hide it from the world. My senior year I started discovering what trans was and started watching YouTubers and was trying to find out who I am. I remember days towards the end of my high school year. I would start wearing women clothes underneath my guy clothes and it made me feel more feminine and I really loved it. After I graduated I started coming out to my sisters friend. She was the first one I told that I am trans. I ended up telling my sister and things went okay but then when I went to the doctor one day I asked my doctor about horomone's and he said he doesn't do horomone stuff and I wasn't sure how the ask him. After my check up at the doctors I remember getting back in my sisters car and she yelled at me and starting insulting me with words. Not sure if she meant it. But she does have Bipolar. After that I started feeling trapped and I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to be a guy to please other peoples happiness. When it was just hurting me, making me hate my life and the world. For the past 6 years I've gained a lot of weight because of depression and unmotivation.

4 years ago I met some friends on Fortnite that at least made me feel loved. I really never had real friends. So I thank them for being by my side and making me feel at least some happiness with life. Without them I probably wouldn't even be here today. So thank you guys! I love you! You guys mean the world to me even though we have our ups and downs and we all fight and get mad at each other over dumb stuff.

At 24. I decided to finally put my foot down and not care what anyone thinks. I came out to my dad and my sister is some what okay with it but they are still kinda transphobic, homophobic in a way. But I don't care. I am happier now even though some nights I lay in my room and have thoughts in my head and it makes me cry because of my body image and me being to masculine and not having breast. I am starting to make steps. I am starting to call a doctor for horomone's and I am kinda nervous. But I do hope everything goes well for my future and I am proud of finally coming out and being who I am today! <3

Also sorry If I suck at explaining all my feelings in this post. I kinda suck at explaining my feelings to people. :/ I will be adding more later.

-Kayla

[theworldaccordingtochrissy]

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO CHRISSY

September 20, 2021

ADDICTION & BAD CHOICE CAN BE TURNED AROUND

       At the end of 2017 and the very beginning of 2018 I experienced few traumatic events that would alter my life .In a couple of short months  I had gone from  feeling like I had many close friends and family to feeling almost completely alone  . One friend , Amy , tried to stick by my side ... and I was so alone , bitter  , hurt and angry that  I gave her quite a bit of unwarranted grief . At this time in my life I had also been clean from my drug of choice for 17 years  , but unfortunately that was about to change.

    The loneliness  was eating at me and the depression  was growing rapidly ... I also started having extreme  panic attacks  that were  way more debilitating than any i had experienced  before..... these would include  hyperventilating  and passing out ... so I spent  the entire next year as a shut in... I would occasionally visit one friend  , but only late at night and only if she would pick me up ...and , I relapsed and used drugs ... I was a total wreck .... very thin ... I was 6ft1 weighing in at 133 . I rarely ate or slept . The only thing that I was clinging to was my transition... I had spent  my entire life knowing  that this was what I was supposed to be , but at 47 yrs of age finally living the way I was supposed to be  . I had never really gotten in any legal trouble... so didn't have the fear of jail in me at the time... the way I saw it.. I rarely left the house at all... I'm wasn't going to get caught doing anything ... ha ! Boy was I wrong...

         After about a year of using it happened... I got a ride from an acquaintance  to go visit my friend  ... and this person's wreckless driving got us pulled  over by the police . I had multiple baggies  of drugs on my person... so I spent 11 days in jail then was put on probation and was told to keep my nose clean. When my apartment manager  found out about my charges I was evicted  ... with no money , no friends after the arrest  and I was scared to death.  Well I had one friend  , but it was a friend that also had a drug problem ... so in staying  with her for  a bit I started using heavier than ever.  A couple months went by and I just kept using until one night the friend locked me out and I was hanging around a local park after hours... I saw  the flashing blue lights approaching  and my heart began to beat out of my chest... I had a bag on me , hidden in my phone case . Needless  to say I went back to jail... this time for 3 months . It was horrible... I tried to make the best  of a bad situation... it was hard , but atleast I had a few people to talk to. When I finally did get out I had already decided  that I was done with dope... I hit ROCK FRIGGING BOTTOM  , and the only way was up !! I was court ordered  to go  to to rehab... because  of my insurance though I had a very hard time finding  one ... but I finally did.. about 5 hours away from home or so . My insurance would only pay for 10 days tho , so I stayed there for that, then stayed with my sister  for a few days before coming home. Now at this time I had been in early transition  for about a year  but had been a shut in... so not many people saw me.. not sure who knew.... but now , EVERYONE  was gonna be meeting  Chrissy...   During  my visit with my sister ( which went well ) I had a phone interview with Oxford House , a sober living house.  This was hard for me because  I just knew that I was going to have issues with placement  because of my being transgender  ... but I was accepted by Oxford House  .... but it was a man's house . I was there for 2 weeks , it was very very awkward  .. about a week into my stay there I was harassed  by a new roommate  for  sexual favors... He was disgusting,  and I was so scared that my anxiety almost got the better of me and I really began to fall apart..  this was my ONLY option  , other than homelessness. Then God fixed everything for me , and I was moved to a woman's house ! Now compared to my previous housing situation  , the womens house was BLISS  ... Over the 6 or 7 months that I was there there were indeed a few estrogen battles , but all in all it was a good  , positive experience  !

         While I was living  there one of the rules was that you have to work... I had been on disability  for years  , so they said  I had to volunteer somewhere...20 hrs a week...so I began to search.  I made so many calls that it was crazy... but nobody  ever got back to me... I've always thought  that my gender was probably the reason... people didn't know how to take me... I then thought about the homeless shelter that I had spent a few nights in... I knew  that they operated as a community food pantry  during the day and regularly needed volunteers.

I called them and started volunteering the very next day !!! It actually  felt good to give back , but it was more physical at times and was a little hard on me...even so I kept going  for a few weeks .  On my third week working the food pantry the assistant director came in and  saw me . She was so pleased that I was clean and doing so much better  . She began asking me if I'd rather work at the shelter in the evenings...

I thought this felt right , they were the only one of 3 shelters that helped  me when I was homeless... and I know for fact that it was because  of my gender identity.  So for about 5 months I worked  about 20 hrs a week  at the shelter while living at Oxford House... it was physically easier than the food pantry .. then a new opportunity  posed itself... The shelter i worked  at had tried a House Mother position  once before and was eager to try it again ... no monetary gain , BUT... it did include a rent free private room and meals ... I was required  to work 20 hrs a week and be on call for emergencies...so I said my first goodbye  to Oxford House  ..  The atmosphere  in my particular  house  was feeling  a bit  toxic , so for my own sanity I moved forward in my new role as House Mother ! My plan was this this would be the new start I desperately needed... but I had no clue how much my life was gonna change over the next few months  ! This would've been Jan thru Feb 2020...  so for 3 months I was the residential  house mother for the homeless shelter and tried to take my role seriously...

        enter Jacob ... who was to become my husband in May 2020... just 3 months later !!!

          He really is everything I've ever wanted  !!

So I'm sitting in my room at the shelter one early afternoon in Feb 2020... afternoons were actually pretty lonely there..  the shelter  didn't open until early evening , the food pantry was closing  and I was alone . "Ding Ding Ding" , sounded my phone  in its flashy cheetah case ..

I had received a couple messages... they were cute  , and flirty little chats . So I looked at the profile pics and limited information  available  per the social media app . "Oh my gosh ... hes 29 years old " , I thought to myself as I was checking out the fellow... I was 48 at the time.  Then I took a closer look at the photographs  of the mystery man .... and I cannot lie...I think  I melted a bit ! First thing  I noticed  was that he was a ginger... I so have a whole ginger thing.. and he was so cute... but more than just cute , he was handsome  , and had a certain something  that 2 yrs later i still can't quite describe.���♡♡♡ We exchanged  numbers  and chatted a bunch for about 2 weeks ...he was funny , charming  and always good with a line lol... Honestly  though he was a gentleman  for most of those 2 weeks ...skipping a tiny bit but may go into details later.. by mid March 2020 WE had to change our relationship status  on the app we had been chatting on ... I swear I didn't see it coming  , a boyfriendn19 yrs my junior .. and in the early part of us nobody really understood  the way we got along... it was amazing  ! Was i scared you ask ?...OH MY GOSH  , "YES!".. I was terrified... not of the age thing... but scared  of having my heart broke.... but we still kept it going... he was so sweet  and thoughtful.. sure he was a bit of a wild card , but we really worked ... so in April 2020 when he showed up on my shift at the shelter and proposed  ... right in front  of all the shelter ladies .. I said YES !! So a month later we did the deed  !!!  I didn't realize  or think about it but getting married  actually caused us to both become homeless..There's so much more but  more details  on us will be coming up in a future post.

         My reason for writing this blog entry was to show people that so much is possible.. you have to try to live right , trust that God will provide and be patient.. Recovery isn't always easy ... for me it didn't happen right  for a year... its life change , not just about not using. 

         We are in such a better place now..Jacob has a great job ,  we have our own place .. with a very spoiled snorkie puppy named Rotten  when 18 months ago we were homeless .... ANYTHING is possible !!!

XOXO,

Chrissy

#transgender #western kentucky #Spotify

[dracereads]

So I want to talk about a little bit about reviewing books. This one is a long-winded one, so grab a snack because I can talk your fucking ear off.

So I think the best way to get started with a reviewing process is to basically introduce who I am and what I know about books, authors, and writing.

So. Let's start there. Hello, my name is Drace and I'm an AG/NB person who is 28 years old as of the time of writing this intro at least. I use they-them pronouns primarily, but I'm not one to chew your head off if you use the wrong ones. Because It's probably not done with ill intent.

In this contextual world of books and academia, I define myself as a writer. I've written a full manuscript or two in the past. However, I never thought my skill was good enough to pursue publishing them, and it definitely wasn't. No Loss There, LMAO. I don't actively regret that choice either as I will explain later.

I consider myself to be obsessed with storytelling, and I've been telling stories since I've been able to talk. I was always making my dolls into different characters and putting them through various crafty and crazy scenarios.

My passion to tell a good story only grew as I got older, with my nose buried deep in books, or playing video games (especially RPGS), watching anime, cartoons, and movies. As I made friends, I found myself surrounded with creative types who loved to read, write, and draw as much as I did. Together we wrote fanfiction, made stupid comics, and spent countless hours role-playing original characters, canon characters... or whatever the hell stupid kids come up with.

I am not a stranger to a good story and the emotions that come with them. There is nothing more intimate than a story that resonates inside, and you hold onto it like fragments of a dream you accidentally woke up from in the middle of the night. But like... life has a tendency to happen, right? I'm no different from anyone else when it comes to suffering trauma, tragedy, and the pain of growing up.

However, I've never really had good coping or relationship skills due to my issues, and eventually when I turned 17 I had an extremely bad burn out. What's worse is that I had no idea what was going on, no real words to explain it, and nobody who had the ability to recognize the issues within me as I explained them.

I used to think that what I experienced was just... a deep depression. However, looking back on it. It was so much worse. To use words now; it was like being stuck at the bottom of an endless abyss where I genuinely thought I would never get out of again. There was a time where I thought I was not going to live to see my 20s, and I was prepared to die then and there.

I dropped my academic aspirations and I nearly flunked out of high school. I did NOT care anymore. About myself or the world around me, and I just. let myself be swept up in the current of my parents, teachers, counselors, and remedial educators dragging me along to finish school while I waited to die. I spent most of my time burying my nose in classic books like Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice to get me through work I didn't have the emotional or mental capacity to handle.

I ultimately chose not to pursue higher education because I didn't know what was wrong with me... or why what was happening did. I was always so afraid of the thought that I would get myself unstuck, only to end up sinking back into the pit because I didn't know what put me there in the first place. 

Also, this was also the time in my life that my chronic issue-- illness? I'm not sure what to describe it as. Also started to manifest. So I leaned into that because it was the justifiable excuse that everyone seemed to accept. Mental illness was unacceptable, but a physical illness? Wow that a lot. Please keep in mind that I grew up in a rather conservative area and household, and that mental illness is very stigmatized as a result.

Most people don't understand what burn out is exactly until it happens to them. I hope for your sake, dear reader. That you don't have to go through it and my words reach you in some way if that's the path you're on. I will try to put this in an allegory, but leave no uncertain terms. Think of your mind as a forest.

All your interests, passions, creativity weave together to form a tapestry of interconnected skills, values, aspirations, and dreams that form the trees, shrubs and canopy of your mind. That's what protects you from the outside world and helps you define your sense of self.

Depression in my experience is a dead tree or two, and in the worst case of it. Many dead trees that need to be clear cut away to help the ones still thriving remain. However even with the trees removed, you still have stumps, logs, branches and leaf debris to remind you that there was something there once. You can start again because you still have landmarks in your mind. Your brain will heal itself over time if you nurture it back to health. If you have dead trees in your mind, you need to take care of them. You need to take care of yourself to ensure that you still have plenty of living trees in your head.

Burnout is a fucking forest fire. Not only does it destroy dead trees, it ravages and eats away at the living ones. Eventually it will raze everything in your mind. You are left with nothing but an empty canvas. With barely any reminders of what existed before, and how it existed. You exist solely in the despair and blackened remains of who you were.

There is hope though. Even through all that. We all carry the capacity to heal. New things take root... and you work through it. You start over again. And I genuinely tried.

However, I quickly lost traction and fell back into despair. I had come to lose my mental acuity, one treasure I didn't know I had until it was gone. I had moved out of my parents home and lived a few sucky years trying to work through my burn out while working an adult job. One morning going to my shitty job resulted in a devastating car accident, which caused a traumatic brain injury.

Suddenly this world I was at least used to navigating had changed again. I lost all connection to who I was before my accident. I was an imposter in my own skin, barely recalling memories that supposedly belonged to me. It was like viewing your life as fragments of a dream you barely remember.

The stories that I could tell before and simple things like vocabulary and forming complete sentences or thoughts became excruciatingly difficult, if not impossible at times. I struggled to find simple words and circled my thoughts around and around trying to find coherency. It was agonizing. 

I tried to bury myself in familiar habits and places, essentially "faking it until I make it back to myself" sort of thing. However, it became clear to me that I was never going to be who I was again. It was time to let that person pass away. So I spiraled. again.

On my downward trend, I happened upon an editor's blog who recommended a book by Rebecca Syme called "Dear Writer are you in burnout?" And i bought it because why the fuck not. Maybe she could tell me why my stories had fallen out of my grasp and maybe give me tips on how to reach a little further than what I could currently.

To put it bluntly: It was the first time anyone had put my situation into perspective for me without hearing a damn word I had said. She described it to a tee. Believe it or not, she was also the first person who bluntly told me to go seek professional help for it, because it would be beyond my ability to recover by myself.

So I did. I've learned so much since then and I am open and willing to share that trauma with you all now. Because I'm in a better place and I feel like it's not oversharing to explain that I'm not exactly conventional in what you would expect behind a keyboard on a blog about books.

Part of my progress is bluntly just to rediscover and discover passions again. I know for a fact that despite it all, I'm still a slut for a good story.

I spent the better part of the pandemic studying my ass off with books about reading, about writing, about character crafting, about literary design. I took a few courses in what I could online for free. A lot of that work suggested I pick up reading as a habit and a hobby again.

The theory is that you start building up a repertoire of stuff you like and dislike. Eventually that stuff will spark a fire in my imagination and eventually reignite my creativity to write. Theone thing I want to do more than fucking anything.

So that brings me to reviews now. Given my struggles I absolutely want to stay the fuck away from brutual critique. I am not here to tear anyone down. This is especially coming from a place where I have done so in the past to myself and others. It's toxic and I'm not about it.

I can tell you from experience that writing is stupidly hard. Good writing is about 10 times as difficult as that! Cruelty should have no place in creative spaces meant for creators. That's what I strive to be. So we'll be having none of it here thank-you. However, that does not mean to say some authors and writers do not deserve a good kick in the ass from time to time. We're all human. We all make mistakes. I feel like most people deserve grace. So no brutality does not mean no critique.

I know for a fact there are some authors and writers that are real pieces of human feces out there, and they are actively seeking a punch in the face and I can get behind them getting what they deserve. I'm going to avoid the hell out of these people if I can help it.

However, this facet of writing is 1000% new to me. I don't have a discerning eye for bad apples and troublesome people yet. To be honest, the only time I ever researched authors, literary agents, or publishers was for school papers. I sort of read and consumed whatever the fuck without stopping to consider who wrote it and why for the majority of my life.

That has changed with the start of this blog. Here I am, jumping feet first into this part of the process. I am fairly confident in my ability to swim and I think I'll be fine. But please forgive me if I sink and drink a few times while I'm learning the ropes. Patience and kindness is much appreciated in advance. Thank-you.

So. Now I want to make a discernment in terms. I do not consider being an author and a writer to be entirely synonymous. They are two entirely different beasts.

I feel like the author tends to refer to the business side of writing. It's the stuff you do in order to market your book. It's the editing, publishers, agents, book-covers, interviews, jacket sleeves. It's about the person and their works as a brand.

Saying you're a writer refers to your skill at writing. This is your story itself, its characters. Its themes. it's the deeply rooted psychological trauma and biases that you slip into your work without your notice kinda stuff.

Now. You can be shit at being an author, and you can be shit at being a writer. They are two entirely different connotations.

Examples:

C.S. Pacat, the writer of the Captive Prince series is a SHIT author. She's doing much better now, but when she first came out. The books were hard AF to find, and there was next to nothing you could do in terms of research on her or her views. She was a damn ghost.

GREAT WRITER. SHIT. Author.

The reverse of that is Stephenie Meyer. Steph is arguably a mediocre and high-school level writer. I've met role-players who could logic circles around that woman and still use Linkin Park as an inspiration for a scene.

However, I think Stephenie Meyer is a great example of a kick-ass author. She had a superb marketing team who put her into the hands of her target audience, and had such a captivating presence with her fans that they took her viral. They were rabid. I still remember my sister going to the releases for Breaking Dawn when the book was published.

What I wouldn't give for Stephenie Meyer to write a tell all on Twilight... but like she could skip all her writing advice. I just want to know what it was like to be that badass of an author. Give me the deets on what you did after your manu girlie.

Anyway, I'm starting to digress from my point. Which was author =/= writer.

So while I may not know jack-all about the author side of this shindig, I can hold my own on the writing side.

Writing is a skill. I've worked with good writers, bad writers. I've read bad stories. I've celebrated good stories with bad writers who grew into writing them. I've won academic awards. I won amateur contests. I've tutored in writing. I've done peer reviewing. I've done brainstorming sessions.

There are probably a few people who would go "OMG NO. THIS BITCH AINT" and an equal amount of people who would go "OMG DRACE HAS FINALLY DONE IT. I'M SCREAMING" in a hypothetical reaction to this blog. I've been awful. I've been good. I've been here a long fucking time.

So. I love. love. love. writing. And not being able to do what I love kills me.

So when people write and especially get through the hell and tribulations that is getting a manuscript published, I feel like I need to be able to handle their artwork like it's fragile. I want to handle my thoughts with precision and care. I want to be able to tell you what I think without making it my mission to make it be the only thing you think about a piece. Just enough to pique your own curiosity without telling you how to think on it for yourself.

Oh. and another thing I should mention: I absolutely love bad books. It's always so fascinating to me to dissect them and figure out what went wrong. What is it exactly that's not working right? Is it just not to my taste? Am I just too stupid or too traumatized for this piece? 

Because of that, some things you would consider bad I might gloss over or not give a grievance to. I am very gentle with flaws, plot holes, and bad characters, and shit premises. Good writing is hard. They're making the effort to put themselves out there. I can be kind.

Don’t get me wrong though. There are some books out there that are so bad that even my kindness can’t save them. I’ve got plenty of 1 & 2 star books that have been finished. What I do with them is set it to the side and skip over writing about them. I’d rather push out 3-Star and above books at the moment. 

It is eventually my intent to start trickling “bad” books into the mix. Those are going to be books that are going to get a lot of written attention because those are going to be more instrumental in my own growth as a writer. That’s not to say that I’m not growing more powerful as a writer on the dopamine hits that the good ones provide. This is a good time to mention that when I read books, I actively take notes when I read. I have a notebook and pen with me all the time. If I don’t, I literally have a phone with a built in stylus so that I can start scribbling down plot points, arguments, and thoughts that I have at any time. Something funny? Annotate. A stupid meme idea? Write that shit down for later. Copy a sentence down and start riffing off of that section and be like “wait no what why” like a damn margin. Abso-fucking-lutely. 

Not only that but I do have some 5-star piece reviews that I have crafted and fully written out in my notebook. I sort of just slop them down in the same fashion as this piece you’re reading right now, and do a lot of editing, tweaking, and restructuring when I transcribe them digitally. However, I feel like I’m not technically qualified to share my opinion on some of those pieces without doing more research. I’d rather do the research and grow my opinion from reliable research than homebrew it from life experiences. So they’re probably going to be a lot different after the editing is over. And that doesn’t concern me in the slightest. I’m not really in any rush to just slam out work I’m not ready to share yet. However, everything that I’ve done so far has been so much fun. I don’t want to ruin that fun by trying to force myself through something I’m not feeling at the moment. 

I already wrote a piece about realistic expectations on this blog. However, the part I failed to mention is that I’m a bird with attention issues. So sometimes you’re going to get nothing at all for weeks. And then sometimes you’ll get a piece like this where my passion strikes me and Heat of the Moment by Asia blares in my head as I slam my fingers on a 3k before editing and altering monstrosity. I’m sorry, inspiration and motivation just infects me strangely. 

Anyway, I’ve had a blast working on this piece this weekend, from the writing, and now the editing.  Though really I  think I need to shut the hell up because like I said, this has already gone over 3,000 words. I absolutely make no promises, but these heart-to-heart deep talking things might become more of a thing. Especially if I get an example of something I want to think at length about. That would be something similar to that deep dive into All Boys Go To Jupiter that I did. I really do need more of that in my life. 

Tdlr; Drace gives you their tragic introduction as your narrator, I share my thoughts on authors vs writers and how they’re different. I also explain why I tend to seem “nicer” and most stuff I end up sharing gets 3+ stars, and that I’m a goofy goober who gets random spurts of inspiration for no real discernible reason. 

Peace and Love till next time, Lovelies!

#blog updates #misc

[lesbianakaashi]

The Forgotten Shounen: Katekyo Hitman Reborn

This is not a “Why you should watch/read khr” or anything like that. This is just me going into the deep dive and throwing my findings at you. I’m making this because khr used to be my favourite series when I was 15 (I had plushees, posters, tradingcards, the art book etc) and now as an adult I constantly find myself baffled at how unknow it seems to be.

1. Okay first what is khr?

Katekyo Hitman Reborn! or just Reborn! is a series by Akira Amano which was published in Weekly Shounen Jump from 2004 to 2012 (with 42 volumes) and got an anime adaption which run from 2006 to 2010 on Tv Tokyo (with 202 episodes and one OVA).

2. What’s it about?

Khr is a parody of the italian mafia and plays in a world where the mafia is heavily influencial. The protagonist is the japanese middle schooler Sawada Tsunayoshi who is known as “No good Tsuna” because of his failing grades, general weak and cowardly personality and weak physics.

He becomes aware of the mafia world when a 2 year old baby called Reborn arrives at his house claiming to be the greatest hitman and declaring himself his home tutor. Reborn was send by the 9th head of the Vongola famiglia who is ready to retire and looking for a new heir. Which of course, is supposed to be Tsuna and now it's Reborns job to shape him into a worthy sucessor.

Tsuna rejects the violence of the mafia world and refuses the position as the 10th. Thanks to Reborn and his general craziness Tsuna meets different people and starts to make real friendships. Reborn wants 6 of those friends to be Tsuna's future guardians, basically a group of people which will be closest to him in the vongola famiglia. Tsuna might have no interest in those positions but the friendships he builds with them become really precious to him.

Reborns arrivial also brings in the enemies of the Vongola family which leads to Tsuna being forced to engage in battles. Generally Tsuna openly avoids fights and prefers to run away but will put himself in danger for his friends' sake or because of something Reborn did.

Through out the series Tsuna matures and gains strenght but he never becomes a power fantasy. He's just a guy with many flaws who grows through the human connections he makes.

Personally I think the relationship between Reborn and Tsuna is one of the best student teacher reltaionships in all of manga only topped by Mob and Reigen from Mob Psycho 100. Especially the last arc really underlines their unique relationship to me.

Furthermore, khr offers a new and unique battle system: The flames. I'm not gonna go into to too much detail but the general idea is that one fights with their dying will flame which basically turns off your the savety switch so you can fight with everything you have. The flames are seperated into different categories such as: sky, storm, mist, rain, sun, lightning and cloud and have different attributes asigned to each one. Tsuna's use of the sky flame and his transformation when using it is still one of my favourite shounen transformations to this day.

3. What happened?

The series did really well and then not so well over the course of its serialisation. After the manga got an anime adaption it increased in populairty and video games, light novels, and other products such as CDs were created based on the series. Reborn is one of the best selling series of Weekly Shōnen Jump and has sold around 30 Million volumes overall. It was and still is very popular in Japan but rather unknown in the west.

According to the article "The Rise and Fall of Weekly Shonen Jump: A Look at the Circulation of Weekly Jump" khr was the 10th bestselling series in Weekly Shōnen Jump, with a total of 7 million copies sold in 2007.

This number increasing to 15 milion in 2008. Which placed khr into the 4th best selling series of 2008 in Japan.

Between 2008 and 2010 those sales declined but still kept strong with khr as the 6th top selling manga in 2009, 8th best selling in 2010 and then 24th best selling in 2012.

In November 2014, readers of the Da Vinci magazine voted khr number 17 on a list of Weekly Shōnen Jump's greatest manga series of all time.

After the anime came to an apprupt stop in 2010 for unknown reasons the manga sells took a visible hit. (Apparently the studio wanted to put the anime on halt because they were busy with other projects and give Akira Amano time to develop her story but I couldn't find any source for this claim) Furthermore, the rushed last chapters of the manga in 2012 declined the popularity of the series even more. There's no offical statement as to why the manga was ended in such a way but it's reasonable to assume that Jump either cut it considering the decreasing sales or Akira Amano choose to end it for personal reasons.

Nontheless, Tsuna not being included in Jump Force (a fighting game where you can play as different characters from Jump) in 2019 even tho he made it in earlier Jump Stars games also underlines the decreased interest in the series.

Rumors on a reboot or anime adaption of the last two arcs surface from time to time but are genereally unlikely. Artland the studio which made khr has gone bankrupt around 2015-2016. It might be taken on by another studio but rather uncommen especially with such an old series.

4. Art style

The khr anime ended over 10 years ago and the old art style might not be appealing to newer audiences.

Especailly because the anime adaption follows Akira Amanos old art style which heavily developed within the years. Here a picture comparing characters in the new art style:

A modern anime adaption in the new art style would be aesthetically pleasing. It would probably look similiar to Psycho Pass since Akira Amano did the concept art for this series.

(My personal art student hot take is that both art styles are unique and fun. Up to this day Akira Amano still has my favourite art style and even if the amount folds in the characters clothing is a little extreme I love it dearly.)

5. Criticism

The show is not without flaws and even if I greatly enjoy it it wouldn't be right not to adress them.

Daily Life Arc:

A lot of people view the first 20 to 25 episodes as fillers and quickly lose intererst in the series. This is due to the fact that Akira Amano inteded the series to be a gag manga and focuses the first chapters on world building, character introduction and comical narratives. It's rumored that the decision to develop the story into a battle shounen was made because the sales weren't doing well enough at first. So the first chapters/episodes may seem titidious but are necessary for the story and the development of the characters. The tonal shift from a more gintama like gag manga to a darker battle focused story can also be offputting to some viewers.

Either way a lot of people blame this arc when discussing why khr never got an english dub or didn't end up on Toonami. I've also read that the manga never finished serializing in the north america. However, it finished in other western languages like german and spanish.

Censoring:

The anime censors A LOT. From Gokudera's smoking habit, Yamamoto's whole character arc which deals with heavy themes such as depression and suicidal thoughts. The general bloodiness of the manga was censored and sometimes whole chapters and characters were left out even if those were important to the devolopment of others.

Filler episodes:

Out of the 202 episodes the anime has around 29 filler episodes which makes roughly 14 %.

Sexism:

Even if Reborn was written by a woman most female characters are rather flat and their storylines often tied to a male character in one way or another.

Genereal things:

Khr, like many other long running series, is sometimes criticised for a lack of world building or unpopular narrative choices.

6. Hope?

Khr isn't exactly dead. As stated before the series is still very popular in Japan and still gets new merch pretty regulary. There are also petitions floating around for a reboot or a new anime season but those never get a lot of traction. Furthermore #Reborn2期アニメ化 (#Reborn2ndAnimation) used to get some traction on twitter not too long ago. Last year the Anime News Network did a poll on which anime the readers would like to see a rebooot of and khr placed second.

Either way here's a collection of recent khr things I could find.

- In 2018 a new bluray set was released in north america

- The khr stage play reached yet another new season

- A mobile game was released last year

- Currently ongoing anime cafe event called "Concerto di Vongola"

- Last month there was an event with the former VAs and stage play actors where they discussed their favourite khr episodes.

- There has been an increase in blind reacts to the openings on youtube which might bring in a new fan base. The biggest one I could find had around 90k views and was made in 2019. On this note check out the soundtrack. The first openeing Drawing Days by SPLAY still makes me go insane (but I'm biased of course)

There also renewed hope for a new season/reboot because Shaman King, Inuyasha and Bleach got anounced for new seasons after a long hiatus. It's important to keep in mind that the circumstances for those series are differnt tho. For example bleachs new anime is often tied to the immense success of the gatcha game.

7. Conclusion

Khr is a series which used to be a flagship for Weekly Shounen Jump and is deeply beloved by it's fans, especially in Japan. It influenced other shounen series like bnha. It would be nice to see it gaining a bigger fanbase in the west :)

#khr #khr meta #anime analysis #shounen jump #katekyo hitman reborn #mirytalks #long post #manga

[retphienix]

Alright, this is gonna be tough because I desperately want to say so much for the game's sake and my own, but it's just so much.

At least the playthrough as a whole exists to show a lot of those things, and there's no shame in some of the impacts the game had for myself going unsaid :)

LONG POST INCOMING, NO 'READ MORE' BECAUSE IT'S RELEVANT TO THE POST AND NOT AN AFTER-THOUGHT

CLICK 'J' ON YOUR KEYBOARD TO SKIP. (Sorry mobile users)

8:48 - Do you have any idea how good a step forward it felt to smash the repressing bulb?

9:50 - So I'll get ahead of myself because this fight shows a lot of the visuals that play into this: Something being the manifestation of guilt for Mari is so incredibly visualized.

Between the base 'Something' being extremely close to the shadow she cast and including the one visible eye that bore down on Sunny and Basil after the hanging, to the stairs incorporating into the design.

The seaweed and spider are more general anxieties though they do circle back to Mari since she saved Sunny, but those two forms don't feel as directly related as the stairs (heights) and base 'Something' forms and what they represent for his repressed guilt.

Could be wrong ;) Tell me what you saw in the forms of 'Something' if you'd like to expand on them :)

12:39 - Just to prove the point before you get to fully see the truth- Something morphs into the figure of Mari hanging. It doesn't fully demonstrate the "eye" aspect yet, but still I just wanted to say kudos on the way 'Something' is shown visually. Formless for a reason, and that form becomes more defined as you understand what it is, exceptional damn thing.

15:43 - Basil's part in all of this makes me so damn sad. Plenty to say later (obviously), but he harbors so much guilt, wants forgiveness so much, and is so (not shown yet) desperate to believe in Sunny's innocence while knowing but not comprehending the truth. The fact he harbors his own 'Something' due to the guilt of all this is heartbreaking, these kids endured a hell no one should. Losing someone so important to you and harboring the guilt and fault of it when nothing of the sort was intended. A childish fight with raised emotions got out of hand and all this came of it.

Hell.

16:30 - I absolutely adore how the photo album is used for this reveal.

Absolutely incredible execution that's specific to this story and its characters and makes piecing (literally) this together tense and grim.

22:27 - I NEVER SPOKE TO OR INTERACTED WITH THE THING IN THE CENTER OF THIS ROOM AND I'M A NORMAL AMOUNT OF UPSET ABOUT THAT >:( lol

29:41 - Okay.

So this reveal as a whole is so unbelievably well paced and incredibly hard hitting.

All game long there's a weight of having lost Mari. Repeatedly it's told that she killed herself and no one can understand why and everyone (MYSELF THE PLAYER INCLUDED) is looking for meaning in little moments, seeking out hints that maybe she was suffering or depressed or this or that.

And while that has gone on FOR THE ENTIRE GAME there has also been this uneasy weight surrounding Sunny/Omori. Visions of Mari twisted and deformed into phantoms of horror.

For the most part I assumed it was just him coping with having lost his sister and maybe a dialogue on how when she was alive he was in her shadow (in his mind) and now that she's gone he remains there?

That was the best I could figure, more or less. But it continued to seem more and more malicious in design and MUCH more 'heavy' in how it's presented as a shadow behind Omori/Sunny throughout his adventure and life.

The weight and 'overshadowed' looks of the scenes felt more and more foreboding and less like a simpler "I'm living in her shadow" story, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Then these pictures come out and piece things together.

The final result:

Sunny and Mari fighting. (Context appears to be his growing disdain towards playing. It's stated he loved playing, but it's also shown that he begins to dislike how much Mari is dragged away for classes and the like up to and including playing. So my read was that Sunny was upset that their fleeting time together was dedicated to the recital and broke his violin in an emotional blur and the fight occurred.

Alternatively it was accidentally broken and both of their emotions were running high as it happened)

Mari falling to her death.

Sunny and Basil carrying her upstairs and tending to her.

Sunny breaking down as it sinks in.

The visions having Basil say "It's going to be okay" by the bedside. (I perceive that as a memory of what Basil was saying as he tried to manage his emotions during the event)

Sunny and Basil carrying her back downstairs and to the backyard.

The makeshift noose.

And finally the sight that burned itself into Sunny's eyes of her hanging after it was all said and done.

Just holy shit to it all in how it's revealed and handled.

Stories have twists all the time, and I ain't gonna make some bold claim like "Most unpredictable!" "Best twist!" "What a twist!" or whatever, though that'd be funny.

I just want to say this twist worked BEFORE the reveal as a foreboding sense of unease and curiosity- it lent itself to intentionally vague and easily misconstrued explanations, basically- instead of it outright misleading you beyond the characters that believe the lie repeating the lie, it allowed you to mislead yourself.

It did the twist the right way! And well! YOU trick YOURSELF! The people repeating the lie are being lied to or have motivation to repeat the lie! The GAME isn't lying (as so many twists handle it) the game is giving the world reason to mislead and allowing you to be mislead!

Now am I yelling affirmations for the way things SHOULD ALWAYS BE! YES! BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT AS NORMAL AS IT SHOULD BE! lol

31:40 - All the "You will really miss them"s hurt :(

33:25 - Right out the gate, a spoiler for what isn't here:

I looked up the alternate endings of the neutral route and my heart hurts to know Sunny doesn't stick around and Basil dies :(

34:00 - BASIL BEING OVERWHELMED WITH DENIAL AND GUILT AS HE ATTEMPTS TO MENTALLY PROTECT HIS VIEW OF WHO HIS FRIEND IS BY INVENTING A SECOND PARTY THAT DID THIS IS SO FUCKING REAL AND AMAZINGLY DONE.

And it explains the name behind the 'Something'.

'Something' behind you did it. There's 'Something' behind you, isn't there.

'Something' all around us, that potentially being the truth comin' in.

When 'Something' ruined my photos, Basil repressing protecting Sunny by destroying the proof.

Just expertly done.

'Something' being repression of the memory and impending guilt. Dannnng.

36:26 - It's 24 hours after I beat the game as I type all this so here's a gag.

Here's the part where Basil beats some sense into his friend, because after this Sunny gets knocked out and wakes up 200% improved and ready to save Basil from his own guilt by releasing them both from the secret.

So basically Kel dragged us out of bed, then a couple days later Basil beats us up, and that's how Sunny gets better :^) Game Over.

38:46 - This fight made me feel utterly terrible, a highlight being the energy bar saying "Everything is going to be okay".

or at 40:17 - when Basil pokes out Sunny's eye and the screen does this? That's an underutilized but always awesome visual.

41:12 - I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD AT THIS POINT :)

Because just before entering Basil's home on this night you see his Grandma's ghost here. So seeing Sunny here told me "WELL. YOU FUCKED UP!"

42:25 - Like I said, beat some sense into Sunny.

Here's the mental side of things where Basil's beatin' told Sunny to go remember the good times and confront his inner self and I'm being partially facetious because there's plenty to say about what's coming up.

43:15 - Goosebumps every time due to the sincerity and hope of this.

43:40 - Hug for anyone needing that.

51:11 - I could cry again and I just might before this post is done being put together.

This accident was never meant to be.

55:09 - Timestamp is arbitrary, I won't go over every flashback but I do want to say what a beautiful way to use these photos. To relive the memories? To find the strength to overcome and all that? After all these years of suppressing memories? DANNNG I love this game.

1:04:09 - I stepped in poop.

1:04:15 - Barefooted.

1:04:22 - I embraced my failure.

1:12:00 - The violin.

1:13:00 - "The anxious feeling-" "They believed in you" "No matter what you didn't want to disappoint them" I'm filled with love and gonna cry about it.

1:14:00 - So an important theme in the game, as if it has just one, is Sunny suppressing emotions and demonizing himself.

Obviously the ending shows him breaking free from both but I think it's important as hell to look at how he builds up to being able to.

After all the dark moments show him as a bloodied monster, demonstrate a perceived lack of remorse for what he's done (as in he sees himself so poorly that he says "I must not have felt bad about it, I'm a monster", not that he actually doesn't feel bad about it, that he thinks he shouldn't because he's bad), have him stab dream Basil to protect his repression of the memory, the build up to breaking free from that is him remembering the good in him through the lens of his friends.

Both in the real world and in revisiting the memories within the photos.

He hears about the good in himself that he has pretended isn't there and finds the power to overcome this deadened shell he's made.

He learns how to forgive himself by finally remembering he's worthy of forgiveness and is more than his mistake, that even the person he grievously harmed would want him to forgive himself and would understand the mistake didn't define him.

1:15:15 - Just because you did something bad doesn't make you bad, to put it more eloquently than my rambles. He had to learn that.

1:19:20 - I've done this fight 4 times.

You may be wondering why 4 times, it ain't like I replayed the game a ton or anything.

The short of it is:

1) For the good ending :)

2) To see what happens if you go "up" in the hospital- it's a dead end- I assumed it'd be a bad ending. So I got the good ending again :)

3) For the bad ending.

4) FOR THE GOOD ENDING TO WIPE THE HORRIBLE FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH AWAY FROM THE BAD ENDING :)

In doing so I did get one layer deeper on the BG of Omori in the fight, here it is:

And I learned on the fourth run that the fight is simpler than I gave it credit lol, Cherish refills your juice, so there is no reason to use Encore. You can get to the end (and deeper more easily) by just using the triple attack and Cherish and Calm down when necessary.

1:29:00 - A summary of the fight is that it's extremely impactful emotionally, but very obviously isn't a "Fun fight". It's great mechanically and story wise for what it's trying to do :)

I'll just say it here: I'm surprised there wasn't an end-game "Omori" fight, you know, in dream world? Because combat is SO good in this. I am lead to believe that the Omori route where you never go outside in the real world has more bosses and zones and would fill what I just implied I wanted- but you're also railroaded into the Neutral endings which are both sad :(

And honestly? That makes sense and I applaud the decision :) Embracing the fantasy world for more 'fights' isn't exactly the path to recovery. Also and I know someone will be bothered I say this because *I'm* bothered I'm saying this- it makes sense since a big predecessor did the same thing lol.

Undertale Genocide has new bosses and a harder end game challenge (Sans) while being the worse ending, while the good ending has a flashy and story/emotionally impactful final fight that isn't as challenging because challenge isn't the point of the morals being explored.

I just bring it up because it's interesting, has a parallel, and after fighting Omori 4 times I really REALLY wanted to do an end-game fight in Dream World.

1:30:00 - forgive me as I cry again. goosebumps and more.

OH NO~!

DRAT!

So I use a cheap video editor and I use the free format of it which limits to 720p and I didn't think twice of it.

I recorded at max, but downgraded after editing.

At 720p you can't see the detail that made me break down crying!

At 1:31:55 Sunny's eyes go wider as he sees Mari as they finally get to experience the duet in this dream state (White Egret Orchid, this is real and happening, I'm taking this to my grave :'( ) he sees her smile and that smile made me break down, but in the 720 it's blurry :(

That's on me, I could have posted the scene raw in HQ but I didn't know it'd compress just enough to be invisible :(

still. that duet scene can make me cry on command. just because of that alone, but also the entire thing.

1:33:42 - Sunny breaks from his shell and feels his emotions again.

1:37:07 - I wish every game would end with a mirror to see yourself.

The 'Despite everything, it's still you' vibe just cements all the growth and experiences that have happened as so much more real when that happens. Bonus points because mirrors in Omori are a time bomb where you can be reminded of the guilt following you- and this one is safe. This one is pure and clean. You did it.

1:37:50 - As I said earlier, going up does nothing. Dead end.

1:39:00 - I have to tell you something.

Simple ending. And yet slams me like two trucks. I'm so proud.

1:41:00 - Post credits scene.

This is so heartwarming and their smiles are the purest thing in the entire world.

1:42:50 - BAD ENDING RECORDING.

All I'll say on that is the bad ending made me feel terrible inside. Give up, live in your bubble, and subconsciously end it all so you never have to confront reality again.

My gut felt heavy to be honest.

And the fact that THAT is when Bo En Time is played is INCREDIBLE.

Having the sky shift like that gave goosebumps and cemented my dread.

Just seeing it now has me feeling very poorly.

Okay. Video done.

Now for general thoughts.

First off this White Space cycle has been going on for YEARS with Sunny only getting worse as he suppresses things more and more and the reason he found the strength to overcome is because of his friends and I'm gonna yell about it.

THE REASON SUNNY IS BREAKING FREE CAN BE DIRECTLY POINTED AT KEL THINKING "FUCK IT, I'M ABOUT TO LOSE A FRIEND, AND I DON'T WANT TO"

And I just think that is sweet as hell. The strength was inside himself, but the problem itself caused Sunny to demonize and not trust himself- he needed someone to break him free and help convince him that he's not irredeemable. And boom.

The way this game handles Denial and even gives it physical form with the 'Something's that both Sunny and Basil harbor is just awesome.

I touched on it but combat in Omori is very, very good.

I've said it here and there as I played and I feel like going at length in the finale post is pointless because this isn't a review but to put it concisely.

Types changing mid-combat, the character archetypes being so well defined, the follow up system, combat in Omori is some top notch turn based RPG stuff.

Like up there with the greats, the timeless masterpieces. This is GOOD fighting. So it was surprising the good ending didn't emphasize it- I explained why that makes sense, but even still! It'd probably be lesser for it (as explained previously) but it's interesting they practiced that restraint for the message they wanted to send.

Repeatin' that Mari's smile in the recital made me cry. Burned in my brain.

I'm still surprised I got the post credits scene because I DID water the plants a lot but when the game showed me them all dead I assumed that was the fail condition.

I genuinely do want to try the Omori route some time down the road. I hope I get around to it.

I am slightly dissuaded just because the Omori route only gets the neutral endings which are not Good To Be Blunt :(

But I want to see what dream content there is and I hear there are other bosses!

Other small bits from my notes:

Replacing denial (the black bulb) with hope (the white bulb) was good as heck.

The imagery of the 'Something' is so top notch- using the shadow of her body combined with the piercing gaze of her single eye- MY GOD.

The fragility of life being so present- between memories of near death experiences, to the way in which Mari dies, to the ease at which either Basil or Sunny can end the game. It's tense and heart-wrenching.

The way the 'Something' behind Sunny almost always shadows over him like an ever present weight.

Tearful, hopeful, pure, kids enduring a guilt metric tons heavier than their bodies could ever handle and finally, finally moving beyond it.

I said more in a personal post, and I'll reblog that.

Honestly, just timestamping through the video took it out of me and got the point across.

Omori is a wonderful game.

It's definitely a favorite for me, high up there on my list.

Between the themes, the gameplay, the humor, the ending.

This is a good one.

And now I get to end having experienced all the care and love in this title, that's such a sweet thing.

Now I know this finale post is a mess, illegible even. I have gotten sloppier as I've begun embracing just 'experiencing and rambling' and perhaps my formatting with change yet again until I find something more easily shared.

Despite that. I want to thank any who popped in on this playthrough.

This was a good one, a highlight of the blog for sure- and I'm always happy when I see some people enjoying the absolute mess I toss online when I do one of these :P

So thank you for your time, and thank you to any ridiculous enough to read my nonsense here.

Have a good one :)

And just as expected I feel I've said nothing and barely touched the surface as the post-game-head of mine does a poor job lol. Even still :P

#RetPlays #Omori #Spoilers

[vole-mon-amour]

OTP tag game.

Tagged by @captainjowl. You know for sure than I'm struggling to pick only 10 & fit them in here. But hell, that’s fun, thank you <3

Rules: Choose 10 OTPs BEFORE reading the questions, and then get to answering

1) Harry James Potter & Sirius Orion Black

2) Daniel Le Domas & Grace (Ready or Not 2019)

3) Samuel & Nathan Drake (Uncharted 4)

4) Corvo Attano & The Outsider (+probably Emily Kaldwin; Dishonored series)

5) Steve Grant Rogers & Bucky Buchanan Barnes (Marvel)

6) Tony Edward Stark & Peter Benjamin Parker (Marvel)

7) Handsome Jack & Rhys (Borderlands video game series)

8) Damon Salvatore & Elena Gilbert (TVD Books & a tv show)

9) Batman & Joker (in every universe, really)

10) Adam Jensen x Francis Pritchard (Deus Ex video game series)

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

I believe it didn't hit me before Spider-Man: Homecoming. Civil War was about Steve & Bucky for me, but when I saw that growing up Peter with Tony, their dynamic, chemistry. Tom & Robert are really just like that.

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2?

Lmao. I've read like 50% of the tag on AO3, I wrote my own & started a few wips on them. They are amazing. Plus, with that shitty canon? We didn't get enough of them & they deserved better, so it's only logical to save yourself with fanfiction.

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver?

I was living with The Outsider icon on my twitter & tumblr. That one is still my Google profile picture I believe. Don't remember about having an icon with the two of them. Also had The Outsider as my lockscreen on my smartphone for a while.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be?

Funny how it fits canon, lmao. Rhys literally tried to erase Jack's AI in TFTBL, so I guess another day on Pandora, nothing new. They torture each other, they kiss each other, they kill other people in the process. It'll be fiiine.

5. Why is 1 so important?

I love them since the first time I met them, which was much more than 10 years ago, I don't even remember when. At some point they were the reason I was waking up & forcing myself to eat just to read more fanfiction & feel something. Even if I was drowning in pain (I was extremely depressed), it was still something. I read every fic I could find at that time. The depression that Harry went through, all these feelings, his love for Sirius. I was living through it, I could relate.

I'm currently drowning in these two again, though in a much healthier & happier state. I see their flaws & I know as much as I can. I see them differently as an adult. They saved me, they keep being my number one, I still consider making a tattoo of Padfoot/Sirius or of both Harry & Sirius together. I have many headcanons, ideas, I write fics about them. They are everything, you see? They were my choice when there was nothing, no one. They are HOME.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Both. There goes the dynamic of Jack & Rhys: torture, fighting, flirting, a lot of trauma. I'd definitely say that they are wild and comical sometimes, but they are definitely serious. With the Asylum, the mental health issues. There is so much more to it, the complexity of their relationship. The struggle of loving who you probably shouldn't (but hey, when does it work like that?) Thinking about Tettlate's Batman, about Batman: Europa & how Joker was: "You must be crazy, putting me in charge of the plan, letting me decide. Okay, well..."

Nah, they are entertaining, but this is a serious ship.

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

Are you kidding me? They are all the definition of CHEMISTRY. I'd say 5, but then go 2, 6, 7, 8. Come on. I'm not choosing. Most of they are WILD.

9. How many times have you read/watched the 10’s fandom?

The fandom itself? Idk. I found one of my favourite artists through this fandom. If it's about the characters themselves, I played the first game with the DLC from start to beginning, looking around every corner. Spent more than 60 hours in there. Watched a second game (my laptop can't run the game) and the DLC (obviously), since Francis is in the DLC & not in the main game. I have a tag for them on tumblr, I read fanfiction, I tried to write my own. I still follow Elias & want a third game. Elias liked my tweets about Adam and Jensen being an actual couple a few times. I'd say I interacted with all of this a lot? Still do, actually.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

5. Best friends since childhood, fought & died for each other, still found their way back to each other. "It would break your Captain's heart, to see what they did to you." That only the MENTION of Steve can pull Bucky out of this brain washing(ed?) state, distract him in the middle of a fight. When Steve died in the comics because of Sharon & Tony sent Natasha to take Steve's shield from Bucky because even Tony knew how much Steve means to Bucky. And Bucky was like: "Oh, I see what he did. Not happening!" Fought Natasha (that is his ex in the comics) & kept going for Steve's sake.

Well, you see the point, I can go on and on.

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up?

They're not actually canon so none? They had a few fights: In Civil war (the comics), in Homecoming (the movie).  That only means that they’ve got history & love each other.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

As fierce Grace is, they wouldn't stand a chance against Damon & Elena. Those two had to deal with worst thing than brainless stupid zombies. On the other hand, if there were no alive humans to drink their blood... It's either an animal diet that Damon hates so much or I don't know? Still, they're faster & more powerful. Their bodies have advantage of healing the wounds as well.

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

From some people, yeah. Don't tell Athena, don't tell Vaughn, don't tell Fiona. Though Rhys wasn't very subtle about it & Jack just doesn't give a fuck. You will probably end up dead if you disagree or bore him, or if you're useless.

"I can take you to the top, but you gotta know where the top is" & Rhys doesn't tell anybody until Jack makes him the President for like whole 20 minutes lol.

Fiona & Sasha: "This can't be happening." Sure it can, darling.

14. Is 4 still together?

I have a headcanon about The Outsider finding Emily & Corvo after Billie frees him from the Void. He doesn't have anybody & they are his only friends aside from a potential friendship with Billie. And if we don't consider TOTO dlc, they definitely are! The Outsider visits them both when they sleep & takes them to the void sometimes. How could he not?

15. Is 10 canon?

Not really but also sort of? Let's say that they really care about each other in canon, despite Adam pushing Francis away because of his trauma & fear that Megan caused him. :/

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Can you imagine wizards fighting extremely powerful vampires? Superheroes with venom in their bodies that make them super strong with people that made a deal with the Devil himself (hi Le Bail)? 5000 y.o. God and his lover that share his powers and an augmented human protecting his tired IT guy? Combine mental health issues to that, Jack and Rhys with Batman and Joker. Corvo & The Outsider would probably slay them all as Corvo and Emily did in both games with entire islands, though it will still be a slaughter anyway.

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship?

All the fucking time, lmaooo. I’m not even talking about it.

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

I feel like I already did with Steve & Bucky after many Marvel movies (we're not even mentioning Endg*me, I fucking died & was dead for full 4-5 months).

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page?

I used to do that a few years back, but not anymore. There is not much content since the trilogy is finished.

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

1 already went through it & fandom lives, so I'd say maybe 7? Rhys will find a way to bring Jack back & they are both so wild. It’s what happened in canon anyway. Jack kidnapped Lilith & forced her to do Angel's job, so I'd like to see that witch try at first. Jack is an immortal bastard. <3

Now that I think about it, Corvo would also deal with her in seconds as she waits to curse them.

As a conclusion: no one breaks up forever, we're killing the witch.

I tag: @ianmillkovichgallagher​ & @aledbr​

Whoever else wants to join the game, please do.

#otp #me #tumblr #harry x sirius #delena #corvosider #rhack #tony x peter #batjokes #jensard #steve x bucky #ready or not #drakecest

[kayesworld]

“MY FIRST BLOG!! ”

Hi guys welcome to My First Blog HIHIHI!! Before I start this Blog I want to introduce myself to you. I’m KAYELENE M. ZIPAGAN , 17 years old from BAGUTARI STO. TOMAS ISABELA. I’m born on June 17,2003. During my preparatory days I was enrolled at SANTO TOMAS BAPTIST CHRISTIAN SCHOOL After 2 years that I’ve been there, i learned lots and I really enjoyed my staying there knowing that I’ve met new friends.

When I’m entering in my first grade my parents decided to transfer me to BAGUTARI STO. TOMAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL without asking me, but one thing is for sure for me the school is walking distance from our house, aside from that idea the school is public and of course my parents think it would be better for me. And we can save money from my tuition and allowance compared to my old school. Years past, I’m questioning myself if I stayed at STBCS until my 6 grade I still the same person? knowing that school is Christian school and it is a non-sectarian. I didn’t me that I’m bad person what I’m questioning is the attitude and skills and I should develop years ago.

I finished my Elementary grade with a Latin honor it was a big achievement to me knowing that I’m on top I made my parents, relatives and friends Proud. Another battle to be surpass again, when I’m entering my junior high school at SANTO TOMAS NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL because one thing is for sure new teachers, new environment, new classmates and new beginning. I might say that junior high is quit thrilling compare to my grade school, I really don’t know how to deal with my classmates and 8 teachers a day. More competitions, quizzes, monthly celebrations to be celebrated but one is for sure I need to survive and pass the subjects because junior high school is just a stepping stones towards to my dreams and triumphs in life. I finished my junior high school with honor I didn’t achieve what I had reached during me grade school. I did my best but I think It wasn’t enough to get a high honor. I promise to myself that I should give my best among the best next time so that in the end I won’t regret and felt sorry for not reaching my main goal.

I always remind myself to follow my dreams and pursue it to uplift my family from poverty to provide their needs and wants, and to give a comfortable life. I hate seeing them suffering from emotional and physical pain. To be honest , when it comes to money we are not financially stable but my parents provide everything for me and siblings too.

At present my Senior high school, I’m currently studying at SAINT PAUL UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES (SPUP) taking up Accountancy business management (ABM) even we experienced world pandemic I won’t stop reaching my dreams, I need to finish it on time. I don’t need to prolong my agony with the things I hated most knowing that I have my main Goal to reach in time. I know I can do it through his guidance and power.

So, that is my introduction may we move now to the given questions of my E-tech Teacher Sir Carlos;

1. Where do I see myself 10 years from now? Is my learning in SPUP vital to where I’m leading to?

• I see myself 10 years from now as a Business Woman having a Cafeteria and Bar.

I also want to build my own Restaurant because I love cooking. I think my learning in SPUP vital is leading me to want I want to pursue in my life. They taught me to be a person who have faith and things that will help me in my future.

2. Was ABM the best choice after all?

• For me it's a yes because I made a best choice in my life to take that strand so when I'm in college I will not suffering so much more. I have a guide/experience in my Senior High that will help me a lot. So when I have a Cafeteria and Bar I can balance,analyze,record and so on.

3. What course will you take in college and why?

• The course will I take in college is between in Custom Ads/HRM. I want that course because I want to save some money to build my Cafeteria and Bar. HRM will help me in my Bar and Cafeteria soon. So I will do my part as a student to finished my course so I will achieved that someday.

4. What topic would you like to learn more in this subject?

The topic that I would like yo learn about this subject was about the technologies we have in this generation and in the past generation, their finctions and most of all their uses

5. What the corona virus has taught you about life?

• Corona virus taught lot of things about my life, just like we should trust God in every circumstance we face. It also taught me that we should help other person even in midst of pandemic. Corona virus taught me that take a good care of our self to maintain our body health. So that we didn't easy to get a virus.

We proceed now to My Second Blog. The title is “ REVIEW TECHNOLOGY ”.

So here we are in my blogpost 2 Guysss! The name is “REVIEW TECHNOLOGY" I will share the technology I picked. Hope you like it guys.

A computer is a machine that can be instructed to carry out sequences of arithmetic or logical operations automatically via computerprogramming. Modern computers have the ability to follow generalized sets of operations, called programs. These programs enable computers to perform an extremely wide range of tasks.

As we all know, education is a crucial on every individual because it is a key to success. This also improve every human personality. The learning system this year became online due to covid19. And by the use of computer/laptop we can access with this learning system. Computer has so much advantage and one of this is that, it improve our technical skill. However, there are also disadvantage of it, just like it can cause radiation, depression, headaches and etc.

Here's the Positive Impact of Computer:

Positive Impact of Computer. It facilitates business process and other activities. It makes the work simple and less time consuming. We can store so many information on computer which makes easy to handle the information for business applications. We can perform multitasking and multiprocessing capabilities of data.

CHARACTERISTICS OF COMPUTER:

MEMORY

AUTOMATION

SPEED

RELIABILITY

VERSATILITY

DILIGENCE

ACCURACY

MY THIRD - FIFTH BLOGPOST is “ FAVORITE MOVIE ”

“ THE HOWS OF US ”

Story of a couple Primo (Daniel Padilla) and George (Kathryn Bernardo) who are in a long term relationship and are already building and planning their future together. Their love will be put to the test as their relationship faces hurdles from misunderstanding to different career paths, among others. How will they save their “US” ?

George and Primo are schoolmates who fall in love to each other. She's preparing to get into Medical school and he's a Musician waiting for his band to hit it big. Together, in a house they inherited from George's aunt, they dream of great success and promise to support each other no matter what. But what happens when the dream of success doesn't come for one of them? Primo doesn't get the big break has been working for and turns into a difficult and arrogant artist who can't even help with the bills. Faithful George stays true to her promise to support Primo through it all. Until she reaches her breaking point and gives up. Dejected, Primo walks out and does not look back.

Years later, he comes back as a changed man. My question is George can still give him a second chance? And yes George gave that a second chance to prove Primo's self to her. After that, George go to her work and Primo go there to visit George. When George feel the presence of Primo she's turning her back to faced the man she's waiting for. George come near to Primo to hug him. Days past, they go to the Amsterdam to find the father of Darren Espanto but his father's died years ago. So after visit the cementery they're go to the Tulips Farm. Few days later, they go back in Philippines and Primo proposed to George.

1. What life lessons can be learned from the movie?

The lesson is relationship needs two person to make it work,in the movie Primo and George are working independently from each other. It's like having a pride that you need to do this and that I need to do this too. And we can see that they're not asking for help to each other especially in time of struggles. Also love isn't always rainbows, roses, puppies and relationship and isn't always a fairytale. If you go through some misunderstanding or fights and having a uncommon thinking or view always remember that it's not a sign that you didn't love each other

2. What part of the story told by the movie was the most powerful? Why?

For me, the most powerful line told by the movie it was Primo's line which is “ I may not found the reason to stay but I found the reason to comeback " because even though he doesn't know what really is his reason to stay, he still comeback without hesitation to his love one. It means that when you love, you don't need to have any reason to, you just need genuine to make the relationship work for the both of you.

3. Who was your favorite character in the movie? Why?

My favorite character is Kathryn Bernardo as George in the movie because she is a stronger woman and have a beauty inside and out. She is the woman who loved, got hurt and sacrifices but never gave up on her loved one and also to herself. Especially the one where she stand in the rain and deliver her powerful lines, “ And what makes that sorry different for all the others sorry before? Pagod na pagod na ako Primo ". I feel the pain when she said that because when you look at her eyes she's so much in pain.

4. Did anything that happened in the movie remind you of something that has occurred in your own life or that you have seen occur to others?

The movie reminds me about my past. You still choose to love that person even if you ses his worst,even when he tells you some painful words that you didn't expect from him. Love doesn't manifest when you're happy together but when you're suffering together. So, if you are in a relationship right now be aware if this lesson be grateful. If you're experiencing a struggles like this in your life it makes you stronger person and it's a test on what kind of person you're trul born in this world.

“ALONE TOGETHER ”

The film begins with Christine "Tin" Lazaro (Liza Soberano), a University of the Philippines Art Studies major and a part-time museum guide, touring high school students in The Philippine National Museum. During one of her tours, she meets Rafael "Raf" Toledo (Enrique Gil), a University of Santo Tomas as Biology student, and an avid fan of The Eraserheads. They first find themselves in a little clash debating the comparison of the museum's famous painting, and Raf's favorite song Spoliarium. First at odds, they soon begin dating and eventually entered a romantic relationship. Raf wants to pursue his dream of becoming a doctor while Tin aspires to be a museum director once they graduate from college, she also dreams to visit The MET and other museums in New York. They started a sweet and adorable relationship but they soon find themselves falling apart when Tin graduates from college. At Tin's first job in a non-government organization, she was accused of allowing her boss, Janice to steal their company's funds. However, she was saved by Gregory "Greg" Fausto (Luis Alandy), a coworker who likes her and believes that she is innocent. Owing to the heated and extremely stressful situation she is currently in, she breaks up with Raf much to her chagrin, when she learns that Raf was not able to graduate again on time, and is still stuck at preparatory medicine school. Raf initially proposes to Tin, to avoid losing her, but Tin refuses the proposal and leaves Raf for good.

Five years later, Tin is now in a relationship with Greg. She accompanies her boyfriend at the PICC for an awarding ceremony. There, she also sees Raf who is now a professional doctor, also receiving an award. Raf see Tin from afar and he meets her at the hallway of the complex and invites her to see each other sometime. As the two meet again at the same place where the two started their past relationship, Tin finally tells him that she broke up with him because of her problems at the company she previously worked in. After much realization, Raf receives a call from the hospital, needing his immediate presence to treat patients there. Tin accompanied him and there sees Raf working diligently and passionately at the hospital, taking notice of his personality change and that Raf is currently living his dream of being a doctor. While in there, Raf introduces Tin to Aly (Jasmine Curtis-Smith), a fellow doctor and his current girlfriend.

Tin is currently working for Greg's company and is well loved by her subordinates. She performs her job very diligently, but still does not feel the respect and recognition she deserves. She is shut by Greg, by not trusting her professional decisions and somehow forced to let a client criticize her working habits, despite having acceptable reasons. In one of their projects, Tin was sent to New York to present to a client. Tin pleads to Greg that she stay a bit longer to enjoy the city, Greg initially refuses, but allows her to go later on. Unbeknownst to Tin, Raf purchased a ticket flight to New York to join her. Both of them meet once again in New York to fulfill their dreams to visit The MET and other museums. With so much happiness in spending her days in New York with Raf, Tin also mustered the courage and realized that it may not be too late for her to start a career in the field she wholeheartedly desires, she get copies of application forms as souvenirs and as well as reminder that it may not really be too late for her after all. While fulfilling their dreams to see New York, Raf reveals that he broke up with Aly and wanted to marry Tin, she sadly rejects his engagement, stating that she would hurt Greg and his daughter Aisha (Xia Vigor) if she marries him which leads them to argue and to Raf's rejection. Upon returning to the Philippines, Tin discovers Raf reconnected with Aly and reveals that she was pregnant with Raf's child. Tin tries to move on and engages Greg in an enthusiastic conversation about her journey to the New York Museums, but Greg show little to no interest. She later expressed her thoughts about going back to the field she once worked for. They later clash in an argument when Greg forces her to be practical, and reminds her of her past mistakes she made in her previous job, stating that no one will accept her because of it. Greg further states that she is not working well enough. Greg entertains Tin's desire half-heartedly and tried to seek assistance from his connections to have Tin easily land a job in a museum, again not trusting Tin's capabilities as an individual professional. Hurt and now enlightened by the fact that Greg will never trust her life decisions, and that he sees her more as an employee more than his girlfriend, breaks up with him and decides to resign her post at the company. After talking and getting advice from her former college professor, Alwyn (Nonie Buencamino), Tin finally left her current industry to start a new life working for the art industry. At first, her past mistakes continued to hinder her applications being accepted, but she eventually found a job when a museum head told her that everyone can learn from their mistakes and change for the better. Tin begins a new job at the museum to chase her dream to become a museum director. She later visits Raf at the hospital and finally apologizes to him for being a coward and selfish while he too also apologizes to her for his rash behavior and being confused. He also reveals that his relationship with Aly did not work out as Tin shows her love to him as Raf happily leaves to get back on duty.

After the awards ceremony, she is visited again by Raf and finally reconciles their relationship. The film ends with Tin and Raf looking at Juan Luna's Spoliarium while he carries his son from Aly during their visit to the National Museum.

The Guide Questions:

1. What life lessons can be learned from the movie?

The life lesson that can be learned in this movie is you need to sacrifice your feelings to that person even he is the reason of.your happiness. It is the way p pursue the dreams you want in your life. All sacrifices you do is worth it because the both of you become professional. They have a people that they don't believe in you because of the mistake you did once in your life. Prove to them that you can do it and you have so much lesson in that mistake. You don't need to regret of meeting him because that person gave you a happiness and he's part of the memories in your life.

2. What part of the story told by the movie was the most powerful? Why?

Liza Soberano line when Enrique Gil propose to her but she rejected that which is “ Mahal kita Raf pero tama na ". She's tired of understanding Raf. Raf didn't pass his exam that time that's why Liza rejected him because Enrique promise to her that he will passed that exam no matter what. She believe in a promises and that promises mean to be broken.

3. Who was your favorite character in the movie? Why?

My favorite character is Liza Soberano as a “Tin” in the movie. She's a strong woman because even in her downs she's still have a faith to herself to continue her life for her family. For me, she's not a selfish person because she did that for the both of them. And now, we can see that Enrique Gil is now a Doctor and Liza Soberano is a Museum Director.

4. Did anything that happened in the movie remind you of something that has occurred in your own life or that you have seen occur to others?

Yes, the movie reminds me to the person that have a value in me. I always understand him but when it comes to the point that I'm tired because of his behavior. He always say that “ you didn't care about me am I right ". I said to myself just one more hurtful words I promise to let him go. I lost myself because pf begging someone to stay by my side. Just what Liza did, he let go Enrique even she love that guy. Enrique find other woman and have a kid. So I ask myself, what will I do if his not happy in my arms again? I let go the perso I don't want to lost and I said to him “ You can find now a better woman than me. I pray for your happiness ".

My Last Favorite Movie:

“ UP ”

Renowned explorer Charles F. Muntz says he has found a new species of giant bird at Paradise Falls, South America. However, archaeologists study the skeleton of the bird and conclude that Muntz fabricated it. Disgraced, Muntz vows to bring back a live specimen and will not return until he does so.

Youngster Carl Fredricksen meets Ellie. Both are aspiring explorers who idolize Muntz, and the two quickly become friends. Ellie reveals her dream to Carl about going to live by Paradise Falls. The two eventually get married and repeatedly save up for a trip to Paradise Falls, but always end up spending the money on more pressing needs. As an elderly man, Carl finally buys tickets for the trip, but Ellie falls ill and dies before they can go.

Carl continues living in the house he and Ellie fixed up, stubbornly holding out while the neighborhood around him is replaced by skyscrapers. When he unintentionally injures a construction worker, the developer trying to buy his place seizes the opportunity. The court deems him a public menace and orders him to move to a retirement home. However, Carl resolves to keep his promise to Ellie. Having worked his entire life as a balloon salesman, he turns his house into a makeshift airship by attaching hundreds of helium balloons to it and flies away.

Russell, a young Wilderness Explorer trying to earn his final merit badge for "Assisting the Elderly", becomes an accidental stowaway. Before Carl can drop Russell off, a cumulonimbus storm drives them all the way to South America. The house lands on a tepui opposite Paradise Falls. Carl and Russell harness themselves to the still-buoyant house and begin to walk it across the mesa, hoping to reach the falls before the balloons deflate. Russell encounters a tall colorful bird whom he names "Kevin", who is trying to gather food for her chicks. They then meet a Golden Retriever named Dug, who wears a special collar that allows him to speak, and who vows to take the bird to his master. The next day, they encounter a pack of aggressive dogs (also with special collars) led by Alpha, a Doberman Pinscher, and are taken to their master, the elderly Muntz.

Muntz invites Carl and Russell aboard his dirigible, where he explains to them that he is still searching for the giant bird he promised to bring back. Russell notes the bird's similarity to Kevin and Muntz becomes hostile, thinking they are attempting to capture the bird for themselves—he implies he has killed other visitors he suspected of doing the same thing. Carl and Russell flee with Kevin and Dug across a gorge, but Kevin is injured when Alpha bites her leg. Using the tracking device on Dug's collar, Muntz finds and captures Kevin, then sets fire to Carl's house, which pops many of the balloons. Carl is forced to decide whether to save his house or Kevin; he chooses his house, upsetting Russell. Carl finally parks the house at Paradise Falls, where Carl sadly looks through Ellie's childhood scrapbook and finds a final note thanking him for their "adventure" and encouraging him to have a new one.

Reinvigorated, Carl goes outside, only to see Russell flying away, using some balloons and a leaf blower, to try to rescue Kevin. Carl lightens the house enough for him and Dug to follow. Muntz captures Russell, but Carl and Dug board the dirigible and free both Russell and Kevin. Muntz pursues them around the airship and corners Kevin, Dug, and Russell inside Carl's house. They escape by jumping back onto the dirigible after Carl lures Kevin with chocolate; Muntz leaps after them, but gets caught on some balloon lines and falls to the ground far below. The house, having lost too many balloons, descends out of sight through the clouds.

Carl and Russell reunite Kevin with her chicks and fly the dirigible back home, taking all of Muntz's dogs with them. Russell receives his "Assisting the Elderly" badge and Carl gives him a bottle cap from a grape soda called "The Ellie Badge", the same one given to him by Ellie during his first encounter with her when they were children. Carl then becomes a grandpa-like figure to Russell. Unbeknownst to Carl, his house lands on the cliff beside Paradise Falls, fulfilling his promise to Ellie.

Guide Questions:

1. A house is a home when it is filled with love, You’re never too old to achieve your dreams, Stay true to yourself and what you believe in and It’s the people that matter in life, not the things.

2.the most powerful part of the movie was when the old man finally achieve their dream. To see the falls but apparently it is only him who it... For me this is the best and powerful part cause achieving something you dreamed of is the best thing to happen in our life.

3. My favorite character was the old man... Cause even if his too old and her wife died he just continue to reach for their dream.

4. The happening in the movie that i encounter was achieving my dreams

[writingsbycookie]

Save Me • Prologue {bts x reader}

summary: When everything (Y/N) did in her life was to live for her parents, never doing anything for her own happiness, the pressure becomes too much and she finds herself on a bridge, ready to jump. But someone saves her.

genre: angst, romance, slightly smut.

warnings: mentions of depression / suicide / suicidal thoughts / self harm, possibly smut in next chapters.

pairings: min yoongi x reader, jungkook x reader, park jimin x oc, other bts members x reader ( platonically ).

words: 1.477

masterlist

Please keep in mind, English isn't my first language and this isn't edited yet. Also, let me know if you'd like another part of this!

" All my life I wanted one thing : to make my parents proud. They didn't have the chance to live the life they wanted. My mom and dad were young when they got married and had my sister. My mom was just 19. She never had the chance to go to university or even finish highschool. They had me eighteen years later, when they were older. Since I was a baby they've raised me to be perfect : go to church with them, have the best grades, don't date until you finish school, give up art and go be a doctor. And that's what I did. My whole life - I gave it to them. To mom and dad. So I could live in order to make them happy. They gave up their dreams for my sister and then later for me. I had to make them happy. But then...how did I end up here? One jump away from ending my life."

(Y/N) cried softly as she climbed on the railing of the bridge, her mind already made. She was 21 years old and sick of the life she lived, even if her life didn't even begin. No, that wasn't her life. It was the projection of everything her parents wanted for her. But it wasn't her life. What she wanted. Or what could be.

She graduated highschool, the first in her class. She got a scholarship at one of the best schools that was in South Korea, Ajou University. She even learned korean so she could attend. Hell, her best friend even moved with her so she wouldn't be alone. The two girls lived together for three years now in Suwon,a place they both loved, truly. Really close to Seoul itself. Things seemed great, right? Wrong.

How did (Y/N) - the cheerful, happy and positive young girl end up on a bridge by the river, where cars were passing by fast, while her feet were trembling on the railing as she was saying her last goodbye to the world.

When did everything turn to shit? Maybe it was that one time in middle school when she had to pick an highschool, she was in the 8th grade and a few months away from having to apply to a highschool.

(Y/N) chose an Art School, but her parents didn't approve. So she went to another one she despised for four years.

Or maybe it was when she was 17 years old and found out about Ajou University - a far away place from her home in Europe, so she decided that she would study hard, apply and then move there. This time her parents approved, since it was a medical school. Her heart was already shattered, so it wasn't a problem that she had to follow an University she didn't really like.

"Medical school will give me an opportunity to help others, so this way I won't waste my life, " was what she said the day she finished highschool and her korean classes.

She was 18 and ready to move out, countries away, to study medicine just to make her parents happy. Of course, (Y/N) got lucky as her best friend - Asha, moved there with her. The girl was one year older and already fluent in both korean and japanese, so she took that as an opportunity to move to one of her favorite places.

Even so, (Y/N) never once complained about her life, her struggles, her every day depression. No. She just kept going and smiling and doing everything for her parents. Because they deserve to be happy, even if she wasn't.

They gave up their dreams for her, it was only fair she did the same. That's what (Y/N) always told herself.

Now, after three years of university, (Y/N) couldn't do anything to stop the suicidal thoughts that were clouding her mind lately.

Everything was too much. The studying was taking up most of her time, even if she and Asha lived together they rarely talked or even seen eachother, she had no other friends, she lost touch with her older sister, her parents weren't pleased with her life yet.

She felt like a failiure.

And failures don't deserve to live anymore.

"I'm sorry, mom and dad, I know I've messed up bad. I should've done b-better," (Y/N) cried one last time before jumping forward, but before she could feel the wind surrounding her whole body or the adrenaline or the panic, a hand grabbed her wrist pulling her back up.

"No, no, n-no, " the girl sobbed loudly as she felt her legs touch the solid ground as a pair of arms wrapped around her body, holding her close, " Why would you fucking do that? I was finally going to be free!"

The girl continued to cry and shout, trying to push away the man who just saved her life - even if she didn't see it that way,

(Y/N) just tried to push him away, failing to see the other six figures that came out of the van, the only one that stopped at the end of the road.

They all looked worried at the small frame of the girl, lying on the ground while someone else tried to comfort her. But it didn't work. She hated that person. Why did he have to ruin her chances at being free?

" Why?" she stuttered, unable to control her cries, "Why didn't you let me d-die?I just wanted to die, " (Y/N) muttered once more before all the exhaustion and pain caught up to her, making her eyes close and her body go numb in the arms of her mysterious savior.

─┄┄ ⁺˳✧༚˚♕

It was one exhausting day for Min Yoongi, seeing as he and his band mates ( or more likely his family now ) had practice early in the morning, then had to go and shoot a video clip for the promotion of the new album they had to put out for the world and their faithful fans.

Now, already being extremely late, they were going back to Seoul. The van was really quiet. The younger ones sleeping in the back, while Jin and Hoseok were chatting between themselves.

Namjoon, the one sitting besides Yoongi, was lost in the music he was listening to. So that left Yoongi admire the landscapes they passed by.

And as everything around him was quiet, he couldn't help but relax. Even if everything inside him hurt and he didn't eat anything that day, somehow Yoongi was feeling good. He did his best at work today, he was pleased. Happy. In a weird way that most people wouldn't understand.

Somehow, lately his life has been so good. He felt grateful for everything he had and everything the band accomplished.

Min Yoongi was truly happy. And nothing couldn't bring him down now. That's what he thought. But when the van passed by a bridge, the last one before exiting Suwon, his breath hitched. And his mind went blank, Yoongi wasn't even aware when he yelled at the driver to stop the car.

"Yoongi, what the hell?" Hoseok yelled after his friend as Yoongi quickly got out of the van and ran across the street, making a few cars stopped to honk at him, the drivers cursing loudly.

Hoseok's eyes widened when he noticed Yoongi's hand grab someone else's. Someone who jumped from that bridge. Gulping the man woke up the other three guys, " Let's get out, something bad happened, " he muttered as Jin and him were the first ones to get out of the van, walking in Yoongi's direction.

"No, no, n-no, " the girl sobbed loudly as she felt her legs touch the solid ground as a pair of arms wrapped around her body, holding her close, " Why would you fucking do that? I was finally going to be free!"

Yoongi only tightened his grip on her when he heard the words she spoke. Oh, how familiar was he with that phrase.

I was finally going to be free.

That's what he also told himself, years ago when he wasn't in a good place and he contemplated suicide himself. He was in the dark place, hell, he hit rock bottom. Just like the girl that was trembling in his arms.

He wanted to tell her that eventually things will be better, that death wasn't going to be the answer, but from her next words Yoongi felt her hatred. And he understood. A little too well. Shortly after, her body relaxed as she passed out in his arms.

"Yoongi?" a voice whispered from behind him. Just like (Y/N) he failed to notice the other silhouettes behind them. Sighing, he got up, carrying the girl in his arms, bridal style.

" I'm not leaving her here, so let's go home, please. "

#bts x reader #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi #jungkook x reader #jungkook #park jimin x oc #park jimin #fan fiction #one shot #depressing #oof