#but I am proud of myself and I can appreciate like 90% of the art

[zytes]

Hello, have you talker about your art process anywhere? I am very interested in how you got into glitch art/photomanipulation/however you’d call this, and i want to learn more. Do you have programs you use, plugins, do you use any physical media or scanography/scanner manipulation? I really want to hear about anything you wanna talk about regarding the creation process for your art. Thank you for sharing your work.

Yes! Unfortunately, I tried answering this question in a ton of detail but tumblr didn’t save it as a draft automatically - which was a frustrating experience to say the least - so this is my second attempt at answering this ask — you’ve asked a lot of really valuable questions here, I’ll do my best to be concise in my answers!

When I first began playing around with editing software, I was 16 and simply wanted to make memes and silly edits. This was around 2015-2016, whenever vaporwave was a fresh concept and Resonance was trending on Vine — which is a sentence that makes me feel fucking ancient. I was really entranced by vaporwave, which had this off-white nostalgia for post-consumerist 80s and 90s cultural trends. I later became interested in how many of those cultural trends persisted and evolved into Y2K culture and beyond.

these are some of the images I was working on during that period of time, which were loosely inspired by indie horror and jazz cups and soundcloud rap. I was so proud of learning how to make my own scanlines using GIMP :)

Late 2016 I began my freshman year at a hoighty-toighty art school that I was too poor to attend, and quickly entered a mental health downward spiral — but I learned many valuable things, most of that info was painfully basic; my education prior to that was not anything special. I would not consider myself someone with exceptional aptitude for art — I just have a chronic compulsion to break things.

So, where to begin? My recommendation to anyone who’s newly interested in this style of artwork and editing:

Glitchet is a repository of info regarding many different styles and methods of distortion - from sonification to slipscans, there’s a ton of good info to comb through. Most of the techniques and tools covered are free to use, but there is some paid stuff out there too - but if you know your way around, virtually everything is free. More on that shortly :)

As for my process, programs, plugins, etc - there is a lot, and I don’t think I can cover everything. Primarily: Photoshop, After Effects, GIMP, ArtStudio Pro for iOS, Procreate, DestroyPix, and a number of other pieces of software that perform smaller, specific functions - such as BigJpg for AI-upscaling. I also employ analogue/physical distortion techniques like circuit-bending, slipscan, and more. These require additional hardware and knowledge; such as access to a copier/scanner, old CRT screens, and the ability to solder + work with low voltage electronics without accidentally shorting them out. Best part is that you can ✨layer✨ anything and everything, collage style — which is my favorite aspect, very playful and exploratory.

Now, if you’re like me and can’t afford fuck-all, but wholeheartedly believe that money should not be a limiting factor for creativity, I recommend installing the Adobe Creative Suite from downloadpirate(dot)com - which is also where I’ve gotten many of my plugins, although I do also pay for the plugins that I come to really appreciate, as they’re typically done by independent developers who could actually use the scratch. Same risks as any pirate cove: intrusive ads, popups, and redirect chains - use Ublock Origin to kill these annoyances. I recommend performing a scan with Malwarebytes after using any sketchy-looking-download site, but I was raised to be a bit paranoid so that’s purely preferential.

As for plugins:

Filenames in this image may correspond with the developer of the plugin — you can just search the filename + ‘after effects plugin’ and you’ll almost certainly find your way.

Most commonly, I use Pixelsorter, Pixdither, Displacer Pro, Pixel Stretch, and Hacksaw — although some of the plugs that I use aren’t listed above, like Datamosher, which is a script-based solution that helps remove i-frames from a clip in After Effects, all without having to use VLC and any handwritten scripts (the ol’ fashioned way).

These are all from the last year or so, to show the relative growth I’ve experienced since my time spent as a creature of 16 years. Naturally, I’m also like, more of a person now - so the art is partly better because I’ve simply suffered more :p

When I started, I didn’t know any of the jargon or how to describe a specific effect I was trying to achieve - so I taught myself how to do stuff by googling around, and if I couldn’t find an answer (which was 90% of the time) I’d just try to figure shit out. Which rarely ever resulted in outright success, but was always a significant learning experience. That’s why I’m so quick to drop the link to Glitchet! Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what I’d be doing now if I had known there was an online library for info on how to produce different types of distortions - definitely would’ve spent less time trial-and-erroring my way through aesthetics.

In conclusion: there’s so much to try and you should try absolutely everything that interests you. It’s free if you’re cool enough to steal it; though some things (like hardware) are gonna cost. You don’t need talent or an exceptional education, though both of those things would certainly help — and you’ll never run out of things to learn because there are infinite ways to break shit. More so than anything else, you need a willingness to explore, experiment, and fail often. You’ll fail miserably at times, so a proclivity for humiliation is also a big plus. Eventually your failures will start looking like successes; but you’ll have forgotten the difference by then and will be free to make whatever the fuck you want :)

I’m glad that you enjoy the work! tumblr has always been the best place for me to share my lil jpegs and actually find a real sense of connection with others who are similarly jazzed. My life completely bottomed-out a few years ago and I was in a really bad place whenever I logged into my blog for the first time in half-a-decade and started posting again. My personal growth from then to now has been a strange and incredible experience, and I’m so glad that I had the art and the funny little gays on this website to help me through the toughest points and teach me valuable things about myself; so if I can give back a little knowledge, I’ll gladly take that opportunity! I hope these findings serve you as well as they’ve served me.

#my asks #THANK YOU!! #I hope this is formatted in a way that is easy to read - clarity and concision are not my strongest skills #godspeed! #documentation #reference

[nananarc]

Alright so I know I'm a month late to this Art Summary thing, but I'm Vietnamese, and we don't consider the year to end until Lunar New Year (which in here we call Tết holiday). And today, is in fact, the true last day of 2022.

The pic in January feels like years ago actually. I felt like I'm a completely different person compared to back then, both in art and in life. As in, a more skilled and mature person (i hope?), but also beaten up and without all the high hopes and energy that I used to have. I guess it's a funny coincidence that I ended the year with that artwork depicting that particular scene in Truyện Kiều (The Tales of Kieu). She's beautiful, singing songs and citing poems, but in a whorehouse, trapped and melancholic. Well, I can't compare my life to hers. But I'm at that stage of life where it might seem like everything is doing ok but the ground under my feet is rumbling and cracking but no one else can see it.

I feel like "I have been getting it wrong, Father", quote Fleabag, and that probably reflected in my art a bit. At this point I'm just living for that momentary trance / manic / whatever you wanna call it that art is capable of sometimes putting you in.

I might sound all sad and shit and, well yes I am crying and basically a pink fur ball of anxiety as I write this, but I will be relatively fine. So, in order to remind myself of all the good shits that happened despite it all, I'll put a list of them under the cut. Mindful and all that shit, yeah?

No expectation or wish for the next year for me.

But Happy Lunar New Year, everyone! :)

Go by exclusively they/them now and even though I'm still navigating through this identity, I felt gender euphoria when, in eng speaking space, people start to refer to me with the right pronoun.

I still don't make much money, with only 1-2 commissions/month, and most months without any order. But all of my clients were such good people (well except for one, bitch turns out to be crazy as shit but not to me lmao, she was still fulfilling her end of the bargain), they are also good friends, and I love them dearly. They all gave me so much support and care through everything.

I tried edibles, ate a bit too much, was tripping balls so hard I had a disco dance game in my head but with 90s graphics and the characters are all of my worst anxieties. Also had that glitchy, time skipping, reality bending experience. It was all very fucking awesome. Not gonna do that again tho lmao.

Visited the MOCA in Bangkok and reignites the love I have for art.

Realized I am asexual and it was extremely freeing. I thought lewd thoughts more than I have ever been because of that ahahaha XD

Start to embrace the fact that I'm probably neurodivergent.

Got really good at making mods of the Cyberpunk 2077 game and I'm really proud of my works.

Finally got to treat one of the health problems that have been plaguing me for years.

Had some really fun hangout with my dear friend over a drink at small, low-key pubs. She used to refuse to even touch a drop of alcohol because all her experiences with it left too at an impression. Now she drinks for me if I can't finish my cocktail.

I bought 2 traditional dresses and I love them dearly.

Busted a bitch's fake ass for stealing art. That was fun because no one even realized the extend to how shameless that shithead was. But even then, I still have no hate ask, that is kinda a bummer tho lol.

I talked more to my classmates and even though I still don't really vibe with them that much, I appreciate them more now.

Starred in an indie movie. Wasn't a particularly fun thing the whole time, but it was an experience nevertheless.

Got more daring about my makeups.

#learn to be kinder to oneself please na #art summary #cryptic na posting

[nameification]

ALSO 1, 3, 5, 7, 14, 16, 27, 28, 30 for the artist asks? :)

1. Art programs you have but don't use

mmm krita and... well I have the entire adobe creative cloud at my disposal but I just. don't. honestly nowadays I've been doing a lot of my stuff traditional with just like. my sketchbook and my favorite pen but for digital I will use csp.

3. What ideas come from when you were little

...so I had this character. Merivette. right. she is like. the archetype for most of my focus characters for most of my stories and her original thing was that she was an scp doctor that did dimension fuckery (like 507) but then she just became like. idk she became part of the vivienne character archive mythos ig

5. Estimate of how much of your art you post online vs. the art you keep for yourself

OMYGOPD FUCKING. I'd say a good 70-80% I don't post ??? maybe upto 90-95% ??? that'll probs drop down to like. 35-50% if I start learning how to use insta but since I can't exactly work easily at fucking school I barely post stuff I would think looks good enough for my tumblr. ye I mentioned insta but that is specifically gonna be like. doodle dump

7. A medium of art you don't work in but appreciate

FIBER ARTS!! fiber arts, 3d modelling and traditional painting. god. what I would give to have skills and knowhow for 3d modelling. this is reminding me to get back into bookbinding and scrap booking sajosdf

14. Any favorite motifs

... stars. I mean obviously with my current brainrot being like. about the skies and the stars and the things beyond and b elow the earth of course stars. eyes too ig but like. kind of a given

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

landscapes and comics. comics I can't will myself to drawing something over and over and having to make it look decently polished. landscapes I just fret over the details too much. getting more used to comics and the likes specifically cause. yknow. I wanna make animatics

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

OKAY SO I love just. doodling random shapes as warm up. and then also I will like. doodle a bunch of stuff related to said character on a separate page and maybe some small doodles of the character. specifically for the shapes I'll do different directions of hatching for them and in areas where shapes intersect I'll make it kinda like a cross hatching thing

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

uhhh not really ? They're usually around the time I get burnt out or am buusy. like you know I tried artfight but that literally started around the same time as my school year. and then the school is also hosting a zine but they started it during fucking hell week so they extended the deadline but I do not have any full illustrations at the ready so maybe like. next year or maybe I rush something up idk

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

with all the art I am currently proud of rn I think just the character design refs that I have up for asotfs. you can see a change in how I draw in the ones I have but I like them. I do not post art often .w.

#viv.txt #the mailbox #ask game #ehehehe #my art blog should be linked like. somewhere I'm pretty sure

[lycorogue]

For your ask game... 7, 13,15 and 16!

Livrever! You're just as bad as @cyhyr! You should also be well aware of my wordiness! Welp. Looks like I'm dusting off that good old Long Post hashtag again today. 😂

[Fanfic Writer Ask Game Questions]

7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of?

By far the headcanon (which became a story) that I'm proudest of is the origin story of the lucky charm bracelet Marinette gave Adrien in "Gamer."

She already had it on-hand, and she didn't seem to have made it specifically to gift to Adrien. She even said he could "borrow" it, but never got it back. I think the charm bracelet was a spur of the moment decision to try to cheer him up and build up his confidence. When I was a kid, my mom gifted me various inspirational cards and worry stones to help me through finals and remind me that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. It felt fitting that Marinette's parents would do something similar, and THAT is where the bracelet originally came from.

If you want to read the full headcanon-inspired story, you can find it here: Build Your Own Luck

I love this headcanon so much I'm making sure to work it into my "I promise, I'm still working on it" WIP One and the Same.

Honorable Mention for favorite headcanon would be the headcanons I came up with for my Plagg-centric/Plagg-Appreciation story Forever in Darkness. In particular, my headcanon that Plagg was Aladdin's "lesser genie of the ring" from the 1001 Arabian Nights tale. I basically had that headcanon since I first saw Origins and Plagg mentioned meeting a genie before.

(Also, ya know, I still consider my first completed multi-chapter story Peeping Tomcat my magnum opus... so... yeah... proud of that one too)

13. When did you start writing fanfic?

I've been dabbling in fanfic pretty much ever since I understood what fandom was. When I was in elementary school I would create a whole series of X-Men OCs (only to discover a decade or so later that nearly every OC I thought of is already a canon X-Men character, they just never made the cut for the 90s cartoon).

In middle school and early high school (so roughly ages 12 through 15), I created a self-insert Batman OC (and love interest for Dick Grayson's Robin). She was Selena Kyle's niece that moved in with her. She struggled between excitedly being her Aunt Selena's apprentice as a cat burglar, and using those skills to be a hero with Batman and Robin. I can't recall the character's name anymore, but she went by the alias Black Panther (because that was my school's mascot and I'm a nerd like that).

About the age of 16 or 17 I joined my first play-by-post role-play game where I played Harley Quinn. It didn't last long before the game master went to college and the whole thing fell apart.

Then there was a fanfic dry spell. I did work on original works almost constantly from the age of 10 straight through to college. Then I had a college professor that more-or-less broke my creative writing spirit, sadly. I still wrote for video production classes and scriptwriting classes, but I didn't write anything recreationally for over 5 years.

Then, in 2009 I got back into the "Hey, Arnold!" fandom. August 2010 I wrote my first fanfic for the fandom. It would be the first fanfic I would ever publish online. I've been working on fanfics again ever since. 😁 (if you don't want to read the story on FFN, you can find the import over to AO3 here)

15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of?

As I said before, I still think of Peeping Tomcat as my magnum opus. It is the longest story I've written. It is the first multi-chapter story I was able to actually complete. There are a lot of moments in that story that I just love to reread myself. It's the first story I've written that I felt compelled to write a sequel to (sadly, said sequel, One and the Same, has been stubborn the past 4 years and won't properly form, so that's still a WIP). It's the only ML fanfic I've published that has inspired fanart (but it's not my first fanfic ever to inspire art. That honor goes to my sadly abandoned HA! fanfic What is Truly Meant to Be). Plus, I got to emotionally torture poor Adrien, but also give him a happy ending.

Runner Up, I think, would have to be Prescription for Love, which is my interpretation of what Adrien did off-screen during the season 3 episode "Backwarder." A lot of my reviews have stated how much people loved Kagami in that story despite not particularly enjoying her canon characterization at that point in the series. Plus, Adrien is an oblivious little mush.

Honorable Mentions to the aforementioned Build Your Own Luck as well as my first Christmas-themed story Woven Heartstrings. I am still amazed at how perfect the gifts are for all of the characters, and I was the one who thought of them!!!! Plus, I've had a surprisingly large number of kudos/comments on that story outside of the holiday season, so it must really resonate with people even outside of December. Final Honorable Mention goes to the aforementioned Plagg-Appreciation story Forever in Darkness.

16. What fanfic tropes do you avoid writing for?

Goodness. I actually don't write for tropes. Not really. I aim more for "how close to a legit episode can I make this story?" or just general "This plot bunny showed up and I guess I'm nurturing it now???"

I don't know if I even KNOW all of the basic fanfic tropes....

If I used the This or That (Fanfic Edition) game as a guide, I think the tropes off of that list I'd avoid would be:

Flower Shop AU - I don't know much about flowers for that to be worth trying

Historical AU - I am TRASH at historical anything... although I'm a HUGE steampunkest... go figure

Major AU reworks in general - I am perfectly content snuggled into the canon. I like this show for a reason. And I like fanfic because the world building has already been done for me.

Crack??? - I don't have anything against crack. I quite enjoy it. I just... I'm not creative enough to come up with something so bonkers????

Whump - Not intentionally, at least. I almost never go into a story with the goal to torture the characters. That just... kinda... sorta... happens??? Sometimes???

Enemies to Lovers - I ADORE this trope, but I don't know if I could ever manage to write Adrien/Chat Noir as Marinette's/Ladybug's enemy nearly as masterfully as the other works already out there. Especially when some of my "competition" includes Discordant Sonata by @edendaphne and Curiosity and Satisfaction by @imthepunchlord.

Whew! This was even longer than the 4-question ask from Cyhyr! You ladies sure do know how to get me to talk. 😁

Thanks so much for the ask! Anyone else interested in getting to know more about me and my writing style? Feel free to drop me those asks. 😁

#writing #livrever asks #LycoRogue answers #fanfic writer asks #ask game #Tumblr games #please ask me things #long post #Livrever made me use that dang hashtag again! #XD #LycoRogue original #get to know my writing style #get to know me #get to know a fanfic writer #watch me gush #edendaphne writing #imthepunchlord writing

[ddaengyoonmin]

Faerie Realm 13.5

Pairing: Ot7xReader; currently mainly Jungkook x reader with past Jimin x reader and future other members. ;)

Genre: fluff, angst, smut(In previous and later chapters)

Theme: Based kinda on sword art online a lot of similar ideas and themes kinda combining the idea of them trapped in the game, but the world is closer to ALFheim online

Warnings; Drunken bar argument with threats and mentions of killing. 

Word count: 1.2k

Taglist: (I definitely think I missed some of you and some usernames were changed from my last list😭  so im sorry if this is all wrong lol.  I am doing away with taglists for the most part but ill keep on for faerie realm if anyone wanted to be tagged let me know) : @taekookandyoongi @life-anime-food @i-like-puppy-mg @seesawsmin-flower @karissassirak @btsvisuals @vynia

A/N: Okay it's been months but Faerie Realm is back y'all! So let me explain myself.  Faerie Realm is my baby, and this series is FAR from done.  But, I got stumped, really bad lol  The way I ended the last chapter I honestly didn’t have a plan on where to go to transition to what I wanted to happen next, and I didn’t totally know what to do for the boss fight scene.  So, I hope we aren’t mad about this but there is a time jump happening.  

This chapter is called 13.5 because I wanted to have an explanation of what went on in our characters lives during the months that pass between chapter 13 and 14. 

Thank you to those who still send asks about Faerie Realm, and to the new readers who I see binging through the series in my notifications.  I love you all and appreciate you patiently waiting for this update of my ridiculous fic I love so much. 

The boss battle had gone smoothly, without a hitch.  Yoongi and Namjoon’s fire attacks were extra effective against the type of creature that was in the cave, and many other groups had joined in to take it down. 

You and Hoseok were thanked and rewarded by quite a few of the other groups for your healing you’d done for their team during the attack.  Though you insisted you didn’t need to be compensated you both wound up with quite a lot more gold in your inventory than you’d started with. 

You didn’t feel like you needed to be rewarded though.  You did heal quite a few people from other teams,but there were quite a few times where you knew you could’ve been healing another team’s member, yet, you were too scared to take both your hands away from Jungkook.  Memories of the attack in the woods where you’d almost lost him running through your mind. 

After defeating the boss, a giant glowing blue portal with white flecks swirling around in circles like dye dropped into water appeared.  It sat in the back of the cave where the boss had spawned.  

The first team to go through wasn’t your own.  Jungkook had held your team back, skeptical of the newly spawned portal, saying it wouldn’t hurt to let someone else test it out first. 

Almost instantly the guinea pig team as you’d all called them, a group of all Fire Fairies, returned back the way they came.  They gave it the all clear, and upon realizing this really was the portal to level 2 the surviving players of Faerie Realm started to pour in to the next floor. 

There were those players who chose to stay back in the starting village, not many but a few.  It was mostly those who had been too scared to leave it in the first place.  

A lot of people made fun of them and many whispers and harsh words were passed around by the other players. 

“Why should we be out here risking our lives for players that aren’t going to even help.”

“You know this game has limited resources right? Certain things don’t respawn and yet here we are sending food back to the main town.” 

That sentiment tied in to an even darker one floating around the groups. 

“We should just kill the players not helping out.  All they are doing is being lazy, and taking resources we need to live.” 

Upon hearing that spoken in a bar on floor two Jungkook had stood up on his table, well drunk, but speaking clearly. 

“Say that again.” He growled, now looking down at the group of Sylphs that had been drunkenly muttering those words far too loud. 

The tallest of the men turned around to Jungkook, staring up at him unphased. 

“I said, we should get rid of all the leeches in Main Town, who sit around on their ass all day while *we* get our ass’s kicked down into the red to get us all out of here.” 

Jungkook paused for a moment. 

“You think that they wouldn’t help if they could?” He asked, “You don’t think that they wish they were out here helping.  Some of those people back there have never played an MMO in their life let alone even picked up a video game, and you expect them to be out here doing what you’re doing?” Jungkook hissed. 

“Ah bullshit, we all know your girl started out as a first time player, word gets around.  I don’t see any excuses for them not just putting in the effort like she did.” The green haired man rolled his eyes. 

Jungkook now jumped down from the table, you had gasped for a second thinking in his drunkenness he’d fall but he landed smoothly in front of the man, their chests now almost touching. 

“You think just cuz one exception happens that means anyone can just do it huh? That everyone has the resources and opportunities and people to coach them through the game? 90% of those people back in Main would die the instant they stepped foot out of the safe zone.  Those are people’s families.  People’s moms who decided to pick up the game to try out before giving it to their kid for their birthday.  So fuck you.  I’ll fight to get them out of this game.  I’ll fight to get us all out of this game.  If you’re just doing this for yourself you might as well just fly into a dragon's mouth and get fucked…” 

“Ohhhh kay.” Taehyung was now pulling Jungkook away from the fuming sylph who was now turning beet red and pursing his lips together so tightly you thought he’d pull a muscle. 

You were proud of Jungkook though, his attitude had greatly changed from when this all had first gone down.  He’d gotten less selfish, more caring, he was a hero in this game. 

You on the other hand found yourself turning opposite.  The longer you stayed in this game, the more you cared just about you and your team getting out of this alive than anything else. 

It wasn’t easy knowing how to feel.  You certainly wouldn’t go around talking about killing the townspeople of main though.  Some people in this game were just vile, not far off from the real world. 

--------------------------

In the months after the boss battle that led your team to floor two, you’d grown close with all of the boys.  Your newest additions Yoongi and Hoseok had stuck around the whole time and there was no doubt this was your permanent group. 

You and Hoseok had especially grown close, being that the two of you shared the rare trait of being a water fairy you’d often get grouped together when doing raids so that you could use a series of double team healing spell moves that you’d come up with together. 

He was honestly becoming your best friend. 

Things with Jungkook had stayed the same, you loved him, and he loved you. 

Jimin and you still kept each other at an awkward distance, but the months spent every day together had certainly healed much of the strain between the two of you.  

Though Jungkook never quite fully got on board with being fond of Jimin, he was kinder to him and things had been civil. 

Namjoon and Yoongi became quick friends over similar reasons to you and Hoseok, a shared set of skills made for some great bonding moments. 

Jin you’d gotten to know better, realizing there was an extremely funny and entertaining man under the fear that he’d had for so long was one of the highlights of your time here.  

Growing closer to all of them was such an odd gift you’d gotten through this life or death game.  

----------

--(Snippet from chapter 14 :D) 

“Y/n?” Taehyung called out from behind the almost unreal blue veil of water separating the two of you. 

“I’m still here…” You spoke quietly.  Not quite sure how to respond to his confession. “I just don't know what to say.  Jungkook is…” 

“I know.” He cut you off.  

You couldn’t see him well, you wanted to just push through the water and run over to him, shake him, ask him why the hell he thought it was okay to say this to you now. 

“I just thought you should know.”

#jungkook x reader #ot7 x reader #jungkook smut #ot7 smut #bts x reader #bts fanfics #btswriterscollective #hoseok x reader #namjoon x reader #seokjin x reader #taehyung x reader #jimin x reader #yoongi x reader #jimin smut #bts x you #bts imagines #ot7 fanfic #bts smut

[tricewithaz]

the first drawing you made that you're still proud of (ever since you were a child?) what influences were there and what inspirations propel you to make certain drawings? also, do you think the next art style you will try to attempt (if that is indeed one of your goals) would it be similar to your current one or something wholly different? colour pencils or charcoal pencils? (sorry this got too specific gjjfdjk)

Don't be sorry i love this question for real. I've been drawing since i was literally like a year old and a couple of pieces i can recall are an oil painting i did of a Norwegian snowy forest but my uncle bought that from me and I don't have pictures :( it ended up having quite an impressionist look (which my teacher adored)—and this life drawing i did for class like a year ago (warning there's boobs)

I don't really have easy acces right now (its 2 am) to anything i did before 2015 especially not for school but ive been skimming thru my hs scketchbooks and a lot of it holds up surprisingly so (hey maybe ill do a tour someday and embarrass myself)

excuse the quality, its bAD

these are bts watercolor portraits. i should probably do more of those tbh

and these are either harry potter sketches or ocs so

Theres also a particular piece worth noting that i cant access right now but it's essentially a watercolor drawing of a balloon i did at like 4 ans my parents love it.

As for influences, i can't really talk about specific pieces cause my memory is shit and i take a lot of inspirations foe just one drawing, but some art that has been central to my art has been Fiona Staples' (you might recognize her from SAGA or the newest Archie Comics), Bill Sienkievicz (who i have the HONOR to say drew half of my face at Madrid's comic con in 2017), Claire Wendling's, Chris Hong's, Ashley Wood's, John William Waterhouse's, Alphonse Mucha's, Al Buell's and more recently Glen Keane's (who recently directed Over the Moon) and John Pomeroi's and generally 90s/2000s (and a bit of 60's too) disney concept art. Honestly i could spend days talking about my artistic influences. But weirdly enough i think one of my biggest influences was Alessandro Barbucci's W.I.T.C.H which i spent so much time reading and drawing as a kid, and what all of these have pushed me to do is telling stories (i wish i had my comics from way back when theyre... an experience) through design and stroytelling (i really should do comics again) and expression i think ans i aspire to do so much more.

I don't particularly intend on trying or pursuing new styles at least for now, i'm pretty happy with the direction my art is taking when it comes to that, stylized yet not too cartoonish.

I actually haven't picked up colored pencils or charcoals in so long, and both of them i normallypic up for quick sketching. I think charcoal is nicer to use overall, it's quick and soft and overall effective although it's true that i don't think i'd use it in my sketchbook.

Sorry this is so long but i really appreciated this question and kind of needed to dive in i guess 💜

#ask #ask box #answered

[dandelionsonjupiter]

Wow, starting something new...

Either this will be something amazing or another one of my many failed attempts to do something new.

Where to start...

I won't lie and say I'm a great writer, hell I won't say I'm really good at anything really. I'm just kind of there, mediocre at best. I'm 34 and haven't accomplished much in life, nothing really to show for the years I've put in on this planet.

I grew up poor in the 90's with mostly absent parents, spent a lot of time alone never really developing great social skills. I skated by through high school and opted out of college. Landed a dead end retail job at a craft store for a long 16 years, but I guess it paid my bills. As well as I was able to be surrounded by one of the few things that bring me joy. Ok maybe I can at least say I'm creative. A jack of all trades and master of none when it comes to arts and crafts. I guess I'm a fair painter and I've made some jewelry I'm rather proud of!

Well, I decided if I didn't quit I was going to go to prison for arson for starting a fire in the yarn department. I was over worked and underpaid for the years I gave to that place. I was doing the job of what felt like 10 people and I was losing it.

I decided to start job searching because my inner voice was screaming at the top of it's lungs not to leave on job before finding a new one. "Luckily" I came across another fairly quickly with the recommendation of an old co-worker. This time a department store...still retail, why would I think it would be any better?

Did I mention I suffer from severe anxiety and depression? Well needless to say even though I hated my job at the craft store I was comfortably numb there. Throwing myself into a whole new routine with new people, new lingo, new rules, new expectations took a huge hit to my mental health. I spiraled into a pit of despair and what did my mind immediately go to? The comforting thoughts suicide to escape my situation. If you're familiar with this fun mental illness then you know how easy it is to let those thoughts just run rampant. Now, I feel 99% positive I won't harm myself, but it still scares you when you cannot escape the desire to do so. With that came the skin burning crawling sensation, the feeling of not being able to catch your breath, sleepless nights, obsessive scalp scratching, chewing holes through the sides of my cheeks anxiety attacks.

So the big turning point happened the night before last. Thought I was beginning to feel tired enough to go to bed. My girlfriend and our two dogs made our way to the bedroom and did our nightly routine. 1. Turning on the fan for the white noise and air flow. 2. Turning the ac down low due to the fact I am a human furnace. 3. Get in bed lift up the blankets on my side so my dog can get under them and sleep until she can no longer stand my body heat. 4. Turn on the TV and pick some true crime documentary to try and fall asleep to. 5. Girlfriend falls asleep in about 10 minutes and I'm sucked in and have to see it through to the end! 6. Turning off the TV and seeing if I'm finally tired enough to sleep. 7. Mind starts catastrophizing every detail of my day and then starts to get anxious about tomorrow. 8. Try to drown it out by putting my ear buds in my phone and picking some random crap on YouTube to just listen to.

Ok so by number 8 I'm usually asleep but not this night...the time is just going by and no matter what I'm listening to my thoughts are just too loud to drown out. So...

9. Get my pillow and extra blanket and go to the sofa as to not disturb the sleeping girlfriend next to me with my now agitated tossing and turning.

Well normally 9 is the final step and by about an hour out there I'm finally able to get back and bed and be done with a bad sleeping night....nope...instead I sit out there crying and crying...and well crying some more. Thinking about how to just end it all. By the time the sun came up I forced myself back into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed. I think I dozed off for maybe 15 minutes when her alarm went off. She got up and got ready for work. Luckily she works from home so it's a pretty easy morning routine. She came and laid back down with me and I cannot remember the exact words she said but whatever it was just made me lose it and start crying all over again.

I mustered up the strength to say something I've never said before to anyone and that was I think I need to get some help. Being the amazing person she is let me struggle to get those words out and continue to cry for the next few hours. She didn't pry for more information she just went and got tissues and let me lay there until I was able to calm myself enough to talk.

I've never had that before! It's always someone wanting to ask a million questions and wants you to be able to explain why you're feeling some way when you cannot always explain it. Or wanting to know what you're going to do or saying all of the generic BS that people say when they're trying to cheer you up.

She let me just be and just was there instead of immediately jumping into trying to talk about it. She suggested I pick a Disney movie to watch to take my mind off of it for a bit. It somehow helped and then I was ready to talk. She helped me come up with a loose plan which first and foremost was finding a doctor to see to maybe start me on some sort of treatment plan. Next was the hard decision because of the financial burden that it would put on us. I talked to my new boss and was honest about what was going on. I let her know that I was sorry for them training me for this new management role but at the moment I'm just unable to give it my all, but expressed I'd be willing to stay on part time so that I'd have some more time to focus on getting myself back to where I want to be mentally.

Surprisingly she was very supportive and offered me a part time position and checked in on me the next day.

This morning came and now the anxiety and self depreciation is back in full swing...why couldn't I just hold out and keep my iob...what of I can't be financially helpful enough to my family, what if I just made a bunch of huge mistakes and screwed everything up?

All I know as of right now is that I'm just going to keep going and see where this road leads. Maybe just maybe I'm suppose to be going through this right now because something better is on the other side of this.

Besides isn't that what life is? Just a series of mountain and valley's and being able to appreciate the view from both?

I don't know it sounds motivational and all I guess.

#mental disorder #anxitey #new beginnings #lgbtq #sorry for being depressing #long reads #dog mom

[freckledintrovert]

So I have to make the decision of whether to go to inpatient treatment or continue here at home. And I am clueless and terrified. 

What up I’m Jared I'm 19 and I never f*cking learned proper coping mechanisms.

But seriously, so I've been in outpatient recovery for well over a year now, and my weight has fluctuated up and down but hasn’t remained stable, and my parents and doctor as vey concerned that what I'm doing at home isn't enough. That’s not exactly the case, I know exactly why I haven’t made more physical progress. I was most definitely in quasi recovery for 90% of that time, still counting calories and making sure my progress was just the bare minimum. I wish I could go back and grab my own shoulders and shake myself until I realized what effects would come from that. But I can’t, and now its all this time later and despite the incredible mental progress ive made the physical progress, while there and something personally im proud of, is less than ideal.

 I’ve been on a waiting list for an inpatient treatment on the other side of the state, and recently I was informed there was a spot open and I need to decide in a few days if that’s what I need. It seems like a really nice program, there’s art and music and equestrian therapy(???!?!?) and it seems like they do everything they can to make it a pleasant experience, despite the constant (and I mean CONSTANT) therapy sessions. But it’s not like I sign up for a week and leave, the amount of time I spend there is undetermined and my team decides when I’m ready to leave, which is terrifying and less than ideal-

I know this is something that would benefit me for the rest of my life and short-term plans shouldn't be as important but I would be missing so much here with my friends, and even a concert ive been looking forward to. And it would be the longest i’ve ever been without my parents, and I would be completely isolated from my phone (and therefore my girlfriend and friends) for the entirety. And I would be missing the beginning of school, the beginning of my Junior year. Im missing the most vital time of school, meeting my teachers and classmates and establishing those first bonds.

But I also have the option to stay home, which is both comforting and terrifying. I have all the faith in myself that I can stick to a plan and eat more and reteach my body intuitive eating eventually and make the physical progress, and I know so many coping mechanisms and I would continue to see my therapist and I could work on getting a normal life back. But i’m worried that in the future this is something I would resort back to, or that food will still be something that occupies my mind when im doing other things or the first thing on my mind when i’m not doing anything. I just want to be out, and I want to be able to do it on my own! Ive been relearning the foods that I like and im trying to reteach myself that not all food has to be absolutely delicious for me to eat it and sometimes I just eat it because its there and I need to eat. I know I can do that on my own. But im scared that its not my voice talking, it’s my ed talking. Right now I can't tell who is who and I don't know who to listen to.

I always preach that there are no right and wrong decisions, just different outcomes, but both decisions sound helpful and doable but terrifying at the same time. I know none of you can tell me what to do, i’m not asking for that, but I could use some positivity if you could send it my way or just some people to talk to. Maybe people who have either been recovering just through outpatient and have found it successful or people who swear by intensive treatment. 

My biog is always a place of positivity and I know a lot of people look to me for support and guidance, but I appreciate you letting me dump my thoughts here. Hope everyone reading this is doing well <3

#personal #ed #ed recovery #ana recovery #anarecovery #anorexia recovery #anorexiarecovery #edrecovery #recovery #eating disorder recovery

[innerclouds]

Questions to really go deep

1. Do you have more friends or acquaintances? No.

2. What emotion are you most afraid of feeling/ displaying? Depends on who’s company I’m keeping.

3. Have you ever experienced a “glitch in the matrix” moment? Deja vu? Constantly. Probably just signs of a stroke coming down the line.

4. Favorite term you discovered on Urban dictionary. I don't browse it so none?

5. What’s a subject you could talk about for hours? Politics.

6. What’s the difference between a type and a preference? I am not getting into this, this is a trap question.

7. What secretly scares you about society? I'd say but I'd be labeled for "wrong think" on this platform. Not that I haven't been already.

8. How bad is your FOMO? What is a FOMO?

9. What’s your spirit animal? Depends on the quiz thing I've taken, it's always different.

10. How well do you perform in school? About average.

11. What are your good habits? What are your bad habits? Washing hands. Biting nails.

12. What personal trait are you most proud of? I can doodle gud I guess.

13. What does your driving say about you? Paranoid.

14. What do you think is the weirdest/ creepiest societal norm? Man that's a long list. Again, it would get me labeled for "wrong think".

15. Favorite sound effect? None.

16. You have the power to divide the world by 2 to 4 groups of people, how do you divide them? With a battle axe.

17. What popular saying or quote pisses you have? The heck is a quote piss?

18. Are you cooperative or a contrarian? Yes.

19. Something a lot of people like that you HATE. Again, I probably shouldn't say.

20. There’s a website that rates and reviews your performance as a lover. What would the reviews for you say? 10/10.

21. What was “the incident” that happened at your high school or college? Which one? There were a lot of those.

22. Has there been a time where you wanted to speak up about something but held your tongue anyways? Gee I dunno.

23. A big risk you took that paid off. Short list.

24. A big risk you took that did not work out. Long list.

25. What’s your favorite historical event to research? Black plague. Actually did something for that as a subject for school once, it was entertaining.

26. How do you work your way into someone’s heart? Rib cage with a bone saw.

27. What food combinations do you enjoy that other people find weird? Not sure.

28. Have you ever had an encounter with law enforcement? How’d it turn out? With a rent-a-cop. About as well as you’d expect.

29. What book made you appreciate reading? All of them.

30. Are you toxic? Are you afraid to admit it? Oh no, I am absolutely toxic and I own it. Some say I'm hitler 2.0 because *gasp* I have differing opinions and tend to rely on facts and evidence. The horror!

31. Dumbest thing you’ve done in a foreign country? Haven't been in any of those. Unless Utah counts, in which, I went to Utah counts as dumbest thing.

32. What do you think is an unfair double standard between men and women? This is another trap question, especially with how it's worded, that I refuse to get into because it'll take hours and I simply cannot be arsed.

33. What’s your personal heaven? Full of eggrolls.

34. What is something that everyone should experience in their lifetime? Conflict.

35. How often do you change your mind on something you thought you were concrete on? Not often, but if you present solid evidence it will help sway me.

36. Is it easier for you to love or hate? What do you think this says about you? I'm an emotional sponge so both. Probably says a lot.

37. You have doubts about the person you’re romantically involved with, how does this get resolved? Don't have any doubts but if I did I would expect by talking it out.

38. Has there been a time where you thought you were helping someone but were actually enabling their worst habits? Possibly.

39. “Charlie” is short for “Charles” but both have the same amount of letters. What are your thoughts? I don't care.

40. To the person you’re asking these questions to: what is the best and worst things about them? Them being them is the best thing about them. Need more days off, heh.

41. Do you surround yourself with people that bring the best or worst out of you? The former.

42. What will inevitably lead to human extinction? Humans themselves, unfortunately it's taking far too long.

43. Is it better for someone to have a wide range of superficial knowledge or deep knowledge about a few things? Yes.

44. What if there were no professionals in any given subject, but everyone knew a little bit about everything? Okay?

45. How can we judge ourselves by our intentions yet judge others by their actions? This can lead to very murky waters and I'm starting to wonder if the OP has a personal slant on these questions, as far as I'm concerned actions speak and intentions are just intentions until they are actions.

46. Can we ever believe someone when they say their intentions are different from their actions? So that basically confirms it. Thanks for playing.

47. What if you could tell if someone’s intentions were truly transparent upon first meeting them? OP, stop it.

48. What is the biggest waste of human potential? That is an extremely long list, but somewhere around the top five? I'd say social media.

49. Would things get better or worse if humans focused on what was going well rather than what’s going wrong? Maybe, maybe not.

50. What benefits does art provide society? Does art hurt society in any way? Art will always benefit society and no, art does not hurt it at all.

51. When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you? Can't recall doing any of that.

52. How sneaky were you when you were younger? Or was it something recent that you messed up and got away with? See above.

53. What would you name your boat if you had one? Leaky.

54. What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad? The gillette commercial, you know the one, for obvious reasons.

55. What’s the closest thing to real magic? Love.

56. What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done? Halloween, dressed as an escaped crazy person with actual chains, dragging them down the halls and scaring the crap out of anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path.

57. On a scale of 1-10, how strict are/were your parents? 7.

58. Who was your worst teacher? Why? Don't recall.

59. Who was your favorite teacher? Why? Either PE teacher and another down the line. They both understood.

60. Which would you pick: being world-class attractive, a genius or famous for doing something great? None of the above, fame is overrated.

61. What paper that you’ve written are you most proud of? See school subject on the black plague.

62. What would you do if you were invisible for a day? You mean I've not been invisible my entire life?

63. What actions in your life will have the longest reaching consequences? Rather not mention.

64. You’re the first human to interact with an alien and it’s non-hostile. What do you do? Too shy and quiet to make a proper first contact, probably doom our species to abrupt extinction as a result due to a misunderstanding.

65. Are you afraid? Who isn't?

66. To the person you’re asking these questions to: date, marry or kill? First two.

67. To the person you’re asking these questions to: where did you meet them? Next to a campfire outside a snowy tavern in the woods.

68. Can you describe your first high experience? Confusing.

69. Nice Wat?

70. Can you describe your worst drunk experience? Never again.

71. Post the 17th picture from your gallery. What gallery?

72. What was your favorite place you’ve been employed? What was your least favorite? None. Theater.

73. Do you value charm or intelligence more? Big meaty brains.

74. What worries you most about your mistakes? All of it.

75. What personal prisons have you built out of fears? Yes.

76. What is the most important thing you could do right now in your personal life? Long list.

77. If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, who would you ask and what would you ask? I wouldn't ask anything.

78. What is your number one goal for the next six months? Improve.

79. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Shitposting.

80. Who or what do you think of when you think of love? Bae.

81. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” No.

82. What’s the difference between settling for things and accepting the way things are? Virtually none.

83. How many of your friends would you trust with your life? One.

84. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? Depends.

85. Who do you dream about? Naked butlers.

86. What has been the most terrifying moment of your life thus far? Near car accident.

87. Are ghost or aliens real? In a manner, probably. Most likely.

88. Have you ever broken a bone? No.

89. What’s something you’re embarrassed to admit to try? Vegan meals.

90. Is your nationality a part of your identity? No.

91. Do you find your eye color unique? It can be.

92. Is there a song you enjoy from a genre that you don’t listen to? Multiple.

93. What is your sexuality? Triggering to some.

94. Is the person you’re asking these questions to an introvert, extrovert or an ambivert? Former.

95. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve done for someone? Roses.

96. What’s the worst thing you’ve done to someone? Something I can never forgive myself of.

97. When was the last time you’ve felt jealous? Why? Been a while.

98. Do you still think about your first love? No.

99. Would you want to live in the country you want to go on vacation to the most? Yes and no, they need to clean up their problems first.

#more requests

[starberry-cupcake]

I feel like one of the things that has impacted me negatively in my creative process is the continuous exposure to social media fandom and its readily critical environment, in a moment in which I was most impressionable to it. 

When I was in my late teens, I had a blogspot in which I uploaded short stories and pieces of an ongoing project (now dead and somewhat buried). I look back now and feel a bit envious of that person because, even if so many years later I’ve grown artistically and learned a lot, and I consider I have advanced in what I particularly want for my writing, I am a lot more stagnant and self-conscious than I used to be.  

And one of the things that happened in the meantime was that I became a lot more engaged in online fandoms, and started using my art to create fandom content a lot more openly and share it.  

Which has given me positives, absolutely, and I’ve learned a lot through fandom, but it’s also made me increasingly more aware, especially in social media environments and especially on tumblr, of how critical people can be with media and with fanwork. 

Fanwork is, to me, a legitimate form of art. I don’t consider fanfic a “stepping stone” into writing, I consider it writing. But one of the true differences is that it’s set in a threshold in which writer and reader have the same rights and say over source material, which gives people a level playing field in terms of stuff like interpretation, characterization and criticism. 

Added to that, fandom, especially fandom on tumblr, is extremely picky and extremely reactive. 

I got to be here during the time in which tumblr was in its peak call-out culture and I also got to spend it in a fandom that was, because of the nature of its source material, drenched in social justice confrontation. People apologized in the beginning and end notes profusely in case they had done something that someone would consider problematic and begged readers to “call them out” if they had. That’s the level of pressure that specific fandom had at the time. 

Then, of course, there’s personal stuff I don’t want to get too much into, but as someone with ocd, especially pure o, and other things I don’t feel comfy getting into here, all of that had a bigger impact in me than I gave it credit for at the time, when I look at it now. 

So I grew disenchanted with my most meaningful projects. 

Workshops allowed me to write “discardable” stories, which I could complete and then forget about for the next class, and which I could feel less attachment to, from a personal level. Fics became mostly one-shots, with a couple exceptions (which I feel proud for having finished at all).  

Added to all that, there started to be an external pressure to write for a reward. 

Going to workshops and finishing university made it so that people around me started expecting results. I started getting asked, told and demanded for publishing work. Entering contests. Going with my stuff to publishers. I started to get pressure on using my work as livelihood and turn my art into a money-making thing, and do it fast. And it’s all with good intent, it’s done by people who are kind enough to think I could write something worth their time, but it’s still pressure. 

And it’s hard to explain why I don’t do it, why I don’t go out there with stuff to publish. It’s hard to explain to them that the workshop stories they’ve read are all placeholders for something I actually want to do and I don’t want to waste time and energy trying to get them published because I don’t have an emotional connection to most of them at all. They are mine and I appreciate them, but they’re exercises, homework. 

This year I caved in and presented one in a contest, which I promptly lost. People tried to make it seem like a minor setback, but losing is never easy. I’m proud of myself for trying, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel disappointed at myself. 

And the most meaningful stories for me, which require longer work, hard work, research and thought, I started to feel afraid of. 

I started, gradually, to push them back. I’ve talked about them for years, when someone asked, a little bit, but I never delivered, because I set myself a grand task that I started lacking the will to ever finish, I became afraid of what it might bring in tow if I did. Not afraid of failure per se, but afraid of all the things fandom made me aware that people are intent against. 

I can’t be in the writing bubble I used to, naive and unaware, writing completely and unabashedly for my own self at all times. I write for myself, yes, but I also have, in the back of my head, that voice of criticism that has been feeding for years on what fandom has conditioned me to expect. 

The idea is still there, gnawing at me, and some days I can’t quiet it down and end up writing scenes and moments, without giving it too much thought. I’m trying to build back my own relationship with my piece, little by little. Try to see it from another angle, in another way, let it exist on its own without any ideas of what it could turn out like or how it would be perceived. 

I’m trying to build it back up from nothing, but there are still remaining pieces that haven’t left in all these years and that I can’t conceive the story without. 

And with online fandom, I sort of have built this idea of having a very delicate filter to what deserves my effort.  

I feel like there are so many authors, mostly older than me, with different backgrounds, that publish a novel every 6 months, and I feel that the fact that they never had another environment, another medium to explore their ideas other than getting a book published, made them be less critical on what to publish or not. 

They’re not gonna post a story on a sideblog or write a fic about it, they take every idea and store it for publishing. So they seem, to the outside eye, more productive. But they just have a different writing environment than I do. And they are certainly less tainted by immediate peer criticism as someone like me, who is on tumblr an ao3 on the reg. 

It’s not that stories that get posted online in sideblogs or turned into fics aren’t “as grand” as a published og work, but that a published og work takes a lot of effort, time, editing tasks, external eyes, external work, posterior work and an entire editing process that I, as an editor, am highly aware of and learned to only reserve to pieces I feel deserve such a process. Which, so far, have been none, as a result of all this. 

All in all, I feel like this can’t be a single experience. 

Because if online fandom and tumblr have also given me anything is the knowledge that 90% of the people I’m around of, fandom wise, writes fiction. I’m not anymore the weirdo at school who sat at the window and wrote stupid stories. I’m not special, I’m not “the girl who writes”. I’m one of a million people who write every day, who has very similar media background and inspirational favorites, and who does similar things to work on her craft. 

Still, the one thing that has kept me going in my most awful moments has been the knowledge that there’s several stories, especially one, that nobody else can tell, because it’s in my head. And if I’m not doing it for me, at least I’m doing it for that story’s sake.  

But the road towards regaining the relationship with a less judgmental and less hesitant form of writing something that means a lot to me...is tough.

#luly rambles #about writing and self doubt and all those good things #personal bs

[amazildoessomethingstupid]

Chapter 89: Guest of Honor

Alright, figure that waiting till tomorrow seems lame so I’m gonna go and read the next chapter now.  So after Tess’ exit we see Paulo thinking over her words to him (not the words she said before graduation, because she didn’t really say any words but y’know before that) And this is our introduction to yet ANOTHER ART STYLE CHANGE!

And actually, I kinda like this.  The marker style and coloring of the last volume was weird to me.  It all felt very cloudy and hazy, it was alright at parts but this is better in my opinion.  And plus you can see here that Paulo looks to be a reasonable height!  Would ya look at that, good on you.  Clear lines, flat coloring (the weird magazine style filtering they got going on is weird, fucks with my eyes, and makes no sense for a digital platform but whatever).   But anyway, what’s interesting to me about this scene is the fact that just two chapters ago, Paulo was conflicted and shit about whether he was bisexual or not, and not two chapters later he’s already thinking of someone who’ll love and who should arrive at his door, but...

JESUS CHRIST, PAULO RUN SHE’S GROWN TOO STRONG! Okay, I can’t knock this too much, especially given how fucking horrible this panel was before the edit.  But Daisy is still hella big in this, but I guess she shrunk back in between panels since Paulo’s back to looking down at her right after. 

Work that scene composition baby! But back to the story, she tells Paulo that she needs him for-

OH FUCK!  OH FUCK! NO! NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  THAT’S THIS CHAPTER?! Oh no no no, I thought we had more time!  I don’t want to go there!  I don’t want to see it!  Please, I’m ready to tear into new Lucy, I’m ready to dig into Sandy, I WASN’T READY FOR THIS!  God damn it pleeeaase.  Fuuuuuuck.

Just hearing about what happened and seeing the one page was enough to force me to make a Christmas special for January.  JUST TO EVEN OUT THE BULLSHIT, AND MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!  Aauugh why did I do this to myself?  

Okay, deep breaths.  Deep breaths.  We’ll get through this, one page at a time.  And hey look! 

I actually like this scene.  I-I really do!  I like the relationship between Paulo and Daisy.  And I think it’s very cute.  Actually that’s something we can talk about, Paulo’s relationship with daisy!  

I don’t really care for talking about shipping for BCB, because I feel that the shipping takes away from the focus of the characters themselves in the comic.  Not to say I don’t ship characters, but I’ve pretty much resigned all my ships to the bottom of the sea (especially after December), this being said I do like exploring ships.  I think it’s a great thing to chew on for the mind, and it’s a great way of looking into character relationships, chemistry, and dynamics.  All this being said though....

I don’t ship Paulo and Daisy.  I just don’t see it that way, not to say I don’t think they have a strong relationship, it’s just that I see it more as a sibling sort of relationship.  And this chapter has some strong examples to support this. And I’m just gonna come out to say it.  I actually like this scene!  

No joke, I actually laughed at this part!  It’s great!  The way Paulo’s indifference plays off of Daisy’s hyperactive dorky worried behavior.  But for real look at this exchange and tell me this doesn’t seem like how an older brother would react to his younger sister begging him to take him somewhere. 

Seriously, I actually like this scene.  I don’t see it as romantic, but it’s great nonetheless.  And there’s a lot of good stuff in this chapter as well, not just from the story! 

Look at this big panel!  It’s honestly really well done!  The shading of the characters are great, and the composition is on point.  I’m 90% sure this is an edit, but I ain’t gonna be a curmudgeon about it. Credit where credit is due, this is a nice picture! 

It’s a little overshadowed when Daisy goes Cartman for a second, but it’s cute.  And I’m not gonna lie it made me crack a smile.  In fact I actually like this part!  It has a lot of cute humor.  It’s cheesy, dorky, kinda lame, but that’s part of what makes me like it.  

Seeing Daisy open up and be happy in such a welcoming environment actually warms my heart a little.  It’s great!  and even some of the lame jokes get me, even this Tails comment! 

That just brings me back to Volume 1 kind of humor, and it’s so nice.  

and holy shit that’s adorable.  I love this.  And the way Paulo reacts to this whole place is great.  He plays off of Daisy really well, but like I said Paulo’s reactions to me seem a lot like how a brother would act towards his little sister. And look! 

Even more good stuff!  Look at him, he doesn’t like being here but he’s happy that Daisy’s having a good time.  And more than that we get to see Paulo showing his redeeming qualities.  Such as how he’s very protective of his friends, and he’s never afraid to stand up for them without question.  A lot of people seem to forget that about Paulo, but he really is a good guy.  This chapter is an excellent example of that.  He’s not shy to say how much he doesn’t feel comfortable being there, but he enjoys being there for his friends.  It’s a great scene.  

I mean this just warms my cold dead cynical heart.  It’s so great.  I can’t even be mad at the style because this style is also a great improvement!  I didn’t mention it, but there were quite a few faces in the other two chapters that weren’t really expressive enough, or seemed conflicting with the dialogue, but here the faces are actually great! Just look at these! 

I am totally using that Paulo face as an avatar.  It’s great!  And even if these pages and the next few can easily be marked off as filler, it still at least shows us more of this really cute chemistry and friendship between these two characters. 

Though I will say this bit seems a little oddly stretched out and overly focused on 

But hey, that face on the third panel is perfect.  I love that shit.  Line eyes are great eyes,  RIP mah boy Carter.  He loved Lucy.  And luckily the dorkyness of Daisy isn’t all that’s going on in this chapter because Paulo even gets to join in on the fun!  When they go to visit a voice actors panel for one of Paulo’s favorite animes!  And it’s so precious!  

This part actually got a laugh out of me, I’m so proud.  I love this scene.  We get to see more of Paulo’s interests, and this more enthusiastic geeky side of him.  It’s so great, and it’s a prime example of how Taeshi is able to play with these characters in a natural way and flesh them out!  I just love this so much!  As I said, I’m not a Paulo X Daisy shipper but y’know this shows that it can really work.  And I wouldn’t say no to more of this stuff.  

And to show his appreciation, Paulo decides to sneakily buy a gift for Daisy how swee-

NOOOOOOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE FUCK NO!  YOU KNOW WHAT?!  WE’RE GONNA STOP RIGHT HERE!  SORRY ABOUT THIS GUYS, WE’RE GONNA STOP READING FOR NOW!  I-I JUST NEED A LITTLE BREAK IS ALL, Y’KNOW?  WE’LL GET BACK TO THIS LATER! 

I GIVE THIS CHAPTER A 9/10 GOOD CHARACTER, GOOD CHEMISTRY, GOOD STYLE, ALL GOOD, VERY GOOD.

  PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS!

#Bittersweet Candy Bowl #rant

[joemuggs]

PERCEPTION OF DOORS

Was reminded by a conversation yesterday about the art of the club door person, and dug this out, which I wrote for the Amsterdam Dance Event annual back in 2014. 

---

If you want a clear view of how clubland operates, why not ask its guardians? The men and women who stand at the doors – whether to take money, pick and choose who gets in, or act as enforcers of rules – are the first and last people clubbers will see in their night out, and are uniquely placed to assess what makes the clubbers themselves tick. They are the interface between club, clubber and promoter, and able to provide a (more-or-less) sober overview of what goes on. But frequently, too, they are the filter: they are the one person more than anyone whom by their choices, defines the nature of the crowd on a given night. As such, they are not just list-tickers, cash-till operators or hired muscle, but are a vital cog in the club's cultural machine, a part of the club's personality. And plenty of them are as big a music lovers as the promoters or DJs too. So from London to New York, Glasgow to Pretoria to L.A., we present the past, present and future of these essential sentinels and unsung heroes of the night.

BIG FRANK

Big Frank, aka Faafaga Samuelu, is a true Los Angeles legend. The imposing Samoan-American was a school friend of underground hip hop DJ/producer Kevin “Daddy Kev” Moo, and they threw parties together from Junior High onwards (“I was the muscle, he was the brain,” laughs Frank; “a perfect combination”). But Frank was also a hardcore gangbanger in his late 1980s / early 90s adolescence: “I remember him showing me a sawed-off shotgun in 8th grade while we were riding the bus to school,” says Kev, nonchalantly. Frank served serious jail time in the late 90s, but when he came out, Kev was there, happy to team up again.

Kev founded the legendary Low End Theory – hub of the psychedelic, electronic “L.A. beat scene” that spawned artists like Flying Lotus, Gaslamp Killer and co – in 2006, but by 2011 it had become so popular, hosting the likes of Thom York and Erykah Badu, that their host venue's bouncers were shaking down clubbers for bribes to get in. This was the moment when Frank's demeanour, reputation and willingness to turn up with an AR-15 assault rifle came into their own, and perhaps unsurprisingly the previous security stepped aside without any trouble to make way for him to take over on LET's Wednesday nights.

Since then, LET's reputation as a friendly spot has only grown. “Being the familiar face of the club,” says Frank, “is great fun and oftentimes just lots of funny. And if you're coming to us, you'll be more comfortable if you feel like you know the guy at the door – and a cool farewell at the end of the night helps as well!” Now in his 40s, he is happy to be a cool head, mainly in the background: “I have different reasons for being in the scene still,” he says; “What's still there is the love for music, but now my desire to be in the crowd is gone. The times of getting fucked up and bumping rap at a back yard party is long gone. What makes me happy, though, is the presence of the forty-somethings and even older folks that attend our club. It helps me feel like our push to progress the music is appreciated. As if all this time in the scene produced something that my generation can be proud of – not just slangin' and gang bangin'.”

JR

In South Africa, house music means more to people than almost anywhere else on earth. And Tebogo “JR” Modiba knows this more than most – his laid-back House 22 parties in Pretoria are an oasis of sophistication and unity in a society still riven with violence and harsh divisions. He ended up working the door there by default: “House 22 started an purely by-invite-only underground deep house joint,” he explains; “so as the founder, I had to work the door in order to overlook the invitations myself. Over time, we have opened up to the general public, but we still keep a close eye on disruptive elements who might not understand and appreciate the underground deep house culture.”

Like all the best doormen, though, he's not just there to filter people out. “The door is the most important part of the business,” he insists. “That's where punters, especially first timers, should start experiencing what the atmosphere of the club is like. All of that depends on how the doorman welcomes them and treat them.” In fact, his biggest problems are cops (“those fellas have serious anger issues, especially when they see people having fun while they are working – and they're the biggest tax collectors too, [taking money] to allow you to operate without interrupting your business with constant inspections, or to protect your patrons from being harassed”) and the weather. One time the mainly-outdoor House 22 venue was hit by tennis ball-sized hailstones, causing a near stampede for cover, which JR was able to only just keep from becoming mass panic.

All his efforts lead to a club where passion for music rules – and so it should, when JR's own love for house still drives everything. At the drop of a hat, he will reel off favourite DJs' names– Vinny Da Vinci, Christos, Glen Lewis, Jimpster, Atjazz, Ralf Gum, Andre Lodemann, Andy Compton & The Rurals, Lars Behrenroth, and Louie Vega – and those of beloved festivals that inspire him like Sónar, ADE and Southport Weekender. And you just know there's no bullshit when he says: “I don't think I am ready to live without my house music, the club life and the people I have met and we became one house music family. Not any time soon.”

JAY CLOTH

London gay scene institution Duckie is more than just a club – as “Purveyors of Progressive Working Class Entertainment”, its team have created a multi-headed beast with art events, talks and exhibitions worldwide. But Duckie's soul resides in its bacchanals every Saturday night at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, still presided over by the same team that founded it 19 years ago: producer Simon Casson, radically eclectic DJ duo The London Readers Wifes, compere Amy Lamé and “box office artistes” Father Cloth and Jay Cloth. Jay is extraordinarily proud to be on the door - “Duckie is unlike any other London Club and IS gay culture to me,” he says, though cites inspiration from a motley lineage of misfit clubs past like The Bell, Marvellous, Daisy Chain, Lippy and anything involving cabaret monster David Hoyle (née The Divine David).

“I am very proud that Duckie is a very friendly club,” says Jay, “and the team of 'Cloths' that work the door set the tone by being as welcoming as possible to all.” As anyone who's been to the club knows, though, they may be welcoming, but you have to step up to the mark and contribute to the wild energy. Jay will turn away “stag and hen parties, anyone too obviously drunk, too obviously high, anyone rude, anyone wearing fur” and only welcome celebrity guests “as long as they are willing to pay the same as everyone else – we are very egalitarian.” “What makes me really happy,” he says, “is when the mix of people is so extreme I wouldn't want to be anywhere else on earth.” His only fear is that “around 1am some nights when the Wifes announce they are about to play their favourite record of all time, I worry the floor might give in!”

ANGELO FABARA

Anyone who thinks that garish clubwear and superstar DJ culture started with EDM should look back to early 90s New York – which truly was the best of times, and the worst of times. Clubbing was a performance then, with the self-proclaimed Club Kids creating atmospheres so decadent and sights so eye-popping that it could feel like the last days of Rome. The Limelight was the heart of all of this, and bringing some kind of order to the chaos was Angelo Fabara. Angelo was an out-of-towner, drawn as a teenager to NYC's clubs like moth to flame by the “idea of community foremost, but then the escapism it offers to young people to safely experiment with.”

He was soon part of that community. In high school he went to the Limelight every weekend, but after getting into NYU, this quickly switched to going nightly. As a face on the scene, he says, “eventually was asked to promote some nights which led to my being hired as a junior door / guestlist person under the guidance of the more veteran door people at the Limelight. I worked there for about a year and a half after which I worked at Twilo for another year at the height of rave / club music coming to NYC.” New York can be a scary city, and Angelo had to learn fast how to turn away the crazies who might later follow or lay in wait for someone who had offended them: “I worked out I needed to give them a bigger reason they couldn't come in,” he says, “like 'the venue's at capacity', rather than quipping slights at their character which I may have done when I first started.”

As a doorman, though, he didn't just have to keep the badasses out: he had to help create atmosphere. “I let in anyone I knew was a great dancer,” he says, “or had a great look: people who made the dancefloor flourish or were nice eye candy. You also had to educate people who came to the clubs to make an effort because everyone else was taking the time to look impeccably chic or coming up with a look that just added to the design and visual language of the scene at that time. If you were a suit, I wouldn't let you in, if you came as a group of guys I wouldn't let you in, if you didn't look the part you would have a harder time at the door. Much later in life, I compare it to Walt Disney who always started his stories off by making his characters literally step through a door into a fantasy world, transported to another place. I wanted to be that person that showed you through that door.”

The scene famously turned bad. “A lot of people died from drugs,” recalls Angelo sadly. “Heroin became big in the 90s, and Michael Alig murdered his club kid friend Angel, which ended the reign of Peter Gatien's clubs like USA, Palladium, Limelight, Tunnel which were the best clubs in NYC history, places with a creativity you just don't see nowadays.” Angelo stepped away from the scene, moving into culture reporting with Microsoft's 'Sidewalk' site – but he never lost his love for what had first inspired him as a kid. “I still think about how easily I made friends on the dancefloor and how so many of us are still friends today 22 years later.”

BOB WONG

Glasgow is one of the most beloved, yet notorious, clubbing centres of the world, known for the utter lunacy, in both the good and bad senses, of its crowds. So it's nice to know that its scene has a calm centre in the affable and unflappable Bob Wong, the head of security (“I prefer 'doorman' or 'steward' but that confuses people, so I usually end up saying 'bouncer',” he laughs) at the Glasgow School Of Art – a venue that has hosted everything from the most manaical techno to the heaviest dub to avant garde noise events.

Bob is a true lover of and participant in Glasgow's underground scene – indeed, in researching this article, his was the first name mentioned by every Glaswegian we spoke to. “Scots know how to party!” he says simply as explanation of why he loves the scene. “You can't beat seeing likeminded people – people of all ages, race, colour, sexuality, social background etc etc etc – switch off from their daily grind of the working week and completely lose themselves, intoxicated with their poison of choice, in the music they love and really go for it on the dancefloor.”

This no-nonsense attitude and affection for the crowds runs through everything he does. “I, and the rest of my team are there to ensure the punters have a great night, and more importantly a safe one: safe from themselves and each other when they inevitably get carried away.” And to do this he insists on a friendly culture: “I hated working with macho 'bouncers',” he continues, “who could only brag about how many fights they'd won or how many girls they've slept with – so when I finally became head steward, I made a point of having only people with a similar mindset to mine on the team, and it makes a difference to everyone.”

Has he ever been scared, surrounded by punters when they “inevitably get carried away”? “You're probably expecting a mad story here,” he smiles, “about some kinda riot or a scenario where I've been stabbed or shot at – but no... if I ever get into a situation where I'm in a fight where my life is being seriously threatened then I can honestly say I'll have failed at my job. My scariest moments have to be the occasions where drunken punters have thought it was a great idea to slide down the banister of the stairs from the cloakroom on the top floor of the Artschool – a 4 level building – and have fallen over the edge and down between the flights of stairs... Thankfully no-one ever fell past the next floor but, all the same, hearing the thud and seeing them hit the floor you automatically assume the worst when they go limp and unresponsive! Thankfully and surprisingly there have never been any fatalities in my time (don't jinx it Bob haha!), just a few fractured vertebrae...”

#clubs #doorpersons #los angeles #new york #club kids #glasgow #ravers #low end theory #gay clubs #hip hop #johannesburg #house music

[slaymyglo]

20 Self Care Tips

20 self-care tips

Welcome back glo gang for everyone that is new here hi my name is Mickhailia and I am a blogger and for everyone that’s been rocking with me heyyyyy I love you so much and thank you for supporting me as much as I support you. Today Im going to be talking about selfcare and just basically things that we can do at home or even out of the home to take care of ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally. Self-care is so important to me because I feel like once you feel good inside your body and once your body is healthy and cared for and then there are no limits to the things that you can do, the things that you can imagine and the things that you can accomplish once you feel good inside your body because energy is from the inside out and if you have that energy then the skies the limit.

No I won’t be putting in here and telling you guys to go to the spa and take a $90 facial or a $50 body massage. Self care can be the smallest things, giving your self a pedicure or doing a deep conditioning treatment or trying a new facemask.

So here’s a list of 30 things that you can do that doesn’t require you spending a lot of money and still make you feel good about yourself.

A diy spa day

Grab some Epson salt and I scented candle fill your bathtub with warm water and a few drops of lavender oil and have a spa day

 2. Make yourself a playlist

When I make myself playlists actually feel a sense of accomplishment because when I go back and listen to the music that I put in the playlist it’s very reflective of what I was going through at that time and so is shows growth since then and now. Making yourself a playlist can be happy, sad, productive or reflective it is able to give off whatever energy that you want from that music.

3. Brew yourself a cup of tea

I love teas and tried so many of them and I wish that one day I will be able to try them all. Teas have so many purposes there are teas for relaxation, teas that help your mind, teas that help your skin and just your overall good health to show you how much of a tea drinker I am I have a subscription with myTeabox it’s basically a monthly box that get sent to my house with a selection of teas and you get to try them see the health benefits and it’s just a really nice thing to expect in the mail every month. They have black teas, white teas, green teas chai teas or long tees and a lot more it cost approximately C$28 plus $10 and some change for shipping and the other one that I recently tried is amoda tea it’s $18 a month free shipping.

4. Do a deep conditioning treatment on your hair

Not only will this benefit your hair but it will feel good in yourself that you were doing something that will help you and that alone subconsciously makes you happy just get a steam cap an avacado and some honey mix it together and there you go.

 5. Read a good book

Honestly I must say personally I’m not a fan of reading but when I do read and I find that perfect book it’s so satisfying and I feel so empowered to have read that book and if you aren’t a big reader and you are still interested in literature then listen to audiobooks trust me it makes a difference. Basically all it is is an audio version of the book that you wish to read so plug in your headphones and listen to someone else read the book to you.

6. Make yourself a smoothie/fruit bowl.  if you have an extra 10 minutes to spare in the morning before you head off to work or to school or wherever your day may lead you make yourself a smoothie or a fruit bowl doesn’t have to be anything fancy you can just get some strawberries a few grapes a few cherries and some slices of apples put in a bowl in there you go or you can use all those ingredients and just throw it into your blender and there you go have a smoothie.

7. Drink 1 L of water

I honestly was one of those people that are like “are you serious drink water to be healthy?” but listening to those instructions and drinking water has significantly helped me to be more healthier not only in like my physical health but to make me feel good mentally and to have a clear mind so please drink your water guys.

8. Take five minutes to reflect at the end of every day

It’s so important to reflect on your day and how it went, what you could’ve done to make your day better, things that were a success and to give yourself credit for those successes because then and only then well we learn how to appreciate things in life and how to forgive ourselves for the things that don’t go well from that we will grow and become better individuals.

9.Create a journal entry at the end of the week

The 10-year-old me would be so proud because that’s all she invested her time in to write things in her diary and to live this television fantasy of having a Book of crushes and a book of untold secrets the girls she doesn’t like and the girls that are her BFFs. Having a journal isn’t childish or Petty.  Journals can help you to cope with whatever situation you’re going through, it can be a reminder of the things that you’ve done and accomplished successfully, it can be a resting place for the things that you wish to not say to anybody it can also be a friend believe it or not. You can be comfortable with knowing that you’re letting your thoughts out in the open but not to a conscious mind

. 10. Go for a morning walk

This doesn’t have to be an every day routine because I know some people schedules are crazy busy but maybe on a Saturday morning when there’s not much to do before you eat breakfast and get about your day just take 15 minutes to go for a walk, taking that fresh air let out all the bad toxins everything that happened in the previous week just let it out you’re by yourself and bills trust with and yourself also it is a great physical activity to help having a healther life,take a bottle water with you just in case you get a little bit tired or you just need to have some water.

11. Grow a plant

This can be very therapeutic for some people seeing something around you is what’s uplifting to people it also teaches responsibility and how to care because if you don’t water the plant then you know what happens.

12. Create routines

Some people like to live their lives unplanned and spontaneous Lee which is fine and that’s OK if that’s how you progress and how you see yourself moving forward by doing things out of the blue and spontaneously because I for one do that sometimes but having a routine for certain things that you do a skin care routine morning routine the homework routine whatever it may be as long as you find something that works for you and that will continue to work for you then stick to it and make it your personal routine. It could be a three-step guideline of the things that help you to study or it could be a list of things that you do in order in the morning before you get ready for work or school or could even be a route that you take to the grocery store whatever it is write it down and make it your routine it will help you to feel organized it will help you when your mind feels cluttered and you feel confused make yourself a routine.

13. Take pictures

I for one loves scrolling down my Tumblr page full of sunsets and very cosy pictures and if this is something that’s therapeutic for you then maybe you should start taking the photographs if you go out to the park at say 6 PM and you see the sun going down and it looks beautiful to you, take a picture of it you can look back at it and say wow this was a beautiful sunset or you can post it and split someone else say that it’s a beautiful sunset. Whatever it is that inspires you or whatever give you vision then take a picture of it.

 14. Sing a song

I’ve always been a musical person I’ve always loved to sing always loved the express whatever I was feeling through Music and it has always helped me. If you’re sad if you’re happy if you’re excited if you’re angry whatever type of emotion you’re feeling inside there will always always be a song that can help you express that to turn away from those feelings or to help build on those feelings. I have a Spotify and SoundCloud account and they are the most used apps on my phone and that’s no joke because I’m constantly playing music constantly trying to find new music and expanding my music taste.

 15. Do a DIY project

If you need something to keep you busy or if you are genuinely a person who likes doing a whole projects or you just need something to do for fun go on Pinterest find a great project to do. It doesn’t have to be anything strenuous on the list this is what you want you can find projects that don’t require you to leave your house and products that you can use materials from around your house so that you don’t have to go to buy anything but if you do then that’s OK and make sure it’s not expensive and just craft away.

16. Create goals

When I say create goals I don’t mean to plan the next five years of your life lol. Just simple plans of how your going to get through your day

17. Redecorate your room

I really me feel like a whole new girl when my room looks new and I will move things around and my dresser isn’t in the same place it was the night before and my bed is to the window like that brings me a lot of self satisfaction and it just looks nice like you make me feel like I did something good just read decorate your room it doesn’t need to be anything huge like what I do but I could just literally mean that you hang the new art piece somewhere else like you know like you put your dresser to the opposite wall than it was before just to have something ne

 18. Take a nap

Omggg girl! Let me tell you about those after school power naps doors are heavenly. At some point I feel like those little power naps after school is better than a good nights rest and if you have a little bit of spare time and you can take one of these power nap after school knobs after work naps trust me you will be refreshed

 19. Unplug from social media for a couple hours

I know this might sound a little bit tough to those who can’t go a day or a couple hours without social media and I completely understand that because I believe that I’m the same as well but it’s possible.

I really do think I can admit that I’m addicted to my phone and it’s not a good thing but it is what it is but I feel like these days I’ve been able to give myself a couple hours to be away from it and really just use those couple hours that I’m not on my phone to reflect his social media it has its pros and it’s cons yes you get to see Wyatt the shade room is posting at 3 PM and yes you get to see what is happening in the news and what lip kit Callie Jenner’s about to launch bought it becomes addicting and it takes away time from doing real things in the real world. The negative sides the social media is that we become so sucked into this world of virtuality that we forget that we live on earth and that we live in a real society.

 20. Write down and memorize inspirational quotes for when u are feeling down.

When someone is upset it becomes very difficult for them to think of all the wonderful things that they did and the things that they accomplished but it’s so easy for them to think of all the bad things that are happening around them. Which is why inspirational quotes kind address keep you in the right frame of mind and remind you that things happen in life goes on

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

#love exposing myself to people on the internet #hot

[awkblkwmn]

Saturday - 8/25/18 - HOME

Romantic Comedies suck.

Not in the cliche way they normally do.

And not the ones (mostly) with A-List actors on their way up the Hollywood ladder.

I'm talking about the Hallmark Edition Made for TV movies.

I don't know if Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu and just trying to give people their first chance in the spotlight but MAN - some of these actors (most of the actors) in these B rated movies are God-awful,

But...if I were to be completely honest, I kind of love them. I'd probably be open to watching more of them in the preview trailers didn't well...tell the whole story in them. And I just don't know how to watch a movie without watching a trailer first.

Then, there's that other jealous part of me that gets irritated by the fact that these "A-Star" people are out there actually doing it - striving for there acting dreams, terrible talent and all... while I sit on my ass at home getting smashed on honey-jack and flipping between watching their B-rated breakouts and k-dramas.

...One day these journal entries won't be full of complete angst, total self-sabotage, and arrogant whining.

Won't fucking be today though.

In all actuality, even though I am indeed at home on my ass a part of me knows that this is probably the "safest" place for me to be. I have an extravagantly terrible issue with spending money that I really don't have on purchases that are fleeting and hold an average life expectancy of 24 hours max.

If you haven't guessed already, 90% of those purchases are indeed food and booze.

And I said I was gonna sober this month lol

Right, right, away from the self-loathing bitching and moaning...

Looks like this is Day 2 of journaling - an accomplishment I actually haven't made in over 10 years, maybe more. Sad right? But true.

My attention span is something wonderful. Even with all the ideas in my head, floating around like a constant spin cycle in my mind, it's very hard for me to metaphorically take the time to remove the finished load out of the washer and put into the dryer sans on paper or my MacBook. I barely fold and put away my actual laundry so you know for a fact these little scribbles rarely make it to an online format, which really is a bummer.

I've learned - wait no - those aren't the right words...

I've recently realized and accepted that I've got mean-streak of attention whore-itis. Not sure if it developed from dancing when I was a little girl or from being a high-level athlete for more than half my life, but sometimes all I want are people paying attention to me and telling me I'm freaking awesome.

I used to - still to a socially acceptable amount - be embarrassed and a tad ashamed about it. But now, since the gene has been ignored for a VERY very long time, I'm embracing it more than ever and trying to find more productive ways to feed the beast than being the "hot-ish drunk girl" at the bar.

Karaoke is a nice outlet. I love to perform and truly think I could've been a singer in another life, maybe even this one if I had been serious about pursuing it.

I like art and dancing too. When I draw something and share it with the world and the world loves it, I feed off it insanely so. There are even times where I'll work on something at work and feel a foolish amount of pride from someone saying my designs were nice.

And don't even get me started on how much I love it when people say I can bust a move.

But nothing, nothing makes me feel more alive than when people appreciate my writing. Writing is probably the rawest, most authentic way that I express myself without worrying about what other people will think. In writing, you truly see into the inner machinations of a person's mind and soul.

You see how they talk, how they think, how they feel, how they believe, how they wonder.

Someone can write a statement no more than a few words and you can draw so much of their mindset and standard of being from that alone.

That's why people like to text. That's why I like to text. I read words in real time; as if the person was sitting right there next to me. I hear the tills in their voice, the loudness of their laugh, their relaxed disposition, their angled smile. I see them.

A person texting style in this day in age is more than just words, It's their signature, a shadow of who they are.

Nevertheless...I'm getting distracted.

And very artsy fartsy lol.

I'm home alone right now, hence the veggie (ahem boozing) out and taking care of my roommates' dog.

Shes one her first away trip with her boyfriend and I'm so proud of her!

Hmm...

I was going to write more, but I think my thoughts are bit paused for the day...

Maybe I'll come back in a bit, we'll see.

Til then -

<3 Payton Tulie

#payton tulie #personal #journal #journaling #black girl chronicles #irl #drunk #drunkish #saturday #drunk saturday in #steebucks #dogsitting #lol #my life is in progress #working on it #writing #writer #doing my best #writing practice #writing prompt #don't forget your dreams #don't miss it #arizona #awkward black girl #black girl #oddlyhilarious #oddly satisfying #real life #real

[rosedalemike]

The Mood: Blog #5 "Perception/Loneliness”

written Sunday April 8th at 5:36 am     Ever wonder what others think about you? Not that you should care what others think about you, but do you ever sometimes just wonder if maybe you were a dick/bitch to that someone when you didn't mean to be- and then on the other hand- way too nice/generous to someone who probably just talks shit about you? It happens to me a lot. It's probably one of the biggest reasons I'm traveling around by myself.

     Not that anything specifically like that came up this week. I've just been thinking about it more as I've finally been poking my head out of my basement to get back out to play shows. Just kinda like 'what does this person actually think of me? Did they actually just enjoy this show? Would they actually listen to my music regularly?' Not that they need to respect me or anything for me to like them. And, needless to say, I'm extremely grateful they came out to support anyway. It just sometimes makes me ponder things like: who is my actual demographic? What makes our distracted generation listen to an artist regularly? How/why can I make a stranger who has no idea what I do be completely invested in my art yet people who have seen me grow this garden for years suddenly have zero interest in Rosedale?

      Maybe some of those answers are relatable to reasons why I enjoy being alone. I know that probably sounds really sad to most people but hear me out...     

     Intro to sidetrack: I got into this topic with a long time fan at tonight's show. She was thanking me for being so nice and always inviting her out to shows. I had to tell her 'if only you knew how many people block me for that same gesture' (see blog #4). She was genuinely pumping my tires pretty good. Don't get it twisted- her boyfriend was right there the whole time and he was also cool A-F, as the kids say...

      She went on to say how she used to hang out with Hedley years ago whenever they were in town and they were rude dicks. She couldn't fathom their conversations. As easy as it might have been for me to jump on the freshly-greased "Hate-Hedley" bandwagon (kinda punny if you watch Trailer Park Boys) It got me thinking that maybe, as humans, when we're in our packs we often come across as unwelcoming. Especially bands! The inside jokes, the anything-goes-ness, the gear-geak battles/bro-downs. Looking back, I'm sure Rosedale sure fit that shoe for years! And I'd imagine macho sports teams come off as even more unwelcoming to strangers. (there I go- generalizing again...)

     But it's all perception- How do we perceive their inside jokes and harmless offside humour? Maybe Hedley were total dicks a few years ago, maybe they're not anymore. All I know is nothing really surprises me and I think even some of my favourite people get offended out of perceived context- not easily, per say- just out of common, outside perception. I'm sure I could go even more south and throw in some President Trump examples here but that dude gets enough external spotlight. And to clarify (before I get me a page-full of political/social facts that I have 0 any interest in); I'm neither a Trump or a Hedley fan...or Nickleback, for that matter...but I'm also not a total hater. I'm just saying they're prime examples of how perception and context have some serious horsepower especially in our ever changing world of social media/open-broadcasting.     

     Here's a wider, more harmless example of the two sides of perception that's a little closer to home; my set at Hard Luck in Toronto last Saturday. There was a high energy and big crowd in the room right as I was setting up. I played an ok set, nothing remarkable in my mind. But a very rare thing was happening; Humans were turning into Rosedaliens right before my eyes! They were feeding off of my music in ways only artists on the radio can relate to! They were eating up the positive message and yelling positive messages right back! The vibe was bliss! Nobody cared what anyone in the room might think of them. The phones were only out for "Eldorado's Climax" or to record/snapchat/livestream! After the set people were buying all the merch! I must have taken 15 photos with fans and strangers! Signed a few posters and CDs! Young, hip humans were telling me their stories! My tires were pumped way past any psi they've ever seen! Etcetera!!!

     Then I played London Ontario at the legendary Call the Office on the same night of the week, same time... (The only difference with this given Saturday was that there was no Easter/Passover excuses in my inbox.) But there were a total of maybe 15 people there. They were standing 30 feet away of the stage. I played/sang/delivered by far the best Rosedale set so far this tour with a proud smile on my face and, although the other bands and their friends kinda danced and inched closer towards the stage, not a single CD or shirt left the merch bins. Nobody asked to take their photo with me. Come to think of it, I was even getting the whole "This-dude-needs-a-band" vibe.

      So why did the mediocre Toronto performance get a way better response than the solid London set? Or even the relatively strong Brampton set that we filmed. It seems like it had nothing at all to do with me. It was entirely based on the crowd's perception! My good friend, Jonny (who is pretty knowledgeable with live music/performance/production), came out to both the Toronto show and the Brampton show. Even his perception was completely altered by these energized, Toronto meat baffles! Jonny thought the Toronto set was better. “You’re ready! Epic, prolific,” were his and his Toronto company’s words. He wished I'd filmed the Toronto show instead of Brampton. Kind of off topic (but, really, why I used the term "meat baffles"); Jonny also said the sound was bad in Brampton (and so did his Brampton company) and much better in Toronto. Where-as Bryan and Danny...and my mom... said that Brampton was the better sounding Rosedale show (and they were all also at the Toronto show!)

      So just because I had a generous, high energy crowd in front of the stage in Toronto, I was worth something to everyone in the room. I even sounded better, in Jonny’s opinion. People wanted pictures, autographs, and merch because their perception of Rosedale was a promising one. Yet, I could play the same exact set on the same night, same time, in a more intimate setting with a more solid performance and have my picture, signature, and merch less desired than just a couple more drinks. The other two bands played amazing sets as well. I was actually, genuinely blown away, like, fanboying on Adelaide’s guitarist, getting chills from Mermaids Exist’s harmonies etc. But they too set up their merch table for nothing. It is a very common display of how people's perception is strongly influenced by the context of their surroundings.

      The only person, arguably, in the room who felt...in the presence of greats- was myself! I know I played a legendary set and I'm 100% certain that if Adelaide and Mermaids Exist keep slugging away like that- they're gonna come built-in to everyone's iPhone 12s!

     This “perception-check” is nothing new to booking agents. They no longer accept buy-ons. (Of course I've tried!) Money can't buy you happiness, or a loyal following. Agents, labels, and managers want their bands playing to full rooms only. Intimate shows (as in half empty capacity shows...yes, I took the pessimist approach) are only creating negative perceptions. If, by some stroke of Modesty-Miracles, some of these rock star agents did stumble into reading this, they were thinking "No shit, Shirlock. Stop playing small shows" 5 paragraphs ago. I'm just letting everyone else know; the artist is about 10% responsible for impressing/entertaining the audience. The other 90% is the context of that room and a good chunk of that context is just simply the amount of people there. (other smaller pieces of the pie; venue decor/layout, sound engineering, staff, house music ...to name a few.) Maybe all of this is very obvious to most people already. I just wish solving all the pieces of that pie were easy or at least in my hands. But the modern ratio still just seems crazy to me, growing up in the punk/emo scene.    

      I think maybe another reason it seems crazy to me ties back to the fact that I'm alone a lot. When I'm alone I have more of an open mind and agenda. I think this could be the case for most people. There was one guy at the near-empty London show who was jumping up and down during my set. He was alone and so stoked. He didn't care what anyone thought- a proud new fan! I threw a pick perfectly into his hands at the end of my near-perfect set (#pingofftheforehead, Toronto show inside joke). He's been messaging my instagram all day. He didn't buy merch (he might have if there was a big generous crowd there, though) but he signed up and watched all of my youtube videos today.

      I think most people actually have a better time traveling/exploring/wondering out by themselves than they realize. I believe you're more accepting of different environments and cultural differences when you're by yourself. You're taking it all in and enjoying it. You're making new friends out of strangers who have no knowledge of your history as you have no knowledge of theirs. You feel like you can open new chapters of your own book and appreciate the fresh pages they're showing you, and consider the context. You might be thinking "so-&-so would love this" but chances are, if "so-&-so" were there, you'd likely be missing this too while off hanging at the bar or whatever.

      When you have your crew/family/entourage beside you for every door you open, life can start to pass you by. You might be having a great time with them and jel with them like peas and carrots, but the element of wonder and discovery isn't quite the same. It's sometimes like an invisible stress and I'd even go as far as to say that it is the main reason why bands break up on their first tour. Bands aside though, I've heard first-hand stories of good friends traveling together that went through episodes where they were so pissed off with each other that they wouldn't even talk to one another for hours. Sure, it could be the simple fact that you're now living with this friend/band hour-by-hour on this trip (Egos clash, ideas vary, mistakes affect everyone, true colours flourish etc.) and you're stuck with them for the next however-many-days. But I'm certain that a group-of-friends/family/band living together in their hometown would go over way better than living together in a new city every night. And traveling with a significant other- well that's an entirely different blog for a different day.

      I'm not sure if any of this is proven or factual. This is just me rambling at 5:30 am after a show. Another thing I hear a lot is "Mike, you just haven't found the right “one”/bandmates/friends". Fair enough. But maybe I'm just your classic degenerate- I could just be a weird lonely dinosaur that likes to roam alone. #lonewolf. But I think all of that coincides with the original point I made about being a dick to someone you actually really like/love. We've all done it, I'm sure. The nicest human in the world can be passive/harsh without realizing it. But as much as I think butting heads is inevitable when you're living together in uncharted land, there are friends that manage to really understand me and at least aim to dodge my weird pet-peeves (ie. guitar cases on stage). Of course, they can't drop their established lives/commitments to come travel around with me for months. So maybe there are layers to my solo-ness. (...loneliness sounded too sad.) 

LYRIC PARTY: 

Chasing the sun isn't my kind of fun I'd rather sit and catch snowflakes on my tongue When summers gone I won't be sad As you cling on to all the good times that you've had 'cause being alone isn't really all that bad - The Ataris "If You Really Want To Hear About It"

     But really, even when there's no stranger's pages or culture shock to take in, I have some great times by myself that I wouldn't be able to have with most company around. I wouldn't be able to write this blog in my bed at 5:30am. I wouldn't be able to listen to my new demos and imagine them mixed like my latest releases with my Westones on my 2 hour drive home from London. That, in itself, could easily be considered insanely narcissistic. And so could this; I love hanging out with myself! We get along very well. My tastebuds can be pretty inconsiderate to my gut's needs, and my lower brain is not too happy with the way upper brain has been handling brief encounters with the opposite sex, but alas, we're working on it!

      Another thing I like about being alone is that I'm pretty sure people like me more. Whenever I have friends around, it's almost like nobody wants to help with anything. And when I'm "working" away on something, a stranger might say something like "where's your friends? Why don't they help you with that?" As if to say "you need better friends, dude." It's really odd but it happens a lot and those little events tend to commit-to-memory for whatever reason. Kinda like that long-red-light that never fails to time out your drive perfectly. (One of the few books I've actually finished reading, "Stumbling On Happiness" (Daniel Gilbert), describes this human condition a bunch... took me three years to finish that damn book.) 

LYRIC PARTY: "Hangman, it's not your fault Commit this to memory The bright ideas are wasted and lost along the way" - Motion City Soundtrack "Hangman" (I could've sworn {or swore??} he said "For bright ideas always get lost along the way" then I looked it up... didn't look up sworn/swore though.)      Anyway, I guess this late night, scatter brained blog wants you to consider the context and surroundings when formulating an opinion/perception. And look at loneliness in a bright light. There are many positives. Don't ignore all your friends and family by any means, I'm just saying; A lot of people fear loneliness like they're gonna die alone and they need company at all times. "Alone time" is your most productive time. And productivity, as vague a term, is probably the healthiest form of instant gratification. So do something productive towards your goals the next time you're alone. And while you're at it, open up a new chapter to that old friend you later get to hang out with...

     Yeah, this one was all over the place. Thanks for reading though. If you made it this far, you're a trooper and I love you. 

Shows this week: Wednesday, April 11th - Ottawa, ON @ Mavericks -  10:00 set time, 19+, $8 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/321180534953651/ Thursday, April 12th - Kingston, ON @ Bar 56 - 9:30ish set time, 19+ish, $10 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/368799986934799/     Friday, April 13th - Potsdam, NY @ Hurly's/SUNY Potsdam -  7:30 doors/ 9ish set time - All Ages , FREE https://www.facebook.com/events/363889120774025/ Saturday, April 14th - Rochester, NY @ Firehouse - 8:00 doors/10ish set time - 21 +, $5 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/568521663507443 Sunday, April 15th - Pittsburgh, PA @ The Smiling Moose - 7:00 doors/ 9:00 set time, 21+, $8 tickets**/ $10 doors https://www.facebook.com/events/402443740204364/ Monday, April 16th - Cleveland, OH @ Grog Shop - 6:30 doors, 8:30 set time, ALL AGES, $8 tickets/$10 doors https://www.facebook.com/events/163297504327206/

#perception #loneliness #music #the mood #pittsburgh #ottawa #kingston #potsdam #rochester #cleveland #hangman #motion city soundtrack #the ataris #if you really want to hear about it #rosedale #again #hedley #rosedalemike #blog #trump #nickleback #mermaids exist #adelaide #toronto #brampton #london #ontario