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buckyownsmylife · 3 years

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I've Told You Now - Lee Bodecker smut

The one where Lee seduced his sister's babysitter.

Warnings: smut, dubcon, age gap, innocence kink, dirty talk, loss of virginity, blood

Word count: 1.7k

A/N: This one is a part of my kinktober celebrations. My original intention for this October was to work exclusively around prompts that my wonderful friend @darkficsyouneveraskedfor created for her challenge and dedicate each story to a different friend. My new plan became then 31 days of different kinks, which expanded on a poly relationship with Stucky, as you might know by now. However, some of the stories I started were already truly loved by me, and so I kept on writing them. It worked well because as it turns out, I am fortunate enough to have more than 31 friends on Tumblr, so here is the story I wrote for @slothspaghettiwrites! You were the biggest reason I fell for Lee and it was only appropriate I wrote you this! I only hope it doesn't disappoint! Special thanks to @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog who helped me believe this was good enough to be posted! @sweeterthanthis also has a big hand at this!

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I was finishing packing up the toys in the living room when I heard the door slam, startling me into dropping the box of legos on the ground. Looking at the clock, I considered the time before looking back at the hall again. When no one appears from the hallway, I get confused. If the Hendersons hadn’t come home earlier than they intended, who else could it be?

“Waiting for me, bunny?” I immediately straightened out at the sight of Sheriff Bodecker, trying to resist the urge not to flush and keep eye contact, but ultimately failing to do so. I hadn’t seen him since the night he offered to give me a ride home and I ended up with his cock in my throat, his cum in my mouth.

“I-I didn’t even know you were coming.” Silence followed my confession as he slowly approached, eyes never leaving my body while I tried to keep myself up. He’d always had this effect on me. I remembered being a young girl and Sheriff Bodecker being the crush I knew was too old to be mine, the guy I’d never have even in a million years, but that didn’t stop me from daydreaming about him.

If I thought that maybe having him would help this infatuation disappear, it’d become clear by now that it wouldn’t be the case at all.

“And here I was, thinking you wanted me just as much as I wanted you.” The Sheriff tsked, and the sound went straight to my already dampened underwear. I couldn’t process his words very well, given how close he was and how loud my own heartbeat was ringing in my ears. Did he mean to say that he actually really wanted me?

“If that was really the case,” he taunted, circling me like I was some sort of prey. “You’d always be expecting me, wouldn’t you? But it’s alright, honey. You know why?” When I shook my head, he answered his own question, a single finger running down my jaw to guide me to look him in the eye. “Because I think you were expecting me. You’re always expecting me, looking for me wherever you go, just like I do. And there’s an easy way to prove my theory.”

Before I could question it, his arms embraced me from behind, hands slowly running down my stomach until they reached the edge of my skirt. I started sweating in anticipation. I knew what he would find.

“Let me check.” His fingers went over the fabric first, and he chuckled when he noticed how wet it was. “Would you look at that?” I was already trembling when he pulled my panties to the side and ran that same digit over my lower lips, just lightly grazing them. “Soaked already.”

Although I couldn’t see it, the humming sound he emitted after taking his fingers from under my dress didn’t leave me any doubt about what he did with the moisture he collected. Just the thought of him enjoying my taste that much had me weak in the knees, and I tried to keep myself up by reaching for a chair nearby.

Lee’s P.O.V.

I chuckled to myself at how sensitive she was, barely able to keep up with the little I’d done so far. Then again, it was clear I had a particularly strong effect on her. That had been obvious for a while, ever since she started working for my sister, probably - around the same age her womanly features began to stand out.

She seemed unable to look me directly in the eyes, always averting her gaze and biting her lower lip when I decided to stop around here for a coffee or check in on the little rugrat. I began doing this a lot more often after she was hired, but neither her nor my sister seemed to connect the dots.

Her innocence, her beauty just left me so fucking hard. I was hard right then, and I wanted her to know it. So I pressed my body against her back, lightly grinding my member against the curve of her ass.

“I suppose you’re finished for the day,” I speculated, knowing once the kid was out all she had to do was wait for my sister and her husband to arrive. “Guess I can help you unwind…”

She gasped when she felt my hardness, making me chuckle. “Your sister and her husband should be back soon…” She tried to reason, but I wasn’t having any of it.

“We’ll be quiet anyway. Can’t risk waking up the kid.” I gripped her wrist and pulled her on the direction of the guest bedroom, now fully unable to control myself. I was so close to having what I had wanted for so long.

She looked unsure of herself as I closed the door behind us, and I raised an eyebrow in a questioning look. “What’s wrong?” She shifted her weight from one foot to another, fingers playing with the hem of her skirt.

“I-I don’t know about this…” Chuckling, I approached her to cradle her face between my hands and deposit a kiss on those sweet lips.

“Don’t you trust me, pretty girl?” I had caught her now, we both knew it. She’d never risk disappointing or offending me, so when her mouth opened to explain herself and I raised an eyebrow in warning, it was only a matter of seconds until she closed it altogether and nodded, her eyes dropping to her feet.

“Yes, I do.” My smirk was full of victory, and I could taste it in my lips now. It was as sweet as the nectar between her legs I’d only had a taste of.

“There you go.” Approaching her once more, I settled my hands on her hips before leaning to kiss her shoulder. “Besides…” I continued, already bunching up her dress to get rid of it as quickly as possible. “You obviously need me to take care of you and this little wet hole.”

She bucked when my fingers rubbed her this time, dress already forgotten on the floor as I slowly shoved down the fabric of her underwear to join it. Once she was completely naked, I ran my digits over her cunt, verifying that her wetness was already so overwhelming that it was threatening to drip from her.

“So sweet.” I hummed once I wrapped my lips around those digits, tasting her on my tongue again. Yes, I was already obsessed. I think anyone who had the chance to try her nectar would understand my situation - but no one ever would.

She was mine now, and I would never let her go.

“C’mon, bunny.” Patting her ass, I directed her to the bed, chuckling at how embarrassed she seemed, being this exposed to my hungry gaze. “Be a good girl and spread your legs. Be my little angel, won’t you?”

I wished I could have done this somewhere more private - my own house, instead of my sister’s. But I just couldn’t wait anymore. My cock twitched inside my pants. I felt like I was drunk on this, drunk on her.

“C’mon, honey!” I repeated, lightly slapping the outside of her thigh. “I wanna fuck you. And I know you want to be mine, pretty girl. You can’t hide it from me.”

When she finally relented and slowly parted her beautiful legs for me, I nearly melted at the sight. Driven by my desire, I unbuckled my belt and worked to whip my cock out as quickly as possible, smirking at the wide, innocent eyes that settled on my member as I fisted it in preparation.

“Doesn’t it look good?” I teased, climbing on the bed to take my spot between her legs, rubbing the head of my dick against her slit. “I’m gonna have you taste it next time. But for now…”

Resting my forehead against hers, I slowly started to penetrate her tight pussy, slipping only the head at first, even though I was aching to fuck her throughly.

“This is gonna hurt a little,” I warned, not able to stop mid-way to let her adjust but keeping my invasion of her maidenhood slow until I had bottomed out inside of her. “Sh…” I tried to calm her, gently wiping away the few tears running down her soft cheeks. “I know it hurts, bunny. But you can take it, can’t you?”

She managed to nod despite her whimpers, and I brushed her tears away as I warned her, “I’m gonna make you feel so good, honey.”

It took a little while, but at last, she opened her eyes and I waited until she was able to focus them on me again. “You look so pretty, bunny…” I whispered, kissing her while I finally started to move inside of her, stopping only to moan out loud at her overwhelming tightness.

“I’m gonna train you until all you can think about is my cock,” I warned her, slowly pulling out until only the head of my cock was keeping her open.

“I can’t wait any longer.” Slamming my dick all the way in, I felt her nails running down my back, leaving trails of blood behind - trails I wouldn’t mind wearing under my shirt, sting as they might.

“I promise you, honey…” I panted, sweat already dripping from my forehead onto her pretty face. “You’re gonna miss me when I’m not inside of you.”

I kissed her cheek, rubbing my nose against it as she held me tightly against her. “I know you don’t want any of those boys you used to go to school with touching what I’ve already taken.”

She nodded quickly, my pretty little honey. Yes, she was mine already and she knew it. “It’s alright, pretty girl…” I soothed her as she started to whine, her cunt clenching deliciously around me. “It’s alright, cum with me…”

She closed her eyes when she met bliss, but I kept mine wide open so I wouldn’t miss her perfect expression of pleasure. It was almost enough to keep me hard, but I wasn’t as young as I once was.

I never pulled out of her tight heaven, keeping her body snuggled against me. I was happy that I decided to be patient, if it meant I now got to have her like this.

“I hope you know that you’re mine now, bunny.”

#my fics #lee bodecker #lee bodecker smut #lee bodecker reader #smut #lee bodecker reader insert #lee bodecker x reader #lee bodecker reader inserts

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ohheyitsokay · 3 years

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found

pairing: Paz Vizsla x reader

wordcount: 3.3k

warnings: brief mentions of cannon typical violence, the general awkwardness of writing a new character, fluff

summary: you're someone surprisingly good st finding lost things, and you find a Mandalorian - who's looking for home

Trying to get over my need to over explain things by leaving random plot holes. Don’t think about it too hard.

The charred remnants of the base were in tragic, disorganized, smoking piles all around you.

Feet still, you breathed in through your nose and out through your mouth, too tired to be in awe of what had taken place, too overwhelmed to realize that you were unscathed.

When a figure stepped out from behind one of the heaps, only your eyes moved, impressed in spite of yourself that they had managed to stay silent. It was a being barricaded in armor, solid like they were carved from the mountain around you, but blue, shockingly, wonderfully, beautifully blue.

You wondered if you had it in you to fight him.

It hadn’t been so long ago, that you’d met other Mandalorians – their helmets so full of pompous you wondered how they could fly. As he walked closer, you noticed that he did not look like them, did not hold his chin so high it begged to be knocked with the blunt end of a weapon. There was pride in his shoulders still, but no more than was in yours, and he approached you with empty hands.

“What happened here?” his voice had a rumble but he seemed curious, not disbelieving or angry.

“I tricked them,” you told him, and you were surprised to find yourself unafraid of telling him plainly. “I was looking for a missing flock of sant birds, and found them plumping the bellies of imperial troops.” You gestured loosely to a sparse gaggle of silly little beaked creatures tied a string toward the edge of the rubble. “I muddled the communication signals until they believed there was an incoming attack, and their would-be rescuers believed their own troops were the enemy.”

The Mandalorian's back straightened slightly and his helmet tilted.

“You did that for sant birds?”

“I have no love for imps or those who take what is not theirs,” it came out defensive, although he hadn’t belittled your choice. “It was more effective than I expected, but there were not many living who are not anymore, just droids.”

“You are one who finds what it lost?” there was a question there, but not one spoken aloud, and the subtext screamed.

“Can I help you find something, Mandalorian?”

His shoulders rose slightly - just a hair, really - and you couldn’t sworn his helmet dipped.

“Yes.”

Your fingers danced along the buttons and levers of the ship’s control panels, waiting for a command from your mind that would never come. They moved when you thought, searching for a memory – you couldn’t help it.

Next to you, Paz watched, amused as your sharp eyes were unfocused, mouth open just slightly with unspoken words.

“What are you thinking of, little one?” he asked, as quiet as he could manage, snapping you back to the present.

“When we first met,” you turned to him with a smile that made him fidget in his seat. It baffled him, how good you were, and how steady you’d been by his side.

Paz didn’t respond with words, just a thoughtful hum as he watched the stars race by in streaks. You didn’t know, but he was a little embarrassed by it – how enraptured he’d been by you, how quickly he trusted you.

After being separated from his clan, injured and angry, he had spent months stewing and brewing plans for finding his brethren again to no avail. Paz even hitched rides with strangers and picked up less than ideal work, hoping for something of his people to point him in the right direction.

Still healing, he settled on a little planet known for its rumors, known for spreading and sharing information so fresh it hadn’t had time to be twisted. It was there that he waited for words of Mandalorians, met the… other clans, and it was where he heard of you.

On the surface you weren’t remarkable, the whispers said, just a traveler with an uncanny ability to find lost things, and just smart enough to bend the world to your will and just slippery enough to stay one step ahead of genuine trouble. They said you were caring and cunning and clever and had a knack for judging a person’s character. From word alone he liked that, liked you.

The farmer who owned the barn he was sleeping in told Paz that he had asked you to find an old necklace of his mothers. A day later, both the necklace and a long lost sister were joining them for dinner, and you shrugged off both the thanks and the payment with a smile. Paz knew, because he had heard you distantly, through the weathered slats of the barn, and it stayed with him.

The dismissive words reminded him of home - the first reminder that wasn’t painful - evoking moments that were sweeter than the ache of loss. He would have said the same thing, when the Mandalorian’s who were not warriors requested his help. It wasn’t strict custom, but the way, to accept meals instead of money, stories instead of useless metal. Your actions, words, and far-away laughter reminded him of his home.

And when he found you, uninjured, a glint of satisfaction in your eyes and pride in your shoulders as you spoke casually about justice he couldn’t go back. You were almost glowing in the light of the still smoldering embers, gorgeous and determined and he knew he only had one choice – one shot take you with him.

Paz wasn’t in the habit of making promises he wasn’t absolutely sure he keep but he made himself one that day, buried it like a time capsule somewhere in his chest.

And then immediately put it to the test, by testing you.

He looked over at you, your hands now fiddling with your chair, and he fought the urge to mimic the movements. “I evaluated you,” he hoped you could hear that he was smiling.

You snorted, an impolite noise that made want to laugh.

Standing, you widened you stance comically lifting your limbs in an effort to be bigger, mocking him and saying “If I hire you, little one, I must know that I can trust you,” in an exaggerated tone. The exact words he’d told you after his test was over, something you teased him about often. Paz was laughing, but he wondered if you liked how deep his voice was – it was the key change to your mimicry. Looking satisfied with yourself, you settled down again, reminiscing.

The test had been to accompany him on a mission he’d picked up for extra cash – there were plenty of opportunities to be reckless but you gambled with neither his life nor your own. It was one of those circumstances where you were moving and guarding cargo for a rich young diplomat. He told you afterwards he wanted to see if you’d pocket anything beyond your payment, and of course you hadn’t.

“I passed with flying colors.”

The mission had veered left, when a misinformed bounty hunter pressed the tip of a blaster against your throat. At the time you were nearly strangers, but you didn’t give him up, even when you realized the bounty hunter was looking for a woman.

Paz was as in awe of you then as he was now. You agreed to help him the remnants of his clan, and to travel with him, and his promise to himself remained intact.

He nodded.

When he was young, Paz had a sweetheart, a kind Mandalorian girl with whom he enjoyed spending time with. It fizzled as apprenticeships and training were traded politics and responsibilities, and he had always had fond memories of that time.

It paled in comparison to how he felt about you.

You had been searching on your own for something you swore would help your search, and had been gone for days. If he hadn’t been sure before, he was certain now – what you were to him was infinitely more than anything else he had ever known. Still, he felt like a schoolboy, missing you, glancing at the door to the ship with eagerness every time he heard a creak.

He had thought for weeks it was because you felt like home, had been sure it was your ease with mando'a and his culture that made take to you like a duck to water. It made sense, he reasoned with himself. Of course he missed his family, those he was raised alongside, the very people who gave him purpose in life - of course he was looking for any scrap or taste of that wherever he could get it. Nevermind that your smile made him feel like he’d been stunned, it was just because your personal culture fit his like pieces of his armor.

Anyone would have been pleased, half smitten with someone who allowed then onto their ship, especially one as functional as yours. It was perfectly reasonable that he was comfortable with you, since you were always so thoughtful and honest and caring.

And you were talented, useful, that was all. The reason he valued you so highly was that you made his life easier, matched him step to step and balanced out his strength.

But that was all over now. It was special, how well you fit with him, and not to be taken lightly the vulnerability you gave as you shared your space and rations and time with him. All those other things were true, certainly, tenfold the longer you stayed in his company, but he could no longer explain away how much lighter his heart felt when you trotted into the ship, windblown hair and triumphant eyes.

He wanted you to be by his side, preferably if you wanted to be there.

Standing, he moved towards you, wishing he could hug you as you unceremoniously dumped your supplies on the floor. Instead, he picked them up, piling them or putting them back where they belong as you both filled each other in onto the days passed.

Eventually, the suspense overflowed, your excitement bubbling out of you.

“I got it!” your voice did something when you were excited that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but it made him smile.

“Got what?” Paz swallowed a cyar'ika.

Eagerly, you produced a small drive and plugged it into the display, saying, “A map!” with pride.

“We already have a map,” That time, he nearly choked on the mesh'la his instincts insisted on, looking at you with genuine confusion.

When you grabbed his gloved hand, he thought he might never let it go.

“Not one like this, Paz.” You turned to the floating miniatures, and he only watched your face under their glow a moment longer before he tore himself away to look as well.

It was distracting, how close you stepped to him as you pointed, but your words were thick with value.

The map had details of Mandalorian sightings and rumors and stories. Even more than that, many of the planets had extra information tacked on, about resource numbers. Paz drank them in, your excitement finally making sense as he realized you were starting to highlight the ones where imported goods didn’t match the populations reported. Your voice was telling him you’d find them soon, that for him, you would do whatever it takes. His longing had become yours, in this little ship half buried in the dirt, under the expanse of the sky.

His hand found your shoulder, gently turning you and carefully, carefully, he hugged you.

The first three planets they chased were driven by pure, unadulterated excitement. He was eager for his brothers, eager to go back to protecting those who raised him and those who were being raised alike. Eager to be home, wherever that may be.

But as the weeks wore on, a realization settled in his mind. Finding home would mean your job was complete – his loss would be you, instead of his tribe.

And he did not like that thought at all.

It became a harsh contrast to his eagerness, as jarring as cool water cracking over heated metal, raising a stink that made his eyes threaten to fill. With each lead the two of you chased, there was a twist in his gut, anticipation suddenly less solid in his heart.

Your ship was nice, cozy and reliable, and he had filled his bunk with anything he found in the markets that reminded him of home. In between searches, you always managed to find the littlest work for the highest pay off – and really, work for a Mandalorian and his lovely, cunning companion was more than available. It was nice, filling your little kitchenette with foods you had introduced to him, and whatever he could get his hands on of the ingredients from his memories.

It wasn’t the same as his old home, with the people and culture who had shaped him, but it was something, and he… liked it, a lot.

He had gotten used to you, the way when his frustration built how you’d match it when he needed to, or lock him in a room with a pile of rations, or slip your hand between the gaps of his armor and rub circles with your thumb. Once he’d gotten in his head about the Mandalore, gone so far he wanted to fight everything that moved, maybe even stop some of them from breathing. You walked right up to him, wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned your weight on him until he remembered to breathe. And he didn’t really think anyone else in the galaxy would’ve done that.

So how could he give that up?

There was an elderly woman, Kori, who had missed the battle. Paz told you excitedly that she was fierce and had fought the armorer for the right to travel, unaware of the trouble that followed his brother-in-arms and the child.

You had set up the meeting at a little cantina you knew, and watched as Paz paced around your ship in his newly polished armor.

The last few months with him had been like a dream – and you had never been more selfish. When you’d met this Mandalorian you had been in awe, despite the previous encounters with the beskar-clad race. More than his formidable size, he cared fiercely, almost seeming larger by the passion that filled his frame.

And the more time you spent listening to his stories, why it all mattered so much to him, and having him listen to you in turn, the more thankful you were that he found you, and continued to let you help him in his search. He didn’t need you, not really. The man was resourceful and intimidating and held himself with the confident grace of a predator - it would have been just as easy for him to take what he wanted and be on his way.

It was strange, how his blood was equal parts humble and proud, but you were drawn to it, intoxicated by him. No one had ever made you feel as protected as he did, as… valuable as he treated you, and you ached for him. You couldn’t bear not to help him as much as you could, but you already knew you would miss your long nights spent talking or the way his gloved hand would grab yours like it was his second nature.

When it was time for the meeting, you had put extra care into your appearance, as if it would matter, wanting to make a good impression. Your companion stopped, and looked you over, and your feet shifted on the bumpy ramp of your ship.

Paz rumbled, as he had the first time you’d met, saying, “What is this?”

It made you laugh, sometimes, that someone so powerful and in control could be so awkward at times.

“Is it bad?” you quipped, trying to sound as though you did not care what he thought. In truth, he was the only one you had ever wanted so badly to think you were attractive.

Paz made a small noise, one you thought you recognized as annoyed, and you turned in time to see his helmet shaking and his shoulders tense.

“Mesh'la,” his voice was lower than normal. Logically you should’ve expected it, but it was amazing, almost overwhelming how his hand enveloped your cheek.

“Thank you,” you whispered, leaning into his touch. It was warm, and you felt selfish for wondering how much moreso it would be without his gloves.

And then a moment later the touch broke and he was hurrying to the cantina with you at his heels.

Kori was there, and they embraced. She greeted you kindly, but you kept your distance as they talked.

You settled at the bar, trying not to mourn a relationship that was hardly more than friendship, as you felt the eyes of someone on the back of your neck. It was a familiar feeling, and you turned, assuming it was Paz – but finding a man making his way over to you instead.

He was handsome, too tight clothes stretched over the muscles of his chest and a sweet, crooked smile. It made you think, maybe a distraction wouldn’t be so bad – and it wasn’t, at first. The guy was nice, attractive and charming and respectful enough that you let yourself actually enjoy his company. You almost didn’t feel the Mandalorians watching you – and you certainly didn’t see your Mandalorian's hands clench on the table.

Paz had hardly said a word to you since he dragged you back to the ship. He knew it was making you anxious, knew you were already waiting for him to start packing, knew you deserved some type of explanation as to what was happened but he just couldn’t.

For the very first time in his life he was petrified of getting the words wrong, desperate to say everything as right as be possibly could.

He wasn’t trained in this – they would say it was the way and move on, or have heated conversations driven by what they knew was right. Mandalorians weren’t … tactful, tentative, tender people, but Maker, did he want to be, for you.

You, in your nice clothes, settled in a crate, watching him and waiting, looking just touch guilty.

It’s not your fault, he wanted to say. It was his, for not being honest sooner. For letting you think he wasn’t head over heels in love with you, for letting you believe he would, could leave you. But he was angry, at himself and at the karking boy for thinking he had any right you make you smile like that.

Angry that it took Kori one look to know what he had spent weeks denying, to unearth the promise he'd made himself about keeping you close.

Angry it took her hand on his fists, and her quite, “Home is where the heart is, adi'ka,” for him to realize.

And when Paz was angry, words slipped past his tongue back down his throat like bitter medicine, and he couldn’t make it stop. He was a man who had spent years of his life in absolute control over every muscle in his body but he always failed with one, the one that seemed to matter most.

In the end, he remembered to do what he wished you would do – he pulled you into him, pressing he forehead of his helmet against yours.

In a moment, he could explain himself, tell you he loved you, ask you to let him stay. In a moment he would thank you for finding him.

But for now, he watched as the confusion cleared from your eyes before they closed and your mouth pulled into a smile, and didn’t run from the pride that filled him from head to toe.

taglist:

@fangirl-316 @scribbledghost @writeforfandoms @beautyagegoodnesssize @princess76179 @mrsbentallmadge

#paz vizsla #paz vizsla x reader #star wars #the mandalorian #maybe i don't know people

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kavat · 3 years

Text

The Golden Family “Our Freja is a miracle”

From newspaper Barometern February 1st 2021

Cornelia Dahlgren and Martyn Lester, London, had a daughter named Freja on December 1st. Weight 3410 g, length 50 cm. Cornelia grew up on Öland.

Musician, actor and artist.

The Öland "Idol" participant has finally got her dream role, she has become a mother.

- Our Freja is a miracle, says Cornelia Dahlgren.

LONDON / ÖLAND

How is Freja?

- She is fine. The labor started a little too early, she was scheduled for December 11 but the labour started on November 30. At the hospital, it turned out that she was not positioned quite right. After a day and a half in hospital, we had to make a decision about a caesarean section. When she came out she was very quiet but now we know that she has fully developed lung capacity, haha!

Describe her, how is she as a person?

- Very stubborn and very happy. She is direct and straightforward. Though probably all babies are. But it's never hard to understand what she wants. She has started to smile now and we can see what she's in the mood for.

Freja is your first child, what is it like to become a parent?

- Wonderful. It has been such a long journey with miscarriages and anxiety and then a pandemic on top. Our Freja is a miracle.

That sounds tough, do you want to tell me?

- Yes, I have realized that it is important to talk about miscarriage. For our part, there were several factors that came into play. After several miscarriages and examinations, we received help with IVF. At the end of 2019, the treatment started with injections and medicines, it was a struggle. At the beginning of last year, the actual in vitro fertilization was performed. But it didn’t work out. We had a new time booked when covid struck. It was cancelled and we were not allowed to make any more attempts. It was hard and we were very, very sad.

Hm. But now you have Freja, how did that happen?

- We tried in a natural way and Freja came into being. She really is our miracle baby, in just about every way. But there was a lot of anxiety during the pregnancy. Martyn was only allowed to attend one ultrasound, on the other occasions he had to wait outside on the sidewalk due to covid. But we have received incredibly good support from doctors and midwives, the National Health Service, NHS, has been there for us and we are very grateful.

Did you know it was going to be a girl?

- Yes, but we decided to keep it private. Early in the pregnancy, we did a harmony test, a blood test where you look for the baby's DNA in the mother's blood to see if everything looked good. It did and we were told at the same time that it was a girl.

Was it easy to come up with the name?

- We actually had time to talk about boy names before we got to know the gender and the name that was at the top of the top list was Leif. My dad's name is Leif and we were into Nordic mythology and history and also thought of Leif Eriksson. We came to Freja when Martyn said that he liked the name Gaia, the goddess of the earth and fertility in Greek mythology. We have no biological or historical roots in that mythology, but the idea was nice and then I thought of Freja of Nordic mythology. Freja represents love and fertility for us and when she was born the name was so right.

Does she have any more names?

- Yes, she has a lot of names, haha! Her name is Freja Dorothy Gunnel Dahlgren Lester. Dorothy is after Martyn's grandmother who he has always described as a fantastic person, and Gunnel is after my grandmother. Neither Dorothy nor Gunnel are alive anymore, but it felt natural to choose their name. The funny thing is that Freja has the same hair color as my grandmother and me.

What about baptism?

- The idea is, depending on how everything develops with the pandemic, that we will be able to have baptism on Öland in July. I have been on Öland every summer since I was four years old and when I was ten we moved there, I see Öland as my home.

Is Freja a British citizen?

- We are applying for a British passport and later we will apply for a Swedish passport. We might try to see if she can have dual citizenship later on. The plan is also for her to become bilingual so that she can speak to all Swedish and English relatives and therefore I only speak Swedish with her.

If you search for Cornelia Dahlgren in Barometern-OT's archive, you get lots of hits, you have been in the band Popshop and ”Idol” in 2004, you have been on the stage of Dramaten and everything. How did you end up in London?

- I was at Red Bull Music Academy's bootcamp in Barcelona in 2008 and got to know some British musicians who invited me to London. I thought I would try to live there for a year and well, I met Martyn through the music, we started talking and got to know each other. Although it took me a while to get that he was interested in that way, haha!

How does it work with parental leave in the UK?

- Not so great. You have two months with full pay, then it drops significantly. And if you look further ahead, when it's time for childcare, well then it's tempting to move back to Sweden. But Martyn is self-employed and would have a hard time moving. In London, it is difficult to get a preschool place, the prices are so high, it is cheaper with daycare. Then you can have a nanny but it is not for people with regular incomes.

What do you do?

- I started as an event manager in my partner's company, IRL Digital Ltd, and am now a brand manager and work with marketing, entertainment and merchandise that is not just fast fashion.

What do you miss from Sweden?

- It’s been over ten years since I lived in Sweden but I miss the cleanliness, nature and the right of public access. I also miss the good tap water. And my family of course, my sister and her family in Stockholm and my mother and her husband, and my father and his wife who all live on Öland.

What are you looking forward to?

- Oh, that's so much! I look forward to playing and singing with Freja, that she will share Martyn's interest in skateboarding. But, and this sounds so cheesy, that little piece that was missing in my life has finally fallen into place. Becoming a parent means not prioritizing yourself first. I look forward to meeting myself as Freja's mother. Of course I want to see Freja grow up and get to know her, but I have not allowed or dared to think of myself as a mother and I look forward to meeting myself.

Anna Mi Matzén

#whatever cat #cornelia dahlgren #martyn lester #baby freja

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falcor-thee-luck-dragon · 3 years

Text

Love Cuts Deep

Chapter 7- Touch Me Under The Stars

Bucky Barnes x reader Series Rewrite (Civil War, Infinity War/Endgame, TFATWS)

Summary: Now that Bucky is finally out of Cryo, the two of you adjust to life in Wakanda.

Warning: fluff, smut (it gets spicy), Bucky being soft

Masterlist

Life in Wakanda was something you could never have ever dreamed of, they literally had everything here. The buildings were huge, the people so interesting and lively, the scenery absolutely breathtaking, and the tech? Out of this fucking world to put it bluntly. Tony Stark who?

Though you’d be a lying fool if you claimed to be fully satisfied with your new corner of the globe, you had a place to exist and feel comfortable in, even a nice apartment overlooking the city that’s attached to where Bucky is currently being held in.

Right. Bucky.

He’s been on your mind as of late, well in actuality he’s been consuming most of your brain processing for the past couple weeks since you and him arrived here with T’Challa and Steve after the mess in Siberia.

Another painful memory added to the already long list of traumatic experiences endured by you throughout these past sixty or so years. But you’re surviving, well enough for the most part that is; you see Steve left soon after Bucky went into the Cryo chamber. Leaving yourself all on your lonesome in a strange new country with no friends but T’Challa.

If you could even consider him a friend.

Who by the way, makes you still feel pretty uncomfortable around considering all the times you beat the shit out of each other in the past, and he thought you and Bucky killed his dad, so it’s been light treading even if he insists it’s all in the past.

On a lighter note you met his little sister Shuri, who upon discovering who you were and what you can do, immediately began marveling at the fact that you have Adamantium claws in your forearms. She was thoroughly impressed and asked for you to cut a lot of random expensive looking objects for scientific purposes only.

Well that’s what she claimed at least. Other then then those two, you’ve been pretty solitary for the most part. Which has really started getting to you recently, something that T’Challa has begun to notice.

That man is too observant for his own good.

Wind rustles the jungle trees from outside this large glass window in the lounging area of King T’Challa’s extravagant home. They sway freely in the open sun as they stretch their great green leaves to the beautiful sky above. But no bout of joy resides in your heart this day, no matter how enticing the weather may appear.

Soon a new presence is felt in the room, though it’s nothing to be alarmed about as he walks to your side, a thoughtful yet concerned expression crossing over his kingly features, “Are you finding your stay here welcoming Y/N?” Wonders T’Challa softy as you slowly blink.

“I am.”

He frowns, you’ve been quit talkative before, but now you barely even speak to anyone, “My friend I know you are not alright. Please tell me what troubles your heart.”

Dammit he’s good.

Sighing, you hug your sides as he patiently awaits an honest answer, frowning, you reluctantly begin, “I thought I would be fine....I’ve always been alone for most of my life anyways. Never counted on anyone but myself. Never needed anyone but myself. That’s how I survived. It’s just now.....I have Bucky. And I care about him more then anything in the world, but he’s gone.......well not really but, you know.” You whisper before turning your head towards some tall trees so that the king cannot see the way that your eyes brim with unshed tears. God the ache you feel for him is almost unbearable.

Understanding your deep sorrow from your lovers absence, T’Challa slowly nods, “I cannot fully express an understanding of your pain, as I have never felt it like the way that you have now. Nor have I lived the life of your own.” He admits as you turn your head to catch him in your peripheral vision, not quit ready to meet his unthreatening gaze.

He swallows before continuing, “But this I do know, you are a warrior if I’ve ever known one, and I know many.” Chuckles the king, “You fight fiercely and love deeply, Bucky should be proud to have you by his side. I may envy that kind of love, though I should not say it, it is true.”

A stray tear slides down your cheek as you quickly wipe it away with the back of your hand, “Love.” You whisper softly in thought, “I do love him, yes....very much. I’ve been withdrawn lately, because well, I guess I miss him more then I’d realize I would. I hope your people help him. That’s all I ask for, I’ll wait forever if I have to.”

“You might not be waiting quit that long actually.” Reveals Shuri as her familiar footsteps wander into the large sun-lite room overlooking the jungle, “My team just needs a couple more days with him and he’ll be good to go for the most part. Though the process of fully becoming free from the trigger words may take a little longer....his mind will still need time to heal.” Explains Shuri as she moves to stand on your left, opposite of her half-brother.

At this your heart speeds up with excitement, eyes turning to face the smiling princess , “I don’t want to threaten royalty, but I might break a couple of your lounge chairs if you’re lying to me. I’m not joking.” You add half jokingly as T’Challa lightly chuckles.

“Now I do not doubt that.”

——

Today you’ve been summoned into the lab in preparation for Bucky’s defrosting, claiming that having a familiar face as the first thing he sees was probably the best for when he wakes up again, at least that’s what the doctors told you.

And of course you didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So now here you are in their cleaner then a soap bottle lab, standing nervously a couple feet away from the Cryo chamber as some scientists go about their duties to his left. It’s strange, he looks relatively peaceful and serene, like he’s having a nice little nap while standing upright and covered in frost.

Nonetheless Bucky looks handsome as always, soon a tiny subconscious smile tugs at the corner of your lips as you await the aftermath of the defrosting process. A button is hit and the familiar whoosh of the air chamber fills your ears as bouts of warm white steam push up into the air from the bottom and sides of his chamber.

The inside goes foggy before one of the scientists flicks a switch and the glass door pops open to emit a plethora of tiny clouds that float up and dissipate just as quickly. In the aftermath, your eyes search for Bucky, he’s still sleeping and is covered in a couple specks of blue frost, his hair undoubtedly wet from the chamber’s atmosphere.

“Give him a moment, he may be slightly disoriented as the body wakes up again.” Explains Shuri from the doorway as you bite your bottom lip anxiously in anticipation for when he’s finally conscious.

“Right.” You nod in understanding, “Not like this isn’t the first time I’ve seen him this way.” You mutter with a depressing chuckle.

A second later you’re alerted to the sound of someone sucking in a deep breath, immediately your head snaps over to witness as Bucky stirs, his fingers curl back to life as his lips part. Then soon after his two icy blue pools slowly reveal themselves to the rest of the lab as he takes a look around.

Your fists grip tightly onto the fabric of your jacket as Bucky swallows before blinking back the slight blur of waking up from a couple weeks of hibernation. The scientists, Shuri, and you study his movements as Bucky’s brow raises in thought, his eyes only on you.

“How longs it been?” He wonders before taking a step to get out of the Cryo chamber.

“Exactly a month and a half Mr. Barnes.” Chirps Shuri enthusiastically as he nods in understanding before she gives a glance between the two of you, “Alright, I’ll give you and Miss. Valerious some time to catch up while we check your vitals.” Adds the princess before exiting out the door, the other scientists following suit.

Now it’s just you and your Bucky; glancing at the floor, the two of you wander into a semi-awkward silence before he finally breaks the ice, “You look good.” He mutters softly, a small reassuring smile on his pink lips as your eyes trail up to meet his.

Revealing a breathy laugh, you shrug, “Hardly. But you on the other hand, white, I like it. It’s a good color on you.”

His stubbled cheeks flush pink as he smiles brightly, “I think I remember you telling me the exact same thing before I went under.”

“Well I just told you again, because I mean it.”

“Well I like the new style..” Points Bucky to your outfit, “it’s Wakandian but very Y/N.....I like it.”

Shaking your head you begin giggling at his adorable compliment, “Barnes you’re too much....but seriously, how do you feel? Are you dizzy? Nauseous? Thirsty?”

He smiles, “No, uh....I actually feel pretty good honestly. I could go for something to eat though, I’m starving.”

Walking over you gently take his hand in yours, “Say no more. T’Challa’s got everything here.”

——

After Bucky got readjusted and evaluated by Shuri’s team of incredible scientists and brilliant doctors, Bucky was well on his way to a full recovery from the years of mental torture given to him by Hydra. The words didn’t affect him anymore, the anxiety surrounding the very thought of breaking and turning on everyone again was a thing of the past.

He was your Bucky, completely.

In the following days after, T’Challa found a nice place on the outskirts of the grand city where you and Bucky could lay low and recover for some time as needed. Not wanting to over due your stay in his lavish home, and also wanting to feel the breeze again, you both agreed to live in a little village on the edge of a large pond.

All of it was Wakanda, so neither you nor Bucky stressed any worry that the Romanian and German authorities would come bursting through the front gates to whisk you away for your crimes. Or Tony Stark for that matter, he definitely hates you guys without a doubt in your mind.

Definitly with good reason, but that doesn’t mean you’d ever dare give Bucky up.

But on to greener pastures, it’s truly a possible thing that you’ve never seen Bucky in colors besides black or faded red shirts. But now? He wanders around in the brilliantly beautiful colors of Wakanda and her people with a brighter smile on his lips and lack of one arm for the time being.

Ah yes, the arm.

For the most part he’s been fine about it, though he needs your assistance when getting dressed or when attempting to wash the grime from his growing mane. Although, and fortunately for you, he’s still quit proficient in the area of love making with no decline in performance with lack of one arm, much to your satisfaction and his.

Besides that, it’s amusing, since you’ve been staying in this little friendly village, the kids have begun calling him the White Wolf when they want his attention. Which in turn earns a small smile upon his lips, one because he knows you usually hear it and think it’s adorable, and two it’s probably the first honestly kind thing anyone has ever placed on him, ever.

Walking across the villages center area, past huts and ladies washing some of their tunics, you follow the excited rambling of one of the village children as she talks a mile a minute about how you just have to see this really cool thing right now without exception. So of course you have to see this really cool thing, right now.

“Y/N! Y/N! Come! Faster you’re going to miss it, hurry you’re being slow.” Urges Ryn’a with a wave of her hand as she beckons you to starts running with her.

Heeding to her urgent request, you give her aunt a pursed lip grind before racing after the sprinting child, “This better be very interesting, or I’ll throw you into the water again!” You playfully threaten as she giggles across the grassy field.

Soon you’re crouching behind a rock as she peeks over the stony edge, ducking back down, she gives you a mischievous grin, “The White Wolf doesn’t see us.”

Raising a brow you nod, “This is what you wanted me to see? Him?”

Shaking her head she rolls her dark eyes in amusement, “No. We’re hunting.” She smirks in excitement as your brows furrow in confusion. Huh?

“Uh.....what?” Suddenly you connect the dots, “Are we hunting the White Wolf?” You ask, pretty damn positive that’s where this little adventure is going.

Shaking your shoulder excitedly she squeaks with joy before instantly catching herself and quieting down real quick, “He’s just over this rock. Chopping wood for the fire tonight....we need to hit him with a stick okay, then we run.”

Slowly nodding, your eyes trail over her excited face, “Hmm, okay. But I gotta ask, did Kova put you up to this and I’m now an accomplice?”

Biting her bottom lip, she diverts her gaze to the bushes behind you before mumbling out, “He might have......and if I was to hit the White Wolf on his head without getting caught. I’d get to play the drums for the fire tonight.” She whispers almost embarrassed.

Giving her a kind smile, you gently touch her shoulder in reassurance as she looks to you now, “Well then. Looks like we’re on a wolf hunt today, huh. Lucky for you, I’m great at throwing sticks.”

Immediately she squeals in joy before standing as still as stone, “Sorry.”

“No worries. I don’t think he heard a sound.” You reply, snatching a ruler sized stick from the ground before peeking over the grey sun kissed rock.

There he is, in his red tunic completely oblivious, using a Vibranium axe to chop away at the wood for tonight’s fire dance. Sitting back down, you press your back against the stone as Ryn’a clenches her fists in excited anticipation, “Ready, Y/N?” You nod as she smiles.

“Okay good....don’t miss.” She warns.

“I never miss.” You muse before turning back around, your eyes peek up over the edge and watch as Bucky sets another log on the flat rock, he hauls the axe down, splitting the wood in two.

Setting the axe down again, he walks over to the small log pile before selecting one and setting it back on the flat rock, bending down to grab the axe and when he stands to his full height again...

Smack!

Instantly the dry weather worn stick flies from the back of his head to the ground below as he throws a wary look in your direction. Though he sees absolutely nothing but a big grey rock and some bushes. Touching the back of his head, he looks down and swiftly picks up the relatively unthreatening piece of dried wood.

Studying it like it’s the holy grail and will give him all the answers to eternal life and whatnot, he throws it to the ground before continuing with his duties as you turn back to Ryn’a. “That was a good hit.....can you do it again? Please?” Mutters the little beast as you settle down from that adrenaline rush of perfectly nailing Bucky in the back of his head without getting caught.

Let’s not forget you were one of Hydra’s most deadliest assassins.

Her dark chocolate eyes stare pleadingly and puppy-like as she fake pouts, “Please Y/N? I won’t ever leave another turtle in your house ever again....promise. I promise, please?” She quietly begs as you contain your laughter.

“Yeah alright. But you’re gonna have to run cause he’s probably gonna figure out where the second one came from.” You add with a smirk, “I’ll deal with the wolf after. I can take him.”

“Yes!” She squeaks, “Oh, sorry I mean....yes.” She whispers quietly as you search for a new stick to throw.

Soon enough you find another and cautiously look around the side of the rock this time, there’s Bucky, setting another log on the flat rock before slicing it in half. Instantly the biggest grin pulls your lips into a Cheshire Cat smile as he turns to grab another log.

Smack!

“Hey! Who was that?!” He shouts in confusion as Ryn’a bursts with laughter before booking it back to the safety of the village while you crouch there behind a rock cackling like a child.

God that was such an accurate hit too. And he didn’t even see it coming.

Suddenly you hear the sounds of feet running against the earth, when Bucky makes it to the back of the large rock you’re nowhere to be found. Brows furrowing, he looks at the bushes and then over to the nearby village before shaking his head and turning around to walk back over to his usual duties for the day.

Only now he’s confronted by the casually innocent face of you who’s standing there with the axe slung over your shoulder, “Something scare you Barnes?” You muse with a small laugh before nodding towards the wood, “I mean these logs can be pretty scary I won’t hold it against you. You might have seen a snake, who knows.”

Sauntering back over to you he stands there for a moment just observing your casually calm self, “Why do I have a suspicion you just hit me with a stick. Twice.”

Shrugging, you slam the axe into the dirt before rising up to meet his humored gaze, “Maybe it was a Rhino, maybe it was a little nine year old who needed me to win her a drum. Guess you’ll never know.”

Glancing from the ground then back up to you again, Bucky shakes his head at your theatrical antics, warm smile ghosting across his lips, “Well just so you know it didn’t hurt.” Assures your big tough man with a nod.

“I’ll use a bigger stick next time.” You quip as he takes a step closer to you.

Handsome face breaking out into a beaming grin, “Come on, let’s go for a walk. I’m tired of chopping wood.” He says as his fingers ghost against the bare skin of your sleeveless shoulders, “I just want to be with you.”

Touching the side of of his stubbly cheek affectionately, you smile, “Where too? By the pond?” Which causes him to snort a breathy laugh.

“No, I don’t trust you by open water.”

You shrug in agreement, remembering the first time you both arrived here and the children brought you into a splashing fight where you got Bucky’s hair all wet, “Yeah that’s fair.”

——

After enjoying a pleasant evening walk together, eating a delicious traditional Wakandian meal, and watching the performers for the celebration dance and beat on their drums for hours into the night. You and Bucky decided to steal away from the festivities and have a little moment together under the stars, just you and him, nothing and no one else.

“That was nice wasn’t it.” You mutter as he lays on his back next to you, “I like these people. They’re kind.”

Turning his head to meet your shadowed face, he smiles adoringly as you keep a steady gaze set on the stars above, “Well, no ones trying to kill us so I’d say we’re doing alright.”

“We are, aren’t we. Who would have thought that shit huh? Two ex-assassins, two fucked up people like us laying like sappy teenagers under the stars. This almost feels like some stupid romantic film.”

Bucky lets out a proper laugh this time as you send him a humored look, “What? I’m being honest!”

Quickly he rolls onto his side to face you, a new sultry flicker flashing through his dark gaze, “Maybe I like being sappy with you.” He mutters lovingly before trailing a finger across your jaw as you study his face.

“Sappy with me? Why Mr. Barnes are you flirting with me this fine evening?” You muse with a breathy chuckle as he smiles brightly down at you.

“I was hoping you’d notice, is it working?” He asks, a hopeful look in his dark blue eyes.

Leaning closer, he’s pleasantly surprised when you gently press your lips to his, “My God James you’re making me swoon.” You jest before snickering at your shitty old-timey accent replacing the Eastern European one, “Why I’ve never met such a character, now tell me Mr. Barnes, are you a single man?”

Holding in his laughter, he takes a breath before answering, “Doll, I’m taken.”

Gasping in mock surprise, you quickly sit up before pushing him onto his back by both shoulders, your legs to either side of his torso as your faces keep mere inches apart, “Well, well, well how about that.” You slyly tisk, your natural accent dripping heavily as it sends a thrill through Bucky, “Lucky woman indeed. But I can guarantee you, I’m much more enticing.”

Bucky shivers as you lean your body closer to his, your silky hands to either side of his flushed face as you smile a devilish grin in the darkness, “I don’t doubt it.” He rasps, voice just barley above a whisper, lips so close to yours now you could almost taste him.

“I just realized something.” You suddenly mumble against his plush inviting lips.

Bucky hums in reply, to completely and utterly enthralled by your seductive charm to even form a coherent sentence, you smirk before rising to properly sit up against him, “Bucky, you look better in the dark.”

His stomach rises with a deep laugh that rubs pleasingly against your growing warmness as he gently squeezes a hand on your right thigh, “You’re gonna get it for that one.” He muses, appearing like he’s about to flip you over but you’re not having any of that.

Pressing a hand against his firm chest, you suddenly grind your clothed nether regions slowly and meticulously against his lower stomach. He quickly lets out a low guttural moan as you lean down to press a chaste kiss against his lips.

Pulling away, you rest one hand on the thin Wakandian blanket that’s keeping you two from the dirty ground below, your other hand gently trailing down the side of his stubbly face, “Just let me make love to you okay? If you want that i...”

“Yes!” Interrupts Bucky with a great bout of enthusiasm before catching himself, “I mean....uh, yes please.” He mutters, failing to regain his composure as you circle your hips against his fiery skin. Oh, you are certainly enjoying yourself.

Smiling into the half moonlight, your eyes trail cautiously over to the burning village bond-fire a small trek away, seeing everyone laughing and minding their sweet business you then immediately pull your shirt off, your bra following right after just as quickly. Laying discarded on the nearby grass for later; Bucky’s eyes go wide with lust as the outline of your curves and protruding breasts flash like gold in the moonlight.

God you’re so beautiful, he thinks, and all mine.

The smile that Bucky gives you could just about light up a room on the darkest of nights, he wants you, he needs to be consumed by you, to feel you for all that you are. You can see it by the way that he rubs your partially exposed thigh, by the way his eyes never leave yours and when they do it’s to wander around your divine vessel.

He’s never been more in love then in this very moment, if that’s even possible; he’s never really spoken too deeply about it, his time with Hydra. But he’s undoubtedly glad that you found him when you did, he was in a dark place then. Lost and alone, on the run and keeping to the shadows as best he could from the rest of the hungry eyes of the world.

Then one day out of the blue you showed up with nothing but your wits and a kind smile to show you meant no harm, all you wanted was to see him again after all that time apart from your escape and his imprisonment with Hydra. He was sent to kill you, but you came back to him anyways.

He didn’t understand it at first, when he began to realize what falling in love truly felt like, but with time it came to him. At first sight wasn’t something that happened by any means, he was nervous to see you, standing there so innocently in his apartment in Bucharest. He thought he was being careful, he thought he was safe.

But then Hydra’s most prized weapon and most difficult one at that, you, had shown up to make sure he was okay. He couldn’t believe it, but what scared him the most as he let you stay with him, he was slowly but surly beginning to fall in love with you.

Now that was a new feeling he hadn’t felt in decades, you intrigued him, made him laugh with the simplest of offhanded side comments, made him try to be a better person. And most of all you made him feel wanted and loved, and that is something he will always hold dearly to his very heart and soul.

Because as you’ve said to him, you’re his ride or die no exception, you’ll always be there to throw a punch for him or to gather himself in your arms when the darkness threatens to consume him for all he’s worth.

You’re not afraid of him like so many are, you don’t run from danger, oh no, when Bucky’s concerned. You’re ass will fight to exhaustion to keep him safe and alive. Which so far has proved a very useful state of mind in consideration to the past events that have currently led you two on this ever changing roller coaster.

From Bucharest to Berlin, a flight to Siberia and a long skip down to Wakanda; you two will be by each other’s side no matter the distance. Because to put it bluntly, you’re all Bucky has left in the world and Bucky is all you have either, one without the other would be a dreadful existence.

Luckily for you, Bucky’s incredibly alive and doing pretty damn alright all things considered. Also for the current moment, he’s becoming an undone mess underneath you. Which is just what you’ve wanted, he deserves it.

Trailing a fiery pathway of butterfly kisses from his collarbone all the way up to his neck and jawline, Bucky emits a deep groan of pleasure as you palm him through his baggy pants that have started to tent with the pull of his growing hardness.

His lower half is still clothed while your whole body is free for the shimmering stars to bear witness to, and Bucky of course. “Y/N. Please.” He rasps as you feel up his clothed manhood while you grind tirelessly against his bare stomach, the sensation no doubt drawing you into a blissful rising climax to follow.

Stopping your pleasurable attack to his hardened member, you swiftly roll off of him as you decide it’s time to get things rolling, “Alright hot stuff get that shit off, I need you inside me right the fuck now.”

“Give me a sec...” Grunts Bucky as he kicks off his pants into the grass before you help him prepare to slip off his underwear, holding the top rim of the fabric, you generously pull it to his ankles before he kicks them off completely.

He chuckles as your face flashes with delight once all the goods are finally shown at long last, “See something you like?” Quips your man as your head snaps up to meet his amused gaze, huh were you staring?

A hot second later you’re hovering directly above his heated body as he strains from grabbing your soft hips and pushing your slick entrance into him. He wants you to enjoy yourself more then anything in the world, so instead does he pull you in for a heated kiss.

“I see many things that I like.” You whisper against his soft lips before slowly sinking down onto him, the sensation of his fullness and girth pulling you into a world of bliss.

Your smile is almost provocative as he moans, the sounds of his pleasure sending sparks of electricity into your system, “God Buck, you feel so fucking good.” You praise, rolling your hips back and forth against him shamelessly, God he loves it when you sweet talk him

He smirks against the corner of your lips before kissing your cheek, “You.....to-too.” Stutters Bucky while you continue to relentlessly ride him like a wild bull, the rocking of your hips causing him to forget how to properly speak.

He looks absolutely angelic, dark locks spread out upon the Wakandian blanket, shirtless, and face smiling with great happiness and joy that he’s been so terribly deprived of for such a long time. Not anymore. Not if you can help it.

Biting your lip when his member twitches inside you, you’re helpless to stop as a soft voluptuous whimper leaves your parted lips unexpectedly when he bucks his hips into you for some more friction. Noticing how well this new action is being received by you, Bucky does it over and over again until you’re nothing but a moaning mess above him.

Dammit he knows how to make you feel good.

Your body falling fully onto him as he makes you cum hard, “F-fuck.....oh God Buck, fuck me.” You mumble against his lips as he thrusts up into you over and over until he finally spills inside you with a concentrated grunt.

“oh.” You gasp breathlessly as Bucky flips you onto your back in one skilled motion, still deep within your wet warmness as his whole body presses you wonderfully into the soft blanket, “I hope they can’t see us.” You point out as Bucky chuckles before kissing your jawline, strong hips pushing against yours as he parts your legs further with his large body.

“It’s dark out.” Mutters Bucky in reply as he pulls another moan from your sweet lips, “They’re dancing.....and we’re....oh fuck....uhh....yes...” He can’t even finish his sentence as you suddenly squeeze your walls tightly around his cock as a second orgasm hits you, “Dear God Y/N.” Moans Bucky while you trail pink fiery lines down his muscular back.

Smiling against his lips, you fully enjoy the sensation of his thick member sliding in and out of you at a blissfully rapid pace as he continues to make a mess down there with his pleasure inducing actions. You’re incredibly grateful for the fire dance celebration happening a little ways away and all the loud pounding of the tribal drums that masks over the sounds of yours and Bucky’s intense love making on the Wakandian savanna.

Biting your lip, you can’t help when more whiney moans slip from your mouth, he’s a relentless force of lust and love that’s on a mission to see you filled to the brim with pleasure once more. He needs you, he wants every single inch of your heated vessel, he needs you to come for him just one last time.

“Y/N.” Mumbles Bucky against your parted lips as you slowly nod in acknowledgment, too fucked out to think. He smirks, “Cum for me, last time okay.” Says your lover sweetly as his hips roll against your sweaty skin, sending waves of building pleasure on a crash course for your hot core that’s pulsating in delight.

Digging your nails into the slick muscle of his broad back, you suck in a breath while his hard member slides in and out of you with ease. You’re about to come undone right under him yet again, the power of this man you could just about die happy, “Fuck,” You whimper helplessly as he kisses your cheek, “oh God Buck I’m close.”

He smiles proudly as his hips thrust forward, cock sliding deep within your warm walls as his manhood presses on the brim of your entrance, working absolute wonders on your over-stimulated clit.

Soon enough, the tight coil bursts open, sending shock waves of absolute radiant bliss that causes your muscles to tighten and shake reflexively. A sudden wetness slips out around his cock and onto the Wakandian blanket that’s definitely going to need a deep cleaning tomorrow.

The new liquid slides down your inner thighs as your body slowly yet surly comes down from your salaciously erotic climax; head unclouding the thick fog away, you take a deep breath only for yourself to realize you just squirted for the first time ever.

And it appears Bucky has just come to this thrilling realization too, locking eyes with him, you’re greeted with a sly smirk, “Did I just make you squirt?” Muses Bucky in underlying excitement as you simply roll your eyes.

“Well, it’s not like I can deny it considering it’s all over the blanket, among other places.” You sass back, still aware of how he’s still buried deep inside you, “Proud of yourself?” You add with a small laugh.

Kissing your lips in reply, he pushes himself up by his one arm to gently slip out of you before laying in an exhausted heap at your side, “Actually. Yes, I am very proud of myself thanks for asking.” Quips Bucky while his hand trails down your bare rib cage before a huge grin reveals itself in the darkness, “I just made my girlfriend squirt!” Shouts Bucky without a care in the whole goddamn world.

Smacking his arm, you quickly sit up and look around, though it appears no one even knows you two are out here, “Will you shut up!” You whisper yell down at Bucky who’s giving you the biggest white toothed smile ever, “Stop smiling it wasn’t that impressive.”

Faking a half offended look, he pats your leg affectionately, “It was! And you seemed to be enjoying it so just accept that I’ve gotten better at this.”

You scoff, “I never said you weren’t. It’s just we’ve been together for almost three years and that’s the first time I’ve ever done.....that. So..”

“And it just happened so therefore I am amazing and you’re just going to have to accept how hot I am Y/N.”

“Buc..”

“I was getting you all hot and bothered doll.” Winks Bucky seductively as you shake your head at him, a reluctant smile creeping onto your beautiful features anyway.

“God you’re so old.”

Bucky snorts, “And aren’t you 65 or something? Sleeping with a 90 year old man....Y/N you’re getting out of hand.”

Shoving his hand off of your leg, you swiftly fall into his side as his arm curls up to wrap protectively against your waist, “Bucky shut your ass up.” You snicker, “I liked you better when I was on top. All you did was give me that “oh god Y/N oh fuck me ohhh I’m gonna I’m gonna...”

Bucky squeezes your side, “Okay. Okay. I get it you little asshole....let’s just, let’s just rest a moment yeah?”

You hum, shifting yourself so that you can lay against his chest, “Getting mushy on me now Barnes?” You whisper softly with a playful smirk.

A small smile pulls at the corners of his plush lips while he glances down at you, “A little.”

For about twenty minutes the two of you keep silent, just listing to the yelps and thunderous pounding of the drums from farther away. There is no reason to leave, no reason to move, no reason to speak. Just you two, laying wrapped up together in each others loving embrace, taking in the moment for as long as you can. The future is always uncertain, so every single second with Bucky is a blessing to be cherished and consumed for all you can take.

His breaths are slow and steady as you feel the soft rise and fall of his muscular chest that’s pressed against your breasts and face. His fingers run gentle line up and down your naked skin as you hug him close.

“Do you remember when we first saw one another?” Asks Bucky, his voice almost startling you. Lips just barley brush against your naked shoulder as he holds you close, your face nuzzled comfortably against his dark hair.

You pause, eyes blinking as they shift over to Bucky while he awaits an answer, “It was a long time ago Buck.”

“I know. But do you remember?”

Shrugging, you shift a bit to have a better look at his face, “I do. But you were the Winter Soldier and I was.....something I never want to be ever again.” You mutter, the sadness and regret deep in your soft voice.

All goes silent for the next couple minutes before Bucky suddenly kisses your shoulder, “I thought you were beautiful.”

Yours brows raise as you pull from his right grasp to sit up on one elbow while you look down at him, a lump forming in the back of your throat as you hold back tears. You didn’t expect to get this emotional but here you are naked and bare for him, “You did?”

Bucky nods in the darkness, heart hurting when your voice cracks, he’s never told you a word about how he felt when he was a weapon, “And every day after that.”

“oh.”

“I didn’t want them to.....well, you know.....I didn’t want to forget you.” Confesses Bucky, “I’m so fucking glad I didn’t. Thank you for finding me Y/N....I owe you my life.”

Biting the bottom of your quivering lip, he smiles adoringly up at you, “Bucky....shut up you’re going to make me cry you bastard.” He laughs as you indeed shed a couple stray tears in this soft moment of vulnerability with your sweet man as he holds you protectively in his arm.

“I mean it...every single word, you mean so much to me Y/N. The world would be a darker place without you in it...”

You lower your head in shame, all those buried memories piling up all at once, “No. No it wouldn’t be....I’m part of the darkness Bucky...you know that..”

“Y/N, look at me, please.” Begs Bucky as you begrudgingly lift your head for him to meet your tearfully sad eyes, “Don’t let them win. What they did to us, what they made us do....you’re so much better then all of that. We’ve changed Y/N, for the better and you know it...the words can’t break me anymore and you, you’re free.”

“Okay.” Is all you’re able to rasp out before more tears fall willingly from your eyes, tiny water droplets of grief and remorse pattering against his bare chest, Bucky’s heart breaks for your pain and loss, and everything those fuckers at Hydra put you through before your escape to freedom.

He knows how much you hate yourself for all the innocent people you killed, granted not many were adherently innocent, but there where many that died by your hand because wrong place wrong time or by Hydra manipulation. Selling you false secrets that painted some people who were indeed good, as the enemy equal to the worst kinds of humans.

He knows, and he refuses to let you fall into this dark pit of despair, “I love you...okay, Y/N I love you so fucking much.” His words are well heard and received as you bury your face into the crook of his neck.

There he holds you tightly, there he will protect you with his life, and there he will stay with you under the stars until dawn breaks out over the horizon.

Tagged: @diegos-butt @minigranger @bibliophilewednesday @holyhumorliteraturelight @lilacs-lavender @a-girl-who-loves-disney @starkssnarks @vikingqueen28 @bizarrebibitch @atomicpersonacheesecake @jmstz @staygoldsquatchling02 @marvelbros-oneshots @shawnartmendes @mischiefmanaged71 @jckie94 @iamasimpingh0e

#bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x reader #the winter soldier #the winter soldier x you #the winter soldier x y/n #the winter soldier x reader #marvel imagine #marvel x y/n #marvel x reader #marvel x you #marvel #tfatws #the avengers imagine #avengers x fem!reader #avengers x reader #avengers x you #james buchanan barnes

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mehphoobia · 3 years

Text

You are beautiful

pairing - Tom Holland (actor) x Reader (college girl)

summary - Y/n is visiting her parents for the first time to Rio, whom she doesn’t know properly because they left her with her aunt when she was young. She is insecure about meeting her parents but she finds comfort in a stranger.

MASTERLIST

word count- 2.9k or around 3k

warnings - mentions of insecurity and self doubt, no swearing(cause its like my first post so gotta stay ‘pure’)

“Get up Y/N and Claudia…its 8 am already. We are going to be late.” a faint alarm could be heard from the kitchen, two rooms away from your room.

_______________________________________________________________

Your parents had been looking forward this vacation for months. With your father working in Rio for the past 7 years and your mother being a full time nurse at a nearby hospital in Rio where your parents lived, you never got a chance to feel how it felt to be with your parents. So naturally with no one to your care, you grew up with your Aunt Cass and your cousin Claudia, around whom your entire world revolved for the past 20 years.

________________________________________________________________

Grumpy, filled with laziness up to the brim Claudia dragged herself to your bed and tortured you to get up. “Just two more minutes. I swear”, you begged as if she was listening. Then came the final blow with a splash of water on your face and then well….its self-explanatory. You both got up, finished through the verbal fight which left Aunt Cass chuckling in the kitchen.

“Aren’t you a tad bit excited to go to Rio, it’s been years since your parents last spent time with you.” Asked Claudia looking at you expression-less face in the mirror while brushing your teeth. “I don’t know Cloud, it’s just that I don’t know how I should feel about it. I am nervous and scared and tired just thinking about how awkward it can get.”

________________________________________________________________

Your parents had last seen you on your 16th birthday, when they showed up at your house. The 16th year where you are neither an adult nor a child, of all those years they could have shown up, it was that year. Your mother had gifted you a manicure set and your father had bought you a hair kit and you absolutely had no idea what to do with it. Little did they know that you were more interested in trekking and photography rather than painting your nails and dyeing your hair? Where other girls chose tight fitting dresses and expensive heels you chose the comfort of sweatshirts: pajamas or jeans and sneakers.

_______________________________________________________________

“You will be fine, it’s YOU after all. If I can tolerate you enough to share my room with you then trust me, anyone can put up with you” said Claudia boasting her patience and handing a comb from her dresser. “Why don’t you curse or compliment me one at a time” you snapped annoyingly. But you were grateful for supportive arms around you which calmed you down.

After getting ready, you greeted Aunt Cass with a smile on your face and a stretched good morning as you helped yourself with some toast and orange juice. “Eat well, it’s a long flight after all” said Aunt Cass followed by a “Yes ma’am.”

“Keep your phone charged at all times. Keep calling me after every two hours and did you pack enough clothes to last you a month. I don’t want to hear your mother complaining later about it. Should I pack some extra snacks for you, you will surely not take care for meals and if you skip any your meals throughout the day, I swear you have had it then.” It never ceased to amaze you how multitasking Aunt Cass could be. She is strict, tough and a woman of her words. There was not a single day when you and Claudia had not done your college assignments or homework with Aunt Cass being at home. But at the same time she would sit with you past midnight when both of you cousins stayed awake for you midterms. Maybe that’s why you never missed your parents because you never had a void in your life, Claudia and Aunt Cass had filled it lovingly.

That being said, before you knew it all three of you were in the car and already off for the airport. The entire ride was filled with constant chattering as to how famous and beautiful Rio is and as how will not be able to walk down a street without bumping into a celebrity. However you were lost in your thoughts about living with your parents for a month, about whom you knew nothing and neither did they about you.

After reaching the Leipzig Airport, you waved them goodbye, leaving the loving and proud embrace of Aunt Cass and a cute envious look on Claudia’s face you were all set for Rio.

During the flight:

It was a 15hr flight, with the overthinking and hyperactive person you were there was no possible way you could have had a simple excited flight journey, but there is no harm in wishing one for right? Or so you thought.

When you were boarding the plane you noticed an unusual number of bodyguards outside, literally engulfing the poor person standing in middle. What annoyed you the most was the people who were cheering, because at some point of time it wasn’t cheering anymore, it was a mob attack. After boarding, what greeted you were the over excited air-hostesses which was obviously because ‘the person’ as you painfully learnt through the mob attack. But all you could care at that moment was your seat being a window seat or not, and luckily it was. After putting your hand luggage in the upper compartment (you had three suitcases and one hand luggage) you finally asked a fellow passenger dressed in black hoodie with a mask on his face and skinny jeans as to what exactly was the commotion about and to brief you about the situation. The answer surprised you- it was none other than Tom Holland.

Your mouth was literally in the O shape and eyes wide open. It was the Tom Holland. It was your favorite actor travelling in the same flight with you. That explained the mob attack. The only person that came to you upper floor was your Claudia.

Y/N: TOM HOLLAND is in the flight right now!!!!!! Tom freaking Holland.

Claudia: wwwwhhhhaaatttt!!!???????, damn I knew I should have gone with you. How could you do this to me? Why?

Y/N: I am sorry ok I didn’t know or wait maybe I did. His visit to Leipzig was mentioned in his itinary on his twitter account how could we miss that? We just got lucky man and also I was squashed in the mob attack at the airport.

Claudia: Oh! You mean you got lucky dipshit!? Please tell me you got a picture!

Y/N: no I couldn’t, I hardly knew about him being on the plane I asked someone and I have been freaking out since.

*announcement for switching off electrical devices.*

Y/N: I have to switch off my phone for a while, the flight’s gonna take off.

Claudia: okay, I knew I should have come with you. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!text me soon..love you

Y/N: yeah you should have, I miss you. Love you too.

“Are you a fan too?” asked your neighbor. You look at him with suspicious eyes was he eying your texts? Because if he was, that’s not healthy and it creeped you out. Even though, “well yes, me and my sister.” You said and hoped the conversation will die out there. He took the answer and you could imagine a small smirk curling upon his face by the wrinkling of his eyes which was adorable. By his physique and posture he looked no older than early twenties. “What about you, are you fan?” you asked, unknowingly and regretted it immediately. “He doesn’t bugger me, so you could say so. How long have you been a fan?” ,“My aunt happened to be watching ‘The Impossible’, when we were younger and we have been crazy about him since. My sister liked him like crazy as to how cute he was but I liked his acting in the movie but ended up liking him too.”

“Very interesting..” something about him was attracting you, maybe his aura, the charming vibes, you didn’t know, but you were just attracted. But something pinned you, his accent, he had a British accent. Unknowingly, when your eyes met, your heart skipped a beat. It’s him. He was sitting right here. He realized your surprised expression and said, ”You can take a picture now” he chuckled and looking directly at you. Your brain on the other hand was still processing the vital information and the very awesome physique with veiny and beautiful hands and captivating eyes. How could you miss his eyes, those beautiful passion filled dark brown eyes.

“uh..um..h hi, I mean hello nice to meet you, I am Y/N”, ”Tom Holland” he said extending a hand not taking his eyes off of you. It amazed you really, how could he despite being an actor maintain such a down to earth personality. The way he talks, listens to you, waits for your reply and him being in the economy class instead of comfortably sitting in the first class seating arrangements. Wait!?Why was he here?. As if he read your mind and a sudden change in your expression from being flustered to confused. “Too many people, I needed to get out of there and breathe by myself for once. No cameras, no media, no stylists….jus… just plain old me. By the way, my manager is my imposter”, he said with a smirk on his face.

“Oh sure, I can understand that, it can get tiring sometimes. The attention being forced on you that you were never used to it. My parents too, in that way, been out of my life since the very year I turned 1 and suddenly they want meet me and want me to stay with them for a month in Rio. I didn’t want to but my aunt convinced me and I couldn’t say no to her. ”, ”You stayed with your aunt your entire life? Didn’t you miss your parents?” his passionate eyes suddenly changed into concern and pity, “yeah, but she means a lot to me, she was there for all my dance ceremonies, each and every one of my birthday’s , my graduation, she means the world to me so does my sister, she is like my pillar, my support , an annoying one at that.” You said smiling on you lap, and you could feel his gaze softening upon yours. ”my parents, uhh…you can never miss something you never had.” You looked at him again, but this time you could feel and see his gaze on you, watching you and never leaving your eyes.

Both you were so lost in each other that you didn’t realize when the flight had taken off and the snacks table breaking your moment. “Oh it’s been so long already since the plane took off, I didn’t realize we even missed the safety instructions”, you both chuckled at that. “Oh man!, you are really beautiful, really” he said running his hand down his locks and realizing that his tone was a bit too loud, and he meant to keep the compliment to himself. “Sorry?” you asked, despite you pretty much heard it when he said it, you wanted to hear it again.

“uhh..i m..mean your teeth are beautiful.” He realized what he said and his expression was like ‘did I really just say that?’. “I mean your smile is beautiful, Not your teeth..oh wait..I mean your teeth are beautiful too but your smi…” you couldn’t hold you laugh anymore looking at him and his cute ‘war’ with himself. “Thank you, I guess, a lot of people say that about me after I got my braces removed.”

“Oh you had braces? Since when?” “around when I was 15, like every girl wanted to look pretty and wanted boys around her ,so me and my sister had braces for the sake of it, not that I cared about me getting a boyfriend, just for fun”. He seemed to have got stuck on one word, “so you got one?”…”got what?” , “a boyfriend I mean?”. His expression changed and yet again you could feel blood rushing to your cheeks, “I always wanted a crazy guy, who could have something similar to my interests, ‘cause I am not like every other girl in the town, I am into trekking and photography and outdoor activities, not just a girl who likes shopping and who always has to be around people so, my specifications are a bit particular, so I have never had a boyfriend.”

“So, no boyfriend, right?” he asked as if that being the only part he was interested in, or who knows may be he actually was.

After a few hours, you realized you had a lot of things in common and the internet was all wrong about his interests and all. It was like meeting a complete different person, a person whom you have known for the longest time as if you have always been together. You were attracted to him and so was he to you, and you could tell that.

“So what are you doing in Germany? Did you have a shoot here?” you didn’t mind asking because he already had mentioned a lot of stuff that he was not supposed to and also his eyes lit up when he was excited to tell you about some stuff anything at all. “uh..yeah we had to film a segment in Berlin and then we decided to take a break, so I around different places and now we are heading towards the Carnival.” “oh Carnival huh? My aunt says its pretty lively. That was like the main reason why I agreed to go Rio. ”

“so don’t mind me asking, but are you going to be awkward around your parents? Like I know you are not very close to them..” he asked you sincerely concerned with his hands slightly brushing off of yours on the handle of the seat. It’s like he wanted to hold your hand because he knew the weight of his question but he felt like you would disintegerate if he did so. You could feel the same pit around your stomach filled with nervousness that you had forgotten about a for couple hours. “I don’t know, it’s complicated, I don’t know anything about them and also they might have certain expectations about me and what do I do if I do not live up to it. I know we haven’t had a very comfortable story build around us but somehow I don’t wanna disappoint them from my side because they don’t know anything about me like the birthday incident I mentioned about. But I simply don’t want to disappoint because I don’t want my mother, who was never there for me, to question my aunt, who has always been there for me” It’s like you pour the entire timeline of your life in front of Tom and you were scared if he would drift away. “I understand Y/N, but your parents were the ones who planned this trip right?” “yeah they were the ones.” “so that’s it, you know when I have too much on my plate, my manager asks me to take a break and let everything go for sometime. All my meetings and appointments are cancelled because I will ruin them anyway, so there is no point of it. Your situation is kind of similar too, you have had a lot in your life with you parents not being there and now you simply just have to take a break and forget everything for a while because that’s what your aunt wants to you to do.” His hand finally rested upon yours and none of you flinched. It’s as if it’s meant to be.

That being said, you have already arrived in Rio and a beautiful ocean greeted you with open arms and you accepted it with a fresh mind. Tom’s hand still resting over yours and his fingers brushing the upper part of your hand and you look at each other embracing each other’s warmth with your eyes. That’s when you realized that you have fallen for him, not Tom Holland but just him, just Tom.

After the plane landed he was still holding on to you, scared to let go. He was scared to let you go because he cared about you and some fact had gotten him attracted towards you and he was scared to show you his vulnerable side. On the other hand you were scared to let go because you might never see him again. As if he sensed it again, what you were thinking, “I will see you again for sure. Don’t worry.” With a tight squeeze on his hand you let go and say “thank you, I will wait for you.”

“me too.”

You didn’t see him again after departing the flight, he would steal glances out of every opportunity to see you ,lost between the flashes of cameras and cheering, till the last second. The last time you saw him was to murmur something to his manager pointing towards you and that was it, the escalator distanced him from you. But you would still wait..

Outside the gate you could see your parents waiting for you, with Tom’s words in your mind you greeted them with a smile and everything seemed normal, as if they were always with you.

Two weeks later, still no message from Tom.

Claudia bombarded you with messages, when you told her about the entire duration of the flight. You were kind of annoyed with messages cause they were literally somewhere is hundreds. So you decided to ignore her for sometime.

*Ting* some part of you wanted to check that message but the other part of you wanted to go eat pizza because you were really tired from messaging and explaining everything to Claudia over texts. But then you were like *screw it* and you checked the message and…

*unknown number*: I said you were really beautiful Y/N….

A/n- uh..first of all thank you for reading this, cause it like my first post and my first fanfiction so i was a bit skeptical about posting this but fuck it, here it is guys it took me around four hours to complete this and its worth it.

also if you wanna be tagged in this just let me know!!! *uwu face*

lemme know if you want a part 2 of this, because I will gladly include it with improvement of course, love you ppl...

#tomholland #tom holland #tomholland fanfiction #tomhollandxreader #tom holland x reader #actor!tomholland #actorxreader #tom holland imagine #tom holland fluff #tomhollandfluff #tomxreader #actor tom holland #actortom #marvel

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loyally-unfaithful · 3 years

Text

—; it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas.

word count: 3.6k

pairing: razor/gn!reader; razor/traveler

genre: fluff

summary: « i remember… purple mentor say ‘mistletoe’ a big part of weihnachten. »

you looked at the plant in slight bewilderment, not quite sure what to make of this offering. it was cute.

« oh. »

razor stares expectantly at you as you watch him make no further attempt to move. you can’t help the laugh that escapes you, the banality of everything setting into your mind. or maybe you’re getting sleepy. you wonder: « do you know why, razor? »

a/n: secret santa secret santa secret santa anyway, this is my side of the secret santa gift for @absolutely-rational—i chose to write a thing for razor, but i barely play the game and i haven’t met him or own him* or anything so i apologise if it’s a little ooc ,,,, merry christmas and happy holidays ^^

p.s. as the man who’s good at saying very little in way too many words, the length of this fic just exploded and it’s alot longer than what i wanted it to be dskljfsldkja

heads-up

i write dialogues in what i will call the french/european system? anyway, i see that it's not the dialogue formatting that most english readers are accustomed to so i modified it slightly to be easier to understand basically dialogues will be within guillemets (« »), and words that are within the quotation marks but are italicised are actions and/or dialogue verbs.

hope that clears things out a bit and i hope you give me and my fic a chance :)

« weih… nachten…? »

he tilts his head slightly, not unlike a dog. what’s that? razor repeats your words slowly, tentatively, enunciating the foreign word with care. he wonders if the words sound strained coming from him. words are hard.

« that’s right! it’s a large festival in teyvat, and even more so in the city! you elaborated, sensing his confusion. here in mondstadt it’s called weihnachten and it’s supposed to be about, you know, spending time with friends and family, passing around gifts and presents to those you care about. »

you soon felt at ease as you continued: this world had its differences, but it had its similarities. it had its own equivalent of christmas. something that you know about. sure, maybe the origin is different, maybe it had different customs and traditions, but it was a comforting familiarity in the midst of everything that’s so staggeringly foreign. then again, you suppose that’s what drew you closer to the silver-haired boy: neither of you truly fit in, nor fully understood the strange world you happen to be in.

though at the very least, razor had his lupical. as bittersweet as it was, it warmed your heart to know that at least he had family to be around with during christmas, and well, around… in general.

« weihnachten. he says, this time with more conviction. how to celebrate? – well for starters, (where do you even begin?) we’d decorate our homes with all sorts of festive trinkets and we’d fill the streets with all sorts of sparkly things. garlands, lights, flowers, ribbons; decorations that’ll spruce up the place and make the city light up. it always made people cheer up and get in the holiday mood, especially at night when the fairy lights twinkle about! »

razor’s mouth moved in a silent gasp. then does that mean that those bright stars he liked so much were not stars, but rather lights? is that why they seemed to be brighter near the end of the year? the people from the city decorated, he considered. is that why the stars’ reflection, bouncing around in the lake, were an array of dazzling colours, from glittering red and shimmering green to captivating shade’s who’s name he doesn’t know?

« is why… sometimes stars explode? he wondered. – yup! though we don’t usually light up fireworks until new year’s. you wondered for a moment. do you like fireworks, razor? the silver-haired boy frowned, lost in thought, before shaking his head. – loud. scary. me and my lupical, we go hide. we don’t like… firework. »

you hummed in understanding. dogs have never been fond of fireworks and firecrackers either.

« fire is bad. why light firework? isn’t it big hassle? »

it reminded razor of the red, burny girl. fun person, friend! but the toys she uses are loud and dangerous, they create explosions and fire, just like fireworks.

« hmm, i guess… you pursed your lips in thought. good question. i guess that at this point we all just do it out of tradition. new year’s brings a lot of excitement, and people let it out by lighting them up. it’s also really pretty. »

the more he thought about it, and the more he learned about it, the less he understood the celebration. why? it’s loud and distracting. bright colours hurt eyes, doesn’t it? it’s time spent with your family, but razor is with his lupical everyday. do humans… not spend time with their lupical regularly? why is this specific day so special from the rest of the year? he doesn’t get all the funny dates and celebrations humans have to keep track of. seems like a big hassle. sounds complicated.

« no such thing as weihnachten in wolvendom, huh? »

he shook his head.

you tucked your finger under your chin, pondering, in slight puzzlement. back in your world, you would’ve been able to take pictures—maybe that would’ve helped him visualise it better—but you couldn’t here in teyvat. a sigh. anyway, it’s not like you had your camera on your person anymore, so you do your best to describe your happiest sensations, experiences, memories of christmas: the smell of hot cocoa on a cool winter morning, the crackle of firewood from the hearth, and the feeling of soft wool on your skin, hugging you from the biting cold. the merry and jovial carols sung by the star singers, the gleeful chattering between friends out on the street, and the boisterous cheering and partying coming from the many bars and restaurants in mondstadt. the comforting arias and prayers echoing from within the cathedral, the mouth-watering aroma and fragrance of treats from the christmas market, and the grand christmas tree placed at the heart of the city decorated with even more opulent and lavish garlands and baubles, the vivid glimmering lights reflected from your eyes.

describe the different little things that made christmas different and more special from the rest of the year.

somehow this time that you took to pay the wolf boy a visit was consumed by you rambling about the merry holiday, drivel that he listened to attentively and with a pure and honest kind of curiosity (even if he doesn’t always understand you) that you found endearing and made your heart flutter, until the sun dipped below the horizon and the stars adorning the city shined out, rivalling those peppering the night sky. until the howls from his family called him away from you, and until you motivated yourself to begin your trek back to mondstadt after sitting in the woods alone.

being with him was always a welcome distraction, you thought.

december 25th.

paimon was dozing off after stuffing her face full of the dishes from the christmas banquet (good for her!), the cup of tea you had between your hands had gotten cold, and your breath was fogging the frosted window in front of your desk. you mindlessly traced a smiley face on condensation. you can see the ever changing colourful lights blinking through the glass pane. you take another gulp of the unpleasant liquid, unsatisfying as you feel it slowly go down your throat. the calming and comforting scent it brought (it was chamomile) having long dissipated.

sighing, you pulled your fingers off the cold china, deciding it wasn’t worth finishing, and quietly slipped out of your room (which was graciously granted to you by the knights of favonius), taking care to slot the chair back under the desk and gently close the door behind you. you wondered if taking a walk would help you feel better. you tightened your shawl around you and buried your freezing hands into your pockets. head down, you quickened your pace to… wherever your legs were taking you.

another sigh.

you smiled almost bitterly to how much of a grinch you were being. you liked christmas, or rather, you liked what it stood for, and you liked the idea of spending the winter months with your closed ones.

a few hours ago, the knights of favonius had organised a small christmas party at angel’s share, and though they had thoroughly reassured you that you belonged and were included in this celebration, you couldn’t help but keep to yourself and stick to a corner of the bar. you couldn’t bring yourself to join in on the fun, or talk to others. you didn’t feel like it was your place to force yourself into their conversation, into their lives. you were grateful that they thought about you, and you didn’t want to question their kindness, but… you nursed your glass of virgin cocktail, peeling your eyes away from your wonky reflection on the liquid.

you weren’t exactly at home: you looked at jean and barbara, happily exchanging jokes and teases. a relaxed sort of conversation, banter which flowed, almost as if it were rehearsed, in a way that was only possible between sisters. that night, the deaconess wasn’t smiling as if she was holding back tears. the carefree girl was speaking with jean (rather than the acting grand master) who allowed herself some respite from the demanding position.

you look at the uncharacteristic smile on the bartender’s (who happened to be none other than diluc that evening) face, and you doubted that kaeya, sharp-eyed as ever, missed it either. it was subtle. but it was there. you don’t miss the way the cavalry captain held back on his sarcastic remarks or the way diluc wasn’t being “deliberately uncivil” (as kaeya would put it) either; the way the red-head indulges kaeya’s seemingly insatiable thirst for alcohol while the latter makes an effort to maintain a friendly, if curt, chatter.

a particularly loud giggle drew your gaze back at the two sisters: lisa seemed to have joined them. you sipped your beverage, half-hearted. the three seemed to have started a rather animate discussion. you hear them laugh again. it makes you frown, but you shake your head, pushing those angry thoughts out of your mind. just because you’re miserable (even though you shouldn’t be—your friends are with you) doesn’t mean they have to feel down with you.

setting your glass down on the table, you wondered if you would've felt better if you were with someone closer to your age, but amber had gone home early: she dropped by and hung out for a bit before going home to spend time with her family. your glass is empty now. you feel… envious. you wished you could spend this christmas season with your family. it’s not fair. it’s not fair.

your favonian family, and yet you were out of place.

you excused yourself early from the gathering, the other members politely bidding you farewell and a merry christmas (« frohe weichnachten! »), and quickly went up the path leading to the order’s headquarters, wanting to hide away in your room as soon as possible.

now, you stop before the lavish tree: it’s as grand and brilliant as it’s always been. but now it seems much too bright. the colours an eyesore. singing sounds more like knives being dug into your eardrums.

your head hurts.

a humourless chuckle escaped you. you used to take turns with your sibling on who got to slot in the christmas topper.

this year was their turn.

back then, your sibling made a point to hang gingerbread treats on the tree, and you made a point to eat them behind their back come christmas morning.

normally, you’d be sharing gifts with your sibling during this time of the year.

your entire life they’ve always been there by your side, and you by theirs. for better or for worse, you kept each other company. you’ve always spent christmas with them.

this was your first christmas without.

the rest of your thoughts are jumbled, incoherent. something your long term memory didn’t deem worthy of keeping, so they simply fizzled away. everything was a blur as your feet carried you outside the city, away from… it doesn't matter. just away. carried you away. happiest time of the year. but you’re here alone, with no one you know and to call home in a world you don’t recognise. far away from the land you once knew.

panting, you stopped in your tracks when you realised you’ve started sprinting. what were you doing, you chastised yourself. can’t you act a little more mature? finally lifting your gaze, you took in your surroundings; instinctively your feet must’ve taken you to wolvendom. you kicked a stray pebble under your boot. not like that afterthought was going to help much. it’s not like anyone was waiting for you here either, razor was probably with his lupical. hunting or snoozing away.

with little care, you let out an exasperated sigh as you let yourself plop ungracefully to the ground, listless.

you sit there in silence, nothing to accompany you except for the cacophonous ringing of crickets in the forest. you drew your knees closer to you. what were you doing here? it’s cold. you hear thistle crack, and so you defensively draw your sword as you rose to your feet, only to be met with a familiar mop of fluffy silver hair.

« it’s night. dangerous here. »

was his curt greeting. you lowered your sword, shoulders relaxing.

you opened your mouth, ready to apologise, make up some sort of excuse, let him know you’re leaving, when something else caught your eye: « you kept the scarf? »

he blinked. once, twice: « you gave it to me. he said, very matter-of-factly. you are my lupical. it is… treasure… razor paused, correcting himself. treasured, possession. »

having realised that the intruder was not dangerous, the wolf boy came closer and gently pressed his forehead against yours and nuzzled your face. a small laugh escaped you as you returned the affectionate gesture, something you’ve learned was his customary greeting. it was cold out, but his touch was enough to bring feeling back to your cold self and make you warm and fuzzy inside.

still resting your head on his, you asked, timidly: « is it ok if i stay here for a bit? » it came out as a whisper, unsure if you’re any better staying here rather than back in the city. but as he nodded in agreement, your shoulders loosened as you let go of tension you weren’t aware you were building up again. you slumped into him, burying your face into him and held him in a loose hug. razor, as for him, let himself be snuggled to your heart’s content, happy to receive such fondness.

« today is special day, isn’t it? » his blood-red eyes peered inquisitively back at you, arms wrapping around you as he tries to remain as close to you as physically possible.

« mhm. » you mumbled non-commitally into his shoulder, opting to pull yourself closer to him and nuzzle into the crook of his neck.

« not go celebrate in city? » razor asked, perplexed. he thought that you said this was a big celebration to be had around other people? despite his bemusement, he rested his chin on the top of your head. it makes him all warm and soft inside, the thought of you choosing to spend this special day with him of all people. it makes him happy. he hopes you’re happy too. the wold boy gives you a once-over and his brows creased in slight worry: you’re really quiet today. why?

« uh-uh. » you grunted, shaking your head against his shoulder, your hair brushing against his clothes. the chunky scarf you gave him, the one you were convinced he was going to throw out due to its garish colours, tickled your exposed skin. he kept it. you smiled, touched. he kept it. it still smelled faintly of fabric softener, but marked by the smell of pine trees and something sweet, something you associated with brewing thunderstorms. you’ve always found rain and thunder to be comforting.

being with razor comforts you.

he wasn’t much of a talker. you both knew this. silence is ok though. he’s happy to be with you. but razor wonders why you’re so quiet today. concern flashes through his mind and he turns your gaze upwards, making you face him. you can’t possibly imagine what pathetic expression you were pulling and you quickly try to cover your despondence—but it was a fruitless venture.

« you smell sad. he watched you, a worried look on his face. »

you scrambled for some explanation, reassuring him that it’s nothing. that you’re not being a downer. that you’re happy. but he’s decided: « wait here. »

knowing that there was no restraining him once he’s made up his mind, especially when it’s something to do with the ones he considered close to him, you reluctantly let razor peel you off of him. as you watch him scurry away, you find yourself dearly missing his warmth, the comfort and safety of his arms. was staying here a good idea? you wrapped your arms around yourself. maybe you should leave. you’re ruining the mood. you’re disturbing wolvendom’s peace. before you could finish that line of thought, the wolf boy returned, this time carrying a handful of… something with him.

they threatened to tumble out of his grasp, but ultimately stayed put as he returned to his original position and held them out into your general direction, showcasing whatever he had procured. in his hands were multiple plants which bore small scarlet berries and oval, evergreen leaves. a plant you immediately recognised.

« i remember… purple mentor say ‘mistletoe’ a big part of weihnachten. »

you looked at the plant in slight bewilderment, not quite sure what to make of this offering. it was cute.

« oh. »

he blinked, clueless, before looking at the mistletoes in his hand with confusion, coming to the realisation that no, he didn’t actually know why it’s so important. it’s not edible. maybe because it’s pretty? the city has many red lights and white lights. some mistletoes are red and others are white?

he continues to stare at the berry, as if it would cave in and reveal its secrets to him if he sustained his efforts. taking his prolonged silence as his answer (though you had expected for him to not actually know—knowing lisa, she would’ve just offhandedly mentioned them. and when razor would’ve asked her about what they meant, she’d just smile without answering him), you filled him in, your voice filled with mirth: « people usually kiss underneath mistletoes. »

he turned his gaze back to you before voicing the conclusion he had come to: « this mean, i have to kiss you? »

you chuckled. « only if you want to. »

he looks at the plant, giving it a long hard look, then back at you.

it wasn’t much, it wasn’t spectacular. hell, it was more of a ghost of a kiss than anything. but you still smiled as his lips brushed on yours. a peck, which lasted too long yet not long enough. awkward, but endearing. your textbook first kiss, including the warm fluttery feeling of butterflies that so often preached about, if only a little more clumsy.

it’s cute.

he’s so genuine, earnest, in his endeavours. it makes your heart soar. he’s sweet. you don’t deserve this kindness but he gives them away without a second thought.

you don’t deserve to be happy during christmas, especially not when your sibling was still out there, alone and potentially afraid. maybe, no, it definitely is selfish for you to enjoy this day. pretend like everything is alright just for this one moment. that you’re not some traveler stuck in a strange and unknown world, that you’re not desperately trying to find your sibling and a way out. act carefree, and get to be you. but goddammit does he make you so so happy that your heart clenches and that you can’t help but smile from ear to ear. you deserve to be miserable today; you feel like shit, really. but you’re also really happy, and glad, and relieved, and maybe a little tired.

it’s all too much, and you feel so much at once that you just don’t know how to handle this anymore. overwhelmed. you smiled and laughed giddily as the waterworks started (despite your best efforts), and you’re a mess, and definitely a bit sleepy, but you’re stupidly happy today. stupidly happy because of him.

this alarmed the boy, watching you laugh between hiccups, sobbing despite wearing a large smile. for humans, tears are sad. smiles are happy. were you ok? he’s confused. did he do something wrong?

« why crying? » he fretted, slightly panicked. he jumped to fuss over you, wipe away your tears, gently cradling your face with a gentleness that you would’ve never thought he was capable of when you first met.

you laughed as you wiped your face. « these are happy tears. » you try to explain.

he’s your home. your lupical. someone you’re at rest with, and safe with. you love him.

your words get caught in your throat, unable to express everything you want to tell him. so instead, you engulf him in a hug. something he was caught off guard from, stiffening, but quickly relaxed and embraced you back. still a little unsure, he comforts and reassures you the only way he knows how: patting your head. when he’s down head pats makes him feel better. he hopes you’ll feel better.

« thank you. » you said softly, shakily, sniffling. thank you for being here. thank you for being you.

you’re not as alone as you thought, you never really were. together, in your own small corner of the world. your home: razor.

as you cuddled together, passing the time by naming and pointing at the celestial canvas above you, you realised: maybe this year, as unfortunate as it had been, didn’t have to end on a bad note. at some point, razor had shared his ridiculously large scarf with you, wrapping it around the both of you. and slowly, your words slowed, your breaths evened out. you pressed more of your weight against him as you felt your eyes droop. you’re safe. you’re with razor. you’ll fall asleep, and when you wake up he’ll be there. as drowsiness takes you over, you think to yourself ‘yeah, i’m happy.’

you’re happy here. in this one time, one place, with razor, you’re happy.

and you hope that wherever they are, your sibling is happy too. and that they’ll forgive you for being selfish, for being happy despite everything.

you hoped that your mirror image had someone to spend christmas with.

somewhere—someone they felt at rest with.

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fczco · 3 years

Text

WHAT IT WAS | RAFE CAMERON

Masterlist on pinned!

A.N: Heeyy, if you find this familiar it could be because you read it on my wattpad account or on here before I deactivated! English is not my first language so please be kind!

WORDS COUNT: 4k

WARNINGS: a lot of them, swearing, blood, drugs, etc.

You hadn't thought about it in months when you finally were getting over it, suddenly came back, all the memories, good and bad, all the euphoria, when everything was angelic, when it was cruel, when suddenly it was radiant, then turned violent, and ended up being painful. When you gave up on it because you could not take it anymore.

Your family was the typical kook one, you grew up in a life full of luxury, you got everything you wanted due to your mum's richness.

Sarah and you were best friends since you were born and his brother was your boyfriend practically since both of you learned that word. The Cameron's and your family had everything arranged between you two, Rafe and you were supposed to be together for the rest of your lives, he was going to take care of his dad's company, the next step would be getting married, travel around the world, having lots of beautiful kids and live happily ever after.

2008

It was your 5th birthday party, all your friends were there and you felt extremely happy with the big amount of presents you had received from them all. You were not the typical little girl your parents desired you to be, you had begged for them to let "Pirates of the Caribbean" be the theme, you hadn't really seen the movies but you loved pirates! Rafe and you would always pretend you were them in his dad's yacht because Sarah did not like them at all, you couldn't understand how it was so fun! Your friend would lend you one of his plastic swords and play the whole afternoon. The best part was that you always won, but now, many years after, looking back at it Rafe was probably letting you win. However, your mum forced you to make your party about Cinderella, you hate princess but especially Cinderella, there wasn't a reason for it, you just did.

Weeks before you had told the little boy your birthday was going to be about pirates and he was so excited about it, you babble about it for days, so when Rafe arrived at your house with his family and saw all the princess decorations and the angry but yet sad face you had on, he instantly understood what was going on, you both were little but very smart for your age, plus he had sympathy for you due to his similar family conditions.

Everyone but you and him enjoyed the celebration, the young man and you stayed together in a corner of your backyard playing alone. Rafe picked up two small branches and played as you were pirates like you would usually do, he knew that was what you really wanted at that moment.

When it was time to blow the candles you looked at your sky blue and pink cake, wishing it had Jack Sparrow's face on it, Rafe smiled at you and you smiled back at him. Everyone sang the typical song, you blew the candles and buried three of your little fingers into the cake, thinking of three wishes.

being a pirate

playing as pirates with Rafe

Sarah wanting to play as pirates with you two

2010

It was almost summer and you were really excited about all the little adventures Rafe and you were going to have in the next months.

You felt so much older, your first year of primary school was over and it had been great! Even though Sarah was not hanging out with you as much as she was before; you had the hope of playing with her more now that you had nothing else to do.

Those weeks were great, you almost didn't see your girl best friend, but her brother and you were getting closer and closer as days went by. Rafe always protected you from everything and made you laugh a lot, he was funny.

Summer '10 was lovely, one of your favorites memories of you and the boy happened during that time, your first kiss. You didn't really count it as the very first kiss, but you had to admit that, at that time, for you was even more than what it actually was.

It was an extremely warm day and you invited Rafe over to play in the fort you both had made in your backyard, right where years before you were pretending to be pirates while your birthday party was going on inside the house. He was 'building' a table as you made mud cakes.

"Look at the cake i made for us!" you abruptly shouted, thing that scared Rafe, but he didn't let you notice because the last thing he wanted was for you to make fun of him.

"It looks delicious y/n, we should eat it!" he said, excitement on his face while sitting beside you.

"ARE YOU CRAZY RAFE?" you were shocked, the drama queen in you was starting to jump out, "IT'S MADE OF DIRT THAT'S DISGUSTING!" you looked at him, terrorized by what the little boy was saying.

"i- i- i wasn't serious, i- i just thought you'd like me to say that" he was so embarrassed.

"oh, i'm sorry" you apologized to him.

There was silence for a few seconds, it wasn't uncomfortable so you didn't mind about it.

"wanna know what Sarah made me do?"

"mmmm, maybe"

"she made me watch 'The Princess And The Frog', TWO TIMES" he sounded so mad, "and then she told me that Topper kissed her" he looked at you, you were not understanding why he was telling you this, but before you could talk; he continued, "and i was thinking that may- maybe we can d- do it too" you opened your eyes wide open, kissing him? like in the mouth?

"i- in- the mouth?"

"yeah, i mean, that's what she told me" you stared into his eyes, trying to figure out if he was just messing with you or was actually serious about it.

"uhm, i guess so?"

"you do?" he had a frown formed in his face.

"if that's what you want to" he nodded with a smirk on his lips.

You both turned and were now facing each other, without an idea of what to do you followed him, he started to lean forward and you did too, he closed his eyes and you did as well, and after what felt like an eternity but was actually almost four seconds, your lips touched his; ending up in a little pecked kiss.

After that day neither you nor Rafe talked about it again, it was like it never happened, which, at your really short age, was normal.

This year your family and you decided not to celebrate your birthday due to your grandma passing away two weeks before, it didn't feel right for them. At seven years old it was hard to fully understand what death was, you had heard about it but never experienced it before. Rafe felt really bad about it and on the day you finally turned seven he went to your house and spent it with you, so that way, you would not feel as lonely.

2012

Rafe was starting to change, he did not want to play with you anymore and that made you sad and upset. Your mom told you it was normal for boys to not hang out with girls once they grew up, but that wasn't him, it didn't felt like him. You never thought that the boy who was your best friend, the only kid you really enjoyed being around, especially after Sarah hang with more friends that were not you, would leave you alone.

You started to search for fun on other stuff and found that you loved to read stories about wonderful adventures, and when you finished every single book in your house about the topic, you started to flip through the pages of some old books regarding birds and insects, you were amazed by the stunning draws and colors of them and wanted to make your own.

For your ninth birthday you decided to do an exchange, it was difficult to convince your parents but they finally gave in, instead of a party you wanted them to give you a pretty journal with some color pencils. That way you would have your own investigation diary about those interesting creatures you were obsessed about.

Summer had ended and school season started, you and your little notebook were inseparable, you took it with you to class and spent all the recess doing little notes about birds you had seen during the day so when you arrived home you could search and learn about them.

One cold winter night, your dad told you that the Cameron's were coming home to have dinner, you couldn't wait for them to arrive, maybe that was the moment you had the opportunity to befriend Sarah again and show Rafe all the information you had collected during the months you didn't hang out. But they never appeared, their parents had gone but not them, Sarah was not feeling well and Rafe was sleeping over at a friend's house.

2014

Sarah was talking to you! you were friends again and there was no way you would not see each other every single day.

Spending every minute of the day over at her house was completely normal at that point. You two hanging out again made your families closer.

It was like your parents didn't care at all you were just a pair of ten years old, almost eleven, kids.

Rafe would always try to be with his sister and you whenever you were around at their house, but Sarah would just scream at him 'LEAVE US ALONE!' which ended in him giving up and walking away. It was sad, you missed spending time with the boy.

2014 was the year you turned eleven, and also had your first period. Everyone was so excited about that and you just hated it, with your whole heart, it made you want to cry every single time. Due to that, your body started to change, and boys started to notice it, including Rafe.

2016

The year it all started.

It was your thirteenth birthday and you did not felt like doing a big party, that night the Cameron's and your family went to a restaurant. Sarah, Rafe, and you were talking about what you were going to do the next week while Wheezie just listened. Finally, the boy and you were good friends again. When the food arrived you all shut up and started eating while paying attention to what your parents were talking about.

"oh yeah, of course, they are definitely getting married at some point," Ward said to what your father nodded.

"it's the best for them" this time your mom spoke.

"of course it is!" Rose laughed, "he will be taking care of the family business, they are going to have a splendid life together"

"Who are you talking about?" Rafe got into the conversation.

"we are talking about you silly!" you looked at your mom, not understanding what was going on.

"wha- what?" Rafe was just as surprised as Sarah and you were.

"yeah kid, we are talking about yours and y/n's future together" Ward stated as taking a piece of meat to his mouth.

"what exactly do you mean?" you stepped in this time.

"what you heard kid, your future life, your marriage, and all" your dad said as if it was the most normal thing to say to a thirteen-year-old.

"their marriage?!" Sarah was furious, you could notice it in her voice tone, Rafe and you stared at each other.

"you just are too young to realize yet" Rose brushed it off. None of you talked for the rest of the night.

Just a few months after that, your dad and Ward had already made a reservation for you two at the exact same restaurant. When you arrived you saw Rafe already there in a table positioned in a corner. Now looking back at it, everything was so fucked up, you were just kids. You approached him and sat, he smiled at you while you did.

"hi", he said, shyly, of course. It was really weird, you both had been alone before but never this way, this was completely different, your families were hoping that you turned this into something romantic. "Are we on a date right now?".

"i think so?" you laughed a little bit, "please, don't make this awkward, i don't get why they do this".

"i do" he said, you looked at him with a confused face, was he agreeing with all of this? "i mean, i can see why they want us to be together" after that he took a sip of his soda and started serving you some.

"Rafe, you should be allowed to 'date' whoever you wanted"

"And what happens if who i wanna date is you?" you were shocked at your friend's words.

"Rafe what are you talking about? i just turned thirteen and you are about to turn fourteen, you like it or not we are kids" you were a little bit mad due to what he was saying.

"well, Juliet was thirteen and Romeo was around that age"

"Rafe you did- you did not just compare us to Romeo and Juliet, have you read the book?"

"no, i did not"

"THEY DIE, THEY DIE AT THE END" you knew you were making this a lot bigger than it actually was but didn't care about it, "of course you didn't read the book" you whispered but he heard.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" now that you're remembering everything you can't believe that a pair of thirteen years old could be so dramatic.

"I MEAN WHAT I SAID," you said while leaning over the table.

"you know what, why don't we shut up and finish with this as fast as we can, i don't want to be here" Rafe proposed.

"sounds perfect to me, i do not want to be here too"

Either of you spoke again until you had had dinner and Ward picked you two up.

2018 / 2019

In the past two years, Rafe and you had finally got together. Your parents were over the moon about it and you were also really happy. You both were discovering and experiencing together what being in a relationship was.

The first months were a little bit strange, you both knew that it was not a real relationship, for everyone else you were together, but in reality, you hadn't had that many kisses as you thought you were supposed to have and outside school didn't see each other that much.

Summer '18 the Cameron's took you with them on their holidays to the Bahamas, it was amazing, not just because Rafe and you spent a lot of time together but also because you got to hang more with Sarah who you were not seeing a lot since it all started, and the reason was that whenever you went to their house you were with her brother, and they definitely didn't get along that much.

Unfortunately, the 'real' part began in 2019, you and Rafe turned sixteen and started going to parties and being more around of what people called 'pogues'. During the school year, it was like a daydream, he picked you up and went together, you had lots of dates and spent beautiful moments together, those were the times when your relationship was at it's highest, where you realized that, after all, maybe your parents were right and your destiny was, indeed, be together.

Your favorite moment from that time in your life was with him. You both were laying in the grass of your house's backyard, it was really cold outside, and decided to take some blankets with you to be warm. You were laying in his chest while he hugged you, appreciating the stars. He pressed a kiss to your head and you smiled to yourself.

"wanna know something?" you looked up to him.

"pretty boy is thinking! someone please record this!" you said, just to annoy him.

"shut up" he laughed, knowing you were messing with him, "you want to know or no baby?" he asked, a more serious tone on his voice.

"of course i want to know" you took his hand into yours, the warmness made you shiver, to what he hugged you harder.

"i read on the internet that you can buy stars online, maybe one day i'll buy you one and name it Rafe so whenever you wanna get rid of me you would not be able to" the boy started swinging you side to side in a slow speed, you'd never felt that peaceful in your life before.

Once again you looked at him "that's a little bit wicked of you" he giggled, "however, i think that would be the most divine present someone could ever give to me" he backed down his head and kissed your cheek, "and also, i'm never getting rid of you" you could feel him smiling while pressing his chin against the side of your head.

That was the last happy time you genuinely can remember at perfection.

You still don't know what happened when summer '19 arrived, it was the breaking point of your relationship. Parties at the beach were being held by pogues most of the time, and you never went because partying was not your thing, all of them ended up in disaster, pure and authentic disaster. You are grateful the only one you went to was the first one. Rafe was extremely drunk and you were trying to take care of him but it was being hard, especially when Topper got into a really intense fight with JJ and John b, two of the few pogues you knew, it was tragic and it got worse when the blonde one pulled a gun at Sarah's boyfriend head, while all that happened you lost Rafe and found him after like five minutes beating up someone that was on the ground, barely moving. You ran towards him and with all your straighten you push him.

"YOU'RE KILLING HIM RAFE!" you yelled at your boyfriend, when you finally got to see him he was covered in blood, you took him by his hand and got out of there, arriving at your house where you helped him clean up himself.

"i think i'm in love with you" he tried to say but was too drunk to pronounce the words properly.

"don't start with that now when you almost killed a random guy tonight, for what? explain" you were furious.

"'cause he is a pogue, he deserves it y/n" you both walked to your bed and laid down to sleep.

"no he doesn't Rafe, that's not an excuse for what you did, they are people just like us" you scolded him.

"whatever" he ignored you.

Some time after that Sarah started to see John B behind Topper's back and she asked you to keep her secret safe, which you did.

At midsummers Rafe escorted you, it was a fantastic night, you two were together the whole time and drank lots of expensive champagne while you danced. The pride on your dad's face was priceless, in that moment you forgot about what had happened a few nights before and just enjoyed the moment, smiling at your boyfriend, always.

"you wanna know something?" Rafe whispered in your ear while you danced to a slow song, his hands on your waist and yours behind his neck.

"mmm, this brings back good memories" you smiled to the handsome man in front of you.

"i love you"

"i love you too Rafe"

"let me finish pretty girl" you laughed a little bit, "please stop smiling like that, i'm not sure what will happen if you keep doing that" this time your laugh was stronger, getting some looks from people around you.

"i'm just really happy right now, wouldn't want to be anywhere else" you hugged him without stop moving.

"i know, me too"

A few minutes after he disappeared, and you did not have an excuse to stay so you went home. The next day you found out he was trying to beat up the blonde pogue, JJ.

You don't really know why but for some reason it went away and everything was perfect again, but it only lasted a few days.

You were really bored at your house and after contemplating whether you should or shouldn't go to the Cameron's house, you got into your car and drove around the few blocks that separated your house from Rafe's. You knew his parents were out of town that day and Sarah was probably hanging out with John B and his friends so you didn't bother on knocking and just got in. You heard your boyfriend's voice from the downstairs bathroom. Once you got into it you saw his clothes on the floor and he was applying toothpaste to his arm.

"Rafe?" he looked at you scared.

"y/n- i- i" he was crying, you directed your eyes to his arm, a huge new burnt was there.

"Rafe what happened?" you got closer to him, "is that blood?" you pointed at the clothes on the floor.

"no", he denied it but it obviously was blood.

"Rafe, what's going on?"

"i- i got into a fight" ha answered.

"with who? baby who did this?" you helped him with his injury.

"Barry" but as soon as you heard that name you pulled away.

"Barry? as the drug dealer Barry?" he didn't even look at you, "Rafe are you doing drugs?" completely ignored you, and when he did that you figured out the answer, "how much do you owe him?" you asked, one hand on you waist and the other one on the bathroom door.

"some thousands" your jaw almost touched the floor, and your face was full of disappointment and anger. "don't look at me like that" he begged, and tried to grabbed you and pulled you closer to him but you just pulled him away.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?" he didn't reply "FUCK RAFE, THOUSANDS? YOU OWED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO A DRUG DEALER AND YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY CALM?"

"i can explain."

"NO YOU CAN'T, WHAT? TOPPER AND YOU GOT BORED OF THE STUPID WEED AND WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING STRONGER? WHAT DID YOU BUY? COKE? NOW YOUR HOBBY IS BUY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON COKE? THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN TO M-"

"GET OUT" he screamed to your face as he got closer to your body, while pointing to the door, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DAMN HOUSE" you looked at him and turned away, walking towards the door and he didn't follow you.

"HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE RAFE" you screamed without closing the door.

After that you didn't see him in a long time, you didn't go out of your house anymore.

You heard that Sarah and John B were missing, you missed her. You had no one to talk to, just your own thoughts.

A few weeks later, everything came out to the light, Ward went to jail for killing John B's dad and being kinda responsible for another poor man's death.

Rafe confessed that it had been him the one who shot the detective, but they found out about his drug addiction and blamed it on that, so he ended up going to rehabilitation and not directly to jail.

2021

It was your eighteenth birthday, Sarah was coming to your house to keep you company until your parents got out of work.

As you were walking towards the kitchen the doorbell rang.

"hi" you said as opening the door.

"hello, is this y/n?" the man in front of you asked while reading your name from a box.

"that would be me" you said, and after signing some papers he gave you the package.

You placed it on the table and started opening it. It seemed like a picture frame, when you paid attention to it, tears fell from your eyes, there was a little letter on it.

i did not name it after me, i realized that you were, are, and always will be the big star that keeps me going. I hope you know how much i miss you and regret everything i did, maybe one day you'll forgive me and love me again. I took that for granted and i'm so sorry of that. happy eighteen birthday y/n, i expect you still think this is the most divine present someone could ever give you.

- Rafe

It was a star, he had bought a star and named it after you, Rafe kept his promise, and even though you had said to yourself, just the night before, you will move on and forget about him, you couldn't help but smile; wishing you could re-do everything and go back to what it was that night from a few years before.

#rafe cameron #rafe #cameron #obx #drew starkey #obx fanfic #rafe cameron fanfic #rafe cameron x reader #obx x reader #outer banks #outer banks x reader #rafe cameron obx #outer banks fanfic

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destiniesfic · 3 years

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132 Hours, Chapter 11

“Don’t speak for me, Duarte,” Cardan says.

“Don’t boss me around.”

Read chapter 11 on AO3 or read below:

“But, just, if I had the choice,” I say, “I would rather be apart from society.”

We’ve gone around and around a few different points by now. The latest one is the Ghost reminding me that, since betas are one in a thousand, there are only three hundred thousand in the United States, which is less than the population of Wyoming, and I don’t know anyone from Wyoming. They can and do seek each other out, but in a lot of ways, chemical and social, they’re separated from everyone else.

“Would you?” asks the Ghost.

“Well…” I trail off, thinking of the Bomb and the Roach and how they, very possibly, endured de-designation one way or another. I don’t think that’s something I want for myself, not seriously. Sure, I could do without all the complications of heat, but would I like to go through life with dulled senses, knowing most of the population was experiencing something I never would?

The problem isn’t really that I hate being an omega, it’s that I spent my whole life watching alphas, surviving alphas. Wishing I had what they had.

I look at Cardan, who’s been preoccupied with picking at dirt under his fingernails this entire time. He wears a mask of boredom. I know he’s listening, though. He’s good at playing dumb.

“I want to be like them,” I hear myself say. “No, I want to be better than them. That’s all. That’s what it is. And how am I supposed to be better when I’m—” I gesture at myself. I know I look better now than I did before, but I am far from my peak.

Regarding me steadily, the Ghost says, “There’s power in what you are right now, you know. There’s power in driving people crazy for you. A well-placed omega can ruin a political negotiation, a business merger, a marriage. Start wars.”

“Helen of Troy,” I interject. We all know how that went. “That’s soft power. But I don’t want—want…”

I shiver in my chair and hug my arms to my chest. Cardan’s voice is dark and low when he says, “I don’t think she’s up for this discussion.”

The Ghost gives him an odd look, and I say, “No, I’m fine. It’s fine.” I quash down panic; the meds shouldn’t be wearing off this soon, but there’s nothing I can do about it. “I don’t want soft power. I want to be taken seriously.”

“Well, you got us to take you pretty seriously,” the Ghost replies. “Cardan takes you seriously.”

I snort. “No, he doesn’t.”

“Don’t speak for me, Duarte,” Cardan says.

“Don’t boss me around.”

“I think that when you get to college, or at least out into the real world, you’ll find it’s very different,” the Ghost continues.

“I live in the real world,” I retort.

“No, you live in a bubble. A rich person bubble. When there aren’t as many expectations—when there are just normal people—alphas and omegas don’t have as much trouble with each other.”

I press my lips together so I can’t remind him that my mom married an alpha and it didn’t exactly end well. “But systems of oppression still exist. How many omega presidents have we had?”

The Ghost holds up a hand. “We’ve been over this. I’m not saying they don’t.” He pauses. “It wasn’t a kind thing Madoc did, sending you to Insmire.”

I blink at him. “How did you know—”

“Well, we did have to do our research on you.” He presses his lips together. “Cardan said you went to school together.”

“Oh, right.” I feel foolish, and also defensive. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Cardan pick up his head. “Well, Madoc isn’t kind. I mean, he can be, but—he isn’t.”

“No,” the Ghost agrees. “If he was kind, he would have sent you to the best multi-designation or omega prep school there was. But he didn’t let you have it easy. From what I know of him, he wanted to teach you to fight, on all fronts. And from where I’m sitting, it worked. I bet your sister isn’t a pushover either. Your twin?”

I almost laugh, thinking about Taryn fistfighting anyone. But I guess we did both learn to lie pretty well. I shrug my shoulders.

“You’ve had the worst of it in high school with entitled rich kids. The real world is more balanced, and you’re more than ready for it.” He pauses. “And there is one more thing, but I don’t think you’ll appreciate me saying it.”

“Go on.”

“Mating.”

Cardan makes a choked sound.

“I don’t mean sex,” the Ghost says, with a glance at him. “I mean finding a mate. It’s something I’ve thought about, as someone who can’t have it. Sure, betas get to fall in love like everyone else, but we don’t get to have that… connection. That belonging.”

Neither Cardan nor I speak for a moment. We are both too busy looking at the ground. “It’s a lot of pressure,” I say slowly. “What if you pick the wrong person? How do you know?”

“You might.” The Ghost sits back in his chair, seeming to retreat back into himself. I have the feeling this is the most he’s spoken in one go for a long time. Then he says, “But what if you pick the right one?”

I open my mouth to reply when I am hit by another full-body shiver, and then my cramps return with a vengeance. I whimper and wrap my arms around my abdomen. “Ow.”

“She’s getting worse.” It’s Cardan who says it. He sounds newly panicked. “You have to help her. I can’t do it.”

The Ghost raises his eyebrows. “It’s okay for me to help her now?”

“Yeah, well, you were doing alright, keeping her distracted, so I guess you’re ready for more responsibility.”

I blink up at the Ghost, who’s already standing from his chair. “You were distracting me? How long has it been?”

“A good couple of hours. You like to argue.” He helps me out of my seat. “He’s not as stupid as he looks, is he?”

“No,” I say through gritted teeth. “No, he isn’t.” Standing takes most of my concentration, but I look back over my shoulder at Cardan, who’s rigid like he’s grown roots. His hands have a white-knuckled grip on the side of the chair. He nods at me, and I nod back at him and let the Ghost lead me away.

The door to our cell-room had been left open while we were talking around the table, so it’s no longer as stuffy. I let out a groan of relief when I sink down onto the mattress. My gross, terrible mattress. My itchy blankets. I am so happy to be back in a visceral way that I don’t quite understand. Because it’s my “nest,” I guess. I want to wrap myself up in the blankets and curl up in a little ball, but the Ghost is still standing here.

“We have to lock Cardan in with you at night,” he says quietly. He sounds apologetic. “Especially if it’s only me on watch. There won’t always be eyes on him.”

I shrug. “He hates me. I’ll be fine.”

The Ghost’s mouth presses into a thin line.

“Oh, what?” I scoff. “You’re taking your eyes off him right now.”

“Yeah, because I can feel his eyes boring holes in my shirt.”

I snicker. I have decided that as far as people who’ve shot me go, the Ghost really isn’t so bad. “Hey,” I begin, wincing through another cramp, determined to keep distracting myself. “Why are you doing this? The Bomb said she’s sticking with whoever you work for because she owes them. Same for you?”

“No,” he says flatly. “I’m too far in to get out.”

“That can’t be true. I mean, if you go to the police, bargain for immunity in exchange for testimony…”

He gives me a dour look that says I’m being incredibly naive. “Ask me whose house this was.”

I blink at him, wondering if the connection should be obvious and the fever is slowing down my brain. “Whose house… was it?”

“It was being built as a weekend home for someone’s mistress. It was never finished.”

“Why? What happened to her?”

He looks me over, withdrawing further into himself. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll get you more medicine. You should rest. The second half is going to be harder than the first.”

“It is?” I ask, my voice sounding small and pathetic, but he has already left.

---

I don’t remember much about the next twenty-four hours. Just flashes, impressions, snippets of conversation. People are in and out of the room, making sure my water bottle is full, replacing it if it isn’t, giving me pills, for all the good they do. At first it’s the Ghost, but eventually it’s the Bomb, which means she’s come back. My ears, straining to pick out Cardan’s voice through the closed door, hear the Roach’s laugh, so he’s returned too.

It’s a bad day. It doesn’t take me long to sweat right through my dress, and it takes even less time for my shorts to soak through. The medicine can’t keep my temperature in check anymore, only drive it down to a balmy one hundred. I am miserable, and I am bored. There is nothing for me to do but stare at the wall, and even if there were, I probably couldn’t focus on it. My head feels like it’s being weighed down by a bag of rocks. The only thing that seems fully awake and alive is my libido, spiky and insistent. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this sick and this aroused. Masturbation doesn’t help. Nothing helps.

I am aware of Cardan coming back into the room, hours later. I am aware of his footsteps on the floor, the sound of him sitting heavily on the floor. I get a fresh waft of lavender; he showered again before coming in. Even though I had been dozing and wish again to be unconscious, I do pick up my head to look at him.

“Hi,” I say.

He raises one hand in greeting. “Hey.” He looks less like himself than ever, pale and drawn and wilting, and his brows are drawn. But he’s still handsome. Even the paleness benefits him, setting off his dark hair. Like a vampire. I have the urge to press my mouth to the column of his neck again.

Instead, I ask, “What’s wrong?”

“Aside from everything?” Cardan sighs. “I don’t know. The Bomb and the Roach came back, but something is weird. They wouldn’t talk about it in front of me.”

“Oh,” I say. That should mean something to me, but it doesn’t right now. I can’t fit the pieces together.

He sighs again, a longer sigh this time. “And I’m feeling like a pretty shitty alpha,” he says.

“Why?” I ask, drawing my knees in tighter to my chest. “Because you haven’t boned me yet?”

Another strangled noise escapes him. I’m getting used to those little squawks. “One, never say ‘boned’ again. And two, no.” He sounds sullen. He rakes his hand through his hair. “Because I’m not taking care of you.”

My brain short-circuits. “What?”

“I talked to the Roach about it.” He pauses. “I mean… if we were paired up, if we were doing this on purpose, it should be me. I should be helping you. Instead I have to let other people do it.”

“But we’re not paired up, and that is taking care of me. In these circumstances…”

I trail off, and he shrugs. “Yeah, I guess.”

“It sucks,” I say, as if agreeing with him. “And it’s—I’m just scared.”

He tsks, tossing his hair out of his face. “Nothing scares you.”

I pull the blankets tighter around my shoulders. “That’s not true. I’m scared all the time. It’s why I’m so angry at everything, everyone. At myself.”

Cardan is quiet for a moment, then says, “I guess I get that.”

I wonder if he does. There is a lot I still don’t know about Cardan. “If the last year has shown me anything, it’s that I can’t control anybody else’s behavior. Locke. Taryn. Valerian.” I shift. “Just me. It’s just me. I’m the only thing in my control.”

He smiles, weakly. “Slow down, Hamilton.”

“It’s Burr. And that’s not the lyric.”

“Whatever. Nerd.”

My own smile is transient. “Anyway, now I’m not even in my control. Now I have to be afraid of myself. So that… it just sucks.”

“Yeah.” After another stretch of silence, Cardan asks, “Are you afraid of me?”

I don’t answer him right away. Because the answer, of course, is yes. Yes, I have been afraid of him for such a long time. Yes, I am afraid of what he represents, the power and the system set against me. Yes, I am afraid of the way he affects me, the things I want to do, the vulnerability in me.

But the answer, in some strange way, as we have languished in our cell, has also become no.

“I,” I begin, but then there is another urgent cramp, another painful jolt of arousal on its heels, and I groan. “Oh, god.”

Cardan’s eyes widen in alarm. “You don’t have to answer that,” he says quickly. “Just… just relax. Just chill. I’ll stay over here.”

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I manage through gritted teeth, clutching my stomach. It is, of course, worse.

Trying to get comfortable, I toss and turn for ages, but I must fall asleep through the pain because the next thing I know, Cardan is gone again, and I am holding a scrap of soft cloth in my arms. On instinct, I bring it to my nose. It smells like Cardan, that musky smell he’s taken on in the last couple of days. Warmth bursts in my chests like a firework. It’s his shirt. He left his shirt with me. What is he wearing now?

It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I nuzzle the fabric. It is not exactly soft, a little grimy from lack of washing, but saturated with his scent. I am amazed at how my brain calms just from this one, simple thing. My horniness problem is not solved, though, so I slide my hand into my shorts to take care of it, my face still pressed to Cardan’s shirt. It muffles my cries when I come, but I’m honestly too far gone to care if I am heard. After I am finished, I wriggle out of my dress, pull the shirt over my head, and promptly fall back asleep.

I doze fitfully. Someone comes to replace the water bottle, which briefly wakes me long enough that I roll around for a few minutes before I’m out again. I don’t mind that the mattress is lumpy or that the blankets scratch my skin; whenever something begins to bother me too much, I stick my nose in the collar of Cardan’s shirt and breathe in, which is usually enough to soothe me.

I’m not sure whether I’m dreaming or awake when I feel someone press the bottle to my lips and say, “Drink, Jude.” It sounds like the Roach, or maybe Madoc. I open my mouth and manage a couple of swallows of water before putting my head back down and dragging the blankets up over my shoulders.

“Is she still asleep?” I hear Cardan ask. His voice is hushed. The smell of him doesn’t bother me so much now that I have his shirt, but I do scent him and groan softly, pressing my face into the pillow.

“Mostly,” says probably-the-Roach.

There’s a pause, then Cardan asks, “Can I do it?”

“You shouldn’t.”

“I know, but I want to help.” Something shuffles, like he’s kicked at the floor. “She’s only like this because of me.”

The Roach sighs, then says, “All right. Come over, but be careful.”

I hear Cardan’s footsteps on the floor, and then a hand pushes some of my hair off of my sweaty face, dragging down to skim my cheek. I lean into his hand. It feels so good to be touched.

“Jude, hey,” he says quietly. “Can you pick your head up a little higher for me?”

There’s something beneath his voice, a dark undertow that pulls me down. I find that I want to do what he says, which isn’t a remotely comforting thought. But I pick up my head, and he keeps one hand against my jaw as he tips the jug against my mouth. A little water trickles down my neck, wetting the shirt he lent me, but I swallow most of it down.

“That’s good.” He takes the jug away and sets it back down on the floor. I can hear the strain in his words, like he’s fighting with himself. “Really good.”

His hand finds my hair again, and I would do anything for him to just keep running his fingers through it, but then the Roach says, “I think that’s enough.”

Cardan disentangles his fingers from my hair and stands; I hear him step back. “It’s just so weird,” he says. “It’s weird to see her like this. She hates—she never asks for help. I’ve never seen her vulnerable.”

“Well, her body’s treating it like a sickness,” the Roach says. “But we’re looking out for her. Another, what, day or so? Less than a day? And she should be free and clear. And hopefully by then this will all be over and we can let you guys out.”

“Yeah.” There’s a pause, and then, “Thanks.”

The Roach chuckles. “Don’t thank me, kid. We kidnapped you.”

“I know, but.” Cardan hesitates. “Is it weird that in some ways I’d rather be here than home?”

“Pretty weird, yeah.”

“Yeah.” Then, lowering his voice to a whisper, he asks, “Jude?”

I say nothing, do nothing. I want to keep eavesdropping. He wouldn’t be saying half of this if he thought I was awake. So I keep my breathing low and even, and let him say what he wants.

But he says nothing, and for a second I think he’s getting ready to leave me alone again. Then I hear him take a step—toward me—and his hand is briefly back in my hair. I feel warm lips against my forehead, soft and fleeting like the brush of a butterfly’s wings. I have to fight my every instinct not to lean up into the kiss and give myself away, but then his hand and lips are both gone. I hear the quick retreat of his footsteps, the closing of the door.

“It’s not fair,” I whisper to the empty cell. “You can’t just leave me with that.”

But he can, and he did, because he assumed I was asleep. He left me with the memory of a forehead kiss, with a whispered conversation to dissect, and a tingling feeling throughout my entire body.

“I hate you so much,” I say, curling closer around his shirt. There is no answer but my erratic heartbeat, drumming out a truth I am almost, but not quite, ready to hear.

#jurdan #judecardan #jude x cardan #jurdan fanfic #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #tfota #the folk of the air #the cruel prince #the wicked king #the queen of nothing #mine: fic #fic: 132 hours

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anakinisvaderisanakin · 3 years

Text

Destiny (RotJ AU oneshot)

“Thank the Force, you’re safe!”

Leia didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as she flung herself into Luke’s open arms, his face concealed by the darkness as the soft full moon rose like a halo behind his head. She breathed out a sigh, holding him close as she let the tension that had been bearing down on her go. The gnawing ball of anxiety at the pit of belly faded, as relief flooded her senses.

“We won,” she added in a rushed tone, barely able to believe her own words as she realized the freedom they had fought for was now within their grasp.

“We did,” said Luke, soft spoken as he returned his sister’s embrace; his prosthetic hand coming up to gently envelope the back of her thin neck. “But there is more that needs to be done.”

Leia shook her head, knowing he was right but refusing to let the long road still ahead of them spoil this moment of euphoria in the wake of their victory. With eyes closed, she smiled softly.

“Let’s not think of the future. The Death Star is destroyed. The Emperor is destroyed.”

Luke didn’t need to tell her, for her to know he had fulfilled the task of ridding the Galaxy of its dictator. She could feel the responsibility of the act weighing heavy on his conscience.

“He is,” her brother said either way, but Leia was surprised to find the words didn’t bring her the calm she had expected.

Instead, Luke’s tone seemed flat, solemn. It seemed uncanny, unnatural for him. Leia decided to dismiss it as nonsense. Instead, she focused on Luke’s arms around her, and the tender kiss he placed against her forehead. She had always known they belonged together, that there was a connection between them.

It had taken some time for her to realize what exactly the bond was, but as soon as she realized she had fallen in love with Han, she knew Luke was the brother she’d always been missing. The brother she’d sometimes see in her dreams, a twin she’d never known. She had assumed her possible lost brother had died in the womb, that the ghost was a figment of her imagination. Now, she knew better.

Still, another question was begging to be answered. She felt the hatred and disgust well up inside her, before she even uttered the name on her mind. She sensed Luke’s reluctance to discuss it, knowing he heard her inquiry before she said it. Its taste bitter on her tongue.

“Is… where is Vader?”

“Our fath--”

“Your father,” Leia interrupted sharply, and she swore she could have heard Luke snort in annoyance if it weren’t so out of character for him to be intemperate. “Your father, my sire.”

“Father has changed. When we first spoke, I was afraid of his words. I was afraid of his intentions, of what he might do to me - and to you. But I’m not afraid anymore,” Luke said after a moment, but this time Leia didn’t imagine the cutting edge to his voice. “He asked me to relay a message. To you.”

“I want no part of his last wishes.”

“I know.”

Leia hated the tension that had formed between them, tainting the air and making it almost oppressive. She had no intentions of forgiving the man who had fathered her, who had stood dumbly by as her home planet and her adoptive - her real - parents were murdered. Her people turned to dust in the blink of an eye. Vader was nothing to her, and much as she knew Luke had been entertaining the idea of forming a bond with Vader as a parent, she had no such notions.

Biting her lip, Leia clung to Luke. For a moment, she feared he would back away. She feared he may be upset, despite the fact that she had never seen Luke be anything but calm and serene since he first became a Jedi Knight. She stroked his back, the rough fabric of his robes a familiar presence. Hiding her face against Luke’s chest, she shut any thoughts of Vader out but she was still hyper aware that Luke hadn’t confirmed whether the Dark Lord was dead or alive.

In the distance, she could hear the chattering of ewoks mingling with Chewbacca’s cheerful yowls, and if she strained her ears she could make out Han’s gruff tone as he conversed with Lando over a glass of whatever the Ewok equivalent to liquor was called. They would be alright.

But when Luke spoke again, interrupting the pleasant background noises of celebration, the mournful aura he was emanating could not be ignored.

“That’s why I must be the one to do his bidding.”

“What are you talking about?” Leia said, tilting her head slightly upwards to attempt to catch his eyes.

Before she had the chance, the hand at the back of her neck guided her confounded face away as he pressed her tightly to her chest.

“I didn’t understand before, but now I do. The Emperor was seduced by the darkness inside of himself, not by the Force itself. The Force is neither light nor dark, you cannot know it if you do not walk the line between the contradictions.”

“I don’t understand.”

Leia wasn’t lying, Luke’s words made little sense but she couldn’t keep the tension from pouring back into her weary bones ever so slightly. Something was amiss, but she allowed Luke to squeeze her as she returned the embrace with the same fervour. It seemed desperate, as if Luke was stalling something inevitable, something momentous. Perhaps, she already knew where he was going. Perhaps they were both buying themselves more time.

“Father knows. About you,” Luke finally breathed, the admission of guilt filling Leia’s heart with dread and fear. “I tried, but I couldn’t keep it from him.”

“You let him live.”

It wasn’t a question, and when Luke offered no reply, Leia knew it to be true. She dug her fingers into his back, but forced herself not to lash out. She wanted Vader dead, she wanted to see him suffer as a punishment for all the atrocities he had committed. As she struggled with the battle between her love for her brother and her disdain for her biological father, she could sense Luke’s sorrow growing in magnitude. It became palpable, until it overpowered even her vivacious, volatile emotional turmoil.

“You are too good, Luke,” she finally murmured, relenting for now despite the simmering disappointment and anger beneath the surface.

“Yes. I have been. And I remain to be, but it can be remedied.”

Leia flinched as the durasteel fingertips of her brother’s cybernetic hand dug into the side of her neck - a neck she became ever so aware of, reminded of its frailty. She reached out with that unknown, premonitory, invisible hand to search his feelings. She sensed no malice, only grief. She simply couldn’t grasp what he was mourning, or who, if Vader was still alive.

“There is so much more that I don’t yet understand, but I can learn. But so can you,” he continued, and shivers of unease ran down Leia’s spine at the spiteful way in which he brought her into the equation - so unlike the Luke she knew.

“I don’t want to learn about the Force,” she said, in an effort to reassure herself as much as Luke.

“No. Not now. But you will, eventually. It can’t be helped. Your potential will draw you towards it, as it did me. You can fight it, or embrace it as I have. It won’t matter, it takes you either way. You have no choice.”

“I don’t believe that,” Leia scoffed, the sinking feeling in her belly foreboding.

“It doesn’t matter what you believe, nor does it matter what I believe. It’s the truth.”

The conviction of those words was irrefutable, and for a second Leia feared Luke could actually foresee the future and was speaking with an unearned wisdom regarding what was to pass. She found herself dreading the fact that there may be a predestined path for her.

“You sense it too, don’t you? You have felt its call, you have felt it beckoning to you. The Force.”

Leia wavered, about to reply when she remembered something she had overheard in the past. Luke communicating with an unseen figure, its voice eerily similar to the late Obi-Wan’s - its warning prodding at her subconscious until she had no choice but to reiterate it aloud.

“The Force doesn’t beckon. The Dark Side does.”

“But it has called you, hasn’t it?”

Luke didn’t falter, and Leia didn’t deny him. Her silence was all the compliance he needed, and she felt another chaste kiss pressed to the top of her head. Again, the durasteel prickle of his cold, harsh fingers buried themselves a little farther into the tender flesh of her nape.

“Then it has already been decided. Father was right. You are too much like him.”

Leia jerked back, trying to rear away as hurt, rage and disgust rushed to the surface in a flurry. Instead, she found herself trapped by Luke’s powerful hold. Heart sinking, she realized the dread she had been feeling wasn’t merely caused by Vader’s survival. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sounds came forth. She tried to yank her arms free, but the unseen hands keeping her firmly put were too strong. She wanted to scream, wanted to kick, and writhe, and punch, and claw her way out. Instead, she stood paralyzed as Luke’s fingers grew painfully tight around the back of her nape; tips pressing against her hammering pulse point.

“There can be only two; one master and one apprentice. You have an inherent rage. You would make the perfect Sith, but if you become Father’s apprentice…” Luke trailed off, and the meaning behind the unspoken intent was enough to suck the air out of Leia’s lungs.

Swallowing had, she found it difficult to breathe; and the vice closing around her neck was getting ever tighter. She could feel the sharp sting as unforgiving durasteel pierced her skin, and the rush of warmth that could only be blood spilling down the front of her dress. As her mind grew foggy, Leia realizing the welcoming darkness was likely of Luke’s doing to ease her into the eternal sleep, she picked up on his voice close to her ear. Despite the haze as life faded, her brother’s words were crisp and clear and haunting.

“This is the only way. It is my destiny,” he said, with an evident choked tremor to the delivery. “I’m sorry.”

Head tipping backwards, the last thing Leia noted was the irony in the lone tear that slid down Luke’s pale cheek juxtaposed with the predatory, greedy glow of his now bloodshot golden eyes.

***

Because there aren’t enough Dark!Luke AUs out there, so have my take on an alternate ending to RotJ where Luke falls and Vader lives. Enjoy!

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official-wayward-keener · 3 years

Text

Standin' in Front of You Sayin' I'm Sorry for that Night

@spideytorchweek 2021 Day 7: free day

The Spider is causing Johnny more problems, but after he kills an innocent, Johnny must find him even if it cost him his life. Peter did something he regrets and now he is getting pulled away from the man he loves.

Ao3 Link here

The Spider was getting on Johnny’s nerves as they fought. He just wanted to go home and sleep in his boyfriend’s arms but no he had to fight this villain known as the Spider. The spider kept choosing to annoy him and wrapping him up with his webbing before he slipped out and Johnny couldn’t do anything but hope that he could get home to get a hot shower before Peter got home.

No one knew that Johnny Storm was the Human Torch. It may have made things awkward for him because his boyfriend who he loved so much was the Spider. The same villain who he was fighting but he didn’t know that. Peter Parker, the boy that loved Johnny with all of his heart, was the villain who stole from the rich to give to the poor. Johnny probably would never know if Peter kept it hidden not wanting Johnny to get in trouble for his crimes. When they both were home, they cuddled not knowing that hours before the two of them had been fighting.

“Do you think that we will be together forever?” Peter asked.

“I think that we will be together forever,” Johnny said. “I can’t think of anything that would ever separate us.”

“I can think of a few things that could break us apart,” Peter said concerned.

“I would never leave you,” Johnny said.

“And I would never leave you,” Peter told him. Johnny smiled at him cuddling up to him not knowing that their days were numbered as a hero and a villain could not love each other for long.

It had been an accident. Peter had killed the man instead of just stealing from him. He had not meant to kill him but now the man was dead and the Fantastic Four were after him. He decided to lay low and spend more time with Johnny but Johnny was not around. He was gone more for work related events.

“I wish you could be home more,” Peter told him.

“Something major came up at work,” Johnny said.

“Maybe I can visit you at the shop sometime and we can have lunch,” Peter suggested.

“May you be when I am not busy,” Johnny said, figuring that Peter would be busy again with work in no time. He had a few slow weeks apparently and Johnny loved coming home to his boyfriend after a long day of hunting for the murderous spider. Maybe he would catch the spider before Peter was back to his normal schedule.

The news was on when Johnny came home as Peter watched the reporter talking about the Spider and how he killed Flash Thompson.

“Sad to hear,” Johnny said.

“Flash wasn’t a good guy.” was all Peter told him. Johnny didn’t care about that but Peter was acting nonchalant about what the villain did. Part of him wondered why Peter was even watching the news.

“I think that the Spider is guilty for what he did,” Betty Brant said. “We haven’t heard from him since and the Spider was a well known villain who never harmed people. I know Flash had a way of targeting people when we were in high school so maybe he tried to fight Spider and Spider forgot his own strength. Wouldn’t be the first time the Spider forgot his own strength as others have been injured including Invisible Woman and Iron Man.”

“All speculation on some stupid villian who probably just went to Canada or something to avoid punishment,” Peter said rolling his eyes and shutting off the TV.

“He was a well known villain who killed someone,” Johnny explained.

“And he will have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. I hope he burns for his crime,” Peter said feeling the guilt come back and taking him over. Peter went to their room leaving Johnny to wonder what happened to make Peter so angry with the Spider.

Peter couldn’t take it any longer. He needed to get out and help those on the street again. He knew that the people at F.E.A.S.T missed the help that Spider dropped off so he went out. The only issue was that the Human Torch found him. The hero growled at him as he pushed him into the wall holding him there.

“You think you can control the world,” Johnny told him, annoyed at the man.

“I think I can help out the little people who don’t have much cause of big shots like yourself,” Peter said, pushing the man away. They fought for a bit neither winning the battle both full of hate for the other. Peter was mad that a hero could do nothing but stand by while Johnny was mad at how a villain could kill an innocent. It wasn’t until Peter had knocked Johnny down and started punching him that Johnny thought he saw the end. He finally faded into nothingness as Peter pulled off the mask and saw Johnny beaten under it. He looked at his hands offended by what he did.

“I killed him,” Peter said, feeling a tear falling as he tore off his mask and held Johnny until the police dragged him away from his love. Peter knew he would be facing punishment.

Peter sat in the cell as Sue Storm came in looking upset. He didn’t want to talk to her but he knew he was going to be hearing whatever she said even if he didn’t talk.

“They are talking about putting you away for life,” Sue told him. “What you did, it hurt my family and I don’t understand how anyone could forgive you for your crimes?” Peter knew she was right. “Except Stark who found out that you accidentally killed Eugene Thompson and has been bargaining for a plea deal for you.”

“I should burn for my crimes,” Peter said. Sue was surprised by what he said.

“Peter, you are being given a fresh start. I suggest you use it to be a better man than who you were before. You did a lot to my family and you… what you did to Johnny is unacceptable. I hope that I never see you again Peter Parker, because you don’t deserve this redemption in my mind,” Sue told him. Peter agreed with her and when Tony Stark and Steve Rogers later showed up Peter told them as much.

“It’s a second chance. Those don’t come often,” Steve told him.

“I don’t want a second chance if he isn’t in my life,” Peter said.

“Maybe he will be one day,” Tony said.

“Not if he is gone,” Peter said. Tony and Steve looked at him feeling bad.

“Don’t you want to be the person that he would have wanted you to be?” Steve asked. The truth was Peter wanted to be that person. He wanted to make Johnny proud even if Johnny wasn’t there anymore to see him. He thanked them as he took their deal knowing he was doing it all for Johnny Storm.

Johnny woke in pain as he looked around the room to find Ben sitting next to him watching TV. Peter would normally be next to him if something bad happened. Peter should have been here. He went to move but it all hurt.

“Don’t move. You have a few broken bones and a few cracked ribs. Spider throws a mean punch,” Ben said.

“Peter?” Johnny asked.

“Left town and isn’t coming back,” Ben said. Johnny froze. Peter wouldn’t have left town. Not without a reason. “The kid decided he wanted to get back with some girl, Mary Jane I think, and left you while you were in the hospital bed passed out. Sue is pissed at him and I think I heard Reed talk about how he was planning his death.”

“Peter wouldn’t have left without telling me,” Johnny said but Ben’s response didn’t change nor did his sisters or brother-in-laws as they told him the same story. Spider was being released into the custody of the Avengers according to Sue who told Johnny he took a plea deal.

“The little shit beat you up and the avengers took him in as one of their own,” Ben grumbled.

“Changing the branding and not telling the public either,” Johnny said as he saw Spider-Man on the cover of a magazine. The hero who was once the villain Spider. Johnny wanted to give him a piece of his mind but Sue suggested against it.

“I talked with him and I’m shocked he took the deal. He was acting as if it was the wrong punishment for him,” Sue said. “I don’t know if he feels sorry or if he regrets what he did but he will be living with it for the rest of his life now.” Johnny didn’t feel bad for it but he knew he needed to heal. Spider would get what he deserved and Johnny hoped he could give him a word.

“I know the drill,” Peter said in the comm for the millionth time. Part of his rehabilitation was patrolling and helping out people which Peter enjoyed. He just was constantly reminded that he was being tracked. Peter sat on the roof. He had thrown himself into being a hero but part of him wished he could apologize to Sue for taking her brother or find Johnny’s last resting place. Sue made it clear what had happened. Peter knew what he did. He would live with that forever.

“Didn’t know they let you out unsupervised,” a familiar voice said. Peter turned looking at the human torch. Now he was being haunted again by the boy who stole his heart and buried it six feet under.

“Not in the mood,” Peter said.

“Don’t say you aren’t in the mood,” Johnny said.

“I rather not be haunted by my past today so leave,” Peter muttered knowing it wouldn’t work. It never did.

“You want me to leave?” Johnny said. “Golden comes from the guy who attempted to kill me.”

“Killed you,” Peter corrected the fake Johnny. That caused the human torch to stop. “Don’t you think I have enough regret Johnny without seeing you every waking moment knowing I killed you. That I could have stopped. I lost control and it's my fault. I took the deal because I knew you wanted me to be a better person but some days I wonder if maybe I should have just stayed in the cell and rotted away like the criminal scum I was.” Johnny didn’t say anything as Peter swung away from him leaving him to wonder what Spider meant.

“Spider thinks I’m dead,” Johnny told Ben. Ben was surprised. Ben, unlike Reed and Sue, did not know who Spider was, only that he was now Spider-Man. He didn’t know the whole story.

“The kid thinks he killed you?” Ben said.

“Knew my identity too,” Johnny said.

“Sue said he found out who you were but she never said anything else,” Ben said. Johnny was annoyed. He just wanted to call Peter and rant to him about his day but Peter was gone. He couldn’t find him. He was half-tempted to ask May but he figured it was best not to get her involved.

“I’m going for a walk,” Johnny finally decided to leave Ben and throw on his jacket heading to May’s. May was home when he got there as he knocked on the door. She smiled and let him in.

“Have you heard from Peter?” He asked. May shook her head.

“He disappeared a while ago right when you got into the hospital. No one knows what happened. I heard you got mugged on the street and Peter found you,” May said.

“You haven’t heard from him either?” Johnny said.

“The occasional letter with no return address. He doesn’t normally stop by. Haven’t seen him in a long while. He is somewhere in New York though. He mentioned going to one of his favorite spots last week to think.

“Ben told me he was at the hospital with me,” Johnny said.

“From Peter’s letter, I assumed you were dead. He doesn’t talk about you much that he just regrets not being the boyfriend you deserved,” May told him. Johnny felt bad. Peter was blaming himself for Johnny getting injured. He also wondered why Sue and Reed told him one story about Peter which was false and where was Peter really in New York. Johnny decided to try and hunt him down if it was the last thing he did. Peter would face him over what he did and would explain why he really left.

The gazebo was normally empty at night. Peter had asked to go to the park and he knew he was being watched. He didn’t know who was watching him tonight as he sat looking at the water.

“Nice night we are having,” Johnny said. Peter wanted to scream at his inner demons.

“Not really. I gotta get up to fly out tomorrow,” Peter said.

“I’m not mad at you for not being able to protect me,” Johnny told him.

“What are you even talking about?” Peter asked, frustrated with his inner demons. “You think this is easy. Moving on is easy for me. It’s not easy. I can’t move on and here you keep popping up at random places and haunting me as if I weren’t the one to cause you pain.”

“You did nothing wrong, Peter,” Johnny said.

“Bullshit. You are dead, stop haunting me,” Peter said, starting to walk but Johnny followed.

“Peter, I’m not dead,” Johnny told him. Peter stopped almost frozen. “I survived what happened to me and I came back to my boyfriend gone and my family lying to me and suddenly the guy who did this to me is out trying to become a better person, but the worst of it was when I woke up and my boyfriend wasn’t by my side.” Peter turned and grabbed Johnny’s hand feeling for a pulse and took a deep breath before dropping it.

“Sue will kill me if she knew we saw each other,” Peter said.

“Sue has no right to decide who I see and who I don’t see,” Johnny said.

“I got to go. You should leave before whoever is watching me calls your sister up,” Peter let him know before he ran off leaving Johnny wondering why Peter was being followed and by who.

Johnny got home with more questions than answers. He found Sue on the couch annoyed.

“You couldn’t leave well enough alone,” Sue told him.

“What do you mean?” Johnny asked.

“You saw him today,” Sue said, spitting venom when she said him as if Peter’s name shouldn’t be spoken in their house.

“He thought I was dead,” Johnny said. “You let him believe that. You pushed him away from me.” Sue was frustrated then.

“I didn’t push him away from you, I was protecting you from the man who hurt you. From the man who beat you to a pulp within an inch of your life. You want to know the truth. Your boyfriend was Spider and when he was found having hurt his boyfriend, I decided it was time to intervene and keep you away from the man who hurt you, because I care about you,” Sue was mad and Johnny couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Everything made sense now including Peter’s behaviors before the incident when he had more time on his hands.

“Peter is Spider?” Johnny said. ‘He will have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. I hope he burns for his crime,’ Peter’s voice repeated in his mind. Johnny didn’t know why he never noticed it until that moment that Peter was guilty for his crime. He knew what he did was wrong and he felt bad. He felt bad for hurting Johnny.

“He is,” Sue told him. Johnny paused and walked out as Sue called for him. He turned to her and looked her straight in the eyes.

“I’m going to the Avenger’s Mansion. Don’t try and stop me because you will only upset me more,” Johnny said before turning back around and leaving.

Steve and Tony said it was a bad idea but Johnny didn’t care because he needed to talk to Peter. He needed to make sure Peter was okay. His boyfriend had been suffering for too long and now they needed to talk about everything. Peter was in his room which was messy like the room they had shared before Peter had disappeared and Sue moved Johnny back home.

“Peter,” Johnny said. Peter froze but turned not wanting to hear Johnny tell him that he was ashamed of him. This was the real Johnny. He could hear his heartbeat and he knew it was the same Johnny he onced lover and that probably hated him now. “Look I’m not mad. Sue finally told me everything and I know the truth now. I know how hard it's been for you. You had to live with this and pretend you were okay after you accidentally killed someone because you didn’t kill him on purpose. You never would have.”

“He was venom,” Peter said. Johnny froze. He knew about venom. For Peter to tell him this side of the story he knew that Peter really didn’t mean to hurt him. “He knew my identity but he promised not to tell. I thought I saw venom that night. I was a bit tipsy and because of that I accidentally killed Flash thinking he was venom. Then the other night I was so mad and you were there except I didn’t know and I punched too hard and I thought I killed you. I felt as if the world was getting me back for harming an innocent. Except it wasn’t because you were fine at the end and you came home. Well you came to a house. I ruined us just like I predicted.” Johnny sat next to Peter.

“You didn’t ruin us. I don’t trust you but I still love you. I don’t think I could ever stop loving you. I just don’t want you to blame yourself anymore because I am here for you if you need me. As a friend for now.” Peter nodded but didn’t say anything as they sat on his bed wondering if they would ever be able to trust each other again. Maybe they will with time or maybe they would never be together again. Whatever happened would happen though as they sat there in silence of the ruins of their relationship.

#spideytorch week 2021 #spideytorch #spideytorch week #johnny storm #peter parker

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imaginejamesandsirius · 3 years

Note

Hello, first of all: thank you for the amazing fics!! If you have time here's an idea for a prompt: Sirius has suffered through rape or a sexual assault in the past and has now, like, problems with doing anything sexual and he's afraid, that James won't want him if he was to find out and tries to meet James's needs. Maybe he panics or something it's up to you. And James is really cute and protective about it.

((A/N: Warning for discussions of sexual assault as discussion of assault by a family member and asexuality from trauma is pretty much all this fic is. If that's a topic that could bother you, you might need to skip this one <3 ))

In Sirius's defense, he'd thought that since he loved James so much, that when the time came, he'd be ready; he'd thought that he'd want it.

But it didn't really work out that way. Instead, he ended up panicking and shoving James away. And then he just stared at him with wide eyes, heart in his throat and feeling like he was going to throw up. Then he ran for the loo and locked himself in because he needed space to breathe, but he didn't want to leave James's flat entirely and couldn't very well hide in James's room-- that would've been worse than staying where he'd been on the couch. If he threw up, at least he was in the right place.

He felt like utter rubbish. It was partially a shock to him, but simultaneously not a surprise at all. Ever since his aunt had assaulted him at a family holiday party, he hadn't even been able to wank, let alone hook up with someone else. But, as he said, he'd thought that since he loved James so bloody much, it wouldn't be a problem. James, for one, was nothing like his aunt. For another, him and James had been dating for months. Kissing James was plenty of fun, but every time it started to lead somewhere, Sirius felt nauseous. After it not getting better with time, he'd guessed that the best thing to do was go ahead, and then he'd like it afterwards. He'd been... very wrong about that. Ridiculously wrong. If the situation wasn't buggering up his head so much, it would be funny how wrong he'd been.

A soft knock came on the door. "Sirius? Are you okay?"

He blew out a breath. How the hell was he going to explain this? James had invited him over, and he'd said yes, knowing full well what James had in mind when he offered-- mostly because James had told him straight out.

"Did I hurt you?" James continued when a long moment of silence passed.

The idea of James hurting him was laughable. Sirius had been totally panicked, but it hadn't been fear of James that caused it. He knew that he should say something, but he couldn't think of what to say. That it was ridiculous for James to be worried? It wouldn't be fair to say that when Sirius was the one who had run out.

"Erm, can you at least tell me if you're alive?"

A laugh startled out of him. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm alive."

"Okay, that's good. I erm, I'm sorry."

"What the hell are you sorry for?"

"Thinking we were on the same page when we weren't. I swear, I would never force you into anything. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. We can wait as long as you need."

And there was the problem. Sirius knew himself well enough to know that if he wasn't ready now, then he never would be. He'd been studiously ignoring that fact in an effort to give James the traditional relationship he surely wanted, and look how that had turned out.

"If you want to leave, I'll understand. We can talk tomorrow. Or in a couple days, if you need space. Really, Sirius, it's whatever you want."

"No, I don't- I mean-" Sirius stopped with a frustrated sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. He didn't remember sitting on the toilet lid, but he got up and unlocked the door and opened it, then leaned against the counter. "I don't think I'm ever going to want sex, is the problem."

James's expression was expectedly kind. Expected, because James was always kind to him. "It's not really a problem, but I wish you would've told me. I didn't mean to pressure you."

"I thought I could get past it, you know? But ever since- well, I've had sex before and liked it, so I thought that since I love you, I'd be able to do it. You weren't pressuring me, and I'm sorry if I led you on." Sirius made a face. "Well, I did lead you on, but it was sort of an accident. I was supposed to be able to follow through."

"No, it's- gods, don't apologise. But you could have mentioned this when I first brought up sex, and then we could've taken things a bit slower. That way, even if the end result would be the same, you wouldn't have felt so trapped. Bugger, that sounds like I'm accusing you, doesn't it? Sorry, I didn't mean it that way."

Sirius shook his head before James could continue apologising. "I was worried that you wouldn't want to date me anymore if I told you. Which isn't the best way to start a relationship, I'm aware."

"It's fine." It looked like James was going to say something else, then he paused and hitched a thumb over his shoulder. "D'you want to continue this conversation in the living room?" He quirked a smile. "I promise to keep my hands to myself."

Sirius smiled back weakly. "Sure." If only because this room was a little cold. Plus he felt silly, standing in his boyfriend's toilet after having run away from him.

"So I'm not trying to force a label on you or summat, but are you asexual?"

Sirius squinted at him, doing mental gymnastics to try and figure out what that was supposed to mean. "Isn't that a thing bugs do?" he asked slowly.

James blinked, then grinned. He wasn't mocking Sirius-- to date, he never had-- but he was charmingly amused, like he always was when Sirius didn't know something; James claimed it was because he rarely knew something that Sirius didn't, and that actually seemed likely, considering the sort of person that James was. "That's asexual reproduction, where they don't have to mate to have offspring. I meant asexual as, like, a queer orientation."

"Oh." That made sense, but he also hadn't thought about it before. "I dunno. I just haven't wanted to since..."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Sirius looked down and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "My father sent me to a therapist after it happened. He said it was pretty common for a family member to be the one responsible in underage cases." He shifted his weight uncomfortably. He'd never told anyone before. "Can I hug you?" he mumbled.

"Yeah, of course," James said, holding his arms open.

Sirius dove right in without a second thought. "Thanks," he said automatically.

"Anytime." James rubbed his hand in a soothing circular motion against the middle of Sirius's back. It helped keep his heart from feeling like it was going to beat out of his chest.

He'd never told anyone before because he'd never had to. James was his first boyfriend since then, so it's not as if anyone else he went on dates with had warranted the conversation. Plus, his only friend at the time had been Lily. No one in the family had had to be told, obviously, and Regulus had filled Lily in so that Sirius wouldn't have to; she had never brought it up, except to ask if he was feeling okay every once in a while. "I'm sorry," Sirius muttered. "I thought that I'd be past it by now."

"I hope I'm not overstepping," James said softly, "but have you considered that it's not something you're going to get over? Sometimes things change you. Permanently. Nothing wrong with that."

Unbidden, tears sprung up in his eyes. No one had told him that it was okay for him to be different. Neither Lily nor Regulus had really known what to say to make him feel better. Father had just about killed his sister. Mother liked to pretend that it hadn't happened. The therapist had done his best, but Sirius hadn't really wanted to work with him. He'd gotten Sirius to be comfortable enough going back to school every day, and then Sirius had told his parents that he was better. It was only now, years later, that James told him he was fine for being different than before; Sirius had always wanted to get back to normal.

Sirius sniffled a little, trying to make sure he didn't get any snot on James's shirt. "Thanks. I just- I wanted to be perfect for you."

"Would I sound horribly corny if I said you're already perfect?"

Sirius laughed, wiping at his eyes. "A bit."

"Well. It's the truth."

He laughed again, giving James a grateful squeeze before letting go.

"You want to watch a movie? Or would you rather go home?" James asked.

"A movie sounds good, if you don't mind." In fact, a movie sounded great. There was nothing Sirius wanted more than to cuddle up with James and eat chocolates for the rest of the night.

James smiled at him, like he was delighted that this was the turn their evening had taken. There wasn't a trace of disappointment to be found in his expression, even though Sirius thought it might be warranted. James looked at him like he was always happy to see him, no matter the circumstances. It was hard to believe that Sirius had been so worried about how he'd react.

He was still feeling the lingering effects of his earlier panic, but now he was left feeling the way he always did after he overreacted. In his defense, this was less of an overreaction and more of a miscalculation. He'd assumed that it would always be something he could get past, and what better time to make a recovery than when he was in a loving, wonderful relationship? But he'd been wrong about 'getting back to normal', and he'd definitely been wrong about trying to force his way past it.

#prongsfoot #marauders #james potter #sirius black #fanfic #filled #rape tw #established relationship #no magic au #post hogwarts #siriuslystarbucks

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anxiousstark · 4 years

Text

S1 04 | Lunatic

MASTERLIST

Stiles Stilinski x Reader! Half-sibling!Mccall

Word count: 1917

Warnings: Mentions of injuries, blood, swearing (always).

A/N: I’m sorry but this chapter is just a ‘filler’. We need this chapter for future things. I will let you all know that as chapters get published, there will be more action. For now, Season 2 is my favourite one. But the following chapters of Season 1 start getting quite interesting.

The next day, Scott and Stiles decided to go back to school, while I concluded I wasn't ready. Not yet. I felt rare, something was going on, and I didn't know what.

I was relaxing in the living room. Melissa had tried to start a conversation with me. You know, even though she was the one who decided to let me stay here, I think every time she glanced at me, she saw me as a product of her lover cheating on her with another woman. I couldn't hate her for that because it was true. I'm sure she asked herself how was he able to maintain two different lives. At the end of the day, Scott and I were the same age.

We hear the door opening.

"Scott?"

"Stiles." I chuckled while looking at him from the brown couch.

"Key!" Melissa exclaimed when she saw the object in his hand.

"Yeah. I had one made, so-"

"That doesn't surprise me. It scares me, but it doesn't surprise me." She grinned while Stiles let his bag fall to the ground. It made some unusual and loud noises when it touched the ground. "What is that?"

"Uh, school project."

"Mmm, Stiles. He's okay, right?"

"Who? Scott? Yeah. Totally."

"He just doesn't talk to me that much anymore, not like he used to." My eyes got teary when I overheard her words. I wanted to miss my mom. But she wasn't like Melissa, and she wouldn't be like her, she was never worried about me. She never cared about our the emptiness in our fridge. She cared about that white cupboard, on the right side of the kitchen that was filled with alcohol. Nor did she care about going to jail, four times a year.

Scott was lucky because he had one parent. I didn't.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah, um. Okay, uh. Be careful tonight."

"You, too."

Melissa went to work, letting us know that there were some leftovers in the fridge. Stiles grinned, sitting down on the couch next to me.

"You didn't come today." He left his bag fall to the ground. "Was it because of yesterday?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Kind of." I sighed. "I also felt like I needed to rest, and Melissa told us that we could stay home if we wanted to." I sneezed, looking at his bag. "What's there? I'm sure that's not for a school project."

He grinned, opening the bag. "Today is the day you get to know what is going on." He made a gesture with his head. I looked inside the box which contained chains. "It's for Scott."

My eyes traveled to him. "Uhm." The Hazel-eyed boy was looking at me with a big smile on his face. "Are you guys like..." I coughed a little. "Are you guys into some kind of dominant-submissive relationship?"

His face changed completely, and he made a gesture like he was going to puke. "Iugh. No." He was lost in his thoughts for a moment. "I just pictured that. Thank you so much for putting such a...picture inside my head." He shivered while I chuckled. "Let's go upstairs. When Scott comes home we will explain."

I nodded, getting up from the couch, Stiles following me. I started climbing the stairs when I was interrupted by one of his inquiries. "I hope that at least you thought I was the dominant one."

"Stiles!" I yelled while laughing.

He opened the door to Scott's bedroom while I searched for the switch with my hand to turn on the light. When I did, both of us jumped as we got scared by Scott sitting down on his chair. "Oh, my God! Dude. You scared the hell out of me. Your mom said you weren't home yet." Stiles let the bag fall again to the ground while I examined Scott's face.

"I came in through the window." How the fuck did he do that?

"Okay. Uh, well, let's get this set up. I want you to see what I bought."

"I'm fine. I'm just gonna lock the door and go to bed early tonight."

"You sure about that? 'Cause you've got this kind of serial killer look going on in your eyes, and I'm hoping it's the full moon taking effect, 'cause it's really starting to freak me out."

Scott slowly kneeled on the floor, his eyes examining his best friend, sometimes gazing up at me. He grabbed the chains, tightening his grip on them. "You think I'm gonna let you put these on and chain me up like a dog?"

"Actually, no." Stiles threw himself at Scott. He had stolen one of his dad's handcuffs, and he had used it to handcuff Scott to the heat in his room.

"Stiles, what the hell are you doing?" I murmured while my eyes scanned both boys, and my mind tried to comprehend what was going on.

"I'm protecting him from himself." He gazed at Scott. "And giving you some payback - For making out with Lydia." I glanced at him, his eyes were teary. It was obvious to assume that he had a crush on Lydia. You could see how his attention was on her all the time. The way he blushed when someone talked about her, and the way he hated himself for not being Jackson. Stiles was an open book. Did Scott kiss his best friend's crush? Damn, he is worse than I thought he was.

I was keeping an eye on Scott while Stiles went downstairs. I was going through some of the comics that were in his room. "He never wanted a daughter." I rapidly looked at my half-brother. "He never wanted a daughter, you know. I asked for a little sister and he told me that daughters were way too much trouble." He smirked. His eyes were darker, and for some reason, I knew that wasn't Scott. Something was going on, and I needed to know what.

"It's okay." I got up from his bed, leaving the comic in its place.

"You don't care?" He smirked devilishly. "I'm sure you care about your dad not loving you. Not wanting you."

"I don't care." I sought to look strong. "He didn't want a daughter, and I didn't want a father. But sadly, we can't decide that and we share the same fucking blood." I got a little closer to him, my eyes burning his. "But I have news for you too, motherfucker." He grinned, licking his lower lip. "If he left, he didn't want you neither," I smirked.

The grin that was previously on his face disappeared. He tried to set himself free from the cuffs, I could feel the anger. I could feel that he wanted to grab me due to what I had said.

"I brought you some water." Stiles returned to the room with a dog bowl that had the name 'Scott' written on it.

He left the bowl on the floor, but Scott threw it at him when we were going to leave the room. "I'm gonna kill you!"

"Go wait outside, please," Stiles begged with his eyes.

"He is being an asshole," I answered, and he nodded. I remembered what the sheriff had told me about boys needing their own space too. I went out of the room and waited outside. I didn't want to go too far in case something would happen.

"You kissed her, Scott, okay? You kissed Lydia. That's, like, the one girl that I ev- and, you know, the past three hours, I've been thinking, it's probably just the full moon, you know, he doesn't even know what he's doing, and tomorrow, he'll be totally back to normal. He probably won't even remember what a complete dumbass he's been. A son of a bitch, a freaking unbelievable piece of crap friend."

"She kissed me," Scott replied in a calming manner.

"What?" I could hear his voice crack, and I bit my lower lip.

I walked closer to the door, deciding to go inside the room. "Stiles, just...just come out. Don't listen to him."

"I didn't kiss her. She kissed me." Now, it was Stiles who bolted around, leaving the room after hearing those words. But I stayed. "She would have done a lot more, too. You should have seen the way she had her hands all over me." He raised his voice, knowing that Stiles was just outside the room.

I was getting mad. I didn't understand why he was being such a shitty friend towards the other boy. "Shut the fuck up." I clenched my jaw.

"She would have done anything I wanted. Anythi-" I didn't let him finish when my closed fist came in contact with his mouth. Scott looked at me angrily, he tried to grab me, but Stiles had come back to the room, grabbing me so Scott wouldn't touch me.

"D-did you punch him?" He asked while studying my red fist. His fingers caressed my red knuckles.

"He deserved it," I muttered. "I couldn't fix his uneven jaw tho," I smirked while looking back at Scott. He mumbled something about me being a bitch.

Stiles beamed, still stroking my knuckles. "Thank you."

Not even a couple of minutes later, Scott had started to scream and my eyes searched Stiles's ones, craving an answer. We opened the door to see Scott on the floor, being pushed down by Derek. Both of them had hair around their faces, and their eyes had changed. Claws, they had claws. My mind went back to the video store, that same day Stiles had asked me if I was sure what I had seen was a bear. He asked me if there was any possibility of it being a wolf.

"Wh-What the heck?" I started walking backward. Scott and Derek glanced at me.

"You haven't told her yet?" Hale asked as he continued to hold down Scott. "Have you ever heard about werewolves, sweetheart?"

"First of all," I swallowed. "You are hot but don't call me sweetheart. Second of all, yes, I have heard of them. Only in books and shit like that. What is going on? Is this a joke or some type of roleplay or-."

Stiles grasped my hand. "They are werewolves." He sighed. "I know, it's crazy to understand." I didn't understand at first either and I made fun of your bro-, of Scott. But it is true." Stiles glanced at the window where the light of the moon was caressing Scott's skin. A full moon.

My mind was going crazy. I normally wouldn't believe something like this, but what about the video store? What happened last night at school? And, how did Jackson talk in my mind by the end of the day?

"Sit down. They are going to explain how everything happened. How Scott became a werewolf." Derek ordered. I sat down on Scott's bed, my legs shaking, Stiles noticed because he hadn't let go of my hand while he sat down next to me. Derek Hale walked closer to me, his eyes looking deep into mine. "And I'm going to explain something to you," Derek started. "I'm gonna explain that I don't know what you are. But you aren't human anymore."

My heart started beating loudly, and it seemed like Scott had come back to himself. "What?" He looked between Derek and me.

"She smells like a human," Derek stated, his eyes never leaving mine. "But there's another smell coming from her. Something I have never smelt before."

TAGLIST: @og-baby-ob14 - @savemypostcards - @cas-loves-pizza - @used-avocado - @mvrylee - @bilesxbilinskixlahey - @honeydoll-stark - @arieltheworldisamess - @softpeteparker - @kit-kat-katie99 - @thatsuperherosidekick - @bexbetterxthanxwords - @big-galaxy-chaos - @littlemiss-forgotten - @enchantedcruelsummer - @coldfreakeggsexpert - @merla123 - @sammypotato67 - @weirdowithnobeardo - @maggiesblogsblog - @itskindyl - @bobo-bush - @moongoddesskiana - @multifandxm353 - @irwxnhugsx - @xoprincessmel - @iclosetgeek - @andreagf956 - @niawoods -

People in black means it doesn’t let me tag them.

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amanda-glassen · 3 years

Text

Her Everything

Part of @svuappreciation #WSVU Week. Day 7: Heartbreak. Twelve-year-old Olivia overhears why her mom never told her who her dad is. TW: rape mention.

From March to June, twelve-year-old Olivia’s Saturday mornings would be dedicated to softball. Her team may not have won that morning, but the loss didn’t matter to Olivia. She had hit a homerun and three of her favorite people were there to watch her: her mom, her uncle, and her girlfriend, Alex. It made Olivia particularly proud to see her two favorite women dressed in her team colors. Alex was wearing a mint green v-neck t-shirt with her long hair back in a ponytail with a mint green scrunchie. Her mom wore the t-shirt that all the moms wore but, never being the kind to wear an oversized t-shirt, she had cut it into a tank top to wear with her leggings. Neither her mom nor Alex knew anything about softball, but her uncle Kyle was there to explain everything to them and, even if Alex didn’t understand the game, Olivia didn’t mind as long as her cute good luck charm was there to watch her play.

She and Alex had been a couple for two months and, at twelve, two months felt like a serious commitment, especially because Alex was now allowed to come over on weekends. There wasn’t even the slightest chance that she’d be allowed in Olivia’s room with the door closed, but Olivia didn’t care where they were as long as she was allowed to hold Alex’s hand.

They decided to watch a movie on the couch after the game while Olivia’s mom and uncle were having a glass of wine in the kitchen. Olivia always enjoyed when her uncle visited and she’d overhear the casual back and forth between them－the kind that happened between siblings－the casual teasing, sharing stories, making each other laugh. It was what Olivia sometimes longed to have even if she knew it were impossible.

“I wish I had a brother,” she told Alex.

Alex pressed pause on the remote so she could focus on Olivia without any distractions. “No, you don’t,” she told her, her eyes wide. “Little brothers are annoying. I’ll give you mine for the weekend and you’ll be so glad you’re an only child.”

“Not even,” Olivia insisted. “Your little brother Logan is fun. Remember when me and him built a LEGO T-Rex and your parents took us to the batting cages and I taught him how to hit a curveball?”

Alex batted her eyelashes at her. “That’s because you like boy things.”

“I like you,” Olivia said as she started to tickle her. “And you are definitely not a boy thing.”

“Olivia!” Alex squealed loudly when Olivia continued to tickle her.

“Girls?” they heard Serena call out from the kitchen. “What are you doing in there?”

“Nothing,” Alex and Olivia responded in unison, although they knew their time alone was now over. She quickly pressed play on the remote and sat a comfortable distance away from Alex.

Her uncle Kyle was the first to enter the living room followed by her mom, both with a full wine glass in hand. “Your mom says we have to come cramp your style, as if she didn’t have her first girlfriend when she was twelve or thirteen,” her uncle said to her. He sat down on an accent chair on one side of the couch while her mom sat down on the other. “What are we watching?”

“The Blair Witch Project,” Alex responded. “I’ve always wanted to see it, but my mom has my Netflix profile set to a Kids’ profile. I never get to watch anything fun. I’m twelve now. I should be able to watch whatever I want.”

“Maybe not whatever you want,” Serena told her. “But I’m sure she’ll let you watch more things little by little. Middle school sleepovers are when most girls start watching horror movies.”

“I remember the first time Serena watched this movie with her friends,” Kyle began. “She had a sleepover for her 13th birthday and there were probably ten girls over. My sister thought she was so cool because she was the only one who wasn’t scared. What she didn’t tell them was that she had watched this movie the night before to prepare herself so she wouldn’t be scared in front of her friends. There’s this scene toward the end where there’s a lot of screaming and that’s when I decided to mess with the circuit breaker and turn all the lights off in the house. Serena ran to our parents’ room, screaming ‘Daddy!’ at the top of her lungs. Just like that, her seventh grade reputation was ruined.”

Olivia was laughing hysterically, but Alex wasn’t so amused. “That sounds like something my little brother would do. Why are boys such jerks?”

Serena gently swirled her wine in the glass before taking a sip. “Boys are jerks until you humble them.”

“Had I known what my sister was capable of, I wouldn’t have spent the first 18 years of my life messing with her and it’d be in your brother’s best interest for him not to mess with you either,” Kyle responded. “Serena and I are best friends now, but when we were kids, I messed with her all the time and she never did anything about it. Little did I know she wasn’t one for petty revenge. My sister is calculated and cunning and she got me back in the best way.”

“How?” Alex asked, wide-eyed. “Is it something I can do, too?”

“Maybe in a few years,” Serena responded. “It was the first time frat boys proved themselves useful. Out of every college in America, he decided to go to the same school I did and join my sorority’s brother fraternity.”

“Had I known my sister had actual henchmen, I wouldn’t have,” Kyle chuckled. “This was 2007, so you know those douchey looking frat boys in teen movies back then with the gelled hair and Abercrombie shirts with the popped collars? That’s exactly what they looked like. They had these rich boy names like Kemper, Bennett, and Bradford, and my sister had all of them wrapped around her finger. They made my life a living hell when I started pledging just because she told them to and when I begged her to call this whole thing off, she said, in the most innocent tone of voice, ‘My darling baby brother, this is only the beginning. You still have eight weeks left.’ After that, I never messed with Serena again. To this day, I won’t even eat the last slice of pizza until I make sure Serena doesn’t want it. There was this other guy, Emerson, who was her best friend at the time－”

“I have to call my girlfriend,” Serena interrupted. “Excuse me.” She quickly got up to leave and Kyle hurried after her.

“Ren, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Ren?”

Although she wanted to check on her mom, she knew whatever her mom was upset about was probably something she had no business asking about, so she decided to stay with Alex. “Everything is okay,” Alex said as she rested her head on Olivia’s shoulder. “My brother and I fight all the time and everything is okay after our parents make us talk about it.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Olivia pressed play on the remote and the two of them watched the movie until the pizza arrived. With free reign to order whatever she wanted, Olivia got two large pizzas, wings, cheesy bread, and pasta. It took both her and Alex to carry it to the table, but Olivia made sure to carry the pizzas because they were the heaviest items and Olivia thought it would show Alex how strong she was.

“I’ll be right back,” she told Alex once everything was neatly placed on the kitchen table. “Mom! Uncle Kyle! The pizza is here!”

She pressed her ear to the door and kept as quiet as she could so she could hear them talking.

“How could you even bring him up in front of Olivia?” she heard her mom ask. “Or bring him up in front of me, for that matter? You’ll never understand what he did to me...what he still does to me every time I see him on social media with his wife and kids. He ruined my life when he raped me and it didn’t phase him. I don’t follow him. I don’t search for his name. I blocked him, but there’s no getting away from him in our social circle when everyone knows everyone. I have these constant reminders of the worst night of my life. Even Olivia…I just thought...how could I love someone that was conceived by a monster?”

She never even wanted me. She still doesn’t want me. The person I love most in the world doesn’t even love me back. She’s just been saying it all these years because she’s had to. Olivia swallowed hard to prevent herself from crying. With Alex waiting for her in the kitchen, she wanted to remain calm and collected. She didn’t cry when she saw her. Instead, she hugged Alex longer than she ever had before and found comfort in her arms since she knew she couldn’t hug her mommy anymore.

Just as she had been taught to do by her own mother, Serena touched up her makeup and pretended as if nothing had happened. It was all a misunderstanding her mother had told her when she was twenty-one. ‘What did you expect, Serena? You were in his room and you kissed him.’ It was the same thing his mother and father had told her, too. ‘How was my son supposed to know when you were giving him every signal that you wanted him to.’ Her father had told her not to report it; they’d settle this between the two families. Mr. Benson was a producer and with a premier coming up, he didn’t want an investigation getting in the way and ruining his career. Social media was in its infancy in 2008, but Emerson and his parents had found a way to use it against her.

That night, once Alex and Kyle went home and Olivia was fast asleep, she started to reflect on what had gotten her to that point in her life. It happened at a beach-themed party that Emerson’s frat was hosting. She was in a bikini top and denim shorts as were the rest of the girls and she had taken a few shots as had everyone else at the party, but the pictures posted on Facebook the next day portrayed a girl that had gotten completely wasted and was hanging on the entire executive board of the fraternity. For the past two years they had been her friends and she had several pictures with them, but because of what she was wearing and because these were some of the first to be posted on social media, an entirely different narrative was created, one that even her own parents believed.

Serena knew the statistics on rape that were told to her and every other student during freshman orientation, but she had lived a sheltered life before college and she had always imagined that rapists were scary-looking men that attacked girls in the middle of the night when they walked alone on quiet streets. She never could have fathomed that her rapist would be her best friend.

With three weeks left of her junior year, Serena was already looking forward to her final year of college. She had run for president of her sorority and found out she won just hours before the party began. Serena wasn’t a binge drinker by any means, but she drank more than usual that night to celebrate her victory. She went up to Emerson’s room just as she did every time she visited the frat house, but unlike every other night, she kissed him. Kissing led to something a little further that she consented to, but when she said she didn’t want to have sex and wanted to take things slow if they were going to go from best friends to something more, he took that choice away from her. The alcohol she had consumed earlier had left her in an in between stage where she was lucid enough to know what was going on but too drunk to fight him off of her. To make matters worse for her, he held her afterward and suggested she stay the night because, as he said, ‘you never know what kind of maniacs are out there in the middle of the night.’

...but she didn’t stay. She figured whoever was out there probably wasn’t as bad as who was in that frat house. Not knowing what else to do when she got home, she immediately got in the shower to wash off his scent and anything else of his that was left on her. She saw the bruises on her body from when he held her down and, for the first time, it felt real for her. It wasn’t a bad dream or some drunken hallucination. Her rapist wasn’t the boogeyman hiding in the shadows; he was one of the people she loved most in the world.

Kyle had beat him within an inch of his life once he found out what had happened and it was another thing that both families swept under the rug to protect their image. It’ll all go away during summer break, Serena told herself. I’m going to come back here and I’m going to be president of Phi Delt and be who I used to be－who I still am; however, a positive pregnancy test that summer made her come to the realization that her life would never be the same. Her parents and her friends all told her to ‘get rid of that thing’ and she had every intention of getting an abortion until she felt her baby kick. She knew her life would never be the same and she also knew it probably wasn’t the right approach to take, but Serena wanted to right the wrongs of her own mother and she felt as if this baby would give her that opportunity.

“Mommy,” she heard her now twelve-year-old daughter sobbing in the doorway of her bedroom that night, bringing her out of her thought process.

Serena lifted up her comforter and patted the bed with her hand so her daughter could join her. “Come here, Ollie.”

Once she lied down, she felt Olivia cling to her tighter than ever before. “Mom, I heard something you told Uncle Kyle and I wanna know if it’s true or maybe you’re gonna lie to me again. I don’t know. If you want, I can leave. We can call social services tomorrow and－”

“Ollie,” Serena interrupted, completely taken aback. “Ollie, what are you talking about? I never want you to leave me.” One of Serena’s worst nightmares had just come true. She was going to have to tell her and she had no idea how.

“I know you were raped,” Olivia blurted out. “I know you never wanted me and my dad was some monster who hurt you. Do I remind you of him? Why did you even keep me? No mom would want a daughter like me. I learned that in some places abortion is only legal if the pregnancy is because of rape. It’s okay everywhere to abort babies like me. I’m one of those kids that’s...less than. I’m the kind that it’s okay to get rid of.”

Serena wiped her daughter’s tears away and held her close. She still had the slightest hint of the cologne that she wore whenever she wanted to impress Alex, but the LEGO movie PJ shirt and PJ pants she was wearing made Serena feel like she was still her little girl despite how much she was growing up. “Ollie…” she hesitated to give herself more time to think. “Every woman has the right to choose what she does with her own body and I would never judge another woman for the choices she’s made regarding abortion just as I’d like to think no other woman would judge me. With that being said, I had every option in the world available to me and out of all those options, I knew the best choice for me was to keep you and I’ve never regretted that.”

“Do you promise?”

“Hold up your pinky,” Serena told her. Olivia held up her pinky next to Serena’s. They were both wearing heart-shaped pinky rings that Serena had bought a year earlier. “Remember what I said when I got us these matching rings that time we went on our mother/daughter adventure? I pinky promise to always love you and always be there for you. No matter what happens in life or how far away you may go for college or for your career, I’ll always be in your heart and you’ll always be in mine. I know things weren’t easy for us at first and I couldn’t be there for you as much as I wanted to when you were little and I might have made a few mistakes, but there was not a single moment in your entire life that I didn’t love you.”

“I don’t remind you of him when you look at me?”

“No, Ollie, nothing about you reminds me of him. Yes, that had crossed my mind when I was pregnant, but that never happened once you were born,” Serena promised her. “You don’t even look anything like him. You look like your uncle Kyle but never tell him that because you’re beautiful and I don’t want him thinking he’s attractive and getting all arrogant about it.”

“Mom,” Olivia laughed.

Olivia’s laughter was and always would be Serena’s favorite sound. Her daughter had been conceived in a violent act, but everything about her was so innocent. The twelve years since she had given birth to her had been the best years of her life. Twelve years of cuddles, laughter, and being able to love someone so unconditionally. She’d do anything for Olivia and she had already done more than her daughter would ever know. There were custody battles between her and Emerson when Olivia was a baby and he was still trying to fight Serena for the chance to be a part of Olivia’s life. It all happened out of court now that he had a wife and kids, but she and Kyle and the rest of the Benson family were going to do all they could to keep him away from Olivia.

“Ollie, I want you to listen to me, okay?”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded.

“You are, have been, and forever will be the best thing that has ever happened to me. He was there when you were conceived but he didn’t create you. It was my body that created you for nine months, not his. You are nothing like him, Ollie. You are the sweetest girl and being your mom has been the greatest experience and greatest honor of my entire life.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, Olliegator?”

“I don’t think you made any mistakes. I think you’re the best mom in the world. My friends think so, too. Everyone says you’re the cool mom.” Olivia gave her a kiss on the cheek. “And, Mom?”

“Yes, Ollie Koalie?” Serena playfully tapped her daughter’s nose.

“Why do you sleep in Jamie’s shirt instead of the pretty pajamas you used to wear?”

It was yet another question that Serena wasn’t prepared for. “Jamie is my girlfriend now and she and I love each other very much and sometimes, when we aren’t together, I really miss her. If I sleep in her shirt, it’s like she’s here with me.”

“I miss Alex sometimes, too,” Olivia responded. “Do you think she’d like it if I gave her a shirt to wear when she misses me?”

“I think she’d like that very much,” Serena told her even if she wasn’t ready for her little girl to be that serious about her girlfriend. “I have an idea. What about if you and I have a sleepover night?”

“Sleepover night!” Olivia said excitedly. “I’ll make the popcorn and pick a movie for us to watch. Can we watch another scary movie?”

“Anything you want,” Serena smiled at her.

Sleepover night was Olivia’s favorite mother/daughter tradition and, even if she was tired, Serena was willing to do whatever she could to make her daughter feel loved.

When her college-aged self imagined life in her thirties, she imagined she’d be a famous writer living in London or Paris and she’d spend all of her free time travelling the world and treating life like some grand adventure. Motherhood had never even crossed her mind because she felt it would only slow her down. Serena Benson was now just a couple of weeks shy of her 34th birthday and, although her life had turned out nothing like she had planned, the twelve-year-old girl eating handfuls of popcorn on the couch next to her－her daughter, her everything－was the reason why it had turned out better than she could ever imagine.

#WSVU Week #cabenson #alex cabot #olivia benson #law and order svu

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