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brujahinaskirt · 9 months

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You know, when it really comes down to it, the main thing that tears me to pieces about Arthur & John is encapsulated so nicely in the trope of the Lonesome Cowboy.

RDR2's storytelling is particularly masterful as it shows us that everyone is the mythic Lonesome Cowboy... but at the same time, I believe it manages to quietly suggest there is one true Lonesome Cowboy of the series.

And it ain't Arthur Morgan.

DEEPLY overwritten explanation below!

On the surface, Arthur is clearly set up by RDR2 to be our Lonesome Cowboy. He even sings the song. But is he really? Really, truly? Or is Arthur's brand of lonesomeness a clever model to help us, through comparison and contrast, begin to notice and understand another, deeper type of loneliness?

Arthur thinks he's unlovable and alone because he lacks one specific type of love, romantic domesticity, which he has dreamed throughout his life and consistently been denied. But though his pain is genuine, the idea that Arthur is alone and unloved is almost laughable. R* shows us every single game day that Arthur is surrounded by people who love him, live with him, and depend upon him.

But that's the great irony of the RDR Lonesome Cowboy, right? Arthur feels lonely and believes he is alone because he is a "bad man" and nonbeliever whom "no one will have" (not even God, and he remains true to his atheism through the bitter end [and thank god for that honestly because the last thing I needed was a Come to Jesus cowboy game...]).

But the inverse is true, and his depression is lying to him; Arthur is almost never alone and pretty much everyone in his family unit actively enjoys his company and wants him around. And yes, many of these people are damaged and have trouble communicating that (though fewer than you'd think). And no, it isn't the same as getting married to one person and raising a family with them for the rest of your life. But lonesome? As in, emotionally and/or physically alone?

Nah! Come on, man! Not even close.

Arthur is more than just loved and needed: he's actually understood by those he chooses to let in, because Arthur is definitely capable of telling his closest confidants how he feels and what is lurking in his heart. We see him do this many times. Sometimes with surprising ease and honesty.

When Arthur is physically alone in RDR2, he's wandering at the player's command, and if he wanders for too long, he's eventually retrieved & lambasted by the people at camp who quite openly/forcefully tell him they missed him and worried about him. Even Low Honor Arthur is a popular man at camp, in his own way, the support beam of his strange family (though LH Arthur is more likely to selectively deny that support, or to provide that support with the caveat of verbal cruelty).

A messy run-down of some obvious examples to illustrate my point:

Despite Dutch's deterioration and manipulations, Dutch and Hosea openly dote on him and relish telling embarrassing family stories about their Big Man Old Guard son to each other. Hosea especially frets about and tries to care for Arthur, mostly physically but sometimes emotionally as well. Susan can be abrasive at best, but she also clearly favors Arthur, thinks often about his well-being, and is one of the primary worriers when he's away from camp for too long.

Abigail and Jack completely rely on Arthur for a significant period of their lives, and though Abigail struggles greatly with showing affection & vulnerability, I would argue her primary and most extraordinary mode of care and affection for Arthur is allowing him to help her raise her son. Sure, she needs the help... but Arthur needs the nuclear family experience of being heavily relied on, too, and Abigail makes it clear she understands that about him better than anybody else. (I'd go on to argue that being relied on in a family way is essential for Arthur's self-esteem and is how he can continue to function despite the massive clash between his true nature and his violent lifestyle, for which he constantly berates himself. But that's neither here nor there...)

The Girls (Tilly, Mary-Beth, Karen) actively worry about his mental health and invite him to share his burdens with them, comfort him (each in their own unique way), play games, dance, etc. They do this for Arthur we don't see them do for anyone else in camp (apart from each other, which leads me to believe Arthur is sort of an honorary member of The Girls, though I won't get too much into that here).

Sadie: "Aside from my [BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOUL MATE] Jake, you're the best man I've known."

Though Arthur seems more likely to trust & befriend women/non-masc men, he has masc men friends & confidants too, and most of the men at camp seem to rank Arthur as somehow more reliable than other members. Charles very obviously loves Arthur & vice versa to the point where I tried to pick one demonstrative example and couldn't figure out where to begin. Uncle is a pain in Arthur's ass, but when shit hits the fan, he knows (and tells him) that Arthur is the best man of them all. Lenny, while young, enjoys Arthur's company (though I would argue Arthur feels more strongly about Lenny than the inverse due to Arthur's tendency to protectively fuss over young people). Hell, Sean constantly tells Arthur, word for word, "I love ya, Arthur Morgan!!! I really do!!! I love ya!!!!" He's being goofy, but he's not joking! He said that!

And that's just a surface-level sampling of gang members. These threads run much, much deeper and we could spend essays analyzing each one, but my god this has gone on too long already.

One could argue that Arthur's story aloneness is at the moment of his death, but I can't quite agree. With Save John + High Honor Arthur path especially, I would argue Arthur has never been less emotionally (even spiritually) alone than when he chose to change the very nature of his death from a random consequence of his hard life to an act of love that gives his surviving core family (John, Abigail, Jack) a chance at happiness. In less peaceful endgame scenarios, Arthur might not actually die alone, or even have time to linger on his approaching departure from the world.

So I posit that Arthur is not, was never the Lonesome Cowboy. Arthur is loved as much as he loves others.

I posit that the true Lonesome Cowboy of RDR is John.

John Marston, who on the surface has everything Arthur ever wanted... but who, due to the nature of his heart and what he's seen, cannot bring himself to fully open up in a way that enables him to be truly understood and embraced by anyone, not even the person he comes to love most in the world (Abigail). There's a reason the epilogue feels so shocking and lonely, and while I do think Rockstar could have done a better job on the transitional cinematics from playing as Arthur to playing as John, that crushing loneliness and sense of discomfort and incompleteness is vital.

It feels awful. It feels like we just lost a limb and were thrown back into everyday life with no fanfare, no true honorable sendoff, no closure, no greater understanding of the world, no peace or contentment. And it feels that way because that discordant, jarring dis-allowance of grief is the ONLY mechanism that helps us feel how John must feel now. Because unlike Arthur, John cannot express or unfold or understand his own pain and loneliness. Not to us, the player, and not even to himself. He never grieves.

Of course, when Sadie and Micah drift back into his life, John snaps. He's never grieved! He's been emotionally alone through all of that, even when he has his family and friends, because he can't open up and let them in! He risks destroying his family in a way that would have undoubtedly caused Arthur extreme horror and anger because John's family is not and has never been a cure for John's loneliness, even though John truly loves them more than anything at the end.

John can't express it, so it's these lyrics themselves that serve as the fount of his grief: I ain't got no brother. No wonder Abigail has her own quiet epilogue rendition of this song (and she, too, is a profoundly Lonesome Cowboy in her way, just like Karen, Hosea, Javier, Jack, etc....). Once Arthur is gone from the world, so too is the only person who knew this deeply damaged kid well enough from his wild childhood to really even hope to see into John's heart.

tl;dr: Arthur thinks he's the legendary Lonesome Cowboy, but he's not. He's just lonely, not alone. In reality, the character who is fundamentally alone, truly lonesome, has always been John.

#rdr2 #red dead redemption #john marston #arthur morgan #redmeta #long long long long post

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anemic-kazutora · 4 months

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No one mourns the Wicked

If you like Kisaki, I automatically like you, just so you know.

I wanted to make a point about how, to me, it is obvious that his thinking isn't actually healthy, that there is something we are forced to overlook because of the narrative that makes Kisaki's reasoning about Hina make sense in his own head. By this I mean that there is no way someone as smart as Kisaki would pursue the plan he concocted if not for the need to desperately fight against something, which, I argue, would be loneliness, and the feeling of worthlessness that comes when you realize that your efforts mean nothing if there is nobody to acknowledge them.

Kisaki liked Hina, she was his childhood crush, but also so much more than that, because she was the first kid to ever treat him nicely and not like he was some subhuman weirdo because of his aptitude in school. She was the only one who showed the willingness to accept and welcome an outcast like him, not in spite of his perceived weirdness, but because of it- and this is where I argue that Kisaki is most likely neurodivergent, whether one agrees or not. She's a lovely person, she is everything that is good (I love her very much).

It feels to me like Kisaki is a number of things: - a "gifted child"/"genius", the type that adults love and kids despise, the type that has no friends because of it, the type that decides their own worth based on their successes or failures because their talent is all they are and ever will be to anybody who meets them; - plagued by the need to fit in, be accepted and recognized without actually changing himself in ways that betray his core values/what he thinks makes Kisaki Tetta Kisaki Tetta (which is something that is, I think, shaky and hazy to himself also. He's his brain and his smarts, but what else...?); - convinced that he's inherently unlovable and worthless unless he has tangible proof of his own successes (which is why he confesses to Hina only after realizing his 10 year plan) while also thinking, constantly, somewhere in his brain, that he's above everyone, that he just needs to show them just what he can do, that he's so much more than any normal person could hope to be; - unable to see others' affection as anything but transactional (something he can earn like a medal, something he has to trade for); - unknowingly (to a degree) desperate for genuine human connection (which he finds in Hanma despite not realizing it, because he's 13-14, they are both too young and neither really realizes that death can happen to them, too, and that they probably never could make it clear that they genuinely did care for one another); - deeply lonely and envious of everyone who isn't and is naturally a people magnet (Takemichi, Mikey, for instance).

To me, he was simply a boy who wanted to prove that he could do something great just by himself and on his own terms, that he was enough as a person for others to look up to and acknowledge, that he was worthy of the same love Takemichi could effortlessly get, just by being his naively heroic self. But he got caught up in the idea that Kisaki Tetta was what everyone else told him he was: a weirdo one should stay away from. He made that his strength, he became exactly what they said he was, because his admiration for Takemichi turned sour when it became clear that his charisma meant there would be nothing left for him. He mentions that a gang leader needs to have the looks to be successful in the part. He has resigned himself to the spot of those who lack every quality he values (outside of his own smarts), but he never stopped hoping that he could stand where the others, the "good" ones, like Takemichi himself, stood. He wanted to be like him, and be liked like him. But he couldn't, because he wasn't Hanagaki Takemichi, he was only Kisaki Tetta.

The end of the manga proves that simply having a friend who understood him from the start would have allowed him to become the fulfilled person he was always meant to be, that he was never inherently evil. He was just suffering through what Takemichi describes as the most painful thing. He was alone.

He was alone and he died alone. At 14, on a February night, on the asphalt, alone, under the horrified gaze of someone who had just had the thought that he would have deserved to die, someone whom he looked up to, despite everything, who had just told him that now everyone knew what he was up to and that nobody would ever listen to him again. He died alone and the only friend he had was too far away, and came too late. He died alone and the only one who could truly miss Kisaki Tetta was Hanma himself, while Takemichi belatedly realized that it shouldn't have ended that way and that it still wasn't right, that Kisaki was just like him: weak and only powering through by sheer force of will. He died alone, and he was the only one who died thinking and saying that he didn't want to.

He never got to be graced with forgiveness like Kazutora and Izana. Nobody even tried to understand him, save for Hanma and Takemichi.

No one mourns the Wicked. Yes, goodness knows The Wicked's lives are lonely Goodness knows The Wicked cry alone Nothing grows for the wicked They reap only what they've sown.

#this is my brain fart of the day if it's a mess i'm sorry i am stupid and also was crying as i wrote this #ulriscreams #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev #kisaki #kisaki tetta #hanma shuji #hankisa #tagging it as that but i want to talk about that in some sort of detail next #i do believe kisaki's redemption lies within hanma somehow. but they met too late.

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emerald-mouse · 7 months

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Au where Laudna gets resurrected late and taken in by Vex and Percy, where she is as old as his daughter but the same age as him, where she is an odd mix of sister and daughter, a mirror to vex but the same hair as Cassandra. She is so obviously related but no one knows precisely how, strangers are to afraid to ask is she a cousin, a daughter, a niece, another miraculous surviving de rolo sibling, a distant relative only recently found, nobody knows for sure all anyone is that she is definitely a de Rolo of some kind.

Where Laudna is intricately connected and dearly loved part of their family but also very isolated, disconnected and outcast from Whitestone. Taken care of and provided for but in a way that only makes feel like a burden and exasperated her loneliness.

Laudna leaves thinking she will be quickly forgotten but is deeply missed instead, where they want to respect her choice and agency by letting her go but that leaves her believing she is unloved as no one comes to contact or find when she is gone. Where Laudna slips away and is impossible to find without so they let her go and hope she is safe.

Where Laudna doesn’t spend 30 alone in the woods chased from everywhere she went, but is still deeply lonely and isolated when meeting Imogen. Where she sounds like music still and saves Imogen as the run together.

Where meeting Bertrand who claims to be a member of Vox Machina that she has never heard of makes her feel as though she really knew nothing of her foster family and makes her feel further disconnected from them. Where sending his body to Whitestone makes her wish she was going with him and hearing Imogen doing a perfect impression of Vex when reading her letter makes her feel something she can’t quite identify. Where in Whitestone they get news of someone going by Lorelei de Rolo at party matching her description and are deeply relieved she’s alive and well, where she truly is de rolo but doesn’t realize it.

Only for her to finally return home dead, the bells hells mostly not knowing her connection to them, not realizing they are bringing their dead sister-daughter home. Finding out she made another family without them, meeting Imogen.

Not being able to speak at her resurrection because they don’t she would want to come back to them. Waking up home surrounded by all members of both of her families.

#critical role #bells hells #laudna #vox machina #percy de rolo #percy #vex'ahlia #cassandra de rolo #imogen temult #bertrand bell #au #fanfic ideas #my posts

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the-darkestminds · 25 days

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"Oh, I can, and I will. If Lucien finds out you're pursuing her, he has every right to defend their bond as he sees fit. Including invoking the Blood Duel." - Rhys

Elain cut in sharply, "I am not a child to be fought over." - Elain

I’ve seen some E/riel’s use those words; I guess to be against Lucien, or show differences, or something. I really don’t know why they use it. But let’s be honest, Lucien would not invoke the Blood Duel. He does not like violence. If Elain did reject the mating bond, then he would probably be upset and a little hurt, but wouldn’t go as far as to feel possessive and invoke the duel. It doesn’t fit Lucien’s characterization to do any of that. E/riel’s are making it seem as if Lucien is this possessive person that believes he’s entitled to Elain. It’s either “he stalks Elain and needs to back off” or “he doesn’t take the effort in getting to know her”.

But it was Azriel who didn’t care if he killed Lucien or not. And if Lucien died or was injured, then Elain would feel that. Regardless of if she wants the mating bond or not, if he died then she would feel that happen, and it would affect her for the rest of her life. Elain doesn’t like violence either and she wouldn’t be happy to see two men fight over her. And really it’s Azriel who is acting entitled.

Yesss anon you get it 👏👏 there hasn’t been a single piece of evidence in any of the books to suggest Lucien would willingly participate in a blood duel to win over Elain. He does not believe he is owed her time and affections, although we do see him longing for her. And yet that’s all it is. He never pushes her. He gives her time and space. He’s clearly unhappy but doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable so he stays away. With Elriels you can’t win, they just don’t care about him as a character so they are happy to brush him aside regardless of how he acts.

I think Lucien would be crushed if she rejected the bond. He’s been rejected by his family his whole life, rejected by the autumn court citizens after Jesminda’s death, rejected by the spring court citizens after Feyre’s scheming, rejected by Tamlin in acofas. If Elain did so as well I know it would be yet another heartbreak for him. He has probably felt unwanted and unloved by everyone in his life since Jesminda. I’m getting sad just writing this lmao 😭 Also keep in mind, Elain likely doesn’t know any of these things about Lucien. When she learns it’ll be very hard for her not to care for him deeply.

I think Azriel is jealous and unhappy and lonely. He wants what his brothers have and Elain is there (he really should get out more lol). He’s got a lot of soul searching to do to figure out how to love himself. Elain will not be the one to help him figure that out ☝️

#thank u anon #u are so wise #u know what’s up #anti e/riel #anti elriel #pro elucien #elucien

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loveyourlovelysoul · 3 months

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Being randomly woken up by people making sudden strong noises or using noisy items only when I am sleeping (to rush me cause they are in a sudden hurry -for nothing, but still); shouting their anger and yelling "who cares if she wakes up" (anger issues talking, but anyway...); blaming me cause I'm sleeping in after a long week of studies, would have once broke me inside and made me cry and feel so bad, lonely, unappreciated, unworthy and unloved. And made me deeply resentful.

These days though I'm realizing I'm worthy of love, no matter what. And I am worthy of sleeping as much as I need. So I am trying to give it all to myself: I'm giving myself love, accolades, gifts and the chance to sleep or take a nap anytime I feel the need to. I am taking care of myself, body and mind, cause I can. And I have to do it the way I feel it's better for me, no matter what others do or think/say. Or taught me. I need to show myself how much I am worth of and that I can do anything for myself cause I deserve that much.

And if these people cannot respect me or understand this basic need of mine that can help me function and feel better, it's not my fault. Their behaviours are all originating from their own traumas/demons: I'm not responsible for any of those, it's not my fault. And I'm not I'm less deserving or not enough because of this type of feedback I'm getting from these people: it's all coming from their problems and honestly how can someone's problem/trauma define my worth, lovability and value?

So, even if I still have to deal with these annoying behaviours, I accept them for what they are: a reaction that is not depending on me. And I don't make it mean anything about me. I don't let it get to me. And I remind myself that even if I cannot change that reaction (it's up to those people to change themselves, we cannot change people who cannot see where they are wrong in their behaviours), I can still let it exist there in the space between me and those people and not pick it up. Cause I'm the one deciding what can faze me and what not. And that's not fazing me anymore.

#words #my story #healing #positivity #thoughts #self love #self healing #self care #healingjourney #self help #self support #self worth #self embrace #self growth #tw trauma #tw childhood trauma #relationships

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blueaetherr · 1 year

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anagapesis

pairing: trent alexander-arnold x fem!reader [she/her]

warning(s): angst?

summary: the one where the reader can’t help but fall out of love with trent

now playing: at least we tried by giveon

There once lived a time when she could say she was in love with Trent.

Heavenly, deeply, innocently in love with him. That she could find everything in him—trust, partnership and affection. He let her place her trust in him, through physical and emotional times. In this relationship did Trent make sure that partnership, voice and equity thrived. In everything they shared, from the starting point of the friendship to the relationship in the long run, did he let her experience love through physical affection and personal feelings.

Trent did everything for Y/N, for their relationship. Going beyond everything the two comfortably were, there never really was any reason for Y/N to search for any faults.

But a few years down the line, a bit spontaneous, she began to fall out of love with Trent. She felt love for him, appreciating him for all he was came with ease; she wasn't outwardly heartless. She, however, soon came to understand that feeling this or that way for Trent meant nothing when the idea of being in love with him was slowly becoming a fact of the past. So far down the line she couldn't remember what it looked like, to be in love with Trent.

And with everything being so unforeseen, the feeling of unloving your partner came quicker than one could react to it. It left Y/N stuck; she felt obliged to something that now seemed no longer genuine but also to Trent.

He glanced between himself and Y/N. In their bedroom the two were sitting on opposite sides of the bed. He wanted to reach out for her touch, but he couldn't; she made it evident she didn't want to be physically available to him. Already was he beginning to feel lonely in the relationship. He sighed, his eyes falling on his fingers fidgeting. "There's something we can do, right?"

Despite the evident lows they were facing, he wasn't about to give up on their relationship so fast. In truth, he loved it oh so much, and he felt the same for Y/N. Sure, there was a bit of mistrust and loneliness that came with wanting a dying relationship to thrive, but he wanted it back nonetheless, even if it meant going back to the beginning—when everything was okay.

Her gaze moved towards the open windows, acknowledging the cool breeze moving around the room. Perhaps more than Trent. "I don't know." Let the dying relationship die or drag the dying relationship along in hopes of a revival? She wasn't too sure about what to do, both options had their pros and cons.

But in this present moment, she felt significant love for Trent. It wasn't as firm as what she initially felt for him, but at least something remained for the meanwhile. There was hope somewhere in the scraps of it all. For the relationship, for Trent– she would try to keep the hope alive. Looking away from the windows, she offered a smile, one welcoming and gentle yet heartbreaking. "But we can try, of course."

So they tried, all ways and avenues.

Trent and Y/N returned back to their relationship memories, turning back the clock a bit. Revisiting their favourite spots and places where milestones were hit. Places where they first met, where the first date took place. Destinations where the feelings started to come into play, where the first 'i love you's were uttered, where they officially fell in love. There was a lot to go through, but they took their time; they were patient with it as they made their way through memory lane.

And it was a fun experience. To wonder through each and every memory they shared, to revise how their relationship came to be. Why they fell for one another, why they were so into each other, seeing where all these inside jokes came from. Laughter, smiles and pure solace followed Trent and Y/N through the experience, those positive emotions so vibrant and visible. It was almost a form of therapy.

Yet there was still a clear lack within it all; and both of them felt it, no matter how hard they wanted to avoid the obvious realisation. The title of the dying relationship was slowly living up to its name.

Holding hands, their fingers no longer linked together perfectly. As they walked together, they would slowly find themselves drifting away in different directions. Silence that should be peaceful now remained awkward. The smiles, the laughter– they were present and genuine and there, but it just wasn't the same as before, perhaps too far gone.

At their final destination through memory land, Trent and Y/N found themselves at the park, both occupying the swings. The sun was falling into the sky, kids were slowly moving out of the park with their parents, and the night was carefully replacing the day with its dark tint. It was crazy; everything went on about their regular routines like all was okay, like all was the same too.

But that wasn't the case. It was unfair that everything could move on about their business as if nothing was wrong– as if a couple wasn't in the acceptance state of grief.

Trent leaned his head against the swing chain. With the swings resting on the hillside of the park, he had a clear view of the sunset. He had no energy to glance at his girlfriend(?)'s way. "I don't think I have to ask but I'm guessing there's nothing we can do?" Or maybe one person wasn't so accepting of the situation, perhaps still stuck in awful denial.

It was Y/N's turn to look at her partner(?). She inhaled deeply, her face containing pure dejection. "I'm so sorry, Trent. I really am." Y/N tried to keep the hope alive, she tried to keep going. For herself, for Trent, for their relationship. Because the potential was still there. Everything was still there. It was just her—the lack was her, the lack was because of her. She couldn't love Trent as she did before.

It was an honest tragedy, but it was official. She has completely fallen out of love with Trent.

Trent nodded slowly into the night, biting down on his lip. Words couldn't register in his mind, yet alone on his tongue. He just didn't understand, he was distraught. He was patient and encouraging and respectful in the process of everything. He gave her time, space, his time and all—everything she needed for a clear mind, to fall back into the relationship or him. The task seemed so simple, and maybe it was. But Y/N couldn't find herself falling back in love with him.

"It's just—" Trent looked away from the sky and quickly wiped under his eye. She told him everything, and he couldn't seem to hold back. Even if it was by the slightest. His hands gripped the swing chains for extra security. "What did I do wrong?"

His voice remained soft and silent. Nonetheless, his tone voiced confusion, anger, and doubt. In his eyes—through his perspective—everything seemed fine, perfect if you wanted to go that far. So for his partner to place no reason behind their three empty words hit him with such intensity and disbelief. And the worst part was he just had to accept it; the relationship no longer held any substance to it.

There always was a slim possibility to walk away with nothing, to walk away without Y/N—he knew that from the very beginning, but he didn't rely on that possibility and instead remained positive throughout. Now in the position where that possibility was alive and real, Trent realised that he hadn't prepared himself for this feeling of rejection striking him directly in the heart.

There was a lot to question, but Trent didn't want to search for them. Why didn't she love him anymore? She didn't cheat, her gaze never fell on someone else. From her lack of response, there wasn't a clear answer to her lack of love and Trent didn't think he wouldn't be getting one any time soon.

Her face fell watching his demeanour fall flat beside her. Though there wasn't much she could do. He had lost trust in her; if she tried to offer physical affection he now would expect it to be insincere. The lack of physical touch between the two was caused by more than just Y/N's inability to say I love you. He was upset, and she couldn't blame him for something she had caused.

Shaking her head with a small and unsure—more unsure than small—frown, she said, "Nothing. Nothing at all."

Witnessing Trent take in her words made Y/N question whether she brought more bad than good, question whether there was more wrong than right between the two now. She had pushed Trent into a state where he was questioning his role in their relationship, questioning whether he could be considered a good partner (whatever that meant now).

He previously confided in her, trusted her with everything that made him vulnerable. And in return, left broken was his trust, his confidence in himself and his want to look for another relationship.

Not much remained of a relationship and everything beyond one. Not only because one partner left before she could end it; the other partner stayed before he could leave it.

#trent alexander arnold #trent alexander arnold imagines #trent alexander arnold imagine #trent alexander arnold fics #trent alexander arnold oneshots #trent alexander arnold x reader #trent alexander arnold fanfiction #trent alexander arnold angst #football imagines #football fanfic #football fanfics #football oneshots #football blurbs #black!reader #trent alexander arnold x black!reader

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holylulusworld · 1 year

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Withering Rose

Summary: You come back to Knockemstiff to attend your cousin’s wedding.

Pairing: Lee Bodecker x Exgirlfriend!Reader, Lloyd Hansen x fem!Reader

Warnings: angst, language, mentions of a breakup/heartbreak, threats, awful relatives (cousin/aunt), attempted cheating on Lee's side, mentions of foster care, fluff (not Lee)

A/N: I did not write canon for Lee (Timeline) in this one.

Knockemstiff. The last place you ever wanted to see again. Coming back here feels like pulling teeth without anesthetic. Seeing your cousin in her white wedding gown – even worse.

This was all you ever dreamed of around ten years ago. Before shit went down and the man you loved left you for some other girl. One with a better reputation and a daddy with pockets full of money.

Not some orphan, raised by her aunt and treated like trash. “Sweetie. Y/N,” your aunt coos, and you try to ignore it’s all just an act.

After your eighteenth birthday, you aged out of state care, which meant that foster care adoption assistance ended too. Your aunt just waited for the money to stop and gave you the boot.

Now she acts as if nothing happened. Dear aunt is a great actress and fools anyone around you. You know better.

You heard through the grapevine that you only got an invitation, so no one asks questions about your whereabouts. As if anyone would care about you. They never did. You always were an outcast.

A withering rose. Fading away in this shitty little town. No water and love keeping you alive. Lonely. Lost. Forgotten. Unwanted. Unloved.

“Isn’t my Y/C/N a beautiful bride?” your aunt chirps. “I bet, if only you’d take better care of yourself you could find a nice man one day too.”

You huff at her words. Of course, she couldn’t shut her mouth and say her hellos. No. She has to rub salt into old wounds. The ones she and your cousin caused.

“Well, being the town's mattress paid off,” you retort. “And just you know, I got a well-paid job, a nice car, and unlike you and your daughter, I don’t need a man paying shit for me. It was a mistake coming here.”

You turn on your heels and storm off, leaving your aunt stunned and speechless behind. She opens and closes her mouth, gasping like a fish out of the water as you flee from the church and don’t look back.

“I was a fool to believe they changed,” you huff while walking back toward the hotel you are staying at. Not a hotel. It’s a shady motel. The only one in this shitty town.

“Y/N?” you frown as a car slows down and someone pokes his head out of the window. “Y/N YL/N? I knew it was you.”

“What? I-“ looking at the sheriff’s car you frown. “I didn’t do anything wrong, sheriff. Why are you following me?”

“Don’t you remember me, sweet rose?” he stops the car and unbuckles the seatbelt. You watch the sheriff climb out of his car. “It’s me…Lee.”

“Lee Bodecker,” you choke his name out. “You became the sheriff, I see. I guess you got everything you ever wanted. A nice house, that sweet wife, and look at you, you’re the sheriff.”

“I heard you’re back in town,” Lee gives you that smile making your knees buckle. At least it used to affect you. Now he’s just another face you tried to forget. “How have you been, Y/N?”

“Good,” you don’t say the things you recited in your head so many times. It’s like now, that you stand face to face with Lee, your past just doesn’t matter any longer. “How have you been?”

“Life, you know but,” he looks you up and down. “Just look at you. An uptown girl now, huh? A pretty lady in an even nicer dress.”

You roll your eyes. “It was nice seeing you again,” you lie and turn to leave. “Greet your wife from me. I hope she’s doing fine too.”

“Uh—yeah. She’s good…we are good,” he scratches the back of his head. “I had hoped we could talk some more.”

Sighing deeply, you stop walking to look at Lee. “Listen, Lee, we don’t have to pretend, okay.”

“I only want to talk to you, Y/N. Back then I…we…” he stammers.

“I was a foolish girl believing all the things you said meant shit to you too. I grew up the moment you broke up with me for some other girl,” you clear your throat. “You didn’t even care I had nowhere to go after my aunt kicked me out. I don’t want to talk about things I forgot about a long time ago. So, leave me alone, Bodecker.”

“I can drive you to the motel,” Lee offers. He points at his car, smiling widely. “Come on. Let’s remember the good old times.”

“I don’t want to remember the good old times,” you snap at Lee. “You were an asshole back then, and you didn’t change one bit. Do you honestly believe I want to be seen in town with a married man? I don’t think so.”

“Do you want to walk?” he grunts. “It’s going to rain. We don’t want your dress to get wet. Don’t be like that. Let me drive you.”

“I rather walk through mud, rain, and hail. Go and leave me alone. I knew coming here was a mistake,” you wave Lee off. “You’ve got a wife and kids to take care of.”

“Y/N, I can still drive you to your motel. Married or not.”

“Why?” you cock your head. “Why do you want to drive me back to my motel? What do you think will happen?”

“Anything you want to,” he gives you a loop-sided grin, hoping for you to cave in. Just like you always did. Back then.

“I don’t want anything to happen between you and me,” walking away you realize you didn’t have to come here to know that the life you have back at home is so much better than the one you had here.

“Wait—” Lee won’t give in. He gets back in his car and slowly drives next to you. “Get into the car. This is stupid. Stop being so stubborn.”

“I love being stupid and stubborn.”

You walk a little faster to get to your motel as fast as possible. Nothing is holding you here and you want to get back home.

Lee is following you to your motel. He calls your name and tries to get you to talk to him some more. “Fuck, leave me alone.”

The moment the motel is in sight, you start to run to reach your room. A difficult task in heels but you manage to reach your room somehow.

Your hand trembles as you try to push the key into the lock.

“Whoa, cupcake,” you shriek as someone opens the door to your motel room before you can unlock the door. “I thought you are still at the wedding.”

“Lloyd?” you release a shuddery breath. “What are you doing here?”

“I tried to call,” he shrugs as you stare up at him. “I canceled the meeting and got here as fast as possible. Uh—I didn’t want to burst into the church. I planned on picking you up after the ceremony for the party and crap.”

“You’re here,” you throw yourself at your boyfriend and hide your face in his chest. He immediately wraps his arms around your body to offer comfort.

“Now that’s what I call a warm welcome, baby,” he pecks your hair. “Who’s that?”

You totally forgot about Lee and that you stand outside your room. “He wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Who is that bastard?” you whimper at Lloyd’s rough tone. He never uses it when you are around, but you heard him bark orders at people.

“Lee Bodecker, the guy I told you about,” you mumble, not wanting to speak any louder. Lloyd knows everything about your past, and he didn’t care.

“Hmm…I see,” Lloyd whispers soft words in your ear, asking you to get inside the room and close the door behind you. “Give me five minutes.”

He kisses your temple and hugs you a little tighter. “I’ll be packing my things. I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

“I’ll be right there, cupcake.”

He watches you walk inside the room, nodding as you look at him. “Please don’t get into trouble because of me.”

You close the door, sighing deeply as your boyfriend makes his way toward Lee.

The sheriff watched you and your boyfriend from inside his car. He’s fuming as Lloyd walks toward his car.

“Do we have a problem here, sheriff,” Lloyd stands next to the driver’s side, poking his head into Lee’s car. “I got the feeling you were following my girlfriend, and I don’t like this one bit.”

“I offered to escort her,” Lee grunts. “This is a sleepy little town, but you never know when someone tries to attack a sweet girl. I wanted to keep her safe.”

Lloyd hums as he straightens his back. He runs two fingers over his mustache, pretending to think about Lee’s words.

“Problem is, it’s my job to keep my girl safe. You didn’t offer protection. All you did was scare my girl. I give you five minutes to get out of my sight.”

“Do you think I’m scared of you?” the sheriff growls. “I’m the sheriff of this town.”

“Yeah? I got that,” Lloyd smirks. “The car, your uniform, and the cheap haircut gave it away.”

“I’m warning you. Threatening a sheriff is a crime,” Lee warns. “You don’t want me to get out of this car.”

Lloyd grins. “You see, I’m not a man of many words. I rather use my influence to get rid of people making my girl feel bad. You don’t want me to call a few people and make sure you’ll lose more than your lousy job.”

“I-“ Lee considers Lloyd’s warning. Is it worth it to ruin his life only to get his hands on you? “I only wanted to give her a ride.” He starts the engine, watching Lloyd retreat.

“Good choice, sunshine,” your boyfriend mumbles under his breath as Lee drives off. “We see each other again. One way or another…”

“You sure you don’t want me to break his neck,” Lloyd softly asks as you snuggle into his chest. “Cupcake?”

“I’m good, Lloyd,” you sigh against him. “I only want to forget about him, my aunt, and my past. We have a life together. Here and now.

“Here and now, Y/N,” he assures you but plans on visiting your ex one day. Maybe not today, but soon…

Tags in reblog.

#lee bodecker #lee bodecker x fem!reader #lloyd hansen #lloyd hansen x reader #lloyd hansen x y/n #angst #Withering Rose #the devil all the time #the gray man #tw: attempted cheating

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feelbokkie · 11 months

Text

Don’t Let Me Love You | Playlists

pairing: Felix x fem reader; Chan x fem reader

genre: smau, fake dating, crack, angst, fluff, non!idol au

warnings: Possible spoilers?? Or maybe just misdirection

summary: With the upcoming wedding of her cousin and her ex, Y/n is in desperate need of a date for the wedding that will show the happy couple that she moved on.

masterlist

The firsts two songs in Chan's playlists aren't going to show up because I had to download them from my iTunes BUT I will link them right here if you want to listen to them

무단횡단 (Jaywalking) by Sung Joon

Wake Up by Sung Joon

*There are some repeated songs between the playlists. Interpret that how you will*

DLMLU Series Playlist (Spotify Link)

DLMLU by Stray Kids

Can't Stop by Stray Kids (Seungmin, I.N)

Heartbreak by Christian Leave

Careful What You Wish For by Bad Omens

Quite Miss Home by James Arthur

Hug All Ur Friends by Cavetown

I Hate Myself for Loving You by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

Not Falling Apart by Maroon 5

Sorry, I Love You by Stray Kids

Silent Cry by Stray Kids

The Kids Aren't Alright by Fall Out Boy

Look After You by The Fray

Catching Feelings by Justin Bieber

Lover of Mine by 5 Seconds of Summer

Can't Take My Eyes off You by Frankie Valli

Temporary Bliss by The Cab

Why Won't You Love Me by 5 Seconds of Summer

Lonely Hearts by 5 Seconds of Summer

Lie to Me by 5 Seconds of Summer

This is Gospel by Panic! At the Disco

Cuz I Love You by Lizzo

Paper Houses by Niall Horan

If I Could Fly by One Direction

Monet Issues by Chase Petra

Not in the Same Way by 5 Seconds of Summer

July by Noah Cyrus

A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be by Jess Benko

To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles

Truly Madly Deeply by One Direction

Y/n's Playlist (Spotify Link)

Can't Take My Eyes off You by Frankie Valli

Everybody Hurts by Avril Lavigne

To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra

Superficial Love by Ruth B.

Why Won't You Love Me by 5 Seconds of Summer

Pleaser by Wallows

Stay by Post Malone

The Harold Song by Kesha

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

i love you by Billie Eilish

Unloveable by The Smiths

All I Want by Kodaline

Therapy by All Time Low

Please Never Fall in Love Again by Ollie MN

Leave Your Lover by Sam Smith

You Belong With Me (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift

Falling Out of Love With You by Rome Hero Foxes

Hard to Love by ONE OK ROCK

Still into You by Paramore

Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood

Please Don't Leave Me by P!nk

In Luv With U by Finn

Hopelessly Devoted To You by Olivia Newton-John

Schizophrenic Playboy by The Crabnerries

Die In Your Arms by Justin Bieber

I Loved You by DAY6

Cough Syrup (Glee Cast Version) by Glee Cast

Temporary Bliss by The Cab

Fuck You by CeeLo Green

Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer

Felix's Playlist (Spotify Link)

Deep end by Stray Kids (Felix)

Please by Chelsea Cutler, Jeremy Zucker

In Too Deep by Why Don't We

Sunflower by Rex Orange County

I Can't Make You Love Me by Dave Thomas Junior

Therapy by All Time Low

Mr. Loverman by Rick Montgomery

Fergalicious by Fergie, will.i.am

Sweet Creature by Harry Styles

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

Dirty Little Secret by The All-American Rejects

Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects

fOoL fOr YoU by ZAYN

All I Wanted by Paramore

I Hear a Symphony by Cody Fry

Heartbreak by Christian Leave

Complicated by Avril Lavigne

It's U by Cavetown

Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars

Yellow by Coldplay

Pushin' Me Away by Jonas Brothers

Die In Your Arms by Justin Bieber

I Need Somebody by DAY6

She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5

Can't Help Falling in Love by Christian Leave

She Is the Sunlight by Trading Yesterday

I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance

Temporary Bliss by The Cab

Can't Stop by Stray Kids (Seungmin, I.N)

Pray (I'll Be Your Man) by BTOB

Chan's Playlist (Spotify Link)

무단횡단 (Jaywalking) by Sung Joon

Wake Up by Sung Joon

i hate to admit by Stray Kids (Bang Chan)

Can't Take My Eyes off You by Frankie Valli

And I Love Her by Kurt Cobain

Bad Diary Days by Pedro The Lion

Love is Dead by Tokio Hotel

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

She Doesn't Love Me by Billy Cobb

I'm a Mess by Ed Sheeran

Breakeven by The Script

Your Song by Elton John

I Hate That You're Happy by Tiny Little Houses

I Miss You by blink-182

Can't Have You by Jonas Brothers

Love Unfinished by Christian Leave

The Truth Untold by BTS, Steve Aoki

DON'T FORGET by iKON

Don't Wanna Cry by SEVENTEEN

It's Definitely You by V, JIN

Missing You by BTOB

Ex by Stray Kids

i love you more than you will ever know by Never Shout Never

The One That Got Away - Acoustic Version by Katy Perry

I'm Lost Without You by blink-182

Lover, Please Stay by Nothing But Thieves

hell is where i dreamt of u and woke up alone by blackbear

i'm in love with u, sorry by j'san

DLMLU by Stray Kids

When I Was Your Man by BTOB

—

Buy me a coffee?

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whoiwanttoday · 2 months

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Hey guys, we're posting some Rogue today because X-Men 97 is here, a show I don't think I care much about except here I am posting Rogue because at the end of the day I deeply care about the X-Men in a way you can only really care about things that were a formative part of your existence. The show is likely to not be for me, it will sort of annoy me because I have a pretty negative reaction to nostalgia and don't watch shows for children so whichever way it goes, a kids cartoon or Gen X nostalgia bait I am expecting to not love it but it is the X-Men so it will be a thing I will be aware of and hear about and on some level care about no matter what. In the 1960's and early 1970's all the horniest comic book fans read Legion of Superheroes, which sounds crazy to anyone who is currently googling Legion of Superheroes but it was basically written as a romance comic set in a sci-fi future with teenage superheroes so it encouraged legions of adoring, horny fans who wrote the earliest versions of fan fiction. Anyway, by the late 1970's that had shifted to the X-Men. The X-Men were where the horniest fandom was and that persisted for a long time. It was still true when I was a kid and no doubt that infected me. Among the many characters I had a crush on, Rogue was one and it helped that she was hot cause they're all hot but she was also the horny character through the 80's. I mean, she was a teenager who couldn't be touched and spent all her time wishing she could be touched and it wasn't that subtle. Horny was one of her main character traits. Anyway, we are posting 90's Rogue today and the attraction there that I had and many, many a fan had is maybe not great. I will forgive myself and others though because I was 13 and shy and still discovering things. We all make mistakes but we grow and improve. The X-Men has always been metaphorically strong and it never works as a one to one comparison, which is a good part of it's strength. It's no longer a metaphor then, it's an analogy and not only does it lose it's power, it loses it's power then. The strength is the flexibility, that a writer can write a story that is representative of a specific experience (or maybe different experiences, this is the joy of art) and the next writer can write about a different one. This is the joy of art. It is why so many teenagers are drawn to the comic, because for all it's civil rights metaphors, it's also just about a group of unaccepted outsiders who hit adolescences and suddenly the world feels hostile. Everyone feels like an unaccepted outsider at some point as a teenager and everyone feels like the world hates them at some point.

Among the X-Men, in the early days, Rogue was an outsider among outsiders. She wasn't liked or accepted and I think a lot of people connected with that feeling. Even among the freaks I am unloved. But then we get to the part where she couldn't be touched. She was desperate for it and it was common enough in fan fiction that I know it was not a unique thought for many a lonely teenager to essentially have the thought, "But if I could touch her. If I was the only one then she'd have to choose me". Not great and no one phrased it that way but it's a big part of why she was one of the most fantasized about X-Men. She's desperate, I have a chance. It's wild that a fictional character we still need to come up with reasons to disappoint ourselves. Psylocke wouldn't have given us the time of day but what options does Rogue have? It's awful but we were kid. She also was brash and loud and funny and heroic. She was compelling because she was the first to rush into battle often and throw a punch, often a big mistake because Rogue fans might not like me saying this, traditionally she is not as smart as she thinks she is. I am not calling her dumb but she strikes me as the type who thinks she's a genius when she thinks of some trick that everyone on Earth has thought of before. It's also why she's great. She's someone with a really big heart and a lot of empathy for others, she has to, she's had it hard and the option there is bitter villain or kind hero. She became a hero because of her innate goodness. And 90's Rogue was great. She was best friends with a very clearly closeted Iceman and offered him support against his bigoted parents. And there is the savage land bikini. Anyway, that's all why she is here, cause I love the X-Men and I adore her. When I assemble my brains version of the best X-Men teams, she's on 3 of my favorite teams. That's pretty good. Today I want to fuck Rogue.

#Rogue #brunette #Superhero #fictional #whoiwanttofucktoday

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pacific-rimbaud · 10 months

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Thank you SO MUCH for your panville works. I find it therapeutic to read the caring and deeply loving dynamic you embed in them. Also love how you deal with Pansy's background and trauma. While she is by no means unprivileged, I think her wounds resonate deeply with anyone for whom parental love was unstable in childhood. Your writing inspires me so much. I hope you know the positive impact you have on fellow internet strangers. Fr I've reread a dress with pockets more times I care to admit and RoT is on its 3rd re read because it helps me deal with shitty days.

I have two questions regarding your own visualization of the characters in RoT that may fall out of the scope of the actual story (I imagine you might not delve into these too much even if you do have an idea of them in your head)

1. Do you imagine Pansy's mother's own trauma too, when you write? Like what are the wounds that made her such a cold/unloving parent to Pansy?

Ive been thinking of it as being classic objectification of pureblood women for future marriage. Like Pansy's mother never wanted to have a child but was forced to because she's a woman and that's her duty. Would you agree with this or is she a much more sinister character?

2. In what concrete ways would you say Pansy's strengths complemented Neville's weaknesses when they began dating? We see their relationship in a super specific context where they are in their late 20s but Pansy's growth got somewhat reverted to her teenage/younger years (so it makes complete sense we see her mostly being taken care of by Neville!!). But I ask because Harry's witty response to Pansy regarding Neville "deserving what he wants" made me feel a bit sad.

Like I get that Neville's a lot more emotionally sound than she is, but I guess it made me think about whether Pansy's life is "earned" beyond her trying to be better just for Neville's sake.

I imagine her fierce protectiveness of those she loves and her ability to set boundaries without taking people's shit must have been very attractive to a younger Neville?

Sorry if this question is too obvious. I think it hits close. I relate with Pansy's trauma and waking up one day as Neville's wife would indeed feel like heaven (thank you again Harry!). But I could not imagine being able to correspond to a love like that in ways that society traditionally categorizes as love.

Much love. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful brain with us xx

Thank you so much for reading! Truly so appreciative that anyone takes the time to follow a novel-length rare pair fic.

Answers under the cut!

Pansy's mother did not want kids. Full stop. Her father was indifferent to the idea, but definitely didn't want to marry Pansy's mother. My headcanon is that Pansy's mother had an ill-advised fling with Pansy's entitled rake of a father as a young woman, became pregnant, and was compelled to enter into a miserable, lonely marriage and raise a child she had absolutely no affection for. Pansy's father was interested when he chose to be, which wasn't often. Nonexistent or unreliable attachment all around. And so it's clear, this characterization isn't an excuse or attempted explanation for Pansy's cruelty as a child. I've known many casually cruel children over the years. It's not at all unusual. Heartbreaking and yet garden variety example: a few socioeconomically privileged kids in my son's class recently approached another group of children, some of whom have serious challenges at home, and told them that their mothers didn't love them as much as their mothers. Kids can be mind-bogglingly vicious people, even with the "right" parenting. They're kids! Their brains aren't fully cooked yet. Moving the empathy needle and fostering healthy culture in a school requires skillful adult intervention, which obviously was not happening at Hogwarts. Pansy's upbringing in this story is an explanation for why she struggles to be vulnerable, why she's so deeply haunted by a history of feeling unlovable, and why the prospect of motherhood in general and an unplanned pregnancy in particular carries a special horror for her. Basically what makes your second question a little tricky to answer....

...because she's such an unreliable witness to her own life in this. I love fanon Pansy more than anything. She's abrasive, sometimes filterless, terrifyingly perceptive, doesn't suffer fools. Which I just love so much. She's someone who cannot be other than herself, and that self is often pretty spiky. But if someone can get inside, she's also unrestrained in her tenderness. Once Pansy is on your side, you're ride or die. She'd do anything for you. Definitely would help you bury a body. And what I deeply love about Panville is that Neville gets to go further: he gets the innermost parts of her, which truly are so, so sweet and open and loving. She's an incredible partner. Neville has it made and knows it. And to try to answer your question, I don't tend to think about what they bring to the table, or whether anyone "deserves" anything, which is the error Pansy keeps making. I see them very much in the vein of, "I was in the middle before I knew I that I had begun." They're the catching feelings pair, whether it's friends to lovers or casual hook up to something more, because absolutely no way does she ever go into anything at all intending to be vulnerable. But he has the intuition of someone used to paying attention from the sidelines. He's curious. There's something there. He doesn't know what it is, but he'd like to. With enough patience, she unfurls. It's about the power of attentiveness and the inexplicable magic of deep connection. The payoff for Neville risking getting close enough to Pansy to peek inside is a spiky little wife who can't get enough of him in bed, has a full life of her own with passions and interests and relationships and is also deeply invested in their domestic happiness. She is profoundly, unswervingly in his corner. She sees and knows him. The payoff for Pansy risking her heart is this beautiful, kind, loyal man who adores her and whose sensibilities and preferences perfectly align with her own practical nature. He also happens to make great scones. Neither of them grew up understanding what they have was even possible, and I hope it's clear in the story that they both deserve every minute of it. 💜

#you asked I answered #remember one thing #panville #pansy parkinson #neville longbottom #long post

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theoncomingchaos · 2 years

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Why Nuea loves Toh

I swear this is my last essay about Nuea.

So, Toh asked a really great question in the finale about why Nuea loves him, and I wanna give my take on it, but first since all of us here saw that parallel between Nuea and Kiyoi, I think we first need to address the differences between them so we can better understand where Nuea is coming from and what he needs in a relationship.

First off, we need to look at Nuea and Kiyoi's backgrounds to understand that while yes both of them are treated like idols- they are very different. Kiyoi was left alone a lot as a child, he felt unloved and unhappy, and that’s why he wanted to go into the TV because everyone was always smiling and that was his escape from his lonely life. He desperately needs someone to love him.

Nuea is very different because he has a loving family. He has friends that support him and care about him. Kiyoi had none of that. Nuea’s problem is that the masses at school treat him like an idol which is dehumanizing. They don’t bother getting to know him, they just come up and ask for his photo or a video message or whatever else they want without caring about his feelings or bothering to get to know him at all. Even Proud didn’t seem to know him. It seems like they were just banging, not actually dating, and she was using him as an arm piece. Even their break up didn’t seem to be about losing Nuea as a person so much as losing him as an object to show off. We can tell from the way she talked about him and dismissed his feelings entirely.

The thing about Nuea is that he is a really good person- he goes out of his way to help people (Ep. 1), he's playful, hardworking (basketball), responsible (speaking at his parent's anniversary, his determination to get Toh's parents' approval, etc.) and is so fiercely loyal and loving, but most people just see: rich, popular, attractive, and athletic. I think this is actually part of why he is such an exhibitionist about his relationship with Toh. He wants people to see that this is his real life beyond their shallow images of him.

Now for why he loves Toh. Nuea said that at first he was mostly just curious which makes sense. He had this weird little guy sneaking around and taking pictures of him from afar without ever approaching him. This is interesting because we know most people don’t hesitate to just come up and ask whatever they want from Nuea. They can come get pics with him because they know he’ll say yes. But instead Toh just follows him around. This makes him different from everyone else. Knowing that Nuea feels like most people don’t actually see him, part of that curiosity and interest must have subconsciously been about whether or not Toh did see him. That thought took hold and thus, suddenly, as Nuea said, seeing Toh made his day. There was someone there watching him, seeing him, and loving him, with NO expectations, no demands, nothing. Someone loving him selflessly.

So, he started looking for him. He wanted more of that good feeling. He wanted closer. He wanted to know Toh. Nuea said he looked all over the place, and in the novel apparently it took 6 months before he found him to invite him to take photos at Lan’s party. By this time, he was already attracted- though more to the idea of Toh than anything else. But in real life, this is what attraction is like. You find them attractive or you get curious about them, then you want to know more about them and spend time together.

So, Nuea starts finding ways to spend time together. Based on his behavior with Toh, we can see that this is someone he feels totally comfortable being himself with (in comparison to his constantly cool persona with Proud), and moreover, wants to show himself to. He wants Toh to see him as he is: the pouting, playful, sexual, and deeply affectionate guy beyond the “cool” persona. He wants to know Toh as well because he’s unique and different and interesting, and makes Nuea feel so good.

Spending time together, this love grew- they are both a little needy and unhinged, they are both very sexual and playful, they find joy just being together doing whatever. In Nuea’s mind this is the person he wants to keep, the person that makes him happy and that he can shower love on. Toh is the person who sees him for who he is and isn’t after him because of his looks or money.

This is why Nuea cried when he found Toh’s collection. He thought Toh had been seeing him as he is and trusting him, but in reality, as much as Toh does know Nuea, his lack of self-confidence kept him from allowing himself to fully trust Nuea or see them as equals.

However, they communicated their feelings and worked it out. Toh knows that he can keep Nuea now and can allow himself to trust that this is real, and Nuea can have this weird little person that makes him happy and helps him feel like he can be his genuine self. We can see this commitment and equality throughout the last few episodes: meeting each other’s parents, being switches, and their shared apartment filled with their shared memories.

So, overall, the way I see it, this story encapsulates what love is for a lot of us. It's being with that person that makes you happy, that person you enjoy being with and that you can be yourself with. Love doesn't need a bigger reason than that.

#scoy #scoy the series #secret crush on you #secret crush on you the series #nueatoh #tohnuea #thai bl #I can't believe I wrote another essay about Nuea #He's just really interesting because his development is so subtle compared to like Toh and Jao

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what-if-queen-camilla · 11 months

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A Little Secret - Chapter 2

25th December, 1986

“Okay, come on, Milla, let’s do it - 1, 2, 3…”, Annabel gasped and together, the sisters took all of their strength and kicked the huge Turkey they had bought for the big annual Christmas lunch right into the oven. “Finally!”, Camilla sighed and lent against the kitchen table, desperately fighting the feeling of dizziness that had hit her once again. She’d been feeling miserable since the very day she had found out about her pregnancy, not only because of the mental stress but also because she was suffering from almost every imaginable side effect: she felt dizzy, she felt sick and she couldn’t remember having ever felt more insecure about everything. Basically, it was a miracle to her that nobody had found out yet. Of course she hadn’t told anyone and for now, she was absolutely determined to keep it to herself.

She knew it was ridiculous to think that she would be able to go on like that for long but it was Christmas, the season of love and peace and it was all hard enough already, even without that bombshell. She hadn’t heard from Charles in more than a week now, she knew he was up in Sandringham with his wife and family and she just hoped with all her heart that he was going to be alright. She knew exactly how much he hated the holidays, not because of the occasion itself but because of all the celebrations and duties and the fact that he was more or less trapped in a house that he hated, constantly surrounded by people who made him feel unloved, unwanted and deeply uncomfortable, and it simply killed her to know how terrible he felt, how sad and lonely he was, and that she wasn’t able to be with him and give him the love that he needed.

On the other hand, she was very relieved that she wasn’t with him because she couldn’t have kept her little secret to herself, he would probably have noticed something anyway, and she couldn’t have lied to him, he knew her way too well and would have instantly known if he had only looked into her eyes. Charles… the mere thought if him had given her goosebumps again. She couldn’t even put into words how much she missed him and longed for him, for his strong arms tightly wrapped around her, his lips on hers, his hands feeling their way along all over her body… Camilla winced and Annabel watched her deeply worried.

“Are you alright, Milla?” Camilla took a deep breath and forced herself to smile. “Yes, absolutely!”, she ensured her sister and despite she wasn’t entirely convinced, Annabel didn’t ask twice. Apparently, Camilla didn’t want to talk about whatever might be bothering her, and as it was Christmas and they were all happy and jolly and enjoyed themselves she didn’t want to spoil everything by confronting her sister with something that obviously made her feel bad. She could imagine vividly what, or better who, it was that made her feel so uncomfortable. Of course, she knew what Andrew was like and she did absolutely not support or even tolerate his catastrophic behaviour towards his wife, her sister, but once again, it was Christmas and the last thing they all needed was a bad atmosphere.

The only thing she could probably do was to cheer Camilla up a little, so she opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of their favourite Champagne. “Let’s get festive then.”, Annabel declared and poured a glass for each of them. “Merry Christmas, Milla!”, she toasted and Camilla replied: “Merry Christmas, Bells!” She took only just a little sip of the fancy drink but already felt her stomach rebelling. It was their favourite Champagne, normally, but it seemed as if there was zero normality left these days. She swallowed heavily and turned away from her sister so that she wouldn’t see the face Camilla was making. She really felt hot and cold at once and it took everything in her not to let show. “Really everything alright, sweetie?”, Annabel asked again and Camilla was quick to reassure her: “Yes, Bells, everything is fine!”, before she turned over to the cupboard and pulled out the dishes and glasses they’d need for lunch. She had never been a very religious person but in this very situation she prayed to God that nobody was going to notice anything…

“Mummy, Mummy, look!”, 8-year-old Laura cheered as she proudly presented her mother the Christmas cookies that she had just made together with her two cousins and their grandmother. “Yum, they look delicious, darling!”, Camilla smiled and her little daughter asked excitedly: “Wanna try?” Camilla hesitated for a second because she still felt incredibly sick but immediately grabbed a biscuit when she noticed the disappointment in Laura’s eyes. “Of course, darling, I’d love that!”, she said, forcing herself to look happy and took one of the ginger bread cookies. They looked delicious, they really did, and normally Camilla loved ginger bread, but this time, once she had taken the first bite, her stomach started rebelling again and she felt that she couldn’t fight the sickness this time.

Horrified and deeply embarrassed she ran up the stairs and right into the bathroom where she couldn’t help vomiting. At least she had managed to let nobody see. She felt so miserable that she wanted nothing more than to be on her own, she didn’t want to see anyone but of course her sister had followed her straight away. Silently, she rushed to her bedroom and back again to come back with a towel that she handed over to her sister, tenderly stroking her arm without saying a single word. Camilla took it more than gratefully and quickly washed her face. “Okay, sweetie, you tell me what’s wrong right now.”, Annabel said firmly and made it clear that she was not going to accept any kind of protest. Camilla sighed and dried her tears once again, before she cleared her throat and finally dropped the bombshell: “I’m having a baby.”

“Oh Milla, that's wonderful!!!”, Annabel cheered excitedly and hugged her sister warm and tight and added: “I’m so happy for you, finally!” She was well aware how much Camilla had been longing to have another child and she had to be over the moon… but why on earth did she look so miserable? Was it the sickness or the hormones in general? Somehow, her sister didn’t seem to be happy at all… “What’s the matter?”, Annabel looked worried. “Is something wrong?” “Kind of…”, Camilla whispered and Annabel frowned. “Doesn’t Andrew want it?”, she asked carefully but Camilla hissed: “He doesn’t even know!” “What?” Her sister was shocked. She didn’t understand anything anymore. “Why wouldn’t you tell him? I know, he’s screwed up but he’s still your husband and the fath-” “No, he is not!”, Camilla declared and Annabel looked thunderstruck.

She couldn’t believe what she just had heard. Camilla would never cheat on Andrew, she loved him like she had never loved anyone else - apart from… “Charles?!” Silence. Camilla did not say a single word but the mere fact that she did not contradict basically said it all. Annabel gasped for breath and tried not to let show how shocked she was. It had to be hell for Camilla anyway and the last thing she needed right now was a sermon. “Well…”, Annabel started after a few moments, tenderly stroking Camilla’s hand, trying to make her sister feel as comfortable as possible in what had to be one of the most embarrassing situations imaginable.

“Have you told him?” Camilla shook her head. “I only found out a few days ago… I haven’t even made it to the doctor’s yet, for.. it… to get confirmed. It’s Christmas and I want everyone to be happy and enjoy the holidays, you know? Please promise me that you won’t tell anyone.” “Of course not, Milla, you can trust me!”, Annabel assured her immediately, and she meant it. No matter what she herself might have thought about Camilla’s relationship stuff, that was not her business, but as her sister and best friend it was totally out of the question that she was going to support her, of course she was. However, at the same time, she had countless questions on her mind that she was dying to get answers to… “I… I didn’t know you and Charles… I mean… how long…?” “About two months.”, Camilla replied and looked down. “I know it’s wrong! We are both married, we have the children! But I really love him and he… he was so unhappy, you know?” “Wait - why on earth should he be unhappy? He’s married to this beautiful, lovely woman…”, Annabel stated, looking at her sister in disbelieve. “Very beautiful, yes, when it comes to outward appearance and manipulating the public…”, Camilla sobbed. “She’s got another side, Bells, a dark and dangerous, cruel side. She doesn’t care about him, she doesn’t want to be his partner. She wants to be the star, and she has painted this picture of the beautiful fairytale Princess who’s got the world at her feet but she has literally no idea how to be a supportive, loving consort to a future King! She always demands all the attention and she would do anything to remain in the spotlight. And you know, if I say ‘anything’, you can be sure that I really mean 'anything’.” Camilla had decided to keep the details to herself for the moment. It would probably be too much for her sister to hear about “the people’s Princess” threatening to kidnap Charles and her children or kill herself by cutting her wrists or jumping out of a window at Kensington Palace which of course would be Charles’ fault. Camilla had shivered and trembled and felt like the world had frozen when he had told her for the first time, a part of her refused to believe but another part simply knew it was true. She had seen it in his eyes, she had felt his pain, his insecurity and anxiety and it had broken her heart just as it broke Annabel’s in this very moment. “Goodness, Milla, I… I’m so sorry. I had no idea…” “Of course not.”, Camilla replied and squeezed her sister's hand. “Neither did I.” They were silent for a few moments until Annabel cleared her throat and carefully asked: “What are you going to do now?” Camilla shrugged her shoulders and felt tears in her eyes again. She had no idea what she was going to do and she couldn’t even think about anything at the moment, not until all the celebrations were over and Andrew would be in London and the children at their respective boarding schools again by the 7th of January which was still almost two weeks from today… she just had to pull herself together and not let anything show. Somehow.

#queen camilla #king charles #royal family #royal baby #fanfic #fanfiction

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