#everything about his choices are so wrong on so many levels and his license for practice should be fucking GONE

[andi-o-geyser]

hey, sorry um. bad news i called the Kansas Regulatory Board on your boyfriend. yeah, the one who started dating you and is now taking you on a trip to Paris after spending over a year with you for individual treatment and then couples counselling with your ex-husband. i'm then going to personally throw a football at his head for being such a piece of shit therapist. sorry.

#can you tell i have beef with this man #everything about his choices are so wrong on so many levels and his license for practice should be fucking GONE #like if i had 15 hours i could not even BEGIN to tell you all the ways he's being unethical and failing at his job #dr jacob come fight me in a denny's parking lot i fucking DARE you #i see your “ill take my gf on a romantic trip to paris while i leave her son with his father who's trust i have completely betrayed” #and i raise you “meet me on pont neuf at sunset so we can duel to death you curdled cup of milk of a man” #you don't DESERVE to eat crepes in paris #FUCK YOU #hhhhhnnnnng this fictional character has got me in such a rage you don't even understand #it is so hard to live laugh love in these dr jacob conflict episode economies smh #i wish ted a very nice kill him pls :) #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso season 3 #andis thought geyser

[leviathans-watching]

☽ chapter one | wc: 3.1k | series m.list ☾

Your hand is steady as you begin to light the candles you’d spent so long arranging into place. Everything is exactly as it should be, and excitement tingles under your skin as you consider what your future will look like in a few mere minutes. 

A pact, huh? 

You only know of one sorcerer who had pacts with demons, and he’s the most renowned sorcerer to exist. If you can get a pact, surely you’ll ascend to his level, establishing yourself right under him. 

At least, that's what you hope. 

It all depends on this spell going well. This spell will summon Mammon, Avatar of Greed, and force him into a pact with you. Some might shy away from the idea of ‘forcing’ a pact, but not you. It’s not as if you really intend to do something against his will, and anyway, you’ve fought too long and hard to get to where you are. Giving it up now would be ridiculous. And it’s not like the contract will only benefit you. Surely Mammon can gain something from it as well. 

You’d thought long and hard about which demon to summon. You wanted one powerful, but not so powerful as to beat you, which is why you passed on Lucifer. From the stories you’ve heard, Mammon is on better terms with humans than many of his other brothers, which was a reassurance, and though you’d considered going for Asmodeus, you eventually decided against it, not wanting there to be a conflict of interest.

So overall, Mammon was the best choice. 

Setting the lighter aside, you take a moment to steady yourself before beginning the incantation. Your eyes slip close as you recite the memorized words. After a few long moments of silence, you carefully peek at the summoning circle, dismayed to see it empty. What had gone wrong? You’d done everything exactly according to the instructions!

Bone-weary tiredness settles over you. No wonder you’re unable to get your sorcerer's license. You can’t even perform a spell like this. 

Shaking your head in disappointment, you stand, turning your back to the summoning circle. You should probably clean up. 

It’s as you’re bending down to pick up your bowl of herbs that a bright yellow light fills the room. It probably would have blinded you had you been looking directly at it, making you grateful you are facing away. 

“What,” a low voice says, “the hell is goin’ on?”

You whirl around, hands covering your eyes as the last of the bright light dissipates. “Mammon?” you venture, moving your fingers so you can see.

“Uh, yeah? Who the hell are you?”

Mammon… is not what you were expecting. Instead of some horrific creature, you’re met with a pretty normal-looking guy, all things considered. Sure, he’s got horns and wings, but that's it. Oh. He has abs, too. So horns, wings, and very prominent abs.

“My name is MC,” you say bravely, looking very intently at his eyes, which are an inhumane blue. “And I summoned you. I wish to make a pact.”

“A pact?” Mammon squawks, confusing you. “ That’s what you were tryin’ to do?”

You raise a brow. “Yes?” 

Mammon curses, slipping into the rough tones of the underworld. “A goddamn pact. Shit.” Shaking his head roughly, he fixes you with a hard look. “Hate to break it to you, Sweetcheeks, but you fucked up.”

“What?” You squint at him. “No. No way. I followed all of the instructions perfectly.”

“And there’s your problem. Whoever told you that was a pact spell was lyin’ to you.” Mammon seems genuinely distressed, and you feel very out of your element. You’d planned to summon Mammon, and coolly invite him to make a pact, take his power, etc. etc. etc., but now your plan is going awry.

You’re scared to ask for further clarification but you do anyway. “Well then, what kind of spell was it?”

Mammon winces like he was hoping you weren’t going to ask. “It’s a, uh, binding spell. We’re bound together now. Our souls are, for a lack of a better term, intertwined.”

“But what does that mean?” You press, trying to identify any difference you could within yourself. You couldn’t sense that anything's changed, let alone get the feeling that you and this demon's souls are ‘intertwined’. 

“I’m not up-to-date on all the human stuff, since it’s been so long since I’ve been in the overworld, but I guess you could call it akin to being married? Obviously, it runs much, much deeper than that, but humans were mimicking this bond when they came up with the whole concept.” Mammon continues, seemingly unaware of the effect his words have on you.

You feel like the air’s been knocked out of you. “W-what? Married?” Your voice breaks on the word and you slide down against your cabinets, legs like jelly. “You’re kidding me.”

“Unfortunately not.” Mammon watches you with concern. “I don’t know how you even managed to cast the spell. It’s powerful, intricate magic that only very few could perform.”

“Then how did I do it? I swear I’m not that good at magic!” You try to calm down, aware that your audience of one is a very powerful demon who’d likely exploit any weaknesses he found. 

That bastard had told you it was a relatively easy spell when he’d given it to you! “I was trying to get a pact with you to get better at magic!  I was turned down by the Sorcerer’s Society so I decided to show them up with this! But you can, ah, see how it turned out,” you continue, gesturing vaguely at Mammon. You let your head fall back against the wood behind you, at a complete loss.

“Bull,” Mammon snorts. “You’re telling me that a novice sorcerer managed this spell?” 

“I’m not even a sorcerer,” you admit. “When I went to apply for my license I failed the exams.” 

Mammon gapes at you for a moment before visibly reigning himself in. “Look. Let’s just calm down for a moment.” Mammon hesitantly steps out of the summoning ring, approaching you. “We’ll figure it all out.” 

“We will? You’re sticking around?

Grimacing, Mammon crouches down near you, still an arm's length away. “I mean, yeah. First of all, the binding magic leaves a mark, meaning all demons will be able to sense our bond, which I don’t really want happening quite yet. And anyway, I haven’t been allowed up into the Human Realm in some time so I plan on taking advantage of it for as long as possible.”

Mammon looks like he said more than he meant to, so you let it go, deciding it would be a bad idea to push the very powerful demon you just accidentally bound your fucking soul to.

“Okay,” you say, blowing out a breath. “So, where do we go from here?”

Mammon shrugs. “Let’s take it slow for now. But eventually, we’ll have to figure out how to break this.”

Gulping, you look over at him. “You don’t know how?”

Mammon shrugs. “It's never been done before. Every other time the spell was cast it was intentionally laid. There was no need to break it.”

You suppose that makes sense. If what Mammon’s describing is true, then the spell is meant to bind two people together inescapably, something people would want to do with their loved ones. There’d be no reason to break it. If you were going to go as far as to bind your soul to someone then you’d be confident that they were the ones you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. 

“Great.” Feeling your stomach grumble, you stand, looking around your kitchen, which is still set up for the incantation. “That’s just great.” You begin to clean up, aware of Mammon watching intently. His gaze rubs the wrong way on your already wrung-out nerves and eventually, you can’t stand it. “What?” you snap, and Mammon stands as well. You note he’s taller than you, standing well over the average human height.

“What are you doin’?”

“What’s it look like? I’m cleaning up.” You stare at him, candle in your hand. Wordlessly, Mammon begins helping you, only confusing you further. With your direction, he puts everything in a neat pile on the counter for you to sort through and put away later. 

“So,” Mammon starts, breaking the awkward silence. “MC, was it?”

You nod. “Yes. And you’re Mammon, Avatar of Greed.”

Mammon’s chest puffs out. “That’s Mammon THE Great, to you, human!”

Unimpressed, you just fix him with a look, continuing to clean. Once all of the spell stuff is put away in its rightful place you turn to your food cabinets, rooting around for something easy. Again, Mammon just watches.

“You can, uh, go explore, or something,” you say, nodding towards the doorway of the living room. “I guess if you're going to be here awhile you can just make yourself at home.”

“Sounds good to me,” Mammon says, quickly vacating your kitchen, and for the first time since he’s shown up, you can breathe again. Only I would manage to get myself into a situation like this, you think bitterly, pulling out sandwich stuff. Curse that scummy sorcerer for giving me this spell.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

“I only have one bedroom,” you say, looking over at Mammon some time later, after you’d both eaten and placed your dishes in the sink. Do demons even need sleep? “Which means one bed. You can have it until I manage to get another sleeping option.”

Mammon tears his eyes away from the TV, considering. “Where will you sleep?”

You pat the couch you’re both sitting on. “I’ll take the couch. I have extra blankets and pillows tucked away somewhere I can use.”

“Works for me.” Perhaps someone other than Mammon would argue out of politeness, but he is a demon, and the Avatar of Greed at that, so you’re not really surprised when he doesn’t.

“Let me go get clean sheets and pick up a bit,” you say, thinking about all of the stuff you have lying around. Your house isn’t super clean in general- not that it’s dirty, just cramped. Cluttered, if you will. You don’t tend to have guests so there’s no need for you to maintain it all that well, and though you know it’s a dumb feeling, you can’t help but fear that Mammon is judging you based on it.

As you set about tidying up, you find your thoughts drifting to Mammon, who has easily integrated himself into your space. He’s different than you were expecting, obviously, and you’re still trying to figure out how you feel about him. Despite all of his posturing, he doesn’t seem all that bad. The only issue is his sticky fingers, as you’ve already had to scold him for pocketing some of your stuff, but really, in the scheme of things, that is a pretty low-level thing to worry about.

(Considering you’re still kind of scared he’s going to kill you brutally for fucking up so badly.)

Mammon, surprisingly, is funny. His humor’s slightly crass and a little rude, but so far it hasn’t been mean-spirited, and he seems to know when enough is enough. He also knows what to say, and his lack of fear in the situation is oddly reassuring.

He’s, in his own words out of touch with the overworld, but he seems to be faring alright so far, easily using your laptop and TV. You wonder how different the two realms really are after all. Maybe you’ll get to go to the Devildom eventually, assuming you and Mammon come out of this both alive and not hating one another.

“Don’t you sorcerers for a spell for all of that?” Mammon asks from the doorway, startling you enough that you drop the comforter you were throwing over the sheets.

“Oh, like I said, I’m not very good at magic,” you say, pressing a palm to your chest. Getting used to not living alone will surely be a challenge. “I can do the spells, of course, I just would rather not use up the last of my magic on them. Today’s… spell thing really took a lot out of me.” The busywork is also helpful, but that doesn’t need to be admitted.

“Hm.” Mammon watches you finish up, eyes boring into your back. “This whole situation doesn’t make any sense. Someone giving you the wrong spell. The fact you were able to cast it. The fact that it even worked at all.” When you turn to look at him, he shakes his head, giving you a half-smile, teeth glinting in the lamplight. “Nevermind. We’ll work on it tomorrow, like you said.”

“Right. Tomorrow. Speaking of that, is there anything specific you want or need for breakfast? I realized I don’t exactly know what demons eat, or what they can eat, so I may not be stocked up with the right foods. Oh my god, do you guys eat souls? I don’t have that. Well, I do, but-” Realizing you’re rambling, you cut yourself off with a sigh.

Mammon watches you for a moment without answering, an odd look on his face. It vanishes though, in favor of a shit-eating grin. “We could eat souls if we wanted to. I don’t, but my brother, Beel…” He’s talking about Beelzebub, Avatar of Gluttony. Seeing your mildly uneasy look, he laughs. “Don’t worry about it. I can eat whatever, so I’m sure what you eat will be fine.”

“Alright,” you say hesitantly. “I have an extra toothbrush for you in the bathroom, and if you need a change of clothes I’m sure I could magic one up for you, or whatever.”

“Thanks, but I can do that myself.” You’re reminded you’re speaking to the second most powerful demon to walk the realms. “And thanks. You’re surprisingly cool about all of this, you know, for a human.”

“Well, I can’t say I’ve been in this position before, but when you learn about sorcery, you learn to roll with the punches.” Laughing a little, you pull the door closed behind you. “Goodnight, Mammon.”

“Night, MC,” he says and you see him looking at all of the stuff you have pinned to your walls before the door finishes shutting. You make sure that the front door is locked and the lights are off before settling on the couch, and despite all of the stuff your mind has to pick apart and focus on, you fall asleep quickly, the exhaustion of the day catching up to you.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•

The next morning finds you and Mammon in the kitchen, both with bowls of cereal.

“Solomon?” Mammon’s eyes are wide, and his voice jumps up an octave or two. “You said Solomon gave you that spell?”

Leaning back slightly, you nod. “Um, yeah. Do you know him?”

Mammon laughs, though the sound is humorless. “Yes. And he’s a giant dick. This is probably his idea of a joke.” Muttering under his breath, Mammon runs his hands through his hair, making it even more disheveled than it previously was. Apparently, even demons get bedhead.

(It still looks good, though.)

“I know him through my work as a sorcerer,” you say. “He helps me out every once and a while and I had a few classes that were TA’d by him.”

“Wait, you go to classes to learn this stuff?” Mammon stares at you before shaking his head. “Never mind, unimportant. He works as a human ambassador down in the Devildom. I know him pretty well, unfortunately.”

“Do you not like him?”

“It’s not that I don’t like him,” Mammon hedges unconvincingly. “He just gets on my nerves, actin’ all smug all of the time. Like he knows better than everyone else.”

“I guess I can see that. You both have strong personalities so it’s probably easy to clash with one another,” you muse. “But I don’t understand why he’d give me the wrong incantation. Do you think it was an accident?”

“With Solomon?” Mammon growls. “Never. That bastard likes to get under my skin and this was probably his newest way of doin’ that. I just don’t get why he’d get you involved, though. I coulda eaten you, you know. And that would have been on his hands.”

“Well, you didn't eat me,” you say firmly, though you’re once again struck with the reminder that he is a demon and you are but a human, “so let's keep it that way and just chalk it up to a prank?”

“I dunno.” Mammon furrows his brows. “Solomon likes to play three steps ahead. I can’t help but believe he’d have more than one motive for this, though I don’t understand what they’d be.”

“We could always ask him,” you offer, and Mammon’s eyes snap to yours.

“We could,” he agrees, though his tone is somewhat reluctant. “I just…”

“What is it?” you pry, trying to be gentle.

“Look. I wouldn’t expect a lowly human to understand my situation, but I don’t want to go back down just yet. This binding between us is a surefire way to keep my brothers off my back, at least for a little while. Normally, Lucifer’d be able to track me using my aura, but I think since it’s changed because of our souls and whatnot, it should take him some time.”

“So you don’t want to figure out a way to undo it just yet?” you surmise, eyes wide. You thought Mammon would be nothing but eager to get away from you and the spell.

“Not because of you, or anythin',” Mammon says quickly, and you bite back a smile. “I just wanna explore. See the sights around the overworld.”

“That’s fine with me, I guess,” you agree. “I don’t have anything super important going on right now, besides re-trying out for my sorcerer's license. Which I still can’t do, since my plan was to have a pact with you and I don’t have one of those.”

Mammon’s silent, and you realize how weird you just sounded.

“N-not that I was going to really force you into anything you wanted to do. If you really didn’t want to make one with me, that would have been fine. Obviously. Bodily autonomy and all that.” Smiling nervously at Mammon, you’re taken aback when he snorts, hair flopping into his eyes.

“Relax, human. You’re hardly the first to try for a pact with me outta the blue, though you are the most polite.”

“Thanks, I think.” Mammon still surprises you. When you expect one response, you’re often met with a very different one, and you can’t help but wonder if it’s cultural differences or simply his personality. “But you said you want to explore the human realm? Is there anything in particular you want to see?”

previous | current | next

#obey me #obey me game #obey me shall we date #mammon obey me #obey me mammon #om mammon #mammon om #obey me x you #obey me x reader #mammon x mc #mammon x reader #mammon avatar of greed #mammon x you #obey me fic #obey me fanfic #obey me swd #leviswriting #leviswriting-obeyme #selfish for once #sfo

[mlobsters]

supernatural s9e10 road trip (w. andrew dabb)

didn't realize we were on a 'road so far' episode already. oh did we really need a funeral pyre? buh. okay what irritates me about that is it can lean on the emotions i associate going back to john's pyre. as much as i warmed up to kevin, his death did not really make me feel anything. and now they can borrow against my fucked up dead parents feelings that got shaken up via john. don't like it.

also borrowing against my thoughts on dean's feelings via john's death, having this long zoom out from dean at the fire, licensed music playing. oh, it gets worse! the cleaning up kevin's footprint in the bunker. no more extra little brother at home.

was thinking today actually about mrs. tran, how crowley said she was dead but i couldn't remember if we ever confirmed if she was actually dead?

thought of it because of the phone. the logistics of the aftermath of someone has died. i was too young to deal with anything from when my dad died, but i was 32 when my mom died (fun fact i guess that would make it a year before this season aired) so my brother and i dealt with the house and belongings. damnit. now i'm upset about that, buncha cheap shots, show. sigh. too much thinking, more watching.

dean guilt++ and no sam because he's off being ridden around by a fucked up murdering angel

all right the picture with kevin and his mom got me. don't throw the fucking phone, asshole. break everything else, but not the phone, come on. this is like bobby burning the family picture with jo and ellen in s5e10 (brain, stop it)

so we go from this scene to.... this one.

okay tonal whiplash. they could have had a rockstar character and not making it into a cheesy joke. weird choices.

DEAN Sammy was dying. What was I supposed to do?

can't blame a shark for being a shark. can't blame a dean for doing anything to save his sam.

CASTIEL You kill an angel, its vessel dies, too. DEAN Think I don't know that? If I don't end Sam and that halo burns him out and I... God, I was so damn stupid. CASTIEL You were stupid for the right reasons. DEAN Yeah, like that matters. CASTIEL It does. Sometimes that's all that matters.

castiel is banking on it being the something that matters for personal reasons too :p

CROWLEY I told him this was gonna happen. I was the only person who tried to warn him. I told him to run. DEAN From what? CROWLEY You. How many times am I gonna have to say this? People in your general vicinity don't have much in the way of a life-span.

don't let him make you feel worse, dean (even though it's true)

will admit i wonder what crowley does chained up for days, weeks?? at a time between visits from someone.

definitely. good levels of quippy crowley

CROWLEY Looks like we need a tiebreaker. Go get Moose, squirrel. Unless... Unless, of course, you can't. That's why you're here, isn't it? The poor giant baby's in trouble again, isn't he?

i will admit he made me laugh at that. poor giant baby samoose

dean is Very Sad and Very Guilty but i would like to take a moment to say i like the plaid he has on today. it's pretty. not covered up by a jacket so i can actually appreciate it

okay that made me laugh too

CROWLEY Shotgun. DEAN Uh, wrong. You're in the back. DEAN Hey – you, too. Keep an eye on him.

so dumb but i cackled. more cas and crowley bickering please

dad!dean yelling at the kids fighting in the back. here for it

all right. mega confusion. so i was like this dude, why do i know this dude, is that ezekial/gadreel, was he in an older episode of spn? anyway i apparently didn't look him up when we first met him but he was one of the dimi's in s1 of altered carbon... and dimi 2 was in an spn episode (s4e5 the black and white one). i had forgotten that while dimi is the same dude, it was different meatsuits (sleeves, in the show).

s9e10 / altered carbon s1e1 tahmoh penikett as dimitri kadmin

wonder how padalecki felt about playing an even more different character now. recall reading something recently about jackles talking about how it was harder when he was playing soulless!sam etc because it wasn't that same dynamic

I've shared this before, it did make it a little bit more difficult when Jared was playing soulless Sam or Dean was playing demon Dean or Michael. It made it a little bit, well, it was different because that person that you rely on who brings their character to life in a way that supports what you're doing and that is relatable and that is almost, is somebody that you rely on to fulfill—he completes me. Great, that's the headline tomorrow... "Jensen Ackles finally admits... ...that he really does love Tom Cruise movies." So yeah, to get back the question, it it did make it a little bit more difficult to do what we were so used to doing when you take that element away and but again that's I think that that was one of the great things about Supernatural is that we took chances like that, we swung for the fences on a lot of different things.

-from 2022 JIB 12 Jensen Sunday Morning Panel

LOL i just realized i had the wrong era license plate in the painting i just did. cue me flushing and sweating. i did something wrong on the internet where people can see, the HORROR

CROWLEY Your phallus on wheels just ran a red light in Somerset, Pennsylvania, 10 minutes ago.

lol. classy

this whole gadreel/abner thing. i dunno, man. there's just too much shit going on to care about everything

no judgement, i pet my car too

great, jabbing holes in sam's brain and wiggling a big needle around in there. like trying to find a recessed reset button with a paperclip

DEAN Pretty much, yeah. How are you doing? CASTIEL You want to talk about me now? DEAN I want to talk about anything that's not a demon sticking needles into my brother's brain.

oh dean. i'm feeling the feelings, jackles

CASTIEL You thought his life was at stake. DEAN Yeah, I got played. CASTIEL I thought I was saving Heaven. I got played, too. DEAN So you're sayin' we're both a couple of dumbasses?

me three

CASTIEL I prefer the word "trusting." Less dumb. Less ass.

sorry but i laughed. that was a weird watery delivery

now crowley gets to tromp through sam's brain too, greeeeaat. this is just great.

DEAN If you mess with Sam, if you try anything– CROWLEY I keep my bargains. Besides, I don't want to be inside your brother any longer than I have to. I'm not one for sloppy seconds.

classy as ever

DEAN This don't make us square. I see you again– CROWLEY I'm dead. Yes, I know. I love you, too.

kisses, byeee

SAM What you do want me to say – that I'm pissed? Okay. I am. I'm pissed. You lied to me. Again. DEAN I didn't have a choice. SAM I was ready to die, Dean! DEAN I know. But I wouldn't let you, because that's not in me.

it doesn't excuse what dean did, but sam knows this. neither dean nor i can tolerate sam being okay with dying. just like sam and i can't tolerate dean being self destructive and ready to die at the drop of a hat

at least i can tolerate it a little better when they have these little mini breakups, now that it's happened so many times. and i don't think they're committing to a long separation onscreen? but i don't know honestly

quality time for sam and cas?

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 9x10 #spnhiky #hiky #altered carbon #tahmoh penikett #gadreel #kevin tran #rip kevin jo ellen ash bobby pamela benny meg rufus #probably forgetting people #jib 2022

[midnightwinterhawk]

I put together a little collection of Sterek and Steter fics for funsies. “Just a few fics”, I thought, “nothing too crazy.” Thirty fics later I had to cut myself off and finalize the list. You can thank @the-cookie-of-doom​ for the inspiration. 

These primarily fall under the Hurt Stiles Stilinski category because I apparently like to see my comfort characters suffer. Most of these have hopeful/happy endings but mind the tags. For reals.

Placed under a cut since I have no self control and this turned into a long post.

Sterek

adore to see your eyes fly by @1001cranes

(11,309 l E)

stiles is a pyromaniac, derek is a sociopath. a match made in some kind of heaven. teen wolf kink meme fill.

take my heart from me by @areiton

(23,188 l NR)

He didn't really mean to adopt Derek's pack of puppies. He didn't mean to make himself important to them.

To Derek.

He just wanted to keep them all safe.

That's all Stiles ever wanted.

"Why Can't You?" by @asterekmess

(3,602 l T)

Now. This was happening now, and he couldn’t be less prepared.

-

After a long night, things between Stiles and his father come to a head.

And You Say You're Alone by bi_leigh_bi

(30,314 l E)

Between the kanima, the Argents, and Peter's untimely return from the dead, everything has fallen apart. Stiles and Derek try to put their lives back together once the crisis has passed. Stiles deals with the aftermath of being tortured, and the distance growing between he and Scott. Derek attempts to become a stronger alpha and keep his pack safe, and that includes Stiles.

A Victory March by @churkey

(2,688 l T)

When Stiles is eight he learns that nothing will be the same. His dad comes home one day after work and sits Stiles down for a talk. He explains that werewolves and all the monsters are real.

They're real and not hiding under anyone's bed.

Bury the Moon by darthjamtart

(16,592 l M)

First things get bad. Then they get worse. Stiles doesn’t know what he’s sacrificed until it’s too late.

Dying is the easy part.

Love's Violent Delights by @dexterous-sinistrous

(10,685 l E)

Derek caught the way the man’s eyes looked over Stiles before lingering on his ass. He waited for the clerk to place the key on the counter before he reacted.

Stiles startled at the loud noise, turning away from the pamphlets in the display box to see Derek pinning the clerk’s head against the counter. He drew in an even breath, looking between the struggling man and Derek.

Derek briefly looked at Stiles, hesitating before he saw the gleam of excitement in Stiles’ eyes and the hint of lust in his scent. “Ever look at him, or any other Omega, like that again, and I’ll slice your eyes out with my claws.” He shoved the man back, not caring of the commotion that was made as he snatched up the key from the counter.

Empty by @discontentedwinter

(48,034 l M)

Jordan Parrish is the new sheriff of Beacon Hills, a town haunted by its past.

Your Vision Borrows Mine by hazyascent

(188,781 l E)

Stiles has encountered a fair share of monsters before, way out of his league - the kinds that children are afraid are hiding in their closets and under the bed.

He’d even become one himself when he was void. The nogitsune was in his house, his body, and his mind.

But the worst monster he’s ever faced took even more from him and got away with it.

It’s why Stiles has never really been as terrified of werewolves and kanimas and darachs as he should have been. They’re really not that scary, relatively speaking, and he has a whole team on his side. They always found a way to win - until they lost someone they really loved.

Stiles doesn’t know how to be normal, not after everything he’s done and everyone he’s hurt. The nogitsune is gone, but another monster is on its heels.

His uncle is back. And Stiles has never felt more alone.

It Was a Wednesday by @isthatbloodonhisshirt

(80,129 l M)

“What happened? Where are you? What’s that sound?”

Derek jumped, having momentarily forgotten Scott was on the phone with him because Stiles had started moving. He’d stalked over to the other side of the cave, still eying Derek warily and growling, then settled protectively over a mass of clothes, leaves and animal innards. It was probably where he was sleeping.

Lovely. No wonder he smelled like death.

“Stiles,” Derek said, answering Scott’s question. Or, one of them, at least.

“Stiles? What do you—Stiles is making that noise?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“How fast do you think you can make it to the south lot of the Preserve?”

Tiny Houses by @ohmyjetsabel-blog

(77,183 l E)

"So this is what Stiles does. He lies in Scott’s bed and waits for Melissa to say she’s found someone to get it out of him, to cure him of the wrongness and the bad, and he dreams.

God, he dreams.

He dreams of fire and swollen bellies and that scene in Alien, of giving birth to jackals through his urethra, the whole horrific nine yards. His head is a terrible place to be, he can’t imagine his stomach is much better, why anyone would want to put a thing inside of it."

I'm There in the Water by @spaceprincessem

(15,878 l T)

“But it’s—” Derek paused, his words unsure, “it’s not like us,” he swallows hard, chin dipping to his chest in frustration, “it’s like a…”

“An abomination,” Stiles finished, nodding his head as he finally lets his gaze really look at Derek since Scott had pulled them from the water.

He suddenly wished he hadn’t because the way Derek looks at him makes Stiles feel like he is ten years old again. Like Derek is seeing him for the first time since they accidentally fell into each other’s orbit all those years ago. Like Stiles isn’t a burden or invisible.

Like he is enough.

Or five times Stiles felt like he was drowning and the one time he finally caught his breath

Gunplay is Not Really Our Kink by theroguesgambit

(2,577 l M)

“The rules to the game are simple. One bullet, six chances. You pick it up and take turns pulling the trigger on the other man, or we gun you both down right now. You play along, only one of you has to die. Fun game, huh?”

--

Derek and Stiles are captured by a group of hunters and forced to play a twisted game that only one of them might walk away from.

The Price by theroguesgambit

(18,452 l M)

Stiles must surrender the most important thing in his life to protect the town… and no one can figure out what it was.

Nieważny by Zethsaire

(2,037 l E)

The pack is gone, everything they've ever cared for destroyed. Now Stiles and Derek hunt the hunters, taking revenge in the only way they know how; blood.

Steter

Make Me Bleed by @asarcasticwitch

(2,304 l E)

Peter’s expression contorts, impressed or surprised, Stiles can't decipher, but the grin on his face proves he’s not exactly disappointed with the unexpected turn of events.

“Which bite exactly were you hoping for, hm?” The older man curls one hand around the back of Stiles’s neck, trailing his thumb along his pale, fragile throat.

Stiles tilts his head back in unyielding submission, giving the wolf no room to debate his sincerity. “I’m sure you can figure it out, Alpha.

Two Roads Converge in a Graveyard Town by @cywscross

(15,645 l T)

The Deadpool brings one more assassin to Beacon Hills. A man's gotta eat after all.

when you're going through hell (keep going for me) by cywscross

(57,022 l T)

Peter is abandoned in the aftermath of the fire, and Eichen House takes ruthless advantage. Six years later, when he's finally able to move again, he finds himself in a cell with a boy in a straitjacket.

(Kate’s biggest mistake was letting Peter live. Eichen House’s biggest mistake was letting Peter meet Stiles.)

Don't Fail Me Now by @discontentedwinter​

(36,315 l E)

Stiles goes to Derek looking for help.

He finds Peter instead.

Peter takes what he's wanted for a very long time.

Sanctuary by DiscontentedWinter

(56,525 l M)

The Hale Wolf Sanctuary isn’t just for wolves.

It turns out it’s for Stilinskis as well.

Bite Down by EclipseWing (@shadow-of-the-eclipse)

(27,586 l M)

In which Stiles is forced to survive the zombie apocalypse with a sociopathic murdering werewolf for company.

Into Eden by @graciebirdie

(12,232 l M)

Stiles deciding to bring home the stray alpha he'd hit with his jeep probably made him certifiable, if it hadn't turned out Peter was as crazy as he was.

Before you let go (and the light takes you in) by Issay

(4,032 l E)

Stiles makes one last errand - goes to leave flowers on all the other graves. Fuck, so many graves. The grief is as endless and as inescapable as the sky.

He goes home and there is a thing wearing his father's face, waiting for him in the kitchen.

Call My Name by KouriArashi ( @gingersnapwolves )

(81,370 l M)

After moving to Beacon Hills, Stiles starts having recurring dreams of a man in some kind of prison, who needs his help. Things get so bad that he ends up in Eichen House, where he finds out that the man is real.

Hide my tears in the rain. by MrsRidcully

(6,865 l M)

After  years spent successfully dodging werewolves, evil spirits and wendigos,  it was a drunk driver who stole his Dad, a drunk driver with a  suspended license and a record sheet as long as Stiles’s arm. Stiles  would have laughed at the irony if he hadn’t been so busy screaming.

In My Veins Like Disease by romanoffbarton

(1,140 l T)

He tries to leave once.

Foreshock by @twothumbsandnostakeincanon

(22,816 l E)

The day Stiles’ mom died, he almost leveled his house.

Not on purpose. Not even by mistake, really. More by instinct.

Since then he's dug his fingers into everything his has left, holding on with desperation.

Desperation never stopped an earthquake.

Your Touch is My Choice by twothumbsandnostakeincanon

(2,171 l T)

The first time John does it, Stiles is two years old and about to run into the road.

“Mieczysław!” Heart pounding, John grabbed him by the back of his neck and got a hand around his tummy, snatching him back. “No, you have to stay away from the road,” he said firmly.

Shameful Company by Whispering_Sumire (@whispering-sumire755)

(38,779 l E)

"Did I turn into a unicorn?" Peter asks dryly, and Stiles glares at him for a moment before the laughter bubbles up, unbidden, nearly unwilling, and he looks so surprised at the sound, his shock dimming it for a moment before it bursts through with even more trembling ferocity. A long, thin, willowy hand curls into a soft fist over his mouth, and he's shaking, frail, more tears falling, but the copper of his eyes are glowing, crinkling around the edges and scrunched with mirth.

"No," Stiles chokes, chuckling wetly. "No, fuck you, a unicorn? What, like, Rainbowcreep? Zombiesparkle?"

[About a year before the fated Hale fire, Peter starts having nightmares that involve a woman with red hair. The nightmares lead to a spell that brings a man back through time, and, eventually, though the time-traveler is traumatized in the most horrific ways, and Peter's never been good with or for people, in general, they develop a bond that neither of them expects.]

Would You Forgive Me If I Called You Hope, Peter Hale? (Hope, By Any Other Name) by Whispering_Sumire

(10,099 l T)

Stiles has scars. He owns that, he accepts it, he's cataloged and memorized every single one, he's hyper fucking aware of them all.

//

"What do you want, Peter?" Having the more untrustworthy of the Pack getting protective weirds him the fuck out, leaves an odd fluttering in his chest, like moths, waiting perilously and suicidally to be burned.

He doesn't like it.

"You're injured," the man says, "and whatever it is, it's put you in enough pain that I nearly fainted when I-"

"- Used your werewolf mojo on me without my permission?" Stiles smirks, and Peter gives him a black look, crossing a leg over his knee and smoothing out some invisible wrinkle on his pants.

"Tell me the truth Stiles, how bad is it?"

[Or: The one where Stiles has scars, is more than a little fucked up, and Peter notices. He helps.]

#hurt/comfort #angst #dark #hurt/no comfort #angst with a happy ending #fic rec #be kind to yourself and mind the tags #Sterek #Steter #Stiles Stilinski #Derek Hale #Peter Hale #hurt Stiles Stilinski #Sterek fic #Steter fic #to the pain

[jujutsu-headcanons]

Gojo Satoru general headcanons

Let's get one thing clear: this man is absolutely chaotic. He is always full of energy. His energy levels never reach below 50%. He is loud and proud, always running, and never takes a minute to relax.

Do not give him Monster. Shoko did that once and it took her forever to get him off the ceiling. Also, avoid caffeine. Shoko replaces his normal coffee with decaf and he still hasn't noticed the difference. Keep it that way.

He was the class clown when he was younger. He wasn't exactly a trouble maker, but he may as well be. I cannot word that sentence and I am sorry. Next.

All of his teachers assumed he never listened in class, so they always called in him when they thought he wasn't paying attention. It still shocked them every time he rattled off the correct answer.

Not only did he answer the question correctly, but he could also explain his reasoning behind the answer, and if it was multiple choice, explain why the other answers were wrong. 

This tall man child would march up to the board and absolutely fill it to the brim with work, turn around, drop the chalk-like a mic drop and walk back to his desk with the smuggest look on his face.

That doesn't mean he did the work tho

Idk how schools in japan work but we all know schools in America only care about the amount of work you do and not what you actually know so we'll use that for the sake of the headcanon: he had straight D's bc he never turned in his work

Despite not doing the work snd goofing off, teachers actually really liked him

A lot of people liked him and he was super popular, but he still felt alone

Fake friends, you know how that works, he didn't meet any real friends until he became a shaman

Clean freak. This dude actually makes his bed. He scrubs his bathroom twice a week. His desk can get cluttered but he straightens up once a week. He's not exactly a germaphobe because

He cannot respect your personal space and that's actually canon but let me take it a step further 

He's a slapper. Especially when he laughs. It doesn't hurt, it's playful dw. He hugs you from behind especially when he's cold. He picks you up and carries you around. He will grab your wrist, arm, or hand and lead you around even if you're following him. He lays his legs across you or lays across your lap. Puts his head on your shoulder. Platonic cuddling between friends is mandatory. He's just so hands-on it's ridiculous.

Unless you explicitly tell him you're uncomfortable he won't stop

Don't worry, if you aren't in that type of relationship, your no-no square is safe. Except, if you seem chill, he will slap your ass regardless of friendship status. His ass is also slappable. You can't tell me Geto and Gojo didn't run around slapping each other asses, okay

He was weird and scrawny as a child. He didn't start beefing out until he started training to be a shaman and he's still kinda smaller than most beefy boys

He can pick you up and throw you around easily. He carried around a 170 pound Yuji like a sack of potatoes and can easily carry around three times that weight

It's amazing he's so tiny because you remember 2014 Shane Dawson making all of those wack ass desserts that was just s pile of chaos wrapped in chocolate?

He can eat every last bite of one of those monstrosities without getting a stomach ache, gaining weight, or dying basically

He knows bc Yuji dared him to do it

He has really cold hands and feet

He sounds old. Let me elaborate. He's constantly cracking his joints. They also creak when he moves. He complains about body pains like he's 80 y/o

He also shares wisdom with the kids as if he's actually 80 y/o

It's irrelevant advice that doesn't make sense but is also useful. Megumi can't count the number of times he's asked Gojo for feedback on his technique but had been told to remember to chew 40 times or never go to bed angry

Starts off sentences with "now son" and "when I was your age"

He uses his blindfold as a headband when he wants his hair out of his face. He also uses headbands as... Headbands... When he wants to wear sunglasses but get his hair out of his face

He owns so many pairs of sunglasses but he always wears the same pair

He's only bought a handful of them himself, most of them are gifts

No one knows what to get him for Christmas or his birthday bc he has everything, so they resort to sunglasses

His favorite pair is a pair that Shoko and Geto bought him as a gag. He thought they were dead serious, though, so he wore them around for a month

They were heart-shaped, rose-tinted glasses

Can you believe this man doesn't use any gel or anything to keep his hair spiky with the blindfold on? It just naturally defies gravity when the blindfold is on

Tell this man he's pretty because he already knows. He's narcissistic but not the cringy kind

Photogenic as hell. Takes great pictures from any angle. 

He gives everyone a different story as to why he covers his eyes. Sometimes he says it's because his eyes are too pretty and are a distraction. Sometimes he says it's because the sunglasses/bandages/blindfold look cooler than his eyes. Sometimes he says it's to protect the six eyes from seeing things he doesn't want to see. The world may never know

He's tried covering his whole face before, but he thinks he's too pretty for that. He at least wants one of his many amazing features to be shown at all times.

So about his driver's license;

He knows how to drive. He can be a good driver. When he wants to be. He just doesn't have a driver's license.

Now he TELLS people he just never got around to getting one, however, there's a rumor he lost it due to too many parking tickets

It's amazing the only tickets he's ever gotten have been from that and once he got caught without a seatbelt; he would have gotten out of that one if he hadn't been flirting with the police officer so bad

This doesn't stop Gojo from driving places though

He steals Ijichi's car a LOT and Ijichi DOESN'T KNOW HOW like??? The windows are never broken and it doesn't look hotwired-

Gojo has a key

You're not even supposed to be able to duplicate car keys but Gojo did 

Also; none of the first-year trio knows he doesn't have a driver's license, though that much should be painfully obvious

He whips around corners, speeds up at yellow lights, goes "watch this" and does a donut, it's just a mess

The poor students have to sit in the backseat too. Just imagine Megumi with all three seatbelts around him like that one meme.

He thrives off of Nobara and Yuji screaming from the backseat, and he can see Megumi being smooshed because he thought the middle seat was the safest through the rearview mirror

Which he doesn't even need because of the six eyes

Despite being such a reckless driver, he knows when danger will happen, so he's never once gotten in a wreck

He blasts the radio, which makes up for the driving.

Has a habit of getting in a car and ending up in the McDonalds drive-thru

Steals other people's fries and keeps the fullest one for himself.

He was rebellious as a kid and teenager, but hey, at least his juvie record is sealed 

He's been detained and in the back of a cop car many times, but the reason was never really bad enough for him to be arrested. Mostly he's just being mouthy. And the time he got caught spray painting on the side of a building. And that one time he and Getou hopped the fence to get into the local pool. And that other time-

It got worse after Getou wasn't around to get him out of trouble. Suddenly, breaking the rules wasn't fun anymore and he mellowed out. 

Tried alcohol and cigarettes before he was legal. Decided neither was his thing, however, he did start drinking occasionally when he was legal.

He's a fucking chaotic drunk. Oh my god he's absolutely feral

Most bars in the vicinity know him by name and they sigh whenever he walks in

Shoko is his emergency contact. She hates it

Shoko has to drag drunk Gojo home at least twice a month and is not happy about it

Once she left him in an alley. He made it home okay so she guesses it's fine

Once he got so drunk he spilled beer on his sock. The thought the fastest way to dry them was by sticking them in the microwave. Forgot about it until someone asked, "Who the fuck is cooking socks???"

I feel it important he was in the break room of the local grocery store and no one knows how he got there

As he was escorted out he stole a grocery cart and rode away in it while singing Don't Threaten Me (With A Good Time) by Panic! At The Disco

He has no alcohol tolerance at all what so ever

He will literally just stare at you and giggle

It's funny he's really flirty but also doesn't seal the deal. Literally, every woman in that bar is willing to get in his bed but he declines every offer. No one knows why

Its because he respects women

He helps his students break the rules as long as they're within reason. Once night Yuji was really hungry and after having a temper tantrum he couldn't order Uber eats bc the school is supposed to be secret Gojo helped sneak him out to get food. Who needs curfew anyway.

The shirts in his closet range from like twenty bucks to the iconic rich bitch shirt the kids ruined in that one chapter we all know the one 

He still wears that by the way, he calls it "art" 

When he was younger, Megumi drew a picture of Gojo being eaten by his shadow dogs. Gojo found it and now it's framed in his room.

He keeps up with current trends and memes like no one's business. This is how he bonds with his kids.

Don't call him old, but also, he'll tell you to respect your elders it's a mess

He has a lot of games on his phone. You can usually find him holding his phone sideways playing some RPG game he probably spent too much money on 

He did hop on the Pokemon Go hype train but after becoming overpowered he got bored

This happens to a lot of games. He pays way too much money, gets to be the strongest in the server, and gets bored

He likes games where you can kill other people's troops and likes to watch as they lose all their power

I canon him as being borderline sadistic

This is why he's Sakata Gintoki reincarnated

White hair, sweet tooth, black leather clothes, dad vibes, never takes anything seriously bc when he does he's scary as fuck, the works.

He is Sakata Gintoki

He liked Gintama growing up. He watched a lot of iconic shows as they aired. He considers himself an og

He's hella bilingual

Because he's the strongest he goes overseas for missions a lot. Because of this he speaks a lot of languages and knows a lot about international cuisine 

He takes pictures of himself eating disgusting foods like snails. He never likes them but he loves the idea of Nobara gagging back in japan

Has paperwork sitting untouched on his desk from three months ago that he will not touch for at least another three months

Does the crossword puzzles in the newspaper every week

Uses humor as a coping mechanism and it honestly just became a personality

Constantly popping his joints. I'm sorry if you find this gross I too find it gross.

Probably brought home every stray animal he ever met ever until he was at least like 22 y/o

Tags: @wasabito @kittaliapenn

#jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk headcanons #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen headcanons #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #jjk gojo #jjk satoru #gojo headcanons #gojo satoru headcanons

[misamccn]

linked - killua zoldyck. 

pairing: killua zoldyck x female reader

chapter word count: 2182

content warnings: violence, blood, child abuse, trauma, anxiety, death, abusive parents. 

summary: soulmate au - seventeen year-old (y/n) has never been free. after 9 years of being locked away with her father who uses her for her nen ability, (y/n) escapes and is on the run. she has big plans to become a hunter and see the world...until she meets her soulmate killua and his friends after discovering that her father is after her and wants to take her back. will she escape her father with the help of killua, gon, and alluka? will she bond with killua, or will they sever their link? 

:: prologue - running to the starting line

You craved control.

For all of your life, you never got to experience any kind of control, except when you were a little girl. Your mom would let you choose things for yourself. Like when you wanted to train, what you wanted to eat, and who you wanted to play with. But one day, she dropped you off to your father's house and she was gone. Murdered in cold blood that same night. Your light, happiness, and control died with her that day too. Gone in an instant. You would never choose another thing for yourself from that moment forward.

Until now.

Your feet, clad in thick black leather combat shoes worn with dirt and time, slapped against the wet pavement as you ran to the bus station. You roughly rubbed your hands against your tear-stained eyes. How could I be so stupid, you thought to yourself as your heart pounded in agony against your chest.

He really fooled you good, didn't he? For a second there, you felt safe. Like someone actually cared and didn't want you for your power.

Giichi...you bastard.

You clenched your fists angrily as you wiped the tears from your eyes. No more tears, I have to keep going or else dad will find me and I'll end up back in that cell.

After your mom died, your dad took you in and decided to make you use your gift as a payment for him taking you in. He took you underground in his base. There were no windows, no light, no color. It was dull and empty. The only things in your cell were a mat with a blanket, a toilet, and chains on the wall that were used to restrain you when you failed him and needed to be punished. You spent nine painful years down there. You spent your time healing your father's gang members and guards when they came back from a fight. The worst nights were the nights where a lot of them got hurt. Healing that many of them at once would almost kill you at some times, but your father never let you stop. He never let you have a break. The pain of it all left you breathless.

You were his tool and your purpose was to fix the people that were destroyed for him and his money.

The most painful part of it all though was probably the loneliness of it all. You didn't get to have any friends, and the only person your age that you knew was this boy that you met on an island a long time ago.

There was also your soulmate, of course.

He was always there, never fully in focus, but lingering in your thoughts. His emotions and feelings often filled your mind when they were strong. You didn't know his name, or what he looked like, but you knew him. Even if it was just a little bit.

You first felt him there the night your mom died.

The thunder and rain pattering against your window drowned out the sound of your sobs as you lay in bed awake that night. You had never felt so alone before. Not only was your mother gone, but her whole clan was gone. The people that she loved so much, and the people that you were just getting to know. Your small hand grasped your pillow tightly as a sob ripped its way through your throat when all of a sudden, you felt it. It was small, but nonetheless present. A soft, unfamiliar warmth lingered in the corner of your mind, almost like it was a little bit timid. It soothed her, suddenly she didn't feel so alone.

"I'm sorry," it seemed to say.

With tears still streaming down your cheeks and your eyes wide open, you whispered back, "Thank you."

There were multiple other occasions that you felt him there.

After your father smacked you around a few times for not healing fast enough, or not giving the results he wanted, you'd feel that same warmth.

When you were on the brink of death after healing too many terrible wounds at once, you felt his panic in the corner of your mind.

Sometimes, you could feel a deep loneliness in his mind. Sometimes you could feel he was in physical pain, just like you.

Was it possible that he was going through something similar?

You often wondered if he felt the lack of control that you did.

You knew that you would be destined to meet one day. When and where you didn't really know. You haven't found him yet because his first words to you were still written across your collarbone and you had yet to hear them out loud.

You were in no rush to find your soulmate though, you still had plenty of things you wanted to do. So many places to explore. So much life to live and take back. You were in no rush to settle down with a partner that you had no control over choosing, especially since you just freed yourself.

You ran away from your father's house about 3 months ago. There was a big raid. Enemies of your father had never broken into his base before, and you knew it was likely that it wouldn't happen again soon. So when the locks on your cell were unlocked due to the damage that was happening to the base, you took the opportunity and ran. You took your katana from your father's storage unit on the way out and bolted.

After running for a while, you found a small city. It was called Junipo City. The population was small and the poverty level was high. You were homeless for a while. You slept in an ally way behind the city's supermarket, and that's where he found you. Giichi.

When you first saw Giichi, you thought that he was very handsome. Just looking at his slick back black hair and green eyes made your heart do a little jump in your chest. However, it was his smile that pulled you in. There was something so friendly, so inviting about it. How naive you were then...

He acquainted himself with you and started dropping off food to you for about two weeks. After those two weeks, he convinced you to stay with him in a shelter that he lived in and worked in. He gave you your first set of new clothes in nine years, a place to sleep and food to eat. He took care of you, and for the first time since you escaped, you felt like maybe you didn't have to do things alone.

For the next two months, things were perfect. Giichi showed you all over town during the day. At night, he would bring you hot chocolate before you went to bed. You loved watching him play with all of the other kids and talk with the elderly at the shelter. Sometimes, late at night, you found the courage to confide in him. You told him about your past and all of your fears. Your heart began to flutter madly in your chest whenever he walked into the room. You thought that maybe, everything would be okay, maybe he even liked you too...

But after everything that happened tonight, you found yourself back in square one, alone again.

He had asked you if you had any career plans for the future.

"Hmm," you thought as your feet swung back and forth over the side of your cot, "I was thinking that maybe I could become a Hunter. I'm hoping to take the next exam. I think that my experience with nen and my katana gives me a good chance of passing the exam," you replied sheepishly.

"The next exam?" Giichi asked sorrowfully.

"Yeah," you smiled, "is there something wrong?"

Giichi smiled and shook his head, taking his seat on his cot across from yours.

"There's nothing wrong with that, of course. I'm really happy for you. It's just that...I'm really sad to see you go so soon. The Hunter exam is next week after all."

He looked back up at you. His sorrowful sage meeting your (y/e/c) ones. There was something in his look that made your heart soar...

"Giichi, I-"

He leaned in closer to you from his cot and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. Almost immediately you felt heat rise to your cheeks. He's so close...

"(Y/N)...I was going to wait to tell you this, but since you're leaving I have no choice but to tell you now," a mischievous smile found its way onto his face, "I really like you, (y/n). I have since the moment I met you. You're beautiful and strong. It really makes me sad that you're leaving before we had the chance to become something more than friends..."

Something more than friends? You had never thought about being more than friends with someone other than your soulmate...and even when you did think about that you figured that would be happening way down the line. Right now, you're free and you're allowed to finally make choices for yourself.

The first words of your soulmate burned angrily against the skin of your collarbone.

Could you pursue this, soulmate aside? No...no you couldn't. You were going to become a Hunter. You were going to make money and explore the world. Maybe along the way, you'd meet people and you'd get to finally use your power safely for people you care about...For now, though, you didn't have room for a relationship, despite what you felt for Giichi.

"Giich-"

Before you could tell him how you felt, he placed his hands on your cheeks and pressed his lips to yours.

You were completely frozen. Your eyes wide open in shock and your heart pounding against your chest. This was your first kiss. Before you could even process that thought it was over, and your soulmate mark was on fire.

He was there, lingering dejectedly in the corner of your mind. Feelings of jealousy, betrayal, and finally something passive washed over him in your head. And then he was gone. He shut himself out almost faster than your kiss.

Giichi pulled away from you, "After you get your Hunter license, will you come here and show me?"

You nodded your head slowly, your fingers playing with your tingling lips, "S-Sure."

He smirked and patted your head before walking away, "Get some sleep, (y/n). Goodnight."

Sleeping was the last thing you did. You laid awake in your cot, your soulmate mark throbbing against your collarbone. After about an hour of tossing and turning, you decided to get up and get some water, walking on your tiptoes to avoid waking the other sleeping children in the cots around you.

You were almost to the kitchen when you heard Giichi talking on the phone in his office.

"...uh-huh, yeah...She should be back from her Hunter Exam in two weeks, I'm guessing... Yeah...You can pay me and take her at the same time I guess, no need to make two trips... trust me, she'll definitely be back..."

You rocked on your feet outside of his office, almost losing your balance at the same time. He tried to trick you...he tried to gain your trust and sell you...To who though? Your father? A third party that knew about your power? That didn't matter, right now you had to get away and lay low.

You ran back to your cot and took the few things that you owned. You pulled on your black hoodie and pulled the strap of your Katana case over your chest and let your katana rest on your back. From there, you crept out of the back doors and ran into the night.

Your feet slowed to a stop as you reached the bus stop. A bus was there loading passengers so you immersed yourself into the line, pulling your hoodie over your face.

You took a seat alone at the back of the bus, the rain pattering angrily against the window and the wind rattling the bus.

You can do this alone, (y/n). Don't be afraid, you have to lay low for a little while.

You took a deep breath and shut your eyes. Regret weighed heavily on your heart and you tried to push these thoughts to your soulmate but you were met with silence.

The intercom on the bus buzzed to life, "Next stop: Yorknew City."

#killua zoldyck #hunter x hunter #killua zoldyck x reader #killua x reader #gon freecss #alluka zoldyck #illumi zoldyck #hxh x reader #kurapika #leorio #x reader #hisoka #tw: anxiety #tw: trauma #tw: death #tw: abuse #tw: violence #tw: blood

[theroyalbengal]

I'm Not A Role Model

Growing up as a kid in Dubai, I had quite a few idols. Till about the age of 15 - I looked at Jim Carrey, Rahul Dravid, Lance Klusener, Michael Schumacher, Ian Thorpe and Sergio Garcia as supposed idols. Arnold Schwarzenegger did definitely have his moments as well. I then grew up as a misguided boy who got into the things that I didn't have to and well, it affected my education and put a stress on my parents marriage as well. I'd have to say that till then, I was quite the student - a pain in the butt, however, I procured the lofty results my folks required of me.

It did hurt me when I had to choose my university - not having the requisite marks required and only being a basketball player at the time, I was lucky to get a few universities in hand, but because of my nature, my parents didn't trust me and got me into a university that was close to home. I fell in love in college and married a girl who was a polar opposite of me. She was excellent at academics, was focused, ambitious and I guess, I married her not only because I loved her but because I was in awe of what she had achieved and was yet to achieve in her life. By then I got out of university, worked a few odd jobs till I landed a job that was perfect. I started to play darts at a decent enough level to get me onto the Indian World Cup squad. I lost my mother. Then I quit my dream job to become a professional darter in India of all places. I've worn thin my bonds with family, extended family, my wife and my friends.

It has now been more than 5 years since I quite my job and came to India. I've trusted the wrong people and gotten hit quite a few times. I live day to day not because I want to but because of the choices I've made so far. Looking back now - I have not been able to maintain my marriage nor my ties with family. I have not had a successful career nor does it look like I will. My role models from when I was 15 were people who I still cannot comprehend even trying to follow. Jim Carrey is an actor most famous for "The Mask", a stand up extraordinaire and one of Hollywood's greatest comedians - I've never acted in my whole life, neither am I funny, trust me on that. Rahul Dravid and Lance Klusener were cricketers and I've honestly only played cricket with friends at max. Michael Schumacher is the greatest Formula 1 driver ever - I've not even gotten a drivers license. Ian Thorpe was an Olympic swimmer who led the Australian team to various golds till Michael Phelps came along and shattered the record books. Yes, I guess I can swim well. Sergio Garcia is a pro golfer and weirdly, the only time I've held a golf club in my hand was at a sports store. I saw the price of the club and I put it back. Arnold Schwarzenegger was well - I guess a mistake - one look at me and you wouldn't require a second to know that he didn't have any effect on my life.

I guess the only thing I've done so far in my life is take a long time to become an above average darts player. I've been in the game for 20+ years. That's a long time. I see many young players and people talking about how they want to be like me, calling me a role model. It irks me and sickens me that people think like that. It's just because they don't know me.

I drink alcohol, I smoke, I don't eat healthy neither do I exercise. I sleep at late hours and get up late too. I have made the worst decisions possible and haven't had a professional life. I have mostly lost all touch with my family, my wife and the best of friends that I had from before my decision to take up darts as a career. I have been a failure as a son, husband, brother and person. And no matter what I do now - I don't think I can patch these wounds back up. The only good thing so far is that my darts is getting better because it's maybe the only thing I have left and I'll keep going forth in it even if it means that I lose everything.

I am not a Role Model. Deal with it. Coz I'm not trying to be one either.

[goblinconceivable]

All The Feels

Random bulletpoints of Annie/Jeff analysis because I am overcome with shippiness.  :D  Also more like bullet-lengthy-paragraphs.  You tried, self, you tried.

Pascal’s Triangle (PT) is not a love triangle.  

Sure, look at the top two rows and you’ve got a binary split, ie, choice between two women.  But PT is row based, your current row based on the one above.  It’s complex.  Look below the binary surface of choice to row 3, where it actually becomes PT, where the complexity begins (and Community is about complexity.)  1, 2, 1, a total of 4. The 2 is the merging of the two 1s from row two - Ie, two women who get lumped together.  And beyond them is a 1 that springs out of nowhere - Annie.  Surprise!

Kiss at the end of S1

Jeff’s major deal is being afraid of expressing caring/vulnerability, while desperately craving/needing it.  Britta and Slater were both saying they loved him, and he does want to take that, but runs scared because they are  challenging him to admit his feelings in public, which no one who really knows and cares about him would do.  His scene with Annie is private. And she isn’t asking him FOR anything, she’s just asking what’s up, because she cares about the answer.  He feels safe, he opens up, it’s intimacy, which is both giving and taking.  Notably he admits he’s glad she’s staying after his share, this is him saying he cares about her too.

His explanation of the situation is a perceived choice between being the New Year’s guy (who he wants to be) and the Three Weeks Later guy (who he is.)  But the thing about New Year’s is the initial momentum always fades, and you have to put in the work, which Slater doesn’t help him with.  And he WON’T be able to sustain it on is own.  The guy he IS isn’t who he wants to be, it’s just giving up, rather than striving, even if imperfectly, to reach those goals.  Annie falls into the sweet spot: she understands what his default is, but shows him that he CAN be the man he wants to be, shows him what those steps ARE, encourages him to take the steps to be that person, and rewards him when he succeeds.  Which he does, with her behind him.  

And she kisses him first.  Which is an offering similar to Britta and Slater’s public announcements, but through action, not words.  Jeff uses words as shield and weapon, as did the other two.  Bypassing this essentially shortcircuits his brain.  His brain will warp and analyze and question, but she kisses him gently, an invitation not a demand.  He’s already put aside his sword and shield during their talk, and doesn’t feel the need to pick them up because he feels safe and cared for and is okay accepting and reciprocating that.

Play

Jeff is all adult and aloof and beyond such petty childish pursuits such as play, which is the scoffed at domain of Annie/Troy/Abed.  But he actually really wants it.  It likely stems in part from his loss of a proper childhood, but it’s also just who he is.  Imagination isn’t just for the young, the loss of the ability to play is an oft-bemoaned feature of adulthood, one the learned remind us we ought recapture.  (And a joy of parenthood is getting to do that through your children.)  But look, he literally was playacting being a lawyer.  It’s how he engages with the world.  He just justified that as a means to an end and did it for power and profit, rather than for enjoyment.

We see this, I argue, when responding to Annie’s playacting they were married. Annie anticipates a bad reaction, but he doesn’t give one.  No judgment.  He then establishes it’s not a deeper issue (”do I have to worry about this” ie, is this real/insanity).  When he says “I can tell you one thing your fantasy got wrong...” he’s not challenging her, or even taking offense, and while he’s not entering into her fantasy world (which is over anyway), he’s offering fodder.  He’s involving himself in the narrative process for her benefit.  And in the couched language of daydream he’s reassuring her -if- it was true, he would be devoted.  IF is a super important word in play, because you don’t have to believe, for example, you ARE a pirate.  You just need to act as IF you were a pirate.

Also cute, I take as justified fanon the deleted scene where he orders her appletini.  He was whining to her about it but it was relaxed because they both know he’d do it anyway.  And when the bartender turns out to be a believer in Annie’s created fantasy world, Jeff stops himself from correcting him and destroying the world.  Instead, he lets it persist just far enough to let himself glance at Annie as if it was true, and in that moment he sees her through the eyes of fantasy, and sees a beautiful woman, rather than all the complexity of their relationship.

Then there’s basically all the giant Greendale instances of play.  Which one way or the other, he gets roped into and ends up jumping into with abandon.  (Paintball, lava etc.)  And they’re often paired, because he enjoys playing with her, and the “if this” acts as license for them to explore their compatibility.  And their capers, when they pair up in the “real world”, is really just a sophisticated form of play.  As brought up pointedly when they were searching for the ASB, there’s a dual nature here.  They aren’t just buddies, like Troy and Abed, who are also very fantasy oriented (cardboard submarine!).  There’s a level of daydream beneath the fantasy world where they can set aside the complexities of their relationship, and say “if we’re solving this crime, then we can live in this bubble and just be together.”

I also really love the whole Professor Professorson episode because of course the layers are just so intricate and delightful when they unfold.  He tackles her which was total overreaction, he’s in a heightened world and committed to it.  They plot out this crazy intricate play to teach the Dean a lesson together, where they involve real emotions.  Many of which are Annie’s, but that means they’re creating a world in which it is safe to amplify her feelings which they are both aware of but are usually repressed, especially by Jeff.  And he praises her for that later (she went off book and deceived like a master) rather than being uncomfortable.  They exit play safely because they trust each other while playing and can leave that permissive world as an if.  And it ends with the blanket fort collapsing and cocooning them.  It is a play space literally being broken, begging the question of how much impact our play can have on our real selves.

Season 6

So basically I think I missed fandom the first time around and just binged on meta and there’s (fanon?) that Jeff spent the season looking for her attention, but Annie had pulled back?  I zipped through a bunch of scenes they were in together, and heartily agree.  Also I think I went a little nutty but What I see:

Annie doesn’t ignore him or anything, but where she might have previously inserted herself in his life, she starts to let him fend for himself while she diverts her attention to other relationships, and treats him more like she does the others.  I don’t think she really does anything like taking his class so she can evaluate his teaching and bludgeon him into being better?  But when they’re in a situation, like City College’s ad, she stands up to him as normal, challenging him to be better and do the right thing, as she always has.  Rewards him with approval when he does, and his whispered “thank you” is the cutest thing ever because it’s an intimate choice in a rather boisterous exchange.

Meanwhile Jeff does seem to spend a lot of time and energy trying to get back to a place where he’s first in her eyes.  There are a lot of shots in S6 a the Table and group scenes that involve him looking at her disproportionately, first, last, or only when speaking, esp when they’re all at the table.  When I went back and tried to do the same to S5 those scenes are set up a bit differently and I saw less of it but I think there’s just fewer group scenes in general though?.  In S6, he often ends a comment directed at the group (non table) by looking at Annie, indicating he wants her response, and thus her attention and engagement.  And often, she is the next person to speak.  Which is her personality as a leader, which supports the idea that while he’s seeking her out, she isn’t necessarily responding to that but just being her. 

Finale

I’ve sort of run myself dry thinking through other things.  And great analysis is plentiful and most recent.  So not even bullet points just ramble But:

Oh3, so when Garrett proposed and Abed noted Jeff had a funny look, he’s been daydreaming marrying Annie for that lone plus longer?  That took me a long time to put together as an actual literal thing.

Oh2, it’s all canon that he has issues with prolonged eye contact because he doesn’t want people to see him broken and he doesn’t break eye contact through any of this.  He knows she knows he’s broken already and is quietly fine with her seeing everything and this is a moment for *sobs*

Oh wait hey, so callback to that bit where she’s like “your words don’t mean anything” and he’s like “That’s what conversation is, people saying things to get stuff.”  Because he’s 100% not trying to get anything by telling her he’s let her go.  And he means a lot by saying it.  And if he said “I love you” there’s an implied sense of obligation to say it back and since he means romantically he can’t do that.  So this is just him letting her know, no pressure, no expectation, that he loves her and has loved her but it’s okay because she’s free and he wants her to be free because he loves her.  And he means it so hard when she says “kiss me goodbye” he’s all “you don’t owe me anything.”

But she does love him too, except she knows she’s in a different place emotionally and professionally.  And it’s sweet and a gift because she doesn’t make this about her but about him and his feelings.  So she preempts his regrets because she knows he WON’T kiss her goodbye unless she invites him to.  There’s something I’m reaching for and can’t find here.  She doesn’t admit to anything because there’s no point?  It would just hurt him either way?  Sharing her feelings through action rather than words?

And so much squee thinking how far everyone’s come for this scene to be a thing which could happen.

Callback to Annie’s marriage fantasy when Jeff has his own.  Hers was external, by her personality (esp at the time of her maturation) and thus public and psychologically working out a reasonable feeling of abandonment as she gave their fictional selves marital difficulties.  His is very internal, and occurs after Abed, always so reliable as a gateway to fantasy, turns the tables on him.  He’s experiencing reasonable feelings of abandonment, and while he runs, it’s to a safe space of “what if,” a coping mechanism he has learned, and which allows for working out of psychological issues.  

It’s dual: in that the larger issue is his need for a sense of stability.  Though he’s staring at the table the scene doesn’t involve Greendale at all, he already had that fantasy.  This is about wanting a life outside of the safe zone of the college.  And while he suggests a dog as an option he imagined a kid because having one represents stability for him - it was his father who left, and he won’t leave.  If there’s a kid, this is a life, Annie can’t leave.  But he offers her imaginary self complete editing powers, because all he really wants is to be able to love and be loved.  It’s indulgence, a desperate grasp at balm because while he let her go, he can’t let her -go.-  He was okay with being close friends, they do love each other as friends.  See his pitch.  But faced with losing that, he’s stripped bare.  He indulges in his supressed hearts desire and is faced with the reality of what he already knows: it’s not in the cards.

And he’s stripped down to insecurities that aren’t limited to Annie.  It’s cute how they jive over Marvel, though it’s weird to me and takes up more time and weird dramatic looking around that doesn’t feel playful enough to be justified.  The tone of their voices is too serious, it’s a mismatch.  I like how he admits the huge thing that he let her go as far as he has control, and suddenly a time pressure is on their alone time.  Everything is immediate right now, everything happening fast.  I wonder what Annie would have said if not for the text.  But that’s the thing, it’s the wrong time for them and this is a goodbye.  It’s too late but just under the wire all at once.

In this chapter at least.  In the safety of the group Annie brings up a season 7, which we all know could happen years down the line.  Would have been more fitting if she said movie though.  Still, he takes that as the comfort in which it was intended.

WTF with his all coed season 7?  Yes, we cut to it so it totally isn’t happening, but has he put his issues to rest and is just fantasizing crap or what?  It makes no sense to me.

I love that he not only puts her first after she invites him to kiss her goodbye by asking “what about you,” but is -asking for consent.-  He doesn’t even move towards her until he gets it, he’s literally just standing back.  What’s up with the penis thing?  Meta reference to shortcut arguments that it’s not true love but lust?  Is it Jeff acknowledging his own cynicism and how he’s dropped it?  Since he’s so clearly not in a lust mode here.  Is he adding a tiny bit of his usual pointed add ins to his speeches?

I guess it’s like...  this is one of his speeches, but it feels out of place because of his delivery?  Which is beautifully subdued and resigned and honest and just defeated, but defeated in the sense that he defeated all the barriers he still keeps around himself.  

and goodbye hug and kiss at the airport.

#community #jeff x annie #meta

[border-spam]

Leech Lord - Trading places

Fun prompt where we took an existing character and gave them another’s life.

Troy with Ven - owned by @hieroglyphix

Troy was 16 when he killed the first time, crushed the man’s throat in that grotesque guardian arm’s fist. 

Eli isn't sure that really needed to happen, but it had been chaos as Sweet and the other rebels had stormed the facility, and maybe things just got out of control. Maybe his brother had justifiable reasons for hating the people in the white suits as viciously as he’d seen in those icy blue eyes while the scientist pinned beneath him had choked out ragged gurgles. Eli doesn't like to think about it. Doesn’t like where it takes him.

Troy thinks plenty.

The world outside those sterilised walls had been bizarre and frightening. Eli flagged so quickly, and they had nothing. No money, no names, no safety. He'd turned to a ratty E-dev and the vision that swam behind his eyes, and found ways to use the "gift" he loathed.

Stocks are easy when you see the patterns. Numbers were always Troy's friends even if he never seemed to have many real ones. Online gambling, shifting accounts to hide profits, losing bets and making poor choices intentionally to throw off the scent... and taking care of those that picked it up.

They made a fortune together over the first few years, enough for medical teams that don't ask questions and machines that replace body parts too Eridium burned to remain functional.

He's not charismatic, he's not a people person, but he cuts a frightening shape in a high rise office and ornately decorated "prosthetic".

Troy and Eli are never known, always stay out of the limelight and avoid needless attention. They live like the functionally mega rich but remain nameless. Escaped Pandora on a licensed shuttle paid for by an account belonging to someone who's never existed and never will, but Troy's always been good with that. Lying.

Eli knows his brother would do anything to give him happiness, that he has done things neither of them ever speak of. He knows he's loved more than anything else in the universe, but there are times he wonders about the choices and actions his brother has taken over the last decade. Times he worries if something is wrong with Troy that he's too afraid to ask about.

Troy loves no one else. He knows no one else. He loves his brother like Eli is the only reason he has to live - and there's something broken about that. He appreciates and adores Troy for how much he's done for them both, really, he knows how much work it’s taken to keep them safe... it's just that he wishes it could been done with less bloodshed.

Tyreen with modern Azriel - owned by @lazulizard

Affluence suited her more than the life she was born into, really. 

Tafeyo was all dirt and wheatfields. Beautiful night skies, but no spotlight. She hadn't belonged there - not entirely, and Tyreen had always felt stunted somehow. Like some part of her was missing in the farmlands. Always felt deep down that she should be in the city, that she should be around so many others, and when her family moved to one she finally found herself.

She's loud, funny, that kind of slightly irritating you put up with because you know they are a good person even if they won't shut the fuck up sometimes. Magnetic and engaging. You remember Tyreen even if you forget her name, she’s got that long lasting presence that brings a smile to someone’s face weeks after they met.

Ty is an influencer with a platform that reaches millions. She tries to be a philanthropist, doesn't need all the wealth wrapped up in her families name and company, but she just.. she makes mistakes quite often.

There's always discourse about Tyreen. There's always drama. She doesn't mean it, she just sometimes says the wrong thing, you know? 

Misunderstood a situation she commented on during a stream, puts her foot in her mouth. She's effortlessly problematic and in a way where it's clear that it's not coming from a place of negativity, she just... never seems to learn.

Tries her best though, is loved by people all over the world. Loves herself too. 

It's nice. 

It's everything she ever wanted.

Seifa with Ari - owned by @artisthicc-nikyri

It’s easier to be who you want to be when you're supported by a family that truly loves what family is. 

She always felt guilt at not being able to provide on the level the other hunters did, but taking a saurian claw to the flesh when you bleed for as long as she always does was never worth the risk. Can’t bring much to a clan when you’re dead. She found easy footing in a different role, a different part of the hunt that suited her a hell of a lot more : trading.

She’s cocky, laid back, friendly and open. No façade with this Seifa because the strength she grew up learning was genuine -  bonds, family, love. 

No act behind how she presents herself, no need! Her natural skills always lay in numbers and supplies, and she’s been the face of the clan in business deals off planet since she was 20, tailored business suits go so well with clan tattoos and bone.

Has a couple of pups of her own with a man who's got one eye and a full heart, he teaches them how to pull wealth from the soil while she's off planet, and their mother teaches them how to pull it from people when she’s home. 

Touches base on Eden-6 at least weekly to restock on pelts and rare components. Ravasaur lenses go for a fortune to Harrier jewellery aficionados.

Happy. More scars and less stress.

News about the COV's rise on Pandora means nothing, not her business, let them sign their own death sentences. That place is a shithole anyway.

Asks are open!

#borderlands #borderlands 3 #bl3 #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #seifa #oc: ven #oc: azriel #oc: arianna #oc: ari #leech lord #my writing #my hcs

[emeraldsiren19]

Open letter to Star Wars fandom post-Tros

The insanity of the SW fandom has truly peaked. And people wonder why outsiders don't touch them with a fifty foot pole. 

There are not enough expletives (btw 'kriff' doesn't exist in the GFFA but that's a topic for another day) in the English language for the disgrace, mockery, idiocy and so on that has permeated what could be an otherwise great fandom. I have been a SW fan my whole life and will continue to be forever, but there are hills I will die on.

All of this "JJ ruined SW forever and Terrio is a saint, etc!?!" bullshit combined with "oh don't pick on poor Daisy..no one told her anything about her character" makes the folks who regurgitate the drivel appear to have their hostility set in the wrong place. No one can possibly believe what they are preaching to be fact.

Everything is clearly mapped out as it happened and nothing is cryptic. It would smash you into the pavement like a bus for how blatant it is. Obviously people believe what they want but presenting lies as law does no one any favors.

JJ.didn't.write.shit. Repeat it out loud as many times as necessary. Everyone and their dog in Hollywood knows that. How he and Terrio are not blacklisted for their extensive career bombs when anyone else wouldn't get away with it remains a mystery. Everyone knows he stole writing credit from lots of people. That's just from SW without the rest of his 'filmography'. Don't ever him credit for being *anything* other than having sand for brains. If you think he's the fucking mastermind behind anything, he's got you exactly where he wants you, wrapped around his finger. That's how hacks operate. He is responsible for the shit editing job of TROS where the editing crew was threatened with their jobs if it was not done in a certain way under a certain unrealistic time crunch. That is why TROS was so choppy and nonsensical, not taking into consideration Terrio's very explicit hate for anything in the franchise not related to Luke or Rey. He is responsible for forcing Adam Driver to do ADR dialogue in his own fucking closet out of sheer vindication. 

There is hypocrisy and disrespect to levels that it's impossible to recover from. DLF went out of its way, above and beyond even, with gaslighting and erasure to destroy the entire franchise in one film. In December, people said they were done with SW because DLF had crushed them and they would never recover but they would still love it.

Funny how that took a spin in the opposite direction since people hate it with a white hot passion. Only SW fandom would choose to not abandon something they hate in favor of unhealthy hatred.  'Fans' directing their anger toward boycotting the entire franchise instead of ignoring the bad film as any other franchise does. It is done with such vocal energy that it has become the popular vote and anyone who doesn't agree with the hate is an outcast. Essentially becoming the angry antis that they claim to hate in the same breath.

And don't even start on the utter bullshit of Rey's parentage. The latest conspiracy theory, advocated by DR herself, would have you believe that she has equal sand for brains and doesn't know shit about her own character, and that Rey Nobody of Jakku was nothing more than Resistance propaganda and never existed. That TFA and TLJ are figments of our imagination and the highly respected Rian Johnson is not only a slave driver but a hack who knows nothing. He knows a hell of a lot more than Terrio and JJ combined. If you seriously believe that Daisy knows nothing about her own character when every other actor knows more than the writers, you're equally conned. Daisy didn't pay attention or didn't care because that meant working, which she bitched about she shouldn't have to do. Like JB, she wants to be seen as the poor abused victim. 

When TFA and TLJ were at the forefront, no one had any issues whatsoever with Rey of Jakku being related to no one. Rian even said as much. But he and George Lucas who created the franchise know nothing. Neither does Lawrence Kasdan and his cowriter Michael Arndt. Lucas explicitly said during PT filming that Palpatine had no offspring, and people who aren't even involved in the fandom know that the Dark Side tells you anything you want to hear. Why the bloody fuck anyone with functioning braincells would take anything that TROS claims to be true as gospel fact "because it's onscreen which makes it true". 

It fucking cancelled 9 previous films and people choose to accept with open arms the same literal pile of shit they said destroyed them over the 9 films that have almost no flaws by comparison. Cancel out any love, family, fairytales, hope, because a shit for brains writer (Terrio) chose to annihilate them to become the tale of St Luke and the Virgin Rey. 

Why? What is the logic or purpose behind the Stockholm Syndrome which DLF initiated that TROS is Gospel Law, everything else is heresy and Rey Nobody never existed? 

I can tell you right now without any doubt that Carrie Fisher and Peter Mayhew are both rolling in their graves at the utter hurricane of disrespect and mockery that has swept over the franchise. George Lucas is likely regretting his choice to sell LF to Disney after the atrocity of TROS. Why are people giving the antis/fanboys whom they claim to abhor as much power as they have? 

That's not even touching any widely publicized offscreen drama involving the actors. Adam made the wise decision to cut all ties. DR and Reylos were harassed by JB. They probably don't recall boycotting him as a result. Kelly Tran was harassed by fanboys and thrown under the bus by JB and JJ. In addition, neither JB nor DR can find work after their stunts (she trashed Adam and Rian at a full cast press conference for making her actually work during TLJ). Now he's hoping people will conveniently forget what an ass he was to everyone. Interesting how Adam, Kelly, and the rest of the cast are having zero issues finding work. 

In a nutshell, Rey may not be my favorite character by a long shot. Kylo deserved better. The Force thought they belonged together. But NO ONE (actor or character) deserved the fucking lazy bullshit copout story that was given to them by hack 'writer' Terrio and 'I can't finish any story' director JJ. Carrie was a script doctor and would have beaten the shit out of Terrio. The extent of her revenge on JJ would be haunting him but he isn't even worth that much effort. 

People have forgotten that or they don't care anymore. At which point move on. But that doesn't give someone license to trash an entire fandom with blatant lies out of spite as retribution. Don't create conspiracy theories that experts (the writers of TFA/TLJ and actors) have explicitly said are the opposite. 

#tros salt #dont support dlf #shame on everyone buying into gaslighting

[elencelebrindal]

Gold Saints Power Ranked

So, according to the conversation I had with my friends, that started the previous post about Shaka, this is the result. I am trying to be realistic here, as much as Saint Seiya can allow me. So, no pot bullshit and no miraculous victory for the sake of the show.

Only five of them are properly ranked. All the other ones fall under the same category, sort of.  Mostly anime based, but there’s a few canon information from the manga as well. I wanted to be as thorough as possible. 

Under the cut so if you’re not interested you don’t need to scroll down like a madman. This is a really long post, and it contains all the stuff I’ve written over time plus the conclusions I’ve got from talking about this with my friends. 

I will hopefully be back with the honest opinions maybe on Wednesday. It depends on what happens the day before. 

#1 Virgo Shaka

“The man closest to god” If this alone doesn’t convince you that he’s the most powerful of the Gold Saints, remember what the premise of this character is.  Eyes closed as to stockpile huge amounts of cosmo, almost a literal deity who has Buddha with him, feared by everyone at the Sanctuary, his “death” shocked every single Saint in a five mile radius.  He used the Athena Exclamation to awaken the Eight Sense and travel to the Underworld, instead of... you know, just being annihilated from existence thanks to the power of the Big Bang. 

He wasn’t the strongest Gold Saint in the past, being overpowered by Aiolos and the twins, but became the most powerful (especially in terms of cosmo) thanks to constant training and refining.  Moreover, he has 13 years of training more that Aiolos, and possibly a good amount of training more than Saga (because come on, you really think he thought about becoming stronger during his tyranny?) and Kanon (was trapped in Cape Sounion for more that 5 minutes, I believe).

All of his techniques are terrifying. His illusions are straight-up dangerous, almost impossible to overcome, and he can get rid of a person’s five and/or six senses in the blink of an eye.  Not even Saga, Camus and Shura, who knew him and were still as powerful as they were before dying, could escape from that. 

#2 Saga & Kanon

Yes, they are more powerful than Aiolos. Why, you ask? Canonically, Saga is the strongest Gold Saint of his generation and the most powerful Saint to have ever served Athena. Kanon is basically the same. They’re not the actual strongest Saints just because it’s really illogical for them to be better than Shaka, and I’m not going 100% canon here, but somewhat 50/50 between canon and “realism”.  And...  Well, they’re been alive for longer. For the same exact reason, by the Hades Chapter, Kanon is way stronger than Saga, even though they’ve been on the same level until Saga’s death during the Sanctuary Arc. There’s no way I’ll believe that Kanon didn’t get stronger during the time Saga was dead. It’s unrealistic. 

They both have incredible mind controlling power, a claim backed up by the Demon Emperor Fist (Saga successfully mind-controlled Aiolia with this, while Kanon did the same with both Lune and Rhadamanthys), and they're able to conjure extremely powerful illusions.  They’re obviously not on Shaka’s level, because let’s not forget what happened to Saga during the Sactuary Arc: Shiryu, being blind at the time, easily defeated his illusions.  And! Kanon was able to trick Saga when he came back as a Specter, even if he retaliated.  The most dangerous technique they have clearly shows their true cosmo, and I’m not talking about the Galaxian Explosion. Sure, that’s capable of obliterating anything and anyone in its path, but it can be countered.  No, I’m talking about their ability to send people in other dimensions.  Saga’s Another Dimension and Kanon’s Golden Triangle (I think this is the English name, I might be wrong) are something to be afraid of. Not even the Thanos snap can compare to that. One second you’re chilling out in your dimension, the other you’re lost in nothingness for the rest of eternity. 

But, in the past, Aiolos was stronger than them. They only got so far, in the present day, because Aiolos died, thus allowing them to surpass him. 

Still on #2 Dohko

To whoever thinks Dohko is not one of the most powerful Gold Saints of this generation... what the hell are you doing!? Seriously, though.  Dohko survived his generation’s Holy War, 100% not out of luck, and is by far the most experienced of them all. Not only that, his cosmo is clearly out of this world. This man, misopethamenos (I had to do a double take on that one) or not, spent two hundred years without using a single drop of his cosmo.  And believe me, even if his heart slowed down, I doubt his cosmo would have simply stopped growing. It was still two hundred years. Do you want me to believe he just stayed there, idly watching, without gaining anything from that much time passing? Yeah, no. 

Still don’t believe me? Saga himself, in the manga, said that he’s the strongest Saint.  Not enough to overpower Shaka, obviously for the reasons stated above, but enough to retain his second place alongside the twins. 

#3 Aiolos

Yes, your heard me right. Third place.  Fair is fair. Aiolos was so powerful that Shion wanted him to be the next Pope. There is no denying that, and there is no denying that canonically he was stronger that Saga.  But... you see the problem, right? Aiolos died in the past. Even if he was the strongest back then, he had no way of keeping his strength going.  I still believe no one, aside from who already was as powerful as him, could be able to become stronger, so that’s the reason he gets third place.

By the time he came back in the Hades Chapter, I saw absolutely no reasons to believe it was still possible to describe him as the strongest of them all. Moreover, I saw no reasons to believe, would Aiolos be still alive, that he could claim the title of Pope as his own.  Realistically speaking, by the end of the show, Aiolos is probably the one with the least experience (having died young this sentence sounds weird) and anyone would be a better choice than him.  But we’re talking about cosmo, and his cosmo gets him the third place. 

#4 Mu

Yep.  Our beloved self-licensed blacksmith gets a spot among the most powerful Gold Saints of this generation.  Why? First of all, his master was Shion. And if you have a good master, you are a good disciple.  Second, he has the strongest psychic powers of his generation. Much like Shion, in fact. No one is better than him at psychokinesis, teleportation and telepathy, and this is backed up by the Sanctuary Arc.  Remember the time Shaka asked for his help because he didn’t have enough power to teleport both himself and Ikki back to Athena’s Sanctuary? Because I do. 

He might not be that memorable, in fact even one of my friends claimed he isn’t that good, but I beg to differ.  Mu is experienced, he had Shion to help him become a Gold Saint, he can repair any Cloth thanks to his skill, and he’s dangerous. Even if the classic series doesn’t give us the impression Mu could be a real threat, the Hades Chapter fixes everything.  The Crystal Wall? Impenetrable. The Starlight Extinction? Oh boy, what a treat. In fact, this technique in particular tells you how versatile Mu’s ability with psychic power is, since he’s able to use it both defensively (aka when he teleported Seiya away from the battle) and offensively (aka when he teleported Deathmask and Aphrodite with the objective to kill them). 

Don’t tell me he can be underestimated. because he will kick your ass into outer space. 

#5 is all of the other ones, in no particular order, because I believe they are mostly on the same level. Well, that... and they haven’t been described as “the strongest” in canon works. 

Milo

Kind of obvious I would still start with him, but at this point you know who my favorite of this 12 idiots is.  Milo’s power is a tricky one. At first it might not seem much, and I’ve been around people who described him as weak, but that’s inaccurate.  First of all, I think many people forget how devastating Milo’s cosmo is, showed to us by the destruction of Andromeda Island, but this is not the point I’m making. 

Rather, I want to focus your attention on the Scarlet Needle.  Which, admittedly, is a scary technique, to the point of Milo not using it if the opponent surrenders.  We know that Gold Saints are not spotless heroes. They kill without thinking twice about it, they’re brutal, they never abandon a fight until someone dies. Taking this into account, the sheer fact that Milo refuses to use the Scarlet Needle on someone who surrenders is enough to make you think about it. It is stated time and time again what the Scarlet Needle is and what it does. One single hit can make the victim suffer tremendous amounts of pain, even if it doesn’t kill. If we say that this technique mimics the way a scorpion’s poison works, it’s even worse because of the effect it could have on the body.  Canonically, the Scarlet Needle causes potentially lethal blood loss on top of agonizing pain, and (but I’m not sure about this) could get rid of the five senses. Moreover, the victim can easily go crazy due to the amount of pain, and I’ve always believed a realistic effect would be an early body paralysis. He uses a technique called Restriction, after all.

Sure, if he doesn’t use Antares, if the victim doesn’t die of blood loss or succumbs to the pain, this technique can be survived. But I don’t think anyone less than a Gold Saint, a Marina General or a Judge could actually survive without Milo’s help. After all, we do see Milo stopping the course of his technique with both Hyoga and Kanon.  The reason why I don’t believe he’s stronger than the average Gold Saint of this generation (don’t forget that all of them are god-tier warriors in any case) is the random chance this technique bears. One hit cannot kill a strong opponent, and even if his entire fighting style is based on quick actions there’s no way for him to predict if every single needle will hit, and there’s no way for him to know if someone he hit with Antares would 100% die. In most cases the victim dies, but they have a slight chance of surviving. 

Camus

Let’s immediately address the elephant in the room. Camus cannot reach the Absolute Zero.  Now, while in my non-canonic works I go the realistic way and make him master this temperature, I will be keeping my logic ass down.  The only thing that makes Camus different from the other Gold Saints is the fact that he uses his cosmo to stop the atoms, instead of manipulating them in other ways. In one word, cold.  There’s nothing else special about him, and I will not be biased by the fact that I love this character.  He is a cold person, he can appear insensitive and strict, but nothing about him tells me he is more powerful than the average Gold. He’s just different, not stronger. 

Obviously, I recognize how dangerous his Freezing Coffin is. If you get trapped in there, it’s over. It might not be deadly (even if it should definitely be, given a normal person is going to suffocate inside a solid block of ice), but it’s something to be afraid of.  However, it has some important weaknesses. One, it’s almost useless against moving targets. It takes too long to create, so encapsulating a person that’s moving around is not happening. Two, anyone who is able to create a lower temperature while being inside it can get out. On a more realistic level, I believe the Freezing Coffin could be an almost instantaneous technique. Camus’ cosmo is definitely able to summon enough cold energy to create one without needing too much time (think about the Freezing Coffin in Saint Seiya Awakening), but! since he’s not actually able to be that fast... you see where I’m going with this. 

Aphrodite

He has the same problem that made me put Milo in the average Gold Saints. I know that he’s dangerous, that his roses are not something to underestimate, but there’s a huge problem with random chance here.  He is said to be one of the strongest among the Saints, and people are terrified of him because of his fighting abilities and personality, but I don’t think he makes the cut to be on top simply because of the fact he mostly relies on items to channel his cosmo. Roses and vines can be effective up to a certain point, cosmo or not.  Even his most powerful technique, the Bloody Rose, can be stopped much more easily than a blow fired with raw cosmo (that is a weird sentence and I know). It can be destroyed before it hits, and a person can successfully shield themselves. I know a Bloody Rose is powerful enough to pierce a Gold Cloth, but it can be stopped. In the end, the effective power of the rose lies in Aphrodite’s ability to use it, but if his opponent knows him or uses a good defensive technique... well, it won’t work.  The vines are similar. Sure, they’re imbued with cosmo, but someone could be able to counteract them, and then what? 

Now, if Aphrodite had one particular technique, one that we’ve seen another Pisces Saint use... things would have been different. I would have believed with no question asked that he deserves to be above average.  What technique am I talking about? Crimson Thorn. Albafica’s unique attack, that he can use thanks (ironically) to his poisonous blood.  That technique doesn’t rely on external items. It doesn’t require roses, or vines, or anything else. Just the blood of the Saint. It’s dangerous because it’s almost impossible to counteract, I believe it to be extremely difficult to be aware of if you’re the opponent, and it’s lethal. That’s pure poison shot straight into your body, with no other media used to inject it.  Unfortunately for Aphrodite (or luckily?) he cannot use it, so the random chance of his attacks is very much still there, hindering my ability to put him at the top. 

Deathmask

Right off the bad, I deeply respect his psychic abilities. Being able to reach all the way to China with his cosmo is not an easy feat. This is similar to what Camus did to sink the ship even more, but ten times more powerful, since he actually took control of Shunrei’s body to make it levitate and fall.  But is this enough to win him the top spot? Nope.

Of course, I’m not saying he’s not powerful. Deathmask is able to snatch the soul off of his opponent body and send it straight to the  Yomotsu Hirasaka. That alone is scary. Imagine if there is a man, out there, capable of pointing his finger at you and BOOM you’re not in the realm of living anymore. Your body id still out there, but your soul is trapped with the souls of the dead, ready to die as well.  The thing is... there’s nothing else about him. Sure, he can use his cosmo to travel between the two places, but we don’t know how powerful he really is.  With us knowing just one technique, and with him not getting that much attention, I have no reasons to say he deserves to be on top.  I have no evidence of him being more powerful than the average.  There is a reason I liked Manigoldo more than him, after all. 

Aldebaran

Ok. Aldebaran is a problem I didn’t account for when writing this.  Technically, he is the strongest of them all. Physically, at least. He might not have that tremendous cosmo of his fellows in the top 5, but he is the most powerful in terms of physical strength.  Because of this, I was conflicted about whether to put him, if above average or among average.  In the end, I decided for the latter. Sure, Aldebaran is an amazing fighter, and could have easily defeated the Bronze Saints at his temple (as stated by Mu, he didn’t fight to his full potential), but physical strength is not the most important characteristic in a Saint. At least, not in a Gold Saint.  There’s a lot of enemies in the Saint Seiya world that are not going to be defeated by using physical strength. And even though I fully believe the physical strength of a Saint can overpower another person’s cosmo, I don’t think that mainly relying on it it’s a successful strategy. 

Of course, betting everything on your cosmo is useless as well, and the Hades’ barrier is a perfect example of that, but there is a threshold you can cross with your cosmo (i.e. someone with a divine or almost divine cosmo would not have a single problem against this kind of defenses, realistically). With physical strength... eh, there’s a limit.  Spiritual power can be enhanced infinitely, I don’t see anything preventing you from doing that other than your own mind, but physical strength is different. I don’t care how powerful you cosmo is, how divine your blood is. Your body has limits than cannot be crossed, even supernaturally speaking.  You can refine your cosmo to the point of being able to break a planet in half, but there’s no way I’ll believe something like that is possible with physical strength, and that’s why Aldebaran is not above average.  It’s amazing that he’s so different from anyone else, but relying on something that is, no doubt, limited... eh, it makes him less powerful.

Aiolia

I can already fell you people coming for me for putting Aiolia among the average Saints. But honestly... can you blame me? I am aware of the “reincarnation of Achilles” thing, don’t worry. And I don’t deny in any way that he’s powerful and that he is undoubtedly a skilled fighter. But he doesn’t stand out that much. I asked some people to give me an opinion of him, and the majority of them said that Aiolia has to be really powerful since his master was Aiolos (like the thing between Mu and Shion), but I have my doubts.  First, Aiolia only trained with his brother for a short time. Second, even though Aiolos was his master, I don’t think it’s accurate to use this as an assumption for Aiolia being more than average. This situation was not a “master chooses his disciple” thing, but a “helping a little brother out” thing. 

Now, on a fighting skills level I think he is above average. There’s no way people started talking about him as Achilles, otherwise. He has a fiery personality, I respect that.  Though, his cosmo is not that out of the ordinary. Sure, he has a shit ton of techniques, much like his brother, but I have no evidence supporting the fact that he could be more that what we see.  I love that he has an healing cosmo, I cannot stress this out enough, and I love that people just tremble in fear because of his presence. But in terms of training he did nothing special, if anything all the gossip about him made it even more difficult to develop a cosmo similar to his brother’s. Like I said, I’m looking at the more logical path here, and it makes sense that his past would have taken away something from him. 

BUT I am absolutely not forgetting what Episode G told me. He can generate electricity with is cosmo, something that could kill gods. Now that’s something that would put him above average, for sure, if you don’t take everything else into account. 

Shura

He was difficult for me to analyze in terms of power, because it’s never actually him fighting with his raw cosmo, but it’s Excalibur. The sword resides in his arms and legs, so technically you could still say it’s him, but I though about it and concluded that yes, he is the one doing the fight, but without channeling his cosmo through Excalibur I don’t think he’d be that scary.  This doesn’t make Shura less than any other Saints, let me be clear. He is the Capricorn Saint, and the Capricorn Saint always had Excalibur to begin with. His capabilities are measured by looking at how skilled he is with Excalibur, not with his raw cosmo.  The reason why it was difficult for me to understand where to actually put him is the fact that Excalibur alone is a terrifying weapon (I know I keep using that word, but I’m honestly stressed out and my vocabulary is lost somewhere in my stress-free life).

As far as we know, every Capricorn Saint has a different level of skill and power regarding Excalibur. Capricorn Izo, for example, as Hyoga said had a stronger Excalibur than Shura. Capricorn El Cid, on the other hand, successfully used Excalibur to kill a minor god, even if aided by Sisyphus.  Shura as well knows the art of this sacred sword by heart, and in Episode G he reached the power of the gods, but this thing is never highlighted enough for me to actually be able to give him a spot among the above average Gold Saints. The majority of the things we know about him don’t spend particular amounts of time praising his power, and from what I can see I don’t want to gift him a spot he probably doesn’t deserve.  Even if I love him.

#saint seiya #i cavalieri dello zodiaco #los caballeros del zodiaco #os cavaleiros do zodiaco #knights of the zodiac #gold saints #gold saint #aries mu #taurus aldebaran #gemini saga #gemini kanon #cancer deathmask #leo aiolia #virgo shaka #libra dohko #scorpio milo #sagittarius aiolos #capricorn shura #aquarius camus #pisces aphrodite #i tag too much i know #dont judge me #i have a small blog

[flutteringphalanges]

Summary: It is public knowledge that Zoe Van Helsing is the last of her blood line. Not to mention that, in a sense, Count Dracula is too. However, after an unexpected night of passion, both their lives dramatically change when Zoe becomes pregnant. Two unconventional parents, one extraordinary pregnancy. What could go wrong?

Rating: M

Pairings: Zoe Van Helsing/Dracula implied Agatha/Dracula

Read on FFN and AO3

A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter! Feedback is greatly loved and appreciated! Love you all! -Jen

                                                  Chapter Eight

It was the blaring of a car horn that brought Zoe back to reality. Her head was spinning as she blinked wearily around, trying to gauge her surroundings. The events that led to this moment had yet to resurface as she realized that she was oddly strapped into the backseat of someone’s car. Trying to sit up, the doctor squinted at the tall figure who sat almost hunched in the driver’s seat. It was dark and the heat was blasting at an ungodly, uncomfortably high level. Where was she and what the hell was going on?

“La naiba!” The familiar voice hissed, hitting the steering wheel hard. “Ticăloși englezi!” 

Zoe’s brows knitted together as she eyed what was causing such a fuss. The red glow of a light. A stop light. They were stuck in traffic. Fighting her dizziness, she managed to prop herself up on one of her elbows. When the back seat creaked in response, the man suddenly whipped his head around. Dracula. He frowned deeply, his expression almost frightening. Try as she might, the doctor couldn’t discern the vampire’s current emotion. Whatever the case, he was less than thrilled. 

“Stop moving and just stay still.” He finally spoke authoritatively. “We’ll be at the hospital in just a few minutes if all of these damn cars get out of the way!” He slammed his fist against the wheel and Zoe could almost swore she heard something crack. “Lay back down.” 

“Hospital?” She mumbled, brows knitting in confusion as she tried to piece together what happened. When she suddenly remembered, her stomach sunk. The pain was indeed gone, but she felt nothing. Was she supposed to feel something? “I fainted…”

“You’ve been out cold for over five minutes.” Dracula replied, faint anxiety lacing his tone. “I didn’t trust the emergency medical services to get to the Foundation fast enough. It seemed only fitting I do so myself.” When the light turned green, the vampire hit the pedal hard causing the car to lurch. “What happened?! Are you in any pain?! I don’t smell blood. But I’m not writing anything off simply because of that.”

Being bombarded with the man’s questions only aided in her growing headache. Not to mention she wasn’t fond of his probable “well intended” kidnapping. She placed a hand on her stomach and focused hard. How she wished they were big enough to where she could be put at ease feeling them move. But he smelled no blood and she didn’t feel wet. Weren’t those obvious signs of miscarriage? If she had only experienced pain, maybe…

“I feel fine.” She managed to muster out a reply. Surprised by how weary her voice sounded. “Just...out of it.” 

“Evidently.” Dracula muttered, rolling his eyes. “Were you feeling ill at all today? Did something happen at your oncology appointment? I knew I should have had Frank gather intel--” 

“Intel?!” Zoe said, her voice suddenly gaining volume. “How...you’re having your dotting lawyer follow my every move now?!” She attempted to sit up, but the motion made her nauseated. “You and I have an agreement, but that doesn’t extend to you spying on my every move!” 

“Technically, you’re keeping tabs on me.” The vampire shrugged. “And I’m only concerned in the well being of yo…” He paused, lips pressing into a firm line. “I’m just taking an interest in the safety of my children and their development.” 

“Oh, I assure you.” Zoe snapped as they pulled into the mostly empty parking lot. “When it comes to them, I take everything into account!” 

“Well if that were the case, maybe we wouldn’t be here.” Dracula said coldly, taking a parking space close to the building. “Stay here while I get you a wheelchair. Try to walk, and I’ll carry you inside. Your choice.” 

The doctor’s jaw dropped as the Count stepped out of the vehicle and slammed the door shut. Unbuckling herself, Zoe’s eyes watched as the glare from the street lights lit up his figure as he walked towards the hospital. Even though she knew it was him, it still was a little eerie. His size was intimidating. Part of her couldn’t help but wonder if the babies would inherit that. That was, if they were still okay to begin with. 

“At least you came to your senses and decided to wait.”

Zoe jumped in surprise at the sound of Dracula’s voice. Apparently, her mind had wandered far enough to where she hadn’t even realized his return. Reluctantly, she allowed him to help her into the wheelchair. Perhaps in any other circumstance, this display of obedience would’ve amused the Count. Yet right now, he felt anything but. 

“If you’re not going to let me get up, at least take my license and insurance card to the front desk and sign me in.” The scientist frowned from their position in the lobby. “And don’t threaten anyone to get me seen faster. If you get kicked out, I’m not going to argue your case to get you back in.” 

“No one could remove me from the premises if they tried.” And for the first time since she awoke, a flicker of a smirk crossed his features. “Public places don’t require invitations.” 

“That’s a real pity.” She snorted, folding her arms over her chest. “I would’ve liked to see what would happen if they did. Would you burst into flames if you weren’t fast enough? Fly backwards…?” 

Dracula gave her a lopsided sneer before taking a hold of her identification cards. Zoe watched him from afar, her hands now resting on her stomach. The longer she sat there in the clinic, the more concerned she began to grow. Before she had tried to push the worry aside, but now it felt real. She sucked in a breath as Dracula approached, her cards in one hand and a hospital bracelet in another. 

“Hold out your wrist.” The vampire said, undoing the sticky side of the band. “They’re going to bring you back in a minute.” When Zoe opened her mouth, Dracula rolled his eyes. “I didn’t threaten them. Based on your medical history and symptoms, they want to get you checked out sooner rather than later. And,” he added lightheartedly. “It just happens to be a slow night. Just our luck.” 

“Right…” She pursed her lips. “Luck.” 

There was something unsettling being in the emergency ward at night. As she was strapped up to machines, an IV placed into her arm, Zoe found herself staring up at the ceiling trying to count the many tiny holes in the tiles. She could feel Dracula watching her from his seat. But much to her relief, he didn’t say anything. When the doctor entered the room--not her usual one, accompanied by a very tired looking resident luggy an ultrasound machine, they both perked up. 

“Dr. Sahli.” The man smiled, reaching out to shake both of their hands. “I hear you had some concerns about your pregnancy?”

“Yes.” Dracula cut in before Zoe could. “There was an incident at work. She fainted for a few minutes.” His eyes flickered onto the scientist. “I thought it best we come here due to the circumstances.” 

“I see.” The doctor nodded, beginning to set up the equipment. “I’ve pulled up your file, Dr. Van Helsing. I think you made a good call coming in.” He muttered something to the resident that Zoe couldn’t pick up. “Any other symptoms besides the fainting?” 

“Just sharp pain.” Zoe admitted, inhaling as her abdomen was exposed. “That’s gone away, but the dizziness is still there.” She stiffened as the gel was squeezed onto her stomach, eyes unable to meet Dracula’s. “Do you think...something could be wrong?” 

“Let’s not try to get ahead of ourselves and worry.” The older man smiled, placing the probe against her skin. Carefully, he began to move it around until the most reassuring sound in the world filled Zoe’s ears. Heartbeats. “Just what I was looking for.” 

The scientist watched in awe as the two little humanoid beings moved about on the screen. At times, she almost swore they were kicking each other. She yearned for the moment where she could feel the movements back. But there they were. Wiggling. Alive. Still blissfully unaware of the world outside. 

“I don’t see any fetal distress and amniotic fluid levels look fine…” Dr. Sahli mumbled, panning across the monitor. “I’d say this was nothing more than a scare. But based on your high risk pregnancy, I’d like to run some tests and keep you overnight.” The man stated, setting the probe down. “Overexertion and dehydration could have some part in what happened. I just want to make sure everything is fit as a fiddle before sending you off.” 

“Am I allowed to stay with her?” Dracula inquired, Zoe throwing him a glare. “I am the father.” 

“I don’t see why not.” The innocent doctor smiled, not noticing the furious stare the expectant mother was giving the vampire. “I’ll let the nurses’ station know once we get Dr. Van Helsing settled.” 

“Oh, and one more thing.” The Count said, causing both the doctor and resident to glance up. “Is it too much to request a room without windows? I have rather sensitive skin, a rare condition, and I think Zoe will rest better with less light anyway.” He gave a wide smile. “I’d much appreciate it.” 

                                                    XXX

“I don’t want to be here.” Zoe grimaced from her hospital bed. “And I don’t like you being here.”

“You’ve expressed that several times now.” Dracula sighed, flipping the page of the magazine he was reading. Family Life. She recognized the title from her visits to the doctor. Cast aside on some table with the hopes that someone would pick it up for a peek. “But as I have clearly stated each time, I have no plans to go anywhere. I’m staying put.” 

“I need to tell Jack what’s going on and let him know I won’t be in tomorrow.” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “And somehow explain that you won’t be. Not to mention that somehow someone is going to have to bring my work to me.” 

“You will be doing no such thing until you’re cleared by a professional.” The vampire replied coolly. “The doctor said you need to take things easy. While I find science positively fascinating, you scrutinizing over papers about lab work you can’t actually go in and physically see doesn’t excite me. You’ll only stress yourself further by fixating on what’s out of your hands.” 

“Since when did you become a psychologist?” The scientist snorted, looking bemused at the vampire. “And a simple laptop would suffice for me to do what I need. I’d just need the proper clearance to gain access to the files and contact the laboratory for a digital copy of the test results…” The more that she thought about it, the further she realized how tedious this all was. “I just need my work computer. That’s all.” 

Dracula stared at her for a long moment, his dark eyes fixed on her face. Then, without a word, he picked his magazine back up and started flipping through it again. It was as if their previous argument had never occurred. In retaliation, Zoe beamed an empty, plastic cup in his general direction. Without even looking up, the vampire gracefully dodged her attack. 

“I should have never told you I was pregnant in the first place.” She grumbled, glowering as he seemingly ignored her. “Then I wouldn’t have to put up with any of this.” 

“I would have found out eventually.” The vampire shrugged, still focused on one of the colorful pages. “I have a way of discovering secrets. A talent if you will. You learn as much when it comes to yourself.” The corners of his lips twitched into a small smirk. “We all have skeletons in the closet, Dr. Van Helsing.” 

“And yours are supposed to be released from their confines!” Zoe shot back. “We have a legal binding contract to work together, and I don’t like games.” She folded her arms over her chest. “Especially right now.”

“Your great, great aunt would be so disappointed.” The Count chuckled. “She was rather talented at chess...well, in her mind.” 

The scientist stiffened at the mention of Agatha. In a way, she felt as if saying the name would summon a demon. Or a ghost to say the very least. Glancing around quickly to make sure they were still alone, she turned back just in time to notice Dracula eyeing her oddly.  

“Are you alright?” He inquired, any reminences of mocking having left his tone. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

“Fine.” She answered curtly. “Just tired.”

“Then try to sleep.” Dracula suggested, setting the magazine aside. “There’s no telling when your lab results will come back and the time of your discharge. You might as well rest as well as you can.” He paused, before adding. “If anything, sleeping will make the time seem to go by faster.” 

“Am I to assume you’re just going to sit there and watch me the whole time?” Zoe inquired, her tone unpleasant. “That is possibly the least relaxing thing you can do for me right now."

"You won't even know I'm here." The vampire assured her as he readjusted his position. "Besides, I think you'd prefer I stay here with you rather than roam the halls of this fine establishment." He gestured to the air. "Who knows what smells might capture my attention. Why, if I remember correctly, I do believe we are over an operating theater. Surgical procedures can be rather bloody…"

Zoe narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't dare."

Dracula gave her fake, sheepish grin. "...Well now, knowing what I can and can't do, I suppose there is no harm or foul taking a quick trip to the blood bank. Technically I wouldn't be harming anyone so there goes any concern for breaching my contract."

"I should've let them destroy the house with you in it when I had the chance." Zoe spoke, fingers digging into the thin fabric of the blanket. "Fine. Be that way if you really are so desperate."

"Oh, there is no desperation." Dracula said with a content smile over his victory. "Just...well intentions…"

"Bite me." The scientist grumbled, letting her head fall onto her pillow.

"Not something I would advise you to say to a vampire." Dracula chuckled, his attention now on a new magazine. "Goodnight, Zoe. Get some rest."

If it weren’t for the twins and today’s exhausting events, Zoe would’ve tried her hardest to retaliate against the Count’s insistence. But her body betrayed her. The tendrils of sleep wrapped around her in a vice like grip. 

No longer could the good scientist fight it as she found herself pulled down into the deep, dark abyss of unconsciousness. So far gone that not even her dreams could reach her. A place lost to her mind. A place lost to her. Only uninterrupted slumber. Something she truly needed. 

                                                      XXX

Uninterrupted. If one considered a few hours of shut eye that. Zoe awoke to the sound of two people quietly talking--which clearly wasn’t soft enough as it woke her up. Blinking back sleep, she made out Dracula standing in the doorway speaking to Dr. Sahli. The vampire’s expression was unusually serious, similar to that of someone trying to absorb a lot of information at once. She noted the file folder in the doctor’s hand, the papers waving inside whenever the man made a gesture. 

“So everything came back normal?” Dracula asked slowly. “No abnormalities?” 

“None.” The doctor reassured him. “We ran multiple tests. It isn’t the cancer or something else. Just as I explained earlier, I think that after ruling everything else out, we can safely assume that what happened to Dr. Van Helsing was as simple as dehydration and overexertion. Does her job have a tendency to be stressful?” 

“Only when she makes it that way.” The vampire replied, rolling his eyes. “So they’re all healthy? Her and the twins?” Even though Zoe was pretending to be asleep, she could feel Dracula’s gaze on her. “These are unusual circumstances.” And he wasn’t referring to her cancer or other risk factors. “Both babies are well?”

“Perfectly fine.” The doctor smiled. “I took the liberty of taking a few extra tests just to confirm. One I noticed hadn’t been done on her files was NIPT--a noninvasive prenatal testing. Since she’s high risk, I wanted to just check a few things out…” He paused. “There were a few things I noticed though.”

Dracula frowned. “I thought you said everything was fine?”

“It is, it is.” The doctor said, gesturing with his hands. “Just some of their genetics...well, they were a little odd. But nothing that seemed amiss. I could do further testing, put in an order for her to have an amniocentesis procedure done in a few weeks. But that carries some risks. And while I didn’t go into depth, nothing I saw was linked to any known diseases or disorders.” 

The vampire nodded his head thoughtfully, processing every word the man said. After hearing the doctor speak about the twins’ DNA, Zoe decided it was time that she woke up. Forcing a yawn, she propped herself up in the bed. Both men turned to face her, the doctor looking rather surprised while Dracula seemed unimpressed. Evidently she wasn’t as good at playing pretend as she thought.

“I’m sorry if we woke you, Dr. Van Helsing.” The doctor apologized. “I was just discussing with your husband--”

“We’re not married.” She interrupted quickly. “Anyway, if these are my results, I’d like to be the one to hear them first hand.” 

“Right. My apologies.” The man nodded, moving over to her bedside. Like the leech he was, Dracula followed close behind. “I’m not sure how much you heard, but all your test results came back clean. I ran some extra labs and saw some unusual genetic...well, I’m not sure what you’d call it. But it doesn’t seem to be anything harmful. I offered to run more tests--”

“That won’t be necessary.” Zoe said curtly, eyeing the folder as if she planned to snatch it at any given moment. “But if I could have a copy of the file, I’d much appreciate it.”

 If there was an oddity in her children’s genetics, it wasn’t anything any medical professional would know about. Vampire DNA hadn’t been written into any textbooks. Zoe wasn’t concerned about them having a condition from these unknown markers. No. She needed to know what she was dealing with. What they had apparently inherited from Dracula. 

“I can have one made.” Dr. Sahli promised. “...There was one other thing I was able to take a look at if you had any interest?” Dracula and Zoe looked at each other before the doctor continued. “I was able to determine your twins’ gender.” 

Zoe looked taken aback. “This early? I didn’t think it was possible.”

“Well, when I ran the NIPT, it allows you to determine the gender based on what DNA found in the bloodstream. Or rather, their DNA found in Dr. Van Helsing’s blood. It’s more complex than it sounds, but that’s besides the point.” He smiled at the two wholeheartedly. “Are you interested to hear?”

Dracula and Zoe looked at each other once again. For the first time, it almost seemed as if the vampire was waiting to hear her opinion. She was tired, but Zoe felt a sense of eagerness begin to bubble up in her stomach.

“I suppose if you have them.” She said after a moment. 

Dr. Sahli grinned. “Then, in that case.” He glanced from one parent to the other. “I’m pleased to inform you that you’re expecting boys.” The doctor chuckled, shaking his head. “And identical ones at that. Quite a handful indeed.” 

And then, like a tsunami, a new wave of emotion hit her.

Anxiety. 

Identical twin boys. 

Two babies with unidentifiable genetic traits gifted to them by their vampire father.

Oh God. 

#Dracula 2020 #Dracula #BBC Dracula #Zoe Van Helsing #Zoe x Dracula #Gemini

[notgonnarememberthis]

find your way (back to me) - chapter four

Merry Christmas Eve! This chapter took an unfortunate amount of time cause of shopping for my little siblings but I finally had the night away from anything to do and was finally able to punch something out. Hope y’all have a lovely, safe Christmas! The next chapter is already written so that’ll be coming soon!

cw - religious content

Gil tries to contain his unease as the lock to the cell echoes in the halls. The pit in his stomach only seemed to grow as he makes eye contact with no other than Martin Whitly himself.

He made Malcolm the promise that he would find Jess, he intended to keep it. No matter the price. They’re nearing the 48 hour mark, only 5 hours away. Malcolm only grows more frantic, analyzing every small detail, Ainsley grows more agitated at her lack of freedom to roam at her own risk. 

Their limited resources are growing thin and the media is chomping at their heels for answers to the two bodies dropped in the park. Since a “letter from the killers” was dropped on the media’s doorstep, the questions of “The Needle’s Eye” haunts his every move. Colette herself collected the letter, but even with their top analysts on the case they’re not sure. Nevertheless every piece of news imaginable had attached to the name and rolled with it. Every print, every broadcast, it’s eating at him.

In other words, he’s desperate.

“Gil!” Martin’s face cracks into an almost jovial smile. One that he witnessed firsthand the vicious nature behind. “I have to say when Mr. David said I had a visitor I wasn’t expecting you. My children haven’t gotten themselves into trouble again have they? Can’t seem to get a hold of anyone these days.” Gil bites his tongue waiting until he exhausts himself. “Where is my boy? Not keeping him from me I hope? Didn’t turn out too good the last time, hm?”

“Dr. Whitly-”

“And I haven’t seen Ainsley on broadcast in two days! I was so happy when they let her back from her sick leave,” he speaks out the side of his mouth with a sly wink. As if they’re sharing some fucking gossip over brunch. “They aren’t questioning that decision are they? Because I can still pull some strings if need be, I mean she was made for broadcasting.”

Gil clears his throat and that seems to catch his attention long enough to get off of the topic, “I’m assuming you’ve heard of the needle’s eye?”

“Oh yes, tragic. Point for creativity though” For a moment, he’s not sure whether Martin means the name or the act itself. The thought tastes like venom in his mouth.

“And you’ve heard that they’ve moved their hunting ground to New York?”

He nods but Gil can see the shift as he begins connecting the dots. He straightens taking exactly three steps closer. Any fake smile or sympathy is gone in the split of a second. “Where are my children?” He asks again, this time the question feels more like a threat. It’s almost accustory the way he bares his teeth. Still he doesn’t waver.

“Malcolm and Ainsley are at the precinct. They’re under strict watch until we catch the men responsible.” Martin relaxes, nodding. “I’m here about Jessica.”

“She didn’t fuck him too, did she?” He barks out a laugh. He runs his tongue across his top teeth with a huff. The comment is a dig and it takes all of his power not to turn it right back at the smirking man.

“Two days ago we found her car at the scene of a wreck. Her driver Alphonso died on impact and we found evidence that she was taken by two men pretending to be paramedics.” Gil delivers the case with the most professional tone he can muster with the anger building in his chest. “The license on the car that caused the wreck matched ones connected to the FBI’s case against the killers.”

He’s not sure exactly what he expected but the laughter booming from deep within startles him. The sound bounces off the walls mocking him to his core. It screams with pointed accusations, his failures to protect her yet again dig in with pointed teeth.

He’s slamming Martin against the wall before his brain catches up to his actions. Anger clenches his jaw, wanting nothing more than to pull every damn answer out of him. The sound stopped with the movement, replaced with a taunting grin that doesn’t make it to his eyes. Martin leans his head back against the concrete looking down upon him. 

He played exactly into what Martin wanted.

He lets go before Mr. David can even open the door, retreating back behind the line in defeat.

He won’t help Gil, even with Jessica in harm’s way. The mere thought brings back to bloody, impulsive rage yet again but he tampers it this time. A lump forms in his throat at the thought of her somewhere; hurt, alone, terrified.

He thinks of Malcolm, eyes hollow with misplaced guilt. Driving himself into the ground until it’s too late. He thinks of Ainsley who would burn the city to the ground to find Jess if she could. He remembers his promise to them. No matter the price.

Gil turns back to Martin, who’s still grinning at him like the devil himself. “Malcolm and Ainsley need you.” He bites his cheek so hard that he can taste the blood in his mouth. It’s better than tasting his own words.

Martin’s jaw drops, for the first time he believes The Surgeon is speechless. He gapes, trying to collect his thoughts a few more times. “The Needle’s Eye, possible religious background. I believe the phrase goes: it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Now, I think that a little harsh but that’s beside the point.” 

“And the other bodies?”

“No doubt connected to the killers, don’t let the ol’ switcheroo fool you. These men believe the rich to be the epitome of sin. Greed, lust, gluttony the whole nine yards. He’s proving a point. Making them choose who lives or dies. Them, or a perfectly innocent stranger.” 

“They’re partners.”

“Clearly there’s a dominant. The one who enacts the brutal killings, and the one who disposes of the victims. The dominant wouldn’t show remorse for the innocents, they’re simply the sacrifice of his mission.” He curses internally because it makes sense. “But there’s a twist. If they choose to live, they die a brutal death. If they sacrifice themselves, the stranger dies. Judging by the news. Jessie’s making the wrong choice.”

“So she’s alive.”

“At least until she changes her answer.” Gil tries to swallow but his throat feels like the desert. Two bodies, who knows if the killer has found a third victim to capture. It’s only a matter of time before Jess makes the connection to the answer the killer wants, at the cost of her life.

The clicking lock draws both of their attention. Mr. David hovers there with a stern look on his face. “You’re needed at the precinct.”

“What happened?”

“Malcolm just punched a journalist.”

“Oh, good for him.” Martin grins. “Don’t tell Ainsley, but a lot of them can be so pushy.” 

He grits his teeth following Mr. David out of the door. This will not help Bright’s case with Colette. She already struggled letting him in on the case in the first place and it’ll be a struggle keeping it that way. He ignores the calls of Martin as he walks down the hall.

“Do visit again Gil! It was lovely talking with you!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The flooding of sudden light makes Jessica wince, hand instinctively trying to shield herself. After god knows how long in relative darkness the brightness stings her eyes. She squints watching a figure in black stumble into view.

“This is all your fucking fault.” Her heart dips as her eyes adjust. His knuckles are bloody and his footprints he leaves are crimson. The thought sinks in all at once. The partner, the one who had just been pleading and arguing with the man about killing innocents. The one who was young and stupid and impressionable was likely dead at the hands of this evil man. “If you weren’t such a stupid bitch!” 

The backhand across her face stings but the aftermath gives her the opportunity to truly see her captor, even through the mask. Her stomach does a flip as she realizes in horror that she’s all too familiar with the black uniform. One she’s had the misfortune of seeing too many times for her liking over the years. One that matches Gil’s long before he was a Lieutenant. The badges and markers are covered or removed but she recognizes it regardless.

The glint of silver catches her gaze next, the knife is clutched in the man’s hand with a death like grip. She wonders briefly if he actually intends to kill her this time. “You’ve fucked up everything.” He spits before bending over to be on her level. “So I’m going to have to improvise.” With his face this close she can smell the cheap vodka on his breath. He grips her chin between two fingers forcing her eyes to meet his. “I’ll just have to get one of your kids. Maybe they’ll make the right choice. Dear mommy or a poor stranger.”

Whatever energy she still has flares in her with her protective instincts. She rears back and smashes her forehead into his nose before he can react. His drunkenness helps the clumsy instincts. The hit makes her head spin and her side ache with a new flare of pain that spreads all the way across her chest. 

It’s almost worth it to see him bleeding.

He yells both in pain and in anger, raising the knife high in the air. She braces for the kill, it would be worth it to spare her children the pain of that choice. One that they would no doubt in her mind, make to save her in a heartbeat. She closes her eyes.

She screams when the knife pierces her leg. She opens her eyes again to see it deeply embedded in her thigh and the man stumbling back away. The lights flick out again as the tears escape uncontrollably. The pain of it chokes her until she can’t help but weap. All of the energy that had taken over to protect her kids flooded out. 

Tipping her head back she let out a final scream. All of her frustration, anger, fears piled into one as she mentally berated whatever higher power was out there. Afterwards with her throat sore and head heavy, she allowed herself to be pulled into the welcoming darkness.

#gil arroyo x jessica whitly #jessica whitly x gil arroyo #prodigal son #jessica whitly #gil arroyo #religious content cw #martin whitly #mr david acting like he aint seeing someone fight martin when he deserves it is my aesthetic ok #he didnt see nothing #fanfic #find your way (back to me) #find your way (back to me) chapter 4 #notgonnarememberthis fics #gilssica #why is the ship name so ugly #why have i tagged that before

[anxietycalling]

how i spent my summer vacation

Or, where the fuck have I been these literal years? (I can’t believe it’s been years.)

I feel like I need to, at some point, talk about everything that happened between now and the point where I dropped off the face of the earth. And, like, actually talk, not that thing I do where I make a joke out of everything. So... I’m doing this up front, so if anyone actually still follows my shitshow of a life, you know what you’re getting yourself into before it’s too late.

Okay. Where to start.

Um, obviously, after the 2016 election I gtfo’d the US. Because I couldn’t legally work in the US at that point, I had pretty much no savings and no money because every dollar I did get went to supporting me and Dash because of the absolute nightmare that happened there. I’m not... mad at her anymore, not quite - I recognize that a lot of actions on both sides were the result of severe, untreated trauma and mental illness, so it’s hard to look at either of us and say that someone was the villain there. It’s hard to recognize when you’re in survival mode that your actions are self-destructive. But, anyway, because of that, I had no choice other than to move in with my parents. Which many of you are aware is not the healthiest choice for me mentally or physically.

And, again, it’s not that my parents are bad people. They’re good people who are trying their best, but there are two factors that lead to me living with them being a terrible idea. 1) My mother has a lot of unprocessed intergenerational trauma due to mental illness that she is still dealing with, and 2) Neither of my parents have ever lived in an urban center, which lends itself to a specific mindset when it comes to dealing with mental illness and LGBTQ+ issues. Which is to say, it’s hard to have a regular dating or sex life when everyone knows your business while your parents are simultaneously trying to pretend you don’t have genitals that they’re uncomfortable with. Also, I didn’t have my license at the time because I let it expire before getting my permanent one, so I was pretty much at the mercy of whoever could drive me places. (I lived in cities before that, so not driving was never much of an issue. I am highly proficient in public transit.)

So living with my parents was this precarious balancing act of trying to do everything they wanted me to do, because they were letting me live there for free, and meeting the demands of my bosses (who immediately demoted me once they found out I wasn’t planning on living there forever), and trying to have a social life outside of my family. And, like, I had just come out of the closet, so I was also trying to date without my parents finding out, because, like? It gets exhausting trying to explain why you have a right to exist and love who you want to love and I tend to get defensive when I feel like I have to justify myself. But all that secrecy really wears on you. I think in the worst of it I was probably sleeping 3-5 hours a night between the anxiety, having to walk or wait for rides everywhere, and staying up late enough after my parents went to sleep to try to meet guys on dating apps. 

Dating apps when you live in a rural area are the worst. Not only is there a limited dating pool to begin with, it sucks when someone ghosts you and then re-signs up for the same dating app using a fake name and you catch them at it. I get it to some extent; people are afraid of being outed, even if on paper we’re one of the premier retirement destination for gay couples near Toronto. (Read: affluent, white, cis gay men.) It’s gotten better in the last couple of years, but... Yeah, there just was nothing for me there. 

Obviously I had to widen my perimeter for who I was willing to date, and that’s how I met Husband. Completely by accident. My phone provider was out one day, so I didn’t get any messages from anyone for almost 24 hours while I was figuring that out. His message to me was one of the ones that got pushed through when my phone service restored itself. (I still, to this day, don’t know why or how this happened.) And there was nothing there that was inherently like, “Hey, you’re going to date and then marry this guy,” other than the fact that he actually put effort into his message instead of sending “hey” over and over again to get a response. But he was funny, and he was charming, and we fell for each other really quickly. Pretty soon all my money (which, again, limited, because the awful ladies I worked for decided I wasn’t leadership material even though they gave me no training or direction, ever) was going to taking the train here pretty much every time I had a day off from work. And I was lying to my parents about it, because they decidedly do not like or approve of dating apps or internet friendships in general.

Something happens in relationships where one or both of you are chronically ill. There comes a sink-or-swim moment in the relationship where you either step up and deal with the shit that happens, or you realize you can’t handle the intensity or uncertainty of it, and you gtfo. And... obviously, I chose the first option. Pretty much immediately after my first visit (as in, I was still on the train) Husband calls me, because his doctors are afraid that he has cancer. I go home, work exactly one day and turn the fuck around and go back so we can meet with the hematologist and find out whether he has bone cancer, Jesus fuck. Thankfully, it turned out that he didn’t; it’s something that comes up a lot because he doesn’t have a spleen and that, apparently, makes it look like you’re dying a whole lot. We ended up moving in together a month later because living at my parents was making me suicidal, which isn’t the greatest love story of all time, I know, but I had wanted to move out anyway and living with him was a much better option than random roommates.

I didn’t talk to my mother for... a month and a half, after I moved out. She kept trying to contact my friends on Facebook one day and I was ready to freak out on her for being controlling or something. Turns out, my biological father died. At the time, I was calm. Like, I wasn’t surprised - he had nearly died of alcohol-induced cardiac failure before I moved to the US, and it’s not like he had done anything to make his situation better - but it turns out I was actually in shock, I guess. The whole situation was fucking terrible; not because he died but because it kind of cemented that my only value to his side of the family was being “the only granddaughter” and not that they gave a shit about me as a person. They misgendered me in his obituary; they spelled my brother’s girlfriend’s name wrong.

I think the worst part is that they tried to make his celebration of life thing about how great he was as a person, though. And, like, I’m sorry, but great people don’t molest their children, or their children’s girlfriend. They don’t have sex in front of their children with their children’s physical abuser. They don’t make their teenage child in charge of being the sober adult when they want to go drinking. They don’t let their partner physically abuse their child when that child tries to get them both help for their drinking. They don’t trap their kid on a boat for a week with a creepy adult male stranger and freak the fuck out when that child has their first anaphylactic reaction to a novel food 20 kilometers from land or the nearest hospital. They don’t call that child on their birthday every year to remind them what a woman they are and always will be when they were the first fucking parent I came out to. 

Actually, no - the worst part of him dying was that I had to deal with his hellbeast girlfriend afterward, because apparently there was money for me in an RESP that he had never cashed, but all that got me was a shady financial representative who repeatedly wanted my mother and me to break the law over it. Like, my mom got her lawyer involved and everything, and once the legal letterhead came out the financial dude dropped off the face of the earth, stopped answering my calls and I never got my thousand pity dollars. 

And, like, things were okay for a little while after that because Husband and I were close with our roommates up until the point where it became clear that one of them had severe, untreated borderline personality disorder. I’ve lived with someone with BPD before; I’ve lived with a hoarder before. I was not prepared for the level of hoarding that this woman could produce. Or just, like, generally weird and shitty behavior and refusal to seek treatment for her condition. We tried everything we could think of, but ultimately we had to have secret meetings outside our house with our other roommate (who was dating her at the time) to figure out what to do with her. The things we found out... I’ve never wanted to genuinely harm a person before. Because she had been r*ping our roommate for months, and convincing them we didn’t want to be their friend, and using all their money because she wouldn’t go to work or apply for welfare or do the bare minimum required to be a human being. We had to get her removed by the police (who I do not advise contacting unless there is genuinely no other options) and the police acted like it was a typical roommate squabble even though we had fucking proof. So, anyway, we had to contact hell roommate’s parents and sister, and do all the packing to get her shit out of our house.

I will add that there were a few golden months right after hell roommate moved out. We got very close with remaining roommate, and it was nice, but then they started dating their current boyfriend and it just got... uncomfy for everyone somehow? They never outright said they were dating him, it was weird, one day they were like “Hey, I have a friend coming over!” and then he was just... there all the time? And they never told us they were dating? And, like, I’m happy for them, they’re great together and genuinely like each other, but it was weird. It was uncomfortable when we had to have the “We want to move out” conversation, too, because originally we had wanted to move to a bigger place with all of us, but ultimately we ended up keeping the apartment.

So that should have been fine, right? Especially since they moved in with one of Husband’s friends. Except that that friend turned out to be secretly awful and took advantage of everyone around them, and accused good roommate of being secretly racist and a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t true. (Trust me, good roommate would rather sever their left leg than do something that would hurt someone’s feelings.) And, like, I’m sorry, but you can’t use your master’s degree in social work to push around people who you know freeze during confrontations and have memory issues due to trauma, and then turn around and lead healing from trauma workshops. No. You’re a garbage human being who deserves to step on a thousand Lego. (Legos? Anyway.)

OH. Right. Before that, I had surgery. I had surgery and then pretty much the day we got home from that, the pandemic happened. At the beginning of it, good roommate and a woman who would later become one of our best friends came to stay with us because, again, horrific garbage pile of a human being in their house. Recovering from surgery took forever - I still don’t have feeling back 100% in my chest - but thankfully I was better enough by the time they moved to be somewhat helpful there. (They were incredibly smart and hired movers. We were pretty much there because we had just bought a car and could move breakable stuff.) 

Ugh. God. Sorry, I have to jump back to 2018 for a second, which is when I was diagnosed with OCD. Like, officially, I mean. It was probably pretty obvious to everyone who wasn’t me, but I always kind of thought that since I wasn’t on My Mom-level germophobic, there was no way I could have it. Uh! Turns out! Normal people don’t cry when a garbage bag that is clearly about to be taken outside touches the floor while they are putting their shoes on to take said garbage bag outside. So... I take pills now. And go to therapy. Which is very expensive. But, yeah, my symptoms were pretty fuckin’ bad then. And continued to be bad - like, bad enough that I had to quit my job in 2019 because my bosses weren’t taking it seriously enough or even listening to me. (It’s Mcdonald’s, it’s chill, they ruin or fire all their best employees.) 

Okay. Back to now. Pandemic! School! Suffering through all my pre-requisites so I can take actual interesting classes! Somewhere in there we started watching Twitch streams - I think it was because Husband found out Felicia Day streamed, and he loves her, and it kind of spiraled from there? But anyway, I somehow ended up part of this weird, delightful community that’s genuinely nice and non-trollish, and now I stream sometimes. Or attempt to stream. Or attempt to keep a regular schedule. It’s nice, though, to feel like there’s someone to hang out with when you pretty much can’t leave your house. There’s a sense of normality to being in a place at a specific time and seeing specific people. And Twitch has given me a lot of ideas on research topics I’d like to pursue in grad school. 

Like I said, it’s been a pretty mixed bag. There have been some really bad parts, but there’s a lot of good stuff that happened too. I just. I miss Old Me a lot, lately. I miss who I was before all the trauma. (I mean, obviously not all the trauma, because I don’t miss being a literal child, but like... 18-23 or so.) 

I think this might be the most I’ve written outside of a school context in actual years. Part of me keeps thinking about adding in APA formatting, but uh. You can’t really cite something when it’s just memories inside your own head. Anyway. I need to work on liking myself more, and working through some of the baggage that goes with trauma, and... I don’t know. It’s nice to have an outlet that’s not my husband or my cats. (Again, Husband is awesome, Husband is amazing, but we’re around each other 24/7 right now. I think he deserves a break sometimes.) 

So... Yep. Thanks, if you made it this far. I promise not all my posts are going to be like this. I just figured, if you were going to stick around, you probably deserved to know what happened while I was gone. 

#personal

[princeofchronicpain]

I’ve been getting a lot of advice lately from people who are concerned about my wheelchair use. They said it could have “permanent negative effects” on my health to be “using one when it’s not ideal for the person’s diagnosis/doesn’t fit correctly”. Other people have told me that using a wheelchair that isn’t prescribed is the equivalent of self-medicating. My parents are firmly against it, saying that it will only weaken my body. If I just stoped eating this, or started eating that, or did such and such exercise, or stopped “pretending it’s worse than it is”. It’s really frustrating, because they don’t understand how badly I want to just follow their advice and have everything go back to the way it was before the pain.

The reason I know I have a chronic pain condition (aside from the chronic pain) is because I went to a neurophysiologist 3 times. The first time, he did all his poking and prodding and asking questions. The second time, he did a few different tests, told me it was fibromyalgia, and prescribed me Cymbalta. “You’re too young to be using a cane,” he told me with his warmest smile. I agreed with him. The third time, I told him that the pills were giving me too many negative side effects, and that I was going to stop going to him because even though he was in-network for my insurance, $160 per visit wasn’t affordable, not to mention $300 for the cost of the tests. In two months, I had to shell out more than $600. And I haven’t seen a single physician of any kind since then, which was in 2018. I can’t afford to, between my endocrinologist and my psychiatrist. Living with my mother means that her income is too high for me to qualify for government healthcare, and her insurance with her job is... well, as you can see from the $160 for a single visit, it’s not great. And boy has my health only gotten worse.

I couldn’t work part-time as a Greeter at Walmart anymore because it was too physically exhausting. I couldn’t stand for 8 hours every day. I would go home and cry. I would got to the bathroom after an hour of my shift and cry. I couldn’t sleep because of the pain, and my days off didn’t make the pain decrease. Probably because I was also a full-time college student. I started using a cane, and couldn’t quite decide if it was helping very much in terms of pain, but at least it helped me stay upright when my knees would sometimes suddenly buckle. They will just decide to stop working for 1 second, but that’s enough time for me to fall, and it happens several times a day. Then I went from a cane to a rollator walker. It helped that I had something to sit on when waiting for the bus, but none of the bus drivers would let me use the “wheelchair” lift, so I had to carry my heavy walker up the stairs, which was painful. Whenever the bus became standing room only levels of full, there was nowhere for my walker to go except pushed up against my legs by the person standing in front of me, especially hurting my awful knees. And then the walker wasn’t enough. I couldn’t stand for even short periods of time without quite a bit of pain. I didn’t want to get a job, or keep going to college, or go to the mall, or even walk my dog around the block. Right now my wrists are killing me from typing this.

I want to be a secondary social studies teacher, so I decided, I need to get a wheelchair. I need to be able to sit while I teach and move around with less pain. I got a cheap one off Craigslist and did my best to hide it from my family, then beg them to let me keep it when they discovered it. My chronic pain is full-body, but my legs are the worst so it was an alternative I wanted to at least try. I have been struggling to find a school at which to do my student teaching, since none of the schools that my college has agreements with are wheelchair accessible. One school even has a wheelchair ramp that leads to a door with a step! All the teacher’s bathrooms have steps, too! Who approves these things? I’ve been working as a substitute teacher, and can’t use a wheelchair doing that. In K-8 (where most of the subbing jobs are), you have to be able to lead the kids up and down the stairs, and anyway all the elevators in the school district require a key they don’t want substitute teachers to have access to. And none of the classrooms are maneuverable in a chair or walker. So, cane and pain.

All of this to say, I know using a wheelchair is probably going to ruin my body. I have to stand and walk around every hour or so, otherwise the pain in my butt and joints is unbearable. But what’s the alternative? To sit all day on my walker or a chair anyway? To have so much pain in my feet and knees that I pass out? I’ve completely abandoned over-the-counter pain medications. They don’t put a dent on my pain at all. I’ve had no luck with all the Cymbalta/Lyrica type of medications, which I’ve taken thanks to my psychiatrist being just affordable enough with my insurance. I go to the mall and museums with my girlfriend in a wheelchair, which I never would have dome with the walker let alone the cane.

I’m at my wit’s end with all of this “using the wheelchair could permanently damage your health” nonsense. My health is permanently damaged already, that’s what a disability is! That’s what chronic pain does! It sucks all the joy out of your life as you become confined to your house! Don’t get me wrong, the wheelchair isn’t perfect. The butt and joint pain is bad, and my arms aren’t very strong, and roads and sidewalks are awful where I live, and I don’t own a car or have a driver’s license (since I am unemployed and can’t afford a car). But at least the wheelchair allows me to go places with my girlfriend again. I always have a place to sit, and my girlfriend pushes me when I get too tired or the roads are bad, and I go to the bathroom to stand up and stretch (I’m terrified of standing up from the chair where people can see me and try to start an argument).

What can I say except what other choice do I have???

#long post #rant #invisible disability #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #fibrowarrior #fibro problems #fibrosucks #fibrofighter #cane #wheelchair #walker #mobility aids #disability #pain #physically disabled #disabled problems #disabled rights #disabledlife #spoonie #chronic illness #chronically ill #chronically sick

[notanathleteslungs]

The Dragon Prince and Siblings

As a little sister, I’m really happy, but probably have no special reason to be, with how many siblings are featured in the show.  They’re showing all aspects of siblings, not just Tumblr’s favorite--you know, the ‘I can beat on my sibling but if you do you go through the seven levels of hell’ relationships.  This got pretty long, so if you’re interested in how I see sibling dynamics in TDP, click the Read More.

TLDR; the sibling dynamics in The Dragon Prince are amazing and I’m living for them.

Thick-As-Thieves Siblings

I’ll organize this a bit more from the original rant.  The first pair we’ll go over is Amaya and Sarai.  Yes, we only saw one episode of interaction, but that one episode was enough for me to see parallels between Amaya and Sarai and me and my older sister.

Amaya and Sarai probably had Tumblr’s favorite dynamic as kids.  They seem close enough in age that they probably ran rampant around the house fighting.  They were probably like Sour Patch Kids to each other--throwing fists and insults one minute and the next they’re hugging and playing together like nothing ever happened.  This probably developed into an incredibly close relationship where they’re almost one person, able to read each other super well.  There are probably little to no barriers between the sisters, if the signed conversation between them is anything to go by in 2x06 and 2x07 with the Magma Titan.

This is the kind of relationship I have with my sister now.  We snipe and snap at each other, yes, but those snipes and snaps are outweighed by comfortable silences and cuddles on the couch.  We talk and we laugh and we quote movies at each other.  We talk about what books to read and what books to buy and what band we’re going to see live.  We are super close despite, or maybe because of, our fights when we were younger.

Holier-Than-Thou Older Sibling

Next we’ll tackle Janai and her sister, Queen Khessa.  Khessa seems to me to have a holier-than-thou attitude toward her little sister.  She seems to think that, because she is queen and Janai is a soldier, Khessa is better than Janai, like she’s on a higher level.  I get the feeling that Janai might be sick of this attitude, but she still loves her sister anyway.  The knee-jerk reaction to go fight Aaravos when he kills Khessa speaks to this undying love, along with her agonized wails when Amaya stops her.

This is another dynamic I’m familiar with.  When we were little, my sister went through this phase where she didn’t really want anything to do with me.  Younger than that, she would tell me to walk single file on the walk to school and insist that she walk in front of me.  My sister is four years older than me.  She knows a little of what it’s like to be an only child, but also can barely remember that.  There’s a bit of that only child feeling lingering in the back of her mind, but she is a sister, so that only child feeling translated to a holier-than-thou attitude when we were young.  But we still love each other so much we’d want to do something if the other got hurt or bullied or something.

I remember one day I came home from school and I just started bawling.  My sister grabbed my favorite stuffed animal and put on my favorite movie at the time, Zeus and Roxanne.  She did everything she could to get me to stop crying.  I remember another time where I just got my license.  I was a senior in high school and for some reason the car had to go to the shop.  We just got it back and I went to park the car so I could run in the pharmacy.  I ended up ramming the passenger headlight into a phone pole.  I called my mom, frantic, and said I just wrecked the car.  She comes and gets me, calls the car to be towed, and takes me home where my sister’s waiting.  I’m just on the edge of tears and my sister says, “I think I have something to cheer you up.  I never thought you’d one-up me,” talking about how she put the same car in the ditch on my grandparents’ road (and spawning a perpetual paranoia of driving with her on that road but that’s not the point).  I broke down and she didn’t let me go until my breathing steadied.  One last example is when my mom and sis were dropping me off for my first move-in weekend of college.  I’d never been so far away from home before for any extended length of time on my own without anyone I knew.  We walked up the hill (not so fondly nicknamed Cardiac) to the parking lot and I started crying on Mom and sister’s shoulders.  This time, they let me cry, but stayed there the whole time until they had to leave.

My sister may act better than me sometimes, but I know she loves me and I love her just as much.  If something happened to either of us, we’d act just like Janai.

We’re Not Close But I Still Love You So Much And Don’t Want To Hurt You

Soren and Claudia’s relationship is one I’m not as familiar with, but I still appreciate TDP showing because it’s a very real relationship that I can see in my roommate and her brother.

Soren and Claudia are not as close as Sarai and Amaya, or even Khessa and Janai.  They aren’t very alike in attitudes, senses of humor, or even interests.  Soren is a fighter, willing to protect what he loves with his fists.  That’s why he’s a soldier.  He also makes bad jokes that people get but no one appreciates.  He has an idea of right and wrong.  Claudia is not as strong.  You can tell she’s not a physical fighter.  She’s more intellectual, choosing to read books instead of play fighting dragons.  Dark magic is perfectly suited to this.  She is quirkier, not getting her brother’s jokes really at all and makes jokes that no one seems to understand.  Because of the dark magic, her idea of right and wrong are a little fuzzier.  You can tell that Viren has also played a part in Soren and Claudia’s relationship as he seems to favor Claudia over Soren.  He has more patience for Claudia, who practices dark magic like him, and less for Soren, who is more focused on physical appearance (mentioning he likes the workout from jogging up to high meeting places) and serving the king (asking what to do if he finds the princes alive).

It’s easy to see that these siblings aren’t as close in season 1; but season 2 does a lot to expand on their relationship, showing that although they may not be close, they do love each other a lot.  Claudia mentions in 2x08 or 2x09 that their mother gave her the choice of staying with Soren and Viren or leaving with her to go back to Del Bar.  She then takes back that choice at the obvious grief it’s putting Claudia through.  She takes back that choice because Claudia can’t bear to choose in her family.  In season 3, we see the clear differences between Soren and Claudia’s thinking.  Soren is a soldier, honor and duty bound to serve the king.  He also has a conscience and knows that what Viren is doing is wrong.  So he leaves.  Claudia sees him leave and wonders why.  She doesn’t see what Viren is doing as explicitly wrong; she’s a dark mage, she knows that dark magic can do things that would horrify others.  She still loves her father and is probably a little blinded to his darker side by that love.  So when Soren sees what his offer of leaving is doing to Claudia, he takes it back just like their mother.  They may not be as close as even Khessa and Janai, but he still doesn’t want to hurt his sister, and making her choose between him or Viren would hurt her.  This is a dynamic that is all too real along with hating your siblings or just feeling ambivalent toward them, and it’s one that I can appreciate TDP showing.

Pride and Protection

Callum has a fierce protective streak when it comes to his brother and he’s also super proud of him, probably for his maturity and also his abilities.

I actually had to look up the ages between Callum and Ezran because Callum acts like he’s so much older than Ezran.  Callum is only fourteen (and three quarters) and he is protective of his brother like Ezran is younger than ten years old.  This fierce protectiveness is something I’d expect from someone at least seven years older than their sibling.  However, it might have something to do with the fact that Callum is common-born while Ezran is born a prince.  Callum is more aware of his brother’s position than Ezran, so he knows that he needs to protect him.  Exhibit A: he claims to be Ezran when Rayla comes to assassinate him.  Callum knows that in the eyes of the kingdom, Ezran’s life is more valuable than his own, so when someone threaten’s Ezran’s life, it’s Callum’s job, as his older brother and as not-really-a-prince, to make sure Ezran grows up to be king.  Exhibit B: at some point, Ezran and Callum are separated and when they’re reunited, Callum asks if he’s okay and does a check similar to a parent looking over their kid for open wounds and broken bones.  This kind of care is something I’d expect from a large age gap, not less than five years.  My own sister (four years older) didn’t really act like this with me.  Now she might, but now when we were fifteen and eleven.  When we were eleven and fifteen, my sister would push me to the inside of the sidewalk so she was closer to the road.  She was self-sacrificing, yes, but not parental.

Callum is also extremely proud of his brother.  I think, despite the circumstances, he’s proud that Ezran was able to make the choice to go back to Katolis and take the throne, giving up on the exciting adventure of journeying across the continent into a different country to take care of their people.  This shows a maturity many ten year olds don’t have.  The fact that Ezran, at ten years old, was able to make this decision has to be a point of pride for Callum.  It may have been a joke, but in 3x08 when Ezran goes off with the dragon to find more reptilian backup, Callum says, “Look at my brother, all grown up and riding dragons.”  It probably was a joke, but you know he’s immensely proud of his brother and what he can do.  Ezran is willing to cross a tentative and tense peace and act together with magical creatures that could kill him in an instant to protect Xadia, Zym, and the dragon queen.  Again, for a ten year old, that is bravery beyond imagination.  Callum is almost bursting with pride for his brother.  My sister has told me, only once but that was enough, how proud, but also jealous, she is that I’m going off and getting my degree.  She didn’t bother getting a degree because she’s an animal groomer.  My cousin got her degree, two technically, in business management and culinary; however she stayed at home and went to a local school.  I’m a hundred and twenty-five miles away from home getting a degree in my passion.  My sister is jealous that I was technically the first to leave home but also proud of me for having the courage and determination to do that.  She has the same pride in me that Callum has in Ezran.

In Conclusion the sibling relationships in The Dragon Prince are something I have a huge admiration for in how they’re portrayed and how each one is a slightly different side of real siblings that I can relate to.  I can’t wait to see how this plays out in the future.

#tdp #the dragon prince #sibling dynamics #I just noticed this today and can't quite get over it yet #I love it #it's perfect