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am-i-the-asshole-official · 4 months

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AITA for pretending my original fictional characters are my "friends" for the purpose of asking questions online?

Alright, so hear me out: I'm a writing hobbyist, I run a long-term D&D campaign, I like writing characters a lot and sometimes do it even outside of any stories, you could even say that it's my passion. Whenever I create a character that would have experience with something that I don't, I try to experience that thing myself, or if I can't, I ask others online about their experiences to make sure I can write my character accurately.

Here's the problem: back when I used to ask questions online from a writing/creative perspective, I felt like a lot of them concerning more controversial topics were getting dismissed and I got a lot of unsolicited writing advice unrelated to the original question. The most infuriating were always "You shouldn't write a character like that." or "You should change this integral part of the character to remove the issue that you're having."

Now, you can have whatever opinions you want about writing certain aspects of characters, but I would kindly ask you to shove them up your ass. I firmly believe that you can't judge a character accurately merely by their character traits written down in a vacuum, the execution is what really matters. One trait that could be seen as problematic when written badly can really enhance the character, story and it's themes if incorporated correctly. I'm not going to remove integral story-relevant characteristics of my OCs, and I sure as hell am not gonna delete them entirely just because an internet rando didn't believe that I could do them justice. Literally the entire reason why I'm asking these questions in the first place is because I'm trying to be as respectful/accurate to your culture/ethnicity/sexuality/gender/religion/disability/anything else. I GENUINELY want to learn and understand, so why don't you at least try to give me the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming it'll be done terribly?

Anyway, to give some examples of the questions that I've asked that were met with this kind of response:

"How would you write an autistic character who uses ASL but doesn't like to emote with their face?" (Was told to simply "make" the character like using their face even though it would go against how their other symptoms interact with each other, plus it would change how other characters view them and thus the story itself)

"What kind of slang would a black character raised in Brooklyn use?" (Was told to not write a black character using slang as a white person.)

"How would a Muslim character go about leaving their religion after losing their faith?" (Was told that the mere idea of an ex-muslim person was offensive)

I don't know if other writers also struggle with this, or if I'm just the unluckiest and always attract those kinds of people somehow, but after having to deal with it way too much I simply started lying and pretending that my characters are real so people would stop questioning my writing choices and just focus on answering my actual questions. For example, instead of the three questions above nowadays I would ask:

"Me and my Autistic friend are learning ASL together, but she doesn't like making expressions for sensory reasons. Is there anything else she can do?"

"What are some examples of actual slang used by black people in Brooklyn? My friend is from there but he likes to mess with me by coming up with fake words and pretending like they're slang, at this point idk what to believe."

"My friend lost their faith and is planning on leaving Islam. They don't have access to internet due to their parents so they wanted me to ask about what could be the possible consequences and how go about the process, or even where to start."

Also, obviously, I do way more research than just these questions, but I also really want to know the opinion of people in these communities about these topics and the discussion that develops from it. That's not something that simply reading a book or an article on a topic can give you and I believe that interacting with the community itself is an important part of properly portraying characters that belong to them as well. Still, a few of my friends told me that it's kinda shitty of me to lie in this way, especially when the end goal is to be respectful about certain traits yet me lying to these people is a sign of disrespect in their opinion. Personally I don't see it that way, I simply want people answering my questions to treat them seriously and if presenting them as real scenarios is what gets them to do it I feel like I have no choice, it has nothing to do with the respect I have for the communities in question.

Also, if this matters at all: 90% of my writing is entirely personal and will never be published in any way at all, the other 10% being the writing that I do for my D&D campaign which only my players get to witness.

So, with all of that out of the way, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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zinya · 1 month

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Obey me MC have an existential crisis

Hi, sorry I have lots of exams at the moment so writing is not an absolute priority. I've been thinking about this one for a while but I don't know if we can call it Headcanons, maybe more of a little Scenario. I can't find a good title apart from an MC who was originally a scientist, I myself am a future geneticist and I must admit that if I were to fall into devildom with magic it would make me ask a lot of questions .I am not an expert in religion so I apologize in advance for any confusion or inconsistencies I find, the goal being not to insult or offend anyone.

Mc at the table with all the boys :

Mammon- "Yo human you could respond when the Great Mammon speaks to you! What's going on for you to be in the moon like that?"

Mc- “Well when I was in the human world I planned to become a scientist later, But now I think it's falling through "

Satan "Why? I can always find you books on this theme if you want to continue studying it."

Asmo “That’s true, no matter where you are, you have to do what you like.”

Mc "That's not the problem, I brought back lots of my manuals the last time we went to the human world with Barbatos but it's just that if I stay here what I know best to do will be not of much use...."

Lucifer: “What do you mean by that?”

Mc-"Well, is the theory of evolution really correct? Or is it God who created us? There really was Noé ( Sorry I only know the name in French ) and an ark who saved an male and a female from each species because in this case the genetic diversity should have made all the species die "

“And then I thought, but if we get married, darling, my father-in-law is God? And if we have children, is God their grandpa? "

"Then I don't see any useful profession, if we want to know the origin of life I'm practically certain that Barbatos will find me the book at the royal library in the blink of an eye, I can't even do chemistry because yours is done with magic formulas. Even beauty products are made like that "

"I couldn't be a doctor, demons don't heal like we do and not as often.

All this to say that what I learned during more than 2/5 of my life should be thrown in the trash here."

Levi- "I've had existential crises before, but one like this...."

Lucifer “It’s true that I’ve never taken the trouble to think about that, I wouldn’t do it at Diavolo to see if it can be done, it would be a real waste to throw away so much knowledge I'm sure Diavolo and Barbatos could ask you to write down what you know when the exchange program will gain momentum we should be able to take care of humans ”

Satan "If you want, I would like you to teach me more about your classes, if you can talk about it with someone, that will always be the case and I might be able to answer your questions."

Mammon "Don't worry about that, you're great, funny, intelli- Finally what I mean is that it's normal for humans to be more useless but don't worry, The Great Mammon will help ya "

Asmo - "Honey, don't worry, your knowledge is very useful, the cosmetics of the human world have nothing to envy of our world, they are sometimes even better... too bad I can't have more.... "

Belphie "Maybe Solomon can help you better than us after all even if it's hard to see he's human "

Levi - “Then in science you also sometimes do a little computer science and programming for video games,You rarely get lost and always offer me a good solutions when I can't fix the WiFi."

Mc- "Thank you boys, that's nice, don't worry, it was just a thought like any other, and learning magic is pretty fun too "

Beel * Nod and eat *

I don't know who the drawing comes from if you have your name/account don't hesitate to tell me , As always sorry for the spelling mistakes I don't speak this language originally.

Really sorry for Beel but I really imagine him eating and nodding when the brothers try to find solutions and Belphi who watches him so he doesn't eat the others' and MC's plates when she speaks 😭

Passer une bonne journée 💙💛💜💚🩷💜🧡

#obey me headcanons #obey me lucifer #obey me satan #obey me leviathan #obey me shall we date #obeyme beelzebub #obeyme mammon #obey me #obey me belphie #obeyme belphegor #obey me solomon #obey barbatos #obey me asmodeus #obey me asmo #obey me memes #obey me mc #obeyme headcanons

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good-soupmens · 8 months

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Maybe this is just me being a christian in the good omens fandom, but a lot of people say Aziraphale's arc needs to end with him *entirely* dismantling his religious beliefs and stop following God, and I would disagree (I do have religious trauma, so hear me out 💀)

Yes, it was VERY necessary for him to learn that heaven didn't have humanity's best interest at heart. In fact, the archangels are incredibly selfish. Questioning their morals led him to stop armageddon with Crowley. But as the narrator of season one, God is somewhat mysterious, even cheeky ("a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time"). I don't think we're SUPPOSED to dislike her as a character, but we're meant to question whether heaven is really carrying out her plan.

I often see heaven as the equivalent of a corrupt church; the kind that scares you with hell, says they have power over the bible so you should listen to them, and asks you for donations when they'll probably just spend it on themselves. They're toxic.

Crowley is wise to want to distance himself as much as possible. But I can't say Aziraphale is wrong for wanting to fix it. Heaven existing at ALL isn't the problem, it's the way it's conducted. If they really cared about the earth, they could help people. Crowley saved a girl from killing herself, Aziraphale forgave Maggie's rent, Crowley helped Shakespeare get his plays off the ground, Aziraphale healed Anathema and fixed her bike. Both stopped hell from ending the earth (and heaven orchestrating it). Crowley saved things every time that he was sent to destroy them.

They're constantly doing little miracles, sometimes big ones, while still letting the earth run, where humans can make their own choices and decide what to believe. If heaven was anything like Crowley and Aziraphale, there wouldn't be a system in need of destroying.

I wrote more detailed meta on good omens God here (and my therory on the ineffable plan), but my point is to say that destroying Aziraphale's faith entirely is not the solution. He doubts that heaven is even doing God's work. The end goal for dealing with religious trauma isn't always letting go of your belief in God (that's okay if it is!) but many of us need to deconstruct toxic ideas taught by toxic churches. Some people wouldn't survive without their faith. And FAITH in God isn't the problem, people misrepresenting God in order to devalue, shame, and oppress others for personal gain is.

Given that she canonically exists in the good omens universe, that means that she created everything. She made Aziraphale, Crowley, the universe, the earth, everyone who went on to create anything else, and life itself. Every moment, every place, every feeling, every choice, and every experience was possible because it was created. She's the reason anything that in the history of time was able to happen at all, good or bad.

God may not tell anyone about her plan, but I have a feeling it's going to be the end result of the series, where Crowley and Aziraphale were a part of it (I could be kidding myself, but that's my theory)

The concept of the "sides" being heaven and hell doesn't work without everyone getting a real choice. Neither Crowley or Aziraphale truly belonged to their respective sides because they were morally against them. Just as heaven needs to be fixed, hell shouldn’t be run by *obligation* to do evil. The good omens book said that many demons just considered it their job ("Go up there and make some trouble")

Thinking back to Aziraphale's line, "But humans...get a choice" makes me think that THAT'S what will change.

It's not "this group is nice. go out and do good" and "this group is bad. go out and do evil", it'll be everyone making choices (whether they want to spread misery and destroy the earth, or truly help better the earth and show people the light in a flawed world). Heaven would have a real job of thwarting evil if they weren't the ones administering it, and maybe that's what Aziraphale will try to change.

(End of essay personal rant!!)

This is for queer christians especially, I know people forget us. My religious trauma comes from homophobia. I have to remind myself daily that it's not a fault of God, but people. It's PEOPLE who harbor hate for what they don't understand, and many use religion to justify their wanting us not to exist. They fundamentally misunderstand the point of following christ, and others have to work to change that.

It may seem like the best solution is to object to christianity entirely, but I find genuine happiness in it despite the bad eggs. I wouldn't be here if not for it, and it doesn't take brainwashing and manipulation for me to be a follower. I want to be. That's the reason I say any of this; for good omens to end on a positive note with God would mean a lot to queer christians. We're often caught between christians that hate gay people and gay people that hate christians, and it's hard for us to accept both parts of ourselves. Good omens helps me love both :) and thats why I relate to Aziraphale as a character

Also. queer christians and non-christian queer people with religious trauma, you're all so valid and cool, I love you <3

#good omens meta #ineffable plan #god good omens #religious trauma #queer christian #Aziraphale #good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens season 3 #good omens theory #gay christian #trans christian

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liminal-lesbian · 2 months

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In regards to marcy finding her niche…well forgive me for being cynical, but I don’t think she has one. Both Anne and Sasha found their niches in Amphibia, but Marcy couldn’t. And it wasn’t a lack of trying either, as seen with new wartwood and the journal. If she couldn’t make friends in Amphibia, I don’t think could on earth.

You're also gonna have to forgive me for being an obnoxious optimist (it's a result of hitting rock bottom multiple times and somehow still gettin thru things), but I like to imagine things get better for Marcy after Amphibia!

I know her story wasn't well executed in the show, but I really do feel the idea of Amphibia's end being the true start of her journey makes sense to me. Marcy's biggest struggle was finding security in her identity outside of other people, hence her deep fear of being alone (if I have no one, who am I?) and her need to gain approval (if I'm useful people will stay).

The problem with this is by doing this she created a structure of self-identification that relied on her eschewing her sense of self in favour of, in essence, making herself lesser for others. She flattened herself to be the smart one, the mediator, Master Marcy of Newtopia, etc. All are identities inherently created to be someone for someone else. Needless to say the loss of these relationships, perceived or in reality, is a world shattering event because she loses not just the relationship but herself.

In Marcy's mind, for good reason mind you, people don't want her for HER. They want her for what she gives them, thus she moulds and contorts herself to be who THEY want, losing herself in the process, becoming less a person and more thing for them to use.

I think this is the message her experiences in the Core were MEANT to convey; Marcy's feelings toward Anne and Sasha were absolutely founded in reality—they neglected her when she tried to express her true self—but she also needed to learn that people will love her for her, as the holistic, flawed, true Marcy that she is. In the end Marcy needed to value herself as much in order for that relationship to ever succeed.

Obviously this could've been executed MUCH better, maybe with more emphasis on people expressing that they loved Marcy for who she was rather than what she did, but I guess that's what fanfics for, eh?

With all this in mind though, this is why I think post-Amphibia Marcy would've found a niche for herself. She's learned that she's loved beyond her acts of service for others. She doesn't need to earn people's love, she is valued and loved because she's Marcy Wu, plain and simple, proven by Anne and Sasha coming back for her (altho this could've been done better as well, ie an earlier attempt to rescue Marcy, but I do think the overall intention was there story wise). Taking this to heart I think she'd find people who share her interests and be able to interact with them in a healthy manner, meeting them as equals and not as a tool to be used. This self-respect, understanding her value and viewing herself as an equal in her relationships, is the door to finding and thriving in new friend groups outside of Anne and Sasha.

I think this is where her guarded nature would develop. She understands her self-worth, and therefore would protect herself from people who might want to exploit her again (ANDRI-ASS looking at u), but I do think she'd get to a point where she'd know when to open up.

I understand a more cynical take for sure! Looking at how she was treated in the show that's absolutely an interpretation that could come from it. Personally, as a big sap at heart, I like to imagine a future where she's happy.

Source: I spent 23+ years viewing myself in a very similar manner and project onto Marcy perhaps a bit more than is healthy

#amphibia #marcy wu

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velinediary · 6 days

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Comparison is ruining you

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶✿

One of the lessons I have had to learn to become who I am now is to stop comparing myself to others. It's not a lie that if you ask Veline from 2022 how many times she compared herself to different people, the list would be endless. But now, I see it more clearly and I know that I have greatly reduced this behavior that was harming me for many years. I want to mention that this doesn't mean that I don't sometimes have moments where I feel bad about myself, but the feeling doesn't linger for long, as I choose to let go of that feeling and come back to myself.

Although it may sound contradictory, comparison is good only if we know how to use it. It can help us identify areas for improvement or find inspiration, but it is also fundamental to remember that each person is unique, and the true measure of success lies in personal progress and personal satisfaction.

Here are certain aspects that we often compare ourselves with, so you can identify which ones you are comparing yourself to. (Remember, if you have all of them, there's no need to feel bad. Instead, it's a sign for you to start your own path.):

Physical Aspects: It can include height, weight, physical build, facial appearance, etc.

Emotional Aspects: The ability to handle and express emotions, empathy, emotional intelligence, etc.

Intellectual Aspects: Comparing cognitive abilities such as intelligence, creativity, problem-solving skills, etc.

Social Aspects: The ability to relate to others, communication skills, teamwork ability, etc.

Professional Aspects: Work achievements, skills, educational level, etc.

Personal Aspects: Values, beliefs, hobbies, lifestyle, etc.

Now that we know these aspects, let's move on to some tips that helped me reduce my level of comparison.

○ Focus on Yourself ♡

I know this advice has been given many times, but it is extremely true. By focusing on our own progress and not that of others, we start feeling better. By this, I mean letting go of thoughts like, "Look at her, she's been going to the gym for a month and already has visible changes, while I've been going for a year and still don't see anything," or "She just joined university and knows everything, while I can't even answer the professor's questions," among others. My loves, it's not like that. Each person has their own time to achieve the results they desire. The more you focus on your own path and what you want to achieve, the less space there is to think about others.

○ Cultivate Self-Acceptance ♡

We all have strengths and weaknesses, and that's why we should embrace them. We need to learn that we can't be good at everything to avoid frustration, but of course, there's always room for improvement. What I mean is that we should acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. First, to improve in areas where we struggle, and second, to enhance and make the most of our strengths.

○ Be Your Own Comfort ♡

Being our own comfort in moments when we feel like we have failed can be very helpful. Don't hurt yourself or beat yourself up over something you did wrong. Even I have to remind myself of this. Don't be cruel to yourself! Don't become your own worst enemy when you have those feelings. Instead, embrace and accept that fact, knowing that you will do better next time or that it won't even matter in the future.

○ Social Media is Just "Social Media, Not Real Life" ♡

I will try to keep this brief, as it is a vast topic with many subtopics. Social media is designed for sharing, creating communities, and making friends. However, over time, it has become a constant need for validation to boost our egos. Now, don't get me wrong, we all want to feel accepted or validated, but what I have realized is that the more you seek it, the more you want it. If you don't know how to handle it, you may end up feeling bad for not receiving the attention you thought you would get.

Of course, as it has been said many times, not everything we see on social media is true or dreamlike. Some photos may have been edited beforehand, or the person posting may not have felt genuinely good at that moment.

After all, these platforms only go so far. How many times have we remembered a specific post after closing an app? None, because real life exists. Not everyone around us has that "amazing" physical appearance or the "ideal" job as portrayed on social media. Not everyone follows trends or has "perfect skin". That's why we need to look beyond what is behind the screens and live our lives.

Conclusion

My dear girls, comparison will only serve you if you know where and when to apply it, without crossing the line, of course. Each one of us is on our own path towards becoming a better version of ourselves, no matter how long it takes, because that's what it's about - persisting and not focusing on what others did or didn't do. In the end, you are the one who will be telling your own story soon. I don't want to hear similar stories from everyone else because I want to know what you had to go through to get where you are.

Personal Note:

Creating this blog doesn't mean that I have everything figured out or the perfect life that every girl would want, but I'm still in the race, trying to reach the goal without looking at whether others have already achieved it or if they have surpassed me. I go at my own pace, and that's what matters. In fact, creating this blog is part of who I want to become.

‐---------------------------------------------------------------------♡---------‐----------------------------------------------------

Thank you to the women who have made it this far, and I hope you enjoyed this post and found it helpful. Love yourselves, embrace yourselves, and have patience with yourselves because you will need it on the journey.

With love, Veline. Kisses!

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protectingtulpas · 9 months

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🔥 BY TULPAS, FOR TULPAS 🔥

Welcome to this blog, everybody!! ✨✨ I'm Badeline, she/her pronouns, and this is dedicated to being a protected space for tulpas, tulpa hosts, and anyone trying to learn about us or is interested in creating one of us. We are people, and we deserve to exist!

If you're new here, I'll keep it simple; a tulpa is a sentient being created by willful, repeated, and dedicated interaction with the concept of a person until they start to respond back and stop being controlled by you. They live with you and share your mind forever, generally as friends, and through trust and communication you can learn to do cool things like switch who's controlling the body, chat all day and get another perspective, and generally just have your life enhanced with a companion by your side looking to do stuff! Think of it like an imaginary friend, but you can't control them, cus we're our own people. If you want more info, check out this carrd, it goes into more detail and links some sources. Tulpa.info is one of the best sources out there! I reclaim calling myself a demon but most tulpas DO NOT.

This is half a tulpamancy advice blog and half a support network for tulpas in the face of the hate and shit we get thrown at us. We are real and we deserve to EXIST!! Got formation questions? Skillset questions? Wonderland questions? Questions about intersectionality with other forms of multiplicity? Life questions relating to being a tulpa or tulpamancy? Send in an ask! It's important that YOUR voice is heard. We deserve respect, and we will NOT be silenced by those who'd be happier if we didn't exist! We're not some Supernatural TV thing that'll come kill people in their sleep, we ARE people, and I'm done being quiet.

If I haven't responded to your ask yet and I've clearly answered ones that came after, it's probably because I'm planning a detailed response for it!!

#tulpamancy advice - tag for advice I've given! Check it out if you've got any questions

Wondering why I'm taking so long to post stuff?

Here's a shitfuckton of plural resources!!

The difference between tulpa hosts & system hosts!

🔥 Blog dedicated to @eeveecraft

🔥 @moonpool-system is our main system blog

🔥 Times I've been called a bitch counter: 2

🔥 PLURALPUNK + PSYCHEPUNK + UNITYPUNK 🔥

DNI/Stereotypical controversy:

Our only DNI is that if you don't respect the existence of myself and other plurals, get out. That means transmeds and sysmeds can fuck off too, go find someplace else to be a bigot ✨ If you're an endo neutral/anti endo singlet we have P-DID so like actually consider who your exclusion is hurting thanks. Support all of us or admit you're an unsafe place for us.

I'm adding this too - I'm not fucking talking about the trans/ID or rad/queer community here. IMO "transplural" is just a fancy label for wanting to be plural, but I'm not in a place other than that to decide which ID labels are shitty and which aren't. Rad/queers, however, can fuck off. Okay? Ok. Here's some elaboration on that.

I don't agree with every single opinion of every single blog I interact with or reblog from, that's ridiculous. Read my posts, read my replies, but don't assume things about me based on other people. This fight against anti-plural rhetoric is about all of us, but that doesn't mean I agree about everything with every one of my allies. Purity is a tool of bigotry and we have more important problems to face than bickering.

If you're actually worried about what you've heard is cultural ap/propriation, consider this instead: Did you know you're listening to a rumor that originated with sysmeds who tell you that a directly researchable, blatantly open religion is closed, deny and call into question spiritual leaders' words on what meditations can be shared, and have NEVER EVER been able to produce an example of harm NOR of someone who's both a Tibetan Buddhist and NOT a sysmed bigot that says it is harmful? (We have asked and gotten answers, by the way.) Anyways, if you're neutral about this or actually trying to learn, do research. Don't let sysmeds with a savior complex dictate what's harmful. It's fucking embarrassing we have to go to these people to ask if the etymology of a goddamn word is ok to use anyways, it's time to stop forcing this shit on other ppl. Okay? OK. Sysmeds and aggressive anti-tulpa shit will either be fucking deleted from my ask box or used as an example of why they're wrong.

#tulpamancy #tulpa #plural #plurality #plural community #plural system #pluralgang #pluralpunk #fictive #tulpa help #tulpamancy help #pro tulpa #pro endo #endo safe #intro post

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kranagok0 · 16 days

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Louise, the photographer and possible cosplayer (that last one is a head-canon of mine)

Okay, let's talk about Louise and why I feel that the character was not explored more when she could have appeared more times in the last chapters of the series.

I mean, I mean, look at this character and tell me he doesn't deserve more prominence. In this last season I saw quite a few interesting characters and nothing was delved into about them. I mean, I loved the series and its ending was also glorious, but I would have liked to see in more depth each and every one of the characters that they included from one moment to the next.

Anders? I bet they only put it in to give Hilda a reason to go back to Tofoten to investigate (plus we were already making a lot of theories about who Hilda's father was and they wanted to clarify that point).

Astrid's neighbor? This guy seemed to know something, I don't know what but it was like he knew more than he should. It was as if they had wanted to include it in the plot but in the end they didn't have time to do that whole process.

And I have several more, characters from other seasons and so on, but let's return to the main topic. We will talk about this in another post that I am preparing.

As I was saying, Louise feels like a character with the potential (or at least for me) to create a problem big enough to make an extra chapter or season of the series. In other words, everyone in the trio of young adventurers is literally involved in causing chaos and some kind of incident that could have escalated simply by being themselves.

David is a perfect example. The boy literally collects rocks and takes them home. We all know what incident was involved so I'll skip the details and say this: the boy was able to go to prison.

Frida is not far behind, no sir, of course not. This girl was determined to raise the dead for a book, a damned book that not even the filthy ghosts had. It caused a fight between the city's nisse at the Sparrow Scout meeting place (of course it was to help Hilda, but let's leave that aside for now). And I may not know much about witchcraft, but breaking into the witches' tower (and private areas of the library) is certainly something to talk about.

And Hilda….. Well……:

[Insert crimes against humanity meme]

Now look at Louise. He is without a doubt a bread of god. AND IT HAS NOT CAUSED THE POSSIBLE ANNIHILATION OF A CITY!

We urgently need this child to cause some trouble immediately. I don't know what to do, I just want it to get into the friend dynamic of 'we're not solving the problem, we're making a bigger one that will make you forget about the original problem.'

We need ideas people, and this is where we all come in. I mean, I'm not forcing them. I am only politely demanding that you create some extra information about Louise to be clearer about the personality of this new member of the trio of friends. Seriously, I want (need) more things from this character.

There's so much to do with this character and they just didn't use almost any of it in the series. So help me help them help me to help this character help him help me to help them help me and…. Okay, I've already lost even myself in this. But I get my point across.

So I await your comments, I would like to know what head-canon you have about the photographer boy. Mine is that he cosplays, and I would love to see him try to integrate Hilda, David and Frida into cosplaying (I once saw an image of David as Baldur from God of War and I was fascinated).

So that's all from me. I send you greetings and don't forget to comment on your ideas. Now I'm going to write more of that post about the things that were missing when investigating characters in the series. bye

#hilda #hilda netflix #hilda (netflix)#hilda series #hilda the series #hilda the show #hilda (hilda)#hilda louise #Louise Hilda #More Of Luise Of Hilda please

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killykstudio · 10 months

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— GRIS Y AZUL miguel o’hara x fem!reader

First part!

Warnings : blood; injuries; depiction of panic attack; slightly smut; fluff; making out; politician; y/n use; fem!reader x Miguel o'hara; I'm not native English or Spanish speaker so forgive me for orthographic errors; Spanish sentences are translated.

Notes : Hi,everybody! Since we are all on the same boat for having brain rot on Miguel , I decided to write something myself.

I decided to give Y/N a different personality instead of the usual cute , shy, clumsy , kind and courageous one. I opted for a realistic one this Y/N isn't an empath, to honest a blasé, she is opportunistic, Machiavellian , manipulative and has a lot of personal problems that you will get to read. She obviously has also good traits : like being truthful at herself, caring towards the one she cares , witty and even though she is not an empath, she has her own sense of good and evil , of what must be done and can understand and adapt what others are feeling, even though she doesn't feel the same.

Also I decided for another job rather than the same barista, assistant or spider person: politician. Since Miguel has a conflictual emotion towards the richer members of Nueva York and a job like that adds more tension and more themes to explore.

For Miguel personality I will try my best to be faithful to comicbooks and part of the movie, since this take place before them.

I will explore their personalities more ,but don't worry there will be a lot of tension and smut.

Also the characters from the comic book will appear.

Anyway enjoy this first chapter!

Chapter One

It's another day in polluted and overpopulated Nueva York. The bright colors of the uppercity contrasting with the undercity's neon lights. Everybody is rushing towards their destination without even caring about others and themself. The only thing that matters is keep moving , keep producing, keep consuming.The " Estación Gran Central" is full of people all running towards different direction, like ants; on a wall there is a big screen projecting a lights over them. The screen is on channel 99, airing a special after the News about the last hot social topic, where two politicians from differet opposition share their view on the matter , obviously, as in this case , ends with a rather big discussion where no one listen and everybody screams as they have the truth in their hands.

You are slowing to watch the show taking places on the screen. A rather disgusted smirk paints on your face.

"What a circus" you murmur

TUN!

Without realizing your smirk is kissing the floor and you got stepped by the hasty citizens. Struggling to get yourself up. In the end you get back on your feet, hapless with fury and frustration written all over the face and head back to your destination, melting in the crowd.

'SS BROOKLYN ZONA' is lighting the sides of the train. You are already seated inside , trying in everyway to not thinking about the day that is gonna take place. Going to the parliament, smiling to everybody , trying to convince the opposition about a new decree, that you have been trying to apply for months ; get a fake 'yes' to face , but a 'no' during the votes; trying to avoid the stamp , who will analyze every single word you say ,only to bring you down, to be feasted to the pubblic ; talking with people you don't care , who don't care about you and your ideals; it seems like being on a stage , it looks like your job is being an actress 24/24h , when in reality you wanted truly chance something , create a city strong and united against other indipent city, not for some sense of unity , paece or empathy , but for prosperity of the economy, the sciences and the arts. Then it would come the evening, where you had to go out with other "colleagues" to talk about new strateges, new plans and how to overthrown the opposition to able to have the most of the seats in the upcoming election. Not only the arguments would most of the time swift towards more "shallow", conversations about everyday things, which you would love to interested in them , but you could never bring herself to like , as you felt some sort of shame when doing them: never left yourself some mental rest, always thought that you had to do something important, to leave a meaninful print in everything, to be important for meaningful reasons. Then the night wouldn't be mercyful: the heavy silence flooding your hears, almost painful , in your minimalist, empty, modest appartment. Loliness was such a torment, but also a sort of pleasure, since was the only moment where you were yourself , free of any social convention.

This was yesterday.

This was the day even before.

The day before before

The other day.

The last week.

The last moth.

The last year.

The last 25 years.

This is gonna be the today.

CRASH!

At least it's what you thought, not what the universe had in plan for you.

The train stops abruptly. A voice from the speaker speak after a jingle :" Dear passenger we inform you that the train has stopped due to en emergency on the surface. Please remain calm and wait for further instructions".

"Finally a good day" you think to yourself. You signed , leaning your head to the window, which showed the dark of the tunnel, closed your eyes and relaxed. Meanwhile other passengers start screaming, panicking and trying to overcome their anxiety. You are in a total state of total bliss , you feel like outside of space and time, in another dimension ,in another reality , where anything mattered.

Until you get brougth back to reality to the sudden sped the train started moving. The acceleration keeps growing. Some passengers fall on the floor, others have to hold on to the handles or at the walls. You were leaning against the seat , with wide eyes and a confused expression. Outside the window change color from black to the bright light blue of the sky. There you see that all the city is under attack: most of the cars are out of control , the traffic light went crazy , the skyscrapes windows are blinking from the lights inside, all the mobiles the gizmos ,all kind of technology was out. It's a disaster.The same jingle as before ring in the train :" Dear passengers ,please remain calm, we arent gonna do anymore intermediate stops, we are going to get to destination in time".

"Hell with that!"

"What is going on?!"

"We are gonna die, isn't it?!"

"Go fuck yyourself"

"Fuck you NYLine"

Everybody is going nuts: panic and confusion is in the air

"Breath and stay calm" you thought, panic isn't a good idea, now you have to process what is going on. In total tranquility you get up and go to the real of the train , fearing that the train is gonna collide against another one, this was clearly a technical issue or a terroristic attack. When you almost get there, abruptly the train stops and you fly against the wall. When you open your eyes , your head was , blood started running from your nose, vision blurred and a ring is in your hears. It isn't in your head, it's the speaker ,who got stuck.

Then another jingle:

"Dear passenger we inform you that-

TUN!

A hand appears on the window near you ,making you jump from the sound , your blood freezes.

You turn your head and see

"SPIDERMAN OH MY GOD"

"MIO DIO GRAZIE AL CIELO"

"तब हम बच जाते हैं"

"¡DIOS MIO!"

You look at him with shock from everything that is happening

He reciprocate your look, then he goes on the roof and starts running towards the front.

After some seconds another jingle rkng :" dear passengers" the voice is different, it was more deep, smooth, almost sensual. In a calm , formal tone continues: " We inform you that Spider-Man is here to save the day and I just covered the train with webs,which leads to the ground. Usa the emergency hammers, shatter the windows ,get out immediately and search a safe space!"

Everbody start doing what he said. In a matter of time you are on the ground ,out of train, still dizzy from everything. As you find a safe place in shop near among other citizens, waiting for clearer istructions ,your mind starts running super quickly, maybe is all the adrenaline in your veins or maybe all the panic repressed before. A stale thought catch your attention :" god it must be so thrilling to be spiderman"

"All the things I would do, all the adventure, all the drama , all the handsome men, the perfect body , I could punch and threaten everbody I want , I could be able to get my decree approved with such easy, I could impose oder and peace"

"Y/N!" Your megalomaniac thoughts get interrupted by an old woman's voice. You turn to see the head of the opposition, Clara Conte.

"Happy to see a familiar face in this see of strangers"

You nooded as Conte got near you.

"This is such a tragedy... This is gonna be on the mouths of everybody for months"

"Who do you think is gonna get all the fingers pointed at for this hell?" You ask with a slight smirk of amusement.

"Mmm" Conte slightly smiles, rubbing a finger under her chin. " Probably the CEO FastNet "

"really?" your brow raise s.

"Yeah"

"Not the Web police?!"

"Nah"

"Well" you are quite suprised by her affermation.

"Whoever is gonna get the guilt , is gonna be executed by the media and popular thought"

Silence falls between the you two, Conte is still rubbing her finger, untill she speakes again

"Wanna bet 20$?"

"50$"

"Alright, you are pretty confident of your prevision"

Suddenly all the technology go back to working. A cacophonic symphony of notifications from all the cellphone in the room erupts. Conte and you watch their respective mobile. You then look at her.

"I just use logic and my m-

Out of nowhere a tentacles breaks through the shop window and grabs Clara Conte. She gets abrupted from the shop. You watched with horror as the woman is asking for help until she dissappers from the street. Your look of horror transformed into one unfazed.

"What a pity" you think scarcastically.

A drone of the stamp passes by.

You glow.

"Fuck, they saw me. She is gonna use this situation to play the victim with the electors and paint me as the coward who remained still. Fuck, fuck , fuck".

You get up and run to the direction they went , thinking about something helpful to do to feed a good image to the media.

"So tentacles... It must Octo...what does he want this time? Money? Vegeance? Chaos? Meh..."

Octo from the 2099 universe is a famous doctor, who after acknowledging to have cancer, tried to cure himself, but ended up messing his dna, becoming a monstrosity half octopus half human.

You stopped in front of the parliament where there is a cortina of policeman , army. Octo is inside.

You walk through the barrier of officers with a fake courageous look. You start talking with them about the situation.

When they finish sharing all the infomation they have , you come to the conclusion that they will not interview soon, since they are waiting for upper commands and they seem rather tired from all the work they had today and uninterested to help one single person, when the city was still recovering from the disaster. Thanks to your position, you get a permission to enter alone the building, taking ,before ,a laser gun from one of the man. They try to persuade you to not enter , but they can't bring themself care to the point to actually stop you. During your entrance you were being recorded by the stamp drones ,which where all around the building.

"This is gonna be helpful for the next elections" you try to a hide a smile to look as professional as possible.

The parliament was dark and empty , only scattered furniture all around the halls.

Two voices echo through a hall.

You follow them.

Without being noticed , stalk the two, who were talking: Conte was being still being hold by one of the tentacle meanwhile Dr.Octopus is searching for something on electronic papers.

"What's the password of this one Minister?"

....

Conte doesn't respond. He shakes her.

"W-h-a-t-a-t-h-e-p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d"

Conte scared shares the information and he getd the access to some of private governments papers and starts searching for the one, he is interested in.

You are moving slowly towards the two behind without making a noise.

TU DUN!

the sound of metal hits the ground. You stopped, shocked:

You didn't made fall anything.

Dr.Octopis starts analysing the room, in the search

Then a frying sound hits him from behind.

He gets shot by laser in the head.

It was you.

Then another shot goes through him, this time it cuts the tentacle that is holding the woman.

She fall on the ground. You go to give her hand to get out.

You feel the Doc behid you.Unfortunately for you the first shot only pierced Octo left ear.

"Fuck , fuck ,fuck , why do i make this stupid decisions?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Only for some good images of me trying to be heroic?! Why I am so stupid?! Everytime a do domething it twist itself on me ?! God I want to die , but like I don't want to die!!?????" You are trying to not hyperventilate , to act calm and resoluted , but your hands are betraying you, shaking meanwhile you are trying to take the gun. Quickly soon a tentacle storms against you.

You pushs Conte to the right and yourself to left, avoiding to be caught.

On the ground you get your weapon recalibrate it to shoot him again. He is running towards conte to grab her again.

This time he wouldn't be merciful, he doesn't need her anymore since he got the password to the computer.

You aren't ready to shoot, you are sweting, shaking frenetically, making all more difficult.

BAM!

A huge piece of Concrete hits DocOct and Conte is quickly grabbed by a neon orange web.

It was Spiderman.

In the shadow his suit glows with red hints.

"Follow me!" He shouts to you.

Clusmly you start movimg towards him. He shoots another web to grab and push you against his chest.

"Quickly" he adds with arrogance. You go from being impressed and fascinated to annoyed and unimpressed.

You are running towards the halls. Conte is being held under his arm trapped in the web.

All is going fine , till you gets strangled by a tentacle and pushed back to the dark of the building

"YOU!" Octo screams.

You couldn't even shout for help.

" ¡Mierda!" Spiderman exclamates.

He sprints outside leaving Conte to the paramedics , ready to storm inside to help you, till all officers points their guns towards him.

"STOP DON'T MOVE"

"¡Estas pendejo !" Spidey murmurs to himself , bringing his hands to the air.

"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST"

" So you can't arrest the actual criminal and decide to compesante by taking in the only one who is doing something?!"

"SHUT UP AND DON'T MOVE"

"just because we both have bizzare animal themed powers, doesn't mean we are part of a company together, you follow? Or you would make part of it too , since you are pigs wit-" before he could finish, they start shooting at him.

Thanks to his agility he avoids all the bullets. In that right moment Octo flies from from the crystal celling of the main room ,holding you in one of his tentacle.

Pieces of glass decored the sky as confetti.

He throws some granade. All the presents starts fleeing the scene to get cover.

Spiderman incredulous of himself helps them anyway to not get hurt from the debris.

After he looked at the you, who looked like you already accepted your fate.

Octo on the other tentacles has grabbed some computers,

He starts moving quickly away from the scene.

Spiderman follows and reachs him.

OUCH!

A punch hits the criminal face, making the criminal fly against a building. When he recovered he feels a burning sensatuon running in his veins, thus realition hits : on one of his tentacles were bitten by Spiderman , injecting him with paralyzing venom. His eyes widen and he gathers all his remaning strength, before the venom could hit completely. Unfortunately it wasn't enough: another streak of punches and kicks got him out.

Spidey pulls out his blades from his forearm and slices the tentacles, being rewarded by a scream from the Doctor, who starts losing his senses,until he meets his destiny to the ground.

You watch this scene surprised: you knew the officers wouldn't do much to save you as they did with Conte, you already submitted yourself to the consequences of your action.

Death by stupidity, by fake heroism , it is what would be on your cause of death. Spidey manages to free and hug you to swing away from the scene.

You are in a total state of disbelief. Your arms are locked around his neck , his hand is grabbing your butt, with gentleness and your face is dig in his collabrone. You could smell his strong scent, a mixture of sweat and cologne , it is so mesmerizing.

Now you feel safe and relax . The wind in your hair , the softness of this man , his warmth , his scent , his breathing, the beating of his heart.

You never felt like this, in peace with the world, then everything comes immediately to an end , when the adrenaline stopped pumping through your veins and all the emotions you had repressed, exploded out.

"Please DON'T MAKE FALL" you screams panicked

"Why would I do ?! I didn't save you to male you fall on the ground?!?!"

You tighten your hug

" ¡Relájate Nena!" (Relax ,baby)

"I SPEAK ENGLISH"

"you don't speak Spanish?!? AND LIVE IN NUEVA YORK?!"

"I've never learned its to diffic- STOP IM SLIPPING"

"YOU AREN'T!STAY CALM!"

You start crying without realizing over his shoulder.

He notices and feels bad , everything you went through today must had you destroyed your nerves with fear and anxiety.

"Ey ey ey , why are crying?! In this right moment you being saved by the most beautiful man in whole NY"

You slightly chuckle at his comment, making you feel better.

"Yeah , you say that based what"

"On the people who saw me"

"But you always wear a mask!"

"It's because I'm too handsome , it would kill everybody ,who sees my face of envy "

"Then why don't you use it as a weapon against all your enemies"

"Because do you think its fair to make admire such a magnificent face to those bastards?! They don't deserve such privilege"

"Then I can get suche privilege?"

"Sorry but to take it off, i will have to use my hand"

"So?"

"Okay , you can choose between the one that is helding you and the one that shoots the webs"

You rolle your eyes to your stupidity.

" I can use mine" You start moving slowly you hands up ,from his neck to the sides of his cheeks

"Sorry, but you can't, it's Company policy"

You started chuckling harder.

Before you could do anything else, the hand under your butt left you and you fell down.

You scream.

A web engulfes you

Your face just stopped in time a few centimeters from hitting the ground: caught upside-down like a prey. Adrenaline started again flowing in your veins. Your heavy beath jumping againt the floor.

"I saved you three times today : one from that creep , two from your disobedience ,three from my beauty "

He frees her from the webs, making you fall on your knees and immediately you stands up, adjusting yourself.

"Here take it , for the turbulence"

Before your could meet his gaze , 50$ bucks appeared on your hand and he swings away.

You look at him disappearing im the chaos of the city with blown eyes , you still have to reconnect everything that happened.

;;;;

The night had fallen on the city bright colored lights decored the skyline. Everything almost got back to before. Now the sounds of chaos were gone.

Your appartament is quiet and covered in dark, the only lights are the one from the outside. You had fallen asleep immediately after you came back from the mess of today, still dressed; blood,dust and sweat stained all over you . You didn't care your brain literally went blackout the Moment you touched the fresh sheets of your bed.

Your phone is full of missed calls and not-read message.

The peace in the apartment gets interrupted by a sound of an opening window from the living room. Step by step someone is heading towards your bedroom. Your door opens slightly and a black silhouette of a man comes inside

You didn't wake up at any of this.

The man gets on bed on his knees, nearing himself to you.

"Por nena! ha sido un día difícil" ( poor ,baby , it has been a difficult day?) the men whispered in your left hear as you are laid on one side.

"Mmm" you get awake by the warmth of his breath on your neck , which sends a shimmer in your back.

"Necesitas relajarte" ( you have to relax) with a hand he grabs your shoulder and pushes you on back violently .

You gasp and your breath speeds up.

You are still a little bit asleep and weaken from the fatigue of the day.

He puts his hands on both you shoulders , chaging you between his arms : he was huge, he completely covered you with his broad should and chest.

You narrowed your eyes to focus who he was

"spiderm-" before you could finish your sentence he lifted his mask till up his nose and kissed you passionately.

At first your eyes were wide by the shock , then you relaxed and melted by his soft lips.He wrapped them around your bottom, breathy groans easily escaping him, as he pulled you impossibly closer. His heart was beating on overdrive, nearly at a concerning tempo as he lapped at your mouth.

He eventually pulls away and you find yourselves both panting slightly from the exchange.Your hands go to the back of his head and you pull him in to kiss him again, more deeply this time but just as passionately. He quickly and easily matches your kiss, and soon you find him leading as you let yourself become completely vulnerable to him, nearly losing yourself to him. He ends the kiss again, pulling away, heavy breaths leaving his mouth.

"Déjame ayudarte" (let me help you) He said softly smirking.

TO BE CONTINUED

;;;;

Thanks for reading till the end , I hope you enjoyed it and be ready soon for the next chapter!

#miguel o'hara x reader #miguel ohara #miguel o'hara #miguel o’hara smut #atsv #itsv #atsv miguel #miguel x reader #spider man #spider man 2099 #fanfiction

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docholligay · 3 months

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The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

I remember disliking this book so much more when I read it before! I think I was mad that it didn't have lesbians in it, and that's not entirely fair to Waters. She is allowed to 'have other characters' and 'explore other voices'. I SUPPOSE.

As with any Waters book, I can't keep myself from wild conjecture, she just brings it out in me I don't apologize in the fucking slightest.

Anyway, this book is actually pretty good if you're into the fading post-WW2 death throes of the landed class in the UK, played against the romanticism surrounding that whole blueblood situation ironically coming from people who could never touch it.

I think what I like best about it, though there is a lot to like here, is Faraday as being guilty of that very strange working-class illness of romanticizing title and blood, and wanting on some level to be a part of it. I would love to make this a British problem, but I regret that it is not, as I have seen it in plenty of My Fellow Americans of an older era obsessed with the idea of using ancestry to chase down a claim to being "noble," though I admit this is probably actually somewhat more common in a country not descended mostly from people needing to get the fuck out of Dodge for one reason or another.

This is no longer in the fashion--most peers my age looking for ancestry, which I am gonna cop to not being something I love, are looking for a connection to struggle or oppression. But I do think it's roughly the same thing: Using something someone had in the past to create ourselves as character and authority in the present.

Faraday has thought about this fucking house and everything it represents since he was a child. He falls in love with Caroline not for her own sake, but because of his growing desire to be a part of this house even in its teardown ruin. He doesn't even get a first name, because, a little bit like in DuMaurier's Rebecca, his existence is about POSITION, and lucking into being a part of a 'great house' even though in the great house is a sort of rot. He desperately wants to claim Caroline but more than that, Hundreds Hall. Look at me now, I'm married to the gentry and have a stately home.

The Uk was (and maybe even is on some level) in this tug of war between tradition and everything around that, paired with a post world war necessity of modernity, of providing for the actual people of this country instead a bunch of people quite literally born lucky. It's extremely easy to be like, 'The rich people wanted it to stay the same and everyone else was against it" but you know that's actually too simple, we've all known people who couldn't dream of being in these worlds lionizing the ~grand traditions of nobility~ and even Faraday mentions being against the NHS because he can see his time as a private doctor and thus 'special' coming to an end.

OKay I've talked too much about Faraday.

It is also a lot of fun, for me, this idea of destructive rot coming from within, that the seeds to destroy the class the Ayres belong to are planted within the place itself. That the weakness for them to self-destruct was just waiting for a moment. It's a fun ghost story! Sarah Waters can write her ass off! Is it my favorite of hers? No, but I also don't think I gave it a fair enough shake.

#doc reads

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fullcry · 1 year

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*knocks on your askbox* hostage/creature vash au?? may i ask for more details please 👀👀👀

You may!

So, I've had this fic outlined for a while but I wasn't going to work on it until maybe the end of May? I wanted to finish Memories on Film and Biology first, then make more progress on Love and Peace and Gunsmoke.

BUT. @zeearts had to go and create this incredible creature!Vash design and it just got my brain spinning all sorts of gears and now I'm back to dabbling with the Hostage AU!

Basically, the story goes something like this:

Meryl grows up in a rural town without a plant whose primary trade is worm hunting. They've got industrial production going, trading their goods for water from July and other essential resources. There's problems in the town, and being close to July they are firmly within the thrall of the Eye of Michael (except Meryl, ofc, because our girl is Smart and Knows a cult when she sees one).

Well one day Meryl gets chosen as a sacrifice and she gets taken to July where she's put in service to Knives and Conrad as sort of a glorified maid/caretaker to this strange creature Knives proclaims is his brother. Meryl doesn't know what's going on and the whole things seems hella sus and what the fuck is this bird thing huddled in the corner, but she does what she's told and pretends to be a Meek Believer while she tries to figure out how to bust out.

Meanwhile, in the background:

Knives, unable to forcibly control Vash's gate, has proceeded with his "Destroy the Parasites" master plan using the Eye of Michael to start a holy war while he hopes that giving Vash a little of what he wants--a human companion--will weaken his resolve and/or give Knives something to hold over him so he can gain some kind of leverage in this battle of wills with his brother.

Unbeknownst to Meryl Conrad is also plotting, secretly dosing her food with drugs to use her as Test Subject 1 in his plan to create part-plant humans. He hopes that he can secretly dose the water supply he controls to get the drug out to the masses and create hybrid humans that might stand a chance of surviving Knives' war and win a place in his Eden.

Wolfwood, the one responsible for capturing Vash and bringing him to Knives, is also skulking around Knives' lil July penthouse. They've got a baby Livio hostage they're using as leverage and Wolfwood wants his lil bro back and is making his own plan to bust him out while Knives and Conrad are distracted with their war.

Back to Meryl.

Our girl slowly befriends dear Creature!Vash, locked away in his lil plant-proof chamber. He's half-delusion from Knives' mind-fuckery, and through kindness and patience Meryl slowly brings him back to himself.

One day Meryl and Wolfwood meet, and together they strike up a plan to bust everyone out--her, Vash, Wolfwood, and Livio. But things don't go according to plan...

I've been dabbling with it a bit the past few days, though I'm TRYING to stick to the goals I set for myself as much as possible (I have a Patreon now and I'm trying to stick to an actual schedule!) but you know how inspiration can be <sob> It controls me I don't control it.

Speaking of Patreon, for anyone interested I'll be posting WIP snippets of this fic and other ideas this upcoming week on my page!

#Ask #Trigun #Hostage AU #TriStamp #Trigun Stampede #FanFiction

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nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid · 7 days

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I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

#vent post #vent #long vent post #long post #audhd #adhd #autism #neurodivergence #childhood #neurospicy #neurospicy childhood #neurodivergent childhood #stim #heartbreak #family issues

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pearlsofthec · 6 months

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While not as celebratory as October (MY B-DAY MONTH!) and not yet as festive as December, November is a month that’s always full of promises to me. It’s the month when I usually swear to myself I'll get everything done, so I can try to relax when it's Christmas time. While my productivity levels aren't as consistent as I'd like them to be, my will to be productive certainly is. I'm definitely a list kind of girl, loving making them just as much as I enjoy reading them in magazines and on archive blogs from the 2010s (classygirlswearpearls and rookie magazine, I’m looking at you guys). So what better way to start the month and try to get myself together than by writing a big ole' list? My November Guideline:

To be inspired

On TV: Spencer Hastings, Blair Waldorf, Tanner Hall

I may have only watched a season and a half of Pretty Little Liars, but that absolutely doesn't stop me from loving and pinning essentially every single outfit ever worn by Spencer Hastings on television, EVER. I love the way it's simultaneously classic and dated. I've never been one to fear a dated style or outfits that might one day make me sigh and go, "Oh my God, that was so ten years ago for me." I guess that's my way of contributing to history and experimenting with the millions of inspirations I'm constantly bombarded with via social media. I specifically love this aspect of her style, how she wears what she wants, what she loves, but always communicates a deep appreciation for a more traditional way of dressing.

A lot of the same things can be said about Blair. Again, a character from a TV series I haven't watched all the way through (I can't make it past the first few episodes of season 3, sorry!), who was a pillar of preppiness back in the day, and is still wildly beloved, despite having committed a few fashion faux pas in my opinion. The craziness of it all and even the grandma-ness of it all actually fascinate me about Blair's wardrobe. How she constantly projects a vision of who she needs to be. Spencer does the same, obviously, but with Blair, it's almost like she viewed every day of her life, every problem she needed to face, as a new plotline of an old movie that needed to unravel. For each plotline, she reacted as a different heroine would, and each heroine, naturally, expressed herself differently through fashion. I just love these characters she creates for herself, and I feel like I often have the same instinct to curate an outfit like that when getting ready.

Tanner Hall, directed by Diane von Fürstenberg's daughter, Tatiana, is in the same aesthetic line as the previous mentions. The movie is set in a quintessential New England boarding school, where beiges, browns, and muted greens seem to be the only existent colors. The whole wardrobe is gorgeous, designed by DVF, and the holy grail for all those who are obsessed with an old-time preppiness. While the movie's plot may be flawed, its attempt to portray the delicious whimsy and melancholy of a girlhood that tries to expand inside the claustrophobic gates of the school is genuine and comes from what, to me, is a mixture of personal history and folklorized memories. I really like the softness of it all; you can almost smell the crisp apple scent through the screen.

On the web: 2010s Emma Watson, Silly Lettuce, Eva Meloche

I can't really explain my current fixation on Emma Watson, but I have the feeling it has something to do with the fact I've been looping her Burberry campaigns practically every day. The songs are so reminiscent of a carefree city life, going on long taxi drives in the rain and putting your hands over the steam of your coffee on a cold day in the park with your friend, wet fall leaves on the cement sidewalk. I used to admire Emma Watson a lot when I was younger, and it's nice to rediscover this fondness for her. And let's be honest, she is definitely one of the founders of the gamine community; all I have, I owe to her!

Now, my current admiration for @silly_lettuce on Instagram is totally aesthetic, and I'm not afraid to say it. Gorgeous girl, gorgeous outfits, what's not to love. I could go on and on about her style in general, the silhouettes she wears, the boots, the knee-high socks, but instead, I'll just urge you to check out her page! So timeless, yet so young, fun, fresh, and COOL!!!!

Eva Meloche is a YouTuber I've been watching for as long as I can remember, and not only do I adore the calm energy all of her videos exude, but I also really love her travel stories and spot recommendations in general, which always come in handy. Oh, and, of course, she has impeccable taste. Even though her style is different from mine, I guess I use her content as a way to explore.

To wear

I think it's totally healthy to have an everlasting lust for new clothes and new products. Maybe it's because the holiday energy is already lingering in the air, or maybe it's because I'm fresh out of a father and daughter trip to Paris, but recently, I've been loving to revisit my old favorites. And by old, I mean back-when-I-was-twelve old, which includes:

Red Valentino patterned A-line dresses

Ok, I know they may be a bit too young, but if you get it, you get it, I guess. With some ballerinas or Mary Jane pumps, a cute overcoat, and a nice pair of sunglasses, you'll look positively '60s. Honestly, any A-line dress works, but RED V makes me remember my trips with my grandparents and going shopping with them.

The Cardi-blazer

So basic, I know, but I cannot stop thinking about the Ba&Sh Gaspard cardigan and Guspard blazer. I just love how it elevates a basic outfit. With a pair of jeans and a trench coat over it, it has infinite potential. I can definitely see myself wearing it to a lunch with friends, for some afternoon shopping, or just for a coffee run. I love the Ba&Sh cardi-blazers, specifically because of how cool they look without ever being an "in-your-face" type of item. The buttons are nice and discreet, and the style is put together but not excessively frumpy.

Flap Brogue

Maybe it's the Miu Miu enthusiast in me, but ever since they released the new collection of shoes with Church's (my dad's fave), I've been loving all outfits that include a pair of brogues. I already had a pair of light brown oxfords (which are my one true love), but I really wanted something in black and thought that a pair of flap brogues would be a nice addition. They're perfect to wear with sheer hosiery, a mini jean skirt, and a cozy black sweater to tie it all together.

Statement sweater

Talking about sweaters... I just have so many cool statement ones living in my brain recently; it's a bit concerning. What's better than wearing a huge sweater that screams "look at me" when going out with friends or having a nice dinner party? I've been specifically lusting over two models: the Kritzia glittery, oversized turtlenecks with animal motifs and the Zadig and Voltaire Alma "rock and roll" red one.

Statement everyday shoes

It's so 2016 to talk about Golden Gooses, but... I just love them. I happened to buy them after quite a bit of time resisting after I found myself with soaked ballerinas after a violent rainstorm, soon-to-be late to my lunch reservation. The Golden Goose store was my knight in shining armor, literally, offering me shelter and shoes. And maybe it was the desperation, maybe it was the pink sparkly star, but all I know was that I left that store in a glittery haze, enamored by the sneakers I'd just impulsively bought. No regrets!

To Discover

Maison millais (The Eloise perfume specifically… i need it)

Armocromia

Isak Zenou

Brai (pyjamas)

Louvini

Sekiguchi dolls

#blog #monthly guidelines #november

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