#i need a therapist badly but guess what??? whatever’s fucking wrong with me has made me avoid looking at my email for like a week for no
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pretty sure I’ve been hypomanic the last week or so and I’m not sure what to do about it
#weird to be hypomanic and extremely self isolating and avoidant of addresssing important things at the same time but here we are#i have no idea what fucking amalgamation of mental illnesses and whatever else is going on with me lately but it sure is alot#there is something very wrong with me and at this point i cant pinpoint it to any one thing it’s just. i think. a handful of things#that uhhh don’t work well together that’s for sure#i feel like I should maybe look up some stuff on comorbid bipolar II and autism cause that’s probably the best way to describe the totality#of whats going on with me#whatever it is it’s wrong there is something very very wrong with me#i need a therapist badly but guess what??? whatever’s fucking wrong with me has made me avoid looking at my email for like a week for no#god damn reason and I haven’t been able to make myself do anything important and applicable to myself in the Real World#again for literally no fuckign reason and it’s just making things progressively worse cause they stack up and ssome of those things can/will#piss off my mom who I also want to avoid but I can’t because if I don’t pick up the phone the second time she calls she will call my#roommate and threaten to call the police basically#so#that’s where I’m at#this is the first time I’ve ever ghosted literally everyone before though. that’s new. really funny how that works. self isolation is#probably driving me literally insane but for whatever reason my brain says Aha what if you distanced yourself even more? even from people#you don’t see in real life? what if you put all your effort and thoughts into one topic and obsess over it for god knows how long to the#extent of not wanting to do anything else basically but shit related to that special interest or whatever it is#it’s so funny that I’ve literally not hung out with friends at all in real life nor made any new friends irl this entire year#like literally. literally I do not have friends. that’s so wild cause I’ve been saying this for literally months and it never changes#anyway I’m probably gonnna go back to frantically writing notes on this one topic and neglecting all communication and responsibilities#so. yeah#kibumblabs#I need serious help. i wish I had people around me who cared enough to make me get it#i wish I didn’t have to do literally everything myself#my ‘bf’ (if you can call him that. i doubt it at this point for several reasons) hasn’t spoken to me nor I to him in I don’t even know how l#long now and my radio silence on discord and texts doesn’t seem to matter to him. i could be dead for all he knows lol#he doesn’t care he has other people now.#no one else I know irl reaches out and if they did I’d probably not answer for no reason. i guess because I love sabotaging myself#it’s great. I’m great.
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Delacroix
Bucky Barnes Gen, 2565 words, rated T
Jewish Bucky Barnes, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Episode 5 Truth
Bucky spends a few days in Delacroix with Sam and his family. On one evening, as they both have a beer before dinner, watching the sun set, they have a conversation about life, about therapy, about work.
TW: US healthcare system and the military industrial complex, mental health
Read on AO3
Part 33 of Making a Home - the Jewish Bucky series
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Sam’s family house is more of a home than anything Bucky’s lived in since he was deployed.
It’s warm and luminous, with big windows and light paint on the wood and the walls. There’s a poarch where they all end up sitting at the end of the day, when the sun sets over the bayou. The walls outside are blue and the roof is red. There are crayon drawings stuck with magnets to the fridge and mismatched furniture and containers. It’s been lived in, loved in.
A few days after his surprise arrival, Bucky stops feeling like a blood stain on the tapestry of life of the Wilson home.
Sarah’s nice and warm. He immediately takes a liking to her, and her to him, and he can see how much that infuriates Sam. What can he say? She’s a gorgeous woman, funny and bright and caring and her smile is honestly the kind that probably stopped a few hearts in her lifetime. Yes, she’s his sister, but he still has eyes, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t at least show appreciation. Besides, she seems to enjoy it. He’d stop the second he’d sense uncomfort.
He hasn't gotten to flirt and be comfortable with flirting in a really long time. It seems to be the same for her. What if they’re just… enjoying the flirtation? And enjoying infuriating Sam? Bucky considers it his duty as Sam’s friend.
Delacroix is unlike anywhere he’s ever been. It’s half an island and half a town. It’s relaxing. And the food… Bucky doesn’t think he’s eaten as much seafood in his life as he had in the past week.
It’s a slow end of day in Louisiana when Bucky and Sam find themselves sitting on the plastic chairs out back, with beers, watching the surface of the water. There’s music playing in the house, the kids are doing their homework.
It’s simple. Bucky breathes in and out, unobstructed.
He hears Sam’s intake of breath and knows a hard conversation is coming from that alone. No, that’s a lie. Sam’s shifted, ten seconds ago. He’s looked between his beer and the water four times in the past minute.
“We haven’t had time to talk about Madripoor,” Sam starts and Bucky immediately tenses.
He’d almost forgotten he’d told Sam they’d talk about that later. Because still, he’s not ready to talk about it. He’s not ready to talk about that part of his past. It’s still an infected wound in him. It’s still hurting. He can’t do it. He’s about to say that when Sam holds up his hand.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” he says, surprisingly. “I don’t need to know shit if you’re not ready to tell.”
Bucky goes back to breathing. It’s a reprieve. Even if one day, Sam might expect him to be ready… it’s extra time. He’s so thankful for it.
“I’ll tell you though,” Sam keeps going. “You need a new therapist. Because if I know one thing, after everything, and what I saw in that precinct? it’s that Raynor’s not working for you. You need better. You deserve better.”
Bucky looks up at him then. Sam is looking at the water, but there is that look on his face. The look of determination, of drive, the look that Bucky knows… there’s no use in trying to go against what he is saying now.
No one has ever told him he deserved better.
He’s told himself that a few times, in the few moments where the clouds parted and he didn’t feel like the worst person in the world.
But he doesn’t think anyone has ever told him that. Even Steve. There was a couple ‘you deserved better’, but they were all in the past tense, all regarding Hydra, not Bucky’s current situation. Because his current situation is good. It’s great, compared to the past seventy years. Maybe even compared to what was there before. Because he doesn’t break his back in the factory during the day and in the docks at night anymore.
He’s so silent and shocked Sam just keeps going.
“And don’t give me bullshit about not needing help or whatever. I know your generation didn’t do therapy but that ain’t gonna fly with me. You deserve a therapist suited to your needs, and I know that’s gonna be hard to find, with your trunkload of decades of trauma, but we’ll find them.”
He says it with such determination, like it’s his new personal mission. He has much better to do than try to help Bucky more than he already has, and yet… Sam looks at him finally, for a long moment.
“Raynor’s not a bad doctor,” he says. “She’s just not the right fit. And that’s not uncommon. We just need to find you someone that’s better. And someone that’s not me. Because I can’t be your friend and your therapist, man. And out of the two, I’d much rather be your friend.”
Bucky’s still staring. He doesn’t know how to handle this. Nowhere in his databank of social interactions is there something that prepares him for this. He’s had long talks with people before, hell, even with fucking Zemo, but this is entirely different and he has no idea how to handle it.
“I’m sure you’re a great therapist,” Bucky says quietly after a moment, before he takes a big swig of a beer.
Sam chuckles, shaking his head. “You do realize I ain’t a therapist right? I’m a counselor.”
“You’ll have to give me the difference on that because we were still using alienist the last time I heard about psychoanalysis,” Bucky points out.
“There isn’t much of one. I guess I’m more about… finding practical solutions for people to deal with their trauma than really knowing the root cause of it. Probably because, since I worked with the VA, I knew what the root was.”
Bucky hums, nodding. That makes sense to him. More than the ‘how does that make you feel’s. “Either way, I’m still sure you’re a great counselor.”
“It ain’t difficult, with your experience,” Sam shrugs, watching him. “You don’t know better, old man.”
Bucky snorts at that, watching the water again. Sometimes, his eyes catch motion, but he’s never sure if it’s wildlife under the surface or just a trick of the light.
AJ and Cass seem to be debating with their mother whether they can finish their homework later, after dinner. Bucky barely knows them, but he already knows it won’t actually get done if they follow their plan. Kids are kids. Bucky’s sisters could never finish their homework after the radio show either. Too distracted, too tired.
He turns his attention back on Sam after a moment.
“Walker is in a bad shape,” Bucky says quietly. “Now, and before Hoskins died too. The second we saw him in Germany, I felt it. That guy didn’t get help.”
Sam sighs heavily. “Yeah. Not enough of them do, when they come back. You wouldn’t, if you weren’t forced to.”
Bucky can’t deny it. “Yeah, but I’m 107.”
If Sam noticed the year added to his age, he doesn’t mention it. At least for now.
“Some of it hasn’t changed that much,” Sam explains. “The army… You know that culture of toughness, right? Gotta be strong, gotta be a man. Can’t cry, can’t show you’re struggling. I’m sure they had that shit too, in your day, probably even worse.”
He’s not wrong. There were a lot of issues in his day but that was part of things. Emotional outbursts that weren’t from anger were frowned upon. Once they got to the war, it was even worse at first, until it started really getting hard. And then there were two options. Either you fucking cry with your buddies, or you end badly. Bucky had Steve, and the Howlies.
“Men like Walker… Because they’re these tough white guys, they’re encouraged to be like that. Aggressive, emotionally-closed off, fight-hungry. They’re the ones that shove you and call you a pussy for not laughing at their frankly horrible offensive jokes. It’s like they think the trauma we all face just won’t touch them. Or that they can’t show anyone it touched them. So they keep it all in. And the only way they get to be… emotional is in combat.”
Bucky nods quietly. They’re worse off than he thought.
It wasn’t good in his day either, but it just feels worse now. It churned and churned and got bigger with every spin, and now it’s all a giant fucked up stick of trauma cotton candy, all twisted in itself and sticking to itself.
“When I work for the SRT… Sometimes I see these kids,” Bucky mumbles. “They’re what? 22? And I ask them why they’re here, you know, try to pass time. And they tell me they enlisted for college. Or healthcare. And it’s…” He closes his eyes. “It’s been eighty fucking years…”
He takes a swig of the beer again, shaking his head. “When the crash hit, in the 30s, things were bad. No one could afford shit, there was polio, there was syphilis… It was really bad. And they made plans. They tried to get healthcare on the way, and they half succeeded. And more than like… two thirds of the population was for it too. And we had basically none of the resources we have now.”
He looks up at Sam for a moment. “It hurts to see… that it’s still… We’re still here. At least on that issue. On other stuff… Rights and all, that’s getting better.” He finishes. “But healthcare… and college…” He shakes his head. “It’s criminal. That’s what it is. It feels criminal.”
Sam bumps his shoulder with his fist, chuckling. “Don’t say shit like that next to journalists, they’ll say the Soviets put communism in your brain along with the murdering.”
Bucky chuckles at that. “Nah. That was all America. Living in it. Dying for it.”
Behind them, AJ and Cass have lost their battle of wits with their mother.
“You happy with what you’re doing?” Sam asks after a moment.
Bucky takes a deep breath. The answer is easy. “No,” he mutters. “But I don’t have a say in the matter. Until they decide I’ve done enough to undo the damage I perpetrated as the Soldier… I’m gonna be clearing Hydra safehouses. And after the shit I pulled with Zemo, I’m gonna be at it for a while longer, I think. But… I was expecting that.”
He can feel Sam’s eyes on him. “You knew what would happen.”
“Yep. On all accounts. With the Dora Milaje, with you, with Walker, with the U.S. government, and the GRC, and everything… Still did it.”
Sam huffs loudly. “Stubborn ass.” He shakes his head. He’s smiling, beautifully, brightly.
Bucky smiles at that. “You know it. Wouldn’t be alive without it.”
The sun is starting to set over the bayou. Every evening, Bucky finds himself thinking he’s never seen anything quite like it before.
“Whatever happens,” Sam points out after a moment, looking down at his empty beer bottle. “You got a couch here. Somewhere to crash. Somewhere to rest. I don’t know what your situation is, up north.”
Bucky sighs a little. “I got a house,” he answers, looking back at him. “A townhouse, in Brooklyn.”
Sam’s eyebrows rise up to meet the descending sun. “Well excuse us, mister.” He teases.
Bucky shakes his head. “It’s not like that,” he starts. Sam looks even less like he takes him seriously. “It’s a former Hydra safehouse,” he adds, and now his friend’s eyes get a little sadder, a little darker. “The army got tired of me taking space in their housing, so the second we raided a place within proper commute distance, they handed it over to me.”
Said like that, it sounds even worse than it actually was.
“It wasn’t like.. Full of Nazi or Hydra shit, or anything. It was just a house. They got rid of the bodies.”
The emotional journey on Sam’s face as he talks is worth a good dozen of sunrises.
“And you live there?” Sam asks. He’s struggling not to let his bewilderment and horror show, but he’s failing.
It makes sense. It sounds like an absolutely terrible situation to be in. It is an absolutely terrible situation to be in. As much as owning a townhouse in Brooklyn can be terrible.
It’s been about four months now since he signed those papers and moved his bag of things into that pretty house with the marks in the doorways and the basement he still hasn’t stepped foot in. And now that he’s been away long enough…
He guesses he kinda misses it.
He doesn’t miss the house in itself, much. He does miss… everything else though. Charlie, Miriam, the neighbor whose name he still doesn’t know, the familiar commute, the Chinese place he gets a lot of very late night food at, the proximity to his childhood streets, the way life feels there. He misses his night jogs in the relative quiet. He misses the weather, and the oven he baked kugel in for the first time.
Brooklyn has become familiar again, in all of its differences with his memories.
And he didn’t even realize it was happening.
“You should come, one of these days,” Bucky shrugs. “I have a couple guest bedrooms.”
Sam punches him lightly in the shoulder. “Fancy ass ‘couple of guest bedrooms’.” He teases and Bucky smiles. “So I’m guessing I should try and find some good therapists for you in New York then,” he adds.
Bucky shrugs lightly. “I feel like… I have some stuff tethering me there.”
Sam’s expression shifts for an instant. “Like the SRT?”
Bucky shakes his head. “Nah. Like my childhood congregation, that somehow still exists, and has a shul not too far from where I live.” He points out.
“Shul?” Sam asks.
Bucky smiles lightly when he looks up at him. A few days ago, Sam spoke of his teetee and Bucky probably made the same face Sam’s making now.
“Synagogue,” Bucky explains. “Jewish temples. Shul’s yiddish.”
Sam makes a small ‘ah’ sound and nods. For a moment, they’re silent again. The noises of the world around them aren’t threatening to overwhelm them though, they’re… comforting. A warm tapestry in the background.
“You’re Jewish, I take it?”
“No, I’m Mormon,” Bucky replies with the straightest face he can muster before chuckling.
Sam punches him again, a little harder this time. “Come on, dude.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m Jewish.”
That’s the first time he says that out loud in… He’s never said it like that ever. This is the first time in his life that he says it that way. The first time he’s not afraid of the outcome of such an admission.
It’s a heady, wonderful feeling. He never thought he’d ever be comfortable enough to do that. Somehow, he might have Zemo to thank for that. Zemo and his fucking questioning. Not that he’s going to be asking much more questions from the Raft.
He’s Jewish. That’s a truth that doesn’t deserve to be hidden right now. Not when he can carry it. Not when he is strong enough to bear it proudly. He feels like his heart is going to burst with something he cannot name.
“Did Steve know?”
Bucky bursts out laughing.
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Dear Charlie,
It hurts. The more I think about it, the more I try to figure it out, the more that it hurts.
I’m not the kind of person that he wants. I don’t know if I’m the kind of person that anybody wants, not really. So, maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be loved in return, but it’s enough to know how it feels to really love someone. There are a lot of moments where I wonder if I’m the kind of person that’s meant for love, I wonder that about life sometimes too. It’s not about me deserving it or not, it’s about compatibility. I know what I want and I don’t want to compromise it for someone else. I want to live where I want to and live how I want to, I don’t need another person to sway that. Who knows, though? Maybe this is just my attempt at trying not to care that Jack doesn’t want me too, that my own best friend can’t love me.
And the thing is, I’m not mad at him. I don’t hold it against him. I couldn’t do either of those things if I tried. I just understand, and wish it was different. I really thought I was over him, and I don’t know what to do about any of this. I’m not really sure what it’s going to be like when I hang out with him next. He was supposed to come over tonight to watch more of our show, but ended up not being able to make it. I’m kind of glad, I feel like I’d act really weird around him right now. Everyone’s supposed to go to the beach at some point this week too, and I think I’m probably gonna stay home. One, because it’s probably going to be Tuesday and I have a much needed therapy appointment in the middle of the day. And two, because I can’t stand the thought of getting into a car for more than an hour or withstanding a day where people can actually see me.
In case I didn’t mention it, the agoraphobia is getting worse. My therapist says it’s a problem now. I haven’t left the house in probably two months, and that was just to go grocery shopping. The trip to Trader Joe’s was overwhelming enough to make me decide not to go again. Not to mention, getting in the car makes me feel like I’m gonna throw up. Ever since the accident we got into in February, my car anxiety has gotten worse. Needless to say, I’m still not gonna get my license any time soon — maybe ever, if I can find a way to live like that. We have to go to a restaurant tonight for my sister’s birthday and I really, really don’t wanna go. I’m gonna try and see if I can stay home. I know that’s not the healthy option, but sue me. I’ve been having a rough time.
That’s not the point right now. Jack has a few days off of work this week, so he’ll be over eventually and I’ll have to figure out how to act like my latest crisis involves me probably still being in love with him. I’ve been trying to ask for his advice without actually telling him the situation. So far, he just thinks that I’m second guessing my feelings for Lani and I’m trying to deal with an incident from a few years ago. I was vague when I explained it, I mostly focused on the girlfriend part of it all.
The thing is, I’ve been really tempted to just tell him the truth. There have been more than a few times in the past two days that I’ve almost texted him out of nowhere and been like: hey, I might probably kind of definitely sorta totally still love you. It’s been getting harder to reign in impulses like that, and I don’t want the consequences that’ll follow if I end up acting on them. I don’t want things to get awkward, I don’t want him to get distant, I don’t want things to change.
I said once, in an old letter, that things would be easier if I knew I didn’t have a chance with him, that way I could move on. I’m gonna come out right now and say that I was dead fucking wrong. It’s so much harder to know that I don’t have a chance with him. My mind will wander to what if’s and hopeful daydreams, and I have to remind myself that it’s literally never gonna happen. He’s interested in his coworker and she’s interested in him. If he’s happy, what else can I ask for? If he’s happy, I can suffer in silence for as long as it takes to get over him. I shouldn’t be selfish by feeling jealous or mopey.
Maybe I should tell him. Is that really stupid? On the one hand, I don’t want him to get suspicious about how weird I am and figure it out. On the other hand, I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable around me if he knows. Mom asked if I told him how I felt and I told her that I did years ago, but not this time. I told Bella about my predicament and she said pretty much the same things as Nikki.
I wish that he’d be mean to me. I wish he’d make me cry or break my heart or do something that could make me get over him. The little slivers of hope that I get from the “nothing’s off the table” comment is enough to keep me going apparently, and I still wish he’d told me that hell would freeze over before he’d feel the same way. What if he did feel that way about me and never said anything? What if he thought I’d gotten over him and didn’t wanna start me back up again? What if there was a chance and I missed it?
I talked to my mom about the whole situation for like two hours and I think it just really set in that this might never go away. She said that, based on how I’ve been talking about Lani, it doesn’t seem like the relationship will go anywhere. She also said that I shouldn’t ruin my friendship with Jack even if he somehow felt the same. She talked a lot about meeting new people and I made it really clear that doing that is one of the last things I want.
I came to a kind of realization, and it really hurts. I don’t want love if it doesn’t make me feel the way he makes me feel, and I'll probably never find a connection like that again. Even Mom said it, that I'll never be able to find a person that makes me feel the same. She said I might find someone who makes me feel different, but still good, and I don’t want that. I don’t fucking want different. I know how loving someone feels, I don't want that to change.
It'd just be easier to be alone. I don’t wanna meet new people and feel uncomfortable for months or years before really getting to know them, before they really get to know me. I don’t wanna put that work in if they won't make me feel the way he does, if it isn’t worth it, because what would the point be?
If these feelings could just go away, I'd be content with keeping the friend group I have and never meeting new people. I would be content with never having a partner too. The only reason I want one now is because it's him. The moment I got into a relationship with someone else, I didn't really want to be in it anymore. I don’t think there will be anybody who will live up to him, and I don't know how to accept that.
And I’m trying to keep myself from doing something really impulsive and stupid like telling him about all this bullshit, because I just want to know. I wanna know once and for all if there’s a chance or if there isn't, but I can't ask. What if he just said him having feelings for me was a possibility because he wanted to be nice? What if there was never a chance and he just couldn't bring himself to be mean? Would I even feel better if I knew it wasn't a possibility? Would it make me feel worse? Who knows, because I clearly don't.
I don’t think I want anyone else. I know I could change my mind, but I truly don't want to do the work it'd take to get to know someone new if it wasn't a sure thing we'd have a connection like that. Mom compared it to all my trial and error with medications, and that just further solidified how much I don’t wanna do that. It took seven fucking years to get my meds right and I was so close to giving up that, if the latest one didn’t work, I was just gonna say fuck it and let the bipolar do to me whatever it wanted because I was so sick of trying only for things to fall flat.
I think I’d just rather be alone, and that I’m only thinking about relationships right now because I love him too much to not daydream about it. The other thing is, even if (a huge enormous big large giant galactic if) he felt the same for me, would we even act on it? Could we even risk destroying our friendship if things went badly? I don’t know if I could, unless I was sure things would be okay and I’m not sure, I can literally never guarantee that.
I brought it up with my sister, Hannah. I asked if I told her I was probably breaking up with Lani and she immediately guessed that it was because of Jack. I guess I’m more obvious than I thought. She said she’s been thinking about it because he’s been over so much lately, but I didn’t even realize my feelings for him again until this week. So, hopefully, I’m actually subtle. I guess we’ll see when I next hang out with him. I debated the idea of just lowkey ignoring him for a while, but I don’t want him to think I’m pissed off or annoyed with him. Plus, I love hanging out with him. I hope I’m not awkward.
It’s just a lose-lose-lose situation all around. There’s no chance? Lose. There used to be and now there isn't? Lose. There is a chance and we destroy our friendship? Lose. There's literally no good outcome for this, except the completely outlandish and unrealistic one, and that will absolutely never happen. Because, in what world would things ever go perfectly? In what world would someone start dating the person they’re with forever at twenty-fucking-one and have things never end poorly between them? Maybe it works for some, but I’ve never been that lucky.
The only thing I can do is sit with this and pray it will pass. It took me three years last time, if I can pretend I got over it at all, and I don’t know how I can cope with another three if I’m gonna feel this shitty the whole time. I really thought I was over him, and I don’t know what to do about any of this.
Love Always, Just Nick 06 | 20 | 21
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Dear Whoever: [Oikawa]
Synopsis: two broken strangers hold a mutual understanding of each other as they silently complete jigsaw puzzles together every Wednesday afternoon.
WC: 4K
TW: mental health issues, reader sucks at math, swearing, angst (but a lot of fluff) please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by these themes. Also: this fic has nothing to do with volleyball and is set in a clinic for mental health
Note: this is in no way meant to romanticise mental health issues, it is simply a story of a person (reader) who is struggling with their mental health and eventually gets better through the silent support of a friend she makes (Oikawa)
18/6/2020
Dear diary?
Is that how I'm supposed to start these entries off? I'm not sure. Well, uh...today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Her name is Mary and she gave me this book, told me to try it out and write in it as much as possible. I feel awkward though. I don't think I'll use this.
Until next time,
Yn
30/6/2020
So uh… hi?
My therapist told me to write here even if I'm not sad? So if something memorable happens. I don't know honestly. This is way too awkward. Maybe I'll get used to this. Maybe not?
Cya,
Yn
18/7/2020
I stayed true to my words, I really haven't written here that much. I'm doing good and I don't think there's anything wrong with me! I'm not sure why I'm being forced to go to therapy. I feel how I feel and it doesn't matter! I know there are people worse off than me and I don’t have the right to feel sad - I have a good family, good friends, go to a nice school and I have money (or well, my parents do). So why should I feel sad? And I just have a resting bitch face. It's not called being ‘depressed’ or whatever.
Asides from all that, the only reason I haven't kicked up a huge fuss about being forced to be interrogated is the fact that every Wednesday - the day I visit my psychologist, there's always the same cute boy sitting in the same seat opposite me, not to mention the same somber expression he wears.
I'm not sure why, but I feel oddly connected to him. As if our minds are connected and in tune. I feel like I know him and he knows me. I've been reading too many books. Lol! There's no way we have that connection. Besides, I've only seen him about 4 times. Yeah, I'm definitely making this up in my sad, lonesome head.
Farewell for now,
Yn
21/7/2020
Dear diary,
I saw him again. I still don't know his name. But today he looked up at me and smiled a bit, I tried to smile back but I probably just looked angry. Not that I have a problem smiling or that I'm angry or upset. I'm just stuck on default - stuck with a heavy frown on my face.
Sincerely
Yn
29/7/2020
It's a shame, really; I've spent so long trying so hard to get better. And I do want to get better, but it’s not easy. If I'm being honest, I thought I was getting better but when the quarantine hit I began to bottle things up again. Not seeing my feelings, having them buried deep beneath - locked away in the deepest pits of my heart… well, it was soothing in a sense. That way they did not exist, they were forgotten. I didn't have to deal with them. But I forgot the most important thing of all, ‘with good comes bad’ they say, I wish I had listened - to myself and to those around me, that bottling up feelings is really the worst thing to do. Because the longer you ignore them, the stronger they grow and the darker they get. I'm an idiot; really. I was a coward, too scared of my untamed, ugly feelings to face them head on, too scared to ask for support to help me face them. So here I am now, wallowing in the depths of my despair with an increasingly depressing inner monologue, typing this out in tune with it. I'm really bashing myself up, bottling up is the most harmful way to inflict violence upon one’s self, and I'm really feeling it. My brain hurts from narrating my problems and inner thoughts - it’s working overtime as a sort of coping mechanism. But what hurts the most - what burns the most, is my ever dry throat and teary eyes. Having to swallow the ever present lump that happens to make itself comfortable right at the back of my throat seems to really suck the moisture out of my mouth, hence my dry throat. My eyes really sting, the tears come and go, and boy, let me tell you - it takes so much strength to fight them. To stop them from rolling down as they would wish to. Feeling the tears well up and then forced to go away really burns. I'm not sure why; I do know that despite not having cried even once, my eyes burn as if I havent stopped crying since last week.
As dramatic as this is, this is how I feel. Quite underwhelming considering I've been harboring such strong, hating and dangerous feelings to myself since march. Though, this is my first time letting these frustrations out. I'm glad I've finally realised the burdens I carry. There's not much I can do.
See you next time,
Yn
2/8/2020
Hi,
Didn't expect to write that much in here but shit has been going down this week. Today my math teacher kept me in to tell me that I failed my math test, she told me that it was irresponsible of me to get as low as I got. The whole time she scolded me, I felt uncomfortable and like I could cry - I was close too, the tears were forming in my eyes. She asked me if I was planning on dropping maths, she basically suggested for me to drop maths. Oh! She also told me that I had to stop drawing in my book and that it was preventing me from learning because apparently ‘if you draw that just proves to me that you have no idea what's going on and you don't want to ask questions.’ and I'll give her that, I don’t - to both things.
The seats are so close it makes me anxious, I don't want everyone around me to know that I don't understand math! And besides, I seriously do not understand it so she'd have to sit with me the entire lesson to explain everything… I think there's something wrong with me.
Until next time,
Yn
3/8/2020
Hey, me again.
It’s still slightly weird to vent into a little diary but I'm getting there I guess. I'm so frustrated! Today has been the worst fucking day that I've ever experienced. For starters, I did double math for periods one and two, and then we got our tests back and I failed :) yep 23%!
I'm just soooo happy. If I'm being honest I don't care anymore. Maths is hard and no matter how much I study I fail at it. There's no point in me even trying now. I give up. What's worse is we had a substitute teacher and when she handed out the papers she gave my paper to some other girl in the class - who then of course, proceeded to have a fit about how bad the test is and that the tests were definitely mixed up. Well, they were but did she really have to explain to the whole class about how bad the score is? It was embarrassing to have to put my hand up and get the paper - my test, handed to me. It felt like everyone’s eyes were burning holes into my body. Right then and there I had a panic attack - I had already felt on edge since yesterday but the test conforming results plus the fact that everyone knew how badly I scored tipped me over the edge. I felt the tears well up but I pushed them back - refusing to show everyone how weak and pathetic I am.
I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little before texting my friends and telling them that I was about to have a meltdown. Unfortunately they weren't online and didn't respond, I had to go back to class anyway.
When the break came, I left to go back to the bathroom - my tears were still clouding my vision and I couldn't get rid of them. I think I may be superstitious but while I was walking I was stuck behind the girls who saw my test - they were talking about their tests. I didn't really care but then one of them said ‘how much do you need to pass?’ and the others just laughed, so she continued and said ‘seriously! Is 24 percent a pass?’ this made the other girls laugh even harder, it felt like a slap to the face. Like they were indirectly mocking me. The same girl then said ‘surely 25 percent’ which again, was met with laughter.
It really hurt. Even if I was just overreacting. Surely not. They had to be talking about me. Why else would they talk about low test grades when they are literally on to top of the class.
I just want to disappear.
Sincerely,
Yn
8/8/2020
I dropped my Ipad today - twice if I may add. I cried when it hit the floor, the protective screen shattering into small, sharp pieces. The ‘up’ volume button is stuck and can no longer be used, neither can the ‘on/off’ button. Guess I can only use the home button to turn it on and wait for it to go to sleep if I don't want to use it. I'm kinda fed up with life. I want to be taken away. I don't care how far I go. I just want to leave.
Not soKindly,
Yn
14/8/2020
Dear Diary,
Today has been alright, I made mini cookies which helped put a smile on my face. Ever since the first time I exploded in this diary, I've felt a humongous weight lift off of my shoulders. Picture this, a single person holding up 50 tonnes of bricks and then telling themself and everyone around them ‘I’m fine! I can do this! I don't need help!’ but then one day, the person feels even more bricks pile up which becomes overloaded and they can't keep it up anymore. So they begin to crumble under all the pressure and the weight until they just explode! After their explosion a new person appears out of nowhere and helps them hold the stack of bricks. It is not that lighter, but it's the extra support - the extra pair of hands helping keep the first person stand straight, that really means something. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I can describe how I feel. Still feels heavy in my chest, but this time it just feels a bit lighter - like the world isn't entirely against me.
From,
Yn
30/8/2020
Dear Diary
When I went to the clinic earlier this week, something unexpected happened. The cute boy - who i like to call my ‘Therapy Buddy’ pointed over to the small table where a bunch of unfinished puzzles lay. I was confused at first but still walked over there. We sat down opposite each other and offered small smiles to one another. And without saying anything we finished off the jigsaw puzzles until we had to part ways.
For the first time in a while, I felt calm - as if my nerves were soothed. Maybe I should upgrade his name to ‘Miracle Buddy’ because I am 100% sure the reason I felt at peace was his doing - his presence.
Until next time,
Yn
7/9/2020
Dear Diary,
Therapy Buddy and I completed the jigsaw puzzles again today; no words were exchanged. I think he’s cute. I don't have a crush on him. I literally don't know him. I just like being in his presence. And besides, we've only done this twice. Who's to say we'll do it next week?
Cya,
Yn
15/9/2020
Whats up bitch Diary
Haha. Therapy Buddy is definitely smart. He was so quick to complete a 200 piece puzzle! I barely helped… he's cute when he concentrates as well. Oh yeah, we did end up doing them today. I noticed he also carries a diary with him. Maybe he writes in it like I do? Who knows. I hope he's written about me… I mean he probably hasn't but who knows, am I right?
Sincerely
Yn
21/9/2020
Hey Diary,
I'm really struggling going to school, I find it hard to concentrate in math class. Actually yeah, I like going to school but it's when I step into the math class, when I go in I feel my chest tighten and my throat dry. I have spoken with my parents a lot. They said I can drop maths if I want to. I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future but I have a faint idea: a psychologist or an artist. I need maths for psychology I think. I'm not sure. I think I'll just stick with it and hope next year goes better.
From,
Yn
29/9/2020
I look forward to going to the clinic. It no longer feels like an interrogation now that I walk in with an open mind. I'm still not getting much better with maths so I asked to be dropped down a level and now that i'm in a new classroom, a new environment, i feel less nervous. Maybe i’ll be able to get at least something done.
Kindly,
Yn
12/10/2020
This is a disaster, the other week when Therapy Buddy and I were sitting together - in comfortable silence might I add, we mixed our diaries! I can't believe this. I didn't realise until I got home! I had no ways of contacting him either. I hope he didn't read through it. If he did, I'm in trouble, I'm not doing good. I feel sick in my stomach and my throat is constricting. Ok I'm going to go, I'm having a panic attack just remembering.
Until next time
Yn
13/10/2020
Hey Diary!
In the midst of panic yesterday, I missed an important detail. Therapy Buddy left his name and phone number in my book. He must have opened up to write in it only to realise it wasn't his book. I hope. I'm a bit scared to text him. He has a pretty name - Oikawa Toru.
If I'm going to be honest, I read a little of his diary! I couldn't help it, I just wanted to write my feelings but I opened up on his latest entry, I read it and I shouldn't have. I feel a bit guilty but now, more than ever, I feel closer to him. He's feeling a similar way to me.
Yeah, I think I'll go for it. I think I'll text him.
Sincerely,
Yn
20/10/2020
What's up Diary!?
I'm glad I texted Toru! Since then we've been texting non stop but we've made a promise - to not speak to each other in person until we’re both doing better. That's fine with me. I just know my voice would betray me if I decided to chat him up in person. I've found a sense of comfort with Toru, he's no longer just my Therapy Buddy (although that's his contact name), he's now my friend who I can seek comfort in, and he seeks comfort in me too. I hate to say it, but I think I may have a small crush on him. This is a pain in the ass, I really hope I don't. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. But he’s really cute
Kind regards,
Yn
25/10/2020
Hey diary,
I'm feeling a lot mentally better, I wish I had realised sooner that going to therapy was helpful. Having someone who just listens to you and doesn't give their input unless you want it is soothing. I'm not as anxious to go to math class, of course I'm still trying but I've adopted the mindset: what's done is done, all I can do is look forward.
I have good news about Toru. Today he said to me ‘when I’m ready I want to love you and for you to love me.’ I know I don’t love him but I’m not an idiot, I know I have some more-than-friends feelings towards him.
From,
Yn
27/11/2020
Dear Diary,
Things have been really looking up for me. Im feeling a lot happier and the weight in my chest is a lot lighter. I almost feel free. I've been thinking of career paths a lot lately. I think I want to be a psychologist. If it weren't for Mary, who knows where I would be now. Thanks to her I've been able to feel better and do better. I want to be like her. I want to be able to help people through their problems - whether it be a minor inconvenience or a major one, because I know how it feels. I understand what it feels like to have the whole world against you - as if every force and person in the universe were working unanimously together to bring me down, ‘but I survived and so can you.’ That's what I will tell them. And also ‘We can get through this together,’ and let's not forget ‘this will be challenging so we both have to put in 100 percent to getting better!’
Sincerely
Yn
12/12/2020
Hey diary,
I am full of joy.
Today Toru texted me and asked me if i wanted to spend New Years Eve with him! I said yes and were going to go to the park to have a picnic and watch the fireworks! I'm so excited. I hope he is too! I just cannot wait.
Oh yeah! I can't believe i haven't written it in until now! I've just been so happy and excited and wow but the two of us went out to a cafe and he bought me a drink - we still haven't exchanged words and spent the whole time sitting next together while texting.
In that moment I felt so happy, I knew that this is the guy I want to be with. I have a crush on him and wow... I it feels good to get that off my chest and out into the open,,, I wonder if he’s ready? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait as long as I have to because Toru is special and I don’t want to lose him.
It is New Years Eve and I have made plans to catch up with Toru, he's going to pick me up at my house and together we’ll walk to the nature park where we’ll spend the night having a picnic and being in each other’s presence. In my small bag I have snacks and drinks packed, along with some board games - why not? After all, I'm planning on confessing to him tonight and I thought doing it while engaging in one of the things that brought us together was the way to go.
There is a timid knock on the door and I quickly run to answer it.
As soon as I open the door I’m met with a cardboard poster with the words ‘Happy New Years Eve, Yn!!’ written in big, large letters. I smile as I look at it, Toru definitely was not an artistic person but the thought was sweet and made my heart swell. I pull out my phone and text him a thank you before receiving one back from him; ‘you look extra beautiful… Yn.’
I read the text a few times before my brain finally gets the message, a large smile creeps up onto my face and I hear him try to stifle a laugh.
I turn away from Toru and yell out ‘bye bye! I'll see you tonight!!’
When I turn back I see Toru reaching out his hand; as if he were asking me to hold it.
Toru’s hand is pretty, our fingers are linked together and they rest comfortably. Nothing feels forced, it all feels natural. I look up at him and wonder if he feels the same, as if he knew what I was thinking when he squeezes my hand. Yeah, we definitely have some strange connection.
We spend the whole journey to the park texting, and as much as I love texting him and hearing him quietly chuckle during conversations it no longer feels like enough. I want more. As greedy and selfish as that sounds. I know I said I would wait for him - as long as it would take, but I'm getting impatient. Tonight i'm going to speak to him… I hope he does as well.
The park is beautiful, the flowers are trees surrounding the border and trap out the outside world. It almost feels like I'm in a magical fairy realm - or something like that.
We found a spot near a garden bed and I noticed the arrangement of flowers fairly quickly. I find it funny, the flowers almost represent everything i feel for Toru - maybe our meeting was indeed, fate and maybe this was fate telling me to confess.
I pull out a 5000 piece jigsaw and text ‘wanna play?’ which Toru of course agrees.
I have had fun, all night we’ve spent playing various games and eating snacks. We still haven't spoken and that's getting me down. I can't help the intrusive thoughts - ‘does he not like me?’ ‘he's not ready’ ‘you're just a friend.’ I try to push them out of my head but before I crumble I find a new thought: ‘maybe he's just too shy to make the first move.’
That is, it was up to me and it was the perfect time to confess - ten minutes until the new year. I quickly got up and made an impromptu bouquet of the flowers that resided next to us.
Shaking, I turned towards him. “Hey… i’m Ln Yn and this is for you…” I handed him the bouquet and tried my best to ignore the look on his face - I couldn't tell if it was shock out of happiness or anger, “you asked to know the meanings right?” I move closer to him and point out a flower, “well, see that flower? It's a light purple lilac that resembles young love… and this one here, it's called a belledonne which means silence, this one’s a begonia - representing dark thoughts, oh and this one! It's a pink camellia which symbolises longing - particularly longing for a romantic relationship with the receiver, and this daisy right here means innocence and hope. And lastly, the hibiscus represents delicate beauty.’ I swallowed a lump in my throat as I looked up at him, I didn't realise how close I got to him - our lips were mere centimeters away.
‘Hey… I'm Oikawa Toru and I like you too. Why don't we give a relationship a try?’
I smile. I smile so large I feel my cheeks hurt. This, this is the happiest i've ever been. ‘I’d like that.’ Toru smiles with me, he’s beautiful, even with the dak thoughts plaguing his mind.
‘I like your voice’ we say to each other before laughing.
‘Wow.. we really said that at the same time huh?’ he laughs. Instead of responding I grab a hold of his hand once more and squeeze it. ‘It’s kinda annoying, I wanted to confess first…’
‘Not my fault. Bet it wouldn't have been as romantic as what I did.’
‘So telling me the meanings of flowers is romantic?’
I gasp as he doubles over in laughter and without realising we fell into an easy conversation - much like one we would have over text. Everything with Toru felt natural.
The fireworks go off signalling the beginning of the new year, Toru leans in closer and his eyes don't leave mine.
‘Hey,’ he says softly, ‘can I kiss you?’ I gulp and nod, within seconds his lips were delicately pressed against mine, they were soft and smooth - even if they were slightly chapped. They felt natural against my lips. The kiss was short and sweet. Deciding that it wasn't enough to satisfy me, I went back in after we pulled apart and we both smiled into the kiss - our lips passionately moving together, like two jigsaw pieces that were made for each other.
When we pull back, Toru drags me into his chest and says, ‘I'm ready to love you.’
Taglist: @ladyrenart
Hushudhidwhuwihahuaf ïm im sorry this is horrible and I definitely don’t plan on using this style of writing anytime soon! I promise the rest of the series will be written nicely !
#haikyuu#haikyu#haikyuu x reader#fluff#x reader#angst#oikawa#oikawa toru#oikawa x reader#oikawa fluff#oikawa angst
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It’s been so long since I’ve felt so low.
I have so many thoughts swirling about in my head that I want to write down in hopes that they stop plaguing my mind but I don’t seem to have the words. That, and any time I go to write them down or express them to someone who has noticed I am depressed and lost in thought or bothered by something, I suddenly feel as though they aren’t worth sharing either because I must be making them out to be bigger than they are, or because I feel like I can’t trust the possible responses or reactions I will receive. Too many times have I been “too much” or “too intense” or “too attention seek-y” or whatever. I don’t desire to burden those that I love with the thoughts in my head. But still, I’d like to at least write them down. But then how to put the words?
How do I write down that it feels as though each day my body becomes heavier like as if I can slowly feel each individual pound of mass that makes up my body, and god is each pound heavy and pulling me to the ground. I am a skinny underweight afab adult, how is it possible that I feel so heavy? Why does it feel like every piece of my body wishes to melt into a puddle on the ground? And why does it feel like if I tried hard enough, I would succeed in doing so? Just blending into the fabric that makes up my carpet.
And then how do I express that I feel so distant from my husband, and like the distance has only been growing between us? Because I’m sure that it’s primarily just in my head, as he’s just as loving, affectionate, and doting as ever. Yet for some reason I feel as though we’re separated by a barrier, and it’s impossible for me to cross and I don’t understand why. But this causes me to feel as though he’s going to leave me, that one day he will finally wake up and realize that I’m not actually who he thought or hoped I was and he wasted too much time and energy on me, and that he’s not happy with me for a vast majority of reasons and then leave? How do I bridge the gap that I feel like I must have somehow imagined and then created?
How do I write out the intrusive thoughts that my brain plays on repeat to torture me? How do I explain that my body seems to be able to recall sensations it has never experienced in this lifetime? I have been hit by large vehicles, and years later I can recall the sensations perfectly but why is it that my body knows how it feels to burn, to drown, to suffocate, to be electrocuted?
How do I get back to a point of being capable of functioning without breaking down over every minor thing? How is it that I was ever functional before? How did I manage to go to school or hold down jobs, have friendships and relationships, how is it that I managed to parent and keep a house clean? How did I ever do things before, when I can’t even seem to drag myself out of bed?
How do allow my therapist to help me, and to tell her the things that are bothering me and that I am struggling with, when I can’t even put it into words for her or even other people? It’s her job to listen to me without judgment, so why do I feel incapable of telling her that I’m struggling and instead play it off like I’m just constantly anxious and manic? I’m not, dammit. I’m fucking depressed and why the fuck can’t I just tell her that?
Why the fuck am I so embarrassed, so ashamed to feel the things that I am feeling? Why am I ashamed to admit that I am depressed and struggling?
Why can’t I go a fucking day without crying, or a day without feeling completely and utterly worthless and useless?
Why can’t I find words for the fucking feelings I have and the shit that my brain is putting me through? This post doesn’t even describe anything or give any of it justice.
Why can’t I look at my kitchen without breaking down into a mess and immediately just crawling back into bed under the covers and wishing that I weren’t still here?
Why can’t I stop plotting ways to leave? Not in a scary permanent fashion but more just in a running away sort of deal. I have been trying to avoid the scarier thoughts, but I can feel that they’re there.
I have been neglecting everything, which is something I am ashamed of. Which, obviously makes me feel worse. But I’m so overwhelmed by everything, I can barely move or bring myself to do even small necessary tasks. I break down crying and ask my 11y/o to refresh the cat’s water dishes. That’s ridiculous. It’s a simple task that takes like ten seconds.
And then also why the fuck does my trauma and RSD have to constantly plague my thoughts with shit like I’m not good enough and whatever? I’m fucking tired of it. I’m so fucking tired of it
I’m so done you guys, I’m so done. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I have been struggling and I have been spiraling, and I just can’t handle it anymore.
People keep checking up on me and I don’t even know what to say at this point. I either just ignore it or keep saying things like ‘yep im fine, just the usual’ because I mean thats not really completely incorrect. It is ‘the usual’ even if for some reason it’s more intense and frequent than usual.
I keep telling myself I just need a mental health day. But how do you even give yourself a mental health day when you don’t do anything or go anywhere? When you have no money to spend on yourself? I already take breaks from everything, to the point of basically just neglecting it. So what would a mental health day even look like? I play my games, I read, I occasionally do art, I try to do things I enjoy. I forced myself to go on a walk yesterday. I wouldn’t say that made a difference. If anything I felt worse later in the evening once my husband got home because I felt like I had done something wrong. (He didn’t do anything to make me think that. He was proud I had gone for a walk and done something to get dressed for and get out of bed. He praised me. But still I wound up feeling like I did something wrong, which is why I think it’s in my head.)
I’ve been playing a lot of video games and mobile games. I’ve been using a lot of escapism and I don’t even know what I’m escaping from. I just would prefer to be in a different world or reality, I guess, and get wildly uncomfortable and unhappy realizing that I’m in the one I’m in. I don’t know.
I’m just... I’m struggling. Badly. and I don’t have the right words to explain it. This honestly didn’t touch it, despite the wall of text attempting to.
I’m sorry.
#bpd#bpd stuff#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#actually bpd#depressed#depression#depressive#depressing thoughts#help#This is a cry for help#tw#personal#borderline personality disorder#personal vent#favorite person#mental health#mental disorder#mental illness#scared#I dont feel well#I need help#scared of myself#im sorry#struggling#frustration
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Survey #309
“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time / and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”
Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though.
Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere.
Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it.
What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya.
Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No.
Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either.
What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before.
Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days.
Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever.
Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway.
Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them.
Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know.
Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up.
Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple.
Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No.
What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily.
What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time.
What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering.
Do you wear a watch? No.
Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore...
Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves.
What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole*
Is your computer decorated in any way? No.
If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into.
What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions.
Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places.
Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal.
Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so...
Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have.
Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic.
How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for.
How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation.
Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no.
Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly.
Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not.
Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place.
Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so.
Have you ever had a steady job? No.
Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools.
Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no.
What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha.
What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo.
How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say.
Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that.
What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence.
How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works.
Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too.
Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes.
Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though.
Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro."
Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection.
Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take.
What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No.
Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable.
What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either.
What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day.
Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least.
Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food.
Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia."
Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures.
What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent.
How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed.
How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway.
When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it.
What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons.
What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick...
Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me.
What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (:
Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No.
Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist.
Are you shy? I am VERY shy.
Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be.
Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once.
When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure.
Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful."
Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work...
How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there.
Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes.
What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey.
What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life.
Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you.
Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah.
What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing.
Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid.
What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do.
When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke.
What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River.
Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh.
What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked.
Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither.
Would you rather read or write? Write.
When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures.
Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy.
When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad.
Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything.
Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment.
Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates.
Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No.
Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people.
Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to.
Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No.
How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative.
Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it.
What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork.
What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white.
Have you ever been suspended from school? No.
Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe.
Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor.
What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha.
Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine.
Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months.
Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today.
Have you asked someone for advice today? No.
What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube.
Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity...
Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time.
Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No.
The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_;
Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened.
Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little.
Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no.
Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school.
How many video games do you own? A whole lot.
Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No.
Have you ever visited a sex shop? No.
How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One.
Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too.
Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no.
Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff.
When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao.
Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative.
Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes.
What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's.
How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances.
Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house.
Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No.
What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing.
Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro.
Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.
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Submissions from 🦚🌺
So took me a while to scroll through to my last tagged ask (for some reason searching didn’t work). So much about staying consistent and actually tagging my stuff from now on. Gosh uff. The one where sibling found possible drugs and the one about mom being xenophobic almost causing shut down as in passing out were me too. I usually either tend to forget to tag or I guess am kinda scared since I feel I send in A LOT? I really don’t know. It’s just a lot going on and I feel bad always (1🦚🌺)
I feel bad always throwing all my stuff at my friends. Especially as one friend a few years ago was diagnosed with depression. Idk what her current situation is tho except that she seems to do better. I won’t ask her since I feel weird about that stuff. Plus really unless she wants to tell me it’s none if my business. But yeah that’s that I guess. Now… I’ve been rejected from the art college/highschool unfortunately so that’s out the window. My therapist suggests volunteer year 2🦚🌺
Whivh we have a social and economic one of I think? Idk. I know social won’t work because of my likelyhood of social anxiety which kinda self explanatory I guess. Economic I’m just scared I wont be able to pull the whole tear through, scared to do stuff wrong etc. Hell I spent 2 low sleep nights crying after the rejection and mom forced the answer out of me when I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Turned into an argument about how I got forced into abitur/regular highschool 3🦚🌺
And OBVIOUSLY she blames dad for it. Which like… great whatever he told her. My point is HE was more supportive in front of ME than she was. She just tore me down 2 years ago. Next week I dont have a therapist appointment since she will be moving. So I’m praying this week will go by smoothly. Well as smooth as it can go with all the arguments around here I guess. I’m still trying to process everything since March 4🦚🌺
1? 2? I’ve lost track of time … weeks ago she and her bf fought very badly and she essentially ran away for an hour, he claimed he is leaving but then stayed. My younger sisters were all crying, my brothers were just not surprised and I had to try call family members (which calling others is a physical challenge for me) trying to find a way to deal with what happened. My therapist knows about this incident. She now also knows moms bf smokes weed but not about what 5🦚🌺
else we found. I’ll see if I can bring it up soonish since it still worries me… my brother also later confirmed again he caught them snorting it so yeah most likely we are right about it being cocaine. I feel uncomfortable looking up the effects of it but my cousin said that could explain a lot of moms behavior. Shes always been this way I think.I right now dont even remember where I was going with this ask chain hhhh frick.I’m loosing track of myself once again please send help 6🦚🌺
(Have to switch to browser because app again refuses to let me send stuff wtf) My mom also is back onto “oh you just have split personality!” … I have informed myself on DID and OSDD, I have symptoms yes. But I doubt it’s that. In fact my therapist even talks about that stuff with me! I have different parts but mom doesn’t know they exist so idk. I tried to literally tell her how DID is made and she didn’t want to listen. She claims she did almost everything right and I’m making up 7🦚🌺
My trauma. So you would think that she would stay away from assuming such a trauma heavy diagnosis. Welp she actually doesn’t know anything about mental health either way and legit took my brother off his adhd meds years ago because “they changed him too much” and then refused to take him to appointments when we noticed signs of tourette in him because she felt like she fucked up as parent?? Wat?? I can’t make sense of this woman anymore tbh 8🦚🌺
Sorry that this is all over the place, it’s 1am for me rn, I cant sleep really, still am trying to process I won’t see my friend who I was looking forward to seeing this year for 2-3 years and who would have been a temporary escape from this hellhole until at least another year or 2 depending on the situation, being in the top 10 corona countries and in fact second most infected state in germany and really just switching between sliding down to a kid and /or almost passing out 9(?)🦚🌺
almost passing out when trauma responses shut me down and I just can not describe my emotions of the past months other than I just want someone to hug me and to feel safe and to feel like this mess at home and the world isn’t happening. My mind is all over the place and I feel like at this point I’m going insane and I’m not making any sense anymore. Again sorry for the probably stupid rant/,vent that probably made no damn sense idek anymore - final🦚🌺
So much about what I sent in yesterday hoping for the best. 3 hours ago I woke up to a message chain about how we (me and my siblings. We are 6 in total) apparently abuse her and use her. And basically just complaining about the tiniest things regarding chores. For example yesterday I completely cleaned the kitchen and she complained because some dishes stood around since people still ate AFTER I did the chores. Like tf. My friends say it seemed like from the screenshots that she is 1🦚🌺
using us as tools? Idek anymore. She also completely ignored me sending her and asking her stuff about the valounteer year last night since the school rejected me and I need that alternative. Apparently a clean flat is more important than my literal future. On the other hand I for once had a normal conversation with my almost 15yo brother (I’m almost 19, however not mentally and also not in the position to move still especially with the virus and all) and it turned out that he shares 2🦚🌺
Moms views on therapy whivh I’ve mentioned in the past aren’t really the best views on it. So yeah that’s just great. He basically just thinks it’s stupid. Either way. Currently my only way of possibly getting away would be a psychiatric /mental hospital stay. THING IS while I’m bety aware it isnt like in the movies I am deadly afraid of the thought. Not having my freedom to come and go when I please, not being able to meet up with friends or something etc. I would not feel safe and 3🦚🌺
it would just expose me to a lot of stress and anxiety which wouldn’t be any better than being yelled at constantly at home and having mom shit talk my friends. Everything is just kinda a mess with her rn and my siblings don’t see it from my perspective. Like YES we mess up and don’t do things right. She has a reason to be mad. But NO she doesn’t have the tight to essentially abuse us and no her behavior isnt parenting this is manipulation. 4🦚🌺
They only see the first half and think she’s in the right… I myself struggle to differentiate right and wrong and am unable to read situations well, which is why it took me 17-18 years and my friends calling it out to realise this is wrong. But I at least listen… they don’t. I sometimes just wish I grew up in a stable functioning family. Or honestly that she never even had me since she was VERY young when she had me so that’s probably why she never learned how to 5(?)🦚🌺
Act properly towards us. As she had me when she was just my age (18) and then the following 8 years had 4 more of my 5 siblings. I feel she never had time to grow up and learn herself especially considering she was abused herself…. final🦚🌺
Hi 🦚🌺,
It's good to hear from you again! There's absolutely nothing wrong with messaging us often, so feel free to tag all of your asks that you send in! I think that will actually make it easier on both of us, as you'll be able to find responses easier and I can look back on your previous asks easier to make sure I'm not missing anything or repeating myself :) Also, the search function on tumblr is quite picky, so unfortunately it can be hard to find posts. I've run into the same issue with locating old asks on the blog as well!
It's understandable that you don't want to bug your friends with your problems, especially if they have some mental health struggles of their own. However, it might help to think of it this way: mental illness is so common that chances are most people you meet will have some sort of struggle with their mental health, which means you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about your struggles if you don't want to bother someone who struggles with their mental health. That doesn't seem fair to you! While everyone needs to have boundaries, especially to protect their health, I think it's reasonable to share things with your friends when you're struggling. You deserve that support, especially with everything else you have going on in your life!
It must have been devastating to not get into art school and I'm so sorry that happened! It does sound like volunteering could be a potential route for you to go down, even if it's just until you figure out what you want to do in the future. It makes sense that certain volunteer options can be rolled out based on the nature of the work and the things you struggle with. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that wouldn't trigger your anxiety. For instance, I volunteer for a text-based suicide hotline, which I do from home. I'm not saying you have to do something exactly like this, but it might spark an idea that you or your therapist maybe haven't thought of yet. It's just something to think about.
What's going on with the drugs in your house is definitely concerning and I think it would be a good idea to bring that up with your therapist. It's really dangerous to have these kinds of drugs around with younger kids being there. Not only is it possible for kids to accidentally get into it and harm themselves, but it's also dangerous for them to be around adults that are high because of their erratic behaviors. This is why I think it would be wise to talk to your therapist about this to see what input she has.
It's great that your therapist has talked to you about your diagnoses as well as what you don't have that your mom has tried to say you have. I'm sure it's frustrating to have your mom make those accusations, but I think it's good that you at least have your therapist there to reassure you that you don't in fact have those diagnoses.
It's so disappointing that your friend won't be able to visit as you guys had planned because I know you were really looking forward to that! Unfortunately, coronavirus seems to ne ruining plans for most people all over the world. Hopefully you guys will be able to come up with another plan for meeting up, though it likely won't be able to happen until the pandemic is more under control. Still, at least making tentative plans for meeting in the future may give you both something to look forward to once travel is finally safe again.
I'm so sorry that your mom treats you and your siblings this way. It does sound like she may use you guys as tools, as your friends put it. This is sometimes another sign of abuse/neglect, which honestly isn't surprising considering all of your mom's other behaviors.
What you mentioned about getting out of the house makes sense and I agree that an inpatient stay might not be the best way to go about it. Not only will that be more restrictive, as you mentioned, but most hospitals won't allow inpatient stays unless the person is incapable of keeping themselves or others safe while receiving outpatient care (though I obviously don't know whether this is the case for you). I still think it's a good idea to keep thinking about potential ways of getting out of your mom's house once you're ready for that. One option I'm wondering about is a group home (I think these may be called something else in other countries but it's basically a house where several adults with varying physical and/or mental illnesses live together and there are usually various types of staff who also stay there). These can sometimes be a bit restrictive, but much less so than a hospital would be. I believe they typically have a curfew, otherwise you're allowed to leave during the day. Although I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you (and it probably wouldn't be anyway until after the pandemic is more controlled), it's just something that popped into my head when thinking about other ways of eventually getting you away from your mom's abuse.
What you said about your mom's parenting vs. manipulation is 100% accurate. It's very common for someone who was abused by parents to go on to abuse their own children unless they put in the effort to change, but know that you still don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. It's not your fault that your mom was abused and never unlearned the negative behaviors she saw experienced as a child. You and your siblings all deserve so much better than this!
-Samantha
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I mean, I’m over it.
I don’t even think it was a trigger. I was on the way here if not here already. sometimes it takes me a little bit to pick it apart.
I did have a good day. I felt godawful when I woke up but it helped to get out of my head. charlotte and I went to the mall, bought too many things neither of us needed. cinnabon included. I’m never really a fan of trying on clothes or looking in mirrors but it wasn’t terrible today. I found a sweater I really like, and a nice knit cardigan. and a blue jacket at old navy that was at least $50 full-price but was on sale for $15; it actually looked pretty okay on me. it’s nice to go shopping and not completely hate how I look in things. I do wish I could get over my hair being so thin. I honestly feel like I’d feel better about my body if my hair were just thicker. I’m tired of caring so much about my physical appearance; of feeling so gross and self-conscious all the time that I need to adjust my hair every few seconds. wish it were just as easy as “stop caring”.
we went to bath & body works and I tried another sample of the rose/vanilla lotion in their aromatherapy line; I hadn’t smelled it since I went to get that other rose stuff. I almost wish I’d splurged a little on that one instead though. it was just as nice as I remembered. I kept smelling the back of my hand while we went around the mall. talk about aromatherapy.
I even felt pretty okay after charlotte dropped me off at home. I do think I’ll get myself out of this. but it’s not okay that it’s still happening.
I still want to make music. I feel like I have so much to get out but I just don’t know how. I keep falling back into chords and songs I already know. last time I thought I came up with something cool, I realized two days later that it was echoing Hozier’s In The Woods Somewhere. not the same notes, but the same pattern for sure. I don’t even know all that many chords, just the basic ones. I don’t know how to do much more than that. lessons didn’t help me either. it makes me real sad. it’s discouraging. I have the space for a setup now and I got a table all laid out with my midi keyboard and interface, put my amp and looper pedal next to it, and I have my guitars sitting in their stands. but for now I’m just looking at all of it, like it belongs to someone else.
don’t know why I feel like I have so much more to say. like there’s something I need to get out. I don’t even know what it is. maybe I trained myself this way. feel anything, bad especially, write. I don’t even expect it to resolve; it almost never does. I don’t always have something to say. sometimes I just write to write. there’s always words floating around in my head, and sometimes I just need to get them out, not get a message across.
I prefer living alone. I do. every time I’ve had roommates, even good ones, it’s been stressful for me. some days I just want to be alone and I relish having a space solely of my own to come home to. but other times it’s just too quiet. I feel like I did when I was at school-- this is nothing new to me. I used to sometimes wish my mom would stay at her boyfriend’s so I could have the house to myself, but other times I wanted her to be home. I knew she’d inevitably snap at me for something or another, but I’d still go downstairs to talk to her. I’d still hole myself up in my room, but somehow it was a small comfort to know there was someone else home. now it’s just me.
I thought about it earlier; I wish my mom and I were closer. there’s so much I wish I could talk to her about. if she’d ever been better about mental health and emotions. when I get really anxious she’s the first one I think to call, even though I know in the past she’s gotten mad at me for being unable to stop panicking. I still have that hope that she’s someone I can go to for comfort. this isn’t the first time I’ve wanted this badly to call her over feeling bad. your mother is your first comfort in the world, you should be able to go to her for that at any age. I feel like I’m mothering my own shitty brain and sometimes I just want to be able to go to my own mother and cry on her shoulder and have her hold me and maybe even offer some advice. but she’s got her own issues. I take care of mine.
yesterday would’ve been my dad’s 74th birthday. it hit me probably a bit late, but it hit me nonetheless. looked at that picture at just the wrong time and I was done for. I wish I could call him too. I’m afraid I’m going to forget his voice; I already forgot so many of his stories. he got on every last nerve of mine before he passed but I miss him so much. he’d asked me, one of the last times I saw him, did we deserve this? and I hope he knows he didn’t.
whatever trajectory I thought I had, I feel like I’m losing it again. maybe it’s the seasonal affective. maybe it’s whatever the fuck this is. I’m so tired of being me. I’m only 25 and I’m fucking exhausted. I want so badly to be hopeful. I want to be able to experience the future I think I want, one that I’ll be happy with. but I have so much fear I’ll never get there. and it’s not for lack of trying. I can do everything right, and things can still go wrong. it’s happened before, it’s not unlikely it’ll happen again. I’ve accepted that fact. but if that’s facts... how can I let myself be hopeful?
the rational part of my brain has been tapping its foot for a week at least. are we done with this shit yet? can we maybe stop? when the bad feelings stop, I stop reacting to them. I can make myself stop crying. I can make myself get up and do things. I’ve been picking myself up off the floor, calming myself down, keeping myself distracted, and trying everything I know how to do to feel just numb if not better for years. I can’t make this feeling stop. it stops when it stops.
I’m going to send a message to my psych’s office and ask about therapy. they do have telepsych options as well, and if they want me to do weekly sessions that would be the best option for me. I’ve needed a good therapist for longer than I’m probably aware of. I’ve tried a good number of them and none of them seem to know what to tell me. I swear to god if this one calls me “wise beyond my years” like the last two... while I appreciate the compliment, it’s not helpful. I’m hyperaware of how hyperaware I can be. once I learned to train my critical thinking skills it just made the spiraling worse. I’d like to learn how to stop doing that. how to shut my brain the fuck up. how to not hate being myself in a world I don’t feel like I’m made for. how to take steps forward instead of being too scared of every possible outcome that isn’t good. you know, easy stuff.
---
I don’t know. I’m just tired. don’t know and frankly don’t much care if you even read these dumb posts anymore, gavin, but I’m sorry if you’ve bothered to and sorry if you’re tired of my shit too. I told you I didn’t want to put this all on you; you’ve got your own shit to deal with and I didn’t want you to think it was your fault in any way. don’t quite know what you’re going through, but you don’t need to be pulling me out of this nonsense on top of it. this sure would be one hell of an overreaction to “us being in a relationship is an unrealistic scenario”, especially when I kind of already knew that. sucked to know for real for real, but not that much, lmao. that’s not what started this spiral-- this started well before you and I ever met. more than anything you’ve been helping me reach a point where I’m hopeful I can get out of it and I’m so grateful to have you as a friend. I’m not really sure you feel like you can say the same about me, and I’m sorry for that too. you being so distant lately just feeds the nasty part of my brain that convinces me I drive everyone away. you’re well within your rights to take your space, but I just really hope it’s not because of anything I did. this time of year is reminding me of last winter, when you had a break from work and we’d stayed up all night for a few nights talking about anything and everything. I miss that. and please don’t worry about leading me on; I’m glad to know more definitively where you stand and I respect that. I really do just miss your company, whether you’re feeling good or bad or whatever. that’s, you know, the whole thing with friends. I know you isolate, and I guess there’s not much I can do about that. just know I’m still here. I’ve still got a hand out, if you’d like to take it. and that’s okay if not; it’s there anyway.
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TL;DR - i finally got an MRI for my ear, which has been fucked up and constantly clogged since september and developed tinnitus in february, and apparently, supposedly, there is nothing wrong with it. so there’s nothing to do about it. so just like with my eye and my skin and my lung and my etc, i have a problem that i can’t do anything about, that i can’t even get the satisfaction of a diagnosis for, and i’m so pissed off about how much time and energy i’ve spent trying to improve things for myself when there was absolutely no point in doing so, that i just want to set my body on fire to really show it what i think of it.
i’m so, so mad. the last couple of months have been almost nothing but wall to wall doctor’s appointments, and with zero exception, they have all been a complete waste of time. it hurts because my body tortures me, of course, but it hurts worse than that because i convinced myself that i HAD to do this, that it was Mature to face my fear of doctors and generally the Right Thing to Do, when i absolutely didn’t want to do any of this at all.
i suffer a lot from an internalized impression of myself as being lazy, defeatist, and dramatic. it comes from a lot of places. i grew up in an environment where i was the only open depression sufferer, under one parent who definitely considered depression to be an antisocial behavioral problem, to be treated like any other shallow cry for attention. i also grew up in an environment full of obvious talents, all of whom would go on to be published, or even public figures, and not to be a complete asshole, but the idea that “you can do anything you put your mind to” is kept alive by people who have the baseline talent necessary to succeed at things they put their minds to. if you subscribe to the idea that success requires nothing other than commitment, then the implication is that all failure is a matter of laziness, petulance, and defeatism--never lack, never inferiority, never ordinariness. on top of all this, my personal interests--horror, sexually graphic media, comics, underground music movements, the usual roundup of morbid or antisocial cultural items--were considered pretty much...well, not very adult. so what i’m coming to is that if i can’t prove my adulthood in any way that has to do with who i am or what i’m capable of, then the very least i can do is Be Responsible. (and of course i get made fun of all the time for being an uptight rule follower but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LITERALLY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO)
one of the main ways you can Be Responsible, if you have the means that is, is to look after your health. the world is full of icky, boring, degrading, depersonalizing, and occasionally painful tasks that are necessary to keep the societal cogs turning. if you can’t make art or have ideas or be beautiful or become an athlete or whatever, you can still show that you’re alive and generally hygienic by going to the dmv, voting, showing up for jury selection, or going to the doctor. you can still grasp the final shred of integrity offered to you by doing things no one wants to do, but that we know are necessary for the vitality of self and society. so i’m extra good at doing stuff that people my age frequently shirk--the dentist appointments, the doing your taxes the second the forms come in, etc--because they’re sort of the only things i can do that prove that i’m not, you know, a complete piece of shit.
so this year, at the start of february, i decided i was going to get a real handle on my health. i’d been going to doctors for various things already, of course, even though it was pretty much never satisfying; the only thing i can think of that ever got fixed or explained was the pathological growth of scar tissue over my eyeballs, which required some pretty fucked up surgery. but at this time, i had a lot of problems building up. my left eye developed a small spot, and a constant glare that borders on having double vision. my right ear remained completely stuffed up since i had a cold last fall, and began to ring constantly at the end of the winter. my right lung has felt alarmingly tight and weak for...years actually. the right side of my face is constantly beet red, like i go fresh with somebody’s wife, and i can see how it’s thickening and bending my flesh all out of shape, which rosacea will do progressively and incurably throughout your entire life. i decided that instead of quaking in fear of doctors, and also in fear of wasted time, i was going to straighten my back and go nip this shit in the bud. after all, when you’re miserable but not doing anything about it, people kind of hate you, and then you have THAT problem on top of all your real problems. sometimes you gotta give the people what they want.
so how did it all go?
my skin: since no insurance company considers rosacea a medical problem, which is actually complete fucking bullshit, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i researched what rich people do for their uninsurable problem, and decided to use my recent (traumatic) inheritance to take care of myself. i tried three different preposterously expensive topical treatments that i was told are a “magic bullet” for rosacea, and all of them made my face blow up like a fucking macy’s day balloon. then, after four rounds of extremely expensive, painful and scary laser treatments, i had absolutely no results other than that my face was actually MORE reactive for about a month after the last one. i’m fucked.
my eye: according to my optometrist and ophthalmologist and corneal specialist it’s “just” regular scar tissue from my terrifying surgeries, not the pathological scar tissue that i had to have removed via terrifying surgery and localized chemotherapy. this kind of sucks because it means i can’t just get it removed again, but at least there is a slight chance that my body will reabsorb it like regular scar tissue. (oh yeah? and what’s my luck USUALLY like?) my only “treatment option” is to use eyedrops four times a day, which is actually extremely uncomfortable, and which pretty much means i’m just not allowed to wear makeup ever again.
my lung: after two rounds of clear x-rays and a breathing test that only detected slight asthma, through two GPs and a pulmonologist, nobody has anything to say about why i have this chronic breathing problem. there’s some indication that it might be a “muscular-skeletal problem” that’s putting pressure on the one lung, so i guess i need to add a physical therapist or something to my endless list of specialists.
my ear: two or three trips to urgent care (i forget how many now), two GPs, an ENT, a fucking weird hearing test, and an MRI have done absolutely nothing for me. after a cold with a sinus/ear infection last fall, my right ear remained permanently slammed shut; if i pop it, it closes back up in seconds. i do not have the same problem with the other ear, it is clearly a physical problem. in february, my ear began to ring agonizingly and has not stopped for a second. in all this time, i went through round after round of antibiotics, antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, steroids, etc. nothing works. no one can see any type of problem. apparently i have the option of electing to have a tube surgically inserted into my ear, although i can’t quite figure out what the risk factor is, both for my tinnitus, and for my hearing in general.
and OF COURSE, depression: part of the stigma against depression is that it’s a choice, somehow. like fresh air and exercise and looking on the bright side are so effective that if you’re depressed, it must be because you LIKE IT THAT WAY, because otherwise you would use these simple and free cures for your so-called illness and it would be all over, right? anyway i kind of hate being depressed, and i’ve been working my fucking ass off trying to deal with it. i see a nutritional therapist (a licensed psychiatrist) who prescribed me a number of nutritional supplements that i do think help, but they are unthinkably hard on my stomach. i tried lexapro, and it made me feel so abnormal, and cut into my general quality of life so badly, that i didn’t keep it up. i tried a generic version of wellbutrin, and it made me violently sick to my stomach, and caused my ringing ear to ring deafeningly for days after a single dose. the brand name version wasn’t much better. then i tried lamictal, and felt totally great AND NORMAL for like a week, and then i got the rare and potentially deadly lamictal rash. sometimes this just indicates a basic allergy, and sometimes it indicates Stevens-Johnson Syndrome which causes something called TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS WHICH REQUIRES LONG TERM HOSPITALIZATION TO GROW YOUR SKIN BACK. i had to deal with this on the day of mandatory final exam presentations in a class where i was already struggling, and this was one of the darkest days i can recently remember. after this, my psychiatrist tried to prescribe me abilify, but after i started to hear about the side effects and personal testimony of certain friends, i decided i couldn’t handle it. very possibly, i just cannot be medicated for depression, unless i’m willing to sacrifice everything else around the depression too.
...this is all pretty much a retread of an experience i had for a few years, a few years ago, where i was having these abnormal paps, so they constantly had to drill painful core samples out of my cervix to keep checking up on the NOTHING that was going on in there, until one day they were just like...uh your tests are coming back fine now, and we don’t know why they didn’t before, and it just doesn’t matter, you don’t have to do this anymore PLUS you could have just been sitting on your couch jerking off this entire time and it would have done exactly as much good as this cycle of being humiliated and tortured by doctors in a while that leaves you curled up in a ball sobbing every time. i’m still pretty pissed off about it, if you can’t tell.
so like i don’t know why the fuck i’m doing all this. i don’t know why i do anything. nothing fucking comes from even my most herculean effort except a relentless sense of mystery that is starting to border on satire. i don’t know why i have so many problems. i’m 38 years old and i’m in ok shape. i don’t have generalized immune issues or anything. my doctor said i have some of the best lab work she’s ever seen. why the fuck does all this shit happen to me. i’m trying so fucking hard to enjoy my life. it’s hard to be in mental and physical pain all the time, the latter for absolutely no coherent reason. i mean i’d rather have a bunch of random problems than like, lupus or MS or something, for sure, but everything that happens to me is so meaningless and arbitrary, i’m starting to get that feeling like god hates me. it’s also hard to have the constant feeling that so many people think that failure to enjoy life is exclusively a matter of “not trying hard enough”, being a pill, looking for attention. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m real pissed. i think what i need is a change of philosophy, which will be a long hard road. at least i know it’s the one and only area where i, and only i, have some level of control. wish me luck.
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this was a couple years ago, i guess.
i think about this a lot. partly maybe because it’s a kind of representation slash particular manifestation of a bunch of things that’ve fucked with me. partly because i guess i haven’t talked it out enough. partly because… well. there’s a path for thinking there, but we’ll put it aside for now.
first off, i’m sure the place i’m going to grouse about works for some people, has served some people well or at least all right, etc. i don’t know for sure; i’m not going to go seeking that right now.
but like.
god. so the gist of it is that during my final semester of creative writing grad times, i agreed to go to this ed recovery center place. i didn’t WANT to - i deeply didn’t want to leave kristine or laramie - but the timing worked as well as any, i did wanted to get some of my act together, and i had the insurance to cover most of the cost, so. so okay. so i went.
and the gist is that it was fucking wretched, or i found it wretched.
the gist is that i found myself unheard or/and misunderstood or/and ignored.
the gist is that everything in me reacted against that place, left me feeling fucked in that place, and that over and again i was told to endure it. left to feel like it didn’t wound me the goddamn way it did.
i fucking. hate it. i hate that fucking place; i hate the people who kept me in there.
it isn’t that i didn’t try to give the place a chance. like yeah negative goddamn reaction from day one, but i fucking tried. and kept trying. and let myself be talked into staying longer, then longer, every goddamn day rending me.
i didn’t feel okay there. i rarely felt anywhere close to okay there.
i disagreed with… so fucking much about their philosophy? also about the ways certain aspects of eating and eating particular foods were framed like. i’m not going to talk about that here but just. there were some insidious messages woven in here and there and many, many places.
this may have been just me with people, but as far as i can recall, i rarely felt comfortable in group therapy sessions; there was always i think more performance in it than i liked. (i mean on my part. i mean partly because i couldn’t just keep talking about how Wrong the place felt to me, how fucking badly i wanted to needed to leave because 1) nobody in treatment needs to hear much of that probably 2) i absolutely didn’t need to hear more of my peers telling me ‘oh u just need to keep waiting you’ll see’ and 3) idk just like… i don’t know i had a three, it’s gone, whatever.) i don’t. feel like going into that further, so whatever, here i go, move along.
related: i was fucking. frustrated and at times nearly infuriated with myself, because it was easy to frame myself as someone Who Was Willfully Resisting Treatment or Who Didn’t Want To Get Better or Who Was Being A Bad Patient (which hahahaha is fuckinggg bullshit anyway heY). like ‘oh no why can’t i just focus on RECOVERY and do what i’m here to do?’ OH YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU’R FOCUSING ON HOW TERRIBLE THIS PLACE MAKES YOU FEEL, THERE’S PROBABLY A GOOD REASON!!!
and again, and again: ‘you need to focus on other things.’ ‘it’s fine.’ ‘sometimes treatment is uncomfortable.’ ‘you’ll see.’
like look fellas, pals, i am and i was real sick of this eating disorder bullshit, all right? i’m sure some part of me is clinging to some parts of it, but like. i wanted to improve my shitty relationship with myself and whatever with food. i want to connect to me, and i was fucking looking for ways to do it, ASKING for goddamn help in finding those ways.
and the aid provided was just. not enough. not nearly enough.
like ‘oh you can go sit in your room for an hour at x time (never mind the loud fucking fan in there that fucks with your comprehension) but really this is going to count against you even though we won’t TELL you that until you return to group and we’re like OH YOU ARE IMPROVING LOOK AT YOU BEING AROUND PEOPLE’ like hi fuck you but i don’t need to. socialize the ways you want or participate in all of these fucking groups i feel little belonging in to goddamn be ‘improving’ or whatever.
like ‘here have some earplugs’ okay i’ll try okay guess what THIS IS STILL NOT HELPING.
like mostly, like primarily ‘journal about it! give it another week! you’ll feel more at home!! you just need to give it time!!!’
at no point (i don’t think? i know i forget a lot of things but also if it did happen it was fleeting) did anyone on my treatment team seem to seriously entertain like. the idea that maYBE THIS PLACE WAS JUST NOT GREAT FOR ME. probably it would’ve helped for me to like. set myself up to enter some other program, but the entire Being There thing shook me enough and tbh tbf did set me up with some strategies so that i felt capable of going the fuck back home. (also lmfao like i had money to enter another program, hm.) and also? and also. i wasn’t near like. an actual danger point.
oh and by the way i loved, really super loveD the way my therapist kept questioning my relationship with kristine like. yes i know i talked about her a lot BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT HER and because i’m a sentimental shithead and like look we’ve had our whatever bumps of figuring things out but she’s super fucking supportive of me and in general i think we do a lot of good for each other? and this therapist was just. clearly super doubtful, hinted and hinted in a ‘this is unhealthy’ way that ours was a codependent relationship and my dudes, i do NOT care for the directions she seemed to be heading in.
also just. therapy sessions - individual as well as group - weren’t helpful to me, and from the sounds of it i had one of the less objectionable therapists. i tried to express this a few times, but she’d be like ‘oh we’ll get to that eventually.’ ‘oh, there’s no rush.’ like excuse me wait are you like?? just kind of pacing out your time according to a certain schedule like what the fuck this isn’t helping so i’m supposed to?? wait another three weeks and maybe, MAYBE then we’ll get to something moderately useful?
like holy shit every session felt useless felt like i was being pulled in directions i didn’t care for felt like i was being scarcely tolerated and you know what i get that it was probably tiresome listening to me talking over and again about how terrible i felt just being in that place, but mayyybe you could have listened to what and why i was saying, rather than continuing to brush it off as ‘deal with it’ and ‘oh sometimes people feel that way at first’ and ‘no i don’t think you know what you want.’ also hi that wasn’t the only thing i tried talking about but you were helpful ummm literally never bye.
and like. thinking on said therapist, there were certain… malevolences, subtle but working their way through her and a would-be ig quirky persona and like. it did not feel great. i did not feel great, anyway.
rarely did i feel even remotely okay in that place. and i know treatment centers aren’t fuckin. famous for being comfortable or whatever but like the alienation i felt was just… it wasn’t entirely related to like. my relationship to myself generally or to my relationship to my body or. i mean. shit and shit and shit, i have a hard time getting at the core of this, or anywhere close to it. my alienation felt very specific to that place, and most everything left me feeling further fractured, fragmented. like i was being taken into pieces and not in ways that worked toward rebuilding. like i was being or allowing myself to be erased with a glance.
i have a history of, i guess, being quietly devastated by other people. particularly people who are supposed to being providing some kind of care.
and it feels strange to me, hearing in a place of supposed recovery that what i’m asking is too much, that i’m just not trying the right way, that my instincts are wrong.
can i fucking. tell you something about my gut instinct, trauma-honed as it’s been for decades? IT TENDS TO BE REAL FUCKING ACCURATE. especially when i meet someone face-to-face or am physically in a place. like. look, i doubt myself about a lot of things, but my reactions are usually pretty solid.
and every impulse in me. every goddamn instinct was telling me GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. fucking shouting it within the first hour of being there, and yes i told myself give it a few days, give it a week, because yes sometimes you can get used to things or i can. but this? the shouting continued. it was like. a constant fucking battle to muffle this impulse almost the entire time i was there.
like yes, once in a while i was able to convince myself that things were getting a little better and maybe it would be all right to stay after all. but most of that?? i think was like. trying to cling to the stasis of ‘oh this is life now why shake it up?’ because you know what else i’m real good at??? enduring shitty situations in which i feel like i’m being ignored slash my needs aren’t being met, ayyYYYYYYyy.
i’m sure there are things i’m mis-speaking here, misrecalling. but the overall of it feels right. i am… angry. and i am not angry often.
okay also this feels and felt like a minor gripe but also it… really wasn’t? and maybe it simply wasn’t possible to change but like. look it fucked with me, whatever. point being that there was a very large, very loud air vent in my room. and like. i have a hard time concentrating slash functioning slash processing anything where there are constant loud noises happening. (cold’s nearly as bad; no amount of layering keeps me from shutting down in chill.) it wears me out and i cannot, 100% cannot relax. and like I FEEL SO SHITTY BITCHING ABOUT OH NO A LOUD VENT IN MY ROOM but it amped my anxiety up, made talking on the phone real fucking difficult, made writing reading thinking pretty much impossible. every time i told them they were like ‘what can ya do’ or ‘try the earplugs’ but like. whatever. anyway.
something else: i was thirsty all. the fucking. time. which 100% happened the first time i was in treatment, and after like two months of hospitalization they were like OH HUH I GUESS YOU DID NEED MORE WATER ALL ALONG like thanks guys okay. but yeah this treatment center was round two for thaT. i brought it up multiple times, spaced out over days or weeks or fuck if i know. and it was brushed off like ‘no you’re not.’ or ‘live with it.’ or ‘your urine looks fine in the morning so there’s nothing to worry about.’ like cool story fuckos and i get that maybe you think you have reasons for caution but it doesn’t change the fact that i am always thirsty and thirsty in that like painful way? i am just asking for like?? one small extra water drink even once a day? …no? cool. thanks.
i did my shitty journaling, you assholes. i tried to communicate. and do you know what i heard? nothing, nothing, fucking nothing week after week.
and ha. HA. when i did finally screw myself up to leave? when i reached the ‘you know what i can’t keep living like this i have other places to fucking be where i can be me and work on healing with the people i was working with before this’? my treatment team dove hard and heavy into a campaign of ‘oh but if you leave against medical advice, your insurance might make you pay for everything!!’
over. and over. and over.
what i should have done was call my insurance. i’d say i don’t know why i didn’t, only lbr, i’m terrible at phone calls, terrible often at doing what needs to be done, and i was fucking scared like. i don’t know. i don’t fucking know. but i also don’t think anyone suggested that i contact my insurance? which?? is weird, in retrospect (or not weird at all). and like every goddamn day once i’d declared my intention to leave, they just kept hammering it in, and in, and in. and like, really?
i don’t know what the were told. what they might have heard, what they might have known, to what extent this might have been a scare tactic. but i eventually found out from my insurance that it was never going to be an issue. and like. i have some heavy fucking doubts about their intentions in taking that route so very, very hard.
i think there are other things i maybe meant to say.
mostly, i’m just tired. and angry. but too tired to write any more of the angry.
like hey, to be dismissed time and again. to be told my instincts are awry, when i goddamn know they’re telling truth. just.
thanks, fuckers. thanks for the terrible fucking trip.
#cw eating disorders#this is me#semi-rambling about this fucking#treatment center recovery center whatEVER#that fucked with me#so like#keep that in mind if you take a look#should also probably#cw emotional abuse#for brief references to it i guess
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So I know this is a vent blog but honestly like
I'm really grateful to my fp for helping me learn how to handle not only my bpd, but my other personality disorders, too. Whether it's avpd or avpd traits is a little up in the air w my therapist right now- at this point the list is kind of long and we're focusing on managing symptoms rather than what precise label goes where - but npd is a definite. When I met my fp I was mostly just questioning npd traits; I realized as I learned more about it and talked more to my therapist that I have, like, The Whole Thing. You know how it goes.
I'm determined not to be my mother who I suspect has bpd and npd traits -probably not the whole disorder, but some of our thought patterns and perceptions have been pretty similar in that regard -and kind of ruins everyone's life she touches, including mine. She's badly fucked her own self over, her husband I really don't think she abuses but he also seems uninvolved in some pretty significant ways; he just kind of let her do whatever she wanted to us, believed her over us, and she hides some of her worst abuse from him- like hitting me with a hanger, and choking my sibling and throwing them to the floor to scream at them and not letting us tell him what happened. She's also just manipulative and controlling and blames everyone else for her negative feelings and anything that goes wrong, even (especially) when it's her fault (sort of how her throwing me into a wall as a teenager was my fault somehow... lol). So that's oart of my motivation to work hard with therapy and learn to manage all this stuff, but really put some focus into managing my narcissism. It's not going to benefit me, or anybody else, if I'm unselfaware and I just treat people like shit all the time -which I don't, but I don't ever want to, and there are always places I can improce as a person.
It's hard to be honest and fucking excruciating to be vulnerable. I have a huge ego and a massive rift in self-esteem, I can't confront shame (so I use other mechanisms to motivate me to adjust problematic behavior) and I'm incapable of self-compassion, which apparently is essential for healing your inner child or something. I guess my inner child is just going to have to stay broken, but I can work on other things.
Fp has aspd and npd, which I think I've mentioned here before; and he's conscientious enough and makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him about new things in my life, even things that make me feel vulnerable. We don't have all the same symptoms of course, but we share several, and he's got a lot of experience learning how to manage comorbid personality disorders, and when I'm really struggling he's extremely helpful in clearing my perception- and often he's the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it, given that childhood abuse gave me such trouble with trust. I've known him for nearly 2 years now, and he's only ever demonstrated more commitment to treating me well, and so I trust him. I mean, I don't /really/ trust anybody. But I trust him more than anyone else, and he's made me feel more comfortable being secure and he's never been malicious or gaslit me or been cruel to me or put me down or any of the shit some other people have done.
I've also learned a lot about how dysfunctional my family is- for instance, defensiveness to the point of making an ass of yourself instead of correcting your mistakes, seems to be a family trait. Stuff like that is pretty frustating, given I'm (still) too sick to work and I have to live with them (but with therapy and a purse full of medicine I'm getting there). I isolate here a lot, because communication breaks down so easily, and then I get frustrated, and I don't want to snap at people and I want to try to identify what I could do to smooth interactions; and some things I'm oversensitive to because they remind me of my abusive mother (but apparently I'm not allowed to say "hey please don't do this because I have a history with it happening to me in greater degree and it's bad" because then I get accused of comparing people to my mother... anyway I spend a lot of time by myself.
Recently I've been deep in a ptsd swing because an alter got a (shiny!new!) flashback to our csa and so we had a bad couple of weeks tbh but it seems like that's smoothing out now. I haven't had a flashback or a panic attack in a couple of days and the nightmares are better too.
And I've realized that a lot of what I was so worried about before -a lot of what I yelled about on this blog actually- was just... not all an inaccurate perception on my part, but that I noticed changes in communication with fp and reacted to them in a characteristically borderline way. I correctly registered that he seemed more withdrawn, was less warm, etc. And when we talked about it, he told me he still liked me just as much as ever, but he was depressed, like we'd been talking about, and he had less energy and he just hadn't been expressing it the way he had when he'd felt better. And that's something I'm familiar with, because it's super common with depression and I've withdrawn like that, too.
He told me this friendship, and his being my fp, is important to him and he wants to maintain it, and he was glad I shared my feelings with him, because he wants to know if there's a issue. I told him that while I didn't want to make him feel taxed while he's depressed (or at all), more expression would ameliorate my anxiety and make me feel more secure. He didn't blame me for feeling the way I did, didn't try to make it my fault (it wasn't anyone's fault; I have my symptoms and he has his and we communicate out limitations and work on issues together) just told me he appreciated me, my friendship, and my communicating with him, and he'd adjust his behavior to help remind me I was liked and valued. And he has, and his depression has gotten better with meds, and I feel better (and the fact he was so receptive and so willing to put in the effort also made me feel better) and he's helped me as I've been stressed over family drama (my mother having some drama with other family members- I need to figure out somehow who's telling the truth but it's gonna be uhhh stressful) and over the new piece of trauma we remembered (not good) and the worsening of ptsd symptoms.
I feel stable in our friendship, and have done for several weeks now, and that's been the defining trend of our friendship over two years. It's fucking hard for me to feel stable or secure in friendships, especially with fps and especially when I have strong romantic feelings for them, but he puts in a lot of effort to help me feel that way, /and to help me improve my baseline ability to feel that way./
Our friendship is predicated in many ways on what's most useful; for instance, it's beneficial to him to put in that effort because I feel better, and so there's less maintenance work he needs to do. That's not a drawback; we genuinely like each other and enjoy one another's company, and help each other a lot, and while it's not an empathetic friendship from his side, it's a kind ans supportive one, a safe one, a sheltering one, a comfortable and profoundly important one. It's the strongest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it's done as much or maybe even more than therapy has to get me through struggling times and improve the way I feel about myself and other people.
This is a long fucking post right now but like. I'm really grateful for this man. I always have been. I have strong emotional reactions to real or percieved abandonment, and I see it everywhere, but he never tries to make me feel bad for it, just helps me feel better. I yell a lot on this blog but there's a reason I haven't really posted here in a while (and other things go wrong elsewhere but I usually post about that on my other blog. That's where my ptsd and family vents went.) I have an as-soon-as-possible goal to get myself well enough to work, and save enough money to move so that I can live where he lives. I'll finally be away from toxic family (telecontact, I'm sure, but still a meaningful distance) and regularly able to see the most important person in my life, and I think that has a lot of potential to help with my mental health.
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ooc: elia and ashka chat logs
[ooc comments supposed to be removed but i might have missed some. there is a Lot of logs bc we forgot to post until now]
shadowed-moonrise
oh my god what is WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE
shadowed-moonrise
i got some horrifying anons!!! theyre so horrifying!!!!!!!
flameofcertainty
hang on let me turn off my blacklist for a moment
uh
uh
quick question: what the fuck
(not directed at you!)
shadowed-moonrise
i just
like
wow????
they sent me a followup ask like 'didnt you read what i said, my gf likes it'
shadowed-moonrise
and............... i dont....... think she does
like that does not sound like a healthy relationship and i hope they just made it up to creep on me
flameofcertainty
"hi i'm a rapist"
"wtf"
"no but she likes when i rape her"
i just
*what the fuck*
shadowed-moonrise
right
WHAT THE FUCK.
shadowed-moonrise
i was just talking earlier abt how i dont actually like that anybody can read my hyper posts but i make them on publicblog for like Awareness right?
shadowed-moonrise
and i thought i meant like abstractly, like maybe theres somebody reading them and cackling bc they dont agree w/ my politics or whatever?
but APPARENLTY
APPARENTLY
people will send me creepy asks about raping their hyper gf
flameofcertainty
some people are just really terrible?
i guess?
what are they even getting out of this?
shadowed-moonrise
i think some people just........ enjoy making other people suffer????
or maybe somehow they thought i would be like "i think this is hot or a good thing to do or whatever, thank you for your service to the hypersensitive community"
i dunno what goes on in these peoples head
shadowed-moonrise
heads
flameofcertainty
maybe tumblr just hates hypersensitives or something
it would explain a lot
shadowed-moonrise
like, okay, but what would you hate hypersensitives for
like theres somebody who hates hypos (and IS A NAT THERAPIST, AUGH) for.... not hating pollution enough, i guess
but hypersensitives are boring? we dont go outside much bc the outside is fully of scary?
flameofcertainty
maybe tumblr is just weird like that?
or maybe we're easy targets?
shadowed-moonrise
oh yeah that makes sense
flameofcertainty
most meso folks don't have a button they can press to get a reaction out of us
shadowed-moonrise
if you wanna make somebody suffer its so easy to target people with a big 'make me suffer' button
flameofcertainty
right
shadowed-moonrise
ugh im sort of regretting making it public
i could have just not mentioned it and had a really good blacklist
flameofcertainty
most of the time people aren't that bad
and then there'll be a week or two
where people send you nothing but asks about pollution
shadowed-moonrise
i blacklist some stuff but im generally okay talking about pollution if its like, abstract, so i dont do it that aggressively and then........ sometimes............. people take advantage of that
shadowed-moonrise
i wish you could like, have vulnerabilities without people just randomly deciding to fuck with you for no reason
flameofcertainty
yeah
flameofcertainty
hang on
i just scrolled down
>i’ll put my foreign object ;;;;) in your body ;;;;) ;;;;)
***what the fuck***
shadowed-moonrise
yeah.
oh GOD
i just got
another
flameofcertainty
oh no
how bad is it
shadowed-moonrise
bad enough im not sure i should tell you what it says
flameofcertainty
my brain is helpfully providing suggestions
why is it like this
are you okay
shadowed-moonrise
im.... probbly going to be in a minute
fuck
"the last "person" to hide their caste on this hellsite turned out to be red. i bet you aren't even hyper, you're just pretending so people won't suspect. i know what you really are."
thats what it says
flameofcertainty
aaaaaaaa
what the fuck
flameofcertainty
why would anyone send that to you
shadowed-moonrise
i dont know
i dont know
what did i *do*
flameofcertainty
i don't know
fuck
i guess if they think you're red that would explain why they hate you?
but seriously
what the fuck
flameofcertainty
i'm so sorry
flameofcertainty
why would anyone say that
shadowed-moonrise
anon hate doesnt usually get to me like this but
sob
why
the fuck
i dunno if they even really think that or they just want to upset me
flameofcertainty
i don''t
i don't know
fuck i'm so sorry
are you going to be okay
shadowed-moonrise
yeah. yeah.
flameofcertainty
is there anything i can do
shadowed-moonrise
i dont
think so
flameofcertainty
other than not be the sort of terrible person who would send those messages
shadowed-moonrise
thamk you for not being htat sort of person!
im so glad most people arent
flameofcertainty
it's really not hard
shadowed-moonrise
oh i can... go take some eytelia right now
it will only help in 40min but i might still need it then
shadowed-moonrise
brb
shadowed-moonrise
ok back
flameofcertainty
okay
anyways what the fuck
shadowed-moonrise
someday i will have coping mechanisms other than "get high in a way that coincidentally also helps"
flameofcertainty
i mean if it helps
then that's a lot better than nothing
shadowed-moonrise
yeah it is
shadowed-moonrise
im gonna go curl up and not look at the Fuckening Internet, i guess
flameofcertainty
seems reasonable
shadowed-moonrise
ttyl <3
flameofcertainty
ttyl :)
shadowed-moonrise
hiiiiiiiiiiii im back im not sad anymore because im so high
shadowed-moonrise
i got another horrible anon and i dont even caaaare
flameofcertainty
i'm glad you're feeling better
sorry about the terrible anon
shadowed-moonrise
also did you know art is pretty
its so pretty
flameofcertainty
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
i saw a video of a yellow playing the yellowest instrument ever and i wanted to send it to you but tumblr messages werent working on my everything
maybe i can find it again..........
shadowed-moonrise
http://theyre-a-geeky-witch.tumblr.com/post/138457594516/ here
flameofcertainty
that's actually really pretty
flameofcertainty
thanks
flameofcertainty
anyways what's up
shadowed-moonrise
i gotta work in a couple hours
by which time hopefully i will be able to handle it
idk i dont HATE it but its hard on the badbrains
flameofcertainty
i can imagine
shadowed-moonrise
like i feel ok now bc hiiiiiigh but im not very excited about leaving the house and going places
shadowed-moonrise
there will be a green party where im supposed to just pretend to be green tho!
i like those
flameofcertainty
that part sounds nice
at least
shadowed-moonrise
ive been thinking & writing a lot about how thinking-on-drugs works and greens always wanna talk about that
shadowed-moonrise
one time a client had me go to a thing pretending to just be green and it was nice and then she *told everyone she hired me* while i was in the middle of talking about my cs paper (my actual cs paper, which i actually wrote, and she implied i didnt even though i CLEARLY THOROUGHLY UNDERSTOOD IT)
flameofcertainty
???
why would she do that??
shadowed-moonrise
i wish i had just walked away but i didnt know what to do
some people....... have a humiliation kink
shadowed-moonrise
and like, okay, ill do that if you WARN ME, but you cant just spring it on me???
flameofcertainty
i am super not a sex worker but "tell people in advance" seems really obvious
shadowed-moonrise
YEAH
shadowed-moonrise
i didnt really say anything at the time bc i was so shocked but later i like messaged her and was like 'thats super fucked up'
shadowed-moonrise
she didnt really get it but she agreed to pay me extra for like, i didnt know what service i was providing beforehand & thats more costly
but she only engaged with it in like, super businessy terms
flameofcertainty
how does she not get it
this does not seem particularly hard to understand
shadowed-moonrise
i think she was like 'im paying you for both sex work and going to a party so i can just like do whatever, right?'
and there was also some like 'greys are toys'
shadowed-moonrise
fucking blues
shadowed-moonrise
i do not usually go in that much for caste solidarity because im so bad at grey + greys are not great about that but in that moment if somebody asked me i would have supported a military government
i could explain 'pay people for services and also lay out terms beforehand' but not 'greys are.... people..... dont be a fucking asshole'
flameofcertainty
i don't think i've ever actually talked to a blue
at least not to say more than "excuse me, can i get through" or "the soap is in aisle five"
huh
shadowed-moonrise
there... exist blues who are okay
there even exist blues who are okay and hire sex workers and do kinky things about castes with them
flameofcertainty
i believe you
shadowed-moonrise
like 80% of the people who hire me are entirely fine?
flameofcertainty
they can't possibly all be terrible
otoh a terrible blue can screw you over a lot more than a terrible purple
shadowed-moonrise
yeah.
im not sure what i would do if a blue client did something illegal to me because...................................... im not sure what i CAN do
flameofcertainty
probably depends on how illegal
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
and who they are
flameofcertainty
yeah
there are supposed to be reporting systems in place if they try to pay you to kill someone or something
idk if they actually do that
shadowed-moonrise
nobody has tried that and i havent heard anybody talking about that but im pretty niche and a lot of my family is green, idk
i feel like if somebody wanted to pay a grey to kill somebody theyd pick one who has ever held a gun
flameofcertainty
probably
but yeah, i'm guessing if you made an important blue mad they could screw you over pretty badly
idk
shadowed-moonrise
nodnod
ugh sorry ive been talking about my shit this whole time
it has been kind of A Day i swear i am usually better at conversation
flameofcertainty
it's totally fine!
shadowed-moonrise
how is your day anyay
flameofcertainty
it's been okay
mira and i went to check out that social-dancing place
shadowed-moonrise
oooh
what kind of dance is it?
i guess i might not know purple dances??
flameofcertainty
i don't know if the name will translate
it's mostly the kind you do in a group with other people that's really traditional
shadowed-moonrise
group dances are great
if you have... similar amounts of motor skills to the other people
flameofcertainty
yeah
flameofcertainty
i haven't done anything like it in years and i'm really bad at it but it's still fun
and i'm not bad at it in a stepping-on-feet way
which is probably good, idk
shadowed-moonrise
im pretty sure not stepping on feet is strictly better than the alternative!
flameofcertainty
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
omg babybro is home <33
flameofcertainty
baby!!!
shadowed-moonrise
he is so good!!!!!!
he taaalks and he plays with me and ive been teaching him abstract concepts bc i find it really exciting when he knows abstract concepts
flameofcertainty
tell me more about this baby
shadowed-moonrise
he can do numbers up to twelve and circles and triangles and 'many' and 'other' and i asked him what one plus one was and he said 'two ones' which means he *actually understands what it means*
he has adooorable curly hair
and a little nose
and he will boop my nose with his nose if i ask him to
and he loves my weighted blanket
flameofcertainty
baaabbyyyy
what a good baby
shadowed-moonrise
i guess at this point he might not 'technically' be a baby anymore? but hes a baaaabbbyyy
[lemme edit a picture of my irl little brother to have green hair]
https://78.media.tumblr.com/fa8d578702cf6c0ed9269902f535982a/tumblr_messaging_p7ryailotL1vio47i_1280.png
https://78.media.tumblr.com/b8ec991036777a0f24c9ed84a194d921/tumblr_messaging_p7ryanbD931vio47i_250.png
baby!!!! <333
second picture featuring Grey Grandma
flameofcertainty
baby!!!!
baaaabbbbyyyyy
he's so smol
shadowed-moonrise
so small!!!!!
and smiley!!!!
flameofcertainty
happy baby!
shadowed-moonrise
i hope he is happy foreeeeever
shadowed-moonrise
his lil nose is tan bc it gets in the sun more than the rest of his face
bc he has a little baby face!!!!!!!!!!!
flameofcertainty
little baby face on the little happy baby!!!!
he's so good
shadowed-moonrise
hes next to me playing with my blanket
i looove him
flameofcertainty
what a good baby
shadowed-moonrise
i told him i was talking a friend and he says hi
although im not sure he really gets the idea of the internet yet
he seemed kinda confused
flameofcertainty
hi baby-sibling-of-ashka
flameofcertainty
he's such a cute baby
shadowed-moonrise
his name is avidik
we keep arguing about whether to use avi or idi as a nickname
flameofcertainty
hi avidik!!
shadowed-moonrise
oh no he spilled water on the carpet
its alright its a pretty waterproof carpet
he ran at me and jumped in my arms
so!!!! good!!!!!!!
flameofcertainty
eeee
flameofcertainty
baby
flameofcertainty
good baby
shadowed-moonrise
oh also have you seen this yellow violinist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGhPGH2YROA
seems like your kind of thing
flameofcertainty
wow that's pretty
shadowed-moonrise
oh i could take a picture of avi with my violin
he is not green, technically
although he also does not know how to play even a little bit
flameofcertainty
do you play violin too?
shadowed-moonrise
a little
shadowed-moonrise
im not like good at it
but it is fun
rn i am mostly actually learning to sign but i dont understand how notes correspond to mouth sounds so if i need to sightread i play songs on the violin first and then once ive heard them i can sing them
flameofcertainty
violin is great
shadowed-moonrise
it is!!!
i always felt like i should learn piano bc its easy but i like violin so much
one of my other brothers writes a lot of synth music
its really good
he plays it without telling us it's his to get unbiased answers and then he tells us and were like HOLY SHIT
flameofcertainty
gosh
flameofcertainty
that's really sweet
shadowed-moonrise
ok i’m not really online but I TAUGHT AVIDI A LETTER
HE KNOWS A LETTER
i’m so proud of him
shadowed-moonrise
hi hi
flameofcertainty
hi
a letter!
what a good smol!
flameofcertainty
which letter is it?
i guess it might not be a letter orvaran has
shadowed-moonrise
it's [forcetranslate]a[/forcetranslate]
or uh
[forceliteral]a[/forceliteral]
shadowed-moonrise
idk if that worked
flameofcertainty
yeah
we have that sound but it's written differently
shadowed-moonrise
nodnod
flameofcertainty
it's the last one in my name
[preservecharacter] a [/preservecharacter]
shadowed-moonrise
oh
i wonder if its always the same sound
i think it can make a couple sounds in anitami
flameofcertainty
just one in orvaran
flameofcertainty
maybe two
i'm not sure if they're technically separate sounds
and then there's accents and things
shadowed-moonrise
idk if i should try to teach him to read in valtaz
he speaks some but tbh there is just no situation where you even need to be able to read valtaz
flameofcertainty
maybe someday he'll want to swap to yvalta
for some reason
shadowed-moonrise
.............i really doubt it?
i guess if he wants to retire in the Old Country
flameofcertainty
i hear older people sometimes swap for the weather
flameofcertainty
or something
shadowed-moonrise
there are apps to machine translate physical signs and stuff but i guess theyd be annoying to use all the time
flameofcertainty
yeah
if he knows valtaz he can learn to read it if he ever wants to
right?
i'm not really sure how this works
'how to teach your family foreign languages' wasn't really covered in purple school
shadowed-moonrise
i think i should probably teach him the alphabet but not like focus on it
yeah my parents swapped out of yvalta with some retirees who wanted to go there for the weather and were unaffected by the horrible contract system bc they were too old to have more kids anyway
flameofcertainty
i can't really think why else you'd want to live there
flameofcertainty
lineality maybe
but there are other matrilineal countries
shadowed-moonrise
arent most countries matrilineal?
flameofcertainty
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
i think historically matrilineal was easier because like..... there can be ambiguity about who the father is if you dont have good genetic testing (and a database, in some cases), but you can always tell which person a baby literally just came out of
flameofcertainty
that makes sense for why
we're matrilineal
maybe someone who lived in ceredan would swap to yvalta for lineality, ceredan does permissions anyways
except for blues i think
shadowed-moonrise
how do blues even have kids in permissions countries
shadowed-moonrise
"ashka your family is from a permissions country" its not like they talked to blues a bunch
flameofcertainty
i think they have to impress other blues
probably they don't let you give yourself a permission
because then everyone would just do that
shadowed-moonrise
.....how many kids does the most important blue get to have tho
flameofcertainty
no idea
i think it varies by country
the one with the bears and no greys makes a big deal about the monarch only getting two
shadowed-moonrise
i guess with blues its always more "how many kids is it a good idea to have so that they can give them all a good inheritance" than "how many kids can they literally afford"
aww thats kinda cute
shadowed-moonrise
if i lived in a country where the king had like six kids i would be pretty pissed
flameofcertainty
good inheritances might be less important in permissions countries
i bet the way you impress people is with politics
or maybe real estate if you're bribing people, idk
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
it’s impressive that most permissions countries basically function okay
cuz like it seems like blues having to care so much about impressing other blues would mess with things
flameofcertainty
yeah
i don't think they function as well as most places
but that could just be propaganda
shadowed-moonrise
yeahhh idk how to tell the difference between “permissions countries kind of suck” and “permissions countries are usually small, often ex-oahk, etc, which makes stuff harder on them” and “our governments just don’t like them”
i’m low key impressed that blues in auction countries don’t make too many blue credits so they’ll be cheaper, tbh
i guess they super don’t make those decisions in spring + the international community would not be too happy about it
flameofcertainty
everyone i know from a permissions country says they suck but that's like two people
and if you increase blue credits everyone who isn't blue gets mad
shadowed-moonrise
my parents say yvalta sucks and i believe them but like idk how much it’s yvalta’s *fault*
flameofcertainty
i think the big thing is if for some reason a blue hates you a permissions granting blue can screw you over way more than a credit country blue
shadowed-moonrise
yeah that’s a big deal
idk a credit country blue can probably get you sterilized if they try really hard but it would take them more trying
flameofcertainty
yeah maybe
flameofcertainty
i've never heard of that happening in a credit country but that doesn't mean it never does
shadowed-moonrise
nodnod
shadowed-moonrise
anitam is trying out a first child subsidy
which is neat i thin
think
flameofcertainty
cool
are they subsidizing the whole credit?
or just some of it
shadowed-moonrise
noooo theyre starting with like 4%
shadowed-moonrise
and increasing gradually
bc you know how changing laws goes
sooooo sloooowwwww
flameofcertainty
i guess 4% is better than nothing
shadowed-moonrise
but eventually it will be a substantial fraction of the credit i think
flameofcertainty
but probably good not to do it all at once
i know there's some countries where everyone gets one and the rest are auctioned
shadowed-moonrise
first kid free just seems so much more humane? like i understand why credits are useful and stuff but people *just not getting a kid at all ever* is awful
flameofcertainty
summary bank says alavet, av valdin, celenta, fnr, ochero, qoloc
maybe some random tiny countries that no one bothered to include
shadowed-moonrise
nodnod
flameofcertainty
on the list, i mean
and yeah, i see what you mean
i wouldn't want to live in a voan country because i like knowing that if i work really hard i could get three
but it makes me sad to think about people with zero
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
flameofcertainty
i mean probably some people should get zero, like child abusers, but an auction's not going to stop them
shadowed-moonrise
hm i bet in voan/first kid free systems there’s probably a lot of four and five year olds impulsively having kids that they’re not entirely ready for but idk like maybe that’s just something they get to do
flameofcertainty
okay i'm looking at the summary bank article about the voan system
and the age when the most people have their first kid is five
flameofcertainty
but that's not most of the people
if that makes sense
shadowed-moonrise
nodnod
flameofcertainty
i know when i was almost-four they made a big deal in school about how we should all get long-term all-spring birth control
i bet they do that in voa
i guess i don't know for sure
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
i saw someone on tumblr talking about how they usually get the long term birth control and they get went on vacation to the southern hemisphere and just didn’t remember that they didn’t have the birth control and got pregnant
(they were asking if you can still get aftermarket credits in the *fall*)
:(
flameofcertainty
wow
that must suck
:(
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
i hope they managed to get an aftermarket credit
flameofcertainty
yeah
i bet they're cheaper in fall
since most people aren't getting pregnant
i definitely wouldn't want to have a kid with anyone i dated when i was four but maybe some people get really lucky there
shadowed-moonrise
yeah that’s a lot of what i’m thinking about like.... most people don’t know people who are definitely good coparents for them when they’re four
shadowed-moonrise
because it just takes time to figure that out
flameofcertainty
i'd've also been a really bad parent when i was four but some of that is me-things
shadowed-moonrise
yeah that toooo
i’m four and i’m super not ready to be a parent!!
shadowed-moonrise
i feel like i know how to be a good parent in THEORY but in practice i don’t like have the energy or emotional stability
avidi was born the spring i turned four, which was really good <3
flameofcertainty
that's so good
when i was four i was living with a friend rather than my parents
but if someone had dropped a baby on me i'd have been so unprepared
and my friend was living with their parents
flameofcertainty
so there were actual responsible people in the apartment
shadowed-moonrise
nodnodnod
shadowed-moonrise
fall/winter when i was three i was spending a lot of time with friends in other cities and stuff to get awaaay but then they there suddenly like “you know what, we’re having another baby this spring” so i came back
there are some upsides to the fact that my green mom has grey babies.......
flameofcertainty
i have a little sister
i've never actually met her
maybe someday i'll be able to make myself
shadowed-moonrise
oh wow i’m so sorry
flameofcertainty
it's not your fault
shadowed-moonrise
if you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it, or whatever-
flameofcertainty
if you want the story today's a good day for me to tell it
otoh it's definitely pollution-adjacent and i don't know if it's a good day for you
shadowed-moonrise
i think i can handle it, it is a good hypersensitivity day for me
flameofcertainty
so during the voan food crisis we couldn't afford clean food past the first couple months
you'd think living on a farm would help but it had been a bad year the previous year and none of our crops were coming up that season
shadowed-moonrise
oh. oh.
flameofcertainty
and i tried to force myself to eat the polluted food but i couldn't even make myself touch it
that's not the thing yet
so i was at risk of starving to death
and my mom got one of the neighbors to give her a super sketchy probably-illegal loan
flameofcertainty
because otherwise i might literally die
shadowed-moonrise
fuck
flameofcertainty
fast forward to 3423, the neighbor comes and asks for the money back
actually he'd been doing that for a while but she'd been able to put him off
we were super not going to be able to pay it back
and the loan was sketchy enough that she wasn't really sure what would happen if she didn't
just that it would probably be worse than normal
i
i told her i thought it would be okay
when she asked
flameofcertainty
if she
flameofcertainty
people remember fall 3422 as the introduction of the orvaran system
that was just lathande
spring 3423 was when they rolled it out everywhere
even small farming towns need someone to collect garbage, and the jobs paid really well
they had to, if they wanted to find enough people
i thought i'd be okay
shadowed-moonrise
oh
fuck.
flameofcertainty
yeah
flameofcertainty
i was really really wrong
so wrong
shadowed-moonrise
......yeah wow
flameofcertainty
that's why i wound up moving in with a friend, if i'd stayed there a week longer i'd
it wouldn't have been good
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
flameofcertainty
they didn't try to stop me
which is good
would've been silly for them to go to all that work just for me to end up dead anyways
shadowed-moonrise
hey you survived
flameofcertainty
i did
shadowed-moonrise
it was super worth it for them to do it becuase you survived
flameofcertainty
yeah
i know intellectually she's clean
but trying to be in the same room as dad or my older brother is about the same as lighting myself on fire, brain-wise
and if it's her it's worth
*worse
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
can you talk to them online or does that not work either
flameofcertainty
not really
flameofcertainty
they have my email address
they tell me things like 'you have a sister now'
she tried leaving the job once she had enough money to pay the guy back
flameofcertainty
to see if it would help, you know
flameofcertainty
it. uh. didn't.
shadowed-moonrise
yeah.
i was born in 23, which. is good. because if i found out i/my parents had eaten polluted food when i was a baby
shadowed-moonrise
colorjustice says that almost all unverifiable food was actually not polluted but
shadowed-moonrise
well maybe if i payed them enough i could go through the like fucking six month cleaning process? and maybe after that it would be okay?
but im not sure it would be enough
flameofcertainty
yeah
i know what you mean
if i'd been a year younger and they'd told me it was clean i'd've believed them
if i'd been a year older i'd probably just have killed myself
flameofcertainty
one of my friends from the treatment program
uh
didn't make it
shadowed-moonrise
i had a friend in school
who was hyper, worse than me
way worse
shadowed-moonrise
he was *going to school* but just barely, he had to take a bunch of meds with a bunch of side effects to get out of the house at all
shadowed-moonrise
and he was a year older than me
flameofcertainty
oh no
shadowed-moonrise
so their class learned about the food crisis? and he left school that day like normal and he took the train home and he got in the shower with his clothes on and took all his meds at once
flameofcertainty
oh no
shadowed-moonrise
they told me he killed himself but nobody would *tell me why* because like i was hyper too and they were worried about copycat stuff
i stayed in touch with his mom, she told me later
she FOUND him
flameofcertainty
i'm so so sorry
shadowed-moonrise
that
shadowed-moonrise
i cant imagine
finding your dead child
it was pretty hard on me but she was really never the same
flameofcertainty
yeah
wow
that's
i don't really have words
:(
:( :( :(
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
he was an only child
flameofcertainty
:(
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
shadowed-moonrise
i think they were sort of saving for another credit but they ended up spending a lot of money on like, building a room for him where he would feel clean, and stuff
and afterwards, it's not like she was going to have another kid after what happened
flameofcertainty
right
shadowed-moonrise
they wanted to take me out of class for the segment on the food crisis for, you know, obvious reasons, but that was winter when i was three and i’d already found out from like being online and reading stuff so i guessed what it was? and they freaked the fuck out when i was like “are you just worried about me finding out about the voan food crisis”
flameofcertainty
were they hoping to just ... pretend it never happened? forever?
it's not like it's easy not to learn about, if you use the internet
shadowed-moonrise
i guess i was going to Find Out When I Was Older
or something
shadowed-moonrise
i mean i understand the thinking there, like the last time was horrible and i could really just have found out later
shadowed-moonrise
the last time being my friend
flameofcertainty
yeah
i see where they were coming from
flameofcertainty
my school kept me out of class for anything pollution-related but obviously they weren't going to stop me from finding out about the food crisis
shadowed-moonrise
......yeah
i am so sorry you had to live through that
flameofcertainty
thanks
flameofcertainty
my parents thought about having me do online school while it was happening
shadowed-moonrise
it was like really really irresponsible to just tell my friend and i’m like not sure what happened there
flameofcertainty
i don't know
flameofcertainty
mesosensitives can be really bad at guessing what's going to hurt us
shadowed-moonrise
part of it is just that grey schools aren’t that well equipped for..... dealing with....... disability, i guess?
flameofcertainty
i had a classmate who thought it would help me not starve if she vividly described what it was like to eat polluted food
shadowed-moonrise
..........what
flameofcertainty
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
i mean, i guess it’s good that they tried to help
but. WHAT
flameofcertainty
our teacher moved the seating chart so i wouldn't have to sit next to her
and gave me permission to not go to the cafeteria during lunch
but yeah, i am really not sure how she came to that conclusion
shadowed-moonrise
yeah wow
flameofcertainty
i guess if she thought i was going to starve to death unless she did something
shadowed-moonrise
sometimes i wish i could just live in a hyper colony
shadowed-moonrise
even though like i’m sort of a weird hyper? they might have called it sensitivity disorder nos if i didn’t take so many decontam showers for no reason
but it would still be BETTER
flameofcertainty
there would be a lot of nice things about that
on the other hand sometimes i hear about a hyper person thinking something is polluted and my brain decides 'oh, they must be right'
even though it was fine before
and i bet that would happen a lot more
shadowed-moonrise
oh no
shadowed-moonrise
if we all thought that the UNION of the things we thought were polluted were polluted.......
we would die very quickly, i guess
flameofcertainty
yeah
shadowed-moonrise
“oh this one guy (MADE UP) said water is polluted so uh goodbye cruel world i guess”
flameofcertainty
and even without that we'd need robots or something
to take care of garbage
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
i think robots are more of a political problem than a technological one, maybe we could get away with “look we’re a hyper colony we can’t even TALK TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD most days much less murder anybody”
flameofcertainty
i think it's like
flameofcertainty
if people spent a decade developing them then they'd have them
but they aren't mostly, because of the politics
shadowed-moonrise
right that makes sense
flameofcertainty
i'm fine with mesosensitives most days, but then *sometimes* it's like they decided to figure out how to be maximally terrible
shadowed-moonrise
honestly so many jobs should be automated not bc pollution but just bc they could be and those people could then do a more skilled job or live in the country and make art or whatever but we can’t build robots at all bc of the political thing
like assembly lines could go a lot more automated than they are and then we’d just be richer and fewer as a society
shadowed-moonrise
i feel very Solidarity with hypos but sometimes..... they too........ are the worst
maybe we could get nice hypos for our colony to take care of us
flameofcertainty
maybe
flameofcertainty
there are totally nice hypos but there are also hypos who do things like put untagged photos of pollution on the internet
shadowed-moonrise
yeah it really varies a lot
shadowed-moonrise
sometimes talking to hypos is calming bc mesos are like “but MY pollution instinct says this isn’t polluted” and that doesn’t help me at all but i have an amateur theologian hypo friend who can just talk me through the theological position and that helps a lot more
flameofcertainty
it's good that you have that
flameofcertainty
and we're not perfect either
there are hypersensitives who think orvaran system workers need to all be executed
or that if you don't do [insert absurdly specific thing here] you're not really hyper
flameofcertainty
like i can't handle being around mom but i don't want people to murder her
shadowed-moonrise
yeah
i definitely like
think that there’s an objective position on pollution
shadowed-moonrise
and it’s probably not exactly the theological one but it’s closer to that than to my paranoia
shadowed-moonrise
and honestly like... i *get* it but it just takes an insane amount of arrogance to be like, “of all the billions and billions of people with pollution instincts, mine is the objective truth and everybody else, including an entire scientific field, is wrong”
flameofcertainty
mm
flameofcertainty
oh i also saw this one person saying everyone alive during the food crisis needed to be executed
that one was "fun"
shadowed-moonrise
oh my fucking
fuck that person so much
also how are they planning to run society after they’ve killed everyone over four???????
flameofcertainty
i don't know???
shadowed-moonrise
also i feel a lot of people with proposals involving doing lots of murder........... fail to account for the fact that corpses are polluted
flameofcertainty
yeah
flameofcertainty
anyways
how's life been
shadowed-moonrise
a WONDERFUL PRETTY NICE blue hired me and i might maybe have a crush
flameofcertainty
eeeee congratulations!
shadowed-moonrise
i don’t know how to approach this tho
“hey baby...... i would have sex with you for free (on a good day)”
flameofcertainty
uh
if they've hired you a couple times you could ask? or something?
flameofcertainty
i am kind of bad at relationship advice
shadowed-moonrise
yes i think that i will actually do is like
wait a while and see if he contacts me
and then maybe ask him out or something
flameofcertainty
good luck!!
shadowed-moonrise
how’ve you been
shadowed-moonrise
also, i saw you post an out of stock green and purple scarf and i could try to make you something like it
i can’t do literally that but i’m thinking like getting some white silk and waxing designs on it and then dyeing it one color and then drawing on the designs in the other
this might be totally the wrong way to go about it but it sounds fun
flameofcertainty
gosh, that's really nice of you
flameofcertainty
if you ended up doing this i'd have a couple of sensitivity-related materials requests but i don't think any of them would actually make the project impossible
shadowed-moonrise
i think that kind of project would be fun rn, what are your materials requests?
flameofcertainty
the main one is not from [link to list of countries that have done cleaning and integrated ex-reds]
or eles decontaminatable
*else
but i think that might mess up the dyes?
shadowed-moonrise
ok i can do that
yeah i think it’s probably easier to just buy from not those countries than to try to... decontaminate..... dyes
shadowed-moonrise
like most commercial clothes are decontaminatable and........ have colors but they know what they’re doing and i do not
flameofcertainty
yeah
uh
now i want to do something nice for you, help
shadowed-moonrise
umm i really like [space shoenberg], you could record yourself playing one of his pieces? although idk how much you can do that on just violin
flameofcertainty
i'll try my best
maybe i can find an arrangement or something
shadowed-moonrise
that’s so nice of you
you don’t have to, i’ll like, enjoy the project anyway
i’m not sure how to make green and purple work well as a color combo, do you mind if there’s other colors?
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I just need to talk into a void right now. Badly.
For the past two months, I've been questioning if I have some kind of dissociative disorder. I've experienced dissociation alot in my lifetime, but it's gotten alot worse. I've always had this.. interest in multiplicity, and have encountered it a few times in my personal life, and outside of a few passing thoughts, I never would have assumed I had anything like it...
But then, recently, when I started to seriously question it, some. Alters, headmates, parts, whatever you want to call them, started to introduce themselves to me (after I had put in quite a good deal of effort to make contact... Asking if anyone else was there, because I was beginning to think there was...)
Since then I've experienced worsening dissociation, and can barely stand my own reflection most days. I think I've experienced "switching", ranging from pretty intense and prolonged (headaching, stress, watching my body do things without my input, or saying things out loud that I don't mean to say...) To barely noticeable (just having the sudden feeling that I'm not who i was just awhile ago, or suddenly realizing I'm acting strangely. Like a shift in my facial expression that I can't change, wanting to wear clothes i would NEVER normally want to, getting up and doing things and not knowing why im doing them, etc.)
Things were very difficult at first, and i had alot of breakdowns wondering whats happening to me, and why. If I have bpd (Never been diagnosed with that, but a psychiatrist told me when i was about 13-14ish that I had "bpd like symptoms" but didn't go any farther than that due to my age. Haven't had any follow-up with that since.) and just internalized the symptoms of those around me, if I'm having some kind of delusion, or if I have some form of osdd (my therapist and i both agree its unlikely to be DID, because I haven't experienced any significant amnesia barriers).
Most of my "alters" and I are alot different, and its really hard to have conversation, or to try to visualize them in my head to try to talk. And at one point, I had woken up and started to panic because i didn't know where I was, why i was there, or where my "kids" were. Mind you, I'm in a same-sex LDR, and neither of us have had or plan to have kids. I panicked, alot, and of course I say "I" but... I know that that wasn't me. Not really, at least.
Other alters, like Fenrir (who was the first to introduce himself to me, and has become somewhat of a father figure to me) have been very nice, and tries his best to keep me from self harming, and I've noticed comes out alot when I'm having a break down/panic attack. I've had the most communication with him, although everything still feels distant and blurry, as if I don't really know him fully yet.
This issue has been continuing throughout these past two months, and I'm lucky I've had a good friend of mine to talk to about it, that my "alters" can talk to freely (which has helped me learn about them alot.) And who support me unconditionally throughout this whole thing. I've been hiding it from everyone else in my life though, as I'm not sure what to label it as, or if I'm just... Somehow subconsciously faking these symptoms for some reason I don't understand yet.
Admittedly (and this is something I'm extremely ashamed of, and have talked to my therapist about, and will NEVER repeat if i can help it) i have faked illness before. I was very young and in a terrible headspace, and very depressed and suicidal at the time. I had claimed to be experiencing hallucinations, but I knew the whole time that i was lying, and that my young, vulnerable brain was just trying to find some way to get the people around me to care, and to do something to help me, even if it meant i had to make something up. I mention this because I don't feel like this is something thats happening now, with what im experiencing with dissociation and my problems with identity... If i am faking it, I'm not concious of it. At all. A part of me is terrified that I'm wrong, and that this will all pass by me with time, that I'm just jumping to conclusions or faking it again even though I'm not actively trying to like i was before.
Things had been settling with me, though, and i was getting better at accepting what I've been experiencing with my "alters" and dissociating in general. But yesterday I went to my therapist, and ended up finally coming clean and talking to her for about an hour about these experiences, albeit in less detail since I was under extreme stress and was terrified throughout the entire conversation. Terrified that I'd be told I'm crazy, but also terrified of being told I'm not.
She's going to look into finding me a psychiatrist to talk to about this, probably to get a second opinion/diagnosis. She said she didn't think I have did, but that she doesn't think I'm delusional either, and i just.. got so many mixed signals. I don't know what to expect out of this, and i can't self-dx (obviously.) but it feels so terrifying and stressful and fucking awful to just have to sit and wait and do nothing, and not know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what to do or think of any of this. If it turns out that i do have osdd, or something, then at least I'll have some closure, but i have no idea how to deal with that going forward. What that would mean for my life, and the lives of everyone around me.
If i dont, then... What do i do with the knowledge of these people in my head? Just... Try to forget? Make them go away? I've been trying hard to do that and to deny their existence, but it feels ridiculous to do that, and it makes me feel.. really guilty.
I just... Theres just so much happening. And its all scary, and all overwhelming, and I wish I had waited longer to say anything to my therapist about it, until i felt more sure or, or what, I don't know. I don't think i was as ready to talk about it as I thought I was.
If you've made it this far, thanks for, uh, hearing me out. I guess. If anyone can give me advice or comfort or just, any input on this, if you relate or what, I'd really like to hear from you.
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Mother’s Day
@musesofombra
[Nibs]
Nibs and Misty had not talked since he got the phone call from her and sensed her in danger. He knew that things were bad but he was determined to turn things around. He snuck out of bed early and went to set up a picnic in the flowers for her before returning home and making her breakfast and bringing it to her in bed. “Morning princess, happy mother’s day.”
[Misty]
Misty looked at Nibs bringing in the food and looked at him before giving him a small smile, “Thank you. I’m not really hungry though.” She told him before moving to stand up.
[Nibs]
“Mhm we can save it for later then if you want. But I do have a surprise for you today. Why don’t you put on your favorite dress and I can get dressed up and we can go and maybe talk about what happened the other night…” He offers up.
[Misty]
“I’m okay. I have things I have to do Nibs…it’s fine. And we already talked about it.” She reminded him. “I have meetings and I am sure you do too, so thanks for saying it but you don’t have to do anything.”
[Nibs]
“We don’t have meetings today? We already took care of those the other day. I made sure that we both had today free so we could spend it together. Besides, I am not one to break my promise to you. We were going to go and see the flowers like we normally do.”
[Misty]
“I do have meetings Nibs, I have things I need to do.” Misty heard his words and sighed softly, “You…you aren’t breaking a promise if I am the one saying we don’t have to go. You just got back so relax, you don’t have to fix everything.”
[Nibs]
“This isn’t me wanting to fix everything, this is me wanting to spend time with you and go see the flowers. If you don’t want to go, I guess you don’t have to but I still want to go. It would be preferable if you came with me though. I do like to go and see the flowers with you and it would be a good time for us to get away from the castle obligations as well and just be with each other without all that pressure.”
[Misty]
“Wanting to spend time with me? I have been here Nibs. I was here when you left and you weren’t concerned about wanting to spend time then. I have been right here Nibs and this is the first time you have brought spending time with each other. So I’m sorry if today I don’t want to do that because all of sudden you want to fix things.”
[Nibs]
“You were lying to me about our child Misty. And you were trying to make me confess to something that you thought I wanted when it wasn’t what I wanted. And no you weren’t here when I left because you were so adamant about talking to Dylan and trying to get me to lie to you all for what Misty? What were you so scared of that you had to go and make something like that up? I am not the one that lied to you. I am not the one that needed to fix anything and even with that being said, when you made those calls I still came to you didn’t I? I came and I comforted you despite what happened because yeah I was angry in that moment that you were willing to lie for so long and push for so far just seemingly out of nowhere for no apparent reason. It was confusing to me why you would keep pushing that lie onto me. I still don’t get it because you won’t just tell me what is actually going on.”
[Misty]
“I didn’t ask you to come back. I didn’t ask you to comfort me and I didn’t call you, you came because you wanted to so don’t put that on me. And if you were honest for just a second you would realize that this wasn’t out of nowhere Nibs. We haven’t been happy since we were supposed to get married so stop acting like you didn’t expect any of this. I am not asking you to stay, if you are so pissed then just leave Nibs. No one is forcing you to do anything.”
[Nibs]
“Why do you want me to leave you so badly Misty? Yeah you are right we haven’t been which is why I have been trying to find a way for us to just go back to being how we used to be before the castle and before everything after it. Before things seriously fucked us both up. Charlie is about to take the throne with Rose so we won’t have to keep being unhappy with everything Misty. We will be able to just go back to how things were before all this and just be with each other like we used to.”
[Misty]
“Would you stop saying that? You don’t know that. You don’t know that after we leave everything will be fine, so stop saying that.” She snapped. “My therapist said I should take some time away so…maybe I should do that. I have been meaning to talk to you about it…maybe I should do that.”
[Nibs]
“No. I don’t know what therapist you are talking about but they are wrong. You have already taken time away before and where did that get us? Back to where we started, together. We always end up back together because we can’t be without each other which is something this dumbass therapist doesn’t understand. Besides thats what Hope tried to do and her therapist was a fucking psycho and had she not taken his advice she would have been better off.”
[Misty]
“Of course you would say that, I expect nothing else from you. But I…I wasn’t asking. I have to stay here for…for Luna. But I don’t have to stay in this room. You are barely here anyway, you are always in your office now. You wouldn’t even notice I was gone. All we do now Nibs is sleep together and have dinner together. That’s it. So stop acting like it’s not a good idea.”
[Nibs]
“I am here and you know that you can visit me at my office if I am there. I would notice if you left I am not stupid we are literally connected Misty. It isn’t a good idea because I want to spend time with you so we can start to rebuild that spark again.” He tells her before sighing.
“How about this. I find you someone new and if they tell you the same thing this other therapist is saying then we can consider it but being apart while raising Luna at such a vulnerable time for both you and her is not a good idea. Especially due to postpartum depression which yes I have noticed and tried to look into.”
[Misty]
“You don’t get to determine what therapist I see Nibs.” She said before shaking her head. “Why am I even talking to you. You don’t care. I am-”
[Nibs]
“Can you stop saying I don’t care! Stop putting words in my mouth or my head. The only reason you have been saying this is because you have been seeing that shitty therapist. You never used to be like this until you started seeing him. He is imposing his views into your life and taking advantage of you.”
“I am your husband and you should trust and believe what I am saying over someone who doesn’t know us, who hasn’t been through what we have. It’s so easy to just say anything and believe it because they are in a position that can easily take advantage of people’s vulnerability but this matter is between us. The relationship is about us, not us and some therapist. We promised to talk about these things and not let other people influence how we view each other. But you have let every therapist you see dictate how you are supposed to feel and that’s not okay.”
[Misty]
“You don’t even know him, Nibs. And who do you think I was talking to while you went off to do whatever and left me? It’s so much easier for you to say I am just believing whatever this therapist says then think I am just thinking for myself and don’t want to be around you.” She said before stopping and looking at him.
“It’s Mother’s Day right? So I get to do what I want to celebrate. I don’t want to go with you and I don’t want to celebrate. I just want to be alone. It’s my day Nibs, I get to decide what I want. Not you. So whatever meetings you canceled to finally be here for me, reschedule them. Thank you for breakfast.”
[Nibs]
Hearing her words, his blood ran cold. “So you all of sudden decided on your own you don’t want me around to be with you anymore is that it? Because you never said any of this before you started to see him. So what is this really about? He is trying to break us up so he can have you isn’t he? Just like your previous therapists of course he is. You have never liked being alone Misty in all the time we have spent together you never liked being alone. Ever.”
“Of course you run off to him when we fight. Of course he is going to tell you to leave me instead of fighting for what we have because he doesn’t know us Misty. He knows one side but not both. There is no way to be impartial if you don’t know both sides.”
[Misty]
“A lot has changed, Nibs.” She said simply before rolling her eyes. “To you everyone wants to steal me away. Maybe it could just be he wants me to be healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. Maybe he doesn’t want me, he is just doing his fucking job.” Misty replied.
“I told you what I want. You said you would go even if I didn’t so…go. I’m not stopping you. I already said thank you, and I will do what I want. Not what you or my therapist wants.” She told him before moving to the closet.
[Nibs]
“So what you are telling me is that I am bad for you? Toxic right? Do you even hear yourself? And everytime you said someone was just ‘doing their job’ they always ended up doing more than just their job. Every single time. They have tried to make a move on you every single time and I know this because you end up coming back with the bond broken or your emotions off because they kissed you. I have literally witnessed everything you have been through and everything we have been through and you are just throwing that to the side and invalidating it over someone who doesn’t know anything about us.”
[Misty]
“I’m not doing that. Would you…I never said you were…just stop Nibs. I have told you what I wanted and you are the one that says you love making me happy. So what would make me happy is you leaving me alone for the rest of the day.” She said as she got undressed.
[Nibs]
“You are implying that I am if the therapist is saying you need to stay away from me in order to be healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally. Fine, I will take Luna to go and see the flowers with me. If you don’t want to spend the day with me, I will spend it with our daughter.” He says while hiding how upset he was about all this before seeing himself out of the room.
[Misty]
“Great. Have fun.” She said before hearing the door closing and sighing.
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“Perfect,” by Ed Sheeran
The least perfect song in the world. This shit is fucking awful. It’s bad enough that I have found it necessary to present evidence that Ed Sheeran may have been put under the spell of a powerful sea witch.
Let’s dive right into this unholy mess of unexamined emotional hellscape. Buckle up, kids.
I found a love for me
Darling just dive right in
And follow my lead
Why are you diving, Ed? Stop mixing metaphors, are you ballroom dancing underwater? Are you waltzing through a swamp? Why are you wearing scuba gear to this tango meetup? ED WHAT IS GOING ON? I am worried.
But before we clarify what’s going on, who are you speaking to? “I found a love for me” is not something you say to your smoochiepie, but then you’re addressing “Darling” and instructing her to dive into your shitty mixed metaphors. Are you singing to us, the audience, or your love that you found? Are you telling a story or serenading your lady friend? Ed, this kind of shit is why you are so goddamn easy to mock.
Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love
Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
I’m coming up to speed here, my befreckled carrot chunk. Let me translate: you had a crush on this chick, she didn’t like you much, and then you got rich and she was like “welp, gotta survive somehow” and is now swallowing her pride and marrying a guy with a giant jungle cat tattoo on his chest because it means she won’t have to work anymore? Cool, glad I’m reading between the lines. Gold digger, redheaded nugget, it’s a warm-toned match made in heaven.
But here is where Ed Sheeran starts to do the thing that sends me into a feminist rage spiral: nothing about this woman is at all about her as an individual, but it is definitely about him as an individual. It’s one of those “Nice Guy (TM)” things that I hate: the dude here gets to have autonomy and his own story is central to the narrative, while simultaneously, his comfort, pleasure, and gaze are prioritized.
He found a girl? No, he did not. She existed all along, he didn’t do a goddamn thing. People are not hidden fucking treasures, Ed.
She was the someone waiting for him? No, she was doing her thing, Ed. And then you came along (again). You really think she was waiting for you any more than you were waiting for her? I mean, you weren’t, you totally sing songs about boinking other ladies. You both just met at a convenient time and were like “I guess you’ll do.” Stop making this sound like she actually held out for you. She didn’t.
You were just kids when you fell in love? AS OPPOSED TO WHEN, ED? YOU WERE BORN IN 1991. YOU HAD TO GROW INTO THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS, PAL. And we know nothing about when this chick fell in love with you. Hindsight is 2020, my sweet little baby child crooner.
Let me put on my therapist hat, my little tattooed gnome. When/why did you “give it up?” I’m curious. Tell us more about that. No? Not wanting to talk about how you likely acted like a bit of an ass to this woman? Okay, let’s keep going.
Can we talk about this one thing, though? Your phrasing is odd. Like, your syntax is fucking horrid, but points to your own self-centered brand of narcissism that has become your trademark. You are the one dancing in the dark, and you have her between your arms while dancing. Not only is this just weird, because the subject/object relationship separates you both, but you’re not even saying that you’re dancing together. You’re dancing, and she’s an accessory placed between your arms. It also sort of sounds like you’re in the 8th grade and dancing like a mummy -- you know, the way kids sort of hold their arms out and sway during slow songs? If they didn’t have each other, they would look like mummies. Are you mummy-dancing with your love, Ed? Or are you just writing lyrics that center around you as the primary figure and place your partner as a peripheral accessory object that is described in terms of her physical relationship to your body parts? Isn’t the point of dancing like that about togetherness, like “we were dancing together” or even using a transitive verb to at least link the activity between you two. Nope, dancing in the dark, and she was an accessory. Like a flashlight or a bolo tie.
I know, I know. I’m so pedantic. And you’re singing about your experience, from your point of view. You’re right -- and I’m not saying you shouldn’t think or sing or say this crap. You can do all those things. And I can judge the living shit out of you for it, because you come off as a selfish, childish, manbaby.
Moving right along...
But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own
And in your eyes you're holding mine
Ed, you’ve got to cool it with the weird possessiveness shit. But this has given me a great mental picture of her eyes growing tiny hands and ripping Ed’s eyes out of his head while they (the eyes growing the hands) scream “MIIIIINE.” Oh Ed, the beautiful images you paint with your lyrics. Never change.
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight
See, this shit? This is gold. This is why I have a tumblr dedicated almost entirely to the shameful pile of lyrical poop that is Ed Sheeran’s discography. Let’s break down everything that’s wrong with this fucking terrible refrain that we will be subjected to repeatedly, over and over, on our traffic-laden commute thanks to Top 40 radio’s obsession with Ginny Weasley’s favorite saccharine leprechaun. #magicallypernicious #unluckycharms
She said she looked like shit because a. she thought so or b. she’s thirsty AF. And you’re like “you look perfect tonight.” I mean, that’s sweet, but also, WTF were you doing barefoot in grass with your favorite song playing? Were you camping? Was this a date? Did you tell her that this OBVIOUSLY PREVIOUSLY ORCHESTRATED EVENT was happening? Did you give her a chance to, like, make sure she put her anti-humidity spray in her hair before you took her out to some swampy field and put on whatever her favorite song is? What is her favorite song, Ed? Do you sing it? I didn’t think so. NEXT VERSE!
Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets
To carry love, to carry children of our own
I swear to fuck, Sheeran. Stop.
Every goddamn time I hear this verse, I just cringe. My whole entire body just shrinks up into a massive, painful, muscle-spasming cringe. Part of it is that melodramatic way you sing it, really going to town on the microphone when you sing about “carrying children,” that makes me hope for the cleansing tide of early-onset alzheimers to wash away the memory of ever hearing this goddamn line being belted through the speakers of my Toyota.
And I get it, you were like “hey I’m a lyrical genius, did you know that the word ‘carry’ can be used as the verb when describing someone bearing and/or transporting a physical or emotional load AND being pregnant with a baby? Cool, man, you figured that out and had her carry secrets AND your future spawn, because you are that ~*deep*~ to be like “I can use the same verb to describe keeping secrets and popping out some progeny!”
Do you only value her strength because it’s useful to you??? Way to be. This is why we still need feminism. You are framing this all about what this person can do for you. She can carry your secrets for you! She can have your baby for you! She can be strong for you! As previously established, you are disorganized and have a hard time delegating, but seriously, nobody needs to bear this fucking burden. You’re just like “Fuck her own stuff, fuck how strong she’s needed to be while I behaved badly toward her!” (Reminder: you apparently gave it up and left her for a bit; see verse 1 because you know I keep my receipts).
And really? To carry MORE than just your secrets? Like, that’s already a fucking load to bear and now you’re going to weigh your ladyfriend down like a pack mule with the rest of your fucking baggage? Way to be a gentleman. Grow a pair of gingernuts and figure your shit out, son.
By the way, what secrets are you keeping? Like, big secrets? Like “Dick Cheney would waterboard you to get at them” secrets? Or just, like, whatever you did at music camp when you were 11 and played a little too much truth or dare? You know what, forget I asked, the idea of combining enhanced interrogation with Ed Sheeran’s pre-pubescent truth-or-dare behavior is making me want to bleach my mind’s eye. Carry on, my wayward son.
What dreams of yours does she share, Ed? I know it’s a figure of speech, but last night I had a dream that in the middle of an international cuisine tasting conference, I was tasked with butchering an octopus in a college dorm room and ended up having sex with Ursula the Sea Witch, so I wouldn’t wish my dreams on anyone.
And sharing her home, Ed? Is this your nod to feminism, like oh, despite singing about her as an accessory, I’m going to acknowledge her earning potential and, in this version of the narrative, make sure you know it’s her home. The wage gap doesn’t exist, she’ll be the one to get us a home, I’m progressive! Or are you implying that she’ll be a homemaker? Either way, this is not a good look, Ed.
We are still kids, but we're so in love
Fighting against all odds
How the fuck don’t you realize that I keep my goddamn receipts? You referenced how you were kids back then (see verse 1 above and my joke about being born in 1991, buddy) and now you’re like “WE’RE STILL CRAZY KIDS!” Sweetie, buddy, pal, my guy, the lack of continuity here is astounding, I mean how the fuck are you making so much goddamn money off of these truly awful songs?
I know we'll be alright this time
Darling, just hold my hand
Be my girl, I'll be your man
Nabokov already wrote this novel. You know, that whole “light of my life, fire of my loins, I’m dead when she leaves me” book? Yes? No? Okay, look it up later.
I see my future in your eyes.
Plot Twist: Ed Sheeran is in love with Lolita, but Lolita is an immortal and ageless sea witch. IS THIS WHY HE WAS DIVING RIGHT IN?
It doesn’t matter if her name takes a trip of three steps down the tongue if she steals your voice. How’s that for lyricism?
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don't deserve this
Okay, I was wrong. This entire song is about his complicated relationship with a sea witch who has cast a spell. If you sing it in a minor key, this shit is really ominous. I have faith in the truth that I see now before me, she has revealed her true identity and it is terrible, please make it stop, I see the horrors for what they are now! It’s the angel of death, I have seen her in person and I don’t deserve this torture! She is perfect in her wrath and I must pray now and praise her while recanting my douchebaggery, I am now crying for help in this field as my love has revealed herself as a mirror into my own terror, and I am but a shapeless narrator without an audience, screaming into the void! Is this why she holds your eyes in hers? Is this why she shares your dreams, because she can see inside of your soul and reflect your own desires back at you until you’re blinded and crazed by your own self-centered bullshit? Is the sea witch using the Mirror of Erised as a shield to protect herself from your bullshit?
We’re worried, Ed.
You look perfect tonight
For fuck’s sake, Ed.
#magicallypernicious#luckycharms#ed sheeran#edsheeran#snark#humbert humbert#lolita#seawitch#sea witch#thispartyjusttookaturnforthedouche#gingernut#weasley#garden gnome#nabokov#yes i have an english degree#what can you do with a BA in English#song#singing#lyrics#horror#fanfic references#this entire post is basically fanfic#i didn't take my meds today#self callout#selfcare#redheaded#redhead#dolores#misandry lullabye#misandry
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Survey #302
“heaven ain’t close in a place like this”
What color are your eyes? Grayish blue.
What's your favorite type of milk? If we're talking the basics, ig 1% is fine.
What would you change about your appearance if you could? Oh, hunny, you got time for an essay?
What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I need to fucking finish decorating it... It's not finished by no fault but my own laziness.
Are you rich or poor? We're definitely pretty poor.
Are you double jointed? I don't think so.
What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? I once had a large infected cyst that had to be drained by applying pressure to it, and I swear to Christ I don't know how I didn't faint. They gave me morphine and multiple numbing shots, but none of that did SHIT. I'm not even embarrassed by the fact I was shrieking and sobbing and swearing because I'm pretty fucking sure any sane person would've cried out many times. I'm convinced they either didn't numb me enough for someone of my size back then, or I should've just gone under for it. I have no words for how painful it really was.
Do you like shots? Uh, given that nobody LIKES getting a shot with a needle, I'm going to assume you mean like, taking shots of alcohol, in which case I've never tried, but I can almost absolutely guarantee you I'd hate them. I hate the taste of alcohol (hence why I only drink sweet and weak stuff), sooooo, I've got my doubts I'd enjoy something so potent.
Are you afraid of spiders? Yes and no? Small ones don't tend to get to me, and I LOVE tarantulas. Big spiders are absolutely fascinating and I love *watching* them, but if I was surprised by a sudden spider, I'm going to probably cry out and jump/scramble away. But on a real note, respect your spiders, whether they scare you or not. They are so important to the ecosystem. See one in the house, take it outside if you can.
Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? To some earrings, yes. I have to wear ones that don't have silver in them.
Do you like to read? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I did as a kid. I'm even slacking on WoF lately...
Do you know what your purpose in life is? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* BITCH I WISH I KNEW
What's something you would like to improve at? Not being a socially anxious catastrophe.
Do you believe you have great potential? Everybody does. You just have to use it.
What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld? Probably the mountains when driving to Tennessee. Or New York? I really can't recall either so clearly as to have a favorite.
Are you flexible? Noooot anymore. Back in my WiiFit days, I was a gotdamn snake.
List a song lyric that you like. Oh Jesus, don't make me think. Uhhhhh there's so many. Flipping through artists in my head with lyrics I tend to love, there's Otep with: "hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?". Simple, but spine-chilling to me. Huh, time to listen to it actually, lol. That song murders me with the goosebumps.
Do you meditate? No; I can't. You can't tell me to "free my mind," man. It's way too hectic at all times up there.
What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I'd love to go back to Chicago one night when I actually learn how to do nighttime urban photography.
What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? I always answer "South Africa" to questions like this, so for variety's sake, I'll say the Bahamas. But a conspiratory bitch is afraid of the Bermuda Triangle, so... lmao.
What's your favorite type of tree? I like big, impressive weeping willows.
How many times have you seriously injured yourself? Only two occasions I can think of immediately. Maybe there's more, but idk.
Did you attend Sunday School as a child? Yeah, even though I hated it.
What is the longest your hair has ever been? Maybe a little passed the small of my back?
What about the shortest? (not including being a toddler or baby): How it is now and has been for a couple years: shaved short on the left side, and it transitions to a length near my chin as you go to the right.
Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No.
Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I did, and I played the flute. I'd choose the saxophone if I could go back.
Who does the grocery shopping in your household? Well, it's just Mom and me, so her.
If you were to donate to charity today, what would you donate to? One that focuses on ovarian cancer for Mom.
What is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? Even though I was never great at it or knew every single rule, "Magic: The Gathering" is honestly really fun, and I loved looking at the card art. I haven't played it since I was with Jason, so at least five-six years.
Would you consider yourself to be good at spelling and grammar? Yeah, but I've somehow gotten worse with time???? I question the spelling and tenses of words I write a lot.
What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times): Probably like, chocolate rabbits. NOT hollow. Way to break my heart. Or gingerbread cookies.
What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I think a Hershey's? It was a while ago.
Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? I was in a Zoom session with multiple people for my partial hospitalization program.
Have you ever dreamt about sleeping with someone other than your partner? If so, did that make you feel embarrassed? I've never had a dream like this while in a relationship.
The last time you had butterflies in your stomach, what was the reason? I have no idea.
Has anyone told you that they miss you recently? No.
Has anyone ever asked you out or told you that they liked you, and you rejected them? Can you explain why you didn’t like, or didn’t feel attracted to that person? There was this one guy in the 4th grade who asked me if I would go out with him so much it almost became like a joke. I just... didn't like him like that. Then there's Juan; I'd just been warned that he had a bad rep by a very reliable adult, and the idea of dating him was kinda... intimidating anyway. Plus he was a smoker, which was and still is a no-no for me.
What part in a movie would you love to play? The clinically insane villain or something because I feel with my history, I could channel that very well IF I actually wanted to act in the first place.
What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch.
What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba walks up Pride Rock in the rain and roars and all the lionesses join in. Chilling.
What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Candy corn is repulsive.
What was the highlight of your day? My mom was raving to one of my therapists in the PHP about my art and how badly she wants me to just get everything out there. I was smiling really big but looking down with how shy but also flattered it made me.
Do you know anyone who is anorexic? I don't think so.
Who has hurt you the most this year? Ha, myself.
What's the last insult someone said to you? Hm.
How much did your car cost? N/A
What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Uhhh Mom mighta sent me a meme or Sara showed me a drawing someone made of Suriza, I think.
Have you ever let someone go because you thought they deserved better? No, though I've felt that way before.
Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? I'm still not over the fact Dad was a druggie before me and my sisters, apparently. It's almost like... hurtful in some weird way? Idk exactly why, it's just something I know I feel.
What do you hear right now? I have Motionless In White's cover of "Somebody Told Me" playing in another tab.
Do you do anything to help the environment? I do what I can as someone who isn't financially independent and reliant on another person for transportation. I won't litter for anything (and this includes shit like letting balloons go in the air, fucking stop), I'm trying to use my metal straw always in place of plastic, and to use less plastic bags, I try to spread out the times I clean Roman's litterbox to a few days; not to the point it's disgusting or uncomfortable for him, of course, though. Three days without is pretty much max.
When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Ha, a little while ago... I was trying to avoid eating the two last biscuits Mom made for dinner 'cuz I really gotta lay off the carbs, but Mom "joked" that "it's your birthday, you get to do whatever you want," so I kinda just said fuck it lmao.
Do you think that you have a pretty smile? No, because my eyes squint badly, and I also hate my teeth.
When's the last time you cried over a guy? A few days ago a little bit, actually. I was reminiscing too much and recalling some of the warmest memories.
Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? I already did. Oh well.
Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now? Yep.
Do you have any friends that actually model? No.
Do you care about the last person you kissed? A fucking lot.
Do they care about you? Yes.
Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Yes, just because of past birthday memories. I keep hoping a "happy birthday Britt" pops up in my FB messenger, and I hate myself for it.
Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? I legitimately just huffed in humor, guess, lmao.
What are the bad things you've heard people say about you? That I'm a martyr, going nowhere, lazy, not trying hard enough, y'know, all that good stuff.
Do you flirt a lot? Definitely not.
What phrase or saying do you use the most? Probably "oof" lol.
What mood are you in right now? I'm doing pretty all right. Kinda dreading Miss Tobey coming over, mean as it is, but I just... don't wanna deal with her and her judgments on my birthday. But I'm looking forward to seeing my sisters, and therapy went very well.
Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No.
Do you have a good relationship with your mother? Yep.
How many exes do you have? I only consider two exes "serious," as I've only been in two deep and long-term relationships, but if we're counting everyone who's had the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," there's six.
Do you want to be single or with someone? Ugh, I don't know. It's probably better I don't 'til I figure my shit out, but I really do miss the companionship a lot.
Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I love her and I was leaving her at the airport.
Does your mom think you’re a virgin? She doesn't know for the same reason I don't, really. I think she leans towards I am, but idk.
Is there someone that wants you to give them a second chance? I don't know.
What size bra do you wear? Uhhh I genuinely don't buy bras enough to know this exactly. C-something.
Does the person you last kissed still like you? I don't know if she still like-likes me.
Are your parents still together? Noooo.
Was your first time good or bad? I dated an Italian, if u kno what I mean. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Which friend-turned-enemy do you miss the most? Colleen, sometimes.
Have you ever used an epi pen, and it worked? I have not.
What is on your top priority list for today? Make this fuckin' day for me. I'm trying to not let the depression sink in and make me feel worthless on today of all days. So I'm trying to stay in a positive headspace.
Do you own any sand art in a jar? Omg, those are so cool! But no.
Does the sun come in your window in the morning or at night? Not really; there's houses in the way.
What was the last piece of art you created? A drawing of a meerkat with its mouth open angrily, done with colored pencils, against a black background. It's on my second dA.
What time of day do you take medications? I have prescription meds for when I wake up and at bedtime.
What's your newest hobby you've started? A new hobby? Huh...
What are some things you wanted to do that your parents didn't let you do? They wouldn't let us stay home alone until a certain age, we had a timer on the TV at bedtime to shut off after a while, we weren't exposed to certain music or shows, no cursing... stuff like that.
What YouTube channels do you recommend? This is a BAD question to ask me, 'cuz I could just about recommend channels for just about any niche. I watch soooooo many.
What is your favorite day of the week? Tuesday, because it's reset day in WoW, haha. Meaning, I get to do my stupid mount farming raids again for the week. Blackhand, gimme your FUCKING clefthoof already.
Ballet or cheerleading? Ballet is beautiful.
What are your favorite sports to watch? Only dancing, really.
Were you ever in the marching band? No.
Which holiday has the best decorations, in your opinion? My contrasting aesthetics make this hard, haha. I love Christmas with all the beautiful light displays people can make, but let's not sleep on Halloween, y'all. I loooove Halloween decor, like c'mon, that's where I get shit for my room year-round, lmao.
What do you want to be known for? It'd actually be kinda cool if I built up some sort of rep in the vulture culture community with my photography of roadkill. For how few shots I actually have on there and minimal interaction, my Instagram for it is doing quite well, if you consider those factors. They've gotten some pretty decent attention on dA, too. I would love for people to know why I do it though, of course: awareness and respect for the animal's life.
How often do you wear make-up? Almost never nowadays.
Think of the person you are jealous of...what are you jealous of them for? She's actually making a career out of her photography.
Do you have art that you made in high school? Oh, plenty.
Do you have trauma in your past? *clears throat* take a fuckin seat
Favorite type of frosting? Chocolate.
Have you ever tried cake decorating? No. One of my sisters is actually one, though! She's great at it.
What clubs are you a part of? None.
What was your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. 6th grade, to be exact.
Do you like to read classics, or do you usually read new arrivals? I don't prefer one over the other, honestly.
Were you a big partier in college? No, I never partied.
Is your college one you would recommend? My most recent one, fuck yes. They're amazing and care so deeply for their students.
Would you go camping in the woods alone? Yikes, no.
Would you name your kids after anyone? If I had a son and I had my way with the name, he would be named after the Most Selfless Man in the World, Damien from WKM. :'''''(
Do you have any supernatural gifts? No.
Are there any good churches in your town? You're asking someone who has a bad relationship with religion.
Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? It really depends on the season and venue my spouse and I pick.
Do you think you would be a good salesperson? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NAW fam. I ain't pressuring people to buy shit.
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