#i need to take a nap after writing this I feel physically spent | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lionlena · 7 months

Text

Unforgivable mistake (JoelMillerxreader) Part 10

Summary: Reader is much younger than Joel and is in love with him. One night, after arguing with Tess and getting drunk, Joel spends the night with a reader, but in the morning he breaks her heart… She runs away from Boston hoping that she will never meet this cold bastard again in her life. But almost six years later, she unexpectedly sees Joel in Jackson. She decides to hide herself and her little secret from this asshole.

Warnings: age gap (reader is about 28 years, Joel 58), strong language, swearing, past trauma, bullying, attempted rape, memories of sexual abuse, unprotect p in v, dom!Joel, Joel is asshole, ANGST, hurt, sadness and heartbreaking, sexual harassment, women abuse, violence, injury, sickness.

I'm sorry you had to wait for this new chapter for so long. I hope I will write 11 much faster ;)

Part 10

You spent a few more days with Anna and Toby, helping them and making sure they would be ready for winter.

You were surprised at how well you all were doing. You fell into a nice rhythm. You got up first and made breakfast for everyone with Anna's help. Ellie also helped you sometimes. Teddy would get up and go straight to Joel. He often spent a few more minutes napping with his dad. Then Joel came to the kitchen with his son. Meanwhile, Toby also showed up. You ate breakfast and together planned the work that needed to be done. Once you were ready to go to work, Teddy was left in the care of Ellie and Toby.

You were positively surprised by how you all worked together. No arguments or misunderstandings. You worked together like a family.

In the evening you came back for dinner and you all spent time together playing games and having fun. If you weren't very tired, you went for a short walk with Joel.

You noticed that he was trying to give you space, but he still couldn't stop himself from hugging you and kissing your cheek, but you didn't mind.

The day always ended the same. You fell asleep in Joel's arms wearing his T-shirt and woke up in the morning.

But last night you couldn't sleep. You lay next to Joel, who was snoring lightly, and you thought about how surreal this moment was.

It's as if everything Joel did in Boston happened to someone else.

Sometimes you imagined things would have turned out differently. Joel approached you at the bar and asked if he could walk you home. Of course, you agreed. On the stairs, Joel tripped and you held him. He kissed you… Passionately and gently. Then he took you to his apartment and made love to you… No, he didn't fuck you… He was gentle and caring, and after it was all over, you fell asleep together in each other's arms. But in the morning Joel sobered up and realized that he had made a mistake. He apologized to you and told you that he wouldn't leave Tess, that you were just a child to him and he shouldn't take advantage of your naivety. Of course, that would break your heart too, you would scream and cry, but then you would calm down. The next day you would set out with Claudia into the unknown and... What would happen then? Did you fall in love with someone else?

You sighed heavily and rolled over. After a while, you felt a gentle kiss on the back of your neck and heard his hoarse, sleepy voice.

"Is something wrong, darling? Can't you sleep?"

You were silent for a moment, not sure if you should share your thoughts with him. You knew that was what a good relationship was all about, but… You also knew that Joel felt really bad about himself. He wanted to forget about how he treated you. But the problem was that it was impossible to forget. This had to be worked through.

“I think,” you finally said. "Would... Would we be here now, together, if our first time had been different? Or maybe I would have already had someone... A boyfriend, a husband... I don't know, these are stupid thoughts..."

You could feel how Joel was tense. Like you caused him physical pain, but he still wanted to be supportive of you.

"Hey, hey baby, it's not stupid… I…" His voice became almost a whisper. "Sometimes I think what would have happened if you had stayed in Boston... I don't know if it would have been better... I'm actually happy that Teddy was born here. He wouldn't have had such a happy childhood in Boston."

You nodded because you knew he was right. You wouldn't want to raise Teddy in this dirty and violent place.

You felt Joel hug you tighter and press his face into your back. You didn't want him to be so sad. You gently stroked his hand that rested on your stomach.

"Joel?"

"Hmm?"

"What happened... It had to happen... for us to be where we are now and... We just have to live with it and move on."

Joel placed a gentle kiss on the back of your neck again.

"I don't deserve you. You're too good, too sweet, too caring... You're perfect."

You smiled softly.

"You may not deserve it, but it's what you get. Deal with it."

After a while, you added:

"There's something else."

"What?"

What you were going to say was a distortion of reality, but you felt the need to say it.

"If Teddy ever asks about our beginnings, we will lie to him. Do you understand? I'm not doing it just for you, but mainly for him. I want him to know that he was created because his mom and dad loved each other... Then we argued over something stupid and we broke up before we discovered I was pregnant. But we wanted to have children, we loved each other..."

Joel murmurs softly into your neck:

"Thank you."

You couldn't see his face, but if you turned around you would see tears in his eyes.

The next day you said goodbye to Anna and Toby and promised them you would come back soon. Even Ellie seemed sad to leave them.

When you entered the gates of Jackson, it was already evening and you were all tired. You hoped that you would put your baby son to bed quickly and rest, but... Tired Teddy was sometimes cranky. You helped him get to the ground and he immediately was clinging to Joel, whining and looking at daddy with pleading eyes. Joel picked him up and rubbed his back soothingly.

"What's the matter 'bear cub'?"

"I want you to sing me at bedtime." The baby boy whined.

Joel laughed lightly and ruffled Teddy's hair.

"Of course."

You just rolled your eyes, already knowing what was coming. And you were right. It didn't end with one song. Teddy also wanted you to tell him a story and hug him. Then he wanted his dad to bring him something to drink and hug him. Then he wanted both of you... Then again only dad. And he said all this while looking at you with those sweet but tired brown eyes of his, so neither of you could even get angry at him.

Joel sat down next to you on the couch with a huff after singing a song to his son for the fourth time.

"He fell asleep..."

You giggled slightly.

"Well, apparently he inherited my fondness for your voice."

Joel smiled to himself. He couldn't deny that your words brought a pleasant warm feeling to his chest.

"I think that's not the only thing he inherited from you. He's sweet, but sometimes he's…"

Joel looked at you and you frowned. Feigning indignation you said:

"You mean he's stubborn like me."

Joel looked at you, flustered, and scratched the back of his neck.

"No... that's not what I meant...what I meant was that he's relentless."

You laughed and gave him an amused look.

"Relax. I'm just joking."

Joel sighed and leaned further into the couch. He closed his eyes.

"I'm tired."

You nodded.

"Me too. I'll fall asleep as soon as I put my head on the pillow."

With a groan, Joel stood up and leaned down to give you a kiss on the cheek.

"Good night. See you tomorrow."

You closed your eyes and whispered.

"Good night."

However, some time later you discovered how wrong you were. You were tired, and yet you were rolling over on the mattress for an hour. You couldn't find a comfortable position on the bed and it was ridiculous. The bed at Anna and Toby's house was uncomfortable, and yet you slept perfectly well... Did you really get used to Joel's presence that quickly?

You groaned in frustration and got out of bed. You remembered Joel's warmth and scent, his solid chest...

“Ugh…Y/N, pull yourself together.”

You decided to go to the kitchen and get something to drink. You poured yourself some water and leaned against the kitchen counter. You felt that your drowsiness had completely left you. You were still extremely tired and wondering what you could do when you heard a soft knock. At first, you froze. A shiver of fear ran through your body. Who could be knocking on your door so late? You carefully looked out the window and immediately took a breath. Even in the dim light, you would recognize who this silhouette belongs to. You opened the door with a slight smile.

"Joel, what happened?"

You were sure he had gone to bed long ago. You stepped aside to let him in and you noticed that he looked tired.

"I wanted to ask the same thing, I noticed you had the light on in the bedroom and the kitchen and... I wanted to check if everything was okay with you, and Teddy."

You nodded and looked at him gratefully. It was nice to feel that someone cared about you and your son. You led him to the kitchen, where you sat down across from each other.

"Teddy's sleeping... I can't sleep..."

And then suddenly something hit you. Joel wouldn't be able to see your bedroom window and kitchen from his house, which meant...

"Joel? What were you doing exactly? Wandering around? I thought you were already asleep."

Joel shrugged and rubbed his face.

"I can't sleep," he muttered quietly.

You raised your eyebrows and huffed in amusement.

"You? You never have trouble falling asleep."

He looked at you as if you had offended him. "I don't fall asleep on watch." Then, a little shyly, he replied: "The bed seems too big to me."

You felt your heart beat faster, understanding what he meant, but you decided to tease him some more.

"Have you tried falling asleep on the couch?"

Joel gasped in surprise. "I... Umm... Maybe I really should."

You started laughing and stood up from your seat. You walked up to him and stood in between his legs, resting your hands on his shoulders and looking down at him.

"I think I slept better with you next to me."

Joel sighed in relief and gently placed his hands on your hips. "Me too, honey... Do you think... Do you think we can sleep in the same bed tonight?"

You bit your lip and smiled. You had another idea.

"It does not make sense."

Joel looked at you with sadness, even fear. He started to wonder what he had done wrong and was about to remove his hands from your body when you said:

"Living next to each other, instead of together." Joel's eyes lit up. "I think I'm ready... The last week we spent together showed me that this would be the best and easiest thing. Let's be honest, Joel... We won't be able to sleep tomorrow either... And the day after tomorrow."

Joel very carefully began to stroke your sides. "Do I understand this correctly? Will you and Teddy live with me and Ellie?"

You smiled and replied, "Yes."

Joel pulled you closer to him and hugged you tightly. You started stroking his hair and slowly felt sleepiness coming back to you. You were about to ask him to go to the bedroom with you when you heard his hesitant question.

"Y/N, what are we exactly? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to force you to define our relationship... I just don't know. Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?"

You giggled at his expression. Joel wasn't the best at these kinds of conversations, but he sure was sweet.

"I don't know." You answered honestly. "We are the parents of a wonderful baby boy, that's for sure. We've become friends, despite our complicated past... And I guess we're partners... You know, I mean... Friends don't do that..."

You leaned up and lightly kissed him on the lips and he grunted in pleasure. His hand ran through your hair. When you pulled away from him, you both sighed in contentment. You rested your forehead against his and sighed. His large hands caressed your sides and back. You felt the heat coming from his body and for you, it was like sleeping pills. You moved away from him a bit and muttered:

"I don't know how to define exactly what's going on between us. But does it matter? We'll figure it out later but for now... Let's go to sleep."

Joel eagerly followed you to the bedroom. He stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt. As you lay down next to him, a wave of peace immediately washed over you. All he had to do was wrap his arms around you and you immediately began to drift off to sleep. Before you fell asleep completely, you felt Joel kiss your head tenderly.

A few days later, you officially moved in with Joel and Ellie. You were sure of your decision. You really felt like it was the right thing to do. Not only did it make taking care of Teddy easier, but it also made your relationship with Joel stronger and took it to a new level. Not to mention that your son went crazy with joy. You've never seen him pack his things so quickly. And he didn't even complain. With a broad smile on his face, he moved his things to the new house and new room. Seeing his happy face filled you with joy and peace.

You thought that nothing could disturb your peace. But you were wrong.

You were feeding the horses when Ellie ran into the stable.

“Y/N!”

You looked carefully at the teenage girl. She looked nervous and you immediately stopped what you were doing.

"Something happened?"

Ellie took a deep breath as if trying to steady her nerves.

"Well... Did you hear that new people have arrived?"

You nodded and wondered why that would be a reason to be nervous. You thought it was good that the community was growing. You calmly replied:

"Yes, Sofia has already told me everything. Two older women, one younger with a little daughter, and two teenage boys. Is that right?"

Ellie still didn't look calm.

"Yes and umm... This young woman..."

"What about her?"

Ellie opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, and took a deep breath.

"She's fine, she's just..."

“Y/N!”

You both looked at Maria as she entered the stable. You smiled slightly when you saw her pregnant belly. You still had a tense relationship from the moment you stood up for Joel, but you still wished her the best.

Maria gave you and Ellie a weak smile and immediately decided to get to the point.

"Is your old house available now?"

Her question surprised you. The truth was that you left a few things behind because... Despite the feelings you felt for Joel and the certainty that you had made the right decision, you wanted an emergency exit. You felt you had the right to do so after everything you had been through.

"Uh... Actually... I left some summer clothes there and... A few other things."

Maria raised her eyebrows. "I thought your move to Joel's was permanent."

You felt an unpleasant pang in your chest. "Because it is." You said quickly and maybe a little too loudly. "I just didn't have time to move everything, so I decided some things could stay there for now."

"I understand, but I would like you to take everything away. Your old house will become a new home for our new resident, her daughter, and her elderly mother."

You felt like you were out of breath. You were sure that you would have a happy future with Joel, but... The uncertainty was still inside you and it was hard for you to come to terms with losing your safe oasis that was your home so quickly. But you knew there was no point in arguing about it. You tried to look casual as you said,

"Oh... Yeah, sure. I'll do it soon."

Ellie looked at you sympathetically and quickly added, "I'll help you."

Maria nodded. "Okay. I'll come with them soon."

Before you left the stables, Ellie grabbed your arm.

"Maybe let's talk to Joel so he can talk to Tommy. It's not fair that Maria is taking your house. There are several other empty houses in the city. She's doing it maliciously."

You sighed heavily and shook your head. "No, Ellie... I don't want Joel to know that I wanted an escape route. He's trying so hard to make things better between us. I don't want him to think that I doubt him... That I assume that it won't work out. Maybe it's for the best."

Ellie nodded and you both started walking towards your old house. You saw that the teenage girl was thinking about something. She obviously wanted to tell you something, but she didn't know how. But you didn't have time to ask her about it. You focused on getting all your things as quickly as possible.

With Ellie's help, it went really smoothly. You were just taking the last box outside when you noticed Maria with three new Jackson residents in front of the house. You almost dropped the box and looked at Ellie. You realized that was what she was trying to tell you.

The young woman who stood next to Maria looked like a younger version of Tess. You felt a knot in your stomach and swallowed hard. You wanted to scream at the universe and ask why it hated you. Then you woke up. Just because she looked like Tess, didn't mean Joel would abandon you. But still, you couldn't help but feel uneasy that a woman who looked like your partner's former lover would be living next door. You heard Ellie lightly clear her throat as she tried to bring you back to reality.

"Oh, hello... The house is empty now."

Maria nodded. "That's great. I present to you Emily, her mother Lucia, and her daughter Rose."

The little girl waved at you shyly and you tried to smile. She was a similar age to Teddy, so Joel... You mentally cursed yourself for your ridiculous thoughts. Joel was in love with you and Teddy was his world. He wouldn't abandon you just because some woman looked like Tess and had a daughter.

“I'm Y/N, this is Ellie…” You felt your voice shake slightly. "We live next door with my son Teddy and... My... My partner Joel."

You tried to make the word "partner" sound as loud as possible. Ellie looked at you with her eyebrows slightly raised. Well, you will be going to explain to her what "marking territory" means when she is older.

"How old is your son?" Emily asked.

"He'll be seven soon."

"Oh, that's wonderful. Rose turned six a month ago... I hope that once we get settled and rest, we'll get to know each other better."

You stuck a fake smile on your face.

"That would be great, now... Let's go now. We still have a few things to do, right Ellie?"

The girl nodded nervously. "Yeah, sure... We have to make dinner for Joel..."

"That's right. See you later."

As soon as you entered the house, you threw the box in the corner and immediately stood by the window in the living room, where you could see your 'old' house.

"Is this what you wanted to tell me?" you asked, quickly glancing at Ellie.

The girl nodded and carefully approached you.

"She is not that similar... On closer view, she is actually completely different."

You smiled slightly at her attempts at comfort and looked out the window again.

"She's very similar" you muttered sadly.

Ellie immediately tried to distract you from your bad thoughts.

"Hey, let's go to the kitchen... I'm hungry and... Standing by the window won't change anything."

You nodded and moved towards her. Ellie was right. Standing by the window and staring at Tess's doppelgänger didn't change anything. But there was something else you needed to know.

"Ellie, has Joel seen her yet?"

The teenage girl shrugged.

"I do not know, probably no."

"Okay. Let's go get something to eat."

For the rest of the day, you tried to keep your mind occupied. But no matter what you did, you always glanced towards your former home.

When Joel returned, you began to watch him carefully and waited for the right moment to talk. He acted very normal. He gave you a kiss on the cheek to greet you, he played with Teddy and, unlike you, he didn't constantly glance towards the window. You started to wonder if he had seen Emily. If not, maybe you can somehow maintain this state longer. Then you rolled your eyes... That was a ridiculous idea. How would you implement this plan? You would lock Joel in the house, or maybe you would cover his eyes? Tess's doppelgänger literally lived on your doorstep.

"Darling?"

His deep voice brought you out of your thoughts. You were sitting on the couch and looking out the window.

"Huh?"

Joel sat down next to you and gently placed his hand on your knee. He looked at you worriedly.

"This is about your house? Right."

You blinked your eyes in shock. Well, Joel may not have gotten to the heart of the problem, but he was close.

"I... It's not..."

Joel gave you a reassuring smile.

“It's okay that you wanted to still have a safe place. I don't blame you for that and…” He gently lifted your chin so you were looking straight into his eyes. "I want you to be aware that if things don't work out between us, I will move out. You don't have to worry about not having a home."

You felt a surge of gratitude. It was surprising how well Joel already knew you. But not being able to return to your previous home wasn't the only problem. You had to bring this up. There was no point in running away from it anyway.

"Have you seen our new neighbor?" you asked quietly and he nodded. “She reminds me of Tess,” you said even more quietly and swallowed.

You watched Joel's face carefully for any signs of nervousness, but he still looked at you calmly. Not a muscle in his face even twitched at the mention of Tess.

"I don't know... Maybe a little. Does it matter?"

You gave him a look like, "Seriously?"

"You were in a relationship with Tess."

Joel looked at you surprised. He was still trying to figure out what this had to do with your new neighbor.

"Yes, I was in a relationship with Tess and it was... A specific relationship. We were comfortable together. You know? Tess was a convenient option for me in Boston. We worked and slept together." Joel grabbed your hands. "But I don't know if that relationship would last here. I think I would probably be too interested in you and would like to spend time with Teddy."

You could hear the genuine sincerity in his voice and it calmed your nerves a bit.

"Okay. I guess I got a little carried away with anxiety and the ridiculous idea that you and Emily... It's stupid."

Joel pulled you to him and kissed your forehead.

"Wait... What were you afraid of? That I would abandon you as soon as I saw someone like Tess." Joel couldn't hide the slight amusement in his voice. "Honey, she's just a woman of similar looks like Tess... I don't know her. And her looks don't matter because I only have my eyes on one woman."

He gently brushed his lips against yours.

"Only you."

You sighed and relaxed in his arms. For a moment you forgot about your anxiety. Joel wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tighter. You rested your head on his chest and tried to focus on his heartbeat, but deep inside you still felt this unexplainable fear. You felt the shadows of your past return and you were afraid they would consume you.

Part 9

Part 11

Taglist: @casa-boiardi @noisynightmarepoetry @ihavetwoholesforareason @sloanexx @creedslove @orcasoul @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @i-workwithpens @milla-frenchy @liatome @jojo-munson @pascalislove @goldenhxurs @elliaze @aestheticangel612 @cheyxfu @prestinalove @stevengmybeloved @faith-alons26 @harriedandharassed @this--is--music @joeldjarin @elliaze @ajeff855 @anislabonis-love @quality-lust @sarahhxx03 @sofiparallel @misshoneypaper

*I don't know if tags work ;( If anyone knows how to make them work, let me know

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #joel miller #the last of us #joel miller fanfiction #joel x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fic #angst #hurt comfort #unforgivable mistake

171 notes · View notes

tabbiwritesgenshin · 1 year

Text

a little warmth to brighten the night | liyue women

synopsis: how it's like to cuddle with the Liyue gals

word count: 2,152

a/n: i spent an all nighter to write this because i won't be able to for a while...yeah. enjoy this early Valentine's Day gift!

Beidou -

Beidou is the headstrong type of person to tease everyone on the boat. But with someone she's actually comfortable with, who she feels a bit mushy about, she'd be much more open to cuddling. Especially after an adventure where she gets a little beat down, she would appreciate a good cuddle from someone she trusts, it being one of the few moments she shows her more vulnerable side to you

She's a very physical person and likes hugs and other sorts of contact: holding hands, being close, etc. She'll even be so bold as to grab your chin and look you in the eyes. She also believes that touch is a good way to get to know someone. So whenever she gets close to you, you can be certain that she likes you. She's quite the believer that a hug can fix just about anything, so she's sure to give you your affection whenever it's needed.

The Crux captain may also have a slightly rough touch with her skin being rather calloused. If she's more reserved towards physical contact, her hugs would be more gentle and warm but when she's more used to your relationship, she'll be right up on your waist before you can even say hi to her.

In a gentle but firm voice she says:

"Everyone has a warm, soft spot on the inside, and if that spot is exposed, a warm hug on its own can fix just about anything. So, my dear, may I hug you? I know you don't need to be fixed or anything like that, but I just want to give you one, so you know that I always have your back."

Hu Tao -

At first, Hu Tao's love language is usually a simple hug, head pat, or even a snuggle. Despite her job and her usual "playful/prankster" personality, she's really just a big love bug underneath her shell. Even though she won't openly say it, she appreciates those little moments of intimacy, and is really comforted by it.

For the longest time, Hu Tao was alone in both friendship and love. The entire concept of a relationship being quite the hard thing to swallow for her, so at first she would be more laid back with her affection.

Once she's fully comfortable around you, expect her to be clinged onto you 24/7. Hu Tao would be a really touchy person with no particular preference, as long as she got to hug you, it was game.

Hu Tao's eyes slowly opened. She had fallen asleep during the night, and now dawn was coming. She slowly reached around and began to move her hand around, until it touched a soft, warm body, and she couldn't help but smile. At this time of morning, she usually got cold, even with her thick bed sheets. But now... now she was nice and warm. She turned towards the body she had just touched and smiled at it, before wrapping her arms around it and nuzzling herself closer towards it. "Work can wait today"

Keqing-

Keqing is likely to be super proactive about her affections, so she's often the one being snuggled with more than the one doing the snuggling. she's quite gentle with physical contact, so if you started cuddling with her, playing with her hair or holding her hand, she would most likely go along with it and be rather passive. So in a lot of ways she is the perfect cuddle partner, but she rarely initiates it, usually being too embarrassed to ask for it.

When Keqing is stressed, she likes being curled up in the arms of your loving embrace. It's the one thing that can calm her down. She feels safe, comforted, and at peace. She finds the sensation so pleasant, it makes her want to drift off into a calm, gentle sleep…

She's a very affectionate person - she loves to cuddle with you at the end of the day. If especially needy,, she'll even wrap herself around you in a tight embrace and purr softly in your ear. Whenever she's tired, she'll curl up on your lap and take a nap. She's so cute that it's almost too much to bear.

Your eyes grow heavy as you drift off to sleep, resting your head on Keqing’s lap.

“Hmm? Are you asleep already? …How adorable. Sleep well, Y/n, I’ll be right here by your side when you wake up~”

Ningguang -

Ningguang is the kind of girl who likes to be cuddled from behind, wrapped like a blanket in a cozy fashion. She doesn't think too much of physical touch in that sense but if she's stressed on a day, she likes to use it as a coping mechanism. She doesn't always get the chance to be held, so when she does, she's extremely warm, soft, and content.

On certain nights, she enjoys being the "big spoon". Ningguang is a possessive sort of partner, always trying to make clear to you that you were her's and only her's, so her best way of proving it to you was in those small actions.

For both your well-being and her reputation, your relationship had to be kept a secret, so your cuddling session and general affection was very rare, even if it pained Ningguang for it to be way. For all the public and Ningguang's enemies knew, you were only of many workers on the Jade chamber

"Cuddling? With you? Why, of course. Being that close to someone else is very rare for me to be so... intimate. But with you... it's like having a warm fuzzy blanket."

"It feels... Good. But, not in that way, more so... It's like we can be each other's comfort when we need it the most."

"Just two travelers. Keeping each other cozy."

Shenhe -

Although Shenhe usually refrains from showing emotion because of the way she was raised, if she gets close enough to you in that she feels comfortable showing her softer side to you, she can be unexpectedly romantic. She would never admit it though... it'd be too embarrassing.

She can be very attentive with it, if she notices or feels that you are in any way, sad or unwell, she'll spend her entire day trying to comfort you, that includes cuddles. She'll gladly be the big spoon if it meant seeing you better.

Shenhe is a very sensitive person. When touched or held, her heart beats faster and she can feel herself getting flushed in an instant. As her senses are stimulated by the warm touch, she loses herself in the present moment. The world shrinks in size and grows darker as only you are visible to her, being the only thing that mattered. In this moment, she is just a vulnerable girl with no powers being let at your mercy..and to her surprise.. you don't do any harm to her, you only show her your love.

"..."

Her whole body quivered ever so slightly at your touch. She was overwhelmed by a multitude of emotions, a mixture of embarrassment and shyness. She was afraid that at any moment, her heart would explode, and she would not be able to hide the fact that she was nervous. She didn't want to be shy, yet when she tried to be more confident, she only felt her cheeks grow a redder color

"...Can you keep doing this?"

Xinyan -

Xinyan's a cool and confident woman and doesn't have much trouble with public affection but gets really embarrassed if you cuddle her and her friends catch on. She's always been pretty bad at keeping her face from turning bright red at such an action. She's the type to snuggle with you, yet secretly be extremely embarrassed about it.

She enjoys being the big spoon, she'd lie down with you curled into her arm or resting your head on her chest - this is also her favorite position, since she can feel your heartbeat as she strokes your hair and hums you her favorite tunes.

After a long day performing for fans, Xinyan's favorite thing to do to rest up is cuddle up with you and enjoy the rest of her evening together with you. When you're stressed or upset, she’s more than happy to listen to you talk and offer words of encouragement. Even when she’s tired, she’ll always make sure to comfort and support you, as she knows how important it is to feel loved and cared for.

Xinyan wraps Y/n onto her arms, holding them in a comforting manner.

"You don't have to worry about anything, I'll make sure everything is okay."

Her voice is quiet, soothing. They close their eyes, falling asleep with a peaceful smile on their face.

"Shhhh... shhhh..."

Yanfei -

When Yanfei cuddles with you, she likes to make sure she's close to you. She makes the absolute most of it by clinging onto your body and holding you tight... In her arms, she can feel your heartbeat, listen to your breathing, and feeling its warmth. There is nothing more comforting than that after a long day of work... When she is embraced this way, there is nothing that can separate her from you.

She gets very cuddly with you and tends to be playful when she's trying to make you laugh. She usually initiates hugs by wrapping her arms around your neck or shoulder and pulling you close to her, and she usually likes being the little spoon at night. She'll probably tease you a bit when you're just having a casual conversation in-between cuddles, but when it comes to sleeping, she is very serious about physical closeness.

She'd be really playful about it, especially if she's with you, just saying sweet things and maybe teasingly flirting, but she'd never be really forward about it. The most she'd do is suggestively raise an eyebrow and give a little smirk, she would usually get pretty embarrassed if you flirted back at her. Yanfei would be totally caught-off-guard, causing her to stutter a lot, maybe even turn bright red depending on how much you teased her

"If you ever get too cold during the night, I can make sure you get nice and warm."

Yelan -

First of all, she's really good at making you feel safe. You can wrap your arms around her and rest your head on her, and all your problems just seem to disappear...

As for the cuddles themselves... She likes being in front. She can wrap her arms around your back and stroke your hair, and pull you closer until you're touching her. And that... is where you both will stay like that for quite a while.

She's not big on physical contact, but if she sees you're having a hard time, she'll wrap her arms around you .When she does, she won't say anything, but she's very good with her hands. She'll stroke and soothe wherever you're sore, easing your mind and body. She doesn't need to say anything... she just lets her touch do the talking. If you can, try to look into her eyes. You may get a sense that it's a side of her she only reveals to you.

As you lie there with your head on her shoulder, her hands stroke down your back, feeling your warmth.A long moment passes, but then she turns her head slightly, to give you a sweet and gentle smile. "..." She doesn't say anything, but that says it all. You have someone by your side now, watching over you... nothing to worry about.

Yun Jin -

Yun Jin is very professional at all times, but as you lay next to her, you can sense an air of gentleness around her. She has a calm, mature demeanor that makes you feel so calm and relaxed. She is warm to the touch and she seems to have a comforting aura that envelopes you completely.

Despite how serious she was at all the times, when you two were alone, free of the prying eyes of her fellow peers at the Opera Troupe, she would always be the little spoon, feeling loved and safe in your arms, something which she rarely felt.

To return from a long day in the Opera house to your loving arms was a feeling better than Celestia itself. Yun Jin would always have her worries and frustrations fade away by one simple hug from you.

Yun Jin strokes your cheek with her finger, a gentle, yet warm touch. Her eyes are closed, her mind a blank slate, and she rests her cheek against yours. You are both quiet, and only the rhythm of your breaths is audible. You look up at her beautiful tranquil eyes, their softness only adding to the overall serenity of the situation. She then leans in and says, "I am here."

#beidou x reader #hu tao x reader #keqing x reader #ningguang x reader #shenhe x reader #xinyan x reader #yanfei x reader #yelan x reader #yun jin x reader #genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #this has drained my sanity #❥ tabbi writes ❥

456 notes · View notes

rentsturner · 9 months

Text

Alex Turner boyfriend headcanons

an: I haven’t written in a really fucking long time (if head canons count as writing idk?) so apologies if these are shit or there's typos and whatnot. Many thanks to @dropofdrool for helping me proof read and organise these, it’s much appreciated <3. finally, I know Alex is a real person but this is a work of FICTION and I have approached this as if writing for a fictional character - I am making no assumptions about Alex as a real person, just in case anyone wants to come at me. thanks for reading

AT HOME

He smells like cigarettes and clean laundry

You call him Elvis to annoy him - he will sulk about it for at least an hour (or at least pretend to) until you relent and apologise

He secretly quite likes it though

Making him watch Love Island and him being so confused and slightly scared

‘Are they allowed guitars in the villa?’ ‘I would get so bored in there’

Eventually gets invested in all the drama and is hooked

Will watch it every night even if you’re not there (traitor)

You definitely get handwritten love letters left round the house (come on we’ve all seen the evidence)

eg when he goes on tour, you’ll find little notes hidden in the pocket of your jeans or in the back of your phone case

He knows so many obscure and random words that you’ve never heard of and he’ll just throw them into a conversation sometimes to annoy you

He’s always jotting lyrics in his notebook and you have to wonder if he’s writing about you

When you argue you proper argue cos neither of you likes to admit you’re wrong

You always end up sorting it out though (usually with alex buying you flowers and a good dose of make up sex)

Alex is a pro napper - he falls asleep so easy and anywhere, it’s a habit from all the time he’s spent on tour

One of his favourite things is to have a nap with you, legs tangled together, him softly snoring into your shoulder

When he wakes up his hair is all ruffled and his eyes bleary, but he’s never looked better

Both reading your books together before bed <3 (he defo has reading glasses)

Alex has tried to teach you to play guitar so many times, but it always ends in sex

Cos he thinks the best way to teach you is to put his hands over yours, and press himself right up against your back, and whisper soft praises in your ear when you don’t fumble a chord, and then he sees your soft skin just where your neck joins your shoulder and he can’t help but press open mouthed kisses there and then you’re distracted and then…

It’s obviously never going to end well

ON TOUR

Obviously he tours a lot and most of the time you will travel with him, if he’s not busy

When he comes off stage he has two moods

He will either be so hyped and take hours to calm down, like will be constantly making some form of physical contact with you (holding your hand, pressing himself against your back, forehead kisses, normal kisses, randomly grabbing your hands and dancing with you)

Or he will be really quiet and tired, you can see it in his face that the concert has just taken it out of him

Usually when he’s like this, you just sit with him backstage for a while, just the two of you, sometimes in comfortable silence or sometimes just whispering sweet nothings to him and playing with his hair

You try not to let him speak too much cos if he’s in that mood then his throat is probably feeling rough

He usually just needs an hour or two to decompress, then he’s back to his usual self, he always apologises to you after for being like that, but you don’t mind looking after him, he would do the same for you

It's sometimes hard being away for him for so long when he’s on tour

like when he’s touring the day of your anniversary

He thinks you’re at home, he facetimed you that morning and had sent your present in the post to be delivered.

However, the rest of the boys secretly fly you (along with a few of your best mates) out to the show and manage to get a place in the front pit

You bring a massive poster sign saying ‘SHEFF WEDS R SHITE’ which easily gets his attention after a few songs

He goes to shout something rude but then he sees your beaming face under the poster, he can’t believe his eyes

He goes on to play all of your favourite songs with the biggest smile on his face and literally can’t take his eyes off you the entire show

After the show you manage to get backstage to see him and he’s so happy to see you

‘You didn’t really mean what you said on the poster though, did you?’

ON HOLIDAY

Holidays all the time, Alex loves taking you away

Like when he’s touring, if you aren’t working or busy, he’ll fly you out to join him in whatever city he’s in

You’ll usually go out for lunch during the day and sit by the pool in the hotel they’re holed up in, then go and watch the concert in the evening

You see so many cities that you’d never usually go to thanks to him

When he’s not touring he loves going on adventure holidays - biking, hiking, horse riding, skiing, bungee jumping - if it involves thrills or good views, he’s down.

even if you refuse to do some of the scarier stuff, he doesn’t mind - he loves just having you there, and he needs someone to take the photos of course!

basically it would just be the dream life icl

#Alex turner #alex turner x reader #alex turner headcanons #Arctic monkeys #arctic monkeys headcanons #alex turner fic #alex turner fics #My writing

374 notes · View notes

readychilledwine · 20 days

Note

Hi girl!! I don't know how to say this, but I love your writing and your sooo creative. I just wanted to say, im giving birth in a couple of weeks and it just hit me that I'm going to have a KID, LIKE WTH??? I did my research so there's nothing to worry about and I'm financially stable, its just, WEIRD??? I'm going to pop a baby out??please give some advice bc my hubby seems really cool about it and I'm just WHAT??😭

Trigger warnings- baby, mom life, and labor talk. Super long post 💕

✨️Congratulations to both of you and welcome to the hot moms club✨️

I went through an induction that turned into an emergency c section, so keep that in mind when reading my advice since I am not sure what form of labor you are opting for.

During Labor/Your hospital stay:

Bring a comfort idea to the hospital for before "active" labor and after. I brought my own pillow, and that made a world of difference. It was nice having something so familiar afterwards.

Don't eat anything you don't want to risk coming back up. Some hospitals will allow you to eat. Try to stick to the ice, juice, jello, or pudding. Italian shaved ice was also an option for me. And do bring snackies for after. You deserve it.

Don't panic if your birth plan does not turn out to be how birthing goes. I had planned on natural labor, no pain medication. I went in to be induced at 9pm December 13, by 2am I was in a lot of pain, by 7am I had an epidural.

Not to scare you, but the epidural can cause a few different reactions. Don't let that stop you from getting it. You HAVE to allow yourself to be as comfortable as possible, and your birth team will handle whatever curves are thrown their way.

If you are physically able to, do golden hour. In case it is called something different for you, golden hour is a full hour where the nursing staff leaves you and baby alone for skin to skin and nursing time. Tell your man I'm sorry, but he can wait. That hour is essential for building breastmilk supply if you're going to be EBF or EP. He can have baby after.

And let him have baby after. Daddy needs his own hour where baby is getting skin to skin with him.

It's going to be hard, but try not be mad if baby daddy sleeps after labor. He's going to have spent the last how ever long you were in labor in a heightened state of fight or flight because the woman he loves is in pain and there is nothing he can do for you. It's painful and all the exhausting for us. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting for them.

Do not (under any circumstances) let them force you into handling feedings one way or the other. Fed is best. Period.

Do not allow them to force you to have a nurse who makes you uncomfortable in any way. I know it's hard, but if a nurse is making you feel like you aren't doing enough, aren't listening to them, are making a wrong choice, ASK FOR A NEW NURSE. They should be supporting you.

If you're at a hospital where mom and baby sleep in one room, don't hesitate to say yes if a nurse asks if you want baby to go to nursery for a little bit. You both will need sleep. You deserve sleep. That nap will be precious. Trust me.

For home:

During bathing, try a swaddle method. It uses two towels, but it helps baby feel safe and secure. Here's a little link to an article about them

Take. Time. With. No. Visitors. You and baby daddy deserve time to adapt to your LO. It's a totally different ball game. We had 2 weeks alone. 2 weeks with just our parents. 2 weeks with our siblings. Then we opened the house to visitors who messaged us first.

Establish boundaries from jump. I made a post about on SM with a picture of our boundaries. Baby daddy enforced it.

Enjoy those 2am cuddles. They go away so fast 🥺

If you do not mentally feel okay, tell people you trust. Immediately. PPD/PPA can quickly become postpartum psychosis when left untreated.

Remember you're gorgeous. Even if you don't feel that way. You literally grew a human. It is the most selfless thing you could do for your family, and in my opinion, the closest thing to magic.

Remember to be kind to yourself and baby daddy. You're both learning. It's hard. So hard.

Never feel guilty for a few minutes of screen time. Sophia gets about 30 minutes a week spread out throughout the week. Ms. Rachel is a great help.

From my baby daddy to yours

Get her the food she's been craving that she "can't have" which also meant you couldn't have it for her first post labor meal. Lizzy wanted sushi. Baby momma got her sushi.

Take pictures of her with your kid. Constantly without her knowing. Those pictures will get you through the work day.

Get up with her at night. We helped make the baby. We help with the baby.

No yelling. No fighting. I said one thing to Lizzy I regret deeply, and I don't know if she's genuinely forgiven me for it. This is hard on your baby momma. If she needs to vent. Let her. Don't fight her. Just get her down for a nap, man. That's all you can do sometimes.

Never tell her to sleep when the munchkin sleeps. That statement is the most unhelpful thing anyone said to Lizzy. Tell her instead to lay down and try to get some sleep, and you will listen for crying. She needs the comfort of knowing someone else is there.

Don't allow anyone to shame her for anything. I learned I will throw hands over someone shaming Lizzy. Luckily, it was with my brother. We're good now.

Make sure she gets to shower every day.

Love her. Love her and look out for any signs of her not being okay. Lizzy's was staring off into nothing and crying way too much.

Make sure you schedule time for both of you to get away and let her enjoy said time.

Skin to skin. Daily.

Lastly, get her a pump if she's breastfeeding. Trust me. It will help build supply, and it allows you to feed the little one.

If you two need ANYTHING, message me. I don't have all the answers, but I might have advice. 💕

Here's a few products we love for Sophia, too. Some of them are pricy. We apologize.

Dreamland weighted Swaddle

Diaper cream spatula

Calmoseptine Ointment

Bums and Roses - softest pj's ever and you can get matching ones.

Momcozy nail file

Lizzy's favorite stationary pump*

Lizzys favorite on the go/work pump*

The bottles baby daddy uses to feed Sophia sometimes

*check to see if insurance will help*

Overall, just enjoy your time together and your sweet little baby.💕💕

Ps- thank you for the compliments! I was so excited to give advice I almost brushed over them 🥺

#ms rachel #elizabeths.updates #send asks #send anons #mom life #elizabeths.babydaddy

17 notes · View notes

rubendiasthoughts · 9 months

Text

Omg it's so hot today! I woke up and thought "okay, it's a holiday, I'm gonna put some effort in today", so I put on this cute dress, spent almost 2 hours on my makeup and then I was in my car for maybe 5 minutes and it was literally melting off lol, if I was there for like 10 minutes more I don't think anything would be left of it 😂 but the Rare Beauty mist is such a saviour today! Anyways, I finished writing, so I hope you enjoy this!

Ruben Dias comforting you when you are going through a hard time - headcanon:

- I have already mentioned this in the last part of boyfriend headcanons, but I genuinely think Ruben would be such a good listener. Especially, if he could see that something is wrong, maybe you are stressed or having anxiety about something - he would encourage you to explain to him what's wrong, telling you it will make you feel better. He for sure wouldn't be the type of guy to try and manspalin things to you, instead of that he would just make you feel heard and understood. He would carefully listen to everything you say, never would tell you that you are just overreacting or something. And I think that he would always try to comfort you by reminding you that no matter what happens he will always be here for you and take care of you.

- When you are venting to him he would always try to keep some kind of physical contact. Maybe he would just lightly stroke your hair or hold your hand in his, his thumb gently stroking the top of your hand. But he would do that just as a little gesture that is supposed to make you feel better and remind you that you are never alone with whatever issue you are facing.

- And if you were crying over something, Ruben would be so soft and sweet with you. He would hold you in his arms, your head tucked underneath his chin, maybe he would even pull you in to sit on his lap. I feel like he would let you have a little cry session if you are in that moment where you just need to have a good cry and let it all out. He would stroke your hair, place kisses on your head and whisper things like "shh baby, it will be alright". But I just know he would hate seeing you cry, he's the type of guy that would want to change the world for you so that it didn't hurt you anymore.

- But in the situations when you need advice and you ask him for one he would take it so seriously. He wouldn't be the one to say the first thing that comes to his mind but he would for sure genuinely think about it and always give you the best advice, very well thought through. I feel like those moments when you do ask him for his opinion would be really important to him, because it makes him feel like he can actually help you and do something about the problem you are facing instead of just comforting you. And it's also just a way of taking care of you and we all know he loves to do that.

- And I also think that if he noticed you were feeling down lately he would love to do sweet little things for you. Maybe he would leave you cute notes when he was going to training, or he would take you on a walk, so that you two could just breathe some fresh air and enjoy each other's company. Maybe he would even cook dinner for you, after coming back from training - he would tell you to go and sit on the couch and rest a little, take a nap as he was going to take care of everything.

- Also he is definitely complimenting and praising you even more than he does on a daily basis. He would want to remind you how special you are for him, how much he loves and how much you mean to him.

-And I also think that if someone asked him to hang out or go out to dinner or something (maybe his brother or friends) he wouldn't want to go, he would probably say something like "sorry, but I gotta take care of my girl" and he would stay home with you, because he doesn't want to leave you alone when you are feeling down. And even if you told him to go and have fun he would tell you that you are his priority and you always come first.

- If you two would have sex it would be either very rough or slow and gentle - no in between. In the times that he just wants to take your mind off of things and make you forget about everything he would be super rough. His goal would be to make you go dumb on his cock. And he would definitely succeed in it, but his words would stay super sweet.

-But at times where he knows you are feeling a little insecure about yourself he would make love to you so slowly and gently. He would kiss every little part of your body. Maybe he would hold your hands in his, kind of pinning them down on the both sides of your head, your fingers intertwined. He would whisper praises and compliments into your ear, his eyes staring into your soul. I feel like he could say something like "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes".

- In general I think he hates to see you be sad or stressed or hurting and he would do anything to make you feel even just a little bit better.

Hope you liked it, thank you for reading 💕

#ruben dias #footballer imagine #footballer x reader #footballer x you #ruben dias blurb #ruben dias imagine #ruben dias smut #footballer blurb #footballer smut #ruben dias fluff #ruben dias x you #ruben dias x y/n #ruben dias x reader #footballer fluff #ruben dias headcanons #footballer headcanons #footballer x y/n

107 notes · View notes

pasta-in-the-pudding · 2 months

Note

oops I forgot to put in my request-

so I was wondering if you could write Toby x masc reader with arthritis? I've been recently diagnosed and the symptoms (especially fatigue) have been hitting HARD

- 🪻

𝕆𝕙 𝕞𝕒𝕟 𝕀'𝕞 𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕪 :( 𝕀 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕤, 𝕟𝕠𝕣 𝕕𝕠 𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕒𝕟𝕪𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕕𝕠𝕖𝕤, 𝕤𝕠 𝕚𝕗 𝕀 𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕒𝕟𝕪𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕡𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕤𝕖 𝕝𝕖𝕥 𝕞𝕖 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕀 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕣𝕖𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕖 𝕚𝕥!

ℂ𝕣𝕖𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕣 𝕘𝕠 𝕥𝕠 @𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕𝕘𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕙𝕚𝕔𝕤-𝕟-𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖!! 𝔾𝕠 𝕗𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕠𝕨 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕞 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕤𝕦𝕡𝕡𝕠𝕣𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕚𝕣 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕜!

𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕜 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕤𝕠 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕣𝕖𝕢𝕦𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘!!

Toby x Masc!Reader with Arthritis

Toby, having a plethora of medical conditions himself, knows what it's like to get frustrated, have bad days, or even just the difficulties of living day to day in general

So when you are having bad days, he will help any way he can

He will give you massages when your joints are hurting

He will help you walk or even just bring you everything you need when your joints are too stiff to move

He will press a heat pad to the parts that are hurting the most

And he will be sure to be super careful around you whenever your joints are feeling particularly tender or swollen

If you take medication for it, then he will be sure to help remind you every time you need it

It's become a part of your morning routine together

You wake up, spend 30-ish minutes cuddling, just trying to get the sleep out of your eyes, then you get up, brush your teeth while Toby does his skin care for his wounds, and then take your medicines together

After that's all done, you get dressed and head to work

Since your arthritis can get in the way of your physical activity, you likely have a remote job in the manor

Something that would still utilize your skill, but something that you'd be able to do regardless of wether or not you're having a rough day

Whenever Toby gets home, he comes to your office and kisses you hello, asking if you're in any pain

If you aren't, he sits in your lap and places his face into the crook of your neck, placing soft kisses every now and then to your jaw while you finish up your work

If you are, he does everything he can to help, and then he stands behind your chair, carefully massaging your shoulders and kissing the top of your head while you finish your work

Once you are done, he carries you up to his bedroom for some impromptu snuggling

If you aren't in the mood for that, or if you are hurting too bad though, he will of course understand and instead go buy you some snacks so that you can just sit in each other's comfort

Loooooots of naps

Especially on off days you have together

Most of the day is spent napping

And even if he isn't napping, he will still sit/cuddle with you, kissing your nose and forehead every now and then

#creepypasta #slender mansion #creepypasta x y/n #creepypasta x you #creepypasta x female reader #ticci toby #ticci toby x reader #ticci toby x male reader #ticci toby x you #ticcy toby #🪻 anon

19 notes · View notes

izukuisbaby · 2 years

Note

Omg hello Flora! HAPPY 2K!! That’s so exciting!!! And deserved I luv ur writing it always makes me so happy. For your event I would like to request “Person A catches a nasty cold. Person B runs out to the pharmacy to pick up medicine, cough drops, and tissues for them.” By @lavenderotpprompts with Izuku?

⊹˚.⋆ TAKING CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE SICK - IZUKU MIDORIYA

℘. flora's notes : I never say no to izuku fluff 👀 I am so glad to hear that my content makes you happy, this is so precious 🤗 IZUKU IS ONCE AGAIN BEING THE STANDARD IN THIS, APPRECIATE HIM THANK YOU and uh I GOT CARRIED AWAY AND IT'S SUPER LONG- I loved writing it sm... i usually hate the one-shots i make but i really like this one, please let me know what you think :)

℘. female, male, gn reader ! just one use of "beautiful"

m.list | comment or reblog if you enjoyed !

izuku, being the perfect boyfriend he is, brought you to your doctor appointment. turns out you have the flu. he carried you from the car to your bed, bridal style. he just could not allow himself to let you walk when his arms were in perfect condition to carry you. he gently tucked you in, making sure you're warm and comfortable. he set all the medicine you needed on your bedside table and picked up the cough syrup. he put a big, strong hand on one side of your face, rubbing small circles on your cheek before feeding you the cough syrup. like most medicine, it tasted horrible, you could not help but gag a little.

▪︎

"shhh, you're doing so good, love. it's over, you don't have to taste that again before tonight." he said reassuringly and kissed your forehead.

▪︎

he got up and headed towards your shared closet. he was still in his hero suit and wanted to be in something more comfortable. he decided to bless you by changing with the door wide open. just the sight of his pro hero muscles was enough to make your headaches flow out the window. he just changed into grey jogs and stepped back into your bedroom. you had no choice but to stare at him with heart eyes, making him blush and shyly turn his head away in an attempt to avoid your gaze.

▪︎

"y/n, i- uh- do you want some privacy ? i really won't be upset if you would rather be left alone, i completely understand. i'll just watch TV on the couch, it's really no problem. or i can even go out of the house if-" he rambled, classic izuku.

▪︎

"m'stay" you quietly mumbled. izuku's face was plastered with a wide smile as he eagerly hopped into bed next to you. he put a protective arm around you, huddling your head on his chest. his bare skin on your cheek brought such a unique warmth to your entire body and filled you with love.

▪︎

izuku could not take his eyes off you. his feelings for you never once faltered, he loved you the same since day one. you often cuddled up to him, but it always felt like it was the first time. the butterflies, the excitement, the blush, nothing ever changed. he looked at you as if you were an angel, with such a pure, loving gaze. you exude such a glow that he could see you through a crowd of a thousand people. he eventually fell asleep too, his head on yours. he didn’t want to, he had to look upon you but hero work is exhausting and he rarely takes breaks. the moments he shared with you never failed to make his worries and anxiety go away.

▪︎

after a three hours long well-deserved nap for izuku, he left the house to go grocery shopping. though, for a very short while, he could physically not leave you alone for more than 20 minutes without having a panic attack, he was afraid you might die. he wanted to cook you a nice meal to cheer you up. he spent the entire afternoon in the kitchen, occasionally peeking his head into the bedroom to check if you were still breathing and resting peacefully.

▪︎

he carefully set your meal on a platter, so you could eat in your bed. he did not want you to move a finger today, you had to rest. he heard the tv turn back on and assumed you were awake. he carried the food to your door and softly knocked. he thought you must be a tad dazed after your nap and his last wish was to startle you. you saw his soft green curly head snoop inbetween the door gap, automatically sparking a smile on your face.

▪︎

"come in 'zu" you said tenderly. izu cautiously put the food on the empty side of the bed, to not bother you. he gently stroked your face from your forehead to your cheek with an adoring smile. "i made you some food, i know that when you're sick you don't really feel like eating but i think it's important that you do. i didn't know what to make, I'm sorry if you don't like it. i can make something else for you or order takeout as you wish ! i won't be mad or anything... i just want you to be okay"

▪︎

he was rambling again. you could tell he was worried about you and was trying his best to make you feel better. he was just so adoring and attentive, he's perfect for you. you kissed his cheek, attempting to convey your gratefulness. you pulled back a little, your eyes meeting his. "thank you izu, you're a life saver".

▪︎

oh he was blushing, BLUSHING. that's the best thing you could tell a pro hero. he was filled with pride and love for you, saving others every single day meant nothing to him if he was not able to save you. and even if you were not in a life threatening situation, he completed his daily task : taking care of his most precious person.

392 notes · View notes

can-ya-guess-my-curent-obsession · 1 year

Note

Hey again 😼 maybe another idea for you? Maybe Gorillaz members w a trans ftm s/o who’s insecure about being trans; like they don’t like that they still have feminine bits ig lol

Hope you’re having a slaytastic day

-🍜

FTM S/O dealing with dysphoria from their appearance

WRITERS NOTES: Hey great to hear from ya again 🍜Anon. And Y E S i love this idea, i think your talking about body baised gender dysphoria, which i can relate to hugely- that shit sucks ass. I think I got outa had with Murdoc's hc, and I had more ideas for some then others. And with that I hope you slaytastic day yourself. And honestly no to sure how I would go about writing this, so if this isn't exactly what you wanted sorry. And sorry if they aren't as long as usual, but like I said I lacked Ideas for this sadly

[ANOTHER NOTE: eh... sorry this took awhile I won't be posting at my previous pase due to the fact a lot of life stuff has been happening recently, and I just don't have as much time as I would like, though I hopefully won't be this slow at writing but just working at a more comfortable pase.]

Edited: fuck no

All art in this post is mine

TW:Curssing, gender dysphoria, transphobia, Implied drug uses, Murdoc being drunk, T, Murdocs dad, Murdocs childhood, ahhh- theres probably more but I can't think of it- so tell me if ya think of anything

Characters:

/Gorillaz/

What?

What do you mean you don't like you body?

What is there to not like?

Huh- specific parts you say?

He still doesn't understand- I mean he understands that the fact that you are trans which means your body is not exactly your favorite part of yourself due to the lack of matching you identified gender but he does not understand the depth of upset-ness his boyfriend feels- but like I said he tries his best

So S/O would have to try and explain it 2D

And in the end 2D does understand more but he still doesn't fully grasp everything so 2D turns to google for answers

When 2D woke up at night again from his migraines and couldn't go back to sleep he decides this is the best time to do his research... at 2:00 AM, so 2D goes on insomnia fulled google spree

And my dear fucking lord satan does he go down a rabbit hole

2D can hardly process half the shit he reads

And by the end of it his head is spinning and he's so fucking exhausted

But at least he grasped some stuff and understands even more now, and he knows what he should do!

But first he needs a little nap he earned it

When he wakes up the the first thing he can remember it binders- so his scowers the internet and orders everyone he sees- good and bad quality, I mean its not like 2D's reading the reviews he's just ordering ever single one he stumbles upon

Then he goes to the store and buys even more

It's moments like this he's glad he remembers he's got a shit ton of money

And one day when S/O comes over to vist 2D- 2D tells his boyfriend to stand there for a second

"Hun- do'ya mind stand'en dere fer sec"

He giggles to himself as he runs in the other room, leaving S/O concerned and confused

Next thing you know- your on the floor after what feels like who knows how many binders have been flug/dumped on you

It takes a silent minute for 2D to process that you may be stuck

In which 2D freaks and digs S/O and explains to him that he was trying to my S/O feel better- which touched S/O that 2D cared this much about him

And then S/O had to explain that he didn't need this many binders

So the two of you spent the next two hours picking out what binders work best

S/O was modeling each one- and figured out which one fit best(because 2D didn't really check sizes either), and were as comfortable as possible

And the whole time 2D was praiseing and tell S/O he looked amazing

After S/O picked thw ones he liked, both decided to donate the remaining binders

Its was really sweet of of him

But either way 2D will in any way possible try and make S/O feel better about himself

2D is just as physically affectionate with his S/O in this as as he would be in any other

Though he can get a bit anxious about touching S/O since his dysphoria was body baised- and was scared of triggering a bad reaction

2D has a big thing for words of affirmation, but due to S/O's body baised gender dysphoria- he tends to praise his boyfriends body spisificly, and it's very obvious what he's trying to do when he says it

"Ya' know I' didn't tink I could be attracted to someones frame... iz... broad.... and manly..."

"Your face is soooo handsome-- oh!.... an' guy-ish..."

It's not like he's lieing he's just kinda shit at subtly tell his boyfriend about it

Either way- while he can be a bit ignorant at first he tried his damn best

"Why trans people need'a binder? Are they going to school?"

*S/O facepalming*

Murdoc

Ok before we can start we need talk about transgender stuff in general and Murdoc did that make sense?

In the 2D x Male S/O x Murdoc, 2D x Male S/O, and Murdoc x Male S/O I had briefly mentioned Murdocs dad being homophobic- well that doesn't even scratch the surface of Sebastian's asshole-lery

Sebastian was a dick queer/LGBTQIA+ people, not like "FUCK THE GAYS- THEIR DELUSIONAL" more like "I talk a bit of shit about queer people behind peoples back, don't be like them son" -ish way

In which he instilled those trashy views on Murdoc as a kid, as when I said 'talk shit behind people I meant he "talked" about it to Hannibal and Murdoc, and randos he hung out with at the bar(I might do a separate thing in the future on how I think murdocs childhood went down, and what kind of person Sebastion was, cuz theres A LOT I could say)

And due to his fathers ways being imprinted in his head as a kid, Kid/Teen Mudz was not exactly found of queer/LGBTQIA+ people in general either

Well it's not like society liked them at that time either: Murdocs year of birth 1966, The year Britain legalized gay marriage 2014

So at that time no one was exactly fond of them

But either way Kid/Teen Murdoc fond of them either

And because of his wasn't fond of them- Murdoc Bullied/teased any one of the queer/LGBTQIA+ community... like a lot... yeah lets just say his sense of humor wasn't exactly nice..

These actions and old views still haunt him to this day

Russel's the only one who knows the full extent of his behavior as a kid because while drunk Murdoc confessed this to him, and 2D over heard a bit- but was swiftly bunbarded by Murdoc once he noticed 2D, Mudz begged them to not tell Noodle

And most of this shit is internalized so if you can't rip open Mudz chest with your love and affection- then good luck getting a straight answer from him

This guilt didn't bother him as much in earlier phases(before plastuc beach).... though thats not saying much

But when the later phases arrived he started drinking tiny bit less, which made memories resurface.... and my god he felt guilty

Ok Fuck- on to the actual hc now...

Wether its phase 1 or phase 7, Murdocs anxious as hell around his S/O, because of the fact they are trans- and this is true before they even started dating- if learned that info before dating

I mean it's nothing to do with his S/O and the fact he's trans- in the sence of his S/O's physically body he does not care you bits you have man- he can work with either...

But... he can't stop thinking about the way he treat trans people in the past- he feels soooo guilty(which he should, he acted like a dickwad)

And what worries Murdoc the most is... he's scared his new boyfriend that accepted him for his flaws and failures, and never looked at him like was worthless.... was gonna leave him because of how he acted when he was ignorant and young

One day when he's drinking alone in the Winnebago he's hit with a overwhelmed wave of guilt, that almost felt suffocating

*BUZZ*

*Phone call from ❤️Mudzy❤️*

You pick up the phone

All you hear is Murdocs indisputable sobs of apologies- while simultaneously saying something about his dad, Trans, he was young and dumb- wait did he say something about you breaking up with him?!? What the hell is he on about?

It was obvious to you he was absolutely fucked up... like even worse the usual?

You told him to sit tight and you'll be there as fast as he can

You arive and he is absolutely fucking all over the place

The Winnebago is more trashed then then usual and he's in the center of it alllll messed up

H looks like he wants to hug you but he pulls back like if he did you would hate him

To sum it up- you two spent the next 3 hours talking about his past and how you still love him, and he could not control how he was raised

Holy fuck uhhh nevermind... NOW on to the ACTUAL hc :b

He has a hard time understanding your insecurities about you body but he tries- he just thinks you too hot

So you have to like sit him down and try and make him understand- cuz otherwise he clueless- which would make worry cuz he doesn't like not knowing whats going on

So google this shit he will

Google leeds him to some interesting things... like he learns about T(testosterone hormones for transitioning)

And after siting on the idea for a bit, when he got drunk Murdy kept trying to order T, but he couldn't cuz you need a note from a doctor/therapist/psychologist to get that shit

And you found him throwing a tantrum- screaming at his computer. Fun fact this happens pretty often, because he's really bad with computers...well except for when it come to the sketchy part of the internet, Mudz knows a lot about that stuff. I swear he's on a FBI watch list

When S/O asks whats wrong murdoc spouts on about how he FUCKING can't get T for his wonderful boyfriend- *sniff* to make him feel better- *sob* make him feel better

Yes Murdoc starts to have another drunken break down

And again you have to sit him down and explain the complex process of getting stuff like that

"Well thats stupid... I've always been able to get prescription drugs without a a prescription- I used to know a guy actually, you could get anything for the right price-..." Murdoc mumbled to himself

"What-"

"Nothing..."

But in then he understands a little more, and this time please explain what he can do to make you feel better about your dysphoria, cuz he will continue to do weird shit

Murdoc's no Shakespeare, he isn't great with words or with expressing shutters feeling, so he isn't the best at comforting but he tries his best

But something nice is, when Murdoc gets really high or reallyyyyyyy drunk he tends to be more touchy and more truthful, so he'll just randomly start praising S/O, even if its a the worst time- Like:

"...S/O"

"Yeah?"

"...dove- your the most beautiful, handsome, and stunning thing ever... no one can say otherwise- your perfect from head to toe...."

"Thats nice and all but hun this really ain't the time..."

*Murdoc looks at S/O very confused then looks at the toilet he just was hurling his guts up into*

But don't worry he doesn't always dish out his best compliments in the loo

At the end of the day Murdoc really love his boyfriend no matter what they look like.

"....I Love you..."

"Huh?"

"NOTHING!"

Noodle

Probably understands the most out of the 4

Noodle is the youngest meaning- she's 'more with the times' I fucking cringed so hard writing that for some reason-

She will try to distract you in any way to get her boyfriend to feel better, and stop thinking about it

Noodle doesn't exactly a big fan of talking that much if she doesn't find the conversation meaningful, but if needed she will spend as long as her S/O needs siting there tell him how much she loves him- and his body doesn't make him any less of a man

"Don't let anyone else tell you- who you are, ok?"

"I don't know about what you think, but what I do know is that your my lovely boyfriend!"

Noodle LOVES clothes shopping- scratch that just shopping in general

So she loves takeing her S/O to shops that can get that clothing that can make him feel more comfortable in his body

She does a bit of googleing but not like a deep dive as the guys

Noodle will round house kick anyone who dares to be transphobic to S/O

Along with Noodle screaming every curse word she knows at them in every language she know

No one fucks with Noodle's boyfriend- or I swear to satan when Noodles done with that knob- they won't even be able to look you in the eyes in fear of evoking Noodles rage once more

If Noods notices her boyfriend going through a bout of of depression due to his body based gender dysphoria(fucking hell- I'm tired of typing this out if I will now refur to that as BBGD) and she will decide to plan a date for her and S/O

She does this often- but the kind of date varies based on S/O's preference

When Nood complements S/O and his body she's very blunt, abd it's very obvious what she's doing- and knows that just doesn't give a shit

"Did I ever tell you how handsome you are?"

I can't think of any more quotes sorry

She makes sure everyone gets S/O pro-nouns right, incase that makes S/O more inscure she back handed murdoc once become he misgender S/O once- on accident and 2D told you she lecturerd him later when you left, whether it was an accident or not he never did it again and Mudz shutters at the memory-

If S/O has a melt down/panic attack due to BBGD if S/O is ok with it, Noodle will hold him and juat let him get it all out, till he's ready to talk, and if S/O just wants to sit there then thats fine to

She once teasingly called you baby boy, take that for what you will

"THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO MY BOYFRIEND!!!"

"Noodle- please calm down-!"

Russel

Ok... he's probably the second best at understanding your sercumstance

But that does not make it any less awkward

Russel isn't exactly a conventionalist but he tries to priase/give words of affection/affirmation to his S/O to make him feel better

I wanna say S/O is the first transgender person Rus has dated- but thats not saying much as Russel was never that big in the dating world, so his knowledge on dating in general is not that vast

So like the other guy's he does research-

And was very thorough, and comes out pretty successful in his endeavor

And before Rus decides to make and drastic decisions like a shopping spree or or almost buying T *cough* 2D *cough* Murdoc

He communicates with his S/O about what they want

And the root of his insecurities, as Rus wan't S/O to know that your body does not define you and just a bunch of really sappy love crap

"Honey, your body is not what makes you- you, it's whats on the inside, you get what I mean?"

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's natural to feel this way, in this kind of situation."

"I would love no matter how you looked"

And then after talking about how S/O feels on this situation

Rus then will get really serious and ask S/O if he wan't to get medical procedures done and if he did Rus would him pay for the surgerys and crap

Or he may suggest seeking professional help with you BBGD

But if S/O says no- Rus is completely fine with that he just wants his S/O to know that he loves him

If S/O is going through a especially bad bout of dysphoria, Russel will make him their favorite comfort food

Like Rus isn't great with words and depending on where you are in the relationship physically affection can be a bit stiff with him- But one thing is he's a Great Fucking Cook

Ask for any comfort food it's yours

He's a big thing for acts of service- like Noodle oftenvdoes things to distract S/O from his unpleasant feelings

Russel's a big boi with major RBF so when he's around there is less likely someones gonna say/talk transphoic shit to/about S/O

And if they do... well I hope they like confrontation, becuase Rus will not yell at them but, his words will make just about anyone shit their pants

Like 2D, Rus complements S/O that could makes S/O feel better about his BBGD- but un-like 2D he's really good at being subtle about it.

"I made you your favorite, *insert fav food*."

#2d x reader #gorillaz x reader #stuart pot x reader #noodle x reader #russel hobbs x reader #russel x reader #murdoc x reader #ftm reader #murdoc niccals #2d gorillaz #noodle gorillaz #russel hobbs #stuart pot

60 notes · View notes

qtipcottonbuds · 2 years

Text

𝙎𝙃𝙄𝙂𝘼𝙍𝘼𝙆𝙄 𝙃𝙀𝘼𝘿𝘾𝘼𝙉𝙊𝙉𝙎.

requested by a anon requester, mini sidenote, I don't write for toga >:(( so here's some shigaraki instead if that's okay (and thank you for being so patient too)

submitted request ;; hihi since you did an amazing job at the hcs i requested before, id like to request some more. can i have a bit of fluffy shigaraki and toga? i always fall for the insane people

warnings ;; overall sweetness really, and potential mild language etc

by qtipcottonbuds 2022. do not repost.

𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗚𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗞𝗜 𝗫 𝗚𝗡!𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗘𝗥;

HESITANT ABOUT INTIMACY, UNSURE AND UNCERTAIN ;

So this is a personal headcanon, but playing off of his habits of profusely scratching at his skin, I like to think he suffers with the condition of eczema (or possibly contact dermatitis) specifically around the corners of his eyes, his inner hands, and his feet too actually (with the occasional flare ups in hot weather at times).

He’s aware, very much so, that it isn’t the most appealing thing to look at; the peeling skin, the discoloration around raw areas, split and hardened, the notable roughness that refuses to ease, even when layered with protective creams. He had been shamed and named for it in his childhood, and I think initially, he’d avoid any real contact, or rather position his hands specifically in a way where the condition would be least visible. A part of him doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable seeing it.

HEALTHCARE AND MAINTENANCE OF SKIN ;

Adding onto the above, although his breakouts can be of varying degrees, I like to think he does his best to take care of himself (I know more often than not, he’s pictured to not be looking himself properly, but, he’s doing it to the best of his abilities, with a little guidance from his local pharmacy, and occasionally recommended videos on his feed).

I guess this might be a little silly, but I do like to think he’s got two cabinets (one situated in the kitchen, and the other in the bathroom) specifically for treating his conditions, one stocked up full of antihistamines and the other full of emollients, to be smoothed across his skin as protection before showering/bathing from the heat. And with this, occasionally he’ll let slip a few tips and tricks of dealing with skin conditions (particularly anything you might be suffering with yourself). He also keeps his nails quite short, to avoid irritating his skin or mindlessly scratching at a small itch (which in some cases, has turned into a large area of raw skin).

APPRECIATES QUALITY TIME, AND PHYSICAL TOUCH ;

I imagine after becoming more and more comfortable in your presence, and knowing you hold no judgement towards his condition, he’d be the type to gently grasp you by your wrist, tugging you along before sliding his palm into your own, occasionally linking pinkies together at times. He’d lean towards being more quiet in your company more than anything, that’s not to say he isn’t comfortable whatsoever in your company to talk openly, but he feels more relaxed knowing that nothing needs to be shared between the pair of you to enjoy each other’s time spent together.

I do feel, one of his favourite pastimes with you when relaxing together (which would more often than not lead into unscheduled napping sessions) is you massaging his scalp, running your hands through his hair and combing out any small knots that your fingers catch on to. Specifically the stray hairs at the base of his neck, and hooking the strands around your fingers, curling them.

Alternatively, being the big spoon; his own hands would find themselves resting on your lower stomach, his chest pressed up against your back, and chin settled on your shoulder (paired with the optional choice of drifting off, watching a rented film on a small tablet or laptop).

KISSES ARE SHORT, BUT SWEET ;

I definitely feel he’s the type of person to leave soft kisses behind your ears, the corner of your lips, or firmly placed on the crown of your head, before brushing his nose against yours, eyelashes brushing against your cheeks. This, of course, is in a non-sexual environment, but the same sentiment is still shared in the heat of the moment, but with longing (the need to be closer and closer and closer) - which again, grows with his confidence over time. He’s not the best at conveying himself in such a romantic setting with words, so he opts instead for physical actions as a means to show you. Words don’t do it justice.

221 notes · View notes

rebeccalouisaferguson · 7 months

Text

ORIGINAL-CIN: Not only did you take on the grueling lead role of Juliette, you also served as Executive Producer on the series. Did you not know the pain and suffering you were going to have to go through taking this on?

REBECCA FERGUSON: I know, and it is never happening again. (Laughs). No, you know what? For the role of an Executive Producer, I literally had to google it whilst I was offered it, because I didn't really understand what it was.

Obviously I've been in this world for a long time, but I haven't had to care. I just came on set, did my acting and left for the day.

So when Graham Yost said, we would like to offer this, I remember thinking all I care about is learning the business. So if I would like to produce myself, who better to walk behind then Graham Yost? He’s a phenomenal showrunner and writer.

I also think it was the feeling that if you're going to give your life to something for a bit of time, I'd like to have a bit more control of the narrative, the creative aspect, the cast and all of the departments.

It's hard to trust people, and if I am going to take on such a huge responsibility I need to know that it's going to be great! Now it turns out I can trust Graham with blind eyes. But yeah, it's a learning curve and I really did love every minute of it.

O-C: Setting aside all of the behind-the-scenes work, what you put yourself through on-screen was pretty darned impressive. So much action, the emotions and the trauma of this character. How did you even prepare to play her on that level?

FERGUSON: The preparation for that came before I started honing in on the producing aspect. I wanted to be on top of it. I read the script so many times and spent so many weeks in the writers room, getting a feel of how Graham does it.

The fact that when he does other shows, he's writing it every day in a room, then he has to run the show. Then there are people on the ground who help rewrite whilst the actors are actually doing their scenes. I found all of this so fascinating and quite helpful getting me into character.

So for me, I'm preparing everything that I think is needed and we work together. When it comes down to the physical aspect of it, the training, learning the accent, and understanding her, I do all of that months in advance. I put a lot of effort into it.

O-C: I think what blew me away most was the sets. As a viewer we really get that sense of claustrophobia, being in this Silo with no way out. Plus, continuously running up and down those stairs!

FERGUSON: Obviously we don't have as many stairs as you see but trust me, it was exhausting. After one take I was ready for a nap!

O-C: The series really makes you think about never being able to experience sunlight or fresh air. Could you ever imagine living in a world so immersive and so contained?

FERGUSON: No, and that's the fun part of this entire project, visualizing and imagining when it happened.

How did it happen? Why did it happen? We were the children of the children. So you have to imagine that the people we are playing have been in there for their entire lives. We don't know anything else and that's so interesting.

To back it up and think, “What were the first people like in there?” The fact that they created a working and sustainable life, creating agriculture it's an incredible salute to the human race of recycling and resources and the reuse of things.

I think that's what we would do, we have to survive. But there are always rebels, people who question and that’s the basis of the whole series.

#rebecca ferguson #silo #silo apple tv #interview #silo interview #tv

12 notes · View notes

joycrispy · 7 months

Text

CW: Some musings on physical and mental health, vague medical stuff, and optimism in the face of spookiness below:

So there's this color-coded chart that I've been getting a lot of use out of the last almost-two-years.

Since about June, maybe the end of May, I've been all green down the row. As of this moment, I remain all green down the row --and you'll notice that one of the rows includes "able to take things in stride."

Here's something I'm taking in stride.

So, for almost a decade now I've had a standing appointment with a neurosurgeon (I think of him as *my* neurosurgeon, to the point that I feel vague pride when I read about some new accomplishment of his in the news), because awhile back they found a thing growing in my brain which may or may not kill me at some point, and everyone agrees it's best to keep an eye on that.

Yesterday I learned that said neurosurgeon wants to see me for a follow-up to our standing appointment (I recently had an MRI done). In two days. This has never happened in the entire decade of our seeing each other. I am not being told why.

...Well, all right, that can't be GOOD news.

I spent the evening digesting that. To my surprise, it was very easy. I'm not THRILLED, but after a chamomile tea and some cuddling with the partner, any anxiety I felt completely dissipated. It's not that I think there's nothing to worry about --it's that I think worrying means you suffer twice, and I've more than filled my quota of suffering for the next decade at least, so I'm...opting not to.

Taking it in stride, I guess!

Anyway, two days isn't a long time to wait for answers. If it turns out I need surgery --okay, I'll get surgery. Which from my end of things means I take a nap. Dr. Neurosurgeon will do all the tricky bits.

Mostly I'm just grateful for the degree of resilience I've managed to achieve, here (and apparently just in time), and wanted to note somewhere that it doesn't feel like toughness. It's more like...elasticity.

I'm afraid? Very well, then I'm afraid. I can accommodate fear and sadness within myself, there's room for it, without it overwhelming or hindering me. Because I am also happy. At the same time. Unchanged from before.

(This 'elasticity' will be harshly tested, of course, if I go to this follow-up and get the worst case scenario...but ah well. I'm still happy to notice it, for what it is at this moment. This time last year I would have found a setback as minor as 'ran out of coffee' difficult to cope with, so, if nothing else, I'm taking this as a very encouraging sign of improvement.)

Anyway. Back to reading and writing. All green.

#about me #I have long felt that the real mark of good mental health is not the absence of all negative feeling...#...but the capacity to have negative feelings; and feel them entirely; without being harmed. This capacity can be increased with practice.#what hurts is not always harm. and 'not all tears are an evil' if you wanna get LOTR about it. same principle applies to pain and fear imo.#but I'm not a psychotherapist --I just know what's always worked for me.

7 notes · View notes

letrashbag · 8 months

Text

I woke up at like 5:30-6 this morning and then I spent 2 hours cleaning my whole house, which is so therapeutic I cannot even, but now its like 10 o'clock and I have nothing to do.

Anybody else ever get that feeling of something just like itching in your skin so you have to do something, but the second you try doing anything it just gets so much worse. I am barely holding it together right now, actively typing this.

I can't watch youtube videos (short dumb videos aren't engaging enough and long serious videos are too engaging), I can't listen to a podcast (I need something to do physically with my body and the thought of listening to something while doing something else sounds like actual torture right now), I can't draw (I need to be listening to something and again the idea of having more than one thing take my attention sounds miserable), doom scrolling is out (I already reached my end point for tumblr and going down any other rabbit holes will only last a couple of minutes before I'll reach the point of wanting to tear my hair out), there's nothing I can clean or organize that will take enough effort to engage me but still be quick enough that I'll feel a sense of accomplishment for, I can't read an online comic because the words are so small and my eyes hurt, I can't read my webtoons because it's been a while since I've read anything and the idea of having to catch up sounds exhausting, any shows or movies I could watch are either too new and would take emotional effort to get invested in or are too familiar and won't be stimulating enough.

Basically I'm gonna die.

There are literally a million things I could be doing, and the idea of doing any of them sounds absolutely miserable. But I'm barely staving off the rising pressure by typing this out and I know the second I stop it'll creep up and I'll die.

Maybe I could go running? Except then I'd have to change clothes and my exercise clothes are disgusting. I can't do laundry cause my family's dryer is broken, so I can't wash my clothes yet. I also can't wash my towel so I can't take a shower.

Ugh, my hair is so disgusting right now. I have it all tied up in a weird way so that I don't rip it out of my scalp. I can't wait until I can shave my head, then I won't have to worry about this.

So I can't do my self care activities, and I can't accomplish a task that is very important to my everyday functions, and that's breaking me brain.

Noted.

Maybe when I rant like this I'll figure out what makes me feel this way.

I'm so tired, I want to take a nap, but I know I won't be able to fall asleep. I want to clean some more, but there isn't anything for me to do really. Especially since I have family members out and about getting in the way. UUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It's fine.

I'm fine.

I'm doing great.

I'm losing my mind.

Maybe I should write poetry? I haven't done that in a while. But it sounds too involved. I already drew a bunch of angsty stuff after the fight with my mom. We're both just ignoring it by the way. I'm avoiding her as much as I can without making it obvious, and neither of us are addressing it. I only have one more week and then I'm gone. I'm so excited to leave.

Okay, I think this is it.

My brain is giving up on me.

I knew this wouldn't last forever, but it lasted for a bit, and for that I am grateful.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay, I'm done.

#just ranting #I'm so sick of everything #and literally nothing is going wrong #so that's great #my brain functions so well #I just love it so much.

0 notes

leam1983 · 1 year

Text

En Famille

Walt was waiting for me in the living room, and Sarah had gone out for a few errands. I'm not sure I remember sitting on Walt's knee, but there I am anyway, pressing myself against him. He feels my need and grunts in that particular way he does when libido and tenderness combine. He pulls me in closer, kissing me the whole way.

"Come on," he whispers, "give me everything. I'm right here. You're safe."

I do as I'm asked, just not with words. We don't really need to. What feels like an eternity later, he's climbing up the proverbial hill and making increasingly heated promises. These drive me absolutely wild.

"I'll never give you cases I know you can't handle," he swears, "I'll be the best boss you've ever had, Grem. We'll share the load as a team, as a family - because that's what we are. You, me and Sarah - forever."

I use all the pet names he likes and flatter his denied paternalist streak. I call him Dad in ways both fetishistic and earnest - and he moans, calls me son. "My love," he gasps, "my boy. My son."

We're only twenty years apart, but our differences make these feel like an ocean. For all of his excess weight, he's more in control of his body than I'll ever be of mine, more physically autonomous and better put-together than I am. It's nice to have a pair of arms you can feel childlike in, one where you can abandon all pretense and admit that you do not, in fact, have your shit squared out.

I've already spoken about how Walt loves this; being the Helping Hand, the Steady Arm, the Sound Mind. Climax came and went, and he's now spent fifteen minutes holding me close, eyes closed, whispering in my ear.

Eventually, we both hear the door open. There isn't an ounce of worry in us, or in Walt specifically, as he looks up to see Sarah return. She smiles in that way she has that signals rising need, with a reddening of her cheeks and her lips turning thin.

It's been long enough, now, that Sarah sees why I'm in love with Walt. It's not just sex or base libido, love is a solid three-pronged structure between us. Walt calls it into effect by outstretching a hand while maintaining me in place with the other.

He only says one word. Daughter.

Eventually, I have to give Sarah access to Walt's midriff, and so he helps me slide off of him and helps me transfer myself to the couch. We pass liplocks between the three of us, and he soon climaxes for her as well.

"You're a beautiful young woman in every way that matters," he whispers to her. "You're the only woman I'll have ever loved like this."

She melts against him. "And I'm your daughter, too."

Walt gently squeezes us closer. "You're both mine. Daughter and son, partners, lovers, friends... You're everything I could've ever hoped for."

I sigh. "I wish the outside world didn't think this family fetish thing was creepy. I wish we could officialize that."

Walter kisses the top of my forehead. "I'd adopt you both a hundred times over if I could. I'd take your surnames and you'd take mine and each other's. We'd share absolutely everything."

I laugh. "Sounds cool, but it wouldn't be super practical. I don't think you'd like being called Walter Gremlin-Tremblay-George..."

After spending a few seconds slowly and enthusiastically kissing Sarah, he turns to me. "That's where you're wrong, love. Nothing could possibly make me happier. I'm more concerned with how we'd notarize it."

We have another long liplock. "Maybe it doesn't matter," he says. "Maybe our knowing is enough. We can share everything as it is, we don't need to wait for anyone's approval while we're here. You'll be mine in all the ways I want you to be, and Society doesn't get a say in this."

I'm writing this after our Dogpile phase, with Walt and Sarah nestled on one side of the couch and my feet resting in Walt's lap. They're both fast asleep, Walt sawing logs like there's no tomorrow and hugging our petite girl like she's a younger kid taking a nap with a trusted relative. One of his hands is clutching my left ankle in lieu of one of my hands, and his thumb his still autonomically stroking the one pad of flesh on the root of my foot that isn't tickle-prone.

I love that we start our weekends like this: by shedding the week and basking in our warmth, our closeness and our love.

#life post #cw: sex mention

1 note · View note

ericathefae · 1 year

Text

The Experiment

Alright, update time. I've spent the last... week? week and a half? I have no idea, on avoiding anything and everything like usual. I had a doctor's appointment (allergy, not dopamine) on Wednesday and I have a meeting (in person) with my thesis advisor later today - both have caused quite a lot of stress and therefore avoidance, but I'm also aware that I'm taking the easy way out way too often - it's like I can't quite make myself "sit" with the anxiety (within it more like) and instead all my coping mechanisms trigger to get me out of the situation. Which is a good thing, you know, that they work. It's just not so damn optimal when they sabotage you trying to deal with the anxiety (or even trying to figure out what's specifically causing it).

So, here's what we're doing - and oh, boy am I not looking forward to this, but I think it's genuinely needed for me to start to change anything (after all, medicine wouldn't fix everything, it might make it easier, but starting now will just give me a head start, right?)

Cut myself off from practically all my usual coping mechanisms (during the so called working day, for me that gotta be from when I get up till 6 o'clock in the evening, after that I can do whatever the f... I want)

So no youtube, fanfiction or tumblr! (or any other easily digestible entertainment)

Also, no soda and chips (or other binges), no playing computer games, no sleeping the day away (or at least I gotta try something else before I nap)

The only exception is listening to podcasts or reading in physical books (something I haven't done in a long while and probably won't start again just like that, but I think it's wise to keep a second option at hand)

Other procrastination options are crocheting (it calms me down), cleaning (because that would be an awesome habit to develop) and taking a walk (to get myself away from things, also excercise)

In other words, I'm gonna get up whenever I'm gonna get up (we can work on regular dayrythms later, okay), make a plan for the day, work on that - and when I encounter anxiety or struggle to make myself "do the thing" I cannot use my regular coping mechanisms to avoid it. Instead I have to:

a) Note what's going on (what am I feeling, physically and mentally, write it down) b) Reformulate what I'm trying to do into something that is easy, singular and brief c) Hype it up, get pumped, go and do the fucking thing! d) When done, deliberately celebrate and actively try to feel joy (to help reinforce the brain's reward system > hopefully, with time, that will make it easier to get started and maybe counteract this weird anxiety thing going on) e) Alternatively, if that doesn't work or I'm just not okay right now and need to deal with it before I can do anything else, first: write that down (point a), then choose either: sitting on the floor, just breathing making something to eat or drink crocheting taking a walk (while listening to a podcast is a viable option for all of the above)

This should, if all goes to plan, first of all be really fucking unpleasant (after all, my coping mechanisms are there for a reason and I've definitely been using them as a crutch for years), secondly, teach myself a lot about what's both causing the anxiety as well as making myself used to feeling my own feelings (ugh), and thirdly, make myself spend more time doing rather than avoiding (I am so done with letting my life slip through my fingers > trying to willpower through ain't do nothing, it just causes more anxiety that I have automaticly fled from, but maybe facing this thing head on - not by using brute force but by simplifying and observing - will reveal the way forward).

This is a good plan. Now I just need to follow it. For the record, if I do "fail" and end up using my good old avoidance tactics, here's the consequence: don't beat myself up, be kind, and also I loose 100 gold coins per ten minutes of avoidance. That'll hopefully function as somewhat of a deterrent (the gold I'm refering to is part of my gamification system that I still haven't fleshed out entirely yet).

I'm not entirely sure how this dopamine deficiency + anxiety thing really interacts and what exactly causes what (not to mention the sort of autistic part, but we're ignoring that for the moment since those are things I have learned to live with and work around). I'm pretty sure the overall lack of motivation and difficulty in experiencing joy comes from a dysfunctional dopamine system. The anxiety might be something that I've always been susceptible to, but which gets worse with stress (hello thesis nightmare) - I don't know if it has a direct negative influence on said dopamine system or if it's "just" that I've developed an automatic anxiety response to school work (still not entirely sure why that is, though) that triggers said avoidance and therefore a heavy reliance on coping mechanisms that only serve me in the short run.

In any case, we're trying this - drasticly limiting my available coping mechanisms to make myself avoid less and suffer through more (in the hope that it'll make things clearer). Also, a potential bonus could be less hours just going down the drain unnoticed, since a lot of my usual avoidance strategies take a lot of time - I don't think this'll suddenly make me able to work on my thesis for eight hours in a row, but maybe it'll mean that I'll get the dishes done. Or at least experience some sunlight once in a while.

#executive dysfunction #autistic inertia #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #experiment #list making #coping mechanism #gamification #also #apparently talking about myself using the royal we #waves hand

1 note · View note