#i will be healthier and less messy than this but where’s the fun in that

[saracastically]

queen of her domain / modern day dionysus / failgirl after my own heart

#i have. top surgery next week. and am looking forward to vegging out basically #i will be healthier and less messy than this but where’s the fun in that #illustration #procreate #surrounded by screens n snacks let’s go #(i am So nervous lmao) #art

[sunnysglow]

Plans for the month of June.

I didn’t really map out my plans for May so it was kind of a hectic month for me. However, I survived and made it through stress free. So, here’s me mapping out my goals and by putting them on this blog, I will be holding myself accountable.

Goals for June:

Rebuild my wardrobe

Some ways I’m going to do that is by going through my wardrobe and getting rid of everything I don’t wear/doesn’t fit my dream image of myself. After that, I’ll slowly start buying things that do in fact fit the image that I want for her and how I want her to look. Another thing I’ve noticed about my wardrobe, is that it’s very limited which in turn cases it to be repetitive. The excuse I used to use was that the only time I got dressed was to go to work and I really didn’t care about the way I dressed because I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. I still don’t have any desire to try to impress anyone but, I feel great when I look good and I like when people notice.

Eat healthier (back to vegan/plant based)

Now one thing I’ve noticed is that I’m the type of person that will eat whatever I don’t have to cook. If its microwaveable, I’ll eat it. If everyone else is eating it, I’ll also eat it. When I was strictly vegan, I didn’t feel as bloated as I do when I eat meat, I lose weight easier, I’m much happier, and my overall health and appearance is much better. I want to get back to feeling like I was on top of the world even when I had a bare face. I also want to cook more and if I have a specific diet that I enjoy that I have to really watch what I eat with, I will definitely have to cook more. It’s super hard to find vegan food where I live anyway.

Workout more (hit the gym daily)

I need to get my body right. At my current weight and appearance, I’m unhappy. I could put on the cutest outfit but I just don’t like the way I look in it. It isn’t that I don’t think I can’t rock it, I definitely can, I just don’t like the current state of my body. I really stopped caring about how I treated my body and now I’m suffering the consequences. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me speaking negatively about my body. I love my body, even with some extra rolls. This is me speaking negatively about the way I’ve treated my body. I need to do better.

Take more time for myself.

I don’t make enough time for loving myself or pampering myself. Like, I really cannot remember the last time I treated myself to an at home spa day. You know, face mask, bubble bath, good book, good wine kind of night. I need to pencil that in more often, even if it means that I have to request days off work.

Save more money/ be smarter with money.

I don’t know how to tell myself “no” when it comes to shopping and it usually end up with me spending way more than my budget. I love retail therapy as much as the next girl. However, we do need to be planning for the future and we do need to have a rainy day fund (just in case of any emergencies that may spring about). I do plan on going to school soon which may mean working less hours and I need to be prepared for that.

Skin care

My skin is so oily and its frustrating. Being mostly barefaced is all fun and games until I look in the mirror and I look like a glazed doughnut. Like seriously?! It’s not cute! And some days I don’t give myself enough time to do a full mattifying makeup look so I’m stuck looking greasy.

Learn Spanish

Learning Spanish is very beneficial career wise and because my boyfriend’s family mostly speaks Spanish. We’re also teaching my goddaughter Spanish and it would help her significantly if I could speak to her in Spanish. It would also make my boyfriend very happy. Though, the person who would benefit the most is me. I honestly love learning languages and before I decided on Spanish, I was teaching myself Korean.

Keep my room clean

I’ve honestly let my room go, honestly. Like I feel like my life is falling apart when it gets messy. I find peace in cleanliness and organization so I’v started the mont with a clean and decluttered room in hopes that I can keep it that way. Honestly, I don’t spend much time in here anymore so I’m hoping that makes it a bit easier.

Read more

I need to get back into reading books. I miss getting lost in the pages and adding new words to my vocabulary. I used to keep myself up late at night just really getting deep into a book and anticipating the next chapter or sequel when I set the book down to rest. It’s a beneficial hobby to possess for many reasons; you’re getting educated and you’re relieving stress. I don’t see anything wrong with that!

There’s so many more things that I want to do but those are my main focus items. This list is my “big picture” list. Things that’ll make a difference in a long run. I also have my minor details list but, they’re easily achievable and they’re also just daily habits I need to stick to.

#self care #glo up tips #glow up challenge #glow up journey #glow up threads #glow up tips #2021 #2021 goals #glo up #black femininity

[msyinry]

John is a Mess™ part 2

Let’s all take a second to appreciate Francis “Chas” Chandler for a minute here. Because let’s be real, he deserves it. Also, a little commentary on John being a mess but Chas makes him a little less of a mess. Will this explanation be a bit messy? Probably but I’ll try my best to get my point across. Also, I do love John but I can’t defend him from being a mess. It’s part of his charm 🙃

Also just an FYI I’m basing this off the DC Vertigo run of Hellblazer and the Hellblazer special of Chas: the Knowledge, I haven’t read Sandman Present version of Hellblazer because I’m still trying to finish all 300 issues. I’m currently in issue number 187.

Chas being friends with John might have been the best thing that’s ever happened. Chas helps John even though he knows it’s dangerous by providing John with some extra muscle or just by being his driver. He sticks with John despite the messy situations John ends up in. Chas is the few things that John has that’s stable in his life.

This friendship only truly sprouted when John was young and needed a cheap place to stay in. That cheap lodging ended up being Chas’s place where his mom and her horrible monkey familiar who terrorized him in his personal life lived. This all leads to the events where Chas becomes indebted to John because he helps Chas by getting rid of the monkey familiar which kills Chas’s mom because a witch and her familiar is linked to each other. 

This debt wasn’t really portrayed negatively since it was more of a friendly thing between the two of them. The debt has led the pair to be excellent friends to each other. Chas was even a roadie for Mucous Membrane, a punk band John was in for a while. However, this debt doesn’t get mentioned again in the older comics after an arc where John believes he’s going to die and thanks Chas for everything he’s done (I forgot the title of it but I’ll edit the post when I remember it, the letter is at the bottom of this paragraph). The point I’m trying to make is that the two have a long history with each other. Probably one of the few longest and healthier relationships he has.

Now let’s say, for a “what-if” scenario, John never needed cheap lodging. Maybe he got cheap lodging somewhere else but the two never lived with each other. Would the two of them be as close to each other as their present stories go? What in the world would have happened to John?

In my humble opinion, John would be a lot worse than we see him now, as well as a lot darker. The friends John has in his life are few, and a good percentage of what happened to his previous friends are dead and/or hate him. We also see that he has some guilt over his past mistakes which has made him pessimistic and have a dark outlook on life.

Despite all of that, Chas and him can still go to the pub to drink and have fun, despite Renee (Chas’s wife)’s disapproval. Now this could be because John protects and shows that he does care for him. Multiple times in different stories we see the trash magician has told his friend to go home for the sake of his wife and his safety. In Chas: the Knowledge, John helps Chas as much as he can with his demon situation by sending him spells to stop the demon through a fax machine from an Ibizan Airport (before this, John wanted Chas to not bother with the situation because he knows dealing with the demon is dangerous).  

With John protecting his best friend, it leads me to believe that Chas is definitely one of the few things the messy magician has in his life. Without Chas, John would be making new friends as well as burning old ones without keeping too many permanent ones. This is a toxic pattern that keeps repeating in every other story John is in. I always have interpreted Chas being one of the few human things John has left. Almost as if he ground him. If Chas is gone, John would really be a rolling stone that causes mass supernatural tragedies around him. He would be even less hesitant to throw his friends for the greater good because he would be more conditioned to not having a constant person in his life. Maybe the only positive thing about this AU would be that John will finally learn how to drive. I wonder what kind of car this British trash bag would own.

Now, I’m not saying Chas is a saint, the man definitely has some flaws. In his own solo special, he admits he uses John for some excitement in his life.  However, in terms of John’s own life, he’s definitely a highlight to the trash magus. Chas is still a loyal person (only time he betrays John is when his own family is being threatened because of John’s situation) who tries to do good and be a good man to his family. 

I really wish more people would talk about Chas Chandler because he really deserves it. Hopefully one day someone who’s better at analyzing this character will be able to make a better essay on him than I can.

Also is it just me but Renee really reminds me of Chas’s mother please help-

#hellblazer #john constantine #john is a mess #chas chandler #chas is a secret mvp #chas needs praise

[honey-makki]

Irreconcilable

Characters: Asahi Azumane X GN!Reader

Summary: Asahi’s mental health can be debilitating sometimes. Taking a toll on himself and relationships with others, but how far will they go to help him?

Warnings: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts

Song: this is me trying- taylor swift

 Genre: angst/comfort

Count: 2k

A/N: please head the warnings. this discusses and is an explicit portrayl of anxiety and depression with references to suicidal thoughts. it isn’t “fun” but nevertheless i think its good. at least it felt good to write,

Asahi hasn’t left his bed yet today, rather listening to the rain and staring up at the ceiling, wondering how long it’ll be before he can fall asleep again. This isn’t an uncommon situation for him, his figure shrouded in darkness and enveloped by the blankets on his bed.  The occasional buzz of his phone goes unnoticed. 

The darkness of the room shifts throughout the day, casting heavier shadows on his bed in the afternoon, shadows that he can feel the weight of on his chest. They mirror the heavy feeling in his heart and the discontent in his head. Would sorry have made any difference? It��s just a word, a word I would have struggled to even say.

The passage of time seems like its just a theoretical concept until the gnawing pain of hunger starts to peek through. He’s not hungry per se, but his body is telling him that three days without eating is way too long. The tinge of pain is a welcome feeling, no matter how fleeting.

It would still be a few hours before Asahi made his way to the kitchen, long after his flatmates are asleep, hoping to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. There isn’t a reason he can articulate for the way he looks, hair messy and unwashed, deep circles under his eyes despite sleeping most of the time, and his thinning frame drawing in his seemingly oversized old volleyball jacket.

He doesn’t even think he would try to come up with an excuse should they see him, the effort seeming monumental for little to no reward. He’s gotten to the point where he isn’t hiding it, any actions to make it easier to deal with, like using the kitchen sparingly and only at odd hours, are just due to convenience not fear of response. 

Holding a bowl of cheese puffs and a long-forgotten packet of Takenoko No Sato Asahi makes his way back to his room, each footstep silent. Sitting in his desk chair he pops something in his mouth, not really sure if it was sweet or savory because to him they all taste the same, something akin to cardboard, or wood chips uncomfortably dry in his mouth. 

The milk carton he grabbed out of the fridge doesn’t taste much better. It feels thick, so much so that he isn’t sure he will be able to swallow (or stomach) it. He might as well be drinking a bottle of unscented lotion, and even then that might be better. 

He isn’t sure how long has passed since he keeps zoning out, but the bowl of leftover puffs look about as appetizing as styrofoam peanuts, and he knows that if he doesn’t get them out fo his room, he might be sick. Being sick is a lot more effort than sneaking to the kitchen, that is as long as it’s late. 

He finally checks his phone after what has been, hours? A day? Maybe three days? It’s not the brightness of the screen that hurts, or the way all the notifications make his heart race, its the background picture that makes it nye impossible to use. Its you.

Seeing your smiling face next to his, he recognizes every single square millimeter of your face, long ago committed to memory. He could paint it blindfolded if he needed to, but the person next to you? He doesn’t see himself looking back. The clear skin, the glow, the beaming smile, the light in his eyes. Maybe its liveliness, maybe its adoration, maybe its gratitude, but regardless, he doesn’t retain nor deserves any of those emotions. 

It’s his fault he’s here alone in his room staring at a bug climbing the wall. step. step. step. Each leg of the ant moving in unison, carrying it to some future that it can imagine. How depressing is it that an ant has a brighter future than I do? Every second he spends looking at the ant is one less second he is being drawn deeper into the tumultuous whirlpool of dread in his head. 

The buzz of his phone clacks against the ceramic bowl, discordant in the otherwise silent room. The noise acts as a life preserver he feels oddly obligated to take out of the water, looking down to see your name across the screen.  For the second time today, he feels something, earlier it was clearly defined and compartmentalized hunger, now? It’s a ceaseless swirl of resigned hopelessness, despair, anxiety, irritation, and a deep sense of being unworthy of all of these feelings. 

Its easier when he isn’t reminded of you.

He doesn’t plan on responding to your simple ‘hey.’but the follow up of ‘dai said you aren’t well, let’s talk’ still everything but his mind. He can’t breathe in, he can’t move his thumbs to lock his phone or reply to you, all he can do is think about is how this could only go horribly wrong, but that you cared, at least cared enough about him to check-in. Even after everything he did.

Asahi: We can talk on the phone later I guess, y/n

Y/N: i’ll be over tonight at 7, i still have a key.

7pm. That’s 6 hours away according to his phone. The concept of time mattering feels foreign, should he nap? Take a shower? How long are normal showers? Should he clean his room? Does his room even need to be cleaned? Wash his sheets? Before long he finds himself on the floor, head in his hands with tears streaming down his face. He doesn’t recall getting there or starting to cry, it feels like the tears have always been there, each tear track carving out a trail in his skin, creating invisible canyons. They’re always there, maybe invisible or dry, but the tear tracks are still there. 

The faint thud of his pulse ringing in his head is one of the only things his dulled sense can take in. he can’t place if he’s developed a migraine and the thud is twangs of pain or if he’s just, not here. Living what can only be described as the inverse of an out of body experience, everything else around him fading out into black, leaving him alone in an infinite black universe.

The weight of something on his head brings him back to earth. His head leans up and out of his peripheral sees your knees as you sit on his bed. A small whine leaves his throat as you begin to scratch and massage his scalp. Asahi can’t remember the last time he was touched by another person, and he doesn’t know how he lived so long without it. Your fingers are massaging fatigue out of his bones, undoing tension he’s caring in his shoulders. 

It’s illogical that the light touches from each of your fingertips on his scalp can undo so much damage to his body, but that’s a skill you honed over time, and you can visibly see him become grounded. 

“Asahi you know I can’t keep doing this. I would do this every day for the rest of my life if asked because I know it helps, but I hate seeing you like this. I’m scared that one day I’m going--” your chocked sobs are finally audible enough for him to perceive, “that you are gonna be too far gone. I wouldn’t be able to take that Asahi. Life without you is hard enough, I don’t want to imagine a world without you.”

He knew his mental health issues affected you, its the whole reason he left you in the first place, feeling guilty for you having to take care of him and him not making any progress. But he didn’t realize how scared you were. That he might just wither away, or suddenly not be here anymore. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t thought about it more than once, but never taking any tangible steps forward. 

He still hasn’t said anything, but after a few minutes of you both crying, he just nods his head. You aren’t exactly sure what that means, but his voice croaks out, “help. I’ll get help.” The admission wasn’t something you expected but the hoarseness of his voice from crying or nonuse makes it all the more real. That maybe you were right to worry, and you were right to set this ultimatum. 

A few hours later, you leave Asahi’s apartment, he fell asleep after you helped him bathe and changed his sheets. You left phone numbers of multiple psychologists and therapists, and an offer that you would make an appointment if he couldn’t find the willpower to do so. You have a cup of tea with Daichi before you leave, telling him about Asahi wanting to get help. You ask him to try to make sure that Asahi is doing at least the bare minimum or eating real food once a day and showering. Small steps eventually add up to a healthier person.

Months pass, where you and Asahi exchange a few text messages, detailing about he found a therapist, and his journey to find a medication that made him feel better and not worse. The conversations are long, but they always leave you hopeful about his progress.

You expected the knock on the door to be your take out but instead are looking at the chest of a much taller man. You look up to see Asahi’s face, a nervous smile looking down at you. His skin looks healthier, not as pallid or marred with deep sleeplessness, his hair is up in a bun, but you can see how much healthier it looks. The most notable change is that you can see light in his eyes. There’s something in there, hope maybe or just contentment with his growth. But there’s something, something that he made on his own and can hold onto.

Sure there are still signs that he isn’t fully back to the Asahi you met a long time ago, his hair is still thin, his frame is still not as filled out as it once was, but is definitely in a healthier range, his smile isn’t 100% confident and doesn’t seem to fully reach his eyes, but he looks good. And if he’s here, he must be feeling good.

“Hey y/n, I’ve been doing a lot better recently and my therapist said I should come and speak my mind. First, let me give you the most genuine and heartfelt thank you I can muster. If you hadn’t said what you did that one evening, I would never have gotten help and I honestly might not be here.”

His words are confident and sincere. They sound a little rehearsed, which is endearing. Asahi was never the most eloquent or poised person when it comes to feelings, but his declarations of love were always true in the deepest sense of the word. You couldn’t contain the smile on your face even if you wanted to, not when he’s done so much, not when he’s trying so hard. 

“I might perceive the world as darker and more hellish than it actually is sometimes, but I’m gonna try again and again to soothe my heart and pick the flowers growing in the midst of hell. You are one of those flowers, a light in the darkness that motivates and assures me that all is well. If you would like, I want to grab coffee with you, like old times.”

Your bodies are bathed in golden sunlight from the window behind you, giving your nod a lucent halo. The halo fades as you step out and close the door behind you, but the glow doesn’t, it’s part of him, part of you.

Tags

@ceo-of-daichi​ @haikyuuhotline​ @sugawara-sweetheart​ @nonexistent-social-life​ @laughingismorefun​ @iguessimastannow​

#asahi #azumane asahi #asahi azumane #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fanfiction #hq!! #hq!! fanfiction #asahi x y/n #asahi x reader #asahi azumane x y/n #asahi azumane x reader #kristen writes #folklore series #folklore #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw suicide

[editorialsonlife]

Well

Welp, feeling like doing an update because there's been a lot going on to be honest. its one of those weird dichotomies where every day feels like an eternity and there's so much going on and then you look back and you're like oh, ok its just my brain making it difficult and making things take forever but anyway.

LOCKDOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNN

Lockdown life was good, apart from being thrust into it so suddenly dave left a banana on his desk. Wasn't great to come back to after 5 weeks out of the office - mummified mouldy banana!! Classic. We luckily got our first jab before lockdown started so that was good, and we were reasonably well stocked up on food and were generally a lot healthier this lockdown that last. honestly, there's a level of chill and serenity in lockdown that i just love. the ability to set my own schedule and only work the hours I actually work to get the job done? Amazing. getting 8.5 hours of sleep each night without having to wake to an alarm blaring? AMAZING. getting to go for walks every afternoon? SO FLIPPING GOOD. I love it so much, I really really do. I need this to be my life permanently.

WORK

Work is just ongoing and draining and honestly, coming back to the office was so fucking stressful and it was only one day. Being at home is just the fucking bomb. Pending home decisions, I wanna go contracting I think, but also ideally two part time contracts to have more flexibility? I dunno. You'd think a big 4 would provide variety but it really doesn't and honestly, with Richie leaving, wellington is just a sinking ship. Sean's off on parental leave, Kirstyn is down to four days a week, ben will be gone if he doesn't get promoted (and I don't think he will be tbh). Jack is just muddling along, Nigel wants to swap to consulting as well, Matt's going to be a shit leader in terms of bringing in work so it's just not going to work. and in our wider group it's going to get even more messy with heaps of the analysts leaving and a couple of senior hires too. so I think it's probably time to jump ship in general, pending the home stuff below. Also, coming back after a break again, I'm like, I don't actually like a lot of you? All the people I enjoy here are in other teams and groups, and I'll be sad to leave you all, but like, not enough to stay anyway lol.

Pending the home below, two options are to just going and get a job with a $30k payrise to make up for the maternity leave benefits I'm gunna leave behind when I leave this role - 18 weeks full pay, $100 a week for the first year back and a full year of maternity leave. It's basically 30k post tax which is a bit nuts to walk away from to be honest.

Otherwise the other option is to go contracting. Less security overall but holy shit so much money. If I went in as a project coordinator at the lowest rate to build up a bit of a portfolio I'd need to work 40 weeks of 40 hr weeks and Id basically match my current salary plus the lost family leave benefits and still qualify for govt maternity leave payments. Realistically I could go in as a project manager for $140 an hour ($60 more an hour than the above math) and absolutely smash it at that level as well so ya know, there's a bunch of other info. I like the idea of the flexibility of it and only having 6 months even if its a shitshow and beign able to walk away at the end of it. I really don't want to get a govt job and this is a v govt town which is fine but also, if I can avoid it that would be great. I just know I'm not gunna thrive in that environment.

Need to talk to Dave to get him across the line on the security issue part of that though. I've mostly come a long way in terms of my financial management (thanks YNAB) so I think he'd be ok with it mostly.

So there's a lot to toss up there because......

HOME

We got the reno plans done during lockdown, finally. which was super good. but holy fkn jesus $$$$$$ ++++++++++. The guy is coming around for the final quote on Thursday. We indicatively said $100k total because we're doing kitchen laundry bathroom and toilet. so only the most expensive rooms and when I was talking to him last week he said 'that might cover it' and they're seeing cost escalations of 7-10% a week which is just insane. we're not doing anything structural apart from putting in a cavity slider in the bathroom, and the quote they'll give us won't include flooring since they won't do it.

Meanwhile, the prefab homes I were looking at for our site were $425k fully done. Like, I'm not going to spend $130K on doing up my 1940s ex state house ya know? That's not good cost benefit ratio.

So depending on what that comes out at on thursday we'll be able to make some plans.

We also want to start trying for kids next year and need these renos done first - I am not having kids and no dishwasher lol.

Also we need bank financing so good to be in a permanent stable job for that application. the good thing is we have so much equity we know we can borrow whatever we need, I just don't want to spend that much money on it because it's fkn ridiculous. and if I'm going on maternity leave we need to be able to cover it all on dave's salary and whatever benefits I have as well so there;s a lot of financial planning and spreadsheeting going on at the moment lol. it's fab.

either way. we've got plenty of options up our sleeve. we've got friends who's brother owns a building company so we can talk to them, we've got the garage so we can get things prefabricated even if they're not installed til next year, Dave can get shit at cost through his work for whiteware, there;s plenty of things to like cost control we can do, we just need to know where we're starting from basically. thats the challenging part. but we'll figure it out, its just taking longer than I want it to basically.

We also planted up the vege garden for the spring/summer which was lovely, super jazzed about that. we've finally got the garden to a reasonably low maintenance level where everything is mostly under control and it's such a relief, honestly.

PERSONAL

Man what a shift to lockdown last year honestly. I think the last 8 weeks in particular has just been like, a massive reality check of how absolutely shit the last year was and how fucking glad I am to be rid of it. I spent a week absolutely spiralling 2 weeks ago now and honestly, I don't know how I lived in the state for more than a year. I actually don't know how I did it. and I could not be more glad that I'm finally on the other side of it, for the most part. There's still a bunch of other stuff to work through (hahahahahaha when is there not like damn) but fucking hell its nice to just not be anxious and nauseous and wound up constantly. life is actually accessible. miracle.

My workmate had his bebe - I went round and got newborn cuddles and was like, oh, is this what it is to be clucky? this is odd. so there's that as well. I think we'll probably start trying next year pending renos and jobs etc. If the renos can be done in jan I'll prob just stick it at the job to get the benefits but I dunno. it's a tough call to make really. we shall see. This all assumes we get knocked up without any issues which is questionable these days. I really want to feel healthier before getting pregnant as well, and part of that is losing weight. however, given discussing that is what triggered the spiral we're working on that one slowly.

Also, lets have a moment for counselling, because fkn bless anne and all her hard work honestly. I actually ended up emailing her being like, I;m losing my shit on the monday and then talked to her on thursday. And its so funny because it's such a counselling thing but I didn't realise until afterwards what she'd done but she was like you're clearly not doing well and then the night before dave got a fkn miserable migraine and he was up for like, 2 hrs powerchucking except he didn't make it to the bathroom in time so guess who was cleaning up vomit at 130am trying not to chuck herself but I digress. anyway, not doing well, couldn't even explain why, didn't even have words and super tired and she's like, what lynaire up to this week how's she going with izzy and chat about that and then be like how are you feeling about your body and then 5 more mins of chat about the cat and the chickens and then like bam hard question and then hows it going with x and y and z and its like, it wasn't til I was on my walk afterwards when I FINALLY started feeling marginally better I was like damn woman work your magic for figuring it out for me and helping me reregulate. all over the phone as well since we were still in lockdown. GREAT WORK FRIEND.

and then last week was like totally fucked theoretical discussion about religion and the role it's played in my life and fate vs free will and all this nutty shit but genuinely just a great discussion. She's the best and I love her. thank good for good counsellors. thank god I can afford to pay for it honestly.

Dave and I are just chugging along, god bless that man. I love him. its amazing. I miss having friends close by but understand why they had to move (boooooo f u house prices). Family is pretty chill, still not really talking to dave's parents which is nightmarish but we'll deal with that when we need to. gunna have to go and visit them at some point coz dave misses them and I feel for him, I really do. It's the whole boundaries renegotiation I went through with my family last year post wedding blow up and its just not a fun place to be. oh well. can't fix it for him but also I'm not putting up with that level of BS from either of our families once we have children. not gunna happen.

Either way, life is busy and full and fun and I'm enjoying it. Daylight savings starts this weekend too, its october next week WTF and I'm just waiting for 4pm to find out what's gunna happen to our girls trip. Clearly we cancelled our sept trip to christchurch and akaroa and hanmer springs so my covid travel curse continues. fkn ridic. Still dunno what we're gunna do with $2500 of flight credits coz if we get knocked up theres def no international trips happening any time soon.

thus concludes the almost 2000 word write up of life. hope you've enjoyed it. I'll throw up some pics in a separate post if people care about reno plans. such a good time!

[captain-azoren]

Legend of Korra books 3 & 4

Finished rewatching books 3 and 4 of Korra. Here on my thoughts on them and the series as a whole after seeing it again after so many years.

I think books 3 and 4 are pretty solid. Aside from a few flaws, I think 3 is the overall best with the best pacing. I think a big issue with book 2 was that it was trying and failing to juggle a very big cast and multiple subplots that made it feel like a mess. That’s not an issue with 3 or 4, where every character has a relevant purpose and plot threads come together more naturally. 

4 does this a little bit worse as I think the plot kind of starts and stops a couple of times, but it’s not terrible. Kuvira’s build up as a villain is very shaky when compared to Amon and Zaheer, but still better than Unalaq’s arc going down the drain. It really does seem like the worst parts of her villainy are told and not shown (those being the reeducation camps and slave labor). I think they could have shown at least one of these camps instead of just seeing the escapees that Varrick and Bolin meet.

I still think the Red Lotus are the best antagonists in LoK just for having the best arc overall. They had Amon’s intrigue, stayed consistent in their motivations like Kuvira, and they have the most dimensions overall just from the little bits of interaction we see of them. What’s more, they didn’t disappoint me in the end.

The Colossus I didn’t mind or find out of place. It just doesn’t bother me when the show has had Koizilla and giant drills in AtLA. I can understand how the mechanics of it work as well. I didn’t feel like my suspension of disbelief was broken considering everything else. I think fans who dislike it are more bothered by it breaking the setting further away from fantasy and into sci-fi.One question though, why does a spirit energy canon need a rifled barrel?

Mako is a much better character in 3 and 4 because he���s finally allowed to be someone other than a love interest. His interactions with Bolin can be really fun and it’s kind of a shame how often they’re separated. I also noticed on a rewatch that he does make a good detective, having good perception and coming up with ideas. It’s better than the pro-bender he started out as and probably his best strength. 

I think I actually like Mako now whereas before he was the most forgettable, and I think he deserves some looking into. A lot of the hate comes from him being put into really tough spots where he just can’t win. Mako goes from being extremely aloof to being a loyal but beleaguered straight man to the group.

Raiko I feel similarly to Mako. I think he’s another guy who keeps getting put into tough spots with no easy solution. He doesn’t really deserve hate either, and honestly probably made the best decisions he could as a president (I know from experience how bad they can be...) Him being hated and voted out in the comics seem like Bryke was over correcting, something they seem to do a lot.

Suyin I have mixed feelings on. She really does seem like someone Bryke really wanted fans to like and agree with, but they shilled her a bit too much and at the expense of Lin. Su’s apology to Lin at the end of their dispute felt kind of half-hearted, and despite being justified, the whole thing is framed as Lin being the one in the wrong, stuck in the past, unable to move on after Su had changed. We don’t see Su change though, and Su keeps acting like what she did wasn’t that big a deal, so it falls flat.

What’s more, Su continues being a big presence into book 4, and I think I have to agree with Kuvira that Su should have at least done something to help the EK out. It really does make Su come off as kind of a cowardly hypocrite who’s so afraid of looking like a dictator that she doesn’t even try to help. She doesn’t want to be treated like royalty or an authoritarian, but if you look at Zaofu the place is already set up like a small kingdom, with the Beifongs being the divine bloodline descended from Toph, the strongest bender to ever live. Su is a queen in all but name, and if she was so afraid of looking like a dictator she could have just given up the power like Kuvira was supposed to have done. Su just rubs me the wrong way from start to finish, and it’s partly because the show doesn’t challenge her or make her change. It just expects us to see her as being right, and she just isn’t.

Bolin being a lava bender I remember being really excited for, because it was something I predicted when I first saw it years ago. I don’t have a problem with how he discovered it. It’s not the best way I’d like see someone discover a new power, but I think it’s better than when Korra finally got airbending (though that didn’t bother me too much either). It just kind of made sense to me and finally gave something else to stand out besides comic relief.

The air kids got better in 3 and 4 too. Meelo got less annoying, Jinora was more fleshed out, and I actually really like Ikki in book 4.

Now Korra and Asami. I think Korra is maybe at her most static in book 3, but her arc in book 4 is the most interesting as she had to build herself back up. I don’t agree with some of the things that are just told to the viewer, like how she needed to learn from her enemies. At the finale Korra says she had to suffer to learn compassion, but it’s not like Korra wasn’t a compassionate person already. Korra’s arc seemed more centered on dealing with trauma and finding her purpose in a world that seemed hellbent on telling her she wasn’t needed. I don’t know if that was some kind of meta commentary, but it does work.

I do like Korra’s overall development from where she was in book 1. If I had to put it into words, I think her story is about trying to fulfill a role that she’s been groomed for her whole life, trying to live up to expectations, pushed into doing what others want her to do, failing those things, then finding the strength and resolve to achieve success on her own terms, even if it’s not what everyone wants. Korra gradually learns to stop being a tool for world leaders to use to keep order or power. It’s not always done well, but it’s there.

It’s nice to see her and Asami be friends after the love triangle stuff. It’s kind of surprising, but they didn’t really interact all that much in the first two books all things considered. Asami doesn’t change a whole lot throughout the series, but her reconnecting with her dad at the end felt satisfying.

I’ll be honest, I never really saw Korrasami happening and didn’t view much of their interactions as being romantic in nature. I think only the letter writing and their reunion seems a little shippy, but not very obvious. That said, I can buy the two of them finally realizing they might be attracted to each other at the finale, as a beginning to their relationship. The real problem is that shippers and even Bryke overhyped this moment up as it being ENDGAME rather than treating it as what is was, a spark of attraction. Korra and Asami aren’t in love yet, they’re just going on their first official date.

I do like them being together though. It seems a lot healthier than other potential relationships, and let’s be real here; Asami NEEDED something to make her happy because holy shit has she be through a lot by the end of the series. Dumped by Mako twice, almost lost her company and lost her dad after she forgave him. Give the poor rich girl a break.

So, final thoughts on the series as a whole; it’s not as good as AtLA, but that’s mostly on the execution. LoK was messy and had issues, but it did eventually smooth things out after a lot of course correcting. There are things I don’t like, but not enough for me to write it off, and it has plenty of strengths that make it deserving of a watch if you keep an open mind. 

I remember ThunderCats 2011 getting a lot of flak too, and that’s one of my favorite shows ever despite its glaring flaws, so I really can’t work up the energy to trash LoK. I know plenty of people can connect to it even if I don’t, at least not fully, and I honestly do believe that overall LoK’s strengths outweigh its flaws, even if it can be inconsistent and unpolished.

LoK may take place in the same world as AtLA, but it is a very fundamentally different series, and beyond a few very core basics of storytelling I think it’s a little unfair to compare the two. It’s not the masterpiece it could have been, but at the end I still enjoyed it. I might have more thoughts later, but these are what I have for now.

#Legend of Korra #The Legend of Korra #lok #tlok #korra #mako #bolin #asami #asami sato #korrasami

[fearfulkittenwrites]

Their first walks on the Wayne’s garden - Chapter 1: Dick Grayson

A glimpse into Bruce's relationships with his kids, seen through the first time he took each of them on a walk through his garden.

Or: Bruce Wayne actually tries to communicate and care for his children. Because fuck canon.

Word count: 1806

Notes: Hello! This is a multi-chaptered work. It doesn't exactly follow canon (bc canon had Bruce being an awful dad) but also doesn't disagree with most of it. It's simply short stories of the batfam, all set in the same environment. Each chapter will focus around Bruce and a certain kid. This one, as the title says, is focused on Dick and Bruce.

TW// This chapter talks about racism and bullying. I used a slur in one of the characters lines, but in no way do I (or the character) condone it's use. It's there because said character is reporting a bad event. Those mentions are not graphic and shouldn't make your experience reading this unpleasent, however, if you feel unconfortable with this, please, skip this chapter.

Bruce Wayne is an introspective man with too much to do. Inside the manor, there was usually this unspoken pressure he put on himself and other to always be occupied with something. Of course, living alone, that was probably due to the fact that everyone but him was working on something - working for him. So he felt his quiet restlessness was only fair. If he ever needed to be alone with his thoughs, he would take walks around the garden, when the gardeners – who also worked for him - had already left. Every afternoon, just before the sun would set, he’d stroll through the vast green area that surrounded the building, appreciating every tulip, lily and carnation planted there. He particularly liked the roses Alfred cared for.

He jokingly called them Alfred’s children once. The buttler had told him that if this were true, then Bruce could consider himself the plant’s foster brother.

When Dick moved in, he also took a liking of the garden, although for very different reasons. He liked to be there early in the morning, basking in the sunlight before he went to school, when it was brimming with life and movement. The gardeners treated him like a son, showed him how to care for all the different flowers and plants they had and allowed him to check the bushes for bugs he could save before they’d prune and shape them. Of course, Alfred wasn’t exactly pleased with the habit, since he would always get dirt all over himself before school, and would need to change into a new uniform after being called back inside. However, no matter how upset the extra laundry made him, he would never deny the boy such a simple pleasure; when he first got to the manor, his smile was a rarity to be cherished. Alfred kept a brief mental list of everything that could put a grin on Dick’s face.

One day, after school, Bruce’s stomach felt cold and tight. Something was up with Dick. He knew it, but couldn’t explain why the small boy was gloomier, less fidgety and more still than usual. When inquired, his answer would invariably be:

“It’s nothing B, I’m fine.”

After the third attempt, he decided to approach this matter through a different strategy.

Dick was sitting next to him on the couch, pretending to watch a movie.

“Come with me,” He said, extending his hand to him as he got up “Let’s take a walk.”

He hesitated for a moment, but decided to go. The sun was starting to set, but the clouds still painted the sky white. Bruce’s pace was slow; he wasn’t in a hurry. Dick kept his head down as they walked in silence, but grew more and more nervous by the second. He couldn’t bring himself to speak right now, even if he wasn’t the type to enjoy quiet. Thankfully, Bruce noticed his discomfort and started to talk.

“I do this every day.” He explained “For some reason, it’s almost like I can’t think properly inside. Like there’s not enough room.” Dick kept himself quiet, wich scared the man a little “Of course, that sounds a little silly considering where we live.” At least he could bring a little smile to the boys face. Good. Keep going. “Still, for some reason, my head clears out when I’m outside. I noticed that when I was sixteen, and then the walks became a habit. It’s almost like my version of venting.” The sky was starting to turn pink at that point, and the clouds took on warmer colors to match it “Sometimes, everything can be so chaotic. But here, it’s always so quiet. So beautiful.”

He stopped and kneeled down, examining a pink carnation between his fingers.

“I know something’s up Dick.” He said, trying to sound understanding and caring, unsure on whether he was succeeding in it or not. “You can talk to me, if you want to. Or Alfred. It’s also okay if you prefer to deal with it on your own, but you don’t strike me as the type to keep things to yourself.” He smiled a little, standing up.

“You think I’m a crybaby, don’t you?” Dick sounded more doubtful and hurt than angry as he asked.

“No.” Bruce answered “I think you have a healthier approach to life than I do. You share things. You learn to let go, eventually. I keep silence and carry burdens because I don’t have that skill anymore. You know how to trust people in a way I’ll never be able to. I don’t want you to lose that because you don’t think I want to hear what you have to say.”

“Do you?” He asked, still uncertain and scared. “Want to listen to me, that is?”

“Of course I do, Dick.”

“Okay.” The boy still reflected for a couple of moments “It’s... silly. Some kids at school are making fun of me, and, well, it was harder today I guess.” Bruce had questions. Who were these kids? For how long had this been going on? Why were you keeping it a secret? Still, he bit his tongue. He knew he had to listen now, the questions could come up later “There’s this girl, Lisa. Mr. Hans, the gardener, he told me to give her a flower and tell her how I feel, and Alfred gave me one of his red roses for me to give her. She’s really pretty.” He sighed, ashamed “But she didn’t want it. She laughed and...” His eyes got a little teary and he choked on the words, words that tasted like iron on his mouth and felt like poison on Bruce’s ears “And she told me she’d never be with a dirty gypsy like me.” Dick couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, so he hid his face in his hands before finishing “It’s just... I never thought she’d think like that too. Just the boys was bad, but... It hurts. It hurts so much.” Bruce kneeled down to be at his height, and placed a hand on his shoulder “And then Thomas came up and stomped on the flower, called me a charity case, a circus freak, and pushed me down, and I couldn’t do anything because I didn’t want the reporters to talk about me like they did last time.” He was sobbing now, and Bruce pulled him in a hug, wrapping his arms so tightly around him, desperatly holding his child as he fell apart in front of him.

The last time he mentioned was when he got in a fight at school for the same reasons, on his first week with Bruce. The newspaper wrote a small commentary on him, titled “Richard Grayson-Wayne: Perfect heir or Problem Child?” Dick was so angry. He cried himself to sleep that night. He didn’t tell anyone, but Alfred heard him as he walked away from Bruce’s room.

“I miss... I miss the circus Bruce.” He went on “I know it’s been years now, but I still miss it. I miss moving, and I miss performing there, and I miss my mom and my dad. I wish I could have it back.”

“I know kid.” Bruce said, rubbing circles in his back.

“It was so much easier. So simple.” After a while, the tears subdued a little “I’m sorry Bruce. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. You gave me so much...”

“It’s okay Dick, you’re not ungrateful. It’s normal to miss it.”

They held each other for a little while longer. Dick was the one who let go, when he was ready to. The sky was almost entirely navy blue when they resumed walking. This time, Dick lead them to the white roses and sat down in front of them.

“They are my favorites.” He smiled, taking in their strong scent. “At least for now.”

Bruce sat down next to him and placed a hand on his back.

“Dick, I don’t want to upset you,” He started “But I need to know who’s been making fun of you.”

“It’ll only make things worse Bruce.” He answered, looking down.

“Dick, this is serious.” Bruce insisted.

“It’s just bullying Bruce, I’ll be fine. If you do something, it’ll get worse, trust me.”

“It’s not just bullying Dick.” Bruce turned around to face him, but the boy averted his eyes “Dick, those kids... I know it’s hard, but... Lisa said a very racist thing to you.” His eyes were still fixated at the ground, avoiding Bruce’s “I’ll understand if you don’t want to take action against it Dick, and I’m only trying to protect you, but...”

“It’s Thomas Kline.” Dick interrupted “Thomas Kline, Matthew Peterson, Calvin Harrington and... Lisa Randolph. They are the ones who call me that.” Both of them kept silent for a while, Dick writting patterns on the dirt while Bruce watched him.

“Thank you Dick. I’ll talk to the principal tommorow. And if those kids ever treat you like that again, well...” He smiled “You are Robin. And the media would surely belive you have jiu-jitsu lessons, should things get out of hand.” Dick chuckled a little at that.

“Thanks Bruce.” Dick launched himself forward, wrapping his arms around the man’s waist and burrying his face in his chest.

“No problem.” Bruce smiled as he ran his fingers throug Dick’s dark, messy hair.

...

“Alfred,” Bruce called as he pulled his suit on “I just tucked Dick in. I need to go out for the night.”

“As Bruce Wayne? Or should I worry, master Wayne?”

“Andrew Randolph is throwing a party. I wasn’t planning on attending, but due to current events...” He smoothed his shirt and he walked through the door, Alfred following suit. “We need to talk about his parenting skills.”

...

The next morning, Bruce made the front page. Dick woke up to “Good Morning Gotham!” showing picture’s of him punching Andrew Randolph’s teeth in, in the middle of the socialite’s ball room. The kid’s hair was still smushed on the side, his eyes were a bit puffy and he wore his pajamas as he watched it.

“I don’t know, Charlotte,” One of the anchors commented “The attack seems completly unprovoked.”

“Well, Peter, we have no clue on the content of that conversation.” Charlotte answered “What happened that led the sociable and easy-going billionaire to lose his temper like that?”

“Actually,” The third person, a woman named Nadia, began speaking “When asked about the incident by one of our reporters, Bruce Wayne answered with a simple ‘I don’t appreciate any kind of prejudice. Especially if it’s directed towards my son.’ It’s safe to say that what provoked the fight was, most likely, an unnapreciated comment on Richard Grayson-Wayne’s romani heritage.”

Dick turned off the TV and turned to the man queitly sipping his coffee behind him.

“What did you do last night?”

#Their first walks on the Wayne's garden #Walks on the Wayne's garden #Dick Grayson #Bruce Wayne #Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne #Batfam #batfamily #batboys #writing #fanfic #fanfiction

[cowboylikedean]

folklermore spn finale: the last great american dynasty

Okay so this post took forever to write for a couple reasons. 

First of all, this one is special in that it has two readings for my grief.

The first one is terrible and heartbreaking and honestly I don’t want to spend a lot of time on it. I see Andrew Dabb as THE great villain of Supernatural, and he truly had a marvelous time ruining everything. The sarcastic nature of the song goes in to speak to the fact that I feel legitimately crazy for how much I blame him. It’s sad and heartbreaking. I think about it sometimes when i hear this song and instantly force myself to stop thinking about it and go back to the other view. 

So the other view is more what you might expect with the vibe of the song... but it is SO HARD for me to put into words, I found. So I’m sorry if this is messy and disjointed and all over the place. 

I spoke in cardigan’s post about how I’m not the fan the show wanted and there’s a large part of the narrative in the folkermore-spn-finale feelings for me that expresses not being the fan the narrative wanted or needed.... Most of the time this is brought up in this, it’s angry, or sad, or whatever... but this time... this time it celebrates it.

I had a marvelous time ruining everything.

Putting this under a cut because it’s very long. I didn’t mean for this to get this long rip.

I let myself sink into the feelings of wonder and awe I felt when I first fell in love with the show and then let myself find the conclusion that IF I did in fact “ruin everything” (aka the show) by not being the fan the show needed me to be to enjoy it, at least I had a good fucking time!

From that first bit where Taylor sings that Rebekah’s salt box house took her mind of St. Louis.... Supernatural took my mind off my life too. I remember when I first watched the show, I was 20 and I’d just failed out of school (the first time). I was lying to my mother and her husband (who I lived with) about going to school. I rode the city bus at the time because I didn’t have my license yet. I’d leave the house and say I was going to the bus stop down the street. Instead, I hid in the woods that separated my neighborhood from my grandfather’s back yard. I worked at his house “after school” every day from 4-6, taking care of his house, doing light cleaning and cooking, helping him adjust to being a double amputee so it worked out nice. Every night I pre-loaded 5 hours of episodes on my computer so I didn’t need the internet and every day I would sit in the cold on a log and put my computer on a slightly bigger log and curl up in my warm coat for a day of Supernatural before heading inside to Pappou’s house at 4. Sometimes, I just waited until the afternoon when I knew my mom would be gone and I could go home where it was warm and I had wifi. Sometimes though I got wrapped up and I just stayed there.. all day. 

Supernatural is, what I would consider, one of the last great american TV shows. Like... It’s right there with Grey’s Anatomy as the last TV shows that have an actual following where people watch it and it’s a thing that haven’t been corrupted by the streaming world. Television is so important to me, it’s my favorite medium of storytelling and it’s been lost. Streaming destroyed it. People say we’re living in a “golden age” because there’s “so much good TV” but there’s NOT! What we have is high production quality on a lot of mini-series and long-format movies that have been randomly split up into “episodes” but don’t make sense if you space them out in any way. The episodic serial format of television has been LOST and that’s heartbreaking... 

But to me... this song... it’s about The Last Great American TV Show, The Last Great American Fandom, The Last Great American Dynasty over my life, my fandom, my relationship with tv, and my world view. 

The line “How did a middle class divorcee do it?” also just... First of all there’s something so distinctly American about it... We all know Supernatural is itself a sort of lover letter to Americana... it’s the aesthetic of Nowhere USA which is part of what makes it so effective and heartbreaking. The line in the song is about how Rebekah was just... boring, average, a little sad. Someone unremarkable you feel a little pity for. That’s the Nowhere USA of the aesthetic of the show... THAT’S the heartbeat of “Americana.” It’s boring, average, unremarkable, a little sad, you kinda pity it, it shouldn’t be that deep, but it is. It’s when the unremarkable accomplishes the remarkable. And that’s the whole myth they fed us as kids, isn’t it? I could never explain the beauty of this line inside or outside the context of Supernatural to someone who isn’t US American so I’ll just stop trying... but it’s just kljasfkd 

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that first stanza in the first verse... When I fell in love with Supernatural, I was boring unremarkable, a little sad... and the show was a wealth of possibilities... but also I was at a point where I was getting over the main fandom I’d had for the past year and a half (Buffy) and I had just fallen in love with Sherlock and I had nothing but time. I wasn’t bogged down with the anxiety of school, I got to devote my whole life and existence to this show. I was also a wealth of possibilities, and as we know the show was also boring, average, unremarkable, and a little sad. Both me and the show were Bill and both me and the show were Rebekah.

So when the wedding between me and the show was charming, if a little gauche it made sense cause there’s only so far new money goes. For me, this represents 2012-Mishapocalpyse: The Golden Age... Look... It’s no secret 2012 was my favorite year of all time... Tumblr was small and fun and hadn’t been corrupted by wanting or trying to be “cool” or “edgy” or “interesting.” I chose the mishapocalypse for the end of this era to me because that was the last time I felt like I could come on tumblr and really just LET GO into insanity. Almost instantly people were shit talking it as if it was not the single most fun 24 hours this website had ever had. In 2013, we saw the rise of YFIP and people trying so hard to “””prove””” they were “”””cool”””” unlike ~those~ tumblr people!!! It was pathetic. But in 2012, we just... had fun. And it was charming, if a little out there. But there really is only so far that the youthful innocence of an online community that’s new goes. 

But I picked out a home on tumblr. And our parties were tasteful if a little loud. Tumblr in 2012/2013 was..... Fun. From mapcrunch to the mishapocalpyse. Some would argue about taste, but I’d say... “if a little loud.” I really just can’t separate the fun I had on tumblr back then from spn and I can’t separate spn from the fun I had back then. 

But then of course, we all need to settle down some times because the fun doesn’t last forever. In this line, I hear myself in both Bill and Rebekah and I hear the show in both Bill and Rebekah. Both of our hearts gave out and the other way to blame. 

So then the chorus... “who knows if she never showed up what could have been?” I CHANGED because of the show, I don’t know who the hell I’d BE without it! And likewise, I don’t think *I* personally changed the actual show, but the show WAS changed by each one of us. The show itself is folklore, changed and shaped in each retelling. There’s a creative freedom to the chorus that lives in that love.

So then there’s the second verse. After the rose colored glasses came off, Rebekah gave up on the Rhode Island set forever and I gave up on the greater spn fandom forever. I dropped the hellers and joined the tight knit Dean stans. This verse is about living in spite. It’s that wild American rebellion mixed with a little bit of sensual romanticism. In season 9, it was us against the world. And the reality is we were angrier than this verse gives and less free and fun... but looking back, it felt like A Time. I don’t know how to put it into words really but it was like... We found ways (and continue to find ways) to celebrate Dean when we weren’t supposed to. Fuck everyone else Dean is perfect. 

And then in the second verse, we celebrate that rebellion. The change from “the maddest woman” to “the most shameless woman” in the chorus is so important here... In the first chorus, Rebekah and I were mad and crazy and wild. In the second chorus, we had no shame. We lived IN SPITE of the state of the world around us and fucked anyone who had anything to say about it. 

In the first chorus, “who knows if she never showed up what could have been” paired with “maddest” has this creative potential. Like who knows who I would have been without spn and who knows what the show would have been without us, the fandom. And in the second chorus, that line changes to this destructive force. Like the show and I were both shameless to just exist, you know? because we would have been better without each other... but even as it acknowledges that, it’s still... sweet.

So then we have the time I left the fandom. Here we only hear bits and pieces of Rebekah’s life and Rebekah’s time in Holiday House. She was only seen “on occasion.” And on occasion, you could find me reblogging some Dean stan posts, getting into spats with Sam stans, posting about how the writers suck, calling out a heller. But 7 years is a long time and my fandom sat quietly in the history of my blog... And then it was picked up by me. 

Rebekah, in the song, refers to my past. My previous relationship with the show. Taylor’s part refers to my current relationship with the show. 

Who knows if I never showed up what could have been? If I never came back, what would my life look like? It would have been healthier, I’m sure. But then again - I needed this. And if the show hadn’t came back who would I be? 

But there goes the loudest non-woman this fandom has ever seen. I will scream from the ROOFTOPS! and what I want to scream is EVERYTHING from the past but with my full grown adult context. I know now more than I knew then that I had a MARVELOUS TIME ~ruining everything~!!! And I get to CELEBRATE THAT! I get to let go and have fun. I get to sit and think of Nov 5 and how that night, I relived those parties that were tasteful if a little loud. And then every day since I relived flying in the Bitch Pack friends from the city. I get to CELBRATE!

I may not have been the fan the show wanted. I may have fucked shit up. I may have lived in spite of this show even when I lived because of it. But damn I had a marvelous FUCKING TIME Ruining. Everything. Everything this show built it wanted me to see and love and appreciate with these toxic fucking relationships and the destruction of Dean Winchester can KISS MY ASS cause I had a MARVELOUS time fucking that shit up. Everything this show wanted from me that I refused to give it. Every SPEC of growth and learning and fun and enjoyment I have had from this show.... was toxic. It ruined it. Because it was not the growth and learning and fun and enjoyment the show WANTED ME TO HAVE. But damn did I have fun. 

The show and I are the last great American dynasty full of rebellion and spite and damn is it fun. 

#tlgad #taylor analysis #putting this in that tag because i mean #folklermore spn finale #personal #i SPENT FOREVER on this #god i'm so glad i got this out #but i don't know if it will make sense to anyone but me #tlgad spn finale

[ask-the-party-god]

Ask The Party God - Timeline

the pre-terezi-gang timeline post is here

height references over here

hi, im jade! everyones favorite party goddess and trans doggy girl~ but you already know that! if youre reading this, it means youre interested in learning more about my reality, because paradox space is fucking weird like that and you cant really be sure all the time

as far as im aware, everything up to the point where we beat the game happened without deviations from the alpha timeline? so this is what rose has talked about as a ‘terminal timeline’, or ‘post-canon’, or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean

we got to earth-c, and i settled in the troll kingdom because trolls are cool, dave and karkat were in the neighborhood, and the caverns are close by so i can visit rose and kanaya speedily as well! i still do have my old tower out on an island, with my workshop and garden, but i almost never sleep in it, too far away and isolated from everyone...

then one day i found this old active server in the furthest ring keeping tumblr active and i thought, hey, why not have some fun? ;D

as for the others...

my darling sis june egbert! she lives in the consort kingdom, but has been thinking about relocating elsewhere lately! she went through a rough patch right after the game, unsure of what to do and full of all sorts of doubts and questions, but shes doing a lot better nowadays! specially now that terezi is back, shes been a lot more peppy and hanging around with the lalondes particularly!

rose rose rose rose~ happily married to her wife kanaya, duh, but that doesnt make her any less of a flirty cutie! a while back she got really sick for a bit, and weve been keeping an eye on her just in case it happened again, but its been all good ever since! she helps kanaya at the caverns a bunch, which makes her schedule busy busy... and you didnt hear this from me, buuuut words out on the street that she and kanaya may be warming to the idea of having a kid! <3 well see how that goes!

one cool dude~ daves a little bit of a shut-in honestly! and honestly i dont blame him? he must be tired after all the timeline and time travel shenanigans, so he spends a good chunk of his time hanging out in his and karkats house! hes kind of awkward about opening up with feelings and stuff, and ive been trying to nudge him to be more open for a while! but with all the craziness thats been going down lately, and more people coming and going and getting together, hes starting to consider things he hadnt before~ hopefully, some specific someones? ;)

janey! my uh... ecto-mom, technically, although we see each other more like cousins than anything else! she still owns crockercorp, but ever since jasprose has been around, she has been spending a lot more time at home and just hanging out with her friends, which really, sounds a lot healthier than the big business thing she had going on a while back! she enjoys teaching me baking stuff, but doesnt have much patience for my decorating skills ;p

grandpa! and grandson technically, hehe, jakes kind of a weird case, hes a mixture of a shut-in, a celebrity and an adventurer! he can spend up to weeks at a time without leaving his manor, but then hell have full weeks of interviews and hiking, and thats not to say anything of when he and dirk put out another episode or two of their dumb comedy talkshow... hes often busy with stuff, but hes still a good pal and can clear his schedule in seconds if we need him for something!

one sweet nb dude! rox really is... something else, really! fun to tag along at a party, fun to chill at home playing games, fun to talk about more serious stuff and open up with him, he really is just solid as they come! hes been hanging out a lot more with june since she got out of her depressive slump, but sometimes i wonder if junebug finds weird to get flirty with roxy, considering im pretty sure we made out in front of her at some point or two... hehehe

dirk! if daves a bit of a shut-in, hes a shut-in times two, which is weird because youd think someone stuck in post-apocalyptic earth for so long would want to hang out more? not to say he DOESNT, though! hes around jake often enough, and keeps close to jane, roxy and dave specially! we dont see each other too often, but we HAVE been messing around with robots and planning out to upgrade our respective self-bots for funsies!

aradia! we only met briefly in dreams for the longest time, but i knew already that she was a riot! she came with terezis group after she finally found vriska, and seems pretty happy just... kind of... being around and watching shenanigans ensue! i actually dont know where she lives, but she drops by occasionally, because im apparently pretty ‘fun’... cant say i disagree ;)

sollux is blind, and not dead, and WILL kick you in the shins if you keep prying about how exactly he ended up like that, which is fair enough! he spends a good chunk of his time with aradia, and im not sure if theyre dating or not...? but hes been around the other trolls a bunch! specially kanaya, apparently theyre good friends that go way back! i guess they both DO style their hair similarly, with the side spike thingies...

the other half of the dave-kat duo! swooooon~ really though, i cant remember the last time i said “dave” or “karkat” without talking about the other shortly after... buuut theyre just roomies, and hell get awkward and grumpy if you even so slightly IMPLY otherwise, despite the fact everyone knows they fall asleep leaning against each other during friday movie night! roooolling my eyes~ with the rest of the living trolls having arrived, hes been a lot more willing to go outside, which im glad for! its healthy to get some fresh air from time to time, and specially hang out with friends!

oh-la-la, miss maryam-lalonde herself! kanayas the matriarch of the caverns, and quite the busy gal, having taken it upon herself to supervise her entire species reproduction and well-being... in my opinion, she needs a good vacation from time to time, and to be less of a workaholic! >:o ive been helping her occasionally in the caverns, and as of late weve begun trying to mess around with ectobiology for some troll-human crossing experiments with... not good results so far... but hey, rome wasnt built in a day!

terezis back, yes! after spending YEARS out there looking for vriska, she managed to find her and come back, the madwoman! personally im not sure why anyone would go to such lengths for... her... but also, its not my bond, not my place to speak, she obviously really loves her a bunch! with vriska no longer lost in the middle of the furthest ring, shes started to catch up with everything going on with earth-c, and i think shes really going to like being around! specially with how much june and the rest have missed her ;)

troublemaker extraordinaire herself! shes... well, shes vriska, im pretty sure she stole that eyepatch from sollux? so you just know she up to no good already >:/ speaking of her eyepatch, im not sure WHY shes wearing it? whatever kinda wound she got, she doesnt like mentioning it, despite bragging about defeating english at every chance she gets! terezi says they found her popping in and out of consciousness in the furthest ring with some messy wounds, and that shed probably been hovering out there after the fight for years... doesnt seem to have humbled her in the slightest <.<

callieeeee! theyre super sweet and wonderful but also really shy and awkward! they live with roxy but manage to outdo dirk in terms of shut-in-ness... they also totally like roxy but is unsure about approaching those feelings considering the whole species thing and whatever, ive been trying to get them to open up for a while now! weve written fanfic together and drawn grids, so i can definitely tell theres some attraction there, even if theyre afraid of acting upon it just yet <3

jaspie is roses bane, and the one cat that made me get used to their smell enough that i dont bark at them instantly anymore! im pretty sure she crashes at janes often, and is just as outgoing and flirty as i am around earth-c parties and bars, which is saying something honestly! i wont let her dethrone me as the party god, though >:)

and finally davepeta! theyre staying with june for the time being until they can get settled around and see what they want to do here! theyve also dropped by dave and karkats a bunch, which i most certainly dont mind! i definitely appreciate some help in bringing a romantic vibe into those twos lives~ ;o

and thats about it! theres also the nannasprites and tavrosprite and arquius, but they pop by so sporadically and rarely that i dont know what theyre doing a majority of the time... we lost track of gamzee after the session so hopefully hes totally gone, and we havent heard any message from caliborn in years... and with the furthest ring broken and the black hole sealed, leaving a weird white empty space right in the middle of reality, im not sure what our chances of bringing back the other trolls are :( but still, we keep living on happily over here and having our fun slice of life ending together!

id say after everything weve gone through, we deserve a big break, dont we? hehehe <3

also, particularly important events that happen and are recorded in this blog will be tagged as timeline shenanigans!

#homestuck #party god #jade harley #timeline shenanigans #june egbert #rose lalonde #dave strider #jane crocker #jake english #roxy lalonde #dirk strider #aradia megido #sollux captor #karkat vantas #kanaya maryam #terezi pyrope #vriska serket #calliope #jasprose #davepeta

[invertedfate]

Random Ask Dump - Anniversary Edition (50+ REALLY OLD ASKS!)

Going through OLD AND CRUSTY ASKS to try and chip away at the inbox. HERE WE GOOOO...

That’s an interesting idea, and I could run it by Cake, but I think it would honestly be a LOT to track from a programming perspective. Especially ‘cause killing Sans is gonna result in a “bad ending,” so to speak.

An attempt was made by Undyne to have all three hang out at the same time. Papyrus was SUPER EAGER. ...but one thing led to another and there were many messy explosions of chemicals and lots of smoke. Alphys had to step in before things got out of hand. It was all very daunting for her. Pap and Undyne are VERY LOUD, VERY AMBITIOUS PEOPLE.

I actually have some ideas of some side comics I may do at some point! :o It’s just that right now there’s a lot going on.

I need to poke Carni about that at some point. He’s just been very busy with other projects!

Clearly he’s standing on the “out to lunch” sign.

I wanna say that it’s very possible in theory. :o It probably affects them differently since monsters’ emotional state affects their magic and their physical state.

I do like little easter eggs like that, though I’m not sure where I’d fit it in atm just ‘cause I already showed Pap’s room, haha.

I made the chase theme for Mad Dummy as well as Mad Mew Mew’s battle theme. @pinewsun​ made the battle theme for Mad Dummy, and @thomasthepencil​ made the Season Dude battle theme and MD’s overworld theme. :o

That’s a really fascinating conundrum! You’re absolutely right- if IF was a standalone game, then from a writing standpoint, having more subtle implications would make sense! The reason I chose a different approach for IF is because it’s set after Flowey’s already known to be evil and I like to give different POVs rather than stick to just Frisk’s.

That’s an interesting thing, actually- both fights lean heavily on the fourth wall. Both are treated as climaxes for their given routes. It’s funny because Asriel’s fight is a lot more straightforward and less meta by comparison.

I agree! The thing with Papyrus is that he’s extremely powerful- he just doesn’t want to kill. But it’s a deliberate choice not to kill- he’s able to force his attacks to do next to no damage. He’s also pretty darn crafty, as he made the Gauntlet himself. It really is just a case of Undyne’s personal biases and concern for him.

That was a deliberate choice. :O Papyrus is very influential toward Frisk. He is best skeleboi.

Papybot loves you, anon! He just wants to feed you WHOLESOME SPAGHETTI!!!

It is possible to whistle through teeth. ...alternatively, magic. As for the music, Undertale implies that the music is heard! Maybe it’s just... a thing that exists in this world. Or it’s just meant to be a silly meta joke. I try to keep it somewhat ambiguous other than occasional nods to it. Chara’s pants are lighter because I just... felt like it, I guess? Haha. I wanted their feet and pants to stand out more from each other, so they have khaki pants. As for the Undyne fight being animated, well, this ask is old by now, but Sparks was the one who was down for it.

Well, the teaser’s been out for a long time now, but that’s the idea! It’s also why this has been in production for so long. The Determinator has some really over the top attacks (that weren’t even shown in the teaser), and Sparks animated in Photoshop. That’s how hardcore he is.

Shhhhh. Don’t give me ideas. I’m already slacking on Tem Village. :P

Sometimes I do have slumps and burnouts (see Antipode’s lengthy hiatus), but breaks lead to me being refreshed and coming back with even more enthusiasm than before!

Oh, there are a lot of these throughout the comic. For instance...

Flowey appears in a few background shots in the Ruins!

When Sans says “or maybe...” he looks at the empty flower pot. This was one of the earliest bits of foreshadowing about who created Flowey, and nobody noticed it at the time!

The MTT vending machines initially look like this but have helpful items.

And then they look like this, with an angry face and pose- Mad Dummy has possessed them!

As of Part 38, it’s been revealed that he did first meet Asgore as “Santa.” As for whether or not he knows the truth, time will tell. :o

Oh, these are excellent suggestions for calls! I’ll try to keep these in mind.

So, I believe Glyde uses the Mysterious Door motif. Jerry uses the motif in its battle theme- I believe it’s a mix of original motif and Wrong Number song?

Sans is a master of power napping. He probably gets a decent amount of sleep, though.

There are a lot of ways to interpret Pap’s lack of sleep! In IF, he can get by without it, but he also has a lot of reasons to avoid sleeping. Some reasons include productivity but also due to a looooot of heavy baggage. More on that later.

I think sleep can definitely make monsters healthier. Rest = better mental health as well as physical health, and with how important mental and emotional help is for monsters, that’s very important!

They just really like socks. Socks are warm. Socks are slinky. And googly eyes are the best. So they took on the form of a really eccentric sock puppet and sock collector. Scandalous.

It also has Alphys’ motif, as the two are the leaders of the royal guard!

I would say the lack of Asgore as an influence has left Undyne slightly less grounded? Like, she had Toriel and Gerson in her life, but her relationship with Toriel is... definitely not quite as close? Like, Toriel by that point kept people at an arm’s length due to losing multiple children (including one from old age). So, while they were on friendly terms until the aftermath of the DT experiments and the tapes’ release, it was more like mutual respect and a sorta professional relationship with Undyne admiring Toriel and wanting to spare her from more heartache.

That is a really interesting idea. While that didn’t happen, I do need to maybe revisit the grumpy dog at some point or another. He’s still a lil’ salty.

I think in terms of layout it won’t change much, but there will be new/different content for sure. :O

Mad Dummy’s base design is mostly original, but she has a wig + headband from DIO from Jojo Part 3! Fun fact: While MTT has Kamina shades, Papyrus’ goggles are loosely based on Simon from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in terms of color. :O

So basically, when Asriel defeated Frisk, he had the power over the timeline to reset it as he pleased- in theory. However, that power was overwhelming for him, and due his lack of understanding OF said power and one last ditch attempt at resisting from Chara, things went wrong.

There is a track that takes some inspiration from Rage Awakened. It’s not released, and it’s not exact, but it won’t be released for a WHILE. Like until the part comes out.

I think it’s just the fact that tacos are so random. Like, my biggest beef in that regard was that OG Underswap had a lot of arbitrary replacements for things in UT and not all of them made sense. Like, if Sans was to make a foreign food, ramen would’ve made more sense due to Alphys being weeb trash, haha.

Okay, so the rough timeline iiiis... Falling: - Cyan - Green - Orange - Blue - Purple - Yellow Dying: - Cyan - Orange - Blue - Purple - Yellow - Green

You know, it’s funny because this ask is super old, but that’s basically sorta what happened. :O It became a beach-themed resort.

Never forget MTT fangirl Temmie’s pool escapades.

I think Forgespring for me because I had to make the tileset myself (it took a few months, I think?), but Aquarius was definitely in the works for a while. But once I had the tileset from Fours, the rooms were very easy to design!

That woulda been pretty rad! Maybe I can find another spot for it one day, haha.

I think for Dohj, I’d have to check with Fours, but I’m certainly not opposed at some point? Right now, the following chars can take questions: - Frisk - Papyrus - Sans - Undyne - Alphys - Napstablook - Mettaton - Asgore - Chara - Flowey

Cyan appears in Part 45! :O No answer about orange for now, tho.

I do have vague ideas for Tem village. I just haven’t had time to go back and do it.

Stay tuned and you may find out! :O

Hmmmm... I had a lot of fun with MTT SPIRAL and the Determinator, tbh. They were both very time consuming, but I love how they came out! Also, buff Jerry.

Turnabout Storm. :)

It’s a really awesome fan crossover that works way better than it should. :P

None taken! We know that with headcanons, everyone is gonna have their own interpretations. These are just the voices we liked for Fireglobe Production, but everyone has their right to their favored interpretations!

Yeah, Knight Knight is one of the coolest CORE mercs in the original game. It was fun to repurpose them for Inverted Fate as royal guards. :o It made room for unique encounters in the CORE in the form of them robots- as Undyne would rather use machines than other monsters to do her work.

Personally, I see it as an Asriel motif, but I also acknowledge that at one point it WAS gonna be an Asgore motif. Toby has a habit of just using whatever music works for a scene (see sans. at the snail farm.)

I do have a few ideas, though I won’t say for what yet. :o

He’s likely made blueprints for that train. :P

It probably would just have different flavor text/progression!

So basically, I treat the starting motif for BAaTH/Power of NEO is just a “true hero” motif.

MTT is definitely major in IF! As for whether or not he’ll have a hangout, time will tell. There’s definitely more to resolve with him, though.

I’m gonna remake at least a few of the older tracks, including Regret. My goal is just to bring the OST to a similar standard of quality.

So, animated parts coming up: Part 47, Part 49, Part 50. There may be some other parts, but we’re gonna wanna scale things back for a little bit for the sake of all our sanities.

I go with both. ;)

Honestly, probably fairly similar to the bully fight in the Ruins- which is why I ultimately decided not to do one. Both fill similar archetypes, though I think if I did do a battle, I woulda still had Flowey interrupt at the end and scare them off.

It’s a very emotional scene. Far more tragic than her geno death, IMO.

Well, the main goal in that regard is the remasters (Part 9 is in progress). Otherwise, I do think these hiatuses are good for working ahead. I’ve still gotta do more work, though, because my buffer this time around is a lot smaller from the trial-hiatus buffer. Alas!

Honestly, the website is the best thing to happen to IF. It’s allowed us to do so much with the comic’s presentation that would be impossible with imgur. NORIX IS THE BEST...

#inverted fate #ask dump #asks #undertale au #behind the scenes #undyne #frisk #papyrus #asgore #sans #alphys #lore #toriel #fallen humans

[xo-lynnea]

My Clearest skin tips

I often get compliments about my skin. I try to take care of my skin as best I can with using simple affordable products. Growing up my mother never wore makeup but she always took extra care of her skin, my mother truly believed that a skin care routine should be nourishing but simple and I have found that to be true.

Keep your hair up!

Keep your hair off and out of your face. Especially if you have curly hair , Us curly haired girls typically have more oils and product in our hair and that can cause irritation while rubbing against your face. Braids are a fun way to switch up your style and messy buns are always cute. You can even opt for a half up and half down style. Anything as long as your hair is off your face.

Clean your phone!

Make sure you clean your phone. We take our phones everywhere which means they are exposed to pollutants and bacteria just as we are. Think about it, phones collect a lot of dirt and germs throughout the day between our dirty hands and fingers, the makeup on our face and the various places we are setting our phones (countertops,table, purses etc.) its easy for germs to collect on the surface of your phone. Make sure to give a quick wipe down every night

Gentle cleansers!

I personally like to use African black soap its something that women in my family have been using for generation’s. My grandmother, Aunts and mothers have all used this product for as long as I can remember and I know why it has. never failed to keep my complexion crystal clear.I found that is gentle to use everyday, twice a day. African Black soap is generally made from locally harvested African plants such as plantain, cocoa pods, palm tree leaves and shea tree bark. The ingredients are sun-dried and roasted, and then Water and oils such as coconut oil, palm oil and/or shea butter. You can get raw organic African Black Soap from amazon. Be aware of fake African black soap, Authentic black soap has a marbled brownish/ black color. It doesn’t have a flat black color. Also the soap might cause tingling or burning sensation but no worries its most likely caused by the soap drawing out impurities and excess oils, and the pH levels of the skin will eventually balance out after a few days. I also recommend The Classic Clean by Noxzema it is gentle and really deep cleaning without over drying , this has also been a staple of mine since I was 14 years old.

Moisturize with shea butter

I Love incorporating Shea Butter in my beauty routine because it is multi-functional. You can use it for your Hair, Nails, body and face. High concentrations of fatty acids and vitamins (A,D,E) make shea butter perfect for softening skin. Shea butter also has anti-inflammatory, Anti-Aging and healing properties. It also acts as a natural sunscreen. Using shea butter can condition, tone, and soothe your skin. You only need a little bit so it last a very long time. I recommend getting raw unrefined organic shea butter off of amazon. It should be yellow in color and have a nutty scent. (The scent fades fairly quickly)

Pure Aloe vera and Tea Tree oil.

I use pure 100% Aloe vera gel every night. Aloe has bee used for thousands of years as a topical ointment. It contains antioxidants, enzymes, Vitamins A and C, and it is highly anti-inflammatory. It can help treat burns, hyperpigmentation, acne and dry skin. It helps with producing collagen which helps cell turn over thus helping maintain the skins structure. Sometimes I can even feel my skin tightening after using aloe vera gel. When I experience break outs I like to use Tea Tree oil. I dilute it with my aloe vera gel and put it on before I go to bed. I never recommend using tea tree oil without diluting it. Especially if you have sensitive skin. Tea tree oil is best for treating acne because of its anti-inflammatory and antimicrobial properties. It calms redness, swelling, and inflammation.

Oatmeal face masks!

I do this once a week. Colloidal Oatmeal is really good for sensitive skin. I use Aveeno’s colloidal oatmeal soothing bath treatment. The oatmeal comes in packages I just a table spoon and a little bit of water and make a paste then I put it on my face and leave it on for 10 minutes. Sometimes - typically during the winter ill put the tiniest amount of coconut oil in the paste. I usually wake up with glowing clear skin.

Less makeup

I know we live in an age where a full face of makeup everyday and everywhere is the new trend and that can really take a toll on your skin. People are surprised when I tell them I never wear foundation - ever even if im dealing with a break out. Letting your skin breath is extremely vital. Our skin is more delicate and sensitive than I think most of us realize , I recommend using thinner layers of CC or BB cream if you feel like you need some sort of foundation. But its not just foundation be aware of excessive contour,blush, highlight and setting powders. Not saying you cant wear it just be mindful of how much you are putting on your face is all. Less is usually more.

Drink water

Hydrate. It doesn’t matter if you think it will clear your skin or not. Keeping your body hydrated will keep your body balanced and remove toxins from your body which will majorly contribute to clearing your skin. The healthier and more balanced you are on the inside the more likely your skin is going to appear more healthy and balanced. It truly starts on the inside. I like to drink a gallon a day but the recommend daily intake is 64 ounces. PS. I Never Drink Soda!

Acceptance.

Everyone has breakouts. Majority of people have acne. Alot more people have textured skin than you think. People deal with eczema. Most people deal with hyper pigmentation. I have to deal with clogged hair follicles from time to time. everyone has something on their face that bothers them! Its okay to have “flaws” sometimes the best skin care tip is to accept your face because its your face and it tells your story and there is nothing - nothing more special in this world than you! Our body’s are constantly changing , adapting and growing and our face is no exception to that. Learning to accept and embrace that you will go through break outs, dark spots, weird bumps and rashes and some times might be worst then other times is the healthiest thing you can do.

[elfyourmother]

⭐️for the “witching soul of music” prompt! Murder Yeti~

the idea of Gisele perceiving a Primal’s aether as music is an artifact from back when I thought Bard was one of her canon Jobs, and even though it isn’t I still like this concept a lot and I kept it because it’s just a really cool and unique manifestation of the Echo and it dovetails nicely with her nature as a heart seer, plus as a nice bonus it squarely fits in the XIV tradition of explaining game elements with actual lore (I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game with so little gameplay/story segregation before and it’s one of the things I fuckin love about XIV)

I also like the idea of Zenos telling on himself without realizing it. it’s not as if he’s terribly complicated anyway, but Gisele correctly perceiving during that fight that she literally makes his soul sing...it’s A Lot. she won’t ever see him the same way after that. before, all she saw was a monster who caused so much pain to so many, and didn’t know what to make of his obsession with her. she truly didn’t think him capable of anything but bloodlust, and that was a hard pill to swallow for a woman who tries to see the humanity in everyone, even her enemies. but then he junctions a damn Primal, and Gisele sees right into his soul and is honestly shocked about what she finds there. he genuinely loves her, the huge fuckin weirdo. and she was NOT expecting that. He’s a cat and she’s the world’s shiniest laser pointer.

I started a follow up to that prompt that probably won’t ever see the light of day, where it’s back in the Menagerie after the fight is over, and it’s a much longer scene than in the game where they’re able to have an expanded conversation. they end up having sex in the flowers and afterwards the scene in the game happens and it ends the same way, he dies

the reason I probably won’t ever finish it or post it is bc for all my clowning about it I high key feel rly conflicted about shipping Gisele and Zenos, it’s like the Gisele/Loghain ship but on steroids and without any of the mitigating factors that would make it legitimately feasible the way I could reconcile the latter. he’s legitimately hurt and caused so much direct pain to ppl she cares about, her friends and lovers—I mean fuck, he killed Hien’s father, and Gisele’s Samurai job crystal belonged to Lord Kaien, Hien gave it to her. Hell her relationship w Hien alone should be a dealbreaker and make it a nonstarter. Even Emet-Selch I ultimately have far less of a problem shipping her with (it helps that he’s not cray and she had ulterior motives w him, if noble). it’s not that I’m averse to messy or complicated ships, they’re extremely fun sometimes, but given Gisele’s nature and her penchant for wanting to save everyone all the time it could dip very uncomfortably into r*ylo territory in a hurry if I’m not careful

a guilty lizard brain attraction she never actually acts upon and is haunted by to the point of having weird recurring dreams about it because her subconscious is plagued with tragic regrets about What Could Have Been is all I can manage without feeling awful about it tbh. it’s not ultimately any healthier for her but I don’t see how this works

#ask bisho #dandelionofthanatos #murder yeti #disclaimer that im not trying to shit on ppl’s shipping #im literally just talking abt my character #otp: wild hunt

[busyasabeeblr]

2020 Quarantine Challenge: Week 1

Mon - Have you made a study schedule to help you study at home?

I have not! I am a list person, so I like to make a list at the beginning of my week with all the due dates, add numbers to indicate an order of importance, and then adjust as I go along. I use GoodNotes for this, since I have committed to going paperless/electronic this semester. My lists look really messy by the end of the week, with scribbles and annotations all over them, but it helps calm the chaos that is my mind!

Tue - How are you being taught your lessons? (google classroom, teams etc.)

My two traditional lectures are being carried out in Blackboard Collaborate. My laboratory is somehow being performed via a text chat that the students must log into in order to get the material... it’s a little pointless, but the lab is supplemental to one of my lectures so I’m mostly concerned about my grade. My one online class has gone mostly uninterrupted, excluding the week the entire school shut down, and it’s mostly reading and self-teaching.

Wed - What’s your favourite study snack?

I like anything that won’t get my hands dirty, because I don’t like getting my devices (and paper, when I was paper-based) messy. I also tend to not go for things that require utensils as that takes away from my studying.

Despite these preferences, I often find myself neglecting to snack during study time because I do get invested in my courses. I ALWAYS have a drink with me, usually a sweet iced tea of sorts, and will nosh on something on my breaks or when I go downstairs to refill my drink.

Thu - How are you keeping active?

My boyfriend and I like to take long walks to the dumpster and mailbox after he comes home from work at night. Besides that, I haven’t been very active I suppose. I take the stairs in my house more frequently than ever now that I’m home so often! I’ve mostly been focusing on eating less portion-wise and healthier foods.

Fri - What is your favourite subject/topic to study at the moment?

I find biology to be the most fulfilling of my classes. I have really been able to see the effects of my study habits this semester and due to that I enjoy it more!

Yesterday I participated in a discussion forum in my religions class (that started this week) and was able to compare defining religion to defining a mental illness. I was really invested in the entire discussion and honestly anticipate loving this class.

Sat - Where in your house is your favourite place to study?

I prefer to study in my room, at my desk. I use my desk almost exclusively for school-related tasks (and the occasional video game, as I keep my laptop there), so my desk is like a little study haven for me!

Sun - What are you doing to relax?

My boyfriend and I had a Frozen marathon on Wednesday! Since then, we’ve watched a Disney movie every night while using our phones, cuddling, or doing our own crafts. I also find our walks soothing. Spending quality time with him makes me feel really good, so I aim to just sit and talk with him for at least 30 minutes without distractions.

I’ve also been picking up a lot of housework, which isn’t exactly relaxing, but soothes my anxiety. I also have been napping when I get tired! I will be returning to video games in the coming weeks, as I fixed my WiFi, ordered a WiiU, and may purchase Animal Crossing for my boyfriend’s Switch!

Aaaaaa I had so much fun reflecting on my week and my habits! Thank you @myhoneststudyblr for coming up with such thought-provoking questions (or at least I took them as such)! I’m not sure if I will do this as a weekly post or occasionally post daily ones with photos attached... tune in next week to find out. 💕

#studyblr #college studyblr #busyasabeeblr #college student #2020 quarantine challenge #2020quarantinechallenge #quarantine #quarantine challenge #quarantinechallenge #coronapocalypse #get to know me

[neuxue]

Wheel of Time liveblogging: The Gathering Storm epilogue

In which the sun comes out

Epilogue: Bathed in Light

Okay, it feels a little weird to have an epilogue after that last chapter, but…sure, let’s see what this is about.

Egwene, apparently. Which is fitting, I suppose; this book has very much been hers and Rand’s, with other characters mostly showing up around the edges. It’s getting the Dragon Reborn and the Amyrlin to their places, and playing their arcs against each other for maximum comparative impact.

She’s in the Amyrlin’s study now, which is more or less a symbol of victory for her. She won her battles, she won her war, and now she takes her place.

Not sure how much useful information you’re really going to get from going through Elaida’s things, but sure.

Meanwhile Romanda and Lelaine are continuing to make nuisances of themselves, but…hate to disappoint you two but the window on that opportunity has most assuredly passed. Get over it.

It was late afternoon, and light peeked through the slits of the louvered shutters to her balcony. She didn’t open them, preferring the quiet dimness.

Should we be concerned about that, Egwene?

No number of wall hangings would banish her memory of those days, not when Silviana herself was Egwene’s Keeper. That was fine. Why would Egwene want to banish those days They contained some of her most satisfying victories.

It’s vaguely similar to but also much healthier than Rand riding away from Far Madding, thinking that the cell—and the box—had been a gift because it allowed him to…forge his soul in the fires of pain. Egwene, instead, focuses on the victories that came out of the pain she endured. It’s not a happy set of memories, perhaps, but they’re memories of strength and perseverance and victory.

Silviana’s put together one of the weirder censuses (censi? What the hell is the plural of ‘census’ and why did I never actually study Latin), with categories for ‘yeeted off the Tower’ and ‘grabbed in the night by fruitbat-dragons’ and ‘Black Ajah so should have been executed but fucked off to live and cause problems another day’. No question on citizenship, it seems, though.

Verin’s list was almost perfect, but over sixty escaped, which…doesn’t detract from the sheer fucking badassery that is Verin Mathwin, but it is something of a Wheel of Time classic: you’ve solved the problem! Only…too late or not quite or in a way that lets circumstance screw you over anyway. Which, honestly, is one of the things I like about the series. There aren’t a lot of convenient solutions that just…work. Things work, and then end up breaking something else. Or things work, but not as widely as one would have hoped. Or things work, but before the results can fully play out, someone else comes along and fucks things up again, or differently.

Verin was incredible and Egwene was incredible and lots of the Black Ajah escaped anyway, because no solution is going to be perfect. Because protagonists aren’t the only characters with agency, with the ability to act. Other characters aren’t just going to wait around for the main characters to put their plans in place; they have their own contingencies and ideas and sometimes everything tangles up worse than a cat in a yarn store, and it’s messy and realistic and fun.

(Especially for the cat).

What had tipped them off? Unfortunately, it had probably something to do with Egwene seizing the Black Ajah in the rebel camp.

…you don’t say.

Something about that entire thing reads as absolutely hilarious to me. Also, is my ebook just weird or is that meant to say ‘probably had something to do with…’?

But yes. Yes, Egwene, it probably had something to do with that. Just maybe. Though that would imply that the Black Ajah has done what no one else in this entire series has managed: communicated quickly and effectively. Credit where it’s due.

Everyone left has sworn all the Oaths again, though, so that….probably covers the majority, though I’m sure one could find a way around that if one were truly determined.

I will find you, Alviarin, Egwene though, tapping the sheet with her finger. I will find you all.

I can tell you this: I would not want to be on Egwene’s shit-list. And I would especially not want to be on Egwene al’Vere’s hit-list.

Egwene’s now turned her attention to the puzzle of ‘which one of you is Mesaana in disguise’ and I swear I had a theory on this at some point but I have actually forgotten who I thought it might be, so uh…well, I had to forget something sometime, right?

I really am curious how she’s managed to hide her strength in the Power, though. I know it’s possible to mask the ability to channel completely, but is it possible to do a partial masking? Make yourself appear weaker than you are? If not…how the hell has no one found Mesaana before now, if she’s disguised as an Aes Sedai? (And how have I never thought about this? I’m just doing terribly on All Things Mesaana, I guess).

Either way, Egwene had a problem.

Maybe I’m just slightly giddy from the fact that I’m almost finished with this book, but again I’m finding this inordinately funny. Problems? Egwene? As Amyrlin in a Tower that’s held together by duct tape and denial? Nah.

I don’t even recognise any of the three names on Egwene’s ‘maybe Mesaana’ list so I doubt it’s any of them.

Was Mesaana still hiding in the Tower? If so, she somehow knew how to defeat the Oath Rod.

That’s…an intriguing possibility. Unless she just conveniently stepped out for the day and she’s just been masquerading as someone so unremarkable no one would notice she’s not there?

A soft knock came at her door. It cracked a moment later. “Mother?” Silviana asked.

That is suspiciously conspicuous timing. Silviana couldn’t be Mesaana….could she? That would be so infuriating but also kind of genius. Huh. *squints at Silviana*

Except Egwene just said Silviana was the first to volunteer to re-swear the Oaths.

But if Mesaana knows a way around the Oath Rod…or, really, she could truthfully say she’s not a member of the Black Ajah, and then remove the Oaths later…yeah okay it falls apart a little the more I think about it but that timing sure as hell is suspicious and it would be kind of excellent. You know, in the worst sort of way.

I don’t think you can just…make a hole in the wall into a rose window…I’m pretty sure architecture doesn’t work like that…ah, fuck it, they have the Power, they can do what they want. Who am I to stand in the way of stained glass?

Silviana wants Egwene to see something, so this is either going to be good or very, very bad.

Oh.

After all this time, the clouds had finally broken.

That’s all.

And yet, it’s everything. The fact that Silviana called the Amyrlin to come see sunlight tells you something about how remarkable it is—and thus, by extension, just how dark the last weeks have been.

Such a small thing, but we saw the reason for it last chapter and…I suppose in its way, even that was a small thing. Just a boy on a mountain, fighting with himself and coming to a conclusion. No fireworks, no battlefields, not even any witnesses.

And yet, everything has changed. Even if none but Rand, alone on Dragonmount, know why. Everything has changed because something as simple—and yet as integral—as his perspective has changed. Because he’s remembered why he fights, remembered that there’s hope, realised what he’s doing this for.

It’s for the world, and so for the first time in a long time, that world gets to be just a little bit brighter.

The sun shone down, radiant, lighting the distant, snowcapped crag. The broken maw and uppermost peak of the blasted mountainside were bathed in light.

It’s just a beautiful, quiet moment. A broken mountain finally bathed in light. Not healed, precisely, but no longer shrouded in darkness.

(Also...is anyone else reminded here of Do not stand at my grave and weep?).

And of course it’s the Amyrlin looking out at it and noticing this change, though she doesn’t yet know why. Egwene and Rand are looking at each other across a distance that is as symbolic as it is literal, though neither of them know it. But this has been their book, and they have in their strange ways mirrored each other through it, and now they can look at the same sunlight, now that the storm has broken for both of them.

They’ve ended on very different kinds of victory, but they have both found a position of…strength, and self-realisation, and readiness for what they must face next.

And in its way this is almost like a quiet, shared moment between them, though they are not in the same place, or even truly aware of one another. But it feels like a…breath, a single beat, in which they both get to pause at the same place.

There was something beautiful about it. The light streaming down in a column, strong and pure. Distant, yet striking. It was like something forgotten, but somehow still familiar, shining forth from a distant memory to bring warmth again.

OH. OKAY. OKAY THIS IS ACTUALLY AMAZING BECAUSE.

Lews Therin, creating Dragonmount in a column of light and Power, too much for any one person to hold and survive, destroying himself and tearing at the world itself. A bright light on Dragonmount as the final moments of the one who would be known afterwards as Kinslayer. A bright light on Dragonmount as the Dragon’s death, and darkest hour.

And now, it is echoed in this Age but inverted, because it’s a second chance. The same, and yet utterly different. A moment of realisation for the Dragon, and a bright light on Dragonmount, but this time the realisation is not one of horror and tragedy but of love and hope and second chances. And the light is not annihilation but sunlight, and life.

That? Is a fantastic parallel and inversion.

Of course it is ‘like something forgotten’. Of course it is ‘somehow still familiar’. Of course it shines forth ‘from a distant memory’. Because that’s what it is, and yet in this Age, it gets to be something different.

(A memory of light, even. Sorry, sorry…)

“Storms will soon come,” it seemed to say. “But for now, I am here.” I am here.

Oh, damn, shivers. Wow. What a line to end on.

Not the chilling horror, this time, of ‘I am the storm’, but the cathartic comfort, at last of ‘I am here’. Shelter from the storm, or a light to guide the world to its end, rather than the tempest itself.

We began with the strange clouds, with ‘What the Storm Means’, with people looking to the sky in fear and dread and strange premonition, as the storm gathered and the sky darkened. And we end now with the clouds breaking, with the sun shining, with ‘Bathed in Light’, and people looking to the sky in awe and hope. Atmospheric imagery as bookends done right.

I wasn’t sure how an epilogue was going to work, after that chapter, but to allow for this to be the ending…it did.

----

At the end of time, When the many become one, the last storm shall gather its angry winds to destroy a land already dying. And at its centre, the bland man shall stand upon his own grave. There he shall see again, and weep for what has been wrought.

I don’t really have a lot to say about this except that it’s absolutely beautiful, and perfect, and just a little bit devastating, but in an oddly hopeful way.

He’s reached this point at last, and he can see again, here at the centre of the storm. He can weep again. And now it is time to face the ending. Now that, at last, he is ready.

Next (TGS final thoughts) Skip to: TOM prologue pt1 Previous (TGS ch 50)

#holy shit I finished the book #Wheel of Time #neuxue liveblogs WoT #The Gathering Storm

[missmentelle]

Hi! Im seeing a guy, and while its early, things are going pretty great. But ive been feeling /very/ paranoid about being hurt again. I dont want it to hold me back, but i also dont know when an appropriate time is to start letting my guard down. Ive seen one possible red flag, and im keeping an eye on it. I know if that shows up again i gotta be out, but are there any “white flags” that are a good signal? Are there any benchmarks besides “the first sleepover/meeting friends” etc? Thanks you!

Congratulations on the new relationship! It can be really difficult to learn to trust someone and let someone in after you’ve been hurt in the past. Communication is going to be key here - you are under no obligation to get over your past traumas right away, and any healthy partner should be respectful of that and be patient with you as the two of you work through your traumas and establish trust together. Honestly, letting your guard down is going to be something that happens very gradually over time. You’re probably not going to notice when it happens; if things go well, you’ll likely wake up one day and realize that you have trusted him for quite a while, and you’re not quite sure when it happened. There is no checklist that will make you automatically trust someone when enough boxes have been checked. “Trust” is less about individual traits, and more about seeing someone be consistent with those traits day after day after day. 

With that said, there are a couple of things that you can look for in the beginning of the relationship that are generally a good sign:

They don’t lie to you. Lying is a problem at any stage in a relationship, and anyone who is willing to lie at the beginning of the relationship is likely to keep lying throughout it. A person who lies in the beginning of a relationship “because they wanted you to like them” or “because they weren’t sure how you’d react to the truth” is going to keep lying to you. A person who is honest with you - even about things that might be hard for you to hear - is a good sign. 

They trust you, and don’t try to control you. It can be hard to trust another person in the beginning of a relationship, but it’s incredibly important that you both do it anyway. A relationship based on a foundation of distrust, suspicion and control is not a relationship that’s going anywhere good. A person who trusts you when you tell them where you’re going and doesn’t get suspicious of your platonic friends or try to control who you speak to is a person who might be worth hanging onto.

You feel comfortable having physical intimacy with them. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex - your relationship doesn’t have to involve sex unless and until you both want it to. But you should be comfortable physically touching your partner - hugs, kisses, caresses, holding hands, pats on the shoulder, whatever the two of you are comfortable with. If you’re recoiling every time the other person touches you in any way, that’s a sign that you might not be ready for a relationship yet, or that something is seriously wrong. 

They take an active interest in getting to know you as a person. A relationship that is primarily based on the other person telling you how hot you are over and over again is probably not going far. In a healthy relationship, you should not feel like a living sex doll or a decoration - your partner should take an active interest in getting to know you as a person, ask questions to learn more about you, and remember things that you tell them. 

They fit into your life. Over time, the two of you should find that you naturally start getting more integrated into each other’s lives - you meet each other’s friends and family, you participate in their hobbies and vice versa, you find new activities that the two of you enjoy doing together. If this isn’t happening, it’s a sign that something isn’t clicking, or that one person isn’t that invested. 

They have control over their emotions - most importantly, their anger. A person who flies off the handle over little things is going to get worse over time, not better. A person who consistently shows you that they can stay calm and collected in stressful situations is much more likely to be a stable, healthy partner who can keep their cool when you hit a rough patch. 

They seem genuinely interested in being with you. You shouldn’t feel like you’re the only one chasing your partner down or putting all the effort into keeping the relationship going. Your partner should be putting roughly as much effort as you are into initiating and sustaining conversation, making plans, and generally keeping the relationship going. 

You feel safe with them. This is a big one. You should feel safe from physical, mental and psychological abuse at all times. And you should never feel like your safety is negotiable, either - you should always feel like you will be safe in the relationship, even if you screw up or make a mistake. 

The relationship is moving at a reasonable pace. You should feel like the relationship is moving at a pace that makes sense; a person who wants to rush you to move in with them and get married two months after meeting is probably too interested, and a person who wants to wait three years before they tell their family about you or invite you over is probably not interested enough. If your friends aren’t raising any eyebrows over how fast things are going, you’re probably doing okay. 

You are both on the same page about what you want from the relationship. If one person is thinking “marriage and kids in the next four years” and the other person is thinking “fool around for a couple of weeks without getting too serious”, the relationship is headed for some serious trouble. If you’re both on the same page about what your relationship is and what you want from it, you have much greater chances of actually getting what you want. 

You are still maintaining your relationships with other people. A relationship that still leaves room for your friends and family in your life is a much healthier relationship than one that doesn’t. Your partner should not be preventing you from seeing your friends and family - either intentionally, or by monopolizing all of your time - and you should still be finding time to see your friends without your partner tagging along.

You are comfortable not being perfect in front of the other person. People aren’t perfect, and life is messy. If you’re planning to be in a relationship with someone for the long haul, they are eventually going to encounter all of your human flaws - bad hair days, pimples, farts, vomit, body odour, and whatever other horrors the human body can conjure. It’s natural for you both to want to look and act your absolute best at the beginning of the relationship, but eventually you should reach a point where you’re comfortable letting your partner see you in a pair of sweatpants without being afraid that they’ll leave you. 

At the same time, though, it’s important to understand that none of these “white flags” are a guarantee that the relationship is going to go well, or that you definitely won’t get hurt again. There’s no way to know that for sure. Relationships are always a risk, and part of loving someone is saying “hey, the fact that this might not work scares the shit out of me, but you are worth it anyway”. People have started becoming more and more aware of possible red flags in relationships, because it makes us feel like we’re in control - we would all love to live in a world where you can fill out a questionnaire or a checklist and know for sure if your partner is going to hurt you or turn abusive. Unfortunately, though, the world doesn’t work like that. A partner who starts out charming and thoughtful can turn neglectful or bitter. A partner who has a bit of a rocky start to the relationship can become the love of your life. Definitely bail out if there are warning signs of abuse, but remember that there is no certainty in this world, and at some point we all just have to take a deep breath and take that risk. 

As far as benchmarks and milestones go, I think it’s best not to spend too much time worrying about it. Every relationship is different, and worrying about whether you’re doing the correct things in the correct order is just added stress you don’t need. “Meeting the parents” is a milestone in some relationships, but some couples know each other’s parents before they even start dating, and some will never meet their partner’s parents for a variety of possible reasons. It doesn’t mean that their relationships are “off track”. Take this relationship one day at a time. Thinking about the future is great, but being consumed by the future will damage the relationship and wear you out. If you’re happy and things seem to be going pretty well, let yourself enjoy it. Have fun with your new guy. Laugh with him. Hold him. Take some time to appreciate how great it is that you have this relationship with this person in the here and now. If things go south in the future, you will cross that bridge when you get to it - but for now, just focus on being happy in the moment. 

Best of luck to you!

[allaboutthebooz]

Wish I Was The One Pt. Two

Summary: Things are starting to look like they are changing for Dean, Sam, and Y/N. Will she finally see what’s been right in front of her? Will Dean realize what he has been doing?

Warnings: Just more angst.

A/N: Alright everyone. Due to the excitement that was shown for the first part, I had the urge to bring you all another part. This second part is being posted so quickly, because of how excited I am. If I happen to get part three typed up as quick as the other parts, it most likely will not be posted until the end of the week. If you haven’t read part one, you can find it here. Enjoy! I hope you all love it!

Y/N woke up to the feeling of the Impala coming to a stop. She sat up from her makeshift bed, in the backseat, and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. As Sam and Dean climbed out of Baby, she gathered her jacket and bookbag. Once both feet were on the cemented ground, she stretched up onto her toes and allowed it to continue through her body with a satisfied groan. Y/N looks around with tired eyes and a small smile on her lips. Nothing felt better, after being on the road for a few weeks, then to see the garage of the Bunker they called home. Well, except maybe a homecooked meal and her own bed.

Hearing the trunk open, she walks around to join the guys. Helping to gather their respective duffle bags full of dirty clothes and weapons that needed a good cleaning. Following Dean to the door, with Sam close behind. “Home sweet home, boys.” Y/N says, “I vote that we don’t take another case for a while. I love Baby, but I can’t be stuck in the backseat looking at the back of your heads anymore.”

Sam huffs a laugh. “At least, you have plenty of room to stretch out, try sitting up front and trying to sleep.”

“No one told you to be eleven feet tall, Sam. It’s not my fault that Chuck graced me with my average height.” She says, walking past them and into her room.

“Says the girl, who can’t reach the top shelf without climbing onto the counters!” Dean calls after her, receiving a classy middle finger in response.

“You do know it’s her turn to cook tonight. She’s going to spit in your food.” Sam tells him, laughing as he sees the look of disbelief grow on his brother’s face.

“She wouldn’t.” Deans says looking over at Sam. Only getting the raised eyebrows and slight turn of the head. “Would she?” He asks, beginning to panic. “She wouldn’t do that, Sam…Yeah she would. Son of a bitch.”

Sam just laughs as he heads to his own room. Passing Y/n’s room on the way, he sees her unpacking all her clothes and tossing them into her laundry basket, while humming a song she’s heard a million times. Looking down at his feet and smiling slightly, he continued to his room next door.

~~

Ingredients spread across the counter tops in the kitchen, Y/N’s ‘Guilty Pleasures’ playlist coming through the Bluetooth speakers, and her bare feet moving around the cold kitchen floor as she cooked were a sight any man could get used to. In fact, two already have. They can’t remember when the Bunker became so full of life, but they were happy that it did. They might not remember when it became this way, but they remember when it was cold and quiet. Just the two of them, with the occasional angel in a trench coat popping in.

Y/N made life a little easier for boys. She always made sure they ate, had clean clothes, and have gotten a few hours of sleep. They never asked for it to be that way, it was just how it was having a woman living with them. Y/N liked taking care of them. She liked knowing that they were okay, that they had everything they needed. Doing their laundry, because she knew that Dean would wear the same thing every day if he was given the chance. They used to eat A LOT of take out before she moved in. Now if they are home, she makes sure every meal is eaten at home and it’s freshly made. Dean grumbled a bit, but once he realized how much better a homemade burger with bacon tasted, he never complained again. Sam, who always tried to eat a little healthier when they were out, was happy to cut back on going out for food when they wanted to eat. Now his diet was less restricted to grilled chicken and lettuce.

Dean and Sam were in the War Room on their respective laptops, when they heard her bare feet moving towards them. Dean was the first to look up. Seeing her walk into the room, eyes on the ground, wearing her favorite band shirt-that was so worn, it was getting a little holey, and a pair of black jeans that were rolled up past her ankles. Her hair, aside from her bangs, pulled out of her face in two messy buns on top of her head. He almost gets up to meet her half way to pull her to him and he’s reminded that he can’t. He’s the one who ended things with her. He’s the one who ‘wanted to move on and expand his horizons with others.’ Dumbass. Looking at her now, he’s hating himself.

As she moves her head up, he quickly looks back at his computer screen. Pretending like he hadn’t been watching her. “Dinner’s almost ready.” She says, pulling out a chair and settling herself next to Sam, who finally turns his attention to her.

“Should Dean be worried?” Sam asks while sending an amused look his brother’s way.

“Not tonight. I didn’t feel like making two separate dishes.” Y/N responds while joining in on the teasing. All Dean does in return is make a mocking face, causing the other two to laugh.

She leans towards Sam to see what he was working. “Please don’t tell me you found another case. We just got home. There is already a ton of laundry to do.” Y/N groans while resting her chin on his shoulder. Allowing Sam to get a better smell of her sweet perfume.

Clearing his throat, he says, “No this one isn’t for us. It’s for Garth. He’s closer to it than we are, so he’s taking care of it. He just asked if I could help with the research.” Shifting his gaze to the side, he can see how close she is. All he can think is how easy it would be to place a soft kiss on the apple of her cheek.

“Good ol’ Garth. Do you need some help?” She asks, turning her face slightly to look at Sam. Feeling her stomach flip a little, when she catches sight of his hazel eyes. “No, I’ve got it. Thanks though.” He replies, lips curling up a tiny bit. She pulls away from his shoulder and stands up.

“Awesome. Let me know if you change your mind.” Y/N says as she quickly turns and heads back to the kitchen. ‘Note to self: stop it! You shouldn’t be feeling this way. You still have feelings for Dean! Dammit.’ While she’s chastising herself, she doesn’t feel the same eyes she was just staring into following her with the usual look of longing in them, before shifting his attention back to the screen in front of him. Sam doesn’t realize that Dean is looking at him. Having watched the entire exchange and Y/N’s hasty exit.

A thousand questions are running through Dean’s mind. Like why hasn’t he noticed that look before? Why did that exchange between his brother and his ex, look more intimate than it should have? Has Sam always felt that way? Does Y/N feel the same? Are the two of them together? What the hell is going on?

As each question passes through his mind, Dean can’t help but to get a little angry and jealous. Had Y/N really moved on already? Not like he was one to talk, with the parade of women that he’s been waving in front of her. He winces internally. He has been acting like a douche, but that shouldn’t matter. Could she really move on with his own brother? Could he blame her though? While he was off with whoever, the two of them have been sharing rooms on the road and spending more time together. It would make sense that Sam would be cleaning up the mess Dean made of Y/N’s emotions. Emotions she kept hidden from them both, but Sam could see.

“Dinner!” They hear Y/N call from the kitchen. Dean sits a little bit longer, watching Sam close his laptop and heading into the kitchen. When Sam’s cleared the doorway, Dean closes his laptop and rubs a hand over his face. ‘Perfect.’ He thinks as he stands up and heads into the kitchen, where he hears laughter. He stops in the doorway, to find Y/N standing on the counter and Sam holding her steady by her hips, as she grabs the plates from the top shelf.

“We have got to move these down. It’s not fair!” Y/N says while laughing and handing the plates to Sam, who places them on the counter beside her feet and helps her down.

“But it’s so fun watching you climb up there. You’re cute when you try to be independent.” Sam says, stepping away to grab a couple plates, handing one to her, before moving to gather food onto his plate.

Neither have noticed Dean. He sees the blush creep into Y/N cheeks. “Yeah, but one day I’m gonna get hurt, Sam. You’re not always going to be there to catch me in case I fall.”

Sam moves from the food, to let her get some. Standing off to the side of her, watching her for a moment. An intense look in his eyes, “I’ll always catch you.” That causes Y/N to look at him.

Neither of them see Dean turn and head to his room.

#sam x reader #dean x reader #sam winchester #dean winchester #supernatural #supernatural reader insert #sam winchester reader insert #dean winchester reader insert