#i wish everything about Christian life was easier. talking to God like an actual dad not a king who cant wait to decapitate you

[mzenvs3000]

So does this make me an interpreter now?

If I am honest, I feel I have had a love hate relationship with this course over this semester. Coming from a more scientific background, I have found it slightly difficult to find the motivation to write and put together “my thoughts” on the topics we discuss in class. I am so used to having explicit facts and having to write about those from a scientific approach, so trying to put together a post about my thoughts with such freedom has been a challenge. I have appreciated though throughout the semester how writing got a bit easier, and that we were able to talk on subjects that were interesting to us. I will definitely be taking some skills away from my time in this course.

One of many photos taken of water and rocks (Lake Ontario) as it is another huge love of mine. Photo taken by myself.

Like many who are taking part in this class have a love for nature, and are probably coming from a major with some type of nature encompassed in it. This is true in my case, as I am a wildlife biology and conservation student. Wildlife biology and conservation is just one side of my love for nature. Others include marine studies, geology, and  geography/landforms. This would open up so many doors in the nature interpretation field for me. I also have passion for the care and protection of animals, species at risk, climate change, plastic pollution, and how humans interact with nature in their everyday lives, similar to Jacob Rodenburg who wrote the article, “Why Environmental Educators Shouldn’t Give up Hope.”

A shell fossil found in a rock at the Elora Gorge while on a field trip with my geography class in third year. We were trying to interpret the history of the area, guessing it was a marine environment from all of the marine fossils found in the rocks. Photo taken by myself. 

As an interpreter, I feel there is a certain responsibility I have when working with an audience. The first responsibility being the need to deliver creditable information that your audience can trust. This struck me as important when we were learning about nature interpretation in history. This is something I always seek out when learning about different things because I want to make sure what I’m learning is true and has some merit behind it.

I took my Alberta friend on a Hamilton waterfall tour as she did not believe me when I told her Hamilton was the waterfall capital of the world. An example of one of my first “interpretation tours.” (She was impressed). Photo taken by Jenna Stetz.

Another important responsibility is for the interpreter to put their own spin on their presentation and make it personal. I have lost count of the number of presentations I’ve had to listen to when someone is just reading off of a slide or a card. I don’t know about you, but I feel like when I hear these kinds of presentations, the presenter doesn’t really care too much and doesn’t seem to care if their audience gets a good experience or not. I always learn better and pay attention the most if someone shares a personal story that relates to the content. An example of this was recently I was in a course that was preparing me to apply to be a fire ranger this summer. I could instantly tell that my instructor was passionate about his job as a fire ranger with the number of stories he would tell. One story was to emphasize the importance of safety. He told the story about him and two other crew members messing around while chopping down some small trees to kill time, and they made a competition around it. His crew leader decided to take part and wasn’t paying attention and ended up getting an axe in his shin. He made this boring 2 hour long safety module more interesting and engaging by telling this story. When putting your own spin on it, it allows the audience to engage much more, as well as being relatable.

One last responsibility I feel is of importance is that as interpreters we have almost like a duty to pass on knowledge of certain things, not allowing them to be forgotten about. I take great pride in this, knowing that I might have an influence on the future “me’s” one day to share this information with others. We have to remember we are not just passing on knowledge of the environment and nature, but also cultural beliefs and practices too. I mentioned in a previous post about how it is important to learn from the past, and we cannot do this unless we actually know what happened in the past. I personally love just even sharing my scientific and nature knowledge with my friends and family who do not have this as a background, and take pride in the fact that I am able to help educate them on this subject.

Photo of my mom and I at the cottage, as she is making sure I was exposed to the outdoors as early as possible. Photo taken by my dad, Dave Zarnke.

An approach that I would make sure to include in my interpretation is to be able to share with a diverse audience. This would include different age categories, different cultural backgrounds, different knowledge backgrounds and understanding on the subject, as well as learning styles that people possess. This is important to consider because knowing these different factors would affect how you would conduct the presentation to make it the most effective. With different ages there is a different level of understanding so when I would present something to a younger audience, I would make sure to use lots of examples and simple terms they could easily understand, compared to an older audience where I could potentially use more complex terms and concepts. Knowing the cultural and knowledge backgrounds may also determine the content you wish to speak on and the approach you take.

Personally I am a visual and tactile learner, and find it easiest to teach and interpret in this way. During an interpretation I would probably include many visual aids such as photos, videos, and live models to share with the audience. I would encourage the audience to take part in demonstrations and actively participate throughout the presentation. I have also found that through my school life I learn best when examples are given, or thought provoking questions are asked. When information is presented in this way it helps me to compare an example to real life and make those connections, and the thought provoking questions challenge me to take time to digest and organize all that I have learned to put it all together.

Something I think that may set me a part from many interpreters is what I believe and my faith. I am a christian (and like to think of myself as a christian scientist) which can be quite difficult at some times trying to study my major in a secular setting due to different beliefs. The main one would be how the world was created. I believe that there is one true God who created this world, everything in it, and the species we see today are the same and looked the same when the world was created 6000 years ago. This belief and faith of mine plays a huge role in my life, influencing most and if not all of my decisions, so it would be important to me to include this in my interpretations. I would not share or teach others something that I don’t believe in. This would probably lead to me interpreting to a different audience or have a different approach in my interpretations as these beliefs are not the same as what secular science believes and teaches, as well as most organizations. If this were to be a career of mine I would have to work for an organization whose beliefs are the same.

Photo of the Oakville waterfront taken from a walk with friends one afternoon after church. Photo taken by myself. 

I believe that as an interpreter, I would ensure to create programs specifically directed towards kids because I have experienced the benefits of taking part in these programs personally. We have learned a bit about how technology is a double edged sword. On one hand, it can be a great tool for nature interpretation, playing sounds, videos, or even in our case currently creating podcasts we can share over the internet. The downfall is that they are also causing people and especially kids to be very disconnected these days. I have lost count the number of times I will see kids with their parents just out and about, completely ignoring their parents just fully consumed in what is on their screen, and these kids are as young as even four years old. I didn’t know what a computer was til I was way older than that, and never received one myself until even later. I think it is so important to raise awareness of these environmental issues to kids and get them involved so they gain interest early in life and can be a part of the solution for their generation.

Before this course I really never pictured myself ever leading an interpretation or even writing about nature as I am more of a research oriented person and not so much as a writer. Taking the time I have to write this post and reflect on what this could look like for me really opened my eyes and allowed me to picture myself actually do this. I reflected back to many memories when I was growing up and took part in nature interpretations as a kid (and honestly never made the connection that I was taking part in an interpretation), just emphasizing one of my points about the importance of getting kids involved. I think nature interpretation can be for anyone to take part in, either leading or listening as we all see things differently with a different lens. This has been a great opportunity and I will definitely be taking these skills I’ve learned with me as I continue in my own nature interpretation.

[rockets-and-raccoons]

My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.

I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.

My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).

I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.

I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.

She's gay.

I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'

I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.

Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.

And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.

It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.

I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.

I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.

I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.

And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.

My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.

My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.

When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.

It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.

And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.

I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.

I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.

I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.

But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.

I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.

Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.

That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.

And I am so, so proud of her.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.

But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.

I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.

My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.

#this is a shitty rant #i dont know where my head is tonight #i guess im just depressed #and wanting hugs #and its that stupid anniversary coming up #so i guess im hating myself a little more #my sister just recame out last week #so maybe that also is playing a part #im so proud of her #i love her #ignore #long post

[night-dragon937]

I need to share my experience from a few hours ago (writing this at 2 am aug 24 2020) yesterday but first I'm going to slap a huge tw: abuse, Christianity/gay stuff, anxiety attacks, and yelling/screaming, transphobia/homophobia, self harm/cutting and a lot of cussing/swearing onto this. Like this is deeply religious and I'd rather not have discourse on my beliefs.

That should cover it...

Okay so it started out fine, my mom and i were just talking. She was drunk, and attempting to convince me that my asexuality meant that i was straight... But since she was drunk, I'mma give her that. There was a lot of aphobia but that's not what this is about She started telling me about her experience, and best i can describe it, she's a closeted demisexual biromantic lady with a preference for girls and a shit ton of internalized homophobia ("being sexually attracted to women's bodies more than men's doesn't make me lesbian, I'm still straight")

It was a mostly civil conversation, but it was adding onto my bad feelings from my dad the past several weeks making snide hurtful remarks about our religion and my sexuality and gender. Also using the f-slur against me when i had explained to him in the past how badly that word hurts me, to which he apologized profusely and said he'd never have used that word if he knew how it affected me. Obviously a lie, because he's still using it with full knowledge of the effects.

Back to my mom. She started getting into the religious side of it, but we managed to keep it civil, until the very end when she said she'd be praying for me and i said I'd be praying to help figure out who exactly i am, and she remarked "make sure you're praying to the right person" with a really threatening tone to her voice. At that point, i lost it, let her know that her saying that made me want to go back to cutting (in case she wasn't aware) and said that i needed a moment alone (or something along those lines, i was thrown head first into an anxiety attack and can't quite remember very well).

I ran upstairs as she tried to grab me and pull me back, but i managed to make it to my room. I went into a fetal position, because safe, but she came in and all i remember is her screaming repeating some question, i think, at me, me not being able to breathe, her hands squeezing my wrists way too tight, my wrist pinned to the carpet with her knee, the other with her hand as she tried to grab my jaw and force me to look at her.

Her touching me made the attack worse (hours later i still have marks and scratches) and i couldn't talk, think, or breathe. Somehow i was able to choke out repeated pleas for her to stop touching me because it was making everything worse. I don't know how long that lasted. But at some point she stopped grabbing me and just placed her hands on me and started praying in tongues. Like i was fucking demon possessed. Because i had an anxiety attack. Which my parents have been triggering in me for as long as i can remember.

I managed to sit up and get her to stop touching me, but she refused to be less than a foot away from me, even though i was going through a sensory overload and needed personal space. She finally trapped me into a corner of my room and put her arms on either side of me, one of them holding the door closed. She was screaming in my face and i was yelling over her, asking her to give me personal space and stop being so loud so that i could calm down, which she refused. I ended up very trapped and very uncomfortable and doing my best to not have another anxiety attack while replying to the most outlandish of her accusations, but mostly keeping my mouth shut in an attempt to get her to do the same.

She kept using my deadname, like usual, but it was worse for me for some reason at this point. I mentioned that and got yelled at more. I mentioned her pinning my wrists to the ground and got called a liar and she tried to make it so that i couldn't leave and grab a Kleenex until i admitted she was right and that i pinned myself to the ground (???). So i just started describing what i remembered until she got sick of it and let me go wipe my nose. She must have closed my door when she first came in. My dad (stepdad) was standing outside the door, eavesdropping, apparently.

I got a Kleenex but then my mom started yelling at me again, but i mostly just pretended to listen because i didn't want to have another anxiety attack. My dad started piping in and making me feel so much worse. He ended with saying "you're not a Christian. You don't believe in God. Even the devil believes in God." (Implying that I'm worse than the devil). At which point i started breaking down crying. And then i ran outside to have another anxiety attack but this time my mom just stood on the porch because the grass was wet and she was barefoot, but i curled up under the stars for who knows how long as i forced myself to do breathing techniques, and stim by rubbing the wet grass, which really helped ground me.

I went back inside when i was feeling better and got a drink of water and a Kleenex. And they started telling me how much they loved me and that i might not see it, but they were doing this out of love, because they were concerned for my eternity. I kept pointing out things they were doing that hurt me and better ways to do it (constructive criticism, so they know what's bad for me) and they repeatedly told me how much worse they could make it for me and that i should be glad they didn't make it worse. I pointed out that this didn't make their actions better and they said "doesn't make them wrong, either." Which ????? Victim blaming, abuse, what?

I brought up the times I've cried out to God for answers and the few times He's responded, (refusing my request for Him to kill me, telling me I'm not going to Hell for being gay/queer) bc they kept bringing up a few dubiously translated verses of the Bible and they told me that i was listening to the wrong person. That i was worshipping the wrong one. They heavily implied that i pray and worship the devil (disclaimer: i don't judge those who do, that's your life, I'm not gonna try and decide it for you, also i can admit that the church of Satan makes valid points and treats people right, from what I've seen, this is just a huge insult for them to throw at me specifically because of what I've been taught my whole life). Also invalidating my whole experience just because they don't like it.

They keep bringing up me being involved in the community (following queer people on social media, having one queer shirt, going to gsa-which they told me I'm not allowed to be a part of anymore-, having queer friends) as me seeking validation and attention, and that i shouldn't need validation and it shouldn't be about validation if I really think that this is who i am. Aka, because i am human and seek human things, i must be a total fake and fraud about all I've told them (very little). Meanwhile they do the exact same thing with their friends and social media and each other and everything.

My dad kept piping up with totally unrelated, totally unhelpful comments and tangents while my mom recited the same 5 min spiel for at least half an hour. My dad was saying how my grandparents aren't actually Christians because they agree with me that the world isn't black and white and there are some shades of gray, and because they believe once saved, always saved. That there is nothing you can do, as an imperfect human, to remove yourself from the infinite and unconscious love of God. (... I can't believe he fucking believes that humans have the ability to overrule God because it makes it easier for him to blame and condemn people he sees...)

These are the grandparents who have loved me regardless of my sexuality and gender, even tho they don't agree, and made me feel loved and gave me a place to go when i need to escape from my parents. They're the reason I'm keeping my mom's maiden name (since it hasn't been legally changed) because it's their last name, and it's them i want to honor, not my abusive shitty hateful stepdad. Unfortunately they are moving into assisted living because my papa is in a wheelchair, so i can't move in with them.

He ended that tangent with repeatedly telling me that i was not saved. That i was not a Christian. That i didn't believe in God. And that i was going to Hell. Repeatedly.

My mom made me hug her and made me tell her i love her. I ended up exercising to stop myself from becoming suicidal. I don't know if I'll tell anyone irl apart from the one irl friend i have on here. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell my therapist or not. I reached out to two of my christian friends after everything but they were both asleep. I needed to write this all down and put it somewhere public, just to be safe. I'm not safe in my own home and i can't move out because I'm a. Under 18 and b. Broke as hell

There was a lot more that happened, this lasted several hours, but i honestly can't remember all of the details besides what i typed out. Anyway so yeah i kinda wish i were dead but i also wanna stay alive for spite and show them that i can be a fabulous queer Christian and that the world is colorful, and you can't reduce that to monochrome and expect to have an even partially accurate view of the world. I want to help others like me, and help them feel better about myself.

I'm setting this as a queue so that if my parents take my phone away, they can't stop me from posting it (they have no clue how to look at queued posts) and also so that i can go to bed now and look at it again later and edit it

#tw abuse mention #blog post #tw yelling #tw transphobes #tw homophobes #tw cussing #tw cursing #tw swearing #tw anxiety attacks #tw christianity #tw self harm #tw cutting #rant tw #tw rant #long post

[tardigraded20]

Witchy Questions

1. Are you solitary or in a coven? -solitary, you think i have time for humans? 2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other? -Idk someone who said fuck other religions and said revive the old gods 3. What is your zodiac sign? -Gemini 4. Do you have a Patron God/dess? -I don’t, but I am open to it 5. Do you work with a Pantheon? -No, but I am looking into the norse pantheon  6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or any other kind of divination? -tarot and rune stones 7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any) -bergamont and I use incense 8. How would you define your craft? -idk i diy religion  9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do? -No, i haven't tried but I would if i was motivated for it 10. How long have you been practicing? -5 years? I guess? I don’t count 11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars? -lmao i wish 12. Do you believe in Karma or Reincarnation? -Karma yes, I am not sure about reincarnation 13. Do you have a magical name? -how do you find that? 14. Are you “out of the broom closet”? -Yeah, but im not sure how much my dad thinks im serious   15. What was the last spell you performed? -A positivity jar  16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable? -about mythology yes but actual witchcraft? Kinda.  17. Do you write your own spells? -im not that original lol  18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up? -I do but its kinda just a book i occasionally write in  19. Do you worship nature? -somewhat, but its not a focus  20. What is your favorite gemstone? -umbalite and labradorite 21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work? -feathers and naturally fell from a bird  22. Do you have an altar? -yes 23. What is your preferred element? -fire 24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist? -no 25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch? -idk  26. What got you interested in witchcraft? -lmao percy jackson 27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch? -no 28. Have you ever used Ouija? -Yup, at school in the hallway  29. Do you consider yourself a psychic? -pfft no 30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it? -no, but I am looking into it 31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started? -Not everything is black and white, you can do your own thing 32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite? -Yeah, although mildly. My favorite is Samhain 33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children? -yes but i would never force it on them 34. Do you meditate? -I try too but not often    35. What is your favorite season? -autumn 36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform? -Nature based magic 37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life? -Appreciate nature  38. What is your favorite witchy movie? -Kiki's Delivery Service 39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why? -The Raven Boys because it is fucking amazing 40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not. -some shitty rain spell from a childs book 41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you? -when i was in Senior Kindergarten I saw a “fairy” 42. What is your favorite type of candle to use? -beesewax 43. What is your favorite witchy tool? -candles 44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools? -I use a rock to grind shit because i dont have a pestle and mortar  45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fae or spirits? -I want to try working with fae but I need to learn more 46. Do you practice color magic? -yes, a bit 47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind? -No, I think? I have older online witchy people I talk to but no mentor 48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies? -In person, but somethings you can only get online 49. Do you believe in predestination or fate? -I guess? I think that life has a story that gives you options and a new story starts on what you choose, kinda like an RPG 50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice? -Read into it and appreciate it more 51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences? -yes, at my grandmas funeral     52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve? -”I CAn PrAcTiCe CLoSEd ReligIoNs If i aM rEsPeCtFul” 53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent? -bergamont    54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind? -no but I should 55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster? -spilling wax on myself    56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success? -not burning the house down    57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about? -chanting shit in my room    58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too? -yup    59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work? -of course, its dealing with things that dont have 100% safety measures    60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain? -lmao I one day want to be a teacher but I never feel knowledgeable enough for that     61. What is something witch related that you want right now? -my own pestle and mortar    62. What is your rune of choice? - Hagalaz   63. What is your tarot card of choice? -the empress    64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite? -Lemongrass 65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses? -no   66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public? -Yup, I have a cheap ass pentagram necklace    67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch? 68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines? -no because I am poor and where would I find one?    69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft? -yes 70. What are your favorite things about being a witch? -those scared looks that karens give you, even though you are eating cupcakes and smiling    71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch? -the amount of people who keep on trying to make you christian      72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band? -heatherdale    73. Do you celebrate the sabbats? If so, how? -yes, by lighting candles and making tea 74. Do you ever work skyclad? -I want to be but nooo 75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how? -makes me happier 76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice? -other witches and what makes me happy 77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc) -The fae yes, but like celtic like ones 78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol? -I have none    79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not? -No, because I am not ready for it   80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice? -Hahahaha no, if you dont respect my religion I dont have time for you    81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow? -meditation and divination     82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice? -beesewax 83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it? -have a bath 84. What real life witch most inspires your practice? @spellchased 85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity? -meditation and a yes-no pendulum 86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients? -in jars and by aesthetics    87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of? -my mom is interested in druidry but doesn't call herself one    88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it? -I dont know? I just did what felt right.    89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they? -No    90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven? -with closed practices you need to be initiated, but with open religions thats not the case 91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought? -incense tray and incense    92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been? -The Hagia Sophia in Istanbul     93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities? -Read. Just read a lot.    94. What techniques do you use to 'get in the zone’ for meditation? -Silence and deep breathing 95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it? -I need to practice it     96. Do you prefer day or night? Why? -night because i dont sleep 97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work? -My best time is the full moon at midnight  98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly? -It was okay, nothing special     99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice? -old practices become easy, but you learn more complicated things 100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces? 101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy? -I eat cheese, eggs and fish 102. What is your favorite color and why?  -purple, blue and yellow because its pretty 103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond? -why dont you respect Jesus? Because he did nothing for me Susan.  104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest? -sight 105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice? -Karma, I keep on doing shitty things 

@prettyalice13

#witchcraft #questions #pagan #paganism #wicca #105 questions #answers #religon #spiritual

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

#Anonymous #Vent #Ask #Abuse tw #Abuse #Abusive parents #Emotional abuse #Long post #Threats #Guilt tripping #guilt tripping tw #Threats tw #therapy mention #christianity mention #neglect mention #(I'm nonbinary btw but it's not like my grandfather knows or would care 🙃)

[ninequestions9]

Ureem, 25, Actuary

What is the biggest frustration you’re facing now?

I think it would be just to balance everything in life because in life you’ve got so many priorities. You’ve got work, you’ve got your family, church, God, and making sure you’re being satisfied there. Essentially you’re learning, you’re continuously finding answers to your questions. At work, I wouldn’t say it’s frustrating. I would say it’s a bit more challenging. I was talking about this with my godmother, she lives in England. A couple of days ago she wished me happy birthday so I just responded to her with a rant. She lives in the town of Lincoln and she’s a missionary. She became my godmother because she was very good friends with my mom in Pakistan while she was visiting so my mom wanted her to be my godmother.

    Anyhow, so she and I were talking about how life as a Christian in a corporate world can be challenging because everyone keeps saying you have to climb this imaginary ladder and the only way to get anywhere is climbing up. God forbid you take a step down. Then everyone has their own secular based opinion on what kind of projects you want to get on, networking, even if you don’t like talking to people, you’re supposed to be this version of yourself. That’s been the most challenging part. Being in an environment where people are focused on career rather than viewing career from a very spiritual level. I think the one thing I concluded in the conversation with my godmother was that after much going back and forth with my own self, side lining my ego, and just saying to myself “It’s ok if I don’t get on the most career benefitting project.” And it’s ok if I don’t love what I do. One thing when I was in college, everyone said if you love what you do you’ll never work a day. I was like “Ok, great, that’s fine.” Unfortunately, with what I love to do, you can’t always put food on the table. So there’s always that inherent responsibility. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if you love what you do, as long as you mildly enjoy it. I guess I’m there. But it matters that you love who you do it for and to me that’s God. So if I love God, whatever I do, I do it for him. Coming to that conclusion has definitely been the most challenging part and finding those answers is frustrating. We’re now at the back end of it all, but yeah that was definitely the most challenging and frustrating part of this past year.

2. What trait do you wish you most had?

Patience. I feel like at times I act on impulse before praying about things; that’s not my go-to thing. I think I act on impulse and I feel like certain things can be avoided if I had prayed about it or was a bit more cognizant of it. Definitely patience. Definitely a bit more time to think about things, to think about steps, decisions. I’ve definitely learned from my mistakes. There are definitely things I’m a bit more cognizant about when I take my time to think about them. And to be fair, I think that acting on impulse is a kind of general theme around our generation. As much as I’d like to distance myself from people my own age, unfortunately, I tend to make the same mistakes. Some people will say that’s youth, but I try to find ways not to use that excuse. Just be a bit more wise or ask God to grant me wisdom. If Solomon can do it, why can’t I?

3. What are 3 characteristics you look for in a friend?

Loyalty and honesty. They kind of go hand in hand. Just loyalty in general is one of the first things I look for. The second thing…it’s important, but it’s not that important; It helps bridge the gap a lot easier, coming from different cultural backgrounds, but having a similar world view. If it’s faith based, that’s good, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. It just has to be a bit more rational in leaving space for question. I think that’s a good foundation for a good friendship. Lastly, probably a good sense of humor. A good sense of humor is kind of subjective. I was with a friend and he was showing me certain memes and I didn’t really find them funny, but I snickered, just to be nice. But I guess that’s why it’s important to have a similar world view because the jokes that he was sharing with me stem from a very different world view. So that’s why we didn’t really click on the sense of humor as a consequence of not having a similar world view.

4. What makes you feel brave?

I was reading something by Winston Churchill once and he said something like if you do have enemies, it’s a good thing because it means you’ve stood up for something in your life. Not sure how much I level with that, but it’s a good starting point. What makes me feel brave is if I do something that I know I’m not Biblically incoherent or outside of God’s will. If I’m standing for something that is Biblically coherent and within God’s will, then I know I have nothing to fear. If you think about it, people like Abraham, like Joseph, they were asked to do some really incredible things. Joseph was asked to take his wife and his child to Egypt and, overnight, he was asked to take a pregnant woman, who might have been stoned to death for adultery. Abraham was asked to pack up and leave home and go to Egypt. But there was this sense of bravery in them mainly because they knew it was God’s will. I’m not going to bring up the argument of Biblical coherency, but for them it was that God asked them to do something, they did it, and that’s why they felt brave. Not because of their own bravery but because they knew God was leading them. So moments like those.

5. What makes you feel vulnerable?

As odd as it sounds, I guess, surrendering control because there are many times in life when you have to do it and you’re only in control of your life when you know that you’re not in control of your life. At least that’s what I’ve experienced. I’ve only ever been content with my life when I’m not planning things or plotting moves for the future. None of them are nefarious but anyway…but yeah I think that’s the only time when I’ve not felt vulnerable. I’ve always constantly felt vulnerable when I’m planning for the future and I guess that’s the error. I’m trying to enthrone my own will for my life and I need to stop doing that. The more I stop doing that, the more content I am with the present. I’m sure God doesn’t say “Don’t plan for the future.” God doesn’t endorse the whole YOLO thing. He doesn’t endorse the brand, but he knows it’s true. God definitely wants you to plan for the future, but he doesn’t want that to be your thing that you’re doing. In the Bible God says the animals and birds in the sky I take care of and you are more valuable to me than these things so why wouldn’t I take care of you; why wouldn’t I see what’s best for you? Why worry about these things? Vulnerability strikes when I try to control things and then when things go out of my control I’m like “Oh, crap.”

6. What was your proudest moment?

I don’t think I’ve ever been that proud of myself. I don’t think I’ve done anything noteworthy. As strange as that sounds. Noteworthy things have happened in my life, but I don’t think I’ve deserved them. I kind of shy away from taking credit because I know how much work I put into things and how much is God’s grace. That’s why there’s not many things I’m proud of in my life, but I’m proud of my parents. They showed immense bravery for leaving everything in Pakistan behind, leaving their positions, leaving all the hard work they put in to get to the places they wanted to be in order to hit the reset button. I’m proud of them for that because that takes immense bravery. I haven’t done anything like that to be proud of myself about.

7. Who is your role model / hero and why?

Personally, I don’t like to have role models, especially humans. What I do like to have are people that I can learn from. My dad is not the perfect father, but he has qualities that I’m proud of and experiences that I have learned from. Earlier on, we were talking about my career and somethings that have been challenging; my father’s actually experienced that and I was too young to understand what he was going through, but now I do. I’m learning from some of his experiences that he went through when I was fifteen and I’m gaining context now when I’m twenty-five and kind of going through similar experiences. Similarly, I’ve got other individuals around me who when they were going through these experiences I was too young to understand them, but now I’ve reached a point in my life where I understand them a lot better. I wouldn’t say I have role models, but I have a lot of people I can learn from  and lean not to make the same mistakes. I’ve got good mentors who advise me not only on the good things they’ve done but also on the bad decisions they’ve made.

8. What is one life lesson you’d like to pass down to future generations?

The world is shallow. Don’t get swallowed by the shallowness of it all. You see so many things, bright lights and all that, but it’s very hollow and it will never satisfy you. In my own life, I’ve experienced that. It’s always when I’m in New York unfortunately. That’s like my go-to thing. Nothing against the city or the people who live there, but I think that what I’ve always experienced is this amazing sense of loneliness.

    I was in church last week and the pastor was referencing a quote from Mother Teresa and I think Mother Teresa once said essentially, the West is stricken with a poverty of loneliness and I think that stems from us chasing after things that really have no long lasting meaning. In life you go from graduating high school, some people don’t even get to do that, then some people either go to college or some people go to vocational school or wherever. Check. Then some people find a girl, settle down, get a family. Check. I feel like people around us who think from a secular view think about life as a check list; keep marking off things, keep marking off things. That’s where the shallowness comes from. In 2018, you need these clothes, this hairstyle; 2019, this is in. The color of the year is magenta now. Who comes up with this stuff? Then people go to cocktail parties and say “I’m wearing so and so” and you’re just like “Cool. Great.” It’s such a shallow chase. It’s good to have money, but the chase of it is so shallow and hollow. It doesn’t satisfy you. I know on Instagram you see so and so with so and so and we all just wind up competing with one another and then some of us lie. It’s just an endless chase of being something that the world wants you to be. On the other hand, Jesus says come to me all who are labored and I will give you rest. At times to some people, that sounds too good to be true. In reality it’s not. So that’s one thing I will impart to the younger generation is stop chasing after life and the shallowness of it all and start searching for truth.  

9. What is your opinion of Jesus?

Jesus was a very interesting figure. There are a lot of tags and labels you can put on Jesus. There are many times I think about what it must have been like. In the academic world, when Jesus started his ministry, it’s referred to as the ‘Jesus Movement.’ Just because the things that he said that were so controversial; “Love one another,” “Pray for your enemies” and all those things. I love how he responded to people. My favorite response of his was when he was in Jerusalem and the teachers of the law come and they want to trap him because the Roman soldiers were there and they wanted him to commit some sort of blasphemy. They basically wanted him to say don’t pay taxes to Caesar because they thought he was a nationalist Jewish leader. They ask him, “Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar?” What happens is, Jesus responds by asking for a coin and he asks the crowd “Whose face is on this coin?” They say, “Caesar.” Then he says, “Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar. Give to God what belongs to God.” A lot of people have said that if the questioner was asking from a place of honesty, he should have had a follow up question. The follow up question should have been, “What belongs to God?” More likely than not, Jesus’s response would have been “Whose image is on you?” That would earn a Mic drop! And that is such a great way of how he maneuvered through people’s questions. I think that was the most fascinating thing to see was God’s wisdom. That’s just amazing. There’s a reason that to this date we haven’t seen anyone speak like that or we haven’t heard anyone say things like that.

    More secular people like to refer to Gandhi and bring up his examples, but Gandhi wouldn’t have been here had he not attended a lecture on the Beatitudes at UCL in London. So his nonviolence movement actually stemmed from the Bible. It didn’t happen because Gandhi was nonviolent. So the originator of this idea of nonviolence and this sheer sense of wisdom stems from Jesus. There are a lot of labels, but I think it’s really God’s wisdom and how he and Jesus brought everything back to God’s relationship with man and his identity and what he’s going to do for us. That’s what fascinates me about him the most because he always tries to show us what’s important.

#Questions #Nine #interview #conversation #thoughts #career #job #life #real #reality #future #Jesus #Christianity #Bible #scripture #Spirituality #secular #world view #world #brave #vulnerable #dad #advice #Mother Teresa #Gandhi #Winston Churchill #February #2019 #millenials #patience

[sturmxundxdrang]

2 0 1 8 ;

so this has been something i’ve done for both 2016 and 2017 (unfortunately can’t find that one), so yeah, a little recap of my year. under read more bc nobody’s interested in a long ass text lol 

So since I can’t find my 2017 post, I’m gonna go from the 2016 and see what I have accomplished from the things I wanted for 2017:

To finally start learning German properly: in 2017 I went to German classes. They did help me a lot, but I had to quit for financial reasons and because I felt like it was slow.

Learn how to play guitar and piano: I did go looking for piano classes, but couldn’t go through with them. More on that below.

Finish my ‘wall collage’: I almost got to finish it! It was actually on my wardrobe’s door, and it was almost complete, but I had to take it down this year when I got a new wardrobe. Fortunately, I had glued the drawings to a sheet of paper, so I still have it.

Finish writing and editing as many books as I can: I did write a lot, I have over 200 poems just from 2017, but I, unfortunately, didn’t do much editing or finished books, haha. 

Watch at least 100 of the movies from my list: I feel like I focused a lot more on TV shows, so that is a no.

Start exercising more: This went as a complete fail, up until November haha.

Do more things by myself: definitely yes, I’ve been growing a lot.

Get a car: I learned that driving stresses me out, but my parents switched to a different car to make it easier for me to drive, so I’m good with that.

Other things from 2017: 

In 2016 I found both witchcraft and Hellenic Polytheism, and I started practicing, but being an ex-Christian, I didn’t talk about it. Out of fear of judgment, out of fear of being wrong and deciding to stop it, a lot of other things. But 2017 was the year I started trusting it more, and the way I felt welcome in this religion, and by my gods, was so warm, that in 2017 I was sure that this was exactly what I was supposed to do. 

I also completed 5 years sober. March 18 was not only my birthday, but also the day I marked 5 years being Straight Edge, something I looked up to achieve ever since I began, back when I was 14 years old and looking up to CM Punk. Back then all I knew was that it was going to be better for me, and inspired by one of my heroes, I claimed. Now I understand the depth of my choice, and how much it helped me as a person. I thank CM Punk for showing me this lifestyle, but I also thank my 14 years old self, that, despite being very young and immature, made a very important choice. 

So, now, we enter 2018. Right from the beginning of January, it was a roller coaster. I ended one of my longest friendships, with a person that had been my best friend since 2011. I'm not getting much into it, because it has ended and there is no use bringing it up, but although it was hard to think about going on without somebody that was very important to me at the time, it ended up being the best choice, and proved itself to be a big improvement to my life. All I have to say is that after the end, I was able to see how toxic it was and that moving on felt like a weight off of my shoulders. 

I think things started well on New Years Eve. We had a small party, only me, my parents and two of our family friends. It was fun, we all talked, laughed, played Just Dance. But a bit before midnight, I put Mehr - Rammstein, to play. It’s one of my favorite songs, and the bridge is my favorite part. It played right when it hit midnight, and we toasted to the New Years Eve right when Till yells ‘Mehr!’. I think that was me starting the year with the right mindset.

My first poem of 2018 was a contrast to everything I used to write. All those 200 poems from 2017? Most about heartache, suffering, about pain. But 2018 started with me writing about true love, about softness and being happy. And gods, was I happy in 2018. I didn’t write much this year, because my writing comes more from pain and as a coping mechanism. I’m slowly learning how to write when I’m happy too, I’ll get there soon. 

If you’ve known me for a while, then you know birthdays were really not my thing. It was usually a day I’d be very depressed, I don’t like getting old, I was too stressed about thinking that another year went by, it was all sorts of bad. One time my mom gave me a surprise birthday party because my ex best friend posted a message on my Facebook wall and talked about knowing I hated my birthdays. Mom invited my friends (a group of about 6-7 people at the time), only 2 showed up. But this year, man, it was different. I had plans to go to the Zoo and then to the Botanic Garden to have a picnic. So we invited a family friend (one that was there during the New Year’s party), and we went. We had a fantastic day together, and then came back to a family BBQ, that was equally as good. It was the first birthday in a LONG time where I felt truly happy.

This part is probably one of the most important, I’d say. I can’t tell when exactly it was, but I know it was around my birthday’s time, but someone set up a Rammstein Discord Server. I joined it, not expecting much, because I’m always inactive in groups like that. But you, see, this person became a very important part of my life, because not long after that, there were her, me, and a few more people joking about setting up a Rammstein cover band. And what started out as only a joke, became one of the most important things for me this year: Roter Himmel. Stephanie, Leah, Karla and I. RH’s first year was a roller coaster too. Members that came and went, some that I wish weren’t even there in the first place, but life is like that, and some that will be missed - yeah, Lily, you. But life happens, and that’s okay <3

This band gave me three amazing friends, that now I consider family, made me even closer to someone that was already one of my best friends, and that will ever be the Paulie to my Richard, as we say, and is giving me the opportunity to work on dreams I’ve had as a kid, and of course, to put my dream of moving to Berlin into an actual plan. I’ve started learning the guitar again because of them, something that I’ve wanted since I was literally 6, but that I put aside for so long. And because of them, I’ll be going to Berlin next year, to finally see the place that I hope to call home in the future. Roter Himmel is now probably one of the biggest part of my life, and I cannot wait to be playing our music in crappy bars in Berlin in a few years. To Steph, Karla and Lee: thank you. 2019 will be Roter Himmel’s year.

Law too, is a big part of my life. Not only because it’s something I really love, but because, of course, that’s what I’m studying. This was my third year, so now I have only 2 and a half before I’m finished. I also got my first job in the field. I’ve been working since I was 13, but moving to something new is scary. And me, having terrible anxiety, you can just imagine. But I got the job, and it turned out to be better than I was expecting: my boss is a great person, my coworkers are sweethearts, and despite it being kinda crazy in there, I’m enjoying being there, and getting to learn every day. More importantly, I’m dealing with my anxiety of talking to new people, or going new places, or y’know, just being with strangers. And, y’know, just working with what I’m studying & what I like gives me a sense of ‘you’re doing good’. 

So, my religion. Like I said, I got started in 2016, improved in 2017, but 2018 has been the year where I really felt my religion. I’ve felt home ever since I got started, like this is what I’m supposed to be doing, like that feeling of coming home, and this year really showed me that, yes, I’m definitely where I’m supposed to be. I finally know what is like to experience a love so pure, that it can bring me to tears. I’ve always felt broken knowing Christianity wasn’t for me, always felt bad that I couldn’t feel what my mom felt for her God, for example. But now I do, now I understand that my mother’s God isn’t mine, and that this love I searched for was there, all my life, I just had to find it. I adore my gods, and I’m thankful for them all day, I’m grateful for them being in my life, I’m grateful for their love. That was also the highlight of my year: knowing they’re there for me.

This year was quite strange too, nothing is made of rose petals, of course. We had a terrible election in Brazil, and I fear for what will come after January 1st. I’m terrified for me, for my family, for my country. My 2 years old cat went missing weeks before my birthday, and still haven’t returned; I know he will tho. Some of the friendships I’ve thought would last me for life ended, or we got distant, but I know some things aren’t meant to last and I’m okay with that now. My grandma, just a few days before me writing this, almost died. She went through a very bad surgery, and I spent the night with my mom, aunt and uncle, at the hospital, praying she’d survive. She did, she’s doing better, she will get better, but that was probably the scariest experience I’ve had this entire year.

Also, I got one more cat. After Sonne went missing, I was awful. My dad found this tiny black kitten lost, and he brought it to me. Asche is probably the exact opposite of Sonne, who was this sassy little boy. Asche is a sweetheart, and is always in the same room as we are. Sonne will be back, I’m certain of that.

Back on friendships, I’m very thankful for the friends I made this year, for the ones that didn’t leave, and in special, my best friend of many years. We had a fall out due to my depression, but our friendship is back just how it used to be, and I’m very grateful for him for putting up with me and being there even when I’m a little shit lol. I’m grateful for Lily, and for how our friendship is strong as ever, for my bandmates, who are always there for me too, and for the friends that put up with me talking about Richard (and Ares @ Steph and Karla lol) all the damn time. 

About the piano thing, my dad got a keyboard, somewhere between mid 2017 and the beginning of 2018 (I’m really bad with dates, so) and I managed to play the first part of Für Elise, and I know it’s fairly simple and easy, but I love Beethoven, and being able to play it within two days of my dad getting that keyboard made me very proud of myself. I ended up not practicing anymore, and my dad’s friend borrowed the keyboard from him. 

2018 was definitely a year of growth for me, about learning, getting better, facing fears, about new beginnings and letting go of things that are not good for me. I cried a lot, but I was happy a lot. I consider it an amazing year, to be quite honest, and I know 2019 will be even better. 

As I did for 2016, here are some things I want to accomplish in 2019:

I hope to have at least intermediate German. I’m almost there, but not yet.

I’ll focus on the guitar, and won’t let my frustration burn me out.

Exercise more and get a better sleep schedule.

Focus more on college, this last semester was very tough.

Do more things I usually wouldn’t, like going out to do something on my own, and hopefully being to drive by myself.

Read & write more, or at least more than I did in 2018.

Watch more movies, strike a few from my list.

Meet more people, go out more.

Be more organized.

Focus on my religion & study more, try to keep a consistent schedule and all that.

Find a hobby that will help me relax, something that I can do without pushing myself too much, because I frustrate myself a lot.

And yeah, those are a few I can remember right now, might add some more in the future. Hopefully, I strike all of those out by the time I’m writing my year review of 2019 haha. It’s gonna be a good year, I can feel that, man.

#vamp #fav #2018 #year recap #year review #bad days stuff

[toomanysurveys9]

started last night - finishing today.

List three people you’ve had crushes on. jacob (obviously), tito (back before i was with jacob - like middle school), and chris. Have you ever been in love with someone that you watched from afar? not love, no. and i didn’t have any crushes on people i didn’t talk to or whatever. How old were you when you started your period? i think i was like ten. it was on thanksgiving too, of all days. it was horrible.

How old were you when you had your first crush? my mom teased me about a boy in kindergarten but it was like 4th grade or something before i actually had a crush on someone.

How old were you when you were first head over heels in love? fourteen or fifteen and it was jacob.

Have you ever been in love with someone who made you miserable? you could say that, yes.

How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10? i had some recently that were like an easy six or seven.

Have you ever thrown up from cramps? i have not so far.

List three people you had a hard time forgiving. jason, christian, and my aunt mary.

Is there someone you are currently struggling to forgive? no one comes to mind, no.

What is the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? labor. contractions are no joke.

Do you have an embarrassing period story? If so, what is it? i started my period on graduation day in high school. and our robes were white. luckily it wasn’t too bad, just a drop of blood got on my robe, and it wasn’t until AFTER we walked. but oh my god.

Have you ever had bad cramps in class? nope. i didn’t really get cramps with my period. i’ve only ever gotten cramps while pregnant.

Have you ever thrown up in school? If so, what happened? i have. i am pretty sure i just got sent home.

Have you ever left school because of cramps? nope. i didn’t have cramps with my periods.

Did your school allow you to have pain medicine on you? i think we could if we told the teacher we had it?

Did your school have a nurse? yeah. i think that’s pretty common with most schools, at least in the u.s.

When was the last time you threw up? i don’t remember. it’s been a very long time.

Have you ever tried to starve yourself in order to lose weight? yeah. in middle school, and into high school.

How old were you when you lost your virginity? the first time i had consensual sex i was fifteen i think.

If applicable, what form of birth control do you use? i’m not on any birth control right now since i’m pregnant.

What is your sexual orientation? straight

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? i have not.

Are you happy with your gender? yup.

What gender do you identify as? What gender were you born as? female for both.

Do you identify as “religious”? not even a little bit.

Do you identify as “spiritual”? nope.

Have you ever tried drugs? nope.

Have you ever gotten high off a prescription medication? nope. i have not.

Have you ever been drunk? many, many times. i was drunk almost every weekend after i turned 21.

Have you ever smoked pot? i have not.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? i have not.

What’s your favorite drug? i don’t do any drugs, as i’ve already stated.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? i used to really enjoy liquid marijauna when we went to bars. otherwise, i liked to do shots of whatever.

How old are you? twenty-five.

Do you drink regularly? not anymore.

Are/were you abused? yeah.. i was sexually abused a lot.

Do you have a significant other? If yes, are you happy in your current relationship? If not, are you happy being single right now? i do. and most of the time, yes. it’s not always perfect, but i couldn’t see myself with anyone else.

Do you want a significant other? i have one.

Do you take drugs or drink to numb your pain? i used to use drinking to do that.

Who is your current crush? my husband.

Who is your current friend crush? i don’t have a friend crush. i don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.

Do you prefer tampons or pads? tampons. i hate the feeling of pads.

Have you ever used a tampon? yeah.

What’s your bra size? like 38d or something? that’s what i buy usually anyways.

Do you have a hard time finding bras in your size? cute ones, yes.

Can you still wear clothes from the children’s section? nope. i cannot.

Are you lonely? not at the moment.

Did your parents give you “the talk”? not really.

How old were you when your parents talked to you about puberty? they didn’t really discuss it until i had my period. school talked about it in fourth grade or something though i think.

Do you like going to the doctor? it’s not my most favorite thing in the world. i always feel awkward.

Do you like going to the dentist? NO. i hate it.

Do you think you are attractive? i know i’m not.

Are you happy with the way you look? obviously not if i know i’m not attractive.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? i don’t know. i hear both.

What was the last thing you baked? i put a frozen pizza in the oven tonight for jacob if that counts. lol. otherwise, i don’t remember right off hand.

Does your computer run slow? sometimes.

If you’re a Christian, do you love your enemies? If you’re a Christian, do you sometimes forget to love your enemies? If you’re a Christian, what’s your favorite version of the Bible? i’m not a christian so i’m not going to bother answering these.

Who is the most spiritual person you know? my mom’s foster family.

What type of surveys do you like the best? anything besides the bold surveys, or surveys that are mostly yes or no answers.

Have you ever accidentally overdosed on a drug? nope.

Do you have the same worldview as your parents? there are some differences...

What is your favorite forum game? i don’t have one?

Do you like to play Truth or Dare? i used to like it. i mostly picked truth though.

Would you ever start a vlog? no. i wouldn’t have anything to do for it.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a celebrity? lol, no.

Are your dreams coming true yet? more or less, sure.

Do you struggle with depression? i do. What makes you laugh the most? wyatt makes me laugh all the time. Are you haunted by your past? occasionally.

Do you believe ADHD is real? yeah, i do. but i also think it sometimes gets over diagnosed, especially in little kids who are just being little kids. we tend to expect a lot out of them.

Have you ever questioned your sanity? yeah. What medical conditions do you have? depression. anxiety. asthma. Have you ever had low self-esteem? story of my life. Do you use a Magic Bullet? i do not. i have a ninja though.

What are your favorite things to put in smoothies? my favorite smoothie are the raspberry banana ones. i also put yogurt in it.

What does your apron look like? i don’t have an apron. i don’t see the point, to be honest.

What do you want to name your first child?

we named him wyatt robert. :) if he had been a girl, his name would have been adalyn sue. his sister is going to be named eliana sue though.

Would you ever name a child after yourself? definitely not.

Is there a guy or girl you wish things had worked out with? no one comes to mind.

What makes you nauseous? pregnancy. lol. lately i’ve been getting nauseous for no apparent reason. but i get nauseous if i don’t eat enough or drink enough or get too hot. or smell something my belly doesn’t agree with.

What are your favorite spicy foods? i don’t really eat any spicy foods.

Which do you like better: being an adult or being a kid? i mean, there are pros and cons for both. being a kid was so much easier and less stress. but i love being a mom to my babies.

Were you excited to be a teenager on your thirteenth birthday? i guess so.

Did you feel insecure in high school? i’ve always been on the insecure side.

Do you think there are different types of depression? yeah.

Would you ever be friends with someone who was suicidal? yeah....

What is the antidote to self-harm? (If you don’t know, don’t answer.) it varies for everyone. i still struggle with wanting to do it, but i’ve done good at not giving in to those desires because my kids.

Who was the biggest bully in high school? i honestly don’t know. i didn’t really pay attention to the people around me. i kept to myself.

What was your favorite class in high school? choir and english. and i loved history with sabo.

Would you rather have a daughter or a son? i have a son, and will soon have a daughter, and i’m happy about that.

Are you woman, man, boy, or girl? woman.

Have you ever written to an advice columnist? i have not.

What color is your Christmas tree? we had a white one, but i think we’re going back to green. the white ones yellow..

Do you celebrate Christmas? yes. i love christmas. i love giving gifts.

Do you celebrate Halloween? sure do. i cannot wait to take the kids trick or treating on wednesday!

Do you believe all Christians are evil and hypocritical, or only some? obviously i don’t believe that. whether someone is evil and hypocritical doesn’t really have to do with religion.

Do you think it’s bullying to tell someone they’re naive? no.. as long as you’re not saying it just to be a jerk. there are nice ways to talk to people.

Did you get bullied more as a child, a teenager, or an adult? teenager i guess.

Have you ever broken out in hives? not hives, no.

Have you ever had a doctor not believe what you told him? nope. i have a good doctor.

If you’re female, would you feel uncomfortable having a male gynecologist? my family doctor is a male and he does all the ob stuff and everything else. i’ve been going to him for years, so i trust him, even if it is a bit awkward.

Do you like Lisa Frank? i guess i did as a kid. i liked the folders and whatnot at least.

What gives you nightmares? lately, they’ve been nightmares about someone trying to hurt wyatt or me..

Do you dream in black and white or color? usually color.

Have you ever been in a car accident? yeah. one year i was in two. one with each of my parents.

Were you ever hospitalized as a child? yeah. for awhile (until about middle school) i was hospitalized every year with pneumonia.

Do you have a conscience now? well, yeah.

Do you believe everyone has a conscience? no. plenty of people have proven that i think.

Do you believe that drug addicts and alcoholics should count as people? well, duh. they are people.

Are narcotics safe? depends how they are used. if they are misused, then no.

Will you vote in the next presidential election? yup.

What’s your favorite zoo animal? owls or wolves or foxes.

Are you allergic to your favorite animal? i am not.

What is the best thing to eat with soup? i don’t know. i usually just eat soup if that is what i’m having.

Do you eat ice cream with a fork or a spoon? spoon... the only reason i could see using a fork is if were were totally out of spoons and had no way to wash them.

What’s your favorite country besides the USA? i’m not too sure, to be honest. i’m not even sure i would call the us my favorite right now.

Are you an adventurous eater? i’m more adventurous than i used to be. lol. but still wouldn’t say i’m all that adventurous.

Do you take risks? not really, no.

Who was the last friend who turned on you? he didn’t really turn on me, he just decided he no longer cared, if he ever did, and that was tito.

How old were you when you get your first cell phone? i don’t know. i was in sixth grade i think though but it was for emergencies only.

How old were you when you got your first personal laptop? eighteen.

Did you get senior pictures taken? my dad did them. :)

What will you do to save money at your wedding? i just tried to find the cheapest things that i could for it. there was a lot of do it yourself, as far as favors and decor.

What was the last thing you bought online? phone case for ashley i believe. my mom paid for it.

Do you shop online? not a whole lot, no.

What color is your bicycle? i don’t have a bike anymore.

Do you consider yourself unique? not really, no. no more unique than anyone else.

What’s your favorite coffee shop in your town? i usually just go to dunkin’.

Did you attend a youth group? not anymore. i did on and off when i was younger though.

Did you ever have to take home a fake baby in health class? i didn’t HAVE to, and it wasn’t for health class. but i did take one home.

Do you have any friends of a different ethnicity than you? i have like two friends, and they are the same ethnicity as me. i have had friends of different ethnicity in the past though. we just aren’t really friends anymore because we drifted apart.

Are you part Irish? i am not that i’m aware of.

Would you rather wear ivory or white on your wedding day? What color will your bridesmaids wear? i wore white and my bridesmaids wore royal blue.

What does your first name rhyme with? nothing comes to mind.

Have you ever taken a poetry course? no. we’ve talked about poetry in some courses, but it wasn’t the primary focus.

Would you ever take a college class just for fun? probably not.

Do you like mowing the lawn? i’ve never mowed the lawn. i’m too allergic to do it.

Would you rather have a swimming pool or trampoline? a swimming pool.

What’s your favorite age for kids to be? i don’t know. i love the baby stage, because they’re adorable and baby cuddles. but i also love the toddler and older stage because they are learning so much and becoming more independent.

Do you think babies are cute? yes.

What would you name twin girls? if we were to have twin girls after eliana is born, i kind of like adalyn and emersyn. but i don’t know. it would probably change.

Are you named after anyone? my first name is after a character on a soap opera my mom used to really like and my middle name is after my mom’s foster mother.

Who picked your name: your mom or your dad? my mom. i’m the only one she named. she wanted to name erin courtney renee but my dad liked erin nicole.

What is your birth order in the family? i’m the oldest of my parents’ kids.

Have you ever been in someone’s wedding? just my own.

Do you want to have a bachelorette party? jacob and i combined our bachelor/bachlorette party. it was fun. went to kayla’s mom’s house and had food, alcohol, homemade water slide, some nerf guns, water balloons. then ended it with smores and a bonfire.

What season do you want to get married in? we got married in summer.

Do you dream about the future a lot? not really.

Do you think about your past a lot? not as much as i used to. but still more often than i would like to.

How good are you at living in the moment? i’m pretty good at it lately.

Would you be scared to meet God? maybe if he existed, but i don’t believe he does.

Have you ever questioned God’s existence? yeah. guess so.

Do you have a mirror in your room? i do not.

Target or Walmart? we usually go to walmart.

Is there a Kmart in your town? nope.

Do you think Jasper sounds more like a girl’s name or a boy’s name? boy. i’ve only known boys, but that’s not to say it wouldn’t work for a girl either.

Who are the cutest babies you know? my son. :p

Do you enjoy seeing wedding and baby announcements on facebook? yeah. :) i like seeing people happy.

Vanilla frosting or chocolate? depends on my mood and the type of cake.

Do you keep up with trends? nope. i don’t care enough to.

Would you ever go to Montana? maybe. i’m not really planning on it though, and it’s not the first place i think to go for vacation.

What’s your favorite foreign cuisine? italian probably these days.

Where do you do your grocery shopping? usually just go to walmart.

Have you ever moved to another state? i was born in florida, and then my parents moved us to indiana when i was a few months old. so technically yes but i don’t remember it.

Do you have a drawer just for socks? no. it’s for socks and underwear.

Do you wear mismatched socks? usually, yes.

Do you enjoy garage sales? i used to like them, but i couldn’t care less anymore.

When was the last time you prayed with someone? i don’t remember. it’s been a long time.

Favorite magazine? food network i guess.

How far away do you live from the nearest hospital? like ten or fifteen minutes.

Are there mansions in your town? i wouldn’t call them mansions, no. there are some pretty big houses though.

Would you decorate for holidays if you had a big house of your own? i want to decorate for the holidays since we do have a house of our own, but probably won’t this year. next year i hope to though!

What is your favorite planet besides earth? i’ve kind of always liked mercury since i did a book on it in like sixth grade. lol.

Do you believe in aliens? not the stereotypical ones, necessarily. but i’m not 100% confident in saying we are the only living organisms when there is still so much of space we haven’t even begun to explore.

Have you ever won a costume contest? not that i can think of.

Pink or red? depends what we are talking about. like if it’s a color of a car, red. but if it’s a pen, pink.

How late did you stay up last night and why? it was after midnight. i just haven’t been able to sleep well.

Who were the last two people you texted? jade and erin.

What’s currently bothering you? been a little crampy again.. i’m not sure why though.

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? yup.

Do you and your last ex hate each other? i don’t hate him - i don’t really feel any particular way about richard. i don’t know (or care) how he feels about me.

Have you ever been called a slut? it’s possible. but not that i’ve heard.

Is the person you last texted single? that was erin, and as far as i’m aware, she is single right now.

Have you thought about an ex today? just when i answered that question about him. otherwise, no.

Do you know how it feels to be cheated on? unfortunately.

What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? i honestly wouldn’t care.

Did you do anything productive today? so far, i have not. ha.

Would you ever get a tattoo? i have three and would like one or two more.

Where was the last place you traveled? we went for a walk last night.. walked to martin’s.

Is someone on your mind right now? wyatt. he’s being a trouble maker today. lol.

Can you say the alphabet backwards? i could but it’ll take me longer than saying it the “right” way.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i mean.. there are some things i would like to change..

What’s irritating you right now? feeling crampy and knowing it has nothing to do with ellie even being close to ready to come out even though her due date is only 3 days away..

#survey #surveys #personal #question #questions #random

[avcngrs]

I want to share my life story. It would mean the world to me if you read this all the way through. ♥

Dear friends, 

Some people have been asking if I’m returning to tumblr and well... not exactly.

I’m actually considering deleting my tumblr. I’ve definitely moved on and realized that tumblr only worsened my depression and kept me locked up in a world on a laptop. And yes, I made amazing friends on here who helped me through some hard times. However, they’ve all changed usernames and I can’t even find them. The insane amount of hours I’ve spent on this website scares me. I left tumblr about a year ago kind of suddenly and I want everyone to know that I’m okay, maybe even better than okay. It’s been a long, hard road with medical issues and anxiety and although tumblr was an escape for a while, it left me more and more broken.

To those who have been on tumblr for years like I have, with friends and a well-established blog, this website is not where you’ll find happiness. This might sound controversial, but hear me out. Staying locked in your room away from your family and real-life friends is not healthy. Human connection is what we long for, and it can’t be found behind a computer screen.

During Junior High, I found tumblr and bad friends who led me down a path of destruction. Tumblr led me into having a bad swearing problem, which I completely regret and still struggle with. Looking back on this website, I see a waste of time and a dark phase of my life. There is so much more to life then spending hours of your life photoshopping Captain America for a blog.

If you’re depressed or suicidal relying on tumblr, I understand. If you’ve read this far I want you to keep reading, and I want to explain everything to my followers on here. Why I created this blog in 2014, what I struggled with, and I want to give you hope of how far I’ve come in my life. From almost committing suicide, I’m currently someone who has a life-threatening lung disease but has found complete joy and peace after YEARS of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. And the truth is, you can find joy and peace and love too. Please keep reading, and I pray my story of hope will encourage you. I’m terrified to post this on the internet, but if it helps one person, it’s worth it.

This is my story.

In 2014, I was in eighth grade. Like most Junior Highers, I had low self-esteem which leads to depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. This is around the time I created my tumblr. Staying up on tumblr until 3 am, I talked to strangers about my deepest darkest fears. How I felt bullied on my cheer team for not feeling skinny enough or good enough at the stunts. How my mother had become an alcoholic and now I was the adult in the household. My dad worked out of town, and I was stuck dealing with it. Being called a bitch by my mother. Walking out in the morning to see a half drunk wine glass and knowing she got wasted last night, not caring how much it hurt me. To see someone I used to respect turn to a completely different person. I still believe my mother has a bipolar personality issue but she still refuses professional help. Basically, Junior High is when everything changed and an innocent, Jesus-loving 6th grader turned into someone I look back to and see a monster. I’m scared of who I became. I was friends with people who were also lost, suicidal, and obsessed with fictional characters.

When high school started, I thought everything would be better. I’d make new friends, and things would just be perfect; high school is supposed to be the best 4 years of your life, right? Boy, was I wrong.

Yes, I started making new friends but I still had my insecurities. New people had come into my class who were prettier than me, smarter than me, and better artists. My self-esteem weakened even more, and I clung to tumblr as a “happy place.” I reached a 2,000 follower goal, was winning awards, starting my own networks, and I felt “cool” here, as a faceless blogger who could spill my problems to strangers who assured me “everything would be okay.”

Yet something happened my Freshmen year that caused me to lose my faith in humanity even more. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving break, I remember both my parents coming into my room, my mom crying and my dad looking like he was about to. I had just sat down on the floor with my backpack, pulling out my science book for homework. But I stopped in my tracks thinking, “What did I do? What did I do that would make my mom cry? Did they find my tumblr?”

It was much worse. My mom sat on my bed and said, “Molly’s been murdered.”

Molly was my nineteen-year-old cousin who lived in LA (Los Angeles) and had started with weed then graduated to cocaine and meth. My aunt tried everything. Expensive rehab in Missouri multiple times, but nothing worked. She ran away from home and started living on friends’ couches, only caring about the next high. This is someone I grew up with, who I watched choose the wrong path. That path of drugs led to her being shot in the head without motive. She was in a garage of about 12 people, sitting on a couch and chilling and someone she knew pulled out a 9mm and shot her in the head. He proceeded to put her in a trunk of a car and leave her there, the day before Thanksgiving (I believe. I might have the dates wrong. This whole period of my life is a blur). The cops only found her body because someone called in an abandoned car notice. The detectives showed up at my aunts house at 2 am that Tuesday and gave the news.

A week before I had spent Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle and my uncle had sent a message to Molly on Thanksgiving day on Facebook, saying how much we loved her and wanted her to come home.

She was already dead when he sent the message.

We expected something to happen to her, maybe an OD. But never this. My cousin’s murder broke a piece of my heart that will always stay broken. I’ll never understand why people could murder someone. (The investigation has been finished and they determined it was a homicide.) I could barely make it through a school day after that without crying. I lost what little faith in God I had left. (I go to a Christian school, grew up in the church, and was expected to be the angel child.) But after Molly’s murder, I changed.

My cussing problem got worse, and cutting myself. I have stretch marks on my thighs, so I would cut there so no one would notice the scars. And to this day, no one has.

I struggled with my emotions over the next couple months of Freshmen year, even writing an essay about Molly for one of my English assignments. In her memory, I want to tell you people to never do drugs whether they’re legal or not. Weed is a gateway drug to crystal meth and cocaine, and then getting shot in the head and thrown into the back of a car. It ruins your body and your life. My cousin grew up in a Catholic church but lost her way trying to fit in at high school and finding “friends” who gave her drugs to be “cool”. Drugs are not cool, and lead to destruction and pain and digging a hole that’s really hard to climb out of.

But I started to move on and accept what had happened. I still miss her, and wish I could talk with her one last time.

A few months later, good news came in January. 

A little background info: I was born with heart issues and had my first surgery at 4 days old and open heart surgery at 3. I have huge surgery scars, but other than that you would’ve thought I was a normal kid growing up... except I could never play sports. I love love love love soccer, but my cardiologist never let me play competitively. However, when Freshmen spring soccer sign ups came around I was brave enough to ask, “Can I play?”

After a thorough check-up, he said yes.

I was OVERJOYED. This was something I never believed would happen and I was so excited to buy cleats and shin guards and get on the field and be an awesome defender.

Until my first practice.

I realized I couldn’t run. Not even one lap around the track. To this day, I’ve never run a mile. This amazing girl on my team named Emily (sweetest girl I’ve ever met) came up beside me and tried to help me learn to run. But I couldn’t breathe. I was out of breath almost instantly. I blamed my heart issues but as soccer season went on, I realized it was more than that.

I got a little playing time but I was mainly a bench warmer. I didn’t really mind. I loved the practices and pushing my body, even if I couldn’t do as much as everyone else. Some of the older girls bullied me in a way that they would scream at me whenever I did something wrong. And though I don’t use this word often, there was this one Senior who was a bitch. Even at our good Christian school. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bad-mouthing my school. It is filled with Jesus-loving people who inspire me every day, but this one chick... she needed some Jesus. A lot of the time after practices I would hold in my emotions then start crying in the car as soon as my mom picked me up. I wanted to prove to everyone I WAS strong and good at sports and it wasn’t my fault I could breathe.

Easter break we ended up going back to the cardiologists to talk about my issues in soccer. And so, he performed an echocardiogram, (which is similar to the sonogram they do for pregnancies, but for your heart) which is normal. But then he came back and did it again and again and again. About the fourth time, my mom and I looked at each other and said, “Something’s wrong.”

That day I was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension.

My life will never be the same.

In short, pulmonary arterial hypertension (PaH) is a lung disease with high pressure in the arteries around your heart. Normally when you exercise your arteries expand to let the blood flow easier from the heart and lungs. Mine don’t expand and the pressures grow on the right side of the heart which could lead to heart failure. It feels like asthma but it was way more serious. I was just fifteen, and being told I was going to die before 30.

My emotional state was shattered. I went to specialists in San Francisco and they started medication that made me feel like sh*t. I got headaches so bad I couldn’t move, and I was nauseous for hours at night but was never able to throw up. There were a lot of nights I slept on the bathroom floor. And I usually kept my issues to myself, bottling my emotions about my disease. Did I mention I started said medications a week before my first high school finals? Somehow I persevered and got all A’s on my finals. But through all this, I got angrier at God. I relied on friends, tumblr and fanfiction and TV shows for happiness. And they failed me.

I got more and more depressed, thinking and wondering how could anyone love a faliure like me? A loser who couldn’t even breathe right. I had always been a good student but with the medications Sophomore year was a nightmare. Everything was being taken away from me: my health, my body, my mind. And I couldn’t help crying out, “God, why me?”

Right before Sophomore year, I was faced with starting a new medication. One form of it was administered in a pump similar to a diabetic pump, except you keep it on 24/7. Showering would be a pain, and I couldn’t go swimming. I refused to try it. I didn’t care how bad my disease was. I was terrified of having something attached to me.

The second option was these trial pills. I would take them three times a day, 7, 3, and 10:30. So, in August 2016, I started these meds. 

The side effects were horrible and torturous.

I was constantly nauseous and flushed, and could barely make it through a school day. I don’t even remember much of Sophomore year. I think my brain blocks it out. My anxiety got worse and worse and I begged my parents for a dog, a friend to help with the stress. 

Like I said, I don’t remember much of Sophomore year, except for some happy parts like going to country concerts and being a cheer captain. I had an amazing “squad” of friends who stuck by me no matter what and still surprise me with Starbucks on my doorstep on bad days. 

Six months passed, and we headed back to the San Francisco specialists to find out if my medications were working and if all the pain and misery and torture of the last couple months was worth it.

I had a heart cath, (which is where they put a camera through an artery in your thigh and send it to the heart to read the pressures in your lungs), and awaited the news.

Things had gotten worse.

The medication wasn’t working.

For a third time in a year, I was shattered. Would things ever get better for me? To top it off, this meant I needed to start the pump medication.

I remember asking my dad to take a friend and I to go swimming at a nearby lake. My friend actually has no idea, but that was the last time I’ve gone swimming or worn a bikini up to this day.

July 2017 I said goodbye to the life I’d known, and was admitted to the hospital for a week to be transferred to the pump. When they place the site (where the medicine is administered through a little tiny needle thing) it’s extremely painful. With my pump, you don’t change the site every 3 days like a diabetic pump. You change it when the site goes bad and you put a new one in, which gets super painful and swollen before it gets better. When I say painful, I mean I almost needed morphine once.

People always say “It’s God’s plan,” and “things will get better.” I wanted to punch those people in the face. Because I had been waiting for things to get better for a long time, and things always got worse.

Plus, for the shower I need to take them quick and cover up my site with plastic, gauze and waterproof tape. I can’t go swimming or take a bath. During the day, I usually hide my pump in my bra or jean pocket.

Even so, before Junior year I had full on panic attacks about people knowing about my pump. I found ways to completely hide it but I was still so terrified of people finding out and judging me. I don’t know what they would do, but I was so scared of being different. Not fitting in. I had to be careful about what I wore, to make sure I could hide it completely. And only a few select people knew what was really going on. Even so, I think only one person really knew about how bad my depression was getting.

Some fun things did happen last August though. My dream of going to London was granted by Make-A-Wish! As an avid Sherlock and Harry Potter fan, I was ecstatic. I spent 10 days in the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen with my mom, dad, and my aunt. I think I took over 3,000 photos on the trip. It was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever been blessed to have. A limo came and picked me up at my house and we arrived at the airport to fly “across the pond” and into a dream. Make-A-Wish is such an incredible organization because they do dream trips and wishes, and while I was in London, I didn’t feel “sick.” I actually felt fantastic, walking 20,000 steps a day, way ahead of my parents. I went on Sherlock and Harry Potter tours, and I might make a separate post about this trip if people ask. But basically, it was seriously a dream come true.

When I got home, I actually ended up adopting a border collie named Blaze, who has become my best friend. I’m still training him to be my service dog and an emotional support animal for others. He is an absolute sweetheart. He’s helped my anxiety by an enormous amount. 

Regardless, I still had my fears of starting Junior Year.

The dreaded day came and I started going back to school. It was better than I thought, and I was ahead in my classes. I was brave enough to take two APs and an Honors class. I was taking my math online, and everything was going surprisingly well. No one knew about the pump.

Then I had my first site change. 

I missed a week of school and got terribly behind. A week doesn’t seem like much, but it really took a toll. I got really discouraged, as my depression was still suffocating me. I didn’t do things with friends and stayed holed up. Walking my dog in the fall mornings was my favorite thing. Blaze is still one of the centers of my life and is my little sunshine.

But I started failing AP tests, and I wanted to drop the hard classes. Suicidal thoughts crept into my mind, ripping what little happiness I had away. I was scared. Not of suicide itself, but of the fact I was so close to doing it. I was scared of myself. How much I’d lost control of my body and mind. But I was scared to leave Blaze behind. That was one of the few things that kept me holding on.

One day my AP Chem teacher pulled me aside and asked what’s wrong. I told him I was tired and the usual excuses. He was one of the few teachers who knew what was going on though, medically. He asked if I had prayed about it. I said God and I weren’t really on talking terms.

And it’s true. Through all the trials I’d gone through I started to hate God. I always saw hypocrisy in Christians I knew, and didn’t really know what a real relationship with God looked like, I just knew I didn’t want one.

It was the last week of Septemeber when I really broke. I had to leave early because I was feeling sick, again, and signed out to go home. But I was so done with feeling like sh*t and not being able to make it through a school day. On the drive home I lost it.

I was crying and was a complete mess. The whole drive home the only thing I could think of was driving my car off the road and into a tree and hoping it killed me. 

Somehow, I made it home that day. And the next, and the next. I was just surviving at this point, not living. I was hopeless. I didn’t believe this medication would work because it didn’t last time. I tried to focus on school and redeem my grades, practically the last thing I had control of.

A few of my teachers also kept me from going off the deep end. I had failed two AP US History (APUSH) tests and my teacher pulled me aside and said, “You’re a better student than that.” He erased the tests and gave me a second chance. I started working my ass off in that class, and now I average 95 on his tests. But without that second chance, I would’ve quit and never proved to myself I could do it.

Said Chemistry teacher was also someone who kept me from not committing suicide. He’s a very inspiring person and an absolute science genius who had gone through a life and death experience like I was going through then and now. He ended up finding God through that experience and is still alive today, teaching and preaching to my AP class. He had written a book for his kids when they grew up because he thought he was going to die.  His book talks about God in a C.S. Lewis sort of story. He gave me a copy and told me to read it.

So right after my mental breakdown of driving home and almost attempting suicide, I started reading.

Please know I was scared of death on a day to day basis. When you have a terminal condition, your mind is constantly set on “deep mode”, experiencing the kind of thoughts people usually think of at 3 am, but all the time. Becuase I knew I was going to die, but I thought I was going to hell because there’s no way I deserved heaven. But I started reading this book and well...

For a fantasy book, it talks about death a lot. (Like I said, my teacher/friend wrote this when he thought he was going to die.)

“...it’s our consciousness - our ability to know we are alive - that sets us apart from the rest of creation -- a creation largely blind to its own existence... Unfortunately, however, because we have the ability to think and experience life, we are also capable of anticipating our deaths - an uncomfortable conundrum to say the least.”

This is one example of how the book addresses death, and for a suicidal person, it’s a lot to swallow. But that’s not the part that caught me. 

October 4th 2017, my life was changed.

Now, I know the Bible. I’ve grown up in the same Christian school for 12 years. But I’d never truly learned to put 100% faith and trust in the Creator of the Universe.

But there were a lot of things pointing me in that direction. Nudging me back into the safety of God’s arms. But Chapter 16 of my friend’s book was the final straw.

It reads...

“What I mean is that because we can think, we all know we’re going to die, and this fact in itself robs us of much of the joy and peace we would otherwise have if our fate had been kept from us. ... There is another option, however. ... We can choose to make the most difficult choice anyone can make. ... We can choose to trust the Creator.”

The night I read that, I got on my knees. I opened a very dusty Bible and found Jesus. I remember calling out and crying “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry” over and over. I was someone who didn’t deserve a second chance after what I’ve done. I can’t magnify in words how far away I was from Christianity and how much I never thought I’d love God again.

But that night, I felt his unwavering, unfailing forgiveness. I asked for peace, and I was given peace for the first time. Complete and utter peace. It’s different than relief. It’s knowing that everything is in God’s hands and nothing I do can change his love. My anxiety and panic have left. I was redeemed through grace and blood poured out on the cross. Jesus had planted the tree that would become the cross. His love was stronger than my broken heart.

GOD TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME SO HE COULD RESTORE MY SOUL FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I HAD NOTHING LEFT WHEN LOVE CAME DOWN AND RESCUED ME.

Since that day, I’ve woken up on my knees, thanking him for my pulmonary hypertension. God grabbed my stubborn self by the shoulders and shoved me to my knees. And I praise Him for that. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts since, and have barely looked back. My life has been completely turned around.

He’s shown me needs in my community and through His provision they’ve been fulfilled.

Some things that I’ve accomplished since coming back to God:

I was Junior Princess. (Something I never thought I’d win.)

I organized a clothes drive for victims of the Santa Rosa fire in Sonoma County. (They still need prayers!)

I’ve raised money for different needs in my community, with bake sales and BBQs. 

I hiked Diamond Head in Oahu, Hawaii on Christmas Day 2017. Correction: I practically ran up it. Take that, PH.  

I learned how to play the ukelele, and play it whenever I need a smile and want to praise my Savior with worship songs.

I’ve made new friends who encourage me in my walk with God, not take me away from Him.

And in January, I got some amazing news.

You know my pump medication? The one I thought wouldn’t work? I had a heart cath January 27th and they’ve never seen this medication work as well as it is for me. Another miracle I don’t deserve and will always praise God for. And I’m supposed to live way past thirty. And, my doctors think I’ll be able to do sports next year. :)

Basically, I want this story to inspire you to never, never, NEVER give up. What I’ve accomplished is through Jesus, not myself. I would be nothing without Him.

There’s been really hard days, and there will still be some for the rest of my life. But if I can save just one person by sharing my story of going from suicidal to joyful, everything I have suffered through will become worth it.

I’m planning to go to college, with God guiding me. Maybe starting a church or buying a house where I go to open up as a safe, Christian place for those who need it. I want to publish a devotional book before I graduate from high school. And God had blessed me with more years on this earth than I ever thought I would have. I wake up every day on my knees because I never expected another day. I never deserved another day, yet Jesus loves me enough to give me a life full of love and hope. I’ve dedicated my life to Him through complete trust, and every second seems more beautiful. To sprint as fast as I can, feeling like my lungs are on fire and praising God because I should never have been able to run or breathe. To watch the sunset bleed across an endless horizon to the sound of rustling palm trees and waves lapping the shore.

To believe that you’re going to die, then you don’t.

This world is not perfect, but it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. And somehow, thinking I was going to die made it so much sweeter. I can sit at a stoplight, feel warm sunlight on my face through the windshield and be overwhelmed with inexpressible joy. My whole face breaks out with a smile, and the guy parked next to me probably thinks I’m insane. Some people look at the earth and say, “there's nothing good here, look at all this pain.”

Open your eyes. ♥

If you’ll allow me, I want to end with a verse.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God had been poured in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:1-5

I will be keeping my tumblr up for a little while if you want to talk to me. I also really recommend this devotional about finding your way back to God. I love you all, and a special thank you to those on this website who were there for me when no one else was. If you reblog this, it would bless me so much. Thank you.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Kris

#about me #personal #life story #please read

[amorremanet]

if you're still doing that ten facts thing, Stephen

“ten facts about my characters” meme // previously on…

1. His full given name is Stephen Federico Alamilla Gardener — like Seb, Pete, and their respective siblings, the second middle name is actually his mother’s maiden name, which Stephen’s parents did as their way of striking a balance between honoring his mother’s Puerto Rican heritage and naming customs, and trying not to end up in any situation where filling out various government forms got confusing, or someone tried to question whether or not their father is actually their father just because he’s black and they don’t have his surname.

The one name thing that Stephen is really glad his Mama pulled the plug on is that Marlin wanted Stephen’s first middle name to be, “Federico García” as a double-name, since he was being named in honor of García Lorca, but felt like “Federico” could have come from anywhere. But at least Rosalin went, “No, we are not going to do that to our son. It would be confusing, and a mouthful, and it is a terrible idea.”

So, instead, they just gave Stephen, “Federico” as a middle name and gave their next child (one of Stephen’s sisters) the first name, “Lorca.”

That said, Stephen’s first name is the one that he has the oddest relationship with. For starters, he knows that he was named after one of his Dad’s late uncles, but he has, at various times, claimed to have been named after:

Saint Stephen, the Protomartyr (regarded as the first Christian martyr, as detailed in the Biblical Acts of the Apostles. In fairness to Stephen, he didn’t actually come up with this idea; a Sunday school teacher he had in first grade did, and Stephen just didn’t bother to correct her because she was kind of young and trying her best, and his best friend Yago [Santiago] was being a little pain in the ass, and Stephen was just like, “Okay, sure, I can be named after St. Stephen, if it makes my poor teacher’s life easier, that’s not a big deal.” But he has since made the claim of his own volition, so there’s that.)

Stephen Gordon (heroine of Radclyffe Hall’s The Well of Loneliness. Stephen made this claim in college, because he’d read the book and liked it, and didn’t really care that Stephen Gordon was a lesbian which would’ve made it weird for him to be named after her, because he’d liked her. And he was 19 and trying to make his parents sound ~cooler~ to his friends, like somehow, giving him a literary name was ~cooler~ than naming him after his late great-uncle.)

This notion of his kind of got foiled by his friend [who hadn’t read the book, but had been assigned it in a different class] went, “…But isn’t she a lesbian?” and the only thing Stephen could think of at the time was, “Yeah, but my parents hadn’t actually read it, and it was my Aunt Joanna’s idea.”

Stephen Hawking (which he also first claimed in college, when he was still on the pre-med track and trying to make his parents sound more ~impressive~ to his very white, STEM-y classmates)

Stephen King (though, like Stephen the Protomartyr, this claim was not Stephen’s idea, at first. He first made it to a guy he was seeing in college, after switching off the pre-med track and going into art history instead, and he was actually going to just say that his parents had named him after his Dad’s uncle. But Austen wanted to make a game out of guessing, and he was kind of drunk, so his guesses were getting increasingly ridiculous and it was taking a painfully long time……

So, when Austen finally got to, “Oh, wait, who was that Steve guy who wrote Carrie and Cujo and The Shining? His name was Steve, right? Is he still alive [in 2006]? I heard he was really coked up and got hit by a car,” Stephen really just wanted the game to be over so he went, “Yep, you got it. My parents totally named me after Stephen King. Now, let’s get you home and get you some water, okay?”)

and Stephen Sondheim (which he first claimed in grad school, and he 500% claimed it to impress the guy he was currently crushing on and get the guy interested in him — and he didn’t regret it at first, but would later come to wish that he hadn’t, because Keith wound up being a cheating douchebag, so Stephen regretted pretty much everything that he’d ever done to impress the bastard, and about the only reason why he didn’t let Yago slash Keith’s tires was that Yago has really bad luck a lot of the time and Stephen was pretty sure that he’d get caught)

On another hand, Stephen can sometimes feel weird about his name. This is an underlying part of why he made all those weird claims about where his name had come from (i.e., one that exists in addition to all of the other, more immediate reasons why he’s ever done this), if one that he tries not to think about too often, because there isn’t really anything he can do about it.

Worse, he feels like there isn’t actually a reason for him to feel this way, because in theory, it kind of goes back to feeling out of place because of his name…… but Stephen also doesn’t think this is reflected in the reality of what things were like, during the periods where he feels, in retrospect, like he felt most out of place because of it.

Like, for example, Stephen kind of feels like maybe he feels weird about his name (in a way where he identifies with it and it’s comfortable so he doesn’t want a different one, but he sometimes feels like maybe he should have a different name for reasons he can’t quite articulate), because of some lingering issues he might have with feeling out of place at school… but he grew up in a fairly mixed neighborhood in Boston and went to school with students of many different races and backgrounds, so while it’s true that his two best friends were Yago and Diego, Stephen could also go look at their yearbook and see a bunch of names that were more like his, and a bunch of names that weren’t like his but also weren’t like Yago and Diego.

Or for another example, he sometimes feels like maybe it has something to do with college — but then, he knows that most of the people he knew in college had names that were very much like his, and the ones who didn’t were largely the upper-middle class white kids whose parents gave them names like Ashlynne, Ryvvar, Xavyen, Mikkaylah, and so on (give or take a few [upper-]middle class white kids who had hippie parents, who named them shit like Starr or Sunshine).

Ultimately, what’s going on here is more a general feeling of “out of place”-ness that Stephen doesn’t entirely understand himself, and he kind of fixates on his name because of how he has legitimately felt a little like an odd name out before (like when his fab four in high school was Yago, Diego, Diego’s sister Marimar…… and Stephen), and it’s easier for him to just go, “That’s the ticket, it’s all a name thing,” even when he knows that it’s not really that simple, than it is to deal with the fact that he doesn’t know where this “out of place” feeling comes from or why it exists or what the Hell it thinks it’s doing.

Stephen feels like this is easier, even with all of the mental rabbit holes he’s gone down about how his own personal explanation isn’t really accurate to what’s going on with his feelings, because he really, really doesn’t like admitting that he has this feeling of being out of place and kind of at odds with his surroundings, and he doesn’t know where it comes from or why it’s happening or what it’s doing here. He feels like, if he knew what’s up with it, he could then take care of it and take control of it back from some very ill-defined Something that has apparently taken said sense of control away from him

—but because he doesn’t know what’s going on, he can’t do that, which makes it really difficult for him to feel like he has any of his shit together (when, by most people’s standards, he’s doing amazing at having his shit together, and about the only things that indicate that he might not have his shit together are:

1. his current lack of boyfriend, because having some kind of monogamous romantic relationship is consistently used as a litmus test for how together someone’s shit is, even though that’s not fair and in Stephen’s case, the only things you could really say about his love life, at the moment, are that:

A. he has spent the past ten months dancing around Seb in mutual attraction, mutual interest, and mutual, “oh, no, he’s probably not actually reciprocating anything, he’s just being nice” or some other similar way of, and neither of them is actually going to do anything proactive about it until Seb seriously misinterprets a suggestion from Pete and takes it as, “You should stop being silly and ask Stephen out”

instead of what Pete actually meant, which was more like, “Your love life is kind of a mess right now because you’ve done approximately fuck all to actually keep your ducks in a row with that, and I love you, but for the love of God, sort your shit out and P.S., talk to Todd about your feelings like adults, because you two say that it’s complicated but it’s really not, you’re just MAKING it complicated because you won’t put on your big kid pants and talk to each other about more than immediate issues of consent vs. ‘not tonight, Todd, I have a headache’”;

and B. the guy who Stephen has been doing said dance around with for the past ten months is a recovering addict who has a history of only remembering why he might want to live while he’s in the middle of his latest brush with death, and who objectively does not have pretty much any of his shit together, does a better job of taking care of other people and his dogs than he does of taking care of himself and has to be reminded semi-regularly that this is a problem, is arguably only still alive because he’s a mutant and is definitely only not as bad off as he could be because he’s white and his parents are “old as BALLS”-money rich, with his Dad’s family straight-up coming from legitimate noble stock and everything

—and, like. I say this with all the love in my heart for Sebastian, without whom this entire project would not exist because he was here first and if I hadn’t written an absolutely obscene amount of shit that I intended to just be backstory for an RP character, we wouldn’t be here now…… but he’s a Mess. He is a human disaster, and yes, he’s trying his best and working on it, but it’s completely fair for someone to take a look at him and either question Stephen’s taste level, or conclude that Stephen is probably just interested in a quick fling because Sebastian is pretty

(Which Yago has actually asked Stephen about before, because he was understandably kind of concerned when his bestie and roommate finally decided to spill it about the guy he’s into right now, and Stephen’s description was like, “Well, he’s tall and he’s white, but like pretty, and he has a tattoo of a pansy on his shoulder, he knows Nick, but I’m not supposed to say how they know each other, which I know that you know means they know each other through AA or something but just please keep that to yourself, okay — anyway, Nick is his sponsor, and he was off the wagon a couple weeks ago but he’s back on now. Anyway, I think he must have had a goth phase or something, because he has these Hot Topic arm warmers, I’ve never actually seen his bare forearms and he’s been around the gallery often enough that I feel like I should have? But he’s kind of sensitive about it and gets a little jumpy, so it’s probably best not to push it, right? *shrugs*

“And today, we had a really good talk about Proust — his family is, like, really proud of their French heritage, I guess, so he’s fluent enough to, like, read Proust in the original French? — and then it kind of turned into sharing stories of weird youthful misadventures, and I talked about the time Marimar and I were each other’s dates to homecoming so she could get into the dance and make out with Isabela, while I totally wanted to make out with you but then so did Camilla, and it almost turned into a fight and you were feeling totally stoked on yourself, and he talked about how instead of going to his senior prom, he and his best friend — who is Nick’s other sponsee, and his name’s Pete, you’d totally like him — went into the City with fake ID’s and went to a drag show, and then had to run from some older guy because his boyfriend kissed Seb, and the older guy was a possessive dick who didn’t get that maybe, the seventeen-year-old who’d just been kissed out of nowhere wasn’t the one to be angry with in this situation?

“And, uh, what else can I tell you, uh…… He looks like a sad puppy a lot of the time. He has six dogs, but doesn’t have an Instagram, which seems really silly to me because all he’d have to do is post pictures of his dogs all the time and people would love it, right? I guess at least Pete and Nick would like it if he didn’t try to be funny in ways that actually kind of rest on him putting himself down or making implications that are, like, pretty troubling? But he seems to think they’re funny? He’s apparently passed a field sobriety test while shitfaced at least once, and apparently, there’s some weekend he had in Europe once that started with chatting up a Euro-Disney actor in a bar in Paris on Friday night, and then he exactly doesn’t know what happened, but he wound up in Bruges on Sunday morning?

“And he’s really cute and he has a motorcycle, but I guess he hasn’t ridden it much since he went to rehab last year, and his blush is super-adorable which is great because he blushes a lot, and he’s smart and he doesn’t think he is but he pulled some cool Latin shit out of nowhere last week at the gallery, and I guess he can cook, too, and oh! Right! Did I mention that he thinks my jokes and my puns are clever and funny? Because he totally does, so there and I win, ha ha ha. :D”

……to which Yago’s response was a moment or five of stunned, processing silence, followed by, “Uh. Tebi, I love you, but that is an awful lot of detail for someone you only want to fuck a few times and then be friends with and maybe hook up with, no strings attached, if you both happen to be single.”

and cue Stephen, “………Did I say that? Oh, no, I want to, like, ask him out. If he’s, y’know, interested. And I hope he is? But maybe he’s not? I don’t know, but…… this isn’t like some kind of wham bam thank you ma’am super-weekend shit, I actually really like him?”

—and that conversation was interesting, to say the least, and it involved a brief detour in which Stephen mentioned Seb’s last name and Yago went, “Wait, are they the ones with the liquor company?” and thought that maybe Stephen was talking about trying get Seb to be his sugar daddy [which Yago was kinda opposed to less because Seb sounded like a mess and more because he thought it was like, “Stephen is giving up on love and wants a sugar daddy, he thinks it’s the only thing he can get, what the fuck, HELP THE BEST FRIEND, TO THE YAGO MOBILE”], but it’s also sort of getting way, way, way off the point.)

(Also, the Yago Mobile is a moped. But calling it, “the Yago Mobile” makes him feel cool, just let him have this)

and 2. Stephen is fat. Which doesn’t actually indicate shit anything about whether or not Stephen has any of his shit together, but unfortunately, a lot of people are fatphobic jagweeds and think that him being 6’2” and ~325 pounds means that something in his life is clearly going terribly wrong, even though he’s pretty fit and healthy, he just happens to be fat.

2. His birthday is February 7th, 1984 — he’s an Aquarius, and in The Secret Language of Birthdays (Goldschneider & Elffers) his particular birthday is called, “the Day of Utopia.” Which would probably make him get temporarily kind of interested in astrology for more reasons than, “being nice to Sara Grace and listening to her talk about it even though Stephen doesn’t really find it that interesting, himself,” but the interest would peter out pretty quickly. He’d just think that it’s pretty neat that his birthday is called, “the Day of Utopia.”

Strictly speaking, he knows that his birthday isn’t a holiday, but he’s still the sort of nerd who will tell you that his birthday is his favorite holiday.

If he’s not allowed to pick his birthday, then he will probably say Valentine’s Day, because even if he’s not dating someone at the moment, Stephen loves the shit out of love, and he gets why a lot of people are disillusioned with romance and with how ridiculously prescriptive the world can be about romantic love, and he gets why that (among other things) makes people feel disillusioned with Valentine’s Day…… but at the same time, screw you because he loves love, and he loves celebrating love in all forms, and if that’s wrong, he doesn’t want to be right.

He’s going to have a boyfriend for his next Valentine’s Day, and they’re going to make plans…… only to spend the actual day itself filling out copious amounts of paperwork about foiling a supervillain plot.

Which kinda sucks, sure, but Stephen has to say: stopping fascist supervillains together is probably the most unique date he’s ever been on. Even if it wasn’t actually a date, and they were accompanied by eight other people, and they weren’t on the same team once they split up inside the building, and they had to go to a Republican debate to stop said supervillains from doing their thing and that was massively uncomfortable for all involved because none of them is straight and half of the people they went in with are POC and none of them is even vaguely a Republican, and……

Okay, there were a lot of reasons why that evening wasn’t quite ideal, on paper, but in practice, it was actually pretty cool, and Stephen could totally get into this superhero thing, whether he has mutant abilities or not (which he doesn’t, but he’s okay with that).

And at least he can play footsie and sneaky-flirt with Seb over the paperwork when Holmes isn’t looking — and hey, if they go out like they’d planned but do it on Tuesday (Monday’s out because Seb, Pete, and Nick all have AA), then it’ll be less crowded because people won’t be out for Valentine’s Day if it’s the 16th instead of the 14th

3. Stephen wouldn’t have switched from pre-med to art history if not for needing to get certain gen ed credits, and deciding that he felt like taking an art history class for one of them, which led to a whole semester of letting his actual degree-track classes suffer because he just wasn’t as interested in doing the work for them as he was in his art history coursework.

This really wasn’t a fun realization for him, at first, because he’d hung a lot of his hopes and his plans for what his future would look like (vague though they were) on going pre-med, and then going to medical school and becoming a doctor, but suddenly, he was being confronted with this interest of his that he’d tried so hard to bury because he felt like being a doctor would be the best idea

But between a bit of soul-searching, and doing some more thorough research into some of the actual facts horror stories from people who went to med school, Stephen realized that it really wasn’t what he wanted to do. He’s much happier this way, overall, but there’s still a bit of an issue for him because he feels like he somehow failed a bit by not going pre-med, after working so hard to get there

(—which is actually even more complicated than that, but bless his heart, the most that Stephen’s really dealt with this is with getting it clearly established that his parents don’t think that he failed, aren’t disappointed in him, and support him whether he’s a doctor or a curatorial assistant-slash-drag queen or whatever, as long as he’s happy and healthy)

4. Stephen isn’t completely hopeless in a kitchen or anything, but his repertoire is secretly way more limited than he would like it to be. He has a list of things that he makes pretty well, some that he can make decently, and a very long list of things that he can make well enough to eat but they’re nothing special. The biggest problems for him come when he tries to improvise (because unfortunately for him, he doesn’t really have good instincts about improvising), or when he tries to copy something that he saw on Youtube or Food Network, which almost always ends badly, but at least he tried.

He’s probably best at making cupcakes, but he also doesn’t do it very often because Stephen is a perfectionist about making his cupcakes, and it takes him forever, and they’re cute and delicious and everything, but seriously, it takes him forever and it’s hardcore exhausting

5. Stephen’s favorite song to perform in any context, and easily his favorite song overall, is Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me,” but there are very few things that he won’t try to put a drag performance together for, and he has a huge list of songs that he would call, “go to songs” for karaoke night

He has said for years that Ten Things I Hate About You was such a formative influence, and that Heath Ledger’s Patrick Verona was such a Big Deal teenage celebrity crush for him, that there is basically no way he could successfully resist if a guy asked him out by publicly serenading him with, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You,” and that if a guy even proposed to him like that, he would just about die happy and probably need to be magically revived in order to make it to the wedding (since he takes it for granted that people know he’d totally accept if a guy proposed to him like this).

So far, neither of these things has happened for him, but don’t take away Stephen’s dreams, okay. Please don’t take them away, he’s very attached to his daydreams about a boyfriend who is so in love with him, so Extra™, or some combination of the two, that he will actually ask Stephen out and/or eventually propose to him by singing, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” at him in public like Patrick Verona.

6. There is a matter of some debate about Stephen’s drag (mainly by Stephen, with himself and occasionally either Yago, or some of his friends down at Comet Club, his home bar). Said debate is about exactly how many characters or personas he has, and whether or not all of his different aliases are all separate characters or not.

No one really has a concrete answer, not even Stephen, and most of the people who’ve ever taken part in this debate don’t even have a solid opinion from one discussion to the other.

The thing is, Stephen came up with all his aliases at different times and for different reasons, but any differences in how he performs while using these aliases that could be read as him somehow differentiating between the characters…… largely happened kinda by accident, accumulating through different heat of the moment changes?

But now, they kind of are their own characters, and he taps into different parts of himself while bringing his performances to life with the different aliases, but they all also feel like parts of him so maybe they’re really not separate individual characters, and so, Stephen’s feelings go back and forth and every which way, and he doesn’t really know if there’s a right answer here

Either way, said aliases are: Sister Anarky Skynwanker, initiate of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (D.C. Metro chapter);

Anita Gaymarket (mostly retired, but this was his first drag name, which he started using in undergrad);

Gaiety Dawson Hayworth (used much less frequently, but he used it for a while, and you can still find some old vids of him performing with that name on youtube; he used it toward the end of undergrad and for a little bit afterward);

and Carmen Sodomigo (his most frequently used drag name, since it’s what he uses when he performs rather than out with the Sisters, and it’s about tied with Sister Anarky for his favorite name — and oh boy howdy, does Stephen think that his play on “Carmen Sandiego” + “sodomy” is fucking hilarious)

7. Stephen may not be the worst cat dad in the world (overall, he’s actually a very good cat dad), but oh man, does he ever spoil his and Yago’s cat, Duchess, something awful. She might not be quite as spoiled as she could be, and she’s kinda the kitty version of the Spoiled Sweet trope, but oh man, Stephen spoils her. About the only habit of his that she doesn’t like is when he gets bored and decides to make her a new cute outfit, then put it on her, and get himself dressed up, and take pictures to put up on his Instagram.

Not that Duchess actually understands the Instagram part all that well, but she understands that her Person is putting her in a new outfit for no reason that makes itself apparent to her.

By the time she meets Sebastian, his animal affinity mutation (which isn’t exactly, “can talk to animals,” but approximates it pretty closely, with elements of, “drawing animals to him like a freaking Disney princess”) will be developed enough that he’ll be able to say, with some accuracy, that she doesn’t mind that Stephen is lavishing her with affection but she really doesn’t like that pretty kitty princess dress, it doesn’t fit in a way that’s comfortable for her and she’d probably be happier if he took it off. But she does love him and love getting his attention and affection.

Duchess is also going to be confused about meeting her Person’s new pet stray (…because, bless her feline heart, she is going to think of Sebastian not as Stephen’s boyfriend, but as some stray who followed him home), because she’ll feel kind of torn between: wanting to dislike him for stealing any of her Person’s attentions; feeling drawn to him and compelled to trust him anyway for reasons that she doesn’t quite understand (especially not in light of how, in her mind, he smells like Dog); and really liking the way he scratches her tummy but still not wanting to trust him or like him because how dare you steal her Person’s affections

She’ll get over it eventually. Somewhat. As long as she feels like Seb understands that she was here first.

8. Stephen and Yago dated for a while, a little bit after finishing up in undergrad. It was kind of fun, and the culmination of some on-off mutual pining (and some confusion on Yago’s part, because he’s struggled with trying too hard to be what he thinks people want him to be, and this made him take the long way around figuring out that he’s bi), but ultimately, although they love each other, trying to force it to be romantic didn’t work out for them.

9. While Stephen has never dealt with an eating disorder exactly, he has dealt with disordered eating (as in, “he has dealt with some unhealthy patterns here, though they were not quite consistent enough for Stephen to personally consider them, in his words, ‘a fully-fledged eating disorder’”) — which I really wanted to go into more, but it’s almost 2 AM and I’ve been writing this all night, through rounds of being dragged into irl drama that I wanted no part of, so it’s getting skimmed over a lot because if I try to talk about it too much right now, I’ll screw up everything

But one of the biggest points for Stephen was that he spent years abusing his own body and feeling like shit in his own skin to try and stay as slim as possible, because he’d been led to believe that there was no room in the LGBTQ community for fat gay men unless they were older and basically married already, and for all he’s more at peace with his body now and so much happier now that he’s not beating himself up like that, Stephen still has some serious lingering issues about that period of his life

Like, it’s a big deal for him when, on their first date, he and Seb get showing off old pictures of themselves that they have on their phones and/or social media accounts, and Seb’s reaction to one old photo of Stephen, Yago, and some of Stephen’s friends from undergrad is not just accurately picking Stephen out (as opposed to asking which one is him), but then also going, “Oh my god, you look miserable. Yeah, you’re smiling, and it’s a good fake smile, but you look so tired and stressed out and sad — I mean, you look nice still, I didn’t mean to say it like you don’t look nice or like insulting you? But you still look so sad”

It’s a big deal to Stephen because most people who’ve seen that photo in the past few years, whether they were dating him or not, have instead said something like, “Oh my god, you were so thin, what happened” or, “You looked so hot, then. I mean, you could go back to that, right?” — and he’s not even thinking about that, at first, when he pulls the photo up to show it to Seb. He’s just thinking that it’s one of his favorite old photos, because it’s from a spring break trip that he, Yago, and their old friends took to Seattle, and it was a really great trip, and the photo is cute

—but then he pulls it up and he’s expecting something like, “So, which one is you?” followed by the, “Oh my god, what the Hell happened, you were so thin” thing, and then that doesn’t happen, and then he’s caught off-guard by that and opens up a bit (at least enough to explain some of what happened and why he’s so caught off-guard), and then he hears, “Yeah, you were cute and all, but? I think you’re beautiful now,” and then it ends up not being an attempt to get Stephen into bed immediately

—and this isn’t quite what Stephen expected, but it means so much to him that it only ends up being ever-so-slightly eclipsed by the, “oh my god, he actually is interested in me after all and I haven’t just been making it up, YAGO I KISSED A GUY AND THE WORLD GOT ALL PINK AND HAPPY AND *has to swan around their apartment with Duchess, singing ‘I Feel Pretty’ from West Side Story and dragging Yago into participating, and can’t explain himself until after he’s gotten this out of his system*”

—yeah, as I was saying.

That only ends up ever-so-slightly eclipsing the more long-term meaningful and more significant part of their first date because it capped off said date, it was a really nice kiss, “pink and happy” is approximately how both parties felt, and there was a huge sense of relief, because Stephen has twisted himself up into so many knots and fallen down so many rabbit holes over wondering whether his flirting was too subtle, or maybe Seb just didn’t like him, or maybe this wasn’t going to amount to anything, maybe he’s getting his hopes up for nothing, maybe they’ll go out and Seb will decide he’s not into Stephen at all, and so on

—so, being flat-out told that Seb is into him and getting a nice kiss to go with it? Yeah, that sort of briefly overshadows literally everything else (including hearing that Seb was nervous about all of the same, “what if he doesn’t really like me, what if he’s just being nice, what if he decides he doesn’t like me after this date” things as Stephen was)

Anyway, it’s now 2:15 AM and this was the last point I wrote out, and I’m tired, so I’m tagging this and going to bed

10. He loves sudoku puzzles, cuddling, kissing, soft pretzels, libraries and book stores, green tea (especially with different kinds of fruit infusions), questionable puns (which he’s only marginally better at delivering than he is at telling jokes, but that doesn’t mean a lot, because it’s not that hard to do better than laughing at his own joke before he even gets the punchline out), having his hair played with, mint chocolate, dancing, swimming, Cherry Coke, the aquarium, and the hands-on science museums that let you actually touch stuff and screw around with it.

#saralanceing #stephen gardener: precious disaster #ten facts meme #memes for ts #that story with the mutants that i should find a working title for fml #ocs tag #oc questions #mine: writing #seb x stephen #stephen x yago #ask box tag #longish post// #there's a bit of discussion of body image and mental health issues #but it's mostly inexplicit and limited to like 'this thing happened; it was a thing'

[katzirra]

You know... I just don’t understand some of the actions being taken by Cheeto in Chief and his administration tbh. Like... The EPA thing. Why. Why do you feel the need to get rid of that?

Like why are we targeting some things, that are blatantly in place for a reason. I don’t understand the appearance of just...?? Setting our country back?

Like hur dur the race stance I get because fucking white people and white men specifically are just fucking -long drawn out shitting noise-  but like....??

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS NEED TO ALSO FUCK OVER THE ENVIRONMENT AND THE WORLD IN WAYS LIKE THIS?? That’s such a fucking STRANGE thing to go after?? Like... cutting corners on government funding to fill his own pockets or something?? But I’m just?? I...????

Like I’m so tired from this presidency already?? I’m so tired of hearing people try and tell me he’s going to make my life easier because he wants to do things for ME, the lower middle class~ but it’s like... where. Where do you see this. I’m so tired of reading “he won, get over it” like okay, you voted for him. Why. Explain to me in a civilized manner why you voted for him, that isn’t racist. Because nothing he’s doing is benefiting me. Nothing he’s doing is benefiting any of the majority of America and it’s honestly draining the life out of me.

I don’t like how my own family keeps telling me what he’s supposedly going to do for me and I’m seeing more hostile actions towards me, and even WORSE towards minorities that we don’t need to be stirring more shit into their lives.

But I don’t fucking UNDERSTAND.... why.... he is trying to get rid of the fucking EPA...?????? LIKE.... THAT KEEPS US SAFE?? HOW ARE THESE THINGS CROSSING DESKS AND NO ONE IS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE’S A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH.

HOW COME WE HAD A SCANDAL AND WE WERE LIKE “FUCKING GET NIXON/CLINTON OUT.” and yet?? AND YET??? IT’S BEEN A MONTH AND THE COUINTRY IS GOING TO BE ON FIRE SOON WITH HOW TIRED PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET.

Like holy shit this fucking generation I’m a part of is so mentally and emotionally FUCKED UP from the generation that raised us to set our bar so high, only to never live up to their end of the bargain - but want to call us slackers and shit talk raising the living wage and just -RUBS MY FACE-

LIKE I’m 26 and living at home still. I can’t move out unless I have a job that pays upwards of $15/hour to live okay... I can’t move out unless I had a bigger income or a room mate. My dad brags how he got a shitty little house when he was 18 all by himself.

This country doesn’t live to benefit ANYONE but people already lying and cheating and benefiting from the loops in the system and it’s killing me slowly.

I’m tired every fucking day I come home. And all I can think is how tiring it is applying for jobs too, because requirements and -yells so much into the void-

We’re such a fucked generation, and yet we’re lazy?? We work multiple jobs because we have to, not because we want to and we’re lazy??

I’ve taken to snapping at fucking people who try and make small talk with me about poor service. Standing in line at the store? If someone my age or older says something about the service? I tell them “Yeah well, if you knew anything about running a store you’d know you can only have so many people on the floor with payroll and sales.” because I get so fucking tired of people making it sound like THERE SHOULD BE MORE PEOPLE HERE TO SERVICE MEEEEEE.

I work at a store where we have maybe 4 people in the morning until close. You have a manager, maybe a framer??? a cashier or two and if you’re lucky, someone on the floor besides that backup cashier and the manager - who MIGHT be our framer too~!!

If the line gets backed up? Too bad, we can only do so much. We can only SCHEDULE so much. If we get bad weather or something? Payroll is affected because sales tanked, so we have to cut hours.

THAT’S HOW BUSINESS WORKS. AND IF YOU WORK RETAIL YOU GET THAT. IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT PEOPLE DOING THEIR DAMN JOBS.

Im sure you could do better, if you had to do the same menial job every day, every week, month to month. I’m sure you’d not be tired some days. I’m soooo sure you’re sooooo good at it.

People who say that shit to me in line for small talk make me snap back to my Gamestop manager persona of laughing and looking them up and down and making snide comments about the world not revolving around their every fucking need. The fuck you with a smile attitude. I just mm.

This country more and more bitches about people who are working shitty jobs, who are trying to gt by, and yet doesn’thelp us better ourselves. Do you want us all to jsut kill ourselves? Then who will mak your shitty coffee in the morning for you? Gosh.

I just don’t fucking understand how I’m told I’m going to benefit from this stain on humanity.

Why he’s tearing our country down, and making it worse than it already was?

Like, America is by no means perfect or wonderful for a plethora of reasons? But there are things I appreciate about it? And I wish Obama got to do the shit he wanted because he really... cared. Like it’s heart breaking at times just how much resistance he got when he actually cared about trying to make something of this shit show of a country.

But our current Mini Mitten’d Chief is just really into dropping trou’ and shitting on it some more.

I am so tired of my sister telling me he’s not doing things he’s doing. That he’s not trying to do the shit he’s trying to. Telling me I’m wrong. That he doesn’t hate people. That the LGBT or ANY POC or differing religion from American brand Christianity, aren’t being threatened.

Someone reblogged something the other day about... Christianity vs Americanized Christianity? And it’s an intersting point I never thought too much on tbh. You get people quoting the bible to tell you everything that’s wrong. All the ways you wont’ get into heaven. America has weaponized the Bible. Made it rules. Threats. Light up your life with Jesus and only him or you’re going to hell.

I read the bible 3 times through in my life. The only thing the bible tells you really is to respect your fellow man and don’t be a fucking twat. Mind your business, and don’t fuck with other people and their god damn SHIT. THAT’S WHAT IT’S TELLING YOU.

RESPECT EACHOTHER AND TREAT EACHOTHER KINDLY AND BE PATIENT AND KIND WHEN PEOPLE NEED IT AND YOU’RE PRETTY SOLID.

Everything I hear used WEAPONIZED is out of context, and is also really misinterpreted over the years to the point I fell out of my slight religious backing I use to have. The fine print America puts in is... -nauseated noises-

The post in question was about some sermon directly reading from the bible in relation to current events and people WALKED OUT. and it really drove home the point - there’s a VERY different Christianity in America.

But then again, as a whole, it’s pretty altered and corrupt so what does it matter :))

I am losing more and more faith in the world and maybe that’s why I treat things so finalistic anymore. Something bad happened? Cool. Get over it and move on because life is long as fuck but it’s also short if you waste your fucking time sweating shit that doesn’t matter.

Someone was a fuck to you? Cool. Drop them and move the fuck on. They don’t care about you, and they’re a selfish pig so you shouldn’t waste your energy.

I’m.... mm. I’m so burnt the fuck out on the world and being alive. I just want to lay on the floor and die.

Like humanity is a fucking blight on the world anymore.

I just...

I got into a post because  don’t understand getting rid of the EPA for anything more than?? MONEY?? I GUESS?? Bitches about job market, and says he’s gonna bring jobs back to america - YET OUTSOURCES TO VARIOUS COUNTRIES TO MAKE MERCHANDISE FOR HIS SHITTY BRAND NAME...?? AND?? THOSE JOBS?? COULD?? BE HERE?? BUT YOU DON’T WANNA PAY??

HOW ARE YOU PRACTICING WHAT YOU PREACH. HOW DOES ANYONE TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY??? HOW DID PEOPLE VOTE FOR YOU?? HOW FUCKING STUPID IS AMERICA???

I’M FUCKING DYING. I WANT TO DIE. LIKE FUCK, WAS BUSH NOT ENOUGH? WAS REAGAN NOT ENOUGH??? WHY DO WE NOT QUESTION THESE FUCKING CHOICES.

FUCK.

AND THE KICKER TO ME IS STILL THAT HE DID THE SAME SHIT WE ALL SAW PEOPLE BITCH ABOUT HILARY DOING WITH A PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER??? BUT HE’S JUST HIT ON THE WRIST.

WHERES HIS WITCH HUNT.

WHERES THE FIRE.

WHERES THE COMPLAINING NOW?

Oh, right. He’s a white man. I forgot for a moment.

I’m so sick of this country. I use to not mind it and use to find things good about us, but man. I fucking hate it.

If you hate it, get out then.

Okay. Please buy me a ticket to leave, because I can barely afford life. So, please.

Americans are exhausting as fuck, tbh. The people who voted fro our currnt train wreck ...mm. Especially.

#kat talks #political nonsense

[jessi-31days-blog]

Day 3, Tuesday, October 3rd

I wake up at 9:30 am, attack my phone alarm with a vigorous "fuck that" and set it again for 10:30 am. My alarm goes off at 10:30 am, and I officially wake up.

I fell asleep around 1:00 am last night, and I mentioned yesterday how I love my 9 hours. I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight. I had a dream that someone was trying to force me to drink blood, so if any of you super cool dream interpreters can guess what that means, let me know.

Yoga class - "Pranayama Yoga To Move Energy" - 12:34:

SIKE!

 Apparently while doyogawithme.com has lots of free classes, but a few videos are subscription only. So when I click on the link to this video and see "subscription only" I simultaneously roll my eyes and harshly exhale out of both nostrils at this minor inconvenience. Ah, yes, minor inconveniences; the bane of any millennial's existence. The same video is provided for tomorrow, so I will have to find yet another replacement for it for day 4. Okay, now for real this time...

Yoga class - "3 Yoga Breathing Exercises for Anxiety" by Caren Baginski on YouTube - 7 mins:

If you try this video, you'll noticed I picked a pretty easy video for today. It was very helpful, especially the switching nostrils one (forgot what that one was called). I'll need to remember these when I have anxiety.

Guided Meditation - "Transform Yourself" - 15 mins:

Okay guys, I have a confession to make on this one. My brain could not shut off and I was too restless, so I only made it through 8 minutes of this guided meditation. I tried to follow the imagery of imagining light flowing through my body, and I did my best but it didn't help much. One thing the speaker said that I will mention is that you choose how you think and feel about yourself, your life, and your surrounding. And while people with mental illness such as myself can often think the opposite, that you can't control how you feel or think, in many ways you actually can. More often than not it's within the means of actually forcing yourself to replace the negative intrusive thoughts with positive or realistic thoughts than actually making yourself feel something, but if and when you continue to make yourself think healthily, you'll start to feel better emotionally. This is easier said than done, but it is true.

Read a Proverb - Proverbs 3:

This is a pretty famous chapter of Proverbs for Christians and Catholics of the world. In it are these verses, 5 & 6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." I first read these verses in early 2010. The fact that I can actually remember the year is pretty cool, since my memory pretty much sucks. Actually, my memory basically works of it's own will, selecting at random what information I will and will not remember. Anyways, these verses have always had a lot of meaning to me. It pretty much sums up God's intended experience for a person who believes in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and His salvation. That's why I don't worry too much about how my life goes and the way I choose to live it. As long as I'm saved, and I believe I am, regardless of what happens to me, I know how things will turn out for me in the very end.

The rest of the chapter reiterated the theme of Proverbs, which is to delight in wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, so that you live a good life. It ends with some good general pieces of advice for life: use common sense, when you see someone who needs help, don't hesitate to help them, don't hurt people, don't pick petty fights with people, don't act like violent people act, and if you dedicate your life to wisdom, you will "inherit honor".

Blog post - TWLOHA - "Beyond Shades of Gray" by Sharleigh Thomson:

At the beginning of this article, Sharleigh defines how we as a society talk about something clear and defined. "You've either attempted or you haven't." But then she begins to describe what she calls a gray zone as the place where you desperately want to escape from the pain and being willing to die to do so. "A place where you might have the means, the will, the plan, the note—everything but the follow through." And good fucking god, I know what the gray zone is like. I instantly identified with the author of this blog post. She proceeded to describe how she was once unable to find the words to truly explain her experience and her pain. That there weren't enough syllables in the English language to describe just how hard what she was going through was. She started talk therapy, but had trouble opening up and finding the words to explain herself to her therapist. He suggested that she start writing down how she was feeling. My therapist told me to do the same thing, and I reacted the way Sharleigh did: with stubbornness. At that time she believed that writing was some sort of cop out. I used to believe that if I couldn't find a way to say it out loud, how the hell can I get it one paper? Well, as I've discovered, the opposite is true sometimes. If I can get my thoughts, whether they are complete sentences or not, out on paper (or most likely, the notes app on my computer), then I can form the way to say it out loud. As a matter of fact, writing down my train of thoughts has lead me to more epiphanies than I ever expected... I've got to start doing it again.

Finally, after another suicidal episode, Sharleigh gave in and began writing. She said that it started out dark and emotional, but eventually became something personal, beautiful, and hopeful. She found a way to break down her problems in her writing. Then she began to write plays, poetry, and blog posts about her experiences with mental health and suicide. Hey, I'm doing that last thing now! What a coincidence.

I haven't written poetry since I was a teenager. My poetry back then varied in quality, a good portion of them being angsty emo depression poetry about how much I hated my life. But I'm sure if I looked back into my old journals (which I somehow still have after losing the rest of my belongings over the course of a few months before moving to Florida), I could find two or three good ones. I wish I remembered how to write poetry. Not that it's all that hard, so long as you're good with words. But I have no idea what to write a poem about. I don't want to write one about my depression or anxiety, because I have grown to enjoy poetry that ends on a positive note, and I have yet to find a positive note for a poem about depression. It's not that I'm this huge pessimist, I know there's a light at the end of this dark ass stanky ass tunnel, but I just don't know how to end a poem anymore. I don't like writing poems about nature, because those are boring. I have a sense of humor, but for some reason I'm put off by funny poems. Oh well, maybe I'll find something to write a poem about someday.

As the blog post starts to near it's end, Sharleigh tells of how she rebuilt herself through writing, and how while she still feels darkness, she's still willing to keep creating things and searching for hope when times get hard. I'm trying to have that same attitude. Practice makes perfect, I suppose. She ends the post with some encouragement to stay alive, to find a way to make your voice heard, and most importantly, to find what you were made for. I appreciate the encouragement she offered, and I hope others who read that article find comfort in them, but more often than not I read inspiring words and ideas and they have little to no affect on me. It's the reading equivalent of "in one ear, out the other" (in one eye, out the other? I don't know). But when push comes to shove, I do get it. Really, I do. And she's not wrong. I suppose one day I'll find myself smack dab in the middle of what I was made to do. Maybe I'm doing it now. Regardless, though I don't feel encouraged, I'm choosing to be encouraged. I'm making it my state of mind rather than waiting to feel warm and fuzzy. It's all I've got right now.

Encouraging someone on reddit - r/anxiety:

I found an easy one. And when I say easy, I mean I had the experience to give to this person who was nervous about increasing their dosage of their antidepressant. They said they were afraid that increasing their dose from 10mg to 20mg would make them feel "weird". I let out a light chuckle when I read that, because if any psychiatric drug is gonna make you feel "weird" (or in my case, a fucking zombie), it's not the antidepressants; it's the antipsychotics. I told them about how I was misdiagnosed a year ago during my mental breakdown and was put on some VERY HEAVY antipsychotic drugs, which made me act like a robot. Ask my dad, he saw me a lot at that time. I had no emotions. My mother, who at this point lived across the country from me, even noticed that I was different. Now I'm not saying antipsychotics are bad, because some people really do need them. But if you don't need them, they definitely make you more numb than anyone needs to be, and not the "high" kind of numb, but the "I feel literally nothing; good or bad" kind of numb. I then told this person that I have had times in my life where I was only on an antidepressant. I've tried a bunch, and coincidentally, along with my vast experience with psychiatric medications, I've also experienced being on Lexapro alone. So I told them it doesn't make you feel weird, and that it is more likely to help them than anything. Or a bit less likely (but still possible), it could just not work for them at all and they need to try a different antidepressant. All in all, I hope I at the very least encouraged them not to be afraid to increase their medication, so long as the doctor says it's best.

Walk:

The neighbors came by today to let us know a few sex offenders live in our neighborhood. One guy even lives just a few houses down. Fortunately, all the ones closest to us are child sex offenders, so I'm pretty sure I'm too old for them to want to assault. Regardless, my mom made me take her stun gun with me while I went for my walk. I listened to another one of my favorite bands, Gazpacho, this time. It was nice and peaceful. On my way back a dog started following and barking at me for a few yards, until its owner got it to go back to its house. I laughed as this was quite amusing. Instead of getting followed by creepy sex offenders as my mother fears, I was getting followed by a medium sized brown yapping dog. When I got home I felt refreshed, and my depression went from like a 8 down to a 6, so there was some improvement. End of Day Notes: I don’t know if I feel any different yet. But then again, it’s only the end of day 3. Any noticeable improvements seem small: the morning pranayama yoga centers and calms me for the day, I’m starting a routine which always brings a sense of accomplishment, I’m learning a few things from what I’m reading, and I’m getting better at giving encouragement or advice. So at least it’s something. P.S. I promise I’ll make this blog look pretty at some point. I could have done it today, but along with all my goals, I spent 3 hours cleaning to whole house, so I didn’t have time to work on this blog’s appearance. 

#self improvement #jessi-31days #mental health #yoga #meditation #challenge #depression #anxiety #change

[truthbeetoldmedia]

The Bold Type 2x04 "OMG" Review

To be perfectly honest, this week’s episode of The Bold Type was a chore to review. This was definitely a filler episode, setting up our characters for future conflicts as well as resolutions, but the main plot points didn’t resonate as impactful or even important, even though I’m sure they were intended to be. Sutton’s conflict about her new work connection and the Kadena declaration of love were the only exceptions.

In this episode, we see Jane go on a few official dates with Dr. Ben. Unfortunately, this storyline seemed forced and resolved too soon. It also doesn’t help that Dr. Ben is the most boring character I’ve seen recently on television — during one of their dates (playing Scrabble, guys) he refers to pizza as “za” in a horrible attempt at a joke. Is he Jane’s date or her 55-year-old step dad? Unfortunately, instead of that moment coming across as cute, it was just cringy.

We also learn this episode that Dr. Ben is pretty religious, praying before him and Jane’s lunch without a preface. Jane is caught off guard, and that’s pretty understandable. The only people I know that pray before they eat are my grandparents, and they both work in a literal church. We also discover (along with Jane) that he has a tattoo of a cross on his forearm.

By the way, a quick Google search confirmed that doctors aren’t allowed to have visible tattoos, but I’ll forgive this one as an obvious plot device.

Jane is not only caught off guard, she’s put off by Ben’s obvious religiousness. While discussing this with Kat and Sutton they bring up a good point: why does religion have to change their relationship? Kat is dating Adena, who is Muslim, and Jane herself used to have a Jewish boyfriend. Why is she fussing about religion now?

I’m actually on Jane’s side here — being religious and spiritual are two different things. Religion can be really offputting for certain people, millennials especially. The percentage of Americans who declare no religious affiliation outnumbers those who identify as Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist combined, with their numbers comparable to those who identify as Catholic. I wouldn’t mind a potential partner being spiritual, but being so religious that they pray before a meal? That seems like a large chasm to cross.

We learn later on that Jane’s distancing from religion came from her childhood, when her mother was diagnosed with cancer and died shortly after. She was told to pray for her mother, and when that obviously didn’t work, those around her tried to comfort her by saying that it was alright and that her mother was with God. I have to ask — how is this comforting? To a child, especially? Jane is supposed to find comfort that her mother is no longer with her? This caused her to become disillusioned with the church and with God.  

Back to Sutton and Kat’s point — Ben’s religion is too close for comfort. Her Christianity growing up didn’t look like Judaism or Islam, so she can separate her feelings easier. With Ben, the similarities are too close to home. He’s praying to the same God that let her down, and that makes her incredibly uncomfortable.

Jane ends up apologizing to Ben, explaining her childhood, and Ben in turn explains how he manages to be religious and function as a doctor in a scientific world. Basically, Ben admits that God is a comfort to him, especially after all he’s seen as a doctor. Despite this deeply personal monologue, Ben is still such a flat character that to be honest, it’s difficult for me to even care about Jane’s character arc this episode. I’m sure this religion storyline was meant to add some depth to him, but I’m not feeling it.

Dr. Ben is such a cliche — he’s a doctor with a big heart who works too many hours at a hospital that doesn’t pay well, all to serve the community. He fills out paperwork for his patients when they find it too complicated or time consuming. He has a quick and slick answer for everything Jane asks, and any time he talks about his job he descends into a heartfelt speech about “doing the right thing.” He dances with a women who is about to give birth as a quirky way to get the labor going — honestly, he reads like a fanfiction character that dies tragically in the third chapter to teach the main characters some kind of moral lesson.

We also see Jane meet up with Ryan (fondly known as “Pinstripe”), her former….lover? Friend? Co-worker? This looks like the beginning of a love triangle, according to Sutton. Pinstripe’s smooth, playboy persona is definitely the polar opposite of Dr. Ben’s way too strong moral compass. After briefly helping Pinstripe get some good gossip stories for his job at Page Six, Jane decides that she doesn’t want to be the type of journalist that benefits from ruining other people’s lives and exposing scandal.

Now, this can’t be the last we see of Pinstripe, and I HOPE this is close to the last we’ll see of Ben. For once though, something refreshing is happening on the internet (don’t @ me) — instead of the “Team Ben” vs. “Team Pinstripe” war that I was sure would take over The Bold Type fandom, we have a third and better option: Team Jane. This option emerged pretty quickly, suggesting that no one is really feeling either of these men as possibilities for Jane. While Pinstripe is infinitely more interesting than Dr. Boring, it would be great to see Jane explore her career as a badass journalist. Interesting doesn’t equal the best choice, ladies. And neither does boring.

Let’s move on to Sutton — again, the only part of the episode that didn’t seem flat. We know by now that Sutton is the true definition of a go-getter, but we do see some of her insecurity peek through this week. While introducing herself and Kat to an influencer named Brooke, it’s hard to ignore the fact that Sutton isn’t as far along in her career as she would like to be. Both Sutton and Kat have been at Scarlet for the same amount of time — four years — and while Sutton JUST made the promotion to fashion assistant, Kat has been the head of her own department for a while now.

She also finds herself comparing her success to Brooke, who also works with the fashion world. How did she find so much success while Sutton works so hard and seems to be going so slowly? Kat responds with “You work hard, you hustle,” but Sutton does all that. It turns out that Brooke’s mother is a buyer for the high end store Barneys; apparently connections are also a huge part of success.

Having connections and access is a huge hurdle when trying to break into an industry, and more often than not this part of success is left out of the “American dream” narrative all millennials have had forced on them. We all know that hard work is important, but not a guarantee that you’ll make it as many people treat it. There’s a tendency for older generations, or people with obvious privilege, to assume that those who aren’t successful or who don’t make a lot of money simply haven’t worked hard enough. I wish that this was the modern topic of the episode, not the religion storyline that fell flat and probably didn’t resonate with many people.

In an attempt to make some of these allusive connections, Sutton goes out several times with Brooke and her well connected friends, which leads to them putting a $500 “miscellaneous” charge on her Scarlet corporate card. When confronted, Brooke casually admits that she added some “party favors,” aka cocaine, to the bill. After some panic, Sutton accepts the charge, willing to take a few risks to help her career along. By staying close with Brooke, she has access to everyone that Brooke has access to. Sutton is no stranger to making sacrifices for her job, but it’s a little hard to believe that an entry that amounts to over $800 would be easily accepted as just “client drinks.” I’m guessing that this is going to be a pressure point for Sutton going forward for at least the next few episodes, if not the rest of the season.

Now for Kat and Adena. While better composed than Jane and Ben’s story this episode, Kat and Adena’s brief conflict also fell flat for me. The whole thing was a bit clumsy — Adena gets an invite to a friend’s party at a local lesbian bar. She doesn’t want to go, but Kat insists on meeting the people in her life. Once at the bar, Kat realizes that they’re basically surrounded by Adena’s ex-girlfriends. This makes her a little self-conscious. To make matters worse, when she asks Adena how many sexual partners she’s had, Adena avoids an actual answer and instead says, “the past is the past.”

That’s the sound of a red flag, everyone. While there is most likely no reason for Kat to worry, Adena’s dismissal and refusal to answer the question leaves Kat more worried than before. Is Adena hiding something? Sutton makes things worse when Kat confides in her and Jane about this. Apparently Sutton asked the same question, and received the same answer, from her college boyfriend who happened to be cheating on her. Now, I’m sure Adena isn’t cheating, but it is odd to me that she refused to answer the question. If the past truly has no bearing on the present, then what harm is there in sharing with Kat?

At this point, Kat is a bit of a mess. She’s spiraling, and jealousy isn’t a good look on her. She overanalyzes every woman that Adena seems to recognize, remembering that she and Adena started to become close when Adena was still dating her former girlfriend.

Eventually Adena does open up to Kat, but the conflict seems unnecessary. When Kat opens up about her worry that Adena could easily move on from her, Adena assures her that this isn’t the case. She’s risking a lot to be with Kat: she’s trying to find work in a country that doesn’t want her, she’s missing being home for her mother’s birthday to be in that same country; she wouldn’t be making these sacrifices if she wasn’t truly in love with Kat.

I will concede that this was a great moment for Kat and Adena, and Adena’s explanation of what she’s going through to be with Kat was very well-written. But the conflict could have been easily avoided, and for a couple that have been so open with each other in the past, it seemed slightly out of character.

All in all, this episode was a miss for me. Two out of three of this episode’s storylines were weaker than usual for The Bold Type, so let’s hope they bring the usual fire back next week. Without Dr. Ben.

The Bold Type airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on Freeform.

Alyssa's episode rating: 🐝🐝

#The Bold Type #OMG #Kadena #Sutton Brady #Religion

[gsmatthews95]

Road trip: a microcosm of travelling. A Reflection upon holidaying

So. So. Wait third time lucky, so I am now rewriting this piece almost two years later t than I originally intended. What? Yeah that’s right. When I was contributing to christyful’s blog when we were in Vietnam about 20 months ago my final piece, a magnificent creation if I say so myself, was supposed to be on the highs and lows of travelling (or holidaying if you’re me, a less glamorous term but one that I feel is more accurate to the experiences had when abroad). I wrote it upon the rooftop of the flip flop hostel in Hanoi in Vietnam, a cool hostel that was a mini party hostel, lots of fun. But yeah I woke up one day and decided I have the time and motivation to write this masterpiece that encapsulates the beauty of holidaying, and, in my eyes, outline just why it can be so addictive. It is not all about the immense sights, the once in a lifetime moments always. I’m going to put my slightly controversial opinion forward, this will not be solely about my time in Australia I’m going to pick through my various holidays to really try to emphasise my point. It is my opinion that it is the rollercoaster nature of holidaying that makes it something so addictive and fun and that forces you to grow as a person. It is the lows that make the highs just so high, every feeling you have is doubled in magnitude, meaning that the best moments are incomparable to your best moments at home and the worst can feel even worse than anything you’ve felt when being at home.

Disclaimer: this post will be nothing like the previous one, it will be longer and more in depth but I can’t vouch for the end result, but I reckon it’ll be better.

Disclaimer 2.0: sorry family if you haven’t heard any of these stories before, I didn’t want to worry you.

So, the lows, the downs, the parts of a holiday you regret and may wish didn’t happen, these I believe are completely imperative to your experience and to making you grateful, even thankful for the time you’ve had. You may think in your life. Actually no. You think in your life (or at least I do a lot) what do I regret doing/not doing, it’s only human to think like this however negative it may feel because you think how can I improve. We were even sat round the fire the other night and someone asked “what would you have done differently in your time in Australia or barossa?”. I do this more than most, call it my perfectionist tendencies (or attempted perfectionist at least) or just my self critical nature but I think it is necessary to think back over the good and the bad (mainly the bad) to self improve and to truly appreciate the greater and more impressive moments of your life, and more accurately for this piece, your holiday.

So I got rethinking about this idea when I was reminiscing about the road trip and how not every single moment was perfect and nice, of course it wasn’t WE WERE CAMPING. But still I will look back upon it and remember the good times and the amount we saw and the amount of fun we had. For this reason I see he road trip as a microcosm of holidaying in general. We will always look back upon these times with rose tinted lenses remembering the best and most emotive times, when really there is just as much time spent being unhappy or down (please don’t read this thinking I’m depressed or doing my own weird twist on 13 reasons why by the way. Also what a series, we’re rewatching season one and I’m addicted, bring on season two, but that’s hardly the point of this rant). What I mean by this is that, like on a 2.5 week road trip where you’re camping in free camp sites eating pasta pesto or noodles every day, not everything you do is a amazing and memorable and if you think of the trip as a percentage you’ll find a large portion, probably the majority we were tired, hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, annoyed at each other or just quiet. This is only natural though when you’re spending so much time together in the desert driving for so long. But when you are in this state you appreciate the immense natural formations and experiences even more. For example when we got to the Mataranka hot springs after five or six hours driving the car was dead as I was writing, Chloe was plucking her legs, and Matt was looking at WikiCamps (I know what a cool group of people) but as soon as we got there the stupor was broken and energy weighed through us as we all got ready, chatting, laughing and joking. We then proceeded to having a sick time. The point I am trying to get at here is that you can’t have the best time 24/7 and sometimes it takes some worse times to make you fully appreciate the good. I know, knowledge bomb. I’m now gonna take a little trip down memory lane in these next paragraphs.

Now picture this there’s an 18 year old kid, he’s on his first big trip away from home alone. He’s been gone now for four months and has had a bangin time. Done new things, met new people and he’s done it all alone. Big learning curve. There were a lot of ups and downs on my gap year: getting wrong buses, getting too drunk, being threatened by a druggy local to name just a few of the downs, while I don’t believe I need to really explain the better parts, to read of these go look at my other blog that I had when I was on the gap year. All of these memorable moments and incredible places and sights that I had never seen and certainly won’t see for another long time, especially with my already long and always growing list of future holidays, were captured on my nice little digital camera, actually I think it may have been dads (sorry dad). I had never had the chance to back them up with no access to a proper computer. Guess where this story is going, yes I was on a bus and fell asleep with my bag at my feet and when I woke up a few hours later, the camera was gone. Great. A couple of thousand photos maybe, gone. But this made me realise, what are photos really? Do I really need them? Should I really mourn their loss? No. A great lesson was learnt that day, photos are nice, good memories but in the end as long as you remember where you’ve been, don’t cry about losing them. It also meant the next few months were better as I took the bare minimum photos possible and had an infinitely better time of it. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of my lost camera I rose and soared away to better times, that metaphors sounded better in my head.

We move on. Now I’ll take a look at my 20 year old self in Honduras, a dangerous country where I was making the journey from the border to the city with the highest percentage of murders per capita. Ok. Should be fine. The day was long I’d started in Guatemala and was embarking upon a 7 part journey or so including 2 boats, 3 buses and a taxi, ah no it was a six part journey, got it. I had done the hardest part of this colossus of a voyage and was at the border, it was about 3pm, not too bad I think. I stride across the border looking for my bus I’d just jumped off to get my passport stamped and couldn’t see it. Where could they be? I doubled back and chatted to the conductor in my suspect Spanish. What I gauged wasn’t great, the bus terminated there, eek. But he said it was fine there was a bus to San Pedro just over the border. I headed his words and wandered aimlessly with great trepidation scared for my safety. I got to the buses. There were a few, bangin. I asked each where the were going. No. No. No. then I found my bus, my vessel to safety. When do you leave mate? The response, 2-3 hours. Hmm bit long was that would get me into the murder capital at around 8pm. No thanks. I was stuck. Wondering what to do. I had no choice. So I got talking to some old Honduran men, it turned out they were going to San Pedro with a pickup truck. I jumped at this. Can I come with you in the back? They said yes but they had some places to go first. I didn’t care I jumped in the back with a load of bananas and a Honduran man and we were off. Still scared but at least heading towards my goal, I chilled briefly. They stopped a number of times at tiny villages and I asked why, naturally. It transpired they were bible salesmen, yes please. Men of god. The weirdest, luckiest and probably most memorable experiences of my life. It came from one of the scariest moments of my life. And the sense of relief just compounded the memorability and joy of that trip.

Sorry for the ridiculous length of this piece, I’m getting quite into reminiscing. The last segment of this essay, Vietnam. Mine and Christians little adventure. Anyone who has met me since this trip two years ago will undoubtably know which experience I will describe now. Many of you will have seen the video. Or maybe have seen my dramatic demise in sport (read sport as quidditch and squash). Yes I am talking about the great motorbike crash of 2016. It was massive. I won’t describe the actual ordeal or else we will be hear for hours more than we will be already. Setting the scene though, we were on the Ho Chi Minh highway. 70km from the nearest town and 100 from the nearest hospital. I crashed... straight over the metal barrier. Bike screwed and knee, also screwed. I know poor vocabulary choice but I feel it’s an accurate word for both. We had a task ahead of us, made no easier by the ten Vietnamese who had crowed around me and were offering no help. My first moment of clarity was when I yelled to Christian to get the keys our of my bike, even though there was no way it was driving. With no real medical supplies we did our best, Christian (genius) cut two socks open and slid them over my knee like and tubey grip and gave me 8 painkillers (still not enough). My job, stand up and start to try and put any kind of weight on it. His next task sort out the bike, the battery had fallen out. Apart from that there was no major damage but half the bike looked like it was falling off. We had to drive the 70km with the day fading, as we’d had to wait for me to recover, while I could not use my right leg (and consequentially, the back brake). Christian gave me a kickstart as I could not and I drove off, one leg hanging out and he followed me. When stopping he had to catch me as I rolled in slowly and help me off (my hero). We were 10km away and the rain started, oh I forgot to mention my lights didn’t work. But though all this we made it. We got codine and I lay in bed. To date the proudest achievement of my life, and at the time ones of Christians too. To make it to the hostel under those circumstances was something else I won’t forget.

Sorry for rambling like mad, I’ve enjoyed writing this a lot. I went quite off point but this is a blog and I’m not being marked so I don’t really care. Basically holidaying is full of ups and downs and without the downs you not appreciate those ups.

I hope hope you’ve Enjoyed this little reflection.

G out

Xo

Unlucky one

Reflection

[glowingstill]

The Silent Treatment

A Painful Struggle in Prayer

I wish I could tell you that I always have a fantastic prayer life. Every word out of my mouth is a prayer to God. That I follow the verse in Thessalonians…pray without ceasing. That heaven itself waits with bated breath for my every word.

I can’t. Except for that last part. Christ in heaven is waiting for my words to come. When they do, sometimes, they repeat the phrase, “Lord, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m confused…I don’t know what to do.”

For those who don’t know me that well. Let me give you a quick synopsis. I have been in a church (probably) more than the average person in life. My Dad was a missionary pastor. Which means, unless I was vomiting or blazing with a fever, I was always in church 3 times a week. Also, we were faithful attendees for revivals, mission conferences, pastor meetings, and the occasional 2 p.m. service on Sundays after “dinner on the grounds.”

I have heard about prayer my entire life. I can recite different styles for quick prayers or how to do timed ones. I can pray through the alphabet as my guide, and memorized different passages concerning prayer. I learned the Lord’s Prayer so long ago, I don’t really remember having to learn it. I’ve just always known it.

Consistent prayer, daily prayer is extremely difficult for me.

This is nothing new, I have struggled with this for the past 37’ish years. If I were to compare it to a diet, I am a chronic yo-yo dieter. You name it, I’ve tried it. I have seen some successes and failures

And yet, when someone comes to me and tells me that they are praying for me, I’m touched beyond belief.

So why am I writing this? Why even bother praying or have a prayer life? I keep failing over and over again. I struggle bringing myself to my knees. The words fail me, what should I say?

The various styles of prayer haunt me. I want to get it right. Should I start with praise or should I just blurt it all out? How reverential should I be? Please don’t read this the wrong way, I do not wish to demean a Holy, Powerful God at all. Yet, I know that He is my friend. His word says that He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother(Proverbs 18) and He is also a thrice-Holy God (Isaiah 7)

“Oh, what peace we often forfeit. Oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry…everything to the Lord in prayer.” What a Friend lyrics

I pray because I need help.

This is often the reason most people pray. They feel the pressure of life pushing them down. A hard situation. Someone is sick. A test is looming. A change is desired.

While the most popular, this type of prayer is the weakest. It is comparable to a short-cut. Just a way to get from point A to point B as fast as possible. No real change in me has been made. My life has been made easier.

I pray because I sense a pulling

Several summers ago, I worked for 6 weeks in Maine. I had recently been downsized from my job in the hospital where I worked and needed short employment. So I found this sleepy-little hospital to work to earn some extra money. While the pay was incredible, and so was my 6 weeks in Maine, the hard part was my family was not with me. My children stayed in Virginia with my mother, and my husband worked full-time in Tennessee.

I was all alone. And for a while, I enjoyed it. Getting to explore a new town, new sights. Staying up as late as I wanted, watching TV that was not kids’ cartoons, changing diapers…you name it, I was loving life. And then day 22 hit. The wave of loneliness swept over me, and I really began to struggle with missing my children and my husband. Each day, my husband would call me, and we’d chat for a while.

Each day, I (looking forward to his call) felt that familiar tug of my heart wanting to be with him and just share with him my day’s happenings.

Prayer with the Lord is the exact same thing. A pulling, a tug of my heart to chat, a sharing of what is going on.

I now pray words that I mean and threw the guides away

When I traveled to Maine, I had to use my GPS all the time to learn how to get around. But after about 3 weeks, I stopped using it. I didn’t stop traveling or driving to work, but I didn’t need the instructions anymore. I still got to work without getting lost.

In prayer, the parallel is the same. The guides are there just for the purpose to guide me. Does the Lord want a prayer that follows a strict-guideline? Or, does he just want me to talk with Him? Does He want to hear the alphabet of prayers or His child who pours out her heart before Him?

Nothing is wrong with using the GPS to get around a town, and neither is nothing wrong with using guides or strategies to help you pray better. But, as I grew in the Lord, I came to realize that really talking in prayer is what I felt I needed to do.

Prayer Changes Me First

The questions, in the previous paragraph, may seem silly, but the questions are still poignant to me. Why? Because I have come to realize, that when I’m worried or stressed, I want to do everything correctly. And while that SOUNDS good, it’s not.

Prayer is not like a recipe or a formula that when done correctly, God pops into your life and suddenly changes things.

Prayer is not like a recipe or a formula that when done correctly, God pops into your life and suddenly changes things. #myprayerlife #marriage #christianity Click To Tweet

Yes, He can heal. Yes, He has the power to miraculously change situations, and provide protection in scary situations. He can change people, events, and even the weather. But that is not my decision to make for Him. I can ask Him, but the answer is His alone to give me.

The work that is done in prayer is less about changing circumstances and is more about changing me. Changing me to realize that I cannot make decisions without Christ. Helping me to understand that I need the Lord in my life. Molding me to become more dependent on Him and less reliant on my thoughts, emotions, and will.

My prayers repeat the phrase, “Lord, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m confused…I don’t know what to do.” The on-again, off-again yo-yo diet of prayer leaves me anxious and confused.

Will I ever learn and actually keep praying? I don’t know. The previous 30 years of failed histories make me want to say no.

But here’s the thing. I see my lack of praying in my prayer life (my silent treatment to the Lord as a failure. And I don’t discount it or try to excuse it. I know I should not do this) and remember that forgiveness is a prayer away. That closeness again with the Lord is as simple as picking up the phone and speaking. My silent treatment ends when I humbly realize that (once again) I need the Lord.

Is this an excuse to be a yo-yo praying Christian? No. It’s not.

Read also: A refuge found in Christ

Neither is a reason to give up on prayer entirely. A true waste of a life of prayer life would only be me giving up completely on prayer.

In my deepest, darkest moments, what really got me through was a prayer. Sometimes my prayer was ‘Help me.’ Sometimes a prayer was ‘Thank you.’ What I’ve discovered is that intimate connection and communication with my creator will always get me through because I know my support, my help, is just a prayer away. Iyanla Vanzant

I am thankful that the Lord has not given up on me. He tenderly reaches down through His word and reminds me that He loves me. He treats me tenderly as a Father does His child. And simply asks me to stay and talk a while.

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. Jeremiah 31:3

And when I do, suddenly, I start to realize that I’m the one who was needing this all along.

Previously published on Faith Hacking on May 17, 2018

The post The Silent Treatment appeared first on Glowing Still Johanna Galyen.

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#marriage #life lessons #personal development

[jess-oh]

Reflection

why hello there!

it’s been a while. again. i’ve been pretty busy and my trackpad has been acting up lately but i thought it’d be good to journal now. so whats been going on?

i recently skyped with jeanne and lauren and both conversations were satisfying tho i do wish we couldve gone deeper. i bought two organizers on the whim from target yesterday and it has made my life so much easier. adulting is weird but it’s kinda fun. i was able to facetime with my sister today and it was really nice. we both shared and updated each other on our lives and i think we’ve both become a lot more grateful for each other recently, especially with what happened to Robbin. sometimes i wonder how people would react if i died. by killing myself or otherwise. and im also really glad to know that my grandpa is doing a lot better. i dont think hes cancer free but i dont think hes in suffering anymore and thats honestly a huge relief. i wasnt sure if i could handle losing him too. and my sister brought up a good point that even tho it has been financially difficult for our family, God’s timing has always been perfect. when he first lost his job my junior year of high school, it was right before his dad got sick so he was able to take charge and care for him until he ultimately passed. and the time after that, my sister isnt sure what happened or the timing of it. but this time, he was let go the day before the pipes started leaking so he was able to take care of it instead of the weight of everything being on my mom’s shoulders. shes already been so busy with taking care of her parents and balancing work and church and my sister and i being in college so it was really nice that my dad could be there and they could rely on each other instead of my mom being alone in all this. i do feel bad bc i guess my dad’s car recently broke down and im sure just the weight of everything recently has been really heavy for him. like it’s his dad that passed away. it’s his mom with parkinson’s and depression. it’s his nephew that had a heart attack. it’s his sister that was in so much pain. i still remember her cries and wailing screams bc she was just in so much pain over Robbin and it really hurt me to see her like that. it really did. it still hurts me now. it’s him who has been laid off and let go so many times for reasons out of his control. and i do feel really bad for him and want to take the time to chat him more often to make him feel better. he recently became an elder and im really proud of him. and this is definitely a lot to handle and has taken a toll on all of us. but most especially on him. :/ but yeah, talking to my sister is always nice bc she knows what im going through and we can bond over our mutual grief. but i was still upset earlier. not at her. but i was thinking and i think p josh pities me for all of my misfortune. he threw so many compliments at me on thursday and it didnt really sit right. it was almost too much. and i think it’s bc he feels bad for my misfortune but i dont want to be defined by my hardships.  i want to be defined by who i am now and who God calls me to be. not how many things have happened thus far. and maybe that’s partly my fault bc i do think i adopted the victim mentality to some extent in all this but as my sister as shown me, it’s just a part of life. and it’s happening now which is unfortunate but it is and we just have to accept that and move on. i learned so much about Robbin after he passed and he’s inspired me so greatly to become a better person. to be more compassionate and caring and understanding. he really lived life to the fullest. he acted way more Christian than any of us ever did. he did what he loved and was so generous. he really deeply cared about those around him and we never gave him that love back. i wish i pressed deeper with him. who cares if they judge me? who are they to judge me for wanting to create a deeper connection and to be there for them on an emotional level? i think im still upset bc it was one, so sudden, and two, bc i cant help but remember the moments when i couldve spoken up but never did. i just stayed silent and let other people talk instead of inputting my own perspective and i cant help but wonder if things wouldve been different if i did stand up for him. i miss him so much. what if i defended him and actually reached out to him. would he still be alive now? but yeah. i think my grandpa(mom’s side) has really inspired me too. to face death head on. he knows hes getting older and getting closer to death but he has so much trust and faith in the Lord that when he goes, it’ll be the right time. and thats so hard to do in practical terms. if i got hit by a car tomorrow, in my dying moments, would i really be able to just rest in peace, knowing that God chose for me to die at that moment in that circumstance? really? i think ive been getting better at coming to terms with it and in that scenario, i think that i would. but if i was kidnapped and raped and killed, would i feel the same? i would really love to be a martyr for Christ. I really would be. And while I am fine with dying for him, there are times where I still stumble with my faith. There are still some times where I shake in it and I feel ashamed of it. But God is everything that I am and have and I know who He is in my life and should have full confidence in Him but sometimes I do admittedly waver. But I am proud of myself for having gotten so much bolder and more open with my faith. I’ve brought it up to my co-workers and friends and peers and casually mentioned church. Sometimes I’m a little afraid but God always prevails and they always respond well and with interest. And I’m glad to be showing them who God is to me in my life and leading a life by example that will hopefully influence them as well.

#reflection