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itostea · 10 months

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bllk boys with a shy!reader pt. 2 (rin, nagi, & oliver)

warnings: suggestive!!

rin:

I feel like Rin finds you really cute

you’re in the middle of eating some cookies and a few crumbs land on your cheek

rin sighs and wipes your cheek gingerly, making a few remarks here and there but most of his insults are half-hearted

but when he leans closer and cups your face you just completely malfunction 💀💀

no thoughts at all.

and he leans back to gauge your wide-eyed look and see how look of surprise paints your face

he can literally hear how loud is heartbeat from just seeing that

his thoughts are just “oh shit that’s cute” as he just stares at you with a blank-eyed look

like i kid you not, he’s just stone-faced while his mind is just screaming at how cute you are

you have to say his name multiple times to grab his attention but all he does is just lean in and kiss you

the kiss gets more intense and you’re like why is he acting like this all of a sudden 😭😭

he just leans away after that and goes “sorry” then leans in for another kiss

yeah. idk. he’s very touchy in private

whenever you get nervous and hide behind him, he just gives your hand a squeeze and kisses the top of your head

the first time his team saw him do that, they went 😯😯😯

he’s so soft for you he doesn’t even care that they made fun of him for a month straight

rin isn’t very verbal when he is, it is always worth it for the both of you

especially for him

the first time he said “i love you,” you completely exploded and couldn’t maintain a single conversation with him

it was so amusing to him that he couldn’t help but chuckle, the sight making you watch in awe

anyways… he finds you very cute, like seriously. He’d do anything for you

nagi:

I feel like he acts oblivious to how easily flustered you are just so he could tease the shit out of you

he does it so naturally too 😭😭

believe it or not, I 100% believe this man would make a bunch of dirty jokes just to get a reaction out of you

you’re just so meek when he says dirty things so forgive him!!

one time you weren’t paying attention to him because you were reading a book and he just took it away from you, watching as you jumped on your feet to try to reach it

“Sei just give it to me already!”

“Huh? Hmm maybe tonight.”

he said that so casually that you didn’t catch the innuendo until a few minutes later

the moment you realized, he just shrugged and gave an amused smile

“I didn’t say anything weird, pretty… you’re just dirty-minded”

yeah… 💀💀

okay other than the dirty jokes and stuff… he’s understanding once you tell him that you’re pretty shy around people

he usually prefers being alone so he can empathize but he doesn’t push you to be more social

oh yeah prepare for surprise hugs

let’s say you’re cooking up a snack or meal and all of a sudden, you find his arms circle your waist, his breath hitting your neck as he says “i’m home”

GOWNIRFQ2E[FP ?!

he’s also the type of guy to suddenly pick you up and put you on a table so he can rest on your lap

it's literally heaven for him.

he gets to see your flustered expression AND be at peace laying on your lap

so yeah.

get used to his displays of physical affection 💀💀💀💀

oliver:

oh man he’s going to love teasing you (in an affectionate way ofc)

he’s met his fair share of women and you’re the only one who’s actually tugged on his heart strings

he thinks you’re the cutest! your meekness just brings him at ease

bro is a womanizer but he realized he had to settle down with you! like he’d be a fool not to

it happened when you were getting nervous going to a party and meeting new people

he loves you but he was literally just admiring how good you looked in your dress

you’re rambling and he’s just smiling because he loves when you’re open with him

but then you gaze at him with a bashful smile and say “but since you’re going i wanna go so…”

he lowkey just stared before he was like “okay yeah i’m marrying you”

and you’re like “HUHHH????” while he’s like… “did i stutter? we’re getting married 🤨”

he’s just really soft around you

HOWEVER… like i stated before he’s gonna love teasing you

like ygs will be kissing on the couch with him hovering above you and he’ll lean in before he just stops, grinning at you coyly

you’d be sighing all meek and stuff, trying to lean closer but he just laughs

“you gotta tell me what you want baby.”

HE’S SUCH A TEASE UGH

and when you finally ask him to kiss you again, he goes in for a quick peck, leaning back up with a toothy grin

you’d stare at him and impulsively ask “that’s all?” and he’d just go “that’s all? what, you want more?” knowing damn well yes 😐😐😐

trying to pull him down doesn’t work either bc this man is REALLY jacked

when he gets his fill with teasing you, he’ll just lean down and shush you with a kiss

and he makes sure it’s a kiss. the type of kiss where a hand slides down your waist while another cups your face. that kind of kiss 😩😩😩😩😩😩

once he pulls away and gauges your expression, seeing how you couldn’t even think straight and look and him, he just pats your cheek

“thought you wanted more?”

don’t take his teasing too seriously… he’s doing it bc he’s in love and that’s his love language 💀💀💀

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a-sip-of-milo · 7 months

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Need a reason to live?

Recently, I made four polls with eleven reasons to live in each. Most of those reasons were given to me by people who have also been suicidal in the past, and I decided to compile them into one long list (plus some) for anyone who needs it to come back to when they're out of reasons to keep going.

⚠️ Disclaimer: Please do not turn this into one of those "ALWAYS REBLOG IF YOU SEE" posts. Thank you. ⚠️

Relationships

Your furry companion(s) (this means pets and friends who are furries <3)

Your friends

Your family

Those who look up to you

To reconnect with someone you haven't seen in a while

Your headmates (specific to those who are apart of systems)

There's someone who isn't around anymore who would want you to keep going

To eventually be a mentor to someone

To make sure your animals never have to sleep alone

To fall in love

Your partner

To meet your online friends/mutuals

To tell your mentor/the people who raised you with kindness that you made it

To see someone close to you through their final days

To make it big enough to eventually provide for those you care about

Your FP (personality disorder specific)

Group photos with your (found) family and friends

To help your friends do the same

The friends you've yet to meet

A promise you made to someone special

Acts of kindness

To be there when someone needs you

To see someone smile because of you

To make a stranger's day a little brighter

To hand out compliments to those who need it

To make the world a little bit better before you go

To treat the people around you the way you wish you'd been treated

To be the one person in someone's life who is there unconditionally.

To help someone you love to quit an addiction

To do charitable deeds

Affection

Hugs from someone you trust

Kisses from a partner, close friend or pet

Cuddles when it's cold/lonely

To laugh until your stomach hurts

Forehead touches

To hold someone so tight that they're wheezing

Doting on people when they're feeling down

To make the people around you laugh

Interests

That new game/movie/show/book/album/etc. that you’ve been waiting for

Telling everyone and anyone who will listen about your special interest/hyperfixations

To share creations that aren't appreciated enough

To save up for something that would make life more bearable

To finally complete a collection

Projects would be left unfinished

To travel

To complete a project you've been working on for a long period of time

Projects you've yet to come up with

To start participating in special interests you've had to put on hold

To laugh at the creations you made when you were younger and less experienced

Those who consume your work would never get to see another creation of yours

Spite (because I think spite deserves Its own section:))

To stick it to your abusers

To prove your younger self wrong

To prove the people around you wrong

To prove your younger self right

To prove the people around you right

To spit on the grave of someone who hurt you

As a big 'fuck you' to the world and everyone in it who tried to silence you

To outlive your enemies

To do something that you've never been allowed to do (get a piercing, tattoo, cut or dye your hair, etc.)

To show off your success to the people who doubted you

To make sure whoever hurt you doesn't win

Milestones

You've got a milestone of some kind that you'd like to reach before you go

To see your (future) children reach a milestone of their own

To see a birthday you never thought you'd make it to

To graduate from school

To see your wounds from self-harm heal

To experience old age

To get married

To recover from your eating disorder

To experience independence

To start/complete your transition

To go on your first date

To get your first job

To adopt a child and give them the life that they deserve

To rescue a pet and give them a home

To purchase your first car

To rent/purchase your first house/apartment

To have your first child

To lose your virginity

To experience the joy of knowing you escaped/got through a bad situation

To eventually publish your own book/art piece/etc.

Miscellaneous

To finally get diagnosed with something important

So if nothing else, you can still say you survived

You have a bucket list you'd like to complete

To live because you want to, not because others want you to

Comfort drinks with someone you love

You wrote a letter to yourself that you can't open until a certain date/birthday

Those rare and valuable pieces of media with good representation of a minority/marginalised group.

To read through past conversations with people and cringe/laugh/cry.

All the different foods you've yet to try

To see the world become more accommodating to those who need it

To watch the seasons change

To celebrate the holidays

For those days where you do feel okay, perhaps even good

To eventually replace the stuff in your closet with things that represent who you are now

To read back on journals and diaries you made when you were younger

If you are not in a place where any of these help, that's more than okay as well. It will be here if and when you ever need it. Being suicidal can be extremely lonely and scary and we all deal with it in different ways.

If you have your own reason and you feel comfortable sharing it with me, let me know via asks or DM and it will be added as soon as I can 💞

#reasons to live #npd safe #bpd safe #did #osdd #tw eating disorders #tw self harm #tw death #tw abuse #mental health #positivity #neurodivergent #cluster b safe

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luv4fushi · 1 year

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streamer!inumaki headcanons

jjk - inumaki toge

content: fem!reader

warnings: none

streamer!inumaki doesn’t wanna admit that he has a crush on you. a BIG crush. his entire chat makes fun of him for doing the absolute most whenever he plays with you.

streamer!inumaki always begs you to play with him. he’ll change his entire stream schedule just to match up with yours. he’ll sit through hours of a game just because you’re on it.

streamer!inumaki is extremely good at fps games. he trolls first round, but when he tunes into your stream on his second monitor and sees you pouting, he immediately sits up and starts trying.

streamer!inumaki types corny “sit” messages in all chat whenever he gets a kill. he tells you it’s to mess with the enemy team’s mental. in reality, he just likes the way your eyes light up whenever he gets a kill.

“nice!!! you’re so good, toge!”

“am i really?”

“of course! i’m glad you’re on my team so i can get carried hehe.”

“i should get a reward for that.”

“…”

streamer!inumaki defends you from sexist men. he gets on the mic and yells curse words until he’s chat banned. he doesn’t regret it because he gets to hear you giggle with glee.

streamer!inumaki subtly flirts with you on stream. he’ll hint at how he thinks you’re cute, and how he thinks how you two should hang outside of streaming together. it’s not subtle at all. his chat raids you with “date him already PLEASE he’s so annoying” comments.

streamer!inumaki has a bunch of fan girls that absolutely adore his voice. he replies to every “please marry me” comment with “sorry, i’ve got a girl” even though he does NOT have one.

streamer!inumaki has an absurd sub goal to ask you out. his chat makes fun of him for being such a loser. it’s all fun and games until YOU donate subs to reach it.

streamer!inumaki forgets to turn off his face cam during the end of his stream. his chat nearly explodes when you walk into the frame and give him a kiss. “oops… i think i left the face cam on… i guess it’s time we come clean.”

a/n: toge is SO fun to write. he’s canonically a troll and i feel like he’d be really good at video games. here’s a treat for u toge lovers bc you guys never get any content lol

#inumaki toge #inumaki x reader #toge x reader #jjk x reader #jjk x fem!reader #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #streamer inumaki toge

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alligator-tearzz · 8 days

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R.I.P Van Der Linde Gang 💔 You would have loved:

(seen a few ppl do this,, if you started this definitely lmk and I’ll credit u !!)

updated to add Kieran and Sean

Dutch - Self help books, those podcasts where people give you terribly incorrect health information and claim that they’re doctors

Uncle - The massage chairs in malls, Frank Gallagher, insane reddit stories that definitely never happened, scamming disability cheques from the government

Abigail - iPhone’s share your location feature, the Parent Teacher Association, audiobooks

Arthur - Remote control racing cars (aarwh it’s a toy boat!), the catch and cook youtube videos, Cowboy Carter by Beyoncé, free healthcare mayhaps…..

John - Maury, The sassy man apocalypse on TikTok, Sitting and watching Bluey in a trance with Abigail after Jack has already gone to bed

Miss Grimshaw - Supernanny, Judge Judy, Spas, Massages, Bear Grylls probably, Bed Bath and Beyond

Sadie - Streetwear, absolutely bodying men on FPS games, Rage rooms

Charles - Axe throwing to get the frustration out, wildlife protection acts, David Attenborough, ATLA

Javier - The head massage you get when you get your hair washed at the salon, edibles, Guitar Hero, collecting vinyls

Hosea - Game shows like The Chase and Deal or No Deal, Dolly Parton probably, cruises, community libraries where you take a book and leave a book behind

Strauss - Cryptocurrency, whatsapp scams

Mary-Beth - Wattpad, Ao3, Booktok, you name it. Those fanfic movie adaptations like After, 50 shades of Grey etc, Cottagecore aesthetic, Taylor Swift, TikTok edits, Bridgerton

Tilly - Those ‘Day in the Life of’ Tiktoks, Jazz bars, Chloe x Halle, cruises as well

Karen - How To Get Away With Murder, Bottomless brunch, Reality shows with a bunch of drama like Love Island or Married at First Sight, Ru Paul’s Drag Race

Bill - Mardi Gras, Brokeback Mountain 😋, Home Depot, probably, those giant American cars that are on the verge of being trucks, Call of Duty

Pearson - Those late night infomercials that show random kitchen utensils like a garlic mincer or a nutribullet blender, Reddit, Spending money on E-Harmony, standing in the club and staring awkwardly at a woman, Dungeons and Dragons

Lenny - Online self paced university, Jordan Peele movies, Studio Ghibli movies, Noise cancelling headphones, The Last of Us

Kieran - Animal crossing, Saddle Club, the Wikihow “how to talk to girls” page, taking horrible advice from tik tok just because the person who posted it sounded trustworthy, astrology probably

Sean - Getting drunk at local football games and heckling the other team, claiming he’s not into Karen’s reality shows but then standing there watching the whole episode with his arms crossed while asking her about every single person and their drama, would most definitely be famous for yapping on Twitter, Derry Girls would be his fave show

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noirvette · 1 year

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main 3! gaming headcanons!!

i missed kennys birthday because of my college classes wtf happy belated bday to kenny

a little off topic for the post but ive been playing around with the idea of making a band smau (after hours by 777bambi is so good every update got me at the edge of my seat) and ive primarily been focusing on that as of late so my next few posts might just be headcanons

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and gaming with their s/o!! cw: implied nsfw on kenny's part

♡ STAN MARSH

Thinks it's great to game together, an easy way for you guys to bond and have fun!!

He kind of likes the more nostalgic games, like super mario bros for the wii (this made me look up the game to confirm it's age and it was made in 2009 wtf??)

Let's you be player 1 but the catch is that he gets to be luigi

Stan prefers playing games on the wii (and switch) and or the ps4/ps5. He's a console kind of guy.

Prefers playing video games at your house and he'll even bring the necessary consoles over if needed just because if his dad sees you two playing he's going to whine to Stan about joining in.

Aside from nostalgic games he's also an action game multiplayer fan, lot of games he has is stylized to be fit for multiple people, so think of games like "It Takes Two" or even the multiplayer parts of Pokemon SWSH / Pokemon SV.

If you're a more single player kind of person, he definitely doesn't mind watching you play while cuddling. Would probably fall asleep watching you play.

I could see him playing Stardew Valley co-op with you if you convince him, but doesn't enjoy the whole farming thing too much

He marries Abigail in retaliation for making him play it with you. (Marry Shane and he will IMMEDIATELY divorce Abigail and beg you to marry him)

He still definitely plays multiplayer pc games with his friends, but sees no real joy in playing it by himself (think like valorant or league)

HOWEVER, if you want to play those games with him? Total tryhard but the really bad kind of tryhard.

Considering he only plays these games with Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman and doesn't play it on his own time he kinda sucks lol.

Screams "YOU'RE BAD" into his mic when he actually downs someone. Screams "WHAT THE FUCK" if he gets downed that Sharon comes in running like "Stan are you okay?!"

He gets so frustrated when he dies that he starts literally pouting. Let him get the final kill if it's just you two against one.

Insta-locks on Sage just to heal you only in game

"Sage heal? Sage heal?" -your poor other teammates

You carry him in these games tbh.

♡ KYLE BROFLOVSKI

Unlike Stan, Kyle loves games like valorant, league, etc. He gets to let out his rage easily by winning

When he loses everyone in South Park knows, he's so mad. However he rarely loses so South Park is safe.

Out of his friends he's for sure got the most amount of kills and wins.

Screams "LETS GOOOOO" when he wins LMFAO. Then gives you a victory kiss.

FPS games is Kyle's specialty. He's def an omen main or something.

If FPS isn't your thing or if you're not good at it Kyle gets it. If you're willing he'll show you how to play (and how to get good fast) however just don't play with him, if you're lagging behind (even if you're new) he's so annoyed, but never mad.

Is willing to play other games with you 100%. Also thinks it's great to game together, even if your guys' gaming genres don't match he's willing to play what you like.

Mario Kart is your guys' go to. You always win against him which leaves Kyle in shock so he often demands rematches.

Ike joins with you guys sometimes and you both initially let Ike win. Ike gets mad though because he wants you both to play equally with him, so when you play fairly he still wins because Ike is just that guy.

Kyle is more of a pc gamer than anything, but if console is up to bat he's an xbox guy. Still is a fps guy on console but it's all single player.

HATES fortnite lol. Doesn't get the hype over it at all, he thinks the mechanics are stupid and won't play it. Might if you beg him to but.. you so owe him.

Is more of the guy that prefers you to watch as he plays, however has no issue if you want to take over playing and he watches, he makes you guys snacks to have while you play.

Avid minecrafter tbh, played it mainly for Ike but then got addicted. So now he makes you play it with him too. He's definitely the "miner". Goes all out on making sure you both have the best armor and weapons. Has a shit ton of diamonds so he made you a diamond shovel for the hell of it even though it's a dumb thing to waste diamonds on. Made you a pink wool heart behind your house when you were gone.

Also an avid tile matcher (think candy crush), begs you constantly for lives. Please give him lives he gives the MEANEST puppy dog eyes.

♡ KENNY MCCORMICK

AVID HORROR GAME ENJOYER LOL

Literally any type of horror game is his go to game. Also likes those RPG horror games (think like ib, the witch's house, misao)

Sets you up by saving right before a jumpscare and then has you come over to play it with him and then you get to experience the jumpscare.

Late night horror game playing with Kenny <3 where you two just play roblox horror games all night, sometimes he puts in the comedic horror ones just so you guys can laugh at how bad it is.

He borrowed Outlast from Cartman to play on your console and you still have nightmares.

"Don't worry baby, nothing can get you when I'm here!" "What if you're NOT here though :(" and then cue him as Mysterion for the next 3 weeks to protect you.

Demands to be princess peach or rosalina in any mario game you guys play. If only one of them is an option and you take that character he will refuse to talk to you until you give up the character

Is also another minecraft enjoyer but likes scaring you with Herobrine LOL and that one scary jukebox disc.

"(Y/N)...." "What Ken?" "Herobrine is outside our door rn" (Y/N) left the game

He also likes watching you play games. Lays down with his head in your lap watching you play.

Kenny prefers multiplayer games that aren't limited to just two players only multiplayer. Only because Karen can play the game with you two then.

If you do happen to playing a two player only multiplayer game and Karen wants to join he lets her take over for him.

Kenny also loves puzzle like games (think like escape room games or keep talking and no one explodes).

Really he just loves seeing your face get all frustrated when playing these kinds of games. He rarely gets frustrated with things like these because he manages to somehow always figure it out, but doesn't say anything just to watch you get annoyed.

If you start getting really frustrated at the game and he notices, he does one of three things; he takes the controller or your phone away and turns on a new game, he actually solves it to spare your sanity, or he saves the game and helps take your mind off of the game and onto something else.

#stan marsh #stan marsh x reader #stan marsh headcanons #kyle broflovski #kyle broflovski x reader #kyle broflovski headcanons #kenny mccormick #kenny mccormick x reader #kenny mccormick headcanons #south park #south park x reader #fluff

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kinokoshoujoart · 16 days

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is it really toxic yuri if she doesn’t demand you cut off your fingers for her happiness???

”You have given me gifts over 10,000 times. Congratulations!” haha happy wife happy life…. (my fingers are stumps)

as some of you may or may not have realized i am powerless to the siren call of the ultimate devilish blond Harvest Moon Scum Man, and given that the Japanese version of DS Cute gives you TWO saveslots and TWO hands and the ability to to be in a literal toxic lesbian best friendrriage with ultimate devilish mischievous blonde Harvest Moon Scum Woman i have no choice but to meet all of the Witch Princess’s super reasonable honey do list!!

so one of those fun little non negotiable requests from majo-sama is that you need to give her presents 10,000 times before she’ll even consider marrying you, even if you meet all the marriage requirements!

i don’t mean 10,000 items total— even if you give her a stack of 99 items, it only counts as +1 towards the “items given to witch” counter. you have to give her 10,000 items individually…

in normal gameplay (giving her 1 gift a day, accounting for the holidays when her house is closed) you’ll eventually reach 10,000 gifts!…in your 95th year!

you COULD give her 100 gifts a day every day and knock it out in less than a year, and this was my strategy at first! i quickly realized adding another tedious daily chore to a pile of tedious daily chores slowed the game loop to a crawl and splitting items out was really fucking annoying actually

on the other hand, in 5 IRL hours, you can just get it all done in one visit to her house and never worry about it ever again.

“wow, that sounds like a really great use of my limited time on god’s green earth! how can i too win my future wife’s heart through button mashing my fingers into a pulp?” you ask?

˚✧₊⁎optimized pro gamer technique for breaking your fingers yuri style!!٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶⁎⁺˳✧༚

you will need

dog (each time you show your pet, this adds +1 to the gift counter the same way a gift would)

the bottom screen should be the map screen (reduces loading time between conversations compared to having your rucksack open)

cast endurance on fingers (wait this is redundant, you saw yuri in the title…)

ideal but not required

sometimes when you enter her house, she’s facing the side and her walk cycle never starts. it’s great if you get this glitch because then you can just stand in place for the entire duration without having to look at the screen, and even like watch a movie or whatever while you do all this, instead of accidentally dropping your dog every time she walks to the other bookshelf

if you’re wondering “wait, doesn’t Witch Princess hate dogs and love cats? why are you showing her your dog?” you are absolutely correct! she yells at you to get that stupid beast away from her every time you show your dog to her! her FP goes down by 3 each time! however, since her response to the dog is shorter than her response to the cat, you end up saving like .6 seconds per conversation, saving over 1.5 hours total, so the dog is what she gets

anyway, in true Karen HM64 tradition, after being repeatedly harassed by having a dog she isn’t fond of shoved in her face ten thousand times in a row for like five hours straight, naturally this makes her want to marry you! who said good old fashioned courtly love is dead?!

* as a small note, if you care enough to keep track and give her an actual gift at the 10th, 100th, 1000th, and 10000th mark, you’ll get 4 of the limited Witch Photos early on, which each give you +1 sweet sweet farm degree points every day… honestly that’s not much, but the pain of being told “your hands are full soooo no reward for you lmaoooo sucks to be you” was too much to bear, so i kept track and used a normal present for the 10th, 100th, 1000th, and 10000th…

#my pony has TWO HANDS and they are both MANGLED!!!#i’m normal about hmds i play hmds in. a normal way #i have a walkthrough that i wrote for my own playthroughs because i like to do things in a certain order #half tempted to post it sometime to see if anyone has more efficient ways of doing things #queue tea pie #bokumono #harvest moon #harvest moon ds cute #harvest moon ds #hmds #hmds cute #witch princess #hmds witch princess

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warcoaxed · 10 months

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On Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve

Or: the disjointed post where I diagnose Q!Forever with BPD-like tendencies in regards to Q!Philza.

Anything from this point forward is about the characters only.

continue reading under the cut!

1. On Brunim's entire existence.

One of the first real moments we got with Forever were his interactions with Philza and how he quite instantly got attached to him. While quite comedic at first, this later spirals into straight up obsession.

The basis of this obsession is Brunim Neets, or Forever's ex-husband who's very much not on the QSMP & bears a striking resemblance to our Philza.

It's quite easy to see that Forever is rather attached to Brunim, to the extent that he occasionally believes Philza is Brunim who simply lost his memories.

This leads to the conclusion that Brunim is quite literally Forever's FP ( Favourite Person. )

[ For the uninitiated, an FP is a person who someone with BPD relies heavily on for emotional support, seeks attention and validation from, and looks up to or idealizes. ]

Philza, who Forever uses as a replacement for Brunim, turns into one of Forever's main motives to do things, to gain his attention and love. This also makes Philza one of Forever's FPs, albeit an unhealthier one.

2. On Festa Junina & Forever's relationships.

Festa Junina was another turning point, where Forever entered a relationship that was just to make Philza jealous. Forever has a tendency to impulsively enter relationships and exit them just as fast.

Forever as a character is often categorized as airheaded, but that's very much not true. His emotions are very much a double edged sword, and can act as a source for his strength but also make his interpersonal relationships fall apart.

His stilting of Maximus' feelings is a result of this, where he gets so hyperfocused on Philza, he somewhat ends up using Maximus.

He has a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This can be said to be true in regards to both Philza and Brunim.

3. On the fear of abandonment & The Wedding (?)

Forever misses Brunim & there is no denying it. It's evident in how much Brunim is mentioned by him, to the extent that even Richarlyson pokes fun at it.

It's quite fair to assume that he feels a little abandoned by Brunim, with them being ex-lovers and Brunim very much not being around on the SMP.

And when you bring Philza to the equation? The Philza who very much wants to leave, the Philza who very visibly doesn't want this?

In comes the Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

The wedding canonically happens while Philza is either tripping on drugs, or simply in his head (have your pick,) where Forever builds a shrine around them, declares them married and then proceeds to try to (badly) gaslight Philza into believing that they got married in Vegas.

His attempts at gaslighting are laughably pitiful, but they're incredibly desperate and frantic. It's almost like he thinks that if he can convince Philza that they're married, he wouldn't leave.

4. On Splitting and the Proposal.

Splitting refers to the difficulty to accurately assess another individual or situation. It can lead to intensely polarizing views of others, for instance, as either very good or very bad. A person typically splits unconsciously or without realizing it. Rather than seeing people in their lives as complex human beings with good, bad, and in-between characteristics, they may apply intensely polarizing or exaggerated labels. To them, their partner may be the “worst partner in the world” one day and the “greatest partner ever” the next.

The real turning point in Forever & Philza's relationship is the proposal following Cellbit & Roier's wedding. Their dynamic between then could easily be described as teasing, but this when things got very real very quick.

Forever asked for Philza's hand in marriage and got rejected ( very harshly at that- Thanks, Phil .)

This lead to a rather drastic reaction from Forever, where he ran to practically throw himself off a cliff, only for Philza to chase him down and stop him. What follows is a rather interesting conversation where we can watch Forever's high-held opinion of Philza practically plummet, where he later proclaims that he never even loved Philza, and how much he wants Philza to explode ( his words, not mine. )

It's almost like a switch has been flipped, with how he goes from happy to very upset, to determined to be president out of spite.

Not as obvious as others, but this can point to a persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

There's probably more I could speak about this, but this is all I can say from the top of my head. Feel free to add things, I enjoy spitballing all kinds of things!

#qsmp #qsmp meta #kav talks #philever #you may ask kav whats your credentials for doing this and i respond: i have bpd #this ones for rat thanks for encouraging me #im literally so incoherent 24/7 idk why i thought making a long post was a good idea i hope this makes sense to other people godbless #q!philza #q!forever #kav thinks

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psychelis-new · 1 year

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pick a pile: "Valentine's day"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read about what may happen during this Valentine's day or the first Valentine's day you will get to celebrate with your person (this reading is for current/next partner, which can ofc include your fs/fp). for further insights about your "Valentine" (a.k.a. your person), check my instagram (@/psychelis.new) on Monday.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 - 2 - 3

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pile 1

Your Valentine's day will probably be a one out-of-the-book. Love and passion will be the main subjects for your day. You may enjoy a candlelight dinner or just a cozy date in a pub with your person, after which lot of kissing and 18+ stuff (that I won't mention in this reading) may take place. You and your person (or one of the two, as a surprise for the other) may have organized something special to celebrate: it really feels like you two are gonna spend the whole day (or as much as you can out if it) together and alone (meaning: there may be other people around like in a restaurant, but no one you really know). As mentioned some may enjoy a romantic dinner or date, others a one-day vacation to a special place (I'm seeing a spa/private pool/ water: it could mean simply lot of emotions but also that it will take place near water and water is gonna be pretty important), others may even get the chance to get a proposal on this date. Whatever will happen, it's gonna be very emotional and you'll love it. Back to the water-bit: it may involve indeed lot of deep conversations about your feelings and your goals as a couple, where you want to go, how you feel with the other and so on... lots of compliments, lot of love. You'll both feel good, complete, with the other. as if you don't need anything else. You'll realize how balanced is your relationship and that it's gonna worth it to fight for each other and to keep trying and get wherever you dream to be with the other. This is why I got a proposal but, for those who don't plan to get married, it may just mean the promise to be together for your whole life (or try to).

songs: thinking out loud | ed sheeran; everytime i close my eyes | babyface, kenny g

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pile 2

There is a huge stress about getting a message or something. Like.. probably your first Valentine's day you won't really be dating this person or you will be apart, and you'll only get to celebrate "online". For some others, it may be a difficult moment so you may not be able to celebrate on that day (mild illness or unwellness that may keep you apart: even just a very strong cold). It's weird cause I have lot of saliva atm and your pic is about dust... fels like you will try to fight over this "block" you may encounter about celebrating your Valentine's day with your person. It feels like maybe one of the two will find a way to take a trip and visit the other or even organize something like a serenade under the window despite being far away, or even sending flowers + a special video. Yup some of you may be finding ways to take care of your person on that day, cause they may not be feeling good (it could be vice versa). It will be a caring day, cute and sweet. Like you're gonna taste real love meaning. Some other, you may be fighting against other types of blockages, like your past traumas or some issues. Maybe you had a small quarrel with your person or sth, but either you will try to see things from a different perspective or they will approach you with a loving gesture to ask for forgiveness (I'm again seeing someone under the window, with a bouquet of roses, yelling/calling for someone, maybe singing too). Whatever will be going on, you'll feel calmer at the end of the day, more aware of your relationship and what/how you can work on to make it better (also, if it's you needing to work on your fears or not feeling good enough, your person will let you know they're by your side in this and that they won't rush you in anyway -they like you a lot, btw, exactly the way you are). Yeah I do feel many of you won't (and don't) feel enough for your person (love in general) and the message from them is about showing you this is not true (they're a keeper!!! js).

songs: quiver | lonas; young and beautiful | lana del rey

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pile 3

Hello sweet pile 3. Your Valentine's day may happen in a cozy environment like either of your homes, you may be even cooking together. Very cute and comfy and "best-friends" vibes here. You'll also have fun with your person, you may watch a movie or play a game or sth. Sweet, innocent, cute type of love. Lot of smiles, some random flirting... I cannot find many other words to express this. Feels like you cannot see it coming as for now. And you're supposed not to. You may have been working on a lot... differently from pile 2, but still you have been through many trials and tribulations, and you have been dreaming of love, of someone to feel cozy with, to be yourself, no masks, nothing, your pure self with. And be appreciated for that and loved. You know you deserve love (or you will realize it soon). You know you can get that... it's just a matter of realizing that it will happen, that it won't be always just a dream. That you're now able to change, and move towards this dream, this person, and change the result (maybe in the past you have been left down by your crushes or never really experienced love, a true deep conenction, probably not even with friends... you feel kinda lonely atm, right? I'm sorry, you shouldn't feel that at all, you're a lovely person.. but al that happens, happens to teach us something and this was to teach you how much you worth). You deserve much more, you deserve to try, to allow yourself to try this new experience, to be vulnerable and to let this person in, fully. They will find you, that's out of the question: you'll have your dream. Just believe in yourself, startbeing yourself (no people pleasing, stand your ground) and allow yourself to make a change in this sense. A change inside. You're not stuck in your past, you're grown from there. And so will your experiences and your life. Probably you'll have to spend next Valentine's day by youserlf but showing yourself the love and appreciation you deserve: gift yourself whatever you like and want, treat yourself, love yourself. Your person will copy that once they'll arrive.

songs: bland | jonathan keevil; love of my life | queen (I also got freak me | another level (cover) for your person so I mean... 18+ messages here)

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borderline-culture-is · 3 months

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BPD culture is fantasizing about marrying your FP, both to have their last name and remove your parents' last name, but being scared of divorce because you might be stuck with a reminder of the person who abandoned you.

#borderline culture is #borderline personality disorder #bpd #bpd culture is #bpd culture #bpd safe #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd fp #fp #fp bpd

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songliili · 3 days

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

thank you @happiness-of-the-pursuit for tagging me

How many works do you have on ao3? only 10 as of now, but i hope it'll be 13 by the end of the year

What's your total ao3 word count? 107,767

What fandoms do you write for? rwrb and supernatural. although it's mostly rwrb as of now

Top five fics by kudos:

we all have a hunger - Henry is a porn star, Alex is a fan.

bro, you're fucking hung! - Alex is fascinated by Henry's huge dick.

Fill My Stocking - Alex wants some attention and Henry has to get creative.

you should floss more - Dean goes to the dentist and is his usual disaster bi self. Lucky for him, his dentist doesn't mind.

footage of (y)our love - Alex and Henry get married, and 2/3 of the Super Six documented their love story.

Do you respond to comments? yes, i do my best at not leaving them unanswered!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? probably I Had Some Time (With You) because of the mcd tag and the kind of open ending with claire and jody that i left just in case i decide to write claire's story. but i also think that dean and cas had a soft beautiful and loving end, so yeah it's sad but i don't think it's a sad fic? more like haunting in a positive way (this makes me sound so pretentious but i just love that story so much and i'd love for more people to read it it too)

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i genuinely don't know? all of them have happy endings imo... probably psau1 tho. simply because i'm writing the sequel and i know they're even more happy lmao.

Do you get hate on fics? thankfully i don't!

Do you write smut? yep! and i thought i wasn't able to. (peep at my two most popular fics being rated E and the second being just pwp)

Craziest crossover: i don't think it's crazy but I Had Some Time (With You) kind of is a crossover with the last of us? i mixed up tlou and spn.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i know of, but i don't think anyone would steal my stuff, i'm nobody

Have you ever had a fic translated? ... well............. eight years ago i wrote a fic for a kpop group and before orphaning it someone asked me permission to translate it. i don't know if they ever did it, and i can't check cause i don't remember the title so i can't even look it up

Have you ever co-written a fic before? i've started writing a fic with @zeppelinmixtape a while ago, we should pick it back up.

All time favorite ship? destiel and firstprince, obviously

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? probably the great dean court off, and it's a shame cause i love it and i want to finish it cause i have the ending clear in my head, but i changed so much as a writer that i think i'd have to rework it all to avoid a stark contrast between then and now/the future.

What are your writing strengths? once @cactusdragon517 told me that my italian brain "lends so much to it. It is so beauful and the way you write it feels like reading something SACRED." (yes, i copy-pasted their message cause i saved it in a note on my phone for when i need a ego boost)

What are your writing weaknesses? i'm verbose but at the same time i skim on things. small things turn into big things and fics that can be under 5k turn into 10k, 'cause small, insignificant details and context in conversations are needed; but not descriptions. for the life of me i can't remember that people aren't in my head and they need to know who's talking and what the place they're in looks like.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? i'm a sucker for it, but if they're written in a language i know i will be critic of the translation used - and if i know the author i will suggest a translation that in my opinion is better.

First fandom you wrote in? aforementioned kpop fandom. no, i will not disclose what group or pairing.

Favorite fic you've written? I Had Some Time (With You) and we all have a hunger. but also mh fp, ciayaq? and psau2 that live in my wips folder. (and if y'all want to tell me what's your favourite of my silly little fics, let me know!)

i guess i have to tag 20 people now, i don't know who's done this already so forgive me if you did.

(mae, chrissy, consider your previous tags as tagging for the game lmao)

@father-salmon @underwaterninja13 @leojfitz @read-and-write- @littlemisskittentoes @galitzine-nick @inexplicablymine @affectionatelyrs @gayrootvegetable @wordsofhoneydew @emmalostinwonderland @rockyroadkylers @three-drink-amy @theprinceandagcd @imyourhoneybeespn @princehgejfmw @absolute-audacity @firenati0n

#20 questions for fic writers #20 questions #tag game #songliili answers #songliili writes #firstprince #rwrb #red white and royal blue #destiel #supernatural #fan fiction #fanfic #fanfiction

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noelle-holi-gay · 5 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

heyyyy I was tagged by @snarky-wallflower for this thingy, and I don't typically do stuff like this but what the heck! This one looks fun, and I need a small break from finals.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Sixty-six! Nice round satanic number.

2. What’s your total word count?

Uhhh... 1,164,238. I think I broke a million back with Dream Come True. Wild stuff! Guess that's what happens when you do this nonstop for like four years.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Deltarune these days, obviously, but I also had a wonderful time in the Splatoon and DuckTales fandoms, as well as Miraculous Ladybug, My Little Pony, and a ton of smaller ones here and there.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

Dare to Dream (Deltarune): A fun little Susie x Noelle romcom that takes place in a divergent chapter 2 timeline where Susie kisseed Noelle on the Ferris Wheel. Also the first fic in my mega-series Dream Come True, a 300,000 word epic that really kind of went off the rails. But don't worry about that! It's just a funny little romcom! Come closer!

F@#!, Marry, or Kill (Miraculous Ladybug): I am so mad that this is up here. This fic sucks. I wrote it when I was fourteen (hence my reluctance to say "fuck" in the title) and it's just the main characters of the show getting caught up in a game of Fuck-Marry-Kill that involves their own superhero identites, but nobody else knows that. It's a good way to leverage the dramatic irony of Miraculous Ladybug, I guess, but I hate that this was my most-kudoed fic for so long. I wrote it over SEVEN years ago. The only reason it got so popular is because back in 2016, the Miraculous Ladybug fandom was a sea of piranhas starved by the seemingly endless will-they won't-they of the show, ravenous for whatever scraps they could get their grimy little teeth on. Perfect example of why popularity doesn't always equate with quality.

People Write Fanfiction About Me? (Miraculous Ladybug): This one is actually good, even if it's also incredibly old. Basically, Marinette finds online RPF of her and her superhero partner that was obviously written by her superhero partner, and they get into a whole meta fanfiction war, and it gets worse from there. I like this one a lot even if it's in an outdated style: I think it's a good take on the identity reveal genre for the ML fandom.

Stealing Kisses (Deltarune): Not much to say on this one! It's a direct continuation of Dare to Dream, still part of the Dream Come True series, though it functions more as a drama than a straight romcom, which is only one of many tone shifts that this series eventually takes. It also contains Locker Biting Challenge (if you know you know), which I think is, to date, one of the funniest bits of situational comedy I've ever written, so it gets special notes for that.

Crossing the Streams (DuckTales): And this is my most popular DuckTales fic, to round out the set! It's a low-stakes / no-magic AU, where instead of going on daring adventures, the DuckTales kids stream FPS video games online, and are, like, famous streamers. I think its popularity was artificially boosted just a tad due to being in-progress when the series finale dropped, but I think it holds up! I had some good fun playing with identity, fame, and hidden relationships.

5. Do you respond to comments?

I--sometimes! Just not very often... Look, if someone asks me a question, or if I have something to actually say in response, or if the comment is particularly touching, I'll reply, but I'm just really bad at taking compliments! It feels very awkward to me to reply to every comment when I would basically just be going "Thanks so much, I'm glad you liked it!" ten times in a row. That's the only reason (<-Definitely doesn't have anxiety)

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't tend to do unhappy endings. Cold Case for sure, if it were finished, lmao. Although--I guess you could argue Stealing Kisses has a very angsty ending, though it isn't actually an ending since it's just a sequel-bait cliffhanger. But yeah, I'm going to cheat a little and say Cold Case. It should be finished soon, anyway! Hopefully!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

That's hard to say considering the amount of romcoms I've written, but I think I'd actually have to go with the final mainline entry in my Splatoon series, Operation 24, which was The Wedding. It ends on a really sweet and poignant rooftop scene that I think is particularly uplifting, even compared to the endings of my other long-form romance fics.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Very rarely. I've gotten my share of transphobic comments -- welcome to the Internet! -- but thankfully they've been few and far between. I just delete them when they show up.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes, I have; no, you can't see it :p

10. Do you write crossovers?

I have written at least two crossover fics, so yes! I wouldn't exactly call it my genre, though. They're a little too niche and I like attention.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Oh boy. Yes, twice; the first was my Fuck Marry Kill fic for miraculous ladybug, which was ripped off and horribly butchered into a terrible version of the story by someone who IMMEDIATELY abandoned it to Orphan Account. Which is wild to me.

But the real creme of the crop was some kid on WattPad who copied large portions of my Operation 24 series, and then changed small and seemingly arbitrary details throughout to be more...train-centric? Like, all the characters would have strange and OOC dialog about trains in the middle of the romance. And then after a few chapters of that it did a total left-hand veer into a Thomas the Tank Engine / Harry Potter crossover that was utterly wild to behold. This whole saga is probably one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me in my life and I'm honestly more bewildered than mad about it.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Wow, wouldn't that be cool! But no, along with getting a podfic this is one of those big fic-writer experiences that has elude me thusfar.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! I don't really know how to co-write outside of RP, and I haven't ever really done RP. I'm not opposed to the concept of co-writing, but I think it's sort of difficult to make work with my writing style.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

While I'd love to give the PR-friendly answer of Suselle, I think it's gotta go to Miraculous Ladybug's Love Square. That show has haunted me for seven years and is showing no sign of stopping, and the fuckery it does with its main relationship is some utterly unrivaled Shakespearian nonsense. The way the fandom has built around the relationship is also very interesting, especially the way the fanfic scene has shifted as the show develops and its audience grows up.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

If I want to finish a WIP, I will finish that WIP. The only ones that don't get finished are the ones I don't want to finish. This is the power of believing in yourself!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialog for sure--always has been--and also just, like, grammar? I do words good, as they say. I like to think I have a pretty well-rounded writing skillset at this point, though.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Definitely descriptive stuff like setting the scene. I have to really work to make sure my scenes are embodied in physical reality, and sometimes I just forget to describe new locations. It's just a fairly boring part of writing for me, so I don't like doing it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

I took six years of Spanish and have forgotten all of it, so this is unlikely at best. Spanish also uses em dashes instead of quotation marks to denote speaker changes, and while that is very linguistically interesting, it is also very confusing to me, specifically.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Uhhh... the first fandom I published was Miraculous Ladybug, but I think the first fandom I wrote for was My Little Pony. My MLP stuff is on a different site, and also pretty freaking bad, but it was my first large-scale fic and it really helped me develop my skills and voice.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Easy: Dream Come True. That was a monumental journey to go on, and seeing my readerbase follow along as that story morphed and twisted and just kept going and going was such a unique and satisfying experience as a writer. It truly feels unreplicable.

I'm not going to tag anyone because I am a coward, and get horribly anxious at the prospect of @ing people. But if you see this and you wanna do it, use me as an excuse! Say I atted you! Live freely!

Okay good bye. I must return to my endless studies...

#rambles

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39confetti · 1 year

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John Doe playing video games headcanon

ᴼᵏᵃʸ ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʷʰʸ ᵐʸ ᵇʳᵃⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ⁿᵒʷ... ᴴᵉʳᵉ ⁱᵗ ⁱˢ !

-In fact, Doe like video games, especially if he's playing with you, or if he can create a character that look like you.

-It help him cope with the void you leave him with when you have to work during rainy days, or when you leave him for a shower/bath.

-That's why he absolutely loves the sims.

-He spends HOURS making every little details of your face, body and hair, figuring out which one of those clothes you would like (even if he think you are absolutely gorgeous in all of them)

-He made himself too, so you both could live the perfect little life you both deserve.

-His Sims doesn't take shower, cause Doe is afraid it could kill it, but he spend a lot of time taking care of yours, making sure she's fine and always in the green mood.

-Doe blushed the first time your Sims and his kissed. (Imagine his face when they did the woohoo)

-He goes, "Look, I created you in the game, aren’t you soooo pretty ? We are married and N̶̥͈̅O̶͎̰̒̇ ̶̰̀Ȍ̸̢͠Ņ̸̱̚͝E̴̮͐͘ will come between us, just like in real life, right my love ? We belong together, f̷̼͚̕o̷̥͆̎r̵͍͋ë̷̲̜́v̶̛̭̠͛̑e̴̹͕͂̊̚ȓ̵̰̈́ ̷̻͒͜a̸̟̯͑n̵͇̞̣͛͠d̴̳̰̏͝ ̴̟͉̈́ê̶͇̮͚͐v̷͔̜̅͛e̷̛̦̱̓͝r̵͙̭̝̽ !!!!! ”

-Horror game? He don't really play them. That doesn't scare him, but he like moving around and looking straight in the eyes of the monsters/screamers.

-Doe prefers watching YOU play horror game, because gosh you are so cute when you're scared...

-He doesn't know how to play fps game like overwatch, his aiming is the worst...

-Sometimes you wonder if he’s not doing it on purpose ?..

-But he absolutely love going "pew pew" against random people he doesn't know!

-He doesn't really pay attention to people insulting him online, they're not YOU so it doesn't matter...

-When you're playing with him, he try his best to protect and support you. (except if you ask him to help your other teammates)

-But if someone is disrespectful to you, he'll make them pay. (he'll probably find their houses... You don't wanna know what will happen next. )

-If the game start to make Doe angry, he just let a sight out of his mouth and stop. He ask for a big hug, and go back to his favorite activity : spending time in real life with you! (if you aren't home he'll just go smell your dirty t-shirt)

#john doe #john doe game #john doe headcanon #john doe horror game #john doe game headcanon #john doe visual novel

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obliqueblade · 8 months

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Update- Health Concerns/Inspo/ rambling a bit

“So Oblique where have you been?”

That is a great question reader. The truth is complicated… and rather long.

Not to be like “ao3 writer moment” but…

I have cancer. Had it for a while actually. I got diagnosed right at 20, but I had symptoms for a while before that. We had thought it was just my asthma acting up, but nope.

I have lung cancer. Wooo.

Funnily enough, about a month or so later, Technoblade released his announcement video.

It was strange. Knowing that while I was going through treatment, someone I looked up to across the country was doing something similar. I remember watching that video hooked up to my oxygen machine, and feeling a pit in my stomach when he had mentioned being able to see where it was. While I don’t have Sarcoma, most cancer patients, especially those in the ward knew what that meant.

I made a joke though, that none of my doctors, or friends really appreciated. Statistically, I would die before he did, so I at least wouldn’t have to live in a world without him.

… clearly, this did not go the way I had hoped.

Off and on for that year, I was in and out of the hospital in Clevland, Ohio. Now this is not where I live normally, but it was close to my grandparents. I also found out how much I hated snow. Moreso, when your lungs also hate it and you at the same time.

“Oh, Oblique, just how common is lung cancer in your early 20s?”

Why dear reader another GREAT question! The answer is- it’s not. Or the early signs are easy to miss. I was one of the youngest patients at CC frequently, and one of the only ones with lung cancer during my stay. We were able to catch it so quickly because my step moms brother had CF, so my mom spent a lot of time in hospitals around people who couldn’t breathe. After the first few times, I couldn’t catch my breath, no matter what I did she wanted me to go and get tested to find out what it was since it was clearly worse than just asthma. We knew it wasn’t CF, because they would’ve found that earlier. Ruled out pneumonia pretty quickly too as it was the middle of summer. My FP happened to think to test cancer, just in case. My Dad and I had laughed, it was such a long shot it was more likely I was just having pretty frequent panic attacks. Now I knew deep down it wasn’t panic attacks and my mom did too, but the C-word was terrifying.

And then we got the tests back. I knew as soon as he walked in, hell I knew when they did the tests, and yes there are multiple.

I asked my mom to leave the room, My Dad hadn’t been able to come in that day with us, and I needed to talk to him about how long he thought I had.

He didn’t reply for a while, and I’ll never forget the look on his face.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was 19. Statistically, the chance of living to see my 24th birthday was almost impossible.

Doc pretty much told me that IF I could survive the next 7-12 months without the cancer spreading to my other organs my chances were pretty good. I’d later find out that the chances of it spreading were so high, and if it ever does the chances that I make it almost none. However, even once I passed every year after would be considered a miracle if I got past five.

He went into the next room and talked to my mom for a while, while I tried to wrap my head around everything. Just how quickly my life had changed. How fast it was all going to happen. What finally broke me, was my youngest sister texting me from one of her middle school classes asking me how it was going. Realizing I’d never get to see her graduate, take her on girls' days, help her through heartbreak, watch her get married.

At that moment it felt like the cancer had already killed me. It had stolen not only my life but my place in the lives of my family. Doc and Mom came back in at some point during my breakdown and sat with me.

We didn’t leave that office for a while. When we did, I told my mom that I wanted to be the one to tell my Dad and sister before we talked about where we were going to go.

So that night after dinner, we sat at the kitchen table, and I simply said

“This air quality seems to be so shitty, that my lungs have decided to refuse work,”

And my mother broke into tears, and my dad and sister stared at me like I was crazy. Which I kind of felt I deserved to be. Once we had cleared up the confusion, my dad asked me the same question I had asked the doctor.

I told him that realistically he was going to have to rely on either my older or younger sister to wipe his ass when he couldn’t do it anymore. I was trying really hard to make light of the situation because I didn’t want everyone to be sad before I died. There would be plenty of time for it afterward anyway.

Maybe that’s another thing I recognized from Techno’s initial video. Trying so hard to make sure that no one was worried despite knowing what was going to happen. And even though I think deep down a lot of us at least feared, the concept was so ridiculous and insane. How could someone like him just…

On the day of the announcement, I saw Dreams tweet before the YouTube notification came through.

I sat in my hospital bed playing Minecraft on the PC I had finally saved up enough to get, and I was on the phone with my best friend back in my home state. All I can remember is saying “Please. Please don’t let it be who I think it is. Please don’t let it be.” The last thing I remember hearing was my friend say “Oh ____ I am so sorry.”

I hung up the phone and just sobbed. I ripped out my IV and heart monitor culled into a ball on the floor and just lost it. It didn’t take long before my nightly nurse ran into the room and they eventually had to sedate me.

I woke up a few hours later, and for a moment I thought I had dreamed it. Yet I saw my mom in my room and I knew that I hadn’t. She had started working remotely due to COVID-19 and her job was letting her continue to remote in so she could come to Ohio with me and stay between the hospital and my grandparent's house. My dad would drive, and while Ohio was closer than some of the other hospitals this is still an 8+ hour drive every other week with my sister and stay with me.

I had actually been doing pretty well at this point. Due to my age, and the fact my cancer had not spread yet, I was a really good candidate for surgery. However, there are underlying health conditions and risks that have to be monitored and dealt with before they can do the surgery. They had to give me enough time between treatments so I still had the strength to survive the surgery.

When the video was released, I finished up another round of medications, this time ones that showed promising effects and weren’t damaging to my strength so I would survive the surgery.

After the video came out, my mental health dipped hard, and fast, and my physical health soon followed. Then one of my best friends as the center passed. She was three months younger than me. She had leukemia, and the doctors had been amazed she had lived as long as she had since she had it since she was a kid. They thought she was in remission in her teens, but she relapsed pretty hard right before she turned 19. Halfway through my stay there, she had taken a dip, and her health hadn’t been able to recover.

At that moment I wanted to die. I couldn’t see a point in living, of fighting, when the time I bought through these treatments maybe would last a few years. My doctors essentially had to rework my treatment plan and appeal to my parents that if they wanted me to live, they needed to have me fight for it.

So much as those days where my family would come in and beg me to try and fight I just didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t see a life for myself anymore. Now some people may look at that and think it's dumb, like “Oh some guy you never even met, someone who didn’t even know you existed, died and now you’ve decided to just die?”

Well first off rude. Secondly, I was already suicidal, and you’ll find it’s extremely common for patients with life-threatening diseases to need therapists constantly because they have extreme suicidal tendencies. Also, I want to state that yes I am referencing Techno a lot in this, but know that I am remarking about his passing and how it affected me, I am not doing so as a way to blame or hate him. Obviously, I cannot claim to know what or how he was feeling in those last few months, but I do know that we don’t get a choice when cancer kills us.

It isn’t up to us.

Hell, maybe no one is even reading this, maybe I dyed typing it up, or before I posted it. The point is I don’t want some moron to read this and think “Wow attacking a cancer patient, Oblique whatever is next?”

Dear lord this thing is four pages now, alright to quickly wrap up on why and how I’m back.

Just before all this went down, I had gotten into Hermitcraft. Now back when I was growing up and living under different circumstances, I wasn’t allowed internet access, so I missed out on a lot in the mid-2010s, one of which being Hermitcraft and well Minecraft as a whole.

Anyway, I found specifically GoodtimeswithScar and Grian.

Now, I do watch other Hermits, but at this time I watched these two the most. I never used Twitch before, and while I still don’t really like the platform I loved watching Scar stream.

Scar, actually, was the reason I got determined to at least try and fight this damn cancer.

See, before this, I didn’t know about Scar’s illness. I didn’t know he was in a wheelchair and I didn’t know he was on oxygen tanks either. So the first stream I got to watch, lying in my hospital bed, hooked up to about a million blinking machines, I opened it to see someone else wearing oxygen tubes. Someone who was also hooked up to a million different things. Yet, Scar could create some of the most beautiful things I had gotten to see while stuck in that room. It was like he weaved pure magic through the screen.

So, I came to the conclusion that what the hell. If I died so would my memories. The things I’ve seen and people I’ve met, all of it would go with me. And if there’s one thing I learned from Techno, is that “... the Sun Kast fallacy wouldn’t allow it,”.

So, we restarted my treatment plan. Eventually, we did the surgery and after making sure I was stabilized and showed no signs of infection, or that the cancer was making a comeback right away they allowed me to be transferred home. Right in time for that good ol’ Southern heat.

Now, I still have to regularly go to the hospital, as well as wear my lovely little oxygen tubes around, and take PLENTY of drugs (OMG so many cotton mouth is REAL), but not to jinx anything I’ve been doing fairly well these past few weeks.

Of course, this can change in an instant, and I have to be extremely careful, especially due to Covid (Seriously guys if someone coughs on me I might as well get into the coffin now.)

As for why I decided to write this fic? Well, in a way the Hermits helped me live. Helped my parents not have to bury one of their kids. Helped me see my sister start high school. Helped me reach my 21st birthday.

19-21.

Three years down.

Realistically, I know there’s going to be a day I get the results that not only is the cancer back, but that it has spread. I know this. And I also know that when that time comes I will have to accept that and move forward as I can. I may never be as great as Alex, and I don’t want to be, but I want to be like him in that I will accept and try to easily go when it’s my time, knowing that I did all that I could.

In the meantime, I might as well leave something for the small part of the world that I can.

If and when my updates stop, I’ll leave a message for my friend on how to log into my Tumblr so she can at least give you guys some closure.

Take care, and I will see you when I see you, Readers!

Update:

So originally, this was going to be posted on the 13th– clearly, that didn’t happen. I had a minor health setback. Bacteria truly is my greatest enemy. I got sent back to the hospital and then saw my specialist on the 13th and a whole new wave of antibiotics. I’m still in the hospital being monitored, which is kinda like every few hours someone comes in and pokes me so I can never sleep.

Which ya know is fun.

So I got my roommates to bring my laptop under the guise of doing school work but in reality, I just wanted better access to edit because that’s hard to do on my phone.

Anyway, I’ll keep you guys posted. Chapter 2 should be posted within the next week or so health providing. Knock on wood.

#hermitcraft #desert duo #desert duo vigilante au #hermitblr #ao3 writer #ao3 fanfic #superhero au #archive of our own #grian #cute guy grian #health #wellness #hospital #cancer #awareness #disease

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