#my meals are getting smaller as a coping mechanism

[memoriesndew]

what to do when you feel overwhelmed or oversaturated

As we continue into the year we have a lot of goals and a lot of things we would like to achieve and in the process of achieving them we might feel overwhelmed or oversaturated here are a few things that help me when I feel overwhelmed or oversaturated

💭 take a break (cue take a break from Hamilton) — get away from the circumstance or task that is making you feel overwhelmed. take a quick break to reset your mind and refresh. a few minutes of deep breathing, stretching, watching an episode of your favourite series or going for a stroll can be beneficial. I am someone who, in some ways, overwhelms myself. what I mean by this is that I have work divided by certain days, but I try to do everything at once because I tell myself that if I do it now, I'll have a lot of free time later - I don't end up having free time and I just overwhelm myself to work, and taking a break between everything helps.

💭 practice mindfulness — mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation, can help you calm your mind and relieve stress. Concentrate on the current moment and let go of concerns about the past and future.

💭 set boundaries — If you're already feeling overloaded, learn to say no to new obligations or tasks. Set boundaries to safeguard your time and energy, and don't be hesitant to delegate chores or request assistance when necessary.

💭 prioritize tasks — Identify the most important things that require your immediate attention and work on them first. Break down larger jobs into smaller, more manageable steps and complete them one at a time.

💭 limit stimuli — If you're feeling overwhelmed by information or stimuli, make efforts to reduce your exposure. This could include turning off notifications on your phone or computer, unsubscribing from unneeded emails or newsletters, or taking a brief break from social media or news intake.

💭 practice self-care — Take care of your physical and mental health by participating in activities that nourish and renew you. This could involve getting adequate sleep, eating good meals, exercising frequently, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in enjoyable hobbies and activities.

💭 seek support — Seek encouragement and support from friends, family, or trustworthy colleagues. Sometimes simply talking to someone about how you're feeling will make you feel less overwhelmed.

💭 seek professional help — If feelings of overwhelm continue or have a substantial impact on your daily functioning, consider obtaining help from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counsellor. They can teach methods and coping mechanisms to assist you to better handle stress and overwhelm.

Remember that it is normal to feel overwhelmed from time to time, especially when dealing with difficult events or hectic seasons in life. Be gentle to yourself, and remember that you can get through challenging situations with resilience and support.

bye bye my dew drops!!

#aesthetic #notion #pinterest #reading #prompts #memoriesndew #girlblogging #clean girl #poetry #dream girl #girly stuff #cinnamon girl #it girl #motivation #study motivation #study #study music #studying #studyblr #study blog #wonyoung #wonyoungism #glow up #goals #2024 goals #pink pilates girl #pink pilates princess #notion template #feligami #feligami has me in a chokehold

[nterini]

In Defense of Hira - A textbook case of C-PTSD caused by Childhood Abuse and Neglect

In a lot of the shows that I watch, especially with teens or young adults relating to trauma, or any genre really, there’s always a playful question on my mind: where are their parents? However, at this point in show, it’s becoming so much more apparent that the lack of support Hira received growing up, is fundamental to the way that he sees himself and his position in the world around him. So much so that as much as I want to joke about Hira being as dense as a stone wall, I find myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable in how much my own trauma and reactions to isolation mirror Hira’s.

Symptoms of complex PTSD

Feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt.

Problems controlling your emotions.

Finding it hard to feel connected with other people.

Relationship problems, like having trouble keeping friends and partners. (Source: NHS)

How was Hira Traumatized?

He was left to his own defenses at an early age and had to fend for himself. Just because they provided him with a house and money for food doesn’t mean they took care of him. He was also bullied for a speech impediment and isolated by his peers as a result. He’s probably never had anyone listen to him closely or had close emotional or physical relationships in his life. Extended periods of neglect in childhood and then more intense isolation later on is extremely damaging.

Trauma manifests differently. Before therapy, it was really difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that I wasn’t actually invisible to friends and family. It took a quite aggressive and embarrassing event, (now funny and touching really) for me to understand that if I deviated from my own patterns or if I disappeared or didn’t contact people for hours that people would actually miss me or think about me. I went out and watched a movie after an event, and told one person through text. After the two hour movie, I turned my phone back on and found 30 missed calls. My mother had informed me that she had called the police and that the principal had formed a search party for me. My face was plastered all over Snapchat by my classmates.  I was mortified by what I believed to be a waste of resources and time on my behalf. Such a loud display of love and even then all I could think about was hiding away and making myself smaller. I wasn’t even decent enough to acknowledge the pain, worry, and fear they felt at the thought that someone they loved went missing. It took multiple years later: a very a tentative mother and aunt, very involved teachers, mentors and friends plus therapy for me to stop feeling like a ghost. To get out of my own head and stop trying to fade in the background as a coping mechanism. After being abandoned by his mother to live alone in a house so she could be with the family she wants, after being isolated by his classmates for having a stutter all throughout high school, only one person knocked loudly enough at the door attached to the fortress Hira built in his mind to cope with his trauma. Kiyoi.

That mental fortress is why Hira is alive today. It kept him safe when he had to sleep in the dark alone as a young boy when he had to cook his own meals. His social ineptitude is due to years of isolation and degradation by those around him. He wasn’t deemed worthy enough by his own mother to be taken care of. Yet Kiyoi loves and sees him. Kiyoi says his name and holds his hand and kisses him and suddenly Hira is solid mass. Not a shadow on the wall or the useless child not worth keeping. He becomes slightly more than nothing. In Hira’s mind he becomes a pebble. Sigh. Well it’s a start. But it’s not enough. It’s gonna take a real miracle for Hira to overcome years of trauma and see himself as a human being. I believe in him though. He’s so brave. No like really though, some of the shit he says is so cringey it takes real guts. Kiyoi is not going to give up on Hira anytime soon he’s too much of an exhibitionist for Hira and a freak (endearingly). Also, Hira is obsessive and intense, so they’re a perfect match.

He just needs proper counseling and a bit of time. I’m rooting for them.

#My Beautiful Man #my beautiful man 2 #utsukushii kare #utsukushii kare 2 #hira x kiyoi #kiyoi sou #Hira #show analysis #review #childhood truama #tw cptsd

[watercolor-envy]

Today I ate.

I ate breakfast which was still very restricted

I ate dinner and added two teaspoons of mayo in it!!!

I ate 3 rice cakes with toppings

And on top of it I ate 3/4 of fruit salad

If I'm being honest, I am happy with it. I'm rewarding my body with very healthy stuff and oils which are necessary to have period. Ofc I didn't fall into my nutritional needs but I still did good. I'm trying myself here. I'm testing how bad I've gotten.

Ofc if I were to eat in front of people (god forbid my family) I wouldn't eat that much. It's crazy to me that if I'm being watched while eating I can't do it. I wish I could, eating together is a very bonding experience for humans but yet, at age 21 I can't do it.

I can eat with my cat, that I love, especially when I eat tuna (I haven't eaten tuna out of a can since 2017 lol). When my boyfriend comes (we live together but he's a sailor) I get panic attacks over food. I get stressed out to the point of exhaustion. I can't function because I can't control shit. I hate my body, don't be fooled. I see how much my body has changed, I've lost over 12kg since December and through whole February I didn't restrict. I maintained somehow. But I hate my mind, I don't like this life and I know that I hate it just because I can't enjoy anything due to Ed. And I've been struggling with it through my teenage years till now. And I'm not a teen, I want to be a woman, a normal woman that can deal with everything. I want to be strong, to be happy with all the decisions I've made.

But I won't. I am lost and I don't know how to help myself. I want to tell my boyfriend, look, I ate today! And I wanted to eat so I did! But he would get sad that my Ed is back. That the moment he leaves for work is the moment I fall back into this disorder. He would be sad, mad at himself. But it's just easier for me to numb the pain, stress and sadness. I just wish to be happy but even restriction does nothing for me.

Felling full makes me anxious and uncomfortable, hunger makes me unfocused and unable to concentrate. I just live to eat that one meal, and that one meal doesn't give me any satisfaction. It's March now. Somehow. Idk how. And I just live to sleep. I just don't want to go through with another day.

I'm exhausted, my suicidal thoughts are back. I want to do something to myself, but I probably won't. But I think about k1lling myself daily. Just to be done with this life.

I hate waking up, but falling asleep isn't easy either. I hate to do stuff I know I should because I know I'll fail. I've never been a good student, I've never been talented or smart or anything of that stuff. I'm just educated and lucky I guess. But where will it all lead me? I'll just d1e one day, probably because my heart will give out, due to this disorder. It weakness your heart, your brain is damaged due to starvat1on.

But hey, I ate something today and that makes me happy for myself. I know that I cook well balanced meals and I know minerals and vitamins in my foods, so yay.

But I don't know any other life. Ana is all I know. Ana is my coping mechanism in this fucked up world. Someone would say "get your shit together and man up!". They're probably right. But I feel constantly unloved, and the problem is that I don't love myself. I value myself, but I don't know how to love myself and if that's even possible. I just know how to destroy myself to fit into a smaller size.

That's something that my ex made me do over and over again. He wasn't happy with my bigger body, he wanted to have a trophy girl. Someone that was better than everyone. I was that, he made me believe that I was that. That me being his girlfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It wasn't. I've spiraled after breaking up with him so badly. I did some terrible stuff, I didn't know how to respect men, and I feel awful for that. I wanted to give love, but for 3 years I've been told that by giving my body I'm giving love. By being completely dominated by someone else. In life and in bed.

He made me believe that I liked to do very BDSM stuff. I took the punishment in bed as something I had to take in order be loved. I agreed to everything he did to me because he manipulated me into thinking that I must always agree to him. That he's older (I was 16 he was 24/25), he's wealthy, he's smart, the best in class at university. I actually thought that I will never meet someone as great as he was so I must do everything I can to never lose him.

That was a lie, I've lived with him and I lived with no understanding that he was using me all the time. He never knew me. He never thought of me as of true human being. I was meant to meet his standard, and if not- I could always go back to my parents, he said.

After 3 years of this torture I broke up with him, but at that time I didn't know why I was ending that relationship. I knew I wanted attention, love, appreciation, sings of kind gestures. I wanted to be listened to and treated well. I didn't want empty money and him talking greatly of himself all day.

I wanted all those things so badly, but yet I didn't know where to find them. I've met so many people, and sadly I behaved wrongly. I am so sorry to them. I know that I didn't harm them, but some of them came with good intentions and got surprised by my behavior. How rapid, chaotic and empty I was.

I was 19. I couldn't know any better. But now I'm 21 and I'm so devastated over the fact that that was my life. That I behaved that way, and worse, that I've gone through so many terrible things but yet no one was there to help me.

And now I'm realizing how fucked up my life has been. How madly wrong some of my actions were but more so, were the actions of those whom I've trusted the most. How many people have used me just for their satisfaction.

I hate them all. With my heart. Now I can't process anything that's going on in my life. I can't eat like a normal person does and I can't go out of bad. I just want to sleep but even that doesn't give me happiness nor energy.

I'm sorry for this long post, if you've read it, I'm thankful.

I'm sorry for the negativity. I'm very lost, sad, exhausted. I don't want to carry on living, I want to escape everything so badly. I just want to know how to survive at this point.

#tw ana diary #ana trigger #ed not ed sheeran #pro a4a #skinnni #anarex14 #sk1nny aesthetic #tw ed sheeran #ed disorder #thinspø

[diary-of-a-moth]

random tricks i use (cw 4na content)

skip if you’re trying to recover, this is just what i do and what helps me feel better, stay safe y’all <3

- when i feel bingey i sip on a small diet cola, it passes

- i always have a low cal energy bar in my bag for when i feel too weak since i often stay out the hole day and can’t grab a fruit

- water, water, and more water (with slices of lemon, cucumber, fruit, etc if you don’t feel like drinking plain water anymore)

- visuals are really important so try to make your meals look good, you’ll feel more satisfied (slice that banana and make a heart shape for example)

- beware of alcohol, i regained most of my weight (54 kg -> 62 kg) by getting drunk all the time, find a better coping mechanism

- go vegan, i did it for moral reasons, but it allows you to refuse any food that your friends ask you if you want to try and vegan alternatives are lower in cal’s most times

- interact with your food, engage all of your senses, it’ll take longer to eat (try to reach 20 mins) and you’ll feel fuller. touch it, smell it, reorganize the plate,…

- don’t underestimate the power of small spoons and forks or chopsticks

- i have medium size plates and bowls that make a small portion seem more reasonable and mentally i feel more satisfied after eating a 180 cal dinner that in a normal plate would have been proportionately 300/ 350+ cal

- find low cal foods that you love, i live for mushrooms, asparagus, and broccoli for example, dry fry them with a bit of soy sauce, garlic and chili powder, grab a rice cake and you’re set for 100 cal

- soups are extremely low cal (depending on what you throw in there tho) and take super long to eat, perfect meal

- sugar free gum is really good for when you feel like eating just because you’re bored, it doesn’t suppress hunger for me tho

- my fave breakfast is a chopped apple with cinnamon, stevia, and a bit of lemon, super filling and energizing for only 80 cal

- if you buy your own produce grab smaller fruits and veggies, i grew up in a home in which wasting food was a big no no so i don’t feel guilty this way and can use a hole pepper, zucchini, or apple without throwing out the rest since i’d leave it in the fridge to rot

#ed not ed sheeran #anadiet #analog #tw ed diet #⭐️ve #ana rant #light as a 🪶 #tumblr 2014 #ana bllog #a4a tips

[kemakoshume]

Equal Exchange ❀ — aki x angel (csm) pt. 2/2

Concept: Sex worker Angel Devil; frequent patron and full-time devil hunter Aki Hayakawa. Angel “I do not dream of labor” Devil makes money for "easy" work by entertaining human desires for cash. Aki finds solace in Angel’s embrace.

aka: an AU where Aki’s coping mechanisms are slightly more maladaptive, and Angel isn’t a devil hunter.

Warnings: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Arguing, Angst & Smut, Hurt/comfort, Survivors Guilt, Healing, Semi-public sex, Actual Public Sex.

tw: pistachio ice cream & denji being the voice of reason

a/n: I tried to keep explicit spoilers to a minimum, but there is (1) pretty major spoiler from the Katana Man arc, so anime-onlys… beware. This ch starts off with a pretty intense argument, but things get better.

rough vision board/mood board: here; also on ao3 (this just hit 100 kudos there, yay) ~ [part one (7k words); part two (8k words)] enjoy! (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Six months after Aki met Angel, something happened to Aki that was very bad.

He never really told Angel all of the details, not even now, but from what he did tell the devil, Angel could tell the event had been capital-B bad. Nearly an entire division of the Public Safety Devil Hunters was gone; more blood spilled and lives lost than Aki could have ever begun to summarize, and the devil hunter was spiraling. It happened so fast, so out of left field, that Angel obviously didn’t know what to do. Aki knew he had no real context to understand, and he was cruel anyway.

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong, Taiyo,” Angel said, trailing behind Aki as he went down to the basement two steps at a time.

Angel panted as he followed, Aki’s height a welcome advantage as the devil fell behind. Aki couldn’t stand hearing his brother's name at that moment. It was another reminder, another dig of the knife in the wound that he’d allowed to grow—to carve him hollow and make room for more pain he didn’t know how to cope with. He felt sick. He wanted to answer Angel, to explain and stop that look from being etched into the devil’s face, but he couldn’t. Not when the devil kept saying a name that wasn’t his with that tone of concern. Not when the name was of a loved one he had lost. Not when all he wanted was to not feel anything.

“Taiyo,” Angel called again, looking around the boxes housed in the basement. He found Aki sooner than later, running over to stand in front of the devil hunter. “Taiyo. You… what’s wrong?”

Aki huffed, trying and failing to keep his breath steady before the dam burst.

“That’s not my fucking name!” Aki yelled, grabbing Angel by the sleeves of his shirt. The tremble in his hands shook the devil, and his expression must have been miserable if Angel’s reflecting back at him was any indication. Aki walked forward, crowding into the smaller man’s space as he pushed him against one of the many sticker-covered walls. He slapped his hand against the wall next to Angel’s head, his voice thick as he fought to say the words that had been lodged in his chest for weeks. “It’s Aki. My name is Aki. Don’t… don’t call me Taiyo anymore. It’s not my name.”

Angel looked at him with an expression that Aki couldn’t decipher, his body rigid and his halo dim before he relaxed, just enough to get out his words. Aki knew the devil could hurt him—kill him, even—if he was scared, and part of him deflated when the devil didn’t do anything to push him away.

“Well, hello, Aki. It’s a nice name. It suits you.” Angel’s face softened, though his body was still stiff as he covered his hand with his sleeve to touch Aki’s face.

Aki wanted so badly to melt into it, to enjoy Angel’s touch, but he couldn’t. The guilt crept up his throat like acid after a heavy meal, and he couldn’t help the venom that came out of his mouth as a result. He huffed out a laugh, dry and vacant in the middle where sincerity should be as he stared at the devil.

“Fuckin’ devil complimenting my name. A devil I’ve been basically fucking; using my dead brother’s name. Why are you pretending to care? Devils don’t care,” Aki said, roughly rubbing his hands down his face as he paced. “What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck am I—you! What the fuck are you doing to me, huh? You, Denji, Power, and all the other devils that have wormed their sick, fucked up little hands into my life.”

He stomped toward Angel, pressing closer to the devil until his back was against the wall. Angel lowered his head, though his fists were clenched at his sides. Angel felt his resolve crumble as Angel looked up at him with nothing, not even anger, in his eyes. He just saw hurt. He was the one hurting the devil, not the other way around.

“I,” Aki said, tripping over his words. “Angel, I just need to feel anything else. Anything else, please? Help me. Touch me and tell me if I deserve to be here or not. I don’t think I deserve it. I don’t deserve to be here when they aren’t. I don’t deserve to be here when everyone else is already gone. I can’t do this alone.”

Angel shushed him, letting the man cage him in, careful not to let him touch when the tears began to run down the devil hunter’s cheeks.

“You aren’t alone, Aki,” Angel said, his voice thick as he dried Aki’s tears. “I’m sorry for your loss, but you know this won’t help. You know it.”

After the tears slowed, Aki looked down at Angel, angry and heartbroken and so—so—frustrated, and he leaned in to kiss him. Angel moved, slipping away from the devil hunter before he could trap him against the wall with his body. Angel knew well what Aki intended to do; he could see it in his face, in the dimness of his sapphire-blue eyes.

“No,” Angel said firmly, backing away when Aki tried to enter his space again. “Aki, I said no.”

Aki stared at Angel, the devil’s face flickering back and forth from confusion to anger to sadness, over and over again in seconds. Angel sighed, frustration clear in his tone.

“If you want to kill yourself, fine. You can’t use me to do it. I refuse—from here on,” Angel said, his voice wavering. “You feel guilty. Okay. I get that, but for what? For living? Why? How is it selfish to be alive, Aki? Doing this with me—letting me take your life away—it’s… it’s wrong. It’s wrong, and it won’t bring anyone that you’ve lost back, okay? We have to be stronger than that. We need to do better. To live, okay?”

Aki settled on an emotion: anger. Seething, unbridled, uncontrolled anger as he processed what Angel was saying. He closed the space again, towering over Angel as the devil held contact with his eyes. Aki ignored how dewy Angel’s eyes looked.

“What the fuck do you know?” he said, spitting the word out with malice. “You steal people’s lifespans away without a care in the world. Your kind kills, maims, and destroys every single goddamn thing they touch. What the hell would you know about what it means to be alive? About guilt or empathy or anything else that requires a human heart to feel? You don’t know shit.”

Angel looked up at Aki through wet lashes, swallowing thickly before clearing his throat.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Aki paced around the room, simmering eventually as Angel refused to indulge him or entertain the outburst. He turned, looking at the devil picking anxiously at his fingernails, and all he could wonder was, what the fuck am I doing?

“Fuck. Fuck. I am such an asshole,” he said, knocking his clasped hands against his forehead as he found a seat on the stairwell steps below Angel, between his legs, where the devil had chosen to sit down. “I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean any of that, Angel, I swear.”

The devil looked at him so coldly, visually calculating something in his head in the moments of silence that passed before his expression cleared.

“I know. You didn’t mean it, and yeah, you are an asshole. I’m glad you’re aware now,” Angel said, visually pleased with himself when he coaxed out a smile from the devil hunter. There was still pain laced into his grin, but it was there. That was something.

“Yes. I know. I’m so sorry. I’m just… hurting, but I’m sorry.”

“I don’t forgive you,” Angel said dryly, roughly tugging a piece of shorter hair near the crown of Aki’s head. “You’ll have to be extra sweet to me to get back in my good graces. Starting with ice cream, maybe.”

Aki hummed, softening up at the touch as he leaned his head toward the devil’s hand, still not directly touching.

“Okay. I can do that. The ice cream, and doing better.”

Aki hummed. “You better.”

They sat in cumbersome silence for a while, looking at anything but each other before Aki eventually had to leave for the evening. He brought three pints of ice cream with him when he went to the bar the next day.

xx

The wall between them began to crumble after Aki told Angel his real name, and it only broke further as the two spent more time together. They indulged in untapped secrets and details about their lives outside of the four walls they’d grown accustomed to at the bar, and Aki found himself craving Angel’s touch, albeit in a different way.

“I think… you want to fuck me, and you’re being really coy about it for some reason,” Aki said, sinking a striped ball into a hole in the pool table they’d taken ownership of for the hour. Angel laughed, using his hand to knock a pool ball against one of Aki’s, pushing it further away from the hole than it’d been.

“I think… you’re delusional, or maybe just projecting. If you ask me really nicely, I might think about entertaining your desires.”

Aki chuckled, maneuvering a ball past Angel’s hand, only for the devil to catch it anyway, pushing himself further onto the pool table.

Aki gave Angel a look, rounding the table to slide one long leg between Angel’s spread ones, looking down at the devil where he sat on the edge of the pool table.

“You’re a cheater, and a tease.”

“I am not. You’re just… so annoying, ” Angel said halfheartedly, taking Aki’s pool cue out of his hand before jumping down from the table. He turned, pushing his ass against Aki as he sank a solid-colored ball in the hole. He glanced over his shoulder, sauntering off to hit his next one on the other side of the pool table.

“I prefer the term charming,” Aki said, following the devil.

Angel rolled his eyes, dragging his hand across the fuzzy billiard cloth before positioning for another play.

“I would prefer not to kill you by accident.”

Aki smirked. “As opposed to on purpose?”

Angel rolled his eyes harder, sinking the eight ball after a string of successful plays.

“No more death touches—we promised. Guess you’ll have to figure something out.”

Aki bought his first pair of gloves a few weeks after that, custom fit to the shape of his large hands.

“What are those for?” Angel asked, sipping Aki’s brand of beer when the devil hunter slipped on the pair. They were in their own little bubble in a half-hidden corner of the bar, shielded a bit by tall fake foliage and away from the crowd near the stairwell that led to the bottom level.

“These are so I can touch you all over,” he replied, practically purring.

Angel stared at him, dumbfounded, as he continued sipping at his now empty drink cup.

“What?”

Aki met his gaze, pausing for a moment before checking the stretch of the gloves.

“Yeah. Your abilities don’t work through clothing, right?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“I mean… no. I just didn’t think that you… you know, meant all of that.”

“Well, I did,” Aki said teasingly, caressing Angel’s cheek with his now-covered thumb. “I love watching you, but I want to touch you, too, as intimately as I can. You’ve done all you can to make me feel good, to help me feel better. I want you to feel good too, Angel. An equal exchange, remember?”

Angel stared at him, his eyes flicking back and forth from Aki’s eyes to his lips.

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

Aki slipped his thumb into his mouth. The devil lapped at the digit with his tongue, letting Aki caress his tongue and teeth before removing his finger; spreading some of Angel’s spit against his lips.

“Way too long to just now be doing something about it.”

If anyone ever asked Aki if he started that night with the intention of giving Angel a handjob in public, he’d say no, because he didn’t. Did it happen anyway? Yes, and if you confronted him about it, he wouldn’t even pretend to feel a lick of shame.

“We could go downstairs,” Angel said, biting his lip to keep his noises at bay. Aki had moved to sit next to him, caressing his cock through the fabric of his skirt—straining against the black stockings he’d put on underneath.

Angel wasn’t what Aki would define as traditionally feminine, not necessarily. Still, the devil was gorgeous and often seemed confused by the rigidity of human ideology when it came to what gender should wear what clothing. It was so stupid, he’d told Aki, how ridiculous humans could be about self-expression. They’d had that talk the night the devil hunter punched a guy in the bar over Angel when the guy called him a very human slur. Angel let Aki play with the sensitive feathers on his wings until he came after that.

“You want to go downstairs? You look so pretty trying to keep quiet, though.”

Aki nuzzled his nose against Angel’s hair, careful not to touch his scalp as he tapped his finger against the wet spot of precum dripping from the devil’s slit. He pinched the head through the fabric, pushing his palm firmly back and forth to move the thin skin covering Angel’s length. The teasing didn’t last very long, given how hopelessly turned on the whole ordeal made Aki. He wanted Angel so badly, more than he’d ever wanted anything else in his life. The devil made Makima feel like a schoolyard crush; this was real. He’d never felt something more real.

“Can you come like this, baby?” Aki asked, pushing up Angel’s skirt just enough to slide him out of the confining fabric beneath.

Suppose anyone came around to sit in front of them at their table or looked over from a high enough vantage point at the bar. In that case, they’d easily notice Aki’s hand working beneath the fabric, his shoulder moving with an unmistakable motion. They’d see Angel trying and failing to contain the small noises spilling from his mouth as his head rested on Aki’s shirt, only concealed by the music coming from the overhead speakers and the loud chatter of patrons pouring in. Aki watched Angel peek over his shoulder, shutting his eyes as he ducked his head against Aki’s chest before he came, covering the inside of his skirt in sloppy wet come.

Once the high came down and Angel chugged a beer, he turned back toward Aki.

“Your turn,” the devil said, moving faster than Aki had ever seen as he headed towards the stairwell, dragging Aki along in his haste to get out of sight.

They didn’t even make it to the bathroom before Angel was bending himself over a stack of boxes in the basement, pushing his skirt up over his hips as he presented himself to Aki.

“God, you’re such a slut. How does a devil even get like that, huh?” Aki said, two seconds before ripping a hole in Angel’s tights.

He marveled at the devil’s hole on display for him, puckered and pink in a beautiful contrast to the dark fabric protecting his skin around it. He fumbled with the lube he’d stashed in his pocket before pressing one lubed finger, then two, into Angel.

“Fuck,” the devil said, eliciting a little chuckle from Aki.

“Fuck? It feels that good baby?” Aki teased, hooking his finger to press against Angel’s prostate.

The devil moaned, surprisingly loud in the isolated space. He started subconsciously fluttering his wings, arching his back further against the boxes as his cock slowly progressed toward full hardness again.

“Stop teasing,” the devil whined, pushing his hips back against Aki’s hand.

Aki didn’t prolong things—too on edge and too lustful to delay it any longer. It’d been months—months—that he’d thought about doing this with the devil. Every time Angel wore a skirt, pretty and frilly even when they were black; every time the devil looked him in the eyes and read him like he’d been given the blueprint to Aki’s soul; every time they shared a nearly there touch or watched each other get off since they’d decided to do things a better way, without indulging Aki in hurting—punishing—himself. He wanted so badly. He needed Angel so badly.

“Tell me if it hurts,” he said, hastily putting on a condom that he’d had stashed in his wallet for far too long.

He pushed forward, sinking into Angel with a groan when his hips met the subtle curve of Angel’s ass. They were protected through maybe too many layers of clothing, but Aki loved it. It felt so dirty like that. They were so desperate for each other that they couldn’t even get their clothes off in the neon lighting of the bar basement. Part of him ached to feel Angel’s skin as he gripped his hips, fucking into him so hard with the missing resounding sound of skin against skin, but it was good—so good—inside of the devil’s tight heat. Aki couldn’t be blamed for how long he lasted.

“I’m gonna come, Angel,” he said, reaching beneath Angel to grab his cock, jerking the devil in time with his thrusts.

His voice was deep and gruff as he came, groaning as he emptied himself inside of Angel, his cock twitching as he poured more and more come into the condom separating them. The devil followed close behind, fucking himself into Aki’s hand as his second orgasm came crashing down on him.

They held their position for a while, even after Aki moved to slide his cock out; Angel held him in place, looking over his shoulder to smile at the devil hunter. Aki hunched over the devil, putting them at eye level and just looked at him for a while. Their stares lingered for a breath too long, and Aki kissed him, holding the back of Angel’s head steady when he started to push Aki away. He let it continue for one more moment, and when the kiss was over, Aki rested his head against the crown of Angel’s head, protected by the thick tendrils of hair.

“Don’t tell me how long that was. I don’t want to know. I just needed to feel you this way, one last time.”

Angel closed his eyes, soaking in the thinly veiled touch.

“Okay. That was the last time.”

xx

“If those two idiots don’t get their shit together, I’m going to lose my mind.”

Angel chuckled, plucking away the cigarette hanging out of Aki’s mouth. They were sitting on the rooftop of the bar, a small makeshift area for smoking that doubled as an unkempt garden. It’d been eight months, give or take a few weeks, and things in Aki’s life had been okay for the most part—minus one aspect of it.

“Just tell them to leave then,” Angel said, taking a long drag. “I know your boss is intense or whatever, but if it’s that bad, then maybe she’ll put them on someone else; give you a break for once. They’ve been living with you for almost a year now.”

Aki groaned, turning Angel’s face towards his with his sleeve-covered wrist. It was a weekend, and he wore a simple long-sleeve black shirt, oversized on his lean frame, and black jeans. His earrings were some dangly number Power harassed him into wearing, and his shoes were some fancy brand that Himeno bought.

“You wouldn’t get it,” he said, breathing in Angel’s air when he blew out the cigarette smoke. Angel turned it toward him, letting him get a good hit before commandeering it again. Aki let him; he had more. “I have to do this—hunt devils. I can’t find him if I don’t, and I can only gather enough intel and resources to do that in public safety. It’s a lose-lose situation.”

Angel scoffed, tugging a strand of Aki’s hair that was blowing into his face from the light breeze. Aki groaned, scratching his fingernails lightly over Angel’s wings, laughing with the devil when they retracted inward from the ticklish sensation. They both let the laughter fade, drinking sips from a shared beer and whittling down Aki’s pack of cigarettes.

“You know, for someone who swore up and down that they don’t like devils, you sure do seem to have a lot of them around—me included. I think you’re pretending.”

Aki chuckled, bitter and dry.

“No, I meant it. I just don’t mean it about you. I mean… those kinds—the ones who cause chaos just because and kill for the thrill of it. The kind who murdered my family. They’re what I hate. Not you.”

Angel blinked at Aki, taking another drag of the cigarette before giving it back.

“That sounds a little racist, actually, but I get it. I’ll let it slide.”

Aki snorted, choking on a mouthful of smoke.

“Raci—. That’s not—”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. That’s not how you meant it,” Angel said, smirking. “Aki, if these roommates of yours died tomorrow, how would you feel?”

Aki’s smile waned as he pondered it, sitting with the thought for a moment as he imagined his apartment empty. No Denji, no Power, and no other life within the space except for the thriving Parlor Palm plant on his living room balcony. There was a hollowness in his chest and his stomach when he let the thought linger too long. That if they were to die, that emptiness would never go away. It would fester like an untreated wound that sunk down to the bone.

“I don’t know. It would hurt, I guess,” he admitted, taking the new cigarette Angel had fished from his pocket out of the devil’s hand. “It would hurt a lot. I don’t think I could do this anymore without them around.”

Angel smiled softly, kicking his feet where they hung far from the ground on the rooftop’s edge. “If I died, how would you feel about it?”

Aki turned, looking at Angel’s face as the devil stared at the city in front of them. He looked beautiful, and Aki’s chest ached at the thought of never seeing him again—of never getting to speak to him again. Another hole would be left in his life; carving him out until nothing was left.

“Honestly?” he said, taking a deep drag. “My wallet would feel pretty grateful. I’ve never spent so much on booze in my life.” Aki chuckled, dodging the swat of Angel’s hand when it came for him.

“I’m serious,” Angel said, a hint of a whine present in his tone. He knocked his elbow against Aki’s arm, scooting a bit closer when a chill came through with the breeze. “How would you feel?”

Aki looked at him seriously, digging into his pocket to take out one of his gloves. He balanced the cigarette in his mouth as he slid it on, sucking on it like one of those thick sickly-sweet ice cream shakes that Angel loved, and he took the devil’s hand.

“It would hurt. It would hurt like hell. Don’t really know what I’d do with myself,” he said, smoking the cigarette down to the filter, “but don’t let that get to your head. I just… feel a lot of things sometimes. It doesn’t mean I like you.”

Angel chuckled, rubbing his fingers against the rough texture of Aki’s glove.

“Oh, of course not. Don’t worry, I don’t have the wrong idea,” Angel said, a smile cemented onto his face. “Well then, I’ll take that. Life’s all about the little things, after all.”

xx

One consequence of old bars is their bizarre love of theme nights. Fridays at Aki’s bar were—unfortunately—couples’ nights. The specials advertised half-price off spirits and brews for the lucky duos. He’d heard murmurs before that it was a good time, even for singles, but Aki normally skipped Fridays. It was his day to compile his reports and deliver them to Makima before the weekend. His hands were always cramped by the end of it, and he could literally feel the week wearing down on his joints. That Friday had been an off day, though.

His reports were short, simple, and quick to fill out, with minimal casualties to report. Denji and Power informed him that they were going out for the night, safe within the public safety-sanctioned boundaries that the knuckleheads were allowed to venture freely in. It felt weird being the only one at home. He’d grown used to the constant chaos within his abode and felt bizarre without the constant flow of bickering, laughing, and microwave sounds. So, he decided to go out.

Ignoring the calendar and the time on his phone, he left his house, dressed in a casual ensemble that he was actually proud of putting together. It was nice to be out of his work clothing, free of the second skin that built up the bulk of who he was. It felt strangely right as he walked out of his apartment block, his hair blowing with the flow of the wind as he headed to the bar for the first time in fourteen days.

“Wow,” the bartender said when he stepped into her domain, giving Aki a little clap as she came to his side of the bar. “Damn, baby. You clean up really nice.”

Aki chuckled, ducking his head to hide the blush creeping onto his face. His hair covered the red tint on his ears.

“So you’re saying I don’t look this good every day?” he said teasingly, tapering into a laugh as he lit a cigarette. The bartender gave him a beer to go with it, and all felt right as he melted into the bar stool. The relaxation was short-lived as a small commotion from the main area of the bar caught his attention, as well as everyone else sitting around him. When he saw a halo standing out in the crowd, he jumped out of his seat—his cigarette and drink abandoned on the bar. He shuffled through the group of people gathered around the dance floor and stopped in his tracks next to Angel—who was safe and sound—as they both looked at the sight.

A couple was in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by at least half of the bar as they danced. It wasn’t poise or sophisticated or anything special, but it was so visceral how much fun the two were having. They had total trust in each other as they spun around, twirling each other and swaying to the beat of some rock song that Aki didn’t know the name of. They were looking into each other’s eyes, dancing like nothing else in the world mattered.

Angel looked up at Aki, bumping into the devil hunter with his hip as they watched the couples around them start dancing, too.

“Do you dance?” Angel asked, getting a little closer to Aki as the dance floor got a little more crowded. They shuffled themselves a bit further away from the herd as they talked, despite Angel wearing long sleeves; they didn’t want any accidents.

“I can’t say it’s ever really been my thing,” Aki said, visibly shrinking in on himself as he watched the crowd. They were having fun, he thought, despite all the horrors of the world.

Angel swayed side to side a bit, laughing when Aki looked down at him like he’d grown a third head.

“What?” he said, snapping his fingers a little in time with the music. When the song instructed the crowd to clap, he clapped.

“Are devils secretly into dancing or something?” Aki said, thinking back on the little dances he’d frequently seen Power and Denji making up in their free time, even when there was no music to dance to.

Angel shrugged, his closed-mouth smile turning into an open one as he pushed some hair back behind his ear. He did it when he was either too hot—temperature and aesthetics-wise—or when he was feeling shy. The Cheshire cat couldn’t have rivaled how big Aki smiled when he realized it was the latter.

“Just shut up and dance with me,” Angel grumbled, pulling his sleeves down over his hands before he grabbed Aki’s wrists. “It won’t kill your cool guy persona to dance a little. No one here’s gonna judge you.”

Aki squinted, glancing over at the bar where their bartender was absolutely looking over at them, playful judgment plentiful and prepared on her tongue for when they came back to the bar. Angel looked back over his shoulder and saw her too, and his cheeks tinted pink from how hard he laughed.

“Okay, okay. Touche, maybe one person will judge you, but only a little.”

Aki felt his resolve crumble like sand, loose and shapeless beneath his feet. Like it, the effects of that night would linger on him for a long time. Every time he put on that outfit again, or heard that song, or saw Angel smile; he would think of that night with him, dancing at the bar, holding each other’s wrists as they swayed to the music.

“See? Living isn’t really that bad.”

xx

Aki walked into the bar midday on a Wednesday, eleven months after meeting Angel. He kicked snow off of his boots as he entered the familiar establishment. Makima suggested that he take the rest of the day off, and it would be remiss for him to decline such a kind offer. He separated from his division as they stood at a crime scene. Blood and snow mixed in the street, white mixed with bright splotches of red after a devil terrorized a small neighborhood.

Aki felt fine as he left, unsure of what exactly everyone was staring at him for, but he couldn’t concern himself with it. He was given the day off, blissfully able to occupy his apartment without the unwanted additions as they dealt with the fallout, and he was going to enjoy it.

Aki entered his apartment ready to indulge in his kitchen without hungry puppies nipping at his ankles for a bite. He was going to clean and shower in his bathroom without banging interrupting him or the sound of something breaking in the living room, making him get out early. He was going to watch what he wanted on TV, and smoke cigarettes on his balcony without having to peek inside every two minutes to ensure nothing was burning down. He was going to relax. He wasn’t going to think about the day’s date. He wasn’t going to fixate on what it signified, and he’d be damned if he cried.

He made it halfway through making an omelette before throwing the half-cooked eggs in the trash and heading out the door to the bar. He sat in his usual spot, the space around him nearly vacant as he drank alone with the day shift bartender hovering nearby, paying him little attention as the man read a thick book.

Aki made it through five beers before his skin started aching for Angel. He missed the devil’s touch—the sweet salvation that the devil’s abilities gave his mind. He wanted to feel his life siphoned away. He couldn’t handle the pain of his family being gone for another year. He needed to even the score, to honor them by bringing himself closer to them. Hunting devils wasn’t enough. He had to atone for his own sin of living when their lives had been lost—stolen, by that devil. He needed Angel to come to the bar and do that for him, so he waited.

Angel wasn’t in the bar when Aki first came, and he doesn’t show up when Aki is still there during the night shift. Part of him is grateful for it, too drunk to see straight and sobbing softly in the corner of the bar by himself. He would regret it if he let himself backslide. Things with Angel were different now; better. Using the devil felt wrong. It was wrong. He had to learn how to heal on his own. To better deal with his trauma and guilt on his own.

He went home, beer filled to the brim in his body, and he slept instead. He could talk it through with Angel later. As long as nothing happened between now and the next time he saw Angel, then things would be okay. Everything was going to be okay.

xx

Aki feels awful. It’s only a few days after the first anniversary of his year with Angel, and he’s lying alone in his bedroom, chain-smoking cigarettes despite the smell soaking into his sheets. The argument they’d had the previous evening was bad for a lot of reasons; it was made worse when Aki realized that the day was meant to be special. He’d spent a year of his life getting to know Angel; learning to love not only him but all of the devils in his life. He’d spent that same amount of time learning—trying—to love himself, to love life, with the devil at his side; he’d fucked it up in a night.

His family is gone, and he’d been right to be sad about that. Then, Himeno was gone—right after the anniversary—and he was right to be sad about that, too. He knew even Angel would agree with that, but something inside of him broke when he recalled how he had talked to Angel the night prior. He wasn’t justified in that. Even thinking about using sex—something so meaningful to the person he loved, someone who could hardly be touched—against him, trying to use it as his escape… he couldn’t look at himself. He couldn’t lie to himself convincingly and say he was justified in doing that.

They say the road of grief is not a linear one; Aki knew that. It is a road full of curves and bumps and maybe even a few potholes. There are sections where the road is newly paved, with a silky black finish from freshly dried asphalt, but there are also long stretches that are ragged and disjointed, with weeds popping up in the crescent-shaped cracks. If someone were to walk up to Aki and ask him to put into words how he feels, it would be like the long stretches of county road that have been scorched by the sun, cracked under the weight of too many things running over the surface for too long.

He’s just… tired. He wants Angel, and the devil is nowhere to be found.

“Aki. Aki, open the door.” Aki looks over at the door, pointedly ignoring it as he inhales another lungful of smoke. Denji and Power knew he was feeling bad today, and Power nearly killed them all with a “metal soup can in the microwave” situation trying to make Aki feel better that morning. He was over it.

“Aki, I will have Power come home and bust this door down. I’ll go Chainsaw mode right now, and you’ll have to buy a whole new one! We can do this the easy way or the hard way, old man.”

Aki rolls his eyes, getting up to reluctantly open the door.

“I’m not fucking old, dipshit.”

“Potato, po-ta-to, senior citizen Hayakawa. Why are you holed up in here like a stinky hermit crab? The neighbors thought we had a fire in here or something.”

Aki groans, plopping back onto his bed.

“Leave me alone, Denji.”

“Nope!” the hybrid says, plopping down next to Aki. He plucks the cigarette from his mouth, taking an experimental puff before coughing; shoving it back at the senior devil hunter. “Gross.”

Aki rolls his eyes again, tapping his foot against the floor where his legs hang off the bed.

“What do you want?”

Denji sets his hands on his stomach, intertwining them and playing with his fingers.

“Nothing, just coming to see what you’re so depressed over. You haven’t worked in two days, and you love work! Are you just playing hooky to go see whatever fine piece has been keeping you out at night for… forever now? What’s her name? What’s her ass look like? Is it big or small? Are you an ass guy or a boob guy, anyway? I could never get a good read on that about you.”

Aki groans, pressing his cigarette into the ashtray he’d sat on his bed.

“Denji, shut up.”

“I can’t be silenced,” Denji says, a touch too seriously for such a weird statement, “unless you spill the beans. Who is she? I know it’s not Himeno—RIP—and Makima’s too good for that. Power is… well, Power, and I would’ve heard you two at home by now. You always come home at night smelling like beer and sweet cream, but you’re still somehow awake on time for work. You don’t have that pissy look on your face all the time anymore. Well, except for right now, and you like… smile, sometimes. So, what gives? Girlfriend dump you? Did you have the crushing realization that she was just part of your imagination the whole time? I’ve had that dream, and when I’m done being sad about it, I just beat my d—”

“Jesus… enough!” Aki groans, his throat sore and slightly hoarse from abusing at least four packs of cigarettes in the last forty-eight hours. He sits up in the bed, looking down at Denji, who’s still lounging against the smoke-scented sheets. “I don’t have a girlfriend. He’s…” he pauses, “he’s not my girlfriend.”

Denji looks like the cat that got the cream.

“So there is someone? Tell me everything.”

Aki’s eyes ache from how hard he throws them toward the back of his skull. He gets out of bed and walks into the living room to clean the few things scattered around that the devils didn’t pick up for themselves. The apartment is surprisingly clean otherwise, Aki notes as he meanders into the kitchen with Denji hot on his trail. The devils did learn something in their time with him, after all.

“What are we? High school girls? Ladies at the salon?” Aki says, pouring himself a tall glass of water. “I don’t have to tell you shit, garden tool. Mind the business that pays you.”

“You being in top form does pay me. Well, it benefits me, I guess. We all have to be in top form; that’s what you said, right? So, what has you all bent out of shape? Who’s the mystery man? Is it Kishibe?”

Aki chokes on his water, dripping over the sink as he blows out the liquid trapped in his nose.

“Denji, fuck off.”

“I already said no!” he says, handing Aki some tissues. “Spill it! Spill it! Spill it! Spill it!”

“Okay! Fine, fuck. If it’ll make you stop talking,” Aki says, pulling the devil hybrid over to the couch. He pushes Denji onto the furniture while he floats around the space to water the few plants they’ve accumulated over the past year. He groans when he finds teeth marks in some of the leaves where Meowy has gotten too curious.

“His name is Angel. We met in a bar. I’ve been seeing him for about a year.”

Denji perks up, gripping his knees in excitement like a kindergartener.

“Okay? And…”

“And,” Aki says, gritting his teeth, “I like him a lot. He’s beautiful. He’s funny in that dry kind of way that makes you take a second to process it. He’s actually very kind, even if he acts like he’s not. He looks at the world in black and white but simultaneously sees some of the greys. Like, he calls it how he sees it but can acknowledge the bits he could be missing if there are any. He likes to dance. He makes life feel simple; much smaller but in a good way. He makes me feel like there’s more to life than this.”

Aki leaves out the devil in the details, despite other people in Public Safety being in bed with multiple fiends. Aki just… didn’t want to deal with the drama of that, for him or Angel, especially not from being outed by Denji. He would tackle that when it needed to be shared. Until then, it was his business.

“So, I’m missing where the problem comes in. Does he not want to put out? Do you not want to put out? Is he a bad kisser? It sounds like all the heart stuff is right, so what’s wrong?”

Aki sighs, dumping the leftover plant water in the flowerbed on the balcony, leaving the door open to let the air and his voice carry inside as he sits in his chair to smoke. Denji follows, sitting on the floor in the entryway to watch Aki settle in.

“The problem is me,” Aki says frankly, smoking the first cigarette halfway down in one inhale. He only has two left; he’ll have to go and buy more later.

Denji gasps, covering his mouth with his hand. “Aki. Are you… infertile?” he whispers, subtly (his version of it) pointing at Aki’s dick.

“Denji, even if I were infertile, that wouldn’t mean anything with the man I’m dating. Second of all, no! I’m pretty sure you’re trying to say impotent, anyway.”

“Well, yeah, you’re important, Aki. I can admit that,” Denji says, looking very proud of himself for the compliment. “Well, what exactly is your fault then if it’s not your dick or his dick? What else is there?”

Aki wipes his hand over his face, very much feeling like a father having the sex talk with a very education-deficient child.

“I’m fucked up,” he says plainly, popping a new cigarette out of the pack. “I lost my family, and I thought I was fine; I wasn’t. I’ve lost more colleagues than I can count at this job. I thought I was fine; I am not. I wanted to run away from it all so badly that I really—really—hurt his feelings. I went back on what we agreed to do, what I said I would do. I said I’d be better for myself and him, and I wasn’t, so he’s done, and I can’t blame him. He doesn’t deserve this shit.”

A beat of silence passed between them, filled with the sounds of the streets below them and the air whipping past from how high up in the building they were. He smoked the new cigarette down to the filter, plucking out the last one with a sigh before lighting it up.

“Why don’t you just retire then?”

Aki looks over at Denji like the boy just told him his mother was the second coming of the Virgin Mary. What he said felt just as unbelievable to the devil hunter.

“Excuse me?”

Denji looks at him with that characteristically dopey look on his face, flicking one of Aki’s lighters on and off. Aki does not know where he got it from; he also doesn’t tell him off about wasting the lighter fluid.

“I said quit. If it’s ruining your life so much, then quit. Kobeni resigned, and so did that survivor dude from Division One. Just… quit. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Aki stares blankly at him, cursing when his cigarette burns his thigh where he let his hand relax too much.

“I can’t quit, dumbass. They’d kill you and Power. Do you not remember the conditions of your being hired? Power too?”

“Dude, do you remember the conditions of us being hired? We were an experimental unit, sure, but Divison Four is merging with us soon. Makima will make concessions for you to leave. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it mattered yet, but I’m not shadowing you anymore. I’m a hunter, in my own right. So, don’t fuck up your relationship anymore on my behalf. If you’re tired, quit! Life’s too short to be miserable, man.”

Aki’s face hadn’t moved an inch since Denji started speaking. What happened to the horny teenage idiot that came into his house all those months ago, covered in dirt and smelling like the underside of a garbage container? His face looked as punchable as ever, but he was… different, more mature now, in some ways more than others. What the fuck.

“When the hell did you start making sense?”

“I’m very insightful when I try. Makima says so”

Aki rolls his eyes, stamping out the last of his cigarette. He couldn’t just… quit. He had too many opportunities before for an out, and he didn’t take them. It was too late to take them now. Wasn’t this his fate? For his family? For his pride?

“Aki, I can hear you thinking,” Denji says, a weird half smile on his face like he could actually hear Aki’s thoughts. “Look, Himeno told you to quit, and now she’s dead. I think now is a good time to finally take her advice, don’t you think?”

Aki opens his mouth to reply, but closes it just as quickly when he realizes he doesn’t know what to say. Denji comes out onto the balcony and squats in front of Aki, holding on to the senior devil hunter’s knees.

“Do you believe in me? Makima, the rest of Divison 4… everyone? Do you trust me to avenge your family? You’ve held on to the burden of it for way too long. You’ve done your dues, and I know I didn’t know them, but I’m sure your family would be proud of you. You can be done.”

Aki’s eyes feel wet when he looks down at the devil hybrid, brimming hot and fast with a reservoir of tears he’d held in for too long. God, he’d been holding it in for so damn long.

“Thank you Denji,” Aki says, pulling the younger man into a vice-like hug. Denji pats his back a little roughly, but it feels good. It lets Aki know that he’s there.

“You’re welcome. Now, go get your man. There are only so many places someone brooding enough for you could be hiding in this city.”

xx

Aki sits outside of an ice cream parlor after dark, still early but unlit apart from the business signs due to the time change. The cherry red bench makes him think of Angel’s eyes, and it reminds him of their first indirect kiss. It was cheesy, but after their first time, they left the bar to get ice cream. Angel wanted to try two flavors, so they got two flavors. He licked Aki’s ice cream cone, and Aki tasted his, and he knew then—deep down inside—that he was in for something deeper. The parlor had become the one place he and Angel frequented besides the bar, a hidden gem in the sea of the city that served the only ice cream that Aki had ever liked as an adult. He felt like a kid again when they went, untainted by the horrors of life as he ate his pretty pistachio ice cream cone.

He sits with a serving of the gilded flavor in his gloved hand, barely tasting it as he glances around the exterior, peaking his head into the building every few minutes to see if anyone has walked in through the back entrance. After two hours of sitting, he’s ready to call it quits when all of a sudden, he looks up, and the light around him is eclipsed by ethereal snow-white wings.

“What are you doing here?” Angel asks, glancing around at the sparse crowd of patrons a good distance away from them. His hands are shoved into the pockets of the oversized winter coat Aki gave him, and his wings are compacted small enough to be hidden within the fabric, though Aki can still see their outline pretty clearly.

“Hoping to run into you,” Aki says, having the good sense to look sad about it. “I just want to talk, please. Can we please talk?”

Angel huffs, slightly stomping his foot as he looks at anything but Aki.

“Only if you promise to stop pretending, then I’ll let you talk to me.”

Aki squints, confusion clear on his face as he looks up at the devil.

“What am I pretending about Angel? What do you mean?”

Angel scoffs, his eyes finding Aki’s in an instant. They’re brimmed with fire that matches the vermilion red of his hair.

“I don’t know, Aki. Like everything is okay. Like you aren’t hurting. Like you fucking hate me, maybe.”

Aki holds out his hand, looking at Angel’s face to decode the expression there. He doesn’t really need to, though. Angel is hurt, and Aki hurt him. He knows it’s on him to fix that.

“I don’t hate you, baby. I could never ever hate you.”

“You used to! You used to spout off all the time about how you didn’t like devils. Anytime I did anything that even remotely resembled humanity, you looked at me like I’d grown a second halo or something,” the devil says, his voice raising enough to draw the attention of one patron beside them.

“I know you’re in pain, Aki. I don’t really fully understand it, but I know how I would feel if I lost you. It would hurt like hell—literally! I would feel like a piece of my heart had been cut away. But, you’re here, and I’m here, and you had no right—none—to treat me like an indispensable fucking… devil. Like the devils that you said you hate. The kind that you keep around because they’re useful and nothing else.”

“I know,” Aki says, sighing as he tries to soothe Angel. “I agree. You’re right. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, and I know it’s on me now to fix it. I know you’re right an—”

“I’m right? Then why the fuck don’t you act like it? Huh?” Angel said, fire still burning in his doe-like eyes. “I know I’m a devil, but you’ve been such an asshole. I understand it now—the grief. I get it. I felt like a piece of my chest unraveled when I walked away from you; I can’t imagine that being permanent. I just… don’t take it out on me. Never again. Promise!”

“I promise. I swear to you, Angel,” Aki says, coaxing Angel into sitting down. The devil looks pissed; if they weren’t having such a serious conversation, Aki would swoon over it. “I’ve lost too much. I’ve lost so much and so many people. I didn’t know how to just… be. I didn't know how to live simply, but I want to try. I want to prove to you that I care—that I cherish you. I want to live, and I want to do it with you if you’ll let me. Can we?”

Angel stares at him, his anger still palpable but noticeably waning.

“Prove it to me how?” Angel says, his voice characteristically dry but also childishly snooty.

Aki reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small paper-clipped stack of forms. Angel takes them hesitantly, and Aki tears up when he sees the expression fully change on the devil’s face.

“You’re quitting?”

“I already quit,” Aki says, sniffling as Angel grabs his hand tight, pulling him into a hug.

There are too many layers between them again, and Aki aches to kiss Angel, but this is okay. He’s holding the man he’s grown to love, and there’s nothing but opportunity ahead of them both. Aki shares his ice cream with Angel, partially melted and a little crushed from how tightly he’d been holding it, and he feels at peace, for the first time in god knows how long. He doesn’t quite know where they’ll go from here, but he has newfound security in knowing they’ll figure it out together, for the rest of their lives.

-------------------

𖨆♡𖨆 the end! what'd you think? reblog, reply, or send me an ask to lmk 𖨆♡𖨆

╰┈➤ pt. one; full fic on ao3; thank you for reading!

#csm fanfic #akiangel #aki x angel #csm smut #akiangel fic #kk.writes #kk.others

[cosmicsketch]

How do you deal with art blocks?

I've been cutting down on bad habits like quitting cigarettes or spending too much and incorporating healthier coping mechanisms in my life to improve my quality of life, little by little. However I'm finding myself now feeling demotivated from going through these changes that have been affecting my creativity and facing art block these days.

I have tried drawing things I used to draw and it didn't seem to work. The ideas won't come as naturally as they used to. I have realized lately this year i have taken a habit of taking a long break whenever I have this issue which actually gets me nowhere. So again i have to start thinking differently.

Doodling really helps free up my mind. I have noticed when I keep painting and drawing for my work, i get stuck into this routine and the same kinds of themes of artworks that have become more habitual which leaves no room for flexibility and spontaneity. To make things easier, i had cut an A4 paper into 4 pieces smaller. Whenever I feel like doodling, I grab a paper and pen start drawing random lines, shapes and objects without really thinking of a plan to be more playful and less rigid in my creativity. I do this at least a few times a day each time taking like 5 - 10 minutes. After I wake up in the morning or after a meal or before I start painting or after playing a video game and so on. This helps me to fight through my art block but at the same time it also needs consistency to work. The more practice the easier it feels but this alone is not enough for myself.

After reading the atomic habits book, i felt inspired to make my own habit tracking schedule. To keep myself motivated i gave myself some rules to apply for next month. My goal is to work 8 hours a day except once a week which can be my rest day. Although after going through a big break a few times this year my speed has been slower than before and to get back on track i tend to put more pressure on myself which leaves me even more dissatisfied. Perfectionist tendencies? Indeed. So I'm making a system. Each hour I work for i get a reward. The more hours i work the more reward i can have. If i work for an hour, i get to snack on a chocolate, if I work for 4 hours i can order food home and give myself a treat. I made a rule also, if I lose a day of work, my saved reward will be lost. I can stack up and save these rewards for my rest day where I can truly enjoy or use it that very day. In all, it's like a video game. (I'm a gamer so this hypes me up) so far it has inspired me to work harder. Second day of trying and I was able to do art for 2 hours + even though i ruined a couple of them as well. It's also important to tell yourself you're making progress instead of beating yourself up. When I do beat myself up, I'm not going anywhere and setting myself back. So no point in that. Usually i work putting a stop timer from my phone for one hour. I can take a break anytime and get back to it when i feel ready again. This seems to be effective because the few days I tried to do art before then, I was barely able to keep on for 30 minutes.

Next I'm gonna try listing down some of the things i want to practice painting or drawing. Like I wanna learn how to draw cities and architecture which I can be bad at. I would like to learn how to draw more detailed trees or get creative like create my own kinds of flowers in my imaginary world.

This is what I came up with to fight through art block. I shall post again to update on the progress.

#art blog #artlife #artist #self development #habits #artists on tumblr #artistlife #artistsoninstagram #routine #self help #writing #about art #art

[sage-nebula]

what are the reasons Miles Prower is problematic i need to know.

It took me a minute to remember I had mentioned this, hahaha. For those not in the know, this is in reference to AU!Miles/Tails in my fic Beyond Oblivion.

I won't share everything on the list because not everything has come up in the story yet, and there are some things that I want the audience to learn as Sonic learns them, buuut here are some of the items from the list that have either already come up, or I'm not sure if they'll come up organically (and therefore might not come up at all), in no particular order and under a cut for chapter two spoilers:

Reasons Why Miles Prower, Sysadmin of the Robotnik Empire, is Problematic:

Doesn't care too much about the fact that Knuckles is (99.9% most likely) dead, and thinks it's good that the Empire has the Master Emerald (and the seven smaller Chaos Emeralds), and also, if pressed, would say that it was pretty selfish for Knuckles to be keeping the Master Emerald on Angel Island anyway, because it has so much power that could help so many and further scientific innovation so much, and so hoarding it on an island in the sky—where islands aren't even supposed to be—is just really selfish and irresponsible.

Rarely sleeps, because science is more important than sleep. Rarely bathes, because he just doesn't have time (unless he's going to see Eggman, at which point he tries to make time so he can look and smell presentable). Eats maybe one meal a day, if he gets his work done, and thinks this is reasonable because he's there to do a job, not indulge in a buffet.

Has used Dr Starline's performance enhancement serum (which shuts down pain receptors, increases muscle strength and elasticity, increases adrenaline output to heighten senses and energy, etc) quite a few times in the past to meet deadlines, or else make more progress on his projects. Since it shuts down pain receptors, this serum always causes a serious uptick in injuries while he's working that he doesn't notice until either the serum wears off and he can feel pain again, or he passes out from blood loss. He sees no issue with this. (The robot babysitter that has to mop up the blood is usually pretty annoyed by it, though.)

Has unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as biting himself or twisting his tails hard during panic attacks. He believes this is perfectly reasonable, because if he's hurt then his brain will shift focus and chemical priority to the pain instead of to the cortisol emissions and everything else that goes into the panic and anxiety spiral. Scientifically, he's not exactly wrong, but it's still not great.

Has hacked into G.U.N.'s systems and also found his way into old files from Space Colony ARK and Gerald Robotnik's research and knows all about Project Shadow and the Ultimate Lifeform that's in cryostasis. Has no plans to do anything with this information, though.

Has absolutely beaten one of his robot babysitters with the babysitter's own arm before. To be fair, the robot babysitter deserved it.

Listens exclusively to EDM.

And I think that's all I can share for now. (There is one more thing that was almost on this list because it's been alluded to, but I'm going to wait until it's fully out there before I add it. It's one of those "best learned when Sonic learns it" things I think.) But as you can see, he already has a rap sheet. Turns out being raised by the series big bad doesn't do you any favors. Who would have guessed.

#anonymous #fic: beyond oblivion #i won't put this in the character tag just in case someone misses the bit at the top #and misunderstands that I'm talking about an AU version of Tails #and not canon Tails #but still #disordered eating mention #self-harm mention

[johnthehustler]

7 Powerful Mindset Changes That Will Lead to Lasting Weight Loss

If you’re looking for lasting weight loss success, the key to achieving it lies in your mindset. Making changes to your attitude and thought process can be hugely beneficial in helping you maintain a healthy lifestyle and reach your weight loss goals. In this blog post, we’ll explore seven powerful mindset changes that will help lead to lasting weight loss.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

1) Give Up the All-or-Nothing Mentality One of the biggest mistakes that people make when trying to lose weight is adopting an all-or-nothing mentality. This type of mentality means that any slip-up in diet or exercise means the whole plan is ruined and you should just give up. This type of thinking can be incredibly damaging to your long-term weight loss goals. Instead of an all-or-nothing mentality, try to think in terms of progress over perfection. Every mistake is a learning experience and an opportunity to make better decisions in the future. It’s important to remember that there will be setbacks along the way. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up for them. Instead, focus on what you did right and how you can continue to move forward toward your goals. It’s also helpful to find positive reinforcement from sources other than your own self-evaluation. Find a friend or family member who will support you, even through tough times. Celebrate small wins with them, like completing a workout or sticking to a healthy meal plan. This can help keep you motivated and prevent you from slipping back into an all-or-nothing mentality.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

2) Focus on How You Feel, Not Just on the Number on the Scale When it comes to losing weight, it’s easy to become obsessed with the number on the scale. We get so caught up in reaching our goal weight that we forget to focus on how we feel as well. But focusing solely on the number on the scale can be incredibly disheartening when the number doesn’t budge or even goes up. This can lead to feelings of discouragement and defeat, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as restricting or over-exercising. Instead, focus on how your body feels. Is your energy level higher? Do you have more endurance during workouts? Do you find yourself eating more nutritious foods? Focusing on how our body feels shifts our mindset from a “lose weight” mentality to an “improve my health” mentality. This is more sustainable and enjoyable than dieting. Regarding weight loss, it’s important to remember that many factors are at play. Your body may not always respond in the way that you want it to, and that’s okay! The most important thing is to make sure that you are feeling good and taking care of yourself. So instead of beating yourself up for not reaching your goal weight, focus on how you feel. You’ll find that this attitude leads to a much healthier, happier lifestyle overall.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

3) Ditch the Diet Mentality When it comes to lasting weight loss, the diet mentality simply isn’t effective. Fad diets and crash diets are typically unsustainable and can actually set you back from your goals in the long run. It’s important to make healthy changes that you can maintain for the rest of your life if you want to achieve lasting weight loss. Rather than focusing on what you can’t have, focus on what you can do to nourish your body. Start by eating foods that are nutrient-dense and full of essential vitamins and minerals. Fill your plate with vegetables, fruits, lean proteins, healthy fats, and whole grains. Cut out processed, high-sugar, and high-fat foods. You don’t need to follow a strict meal plan or count calories to lose weight. Eating smaller meals more frequently throughout the day can help keep your energy levels up and prevent overeating. Don’t be afraid to indulge in your favorite treats every now and then – just be mindful of portion sizes. Remember, changing your relationship with food isn’t about deprivation; it’s about developing healthy habits that will help you reach your goals. So ditch the diet mentality and instead focus on creating sustainable lifestyle changes that will last.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

4) Create a Positive Body Image Having a positive body image is essential to lasting weight loss. Negative body image can lead to destructive behaviors such as emotional eating, crash dieting, and over-exercising. To create a positive body image, it's important to focus on what you love about your body, not just what you don't like. Celebrate your body for the things it can do, rather than focusing on its shape or size. When you focus on the things you love about your body, you'll be more motivated to make healthy choices and stick with them. Try to think of one thing each day that you appreciate about your body and make sure to express gratitude for it. When negative thoughts creep in, reframe them into something positive or remind yourself of why you're working towards lasting weight loss. It's also important to challenge the "perfect" beauty standards that are everywhere in media and society. Instead of striving for perfection, strive for self-acceptance and appreciation of all your features. Learning to love your body the way it is now will help you stay on track with healthy habits and ultimately achieve lasting weight loss.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

5) Respect Your Body Respecting your body is essential for long-term weight loss success. You need to recognize that your body is capable of amazing things and it deserves the care and respect it deserves. It's important to understand that food isn't the enemy, and it's okay to give yourself permission to indulge once in a while. Remember that you can make healthy choices while also enjoying yourself. Start by listening to your body's cues and responding to them with respect. If you're feeling hungry, eat. If you're full, stop. Listen to your body's signals to help guide your food choices. Don't punish yourself for making mistakes or for eating something that doesn't fit into your diet plan. Instead, show yourself compassion and understanding. You should also respect your body by getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and taking time for yourself to relax and unwind. Too often, we get wrapped up in the weight loss process and forget to take care of ourselves as whole people. Self-care is key for mental and physical health, so make sure to give yourself some love and affection. By respecting your body, you'll be more likely to stay on track with your weight loss goals. When you practice self-care and treat your body with kindness, it will be easier to make healthier choices and stick to your plan. So don't forget to give yourself a break and show yourself some love - you deserve it!

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

6) Exercise for Health, Not Weight Loss When it comes to weight loss, exercise is often seen as the primary tool. But, it’s important to remember that exercise is about much more than just weight loss. Exercise is essential for overall health and wellbeing, and should be approached with this in mind. Regular physical activity helps to reduce the risk of many chronic diseases and can help you maintain a healthy weight. It also boosts your mood, reduces stress, and increases energy levels. Aiming to exercise for your health and wellbeing instead of solely for weight loss can help you stay motivated and encourage you to stick with an exercise program over the long-term. Rather than focusing on how many calories you burn during each session, focus on how good it makes you feel. Try different activities, such as walking, cycling, swimming, or strength training, until you find something that you enjoy. Incorporate movement into your daily life by taking the stairs instead of the elevator or going for a brisk walk during your lunch break. Exercise isn’t just about achieving a certain number on the scale or a specific body shape. It’s about taking care of yourself and honoring your body with physical activity. When you approach exercise with a positive attitude, it can become an enjoyable part of your life that you look forward to every day.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE BEST WEIGHT LOSS GUIDE FOR FREE

7) Learn to Love Yourself If you want to experience lasting weight loss, it is essential to learn how to love yourself. This means being kind and compassionate to yourself, even when you make mistakes or slip up in your journey. Developing a self-love practice can help you to recognize your own self-worth and be gentle on yourself. Start by taking time each day to connect with yourself and create moments of self-care. Do things that make you feel good, like yoga, reading a book, or taking a hot bath. Spend time outdoors and connect with nature. Write in a journal about things you appreciate about yourself or things you are proud of. Learning to appreciate your body is another important step in learning to love yourself. Appreciate your body for what it is capable of doing, rather than focusing on its appearance. Acknowledge the things your body can do and thank it for the hard work it does. Take the time to listen to what your body needs. Eat nourishing foods and engage in physical activities that bring joy and satisfaction. When you become aware of negative self-talk, practice replacing it with more positive statements. Focus on things that you love about yourself and acknowledge your progress throughout your journey. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, and kindness. By learning to love yourself, you will become empowered to reach your weight loss goals and create lasting lifestyle changes. Cultivating self-love is an essential part of the journey and will help you achieve success.

#weight loss #fitness #mindfulness #mind set

[tea-and-spoons]

Today’s Tips: Nausea

Trigger warning for emetophobia here, and mentions of disordered eating.  Nothing graphic, but proceed with caution.

Feeling nauseous is another one of those symptoms that I think a lot of us spoonies deal with, a lot of the time.  Myself included, so I’ve gathered quite a collection of coping mechanisms over the years.  Not everything works for everyone, but hopefully you find something that gives you some relief.

-Ginger!  The classic is ginger ale, but that doesn’t have much actual ginger in it, and the carbonation can bother your stomach too.  My favorite is candied ginger- it works really well, but can be a little spicy.  Ginger candy, ginger mints, and ginger tea are all good choices too.  You can also add ground ginger to your food, I like to hide it in my breakfast.

-Mint.  Like ginger, peppermint can help calm your stomach down.  Tea and mints (with real peppermint) are easy ways to get this.

-Placebo.  I know I said earlier that real ginger and peppermint work better, but if you associate a flavor with feeling better, the fake version might work too!  Sipping tea or sucking on a hard candy can be very calming, so that can help in and of itself too.

-Don’t wait for it to get bad.  I find this is true for many symptoms- if you wait to treat it until it’s awful, the treatment isn’t going to work as well.

-Medications.  I feel like I know every trick in the book for dealing with nausea, and sometimes it’s just not enough.  When I explained to my doctor that it was happening every day and I was missing school, I got a prescription for anti nausea meds, and they are magical.  There are some over the counter meds for nausea too, although I haven’t personally tried them.  The thing I do know, is that nausea from motion sickness is different from other nausea!  Meds for one won’t really work for the other, because they’re affecting different pathways in your body.  Although, interesting fact, benadryl works for motion sickness.  It’s super similar to over the counter motion sickness meds.  (mast cell disease friends, your mast cells might be causing motion sickness even when you’re still, FYI.  Same goes for vertigo).  (Okay, tangent over).

-Ice and cool washcloths.  Feeling too hot can definitely add to nausea, so staying comfortably cool can help.  An ice pack or cool, damp washcloth on your forehead, stomach, the inside of your wrists, or the back of your neck should be most effective at cooling you off, but you can put it wherever feels good.

-Deep breaths.  I don’t know exactly why, but this often helps.  At the very least, it takes some of the anxiety out of the equation.

-Distraction.  This is a great one for while you’re waiting for meds to kick in, or for when you know anxiety is a major cause.  A distraction that won’t set off any motion sickness is best (aka not a video game, or reading in the car).

-Small sips of cool water.  I find this one works particularly well for acid reflux related nausea.

-Eating foods that are more bland and gentle.  Generally, things that are fried, spicy, strongly flavored, or very acidic (lemonade, tomato soup, etc). are harder on your stomach.  So eating things like rice, applesauce, juice, bananas, toast, chicken broth might help.  Everyone’s so different though, so it’s more about what works for you and your body, this is just a starting point.

-Have a little snack.  Sometimes, ironically, nausea is caused by going too long without eating, or from taking meds on an empty stomach.  This feels like a major design flaw with the human body to me, but apparently we’re stuck with it, so- now you know.

-Having more smaller meals, instead of only 2 or 3 big ones.  Less for your digestive system to handle at once, you know?

-Apparently, sniffing rubbing alcohol?  I haven’t personally had any luck with this, but I see so many other people rave about it that I figured I had to list it here.

-Look at pregnancy products.  There are all kinds of candies and supplements and tools made to help with morning sickness, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use them to help other nausea!

-Get some fresh air.  Turn on a fan or open a window, especially if you know you’re feeling gross from motion sickness or dizziness.

-Rest.  Sometimes you just need to lie still and relax for a while.

-Make note of what makes you feel worse, so you can avoid it in the future.  Fellow neurodivergent spoonies, I find that any form of overstimulation will always make me feel gross, so the calmer (and quieter and stiller and unscented-er and so on) I can make my world, the better.

-Keep a food diary.  Keeping track of what you eat, and when you feel sick, can help you figure out if there’s a pattern.  This is also a common thing doctors ask you to do, so you’ll be one step ahead if you decide to see a specialist about nausea.  HOWEVER.  However.  If you have an eating disorder, are in recovery from an eating disorder, or are at all at risk for disordered eating- this is a really risky thing to do.  I’m generally very good about having a healthy attitude towards food and weight, but keeping a food log was still tough for me.  This can be REALLY triggering, so please skip this, or at least proceed with caution, if you’re at risk.  Another option is only keeping a food diary when you feel like you can handle it.  If you only make it three days and have to quit, that three days is still helpful information.  Please take care of yourself <3

Oh, and one more note- maybe don’t cut out gluten without asking your doctor about testing for celiac disease first.  You have to be eating gluten for the test to be accurate.  I learned that one the hard way.  Non-celiac gluten issues are totally real, but if you want to rule celiac disease out, keep this in mind.

-Chronic nausea, especially to the point where it’s causing problems with your diet or quality of life, is worth asking a doctor about.  I assumed it was just something I have to live with, but when I saw a new doctor, she said, “That’s not okay, I think we can do better”.  So she ran some tests, adjusted my meds, and what do you know, I’ve been feeling better!  I know it can be really hard to get doctors to listen, but if it won’t hurt to ask, I think it’s worth trying.  They might be able to address the root cause or provide different medications, which are things you can’t handle on your own.  Playing the card about quality of life might be convincing- tell them specifics about how much it’s interfering with your life, and ask what your options are.  Good luck! 

If I missed any good tips, you’re welcome to add on, just leave out any graphic details, please!

#teaandspoons #nausea #chronic illness advice #stomachache #disability #spoonie #disability advice #celiac #gastroparesis #MCAS #GERD #IBS

[foreverunfound]

What happens when you restrict too low - horror stories that may haunt you under the microscope 4.0

Hello! This is part of series that recently has been appearing on my blog named “Horror stories that may haunt you under the microscope”. These posts are about things that involve weightloss, training and similar stuff. If you’re intrested and don’t wanna miss out follow me (yikes I know). Today’s post is about dangers of low restrictions - not the great ones that comes more later than sooner - cause everyone knows them. It’s about this smaller dangers that can really affect you bad after a short while of restricting too low. Today’s topis is:

  “What happens when you restrict too low”

Firstly it is important to explain what hides behind phrase “restrict too low”. We all got some nutritional needs that need to be fullfiled in order to allow our bodies’ proper function. It’s obvious. When we try to lose weight we usually eat less and that’s okay. The thing is you need to know how much to restrict in order to benefit from it instead cause suffer. You should never go below your BMR which is amount of calories your body uses only to keep you alive. Nothing more. But eating your exact BMR isn’t too good either. The best way to tell how much you should be eating to lose weight is to check your TDEE (total daily energy expenditure) which is amount of calories you use throught all day on everything you do including basic body functions, spontanical movement, work outs and other stuff - there are a lot of good free calculators online which will help you in that - when you know how much it is you should eat around 200-500 kcals less.

But what happens if you not enough, when you restrict too low?

There are a lot of risks and I will divide them into categories - you can choose only the ones that are somehow intresting for you cause I know not everyone really cares that much for health here (but you should!).

1. VANITY - If you care about your looks here’s what can happen:

*skin - at first it will get clearer. Less pimples yay. You will  probably get more pale. Then your skin gets dry. Not like “less oily nice matt dry” - it gets really freaking dry. It’s yikes.

*hair - no one likes excess hairloss right? Well you might wanna get used to that. You will loose a bunch of hair - the longer you diet like this the thinner and less shiny your hair will appear.

*figure - will you get thinner? Yes. But you will be dehydrated and will lose a lot of muscle in proccess. It means you probably will have flabby skin - of course if you don’t start binging like most of people and gain all (or even more) of the weight you lost back. Lack of muscles might seem great to some of you but I’m not talking little dainty cindirella, I’m talking about flabby small legs without shape. It’s yikes. You will likely get skinny-fat even if you work out cause you will keep loosing muscles.

*brittle nails

2. EMOTIONS - when you’re hungry your emotions at first will escalate. You will get irritated easily. Weary mentaly and physicaly. Then comes more downsides as when you don’t really give your brain energy you can start to feel “depressed” - I’m not telling you that you will get real depression because of that but you can feel sad. Feel not enough of emotions daily. You can get kinda anhedonic.

3. SEX DRIVE - Sex what? You will probably lose your sexdrive (or most of it) because you will be too damn tired and angry/sad/numb.

4. G-I TRACT ISSUES - If you eat not enough after some times your body gets unused to some products. You will bloat more often when you eat a decent meal. You will find it hard to take a d*mp cause you just don’t have enough food in your belly. Did I mention belly aches? God they’re awful. Not even hunger pains, but pain and nausea after eating literally anything.

5. HEADACHES - it’s self explainatory. Low glucose levels tend to trigger the worst kind of headaches possible.

6. BINGES - If you’re restricting too low you will likely binge from time to time. It will lead to weight fluctuations that can make you uncomfy (even though it’s mainly water weight if binges are not repeated a lot or huge), nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, bloating and eventual real weight-gain if you get stuck on binging. It’s common among people who restrict low to end up in binge-restriction cycles and not really lose a lot. It can afterall lead to full-on eating disorder which is living hell.

This post is a little bit different from the others but I know there are a lot of teenagers here (I was one of them back in time) that are easily influenced. I added some tags I never use on purpose so it would reach more people in need. If you’re reading this while thinking about starving yourself/restricting really low I promise you you can lose weight healthily. You can have just the body you want. No matter your age, gender. This is all in your head. Starving yourself is never the solution - it’s just coping mechanism and it will never solve your problems. If you really need to lose weight do it healthy way. The things I wrote about - they’re the smalles risks really that appear rather soon. Later it just gets worse. My DMS are always open to people who need advice, support or just simple talk.

Please stay safe guys xox

#pro ana #ed #edthoughts #eating disorder #calories #thinspiration #thinspii #thinspo #fitblr #fitspo #bootynetics #fitnessbrains #weightloss #workout #wellness

[abowlofpetuniasandawhale]

i feel weird posting about this because it’s such a sore subject for so many (including me) but i kind of wanted to write about this and reflect on it for my own personal growth so

i started eating in a calorie deficit on 12/4 after ~3 months of eating at maintenance and high volume strength training. Technically my eight weeks are up on 12/29 but I already feel like im basically where i need to be (and that alone, being satisfied with myself instead of wanting to double down and go smaller is such a success all by itself)

im so proud of myself, not for losing weight, but for managing to do it without a relapse even when my mental health has been in the toilet. obviously it wasn’t perfect and there were days where i definitely didn’t eat enough, but considering it was almost always out of laziness or genuine lack of appetite (hello tolerance break) instead of being the restriction game where i get obsessed with making the calorie count as small as possible, im calling it a success.

i definitely wish i had eaten more and especially eaten more protein. considering i lost 13lbs (which is too much for that amount of time, even if i’d had a much much higher body fat percentage to start with) i do think that more than a bit of my weight loss was in lost muscle mass because i wasn’t maintaining properly and wasn’t keeping up with my lifting as much (which i forgive myself for because i was literally starving, even if only slightly). i think i would have actually gotten even better results (in terms of my personal desired body composition, not weight lost because as i said i definitely lost too much weight too quickly for it to be healthy) if i had just made myself eat an extra snack a few nights a week

either way i think i’m going to end the deficit early and slowly start upping my calories and lifts again. i remember starting this not-a-diet and being so so terrified i was going to relapse completely and convinced i was going to have to stop myself.

i think i didn’t relapse for a number of reasons

1) from the beginning it was always going to be a finite period of time, based on research into body building-style bulking and cutting. having a definite end date in mind kept me focused on the fact that undereating was a temporary means to a specific end and not a form of self control, punishment, or coping mechanism. it also avoided the ED mentality of “i’m going to restrict as long as it takes until i look the way i want” which always comes with moving goal posts

2) i had one set menu that included 3 easy meals that could all be spiced up different ways (for example dinner was always tofu vegetable stir fry but the veggies, sauce, and seasonings are free choice), correct macros, and room for snacks. this kept me from overthinking, waffling about what i felt okay to eat, constantly reading labels, etc. and by the time i got bored of eating the same thing i was comfortable swapping out meals with roughly the same calories and macros to keep it interesting without having to obsess or overplan

3) i had/have an exit plan that’s evidence based. this consists of increasing calories 100-200 per day with a focus on macros and stopping or continuing based on how i feel, how my body responds, etc. for as long as it takes. Knowing what the next step would be, how to manage the situation if i shock my body and suddenly retain a bunch of water, and avoiding suddenly having to make myself eat more than i was used to and the anxiety that would come with that, all made me way more comfortable and confident that i was in control of the restriction and not the other way around. i also specifically didn’t plan out anything after i get back to maintenance so i’m not rushing.

i know i need to spend at least eight weeks at maintenance before i decide to bulk, cut again, or continue at maintenance and i plan to make that choice very leisurely (though with me having lost more lean muscle mass than anticipated and me really missing the energy to lift, i think i’m leaning towards a bulk. i think giving myself the opportunity to eat more and manage those feelings in a stable environment might actually be really good for my recovery, and having a goal that’s focused on building myself rather than shrinking myself seems like a good activity to push my comfort level.

lots of rambles to say TLDR; i did my very first mentally healthy, non-ed calorie deficit and i’m very proud of myself for staying consistent and not slipping into bad patterns again

#tw weight loss #tw diet culture #tw ed recovery #idk what the banned tag sitch is rn but id rather no one see it than someone who doesn’t want to do

[smndragon]

Hi there lovely! 🥰 I’m a new follower after seeing Medusa mention you pls pardon the intrusion 💜 do you mind if I could get a reading? My big 3 are Virgo sun, Gemini moon, Aries rising. Sorry if this is sudden but I like how detailed you were with Medusa’s placements ✨

Alright so my hands are kinda sweaty and my screen being cracked doesn't help me typing but let's go!

Hm, Virgo sun, Gemini moon, and Aries ascendant. This probably will be less detailed ask for more if wanted cause I miss things a lot sorry lol.

I'm trying to keep up and I know I'm not pressured but it's a personality thing😭 the first sign that reaches out is probably Virgo sun, since Virgo is my moon it feels more comfortable. It seems to want to fill me with its self, taking on liquid forms of green mush and slime. Mixes of cold blue are in the body of the Virgo sun, they seem to really crave affection and comfort. I see no home until writing this now. The walls of the Virgo Suns home are moist and damp, they feel as if the whole house had been submerged in water and lakey substance. I see myself smiling while messing with the peeled wall with my fingers. The Virgo is comforting. The wet of the walls says it enjoys the ocean and has trouble parting from those it loves. The host is above all a priority but sometimes it clouds it's judgment with this sense of loss somewhere. Many of the bodies Virgo has held have been pained and abused by natural law. They can't cope unless they are one with their host. Pieces of stardust fall from the ceiling, the middle room light is dim and yellow. The walls are now also a yellow. I smell the smoke of cigarettes. Possible influence dealing with your parents in childhood. I keep seeing the word "father" not necessarily bad your relationship could be wonderful it's just certain needs during childhood may not have been met. During your time Virgo sun tried it's best taking care of you, offering pieces of its constellation in the form of smiles and rest. I see freckles on someone. Possible chance of feeling either trans (wanting to be) or non binary at times. Astrology is a coping mechanism as many things now are. Possible placement in the shoulders, arms, neck, or pelvic area. It travels to the chest when It wants to feel closer listening to your heart beat as a gentle melody. The Virgo is asleep so on we move.

The Aries ascendant is trying to get to me. It feels warm, taking me up on its back and running as though the heat of the sun had reached its hooves. A white and black mixed coat adorned in many patches of cloth and silk. They enjoy passionate fires. We walk slower to an area in the trees, further into the horizon is a sunset and sun rising, this world is mixed in variation. I don't believe the moon exists in the rams domain unless it's hot summer nights. The Aries ascendant is a warm orange and red, flickers of white and ash fall around us. The ash of many fires gone and many more to come. You'd think your Aries would not be able to survive but it has been so used to the fire inside it basks in it. Possible problems when younger with anger management or expressing emotion. I see green eyes, mixed with yellow or blue. Wherever I go here there's someone smiling in the clouds around us. The ram adores children. Possible want for them or ability to manage them. They are most associated with children and know how to relate to them. I see people dancing in fall leaves. The Aries offers you the gift of joy, the joy that fills every crevice of your body, pools of lava in your veins that burn those hated and warm those who need it. I don't see much hate from you but with Aries and Gemini it is possible. Possible placements are in the hips, feet and legs, or ears?

I REALIZED IVE BEEN CALLING THEM THE SUN ON ACCIDENT because of this I think you may be more like your ascendant than other signs in outer personality shown to people.

Lastly the Gemini moon is present, the hot fire of the ram disappears and is replaced with a string in my hand. People have tried to cut it, spined out of gold and red. Reminds me of little red riding hood. That thought kinda marks me worried to where it leads. Possible search for love being an unnecessary priority. Your angels tell you to clam down with something. Athena and Ares gift you with eternal guidance. (I don't know many gods but I have theories on how they connect with people I'll talk about someday). Enjoy these days, Ares looks at you with kind eyes, blood hungriness isn't seen. They pity the thought of having to lose you as a patron. "Show your gods they raised a champion" that randomly came up with the thought of flowers. I can't remember which ones but forget-me-(k)nots I think they're called came up? You have many more days to come. Some cut short with anger, relief, rushes of adrenaline losing bits and pieces of memory. Now I feel I know where the line leads. Cabinets and great isles of files are shown. Almost like an office or library. There's still little light here. Aries isn't close enough to offer it's light it seems. I think it could be in the knees. The very stand of the body, the files hold memories of constant things. The reason I think they're in the knees is because it is the base of the body in a way, carries you up with the strength and help of the feet. Giving more light on Aries placement. They work in order to move things throughout the body. Papers, memories, thoughts, recalls. So many things go through them with Aries being the messenger. The Virgo doesn't seem to come out enough to see them often but they enjoy seeing the letters the two zodiacs write them when they feel down or sick. This balance is amazing.

All in all, you have many things ahead of you now and in the next life if you believe in it. I can't tell if you've strayed from your path or not, but in the end to me it really isn't that bad. We all need breaks and that's okay, resting near a tree isn't gonna damage you too much unless you spend months there. "Sing" the Aries tells me. Gift yourself the thought of a tommorow guaranteed.

Possible characteristics are: smaller arms maybe? Or hands. I see nice legs as they are a base of operation. You aren't exactly slim possibly from the Virgo sun. The Virgo gifts abundance like Taurus. It offers endless reassurance in your bones and flesh. Possible like for white shoes or crops and summer shorts. Your skin is either a tanned white or a dark honey kind of? Love of activity and friendships included. I thinks round 5'1-5'5. Your style is lovely in a way where your signs don't feel the need to coat you in fancy designers or great clothing. I see confidence brought on by the Geminis gifts and abilities to train themselves somehow (in a way I see training to love yourself either still ongoing or finished). Gemini cna multitask so probable ability to talk on the phone and cook hard meals someday💀 you have more to offer this world. In the form of a comforting havock. I don't know what more to say. Possible nose ring, piercings on the body, at least 1 or 2 in the ear if not nosed.

Possible pain in the sides. Watch for the woods and sharp things I saw? I keep seeing nails but that's weird at what do u plan on doing😰😰😰 make sure to check for gas wherever you go long term if you do in the future. Even if you're not the one driving.

Your kind of future relationship or now will be filled with love. Nothing more. Sometimes things may be thrown but uh calm down y'all are gonna be fine.

Possible other zodiac influence through other people is: Pisces, Cancer moon, mars, neptune, Taurus Venus, and Virgo suns

[polyolefinprince]

Hey! I'm currently struggling with school work, and am questioning whether I should even bother continuing further. Did/do you ever face similar struggles, and if so, what keeps you motivated? ❤️

Heyo, so this is a really serious problem that a lot of people face so I guarantee you that you are not alone there! I partially went into Chemical Engineering because I loved Math and Science even though they were actually my worst subject, and I occasionally scold myself for picking such a challenging major but if I had to go back and start over I don't think I would change anything.

The first thing I recommend is to look at your motivations. Why did you originally want to go into your field? This was a big help for me because I knew that I actually loved the hands-on experiences I'd had and I knew that I was motivated to find a career in my field. It turns out that being in the workforce isn't the same as being in college and you might not need a given class to do a great job! You can love a subject and still hate a particular class in it, you just need to pass it!

Next, try to figure out why are you struggling, which is a lot easier said than done, I know. If you are struggling because the material is really difficult for you to understand, you probably aren't alone! I know a lot of people recommend office hours, and I do too, but what's even more useful in my opinion is a network of friends that you can talk to about it. My Chemical Engineering class has a huge group chat with like half the class, plus several smaller chats. I literally messaged them a couple hours ago asking if anyone had clarification on a homework problem (that I'm now procrastinating lmao). This network will be invaluable for years and years to come, including after graduation.

It's also important to remember that it isn't a race! You can have a solid motivation to encourage you, go to office hours, and work with friends and there's still a chance that you'll fail the class. That's okay! If you keep your head up and still want to keep at it, retake the class next time it is offered! Running through it a second time can be extremely helpful! And it's not uncommon! Even if you fail several classes and have to take many again, it's totally normal and fine to take an extra year or an extra semester (or take summer classes). Go at your own pace and don't feel like if you fail once you will never get it.

Now this is all encouragement to keep at it because I assume that's what you want to do. However, there is also no shame whatsoever in changing your major. I would be careful of your motivations in doing that because I've heard of several friends who switch out of engineering and regret it later, but I've also heard from friends who are extremely glad they switched. If you aren't enjoying the field you're studying then maybe it isn't right for you!

One of my friends actually started in Chemical Engineering, switched to a different major entirely for a year, before coming back. They graduated in 5 years but that extra year was extremely helpful to them.

Finally, I cannot stress enough (pun intended) that mental health is extremely EXTREMELY important. A lot of STEM students especially take to unhealthy coping mechanisms because it's almost popularized. Drinking excessively, staying up all night, actively attending class when you are physically and mentally drained. It's all tempting but will largely hurt you overall. Exercise helped me a shit ton, start out with just some pushups or something once a week as you build up the habit. DON'T SKIP MEALS. That was a huge problem for me, but your body needs the energy. And get sleep. How much you need varies from person to person, but working until 3 AM is an emergency scenario, not something to do several nights a week. Please please please make friends. Student groups on campus are great places to do this if you are too shy to do much else because you'll already have some things in common with the people who attend (you don't even have to say anything, just show up for the first few meetings). Socialization is very important too!

I really hoped some aspect of this helped, and you are more than welcome to message me privately if you need more specific advice or pointers.

#asks #anon

[strangebeautiful]

"Ino waits silently for nearly two hours before her husband comes into view. When Sai steps up to the vanity and takes a seat on the rotating stool, she swallows her excitement and observes. Immediately, she can tell that Sai’s technique has improved. Sai researches everything that he cares about, so this does not shock her. With a steady hand, he reaches for a shade of blush closer to what she had envisioned for him." I'd recommend answering 'under the cut'/'keep reading' 👀

Oooh, you picked my favorite fic. :) I snagged 500 words because I was feeling overenthusiastic! Here it goes! 

Ino waits silently for nearly two hours before her husband comes into view. When Sai steps up to the vanity and takes a seat on the rotating stool, she swallows her excitement and observes. 

I really thought about the shinobi capacity for discomfort here. Two hours was nothing to Ino if it meant that she could figure out more about Sai’s secret.

Immediately, she can tell that Sai’s technique has improved. Sai researches everything that he cares about, so this does not shock her. With a steady hand, he reaches for a shade of blush closer to what she had envisioned for him. This time, he creates contour, and the sharpness of each cheekbone is drawn out with a splash of color. Instead of going for a tube of lipstick next, however, he reaches for the assortment of smaller brushes that Ino keeps in a small cup. He dusts his eyelids with a candy pink that shimmers in the sunlight before staining his lips with a similar shade. 

In the same way that Sai researches emotion and basics of human interaction, it shouldn’t be shocking that he would do the same with applying makeup. The first time, he started with only blush and lipstick, but he didn’t consider how the shades that look good on Ino would look on his pale skin. I also love the implication that Ino has already started considering what would look good on Sai.

When Sai observes himself this time, there is a shadow of a genuine smile, and Ino cannot help but think that he looks beautiful this way. He tilts his head in a decidedly feminine manner, eyelashes fluttering coyly, and Ino’s breath catches in her throat. When he purses his lips, she unconsciously wets hers in response.

This, as far as I’m concerned, is the first time that Sai truly feels beautiful. He’s able to see a reflection of this image that he’s dreamed about, and Ino is taken aback by how lovely he looks as he explores this part of himself.

Abruptly, his expression shatters with a shuddering sob. Her kunoichi-trained hearing picks up his voice muttering, “I can’t, it’s w-wrong, it’s wrong,” and Ino’s heart breaks along with the genjutsu. He is so upset that he does not even notice. 

Whatever the reason behind this (whatever this is), Sai is hers, her husband, and she will not allow him to hurt anymore. 

I was so sad for Sai when I wrote this, y’all. Not only is he wrecked about these deep internalized messages, but he’s also afraid that he’ll lose Ino over it. The fact that ROOT-trained Sai doesn’t even notice her on the balcony is a testament to how distraught he is. It broke my heart to see sweet bean Sai hurt like this, so I could only imagine how Ino felt. 

---

“I know what you’ve been doing when I’m gone,” Ino says casually over dinner that night, and Sai stiffens, his gaze fixed steadily on his meal. It is a very slight change in posture, but Ino has always been exceptional at reading body language - a side perk of working in T&I. 

When Sai lifts his head, he is wearing that goddamn fake smile. Ino knows that it masks his true feelings, that he is on the defensive, but she cannot help the way that frustration simmers in her gut regardless. “What do you mean?” he asks carefully.

Ino decides on coming right out with it. In contrast to her earlier patience, she can’t be patient knowing how much her husband has been hurting. But of course, Sai reverts to his old coping mechanisms and puts on a smile to protect himself.

But Ino will not say it until he does, because she wants him to name what she has witnessed twice now. (She is still uncertain of what it is, and dammit, she won’t read his mind even if she’s capable of it.)

While Ino is a really amazing and understanding wife, she’s still human and it scares her a little bit that she doesn’t know what Sai wearing makeup means, but she’s willing to work through her own discomfort to figure it out. A funny note: with the “she won’t read his mind” bit, I initially wrote “she can’t read his mind” and realized hilariously enough that she really could, but that would be a hell of a privacy invasion. Oops.

“Sai, have I ever given you any reason to think that I would judge you?” His facade cracks slightly under the burning of her ocean eyes, but he does not falter. Ino can see the way he seals his lips firmly to prevent his truth from spilling out. She presses on, “I won’t allow you to beat yourself up over something like this.” Sai’s head dips under the weight of his own shame, and without realizing it, she is rounding the table to lift his chin with manicured fingers. “I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong.”

This is not only a soft moment where Ino once again reminds Sai the depth of her feelings for him, but it’s the first hint of Ino’s dominant personality showing. She simply won’t allow him to hide from her, and her persistence in demonstrating her love chips away at his fake smile. 

His smile breaks and her stomach drops at the way he looks as if her words have wrecked him. “I c-can’t yet.” He swallows hard, but his dark eyes are still locked on hers. “Not yet.”

This is not a new ask and Ino is not surprised, though she is impatient. She presses her lips to his forehead in an act of comfort before she says, “Okay. When you’re ready.”

Especially for someone like Sai, I think he would need plenty of time to process his thoughts and emotions. Ino knows him well, though, and knows when to push and when to back off to allow him space. It’s a very mature move from Ino, even if she’s chomping at the bit to get some answers.

I could talk about Blush until I’m blue in the face. There’s so many layers to it and I love it so much! Thanks, @anannua! 

[missguomeiyun]

Homecookings [August ed.]

Is summer over yet........ ?! Seriously. I really dislike summer. .. I just dislike heat & sun, in general. Not that I overheat easily but it doesn’t feel good, you know what I mean? I am sooooo looking to fall! & then during the winter months, I’ll be looking forward to spring.

As you know from the individual posts, I went to Hmart for the 1st time since this whole thing started & I on like a shopping spree. I went on a wknd to the U of A location of Hmart, & bcos of other errands, I only had ~30mins in there. I did “speed shopping” in there & didn’t revisit any aisles more than once lol it was so much fun! But other than that, I had some night shifts this month, which occurred during the hottest days -.-” so I mean, it was nice bcos the commute to work was rather cool (midnight to 0800h), but trying to sleep mid-day was a struggle, like it always has been for me; however, it was worse bcos it was so hot! So yes, I didn’t sleep for a few days. At all. Like maybe 3 hrs over 3.5 days ish. It’s baaaaaad, I know.

Anyway, let’s move onto the food; you’ll see what kinda of stuff I eat when I’m doing night shifts :P

I started doing this thing where I add kim mari (deep fried seaweed rolls that contain glass noodles inside) to my ddeokbokki’s. I love the extra crunch/texture it brings to the dish!

Due to the heat, salad rolls became my family’s primary choice for “lazy dinners”. We’ve tried diff ingredients, just to switch it up. Like obviously we’ve had the ‘traditional’ kinds that contain Thai basil, shrimp, lettuce, pickled carrots etc.. but we also had chicken & basa fish as ingredients. Oh! & we also stuffed some home-grown basil into the rolls too.

Post-night shift meal that was eaten ~0900h. .. so I guess this was my breakfast. Had leftover salad roll with kimchi, pan-seared tofu with cucumber & soy sauce, & hard boiled egg with this new sauce I discovered in my fridge. It’s a Chinese condiment that has small mushroom pieces marinated in a specialty soy sauce lol can be used for cooking or simply topped on rice. It’s pretty good actually!

Another post-night shift meal. .. kimchi jjigae that has tofu, kimchi, & napa cabbage. I ate it with small ciabatta bun & fried egg bcos I LOVE eggs! I never wanna eat anything too heavy when I’m working night shifts bcos I eat 6 ‘meals’ over the course of 24 hrs... so essentially I’m consistently eating. I still don’t really have a coping mechanism or some sort of system that would allow me to be not hungry & can sleep. Maybe eating so much is why I can’t sleep...? But then I get hungry, which also doesn’t allow me to sleep.. . I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!

Been into this recently - daily berry blend. I usually prefer my fruits ‘fresh’ but there’s a few bags of frozen fruits in the freezer so I’ve been making this. It contains honey, water, frozen home-grown cherries from summer(s) ago, frozen berry blend (blueberry, blackberry, cherry, & raspberry), & a small handful of frozen avocado cubes. TBH, I don’t like the frozen avocado. It has this lemon-y/lime-y flavour to it; it may have been added to prevent the avocado from blackening *shrugs* I am not even sure if it’s lemon/lime, but it has a sourness to it (& no, it’s not expired). So then I started adding some to this drink (just to get rid of the frozen avocados).

Bought these for my niece but I think I enjoy it the most! It is a large Pepero stick, but the fun part is that the chocolate part contains pop rocks so you get 3 different textures! The biscuit stick, smooth chocolate, & the poppin’ rocks~

Cold noodles with a chicken + mushroom + celery + cabbage stirfry using the package-included bibim sauce. Spicyyyy!!!

Scallion & baby mussel pancake with soy sauce. Such a nice, little appetizer! This was actually my 1st time adding baby mussels to the pancakes. Even though the mussels were small, I still cut them up into smaller pieces. I just find that the distribution is better this way!

...Sad moment in my life: I have finished my last pack of these banana almonds. Where can I get more in Edmonton?!

Beef brisket with fat & flat rice noodles. This was such a hearty meal... I have a thing for noodles soups. The broth was made from beef brisket & bones that’s used for brewing soup. My brother put in daikon radish, some spices, & cane sugar. It was light but amazing!

Bulgogi x ddeokbokki ??? haha there was a lot of beef brisket leftovers.. . so I shredded some & made a simple bulgogi consisting of only beef, cabbage, & carrot (no onion, green onion, garlic etc). I stir-fried it with (frozen) cylindrical rice cakes. Then added some water, bulgogi sauce, a small bit of gochujang, & .. . the rice syrup!

^This is an old photo that I have posted before but posting for you as a reminder :P I used this in traditional spicy ddeokbokki. Yes, it made a sweet & spicy ddeokbokki - I neither liked nor disliked it. It was just a different flavour. Just like how every place has their own recipe for it. But for bulgogi, I can honestly say it made a difference with a small teaspoon amount. Bulgogi sauce is already sweet, but this enhanced it & made it even sweeter. I am probably going to use MOST of this syrup for bulgogi instead of for what I had originally purchased it for (ddeokbokki).

Trying this coffee bean for the 1st time. I got this as a gift last yr.. . slowly working my way thru my beans :D it comes in whole beans in the bag, & then I used my electric coffee grinder to grind a small jar of it. I usually grind a whole bag like this & then just . .. brew it till it is all done. Trying to grind in smaller batches & thus not letting the ground beans sit out for too long this time.

BONUS photo: my backyard.

#homemade #homecooking #food #healthy #cooking #cook #summer