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hayatheauthor · 2 months

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Can I request? How write asexual romance?

I meant kind confuse since romance and sexual are almost same thing, so how that work between 2 person that love in romqntic way but no sexual from them or an asexual person with ordinary person

Crafting Asexual Romance: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Fiction

Writing asexual romance can be both rewarding and challenging. It requires a delicate balance of understanding, empathy, and creativity to authentically capture the emotional depth and complexity of such relationships.

Whether you're a seasoned writer looking to expand your repertoire or a newcomer eager to explore diverse narratives, this guide aims to provide valuable insights into crafting compelling asexual relationships in fiction.

Understanding Asexuality

Before delving into the intricacies of writing asexual romance, it's crucial to develop a clear understanding of what asexuality entails. Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. Individuals who identify as asexual may still experience romantic attraction, emotional intimacy, and desire for companionship, but they do not experience sexual attraction in the same way as aromantic people.

It’s important to note that asexuality isn’t something a character/person can change with time. You can’t have an ace character who suddenly is physically attracted to their love interest near the end of the book. They, quite literally, do not feel sexual arousal for others, and this isn’t something you can ‘overcome’ or ‘undo’. This is also why it’s important to label your characters correctly and recognise the difference between celibacy and asexuality.

It's essential to recognize that asexuality exists on a spectrum, with individuals experiencing varying degrees of sexual attraction or lack thereof. Some asexual individuals may identify as aromantic, meaning they do not experience romantic attraction either, while others may actively seek romantic relationships.

It’s important to create authentic and inclusive representation in our books. I personally prefer reading novels with lesser romance, so reading about an ace character would certainly be up my ally! If you have any aro/ace recommendations, be sure to comment them!

Dos And Don’ts Of Asexual Romance in Fiction

When incorporating asexual romance into your writing, one common misconception to avoid is equating asexuality with a lack of romantic or emotional depth. Asexual individuals are fully capable of experiencing love and forming strong emotional bonds with others. In fact, many asexual individuals prioritize emotional connection in their relationships, seeking partners who understand and respect their orientation.

Asexual characters can serve as compelling protagonists in romantic storylines, offering readers a fresh perspective on relationships that extends beyond the confines of sexual attraction. This requires thoughtful consideration of character development, relationship dynamics, and communication. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Dos:

Research and understand asexuality: Take the time to learn about asexuality and the diverse experiences within the ace community. This will help you create authentic and respectful portrayals of asexual characters.

Focus on emotional intimacy: Highlight the emotional connection between characters, emphasizing shared interests, values, and experiences that deepen their bond.

Explore diverse romantic expressions: Recognize that asexual characters may express love and affection in various ways, from heartfelt conversations to acts of kindness and support.

Incorporate consent and communication: Prioritize clear and open communication between characters, allowing them to discuss their boundaries, desires, and expectations in the relationship.

Include diverse perspectives: Represent a range of asexual experiences in your writing, acknowledging that asexuality intersects with other identities and experiences.

Don'ts:

Fetishize or pathologize asexuality: Avoid portraying asexuality as a novelty or using it as a plot device for shock value. Respect asexual characters as fully realized individuals with agency and autonomy.

Assume asexuality means aromanticism: While some asexual individuals may also identify as aromantic, many experience romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships. Avoid conflating asexuality with aromanticism.

Overemphasize the absence of sex: While sexual activity may not be central to the relationship, focus on the emotional connection and intimacy shared between characters rather than fixating on the absence of sexual activity.

Neglect character development: Give asexual characters depth and complexity beyond their orientation. Explore their backgrounds, motivations, and aspirations to create well-rounded and relatable protagonists.

Ignore feedback from ace readers: Seek feedback from asexual readers and sensitivity readers to ensure your portrayal of asexual characters is accurate, respectful, and affirming.

By approaching asexual romance with sensitivity, empathy, and authenticity, you can create compelling and inclusive stories that resonate with readers across the spectrum of sexual orientations and identities.

Developing Asexual Characters

When crafting asexual characters for your story, it's essential to approach their portrayal with care and authenticity. Asexual individuals, like all people, are multifaceted and unique, and their experiences of love, relationships, and identity can vary widely. Here are some key considerations for developing asexual characters:

Establishing Asexual Identity: Begin by determining your character's asexual identity and how they understand and experience their orientation. Some asexual individuals may have known from a young age that they were asexual, while others may come to understand their identity later in life. Consider how your character's asexuality intersects with other aspects of their identity, such as their culture and personal experiences.

Exploring Romantic Orientation: Asexual individuals can experience a range of romantic orientations, from aromantic to biromantic, panromantic, or heteroromantic. Determine how your character experiences romantic attraction, if at all, and how this aspect of their identity shapes their relationships and interactions with others.

Building Relationships: As you develop your character's relationships, consider how their asexuality influences their approach to romance, intimacy, and partnership. Asexual characters may seek out romantic connections that prioritize emotional intimacy, companionship, and mutual respect over physical attraction.

Addressing Stereotypes: Avoid falling into common stereotypes or misconceptions about asexuality in your portrayal of asexual characters. While some asexual individuals may lack interest in romantic or sexual relationships, others may actively seek out and engage in romantic partnerships.

Incorporating Intersectionality: Consider how your character's asexual identity intersects with other aspects of their identity, such as race, ethnicity, disability, or socioeconomic status. Acknowledge the unique challenges and experiences that may arise from these intersections and strive to create nuanced and authentic portrayals of asexual characters.

Creating Asexual Romances

Crafting asexual romances requires a nuanced approach that emphasizes emotional connection, communication, and mutual understanding. Here are some tips for writing compelling asexual romances:

Focus on Emotional Intimacy: In asexual romances, emotional connection takes center stage. Instead of relying on physical attraction or sexual tension to drive the relationship, emphasize the deep emotional bond between your characters. Explore the ways in which they support and care for each other, share intimate moments, and navigate challenges together.

Communicate Openly: Communication is key in any relationship, but it's especially important in asexual romances where partners may have different needs and boundaries. Encourage your characters to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings, desires, and expectations.

Respect Boundaries: Asexual characters may have unique boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to physical intimacy. Respect your characters' boundaries and preferences, and avoid pressuring them into situations that make them uncomfortable. Focus on building intimacy through non-sexual gestures, such as hand-holding, cuddling, or sharing meaningful experiences together.

Explore Different Relationship Dynamics: Asexual romances can take many forms, from platonic partnerships to committed romantic relationships. Consider the dynamics that best suit your characters and their individual needs and desires. Whether they're best friends who support each other unconditionally or romantic partners who share a deep emotional bond, prioritize authenticity and respect in depicting their relationship.

Challenge Stereotypes: Asexual romances provide an opportunity to challenge stereotypes and misconceptions about love and relationships. Avoid portraying asexual characters as emotionless or incapable of love, and instead highlight the richness and complexity of their romantic experiences.

Embrace Diversity: Asexual characters, like all characters, come from diverse backgrounds and experiences. Consider incorporating intersectional identities and perspectives into your romances to reflect the complexity of human relationships.

By approaching asexual romances with sensitivity, empathy, and authenticity, you can create compelling narratives that resonate with readers and challenge conventional notions of love and intimacy.

Crafting Emotionally Charged Romance Scenes

Writing romance scenes that prioritize emotional intimacy over physical interaction can add depth and resonance to your asexual romances. Here are some ideas for creating emotionally charged romance scenes:

Meaningful Conversations: Instead of relying solely on physical gestures or romantic clichés, focus on meaningful conversations between your characters. Use dialogue to explore their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires, and delve into the complexities of their emotional connection.

Shared Experiences: Create opportunities for your characters to share intimate experiences that strengthen their emotional connection. Whether it's watching a beautiful sunset together, exploring a new city hand in hand, or sharing a quiet moment of reflection in nature, these shared moments can deepen their sense of closeness and build trust between them.

Vulnerability and Support: Showcasing moments of vulnerability and support can highlight the depth of your characters' emotional bond. Allow your characters to open up to each other about their fears, insecurities, and past traumas, and explore how they offer comfort, reassurance, and understanding in return.

Gestures of Affection: While physical intimacy may not be a focal point of your romance scenes, you can still incorporate subtle gestures of affection that convey love and tenderness. Consider incorporating acts of kindness, such as cooking a favorite meal, leaving notes of encouragement, or offering a comforting embrace during times of need.

Emotional Resonance: Infuse your romance scenes with emotional resonance by tapping into universal themes of love, longing, and connection. Explore the nuances of your characters' emotions, from the exhilaration of new love to the comfort of familiar companionship, and allow these feelings to permeate every interaction and exchange.

By prioritizing emotional intimacy and connection in your romance scenes, you can create compelling narratives that celebrate the depth and complexity of asexual relationships.

I hope this blog on Crafting Asexual Romance and Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Fiction will help you in your writing journey. Be sure to comment any tips of your own to help your fellow authors prosper, and follow my blog for new blog updates every Monday and Thursday.

Looking For More Writing Tips And Tricks?

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crimeronan · 6 months

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hi, i wonder if you have advice on something?

i wanna get into writing but i have a huge mental block on writing characters/getting into their heads. like it always seems like i'll just come up with a copy of myself, or to avoid this i could shoot for the character to be nothing like me, but then it's boring - i still want to explore stuff that's relevant to me, just in moderation.

another solution could be to come up with plot first, and then characters would naturally fit around it, but i'd also be too bored with just plot without characters to come up with it lol

i'll be real, i think it's perfectly fine to explore characters who are a lot like you. there are some authors who have "writing transparent self-inserts into Situations" down to a science. like, stephen king did it enough times in a row that now he's famous enough to just write famous author stephen king into his books. unbelievably funny.

in some ways, i think the best (and maybe only) way to get around this mental block is to just write through it. your hangup is pretty specific but also echoes the same thing i feel whenever i try anything creative other than writing, in If I Do Not Execute This Exactly How I Want To Immediately Then I'm A Failureeee

it's okay to not know how to create completely unique, original, compelling, & well-written characters right from the get-go. this is a skill that takes trial and error!

as for my own process, i do consciously add and subtract character traits that are a lot like me when making OCs. sol is a transparent self-insert who gets to do a lot more murder than me, devin is a transparent self-insert who's just as sick but imo a lot kinder than me, nova is a transparent self-insert who's exactly what i Could be if i funneled a pathological need for attention into Being Awful, ruby ISN'T very much like me but DOES have the traits i most admire in other people, i feel about her the same way i feel about the ganseys and luzes in media.

distilling all of this Looks effortless, and it does come naturally to me NOW -- but it's built on a bedrock of Decades of writing, and reading, and media analysis, and learning. i've spent a really really really long time obsessively psychoanalyzing myself, and an equally long time picking apart exactly what i love about my favorite stories. it's taken a lot of practice!

aside from sheer practice, my other best advice is to look at the fictional characters and real people that you don't relate to At All..... and figure out what THEIR traits are. i know i'm less inclined to care about or analyze characters that i don't see myself in. but it's helpful to me to then figure out WHY i don't see myself in them -- and why some other people DO. that gives me a much better sense of the things that differentiate me from various peers! and it gives me a much better sense of how to write characters i don't relate to on a personal level, like ruby.

and even ruby shares some character traits with me. like the big big big feelings about language and diaspora and helping marginalized people. she just also deals with these feelings in ways that are different from me, and her flaws and fears and emotional bedrock are different from my own.

i think it's totally fine to write what you know, and it's totally fine if your stories are based around your own personal experience, and it's totally fine if you look to yourself for your initial OC inspiration. ESPECIALLY when you're just starting out. over time, you sort of naturally start to figure out what stories you like telling and how to build different characters. it's something that's Very Difficult to do if you're only studying without any practice.

you do not need to get everything perfect on the first try!

#replies #writing #writing advice #long post

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sanpape · 10 months

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hey! hey caeley!! i have a qastion for u if u don’t mind. i see you posting about fear and hunger a lot and i’m like 👀 cuz i do be liking rpgs and i do be liking horror…. could you tell me more about it without any spoilers? like, a bit about the gameplay, story, whether i need to get the first one to play… i googled a bit but i’m already running into spoilers so i was wondering if you could help out here since it seems to be an interest of yours?

Oooo you've come to the right place, I could talk about these games for hours dbsjsj

I'll be breaking this question down into two parts because the first and second games are sort of different beasts that appeal to different sensibilities? (Idk if that makes any sense)

Fear and hunger

f&h1 is a dungeon crawler rpg set in medieval England(?), Centering around the eponymous Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.

There are four playable characters which sort of fit into the classic "adventuring party" setup (a knight, a mercenary, a dark priest and an outlander) all of which have different reasons for coming to the dungeons. They all have vastly different play styles and that combined with the fact that nearly all the items in the game are found through rng AND the fact that rooms in the dungeon are randomly generated mean two people's playthoughs can look extremely different.

Gameplay wise, f&h forces the player to manage an ever dwindling sanity and health meter whilst fighting off various monsters with a j-rpg boss battle amputation mechanic. (Really though, every fight in this game is just as capable of killing you as the next, nothing is safe.)

I personally can't speak too much about the plot of the first game because I've never actually played it. But without spoiling anything, all the player characters are in the dungeon to find a man called Le'garde, the head of a mercenary group called the knights of the midnight sun who's trying to ascend into godhood.

Everyone has varying motives with what they want to do to Le'garde once they find him, the knight wants to smooch him, the outlander wants to kill him, the dark priest wants to know why Le'garde gets to ascend to godhood and not HIM (the vastly cooler, sexier, more religious person), and the mercenary just wants to get some cash to feed his family (I guess? I'm not totally sure)

Fear and hunger: Termina

Termina is the sequel to f&h1. It's set 700 years after the first game in post WW2 Prague. Which is a wild jump in time and space. But anyway.

In termina, you play as one of 8 playable characters: A doctor, a journalist, a boxer, a botanist, an occultist, a runaway soldier, a mage and a mechanic. The game starts with the player on a train to the city of Prehevil after having weird dreams about the moon forcing them into a battle royale style death game over the course of 3 days. When the player awakens, they find that their train is stranded in the forest on the outskirts of town and that the other passengers have had the same dream. Just when things couldn't get worse, the players find that the towns people have been struck by some weird illness, causing them to mutate into... Well. Several things? It's a surprise.

Gameplay functions very similarly to the first game, except without the randomly generated rooms. In fact, termina is pretty much devoid of dungeons all together. It's mostly just exploring a really fucked up city. It's kind of like if pathologic and silent hill had a j-rpg baby.

General recomendations and closing thoughts

1) read up on the warnings before you play the game, I'm pretty desensitized to horror but these games don't pull any punches and some of the more triggering content makes them uh... Sort of hard to recomend? Which is a shame because if you can look past it, they're insanely fun.

2) don't be afraid to pull up a guide, sometimes it's worth getting a little spoiled over.

3) I personally don't think you need to play the first game if dungeon crawlers don't appeal to you, but that's just me.

4) if you haven't already, check out zuldim's video on the games. It's pretty much spoiler free and does a way better job of explaining what's going on with these games than I ever could. I haven't even scratched the surface of all the gods, rituals and religions this game basically runs on.

#hiiii sai!!!! thanks for the ask :]c #fear and hunger #sanpape.mail #i probably missed something important but i think this covers the jist of it

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maybeamultiverse · 11 months

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Request : a Human/Romulan hybrid character (with ridges on her face and very curly short hair) who isn't in Starfleet but only know Human culture and is kind of pride of it because, think she had to choose either her Human or Romulan side. Since she grew up amongst Humans, she decided she was Human and it work on her community. Maybe she's from an occult or religious community? Or liké occult stuff? And then, she meet a Tal Shiar Romulan (could be Vreenak but he died) who is uterly offend she doesn't care about her Romulan side. I don't know, maybe this synopsis suck....

I love this idea, so sorry my reply is so late (classic ao3 author excuse of being royally fucked over by life, etc.). I played around with AI and created various face models of a curly-haired half-Romulan, but I also just wanna freestyle a response since that is just better than sharing any images or anything, I think. I really do wish the Qowat Milat, for example, among many Romulan-specific practices, got more opportunities to be explored in both Picard and Discovery. I wonder about their opportunities for expansion before and after the supernova and whether or not any members of the organization thought to share their views or to travel beyond the confines of Romulan space, though I'd imagine, given their territorial history, doing so would be challenging. Picard really barely touched on the conflicting perspectives of the Tal and other religious organizations and, infamously and most unfortunately, deliberately chose to neglect that part of the story to, uh, pursue other concepts.

Also, the pathology of half-Romulans is more complex than a half-Vulcan psychological profile-- they're a lot more like humans, in some ways, but not really. Some extenuating differences might prove to be incredibly tolling on young hybrids, primarily dependent on where they were from and grew up. I'm also thinking a bit about Simon Tarses, tbh. I'd love a spin-off about his life and his family from Mars.

And no, your idea doesn't suck! Feel free to dm me if you want a writing buddy to develop the idea further <3 I'd love to, I think there's so much interesting stuff going on in this preliminary concept alone.

#writing #maybeamultiverse #ao3 #star trek #star trek fic #romulans

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skullhazard · 10 months

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"Pathologic 1 is so hard, the combat is so clunky and quirky." "It's just a bunch of walking around, it's so boring." "I can't manage meters or get a grip on the item economy."

Look, I didn't expect that I would ever play Pathologic 1 and so I can't rightly say I've been going into it blind. I know a lot of what happens in Bachelor's Route (the only route I've played so far, which itself calls into question my assessment of the game's difficulty) due to watching various videos about the game. Even when I'm not trying to take advantage of foreknowledge, I somehow did that by accident when I went to Vlad the Younger on Day 8 for the new plague district map, and it started a side quest.

I don't think this invalidates my experience or perspective on the game. I would like to think we're all well past the point of questioning usage of things like guides and walkthroughs in order to have the "Objectively Correct" experience of a game. I've consulted one whenever I've run into some technical hiccup (Mark wouldn't let me ask him about the costumes even though I had the letter from Artemy requesting one) and while it does provide more help than a "pure" playthrough would have, really it's just saving me time and quickloads (which I've been doing anyway). I've loaded a save entirely just to make sure I leave a district in the right direction, because it turned out 30 seconds later someone sent me a letter requesting an audience, and I'd have had to backtrack, wasting precious time.

The game is certainly hard if you never quicksave or restrict yourself to saving only in certain circumstances (this is what they did for Pathologic 2 and I thought it was brilliant and added a new layer to the strategy of playing that game), but the tools are there, and while they don't solve the game for you, they make it far easier than it would otherwise be.

As for the combat and walking: the combat is just basic fps melee combat (or combat with unsatisfying guns); the walking is only monotonous if you have trouble immersing yourself in a world and your character. The thing that actually got me to play both Pathologic 2 and now Pathologic 1, was playing the early access game Shadows of Doubt. They're entirely different games in terms of art style, intention, gameplay, and goals, but they have a lot of similarities like needing to manage a human person's bodily functions and emphasizing first-person exploration of municipal environments, with various objectives, item economies, and a de-emphasis on typical "fps" trappings.

I'm currently on the tail end of Day 8 for Bachelor, and of everything I've played so far, I will say Pathologic 2 is the better game that I'd recommend over Pathologic 1, but Pathologic 1 is fun and entertaining in ways that only games from its era could be.

#skull hazard plays pathologic 1

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time-is-restored · 11 months

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do u guys think it maybe says smth that im currently getting more narrative + emotional fulfilment from dostoevsky that Hates You as compared to the fucking football sitcom.

anyway patho au thoughts below <3 <- (it actually turned into a manifesto abt my thoughts abt Original flavour pathologic. will add au thoughts in a reblog otherwise this is gonna be unconscionably long LMAO)

the thing about the Macro Metaphor™ (oh yeah baby this is gonna be a POST) in pathologic is like. at least w how i experienced it pathologic had to be a video game because it had to give its players the closest thing to free will that is possible in a world that has been crafted from the ground up to give you An Experience™.

and the fact that what little free will we APPEAR to have is largely an illusion cast by various dialogue trees stating that we are doing something unexpected is . very much the point! to get anything out of pathologic you have to 100% buy into the fiction as presented to you. bc the game is incredibly meta, that includes buying into the idea that what u are playing IS at its core a video game made by ppl w a very specific and esoteric mission statement, who are doing their level best to funnel u towards the themes + questions that they find most important within this narrative.

. okay ive gotta talk about The Loop actually strap the fuck in (note: a lot of what follows is copied + pasted from me explaining my feelings abt pathologic to someone who Has Not Played pathologic, so sorry if im being over explanatory at points!)

so in clara's route there's a specific bit of dialogue u can get w the developers where they say clara is 'the only one out of the three [protagonists] that could accomplish a True miracle. who could break the loop.'

the 'loop' in question is. kind of hard to pin down. but its basically referring to the inherent contradiction at the heart of pathologic existing as a game: the developers wanted to explore how it is impossible for a miracle to exist in anything other than a temporary moment of spontaneity. if you try to cage it, it is no longer a miracle, it is a process which has consequences (in the game, this consequence is - at least according to some povs - the plague):

SO they give the player a closed system of a world, in which free will is By Definition impossible (you can't do anything the developers haven't explicitly programmed in), and essentially ask you to perform a miracle. on one hand, they admit to hoping that you can do it. on the other, they acknowledge it's impossible, without some Other miracle interceding.

thats why, in this same conversation w the developers, they talk abt the other healers' endings like they are simultaneously predestined, and like they can be changed after all! like here:

^ put a pin in that 'except for a lapse of judgement, but we're not concerned with that' comment!

SO. this is what's so interesting about CLARA being (apparently!) able to break the loop

bc the only thing that concretely sets clara apart from the others (they all have a bunch of superficial differences, but im pretty sure its not bc she's a girl, or a child, for example) is that she has no backstory.

she wakes up with no memory of her life, no real understanding of herself outside of what she is being accused of being (a thief, and a plague bearer). she is able to lie (state something about herself that has nothing in the game supporting it) without lying (state something about herself that has nothing in the game contradicting it).

due to pathologic's own rules (in this case, im literally just referring to it being a video game that was coded by a team and then released on steam), there is no way for a character to truly do something unexpected. clara acknowledges this specifically and gets rlly morbid abt it here:

however! because pathologic is inherently a conversation between the developers and the players, and the developers can't actually control OR react to the completely internal experience the player has while playing the game, there is a level of free will here that can't actually be eroded!

the game can TRY to account for as many different dialogue options, quests, endings, general opinions abt the world + its characters, but bc the total amount of code has to stop somewhere before infinity, it can't get it 100% right. there are emotions + opinions abt pathologic that u are going to experience as a player that pathologic itself cannot or has not accounted for!

clara's miracle is that she's (in universe) as unrestrained by the programmers as the player is (out of universe). she can't be caged any more than u can! YOU can't be caged bc u literally don't exist in the world that the developers have 100% control over, even while they spend several hundred hours of gameplay trying to convince u that u do. and CLARA can't be caged bc there's literally nothing to tie her down! she has no degree of verisimilitude that she has to stick to, no bounds on what is reasonable vs unreasonable for her to do. we ultimately don't know enough about her for her to ever be 'out of character'.

pathologic is inherently a role playing game, but when clara (or, technically, you AS clara) rejects the role she is given, you break from one of the most restrictive shackles the game has had weighing u down in the past two playthroughs. daniils often a prick to ppl he shouldn't be, burakh can't be neutral about His Fucking Town Dying, etc. if u took those things away from the characters just to give the player more freedom AS a player, the game would be compromising with you - something that pathologic explicitly refuses to do (14% of ppl who play the game ever beating n1, etc).

but clara can say fucking ANYTHING!! like. i cannot emphasise enough that you, as the player, as clara, lie about the fact that you have an identical twin, and then summon this twin into existence. its literally the first thing you do in the whole game!

because that's the rule!!! the player cannot be allowed to say something about the world that isn't true, without the explicit and recognisable intent of telling a falsehood! but NOTHING that clara says can be demonstrated to be false, bc there's nothing to check against!!! the executors EVEN imply that the version of clara you meet throughout the game (the one u call the 'evil twin'), IS actually clara, and those conversations are the PLAYER talking to the 'original' clara. which means that by PLAYING the game, you are in equal parts replacing + rewriting clara!

again, this isn't even CLOSE to the degree ur able to transform the other protagonists - the opinions they do/don't have abt their own fate + endings are explicitly laid out to u in black and white. daniil can think the polyhedron is beautiful, OR he can be afraid of it, etc. while you can CHOOSE to change ur mind between each conversation, there is no 'both' or 'neither' option at any point. you have to pick from what ur given.

like . this is the dialogue u get after asking abt what the haruspex's route was 'about'. the line before this says 'Executor: Diverging branches. He was the only one who could attain true freedom. He wasn't facing the kind of dilemma that the ever-deceived Bachelor found so dismal.'

its like. this is simultaneously the most obtuse thing these fuckers say in the whole game but also!!! there were feelings involved!!!!!!!!!

the 'loop' is that there is no freedom, and yet there is love. the game is not real but you get attached to the player characters as if it is. you see things through their eyes, and start to agree that these pre-determined, tragic resolutions to an explicitly harsh binary choice are correct, for the characters enacting them (HENCE THE 'except for a lapse of judgement' comment! pull that pin back out! yes, anyone who plays the bachelor's route is able to CHOOSE to guide him towards another ending. but how many of those players are able to genuinely sit with the bachelor's ideals + fears, and convince themselves that that is an action he himself would take! not you, but dankovsky! the developer's aren't concerned with any given instance of the player abusing their authority over the healers' lives. they're INTERESTED in taking that authority and choosing not to abuse it. to commit to the world as written. to make the impossible choice).

clara's route is like yes obviously there is a journey programmed in here there is an ending just like there is for every other character, and clara (the npc, when you don't play as her) argues for it just as strongly as you do when ur playing her + taking her over. but what's JUST as inevitable is that someone will push past that, will play through her route, will separate her out from the developer's (admitted!) confusion + rush + muddled intentions, and make a true miracle happen! its a loop! but its a miraculous one! the miracle is that you played the game at all!!

look at this! look at clara staring her fate as written in the eye, and saying 'fuck off, im busy!'

the miracle is the fact that the developers, while making a game about how you cannot cage a miracle/force one to persist, gave the player enough freedom to prove them wrong. the miracle is the fact that clara rejects her fate-as-written, to be the plague bearer, to destroy the game and everyone involved in it, and instead DEMANDS to be a miracle-worker who can and will save the town and all the lives within it. the miracle is that you save everyone that it is possible to save. the miracle is that you want to save them at all. the miracle is that the player finishes all three routes of pathologic. the miracle is that anyone who experiences this game, first-hand or second-hand, whether they finished it or not, now has a totally unique experience w and interpretation of that game. freedom clawed from the jaws of a closed system.....

the miracle! is art!!!!! is the inherent flimsiness of communication, both symbolic and written and visual and auditory and!!!!!!!! the miracle is that you're playing a game made two decades again written in RUSSIAN while the game developers pull out literally every trick in the book to make you have a TERRIBLE time and want to give up and you DON'T!!!! you refuse to give up on what they're telling you! you refuse to not let this experience matter, in however small a way!!!!!!!!!

the miracle is that the game devolpers could not build a tomb foreboding enough to keep the players from diving in head first, crashing face first into spice traps and vats of acid and plague bearing rats and fucking homing-missile knives and. idk. mummies or some shit what the hell do you find in a cursed tomb

the miracle is that the game means something to you even when the game is actively trying to force u to give up + let go of any sense of agency and control. 'your actions are meaningless, you are helping no one, this bloodshed is inevitable and in many concrete ways you are making it worse' -> 'OH BOY DAY FIVE <3'

the miracle is also that clara convinces like seven fucking people to die for her but. y'know. this might as well happen.jpg

its like. this is simultanoeusly the most obtuse thing these fuckers say in the whole game but also!!! there were feelings involved!!!!!!!!!

the 'loop' is that there is no freedom, and yet there is love. the game is not real but you get attached to the player characters as if it is. you see things through their eyes, and start to agree that these pre-determined, tragic resolutions to an explicitly harsh binary choice are correct, for the characters enacting them (HENCE THE 'except for a lapse of judgement' comment! yes, anyone who plays the bachelor's route is able to CHOOSE to guide him towards another ending. but how many of those players are able to genuinely sit with the bachelor's ideals + fears, and convince themselves that that is an action he himself would take! the developer's aren't concerned with any given instance of the player abusing their authority over the healers' lives. they're INTERESTED in taking that authority and choosing not to abuse it. to commit to the world as written. to make the impossible choice).

clara's route is like yes obviously there is a journey programmed in here there is an ending just like there is for every other character, and clara (the npc, when you don't play as her) argues for it just as strongly as you do when ur playing her + taking her over. but what's JUST as inevitable is that someone will push past that, will play through her route, will separate her out from what the developers wanted from her, and make a true miracle happen! its a loop! but its a miraculous one! the miracle is that you played the game at all!!

#pathologic au #this is VERY long under the cut open at ur own risk #the bulk of this was written in an absolute frenzy to vee my dear friend vee. they tried so hard to understand what the fuck i was going on #abt <3 anyway hi. i think lyth activated some sort of sleeper agent code phrase in my mind w this au i haven't been able to be normal abt #this game OR noonethinkslikethisuareabrokenperson trio in w e e k s

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autisticandroids · 2 years

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so one thing about supernatural that's really interesting to me is that like. it's riddled with protagonist syndrome, right? like by nature of the way the show works, the majority of the characters are involved in some kind of one-sided obsession, all flowing eventually towards the center. like, cas is obsessed with dean is obsessed with sam. but also, there are people who are obsessed with cas. and there are other people obsessed with dean. and other people obsessed with sam. it's all chains of obsession, all flowing inward towards the center, because the main characters are literally the center of the universe and the writers don't bother trying to flesh out any side characters enough to give them real motivations outside unreasonable and totally unreturned loyalty to the main characters.

BUT! the show is also about absent father figures and abandonment issues. so within-text, the theme of unreturned loyalty and devotion which accidentally comes into being due to bad writing works really well with the intentional themes of the work.

and it's not even all "bad" writing, per se, sometimes it's just necessary conceit for the show to work. like, they work pretty hard to justify dean's obsession with sam, basing it in the abuse they both experienced and in dean's abandonment issues. later obsessions are mostly handwaved away with morality, because most of the people involved in non-human, and by the metrics of supernatural, that means betraying their friends and comrades and upending their life for a taste of winchester pussy some "good" humans is not just morally good but morally obligatory. so cas falls because it's the right thing to do, even though it seems pretty clear that he actually falls because he's enamored with dean and everything dean represents. benny is loyal to dean because he's a self-hating vampire. rowena is loyal to sam because she wants redemption. meg (for a change) is loyal to cas because she wants crowley dead, not for moral reasons, but that justification is pretty thin, too. whereas dean being loyal to sam to the point where he'd sell his soul for him is well-justified as pathological: he was forced from a young age to form his identity around sam and caring for him, and he had no close relationships his entire life besides sam and their dad, and he has massive abandonment issues because again their dad is an absent father. so the fact that dean just exists narratively to serve sam's needs is better justified in the show than others because it's not pretended to be about some type of morality, which is pretty intrinsically shoddy as a justification on spn because girl, they're all serial killers, and also half the time morality on the show is literally determined by biology and diabolus ex machina. also dean's motivations get more fleshed out because at some point sam stops being the center of the universe and dean gets that spot, so dean's onesided obsession with sam ends up kind of vestigial to its original purpose (make side character serve protagonist) and can actually be explored.

but in the end you end up with like a great piece of art about one-sided relationships and their various permutations. like, sam is terrified of lucifer and the fact that lucifer is obsessed with him is the worst thing in his life. dean is aware that crowley is obsessed with him and takes great pleasure in using that obsession for his own gain. cas genuinely likes meg, but they both know that she would do literally anything for him, and that he would instantly throw her off a cliff if dean asked him to.

#spn

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abdifarah · 2 years

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The Batman

Falling Bat by Kenny Rivero. 2017.

Nipsey Hustle, government name Ermias Asghedom, was gunned down in front of his store Marathon Clothing in his Crenshaw neighborhood of South Los Angeles by a member of his own gang, the Rollin’ 60’s Crips. Hustle and his business partners had only two months prior purchased the strip mall that included their store, with big plans to revitalize and transform the plaza into an edifying commercial and civic hub for the neighborhood. The murder of a rapper–especially one with gang ties–is unremarkable, but Hustle's death felt particularly tragic. He had made it from the bottom, and instead of reveling in fame and its glittery spoils, he chose to move different. Hustle talked about building communal wealth, business ownership, and financial literacy in his raps and interviews. Him and his partner, the actress Lauren London, could have easily posted up in Beverly Hills or Calabasas with the rest of the beautiful celebrities. Instead they chose to lay down roots and dedicate themselves to South LA and its people. Their good deeds were directly punished.

The history of black leaders and celebrities being violently taken before seeing the fulfillment of their work is as old as America itself. When I think about the murders of revolutionaries like Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, and Fred Hampton, or artists like Nipsey Hustle, or the Notorious BIG, I am reminded and mildly comforted by the fact that, while they died grossly premature, they all had children: heirs to their formidable legacy and–in the case of the successful artists–often a significant monetary inheritance. These children, possessing the singular combination of revolutionary pedigree, a DuBoisian double-consciousness, personal trauma, and a trust fund are the only plausible persons capable of embodying a hero as complex as the Batman.

On the occasion of the release of the tenth Batman film, The Batman, starring Robert Pattinson, the sixth white man to portray the Dark Knight, I will explore the acutely black aspects of Batman. I will first trouble Batman’s perpetually and pathologically antagonistic relationship to the police and the government at large, in direct contrast to other superheroes that enjoy a problematically close proximity to law enforcement and entrenched systems of power. This leads to an examination of Batman’s doggedly local, yet supra-American purview. A dichotomy exists between Batman and the other titans of the superhero universe. Many of whom either gallivant the globe as unencumbered sovereign citizens or elect to become mascots and dogmatic mouthpieces of American nationalism.

Additionally, I will examine the actual person and body of Batman. As an artist, I want to formally analyze the body and visage of Batman and the ways in which the equally campy, erotic, and ghoulish semiotics of the Batman persona and costume illustrate Bruce Wayne’s conflicted relationship to his own racial and gender identity. In particular I want to examine Bruce Wayne as the black son of rich and famous parents, torn between the poles of his monetary privilege and marginalized racial identity, and made explicit by Wayne’s bizarre employment of his inherited wealth; his “talented tenth” elitism; and the code-switching double-consciousness inherent in any superhero alter-ego.

This is not a case for the recreational recasting Batman as black for a future Batman property, but an attempt to show that blackness is intrinsic to the character and key to the Dark Knight’s enduring relevance. Public Enemy

Bruce Wayne witnesses the murder of his parents as a young child, which catalyzes him to rid Gotham City of the ills, both particular and systemic, that terrorize the city’s citizens. Through the various Batman properties there is ambivalence as to who actually killed Batman’s parents. In some retellings Batman’s eventual arch-nemesis, the Joker, is the gunman. In others, a nondescript mugger, Joe Chill–emblematic of the pervasive and indiscriminate violence of Gotham. Still, in some instances this Joe Chill is a patsy or hired gun for the mafia, intertwined in every facet of Gotham’s infrastructure and government, bent on ridding Gotham of its do-gooder first family, the Waynes. The inconclusiveness of this central event is reminiscent of the confusion surrounding the killings of Martin Luther King Jr., or Malcolm X, or the still unsolved murders of the Notorious BIG and Tupac Shakur. At the heart of all of these events is a suspicion of the government and an unknowability of their knowledge and/or involvement. Imbued with this inherent distrust and seeing the ineptitude and disinterest of Gotham’s government and police to protect its people, and in many cases outright abetting and colluding with organized crime to plunder its own, Batman opts for self-defense.

A perverted synergy often exists between superheroes and law enforcement. Despite not technically being Americans (or even humans), super-powered figures like Superman and Wonder Woman are spokespersons for the USA, and are routinely called on to bail the nation out of international conflicts requiring extraterrestrial might. These thorny superhero/geopolitical entanglements are keenly satirized in Alan Moore’s Watchmen. The Superman-like Dr. Manhattan is called on by a US government at the end of its rope to help put an end to the Vietnam war. Dr. Manhattan, who can control all matter down to an atomic level, savagely vaporizes all the Viet Cong, bringing the conflict to a swift end and becomes a national hero. Unlike other superheroes that are granted this honorary membership amongst the ranks of police and military, or have military/law enforcement backgrounds themselves (Captain America was literally created by the US government), Batman, despite all the good he performs, is inexplicably, almost pathologically, despised by the police. In the eyes of the state, Batman is a terrorist.

In practice, Batman is a weird amalgam of MLK’s nonviolent pacifism and the fire with fire, self-defense pedagogy of Malcolm X and the Black Panthers. To call Batman a pacifist is laughable, but he does operate within a byzantine moral code of distributing violence. The Batcave contains an arsenal of military grade tanks, air and watercraft (the Bat Boat!), weapons, gadgets, chemicals, and technology formidable enough to defend a medium-sized nation. But Batman does not use guns and is zealously against killing. However, he will stomp a foe within an inch of their life. This odd mix–a dogmatic code of virtue and bloody-knuckled brutality–may appear incongruous, unless you grew up a black man amongst black men. To be a black man in America is to confront injustice and brutality daily, and to know that no one, especially not the state, will protect you. It is also to know that you cannot confront that injustice and brutality in kind. Black people in their heart of hearts know that the constitution, and particularly the second amendment, does not fully apply to us. Stand Your Ground statues are not to be trusted in our case. For black folks, carry permits, like birth certificates, are fictitious to the larger white world. See Philando Castille.

Most summers I lived with my Uncle Frank and Aunt Romaine and my cousins Little Frank and Hugh. My mom insisted that she was sending me to live with my cousins to toughen me up, but really, my single-mom just needed a break after the long school year. I did not mind. I loved those summers spent roaming Baltimore for basketball courts with functional rims; accompanying my cousin Frank on house calls giving people tattoos in their kitchens; nights watching music videos on The Box while drawing X-Men, Spider-man, and characters we’d make up. My Uncle Frank is the calmest, coolest person I know. Only a few times I can recall him getting angry and losing his temper with me and my cousins. Usually, it involved us spoiling our appetites on junk food throughout the day and not being able to finish the dinner he made. One other time I remember vividly was in a dollar store. I reached for a neon orange water gun and asked Uncle Frank to buy it. He snatched the gun out of my hand and said something like, “Never!” His aggression was not towards me, but the gun. The speed with which he placed it back on its display peg with the rest of the toy guns was tinged with fear and danger, as if he was dismantling a bomb. My Uncle Frank had served in the Navy in the time directly after the Vietnam War and hated guns. Between Baltimore and the military, Uncle Frank had witnessed what guns did to those on both sides of the barrel. He also knew that a young black boy with a gun–even a translucent, neon orange, plastic one filled with water–was a target for the wrath of the state. See Tamir Rice. Neighborhood OG

Thinking about my Uncle Frank some more, it is interesting to look at Batman through the lens of a baby-boomer American black man. Born in the mid 50’s, these men were the children of segregation, but witnessed the civil rights era live: its factions, phases and eventual fade. They attempted to justify their Americaness by serving in the military, but found more in common with the marginalized peoples in the various occupied cities where they were stationed. Since the Civil War black folks have opted into the American military-industrial complex as an attempt to assert and win their humanity in the eyes of White America, their patriotism and loyalty rarely requited. Black soldiers helped deliver victory to the North but were sold out by Northern Appeasement and the advent of Jim Crow. Black soldiers returned to the US after defeating facism in Europe only to be excluded from the heralded GI Bill and ghettoized at home. Dramatized in Spike Lee’s Da 5 Bloods, Vietnamese propaganda radio personality Hannah Hanoi, informed Black soldiers stationed in Vietnam that their hero, Martin Luther King Jr., had been assassinated in Memphis on the morning of April 4, 1968.

Every black family has that father or uncle that served abroad and is a-little-too-into non-western cultures and political thought; from embracing Islam and other eastern religions to espousing Marxism; somewhat on its individual merits, but more to spite the American capitalism that brought their ancestors west to work against their will. Uncle Frank's multicultural eclecticism is pretty mild, and ranges from listening to obscure world music to practicing Ikebana. Culturally, Batman is this Asiatic, Marxist black man. Batman spent his early adult years in Asia learning martial arts, which he now uses to fight crime in the streets of Gotham. The transcendence of restrictive American blackness through an embrace of eastern culture underlies the blaxploitation kung fu movies of the 70s, a motif later adopted by the Wu Tang Clan and satirized in the Martin character, Dragonfly Jones. Black men realize that they will never be fully American, so they should probably find another national identity.

Batman, similarly, is a man without a country. He does not have a vaguely patriotic credo like Superman (Truth, Justice, and the American Way), or nods to the red white and blue in his costume like both Superman and Spider-man. Batman is not a national hero. He is local. Ask any black man where he is from and he will rep his city: Atlanta, Memphis, Houston, Buffalo, Detroit. To actually speak of ourselves as Capital-A-American comes first with a hard swallow. Batman, similarly, has a myopic focus on his hometown of Gotham. Many assume Gotham is a stand-in for New York, but the DC comic universe already has a New York doppelganger: Metropolis, the home of Superman. Gotham on the other hand is the quintessential second-city; segregated, rife with inequality, post-industrial, a declining population, witness to rising crime rates, prey to predatory prospectors.

Embracing this more blue-collar interpretation of Gotham, the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy dispenses with the Art Deco and technicolor production design of the Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher Batman films respectively, in which Gotham–complete with its own empire state building–was very much a stand in for New York. In The Dark Knight Rises, the football team, the Gotham Rogues, was modeled after the Pittsburgh Steelers, down to the black and yellow team colors, and even had then Steelers’ players Hines Ward and Ben Rothlesberger playing the Rogues. Personally, the Baltimore Ravens would have been a better model for a Gotham football team as they were named after Poe's famous gothic poem The Raven, and broadly I like to think of Gotham as Baltimore. Its gray skies and gargoyle-covered gothic architecture inspired Billie Holiday's blues, and the city is imbued with the revolutionary spirit of Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglass, and Thurgood Marshall. A potentially overlooked exchange occurs between Bruce Wayne and his butler, Alfred, while first exploring the soon-to-be Batcave under Wayne Manor in 2005’s Batman Begins. Alfred informs Bruce that the passages were created by his great-grandfather and used to shelter runaway slaves during the underground railroad. The quick aside reveals the progressive pedigree of Bruce Wayne. Furthermore, what is the Bat Signal if not a constellation along the underground railroad? A symbol, not unlike the drinking gourd, serving as a light of hope in the face of governmental terrorism. Rich Nigga

Batman’s wealth is traditionally foregrounded in the default assumption of Batman as a white man. As much as US economic policy has historically worked to sabotage black wealth, there are in fact rich black people. More precisely, the volatile mixture of blackness and affluence combines to create the particular catalyst necessary for the creation of a Batman. The book of Ecclesiastes frankly states “[M]oney is a shelter.” But in America financial success has never protected black people the way it does other groups, and in many cases carries with it a curse. The Notorious BIG wrote, Mo Money Mo Problems. Successful black people still die disproportionately from treatable or preventable diseases (Chadwick Boseman) or have their potentially fatal pain disregarded (Serena Williams). And, not that being a rich celebrity should shield you, but black celebrities routinely have their civil rights violated by police and other agents of the state like all black people. These individual anecdotes can be place alongside the targeted and unabated massacres of thriving black financial enclaves like Black Wall Street in Tulsa Oklahoma or Rosewood, Florida, as well as state supported actions by the FBI to surveil, sabotage, and in some cases murder, black leaders like Martin Luther king Jr., Malcolm X, and the Black Panthers.

Beyond the systemic and structural violence, to be black and rich is also to draw the attention of random evil actors. Quite different from invisible old money wealth, black affluence often comes with the spotlight of being a famous athlete or entertainer, where the specific dollar amounts of one’s fortune are typed in boldface on sports pages or the record sales charts. At a time when he was perhaps the most famous person on the planet, Michael Jordan’s father, James, was murdered by two teenagers at a North Carolina rest stop who carjacked him for his Lexus and dumped his body in a swamp. In tandem with these external threats, the burden of being black and rich exacts an internal toil. Right or wrong, black affluence comes with the burden to “give back”, to “not forget where you came from,” and to make up for the failure of the state to take care of those who look like you. Black billionaires are held to a higher standard and are demonized for participating in the same capitalistic practices that enriched the generations of wealthy whites before them. According to progressive politicians, “every billionaire is a failure of policy.” Conveniently, this chorus came into favor at the exact time when new demographics of persons were just beginning to take advantage of America's admittedly corrupt financial system.

Batman embodies this struggle of violence without and within. Undoubtedly, there is a sado-masochistic heart to the character. A billionaire who spends his nights in the seedy parts of town picking fights. Batman is Bruce Wayne slumming. Batman serves as Gotham's dominatrix; punishing the city for its bad behavior one leather gloved punch at a time. The pain also provides Wayne absolution for the survivor’s remorse he feels for both living through the deadly encounter that took his parents, and the burden of wealth that he carries as a black man. Bruce Wayne pours all of his time and fortune into crafting and maintaining his drag persona of Batman. He puts on eye black so that you can only see the whites of his eyes, adding to his ghoulish visage, but for some reason he does not apply the makeup to the area around his mouth that similarly peaks from under his mask, so avoiding full blackface. The avoidance of full blackface is not a decision of discretion or political correctness. This choice projects Bruce Wayne’s ambivalence.

He is projecting a hyper-masculine-hyper-blackness but by revealing his pale complexion under his masks he reminds those he encounters that he is not actually the full version of blackness that he is weaponizing. The Joel Schumacher directed films Batman Forever and Batman & Robin from 1995 and 1997 respectively did much establish this bombastically hyper-masculine performance that augments into a queer and racial appropriation. Memes before memes, the shots zooming in on the batsuit’s vacuum formed rubber buttocks, protruding codpiece, and chest of Batman, complete with articulated nipples, were played for comic relief. Val Kilmer and George Clooney were less playing superheroes and more male drag kings. However ludicrous, the ever more anatomically accurate suit made manifest the dangerous proximity of Bruce Wayne’s performance of Batman to black minstrelsy.

The selective utilization and negation of blackness is an age old tactic. The larger world devours black cuisine, fashion, and slang while at the same time denigrating its originators. A young Justin TImberlake parrots black music while simultaneously scavenging and scapegoating the black body of Janet Jackson; all in service of establishing his adult artist bona fides. Unfortunately, this form of parasitism is also equally expressed by black men. Kanye West erected his musical career on raps mining the history and images black slavery as evergreen symbols of black people’s continued oppression. “This grave shift is like a slave ship.” Years into his success–as he personally attempted to assert his post-racial autonomy through self-hating proximity to white supremacist demagoguery–he called slavery a “choice.” This is the dangerous prerogative of black identity construction. Amongst all black people there is a judicious deployment of blackness to both survive and capitalize within a racist society. One might need to turn on stereotypes of black hyper-sexuality while hitting on a woman at the bar, and then immediately dispel with the bluster while negotiating an interaction with the cops during a “routine” traffic stop on the way home. In every scenario there is the need to perform the “right” style of blackness.

Every one of these performative choices reifies the subjective status of blackness to the dominant culture. In Adrian Piper’s Mythic Being series the artist roams across New York city styled with an afro and thick push-broom mustache picking fights with white men and catcalling white women. The brilliance and continued relevance of Piper’s project lies in its reflexivity. Piper is parodying America’s reductive stereotyping of black men as dangerous and hyper-sexual. But she, as a mixed black woman, is also revealing, admitting, as the designer and performer of this character, that these depictions have been personally internalized. An interesting exchange occurs between Bruce Wayne and Alfred, as Bruce Wayne is first designing his Batman costume, again in 2005’s Batman Begins. Alfred asks the question we’ve all always wanted to ask, “Why bats?” Bruce Wayne insists that he’s terrified of bats and that he aims to embody that fear and project it onto the criminals of Gotham. “The’ll feel my fear.” Alfred appears persuaded, and the movie–feeling justified in its argument–moves on. But I call bullshit. How many grown men, especially ones that grew up in a large metropolitan area have a legitimate and debilitating fear of Bats? In the end, like Piper, it is Batman’s own blackness that he fears most, but also what he understands terrifies the larger society as well. Dark Knight, For Real

The recent adaptation of Alan Moore’s Watchmen on HBO opens with a jolting depiction of the 1929 Tulsa Black Wall Street massacre and a young black boy who is protected by his parents from the holocaust as they themselves are slain in the carnage. In a subsequent episode we find out that this character is the legendary Hooded Justice, the first of the Minutemen, the superheroes of the Watchmen world. A victim himself of Jim Crow era terrorism against black people, Hooded Justice narrowly escapes being lynched and proceeds straightway to thwarting a mugging he stumbles upon during his escape. The burlap sack over his head and noose around his neck–once the barbarous apparatus of his demise–are repurposed into the symbol of vengeance and liberation for the black folks in his neighborhood, as well as the looming comeuppance for the perpetrators of white supremacist terror running and ruining the city.

This episode of Watchmen, written by Cort Jefferson who won an Emmy for his work, makes it plain: the foundational superhero emerged from a cauldron of racial oppression with a compulsion to fight on behalf of the marginalized. I would contend that this is the case for most, if not all super and everyday heroes broadly. Jurgen Habermas’ theories on the public sphere make an emphatic case that only those excluded from the center of public life have the vantage point to diagnose the inequities within, in addition to the actual impulse to rectify those injustices. Those who benefit from the status quo rarely possess the urgency to undermine their own comfortable station.

Superheroes, in their most familiar form, are a distinctly American export for better and worse. In many ways their fiction lies less in their superhuman strength, or ability to shapeshift, or bend time, but rather in their implausible goodness. They are moral, kind, selfless, and brave; all things that Americans, feeling ownership over these characters, would hope to project as their own. Which brings us back to the inherent blackness of Batman and the superhero broadly. And why–despite its triviality–it irritates me that these icons and all the good they represent–good most often derived from the resolve and courage necessary to survive exclusion and oppression–are so effortlessly co-opted by the larger white world, that we do not question the ability of a white man to adequately fill the black suit of Batman.

#batman #comics #superheroes #nipsey hussle #blackpanthers #adrianpiper #watchman

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mintymiknow · 3 years

Text

Trust Fall - Ch. 4 | Lee Minho

summary | character profiles | masterlist

Pairing: Lee Minho/Lee Know x Reader

Summary: As you accompany some of the boys to “investigate”, you all discover things to aid your work. But it also throws you into situations you never imagined, you also find yourself falling into a deeper spiral of confusion, and you don’t know if you can trust your own heart.

Genre: Secret agent/spy au, romance, angst, action

Word count: Approx. 8.6k

Warnings for this chapter: Content involving black markets (usual crime stuff), let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Well, this was longer than the previous chapters, and I might have gotten carried away with it. Again, I’m sure a lot of things here don’t make sense or are a bit off, but it is fiction hahaha. More swoon-worthy moments, but we’re still a bit far from where it really should be *smirks*. Feel free to drop messages/asks for any comments or questions! Enjoy!

Your group of five pile into a car with Chan driving and Minho in the passenger seat. You’re squished between Jisung and Changbin, staying silent during the duration of the trip. Though you’ve technically zoned out, you can vaguely hear Jisung going on a very detailed explanation on the various chemicals and substances the test results yielded from the stuff you brought back the other day.

“Right, y/n?”

You don’t register Jisung directing his question at you until he lightly taps your arm. You blink out of your daze and snap your head to the male, “What was that?”

You hear Chan chuckle as Jisung grins brightly, “I was just telling them that sulfuric acid can turn sugar black and when it reacts, it actually fizzles and ‘grows’ into something that looks like very thick charcoal.”

You nod your head, responding softly, “Oh, yeah. That happens.”

“Is it wrong that I want to see that happen?” Changbin adds, laughing as Minho snorts.

Jisung chuckles, “I mean, I can show you in the lab one of these days. Might stink for a while though.”

“No thanks.” Minho laughs lightly.

“So, Dr. Song.” Changbin then turns to you, “What’s the lab like in Gimpo?”

“Well...it’s just a lab, I guess. Like every other medical and scientific facility. It was originally used as a research facility, but over the years, it became Korea’s prime supplier for certain chemicals and substances.” you explain.

“What kind of organizations or people are exactly allowed to be there? Or purchase from them?” Minho asks next, craning his head to look at you from the passenger’s seat.

Your eyes automatically meet his eyes, and despite the sudden shot of intimidation, you reply with a quiet voice, “Government organizations, specifically those in health departments like the Ministry of Health. Larger hospitals and medical or scientific research facilities are permitted as well, mainly for research and study purposes.”

You then turn to Jisung who is still grinning before looking back to Minho, “I have a permit because I worked in Gongjak, which is Seoul’s largest hospital. Jisung and Seungmin probably have theirs because they’re one of SKZ’s head scientists and doctors.”

Changbin chews his lips, furrowing his eyebrows as if in deep thought, “Did you have a permit when you were in SKZ?”

You shake your head slowly, shrugging in nonchalance, “Someone...someone else had it. I wasn’t in a very high position at that time, unlike Jisung and Seungmin.”

“So what did you do while in Gongjak?” Jisung asks with a tilt of his head.

“Um...tend to patients, most of the time. What any other doctor would do.” you hum, choosing the right words, “I’ve always specialized in pathology and pharmacology, so that explains why I was given the permit upon working in Gongjak. I did a lot of lab and medication tests so that the hospital could tend to patients more efficiently and effectively.”

“Lots of scientific words, but cool.” Changbin nods in approval.

Jisung then goes on about his experiences as a science major back in his university days and how he nearly burned down a lab once. While listening to his vivid narration, you hear Changbin let out a heart laugh while Chan shudders in horror. You slowly turn your gaze to Minho who is surprisingly looking at you.

“What?” you mouth with an obvious scowl on your face.

“Hmm.” Minho responds, his eyebrows raised in what can only be called a cocky manner, lips curled into a feline-like smirk at the corners.

And then he turns around without another word, eyes now watching the road ahead. You deflate in your place, sticking your tongue in the inside of your cheek as you burn the back of the male’s head with your glare.

Scientists loved studying the unknown...the mysterious. But right now, you certainly were not enjoying the mass of mystery that was Lee Minho.

It made you uneasy, and you hated that.

Well, it wasn’t his fault you saw it that way. Maybe you needed to be more open; more willing to open your eyes and explore the possibility that Minho was an individual of pleasant surprises waiting to be unraveled.

If only you could trust again and take that leap of faith.

Neither your heart nor your mind was ready for that, unfortunately.

After some time, your group approaches the lab where the guards stop your vehicle. Chan rolls the window down, flashing a million-dollar smile even before one guard gets to say, “State your business please.”

Chan’s smile doesn’t fade, “Yeah, um, we’re here to inquire about certain supplies for our research lab.”

The male then twists his body to face you, “Hey, Doc.”

You clear your throat, leaning forward to look at the guard, “Yeah, I called in a few hours ago and told Dr. Choi that my group would be visiting.”

“Name and permit, please.”

“Dr. Song.” you state before reaching for your wallet and pulling out a license-looking card that basically indicates that you were permitted to enter this particular lab.

“Alright, move along.” the guard salutes before gesturing for Chan to drive along.

Another guard then assists and guides your group to the parking area. Once Chan parks the car, he turns to everyone, “Ok, let’s go. Jisung and Dr. Song, do your thing.”

Jisung excitedly gets out of the car, and you follow after. The five of you then follow the guard to where he leads you to the “front desk” of sorts, and they do more of the mandatory checking and scanning. After clearing your group, the woman at the front desk tells you that you may proceed to the supply room which somehow functions as the “store”. The three agents simply scan the shelves with boxes of vials and bottles, eyes wandering at the familiar yet unknown chemicals.

Jisung on the other hand is walking around, reading the labels to each item as if he were on a grocery trip. “Well, here’s some hydrogen gas.” he says to no one in particular, pointing at one of the vials.

You nod, looking at another shelf when a voice enters the room. “Dr. Song?”

“Ah, yes, that’s me.” you bow in greeting.

A male bows as well, offering his hand for a handshake. He seems slightly older than you, and the exhaustion in his eyes are evident, but the smile he puts on is still very bright and friendly. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Dr. Kang.” the doctor chuckles, “I’m Dr. Choi. We spoke on the phone earlier.”

“Ah, I see.” you let out a small smile, “Hyunbin - I mean, Dr. Kang was the one who referred you as the person to contact. I still have my permit, but I wasn’t sure if that was enough to let my whole group in.”

Dr. Choi looks around, greeting the other boys with a warm smile before nodding, “Ah, yes. Technically, one permit per person, but since you did mention that this was government-related, we let it slide for today. Besides, you also said someone else had a permit?”

“Oh, that would be me.” Jisung raises his hand with a smile, “Scientist specializing in biochemistry and all that.”

“That’s great. My sister does that too.” Dr. Choi laughs, “Anyway, do you need help with anything or are you fine by yourself?”

You shake your head and offer a smile, “We’ll manage, thank you.”

“As expected from the person Dr. Kang thinks so highly of.” Dr. Choi teases, his eyes crinkling when he laughs.

You let out a small chuckle before you feel a hand circling around your upper arm. Your eyes widen as you feel your back collide with something firm, a pair of lips brushing against the shell of your ear.

“Ask him about any recent acquisitions of nitrogen, hydrogen, chlorine and sulfuric acid.”

You crane your head to look up at Minho who was looking at you with a dead-serious gaze. You raise an eyebrow, whispering your reply, “Wouldn’t that be too obvious? Suspicious?”

Minho leans closer, and you almost took a step away if it weren’t for his hold on your arm. “Just ask it, Dr. Song. We’ll handle whatever excuses and explanations.” Minho says much more firmly this time, still keeping a hushed voice.

You let out a sigh before nodding, prompting Minho to let go of your arm and taking a step back from your personal space. You aren’t exactly sure why it feels so empty and cold all of a sudden.

“Um, actually, Dr. Choi.”

“Yes?”

“I was…” you swallow the lump in your throat, turning your head to look at Minho. The agent nods in a poor attempt to encourage you, but you still continue speaking nonetheless, “We were wondering if you’d know anyone who ordered nitrogen, hydrogen, chlorine and sulfuric acid recently.”

“Hmm…” the male doctor thinks for a few seconds, “it’s not everyday people come in here for those, but I’m sorry, I wouldn’t know. I’m actually here to just monitor operations and to make sure no one blows this lab up.”

“Is there anyone we can ask?” Minho asks sharply.

Dr. Choi tilts his head as if to ask the obvious question of “why”, but he merely hums, nodding his head, “Dr. Park might be of assistance. Wait here, I’ll go and get her.”

You and your group nod, and Dr. Choi leaves the room. Changbin turns his attention to all of you, keeping his voice low and quiet, “Are they really just going to do that? Give us information on previous purchases? Organizations like these would be big on data privacy.”

You shrug, shooting a quick glare at Minho, “It was Agent Lee’s idea.”

Chan chuckles, putting one hand on your shoulder while the other one was on Minho’s, the image resembling a person trying to get his friends to stop fighting. “Ok, ok. We’ll just play it by ear, alright?”

Jisung grins as well, “I can always use my charms.”

“You aren’t Hyunjin or Jeongin.”

“Shut up Agent Seo. You don’t know me.”

“Han Jisung, I swear- ”

“Anyway,” Jisung laughs, “Who’s Dr. Kang, y/n?”

“Oh…” you start dismissing the question with a wave of your hand, “just one of my co-workers in Gongjak. We…”

Jisung fakes a gasp, “You are or were dating?”

“What? No!” you choke, “We’re colleagues. Just...we always...it’s nothing important. He’s just a work friend.”

Minho raises an eyebrow, looking at both you and Jisung with a stern look, “Are you both done? We’re still on an official activity here.”

“Right.” Jisung chuckles sheepishly, but you just look away, gluing your eyes to the various boxed chemical vials on the shelves.

“Hello.”

Your group then snaps their heads towards the new voice, everyone bowing in greeting. The woman who entered flashes a very small smile before speaking, “Dr. Choi says you had purchase questions?”

“Yes.” Chan answers with a smile, “Specifically, questions on specific chemical purchases.”

“Hmm, I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t promise anything.” the doctor explains, “Follow me.”

The female doctor then leads your group through parts of the lab facility and into what seems to be a more office-looking room. There’s only a desk, a few chairs and various shelves and drawers, so you assume this was her personal office. The doctor then takes a seat, leaning back on her chair, “Dr. Choi said you needed to know if there were any recent purchases or orders for nitrogen, hydrogen, chlorine and sulfuric acid, right?”

You all nod your heads. Dr. Park places her elbows on the desk and leans forward, eyes narrowing, “But may I ask why first? I am very sure that you’re all aware of how...this facility values privacy and security.”

Chan nods his head, putting on a very sincere and gentle expression. “Yes, we are aware of that, Dr. Park. The reason we’re asking is because we need to verify if one of our researchers made an unauthorized purchase on behalf of our lab.”

Dr. Park tilts her head inquisitively, “Oh? Well, that would be vexing.”

“Very much.” Minho adds, his calm expression never faltering, “Which is why we were wondering if you could give us any information on said purchases. It’s...crucial for the sake of accountability.”

“Your lab should do better jobs at screening who gets permits for this place then.” she says a bit harshly, her voice sharp like a knife.

Minho puts on a very humble-looking smile, but a certain twitch on the corner of his lips can tell you how insincere it was for him. “We’ll keep that in mind, Dr. Park. Don’t worry.”

The female doctor then sighs, pulling her laptop across the desk and typing away. Through the reflection on her glasses, you can all see her going through a bunch of records and data, scrolling fast as if she were used to this. You felt sorry for her eyes.

“Nitrogen, hydrogen, chlorine…” Dr. Park trails off, “...ah. Here. The most recent order for those substances was two weeks ago. Under whose name...it just says Dr. Bae Wonhyuk from Gimpo MedTech Laboratories.”

You can tell Minho is glancing at you, a silent question of “do you know him”. You shake your head definitively, clearing your throat. “Just him?” you ask.

Dr. Park nods, “Just him. All other orders from the previous weeks and months are hospital-related items.” she then furrows her eyebrows, “Although this is a bit odd...considering Gimpo MedTech Laboratories put a halt to their research activities due to economic and financial reasons from what I recall from a colleague.”

At this, Changbin takes the opportunity to speak. “Would you happen to know anyone from there that we can speak to?”

Dr. Park shakes her head, offering an apologetic expression, “None, sorry. Besides, since their activities were supposedly put on halt, it would be very likely that their facility is closed or off-limits.”

“I see.” Chan nods in understanding, “Well, we’ll have to sort things out with our lab, but thank you for your help, Dr. Park.”

“My pleasure.” the female bows her head, “Thank you for coming.”

An hour or so later, your group sits on one bed, having regrouped in a small drive-inn hotel for the time being. Chan is on the phone with Felix, relaying the name “Dr. Bae Wonhyuk” and asking the younger tech agent to dig up whatever information he can. Meanwhile, Jisung is on his laptop with Changbin, searching up articles and information on Gimpo MedTech Laboratories.

You feel the spot next to you dip when Minho takes a seat, leaning back on his hands as he lets out a yawn. You turn your head to face him at the exact same moment he does the same, both of you just staring at each other’s elusive eyes for a good three-seconds. Most times, Minho looks like a ferocious and intimidating feline in your eyes, but right now, with his head tilted and a few stray strands of swept-back hair sweeping across his forehead, he looked like a gentler house cat.

“Are you sure Dr. Bae Wonhyuk doesn’t ring any bells?” he asks carefully.

You shake your head, breaking eye contact with him as you opt to stare at the rust-colored, carpeted floor, “I told you. I did everything I could to forget about before, so I’m almost certain that I don’t know him.”

“Being ‘almost certain’ is very different from being ‘100% certain’, y/n.” the agent starts, “That difference would make a big impact in cases like this.”

You ignore the fact that he uses your first name instead of addressing you as he usually does despite you not exactly telling him to do so. You take a deep breath and release it, closing your eyes, “I’m sorry, Agent Lee.” you then open your eyes to look at the male, an apologetic tinge in your irises, “I really don’t remember.”

Minho nods his head in understanding, giving your knee a quick pat before standing up to go to where Chan is. You watch the two males talk with each other, Chan gesturing to his phone as Minho nods. You can vaguely register Jisung and Changbin typing on the laptop, but your attention is solely on your knee; specifically, the part where Minho had lightly patted.

What was that for?, you’d ask yourself, unconsciously bringing your hand to the said knee and squeezing it.

You hated being this confused.

Minutes and minutes pass, and soon, you notice that the sun was about to set and usher in the night. By now, Chan had returned with a take-out dinner for everyone. While eating your meals, Jisung speaks up, “So, what Dr. Park said about Gimpo MedTech Lab was true. They did officially announce a ‘break’ of sorts because they were struggling financially. They’ve been on hiatus for about seven months already.”

“The lab’s a fairly small one compared to all the larger ones we’re more familiar with.” Changbin adds, “They even had to let go of some scientists and researchers prior to going on hiatus.”

“When things like that happens to labs…” you say, but when all eyes land on you, you lose the words you were meaning to say and shake your head, focusing on the food in front of you.

“Dr. Song?” Minho prompts you, raising his eyebrows as if to prod you to continue.

You sigh, “When things that happens to labs - hiatus and financial difficulty - they tend to sell their research to larger or more capable firms. The research can be completed or ongoing, but if a firm is interested and willing to continue it, they will buy the works and all the rights. I’m just guessing that maybe Gimpo MedTech would do the same…just...I just wouldn’t know if they’d have research that Cle would be willing to buy. They did say Dr. Bae was from Gimpo MedTech.”

Chan nods, leaning forward as he places his phone on the empty spot on the small plastic table. “Lix, tell us what you got.” the eldest says, his usually warm and bright eyes now dark and serious.

Felix’s voice is heard from the phone as he greets everyone, “Hi guys. Ok, so Jeongin and I dug up some stuff and found out that Dr. Bae was certainly a researcher and scientist in Gimpo MedTech, but they had to let him go even before the financial struggle incident.”

“Changbin said they let go of some scientists before the hiatus as well.” Minho says, “Was he part of that?”

“No.” Felix answers, “I wasn’t able to find a 100% reliable source, but rumor has it that Dr. Bae got involved in some black market transactions while still under employment in Gimpo MedTech, and when they found out, they fired him.”

“Black market and chemical research.” Jisung clicks his tongue, “Bad combination. That’s a recipe for disaster.”

Minho nods, eyes on the eldest, “Lix, anything else?”

“There are many black markets out there, but the biggest one is known as the District Trade, and it seems to be pretty notorious for being visited by researchers, doctors and scientists from...well, more credible labs. That’s what the talk of the town says, anyway. Jeongin says he’s pretty sure someone mentioned that before when he was snooping around gang districts.”

“And then for Gimpo MedTech…” Felix continues, “They haven’t made any groundbreaking, life-changing research but they were supposed to launch a research program that was initially to develop a formula to instantly kill cancer cells. Pretty basic research stuff, but according to one of their databases that I hacked, they were going to make use of studies from, and I quote ‘SKZ’s research works’.”

Changbin mouths “bingo” as Jisung snaps his fingers. Minho rubs at his temples while you chew on your lip, knowing full well what those “research works” were about. Chan thanks the younger tech agent before hanging up, turning his attention back to the group. “So, that’s what we have right now.” he starts, “And if I’m being completely honest, we can take the night to rest, and then early tomorrow morning, we can go undercover in the District Trade black market.”

Changbin agrees immediately, getting up from his seat, “I’ll find their location.”

He then leaves the room just as Chan looks at you with a softer gaze, “I know you aren’t cut out for this, Dr. Song, but I’ll need you and Jisung to come with us just in case we need to verify the more medical or scientific stuff.”

“I’ve never been to a black market, Chan. I don’t think it’s wise for you to bring me.” you reason, crossing your arms.

“We’ll be in and out, I promise.” the agent smiles warmly, nodding his head towards Minho, “Minho will be by your side always, so you don’t need to worry, ok?”

You simply nod, your eyes not quite meeting Chan’s. With that, the eldest agent gets up, instructing Minho to come with him so they could check if they can book another extra room in the drive-inn hotel. When Minho leaves the room with him, Jisung pats your shoulder before cleaning up the take-out packaging and throwing them in a bin, flopping onto the bed nearby right after.

They just keep pulling surprises.

As the night crept in, Chan, Jisung and Changbin went to the room next to yours so that they could get their rest as well. And despite your adamant refusal and opposition, they agreed to have Minho stay in the same room as you.

“I’ll be fine by myself since you’re all in the room next door.” you told them, but Chan reasoned that it was to be “extra safe” since you were the only girl.

After Jisung making a speech about how it was best, you eventually relented as long as Minho promised not to get on your nerves or to try anything funny - he didn’t really understand why you said that, but he promised nonetheless.

You now sat on the bed rather stiffly, cheeks puffed out as your eyes were glued to the floor. Minho comes out of the bathroom water dripping from parts of his bangs after having washed his face. He looks at you quizzically, asking “Is something wrong, Dr. Song?”

“I’m just uncomfortable…” you start, choosing your words wisely, “...sleeping without having a bath and a change of clothes. It feels weird.”

“You’re free to take a bath and wash your clothes in the bathtub and leave them to dry outside. But, you’re going to have to wear just the stupid bathrobe in the bathroom since we don’t usually bring clothes to field work.” the agent explains flatly as if this were a normal conversation to have.

“Your choice.” he adds before lying down on the couch, sighing in relief.

You make a “tsk” sound before kicking your shoes off and positioning yourself on the bed, burying yourself under the sheets. A long silence fills the room, and you’re about 99% sure you can hear the soft snores escaping from Minho’s lips. The room is dark, and the irritatingly bright neon lights outside are the only source of illumination, yet you can still see how dainty Minho’s features were in this state. You sigh, suddenly feeling bad for treating him poorly in the recent days.

Guilty but the wall was still there.

Nonetheless, you grab the pillow you were laying on - quite disappointing there was only one pillow on a double-sized bed - and pull off the sheets, lightly tiptoeing over to the sleeping agent so that you could gently place the pillow on him. Clearly, you don’t take into account how these agents are very aware of their surroundings, so despite being asleep…

You nearly yelp in surprise and shock when Minho’s eyes dart open, one hand grabbing your wrist to switch places with him so he was pinning you down. His other hand clamps over your mouth, his eyes sharp like a beast’s as he glares down at you for a split-second, but as soon as he realizes it’s you, they soften in an instant. He removes his hand from your mouth, standing up and pulling you up along the way.

With you seated on the couch, he sighs and rubs his eyes, “Sorry, that was out of habit.”

You put your hand over your thumping heart, gulping as you nod, “This one was my fault, sorry.”

He then takes a seat next to you, asking, “Did you need anything?”

“Oh…” your eyes trail to the pillow on the floor, “I was just going to give that to you.”

You stand up and dust the pillow, awkwardly and stiffly holding it in front of the agent. Minho looks at you with curiosity as if he were the scientist and you were the subject. His gaze burns you, and you feel heat rising to your face. After pursing your lips and debating over what words to say, you finally mumble, “Your neck’s going to hurt in the morning if you sleep on the couch without the proper cushioning.”

“I’ve slept in worse conditions.” he says nonchalantly, positioning himself on the couch once more, “You should use it.”

You narrow your eyes, “No, but I have the bed.”

“Dr. Song.”

“Agent Lee.”

“Y/n.” he nearly smirks.

“Min - ” you stop yourself, clearing your throat, “Agent Lee.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, y/n.” the male says, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

“I’m not worried. It’s just the doctor in me; as you said…‘out of habit’.” you roll your eyes, taking a step closer to shove the pillow near his face, “I’m not leaving you alone until you take it.”

“You ever thought about being a field agent with a specialty like Hyunjin? Expert negotiator?” Minho deadpans as he rolls his eyes, groaning as he finally grabs the pillow from you.

He then props the pillow under his head, lying down with a sigh as he grumbles, “Happy?”

“I wouldn’t use the word ‘happy’, but I’ll take it.” you hum.

Minho rolls his eyes, “Now get some sleep, y/n. I’m waking you up early tomorrow and I don’t want Chan up my ass for being late.”

You return to the bed in silence, wrapping the much-too-fragrant sheets around your body. You aren’t aware of the fact that you instantly fall asleep with an ever-so-subtle smile on your face, and you surely aren’t aware of the fact that Minho shifts around the couch and cranes his head to take one glance at your sleeping form, an indescribable yet amused twinkle in his eyes.

The agent is much more quiet and sneaky, getting up from his spot to walk over to the bed. He sees the rare and peaceful expression on your face, unable to hold back a smile. He releases a deep breath before whispering, “They’re such fools to have messed you up.”

And before he knows it, he’s reaching out to lift your head, cradling it in his arms as he slips the pillow back underneath. He doesn’t say a word as he fixes the strands of hair all over your face, gingerly sweeping them away and tucked behind your ear. He doesn’t say a word as he returns to the couch, shutting his eyes as he falls into slumber.

The next morning, you wake up just as the sunlight cracks into the sky. You sit up, looking at the pillow suspiciously, eyebrows furrowed as if presented with the most confusing puzzle ever. You then look at the couch, the male agent long gone, so you scan the room for any sign of him. Just in time, the door to the room opens, Minho already up and about. “I was just about to wake you up.” he says plainly, “Get ready.”

“Yeah, seeing as to how we slept in our clothes from yesterday, there isn’t much getting ready to be done.” you say with a sigh, using your fingers to comb your hair and rid it of sleepy tangles.

You grab your phone and stand in front of Minho, nodding your head as if to say “let’s go”. However, the male looks you up and down before removing his jacket without a word. Your eyes widen when he drapes it around your shoulders, suddenly conscious of yourself. Was something wrong? Were your clothes dirty? Did you smell?

“What?” you blurt out, embarrassed.

Minho offers a small smile before becoming poker-faced again. “We’re going to a shady place, so you kind of have to look the part and not…”

Beautiful and attractive.

“...like this.” Minho settles for that, hoping you get his point and not argue, “Your blouse screams privileged and good-natured.”

“Oh.” you hum, looking down at the simple white blouse you were wearing but the agent did have a point; it looked to clean and pristine, “Ok.”

With that, the agent ushers you out of the room where you regroup with the three other boys by the car. Chan and Jisung wave at you and greet you good morning while Changbin flashes a small smile. You bow your head before standing next to Jisung. Chan then nods, “Let’s go. Remember to keep a low profile. Don’t cause any trouble or engage anyone. Jisung, stick with Changbin. Y/n, with Minho.”

When everyone nods and states they understand, you all pile into the car, and Chan starts to drive off.

District Trade was apparently located in Gimpo’s slightly more rural area. Chan had to park the car somewhere else as the whole group walked a few kilometers to a rundown compound lot with towers and towers of container van apartments littered across the place. There were also small kiosk-like booths as if it were a wet market. Except this place wasn’t bustling with people; everything was quiet and discreet like they already knew how the trade worked. No noisy haggling, impatient old ladies and people doing their vegetable shopping - just very experienced traders buying and selling things that aren’t on the market for everyone.

Chan walks through the crowd calmly, eyebrows furrowed as he looks here and there. Changbin does the same, his buff appearance and intimidating expression helping your group blend in. You see Jisung whispering something in Chan’s ear, pointing at a stall with suspicious-looking bottles; Chan nods and gestures for Changbin to “mingle”.

Your group stands in front of the stall as Changbin pretends to inquire about the chemicals, Jisung by his side to listen to the merchant trader’s answers. Chan and Minho are also listening in, eagle eyes observing the trader’s body language. While they do that, your nose picks up on a particular smell coming from a few feet away, specifically in one of the container van offices. You know better than to use the name “Agent Lee” in a place like this, so when you tug on his sleeve, you whisper with a “Minho”; it feels foreign on your tongue.

When Minho turns his attention to you, he slightly bends down to lend his ear. “I think we should check that container van too.” you say quietly.

Minho’s eyes then trail over to the said container van, trying to peer inside. His gaze then trails over to a group of merchant men nearby, snickering and looking at you with sleazy smirks. The agent then wraps one arm around your waist, pulling you close to his side. Before you can react or protest, he whispers in your ear, “We’ll go after Changbin finishes here. For now, stay like this, trust me.”

And so on a rare occasion such as this, you nod your head and listen to the male’s words, allowing him to hold you close to his side.

You felt safe for some reason, which wasn’t something that often happened.

Maybe it’s just this situation since I am in a sketchy place, you tell yourself.

Yeah, that was probably it.

After Changbin finishes “talking” with the merchant, Minho informs Chan about what you said. With a nod of his head, the eldest male walks ahead followed by Changbin. Jisung walks beside you and Minho, lowly whispering, “That merchant used to supply the chemicals we’re looking for, but ever since a new supplier came in, he stopped because there was competition. He’s stopped for about a year and sticks to just trading less dangerous substances like...street drugs.”

“I see.” Minho responds, “Let’s hope this one gives us answers.

Your group arrives at the container van, opening the flimsy door and stepping inside. By the counter-like desk is the trader with another man wearing a cap. The cap-man side steps to let Chan stand in front of the trader. The merchant raises an eyebrow, and Chan puts on an easy smile. “We’re looking for nitrogen, hydrogen, chlorine and sulfuric acid.” he says directly, voice confident and calm.

The merchant nods, retreating to the other side of the room before returning to the counter with some vials. He says, “These are our only stocks. This fellow here took the rest.”

The capped man nods once, eyes busy looking at the other stuff in the “store”. Chan pretends to inspect the vials, raising an eyebrow as he asks, “I have to ask...where did you source these?”

“You don’t need to know buddy.” the merchant scoffs with a smirk, “That’s for me to know. You just gotta pay.”

“We aren’t paying if we don’t know.” Chan shrugs, an easy smirk on his lips.

The merchant scowls, raising an eyebrow as he responds, “Are you new here? We don’t just give away trade secrets, bud.”

Minho interjects with a haughty raise of his eyebrow, “We know, but our boss is really particular with the stuff we get. He only wants the best of the best. If he finds out that what you sold us isn’t the best, he might as well have your head.”

You stare at the agent, chills running down your spine as you see the vicious color in his eyes, eyebrows knit together in faux irritation. Before the merchant can even reply, the capped male chuckles at the side, turning to face your group, “Don’t worry, lads. This trader gets materials from very excellent sources, I can vouch for that.”

Changbin crosses his arms, “Where then?”

The stranger smirks, “A credible lab. That’s all you need to know. Take my word for it or not.”

With one undecipherable look from Chan, Minho and Changbin nod their heads. The eldest agent chuckles lightly, bowing his head, “Alright, we’ll take your word for it. If you’re lying, you owe us big time.”

The man laughs in a very fake yet very heart manner, “Oh, definitely.”

Minho fakes a smile as well. The man then says, “But don’t worry, I’m somewhat of an expert. Experts like me would know the good quality stuff from the bad ones…” he then turns his attention to you, raising his eyebrows excitedly, “...right, darling?”

You unconsciously take a shaky step back, Minho steadying you with a firm hand to the small of your back. You play it off with a small smile, “Right.”

The man then chuckles before bowing towards the merchant and your group. He then takes whatever pouch he had with him, leaving the container van. Chan subtly taps Changbin’s arm, and the buff male nods. The next thing you know, he heads out as well. The merchant doesn’t seem to care, much more preoccupied with whether or not Chan is going to purchase the chemicals.

Chan offers a sweet smile, slipping a few bills over the counter, “We’ll just take half then.”

The merchant groans and grumbles something incoherently before packing a few vials into a secured pouch. He hands it over to Chan who thanks him, and soon he leads your group outside. “Was that Bae Wonhyuk?” Jisung whispers to Chan.

The older male shakes his head, “Not quite sure, but he’s a target. The merchant said he just purchased the things we inquired about.”

Minho nods, “Changbin’s tailing him. We should probably split up and tail him from different angles. Meet at the rendezvous point later.”

“I’ll take Jisung, you take y/n.” Chan instructs, and Minho nods immediately.

Soon, Chan and Jisung walk ahead, taking a different path from when you first entered the market. Meanwhile, Minho looks at you, raising an eyebrow in concern, “Do you want to hold my hand or are you fine walking beside me?”

“I’m not a child...Minho.” you put an emphasis on his first name, “Let’s go.”

He hums in satisfaction, walking side-by-side towards the exit of the market. Outside the gated compound is a large open space where the cars and vehicles of the other black market traders are parked. Minho’s phone beeps with a message; Changbin informs him that he’s successfully tailed their target all the way to an abandoned cargo sea port nearby.

The agent turns to you, eyes serious and almost as if they were pleading, “Whatever happens, you need to listen to what I say, alright?”

You nod, swallowing the nervous lump in your throat. You don’t fight back or protest when Minho takes hold of your hand, walking much faster than before, making sure you’re still able to keep up.

After a few meters, you arrive at the abandoned sea port, and out of the corner of your eye, you see Chan and Jisung a few feet away, navigating through the empty cargo containers. The waves of the sea nearby are roaring, some part of the concrete being submerged in the water. A few rusted and decrepit cranes and lifts are scattered around the port, resembling ghosts that refuse to part from this place.

Everything is eerily silent save for the sound of waves; it’s creepy and definitely the type to send chills through your every nerve. You don’t even realize that you’re gripping Minho’s hand much tighter than you intended. But when you hear a gunshot in the distance, your heart freezes and you find yourself clinging to his arm. Minho instantly pulls his gun out, the gunshot sounds echoing in the empty port. It sounds like it's coming from everywhere, and Minho’s eyes scan the entire area. His gaze stops somewhere to the side, narrowing even more when he spots a figure.

In a split-second as soon he fixes his eyes on the figure, a bullet is fired, barely missing both you and Minho. You yelp in shock, and Minho is quick to move. He grabs your arm and drags you away, running with skill as he spots an empty container and all but shoves you inside. “Don’t move.” is all he says before running off.

The thumping of your heart somehow drowns out the sounds of gunshots as you fall on your butt, sitting in the empty container. You can vaguely hear shoes scuffling outside on the pavement and a few banging on the metal containers. It feels like you spend forever inside the container, when it’s only been less than 30 minutes.

You grab one of the broken metal bars laying around in the container, but just when you stand up, you hear footsteps approaching. Your throat runs dry and your muscles tense so much you feel like a statue. Thank the heavens, it’s just Minho who reveals himself, expression nothing short of confusion as he sees the metal bar in your grip. “I…” you cough, “Self defense.”

Minho sighs, “No one’s going to harm you. We all promised you that.”

The agent walks over to you, gently prying your hands off the metal bar and letting it fall to the ground with a clang. “Are you ok?” he asks for precautionary measures, looking you up and down as if to assess any injuries.

You merely nod your head, following the male as he gestures for you to go outside. When you regroup with the other boys, Changbin is carrying the capped man - now unconscious - over his shoulder. Jisung is sifting through the pouch the man originally carried, but Chan is nowhere to be found.

Your unvoiced question is answered when a black car soon arrives, coming to a halt in front of all of you. Changbin opens the back door of the car, carefully laying the unconscious man down. As he busies himself with tying the man up and putting a cloth around his mouth, Minho tells you and Jisung to go inside. After a minute or so, Changbin and Minho get inside the car as well, and Chan quickly drives off.

Jisung is on another ramble over the chemicals he sees inside the capped man’s pouch, but you don’t really pay attention, adrenaline wearing off and suddenly feeling very much exhausted. You barely remember that Minho made you wear his jacket before heading to District Trade, so right now, in the safety of the car, you idly grip it tighter as if hugging the material closer. It feels like warmth and familiarity in ways you can’t comprehend, but that was your life now.

Confusing and incomprehensible.

Your eyes fall shut, your head eventually leaning onto Jisung’s shoulder who isn’t too shaken, chuckling instead and telling Minho that his “partner” was now asleep. You don’t hear Minho reply with “let her, she needs it.”

And that would mean you don’t see the endeared smile on his lips as Chan chuckles lightly and Changbin smirks to himself.

When you all return to the headquarters, you and Jisung separate with the other boys to head to the lab department. While the three field agents go to the main building, you and Jisung meet with Seungmin in one lab room. The doctor drums his fingers on the table, “What did you get?”

Jisung carefully empties the contents of the pouch, revealing the vials the capped man purchased from the black market. A few particular vials catch your attention, the copper-colored liquid standing out from the rest. Jisung then claps his hands once, “The stuff we discovered previously...and maybe new stuff. Hold on, I’ll just get my gloves.”

Seungmin nods, moving to one of the shelves to get his own gloves too. While the two males are getting their things, you swiftly grab one of the suspicious vials, making sure to secretly shove it into your jacket - or more specifically, Minho’s jacket. You then walk over to the shelf to get your gloves and lab coat, flashing a small smile to the two males, “Let’s run those tests.”

After a few minutes, the three of you successfully analyze and observe the chemical substances, now on standby to await the results of the tests itself. After Seungmin clears the area, he turns to you and Jisung. “These will probably take a few more hours.” he states, “I’ll keep watch, so you two can go to the interrogation room or something.”

“Interrogation room?” you ask.

Jisung nods, looping his arm around yours, “Minho and the rest are probably there. Let’s go.”

And that is how you end up being dragged by Jisung to the main building, his arm still looped around yours happily. Once in the main building, you take the elevator to several floors down. It opens to reveal a darker, more quiet and chilly area, the white fluorescent lights quite painful to the eyes. An agent behind one of the desks further into this floor looks up from her papers, tilting her head, “Yes?”

“Oh, are Bang and the rest done with interrogations?” Jisung asks.

The female agent shakes her head, “Not yet.”

“Is it possible for us to go in their room?” Jisung almost pouts his lower lip, “We were involved in this operation.”

She nods, gesturing towards the hallway behind her, “The last room. Just watch, don’t disturb them or interfere.”

“Yes, thanks.”

You and Jisung then descend the hall, the male making light knocks on the last door. A few seconds later, Changbin slightly opens the door, peeking through the small slit. Once he sees you and Jisung, he opens it wider but whispers, “If you’re gonna ask questions, ask Minho first.”

You and Jisung nod, entering the room when Changbin ushers you in. Minho is sitting on one of the chairs lined up by the wall while Chan is in another room separated by a large glass window. Across the metal table opposite of him is the capped man - cap now gone to reveal his full features. You see a small bruise blooming on his cheekbone. Changbin remains standing, watching Chan interrogate the man. Jisung heads over to Minho, so you follow suit; you both sit on opposite sides of the agent.

“What have you guys found?” Jisung asks.

Minho chews on his lip, “He’s not Bae Wonhyuk.” the agent continues, “In fact, it’s highly plausible that Dr. Bae is dead.”

Before you or Jisung can ask anything else, you hear Chan ask more about Bae Wonhyuk. The capped man speaks, and you all hear it through the speakers in the room. “Bae Wonhyuk was desperate to continue his research career after what happened to the Gimpo lab.” the man laughs, “His desperation led him to us, but he didn’t expect to be working on the things we are working on now.”

Chan sighs, “The human testing for some super serum?”

“Whatever you wish to call it, agents.” the man snickers, “We are working on life-changing discoveries, something you hypocritic fools wouldn’t understand.”

“Why did Cle kill Dr. Bae Wonhyuk?” Chan ignores the man’s words.

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Why?”

“Whatever reasons they wanted.”

Chan puts on a sickly sweet smile, poking his tongue on the inside of his cheek, “Cle can’t save you and definitely won’t go out of their way to look for a missing henchman. So, tell us. Why?”

The man scoffs with a shrug, “The doctor thought Cle was doing research on medical cures and whatnot. When he eventually realized that wasn’t the case, he wanted out. But by the time it happened, it was too late. The fool sold Gimpo MedTech research to us already and even allowed his permits to be used for sourcing materials. When he threatened to alert the government, well...you know what happens to snitches like that.”

You involuntarily shudder, but when the man snaps his head to your direction, eyes swimming with a twisted amusement, you feel fear seizing every inch of your body. Minho and Changbin narrow their eyes at the man while Jisung tries to study him. Chan taps the metal table, speaking with a firm voice, “Hey, they aren’t the ones talking to you. Look here - ”

But the man cuts him off, ignoring the agent’s commands, “And speaking of snitches...you’d know what happens, don’t you, Dr. Song?”

You tense up, jaw clenching as you refuse to give a reaction or utter a single word. Chan furrows his eyebrows, using his palm to bang on the table much harder now, “Hey - ”

“What are you doing here in SKZ, dear doctor?” the man snickers, “Were you not part of the people who conducted experiments behind Jung’s back?”

You feel Jisung and Minho’s eyes on you, but you still can’t manage to form a decent response. The man takes the opportunity to keep speaking, “You’re the perfect addition to our team! Maybe you should come over!”

You finally gulp, shaking your head. Despite the shakiness in your voice, you deny, “I don’t know what you mean. I wasn’t part of that group.”

“Stop lying to yourself, Dr. Song. We both know you were there every step of the way.”

By now, your eyebrows are furrowed, fear replaced by anger as you stand up from the chair, “I said I was not! Whoever your bosses are are the ones responsible for it, and I had nothing to do with those events!”

“Dr. Baek would care to disagree. Hmm, change of heart?”

You swallow hard.

“Dr. Baek still remembers you very clearly.”

Your eyes fill with a violent red, nerves ablaze with anger. You don’t see anything but a rush of red, making a move to step closer to the glass window. The man attempts to walk over to the glass window as well.

“Do you remember him too?”

It all happens in a flash - the screeching of a chair when Chan abruptly stands to stop the man from speaking or moving, Changbin entering the interrogation area to assist Chan, Jisung’s often sunny stare turning into a glare, Minho’s arms around your body as he drags you out.

You vaguely hear the man yelling words about how you were involved in that incident, how Dr. Baek wants to see you again, or how things didn’t end well for “snitches”. But his yelling is muffled out when Jisung closes the door and Chan and Changbin restrain the man.

His yelling is drowned out when Minho all but pushes you to the other interrogation room next door. There, he nearly slams the door and pushes you against it, hands quick to cradle the sides of your face. You’re just as quick to grip his wrists, staring at the agent with wide, glassy eyes.

“I don’t know him. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I really don’t!” you breathe out, voice nothing short of pleading as you repeat your words frantically, “I don’t!”

Minho shushes you, steadying your figure against the door as he speaks with a firm yet soothing voice, “Dr. Song, calm down. It’s alright, just calm down and take a deep breath.”

“He’s lying.” you breathe out, holding onto Minho’s wrists tighter.

“Yes, yes, alright.” Minho nods, sparkly eyes looking down at you earnestly. His thumbs lightly brush against your cheekbones in an attempt to calm you down. He doesn’t know if it works, but your breathing somehow evens out, your frantic babbling coming to a halt. You’re now just staring back at him, tears welling in your eyes; when you close your eyes, the tears eventually trail down.

A blur of memories you’ve repressed rush into your mind; you don’t pick out the details as it literally just blurs past, but they still somehow manage to shake you.

“I’m sorry.” you whisper.

Minho sighs, loosely circling his arms around your waist. If he feels the bump of the vial you put in his jacket pocket earlier, he doesn’t say anything. He notes it in his head, but he doesn’t say anything.

He then unwraps his arms from you, taking a small step back. “You should go back, ok? Lounge, lab, your room - whatever. I’ll have Jisung go with you.” he says, lacing his fingers with yours.

You can only nod, following the agent outside the room. He still has your hand in his as he makes you wait in the hallway, calling Jisung from the interrogation room. When the scientist steps out of the room, Minho gives your hand a quick squeeze before letting go.

The next thing you know, Jisung’s arm is around your shoulder as you both begin to walk away.

In the interrogation room, Chan and Changbin are both in the interrogation area, watching over the man. Changbin leans against the gray concrete wall, arms crossed across his chest. Chan sits on the metal table, looking at Minho expectantly before turning to look at the man with a borderline-haughty look.

Minho’s eyes narrow like sharp knives as he takes definite steps towards the man.

“‘You know what happens to snitches’ you say?” the agent smirks, “Well, do you know what happens to liars?”

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boys-night · 3 years

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Mickey and Ian - communication, sex, and relationship styles, post 11x07

Here’s my take on how Ian and Mickey relate to sexuality and relationship styles, thinking mainly about 11x07, but also looking more broadly at the series and including HoS. If you’re not interested in incorporating 11x07 in your version of canon, ignore this! I enjoyed 11x07 but I understand people have different ways of seeing Ian and Mickey’s relationship. I’m also doing the classic meta thing of taking seriously exaggerated/comic/contradictory elements in the show because that’s how I roll.

Super long post under cut.

I’ve been reading Sexuality: A Graphic Guide by Meg-John Barker and Jules Scheele which is where a lot of the following ideas and terminology come from. I’ve also been looking at Meg-John Barker’s free relationship zine on their website rewritingtherules.com. I highly recommend their work, including the podcast they have with Justin Hancock, The Meg-John and Justin podcast (although MJ has left now and it’s called Culture, Sex, Relationships, but you can check out the backlog!)

They think about sex and relationship styles using various models including monogamy/polyamory, allosexuality/asexuality, romance/aromance etc. They look at these different facets of sexuality/relationship styles as complicated continua rather than binaries which shift over time. They also write about sexuality on an action/identity spectrum, communication strategies around relationships styles, and the windows into relationships. Here, I’m looking at all of these things thinking about Ian and Mickey’s relationship and as individuals within the relationship.

The monogamy/polyamory continuum

I’ve seen a bit of debate about how to label Mickey and Ian’s relationship on the monogamy/polyamory spectrum and I think it’s a pretty complex question especially considering those labels mean different things to different people and that relationships shift a lot over time. While labels like these can be useful, they can also be rigid and restrictive in their own ways.

Some terms that come close-ish to what they say they’ve decided in 11x07 are monoamorous and polysexual, considering they aren’t at all interested in romantic connections outside of each other but are up for sex (in a broad sense) with other people. But these terms don’t account for the agreement that they’re only exploring sex with other people when they’re together.

As people have pointed out, some of the boundary setting around exactly how they’re involving other people in the relationship is left off-screen, and also they’re not necessarily going to form identities around how they act in one episode. I’ve also seen people suggest reading their relationship style as monagamish and/or that what they do with other people is part of kink/play. I think these make sense in different ways and that in 11x07 Ian and Mickey definitely focus more on what they do (action) rather than who they are (identity) in regards to monogamy/polyamory.

In 11x01, Ian’s focus is more on identity. He sets up a binary choice between being monagamous or not in their relationship. 11x07 indicates they’ve moved through off-screen discussion into a much more personalised arrangement with more focus on actions allowing for flexibility over time. In 11x07, we see them agree on rules: sex in a broad sense is allowed outside of the primary partnership, love isn’t. They keep negotiations ongoing (e.g. in the bedroom, in the furniture store), and there is an indication that these rules could change over time.

I’d love to read/explore more about the ways in which this approach has changed over the course of the whole show. At the start of their relationship, definitely prior to s4, they have much more implicit rules about who they can have sex with, and those implicit rules become problematic in s5, when they realise they’re not completely on the same page regarding them. They bring up clashing ideas around the rules when Mickey’s leaving prison in s10 too. In s11, their relationship becomes more intentional, with these rules stated aloud rather than assumed.

The action/identity continuum in regards to gay sexuality

On a slight tangent, I think there’s a comparison to be made here to how they relate to sexuality (specifically gender of attraction) and the idea of gay identity, which seems to develop in the other direction. For Mickey especially, for a long time having sex with men was something he did rather than something he was, and that’s gradually somewhat shifted over the course of the show. There’s so much more that can be explored here, for instance, about how the action-based approach is much more acceptable within the hyper-masculine environment he was raised. Terry also approaches it this way when talking about prison sex, for example. According to this very oppressive social script, having sex with men in certain circumstances can be OK but claiming that as part of who you are is absolutely not.

But I also want to stress, I don’t think either approach to gay sexuality, looking at it through actions or through identity, is inherently better or worse. These different lenses on sexuality also intersect with class and levels of education. As explored in Sexuality: A Graphic Guide, the identity approach is also relatively a very modern way of seeing sexuality (late 20th century). Gender of attraction is also only one facet of sexuality (which includes amount of sex you want, type of sex, sexual roles etc.) but its now often regarded as the only or most important facet of sexuality. The identity-based approach is much more acceptable within the more aspirational/middle class settings they interact with in s10 and s11. In these seasons, Mickey and to a lesser extent Ian aren’t completely willing to accept it wholesale. I like how, for example, even well after “coming out”, Mickey often still approaches sexuality through actions rather than identity, e.g. his response to the woman at the flower shop asking if he’s a homosexual: “He is, I just like having another man’s dick up my ass.”

However, I also think it’s cool/interesting how Ian and Mickey both move towards and embrace various parts of mainstream gay identity in s11 too, and a large part of that involves combatting the sexism, femmephobia, and hypermasculinity with which they were raised, e.g. of course, singing and dancing to Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande in the bathroom.

You could also look at the different ideas about the origins of their gay sexuality in HoS through this lens. Mickey goes for a psychological/behavioural approach (based in like early 20th century sexological theories); Ian goes for a born-this-way, biological/genetic approach (popularised in the 1980s as part of gay pride movements).

Mickey’s approach is very old school (definitely a way of thinking that reflects his upbringing), which assumes straight is the norm from which gay deviates, to do with Freudian theory/the idea of homosexuality as pathology. He doesn’t, for example, seek to use the same model (Fiona’s bad relationship history) to explain why Lip is straight. Ian’s approach (”not because I was born this way?”) reflects his investment in the intractability of sexuality related to his strict opposition to conversion therapy models and the idea of being gay as a choice. It also reflects the way he reacts negatively/disbelievingly to Debbie’s more flexible sexuality (in s8?). While obviously it’s fucked up/impossible to force people to change their sexuality and it’s perfectly reasonable for him to define the origins of his own sexuality however he wants, this approach risks excluding more fluid experiences of sexuality.

Again, Mickey’s approach is more behavioural/action oriented and Ian’s is more identity oriented. They both seem pretty willing to shift their ideas around this though (especially Mickey, who potentially is just regurgitating old stuff he’s heard without thinking). The concluding thought is that Ian is gay because he likes Mickey’s d, lol.

Individual differences on sex and relationship continua

I really like the detail that Ian doesn't want to have sex and be friends with anyone else aside from Mickey. In 11x07, he doesn't want to make friends with the guys in the locker room although he's down for repeat sexual experiences which suggests he thinks he forms romantic attachment through a combination of both sex and friendship. It seems like it's important to him in his negotiation with Mickey that they don't form romantic attachments outside of their own relationship.

This relates back to the 87% thing in HoS where Ian says he tends to get at least slightly attached to everyone he has sex with and Mickey has 87% of his heart. Mickey doesn’t like the 87% thing at all but I reckon it outlines a really interesting difference between the two characters in regards to relationship styles. It indicates that Ian is comfortable with a slightly less mononormative way of doing nurturance/care than Mickey, while Mickey seems to initiate more of the polysexuality than Ian in 11x07. (Although of course, we don’t see how Ian would react if Mickey were to tell him he’s got 87% of his heart! -- but this is a very difficult to imagine scenario).

Sex is a big part of their relationship for both of them. Both Ian and Mickey seem pretty allosexual (e.g. they feel sexual attraction for other people generally), but Mickey is possibly even more so than Ian. Mickey also maybe falls on the aromantic/grayromantic spectrum (once again, the labels can be really useful but I don’t want to be too prescriptive/rigid). Ian seems to be more alloromantic, with a capacity to experience romantic attraction to a whole bunch of people. For him, sex and romance seem to be more interconnected in all cases although he can definitely separate the two (especially when thinking about transactional sex etc).

But I think it's more complex than that. For instance, Mickey reserves certain sexual acts for just between him and Ian and its clear that they have both intimacy and exploration in their sex life. From the outset, Ian and Mickey’s relationship involves exploration and excitement with sex, and provides a freedom to explore their sexualities in regards to sexual roles and kink. It’s clear that Mickey values the safe space Ian specifically gives him in this regard from very early on in their relationship. There’s a parallel here with the bathroom Gaga/Grande scene where Ian’s instinct isn’t to tease or make fun of Mickey but support him embracing more stereotypical gay behaviours and/or more fluid gender roles to the ones he’s grown up with outside of sex too.

Also it might be useful to complicate the idea of romance itself which is a really difficult idea to pin down and which seems to mean different things for both of them. I love the stress on friendship in 11x07. Friendship and also family connection play such key parts in their relationship with one another and the way in which they are attached, arguably even more so than traditional models romance. Both HoS and the Hopper painting discussion are interesting to think about in regards to the ways Ian and Mickey think about the concept of romance differently and the ways it intersects with or differs from their ideas around friendship/family. I like how Mickey’s willing to see getting a coffee together as romantic in a positive way for instance after Ian explains that it’s about togetherness in hard times. While maybe Mickey sees Ian’s suggestion of having a bath together as awkward/weird because he views it more as trying to live up to a social script of what is “romantic”.

Communication strategies around relationship styles

In s11, Ian and Mickey’s relationship is very entwined, and, in comparison to Tami and Lip, for instance, they disclose a lot to each other. Ian asks that they tell each other everything, and although Mickey is more resistant to that initially, he becomes much more forthcoming with his feelings in s11 (around Terry, around moving to the West Side, around becoming a parent).

While I appreciate Ian’s role in initiating more communication between the two of them, I felt sorry for Mickey in their initial discussion in 11x01 in re “monogamous or not”. The turning over the paper method is a pretty binary way to open up a discussion about a very charged and complicated thing.

They do seem to complement each other in this regard though with Ian generally more keen to initiate conversation but also getting more trapped into binaries, narratives of normativity and should-stories. While Mickey totally still projects an image that is informed by local expectations around masculinity and white supremacy, he’s also a rule-breaker in many ways and doesn’t have the same desire to conform to what society perceives to be “normal” (thanks HoS), especially behind closed doors and within his relationship with Ian (“liking what I like don’t make me a bitch”). @fiona-fififi had a really good point in the tags a while back about how Mickey’s investment in their wedding and its success might have spurred Ian on further to embrace more normative ways of doing relationships. This is super interesting, and also makes me think just about how being married itself prompts Ian to think about taking a more active role in pushing the relationship further up the relationship escalator and in pushing for more communication around these steps in general.

There’s also something to be said about pressurising each other in 11x07, especially when they jokingly(?) threaten each other with sex with other men if both of them aren’t around. I doubt they were making these suggestions seriously but it definitely doesn’t strike me as the most consensual method of communication. But there’s parallels here with generally using sex as a bargaining chip earlier on in the season. Ian seems to do that after having exhausted his attempts at trying to have conversations around money/monogamy etc, as a tried and tested way of getting Mickey to engage with him. And it definitely reflects using sex with each other and sex/relationships with other people (e.g. s3 Angie/Ned, s10 Byron/Cole) as modes of communication in earlier seasons. It kind of makes sense that they still have these habits in s11 even if they are no longer the primary mode of communication.

Ian and Mickey relied so much on implicit communication in the early seasons and they have highly developed nonverbal ways of communicating. I don’t want to say that either verbal or nonverbal ways of communicating are inherently better than the other. They seem to understand each other on a deep level, which is really cool, but people have pointed out can make them think they don’t need to verbally communicate when they do, because they assume that they’ll understand one another and be on the same page. It’s super interesting to see them maintain that deep connection and continue to use nonverbal cues while also adopting more explicit and intentional communication styles in s10 and s11.

The windows of their relationship

The fandom is always bringing up how Ian and Mickey leave the doors open when they bang, lol, and also making fun of how much Ian overshares. I think this is v fair but it also strikes me as pretty healthy that he wants people to see into his and Mickey’s relationship, especially in his discussions with Lip. But Ian’s got plenty of people around him who can see and help when things get tough.

In s11, it’s great to see Mickey get closer to the Gallagher family and see various members defending him or taking his side in arguments, but he definitely does have less of an on-screen support system than Ian. (I wish that they had developed his and Sandy’s relationship in s11). I think the aftermath of the City Hall incident in s10 really reveals this particular imbalance in their relationship. On one level, Mickey moves in with Byron as a reaction to being hurt and even maybe a strategy of revenge/manipulation, on another, he doesn’t really have anywhere to go aside from the Gallagher house when/if he needs to get away from Ian. Also, the way he retreats back to the Gallagher house when he can’t deal with the Westside is an interesting development of this in s11.

Ian’s need to share stuff about their relationship is kind of exciting considering his history of being unforthcoming about his relationships (and his history of being in a lot of secret relationships), as well as how difficult he found it to talk about Mickey while Mickey was away. But there is a different problem with ongoing talk around privacy and boundaries here too (Mickey doesn’t want Ian to chat about how he’s not into rimming!). Although to be fair, Mickey also chats about a lot of explicit sex stuff with strangers.

Although they do ultimately decide against pursuing the pretty inorganic way of making friends in 11x07, Ian’s desire to make gay friends who he can talk to about relationship stuff makes sense in terms of the way he has been pushing for a more intentional relationship with more communication and more explicit discussion and compromise this season (and last season too). It also intersects with an idea of him/both of them going further to embrace gay sexuality as an identity.

It’s interesting that Mickey’s the one to initiate this decision through ribbing Ian about his relationship with Lip. Why’s Mickey doing that? Is it just to be a little shit or is he also trying (subconsciously?) to activate Ian in some direction? (And also, maybe there’s a parallel there to getting their apartment in the west side, where Mickey’s the one inadvertently introducing Ian to the idea by pushing for them to go play in the pool).

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There’s a lot here which is just scratching the surface of thinking about Ian and Mickey’s relationship in the context of these different sexuality and relationship continua. For e.g. it would be really interesting to think more about this stuff in terms of shifting sex roles and kink exploration. Of course it’s all up for interpretation and I am sure I am highlighting areas that I’m personally interested in and inadvertently projecting myself/my own preferences and styles into this discussion. Very down for disagreements and discussions if other people are interested and manage to read all of this, lol.

#Ian x Mickey #Gallavich #shameless meta #shameless 11x07 #sexuality #relationships #Meg-John Barker #shameless s11 #Ian Gallagher #Mickey Milkovich #why did i write all of this?#Shameless HoS

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