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lz-didyounotice · 3 months

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The girl with a thousand faces : Part 2

this gif doesn't belong to me

Hey! Me again, the part 2 is finally out ! There is still one chapter coming up next week. Warning : English is not my first language, so there might be some spelling mistakes. Be indulgent. Hope you enjoy,

Froggit-

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Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

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Fourteen was when you started to remember who you were in your past lives.

It first came in dreams, nightmares, flashes when touching certain things, objects you didn’t even know. At first, it was scary. It also didn’t help, to for once in your many cycles, don’t understand what was happening. At your young age, you had already seen too many psychologists to even think it was normal.

You were prescribed too many drugs for you to even count, but you never wanted to take any of them, as if you knew there was something more to it than fleeting thoughts, making you want to disappear.

Everyone in the family was worried about your mental health, and thought something was wrong. Why wouldn’t they? It was keeping you up day and night. For Donna, on the other hand, it was nothing of the sort. Somehow she was the first one there when a nightmare happened, when something you saw made you unable to breathe. It was like she knew every part of it, but didn’t want to put word on what she thought.

You had told her what went through your head, as stupid as it could have sounded. And all she did was listen to everything and lull you back to sleep without asking anything in return. If it weren’t for her, you probably wouldn’t have been able to start remembering. And be stuck on those damned antidepressants.

It had come to this every night. And by the time you were twenty-five, your memories had reemerged. The only part that wasn’t clear was the way your last death went. You remembered meeting a man, running. But running from what? You didn’t quite know. All you knew was your promise. To see him once more, even in another life. If you weren’t sure how you could keep such a promise, you needed to keep it.

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Today was supposed to be a beautiful day for your sister. And yet, here she was, disappearing into thin air in front of everyone's eyes, a yellow glow pouring over her before it disappeared into the ceiling along with her.

All hell broke loose, and everyone was searching for her, including you, as your mom was on the phone trying to see if she hadn’t run away back home.

To be honest, you were happy that Lance didn’t get to marry your sister for an hour more. Something with him didn’t fit right. The way he would look at her, his comments always holding something more hurtful. Just by checking his hand, you knew something was up with him. You did tell Donna about what you thought of him, but she was desperate, and against your advice, she thought marrying him was the better option.

So when you saw him tell your mom he didn’t find her, a smooth smile was plastered on your lips, while you tried to retain all your hatred for the man.

The afternoon was spent waiting for her return. You knew she would be back; it was her who proposed to Lance after all, and she was too excited to marry him to have disappeared on purpose. Unfortunately, each family didn’t want anything to go to waste, and so the reception was held as intended, but without the bride.

You weren’t happy about it. Far from it, to be exact. You were at the back of the room, trying to think of something other than Lance dancing with a blond girl half as gifted as your sister.

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The music was blasting, everyone seemed to have a blast, dancing, singing, having fun. When the doors opened, you were relieved to see Donna still in her dress. It had picked up dirt for some reason, but that wasn’t important. She was there, safe and sound.

As you looked behind her, a flash came into existence. Red and loud alarms echoed everywhere. And this man, in his long brown trench coat, whom you had promised to come back to, was running to escape what was to come.

Pulling out of the flash, you heard Donna trying to keep it together as she watched both parties having a wonderful time while she was gone. Passing through the crowd, you took a step up to her, before hugging her like your life depended on it. Relieved she was okay, making everyone stop questioning anything.

“We got you back, that's all that matters okay?” Kissing her forehead was all it took for her to feel safe again.

“Now come on, we have a party to celebrate, don’t we?”

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The party couldn’t be more of a disaster. Everything went wrong, and Donna was nowhere to be found once more. She was off somewhere, without saying anything. While you didn't know where she could be, you had to take care of the guests and help bring them out of the building before it could go any further south.

Once home, You had took a seat outside the door, jacket pulled closer to your core, watching the stars align, hoping to see Donna being brought home by the Doctor. Your hands were cold, but it was a small price to pay to make sure she was okay.

Soon, a weird noise could be heard, and a blue police box came into sight, materializing in and out of existence before landing completely. At this point, nothing could be worse than an invasion of robot Santa Clauses trying to get your sister.

As the doors opened up, Donna was the first thing you saw coming out of that damned blue thing. Running as fast as you could, you took her in your arms, twirling her before putting her back on her feet. You took her face in your hands, examined her, making sure there wasn’t a scratch on her skin.

“Thank God… you’re okay…

-I’m okay… I’m fine (Y/N)

-Good god… please don’t run off with strangers again, I was so worried….” Pulling apart, you noticed the absence of the man who was supposed to marry her. “Where’s Lance?”

“He… didn’t make it…

-Oh god… I’m so sorry …

-It’s fine… he didn’t love me anyway…

-I’m not gonna say I told you so, but… Ow”

Donna had slapped you on the side, your exaggerated cry making her laugh a bit.

“There is that smile that I love!” you said while still holding your side. “Oh come on, you will find someone better than him… I know it…” You looked at her with a bright smile.

“So… gonna present me to your doctor friend over there, or is he gonna stand there doing nothing but watch us?”

As Donna turned around, the doctor was patiently waiting outside of his box, trying to look elsewhere, having been caught red-handed in his observations. Taking a few steps toward the man in question, Donna addressed him to you, crossing her arms on her chest.

“Well, I suppose, um… doctor, this is (Y/N).... She’s my sister.

-(Y/N) hm? Quite a fitting name.

-Doctor is not bad either. Better than John Smith, isn’t it?”

The doctor seemed a bit concerned. Many times he had used this alias on Earth, but today wasn’t one. How could you know? No, it couldn’t be. Probably, he was imagining it. John Smith was common, maybe a bit too much. He shouldn’t worry.

“Wait… are you telling me that it was the man running in your dreams the other night?

Donna seemed to finally break through. She was a genius in her own way; even Lance couldn’t bring it out of her.

“So it means…

-Yep…

-I’m so sorry… And to think mom sent you to all those damned therapists…”

Donna started to cry again. And the doctor still didn’t understand what was unfolding before his eyes.

“Um… excuse me, but, what is going on?

-And I thought Donna could be a thick one… You don’t remember, do you?

-Remember what?

-Paris, 1970, mid-summer, Sontaran soldiers trying to make a whole city explode.”

As you finished your sentence, the doctor’s confused face transformed into one of astonishment when it hit him.

“I promise you, I'll always come back. No matter what. Might take a few human years, but I'll always be back. No matter the life.”

That woman… Was here, alive, but with a different face. How?!

“How?!

-I told you I’ll always come back, didn’t I? No matter what, life.

-But how..?

-I was hoping someone could enlighten me on this point.”

The doctor looked excited. Mysteries were something he loved to resolve, and this one seemed to be quite big. He knew he shouldn't; Rose had just got away, but just thinking of being alone once more made him want to ask. Thinking of it, he needed someone else to go on adventures with.

“...I mean, I could lend you a hand on that.” Did the doctor finally let out.

Beside you, Donna was getting more nervous. She knew you’ve always wanted answers on what was happening to you, but she wasn’t sure she wanted you to go with the doctor. At least not after what she went through today. As your sister, she wanted you to be happy, to finally break through this mystery, maybe put an end to it so you wouldn’t have to go through it once more. She was worried to never be able to see you again.

“(Y/N), after what happened today, I’m not sure I want you to go with him… But you’ve been waiting for this your entire life. I don't want to take that away from you.

-Oh Donna… my beautiful and wonderful sister… I’ll always be there… You know it.” Caressing her cheek, you looked at her tenderly before kissing her forehead. ” I probably won’t be your sister if I disappear once again, but I won't forget, and will always find my way back to you, you can trust me.”

“I trust you, maybe not the block behind you though," she commented. It made you snort, trying to not lose the hold you had on your tears.

“One last thing before I get my answers… Donna, I know you don’t like Christmas, but I couldn't help myself from buying you a few presents. It’s not much, but I do hope they will brighten up the spirit a bit. They’re underneath my bed, in the big pink box.”

Retaining tears, Donna hugged you a final time, before letting you free.

“Tell mom that I'm off finding the truth about myself… And most importantly that I’m safe. Okay?

-Okay…

-Goodbye, Donna…”

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And so it was decided. As you entered the Blue box, your eyes glowed bright, enlightened by the colors of the console. A yellow glow bursting to life, as you stepped closer to the large column in its middle.

Machinery sounds could be heard, as the madman before you pushed a few buttons and pulled some of the levers.

“So what’s your ship called?

-She’s called the TARDIS.

-TARDIS?

-Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

-I like it. Does this mean you can go anywhere in time and space?

-Pretty much yes..

-So that leaves me a single question, what are you? 'Cause you aren’t human, that's for sure.

-I’m from the planet Gallifrey… I’m a Time Lord…

-any more particularities I should know about you?

-I’m the last of them…

-Ah…- Sorry to hear that…

-it’s nothing…”

Pouching one final lever, he he looked at you with a small smile before let it the rule of the Tardis. Always hold on to something on take off.

Taking his request into consideration, you got up to the railing, practically missing it with the violent movement of the TARDIS. Minutes later, you were back on your feet, the ship having stopped its course.

“Now tell me, how come you ended up with a new face?

-I don’t really know why, but I think I know how.

-Go ahead then… I’m curious.

-I think that, when I die, my conscience is not lost, not entirely at least. It is saved elsewhere, in another brain, a new brain and a new body. For me to be transferred, the brain needs to be brand new.

-So you need to be uploaded into something that is not really functional yet.”

The only way for it to even be possible would be for you to be reborn in a new organism at the first stage of its life. In that case, a human fetus.

“I come back as something that needs to grow once again. The only problem is that I don't immediately regain my memories. As I grow older, I access it more and more. Normally, by 20, I remember everything that has happened before.”

For her to take this much time to remember, the memories must have been flowing for a while. This made him wonder how much you got through?

“If you don’t mind me asking… for how long have you been going through this cycle?

-I won’t be able to remember the exact number. Been alive way too long.

-Can I guess the period at least?

-I mean, why not. Be my guest..”

And while guessing, the doctor had opened the doors of the TARDIS, inviting his newfound companion to sit beside him to observe a brand new nebula.

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“How about the Roman Empire?

-Nope, not even close.” Did you answer with a large smile, laughing at the eleventh failed attempt of the doctor.

“Edwardian times ?

-You already gave me that one.

-Argh… you know what, I quit, I don’t know.

-That’s surprising coming from you.

-Well, I gave everything I could.

-Sure, you can just tell me you’re tired of guessing, you know?

-Nah.. Never…” Did he say, making you laugh a bit.

He was beautiful under the starlights, looking far in the distance with that smile that made you want to trust him the first time he offered it to you. There was no denying it.

“The first life I remember ever living was in the Lower Paleolithic. So approximately 3 million years ago.

-H- what? You're older than me-

-Why so surprised? How old are you, spaceman?

-I’m Nine hundred years old… more or less.

-Only? I would have guessed a bit more…”

The doctor looked at you like you had grown a second head. You would think it would have been normal for him, but apparently, not that much.

“What? I have something on my face?” You asked while looking at the beautiful view that was gifted to you.

“Do I seem that old to you?” He seemed too offended to not laugh at the face he made. His brows crossed, mouth slightly opened, trying to understand what was just said.

“I mean…

-Now that's just wonderful- How could you call me that!” You tried to not fall as he pushed you with his elbow.

And suddenly, as you looked at each other, you started to laugh at the impossibility of the situation. For once in a long while, you had finally felt freed from the burden you carried. Finally telling someone about it without having the sensation of being crazy. Knowing you wouldn’t be judged for it.

The moment felt magical. You almost never wanted to let it go, fearing something might happen to take you away once more.

“So.. do you think you can help ?

-I might be able to run some test. Identify the energy. But if it is that old, i’m not sure to find it.

-It’s worth trying, no ?”

“It’s always is…”

#doctor who x reader #10th doctor x reader #tenth doctor x reader #the doctor x reader #donna noble x reader #noble family x reader #doctor who x imortal reader #sontarans #doctor who

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babiebom · 7 months

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When You Fall (VI)

A/N: these next two chapters are filler chapters so they will be shorter. When I said slow burn I MEANT IT. This is my first time writing something that I am trying to take slowly and develop the relationship. Please feel free to give me tips!

Tw: Clinics, talks of depression/su*cide, cursing.

Wc: 1.1k

Previous Next Masterlist

When your eyes open again you are back in Harvey's clinic. You can tell by the white of the ceiling, the smell of bleach, and how irritatingly bright the lights are. Sitting up, your head pounds painfully. For a second you have no recollection of what happened, then you remember. You got your ass beat by a sentient blob of jello.

Hearing movement outside the room, you cringe into yourself. You weren't trying to get yourself killed or hurt this time…you were at first but you weren't when you got knocked out. That had to count for something, right? Maru and Harvey wouldn't be upset would they? You weren't even friends with them, but the thought of them being disappointed in you made your stomach twist uncomfortably. You suck in a breath and wait for one or both of them to come in. They should be checking on you soon, right?

The ticking of the clock did nothing to ease your worries, and instead echoed around your brain, stirring up the thoughts as if it were kids kicking up dust, and neither did picking at the iv in your arm help anything. After a while, the sound of steadily nearing voices makes your heart jump, and despite the feeling of wanting to pretend to be asleep you stay sitting up, now staring at the wall across from the door.

The door opened softly, and the voices quieted down as they entered. You could hear one more pair of footsteps and almost believed they had called your mother before remembering what had led you to this place to begin with. You squash down a sob as whoever it is enters, seeing Harvey, Maru and the blonde guy from the Saloon.

"Ah! You’re awake!" Harvey smiled softly as he approached you, you nod offering him a watery smile. The embarrassment began its climb up your throat, making it burn. There was no hint of disappointment or judgment in the man’s eyes, yet you felt it in your soul. There was no reason for him to be nice, maybe he was happy you kept getting hurt so you had to give him money, but even that thought was stupid with how nice the man was. “Do you feel okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine…” you peer at him through your eyelashes, watching him write something on a notepad. You panic for a second, worried he was writing something on that notepad that would either change everything, or change his opinion of you. You swallow and clear your throat, staring at the wall next to his head.

“You know those stupid jello things in the caves are hard to…kill…”

Harvey looks up at you without surprise. He just smiles softly and continues writing on his notepad and it does nothing to stop your nerves. You didn’t know him well, and that meant you didn’t know how he was going to react. Knowing doctors though, they get all in your business and you didn’t want that.

“So unfortunately, you’re going to have to stay here for another night. I had to give you fluids and monitor you all night because of how badly you were beaten, as well as how exhausted you were. Your body is in no condition to do any farm work or even move around much for today. You need to heal.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What’re you writing?”

He chuckled at you, “just writing some prescriptions for when I release you tomorrow, just some antidepressants, and something to help with any pain. I’m sending the prescription to Zuzu City so they can be shipped by tomorrow or at least sometime this week.”

“Oh…” your body deflated in relief. Just some antidepressants that you weren’t going to take, good. For a minute you worried he was going to ship you off somewhere to be evaluated. The blonde guy and Maru chatted behind him, not paying attention to you until Harvey leaves the room then they approach.

Maru sighs as soon as she gets to you, her hands resting on your arms as she stares at you, her eyebrow’s furrowed. “I was so worried about you! I can’t believe you almost died!”

You force out a chuckle, allowing her to hold your arm. It seemed like she actually cared, and the blonde guy also looked somewhat worried, which was odd as he didn’t seem interested in you before. “I didn’t really mean to get hurt. Those stupid jello things overwhelmed me and when I tried to escape I guess I forgot to make sure they weren’t behind me.”

“Jello things?”

“Yeah? Down in the mines. They’re like sentient, see through, make gross squishing sounds?”

“Oh…no one really goes down into the mines except for that man that lives near us in the mountains and sometimes Clint.”

“Well, the things are little assholes and I hate them.”

“I’m glad my brother noticed that you had went in! Otherwise you would probably be dead.”

“Huh?”

The blonde guy looked sheepish, scratching the back of his head and smiling. Maru looked over at him in confusion, and you sat there confused. Her brother saw you go into the mines? “Yeah, Sebastian went down and saved you…he would’ve been here but he had to work or something. He sent me to make sure you were okay.”

You nod, mind blank with the knowledge that it wasn’t that you were lucky and somehow made it out to a place where someone had found you. Now you were embarrassed knowing the fact that some random guy you met ONCE saved your life and didn’t even stick around to make sure you were okay. You didn’t want nor need him to stick around, it just hurt a little.

“Well, thank him for me when you see him! Tell him I owe him a favor.” Sam nods in response, standing there awkwardly until he makes up an excuse to leave.

Over the next couple of hours your mind can’t help but go back to the knowledge that Sebastian saved you. Honestly, you thought that it was probably Marlon that had dragged you out of there, and you could’ve sworn that you had pressed the button to go up, but then again maybe you didn’t. The last ten minutes of you being in the mines was a little blurry.

You couldn’t even respond properly when Harvey cuts out the lights, bidding you good night before locking up the building. God, you had to clean up your act. Now that someone has had to save you, twice that is, meant that your actions were burdening others, which was something you didn’t want at all.

Hopefully those antidepressants help, otherwise actually putting effort towards recovering is going to be hell.

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mariaofdoranelle · 9 months

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Look at Us Now - ch. 16

Fic masterlist

This writer ran away because she’s too nervous to write an A/N

Warnings: language

Words: 2,5k

Aelin hadn’t slept an ink today, partially because Rowan took her sleeping pill for last night, and she brought a limited amount for this trip.

She cuddled Maisie, caressing the little girl’s back as she reminisced about what happened. Aelin’s body went stiff every time he moved in his sleep, holding her breath, trying to anticipate what would happen in this conversation that was long overdue.

Aelin liked to be private about her mental health issues, but she knew they weren’t a big deal. She wasn’t special for taking sleeping pills and antidepressants, and millions of people went through the exact same thing. Still, every time Aelin opened her mouth, she choked with the words and let them die on the back of her throat, clogging it further as the years passed by with every word she wished she’d said, but didn’t.

When Rowan’s movements went from sporadic and uncoordinated to a clear motion of him dragging his hand to scratch his eyes, Aelin’s pulse skyrocketed. She stayed frozen, unable to breathe until he turned around and gave her a faint smile.

“Morning.” Rowan’s tone was husky, and he moved closer to take a sniff at Maisie’s hair—who Aelin may or may not be using as a human shield at the moment.

“Hey.” Aelin gave him a tentative smile. “How do you feel?”

“Like I died.”

She grimaced. That was predictable, since he took sedatives he didn’t need for the first time. Aelin got up and sat on the edge of the other side of the bed, making him turn around to face her.

She held Rowan’s hand, fiddling with his knuckles and fingers. “What do you remember from last night?”

He sat up against the headboard and scratched his eyes before answering, “My mom and I were playing with Maisie, but I had a headache, probably from the sun. Then I came upstairs and… oh.” Rowan’s brows went up for a moment. “Okay, I see where you’re getting at.”

Aelin squeezed his hand, her heartbeat still fast despite his ease. “You took my sleeping pill.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that.” Rowan ran a hand through his frazzled hair, frowning. “I remember you had trouble sleeping, I just thought it was Maisie’s fault,” he mentioned how she half-lied to him about her insomnia being due to the pregnancy.

“You’re not upset I take them?” Aelin’s voice was careful, testing the waters to see how far she should go with this conversation.

“No, why would I be?” Rowan blinked, raising his eyebrows to drag his eyelids open for a second, not fully awake yet. “They’re actually quite effective. I get the appeal now.“ He sighed, looking a bit more serious now. “I just don’t get why you lied to me.”

Indeed, telling him her psych meds were headache pills wasn’t her brightest move. Aelin rubbed her hand against her forehead, trying to think of a good way to explain this, when she noticed little green eyes staring them down, Maisie’s brows wrinkled as she hid under her blankie.

Despite the unrest in the pit of Aelin’s stomach, she smiled at her daughter. “Good morning, Maisy Daisy.”

Rowan quickly picked Maisie up and put her in his lap, kissing the crown of her head. “Are you hungry?”

“Hey,” their daughter said with a hesitant tone. “Not hungry.”

“Are you sure?” Aelin wiggled her eyebrows. “I heard your grandma has chocolate cake downstairs.”

Maisie looked conflicted, chewing on her bottom lip while her eyes darted between her parents until she agreed. Aelin took the little girl’s hand and led her downstairs, leaving on a silent agreement with Rowan that he’d wait for her to come back.

“Good morning, you two,” Owen greeted, in the kitchen. If the smile he sent Aelin was soft, the one reserved for his granddaughter was absolutely mushy as he and Rory showed everything they brought from the bakery earlier today.

Maisie didn’t look like her usual self, though. Her plate still looked like a little mountain, stuffed with more food than she was capable of eating, but her expression was borderline downcast, not what Aelin expected for a morning with baked goods and her grandparents.

Aelin was putting together a small tray with two croissants and orange juice, for herself and Rowan, when she asked her daughter, “Honey, can you stay with your grandparents for a minute?” Aelin wrinkled her nose, dramatically feigning annoyance for the little girl’s sake. “Your dad and I need to talk about boring, grown-up stuff.”

“No, I want to go with you.”

Aelin snapped her head back to the little girl. “What?”

Maisie’s green eyes looked wary as she studied her mother. It was a rare thing, her being hesitant to hang out with her grandparents.

“I thought you and Daddy didn’t fight anymore.”

Her daughter’s small, concerned tone was a punch to Aelin’s gut. With all the fights, therapy and trying to make amends, she hadn’t talked about it with Maisie once. The only reason Aelin even knew the little girl was aware of it was because of her drawings and the teacher.

Truth was, Aelin wasn’t going to bring her issues with Rowan to their five-year-old daughter. But her chest felt hollow as she considered that maybe her communication with Maisie was lacking too much, making her anxious even after they were in a better place.

Aelin sat by Maisie’s side, carefully assessing the little girl’s guarded expression. “Your dad and I used to fight a lot. I bet that made you upset, huh?”

Maisie didn’t answer, just pouted with her eyes trained on her breakfast.

“I’m so sorry you saw that, Mais.” Aelin caressed the crown of her head. “But it’s okay to disagree sometimes. Remember what happens when you don’t want to stop playing before dinner?”

”I get upset.”

“And when do I get upset?”

Maisie’s expression turned sheepish. “When I yell at you.”

“That’s right.” Aelin’s tone was calm, reassuring despite the mention of her daughter’s misbehaving. “Because disagreeing is normal, what’s important is that we always respect each other.”

“But you yell at Daddy too.”

“Your father and I used to yell at each other a lot, yes.” Aelin held back a grimace, feeling her face heat when she noticed Rory and Owen both were pointedly not looking at them during her talk with Maisie. “But we realized we were wrong, apologized, and stopped it.” Aelin put a hand on the little girl’s shoulder to grab her attention further. ”Because your dad and I are friends, okay? No matter what happens, it’s never your fault, and we’ll always love you very much.”

“‘Kay.” Maisie nodded, fiddling with her spoon. “Love you too.”

“I’m going upstairs, your dad and I are not going to yell at each other, and then we’ll find you and play whatever you want. Is that okay with you?”

Maisie’s nod was solemn. “Hopscops?”

“Of course.” Aelin kissed her daughter’s forehead, grabbed her breakfast tray and excused herself from the kitchen, leaving with sympathetic looks from Rowan’s parents.

˜˜

”You’re tense.”

“I’m not,” Aelin said before chomping on her croissant. She wasn’t even hungry. In fact, Aelin felt like she could retch her breakfast any minute now. But for some reason, right now, she’d rather vomit croissant than the words stuck on her throat.

It’s not a big deal, she repeated inside her head before balking over and over again.

“You are. You’re so tense you’re making me tense too.” Rowan sipped his cup of coffee, only half aware of her anxious state. “Is this about the sleeping pills? Because I don’t mind that I took them. In fact, I don’t think I slept that well ever since Maisie was born.”

“The sleeping pills…” Aelin trailed, weighing how small those baby steps would be. “I take them with a psychiatrist.”

“Elide?”

“No, Dr. Blackbeak.” A pause. “I can see her anytime from every three weeks to every six months. It really depends on how well I’m doing.”

He frowned. “Like how well you’re sleeping?”

”Could be.” Aelin’s breaths were too shallow, her heart too fast. “But it’s mostly about how well I’m doing with my antidepressants.”

”Your…” Rowan blinked one, twice. “What?”

Aelin‘s stomach rolled, his baffled face creeped a crawling sensation on her skin. She rubbed her temple with two fingers, wondering how she should deal with his confusion. Again. If Rowan had a similar reaction from last time, she wouldn’t know what to do.

She held his face with both hands. Aelin’s voice was gentle and firm when she said, “Don’t say anything until you fully process what I’ll say, okay?” She waited until he nodded to continue, “I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in my late teens. That doesn’t mean I’m sad all the time, I’m just prone to have depressive episodes throughout my life. One of my episodes was postpartum depression, which I’m sure you know what it is.”

Rowan‘s eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but she beat him to it.

“No. Think about it, talk later.”

He silently nodded then collapsed against the headboard, his eyes growing distant as if he was watching a movie in his head. Aelin watched as Rowan’s body became unnaturally still, his aimless gaze on the wall behind her going from bewildered to haunted.

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Then Rowan muttered something incomprehensible to himself a moment later, but Aelin decided it was better to give him more time to process it. Half because of him, half because she was dreading his next words.

“Shh.” Aelin ran a finger on his bottom lip, sealing his mouth closed. “Not yet.”

But Rowan aimed his anguished green eyes towards her, his gaze so intense it rendered her speechless. He gently took her wrist off his hand.

“I failed you.”

Aelin stiffened, a sudden coldness hitting her core. “Don’t say that.”

It could look like that depending on which angle they saw it, but it isn’t how Aelin liked to think. This wasn’t the time to argue about it with him, but even if Rowan had messed up in the past, she also did her own mistakes that led to their separation before that fateful day. Lying to him, for example. She was hoping to correct this one today.

“Aelin, I—“ He motioned to caress her face, but stopped his hand in the air. Instead, he reached to squeeze her hand. “I’m so, so sorry. I can’t even—“ Rowan let out a deep, pained breath. “I should’ve been there, Aelin. I should’ve…” He rubbed both hands on his face. “I was so mad at you, but just to think you were sick, and I left you alone in that house with Maisie, I—“

“I told you to leave, Rowan.” Her voice was gentle yet firm, but it didn’t seem to soothe him in the slightest.

“I loved you.”

Time slowed down, Aelin’s muscles went numb, her core too heavy as she struggled to grasp his words.

He loved her?

Rowan cared about her back then, Aelin was sure he did, but love?

He continued, “And if I weren’t so blind, then angry too…” Rowan muttered, his voice cracking. ”I shouldn’t have left after one fight. I should’ve asked you questions, I should’ve put you before my concerns—“

“You loved me?”

Rowan nodded, his pine-green eyes having the same agonized, crumbling look from five years ago. “I still do.”

Aelin’s mouth fell open, and she felt dizzy all of a sudden. She couldn’t think, it was her pounding heartbeat and tingling skin that made her itch to touch his skin. Aelin outstretched her hand to caress his left cheek, stroking her thumb against it and—

He flinched.

She jerked away from him, confused. Rowan just told her he loved her, didn’t he? Or did she hallucinate—

It took her a few moments to grasp what happened. This didn’t look like a standing-by-your-window-and-begging-for-your-love kind of confession. Rowan’s posture was hunched, and the crease between his brows and ragged breath was a painstaking portrayal of his tormented state.

Aelin had five years to process what happened. So far, Rowan had five minutes.

It wasn’t the right time to make a romantic advance, so Aelin moved to sit next to him and hug him. However, he was the one to hold her instead.

“I should’ve been there with you, I… I won’t make the same mistake twice. I promise.” He kissed the crown of Aelin’s head, holding her as if she was his lifeline. “And if you need me, I can…” Rowan sighed, running his palm against his face. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, but I’ll do it.”

“Hey!” Aelin exclaimed, trying to lighten up the mood. “I’m a big girl, okay? I can take care of myself. I just wanted you to know.”

“I know you can, it’s just…” he trailed, crumbling against the headboard. “How did you handle things? When Maisie was little.”

“Littler, you mean? Is that even a word?”

Rowan squeezed her hand. “Tell me.”

“Shared custody broke my heart, but it allowed me to have time for myself.” Aelin closed her eyes, supporting her head against his shoulder as a bittersweet feeling took over her. “Turns out my family got so overbearing after you left the house, their assistance almost made me lose my mind.” Aelin snorted, overwhelmed with memories of her fussy family. “Dorian was there almost every weekday, even after Fenrys moved into his house.”

“And how about you?”

“Healing was a… painfully slow process, but I was in a really good place when Maisie was a toddler.”

“Really?” Rowan sounded almost like himself now, his tone close to a tease. “I’m pretty sure my job only got harder when Maisie learned how to speak.”

She laughed at his snarky comment, her chest filling with warmth. Parenting such an argumentative little girl wasn’t an easy job indeed, but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Aelin didn’t know if her reveal was a success or not. Rowan was understanding, yes, which she was grateful for, but she didn’t expect him to feel guilt. To be honest, she didn’t want him to feel bad about it at all. Aelin just wanted to forget about that whole thing and move forward with him.

“And how did you get to see Yrene every week?” Rowan frowned. “I can’t imagine going to her office every week when Maisie was a baby.”

“I was seeing Nesryn back then, Yrene’s kind of a recent addition. And I had online sessions.”

“Oh.” Rowan’s brows went up. “I forgot that was an option.”

Aelin chuckled and snuggled him further. Whereas she hadn’t forgotten about her promise to play hopscotch with Maisie, right now, Aelin just wanted to hold Rowan in bed and answer the million questions he had.

You can get notified when I update by either turning notifications on for @backtobl4ck-fics or entering my (sometimes glitchy) tag list!!

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#rowaelin #rowan whitethorn #throne of glass #rowaelin fanfiction #rowan x aelin #aelin x rowan #look at us now #aelin ashryver galathynius #rowaelin fanfic #throne of glass fanfic

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raesoreos · 1 year

Text

Promise | itoshi sae

sae itoshi x f! reader

warning: angst with no happy ending, ooc! Sae, sick! reader, reader has a fatal disease, angst no comfort ( a bit?)

———————————————————————

“I’m sorry but Ms. y/n Itoshi is diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease”

Sae’s eyes widen at the doctor’s statement. It is a rare disease. No wonder why you keep forgetting almost everything, your personality keep changing and have abnormal changes in you.

“so how can we treat her disease doctor?” Sae asked the doctor in front of him and glanced at your figure on the bed

“We currently have no cure for the disease but the least we can do is treat her with antidepressants to help with her anxiety and painkillers to relieve her pain” the doctor explained

“-but i hope you can stay with her till the end of her life because people who got infected died within a year” the doctor added

Sae was shocked. He doesn’t want to lose anyone he loves. Not you. He didn’t want to cry in front of the doctor. He was holding back his tears.

He wanted to cherish this time with you, taking a break from his job being a professional soccer player.

All this for your sake.

——————————————————————

“ I don’t remember who i am, Sae. Do you even know me?”

You sat on the hospital bed. You got warded. You can’t understand what the doctor’s saying. But he clearly said that you had to stay in this hospital for a year and after that you can freely go anywhere that you like

“Yes, in fact , i knew you very well. You’re the loveliest person i’ve ever knew in my life. You’re also my responsibility “ Sae replied and he fed you some pancakes with maple syrup with a plastic fork

“Say aah”

Sae’s lips formed an O and you mimicked his gesture, he then brought the pancakes to your mouth and Sae’s expression softened when he saw your expression after he fed you with pancakes.

“ IT WASH DELISHUS FEED ME MORE”

Your eyes shine and Sae giggled at your demeanor. He thought that you look so cute when you eat your favourite food.

Although he was kinda sad because for you, it will always be the first time you taste pancakes

—————————————————————

“ Sae why are you here all the time? Aren’t you tired of me?”

He knew this side of you very well. The personality where you always feel down and unappreciated. You’re feeling like everyone’s hating on you, including Sae.

“ You’re my priority y/n. I will always be here for you. I will do anything for you. Without you, this world is nothing to me”

Sae gets close to you and hugged you, managed to calm your feelings down

You never knew why everytime Sae was here, you always feel safe. You always feel appreciated. You always feel like he is your savior. But you still have a question.

“Who is y/n?” you asked

Sae widen his eyes, breaking away from the hug slowly, caress your soft cheeks gently

“You, or should I say the love of my life ?”

You smiled at his statement. Why do you keep forgetting almost everything these daysbit never forget about him.

“I hope that we can fight my disease together. So we can be free from this place and travel anywhere together” you said while smiling at him

He wished for that. He wanted that so bad. But he couldn’t make it happen. You almost broke him down to tears.

“I really wanted to do that. I hope we can still be together till the very end” He said

————————————————————————-

Sae looked outside the hospital window, seeing the moon

“The moon looks beautiful today. Don’t you think so too y/n ?” Sae glanced at your sleeping figure

You’re still pretty just like the first time he met you

He went to your bed and admiring your flawless features while you’re sleeping

He smiled.

“But you’re more beautiful than the moon and I am glad to meet you” He said and after that, he went asleep beside you while holding your hand.

————————————————————————-

You saw Sae arrived at your ward with a big bouquet of flowers.

“Ta- da ! Look what i have for you “

He brought you your favourite flowers, red roses

“WAAA IT LOOKS SO LOVELY SAE !“ you said happily. He managed to capture some photos of you with the bouquet and even a selfie with you.

He looked at the picture. He was so happy and thought he was lucky to have you as his significant other

He put the flowers in a vase, grabs a rose and gave it to you

You inhaled the scent. It smelled lovely. He thinks so too. He glad that he bought these for you

It was your favoirite after all

Not to mention that the roses reminds him of you.

————————————————————————-

“Don’t go please”

“HANG ON ME Y/N”

“NO DONT LEAVE ME”

He shook your body numerous times but you didn’t even flinch from his actions. Your heartbeat and your pulse stopped. He broke down and crying. He tried to wake you up.

“PLEASE WAKE UP Y/N PLEASE”

but still, you didn’t respond

His body started to shake. He wished it was a dream

But what if it wasn’t ?

Sae woke up from the nightmare.

“Hey u-uh Sai?”

Sae was shocked. He glanced the figure in front of him. Did you leave him?

“Hey y/n. It’s Sae by the way. Is there anything you need” Sae asked. Did you forget about him? But thank god, he was relieved that it was only a dream. A bad dream.

“You look like you had a bad dream. Do you need a hug?”

Sae’s eyes watered. He hugged your figure and

his tears stained your hospital gown

“It’s fine. I’m here” you whispered

He hugged you tightly and carefully. As if you’re fragile person

“ I dreamt that you leave me alone in this world. I don’t want that to happen”

He cried. You rubbed his back and your gestures managed to soothen him a bit. Only for him to fall asleep in your arms

“You’re such a kid Sae. I would never leave you”

————————————————————————-

You find yourself becoming weak, you can’t see anything.

Your vision darkened. You can’t see anything. Not even Sae

“SAE PLEASE HELP ME I CANT SEE ANYTHING OH MY GOD!” you screamed for his help and you touched your eyes. You can feel the salty water came out from your eyes.

The nurse barged in to your room, called the doctor and examined your current state

Sae went to your ward after he finished making your favourite dessert, green tea mochis.

Only to discover that the doctor was examined your health. And he saw you in a depressed state. His happy expression turned into a worried one

Sae fastened his pace to your bed, asked the doctor a quick question

“Is there anything happened to her doctor?”

“Unfortunately yes. She lost her sight. At this point, we can’t do anything. I’m sorry Mr. Itoshi”

He was standing there horrified, he quickly went to your figure on the bed.

“ Y/n ?”

“Sae?”

He quickly hugged you. He doesn’t want you to forget his face. It was selfish but he doesn’t want the love of his life forgetting him.

“You’re safe with me now” Sae comforted y/n by rubbing her back

You broke the hug.

“i smelled something good” you said

“i brought some mochis” you smiled. You still look angelic. He thought. He doesn’t want this to end. Although it costs him his job, he would do anything for you

His thought quickly got brushed off when you caressed his face

“I don’t want to forget your face Sae. Your features are perfect. Although I can’t see but I always believe that you are a beautiful guy inside out” You beat him to it.

He was so happy as he hugged you back

“I promise that we will get out from this place as soon as possible” You said

————————————————————————-

The promise turned into a lie.

He went to your ward, only to discover a broken vase on the floor with wilted roses.

And an empty bed.

He stood there. He was devastated. It was devastating.

Where are you?

This should be a joke right?

He heard footsteps from behind

“Mr. Itoshi”

Sae’s eyes widen and looked at the doctor who was in charge of you. He knew he’s gonna tell him bad news.

“Ms. Itoshi (y/n) passed away just now”

His world fell apart. It feels like he lost a part of him. As if he was being cut into two. It was hurt

It was painful

Sae didn’t manage to do anything

He only could feel the bereavement took over his body. No words can describe his current feelings.

He went home. To his shared apartment with you while having a breakdown for the whole week.

He can’t believe he lost you

His love

His world

He wasn’t the same anymore.

He realized how he truly had loved you

————————————————————————

Sae heard a knock on his apartment’s door

“Sae I know you’re in there OPEN THE DOOR FOR FUCK’S SAKE” he heard a yelling alongside some loud knocks on his door

he knew that voice

It was Rin

Sae opened the door. Rin entered his apartment. He was shocked seeing Sae’s state. He looks like he didn’t manage himself. He fell into a state of melancholy after your death

Rin opened his mouth

“You didn’t answer my calls. “ Sae glanced at his phone that has ran out of battery.

Rin sighed

“ Why didn’t you go to y/n’s funeral?“

“ I don’t want to.”

Rin was mad. He grabbed Sae by the collar.

“ SHE IS YOUR WIFE SAE. SHE IS YOUR WIFE. IT WAS HER FUNERAL. WHAT WOULD PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU SAE?” Rin shouted at him

“shut up rin”

“what the fuck-“

“SHUT UP YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL”

Rin saw the droplets fall to the marble tile. He glanced at Sae’s expression

He was crying.

“it was her funeral nii-chan. why won’t you-“

“ y/n wouldn’t want to see you like this”

“i dont want-“ Sae stuttered

“ I iust don’t want my last memory of mine about her is me seeing her lifeless body being buried to the ground. I wanted my last memory about her is us being happy in each other’s arms“

#blue lock #sae itoshi #blue lock sae itoshi #itoshi sae #blue lock angst #bllk angst #bllk x reader #sae x reader #itoshi rin #rin itoshi #sae itoshi angst #itoshi sae angst #sae angst

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21aurora · 8 months

Text

Never forget | operation true love x reader

Summary: what if eunhyeok met his childhood love again!

Notes : depressed reader , can't remember eunhyeok after her trauma ( her mother's death ) .

Chapter 2

Chapter 1:

Eunhyeok Pov

It was the second week of the semester beginning, I arrived the school lately , but I luckily escaped form the punishment.

I entered the class 2-3 specifically, I sat in my seat at the back of the row , the teacher had not entered , I put on my earphone that was partially disconnected me from the noise around me.

It was already somewhat sunny day. I was optimistic that today could be a calm and enjoyable day.

The teacher entered after about ten minutes. It became quiet in the class and everyone sat in their seats. I started to take off my earphone and then took out my books. I was not looking when the teacher spoke, but it was clear that a A new student moved to our school specifically for our class.

I was busy with my bag when I heard the teacher say " this is y/n , your new classmate, and she will be attending this class from now on " .

I raised my eyes to meet the new girl's eyes, wait what! Y/N! The same that I know ! After all that time!

Y/n pov

After the teacher introduced me to my new classmates, he asked me to sit down, I sat on an empty seat next to a cute girl named Su Ae. The class passed peacefully. This was the math class. For me , it is the most complicated thing ever , but I did my best to focus .

Classes passed like this, class after class, and I just try to focus on understanding what the teachers are trying to explain. Of course, my focus gets distracted easily. During this period, I find it difficult even to sleep if it were not for the hypnotics I take. I was never able to sleep even for an hour.

Of course, after more than two hours trying to focus, I could only put my head on the table out of exhaustion.

Omg, even listening exhausts me. Finally the break bell rang. And I was the first person out of class. I was looking for the bathroom. I need to take my antidepressant pills , I took my medication and examined my face in the mirror.

Surly, the dark circles under my eyes are clear, and I look tired. I just tried to put on a lip gloss to add some vitality to my dull look. I smile and encourage myself that I can do it.

I went to buy something to drink, and something to eat. I haven't eaten anything since last night, and then I headed to class.

The first thing I noticed was Su Ae on the floor. I rushed to her, "Are you okay?" I tried to help her get up and make sure she was okay. "Thank you, I'm fine, just tell him to bring his notebook " she replied. She pointed to a boy at the end of the class wearing earphones and studying.

I collected the notebooks with her that had fallen from her ,then I headed to the boy who was studying.

"Excuse me, can you bring your notebook?" He didn't notice me, as I expected, I repeated it, patting him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, can you bring your notebook?"

He took off his headphones immediately, and looked at me for a few seconds. His expression was strange. He didn't say anything until I pointed to the notebook . At that time, he said, "Yes, yes, of course," with noticeable tension in his voice, then handed me the notebook while looking into my eyes. As if he was piercing my soul, I smiled at him and left .

I'm not lying, but he was a handsome boy, and I knew later that he was called go eunhyeok .

Something inside me was telling me that we met before when and where I can't remember .

I went to Su ae, and carried the notebooks with her to the teacher's office. She was really a nice girl, and we talked a lot. I liked talking with her , even though we only met a few minutes ago, and it seemed like it was mutual thing . We even exchanged numbers, I think this is the beginning of a good friendship.

On the second day, I went to school, headed to the classroom, and met Su Ae. She was silent, "Hi, how are you?" She was distracted, "Hi" and I waved at her to pay attention to me. " What is the matter ? " .

She pointed at something with her hand I looked at her, trying to understand what she was trying to explain. " did you buy a jelly pop phone ? "

" no , I found it in my locker. Looks like someone is watching me and taking pictures of me" She said "why would someone do that" She shook her head indicating she didn't know. I calmed her down and told her it would come out with time.

Su Ae decides to get rid of the phone because of the annoying messages that appear to her about her love life with her boyfriend, Minu . About How much he ignores her and does not seem to love her. I don't know but apparently the person spying on her knows a lot about her.

Class started, but we were interrupted by a ringing phone " who didn't give out their cell phone " heard the teacher say . One of the students get up and Headed to the locker where's the phone ranging to get it as ordered by the teacher.

Jelly pop ! In su ae locker again ! Didn't she get rid of it . I looked at her and she did the same .

" Is it go eunhyeok's ? " the student said

" No it's not mine , mine is here " go eunhyeok replied . Then showed his phone .

Then the teacher got the phones from them.

••••••

" so You're telling me now that Eunhyeok is doing all this . He is spying on you, right ? " I said . " Yes , This is obvious, you didn't see how he was dealing with me after I took the phone from the teacher." ...."This is weird , but forget it now, we have class , let's go "

•••••

Now we are in the gymnasium, we are divided into teams by lottery, I got number 18 as did Su Ae.

I was happy about it because she is my only friend here, and we also waited for someone with the same number. For sure su ae wished to be the same team with min woo , actually who was flirting with another girl now , omg .

" Did you get 18 ? " , I looked to the person who was talking , it's go eunhyeok . " Yes , me and su ae too " .

" So what's the plan you have ? " He said . " Simple or hard ? "

Su ae " simple "

We heard minu say loudly" kill it hard , to the legs " pointed to us , dude she is your girlfriend ,how could you ?

" Don't get killed , just stay focused and try to avoid the balls " go eunhyeok said to me , I noded . And before I say anything the balls comes from everywhere , I felt like he was trying to protect me with his body and catch most of the balls off me. The three of us get hitted by lots of balls.

I heard minu saying to one of the students " give me this ball I will finish it ".

Wait you gonna hit su ae , I stood in front of her and took the hit instead of her. The ball hit me rapidly . My head hit the ground roughly and I didn't feel anything after that. And I passed out.

_________________________________________

Author's note : hey guys , thanks if you read till the end , I'd love to know your opinion, tell me if you're waiting chapter 2 and if you wanna me add you on tags

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sirianasims · 5 months

Text

Chapter 26

Love Me Anyway

“Welcome back, Eric, doctor Holland is ready to see you.”

“Thank you, mr. Holland.”

“Hello, Eric. How have you been doing since last time? You’re still staying sober?”

“Yeah. I think I’m doing pretty well, actually. I mean, it’s still rough sometimes, but I mostly struggle when I’m alone for too long. And my neighbours check up on me regularly and invite me over for dinner, and my parents call me at least twice a week.”

“That’s good. And the antidepressants seem to be working too – do you want to try lowering the dose a little?”

“I don’t know… actually, no. It doesn’t feel… safe. Not yet. I really don’t want to relapse.”

“Understandable. We won’t touch them yet, then. How’s your daughter?”

“Oh, Freya’s great! She’s doing well in school, she plays football and basketball and wants to go back to Mt. Komorebi so she can snowboard again. But the best thing is, I just finished renovating the house – and she got a new bedroom!”

“Her mother and I finally agreed that I’m doing well enough that she’s comfortable with Freya living with me every other weekend.”

“That’s wonderful news, Eric! I’m happy for you. You deserve it, you’ve worked very hard in the last year. What about your job then?”

“Well, I’m still running the clinic alone, and it’s hard, but it also means I’m too exhausted to lie awake for too long at night, so I guess that’s positive. I’m still debating whether to hire a nurse or a vet. But I promise that it will be a man either way.”

“Good. I don’t usually approve of hiring someone based on gender, but I don’t think it’s wise for you to be working too closely with women just yet. You still have some work to do.”

“I know. It gets lonely, though. I mean, I haven’t… been intimate with anyone for almost a year now. Not since the vacation to Mt. Komorebi.”

“I know. And I’m no stranger to mixing love and work – after all, my husband is my receptionist. But until you’ve dealt with your tendency to use sex as a distraction, I think it’s better this way. Have you given some thought to what we talked about last time, about figuring out what you really want?”

“I’m trying. It’s just… I thought I already knew, right? I had everything planned out since I was a teenager, so there was never any doubt or insecurity to deal with. And then I met Katherine and suddenly my carefully planned future looked completely impossible. I felt lost.”

“You were still able to graduate and start a vet clinic, though. That was part of your plan, right?”

“Yes, but it just didn’t… quite live up to my expectations, I guess? My plans hadn’t involved Freya or her mother at all, so everything felt wrong. And I couldn’t even bond with my daughter at first, it was horrible. I didn’t know how to deal with it, I just tried to escape it all like a coward.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Eric. You were only 23, you had a lot to deal with, and postpartum depression in men is woefully under-diagnosed, I’m afraid. But now that you’re doing better, what are your long-term goals? What do you want out of life? What about finding love?”

“Love?”

“Yes, love! I’m not going to force you to be celibate forever, Eric. So what do you want? Do you want to fall in love? Do you want to get married? Have more children?”

“I… yes? I think I do. I’ve just tried not to think about it, not since – I had an ex once, we really had something special but we broke up when we went to different universities. Then one day she came into my clinic, and I remembered how I always wanted to find true love and get married and all that. But I’d just had Freya at the time, and… things turned out differently.”

“Eric, listen. You’re what, 31 now? Take it from me, I’m twice your age, and your life is far from over. You have plenty of time to fall in love again, get married, have as many children as you want.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Well, that’s all for today, Eric. Keep working on your goals. I’ll see you in two weeks, and remember – no women, no booze.”

“No women, no booze. Thanks, doctor Holland.”

“Same time in two weeks, Eric?”

“That’d be great, mr. Holland. Thank you.”

I left feeling strange. I often felt relieved or exhausted after a therapy session, but this time I felt… excited? Scared? Maybe a bit of both. I hadn’t allowed myself to even consider getting into a relationship for a long time.

Was I even able to fall in love? I loved my parents and my daughter, but I couldn’t even imagine romantic love any longer.

beginning / previous / next

#duchellilegacy #duchellichapters #duchelligen3 #eric duchelli #freya duchelli #this boy needs so much therapy #like so much

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ezrasipad · 5 months

Text

Laurel’s Letter to Lawrence

Wrote this at 3am high, I don’t know what the purpose of this was, I’m going to bed now.

You don’t know what happened after you left, why would you know? it’s not like you even bothered to keep in touch you didn’t even bother to say goodbye. I still remember it, your rot still clings to the walls of this cursed house to this day. It would be sin to forget you when I breathe in the spores you left behind, maybe that was your parting gift. I couldn’t even call you to see if you were okay because you never picked up. Where the fuck were you Lawrence? I had to stay home to take care of mother and you never visited…She died holding one of your old dried flower bouquets you made for her when you were a kid, I know she wasn’t always kind to you but she loved you. I never ended up moving, father left us and Lily is somewhere traveling the world. I never got rid of the things you left behind in case you came back. I guess this is very typical of you, avoiding everyone because you’re always caught up in that big head of yours. You can’t possibly be Lawrence, you replaced my big brother and became so cruel, even to me that is not the Lawrence I knew. I think about the times you used to pick poppy flowers and put them in my brunette hair, the thorns used to make my scalp burn and mother would scold you for hurting me but I was okay with it because of how much you loved them, I would wear a thousand poppies in my hair if it meant seeing you smile again. Did you even know I never cut my hair again, it’s all brown again you probably wouldn’t recognize me as your sister anymore if it weren’t for the fake poppies I keep in my hair, I look similar to that of a walking corpse. I know you were trying to leave our parents behind but you didn’t have to leave me behind too you know. That night, when you left, I ran after that train like a madman, begging for the wind to pick up my feet at even the slither of a chance I'd be able to hold you back, you must think of me as selfish. I miss you and I hate you more than anything in this life, I swear it. Did you know after you left, Lily threw a celebration party? She was over the moon with joy with you gone but I can’t say the same. I laid in your bed grieving, not eating nor sleeping. I was in and out of hospitals, I had a feeding tube implanted in me for 6 months and doctors prescribed me countless antidepressants. Maybe if we picked more poppy flowers together you wouldn’t have left and everything would’ve been okay and nothing had to change. It’s been 15 years since you left and I’m still on those fucking antidepressants, I decided to flush them down the toilet today after seeing your face on the news. You’re a prime leading suspect in over hundreds of missing people, please tell me that can’t be true. They’ve got your shithole of an apartment all over the news. I decided to check out the nearby forest by your apartment alone, you’re very predictable. I followed you in but it seems I was too late. I wish I could’ve reunited with you when you were still human.

#lawrence oleander #laurel oleander #gatobob #boyfriend to death #btd2 #btd lawrence #btdgame #lawrenceoleander #btd #writing

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pleaseeeimjustagirl · 5 months

Text

♡Weekly Chronicles♡

December 15,2023

Hey babes! This week was amazing I am so happy I have created this blog I love being a blogger. I've wanted to create one for yearssss but I never got the time to do it and didn't know what to base my blog on. I love seeing other girlies on the same journey of self-improvement<3.

♡Education♡

The semester is officially over for me on Saturday I am so excited I need this break because school in general can be so stressful and I need this time to relax and pour into myself more I'll probably be uploading here more frequently while on break.

♡Mental♡

I started antidepressants a little over a month ago and have been loving my journey on them my mind is clearer and I don't feel that little gray cloud following me anymore. I am present and not constantly worrying about others and things that I can't control. This is my first time using medication to finally have control over my mental health. Other than that my mental health has been so good. If you deal with seasonal depression you got this girl it's tough. Trust me I get it I've dealt with seasonal depression and anxiety for years and my inbox is always open for a chat but I ask before you tell me your problems ask how I'm feeling in the moment <3

♡Physical♡

I have been super consistent with my diet! Eating clean and working out every day I have been lifting 3 times a week. I didn't get to lift today because I am currently at work while typing this lol but I will make up for it by lifting tomorrow. I am currently fasting trying to make up fasts from Ramadan before Ramadan comes around again in March and I'm not going to lieeee it has been helping me look extra snatched now! Like I woke up looking in the mirror like yesss but fasting has so many benefits besides keeping you snatched it helps a lot internally as well. I recently ordered some items for my gut health journey and it's at the post office so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow super excited! This is unrelated but last night I didn't want to get out of bed to do my nightly skincare routine but I forced myself to remember my goals so I'm proud of that.

♡Hobbies♡

I have been consistent with my Italian lessons on Duolingo which I highlyyyy recommend for anyone trying to learn a new language the way its set up is perfect for me with the colors and drawing it feels like a game to me lol. I haven't been reading like I was supposed to I think I only read 2 times this week that’s super baddd I need to stay on top of it. I have been blogging consistently and I love seeing you girlies reflagging and hearting my content it means a lot and I def need to do a Q&A I’ll drop one next week for sure. I want to invest in soap making as a new hobby for me it looks like so much fun!

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

I have a trip coming up next week I'm going to Maryland for a convention with a couple of friends from the 23 to the 27. I am super excited it's going to be so much fun. So this weekend I'm getting a lot of things together. I have to look for a few of my outfits for my trip and I'm waiting for my shoes to come. Also, I have my final this Saturday and an appointment with my OBGYN ladies don’t forget to book appointments for your check-ups your inner health is super important please take care of yourselves!

This was this week's little journal entrieee not that much occurs in my life but I still love the little update I gave you ladiesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?

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vxm1tcxre · 24 days

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Lemme take a moment to deromanticize 3ds, if you don’t mind.

I have severe bul1m14. for years now, I have been trying to quit bping, only to get progressively worse as time has gone on- to the point where I get lucky if I make it through a single day without binging and pvrging once. On bad days, I will do so up to 5 times. Hell, I even have ever-so-slight bruising on my knees from spending so much time kneeling in front of bags and toilets, among countless other symptoms and places where my 3d has left it’s ugly mark.

Today was my birthday party. A celebration of my life. I had friends over. We visited a fun place in my city. They gave me gifts and we played games.

And did I get to enjoy it? Did I get to have fun with my friends and appreciate spending time with the people I love? Was it a good day? Will I remember it as such?

Of course not.

Like clockwork, I b1ng3d on the pizza and cupcakes my mom bought for me and my friends. I have consumed approximately 4800+ c4lories in a single day.

I have spent the last three hours after my friends went home locked in my room, trying to pvrge, but since I have abused my body so much, my gag reflex barely works. All I managed was to cough and choke up thick, viscous mucus and tiny chunks of pizza crust.

I am so full I can’t move without excruciating pain. I swear I can feel my bloated stomach pressing against my ribs, pushing them out. It feels like I’m about to explode. I want nothing more than to v0m1t- not only because I fear the weight gain, barely at this point. But because I am in such excruciating, unbearable pain and I just want this alien invader of carbs and sugar out of my damn body.

I have shoved an extension cord, the eraser end of a pencil, and the dirty toothbrush with bite marks on the handle from exclusively using it as my tool to pvrge because my fingers no longer suffice as far as they can possibly go down my throat to try and get some relief. Nothing.

I swallowed 3 heaping spoonfuls of baking soda and chugged seltzer water to try and give myself sodium poisoning.

I swallowed about 8 of my adhd pills and whatever antidepressants I had left, hoping they’d make me sick and push the food out of my stomach.

Nothing has worked. I am sitting in my bathroom, because I can’t lie down without acid flooding my esophagus, and praying that my stomach doesn’t burst open from the sheer volume of food I’ve shoved inside myself, begging the universe to not let me die.

I don’t want to die curled on the bathroom floor around my horrendously distended stomach, next to the scale I’m terrified to have to step on tomorrow morning. I don’t want my heartbroken parents to look through my things after I’m gone and find the bags of cold, rotten v0m1t hidden around my room.

Today was my fucking birthday party.

And instead of looking back fondly at this day, looking forward for things to come, I’m crying on my bathroom floor because I’m so fucking f4t and in so much pain I wish I could just sl1c3 my stomach open to remove a single ounce of the pressure against my insides.

But I can’t.

It will never stop.

I will never be able to enjoy days like these.

#skinandbonesfightback #skin&🩻#m14blr #anna rex #trans ana #tw eedee descussion #bullemya #im fat and disgusting #💡as a 🪶#actually bul1m1c #m34n$p0 #th11n$p0 #skin&bones #skinand🩻fightback #sk1n&🩻#skin&🦴fightback #trans ed #bully mia #th1np0

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rotten-downer · 4 months

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Remembering that before I stopped taking my antidepressants, I would always refer to taking them as taking my Joy. My mom would just ask me if I took my Joy today. It was wonderful.

#horus rambles #tw drugs #antidepressants #we happy few #whf

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copperbadge · 2 years

Note

Hi Sam! If you're comfortable, I would definitely be interested in hearing about your upcoming experience with Adderall as an adult taking it for the first time. I'm 30 and will be inquiring about an ADHD diagnosis later this month, but Adderall scares me a little (probably unfounded, I've just never taken any kind of psych med or non-allergy daily med, and if I forget my allergy meds I just get a nasty headache and nothing more) and everyone I asked about their experience is under 25 and has been taking it for many years. I'm really interested to see how you feel while taking it, if you're willing to share 💙

I've had quite a few requests like this so I'm definitely going to keep talking about it when there's anything to talk about, under the Sam Has ADHD tag. :)

FWIW, this is my first experience with a drug like this, which affects brain chemistry -- the only other comparable experience I’ve had is weed, and I’ve never been an especially heavy user of that either. Never took antidepressants, mood stabilizers, sedatives, anything like that, so I’m in much the same position you are, although I have taken daily medication for other health issues before.

10mg of Adderall, which is a pretty low dose, clearly had an effect, which is good; the recommendation was twice daily, five or six hours apart depending on how I feel, on an empty stomach, so I took it at 5am before breakfast and again at noon before lunch. I had...a real weird evening, because while I wasn't doing a ton more than usual I did end up somehow staying up until around 10pm, which for me is very late, without really noticing. So today I thought I'd try just a single dose that would see me through the majority of the workday, and took 10mg at 6:30am after having eaten breakfast at 4am.

It kicked in yesterday right at the half-hour mark after taking, but this morning after half an hour I thought perhaps not taking it on a totally empty stomach had fucked with my ability to absorb the dose.

But then around 7:15 I cleaned out my front hall closet.

That wasn't something I'd been planning on and did give me a very "opening sequence of The Salton Sea" moment (the movie opens, after a brief history of meth, in a party house where among other things two women on speed are frantically organizing a sock drawer). Still, it did need doing, and now there's space to install some boxes to keep my winter sweaters. Which means my reward this evening is a trip to Container Store. And also a puzzle I get to do which I found while cleaning out the closet.

I am clearly going to have to learn to aim my new ability to focus, since unless I make a deliberate decision I just appear to pick Something To Do and do it, but that's a calibration issue and I’m pretty sure I can master it as long as I remember it exists.

The sensation is a little odd because after about an hour I can definitely tell my brain is working differently. It's kind of like being high, there's that same sense of calm, but my thoughts feel clear instead of clouded the way THC affects them. And things just get easier, like I'll think "Oh, I need to throw out that empty shampoo bottle" and instead of pretending I'll remember to do it after the shower, I just reach into the shower and pick it up and throw it out. I have done so many dishes in the last 24 hours, you guys. And right on the dot, at five and a half hours after taking it, I could feel my brain whirr to a stop.

Anyway it is rather validating to be reacting to a drug in the way I'm meant to, because I did get the distinct impression from the evaluation clinic that they felt my ADHD was too mild to require treatment. I don't actually feel high, or manic, or even really very different. I just do more stuff. Like someone tightened two or three screws in my brain and the gears no longer misalign as often. At least for five hours or so. :D

#sam has adhd

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desifleabag · 9 months

Text

I am shedding skin

Hey there, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well. Remember to take care of yourself – eat right, get enough sleep, and maybe even give yourself a little pep talk in the mirror (even if it's a bit tongue-in-cheek). I'm all about that lighthearted, progressive humour! But jokes aside, I genuinely wish you the best.

Today's blog is a bit different. Let's imagine we randomly met up in a bustling city. Picture us sitting down with our chai or coffee, just having a real talk about our lives. So, get comfy in your chair – figuratively speaking, of course.

I used to be that child who disliked her childhood while idealising the idea of growing up into an adult who could earn money, own a house, and achieve all her dreams. It was as if I envisioned a gleaming castle but had no idea how to attain it. At times, I find myself wishing I could sit down with my 10-year-old self and tell her, "It's alright to dislike being a kid because you feel confined and powerless under the expectations of others in your life. Childhood dreams and aspirations are like ice cream – they seem like they'll last forever, but they eventually melt away. You believe that children's boundless and creative energy often goes unrecognised and is simply labelled as “young blood”,' isn't that right? I hear you and I understand. However, living an adult life comes with both the depths of loneliness and the dazzling heights of success. I comprehend that." Throughout my life, I've carried this perspective, and now, as an adult, the image of that castle fills me with anxiety. I'm afraid of the possibility of being crushed under the weight of the glass and the gleaming castle. The never ending “ what ifs' ' never left my hand and I think I also didn't leave because it gave me a sense of self control.

Lately, things haven't been going so smoothly for me. I mean, my mental and physical health are both kind of shaky. I've been going to therapy for about two years now, and it's been a wild ride. Some days, I feel like I'm making progress and getting better, but on other days, I'm my own worst critic. Still, I'm trying my darndest to do more than just get by – I want to really live life.

The thing is, therapy isn't cutting it like it used to. So, my therapist thinks it's a good idea for me to see a psychiatrist for some extra help.For a brief moment, I felt a bit lost, wondering how I was supposed to handle this situation on my own since I didn't have any friends who could accompany me to my psychiatrist appointment. Despite my worries, I decided to go by myself. I went to the appointment, sat down, and talked about my struggles. The outcome of our conversation was the revelation that I was dealing with clinical depression and anxiety. It hit me hard and left me feeling devastated, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness washing over me. However, I made up my mind to take responsibility for my health. I realised that I needed to step up and take care of myself. The psychiatrist prescribed some antidepressants to help improve my mood. Following the appointment, a wave of unease swept over me. I began to fear that my parents wouldn't fully understand what I was going through. I also recognized that my friends couldn't accompany me to these appointments. It was quite a transformation for someone who used to be afraid of the dark and travelling alone – now, I was facing these challenges head-on and prioritising my well-being.

I won't sugarcoat it – these days, being a 20-year-old adult can feel incredibly isolating, even when you're surrounded by people. There's a daunting aspect to being alone, and taking on the responsibility and maturity is no easy feat. Lately, the loneliness I feel amid my pain and struggles has taken a toll on my health. I can sense my smile fading day by day. The desire to continue living feels like an overwhelming burden.This is what most of your adult life you are helpless, hopeless. Lonely, aimless, hanging there in ups and downs of your health with the bigger picture of your life in your hands like you are trying so hard to handle the weight of that picture that it impacts your health and your life too.

As an adult, people will often tell you to love yourself. My idea of self-love has changed a lot. It used to be about liking every part of my body, but now it's more about being my own source of strength when things are tough. I've learned that I need to be okay with all parts of my life, especially because life didn't come with instructions. I've had to face uncertainties to figure out who I am, and I've realised that being kind to myself and finding peace are really important. But even if you read and learn a lot about self-love, there will still be days when you cry because of things that hurt you, whether they're things from the past or things you're still dealing with. You'll want someone to give you a hug, and you'll imagine the best things happening with them. You might even doubt yourself sometimes. Because the truth is, sometimes loving yourself is ugly .Yes, it's a bitter truth I learned in my life.

While I was flipping through pages of my journal. I wrote down a poem “ I took care of myself and it wasn't pretty” I read on the internet which was written by Schuyler Peck in her book called "The greatest act of self love isn't always pretty.

I took care of myself

And looked at the overdue bills in the face

Even though it hurt

I took care of myself

And cried ugly through the therapy sessions

Made another appointment for next week

I put in the work and wrote all the bad memories in detail

I apologised to all the friends

I didn't have the energy to talk to

I finally cut off all my dead ends and bought produce

Slimly avoided sustaining myself

On barbecue chips and poetry

I recycled

I set an alarm for 8 hours of sleep

And did not sleep more or less

I took care of myself and it wasn't bubble baths

It wasn't lotion at bath and bodyworks

And three cheese pizza

It was uncomfortable

It wasn't beautiful

But i am

And it didn't have to be beautiful

To be worth it

During my journey of healing and therapy, a significant realisation dawned on me, leading to a profound conversation with a woman I met at a book café recently. This exchange triggered a cascade of thoughts within me. I recognized that my outlook on life had been rather pessimistic, and my energy seemed tainted, like a heap of dirt. I could sense darkness and negativity in my energy and vibrations.

As we conversed, she offered me an observation that struck me deeply: “You are too much in your head. You are living life but on the surface. And you my girl as I have seen you have the strength to turn this all around in a flip. But are you ready for that flip or have you become so used to this sadness and melancholy under smiles and laughter ? This statement hit me with the force of a truck. I spent several hours reflecting on her words and came to a realisation. I had absorbed an abundance of pain, hurt, hate, and fear, to the extent that they had become integral to my identity. It felt as though I had been extracting poison from others' lives to protect them, but this poison had gradually started corroding me from within. My decisions, perspectives, choices, preferences, opinions – they all carried traces of my pain. I had unwittingly moulded myself into a reflection of other people's words and the consequences of their actions. My current self was an amalgamation of trauma responses that had moulded my personality.

Describing this emotion is challenging, but I've lived much of my life in fear, and as a result, I haven't even come close to reaching my full potential. This realisation brings me a sense of sorrow. While this sadness served a purpose at some point, I hadn't felt ready to release it. However, this prolonged attachment to sadness has left me feeling utterly miserable. It has led me to harbour grudges, nourish the darkness within me, and be the victim always

I inhaled deeply, allowing myself to fully immerse in my emotions and thoughts that night. Having experienced significant challenges in life, including both physical and emotional abuse during my formative years, I realised how this had influenced my perception and experience of life. I had unconsciously adopted the patterns of thinking, feeling, and living that mirrored those who had mistreated me. The way I talked to myself and interacted with others had been shaped by the same negative patterns.

The roots of this can be traced back to the people who were meant to provide care and nurture – our caregivers. As per psychological insights, these early years play a crucial role in determining the foundations of our adult selves. Recognizing this, I began to comprehend that I needed to let go of the aspects of myself that were not truly me. It was a process of shedding the skin of who I had become through my experiences, and instead focusing on learning, evolving, and embracing the person I ought to be.

When you make your identity from starting there are going to be times your shadows will pop up from somewhere and you will question them because you are surprised who this person is. In psychology, the term "shadow" refers to the parts of your personality that you keep hidden or aren't fully aware of because they might be uncomfortable or unacceptable. These hidden aspects, proposed by psychologist Carl Jung, can influence your behaviour even without your awareness. Bringing your shadow to light involves acknowledging these hidden parts, accepting them as natural, and integrating them into your self-awareness, leading to personal growth and a better understanding of yourself. Everyone has their unique shadows and like everyone I also have my own shadows. But there is a skill to make your shadows as your asset and to positively influence your life

I use creativity to explore my hidden aspects. Writing poems and prose allows me to express different sides of myself. However, I've recently realised that I've been using these creative outlets to reinforce my past trauma, pain, grief, and struggles. Rather than helping me move forward, this habit keeps me stuck in my comfort zone. I tend to absorb everything around me, both positive and negative, without being fully aware of it. I've been idealising pain and sadness to the point that they've started defining my worth, particularly through my writing and poetry performances. Although I originally intended to write about these experiences as a way to release the pain, I've ended up romanticising them. That's why I've decided to take a break from writing and performing at poetry events. My health is currently my top priority, leading me to step back from my internship and organisational commitments. Ultimately, these decisions are aimed at prioritising my well-being and recovery. In this stage of my life, I've moved beyond many friendships and relationships, as growth is constant and our connections change along with it. While cherishing the good times, I've reached a point where bidding a fond farewell feels appropriate, knowing we may never cross paths again. Embracing farewells and new beginnings can be challenging, given the fear of abandonment, yet it's not our responsibility to foresee the destiny of our relationships

I'm putting in immense effort to remove the lenses through which I see the world as constantly on the verge of collapse with each step I take. I yearn to perceive the world as a space for growth and connection with like-minded individuals. I'm aiming to slow down my pace of life, letting go of unnecessary burdens in order to truly experience life and its richness. I wish to wake up each morning as a person who actively chooses to live life to the fullest, seeking happiness, and radiating effortless smiles. Anticipating sunsets with childlike wonder, savouring ice cream with pure joy, and breathing passionately like someone who has been given a second chance. Learning from pain, holding onto hope, cherishing the act of loving, finding delight in purchasing flowers, indulging in reading and writing, dancing in the rain, and wholeheartedly revelling in the art of living. Through my words, I want to provide closure to the past version of myself and make a promise of a brighter future, assuring my inner child that healing is on the horizon.I am shedding skin. It's beautifully painful but worth it.

#mentalheathawareness #desiblr #desi #desi shit posting #desi academia #dear diary #poems #poetries #short essay #spilled poetry #mental health matters #depression #dark academia

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aleksa-sims · 5 months

Text

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: mental illness, panic attacks

This is Dr. M., my Therapist. You have met her once before in my story. She helped me to control my panic attacks and practiced daily with me relaxation techniques. This really helped me after a while.

But now it was time for me, to use Dr M.’s help again. This time, it wasn’t panic attacks. It was rather.... stress & anxiety, that made my everyday life tough. I was afraid to leave the house alone.

Two days ago, I was already here. She prescribed me drugs, antidepressants, that I can continue to take during pregnancy. Weeks before, I attended those therapeutic group sessions she led. I haven’t been there often, but she asked me about Daniel there. She saw I wasn't well. And that's exactly the topic she first discussed with me today. She wanted to get an idea of my current situation and she was also worried about Daniel. She thought Daniel was going through something similar to me. Just he did not have panic attacks, but she was sure, he also struggled to process this thing .The attack on the two of us and the consequences of it. However, I also told her everything that had happened since Daniel left. Drugs, Adam & Ana, including N. & me.

Dr. M.: I'm glad you got confidence in me. I remember well how.... difficult certain topics for you were to address. That guy Adam, how do you handle what happened between you and him?

Me: Actually, nothing happened. And I don’t think he really wanted to hurt me. He had other intentions. It was about my sister.

Dr. M.: I see it a little differently. No matter what his intentions were or what his motive was, what he did is definitely wrong.

Me: Yes, I agree! It was wrong and made me angry. But-... ugh, I don't want to discuss about that. I get a headache from this subject.... No joke, my brain hurts rn.

Dr. M.: Here, a glass of water. You need to stay hydrated..... Better?....Fine. Explain please. What made you so angry about Adam?

Me: Um... what he did! To me.... Why does this keep happening to me?? 😫 It makes me so sick!😡 ... Agh, anyway. Pls let's change the topic.

Dr. M.: It's okay. But you did well! You finally showed me your anger and let it out... Oh, but you didn’t have a panic attack after that, right?

Me: No! I had sex 3 weeks later and well, I’m pregnant. Looks like sex isn’t a prob for me anymore.🤷‍♀️But even before that, it worked quite well between Daniel & me as far as this is concerned. You were right! Daniel wasn’t the trigger for my panic.

Dr. M.: He felt so awful about that. He blamed himself. But I’m glad this at least went well for you two.

Me: I was dreaming about him.... Again. It felt so real... I still feel like he was really with me last night. I was in our apartment. I felt like we were still together. I cleaned up, did our laundry and at night, he really came to me in my dreams... I just want to know where he is?.. Why did he leave me? And if he comes back?

Dr. M.: Let’s say Daniel comes back. What could your life together look like? Some things have changed. You are pregnant and Daniel’s situation or condition may have changed too? Could you imagine continuing your marriage with him?

Me: For him, I would try. I would also forgive him, no matter what he did. But how can I be sure he won’t leave me again?

Dr. M.: Exactly!..... You also have to be aware that you are pregnant. But do you think Daniel would be able to help you with your Baby?

Me: Um... Idk? It's not his Baby. I'm not sure if he can deal with that? But he'd help me, I know that. However, all of this is more of a wishful thinking of mine and not reality. So... I’m going to file for divorce tomorrow.

Dr. M.: That sounds reasonable. You should definitely do this step, for yourself! One of you two has to take the first step towards enlightenment, which doesn’t mean, that it really has to come to a separation in the end. My personal opinion.... Daniel had enough time. It's time to act now!

Me: Almost 3 Months.... Nevertheless, I think I made too hasty decisions and let myself be misled by false facts.... And Nico, whenever he shows up in my life, it gets complicated.

Dr. M. : Tell me more about him. How did you feel when you saw him again after a long time?

Me:...... (Gosh!🤦‍♀️) ... Ahhmm.... yea. It was okay. Nothing special. 🤥

Dr. M.: 🤨... I can tell when you're fibbing.😉 But, let's try it this way! Ask me a personal question that interests you. If I answer, you will also answer my question about Nico.

Me: Hehe...Ok! Ahm??? Do you have kids and are you married?

Dr. M.: No, I don’t have kids, my patients are my kids. But yes, I’ve actually been married recently.

Me: OH, congratulations.

Dr. M.: Thanks! You even met him. He examined you at the clinic when we were planning to include you in the study.

Me: No! That Doc is your husband??.. Cool! He's really nice, Dr. M. Cute. 😉

Dr. M.: Thank you. I'll tell him later. He will surely be pleased about it. 😄... But now back to you, A. How was it for you to see Nico again.

Me: My cheeks felt burning hot. I was beaming & smiling all over my face. 🤦‍♀️🥰.... Agh yea, I was so happy. Even though I was totally nervous and excited, it felt like he's always with me. And I think he felt the same. He kept telling me I was pretty and... hot. But he didn’t kiss me .He.... had a fiancé. He didn’t want to cheat on her, but I think if I told him I wanted him, he wouldn’t have said no. He made hints in that direction, but I was disappointed. Agh, honestly? I knew he was in a relationship. I wasn’t quite sure, but-... yea. I got involved with him anyway. I just can’t say no to him. I wanted him and... just a day later, I got him.

Dr. M.: It is right to say it openly. Feelings of attraction feel strong. Certain factors can amplify all this, making it even more difficult to ignore those feelings. But how did you and he decide to continue?

Me: We talked a lot, especially about the past. There were some misunderstandings that Nico and I were able to resolve. The present is more the problem I think, his fiancée and of course Daniel.

Dr. M.: Would he accompany you here? Like Daniel did... I’m trying to help you. I think Nico has a strong, very strong influence on you. You told me about him before, and.....well! It would be good for you, but also for him, if you come here together. You think he’d be willing to talk to me?

Me: Rn, I'm not really sure?... But Nico has surprised me in recent weeks, in many ways... I’ll see him soon anyway. He’ll accompany me to my prenatal check-up. So yea, I'm gonna talk to him.

Dr. M.: I’m glad to hear he’s accompanying you.... Fine, A.! And please! Please take your pills regularly! Or do I really have to call you here every other day?

Me: No! Pls don't!... I’ll take care of myself, I promise.

Dr. M.: That's just what I was hoping to hear. All right! Then.... See you next week, I’d say.

Me: Sure!...Ok thanks, see you next week Dr. M.

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#ts4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #myrlgameplay #rl story #cw mental health #cw mental illness #cw panic attack

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