#these are just the ones I personally connect to autism the most. The other ones are absolutely still neurodivergent in their own ways lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hello-nichya-here · 5 months

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Did Sia insult topic of autism somehow?

Oh honey, it's sooooooooo much worse than that.

Sia wanted to make a movie about an autistic girl that manages to connect to people/feel safe and confident through music. So far, nothing outrageous, just a simple concept that would obviously put Sia's music front and center while doing something nice and educating people on autism.

There was controversy about her not casting an autistic actress as it would have been nice representation, but she could have totally gotten away with that since, come on, hollywood hasn't even figured out Rain Man isn't exactly true to life, they're not ready to have an autistic person playing an autistic character. Baby steps.

The real problem started when Sia started promoting the "charity/support group" that was helping "educate" her on the topic to make the movie. The "charity" in question was Autism Speaks - which is absolutely HATED by the autistic community for things like:

1 - Spreading the myth that autism is a mental illness that one can develop/catch like the freaking flue and potentially be cured of, instead of a neurotype, aka something starts in the woomb and cannot be "cured" because to do that you'd need to replace someone's entire nervous system, which is impossible.

2 - Using that myth to get outrageous amounts of money from people so they "search for a cure" - that doesn't exist and will never exist because curing autism is biologically impossible, AND despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of autistic people don't even want to be "cured" (plus, since said "cure" would essentially mean giving the person a new brain, it leads to the question of "Would I even be the same person, or would that just kill and replace me?")

3 - Using the myth of "We don't know what causes autism" (we do, it's genetic) to, of course, get MORE money from people so they can "do research to find the missing puzzle piece" (if you ever see autistic people complaining about a puzzle piece being used to represent the condition, that's why, it was started by Autism Speak's massive disinformation campains).

4 - Falsely "confirming" things like soy milk cause autism with one of the world's most ridiculous "research", losing only to "vaccines totally make kids autistic, buy MY vaccine instead, guys, I am totally not an unbelievably biased person, it's ALL the other doctors/scientists lying to you. GIVE ME MONEY!"

5 - Pushing the narrative of "autism is inherently a tragedy" to distract from the fact that all the money they waste on stupid shit could be used to help autistic people and their families. Instead, they focus on creating more and more panic, making parents in particular despair even more - to the point that one of their "awareness videos" includes a mother talking about how she wants to murder her autistic daughter and then kill herself... while sitting right next to said daughter.

6 - Promoting ABA "therapy" - which was created by the same guy responsible for the attrocity that is gay conversion "therapy." Both have led to unbelievably high rates of confirmed PTSD and suicidal ideation in patients (victims), and ABA in particular has been compared to literal dog training. Very fitting since it was created by a guy who famously did not believe autistic people truly counted as thinking, feeling human beings, and said as much several times. Despite that, it is still praised by some utter bastards because "it makes the patients act less autistic when they're not crying in the corner or trying to jump out a window"

So yeah, working with these guys is a genuinely horrible thing to do since they're basically a scam/hate group pretending to be a charity - and people were STILL willing to give Sia the benefit of the doubt, since Autism Speak uses all their resources to make sure they're the first thing people see when looking up how to help autistic people.

Lots of Sia's fans, both autistic and allistic, warned her repeatedly, politely, that she needed to supporting them IMMEDIATELY as their goal was the exact opposite of the one she claimed to have - aka raise awareness through an accurate portrail of autism. People were even kind enough to name organizations like ASAN as replacements to help her fix any damage done to the project.

And instead of being a decent human being, Sia decided to cry on twitter about how the mean retar-I mean, autistics were bullying her even when she was so kindly using them for her vanity project.

Because yes, that's how the movie turned out. An unwatcheable piece of garbage, with the autistic "character" being so fucking bad even the people who actively use "autistic" as insulted being offended on our behalf - and of course, she was used just a prop to show how awesome Sia's character was.

Seriously, it was so bad the actress playing the autistic girl was sobbing in between scenes because she knew how it was horrible and she didn't want to insult anyone, but Sia is literally her godmother and helped her career by putting her in nearly all her music videos so she felt obligated to go along with it.

So yeah, fuck Sia and fuck Autism Speaks.

#asks #sia #ableism #autism speaks #actually autistic #aba therapy

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charlottan · 7 months

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i feel like i never see anyone talk about the motor control aspect of autism, particularly oral. i didnt even connect this with autism for a while but all the time im fucking up enunciation and stuff. its bad to the point where it fuels my social anxiety and isolation because its so embarrassing to have multiple stutters or slurs or whatever in a single sentence so most of the time i will just choose not to talk if possible. i can usually get into a groove for long conversations or if im very relaxed but if its more like a one-off remark or something theres literally like a 90% chance that what i say isnt going to come out right and ill have to repeat myself or watch the other person pretend they heard and nod and then turn away from me. idk autism sucks sometimes

#this is part of why i love the internet. conversations without having to worry about enunciation and everything

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snakeautistic · 5 months

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I love finding characters I can relate (/project onto) within media. There’s something so comforting about seeing yourself on screen. I end up headcanoning most of them to be in-line with my identities (lesbian, wasian, autistic) because they are literally me in my head!!

Anyway here’s a long ass list of my favorite characters and why I head canon them as autistic for fun!! If you have any others you’d like to add I’d love to hear them. (And please note this is just my interpretation, and highly based on my experience with autism. I’m not saying they’re definitely autistic or that all the traits I listed are the dsm-5 criteria or something.)

Princess Bubblgeum from adventure time:

This girl is peak evil scientist autistic. Her intense need for control, the way she carefully observes the citizens she created, an outsider to them, not quite like them… god it’s so perfect. I read her as being somewhat low empathy as well, it’s hard for her to change her perspective to that of others. Plus the fact her brother neddy is a pretty obvious metaphor for higher supports needs autism. I think they of represent how autism runs in the family and appears in all sorts of different ways in different people. They’re sort of two different representations of the spectrum.

Marcy wu from amphibia

I mean this one is just obvious. The biggest nerd of all time. So obsessed with her RPG special interest that she literally sucks her and her friends into a fantasy world. She’s clumsy (just like me fr), very smart but super socially awkward, a little oblivious and naive. She’s terrified of change, especially if it means abandoning the few social bonds she’s been able to make. I honestly find it hard to believe this wasn’t intentional.

Entrapta from she-ra

Another pretty overt example. I do have some issues with how she was portrayed in the show- (keeping her on a leash was weird.) but overall I really love her. She understands her tech, not people, and it can cause her to come into conflict with other characters. Their treatment of her makes me sad at times, but it’s realistic. I also love some of her other quirks, her love of tiny food, her exitable demeanor, ect.

Pearl from Steven Universe

Peridot is the more obvious example of an autistic character in SU, and while I agree she’s coded that way, I personally resonate more with Pearl. She is not very socially aware, and bothered by disruptions to her routine/ broader life changes. She doesn’t like to break rules (despite being a literal rebel lol.) I find it interesting how she seems to have the poorest understanding of life on earth out of the gems, despite having lived here for thousands of years. She is graceful, but has an almost sort of awkward gangly-ness to her that I relate to. Her neuroticism is also very similar to how my anxiety disorder presents.

Pearl has a tendency to infodump, without realizing those around her are uninterested. Even her relationship with Rose struck a chord with me. The hopeless devotion to her, the way she followed along at her side. It’s how many of my friendships have been. Obvious it’s not exactly the same considering Pearl having originally been her servant, but while not being an explicitly autistic trait, that sort of clingy, starstruck relationship is something autistic people are prone to developing. She does little hand stims at times too that I love to see.

Poison Ivy (specifically the version in the Harley Quinn animated show)

I’m surprised I haven’t seen more people mention poison Ivy. Fiercely intelligent and deeply introverted, she isolates herself from all people, and only connects with and understands her plants. (Which her deep affinity for can definitely be read as a special interest.) She very overtly has trouble forming relationships with others.

She’s blunt, socially awkward and a loner, has something of a flat effect and a monotone voice. Those around her initially read her as cold and impersonable.Her struggle with social anxiety as well as intense fear of failure/ low self esteem is also very relatable to me. She also often struggles to express/understand her feelings and emotions. Her radical political ideas and the fact that she’s literally an ecoterrorist paints her as having a very strong sense of justice and a somewhat black and white worldview. (Me)

Finally, her relationship with Harley just SCREAMS neurodivergent solidarity. Harley Quinn is (I think canonically) adhd, and they’re both outsiders in the world that found each other and just… get each other. She’s Ivy’s closest and only friend and amazing girlfriend and god it’s all so perfect.

They remind me a lot of the relationship I have with my best friend with adhd except theirs is gayer.

#autistic headcanon #autism headcanon #headcanon #headcanons #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodivergent headcanon #adventure time #princess bubblegum #amphibia #marcy wu #she ra #entrapta #steven universe #pearl su #poison ivy #harley quinn animated series

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drdemonprince · 16 days

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Have you ever found it worth floating the possibility to probably autistic people and maskers (close friends, family, etc) that they might be autistic?

I have tried it a couple times and it seems to just make people get really defensive and upset with me (which I can handle), but then also people start to hold me at arms length. My intention is to bring us closer together by talking about our shared struggles and how to improve our lives (which was totally fine in the past talking about our shared traits without the autism label), but attaching the possibility of autism to it has the opposite effect. The people I’m around are VERY adhd-affirming, and I see how having that connection over the mutual struggle brings my adhder loved-ones together, and I really crave that type of connection with the people I already love and have so much in common with.

You shouldn't tell someone what you think their identity ought to be, no matter your intentions.

For one, many people who are masking or undiagosed harbor deeply stigmatized views about what Autism even is, and so they will not take the statement as a positive declaration of belonging, but rather an accusation that they have failed to conceal what is most frightening or vulnerable about themselves. Exposing their most hidden side will make them feel very unsafe and judged, even if your intention is the opposite.

Telling someone that you think they might be neurodivergent also suggests that you know them better than they know themselves, which is untrue, and may feel invasive and unwelcome to hear.

Your friend could be the most obviously Autistic to ever Autistic from your point of view, but the choice of how to self-define still falls solely on them. There are many different ways for a person to interpret their experience, and they might arrive at some other word or concept that better does their experience justice from their perspective.

our identities exist to help us make sense of our lives and express who we are to people, on our terms. Most neurodivergent people are absolutely sick of always getting defined from an external point of view. We don't need member of our own community doing that to us further.

If you have benefitted from coming to understand yourself as Autistic, you can and should speak about that openly and positively. That will be enough incentive for anyone else in your life who is neurodivergent to explore the possibility for themselves. If you vibe easily with someone because you share traits in common or seem to naturally understand one another, let that be enough. Tell the person you feel comfortable around them and that spending time with them helps you to accept yourself. That is a much greater compliment than telling someone who they must be.

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minniiaa · 20 days

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another lawlu hc related to that: law has sensory issues with eating sometimes because of his autism and it makes him internally scream and go to an empty room to cry. luffy realizes law has been giving him too much of his food recently. after finding out why, luffy gives him all the comfort and love he deserves and it causes law to eat a little more 🥹💜 (this sadly happens to me in real life as an autistic person. I NEED A SPOUSE LIKE LUFFY AAAAAH)

Yes! This is actually so sweet. Law's autism could totally explain his very particular eating habits. You inspired me to write the below headcanon based on this. I have had people in my life who are autistic but I do have it myself so I hope I could do the experience justice in the context of Law and his personality. I just love the idea of Luffy finding out and making sure Law gets whatever he needs because he's the best partner anyone could ask for <3

Law is very self-conscious when it comes to his eating habits, as he is with most of his peculiarities and it's nearly impossible for him to bring himself to ask to be accommodated when others are cooking even though he knows people will do so even when he doesn't tell them why. He accidentally blurted out that he doesn't like bread and ever since then Sanji has always made him his own special dish whenever he is serving bread dishes to the others. He appreciates Sanji's understanding but he feels like a burden for making him create something entirely different just for him.

Law's food preferences don't just end with bread though, and he can't just refuse to eat what he's being served, that would be rude. Luckily, he has a very hungry partner who is always eyeing up his plate for scraps so he can generally just give him the things he doesn't like but recently it's been getting worse to the point that Law is barely eating because his sensory issues have become overwhelming.

Law thinks he's pretty slick but Luffy knows him better than he knows himself most of the time and one day, he confronts him. Luffy asks Law if he's okay and why he hasn't been eating virtually any of his food recently. He tries to play it off by saying he just hasn't been hungry but Luffy calls out the fact that his stomach has been growling and he's clearly hungry. He demands Law to tell him what's going on and if he's sick, he'll figure out how to make him better. Law, knowing he can't get out of this without telling Luffy the truth, explains that he has a condition where specific food textures make him feel extremely uncomfortable and he can't eat them without feeling like he's going to either throw up or explode.

Much to Law's relief, Luffy immediately understands. "That's okay, everyone is different, Torao! You should have told me before so I can make sure you get all the yummy food you like! Now, tell me all the things that make you feel gross and I'll make sure you never have to eat them again. Food is the best thing in the world and you need to eat so you can be nice and strong!" he says and Law has to hold back his tears. He's been struggling with this for so long and he's always been afraid to tell people because he doesn't want them to judge him and just assume he's annoying when he can't help it.

He's not sure why he didn't just tell Luffy this before, he's not the best at expressing himself. Emotions and connecting with others are hard for him. He's already so much of a burden on Luffy as it is even though Luffy constantly reassures him that he loves him, he's never a burden, and he just wants him to be happy.

After that day, Luffy makes sure that Law's plate never has anything he doesn't like on it. If anyone dares to call Law 'picky' he yells at them and advises that Law is artistic (Law has corrected him and told him it's autistic but he doesn't seem to listen) and he can't help it and that he'll beat them up if they make fun of his Torao. Law wonders every single day what he did to deserve such a loving and understanding partner who goes out of his way to make Law's life easier in whatever way he can.

#one piece #law #trafalgar law #luffy #lawlu #monkey d luffy #lulaw #op #lawlu headcanon #one piece lawlu #lawluffy #minni headcanons

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disabledunitypunk · 1 year

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What is unitypunk?

Unitypunk is a disabled subculture encompassing other movements like cripplepunk, neuropunk, madpunk, and pluralpunk, as well as other movements like the anti-psych, pro-delusion, and pro-self-diagnosis movements. It's focus is on building a single, disability-justice-focused coalition; a united face against all kinds of ableism

To this end, the movement rejects gatekeeping of terms and talking about experiences based on having the "right" diagnoses or the right "kinds" of diagnoses. It is focused on assuming good faith, on people's similar experiences being shared in turn as a way of saying "I understand, and stand by you", on pulling up chairs rather than building up walls.

This is partly in response to small but vocal minorities within the community who insist that their experiences are entirely unique to their diagnosis or type of disability, and that disabled folks of other kinds are not welcome in their conversations about disability justice. This flies in the face of intersectional anti-ableism, and as I and other physically disabled neurodivergent people have noted, often leaves us unable to talk about a full half of our experiences.

The foundation of unitypunk is that the brain and body are inextricably interconnected - all physical organs that are interdependent on one another - and that while for some the symptoms of physical and psychological disabilities may be entirely separate or different, for others they are impossible to differentiate or functionally the same. The gut is the second brain. The body keeps the score (of trauma). Where in your body do you hold your emotions? The mind-body connection. All commonly used phrases when talking about disability, all illustrating this connection.

A psychological condition may be physically disabling. Autism can cause significant mobility issues. Anxiety can cause cardiac issues. Something like agoraphobia may cause someone to become as effectively housebound as someone with mobility issues and an inaccessible door. A physical condition may also be psychologically disabling. Absorption issues in the gut, particularly in regards to vitamins D and B12, can wreak havoc on the brain. Thyroid and adrenal/endocrine issues are one of the first things tested when seeking a mental health diagnosis. And of course, chronic illness can cause depression, anxiety, and trauma. Whether direct or indirect, the effects are the same; a complexity to the manifestation of symptoms that cannot be neatly squared away into little boxes.

This movement recognizes that only by recognizing and celebrating the breadth and depth of that complexity will we be able to achieve true disabled community and solidarity. It prioritizes a united front over personal differences. You don't have to like the disabled person next to you, but we all have to put aside any petty squabbles and fight for each other, or go down together. This includes being intersectional and inclusive of all other identities, whether you understand them or not. This means not disparaging or writing off identities, and judging people for their actions, not their labels. It also means, while it's fine to make spaces focused on a specific aspect or kind of disability, that it's important to recognize that real life experiences are messy and won't always respect neat lines being drawn. This is especially true of the experiences of physically disabled neurodivergent people, who are multiply marginalized and deserve to have our experiences heard and respected.

The most important things you can do here are to talk, and to *listen*. This account, this *movement*, is just a starting line. The end goal is total disabled liberation, and the only way we will get there is marching together.

#unitypunk #disability #cripplepunk #madpunk #neuropunk #pluralpunk #antipsychiatry #antipsych #psych critical #anti psych #autpunk #dyspunktional #alterpunk #pro delusion #descrippunk

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bluedalahorse · 3 months

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I think I’ll say this once, since I need to say it before I can move on to more excited posting about promos and things:

Obviously Young Royals means a lot to me. It’s become another way for me to connect with my hyphenated-American heritage and to start teaching myself Swedish again. It helped me survive a pretty brutal year of bullying at work. It made me confident enough to start the process of getting formally evaluated for autism and ADHD. I’ve been writing a 200k+ historical AU fanfic for YR—the kind of fic I always read and adored back in fandoms when I was younger, the kind of fic I wanted to write myself. I’m proud of the way that Heart and Homeland has made me a better writer, and I’m glad for the way it’s deepened my friendship with @heliza24. It is Young Royals in part that inspired by thesis on restorative justice in YA literature. When I was in the hospital last fall because I almost had a literal stroke from stress, I was comforted and kept calm by the fact that I was wearing a YR t-shirt and had a plush doll of a YR character sitting in my lap. And all of that is the short list.

As we come close to the release date, I hope that every single member of the fandom gets something they enjoy in the new season. I don’t think every person is going to get everything they want, but I genuinely hope there’s a moment, a scene, a line that brings them joy. We’ve all stuck with this series for a while, and I want us all to have something we can take with us. A little bit of sparkle for the road, if you will.

There’s of course the possibility that some of us get a lot of what we want, and others of us are let down. I know this was the case for season 2, and it feels naive to imagine that everyone in the fandom will be equally satisfied by season 3. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ll enjoy the hell out of it, but I’m also trying to prepare my heart in case it’s not what I wanted. I’m trying to gently talk to myself right now and say that even if the third season leaves me upset and unsatisfied—even if the writing takes a nosedive or it’s good writing but it’s just not what I wanted—that I still learned a lot about crafting stories and being myself and surviving hardship and thinking about systems and whatever else, from this show. That my experience with the first two seasons still matters, that my work on my fic is something to be proud of. If season 3 is a disappointment, Heart and Homeland will be my new canon. I’m sure there are other people out there talking themselves up in this way too. I know we’re all pushing through the pre-season jitters.

The other thing I’m trying to reconcile right now is how I feel about the promotional material that’s come out, and the conversations around that. Like on my own, I actually feel pretty great? It’s fun to see the new stuff come in? But then I think about the ratio of Wilmon to other things and some of the responses I’m seeing to that. And I see people say like “oh the show is back to focusing on what’s actually good about it” and “it’s great that they’re doing this because the audience doesn’t really care about characters who aren’t Wilmon.” And… hello? Aren’t I the audience? Tumblr isn’t too bad (most of the time) but then there’s like, Instagram, where the Netflix Nordic posted whole set of photos of different pairs and friendships from a whole bunch of shows, and there was one (1) picture of Sara and Rousseau and I saw enough comments where people were like “ew! Vomit! Give us Wilmon instead!” that like… y’all. Frida Argento is a human being and a damn good actress, and Lisa is a good writer of female characters, and like. We can celebrate that, once in a while. We can create space for her too. It’s not Frida OR Omar and Edvin. It’s Frida AND Omar AND Edvin AND Nikita AND Malte AND Nathalie AND Mimmi AND Fabian AND Samuel AND… look I could keep on listing but I’m going to get distracted if I do.

Like, man. I love Wilmon. Don’t get me wrong. I love the complexity their relationship can run with. There are lines heliza has written for them in fic that make me swoon and I am giddy about the part where I get to read them first. I love the glowsticks. I love Wilmon’s sense of humor and the part where they cheated at Vincent’s rowing race thing and their utmost commitment to being dumbass teenage boys against the world. The first week I saw the show and came into work (where we have an athletic field) I went and took a selfie on the field after covering my hands in those gross fake dots. Look. I am all in.

And also… I came to the show for Wilmon but I stayed for so much more. I would have watched Young Royals once or twice and said “that was pleasant” without ever getting back into fanfic after a decade away, if the show was only Wilmon. I do like Wilmon, but it wasn’t Wilmon who inspired my thesis on restorative justice or made me a better writer overall. I survived that year of bullying at work because I could come home and write my ensemble fanfic, especially the parts where I focused on the non-Wilmon pairing I was in charge of writing. I finally felt confident enough to be evaluated for AuDHD because of a connection I felt to a character who wasn’t Simon or Wilhelm. It was a plush doll of a non-Wilmon character who sat in my lap and kept me calm while I was hooked up to those scary machines in the hospital this past October.

I guess my one humble request is that people be thoughtful about how they use phrases like “everyone thinks” or “no one wants.” Not every member of the fandom has the same opinion, and not every member wants the same things out of season 3, and there are some of us who are happy about the new Wilmon content but who are still feeling a little hungry for more of our most beloved characters, and hope they’ll get meaningful storylines (and not get ignored) in season 3. I do know we probably won’t all get what we want, and that some of us will probably get more of what we want than others. I hope that whatever happens, we’ll all get something we want, and we can all be gracious about it, and continue to find meaning in the canon.

For the people here on tumblr who are already including me in their everyone… thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope you know who you are and I hope you know how much I appreciate you. And I do hope this Little Fandom That Could can keep going into all sorts of new creative places.

#young royals #young royals season 3 #young royals season 3 spoilers #yrs3 spoilers

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daytaker · 4 months

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NightBringer Satan is a Gift.

I understand everyone has their own opinions on how good/not good NB is as a game or a story or whatever, but in my opinion, Satan's characterization is soooo enhanced by it. I know that this isn't an opinion that everyone shares, but to me, Satan felt emotionally artificial sometimes in the original game (more on that below).* He felt kind of awkward and like he wanted to connect with MC but something was blocking the kind of connection they develop with some of the other brothers. (Disclaimer: I've only done season 1 of OG, so I can't speak to how he's characterized later on. I know, I know, shame. But I'm trying my best.) Getting to see what Satan is like when he doesn't have any control over his emotions makes the stiffness and artificiality make more sense to me, and they become admirable because we get to see just how hard it is for him to get everything under control.

I think they did a really good job with the pacing of his development in NB too. Satan in Lesson 1 and Satan in Lesson 19 are different, but there isn't a moment where he suddenly starts controlling his emotions better. I think there's a lot going on behind the scenes with him as far as his emotional growth and self control are concerned.

Also let's not forget some very important things about Satan that make him, IMO, one of the most interesting characters to work with as a writer:

Satan was never an angel; he had no fall from grace.

Satan was created from Lucifer's wrath---he is literally the product of trauma and self-mutilation.

Satan is significantly younger than his brothers.

He spent the first year of his life more or less trapped in a castle with his deeply emotionally wounded brothers.

He has a deep resentment towards Lucifer that sometimes defies reason---he wishes he didn't dedicate so much of his time and energy to him, but it's basically a compulsion.

He hates his deep association with Lucifer, and he hates that he has a lot in common with him.

And these lead me to some headcanons that live rent-free in my brain every day of my life.

Satan sees himself as a reminder of the Great Celestial War and everything his brothers lost in it, including Lilith.

He is divine retribution against Lucifer for his failure, for leading his brothers to failure, for letting his sister die.

He acts as a counterbalance to Lucifer's pride by bearing the weight of the shame that Lucifer can't fully accept now that he is the Avatar of Pride. Even if Lucifer pushes it out of his mind, Satan never forgets that he failed in the worst way possible.

His biggest aspiration is to become a full and complete person outside of any association he has with Lucifer. He feels like some sort of parasitic tumor that exists only in opposition to his brother, and he wants desperately to escape that role that he feels he was born into.

Anyway, Satan is great, hail Satan, all that good stuff. Did you know I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about Satan? I know, shocking. For more of my takes here's my fic about him (on AO3).

*I think Satan almost metaphorically represents certain elements of autism---emotions that don't come out the way you intend, masking and its limitations, hyperfixations that are barely under control. In Fandom Discourse(TM) there's sometimes a level of focus on more 'cutesy' autistic traits that we find endearing in characters, like social obliviousness and gleefully indulged hyperfixations. But emotional control, emotional masking, emotional seepage, emotional artificiality---these are also real and messy and often times they aren't cute and they're uncomfortable to see in yourself or in someone else. I really don't like diagnosing characters so I'm not about to claim Satan "is" autistic, but as someone who has been called essentially 'spectrum adjacent' by doctors, I relate to the awkwardness and the desire to appear normal despite knowing you're not and emotions spilling out in ugly ways---um. That got really long and personal.

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perplexingluciddreams · 5 months

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An exploration of gender as a nonverbal autistic

This is going to be an attempt at expressing my feelings about my own gender and queerness, as a nonverbal autistic with language difficulties, low awareness of the world around me, barely any sense of self, and so many other things that affect my ability to understand and be aware of the concept of gender and sexuality to begin with.

I tried to write this like a properly structured essay, but because my thoughts are so disorganised in general (and I have so many thoughts on this topic), I couldn’t manage that. So, I have decided to present this as if it is a collection of journal entries; that is basically what this is, in truth! You will just have to experience the disorganisation in a similar way to how I experience my own mind. The most organising I was able to do was split it up into some categories, to make it slightly easier for you, reading this. Some things that I wrote could fit into more than one category, but this is how I chose to divide it up.

I have written a lot about the words I use to describe the way I feel, how I choose those words, and how that has changed over time. My delays in certain areas of development, and the other ways my various disabilities affect me, have a significant impact on the ways I have come to understand my gender identity and the internal (and partially external) process I went through to get to where I am now.

I have no doubt that things will continue to shift and change and as a result, the way I define myself in different contexts will also change. This is just my first attempt at getting a lot of this out of my brain and into words, for other people to read.

I wrote this is many fragments, so it doesn’t flow or connect, and there may be some repetition. Each paragraph may have been written at a completely different time, and therefore doesn’t relate to the last paragraph, or the next. Some of this is just stand-alone statements, some is longer examinations of my feelings. But all of it is true to my experience of the world and of queerness.

I have never been able to express the majority of this before, so I think it is pretty good for a first attempt!

**Note: I make a reference to having speech at a point in my life. I am nonverbal due to late autism regression, and grew up semiverbal with very unreliable speech, and language issues. I had very poor communication.**

Here we go!

I am inserting a “read more” here because this is very long. Really, very long.

Part 1 - The Words

I don't really think of myself as a man or a woman, or a boy or a girl. I have called myself a transsexual man before, simply because that is the clearest way to explain to someone where I'm coming from and where I'm headed. But I don't particularly like the word "man" to describe myself. I like the word boy, just because the word is nice. But that doesn't mean I am insistent on people calling me a boy.

I choose the words I use for myself simply from what I like the sound or feel of the most. The last thing I want is to be boxed in, though. I only use labels as descriptors, to explain to other people - they are a tool to communicate something, not a set of limits and boundaries to put on myself.

I know a lot of people might read this and think "that sounds like nonbinary", but I don't use that word. Again, simply because I don't like the way it sounds or feels when i read/write/hear it. And yes, I suppose I do exist outside the conventional binary, but that would be the case regardless of whether I was transsexual or not, because of my autism. So that is not something that needs to be labeled in my opinion (for me personally). Because the conventional binary is not something that exists in my experience of the world.

I hate that there's one set of accepted terminology to label queerness - such a fluid and complex piece of identity - and that I am even more "other" if I choose to say that I AM female, I WAS a girl. I don't like the word transgender unless it is being used as a verb - transing gender. I like the word transsexual because it describes something I will DO (top surgery, eventually). And partly because of how it sounds and the pattern of typing it on a keyboard.

My gender is what I DO, not what I AM. Gender as a verb.

Socially, changing my name and pronouns is much more connected to my barely-there sense of self, and past trauma. I needed to start again, because I felt that my life had changed completely (and it *had*). I like he/him pronouns because they sound different to how i was always referred to growing up. And they simply sound nicer.

Even though I don't understand most of the social stuff that comes with gender stuff, I still have positive and negative connections to certain gender-related things. And relating to the way I was raised - it still affects me, even though I can't grasp the complexity of how and why.

I enjoy the fact that I am fucking with gender, fucking with expectations. I am a female that is also a boy. I love the contradiction.

I still call myself female, because if people really mean it when they say "gender and sex is separate", then "female" does not mean "girl" or "woman".

Most words I used to describe myself as a child were put on me by other people. I used to repeat them over and over in my mind, as if to explain to myself that that's what I am. Especially my own name. I felt that if I just repeated it enough then maybe those words would stick and feel real. They never did. I don't know what words I would use to describe myself now, but I don't think I need to know. I'm just me. No words are needed for that.

When I just exist as myself in the world, words are barely relevant. My world is so sensory-based and rich in sensations that there's no point even trying to put words to it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with creating new words for things that already have words to describe them, language is constantly evolving and different people will have different experiences that they want to describe in different ways. However, I don't think it is useful to argue for stopping the usage of "outdated" terms, as there are always going to be people who prefer those terms. Not all people are going to agree on a word that they find most fitting or appropriate, even in one community.

I try my best to examine my feelings about myself and what causes a good reaction in me and what causes bad reaction in me. And then I use whatever words I have to try and explain it as best as I can.

Often the words I have are not enough and either I cannot communicate something at all, or I try and it is inaccurate and/or inadequate.

It is very difficult for me to put such abstract thoughts/concepts/feelings into words, I lack the language for that and often also the awareness - there is so many steps to communicating something for me. For example, most people have the automatic urge to communicate things, and know that option is always there. For me, it takes mental work to even remember other people exist and I am capable of interaction with them. And of course after that follows so much more work to do the actual communicating.

For years I thought of the words "transgender" and "transsexual" as off limits. "Those are the things I am not allowed to be".

A lot of words have shaky definitions and that makes it hard for me to even understand what they mean, never mind use them to describe myself.

I would often rather use a phrase, or a paragraph, to describe myself, rather than a singular word. I really don't want to be misunderstood.

I think that the way I experience gender cannot be put into words, and it certainly can't be labeled with one thing. I'm just grateful to have the opportunity to even try and communicate these things, and to explore it openly in the first place. Because of course I would still explore it inside my own head, even if I didn't have the words or couldn't tell anybody - I was already doing that, before I had access to all this new language.

I know a lot of people don't like the word "tomboy", but since I was a kid I've always really liked it. It brings to mind a mental image of young girls (in a time when clothing for men and women was much more separated) dressing up in boys clothes, boys school uniform, and the feeling of freedom from that. I always wished people would call me a tomboy when I was a kid.

I had a feeling of "oh, that's what I want to be when I grow up", when I first learnt of what butch is. Even though I am not sure at all of my sexuality, because that relates to other people and I am never sure how I relate to other people, or if that’s even possible, especially in a romantic or sexual way.

The words I use will always be slightly "out of date", or "not right", because of the time it takes my brain to catch up with everything. I will never find words to properly describe myself in a way that feels fully correct. I live in a world of my own that doesn't need words, only the acknowledgement of a feeling inside my own head. However, that is not very useful when trying to communicate things to other people.

Some words just taste and sound like defiance.

Part 2 - My Physical Existence

With puberty, I had so much discomfort with the change in my body, not only because it felt as if I was developing wrong, but also because of age and developmental stage - I felt it was too early, I was not ready for that. Big changes are bad.

I do have dysphoria, but only really around my chest, and the way people refer to me (which is also complicated and related to trauma). And other than that, I don't care a lot about how I am viewed, as long as I feel free to express myself however I want.

Aside from my chest, I am comfortable being female. I like having a vulva (as much as it intrigues me about what having a penis is like), I don't want to change that about my body. I don't mind having a uterus (apart from menstruation, which is not fun, but it's not the worst thing ever and it doesn't make me feel overly dysphoric).

I recognise that I have a physical form. I did have to develop the awareness of that, but I do not see that as ME. I am just a floating mass of thoughts and feelings and experiences.

My body was made for me, it wasn't made wrong. There are things I need to change about this body to make it more comfortable to exist in, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it was made wrong to begin with, despite feeling that way sometimes.

Disabled bodies inherently break the rules.

Many times I have wondered, perhaps, if my chest were much smaller, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. The main thing I struggle with due to my very large chest, is the physical discomfort. It aggravates my sensory issues in a massive way, it causes back and rib pain from the weight and pressure. The ways that having a large chest increases symptoms of my disabilities are the biggest reason for needing top surgery. Gender wise, I think I would be unbothered by a more “neutral” body, where I could easily forget about my birth sex. If/when I get top surgery, I will be removing my entire chest - the end result being a flat chest - however if I naturally had very small breasts I wonder whether I would pursue top surgery at all. I’m not sure of the answer to this, I can’t imagine hypothetical situations well, but it’s something I think about often.

I find relief in having physical reminders that it is different now (to when I was a child) and I won't get hurt again, I am safe now. I now have a buzzcut that I touch every time I am scared and remember it is not like when my hair was long, not anymore.

Sensory issues and physical limitations affect my physical appearance. And, my mannerisms are affected. I cannot look how I WANT to look. How I WISH I looked. As a result, my perception of myself and my external appearance, are even further divided. My generally low awareness and weak sense of self comes into play here as well. There is such a disconnect.

Part 3 - Awareness and Understanding

I can't stick labels on myself because in order to do that, I need to perceive myself as a person first. If other people want to use certain words to describe the way I am and the way I try to find joy and comfort in this confusing and scary world, that's absolutely fine by me - words are important and helpful and useful. But I don't know enough about the character that other people see and perceive, to say those things about "me".

I don't understand the concept of gender at all really. For me being trans is just about having more of the things that make me happier and more comfortable. I don't know what it means to BE a boy, versus being a girl - just that, out of the two, I would much rather be a boy. It is complicated, having such strong feelings towards and/or against things that I barely grasp the concept of.

My (lack of) understanding of gender and awareness of the world and myself definitely impact the way I define my identity. I would like to say that I am not bothered about labels much. That, to me the human experience is too complex and varied and colourful to be fit into black and white labels, I am just somewhere on the spectrum of human, but as descriptors they can be useful. And all of that is true, however, I do have intense preferences on which words I and others use to refer to me, even if I don’t at all understand why. Those preferences have shifted over time, as well, which sparks a period of questioning and examination, every time I hear someone use a word I previously preferred and find myself physically recoiling from the discomfort.

I cannot understand social constructs such as gender and gender roles. It just add to the confusion that surrounds my brain every day of my life.

If someone views me as a woman (or a girl), nowadays I am okay with that. It definitely would have bothered younger me, because I couldn't yet wrap my head around the complexity and fluidity of identity, and how it can't always be described by words with strict definitions. But as long as people use the name I chose for myself, and refer to me in the the way I ask, I am okay with any assumptions they may make about me based on my outward appearance. Because it's me, and how I define my own identity, that matters. Not how I look to other people. And my appearance is not something I have much control over at all, anyway. The first thing people notice about me is that I’m disabled.

Part 4 - Growing Up

The stages to breaking down my identity enough to identify it as a trans experience, for me, were this. First, it was necessary to understand what gender and sex is, and that there’s a difference between the two. Then, to understand social roles assigned to male and female that create "girl" and "boy" expectations. Thirdly, to have enough awareness of myself and understand my individual experience (and be able to compare my experience to others’) enough to figure out how I feel about gender. Lastly, to finally get communication skills and the control over my life to be able to TELL anyone. This last step is a work in progress!

The way I see it, I was by default a girl when I was younger. Because I had no control then, and that's what was assigned to me. I really couldn't say what I wanted almost at all until I was about 16 years old. And one of the first complex things I finally could communicate (at a very basic level, just scraping the surface) was the gender stuff. I attempted this a lot of times before 16 but I simply didn’t have the language, the understanding, the awareness, the communication skills, etc. to get my point across. The first time I tried to tell another person about experiencing queerness, I only had the words “gay” and “lesbian” to use. I knew that these were not right, but that was all I had. The only words I could use were ones I had read or heard, from other people, and that greatly, greatly limited my ability to express my unique internal experiences. Instead of trying to find other words, I instead became very insistent upon being gay/lesbian, only because I knew it was more than that.

I have a lot of memories of scary experiences where my unreliable speech took over and blurted out scripts (delayed echolalia) about being queer (using words I wouldn’t choose), simply because I was trying to learn and understand my feelings about queerness better with watching/reading media from other people. And that lead to ridicule and more exposure than I was ready for or wanted. I didn’t want other people to know, at that stage. I wasn’t done with the processing, and I needed it to stay internal. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I was one of those people where it was always obvious I am queer, or at least “different” in just about every respect. I have never had a choice to hide it. I mourn the fact that I was never allowed the chance to inform other people of this part of my identity in my own time, with my own words. I am grateful that I even have the privilege of writing this, but there is a reason that there’s so much to write here in one go. There is so much I haven’t had the ability to say at all, until now, and even more that I haven’t had the chance to say right.

Sometimes I have the feeling that, even in the queer community, with the accepted labels and identities, I don't fit. It makes me sad sometimes, that I couldn't fit an accepted “role” or label. I have come to an understanding that that is not what being queer is about at all, which helps. I think part of the reason this upsets me, is because I am so disabled that I will never “fit” in any real queer space with other real queer people. I am left outside, watching from the edges. I am outside of everything.

But - It comforts me that there have always been people like me, just existing in the world. We have always been here. When I was younger and had all these thoughts and feelings about gender that I didn't understand yet, had no context for, couldn't express and didn't have proof of anyone else who had the same experience - it comforted me to think "if i am feeling this, then statistically another human at some point in time must've felt the same way".

When I was younger I used to believe - queer is what people say when they mean "dirty" and "wrong". It’s what people say when they mean something worse but don't have a word for it.

My identity of being trans is simply my identity of being me.

When I think about "passing" and wishing things to be easier for me, I don't think "I wish I passed as a boy", I find myself wishing I was just a girl, and then my life would be so much less complicated. But, of course, it will always be complicated for me, because of how others perceive my autism first, before anything else. I feel I struggle to be seen as a whole human with a complex human experience, because to so many people I am just my autism. Then also lacking of awareness of gender and only knowing my own feelings - even if I was a girl, I would still have this difficulty! - but still, in this situation, I think "I wish I didn't have these feelings to begin with". I think that shows it is more about the difficulty of coping, rather than other people's view and opinion based on my appearance and outward expression.

When using words to refer to my younger self, those experiences and the way they were labeled and explained at the time does not cease to exist just because I choose to use different words for my present-day self. I am more accepting of this now, I used to really struggle with the fact that it had changed over time and my black-and-white thinking of “one or the other is true”, made it very challenging.

When I was younger, the only way I knew how to make everything “wrong” with me (autism, physical disabilities, queerness, lack of faith in God, etc.) an understandable concept, was to come up with the overall explanation that “my brain is broken”. I just thought that must be the only answer. It was the only way I could process how many things I thought were completely and utterly wrong about me.

It feels like two facts colliding when I see my birth name, and it makes my brain hurt and my understanding of the world shatter.

Part 5 - The Choice

When people misgender me, it is more upsetting to me that people ignore my choice than that they perceive me "wrong" or make the wrong assumption. I actually don’t mind assumptions much, if someone looks at me and thinks I’m a woman that’s okay with me nowadays - I understand that I appear female, because I am, and a lot of people connect female with woman (or girl, as I am often also assumed to be quite young). But I also can easily forget that someone might not know my pronouns straight away, simply because of struggles with theory of mind - I forget that other people don't automatically know what I know, that they can't read my mind.

It is upsetting only because my choice is not being respected or understood or seen, from my brain’s point of view. Having the ability and opportunity to choose the way I am addressed, the way I identify, the way I talk about myself and want others to talk about me, is incredibly valuable to me. For so long I have only had other people’s words, both for them to freely put onto me, and to use in my laboured attempts at communication. Attempting to grab onto the closest words to my true meaning and piecing them together like jigsaw pieces from different puzzles that don’t quite fit.

Now that I can write something like this, with so many words that are mostly my own, to have someone go against that (whether it is intentional or not - it doesn’t change things because of my low theory of mind, I can’t think from another’s perspective and understand that they don’t know what I know) is spirit breaking.

A lot of the parts of my transition can be (partially) attributed to different things, different reasons. I changed my name partly because I had no connection to my birth name, and struggled to remember to respond to it. It also reminded me of bad memories that I don’t want to relive every day. Having a new name was part of a necessary process of changing every part of my life so it never feels the same way it used to - at least, not in the ways that I can control. I already wrote about how I need top surgery for reasons including but not limited to dysphoria, pain, sensory issues, and so on. I love having my hair buzzed (as much as I have the occasional urge to grow it), because it feels like me. It feel different to when I was younger, and it’s a physical reminder that I am safe now, every time I touch my head or catch a glance of myself in the mirror.

Technically, with these other reasons to attribute many parts of my transition to, I could choose not to identify the way I do. If I didn’t feel a strong connection to queerness, I don’t think I would spend so much time trying to sift through thoughts and feelings and experiences and memories and holding them up against different words to see how it fits. I have basically no awareness of gender outside of myself, I can’t figure out my sexuality because I don’t know how I can even relate to other people. I could put a mental block between me and this topic, and never call myself queer or trans or anything like that ever again.

But - I DO choose to collect these parts of me, and spend the time holding them up to the light and squinting at them from every direction, to come to align them with these words. That is my choice.

I am the same person I always have been, I just get to choose now. I have the power and control.

Thank you for reading, if you got to the end! I love to know that my words are seen by other people.

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ryuseiired · 4 months

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mahiru. 12.

im expecting this to be an answer that requires a read more. go, autism boy, go. talk about mahiru and all the ways people sleep on her character

I LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW ME SO WELL. right. yeah here we go. i Do have thoughts. on this one.

12. what do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

ok. well first off. i think we should just talk about mahiru more in general because i love her. but here is my biggest thought on What Exactly Some People, Especially Not On Milgramblr, Are Sleeping On About Mahiru: there's a lot of talk about her murder case, and that's great, but... i think a lot of the things that really draw me to her as a character and to her case tend to slip by people on account of the way milgram likes to- as kazui shows us in cat- keep it simple, victim and perpetrator. but i think trying to understand her better also gives a better understanding of where exactly things did go wrong in the relationship that put her in milgram.

the rest of this answer where i elaborate more will, in fact, be under a cut because you are right that i have an essay locked and loaded on this and actually this turned into a mahiru analysis/theory post by accident i meant to answer mostly normally but unfortunately i'm not normal about mahiru shiina.

let's talk about this is how to be in love with you. can we talk about this is how to be in love with you? i'm dying to talk about this is how to be in love with you. and god, its english name is a mouthful, i understand why some people just go with calling it ai nan desu yo.

obviously (hopefully) we all know mahiru getting guilty voted over this mv was absolutely fucked and unfair. i'm still mad about it. especially because i think that if you look at this is how to be in love with you (and her interrogation questions from its trial) in particular (as well as some other stuff), it says a lot about mahiru as a person, and in turn about her crime.

it's easy to miss underneath how friendly and cheerful she is with the other prisoners, how she seems like such a social butterfly, but... i don't think mahiru actually had a lot of connections other than her boyfriend, and i think this is a big factor in what happened with him. mahiru... seems lonely. like her life is... very empty. and i don't see people focus in on this fact a lot, despite how her first trial voicelines even say as much:

there's nothing left without him, and at least if she's here she can talk to es and the other prisoners. mahiru's interrogation questions paint a picture of someone who doesn't really have a lot in their life. when asked in t1's interrogation if there's someone she can confide in, mahiru's answer is the lady who works at the beauty parlor she goes to. this doesn't seem like the answer of someone who has close friends to talk to instead, at least to me. like. that's not... you'd think if she had friends she felt she could talk to, she'd have mentioned that here, right? that'd be the place to mention any close friends?

in this is how to be in love with you we see her spending days off at cafes alone, and she tells us about having hobbies that are generally solitary, we see her reading in the mv and interrogation reveals that prior to milgram her hobby was watching dramas. she tells us in interrogation that growing up, she was a sheltered girl. she also appears (taken from this is how to be in love with you) to have recently arrived in tokyo, meaning she may not know a lot of people there and has probably moved away from most of her family (though she does mention attending a relative's wedding).

i think part of the problem is that when mahiru meets her boyfriend... she doesn't appear to have much in the way of anyone else. mahiru is social, mahiru loves talking to people, mahiru doesn't really know how to act without copying others... and her boyfriend is the only person she's close with. she appears to be relying on him for almost all of her social connection.

as i just mentioned, she also has the habit of copying others, incessantly. the infamous "i'd smoke if my lover did too" interrogation answer, and again, the text in this is how to be in love with you...

(transcriptions into english from here!)

see the things that jump out here? "even though i'm just copying everyone else in everything. is that the right thing to be doing?", "i thought to buy the same bread he did", "i wasn't really thinking when i blurted out "me too", so now we run together". you can see this in the lyrics too. "i'm going to start relying on you if you're kind to me, so please forgive me!"

i think these are key traits in why her relationship went the way it did. i don't think mahiru is uniquely "toxic" or too needy/clingy in a way that means she can never have a relationship (and god, don't get me started on how i've seen people say this). i think she's obviously a highly social person, and was in a situation where she was relying on one person (assumedly with lower social needs than her) to fulfill all of her need for that. i think she's horribly anxious about losing that connection and having to be alone again, and she doesn't know how to deal with it other than to constantly (and annoyingly, disruptively) ask for reassurance. i think she bases herself on others and ignores her own desires in order to imitate them and/or do what they want, and if her boyfriend also didn't have a particularly strong sense of identity and/or also wasn't the type to stand up for himself, it would be really easy to get sucked into this horrible loop where you're both trying to copy and please each other and now you're both constantly putting aside what you actually like for the other person and neither of you are happy.

except mahiru is happy, or... she thinks she is, because she's happy to give herself up for love. she says as much herself: "we fought sometimes, i was happy to get hurt." but... there's something else in the lyrics, isn't there? "i pretended to be a good girl, i don't want to be "ok"". my take is that mahiru isn't getting what she wants/needs out of the relationship, and knows it on some level. but she isn't going to leave him, either, because she's decided this is true love and also if she did that she'd be alone again. so she hopes something will just change instead, or convinces herself that she is satisfied. but she's not. near the opening of this is how to be in love with you: "i guess we can just say that this feeling is happiness, i can't stop feeling like there's something missing." so she keeps pushing, she keeps trying, and... well. we know how that ends.

so after all this rambling, what's my point, exactly? i don't think either mahiru OR her boyfriend were any sort of perpetrator. nor were either of them a victim. i don't think the relationship fits neatly into that framework, even though milgram judged mahiru a murderer and her boyfriend to be her victim. i think there's a reading that doesn't need any of that: two people who seemed to get along well and have similar interests who got into a relationship, and who were actually incompatible in their deeper needs in a relationship. mahiru clings to this relationship despite this, because she needs it. because she can't be alone again. because having a boyfriend who fails to fulfill what she wants/needs is better than having nothing.

neither of them are bad people, nor (from what we can see and from my opinion on it) did either of them do anything particularly wrong. what makes the most sense to me is a competing access needs sort of situation. mahiru needs reassurance and a lot of attention/interaction (especially from a romantic partner, something she idolizes having because of how special you're supposed to be to each other!), while her boyfriend needs more space than what she's giving him... but mahiru, at least, definitely doesn't want to break up. so eventually, they end up in a situation where he feels there's only one way out.

i think this lens can be supported by what we see in i love you, too! note lyrics like "this can't go on, something's got to give", "why won't you just accept me", "mon-mon-monstrous, cuz i love you so much". and...

here's something else she says in i love you: "i don't need anyone else, as long as i have you." but the truth is... mahiru does need other people. the truth is that one person can't fix the underlying issue that mahiru is desperately lonely and has very few connections in her life. the truth is that it's incredibly unfair to rely on one person to fulfill all of your needs and to desperately insist upon staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone, and mahiru realizes this too late.

so. um. i've never really seen anyone else talk in too much detail about an interpretation of the character/situation like this. i see a lot of "they were both toxic" but i think that's a kind of weak simplification of it, you know? what is "toxic". it's bad, obviously. do we think they're bad people doing bad things, or just that the relationship was bad? is that "toxicity" inherent to them as people, or could things have gone better in a different relationship? are they both "toxic" or are they just both stuck in an incompatible relationship where neither of them are wrong but they are unable to meet each others' needs?

i don't know. it's 4am and i've been writing this for two hours and i'm honestly not sure if it's coherent or not. but to end this here's another footnote of something i cant stand people sleeping on about mahiru: she is so stupid forgiving of literally everything and it kind of kills me and i dont really see anyone else point this out as being a bad thing that could get her really hurt. like. she forgives kotoko for almost killing her and says she doesn't resent anyone for anything. she puts up with anything, as seen by what i mentioned about her desire to stay in the relationship with her boyfriend even though it was obviously not giving her what she needed and it was hurting her too! i think if mahiru had ended up in a relationship with a different guy, it would be entirely possible for her to be in an abusive relationship and refuse to leave it because of this particular tendency. and i don't see this mentioned much. probably because, again... mahiru's framed as a perpetrator. she killed her boyfriend, right? so obviously she's not the one who'd be hurt in a relationship.

ok. i'm done now i promise i am so done with this for real. um. if you read this whole thing thank you. i'm sorry it's so long or if it's incoherent in places. i just have a lot of thoughts about mahiru shiina

#milgram #fuck it im maintagging it. everyone read my long-ass mahiru post. get mahiru'd.#wow a theo original #mahiru shiina #asks #lizard-boot-camp

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