#together they could b my first toxic couple

[yongility]

NEO TV # I LIKE ME BETTER WHEN I'M WITH YOU. (jaehyun x reader) 3/?

genre: angst, suggestive, gang au, rich kid au, enemies to lovers (kinda), a lil of fluffy stuff. slowburn, series.

warnings: drug use mentions, gangs, fights, use of weapons, adult language, illegal activities, cheating (not on the main couple), toxic family environment, addictions, manipulation, insecurities, illegal street racing, death mentions. jeno is jaehyun's younger brother, angst, smut and if I slip something my bad haha.

word count: +10k?

a/n: I’m sorry this took too long to post!! 😭😭 but I been so busy with college rn, I’m going to graduate this year so I’m like having a lot of work lately, and I wasn’t satisfied with what I was writing so that was the reason it took longer than expected, sorry!

I'm a sucker for cliche stuff so as soon as this fic popped in my mind l had to write it down, english isn't my first language tho.

I'm sorry if this is too long TT, but this is kinda a slowburn? it might contain a lot of parts so wait for part 3! One of the reasons this is long af it's because I would like to show you how Jaehyun and (Y/N's life is before they get together! So pls pls don't skip anything I hope you like it!

if you want to be in the taglist, just lemme know;) enjoy!

The third day of the week arrived promptly, where (Y/N) found herself comfortably seated in one of the library chairs, with her chemistry books scattered on the table in front of her as she studied for the exams she had coming up, with Jungwoo beside her.

It was becoming her routine for the week; after last Friday's party, what she most desired was to avoid being at home, especially after having an argument with her mother when she returned from the party.

She didn't want to deal with her in a good time.

Annoyed that her mother had thought it was a great idea to take away her right to use her own car as punishment for disobeying her that night and leaving the house... staying in the library seemed the most pleasant option; with silence, able to listen to music through her AirPods, without her mother bothering her every five minutes and being able to review what she had learned in her last classes: it was something she could take advantage of. She took a sip of her vanilla latte, which had been sponsored by Jungwoo, who, in an attempt to apologize for abandoning her in that way during last Friday's party, promised to pay for each of her daily drinks for a week and a half, no matter the cost.

And even though (Y/N) could afford that or even triple, she was still happy about it. Gifted things tasted even better anyway.

Of course, she first gave Jungwoo a -no- beating after telling him everything that had happened during his absence, but still, she appreciated that her friend was okay even though she hadn't heard anything from him until Saturday night.

During these last few days, with a new routine, (Y/N) was almost always in the same places, at the same times, and if she was honest, she was surprised not to have bumped into Jung Jaehyun at any moment.

It was weird; she would normally see him somewhere around the school, either accompanied by Lucas or just sitting on one of the benches while smoking his 'n' cigarette of the day. But simply, since Friday, she hadn't heard anything from him... she hadn't even bumped into Lucas, which increased the level of strangeness, considering he was a social butterfly, he was always around. (Y/N) had been aware of her words after Jaehyun had taken her home: she could no longer continue with whatever deal they had, with all the stress of her own tasks and knowing that no matter what she did, her cousin wouldn't give up his addictions, it was best to give up.

Although it would hurt her soul to know that there was no way to help Daeho.

But thinking about it, she didn't know if she had really been sincere about each going their own way... apparently Jaehyun had taken it very seriously to not show up anywhere, and although (Y/N) knew very well that being close to him didn't bring her anything good... his presence hadn't been so bothersome in the last few days. Really, after sharing a few words and spending more time with him, she couldn't say that she disliked his existence. It was funny if you asked the (Y/N) from a month ago, there would be no way she could have imagined that, somehow, she would be related to none other than Jung Jaehyun, who, on the outside, just seemed to be one more problem.

She tried to stop thinking about it and tried to focus her gaze on the book in front of her, but after a few minutes... it was difficult for her. There was something inside her that made her feel uneasy but she couldn't think what it was.

"There’s a race in Kosmo today" her best friend's voice brought her out of her thoughts.

Kosmo was the neighborhood that was right in the middle of the city, dividing Kwangya and Neo Zone. (Y/N) knew that there were usually illegal races in that area because it was when the rich kids from Kwangya usually dared to compete against Neo Zone.

"And why should I care...?"

"Your cousin will go to bet," Jungwoo replied, interrupting her study session.

The girl opened her eyes in surprise and asked, "How do you know?"

"Daeho told Mingi, and Mingi told me," he replied simply, shrugging his shoulders. The boy fell silent for a moment and cleared his throat. "Don’t you want to go?" He asked curiously.

(Y/N) looked up from her books and observed her friend incredulously. "Why would I want to go?"

"To keep an eye on Daeho," he answered.

"I'm still mad with him, I've decided not to help him anymore. I really tried, I've been trying for the past few years, but he doesn't want help and now I understand," the girl confessed, closing her book and letting out a sigh.

"Still... don't you think it would be fun? Getting out of our comfort zone a bit... seeing what all this racing stuff is about. I've heard they're amazing," Jungwoo insisted.

"Jungwoo, my mom will kill me if she finds out I went to an illegal race," the girl continued, taking a sip of her coffee.

"She won't find out."

"Jungwoo..."

"Come on, (Y/N), we won't even be in Neo Zone, it'll be in Kwangya only. We'll go, watch the race, and leave. We won't even make contact with anyone. We'll go on our own," the boy assured her, moving closer to her. "Please, I think it would be interesting to break out of our routine, just for one night, what could go wrong?"

"Many things could go wrong, Woo," she replied.

"We won't know unless we try," he pouted, clasping his hands together. "Please."

She hated how persuasive her best friend was.

She sighed and shook her head. "Fine, but at the first sign of trouble, we're leaving without a second thought."

"I love you so much," Jungwoo replied, hugging her shoulders.

"And I really hate you."

______________________________________________

The night fell faster than she expected, and among the roar of engines and the intense music that could be heard on the outskirts of Kosmo, (Y/N) felt something cold run through her body.

She could see familiar faces here and there, some of her classmates from Kwangya were in the place, and from the opposite side, the cars and familiar faces of Neo Zone were present.

It was a strange atmosphere for her; she had always played it safe, and now she didn't even know what to think. She felt herself getting closer to Jungwoo to not lose him, the last thing she needed was for them to separate like they did at the party.

She didn't think she could survive alone.

And it's not that she was dumb to think otherwise, but her parents raised her in an environment where they made her believe that she shouldn't do things outside her daily life. (Y/N) was afraid of adventures. Her life was governed by being obedient and doing the right thing; she didn't know when the moment of rebellion she had a few days ago when she left home the night of the party had been wise.

And now finding herself in Kosmo secretly from her mother at an illegal race? She must have gone crazy.

She believed even more so that she had gone crazy when something inside her hoped to run into none other than Jung Jaehyun.

She didn't understand why the urgency of what was happening, and even less why she expected to run into Jaehyun before running into Daeho.

Maybe it was because she found it strange not to have seen him since last Friday's party.

But she knew that if there was one place Jaehyun wouldn't miss... it would be the race tonight.

"Are you looking for Daeho?" Jungwoo asked when he saw her looking around. "He's probably with Mingi."

How could she explain to her friend that the person she was looking for was none other than Jung Jaehyun?

She nodded without saying more, and they both continued on their way while cautiously observing their surroundings. The smell of marijuana and car engines was embedded in the place, the music made their ears ring, and the night breeze made their bodies tremble.

(Y/N)'s eyes drifted away when she noticed Lucas in the distance, having a conversation with another guy. Lucas felt her gaze on him and looked at the girl with confusion before approaching her after apologizing to his companion.

"Hey, Kwangya kiddos, what brings you here on this magnificent night?" Lucas asked enthusiastically.

"We wanted to know what these races are about," Jungwoo replied simply.

"Hmm, interesting," the tall guy nodded. "Well, you're in luck, Jaehyun will race today, are you sure you want to see the show? The best of the area against someone from Yellow Wood," Lucas explained while cracking his fingers slightly.

Upon hearing the guy's name, (Y/N) looked up and paid attention to Lucas's words.

"If you're interested in betting, come to me," Lucas advised.

"I think we're fine like this," said (Y/N).

"Alright, take care. I'll go look for my guy to get him ready for the race," Lucas announced as he patted Jungwoo on the back.

The guy walked away from them with a smile, and Jungwoo responded with one of his own, then he looked at his friend and frowned, "relax, you're anxious."

How could she not be?

But before she could even answer anything, a few meters away, she saw the familiar face she had been looking for. In the distance, the silhouette of Jung Jaehyun was leaning against his car while talking to a few guys from Neo Zone, his neck tattoos weren't very visible due to the darkness of the night but she could distinguish them a bit, then... as if he had called him, Jaehyun's gaze moved to connect with hers, making her freeze in place.

Jaehyun frowned when he saw her standing just a few steps away from him, looking like a lost puppy as she stood beside Jungwoo.

The sight reminded him of a month ago when Daeho had clumsily brought (Y/N) to Neo Zone. Although this time she was accompanied by her best friend, another rich and spoiled kid from Kwangya. He observed the outfit she had decided to wear, once again, just like that time, it wasn't extravagant, no famous brand could be seen in her attire, and the only piece of jewelry she wore was a pair of earrings that definitely looked like gold...

He hoped she wouldn't lose them tonight.

Because they made her look good.

The surprise was evident on the girl's face when she took a better look at the brunet's body, who was now walking towards her, wearing a hoodie with its hood over his head and as he got closer, the darkness of the night was no longer so intrusive. It hadn't been enough to hide the bruises that were scattered across his body.

There was one under his cheek, just below his left eye, and it was reddish, as if it were flushed. Then, looking at the ones between his jaw and his neck, she noticed how they subtly mixed with the ink of the tattoo he had on his neck. That one was difficult to distinguish thanks to the dark lines that adorned that part of his body, but if you paid enough attention, it was alarming.

When she lowered her gaze over his torso and then looked at his hands, she could see the intense shades of red that his knuckles contained, as if ground blood had accumulated on each of them.

It wasn't the first time she had seen Jaehyun or Lucas with a bruise or two on a school day, but it was the first time she had seen it up close.

Her heart was pounding a mile a minute. Why was it suddenly doing this?

"Did you lost your way home?" Jaehyun asked when he was in front of her.

"Jaehyun," she muttered quietly, "... are you okay?"

The girl didn't need much to realize that was the stupidest question she could ask right now, of course he wasn't okay. And although she knew this happened regularly in Jaehyun's life, she couldn't help but fill her head with doubts; what had to happen for him to end up like this?

... was that the reason he hadn't gone to school?

A small smile appeared on the boy's face, and even with the different colors decorating his face, she could still notice the dimples that formed in it.

Why did he still look good?

"I don't think you came here to ask that, Angel," Jaehyun replied mockingly. "I really believed in your whole story about us going on our ways, so what are you doing at a race where most of the spectators are from Neo Zone?"

The girl was left speechless. "Jungwoo brought me here."

"Well, if that's the case, enjoy the races, I think it'll be fun for you to spice up your Wednesday nights a bit," he continued with a sarcastic smile.

"What happened to you?" She asked again.

Jaehyun didn't answer.

He had gotten himself into big trouble... all thanks to Jeno.

He had trusted that all his merchandise would be sold by the time Monday came around, but after being at Johnny Suh's party, where other dealers were also present, he didn't manage to sell what he needed.

He had a little less than half left in his pockets and in Lucas's.

Luck had not been on his side this time, and when he had to be accountable to Lee Sooman, he had to take responsibility for his brother's actions. And despite telling him that he would not take care of him like he used to after the argument they had... he'd much rather take the beatings he had received than see Jeno the way he did in the mirror.

That time, it really felt eternal. He still remembers the angry (but also mocking) look Sooman had on his face when Jaehyun and Lucas brought the money to his office and after asking Lucas none too kindly to leave, that was when Jaehyun knew what was coming.

With Cheol Uk by his side, leading him out of the office to the vacant lot not far from the warehouse, Jaehyun could do nothing but accept what was coming.

It was one blow after another, and he knew well that at that moment, defending himself was not something he should do or he would end up worse.

He remembers feeling every punch with tremendous pain, and all he could think about was Jeno and how he would have felt if it had been him getting beaten up.

At least Jaehyun was used to the beatings and had no choice; he already knew that all of this was part of being someone from Neo Zone, so he simply had to continue to comply with what Sooman demanded to the letter unless he wanted to end up again in the position he was in.

What felt like hours was really just a few minutes; Cheol Uk stopped hitting him after a while and without saying more, he left. Leaving Jaehyun in the middle of the vacant lot with a broken lip and eyebrow as he spat blood and reached for his abdomen for some support to get up and walk to where he knew Lucas was waiting for him.

How much more? How much longer would he have to keep with all of this?

But, right now, it wasn't something he should talk about.

"It's really not something you need to know," he replied with a smirk. "You came to enjoy the race, right? Then do it, I'll be running in a few minutes, if you don't get scared by the atmosphere here before that, I'm sure you'll want to see me," Jaehyun continued, winking at her.

"I think it'll be fun to see you in second place," the girl teased.

"Baby... I always win," Jaehyun bragged, looking her directly in the eyes.

It was then that the girl didn't say anything else, she just kept her gaze on his. She hated feeling intrigued by Jaehyun himself. Because right now she didn't even feel like she was in Kosmo, with Jaehyun in front of her looking directly at her, she didn't even feel real. She was getting into fire and she knew it.

And she didn't know if she could escape from it.

For a moment she felt a heaviness on her shoulders and warmth surrounded her, causing her to snap out of her thoughts and notice that the jacket that Jaehyun was wearing over his hoodie was now over her body.

"You were trembling like a chihuahua," Jaehyun explained. "Don't consider it an act of kindness, I'm just returning the favor after having done my jobs those two weeks... at least now they won't kick me out of school this evaluation period," he continued.

"I'm not sure if I should feel good knowing that I'm indirectly helping an illegal business," she replied, adjusting the jacket.

"No one needs to know," he replied. "Good luck tonight, don't get lost too much because things get interesting," he said, and without further ado, he turned around to go back to his friends.

(Y/N) stood perplexed in her place, and it was then that she felt Jungwoo's presence next to her.

"What was that?"

"I have no idea."

_______________________________________________

The next morning, after putting her books back in her backpack, (Y/N) looked at the jacket folded inside her bag, feeling a heaviness and remembering the events of the previous night.

The rumors were true... Jung Jaehyun was the best street racer in the area, because he not only competed once the day before, but two more times, winning 3 victories in a short time, and to be honest, it had been impressive.

She hadn't run into him again after the brief conversation they had, and even though she had been waiting for it... she and Jungwoo bolted from the place when they heard the police sirens approaching Kosmo.

The last thing she needed was for her parents to find out about her escapade.

She didn't hear anything from Daeho the night before, she even doubted if he had really gone to the race.

She didn't want to give too much importance to the situation, which is why she chose to continue her path through the school hallways, hoping to return the jacket that was at the bottom of her bag and trying to divert her thoughts to something other than Jaehyun.

And as if she had summoned him, she saw him under the entrance roof as he leaned against the wall and took a drag from the cigarette in his hands. (Y/N) checked the day's weather and cursed when she noticed the raindrops falling lightly. She had forgotten about today's forecast.

Jaehyun was lost in his thoughts as he watched the rain and let out the smoke in his chest.

The bruises were still visible.

She stopped abruptly to take the jacket out of her bag and, without saying anything, approached him and handed it back to him.

Jaehyun looked at her with a raised eyebrow and blew out the smoke from his lungs.

"You're welcome," Jaehyun said as he took the jacket in his hands.

"Yes, thank you," she said, feeling her cheeks flush.

"Where did you park your car?" Jaehyun asked out of nowhere.

"I didn't bring it with me, my mom confiscated it," she blurted out without thinking, and when she turned to look at Jaehyun, she noticed a mocking smile on his face.

"Oh, mom took away your Porsche," he pouted mockingly and shook his head. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"I'm fine, Jaehyun. Thanks," she said as she looked at the rain.

"Come on, it wouldn't be the first time I've taken you. Plus, the school won't be closing anytime soon."

She thought about all the possibilities that crossed her mind, but something about her was excited to think about the ride home.

"Where's your car?"

______________________________________________

It was fortunate that his car was nearby.

Jaehyun turned on the heater as soon as they got into the car, and without further ado, the journey began.

It was just like the first time they had been together in the same car. Without saying anything, both with their eyes focused on the road, and it was then that they both realized that they didn't have a topic of conversation. The few times they had interacted had been about their interests and what they needed from each other at the moment. However, Jaehyun didn't know anything about (Y/N) that he hadn't heard at school, and (Y/N) didn't know anything about Jaehyun that she hadn't heard in the hallways or from her parents about the people from Neo Zone.

At this point, they weren't even acquaintances.

They had just coincided in something and that was it.

(Y/N) took the opportunity to send a text message to Jungwoo and tell him that he no longer needed to pick her up, without explaining more, she sent the text and subsequently, Jaehyun's phone rang.

The boy sighed and cautiously looked for a quick place to park even with the sound of the mobile phone ringing filling the car. He took the device and (Y/N) could notice the slight tension that seized Jaehyun's body as he read the caller ID, without thinking twice he answered the call.

The brunette felt weird being able to hear Jaehyun's conversation, so she tried to distract herself with something else. First with her phone, then looking out the window where she could see the rain beginning to dissipate, and then she could hear a "I'll be there in a moment" that made her react and turn to see him end the call.

The boy scratched his neck and then brought his hands to his face to rub it, let out a deep sigh, and looked at (Y/N).

“Uh, I need to do something quickly and your house is still a bit far... Do you mind if we stop by that place first? It's on the way” he asked with no other option.

“Does this has to do with your job?” She asked.

It took him a moment to respond: — No, it's not about my job. You can stay in the car, it's just that, I really need to get there.

After seeing Jaehyun's face and not being able to decipher what he was trying to say, (Y/N) nodded, not very sure, and that was enough for Jaehyun to quickly start the car.

Thousands of thoughts ran through (Y/N)'s mind. Eager to know where they were headed; she didn't know if she should believe Jaehyun that this wasn't about picking up or delivering goods or meeting someone who worked on the same thing he did.

She was only sure they wouldn't go to Neo Zone because they were far from there.

She could see how impatient Jaehyun seemed while driving, and that only made her even more nervous. What exactly did they tell him in that call to make him like this? She wanted to ask, but she knew she wouldn't get an answer.

She didn't know how many minutes had passed, she only knew that the rain stopped just before the car parked and she finally noticed where they were. A gray building was a few meters away from them, and it wasn't hard to recognize it.

It was the National Rehabilitation Center.

A long and large building, which was accompanied by an extensive garden, and from the outside, you could see that there were a huge number of rooms inside it.

Her head was flooded with even more questions knowing that this was the place where Jaehyun was needed.

“You can stay in the car if you want. I'll be back in a moment” Jaehyun said as he opened the car door and got out.

Curiosity got the better of her.

And that's why she got out of the car and followed Jaehyun. Without saying anything, they entered the building where they were immediately greeted by a nurse who seemed to know the boy well.

“Jaehyun, I'm glad you were able to answer the call” said the woman as she greeted them. “We need to talk to you”.

The boy nodded and turned to (Y/N), who just nodded and said, “I’ll wait for you.”

He smiled slightly and walked with the person until they reached the reception where she was able to pull out a few papers.

It had been, perhaps, about two weeks since the last time he had been there. A place he was very familiar with and where he regularly went; he had become good friends with the friendly nurses who apparently didn't care where he came from.

He was grateful that the nurse didn't say anything when his bruises and wounds were clearly visible.

“Has something happened?” he asked after a few seconds.

“ He's fine” the nurse said with a smile “but we need to talk to you about his stay here” she continued.

That's when the small smile on his face disappeared. Jaehyun knew what she was referring to. He swallowed hard before the nurse could speak.

“The payment is overdue, Jaehyun," the nurse confirmed what he already knew. "We care about Sicheng's health, but this is not my concern. You know that the center relies on patients' monthly payments, and the administrators in charge of them request them punctually," she commented as she handed Jaehyun one of the papers. "I understand your situation and Sicheng's, but there's nothing more I can do even if I wanted to; I've tried to delay the payment as much as I could, but unfortunately, it can't be delayed any longer. The administrators expect the payment soon, or we'll have to discharge Sicheng and send him home," she concluded.

It was difficult at first for Jaehyun to process everything the nurse had said, as more than ten things ran through his mind at once; one of them being his good friend Winwin, then, thinking about how he could quickly get the money he knew he owed to the clinic, considering the beating he had just received for not being able to complete a sale. So, what would he do? He still needed half the money for that monthly payment, and between the clinic's expenses and those of his own house for his family, he couldn't see a way to get the money on time.

He would have to ask for more stash to sell if he wanted to do it.

He couldn't let them discharge Sicheng.

Not while he hasn't made progress.

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun said. "I... I still have a little left to complete the payment. It's just that lately, it's been harder, and... how much time do I have to pay it?" the breathless boy asked.

"Considering that it's only the first few days of the month, and the payment is already two weeks late... I can't give you more than three days," lamented the nurse, making a grimace.

"I'll try the impossible to bring you that money on Saturday. Sicheng still can't be discharged; he hasn't progressed the way he was supposed to," he affirmed, a slight pout evident in his mouth.

What a contrast there was between his expression and the bruises, accompanied by the tattoos on his body.

Being in the Rehabilitation Center was the place where he could be most vulnerable.

"How is he?" he asked, lowering his gaze.

"Same as the last time you came to visit him," commented the nurse. "We're doing what we can, Jaehyun, but as long as he stays the way he is, we can't move forward. We need his will to help him."

When no words came out of his mouth, the nurse continued: "Jaehyun, you know you can go see him."

For Jaehyun, each visit was just as difficult as the day he decided to admit Sicheng to that clinic, and each one left him more tormented than the previous.

He would give everything if that means that Sicheng would go back to be himself.

He nodded after a few seconds and cautiously glanced back, where, not far away, (Y/N) was reading some brochures and observing the facilities around them; when she noticed the boy's gaze on her body, she walked toward him carefully.

The brunette didn't really know what came to his mind or what caused those words to come out of his mouth, but when he wanted to back off, it was too late, because they had already been expressed.

"Are you coming with me?"

And although (Y/N) had no idea why they were there or where they were going, she accepted anyway. So they found themselves walking down the long whitewashed hallway until they reached an elevator, and then they went up about three floors.

The atmosphere was cold, the hallways and rooms were well-lit, and they could see a few nurses and what she assumed were doctors walking around in their lab coats.

Jaehyun didn't know why he was allowing himself to show her that part of his life, especially when it was such a fragile part for him. He had tried to protect it cautiously for the past few months, and now he was there, accompanied by Hwang (Y/N), with the person he never thought he would meet at that moment.

He hadn't really thought of her when he asked if they could go there before going home; his head was only thinking about the clinic and Sicheng when the call had ended, and it was too late to change his mind when they had set off.

He just hoped the girl would be discreet enough.

They reached room 119, where Jaehyun pushed the door open and where in a wheelchair, they both could see Winwin, who was facing the large window of his room, looking outside.

(Y/N)'s surprised face did not go unnoticed; she was confused in a thousand ways. She knew who Dong Sicheng was; everyone in her school knew him, however... she thought he had simply left the city. She had no idea he was in that place. So in her head, thousands of questions arose about him, why he was there, and why he was in a wheelchair.

She could only react when she heard Jaehyun's voice: "Hey, buddy. How are you today?"

Nothing.

That's what he received.

Jaehyun walked over to him, and when he stood next to him, he crouched down enough to be able to observe him better. Winwin had his gaze fixed forward, his cheeks were a little rosy, his hair fell over his forehead, and his hands were resting on his legs.

Jaehyun sighed.

"Oh, I see you've taken a shower today," the boy mentioned with a smile, and again, there was not a single response.

When he noticed the presence of the girl, who had remained in her place throughout the visit and hesitated to approach them, he spoke: "Today I'm not alone; I brought company. Maybe you'll find it helpful to hear another voice that isn't mine or Lucas's... or the nurses'," the boy teased and gestured to the brunette to come closer, who obeyed. "Do you remember (Y/N)? She was in our class; we've coincided a couple of times, that's why she's here."

"Hello, Winwin," she greeted softly. Jaehyun made a grimace and stood up from his place to be at the girl's height.

"Don't expect an answer," Jaehyun commented. "There won't be one."

"I thought... I thought Winwin had moved to China," (Y/N) confessed.

Jaehyun snorted: "Yes, that's what everyone thinks."

Those words took her by surprise, and it was when she decided to remain silent, watching from a distance the little interaction between the boys: it was just Jaehyun saying a few words while adjusting Sicheng's hair without expecting any response.

Dong Sicheng and Jung Jaehyun had been friends since birth, being two little boys who grew up on the streets of Neo Zone, it was easy to click with each other. Winwin's parents had decided to move to the infamous area after his father had met Lee Sooman in some low neighborhood in Wenzhou, China, and he had offered him a job where he could have his family at least a little better off than in his country.

Winwin had not joined the gang since it had not been of great urgency to him; his father was the active member needed by the family, and if he were honest... the farthest he could be from the Neo Zone gang... the better. He was always Jaehyun's companion at all times. Best friends who shared every detail of their lives for years, Jaehyun took care of Sicheng, and he provided the most sincere friendship he had ever had... then, a while later, Lucas Wong and Mark Lee joined their adventures.

Four boys from Neo Zone with the desire to conquer the world, but unable to leave their sad reality behind.

Jaehyun still remembers that fateful day a year ago, and he still feels like it happened yesterday.

The guilt gnawed at him every passing day, terrorizing each of his nights as he wondered: Why?

Why did something like that have to happen to someone as good as Dong Sicheng was?

A year ago, when Jaehyun had chosen to go deliver a package of stash after Winwin had asked him to stay and keep him company, and he had denied that request... that decision still drilled into his head.

Winwin's family and he had been robbed in their own home. Knowing who had done it, the reasons for the event, and who had ordered such inhumanity, were still a mystery. When Winwin's parents along with him tried to flee the place by leaving in a car; it had not been the wisest decision they had made at the moment... because not long after, outside of Neo Zone, after the group of people who had robbed their home managed to shoot a clean shot in one of the tires of the rear part of the car, causing Winwin's father to lose control of his own vehicle and not a few meters later it would impact hard enough for the car to be shot in another direction, causing immediate damage.

Jaehyun only remembers receiving a call from Lucas and minutes later finding himself at the entrance to the Emergency Room of the General Hospital, where a stretcher with Winwin's body was being transported.

He remembers seeing the blood. He remembers hearing Lucas and Mark's screams asking to see their friend. He remembers standing still at the entrance to the Emergency Room.

But above all, he remembers thinking, what would have happened if instead of deciding to go sell that stupid package of stash, what if he had stayed at home with his mother and Sicheng?

A week in a coma and a diagnosis of paraplegia was what made Jaehyun lose his mind.

It had been a year since the accident, and Winwin had not even progressed a bit. After being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, it had been difficult to help the injury in the dorsal spine that he had suffered; the damage had been partial, Winwin could handle his movements and his sensitivity to walk again... if only he would come out of the state of shock he was still in.

There were too many things he experienced in so few minutes, so much physical and mental pain for what happened, that now, Sicheng couldn't react.

It had been a year since Sicheng hasn’t spoken.

The doctors assured that he could hear and understand everything, but he was simply mentally tired to process the words and make them come out of his mouth.

His body didn't react as it should either.

And until Winwin had the strength of his own will to do it, the only thing they could do at that clinic was to keep him on medication so that the pains would not persist.

But Jaehyun couldn't take it anymore.

What he would give for Sicheng to be able to enjoy life again.

Unfortunately, the visits he made to the hospital... didn't last more than half an hour since that was the place's regulation. So, his farewell was as quick as his arrival.

"See you on Saturday, Win," he put his hand on his shoulder. "Don't give the nurses too much trouble."

He could swear he heard Winwin laugh and say goodbye.

Even though that really didn't happen.

(Y/N), who throughout the visit remained silent observing both boys, could feel her heart in her hand. She had never believed she would see that vulnerability on Jaehyun's part, and knowing what it was about because of the importance his best friend had in his life, made her heart ache with sadness even more.

"Now I'll take you home," murmured Jaehyun when he passed by her without saying anything else.

The girl glanced back, looking for the last time at Sicheng's silhouette, who hadn't moved from the same place since they had both arrived in the room. She took a deep breath and left the room when Jaehyun was already far enough away.

She didn't know what to say. There were no words of comfort for the situation, and she knew it, that's why they both silently said goodbye to the nurse who had received them and continued like that until they entered the car, which was not parked far away.

Jaehyun allowed himself to lean back on the driver's seat as he closed his eyes and sighed heavily.

"I guess you have many questions," Jaehyun said without opening his eyes.

She had.

"I don't know if I really should ask them," (Y/N) confessed as she looked at him.

The boy remained silent for a few seconds.

"Sicheng and his parents had an accident a year ago," Jaehyun said, opening his eyes to look at her. "An accident that was caused."

"By whom?"

"No one knows," he replied, taking his hands to the steering wheel of the car and squeezing it tightly. "His parents died instantly... Winwin arrived at the hospital in critical condition; it was a miracle that he came out alive."

"Why...?"

"Why is he in this clinic?" he interrupted, and she nodded with a knot in her stomach. "The accident had a great impact and damaged on his dorsal spine; the doctors diagnosed partial paraplegia; his sensitivity in his legs was minimal, and he couldn't make any extensive movements with his legs that didn't make him cry from the pain. After seven days, he woke up from the coma and realized everything that had happened, including my uncle's death... he hasn't said a single word since then... the doctors said it would take time for him to recover, and that eventually, he would speak, but Winwin doesn't have the will to do it; he's still in a kind of state of shock, and that has delayed his recovery," he explained, unable to see her in the eyes.

"Who... who pays for all this if Sicheng's parents aren't here?" she asked curiously.

Jaehyun sighed; "For the first few months, my boss covered part of the monthly fee, until suddenly he stopped doing it. Since then, I've been taking care of it."

The girl's expression was one of surprise.

"How do you do it?"

"That’s the reason I'm in the business that I'm in," he replied, changing his gaze to her, being able to see directly into her eyes and causing her to feel a shiver run through her body.

There was something about those bruised eyes that had done something to her.

"It must be hard," the girl said in a murmur.

Jaehyun snorted and nodded slowly. He hated being seen in his less tough character. The only person he allowed himself to be like that with was Lucas... or Winwin. And for a stranger to see him like that... made his blood boil.

"You know? Winwin loved dancing," Jaehyun said, smiling sideways as the memory came to his mind.

That fact wasn't strange for (Y/N), she remembers seeing Winwin at the school theater... the only boy from Neo Zone who was part of the dance team. She didn't even know how he had managed that, but he must have been good if the Kwangya students allowed him to be in the group.

"Now nobody knows if he'll be able to do it again," Jaehyun continued. "Winwin was the only one of all of us who really had a future, he wasn't even a gang member... he hadn't even gone through his initiation, and look how he ended up."

(Y/N) swallowed.

"Mark Lee is no longer friends with you, right?" The girl asked curiously.

"Things got complicated with him after the accident."

The brunette fell silent for a moment and then shifted her body to face him.

“Haven't you thought about looking for another alternative?” she questioned again “You know? If you let me help you, maybe I could get you a position at my father's company and...”

“Shh. I think I've told you it's not that easy.”

“ But it could be” she insisted.

Jaehyun scoffed and shook his head as he looked away from her.

“I not only have to cover this quota, I also have to bring money home, for my mom and for Jeno. It's the easiest way to get what I need” he confessed “besides, I told you once... in Neo Zone there's no way out, once you're in, you're in forever.”

The tattoos on his neck were what sentenced him to a miserable life forever.

But as long as that miserable life helped to ease the pain and managed to make Sicheng return to who he was, it would be worth it.

“It doesn't have to be like this” she murmured, focusing on her own hands.

"You don't know what it's like to be part of this," he countered in a low voice.

How had they opened up to have such a conversation so suddenly?

The girl felt her lip tremble as she remembered the scene she had witnessed minutes earlier in that room, and she couldn't help but think about how it would feel to lose a loved one in such a way... knowing that physically they were present, but mentally they weren't there.

(Y/N) had always had a heart easy to move, but she really never believed that Jung Jaehyun would be able to achieve that.

"Is that why you insist on continuing school?" she asked, looking at him again.

"Students are my best clients," he replied with a half smile.

(Y/N) didn't know how to take that.

She closed her eyes for a moment and then said, "I can help you with a few more assignments," she assured. "But only for a while and in my own way. But, I don't want you to involve me in any of the problems you're in, it will only be school matters. I don't want to be associated with anything you do, if anything you do is enough to help Sicheng, I'll try not to question it."

Jaehyun couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"If that helps you help me and me stay in school..." he paused "...I might be willing."

"What's the reason for your change of heart?"

"Because if I were in the same situation as you, I would also want someone to somehow help me," she replied, hugging herself.

The boy nodded with a half-smile, and without further ado, he started the car.

"Only school matters," Jaehyun confirmed.

She definitely didn't know what he had just gotten himself into.

______________________________________________

The day after the visit to the National Rehabilitation Center, something happened that made (Y/N) unable to concentrate enough during class hours. Her mind kept going back to the place over and over again, but how horrible was the situation the boy was in. One day you're capable, and the next... not even being able to move. How could anyone endure that?

At some point in the morning, during the physics period, her mind was spinning, her leg moving anxiously, and she bit her lips. She tried to erase the conversation she and Jaehyun had had the day before a thousand times and tried to erase the image of Winwin in that room.

But it was impossible.

Just when she thought she had succeeded, the image returned immediately.

She hated being someone who cared too much about things.

Because she knew something wasn't right with her when she found herself in front of the doors of the Rehabilitation Center.

Her coat shielded her from the cold breeze on that day, and as she clutched her bag to her, she didn't think anymore and entered the place.

She felt a little out of place when she entered the center, but after a few minutes, a presence came in front of her.

"Hello, good morning," the nurse greeted her. "Oh, you're the girl who accompanied Jaehyun yesterday, right?" She asked in confusion.

The girl smiled and nodded. "Yes, I'm Hwang (Y/N). I'm Jaehyun's classmate... and Winwin's."

"How nice of you to visit us... are you here to see Winwin? It's rare to see someone come for him other than Lucas or Jaehyun," confessed the nurse.

"Um, yes... I could say I'm here for a visit," the girl smiled. "But, to be honest... yesterday I overheard a bit of his conversation with Jaehyun... I know Winwin's payment is delayed this month."

"Yes, usually Jaehyun finds a way to pay on time," she sighed. "But this month it's been delayed for a few weeks, and if I'm honest, I've been doing everything I can to keep Winwin from being discharged."

The girl nodded and asked, "Do you think Winwin's treatment will still take time?"

"I can't answer that accurately," admitted the nurse. "It's all a matter of Winwin's will, but to be honest, right now he has no will at all, so far as we're concerned, and if the payment continues to be monthly... he could spend another half a year here."

The girl understood the situation, and although she would like to think more about it... she didn't, so she didn't even know when she blurted out those words: "Is there any way I can pay for the next six months?"

The nurse's eyes widened with surprise, and she looked at the girl with enthusiasm. "Are you serious?"

"Yes," she replied. "I would like to help one of my classmates as long as I can. Money is not a problem," she confessed.

"Wow... thank you, i really appreciate that. Winwin is a boy with a lot of potential from what we know, and although we're sad that we haven't made the progress we want, we know that someday he will leave through that door better," (Y/N) smiled nostalgically.

"I just need to ask you something," the brunette confessed. "Could you not tell Jaehyun that I've paid?" she questioned.

"I don't know if it's easy to lie to someone like Jaehyun," the nurse laughed. "But since it's something good you've done... I'll try," the nurse walked to the desk with (Y/N) behind her. "(Y/N)?" She called and paid attention. "I know there may be many things about Jaehyun... but he's a good guy... beneath all that facade; he really has something good."

Those words hammered in her head. "Thank you."

_____________________________________________

(Y/N) reviewed the same line of text she had read five times now on some molasses topic. Trying to understand the topic deeply.

The air coming lightly through one of the library windows was enough for her to try to hug herself to take warmth, read a bit from the physics books on the table, and impatiently move her leg.

She didn't know at what exact moment a tall figure stood in front of her, but what she did know was that that person didn't seem very happy.

"Why did you do it?" Jaehyun let out while looking directly at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about," (Y/N) replied while looking at her book attentively.

"I know you know. I thought I told you I don't need your money," Jaehyun repeated with annoyance.

"I still don't know what you're talking about," the girl stopped seeing her book and changed her gaze to the boy.

"Don't play with me," the boy exclaimed exasperatedly. "Why did I went to the center today and they told me Winwin's treatment has been paid for the next six months?"

The girl shrugged. "It could have been your boss."

"My boss doesn't give a shit about Winwin!" Exclaimed the boy. "I told you I didn't need your money, I was clear, I don't want to owe anything to anyone from Kwangya."

"You don't need to pay me back," the girl assured, standing up in front of Jaehyun. "With the money you'll save from that, you'll be able to sell less."

"It seems you don't understand a fucking thing!" Jaehyun raised your arms with annoyance. "Paying or not paying for Sicheng's treatment, it doesn't change the fact that I sell drugs!" The boy explained regardless of where they were; they were lucky the library wasn't being occupied by other people.

"Everyone starts somewhere!" the girl attacked. "I just wanted to take a weight off your shoulders."

Jaehyun scoffed and looked at her with a sarcastic smile.

"Why? I don't need your pity! If you hadn't accompanied me yesterday, you'd still be thinking Winwin had moved to China! You didn't give a fucking damn even when he was your classmate!"

(Y/N) started gathering her things and putting them in her backpack.

"Saying thank you would have been enough, Jaehyun!" the girl remarked. "I know you can do better with your life," she murmured as she turned to look at him.

Jaehyun's blood was boiling; he hated when people interfered in his life, as if he didn't already have enough to deal with.

"You don't know anything about me! You said it yourself; we're not even friends," he retorted.

"And what if I want to get to know you better?" the girl exclaimed without thinking. They both fell silent, staring into each other's eyes. (Y/N) didn't even want to say those words, but she did.

She couldn't deny that Jung Jaehyun was intriguing. She didn't know why. She didn't know why she had been avoiding him for weeks, but since that night at Neo Zone, when they had talked about the deal, she knew it would be difficult to shake him off, and when she had... something inside her wanted them to meet again. Why are things so difficult? They are two different people from different backgrounds; why would she suddenly be interested in him? Was it because she saw him vulnerable the day before? Or was it because she believed there was something good in him, just like the nurse had said?

She must be crazy to think like that.

"You really don't want to do it," Jaehyun said with a bit more calmness.

"I know you can get out out of that hole, Jaehyun."

"Winwin's parents tried, and look how that ended up!" he exclaimed. "There's no way out in Neo Zone, get that through your head," he explained. "There's nothing good about me. I don't even know why you think so, just because yesterday you saw something different or because I drove you home a couple of times, doesn't mean you know everything about me!"

"Stop acting like a fucking jerk."

"Like a jerk? This is reality! Your act of charity isn't going to change my life. I was born a dealer, and that's how my life will end!"

"I really believe there's something good in you."

"Well, keep believing it."

"If you ever feel grateful, you know where to find me," the girl said, gathering her things and walking out of the library.

Jaehyun cursed under his breath and shook his hands in frustration. In just a few days, the girl had managed to push his buttons faster than anyone else from Neo Zone.

But when he saw her walk out the door, why did he feel regret for lashing out at her?

_______________________________________________

The week had been slow this time. (Y/N) and Jaehyun had been avoiding each other like the plague, not even looking at each other when they crossed paths in the hallway. For the girl, it seemed like childish behavior, especially coming from Jaehyun and his usual façade; now he seemed nothing more than someone throwing a tantrum after she only wanted to help him.

But she still thought she really wanted to get to know him better.

What was behind his façade? What was it that made him who he was? Not the boy from Neo Zone, not the dealer everyone knew... who was Jeong Jaehyun really?

That question had been on her mind for weeks, and it disappointed her a bit to know that she might never know the answers to those doubts she had about the boy.

Today was warm compared to the weather last week. The sun was shining brightly, and luckily for (Y/N), her mother had decided to return her car. So her day had started off on the right foot, and hoping for a good day, she took the opportunity to stop by her favorite coffee shop in Kwangya. Ordering her usual vanilla latte and just before it was time to pay, a thought invaded her mind, and after debating it internally, she decided to follow her thoughts.

An hour and a half later, when she was the last one to leave her physics class, someone blocked her path at the classroom door. Holding her book to her chest, after the unexpected startle, she looked ahead to find no one but Jaehyun. Who stood silently in front of her, with the same leather jacket he used to wear, the same combination of marijuana and vanilla scent, and with the same enchanting eyes, that she had just noticed.

She was in dangerous territory.

And she knew it.

"I need to go to my next class, Jaehyun," the girl said shortly.

For a few seconds, the boy in front of her didn't say anything, he just watched her, until he sighed and slowly said, "Thank you."

Short and to the point, he didn't say anything else, and that was enough to make (Y/N)'s heart flutter in a thousand ways.

"For the coffee," the boy finished. "And for the notes."

"I did my part, I told you I would help you," said (Y/N) as she fiddled with her fingers.

"I thought you wouldn't after the last time we met," Jaehyun confessed.

"I'm sticking to that."

A small silence ensued. Two people face to face. With thousands of doubts between them and things to resolve. What had drawn them together? How was it that the universe managed to put two completely different people in the same place?

"Did you mean it?" Jaehyun asked, and when he noticed that (Y/N) didn't understand what he meant, he continued. "About wanting to get to know me more."

(Y/N) swallowed hard and looking him in the eyes, nodded.

"I still believe there's something good in you."

"Why?"

"I don't know yet," she replied honestly. "And it's killing me. A while ago, I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with you, not even to cross paths, but now, I don't know what's changed, but every time I try to stay away, it's like something brings me back here," she confessed, leaving Jaehyun speechless, who just watched her, trying to decipher everything she was saying.

It was killing him too.

"Let's go to my car," he said.

"Huh?" she asked, confused.

"You want to know more about me, then get in my car," he said again, this time making his way to the parking lot, with (Y/N) behind him, who didn't say a single word, just followed his lead.

What was he doing?

When they reached the car, Jaehyun opened the passenger door, causing (Y/N) to get in without protesting. Then Jaehyun got into the driver's seat and without further ado, started the engine. She didn't know what was happening or what would happen next, but right now she could only trust Jaehyun.

Even though she didn't know how bad an idea that might be.

A few minutes later, as they had traveled a long distance, (Y/N) noticed they were approaching Neo Zone, and with her eyes wide open, she panicked.

"This is me," Jaehyun said out of nowhere, catching the girl's attention. "See all these streets? This is where I belong. This is what I am," he explained carefully.

(Y/N) looked out the window, a couple of people smoking on the sidewalk, others passing joints, and other silent streets. The houses weren't that big... rather, they looked cramped. Unlike what she was used to, to her lifestyle, this didn't seem like it would be enough for a family.

But what did she know with the privilege she had?

"I grew up here, this is what I know," he commented. "Most people are born and die here, it's something that seems to be already written," he continued as his car slowed down. "Those of us from here have a different perspective on life... people from Kwangya lives for the money... we live to survive, and although it's getting harder and harder, we manage to do it," the car finally stopped, and still looking out the window, (Y/N) saw a small house in front of them. One story, not much to describe or point out, it was small but for some reason, it looked cozy.

(Y/N) changed her gaze to Jaehyun, who was still looking ahead and spoke.

"Is this your house?"

Jaehyun nodded.

(Y/N) smiled softly.

"Would you invite me in?"

______________________________________________

He doesn't know how (Y/N) managed to have an effect on him, but now they were there, inside his little house, (Y/N) carefully examining the walls around them and analyzing every aspect of the small space.

He was grateful there were no one at home.

"It looks cozy," (Y/N) said as she looked at one of the frames hanging on the wall.

"I guess it's not even a third of your house," Jaehyun assured to (Y/N).

“And no matter how many people are there, it always feels lonely," she confessed. "It's like no one leaves anything there, like it's something unimportant. As if it's not a home," she finished.

Jaehyun looked at her gently, and as she looked around, thousands of things went through his mind.

"To be honest with you," the girl spoke. "I see more vibes from Jeno in this house than yours," she said. "Many things here seem related to Jeno... but I don't see many things related to you..." she continued. "It's like you don't even think about staying here for long."

"I don't plan on leaving Neo Zone," Jaehyun asserted, crossing his arms.

"Don't you want a different future?"

"There's no future for me," Jaehyun pointed out. "And if there were, I'd prefer to give it to Jeno. He has much more to live for than I do."

"You also have a life to live. A future to write, you can change what is today, for something better," (Y/N) turned around to face the boy.

"I have no way out," the boy replied. "Do you think this is easy? After seeing my dad die and doing everything my bosses ask me to do no matter what. Taking care of my mom, Jeno, and now Winwin? Huh? Making sure Winwin becomes who he was again and that my brother doesn't end up being a fucking addict are enough reasons for me not to leave here," Jaehyun concluded, getting dangerously close to her, with a few centimeters separating them.

The words echoed in her head strongly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't pity me," Jaehyun said under his breath.

"It's not that. It's just that every time I think about all this and now that I see your place and I don't see anything that seems to belong to you, it makes me think that's what you're looking for, to belong to something and leave here as soon as there's an opportunity,"

Jaehyun looked directly at her, not knowing what to say. And afraid to think that maybe she was right.

Because yes, maybe he wanted to get out of there, along with his mom, Jeno, and Winwin; maybe he wanted to do something with his life that wasn't illegal, but what was the point of thinking about it when he knew he wouldn't make it? He was afraid to admit that he wanted to be able to change things, to be able to make his family okay, that no shadow from the past would follow them, that they would have a place where they could forge a clean and safe future.

"This has never been about what I want," Jaehyun commented with a future. "Since I was born, everything around me was the gang. After my father's death, I knew what was coming, and I knew I would never be able to get out of it. It doesn’t matter what I want. It matter what my boss wants, he has that kind of power, no one below him has their own decision. The whole life of Neo Zone is ruled by him," he concluded, even closer to her.

(Y/N) looked him in the eyes, her breath uncontrolled. Her chest heaved, and her hands were sweating.

"What do you want, Jaehyun?" she whispered.

The boy paused for a moment and looked at her lips.

"Now?" he asked, and she nodded. "Would it be unrealistic to say that I want to kiss you?"

"How realistic would it be to say that I want you to do it?

She didn't even finish the question because Jaehyun's lips collided firmly with hers. The boy's long hands slid through (Y/N)'s soft hair, her hair smelling of lavender shampoo. He gently covered her cheek with one of his rough hands, and she melted into the touch.

It wasn't a hurried kiss, as (Y/N) thought it would be; actually, Jaehyun was taking the time to savor every passing second. As if this moment would disappear at any minute and he wanted to hold onto it.

Was he looking for something to belong to?

His hand moved from her cheek to her waist, and she took the opportunity to press her body against his and release a moan of pleasure. As if she felt complete leaning against Jaehyun's warmth.

As if it was something they both longed for for a long time.

And even though she wanted to continue with the act, they were severely interrupted when a car horn sounded incessantly outside the house, causing them to separate with tremendous confusion. (Y/N)'s red cheeks were enough to make Jaehyun's heart race, but when he heard another horn, he took her hand and they walked outside in hurry.

And then, there was Jeno, being thrown out of the back of a car, blood streaming from a cut on his eyebrow, bruises scattered all over his body, and falling firmly to the ground after being thrown.

"I want this to be the last time your brother sets foot in our zone. Next time it won't be him we throw," the familiar voice of a boy from the opposing gang spoke up. Chris. Who was with the window down and smiling maliciously. "Neither will it be you, Jung. It will be the girl who will end up like this,"

Jaehyun moved abruptly from his place to try to reach the car, but it left as fast as it could, (Y/N) shocked to hear those words, didn't do anything more than approach Jeno to help him up. Then Jaehyun cursed under his breath and looked into the distance at the girl and her brother together.

And his chest tightened as he realized that now, she too had been involved.

And he believed there was no turning back, because she was right... Jaehyun wanted to belong to something.

But how selfish would it be to belong to (Y/N)?

a/n: well now you know what happened to Winwin TT. Once again I’m sorry if this took too long I promise I’ll try to update sooner this time!

taglist is open! if you want to be added just lemme know;)

taglist: @spicyryujin @kriizztin @daegalismybiasinnct @peachfulnight @gojoscumslut @bluedbliss @dear-97 @girlwholoveslpreppyattire @hana-off-icial @cigarettesafterjae

#nctzen #nct #nct au #nct imagines #nct x reader #mark #nct 127 #jaehyun #nct scenarios #nct x you #bad boy jaehyun #jaehyun x y/n #jaehyun x you #jaehyun x reader #jung jaehyun #bad boy au #gang au #nct jaehyun #jaehyun au #jaehyun fanfic #nct angst #nct fluff #nct u #nct smut #nct fanfic #nct gang #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun smut #jaehyun ff

[probably-writing-x]

Armour

Rafe!AU x Reader

Summary: Having your heart broken was one thing. But Rafe watching somebody break your heart? That was something nobody could prepare for.

Warnings: Suggestions of a toxic relationship, cursing, mentions of alcohol / drug dependency, I think that’s everything??

Word Count: 4.1k

Author’s Note: I LOVED writing this - it took me ages but I just had the idea from this gif and went for it. Let me know if you like it <3

It wasn’t a feeling you could describe. Because, really, it felt like there was no explanation. You’d been in love. You’d been consumed. And now? Nothing. It felt like a part of your future had been torn away in front of you. And you didn’t know why.

For nine years now you’d been dating your boyfriend, James. He was your high school relationship, turned college relationship, and the two of you had returned to the Outer Banks and bought a place together - planning on staying here so that he could work for his father now that the two of you had graduated college.

You’d been living in the house for a year now, down the road from his parents’ home, where he’d grown up. It was weird really, you’d been so certain that you wanted to get off the island. But he’d suggested moving back here and you agreed. That was what was going to keep him happy, anyway. And, plus, him working for his Dad’s company would mean that the two of you were practically set for life. Though it felt strange to think that your life would begin and end here. You’d done it for him, for your relationship, your future with James.

And yet you couldn’t figure out where things had changed. You couldn’t pinpoint a day, a moment, an argument; nothing. One day he was yours and the next he was disappearing. And, as much as you wanted to keep him, there was only so much it was in your control.

It was a day burned into your mind, one that would remain burned there for a long time. The way he’d looked at you, cold and heartless. The way he’d spoken, yelled and screamed when you disagreed. And, just like that, he’d packed a bag and walked out towards his parents’ place, telling you that it was over. Nine years of a relationship slipping away, disappearing into the dark of your first night alone.

Sarah had come round that night and stayed with you, her baby bump growing into her fifth month of pregnancy. She’d stayed with you on the couch as you cried, still been there in the morning when your eyes were tired and puffy. She’d stayed the entire day and helped pack up as many of your things as you could, called John B to get him to help take your stuff to their house.

They lived where the chalet used to be, in a house John B had built with the boys, much bigger than what they used to have. One of the rooms was taken up by the starts of their nursery, and they’d already set up an air mattress in the other room for you, a spare sheet and comforter folded on top. You didn’t sleep much more than a couple of hours that night either, or the night after, and you only slept from exhaustion on the fourth night.

“Hey, (Y/N),” Sarah knocks gently on the door before letting herself in, “How are you doing?”

You pull yourself to sit up in the bed, pushing yourself back against the headboard, drawing your knees to your chest, “I’m okay, just tired.”

She frowns and comes to sit on the bed beside you, her hand squeezing your knee, “So, you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to, but my brother is flying back today.”

Rafe. Her older brother. The boy you’d grown up with. He’d been your first kiss at a party when both of you were too young to know what you were doing. He’d been the boy that picked you up from your first drunk night when your parents couldn’t know you’d been drinking. He’d been the one your eyes were drawn to in a crowd of people since you could remember. You hadn’t seen him since the summer after your first year of college. He’d decided to move to New York - taking up a job in the city. The two of you had sat on the dock and spoken for hours and he ended the conversation by telling you he was leaving in the morning. Since then, your paths hadn’t crossed. He was barely home nowadays. But, you suppose, with Sarah being pregnant, it was a better time than any for him to return to the old stomping grounds.

“He’s coming here?” You swallow the lump in your throat.

She nods, “He’s going to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights. I haven’t told him anything about you and James - I figured it was up to you if you wanted to tell him or not.”

You take a deep breath and nod too, “Okay, thank you.”

Sarah squeezes your leg again and places her other hand over her bump, pushing herself up to stand, “John B is making some food if you want any breakfast. I’d make the most of it, he hates cooking normally,” She laughs, the sympathy still casting a shadow over her bright eyes.

Sarah knew how things were with you and Rafe, as much as she never mentioned it to you - it was a conversation that it felt like the two of you had already had without any words being spoken. She’d seen his face after the two of you kissed, the way he blushed and stuttered afterwards. She’d watched the way things had changed between you when you and James got together, the way Rafe seemed to distance. And she’d watched the pain in your eyes the day he left, like a little window through to the ache that seemed to never leave your heart. And, right now, she’d seen the slightest glimmer of hope in you at the mention of him coming home.

For the first time in a few days, you find yourself actually wanting to get up, get ready, feel a little human for the day. You shower and do all of your skincare, spending a little longer on it than you usually do. You half-dry your hair and plait it instead of leaving it to frizz around your head, and you change into clean clothes from the duffle bag of things that you and Sarah had packed up from your house - well, what was your house.

By the time you come downstairs, John B and Sarah are sat at the dining table, tucking into plates of food with a fresh pot of coffee and a jug of orange juice on the table. One of his arms is around the back of her chair, his eyes bright as he listens to her speak.

“Hey! You’re up!” He looks over and grins as you come down the stairs, “How are you feeling today?”

You smooth a hand over the two braids on your head and smile, feeling like you have to force it just a little less than before, “Better, thank you.”

“Good, well there’s food here if you want it,” He gestures to the table, “And eat up quick because Sarah’s eating enough for two at the minute.”

You laugh and make your way over, sitting down at the opposite side of the table. From the angle, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror in their lounge and the sight doesn’t feel like yourself. Your eyes are dark underneath, something no eye cream would fix after just one use. And your body seems weirdly shrunken in the sweatshirt around your figure. It sits long over your arms and so baggy that you can’t make out the shape of your torso. Your skin looks drier and your lips are chapped. But you remind yourself that you feel a little more human today and it seems to ease the worry for a while, your breath feeling less shaky as you turn back to the food.

“Oh shit, I didn’t realise the time,” John B glances at the clock, “I promised I’d go and help Pope build their crib before I went to pick your brother up - apparently I’m a pro at it now.”

Pope and Cleo were also expecting, due just a month after Sarah and John B’s baby would likely be born. They lived in a house not far from his parents’ place. JJ and Kie had come back to the Outer Banks a few months ago after travelling for a year - though they said it was less travelling and more finding as many places to surf as they could. Before that, Kie had been working on turtle conservation in a few different projects and JJ had been flying out everywhere with her - experiencing the world as a pair. They had no plans of marriage, or kids, or even where to settle, but that was perfect for them; chasing another adventure until it felt like they’d done it all. And you - whilst it felt like all of your friends were starting a new chapter, yours had just ended and the author was yet to think of where the story would go next. It was as if one of the main characters had just dropped out of the pages, leaving the story in ruins from here on out - all chapters of marriage and pregnancy and growing old together disappearing as quickly as James had told you it was over.

John B kisses Sarah a quick goodbye and grabs the keys to his truck, disappearing outside. A chill flurries through the house but it dissipates quickly, settling back into the home they’d managed to make together. You weren’t sure if you could remember your house feeling like that, and when you think about it for too long, you settle on the fact that maybe it never had.

~~~

It’s early afternoon when you hear the sound of a car in the driveway. And you’re sure your ears prick up to the noise, your heart seeming to pause a little in preparation. You set down the book in your hands and stand up from the couch, glancing at your appearance in the mirror quickly and dragging your fingertips underneath your eyes as if to push the fatigue away from them.

“I think that’s them back,” Sarah comments as she comes downstairs, making her way over to the door, “Yeah, that’s them! Are you okay?”

You glance at her and regather your words, “Of course.”

And, just like that, the door clicks open and the sound of two rumbling voices tumbles into the room, a deep laugh that pauses halfway through.

“Hey little sis!” Rafe’s voice seems no different than when you last heard it, deep and intense but seemingly so comforting.

He grins as he wraps his arms around his sister, cautiously as if the bump between them is the most fragile thing he’s seen. His eyes flick down to the baby bump and back up, shaking his head with the slightest reflection of tears in his eyes.

“I still can’t believe it,” He chuckles, hugging her again, “I was just saying to John B that I-“

As he pulls away from her, his eyes flick back to the only other body in the room. The few metres between you. His shoulders and features soften, his body relaxing just slightly. His smile falters, somewhere close to shock, before returning as bright as it had been before.

“(Y/N)…” His voice seems to trail off, Adam’s apple bobbing and the sound of his duffle bag hitting the floor seeming to echo in the space between you, “Long time no see.”

With that, he strides the short distance between you and wraps his arms around you tightly, tight enough that your feet just slightly lift from the ground. He smells like dark cologne and coffee and his hair is longer than when you’d seen him last, his face seeming fuller and sharper as if he’d grown into himself, a shadow of stubble growing darker around his jawline.

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” He comments, settling you back as he steps away from you, hands still gripping your forearms - his eyes seem to graze over you as if checking over.

“Yeah I-“ You clear your throat, voice seeming scratchy as your eyes find it impossible to leave him, “I’m just staying for a few days.”

“God, it’s good to see you,” His brows raise with his smile, a light laugh warming the space between you before Rafe seems to come back to himself, clearing his throat and letting go of his hold around your arms, one of his hands flying up to scratch at the back of his neck.

“I’ll leave your stuff down here if that’s okay, Rafe,” Sarah comments, “Are you sure you’re okay with sleeping on the couch?”

He turns away from you and takes a second to rejoin a conversation away from you, nodding, “Yeah, of course. We all know I slept in way worse places after drunk nights before.”

You’d learnt from Sarah that Rafe was completely sober now - he’d stopped the drinking and the drugs not long after you’d gone off to college, and Sarah still swore it was like a weird shift into his old self coming back. You weren’t sure that you knew what she meant - he’d always been Rafe to you.

“Alright, I’ll bring down some pillows and a blanket,” John B nods, jogging upstairs.

Before you can say anything else, your phone starts to ring on one of the side tables by the couch, buzzing loudly against the wooden surface. The screen flashes up with “James” accompanied by a blue heart emoji and a photo of the two of you on vacation that you still hadn’t removed.

“I-“ You feel your cheeks heat, “I should take this.”

You grab the phone and flee down the corridor, only answering the call when you’re outside, the door to the garden remaining ajar behind you.

“Hello?”

“(Y/N),” He returns, his voice seeming cold even through the speaker of your phone, “Are you still at Sarah’s?”

“Yeah I’m just staying here for a few days I-“

“Okay, I have more of your stuff to drop off,” James cuts in, “I’ll swing by and leave it at the front door.”

“James can we just-“

He hangs up then and the phone feels heavy in your hand, still lightly pressed against your ear as if any part of him still remained. Your heart seems to clench and your bottom lip quivers but you pierce your lips together tightly to stop it, clenching your nails into your palm until the slight sting centres you back into where you were. This morning had felt like a better day, a few steps forward, and within just a few short words you seemed to have tumbled all the way back to square one.

When you turn around and go back inside, it’s just Rafe left in the lounge.

“Where did-“

“Something to do with pregnancy,” Rafe narrows his eyes a little, a small smile on his lips, “But I have no idea what she actually said.”

You nod and wrap your arms around yourself, avoiding his gaze.

He frowns, standing up from the couch, “Is everything okay?”

You nod again.

“I saw you were reading To Kill A Mockingbird, do you like it? I realise I never asked you,” He picks up your copy from the table and brushes a thumb over the worn cover.

He’d given you that book when you’d graduated. You’d read it front to back at least four times since then, sometimes just reading the annotations that he’d put in the margins instead of the printed words on the page.

“It’s the one I gave you,” His brows drop as if in sudden realisation, and his eyes seem brighter like they’re swelling with the hints of pride in his heart, “I didn’t even realise it was the same one. I can’t believe you’ve still got this.”

You fiddle with the material on the sleeves of your jumper, noticing how it seems to scratch at your skin more now, “Yeah, same one.”

Rafe glances up and the pride in his eyes seems to etch towards worry, “(Y/N), what’s going on?”

You shake your head again, “Um, I think I’m going to go and lie down. I should probably give you a chance to settle in anyway, you’ve been travelling and everything.”

With a slight stumble over your words, you hurry towards the stairs, disappearing out of his sight before he has the chance to stop you.

~~~

Somewhere between then and now, you’d fallen asleep. You wake up hours later and the sun has shifted to the afternoon angle that meant it no longer came burning through the window in the spare bedroom. The house is quiet but you can hear the sound of conversation downstairs, quiet voices and hushed tones.

When you open your bedroom door, the conversation becomes clearer - Rafe and Sarah.

“She’s not herself, why won’t you tell me what’s happened?” Rafe says, and you can hear the worry injected into his words.

“Rafe, I can’t tell you for her, you’ve just got to wait until she’s ready to talk about it,” Sarah explains, “It’s been years since you two have seen each other, you can’t blame her for not wanting to talk to you about stuff yet.”

“We used to talk about everything, I knew everything about her,” Rafe returns, “I’ve just… I’ve missed her. And I’ve come back but it still feels like I haven’t got her back.”

You feel the weight settle and flutter on your chest, a weird combination between wanting to run down to him and run away from it all. It felt weird to have Rafe back when you felt so distant from yourself. The closest to him you’d been in years and yet feeling like the furthest from you.

One of the floorboards creaks beneath your feet and their conversation quickly ceases. You take that as your sign to go downstairs, feeling a little more human now that you’d caught up on another few hours of sleep.

“Hi honey,” Sarah smiles warmly, “There’s a box of stuff for you on the counter.”

“Of course there is,” You roll your eyes at her and she laughs a little, “Thank you.”

It’s an unlabelled box, likely one of the small ones you’d used to move into the house in the first place. But you take the lid on top as a sign to not open it - whatever was in there you probably didn’t want to be thinking about now. It could be opened on one of your bad days when you needed to cry. Until then, it could definitely be ignored.

“Alright I’m just going to call John B and get him to pick up some dinner on the way home,” Sarah comments, walking out of the kitchen and into the lounge instead.

Rafe is leaning back against one of the counters, a red solo cup in his hand, his eyes looking down as he swirls around the liquid in the cup.

“I thought you stopped drinking,” You comment, gesturing to his hands.

He chuckles a little and looks up at you, “Yeah, yeah, I did. It’s just water. This was the first cup I could find.”

You nod and walk over to him, leaning against the kitchen island opposite Rafe so that you were facing him, your arms folding over your chest.

“So, how’s New York?”

Rafe smiles, “Very different from home. Sometimes a good different, other times not so much. Just a lot to get used to, you know?”

You nod in agreement but don’t say anything.

“Makes me realise how much I miss from home.”

Your eyes find his again and both of you smile just enough for it to be visible. The air feels warmer between you, warmer still every time your eyes meet.

“So, you moved back here, to the Outer Banks, glad to come home?”

“I don’t-“ You purse your lips for a second, “I did, when I first got back. I don’t know anymore.”

He’s silent in return and your eyes lose contact, yours flicking to the floor. Rafe stretches out one of his feet and nudges at your ankle, tapping you, “Hey.”

You look up and let your eyes return to his, his gaze softening as his words quieten. The tension in you seems to relax just enough.

“What happened, (Y/N)?”

You feel the lump reform in your throat, the way it seems to constrict any chance you have of speaking, the way your muscles feel weaker, like you could crumble there and then, “I don’t know.”

The words come out barely audible, scratching from your tongue as your bottom lip trembles a little.

“One day we were fine, the next he told me it was over,” You half-laugh because you’re certain it’s the only way you can avoid crying, though tears are already blurring your vision, “I don’t know what happened.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Rafe steps forward and pulls your arms from around your torso, guiding them around his back before wrapping his own arms around you too, letting your head bury onto his chest. He brings a hand up to your hair and keeps you close to him, tightening his hold on you as much as he possibly can.

You let yourself cry into him, tears staining the t-shirt as you grip onto the material at the back, holding him like you’re terrified that he’ll slip away too. Despite the way you need him to hold you, you’re sure that he needs you too - in the way his chin rests on top of your hair, the way he adjusts every few seconds as if reassuring himself that you couldn’t get any closer.

The pair of you stay like that for a short infinity, neither of you wanting to be the first to move, both of you certain that years of emotion is pouring into the single gesture, the single contact after years without. A short infinity.

~~~

That night, you sit down for dinner with Sarah, John B and Rafe. They all make sure that you fill your plate of food first, and encourage you to have the last slice of pizza. They look at you with a sense of relief on their features, like you were back just a little more than you had been. Rafe’s arm settles over the back of your chair, his other hand wrapped around a glass of water. He looks at you when you speak and chuckles deeply when you make a quiet joke. You feel the most human you’ve felt in years.

And when you go to bed that night, it feels less likely that you’ll be lying awake questioning everything, much more likely that you’ll sleep soundly. You change into your pyjamas - a baggy t-shirt and a pair of shorts - and get under the covers, tugging them up to your neck.

Just then, there’s a knock at the door, a little tap like it isn’t sure if it wants to be heard.

“Come in,” You announce, pushing yourself to sit up a little against the headboard.

It’s Rafe on the other side, only his silhouette visible against the dark of the room, the light of the corridor illuminating him from behind, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you,” He whispers into the dark, “I was just downstairs and I realised you left this.”

His hands are wrapped around the copy of your book, the pages slightly folded at the corner.

“Oh, right, yeah, I forgot it,” You smile, “Thank you.”

“You just, you normally always read before bed,” He continues, bringing it over as the bedroom door starts to shut slowly behind him, “Well, you used to, I don’t know if you still do that anymore, I just remember when you used to- I’m sorry, I’m rambling.”

You laugh a little and he sets the book down on your nightstand.

“So, you promise you’re okay?”

“I will be,” You return, watching as he stands awkwardly at the side of your bed, like he’s completely out of place, “Do you want to sit down?”

His mouth opens and closes like he’s not sure what to say but he nods, walking around to the other side of the bed and sitting down beside you, looking out of place still in his clothes from the day.

You’re both silent, illuminated by the slither of light coming through from the ajar bedroom door. On the far side of the room, there’s a vanity stretching across the wall, it’s scattered with a few of your belongings, and right in the middle sits the box that James had dropped off earlier.

Rafe nods his head in the direction of it, “So, have you opened that?”

You look at him and frown, “No, no I haven’t.”

“Don’t you want to know what he’s given you?”

You laugh a little, “I can tell you want to know. Go and get it, let’s open it.”

He chuckles and scrambles to stand up, grabbing the box and bringing it back over. Rafe settles himself back into the bed and sets the box down between the two of you, “Go on, you do the honours.”

You laugh and take the lid off. The box is only half full, littered with a few relatively meaningless things. There’s a couple of your tops, a jewellery box you took when you went on vacation, a couple of bracelets, a photoframe - empty, though that had once held a photo of you and James together.

“Holy shit! You kept this?” Rafe exclaims, picking up a shot glass that had been buried under a few things.

The glass had come from a night the two of you had snuck into the bar near the port. You’d managed to pick the lock on the door, spent hours just the two of you chatting and figuring out random drinks to make. Rafe had poured you shots of every liquor he could find and you’d shared each one, grimacing a little less with every shot as the alcohol started to take effect. You’d left some time after sunrise, managed to stumble your way down to the beach, and woke up hours later with the shot glass still held in your grasp. It had come with you to college, and came back when you moved back home. A little pocketed story that only you and Rafe knew.

“Of course I did,” You giggle, “That was a good night.”

Rafe traces his thumb around the top of the glass, “Yeah, it was I loved that night.”

“Do you remember it?” You scoff, “We were wasted.”

You remembered it. You were so sure he was going to kiss you, then. To kiss you for the first time that wasn’t controlled by a party game. To kiss you for the first time away from a party of laughing eyes. He’d looked at you like he was going to kiss you, but he never did. Though, when you slept, he’d linked his fingers with yours, squeezing three times before both of you fell asleep. His hand, just like the shot glass, had still been in yours hours later.

“I remember.”

The silence falls once again as both of you pick and pull at the rest of the objects in the box. Nothing takes much interest after that, but you find yourself instead drawn to what was missing.

“It’s not in here,” You mumble, pulling through the box one more time to check again.

“What isn’t?” Rafe frowns, “What’s not there?”

“It’s um-“ You clear your throat, glancing up at him, “It’s stupid really.”

He shakes his head, “It’s not stupid, what is it?”

“Do you remember that little giraffe I used to have? My nana got it for me when I was a kid, it’s not in here, and I couldn’t find it when me and Sarah got my stuff. It’s not here,” You frown again, taking out the shot glass and closing the lid on the rest of the box.

“Well, it’s got to be at the house somewhere,” Rafe shrugs, “We’ll find it.”

You half-laugh, setting the box down on the floor beside the bed, “What are we going to do? Break into the house?”

Your laugh continues but Rafe’s stops after a split second, shrugging his shoulders, “Let’s do it.”

You halt in your movements, looking at the way his eyes seem so set on you, like nothing could tear them away, “You’re serious.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

~~~

That’s how, within the hour, you’re walking up towards your old house, it looking eerie and dark in your absence, the flowers you’d planted outside looked dry even after a few days without you here and it bubbled a new sense of loss inside you, like a part you hadn’t thought you’d lose - a mundane part that just added to the rest.

“Do you still have a key?” Rafe hisses from beside you as you both walk up the driveway.

“No, I left it at home,” You return, glancing up at him.

“What?” Rafe raises his brows, “We came all the way here and yo-“

“Kidding,” You smile, pulling the key from your pocket, “This is still my house too until he settles everything.”

Rafe grins, “I like the way you think (Y/L/N).”

You step up to the door and go to unlock it. Rafe steps forward, his hand wrapping around yours before you can move. He looks at you and presses the index finger of his other hand to his lips, guiding his hand around yours to turn the key in the lock. The door creaks when it opens and you both wince, letting it close slowly behind you.

“Damn, this is a nice place,” Rafe whispers, glancing around the downstairs rooms of the house.

You look at him and roll your eyes, “That makes me feel better.”

He laughs quietly and clasps his hands together, widening his eyes at the quiet noise that seems to echo around the house, “So where are we going?”

“I don’t know where it would be,” You shake your head, “Maybe the lounge?”

He outstretches a hand, “Lead the way.”

You take Rafe’s hand in yours as the two of you go towards the lounge. You bump into the couch as you step into the room and he stumbles behind you, hands flying to your waist to stop you from falling.

“We’re not exactly pros at this,” Rafe laughs, letting you balance yourself again as you stand up, your back pressing against his chest.

You glance down at yourself, a baggy hoodie over a pair of shorts, a pair of crocs on your feet, and him, a pair of slacks and a checkered shirt with a couple of buttons undone. He steps back from you and glances around the dark room, pulling out his phone and flicking on the flashlight. It casts a circle of light across the room as you start to look around, noticing the empty spots where photos of the two of you used to decorate the space. There are a few takeout boxes sprawled over the coffee table and a line of empty beer cans, one of them rolling along the floor when you step beside it.

“I can’t see anything,” Rafe hisses, flashing the light in your direction before you squint at the sight, blocking the brightness from your eyes, “Ooh sorry I-“

You both freeze then as a light flicks on upstairs, the hallway light.

“Who’s that?” Rafe mouths in your direction and you look at him like it’s the worst thing you’ve heard, watching the realisation sink onto his face just a second later.

Before either of you can say anything, there’s the sound of feet padding down the stairs, picking up their pace as they near you. Rafe takes a stride across the room, bumping shoulders with you as he comes to a stop.

“Who the f-“ James rounds the corner, “(Y/N)? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I ju-“

“Rafe?” James interjects, “What? Did you hear (Y/N) was single and catch the next flight back?”

“Hey, no, that’s not what-“ You begin again.

“Fucking unbelievable,” James interrupts you again, “What are you doing in my house?”

“Cut it out, asshole. Stop interrupting her,” Rafe cuts in, and you can instantly sense his change in demeanour, the way he shifts on his feet, “And this is (Y/N)’s house too, you got that?”

James scoffs, folding his arms over his chest, “What? So you brought Rafe here to fight your battles?”

“No, no,” You blush at the discomfort, “I just needed some of my things. Well, no, not some, just one thing actually, it’s stupid, just a little thing… I just-“ You swallow the lump in your throat, “Seb. He wasn’t in the box of stuff.”

“What? That weird giraffe thing you brought everywhere,” James scoffs, “That’s really that important?”

“Um,” You laugh a little to relieve some of the awkward tension clenching your chest, “No, I guess it’s not important but we were just talking, well, we were looking through the box and we realised it wasn’t there and Rafe, um, Rafe said-“

“Rafe?” James scoffs, “You’re kidding, right?”

“Seriously, man, cut it out,” Rafe repeats, stepping forward just a little as if he’s protecting you, not enough to block you off but enough for you to know that he was there, “I don’t care if you don’t think it’s important, you’re done making her feel bad for things she cares about - do you understand that?”

James lets out a laugh that seems to echo around the room and scratch at your ears, sending an uncomfortable shiver up your spine, “How the hell do you know what she wants? What’s this? The first time you’ve been home in how many years?”

“Yeah, well, good timing I’d call it. Something about some asshole that didn’t realise how lucky he was,” Rafe cocks a brow.

“Rafe…” Your voice is quiet, as if you’re shrinking into the room but he looks back at you and nods just gently, reassuring you. And you’re surprised when it works, settling the fear in your heart.

“So what? You think you come back and know everything about her? Like you’re some sort of knight in shining armour?” James scoffs, “You don’t know jackshit about her, let alone our relationship.”

Rafe laughs and steps away from you, narrowing his eyes at James before letting out a slow breath, shaking his head as he walks the length of the room, “Oh you really are an asshole.”

James doesn’t say anything, watching as Rafe strides the room, a harsh air about him you were sure he hadn’t shown in years, perhaps since he’d last seen you.

“You’re dating a woman like (Y/N) for nine years. Nine years. Nine fucking years you had her there for you - picking up the phone when you’d call, letting you complain about your bad days, not thinking to mention it when your cooking was terrible, always always thinking of you before anything else. And what? That wasn’t good enough?”

“This is nothing to do with you Cameron,” James defends, shifting his stance.

“You hurt (Y/N),” Rafe steps forward until he is less than a foot from James, staring at him coldly, “That means it does have something to do with me. In fact, it has a hell of a lot to do with me.”

You’re watching the scene unfold as if it’s fiction, as if this is a cross between a dream and a nightmare that you were about to wake up from. This Rafe isn’t the same boy that he was with you, he’s never this cold with you. But with someone that had done you wrong? He was a completely different version of himself.

He’s close enough to James now that you’re practically counting down the seconds until he’ll swing a fist at him, it’s inevitable. But you shift in your spot and he glances back to look at you, his eyes softening when they meet with yours. His brows relax and the features of his face do with them, settling into himself a little. His lips smile a little against the tension in his jaw and he takes a deep breath in, turning back to James.

“I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t know what you think you’re gaining from all of this. But we’re gonna go now,” Rafe’s words don’t shift from their blunt tone, each word feeling calculated and exact, “And you’re going to go to bed, in a house that’s not fully yours, in a bed you used to share. And you’re going to wake up the next morning and the morning after that and again and again, and every time you’ll be on your own. You might not realise it now, maybe not tomorrow or the day after, but you’ll realise it. You’ll realise that every single day you’re waking up without (Y/N) here, you’re missing the one damn thing that made your life worth it.”

He clenches his jaw again and watches as James swallows the lump in his throat, his eyes flicking to you.

“Oh, here it is,” Rafe reaches down to the couch and picks up the toy giraffe you’d been looking for, holding it in his hand, “Good seeing you, James.”

He hits your ex on his chest as if a friendly gesture but it knocks James back just enough for him to be reminded of his place. Rafe looks back at you and offers you the same smile as before, offering you your exit as you make your way over to him. He lets you step in front and places a hand to your back, guiding you out of the house, slamming the door behind the two of you. And for the first time since you’d left this house days ago, you feel alive.

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[capriciouscapsss]

What Disney Couple Do You and Your F/S Resemble? ☁︎

BOOK A READING WITH ME 💞

today we're doing a section of my disney storyline pac reading!! it's a short vers. but ugh it absolutely warms my heart. if you guys want the full reading feel free to book a reading since i do offer this one completely catered to you and only you (along with being able to get ANY disney storyline I'm sobbing 😭😭); with that being said........LETS GET STARTED 💞💞

we have four piles; intuitively choose what pile you're most drawn to.

now let's go ahead and start ♡

pile i. pink yummy dessert

[j&a, KoW, the lovers, the world, 3oW, 8oS, D.W, B.]

my pretty pile ones you all got Aladdin as your disney couple ♡ when watching the movie everything feels and look intense, like you're in there and not watching it through a screen. the romance between you and your f/s feels real. ever lie to yourself about how strong a connection was? like "omg he and I are soulmates I know it" type of stuff? yeah with this person you don't know it, you feel it. it feels real. Aladdin plays on illusion a lot, Aladdin himself lies to Jasmine about his status to make her give him a chance, but if there's one thing that was never faked it was the connection. the love between Aladdin and Jasmine. you two are the same, this connection can't be faked it's the real deal. elements of the couple that could mix into you and your f/s could be your f/s pursuing you with the same determination that Aladdin did with Jasmine. seeing you from afar and having to have you. meeting you, not even knowing your name but wanting it all. the world could also work in funny ways in your story like it did in Aladdin. meeting by fate. the universe working with your f/s to get them what they want. you two are going to meet and want to share view points and share your stories of how you collectively got to that point in your life. their going to want to show you what they know, all they know, and you're going to accept with open arms.

also make sure that if you got nothing else from this reading you get this at least; you two are very different. like from completely different worlds. this could point to cultural differences, economic differences ect. but bottomline is you two are on unequal footing in some way.

pile ii. girl walking along the water

[h&m, the devil, 5oW, 5oC, m.o.c, p.t.t.r.u.a, l.i.h.j)

why is that my sad pile always have a hot f/s? stop it fr 😭 my dear pile two, you and your f/s most resemble Hercules and Megan!! not only does this tell me that your f/s is a certified hot dreamy masterpiece BUT I can also see that you and your spouse are definitely into each other sexually a lot more than my other piles. your f/s is a sucker for the sad people of the world ngl they just want to fix and help everyone. pile 2, something important in about you and your f/s would be that you, like Megan, will be going through a hard time when you meet. something toxic will be reigning over your life (this could be a friend, relative, partner ect) and this person will see that.they're obvs, in true Hercules fashion, going to want to even protect you from it at times if need be. if any of you have ever seen this movie you'd know that Megan betrays Hercules and honestly I'm kinda seeing it here as well. the conflict of the story seems to be the same. someone feeling betrayed. "you said you were with me" type of vibe. you don't like that they help everyone. in fact it might even be that you never wanted or asked for their help! it irks you at first. and this is going to sound so bad but you might want to get to know them at first only for their looks 😭 or because you have something to gain from it. with time though, even though people DO NOT want you together, you will come to fall in love with their sensitivity and their good nature. not everyone has an angle, or is mean, and not everyone is the same, and you will come to realize this with your person. cute ♡

pile iii. hand in neon pink water

[t&n, KNoP, 2oC, QoC, the fool, i.h.u.w.i.l.u, i.p.u.f, r.]

pile 3 how lucky u are 😭 in this pile we got Tiana and Naveen as your disney counterpart!! not only can we infer then that your f/s is as easy going as prince naveen but we also got the royalty oracle card which means that they're royalty that they're certainly as influential as he is. dear pile 3 you know what love is. you've seen it, you've heard about it, you've read about it. you know HOW to love. patient, loving, kind, that is you. you've begun to live in your divine feminine energy. you have no time for others! you focus on yourself, love yourself, put yourself first. your f/s is a fool - wait no sorry the fool as in metaphorically they take after these traits strongly. they're eager to try new things, they keep their mind open to opportunities and always looks for LIFE. they're alive, they want to make sure other people take advantage of it (their words not mine 😭) lmao they're a bit full of themselves. the candle of everyone's eye etc. honestly you might not even know if you love them or are annoyed by them half them time. or so you tell yourself. true love lies tried and true here. this love is gradual and it takes time and effort but once you tw begin to explore each other's personalities we see love that is hard to undo. you don't come back from this. two people become one. they chase one goal. they chase a future. they promise you forever. you know you love them because you couldn't imagine it differently. true true love.

pile iv. girl brushing her hair

[c&p, the lovers, 4oW, 2oW, KoW, F., u.l. r (b), f.l (g)]

LISTEN!! this is my mushy lovey dovey pile 😭 the cards we got?? fantastic?? the oracle cards?? amazing. the pairing?? in my top 3. DO I NEED TO SAY MORE?? pile four, you all got cinderella and prince charming as the couple you two resemble. and before you throw a shoe at me let me just say that 1. I love the first cinderella movie and 2. that being said I will always pick the third one over the first one. and so that's the one I'll be focusing on for now :) because we all know that both of them weren't all there in the first movie 😵‍💫 now to start off with your f/s and yourself. if there's a pinnacle of love in this world you two have reached it with your connection. this is TRUE LOVE. like ultimate love. the world has blessed you pile four. marriage, no - union is inevitable here. you two are from very different worlds. if there are levels to this you two could be on opposite sides. but that's just what makes it all the more crazy when you meet. how, you might ask yourself later when everything happens, did I meet this person when our lives are completely different?? but the answer would simply then be that it was meant to be. how did cinderella always find her prince? fate. destiny. how did they just know with a simple touch that they were the "one" for each other? fate. destiny. it ties in for you and your f/s just as much as it did for them. pile four you might think at first that this isn't meant to be, that this is unrequited, that you and your person could never function together and be ONE but time will tell you eventually that you got it all wrong. you might even reject them at first too 😭 remember cinderella running from the prince when the clock struck 12? yeah, she was fleeing because of time but you're going to be fleeing because you're scared. scared of the connection. this might be the first time you really fall in love pile four. let them in when they come knocking on your door. as the old saying goes "if the shoe fits, wear it." sending you love.

was a little sleepy so hope this post makes sense 😭 but yeah, that was all for today 💞 I hope you have an amazing day and hope maybe a tad little more that it resonated. blessings xx

#pick a card #pick a pile #pick a pile reading #pac tarot #pac reading #intuitive readings #intuition #astro notes

[daisybell17]

Protecting You — Loki

Warnings: abusive & manipulative relationship, toxic relationship, abuse, physical violence, mentions of drinking, swearing, mentions of death, this fic mentions abuse in relationships so read with caution, and of course do NOT read if topics such as these make you uncomfortable or offended

WK: 4070 - Long fic ahead!

——————————————————————————

Asgard is known to hold some of the greatest theatre plays in all the nine realms, Midgard being their current competitor in the industry. Nonetheless, you never stopped your passion to be an actor. So when your agent contacted you about a role in an Asgardian performance, you couldn’t pass this opportunity.

Loki, Prince of Asgard, too shared this passion in the art of acting and theatre. Performing since he was just a child, his talented ability to capture audiences and his co-stars never failed, making him a world or shall I say, realm class celebrity.

Thus on the first Monday of rehearsals, you had met not only your idol but your partner in the lead role.

“H-Hi! My name is Y/N…I’m from M-Midgard and h-honestly, all this still s-seems unreal to me…b-ut! It’s an honour to meet you Mr. Laufeyson!” For as awkward as the first meeting was, Loki chuckled at your response and shook your hand.

“Well it is lovely to meet you Y/N, and please, please! Call me Loki” His eyes seemingly piercing your own. God he knew you were gorgeous on the stage, but seeing you in person and this up close? you were the most incredible being he’s ever met

Your mind was running laps as you shook his hand. Loki Laufeyson was your co-star. You were performing on Asgard. This is a dream come true!

“Ok then! Loki…I look forward to these next couple months working alongside you. I’ve heard nothing but amazing things about the Prince of Asgard and the talent he brings to the stage…And I might be coming off too strong here but I am a bit of a fangirl myself when it comes to your work”

“Really now?! Well I could only thank you for watching my work, I truly love all this and just hope to bring my best foot onstage” Loki was grinning like an idiot, keeping his composure as you two conversed

“And you hit the spot every time! Your take on some Midgardian performances left me speechless! The Asgaridan version of Hamilton was one I didn’t expect much from and yet it delivered perfectly!” Loki couldn’t hold back his laughter and smiles as you praised his work. He found himself blushing a little at your words, dazzled by the praise you were feeding him.

“You are truly too kind darling, I’m just glad to bring some of Midgaridan works here to Asgard, the theatre Midgard has is more my style as compared to what majority of Asgardians like…gods this is why this play is a big leap for us, but I have seen your works in the romance side and I am certain we can execute this perfectly”

Your eyes lit up as he said this…Loki has seen your work?! More specifically your romantic trope stories?! You were speechless

“You have?! Wow! I am…You have no idea how much that means to me! I have to admit that this sounds like an ego boost but I do consider them my best performances”

“Nothing wrong about being proud of your best works and darling you put on quite a show! Most shows here on Asgard are focused around war, politics, kingdoms and royalty so a little romance here and there surely brings out the humanity in me”

You had smiled as his response, and you two continued on with your conversation, getting to know one another and the passion you shared for theatre. As the day went on, you both went over your lines, practicing the timing, the emotion, delivery and much more. It was obvious to you both that It’s as if these roles were made for you both. A forbidden love story between god and woman, both finding their own ways in this world together, all the while they were ridiculed by the universe. You loved your role, you loved your co-stars, you loved sharing the stage alongside the talented man himself Loki Laufeyson. Life on the stage is one you wouldn’t trade for anything…

Although…while you shined on the stage, it would be idiotic to not admit that the magic you felt onstage did not translate to your real life.

“That’s a wrap for today! I will see you all on Wednesday!” Just like that the day was over and you had to part ways with everyone.

Packing up your belongings, you could hear footsteps approaching and upon turning your back you were met with Loki

“Hey Y/N! It was great working with you today and I must admit you truly have talent like no other”

You blushed at his comment and shot him a quick “Thanks” and “You too”

“You going straight home?”

“Uhm Yea? I have to get dinner started and all” You replied, packing the last of your stuff up.

“Oh…I see I see…Well I was actually wond-”

“Y/N Are you still fucking in there?!” A voice boomed through the room

Your eyes went wide and you quickly swung your bag behind your back “I-Im sorry Loki but I really have to go…”

“I-Uhm yea okay…I just really wanted to ask if-”

Suddenly you saw your boyfriend walk in, clearly angry at something. Loki’s eyes immediately shot at his direction as he watched this angry and slightly intoxicated man burst inside and you running to him an small panic

“Honey! James, I told you that I was working late today! Why are you even here?!”

“Honey? James?” Loki felt both confused and sad.

“No?! You said you’d be done by 4! That’s why i’m here…what? My girlfriend doesn’t come home to the time she said she was and you expect me to not be pissed?!”

“Honey what are you even talking about?! I never said I was off at 4! I even texted you I’d be home by 7!”

“You’re a liar!” James shouted and you quickly shushed him as to not attract any attention

Loki stared at you two. First he felt sad and quite disappointed to find out you had a boyfriend…he’s never fallen for anyone this quickly but something about sharing the stage with him and the passion you both shared brought out this lovey dovey feeling he had deep down inside. And with this being the first of many meetings, he knew he was bound to fall for you further. Second he felt rage towards your pathetic boyfriend, the cursing?! the shouting?! his intoxicated rage towards you?! and the attempt at manipulation was just below pathetic. Loki despises assholes like him, but of course he couldn’t do much about it.

“You’re calling me the liar?! Check your phone! I texted you!” You whispered shouted as you smelled the alcohol reeking from him

“God James are you seriously drunk as well?! You’ve been drinking too much lately”

He scrambled for his phone and saw the text you sent, grumbling to himself, he hissed an looked at you “Whatever I didn’t read it so its still on you! And i’m sorry? Does my drinking pose a problem with you? You’re barley home anyways, out here performing and shit. God I thought this was just some hobby or some shit”

“James?! Are you serious right now?! For the hundredth time…this is my life! my passion! Don’t you dare try to say its just some hobby!”

“Seriously Y/N?! It is! I mean look at this! Its a fake production of a fake story with real people just projecting a fantasy! its pure bullshit!”

You grumbled in frustration “You know what if you seriously have a problem with it why are you even here with me? Why did you come to Asgard huh?! Why!”

Loki knew he wasn’t supposed to be listening, but he couldn’t help himself as you were both arguing quite loudly. He wanted to destroy that pathetic man

“To protect you of course! And…ugh are you really going to make me say it?

“What?!”

“Ok i know its all bullshit but your work is the exception because its you! and UGH yes its bullshit but you blow my mind away sometimes…and you NEED me to protect you…I dont know who might steal your heart here on Asgard?”

“…mhm mhm…Ok can we just go home please?” You asked feeling both hurt but ok at best

“Yes we can go” James said and grabbed you harshly to the exit

You turned at Loki and waved a quick goodbye and mouthed “Im sorry” and walked away…Loki was beyond furious that poor excuse of a man could treat you that way. Calling theatre and acting bullshit?! Bringing your passions down?! Grabbing you in that manner? God it revolted him. You deserved better…so much better, but alas it wasn’t any of Loki’s business nor could he do anything much about it.

Loki never questioned you about that day, seeing as it was something quite personal to share, but he did ask you if you had a boyfriend and how long you two were together. He wasn’t quite happy to hear you’ve had to deal with this man for 2 years now. James would show up to pick you up after every session, either drunk, pissed, in no mood at all, or just being annoyed but he sweet talked his way to make you go home with him each time…even though, deep down inside it was like you were drowning, there were parts of you that were screaming to leave him but you just couldn’t, he was all you had. The most you could do is fantasies and take the small wins, even though you craved more, even though your soul craved better…Oh the guilt you felt when you saw Loki interacting with another co-start…you wished it was you…but- wait, why the hell am i even thinking that?! I have a boyfriend for god sakes! and Loki is just my co-star! Stop it Y/N.

The weeks went on and you and Loki continued to work together onstage. Offstage the both of you got to know one another better and because of this the more he fell for you, for someone he couldn’t be with. He was amazed by you. By your passion, your personality, your kindness…everything…and he knows better than to fall for his co-star but you were the breaker to his rule.

He couldn’t put into words just how amazing you are. Like a blast of energy that you couldn’t contain, just filled with so much drive, passion and life and he hated to admit that this became a small factor to motivate him everyday. To see you, to talk to you, gosh it was like he was a teenager again, eager to see his crush at school, but this was much different.

Although this one week, when you came in for the day, Loki had greeted you as usual, asking how things were or how you were liking Asgard and you gave a half-hearted reply, brushing him off almost entirely and you sat in the corner of the room, going over your lines on your own. Odd behaviour that Loki wasn’t used to and he was split between asking if you were ok or to leave it as is. This didn’t affect your performance onstage but it affected Loki. He didn’t like seeing you this way, and when James came in to pick you up that day, he made sure to stick with you as you both waited. That same week you came in looking worse and Loki decided to finally ask what was wrong, but you shot him down, not really wanting to talk about the horrible comments James had thrown at you last night about you, your career, your cooking or the fact he even threw the glass vase at your wall, sending glass flying and cutting your arm, though that was a scar you could hide. Loki didn’t push you on it anymore but he did request if they could finish earlier today.

“I think we should end a little early today seeing as you all have been working hard these past couple weeks. See you all on Friday!”

You were surprised to finish early today, but I guess it meant you had more time working on dinner. So you packed up and got ready to leave when Loki stopped you

“Y/N…I was wondering if maybe you’d like a cup of coffee before you go home for the day seeing as we finished earlier than usual”

“I uh..hmm” You thought about it, go home to James and cook earlier…or go with coffee with Loki…After last night you needed a break

“Ah why the hell not…coffee and….macaroons?” You asked in hopes to try of Asgardian pastries

“Coffee and macaroons it is! I know a great place near here, ran by a good family friend of mine, im sure you’ll like it”

“Can’t wait to try it” You smiled and let Loki lead the way to this mystery cafe.

Upon reaching the place, you were greeted to a busy yet lively scene. Calling this place beautiful would be underselling it.

“I’ll order us both a latte and grab one macaroon of each flavour, how’s that sound?”

“That sounds great” You smiled and reached for your wallet. “I’ll cover half, how much do I owe you?”

Loki’s faced contorted in confusion “W-What? Y/N!” He chuckled “It’s ok I got it! Treat is on me” He smiled

“What?! No no please! I can’t let you pay for all that! Please let me pay half”

“Nonsense this is on me, that’s final” Loki smiled “Its okay I promise, you deserve a treat, well I guess we do after the work these past weeks”

You sigh and accept his offer “Ok well…Thank you, you are too kind Loki…But next time we get a treat it’ll be on me ok?”

Next time. Ah so there would be a next time. Loki grinned at the thought…although reality snapped him back when he remembered your boyfriend “Hmmm, I would still treat you next time…but if you insist, next time you’ll treat us”

You nodded and Loki went and got the coffee and macaroons.

He came back with your treats and…they were the best damn macaroons you’ve had in your life

“Holy shit these are delicious! There has to be actual magic in these…amazing! amazing!”

Loki watched as you ate the sweet treats “Told you I knew a place and if you must know, they don’t have magic, just made with love”

You laughed “Ah yes…Love! Ok but seriously I need to bring a tray of these when I go back to Midgard, just one big tray of em all for me”

“You know I could do that for you? Perhaps we can share…if you are willing”

“Share?! Never! the imaginary tray of macaroons is mine only hehe” You smiled “okay maybe you can have one”

“Just one?!” Loki said in a dramatic tone “So you get a whole tray and I get one?!”

“Yes! One!” You laughed “I’’m so kind I know”

“Sure…sooooo kind! Y/N gives Loki ONE macaroon!” He teased…He wished you could both stay like this forever

As you were both enjoying each other company and the nature around you, James had spotted you as he was too on a coffee run and approached you both

“Y/N?! The hell you doing here?! I thought you were at work?!”

“Oh! H-Honey we just finished early today and L-Loki here invited me for some coffee and macaroons…I hope that’s alright by you”

“You should have told me first…or why didn’t you go home and start with dinner?”

“I uh…i’m sorry it slipped my mind and I was t-thinking…we could just…take out some dinner?”

“Y/N you’re better than this! I need to know where you are…and yea whatever we can get dinner out”

Loki sat there feeling awkward and so quickly cut the silence by introducing himself “Hi I am uh Loki…co-stars with Y/N…she’s told me about you James…uh nice to meet you”

Confused by this, James hesitantly shook his hand “Uh nice to meet you Loki…i guess…So what has Y/N said about me?”

“Uh…you both have been dating 2 years…and..yea..” Loki replied awkwardly

You watched James expression and you knew having these two meet was a horrible idea…but not much you can do now.

The two continued their VERY awkward conversation and soon James pulled you up and demanded you both went home

“Uhm…See you on Friday Loki” You say as James dragged you off

“Uh See you…” Loki was fuming…

Friday came around and one again your demeanour had shifted. You were shut off, closed, awkward and of course Loki noticed this. This wasn’t the real you, the you he had coffee and macaroons with…he was worried…he knew you deserved better, he knew he could treat you 100 times better. God he wished he could be yours…he would love you so much more than any other being. The day went so-so and Loki had waved you goodbye…all he looked forward to was the next week in which he could see you again…

So when you unexpectedly did not turn up the following week for practice, he was sad, but from his sadness quickly grew concern after seeing the nature of your boyfriend and how he treated you. He couldn’t focus the entire day, worried about what happened to you or if you were ok. Once the day was over, he quickly rushed to the nearest restaurant and bought some takeout for you to have, in case you had just come down with some sort of flu.

Approaching your temporary living space he immediately heard screaming from none other than James. Loki dropped the food at the doorstep and peaked through the window. He could only see James’s face as your back was facing the window. Loki couldn’t grasp the focus of the argument as James was mainly throwing horrible insults at you

“You bitch are you serious?! Why do you alway lie to me? After all I have done for you?! For us to get here!”

“James…its called ACTING! do i have to explain myself all the damn time?! And you better stop calling me a liar, I told you about the play, about the theme, about the scenes…and It’s fine its just acting…”

“Are you being fucking for real?! Are you serious now Y/N?! You expect me to believe that you’re telling the truth right now?! That these so called scenes weren’t just written in after you said yes to this?! God why couldn’t they just cast a single woman? Not someone with a boyfriend?!”

“BECAUSE JAMES IT WAS OFFERED TO ME! Because I have talent! I have passion! I am a performer, have been all my life! Sorry they casted me! Sorry they casted a woman in a relationship but its not like I can do anything about it?! Nothing is ever enough in your eyes and I don’t even know why I care for your opinion!”

“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND AND I AM NOT LETTING YOU GO WITH THIS PROJECT ANY FURTHER”

“WHAT NO?! you cant control my life like that asshole?!”

“THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME??? Y/N I DONT CONTROL YOUR LIFE BUT IM SURE AS HELL GONNA STOP YOU FROM ALL THE STUPIDITY YOUR DOING” James approached you, backing you up against the wall

“James! JAMES! STOP IT” He raised his hand over you

Loki’s eyes shot wide, accidentally knocking on the window and immediately James’s attention went to the window “HEY WHO THE HELL IS THERE?!” Loki scrammed immediately, leaving you and James to your own business.

After that incident he knew he has to something about it, he wasn’t going to watch as you get hurt by that horrible man.

You came in for the next practice session…with James which threw off everyone but instead of greeting your cast mates or even Loki, you darted straight to the hair and makeup station. Loki saw you zoom by and immediately tried to catch up with you, which only increased your walking speed, practically jogging at this point. James locked the door to the station and you ignored Loki completely. Passing conversations can be heard from you both…although Loki no longer cared, he was worried for you, he couldn’t stand the thought of what your bastard of a boyfriend could have done to you and so he forced himself in.

“Loki?! What the hell you broke the lock!” You say in shock with James sharing the same reaction as you

“I know but I can’t stand this anymore!” He marched towards you and went to grab your shoulders in an attempt for a hug, causing you to flinch and move back. Thrown off, Loki looked at you confused and “Y/N your face…” Loki got a real good look at the bruise on your arm, cheek, and neck…

Loki looked at you, then at James, and clicked.

“YOU BASTARD!” Loki launched at James

“HEY! HEY! HEY!” James shouted, blocking Loki’s hands and body

“What the hell did you do asshole? You did that? YOU hurt her?!” Loki managed to push past James’s block and locked his godly hands and arms onto his shoulder, gripping on so tight it caused your boyfriend to flinch and squirm in pain

“Hey man let me-”

”NO!” Using his magic, Loki blasted James against the wall, causing his body to shake as he fell to the ground “The hell is wrong with you?!” he screamed

“ME?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Loki approached him and placed his foot on his chest, letting his entire body weight shift to his foot.

“Ow! Jeez!”

“You know I don’t care who you are, I don’t care that you’re dating Y/N, you pathetic little man I will ruin your life for touching her, I will end your stupid, worthless, pathetic little existence for what you did to her! You understand me?! There is a special place in Hel for assholes like you! Bastards that think hitting, cursing and treating their partners like shit is even ok!”

“Loki stop it!” You shouted

He ignored you and grabbed James’s face “You ever come back here, you ever even think about seeing her again, or so help me god even think about laying another finger on her, I will snap your body like a twig and make sure you suffer a long…painful…demise” he growled

You saw all this happening and while you were terrified, part of you felt relief…it was over…it was finally over….right?

James struggled against Loki’s grasp, Loki looked like he was actually going to end him

“Loki look at me!” you shouted

He immediately did and saw your eyes, he saw that as much as James was an asshole…you didn’t want Loki to actually kill him

Loki looked back at James and let him go “This is your only chance to go…SCRAM”

And just like that James ran out, leaving your life for good

You and Loki stood there in awkward silence

…

“Loki?” You whispered

He immediately looked at you “Y/N!” He ran towards you, about to bring you to an embrace but remembering you were probably not comfortable at the moment “Are you ok…?”

“Not…really…but better” You admitted “Thank you…” You smiled at him.

“Of course…I-I couldn’t go on just working with you knowing or not knowing what was happening…I’m just glad you don’t have to deal with that asshole anymore…right?”

“Yea…its over…after yesterday…I knew we were through, I just didn’t know how to end it…so thank you…so so so much…You’ve done more for me than most people have about all this…” You hugged him as tears fell from your eyes

He hugged you back carefully as to not startle you “I love you to much to see you like this” Loki blurted. Uh shit?! Not the time?!

“You love me?” You pulled away and asked

Loki went red at your question “I-I Uh…yea? I do…I do love you…look I know were just co-stars and hell you just went through such a shitty thing and this is the worst way to say it but yes I love you…a lot” he fumbled at his words

You smiled at him “Despite everything…and I wont lie… but I love you too”

You both embraced each other as you felt the safety of his love and his arms

——————————————————————————

(a/n): this took awhile for me to get out bc tbh i dont really know how to write a story like this...very well...but either way i got through it! hope you enjoyed and james is an asshole

TAGS: @jennaortegaswifeyy

#loki #loki laufeyson #mcu loki #loki marvel #loki x reader #loki x reader angst #loki is an actor #loki fanfiction #loki fanfiction angst #loki fanfic #loki and you #loki angst #read warnings #loki laufesyon x reader #loki secretly loves you #actor!loki #actor!y/n #loki and y/n #loki and reader #shit boyfriend #james is an asshole #loki being protective #loki is in love with you #loki protects you #loki odinson #long fic #loki angst fics #loki angst fic #loki hurt

[hazelsmirrorball]

Holidate

pairings: JJ Maybank x Kook! Reader summary: Y/n lies to her parents to make them accept her boyfriend, JJ.  warnings: angst, toxic relationship, fight (not physical) English isn’t my main language so sorry for any mistakes. a/n:   HI! i'm back and I wanted to say I’m sorry for being mia. I was busy with college and planning galentines with my friends. Since I didn’t upload for several days I will be making up for it by uploading more than one imagine to catch up. So hope you guys enjoy this sad imagine!!

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JJ tugged around the fancy tie he was wearing trying to make it stop suffocating him. He hated this, he hated this fancy suit and he hated this damn party. He looked around taking in his surroundings knowing that if it were another occasion and he was asked to a party like this he would’ve said no. He wasn’t like this, he didn’t like fancy drinks, fancy outfits and fancy occasions. JJ preferred unprepared parties, a week old dirty outfit and cheap beer but when Y/n came into his life he knew he had to change.

JJ had met Y/n through Kie and quite honestly he didn’t know how to explain how they ended together but they just did. Y/n was a kook, her family was one of the richest families in figure 8. So when Y/n had asked JJ if he wanted to be her date for her parents' famous Valentines day party he agreed quickly. They had been dating for a year and never had Y/n mention her parents and JJ didn’t want to pry since he didn’t want to talk about his parents either.

At first JJ was all down to meet Y/n’s parents but when John B had told him things he had heard about the family he could feel his body tense and his nerves start to build up. It wasn’t a secret that the L/n’s were pretentious douchebags, JJ knew it but he had  pushed those thoughts away. Hearing John B was his wake up call but instead of staying home and acting sick like his best friend suggested he let himself get dragged by his girlfriend to the party.

When Y/n started entering her driveway JJ stood there in awe taking in the enormous house and all the expensive cars surrounding it.

“Promise me you won’t leave me alone” JJ said nervously biting the sides of his thumb while he saw big groups of people dressed all up entering the house. Y/n quickly slapped his hand away and looked at him with a smile.

“Everything is going to be okay JJ, I promise you I won’t leave your side” Y/n said while leaning in to kiss his lips. JJ could feel all his nerves ease down and it quickly stopped when the couple stepped out of the car a group of people approached them and that's when all hell broke loose. Kooks started approaching left and right pushing them away from each other but from JJ eyes Y/n could even care less. Her voice changed something that she rarely did with him. After a few minutes of them talking to Y/n she quickly disappeared from his eyesight.  

And that’s JJ had ended up standing in a corner holding a tray of snacks while munching on them quietly, patiently waiting for his girlfriend to appear so he could excuse himself and leave, but by the looks of it she wouldn’t care if he left or stayed. It had been two hours and he hadn’t seen his girlfriend anywhere.

“Young man, you must be JJ Maybank, am I correct?”

JJ slowly turned around looking towards the person asking for his name. None here was going to give him a second thought in this party, let alone know his name. That’s when his heart stopped,there they were Mr. and Miss. L/n asking for his name while Y/n is nowhere to be found. JJ quickly settles the appetizers down, cleaning his hands on his pants while stretching his hand to shake her dad’s hand.  

“Yes! That would be sir” JJ responded, quickly swallowing the food and sending him a smile. Y/n’s mom sent him an approving look while leaning towards him and kissing both of his cheeks.

“Oh, It’s an honor to finally meet you. Our Y/n has talked wonders about you” Y/n’s mom responded while taking a sip of her drink elegantly. Y/n’s dad nodded and looked down at the boy.

“The honor is mine. I’m so glad I can finally meet you. Y/n always talk about how great you guys are” JJ said lying with ease.

“Well may just say that you're quite handsome. Don’t know how Y/n scored a guy like you” her mom responded inspecting his every move. JJ nervously smiled but kept his composure.

“A man finally worthy of her attention. You have a great future ahead of you boy, Y/n has told me all about the things you're thinking about when you finish highschool. If I can give you a little advice, I studied at Stanford so I truly believed that’s the place to go and if you do, maybe you can even join our business”  her dad responded making JJ furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Excuse me?” JJ asked, looking between the two trying to understand if he heard anything wrong.

“ D/N, stop scaring the poor boy! He doesn’t need your business advice. His dad is a great businessman. He has to have perfect help. He doesn’t need your business to look at what he’s wearing. ” Her mom responded pointing down at his suit. JJ quickly looked down at the outfit remembering when Y/n had given him this suit as an early valentine's day gift so he could wear it here.

“I’m not following,” JJ asked, still not getting what was happening.

“No need to be humble, son. Y/n has told us about all the business your family has out of the states. I’m finally glad she started dating someone worthy and willingly wanting to stay in business. I was starting to get scared when she started hanging out with low lives at the beach” Her dad responded, making JJ finally get what was happening. He tried to calm himself by sticking his nails against his fingers.

“Can you excuse me for a second?” JJ asked as calmly as possible, not even waiting for a response he walked towards the exit locking eyes with his girlfriend before walking out the door. Before he could start his way towards his house he felt a hand hold his arm making him turn around.

“Where are you going? The party is just starting” Y/n asked, pouting at him. JJ pushed her hand away and angrily glared at her.

“Well. I’m glad you’re having fun but for me the party kinda ended so I just want to go home”

“Since when are you  such a buzzkill?” Y/n asked, annoyed at his behavior. JJ scoffed and shook his head while loosening his tie.

“Since my girlfriend left me alone in a party of people I don’t know after she promised me she wouldn’t leave. Oh and also I had a lovely conversation with your parents” He said quite loudly.

“Oh” Y/n said, her face falling.

“Oh? That’s all you have to say to your boyfriend, the business man?” He said while laughing sarcastically.

“What do you want me to tell you, JJ? That I’m sorry? That’s what you want to hear '' Y/n responded loudly getting face to face with JJ.

“Well, a person with human decency would say they were sorry. That would be the least they could do after telling all those lies about their partner  to their parents” He responded the same way.

“You should be thanking me because I made your life actually interesting” Y/n responded quickly regretting it after seeing JJ’s face.

“Yeah, you’re actually right. You did make my life interesting. But it wasn’t the fancy clothes, the lies and the gift. It was the genuine connection and moments we had together that made my life actually interesting. All of this, it’s not me and you know it. So I’ll do you and your parents a favor. I’ll leave you with the businessman of your dreams and listen to the words John B told me, leave before you get your heart broken” JJ slipped off the expensive blazer and handed it to her. JJ started walking towards his house not looking back at Y/n breaking down on the floor while holding t6he blazer. Great way to spend valentines day.

requests are open, xoxo.

[MASTERLIST]

#jj mayback imagine #jj maybank #the outer banks #outer banks #jj x reader #jj mayback x reader #jj Maybank x reader #JJ #JJ x Kook!reader #valentinesday #valentines

[singto-prachaya]

Y-So finally I got time to talk about the DMD announcement. We will start with the announced series and then some other stuff.

Bed Friend

That teaser! I am super excited. I hope the script and the acting is good.

Middleman’s Love & First Love (K-BL)

I like to hope that they just didn’t have enough footage for a teaser yet because the teaser was a bit messy. But either way will watch since TutorYim. I wonder how many people will skip Bed Friend and this because Cheewin is producing this (War Of Y, Secret Crush On You, Y-Destiny YYY). Also anyone who’s now hating on this show now because Mii2 is longer in it can fuck off. They can go cry me a river!.

Seems the K-BL of TutorYim is called First Love and it’s by the same company as Peach Of Time. I really liked that one so I will probably watch this one.

Cutie Pie 2 You special

I will watch the NuerSin parts and that’s it. Don’t care about the rest.

Naughty Baby & 2 Worlds

There’s no poster for 2 Worlds so I will just put it together with Naughty Baby since both are MaxNat anyway. I have always been uncomfortable with MaxNat so I will not watch these. As far as 2 Worlds I already was like “no way in hell” when this series was announced and read the sympnopsis. So no matter who would star in this I would have passed on it anyways.

Love Upon A Time

Seems to be a reincarnation type of story so for now no. I just don’t like those. I will just wait for the final trailer before making a final decision.

The Next Prince

Just like I get uncomfortable with MaxNat I also do with ZeeNew so I will pass.

Punk Spy

I was already going to watch this and I still will. I just hope Thomas won’t get any hate thrown forwards him for being Jimmy’s replacement. Toxic fans can go somewhere else.

Zomvivor

I find zombies boring. Watched a Korean zombie movie once and it was a waste of time. Also don’t care for zombie horror games while I love horror games so I’ll pass.

Your Sky and Fan Boy

These will be the shows for the new gen! We don’t really know much besides that Fan Boy will be an original script. I will keep my eyes for the trailers and then make a decision. I do want to support the new gen tho.

DMD Boyband

WHO THE HELL ASKED FOR THIS??? Yes this whole segment will be in bold because I have nothing good to say about this. I know Aof has talked a couple of times about this before and every time I was like hell no. And who will be in this? A tweet said “DMD Boyband will definitely happen, but cant be hurry b'cs need to practice untill they're ready. And hv to qait & c, who ll b qualified”. Well then they can wait for ages because they don’t have any actors who can both sing and dance. Unless the whole new gen turns out be good singers and dancers. What’s the point in creating a mediocore BL boyband? Is Aof just hoping people will eat it up? The only good BL boyband we have is Trinity. SBFIVE was mediocore, Tempt wasn’t good at all, no BL boyband was more tragic then NKO and they are basicly dead now. They got new members earlier this year but there’s only 2 left now. Then we saw the debut of XI earlier this year and at first I didn’t even know it was a BL boyband. But they will star in boyband the series. Anyway no effort being made with this boyband either. And then there’s Element. Element could be worse but also better. They don’t even sing live. Even Proxie who aren’t know for the best vocalist sing live.

And last but not least. Why where the Aholic guys even there? They are not appearing in anything.

#bed friend #bed friend the series #middleman's love #cutie pie 2 you #naughty baby #2 worlds #love upon a time #the next prince #punk spy #zomvivor #your sky #fan boy #thai bl

[threeimagineryboys]

I just binged The Morning Show and since s3 is in production I just gotta get a few things of my chest. First off I need to say that I love Corey (yes, even tho he leaked the article) but to pin him and Bradley together as a romantic couple is harmful and undermines the tone of the whole show. 

We need to remember what show we are in. Most of the show has been about sexual misconduct in the work place. Corey is Bradley’s boss. And I just can’t get past that. And the way he goes behind Bradleys back in order to “take care of her” is just a major red flag. He tries to control her, and justifies is with it being for her best interest, that is literally one of the most toxic traits someone can have. So yeah, Corey is a male manipulator. And as much as I do like him we need to establish the fact that he is an antagonist.

I get the fact why some people oppose Laura. She’s confident in who she is, she’s gone to therapy and has this maturity many people only dream off. It can come off as intimidating. But the relationship she has with Bradley is healthy. They care for each other, they aren’t trying to benefit from one another. I’ve seen some people saying Laura’s using Bradley to get some kind of rep with UBA which makes no sense at all. She is well established on her own, as is Bradley.

By ep10, Laura has laid out her concerns that if Bradley doesn’t put up boundaries for her family she will never heal from her traumatic childhood and as harsh as it sounds it is the truth.  I have bipolar disorder myself, I know how hard it is on my family. I personally have not dealt with addiction but I know people who’s families have been destroyed by it. Bradley has tried, she has paid for Hal’s rehab in the past and ha been there for him, unconditionally. With no results. The idea that we are responsible for our family members, and that we have to lose ourselves for them is very patriarchal. And Laura does not manipulate Bradley to cut Hal off, she does not order her to do so. She laid out her concerns and gave her, good healthy advise. 

In contrast to Laura, Cory immediately jumps to help Bradley to search for Hal. But we need to know that there is another reason for him to be doing that and that being that he is responsible for Hal coming to NYC, Hal losing it over Bradley’s outing (which was h o r r i b l e and traumatic for me as a queer person btw) by being the one who outed Bradley in the first place. We knew that Corey had feelings for Bradley because he got hurt when he heard the gossip about her and Laura. He sleazes his way to get a permission to run the story, by again, manipulating her. He did not out Bradley just because they wanted to protect Hannah, he outed Bradley and Laura because in a way he felt it was his right by, in his mind, being led on by Bradley. And in the midst for searching for Hal, he decides to have this moment to declare his love for Bradley, which in my opinion just further tells us he isn’t doing anything for Bradley, or Hal, or anyone but himself. It is not romantic, is is not friendship. It is greed.

So to sum it up I really hope the show won’t start running in circles, because that’s what happens of they try to make Corey and Bradley a couple. I get the excitement, but it’s not sustainable. Laura and Bradley could make a sustainable, loving, caring couple and that is something that the LGBTQ+ community still needs to see be represented on tv, especially for wlw couples. If they used Bradley’s plot line of her exploring her sexuality to only further plot twists for her to end up with Corey? That is in my opinion homophobic storytelling and it needs to be addressed. 

And if that is the way they choose to take the story I won't be tuning in for s3. 

Rant over. 

#bradley jackson #cory ellison #laura peterson #the morning show #tms #tms2 #tms3 #the morning show 3 #cory x bradley #bradley x laura #laura x bradley #lgbtq+ #wlw #uba #reese witherspoon #billy crudup #julianna margulies

[fixfoxnox]

Can’t stop thinking some ideas that popped up in my head last night for the Camboy/streamer AU because i was working late and needed something to keep me sane

- Roach being a smaller streamer and announced he would be having a Subathon and Ghost accidentally (it was not an accident, he’s a simp) donated him too much money and now poor roach has 72 hours worth of stream time mere minutes after he started streaming, he didn’t expect to go that long nor actually getting that much money in one sitting (literally he just sat down) and he’s sitting there frozen in place because why did Ghost, THE GHOST donated so much money, he asks if it was an accident and he would gladly return the money if it was, and ghost who has never spoken in chat before revealed that nope; he’s just…supportive of smaller streamers ( a huge roach simp)

- Roach found out that Ghost/Soap follows his spicy twitter (works for OF too but i have no idea how OF works lol) so he puts on their merch and may have had a little TOO much fun with his photo shoots and his little uh…spicy Video may have accidentally gone viral in the Ghost/Soap community and people are FREAKING OUT, there’s copy cats for other streamers too and Roach almost gets a heart attack one morning when #dicksfortwitchstreamers goes viral and a censored version of his tweet was the top post on the Top twitter Page

Some smaller stuff that i couldnt see fitting in the AU

- Soap convincing Ghost (or vice versa) to join a dating show online, and he someone chooses someone that to the community is really toxic and only joined the game to gain popularity, and while Ghost has no intention of getting to know the person, it didn’t stop roach from absolutely SLAMMING the ever living fuck out of the person in his alt account, and for a bit of Angst, add roach in that dating show too and Ghost turns him down out of pure shyness cause he couldn’t even talk to Roach nor look at him in the eyes without going beet red

- Roach, Ghost and Soap in a compilation together, thats how they found out about him, could be for a video titled “Streamers with Thich accent” or “Cutest Twitch Couples (and its of Jackson and Roach / Price and Gaz/Ghost and Soap of course)”

Now on to the “Ghost is reborn but due not wanting to pursue the same career becomes a streamer instead” streamer/camboy AU

- found Roach by accident while going through the COD tag, Roach is playing the game for the first time and he goes into the stream just as Roach gets shot and he almost goes into cardiac arrest when he hears Roach scream (I know Roach didn’t say anything but lets pretend he did) he actually had to go to the hospital for his panic attack though, doctors still trying to convince him he doesn’t have PTSD (yeah right u fucks)

- as much as ghost wants to ignore this Roach in favour of trying to convince his own roach to join him, there’s just something about the idea of letting go of the past and continuing to live in a universe in which both of them would find comfort and happiness with the same people they once knew

- on one of Roach’s chill stream he mentions he would like to get a tattoo one day, he’s deadly afraid of needles though, maybe he’ll get one if someone holds his hands though :> this is when their friendship had blossomed quite a bit so Ghost goes to his chat to say he would hold his hands, in any universe (and he will never let it go, never)

Reading the top part: 🥰

Getting down to the Ghost remembers part: 🥲😭

I love the idea of Ghost justgetting so hasty to donate to Roach that he

A) Donates way too much without thinking and

B) Forgets to switch to his alt account when he does it sjjdjfjfjfj

I can just see chat losing their mind and Roach is just staring at the screen completely frozen and when Ghost gives his stressed excuse of "I just like to support smaller streamers" within a week people are calling him out like "You've never donated to anyone else 🤨" and he just refuses to address what happened shshshsh

Stealing the Roach dressing in their merch for some of his content idea because YES

It would happen later in the au and he finds out but can't get them to admit it so he starts doing things like that to try to send hints/get them to confess and he's like "Oh I'm sorry I just grabbed something 😇" and when the video goes viral he can literally see Ghost and Soap struggling lmao

Bonus points if he's in the room with them when they find the video on Twitter and gets to watch them have a meltdown while trying not to show it AH

Also I literally have to write the compilation idea as a non-canon oneshot now. I already love Ghost and Soap being jealous of Jackson cause he's in all the videos, but if they think Roach and Jackson are dating before they ever find his content? Then fall for him while thinking they're dating??? THE DRAMA! THE JEALOUSY!

I can just imagine like a video comes out of Jackson somewhere kissing someone or something (just like a fun one time thing for him) and Ghost and Soap are royally pissed on behalf of Roach and even more pissed when Roach posts another video with Jackson. They think Jackson managed to convince Roach to stay with him and they end up making a bunch of passive aggressive tweets about it or something

Drama channels are eating it up and when Roach realizes the tweets are about Jackson he's pissed because that's his best friend tf? JUST THE CONCEPT MAN AH

Also adore the internet dating show idea so much like I can just see Ghost getting to the end with Roach and this other person and he chooses the other person cause he's too nervous to get any further with Roach.

Roach is absolutely heartbroken but he's still like "well I want him to be happy and have a good date" then the video of Ghost and this other person's date comes out and its so clear that there had to be HEAVY editing done to make it seem even slight normal and even with the editing everyone can tell that this other person was bring a bit of a dick to Ghost.

The internet is pissed, naturally, and Roach literally goes radio silent on his main account, but is making the most insane rants on his alt account about how shit this person was and how he (Roach) would have never treated Ghost like that. He literally ends up getting his act account banned from the other persons twitch chat because he is in there cyber bullying to the max.

A few months later when the other persons internet career has essentially failed and gone stagnant, when someone asks him about it on chat the clip of his smug and way too satisfied reaction goes viral ajdjdjjd

For Ghost Remembering Specifically:

God the idea of him getting so excited to find Roach only to immediately have to deal with a PTSD trigger just...oh man. And you know that he probably ended up taking time off from streaming and everything for a bit after and was essentially just dealing with the sudden memories and rise of paranoia and anxiety on his own. Soap helps a bit but he doesn't understand and Ghost doubts he would believe him if he did tell him. God...I feel so bad for him man.

He tried to stay away from Roach's stream but after another conversation with SiTO Roach he just needs to see him. He just needs to see a version of the man he loved being happy and not weighed down by what happened. Roach's streams quickly turn from a trigger for him into a form of comfort to come down from things. If he can see that Roach is happy and alive it helps him work through everything.

With the tattoo thing 😭 I know when they eventually get together they do go get a matching tattoo and within like two weeks there are compilations of Ghost touching the tattoo when he gets nervous or stressed or just needs to calm down.

I also had an idea for Ghost who remembers: he gets like invited to do one of those streamer fights things against a super toxic streamer and he says no cause like...he has a whole life of military experience that he's actually kept up with training wise and he is not going to put someone through it. Then the other streamer makes a video or something shit talking and Ghost is still like insisting he's not going to do it even when his community is pissed. Roach doesn't understand why he's so against it but supports him and ends up like briefly mentioning the situation on one of his streams.

That clip of Roach talking about it and very kindly dissing the toxic streamer goes viral and the toxic streamer responds with yet another video shit talking Ghost, but this time he fucks up and brings Roach into it. Ghost sees the video and see's this Toxic streamers wanna be alpha male community shitting on Roach and he gets pissed. Though he doesn't want to rise to taunts, you absolutely do not fuck with his bug and get away with it. He calls the people back and says he's changed his mind if they still want him to do it.

Naturally he absolutely sweeps the floor with and humiliates the other streamer

GUYS I LOVE THE STREAMER/CAMBOY AU

#thoughts with luke #you asked luke #gary roach sanderson #simon ghost riley #camboy au

[closetednobody]

Do you think Carina deserve better? Maya seems to be going in this pattern and it's frustrating. Of course i would like them to be together, but imo Maya has become too toxic for Carina.

Hello OP!

Thank you for the question!

Well... I'll answer this in two parts : first, why I don't think Maya has become too toxic for Carina, although their relationship is currently toxic in nature. Second, my opinion on "does Carina deserve better?". Here comes my long writing (because i have time 😂)

1.

The most toxic trait, in my opinion, is narcissism and the HARDEST mental illness to treat is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). If I were to analyze Maya, I believe she has depression and complex PTSD. Why do I start with this, you might ask.

It is hard pill to swallow that EVERY relationship that lacks good communication IS toxic in nature, regardless if it is familial, filial, or friendships. Communication is especially more important and harder to achieve in romantic relationship/marriage (and this would take an hour lecture to dissect). And when your partner has a mental illness, it'll get 3x harder. And if they are in denial, double that challenge.

As someone who is aware and has learned how to manage my own set of illnesses, I am aware that I am still a difficult person to be with and this is caused by the complexity of our mind itself.

Everyone can have moments of poor mental health but not everyone has a mental illness.

Carina has "issues" but she doesn't have any indication of any chronic mental illness. So, although she is still susceptible to rash/unwise/emotional decisions, she is still in the right mind. She still has the capacity to make a sound judgment before she decides, e.g. seeing that therapy will help/talking to people about her feelings and problems/trying to connect with Maya (arguably she is trying to love bomb Maya into a resolution)/taking the pregnancy test.

Maya, however, has issues coupled with an underlying mental illness. Right now, her mental health is deteriorating and it brings her illness to the surface.

For example, Person A and B have a case of bad rash. Both Person A and B are allergic to dust however, Person B has genetic eczema. Person A could be prescribed with normal lotion as treatment, but Person B might need the same lotion + a steroid injection etc and would take longer time to heal with a bigger risk of infection/recurrence.

The hardest thing about chronic mental illness is, it could be treated - one could recover, and the illness could be managed which helps someone to live a normal and more fulfilling life - but sadly, as of right now, it couldn't be cured.

So, I would always advise my clients with illness to learn about their patterns and to never blame themselves when the cycle starts again. The patterns/cycles are beyond our control but the treatment and management of the illness are (hence why Carina insisted that Maya needs treatment).

This also why I am careful NOT to say that "Maya IS frustrating"; she is not, but her patterns (self-destructive, hostile behavior) are. And it is frustrating for her too especially when she is unaware of her conditions. So, when we are voicing out opinions on this, it is good to have an awareness of the right language to use, as it might hurt REAL people out there who are going through similar struggles.

Imagine if Person B doesn't know that they have genetic eczema. Wouldn't it be frustrating for them to see Person A is recovering with a simple lotion while theirs are worsening?

So... is Maya too toxic for Carina? My answer is No, referring to my personal, initial diagnosis earlier. But at the time being, their relationship IS toxic. But it's unintentional from BOTH sides. Right now, they became toxic to each other because they are both stuck in their own separate mindsets. A healthy relationship requires both to be open and understand each other. Right now, Maya is closed and wants Carina to help in the way that she wants while Carina is not trying to understand Maya and just projecting her solutions to Maya. She is getting impatient and I don't blame her.

But it could improve. If BOTH of them go into therapy or sit down and work it out. It's painful to watch them in this state, but I think (I can't believe I'm saying this), it's good that they didn't resolve this in one or two episodes because in reality, managing mental illness takes a lifetime and we want relationships to last forever - "do the math" as the Twitter folks love to say. 😂 let's see if the writers are doing it right this time.

2.

Does Carina deserve better?

I am a firm believer that if you want to look for someone better, you will always find one. Because nobody is perfect (or I would say, everyone is perfect in their own unique way). You will always have an excuse to cheat or a reason to leave but to build and stay in a long, healthy relationship, we have to both work to be better everyday for ourselves and our partner.

And to have someone who loves you and would choose you forever? I would say, that is almost the best that one could have ever asked for. For me, that would be a good enough reason to stay.

(And let's be reminded that Maya didn't prepare her vows. So this vow is as honest as it could be. 😌)

-------

To conclude,

Every relationship is a journey and mental illness is an additional obstacle to overcome throughout. Having an understanding and supportive partner is a blessing especially for those who are struggling with mental illness.

However, having an illness is not a warrant to hurt others and doesn't justify abusive behaviors. Recognizing your mistake, apologizing, learning from it, and not repeating it is an ongoing process that will either build or break your relationship.

So, if you love someone and choose them forever, you need to do the work that comes with it 😌

#answered #maya x carina #maya bishop #carina deluca #they'll be okay.

[dhampiravidi]

song-based RP prompts

Bite My Tongue: Person A & Person B were a semi-famous couple, where A was the “regular person” & B the famous musician. Initially, A was loving & supportive, but once B made it big, they withdrew emotionally, only there to enjoy the fame & money of their partner. In fact, the next time A & B fight, A agrees to an interview where they disclose lots of B’s dirty secrets. B doesn’t respond as their social media receives as much hate as it does apologies. Then they release a song that pretty clearly drags A’s name through the mud.

No More Friends: Person A keeps getting texts from their ex (Person B), who is trying to make small talk each time. A ignores them until B posts a picture of the two of them together for Throwback Thursday. This kinda fucks with A’s next first date, for obvious reasons. So A confronts B (either in-person or via public comments). Humiliated, B tries to go on dates & do take pictures with hot people to seem like they’re moving on. A does the same, but are they just playing pretend, or-?

Happier: Person A has left Person B at the altar (or the airport/car just before their honeymoon). B desperately races to find them, but were they ever really happy with A? Or are they just afraid of learning what it feels like to be happy by themselves?

Wish I Could Forget: Person A & Person B were in an abusive relationship where A constantly gaslit B. A would do petty & cruel things, then somehow play the victim when B confronted them. But when A cheats on B, B pulls a “Waiting to Exhale” & burns a bunch of their former partner’s stuff, ending their relationship for good.

Kool-Aid & AmEN: Person A is a rock star who is often condemned by religious leaders for their controversial lyrics & beliefs. These leaders all happen to be exposed for various crimes within a few months, as A becomes more famous. B is a fan of A, so when the world’s infrastructure begins to crumble due to (insert catastrophe), they’re amazed to find themselves in the safety of a group led by A. A is just as charismatic as B thought they’d be—the whole group adores them. Better yet, A & B seem to have a budding romance, even as they face disease, warring factions & unthinkable horrors. But this romance is tested when B discovers that A is part of a group that engineered the apocalypse in the first place—& A isn’t exactly human.

maybe: Person A finds Person B in their previously-shared living space, having an alcoholic drink. B has already moved their stuff out; they did so when A was gone & A’s new significant other was home. Now B is drunkenly confessing their feelings to A, who secretly wishes the two of them were still trying to make things work.

CODE MISTAKE: Person A grew up knowing Person B—they weren’t close, but they liked each other enough. Now A is on the news, supposedly on a rampage (maybe they’re just running from the authorities for Reasons). B goes after them, but A keeps running away, refusing their help. They believe they cannot ever deserve a love like B’s (whether platonic or romantic).

Bad Habits: Person A is Person B’s dark side. This might mean that A is a bad influence or that they’re actually some being that shares a body with B. Either way, A finds it harder & harder to resist B each time their dark side takes control, leading them to make more dangerous & hedonistic decisions.

Werewolf: Person A is a werewolf whose best friend is Person B, a vampire. Every Friday (barring any full moons), they meet up for drinks, mostly to vent about their supernatural problems. Then they make a bet: with the help of a witch, they’ll switch bodies for a month to see whose life is harder. Whoever asks to switch back first has to do the other a favor (& pay for that Friday’s drinks, obviously).

All Around Me: Person A & Person B are in a romantic relationship—only, B is dead, extant in the form of a ghost that is invisible yet tangible to A. This relationship might be a little toxic (or at least not the healthiest), as A only feels “alive” when they’re with B. It’s up to you if A can hear B’s voice.

#song prompt #music #prompt list #plot bunny #admin #mine #bring me the horizon #bmth #flyleaf #rp prompts

[kierreras]

i’m now rewatching first two seasons of obx in order to prepare for the new one and there is one thing that drawn my attention for this rewatch. i am pissed at how relationships were formed previously and i am so glad that we are getting slowburn with jiara because they are the healthiest canon (ish?) relationship that we could have in obx right now so, i love jarah. i really do, i think they simply click together. i am not a huge shipper because of the whole fastburn romeo-juliet kind of love not being my thing, but they simply work for me. still their beginning is not the healthiest. before they went to mainland together, we saw how john b reacted to sarah. one scene in particular stand out for me - when ward fired him after stealing scuba and he literally went and released his anger on sarah. which, let’s be honest, is really out of character for him. he threw away her bag of chips and the way he talked to her (or yelled at her?) was really bad. i understand that this was his job and he was convinced that it was sarah who snitched on him, but it does not give him a permission to act like that with any girl. also, when john b found out that ward knows about the gold and went to cameron’s - let me tell you if i was sarah i would have screamed. i know that after that there was no indication of such a behaviour from john b, but those two scenes totally imprinted in my memory.  moving on to pokie, where do i start? first of all, you cannot guilt force someone into a relationship. and i honestly think that this was guilt-forced from both sides. pope was the one who acted so salty for no reason. when you are rejected, you are rejected. you can feel all the emotions you need, but you can’t be mad at another person for simply not feeling the same way. yes, rejection in such a young age sucks, but processing the rejection by painting another person as a villain cannot be okay. from kie’s point of view, i can see her clenching to pope because she has just lost her best friend and she could not lose another one. was it healthy to cope this way? totally not, but it could be justifiable.  i am not so negative on them having sex. it was unnecessary, yes, but it is realistic. because you know that it’s not working, your relationship does not make you happy, so you go full on, trying for it to work. using sex as a last straw to make it work. and breaking up after first time is so real. every friend i know broke up with his first time partner. and it’s okay, this is how life works.  however, again being petty and playing on guilt is not justifiable.  i am even going to start with sarah/topper because topper is just a massive red flag. so, moving to two couples that were left out of this list? jiara and cleope. listen, there is only one scene with jiara that i treated as scene with toxic vibe and i know that many people would not agree with me. however, there is a scene where jj shakes her shoulders near the car in one of the last episodes of season two, i don’t like it. i just don’t like when there is an angry touch involved. and i know that it could be interpreted as jj’s inability to show emotions in stressful situations because of his abusive childhood, but it wasn’t on my mind when i first saw this scene.  other than that, there is no single scene that i interpreted as kind of a red flag. the way writers handled them, their silent communication, the way they care about each other. their banter is always light and the only time they were accusing each other was during their incident with pope’s camera. still, jj yealling “why are you always taking his side? why are you never on mine?” doesn’t sound like he is angry at kiara, it is just him feeling hurt, that’s all. so jiara could potentially have healthy start which not many obx ships had, just saying. as for cleope, i am sure they are going to be sweet and their second-love trope has so much potential by default. also, no past is hanging above their head for now, no family drama, so they potentially could have a very healthy story of healing broken heart and falling in love again. and i’m here for it.

#obx rewatch thoughts #obx #outer banks #jiara #jarah #cleope #stopper #obx3

[sweetbillwriting]

The Stranger I Love

4 - Green Calcite

Description: Misha and Axel lives a bohemian life together and they love each other dearly even though Axel's mood swings have made it difficult for them. When Axel starts to change, so does their relationship and Misha start to feel like she lives with a stranger.

Characters: AU Axel Cluney (Zeitgeist) from Deadpool 2 played by Bill Skarsgård. The rest is my own original characters.

Warnings: 18+, drugs, alcohol, drunkeness, mental health problems, toxic relationships, jealousy, cheating.

Notes: This is told from a first person's perspective as you know so remember it is from her view, her narrative. I also want to say thank you to @b-afterhours who always take time to proofread my chapters.

I heard a loud pop when I walked through the door. I was wet from the rain, autumn had come early this year and Axel's and my relationship had also grown colder. Two weeks of no sex, two weeks of seeing him dissappear out to run or take his bike to his father.

At first, I couldn't place the sound but I peeked into the kitchen and saw Axel pouring up my favorite cava in one of my crystal champagne glasses. It looked like he had tried to dress up and wore his most fitted black jeans and the khaki green button up I used to steal from him. I felt underdressed in leggings and his hoodie but I had also worked ten hours.

"What's this?" I asked and walked closer to him. Axel smiled wide. I hadn't seen that smile for a long time and I wanted to kiss his dimple and the other one on the side of his chin. But I didn't. It didn't feel like we were that kind of couple anymore.

Axel took a deep breath and gave me a glass.

"I'm going to be a student in two weeks," he said and smiled nervously. "Furniture design at the design school. Dad helped me put in a late application and today they called. They said they were happy I had applied and that my work sample was impressive."

I could see Axel's eyes were shiny, he rarely heard he was good at anything. He had been a burden in most settings he was in, it started in school and since then he had been caught in that thought. It surprised me he dared to apply but I was happy for him but it wasn't the feeling that took over.

I smiled at Axel but didn't know what to say. He had really been a burden throughout his school time. The only reason he gained his degree was because he cheated on his final exam. During most of his school time he had stood outside smoking and mocked teachers. Could he really handle school now? We couldn't afford for him to fail, we probably couldn't even afford the house if he became a student. This felt like a bad thoughtless idea. Probably another of his ideas to become a new person.

I smiled at Axel and cheered with him but after some sips it was probably quite obvious for Axel that I couldn't fully celebrate with him.

"Dad has said he will help us with money and I will try to get a weekend job." He said, trying to persuade me. I sighed a little and put the glass down on the kitchen table.

"That's great Axe but… Will you really be able to study? I mean, you have hated to do so all your life." I looked, examining him and I almost regretted it when I saw his hurt expression.

"Misha… Fucking hell…" I could hear in his voice that this was the moment before get really angry. Now he just stood quiet and breathed loudly like he didn't know what to say.

"Will you really sit and listen to some dude talking for hours? And you will probably have exams, would you study for them weeks in advance?"

Axel's jaw worked from side to side while his breathing became heavier. When he had stood that way a while he trusted himself to speak again.

"It’s really starting to feel like you are holding me back. I'm trying to fucking do something with myself but you just want me to just sit and mold."

"That's not true!" I almost interrupted him. "I am just trying to be realistic, Axe and I don't know what cloud you live on these days. These changes you do feel so forced and I don't get why you suddenly must rush these changes."

Axel started to walk in small circles in the kitchen with his fingers entwined in his neck. Could he just explode in rage so we could get it over? Right now it was just annoying and a bit scary to not know when he would get angry. Earlier I had known when he would become angry (all the time) so I was prepared.

"Fuck… This doesn't feel good at all Misha… I’m taking a walk to dad‘s place."

I shrugged frustratedly. Was this the new Axel? Running away from a conflict? Would we ever be able to just fight through some things?

Axel walked to the bedroom to change clothes. I stood behind in the kitchen, looking at the bottle of cava and our glasses. We hadn't drank much. It didn't become a celebration like Axel wanted it to. I felt some remorse but knew inside that I must say those things. It was best to just say it at once. Axel came out from the bedroom in his running clothes.

"Will your dad even be up now? It's 11 pm."

"Yeah, you know, his insomnia. He is always awake." He said distantly and put on his Nike shoes. I just stood and looked at him. He had a black cap on, a tight pair of track pants and black t-shirt that hugged his biceps. It was a big contrast to the guy he had been just a few months ago. He looked really good but it was hard to confess, I would miss the skinny angry guy I got together with.

"You look good, Axel. You look… So healthy," He smiled a bit strained and leaned down to give me a dry kiss on the cheek then disappeared out in the rain I had come in from just twenty minutes ago.

It felt like mine and Axel's relationship started to near the end. We had problems communicating, I didn't trust him and wondered if he cheated on me and I couldn't support his new life choices. Axel didn't sleep at home that night, he sent a text that he would sleep at his fathers house but I wondered if it actually was a girl, or maybe even a guy. He maybe ran to the lonely guy renting a house at his father's grounds. There was a rumour of him being gay and liking younger men. But Axel probably was too old for him. Or he just ran to the closest bus stop and took the bus into the city and went to an orgie party or something. Or a book club with young beautiful house wives. It could be anything or anyone. Axel had always been unpredictable but now it was even worse.

×

The next day his father's truck parked in front of our garage but I didn't react so much to it. Axel had probably borrowed it from his father. That's why I was also surprised when Oscar Cluney walked in through our door instead of his son. I stood in just a towel, just coming out from the shower and looked at the tall man confused.

"Hey Misha… Maybe I should have knocked?" He said and looked around in the hallway. It was crowded with my weird thrift shop finds and Axel's self made dressers.

"No, no. No one knocks here. Can I help you with something?" I said and fixed my towel so a boob wouldn’t fall out.

"Do you maybe have a cup of coffee to give? That would be nice. I will wait for you on the couch."

He walked to our living room like he owned the place and as the biggest owner of the land around here I guess it was his right.

I first went to the bedroom to put on something. The only thing I could accept wearing was Axel's black t-shirt and sweatpants. Then I went to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. I wonder why Axel's father was here and felt a bad feeling in my stomach. He wouldn't be here just to chat about the weather.

I served coffee to Oscar and I in our biggest blue mugs and sat down opposite him in my velvety green armchair.

Oscar sipped the coffee and sat silent for a half minute and watched the cats lie in a cuddly pile on a patterned blanket on the floor.

"Sorry, you must wonder why I'm here," he said when he felt my eyes on him. When he didn't get an answer he sighed and once again watched the cats.

"You and Axel have been together for many years now and… yeah it was a surprise to see him with a girl again after Zoey… And you have been really good to him."

I nodded but thought about Zoey. The tattoo he had on his biceps but didn't ask any more even if I didn't know who she was.

"But now Misha, even if you have been good for him, it's time for you to let him do his own thing. I will help you financially so you don't need to worry about that. But this education is important for Axel. This is his chance."

I sat silently, looking into Oscar's gray blue eyes that looked back pleading to me. I thought back to my reaction to Axel's acceptance letter unveiling and at once felt bad. Even his father was on his side while I was not.

"I know Axel is a bit much, he has gone through alot and now he’s changing so fast but… We must see this as something positive because it is what Axel wants." His father continued in his regular dreamy voice and I nodded because I knew it was what was expected of me. It was easy for his father to not see this as a bigger thing; he had money and his life didn't depend on Axel. While I saw my chance to go on trips, having a wedding and having happy children disappear with his failed education.

"...I just don't think this education will make him happier." I said and looked down at my golden painted nails.

"Maybe not but we must give this a chance because this is his dream."

Axel's father's face was determined, like nothing I would say would affect him so I just nodded. His father had already made a choice.

"Is he at your place now?" I asked so I didn't need to say anything more about Axel's education but it backfired.

"He is in town looking at the school then he will probably stay there a while too…" I interrupted Oscar with a sigh.

"I'm sorry but I need some time to think about this. I know you have known about this for a longer time than me but I just found out about this."

"I understand honey, but it can't have come as lightning from a blue sky. Axel has tried to work on himself since April and has done amazing things with himself. I start to see him becoming that boy again, that boy he was when he was younger."

Oscar smiled and once again watched the cats. It started to feel like he talked with them and not with me. I sat quiet because I couldn't say anything without sounding selfish or just really negative.

Oscar went when he had drunk up his coffee and gave me a fatherly hug on the way out. I knew he liked me but what I showed today was probably not his favorite side of me. It wasn't mine either but with Axel's changes it felt like I had an even bigger need for stability. The only thing I asked for now was security and predictability but I couldn't stop Axel from changing.

×

Axel started his education. He rearranged our garage so that he would have a bigger space to work with his craft, he sold his bike and instead got one more cheap car, a MacBook and the right textbooks. He was so up in all of it I felt forgotten and alone. He had a world I couldn't understand at all and it also seemed like he actually was on his way to get friends.

One cold November afternoon he came home and I couldn't recognize him. Or I could but I didn't want to recognize him. He was dressed in a thick knitted forest green sweater and on his nose he had a pair of tortoise shell patterned glasses. If it wasn't for his tattoos on his neck and hands he would have looked like such a square.

"...ehhh Axel?" I said like I didn't recognize him.

"Yeah?" He tried to sound neutral but I could hear he was already tense. He opened the fridge, sniffed some vegan sausages and then took them out.

"Did you feel a need to look like the other kids in school?” I teased. I thought a joke would make him relax but he was still tense.

"...I noticed I was having a hard time seeing the actual slide the teacher showed us but I thought it maybe was that way for everyone… Then I went to a restaurant to eat lunch and couldn't see the menus and then they said I probably need glasses. So I went there and… Yeah I needed glasses." He didn't look at me while he said it and rambled like he had prepared the story. I sat down by the table and smiled a little. I didn't want Axel to feel like I criticized him all the time; it was just hard to feel left out.

"Do you want to see my school? We can visit it together. Right now I'm at the university but after Christmas we will be back at the school again but we can visit anyway." He smiled a little at me while he started to boil water.

"Do you want?" He held up some noodles.

I shook my head and thought about what he had said. It would be nice to see his school. See where Axel now sits and reads, makes assignments and later on will build even finer furniture.

"I can visit your school some day…" I said carefully and smiled at him even if he had his back to me, boiling noodles and chopping the sausages.

"Yeah? Then you can meet some of my new friends too, Wes, Fred, Theo and Lucy." Axel sounded so happy but I just thought about the last name. Lucy. A girl. Was he spending his time with a girl?

Axel smiled at me and pushed up his glasses. They suited him but they changed his face and he didn't look as much as menace as without them. Maybe that was the thing he liked with them.

After eating, he sat down on the couch with his MacBook. I wished we could have some time for ourselves but were also happy to see he took his studies seriously but it was also a bit irritating to see how wrong I was. Axel seem to love to study. Probably more than he loved me.

Instead of being with Axel I wrote in the group chat with my friends. Vanessa had a new boyfriend she wanted to introduce to us. It was her first boyfriend and he was crazy like Axel but without Axel's striking facial features. Like an Axel going through a correction filter. I was happy for Vanessa and hopefully she would let my tattooed boyfriend be now. I looked at Axel. He had dressed down to a grey t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants but still looked neater because of those damn glasses. Now when I looked at him I also noticed he had changed his hair. His regular style was pushed back and greasy now it actually looked washed and he had a side part and then pushed back. I wondered if he had gone to a hairdresser at the same time he got those glasses. It probably was his first time if that was the case.

I wondered if Vanessa would even be attracted to him now. All that Axel was known for was gone. Except for his tattoos. He wasn't dangerous at all. His motorcycle was sold and he even started to look boring. Vanessa had a plan to have a party at her place. Maybe Axel could stay home. As he said himself, they weren’t really his friends and they didn't need to know that Axel had lost his way. Axel probably had a better time with his new friends.

"Do you want to visit my school at friday? Then you can meet Wes and Theo." Axel suddenly said and looked at me hopeful. I was busy scrolling through Vanessa's boyfriend's Instagram.

"Sure."

The room became quiet again except Axel humming with the Kyuss song playing from his Mac.

×

I walked slowly next to Vanessa, we were looking at cheese for her party. I was tired of always eating vegan so when Vanessa said she would do canapes with cheese I felt excited in a way I hadn't for a long time.

Vanessa and I hadn't talked about what had happened at Axel's birthday. She had joked about his size a few times in passing but other than that it was like it had never happened. Our friendship seemed to survive it better than me and Axel’s relationship and now with her new guy she didn't even seem interested in seeing Axel again.

While she looked through recipes on her phone Axel called me.

"Hey, where are you?" He asked, sounding stressed.

"I'm grocery shopping with Vanessa for tonight. She’s having a party but I didn't think you were interested." I said and played with the fringe on my knitted scarf.

"...But I've been waiting for you? Outside of my school? You know, I was going to show you around." He said disappointed.

I had forgotten about it or I hadn't even really understood it was now we had planned to do it.

"Oh… Sorry Axe. I have some other things to do… I’m sleeping in town tonight because of the party. At Celia's. Just so you know."

Axel was quiet on the other end of the call. I was the worst girlfriend but it was hard to be a good one when he had made our lives totally out of sync.

"Axel?"

Vanessa looked at me a bit worried and I waved her off as if it weren’t anything.

Axel sighed on the other end of the line.

"I’ll probably be in town too then. I'm with Theo right now so we’ll have a beer or something?”

"Good. I'm happy that you have some new friends, Axe."

×

When I went home the next day my hangover was brutal. I felt weak and tired but also my anxiety was so strong I couldn't even sit still. I just wanted to come home because I became more anxious in Celia's small apartment but also because she tried to discuss the party while I wished to sleep. I hoped Axel wasn't home so that I could have some alone time to just be anxious and gross by myself.

Celia drove me home around noon and I realized then that Axel wasn't home. His old Volvo wasn't by the garage so I would have the house to myself. Just that thought made me relax a bit.

When I was inside I stripped down to just panties and looked for food in the fridge and pantry. Axel had made some vegan sausage which I ate with potato chips and ketchup but my anxiety was still extreme so I laid down in bed and tried to sleep. Images from what had happened at the party and thoughts about Axel's changes floated around. It felt like everyone became adults except me. I needed something to get my anxiety level down and help me sleep. A joint sounded nice. Just to calm me down a bit. Axel hadn't smoked since that summer but he must have some left, hidden somewhere. In the wooden box, but where was it? I looked through his wardrobe, through all the cabinets in the kitchen and all the hiding places in the living room. Where could he have put it? The garage, of course. I put on the green sweater Axel had worn some days earlier and a pair of leggings and walked out to the garage. It had been a long time since I had been there and his workshop looked much more tidy and professional with sketches put up on the walls and a few of his books on the working bench. On the floor stood a floral pedestal in some dark wood. It looked expensive and Axel had made some sort of carving that looked like ivy. It was probably the most beautiful thing I had seen him make. It was high, with shelves for several plants and I could imagine it with green hanging plants on every shelf in golden metal pitchers. Why hadn't I supported him more? He was really talented and seemed to have really good taste. Something I had always questioned. He had made the wooden box himself too. It stood on a metallic shelf waiting on me. I lifted it out and place it down on his work bench. It had a lock but it wasn't used so with a careless hand I opened it up. I had never looked in it because I just thought he had weed and other drugs in it so I was surprised to see it stuffed with things. A keyring with a motorcycle, a plastic wristband from the hospital with his name and social security number, and a braided bracelet with small green stones. A bag with weed lay in the corner but he didn't have any papers. In the bottom of the box lay several photos. The first one was a young Axel without tattoos with a blonde girl. She was gorgeous in an unreal way. He had several pictures with that girl and I couldn't stop my jealousy when I saw a picture of them kissing. But that wasn't the only thing that caught my attention, in that picture her breasts were much bigger and rounder than in the other pictures. Silicon. Obviously. Typical Axel. The next picture was just of Axel. Still as young in a grey suit, sitting on a high chair with an inviting stare. It was obviously a model picture. Even if it was Axel in the picture it felt like it was a stranger looking back at me. The last picture was of an even younger Axel, maybe twelve, with a bruised chin. Together with his father and another man in his father's age. The man was actually more like Axel than his father was and I felt a knot grow in my stomach. He probably didn't want to share this with me and that made me anxious and sad but also angry. Who was Axel?

I put all things in the box again and walked with heavy steps back to the house. It was too much to think about. Now I actually felt sleepy, overwhelmed and when I laid my head against the pillow I fell asleep at once.

I didn't even wake up when Axel came home. I slept until it was dark outside and I could see the light on in the garage and Axel's tall silhouette inside working on the pedestal. For a short moment I just thought about where the pedestal could be placed and what plants we could have on it. I was always the one picking the plants and then Axel was the one caring for them. I stayed in bed until Axel came in, the smell of wood oil spread in the house. It smelled rich like an expensive cologne and if I didn't know better I would have believed Axel had started to think about his scent too. With a loud sigh he came into the bedroom and stripped down to his Batman underwear. The only superhero he liked.

"I missed you," I said to get his attention. He crawled down in bed and just nodded a little. He was probably still a bit pissed that I didn't come to his school.

"You can show me your school another time." I said and watched him fluff the pillow aggressively. It had been a long time since I saw such emotions in him but I didn't say anything about it.

"How was the party?" He asked and lied down with his hands behind his head.

I was a bit uncomfortable and moved from laying face down to him to looking up at the ceiling.

"It was okay."

We layed in silence for a while until I spat out an impulsive question.

"Who is Rebecca? On your chest."

Axel lied silent a while more.

"It was a girl I fucked."

"It must have been more than a fuck. You have her name over your heart."

"We fucked for a few months. She was really hot and the sex was great."

I could feel the jealousy stream down my back like cold water.

"And then you tattooed her name?"

"Yeah. To make her laugh."

I just nodded a little. It was probably logical in Axel's world but not many others would see a name tattoo as a funny thing. I sighed deeply and stopped my questions, he wouldn't tell me anything of value anyway. He probably didn't see the world the same as me.

×

I couldn't stop thinking about what I had found in the wooden box and I would sneak to look at the things when Axel wasn't home. The bracelet with green stones disappeared and I worried for days that I was the one who had lost it until I saw Axel wearing it. The stone must have been some sort of mineral and shifted in different shades of green. The small irregular stones were braided in a black suede like material. I looked at it while Axel helped me put winter tires on the car. It sat snuggly around his left wrist along with the silver chain he has had as long as I have known him. When he was done working on the car he put on the hoodie he had laid next to him.

"Should we have a cup of coffee?" I asked as I admired his dirty hands, thick knuckles and elegant wrists while he dried them off on an old kitchen towel with blue flowers.

"Sure. But at four o'clock dad’s picking me up in the truck so we can deliver a thing I've built to my first customer." He said proudly.

"Oh?" I asked impressed and Axel smiled brightly while we walked inside.

"Yeah it's a floral pedestal, I'm really pleased with it." He kicked off his work boots and then put on his glasses that laid on the dresser in the hallway.

I was a bit disappointed hearing that the pedestal wasn't for us and probably looked it too while I took off my sneakers and puffer jacket.

"Oh, I've seen it. It's beautiful, Axel, I thought it was for us."

"Really? I thought it wasn't your style at all. That was too heavy and dark."

I walked into the kitchen and started to load the coffee maker.

I shrugged my shoulders. He was right but I felt different when I actually saw it.

Axel took off the hoodie again and I watched his biceps in the tight black t-shirt. He had become hotter and I felt the need to touch him but I hadn’t in so long ago I didn't even know how I would start. I looked at the bracelet again and the glasses on his nose and I sighed a little.

When he sat down by the table playing with his phone I mustered up some courage to ask him about the bracelet. He smiled in a way that made my heart fall down in my stomach and he touched it like it was something expensive.

"A friend made it. It's green calcite. It helps you make positive changes in your life. Make me succeed."

I didn't know what to say so I just made a snorting sound like I thought it was bullshit but in reality I just thought, "It's a girl. It's a girl. He has met someone else."

Axel had so many secrets so of course he had another girl too. I poured the coffee in two white mugs and sat down opposite him by the table. He continued to play with his phone and smiled to himself.

It may sound awful to an outsider but the rest of the week I followed Axel when I didn't work. Our hours were still really different from each other so when he took his Volvo to school in the morning I had time to follow him for a few hours. I took my dark blue Toyota fifteen minutes after he had left and went to the university where he studied at the moment. I found his car parked and then waited for him to come out. Most often he came out together with a guy a head shorter with his hair in braids, gathered in a big bun behind his neck. They looked like friends and I thought to myself he must be one of the guys he had talked about. After that he bought lunch. Either a sandwich from a food truck on campus or he walked to a vegan salad bar close to the hospital. Then he walked back to the library. It wasn't much more interesting than that. Sure, I could see Axel being checked out by well dressed student girls in quilted jackets even if he had his green bomber jacket on and heavy work boots. If he shaved his hair off he would look like a skinhead but they still looked at him with watering eyes while they played with their pearl earrings. Was it such a girl that made him the bracelet? It felt off. Could it really be a student he had an affair with?

The fourth day it finally got interesting. While he stood and talked with his friend with the braids his phone seemed to ring and he pressed it against his ear. He smiled big and laughed and my heart started to beat violently in my chest. He looked down at the bracelet, spinned it around his wrist then hung up. He said a fast good bye to his friend with a close hug. Axel didn't do that manly sort of hug ever, he always hugged for real. Then he started to walk in the same direction the salad bar was. I waited for him to be a long way in front of me before I started the car and drove behind him. He walked to his regular salad bar but the closer I came I could see a girl waiting on him. She was dressed in a long gray coat with brown hair falling elegantly over her back. I had time to think she probably wore pearls too while she and Axel hugged for a long time. But when I came closer I could finally see her face while she laid a glove-covered hand on Axel's naked neck like she thought he looked cold. It was Charlotte, Noah's Charlotte. My brother's fiancee.

×

#bill skarsgård #bill skarsgard #fan fiction #writing #story #fiction #bill skarsgård writing #bill skarsgård fanfiction #axel cluney #zeitgeist

[ottokallenhonkai3rd]

⚜ 𝒦𝒶𝓁𝓁𝑒𝓃 𝒦𝒶𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓃𝒶𝓈 𝒮𝑒𝓍𝓊𝒶𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓎 ⚜

Kallen Kaslanas Sexuality ------------------------------ I'd better stop reading the posts below the Otto and Kallen search results. Every time I searched for it or for OttoKallen (without a hashtag), I got in a pretty bad mood. ~♥~ I still don't know how people figure out that Kallen is still homosexual. Please inform yourself. The chapters of the St. Freya High manga that your ship classifies as canon, have been rescinded by Mihoyo. And why? Because a) they didn't control what their animators put into the manga beforehand or b) because they found that people take that as evidence of a romance that isn't quite there in the game. Except for the first two chapters, which have nothing to do with Kallen, everything has been taken from the official Honkai site. So why is it still claimed that Kallen is homosexual? As I said. Just because you fall in love with a woman, it doesn't make you a lesbian. Kallen could very well have been bisexual. Could. But in my opinion she isn't. And that has nothing to do with censorship of homosexuals. Mo Dao Zu Shi is a chinese anime based on a chinese novel and the main characters are two men in love. There's a mobile game, manga, paperbacks, etc. And I can legitimately buy that stuff in my favorite bookstore in my country. Where is the censorship? OK. In the anime, the love affair between the two isn't shown in an obvious way, but no effort was made to match one of the two characters up with another female one, come hell or high water. So it can't be the case with honkai either. So how do you please explain that Kallen runs away with Otto in numerous timelines in GGZ and even marries him in one? Kallen has never been interested in Sakura. And I wonder why OttoKallen fans go and say: "Kallen can be bi." when gay shippers say: "Kallen is strictly a lesbian."? Oddly enough, OttoKallen fans aren't half as toxic as a certain other shipping community. But whoever shouts the loudest gets it. Otherwise, I don't know why Kallen Fantasy III wasn't set the way it was meant to be. And why, with Kallen as a sin hunter, it was so important to mention that she can only remember the incident with Sakura. Because Mihoyo saw Otto and Kallen as lovers, it should be clear for now. That's why the couple was implemented in GGZ and not in HI3. As far as I know, GGZ is only available in Chinese, if at all. Though there have always been clues. 1. Kallen never referred to Otto as her friend or best friend, but as her inventor. My dear Inventor, my giftet Inventor, my great Inventor, my Otto or just as Otto. 2. If you carefully read the conversation between Otto and his father and between Otto and Kallen, which was about the wedding, you realize that the two must already be engaged. Otto said the following to her: Just fulfill our betrothal, please... You know me. I won't let you die. And just in case that was an unfortunate wording. Here it is again: Otto Apocalypse finally understood— The truth was, he was not important, and neither was Kallen. The only thing that mattered was their betrothal, which could put Kaslana in the palm of Apocalypse. If they were already engaged and it was only about a wedding, Kallen must have had feelings for Otto. So she can't be exclusively a lesbian. 3. When she meets Otto for the first time, not only does he blush, but there is also a slight red tinge to be seen on her. The two are also seen cuddling together in "Thus Spoke Apocalypse" with their fingers interlaced. Both of them are 13 years old at the time. You can't argue with "They're just children". Except for the scenes from "Cooking with the Wallkyrs," Kallen has never even remotely revealed that she's in love with Sakura. And any young woman would blush if another woman came that close and flirted. Even is and I define myself as straight. And that is also Kallen Kaslana's sexuality. She is straight. I don't care if she's bi. I don't really care if there's a Sakura involved. Ship what you please. But don´t force Kallen to be gay only, when she isn´t.

#honkai impact #honkaimpact3rd #ottokallen #kallen kaslana #otto apocalypse

[sapphicyearningbot]

HIIII

so.

i'm in love with one of my best friends.

to set the whole scene: i'm in a friendgroup which includes me and 4 other people.

there's me, a genderqueer person, who's... idk bout my sexuality, i'm just queer in general

there's A, A is genderfluid, uses all pronouns and is sapphic

there's B, B is a demigirl lesbian

there's C, idk what is C's gender identity or sexuality, but she uses he/she

and there's D, D is a bisexual trans boy/demiboy, i'm not sure, he came out as trans, but when he heard about the term demiboy for the first time he said that it sounds pretty much like him, so... idk. but he uses he/him.

i'm in love with A. i'm so fucking in love with her. they are literally the smartest, prettiest, most perfect person in the whole world. i love him so so so much. and - please be proud of how brave i am - i told them that.

i mean, not the whole thing, that could be a little too much, but in general they knew that i like someone and then i told her that i have a crush on her. yeah. and he likes me back!!!

HE LIKES ME BACK

SHE HAS A CRUSH ON ME

AAAAAAAAAGH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

sorry, i had to scream about it a little.

we aren't together or anything, cos:

we are still kids, at least i am. i feel like i'm still a kid and i'm not quite ready for a relationship

i know that if we would get together now we would probably break up quickly and i don't want to risk our friendship cos we know each other for years and she's really important to me

remember B? B is A's best friend. like, the best of best friends. and B's also my best friend. i don't think that i'm B's best friend, cos her best friend is probably A, but she's really important to me. so, how is B connected to me and my relationship with A? well. B is in love with me. i know. i know. that's not very practical. but unfortunately that's the truth. B is in love with me. and from all the crushes that exist in my friendgroup (C also had some crushes on people in this friendgroup, but that's not the main theme here so i'm not going to focus on that) i think that B's is the most serious one. from what i know she really likes me. i think that she also is the only person from the weird triangle that i, A and B create that is actually ready for a relationship. and both me and A don't want to hurt her, so even if we wanted a relationship it wouldn't be possible because of how much we care about B and her emotions and stuff like that.

ugh.

fuck it.

i kinda wish that me and A could be something more. not a full relationship-we're-together-we-go-on-dates-and-kiss-and-stuff couple, but just... idk. i wish that we would spend more time together, cos we NEVER spend time alone, like, only the two of us. and i hate it so much cos i'd LOVE to spend more time with them. i'd love to. but i just don't know what to do with all this shit.

when we spend time it's usually with our whole friendgroup or with B. since he and B are really close i always feel bad when i spend time with them two cos i feel like i'm a second choice to everyone and then i'm scared that i'm toxic because of the fact that i'm jealous of their relationship.

sorry for the rant. i just don't really have anyone to talk about all of this with.

i hope that this counts as sapphic even though neither me, A or B are actually girls

well that is definitely quite the story anon, the only advice i can give is that, you are all young, it can go everyway imaginable so you can either try to do something about it or let it wither away

#anon #anon submission #sapphic #sapphic yearning #wlw and nblw only #wlw yearning #wlw #yearning #nblw #lesbian #sapphic yearning bot #lesbian yearning

[villainelle]

I'm super upset because I tried reaching out to close friends being like have you been following the trial and they're all team JD. So I ask them why? Then I debunk all their misconceptions like the "they're both abusive and toxic" claim and "anyone who lies about charities is bad in my book." But then they never reply to me after.... I don't want to loose friends over this, but I feel like it's so important to set the record straight.

I mean, first of all, I'd say there's a difference between being "toxic" vs being "abusive", and that should be acknowledged out of the gate in any argument/conversation about this. I'm not sure to what extent the word "toxic" is well-defined and universally accepted in this context, and as a result people use it interchangeably with "abusive", which muddles the waters.

A relationship that's mutually toxic can be two people, for example, who have different goals, different wants in life, forcing themselves to stay together despite being largely incompatible. That can be considered toxic — but it's not necessarily abusive. One doesn't have to inflict physical abuse, for a relationship to be "unhealthy" or "toxic", right? A relationship where one person is the sole care-taker, and the other is selfish or absent can be similarly "toxic" or unhealthy, but not inherently abusive.

This is important I think to discuss because there's a world of a difference between two people fighting, arguing, being unhappy together as opposed to being "mutually abusive". So, when it comes down to it, I think you can 100% say that perhaps the relationship between Heard and Depp (and Heard's behaviour), was "toxic", but that doesn't inherently mean they were both abusive, or that mutual abuse exists.

The other thing I'd say is that the charities thing is largely taken out of context, misunderstood and has become a talking point solely to discredit Heard and paint her as a gold-digger. On one hand, Heard's donations are largely irrelevant to the discussion of whether she was abused or not. She could have taken the $7 million and spent it on 7 million burgers, I could not care less, and she could still be considered a victim of sexual, physical and psychological abuse.

But if we are to discuss Heard's donations, there's a couple of things to consider. First and foremost is that Depp paid Heard the $7 million in instalments over a period of two years. This means it is physically impossible for her to donate the entire amount in one lump sum — she never had access to it in such a way. The second is that the words "donation" and "pledge" are used interchangeably, not only in general but specifically even by the ACLU (who Heard was donating half the money to) on their own forms.

For me, it's pretty obvious that Heard saying in one instance on live TV that she "donated" the entire amount, is because a) she was being termed a gold-digger and saying she's donating in instalments would give the people calling her that more fuel, and b) because it's easier to say she "donated" the whole amount (which is factually true as she on documents pledged the entire amount), as opposed to derailing the interview to answer the question and get into both her and Depp's financial agreement, and explain how multi-million dollar donations work.

Depp himself likely chose to pay Heard in instalments because it was financially easier on him as opposed to giving her the lump sum in one go, so that people can't see why Heard would similarly donate in instalments when she has far less money than Depp, is hypocritical. Depp routinely got mad at Heard for her movie roles, and even told her to not work, thereby likely losing her several opportunities. He would then go on to tarnish her entire reputation, causing her to lose further roles or campaigns (L'Oreal has been unable to use their campaigns with her, and she had to fight to keep her role in Aquaman).

The idea that Heard is the gold-digger is laughable, because not only is she definitely entitled to the money that she got in the divorce, but because by California law she was entitled to 1/2 of Depp's earnings — she chose to forgo her rights to 1/2 of the money Depp made in back-end deals, meaning she chose to give up taking tens of millions of dollars. In no way did her allegations aid her in receiving any money from Depp, she could have taken more money without a single accusation.

If anything, Depp's decisions to not only drag Heard to court, but to do so for defamation indicates the very opposite is true. He sued her for $50 million, and was awarded $10.35 million. At this point, Heard has had to spend up to $6 million in legal fees (nearly the entire amount Depp has paid her in the divorce, $1.3 million of which she has donated already), and the ACLU is well aware that the reason she had to stop regular instalments is because of the financial struggles this man has caused her.

It's just another irony in this case that what is being used against Heard (in this case, the donations), is a situation that was caused directly by that man.

#apologies for how late this response was! #replies #answered #anti johnny depp #johnny depp vs. amber heard #johnny depp v. amber heard #mahradyer