#too many people are obsessed with seeing those numbers beneath their posts

[wishingstarinajar]

Yeah, remove what keeps artists from around the world on your platform, that will shorten the slow death of your site/app for sure. What, did you get ratiod too much? Did a rival of yours get more engagement on their tweets? Are all the bots not doing their stuff in your favor? Are you going to make it a paid feature to have the Likes and Retweets visible?

Pathetic little man.

#twitter stupidity #x #too many people are obsessed with seeing those numbers beneath their posts #i can't wait for the day elon is done with aggressively trying to break his unwanted toy. maybe after the elections later this year #wish talks

[moribundanchor]

The Pelle/Dani Receipts, Post Twelve: Runes

Big, huge Hårga hugs and thanks again to @daydreamers for expertise and editing on this post!

So. Runes. Specifically, the Elder Futhark runes, as Pelle tells Dani in the Director’s Cut, the “special little language” of the Hårgans. Throughout the film, runes are insinuated into basically every surface of Hårga and its people. So many tattoo opportunities, y’all. And it doesn’t even technically start in Sweden. Ari stuck a board featuring the whole Elder Futhark alphabet in Christian and Mark’s apartment. You can see it on the bookcase to Pelle’s right in the couch scenes. So, the film’s usage of the Elder Futhark is a deep, deep rabbit hole full of all the multivalent subtext we crave from this film, but they’re also absolutely blaring evidence for the Dani/Pelle ship. Throughout the film, like many of the background details we’ve discussed, the runes serve as a repetitive chorus of their fatedness for each other, but better still, the runes footnote the film’s ambiguous resolution as their genuine happy ending. So let’s dig in.

Dani has two main runes associated with her, Raidho and Dagaz, and they are both merkstave versions, that is backwards, lending them a negative reading. Oooooh, scary. Except negative readings aren’t necessarily negative either. All runic readings are subjective and contextual, which is why we decided to talk about these last. Let’s not forget that Dani begins the movie at the bottom of an emotional well.

Raidho, literally ride or wheel, refers to a journey. Yeah, Dani’s on one of those, seems legit. This is the only rune that Ari takes care to point out the meaning of within the film itself, when the elder Arne shows the Rubi Radr to Josh, pointing to Raidho on its side and telling him that that one stands for grief. Grief is a legitimate reading of Raidho merkstave, so let’s just take that interpretation at Arne’s word and combine it with Dagaz, Dani’s second rune. 

Dagaz is the last rune in the Elder Futhark, and it means day, symbolizing accomplishment, fulfillment, and new beginnings. As a symmetrical rune, it’s questionable whether it can be merkstave, but Dani’s Dagaz rune (technically runes, as she also has them on her shoes) does lie in opposition. Its negative reading in that case would be hopelessness, blindness, or cataclysmic change. Not fairytale stuff, right?

But Raidho and Dagaz appear together on Pelle’s drawing and on Dani’s dress. Also note that runic inscriptions are read right to left, and the tapestry of the “little love story” is an in-film clue to that reading order. With that in mind, together Raidho merkstave and Dagaz merkstave tell of a big change, even an ending, yes, but an ending to Dani’s grief, and that is what her journey in this film describes. Here, two “negative” readings equal out to a positive in the sense of Dani’s ultimate growth and transcendence. But wait, there’s more.

You will notice the runes on the Hårgans’ clothing, of course, as though they are their personal cult cutie marks, but the embroidered runes are often surrounded by other symbols, esoteric symbols and more complex runic talismans, which deepen the reading of the central rune, like footnotes. In Dani’s dress example, Raidho and Dagaz are flanked by merkstaved Tiwaz runes, with sun symbols above and below. Tiwaz (literally “the god Tyr,” the god of law and justice) is one of the runes featured on Christian’s robe during the sex ritual, and it describes justice, honor, authority, self-sacrifice. Its merkstave meaning then reads as conflict, imbalance, lack of communication...separation. And so, in the specific context of the dance competition, while Dani’s main runes shown in Pelle’s drawing forecast (or possibly straight-up spellcast, depending on your interpretation) an end to her grief, the more complex version she wears for the dance tells of that happening through a conflict and a break...but the sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow. It is a new dawn for Dani as the May Queen.

Her shoes, which we only see during the dance, are more complicated. First, the embroidery is done in faded red thread, and we know that red appears very selectively on Hårgan garments. Siv wears a ton of red throughout the festival. Maja and Inga also wear striking red additions to their costumes at the Fire Temple ceremony. Ingemar has a single red button on his waistcoat. So red may convey authority, fertility, sacrifice, or even be a brand of shame, but it always seems to mean something.

As for the symbols on her shoes, again we see the merkstave-ish Dagaz rune, but it is alone in the center, no Raidho. So we’re looking at a big change or an ending again. Instead of suns, we have snowflakes, recalling the Spoiler Tapestry in the beginning, the way it began in frosty dark death skullhead weather and ends in summer dinner and dancing beneath the scariest sun since Teletubbies. To the right, we have a bind of three Tiwaz runes, and to the left, we have an Ingwaz (seed) rune, combined with a merkstave Kenaz. The triple Tiwaz is a victory rune, taken from an Old Norse poem where a Valkyrie was woken from her slumber. Three is a holy number, and that’s definitely something we know the 9-multiple-loving Hårgans pay attention to. This rune means the sleeper Dani is about to be awoken through a victory. Meanwhile the Ingwaz rune refers to coming into harmony and reaching potential. It’s also a fertility rune. Kenaz (torch) is a rune that normally describes transformation, knowledge, and the harnessing of light; merkstave, it speaks to darkness, lack of illumination and a relationship breakdown. Taken together, reading right to left, Dani’s shoes basically say: there will be a great change where she will be awoken from her slumber through a victory, she will have a breakup and/or her illusions will be shattered, but that will bring her ultimately into harmony, and there is the added implication of her fertility, bolstered by the red thread, being part of this. THAT IS ON HER SHOES. 

For what it’s worth, you will also notice Hanna wearing Dagaz in opposition, like Dani, and the elder Sten wears a merkstave Raidho, in yellow no less. You can peep merkstave Raidho and Dagaz elements on the temple doors, too. So even if you eschew our deep dive here, these runes cannot be looked at superficially, as merkstave = bad = Dani doom. If Dani’s doomed, so is Sten and Hanna and the whole damn Hårga, and you may think that, but it’s not terribly likely they’d write it on themselves, is it? Sten doesn’t look doomed to us. Sten looks quite jolly, actually.

OK, time to obsess on Pelle. Pelle has one rune on his Hårgan tunic that he wears for the majority of the film, Fehu, and this seems more straightforward. Fehu means wealth, specifically mobile wealth, specifically cattle. As we mentioned earlier: moo, Dani; moo, sacrifices. And since Pelle’s the one bringing new blood and their new queen, the association of Pelle with prosperity is quite fitting. Add to that the way Fehu and Raidho tend to pop up all over the village, particularly on the maypole. The maypole combination of Raidho (not merkstave) and Fehu speaks to the way the Hårgans believe the dance around the maypole enacts (and reenacts) a ceremony that brings them prosperity, and having Dani and Pelle as Raidho Barbie and Fehu Ken is just kind of perfect in that light.

Pelle’s Fehu is surrounded by four symbols. Let’s have a crack at those, too. First we have what looks like a closed eye up top. At the bottom, we have a cross. The cross is not actually a cross; it’s a combination of four Isa (ice) runes, and we know this because there are four dots arranged around them, telling us, hey, these are four symbols not one. Then to the right, we have another talisman that looks like a crucified diamond with five dots. Again, the dots mean that these are individual runes drawn as one symbol as a kind of shorthand, so this symbol is actually Ingwaz again, quartered by four Isa runes. Finally, to the left, there is another Isa rune crossing a Tiwaz, and the absence of dots here means that they are a bind, or they are meant to be read as one thing (or are a spell for one thing).

The closed eye symbol is a bit of a guess here; it might represent Pelle’s unclouded intuition or maybe, in view of Dani’s suns and the association of Raidho with the summer solstice, it is meant to symbolize Fehu’s complementary association with the winter solstice. We prefer the association with his intuition given the events of the film. But what about the other symbols? Isa is a rune that describes the self or the ego. On the positive side, it is about will and focus, but on the other side, it is everything bad about ice: rigidity, blindness and self-preoccupation, being frozen. Again, symmetrical runes like Isa don’t merkstave, but they can lie in opposition, and so we have two pairs of Isa indicating, at the right, self-fulfillment, with the added implication of fertility, and coming into unity with the family after the will breaks through the metaphorical ice. At the bottom it is the same reading, only without Ingwaz. Will and self-control overcomes lassitude. And then again, one last time, Tiwaz crossed with Isa, read as one thing, not a series like the previous shorthand symbols, invoking justice and male energy to, again, break through the metaphorical ice. Taken together, it’s a formula for Pelle and the family’s triumph. Governed by his unclouded intuition, Pelle’s will overcomes that of his four differently-blind friends, bringing new blood and justice and unity with the family for the betterment of all, and the two breaks in the rightmost configuration carry the added implication of Pelle bringing into the family Christian’s and Dani’s new blood.

Finally, as discussed briefly in posts 10 and 11, Pelle changes his shirt on the morning of the dance competition, swapping Fehu for Wunjo (joy). There do appear to be a couple flanking symbols on this shirt, too, but we never get close enough to see, so we’ll just have to go with Wunjo’s face value. Again, this is the rune that emphasizes harmony, family, and the art of correct wishing, i.e. wanting (and getting) what is good for you. Pelle wearing Wunjo when he kisses Dani is a sign that he, the anti-Christian if you will, is her wish come true. This choice is not only incredibly positive for his relationship with Dani, but illustrative that there is a difference between Dani/Pelle and Dani/Hårga by virtue of the fact that he changes back into the Fehu shirt for the Fire Temple ceremony. Insofar as Dani is part of the family after the ceremony, the prosperity spelled on his Fehu-emblazoned tunic applies to her, too, but the Wunjo shirt is for her and for her victory...and his victory over Christian for her sake. The implication is that their story will not simply end with Dani assimilated into Hårga. They have special, personal significance for each other. While the ending shots of the film are a little ambiguous, the runes promise the May Queen and her consort are going to be just fine, y’all.

Again, would you like to see our fanfics?

Of course, there’s tons more to explore in the film that doesn’t speak specifically to Dani and Pelle’s love story, and even while we compiled this list, we were continually noticing and discovering the significance of new things. There’s no reason to think that will stop just because we’ve posted the Receipts. Still, we hope that you will enjoy the evidence we have compiled here for not only the legitimacy of the Dani/Pelle ship, but its promise of a happy ending for the OTP because, by Ari’s own admission, for better or worse, Midsommar is a wish fulfillment fantasy.

For more, click on The Pelle/Dani Receipts Masterpost

#the pelle/dani receipts #pelle/dani #dani/pelle #pelle x dani #dani x pelle #pellani #midsommar

[rheallsim]

Who will be the last sim standing? Place your bets now…!

Thousands applied, but only eight were chosen… these are the sims hoping to be the Last Sim Standing!

Deep in the Strangerville Desert lies a derelict plane, left exposed to the elements since it crashed there of unknown causes over fifty years ago. The rusted remains of sun-bleached metal hide a dark secret, however… deep beneath the wreck lies a massive complex filled with dastardly tasks meant to challenge our contestants to determine- through luck and sheer force of will- which one is worthy of the title of Last Sim Standing.

But more on the compound later. Just what is it these sims are competing for?

It’s not just glory that awaits them, though that would definitely be enough of a prize on its own. The winner will also receive §1,000,000 (tax-free!), a lavishly furnished mansion in Del Sol Valley, and the chance to live out their lives as they see fit in the background of a frequently played save file. What more could a sim ask for? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Without further ado, let’s meet our eight contestants! Like our compound, many of them also hide dark secrets of their own. They are…

1: Mimi LeBeurre​

Mimi is a neat, erratic foodie with a passion for baking. Don’t let her sweet looks fool you though… not all who have tasted her goodies survived it… She’s a tough cookie and ready to rock this challenge!

(Sim and blurb by @kimbr3)

2: Penelope Garcia

Her official title is “Technical Analyst”, but some say her talents are better suited to more… anonymous pursuits. Under the alias “The Black Queen” she used her hacking skills to reroute millions of dollars from shady off-shore corporate accounts into the coffers of charities and non-profits. Some call her a modern-day Robin Hood, but they don’t know about the hundreds of thousands she skimmed to line her own pockets (and fund her obsessive Funko Pop collection)… She managed to avoid jail-time by becoming a consultant for the FBI, and now uses her skills to track down and convict cyber criminals just like herself. She’s become the thing she once hated most, but she seems totally fine with that.

(Sim by ACMWhitney (Origin ID), blurb by me.)

3: Rufus Dunbrow​

If there’s a health fad out there, Rufus was probably a part of it at one point. Juicing? Been there. Enemas? He’s had so many he’s lost a lot of feeling down there and now needs to wear adult diapers to bed. Detoxifying, cleansing, miracle pills, homeopathic cure-alls, IV “therapies”… he’s done it all, so much so that if he donated his body to science they’d probably turn it down.

It may be obvious, but he’s obsessed with his body image. This has lead him in recent years to start working out; a noble goal, except the results weren’t as instantaneous as he would have liked. So, he got a little help from a friend- and their magic syringe filled with steroids, hormones, and other chemicals- to help him instantly “bulk up”.

He probably couldn’t lift a baby if you asked him, but hey, at least he looks good. He spends his time strutting around trying to pick people up at the beach in Del Sol Valley. He’s rarely successful, but that doesn’t stop him from trying. Who wouldn’t want a ride on the Dunbrow Train to Boneville?

(Sim by @shoobysims, blurb by me.)

4: Kristie Sewell​

This is Kristie. She’s a “famous” simstagram model who thinks the world revolves around her and she’s allowed to do anything just because she has a couple followers. Her traits are snob, mean and jealous and she really acts like it!

She’s a vegan but doesn’t realize that vegans shouldn’t wear real fur, she also eats chicken because it’s “not real meat”. She wears dreads and will bring up vikings when you try to educate her about cultural appropriation. She also wears a saree as formal wear because her simdian yoga guru said “You can wear anything you want!” and she didn’t realize he meant she could wear any athletic wear for the yoga class.

She uses slurs on the regular and if you call her out on any of this? She will post a teary-eyed snapchat non-apology rant and if you don’t accept that as an apology she’ll claim that you’re just jealous of her.

(Sim and blurb by @mooodlet)

5: Jacob Daramus​

This is Jacob. How to describe him? An outdoor enthusiast, avid mountaineer, kombucha master, possibly a serial killer…

Well, many who have gone mountain climbing with him have never returned. He claims it’s just a coincidence, but locals think differently.

Who knows, maybe all the hardships of this challenge will loosen his lips, and he will confess his crimes.

He’s innocent until proven otherwise.

(Sim and blurb by @bakersimmer)

6: Monica Rawls

Monica always loved animals. Growing up on a farm in the boonies meant she was always surrounded by them. Whenever she found a sick or injured animal she would bring it home and beg her parents to let her nurse it back to health. Despite her good intentions, however, few of her charges ever made a full recovery… and being a good farmer’s daughter, she always thought: “Why let them go to waste?” 🤔

Nowadays she self-publishes a cookbook on how to make that perfect “Memorial Meal” for your pet- after they’ve passed, of course. From Parakeet Parmesan to Rotisserie Horse Legs, she’s got you covered for when the only way to move on from the loss of your pet is to make them into a Grand Meal worth remembering.

(Sim by by TheTazzaful (Origin ID), blurb by me.)

7: Kellissa Miller​

Kelly Miller always thought she was too good for college. So, she dropped out, changed her name to Kellissa - with two L’s and two S’s, she’ll get mad if you misspell it - and went to pursue her true goal: being famous. She’s tried some acting, singing, playing instruments, but so far nothing. It’s not only the lack of talent: surprisingly, she’s quite a decent musician, but her personality… Oh, she’s rally nice and friendly. As long as you don’t stand in her spotlight. You DO NOT wanna stand in her spotlight. When she heard somebody was organizing a Last sim standing challenge, she had to sign in: becoming famous is worth dying for!

(Sim and blurb by @oswanily)

8: Milo Rees​

Milo Rees is the son of two extremely rich and wealthy sims who appears to be a successful artist. One problem, though… he doesn’t actually want to do any of the work needed to be an artist. He just wants to party and enjoy the finer things in life without having to work for them, so his parents forge artworks for him and sell them under his name. Honestly, his number one reason for signing up for this challenge is that it gets his parents off his back about actually working on his painting skills for a while.

(Sim and blurb by @blackfern)

Those are our contestants! Which begs the question… who do you think will be the Last Sim Standing?

Vote here!

(You won’t win anything if you guess correctly, I’m just super interested in who the fan favourite will be. :D You can vote as often as you like, no restrictions!)

The game starts soon… ⏱

[Review the challenge rules here!]

#TS4 Last Sim Standing Challenge #Last Sim Standing Challenge #TS4 LSSC #LSSC #TS4 Challenge #TS4 Gameplay #TS4 #S4 #The Sims 4 #Sims 4 #tw: death

[yandearest]

May The Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (Hoseok x Reader Hunger Games AU) Chapter 2: Training Day

Summary - Living in District 4 you never thought you would have to worry about being selected for the Hunger Games. With a training centre right near the dock of the houseboat you lived and fished from, your district was known for volunteers who trained their whole lives for a shot at glory and riches. But at age 18, your name is called and no girls volunteer to take your place. Your devastation is answered when Kim Namjoon volunteers for the males shortly after. Tall, muscular, highly intelligent and charming, the years of diligent preparation have bestowed Namjoon with the expectation of being the next District 4 champion after Finnick Odair last won 3 years ago.

Fishing for a living has granted you skills with a knife but, as your mentor Finnick is quick to describe, your beautiful face may well be your best asset.

Upon arrival in the Capitol you are quickly faced with the reality that Namjoon may not even be the biggest danger inside the Arena. Especially when you capture the obsessive attention of District 2′s own volunteer, and killing machine, Jung Hoseok. Hope soon fades from ‘survival’ to ‘the mercy of a painless death’ but Hoseok certainly has other plans.

Pairing - Hoseok x (fem)Reader

Genre - thriller, angst, yandere

Word Count 7.2K

Warnings - [in later chapters] major character death, graphic depictions of violence, swearing, obsession, dubcon-smut (smut will be marked so reading is optional), gore, unrealistically beautiful oc because I’m a sucker for that shitty trope and want to live vicariously through my writing (sue me)

The following is a dark fic featuring a yandere character, violence, obsession, and coercion. By no means does writing about this in a fictional setting condone any of those behaviours, much like Stephen King writing horror doesn’t mean he approves of psychotic killers in reality. Please avoid reading if any of these warnings makes you uncomfortable.

Previous Chapter: 1

Cross posted on A03 so people can subscribe for updates/notifications

Training began the following morning at 10am, although when you woke for breakfast at 8 Namjoon was nowhere to be found in your living quarters. Finnick informed you that Namjoon had left to begin early as you elected for a bowl of cereal instead of the array of foods presented on the dining table. To anyone else the spread of pancakes, syrup, pastries, bagels, bacon, eggs, sausages and other delicacies you weren’t even familiar with would have appeared mouth watering. But in your state it all just looked like cardboard. You didn’t trust yourself to be able to keep anything down but knew you had to at least eat something so you wouldn’t pass out later.

You tried to make the most of the one on one time with Finnick, listening as he talked about the range of stations that would be inside the gym. For the most part he seemed to suggest being a shadow to the rest of the careers, “play along and act dumb so they think you trust them and are too stupid to make plans for yourself”. Your best bet of survival relied entirely on them underestimating you and you being able to correctly time when to stab them in the back (literally) before they disposed of you.

Once you finished barely eating, you dressed in the capitol provided athletic wear; a fitted black T shirt with decorative panels of silver and gold along the sides and the number 4 emblazoned on your sleeves, along with a pair of just-below-knee-length black leggings that also featured the same silver and gold design as a strip on the sides. After tightly lacing up your sneakers, and tying your hair into a high ponytail, you took the elevator from the floor of your living quarter down to the basement where the gym was located.

You had no idea what you were expecting, perhaps something similar to the warehouse gym back in 4, but the spacious room that you arrived in was definitely not it. To start with, despite being under ground beneath an apartment complex, it looked like it could easily fit at least five warehouses inside the space. There were so many stations set up you wondered how it would be humanly possible to even attempt all of them within your three-day time limit. There were more weapons here than you had ever seen in your entire life combined; what appeared to be a parkour racing course, a rope climb, fire making equipment, a knotting station, something that looked like a paint set up, a tablet with symbols (what use that was supposed to bring you had no idea) and many other things you weren’t sure of. A large digital clock was mounted in the middle of the wall at the back, near a rock climbing wall, displaying the time as 9:45AM. You tried to swallow down your nerves as you scanned across the room looking for Namjoon. You found him easily at the weight section, bench pressing a large barbell you didn’t care enough to read the weight on. It seemed like a pretty basic scare tactic of trying to intimidate the other districts with his strength, but it didn’t have any impact on you because you were already aware.

“What’s muscles over there trying to prove?” a sudden voice at your side caused you to start, whipping your head to see Krystal next to you. She didn’t quite smile but there was an amused look to her eyes and a little quirk to the corner of her mouth.

“Holy shit please don’t sneak up on me like that in the arena, I will literally die of a heart attack” you exhaled with an awkward laugh at the end.

“Wouldn’t be the most painful way to die in there,” Krystal retorted with a shrug. She looked different compared to last night, but you supposed you could say the same for everyone if you compared them in an elaborate costumer to their gym wear. Her sleek black hair had been braided into two French plaits down the back of her head and secured into twin buns on the bottom.

“Touché,” you agreed but quickly moved to shift the topic away from you dying. “To answer your question Namjoon’s probably trying to intimidate some kids into thinking he’s going to bench press them to death.”

Krystal gave an amused hum before gesturing towards her fellow district mate Yoongi who was lazily sitting against the wall nearby. Training hadn’t even started yet and he looked like he’d much rather be asleep. It was hard to think of him as the confidently spoken cape wearing tribute from yesterday when he was now slumped against a wall. If anything he looked quite adorable.

“We just got here, have you seen 2?”

“No, I just got here myself, Namjoon came early to get extra training in”

You looked around the warehouse again trying to spot a familiar head of copper hair or Athena’s cropped blonde pixie cut but couldn’t see either of them for now.

“If he wants to wear himself out before we even get into the arena that’s his business, but if he pulls a muscle or drops a barbell on his head, I’m not carrying him,” Krystal muttered as Namjoon grunted lifting his weights up a final time before slamming them back on the rack.

“Agreed.” You murmured whilst Namjoon finally spotted you were here and nodded towards you and District 1 in recognition, before walking over. Krystal and yourself both gave half hearted waves in reply, Yoongi looked like he had actually fallen asleep and didn’t do anything.

“Hey,” Namjoon greeted wiping his forehead on his shirt sleeve and taking a drink from his water bottle. As much as you had made light of his workout before the fact he was barely out of breath after lifting more than twice your body weight was pretty intimidating. “Have you seen 2 yet?” You were about to tell him what you had just told Krystal when a raspy voice spoke from behind you

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear.”

Turning around you saw Hoseok and Athena walking out from where the elevators were nearby. Athena looked almost unrecognizable in comparison to her warrior outfit and smoky make up from the night before. Her short hair was pushed back with a headband and her face much rounder. She was definitely shorter without her heeled shoes and her body type much curvier than what her costume showed. Whilst Athena, Yoongi and Krystal all looked softer without their costumes and make up Hoseok somehow still managed to radiate the same aura from the tribute parade. His form fitting T-shirt and pants (in the same design as everyone else’s) accentuate his lithe build. The tights he wore showcase the definition of his calves and thighs, along with how long his legs were. The definition of his abs could be seen through the black shirt and his biceps were on display. It appeared he didn’t need any bronzing powder or contouring make-up to sharpen his facial features; his high nose and cheekbones were still just as prominent and his jawline just as sharp. He ran a hand through his hair, which was disheveled from not being styled, but somehow still managed to look good anyway.

When you make the mistake of looking into his eyes you can see that there was definitely no make up involved in the intensity of his stare from yesterday, it’s still just as unnerving this morning. The corner of his lip pulls up into a smirk as he sees you assessing his appearance and he has no shame running his eyes over your body.

“Nice of you to show up,” Namjoon grunted, clearly not impressed with the way Hoseok was staring at you again.

“Relax we’ve still got five minutes until we’re officially mean to start” Athena said as she stops beside Namjoon. She strikes up a conversation to try and distract him like Hoseok had told her to do. Why exactly she was following his instructions she didn’t really know, but she didn’t particularly care to upset him at this point so she simply played along. Namjoon was easy enough to engage, all she did was ask him what he had been doing to work up a sweat and he immediately leapt into a description of the circuit he had been training.

Hoseok moved to take the spot between Athena and yourself.

“Morning love,” he whispered under his breath, touching your elbow gently and leaning down slightly in a way that’s only intended for you to hear. You shudder at the feeling of his warm breath ghosting against the shell of your ear and curse your body for it’s unconscious reaction.

He pulls his hand away just as quickly, not wanting to draw unnecessary attention, but wishes he could maintain some form of physical contact. ‘There’ll be plenty of time for that in the arena,’ Hoseok assures himself watching as your cheeks flush that same rose color they did last night. He can’t explain why, but something so simple as your blush makes him feel ecstatic. Oh the things he would do to you to see what else makes you flush that pretty color for him again.

“Hey,” you reply, trying not to break the eye contact out of fear it could be taken as a sign of weakness. He’s tall so you need to look up, but you’re not that short either so it’s not a high angle. You’d estimate the top of your head reaching around his nose if you had to guess.

“I’ve been dying to ask this since seeing you yesterday, but what is an angel like you doing at these games?” his voice is still low, but not as quiet as before, as Namjoon continues to elaborate on his morning work out whilst Athena pretends to care.

“Uh same reason nearly everyone else here is, my name got pulled out the bowl,” you tried to casually respond with a shrug but knew the devastation would have been showing in your eyes. There were some things you just weren’t capable of hiding, and your fear at your situation and imminent death was one of those things. “And you?”

Hoseok frowns and you wonder if you somehow said something wrong but then he softly shakes his head.

“Volunteer,” he states and you swallow with a nod, unconsciously shifting backwards a little. His very appearance is lethal so it really shouldn’t be a surprise at all that he’s signed himself up to slaughter people like you, just the same way Namjoon had.

“Right, I mean you’re a career,” you shrug again looking across at Krystal, Athena, and Yoongi, wondering if they were volunteers too.

“Hey,” his hand was back on your elbow again, he didn’t give a shit if the others saw him. The feelings he was already experiencing towards you had just been intensified immeasurably by the fact you were innocent in these games. He didn’t know how to possibly describe it; all he knew was that from all the words that existed, in all of the languages in the history of mankind, there would never be a way to explain it.

He saw the tremble in your body whenever he looked at you, the shudder earlier when his breath met your ear, surely you had to feel something towards him too. There was no possible way that these emotions he was experiencing could be contained in just one body, you had to be sharing this experience. Was this a ‘soulmate’ that he had only read of before in passing regarding outdated literature? He had never been the kind to believe in fate before, as far as he had trained his whole life to believe, his only destiny was to win the games and bring honor to his family. But as you stood before him, for only the second time in his life, he just knew that you had been preordained for him.

At his age of eighteen he had experienced love in some capacity before, his parents, his sister, a few close friends and a couple of girlfriends here and there but none of those emotional connections compared to you. Surely you would feel the same way about him too, but of course as the poor reaped tribute that you were, you were too afraid to be able to focus on him right now. He was furious you were even here, how dare none of the other female trainees from 4 volunteer to save your precious existence. How cruel the forces of the universe were, for gifting him with an angel only for her to be so close yet still so out of reach. These intense emotions were far too much for one person to ever experience alone, so somehow he must be possessing part of your emotions for him, because you weren’t capable of focusing on anything more than survival right now. His poor defenseless angel, how much you needed him right now.

That must be it. A trial from beyond these games where he would have to earn not just this victory but a way to make you experience your love. There had to be a reason why you were here, it’s because it was for him to prove himself worthy of you. Oh how he wishes you could have met outside, after his victory tour when he went to 4 and he could just pick you from the crowd and make you his. But that would’ve been too simple. Yes, a love like this only came once in a lifetime, he was certain, and he would need to move heaven and earth to somehow save himself and you. But there had to be a reason that the universe had put you together right at this very moment. There had to be a way for him to save you both, and he knew he would kill anyone and everyone who got in his way.

“I promised you last night, I won’t hurt you, and I meant it,” he said, squeezing your elbow – not tight enough to hurt – as if trying to implore you to believe him. His hand felt warm and his hold was firm, shooting a tingling sensation down your spine. You tried to suppress the physical affect his touch was having on you, knowing nothing good could possibly come out of any attraction. You hated just how strongly your body was reacting to him, wondering why the hell he was trying to flirt before he would inevitably try to kill you, and why your body was liking it. But even though you were a tribute, ultimately you were still only human.

“Hoseok, you literally volunteered to kill me, it’s fine,” you began as a small voice internally added ‘well it’s not fine really but that’s besides the point’. A look you couldn’t read flashed in Hoseok’s eyes and he opened his mouth to say something, but you continued on before he could speak.

“I’ve seen enough of these games to know how the career pack works. I’ll help you guys and when it comes down to the end I’ll just try as hard as I can. There’s only one winner and look at you,” your eyes were on his torso because you couldn’t bring yourself to maintain the eye contact as you spoke. The outline of his pectorals and abs that were visible through the fabric of his shirt, compared to your barely toned figure in comparison, did all the speaking in that regard anyway. Looking down at his grip on your elbow, you could see how the fingers on his large hand nearly wrapped all the way around your arm. His own biceps would easily be twice the size of yours.

“Look at Namjoon,” you subtly gestured to your much larger district-mate, “and then look at me.” You weren’t exactly unfit, all the years of physical labor from working on your family’s boat had helped give you some muscle definition, but it was nothing compared to a trained killer.

“You don’t have to lie to me.”

“I’m not lyi-”

Hoseok’s objection was cut off by an announcement coming from the other side of the room. It was now 10 am and everyone had to attend a briefing in regards to how training worked. Hoseok scowled at the interruption before quickly dropping your arm to avoid suspicion from the others.

“This isn’t over,” he whispered, as you followed with the others to where a dark skinned woman stood in the center of the room. She introduced herself as Atala and ran through the basics of how the next three days would work. Her commentary about dehydration and infection being as much of a danger in the arena as the weapons was particularly interesting to, you wondered if Namjoon had spent as much time on his survival skills as he did on his fighting in the old warehouse back at 4. You doubted it. You also noticed a window on the wall that your back had been facing when you entered the room, where a room of mostly men in suits with eccentric beards and wild colored hair styles were sitting on lounges. Atala introduced them as the game makers who were here to observe, sending a shiver of disgust throughout your body.

Before being allowed to focus on the stations of your choice there was a tribute wide assessment on four of the obstacles: Monkey bars, a fire making station, a memory game (which explained what that strange tablet thing was) and a one on one physical combat match with a Capital trainer. The monkey bars were first and tributes were to perform in the order of their district numbers. You were mildly surprised by how Yoongi went from appearing lethargic to swinging across the bars with ease, but as a career it wasn’t entirely unexpected. Krystal and Athena both had no trouble and Hoseok flew across the rungs twice as fast as the others. You swallowed a nervous lump in your throat when your turn came, feeling the pressure of being in a career district and having all eyes focused on you. Upper body strength had never been your strong point, and you knew the furthest you would probably be able to get was around the half way mark. The girl from 3 had struggled and fallen off nearly immediately but you still didn’t want to fail, especially not with Namjoon breathing down your neck behind you. Back at home you had needed to climb around the boat before in order to make repairs, which suddenly gave you an idea.

Jumping up to reach the bar, you used the momentum to swing your legs through and up onto the next bar in front. Hooking your ankles under you pulled your legs through the gap until you were hanging by your knees. With your weight now more evenly distributed you were able to pull yourself up and awkwardly climb over so you were then on top of the bars. From there you tried not to look down at the long fall onto the thin mat below and crawled your way to the other end before lowering yourself back down when you reached the other side.

“Unconventional, but effective” the person who was responsible for measuring the times and taking notes muttered as they scribbled down something on their clipboard.

“Not bad, spaghetti arms” Athena nodded her approval, her own arm muscles were probably close to the same size as Yoongi’s.

“Gotta know your own strengths and weaknesses,” you smiled back with a shrug. Your time was much slower than the others – Namjoon racing across the other side in a speed to rival Hoseok, right after you were done – but it was still better than not even being able to complete the course at all.

The other assessments were pretty much non eventful with predictable results. You performed decently in comparison to other reaped tributes but were definitely lacking compared to the rest of the careers. You could also detect a bit of rivalry beginning to brew between Namjoon and Hoseok as they tried to one up the other. Hoseok was the faster of the two to light a fire but Namjoon was quicker in being able to solve the memory puzzle. Both of them landed ‘lethal blow’ scores against the capital trainer in their sparring match (you had managed to land a simulated hit of the heel of your hand to the capital trainer’s nose which had counted as an ‘incapacitated blow’ – not a bad score).

With the mandatory grading over you were then given individual feedback along with suggestions on recommended training stations before breaking for lunch. After all the exercise you couldn’t help but feel much hungrier than you had before during breakfast, and helped yourself to a sandwich, along with an apple and a bottle of water from the provided catering. The feedback had been handed out on a card, in order of the district number, before you were dismissed for lunch, and you didn’t pay attention to where 1 and 2 had walked off to. Wanting to be alone anyway you walked around a corridor into an empty hallway and took a seat on the floor against the wall. Leaning back, you raised your knees and rested your elbows on your legs as you scanned across your feedback card. You noted there weren’t any grades or scores, but merely recordings of the time it took for you to complete the activity and a short written assessment next to each. At the bottom were the suggestions for which areas to focus on over the remaining days.

Your evaluation had described you as ‘a dark horse’. The Capital had picked up on the career’s alliance and noted that you were the physically weakest of the six members, however they gave you commendation for unconventional problem solving during the monkey bars. The primary suggestion was focusing on weapons based training in order to stand a chance of survival when the time came for the careers to turn against one another. There was also a suggestion to train more on agility based exercises that played to your existing skills, rather that bothering with weights or physical strength stations that would be impossible to build in such a short time.

“How did you go?”

The sudden voice and presence at your side, whilst you were intently focused on reading your card, caused you to jump and nearly swallow your last mouthful of sandwich down the wrong way. You managed to just catch it with an awkward choke, reaching for your bottle of water to swallow it down properly. To your absolute humiliation, you looked up to see Hoseok standing above you with an amused look on his face.

“Uh, fine I guess,” you muttered, fiddling with the card in your hand as he sat down beside you. “You?”

“As expected,” was all he replied with. You nodded awkwardly. You had seen him perform before you in all of the tasks and sail through each of them with ease. ‘As expected,’ meant nothing less than perfection for him. You couldn’t help but wonder if your death was going to be by his hand, and if that would just be ‘as expected’ for him as well.

“Let me see your card.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but the words were caught in your throat (much like your previous mouthful of sandwich) as Hoseok easily pinched your card out from your fingertips and passed you his along the carpet in return. Frowning, you picked his up, to at least pretend it was a mutual exchange.

“Did you swap cards with the others?” you asked, wondering why he was interested in your report. You skim read across his, finding commentary about Hoseok’s speed, skill and lethality, along with a note stating him as a lead contender, nothing that you weren’t already aware of.

“Nope,” Hoseok dismissed, lips pursed as he read your card much slower.

You frowned at this, passing his card across the floor and reaching over to try and grab yours back, only for Hoseok to lazily lean to the side away from you, with a hint of an amused smile. You let an annoyed huff of air out.

“So why are you reading mine then?”

At this Hoseok paused to raise an eyebrow and make eye contact with you over the top of your card in his hands.

“Because I don’t care about the others.”

He found the stunned look of confusion on your face to be absolutely adorable.

“But…” you paused, not even knowing what to say. Shouldn’t he at least care for his own district mate? Granted you didn’t care much for Namjoon but you were at least somewhat going along with him for the sake of presenting a cohesive alliance. And if he didn’t care about the alliance then what was he doing here with you? The implication of his statement was quite clear that he somehow cared about you, so what had you possibly done to warrant his apparent attention.

“Why?” was all you could eventually ask.

He lowered your card to the floor and slid it back towards you, leaning across with it. You predictably reached to pick your card back up and he instantly took the opportunity to put his hand over yours. You flinched and attempted to pull back, but his grip only tightened, forcing your hand to remain below his much larger one.

Your pulse began to rapidly accelerate. You knew he couldn’t harm you, not until you were in the arena. But to be alone and so easily caught and toyed with, by someone much more powerful than you, was frightening. You looked up from his hand to his handsome face, trying not to tremble as Hoseok stared back with a lazy smirk in place. The thumb on his hand over yours was softly stroking the skin around your wrist and you could swear your heart was pounding so fast he had to be able to feel your erratic pulse.

“Because I need you to be with me at the end.” His husky voice was a low murmur, as he leaned in closer again. Your hand remained clasped tightly below his 

“So you can have an easy kill, because I’m weaker than the others?” you frown, knowing your assessment would have told him as much. But Hoseok was quick with a denial.

“No.”

“Then why?” You pushed, growing frustrated with his indirect answers and your hand still trapped in his. Hoseok only tilted his head to the side and released a sigh, looking highly amused.

“Don’t you trust me? You know I’ve promised not to hurt you darling,” his low voice grew quieter still, barely above a whisper, causing you to lean in so you could hear him better.

“Darling?” You balked at the endearment. Whatever answer you could possibly imagine coming out of Hoseok, it definitely wasn’t that. “Hoseok I don’t know what kind of game your playi-”

“You’re not a game to me.” He cut you off before you could even finish your sentence. Undeterred you rushed to speak again.

“But we’re literally in The Hunger Games and one of us is going to have to kill the other. And you and I both know how much easier it would be for you to kill me, than the other way around.”

“Oh so you find the thought of killing me unbearable?”

He quirked his eyebrow with a smirk and again you tried to yank your hand back in annoyance, but he only moved his grip further up to clasp tightly around your wrist. His long fingers easily wrapped all the way around, as he then pulled your arm back towards him, causing your upper body to lean further forward. Unconsciously you let out a breathless whimper in shock, your faces now so close you could feel his breath fanning across the side of your cheek.

“I… I don’t even know how I can kill anybody. You’re the volunteer here and clearly the better fighter between us so you would easily kill me in a final two,” you whispered, trying to turn your head away from his, only for the side of your face to press against the wall.

“Oh but darling you’re wrong, to kill you would be to kill myself.”

The hand that wasn’t pinning your wrist to the ground moved to cradle the side of your face, his fingers threading into your hair and thumb running along the top of your cheekbone.

“Hoseok, stop.” You raised your free hand to push against his chest, but he was solid as a rock and didn’t even budge. Instead he only curled his torso in towards you, pinning you in place against his body and the wall. You whimpered in fear, eyes scanning the hallway trying to find a way out, only for Hoseok to press his nose against your temple and lips to the shell of your ear.

“You may not even know it yourself but I can feel it in your pulse how your heart calls for me. Every beat I feel beneath my fingertip sings to my own, that already belongs to you. If you were to die, my heart would have no need to beat without the one it beats for.”

His deep voice was a seductive purr as his breath against your ear sent a shiver throughout your entire body. His hold on your face forced you to look back into his eyes once more, which held the same intense passion you had seen in them last night.

“How c-can you even say something like that, it hasn’t even been a day s-since we met?” you choked as you felt tears beginning to sting in your eyes.

“Because I felt it the second I laid my eyes on you, and seeing you again this morning only made me feel a hundred times stronger.

“Please stop, I’m going to be dead in a week so can you please just not turn my life into some sick joke,” it was all you could do to beg as the first tear spilled from the corner of your eye, his thumb below easily wiping it away.

“I’m. Not. Joking,” he hissed, each word punctuated by his fingers burying into your hair and clenching tightly at the roots, causing you to gasp as more tears spilled out.

“You’re hurting me,” you whimpered, the hand on his chest reaching up to try and pull at his hand that was holding onto a fist full of your hair. His grip instantly released, his hand moving to grab onto yours and thread his fingers in between your own, before squeezing tightly.

“Not as much as you hurt me whenever you try to deny me,” he retorted, pulling your hand to his lips to place a kiss upon the back.

“What do I possibly gain from a game perspective to choose you as my final partner? You said it yourself that you’re the weakest so that means I’ll need to protect you from the other four when the alliance turns. And believe me princess, I will. I’ll slaughter every one of them in cold blood. I’ll snap the neck of anyone who so much as harms a single hair upon your head. I’m going to kill them all for you baby, and I’ll make you watch so you can see just far how far I’ll go for you.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” you whispered brokenly, tears spilling freely from your eyes now.

“Because,” Hoseok dropped your hand to grab ahold of your chin as his lips moved in closer. When he spoke you could feel them brushing against yours “you’re mine.”

But before Hoseok could firmly press his lips to yours in the kiss he longed for, a sudden shout broke the atmosphere he had worked so hard to build.

“YN!”

You never thought you’d be relieved to hear the sound of Namjoon’s angry voice barking in your direction, but his appearance around the corner and into the hallway caused you to exhale a long breath you didn’t even know you were holding.

“What are you both doing here?” Namjoon growled, angrily striding towards you as Yoongi, Krystal, and Athena followed behind him.

Hoseok, who had his back turned to their direction, scowled in anger at the disruption, before quickly masking his face to a neutral expression. The sudden change in demeanour causing you to flinch.

“I found this one here having a bit of a breakdown over her report card,” Hoseok said, lazily getting to his feet and shooting you a wink as your jaw dropped in shock at his smooth and blatant lie.

“No! I- I…” You immediately went to protest only for the words to be caught in your throat. It would just be Hoseok’s word against your own. And who would believe you? His words were so insane you could barely even believe what he had just been saying.

“It’s ok YN,” he purred, as the others walked over towards you. You angrily got to your feet wiping your eyes, not wanting to be a crying mess on the floor in front of the whole group. “I was just telling her there’s no need to worry. First day freak outs can happen to the best of us.”

“I’m fine,” you scowled, crossing your arms and glaring at the floor and seeing the damned report card laying on the carpet.

“I just wanted some time to myself and if anything having someone around only made it worse” you bit back.

“Very well then,” Hoseok smirked raising his arms in a mock surrender gesture and waving his hands theatrically. “Excuse me for trying to be a good teammate.”

“I didn-” before you could rip into him, you were interrupted by another.

“Can you all give me one minute to talk to my district partner,” Namjoon grunted at the others. He didn’t bother waiting for an answer, grabbing a hold of the top of your arm and dragging you further back up the hallway. You didn’t know what was worse between him bossing you around since the train ride or Hoseok’s crazy confession, but what you did know was that if anyone else tried to manhandle you again you were going to take your chances on your own in the arena. It had only been one day and you were rapidly growing sick of this alliance. You’d rather die with dignity on your own than be dragged around like a dog’s chew toy.

“Let me go,” you hissed, when you were far away enough not to be overheard, grabbing his hand and ripping it off your arm. Namjoon just rolled his eyes before staring down at you from his tall height.

“What the fuck was that about?” he asked.

For a moment you breathed a sigh of relief. Trying to convince Athena or District 1 about Hoseok losing his mind would be one thing, but Namjoon was your own team mate. You vaguely knew each other from growing up in the same town. Maybe he might actually believe you. Glancing back to the others you saw them chatting amongst themselves, Krystal was now holding your report card and Yoongi gave a dismissive shrug to something Athena had just said. As if sensing your gaze, Hoseok glanced across to make eye contact. The corner of his lip curled up and he cocked his eyebrow smugly as if to say ‘go on and tell him, see if he believes you’. You scowled at him before turning back to Namjoon and grabbing a hold of his arm (missing the way Hoseok’s nose twitched in annoyance at you initiating the physical contact with another man).

“Namjoon, please, you have to believe me,” you began, instantly lowering your voice as you squeezed his bicep imploringly – your hand didn’t even wrap halfway around the much stronger boy’s arm.

“What happened?” he asked bluntly, eyebrows narrowing into a frown.

So you told him. Speaking as quietly as possible and trying to rush through the details as fast as you could, you hurriedly told him about how Hoseok had found you alone and stolen your card, before pinning you against the wall, claiming you were his, and threatening to kill all the others. You finished by telling him how it was only through the rest of the group showing up when they did, that had stopped Hoseok from kissing you.

“It was humiliating,” you hissed out, trying to choke down the lump in your throat that had built up as you were recalling what happened.

“I don’t want to be in the career pack anymore, I can’t do it, not with him.”

You looked up at Namjoon, begging him with your eyes to believe what you had just said.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”

You dropped his arm and visibly recoiled as if his words had physically hit you. As far as you were concerned he may as well have.

“Some pretty boy spouts some Romeo and Juliet bullshit so you want to leave the best chance either of us have for surviving this thing? How can you actually be that stupid?!”

You were fuming. How dare he just dismiss what had happened to you like that. You had taken a leap of faith, hoping that as your own team mate he would believe you, and instead he had virtually spat in your face as a response.

“I’m not stupid Namjoon!” You sneered. “The one year my name gets called out is the one year no girls volunteer because they knew that you were going to. If the girls who have spent their whole lives training know they can’t beat you, how the fuck do you think I feel right now? Maybe it’s easier for you because you’ve actually got a chance in these games, but I’m going to die. And none of this is my choice, you actually chose to be here! You were the one who said on the train that you wanted us to join the career pack, so I did! And now I’m the one being harassed, not you! Stop treating me like a child because I’m not just a pawn you can tell what to do until you decide to kill me.”

“If you don’t want to be treated like a child then stop acting like a pathetic fool over the first boy to give you some attention. Do you think your pretty little face is somehow special enough for Hoseok to actually fall in love with at first sight?”

“Of course not!”

“You should be thanking me for pulling your head back in from whatever deluded little fantasy he’s trying to spin. Are you that stupid you can’t tell he’s just trying to divide us so you want to work with him instead of me by the time we get to the end game? At the very least you and I know each other and I guarantee you, in that arena it’s better the devil you know”

You wanted to point out how you were the one to tell him about Hoseok, and clearly were trying to work with Namjoon instead, only for him to berate you, but logic was out the window by this stage.

“Is it? Cause it sounds to me like you’re just keeping me around until you decide to break my neck when it’s convenient for you,” you snapped instead.

“That’s how alliances work sweetheart. You watch my back in the pack to make sure 1 or 2 don’t just slit my throat in my sleep. I drag your ungrateful ass around and make sure you aren’t taken out by some amateur who wouldn’t know the difference between a liver and an intestine. Is that how you want to die? Bleeding out for hours after being stabbed by an untrained idiot and spending your final moments in agony? Would you rather die by someone beating your head in with a rock because that’s the only weapon they know how to use? Let’s see how beautiful you are with your skull smashed in huh. Or do you want to go from starvation or hypothermia because you’re lost and all alone?”

You were absolutely stunned. He was expecting you to just follow him around the arena like a little puppy, where the only incentive for doing so would be his definition of a merciful death? Before you could tell him where he could shove his alliance, your argument was cut off by the approaching voice of Athena.

“I don’t know what kind of little lover’s quarrel you two have got going on here” you could swear you heard a warning growl from Hoseok “but get your shit together. We can’t have infighting in the alliance, especially before we even get into the arena. You,” a point at Namjoon, “stop treating her like shit. And you,” a point at you, “Stop looking like you’re about to cry. You’re a career for fuck sake, a cold blooded killer. Even though you’re obviously not, you at least need to look like one to scare off the other tributes otherwise you’re going to be the lowest hanging fruit they try and pick off first.”

You stared blankly back as Athena kept talking. The other tributes. You had been so preoccupied thinking about Hoseok and Namjoon’s cruelty, you hadn’t even considered your position without them. By now you were established as a career in the eyes of 18 other tributes, regardless of if you wanted to be one or not. From the past years of the games you knew that the other districts would take any opportunity they could to eliminate a career that somehow wound up on their own.

You were completely and utterly ruined no matter what direction you chose to go.

“Hoseok, Namjoon, you two are coming with me to the obstacle course run for a few hours. We need to do some teamwork after you two had your little dick measuring contest before in the graded courses. You two need to do something to make it look like you’re unified because right now because that’s something other tributes can exploit. Krystal, YN, and Yoongi will go to the rope tying station so YN can help us with knots and show off that she’s actually needed in our alliance to the others”

Namjoon nodded curtly whilst Hoseok clearly looked more annoyed at the idea of being split from you and having to work with the Namjoon. However, he quickly covered his expression and nodded as well. Athena gave each of them a shove on the shoulder to get them moving and they walked off out the hallway and back into the training compound.

You took a deep breath, grateful to have a break from either of their presence before looking between Yoongi and Krystal. They didn’t seem particularly interested in you, their sharp eyes and beautiful features were relaxed into a neutral expression that only suggested boredom. That was perfectly fine with you. As a fisherman’s daughter you were indeed well versed in knots and grateful for the reprise which would allow you to spend some time on something you were actually confident with.

“Alright, show me where the knotting station is”

Note: This story was originally a one shot in my mind and has now reached a planned 6 chapters. Aha. I suck.

Ideally I wanted the 'before the games' section to just be one chapter, but found it was starting to get too long after this reached over 7000 words and I still have the other training days, final assessment/grade out of 12 and the interviews with Caesar to cover (those will be in the next chapter, with the games starting in the update after)

The concept of the assessment came from the 1st movie where Atala (the woman who does that ‘in 2 weeks most of you will be dead’ speech in the training centre) mentions a mandatory assessment, so I just worked with an idea from that.

This chapter hopefully showcases more of Hoseok's Yandere nature along with establishing just how much or a horrible character Namjoon is (I swear I'll do a better fic of Namjoon as the lead soon).

#yandere hoseok #yandere bts #bts x reader #dark bts #dark jhope #y!hoseok #hoseok x reader #yandere bts fic #HUNGER GAMES AU #hoseok fic #hoseok au #hoseok x you #yandere jung hoseok #dark bts au #yandere

[fictropes]

oh boy i sure did write many words in 2020

Hi! I am copying people due to i want to.  This is a lil (well... 63) round up of all the fics I wrote this year! Cos i’m very evil @ myself and writing fic and think i’m either not doing enough, or not doing it good enough, so i wanna full list of what I actually did so I can see my own accomplishments and can maybe... clap 4 myself for once. And honestly writing has helped MASSIVELY with my depression so.. that’s a bonus. 

ALSO. this is a big huge thankyou to everyone! I only joined here + started writing in august and you’ve all been so so nice and welcoming and supportive  <333 ;_; and I know they say write for yourself... but honestly peoples comments and excitement about my stuff has just been really, really lovely and I would never have written this much without all of you cheering me on<3. 

so here is a list of everything i’ve written, organised by length and everything, so if you find yourself bored over the holidays... have a lil browse. (Sorry if u are on mobile and this doesn’t show as a read more) 

Chaptered:

Can we try again? series (M) Complete - 35k  - “Yeah, Phil. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dan answers, softer than he’d wanted because he already knows what he’s about to do next.(or Dan doesn't turn up in 2009 and bumps into Phil 11 years later at a youtube convention 2. I like cupcakes, especially the gay variety (M) Complete - 30k - Firstly, Dan was 29. How was that a mature student?Secondly, his actual book was on the university fucking syllabus.(or the one in which Dan tries university again in a desperate attempt to prolong his procrastination, and his lecturer Phil is apparently something of a fan) 3. 7 Letters series (M) Complete - 9k - Your penpal can be the person you live with, actually. 4. There's Beans in Here (T) Complete - 2k - Phil has his wisdom teeth removed; Phil says many questionable things. 5. Roadtrip (E) Complete - 8k - “Exactly. I am right, as always.”“As always.” Dan agrees.Series 6. night shift, please (E) Wip - 27k I PROMISE THIS WILL COME BACK IN 2021 - Ten years and he’ll never get over how early he has to get up sometimes. In all honesty he prefers the night shift. 7. Still Not Calling it Fate (M) Wip - 14k - It’s become a bit of a thing, a bit of a thing that everyone he crosses paths with takes the piss out of him for 8. when i met you, a blue rush began (M) Complete - 5k - They end up in a small restaurant overlooking the sea, everything here is so blue. The sky, the sea, Phil’s eyes, the shirt he’s wearing buttoned up all the way to the top. 9. Luggage Tags (E) Complete - 2.5k - Just because it looks like your suitcase, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is. 10. Demon in the sack (E) Complete - 2.5k - Dan’s leg jiggles beneath his desk, knee hitting the table as he tries to force himself to hang up and ring the number he was supposed to ring— he doesn’t, he can’t. Long ( for me) oneshots (3k+) 11. Electronics and the Phil's who break them (M) Complete - 9k - The first time’s an accident, a proper accident— a Phil forgot how to hold his cup and now he’s watching his coffee seep into his keyboard type accident. 12. A Letter of Specifics (T) Complete - 4k - You'll know it's your soulmate because no one else on earth could be doing what they're doing. 13. The Benefits of A Weak Floor (M) Complete - 4k - He quite literally falls through Dan’s ceiling. 14. 10:35 on a Thursday (E) Complete -  3.7k - He’s tapping his pen against the paper, acting as though he isn’t asking Phil to take a sex quiz at 10:35am on a Thursday morning. 15. 2009, catboys (T) Complete - 3.2k - “You have your own ears, can’t have four.”“Why?” 16. Wrong Room (T) Complete - 3k - “Congratulations!’’ And he was expecting to hear a cry, or at least his mother telling him to be quiet because a certain baby was sleeping. Instead he heard the deep clear of a throat, a rustling of sheets. 2k-3k oneshots 17. Dinner with a stranger (T) Complete - 2.5k - @amazingphl hi! second year of doing this, sooo if anyone has nowhere to go for Christmas dinner I am once again offering..my flat (and by extension me) ;oSeries 18. Easy Lover (M) Complete - 2.4k - ''Yeah. We're always fine.'' It was always fine. It was always easy, despite always behind hard. 19. Cold Season (M) Complete - 2k - Dan is ill, insatiable and another word beginning with I. 1k-2k oneshots 20. Morose men on rooftops (T) Complete - 1.9k - “Dunno, maybe chatting up morose men on roofs is my thing.” He laughs, and it’s a nice noise. 21. Love with tongues of fire (T) Complete - 1.7k - So when Dan waltzed into the room, declaring his hunger Phil thought nothing of it. Just another night for another takeaway. 22. Your Rocks are my Rocks (T) Complete - 1.7k - Phil wants a new rock for Norman, Dan wants a peaceful life. 23. Joint Content (M) Complete - 1.6k - It started of a as a joke— a Joint Content joke. 24. 24/7 Fantasies (M) Complete - 1.5k - He thinks about Dan 24/7, constantly in two separate fantasies 25. A Conversation in Multiple Hallways (T) Complete - 1.5k - You're still here then? 26. Sharing Space (T) Complete - 1.5k - It's 2010 and dan has had a day. 27. The Obvious (T) Complete - 1.5k - "Can I use that?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, already scrawling it beneath the only three words he currently has— I love you. 28. I'm Thinking of Ending Things (T) Complete - 1.5k - Dan hears half a conversation, jumps to one whole conclusion. 29. Love Language of the Tactile (T) Complete - 1.4k - “I’m just— that’s a hypothetical.” Dan leans in this time, takes the touches that Phil always so freely gives away. “Can’t kiss in secret rooms if I leave.” 30. Don't Let the Self-Doubt Ruin You (T) Complete - 1.3k - “I’m here.” “Yeah, you’re here.” 31. Conflict Resolution (T) Complete - 1.3k - Following recent events we’ve decided it best we take a combative approach to your current workplace issues, we have booked you into a conflict resolution class this Thursday afternoon - we will not be paying you to attend. 32. when it comes to love (i want a slow hand) (E) Complete - 1.2k - And there it is, the refusal of anything in return. This is just for Dan and it always will be. 33. You're Still The one (T) Complete - 1.1k - “What’re you thinking about?” “You.” 34. Teach Me, Dad. (T) Complete - 1k - "Do you think I could be the next Mozart?” 35. The Logistics of a Clone (M) Complete - 1k - “I don’t think that’s a clone, though, like maybe more of a Doppelgänger.” Dan doesn’t know why they’re delving so deep into this, why he’s so damn bothered about being right. “It’s just literally you.” 36. All's fair in Love and Monopoly (T) Complete - 1k - Phil does not play by the rules, Dan lets him win anyway. Under 1k oneshots 37. Hide out in your heart (E)  Complete - 0.9k - The second time Dan comes to visit it’s different. 38. Oh, there you are. (G) Complete - 0.9k - So after all this, after everything, he doesn’t think anything of it when someone else slips into his dms. 39. The Boy has Attitude (T) Complete - 0.9k - “You didn’t tell me you looked like this.”“Like what?”“This!” Phil’s waving a physical copy of the magazine in his face— so that’s where he’d been. 40. Hairties (and how not to use them) (M) Complete - 0.8k - “Why would you do that? Let us settle in, nice and slow and— gently does it.” 41. The Second Apartment. (T) Complete - 0.8k - It’s a stop-gap apartment, a we’re going to get our forever home after this. 42. Japan, 2019. (G) Complete - 0.8k - NO summary, just an obviously I was going to write this after phil's post 43. Doting Man (T) Complete - 0.7k - They’re both drunk, Phil more so— definitely more so.Series 44.  Imposter (T) Complete - 0.7k - Among us is.. a bastard. 45. Ratemyprofessors.com (M) Complete - 0.7k - ‘Maybe if that Phil bloke from the English dep he’s always staring at fucked him he’d stop being so uptight’ 46. Failed Attempts (T) Complete - 0.7k - Dan enlists the help of Phil for his latest Instagram. 47. Bonus Prize (M) Complete - 0.7k - Phil Trash Number One 48. Feels like home (G) Complete - 0.7k - Home is where the Phil is. 49. We can make Forever work (T) Complete - 0.7k - It’s a moment of realising forever may sound too much to people, but we’ll get through everything together— we don’t have any other choice. 50. Scene in the Kitchen (T) Complete - 0.7k - New place 51. 4'11 (T) Complete - 0.6k - Dan is baby 52. Pillow Imprints (T) Complete - 0.6k - Dan is a menace, and Phil loves him anyway. 53. Parachute Jacket (T) Complete - 0.5k - Dan thinks Phil is obsessed with them Those few times I thougt I was goddamn Ri**ard S*ken 54. Home (G) Complete - 0.7k - It’s their forever home, because their actual forever lives inside of it. 55. secrets spoken in empty rooms (T) Complete - 1k - So he wants to be the same, but he wants Dan more. 56. Separately Together  (T) Complete - 0.9k - Phil’s soft hands and even softer words. It gets harder to leave. Gets to the point where Dan turns off an alarm just so he misses the train. 57. It's not hard to fall (T) Complete - 0.7k - Still a little bit of your words I long to hear Some more Epistolary (apart from 7 letters)  58. A Play in One Act (T) Complete - 1.1k - [Manchester Piccadilly train-station, midday, October 19th, 2009.] 59. R/AITA (T) Complete - 0.8k - AM I THE ASSHOLE FOR MAKING MY BOYFRIEND BE A WORM?Series 60. Lonely Hearts (T) Complete - 1.8k - I will not say you were crying on the tube (out of politeness) 61. Conversations of the Lazy Kind (T) Complete - 1k - eggs? wot? Smells like eggs

[auarchivist]

This picture can kind of fit into any one of various AU's. It showcases some of the characters I like to write and draw as well as a few original characters of mine.

((WARNING: long post incoming))

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It isn't everyday that James can get everyone together in one place, so when it did finally happen he planned on making the most of it with a little photo. It took a bit of moving around, but they managed to get everyone in the shot. FRONT----    From the far north is Paula, ever the joker type she finds good humor in almost anything. When she's not out in the wilderness or at home with her faithful blue ox, Babe, she can usually be found having tea and good conversation with her closest friend, Kitty. Out of all of the youngins Kitty has taken in, Hazel is by far the fondest of the bear woman, even going as far as to call her "Auntie Paula". A title Paula seems quite happy with. When it came to the new faces of their little group, Paula was always one of the first to warm up to them, but don't let her sweet nature fool you. Personality wise, she may be a teddy bear, but she's still a bear and she's got the strength to back it up.    Up next is the ever chaotic coyote Huehuecoyotl better known as Huey. Despite what people say about him, Huey is more than just an oblivious fool. In fact, he has often surprised those that doubt him with his random moments of genius. That being said while there is a method to his madness, its still madness. He can often be found at the village of Hatfield ,where all see him as the spirit of the village, hanging out with Calamity or helping James with his research on Moguels and magic. If not, then he is more than likely stealing a scarecrow somewhere.    Zim found himself at a low point, not too long ago, after finding out his mission to conquer earth was in fact just a lie by the tallest to get rid of him. Without goal or purpose and dealing with the realization that he might actually be a bad person, he fell into a state of depression. But all that changed when his ship crashed and he met Erma and the Williams family. Now he has turned over a new leaf, and is determined to achieve greatness by aiding those he can. Despite this though, Zim is very much still the ego filled, deranged megalomaniac he has always been, but now with more noble goals in mind. Despite his shortcomings in socializing Zim has managed to make close friends with Spinel and Catra and even forming a relationship with Erma's old babysitter Felicia (how he managed that is a mystery even to him).    Felicia has been familiar with the paranormal for a few good years now. From being the Williams go to babysitter to dating a former Irken Invader. She has taken all the weirdness in her life in stride, almost unfazed by any of it. Cool and level headed under pressure, a quick thinker and a good dose of bravery has made her infamous to those she has faced on ill terms, especially among the Irkens.    The young girl Erma is certainly a unique one, being a hybrid of human and Yokai descent, people in very high places have had their eye on the little girl for a long time, and for good reason as she is a well and true powerhouse of a child with abilities straight out of a horror movie. Despite this she is very much still a child and when she's not at school or at home watching a slasher flick, or the latest episode of Warrior Unicorn Princess with Gir, she can usually be found with her friends, Hazel Hali and Kaio (last two not listed).    Frosta has certainly had an adjustment period to go through and to be perfectly honest, who can blame her?  After all, its not everyday you lose your home planet. Luckily she has not had to face this alone and has adjusted rather well. All things considered. Nowadays, she lives with glimmer out in the country mastering her ice powers and trying to make friends. Turns out being former royalty can be a blessing and a curse when it comes to socializing.    When Kitty found Hazel one cold, snowy night she had every intention of finding her a proper home elsewhere come morning. But that very night, with the fire roaring, and the child asleep by her side as she quilted, any such notions went flying out the window when morning arrived. Sense then Hazel has been living with Kitty and James slowly and surely coming out of her shell (pun intended) and has become very fond of her new found family. Its clear to those that know her well that she still has some inner demons to work through.    Spinel is the one person that could possibly hope to match Huey in terms of randomness. After Zim stopped her injector plans, with the help of the crystal gems (if you asked Zim he did it all on his own) Spinel stayed on Earth to help fix the damage to beach city and afterwards the two were practically inseparable. The Irken was surprised to learn that the Toony Gem was in fact quite the genius in her own right.  Spinel helps him with a number of his experiments when she's not helping defend the local villages or hanging out with the others. She's even become quite popular with the local children, due to her zany sense of humor and neat tricks and abilities. Which has led to her taking up a side gig as an entertainer. Couch----    Despite appearances Dr. James Algernon was, in fact, human at one point in time. When he was a young boy and the "black ick" had spread across the continent James had the good fortune of running into a young Kajortoq and since then the two had grown to be quite close (much to Paula's teasing). Of course one day old James let his curiosity get the better of him, and he came to an abrupt and brutally painful end.  On the bright side, he did prove Chupacabras were real..and that they could get rabies. For most folks that would be where their story ended, but it seems no one informed James of that fact. As he somehow managed to have his soul inhabit the body of one of angels bizarre puppet dolls, made from wood and the bones of some kind of canine. An expert in the fields of psychology, anthropology, biology, and things retaining to the occult and mystical Dr. Algernon is driven by two things, his love for those he considers family and his borderline obsession with understanding the workings of Magic, both of which have blinded his hindsight and common sense a few times in the past.      The anxious feathered snake Quetzalcoatl, better known simply as Corn, is a quiet soul. Ever sense he was a little hatchling raised by kitty, Corn has always been more at ease alone or with the people he knows well. He earned his nickname when it was discovered the serpent boy had quite the green thumb, especially when it came to growing corn. He has certainly appreciated the additional help he has gotten recently in the form of his adopted sibling figure Hazel and his kindred spirit Wrodak.  Both of which he has become rather attached too.    When Kajortoq was little she was best known for two things, having a lovely singing voice that could heal the sick and for acting way older than she actually was. Now a young adult, she is still known for those things but as of recently she has become known for being the new wielder of the Red Tezcatlipoca. This is an ancient and powerful artifact that takes the form of a burning red wood-stove poker, and can harness the power of the Earth's molten core. It is also said to embody "the virtue of Judgement". Despite her cold exterior, many who know her can vouch that beneath that is a kind, nurturing women. Which has lead her to being what some would call the "mom friend" of the group. It is not too far away from the truth either, as she is already looking after three youngins, Corn, Hazel, and Charles, and has taken Catra under her wing.    Many do not know what to make of Ozama Angeline, or Angel as she is known by her friends. The powerful spirit seems to be a genuinely sweet girl despite her appearance, But the fact that she comes from the "Mictlan Woods", a Realm notorious for being a place for the lost and unwanted souls of the dead; and filled with strange doll and puppet beings made of bone, cloth and other materials (some seemily made by Angel herself), made people a tad hesitant to trust her. But over time people have grown to accept the patchwork girl being around (for the most part).  Nowadays when she is not in Mictlan she can be found tagging along with her adopted human sibling figure, Charles and his friends.    Charles is the very definition of "Problem child" which is no surprise given that his parents were from rival villages, leading to them abandoning him to perish in the cold of winter.  He was found by Angel and Amaroq (not shown). This alone would have lead to the boy having issues, but then it just so happened that he was chosen to wield the Black Tezcatlipoca, a black mass that when left on its own, nearly covered the world in an endless sleep, before being sealed away by Xipe Totec and the three siblings (Xochiquetzal, Ixtlilton and Xochipilli). When he first started using the "black ick" he planned to simply use it to end the villager's feud, but given the fact that he's a kid dealing with the people who abandoned him just for being related to someone from another village, and he now had control over a powerful magical artifact, he got a little mad with power. If it weren't for Kitty and the others' intervention, things could have gotten much worse than it already had. Nowadays he lives both in Mictlan and with Kitty, and while it took awhile, everyone has come to accept him as a member of the group. He has even managed to make a few friends. back----    An expert in illusion magick, Wrip is a master of disguise, all with the help of the magick bottles she makes herself.  If that doesn't work, this resourceful rabbit often uses her skills in flattery and persuasiveness to get her way. A  trick that works on most, save for her significant other Vinkle.    A long time ago Vinkle was charged by the local villages to reign in the illusive rabbit, Wrip.  Whos untethered nature upset them somehow. The finer details of what transpired afterword's is unknown to all, except for them. As what they have told others has, in their words, "creative licenses" but in the end, whatever happened left the two falling for each other and forming a relationship. At first glances it would appear that Vinkle is not all that bright, given his quiet and seemly distractible nature, but in reality he is simply a man of few words and is surprisingly quite perceptive of things.    Catras life has been, to put it lightly, rough. Her childhood was spent as a soldier in training in "The Horde"  with Adora, both of witch were raised by the dark sorceress Shadow Weaver (because that's a name of someone I'd trust around kids).  It was clear to all that while Shadow Weaver loved Adora like a daughter, she merely tolerated Catra, delivering torturous punishments  on the Magicat for any discrepancies caused by either of the two. This harsh treatment would leave psychological, mental, and emotional scars on Catra.  This would lead to her falling into a downward spiral, into villainy, leading to her hurting and driving away the few people in her life that still cared about her. Now after defeating Horde Prime and the exodus to earth, Catra continues her journey of redemption and luckily for her it is not a journey she's taking alone. From Kajortoq who has taken her under her wing, to her two close friends and co-former villains, Zim and Spinel, and finally Glimmer one of the few people in Catras life that has stuck around (and to who she "secretly" feels very deeply for).    Glimmer, the former princess of Brightmoon, was once hailed as a hero of the rebellion and their battle against the Evil Horde. (Why they called themselves "The Rebellion" despite not being concurred by the horde yet is anyone's guess.) But close to the end of the war she lost her mother Queen Angella.  This set her down a dark path, where her anger and grief led her to being manipulated by Shadow weaver. The conniving sorceress convinced Glimmer to activate a powerful device that paved the way for Horde Prime to find Etheria. After his defeat and moving to earth, Glimmer now tries to fix her reputation among the other Etherians as well as redeem herself. Since coming to Earth the former Princess has had a very rocky relationship with her old friends, not only for activating the device, but also for staying with Catra who she has grown very close to (and who she secretly holds feelings for) She has also begun looking out for Frosta, who still greatly admires the sparkly princess.    Icobod, the resident Book worm/stick in the mud of the group, is extremely knowledgeable in a few magical and academic fields. He is also a rather superstitious bird and is obsessed with omens, taking even the most simple ones with the utmost seriousness. Growing up in Hollow, Ichy hid his moguel nature, spending much time in his human form, fearing scrutiny by others if they knew the truth. This lead to him growing distant, even amongst his friends. Nowadays he had grown more comfortable around others, with the resident Irken taking a liking to the "large birdman of science" as he calls him. Another thing worth mentioning is that he has a considerable crush on Wrip that he has not entirely gotten over.    The adoptive little sister of Icobod, Chalchiutlicue, or Calamity as she prefers to go by, is in many ways his polar opposite. With a laid back, free spirit nature, she enjoys spending time out in the wilderness with her friend Huey. Make no mistake though, Calamity may be laid back, but when the time is needed she is more than willing to do what she feels needs to be done. She is also one to usually follow her gut, trusting her instincts despite others input. This has actually contributed to her becoming the wielder of "Tlalocs Tuning fork" a large intricately designed tuning fork that grants the wilder the power to control water provided one sing a certain haunting lyric. When Catra first joined their group, Calamity was very wary of her, but nowadays she has found in some ways a kindred spirit in the Feline Humanoid.    The Newest member of the group, Irina is quite the brawler, seemly always having some kind of bruise or some other injury on her. Despite this the foul mouth canine has quite the cheery disposition, witch goes well with her morbid sense of humor. Her favorite hobby. it seems, is poking fun at Calamity, the only person around who seems capable of matching her wit and despite the Lizard girls statements to the contrary, she always seems happier with the Canine girl around. Nor can anyone deny the glances the two shoot each other when they think the other isn't looking.      Last but certainly not least is "Wrong Hordak", or Wrodak as usually he goes by. When the former drone was cut out of Horde Primes hivemind he was a sobbing wreck as he saw himself as impure and lacking a purpose. Later on though, he saw through Horde Primes lies and aided in his downfall. Nowadays he is happy to be of assistance wherever possible. Usually helping Corn tend to his plants, or with Zim and Jame's research into the occult.               ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kitty, Corn, Calamity, Icobod, Huey, Wrip, Vincle, angel and chareles are from "No Evil" by Betsy Lee it can be found on YouTube and I highly recommend it especially if you love fantasy and Folklore as much as I do (witch is a LOT) Catra, Glimmer, Frosta and Wrodak are from She-Ra and the Princesses of Power on Netflix by Noelle Steven Felitia and Erma are from the Comic series Erma by Brandon Santiago Zim and Gir are from Invader Zim by Jhonen Vasquez Spinel is from the Steven Universe movie and Steven Universe Future by Rebecca Sugar Hazel is from infinity train by Owen Denis

#kajortoq #no evil betsy lee #no evil kitty #no evil calamity #no evil corn #no evil ichabod #no evil #invader zim #iz zim #zim #she ra and the princess of power fanart #she ra and the princesses of power #she ra #she ra netflix #catra #she ra catra #glimmer #she ra glimmer #glitra #erma #erma comic #infinity train #hazel #infinity train hazel #infinity train book three #crossover #cartoon crossover #oc x canon #crossover mashup #alternate universe

[brightbeautifulthings]

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

"'What if sometimes there is no choice about what to love? What if the temple comes to Mohammed? What if you just love? without deciding? You just do: you see her and in that instant are lost to sober account-keeping and cannot choose but to love?'"

Year Read: 2014, 2020

Rating: 5/5

Context: It's hard to know where to begin writing a review for this book. I read it for the first time in graduate school in about five weeks (alongside everything else I had to do in grad school, so I don't recommend that), and it basically blew my mind. At the same time, it's hard to imagine tackling it any other way for the first time. Despite its difficulty, there are things obsessive and immersive and, appropriately, even addictive about it. Full immersion might be the only way to read it for the first time, and I obsessed about it for months afterward. Since I'm not on any deadlines, I took it more slowly this time (21 weeks) so I could enjoy the writing and the nuances without the pressure to finish. For my less coherent weekly updates in real time, see my blog posts. Trigger warnings: Everything, everything. Death (on-page), child death, animal death, suicide, suicidal ideation, rape, pedophilia, possible incest, child abuse/abusive households, graphic violence/gore, eye horror, severe injury, drug use, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, depression, OCD, grief, racism, ableism, transphobia, sexism, inexplicable hostility toward Canadians.

About: If it's difficult to know how to write a review, it's equally hard to describe what Infinite Jest is about. It's about so many things, tennis, addiction, communication (failures), and entertainment among them, but I'll do my best. Beneath all the numerous characters, timelines, and subplots, the main plot is about a film so entertaining that it kills anyone who watches it, robs them of all desire to do anything but watch it until they die, and what a faction of Canadian assassins will do to possess it. The auteur is James Incandenza, a suicide whose son, Hal, is a prodigy at Enfield Tennis Academy. Next door to E.T.A. is Ennet House, a drug rehabilitation center where Don Gately, former thief and Demerol addict, is taking it day by day to stay sober. Though they don't know it, Hal and Gately are connected, and the deadly Entertainment and those who seek it draw their paths closer and closer together.

Thoughts: It's rare to find a book that is actually as smart as it claims to be, but IJ is--certainly much smarter than I am, despite all my attempts to make sense of it. It starts off strong and doesn't let up for several hundred pages, which is a huge achievement all by itself. Wallace excels at writing extremely polished sections that could almost function alone as short stories, and the first chapter is one of my favorites in all fiction. It's reassuring, I think, to start the book off on a strong note, in case we worried we were in for a thousand pages of tedious slog. It can be both, but it's often heartfelt, insightful, and funny as well, and the payoff is well worth the effort. I don’t know how Wallace manages to pack every page with so much meaning. Anybody can put tedious lists in their books or make reading purposely difficult (and I have attitude about writers who do this for no reason), but there’s nothing haphazard about this book, despite its size and varied focus. Everything seems utterly intentional. The conversations are really top-tier; Wallace has a great ear for how people talk, and it's a fascinating look at how communication works and doesn't work.

Thematically, I think the book succeeds on more than any other level, including plot or structure. If we could say this book is "about" anything, we would almost certainly start with the themes and not the plot, which is often secondary to whatever point Wallace is trying to make at the moment. It takes an in-depth looks at things like addiction, depression, loneliness, failed communication, sincerity v. irony, critiques of postmodernism and metafiction (while being very meta itself, at times), and the very specific selfishness of an American culture that insists on freedom even to the point of self-destruction. At times, it feels a little heavy-handed or like it was yanked right out of an intro to philosophy course, but I suppose something in a thousand pages has to be obvious if we're ever going to pick up on it. A lot of these themes resurface in his other work, from "This is Water" and "E Unibus Pluram" to Orin Incandenza's Brief Interview style Q and A (and he would be a perfectly fitting character in that book).

The characters are some of my favorites in literary fiction as well, particularly the Incandenza family and Don Gately, and to a lesser extent Joelle Van Dyne (although Wallace typically doesn’t write female characters very well, and she comes with some issues). Hal and Gately couldn't be more different; Hal excels at everything he's ever done, and Gately has a record that includes accidental homicide on it. Hal is the hero of non-action, since little that happens in the book is engineered by him, while Gately is closer to the more typical hero of action, who defends the undeserving at great cost to himself. Yet their struggles with addiction are similar, and they both manage to be incredibly sympathetic characters. In my opinion, the book is always at its best when we’re with Hal or Gately, but I’m strongly driven by good characters. Despite being dead, James Incandenza's presence is also felt all over the book, from the Entertainment he created to his haunting ETA and sticking beds to the ceiling (probably the weirdest ghost I've ever seen in fiction). He's a tragic character in a book full of tragic characters. The others are too numerous to name, from the other tennis players at ETA and recovering addicts at Enfield, to the various bystanders populating Boston. We get brief glimpses into almost all of them, and while they may not all feel relevant at the time, most are memorable or heart-wrenching or slapstick funny, or all three. It's a book that contains multitudes.

That's not to say it's always on point though, and it isn't. There are a number of very serious problems with representation in this novel, and they're as bad as its detractors claim. A lot of the 90s humor aged very poorly, but that's not an excuse for some of the unabashedly racist depictions of African Americans, the uncharitable descriptions of Steeply's and Poor Tony's cross-dressing, or--however much I love him as a character--the fact that Mario Incandenza’s descriptions are ableist in just about every possible way. Wallace thinks he's capturing "voice" when he's really encouraging harmful stereotypes. The humor of the novel often doesn’t depend at all on these stereotypes and would in fact, be a lot more funny if I wasn’t spending so much energy cringing at it. So many of the little racist and ableist asides could have easily been edited out of the entire novel to make it less offensive. There are also sections where he seems at pains to be as gross as possible for its own sake. There are plenty of things grim or uncomfortable or flat out distasteful about this book, but sometimes the graphic violence kind of jumps out and stabs you in the eye, say, with a railroad spike.

If there are times when I was totally absorbed in the little tragedies of the Incandenza family or Gately's struggles, there are plenty more where it's like pushing something heavy up a hill. No lie, some of it is slogging through tedious minutiae and various experimental writing styles (some more successful and less offensive than others). Wallace has a gift for purposeful tedium; it’s at its peak in The Pale King, but he gives it a nice warm-up round here. The novel is difficult and meant to be, since Wallace maintained that some of the best pleasures are the ones we have to work for, and he's not totally off base. There's something very satisfying about living, for a time, in a book that spans a thousand pages, that demands focus and perseverance, and manages to give back (almost) as much as it takes. The book is always structurally interesting, but it starts to get more complicated toward the end as various characters and plots begin to almost slide into one another. I forgot how frustrating it was to near the end and realize--again--that it wasn't going to wrap up with any kind of satisfaction; the various plots slide, but they don’t meet. I thought if I paid closer attention on a second read that I would pick up more of the plot things I’d missed on my first, but I think the problem is that those answers simply aren’t to be found in the actual text. Of course, they can point us toward various conclusions, and the novel certainly encourages us to speculate and make connections, but I don’t think the actual answers are there.

That brings me to some of my final thoughts, for now. There's no doubt that this is a hugely successful book, and I believe it accomplished exactly what Wallace meant it to do. He jokingly referred to it as a failed entertainment, much the way Jim considered his lethal Entertainment a failure, but I have the sense that Wallace, unlike Jim, failed on purpose. The book purposely pays more attention to structure and theme than it does to plot or character, yet the plot and characters are hugely compelling for what we see of them. Imagine the book it could have been if he had paid equal attention to all of them. Wallace attempted to create a book that people wouldn't want to stop reading. Reaching the end certainly encourages us to begin again, as the first chapter is actually the last in chronology, but that trick only works the first time. By my second read, I realized that starting over wouldn't help me fill in any of those blanks or answer any of my questions, and I was content to let it go. On the one hand, IJ depends upon its structure to tell the story it's telling. On the other, think of the book it could have been if it spent more time telling a story and developing its characters and less time belaboring a point. It's one of the best books I've ever read, and the tragedy is that I think it could have been even better.

#book review #infinite jest #david foster wallace #literary fiction #adult fiction #5/5 #rating: 5/5 #2020 #bookoween

[beneaththetangles]

Light Novel Club Chapter 31: Bottom-Tier Character Tomozaki, Vol. 2

Welcome to our Light Novel Club discussion of Bottom-Tier Character Tomozaki, Vol. 2! We had a fun discussion of the first volume earlier, and with the anime adaptation giving this series some more attention, why not discuss the second volume? After all, this volume shakes up the story a bit and shows that there’s more to winning the game of life than just following along with a human player’s guide… Join TWWK, Jeskai Angel, and me as we challenge the next level of this light novel!

(Note: At the end of the post are the next light novels we will be discussing in the Light Novel Club. As a reminder, Light Novel Club discussions are held publicly on the Beneath the Tangles Discord, so anyone can join in on future discussions!)

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1. What are your overall impressions on the novel?

TWWK: I’ve watched the series but hadn’t read any of the light novels, so I took a leap by starting with volume two. The experience was quite different from the TV series, which made it feel almost new to me, despite the adaptation having followed the volume closely. I really enjoyed reading about the characters from Tomozaki’s point of view, as he himself is developed as a character with a pretty quick mind and more intelligent than I think he gives himself credit for. So it was a fun, brisk read for me.

stardf29: This was a really nice volume, mainly because it throws a wrench in the “Hinami teaches Tomozaki something about life, and he applies it” formula that the first volume had going. The whole student council election arc was great because not only does Tomozaki have to figure things out on his own, but his opponent is the very person that’s been teaching him the whole time! Using video game terms, it’s as if the first volume is the tutorial stage, and this is the first real level where the player is expected to play the game on his own. I’m also really liking how other characters are being developed, and in particular how Tomozaki and Mimimi associate with each other throughout all this. It expands what could have been a pretty one-note story concept into something more complex, and makes me all the more interested to keep going with it.

Jeskai Angel: It’s a strong continuation of the first volume. Coming back to read it again for this discussion, I also noticed that vol. 2 foreshadows good bit more than I realized during my first read. Finally, I know this is silly, but my inner historian just loved seeing JOHN ADAMS of all people come up in a Japanese novel. Kudos to the author for that historical reference.

TWWK: To be fair, I thought that was a tough question for a Japanese student. I mean…let’s be honest. How many Americans, even students at that age who might be taking U.S. History, would have answered “Jefferson” as the second president? But Mimimi’s point is still well taken.

Jeskai Angel: I mean, if we want to switch it around, maybe the equivalent question for Americans is “Who was the second shogun of the Tokugawa Period?” or something. LOL

2. What are your thoughts on the characters in this volume?

TWWK: As I mentioned earlier, the Tomozaki in this volume comes across very differently than in the anime. His voice is more humorous and sarcastic here. I once heard Jeskai say that he thinks better of him than my favorite, Hikigaya (Oregairu), because Tomozaki is trying to better himself, and I think that’s very clear from the reading, and together with the humor makes him a fun character. He does also come across as trying just as hard in the anime, but is more obviously awkward than in the book, I think—at least how I view him in my mind while reading. The gap between Tomozaki and a top-tier character feels far less surmountable in the TV series.

Likewise, I find Hinami more compelling in the book. I thought the author did a nice job of making her a character that I empathize with, even though she’s “perfect” in all ways except for her sometimes haughty attitude. That there’s some insecurity there and questioning, particularly when she asks Tomozaki if being so good at what she does is the proper approach, humanizes her.

Finally, Mimimi, who gets top girl treatment in this volume, presents a compelling case, too. It wasn’t at all enjoyable to see her struggle in this volume, particularly in the final chapter or two. It was painful, which I think speaks to an authenticity in the development of her character. It just be that, because I don’t think it’s painfully written (it’s quite well done, I think), not do I feel like I can closely relate to her, as I never worked terrifically hard to get ahead of those in front of me academically (though I was in a similar position as her). I think she’s just in a tough spot, one that can be understood, which made for interesting reading, particularly in light of her outside self.

Jeskai Angel: Kikuchi is awesome. My biggest complaint about pretty much every volume of Tomozaki is that Kikuchi doesn’t get enough screen time. And that’s not just because Tomozaki’s descriptions of her are so hilarious. She proves herself quite insightful this time around; even though she doesn’t personally hang out with Hinami and Mimimi all that much, she makes some incisive remarks about both. I thought Kikuchi’s question, “Why does she [Hinami] work so hard to be perfect?” was profound.

Speaking of Hinami, something is seriously off with her. With the benefit of hindsight, I realized this volume reveals or expands on a lot of troubling things about her. There’s a ton of ambiguity surrounding her. Why did she suddenly change so drastically in middle school? Why does she continue to be such a perfectionist? That kind of obsession isn’t healthy at all, and should raise questions about her mental health. Plus, how can she be so two-faced, is she training to become a Batman villain, and how real / sincere is she at any given moment? Then there’s the occasional downright creepy things she says, like that remark about persuading people as the path to become a cult leader. Some of her advice to Tomozaki is legit, but it takes an increasing amount of critical thinking to sift through her words.

Hinami plays a role in my favorite Tomozaki scene of this volume. Earlier, Tomozaki told Mimimi that being number one didn’t matter so much as continuing to improve and not losing to oneself. When he reports the situation to Hinami, she responds that there’s no way he could actually believe that. “…you’re the same as me in that respect, right? You must be, if you’ve gotten that far in Atafami.” And Tomozaki comes back “…What the hell? I genuinely think that. Atafami is a battle against myself.” His advice to Mimimi was good, but it gets even better when it turns out to reflect a fundamental difference between him and Hinami. Also, it’s not like he was trying trick her, but the fact remains that Hinami was WRONG about something: she misread Tomozaki’s motivation and project her own desire to be number one onto him. It’s an important moment in establishing how Tomozaki differs from Hinami.

Mimimi was the star of this volume. She turns out to be a lot more complex than the lovable goofball we met in the first volume. And we don’t just see this through her relationship with Tomozaki, but also her relationships with various other characters, like Hinami and Tama. I mentioned it earlier, but Mimimi in particular had some moments that I didn’t pay much attention to during my first read, but with the benefit of hindsight, seem like foreshadowing.

Something that struck me while reading this volume that I hadn’t really thought about before is how the five main girls in Tomozaki’s life contrast with each other. Izumi, Mimimi, and of course Hinami are outgoing normie girls, but Hinami is duplicitous, while Mimimi and Izumi seem far more genuine. And between Mimimi and Izumi, the former is more independent while the latter is more go-along-to-get-along (though she’s trying to change that). And then Kikuchi and Hanabi are both non-normie girls who don’t quite fit in, but where Tama is bold and outspoken, Kikuchi is quiet and introverted. I knew this stuff about these characters, but didn’t realize just how much each girls serves as mirror for one or more of the others.

stardf29: Tomozaki continues to grow in this volume, not just in how he “plays the game of life” but also how he works through some things on his own, particularly with when he was helping Mimimi with the student council election. And I really like the moment when he explained how his motivation for becoming the best in Atafami is more so he doesn’t lose to himself, and then how that creates a notable difference in his approach to gaming compared to Hinami.

And yes, I like how this volume makes us question the whole mentorship Hinami has over Tomozaki, particularly with how their approaches to “gaming” are ultimately different, but also how Hinami might have her own issues to deal with, as well as how there are things she can’t handle, like the whole situation with Mimimi. It’s part of what moves this story away from just being a “self-help” book and into a more complex story with various character motivations.

Mimimi is the “star” of the volume, and rightly so. She provides an interesting “Player 3” to the story, as her natural friendliness makes it easy for her to get along with Tomozaki, while also having her own history with Hinami and her own perspective towards competition. There’s a nice line of character development for her going through this volume, and I like how it’s neither Tomozaki or Hinami who ultimately helps her with her biggest insecurities; that would be “too easy” for either of them.

Overall, I really like how this series has been incorporating more of its side characters. Even the guys have a good presence here. I’m definitely looking forward to what role these other characters play in the story.

3. One of the themes of this volume is “losing”, and how different people feel about not being “first place”. What are your personal thoughts on how we should approach competition, particularly when we lose?

Jeskai Angel: I think we all take some competitions more seriously than others. The novel shows this with Hinami and Mimimi’s middle school teammates. Those girls just weren’t invested in basketball in the way that Hinami and MImimi were. That doesn’t necessarily mean those girls were all lazy losers who fail at everything in life because they never put forth effort. It just means that particular kind of competition wasn’t as much of a priority to them. A big factor in how seriously we take competition is the stakes. Is there a prize we care about? Alternatively, sometimes we feel our sense of self-worth is on the line in a competition. Of course, it’s not so much the case that our value as a person is on the line, but rather than our pride is what’s at stake.

This brings us to the Bible, with all its “The last shall be first,” and “The meek shall inherit the earth” messages. A consistent theme in the scriptures is that God’s idea of “winning” is different than ours, and God will overturn human expectations about who the “winners” are. The Bible promotes humility and discourages us from seeking the glory of men. Most of the winning we can do in this life just isn’t meaningful.

Now, that said, winning is a lot more fun than losing. It’s okay to wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. But “fun” and “the meaning of my existence” are very different kinds of stakes, and I think Hinami, and Mimimi to a lesser extent, have mixed them up. Mimimi felt kind of lost in this volume; she’s not competing for fun, but neither is she an ego-driven maniac on the level of Hinami. I think Hinami’s form of competitiveness is dangerous, while Tomozaki’s is more benign. Competing because it’s fun to win is much less serious that competing because we need to affirm our pride.

TWWK: Mimimi is a good example of how sport and competition can dictate your self-worth. And not just those, but anything in which we put forth energy and show talent and excellence. Jeskai points toward scripture, which is totally unique is showing that our self-worth is in the creator and his attributes, not in our own, which when lived out most fully can both help us excel in competition while lifting us up in our failures. I think that’s such an incredible and life-giving message, because my experience with some I’ve known in athletics mirrors Mimimi’s, and my own academic studies when I was younger mirrors hers, too—when we eventually fail, for we all will (look at Hinami in gaming), do we have a foundation to help us from bottoming out? If there was is a criticism I have for this excellent volume, it’s that Mimimi recovers almost unrealistically, or at least, without us being truly privy to what it is that leads to that change in her. I don’t think it’s so easy to step back up when you have such a reaction as hers to failure.

stardf29: Given how prevalent “competition” is in the world, there’s clearly something about wanting to beat others at something that is a part of human nature. One could argue it’s not inherently a bad thing, either, as there are plenty of stories where healthy competition encourages two people to both improve. This seems to be behind Tomozaki’s approach to games; he’s mainly focused on mastering the game he plays, and losing means he has more to learn and master. His statement that he mainly doesn’t want to lose to himself is a great statement: when he loses, it’s less about losing to the opponent and more about the realization that there’s still more to be done to master the game. This pursuit of getting better is the healthy side of competition, and if God designed us to seek competition as part of our nature, it would be for this reason.

Unfortunately, competition also has its ugly sides. With Mimimi, we see something more just misguided: the belief that she won’t mean anything unless she is in first place. It’s definitely an unhealthy attitude to have, but thankfully Tama snaps her out of it by making sure she knows she means something to her no matter what. It’s the kind of attitude that can easily come about if one grows up in an environment without unconditional love, and likewise one which God’s unconditional love can help a lot with.

And then with Hinami, we don’t know yet why exactly she’s so fixated on “winning”. Maybe she just likes the feeling of having asserted dominance over other people. That’s definitely a common source of unhealthy competition. She might also feel something similar to Mimimi, where she feels like her self-worth is based on successful competition. Whatever the case, it definitely seems like she’s unhealthily obsessed with winning.

4. Were there any particular bits of advice on life that you liked from this volume?

TWWK: The bit of advice that Aoi had given Mimimi when she wanted to help Tama become integrated in their class was simple but I think helpful in many real-life situations, too—it basically was to talk to her a little each day. I’ve been in Tama’s shoes before, and thanks to friendly and extroverted classmates, have been integrated better into classes and developed good friendships, something that was far from guaranteed due to my shy nature and the frequency with which I transferred between schools as a military brat. I’ve always been grateful for the Mimimi’s in my life, though thankfully, none have been so, uh, intimate with me.

5. If you watched the anime, what do you think about how the anime adapted this volume?

Jeskai Angel: I don’t recall any glaring oddities with the anime. As with many other anime adaptations of first-person-narrated light novels, the biggest difference is the lack of the protagonist’s inner monologue. This a journey-before-destination story. What Tomozaki ultimately says or does is less important that the thought process he uses to get there, and the anime just can’t convey that with the kind of depth we get in the book. More specifically, I think Tomozaki’s comments on the other characters are especially noteworthy. His impressions can reveal things (about himself, and about the other characters) that are much less obvious without that first-person narration.

TWWK: I mentioned it earlier, but what’s most obvious to me is the difference in Tomozaki’s. No, they’re not really developed differently, but the anime is heavily focused on “what we see,” the outsider’s view of Tomozaki, which is appropriately awkward and especially voiced as such. The light novel is almost the opposite, as we mostly experience his inner voice which is witty, humorous, and just as engaging (and usually more so) than that of the people he’s trying to emulate. It’s a nice contrast, actually—I enjoyed this source material more than the anime episodes, but appreciate the anime a bit more now as well, now that I can see a fuller picture of this character.

Christina Kelly, who voices Mimimi in the English dub, chatted with us about the character among others she’s voice.

stardf29: I like the point about the anime allowing us to see Tomozaki more from an outsider’s perspective. I’ve heard others make comments about how “cringe” Tomozaki sounds when they actually got to hear him with proper voice acting, and usage of somewhat-overused buzzwords aside, I think it’s a good reflection of how the anime makes it clear how socially awkward Tomozaki really is, which helps me appreciate his growth more. I do still prefer all the internal monologue we get with Tomozaki in the light novels, but I do like this part of the anime, at least.

Also, while not technically part of this volume, I should say, the anime really went out of its way with the portrayal of Atafami, with a whole bunch of characters designed for the anime that don’t even appear in the story. I like it when animators go just that extra little bit further for these adaptations.

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If you read through our discussion, I hope you liked it! As a reminder, our next Light Novel Club discussion is on The Faraway Paladin, Vol. 1! The discussion starts on June 25th, and will run through much of July, so there’s still plenty of time to read it and join our discussion!

The following light novel is none other than Tearmoon Empire, Vol. 4! Tearmoon Empire is basically the flagship light novel of the Light Novel Club at this point, and there’s a pretty good chance we will be discussing every volume of this series, so if you haven’t yet, why not start catching up with this series so you can join our discussion? You have a little bit of extra time, too, as our discussion will start on August 1st. Also, starting from this point, all Light Novel Club discussions will start on the 1st of the month, which should make it easy to know when these discussions start.

And why not reveal yet another light novel we will be discussing? After all, on September 1st, we will be discussing one of the most iconic and popular light novel series as we finally discuss Sword Art Online! …or rather, we will be discussing Sword Art Online: Progressive, Vol. 1! This is a re-take on the story starting from the Aincrad arc, going into more detail and overall considered an improved version of the story, so this is definitely going to be a great discussion for SAO fans.

If you are interested in discussing any of these series with us, join the Beneath the Tangles Discord and look for the Light Novel Club section. Happy reading!

#Light Novels #Bottom Tier Character Tomozaki #Jaku Chara Tomozaki kun #BtT Light Novel Club #Articles #Author: TWWK #Author: Jeskai Angel #Author: stardf29

[trillian-anders]

chambers - ii

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Violence, Angst

Word Count: 4429

Description: Post-Endgame. Steve Rogers has passed away from old age. The one remarkable thing is that no one knew his heart would be in the condition it was. He was able to save one more life. After receiving his heart, strange things start happening. Including something that would change your life forever. (Very loosely based on the Netflix series of the same name.)

Frequent colds, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, asthma, anxiety, prior suffering of scarlet fever and rheumatic fever, and a family history of stroke, diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. Thanks Dad. 

The enlistment office was cold. The plastic chair they had him in was sticking against the backs of his thin thighs. You’ve never been this thin in your entire life. Your breathing--Steve’s breathing--was fine for now, but you could feel a rattling beginning in your chest. Just trying to get through this enlistment examination and then we can go home, light a fire, and eat the last tin of beans. 

“Rogers.” The man examined you, took a deep sigh and stamped your papers. 4F. Denied. 

This was the first one, in Brooklyn. The war has just started. Steve was trying to jump into the wagon early, trying against all odds to get his feet on the ground overseas. Do what he can, just like Dad did in the War to End All Wars. It’s too bad the war didn’t live up to its name. These memories came to you as you sat in a similar situation.

You were in grey shorts and a matching t shirt, Avengers logo in black on each in a lab, waiting for the man you had an appointment with. You jokingly thought to yourself about what it would have been like to fight in a war, lay your life on the line for a good noble cause, and you had to remind yourself that you truly hoped those memories never came to surface. 

You swallowed roughly, shifting on the sterile paper beneath you, waiting. There was a two way mirror here, you remembered. As you looked at it you wondered who would be watching on the other side. Coming to see the freak who possesses the heart of Captain America. You hadn’t seen Sam or Bucky yet, thank god. Two hours ago a car showed up in front of your building and brought you to a jet bringing you to the compound, no sign of the super soldier or his winged friend in sight. You supposed you couldn’t blame them. This is a really strange situation to say the least. 

It also didn’t hurt that you knew them in a severely intimate way whereas you were a complete stranger to them. It was also strange that you missed them, terribly. Your heart ached for them. Steve’s heart ached for them. 

“Miss Y/L/N?” Two people entered the room, Bruce and Wanda. Your heart ached a little more. It was almost like reuniting with an old friend, you wonder if things will be the same, pick up right where you left off, the closeness you felt. But that’s Steve talking, not you. “I’m Bruce Banner and this is Wanda Maximoff,” the gentle giant offered with a soft smile, “but I’m sure you already knew that.” 

“It’s so strange,” You expressed, “Feeling like I know all of you so well, but being a complete stranger.” You laughed nervously and wrapped your arms around your middle, swinging your feet slightly as they hung off the edge of the examining table. 

“I couldn’t imagine honestly,” Bruce moved closest to you, Wanda opting to stay by the door. “Okay so first I’m going to take some blood if that’s okay with you?” He pulled a tray out from a medical drawer, setting it up beside you. 

“Of course,” You smiled softly. The trust in Bruce was intense. You knew Steve fought beside him. You have distinct memories from the Battle of New York, but more than that the nights of eating take out at the kitchen counter and listening to him babble about isolating samples of Caps blood to synthesize cures for disease, but also how he couldn’t imagine creating a world of super soldiers so the idea was nixed as soon as he spat it out. Bruce Banner had a good moral compass. He can be trusted. 

He quickly worked, wrapping a medical tourniquet onto your arm and finding a vein, filling six vials of blood. He bandaged you and removed the tourniquet just as quickly. 

“So you have these flashbacks right?” Bruce asked as he labeled the vials, “You have seizures during?”

“Not always, but it always involves some sort of passing out.” He nods, scribbling notes on his notepad. 

“And the agents in the alley?”

“No clue,” You admitted honestly. “My body,” Looking down at your hands, “It moved on its own, I had no control.” He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

“Okay, well today is going to be strictly medical, but I would like to talk to you about some of the tests we would like to run, if you consent to them.” It was hard. The decision seemed so easy. Let them test so that you can figure out what the hell is going on and hopefully put a stop to it, but also you’d been poked and prodded your whole life. 

You were born with the heart condition. You’ve literally been having surgeries since the day you were born. What if it never ends? What if they never find out why you and Steve are so connected? What if they do and you can’t keep the heart? 

“Whatever outcome, we will not put your life at risk.” This was the first time Wanda has spoken during this entire visit. Your eyes flicked over to hers. A maternal instinct bloomed in your chest. Steve had a fond love for her, when she was parted from Ultron and her brother died she had leaned hard into Clint, but when Clint retired, Steve took his place. Making sure she was okay, making sure she practiced wielding her powers, making sure she ate everyday. That same affection could be found in you now, your eyes teared at the thought. “We will figure this out and keep you alive, even if it means getting you a new heart.” 

It was what you needed to hear and she knew it. Part of her powers, but also she knew you would trust her. You nodded your head, looking back to Bruce. “Let's do it.” 

You knew this memory. You HATED this memory. 

Bucky Barnes. The handsome, charismatic, Bucky Barnes. James the dames would sigh as he nibbled their ears. He was screaming and there was nothing you could do to stop it. These videos you were obsessed with looking for clues. Where would he go? How could you find him? Sam was looking, but every day that Bucky was gone was a day his trail grew colder and colder. 

He was strapped into a metal chair, skin damp, ice still trapped in his hair. They had just woken him up, strapping him into the chair, electrodes coming to lay over his face and he fucking screamed. It was horrifying, why were you torturing yourself like this. You should have gone back to that ravine and retrieved his body. You weren’t even sure where he fell, but you should have searched that whole fucking mountain to find him. He would have for you. 

You let him down.

You fucking let him down. 

A gasp and you were awake. Damp with sweat you swung your legs over the side of your bed, panting. The guilt. So consuming. Your stomach churned and you quickly found your way to the bathroom, dropping to your knees in order to wretch into the toilet. Body shivering from the cold. You placed a hand over your now racing heart, crying against the porcelain. You missed Bucky.

You didn’t even know Bucky. 

Your heart was aching for him. Fuck. It had been a week since your initial visit with Bruce other than taking your blood and giving you a normal checkup not much else was done. He wanted to go easy on you, give you a little time to adjust and come to terms with your newfound anomaly. And for whatever reason right now you really wanted to run. Like… for stress relief. When has that thought ever crossed your mind? Who even were you? 

Oh right, Steve was a runner. You could remember him lapping Sam Wilson on multiple occasions as they took their morning runs together. Your body burned with energy and you checked the time, it was 5 am. You had closed the bar last night and didn’t get home until one. 

“Four hours of sleep.” You groaned. “Fucking great.” This itch wouldn’t give up so you dusted off your old gym shoes and strapped yourself into a sports bra, jacket, and sweats and you were out the door. 

Running. At 5 am. Who would have fucking thought. 

Old City was close, and you found yourself finding it. Not many cars out this early, but they’d grow in number to gridlock during rush hour. As you pounded the pavement, passing building after building, block after block you found yourself not even close to being out of breath, the energy not even close to being diminished. If you couldn’t get rid of this massive rush of energy you had been feeling then a mid morning nap was out of the question, and you had to be back at work at four. 

You picked up the pace, passing Independence Hall, running the museum mile, before running back towards the direction of your apartment. You were flying. You’ve never run so fast in your life. You were running faster than the cars were driving on the still mildly empty streets. This was wild. 

You weren’t a runner, but Steve Rogers was. It was almost like in the alley, where your body just sorta went and your brain followed. It was Steve’s body right now, you were just along for the ride. 

Your legs felt like jelly as you walked up the steps, adrenaline wearing off. You just barely made it inside your door before you collapsed on the ground in extreme pain. It felt like you tore every muscle in your legs, you let out a silent scream trying not to wake your neighbors, fumbling for your phone. You couldn’t move your legs. 

So you did the only thing you knew to do, you called Bruce. 

Since Steve’s death Bucky Barnes liked doing one thing and one thing only. Staying busy. Anything that crossed Fury’s desk, big or small, he wanted it and he would fight every other agent in the compound in order to get it. You need some simple recon on a businessman you think might have connections to old Hydra sympathizers? He’s on it. You need someone to go in a diffuse a bomb? He’s on it. You need someone to come get your cat out of a tree, please stop him on the side of the road. He’s begging you. 

It hurt bad enough when Steve said he was going to stay with Peggy. He resigned to the fact that his very selfless friend deserves to do a very selfish thing. He wanted Steve to be happy, and when you love someone you’ll let them be happy no matter the personal cost. But when Steve returned as an old man, and he had to physically watch him waste and die. That was probably something he could never forgive Steve for. He just couldn’t.

The coffee in his cup was basically water. The cheap motel Sam got them a room in was a fucking joke. Two single beds, a coffee maker from the 70s, and he didn’t even want to think about what was embedded in the shag carpet. Shit thing was they were leaving today, mission was over, recon was successful, information on a new budding cartel trafficking humans overseas was obtained. Procedure had them going back to report to Fury, getting a stat on how many people they should bring and what approach and then they’ll be back on the field. 

He can’t wait. 

Sam threw the now full duffel on the floor by the front door, turning to his friend. “I need a fucking break Bucky.” He groaned, stretching out his back. Bucky scoffed, 

“Then take a fucking break Sam.” He finished off his coffee, tossing the cup in the trash and picking up his own duffel. Sam looked at him wearily. 

“You need a break too.” Sam told Bucky as they left the motel room. The small plane they had taken over here sat for them 2 km into the woods behind this dingy motel, and that’s where they were headed, ready to take a quick flight home. 

“I don’t need a break,” Bucky protested, “I know when I need to take a break.” 

Sam looked at Bucky incredulously, “You literally got stabbed last week and hours later went back out on another mission. You’re taking a break.” Two duffels thrown into chairs on the plane, Bucky sitting himself in the pilot’s seat. A red, silver, and blue shield sat between them as Sam took his own seat in copilot. 

“I don’t need a break, not yet.” Sam rolled his eyes, beginning take off procedure. 

“You’re gonna have to deal with it sometime my man.” Bucky rolled his eyes at that, “Holding things in-”

“Don’t go all VA on me right now birdbrain.” Sam stared at Bucky a moment longer, trying to pick his next words out carefully. 

“Buck-” Saved by the bell. A phone ringing in Sam’s pocket. He pulled the cell out looking at Bruce’s name flashing across the screen. “Bruce? What’s-” Bucky stared him down, heart jumping at the prospect of flying somewhere else, anywhere but home. Sam quickly hung up, buckling his seat belt. “We gotta go to Philly, pick Y/N up.” Bucky’s heart dropped. He didn’t want that. 

“You’ve torn every muscle in your legs.”  Bruce plainly stated. You were currently in the cradle created by Helen Cho. “Just by running?” Your mouth opened and quickly shut again, shrugging. 

“Fast, I was running so fast.” Your eyes scanned the ceiling as you felt the machine slowly repairing the muscles of your legs. Bucky Barnes scoffed beside you, grunting when Sam elbowed him in his ribs. 

“Like-”

“Like….,” You looked over to Sam and Bucky before turning your eyes back to Bruce, “Steve fast.” Bruce stared at you a moment before looking away. He walked over to the large glass windows on the opposite side of the room. Not speaking. Thinking. 

“How is that possible? Muscle memory sure, but your body shouldn’t be able to move that way. Steve’s top speed is 60 mph.” You looked at him wide eyed. 

“Maybe that’s why her legs are shredded.” Bucky said with some humor. He was being a dick. Why was he being a dick? Sam glared at him. 

“Go file the report Buck, I’ll catch you up later.” Bucky turned to his friend with a glare, 

“Why do I have to-”

“I’ll catch you up later.” He said sternly. Bucky called it his Captain’s voice. Like the one Steve would use when he knew something you didn’t and you just needed to follow him. Into battle or just to leave the room. Bucky acquiesced, but not before casting one more glance at you in the cradle, hands clasped over your belly, looking at him with wet eyes. 

“So your body has this muscle memory of the activities Steve used to do,” Bruce began to pace. “Running and fighting-”

“Steve was really good at art too.” Sam offered. He took a seat in a chair by Bruce’s pacing, between you and the green giant. “That would be a safe activity to see if you’d be just as good.” You nodded in agreement. 

“But for the more dangerous activities, your mind seems to think you’re able to do them. So the real issue are instances like this, where your mind goes and your body follows no matter the cost.” Bruce was looking at you now, thinking about how to proceed next. 

“And this is a pretty high cost.” You said. Both men agreed.

…

The report was on Fury’s desk an hour later. Bucky’s hands gripping the leather chair across from him as his eye scanned the pages. “So what’s next?” Bucky asked. Like an addict asking for a fix. Fury studied him for a moment. “I can be ready to go back in with a task force in four hours, quick nap, time to clean my guns-”

“You’re suspended from missions until further notice.” Fury threw the folder onto his desk, waiting for the backlash. 

“What?” Bucky’s heart started racing. Fucking Sam. 

“Sam recommended it, but I was already going to suspend you until you can get your head on straight. I just needed a second person to sign off.” Bucky studied him for a moment. Trying to detect the lie. 

“I’m fine, I need to be back out on the field.” Bucky gestured to the window behind him where recruits were running drills. “Who else are you going to use?” 

“We have agents other than you Barnes.” He sounds tired, “You haven’t been out of the field since Steve died and we have an issue that came up that I know you don’t want anything to do with. It’s not good for you.” 

“So this is about her?” Bucky thought back to your wet eyes, he felt guilty for being such an ass. It just sorta came out without thinking. He had a hard time doing that when he was in front of you, thinking. 

When they went to pick you up, Sam hadn’t given him any warning in what they were about to walk into. They found you where you had fallen, sobbing in pain, body going into shock. He felt himself stunned. Your legs were black and blue, every inch of skin bruised. Sam yelled something at him he couldn’t hear and he watched Sam pick you up from the floor, clearly hearing the whimpering of pain you were steadily released from your body.  

His heart fell to the floor as your half lidded eyes met his, unfocused. 

It was terrifying. At first he felt some anger well up, who had done this to you? How did this happen? But when it was revealed that you had done it to yourself, that your muddled mind and heart caused you to run 60 mph into complete muscle destruction he found himself angry at you. It’s not her fault, he tried to remind himself, how could it be her fault?

He found himself, not for the first time, angry with Steve. It left him confused and broken. Steve on his deathbed. In a hospital, doctors ready to take his heart as soon as he took his last breath. It was planned. Steve had been in the hospital for a month before he died, no one knew why he was getting EKG’s almost daily and why he was moved so closely to the operating wing. He didn’t tell anyone. He was leaving his heart to her. Without even knowing her. What a good fucking guy. Bucky hated him for it. Barely getting to mourn before they carted him out into the OR to cut him open and shift his bloody, healthy heart into a woman who had a weak and dying one. 

It was hard. This was hard. 

“This is about you Barnes.” Fury leaned over his desk, folding his hands in front of him. “You continue doing this and you’ll be liable for a mistake. We can’t afford mistakes. Not when we are finally gaining ground back. You’re suspended from field work effective immediately, if you want to make yourself useful around here train some recruits, organize some files, or maybe help Bruce in the lab. His hands are pretty full.” With that he was dismissed. Fists meeting a punching bag not soon after. 

“What am I going to do?” You cried softly. “I can’t keep my job if I have to take a month off.” Bruce looked up at her from his microscope, the cradle still working on the muscles in her legs. 

“You’re on your feet for 12 hours a day,” Bruce explained, “You’re basically getting a new pair of legs right now, you’re gonna have to take it easy for a while.” 

“I’m sure we can pick up your bills.” Sam offered, “If that’s what you’re worried about.” You shake your head, hands coming up to wipe the tears from your eyes. 

“I won’t have a job to go back to,” You explained, “They’ll replace me.” Sam sighed and put down the Sudoku book he had been working on. 

“I’m saying this because it’s what Steve would have wanted Y/N.” He looked at you, but you couldn’t meet his eyes. “We will do whatever it takes to make sure you are taken care of.” You knew Sam was a good guy. You knew he worked at the VA not because he needed the money but because he genuinely cared about the people there. And you knew he helped Steve when the whole world was against him. Twice. 

“I don’t want you to feel-” you started, being cut off by Bruce,

“This is not an obligation. We want to help you, all of us do.” Bruce offered, “Not just because it’s what Steve would have wanted but also because this is a terrifying situation and we want you to be able to live a long, healthy life with or without these life altering issues.” He stood from his chair, bringing papers over and adjusting his glasses. “You’ll need to rest. For a while. I’m still examining your blood and tomorrow I’d like to get a look at your heart for myself, would that be okay?” 

You sighed heavily before replying, “Yeah, that would be okay.” 

Your legs were still sore, even after spending 12 hours in the cradle. You weren’t able to walk yet. Wanda was kind enough to help you use the restroom and helped you into the room they were going to have you staying in temporarily. “Do you want to make a list of items and their locations in your apartment you’d like me to bring here?” She asked. 

“Am I not going home?” She turned to look at you like she was caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to. 

“Well…” She had given you half chicken, 2 sweet potatoes, and  a bowl broccoli with a large pat of butter. Bruce said you needed nutrients and a lot of them. “We can’t risk you doing something to your body that we won't be able to repair. Just until the testing is done. I’m sorry.” She played with the ends of her hair. “I thought they already told you. I’m sure they’re going to ask you tomorrow.” You sighed, rubbing the scar on your chest gently before looking up at Wanda.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” You were starving. “I understand.” She gave you a soft look you couldn’t really read before turning the tv on, working with you to find something to watch as you ate your dinner. You were the hungriest you’d ever been in your life. While in the cradle you were given snacks, but it was hard to eat completely laying down. The work your body was put through by the cradle repairing your muscles caused a major calorie deficit, and the fatigue you’ve been feeling all day was the price you’d been paying. 

You almost choked halfway through eating, looking up from your plate to the television screen and seeing Steve Rogers staring back at you. He looked so real, the young Captain America, the person he was before the battle for the infinity stones. The Steve Rogers he was on every poster and war movie. What is happening?

Wanda’s hand began to pat your back as you tried to clear your airways, “Breathe, c’mon breathe.”

“Breathe, c’mon breathe.” Bucky’s hand was hard against your back, you couldn’t get air. “C’mon pal, that’s it.” It was a wet feeling in your throat, coughing the lard wad of mucus into the handkerchief held in Bucky’s palm. Gasping for breath Bucky was quick to toss the soiled napkin to the side, bringing your inhaler up to your mouth, thin weak hands coming up to grasp it as you inhaled the medicine, feeling your lungs expand and relax. “You okay?”

You could feel a rattle still in your chest. “Yeah I’m fine.” Steve was sick, which wasn’t anything new. You could feel the embarrassment. 

“I hate you being here alone.” Bucky stood from his chair next to the bed, getting up to turn the radio down a few decibels. “You could come move in with us? Ma loves you.” You could feel yourself shake your head. 

“I’ve lived in this apartment my whole life Buck.” 

“Then I’ll move in here! You can move into your Ma’s room and I’ll take your old room Stevie.” You sighed, resting your back against the pillows Bucky had so carefully propped against your back. “You won’t be able to afford this place forever doing sketches for funnies. You’ve barely got any food in the icebox.” 

“If you want to move in here Buck I’m not against it, but I’m staying right where I am.” Bucky nodded, hands on his hips turning to face his frail friend. 

“I make enough money at the canary that we should be just fine here Stevie.” This was a year before Bucky was sent off for war. A year and a half before Steve became Captain America. You wondered if either of them could sense what was coming. 

The piece of chicken that had been lodged in your throat was soon popped out and floated midair with a red energy surrounding it. Wanda had pulled it from your throat. Steve was gone. 

“Are you okay?” She asked, worry evident in her voice. 

“Yeah,” you nodded, losing your appetite. “I think I should go to bed.” You pushed the tray away from you and leaned back against your pillows. In that moment you could feel the Steve. Like a layer on top of your own body. His frail one, shivering with a chill he couldn’t shake, lungs rattling, weak. 

“If you need anything at all just alert FRIDAY.” You nodded, ignoring her worried eyes as she left the room. You needed to sleep.

You were exhausted and this day felt three days long. You just needed to sleep. So far away from everything that was going on here. And you were praying against all odds that Steve wouldn’t follow you there either. 

Those prayers went unanswered. 

.

.

.

@albinotigerpython​ @nutellakirb​ @witch-of-letters​ @torntaltos​

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #sebastian stan

[staylovehearts]

Enough?

Lee Felix x Reader

Word Count ~3.9 k

Summary: You never wanted Felix to find out that the fans he loves so much can be so cruel.

Tags: angst, hate comments, self-doubts, Felix is an idol in this one, and you’re like his not so secret girlfriend, the company is chill but the fans aren’t, mentions of other stray kids members

It's a simple routine. As you unlock your phone you immediately swipe away about twenty different notifications from different social media accounts without even looking at them. You are not even sure why you even still bother with an Instagram and all of that. Maybe you should just go private again. Or delete everything. But that would feel like defeat. Like giving up. So instead you just try to not look at the mean words people are spouting at you on the daily. When it first started you still tried to report every single comment. Blocked every person who insulted you. But once the comments became too many to count you gave up on that as well.

But it's fine. Ignore them all. Swipe it away. Don't look at it. Focus on the nice comments. The people that spammed flame emojis under your recent Instagram selfie. The ones leaving nice comments and replies. Or at least those, that seem neutral. The ones that like to joke around or post memes. Damn, even the people that drop Loona fancams under your tweets are bearable.

But you can ignore them all for the sake of the one message that you actually want to read.

cuddly coala boy: are you going to be watching me later tonight?? i hope you're not mad that i had to cancel our skype date because of this :((

The text came at exactly 4:35 in the morning. Well, 4:35 in the morning in your timezone. That means for him it must have been... wait, what's the time difference again? Where even is he right now? You are too lazy to actually look up timezones right now to properly calculate the difference, but you decide to assume that it was a reasonable time. Well, at least you hope it was fairly reasonable. With the way his schedule works it's not unusual for him to send you messy texts full of typos past midnight when he is exhausted from a day of dance practice and vocal training and he just fell into bed after a quick shower and decided to send you a short text, already half asleep. It's also not rare for him to text you early in the morning. When he is on his way to his first schedule of the day. Early in the morning, but already buzzing with energy and excitement. Sometimes he'd send pictures of his breakfast and gush about the organic canteen. In summer he sent you a picture of the sunrise almost every morning. Because in summer the sun rises so early, that most people sleep through this daily spectacle of nature. But those that are woken up at five in the morning – even earlier on some days – never miss out on a sunrise. And you get to see those pictures of the sunrise in a different country, mostly after you've already missed the sunrise in your own location. Most of the pictures weren't even that special, some of them even too blurry to make out more than washed-out colours and the rough outlines of buildings. On some mornings the sky was too cloudy to show more than a lighter stripe of colour beneath a layer of grey and blue. But even on those days, Felix made it a point to show you the sunrise. And you have all of those pictures saved. Because you are just so goddamn whipped for this sunshine of a boy who sends you pictures of the actual sun every morning alongside a happy good morning text.

I'm not mad at all!! I know that work comes first, I'm sure we'll be able to make up for that skype date, have fun later, I might join when I have the time, but you know how the vlive times sometimes don't work with the timezones :/

It takes you a good fifteen minutes or so until you have finally typed up a reply that you are actually confident sending. You don't want to show that you are actually upset. You don't want to make him feel bad for having to cancel your plans. But it's probably obvious that you feel a little bitter about this. You were understanding the first few times this happened. And of course, you are still understanding. You knew that things would probably be like this. But it's becoming harder to hide your disappointment with every skype call that has to be moved to a different date. Every delayed reply. Every day that passes with just a few short messages being sent back and forth during water breaks.

But you know what you signed up for when you not only agreed on trying this long distance relationship, but trying it with an idol on top of the insane timezone difference.

Seeing the friendly kid you used to go to school with on television was already a weird experience. But finding out that he had become a K-Pop star felt like some kind of fever dream. To be completely honest you didn't even know what K-Pop was until you heard Felix – and his bandmate Chan – talk about it on national television. Your mother had called you downstairs in a frenzy to make you watch the special report. When you got there she was pointing at the screen excitedly, asking you over and over look, look, isn't this a boy you used to go to school with? Did you know that he's famous in Korea now? Isn't this crazy? You could certainly agree with her on that last question. To make a long story short, you spent pretty much the rest of that day – and most of the following week – researching every available bit of information about this K-Pop thing and the group your school friend was now part of. You listened to and downloaded their entire discography within one day. Watched every music video and memorised the member's faces within hours. And in the following days, you went through every vlive video and any other content you could find. Saying you were hooked would have been an understatement.

The thought of reaching out to Felix hadn't crossed your mind until maybe two weeks into your newly discovered obsession. It was a suggestion by a friend who you had a couple of courses together with. She had brought the idea up completely nonchalantly as if just hitting up a celebrity is a thing you do every other day. When you expressed that sentiment she just shrugged as if to say dunno, but weren't you friends with him?

Well, she wasn't really wrong about that. But she also wasn't really right. Sure, Felix and you went to school together. You had classes together for three years and you saw him pretty much every other day. But you were never super close to him. Felix was just that kind of person that everyone was on good terms with. He'd sit down at a different table at lunch every day, nerds and jocks were equally welcoming of him. Everyone likes having Felix around, but he wasn't insanely popular either. If someone would have asked about Felix the most common answer would have been something along the lines ah yeah, that guy, he's really nice, we don't really hang out outside of school though. That was just the kind of relationship almost everyone had with him, the kid you'd do group projects or share a lunch table with but not necessarily your first pick when you wanted to put together a group for karaoke that weekend. So Felix and you weren't really friends. You remember being in a group project with him once and for maybe a month or so he even was your lab partner until the seats were switched but that's pretty much it. Maybe you had a bit of a fleeting crush on him back then. Most girls had. The freckles dusting his cheeks and the big brown eyes gave him something adorable and his sunny personality matched that all too well. But back then as well you never considered acting on those feelings and years later you had almost completely forgotten about them altogether.

Tracking him down was hard, but easier than you thought it would be. Of course, the old phone number you managed to find in some inactive group chat didn't work anymore. And any social media you ever knew he had was deactivated. But somehow – through a friend of a friend of an acquaintance – you managed to get in contact with him again. And you immediately remembered what you had liked about Felix back then. Talking to him was as easy as ever. Somehow texting him didn't feel like talking to a celebrity, but just casually catching up with an old friend from school. Texting every once in a while turned into chatting almost daily. Then the phone calls started. Late-night rambling, one of you always tired from the time zone difference. The first face time call was an accident – at least that's what Felix told you – but the second wasn't. And neither was the twentieth. You've lost count at this point.

The status of your relationship with Felix has been a mystery to you for the longest time. It was clear to you that that little fleeting crush you used to have had come back at ten times the intensity and you were pretty sure that Felix must at least enjoy talking to you enough to stay up way past the time where he should go to sleep at. But even with mutual feelings, there were more than enough stones in your way. Him being a celebrity and the several hour time difference plus living in different countries are probably some of the most obvious trials.

Let's just say it worked... somehow. Is still working. Even if it's tough sometimes. You've seen Felix a total of three times since making it official and all of these were just for a couple of days at most. There's always schedules he has to attend, filming to be done. Your schedules don't match up at all, he has so little free time that you have no other choice than to arrange yourself around it. Make amends. Compromise.

That's not really the problem here. The official part of the whole making it official is actually the root of all evil. Surprisingly enough Felix's company actually allowed him to make an official statement regarding his relationship status and confirming that he was indeed seeing someone. Of course, you were never mentioned by name. But someone somewhere must have taken a picture of you and him meeting up that one time. And someone else must have somehow identified you on that picture and shared your Instagram. And twitter. And pretty much any other public social media you had at that point. All of that within an hour of the announcement being made. You never openly confirmed or denied any "rumours" - or maybe accusations is the more fitting term here – about you and Felix dating. But you didn't have to. They knew enough to hate you for "stealing" him away from them. Of course, not all of them hate you. Some are actually supportive of the relationship. Though that's definitely only because they support Felix and want to see him happy, not because anyone really cares about your hurt feelings here. Then there's also a couple of fans that just ignore the whole thing entirely. According to them, it's all just rumours and there is no way that Felix is actually seeing someone. Don't you know he's a sweet gay baby, uwu? He's actually dating [insert whoever they ship him with here]. At least these comments can be kind of entertaining to read. Sometimes. You've scrolled past entire think pieces and page-long analysis of the smallest interactions turned into super definite proof that there is more going on between those two band members behind the scenes. They are delusional, but at least they are mostly harmless.

And then there are people who just straight-up hate you. And maybe that group is not actually as big as it seems but they are loud. So goddamn loud. And they are mean. You have switched accounts, gone private, deleted and remade. Everything in a desperate attempt to hide from the comments. But they always find you somehow. There is no escape.

A new notification pops up on your phone, you try not to look at it as you delete it but you catch enough of a glimpse to get the gist of it.

You're not good enough... you don't deserve to be with him... you should just do him a favour and break up, he's probably just to nice to do it himself.

It's always the same, you've read it hundreds of times, in every possible phrasing and variation. The bad thing though, you're starting to believe that they might actually be right.

The vlive is happening around noon in your time, which is at least kind of reasonable compared to other times that you have set an alarm to watch some kind of stream or award show or anything similar. You actually don't really want to watch, at least not for your own entertainment. Watching these things for yourself has kind of stopped working after... well yeah, after all that's going on. But you know that Felix would be happy, knowing that you are watching him. So maybe you'll tune in for a bit during your lunch break. Just long enough to take a screenshot and send it to him alongside a short text telling him that you are watching the live and that you really aren't mad. You aren't mad. Just scared.

You click the notification as soon as it appears on your phone. One of the few notifications you are actually happy to receive. The app takes a moment to load and by the time the stream is actually playing it's already flooded with viewers. But the picture is not moving. Or at least the three boys in the frame aren't moving. But you notice something in the background, maybe some kind of curtain, being moved by a breeze. Still, the trio keeps up their game for another few seconds until they all break out into wide grins and start talking. Felix is sitting in the middle, wedged in between Jisung and Hyunjin. The three of them are sitting behind a table that has various playthings scattered on the polished hardwood surface. You spot a box filled with Jenga pieces, next to a card game and a rubik’s cube. You take a couple of screenshots and tap out to send one of them to Felix, of course he won't see it right now but you want to prove that you were actually watching live. When you open the stream again they are already building up the Jenga tower while joking around with each other. Even though you didn't plan to stick around you watch them play games and talk for a while. It's nice. You can almost imagine yourself sitting in a room with them, laughing, cracking jokes and enjoying yourself. You can almost imagine being this close to Felix. Both physically close enough to be in a room with him as well as close enough for him to introduce you to his friends and be allowed to hang out with the group. It's almost in your reach. Almost perfect. Almost.

Felix is messing with the rubik’s cube, trying to solve it after he has insisted for minutes that he knows how it's done, Hyunjin is stopping the time on his phone while Jisung is going through the comments. You yourself haven't dared to take a look at them yet. Even here you aren't save. Most of the time they are flying by so fast that you can't even finish reading one before the next one jumps into vision.

Where is-

can you say hi to-

omg i-

notice me ple-

Most of it is short comments like this, some are just emojis (mostly every different kind of heart there is), wild key smashing and a plethora of "i love you"s in different languages. But some stick out. Some are different. The username is the first thing you notice about that one specific comment.

felix's_girlfriend

When you first made your account you thought about claiming that name for yourself. Just as a joke. But it was already taken. And so was felix's_wife, ilovefelix, freckleslover or any other possibility you could think of. Even when you started adding numbers to the names you couldn't get them. There are at least fifteen people using some variation on Felix's girlfriend as their username. You stopped trying after that.

Jisung probably spots the comment about at the same time as you did.

"Yo, someone with the username felix's_girlfriend just asked when you will finally do a dance cover of the latest Twice song", he says. Or at least something along the lines. You practised Korean to be able to at least get the gist of what's going on when they are talking, but you can't always understand everything. But you sure do understand the way Felix's head just whips up. Like that of a puppy delighted to see its owner coming back home.

"She's watching?", he asks. This time you understand clearly. Jisung looks back at him for a moment, a mixture of shock and surprise on his face. Felix isn't supposed to talk about you. Not here.

"It's just that person's username", he answers, after a moment of silence. Felix's bright smile drops for a moment, but then he nods his head and laughs as if someone just made an amazing joke. The boys continue talking about the Twice comeback and other promotions that are currently going on as if nothing happened. Hyunjin rambles about Got7 while Jisung jokes about how Seungmin is probably really excited about Day6. But the people in the comments are not willing to let go of what happened quite as easily.

I hope that bitch just disappears someone writes. Felix should break up with her, she's not good enough. You can't pretend to not notice it any longer. And maybe the boys noticed too, at least they don't read out any other comments after that one. But you don't really stick around for that long after. You are clearly not welcome here.

The thing is, that you never wanted to drag Felix into this mess. Of course, he is already a part of it, but you didn't want to let him see all of the ugly things that they are saying about you two. Well, in the end it's mostly you they are mad at. Some fans have commented that they are mad or disappointed that Felix would date someone, but they don't say the same things about him that they say about you. And you're glad. You wouldn't wish this on anyone. Especially not Felix, who is always so bright and full of love for his fans. You know that he loves that. He's said it numerous times. And even when he doesn't say it with words, it's obvious. He says it with the way he always smiles and waves at the camera, with all that he pours into performances, with the energy and passion he gives. He loves them.

Felix has never said the l-word to you.

Your phone rings about three hours later. You are hesitant to pick up when you see his name light up on the screen, but you don't want to lead him to believe that you are mad at him or anything.

"Hey there, why are you calling? Isn't it the middle of the night where you are?" You try to make your voice sound cheerful. Like you are a little surprised that he is calling you at that time but all in all happy that he is calling you. Confused, but a pleasant kind of surprise. You're probably not all that convincing, but maybe it's enough since this is just a phone call. Not even video this time.

"Ah, I just wanted to check in on you", Felix replies. His voice sounds a little bit drowsy. A soft kind of deep rumble. Bedroom voice, but not the sexy kind. The soft I'm about to curl up and fall asleep voice. You've heard that before, fell asleep to that soft voice talking to you over the phone. For a moment you almost crack. You can feel the tears welling up in your eyes, but you blink them away quickly.

"Oh, I'm fine, just got back home a while ago, going to make myself some food soon. How was your day, did that live go well?"

"Hmm, did you watch it?"

"Oh, just for a bit. I was... busy." Somehow you feel guilty saying it like that. Sure, you did only watch maybe about half of it. You told him in advance that you probably wouldn't watch the whole thing. But you have a feeling that there is a reason he is asking. And you are purposely avoiding it. Felix stays silent for a moment, maybe hesitant to bring it up himself. And for a moment you hope that he just won't. That you can both pretend that everything is alright and just joke around like usual. When he finally does speak his voice sounds so sad.

"There were some... not so nice comments about you. Did you see them?"

You consider lying but you don't see the point in it. He probably knows that you have seen them.

"Yeah."

"Do they often say things like that to you?"

"... yeah."

"That's... awful. I'm so sorry."

You take a deep breath. You really never wanted him to find out about how cruel the fans he loves so much can really get. Of course he knew that not everyone approved of him having a relationship and of course he's seen some of the gossip articles that the tabloids write about you. But what the fans say behind the protection of anonymity is so much worse than that.

"It's not your fault", you mutter finally. You can hear Felix take a deep breath as well.

"You don't- you don't believe what they say, do you? You know that I would never break up with you just like that. You are enough. More than I could ever ask for."

You aggressively blink your eyes a couple of times and tilt back your head. You don't want to cry. It always becomes obvious in your voice when you start crying and you really don't want to worry him any more.

"I know, but it's nice to hear. Thank you."

There's noises in the background. Some loud clatter, like dishes falling over and then several voices talking over each other. You haven't thought about it yet but Felix must be calling you from the dorm. There is the sound of a door being opened, a little noise of surprise and then it's being shut close again. Probably someone looking for Felix.

"You should probably hang up soon", you mumble. Not because you want him to, but because you know that the longer this goes on the harder it will be for you to not burst into tears.

"I guess. I'll call you again tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, I'd like that very much."

"Great then... good night."

"Goodnight."

"Hey, (y/n), I love you."

"I love you too, Felix."

#stray kids #stray kids writing #stray kids imagine #stray kids scenario #lee felix #felix #lee felix x reader #felix x reader #lee felix fluff #lee felix fanfic #lee felix imagine #lee felix scenario #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst

[blurglesmurfklaine]

Cornelia Street (9/9)

A/N: oh my god they were quarantined

yes. It’s one of those fics.

AU, obvs

I’m posting as I go and idk how many parts this is going to be, likely won’t be very long but I literally don’t know what I’m doing and should i be starting yet another WIP? definitely not but fuck it lets fucking go

Title is from T-swizzles Lover album, I’m OBSESSED

Summary: Three years ago, Kurt and Blaine went on a disaster of a date and never quite got off on the right foot. Now, just before they graduate from NYADA, there’s a national outbreak and they’re both self-quarantined in a mutual friend’s apartment.

Final A/N: What’s up y’all, here it is, the ~thrilling~ conclusion to this little fic. (hah, it only took a month for me to crank out this compost huh? lol) Just wanna say I appreciate all your comments and reblogs and support and this has been super fun! Stay safe everyone :)

Read On AO3

On Tumblr: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8

Part 9

“Alright,” Kurt says, fluffing his hair dry with his towel as he walks out of the bathroom. “I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I think we should try our luck and venture into the realm of horror movies. I’ve heard Annabelle: Creation is really good but I never—”

His gaze falls on the empty bed and the bottom of his stomach drops out beneath him.

“Blaine?” he calls out cautiously, as if speaking too loudly and breaking the stillness hanging in the air will jinx it all. Like if he stays quiet enough, doesn’t quite let himself believe what he suspects, then Blaine will just walk through those doors.

After a moment frozen, he runs to the kitchen/living room area because Blaine is probably there, lying down underneath the fort they made, or maybe he went back for some of that ice cream, or maybe he’s just looking for another board game but he can’t be gone.

Not when Kurt just found him. Not when they just found each other.

Blaine’s not there, and Kurt scrambles for his phone and god dammit he’s never quite sure where he leaves it, and it’s times like these, when it matters, that he knows he needs to break that bad habit.

He finally finds it, and relief momentarily floods his system. He doesn’t know why the hell Blaine left, but he dials his number, anxious to find out.

*

Blaine’s almost to the tunnel when his phone starts ringing, connected to his car’s Bluetooth.

“Incoming call from Kurt Hummel,” the automated voice says.

Dread knots up in his stomach, and he’s not sure if he wants to have this conversation, but… he can’t snuff out the last bit of hope telling him that maybe Kurt is calling for a good reason.

With a slow breath, he hits the answer button.

“Hey,” Kurt’s voice immediately says, sounding like he’s trying too hard to keep his voice bright and perky. “Um. Where'd you go?”

“I… took off.”

“Oh,” it sounds almost like a question. “Where… uh, where are you going?”

“I’m going to wait out this quarantine thing with Quinn, over in New Haven. She’s got a house she’s renting until she graduates…”

“Can I ask why?” Kurt asks, and Blaine can tell he’s trying to be gentle, trying to stay calm and not panic.

After a moment of silence, Blaine answers. “I can’t… I can’t do this,” he admits.

Kurt’s voice is tight on the other end. “Can’t do what?”

“I can’t be this invested in someone who’s wishing they were with someone else.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw Adam’s messages to you. I wasn’t going through your phone or anything, but it lit up and they were there and it sucked, okay? I like you, Kurt… I like you too much to be a rebound. Because I know what I feel—what I feel is real.”

“Oh my god, no.” Kurt cries desperately. “Those aren’t—it’s not what it looks like at all. You’re not a rebound, Blaine. God, I’m going to sound so stupid… because… because not even a week ago we hated each other and… you’re going to think I’m crazy.”

The anticipation builds, buzzing just underneath Blaine’s skin. “Try me.”

Kurt swallows. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Blaine feels his heart stop in his chest, like someone just slammed on his breaks. He hears Kurt sob on the other end and he knows—he knows how hard it is for him to admit something like that.

“Christ, three years and I never—never, Blaine—felt as much or as deeply as I did in these past few days with you. And we haven’t even really been doing much of anything, so I know I’m not getting swept up in a grand gesture or something superficial or just the idea of a relationship. I don’t need dinner and a show, or ice skating and hot chocolate, or a night out on the town. I just need you.

“And whatever Adam might think—whatever he said in those messages, means nothing to me. Not compared to you. You can go to Quinn’s if you want, but… but I would really love it if you came back to Cornelia street…”

Blaine doesn’t say anything, he’s busy processing everything Kurt just told him. Each word had silenced every fear he ever had that Kurt wasn’t as invested in this as he was. Now, he was just left with all this emotion, bursting inside him like fireworks but coming out through his eyes as tears because this… this was happening.

“Please, say something, Blaine,” Kurt’s shaking voice pleads.

He’s suddenly reminded, in the midst of all this emotion, that he has to actually respond. “I don’t think you’re crazy,” he says. The first thing that comes to his mind. “I feel the same…”

He hears the smallest of gasps on the other end—a sign of relief, or maybe gratitude.

Then, Blaine says, “I’m turning around.”

He hears a watery laugh on the other end of the line. “You know,” Kurt says. “When this whole quarantine thing is over, we should really go on a proper date.”

*

Epilogue

“Sam is gonna lose it.”

“I know.”

“He’s going to rub it in my face for years to come.”

“Probably. But it’s been weeks, Blaine! I want people to know we’re together. Particularly that one overly friendly guy on Facebook who has a lighthouse as his profile pic.”

“He’s just a harmless flirt. He’s like that with everybody.”

“Yeah, well I’d appreciate it if he wasn’t like that with the guy I love… What? Why are you looking at me like th—mmph!”

“...”

“… not that I’m complaining, but what , might I ask, brought that on?”

“I love you, too, Kurt.”

“Oh… oh! I… I did say that, didn't I? I hope you know I meant it, too.”

“I do… Why don’t we go log on now?”

“Yeah, let's do that… and then maybe watch another cheesy Netflix original?”

“That sounds perfect.”

“Sam really is gonna lose his mind.”

*

Kurt Hummel updated his relationship status

Blaine Anderson updated his relationship status

When Mercedes gets the notifications on her phone, the sound of Sam yelling, “Baaaaaaaaaaabe!!” at the top of his lungs doesn’t exactly come as a surprise.

She does startle, though, when he comes sprinting back into the bedroom and leaps into the bed like an over excited golden retriever, draping his torso over hers.

“Did you see!?”

She can’t help but smile at his excitement. “I saw.”

He presses a quick kiss against her lips. “Are you gonna say it now?”

She rolls her eyes, but a deal is a deal.

“Sam Evans is a Meet-Cute Mastermind.”

#klaine #glee #wow look at me im writing! #kurt hummel #blaine anderson #cornelia street #klaine fanfiction #bye yall

[keichanz]

This Is Halloween

IT IS DONE. FINISHED. FINITO. COMPLETE. AND I AM SO

FUCKING

HAPPY YOU HAVE NOOOO IDEA.

moving on, i had a lot of fun writing this, and i had no idea so many people would enjoy the idea of writing little blurbs of the modern life of Inukag and their kiddos. also i’m surprised some people ship Izayoi and Raiden as hard as i do anD I’M SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY ABOUT THAT THEY ARE MY BABIES AND I LOVE THEM I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY  

if some of you recognize the first half of this chapter and feel like you’ve read it before, it’s because you probably have. i posted the first half last year on Halloween and titled it “Haunted House” despite having not finished the series. I was originally going to just keep it as is, but then decided it wouldn’t be fair and anyway i wanted a proper ended for Izayoi and Rai, so i added onto it. i’m happy with how it turned out, despite it being a tad rushed because i just wanted this damn thing finished already lol.

anyway, thank you all for joining me on this adventure and for leaving all of your comments and reviews! i promise you i read all of your tags and reblogs and it truly does my heart good to know so many people enjoyed reading this story as much as i enjoyed writing it. ^_^

that’s enough rambling; ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, i present to you the last chapter of my series...

Spooktober Day 31: This Is Halloween 

Kagome had no idea what time it was when she turned over in bed with a grunt, her forehead scrunching into an irritated frown as she shifted into a more comfortable position then settled with a quiet sigh. Beside her Inuyasha sighed in his sleep and rolled up against her, his arm a pleasant warmth as it draped over her waist and he tucked his nose against the nape of her neck before going still once more.

She had no idea what had woken her up in the first place; snugly warm under the covers and cuddled against her husband quite nicely, Kagome should have been able to go back to sleep no problem but for some reason her mind was alert, refusing to give into the slumber creeping in on the edges, taunting her with sweet oblivion. The darkness of the room, Inuyasha’s steady breathing and the movement of his chest against her back should have been enough to lull her back to sleep, but for some reason her body would not give into her mind’s silent demands. It was as if her mind was subconsciously aware of something that her body was not and as such it would not be coaxed into that state of blessed ignorance.

Her frown deepened and she huffed quietly in annoyance; responding to her distress, even in his sleep, Inuyasha’s chest erupted with a soothing rumble and he maneuvered his arm beneath the blanket to reclaim its spot over her side and then press his hand against her bare belly. The familiar gesture sent warmth skittering across her skin and despite herself a fleeing, sleepy smile flickered at Kagome’s lips. It was one of his favorite things to do now that she was pregnant again and it didn’t surprise her at all that even in sleep he did it.

She went absolutely still, simply absorbing the feel of him against her, concentrating on his warmth, the sound of his even breathing, the pleasant roughness of his leg and chest hair against the smoothness of her skin, hoping to distract herself with the pleasing physical sensations enough to nod off again.

But no such luck; though she could feel the sleepiness pulling at the edges of her mind, it stubbornly refused to give in and Kagome’s frown returned, this time with a frustrated pout. Abruptly deciding she might as well see what time it was to gauge how much sleep she’d gotten thus far - and how much more she could sneak in - Kagome wrinkled her nose and cracked her eyes open just enough to peer at the blurry numbers on her alarm clock–

And screamed.

Inuyasha jolted awake with a startled gasp, shooting up in bed and blinking rapidly in order to clear his hazy vision as his mind struggled to come back online after very suddenly getting thrust into awareness.

“Huh–what–Kagome? What’s—?” Rubbing his eyes and shaking his head, Inuyasha turned his attention to his wife and found her sitting up in bed, clutching the blanket to her bare chest and staring wide-eyed at–

“Jesus! Fucking hell—!” Flailing in surprise, Inuyasha jerked back against the headboard in an instinctive reaction and slapped a hand against his chest over his rapidly beating heart.

“What the fuck–goddammit, Tai!”

Standing beside their bed, wearing his favorite Spiderman pajamas and the very detailed Halloween mask of the bloody skull of a skeleton that he’d begged his mother to buy for him at the store, their five year old said nothing as he peered at him through the meth openings of the eyes, looking every bit the spooky specter that he wanted to be for his favorite holiday.

Inuyasha and Kagome stared back, their eyes wide, wondering what the hell their son was doing standing at their bedside at five in the goddamn morning.

Tai was silent for another minute, before his slightly muffled voice reached their ears.

“…It’s Halloween.”

Then, as quietly as he’d apparently snuck into their room, the child slunk back out, leaving his parents in a state of “what the fuck just happened.”

A moment passed. Then their teenage daughter’s screech of, “Aaaahh! Ohmigod, Tai, you little freak! What are you doing?!” drifted down the hall and into their room. Tai’s gleeful cackling followed shortly thereafter and neither parent was surprised to hear Izayoi scramble out of bed and chase her laughing little brother though the house, tossing various threats of dismemberment and other creative jibes older sisters were known to torment their siblings with.

Finally over the initial shock, Kagome heaved a long sigh and slumped against the headboard while Inuyasha groaned and then slunk back under the covers with an annoyed grumble.

“Damn,” Kagome murmured and Inuyasha grunted. “Who the hell needs haunted houses and you wake up to that at five in the morning…”

A snort came from beneath the covers. “We can charge,” her husband opined, his voice gruff. “Pay for Izzy’s college tuition in a single night.”

Kagome snorted a laugh and slithered down to join her hanyou hubby under the covers. He slipped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her chest with a growling sigh and then they felt silent, wrapped in each other’s arms and listening to their children taunt and chase each other around the house in the wee hours of the morning.

“Inuyasha?” Kagome murmured a few moments later, drowsy, but unable to fall asleep as she distractedly rubbed her husband’s ears.

“Mm,” Inuyasha grunted, reveling in his wife’s blissful ministrations and struggling to stay awake to hear what she had to say.

“…You did buy all those Halloween decorations…” Her voice held an innocent lilt to it that had Inuyasha instantly grinning and his chest vibrating with a deep, husky chuckle.

“One condition,” he rumbled, his grin turning sly.

Kagome bit her lip to stifle her snickers. “And?”

“Tai and that damn mask are gonna be put to good use for waking us up at the ass crack of dawn and so’s Iz for saying she’s gonna rip off his arm and beat him with it.”

“Deal.”

“If you don’t stop fidgeting already, I’m gonna poke your eye and I won’t be sorry about it.”

“It feels weird.”

“I swear to god you’re the only girl I know of that complains about putting on makeup.”

“Bite me.”

“Hey, you’re the one who asked me for help, remember? So quit your whining and let me do this so you can impress your boyfriend. And stop glaring at me, it’s pinching your eyes and it’s gonna make me mess up and we’ll have to start all over again.”

“I hate you right now.”

“Love you too, cuz. Now stay still, will you? I’m almost done.”

Grumbling but because she’d rather not sit there for another half an hour while her cousin painted up her face to match her costume, Izayoi obliged and forced herself to remain still as Rin carefully added the finishing touches to her left eye. With her silver done and already donned in her costume, the only thing she had left to do was put on the hat after Rin was through and she was pretty anxious to see the complete look.

The party was set to begin in about twenty minutes or so and even from upstairs Izayoi could hear her mother order around her dad as they got everything ready. Her Aunt Sango and Uncle Miroku had arrived earlier to help as well and no doubt they were regretting that offer as Kagome flitted about agonizing over every little detail, stressing that it had to be perfect. She was pretty sure her mom had even put Tai to work, but last she knew it was something simple like preparing a cheese and cracker tray or picking up some of his toys to put away.

All in all Izayoi was glad she was pardoned from preparation duty so she could get ready. The instant they’d gotten home from school, she and Rin had bolted up the stairs to her room so they could change and prepare themselves, excited to wow their respective dates. They’d worked on Rin’s makeup first, Googling makeup tutorials and having fun experimenting with different shades and such. They settled on a simple design and coupled with the red wig and costume, Rin’s Sally looked positively stunning. Izayoi only hoped she’d look half as good as her best friend and cousin.

Then it was her turn, and by the time Izayoi was finishing styling her hair and changing into her costume, Rin had sat her down on the bed and set to work.

Now nearly thirty minutes later, Izayoi was starting to get antsy and a tad impatient. It really did feel weird to have makeup on. She’d never been one to care about her outward appearance and obsess over things other girls her age did. But still, she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t excited to see the result of actually putting thought into her appearance this time.

“Aaaand…done,” Rin finally announced and stepped back with a satisfied nod. Her smile was very proud and perhaps even a bit arrogant as she studied her handiwork. “Not half bad, if I do say so myself.”

With a muffled squeal of excitement Izayoi wasted no time in shooting up and darting over to the full-length mirror on her door. She took one look at her face and gasped, golden eyes going wide in absolute wonder.

“Oh my god, Rin,” she breathed as the aforementioned girl came strutting over to stand by her side, grinning widely as she slung an arm around her cousin’s shoulders. “This is…this is amazing. You’re amazing. I love it!”

“You’re welcome,” Rin said lightly and was promptly tackled by the enthusiastic half-demon in a hug a gratitude.

“Thank you!” Izayoi gushed and Rin’s half-hearted “Hey, watch the makeup!” didn’t even faze as she pulled back to admire herself once more in the mirror. “Rin, you are a goddess.”

“I know,” her cousin quipped but with a smile as she crossed the room the grab the last item to complete her look. “And now, the finishing touch.”

Beaming, Izayoi met her half-way and allowed her human cousin and best friend to carefully set the brown velvet hat on top of her head. Her ears flicked from the minor constriction against them, but it was tolerable and if it got to be too annoying she could just take it off for a while, so she paid it not mind.

“Perfecto,” Rin said just as the door to her room opened.

“How are you doing, girls? Almost done?” Kagome asked as she poked her head inside. Her eyes landed on her daughter and she gasped in utter delight, smiling broadly as she opened the door the rest of the way and stepped inside. Donned in a simple black long-sleeved shirt and black jeans, Kagome’s costume consisted of black cat ears and a tail with simple cat makeup on her face.

“Oh, Izzy, you look amazing,” she praised and the young half-demon beamed proudly. “And Rin, your Sally is spot on! I gotta say, your skills are stellar. The makeup looks like it was professionally done.”

Rin glowed at the praise and blushed, but her smile was very pleased. “Thanks, Auntie. It was easy, really. Just followed some YouTube tutorials. No biggie.” She shrugged, but it was obvious she really appreciated the compliment.

“Still,” Kagome said as she fished her phone from the pocket of her jeans, “well done. Alright, I have a picture of you two so I can show off to everybody at work. Say Happy Halloween, girls!”

With arms tossed over the others’ shoulders, the young cousins beamed and chorused, “Happy Halloween!”

Kagome snapped the picture, grinned in satisfaction, then beckoned them both over to her so show it to them and then quickly snap a picture of all three of them.

“Okay, the party’s about to start,” Kagome said after sending the photo to both her daughter and her husband. “Let’s get downstairs and show you two off!”

Giggling excitedly, the girls heeded the older woman’s words and scurried out of the bedroom, Kagome at their heels.

There were already a few guests milling about when they got downstairs, mainly people from Inuyasha and Kagome’s work, however a few family members had arrived as well. Rin happily waved to her parents from across the room and skipped over to greet them and to show off her own costume. Kagura had chosen a risqué witch costume while Sesshomaru merely had on a white t-shirt that said “This is my costume.”

Kagura gushed over the girls and praised her daughter’s makeup skills while Sesshomaru eyed his daughter’s costume for a bit before grunting in approval, satisfied that nothing inappropriate was showing. He nodded Izayoi’s way, approving her costume as well, and Izayoi knew it was just his way of showing his admiration so she merely beamed at him.

More people started arriving at the door and someone took it upon themselves to turn on some appropriately spooky music, but kept it at low volume in deference to the demons’ sensitive hearing. Pretty soon the dull roar of laughter and chatter filled the Taisho household as adults and children alike mingled and had a good time. Tai was running around with Sango’s and Miroku’s kids, wearing that bloody mask paired with the clothes he’d worn to school that morning. Whatever, as long as he was happy, is what Inuyasha had told his wife as she shook her head in exasperation.

Shippou and his parents were there, dressed as The Incredibles, and Kikyou along with her husband Suikotsu had arrived as Gambit and Rogue. Kouga and Ayame had opted for the Marvel route as well and showed up as Wolverine and Jean Grey. Daisuke was skulking about somewhere but he wasn’t dressed up, having been forced to accompany his parents.

Izayoi also spotted an Iron Man, the Joker, Penny Wise, various witches and princesses, characters from various horror movies, and even a toilet (???) and Kohaku and finally made an appearance making an excellent Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas. He and Rin looked positively stunning together and many pictures had already been taken of them, however the one person Izayoi had been expecting to arrive with him, she still had seen neither hide nor hair of her crush.

Kohaku had waved off her inquiry about him, saying he just got held up and was probably on his way here right now, but Izayoi still couldn’t help but worry as anxiety gnawed at her tummy. Had he changed his mind? Oh god, what if he came to his senses and realized he could do much better than a silly little half-demon with a crush and an overprotective dad—

“Would you chill out?” Rin said, appearing at her side out of nowhere and thrusting a caramel apple in her cousin’s hand. “He’ll come, I’m sure of it. Kohaku said he just got held up.”

Worrying her bottom lip, Izayoi merely nodded and stared down at the dark screen of her phone. She’d refrained some blowing up his phone asking where he was because she didn’t want to be that girl, but she’d be lying if she said the thought wasn’t tempting. It was almost 6 pm and he still wasn’t there…what if something happened to him? Was he okay? Was he hurt? Oh god she needed to go and find him—

A pair of hands suddenly covered her eyes just as a familiar voice murmured behind her, “Guess who.”

Izayoi’s face split into the biggest smile Rin had ever seen and even through her makeup she could detect the pleased blush that colored the half-demon’s cheeks.

“Rai,” she whispered and the hands dropped, allowing her to spin around and lock eyes with her crush for the first time all night.

“I’m glad you made it,” she said and ignored Rin’s loud snort beside her. “I admit, I was…a little worried.” Rin snorted again and Izayoi not so subtly elbowed her cousin in the ribs.

Blue-green eyes glinted down at her but before Raiden could say anything Kohaku slung an arm around his neck with a jovial laugh and along with their friends started harassing him as boys often did. Raiden gave as good as he got, laughing with them and poking fun of their costumes while batting away the hands that poked at his own.

Izayoi waited patiently, amused, as Raiden fooled around with his friend and watched as he finally sent them off with high-fives and promises to track them down later. Rin dragged Kohaku off to do god knows what, sending her cousin a wink, and Izayoi blushed, but smiled in gratitude.

“So,” Raiden said at length and turned to face her fully, unabashedly looking her up and down to take in her costume. His face lit up in approval and he grinned, boldly reaching up to grab the trailing back of her hat and give it a gentle tug.

“You look…amazing, buttercup,” he complimented sincerely, enjoying the soft flush that painted her cheeks. “Did Rin do your makeup?” At her nod, he whistled low. “Nice. See? I told you we’d be the coolest couple here.”

He smirked and struck a pose, putting his hands on his hips and tossing his head as he puffed out his chest.

Izayoi laughed at how ridiculous he looked, her previous shyness evaporating under his easygoing air. What was it about him that made her feel so comfortable?

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she praised, taking in his matching costume. It was simple, and yet complimented her as well as suited him perfectly. He made some modifications, such as ripping the knees of the trousers and shortening the sleeves of the shirt, but she had to admit, he looked positively dashing. She loved the shoulder piece and hat, and those combat boots? Oh, be still, my heart!

“Why thank you, m’lady,” he rumbled, smirking as he held out his arm. “Now let’s get this show on the road. Shall we, fair maiden?”

Grinning broadly, pleased as punch, Izayoi tucked her arm into his and replied smoothly, “We shall, my good man.”

It was just after 10 pm and the party was finally starting to wind down. It was mainly family and close friends that were sticking around, chatting pleasantly and even offering to help clean up, but Kagome dismissed their kindness with a smile and said she’d just do it tomorrow. Tai, tuckered out from all the fun, the copious amount of cookies and other food he’d consumed, and the various games he’d played, lie fast asleep in his father’s arms who sat in the recliner, feeling a mite winded himself.

The teenagers had claimed the kitchen as their domain, joking around and laughing together, but at a much calmer level now that the hype of the party had died. They munched absently on leftover cookies and other treats, plastic cups full of soda or cider littering the counter tops.

Leaning against the counter with Raiden at her side, Izayoi couldn’t remember having so much fun before. She and Raiden had flirted and teased each other all night long, even holding hands once and she’d managed to sneak in a kiss to his cheek once or twice when her parents weren’t looking. She was on cloud-nine, pumped full of sugar, cider, and so much junk food she should be sick, but yet she unable to stop smiling.

Best Halloween ever, Izayoi thought with a dreamy sigh and then suddenly her hand was encased in warmth and she blinked. Looking down, her eyes widened to find that Raiden had taken her hand in his and her face erupted in color when he laced their fingers together.

He squeezed, and she looked up, a question on her tongue, but he put a finger to his lips and tugged as he jerked her his head, a wordless inquiry to follow him as he gently led her toward the sliding glass doors. Izayoi was utterly helpless and allowed him to drag her away, biting her lip to contain her giggles as they sneaked out into the deck and into the cool night.

From his location in the armchair, Inuyasha’s brows snapped low over his eyes as he watched that boy lead his daughter outside away from his eyesight and a low growl rumbled in his throat. Oh hell no.

Tightening his hold on Tai, meaning to carefully lay him on the couch and follow after the two teens, Inuyasha moved to stand up, but a small hand on his shoulder gave him pause and he snapped his gaze to his wife who was looking toward the kitchen with a knowing smile.

He growled. “Kagome—”

“Leave them be, Inuyasha,” she murmured and shifted her hand to soothingly rub his ear. “She’ll be fine. I’ve been watching them all night; Raiden is a good boy with a good head on his shoulders, and you know your daughter. She’s smart, and we both know she can take care of herself. We need to trust her, okay?”

Inuyasha’s ears pinned down against his head and he winced, however he did grudgingly sink back into the chair. It was obvious he was fighting to keep himself from following after them, amber eyes zeroed in on the sliding doors he could see from where he sat, and Kagome smiled in understanding.

Perching herself on the arm of the chair, Kagome racked her fingers through his hair and quietly mused aloud, “Do you remember when we were that age, Yash?”

She purposely used the nickname she’d frequently called him while they were in high school and as she predicted, her husband’s gaze darted back to hers in surprise.

“We used to sneak off all the time,” she reminded him and watched the emotions flit across his face as he remembered their teenage years. Slowly his expression softened and a small smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he recalled their youth.

“We were young, and it was exciting,” Kagome continued, voice soft with fond recollection. “We broke the rules, caused mischief, didn’t care about anything but each other, and we had fun doing it. My high school years were some of the best years of my life, and it was because I had you to share them with me. Would you deny your daughter that same happiness, Yash?”

Inuyasha closed his eyes and sagged in defeat, releasing a drawn-out sigh of resignation. His wife, damn her, was right. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, his daughter was a teenager now, and as such she was nearing that stage in her life where she was going to act out and do what she wanted, regardless what he or her mother said. He just hoped to god she wouldn’t be as rebellious as he’d been, but like Kagome said, he had to trust her. He knew his babygirl, knew she would stay out of trouble.

Didn’t stop him from worrying, though. She was his only daughter, his little girl; of course he was going to worry. But it looked like he’d just have to do it from afar now and let her make her own mistakes so she could learn from them, as hard as that was going to be.

“No,” he finally allowed, shaking his head. “No, of course I wouldn’t. I just…” He sighed again and stared beseechingly up at his wife, brow knit into a slight frown of consternation. “This is gonna suck, isn’t it?”

Kagome’s smile was equal parts sympathetic and resigned. “Majorly.”

Inuyasha groaned.

“Well,” his wife piped up and he cracked an eye open. “At least your hair is already silver so you don’t have to worry about going gray prematurely.”

“Not helping, wench.”

Sitting on the wooden platform of the swing set, hidden from prying eyes with the waxing moon praying witness to their secret interlude. It was a chilly but clear night, but neither teen minded the cold, content to sit in the dark with the moon’s silver brilliance shining down on them and enjoy one another’s company.

Raiden had yet to release Izayoi’s hand and she wasn’t complaining at all. He was warm and smelled nice and Izayoi thought that maybe life couldn’t get any better right at that moment. She tried not to think about how mad her parents were going to be when they discovered she’d sneaked outside with a boy, and with Raiden there casting her tiny grins and squeezing her hand every so often, it wasn’t too hard.

“Sorry for stealing you away like this,” Raiden said, breaking the silence with a soft chuckle. “It was sort of a…spur of the moment thing. I hope you won’t get in trouble.”

Even if she did, it would be soo worth it. “It’s okay,” she said, smiling as a soft blush tinted her cheeks. “I don’t mind. And even if I do…” She shrugged and spoke her thoughts out loud, “It’d be worth it.”

Raiden grinned. “Yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” she returned and they shared a quiet laugh.

“I did sort of have a reason for bringing you out here,” he admitted a mite sheepishly, using his free hand to rub the back of his neck as he averted his gaze.

Izayoi tilted her head and regarded him curiously, a patient half-smile curling her lips upward.

“What’s that?” she asked lightly even as her heart pounded in her chest, not daring to hope…

“Uh, er, w-well,” he began, coughing into his hand, and Izayoi realized with slight astonishment that he was flustered. She’d never seen him be anything other than cool, calm, and confident, and she had to admit, she sort of liked it. It was adorable and he was actually blushing!

Fighting back a smile, Izayoi swallowed the giggle that bubbled up and waited for him to regain his bearings, if not a bit impatiently. She didn’t want to jump the gun of course, or jump to conclusions, but if he wanted to be alone to ask her something…

Sucking in a bracing breath, Raiden nodded to himself, hardened his resolved, and faced the pretty half-demon that he’d had a crush on for the better part of a year now. He gave her his best charming smile and enjoyed the becoming blush that stole across her cheeks.

Encouraged, he squeezed her hand and began, “Izayoi, I..uh…” He sighed, groaned, and then decided to just go for it.

“Ah, screw it. Izayoi Taisho, I like you,” he finally admitted and he could clearly hear the way her breath caught in her throat as her eyes widened. “And I, uh, I hope you like me too—”

“I do!” Izayoi blurted before promptly blushing so hard her face rivaled that of a tomato.

And just like that Raiden’s confidence was restored, the tension in his shoulders melting away and it was suddenly easier to breath. He grinned at her and squeezed her hand, shifting around and angling his body so he faced her.

“Yeah?” he said and though she refused to look him in the eye, Izayoi jerked her head in a curt nod and he felt like he could, like, lift a freaking house or something.

“Well then,” he started and reached over to gently tug on one of her braids to draw her attention. There was a pause, and then Izayoi slowly turned her head, pretty sunshine eyes locking with his blue-green ones.

“What do you say we go out this weekend? Just you and me, like a real date. Please say yes,” Raiden beseeched, his smile easy-going and entirely too charming for her little heart to handle.

Like she was going to say no? Heart pounding, face five different shades of red and her belly rioting with millions of butterflies, Izayoi allowed the utter delighted smile to surface on her face as her eyes lit up in absolute pleasure.

“Yes,” she whispered and had to laugh when Raiden made a fist and jerked his arm back with a hissed, “Score!”

Utterly elated, Izayoi resisted the urge to bounce up and down in exhalation as she confessed, “God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted—”

Fleeing warmth and softness brushing against her lips so fast she thought she imagined it had Izayoi’s thoughts coming to a screeching halt. She gasped, hand flying up to flutter her fingertips across her lips and her eyes were very wide as Raiden pulled back to reveal a face that was nearly as red as hers.

“Sorry,” he muttered, wincing a little as he dropped his gaze. “I just…you just looked really cute, and I’ve kinda wanted to do that for a while, and well—”

Something warm and soft pressed against his cheek, close to his mouth, and Raiden sucked in a sharp breath as his heart stuttered in his chest. He swung wide eyes his crush’s way and watched as she bit her lip but didn’t avert her gaze, giving a shy but genuine smile that made him want to hug her and protect her at all costs.

While definitely not as brave as he’d been to kiss him on the lips, Izayoi couldn’t help but to return the affectionate gesture, both as a reassurance and because…well…he’d just looked too darn cute all flustered and blushing. She was still reeling from having gotten her very first kiss and her heart was pounding a mile a minute, but she could honestly say she didn’t regret it one single bit.

The two teenagers simply stared at one another for a silent minute, blinking and absorbing what had just happened. And then simultaneously they erupted into a quiet laughter, snickers and giggles echoing into the night. Feeling bold, Izayoi scooted closer to him and pressed her side against his; Raiden retaliated by removing his hand from hers and instead slinging his arm around her shoulders to tug her even closer.

“You wanna go inside?” he asked, frowning slightly as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm. Her skin was cold and he felt stupid for bringing her out here when it was so chilly out.

“Mmm…” Biting her lip, Izayoi glanced over her shoulder toward the deck and the sliding doors that led into the kitchen. She was somehow not at all surprised to find their friends pressed up against the glass, grinning from ear to ear as they spied on them. Rin, the brat, wasn’t even ashamed to be caught, waving at them from under Kohaku’s arm and Izayoi stuck her tongue out at her, though she smiled right after.

“On second thought,” Raiden drawled and a quick glance revealed he too was staring at their annoying friends, “maybe we could stay out here a little longer.”

“Sounds good to me,” she agreed, dismissing their friends and turning away just in time to miss the sight of her mother shooing away the teenagers crowded against the doors, shooting them a secret smile before walking away and dragging her protesting husband with her.

“Happy Halloween, buttercup,” Raiden murmured and dropped a kiss to her head, right between her adorable ears.

Sighing in utter contentment, warm despite the chill in the air and the happiest she could ever remember being, Izayoi smiled and dropped her head to rest on his shoulder, oblivious to everything but him.

“Happy Halloween, Raiden.”

a;kjfad i was in such a rush to get this done i forgot to add links to Izayoi’s makeup and costume, along with Raiden’s getup. whoops.

Izayoi’s Costume (though it’s more kid friendly in the fic of course)

Izayoi’s makeup

Raiden’s costume

#this is halloween #spooktober prompts #day 31 #oneshot #inuyasha #kagome #izayoi #tai #raiden #inukag #keizfanfiction #fanfiction

[levelstory]

Music Reflection II, Early 2000s' was a Trip

Well, it has been a hot minute since I wrote a music reflection post. Last time, I talked about various songs from my childhood from the likes of Britney Spears to Stevie Brock. Now I am back to tackle some more music from my most formative years that will make you question how my music taste ever escaped cringy pop music from the Top 40. Coincidentally, all of these tracks are from the early 2000s’ so no 90s’ music here today. Here we go…

Miracles Happen by Myra

This song is the anthem ofThe Princess Diaries. That movie was one of my most watched VHS tapes next to the first Harry Potter film. It is the movie that sparked my interest in film soundtracks, and one of the most recognizable and memorable songs from the album was easily Myra's Miracles Happen. 

It can be easy to forget how much work was once put into acquiring music in an age where most music is available instantaneously. As a kid, my ear was always turned toward the music in any given film and when I got to an age (around 9-10) when I realized these tracks were sold in one package known as the film soundtrack, I made a point to get my hands on a copy. The Princess Diaries is the first soundtrack I remember owning outside of soundtracks from Disney films. 

My most stark memories with this soundtrack are playing it in my bedroom at my old house. Toward the end of our time living there, my family painted my bedroom a light pink and I got a desk that had a CD rack built-in (this was a big feature at the time). My boombox sat on the large desktop against the wall and I can remember listening to The Princess Diaries soundtrack on repeat. There are a lot of great tracks on the album but Miracles Happen is the true star and the true representation of the movie. 

Before I talk about the track further, I just want to point out that this movie is great. We could talk about its problems, which it has many, but it remains funny, heartwarming, and a joy to watch from start to finish. This movie introduced me to Anne Hathaway and she just shines. Plus, Julie Andrews is in the movie and she steals the show! I know my opinion is partially influenced by nostalgia goggles but hey...just let me have this!

Back to Miracles Happen. What is easily the strongest aspect of the song is the chorus. It is so catchy and fun to listen to. The verses are enjoyable enough, but they feel a bit detached from what makes the song so good. The bridge is pretty lackluster. As discussed a bit in my first reflection, way too many songs struggle with their bridges. Look, I get it...but still. The only shining light is that the bridge at least transitions into a tune that sounds similar to the chorus which is pretty great. 

The lyrics are fairly generic which is par for the course. They say a bunch of random things like "we found the missing pieces" and "nothing should ever bring you down", lyrics that have little to no emotional attachment to anything beyond it is a thing people say in this context. But all things considered, it is still a really fun song to listen to.

It Happens Every Time by Dream Street

Dream Street is one of those boy bands that flew pretty far beneath the radar for most people. Their first album released in 2000 and I distinctly remember the marketing campaign on television playing over and over again so that they were drilled into our brains. I guess it worked because I really wanted this album as a ten-year-old.

My friends and I loved Dream Street. I had their poster hanging on my bedroom wall (their album booklet unfolded into the poster). We made up dance routines to their songs. We even blasted the music through my friend’s house and somehow her parents never became angry with us. My most shameful confession about Dream Street is that we used to try and find their phone numbers to call them. Unaware that phone books are limited to local numbers, we would call random numbers to see if Chris or Jesse were home to talk. They weren't, and people were annoyed by our calls. 

One thing people probably don't know is that Jesse McCartney's music career began with Dream Street. I'm proud to say that he was my favorite from the group at the time, and vocally he is the strongest of the group. His voice had not matured yet so it is always fun listening to his performance with his young voice!

It Happens Every Time was their big single and the song most used in TV adverts, accompanied by the music video. What got me thinking about the song and the group recently is due to some unfortunate events. I learned back in July that one of the members, Chris, died in June due to complications with COVID-19. He would have been 35 this year. Chris was often looked at as the Justin Timberlake of Dream Street. He had the fancy frost tipped hair and swagger to him that the other members couldn't compete with. After the group disbanded, he never found success in the same way he did with Dream Street. He died too young and too soon. After his death, I started relistening to Dream Street and it was this relisten that encouraged me to write another Music Reflection. 

As with Stevie Brock from the first installment of Music Reflections, Dream Street's songs mostly center on their lust for girls in a way that is pretty uncomfortable looking back. These boys range in age from 11-13 if I am not mistaken, and their songs deal with mature themes that predate their young years. Not to mention that society has young boys singing about these ideas that they can't help their actions when they lust for a girl or they can't control themselves because a girl has them wrapped around her finger. Our culture normalizes this idea that men are vulnerable to female woes and that they can't help themselves. It is always a bit gross hearing young boys sing about it, especially before they’ve even hit puberty (i.e. Justin Bieber).*

It Happens Every Time is a song about...a song. It follows a boy who hears a "silly little love song" every time he sees this girl or thinks of her. This plane of existence, a magic place where angels sing all around them, is known as Dream Street (name drop!). Admittedly, this song is probably the tamest when it comes to the themes I mentioned in the previous paragraph. 

Now I won't lie, this song is a bop. I'm still unsure if that is the nostalgia talking or not...I will have to dig deeper some other time. But damn I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy this song. It is so catchy. The boys sing really well for their age. I am a sucker for listening to little Jesse McCartney belt his heart out. Jesse is the highlight of this song, getting a nice solo line toward the end of the second chorus followed by the entire bridge and some overlapping vocals in the final chorus before ending the song. He just sounds so good and I will admit to feeling a small sense of pride listening to him. I was there before his solo career and entry into Radio Disney hits and commercials all over ABC Family. Sometimes it feels like Dream Street is still so unknown that I can keep my memories of them all to myself. Though their time was short-lived, they stayed with me and so has this song.

Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton

Earlier, I talked about how difficult it was to acquire music before the internet. In the case of a song in a movie, there was a good chance that the song you liked would be on the soundtrack, provided a soundtrack was even released. Songs on the radio were difficult because you had to buy an entire album when you just liked one song, or make sure you had a blank tape ready to record when the song came on. Then there were songs you heard while out and about with no context. Those were the worst because you had to try and memorize the song and hope you found it somewhere, someday. That was kind of what happened to me with Vanessa Carlton.

It was her song A Thousand Miles that really gripped me as a 12-year-old. I loved it so much and heard it everywhere I went but never knew who sang the song or where I could get a copy. Eventually, I heard the song on the radio and bought her album...and ended up only listening to the three tracks I liked. One of the tracks, and my favorite of those three, is Ordinary Day. 

If my memory is correct, this song was never as popular as A Thousand Miles on the radio, but it was super popular on the internet. This album came out around the time I first started using the internet and discovered movie montages. I don't mean montages used in movies but montages made by fans on Windows Movie Maker, cut together with a somewhat fitting song. If you were a teenager obsessing over Disney or Harry Potter or...something, you know the songs that people generally gravitated towards with these videos (the band Trading Yesterday were a staple of these montages). Ordinary Day was a movie montage song (every time I listen to this song it reminds me of an Aladdin montage it played over (which I sadly can't find)). 

I decided to watch the music video for this song as I was writing this and boy is it a product of the early 2000s. Can we all just agree that the early 2000s were equivalent to that awkward stage of everyone's lives that we try not to think about? This music video is so clumsy and confusing. There are so many close up shots on Carlton and strange shots of people making out. Who thought this was a good idea?

But back to the song. One thing I appreciate about this song is how it builds itself up. The beginning piano is very nice but then it builds up with orchestration and I love it. I'm sorry I can't talk about it more but I won't embarrass myself with lack of musical instrumental lingo and knowledge.

The lyrics of the song are...ehh? The song is basically about seeing more in the ordinary and how the narrator is shown from an "ordinary boy." It isn't terrible but like the music video, a product of the early 2000s. 

I unapologetically love this song. Yes it is corny and it isn't as musically sophisticated as I would like, but it always makes me smile when I listen to it. I can remember listening to the song on my headphones on long car rides and with friends. It is just a song that makes me feel happy and gives me no reason to feel otherwise. 

All I Can Do by Jump5

Well...I'm surprised it took me this long to arrive at Jump5. What is there to say about this Christian pop sensation? Quite a bit actually. I was only obsessed with them for a good chunk of my early teens. Reflecting on that time of my life is strange because in hindsight, it was such a short period but it always feels like it lasted much longer. 

Everyone has that one band that they really connect with as a teenager that basically shapes their entire life and...well, yeah, that band for me is Jump5. I'm not kidding, I could write an entire book about how this band shaped my entire life (and believe me, I am working on it!). As much as I'd like to talk about all of that, we only have a short amount of time so let's talk about this song. 

As with Ordinary Day, this song reeks of the early 2000s. However, unlike Ordinary Day, the music video is much more successful in its execution. I couldn't believe myself when rewatching it...it is actually pretty darn good as far as music videos tend to be. 

Choosing what Jump5 song to talk about was pretty difficult because there are so many in their arsenal that I can talk about for long periods of time and connect to life experiences. But All I Can Do seems to be a special one because I'm almost certain it was the first track I ever heard from the group. As with Dream Street, Jump5 had a big TV marketing campaign for their second album, All the Time in the World (in which All I Can Do is the first track). It was their TV advert that put them on the radar for me. I vividly remember seeing the commercial at Christmas time. It was the first Christmas spent at our new house and I can remember watching the TV with my gifts and snow falling outside. At this point, seeing pop bands advertised on TV was nothing new. There were always new groups trying to make it big as other pop acts had before them. But other than my memory of seeing this commercial, it otherwise didn't leave a big impact on me. I wouldn't start listening to Jump5 until a few months later after getting into Radio Disney. And even after I got into Jump5, All I Can Do was never one of their songs that I gravitated towards. 

I wanted to talk about this song because of how well it represents Jump5 as a group. All I Can Do is their quintessential track, packed with energy and fun lyrics. But the track is also a representation of the group's core aesthetic of disguising "Christian values" as a pop song about a crush. For anyone who grew up on a Christian media diet (as I did voluntarily as a teenager), this is nothing out of the ordinary for this type of entertainment. In fact, it is basically a meme at this point. All I Can Do may be the least overt example of this from Jump5's library, but it is still an example nonetheless.

“It's like I got nothing to do but think about you,” (you being God), "I've got all the time in the world," (implying that time does not matter because in God you have everlasting life), "if you look at my heart, you'll know from the start," (meaning God knows your true heart and He knows from the start). I could go on but I think you see my point. There isn't anything inherently bad about this example and it is fairly harmless, but this isn't always the case when it comes to Christian entertainment.

Another trend from the late 90s' and early 2000s' was a pop group being a mix of both guys and girls but the guys rarely sang (A*Teens is another example that might come to mind). This song is dominated by the girls who share most of the song equally. The guys are hardly ever heard at all except when Chris gets his time to shine echoing the song's title over and over. It is easy to forget about them but alas, they are there.

Jump5 were known for their dance routines that they performed alongside their songs. They would often do cartwheels, flips, and very technical dance routines that blew many other pop acts out of the water. They also performed these routines live on tour, not just in their music videos. This dance routine is a really memorable one, showing the group doing a train-like dance which I remember performing with a friend. It is a lot of fun and I won't let anyone tell me otherwise! It was a lot of fun revisiting this track.

Is It Saturday Yet? by Nick Carter

Well here we are, at the final song, and boy is this choice...let's go with interesting. Nick Carter, known for his Backstreet Boy fame, recorded his own solo album after the group disbanded. What we got was Now or Never which is only ever remembered by the song Help Me, and even that is pretty forgettable. All that said, I owned this album and listened to it quite a bit as a tween. My most specific memory with the album is listening to it on a long car ride to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Is It Saturday Yet? is the seventh track on the album and out of the five tracks I liked, this was probably at the bottom. 

So why talk about it if it was my least favorite track? Well friends, this track is so bizarre that I question its existence on a frequent basis. It is insane how often this song gets stuck in my head and won't leave. 

The song seems to be about a disengaged teenager being raised by Jerry Springer and video games (video games got a low blow for warping kids brains back in the day. They still get blamed today but it isn't to the same extent) who just can't wait for Saturday to come so he can be rid of his responsibilities. The lyrics are...dumb. They are clearly trying to make a point but the song is so ridiculous that it is white noise. And why is it that Nick and Aaron Carter always have to reference each other in their songs? It was cute at first when Aaron did it in his classic track Oh Aaron, but now it is just old. 

"Is it Saturday yet? Cause I wanna get up. Is it Saturday yet? It just feels like a Saturday. Maybe it's a Saturday." Those are the lyrics in the chorus. It is a song so devoid of meaning and so lazy to its very core. It contains lazy rhymes and brutal instrumentals. This song is the reason so many people describe pop music as empty trash. Like, don't get me wrong, a lot of music on the radio is pop trash and is clearly put together by big corporate higher-ups to make a quick buck on teenage stars locked in a contract. But some of that music is meaningful and deserves to be recognized. This song, however, deserves to die a painful death. It is just terrible. 

And yet, despite all of this, the song somehow still appeals to me. I still listen to it. I still find joy out of it even though it is just awful in every possible way. I think that speaks to the whole point of these reflections on the music I listened to when I was younger. 

Is It Saturday Yet? may be the worst of the bunch, but a lot of music cranked out back in the day was mindless entertainment. As much as it bothers me, I won't lie and say there is no place for music like this because there is. Sometimes when I am driving, I get so sick of the music I normally listen to ("good" music) and I just want music from my childhood that won't make me think but will just allow me to bake in nostalgic goodness. 

Revisiting these songs was fun, but I know there are more I want to talk about in the future! Stay tuned! What are some songs you listened to in the early 2000s’ that make you feel super nostalgic today? Let me know in the comments!

* It should also be noted that the band broke up because of a lawsuit in which the majority of the parents of the band alleged that the underage band members were "exposed to booze, women, and pornography."

#Jump5 #Vanessa Carlton #Dream Street #Chris Trousdale #Jesse McCartney #Myra #The Princess Diaires #Nick Carter

[sebthesnipe]

‘The Only Virgil’

February Prompts 2/19

Prompt List

First // Previous // Next

The February Collection on AO3

My Dearest Procyon

Other works by me

Prompt: Waste / Warmth

Ship: Prinxiety and logicality

Original story based on this wonderful post by @underdog-arts

Logan stretched, claws extending from his paws as his back arched, a yawn escaping him. It was nice to finally have a roof over their heads. It had been awhile since either of the witches had slept in a bed as well. He flopped onto his side, soaking up the sun that shone through the window of the tiny room, basking in its warmth. 

They had arrived at the village the day before and found the closest inn to purchase a room. Roman, of course, had a number of things to say in response to discovering that they were all meant to share one room. Eventually Virgil caved and allowed the man to purchase a second, under the guise that it would be improper for a lord to bed with his underlings. In all honesty, the guy was definitely taking the whole ruse a bit too seriously. Still, Virgil was a bit more at ease not having to face the man’s morning routine; which, according to Logan was extensive.

The group had split in two, Logan and Roman in one room, Patton and Virgil in the other. Everyone seemed to have their protests at Virgil’s room assignments but they all came around eventually.

“Do you really plan on lounging about all day?” Virgil grumbled as he pulled on his other boot, shooting the cat a glare. “We have to be moving on soon and supplies need to be gathered. It would be easier if you put in your fair share of work.” 

‘Yes, because  merchants would most certainly love to barter with a feline.’ Logan replied sarcastically, tail flicking lazily back and forth. 

“At least I’m trying to be productive,” Virgil hissed in return. “Meanwhile, you’re just being a waste of space.”

‘Virgil,’ He could practically hear the sigh in the projected voice, “tensions caused by becoming hyper focused on tasks at hand can become unhealthy if you are not careful.’

“Yeah, well, someone has to make sure we’re being careful!” Virgil shot back, moving to pull on his cloak, “Plus, somehow, I got stuck on babysitting duty. Princey thinks he can buy everything in sight and Patton won’t stop his screeching every time we walk by a shop, or a child, or a stray. I am pretty sure he started squealing at a piece of trash yesterday. The man has an unhealthy obsession with anything that could be considered ‘cute'. So, I’m afraid that ‘Tense Virgil’ is ‘The Only Virgil’ you’re getting today.”

Logan gave another stretch, both front and back paws extended before he rolled off the window sill, landing on his feet just beneath it with a resounding plop. He gave one more yawn before striding over to the witch and jumping on the bed next to him. 

‘I apologize that I am unable to assist you in our errands, Virgil. I do hope you understand my reasoning.’ The cat offered, peering up at him with those mismatched eyes. 

Virgil glanced down to meet his gaze, his frown deepening before he pulled up his hood to hide it. He hated when Logan used that soft tone against him; the bastard knew that Virgil was weak against it and took full advantage of that fact. 

“I do,” the witch growled in annoyance, “if anyone saw a raccoon traveling with you guys, they would ask too many questions, and your whole shirtless thing could be an issue too. I understand the reasons, Logan.” Of course, knowing the reasons and liking them were two different things. 

There was a lapse in their conversation as Virgil moved to stand, beginning to pack a bag for the day. 

The witch still wasn’t quite sure what was going on between Logan and Patton, but he was not about to let the tiny man have a chance to work more of the spell he was putting on his friend, whatever it was. As for Patton, Virgil was fairly sure part of the reason he was so keen on bunking with Virgil’s partner was simply because of his feline affliction.  

‘It seems that you had acquired the majority of the supplies we needed during your trip into the market yesterday. Perhaps you could take the opportunity to do something you enjoy today? If you are worried about Roman and Patton, I will remain with them to make sure nothing happens.’ Logan offered, jumping down from the bed and moving to sit next to the door. 

“Something I enjoy?” Virgil scoffed, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “What could I possibly enjoy, surrounded by so many normal people?” 

‘Well,’ Logan offered, knowing full well how much Virgil detested society, ‘I happened to have been gathering some information about the local area during our time apart yesterday and may have a few suggestions.’

“I am all ears,” the man hissed sarcastically, turning to face the feline.

‘There is a musical troupe on the north side of the village that has the townspeople quite enthusiastic,’ Logan offered in return. He still didn't quite understand the expression ‘all ears’, despite Virgil's countless explanations. Nothing could be 'all ears'. It would be unrealistic and useless.

“Which means there will be a crowd. I think I’ll pass, thanks.”

‘There is also a book shop near the noble district.’

That had Virgil hesitating. Logan knew how much the man loved reading. In fact, he had never met anyone that had a similar passion for the written word outside of himself, though their prefered subject matter differed greatly. It had been some time since Virgil had managed to get his hands on a new book. Maybe he could just take a quick look, if he just happened to be in the area. 

‘And while you are there, perhaps you could attain a small text for myself?’

“Ah, I see,” Virgil mused, with a small smile. “So, the truth comes out. You just want me to go because you found a book that you want.” The accusation had Logan’s tail twitching as he lifted a paw to rub against one of his ears, almost as if the cat was nervous.

‘I will admit, I had hoped you would find the opportunity preferable for my own gain, but I would not fault you for refusing.’

“Relax, Logan,” Virgil chuckled. “I’ll swing by and pick up your book. Now come on, I left Patton and Roman to go down for breakfast by themselves, there is no telling how much trouble those two have already gotten into.”

…………………….

The witches found both Patton and the prince at a small table in the corner of the common room. Roman lounged against the wall, head resting against it as he snored softly. It was obvious that the inconsistent sleeping schedule he now found himself on was taking its toll. The red cloak Patton had given the prince was currently draped across the sleeping man’s broad chest like some sort of blanket, most likely the tiny man’s doing as well. 

The smaller man in question sat next to Roman’s sleeping form, the prince’s muscled figure making him look almost childlike in comparison as he toyed with a number of small flowers that littered the table, humming a soft tune. 

It took a moment for Patton to notice Virgil and his furry companion resting on his shoulder. As soon as he did however, he shot them a large broad smile and motioned them over. 

“Well, hey there!” Patton greeted in his usual sunny way as the two witches drew closer, “I was starting to worry you two were going to miss breakfast. The food here is really paw-some.” The wink he provided was certainly an unnecessary attachment to such a torturous pun.

Logan eyed the small man carefully. Despite the fact that he had managed to sleep longer last night than the other three, Patton looked tired. Dark circles rimmed the bottom of his eyes, his cheeks a bit flushed. The sight was certainly cause for concern when considering what the man actually was. Logan did not have much knowledge of dragons, but there had been nothing in the lore that mentioned that they were prone to illness. 

Virgil moved to sink into the chair across from the smaller man, pushing away the empty plate in front of Roman to make a bit of extra room. He glanced at the larger man, pursing his lips in frustration. He just couldn't understand how someone so obnoxious, even in his sleep, could still look so perfect. As if to prove his point, the prince snored loudly to the point that the sound startled himself awake with a jerk. 

"I think I will pass this time, thanks.” Virgil said in response to Patton, “There are a few more things I'd like to do before we leave," Virgil explained as Roman ran a clumsy hand through his curls, blinking away the sleep in his eyes. The witch’s face heated slightly at the sight of Roman's half lidded expression, messy curls framing his face haphazardly.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, kiddo. You really should eat something," Patton countered with worry in his voice. 

"I’ll pick up something on the way. For now, I need you two to stay here with Logan," he instructed. 

"Wait," Roman's groggy voice interrupted, making Virgil finally meet his tired gaze. "You mean, you plan on going out into the village alone?"

 The prince’s words earned a glare from the witch. Why did this man make him feel so flustered? "Yeah, what of it?" Virgil growled. 

"Well, that simply won't do!" Roman replied, his voice booming with the regal tone Virgil was starting to grow accustomed to. "A gentleman such as yourself should not be walking the streets alone! People would get the wrong idea! What if something happened? What if you were attacked or mugged?!"

"I'm pretty sure that wouldn't happen” Virgil scoffed. "Besides, even if it did, they would end up getting the short end of the stick," Roman's concern was endearing, but far too over dramatic for the witch's taste. 

"Nevertheless, I shall accompany you!" Roman interjected with a flourish of his hands. 

"No."

'No.’

Virgil tensed as he felt the word brush against his mind at the same time he had spoken. He glanced at the source: the small cat now sitting in the chair next to him.

Logan's tail twitched anxiously as he peered up at the two men. With the way things were going, it would be unwise to allow the prince and his partner to spend anytime alone together. Despite his emotional shortcomings, Logan could see that Virgil was warming up to the prince. The closer the two got, the more likely the vision would come true. He was not going to let that happen. 

Virgil's gaze narrowed in response to Logan's reaction, his frown deepening. Logan had never forbade Virgil from doing anything before, so why now? Why was he so adamant about this? Was it because of Patton? Did he not want to be alone with the pyromancer? 

Virgil's gaze shifted to the smaller man who smiled brightly at him. No, it wasn't that Logan didn't want to be alone with Patton. Patton seemed thrilled by the idea of staying behind, bouncing in his chair with excitement. If Virgil had to guess it was just due to the fact that he got to spend more time with Logan in his cat form.

No, Logan didn't want Virgil and Roman to be alone. Was that the reason for the room assignments? But why? And why was Logan hiding something from him? Secrecy was so unlike the feline. 

"On second thought," Virgil offered, pulling his gaze away from the cat and spotting the pout that had apparently settled on Roman's features. "Why not?"

"Really?!" Roman brightened instantly, the shining look so luminous it should have been illegal.

"Sure, like you said, people would get the wrong idea, and I'm supposed to be one of your servants, right?" Virgil offered. He could feel their other two companions eyes on him, boring holes into his very soul. 

'Virgil… I know what you are doing,' Logan's voice came, 'This is childish. You need a healthy amount of time to yourself. You have said it multiple times, the prince makes you tense. How are you expected to relax?'

Virgil ignored him, pushing to his feet before pointedly meeting both Logan's and Patton's gaze as if in defiance. Logan's scramble to convince Virgil to leave the prince behind only seemed to reinforce his theory. Perhaps taking Roman with him would give the witch an opportunity to see what the other man knew about the situation and why they were being lied to. 

To be continued...

Taglist:

@hiddendreamer67 @nightashes @aequinoctiale @sumersnowlilly

#sanders sides #sanderssides #sander sides #sandersides #virgil #virgil sanders #anxiety #ts virgil #ts anxiety #patton #ts patton #patton sanders #creativity #creativity sanders #ts creativity #morality #ts morality #morality sanders #roman #ts roman #roman sander #princey #princey sanders #ts princey #logic #ts logic #logic sanders #logan #ts logan #logan sanders

[theawkwardterrier]

2019 fic roundup

Buffyverse

The Words Beneath Our Words

MCU

Perfect Targets Beneath the Flap A Light in the Window These Bricks and Beams Carry With Us Though It's Called Dancing (to me it's romancing) things left behind and the things that are ahead

1. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?:

I've had a policy over the past through years of not predicting (I’m so easily prone to getting weighed down by disappointment in myself), but I’ll say it was less than in the past (not an overwhelming number of individual fics, and not a lot of variation in genre) but in some ways a lot more (things left behind).

There is something a little different from other years, though, because in 2018 I had decided to stop writing. It seemed like a perfectly sensible time to do so: it had been just over ten years since I started writing fic regularly, just under ten since I started participating in IWRY marathon, I’d made friends and improved in my writing both through age and through practice, and I’d just finished my World Without Shrimp IWRY series and had no new projects brewing. I was starting to feel sort of old-married to my fandoms, the love still there but the passion somewhat fading. But it was also a move made bitterly, out of anger and sadness and frustration. 

I know there are writers who will write regardless of the feedback they get. I know there are writers who don’t register the hits or kudos they get, those who don’t compare their stats to other writers, who keep themselves focused on themselves and their own work, thinking “I like my story - it’s good and writing it helped me to grow” rather than “I like my story, and more people should have too.” I think that type of writer is admirable. I’m not one of them. I don’t know that I ever can be. And, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I was really torn up that But A Walking Shadow didn’t get much of a reaction.

It��s strange - I love my own fic, but I truly don’t think I’m the most amazing writer or anything. And I certainly get wonderful feedback, including plenty on my other 2018 stories, many of which were very well received. But there was just something about what happened with that one story that really affected me. Maybe it was a sense of hopes dashed after a lot of effort, or, as I mentioned during last year’s roundup, a feeling that I had done everything “right” with it, and it didn’t result in a greater impact. Maybe it was the feeling that Woman Borne was somehow retroactively not as well-received as I thought it had been if people weren’t looking for a follow-up and weren’t as interested when it arrived. I felt as if I had spent a decade trying to become Something and had finally gotten close and it just wasn’t working. (I was also having a pretty hard year in general, and mental-healthwise, wasn’t in the best place.) Regardless of the reason, in the later part of 2018, I started wondering what would happen if I just...stopped?

Like I said, I thought it would be a fairly good time to do it, there were Reasons for it, but I was also having a supervillain moment of “if I’m not appreciated, I just won’t do it anymore, I’ll just tell myself stories and won’t write them or show them to anyone, so there.”  

And then Endgame came out. And I wrote anyway. Obviously.

I’m not much better in my comparisons with others, and in some ways I’m worse, though I’m working on it. I know that it’s not logical or healthy, to have this endlessly gluttonous desire for recognition which might not even be possible to ever fulfill. (Like, realistically, what do I want? For every fic reader to be obsessed with my work? For the world to hail me as the next Shakespeare????) I am trying to manage my expectations and to focus on the positives of my accomplishments and place less stock in the reception. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I don’t predict what I’ll write, or how much. At this point, who knows.

2. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?:

As I said, in January, I was certain I would never write fic again, so I suppose it was all unpredictable. That said, everything stayed fairly status quo (Steve/Peggy, Buffy/Angel), though I guess my OCs - the whole cast of them! - were a surprise.

3. What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

There’s usually one that jumps out, but from 2019, I was really proud of things left behind in a grand sense (length! characters!) and probably Beneath the Flap in a smaller sense (I’m always really excited when I can translate one universe into another - Attachments’s internet security officer/email monitor becoming a CA:TFA appropriate WWII military mail censor is pretty good).

4. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Including so many OCs in things left behind, I think. Even though I did something similar before with Adrift, Ashore, it felt so, so nerve-wracking to include pieces like chapter 22, which is almost entirely Drea with cameos by Steve and Peggy and Tony and the Jarvises. Like, how much would people’s interest extend past the MCU characters they came to read about? (Luckily, apparently a fair amount.) One of the things I started to realize as I’ve written more and more of the story is that I do feel, I guess, ready to try writing new characters and building a world of my own in a way that I didn’t before. 

5. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

This is not a prediction because I’ve already fulfilled it as of this writing, but: keep posting chapters of things left behind, mostly. I’d love to expand to a new fandom, but I’ve been in a real rut for the past few years; nothing’s really captured my interest in that certain way, and I’m sighing over the lack of a shiny hyperfixation.

As I’ve gained confidence in my own writing independent of an extant media universe (see above), it’s possible that I might try writing something non fanfic at some point in the future, but I don’t actually have an idea and the details of anything surrounding that are so hazy I don’t even think I could list it as a goal. (Also, a maximum of four people are allowed on the page at once, so that will put a damper on things).   

6. From my past year of writing, what was…

Story Most Underappreciated by the Universe:

I think they all mostly got what they were due this time around (or more than their due; see below), though I would never say no to more feedback on new chapters of things left behind. There are people who comment on every chapter and I absolutely can never thank them enough for that, but it is a little dispiriting to watch the hits going up without even a note saying, “hey, this was great!” or “I can’t give kudos again but I liked this chapter.” Like I said, I’m trying to work past this sort of thing and I’m not going to stop writing because of it, but...it would still be nice...

Most Fun:

I think Perfect Targets. There’s a touch of awkwardness to it that I wasn’t really able to smooth out, but I like the tone of it, the seriousness balanced with humor/aggravation.

Most Disappointing:

It has got to be A Light in the Window. I reread my own fic possibly more than anyone else alive, and I can’t bear to even look at this one because I think it’s so clunky and weird. Like, the very very center is an interesting idea, but I can’t believe I wrote it considering the secondhand awkwardness that I experience when thinking about it. The feedback on it has been incredibly generous.

Most Sexy:

The scene in chapter 3 of things left behind where Peggy and Steve start getting hot and heavy at the carnival? Or maybe chapter 3 in general?

Hardest to Write:

I stopped writing chapter 28 of things left behind for around six solid months and I’m still not certain I got it 100% fixed up, so probably that.

Most Unintentionally Telling:

I'd love to be either a Buffy or an Angel in The Words Beneath Our Words, but sometimes I feel like my love language is  ¯\(°_o)/¯. Good luck being in a relationship with me! (Just kidding - who would?! Rosa_Diaz_laughing_at_the_party.gif)

Choice Lines:

Usually I’m obsessed enough with my own work to list fourteen million, but this time the prospect legit exhausts me. Pick your own if you’d like, I guess?

#this is like a mental breakdown/ugly look into my ugly psyche disguised as a fic roundup #(I felt like I had to get it out but if you want to like me in the future maybe don't read it?)

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Seventy-Two: Future ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ] [ AO3 Link ]

Many years ago, Uchiha Sasuke did not consider the future outside of a singular idea. That being the vengeance gained for his slaughtered clan when he finally eliminated their murderer: his elder brother, Itachi. A secondary goal to restore his clan was...vague and half-hearted at best. Partially because he didn’t yet realize just what such a goal would take. Partially because he knew full well that he may die in pursuit of his revenge.

And partially because he had no romantic inclinations until late into his teens.

Sasuke spent nearly every day after his release from Konoha’s hospital a few days after the massacre training, one way or another. Be it practicing his taijutsu, his bukijutsu, his ninjutsu. Or doing extensive study on any subject that offered an inkling of advantage. Seals, chakra rationing, even the history of Konoha and his clan. He couldn’t waste a single moment...because every one he let slip away was another spent with his clan in turmoil, surely trapped in a kind of limbo while they awaited justice for their untimely deaths, from elders to children.

He wouldn’t - couldn’t - let them down.

Beyond his eventual goal, Sasuke took life one day at a time. Get up, eat, train, eat, clean himself up, sleep...repeat. Barely any variation save for whatever obstacles life threw at him. His time at the Academy was spent obsessively studying and practicing. Upon being assigned a genin team, he felt held back by immature missions, and even more immature teammates. Even his sensei seemed too aloof, not giving his goal true consideration. Kakashi didn’t seem to care that Sasuke was so driven. He still held him to the same standards - the same routines - as the dead-last and the annoying girl that was far more focused on him than her shinobi career.

He became so blinkered, that any interruption - any waste of time - was unforgivable. Naruto’s incessant bickering was infuriating. Sakura’s attempts to distract him for her own selfish desires were aggravating. Kakashi’s lack of drive and refusal to take him seriously was a source of constant irritation. Naruto called himself his friend. Sakura claimed to love him. Kakashi, once things got bad enough, tried to relate to Sasuke and his own childhood actions.

But none of them...none of them truly understood. And it was clear in their actions. In no way did they attempt to help him. Instead, they impeded him at every given opportunity.

And yet…

...and yet…

Buried beneath the anger, the hurt, the obsession...was the same caring little boy that fed stray cats in the Uchiha compound, and spoke softly to his classmates, and eagerly vied for the attention of his peers and betters. Because at the root of Uchiha Sasuke’s character...was a deep and unbreakable caring for people.

Why else would be try so hard for people now dead? Because he loved them. Because their deaths were a grave injustice. Everything else? The hatred, the fury, the drive? Was to shelter and protect that ideal from the corruption of his brother. He had to hate him. Had to be angry. Had to strive every moment of every day, or he would fail.

Fail them.

So, despite the aggravations they caused him, despite the impediment of his goals, despite his overall annoyance toward his team...they were his team. They were, in some sense, like family. It’s why he threw himself between Haku’s needles and Naruto. Why he fought so hard against Gaara to save Sakura’s life. Why he tried so hard when Kakashi finally took him for solo training. These people, whether he liked them or not, were tied to him. And he couldn’t deny that.

Not even when he left.

They were the first glimmers of hope for a future. That maybe something could exist for him when all was said and done. When the Uchiha were avenged, maybe...he could shed his layers he’d built up to protect that core.

But until then, to save himself - to save them - he cut his ties. Nothing could hold him back from this destiny. This goal. This purpose that had become the center of his very being.

And just as he thought justice was his - just as Itachi lay dead at his feet - everything shattered.

...everything.

Itachi was not the culprit. He was the puppet. The puppet of the village Sasuke had been born in, grown in. They had betrayed their own, ignoring their abuse and their wants for freedom...and met them instead with blades and subterfuge.

...and what did his team do when they learned this truth?

Nothing.

That...had been a blow almost akin to learning that truth. The betrayal Sasuke felt when Naruto knew that Konoha had killed his clan, and yet still tried to drag him ‘home’. The audacity of Sakura trying to end his path for justice by killing him, to put him out of his misery…? The sheer hypocrisy of Kakashi, too loyal to a bloody-handed village to see why Sasuke abandoned them - they who chose Konoha over their teammate, friend, love, student - was too much.

In that moment...he truly did hate them.

And those dreams of that future died in the fires of that hate.

How dare they…? How dare they?! How dare any of them uphold a system that produced the most virulent ‘villains’ of the ages? Madara, Obito, even Sasuke himself in some minds...all products of the shinobi system and its broken ideas of loyalty and servitude to the state...even if it means wiping out a bloodline long used and abused by the village they helped create.

So Sasuke saw a new future. One with a slate wiped clean. Dead kage, dismantled villages...whatever it took to destroy that which had made his monster.

And who would stop him...but Naruto?

Even with the ultimate powers granted to him, Sasuke still couldn’t best him. It felt cruel. To be once again shackled to Konoha, to the system of shinobi. It was either that, or death. And death was no future.

So...he gave in.

...but not completely.

Upon the return of Itachi, raised from the grave, Sasuke found - at last - his final calling. To see Konoha’s shadows burned in the light of truth and justice. They would confront the council. They would reveal the truth behind the massacre. Itachi would be pardoned and seen for the hero he truly was: someone forced to make an impossible choice by killing the few to save the many. Neither of them were perfect, and neither claimed to be. But both were done wrong by the village they’d been born in. Given so much of their lives to.

And if Sasuke could not change the world...he would change Konoha.

They had allies. The Hyūga stood with them, debts owed thrice over to one of their own. Cousin clans stood together to shed light on the past.

And it was that act that revealed to Sasuke - even if time would have to pass before he realized - the largest part of his true future.

Hinata had been a virtual stranger. There had been brief meetings during clan talks, and they’d attended the Academy together. Took their first chūnin exams together. But they had never really talked. Sasuke had no recollection of her, really, upon his return to Konoha outside a vague impression of a quiet, shy, but seemingly good-hearted little girl.

A girl who had grown into a fierce defender of what she believed in, and the people she cared for. Whose gentle nature was backed by an iron will. In some ways...she reminded him of himself. He had a basic respect for her, especially as she worked with their clan to help bolster them in their singular numbers. She wasn’t overbearing like many of her clansmen, but instead warm and diligent, paying close attention to the needs and comforts of others.

She was...calming. Quiet, like himself, they could sit in a companionable silence when brought together: be it for clan business, or being dragged along by shared friends or acquaintances. Her temper meshed against his own almost shockingly well. And while everyone else walked on eggshells, she simply went on like business as usual.

It was unbelievably refreshing.

For the first time, he felt he could be heard. He didn’t have to bicker with her like Naruto. He didn’t have to know he wasn’t being listened to like with Sakura. She treated him like she treated everyone else. And their parallels served as a basis of understanding he’d really found in no one else, not even Naruto.

Once he realized how well they got on...he sought her out like a plant in a dark room, reaching for a crack bleeding light. Everything about her just felt...right. Comforting. Comfortable. Nothing forced, nothing expected, just...someone who listened. Who understood.

...and then he realized that he loved her. In his nineteen years, he’d never felt love like that before. Love for family, yes. Love for friends, sure. But love in another half? In someone who made him feel...whole?

...he was terrified.

Partly due to inexperience. Partly due to a fear of driving her away. But mostly due to fearing his reputation’s effect on her own.

But Hinata, of course, refuted it as soon as he brought it up. Her life had nearly been lost so many times...and several times in pursuit of a love never returned. But now, she had someone who made her feel seen. Who she didn’t have to fight for his attention. She and Sasuke just...worked. Never had she felt so connected to and understood by someone. There would be - could be - no one else. And she would gladly risk her reputation - or her life - for such a love.

...so he agreed. And together, they took their first steps into a future for two.

                                                         .oOo.

     Phew, finally done with this one! I'm still technically a day late (and probably will be for...quite some time as I do another ship month for October), but at least I'm more caught up than I was lol      This piece is more...narrative and introspective. I love love LOVE getting inside Sasuke's mind. He's such an intriguing character to me. Even more so, admittedly, than Hinata (though I still love her to pieces). I love thinking about and studying his story, and imagining how it could go post-war in another verse with Hinata. Even recently I've changed a small portion of my view of him yet again - seems he's still evolving for me, even after all this time. There's just so much potential for expansion for him...and so much of it wasted in canon by Kishi just sweeping everything tidily after 699. It really irks me xD      But, it's late and I'm rambling! Thanks for reading!

#sasuhina #uchiha sasuke #hyūga hinata #a light amongst shadows [ canon verse ] #365daysofsasuhina