#yeah. i took inspiration from that story he posted the other day lol

[da-proti-toku-grem]

for the kiss asks: bonace + 4 (since bojan keeps getting hurt/sick 😅)

First time writing bonace let's go! Hope you like it :3

Send me a Ship and a Number and I will Write a Kiss

4. … where it hurts.

The ping pong game between Bojan and Jure was getting interesting. Bojan had started winning, but Jure quickly caught up and was about to beat him.

Jan was watching the match and counting the points. Basically playing referee so that neither of them complained about the other cheating – although it doesn't seem to be working very well, he thought to himself.

Kris and Nace, meanwhile, were sitting on the sofa near them, trying to have a conversation above the shouting of the others.

It was Jure's turn to serve the ball. If he scored just one more point, he would win the match.

The blond hit the ball agilely, but it seemed to take an unexpected curve, heading straight to Bojan's face.

As is normal for all human beings, our reflex when something is rushing towards our face is to cover ourselves from it. However, Bojan's reflexes were much quicker than his brain, which seemed to forget the fact that he still had the paddle in his hand, hitting himself in the eye with it.

Bojan let out a pained grunt and the room seemed to freeze for a moment.

"Oh shit. Nace!" Jure quickly called him, leaving the paddle on the table and hurrying over.

Before his brain could register what was happening, the singer found himself surrounded by his four bandmates.

"I told you someone was going to get hurt!" exclaimed Kris, but he sounded more worried than angry.

"Sorry, mom," Bojan tried to laugh, but the movement gave him a twinge in the eye.

"Okay, okay, let me take a look," said Nace. "Yeah, it looks like you've given yourself a black eye. Janči, can you get the first aid kit, please?"

As quickly as he could, Jan brought the kit and took out everything Nace needed to clean the wound.

"I don't think it's serious enough to have to cover your eye with a bandage or something, but we need to clean the wound so it doesn't get infected," the bassist spoke again softly. "It's going to be a little uncomfortable, but I promise I'll do it as gently as possible, okay?" Bojan nodded.

"Let's put the stuff away, guys," Kris said, turning to Jan and Jure, who watched intently as Nace gathered the necessary things. They started gathering their things and exiting the room, leaving the other two alone.

Bojan hissed a little at the first contact, but Nace's hand that had been placed on his head, holding his hair back from falling on the wound, kept him grounded.

When Nace finished and removed his hand from his hair so he could put the things away, Bojan couldn't help but miss the contact. He didn't know exactly what it was, but there was something truly warm about Nace's presence that was always so comforting for the singer.

"Do you feel better?" Nace asked then, giving him a soft smile.

"Yeah, th-" he started, but then got an idea. "Actually... Can you kiss it better?" He asked with the best puppy eyes he could – considering he still had a black eye, after all.

Nace chuckled. "Really?"

"...Please?"

"Yeah, okay."

He got a little closer and left a kiss on Bojan's eyelid, really careful not to touch the wound directly.

The younger hummed happily.

"Better?"

"Yes," he smiled. When Nace was about to turn around to grab his things, Bojan spoke up again. "Well... Can I get another one? It still hurts a bit around here."

"Where?" Nace turned to look at him again.

"On my lips," he smiled cheekily.

"You're impossible." Nace rolled his eyes fondly, but he left a tender kiss on the other's lips nonetheless.

"Thank you, Nacko." Bojan kissed his cheek, practically beaming with happiness as he took his jacket and headed out of the room, leaving Nace alone.

He's going to be the death of me.

masterlist | ao3

#yeah. i took inspiration from that story he posted the other day lol #joker out #bonace #nace jordan #bojan cvjetićanin #the others are also there but i don't want to spam the tags #ask #mine #maca writes #kiss prompts

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Hope Morphin Q&A

About a few months ago, I got a message from a surprising source: @hmrphin/Hope Morphin.

In case you don't know, Hope Morphin is a model and makeup artist who the character of Marc was based on. I also made a post about how their friendship with Astruc had ended thanks to the Rising Sun Flag controversy, which they had actually read one day. We talked a little, and they told me to message them on their Instagram to confirm that this is the real Hope.

They said they'd be down to answer some questions, I came up with a few, and I got their permission to post this on my account. So, without further ado, as Sid the Science Kid once said, let's go get some answers.

Question: When did you and Thomas first get to know each other, and how?

Answer: It was years ago, when the series premiered on TFOU. There were a lot of people complaining on twitter that the characters of the show were in 3D instead of in 2D, and I answered one of Thomas' tweets saying that characters' butts looked better in 3D rather than in 2D (yeah, I had a terrible sense of humor back then, glad I don't do that anymore) and he answered "yeah we could say that lol". Then, it became a running gag between us on the web, and we met for the first time at a french convention called Japan Tours, the 2015 one. So yeah, I think it was when I was... 20/21 years old, something like that.

Question: It's okay. We've all been cringe at some point in their lives. Did you two meet up again after the convention?

Answer: Yup. In fact, after the convention, he sent me a friend request on Facebook. Then, we chatted for a bit and he asked me if I wanted to be a model for him, and I met him for the second time during that model session.

Question: How did Thomas approach you about creating a character in his show based on you?

Answer: So, it was after I modeled for him. It happened after S1 has ended, so when we were chatting, he asked me which one was my favorite character. I answered Nathaniel, because at this time I felt quite close to this one (we love the angsty artist boy lmao). He told me that he didn't understand people liking Nath because he found it was a very empty character aha, but then he told me that they were searching for inspiration to create a boyfriend for him. He told me he wanted the persons to be happy that he got a boyfriend and that they would “stop bothering him with Nathaniel”, and as he wanted to take inspiration on someone looking androgynous he thought I was a good inspiration, so I accepted.

Question: Interesting story. Didn't know Nathaniel was so popular before Season 2. Did you have any input in the creation of Marc in terms of stuff like his design or personality?

Answer: Yeah he rather was, I remember a lot of people wanted to see more of him ehe. Not at all, I even though that he was joking on the moment, then one day he sent me Marc's characters sheet. I had the same haircut back in the day. Also, I was always wearing armor rings and I was wearing those kind of rings when I had this conversation with him, and he told me that Marc was going to have one of those as his miraculous. I was also still writing a lot back in the days, so I guess he still did took some stuff there and there in my personality to create him.

Question: You mean this design?

Answer: Yup! I was wearing only black sooo yeah the red and rainbow wasn't in my wardrobe aha.

Question: Do you know why they made the design rainbow themed?

Answer: Nah, he didn't told me :/ My guess is to make him more LGBT+ themed...

Question: Okay, sorry. Next question: What are your thoughts on Marc as a character? What do you think of his relationship with Nathaniel and his respective villain and hero forms, Reverser and Rooster Bold?

Answer: To be honest, when he first appeared, I really liked him. I thought he had a lot of potential as a character, his villain form was really cool and I really liked the ideas behind him, and I liked the relationship that he got with Nathaniel, from enemies to associates ehe. But after that... meh. There wasn't nothing much on the LGBT+ relationship with Nathaniel (we had to wait until the end of season 5 to see them hold hands... wow), and I didn't really find myself anymore in his character. I liked the design of his hero form and I liked the concept of his power, but like the other heroes that appeared during this episode, we didn't see Rooster Bold that much and I think that doesn't really make him feel appealing. I have the feeling that Marc and many other side characters could be way more develop in very cool subthemes but this is never really done in the series. Instead, now, they are just the characters getting out a whiteboard and giving terrible ideas to Marinette for her to date Adrien =="

Question: Just for fun, do you have any personal headcanons for Marc?

Answer: Well of course ehe, I have ton of those :D

Mmmh... For example, I think he is a dog person, that he's also fond of fashion such as Marinette but that he just don't have the patience to learn how to draw and how to design clothes... Also have the headcanon that him and Nath often meet at one of their places to do some little workshops together to work on their series and on tons of other projects :D

Got also tons of headcanon for future!Marc, such as him being a model for lgbt+ brands and Nath designing his clothes, I would love to see this shy patootie being at the front of the spotlight ehe, full of confidence and all :D There's tons of ideas to have with this character, I remember when I saw lots of artists drawing him with alternate clothes back in the day, such as shishitsunari or hazy (will try to find them back but it's been a while lol). I wish those clothing styles would be canon, with Marc rocking those kind of genderless clothes.

Links to fanart of Marc with different outfits: (https://www.deviantart.com/hazydayclouds/art/72918-756895643) and (https://ladyofacat.tumblr.com/post/176231424098/rises-from-the-underworld-marc-is-perfect-i-want)

Question: This one's a little tough, so if you don't want to answer, that's perfectly fine. What exactly went down before Thomas blocked you? Did you have any conversation online or in real life regarding the use of the Rising Sun Flag in "Ephemeral", or did Thomas just block you with no warning?

Answer: Honestly ? Blocked me without any warning. We were talking less and less, and, since I have affective dependancy, I had the feeling that I said / done something wrong. He was often answering only when I was defending him on social medias during these times. But we didn't have any harsh conversation from what I recall. So, I did the tweet about ephemeral, pointing out the use of the rising sun flag, and, well, maybe he had a plugin on twitter that blocked everyone using the term "flag", and maybe it blocked me automatically. The thing is : he has my number, he has my address (well, my old address now, lol). He had many ways to tell me this was a misunderstanding and that he didn't want to block me. He didn't call me, didn't send me any text after that to talk about it, so he clearly didn't want to make anything to sort out the problem. To this day, he still hasn't send me any message to talk about it. He commented on some of my facebook posts I did last year (I posted some makeups I did for my school) just saying it was cool, so... Yeah, not the type of friend I want to keep. I still have him as a friend on FB if I ever get the guts to try to send him a message to tell him everything that was wrong towards me and towards other people, but I clearly have other things to deal with lately.

Question: So he blocked you and didn't say anything else?

Answer: Yup, exactly, blocked me and didn't say anything else :/ After years of supporting him lmao.

Question: I'm really sorry to hear that. And you still haven't heard from him after all this time?

Answer: Well, apart from some comments he made on my facebook posts (I posted my makeup from my makeup school and he commented "very nice!") nothing at all. But honestly I'm not too bothered by that. I heard new stuff that he did prior and I really don't think it's a good idea that I interact with him again. I keep him in my facebook friends because maybe one day I'll send him a message to try to confront him, telling him that he had a very terrible behavior towards me and other people... But not today, I have other stuff to deal with.

Question: Despite everything that's happened between you and Thomas, do you still keep up with Miraculous Ladybug? If so, what do you think of it?

Answer:

Well, I've kept up with it because I still have lots of friends who are watching it (for example Octolady, Kogenta and Candy...), and they help me keep a little hype.

So I watched the episodes... There are some stuff that I like. There's good LGBT+ representation, and I like seeing an international known cartoon doing that (especially a french one since we have lots of far-right rising lately).

But honestly, I don't have the same hype as before. At the beginning, I was hyped because S1 looked awesome and had lots of cool fights, lots of wholesome characters and all, but the animation problems and differences are really making me bothered. Also, I have the feeling there's a lot of characters who could be more elaborated and who aren't, and... That's kinda sad, because there's a lot of topics that could be explored thanks to them and not just brushed off in one episode.

Plus, to be honest, I didn't really like the ending of S5. And I don't like the idea of it going on for seasons and seasons and seasons, milked until there's nothing more for it. The fewer the better in my mind...

I also seen the movie and didn't really liked it. Too much fanservice and didn't really made sense. The animation was nice, though.

Honestly, I love the writing team, they are wholesome people and they are doing their best for this show, but people like Thomas and Zag are the kind of people I don't want to support anymore. So yeah... To sum it up : still watching it from afar to see if nice stuff is happening, been pleased with some little stuff, displeased with a lot more, but I don't think I'll keep watching it both because I'm not that hyped up anymore and because I don't want to support anymore these 2 people. I supported Thomas too much before, was too attached to him and was a terrible person towards fans who didn't deserved it because I was too blind, so yeah, won't happen anymore.

Still, I'm glad there's still some people who are fans of Marc and who felt helped thanks to this character. I really hope he will have a better representation in the future (clear relationship with Nath, maybe even some trans / non-binary representation ?) in order to inspire young people.

----------------------------------------------------------

I'd like to personally thank Hope for being willing to answer my questions, and I highly reccommend giving their Instagram a follow.

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #thomas astruc #thomas astruc salt #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug salt #marc anciel #rooster bold #reverser

[eyehearthoshi]

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ bang chan as enfj tropes

pairing ⟢ bang chan x gn!reader

warnings ⟢ mbti stuff lol. generalizations about enfjs and chan (i don’t know him personally obviously). not proofread oops!

wc ⟢ 949 (she short sorry)

author’s note ⟢ chan is pretty much the biggest enfj who ever enfj-ed so i knew i needed to make something mbti related for him!! mbti is a BIG hyperfixation of mine and i’ll probably do these for other idols in the future. i apologize in advance!

(this post inspired me to research more into mbti tropes)

➊ matchmaker crush aka the main character tries to help another character get with a love interest but oops!! the main character starts falling in love with the one they are helping…

oh i can see this clear as day because chan is very focused on helping other people. (i’m pretty sure he’s said before that he likes feeling needed by others??) so imagine if you came up to him asking for help with wooing your crush, he’d be so ready because you’re his friend!!! and he wants you to be happy!!!

and so he’s trying to set up situations where your crush could bump into you on “accident” and you can spend time with them (walks in the park, coffee shop hangouts, etc.) he’s talking you up to your crush when you aren’t there to show them how awesome you are. that kind of stuff.

problem is, he’s simultaneously realizing how awesome you are.

like he already knew how cool of a friend you are, but now he’s thinking about how cool of a s/o you would be.

i think he would freak out a little bit, not because he is uncomfortable with these type of feelings, but because you trusted him with helping and now he’s out here with the biggest heart eyes for you.

enfj’s dominant function is fe or extroverted feeling which means that they often prioritize others’ wants and needs before their own. chan would probably hold back his own feelings for as long as he could because he knows you want to be with someone else.

chan would kinda be jealous of you hanging out with your crush, but he hates feeling that way cause he thinks he’s being selfish.

(obviously this could end in angst with chan still loving you as you fall in love with another OR…it could end happily because i said so!! there is too much sadness in the world ok we are getting a happy ending!!)

maybe you saw how much effort chan put into helping you and how much he cares about your happiness and you’re suddenly like “who did i have a crush on again?” you realize you’d rather be hanging out with chan instead of the person you used to like.

you’d definitely have to be the one to confess on this one because chan doesn’t want to jeopardize the relationship you already have (plus, you know, he thinks you like someone else).

he’d probably be so shocked and happy when you told him!! like finally he can share all the feelings he’s been hiding from you! we just need more stories where the enfj isn’t the second lead ok i said it!!

➋ can dish it out, but can’t take it aka main character is a coy flirt with their s/o, but if their s/o flirts back they get flustered af

yeah, everyone, i didn’t actually find the real names for these tropes, but you know what i’m talking about right??

chan sometimes flirts with stays but the second anyone compliments him, he is suddenly bashful. i feel like this would easily translate over in his romantic life too.

enfjs are pretty good at appearing calm and cool when they’re actually nervous inside so chan is probably always a little flustered when he’s flirting with you, but this flustered feeling only gets worse when you decide to flirt back.

like imagine him saying cheesy pickup lines to you all day and giggling at your reactions, but the second you turn around and hit him with a “are you a camera? cause all i can do is smile when i see you” or a “you got a map? because i’m getting lost in your eyes” he would melt.

listen, i think chan is fully aware of his powers of flirtation, but i don’t think he would know how to respond if you took the upper hand and made him blush. he is a soft boy at his core, he told me so!

❸ knight in shining armor aka the main character likes playing the role of the protector and is always ready to defend their s/o

enfjs embody this trope because they aren’t afraid to protect and defend the people they care about (which is all people honestly lol). chan definitely gives me these vibes.

all i can think of when i picture chan and this trope is that one concert where he got so emotional and cried while talking about how he’d always protect stays. like yeah if you don’t think he’d have the same energy multiplied by ten for his s/o then i don’t know what to tell ya…

i don’t think this protectiveness stems from paranoia or anything. i moreso see it as enfj’s response to caring deeply about someone. as i mentioned, enfjs love people and they would truly defend strangers. so, when enfjs have someone who is special to them, they can’t help but feel this pull to be protective over them.

also, i must say that i don’t think chan would be one of those “protective” bfs that is actually toxic and possessive. no no, he’d be more the type to have you call him while you walk to your car at night so he knows you’re safe or the one to notice if you’re not feeling well before you do and offer to get you medicine/take you home/etc.

chan seems like someone who notices small things about people and uses that to be tuned in to other’s emotions. if you were dating him, he would definitely give you his jacket when you are cold. just remember to hold his hand to warm him up in return <3

#stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids x reader #skz #skz imagines #skz x reader #stray kids reactions #skz reactions #bang chan #bang chan x reader #bang chan imagines #kpop #kpop x reader #kpop imagines #kpop reactions #emisastay #emwritesiguess

[waltwhitmansbeard]

a my fair lady playlist

a year ago today i posted the first chapter of my fair lady, which was supposed to be a little thing that i just needed to get out of my head after reading @romeoandjulietyouwish's for the love of a princess. 144 chapters and one year of obsession later, what i got is my biggest writing project to date. it was also my first real foray into the cr fandom, which has since become, frankly, the biggest part of my life, and i'm just endlessly grateful to each of you who read and interacted with mfl in any way. i'm so lucky to have gotten to share this with all of you.

so to celebrate, i have assembled a way-too-long playlist inspired by the events of mfl. the songs represent the moments and feelings that most stood out to me (or that i could find an appropriate song for, lol). it was fun trying to remember everything that happened (as of rn the entire fic is 450 pages in google docs so...there's a lot) and piece together the story through song. i've written a little blurb to justify each choice in the cut below, but you can listen to the playlist on spotify here! thanks again for sticking around!

1. "My Fair Lady" - KALEO as the song from which i took all the titles for the series, i couldn't not start off with this one. i can't even hear this song now without thinking of mfl.

2. "Security" - Joss Stone since this is a song about being there for a friend in a time of crisis, i thought it was the perfect choice for the beginning of keyleth and percy's lifelong friendship. percy showed up in zephrah traumatized and barely holding it together, and keyleth was the rock that kept him from collapsing.

3. "Best of Friends" - Pearl Bailey marisha put this one on one of her keyleth playlists to represent keyleth and percy, and she was right! is there any better song for those two growing up as best friends?

4. "Fountain" - Sara Lov keyleth grew up under the shadow of her mother's loss and the pressure of a nation's expectations. someone give this child a BREAK!

5. "Uptown Girl" - Billy Joel oh, you think this is about vax and keyleth? WRONG. percy is an uptown girl and vex is his downtown man coming to shake his world.

6. "Stay Awake" - London Grammar how many nights did keyleth and vax stay up with the moon, learning to love each other? who did they become with no one but the shadows and each other to watch them grow?

7. "goodnight n go" - Ariana Grande this song just gives me such intense vex vibes. she wants so bad to get percy out from under her skin but no dice, he's there to stay.

8. "Foolish Thing" - Darren Criss vax knows that he absolutely cannot be catching feelings for the princess for any number of reasons. but that doesn't stop him from being a dumbfuck in love!

9. "Sacrilege" - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs keyleth knows that she absolutely cannot be catching feelings for her guard for any number of reasons. but that doesn't stop her from being a dumbfuck in love!

10. "You Get Me" - Michelle Branch even though she grew up royalty, keyleth never felt like she fit in in her own world. she was always different, out of place. but vax sees her strange edges and knows the shape they make.

11. "Dreams" - Caroline Glaser keyleth is down bad! she can't sleep without vax there, and vax is more than happy to reassure her that she's it for him.

12. "Take Me to Church" - Hozier this is my pick for some night just seem forever lasting, because if there's one thing vax is gonna do it's worship on his knees at keyleth's altar.

13. "Holy" - King Princess keyleth is busy with a nation and a war but she has time at the end of the day to fuck her man, and that's what really matters.

14. "Into You" - Ariana Grande this one is for the true sluts of the castle, vex and percy. stay horny, you absolute lovesick fools.

15. "River of Tears" - Alessia Cara just absolute depression and forlorn longing from vax and keyleth both when they're forced to be apart. drama queens, the both of them.

16. "The Lightning Strike (Part I: What If This Storm Ends?)" - Snow Patrol remember that time keyleth summoned lightning and used it to strike a bunch of attackers dead? so do i, and so does vax. it was his first time being confronted with the possibilities of the wild power she wields, and it definitely isn't something he was ever going to forget.

17. "Rich Youth" - Hayley Kiyoko keyleth and tiberius were both raised in the shadow of powerful fathers, and they came together to advocate for a future that represents the nations they want to lead.

18. "My Immortal" - Evanescence thank you to @ravendruid for the suggestion! does anything say vaxleth more than melodramatic longing? this song is for all the lingering heartbreak as they tried (and ultimately failed) to stay apart for so long.

19. "I Don't Mind" - Darren Criss one of my favorite pieces of writing from mfl was keyleth's proposal to vax. he's so convinced that she'd be better off without him, and all she wants to do is convince him that he's worth all the trouble waiting them.

20. "Love Story" - Taylor Swift forgive me for adding taylor swift to this list but you gotta admit, it's very appropriate for the vaxleth wedding.

21. "Dancing in the Rain" - Johannes Bornlöf let me be indulgent! this is the song i picked to play while reading the wedding chapter, so ofc it makes the list.

22. "The Deal" - Mitski thank you to @crispysnake for the suggestion! i mean, this is absolutely vax carrying his dead wife's body beneath the castle and striking a deal with the raven queen to bring her back. it's like it's what the song was written for.

23. "Castle" - Halsey just big keyleth charging to the throne room to demand her father release vax energy with this one.

24. "Growing, Growing, Gone" - Theo Katzman korrin was confronted very suddenly with the reality that his little girl wasn't a little girl anymore. she has a whole life ahead of her that is outside of him, and that's hard for a dad to come to terms with.

25. "Kiki (feat. Iron and Wine)" - Rett Madison y'all, the way i SCREAMED when i first heard this song on rett's new album!!! i just imagine vilya trying to reach out to keyleth, to let her know that she's been watching and of course, of course she's proud of her, of course she approves of vax, of course she wants nothing more than for her baby girl to happy.

26. "Wildflowers (Tom Petty Cover)" - Miley Cyrus this song makes me thing of the little cottage on the hill, and of korrin's wish for his daughter to have a place where she feels free. he knows that the castle has never really felt like her home, and so he gives her and her new husband a place they can build a home for themselves.

27. "Bubbly" - Colbie Caillat this song is just the pinnacle of happy love. it's vax and keyleth waking up in their bed, in their house, in their love's arms. it's happiness.

28. "Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5 remember that time vex was like "this was fun but i gotta go home" and percy was like "but what if i was home?" and fluttered his lashes like a harlot? me too.

29. "Family Tree" - Matthew West pending fatherhood is terrifying, especially when your own father is a sack of shit. of course vax would doubt his own ability to be for his child what syldor couldn't be for him and vex.

30. "A Woman's Work" - Kate Bush the definitive anthem for women creating life. keyleth is a goddess for so many reason but especially for making a literal person.

31. "Dear Theodosia" - Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton just DAD feelings up in this bitch! vax is a dad and korrin is a dad and percy (eventually) is a dad! also there's a new nation coming just around the corner! the perfect song!

32. "Brother Run Fast" - KALEO to me, this song represents vax and percy's understanding that the horrors of percy's past are coming for vax's present, and the two of them will stop at nothing to fix what was broken. they are both desperate for forgiveness they do not need, and they are both determined to keep the other on course.

33. "Yours & Mine" - Lucy Dacus imagine telling keyleth of the air ashari to sit at home while her family and friends venture out to save her daughter's life. IMAGINE!

34. "Trials - Demo" - London Grammar what is keyleth and vax's relationship if not an endless gauntlet of trials from which they must continually find their way back to each other?

35. "Delilah" - Florence + the Machine this song is just...everything. it's delilah and sylas. it's cass and the ghosts of the castle she's caged in. it's vilya, crying out for her mother. it's keyleth, coming to kick ass with a daylight spell. it's percy, reclaiming what was his all along.

36. "Show Me the Way" - Styx vax went THRU IT during gocmh, and his turning to the raven queen was a move of absolute desperation. he needed his matron's guidance not only to get his daughter back, but to put the pieces of his life back together.

37. "Glory and Gore" - Lorde what can i say? vox machina fucks shit up.

38. "Work Song" - Hozier percy may die twice but that ain't gonna stop him from simping for vex.

39. "Happiness" - The Fray this song is about happiness, but it has such a melancholic sound to it, which really works for baby vilya's return to zephrah. yes she's home, which is an immense relief, but she's brought home to a tragedy. nothing is simple.

40. "Kingdom of One" - Maren Morris hey vallen: get fucked.

41. "Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" - Billy Joel this is, to me, the ultimate father-daughter song, and in the context of mfl it makes me think of the unfinished letter keyleth found in her father's room after his death. just a reminder that even after someone dies, their love for those they leave behind never will.

42. "Starts With Goodbye" - Carrie Underwood i don't know what it's like to fundamentally reshape the structure of an entire nation in order to secure a more stable future for your child, but i imagine it feels like this!

43. "Matchstick" - American Royalty thank you to @ravendruid for the suggestion! sometimes self-care is setting the man who murdered your parents and helped kidnap your daughter on fire.

44. "Chords" - The Amazing Devil parents play such a big part in the story of mfl. the absence of keyleth's mother, the fact that her father is also a king, korrin being a father to percy, the twins confronting the father they fled, and of course, vaxleth and perc'ahlia becoming parents themselves. if there's anything they can take away from all of the heartbreak, it's wanting the best for their children, at the cost of everything else.

45. "Everywhere, Everything" - Noah Kahan had to end on some noah kahan in order to keep @crispysnake from gnawing at the bars of their enclosure. again, just the absolute vaxleth melodrama of "wanna love you til we're food for the worms to eat, til our fingers decompose." disgusting. i love them so much.

#my fair lady #critical role #mfl 1yr

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

Hi, do you take requests for x readers? Im really wanting some natemare x reader (they/she pronouns) fluffy cuddles maybe a cute date? Protective and mildly possessive Mare has my heart lol hes so precious and i love him, maybe its a date and Mare left to get drinks or something and a creep wouldnt leave y/n alone so Mare has to step in etc? Its okay if not that and its okay if you dont write x readers too ^-^ thanks :P

Call me Lyxie or Lyx ^-^

(for anon, ill be either Lyxie/Lyx or ^-^ anon if theyre free :P)

Weeeeell, this is a tiny bit awkward, considering the role I wrote Natemare into for Goretober 2022 (sue me, I took inspiration from FNAF lore.) But I'm still happy to write for him again! I really appreciate your patience. Hope it's okay!

(I am SO, SO, SO SORRY this took such an incredibly long time to post! The Goretober stuff and my last-minute Halloween Special Story had already been keeping me busy, AND THEN CHRISTMAS SEASON CAUGHT ME SO OFF-GUARD THAT MY HEAD IS STILL SPINNING FROM IRL CHAOS. I guess I should've expected that, because Christmas is always like that, but whatever.)

(Also, this is kind of my first time writing an x reader type story, or one specifically in a romantic sense, at least. So, sorry if this comes across a bit awkwardly 😅)

(Trigger Warnings: alcohol, eating/drinking, unwanted advances/creepy behavior, body horror, slight physical violence, strong language. Please let me know if I missed anything.)

___

You can be described as someone who’s skilled in rolling with the punches.

Now, rolling with the punches doesn’t always mean being able to understand things that really aren’t meant to be understood, but it seems you’ve got a certain knack. 

If you didn’t, then how else would you have found yourself in a nice relationship with a banshee-esque spirit?

Yeah, your and Mare’s first meeting had been a little awkward, considering you’d been sabotaging a cult that was trying to hold blood rituals in his adopted brother’s name, but you two still became fast friends afterwards. (‘Matter of fact, the adopted brother in question is a pretty chill guy, too. Shockingly chill for an eldritch abomination in disguise, at least.) 

Really, dating Mare has helped open up more of reality to you. Pretty much every aspect of the human world has a counterpart for no-so-human entities. (Yes, you sort of already knew about that, but thanks to Mare, you’ve been able to actually explore it for yourself.)

For example: the setting of your latest date. 

Holy Water Distilling Co. was one of many establishments owned and controlled in Phantom’s domain. 

By day, it was a tidy bar offering a pool table in one corner and a stage in the other. 

By night, it was. . .well, the same thing. The only parts of it to change were the clientele, as well as certain items on the menu. 

One particular evening, Mare just so happened to be up on the aforementioned stage, alongside a few of his musician-buddies. You, meanwhile, were seated at the counter, watching and listening as he performed.

(Not that you minded this arrangement. Mare’s affinity for music was what you initially bonded with him over, after all. You’d tagged along on his gigs before, and he’d never failed to make it a good time.)

Patiently waiting for him to wrap up his band’s last song so you two could enjoy the rest of the night together. . . 

“Y’know, it’s always easy to find some nice toys in this place,” an unfamiliar voice whispers from just a few seats away. “But I never thought I’d see a worthwhile human around here.” 

. . .and trying your absolute damnedest to ignore the stranger who just couldn’t seem to take a hint.

Similarly to Mare and Phantom, the stranger in question could almost pass for a human. Just not at the moment, since he’d obviously taken off whatever disguising veil he used (those were pretty popular among this crowd for many reasons). 

His eyes bulged from their sockets, lacking both pupils and irises. Just two orbs a little larger than the average tennis ball, coming in a shade of dark pink that looked more toxic than fluorescent, ever-so-slightly rolling around in his head as he stared at you. The grin he aimed in your direction would’ve been creepy even without his particular mouthful of oily-looking needle-teeth. 

You ground your jaw, feeling one of your hands curl into a fist on the bar counter. 

The bug-eyed stranger seemed to catch onto that body language. Though you didn’t look at him, your peripheral vision still allowed you to see how his smile fell. 

“What? I don’t get any gratitude for the compliment?” Mr. Bug-Eyes asked, his voice changing from smug to indignant in a heartbeat. 

“If you really think that being called a toy is a compliment,” you finally murmur in a clipped tone, “then you’re in for a rude awakening.”

“Oh, c’mon. I know what girls like,” Mr. Bug-Eyes retorted. “I’ll just never understand why you’re all so repressed.”

“I think you’re mistaking repression for self-respect,” you observed. 

You kept your focus on the stage, on Mare and his bandmates. You knew they were on their last song for the night’s performance. The music was winding down, but it was still awesome as ever. He’d asked for your help with lyrics and fine-tuning a good few times in the past, and that had been flattering enough.

But the fact that he was having such a good time singing the stuff that you helped him decide on. . .well, you weren’t sure when you’d stop riding that high, but you certainly weren’t complaining. 

“Fine, fine. I get it: you don’t want things to move so fast,” Mr. Bug-Eyes piped up again, nudging his bar stool a few inches closer to you. He didn’t seem to notice how you automatically nudged your own chair a few inches further away. “Can’t I just get your number, honey? It’s clear you need someone to talk to.”

“I’ve already got that covered,” you replied. “That’s how having friends works.” 

“That’s big talk for someone who’s here all alone,” Mr. Bug-Eyes sneered. 

You feel your knuckles turn white. “I’m not alone.”

“Well, if that’s the case, your company isn’t paying enough attention to you.”

“That’s none of your damn business,” you hiss, trying to keep your voice down. Yeah, you weren’t shy about potentially clocking this guy in the chin if he tried anything, but you still didn’t want to cause a scene. Not when Mare was wrapping up his gig, so close to finally coming offstage and continuing his date with you. “I already told you: I’m. Not. Interested. If you were half the guy you think you are, you would’ve left me alone after the first time.”

Mr. Bug-Eyes gave a melodramatic sigh, and a sickeningly sweet smell permeated the air around you. It almost instantly caused the first stage of a migraine to flare along the bridge of your nose. You shook your head, blinking as your eyes grew watery way faster than necessary.

A chill raced down your spine as you registered the weight of a hand on your head, ruffling your hair.

You jerked back, slapping it away. “Get away from me!”

The quick motion, combined with the smell, caused you to lose your balance. However, instead of collapsing onto the floor, you felt yourself being caught. Despite your now hazy vision, it took no time at all for you to recognize the colorful tattoos adorning your rescuer’s arms. 

Relief sliced through the awful type of adrenaline that was thrumming through your head. 

From there, things moved pretty fast. 

The environment around you was a blur as clouds of dark violet smoke poured from Mare’s eyes, from his mouth, through his skin itself.  

Mare guided one of your arms to rest along his shoulder, helping you to keep up with his pace. 

Cool nighttime air rushed past the two of you; you almost didn’t notice the deep whooshing sound of a heavy glass door being swung open. 

And before you knew it, you were suddenly sitting down again. The weight of Mare’s arm was still around your waist.

“Deep breaths. Take deep breaths,” Mare coached. There was a slight echo in his voice; his pitch seemed a bit all over the place. That always seemed to happen whenever he had too much energy, good or bad. 

You nodded, following those instructions. You raised a hand to knead at your temple. Then, after a moment of scrubbing at your eyes, you realized that you were now in a completely different part of the downtown area. If memory served, you were now a far distance away from Holy Water Distilling Co.

“Are you okay?” Mare asked, keeping a firm yet gentle hold on your hand. 

You finally looked over at him. His eyes were pitch-black, the purple tear tracks on his face now branching out like veins or tree roots. His skin had turned a deathly shade of gray; if you looked closely enough, you could almost see the shapes of his teeth and skull through the barrier. 

Despite his obvious anger, concern and fear were still present in his features. 

“I’m okay. I’m okay,” you eventually reassured him. Your head still felt a little funny, but now that you were away from the scent, your senses were much clearer. You didn’t hesitate to hug him, resting your head on his shoulder. He returned the gesture tenfold, sighing. 

The minutes dragged along, but you didn’t mind. 

“Whoever that idiot was, I think I’m gonna have to kill him,” Mare murmured after you pulled away. The edge in his voice had died down a bit, and his features were slowly but surely turning less ghoulish, but his eyes remained dark. 

“I won’t stop you,” you hummed, having long-since grown accustomed to his more monstrous side, “but could that wait a bit? Just until tomorrow?” 

Mare squinted at you, understandably incredulous. 

You shrugged. “I mean, you seemed really excited about the movie. The screening’s supposed to start in about. . .” You glanced down to check the clock on your phone, “. . .twenty minutes from now, I think.”

Mare’s eyes widened as a surprised snicker escaped his lips. “Priorities, priorities.”

You tilted your head as you rose from the sidewalk bench. “Consider it your reward for rescuing the damsel in distress.”

“Well, when you put it like that. . .” Mare was quick to follow, locking arms with you as you began strolling together.

#the edgelord gets fed #writing requests #my writing #my stories #natemare #nathan sharp #natewantstobattle #lyxie/lyx #tw eating/drinking #tw slight physical violence #tw body horror #tw alcohol

[candyfloss-esophagus]

CRYING WOLF FOR ASK GAME!!!! GIMME ALL THE INFORMATION!!!!

Okay I'm just gonna spam you with asks here so feel free to ignore them if it's too much <3

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 (don't think I've forgotten about the post you made mentioning an alternate ending! 👀👀👀) 10, 11, 13, 14 and 15

Hope this isn't too much! (like I said feel free to ignore these if that's the case!)

I remember you mentioned something about making a lore post about stuff that didn't get put in the fic and maybe you could combine them? If you still feel like making it that is <3 (seriously I still love that fic so much!!!!)

Alright buckle up boys this is gonna get LONG. @voidpants since you sent me an ask with a couple of these in, I'll combine them here <3

This probably goes without saying but there are extreme spoilers for crying wolf below the cut

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? My recent obsession with vivisection, dissection and cannibalism <33 I know I'm very good at falling into stereotypes and I'm your local transmasc butch unhealthily obsessed with cannibalism <33333

The noirpunk server did, in all honesty. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

2: What scene did you first put down? The very first scene! I write generally chronologically, unless there's something I'm raring to get down!

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? He pulls back, unable to staunch the hysterical giggles building in his chest, and they tumble free like the intestines of a mutilated fox at the side of a road -- all bloody ropes thick with mucus.

I just like this comparison lol. A close second would be the line about Peter's organs being better to eat than the pigeon.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? “Oh, I know you’re on the square, doll. I don’t think you’ve ever lied to me.” 

I really love this line because I love blatant foreshadowing. But also because in the previous line, Hobie really wasn't lying (as is shown later on).

5: What part was hardest to write? The scene directly before the first cannibalism scene. I'm never too sure how to draw it out and build the tension in the proper way and I'm not entirely too sure I managed it.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? It's absolutely dripping with paranoia, a lot of what is drawn from my own paranoia (where are my insane babes at ik we're around here somewhere). And also it's one of my most violent fics. Didn't tend to write it before now but I'm really enjoying messing around with it now!

7: Where did the title come from? I was brainstorming with myself after I told the people in the discord that I would try to write something approximating what we'd cooked up together and it took a while (probably about half an hour) before I hit on the story of the boy who cried wolf.

In this context, the boy crying wolf is Peter, whose spider senses are so fucked up that he tends to ignore them when he implicitly trusts people -- which means that when that person isn't in their right state of mind, he dismisses any notion that there might be something wrong.

Simultaneously, the crying wolf is Hobie, who is by far the more dangerous one of them, having been possessed by an actual murderous cannibalistic alien, but who is in much more denial about it. (Literally in the scene where he kills and eats Peter, he refuses to accept what's happened, whereas Peter just told him that it was going to be okay. Both of them are Fucked Up okay.)

Anyway this was a long-winded way of saying that it came from a children's story lol

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it? Yeah!!! In the early days of the noirpunk discord server, we were chucking around the vague idea of symbiote Hobie, throwing out a few vignette scenes and pieces of dialogue, and it was so compelling to me that I said I'd take a crack at it, so here we are! Thanks guys!

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? AHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHA

Yes. I have an alternate ending kicking around in my head at the moment that I'll probably start with once I'm finished with whumptober and another couple of things I've promised people I'll do </3 the adhd is real you guys

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? UM?? BECAUSE NOIRPUNK????????

Because this idea was thought up in the noirpunk server with noirpunk in mind and it would have been a disservice to write this pairing as anything other than noirpunk. And also I wanted to give Peter more cannibalism trauma. And at the moment noirpunk is the only thing keeping me sane (which I mean in a very real and worrying way. We ball.)

11: What do you like best about this fic? I got to write cannibalism under the guise of love :>

Also very proud that I came up with the acronym for the D.O.R.M.A.N.T symbiotes

12: What do you like least about this fic? Um. Am I allowed to say my writing. If not, then I know there are plotholes and pieces of lore about the worlds and the symbiotes that don't make sense. Consider: I wanted to write cannibalism.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? I listened to a lot of Tunng, Troy Kingi and Arab Strap!!

Mostly from Tunng I was listening to a lot of their album Dead Club and out of those were my favourites of Eating the Dead, Man and also Woman (the last two of which are spoken word poems but I choose to treat them as music because they are <333)

Troy Kingi specifically Sleep (Slumber), First Take Strut, and No Reason to 2nd Guess M.G.

Arab Strap specifically The Turning of our Bones, Here Comes Comus! and The Fable of the Urban Fox.

Sleep (Slumber) was looped specifically for scenes where I needed them to be soft with each other. The Turning of our Bones was looped specifically for the cannibalism. Please watch the music video (don't if you're sensitive to gore) because it's actually one of my favourite things in the world.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic? HUNGER AS A METAPHOR FOR DEVOTION. or there might just be a parasite eating your brain lol

Just kidding. Hm. Sometimes we go through something in our lives that's horrific. And we're trying to process it and not getting anywhere because it's so huge that our brains can't wrap themselves around it. Most of the time, we start to convince ourselves that it's us at the core of the problem. Sometimes we are. But to peel back the layers and get to the actual center, there are almost always outside forces that influence us into certain behaviours/choices that we regret later. And that's part of being human!

I'm not saying that you have a parasite in your brain that's making you eat your romantically inclined partner. I'm saying that the love shown in crying wolf is a relatively equal balance of give and take. They try to be as their worlds have shown them that love is, they're unlearning some of the more detrimental things, they're learning and growing together. They take steps back from each other when they need to and try to navigate their situations as well as they can. Idk.

Forgiveness is probably one of the main themes here. Please be gentle with yourself. It's so so important that you are.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic? That I really enjoy writing cannibalism. And that I need to watch a hell of a lot of 30s nyc films and 70s london films because I STILL don't have their turns of phrases down and it's annoying me.

And to take the leap (haha itsv references). This fic was very overwhelming for me at first because I don't tend to write very fast-paced or violent stuff. But I really enjoy reading it and so I really wanted to write it! Even if it isn't that great, I had a blast writing it!

Thank you for sending this ask in!! It's been really good to look past the writing into the inner mechanics of what makes it tick! (And I promise that I'll have that lore post up sometime!! I have not forsaken you!)

Edit: just realised you skipped 12 in your request but in my defence I'm not wearing my glasses and sort of assumed you asked about everything whoops

#sorry about the lack of life on my writing fronts at the moment #life's thrown me a good few curveballs recently #i am but a small lad <3 #esophagus speaks #ask game #ask answered #fiepige #voidpants #crying wolf #hobie brown #peter benjamin parker #noirpunk #atsv #on writing #behind the scenes with esophagus

[caffernnn]

One thing that made free interesting to me was that from episode 1 it's like the opposite of a classic sports anime. the protagonist DOESN'T want to be in a sports anime and everyone else around him is trying to make him become one. like this was the central conflict of s2 (and i thought the resolution of s2 was kinda weak but overall better than FS2 by miles lol). after s2 all of haru's struggle and identity and conflict goes away and is focused on competitive swimming, training to compete, etc and haru's fully into it. it felt like a lot of the interpersonal relationships and inner conflicts took a backseat to the sport, rather than being the center of the story with the sport as the vehicle to convey it... imo by making free more like a typical sports anime where the main goal is to win (? I guess?) a lot of what made fr special in the first place (the characters and their relationships) fell flat

Yeah I completely get that! Part of the appeal is that from the start it feels like a story about wanting to be understood and connect with others genuinely/deeply, and season one hops in when the main group has lost any sense of that because of a complicated past with a sport. It’s interesting because we aren’t given a cast of jocks already deep into a “ball is life, sport is life” hyperfocus, we are given a group of guys (some best friends, some old friends, some soon-to-be friends, some ex-friends) and are asked to watch them rediscover what once made them all drawn to swimming together, and redefine what swimming can mean to them now, as an act of sportsmanship and deep connection. It didn’t have to be swimming, it didn’t have to be a sport, but there had to be something to bring them all together to challenge and inspire and support each other, and it all beautifully happened to come together in a pool because of their own individual connections/experiences with water and the memories of love/passion (of all sorts) connected to it. You get invested because you see from day one that Haru doesn’t want all perceptions of him to be tied to how efficiently or beautifully he swims, and you keep sticking around because all of the characters start to come forward with all of the things that make them unique, eventually informing their teamwork in and out of the pool. That’s why I’m here, at least — I got entranced by the characters and their connections with each other.

When the story starts to shift its focus with the conclusion of S2 with Haru coming to the decision to go to Tokyo and try out the competitive world, it feels weird because all of the concerns that kept him from putting all of his eggs in that basket from the get go seem to get sidelined. He had real fears and concerns when it came to planning a future around swimming, because he knew from experience that you don’t survive that world on athletic prowess alone. You have to have a certain level of grit, of perseverance, and of secure support so that you don’t fall apart immediately. When he chooses Tokyo, I didn’t want to think of that as an abandonment of all of these past fears (and still lingering fears, as we know now), but like… a chance to tell a new story? How he’s willing to give this all a chance because there’s some plan or confidence in figuring out a plan. That he’s working on communicating with his friends more, checking in with each other to not drown alone in all of the new changes happening between them all. That he’s taking a moment to discover more about himself outside of swimming, still finding moments where he can to be a person outside of being an athlete, because it’s largely on him to ground himself with memories and people to create a work/life balance. Y’know, all of the stuff that gets put into post-ES and university au fics, and that showed up a liiiittle bit in s3.

That’s the hard part with Final Stroke, I think. You keep giving over faith to the story because Haru’s frustrated and earnest insistence to take on the world and keep his important bonds close at hand is alluring. The premise of Haru hearing Ikuya call him a hero, having to sit with that knowledge of how many of his friends look up to him (or once looked up to him) in that way, and now grappling with “oh, I chose a dream where I’m going to still have eyes looking up at me, every move I make influencing way more than just me” — that’s fascinating if handled with care! Does he still want to be an ordinary person, and what does it mean to be an ordinary person, really? How much of himself and his core values is he willing to examine, redefine, compromise, and/or let go in pursuit of this dream? Does he know he’s allowed to still change his dream? I was willing to head out the FS storyline, especially when it showed signs of “yeah, Haru’s going tf through it just like what a lot of y’all worried about happening” for the slim (but still present) chance that they’d entertain any of the previous questions. If you’re gonna show Haru, a person who has been steadily becoming more in tune with his convictions and what he wants out of life, get lost in tunnel vision and fall to pieces, you better be prepared to show me the lengths this guy and his core supports are willing to go to to create a new steady routine for this utter creature of habit. If you’re going to frame the story in a way that tries to push this dream being something he truly wants, then convince me.

The strongest parts by the end of the story are the domestic bits of camaraderie almost completely removed from the relay or competitions. Hell, there’s even more charm in the rehab and practices with Makoto and Nao, because they’re still goofing around with everyone and actively showing why their friendships are freakin magic. Those are the moments that make you believe that something awesome is happening by the time they’re in a pool together and making their dramatic proclamations of swimming for their bonds, and you let yourself get lost in the performance of it all. And that’s the thing!! I want to get lost in the friendship sauce and enjoy this movie!! I want it to feel like even if it’s not perfect or conclusive, it’s a send off that honors character progression in a semi-satisfying way. I want to spend time smiling about it in the aftermath and then creating to expand on joy. Currently, I’m operating on a mix of love and spite, and I’m understanding people’s draw to creating fix-it fics. I’ve spent days sitting and chewing on my opinion because I couldn’t bring myself to be comfortable with saying I was critical of it beyond a few conversations, but the time spent coming up with reasons to like it and convince myself that if I keep turning scenes from different angles and squinting that it’ll all make sense I think speaks for itself.

Like, I still want to talk about it and explore what can be said about the characters and their connections with the crumbs we were given. I came to the blorbo end-of-semester dance recital and I want to politely clap at the routine for their sake. I’m just not completely sold right now on what we were given without implanting a lot of outside assumptions and prior character knowledge/analyses in there to fill the holes.

#you get it #fs2 #final stroke spoilers #also it’s hard being a Makoto enjoyer when he was backstage for so much of this leg of Haru’s story #which YEAH WE CAN YELL ABOUT THAT SOON #I just. hmm. they reeled me back into blorbo spamming out of spite #we’ll get through this. canon isn’t invited to the next brunch with the fr! moots #thanks for sending!! #suhmayzooka

[fullmoonandstar]

who's the australian dude?

Glad you asked XD And I will take this chance to also bring this full circle and tell you why you will probably see or at least hear him in Deadpool 3.

(This is about that post)

So, out of all my celebrity crushes, he is both, the most realistic and the most unrealistic at the same time. Like, personality-wise I think we would be a good match but he is also a kpop idol lol

So Chan in three photos:

(Why is this the only photo of him in the studio that I found???)

He is a producer, songwriter, and singer. I know, people think kpop is never written by the performer but he made songs live on stream several times, if you are interested you can watch episode 158 of Chan's room for example. (he gets a phone call around 55 mins into the stream with a request from one of his group members XD The subtitles are a bit weird in some parts but in general okay^^)

Already mentioned Chan's room. It's his weekly live stream (usually on Sunday) where he listens to music and talks to the fans for an hours or so. In this gif it's a subset of episodes that I call Chan's actual room lol

Once someone asked for advice on period cramps on stream and he did not embarrass himself with his answer which puts him in like the top 10% of people without a uterus that I know. (Maybe I'm pessimistic but I feel like this half of the reproductive parts is not very well understood by those who don't have them^^;;;;;)

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Bonus:

90% of the time his hair is straightened, but he actually has curly hair. (relevant bc most of my celebrity crushes have curly / wavy hair lol) This was his Halloween stream from last year and I adore the curly hair. I think I have all the gifs of every moment that was caught on camera where his hair is not straightened.

So yeah it's Bang Chan (Or Christopher Bang). Now, for the one person that is asking themselves why would he be in Deadpool? The short answer is bc he and Ryan are buddies and Chan loves Deadpool. Now how do they even know each other in the first place? This is an interesting story.

In Kingdom, 6 male Idol Groups prepared performances for a different theme every week. Every round was followed by a vote that determined the ranking and some manoir details of the show. To this day, I have not understood how the voting system worked even though they explained it on the show like every episode lol

In Kingdom, 6 male Idol Groups prepared performances for a different theme every week. Every round was followed by a vote that determined the ranking and some manoir details of the show. To this day, I have not understood how the voting system worked even though they explained it on the show like every episode lol

One of the themes was "no limit" basically everything goes. They could collab with anyone, remix songs, or some third thing (I know nothing about music) but they could do basically anything they wanted.

Stray Kids have a song called God's Menu which was their first real break in 2020 and propelled them to the next level of popularity. Now, there is this Black Pink song called Ddu Ddu Ddu. Both songs have a part in the chorus that goes "du du du" but at different rhythms and they thought "wouldn't it be funny to make a mash-up?". Black Pink is well know and their songs are popular so why. They made the mash up and it's amazing. This performance is the reason I became a fan btw. I watched Kingdom for one of the other groups that competed - Ateez - but this mash-up is so good it put Stray Kids on my radar.

This performance was very Deadpool-inspired, from the hand draw map to the outfits.

(Mnet took down the original performance video for some reason but you can see it here)

Quick side note: When Chan is talking here, he is talking in English, but because this was Korean tv they used these cards to write subtitles on. however, the first one says something different. It says "JYP 바보 (JYP is an Idiot)" Park Jin-young (JYP) is their boss and founder of their record label they work for lol (I think he resigned as CEO but is still involved with the company)

After the performance, Chan took one of probs, a Deadpool mask, and appeared with it on hos weekly live stream.

Another side note: The live stream is called Chan's room but this is really some sort of play on his name bc "room" in Korean is bang and it's written the same way as his family name. (This doesn't mean that his family name means room bc family names in Korea are almost always based on Chinese symbols and the name is just the phonetic version of that)

The performance doesn’t go unnoticed, Ryan post something under a tweet about it. Some interaction followed - I’m not on twitter so idk what exactly happened here but yeah, - this was the beginning of their bromance. Chan send Ryan a signed album and Ryan sent chan a bottle of (what liquor is he selling?) which is funny bc Chan doesn't drink so it's just there on his desk. In a later stream he opened the bottle and sniffed it. You can imagine the reaction, I don't have to tell you XD Chan also interviewed Ryan when Free Guy was released.

Given that Ryan reblogged a post with Chan gifs recently leads me to think they are still bros and if the opportunity arises they would totally do something together.

This is the reason why so many people, including myself, are convinced the Stray Kids will be on the soundtrack for Deadpool and I wouldn't be surprised if they even have some cameo in the movie in one way or another. It could even just be in some reference only fan will get or one of their songs plays in the background. There are lots of possibilities

One last thing. Maybe you saw the screenshot of Chan from their performance on Kingdom and thought "Man, he don't look like Deadpool." And yes he doesn't. Because Chan wasn't Deadpool. He was.

This is Stray Kids' other Australian dude, Felix. (If you watched the performance, yes, that is his actual voice.) He even got the swords <3

(Did this sit in my drafts for two months? Yes, it did.)

#deadpool 3 #deadpool #ryan reynolds #bang chan #stray kids

[hushroomloser]

Chris Evans short story part 6

Pairing: ReaderxChrisEvans 

Request: Meeeee 

Prompt: “I’m sorry I thought you were somebody else”

Warning(s): I’m a first-time writer

Word count: 1747

A/N: Hey online strangers, I wrote the first part a while back and have the rest of the story in my drive but have never posted it. This story I wrote way back in 2019 :'(. I will be posting at random times if you stay and read it thank you so much. Enjoy xoxox - I have no idea how many parts this story and technically I haven’t an ending yet. 

I honestly to god have no more inspiration so this story will just be here for another 3 more years 

Bye 

… I am back lol. I have no idea who even is enjoying this but yeah. I wrote this during finals so please excuse everything from it. From the grammar to the plot lol. I shall maybe edit it or something. Honestly didn’t this story needed more parts or anything and plus I am trying my hardest to make into a your name type without writing yourr name cause I never found it cute and plus whenever I read a yn i read out the yn has like yoon for some reason. So yeah 

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Chris had been in and out of his thoughts during this whole ordeal. He sat on the chair next to the doctor typing away notes on her computer thinking back to this morning.

And yesterday.

Yeah, let’s start with yesterday.

Catherine called. More than once. He couldn’t sleep well and woke up early. Went on a run. Got hungry. And got hit by her. The one he mistook the other day at the same coffee shop. Took a cab together. Where he couldn’t take his eyes off her. 

She was beautiful. He wondered, not really, why he wanted to hug her? In all that beauty, sadness seemed to poke out like weed on the pavement. He wondered who or what made her sad. He wanted so badly to take it away from her. To make her smile. He wanted to see that smile of hers, that smile that made his heart beat ever so slow each time. 

Should he ask her out? He thought he couldn’t, could he? How could he? He didn’t know her. He didn’t even know her name. Or what she did for a living. Or what was her favourite song or movie? The list goes on. He knew nothing. 

Lost in thought he didn’t hear what the doctor had said. “Yes doctor, I am sorry could you repeat that.” 

“I just asked you if you had any questions for me.” 

“Ohh no I am okay thanks.” 

“She must have thought that she hit you harder than she did.” Giggling at the thought of your backside hitting Chris Evans. “Honestly, I am surprised she didn’t run away or something.” 

“I am surprised I ended up here. For a small fall.” Surprised but happy. “Is she also a doctor?” He couldn’t keep his curiosity in anymore, he had to know something. 

“Uh, no she’s one of the medical physicists in training.” Asking questions, check one. “Ah, I think I am out of my league. A medical physicist what is that?” Lizzy only had two options here. One she wished but knew wouldn’t happen and one she did not like but would for sure happen. 

“Ah.” Opting for the second choice. “I am not the best to explain what it is but the gist of it is they keep us safe from all the radiation coming from imaging.” Well, this is not option two, she thought. “Why don’t you ask her about it.”

“I am sure she will give you a better explanation.” God, where was her Oscar. She a hundred and thousand percent knew what her best friend did. She looked at him waiting and waiting. 

Was she bating him? Chris had a feeling that this doctor knew her very well. And just maybe, saw him look at her earlier in the hallway before she walked away. Maybe he should catch the warm she’s throwing at him. 

“That would be best wouldn’t it.” His phone rang reminding him he could not stay any longer. “But, I think I have to go.” He shook the doctor's hand and opened the door to leave.

Thanking her one last time. “Her name is … she works in the nuclear department.” 

“If you come through the same doors and then turn left and take the elevators to the 9th floor.” 

“Y’a know for flowers or whatever.” Reminding herself what she was doing. Deciding maybe now silence would be best. God, her friend was going to kill her for this. Why was she giving away information like that? These celebrities make you do the weirdest things. 

He waved back remembering all the information that was given to him. Her name is beautiful, he would not forget it. How could he it rolled in his mouth like sweet nectar. 

“fuckkk”, Lizzy remembered. She didn’t ask for a picture or an autograph. Maybe she professionaled a bit too hard this time. 

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She had come at the right moment for her and the wrong moment for him and Lizzy. She had seen him leave and hid in a corner. Why may you ask? She couldn’t answer it either. Or maybe she was too afraid to acknowledge it. Knowing very well that during the cab ride the whole world could hear her heart. She could not muster any strength to talk to him during and after the ride. Gesturing the way to the ER reception earlier. In a perfect world, she would take the strength she always had and maybe just maybe ask him out for coffee. The least she could do after hitting him. Or even... Even. What could she even do? She could even come up with something so easy. Had she fallen into the trap of a superstar’s charm or was she genuinely into him? Into the real Chris and not just Chris Evans. How could she answer that question when she didn’t know who he was. 

“So what’s this emergency.” Finally taking a sip of her drink. It had cooled down by now. Sitting next to her friend. 

“You know I love you.” Looking at Lizzy wondering how this related to the emergency. 

“Yes, I do.” 

“And you know I always want what is best for you.” 

“Yesss.” She figured where this was going. 

“So why bring him here when you could have accessed him on your own.” It wasn’t a question. You knew, and she knew you knew how to. You and Lizzy spent many long nights practicing and studying for her boards.

“I…” I don’t know, she thought. 

“Next, question.” 

“You like him?” She looked at her friend, was she that easy to read. Lizzy figured it out and put it into words faster than she could have. 

“And you can’t lie to me.” 

“Why didn’t you just ask him out or better yet stayed there and bought him coffee or something.”

“What is liking someone even, Lizzy. I mean I don’t know the guy and he’s a celebrity. Let’s be real here.” Lizzy had rolled her eyes so far back, her friend and her rational brain. “Okay let’s put it like this if he wasn’t him but just a random person on the street.” 

“ohh but dear friend do you even see me talking to random people on the streets.”

“Men! Me and men.” She emphasized. “Do not work and I am very happy keeping it that way.” 

“Ohh really now, I saw the way he looked at you.” It was her turn to roll her eyes.  “That fine specimen likes you, and you can deny it all you want.” 

“Whatever, it is not like I will see him ever again.”

“Oh, but you will!Trust me. I sense those kinds of things.” Lizzy had already imagined and planned out your life for you. “Plus, I invited him to our wedding.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I could have if I wanted to.” 

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Two weeks had passed, and Chris was done with the first part of shooting. On break, he finally had the time to do what he wanted. To go and see her again. He had gone to that coffee shop every morning for the past two weeks hoping he’d see her again. Did he scare her off, he wondered. She hadn’t come, he even asked the cashier if they knew her or if she was a regular. He couldn’t get her out of his mind, he had to see her again and talk to her properly this time. 

He had planned to send her flowers during the week but decided against it. It would be more meaningful if he brought it to her in person. That’s exactly what he was doing. He had asked the florist to make him a beautiful arrangement. Delivering just that, beautiful could not come close to the bouquet he had made him.  Daisies and orchids filled the colorful arrangement and he had added lavender and iris to it. He did not know much about the meaning behind each of those flowers but hoped it meant something good. Following the doctor’s directions, he had been repeating it all week long; straight through the ER then turn left and take the elevators to the 9th floor. 

The warmth he had been feeling all morning long kept him pacing back and forth. He kept repeating the instructions like a chant, his hands had started to clam up. A new thing for him. He got nervous for auditions and first days on sets, even on talk shows. But this. This almost took him out a few times. 

“Breath, the worst thing she could say is no.” Well, that and maybe call security. Feeling like he was about to pass out, an overstatement of course. Because he was a grown man, and this is normal. Right?

He reached the elevator and pressed number 9, thankfully there wasn’t anyone in it. So, he breathed, in and out. 

Floor 2.

In and out. 

Floor 5. 

In and out. 

Floor 8. 

In and out. 

Floor 9. 

He quickly fixed himself before exiting the elevator. 

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Two weeks had passed, and she couldn’t concentrate on anything. Not her research. Not her work. Not anything. A little sad that he didn’t come back, she questioned everything. Maybe it really was just me feeling things. And maybe it really was just the superstar’s charm that had her this weak in the knees for a stranger. 

She had plenty of fake cries during the days that passed, she couldn’t believe she was not only charmed but that she had hit him like that. The patheticness had reached an all-time high that week. Oliver had been laughing for a week straight, Lizzy had told him about the whole ordeal, and he couldn’t stop laughing. While Lizzy was planning a fictional wedding. 

“God am I pathetic?” she questioned. 

“I hope not.” A whisper in the back made her regret everything. She knew that voice, she had listened to that voice all week long. My patheticness level increased. Praying that her mind was playing tricks on her she looked at back. 

Damn, she cursed at herself, the only time she had to go see patients and leave her office. 

“hi.” Hopping the crack in her voice did not give her away. She repeated with more strength. ‘Hi.” He looked so beautiful in his sky-blue shirt and jeans. “If you are looking for Dr. Kelley she is not in today.” 

“I am actually looking for you.” His face had turned a crimson red. God, he looked cute when he blushed. My patheticness level increased. Again. 

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Girl this make me feel like this specific girly don't know how to act like I could write a novella about my own relationships why she acting like that 😭😭😭😭

Anyways, hope you enjoy.

constructive criticism is very much appreciated, thank you. 

xoxox

#chris evans imagine #chris evans x reader #short story #fanfic #writing #chris evans #creative writing

[raspberrylix]

anyone still remembers this used to be sims blog?

i do, after like a year since last sims related post (lol) so i decided to build something, that something became a kuroko inspired apartment in san myshuno.

a small apartment in the heart of lively fashion district is a perfect fit for a man and his puppy (fun challenge: count the toys number 2 has hidden around the place!)

this one bedroom apartment has a spacious living space with an open renovated kitchen with newest appliances all the way from the north!

the bathroom is... clean, it's nothing special. let's move on to more interesting things, shall we?

kuroko has already made this place a home and we could not be more proud!

oh the basketball? there are many oh them, which one? the one on the wall? i see.. i was told that things on the wall display under the sconce were gifted to kuroko by his friend from america. there's a reason why such bright red cap is on a display in a room without much red. i think the same friend also left an umbrella when he stayed here last time.

If there are no questions, i'd like us to move on to the bedroom, the views outside are impeccable i'm going to tell you all about it- there are still questions :/ the photos? just few photos kuroko took with his friends during a high school championships. such personal details in the houses always makes me happy

now shall we-- you want me to zoom in on my clients' personal photos? yeah, sure! too bad due to technical difficulties only one survived (i know there's inaccuracies and mixed up jersey numbers, this one photo took me over an hour to get, between sims being sims and game crashing more than once. after noticing too late i was not going to do that all over again for a prop, i'm sorry. let's say kuroko and kagami mixed theirs up and after the photo was taken, everyone had a great laugh, okay?)

at last, the bedroom! the room isn't big so an open closet situations was the best decision. it leave so much more walking space and a puppy can go wild. kuroko went for a double bed, and a string light canopy as the main light source for the room, which isn't always necessary as the floor to ceiling windows let more than enough light from a vibrant city, both during the day time AND night time! the painting looks good too!!

the photo on the bedside table? yup, that's kuroko's friend from america! glad to say i can show the full size photo!

hope you enjoyed our virtual house tour! our next one should start in XYCSY minutes, strap yourselves in!

if you made it this far, i appreciate it so much lmao. miss building a lot, so this was very fun, tired to build a huge house for a few knb characters but after struggling for a bit, i was harshly reminded that i cant build big houses, not even modern. but the joy of looking into what could signal to others that this is apartment that belong to kuroko in a way that i see it was really fun. like finding the sims, finding the outfits, finding the pose as im still not equip to do 3d models. then putting this all together and nearly rage quitting due to game crashing. but that's why we love this game, right? right??

maybe someday ill get to revisit this build and fix the already mention and not mentioned details, but for a first proper post in a while, I don't hate it and that's a huge progress <3

also, in my last story&build post i was complaining about not being able to paint ceilings and now we can! maybe when i post next, there will be more hair color options? nah, im hoping for too much, aren't i.

outfits were made by @twoohugs !

#sims 4 build #sims 4 cc #kurokos basketball #sims 4 #simblr #黒子のバスケ #knb #kuroko tetsuya #san myshuno

[cdmagic1408]

CDmagic1408's QOY Miniatures! ✨

Quest Masters!

May I proudly present to thee...

my Quests of Yore miniatures! In color! 🎨

(cue group photo and dramatic photoshoot! 📸)

These six figures all come straight from the real life Quests of Yore game that was released just last year, and even though I myself got the game in June 2021, I never thought to paint the minis that came with it…until NOW

I began painting them back in April 2022, but only after three individual days of just placing color somewhere on them, I soon got busy with finishing up my college semester that I didn’t pick up on them again until two months later in June

From then on until just last week, I spent every other day or so painting these and now they are finally done!!

I absolutely love how they all came out! Each mini is definitely unique in their own special way! 

Like any true adventurer on a grand quest, it took great courage, tons of patience, a dash of creativity, and clever resourcefulness to transform these figures as you see them!

My weapons of choice included acrylic paint, the finest and tiniest brush tips plus a toothpick (which is basically a thin paintbrush without hairs going all over the place), and a steady hand to accomplish this no easy feat!

And in the end, it was totally worth it! All of these characters feel much more alive and real with color on them! So I'm beyond glad and excited to have accomplished this artistic deed 😄

Now before I do a deep dive into each of these minis, below is a video I made where I did 3D turnarounds of each of them! I so wish you guys could see these beautiful masterpieces in person—believe me looking at them with my own two eyes, they are GORGEOUS—but I’m afraid this is the best I can do...

I guess I was thinking about how on the bonus feature disc for the 2005 Toy Story 2 DVD, they showed 3D turnarounds of each of the character models and the environments from the movie, and just remembering how much I would watch those over and over again when I was younger…basically I wanted to do something like that lol. As much as I wish Onward went all out like that in their bonus content (like for real I would so watch a 3D turnaround of a New Mushroomton street), that’s obviously a post for another day…

So yeah here is a closer look at each individual miniature with background music! 

all turned around with a cupcake pedestal (courtesy of my mom) and QOY land pieces on top of a much bigger dish lol

The Manticore - this is the only mini I decided to really go by the book on, with the exception of one minor detail…I decided to give her pink nails like she has in the movie! if I had to name my favorite modern detail about her, that would definitely be it! but yeah other than that, she’s just too awesome of a character to be painted any differently! 

Dragon - this is your quick IYTM spoiler warning but I based this mini entirely on Dragon Ian from the fanfic’s climax! I even made the pearl he’s holding the S.S. Medallion! and the ground he’s standing on is Gedeon’s lair! As my own text in the story describes: using the medallion, Ian shapeshifts into a huge aqua-colored dragon with talons, scales, a whip-like tail and all! so if you desire another visual of what he looks like during that portion of the fan novel’s penultimate chapter: this is it!

Gnome (Companion/Bard) - this one I wanna say was the quickest to paint because of how small she is. Her hair is partly inspired by Giulia from Luca. I know Guilia’s hair is a little darker than the gnome’s but I couldn’t resist giving this gnome a red hat and didn’t necessarily want the colors to clash. still the hair itself just reminded me of Guilia, so I wanted to give her a hair color that was at least close to it. Also being in the companion role, I decided to give this figure warm colors overall to give off a vibe of friendliness!

Cyclops (Savant/Wizard) - Purple robes with pink skin was my immediate first thought when it came to this mini. To put it simply, I wanted to defy gender stereotypes with this one. Purple is an absolutely amazing robe color! and it’s my second favorite color after blue! This purple specifically is plum and I think it contrasts the pink very well to the point that it pops. I also used the other purples I had to make other details shine such as the band on his wizard hat and his sleeves. lastly I wanna say that this is the mini where I found using a toothpick to add details was brilliant! It’s how I got his eye to be how it is! 

Elf (Defender/Warrior) - if I had to pick, I’d say this one was the hardest to paint! mainly because I went back and forth on which colors I wanted to use for her. The last thing I wanted for any of these figures was to have them be dull-looking. But ultimately I decided to go in a slightly risqué direction and turn her warrior outfit in such a way that I gave her a midriff. I guess for an elf I thought she needed more blue than just on her face and hair lol. I also gave her the Shield of Zadar as depicted in the QOY book and the Greatsword which is on an item card from the QOY game!

Satyr (Vagabond/Rogue) - I gave this mini all sorts of colors but its main ones are definitely blue, green, and gold. Being a satyr, I kinda wanted to go in a nature-feel direction and to me that means green, brown, and gold, but also all sorts of colors since nature itself has all sorts of colors in it! Of all the minis, his expression is definitely my favorite! Tbh I don’t really know how I did it, I just made it work! Again, with a toothpick, and by putting down the right amount of paint I guess lol. But just the way he is, it screams ready for action!

But yeah there you have it, QMs! Those are my painted QOY minis!

If you have this game, if you have paint, and if you're looking for an art project to do, I highly suggest doing this!!!

I know the thought of laying paint on these guys seems scary and intimidating, believe me I definitely had those thoughts when I began laying out the groundwork for this, but as Barley once said: "You'll never be ready! MERGE!"

So my best advice is: just do it, don't hold back. If you make a mistake, you can always paint over it! If you're frustrated over how it's going, take a break! If you need inspiration, check out Barley's figures which are scattered in different scenes at the beginning of the film and/or any Onward book that depicts art whether that's the art book or the irl QOY book!

All this advice helped me turn my once grayed out miniatures into the beautiful and colorful miniatures that they are now and they're absolutely fantastic!

This whole experience was a lot of fun and I'm so thrilled to finally share what I've spent a good two-ish months working on with you guys!

#onward #quests of yore #miniatures #figurines #manticore #dragon #cyclops #satyr #elf #gnome #rpg #if you trust me #onward if you trust me #IYTM Bonus Content #dragon ian #pixar onward #onward pixar #disney onward #onward disney #pixar #disney pixar #pixar movies #disney movies #disney pixar movies #cdmagic1408

[scottxlogan]

Writer’s wrap, 6, 13, 16, 20 pls!

Thanks so much for the ask! This has been really fun and such an interesting series of questions to answer, so thanks for that!

6. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Okay, so for me this is a toss up because there are a few that really stand out (I know I’m supposed to pick one, but I just can’t so I’ll pick 3 lol)

Damaged: Not going to lie this story was my saving grace at the beginning of the pandemic because it was my way of coping with being in lockdown for a very long time. This story also is a spin on most of my other post-DOFP Scott/Logan stories where Scott is essentially so damaged in ways by life/his sense of duty/his pain/losses/life experiences/etc. that I don’t often explore most of my in fics. He’s at a dark place and Logan just is this beacon bringing him back and opening him up to finding something that in this world he never had before not even with the Logan that was a part of it before this Logan arrived (yes it sounds complicated, but if you read the fic you’ll get it I promise and it won’t disappoint). It follows the theme of second chances and finding your soulmate against impossible odds. I know it’s another long story, but it’s one that a lot of people have enjoyed and told me how it’s touched them along the way, which means a lot because it’s special to me. 

Home Again: This story is so special to me because it’s about healing and forgiveness and love and basically me trying to fix some missteps in the MCU. I’ve had a lot of fun with this one writing ghost!Tony with Bucky that I’m probably (absolutely) stalling on the ending and I do apologize for that, but this one has been so special because I took a supernatural spin and knew from the very first word just how it would end and it has been such a fun journey for me. As for the future with it, I can promise it fits into my popular ‘additional tag’ on AO3 lol.

End of the Line: (Read the answer to the next question to find out why lol, but it was a triumph of writing for me at a time when I wasn’t sure where my writing future was at lol)

13. What’s your longest work of the year?

My longest work is End of the Line (766,117 words) This one is my longest work EVER and it started a little bit at the end of last year, but I imagine it will be the lonest fanfic I ever write and I did it for a reverse bang, which in retrospect was kind of crazy lol. The cool part about writing it is that it was the first time I wrote WinterIron and I was so inspired by the art/conversations that I had with @massivespacewren during the creative process that I wound up writing this epic story (at least in terms of length) where I posted a chapter every day for 68 days. It was a labor of love and a challenge unlike any other I’d taken on. I know the length sounds intimidating, but man was it fun to go all out and try something new. This AU story finds Tony rock bottom after he walks away from the team when an accidental misstep on a mission drives him away from being a hero. He’s caught up in his guilt/pain/grief that he leaves everything about his old life and finds himself in isolation where a chance meeting with a mysterious, handsome stranger turns his world around and brings him back to finding himself again. Along the way he seeks out redemption, love and a means of forgiving himself for the sins of the past. There’s so much I could say about that story and some behind the scenes secrets as well, but yeah that is probably my longest work in terms of fanfic of all time I think. Nothing will probably ever top that one lol. 

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Angst with a happy ending (would be my guess) lol I am a sucker for stories where the reader knows at the end no matter how bad the obstacles might be that they will be rewarded for their time invested in the story. Some have said it takes away from the suspense element in putting that out there, but for me I like to let people know that yes there’s going to be a big payoff at the end and it’ll be well worth the wait :)

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most? Um, probably not one I’ve posted on AO3 as I was writing an original novel that I was kind of deeply invested in for a while. If I had to pick something I’ve posted on AO3, which is what this is about I suppose lol I would say probably Under Your Spell as it was a challenge someone gave me that I had fun with. I haven’t read it in a while, but there’s something about Logan drinking a ‘love potion’ and finding himself head over heels for Scott that was really fun to write. Another one I’ve enjoyed rereading every now and then is Date Night (which is the 2nd one shot in my Better Together series as it opened the door to Scott/Tony bonding with Bruce Banner and deepening their friendship in it. It kind of set the tone in a lot of ways for the multi-chapter fic (Better Together) that followed and honestly if people look deeper into the Better Together story you’ll probably not think of Waffle House the same again lol. Hands down that scene I’ve probably read a few times since it was super romantic and fun. And now I’m going to stop rambling now, but these were a lot of fun! Thank you so much for asking!

#stormxpadme #ao3 wrapped #ask me #my fics #scogan #winteriron #my writing #such a fun journey down memory lane

[randombubblegum]

MARCH 2019. i could be wrong bc dates get fuzzy but i’m pretty sure that was when he took an official social media break bc stuff was even more batshit and horrible than usual. (he was at the peak of Never tweeting not in all caps, online spaces were a shitshow, it was weird and bad. also i think this period of time and specifically this break is what really inspired him to call the album fandom and make it so That but that’s just my opinion lmao.) after a bit (not too long lol) he came back and was like. the worst he’s been online in my opinion. it was fair of him to take a break bc it really was horrible how the fandom was behaving (specifically twitter and in relation to him) but then he came back and was maybe the worst he’s ever been online i think. like there are so many specific things i to this day vividly remember him saying and bits of drama that occurred bc he was so angry at everyone and sure that he was always correct and entitled to everything

damn YUPPPPP this all checks out actually. parxdrama chronicled it and it seems like the biggest thing was him being friends with fucking elijah LOL fuck that dude for real

i am 100000% not joking when i say him falling in w elijah daniel and that ~twitter funnyman crowd~ was the worst thing that ever happened to him and parx. he got so FUCKING nasty and mean and cruel in a way he never had been before and even when he stopped being friends with them (and ONLY bc elijah publicly ~called him out~ for not posting about blm while he was on social media break, not any of the other terrible shit he did) that awful attitude never went away. he got so unbelievably entitled and jaded and fucking mean in that early 2019 time period and it is the thing i can confidently point to and go “thats why hes such an unlikeable ass now” lmao. i wasnt there to see it myself but ive heard sooo many stories from ppl who were about the ways he lashed out at fans and got bitchy and mean in a way that was both not funny and not a joke. which we have of course seen persist into the modern era 😐😐

it sounds like there were scattered other “fans being stupid and annoying” things that started his hiatus like these

but yeah. that seemed to be ground zero for the ugly ugly change he underwent between entertainment and fandom lol. ironic because if he had just dropped friendly reminder as it was (and as we got to hear it on the demo album) wed be living in the better fucking timeline!!!!!!!!!!

#like the way fans treated him was AWFUL and he didnt (at that point) deserve it #but yeah. like. it rly seems like that was the time u can point to and go ‘wow he got awful’ #ty to iz for digging these up btw #mail time! #neg #long post

[itsthebethblogever]

A Bird on Her Journey to Self

If you want to know what I have been up to since graduating high school, here is your answer: I've been trying to figure out what I want to do in life, and having lots ups and downs in the process. Like everyone else. This was written with the intention to share my experiences in the hopes that others can relate/learn/laugh/benefit somehow. Ten years of life in one post. Thanks so much for reading, sending you love, enjoy! ♡

Chapter 1: The Bird Leaves the Nest

The laid back, coastal town of Ventura, California offers many wonderful benefits as a home town: perfect weather, spacious beaches, a county fair, farmers markets, and it's close enough to Los Angeles for a day trip but far away enough to not have big city problems like traffic or pollution. However, its small town vibes can sometimes feel like a suburban bubble of safety, so my curious spirit did not begin to fully emerge until I moved to San Francisco for college at the age of 18. From day one, I hit the ground running. As soon as my dad finished helping me unpack, I ran off with some new friends to the Haight Ashbury district with one goal in mind: get my nose pierced (something I was not allowed to do while living at home). That simple yet important milestone was a physical marker of my breaking away from the herd. Beginning to chart my own path. After a fiery freshman year full of firsts, I left SF to study abroad in Växjö, Sweden, full of confidence and a thirst for even more adventure.

I was 20. I had just begun to see the world. Inspired by living with international students who could all speak at least 2 languages, I set a goal to learn Spanish. The question was: How? I began researching ways to live in a Spanish speaking country and landed on the Peace Corps website. To qualify for a Spanish speaking country, I would need a minimum of 2 semesters of college level Spanish. Well, that would work out just fine! I still had another three more semesters at SF State before I could graduate, so when registration came around, I signed myself up for Spanish. Lovely! My post-college plan became: move to a Spanish speaking country and learn the language.

In my second semester of living in a Scandinavian story tale is when a sweet character by the name of David made his debut. We met during a student trip to Finnish Lapland, when one of our three buses broke down. Instead of having the seat next to me for myself for the long journey north, I had to give it up to make room for the other bus mates. Now, sitting next to me, was a tall, talkative Spaniard. So much for my desire to sleep. We introduced ourselves and he saw I was listening to Bon Iver - of course, this was my sleep playlist - and asked me if I had seen them in concert. Well, turns out we both had, and despite not being a chatty mood, my interest was sparked. We continued connecting and I quickly realized that the more time I spent with him, the more time I wanted to just keep spending more time with him. He charmed me with his music taste, social spirit, but most of all: his loving heart. The only problem was that he was from Terrassa, a city near Barcelona, Spain, which is quite far away from California.

But... it was a Spanish speaking country.

Meaning... that if I moved to Barcelona to be close to David instead of joining the Peace Corps, I would still be accomplishing my post-grad goals. It wasn’t just to pursue a relationship.

So, we went for it.

After a tortuous goodbye in Sweden (and then again in Denmark, as he missed his flight home due to a train strike and ended up staying the night with me and my family who had come to visit, lol), we did not know when we would see each other next. However, we made the decision to stay together. David and I maintained a long-distance relationship - San Francisco to Barcelona - during the year and a half it took me to finish my degree. We saw each other only twice during that span of time. Yeah, ouch. It was extremely hard to be apart for so long, but we were determined to find a way to be together.

As soon as I graduated, I wasted no time. January 2016, two weeks after receiving my degree, I hopped on a flight across the pond and moved into my new au pair family’s apartment in the Vila Olímpica neighborhood of Barcelona. My freshly earned degree in Child and Adolescent Development meant I was passionate about working with kids, so the role was right up my alley. At 22 years old, my new life as a part time mom and part time Spanish language student began. I would get my three trilingual children ready for school with some help from their parents, drop them off, and cycle over to the Escola Oficial d’Idiomes. Classes were four times a week with daily homework, my au pair parents spoke to me exclusively in Spanish, and on the weekends half of my friends spoke to me in Spanish as well.

After three trimesters at EOI over the course of a year and a healthy level of immersion, I passed an official exam and gained the Intermediate Spanish certification. I had done it - I had learned Spanish!

Well, mainly. It took me about another year to really start to feel like I could express my personality in Spanish.

Once I completed my au pair year, I moved in with David and two of his childhood friends (by then, also my close friends) in the Gràcia neighborhood of the city when I was 23. For about six months, I supported myself with a variety of English teaching gigs I had accumulated through connections made at my au pair kids’ schools as well as through other English teaching friends in the city.

Life was a thrill. I still could not believe I was finally living in the same country with David, much less the same room, I was proud that I was able to make enough money just through teaching private classes, I had the social and night life beyond my wildest dreams, and I was doing it all in a city overflowing with art and culture. I was thriving.

However, I could no longer extend my student visa, so I needed to find something else that would allow me to continue living legally in Spain.

So, I found something.

Via the recommendation of friends, I applied, interviewed, and was accepted as a language assistant through the Meddeas program. In the summer of 2017, I went home to California, visited family and friends, and got my new student visa processings done.

August 2017 initiated a new school year and a new chapter in my journey: teaching English to Spanish primary and secondary students while studying an online TEFL course at the Universitat Internacional de Catalunya.

In hindsight, this is where my journey began to stray from my center.

Teaching English had never been a professional dream of mine. It was something I could do, and I absolutely found joy in it; however, the fact that I was thrown into a job with just one real day of training and all of a sudden expected to lesson plan for 11 different classes caused me immense stress in the beginning. Over time it got easier, but there was always a part of me that knew if I could choose, I would be doing something different.

But, I did it.

Why?

Because it allowed me to continue living in Barcelona, a place that now felt like home. It allowed me to continue learning Spanish, which sparked so much fire and fascination in me. It allowed me to continue the flourishing relationships with my sweet partner and the community of friends and family I cherished so deeply.

So, I kept doing it.

After two years of working and studying through Meddeas, I had maxed out the amount of time I could be in the program. The question returned: How could I continue to legally live in Spain?

The answer: Domestic Partnership.

We lawyered up.

David and I were able to apply under the condition that we had been registered as living in the same household for over a year. Some hundreds and thousands of Euros later, I was granted 5 years of residency in Spain that included the right to work. Hallelujah. The end of long days trekking across the province to different official buildings, waiting decades for my little number to appear on a screen, indicating it was finally my turn even though my appointment time had long passed, and praying that the person who attended me would give me their stamp and signature that meant I could advance to the next round of the Red Tape Tango.

Even Jesus could not be saved from the messy misery that is the bureaucratic processes in Spain.

So, it would seem like having my residency settled would open the doors for me to explore more satisfying occupations, buuut it was not that easy.

I was in a foreign country. The primary language of instruction in public schools was Catalan. Even though I worked so hard to learn Spanish, I would still need to learn another language if I wanted to apply to any public school position.

Then, there was the issue of educational qualifications. Europe in general is quite strict with demanding you have the right papers for the right job, and even more so in Catalonia. In the Catalan province, you must have a masters degree to work with high schoolers, the age group that I really did love teaching English. However, getting a masters for a job that still did not ignite every inch of my soul was not something I was ready to sign up for. Plus, it was possible my US bachelor’s degree may not even qualify, and there was no way I was going to do another bachelor’s degree just for that.

At that moment, my two post grad goals had been accomplished: to live in a Spanish speaking country and learn Spanish, which felt great, but I did not have a plan for after that. I began to feel lost.

At the same time as I was going through a professional life crisis, my personal life situation was also undergoing a difficult transition. It was the summer of 2019. David and I were looking to move out of our shared apartment into our own place for the first time.

From the outside, everything seemed glittery and exciting. We had found a beautiful apartment in Gràcia mere footsteps away from our friends, I got my residency, and my unemployed status was not a huge financial stress thanks to David working in tech.

However, my live-in support system, aka my roommates, had been taken away. Moving in with my partner meant it was just us two. When there was any conflict, it no longer dissipated when one of our roomies came home. Our fights were affecting me more, being unemployed sucked, and felt like I had nobody to reach out to since everyone was working or vacationing. Many days, the summer sun was shining bright outside, but inside I felt darkness. For the first time in my life, I fell into a depression. These deep, ugly emotions inside me were new and I did not know how to deal with them. Instead of opening up about how I felt, I tried to keep my emotions hidden in the hopes that I could bounce back on my own without causing others to see this unhappy side of the usually bubbly, carefree Beth.

In the month of July, I found a gig as a camp counselor at an English language summer camp. The hours were long, it was physically and emotionally demanding, and the compensation was minimal. Working at a summer camp did have some fun perks, but overall it felt like I was resorting to a job that was great when I was 15, but not so much when I was 25. It did not feel like progress, so it did not help my mental health.

Once that finished, I began teaching English online to kids in China in the mornings through a US based company called VIP Kid. In the evenings, I got a part-time job teaching English to kids and adults at a language academy in the city.

More English teaching.

Still, not really my passion.

But, I did it.

Why?

I could not find any better options. I knew I did not want to teach English for the rest of my life, but the other jobs I was interested in, like in the special education/psychology field, I could not pursue due to language or bureaucratic barriers. I decided to accept my current job situation, knowing that it was temporary, and continue to look for other positions in the meantime.

But it was not easy. On top of this, my work schedule was now opposite to David’s. His 9-5 job meant that when he came home, I was at my second job. Limited time together further heightened my feelings of aloneness and caused stress for us both. We hardly saw each other during the week, and when we did, we were not at our best selves. This continued for some time, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told David I wanted to break up in March 2020, shortly after my 26th birthday. Yet, it did not end then. It surprised David to know I was that unhappy, as I had been hiding most of my dark emotions in order to convince myself and others that I was okay. We decided we would start having more honest communication and work on our relationship, as we both hoped it could be saved.

Then, the timing of what happened next still makes me chuckle. The Universe heard us asking for more time together, and gave us…

Covid 19.

Yep, Barcelona’s lockdown happened literally days after we almost broke up.

Actually, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

We finally had time to be able to talk, connect, and make the best out of being confined 24/7 together. 

Since the language academy closed, it was easy to convert my online teaching gig to be my primary job, as my Chinese students were all at home too. I taught classes for about four hours a day and spent the rest… however I could. While David continued working, I would usually go up to our building’s rooftop. There, I began to rediscover some of my creative passions I had forgotten about. I bought a drawing pad, wrote poetry, and did lots of journaling.

After a long year locked down with plenty of time to reflect, I came to the difficult conclusion that it was time to end our 6 year relationship. Almost exactly a year later, I turned 27 in February 2021, and made the move.

Something I want to pause and touch on here are my thoughts on ending relationships. Later, when sharing the news to my friends and family, it became apparent that some people feel the need to see ugliness before a breakup. I got a lot of reactions like "What, really? But you seemed so happy!" Yes, we were. But that is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Personally, I feel like it shows how much I cared about David to never let us get to a point where we were outwardly unhappy. I recognized that my feelings had changed, and rather than repress them to the point where I might start to take it out on him, I made the responsible choice to end things amicably. Movies and pop culture dramatize breakups and show things like throwing their partner's belongings out the window, saying nasty things while screaming at each other, cheating out of spite, and the list goes on. It is sad that we don't have examples of two people who sit down together, have a meaningful conversation, and wish each other the best. Communication is an art that gets easier with practice. We should have as many role models and teachers as possible to help guide us towards the most loving way of relating.

Conscious communication practices are on the uprise, so if learning these essential life skills sounds interesting to you, feel free to contact me and I can help connect you to resources like Instagram accounts to follow, courses to take, etc.

And, unpause.

It was Lunar New Year and from the moment I woke up, I felt like electricity was surging through my body, my heart beat accelerated. It was my body telling me: now or never. I met with my best friend Pat who I made privy to my resolution, and together we developed a plan.

A day later, I sat down with David and had the Talk. I did my best to explain my decision in the most caring way, so for that, I came prepared with a notebook in case the words escaped me in the moment. I knew these were going to be the scenes that would replay in our minds and I wanted to foster the best possible conversations. It absolutely broke my heart but as I spoke my truth, my body felt lighter. We agreed that there would be no contact, to allow both of us to heal. As I did the "hurting", I would not be the one to initiate contact. If the day comes that David would like to speak to me, he could reach out. We did get together a second time a few days later to have another conversation where questions were asked and answered. At the end, we said a more official goodbye that ended in one of the world's saddest hugs. I let him know that I hope we can one day be friends, and I am still hopeful for that. It has been almost two years and we have not exchanged a word. I celebrate how well we have honored the boundaries we set and wish him the absolute best.

Six beautiful years of support, adventure, silliness, passion, growth, and love came to an end. Well, the love will always remain, just in a different container.

Before diving into all the logistics that come after a breakup, Pat invited me to stay the weekend with her family in her hometown. We went on a hike to the top of the Burriac Castle, where I really cried for the first time after the break up. Feeling safe and nurtured in her family's hands, I was able to journal my heart out, have an attentive ear to help me try to figure out what to do next, order pizza, and cry some more. I am forever grateful for all the help and love Pat gave me during my time of need. She is a true loyal Leo protector queen and I love and miss her dearly.

Then, it was back to reality.

I moved all my stuff out of our shared apartment and was temporarily crashing at a friend’s place while she was out of town. I hadn’t really thought about what came next, but it was obvious I needed a new place to live.

I went to see a room that seemed to check all the boxes: good lighting and internet for my online classes, in the same neighborhood so I’d still have all my friends and shops I was loyal to around me, but it was then when I realized - how can I start a new chapter of my life in the same city with the same job and the same limitations?

I cannot.

So, I didn’t.

I decided it was time to move back home.

In the span of two weeks, I packed up my five years of life into three boxes, two backpacks, one suitcase, and one duffel bag. The process of donating, gifting, and purging my material belongings was therapeutic. The process of saying goodbye to my community of friends that had become my family was heartbreaking.

Is heartbreaking.

But I had to do it.

Like a phoenix, I had to set fire to everything familiar so I could be reborn from the ashes. Just like that, I said adéu, t'estimo to the five year Barcelona chapter of my life.

Chapter 2: The Bird Returns to the Nest

On the flight to California, I realized I was not moving back home. Barcelona was my home. It had been four years since I had stepped foot on the West Coast, and I had no idea what I was going to do (as per usual).

March 1st, 2021. My first full day in Ventura, California in years. It was more clear than ever that I was basically a foreign person in my hometown, and I did not feel like I fit in. Immediately, I threw myself into researching any and all opportunities to leave the US. I applied to teach English in Korea and was rejected - maybe because of my tattoos? Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. Next, I applied for an English Teaching position in Costa Rica through the Peace Corps, thinking I could fulfill that post-graduation idea I had so many years ago. I got an interview and then after was politely explained that all of the programs are on pause due to Miss Rona and they would let me know once they reopened. Tampoco ain’t gonna do it. After that, I began throwing my resume at any and all English teaching positions at international schools in the Middle East, Southeast Asia, you name it… but nothing stuck.

Soon, I came to terms with that my intention to touch down in Ventura just to jet off again was not realistic. Covid meant that many borders were closed and programs on pause. So, when a recruiter contacted me on Linkedin for a job as a Support Counselor with Aspiranet, my eyes opened wide with interest at the job description. Behavioral coaching for youth clients in Ventura County? Required a bachelor’s degree in social work/psychology/child development? Increased pay for bilingual candidates? Experience working with high risk youth or special education preferred? The description seemed to be tailored for me. I felt the flame of inspiration ignite, so I applied and was offered the job. I absolutely loved it. Finally, I was back to doing something I was passionate about, and the experience I gained was just as rewarding as the difference I was making in my client’s lives.

Still, my goal to move abroad was clear, and I continued to search for ways to do so. I applied to volunteer as an English Director through a program in Brazil that also practiced eco-friendly living, organic farming, and environment conservation. Even though it was teaching English, I saw this as a beautiful way to also have the opportunity to learn about the other projects going on at the center that fascinated me. After an interview, I was offered the position!

…and got a DUI.

Just when I thought I finally found a plan that felt right, life smacked me in the face and said “think again”. My dreams were shattered.

Here is where I should maybe add a little context and do that adult thing called “take responsibility”. After so many years in a relationship, I was granting myself permission to be wild and free on the weekends. However, as a Scorpio Moon, Jupiter, and Pluto, I crave intensity and become obsessive in my search for taboo adventures. That manifested in a way where I was pushing boundaries of what was safe to their limit, too often. The Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to learn my lesson the easy way, granting me safe passage during many other instances where I drove under the influence. But, I did not listen, and continued on with my reckless behavior until finally I was forced to learn the hard way.

And it sucked.

Not only did I have to spend all the money I had saved on legal fees and fines, but I now had three months of programs I had to attend. My job as a Support Counselor was half spent driving around Ventura County visiting my clients, so I quickly decided that would not be worth the extra insurance and IDD device I’d need to install just to keep the job.

So now what?

Back to the drawing board.

Sigh.

After shedding many tears, therapy sessions, conversations with family and friends, and deep suffering, it hit me: A remote job. It would be the perfect compromise. Instead of quitting my job and using my savings to volunteer and travel, I would get a remote job so I could still travel and have the means to do so. Frantically, I began applying for anything and everything remote. Thanks to a family friend, I was referred and accepted as a Client Coordinator with Cerebral, an online mental health startup company. Well, weeks before beginning training, Cerebral said they no longer needed Client Coordinators (small heart attack) but if I was interested in being a Phone Coordinator, there was still a job for me. Uh, okay, as long as it was remote, I was willing to do pretty much anything. I accepted without much hesitation, though the idea of answering phones instead of emails did not thrill me.

 It would be my first customer service job, and as it was still related to my field of interest, I figured there would be value to seeing the business/insurance/billing side. As soon as I finished training, I packed up my life, again, and purchased a one-way ticket to Mexico City. Since I had visited the city before and already had friends there, it felt like somewhere I could start rebuilding the sense of community that I so yearned while also fulfilling my international desire.

So, I did it.

I will never forget the surge of emotions that overcame me the moment the plane lifted off the runway at LAX. The tears came pouring out before I even realized I was crying. Freedom. Independence. Finally, after a year of living at home, I felt like I was back in life’s driver’s seat.

Chapter 3: The Bird Gets Her Wings Back

At 4:39 am on April 3rd, 2022, two days after moving into an apartment in Juárez, Mexico City, I wrote this:

“I’m having so much fun being alive-

—and living and being here that I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t even want to close my eyes.

I’m too happy.

There’s too much I want to absorb.

Everything feels electric. I feel literally charged and hypervolted with energy. 

This. Is. My. Fucking PLACE!!!

Note to self: never again accept less than this. Or if you do, know it is temporary and I will always find a way back.”

Now 28 years old, the feeling of power I felt when I left Barcelona had finally returned. I could learn Mexican Spanish. I could walk to the market to buy my groceries. I could even do my court ordered programs, as they were through Zoom. But, most importantly, I could surround myself with people and experiences that would help guide me on my path.

Almost immediately, I became immersed in Mexico City’s spiritual community. After meeting lots of beautiful souls at an event hosted by the Open/Sex-Positive Community, I began running into the same people at other events, in the streets, at friend’s houses, etc. Also, there is a Whatsapp group for pretty much any interest you may have. For my US readers who may be unfamiliar with Whatsapp, the first thing you should know is that we are pretty much the only country who doesn't use it. Adding that to the list of things we do differently. All it is is a messaging app, but the big advantages of using that over iMessage or texting is that it just uses Internet. That being said, there is no polarizing "blue or green" texts to mess up a group chat, making it much more conducive to creating large group chats for as many as 1,000 users.

Just like that, Mexico City felt like home. My job became pretty easy once I got the hang of it, and because I worked smarter and not harder, I was able to enjoy life pretty much exactly how I wanted to. I was living my best life.

One night, while hanging out with my dear friend Bailey at her apartment, she remarked "Didn't you want to do a peyote ceremony? They're posting about one on the Hermanas Hermosas group". Hermanas Hermosas is a global feminine movement that has a Whatsapp group for pretty much every major city around the world and many others for smaller towns but with a spiritual community present. Some get so big that they have to separate into smaller topics as to not spam everyone in Mexico City with apartment ads if they aren't looking for an apartment. In this case, there was a post in the Hermanas Wellness group sharing that sure enough, a peyote ceremony was being led by two women up north in the very desert to which the plant is native.

I sprang into action, as it was Wednesday, and the trip left that very Friday morning. Thanks to the help of my friends, I was able to collect the necessary supplies for a night out in the desert under the stars, called in sick to work that Friday, and I was off to experience the healing powers of hikuri.

It would be wonderful to tell you that I had a powerful, life transformational experience sitting with this medicine; however, that Thursday before the ceremony, I got some awful stomach bug. That day, I could not keep down even water, and I toyed heavily with the idea of cancelling the trip. However, there was no way I was going to miss what I felt was an opportunity that did not come many times, so I came armed with anti-stomach-explodey pills and somehow got myself to the meeting point that Friday morning.

With the group, we went out into the desert with flashlights to find and harvest our cacti medicine. Then, we set up around a fire, prepared the plants, made a delicious tea full of medicinal herbs and more cacti, and prepared the ceremony. My intention was to ask for guidance on what is my purpose. After consuming the recommended dose, about half an hour, I had an euphoric beginning to the trip. Then, I felt called to lay down in my sleeping bag, so I listened to my body and got comfortable. I fell asleep for the majority of the night. Upon waking up, I was initially quite mad - I came all the way out to the desert and I didn't get to talk to the blue stag spirit of peyote? However, I do believe the message was that I needed to give myself time to rest. Living in a city as active and exciting as CDMX meant that most of my free time was spent out of the house, and that was probably not the way I would find clarity. Also, I learned the importance of not having any expectations.

Three months into Mexico City living, Australia announced they were finally re-opening their borders. To my family and I, that meant we could finally get the chance to visit my brother Jesse and sister-in-love Kiki (because “sister-in-law” just doesn’t fit) who had been living on the strictly locked down island since Covid began. This meant I could either keep paying rent while I was away in order to keep my apartment, or… an idea sprouted.

Instead of coming back to Mexico City, I could move out of my apartment, and start to travel Mexico when I got back. The city was feeling comfortable, which was lovely, but also a sign that it’s time to move on. I had developed a support network that gave me the confidence I needed to spread my wings.

It was decided. When I returned to Mexico from Australia in August, I flew back to CDMX for a short visit, then began my solo exploration of the country.

Chapter 4: The Bird Migrates Farther South

Now that I had nourished the soil and grown new roots, I was craving expansion towards the sun. The previous months’ themes were reestablishing confidence in myself, completing DUI obligations, and building up my savings again. Here is the part of my journey where I feel like my real growth starts. 

After months of hearing stories and recommendations, I decided I would start my nomadic chapter in the state of Oaxaca. First stop was Puerto Escondido, known as one of the best surf spots in the world and for its hippy party vibes. As I do not surf nor was in a partying mode, I did not fall head over heels for the town. The main areas were mostly filled with other international folk, which was a con for me, as I wanted to leave the bubble of Mexico City to get to know a more authentic side of Mexico.

As soon as I arrived in Puerto, I felt stressed to find friends. Company. Community. I knew a handful of people from CDMX who happened to be there at the same time, connected with some friends of friends, and met people on my own. Despite this, my social life was the area where I felt the most resistance. I was expecting the luck and speed I found people in Mexico City to be the same there. Well, that was not the case. And this frustrated me. Which forced me to take a step back and reflect - why did this cause me frustration? Was I putting too much value on spending time with others instead of just enjoying life?

…Ope.

Yep.

Out of discomfort came a lesson: I should be acting as my #1 source of company and entertainment. And, quality over quantity. This is a lesson I had begun to learn already when I moved back to Ventura, my mainly friend-less hometown; however, this time, it resonated on an even smaller scale: if I have to choose between doing something with an acquaintance vs. doing it alone, I would much rather be alone.

One night under an almost full moon, I decided I would lead my own healing ceremony instead of going out. I brought my crystals, candles, journal, and rapé upstairs to the rooftop of the house I was staying in, feeling quite proud of my fully equipped witchy starter pack. For those who don’t know, rapé (pronounced RAH-pay) is a type of plant medicine made mainly of tobacco. Usually, a pea sized amount of the powdered plant is blown into your nose through a pipe, either by yourself or another person. The first time I did a rapé ceremony was with my brother in Australia, who administered it to me. This would be just my second time using this plant medicine, and the first time from the nasal spray bottle Jesse and Kiki gifted to me.

Prepared with Kleenex and a trash can in case of possible purging, I shot a spray of medicinal tobacco into each of my nostrils and relaxed back into a hammock. The sensation started by feeling like the lights inside my brain suddenly surged on, and then a tingly wave washed down from the top of my body all the way down to my toes. It was very similar to the feeling of adrenaline, except more powerful and also quite dizzying. The mango I ate earlier was all of a sudden no longer welcome in my stomach.

About five to ten minutes passed where I felt nausea and ecstasy at the same time. The urge to yell and clear my throat arose, and I realized I should be using my Voice more, as what I have to say has value. Then, in this state of clarity and heightened awareness, an idea zapped into my mind - weekend retreats for girls. All around me there are retreats offered for adults focused on various spiritual offerings, but why not kids, too?

Whoa.

That was something to think about.

I took out my journal and began agreeing with all those Instagram posts that talk about how the greatest growth is done in solitude

I resolved to do this more often.

So, I gave gratitude to Puerto Escondido for its technicolor sunsets, dreamy beaches, and the ability to party barefoot or in Crocs and flew back to CDMX. There I met one of my best friends from Barcelona who was in Mexico traveling with his partner.

After keeping it relatively chill in terms of partying in Puerto, I was excited to let go in the city. Unfortunately, on our first night out, my phone and wallet were stolen out of my fanny pack.

Aaaarrggg!

WhHyyy, again, when I felt like I was in such a sweet groove, did I have to be punished?

I guess I had mOrE lEsSoNs iN rEsPoNsIbiLItY tO lEaRn, said with my hands on my hips, my mouth pursed, and my eyes glaring.

As any mature adult would.

Fortunately, my community jumped in right away to support me, with a temporary phone to borrow and money to lend. My mom and I worked relentlessly in attempts to get a new phone sent to me from the US before my flight back to Oaxaca, but Mexican customs said “jaja, na”.

So, off I went, back to the coast of Oaxaca, with my iPhone sequestered in CDMX customs, and a Kodak brand phone as my new travel buddy. My next destination: Mazunte, a town a little over an hour south of Puerto Escondido that boasts the title of being one of Mexico’s 132 “Pueblos Mágicos”. It became obvious very quickly that the town was indeed a magical one.

Chapter 5: The Bird Questions Her Reality

Even though I was in Mazunte for just two weeks, it felt like two decades. Some of the beaches there have black sand, due to underwater volcanic eruptions reaching the shore. This meant the sand was literally magnetic, an effect I felt made time pass slower and in a more relaxed way there than anywhere I’d ever traveled to. The town was the perfect size for me: there was one main road, unpaved, that led to the beach with some side streets, little shops, and cafes with palapa style roofs made of palm leaves. A mix of national and international humans exchanged real eye contact and smiles when passing each other on the street. There was a lot to smile about when living in a hippie paradise surrounded by lush, tropical foliage like coconut and banana trees.

In the midst of all this abundance is where the concept of “The Matrix” really entered my consciousness, thanks to conversations with many of the town's eclectic souls. Bear with me as I take a break from the narration of events to share the journey of how Mazunte really brought the red pill / blue pill metaphor to light.

Take my job as an example: Monday - Friday from 11am to 8pm, with the exception of an hour lunch break, I am expected to be in front of a laptop, aka plugged into The Matrix. The rest of the world basically ceases to exist as I listen to the concerns of people on the other line, pressing buttons that cause prescribers to order prescriptions, pharmacists to dispense medication, therapists to attend patients, banks to deposit refunds, etc etc. In this way, if you look at my job with a wide angle lens, I am altering the reality of people thousands of miles away with the sound of my voice and the touch of my fingers against the keyboard. Why? Multiple reasons. Mainly, because it’s my job, so I have been told that if I do so, I will get paid.

To counter, there is more motivation than just money for me in my role. I believe that we deliver services that really are helping people, and I also know that I spread as much love and light into every interaction possible. So, I hold onto the knowledge that I am planting seeds of positivity in the vulnerable hearts of humans seeking mental health services as another reason, apart from money, that I do my job.

Alright, then, now the big question - would I still do this job if I wasn’t paid?

Honestly, no. Or at least for a lot less hours a day.

Aha.

So, what would I like to do? What skills do I possess that I could offer the world if the Matrix ceased to exist?

Feel free to take a break here and join me in one of my daily existential crises.

In that magical town where nobody seems to know what day or time it is, I toyed heavily with the idea of indefinitely powering off my work laptop and surrendering fully to the fate of the Universe. I could teach English at the school there, or online, or something.

But that’s the problem.

I still didn’t have a goal or idea to motivate me enough to take a risk that big.

So, I didn’t take the red pill.

I did not feel ready.

My Kodak Moment, as I referred to my phone, greatly limited my ability to communicate and stay connected to loved ones. My iPhone was still collecting dust in Mexico City’s customs and I wanted my high tech cyborg brain back. Also, I had more travel plans ahead of me that required money, so a steady paycheck and an ever-increasing savings account would help me reach those dreams with ease. So, I continued with my blue pill work routine, choosing comfort over freedom from the Man.

But, with knowledge comes power. Mazunte changed me. I set a goal: Develop skills that would allow me more freedom in how I make a living. Rather than invest time in a company so it could make money, I wanted to invest time in me so I could support myself on my own. For one, I would need a new laptop, as we all know technology is a useful tool for learning and making connections. With that in mind, I decided it would be the easiest and cheapest to work on attaining technological autonomy back home in California. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I decided that would be a perfect time to go home and be surrounded by sweet, familial love as well as take advantage of the benefits of capitalism.

With some tangible goals set in place, the storm in my mind began to settle down. A compass and a map helps greatly in navigating the ever changing winds of life. However, the journey ahead still lacked clarity. I knew what tools I would search for while at my next port; however, there was still the unanswered question my whole crew was waiting on: Where are we going next?

Chapter 6: The Bird Continues Her Search

My course veered north towards the mountains, with a big chunk of my heart left behind in Mazunte. For the next two weeks, I explored the high elevation towns of San Jose del Pacifico and San Mateo del Rio Hondo. To me, San Jose’s nickname should be “Mushroom Disneyland'' due to the fact that the majority of travelers who go there are seeking to experience psychedelic mushrooms. The knowledge of this practice was originally brought to the town by María Sabina, the famous chamanic healer. With a view of endless mountain ridges, I sat in my room with the sacred medicine and asked for clarity as to what is my life’s purpose, but unfortunately did not get the answers I had hoped for. I did, however, eat some of the best mushroom soup and quesadillas ever, and marveled at the way the clouds gracefully changed form over the endless mountain peaks.

I wished I could change as gracefully as those clouds.

In San Mateo del Rio Hondo, I got to experience a non-touristy mountain town, just 30 minutes away from Mushroom Disneyland. The scenery was also stunning, and I could enjoy them from a cozy cabin that was half the price of what I paid in San Jose and double the amount of space. Also, for the first time in weeks, I could cook in my living space, as where I stayed in Mazunte and San Jose had no kitchens. I enjoyed playing house in my little cabin, buying freshly cooked beans and tortillas from a woman that sold them from her kitchen down the street, and worked outside on my balcony with a view.

Next up on the tour of Oaxaca state was Oaxaca de Juárez, aka Oaxaca city. My first question was: have you ever seen the word “Oaxaca” used 3 times in one sentence? Hehehe ok only joking. My first impression was that it was jarring coming to a city after being held so gently in small towns surrounded by nature. But, reliable Wifi and finally getting my iPhone back were welcome pros.

My intentions going into that leg of the trip were to consume so much mole that it would become my blood type as well as experience all the Día de los Muertos magic possible. It was time to have a break from my intense self reflection and relax a bit.

There was one other city resource I was eager to take advantage of - health clinics. I had decided I wanted to get my IUD removed, for a number of reasons. Since the age of 17, I had been on some form of hormonal birth control. Now, at 28, I was getting the feeling that maybe I wasn't able to find clarity due to being less connected to my body's natural rhythms. I had been learning about how a women's wisdom comes from our womb and I wanted to get in touch with mine. Initially, the lack of having a period excited me when I got my IUD inserted in March 2021 (when I moved back to the US); however, I actually missed my monthly reminder of my feminine power. Being around so many spiritual women who cherished and ritualized their moon cycle also animated my interest to do the same.

Another reason was that when talking to women my age and older, they shared with wild glints in their eyes about feeling their sex drives begin to increase. This is usually the case as we get into our 30's, but I was just not feeling it. I wanted that wild glint, too. And finally, in the simplest of ways, I was excited to return to a body that was 100% natural, for the sake of my own physical health.

In the first week of my stay in Oaxaca, I was connected with a goddess named Marluy I met through the Hermanas Hermosas Oaxaca Whatsapp group when asking for a hairdresser recommendation. During my haircut, I shared my thoughts with her about my IUD, she supported my idea to get it removed, and discussed her own journey. It was the final motivation I needed to schedule an appointment. The very next day, she accompanied me to a clinic where I bid farewell to my Mirena. She held my hand and brought me lentils and a mix of feminine herbs to make tea in case of cramps. What a blessing it was to be supported by a sister in my time of need.

To allow myself time to reconnect with my body, I decided to combine the removal of my IUD with the start of intentional celibacy. This would be quite the new journey for me, as I love casual physical connections, but I was interested in experimenting in something different. Again influenced by other women around me and a podcast episode, the idea of saving my intimacy for myself and only the highest level connection was empowering.

Later on in the month, I was grateful to reunite with my good friend Bailey, who had also decided to leave Mexico City to check out Oaxaca's famous Muertos celebrations. We agreed that Oaxaca’s food reputation lived up to the hype as we explored the wide array of restaurants together. Additionally, the nearby towns are full of natural and cultural allure, and I had a blast exploring it all.

Yet, despite trying to give myself a break, the feelings of frustration and being stuck remained. I was filled with the feeling that I wanted to move forward, like a constant push, but I was unsure of where to direct that energy.

On one of those days when I was feeling extra discouraged, I decided I had to do something to give myself a feeling of hope.

I opened up an application for a working holiday visa in Australia.

That’s how everyone solves their problems, right? Find a new country and make plans to go there? No? Hmm, can’t relate (hehehe).

Anyway, I was granted the visa two days after I sent in the application. This brought me immediate, immense relief, like I had finally found a trail marker after wandering aimlessly for weeks - “This Way: Australia”. A clear option I could use to get myself out of the rut I was in.

Getting the visa was not as entirely spontaneous as it may sound. Ever since learning about the working holiday visa in high school, I knew it was something I wanted to take advantage of before I turned 30, which was approaching. The plan became: explore the remaining regions of Mexico left on my list while continuing to work for Cerebral, then jet off across the globe to a country where the work conditions and pay seemed to be a much healthier balance than my current situation.

In the Land Down Unda, you can actually make a decent salary from just a part time job, a concept completely alien to your average United Statesarian. With more free time, I could take courses, have hobbies, and overall have more than just the weekend to explore my interests. That sounded like a great environment to continue my self discovery mission.

Hilariously enough, that very week, I received an email from the Peace Corps inviting me to serve in the Dominican Republic as a Spanish Secondary School Teacher. Remember back when I moved home from Barcelona, I had applied and interviewed? They stayed in touch by email, asking me once every couple of moons to see that if I wasn’t invited to serve in X country, would I be open to serve in Y, Z, etc country? Always wanting to keep my options open, I would reply “yes, I’ll go anywhere Spanish speaking”. After months of playing this game, it made me want to pull my hair out that I had finally achieved a goal that I worked towards, but at such the wrong time. They gave me just a weekend to make my decision, so even though I felt honored to have been offered this opportunity, it did not spark joy. I checked the “decline invitation” box, sent a thank you email, and moved on. Aaarggg.

On October 28, 2023, the kickoff event of the Día de los Muertos celebration was a free concert in the Plaza de la Danza. During a parade, I linked up with a big group of travelers from a Whatsapp group, and we excitedly walked alongside masked and painted people so gorgeously done up and making all of my Coco movie dreams come to life. Upon arrival at the plaza, we walked through the crowd to find a spot to watch the concert. I reached into my bag to take out my phone, and to my absolute rage, found it had been stolen.

Again.

Not even a month after I got it back from Mexican customs. Someone had cut a slit into the side of my fabric tote bag and taken it out without me feeling a thing.

Now a pro in getting my phone stolen, a kind friend I had made in the city and I went to the police station two days in a row, as I was determined to do everything possible to try to retrieve my expensive rectangular block. They took us to the location as shown on the Find My iPhone app, talked to the neighbors, but were unable to retrieve it. Not much of a surprise, but I had to try. At least this time I knew I would be home soon where I could use insurance to get a replacement. However, it drove me up the wall that the same thing had happened again so soon. Plus I found out I still had to pay a deductible for the insurance, causing me to have to dip into my Australia savings fund.

When are phones going to just be installed into our eyeballs? That should be thief-proof… right?

Anyway, I gave my best wishes that whoever took it was able to provide for themselves and/or family because of it, and that they may one day find a path that brings them self-sustaining financial wealth. The money I lost would come back to me ten fold.

Time to move on.

As I boarded the bus from Oaxaca city to Mexico City, the end of my Tour of Oaxaca State Life Chapter materialized before my eyes. Present turned into the past tense. My eyes welled with emotion and my heart felt so many feelings: amazement, sadness, pride… and gratitude. So much gratitude. August in Puerto Escondido and Mexico City, September in Mazunte and the Sierra Sur mountains, and October in Oaxaca de Juárez. What I was craving more than anything at that moment was family and community. Empowering as it is to depend fully on myself, life is all about balance, and I was ready to go home and let someone else take care of me.

Chapter 7: The Bird is Ready for Some Serious Nest Time

Before flying back to California, I spent a week in Mexico City reconnecting with my community. The process of reflecting upon my months of adventures and growth began as I caught up with beloved friends. Then, it was off to LAX to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. The Beth who was home in July vs the Beth who came home in November felt more centered, more confident, and closer to finding clarity… but still, not quite there.

Patience. I was doing my best to be patient with myself.

Meanwhile, I accepted all of the love and help of my incredible family.

It is a glorious gift to be able to have a safe and nurturing nest to be able to lay down my tired wings.

At home, I called on more than just my family to help guide me to clarity - I also reached out to a professional. Back in Mazunte, my cabin buddy had introduced me to the podcast As Above, So Below, hosted by Cato, a professional astrologer and business coach. I had been wanting to get a reading done for so long but hadn’t found the right person or moment. Once I finished listening to every podcast episode, I knew she was it. I booked the session for the day before Thanksgiving.

To nobody’s surprise, my biggest hope for the reading was to gain insight as to what I should do with my life. As Cato specializes in Evolutionary Astrology, that is one of the main offerings of this way of interpreting charts: to discover what is my soul’s blueprint and life purpose.

If I had to describe the session in three words, they would be Unlock, Recharge, and Inspire.

Hearing her describe my planets, houses, and transits affirmed ideas I had been toying around with as well as lit up new neural pathways. It was like the dark sky was suddenly filled with bright stars, all within touchable distance. Like the cosmos, they were there all along, I was just given the guidance to look up and identify them. After she articulated so many of my innate talents and interests, I felt like I had all the ingredients laid out in front of me. The only question remaining was: what recipe would I choose? (Yes I used two metaphors in one paragraph and yes I’m keeping them both. I’m an Aquarius sun and will rebel against all rules, and a stubborn Taurus rising who will find any excuse to talk about food. Hehehe)

Days after the reading, Cato reached out to me to let me know she was having a Black Friday sale on her upcoming Astrology Course offering. With hardly a second thought, I signed up. It felt perfectly in line with my goal to invest in myself and my passions, one of them having always been astrology. Since it was presented to me so easily in my path, my gut said go for it. TIme to start breaking patterns and doing something new! Excitement fluttered in my heart and fresh doors of opportunity began constructing themselves in my brain.

Other housekeeping items I got done at home was pressing the Reset button on my material belongings to reprogram for a new chapter. I had been lugging around a 50 pound suitcase, duffel bag, and backpack throughout Oaxaca and I was so ready to downsize. It was all too clear that I had been holding on to too much, making it difficult to move - physically, and metaphorically. This time, I mindfully stocked my backpacking backpack with clothes for both hot and cold weather, made the painful decision to leave behind my nail polish collection, and added my newly acquired travel yoga mat and iPad to the set up. Instead of carrying around my markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing pad, and books, I decided that an iPad would fulfill my artistic desires when they arrived, act as a reader for any book I may want, and be a replacement for my work laptop when the time came to quit my job. The cherries on top were a Swiss army knife keychain and a headlamp, gifted to me by my dad. Never underestimate the value of either of those tools.

After two weeks at home, it was back to LAX . There is a special type of confidence inspired by the feeling of being prepared for anything with just the gear carried on your back. I decided to begin this leg of Mexico travels in a new way: previously, I had booked in advance all the places I stayed in. However, this time, I decided to try something different - stay in a hostel for the weekend and look for a place once I got there.

Why? (a question especially asked by my plan-loving parents)

I wanted to try trusting the Universe.

To do something different to then trigger new outcomes. I was trying to get unstuck, and that would not happen by doing things the same way.

Plus, seeing places in person is way different than online. An added bonus.

After taking the first day to get a lay of the land, do a free walking tour, and get added to a Whatsapp group for housing, my second day in San Cristóbal de las Casas had a clear goal: find a place to rent by the end of the day. That Sunday turned into a real life International House Hunters episode and I had a blast. I visited three apartments, made a little visual of their pros and cons, but in the end, I relied most on my intuition to guide me to make a decision.

Of the three, there was one that stood out. It was a suite style apartment in a compound with a garden and sixteen total units, the majority occupied by young, international humans. As an added bonus, across the street was a community center that hosted donation based dinners every Friday, organized in part by some of the neighbors in my apartment building. 

Community.

It came with a built-in community.

Now, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing to be able to filter for in an apartment searching app?

Happy as a clam, I unpacked my things and began the nesting process. San Cristóbal de las Casas, or San Cris for short, is a Pueblo Mágico in the state of Chiapas, nestled 2,200 m (7,200 ft) up in the mountains. Just like my previous travels, trusted sources had recommended this town for reasons such as its abundant nature, indigenous cultural presence, and spiritual community presence.

In San Cris, I decided that my intention was to stay put. I had realized that as much as I love exploring, it is time consuming to make reservations, figure out buses, be in transit, get settled in a new place, etc etc. Instead, I wanted to use my free time to focus on my own projects.

Do less to do more.

Crisp, sunny days and chilly nights aligned beautifully with my intentions. Cold climates naturally bring out my more hermetic qualities, perfect for the introspection and focus for which I was yearning. Yet, the same frustration bubbled up.

What is my purpose? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Again, and again, and again, these heavy hitting questions flooded my brain, and I was still drowning. Yes, I had my ideas, but I felt like I needed to start making progress and I didn't know where to begin.

I needed fresh air. A new strategy.

A lightbulb clinked on in my brain: I should write about my journey.

Like a hike in the woods, if you realize you are lost, it is not recommended to keep moving forward. Instead, you should either stay where you are, or try to backtrack. Did I feel lost in the woods? Yes. So, maybe if I took the time to map out my past, I could get an idea of where I am now.

Now, isn’t it funny how the expression “we teach best what we most need to learn” is so spot on? I am passionate about mental health and work in the field, yet, I struggle to remember to use the very coping strategies I recommend.

Welp, better late than never.

So, I got to the mission. Every morning before work, I would get out my laptop and start writing. Instead of just journaling about this for my own sake, I decided that sharing my story could help others who might be feeling the same way. As children, we read books that help us learn to share, resolve conflicts, and be a better person. Where are the stories for young adults?

Always loving a good visual aid, the idea of a bird’s journey resonated as a way to structure the long tale I set out to tell.

And here we are now.

Chapter 8: What Happened Once the Bird Finally Stayed Still

Isolating myself during the week to focus on writing and work was easier knowing that on Friday night, I had a reliable plan: walk across the street to the Casa Lab community space for the weekly dinner. This completely erased the usual New Place routine of “how will I make friends? Where should I go? What if I don’t meet anyone and then I waste my time and money?” At Casa Lab, I already knew two of my neighbors would be there. I shared the invitation in the group chat with the rest of my apartment complex as well. And, since it was so close to my home, there was no need to worry about what time I finished work, how to get there, if I would be arriving late, etc, etc. All family style, all close to home, all inclusive. No resistance in sight.

There, I began making connections with people who all chose to eat family style over any other Friday night plan. This meant that we all valued community. With that already in common, I felt more confident that the people I met there were the type of people I wanted to be spending time around.

Just like that, San Cris felt like home. My new friends invited me to movies, dinners, day trips, and even a big family style Christmas (/Hanukkah, hehe) dinner. Even though I was feeling so happy with my community there and my experiment in staying static, months ago I had taken off the first week of January to allow myself to explore Guatemala. I had doubts about going, thinking maybe I should just stay in San Cris to do more writing, connecting, etc, but my gut said no - give yourself this vacation. Chase your dreams. Go be free.

There was also another reason why I wanted to get to know Guatemala: my maternal great grandfather is Guatemalan. Carlos Eduardo Lascoutx Campo was a pilot in the Guatemalan Air Force who planted his seed during a trip to California. My great grandmother, Claudia Rateaver, was not ready for the responsibility of being a mother and put their boy up for adoption. Claud Rateaver became James Dale Macomber upon adoption. My grandfather. After he found out he was adopted, he got in contact with his biological mother Claudia, and developed a passion to trace his biological family. With my grandmother and their four kids, they spent years traveling the world to research and document our family tree. Thanks to that, we have two published books that contain cataloged data of our family roots. No need to sign up for Ancestry.com for my mom’s side of the family!

Pretty incredible, huh? I am in awe of their work and so grateful for the time they took to connect with such long reaching branches of our family tree.

Getting back to the story, before the trip, I did some research as to where I wanted to go in Guatemala and what I wanted to do. I had heard about the overnight trip to the Acatenango Volcano, where you could see the active volcano Fuego erupting at night.

Lava. Real life lava.

My inner child overflowed with delight at the prospect, as little Beth was obsessed with dinosaurs and all types of natural disasters.

Then, someone I met at an Airbnb back in CDMX had told me that Lake Atitlán, the deepest lake in Central America, was a place people flocked to for New Years. Deciding it would be nice to ring in the New Years surrounded by nature, I booked a shuttle to Panajachel, one of the twelve towns that surround the lake.

And that was the end of my plans.

I booked nothing but the transportation there and decided to leave everything absolutely open for the eleven days I had off. To continue my exploration of surrendering to the Universe, I would rely on my intuition to guide me and flow with whatever felt right.

I believe that that was the key that unlocked a trip that gave me more than I could have ever imagined.

Chapter 9: The Bird Discovers a Magic Lake

On the journey to the lake, the people I made friends with in the bus were all going to the same place: the Cosmic Convergence Festival. I had heard of the festival and knew someone from San Cris was going, but it was pretty expensive, and I did not want to commit to anything in advance. However, one of my guiding principles is to be around people I want to be like, so judging from the fact that the people I seemed to vibe with the most on the bus were going to the festival, I decided it was a sign that that is where I should go, too.

Something fascinating I learned from a person I met on the bus, Cozcacuahutli (or Cozcatl for short) from Mexico, is that at the bottom of Lake Atitlán is a submerged Mayan village. Basically a Guatemalan Atlantis. Then, let’s not forget that the lake is bordered by not one, not two, but three volcanoes. That’s a lot of fiery, spiritual energy for one lake.

Upon arrival in Panajachel, Cozcatl and I put our belongings down in a room rented to us by a friend of his. Exhausted from the 13 hour journey across Mexico and Guatemala, we ate dinner, browsed the unbelievably creative and colorful textiles for sale, then called it an early night.

The next morning, we crossed paths with three other people headed to the festival, Joey, Daniella, and Michael. They invited us to join forces and charter a ride directly to Santiago, the town where the festival was held. As we sped across the choppy waters, I got my first daytime view of Lake Atitlán.

I was taken aback.

The three volcanoes seemed to have a humble, graceful presence, kind of like big dog energy: they were aware of their grand beauty and power, but did think themselves better than anyone because of it. As my mouth gaped open, Joey shared that he had manifested some of his greatest dreams at this lake. Zaps of electricity sparked inside me and I felt the magic energy of the lake light me up. Big things were coming, I could feel it.

Exhilarated by the brisk winds of the boat ride, we arrived in Santiago hungry for the next adventure. We parted ways with the three musketeers and bumped our way in a tuk tuk across cobblestones and dirt roads to the festival entrance. Cozcatl met up with some friends of his and after setting up the tent and painting our faces, I was eager to check out this new environment on my own. While walking around, a woman announced the beginning of a self defense workshop, so I took that as my opportunity to separate myself from the group. Immersing myself in all that the festival had to offer began.

At the workshop, I connected with a woman who had been given a big tent in the artist’s camping section to stay in, as she was going to step in and play drums for a band in need. She offered to share her tent with me, which I gratefully accepted, as Cozcatl’s tent would have been a little snug for two. Once my sleeping situation was settled, I was in need of some alone time, so I found a path to the water and took out my journal.

I closed my eyes and breathed, in and out deeply.

I felt the brisk air fill my lungs and after a few moments, reopened my eyes.

Somehow, I was at a music festival on a lake with a sunken ancient town at the bottom and volcanoes all around. I felt deep gratitude for the ability to be alive in such a special place and thanked myself for all the work I did to bring me there. It was December 30th, 2022 and time to set intentions for the New Year.

When pen hit the paper, the difference between writing my intentions for 2022 and for 2023 was clear: this time, I wrote detailed, specific goals. Instead of just “work hard on passion projects”, I specified that I wanted to write in my blog at least once every three months, host one storytelling event, etc. Manifesting my dreams using the magic of the lake inspired me, and I felt the beauty surrounding me seep into my every cell.

I soaked it up like a sponge.

I became as present as possible, consciously anchoring myself in that moment so I could later come back to that feeling whenever I may desire.

Inspired by the idea of using the lake’s mystical energy to manifest my own dreams, I decided to open up about some of the concepts I had been developing and see what it felt like to share them. With surprising speed, the Universe ushered people who mirrored my state of consciousness into my path: astrologers, female program leaders, community builders. When I shared my ideas with them, I was met with encouragement, praise, and offers to stay in touch. Co-creating with people who want to do the same things as me or are already doing them was an ingredient I had overlooked, and definitely now added to the recipe.

I also found that the more vocal I became about my intentions, the more energy of support I felt. People really listened to my ideas and gave me valuable feedback. Each new perspective was like shining a new light on an idea, so that little by little, the beginning embryonic stage of my dreams began to form recognizable shapes, colors, textures, movement, smells, and sounds. Clarity. It was all coming together.

In these moments, I began to understand why people use the phrase “to birth an idea”. My long period of preparation was necessary and natural, and now I was starting to feel the first thrilling kicks of life.

After the festival, I spent three nights in San Marcos la Laguna, another town on the lake. This was the most spiritual of them all and became sort of the after-party of the festival - in the drum circle, medicine songs type of way. Just minutes after disembarking the speed boat, I was walking up "Hippie Highway" - aka the main pedestrian path of the town - and was approached by a muscular, handsome Italian man, asking "Do you need a hostel?" It was love at first sight - with San Marcos, I mean. Immediately I was welcomed into a sweet hostel with a garden, outdoor kitchen, and a two story house equipped with plenty of comfy beds.

Exhausted after my nights of camping in the cold at the festival, I dropped anchor on one of the beds and connected to Wifi for the first time in days. Some long minutes of scrolling later, I heard the door open, and my Italian host Eduardo had caught another homeless fish from the stream. The fish's name was Dario, from Costa Rica, and somehow full of energy despite the fact that he had also attended the festival. He promptly asked me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't, and informed me we could go together once he had a shower. Ah yes, those two basic needs I needed to accomplish. Saved by this cheerful angel, I lugged myself off the bed to feel hot water on my body for the first time since arriving in Guatemala and go off in search of sustenance with my new friend.

In our hostel with no name, Dario and I soon added Klas and Amanda, a couple from Sweden who had also been at Cosmic, to our happy family. It makes me laugh that I lived in Sweden for nine months but had to go all the way to Guatemala to actually make Swedish friends. Being around these kindhearted souls was like tying the bow on the festival experience. We cooked together, explored together, shared dreams together, and laughed together - lots and lots of laughing.

I bid them a temporary goodbye, because I still had one last thing I had to do: climb the Acatenango Volcano. Through a tour company in San Marcos, I was able to arrange transportation from the lake to Antigua, where I would link up with the group I'd do the hike with. My group turned out to just be myself and a Costa Rican couple, who were pleasant but not too talkative, and we were taken by a driver to our local guide's house. There, we met Jorge and his family, who provided us with a packed lunch, water, and walking sticks (I already had a headlamp, remember? Just had to point that out. Ok, back to the story). We were then whisked off to the base of the volcano to began the steep, uphill climb. Five hours of huffing, puffing, peeling layers on and off, a stop for lunch, and countless breaks later, we arrived to base camp on the side of the volcano. It was time for a nap. When night arrived, the temperature plummeted and the wind soared, but that is when the active volcano Fuego begins to erupt. About every half an hour to hour or so, if you are watching at the right moment, the volcano explodes and you can see lava trickle down in little vein-like rivers. Bucket list item completed: see lava in real life.

Throughout the night, it was exhilarating being awakened by the boom of wind from the eruption. The air would slam into the plastic walls of our camp and we could feel the ground shake. After the boom, the clashing sound of rocks sliding down its gravely body always followed. In a way, I was reminded of sleeping next to the ocean, except instead of waves, it was lava, rocks, and smoke causing the sounds. Definitely the most extreme camping experience I've ever had. That night, the winds were too strong to be able to safely attempt the optional nocturnal hike to Fuego. It was something I would have wanted to do; however, the freezing temperatures and the state of fatigue I was in also welcomed the opportunity to sleep instead.

In the morning, we awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. It is curious how Fuego's lava becomes shy during the day, emitting only clouds of black smoke. Once we finished breakfast, we all agreed we wanted to do the final optional hike to the top of Acatenango. Reaching the top of the 13,041 ft (3,976 m) summit was one of the most difficult physical experiences I have ever paid and willingly chosen to be put through (humans are so insane), but worth it. I mean, I can't say I climbed almost all the way to the top.

If 2023 started with me sleeping next to an active volcano and climbing to the top of an even higher dormant one, what will I be able to accomplish with the rest of the year? Achieving that will be my reminder that with a clear goal, proper preparation, endurance, and determination, I will be able to make more dreams come true. The only limit is my imagination.

Chapter 10: The Bird Prepares to Hatch Some Eggs

I had been pushing myself so hard to find answers, I had gotten stuck in my mind. When I dropped down into my heart and intuition, it was like everything shifted into place.

Once I paused to consider what I already knew how to do, I realized how many talents and how much experience I have. I had been allowing society’s conditioning messages that I needed to pursue a Master’s, or find a high paying position with ample benefits, or work extra hard to climb the corporate ladder as the only outlets to further my professional life. That was what was making me feel stuck. Perhaps in a previous generation, those were the options. A set in stone formula that rigidly demanded all people should evolve in the same way.

Well, all people are not the same.

When I allowed myself to imagine and dream big, that was where I finally found a path that lit up my insides.

Astrology.

Community building.

Working with teenage girls, their moms, and their grandmas in education and recreation.

Creating something.

Since what society presented to me did not resonate, I realized that I have to create my own path.

Duuuh, I’m an Aquarius Sun, Mars, and Venus. I can’t do anything like anyone else. I am here to innovate, rebel, and change the world - not follow anyone else’s rules.

So, now what?

Time to take action.

Day by day, I am going to take steps that will bring me closer to my goals.

January 18th, 2023 was the start of the Astrology Course that I signed up for back on Black Friday. By the end of this course, I will possess the astrological knowledge and business strategies to be able to become a professional astrologer.

That is my short term professional goal.

My long term professional goal came to me when I sat with rapé on the rooftop in Puerto Escondido. The initial seed that sprouted was a general idea: I wanted to create some kind of outside of school, wellness retreat-style program for girls. Since that initial bloom, the vines have been slowly and steadily creeping throughout my body, forming more and more connections until I now have a living, breathing goal rooted deep within me.

I want to create a program for teenage girls to come together, form sisterhood, learn about essential life topics not taught in school, combine generations, and have fun while doing it. There is such a need for more spaces for girls and women to connect, everywhere in the world, so we can share knowledge, support each other through our highs and our lows, and create community - for all, without sports, politics, religion, culture, etc being at the center.

Creating this program would use every single one of my talents and experiences to form something that I see that our world lacks. At the end of this post, I’ll share more about this, for anyone interested.

Excitement buzzes through my body just to talk about it.

And there you have it.

My life journey over the past 10 years.

What it’s taken for me to finally find clarity. For the first time ever, I feel like I know who I am and my purpose in life. (At this moment, at least)

And it’s only just beginning.

In astrology, there is an important transit called a Saturn return, which usually takes place between the ages of 27 and 30, caused by Saturn returning to the same position it was when you were born. During this time, you will be forced to face the areas of your life that you may have previously ignored, as Saturn represents topics like maturity, hard work, accountability, and adulthood. The opportunity is to get serious about what your legacy is and take responsibility, or resist and continue playing it small. If you choose the latter option, when your Saturn return comes around a second time 30 years later, you will have the same problems to face.

Well, I am fully immersed in my Saturn return and am choosing to embrace it. I have suffered from being constantly wrought with thoughts of “Am I doing what I’m really supposed to be doing?” and answering no, time and time again. However, growth is uncomfortable, so out of this discomfort I am now finally feeling like I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am ready to make the changes in my life to close the first chapter and welcome in a beautiful transformation into adulthood. I am thrilled with the possibilities that await me and am committed to working hard to achieve them. A message I received at the magical lake in Guatemala was that there is no time to play small. We must dream big, as the universe is counting on each and every one of us to do what we can to restore love and light into the world. I am taking that energy into 2023 and sharing my intentions so that I will be held accountable.

My hope is that by sharing my journey, others may resonate and gain comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling lost, or ready for a big change. We must rise together to create the New World of our dreams. It is possible, but only through a collective shift. And that is happening.

So, that is what I’ve been doing :-)

♡ The End ♡ 

More About my Program Idea and Inspiration

Ever since my first job as a Camp Counselor at my temple’s summer camp, I've been searching for ways to make that position last throughout the year. Hence the reason I chose to study the Youth Work and Out of School Time concentration in my Child and Adolescent Development degree, as I knew I wanted to do something with kids, just not in school.

After years of working different jobs with children, I was feeling unbalanced, as I also had many other passions that tugged at my heart. I would love to study art, or nutrition, or plants, or yoga, or tour guiding, or therapy. The idea of picking just one stressed me out.

So… why not combine them all?

The solution: a program focused on girls and women to come together, form community, and empower the feminine uprising currently occurring on our planet. And make it fun, of course.

I want to take the best parts of the activities I grew up with that helped shape me, as well as what I have learned as an adult that I wish I knew as a kid.

One inspiration comes from the YMCA program I did growing up called Adventure Guides (previously Indian Guides, before PC culture emerged), similar to Girl/Boy Scouts. I was in a father daughter “tribe” that would meet once a month at a different member’s house to do arts and crafts, eat snacks, and always ended with a ritual that for each life event passed, we would receive a specific colored bead to add onto our necklace. Additionally, twice a year, all of the Adventure Guides tribes would gather for a weekend camping trip. Everyone would bring supplies not only for themselves, but also to contribute to communal meals, and of course prepare a skit to be presented around the fire on the last night of the weekend. All of this, in hindsight, was teaching me how to camp, survival skills, and intergenerational, communal living.

Another huge inspiration comes from my Jewish upbringing. I have so much gratitude for being raised in the Jewish community it’s hard to know where to begin. Despite what may come to mind when imagining an organized religion, Temple Beth Torah’s influence taught me to be open minded, humanitarian, spiritual, culturally aware, and outspoken. In the Torah, we are commanded to do “mitzvot”, or good deeds - not to get into Heaven or avoid Hell (Jews don’t have either of these beliefs); rather, just because it is the right thing to do. If you combine that with our long (and continued) history of persecution, this produces a person who really honors the value of helping others, no matter their background. Highlights from my Jewish education include social action projects, guided meditations during youth led services, organizing overnight raves in our temple for other Southern California Jewish high school youth groups to attend (yes, you read that right), and sweaty song sessions where we would belt our hearts out to “Wonderwall” accompanied by a throng of acoustic guitar wielding teenagers (looking back, some of the songs we sang were medicine songs that I continue to hear around healing ceremony fires). And, coincidentally, the Jewish high school youth group organization I was a part of, NFTY, also gave beads to add to your necklace for each event attended. Very tribal to use a decorative, visual system to determine someone’s status in life.

So, the dream is to form an intergenerational community and invite teachers of different disciplines to share their knowledge about subjects not commonly covered in the educational system. This is what I mean by the things that I wish I had learned when I was younger. My hope would be that early exposure to a wide variety of topics could lead to something sparking the interest of the participants, later turning into a roaring flame of passion and leadership.

PS - if you know someone doing something like this, have an idea, or want to somehow contribute, please message me! Co-creation is the best kind of creation ♡

Afterword

It has been a grounding and humbling experience converting my journey to words. This began as an exercise for myself to figure out what I’m doing. Thanks to my therapist pointing out that I am a visual learner, she suggested I draw or write out my life path, then add branches of ideas of where I could see it going. This is my interpretation of that suggestion, and wow am I proud of the hard work I put into it. I had been feeling like nobody really knows what I’ve been up to, seeing as I’m constantly moving around and interacting with new people that just know bits of my story. Then, I also realized, I don’t even fully know what I’ve been doing, as I haven’t given myself much time to stop, reflect, and think about how I want to move forward.

By pulling out the internal threads and weaving them into an external piece, I finally can put the finished work on the table and say “Look! This is me”. Now that I’ve made sense of my past and validated my experiences, I feel confident in charting the next course. I know where I’ve been and now I know where I want to go.

As a final anecdote, I was fortunate enough to experience the powerful Bufo medicine in a healing ceremony recently. When I returned to my body, I walked away from the group to give myself space, and immediately my eyes were drawn to a nest in a tree. Immediately, I thought about this story and felt grateful that the universe gave me such a clear sign. Synchronicity is so beautiful.

To conclude, I would love for anyone to reach out about anything this post might have stirred up inside you. Maybe you resonate with something, have questions, or share a common goal - whatever it may be, send me a message.

Thank you so much for reading and witnessing me on my journey. I love and appreciate you.

♡♡♡

[namazunomegami]

ahhh sorry, the heatwave fic i meant was the fic you reblogged, that three-part one, "affection's edge". i only saw it because i was following you, and when i realized you were the one who reblogged it i was like "this is the SAME BRAND",, same brain cell

i think i read your "into the void" fic on ao3 before i found you on tumblr... that's happened to me a lot in this fandom. but i am suuuch a sucker for the religious allegories. "your serpent will always think it was right to bite" just hits absolutely diff.

geto is basically moral imperatives: the character. he goes full genocide and he sounds so calm and rational and legitimately?? healed??? by the decision?? he can believably be so many things because he's figured out the magnet hack with the moral compass baby.

it's really fun hearing about the backstory for the reader in that fic, too! the sheer utility value of having cursed energy gps, especially for geto who eats curses... and god. teen geto was a very sensitive and perceptive person who read others super well. he really was!

every idea i have lately has turned into this multichapter saga shdflkshdg it KILLS me but it's so fun thinking of backstories and abilities and how they could tie into their relationships with the characters!

i hope both of us can finish some wip someday,,, jhfgksdhg the struggle is SO REAL. but one day!

OH YOU MEANT CIELO'S FIC??

Now, I get it, I'm sorry for rambling about my Yuta fic lmao.

I love Cielo's works and the way she writes Geto. If I want a bit of inspiration or when I'm struggling with my own fics, I always visit her blog and read her stuff. I think we both like to characterize him as a kind of twisted caretaker but her Geto is a bit more playful than mine, and more upfront about his awful antics against the reader. And I absolutely love it! 💕

Yeah, I like religious symbolism a lot too, I can get my own religious trauma out of my system so I guess it's both beneficial to me and my audience too lol. But that part you're quoting from my fic is actually a little symbolistic tale about victims of abuse and their relationship to their abuser. The story is about that sometimes it's futile to make your abuser admit to the damage they caused and instead, you should focus on yourself and your healing. But it sounded kinda cool so I took it and reworked it a bit to fit into the narrative.

I like writing backstories for the readers even if I don't include it in the fic. But it actually helps a lot to have an idea about them, what kind of environment they come from, what they bring into the dynamic and why etc. It's easier to handle the dynamic if I have a general idea about how they got together with the character, what makes them attached to each other and stuff. Maybe I do this because I've been writing a lot of OC x canon stuff where you must establish the background of your character, make them fit into the canon and well... make it make sense why the character is into your OC.

I'm trying my best to restrain myself and not to start yapping about the dynamic of jjk OC and Geto because... oh boy... I do love to talk about my imaginary babies.

I really like that idea! It makes so much sense for Geto bringing reader to track down curses so he can add them to his collection. Cute date idea! But honestly, I came up with reader's technique when I was half-way done with the first part, completely out of the blue. But I do remember there was a headcannon post about how different cursed techniques reveal something crucial/sensitive about the character or how they can be interpreted as a coping/defense mechanism and that post probably influenced me a little bit.

And like... I don't want to spoil my own fics, but in the dilf!Geto fic, reader's curse technique kinda similar to his technique but it's not like curse manipulation 2.0. Similarities are important in this dynamic I can tell this much.

I was also a member of the multichapter madness gang but I got frustrated that I can't complete any one of them. I still have a Jerome Valeska fic, I love it with all my heart, it's packed with so much dark content but it still needs 8 chapters to be wrapped up (the whole fic is 26 chapters long with the unwritten ones). Aaaand I published the first chapter in 2021 so it deserves a rewrite too. I would rather write a really long one shot with lot of exposition and buildup to have higher chance of finishing it in the future. I mostly just keep the details, the fun facts and the backstories to myself, hoping for somebody like you to share them 💕

#asks

[blkkizzat]

Indian reader is back here again AHSJDH I SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST ONE 🙏🙏🙏 honestly reading your post made me hungry send help

I am SO glad you enjoyed your trip here, I love it when people learn about each other's cultures it literally makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!!! I love how detailed your posts about the trip were and I really appreciate you sharing it with us <33

You knowing your tourist guide's whole story with the pharmacist to history lover is so real 😭 some people be having the wildest career paths especially the ones who've been at it for a long time and you somehow get to know their whole story in the span of 20 minutes

Personally I think summer in the US feels worse bc ceiling fans and all around ventilation isn't very common there from what I've seen and heard, while winters in India are worse for the most part since electrical heating and room temperature control isn't common here outside of the cities (inbuilt room temp control isn't a concept here at all currently, I've only ever seen it in hotels)

This was probably the best time for you to visit india cause peak summer temperatures haven't even started yet and you were already dying from the heat (me too dw)

And trust when I say you're not the only one struggling to cross the streets not all of us are built for this do or die type of shit 💔💔💔 (though I'll have to build up that confidence since you know. I live here. Don't exactly have a choice 🤡)

PS I'm going to be craving a restaurant thaali for the rest of the day bc of the pics

Omfg no please write me anytime!! <33

Awe thank you! I def love sharing my experiences! I love traveling and will def have to come back. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it cause i tend to ramble on about stuff! Yes! Another tour guide we had in Jaipur used to be a laywer. He was so knowledgeable too, he was with us all day and took us a few different places. It was fun learning about them. One thing I definitely took back from that and was inspired by was seeing people leaving "socially prominent" or high status jobs for something they loved. Seeing as I went as apart of my MBA program it was an unexpected but great reality check that sure we are all in this program to progress our careers but we really need to keep self-fulfillment and happiness in mind. Whats money or status if you are miserable? Like they had us eating out of the palm of their hand with how much passion they had for what they did and it really inspired me to find that in my own life!

Omfg yeah, it really depends on where you are. The sun feels a bit more intense in India because we were closer to the equator than in the US but the heat in India I experienced at 100 degrees F was a walk in the park compared to the time I stupidly went to las vegas in August and it was nearly 120 degrees F. Also where I live summers have been getting hotter and hotter so people arent equipped for heat waves. I've always had AC cause I have really furry dogs who need to stay cool though so thankfully ive been prepared. Also winters can be an issue here too, Texas been getting ice storms and blizzards in the past few years and as a hot area are completely unequipped. Even in places that are used to cold like NYC, when I lived there I moved into a new building paid a stupid high rent to live in a box that had central AC but was poorly insulated so I had to buy like the shiny foil insulating sheets to put over my window in the winter or I felt like the wind was passing right through.

Haha thankfully I was always in busy areas cause me and my friends when we werent with our guide would always just wait until we saw someone else who was clearly Indian cross the street and cross with them lmfao. We probably looked so stupid standing and waiting there lmfao but we never waited more than 5 mins thankfully LOL. Its funny cause looking back I've had friends here in the US scared to "jaywalk" with like one car coming thats practically crawling down the block and in India you have people boldly stopping speeding cars to cross LOL. I just imagine how funny we must look scared to cross with one car wayyyyyyy down the block coming, even I'm laughing at us.

I hope you get some resturant thaali soon! I'm definitely going to be craving it soon too. I know the next time I eat Indian food it ain't going to hit the same AT ALL lmfao.

#lovely anons #kizzatanswers