How to be a Bad Husband without Shijie getting Mad at You
A guide by Wei Wuxian
An arranged marriage au because i’ve been reading to many of them recently.
Just after the sunshot campagin, the jiang are still rebuilding, and jiang cheng realizes he has a problem
The jin want to marry jin zuxian to yanli, and take the jiang in as a vassal state, which he doesn’t want
And wei wuxian’s rep isn’t doing them any favors
He needs to rebuild his alliances, establish themselves, and do it fast
So when the lan’s offered a new treaty he said yes immediately, before reading it
He really should have read it, because it wasn’t a treaty, it was lan xichen, tired of his brother’s pining, offering an engagement deal between lan zhan and wei wuxian
Now jiang cheng can’t back out without losing face, and in this state he really can’t afford too.
So wei wuxian finds himself engaged to lan zhan, counting down the days towords their rapidly approaching marriage
As you can imagine, wei Wuxian is not happy about marrying someone who he thinks hates him and his cultivation methods
He complains bitterly to shijie and jiang cheng
Jiang cheng is as annoyed as he is but he can’t think of a way out without rhe lans drawing out first
Wei wuxian says he’ll just drive lan zhan away! Make him want to divorce!
Then yanli steps in, and scolds wei wuxian fiercely,
See lan zhan is marrying out, coming to yumeng to live to a culture he doesn’t know among strangers.
Jiang yanli, who was engaged to do the same once upon a time, has been trained on what to expect, a s knows exactly how hard it can be for someone who doesn’t have her husband’s respect
So help her, her brother will not be one of those faithless dogs!
Neither jiang cheng nor wei wuxian have ever heard yanli call anyone “faithless dog,” and in that moment she looks too much like her mother for either of them to cross her
But wei wuxian’s not out of the game yet.
No one knows lan wangji better than him
This goody-goody is here to play martyr, to play cleansing and keep wei wuxian from his wicked ways, but he doesn’t really like him
He’s hear to be a jailer, not a husband.
All wei ying has to do is treat him like a husband, with all the affection, touch, and teasing that comes with it! Lan Wangji’s three least favorite things!
Lan wangji will be screaming for divorce in a week!
Wei wuxian doesn’t get to put his plan into action until after the wedding, as he isn’t allowed to see lan wangji until then
But once its over, he puts his plan in full swing
First step: cuddling. Lan Wangji hates touch, wei wuxian loves it. So naturally to drive lan wangji mad, he needs to touch him constantly, sitting in his lap, holding his hand, cuddling at night, etc
This does not work. Lan wangji was a little hesitant at first, but now he seems to be tolerating it with only the slight reddening of his ears to show his rage
He even seems upset when wei wuxian isn’t sitting in his lap!
Wei wuxian thought at first that this was because they were inside their house and home, but when he plopped himself down on lan zhan’s lap at a sect conference, in fromt of everyone…lan zhan put his ARMs around his WAIST like this was NORMAL
Now wei Wuxian is the weird one who’s tucking his head into lan wangji’s neck, embarrassed
From this experience wei wuxian realizes something: Lan Zhan’s a secret cuddle bug!!!
He just never got the chance thanks to all those stuffy clan rules
And well, wei wuxian can’t leave a fellow cuddle bug hanging can he? Think about all thr hugs lan zhan has missed that he needs to make up for! He’ll just have to think of something else.
Step Two: presents. Lan zhan never liked any of the porn or alchol wei wuxian tried to give him before, so clearly he’s gonna hate it if wei wuxian gives him that and more!
Wei wuxian starts piling lan wangji with gifts. Porn! They’re married now so he can’t refuse! Alcohol, the best of the best! Spicy food he made himself! This pretty ribbon he saw at thr market and thought of lan zhan! This lantern with a bunny on it! That silk with bunnies…this painting of bunnies…
He might have gone a bit overboard with the bunnies
No matter what he gives him, lan wangji takes it with solemn grattitude, and tries it out. This proves a problem when lan wangji keeps eating the spicy food even as it clearly hurts him
Shijie frowns disaprovingly at him once while watching lan wangji guzzle water, and wei ying swore to do it never again
The less said about the alcohol incident the better
There is one more serious gift he gives lan wangji, one he knows he won’t dissaprove of. Smuggled among the presents and clothes, he brings in new “attendents” who look suspiciously like those wen remandents who seemingly vanished into thin air from their containment camp.
Lan wangji takes them in gravely, and soon their home is filled with the sound of laughter as a small boy runs after lan zhan
So clearly gifts aren’t working. Time for step three: sex
…..
…..lan zhan won.
Maybe all those gifts of porn were a bad idea, sullying such a pure mind
At this point Wei Wuxian is getting desperate, nothing he does is making lan wangji less willing to marry him. Its time for desprate measures…
Step Four: tell the truth. He’s never going to stop demonic cultivation and return to the sword path. He can’t.
He needed to tell him anyway, with all the touching they do, it was only a matter of time before he figured it out himself.
Lan Wangji says nothing as wei wuxian explains how he lost his core (still not mentioning how, he’ll take jiang cheng’s secret to the grave) how he was in the burial mounds, how its gone, gone gone and this is all he has left!
Before he knows it he’s a sobbing mess, tears and snot trailing down his face.
Not a very pretty picture for a husband huh?
Lan wangji only opens his arms, and pulls wei wuxian close, letting him cry himself silly in his arms.
It hurts, but it also feels good, safe, like lan zhan is a rock who will stay steady even against the tide of his own emotions
Still, it was a lot, and once he calms down he thinks this time, for sure, lan wangji will leave. He was kind in the confession, because that’s his nature, but surely, surely he doesn’t want to stay chained to a man who can’t even cultivate.
Jiang yanli asks to speak to lan wangji privately, to check in on how he’s adjusting, and wei wuxian sneaks in to listen, bracing for the worst
…when had the worst become lan zhan leaving?
Yanli asks if he has any complains, wei wuxian tenses, and lan zhan…
“I’ve never been so happy,” lan zhan says, because lan’s do not lie.
Wei wuxian is so shocked he tumbles from his hiding place. Yanli frowns with exasperation at him but all his attention is on lan wangji
Do you mean it? He asks
Of course,” lan wangji nods, then adds, “i love you” as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
Wei wuxian is laughing, he’s crying, he has an armful of lan zhan and the taste of his lips and well…
Maybe this marriage thing is pretty great actually.
The end
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yumeng family but modern au maybe? literally anything (your writing is impeccable! im absolutely obsessed)
Modern AU
“So, what’s with the birthmark?” Nie Huaisang asked as he pulled out the baiju. And the vodka. And the rum. And the – how many things had he managed to fit into his backpack?!
Wei Wuxian was impressed.
Jiang Cheng was too busy hiding his face in his hands to answer.
“What? What’s the matter with my question? I’ve never seen a birthmark that looks like a cord wrapped around someone’s wrist, that’s all.”
“We say it’s the string of fate,” Jiang Yanli said, reaching over and plucking the triple sec out of Nie Huaisang’s hands and examining it with a thoughtful expression that suggested that something was being put into the blender she’d brought with her. Only Jiang Yanli would bring a blender to a house party, but also, she was completely right. “You know, the one where you have a soulmate tied to you throughout reincarnations…”
“But…it’s Jiang Cheng,” Nie Huaisang said. “He’s like…forever alone.”
“I’m also aroace,” Jiang Cheng mumbled. “Not that anyone cares.”
“I think he’s bound to his dogs,” Wei Wuxian said, then shrugged when everyone gave him a look. “It’s as likely as anything else, right?”
He still hated dogs with a passion – no amount of therapy was going to change that, especially since Jiang Fengmian still didn’t see any reason for exposure therapy or indeed any type of therapy beyond the awful family therapist that he’d enlisted to try to get his wife to hate Wei Wuxian a little less, which if anything had just made things worse – but he was mature enough to appreciate how much Jiang Cheng loved them.
Okay, no, he wasn’t. But he was grateful to Grandma Yu for taking them in when Jiang Cheng, Jiang Yanli, and Wei Wuxian had exerted themselves to smuggle them to her before Jiang Fengmian had sold them to strangers, if only because he was pretty sure that experience had been what had really bonded them together as a family.
“Fuck off,” Jiang Cheng said. “See if I raise your future kids the way I’m gonna raise jiejie’s.”
“His dream is to be a live-in babysitter,” Wei Wuxian informed Nie Huaisang, who grinned. “Pity he’s going to have to inherit the family business.”
“I can do both!”
“Why don’t you make Yanli-jiejie take on the family business and just do the babysitting?” Nie Huaisang suggested. “That’s my plan: I’m letting da-ge do everything, forever.”
“Nice try,” Jiang Yanli said, now pouring something out of the blender. It had many colors, and was possibly about to be set on fire given the presence of a lighter. “Speaking of which, you should call him and tell him to come over. He works too hard, and it’s not that far a drive from his work to here…and the presence of an ‘adult’ will probably make Teacher Lan agree to let Xichen-gege and Lan Wangji come as well.”
“That would be great,” Wei Wuxian said at once. “I’ve never seen them drink!”
“Because they don’t. They’re Lan, remember? Rule-followers to the bone?”
“The rules only say no consuming drinks on campus…”
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Hanguang-jun The Boss
I love how when Jin Guangshan tries to falsely claim Wei Ying bad mouthed him. Lan Zhan just surprises everyone by mic dropping and calling him a liar.
No one dares to tell Jin Guangshan he’s a liar they’re all too afraid, but Lan Zhan just rips right into him. My freaking hero.
“Sect leader Jiang, Wei Ying is both your left and right hand. You regard him highly, this we know.” Jin Guangshan began. “But it’s difficult to say whether he respects you, the family head. At least I’ve been a family head for many years, and never have I seen a subordinate so arrogant about his achievements, or so insolent. Have you not heard what they are saying - that the Jiang clan of yumeng’s achievements during the Sunshot Campaign were all thanks to Wei Wuxian alone? Absolutely Absurd.”
He had the audacity to utterly humiliate you at a grand event like the Flower-Viewing Banquet, leaving as he willed. Yesterday, he was even more insolent behind your back, even daring to utter the words “I couldn’t care less for Jiang Wanyin, the family head!” Every one present at the time heard…”
“That is untrue. I never heard Wei Ying say such a thing. Nor have I ever heard him express any disrespect toward Sec leader Jiang.”
I left out some of the text in between these quotes to shorten it a bit.
Jin Guangshan is a truly malicious man he’s clearly trying to turn Jiang Cheng against Wei Ying. If Lan Zhan hadn’t spoken up and called him on his lies, who knows if Jiang Cheng would have believed them.
Jin Guangshan is so used to no one standing up to him that he never thought Lan Zhan would, but thankfully he doesn’t stand for things like that.
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