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buckets-and-trees · 1 year

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The 24-hour Avengers NYE Party that will never happen again

Fandom: MCU

Characters/Pairings: TOO MANY, but pairing-light

Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: Crack fic. This is a pure bullet-point crack fic chronicling a NYE 24-hour marathon party in Avengers Tower. Does it make sense? I sure hope not!

Content Warnings: IT IS CRACK FIC, generally harmless pranks, non-graphic “it happened” sex moments (oral, male and female receiving), threesome, stolen identity pranking

Additional Notes: Once upon a time, @honeystevie, @artsynellyyy and @chrisdrysdale threw a discord sleepover, and on night two some of us west coasties were up late and got a bit giddy and mischievous – as you do at a sleepover – and suddenly it seemed like THE BEST idea and much more appealing for me to write a crack!fic than writing any of my other stuff. Part of this was a group effort (some key suggestions), part of it are callbacks to things that have come up in conversation across the various channels since the sleepover started. Did I put too much effort into this? Yep. I GOT CARRIED AWAY, AND I MAKE NO APOLOGIES. I make no promises over it making any sense or being any good, but hopefully it can just be what it’s meant to be.

The thing about Stark parties is they’re always extravagant, full stop. Tony has more money than all the gods you’ve ever heard of combined – at least all the gods from Earth. Tony doesn’t count Asgard. It’s like apples and oranges in that regard. The exchange rate is not really comparable. But it also doesn’t matter.

This party is the product of a dare. After one of Fury’s debrief meetings, Thor starts talking about his partying glory days, hopping from planet to planet, pulling entire civilizations into frenzied celebrations and ‘much reveling.’

“What, like it’s hard?” Tony spits out.

“No, of course it isn’t hard, the peoples of many planets enjoy a good celebration, that is the point,” Thor says, unsure of why this is becoming an argument.

“But it’s pretty easy to throw a killer rager when you have an endless supply of partiers who can cycle in and out to keep up the energy,” Tony retorts.

“Yes, the point was for as many as wanted to make merry,” Thor really doesn’t know where this is coming from or where it’s going.

But Rhodey does. He is thoroughly unsurprised when Tony declares he’s going to, “throw the most epic New Year’s Eve party EVER, twenty-four hours, Avengers only, mandatory lockdown, including YOU, Mary Sue.”

You roll your eyes. Just because you are the newest edition to the team, scouted and recruited for your exceptional abilities, certifying through both SHIELD’s training and Avengers’ training programs faster than anyone before you doesn’t mean you’re a Mary Sue. You were still discovering new powers on each mission, and your godfather Nick Fury was very protective, almost sending you on no missions at all, but he knew it meant everything to prove yourself to the world.

Because Fury’s your overprotective godfather, and technically not an Avenger, just the director of SHIELD, Tony tells him without any apology, that he is specifically NOT included.

“Contrary to the song, every party does NOT need a party pooper,” Tony explains, “and I can’t exclude Barton, so I’m already fighting an uphill battle here.”

“I’m the life of every party, and you know it.”

“It’s not a darts tournament.”

“Only because you know I’d win with my eyes closed and my good hand tied behind my back.”

Everyone’s Christmas presents are elaborate puzzle boxes holding their invitations inside. Bucky, Bruce, and Natasha are all able to open theirs almost instantly without help from anyone else because they’re huge nerds of their superior intellect.

It’s got multiple dress codes – four outfits, scheduled costume changes intended throughout the marathon party.

This, of course, means SHOPPING for you and the girls.

There are strict instructions that everyone is to arrive promptly on the 4th floor between 11:45 and 11:55pm on December 30th.

You’re surprised – but pleasantly so – to see that Tony extended invitations to some of the local superhero gang who’ve gone on some co-missions with the Tower Avengers as well as Shuri and T’Challa. Thor invited the Guardians, because Rocket and Groot, and Tony grudgingly said they could stay because they were acceptable gatecrashers and every real party needed gatecrashers, but he’s threatened Quill explicitly NOT to mess with the playlist.

“I’m only here because Rocket said Kevin Bacon might be here.”

Tony rolls his eyes and makes his way to the stage, not in the mood to deal with Flash Gordon any longer.

Tony gets on the microphone promptly at 11:55. “Congratulations, you all passed the first test and have proven yourselves worthy of entering this party. Here are the rules, risks, and rewards:”

One: there is a strict dress code for each phase of this party, you don’t follow it, you’re kicked out.

Two: there will be mandatory shots to commemorate the start of each phase except for the kid – you get a juicebox.

“I turned 21 this August,” Peter murmurs to Steve while Sam and Bucky snicker behind him.

Three: you have six hours of sleep time if you’re brave enough to take it, you can break it up however you want. FRIDAY will be monitoring all of your heart rates throughout the party – she knows your resting, elevated, and sleep heartrates, so there will be no cheating.

Four: we’re utilizing an international football foul rule: you get two yellows for minor infractions, red for a major infraction, and two yellows equal one red; red and you’re OUT

“What are considered fouls?” Bruce asks.

You’ll know it when you see it, Granger. You get ejected from the party or leave, you’re on paperwork for a month. Except you, opposite for you, you love paperwork too much.

And that’s all the warning any of you get.

Phase One – Fourth Floor of Avengers Tower – Costume Party – Literally just everyone's superhero costumes

Bruno Mars is performing as everyone enters and the initial shots prime the pumps of everyone (except the super soldiers).

There’s a nacho bar, Rocket has never had nachos before, but he declares it’s a good party munching food. He says this to Bucky. Bucky is uncomfortable over how frequently Rocket seems to be appearing next to him in those initial hours. He hasn’t forgotten the racoon covets his arm.

Natasha is on a mission to infuse silent chaos that cannot be traced back to her for twenty-four hours, and so she starts subtle but strong just moving people’s shit around, pick pocketing, lifting jewelry and accessories straight off people MASTERFULLY.

Every hour on the hour Tony has an orchestrated fanfare and to signal the turn of the new year in the appropriate countries, and servers circulate with a curated collection of savory and sweet small bites to highlight different regional cuisines.

At 3:30am Scott has decided what everyone really needs to get through the wee hours of the morning is chocolate chip cookies. Sam comes across him unsupervised in the kitchen, and it’s going okay but not great, so he tries to step in and help, but it’s Wanda who sees that the trouble is they’re trying to quadruple the batch but getting too chatty to keep track of how much of any ingredients they’ve put in, and she enlists FRIDAY in reviewing security footage to sort everything out and keep them on track for the rest of their foray into baking. This was also before everyone realized they were going to get far too much food with twenty-four hours of smorgasbords, and so they only cook half the dough, the rest put in the fridge for later.

Phase Two - Eighth Floor - Toga Party - Togas Provided by Tony

When Jessica Jones sees it’s a toga party, she declares she’s out. Frankly everyone was surprised she showed up – well, not everyone everyone. Prime opportunity for some prime booze? Of course she was in. She’s not going to do paperwork a day in her life, either, so the “consequences” were immaterial to her anyway.

Thor was sad to see her go, though, he liked her spunk and the actual challenge she presented over five rounds of arm wrestling. She liked his hip flask of Asgardian mead and lifted it off him before she left.

In other arm business, Bucky was not surprised when Rocket made a play for his arm, but then gets him to agree to play once and for all for rights to his arm over a game of black jack, and Bucky wins. (Shuri had actually brought a new prototype anyway, but Bucky had already decided not to adopt the new arm until after the party.)

Someone gifted Vision with a madlibs book and he brought it to the party. Wanda thinks it’s kind of cute. Tony and Rhodey balance their suggestions equally with normal words and double-entendres with straight faces so that Vis can’t discount their offerings, and somehow the normal words end up dirtier once inserted than the intentional words they served up.

Peter drops off unexpectedly somewhere around 10am and Carol and Valkyrie try to stick Peter to various surfaces without waking him up.

Just before noon, Bruce falls asleep sitting up, leaning into the end of the couch, arm propped under his chin. Yandu and Yelena microwave an obscene amount of chocolate and put it under Bruce while he’s sleeping to convince him he Hulk-size pooped his pants. “I’m not even wearing pants, it’s a toga!” “BANNER’S NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!” “THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID!” “THAT’S WHAT I HEARD HIM SAY!”

Phase Three - Sixteenth Floor - 80s Throwback

Heavy into the third phase, most people aren’t eating much, but Bucky is eating EVERYTHING. His super soldier metabolism helps him burn off everything so quickly, but for seventy years under HYDRA control, he was nourished only through an IV or specially formulated nutrient and protein rich shakes. This is more glorious than anything he could’ve asked for, and Peter sets up @buckyranksbites on Instagram, and by 3pm it’s gone viral and so he’s already got three and a half million followers. Peter puts a poll up on the stories, and the people have spoken: they want Bucky to go live tasting at 10, 11, and midnight. TBD on whether Bucky will do it or not.

Clint's crawling around the vents at this point. He’s getting all the hot goss like NOBODY’S BUSINESS at this point. He always has, he always will. Clint is not a messy bitch, but lord he knows everyone else’s messes.

During the first two phases of the party, Steve was trying to hold things together, control the chaos. By phase three, Loki has taken to disguising himself as Steve and is inciting chaos with actions that are both textbook Steve and uncharacteristic of Steve.

Bonus: Loki!Steve has also kissed everyone but Tony by 6pm. Everyone knows they are kissing Loki!Steve though because he specifically kisses everyone in plain view of the Captain.

Scott wanders into the kitchen again in the mid-afternoon and emerges with peanut butter sandwiches on iceberg lettuce. “No, you gotta try this, man! You will be pleasantly surprised!”

There’s a rubiks cube solving competition, and Shuri wins, but Nebula is pissed, having come in second in the final showdown.

The playlist for this phase is epic, and there’s a thirty-minute dance-floor stint to close out the 80s theme that has most everyone singing at the top of their lungs together.

Phase Four - Rooftop Suite of Avengers Tower - Gatsby Theme

Of course, it ends in a Gatsby theme. There’s nothing more over the top and nothing more glamorous. This is what you reveled in shopping for. Your dress is perfection, and no one can keep their eyes off you. Good thing your godfather isn’t around to scare everyone away.

Most of the prank shenanigans have mellowed out by now.

Except Natasha. She’s still silently and serially stealing and redistributing things. People are getting pissed now. It hasn’t come to blows yet, but it’s close in a couple of cases. Steve is putting out a lot of fires. Additionally, Nat is hacking into any of the phones she gets her hands on and is changing settings – languages, font sizes, notifications, adding rogue alerts, filling camera rolls with bogus and innocuous photos of anything (T’Challa now has 872 pictures of the wallpaper and a very particular spot of the marble countertop at the bar).

Matt Murdock knows it’s Nat. He’s sensed it from the beginning with his particular skillset. He corners her a little after 10. How she overlooked his Daredevil senses, she’s kicking herself over it. He suggests her behavior all day indicates she clearly has some pent up energy, and he’s more than happy to assist with that. She gets them out of the party hacking into part of FRIDAY’s protocols to expand the party boundaries to include her apartment on the ninth floor, and no one sees them the rest of the night.

Bucky does go live on Instagram at 10, and 11, but he abandons the midnight live bites because they were OVERRUN BY THIRST ON BORDERLINE BULLYING LEVELS by far too many people tuning in at 11. Bucky disables all the comments on his account. He almost deleted, but he’s discovered today that he actually likes being a food critic, and he’s got this platform now…

At 10 and 11, someone else is making discoveries, too. It’s Steve. He’s discovering that it’s okay not to keep everything so buttoned and under control. He’s tricked into “checking out this strange noise” at ten in Tony’s lab where Carol, who is frankly tired of watching how tightly wound up he is, throws him up against the wall and gives him the blow job of his dreams. Captain to captain, he returns the oral favor. They return to the party, and Steve is much more relaxed. He notices her grab a bottle of champagne and sneak off again around 11, but when he follows her, he finds she’s actually meeting Val, but they’re happy to invite him to join, Val happily riding his face, not minding a bit of delicious beard burn.

As things draw to a close for their final midnight (they’re only officially celebrating New York midnight and then Tony’s letting everyone disperse if they so choose after that point), it gets a little more sentimental, people settling into some small group pockets, reflecting on memories and also calling back some of their best laughs and inside jokes.

There’s an incredible fireworks show with the finale landing right at midnight with a final toast – hugs and cheers for some, kisses for those coupled up.

Peter managed one final prank of his own, hacking in a way even Tony will be proud later once he gets things back online with FRIDAY and can get back into his penthouse suite that Peter got FRIDAY to LOCK HIM OUT OF.

And that was the time Tony was a material gowrl, extra AF, proving a point he didn’t need to prove, and threw the most elaborate New Year’s Eve Party of all time. And in true end-of-crack-fic spirit…

And then they all fucked. The end.

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