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breakinghabitschoosinghappi-blog · 6 years

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A life worth living: Choosing happiness & beating the odds

Have you ever heard of an ACE score? Well, ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experience. It gives you a score based on childhood trauma. According to the CDC, childhood experiences can have a tremendous impact.

Adverse Childhood Experiences have been linked to

risky health behaviors,

chronic health conditions,

low life potential, and

early death.

(Source: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about_ace.html)

Studies show that the higher the ace score, the higher risk you have of developing anxiety, depression, health issues, developing addictions, etc.. The ACE score doesn't cover all forms of trauma. It does however, tally up a number based on 10 forms of childhood trauma events. The score goes from zero to ten. With a score of four or above the likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; suicide, 1,220 percent. (Source:https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/)

You can take the test yourself below. (Continue reading to find out my score and how I handle the stress)

While you were growing up, during your first 18 years of life:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt? If yes enter 1 ________ 2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured? If yes enter 1 ________ 3. Did an adult person at least 5 years older than you ever Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? If yes enter 1 ________ 4. Did you often or very often feel that No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other? If yes enter 1 ________ 5. Did you often or very often feel that You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? If yes enter 1 ________ 6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced? If yes enter 1 ________ 7. Was your mother or stepmother: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife? If yes enter 1 ________ 8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic or who used street drugs? If yes enter 1 ________ 9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? If yes enter 1 ________ 10. Did a household member go to prison? If yes enter 1 _______ Now add up your answers: _______ This is your ACE Score.

My ACE score is 8. It is hard to officially admit that I have experienced some of these things. Thinking back on the past can be quite difficult. It's not easy dredging up old feelings of guilt, pain, sadness, anger, etc.

You might be wondering, what traumatic experiences could I have possibly lived through and are they similar to yours. I have never listed them out for the world to see but I think it's time to stop living in denial and open up about some of them. Opening up about real-life experience can be a form of coping and can help someone else who is going through what you have been through. Honestly, many of the things you are about to read are things I have never allowed myself to fully heal from. Instead, I pushed them into the blackest part of my mind and forgot about them. Today you will be reading about some of my adverse childhood experiences.

[CAUTION: If you are easily triggered by childhood experiences such as sexual abuse, suicide, or other forms of trauma please STOP here. This blog contains part of my story which includes some negative and possibly triggering things]

I can't recall the number of times I was put down and called fat and stupid. When I was a kid I constantly was told how dumb I was. My parents and siblings most likely never realized the true damage they were causing on my self-esteem and confidence. Other kids at school picked on me and bullied me often. My grades and motivation for classes suffered greatly. Because of this I dropped out of high school and didn't get my GED until age 24. I never thought I could make it to college nor did I want to. I didn't think I was smart enough because I had always been told so. Here I am almost 30 years old and a sophomore in college. I remember my mother once saying that I was too stupid to go to college.

There aren't many good moments to remember when I look back on my childhood. When I was 12 years old I attempted suicide. I had no clue what I was doing. I just didn't want to feel the hurt and pain anymore. I mixed bleach with Windex cleaner in my mouthwash and drank a cup full. I had hoped that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I had ever had, I was throwing up, and had pains in my stomach. I never told anyone because I was afraid I would get in trouble and no one would understand. I think a part of me chose this route as a way to reach out for help yet simultaneously hoping for the end. I was embarrassed that I failed at yet another thing. I couldn't even kill myself so I started cutting myself to numb the pain. I wanted to feel anything but what I felt. I wanted to bleed because bleeding meant that I was still alive. This is pretty intense for a 12-year-old huh? I stopped cutting for a few years after this for fear of being caught.

I remember being bullied and made fun of a lot in school and even at home. My brother used to tell me that I was fat and everyone called me stupid all the time. He even used to tell me that I should just quit life. He may not have known what he was saying or meant it but it was devastating to my already fragile state of mind.

When I was about 15 years old my mother attempted suicide. I remember that summer being very hot. My sister and I were kicked out of the house in the middle of the afternoon. Our mother then threw all of her clothes on the front lawn and locked us out. Later, she told me that she had tried to drown herself in the bathtub, saying that God told her she had three reasons to live. The three reasons would be my siblings and I. A few days later I came home from school and the front door of the trailer we lived in was wide open. Her pocket book and phone were on the counter. I panicked and went to the neighbor's house down the road. I found out an ambulance had come and took her to the psychiatric hospital, something I was all too familiar with. This wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last time my mother went away. When I was in elementary school she went to the "hospital" often from what I remember. I didn't know until later in life that the "hospital" was a special facility for people with mental illness. I don't think my father ever realized how traumatic this was for us kids. If he did, he would have left a lot sooner than he did.

At about 16 years old I was already struggling with depression. At this time, I had lived with my father and step mom and stepsisters. We took a trip to Kentucky to visit some of their family. I was molested on this trip. I froze in terror when it happened and couldn't bring myself to speak up and say no. If it weren't for wearing a pad for my period I may have been raped. He pulled my panties down and stepped back when he saw it. I sat down on the couch, panties at my knees, and contemplated running but I couldn't bring myself to move. I guess he thought about what he was doing and took me back upstairs after I pulled my panties back up. The next morning, I took a scalding hot shower to wash the dirty feeling away. It didn't work and I got sick. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. It was just the first time I realized it wasn't right. That's when the cutting really started. I would wear long sleeves and hoodies to cover my cuts and scars. When everyone found out that I was harming myself I started cutting my legs because no one would see my secret then. For a very long time I didn't feel like I had worth. I was broken and used up.

I could sit here and go through all of the trauma I have experienced in my life but that could turn into a novel. The reason I am sharing this part of my story is so that someone out there going through things like I went through will know that they are not alone. You are NEVER alone! You may feel like it now but I promise there are other people just like you. I wish I had a voice as a child. I wish I had stood up for myself. I wish someone would have told me that I had worth. It wasn't until my mid-20's that I started to believe in myself and try to undo the mind set I had learned as a child.

Here I am almost 30 years old and despite who "statistics" say I should be, I have overcome the things that held me back as a child. I am stronger, more confident, and brave. It took a lot of time for me to learn who I am as a person and stop allowing my past to define who I am. I choose happiness.

If you are struggling or are contemplating suicide please reach out and ask for help. There will be better days ahead! Life won't always knock you down. You can overcome the challenges you face and you will be stronger for it. I refuse to allow my adverse childhood experiences define who I am as a woman. Giving up is NOT an option and I am proof of that. You can beat the odds and overcome! If I can do it then you can too. You have a life worth living. The experiences you have could help someone else one day.

If you know of someone who is thinking about hurting themselves please get help. Reach out to them and be a light to them. You never know if you could be the last person they needed to reach out and show them they have a life worth living.

I went from being a scared and hurting child to a strong and independent woman, wife, and mother. There are times in my life when I still struggle with the past but I refuse to go backwards. We all are going through life trying to pick up the pieces. (my friend Chandler taught me that) If you have similar experience, need someone to talk to, or want to learn how I have coped with trauma please email [email protected] and share your story with me. *I won't use your story unless given permission.

Thank you for reading this blog post. It isn't easy allowing yourself to be vulnerable and opening up about things. If you help just one person in the world then you are making a difference.

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