#I want to be broken in a relatable sympathetic pitiful way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ina-nis · 2 years

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Can I ask, how did you get over the stage fright of writing on a blog anyone can read? (Especially about these matters) Cause I've been trying on an off for nearly a year and the hypervigilance gets to me after a month or so.

The short answer, I guess, is that... you can create a version of yourself that only exists in your blog. No one has to know you write, no one has to know you, at all. No need for any identifying personal information. Maybe start a new account if that would make you feel more at ease too. And you can always erase or edit your posts, so this is something that can definitely help not leaving any trace behind.

Maybe try journaling offline if you don't do that already. Have a notebook or use your phone to write notes and other things. Maybe try creating a private blog next. Then make an actual public blog. It's all about building some tolerance and reassuring yourself that it's fine to do this, there's nothing wrong with it. It's a space you can use at anytime and you can delete/start over at any point if you so desire.

I can talk about how this went for me, if that's going to be any reassuring.

Due to not having anyone I could talk to, I started journaling. At first offline, then on and off, online. It helps me make sense of things and put my feelings into perspective, and I can go back to them whenever, so I can try to find answers and patterns, etc...

I used to do so in my main blogs (and on other social media, when I had those) and, well, being so open about your struggles can be something good at first, people might take pity or be sympathetic but... of course, eventually, it starts taking a toll and people might distance themselves. They did with me. Because talking about the ugly symptoms of my mental health and how much they impact me (despite various treatments) is really uncomfortable for others. You start sounding like a broken record and people take that you're "stuck in negativity", "too pessimistic", "can't get over it", among many other invalidating (and ableist) things and I can't really blame them for it. If it's hard for people to witness this torment, imagine going through it. They have no idea.

Having people that are only around for fun and to have a good time, doesn't sound right to me though. I don't want to have people like that in my life. But it is how it is. I either accept it or I don't. I can continue trying and bear with the consequences, being further ostracized, watching symptoms worsen due to guilt or shame or isolation or...

I can try finding an outlet where I can pour my mind and feelings in a space where I can be witnessed, and not have that held against me. This is what I'm doing here.

It took me a long time (and lots of therapy) to be able to talk about my feelings at all. Once it started, and I realized how much I was benefiting from it, I never stopped and it was just a matter of trial and error to get to a point where I could do that in a way that was good for me, without it being detrimental to other aspects of my life (and this is why this is an avpd-specific journal).

The reason why I took to journaling on a public blog is because, due to the nature of my struggles, feeling like someone is witnessing me is really validating. Even if no one reads it, even if it's just me talking to myself... knowing that it's in an open space other people could find reassures me and it also feels good to know I might be able to find other people who can relate to my experiences and share theirs, and have people, like you, reaching out make it all the more rewarding. Seeing people being so open about their struggles out in public was one of the things that helped me realize that I, too, could do that.

I hope that at least gave you some other perspective, and may be helpful. Thank you for reaching out and I hope you can figure things out. Of course, let me know how that goes for you, if you feel like sharing!

#ask

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absolutelyfizzing · 3 years

Text

unwanted feelings

james potter x reader

description - You'd had a crush on James Potter for years and when he kisses Lily Evans in front of you, you are heart broken. Later you find that he didn't actually feel as you expected and he explains himself.

warnings - some angst, unsure reader, fem pronouns, self doubt, negative self talk, not eating for a day cause reader is avoiding someone

word count - 2800

A/N - so this one isn't my best work by far but i wrote it so looks like its getting posted. i don't know why all of my reader inserts lately are so fem and sort of bubbly, i guess it's sort of what i'm aiming for for myself right now but i'm sorry if it maybe isn't coming off as relatable.

MASTERLIST

Your throat tightened in anxiety as you watched James zoom around the pitch. He was reckless when he was playing quidditch and it was one of the things that made him great at the game and an excellent captain. It was also the thing that nearly gave you a heart attack every time you watched him play. You went to every one of his games and you always wore something of his with his colors when you were in the stands. You were stood up on your seat and a slightly bored looking Remus sat to your right, reading from a book you didn't recognize. You'd thought that Sirius playing would be enough to keep him interested but sports was just not something he enjoyed watching. You were usually that way as well but whenever James was playing, suddenly you were the most intent spectator in the stands.

You were more worried than you should have been. More worried than what was appropriate for a friend to be. That's what you were, friends. That had been reinforced many times by the shaggy haired boy and you tried desperately to get it through your head before you embarrassed yourself one of these days. Sometimes though, you just couldn't help it.

Really you might have thought he reciprocated if you didn't know any better. You often got comments on what an attractive couple you guys were but each time it was quickly corrected by James. Normally along the lines of 'Oh god no, we are just friends. Purely platonic' , sometimes followed by a shudder or a gag even. It upset you every time to no end but you played along. You rarely, if ever, contributed to the shooting down of any feelings but that was never noticed by the man you had feelings for.

You'd had a crush on him since you were probably in your second year and now you were coming to the middle of your seventh. There were a million times that you almost said something but every time there was a reminder that you were not the one he had eyes for. It usually took the shape of disgust at the thought of dating you or commentary as he pined over the Evans girl who you felt you could never compete with. How could you when she was just perfect. You saw her to the left of you as she stood in the stands as well and your hands shook with insecurity before looking back toward the game. Your heart raced nearly as quickly as James did around the pitch and you prayed that the snitch would be caught soon so that you could get rid of the stress surrounding you. You felt a hand on your right shoulder and you looked over to find Remus had stood and was looking at you caringly.

"Are you alright, Y/N?" He asked softly and you tried your very best to soften your gaze and calm your stance so you appeared less concerned with someone that you shouldn't have that much interest in in the first place.

"Of course I am. When am I not?" You smiled before looking out at the pitch.

"When youre watching the guy you're in love with play a dangerous game that you don't like." He stated simply in response to the question you meant to be rhetorical and your eyes widened.

"I don't know what youre talking about." You nearly whispered and Remus smiled.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone Y/N but its not exactly subtle. It probably doesn't help that I know the look on your face because it's how I feel too watching Sirius play." He was still smirking but your anxiety was far from eased.

"Oh god, does he know?" You asked scaredly, terrified that the answer would be yes and you would have to stop spending time with him.

"Shockingly, no." You sighed out in relief but Remus continued. "You should tell him though or else he might end up moving on."

"What do you mean? There's nothing for him to move on from. Everyone knows he's in love with Evans and he has made it pretty clear that he is opposed to being anything more than a friendly relationship with me." You choked out, struggling with the words leaving your lips but knowing them to be true.

"I mean he has a minor crush on Evans but it's nothing compared to the annoyingly huge crush he has on you. He's probably just overcompensating for the fact that he's insecure and doesn't want you to reject him."

"Why are you telling me this?" You asked sincerely. You were friends with Remus as you were with the rest of the marauders but it was nothing compared to the friendship they held within their group. You knew Remus was more loyal to James than to you so you couldn't understand why, if it was true, Remus would be telling you at all.

"Because he is trying desperately to move on seeing as he is under the impression that you aren't into him and I'd hate to see him throw something away that could be really good for him." Remus smiled gently and you looked at him gratefully.

"I really appreciate you telling me and all but I just don't think I can believe you. I can't even count how many times he has made a big show of not liking me. I love him too much to ruin what we have and I know that if I confessed and it went bad that I would lose him all together. I would rather have him in my life in a way that hurts than not have him in it at all." You stated sadly and Remus sighed but nodded in understanding.

"I get it but just know that I'm being honest and pretty soon he is going to give up on it. I just want to see you both happy but if its too big of a leap, I understand. That's exactly the excuse he tells the rest of us too."

Suddenly cheers erupted from the stands, cutting your conversation with Remus off as everyone ran to rush the pitch. The snitch had been caught and gryffindor won. You were excited for James but you were also a little terrified to walk onto the pitch to see him with the now conflicted thoughts running through your head. Your thoughts were stopped by the image in front of you which was causing the whole crowd to cheer. James had pulled Lily Evans into a kiss in his excitement and your heart stopped. You felt nausea rise in your throat and Remus caught your eye with a sympathetic look. You didn't look at him for longer than a second and you ran off the pitch with tears streaming down your face. You found your way up to your dorm, pushing yourself to get there quickly before the common room filled with students celebrating their victory. James was always one to love attention so he would be getting crazy after the game which he did just about every time they won.

When you made it to your bed, you hurried under the covers, throwing the shirt you were wearing which belonged to James onto the floor. You felt your heart clench at the despair you felt. You wanted to be upset at Remus for getting your hopes up but you knew he was sincere in his want to help. Still you felt that you would probably not be able to face James in the weeks to come. Maybe, given a little time, you could be around him and not be upset at the world for taking away your chance with him. As you laid in your bed, you stared at the ceiling. You felt tears streaming down your face and you grew angry at yourself. He didn't owe you anything, he wasn't into you. That wasn't his fault and it was so unfair of you to expect anything more from him when your feelings were not his responsibility.

You weren't sure how long you laid there but you could hear the party start and end in the common room. It must have been late. Sleep wouldnt come though, you could just feel your heart continue to break and you were stuck in a loop of self pity. You made the decision that the following days would be spent away from James if you could at all help it. That was probably what he wanted anyway and it was the only way that you would get over the pain you were feeling. At some point your roomates entered your dorm and sleep overtook you for a few restless hours.

When you woke up, the sun was barely on the rise. You hurried up and got dressed and ready. You were planning on getting to breakfast early to avoid running into any of the marauders. You found your plans were not going how you wanted when you entered the great hall to find a head of red hair next to a mop of black. Your throat tightened and you quickly moved to turn and head out of the great hall. You heard a familiar voice call your name but you rushed out before you could give it too much thought. You knew that if you let him try to convince you, you would end up having a very upsetting breakfast with your best friend and his new lover. You would rather avoid breakfast.

Throughout the day, avoiding James was proving to be harder than you had thought it would be. You had many of your classes with him and you even sat next to him in a few. He was insistently trying to get you to open up about why you were suddenly so closed off to him but you remained shut off, reassuring him that nothing was wrong and you were just a little tired from the game the day before. You avoided lunch for the same reason as you had avoided breakfast and you felt yourself starting to get a bit lightheaded. Your afternoon was spent avoiding James but soon he was preoccupied with Lily anyway.

You were hid in a corner of the library when a cough alerted you of someone's presence. You looked up to find the very eyes you hadn't wanted to see.

You pushed it down with a gulp and smiled a bit at him, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay but they were growing harder to hold back after keeping everything pent up all day. It probably didn't help that you were hungry and therefor a bit more emotional. You could feel the tears sitting in your eyes, waiting for something to go wrong so they had an excuse to escape you.

"I don't know what I did wrong." He mumbled while looking at the floor in front of you and you took a deep breath.

"There's nothing wrong James, I promise. It's just been a long day." You smiled and your heart picked up speed.

"Since when did we lie to each other?" He questioned and your heart stopped. You were left unsure how to respond.

"Since the truth would cause more damage than good." You spoke honestly. At this he looked up at you and your eyes met. A tear left you and James immediately moved to comfort you but you tried to move away, standing quickly to evade him. You regretted it as spots filled your vision, the lack of food catching up to you. You know that you turned a bit green for a moment because James looked slightly scared.

"Y/N I dont know whats wrong but you look like you should be getting to the hospital wing. You don't look well."

Before you could answer you felt your vision blacken and your legs give out before your consciousness left you completely.

When you woke up, you knew you were in the hospital wing. It smelled sterile and the bed was stiff underneath you. When you started to wake madam pomfrey came to check on you.

"You can't go around with an empty stomach like that again, do you hear me?" She scolded, though her eyes were soft. You nodded solemnly. "I was alerted that you hadn't been to the great hall to eat all day, you have to know that isn't good for you. I'm gonna have a prefect watch out for you the next couple days to make sure you're eating at meal times. Understood?" She asked again and once more you nodded before leaning back and sighing. You looked at your surroundings and were surprised to see the black haired boy next to your bed fast asleep. Your heart took off again and you felt trapped by your environment. As anxiety swirled around in your chest, James had woken up a bit.

"You're awake." James sighed, laced with relief. You still wouldn't make eye contact with him. You felt the bed dip as he sat on it and you looked up to watch him put his head in his hands as he leaned over. You felt guilt fill your chest more than it already had from hating that you felt any claim over the man in front of you. You knew you were in the wrong and the last thing you wanted was to cause him any pain. "Remus talked to me." He almost whispered.

At that moment, you wished you could have apparated to anywhere else in the world. You looked back down at your lap and tears were once again brought to your eyes. You felt betrayal that Remus would reveal your feelings to James.

"I'm sorry." You apologized and you fiddled with your fingers.

"Why are you the one apologizing, I'm the one whos behaved poorly." He assures and you shake your head.

"That's not fair to yourself. You're allowed to want to be with whomever you want and my feelings should have no effect on that. You've made it clear for years that you weren't interested in me and it is my fault that I couldn't take a hint. I'm so sorry." You gushed out and tears started to fall from your eyes. You felt James get up from your bed and you prepared him to leave but instead you felt arms wrap around you and a kiss came to your head.

"Y/N I have had feelings for you for years. I was just always too scared for myself to even consider that you might feel the same." He whispered out but you felt only a different kind of pain. Even though he had now admitted his feelings, he was still dating Lily. Not you. Almost as if he could hear your thoughts he spoke quietly. "I broke it off with Evans." You pulled away immediately.

"What? Why would you do that?" You asked quickly and before he had a chance to answer you feared the worst. "Oh god is it because of me? James please dont let my feelings have any bearing on who you want to date, I can't stand the thought of being the reason you broke up. Even if we do have feelings for each other, you deserve a chance with Lily if that's what you want."

"It was mutual, actually. She understood that I had feelings for you and she said she had a crush on someone else. It just seemed like I had kissed her a bit rashly on the quidditch pitch and we agreed that we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place. It was only a day anyway." He reassured as he explained himself and you calmed a bit.

"So what does this mean." You got out, almost inaudibly.

"It means that, if you'll have me, I'd like to take you out on a date." He stated as if it were the simplest thing in the world and you almost couldn't believe your ears. Before you were even thinking you were nodding quickly, causing spots to once again fill your vision and James grabbed your shoulders to stabilize you before you both laughed. He pulled you by your shoulders toward him and he caught your lips in a kiss that somehow expressed all of the years of repressed feelings. When he pulled away he smiled at you and sat back on your bed. He spent the rest of the day with you in the hospital wing talking about all of the places he was going to take you in the coming weeks.

#harry potter imagine #harry potter x reader #hp imagine #hp x reader #the marauders #marauders imagine #marauders x reader #marauders era #james potter #james potter x reader #james potter imagine #james potter fluff #harry potter fluff #james potter angst #hp angst #hp fluff

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decadentenemyturtle · 3 years

Text

Broken heart t'was made of wood

Part 3 - Not here

Words: 2505

The full serie

Bilbo sat next his dining table, cold tea and apple pie forgotten a little further from him, which really was rare of him. Right in front of the hobbit was a small, wooden box. It had played a very beautiful melody, very similar to a lullaby. And for a moment Bilbo had marveled for dwarven engineering and craft. But then he had learned from Thorin, that it was made by (Y/n), as a gift for the dwarven king...

... along side with wooden statues of his family.

Bilbo had, of course, been rather angry when he also learned that Thorin had ordered them to be destroyed. Weeks, maybe even months worth of work, destroyed in few hours by his right hand man and best friend, along side with two best jewelers and crafstmen of Erebor.

"Well, what can one expect from dwarves, who only see beauty in diamond's, gems and stone" Bilbo had sneered, seemingly angry for the king, and for the bald warrior standing a little further from the table. Thorin had stared down to his hands, looking rather quilty, whilst Dwalin didn't look anywhere near the hobbit after that comment, whatever being offended and angry for him about the so called insult or because of the quilt he felt for helping to destroy the statues. Or both.

Bilbo sighed and lifted his eyes from the box to Thorin, who was spacing out, staring the half empty teacup in front of him, but not really seeing it.

"She had a reason to leave, and I do not blame her" Bilbo starts, waking Thorin from his thoughts. His pearsing blue eyes turn to Bilbo, still showing the quilt and sadness in him. Bilbo knew he was sorry for what he had done, and he understood perfectly well that Thorin wanted to apologie and make amends. But there was only one problem. "It just that... I have heard that Gandalf did visit Buckland some few weeks ago, he just never came to visit me. And I also believe that he was alone, like he always is when he comes to our lands, since there were no rumours of young woman travelling with him. And do believe me, if woman - at any age - had travelled with that blasted wizard, word would have travelled trough our lands faster than a wind"

Dwalin sneered and glanced to a dwarrowdam next to him, who in turn galred a hole to the warrior, whilst Thorin was frowning and staring somewhere behind Bilbo. Bilbo looked at them with pity. He felt bad that he had nothing else to offer, and that the married couple seemed to have their own guarrel, seemingly about (Y/n), and he wasn't helping it at all. If anything, Bilbo felt like he was making it only worse, since he had no information about the young woman.

And still Bilbo wondered, how did other's mistake, his loyalty to his king and to his duty, to his job cause such a hatred between them? No, not hatred, they still did love each other.

Bilbo lowered his eyes to the small musicbox. Both of these dwarves loved their king and (Y/n), but where Dwalin was loyal to Thorin and his best friend, Olka was loyal to (Y/n). They might not be best of friend's, not quite yet, but Bilbo could see that in near future Olka would be (Y/n)'s right hand man, or rather woman.

And then he knew that it was that loyalty what was causing all the disagreemend and problems between them. And Bilbo was sure that they would eventually sort it out. Maybe it would even help them, if they had good new from (Y/n). And just then Bilbo had a rather good thought, if one was to ask from him.

"Did you look for her from Rivendell?" Bilbo asked, lifting his eyes from the musicbox to Thorin. Bilbo knew it might be futile to ask it, but, well... You never knew when was talking about dwarves and elves. And the way how Thorin sat a little straighter, more kingly like, how he tried to extend the time before he answered, gave Bilbo the answer he needed. And he gave Thorin a small, tierd yet knowing smile.

"We came straight here. I had no business in Rivendell" Thorin replied, looking Bilbo with emotionless face. The same face he used in council room and pretty much in every situation and conversation he didn't want to be part of and which he wanted to end as quickly as possible, if Bilbo had to guess.

"Expect trying to find yer one" Olka grumbled, glaring the king. And Bilbo smiled a little, trying to hide his grin with his hand maybe a tad too late, for he had been meaning to say the same thing. Thorin and Dwalin looked openly annoyed by the fact that (Y/n) might actually be in Rivendell and not in the Shire, in good hands with their bulglar.

With a small sigh, Bilbo rose and went to collect now cold tea and food from the table, taking it back to the kitchen. All the while he did so, he cursed his adventurous side of the family tree. Those Took's never knew how to live peaceful and normal life, like any respectful hobbit would.

When he returned back to the dining room, Dwalin and Thorin were grumbling something quietly a little further in the room, while Olka was staring out of the window with a little frown. When Bilbo stopped next to her, the dwarrowdam turned to look at him.

"She might be anywhere" she whispered. Bilbo only nodded, turning to look at the two dwarrow a little further away from them.

"There's a change she is in Rivendell. Lord Elrond offered her a place and home from his halls back when we were staying in Rivenell" Bilbo confronts the dam. Dwalin and Thorin stops their quiet talk and turn to look at Bilbo and Olka, and for a while they are all quiet.

"And if she's not in Rivendell?" Thorin finally asks. Dwalin's intence stare almost seemed to drill through Bilbo. Back at the time before the quest he's stare had been intimidating, but now Bilbo could easily brush it off. The dwarves could easily intimitate others if they so wished, unless you knew them well. And were enough stubborn and hot head to not to get worked up and threatened by them. And now that Bilbo could feel himself being unaffected by Dwalin's glare.

"Then she does not wish to be found" Bilbo said, smiling a little sympathetic. "Because in the end, it is her choise what she does with her life, not yours. And you made it pretty clear that you did not have any interest for her" Thorin lowered his head, and swallowed. He knew Bilbo was right, of course he was. Thorin's quest to find his One was almost as trivial as trying to find his father all those years ago, and he had died before they could meet eachother again.

"And since you are going to meet the elves, I believe you are going to need someone who has good relations with them and who can talk to them without offending them" Bilbo said with an ease, moving from the dining room to lobby and from there to his room, muttering to himself. The dwarves look at each other with confusion. Then, Dwalin turned to look at the direction Bilbo had walked, still utterly confused.

"But the wizard is Mahal knows where!" he half shouted so that the halfling could hear him. And as soon as the words had left his lips, Olka sighed, half facepalming and half messaging her temple, while Thorin turned to look at he's best friend. Then Dwalin turned to look at the two and he made silent "oh" sound as he understood what the halfling had meant.

After 15 minutes Bilbo came back to the room after leaving an ragback to the lobby, wearin a travel fit clothes on him. He walked straight to the kitchen, not paying any attention to the dwarves, and after 10 minutes or so, he came back with a small bag full of something and another bag hanging over his arm, empty. Again, Bilbo passed over the dwarves, not looking at them or paying any attention to them, as if he had already forgotten that they were still there. Dwalin and Thorin exchanged looks, while Olka was staring after the halfling with keen interest and a little smile over her lips.

After 10 more minutes or so, Bilbo appreared back in the lobby, now looking at the dwarves, smiling little to himself. He had big bag full of something with him, which he lowered to the floor next to his travelling bag.

"I have a newly wed relatives that I'd like to watch over Bag End while I'm gone, so if you don't mind a little delay, I'll go and fetch them" the hobbit said. Thorin and Dwalin only nodded, a little puzzeled by their little friend's eagerness for travelling. Compared to last time, this was a huge change. But, then again, this time they were only travelling as far as Rivendell and there was no dragon looming at the end of their travel. Olka, instead, was nodding with approval.

"Of course, master Baggins! We can't leave your home without someone watching over it. And not to forget your garden!" she said, still nodding. And Bilbo smiled. She was the first dwarf he liked from the moment they had met. And there were quite many dwarves he had met!

Draco and Primula Baggins were more than happy to watch over Bilbo's home, and they even promised to throw a small party to few of their friends to epty Bilbo's pantry - for they had claimed that since it was just the two of them at the moment, they simply couldn't eat all their own food and Bilbo's food before atleas half of it would spoil.

Happy for the situation, Bilbo started his new adventure with the dwarves. They had to get him a pony, since the dwarves only had three with them and they all rather travelled alone on a pony, even Bilbo. And this time the ponies hair didn't bother him, he had remembered to take - not one but three! - handkerchief with him! Bilbo still missed Minty sometimes, but his new pony, Rosabell, was as sweet as the late pony. And as beautiful with her dark brown mane and chocolate and white fur. So, Bilbo was more than happy to own her, and he was sure that he would go riding more often when he would return back home from Rivendell.

Their traveles went on well without any incidents until they stopped at familiar, destroyed farm house. Bilbo let out a long sigh after seeing the house and regocnising it. Thorin threw a quick look to the hobbit, before orderin Dwalin and Olka to look some firewood. The two left rather quickly with muttered "Aye", while Thorin and Bilbo stayed behind to mend the ponies. When the two dwarves were far enough, Thorin turned to look at Bilbo with a small, reassuring smile.

"This area is safe now. Myself, Dwalin and Olka camed here on our way to your home, and we made sure that there are no more trolls in the area" Thorin reassured Bilbo with a small smile. Bilbo sighed, relieved to know that. He still remembered too vividly their encounter with the three trolls.

"That's good to hear. But still, if you don't mind, I'd rather still be on quard than take it easy" Bilbo said, still being a little tense. He already feard how many nightmare's he would have. Or, how little sleep he would have. Thorin squeezed his shoulder and gave a symphatetic smile to the hobbit.

"No need to be sorry, Bilbo. It's good to be on your guard at all the times, even when one tells you there should not be any danger" Thorin said and then he left Bilbo alone with his thoughts as he went close to the old farmhouse. Bilbo stayed a while with he's pony, still feeling uneasy. After Dwalin and Olka came back with the firewood, Bilbo sighed and gave a quick kiss on top of Rosabell's snout. Then he joined sitting with the small company. And soon after Dwalin had gotten the fire going, Bilbo started to prepare their dinner. Yet again. Dwalin and Thorin weren't that good of a cook's and Olka rather enjoyed the hobbit's food. Even the green one. Sometimes the dam offeren to help the hobbit, sometiems she rather sat close to the hobbit to tell him stories.

That night Bilbo had nightmares of the jorney to reclaim Erebor, and more specific, of the evening they had encountered the trolls. (Y/n)'s scream echoed in he's ears as one of the trolls had grapped her and the terror was still fresh in his mind as Olka woke Bilbo. After reassuring the dam that he was fine, Bilbo lay there on his bedroll, unable to sleep for the rest of the night.

Why was here, again?

Bilbo was leaning to a white fence, staring to one of the beautifulest scenery's he had ever seen. And yet, he still couldn't see it. He's mind was apsent, blank. He could only, still, hear Thorin's heartbroken cry. The elves would escort him home the next day, while the dwarves would... go back home, back to Erebor, if Bilbo had to guess. Then Bilbo lifted his eyes, finally somewhat focusing to the scenery.

Not here.

The second Elrond's face dropped, turned serious, Bilbo knew the truth. How the elf lord lost all the emotion's from he's face.

She was not here.

How convenient that Gandalf was here. From all of the places. And how nice of him to deliver the news to the group. Not. Yet again, the wizard being there seemed to be more of an joke than usefull thing.

She was not here.

It was a miracle that lord Elrond and Gandalf were still alive, given the circumstances.

She's with her family now. Lord Elrond and king Thranduil, of all the elves in the all the Middle Earth, had found a way to send her back to her world. She was where she wanted to be, where she belonged. And why ever Gandalf hadn't dropped by Bilbo's home when he had been visiting in Buckland and informed the hobbit about the new was still a mystery to the hobbit.

Bilbo's eyes finally found a lonely person standing in a far balcony. Alone, broken, and a small wooden box on his hands, playing a lullyby his mother had hummed to him when he had been a pebble. A roque tar dropped to Bilbo's cheeck as he heard Thorin's wistfull voice, how he remembered his longing look.

"One day, I wish to play this to our pebble. Mine and (Y/n)’s"

Not here.

#Thorin Oakenshield #thorin x reader #bilbo baggins #dwalin #the hobbit #the hobbit fanfiction #fanfiction

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liddolwhynot2000 · 3 years

Text

Chains: Part 3

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Summary:

Levi didn't need to tell to him how much of a fool he was. Because Erwin already knew it.

Only a fool would let go of a chance with a woman like you.

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Pairings: Erwin/Reader, Levi/Reader

Genre: Angst, one sided love, regrets

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ChainsPt1. ChainsPt2. ChainsPt4

Drabble#1

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'You're pretty shitty at noticing what's right infront of you.'

Erwin wanted to scoff at that statement. One of the reasons he made such a good commander was because he had a very keen eye for details. He could take one look at a document and pin point all the errors in it within a moments notice. His sharp observation skills had been what had significantly reduced the Survey Corps death rate.

He prided himself on his ability to notice things--alas none of that extended to his personal life.

And Levi was the one to point it out to him.

Not to say that he didn't know it already, it was just that he often prefered to pretend he didn't. The rational part of him often insisted how dwelling on his own shortcomings was pointless. After all, he was doing just fine as the commander wasn't he?

Reminding himself of that, he turned his attention back to Levi. His response was cool and crisp, not giving away his internal struggle.

'Is there a problem with the mission plan?'

'Tch- don't beat around the bush commander. We both know what I'm talking about.'

Ah typical, straightforward Levi. Even though he was mostly used to it, even he got thrown off at times by how the man refused to sneak around a topic.

'Apologies-but I really don't know--'

Erwin turned back to the map on his desk, dismissing Levi

'-And frankly, I don't have the time for this. If its not related to the mission, please leave.'

There was moment of silence, before Levi turned to leave. Just as he was about to shut the door, he spoke up again.

'You're a fool Erwin. And I have no intention of following in your footsteps.'

With that, he shut the door.

Erwin let out a dry, humourless chuckle

Levi didn't need to tell to him how much of a fool he was. Because Erwin already knew it.

Only a fool would let go of a chance with a woman like you.

____________________________________

When Erwin had been young, back in his cadet days, he and his friends had often frequented a bar nearby. It was a good time for them, drinking, laughing, talking about girls. They enjoyed a nice, hot meal, with no sergeant screaming at them. It was one of the few times they could relax.

It was also when he had met Marie.

Beautiful, sassy Marie, who had captivated him at first sight. Her pretty smile and snark had easily wormed their way into his heart--and like any other hot blooded man, he had immediately tried to court her.

He had been very well aware of his own charms back then, knowing most women considered him attractive. He could be smooth when needed and for Marie, he had gone out of his way to win her over with everything he had.

Even going as far to chat up the other barmaids, so that they would harbour good opinions of him. You, in specific, had been a target. He had been able to tell that you and Marie were good enough friends that your word would matter.

Erwin doubted you had realized it at the time, that he had been playing you. He hadn't been blind to your feelings for him, he recalled your slight blush and the way you wouldn't fully make eye contact with him. He had even thought of you as attractive--but that was just about it.

You were attractive, sure, but to him, especially back then, Marie had been absolutely breathtaking. So he had strung you along a little, knowing that the higher opinion you had of him, the more you would tell Marie positive things about him. His courting efforts had paid off and before long, he was finally turning his entire attention to a very receptive Marie. You clearly hadn't noticed how he had used you, but you had kept your head down and taken the hint.

To this day, he was still ashamed of himself for that.

Even back then, he had felt a little awful about his behaviour. But that feeling had been easily overwhelmed by the blossoming of his new relationship-- first kisses, first dates. All his time outside of the training corps had been devoted to Marie. He had fallen hard for her, and had envisioned their future together.

He would meet her parents after he graduated and get her father's blessing. The two of them would get married in a modest ceremony, and move into a decent house. He would climb the ranks and the two of you would start a family soon enough. He would be welcomed home by her, and their children causing a ruckus and running around. It was the picture perfect family.

Until it wasn't.

In his vision of a life with Marie, Erwin had lost himself. Those soft, fleeting touches left him intoxicated, dreaming of a life that he wasn't sure he could ever want. And as graduation loomed closer, he had begun to sober up.

He had convinced himself that Marie's dreams for life were his own, but had forgotten about his own dreams.

The reason he had joined the Cadet Corps was so he could join the Survey Corps and explore the outside world. He wanted to figure out the titans, their history and most importantly, prove his father's theory.

It wasn't about sating his own curiosity-- no, it was about proving his father had been right. That his idiotic son hadn't gotten him killed over nothing.

Once he had snapped out of the honeymoon phase of their relationship, he had begun to recall his priorities. As much as he had loved Marie back then, he knew he wouldn't have been able to turn his back on his father. Otherwise, he would have spent the rest of his life drowning in unresolved guilt.

Erwin's choice had been clear, but by then he and Marie had been so deep into their relationship, that he had to contemplate what to do. He wasn't dumb- he knew it would be a choice. There was no way he could join the Survey Corps and still be with Marie. She had always made it clear that she wanted a husband who she could see everyday. Who would be safe in the walls with her, and could give her a comfortable life.

It had been a choice. And as much as it had pained him to do so, he had let Marie go.

____________________________________

Erwin sat at the bar later that night, downing his second beer bottle. He had ordered another one to the go, with the bartender eyeing him with something akin to pity.

'Ya got your heart broken or something?'

Erwin chuckled bitterly

'No. I was just a little blind.'

The bartender nodded in understanding, giving him his beer and a sympathetic smile.

Erwin paid his dues, took his drink, and left the bar. He lazily walked along the side walk, heading back the barracks. The air was chilly, but he was too lost in thought to care.

____________________________________

Meeting you again had been weird to say the least. For one, it brought back a ton of shame he had been holding back all these years.

He remembered how insensitive he had been, using you and your feelings to get the girl he had wanted. Fate had dealt him quite the hand, probably as punishment for treating you like that, and had made sure hadn't ended up with Marie.

You had gotten significantly more attractive, Erwin had admitted to himself. You had certainly blossomed into a much more sure version of yourself, holding your head high, evenly making eye contact with everyone. You still retained some quietness, which he had to admit wasn't off putting at all.

He found himself approaching you, at first wanting to make up for how he had behaved. He had planned to tell you the truth, and get the slap he deserved. But somehow, one enjoyable conversation had turned into two, two into six and before he had been able to stop it, he had become good friends with you.

The two of you would meet up and chat about books, or sometimes share a meal together. It had become a routine of some sort--a safe haven from all his troubles.

A moral man would tell you the truth, and take his punishment. But he had grown too fond of you. Your laughter, and soothing presence had grown on him. He couldn't let go. So he hid his misdeeds and shoved it into the back of his mind, selfishly wanting to keep being with you.

Erwin wasn't dumb, he knew himself better then anyone. It hadn't taken him long to understand his reasons being around you went beyond friendship.

It wasn't friendship that had him imagining what it would be like to slip his hands around your waist and rest his head on your shoulder as you cooked.

It wasn't friendship that made him sorely miss you at military balls--made him wish it was you he was slow dancing with.

It wasn't friendship that made him look at the empty side of his bed and long for another person to be there. For you to be there.

He wasn't hopelessly in love with you- or at least he didn't think so. But he had certainly felt strongly about you. Looking back on it, if he had played his cards right, he would have gotten you.

He had thought that he would confess to you, and be met with a positive response. He would throw the secret he was keeping from you to the darkest pits of his mind, and embrace a new life with you, even with his suicidal profession.

It hadn't worked out that way.

Just a day before the expedition, Erwin had suffered through a bad day. He had recieved news of Marie and her husband Nile welcoming their first child. And it had hurt.

As much as he had fallen for you, Marie had held a significant part of his heart. Letting her go had been extremely difficult for him, but he had thought that he would have made peace with it by now. While he wouldn't say he was heart broken, he certainly hadn't been able to stop himself from feeling bitter.

His first love had moved on from him so easily.

His mood had only gotten worse after the expedition, another senseless loss of life had been incurred--and it could have been prevented if the Commander had bothered hearing out Erwin's plan.

He had been so frustrated, so done with it all. His only outlet had been drinking, and he had ended up going to you.

In hindsight, it had been a bad decision from the start. Going to the woman he hoped to make his one day, while feeling bitter over the woman he had loved in the past and being drunk at the same time was a bad combination.

And it had ended up becoming a night he would regret.

'M.. Marie?'

____________________________________

Erwin let himself into his room, glad that captain's got their own room. It had taken him some effort to open the door, feeling a little hazy from his drinking.

Kicking off his shoes, he sunk into his chair, head pounding from the alcohol he had consumed and heart hurting from his own failures.

It had been so stupid of him, going to you at that time. It had messed up any chance he had with you.

You're demeanour towards him had changed after that, no longer giving flashes of anything beyond friendship. You had built up a wall against him, unwilling to let him in like before. It had left him feeling unsure of what to do, of how to talk to you.

You never once brought up that night, or Marie, simply carrying on as though nothing had happened. A part of him had wanted to talk to you immediately, to tell you it wasn't what you thought it was, but he had held himself back.

He figured if he gave you some time, you would be more receptive to hearing him out. At that point, you might not have taken his confession well. So he allowed the distance you were putting between them to grow, convincing himself that when the time was right, he would confess to you.

Too bad he had made the mistake of introducing you to Levi.

____________________________________

Erwin clearly recalled the first time you had met Levi, for he had been the one who had brought him to the resteraunt you worked at.

He had noticed the short man's attraction to you immediately, watching from the corner of his eye as the man eyed you with interest. His expert self-control had been the only thing keeping the ugly, seething jealousy he had felt at that moment from showing on his face.

It had taken everything in him to leave at that moment.

And there wasn't a moment after that he stopped regretting leaving.

Before, he had been watching you pull away from him. And now? He was watching you go into someone else's arms.

It had started out small, accidentally overhearing Levi's friends teasing him about you. Telling him to ask you out. He had ignored it back then.

After his friends had died, Levi had begun to dissappear in his his free time. Erwin had been suspicious about it, and had tracked him down one day, only to find the man sharing tea with you. The sight of you giggling as Levi looked at you so softly had made him want to throw up.

He hadn't confronted the two of you and just walked away, each step away from you feeling heavier then the last.

The two of you begun to talk less and less, and Erwin could tell it wasn't affecting you as much as it was affecting him. His one fuck up had made you give up on him and move on-for good.

Now, he was forced to watch you and Levi go in circles around each other. You would bring him meals to headquarters, he would buy you little trinkets from the village. Erwin would see it all unfold- Levi eating his own home cooked meals that smelled so familiar. You wearing jewellery he had seen Levi looking at.

It was the start of a picture perfect romance. Any other person would be ignored by humanity's strongest solider if they tripped to the ground, but Levi would always firmly grab you before you even fell halfway.

Levi smiled at you when he thought no one was looking, he looked at you as though you were the single most important person in his life--and honestly? Erwin couldn't blame him.

You were perfect really. Especially for someone who was in the Survey Corps. So understanding, always near by becuase of your job, a great listener, funny, smart.. And not meant to be his.

Had he not been blind to you all those years ago, had seen the traits you had, the ones that Marie didn't, he could have been happy right now. Without a doubt, he could tell, you would have supported his dreams to join the Survey Corps. Had he not been so star struck by Marie back then, he wouldn't have spent the past years stowing in heartbreak. Now, he had lost you, and the only way to get you back would never let him sleep at night again.

He had, yet again, made a choice. If he wanted to, with little effort, he could send Levi back to the underground and away from you. In his lowest moments, he envisioned being petty enough to actually go through with it. You would get over it, and he could comfort you in that time of heartbreak. But he couldn't. Because he needed Levi's strength.

Levi had begun to carry expeditions on his back, to the point that he had single handedly lowered their death rate by 8%. Without him, the corps would be doomed and disbanded.

And Erwin had already sent too many soldiers to their death for that to happen.

So, with a heavy heart, he chose the military over the person he wanted to be with. Again. He resolved himself to watching you and Levi get together. To have the relationship his heart screamed at him to have with you.

What he hadn't expected was that he would walk in on the moment the two of you would be confessing to each other.

____________________________________

Erwin sat in his office, working on filling his tax forms. He had woken up hungover, and forced himself to freshen up so that he could work with a clear mind.

His hand worked on auto pilot, with his mind distracted. A part of him, a bitter, cruel part of him, wanted it to not work out for you and Levi. But his head was much more sensible.

He had seen the way the two of you looked at each other--people who looked so lovingly at each other could only be seperated by the tragedy of death. And considering Levi's inhumane strength and battle expertise, he doubted it would happen anytime soon.

Frustrated, he shook his head and counselled himself. He had mourned losing you last night-but no more. He would focus on his work and self assigned mission. That's all. Like everything else in his life, he would make peace with this situation.

With that thought, he shifted his entire attention to his work.

Maybe Erwin would have mourned a little more back then, had he known that, a year from now, he would have to watch you and Levi makes vows to each other.

Till Death do us apart~

____________________________________

A/N: Heyooo. So this was highly requested and I hope it served y'all well! Do tell if you enjoyed it. My asks are open, so ask away people. I feel tempted to branch out and write about the Levi and Reader in this fic some more. I already wrote about how they met and fell for each other in Chains Part 2. But maybe I could write of their life together? I dunno if y'all would even want that.

I have a big exam result in 15 hours and I'm honestly terrified. I wrote this completely hyper and ready to be distracted.

Also we're about to hit 100 followers omg fhfjfjf y'all make me smile in times of stress.

#AOT #Snk #aot #levi ackerman #attack on titan #levi attack on titan #Levi x reader #Erwin X reader #Angst

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ruinouss-archived · 2 years

Text

Kiss Prompts

@basstardz said: 65. one small kiss, pulling away for an instant before devouring each other. (Nightcrawler)

There was a heavy silence that lingered around her like a suffocating fog despite the celebration going on in the main part of the school. Bursts of laughter and cheers slipped beneath the door to haunt her. Another successful mission had brought in a new group of recruits and students. It should’ve had her exuberant and eager to partake but didn’t.

With the success of the mission came the death of an old friend, someone who had gone down the wrong path and paid the ultimate price. It could’ve been her. Should’ve been her. He had been a gone man once; he just had a habit of giving into bad habits and trusting the wrong people. Her heart was heavier than ever as she stared sullenly out one her windows at the twinkling stars. They mocked her. Friends surrounded and shimmering with a light unknown to her.

Tears started to well up, flooding her eyes as they threatened to fall over her lids and down her freckled cheeks. Her mouth grew dry and suddenly she felt a warm snugness wrap around her small hands. Turning her head, she met a sympathetic gaze. Kurt’s gaze. She’d gotten so immersed in her feelings and thoughts she’d nearly forgotten he’d come to check on her. He’d been the only one to notice the pain hidden behind a mask of smiles earlier. He always seemed to know and so she had confided in him her past relation with the man. Now the two of them sat on her bed, her hands secure in his own.

“I’m...I’m so sorry,” she tilted her head to use her shoulder to wipe a single tear from existence. How embarrassing. Her fingers wrapped firmly around his, giving his hands a reassuring squeeze that she was alright. She was lucky. Kurt had saved her in more ways than he’d ever know and she loved him for it. They’d connected almost instantly upon meeting and their bond had only grown to the point of her craving more than friendship. She wanted to be with him but knew he deserved far better than a sinner like herself. He was a blessing and she a curse and despite her soul crushing longing she couldn’t put him through that. Not after all he’d done for her and those around him.

“I didn’t mean to space,” she glanced away for a moment before looking back, finding herself at a loss for words as she stared into his eyes. An inviting light, brighter and more mesmerizing than the stars, seemed to emit from them, drawing her closer. Before she knew it, she had leaned forward, her lips gently pressing against his.

They were soft, heavenly, and stirred something deep inside her. Chains that had been holding her down were instantly broken, clattering to the floor and dissolved in a smoky haze. Metal bars that had constricted her aching heart bent and curled backward, freeing the caged muscle and allowing it to beat freely and erratically.

Realization hit and she started to pull away, her hands withdrawing from the safety of his as she recognized the heinous crime she’d just committed. Her mouth opened to apologize but no words ever left her. His hands had taken hold of her face to keep her from recoiling further as his lips found his. There was no protest from her just a pitiful cry that crept from her throat. They’d been teased relentlessly by the other members of the school, their feelings for one another grossly obvious but both refused to act -- until now. She wouldn’t repress her emotions any further as she returned the open mouth kiss, tongues coaxing each other out of their respectful homes, tasting one another.

Words had been neglected in exchange for breathless sighs and coveting gasps. Her hands had assisted her only in pushing herself onto his lap before one tangled in his dark locks, trapping him as the other moved beneath his shirt and jacket. Fingers slid up his back to caress the strong muscles beneath his skin as she pulled away for a second just to catch her breath, chest rising and falling in short rapid bursts. Words would never describe the magnitude of the love she harbored for him so she’d just have to show him in other ways. Once more, her lips smashed against his with almost bruising force as she pulled him closer in a lover’s embrace.

#basstardz #v| What Goes Up Must Come Down

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myblueeyedbuggers · 3 years

Text

My Boys

Chapter 5

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14

Pairings: Reader x Steve Rogers (best friend) Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 1402

Warnings: Slow Start, Language.

Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change

Hi all, so this one is more of a filler chapter, I couldn’t leave it out and skip straight to my next idea cause to be honest the story wouldn’t of made sense and we would of been confused XD. But luckily for you all, because this ones so short I’m gonna upload chapter 6 tonight as well :) Enjoy Everyone!

-Third person POV

Pure terror filled with atmosphere the minute the little girls body hit the floor, blood seeped out of the wound and stained the floor as the two boys fell next to her, calling her name in a panicked frenzy. The police pried the two boys away from the younger girl, carrying her over to the nearby paramedic as the pair watched helplessly, guilt crushing the both from the inside. Different people flocked to her side, one placing a mask on her face while another lifted her shirt and applied pressure to the wound.

Everyone’s gazes followed her, watching with sad eyes as the ambulance crew frantically packed her into the van, suddenly the young girl started convulsing and thrashing around as a crew member rushed to the door and slammed it shut as the ambulance pulled away, the sirens echoing off the buildings as the van disappeared from view. The two boys left behind were inconsolable as they turned away from the scene and followed the path of the ambulance, ignoring the calls of the police officers attempting to console them.

-Time Skip

The doors of the hospital flew open, Mrs Barnes flew across the floor, her two sons in tow as her daughter and husband followed them, her eyes were red from all the crying she had done, her heart heavy with dread and worry for the sweet girl brought to her a few days ago. The news of her boys being involved in something so horrifically violent nearly gave her a heart attack, knowing that if it wasn’t for the young girl, then both of her sons would have died for no reason.

The amount of gratitude she felt her the younger girl’s actions was indescribable, her disbelief that this girl was so willing to sacrifice herself for a pair of boys she hardly knew was baffling Mrs Barnes brain in more than one way. She had to know that the girl was okay, not only for her sake but for the two boys behind her, neither had said a word since they told her what happened, both too consumed by their own guilt.

The rapid pace of her approaching footsteps grabbed the attention of the nearby doctors and nurses, all watched with wide eyes as she neared the reception desk, the look on her face implied that she meant business. “Excuse me, but could you tell me which room y/n is in? the little girl brought in with the gunshot wound? Please she a very good friend of my sons and I’m worried sick about her” desperation laced her voice as the receptionist glanced at the woman wearily, “That all depends if you’re inquiry as a family member or a family friend Ma’am”. A shaky laugh passed through the lips of the older woman as she stared at the receptionist disbelief, “ I’m not related to her, but she hasn’t got any family coming to see her, we’re the closest thing she has to that, please she saved my sons life today, I just need to know if she’s okay” the older woman’s voice faded into a whisper as she fought back the tears, Mr Barnes stood next to her and wrapped a arm around his wife in an attempt to comfort her.

Seconds passed before the receptionist replied, “Y/n’s in surgery, the bullet shattered, the doctors are trying to find all the pieces, she’s suffered a lot of blood loss due to internal bleeding, but all our best doctors are in there with her. She’ll be okay Ma’am. Room 296 has been prepped for her, I’ll put you all through as family for tonight, but only tonight.” The older woman grasped the hand of the receptionist, whispering her thanks before following her family down the corridor to the little girl’s room.

-Bucky’s POV

It’s all my fault… if I hadn’t of been so stupid y/n wouldn’t be in this situation. Her eyes were haunting my mind, the way they glossed over as she fell, the amount of pain that showed in them was enough to slowly send me insane. What the hell was I thinkin’?! she was fine before I decided to play hero! she was safe, alive and well.

She could die because of me, that’s the worst part. Because of me and my stupid ego she could die, I’d promised to protect and all I’ve done is hurt her, she’s better off without me near her, why didn’t I listen to her? She told me time and time again to leave her alone, that it was too dangerous for us. If only I’d listened…“Stop it Buck” Steve’s voice broke me outta my pity party, my head turned towards him as he began to talk, “Stop blaming yourself, it’s not your fault how were you to know that this would happen? Hell, how were we both supposed to see this happenin’? I knew she said she was in some kinda’ trouble but I never thought it’d be this bad. This is on me Buck, I was the one who followed her into that fight, not you, me. It was my idea to go and save her, my idea that got her shot, not yours.” Steve’s eyes shone with tears, his head was facing the floor in shame, “No Steve, this is on both of us, I was the one who brought her back home, the one who wouldn’t leave her on her own, and if you’re gonna try play that card, I didn’t stop you when you walked into the middle of that fight, I followed you in. So, if anything it’s on both of us”.

We both shared a look, each of our faces mirrored each other as we came close for a hug, my hold on him tight and firm as shared my strength with his.

I hope to god Y/n has it in her heart to forgive us both

-Time Skip

Third person POV

3 hours later, the sound of approaching footsteps woke Mr and Mrs Barnes from their sleep, the 3 kids still sound asleep on the sofa, quietly both parents stood up and made their way outside. A team of a doctor and nurses were rolling the bed currently occupied by y/n towards them, the young girl was a pale as a sheet, the dark bags under her eyes practically glowed in the low light, bandages covered most of her midriff and dark bruising covered her nose. Mrs Barnes clamped a hand over her mouth to stifle her cry, her head turned into her husband’s chest as he fought to hold back the tears at the sight of the young girl, the doctor approached them with a sympathetic smile as he held his hand out to Mr Barnes.

“Good Evening Mr Barnes, my names Doctor Miller, now y/n has lost a lot of blood, the bullet nicked the aorta artery, but we managed to stop the bleeding. We had to put her under some sedatives for the time being, she’ll be very weak for a few days and unfortunately, she’ll have to remain in the hospital for the next few days while we monitor her progress, y/n will need lots of rest while she’s recovering so anything you can do to help her would be apricated. Besides from a broken now and a few bruised ribs, she’ll be okay, just give her a few days to come around.”

“Thank you for this doctor, there’s no words to say how grateful we are” Mr Barnes then offered his hand to the doctor and shook it, his eyes reflecting the gratitude for the doctor’s actions and his relief for the little girl being okay. With one final nod, Doctor turned and joined the nurses leaving y/n’s room, both parents glanced at each other as they prepared to walk back into the room, neither wanting to see the young girl in such a horrible state.

Both parents opened the door and made their way to the young girl’s side, sparing a glance to the other children on the sofa and checking to see if they were still asleep, luckily all three were still out for the count. More tears slid down the face of Mrs Barnes, her hand gently grasping the little girls as her husband pulled her back into his chest, him too struggling to fight off his own tears.

So that’s chapter 5 outta the way, kept it short and not to sweet (Pardon the poor play on words there). Hopefully you all enjoyed :)Thanks for Reading!

Rose xxx

#winter soldier x reader #winter soldier #captian america x reader #captain america #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #mcu #fanfic #reader #reader insert #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan

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beeblackburn · 3 years

Note

The First Law for the fandom ask! 😁

The first character I ever fell in love with: In hindsight, Logen Ninefingers, given how much he eviscerates his character trope so completely even then, but in the immediate, at the time, sense? The moment Sand dan Glokta first complained about the steps, my heart was gripped and it took awhile.

A character that I used to love/like, but now do not: On a personal level, too many to count, everyone’s either such a piece of shit or were written sympathetically enough before Abercrombie knocked the pedestal off them in this series. That being said, Sand dan Glokta. I still really like him, partly thanks to The Trouble with Peace and one hell of a choice scene, but after what he did near the end of Last Argument of Kings, and revising the series, I can’t help, but realize what I liked about him was the potential that he’d grow a heart and stop doing awful things, and him doubling down at the end was disappointing, if not surprising.

A ship that I used to love/like, but now do not: Jezal/Ardee. It was cute when I first read it, and I generally think Jezal had enough strength of character to try to do right by her, if the kingmaking business hadn’t been a thing, but I think it’s super telling that, upon being king, he thought about making her his mistress instead of realizing that wouldn’t have placated Ardee and she’d be bitter about the broken promise. In the end, they never fully knew each other, Jezal never knew the full extent of Ardee’s past, and what attracted them to each other was the dream of something better rather than anything substantial. I pity them, but they absolutely wouldn’t have worked out like Glokta/Ardee ended up doing.

My ultimate favorite character™: Logen “The Bloody-Nine” Ninefingers. But Black Calder and Crown Prince Orso are really close behind and they could easily climb overhead Logen with The Wisdom of Crowds. I’m expecting it with Crown Prince Orso, depending on how his character goes.

Prettiest character: Probably Crown Prince Orso? I know Leo dan Brock, Jappo mon Rogont Murcatto, and Stour Nightfall (though Jappo and Stour’s more my type) are objectively more handsome, but I like a little pudge in my handsome boys and Orso’s got that while having a prettier personality.

My most hated character: Collem West, easily, but I think Malacus Quai could've been better, character-wise.

My OTP: Everyone/Therapy. Seriously, Shy/Temple. Abercrombie can write some really sweet couples for such a self-professed cynic, given Calder/Seff, Bethod/Ursi, and Shenkt/Vitari.

My NOTP: Bayaz/Power. Seriously, Shev/Carcolf. Shev, please stop going after someone you know is toxic. Walk away and close that door forever. You deserve so much better, you gay babe.

Favorite episode: Red Country or The Heroes.

Red Country has such a somber tone of bittersweet past and longing for redemption that I just ate up and broke my heart against. Lamb, Temple, Cosca, Shivers, Shy and the Felllowship, so many people want to do better from their pasts like in his past books but this time, maybe, just maybe, Abercrombie lets some of them win against their inner demons. It’s such a haunting book, men with the ghosts of their pasts hanging around them and the inevitability of changing times creeping onto them as they trek the Near and Far Country.

The Heroes is basically a typical cookie-cutter war story except it’s Abercrombie writing it. The entire Northern subplot of The First Law distilled into a narratively and thematically tight book, with some tremendously strong supporting characters, some of my favorite POVs (PRINCE CALDER! FINREE DAN BROCK! BREMER DAN GORST!) and carrying some of my favorite scenes of the entire series! It’s such a treat and I’ve loved each and all of my five rereads. This book puts all other war stories to shame for not even coming close.

Saddest death: Count Foscar (Monza relating him to the boy Benna was, laughing in the wheat, breaks me every time). Antaup (how dare you take a chapter to establish how heartbreaking a cock-blocker’s death would be, Abercrombie!), Tul Duru Thunderhead and Scale Ironhand. Oh, those hurt. Those hurt so much. And, despite how much of a shithead he was, Nicomo Cosca’s death hit me surprisingly hard. Sad and pathetic and broken.

Favorite season: Tricky. Because The Great Leveller and The Age of Madness have my favorite books in the entire series and the former’s got The Heroes and Red Country... but it’s also got Best Served Cold, which was I admittedly colder (heh) on. I’ll take the bullet that it’s a me problem and it’s still a fundamentally well-written book. The latter’s got A Little Hatred, which was a far better The Blade Itself in some ways, and, especially The Trouble with Peace, which was a roller-goddamn-coaster of a book with absolutely some of my favorite material by far. I’d say The Great Leveller for now, but I’m holding my breath on The Age of Madness usurping The Great Leveller in the end, given The Wisdom of Crowds sounds like it’s getting into all the revolutionary and freaky stuff I love about the trilogy, a relentless inferno for society and the soul.

Least favorite season: Look, I love every book in the Circle of the World, but The First Law was the result of Abercrombie stretching his legs for the first time, writing-wise, and it shows. Logen’s wife and children never fully breathe as a necessary part of him and his early magic shows growing pains in Abercrombie’s writing, West’s material isn’t as incisive a character deconstruction as it could’ve been (dude should’ve been more insidiously a piece of shit in his mind to subvert his “good commoner” trope), Dogman’s only gets by himself particularly interesting at the leg end of Last Argument of Kings, and Craw does his character better I’d say, Cathil and Ferro were underwritten (though I think Ferro’s got interesting stuff in her POV), and everything to do with Terez. Just. That. Ugh. The writing bones are solid and the main trio, Logen, Glokta, and Jezal, are all wonderful POVs, but I think it’s safe to say The First Law is Abercrombie’s freshmen writing, compared to his more affecting material in The Great Leveller and The Age of Madness.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: ... Shivers? I do love him in The Heroes, Red Country, and The Age of Madness, but it always drives me a little crazy how much Shivers’ worsening moral decline is linked to Monza fucking Rogont and not him instead, making him out to be an entitled hyper-jealous asshole, and I ended up being disgusted by him. Add in the fact that he knew what he was getting into when he took a violent job and kept going, despite at least two targets, and kept caving into Monza’s higher payments, Shivers was always a piece of shit in his own right. He fell, he wasn’t pushed by Monza. I like enough of Shivers’ Best Served Cold material, but I just like his later material far more, even if I respect his earlier journey.

That being said, if he sacrifices himself for Rikke’s life in The Wisdom of Crowds, I’m going to rescind all this, because that’s the sort of perfect grace note to the anti-Logen and paaaaaaaaaaaaain. So let’s just go with Threetrees because, by god, he’s a relative snooze compared to the other “straight edges” of the series.

My ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: This could define almost anyone in this series, frankly. I guess Logen or Gorst? I really love their material, but they both definitely belong in a landfill.

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: Can it be anyone but Crown Prince Orso? Dude’s the only one in this world who thinks “there’s a moral question” to rulership aloud to another and isn’t homophobic, racist, or sexist (looking at you, Leo). Even Calder’s got murdering Forley and Reachey in his dark deeds and Temple’s spent years helping Cosca, which... shudders.

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: Monza/Shivers. It’s got some good material and I really hope they can make peace in The Wisdom of Crowds, but also *waves hands* everything else about them, honestly. God, they really did both suck to each other.

Also, Leo/Stour. It’s so wrong, yet so right. I don’t even know if it’d be hate-fucking if they got together at this point, but these two morrions deserve each other.

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: Jurand/Glaward, Rikke/Orso, and Cas/Vick? They’re pretty cute and could easily give each other some happiness, I feel.

#the first law #the age of madness #the great leveller #joe abercrombie

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winterknight1087 · 3 years

Text

The Trash Pizza Wasn’t Worth It

Summary: After accidentally traumatizing Patton in a failed prank for his twin, Remus ends up getting into a fight and ends up in the hospital.

Word Count: 2912

Warnings: sympathetic Remus, sympathetic Deceit/Janus, fight mention, hospital, mention of medication, food mentions, injury mentions, tarantula, Remus has some intrusive thoughts, murder mentions due to those intrusive thoughts, cursing

Pairings: platonic sides, brotherly creativitwins

AO3 Link My Writing

@franthehorsegir I am so sorry this is a little bit late! 2020 ended the same way it went. But still, I hope you enjoy your @sanderssidesgiftxchange present! It was interesting coming up with ways to try and incorporate all your gift wishes and I hope I did it justice! Happy Holidays!

Pranks were a very common phenomenon around the house. The two main culprits were almost always the twins, each trying to one up the other’s last prank. Everyone has accidentally fallen victim to the twins’ pranks at least once a week. A bucket of soap water dumped on Virgil’s head. The Crofters being traded out for what Logan swears was bubblegum toothpaste flavored jello. Patton got hit with a full-on cake, though he got to eat the rest so it was mostly OK. One time, the twins teamed up on Janus and they have never felt more fear than watching Janus stare them in the eyes as he drank the coffee mixed with salt instead of sweetener, acting as if that were his normal drink. Safe to say the coffee was never a victim of the pranks again at least.

Occasionally, a twin would go too far though. Once Roman shaved off Remus’s mustache, while Remus was fast asleep on the couch. Remus was livid and refused to go anywhere until it grew back. Remus had once accidentally knocked Roman unconscious with his inflatable mace. The others were terrified that Roman was extremely hurt, but once he woke up, he was fine, thankfully. However, one prank mishap will live on as the ultimate disaster prank…

***

“You are going to sit here and wait for RoRo and then jump at him, okay?” Remus whispered to the giant tarantula, currently housed in an empty Crofters jar.

He set the creature down as he replaced the current jar with the prank one. He made sure that it didn’t look suspicious before setting up the rest of the prank. Remus carefully lined a tripwire directly behind where he expected Roman to be. He hid a camera behind the toaster to record the entire incident. The icing on top was a special sticky slime that Remus set up to dump on Roman once he tripped over the wire.

Remus hid in the pantry, waiting for Roman to come down for his afternoon snack. If it had been Roman, or any of the others, the prank would have been fine. Logan and Virgil would be momentarily surprised but wouldn’t do much more than look startled. Janus would have hunted Remus down and stole his fake deodorants as punishment. But no…

A high-pitched scream shot through the house as the sound of glass shattered on the ground. Remus was rushing out of his hiding spot in time to see Patton trip over the wire, onto the broken glass. His eyes were locked on the tarantula and when it moved barely a hair, Patton was screaming again as he scrambled backwards, not aware of the glass. When the slime fell, that was it for Patton. He let out another scream as he scrambled to his feet, frantically trying to get the ‘spiders’ off of him as he ran out of the kitchen.

Remus could hear rushing footsteps and Patton screaming about the ‘creepy crawly death dealers’ in the kitchen. The chaotic rat knew he was about to get into major trouble, so he started cleaning up the kitchen, particularly going after the tarantula first. Once it was in a box to give to Virgil later, Remus started sweeping up the broken glass, thoughts about how dead he was running through his head.

Honestly, the five minutes it took Janus to come down to scold Remus seemed longer than normal scolding intervals. But Janus appeared, caped PJs and bowler sleep hat revealing the snake had been taking a nap when awoken to screams. And one thing with Janus was that no one was allowed to interrupt his nap time unless it was a true emergency. Remus gulped seeing the furious man storm into the kitchen.

Let’s just say that Janus wasn’t his usual suave, collected self when he is rudely awoken by screams.

“I will give you exactly ten seconds to explain why you terrified Patton with a shower of spiders.”

“It was one tarantula and slime! It was a prank for Roman but apparently Pat went in without me seeing him!”

“You damn idiot. We all agreed that anything spider related would not happen in this house. Patton is petrified of spiders, even Vee’s spider curtains set him off. And yet, with all the power of your mere quarter of a brain cell, you decided that it was an OK risk to bring a spider into this house and not have a contingency plan to keep Patton away from it? Remus, I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t realize you were able to lower my standards even more than they already were. Even if it were to be Roman, how would this have turned out any better? Answer me that, Remus. How?”

Remus hung his head. “I don’t know.’

“Exactly. All of us put up with your random weird ass bullshit everyday because we’re your friends, but there has always been a line between an OK thing and a very not OK thing. Sending someone into a panic attack through their phobia? Extremely not OK. You useless trash rat, what were you even thinking!? Probably nothing as that useless brain of yours has only one thought a month.”

“Pardon me,” Logan’s voice cut Janus off, “but can the two of you move out of the way? Patton requires the first aid kit.”

The two immediately stepped aside, letting Logan access the medicine cabinet. This new information added fuel to Janus’ eyes, and Remus couldn’t help but remember the coffee salt incident and now really wanted his twin here to bear some of the fury. He knew the second that he had realized Patton fell into his prank that he had messed up, bad, but Janus was going to make sure that Remus could never hear the word spider without remembering his fury.

Logan left with the first aid kit, focused on how he was going to get Patton to sit still long enough to get the glass out of his hands and bandage them while the other was still panicking about spiders. Not that he would have really had any sympathy for Remus as he faced Janus’ wrath. They had all agreed that even Halloween decoration spiders were off limits. And Remus went and broke that agreement? His own fault for angry, sleepy Janus.

“Out.”

Remus blinked. “What?”

“Get out. I don’t want you in line of sight right now.”

Remus didn’t even bother grabbing anything as he quickly left the house. It was supposed to be a funny prank on his brother, not a traumatizing experience for one of his best friends. He even passed by his favorite store to terrorize, not in the mood to evade employees to set all the alarms to go off or add random items to people’s carts and wait for them to discover the item.

Go jump in front of oncoming traffic. It’ll save everyone the trouble of having to deal with you.

Remus had already started to step off the curb before violently shaking his head. What did Logan call those? “Intrusive thoughts. They aren’t me. They can’t be me. Those are just unconscious thoughts that come out of nowhere. They do not indicate who I really am.”

But they are your thoughts and you’ve thought of how to murder each of them so that they won’t laugh at you behind your back anymore. You are just a screw up that is a burden on everyone. Your brother had to convince his friends to let you move in with them, and it was probably out of pity or guilt than love.

“Not true.” Remus muttered to himself as he walked aimlessly. “Even for things I wouldn’t otherwise know about, all of them still invite me. They all willingly choose to be in the same room as me, even when I am being more extra than normal. They get upset when I do something stupid. That was something stupid, so they are right to be mad. Not what you’re telling me, you stupid brain.”

Remus didn’t notice his feet carry him to the dumpster behind the nearby Dennys. He was too busy trying to rationalize the thoughts running through his head and weed out Häagen-Dazs Distortions or whatever Logan called them along with his normal intrusive thoughts. Remus barely noticed climbing into the dumpster, but he settled down in the corner before curling up, filled with the rare instance of self-hatred.

He did eventually pull himself out of his thoughts long enough to text his brother’s old friend that he was in their dumpster again and not to panic if someone came to toss trash. It spoke multitudes to the amount of times Remus did this that the only response that he received was a single letter k.

What if you just poison Janus? Then you won’t have to suffer his wrath once you go home.

“Shut up, brain.”

Poison Janus and stuff Patton into a coffin!

“NO!”

Pretty sure if you sneak up on Virgil, you could get him to choke to death as well. Just need to figure out a way to get rid of Logan and Roman and you’ll be free.

“Stooooop” Remus covered his ears, as if that would block out

Janus said you were stupider than he thought, so why not show him how intelligent you can be by murdering all your friends and family and getting away with it?!?

Tears were filling Remus’ eyes as he desperately tried to clear his head. He accepted that these weren’t his thoughts, that they were just intrusive thoughts. He tried all the tricks he normally did that helped, but nothing was working. He even tried moving onto something else to distract him like eating left over pizza he found in the trash.

At least, until something opened the dumpster. In popped a beady-eyed creature in search of food. Remus growled at it, looking for a way to distract himself. Instead of being startled, the creature hissed back. The creature had spent the day running from human toddlers who wanted to do things the creature was uncertain of. It had spent the day dodging cars and animal control. It wasn’t about to let this weirdo stop it from enjoying tossed out hamburgers and pancakes. And if the weirdo was going to fight the creature, well, the creature wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

***

Logan tightened his hands around the steering wheel as he waited impatiently for the light to turn. Janus sat next to him in the front seat, fiddling with his phone, hoping that there wouldn’t be a second call with worse news. In the middle of the van sat Patton and Roman. They were trying to distract themselves by planning the fun activities they could do after everything settled down. In the very back of the van sat Virgil, who’s anxiety and nervous tappings of various limbs magnified the worry that was probably spilling from the van.

Janus wondered if he hadn’t been so mad at being woken up by a hurt and terrified Patton due to an accidental misfire of a prank, would they have gotten that call? What had happened anyway? If they were going to get any call about Remus, it should have been from the local grocery store, banning him for the third time this month (though they always welcomed him back in because he was amusing and took on rude and self-centered costumers so that employees didn’t have to).

“He’ll be alright.” Logan stated, cutting through the worry. “It is Remus we are talking about.”

“Save it, Specs.” Roman muttered. “Until we see how bad off he is, nothing you can say will make things better.”

“Did-did they say what happened, Janus?” Patton asked, softly.

“No, all the hospital said was that he was admitted with several injuries and that I was the first listed emergency contact in his phone.”

“Well, I suppose you would be as your name comes first alphabetically.” Logan mused.

“Of course Wine Mom would be all of our emergency contact.” Virgil commented sarcastically.

“Excuse you, but Logan is mine. I wouldn’t trust the rest of you misfits to actually do anything productive if anyone contacted you all.” Janus spat back, glad for the momentary distraction.

“Fair.”

“You got me there.”

“True, but why you gotta call us out like this?”

There was a small chuckle that passed through the van, but almost as if some invisible barrier ripped the sound from the van, the mood soured as they entered the hospital parking lot. It took Logan a few minutes to find a parking spot and that managed to ramp up the tension and apprehension among the group, terrified of what they would find.

“Pat, you sure you can face Remus right now? I think we’d all understand if you decided to just sit outside the door and wait to hear how he is.” Janus asked, softly.

“No, no, I get that it was an accident. We’ve all walked into one of the twins’ pranks by accident. Accidents happen and I also want to see that he’ll be OK.” Patton answered before admitting, “though, I will need everyone else to open the Crofters jar for at least a month in case there is another giant creepy crawly death dealer in one of them…”

So, with that, the group went into the hospital. Janus went and talked to a nurse who directed him to the room Remus was in. Upon hearing the room number, Janus instantly asked if he had asked to be placed there, which made the nurse laugh. So, with that, the group headed up to room 6969.

“POOPY!”

“Sounds like he’s alive at least.” Roman commented.

A nurse came out of the room, shaking her head. She looked over the group before peeking back into the room and telling the occupant that he had company. The group shared a worried look before filing into the room.

Remus sat in a hospital bed with scratches and gaze all over him. His arm was in a sling, his foot in a cast, and a couple sets of stitches were hidden behind gaze or the hospital gown he was wearing. Despite this, Remus was cackling and being his odd self, so the group let out a collective breath, relieved to see he was alright, for the most part.

“How are you feeling, Ree?” Roman asked, moving over to his twin.

“Mhhhh, like cotton candy sprayed with mist.”

“So, that’s what? Like a 3 on the Remus scale?” Virgil asked.

“I would guess a bit higher but also toned done by medication.” Logan answered. “He would not use a nice analogy like that unless he were sort of out of it.”

“What happened, Remus? Did someone try to mug you or something?” Janus asked.

“Yup, and the racoon won both the fight and my trash-pizza.”

The group froze, staring at the chaotic man before Patton finally asked. “You lost a fight to… a racoon?”

“Yuuuuuuuuup.”

“Remus,” Roman sighed. “You are such an idiot. Don’t do something like this again. You scared all of us to death.”

The hurt one instantly froze, his eyes shooting onto Patton, as he remembered the fact he really scared one of his friends. “Oh, shit. Patty, I’m so sorry for what happened earlier! It was an accident! I was trying to get RoRo BroBro, not you.”

Patton moved over and set a comforting hand on Remus’ unhurt arm. “It’s OK, I know it was. You don’t need to beat yourself up over it.”

“Remus, did you seriously lose a tooth to a racoon!?!”

***

The hospital released Remus a bit later, informing him (and more importantly Logan and Janus) about follow ups and care info. The group then dragged Remus to their van before picking up some (not trash) pizza and heading home. Patton tried to join in on pampering Remus, but their friends stopped him and basically forced the happy pappy Patton on the couch next to Remus, reminding him that he was also hurt and on the pampering list. So, instead Patton curled up and cuddled Remus while the other four went around prepping snacks, movies, games, and whatever else they could scrounge up to make sure the chaotic rat and pun-tastic father-figure were entertained.

Soon enough, Remus was surrounded by the group of people he considered his family (brother, what brother? Remus obviously doesn’t have a twin brother named Roman. That’s just his friend Wroammin). They weren’t going to let Remus live down the fact he lost a fight to a racoon, but how could he stop them making fun of it? It was hilarious and even more, they were checking on him every hour to make sure he was alright and comfortable, so they deserved a good laugh.

And if Remus’ brain tried to throw a couple intrusive thoughts at him, they didn’t stand a chance against the love surrounding Remus. Those weren’t his thoughts because his thoughts were focused on listening to Roman and Virgil argue about Disney meanings, cuddling Patton and waiting for Logan and Janus to return from the kitchen with drinks for everyone. How could disturbing thoughts harm him when he was feeling loved despite all of his failings?

“Remus, Thomas just texted me saying you were in their dumpster earlier. Did you really lose a fight with a racoon behind the Dennys?”

“Yuuuuuuuuuuuup.”

#Sage writes #sympathetic remus #sympathetic deceit #food mention #injury mention #hospital #tarantula #murder mention #cursing #sandersidesgiftexchange #sandersidesgiftexchange2020 #franthehorsegirl

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siumerghe · 4 years

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The Longest Day in Chang’an: the TV series vs the original book by Ma Boyong.

1. The main intrigue, it’s goal and the mastermind behind it are changed in the dorama. The book’s version is more logical and simple, while the changes in the adaptation mostly aim to surprise the viewers with unexpected turns, sometimes at the expense of logic.

2. Li Bi in the series is 100% whitewashed. Li Bi in the book is one of the protagonists, yes, - but he is absolutely not a good person, in contrast with Zhang Xiaojing. I love Li Bi in the adaptation! But I still prefer Li Bi from the book - because not often a guy with a very questionable morality gets to be a protagonist, and also because I find his storyline more interesting and well-rounded when it comes to character development. (Also he gets to finish the case himself, as opposed to the TV version!)

3. The screenwriters rewrote some characters completely (Yao Runeng, Wen Ran, Cen Shen). They expanded many characters’ storylines, enhanced motivations, added more drama - they did a great job with that. But I have mixed feelings about changes they introduced to female characters - why does EVERY woman in the show have to be in love, even when it’s absolutely unnecessary for the plot?!

4. The book ends on a downer note, especially considering the afterword where Ma Boyong reminds the reader of the sad things to come - the increasing pressure on the Crown Prince, the corruption, the decline of the state, the An Lushan rebellion (which could have been avoided if the book protagonists had failed their task).

In contrast, the TV series’ ending is more positive - to a point that it could even venture into an AU territory where the An Lushan rebellion never starts.

Spoilers below. Please don’t read if you haven’t finished the series or if you intend to read the book (which I highly recommend).

1. In the original book the masterminds and Longbo’s accomplices are He Zhizhang and his adoptive son He Dong. They wanted to kill Emperor Xuanzong and put the Crown Prince (who was unaware of their plans) on the throne, while making the Right Chancellor the scapegoat for the explosion. They saw where the situation in the Empire was going, and devised this plan to avoid the imminent catastrophe.

In the series Xu Bin just wanted to become a chancellor very badly, so he somehow calculated EVERYTHING - in hopes that the Emperor will reward him with this post. He was smart enough to predict even Zhang Xiaojing’s desperate determination and uncanny luck in stopping the explosion - yet he couldn’t guess that the Emperor won’t give this position to a relative nobody just for saving him, and will be very suspicious of Xu Bin (quite reasonably)? Also, like the Emperor, I also find it very hard to believe that Xu Bin is the real mastermind behind this plan.

Xu Bin was one of my favorite characters - until this final turn.

2. Li Bi in the book is very different from Li Bi in the series:

He is very self-centered and cold-hearted, doesn’t hesitate to lie and doesn’t care about people of Chang’an or about anyone at all, only about the Crown Prince (whom he is utterly devoted yet still doesn’t listen to).

He intentionally shocks He Zhizhang with the news of his friend’s death to get him out of the way of the investigation.

When He Zhizhang refuses to help him free Zhang Xiaojing, Li Bi poisons him and steals his token of authority (He Zhizhang falls into a coma and dies soon after the events of the book).

He approves of Zhang Xiaojing killing his agent but says that cutting off a finger was a stupid sentimentality: if he were in Zhang Xiaojing's shoes he would kill without remorse since the end justifies the means.

He arrests poet Cen Shen - in order to execute him as a scapegoat if the terrorists succeed.

He arrests Wen Ran who was just saved from the well only only because she is somehow related to Zhang Xiaojing. (In the book Wen Ran is an innocent girl, not Longbo’s accomplice.)

Even knowing that the Right Chancellor is not the one who organized the explosion, Li Bi almost orders the guards to kill him - because he wants the Right Chancellor out of the Crown Prince’s way. (Only the thought that killing the Right Chancellor may be too risky since the Emperor’s death hasn’t been proved yet stops him.)

He uses Yao Runeng (who in the book is a young and honest guard from a simple family) as bait to lure out the spy. As a result Yao Runeng is almost killed and left with broken spine - paralyzed for life.

He intends to find out and expose the truth - but only if the mastermind is not the Crown Prince.

In the end Zhang Xiaojing punches Li Bi in the face - for caring only for politics and for disregarding human lives.

In the book Li Bi finishes the investigation himself, together with Zhang Xiaojing. No sudden poets playing great detectives! Why was that even needed in the adaptation, why did He Zhizhang put Li Bi to sleep? To protect from what?! WTF?! Li Bi worked so hard - and then Cen Shen, who was a comic relief 90% of the screentime, stole his thunder!

The only explanation I see is that the Crown Prince was indeed the mastermind behind the plot. The Crown Prince, Longbo and Xu Bin are all connected through Lingwu: Longbo buried in Lingwu his comrades and lived there, the Crown Prince has a palace in Ligwu and implements there his tax policies invented by Xu Bin, also historically in 12 years in Ligwu the Crown Prince will declare himself emperor. He Zhizhang understood this so decided to get Li Bi out of the investigation in order to prevent him from finding out the truth and to protect him from the Crown Prince. But still - in this case putting Li Bi to sleep is equal to admitting to him that the Crown Prince is guilty...

May be, it’s a revenge for Li Bi poisoning He Zhizhang in the book? :D Idk, it’s a strange episode.

Also it’s a pity that in the series all the ship-tease between Li Bi and the Crown Prince was cut out. In the book these two are simply obsessed with each other. And Ma Boyong even called them “CP” (which is the Chinese slang for “couple” or “pairing”) in one of his posts. The book is absolutely not a BL, of course, but it’s difficult not to see the Crown Prince and Li Bi as a romantic couple.

3.What I like in the TV adaptation about the female characters in comparison to the book:

The amount of female characters in the series is increased (even Yuchang switched gender), and they all get more screentime and more character development. (Only the wife of the Crown Prince - Lady Wei - was cut out.)

Tanqi became the 3rd protagonist and is much better than in the book due to more screentime and the expanded storyline. I love Tanqi in the dorama, she is perfect! (Why isn’t she on the posters though? It’s so unfair! Is it a marketing thing - two guys sell better then two guys and a woman?)

Wen Ran is not a passive victim but an active player with her own agenda.

What I dislike:

Half of all the recurring female characters in the dorama are in love with Zhang Xiaojing! Why?! What’s this adolescent harem fantasy?! The trope when every woman falls in love with the protagonist is so outdated! Also in case of Wen Ran and Xu Hezi it does nothing for the plot.

Does Wen Ran have not enough motivation to do what she does in the dorama without being in love with Zhang Xiaojing?! He is already her father’s friend, basically the only living member of her family, and her savior. Are her romantic feelings for Zhang Xiaojing that necessary? It’s even creepy - because of their age difference, and because she is like a daughter to him.

Xu Hezi immediately falls in love with Zhang Xiaojing after he saves her brother despite seeing him for like 3 sec. Apparently, love is a form of gratitude. Again - is Xu Hezi’s gratitude not enough for her to save Zhang Xiaojing later? Does she HAVE to be in love to help the savior of her brother? Otherwise she wouldn’t have helped him or what?!

Ugh.

Another thing I hated is that almost all more or less notable female characters are in love, and often love is their main motivation. It’s like an essential purpose of a female character is to bring romance into the plot. And if there is no suitable love interest - oh, let’s just make her fall in love with the protagonist!

Tanqi - check. Actually, I enjoyed the blooming of their mutual romantic feelings with Zhang Xiaojing. It almost follows the book (although in the book Tanqi’s feelings are one-sided). I like that in the end Tanqi didn’t ride with Zhang Xiaojing into the sunset and chose her own path instead. As for their flirting - will it become smth serious in the future or not - who knows? (But I do ship them - they would make a great couple!)

Wen Ran - check. (In the book there is a hint at romance between her and Yao Runeng.)

Xu Hezi - check. (No romantic feelings in the book.)

Courtesan Li Xiang-xiang - check. Another victim of Zhang Xiaojing's irresistible charm. (Li Xiang-xiang doesn’t exist in the book.)

Wang Yunxiu - check. In the book she is only sympathetic to Yuan Zai, no romance. (Also in the book she is a good-natured although spoiled rich girl, not a designated hate-target, like in the TV series. And she saves Wen Ran. Thrice.)

Ding Tong’er - check. But she gets better.

Yang Taizhen - check.

Yuchang - check. Instead of a dangerous and independent male assassin of the book, in the dorama we got a dangerous female assassin who is yandere for Longbo.

The prostitute with ulcers on her face - finally! The ONLY more or less notable female character who is not in love!

4.The TV series’ ending is much more optimistic.

In the book the animosity between the Crown Prince and the Right Chancellor hasn’t reached the critical level - they are political rivals rather than enemies; the Emperor isn’t a paranoid tyrant who mistreats his son; he doesn’t plan to retire and to leave the country to the Right Chancellor.

In the end of the book the explosion impact was minimized, and the Emperor was saved. However, these events worsened the relationship between the Crown Prince and the Right Chancellor to a point of no return (especially since the Right Chancellor understood that he was the designated scapegoat for the explosion, and since Li Bi almost killed the Right Chancellor).

In the afterword Ma Boyong reminds the reader that in the next years the Crown Prince will suffer from the mistreatment by his father, the Right Chancellor will initiate intrigue after intrigue in an attempt to eliminate the Crown Prince, and will relentlessly pursue and kill his friends and supporters. The constant stress will damage the Crown Prince’s health. The Right Chancellor’s death will change nothing - he’ll be replaced by Yang Guozhong (Yang Taizhen’s cousin) who will also be corrupt, and hostile to the Crown Prince. The state will be weakened, and then the An Lushan rebellion will begin, so nothing good awaits the Tang Empire in the future.

As for the main characters:

Zhang Xiaojing is shaken because he had to kill Longbo and many others, and because of how many innocents had to suffer due to political ambitions. He despises Li Bi for his moral insensitivity and punches him in the face for caring only about politics instead of people.

Li Bi learns that everything he did during the course of the book for the sake of his beloved Crown Prince was in fact against the Crown Prince’s benefit. He is heartbroken and decides to withdraw from politics.

Tanqi is in love with Zhang Xiaojing, but it’s one-sided (although Li Bi proposes to free her and to marry her to Zhang Xiaojing, Zhang Xiaojing doesn’t seem to care).

Also Yao Runeng is left paralyzed for life, Yis “the Persian Prince” is crippled and won’t be able to walk (let alone to climb the walls), Xu Bin is killed by the spy. Yuan Zai switched sides in a perfect moment and saved Zhang Xiaojing who then saved the Emperor, so Yuan Zai will get a boost for his career. At least Wen Ran is alive and well.

The ending of the TV adaptation is much more positive:

The three main characters - Zhang Xiaojing, Li Bi and Tanqi - part on friendly terms.

The Crown Prince in the dorama is a more capable person than in the book. He even managed to build his power base in Lingwu (that’s where he’ll proclaim himself the emperor in 12 years). The Crown Prince understood that the Emperor is using him and the Right Chancellor to counterbalance each other, so it’s useless to fight the Right Chancellor - he’ll never be punished: the dorama makes it painfully clear by showing how the Emperor helps the Crown Prince to burn the evidences against the Right Chancellor by pushing them deeper into the fire.

Even if the Crown Prince somehow manages to push for the Right Chancellor demotion that would mean that the Crown Prince became too powerful - a threat for the paranoid Emperor who himself came to power after a series of coups and made his father a “Retired Emperor”.

So instead the Crown Prince chooses to prove his loyalty to the Emperor. Imo, he has two options: either this - or a coup to depose his father.

It seems the trust between the father and the son is somewhat restored. If the Emperor trusts the Crown Prince more and the Right Chancellor less, then the Crown Prince will be able to implement his tax reform, and the Tang Empire won’t be weakened by corrupt and all-powerful chancellors, so An Lushan won’t be able to rebel.

Plus Tanqi now can influence the Emperor through Yang Taizhen.

As for Yuan Zai, as opposed to the book, in the series he made Li Bi and Tanqi his enemies - meaning that now he is also the enemy of the Crown Prince and Yang Taizhen. Hopefully, he killed his career for good and won’t be able to become yet another corrupt chancellor, like in history.

#长安十二时辰 #ma boyong #the longest day in chang'an

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pascalls · 4 years

Photo

Deciding that he’s over their mutual depression, Charlie convinces Skinner to follow him for some time away from their worries where they allow themselves to forget, if only for one night.

-------------------------------

“Alright. I’m sick of you moping.”

It was a proclamation. And one that he often wanted to say to himself. Since things had been going south for both he and Skinner, both at the mercy of two men who didn’t seem to want anything but to use them, Charlie had spent quite a few days with Seymour in his office once the students had gone. Most of the time was spent downing a few flasks full of vodka, but that was a secret they kept between themselves. But enough was enough.

Nothing would change as long as both he and Skinner were just going to sit around, drowning their sorrows in cheap liquor and waxing poetic about the things they wanted but couldn’t have. Nah. Nope. Charlie had a bit more life to him than that - he liked to imagine, anyway - and with the other man severely lacking in any real drive to do much of anything anymore, it was up to the hybrid to take the lead and get them both back on their feet.

They didn’t have much in common, Charlie thought. Seymour was a self-proclaimed momma’s boy; a fairly straight-laced and somewhat boring heap of a man who had all but given up on trying to assert himself to anyone except school-aged children. He wouldn’t stand up to Chalmers, wouldn’t stand up to his mother, and wouldn’t take the reins to turn things around when he found himself at a loss. Charlie, on the other hand, was normally a spit-fire. He didn’t like to make a habit of pitying himself. He’d resolved to turn his own life around. Maybe once he’d been able to relate to the other man, but no more. No longer being human had one perk and it was to be different than he used to be.

“C’mon,” Charlie continued, reaching to snag Seymour by the sleeve and tug him out of that oversized office chair of his. Being annoying in his insistence. “We’re gonna go out and… do something. Go somewhere. Stop being all of… this.” He gestured to Skinner’s general… aura. To which Seymour frowned, unsure if he should be offended or not.

“But I’m supposed to pick up dinner for mother!” He began to protest, despite the fact that his feet were moving and he was indeed letting himself be pulled out of his chair by the masked hybrid who had yet to discard his disguise that he wore during the school day.

“She can Doordash it. It’s 2020. She’ll live.” Charlie was not sympathetic. And though Seymour sputtered a few weak attempts to persuade Charlie otherwise, none seemed to work. He eventually gave up in favor of following the other out and about, leaving the school building behind as they set forth to God knows where.

-------------

By the time they got to their destination, Skinner’s curiosity was almost driving him crazy. Not only was the anxiety about his mother’s waiting anger hovering in the back of his mind, but he had no clue where Charlie had dragged him out to. They seemed to be in the lowest, most downtrodden part of Springfield, the buildings largely abandoned and the streets all but empty, save for a few broken down cars here and there. Presumably with people sleeping inside them… The thought skeeved him out. A little.

“This is the last time I trust you to bring me anywhere,” he said with an agitated huff to Charlie who had abandoned his disguise several minutes before. In favor of the appearance that only a few were accustomed to. Seymour didn’t mind it. He’d seen Charlie several times at this point and the shock seemed to wear off after the second or third.

“Oh shut up,” Charlie replied, though he didn’t seem to be upset about the jab. In fact, there was a little bit of a pep in his step as he led them onwards, a few more blocks before he came to a stop in front of a set of doors with a heavy industrial lock on the front of it. A jubilant “we’re here!” accompanied the reveal, even though Skinner’s response was anything but impressed.

“Uh-huh. And where is here exactly?” He was skeptical, glancing up at the doors. How were they even supposed to get inside?

“Well. Not here YET. We gotta go around.” Charlie snagged Seymour by his sleeve again - a habit that almost annoyed Skinner, though he seemed to allow it, for now - and tugged him around to the side of the building, guiding him to a small stairwell that took them down to a much smaller door. At least this one didn’t seem to have a lock on it. But Seymour was beginning to think that he shouldn’t have followed Charlie at all. Still, he remained silent. If only to see what kind of horrible things awaited them on the other side.

Charlie gave a little knock on the door which popped open just a touch, a sudden deep thrum of bassy music beginning to eek through the opening. A soundproof door, Seymour thought. Huh. But the music was beginning to clue him in. And he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about it. Besides nervous. But he didn’t have much time to swish the idea around in his mouth before the hybrid was, again, tugging him right inside where the music grew louder and the light grew dimmer.

Down a hallway, Charlie led him, no longer clinging to his sleeve, but Seymour kept close all the same, not wanting to get left behind or lost. He was entirely out of his element. And all things considered, he was putting a lot of trust in this lizard man who seemed to be practically skipping with excitement.

One last corner was rounded and the bass was overwhelming. He’d done a lot of… interesting things in his life, but he couldn’t say that he’d ever stepped into a place like this before. Lights flicked back and forth with life and vigor while the music blared all around them. Other people crowded the large room that they’d stumbled into. It had to be at least a hundred, if he were to give it a cursory count. Not that he could. The lights made it almost impossible.

“Charlie…!” He called out to the hybrid who was in the process of handing a few dollar bills to a younger guy, trading the cash for little glowy trinkets that Charlie fashioned around his wrists and neck, holding out two for Skinner with a grin once he’d adorned his own. “What are we doing here?!” He did his best to be heard over the music, though he found himself having to close the distance between his impromptu companion and himself to do so.

“We’re here for FUN!” Charlie said, his emphasis placed firmly on the last word. “You and I - MOSTLY YOU - are not gonna let this bullshit stop us from living! And YOU need to loosen the hell up!” Adamant, he reached to snap a few of those bright, glowing bracelets around Seymour’s wrist. Skinner could only watch with a little bit of a frown. Entirely out of his element. But admittedly… It didn’t seem like anyone seemed to notice them come in. And if Charlie didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that his scales and tail were out in full view, maybe nobody would notice that Seymour was in there either. He had a professional reputation to uphold, after all. And he could only imagine what Chalmers might say…

“Come on!” The hybrid continued, taking Seymour’s hand in his own. Not his sleeve, this time, Skinner noticed. “Just for a bit. One dance. Don’t care how bad you are at it! Just give it a try!” Charlie offered the other a toothy grin, practically begging in all but his words. And Seymour, for all of his huff and bluster, found it increasingly hard to refuse.

Surely, there couldn’t be any harm in just one.

“...Oh fine,” he relented, allowing Charlie - pleased as fucking punch - to pull him out into the throng of people before he could add any insistence to not tell anyone about their little night out. But by the time he allowed himself to soak in the atmosphere, the distinct scent of fog machine and the muggy warmth that came with so many others crammed in the same space, he didn’t… seem to care much. Not when his dance partner seemed to be having the time of his life. Happier than Seymour had ever seen him, anyway. He always seemed so sarcastic and quick to offer nothing but dry wit whenever he dropped by to check on him in the nurse’s office. This was, admittedly, a very different side of the hybrid.

But not an unwelcome one.

As time ticked on, Seymour allowed himself to forget that there was such a thing as time at all. They carried on, both temporarily oblivious to anything but the music, the lights that illuminated the space around them, and each other. Charlie would have to convince himself later that he didn’t overtly enjoy seeing Skinner do something exciting for a change. His face started to hurt from grinning so damn much, somewhere around hour three. But he didn’t mind it. Especially not when they drew closer and shared more than just a few coy - and admittedly flirty - looks. Maybe it was something in the water. If Charlie could remember even drinking water at all.

At some point, Seymour thought he felt his phone give a few buzzes. If he did, they would be calls from his mother, no doubt. But even when his mind very nearly gave way to those familiar nerves, Charlie caught him by the waist, pulling him closer and into another flurry of movements that made those little buzzes from his phone seem like nothing but phantom memories.

He would stagger home close to sunrise that night. And his mother would yell. As she often did.

But this time he’d let it just fall from his shoulders -

Drowned amidst the lingering thrumming in his ears from the beat that they danced to.

#tj draws #tj writes #oc #simpsona #THERES A STORY IN THE READ MORE #PLS READ IT I HOPE U LIKE IT #this got a little gay I'm not sorry

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mcheang · 4 years

Text

Lila’s unlucky shadow

This content features a lot of Lila-bashing. Though I’m not sure if bashing=salt so I’m just gonna put bashing in the tags. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This idea came out of nowhere. It was just a thought that Plagg is the kwami of bad luck and it snowballed into this. I realize this may seem a tad OOC, but what’s fanfiction without indulgence.

Furious at Lila for Onii-Chan, (hey, she nearly caused Ladybug’s death), Adrien decides to avenge his lady. So Plagg is asked to give Lila bad luck.

The kwami is eager to be let loose. Adrien just warns Plagg not to go overboard or Lila will just soak in the pity and take advantage of his classmates. (And yeah, he doesn’t want to feel guilty for requesting Plagg’s help)

Being tiny and intangible has its advantages. So while Lila is paying attention in class, she doesn’t notice Plagg hiding behind her head. Because’s he’s intangible, he doesn’t even mess up her hair...at first. Basically this is how Plagg always curses Lila. He does this several times, even more than Adrien’s request should have caused, as you will soon see.

1. Lila is stuck with Chloe as a project partner for the duration of the class. True to form, Chloe refuses to work her share. And since Sabrina promises that Lila is supposedly a bright student and super friendly/tame, Lila can’t exactly stand up for herself. Everyone else is too busy to notice Lila. So she grits her teeth and completes the assignment, determined to get back at Chloe. However, when she reports on Chloe, everyone else gives her pity but don’t make a big fuss, they’ve all been bullied by Chloe and just share stories. Caline just asks Lila to be the bigger person.

2. Puberty has been kind to Lila. Not anymore. Pimples and body odour make themselves known. People don’t really want to be around Lila. Deodorant doesn’t seem effective and when Lila asks Adrien for advice, he says he can’t help her because his facials use cinnamon. (When Marinette made cinnamon rolls, Lila smacked it out of her hands and claimed to be deathly allergic hence her overreaction)

3. Bad hair day...or should I say days? Plagg also may or may not have thrown spit balls into the back of Lila’s head. Only they weren’t made of paper. Nope. Plagg is a cat and he coughs up hair balls. Yeah...these are easily combed out but they give Lila’s hair an oily texture and make the strands limp (remember Snape?) She thought there were dust bunnies.

Once Lady Noire detransforms, Marinette bribes Plagg with cheese treats from the bakery if he will haunt Lila. Plagg is just so happy people want him to cause chaos. Plagg promises this deal will remain between them, just like he promised Adrien.

1. Lila is haunted at night. Plagg only has to be there once but his power causes it so that whenever Lila is ready for bed, the lights always switch off, it sounds like there are claws on the windows, something scurrying on the floor, her closet door creaking, and why do her feet feel clammy? Lila is plagued with nightmares. She is too tired to even take advantage of her class’ sympathy.

2. While spending time with her Mother (something Lila cherishes), Lila accidentally trips on the stairs and twists her ankle. She is confined to the hospital. She has an incompetent nurse looking after her. So when her friends visit, Lila is too overdosed on anesthetic to take advantage of the situation. When Lila is released, the most logical solution would be to sit in front. But then Chloe would never move. And Lila does not want to be the new Sabrina. Adrien makes it clear he and Nino are a package deal, and Lila hates Marinette. So Lila insists walking will speed her recovery. When Adrien says Plagg was kinda harsh with the broken bone, Plagg rolls his eyes and says the girl exaggerated. Lila threw such a tantrum she got rushed to the hospital over a sprained ankle. Adrien’s response: oh...never mind, keep up the good work. Marinette already suspected Lila faked her injury because she herself had a broken ankle and Lila’s bandaged ankle in a boot should have been a cast.

3. The Césaire twins got gum in Lila’s hair and try to help by snipping it off. Lila can’t stop them in time because her hands are tied with cleaning the dishes. Lila has to go to a real hairdresser who says all her hair has to go. Lila ends up with a pixie cut, and she does not rock it.

When Marinette was nearly akumatized, Tikki asks Plagg for the same favour, bribing him with cheese danishes, guilt tripping him about Kwami Buster, and using the pity plot by confessing she was so scared inside the akuma purse. Plagg falls for it, and also because he doesn’t like Tikki glaring at him. He also doesn’t mention to Tikki that Adrien and Marinette also got him to do this because....well...CAMEMBERT. Yeah...Plagg goes on such a crazy cheese fest that it is a wonder how he hasn’t gained an ounce of fat or gathered Adrien’a notice, though Lila’s body odour has started to remind Adrien of the stinky cheese, not exactly but close enough. Perhaps Lila has developed a liking for blue cheese?

1. Lila’s experience as a model is painful. Not at first, though. She is given hair extensions and lots of makeup. Her appearance is airbrushed. But then Lila gets bad reviews for her first model shoot and Adrien’s fans target her with harsh emails. Adrien has to play nice so he tells her to ignore it, that’s what he usually does. Natalie isn’t sympathetic. “You want to be a model, you need to learn to accept that there will be people who hate you.” When her classmates suggest she filter her email, Lila starts getting hate mail and is bullied at home because Dupont is too protected. Mrs Rossi is concerned and decides to end Lila’s model career since her baby is so distressed. Adrien is thrilled and gives Plagg a gigantic round of Camembert. (Credit for inspiration goes to @coke-and-candy I believe there was a follow up fic about negative critics but I couldn’t find it)

2. Lila claims to have gotten backstage passes to Jagged’s concert. Alya is happy because Marinette got them the same passes for herself, Alya, Adrien and Nino. Lila fake smiles. On the day of the concert, Lila fakes an injury and begs Alya not to tell Jagged because she doesn’t want to worry him. Alya keeps her word but Lila nearly cracked a tooth when the newspapers published a photo of Jagged presenting Marinette as his new personal designer. No matter what lies Lila spins, celebrity or injury-related, people just keep raving about Marinette.

3. Plagg visits her wardrobe and wrecks everything. Lila is flabbergasted but the claw marks suggest a wild animal got in. She isn’t totally wrong. Plagg invited some animals to make a mess of the girl’s room. Lila doesn’t want the class to volunteer to clean up her room, on the off chance her Mother shows up. But she does mentioned how she donated her entire wardrobe to charity. Chloe overheard and decides to be nice in front of Adrien. She dumps designer rejects on Lila. Of course, Lila doesn’t know that. Marinette does tell Alya, but Adrien pretends to care for Chloe’s improvements and comments that Lila seems to like them anyway.

When Lila rifles through Adrien’s locker and throws away the Camembert, Plagg narrows his eyes. “Alright, Liar, no more games, this is WAR!” (I was having trouble imagining what could anger Plagg even further. Credit for inspiration to the fanfiction Camembert Ice Cream by @quicksilversquared )

1. Lila starts to lose her voice and her throat hurts.

2. When Lila tries to communicate by writing, her hands undergo a seizure so she can’t pick up a pencil.

3. For some reason, the only way to cure her throat is to eat a regular diet of healthy but utterly unappetizing food. Lila has to say goodbye to junk food and sodas. Her water now tastes bitter because of the health supplements dissolved in it. Even with her voice returned, Lila can’t talk too much or she will strain her voice. It’s a shame oral presentations are over or Lila could have really used that excuse.

Plagg is satisfied. He got vengeance for 2 heroes, Sugar Cube, and most importantly himself. All this chaos has been nice, but he’s exhausted. Time for a cat nap.

(Note: needless to say, Lila won’t be causing trouble for quite some time. Plagg’s curses have only strengthened each other because...well, like calls to like. By the time Plagg’s curses run out, Marinette and Adrien would be living happily ever after, Tikki would be content, and Plagg would be munching on Camem-...hey....WHO ATE MY CHEESE TART? PLAGG!!!!!)

#plagg fic #plagg appreciation #ladrien #ladynoir #adrienette #ml fic #ml fanfic #ml fanfiction #miraculous ladybug fanfic #miraculous ladybug fanfiction #miraculous ladybug fic #lila bashing #lila karma

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yaboylevi · 4 years

Note

The thing with Levi promise is that is not "kill the Beast titan" anymore, is kille Zeke Jaeger. Zeke is a character that have a lot of importance in the current story, a character that Isayama has portrayed in a sympathetic light many times and who himself like a lot. So would Isayama kill one of his favorite characters in such a pitiful way just to satisfy another character? I don't think so plus Zeke IS against Eren too.

That's exactly why I believe Zeke will be part (and maybe even essential to) the plan concocted to stop Eren. He can access Paths again if he wants to. The quantity and quality of focus Zeke received as a character is exponentially denser than those dedicated to side characters like Floch, Louise (was she even a character tho?) or even Connie.

I really doubt Zeke will end up killed by Levi, even just based on the narrative. There has been a lot of focus on how revenge is not the answer (I want to also point out that the difference between revenge and "giving meaning to the dead's sacrifices" has already been illustrated in the series and it's probably a very important lesson the story has to offer). Isayama would be killing two characters in one turn if he made Levi kill Zeke.

Furthermore, Zeke's very sensitive buttons, like those of many other characters, have been pushed by Eren. I believe that, narratively, this means there is room for redemption for Zeke, or at least for change, and why not, even growth. Grisha's plea to Zeke is also something that will have to be addressed again, and a possible alliance with the newly born Kyojinvengers seems a good enough way to resolve this point, if played well. I really want to see Zeke interact with everyone again, I miss his goofy, sad smiles, and his sass.

(The only direct and explicit "I love you" in the series, sob)

Besides, while Isayama put very little effort into Floch as a villain to whom you could relate, or whom you could understand and feel bad for, the dedication to Zeke's past, and feelings, has been on another level, to the point that you can't look at Zeke and scream "Evil!!" anymore. This word is reserved for characters like Floch, Gross, the First King, and Zackley...Zeke has been out of that box for so long, that letting him be killed by Levi would be objectively weird, imo. Isayama would have to let Eren kill Reiner, but everyone can tell this won't happen. I don't exactly think Isayama has a preference for Zeke, or that he is his favorite only because he made him sympathetic - it's not something exclusive to Zeke, after all. I think Zeke is simply someone who is needed for the plot and the final message of the story as a whole.

Levi will also have to set his priorities straight - I have talked many times about the kind of growth he needs. Personally, I feel he still dehumanizes Zeke. I don't know he sees him as "Zeke Yeager" hence Eren's half-brother and a Warrior (i.e. a broken kid that was used and abused by Marley...and many different factions), which are the other two roles he has in the story. For Levi, Zeke is still just the Beast Titan, an enemy he needs to take down for the sake of the dead... even though it would literally have zero effects on the dead - that's why it's an obsession drenched in anger and pain, and not a heroic mission/goal with a needed, hopeful outcome anymore.

As for now, I have more hopes for Zeke's story than for Levi's, but I'm pretty sure in Levi's accomplishments there won't be written: "killed the beast".

#im so ready for zeke to come back!!#zeke yeager #shingeki asks #snk spoilers #snk 126 #zeke asks #Levi ackerman #Levi asks #Anonymous

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soft---darkness · 4 years

Text

Alone With The Dark- Bim Trimmer

Oof. I'm going to be honest with you guys, this ones rough. Its not the best thing I've ever made, but it was nice to write. I treated it a little bit like a vent and then twisted it into a sad story. Sorry about that lol. But I do think you guys will enjoy it! read the trigger warnings though!!

And again- this series is not going to be in any specific chronological order nor should you assume that future or past parts are related to each other. This is just me having some fun with the idea of Dark being the good guy

Trigger warnings- major character death, depressed thoughts, apathy/numbness, talk about death (stay safe my friends :) )

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Bim collapsed onto his bed with a shaky gasp, his nearly transparent body wavering for a moment when it touched the solid surface. His room was barely lit but it didn't make a difference to him- his vision was blurry anyway. He whimpered slightly as he curled in on himself, shivering violently. He felt a deep and chilling cold in his bones, but he didn't bother getting under the covers. He knew it wouldn't help, the cold he was feeling didn't come from the weather or from an open window. It was the chill of death and Bim knew that it was unavoidable.

He knew what was happening and what was going to happen. He had been aware of what was going to come from the first moment he had been able to see through his fingertips. A week ago, he had been eating a late lunch when he went to grab his glass of water and realized that the very tips of his fingers were slightly transparent. Horror had caused him to drop the glass and stand up, stomach rolling in fear. He had run out of the room and thrown himself over the toilet, retching violently. A terrifying thought had rushed to his brain as he trembled in the bathroom. He, Bim Trimmer, was fading away after just a month of existence.

He had known it was a possibility from the beginning, but that didn't make it any easier. Their creator, Markiplier, had a habit of introducing a new ego and then never making another video about them again. The fans would be excited by the premiere at first and they would make fan art and stories about the new ego...but eventually the hype died down and the figment would fall into the background.

This wasn't an issue for most figments and they would stay popular enough to survive until their next appearance, but it seemed that Bim wasn't one of the lucky ones. He hadn't been quite as popular as most when he had first appeared and the excitement of his character had faded quickly amongst the fan base. He had also been introduced just before Google, who had generated much more excitement with the fans. So of course, it was to be expected that Bim would fade quicker than most. He just wasn't expecting it so soon…

The others hadn't been surprised either. A lot of egos didn't make it through their first year, so everyone tried to not get too attached to new arrivals. And while seeing semi-transparent egos fade around them was a sad sight, those that did make it got used to it quickly. It was expected that no one really mention or talk about fading, as if not addressing it would help keep the unlucky alive. Bim as starting to think that it was just everyone's way of dealing with the guilt. Because he knew that the others were secretly relieved that it was him fading and not them.

But there was no point in being upset or angry at anyone now. He’d be gone soon anyway.

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Bim wasn't sure how much time had passed when he heard a soft knock at his door. It had to have been hours since he had curled up on his bed in a pathetic heap. A quick glance out the window told Bim that it was nighttime now, but how late it was he wasn't sure. But whatever time it was, there was no reason for anyone to be at his door. Everyone knew what was happening to him right now, and they had all individually decided to ignore him. It was just easier that way, to pretend like he didn't exist. He wouldn't tomorrow anyway.

Bim waited for the person or other ego to go away. He didn't feel like talking and he couldn't stand the thought of seeing someone's pity-filled face right now. Some of the egos that did care that he was fading always wore the same piteous face around him. Dr. Iplier and Silver were the most guilty of it. They had talked down to Bim during the few weeks of his fading as if he was a kicked puppy or sad child. But he wasn't a child. He was a grown and dying adult that didn't want their pity.

So Bim ignored the knock. In fact, he barely shifted from his balled position, sans the constant tremors that were running through his wavering body. He stayed still and listened for the expected sound of retreating footsteps to disappear down the hallway. However, the ego at the door ignored his obvious wishes to be left alone. Bim scowled when he heard the door being pushed open without his permission. He lifted his head shakily, fully prepared to tell this person off, trembly voice and all. However, he paused when he saw who had entered his dim room.

He sat quietly and somewhat dumb-founded when Dark slid into his room and shut the door behind him gently. This was the last person he had expected to make an appearance. But there he was, standing by the closed door with a more casual dressing than Bim had ever seen him in before. He wasn't wearing his normal suit jacket and had even ditched his tie, settling instead to unbutton the collar of his dress shirt. Bim glanced down near Dark’s hands and noted that the entity had his cane with him, which was rare for the other egos to see.

Bim made note of these strange occurrences quickly and then glanced back up at Dark’s face, trying to seek out what the demon’s intentions were. He searched the entity’s eyes for the normal pitying look the others wore, but he didn't find it. Nor did he find any malice or look of aggression. So Bim settled back down again, deciding that he was not in any danger from this interaction. Dark could do as he wished. Bim was tired. But Dark didn't leave him be. Instead, the other ego cleared his throat and came a little closer to the bed, hoping to gain back Bim’s attention. The demon waited until Bim looked back up at him before he spoke, standing in a patient manner until the show host shifted slightly and glanced at him. He recognized Bim’s slow movements and the pained look on his face and frowned in response, but did not comment on it. Instead he made a small gesture to the bed with his free hand. “May I?” He asked softly, head tilted at a slight angle as he talked.

Bim raised a confused eyebrow, though he wasn't sure if Dark could see it due to his transparent nature. He wasn't completely sure what was being asked of him at the moment, but he supposed nothing terrible would come if he accepted the vague request. “Suuuure?” He answered the question with his own questioning tone, though his voice came out scratchy and rough sounding. It caused the show host to cringe slightly, but he tried to ignore it. He shifted slightly to the side, allowing room for the entity to sit. To his surprise, Dark instead slowly shifted on to the bed and laid down, propped up somewhat by the backboard. Bim slowly scotted up as well, mimicking Dark’s pose and staring straight ahead.

He sighed softly to himself as he awaited the normal cliche questions. He hadn't gotten to know Dark much in the month he had been here, but with the time he had spent with the demon he sure hadn’t pegged him as the therapist type. Bim didn't care much though. Perhaps it would feel nice to talk about how he felt about all of this anyway… He hadn't been able to talk it out with anyone else due to the taboo of the subject and Bim decided that maybe venting would be nice.

But the questions never came and the two sat in silence for longer than Bim could say. Eventually he glanced at the quiet entity apprehensively and studied the mans face. He looked to be deep in thought but peaceful, an odd crease in his eyebrows and a soft frown on his face. Bim hated to break the silence and peace, but the urge to talk to someone had gotten stronger. He wasn't used to the feeling of loneliness, but now that there was another person near him he felt the pain of it. It was cold and hard in his heart and his stomach and almost worse than the feeling of death that was slowly engulfing him.

So he cleared his throat roughly to try and gain the other’s attention, the noise worse than before in its hoarseness. He grimaced at the ragged sound, but continued anyway. “Aren't you going to ask me if I'm okay?” The question was voiced with more malice than Bim had intended, and he flushed with slight embarrassment. He kept his gaze forward, refusing to look at the other ego in the room even when he felt the demon’s eyes on him.

Dark pondered the question for a moment but then shook his head, well aware that Bim couldn't see it. “No. I already know the answer.” His tone was not sympathetic, nor filled with pity, but it held an element of gentleness that came only from a personal kind of understanding. Dark knew that Bim was not okay. He knew exactly what Bim was going through right now and that he was probably everything except okay.

The demon was content to let the conversation end there, but then he reconsidered. He spoke up again, this time asking a question of his own. “Would you like me to ask you if you are okay?” He glanced at the show host, a questioning eyebrow raised.

His tone didn't hold judgement though, and Bim decided that it was a legitimate question. So he nodded shakily, not answering verbally. He didn't want to hear his own broken voice in comparison to Dark’s smooth tone. He still refused to look at the demon, instead staring a hole through the wall straight ahead. If he still had a solid body than he would have been bright red in embarrassment. He felt silly asking for this, but it helped beat down the terrible lonesome feeling in his chest. And Dark didn't seem to be judging him. He had offered to ask, and he had come here on his own volition, hadn't he? The logical thoughts calmed Bim a little bit, and he attempted to shake off the lingering apprehension he felt.

Dark nodded after a brief moment and looked back at Bim, this time smiling slightly as the other met his eyes. “Alright. Are you okay?” He spoke naturally and somewhat lightly, treating this situation as if he was simply talking to a friend. It was a bit strange to speak so casually, especially considering the situation, but Dark assumed Bim didn't want to be talked down too.

Bim took a moment to respond, truly thinking about the question. He turned away from Dark again as his eyebrows curled in thought. He realized then that he had been trying to push down his feelings about dying and wasn't even sure how he felt. Perhaps the other egos might not be the only ones guilty of ignoring the topic of fading...

After a moment he let out a ragged sound, somewhere between a sob and a sigh, and stuttered through an unsure answer. “I don't really...know. I feel like I should feel something, but I just don't. I'm not angry or sad or even really scared.” It didn't feel like he was dying. The pain was there, but he felt...disconnected from it. Like he was watching a stranger die. It was then he looked back at Dark, his eyes expressing the turmoil he felt. He spoke again, voice much quieter and somewhat childlike. “Should I be scared?”

Dark was silent for a moment this time. He didn't know how to answer this kind of question. Emotions aren't exactly his strong suit, but he felt a pang of sympathy for Bim and felt as if he needed to find an answer someway or another. “No, I don't think so. It won't change anything. But I do think you have a right to be.” He thought for a moment before continuing, debating whether or not to disclose some private information about himself for the sake of comforting another. He decided quickly and continued, though he spoke in a more guarded manner this time. “I wasn't.”

Bim blinked in surprise at that, his eyes widening a bit. “You've faded before? How are you here?” He felt somewhat bad for asking about what must be sensitive information, but he couldn't help himself.

Luckily for him though, Dark seemed to be willing to talk about it. “Yes, i've faded before. Three times actually. Sometimes those that fade can come back, but only if the fans take interest again. It's very rare.” The demon put emphasis on the last part, not wanting to give the other false hope about his situation. The chances of him coming back were 10,000 to 1.

Bim just nodded, thinking over the information quietly to himself. He hadn't heard the others mention this, so he assumed that they didn't know. He frowned at this idea and glanced at the entity, an odd look on his face as he questioned him softly. “How come the others don’t know about this?”

He was afraid he had pushed too far when Dark made a soft noise in his throat. It was some kind of a grunt or a growl, and though it didn't sound too threatening Bim couldn't be sure. But Dark did not lash out or get up to leave, just layed on the bed and shook his head slowly. “I was alone everytime it happened.” He didn't elaborate any further, and Bim wanted to ask whether this was by his own choice, or if the others had treated Dark similar to himself. He didn't push it though, too scared that Dark would get angry and leave him alone.

He did have to ask one last question though, the one question he had had since Dark had walked in the room. “Why are you here? With me?” He made eye contact with the other ego, trying to understand what would motivate the demon to be here for him when none of the others would.

Dark huffed a bitter sounding laugh, holding Bim gaze with a pained one of his own. “No one should have to die alone. Not you. Not anybody.”

---------------------------------------

The two egos had lapsed into silence after that, content to simply lay together in a sort of vulnerable quiet. Eventually, Dark saw Bim’s shaking form start to flicker. Every time his form would blink back it would be weaker and the show host would look more transparent.

But eventually he didn't flicker back at all.

And Dark understood that he was alone once more.

#Darkiplier #Bim Trimmer #my writing #alone with the dark

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symptomofconvalescence · 4 years

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Ben and Rey: Wounds, Growth and Healing

I want to talk about the kinds of growth that Kylo and Rey have both experienced over the course of this trilogy and the kind of growth that will need to take place in them if they are both to reach their true potential. I also want to talk about how and why their wounds and so healing differ from each other and how and why they are also complementary. First, the obvious. Rey and Kylo Ren are both damaged and, though I think it’s fair to say that his damage goes much deeper than hers and that his path forward will necessarily, because of his moral choices, be much harder and longer, it is this equality of damage that makes their story so fascinating. Not incidentally, it is what makes their story of healing also a love story. It is the very fact that it is not a story of one-sided growth or change that also gives it the mark of all great love stories. They affect each other equally and profoundly and they both inspire growth in the other.

While they are both damaged, it is easier- at least for me, though I have seen this recurring fairly frequently with others too- to feel a particular swelling of compassion for Ben that is not quite as strong for Rey. I don’t mean that everyone who is interested in this story will love him more- that is a matter of personal preference- but just that narratively it is perhaps easier to pity him than it is her. I believe that this is for two reasons: one is, as I have said, because his damage is necessarily deeper than Rey’s; the second is because Rey is frequently positioned in this story as more surrounded by love and support than he is. She has a larger support system than he does, plain and simple. The fact that his lack of support is the result of his own choices does not have to lessen our sympathy for him, though with many it does. Unable and unwilling to make the choice he needed to make to be happy, the end of The Last Jedi finds Kylo on his knees, alone, bereft of love and warmth and light, and it finds Rey, sad and hurting, sure, but also surrounded by friends and love and comfort. Although I can only speak with certainty for myself, I don’t believe that I am alone in that my heart is instinctively more protective of Ben than Rey because he is so obviously suffering more or, at the very least, more openly suffering than she is.

This is not a tangent to emphasize why I feel more for Kylo Ren than I do for Rey- I do and he is certainly my favorite- nor is it just to emphasize that I relate to him more, worry about him more, and in the end probably love him more. This is an important distinction to make. Because it is this fact of open, evident vulnerability on his part vs. secret, closed, barely admitted suffering and trauma on hers that together form the heart of their dynamic and is the key to the potential for healing that they both can inspire in each other. Rey has sympathy for Kylo because she has a big heart, but also because she understands and relates to his brokenness on a fundamental level. @kylo-babe-too has pointed out before that Rey has adopted the role of Rescuer as a way of dealing with her own childhood wounds. And while it is true that her Rescuer mentality is one she has to grow past, it is through recognizing that she isn’t the only one who is broken that her true healing begins. Kylo can and does give her that. He is so openly flawed and damaged- he cannot hide it from anyone for any amount of time- he is one open, obvious, gaping wound of pain and thwarted love that Rey, looking at him, is given the relief of seeing the pain of her heart, her abandonment, her anger, her secret, explosive rage, embodied in another person. She wants to help him because she is generous and sympathetic, but she also wants to help him because in his pain and in his lashing out against the pain he is her. This, to me, is the real key to her draw to him and I also believe that it is a part of herself that neither she, nor those who surround her on the Millennium Falcon at the end of The Last Jedi, can fully understand or even admit. And I think, in some strange way, that seeing him in his full, open brokenness is helpful for her if only because it starts to push her to a deeper acceptance of her own wounds- the scars of which are harder to see for others because she is so beautiful, so good, so charismatic and because she draws people into the circle of her charm so easily, and harder for her to see herself because it was by ignoring those scars and pretending they weren’t there- “they’ll come back, one day, you’ll see”- that she survived at all.

Kylo is one of the few (possibly the only?) character who can actually see Rey’s wounds. This is because he made it inside her head. “You were so lonely, so afraid to leave, at night desperate to sleep...” He understands right away that she has deep scars, many that look like his, and almost immediately he has sympathy for her. The way he delivers the above lines is a huge first clue but it is also explicitly spelled out in the novelization when Snoke says “you have compassion for her”. But while compassion is a huge part of his draw to her and identification of himself with her it is not necessarily the most powerful or fascinating part of that attraction. That, I believe, is the awe and wonder he feels for what she has done and made of herself in spite of her wounds. When he looks at Rey, he sees someone whose trauma and heartbreak has made her strong. She has pulled the broken pieces of her heart and her life into a coherent whole. And she has not let it harden or break her. She is compassionate, she is adventurous, she is kind, she is internally strong. I believe that Rey still has wounds that need admitting, addressing, and healing- all the more so because they are harder to see- but her life is not the shattering mess his is. She does not project that pain outward, wrecking lives and hearts in an effort to reconstruct her world. She has chosen saving and protecting others as recompense for her own abandonment where he has chosen destruction. It is so good for Kylo to see that, and her strength in the face of her pain is one of the reasons that, when his legacy lightsaber answers her call instead of his and in doing so he can see that the Force is as strong with her as it is with him- and in this case perhaps stronger-, at the moment when he recognizes her absolute, unquestionable power she possesses despite her abandonment and her parents’ betrayal- he falls in love with her. She represents what he never was but she gives him hope for what he could be. He represents the path she rejected but which she still needs to accept as what was once, and still might be, a very real possibility for her.

Rey is someone who fell back on morality because of her abandonment; Kylo is someone who rejected it because of a (similar) (believed) abandonment. This is why they need each other, and why on their own they only have one piece of their healing. Rey’s morality is not whole or perfect because it was, and still is to an extent, a coping mechanism, and while this is a far healthier coping mechanism than his, morality is not meant to be a coping mechanism. If her goodness, compassion, and protectiveness are going to be a permanent part of her, and not just a reflex to ward off her own hurt, she has to grow by accepting her own wounds. She needs to accept her internal brokenness and Kylo can help her do that, sometimes consciously, - “you’ll never stop needing [your parents] it’s your greatest weakness”- and at other times simply by being who he is- an open and living cauldron of pain and hurt. Kylo’s destructive manner of dealing with pain is obviously harmful and unhealthy for himself and for the galaxy as a whole and he can, and has maybe started already?, to learn to keep some of that pain and rage if not out of his heart at least out of his actions. He can learn from her different, healthier ways of channeling his wounds; he can learn that being broken does not mean he cannot also act in a way which would suggest that he is whole, that his brokenness does not have bleed over and spill out into everything he touches, that it can be patched up and stilled and maybe one day healed and during that process of healing the damage it spreads can be mitigated. And it is in this way that they can and I do believe will help each other heal.

His openness about his brokenness, his inner, aching vulnerability will help her to see and then address wounds so far she has run from, denied, or ignored, and because he will be there to help her do it, because she won’t be alone as she rips off the bandage to find what is festering beneath, she will find the strength to accept and heal even the most secret parts of herself. And her strength will help him see that he can lift himself out of the damaging effects of pain run wild, that he doesn’t have to drown in bitterness forever, that next to her and with her he too can be whole, or close enough to it, that he can be happy again, loving and loved in return. And it is that love, in its proper context and space, with healthy boundaries, fixed in a living morality, that will heal both of them most fully.

#reylo #i wrote this and saved it to my drafts ages ago

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bakedpieceofchicken · 4 years

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YES THIS IS @inexchangeforyoursoul‘S FAULT AND YES THEIR ART IS AMAZING WHY DONT YOU GO CHECK IT OUT ALREADY AND (EVEN THO THE POST I LINKED HAS IT) IM ALSO GOING TO LINK THE AMAZING FIC SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR IT!!!

Word Count: 3,173

Summary: Sako becomes unexpectedly acquainted with his colleague’s son.

notes: i have never written mr. compress in detail before this, just a warning. oh well, let’s see :^)

There was a knock on the door.

Keigo’s wings perked up in response to the unexpected noise. The little winged boy, distracted from the TV show he had been watching, stood up on the couch with both feet (dad would definitely yell at him if he weren’t asleep right now). He looked at the door--and then looked at the littered floor space between the couch and the door.

Keigo launched himself off the couch, using his wings to guide him above the floor to the door in only one magnificent leap. Alright, maybe it could be considered cheating that he was using his quirk. Nobody was keeping count, though.

Giddy that he made it (he knew he would but it still made him happy knowing he achieved such an impressive feat), he opened the door slightly and peaked his head out (just like how dad taught him)...

...to a stranger he didn’t recognize. Disappointment hit Keigo like a truck.

“You’re not mom,” Keigo told the man, frowning.

Sako blinked at Keigo, slightly startled at the sight of the child. Takami never mentioned having a son and Sako certainly never suspected the man of having one.

The boy didn’t look like his father too much but there were still some distinct similarities that made it undoubtedly clear that they were related by blood.

“I’m afraid not,” Sako said with a deeply sympathetic tone, taking off his hat and slightly bowing politely to the boy. “My name is Sako Atsuhiro. I’m a colleague of your father’s and I came to discuss work-related business with him. Is he around?”

“He’s sleeping right now,” Keigo said. “He doesn’t like being woken up.”

“...Should I come another time, then?” Sako asked. “What time would be appropriate?”

Keigo shrugged. “Sometimes he’ll be asleep for an hour and sometimes he’ll be asleep for ten.”

That did sound like the sleeping schedule of the erratic man Sako was horribly familiar with. “Ah.”

“You can come in though,” Keigo said. “If you want.” He opened the door wider this time, allowing Sako to see the absolute massive mess that was their apartment.

Used food cartons unceremoniously thrown around on the ground, empty bottles of alcohol all over the place--was that broken glass on the floor in the middle of the living room?

It was even worse than what Sako had imagined Takami’s living space would look like. He had a child living with him, for goodness sake.

“Don’t step on that spot.” Keigo pointed to the area with the broken glass. “Dad says the pieces are sharp and you could cut your feet there.”

Well, the pieces wouldn’t because Sako was still wearing his thick-soled shoes. He appreciated the kind sentiment of the child, though. It was terribly endearing and so... different from his father.

“Thank you for the warning, my boy.” Sako ruffled the child’s hair. “Do you have a name that I could call you by?”

“Takami Keigo,” Keigo answered, floating himself above the ground to the couch. The couch was nice; it was his safe spot away from the rest of the apartment. “You’re the first person I’ve met who wants to visit dad. The only other person who ever visited was mom.”

Not surprising. Sako wouldn’t consider Takami to be a very sociable man. “Where is that mother of yours?”

“I don’t know,” Keigo answered in a genuinely naive tone. “She left and then never came back.”

Sako winced at the brutal honesty. The situation had become quite clear to him, now. Sako sighed, taking another glance around the apartment filled with trash. Oh, Takami... what a failure of a father you appeared to be. This just won’t do, will it?

“Do you want to see a little trick I can do?” Sako asked the child with a wink. Keigo’s eyes lit up with interest and Sako felt pride swell in his chest for having made some form of light return in the boy’s eyes.

“What kind of trick?”

“Well, if I told you now, it’d be spoiling the show, wouldn’t I?” Sako shouted, raising his arms in a grand gesture. He plucked the remote from the couch and turned off the TV. “Are you ready to watch the show?”

Keigo brightly smiled in anticipation. “Yeah!” He said, having appeared to be more excited than ever. He bounced in his seat on the couch, eyes locked onto Sako, and Sako was oddly sentimental about the fact that he was performing for someone else again.

“Let the show begin!”

“Hi, Sako-san,” Keigo politely greeted, opening the door at the sight of the man. “Dad’s not here at the moment.”

“That’s fine,” Sako said. “Do you mind if I...?”

“No!” Keigo gestured for Sako, “Come in!”

Sako stepped into the apartment, examining it once again for any changes since his last visit. Keigo ran to his spot on the couch again, looking at him expectantly.

“Are you going to do another trick?” Keigo asked. “I wanna see!”

Oh, the crushing guilt Sako felt at that moment. Of course, the boy wanted to see him perform again. He was so enraptured the last time Sako saw him--and he kept asking about how Sako pulled his tricks off. Sako replied to all those questions with the same answer: A magician never reveals his secrets!

Which made the boy quite irritated, but Sako was not a lenient man when it came to the art of his practice.

“Your father should be home soon,” Sako said after glancing at his watch to keep track of the time. “There wouldn’t be enough time, I’m afraid.”

Keigo’s face scrunched up and those wings of his drooped in disappointment. If his goal was to guilt-trip Sako even further, than he’s certainly achieved that in no less than five seconds. How keen of him to manipulate Sako’s emotions like that, intentional or unintentional.

“Well, maybe I have time for one trick...”

It was rather amazing how a child’s mood can fluctuate wildly within such a small span of time. Keigo’s wings perked up immediately and the child’s eyes lit brightly in comparison to the dullness that once occupied them. He didn’t smile, but he was visibly cheered up at the prospect.

“Watch closely,” Sako ordered the boy. He pulled out a small piece of paper and a black pen from his coat pocket. He drew a little bird and showed Keigo his drawing. It was a silly little doodle, nothing too amazing. That wasn’t the point of the trick.

He took one of the empty bottles from the floor, rolled up the piece of paper and inserted it into the bottle. Keigo watched him, observant eyes focused on the movements of his hands.

Sako then placed the bottle on the living room table in plain sight where Keigo could see it. His gloved hands blocked Keigo's view of the bottle and the bottle magically disappeared in between his hands that moved apart from each other.

“You turned the bottle into a marble,” Keigo complained. “That’s the most obvious trick you could’ve pulled off!”

“Oh?” Sako grinned deviously. “Why don’t you check what’s under your seat, then?”

Keigo blinked before hesitantly standing up from the couch and lifting the couch cushion to reveal an empty coffee can.

“Look inside,” Sako said and the man could see the realization visibly dawning upon the boy. It was quite amusing, he had to admit.

Keigo, already having a good idea of what was going to happen, shook the can and out came the rolled up piece of paper. He unfolded it and his face displayed visible shock at the drawn bird.

“No way!” Keigo shouted, jumping. He showed the drawing to Sako with a look of disbelief. “There’s no way! How did you do that?”

Sako only smirked smugly in response, causing the winged boy to huff in annoyance at the lack of verbal response. “One of these days, I’m going to figure it out! I bet you have a second, secret quirk!”

“That’s quite the theory,” Sako said. “Unfortunately, it’s not true. Ask your father if you really don’t believe me.”

“I bet dad doesn’t even know!” Keigo added. “You can’t keep it a secret from us forever!”

The door opened, revealing Takami (who was fashionably late by ten minutes). He blinked at the sight of Sako and his rather riled-up son together.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Takami was sleeping soundly on the armchair, snoring loudly and reeking of alcohol.

Sako had decided (against Keigo’s warnings) to try to wake the man, but the man was a heavy sleeper. He decided to give up after five minutes of trying to wake him up to no avail.

“You’re lucky,” Keigo told him. “He gets really mad if you actually do wake him up.”

“That’s how that happened.” Keigo pointed to the area with broken glass, which still had not been cleaned up. It had been weeks now.

“My, oh my,” Sako shook his head in disapproval. He took one of the plastic bags lying on the floor and started to pick up the individual pieces of the broken bottle with his gloved hands. “Do you happen to have a broom in the vicinity?”

“No,” Keigo said. “Sorry.”

It’s not your place to apologize, Sako thought sourly. He felt pity for the boy, if he had to be honest. This apartment was definitely not in suitable living condition for any children.

“Is... is there any way I can help?” Keigo asked. He bent down besides Sako and tried to pick up one of the pieces with his bare hands--

Sako grabbed him by the wrist. “Don’t,” he hissed to the boy. “You’ll cut yourself.”

“It’d be faster if I helped,” Keigo said. “I’ll be super careful, I promise!”

“No,” Sako smoothly said. “This isn’t a job for children. Why don’t you go back to watching television?”

“I’m not a kid,” Keigo argued. “Okay, I’m five. But dad says I’m really mature for my age! So I can do grown-up things too!”

“Go.” Sako swatted Keigo away. “This is non-negotiable.”

Keigo pouted and watched the TV with a disgruntled look on his face. After Sako was finished cleaning up the glass, he began to pick up the other trash that resided in the apartment. Keigo watched him with observant eyes and Sako sighed dramatically.

“Yes, you may help if you wish.”

That got Keigo scattering to pick up as many cans and bottles as fast as he could, almost as if he was playing a game with himself. The child was so fast that he was cleaning up at an even faster rate than the leisurely slow pace Sako had set for himself.

“Too slow!” Keigo taunted Sako with a grin. “Looks like I win!”

There was never any game that had been decided in the first place. Sako wasn’t one to ruin a child’s moment of victory, however. Meanwhile, Takami slept peacefully in his chair, oblivious to the world and his son who noticeably deserved a much better father.

Sako was a man of many talents, and cooking just happened to be one of them.

Takami was nowhere to be seen (not unusual), but Sako found that he didn’t mind. His son was a much better companion, anyways.

The child seemed to be in quite a lot of awe at his slice and dice technique. It wasn’t magic; no, not in the slightest. Keigo was impressed nonetheless.

“All the pieces came out evenly!” Keigo noted. “Can I try?”

“No,” Sako said without skipping a beat. Keigo had been trying to use his wings to elevate himself to where he could reach the knife that he left on the cutting board on the counter top, so he used a hand to force the child back down to the floor.

“No fair,” Keigo whined. “I never get to do any of the grown-up stuff.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Sako scolded Keigo. “Trust me when I say that doing ‘grown-up’ things isn’t as sensational as one would make it out to be.”

“Now, be a good child and wait in your seat.”

“You can’t make me,” Keigo said. “You’re not my dad.”

True, true.

“Yes, but I’m cooking for you out of my own hospitality. The least you can do is let me work my craft.” Then, Sako had an idea.

“Think of it like this: you don’t interrupt a magician when he’s performing on stage, do you?”

“...No,” Keigo said.

“Exactly!” Sako pointed to the seat on the couch. “After you, my valued audience member.”

Keigo was rather compliant after that, waiting by the couch but his eyes weren’t on the television. He watched Sako cook with curious eyes and an even more curious mouth if the questions that slipped out of the child were anything to go by.

Ah, the innocence of youth. How Sako missed it. Keigo was a good reminder of the children Sako used to perform for.

Keigo gaped when Sako set down the plates. “Nobody’s cooked ever since mom left.”

The little smile that came with the first bite warmed Sako’s heart. He was certainly no father by any means and he never planned on ever having a child; but Keigo made him wish that he had a son he could cook for, a son that he could perform tricks for and a son that he could live for.

“Thanks, Sako-san!” Keigo chirped, looking at Sako with such appreciation and admiration in his eyes that it almost hurt to watch.

All he did was feed a child. Apparently, that was the world to Keigo more than anything his father might have done for him in months.

“You’re good with kids,” Takami said. “Real good.”

“Well, I’d hope that is the case,” Sako stated. “Considering my former occupation and whatnot.”

“It’s annoying,” Takami scoffed. “That kid constantly asks about you all the time now. It’s starting to grate on my nerves.”

Perhaps if you took better care of your son, he wouldn’t be asking for my company so much then, Sako thought. He always knew Takami had a bit of a reckless side to him, but he didn’t realize how irresponsible the man could be. Especially considering the man was in charge of a little boy now.

“What do you want me to do about it?” Sako sighed. “I can’t help what the boy wants, after all.”

“I want you to stop barging into my apartment unannounced,” Takami said. “It’s my house. I never gave you permission to come and go as you please. I thought you were supposed to be the polite one.”

“I wouldn’t need to barge into your apartment unannounced if you would just keep to your word about our meeting times,” Sako said. “Ever heard of the word ‘punctuality’? No, I’m guessing you haven’t.”

Takami growled--he growled as if he had a right to be mad about the bullshit Sako had called him out on--and he slammed the can of beer he had been drinking out of against the table. “That doesn’t give you the right to speak to my son!”

Oh, how things have escalated. This was a rather troublesome development, Sako had to admit. “If it bothers you so much,” Sako had to remind himself that Keigo is not his responsibility, “then I won’t talk to your son again. Though I ask of you to make a more conscious effort to meet with me at the times you prescribe me.”

“Deal,” Takami grunted. “Glad that’s done and over, then.” The man finished the can of beer in one swig.

Sako tried not to let himself think about Keigo.

Keigo wasn’t his son. He wasn’t his responsibility. Yet, there was this certain guilt that occupied Sako’s mind whenever he was even reminded of the boy’s existence. It was hard to go through an entire day without thinking about the fate of the winged boy.

So, one day, Sako asked, “How’s Keigo doing?” because it was a little suspicious how the man didn’t seem concerned in the slightest about returning home despite it having been hours since he was last home.

“Oh, that little bugger?” Takami grunted. “He’s out of my hands already.”

Sako froze. “Excuse me?”

“The government took him away,” Takami said. “Keigo went and saved this group o’ kids or something and apparently one of the agents saw that he had ‘potential’ in him to become a hero.”

“Him? A hero?” It wasn’t that Keigo didn’t have potential (oh, he most certainly had potential). It was that... well...

“Yeah, well,” Takami spat on the ground, “I signed their damn contract. It’s what his mom would’ve wanted, anyways.”

“And what will you do when the boy finds out about your true occupation?” Sako asked. “Does he even know?”

“Of course he doesn’t,” Takami said. “I’m not that stupid.”

Yes, what a stupid father Takami would be if he didn’t tell his own son what his real career was. Honestly, did the man even think twice before opening his mouth to speak?

“He’s better off in their hands,” Takami rationalized.”You saw what things were like when it was just us two, didn’t you?”

Yes, and then you pushed me away from your son, Sako bitterly thought. The man had no one to blame but himself for his irrational behavior. “I suppose you’re right.”

“He’ll get a real bed now,” Takami added. “And three meals a day. I bet he’s already forgotten all ‘bout me.”

They both knew that wasn’t true. Despite Takami’s misgivings, Keigo never stopped looking up to his father. Even Sako could tell how much the boy seemed to idolize Takami no matter how much Takami seemed to neglect his own son.

“Perhaps,” Sako muttered disdainfully.

Sako felt like an old man when he watched Keigo--no, Hawks-- all grown up and flashing these award-winning smiles at fans who recognized him.

It felt weird to call him Hawks.

No man lives by their stage name alone--that is a dangerous ideal that most performers steer clear of. Yet, it seemed that nobody else knew the man’s real name. How peculiar, indeed. Sako wondered if that was their doing.

Irrationally, he turned to a random civilian from the crowd. How daunting he must appear, being a supposed “leader” of this new huge organization to have approached a new recruit spontaneously.

“Would you like to see a trick?” Sako asked with as much charm as he could muster up. When they agreed, Sako pulled off a magnificent card trick that seemed to stun them into silence.

Someone else, who had been observing him perform the trick (oh dear, where did this crowd come from?) asked him, “How did you... do that?”

Sako didn’t even need to answer the question himself. Oh, how that once-young boy knew him and his antics too well. Even with his face covered, the name would of course undoubtedly have been a dead giveaway (if he was more careful in the past, he would have given out a fake one).

Right on cue, Hawks was there, saying, “Don’t you know how this works? A magician never reveals his secrets!”

He taught him well. Perhaps, a little too well.

#my writing #not going up on ao3 btw #unless people find tumblr formatting too horrible. id prefer not to post this on there

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