#I’d rather the truth over a lie any day

[thoughtsofapessimistttt]

Sometimes you don’t even need to hear the truth from that person because their actions have already spoken volumes and told you everything you need to know

#this could be in a good or bad context tbf #feelings #life stuff #thoughts 💭 #relationship #love #mine #friendship #vent #heartbreak #life quotes #quotes #love quotes #self love #literature #relationship quotes #friendship quotes #lit #motivational #inspirational #coping #relatable #happy #good vibes #good energy #truth #I’d rather the truth over a lie any day #respect yourself #put yourself first sweetheart

[sailortongue]

Wingteam

pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

wc: ~1.5k

summary: the team decides that Spencer is in need of a date and they're going to be the ones to help him. But there's just one problem that the team doesn't know about: Spencer already has a girlfriend

a/n: this is my first time writing for criminal minds so they're probably all out of character but pls bear with me. binged the first four seasons in a month and i'm completely hooked on the show and spencer so hopefully i'll write more and improve characterization. any feedback would be super appreciated!

------

Spencer Reid was a rather private person, preferring to keep his private life just that: private. But it was getting progressively harder to explain why he didn't want to participate in group outings to the local bars. Truth be told, all he wanted was to get home to you and cuddle on the couch. Not that his teammates knew you even existed. It wasn't that he was ashamed of you! No, never. How could he ever be ashamed of the most wonderful thing in his life? No, it was because he knew he'd never hear the end of the teasing, especially from Morgan. And so he had decided that he would keep you all to himself, after discussing with you, of course. You had no issue with him not disclosing your relationship with his coworkers. However, it was this secrecy that led him to this horribly uncomfortable moment.

“You don't get to weasel out this time, pretty boy. You're coming with us even if I have to manhandle you there,” said Morgan. “And you're not leaving that bar without a girl on your arm,” he added, finger pointed at Reid in an accusatory manner.

It took all of Spencer’s willpower to not outwardly grimace. Like hell he was going to leave with any girl that wasn't you. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” he declined. It wasn't exactly a lie; he was already in a relationship, afterall.

“Oh, c’mon, Spence, don't you want to settle down one day?” chimed in Emily. “I bet you'd be an amazing husband.” She redirected her attention, “We just have to find the future Mrs. Reid, right Morgan?”

Morgan smirked, “Sounds like a plan.”

“No. There is no plan. Stop scheming. I told you, I’m not looking for a relationship. And even if I was, I don't think I’d need a team of FBI agents to help me get a date,” Spencer tried to discourage his friends, but to no avail. In fact, it just seemed to egg them on.

“Reid, I’ve never seen you go out with anyone. We’re getting you laid tonight and there's nothing you can do about it.”

“Never seen me go out with anyone? Should I be inviting you along to my dates?”

The sarcasm wasn't lost on Morgan, who rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.” He turned to look at Garcia, “Hey, babygirl, you wanna help us land Reid a date?” The grin that Morgan had whilst asking was soon mirrored by the technical analyst in question.

“Do you even have to ask, sugar?”

A quick glance around the bullpen at his gathered teammates told him that no one was going to help him get out of this. Spencer’s expression changed to one of panic, but not for the reason that his friends assumed, i.e. that he had no experience with girls and was just nervous. Much to his chagrin, Hotch made a different deduction, and whilst everyone else was discussing their plan for later that night, he leaned down to Reid, “Why don't you just tell them you have a girlfriend already?”

Spencer, who was nowhere near as skilled as Hotch at hiding his emotions, had shock written all over his face. He opened his mouth to question how Hotch knew that, not even bothering to deny it. But Hotch answered before Spencer could even ask the question. “I’m a profiler. To be honest, I'm surprised the rest of the team hasn’t figured it out. Rossi has a suspicion, though.” And with that, Hotch stood back up to his full height and resumed conversation with the team, asking what time they had decided to meet.

I’m so screwed thought Spencer.

--------

“I’m so screwed,” Spencer announced to you as soon as he walked into your shared apartment, dropping his satchel in the entryway. You looked up from the book you were currently reading, “What happened? Are you okay?” You closed your book and set it on the coffee table, giving your perfect boyfriend your full attention. He sighed and joined you where you were reclined on the couch, lying down and placing his head on your tummy, wrapping his arms around you in the process. You smiled down at him gently and brought your hand up to play with his curls, eliciting a satisfied groan from him. “What's eating you, Spence?”

He tilted his head up before answering, “I have to meet the team at a bar later tonight.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion, not seeing what the issue could possibly be. “Ok? Why is that a problem?”

He adjusted himself to be propped up on his elbows on either side of you. “It’s a problem because they've all decided that I'm in need of a girlfriend,” he huffed. Despite your best efforts, you couldn't contain your laughter at Spencer’s obvious distress over the situation. You truly meant no offense, but he was just so gosh darn cute.

“Spencer, sweetheart, why don't you just tell them?”

“Honestly, at this point I just want to see how long it takes them to figure it out without me outright telling them. We're not supposed to profile each other, but it becomes second nature due to the job, so they're bound to pick up on it eventually. Hotch already knows, and he said that Rossi is suspicious. The others haven't caught on yet, but now Morgan wants to be my wingman for the night. How am I supposed to play this off?”

You thought about it for a second before an idea came to mind, a sly grin sliding across the features Spencer loved oh so much. “You're going to do exactly what Morgan wants.”

Spencer blanched, immediately objecting to your words. How could you even suggest that?

“Hold on, I’m not done. I’m not sending the love of my life out to flirt with anyone that isn't me. So what we’re gonna do is….

--------

“Oh, what's this? Did pretty boy find a pretty girl?” teased Derek. His friend practically looked like those wolves from vintage cartoons with hearts for eyes and tongue rolling out of their mouths. His question caught the attention of the rest of the table, all of whom saw Spencer with his eyes trained on a lovely young woman sitting at the bar.

“You should go talk to her!” encouraged Penelope.

“Oh, she's so pretty!” exclaimed JJ. “I agree with Pen, you should definitely go talk to her!”

Hotch watched as the rest of the team, all at least a few drinks in, hyped Spencer up with intoxicated enthusiasm. He had a barely-there smile on his face, watching the events unfold. He watched as Spencer’s face got redder and redder with the attention. As entertaining as this was for the others, it was infinitely more entertaining for Hotch, since he was certain that the woman at the bar was Spencer’s secret girlfriend.

Finally, Spencer gave in to his friends’ demands and approached the bar, seating himself beside the woman. Beside you. Knowing his friends were watching, he had to pretend as if he was meeting you for the first time.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he offered.

You glanced at him coyly before accepting his offer. At some point, the two of you fell into the usual rhythm of conversation you always had, speaking to each other in a way that betrayed how close you really were.

Back at the table, Rossi leaned over to Hotch and gestured for Hotch to lean in as well. “That's the kid’s girlfriend, isn't it?” he whispered. Hotch pulled back with an amused expression and gave the slightest nod, confirming Rossi’s question. Meanwhile, Morgan was placing a bet with Garcia about how long it would take for Reid to leave with you. Morgan was confident that it would be within the next thirty minutes, stating that Reid, who wasn't the most socially adept but was having such a lively conversation, must have really hit it off with you. They watched as Reid spoke to you, all smiles and wild hand gesticulations. And then there was you, the pretty woman who, unbeknownst to the team (minus Hotch and Rossi), was already irrevocably in love with their resident genius long before they took it upon themselves to be a whole wingteam. The radiant smile you wore matched the one Spencer had as you responded to him just as enthusiastically as he had been speaking.

Unfortunately for Garcia, Morgan won their bet. The two of them watched as Reid leaned in to whisper something in your ear. When he pulled away, there was a prominent blush on your face that the minimal amount of alcohol you had couldn't possibly be responsible for. You nodded at him, and he stood from his stool, offering his hand for you to take, which you did as you followed him to the exit.

“My man!” called Morgan from across the bar, raising his beer in Spencer’s direction. Hotch and Rossi chuckled, exchanging glances and shaking their heads. The rest would figure it out eventually. It might be when they receive a wedding invitation, but eventually nonetheless. 

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Experience (S.R.)

Summary: Spencer wants to make sure Reader’s first time is perfect.

Request: Same as Part One (Inexperienced) Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Kissing, make out, loss of virginity, penetrative sex Word Count: 3k

MASTERLIST

I’d always imagined that it would be difficult to date a profiler, even as a person who hated to lie. There were still some secrets I’d rather keep to myself.

Then again, I’d also thought I would hate dating anyone but a profiler, because, as a profiler myself, I would catch them in every lie. I would know their every secret.

After a few months of dating Spencer Reid, I’d realized the flaw in my logic. I had never considered the reality that the person I chose would never feel the need to lie to me.

When Spencer told me I was beautiful, he never had to lie. When he said he was happy, the truth of it was written all over his face. I felt each hint of excitement and insecurity through the way his hands shook when he touched me in a way he never had before.

It had been both a shock and a relief when he told me that he’d only slept with a couple women before me, and only once with each woman. From his perspective, he was nearly as innocent as I had been. In a strange way, it was comforting.

But the day he shared that information with me had also been the day I caught him in his first lie by omission.

“I appreciate you so much,” I’d said.

“I like you, too,” he’d answered, but he’d actually wanted to say, “I love you.”

(I‘d forgiven him for the half-truth when he’d proceeded to confess within the hour.)

Overall, dating Spencer had been effortless. If there was one negative thing I had discovered, it was that he made it basically impossible for me to catch up on recent movie releases.

Because every time around the thirty minute mark, without fail, Spencer’s hands would begin to roam. They would sneak under whatever fabric would accommodate him.

Of course, I say it’s a negative, but I didn’t really mind. I’d sacrifice a million poorly written scripts for him any day.

Didn’t mean I wasn’t going to tease him about it, though.

“Are you even watching the movie?” I asked.

Spencer hummed against my neck. Without answering, he gave another long kiss against the sensitive skin before he’d decided that the couch was better suited for horizontal activities. He helped guide me to lay on the couch beneath him; the both of us abandoning the movie screen for something far more enticing.

Again, he kissed me. This time just a chaste peck on the lips. I’d decided it wasn’t enough, however, so I pulled him back for the type of kiss that left lingering tingles from the loss of pressure when it ended.

“I take that as a no?” I giggled.

“You’re way more interesting,” he slurred.

I ran my hands through his mussed, mousy brown hair and pushed the few strands away until I had an unobstructed view. His pupils had grown so much in the dim light of the living room that I could hardly see a halo of amber honey irises.

I released a soft sigh at the sight because I knew it wouldn’t last nearly long enough. I had been right, too, because it didn’t take Spencer long to push against my hands and capture my lips with his once more.

I wasn’t going to complain. Especially not when he used his knee to push my legs apart. He replaced the empty space with thigh, which he politely offered to me for a more exciting seat than the couch beneath us.

My back arched on instinct as I ground down against the strong muscles. A gentle mewl escaped from between our lips. The sound only encouraged him more, and Spencer became even more insistent in his adoration. His hands held me closer, and I was happily crushed within his embrace.

“You’re so soft and so warm,” he groaned.

He hadn’t been wrong. It felt like every inch of me was on fire and I was helpless to stymy the embers. It was so hard to find my thoughts among the haze of lust, but I managed somehow.

“Do you want me to use my mouth again?” I offered with a giggle.

I watched the memories replay through his mind. Then, for the first time since our educational experimentation had begun, Spencer seemed almost disappointed in the prospect of being worshipped by me.

Instead of accepting, his wandering hand came to a stop at my hips. He slowed my movements until there was nothing but the sound of hot, heavy breath.

With the back of his free hand, he brushed his knuckles over my cheek. His eyes burned into mine, igniting an even deeper fire than I felt in my chest and between my legs.

“I want…” he whispered, his voice wavering so badly he had to try again. I could sense the restraint in his shaking hands and hard swallow.

But then he said it.

“I want to take you to bed.”

My heart stopped in my chest—not for too long, though—it had to find him again. It forced me to pull him closer, to share in the metaphorical and literal warmth of his embrace. I felt the lithe but strong musculature of him hold me as tightly as he could without hurting.

I looked into those darkened eyes and saw a soul overflowing with love. I saw myself in the oceans of his lust. I felt it, the soft rocking of our bodies that had begun moving again.

I wondered when it had stopped being scary. Because it wasn’t. Not anymore.

“Take me,” I whispered under my breath.

Spencer had prepared to accept rejection. So much so that he seemed genuinely shocked at the softly spoken words.

“Wait, really?” he asked.

I couldn’t help but giggle at the way his voice cracked.

“Really,” I promised.

The poor man practically tumbled to the ground in his haste to move from the couch. With absolutely no grace and an almost juvenile amount of excitement, he jumped up and helped pull me from my still horizontal position on the couch.

I could hear myself laughing. My chest was somehow both completely devoid of air and also full of it. The joy pouring out of us felt never ending. Even when we found each other again, I’d chosen his lips over breathing.

We disrobed each other with an equal amount of laughter and just as little grace. His hands didn’t feel foreign on my bare skin; he had held me fervently several times since the first movie night. But they still felt exciting.

There was a renewed vigor in the way he loved me. Not that anything had been missing before. It was just different. It was a comfortable chaos.

When we were finally bared before each other, however, the frenzy subsided. We stood together, with our hands interlocked despite so many other places we could hold one another. Spencer tried to keep his eyes on mine, but he must’ve found other sight too inviting. His eyes flickered over my naked body like a page from his favorite novel.

Part of me felt like we could spend an eternity there, basking in the vulnerability and trust we offered one another. But the rest of me was far too excited by the prospect of finally learning what all the fuss was about.

It was my decision to pull him forward, but it was his decision to kiss me. Somehow, despite his insistence to pay full attention to my lips, I managed to maneuver him onto the bed.

At first, I climbed on top of him. I perched myself on his lap like it was the most natural thing. I settled my hips so that his erection rested against my stomach.

Spencer took a moment to enjoy the sight of his girlfriend feeling at home with him. His eyes, still swallowed by the abyss of blown pupils, seemed to shine brighter. His fingers barely touched me. The tips dragged along my thighs like any pressure might cause me to shatter.

It felt that way, too. My heart was so full that each beat knocked the breath from my lungs.

I placed a gentle hand on the silken skin of him. I pressed him against my stomach and tried to imagine, one last time before I knew for sure, what it would be like to welcome him inside of myself in a physical way.

Spencer whimpered at the contact. His hands that had been gentle turned needy. He pawed at my thighs and dug blunt nails into the malleable skin. He didn’t stop me, though. He waited patiently until my palm slid over the tip. Once my hands were free, even just for a second, he grabbed hold of me and tossed me beside him on the bed.

The sudden movement made my lungs empty with laughter. Spencer joined in, rolling onto his side and mounting me before the momentum was lost.

He paused again. His eyes continued to scan heated skin between us. I realized that he was having his own moment, his own treasured memory of anticipation before the first had come and gone.

Things wouldn’t be the same, but he assured me they wouldn’t be different. He had told me early and often that he loved me. He had never given me any reason to doubt the veracity of the statement.

I’d gotten better at knowing when he was lying ever since I’d seen him naked.

So when he finally spoke, I knew that it was the truth.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered with a roughness of a dried throat. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as his hips lowered enough that he could once again feel the heat radiating between my legs.

“I want you so badly,” he whined.

His arms were shaking with restraint. Even when he pressed his length against me, his movements were unbearably slow. He slid himself back and forth through the wetness dripping from my folds.

I could hardly breathe. The tension from the waiting felt the same as the few seconds before the euphoria.

The next time that he pulled away, I issued my own beg.

“Take me, Spencer.”

His resolve stumbled. He rutted harder against me, but managed to maintain my purity for a few seconds longer.

“Fuck,” he groaned, “it sounds so good when you say that.”

I forced my eyes to stay even half-open as the torturous teasing continued. I looked up at Spencer and gently brought him back to me. His eyes were equally strained, glossy and fogged by the lust we shared.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked.

“I just…” he started just to stop.

He swallowed again. That time, he swallowed whatever lie he had concocted that he thought might sound more appealing to me than the truth.

But ultimately, he knew that I would have never accepted a lie. So, he told me the truth.

“I want it to be perfect.”

I fought the urge to laugh because I knew he wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t realize that I was laughing because it was absurd to think that he could ever be wrong.

I’d imagined this moment a million times over and he was the only thing that had never changed.

Instead of laughing, I kissed him through a smile. Each time he pulled away to gasp for air, I kissed him again. I continued until he seemed drunk from it all. I ran my hands through thick brown curls and didn’t stop the giggle this time.

“It’s already perfect,” I explained, “because it’s with you.”

Spencer laughed. His eyes seemed clearer as tears gathered in the corners.

“Don’t be nervous,” I assured him.

“I can’t help it!” he squeaked, “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and now you’re letting me touch you, and I am just—!”

Before he could wind himself up anymore, I kissed him again. He kept trying to speak his insecurities to life but I dismissed them each with a quick kiss to impossibly soft lips.

“You are perfect,” I sighed. “That’s what you are.”

And for once, my boyfriend was willing to accept the praise. He reveled in the pride and safety that he found in his lover’s arms. I felt it, too. Any fear or hesitation that remained dissipated when he kissed me one more time.

Then, I knew that it was time. Taking one of his hands in mine, I guided both between us until we reached the slick, lily-soft skin. Our breaths hitched in tandem as we prepared for the bliss of togetherness.

“Let’s do it together,” I whispered as I abandoned his hand to grab hold of his dick. It felt warm and firm and more than I could ever ask for.

Heat blossomed throughout my stomach like butterflies. My lungs and heart pumped harder when his hand wrapped around mine.

Together, we positioned the head against dripping folds. Spencer pressed forward, filling the emptiness of me with himself. Inch by inch, he coaxed tight, resistant muscles into a new kind of tension. My body clung to him the same way sweat beaded on my skin. Each second that passed, I became more and more aware of how empty my life had been without him.

When I finally felt the base of him rest against my inner thighs, I let out a shaky breath. I breathed in again, reinvigorated. New, but still innocent to the full force of his passion.

“I love you,” he whispered against my lips.

“I love you, too,” I answered. I’d hardly even recognized my voice.

The dreamy, otherworldly quality of it had been honest. Just as I’d started to transcend the ninth cloud, Spencer began pulling out of me just as slowly as he’d entered. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the heat of him dragging against sensitive muscles.

Then, when I’d least expected it, Spencer thrust forward. With one swift motion, he forced himself to the hilt inside of me.

“Ah!” I yelped.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, not understanding that it had been caused by the furthest thing from pain.

“No, no, it feels so, so good,” I said between heavy breaths. Unable to express exactly how it felt, I explained, “You feel so good.”

“You have no idea how good I feel right now,” he chuckled back.

The joke, however silly, served as another reminder to my body that I was safe there. Even when Spencer started to thrust into me with less restraint, my body started to relax and allow him to take what he wanted.

My thighs rippled from the contact. My whole body writhed underneath him, rocking in tandem with his movements. We were simultaneously together and off-rhythm, but it didn’t seem to matter. All that mattered was the soft sounds of pleasure pouring from our mouths and between our legs.

“I love you so much,” he pleaded, “Thank you for loving me.”

“I love you so much, Spencer,” I returned because it was true.

Spencer’s movements faltered simultaneously. He stopped at the deepest point of me and gasped. He steadied himself, trying to not lose himself completely.

Despite wanting it to last longer, I also needed him to come closer. So, I kissed him even though I knew it couldn’t last nearly long enough at his pace.

Still, Spencer’s lips lingered on mine. Each time he drove into me, his lips would brush against mine enough to satisfy my longing.

Punctuating every thought with our bodies crashing together, he whispered sweet nothings in the air between us.

“Your body is the closest thing to sanctity,” he groaned, “you are the only evidence of cosmic creation I will ever need.”

My stomach started to tense with the power of his words. They worked their way into the most intimate part of me the same way our bodies melded together.

My eyes, barely open, stayed fixed on his in the darkness. He served as my light, the fire burning between my hip bones. I felt myself becoming consumed so quickly that it made me hold him harder, closer, longer.

Spencer’s soul reached into mine and my words flowed from his lips.

“Fate exists and it brought me here to you. I was made for this,” he said between heavy whimpers, “I was made for you.”

There were no words left to be said. Every nerve in my body was firing, every beautiful word I’d ever heard was battling its way to my tongue. Only the most meaningful managed to be made.

“Spencer…” I whined.

He heard the desperation in my voice and he knew I wouldn’t last much longer.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“Yes,” I answered in earnest, “Take me. I’m yours.”

The sweet sound of my submission took him over the edge. Just as we’d started, we plummeted into the ecstasy together. With our bodies wound around one another and our hearts just as hopelessly enmeshed, we found our release. As my walls fluttered around him, I felt his heartbeat from inside of myself. Warmth unlike the rest filled where I was once empty.

When his body collapsed onto me, he still made sure that our lips met first. A chaste kiss devolved into a flurry of tongues and whimpers the way it always had.

It had been different, but it had been the same. Exactly as he’d promised.

Spencer eventually paused his worship to let his lungs catch up to our now gently beating hearts.

But he couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Was it worth the wait?”

I laughed at his impatience and never ending desire to please. Relief washed over me when I realized that I hadn’t needed to lie.

“Yes,” I hummed before flashing a cheeky grin. “But I don’t think I want to wait that long for next time. Is that alright with you?”

And although it would take at least a few moments to fully enjoy each other to that extent, I still felt him twitch with excitement inside me.

Then, with a deeper, darker voice to foreshadow a future of exciting adventures, he rasped, “That sounds great.”

(And it was. It really, really was.)

(Tell me what you thought about this piece here!) NO PART 2 REQUESTS.

Looking for more fics with Virgin!Reader? Check out my category masterlist here.

Reid Taglist: @mrs-dr-reid , @dreatine , @hopefulfangirl24 , @laurakirsten0502 , @dontcallmekittens , @rintheemolion , @andreasworlsboring101 , @imsuperawkward , @wentz2005 , @lovejules888 , @dashneydanger , @materialisthicc , @violetspoetic Complete Taglist: @cynbx , @emsma11 , @mediocre-writer , @fightingdragonswithwho , @andiebeaword , @jayyeahthatsme ,

Please consider liking, reblogging, or commenting on the fic if you are on the taglist. Otherwise, you are essentially asking me to take an extra step to include you while offering me absolutely NOTHING in exchange, which is a pretty shitty feeling.

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fandom #spencer reid/you #spencer reid/reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid self insert #criminal minds smut #criminal minds fanfic #imaginingafterdark

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🎪 WIBTA for telling the truth about certain work-related skills I have?

There’s a LOT of backstory to this. I will be keeping it as concise as I can, but note that this is FAR from an exhaustive list of details.

I (20sNB) do a lot of theatre-related contract work in my hometown and surrounding areas. My background lies very much in the circus I grew up in (since I was 6, so it’s been a pretty considerable percentage of my life)—I do a lot of stilt walking, clowning, balance stuff, etc, and whenever I help train new people in power tool use/concession stand running/rigging/other stuff it pretty much always lets slip that the circus is in fact where I learned most if not all relevant skills that I use for that kind of job. Unsurprisingly, they often want to hear details about my pretty unique backstory.

However, my relationship with said circus has soured rather considerably over the past few years. I finally decided to fully cut ties a few months ago, and multiple people who have been in my life for a very long time had been encouraging me to do so for a number of years, so I was very supported when I did—but it still hurt a lot to actually do it when I had been there for basically my whole life. The vast majority of people there (coaches, riggers, fellow performers, etc) are people I was very close with and care for deeply—my issues with the organization lie very specifically with a few particular people who are unfortunately the ones on top. I no longer feel particularly welcome to go back there, and in all likelihood won’t be seeing most of them again. I’ve been trying to make my peace with this.

(For a little context surrounding my departure—this circus’ artistic director has had a HUGE favoritism problem for as long as I can remember. I was never a favorite. The executive director liked me quite a lot for my work ethic, and actually hired me on as staff on top of being a performer when I was 16, which is where I learned a lot of what I know about things like concessions and running crew and the like—but he was never the one making decisions about shows, and I was often belittled or downright dismissed by those who were. The incident that had most of my loved ones encouraging me to walk away happened earlier that year, when a rigging accident left me with a permanent injury that still often visibly debilitates me to this day—something else the people wanting to learn about my circus background will sometimes ask about. But I didn’t want to leave, because there was really nowhere else I could get the community + training and performing experience I was getting there, and I know full well that it was purely an accident. However, I was never satisfied with the way the organization handled the incident, and this was far from the only time I’d been dismissed as a person there—several adults in my life even compared my treatment there to an abusive relationship, and though I did not see it at the time, hindsight has me beginning to agree with them. The specific incident that finally got me to leave was probably less of a big deal than that injury was, but other factors since then had me considering leaving for quite a while before that finally happened anyways.)

I don’t really think I’m TA for leaving, even if I did do it rather abruptly and had a ton of responsibilities there that surely got dumped onto somebody else—if these new directors couldn’t even be bothered to actually ask me to reconsider, instead of just having someone from admin do it on their behalf, they probably didn’t feel all that betrayed anyways. Here’s where I’ve been running into a lot of issues lately: even though I no longer affiliate with said circus, the people who I now work with in other organizations often ask me about my involvement with it, usually because they’re interested in becoming involved themselves. I’m finding that over the months since I decided to fully sever ties there I have not been feeling any better/less raw about it at all. On the one hand, I am very tempted (and would probably find it rather cathartic at that) to warn them away from spending their time with that place specifically, for the stated reasons. On the other hand, I spent the vast majority of my life so far growing up there, there are several people still there for whom I care very deeply, and I do think it’s overall a good organization that serves (most of) the people it reaches super well—I would definitely not be the person I am today without it, and I just can’t bring myself to badmouth the entire organization for the actions of a few specific people when I know they’re always hurting for staff and the like. Unfortunately, it’s pretty much impossible to talk about my involvement with them without bringing up the circumstances of my departure, especially when people frequently ask why I would leave a place I otherwise speak so fondly of.

At this point, I think it would be much easier for me (and cause a lot less heartache overall) if I just made up some different kind of backstory of how I learned all my circus skills—but on the other hand, that’s super dishonest and I don’t know how long I’d be able to keep up a lie with any complexity to it. Is it the less assholeish move to simply tell the truth? I’m really struggling to think of any alternatives to just super awkwardly changing topics as soon as anyone compliments or asks about what I do, which probably doesn’t reflect well on me in the long run when I’m trying to rebuild my network from the ground up.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[chelseeebe]

falling. | part 3. to maneater.

summary: steve harrington was the first boy you’d opened up to. so why can’t you stop fucking it up?

c/w: billy is in this and there’s mentions of sexual assault and non-consensual touching so read with caution!

it’s finally done!!!!! i don’t even think i like this but it’s here!!! tumblr deleted a whole chunk of writing so had to redo some parts n ik they aren’t as good as the original <\3 also falling - harry styles especially the first verse rlly got me going for this one.

read part one here. | read part two here.

there had been absolutely no contact with steve. he couldn’t even look at you.

now being shunned from sitting on the table your two groups had taken over, jessica very kindly tells you, ‘it’s probably better if you don’t come, y’know.. just until steve cools down.’

‘right.. guess i’ll see you later then,’ you slink out of the cafeteria, choosing to retreat to your car instead, away from everyone.

to be honest, you weren’t keen on sitting opposite steve anyway. the way his eyes looked at you, all sad and disappointed.

on the friday, you’re sat in your car, willing the next two hours of school to hurry up when your passenger door swings open and a large body collapses into the seat.

‘what the fuck are you doing?’

‘you looked lonely, thought i’d give you some company,’ billy states, throwing his legs on the dashboard.

you shoo his feet off, ‘i was fine on my own, actually.’

‘darling, i’ve seen you sat here every day this week, your boyfriend still mad at you?’ he smirks over at you.

‘he’s not my boyfriend, never has been, but yeah, no thanks to you,’ you hiss, though you can’t solely blame him.

‘you really were wasted, huh? don’t remember what happened after?’ he lights a cigarette, rolling down the window.

‘well no, but i’ve been told.. steve couldn’t wait to throw it in my face, trust me,’ you state, looking over at the curly haired boy.

‘why do you give a shit what he thinks? never had you down as someone that cared what little pretty boys like harrington think of you,’ he takes a drag.

billy was attractive, not in a steve harrington kinda way, more rugged and much less clean-cut.

you reach over and grab the cigarette from him, taking a long drag before handing it back.

‘i don’t,’ you lie, ‘could not care less.’

‘that’s why you’re hiding in your car is it, sweetheart?’ he chuckles, eyes narrowing at you.

‘just fuck off, billy,’ you roll your eyes, unprepared for his home-truths.

he laughs, ‘n leave you all alone? you sure you want that?'

even though it was billy, you had appreciated not being alone at lunch. your friend's hadn't exactly shunned you, but had decided that during lunch they'd rather preserve the peace with their new-found friendship with steve and his group.

'you can stay, as long as you shut up and don't mention steve again,' you fold your arms over your chest, twisting your body to look at him.

'i'm not making any promises,' he flicks the butt of the cigarrette out of the window, turning back to face you.

'there's a party tomorrow, i'll pick you up at eight,' he winks.

in all honesty a party was a welcome distraction to everything at the moment, though billy would not be your usual choice of friend but at this point you weren't left with much choice.

then there's a twinge of guilt in your stomach, thinking of steve and how a party and billy had actually been the sole reason steve now wasn’t speaking to you.

he was the first guy you’d let get that close since moving to hawkins a few years back. an inexplicable feeling bubbles in your stomach as you think back to your date. how you had felt so comfortable with him, telling him things not even your friends had gotten out of you.

and suddenly that awful impulsive urge rises from your stomach. the one that only showed itself when things were becoming too serious with someone.

so fuck it.

you spent the whole of the lunch break with billy, in your car. you hadn't ever pictured your friday to go this way, but you were just happy that someone was actually speaking to you.

you'd neglected to notice steve, who had finished basketball practice, standing just a few metres from your car, glaring at the pair of you sat talking in your car. a frown planted firmly on his face, utter disbelief at how you could even be sat with him after that damned party.

tommy notices steve staring, searching for the cause of his scowl, landing on your car. he swings his arm over his friends shoulder in sympathy.

'bro.. c'mon, let's just go,' he tugs steve away and back into the school.

-

billy is late, obviously.

he wasn’t like steve, ready and waiting for you before you’d even finished getting ready.

you turn your wrist to look at your watch.

8:11pm

you were about to head back inside when you hear the loud car engine pull onto your street, wheels screeching to a halt.

billy grins at you from the window, you roll your eyes and get into the car.

‘you’re late, lucky i was nice enough to wait,’ you pull your skirt down, as it had ridden up past your thighs. not unnoticed by billy.

‘sorry darlin’, looking good though,’ he eyes up your thighs.

‘just drive, i need a fucking drink,’ you stare, flipping him the middle finger.

he chuckles, speeding off down the street.

-

you’d told yourself that there was absolutely no way you were getting as wasted as last time. but here you were, head spinning as you stumble up to the stairs and into the bathroom.

billy follows closely behind, pushing his way into the bathroom, ‘not tapping out, are ya doll face?’

‘no, i’m fine.. just need a minute,’ you lean your hands on the counter, looking at your blurry reflection in the mirror.

billy presses himself against your back, hands finding your waist as you watch him grin in the mirror.

you spin your body round to face him, placing a hand on his chest to push him back, ‘i’m not fucking you billy,’ shaking your head.

‘oh c’mon, i’ve been waiting all night for this darlin’,’ his fingers begin to slide up your thigh, disappearing under your skirt.

‘no billy, i’m not doing that,’ you place your hand on his wrist, trying to move his hand.

his expression hardens as he leans his face closer to yours, his fingers now gripping your jaw, ‘you’re joking.. everyone knows what a little slut you are, what’s the problem? don’t tell me it’s harrington.’

his fingers tear a hole in your tights, latching onto the hem of your underwear and you freeze.

your eyes squeeze shut, ‘i just don’t want to have sex with you.. get off of me,’ your voice shakes.

he runs his thumb over your bottom lip before letting go, backing away from the counter, ‘whatever, you’re a little cock-tease,’ he walks out of the bathroom, slamming the door so hard the walls shake.

you sigh, wiping away the tears that had slipped out and rolled down your cheek.

you’d yet again made a gigantic mess of everything.

now left stranded at some random party, god knows where.

so, you do the sensible thing and walk down the stairs and out of the house, stumbling down the street as you pass the party goers.

you walk and walk, until you end up on the familiar street.

you don’t really know what you’re doing until you’re at the door, boots in hand as your knuckles wrap against the wood.

there were now holes in your tights, black mascara smudged down your cheeks and the red lipstick you’d chosen now anywhere but your lips.

you glance at the time on your watch

3:32am.

it had taken you an hour to even get here.

the door swings open and a shirtless steve stands in the doorway, hair sticking up every which way.

‘y/n? why are y- what happened?’ his tone becoming concerned as he notices your disheveled appearance and the leather boots in your hand.

you shrug, swallowing the lump in your throat, ‘i didn’t know where else to go..’ the lump rises as a cry escapes your mouth.

his arms are around your body, pulling you into his chest, before you can say another word.

you cry as he pulls you into the house, running his hand down your back. you can only cling onto him, only crying harder because you didn’t deserve this kindness from him.

‘hey.. what happened?’ he questions, pulling away to make you look up at him.

‘i was.. at a party and- and billy..’ you’re interrupted with a sob, unable to finish the sentence.

his eyes go from soft to filled with anger at the mention of his name.

‘what? what did he do?’ he spits, with the state of you it couldn’t have been good.

‘he just- he tried to touch me and.. and i said no and-,’ you’re interrupted by a sob, unable to even tell steve.

you can feel his body stiffen, ‘he didn’t… did he?’

shaking your head, you swallow attempting to conceal your cries, ‘no.. he just.. touched me.. it’s my fault, i shouldn’t have even gone..’

‘no, no it’s not at all.. c’mon let’s get you cleaned up,’ he pulls his body from yours, now taking your hand and walking you up his stairs.

the second time he’d come to your drunken rescue. you felt awful for relying on him so much.

but truthfully, steve would rather know that you’re safe with him than out there. no matter what had happened between you.

he gently wipes the remains of your makeup off with his moms face wipes, offering you the spare toothbrush and even turning around as you change into yet another one of his t-shirts, this time foregoing the sweatpants.

‘got my own collection going on,’ you laugh weakly, sitting on the edge of his bed.

he exhales, ‘s’pose you do.. they look better on you anyway,’ he stands in the doorway, ready to go to the guest bedroom.

‘can you.. stay in here.. only if you want to,’ you whisper, pulling back the duvet for him.

he walks over to the bed, ‘of course i want to.. whether i should is another story,’ he climbs into the bed, laying back.

‘you should,’ you lean your head back onto the pillow, staring at the cream coloured ceiling.

steve flicks the lamp off, turning on his side to go to sleep.

you’re sure he’s asleep before you let out the first silent cry, hand held over your mouth.

your shoulders shake as you sniffle, slightly louder than intended.

and then you feel steve’s arm snake around your waist, pulling you into his chest.

‘i’m sorry.. i thought you were asleep..’ you mumble.

‘no.. can’t sleep,’ he grumbles in response, still holding onto your waist.

you turn your body to face his, looking up at his shadowy face, admiring the way the moon cascaded over his features. you can just about make out his eyes staring back into yours.

‘me too..’

the eye contact is heavy, and you’re half tempted to reach up and kiss him.

steve clearly has the same thought, his lips colliding with yours with his free hand now cupping your face.

but this kiss is different, there’s no lust, no desire behind it. not like before. this kiss was soft, full of warmth and emotion.

he pulls back, searching for your eyes in the darkness, ‘c’mon you need to sleep.’

you nod slightly, resting your head on his chest and exhaling deeply.

his fingers trace patterns into your shoulder, chin resting on the top of your head.

eventually your breathing becomes heavy on his chest as you drift off to sleep.

his fingers slide through your hair with his other arm wrapped tightly around your shoulders, holding you close to his body.

he whispers into your hair, ‘you’re killing me here..’

eventually falling asleep, nuzzled into your hair.

-

it's noon before you wake up, steve's arm around your waist as he snores lightly.

he looked so peaceful when he was asleep, the usual furrow of his brow replaced with an undisturbed, stillness to his face.

you smile at the image, not wanting to wake him but desperately needing the bathroom.

you manoeuvre your body out of his grasp and tiptoe to the bathroom.

when you come back to the room steve is awake, sat up against his headboard.

‘i thought.. i thought you’d snuck off again,’ he exhales, running his hand through his hair.

you shake your head, ‘not this time,’ sitting at the end of the bed.

‘what happened last night?’ he asks, not wanting to press too much.

you sigh, looking down at your hands, ‘he.. he touched me.. i said no but he.. just-,’ you stop yourself.

steve reaches over, placing his hand over yours for reassurance.

‘he grabbed me.. called me a slut and a tease- i don’t wanna talk about it..’

‘you should go to the police, obviously if you want to.. but he shouldn’t get away with that,’ he squeezes you hand, his tone now full of disgust.

‘no, i’m not.. it’s fine- i’m fine,’ you look up at him, eyes glossy with tears.

‘you do-,’ he sighs, exasperated, ‘okay, it’s your choice.. but i’m just telling you now that i am going to kill him.’

you chuckle through the tears, ‘you couldn’t kill a fly.’

‘hey! i could and i have,’ he feigns offence.

you groan, using steve’s blanket to wipe away your tears.

‘are you okay?’ he questions quietly.

you nod, ‘i’m fine.. are you okay?’

‘why would i not be?’

‘because.. of me,’ you shrug, ‘what i did..’

he squeezes your hand, ‘it doesn’t matter.. you were right, you aren’t my girlfriend.. i can’t expect you to act like it,’ he sighs; slightly frowning.

his eyes are sad, gazing down at you.

‘it was still shitty.. i’m really sorry steve.. i’m trying to be a different person, better, but it’s hard..’

he exhales, ‘look.. we don’t need to speak about this now..’

you nod, appreciating his kindness. even if you were totally undeserving.

‘c’mon, i’ll take you home,’ he runs his thumb over your hand before standing from the bed.

you’re stood at his door when he picks up the skirt you’d worn last night. it had been a favourite but now you couldn’t even stand to look at it.

‘burn it,’ you say, disgusted at the sight of the skirt.

it goes unnoticed when steve grits his teeth, seething at how billy’s actions had made you feel so little. a shell of the you he knew.

-

you hesitate going into the cafeteria. there was still an air of uncertainty around you and steve despite you turning up on his doorstep sunday morning.

you notice the group of students now stood at the window, jeering and gasping at some commotion outside.

before you can decide whether to join them, jessica sprints up to you, 'you need to come, now,' pulling your arm towards the door to the forecourt.

'what? what's going on?' you query, stumbling as she drags you along.

'it's steve..,' she pants, breathless as she'd had to sprint to find you.

your eyes immediately land on the group of high-schoolers, crowded around the bustle you'd noticed from the window.

pushing through the crowd you spot steve squared up to billy, his hand shoving his backwards, billy tumbling back.

'fucking creep,' steve spits, stepping up once again.

'what's the problem? did i touch your little girlfriend? that little slut wanted it,' billy bites back, returning the shove to steve only a little harder.

you bite the inside of your cheek, guilty that you were the reason for the fight. his words sting, memories of the spiteful words he had spat at you in the bathroom flooding back.

steve lunges for the boy, landing a particularly hard punch to his cheek sending billy backwards towards the crowd.

billy clutches his cheek, a smile on his lips at the utter disbelief of steve's actions.

the denim clad boy tackles steve to the ground, pulling his arm back to sock him in the face, repeatedly, each hit harder than the last.

you gasp, elbowing the boys in front of you out of the way and stepping up towards billy, you grab onto his jacket in an attempt to stop him.

'fucking stop it!' you screech, pulling his arm back and away from steve.

billy pushes you backwards, falling to the floor as the crowd let out a collective 'ooh'.

fortunately for steve, ms. kelly gets into the middle of the circle as one of the gym teachers restrains billy.

you rush over to steve, his face now bruised and bloody. you cradle his head in your arms, trying to clean off some of the blood to assess how badly he was hurt.

he looks up at you, eyes squinting at the bright light, 'i'm sorry.. he deserved it though.'

you shake your head, though you can't hide the smile on your face, ‘we could've slashed his tyres or something, now look at you.'

eventually, you alongside one of his teammates take him inside, his arm resting on your shoulder.

you press the ice pack to his face, shuffling in the uncomfortable office chairs while you wait for the principle to finish speaking to billy.

'i think you're a fucking idiot for doing that.. but i wanted to thank you.. for defending me n' that..'

he turns to face you, 'oh that? wasn't for you.. i just really really wanted to get beat up,' he winces at his split lip as he smiles.

'it was kinda hot.. y'know the ten seconds before he beat the shit out of you,' you giggle. it was true, angry steve was hot, just not when he was angry at you.

your head jolts to the open door, as billy saunters out. steve had got a pretty good hit in, with billy's cheek now adorned with a new blue bruise.

he glares at the two of you, his lip snarling as if to say something but he restrains himself.

‘mr. harrington,’ mr. davis calls, gesturing towards his office.

you both stand at the same time, ‘you can stay here miss. (y/l/n),’ the principle nods.

‘no, i’m coming,’ you walk into the office and take a seat before steve.

mr. davis is shocked at your gumption, beginning his spiel about fighting and how it’s unacceptable in the school environment.

‘so unfortunately, i’ve got no choice but to suspend you-,’

‘no,’ you cut him off, ‘that’s not fair, it’s my fault he was even fighting, so you can either suspend both of us or neither of us,’ you cross your arms, staring at your principal.

‘well.. now we can’t do that.. school policy states that we need to punish anyone fighting,’ david states, leaning forward on his desk.

‘so suspend me too.’

steve gawps at you, mouth open at your brave actions, utterly speechless.

‘i don’t think that would be wise miss (y/l/n), it’s a one week suspension,’ he attempts to persuade you to concede.

you shrug, ‘i don’t care.’

‘okay.. well.. then you’re both suspended, i’ll be in contact with both of your parents.. i expect you back, not fighting, next monday,’ your principal sighs.

you stand up and exit the room, stone-faced as you barrel out of the school.

steve jogs to catch up with you, ‘wait.. wait, why the fuck did you do that?’ his fingers curl around your wrist.

‘because it’s my fault you were even fighting.. only fair that i take some of the blame,’ you turn to him only inches away from his swollen face.

a laugh erupts from his throat at the sheer absurdity of it all. it’s contagious as you burst out laughing with him.

‘we look crazy..’ you mutter, noticing the stares from nosy students out of the classroom windows.

‘you are crazy,’ he says, fingers still wrapped around your wrist.

‘i’m not the one throwing punches at someone twice my size,’ you state, grinning at him.

he scoffs, ‘twice? i don’t think so.’

you shake your head, ‘let’s get out of this shit hole, you’ve just bagged me a week off.. i’m not wasting that.’

you walk over to your car, looking back at steve stood gawping at you.

‘i.. i drove so i’ll uh- see ya,’ he begins to walk to his car, fumbling in his pockets for his keys.

‘are you sure you’re alright to drive? your eye’s pretty fucked..’ you were just desperate to not let him walk away once again.

‘yeah.. this is not my first time being beaten up, believe it or not,’ he half jokes, wobbling over to his car.

‘well.. uh, do you wanna do something later? i think i owe you for defending my honour,’ you call after him.

he turns to look at you, ‘okay, dinner is definitely on you though.’

‘i’ll even come and pick you up.. six, so you better be ready,’ you open the car door, sliding into the seat.

you both drive home grinning at your nondate-date.

-

you’d never been so nervous, stomach doing flips at the thought of seeing him.

you pull up on his drive, giving your outfit a once over before sounding the horn. you’d opted for more casual wear, a difference to the usual short skirts and revealing tops steve normally saw you in.

he appears at the door before limping over to your car. he groans as he attempts to sit in the car, his bruises now visible on his face.

‘are you sure you’re okay to go out?’ you question, wincing at his cut hands.

‘yeah.. i’m fine.. just a bit sore,’ he mumbles.

‘mm, you look it, c‘mon.. we can just order pizza and watch a movie, it’s okay,’ you hop out and walk around the passenger side, helping him out of your car.

he wraps his arm around your waist, supporting himself with your body, ‘you could’ve said this before i dragged myself all the way over here,’ he jokes.

‘steve, i’ll fucking drop you.’

you help him into the house, placing him down on the sofa before looking around at the large house.

you’d never really seen it through sober eyes, suddenly noticing the childhood photos dotted around.

‘are your parents not home?’ you question, the quiet echoed around the house.

‘nah.. they never are,’ he shrugs, there’s a certain sadness to his voice as he settles into the cushions.

‘oh.. at least they don’t know that you’re suspended i guess..’ you try to spin it positively but you can tell just how hurt he is.

‘yeah.. i guess..’

you sit down on the couch next to him, grabbing the phone from the table and passing it to him.

‘c’mon.. it’s my treat so get whatever you want,’ you cross your legs up onto the couch, watching him on the phone. completely enamoured with his every little move.

-

there’s some action film on the tv, not your first choice obviously.

your knees are tucked into your chest as steve leans against you, head on your shoulder. you honestly weren’t even sure he was still awake.

‘i’m really sorry, steve,’ it comes out in barely a whisper.

you hear him sigh, ‘i know.. it’s okay,’ he lifts his head off of your shoulder, now looking at you.

‘no, steve.. it’s not okay.. i hurt you and that’s not okay..’ you can’t bare to look at him, into his sad, doe eyes, instead playing with the hem on your jeans.

‘it is.. im telling you that it is.. you aren’t my girlfriend and..’ he exhales, ‘it’s okay that you don’t want to be.. i shouldn’t have just expected it from you..’

you’re still picking at the loose thread on your jeans, ‘but i do.. i do want that.. i just- there’s something wrong with me and i just can’t help it, i fuck everything up.. i hurt people..’ you shake your head, quickly wiping away the tear that had slipped out.

being so vulnerable with him made you sick to your stomach. the first person in a long time to tap into this part of you, the side you had buried deep down.

he swallows before putting his hand on your knee, ‘you haven’t.. fucked anything up, i’m still here aren’t i?

you’re brave enough to slowly look up at him through sodden eyelashes, blinking at his words.

‘you know.. i’ve been begging to hear you say that for so long..’ he breathes, inching closer to your face.

‘i don’t wanna hurt you..’ you murmur, his hand cupping your cheek as he wipes your damp cheek.

he leans forward, placing his lips on your yours. the kiss is similar to the one you’d shared in his bed on sunday morning, soft with no ulterior motives. affectionate and gentle, something you hadn’t felt in a long time.

he pulls away, pressing his forehead to yours as his thumb still tracing your cheek, ‘then don’t.’

you nod, placing your hand on top of his before kissing his lips again. carefully placing your other hand on his bruised cheek, sure to be gentle with him.

‘does this mean you’re my girlfriend?’ he mumbles into the kiss.

you laugh against his lips, ‘if you want me to be..’

he pulls back to look at you, ‘i want nothing more,’ the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile.

‘then i’m yours.’

#steve harrington #steve harrington x you #steve stranger things #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington angst #steve harrington x y/n #stranger things x you #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fluff #stranger things x reader

[beloved-daydreams]

"Tail" a Jude x Cardan fic

Quick summary(?): Jude and Cardan have been recognized as the Queen and King of Faerie, since then a few weeks have passed. Some amount of peace has returned, yet a lot of things have been left unsaid. Despite their knowledge of eachother's affection being reciprocated, they'll still have to learn to rely on eachother and trust eachother more day by day. And to do that, it's natural to start with the small things.

Note: It’s mostly fluff and them talking privately, this is my first attempt to writing them but I’d like to make more if I get more ideas. I’ve been thinking of making a series of "one shots" where they tell eachother things they’ve never confessed. Like maybe how Balekin made Jude kiss him. Or how she witnessed Cardan getting abused back in the first book (unless I’m misremembering, I think she never told him?) It’s not like those things need to be said, especially since they’re so uncomfortable for the both of them, but I often wonder how these "small revelations" would go, had they been put into words. Well, who am I kidding, I probably won’t have enough willpower to go through with it haha. But please, have this for the time being.

And please consider leaving comments and/or your jumbled thoughts in the tags! This means a lot to writers. Enjoy ❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hearing his footsteps getting closer and closer, Jude placed herself more prettily on the bed. Making sure that everything was in place, that the bathrobe she was wearing over her underwear wasn't crooked or that her hair hadn’t stood up awkwardly in some places.

She hated how much she still wanted to make sure to appear attractive to him. Well, she already knew that he liked- No. Loved her but she couldn't stop herself from greedily wishing for more.

Those chambers were now shared by the both of them so they had laid down some rules. One of them being that before coming in, they should always warn the other. Thus Cardan stopped himself in front of the room and knocked 3 times, quite assuredly.

"It's me."

His proclamation was a confirmation of what Jude already knew rather than anything else. She could recognize him by many things. His smell, the silhouette of his shadow, the way he laughs, his wide footsteps. There was no shortage of ways she had that made her capable of spotting him almost immediately. Especially when you consider that, for years, her eyes would always wander around, almost subconsciously looking for him. She had observed him for years, hated him for years, despised him from the bottom of her heart.

That is, until she noticed that she didn't. Or rather, the brand of hatred she felt towards him was special. In the middle of it, she was drawn to him, attracted by his everything. It seemed like that feeling had switched to love somewhere along the way, or maybe it had masked itself under her fear. Now she only wanted him for herself. Oh, the pain of having to share him with his subjects when all she wants to do sometimes is to just lie down next to him, confessing all of the thoughts she hides from him...

In any case, Jude jokingly answered.

"Me who?"

Slightly unnerved by the bad joke, Cardan followed.

"Who else but your darling husband? Let me in Jude."

It wasn't like he couldn't get in, the door wasn't locked or anything. However it was quite cute how he always asked for her permission to come inside since they didn't decide on that in the rules. All he needed to do was notify her of his presence before coming in, which, well, Jude had quickly noticed how almost useless that rule was since she could always hear him coming so clearly. Unless she was really busy with something, it was pretty much impossible to miss him.

"Come in then, my dear husband."

Jude said that with a bit of a haughty air to appear unfazed by her own words, but the truth was that she was still very giddy at the idea of having him, Cardan of all people, as a husband.

Coming into the room, Cardan immediately let himself fall on the bed, then turned over towards Jude, not so discreetly admiring her.

"You're not letting anyone else come here, are you?"

Jude faked an offended look.

"You think I'd cheat on my beloved husband? How rude."

Then kissed him on his forehead which made his tail flail around a bit. That caught Jude's attention and made her lips switch into a smile.

"Did you just wag your tail at me?"

Instead of replying, Cardan buried his face into the pillow and let out a low, exasperated sound. Part of the reason why he would always hide his tail before was because he was scared of something like this happening. It would be shameful. Especially if it was in front of Jude, who he thought would immediately understand that he was excited when talking to her or interacting with her in any capacity.

Now that they were married it wasn't supposed to be as shameful, but it was still slightly embarrassing nonetheless.

Jude placed her hand on his back, rubbing it gently.

"No use hiding into the pillow oh High King of Faeries, please answer your wife when she speaks to you."

Again, with that playful and teasing tone of hers. This was something Cardan had barely if ever seen from her before, but since they've been wed, he was finding more and more lovable sides to her which was quite damning. He was already hopelessly head over heels for her, there was absolutely no need to make it harder for him by being even more charming than she already was.

"Very well. Since my lovely wife so atrociously wants to know the answer, I'll humor her for a bit: Yes, my tail did move because of her loveliness that I so mortifyingly crave."

There was really no reason to be so embarrassed, yet Jude found this honest part of him so very cute. In response, she moved her hand away from his back and carefully grabbed his tail. It twitched a bit at the unexpected contact.

"Oh. I did that without thinking, should I remove my hand?"

"...No. Amuse yourself with it if you wish to do so."

That was an uncharacteristically meek answer from Cradan. Especially since until only a few months ago, he would always keep his tail hidden. And now he was suddenly letting himself be played with. Truth was, he was rather curious to see what she would do with it if given the permission.

A bit hesitantly, Jude carressed the tail from its base to the tip. Cardan sneered.

"Oh, feeling so confident already? Do you consider me to be your pet now?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous. You've been my pet for far longer, even before you would flaunt your tail around in front of my face."

The King laughed at the utter audacity of that statement. And, well, also because she wasn't wrong.

Jude then started brushing the palm of her hand with the tip of the tail.

"...It's as soft as a brush. If we trim it a bit, do you think you could use it to paint?"

"So I was your pet and now I'm merely a drawing utensil? My worth just keeps going down, huh."

It was her turn to laugh now, she wasn't quite sure how to answer to his comment this time around. So she opted for honesty again, hoping it would make him smile.

"Your tail is adorable, I love it."

Instead, she was met with silence that lasted for a few seconds. It took all of Cardan’s willpower to not ridicule himself again by wagging his tail, he was desperately trying to come up with something witty to shoot back at her as usual. However, before he could collect his thoughts, a bit nervous by the lack of reaction, Jude followed.

"Will it hurt if I pull on it?"

His gaze subtly softened before being wiped off by his signature smirk. The annoyingly charming one.

"So you like seeing me in pain after all. Feel free to tr- OW?!"

Before he could finish, Jude pulled on it with a bit more force than she'd like to admit. He was right, seeing his face twist in pain was in fact amusing. In reaction to that, he retaliated by laying on his back, covering the tail under him.

"Aww... But it was just getting fun."

"For you, maybe. I'd like to keep my tail healthy and functional."

"For what? You basically can't do anything with it, right? It doesn't seem strong enough to hold anything."

A bit offended, Cardan uncovered his tail and sat up on the bed.

"It can't hold very heavy items, but it has enough strength to hold medium sized objects."

Having said that, Cardan took Jude's arm.

"Stay still."

His tail curled around her arm, and then, once her was sure that it had a solid grip on her, he attempted to pull her arm down. It wasn't enough to bring it down to the bed, after all Jude's arms were rather strong thanks to all of her sword training, however she could feel that the tail did have a fair amount of strength to it. Way more than she initially thought in fact.

But then, an image flashed in her mind. Seeing how the tail had tangled itself up on her arm, she remembered how it would do the same to her thigh and leg when they were...

Cardan sneered.

"Remembered something joyful my sweet Jude?"

In a hurry, she untangled the tail from her arm. It was an incredibly poor attempt to divert Cardan’s attention from her rosy cheeks.

"You could say that. Well, as much as I enjoyed fiddling with your tail, I think we should call it a day. Good night."

And so, she blew on the candles and buried herself under the covers next to her dear husband who did the same. However, sleep wasn’t on his mind at all. It never was. Jude guessed it was because they were a "new couple" and they were sharing a room, not to mention right after admitting their feelings to eachother. The smallest thing really did set him off to asking for it before sleep, and as much as Jude wanted to deny it, the thought also came flowing into her mind just as often and as easily. Difference being that she had loads more of self-restraint than her idiot husband.

Under the covers, as usual Cardan reached for her hips, pulling her towards him.

"Not only did my sweet wife not give me a goodnight kiss, but she’s also facing away from me? How cold. Almost heartless even."

"Don’t be so dramatic. And..." She paused. "I know what you truly want, from my knowledge it sure isn’t just a kiss that you’d like from me you foolish High King of perversion."

And with that very halfhearted attempt to supposedly shake him off, Jude didn’t even try to push his hands away. Which was more or less a signal between them that stated she was actually fine with doing it. And so, Cardan slyly pushed his tail in between her legs, then wrapped himself around one of her thighs in that familiar, possessive way of his. As if every single part of his body had to be in contact with hers. He was so close now that Jude could feel him smile against her neck.

"Is this possibly what you remembered earlier, my bewitching Queen?"

Suddenly, his tail wasn’t so adorable anymore. It was now a means to an end. Jude’s mind was racing, almost as fast as her heart. No matter how many times this happened, it was still enthralling.

"Cardan, say: is making love to me all you can think about?"

"...No. I also think a lot about you making love to me."

Not that anybody could see it, but Jude rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure what kind of answer she expected but she should’ve seen this coming. Or at least, that was until what he said next.

"Well, jests aside, I do want to do a lot more things with you. However it feels like the only time we have alone for ourselves is either when we wake or just before we sleep."

"Then... want to take a break tomorrow?"

That was true. To keep up appearances they were "together" for a good chunk of the day, but it was always in front of the eyes of others. Jude wasn’t a fan of public displays of affection but she also didn’t want to dismiss their duties. And so they were stuck in this situation, if Cardan had been the one to decide, he would drop all those duties on the spot and push them back for a few days, no doubt. So as much as she hated to admit it to herself, his desperation was likely justified.

Jude surprised even herself with those words. In fact, she was maybe even more surprised than Cardan.

"I’d love that." For a moment, his tail’s hold on Jude’s thigh weakened. As if he was a bit shaken by what was said. Or maybe by what was about to be said. He continued. "For once, would you consider asking for me?"

"What?"

Jude was confused by those words that had yet to take a tangible meaning in her mind. In front of the complete confusion, Cardan followed once again.

"I mean, I... It feels like, I’m always the one asking for your love. Although you do answer back satisfyingly, for once I wish you’d initiate first."

Oh.

Well.

It’s true that this never crossed her mind. Now that she thinks about it, all of the times they had sex since they’ve been married, or even before that, the one who was always more overtly leading to it first was in fact Cardan. She was a bit embarrassed at how she could’ve missed this, she had to make it right.

She turned over, facing him as his tail untangled itself from her thigh, letting her be free with her movements. She placed the palm of her hand on his chest, slowly dragging it up and down as she spoke softly.

His eyes were already eager. Although Jude couldn’t see very well in the dark, Cardan’s vision was quite clear. Being asked for while she was displaying such a cute face must be criminal. Nonetheless, he held back his urges. It wasn’t good enough.

"Cardan Dear... I need you."

"More. Ask for it more clearly."

"I..." the words were stuck in the back of her throat, she wanted to convey her burning desire in a way that didn’t sound too ridiculous. Was it always this difficult for Cardan? Now that she thinks about it, he’s always been surprisingly articulate with her. Her on the other hand, not so much. She admits to herself that maybe her strength solely lies in rude words. The ones that hurt, the ones that make you angry and the ones that trick. So being asked to be explictly honest and gentle, it was a task that was hard to follow through.

"I’d like you to... um..."

"Yes...?"

"Uh. Wait, sorry. Shit. I didn’t think I was this shy. This is so stupid."

"It’s not, please be truthful."

Ah yes. The truth. Something so natural for Faeries but only an option for humans. Jude tried to switch her line of thought: What would she say if she were a Faerie? If she could only tell the truth, if there was no option to lie. Only honesty. Pure and simple.

"I’d like you to fuck me. To kiss my neck and lips. To wrap your tail around me again. I want to be under you as you look at me, knowing that you can clearly see everything I try to hide. Would that be okay? Please... Cardan."

Silence overtook the room for a couple of seconds. That is only until Cardan had no self-restraint left in him after that bold declaration. Bold yet so very cute. He pulled her body under his, covering her in a hug.

"W-Was that okay?"

"Oh my sweet darling, my evil temptress. Your honesty is irresistible, I’ll do anything you need from me."

And so, as she had asked, he wrapped himself around her again.

#the folk of the air #the cruel prince #the wicked king #the queen of nothing #fanfiction #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #jude x cardan #jurdan #is it just me or did I make cardan act like a cat? nckrjgjgif #anyway #please please leave tags and comments if you enjoyed!!!

[smidgen-of-hotboy]

Our Angel of Brahma, pt. ix

Travelers. Friends. Mutuals. @ceaseless-watchers-special-girl @ananxiousgenz @the-private-eye @demonic-panini @gwenlena

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING BEGINS. MOTHERLY VOICE: I finally got a moment to myself thanks to Eber and Camilla… Thank the Goddess… I don’t know what I would be doing without them. (THE PERSON SIGHS) Where do I begin? I guess… my name would be a good start.  (CLEARING THEIR THROAT) My name is Eevee Bell, and I am one of three to four dozen Dome Wardens on Brahma. Our duty is to perform routine maintenance on the planet’s Dome, track incoming and outgoing shuttles and ships, and monitor Brahma’s severe weather outside the Dome. I love my job. I think I do my job very well. From what I’ve heard about other planets, they have robotics and computers to do this job now. Artificial intelligence that the Solar Planets spent a fortune to perfect. Of course just like with everything else though, Brahma gets left behind in the dust. (EEVEE CHUCKLES UNDER HER BREATH) EEVEE: Goddess bless our savior New Kinshasa. (EEVEE LAUGHS A BIT HARSHER) EEVEE: What happened to us though has been brewing under their noses for some time now. I guess it was only a matter of time before… something was done.  To be honest I’m still not entirely sure what did happen. I know that our alarms went off when the Reactor Core was removed, and I know they stopped going off when the Core was put back. I know that the Chief Constable called all of our stations, and ordered us to go home. I know that we have not gone back to our stations for nearly ten days. I know that if we don’t accept any imports within the next seven days Brahma will begin to suffer. And if we fall, New Kinshasa falls with us.  Cyrus called me while I was rushing to get home to Baird. He asked me how much I knew and after I told him, I asked how much he knew. He said it would be better if he came to speak to me in person. He lives across town with Iris. I told him it wouldn’t be wise to meet up so late, especially with a curfew in place. He disagreed, but I talked enough sense into him that he waited until morning to catch a tram over here to the apartments.  Baird was not enthused to see him. He was rather… indifferent, actually. I know it hurt Cyrus’ feelings, I do plan on talking about it with Baird when I can, but it’s so hard to talk about anything seriously right now. I’d rather keep things as light-hearted as possible.  I sent Baird over to Camilla and Eber’s apartment while I had tea with Cyrus. He looked so worried. He asked me if I saw the Chief Constable’s broadcast about the Revolutionary, Peter Nureyev. I have. I watched it with Baird the night before after I got home from my post. Cyrus said that he doesn’t know of any Peter Nureyevs in any of his revolution circles.  He surprised me by asking me for my thoughts about the Constable they allegedly found murdered by the Revolutionary. I didn’t at the time, and I still don’t now. Cyrus said that he has reason to believe that part was a lie. He doesn’t believe the Revolutionary killed a Constable. He thinks it might be an elaborate lie or cover-up for some more vain truth. (EEVEE INHALES SHARPLY) The revolutionaries are holding a meeting tonight. Cyrus invited me to come. He wants me there. I don’t want to get in trouble, but… I need to keep Cyrus and Baird safe. And by extension, it’s my job to keep Brahma safe.  SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS AGAIN. NEW RECORDING BEGINS: EEVEE:  What the fuck! NEW VOICE:  What are you doing? EEVEE:  What am I doing I’m recording you idiot! Cyrus, don’t you see? If what was discussed tonight has any truth to it, New Kinshasa isn’t going to let any of this get out. More than– I bet you my next paycheck that Dark Matters is going to play a role in covering it all up! (CYRUS TRIES TO SHUSH EEVEE) CYRUS:  Alright, alright– you have a point. Keep your voice down alright the streets have ears… You really hope your little comms though is going to play a role in– This? EEVEE: Mark my word, I think my little comms will outlive both of us. If Baird’s lucky it will outlive them.  (CYRUS GROANS. EEVEE GIGGLES) Okay, okay… I attended the meeting– CYRUS: The book club. We went to a late-night book club meeting. What? Don’t give me that look. Plausible deniability, Eve. EEVEE:  Right. The Book Club. We attended Book Club and talked about the climax of a war story. In the story, the main character kills a man with radical ideas to overthrow their government. The man he killed was not popular amongst the rebels. In theory, they should have agreed with him. CYRUS: In practice, however, the rebels do not condone murdering hundreds of thousands of people. Thus the whole unpopular amongst the rebels.  EEVEE:  Of course, word got out about the man’s death, and to cover it up, the government claimed him as an Enforcer. And they were getting away with it because the last clothes the man was found in was a stolen Enforcer uniform.  I don’t know if I believe the rebel or the government’s of the story– CYRUS: Eve– EEVEE: But! But. But I do believe that it was the right call for the rebels to sit back and wait for information to trickle out to them slowly… I think I’ll need to attend the next meeting to really make sure I understand what I’m getting myself into. Oh– I’m so tired. Can we discuss all this in the morning? With hopefully less ears listening in? (CYRUS HUMS AFFIRMATIVELY) CYRUS: I’ll even let you sleep in if you let me crash on your couch.  EEVEE: Of course, I wouldn’t make you walk across town while already breaking our curfew.  CYRUS: Thanks, Eve.  (LONG PAUSE) Baird’s not going to be mad to see me, is he? EEVEE: This late at night? I doubt it. If anything he’s staying over at that Spade’s apartment probably fast asleep with Charlie. Oh, they’re so sweet together. I went to say good night to them one evening and I couldn’t kiss Baird’s head because Charlie had a death grip on his shoulders. He's always polite and entertains all of Baird’s whims… I wish you were around more to see it happen. CYRUS:  You and I both know why that can’t happen.  (BOTH OF THEM SIGH) EEVEE: You know he’s only so pouty around you because you and I split up, right? He just wants us all together again. Like a proper family. CYRUS: We are a proper family. Mom who works too hard, dad who left to get milk and never came back– see? Proper family. (EEVEE LAUGHS CAUSING CYRUS TO LAUGH) UNFAMILIAR VOICE: Hey, state your business and show your credentials. CYRUS: Shit, Constables. Run Eve! SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS. 

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS AGAIN. RECORDING BEGINS.  (EEVEE WHISPERS) EEVEE: Cyrus and I got away from the Constables last week perfectly fine. This week on Brahma: we went to another revolution meeting. A few old timers took roll call and one of them said he had reason to believe that the person the Angel of Brahma killed was one of theirs. A man who wasn’t the least bit popular in any particular revolutionary circle. Apparently, he wanted to drop New Kinshasa out of the sky and saw it perfectly fit to kill all of Brahma in the process.  (EEVEE SCOFFS) The nerve of some people. No one at the meeting could remember his name though, and no one still knows who Peter Nureyev is outside of the photos projected on every billboard on the planet now. He looks so young. Those dark and haunting eyes and sharp teeth. I find it hard to believe that he’s just a teenager. But– he is.  I’m trying to keep my voice down right now because Baird is asleep. The meeting was held before curfew this time so Cyrus went home to Iris and I walked alone back to the apartment. Eber was waiting for me just outside and before I could say hello he was dragging me down the halls to Hank’s apartment. His dog Missy was sprawled out on the sofa but Hank, Camilla, and Josie were all gathered around the dinner table. Mrs. Darius was upstairs with Talia, Charlie, and Baird. I sat down and told them everything I could.  The revolutionaries wouldn’t let me record anything with my comms during the meeting, but there wasn’t much that I think needed to be recorded. Just talk about who was storing what, who was leaving their doors open to help others. There was a lot of talk about going on strike. Either food or labor. They want to send a message to New Kinshasa. I don’t think I can afford to do much of anything. Me and the other Dome Wardens just went back to work two days ago, we are working through a backlog of off-planet imports and exports still. If I strike alone I’ll just be fired. If all the Wardens strike, then the Constables will take over and that will lead to certain catastrophe. And if I stop eating then Baird will stop eating and he’s already so… short.  Oh– I wish I got a chance to talk to Cyrus before we went our separate ways. He’d help me think of some way I can help. Better yet, he’d probably be able to give the others here at the apartments the answers they wanted from me. Hank didn’t say anything other than telling us to get out. Eber, Camilla, Josie, and I were silent on the walk upstairs. The kids were delighted to see us. Eber walked Talia back down to Hank, Josie was trying to fill in Mrs. Darius, and Camilla and I watched the boys play some sort of game where they kept pinching each other and trying to not shriek? I think that was the objective? Children’s games used to be much less violent when I was that age. I remember when– BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Memma? EEVEE: Bairdy! What are you doing awake? BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): I couldn’t sleep. You were being too loud.  (EEVEE TSKS) EEVEE: Then let’s put you back to bed alright baby? C’mon. I’ll even sing for you if you’d like.  SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS AGAIN. NEW RECORDING BEGINS. EEVEE: I have either made the best decision of the revolution that will turn the tides in favor of Brahma, or the worst mistake of my life.  I told the old-timers at this past meeting that I work as a Dome Warden, and that a few of my colleagues seemed interested in joining the rebellion but were uncertain on how to go about it. The old-timers were delighted for a number of reasons and had drawn the same conclusion that I had a few weeks ago when a labor strike was first brought up. They think it would be very good if I was able to get some of the other Wardens on board with the revolution.  Cyrus was very quiet during the meeting. I asked him before we left if he had any opinions he was holding back, and all he said was to trust my gut. So… I trusted my gut. I told the other Wardens at my post about the meetings. I told them about going on strike. A few seemed skeptical. Others wanted to know when the next meeting was. I’m going to contact Cyrus and get him to help me get the others to the next meeting.  I hope… this wasn’t a mistake. I guess time will only tell. SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS.

SOUND: COMMS BEEPS AGAIN. NEW RECORDING BEGINS. EEVEE: –you turned it on. Good job, baby. BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Mom, why are you showing me how to use your comms? Is something going to happen to us? Is something bad going to happen to you?  EEVEE: What? Oh no, baby. Nothing is going to happen to me. I just think you would find more use out of my comms than I would. Look, since you got it to record you can start recording all those little songs you like to sing. Or maybe you can get Charlie to record a story for you.  BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): But Mom, I like your singing and your stories more. Will you sing for me? And tell me a story tonight? EEVEE: Absolutely not. You get one or the other. Take your pick. And whatever you don’t choose, you have to give to me.  (BAIRD POUTS) BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Fine… I want a story from you, and then I’ll give you a song. EEVEE:  Good choice, Bairdy. What kind of story would you like? (BAIRD HUMS) BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): I want a story about Brahma.  EEVEE: A story about Brahma? Well… there once was a boy born on Brahma with nothing. Not even a name. He grew up just like everyone else, hungry for more. More food, more freedom, more time. The boy followed a man who dreamed of dropping the New Kinshasa on top of the planet.  The boy was very tired. Tired of being poor, tired of being hungry, tired of being alone. But he knew, that if he let that man drop New Kinshasa out of the sky, he would never be able to forgive himself. Brahma is his home. He looked down at Brahma from up high, and saw them: his people.  Starving young faces just like his looked up to the sky and stared back at the city as it trembled. The boy had the power at his fingertips to stop a tragedy.  This is it. The people thought. This is how we go out. Not with the big bang, but crushed under the heel of our jailor.  The boy heard their thoughts. He felt a rush of adrenaline and stopped the man from getting away. The city of New Kinshasa never fell out of the sky that day. The people were ordered to retreat to their homes. But that evening, everyone heard about the great threat against the Guardian Angel System. And everyone learned the name Peter Nureyev. And for the first time in the last half-century, hope bloomed on Brahma. The Boy, The Legend, The Angel of Brahma.  BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): That’s not a story Memma, that’s history.  EEVEE: And what is history but a story we have to learn from? Now, I believe you owe me a song. (BAIRD GROANS AND HUFFS) BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Fine… (BAIRD TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND HUMS. THE SOUND GETS CLEARER LIKE HE’S BROUGHT THE COMMS CLOSER) My angel, I must ask you keep singing for me.  How sweet your tune, like a songbird at noon.  What a lovely trill, it makes me feel ill. O’ My heart overflows, I could never let go.  Like chimes in the wind, it must be destined.  I’ll find my way home, with your voice I’ll never be alone. Happy? (EEVEE SNIFFLES) EEVEE: Very. Thank you, Baird. That was beautiful.  (FABRIC RUSTLES, BOTH BAIRD AND EEVEE HUM) Promise me you’ll never stop singing baby. BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Of course, Memma. I don’t think I could even if I tried.  EEVEE: Good. Now– (EEVEE PRESSES A KISS TO BAIRD’S HEAD) Get some sleep. Okay? We have a long day tomorrow. And Bairdy? BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Yes, Mom? EEVEE: You know that I love you, right? BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): To the moons and back, yeah… Mom you promised nothing bad was going to happen to you.  EEVEE:  And nothing will. Good night, Baird.  BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Night Mom.  SOUND: DOOR CLOSING. BAIRD (FUTURE REVOLUTIONARY): Which button was it to end the recording? Was it this o– SOUND: COMMS BEEPS. RECORDING ENDS. 

- EEVEE BELL. BAIRD BELL. must contact Frannie’s friend about both of those names. - Dome Wardens are indeed an old, out of date job. Eve is right, they’ve been replaced with robots. It’s actually kinda scary how right she was about things. About that, about Dark Matters probably covering everything up with New Kinshasa. - Cyrus and Eve sound so fun together. I can see why they got married and had a kid together. - Bairdy and Memma… right up there with Charls and Dearest. - Oh Baird, he was 12 when these recordings were made. 12. Just almost a teenager, not quite. Almost too old to be called a baby. - Eve loved Baird so much. She reminds me of my mother a bit. And she knew exactly what she was doing tucking Baird into bed that final time. There’s no doubt in my mind this is the last recording with her in it. She was taken away after this and never came back. The Dome Wardens did go on strike at some point according to Baird in other recordings, so did someone snitch to a Constable? Did she the Constable that almost caught her and Cyrus track her down? - I think that’s the most frustrating part of my job. No matter how much I dig and research, there are some things that will be lost to me forever.

#at some point this was like pulling teeth #so i may revisit it and rewrite some of it #or elaborate/add more #BUT im happy rn #funfact: the story eve tells is almost word for word what i wrote on buzzkillgirls post #about nureyev the legend vs nureyev the man #our angel of brahma #the penumbra podcast #private eye's keys go jingle jangle #the penumbra fanfic #a hotboy's writing #FUCKGING BIRDS NEED TO SHUT UP NOW SO I CAN SLEEP-

[maxwellatoms]

Remember that post a few days ago where I groused about not being able to relate anything in a cartoon to reality? I was partially blaming the censors, but as I sit here trying to storyboard a funny children’s cartoon while offering cold comfort to my teacher friends in the midst of this week’s national tragedy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to place most of the blame on reality itself. Or at least the reality we've created for ourselves here in the United States, and which we ship out to the rest of the world as “entertainment”.

If you want cartoons to be good again, you’re going to have to make life better first. The whole point of satire is to hold a mirror to society with a touch of hyperbole, but when you live in a world where there are mass shootings like clockwork, of course you’re never going to be able to address violence in any form on a children’s show. I mean, I’d love to shove some of these uncomfortable truths in some people’s faces, but that’s just not going to happen on children's TV. I can’t come within a million miles of that. It’s radioactive. And I get it.

I think it’s interesting that there’s so much more violence now that we don’t have Elmer Fudd chasing Bugs Bunny around with a shotgun. I wonder sometimes if there isn’t a certain catharsis to seeing bad people punished. Elmer Fudd never won. He was the bad guy and he got his comeuppance. We used to watch people hit KKK members with furniture on Jerry Springer. Maybe that’s where they should’ve stayed; not as boogeymen but as loser clowns; defeated remnants of a failed racist insurrection destined to be beaten soundly with folding chairs for the rest of time. In truth though, I suspect that the problem has much less to do with depictions of violence in the media than it does with forty-plus years of Republicans legislating against education and the resulting entitlement that engendered. 

A certain segment of our society is really frightened. Frightened enough that they elect “strong men” who talk tough whether they’re “strong” or not. Frightened enough to hoard guns. Many of these people start off believing that a magic man in the sky will guide their morality, and I think many of them take that as an excuse never to learn or grow or develop any sort of morality of their own. Existential crises (IMO) are what humans use to better themselves. They’re difficult and unpleasant and can really ruin your day/week/month/year. In other words, they are “a real downer”. During an existential crisis, you’ve got to reflect on what you believe and why you believe it, and evaluate how changing those beliefs might ripple through your life. You’re going to have to make changes, and changes take work. But over time, you sort it out and come out the other side better and stronger for the work you’ve done. However, when the greatest crime you can think of is to admit fault, then you will do literally anything to avoid an existential crisis. It’s gotten to the point where a lot of these people have spent their entire lives lying to themselves. 

I suspect that most of them know that they’re full of shit. Like, way back in their mushy little goldfish brains there’s a little voice that points out the cognitive dissonance. But listening to that voice will cause an existential crisis that will negate the past thirty-to-sixty years of their lives and leave them a sobbing wreck wondering why they wasted so much time on absolute bullshit. So instead, they keep lying to themselves so that the dam doesn’t break. And then they lie to others to reinforce the dam.  With enough reinforcement, they can live together, hermetically sealed in an ignorant dreamland. And god help anyone who starts trying to poke holes. Without ever having experienced an existential crisis, these people would now literally rather kill you than admit fault. “Don’t talk about race. Don’t talk about gender. Don’t talk about gun violence. If you do, we’ll remind you that we have all the guns for the coming civil war our politicians are openly calling for.”

Did any of you watch “Chernobyl”? There’s a part where the lead scientist goes to Moscow to relay his findings to the Kremlin and he gives them the bad news that a real and deadly disaster has already happened. And the Kremlin says no, that sort of stuff doesn’t happen here in Russia. And the scientist says, “Well, no. I’m saying that it’s already happened. I don’t think you understand.” And he’s told, “No you don’t understand. We said that sort of stuff doesn’t happen here in Russia“  And then our hero starts to understand how truly screwed everyone actually is. That’s us now. That’s entertainment reflecting our real world back at us. If we can’t even start by admitting we’re wrong, we are all doomed.

My opinion on what TV animation is for is changing. When I started out as an artist in the animation industry, it was all about “art” and “freedom” and “sticking it to the man”. Now, I think, it’s more about providing an escape from the real world for children. That’s what it was for me growing up as a child so maybe that’s not too surprising, but I think I’d started to forget about that fact (granting that I was just trying to escape standard bullying and my own Aspie brain rather than mis-educated nihilist gun-nuts and their throngs of right-wing murder-fans).

Things will get worse. More killings will happen, and more frequently. And the stuff you’re watching is likely to get even less relatable as networks scramble to cover up our society’s exposed seams. And I guess that’s fine. “Relatable” is fucked. I’ll bet some people stumble across this in a few days or weeks or hours and wonder “but which shooting is he talking about?” Shit, if I hadn’t mentioned kids, we’d have three or four to choose from this week.

So that’s why your cartoons suck. It’s the same reason most things suck now. Because your society is catering to hypocritical, anachronistic, ego-maniacal,  cousin-humping racist idiot death-cultists.

Now... if you don’t mind I’ve only got a few hours to craft some silly jokes about corn while thinking about abandoned kids having to smear the blood of their dead friends on their clothes to stay alive.

*Please send all whataboutisms, both-sides-isms, gun facts, and death threats to P.O. Box Gofuckyourself, Cancel Me, CA.

[luvfae]

8 with Steve Harrington?

AS YOU DREAMT IT

WOULD BE

fandom: stranger things

parings: steve harrington x f reader

warnings: swearing, smut, oral (reader receiving), jokes about murder

8: enemies to lovers

Nobody hated Steve Harrington more than you. He was arrogant and always found ways to insert himself into your life, pushing all of your buttons until finally you snapped.

And what made things even harder for you, Steve was best friends with your best friend Robin. That’s how you had met him in the first place.

Robin was at her wits end, she had been trying to make the two of you get along for months now, but tonight your bickering had crossed the line. You had ruined her birthday party.

“Robin!” You exclaimed as she dragged both you and Steve into her garage.

“No, the both of you are staying in this room until you can get along,” Robin said, glaring between the pair of you. “So work it out,” she said, slamming the door and locking it behind her.

You groaned twisting on the door knob, banging your fists against the door, calling out her name.

“She’s not coming back,” Steve said, rolling his eyes.

You sighed, turning around and taking a seat on the cold concrete floor, glaring over at the boy you hated the most.

You sat in silence for almost five minutes until Steve finally decided to talk.

“How did you and Robin become friends?” He asked.

You scoffed at his question, “don’t try and be friendly now.”

“Well, it’s either that or stay locked in here with you for hours,” Steve replied, rolling his eyes at you. “And personally i’d rather drop dead then spend hours locked in a room with you.”

“The feelings mutual,” you replied.

“So? How did you become friends?”

You sighed, you couldn’t believe you were about to have a civil conversation with him. “Our parents worked together, we met at their work Christmas party a few years back and we just clicked.”

“Cool…”

“She’d pick me over you any day,” you said. Steve moved closer to you, sitting down beside you and you shuffled away from him.

“Yeah right,” Steve scoffed. “She came out to me first, so what does that say about you?”

“Only because you thought she wanted you,” you said. “Because Steve Harrington thinks everyone wants him.”

He chuckled and you glared over at him. “Don’t lie, Y/N. I’m sure you’ve had a sex dream about me before,” he replied.

You froze for a moment, because the truth is you actually have. “You are so cocky.”

“You paused because i’m right, aren’t I?” Steve smirked. “What happened in your dream? Was I on top?”

“The only dreams i’ve had about you involve murder,” you sneered.

“Look, if you want to recreate your dreams all you have to do is ask.”

“You want me to murder you?”

“No, i’m talking about your sex dreams,” he laughed. You froze again, skin heating up at his words and you actually thought about it. About what it’d be like to have Steve Harrington inside of you. “You’re thinking about it,” he smirked.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Shut up!”

“I’ll be honest, i’ve had sex dreams about you,” Steve said. “You’re a bitch and I hate your guts but i’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about you with my dick in my fist.”

Your eyes widened, looking over at him. You rubbed your thighs together to relieve some tension, and he noticed. You cursed yourself for managing to let him to get to you.

“I’ll eat you out right now, no questions asked,” Steve said.

“Fuck off, Steve,” you spat, but still, you were considering it.

“C’mon, maybe it’s what we need to be friends,” Steve said. “Look, Robin is both your best friend and my best friend, so shouldn’t we at least try to get along for her?” Steve asked. “Truth is i’m kind of over hating each other. I just wanna be civil at least.”

You hummed, pursing your lips. “Make me cum and i’ll consider it.”

“Deal,” he replied, grabbing your ankles and pulling you towards him. You gasped as he pushed up your dress and dragged your panties down your legs.

Goosebumps rose to your skin as your bare ass made contact with the cold concrete. Steve threw both of your legs over his shoulders, looking up at you from in between your legs as you felt his breath fan over your heat.

“Who would of thought me and you would end up in this position, huh?” Steve teased.

“Shut up and put your tongue to use,” you replied, pushing his head towards your most sensitive area.

Steve smirked before diving down, his tongue immediately making contact with your clit. Your back arched, hand slapping over your mouth to muffle the sinful noises that so badly wanted to escape.

Steve looked up at you as his tongue worked it’s magic. Your eyes rolling onto the back of your head, your free hand grasping onto his hair for dear life. If you knew it was going to be this good you would have dropped your grudge sooner.

You couldn’t stop your hips from rolling against his face, your legs twitching uncontrollably as he began to suck on your clit.

You took your hand away from your mouth, breathing heavily as the pair of you made eye contact.

“Fuck,” you whispered. “Why do you have to be good at this?” You whined, bottom lip in between your mouth.

Steve pulled away from you and you frowned. “Is it as good as you dreamt it would be?” Steve asked with a smirk.

“Even better,” you panted, pushing his head towards your again. You gasped when his warm tongue made contact with your slit again. “Please don’t stop,” you moaned.

Steve’s tongue moved faster against you, your wetness spilling into his mouth with every stroke. His pants were uncomfortably tight, like if you didn’t return the favour he’d have to beat one out in the bathroom before he’d be able to return to the party.

“I’m gunna cum, Steve,” you said, your voice soft, trying to hold back moans. You didn’t want anyone to hear what was going on inside Robin’s garage. “Gunna cum all over your annoying face.”

Steve groaned against your pussy and the sensation pushed you over the edge. You cried out his name, fingers tightening around his locks as your whole body vibrated from the feeling of your high.

Suddenly you felt way too sensitive and you pushed him away, panting hard, a fucked out look on your face. Steve wiped his mouth, grinning at you.

“Friends?” He asked.

You pulled your panties up over your legs and fixed your dress before replying. “A deals a deal,” you said. “And if you can do that with your tongue more often then we’ll easily get along.”

The door suddenly opened and you felt like a deer caught in headlights, the both of you quickly standing up to see Robin standing before you, a grossed out look on her face.

“We have cameras in here,” she said.

Your eyes widened at her words, glancing over at Steve who seemed to be amused.

“I asked you two to work things out, not fuck on my garage floor,” Robin groaned.

“Hey, at least we’re friends now, right Y/N?” Steve smirked, an arm wrapping around your shoulder.

Robin rolled her eyes, stepping aside to let the two of you back inside.

© luvfae 2022

#stranger things #steve harrington #steve harrington smut #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you

[imabookadict]

Can you do a reader x dark!az where maybe azriel is obsessed with reader and reader is just completely unaware of how much he loves her?? Thank you! 💕

a/n: i love this idea, but i somehow made it more creepy than romantic. also sorry for replying like 4 months later aha. but hopefully you enjoy!

warnings: stalking, sexual implications, slight pervertedness(?)

azriel never realized just how much he needed someone to love until he met you.

   you were perfect. just standing on the corner, book in hand, the sun warming your smiling face, the picture of innocence. and he was in awe.

   he couldn’t bring himself to talk to you. just the thought of it sent anxiety running through his body, the idea of conversing with you appealing and terrifying at once.

so instead of talking to you, he sunk into the shadows and began following as you turned to walk home.

you unknowingly lead the infamous shadowsinger to your home, and he watches as you unlock your door and step inside, shutting the door behind you.

for the next few days, he would walk loops around your block, hoping to catch a glimpse of you outside. he did see you through the window as you changed in your bedroom, unaware of his eyes on you. shame filled him as he sharply turned away and took off. his face felt hot, knowing he was going to go home and touch himself while he thought of that small glimpse of you he’d stolen.

a week later, you dropped your keys while bringing groceries inside. azriel seemingly came out of nowhere and picked them up for you, and as you looked up at him to thank him, you suddenly stopped short.

something about him unnerved you. you couldn’t exactly place a finger on it, but your guard went up as you smiled at him. “thank you so much. are you new to the neighbourhood? i haven’t seen you before.”

your question threw him off. he didn’t want to lie to you, but he wasn’t sure how to admit that he had been watching your house for the past week and a half.

“no, i was just taking a walk through the area,” the words weren’t technically a lie, yet the familiar feeling of guilt came over him, and suddenly he wished he wasn’t in this conversation at all. azriel would much rather watch you from afar than actually be up close, because now he didn’t know how to act. he was usually smooth and confident with women, why were you any different?

you gripped your keys a little tighter in your hand, suspicion rising in you. you wanted out of this interaction. “it is a nice day, isn’t it?” you looked up at the sunny sky, trying your hardest to be polite. you were probably just overreacting.

he nodded, the sunlight making the green in his eyes noticeable. he was breathtaking, you suddenly realized. that made you even more nervous. “yeah, it’s beautiful out.” like you, he didn’t add.

“well, i better deal with those groceries before they melt. thank you, again.” you turned to go, but he grabbed your arm to stop you.

he realized that it was overstepping boundaries, and he quickly pulled his arm away while looking down at his shoes, feeling like a inexperienced teenager all over again. “i was wondering if you wanted to maybe, like, grab a coffee or something? i think you’re super pretty and nice, and id love to talk to you some more.” if cassian and rhys knew about this entire conversation, they’d never let azriel live it down.

“oh- yeah, of course. thank you, i’d love to,”you smiled at him- a genuine smile- and in that smile azriel saw his entire feature. “i’m y/n, by the way.”

y/n. that was the perfect name for you. he imagined whispering it after waking up next to you, moaning it, calling it after you did something unexpected. it was perfect.

“azriel,” he smiled at you, trying not to let you see how excited he was.

truth was, you were also excited. you ignored the slight unease you felt, and instead focused on the fact that this male- azriel- was absolutely gorgeous. it’s not everyday you have someone who looks like he was handcrafted by the mother ask you out.

“could i pick you up tomorrow? maybe 7?” his deep voice snapped you out of thought, and you nodded your head before replying, “sure. it’s a date.”

“it’s a date. i’ll see you later, y/n.” he turned to walk away, and the smile etched onto his face reflected the most happiness he’s felt in a long time.

i’m going to love you, y/n.

#azriel x reader #acotar #acowar #azriel #azriel fic #azriel shadowsinger #azriel x you #fanfic #acofas #acomaf #this is shitty #sjm fic #azriel/reader #imabookadict

[citizensofcradle]

IkePrince Suitors as Lewis Capaldi lyrics

Lewis Capaldi is one of my favorite musical artists and I was just struck with the urge to make this list one night!

I wanna give a little disclaimer that these are just in my own opinion. I also didn't pick whole songs because some of these songs I don't feel like they fit the characters as a whole while others might. Not gonna lie either I struggled with some of them so they might not be the best ones but oh whale.

I'm gonna put them under the cut though because if not this is gonna be a huge text wall on feeds! On another note, I hope ya'll enjoy these!

Jin- "'Cause I'm not ready, to find out you know how to forget me, I'd rather hear how much you regret me, And pray to God that you never met me, Than forget me, Oh I hate to know I made you cry, But love to know I cross your mind, Babe oh I, Even after all it'd still wreck me, To find out you'd know how to forget me" -Forget Me

Chevalier- "Lately, I'm getting lost on you, You got me doing things I never thought I'd do, Never spent so long on a losing battle, But lately giving up don't seem to matter, Every day, I'm a slave to the heartache, And you're wasting away every night, I don't wanna leave you lonely, But I've run out of love this time, You know that I adore you, Though I couldn't give enough, Hope you'll be safe in the arms of another, 'Cause I can't take the weight of your love" -Lost On You

Clavis- "Will you forgive me if I'm coming off a little bit obtuse? Well, it's been a minute now since I have had to tell the truth, I know I can, I won't, Suppose I thought that by this moment I would have it figured out, But instead, I tend to spend my days consumed by seeds of doubt" -How I'm Feeling Now

Leon- "Hope, have you some that I can borrow? 'Cause I've been so low, And the weight of all the world's a heavy load, Keep me going 'til tomorrow, 'Cause I just don't know if I can face another day alone, Well my lungs don't breathe, And my heart don't beat, And I can't believe in any kind of life without you here, And I can't move on, 'Cause it feels so wrong, No I just don't want any kind of life without you dear" -Any Kind of Life

Yves- "I can wear a million faces, 'Cause I don't like the one underneath, Always found it easy to fake it, Yeah, I'll be anybody but me, To tell you the truth, I'm the fraud in the room, And I know that, But you never will, In my mind, it's instilled not to show that, I spend almost all of my time, Feeling like I'm falling even further behind" -The Pretender

Licht- "I’m not ready to be just another of your mistakes, don’t wanna let the pieces fall out of place, I was only just a breath removed from going to waste, till I found salvation in the form of your grace, your grace, your grace, don’t take it away" -Grace

Nokto- "You saw me different then, oh, when I held your heart in my hand, so, if you’re gonna leave me, just leave me slowly, let’s make it last, just one more dance, before the moment’s passed, I’d rather that you lay here than leave me lonely" -Leave Me Slowly

Luke- "I've been holding on to hope, That you'll come back when you can find some peace, 'Cause every word that I've heard spoken, Since you left feels like an hollow street, I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind, But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind, Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side" -Bruises

Sariel- "I wish somebody would've told me, That I'd end up so caught up in need of your demons, That I'd be lost without you leading me astray, Guess that I'm a fool for the way that you caught me, Girl, you make my heart break more every day, But don't fade away" -Fade

Rio- "To tell the truth, I think you saved my life, givin’ my heart to you over to you would be no sacrifice, Oh lord, i ain’t afraid to die if it means I’m by your side, it would be such a heavenly way to say goodbye" -Heavenly Kind of State of Mind

Silvio- "Forget everything we've come to expect, It only serves to further fuck with our heads, And I don't wanna pretend this will all be alright in the end, mmm, So maybe now instead of balancing on the edge, We could put this to bed for good, Can call it quits or risk sinking with this broken ship, But I don't think we'd make it through, through, Now it's only the beat of my heart, That reminds me not to stare at the sparks, Can't set fire to my soul, Just to keep ya, keep ya, keep ya from burning alone" -Burning

Keith- "I bring her coffee in the morning, She brings me inner peace, I take her out to fancy restaurants, She takes the sadness out of me, I make her cards on her birthday, She makes me a better man, I take her water when she's thirsty, She takes me as I am" -Pointless

Gilbert- "You got your demons, spent seasons on the dark side of the moon, Don't try denying 'cause you know that I've been there too, Right now I know how it feels like the world's gonna end, But I'll get you through, If it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna love the hell out of you, Take all the pain that you're going through, I'll bring you heaven if that's what you need, 'Cause you've always loved the hell out of me" -Love the Hell Out of You

#I'm honestly kinda surprised I didn't use more of my fave lines from his songs than what I did #IkePri #Ikeprince #Ikemen Prince #not ikerev #Jin Grandet #Chevalier Michel #Leon Dompteur #Yves Kloss #Licht Klein #Nokto Klein #Luke Randolph #Sariel Noir #Rio Ortiz #Silvio Ricci #Keith Howell #Gilbert Von Obsidian #If I’ve made any mistakes on commas or whatever pls ignore I mostly just copy pasted the lyrics🥲😂

[lovelywritinglady]

Forget pt.1

Suguru Geto x fem!Reader

Angst, fluff

How you and Suguru Geto got together. And the first of many parts going over a timeline of how it all fell apart. How your love grew and how it went away after the years.

Your pov

Sitting in my clans house I began overthinking about the past. I’m grateful about where I am today as clan leader, but I can’t help but look bad on the past and the certain people I’ve lost. Where did it all go wrong? I’ve been asking myself that every day since he left. What exactly happened that caused him to change. All of those promises and declarations of love and loyalty are now dust in the wind. He use to be so sweet, caring, and kind. But from what we’ve heard, he’s now killing innocent humans and any sorcerer that doesn’t agree with his ideology. The man I knew would have never killed innocent people. He would’ve done whatever he could to save them. I remember him telling me how beautiful he thought they were. Was that all a lie? I don’t know the truth anymore and I don’t know if my Suguru is still there. My only comfort now are the beautiful memories him and I shared. If I could only go back to the days where he was mine and everything was simpler…

Years Ago in Jujutsu Tech…

Coming back from a mission covered in blood and cuts was not my idea of a good day. It was a tough mission that me and Suguru Geto were suppose to go on. Except he forgot, which is strange to me because we were both told in person about it yesterday. My guess is that he found a piece of ass that caught his attention. So much for friendship I guess. I feel slightly jealous that a random person could get his attention more than his actual friends. I dismissed my anger and went to get my wounds healed. I decided not to be angry too much. He was a kind person only when he wanted to be, hell he’s one of the strongest aside from Gojo. He probably thinks it’s beneath him. What an ass.

After I got my wounds healed, I went back to my room to take a needed shower. On my way there I thought about how the mission went and what I could do better next time. I need to rely on myself and my abilities more and I need to stop hesitating. I’m to be the next leader of my clan by some miracle. My father has no living brothers or any male heirs that have his abilities and my mothers abilities, so I’m the only choice he has. I have to be perfect or I’ll disappoint my entire family.

Just as I was about to reach my room I head rapid footsteps approach me. I turned around to see who they belonged to and to my surprise the flake himself showed up. Geto ran up to me with an apologetic look on his face and a box of some sorts in his hands. I felt like going in my room and locking my door, but knowing him he’d probably stand there knocking until I opened the door. So I turned to face him and began questioning his whereabouts.

“Where the hell were you today?” I questioned

“Sorry l/n, I was out today and lost track of time.” He spoke in labored breathes

“I’m sure you did, good night Geto” I spoke turning to open my door.

“Wait, here I got your favorite candies.” He spoke

“I would have preferred if you actually showed up today for the mission we had together. No worries though I handled it by myself” I deadpanned

“Please just take them as an apology.” He pressed

“Fine, just promise me that you’ll show up next time or tell me you aren’t coming. I’d rather not rely on someone who won’t show.” I said

“Fair enough, I’m still so sorry for flaking out on you” he apologized

“You’re forgiven, good night Geto”

Just as I was about to open my door and get some much needed sleep, I felt him grab my writs and pull me into a hug. I froze as he’d never hugged me before. The only touching we had done was accidentally brushing each others hands or helping each other up during missions. It felt good to be in his arms. I’m still so mad at him but I can’t help but feel so safe. He pulled away and looked into my eyes and my told me goodnight. He then walked away to his own room that was a few doors down. I care for him in a way I don’t think I should. My feelings aren’t something I’m proud of because there is no way he would feel something like that for me. He’s more interested in girls and killing curses to settle down for one person. I’m most likely going to be in an a arranged marriage anyway. I shook off my feelings and went into my room finally getting some much needed sleep.

The next day I walked into the cafeteria and saw Gojo and Geto stuffing their mouthes with their breakfast. I got my food and joined them. I didn’t make eye contact with Geto. I felt a sense of awkwardness in the air. I ate my meal as quickly as I could do to avoid conversation, but my desires were cut short when I heard an annoying voice speak.

“Soooo y/n how’d the mission go yesterday” Gojo spoke in a sing song tone

“Successful” I responded

“Sorry about keeping Geto yesterday, he was helping me with something yesterday” he spoke

“What things?” I questioned. I noticed Geto get visibly uncomfortable, which made me slightly angry.

“Well if you must know. This girl has been calling me nonstop and so Geto here volunteered to distract her for me” he said casually

“Hey!” Geto exclaimed slamming his hands on the table.

“What that’s what you did yesterday” Gojo said innocently

“Ah, so that’s what you were doing yesterday.I guess I was right. Can’t say I’m surprised Geto. Just wish you told me the truth you ass.” I spoke harshly

“L/n I’m sorry I-“ Geto began to speak

“I don’t want to hear it Geto, just tell me next time you’re not going to take care of your responsibilities instead of lying. See you later Geto.” I said while standing up and going to the training field. I needed some time to think about my feelings and what the hell was going through that boys head. I’d never know.

Suguru Getos pov

“Shit this is the last time I do any favor for Gojo. It my fault for accepting, but he threatened to say something to L/n that I would rather say to her myself. Selfish arrogant bastard. I still don’t know why I’m friends with him. I guess it’s because him and I are the strongest. Yeah, maybe that’s it or maybe I just like his company. Whatever it is Gojo Satoru is someone I consider a friend who just so happens to have blackmail on me. I guess I better act quickly. He’d definitely say something vulgar to her and that’s the last thing that I want.” I think to myself

“Heyyyyy Suguru?” Gojo whined

“Yes?” I questioned

“You should ask her out you know.” He states

“I hate that you know I like her.”

“I’m confused on why you do. Why settle for one girl huh?” He questioned

“Because unlike you, I’m not a womanizer. At least I try not to be. And I like her, she’s a strong woman with a kind heard. She’s also fierce when it comes to killing curses. I also find her extremely beautiful inside and out. So what’s not to like?” I stated

“True I guess. You do know that she’ll be a clan leader when she gets older, right?”

“Yes I know. But I can’t help the way I feel about her. I want to feel her, know her, grow with her, and be by her side.” I spoke honestly probably saying more than I should to Gojo.

“Is it because she saved your ass that one time?” Gojo questioned

“Fuck off!”

“Whatever man, as long as your happy” he spoke honestly

“Thanks, I just hope she doesn’t hate me. She might now because of yesterday. I tried making it up to her by getting her something, but I was stupid enough to believe that would work.”

“Nah man you gotta woo her and take her out. Spoil her a little you know.” Gojo said while stuffing rice in his mouth.

“Like you know anything about that.” I scolded

“True I’m not into dating, but I do know how to woo a woman,Suguru.” Gojo spoke

“I think I can figure it out on my own. L/n and I have been friends for a long time. I just hope she feels something for me too. Anyway I’m gonna go do some training”

“Why, we’re the strongest Suguru” Gojo spoke

“I know, but there is nothing wrong with a little training. And she’s not too far behind us you know. She’s way better at physical fighting than both of us combined. We’re only strong because of our techniques. I said

“Heh true that. Don’t overwork yourself Geto” Gojo spoke

“Yeah I won’t. See ya later.” I said while standing up to make my way to the training field.

I waved goodbye to my idiot friend and made my way to the training field. I needed to clear my head and make a plan to explain my feelings to her. Even if she didn’t want to be with me like that. I wanted her to know that I would always want to be near her, to grow beside her, and to see her become head of her clan. I want to see her succeed. I never imagined I’d ever care for anyone this way. I almost want to laugh at myself for how whipped I am for this girl. Gojo was right though. My feeling started when she saved my life. She risked hers to save mine form a powerful curse when we were first years. I was strong back then, but not as strong as the curse I was fighting. She managed to kill the curse and save me from getting killed. Ever since then I’ve desired her.

After a few minutes of walking, I was almost at the training field. I planned on just doing some light exercises and working on my technique a bit. As I was walking up, I saw her. She was there too and my heart felt like it was racing out of my chest. She looked so fierce and beautiful. I couldn’t help but stand and stare at her beauty. The way she moved was like water. She was graceful yet strong. I don’t know how long I stood there like an idiot but I was taken out of my trance when I heard her call my name.

“Hey Geto what the hell are you standing there for” she yelled

“Just watching. May I join you?” I questioned trying not to sound nervous

“Yeah, if you can keep up and no cursed energy” she spoke back with a smirk on her face.

One hour later…

“I give up you win” I said said holding my stomach that she just hit with her full strength.

“I told you Suguru, you can’t keep up with me. Your ability is slightly stronger than mine. But when it comes to actual combat you are simply inferior to me.” She spoke nonchalantly

“Yeah, very true” I groaned trying to get up.

“Mmm”

“L/n I’m really sorry for yesterday and this morning. I had no intention of hurting you.” I apologized again.

“It’s fine Suguru I already forgave you. Besides I just kicked your ass, so I’m doing much better.” She smiled which made me smile with her.

“L/n do you maybe want to go into town tomorrow? There’s this uh coffee shop I’ve been wanting to try.” I ask nervously

“Hmm, I don’t see why not. As long as your buying” she spoke

“Sure, it’s a date then” I say then realizing what I just said. I looked in her eyes to see if I made her uncomfortable but she didn’t seem fazed by my suggestion at all. She almost looked happy by it, but maybe that was my imagination.

“See you tomorrow Geto” she said waving me off with a small smile.

“See you tomorrow, L/n” I said with a small blush grading my features excited to spend the day with her tomorrow.

Thank you so much for reading❤️ this story will have multiple parts. I haven’t decided how many yet so stay tuned. Very slow updates.

Please feel free to request, comment, and reblog

Click here to see what I’ll write for and click HERE to see my master list.

•I do NOT own any characters except y/n•

-L.W.L

Part 1, Part 2

#getou suguru x y/n #geto x you #geto x reader #getou suguru x reader #suguru geto x reader #sugurugeto #jjk geto #geto x y/n #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen geto #jujutsu kaisen suguru #suguru geto #geto suguru #angst #fluff #anime #anime fanfic #geto fanfic #getou suguru x you #geto suguru x y/n #jujutsu geto #geto fluff #geto angst #suguru geto fluff #jjk suguru #x reader #self insert #jjk fic #jjk fanfic

[kookieswan]

Red Light - Unsecured

Nightmare!Hoseok x Psychologist!Reader

Word Count: 1.4k

Genre: Horror AU, Monster AU, Psychological horror, some sort of odd fluff lmao

Warnings: Nothing to bad, the usual general warning for Hoseok. It should be noted that this story will contain themes of horror/psychological horror and also explore obsessive behaviors and codependency. Many characters are morally gray. Please be warned!

Summary: Your first ever interview with a Nightmare, you can only hope things go well.

Notes: This is Part.2 of Black Sheep, although it can be read independently of course. I’m very much enjoying this series, so much so that I wrote another drabble in less than a day ♥️

This is the 4th part of the Red Light series. Find the Masterlist here ♥️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright, 061318. I’ve requested you be the first Nightmare I meet with, and so in theory, you’re my guinea pig. I hope that’s alright with you.” It’s a similar setup to when you met him a few days back, except you sit in a chair this time and make use of the speaker. He blinks up at you, looking all the same as yesterday in his black jumpsuit, smile all sharp teeth and pleasantries.

“So straightforward Doctor… I must admit, I’m surprised you’re being so truthful.” Adjusting the notebook on your lap, your lips twitch as you write his number at the top of the page. None of the others seemed to dislike you greatly, but 061318 had been the most conversational by far.

“There isn’t any reason for me to lie to you. You’re the first Nightmare I met, and so naturally I think it’s only fair I talk with you first.” It is the truth, since he was the first you met with, you figured you’d just go in order. You would have met with him sooner, but it had taken a few days to convince the others you were ready to meet with the Nightmares one on one.

“That’s quite alright with me Doctor. Perhaps this way, I can leave a lasting impression. Go ahead then, asks your questions.” As if he hadn’t already left a lasting impression on you, one that he shouldn’t have. Clearing your throat, you glance over some of the questions you and jotted down, but decided to mostly wing it. There’s been something you’re more than curious about anyway.

“First off, is there something I can call you other than 061318? It’s the only name you have on file, but…” The only name on file and the only name anyone else down here calls him by. The others as well, they all go by numbered names, not a single trace of what they might truly be called. 061318 shifts in his cell, a single wing stretching out behind his back.

“Mmh, I’d stick with that. The other doctors around here get cranky at anything else.” It makes your eye twitch involuntarily, because of course they would. Most of the personal here seems rather… Questionable, from what you’ve observed, but you let it slide. For now.

“Alright… I’ll be honest again, I have a whole slew of questions that I’d like to ask, so I’ll ask somewhat randomly today. But first, can you tell me how you’re currently feeling emotionally?” 061318 raises a brows but doesn’t look bothered, dark eyes staring back at you as you wait expectantly, pen clutched in your hand.

“Calm. Maybe a little giddy, I do get to see a newer face afterall. The last psychologist didn’t stick around long.” You stop mid note, curious about the other doctor. You heard whisperings, that he left mentally scared and declared that everyone here was crazy. You’ll know soon enough if he was telling a crumple of the truth or not, but your prod on for more details anyway.

“Oh? And why do you think that is?” 061318 roses slowly from his spot, and you note quietly that he doesn’t have to use any of his limbs to do so. You take the time to cross your legs, silently cursing the restrictions of your pencil skirt.

“Poor fellow couldn’t handle it. Well, he couldn’t handle 061309 to be more precise. That one’s a bit of a handful.” You had met 061309 yesterday, and he didn’t seem like one to be worried about. To be fair, that only makes you feel more on edge about him, and so you nod along at the man’s words.

“I see… Stemming from that, do you have any friends down here, anyone you’re close to?” 061318 noticed your glance toward his neighboring cell, grin returning as he leans against the wall that blocks him from yourself. His wings push outward then, spanning a majority of the cell. You note passingly that they look to be made up of feathers and… bone?

“061312 is my cell mate, the one next to mine. We speak regularly, he’s quite lovely, quite docile.” Again, you know this, having met the other Nightmare a few days back, and 061318’s words ring true. His cell mate had to have been the most calm and collected of the bunch, answering you quietly but with ease.

“Noted. I suppose I should ask, is there anything in particular you wish to speak about? These sessions may be about me learning about you, but I’m also here for you to vent to if so need be.” They might not have much freedom, but you do feel slightly bad about taking up their time for questioning. 061318 cocks his head to the side, grin turning sky as he continues to stare into your skull.

“May I ask you a question?” Pursing your lips, your shrug your shoulders and nod. It’s not a bad idea per se, letting him get to know you in a limited way, so you’ll allow it.

“Are you not bothered by all this? Being surrounded by monsters that could tear you into shreds? They left you in here all alone, just me and you.” All alone you are, the security standing outside, the cameras in here likely offline. You had been warned that the cameras turn off quite often, likely the doing of one or all of the Nightmares. Tapping your pen on your book, you think about it for a second before answering. 061318 doesn’t look bothered but your long pause, just curious.

“I am scared, but not as much as I thought I would be. If I’ve learned anything in the past few days, it’s that you all may be Nightmares, but you’re also just people.” Both eyebrows raise at this, but the man remind quiet, wings slowly retracting toward himself. He clearly wants more, staying quiet as you try to communicate your thoughts clearly.

“Not people in the classical sense, but you think and emote, have thoughts and feelings. I’m aware you all have abilities that are of concern to most, and yet… It doesn’t deter me. I still wish to understand your minds deeper, to understand how you think.“ Things, the way they’re run down here, aren’t the best. But it’s not going to stop you, not yet and not for the foreseeable future. 061318 stands tall then, towering over your form even from where he stands.

“I must say… You’re a peculiar one Doctor. I can’t say I’ve ever heard any of the others compare us to humans or feel bad about taking our time.” It makes you furrow your brow a bit. Of course, they aren’t human, but they’re not even close to being lesser than. It’s easy enough to do compare 061318 when he resembles one of the most attractive people you’ve ever seen…

“I-“ Before you can reply properly, another Doctor, Andrews, bursts through the door. He looks a mess, sweat running down his forehead as he gasps for air. It’s disgusting but you try your best not to react rudely to the situation; you don’t like being interrupted during your sessions.

“Dr._____, I-I’m sorry to cut this short but there’s b-been a bit of a disturbance. I’d like you to come with me please.” The man quite literally runs out of the room, you’re only like if security following him. So much for safety. Sighing, you close your book and stand up, adjusting your skirt and coat before giving 061318 a small wave and turning to leave.

“Hoseok.” You’re already halfway out the door when you hear the words quietly uttered, so soft you barely make it out. Turning back, your eyes widen slightly as 061318’s appearance. It’s changed slightly, black lines running across his body, wings somehow larger, what looks to be gashes below his eyes.

“I’m sorry?” You try your best not to outwardly react at that, but also at the new information you had learned. A name, something you can call him, something that no one else cares to. Something you’re not sure he shares with others so easily…

“Hoseok, Doctor. You may call me Hoseok.”

#red light ♥️ #hoseok x y/n #hoseok x reader #hoseok x you #hoseok fluff #bts x y/n #bts x you #bts x reader #bts fluff #bts horror au

[outoutdamnspark]

I just found this in my drafts and I don’t remember writing it or where exactly I was going with it, but hey! Have some random Gardenshipping thoughts!

(cw: none. one minor suggestive mention of office stuff. under cut for length)

For all the silverfox!Emmet x Reina stuff I’ve thought of, for some reason I’ve never thought of Reshiram!Emmet x Reina before? So...

🔥 I imagine Emmet is an aspect of Reshiram - not the god-dragon in full, but a piece of it. He’s probably reincarnated several hundred times by now, as the mortal aspect of Truth, and has memories of all his previous mortal incarnations as well as Reshiram’s memories and probably even a good chunk of Kyurem’s. The man is A Mess™️, especially after Ingo, his twin, his brother, his other half (platonic, don’t make it weird), vanishes. After all, what is Truth without Ideals to give it purpose?

🔥 That’s why, when he meets Reina and she becomes his personal assistant at Gear Station, he gravitates towards her. Just like in Gardenshipping canon, he starts to fall for her because of her genuinely kind and caring nature; she also has no idea he’s a piece of a fucking god, so she just treats him like a normal person. Not a celebrity trainer, not a deity, just. As Emmet. And he soaks it up like a man dying of thirst. Here’s this beautiful young woman who truly doesn’t care what or who he is, she just wants to make sure he’s eating and sleeping and taking care of himself. How can he not be intrigued by her?

🔥 He can also smell dishonesty a mile away and he can tell Reina is just actually that good of a person. Sure, she lies about her living situation (she doesn’t tell him that she’s unhoused for the longest time), but I’d imagine Emmet can also tell the intent of a falsehood, so he probably picks up on the fact that any lie she tells is born from the need to survive, rather than malice or the desire to mislead. She isn’t hurting anyone - she just wants to keep her misfortunes private, and Emmet can... sooooort of understand that? (He might not like it, it makes him worry about her, but in the end it really only affects Reina herself, which makes Emmet bound and determined to get to the bottom of her problems and help her in any way he can. The man is SMITTEN.)

🍃 On Reina’s side, I honestly don’t think she’s all that religious; Reina is from Kanto originally, and she has a lot of internalized stuff from the local belief system (i.e. she’ll say things like “Legends” or “Birds” in place of “Arceus” or “Dragons”). She’ll probably still have a subconscious desire to believe in something, but she doesn’t actively practice anything. Also, having only been in Unova for a couple of years at most, she might not really understand the region’s religion all that much. She probably doesn’t really think about it - which. Valid.

🍃 That being said, she would probably not know how to handle being face to face with a literal piece of a deity. For starters, her entire worldview would be - at the very least - a little bit shaken. After all, if you go from nearly thirty years of disillusionment and not fully believing in anything because you’ve been through absolute hell, to suddenly finding out the man you’re in love with (and who’s been railing you over his desk every day) is the Incarnation of Truth, you miiiiiight need a moment to process.

🍃 (That last part, especially, because how on earth do you reconcile the fact that you’ve had an actual god between your legs?)

🍃 Reina already has hella self worth issues, so to find out that her boyfriend isn’t even human, she might not handle it well for a while. In her eyes, what could a god possibly see in a lowly human like her? She still loves him, that part will never change, but she’ll have to take some time to try and reorient before she can even work up the courage to go near him again.

🔥 Emmet, in the meantime, is going to be utterly distraught. He’ll put on his trademark Subway Master Emmet smile, but it’ll be hanging on with a hope and a wish, because he is not doing okay knowing that the love of his life might be terrified of him now. He can’t lie, no, but he’s gotten really, really good at talking around the truth after countless lifetimes, so anyone that asks how he’s doing is getting a series of non-answers until he can slip away. Reina makes him feel normal, human almost, which is something he’s never fully gotten to experience - because while he might be a shard of a Dragon, he’s still somewhat his own entity, since he’s, you know, actually out in the world of man and not sitting dormant in a rock somewhere. He’s constantly torn between two halves of his own existence, and the thing that made it bearable all this time was his twin; with Ingo gone, however, Emmet has been feeling the extra weight of responsibility around his shoulders like a yolk for damn near a decade.

🔥 Until Reina.

🔥 (Like in regular Gardenshipping canon, one of the reasons Emmet falls for Reina is because she just treats him like a person. Doesn’t fawn, doesn’t get close to him just to challenge him, doesn’t pity him; just sits with him and lets him be a regular guy.)

🔥 I’m also imagining the way Reina even finds out Emmet is one of the God Dragons of Unova is uhhhhhhh not the most pleasant of circumstances. Probably Team Plasma, but I’m picturing there being some sort of siege on Gear Station or an attack somewhere that requires Reshiram’s attention, and somehow, someway, Reina winds up witnessing Emmet with his more draconian features and spewing ethereal fire. Get that sweet, sweet ‘oh shit’ moment with Emmet turning around, eyes slitted and glowing, claws out, wings sprouting from his back, fire still trickling from between fangs too big for a human mouth, only to see Reina standing there, completely frozen, just staring at him. 

🔥 The follow-up conversation is gonna be... a lot.

🍃 I feel like it’ll take about a week or so for her to be able to talk to him again

#gardenshipping #subway master emmet #emmet x oc #oc reina kageyama #reshiram!emmet

[monin1ca]

Hello~ hope youre having a wonderful day!

Can you make a Yoru ff where fem reader, Yoru and some other agents were playing truth or dare, and reader dared Yoru to sing, but he refused. So later Yoru came into readers room to sing "Shinunoga E-Wa" and reader knows the meaning of the song, so they realize that the riftwalker likes them :D

Word count:740  Warnings: Nothing Just fluff :’) WOOOHOOOOOO I ENJOYED WRITING THIS

Why was he here again?

Yoru asks himself; it was a quiet night at the protocol. Well, aside from the fact the younglings were playing truth or dare at full volume. So many secrets were revealed during this game, and lots of stupid things were done. Cypher was having so much fun listening to and watching them. Though- this night wasn't a bad one; the attention turned to Yoru. It was his turn to be asked the question, “Truth or Dare?” Y/N excitedly asks, but he hesitates. “Dare?...” The other agents weren’t used to this Yoru, his voice that was usually heard with arrogance. Is now soft and meek; was he perhaps hiding something? 

“Ya know, Yoru,” Y/N began, “I’ve never heard you sing before!” The crowd begins to chatter and murmur in agreement and excitement, “So I dare you to sing!” Y/N smirks at the rift walker, but he wasn’t having any of it “W-what? You idiot, I never wanted to be here anyway.” He stands up, clearly in a rush to leave. “C’mon now, fam! That’s no fun!” Phoenix interjects; Yoru doesn't care and just flips off the latter. The others were left hanging, the anticipation killing them. ‘Was he good at singing and was just shy?’ or ‘Does he suck at singing? Even so, they probably won't judge’

The duelist rushes off to his room, loudly shutting the door behind him. He scavenges his room for his cigarettes and lighter; once found, he walks to the balcony and begins smoking. Whilst smoking, he thinks about his actions. He was a… mediocre singer; he didn’t sound bad at all! He had a chance to show off to his friends and, most especially, Y/N!  He blows out the smoke with so much frustration. Why did he walk out? Whatever, it doesn't matter; he plans on making it up to her.

Sometime later, after rehearsing what he wants to sing to you. Yoru gains the courage to walk to Y/N’s door. He softly knocks on her door, the tension in his body so strong it could kill him. He hears sluggish footsteps approaching the door; Yoru inhales and brings out his usual demeanor; Y/N opens the door, “Oh? Yoru? Whatcha doing here?” She drawls; it was clear she was kinda sleepy. “I’m here to make it up to you, idiot.” Though confused, she let Yoru into her room. She pats her bed, motioning for him to sit beside her.  He sits down and begins speaking, “Im here to make it up to you by... singing,” The rift walker says begrudgingly, Y/N squeals; surprised at his change of heart. “Well? Go on then!”

The male inhales slowly, “指切りげんまん ホラでも吹いたら 針でもなんでも 飲ませていただき (Pinky swear if I do tell a lie I'm willing to swallow needles or anything on) Monday, It doesn’t matter if it's Sunday.”  Ah, Y/N knew this song very well. Mostly because of TikTok but at some point, she was very fixated on this song ever since it became popular, she knew the English lyrics by heart at this point even the meaning. “鏡よ鏡よ この世で1番 変わることのない 愛をくれるのは だれ (Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Who would give me the most fairest love of them all) No need to ask cause it's my darling.” 

His voice was so different from his usual speaking voice. It was so mellow, soft and so enchanting. She could tell the man in front of her was pouring his heart out into this song. “わたしの最後はあなたがいい  (いい) あなたとこのままおサラバするより 死ぬのがいいわ 死ぬのがいいわ 三度の飯よりあんたがいいのよ (いい) あんたとこのままおサラバするよか 死ぬのがいいわ 死ぬのがいいわ (I want you to be my last If I had to keep being separated from you like this, I’d rather die, I'd rather die, I choose you over three meals a day, If I had to keep being separated from you like this, I'd rather die, I'd rather die,)”

Y/N was stunned, did he.. Really like her? Yoru stops singing, noticing the realization on her face. She pulls the duelist into a warm and loving hug, “I think I fell in love with you, even more, Yoru.” Yoru smiles, something he never did often. “Is this a yes?” He asks, just to make sure- “Yeah, I like you too Yoru.”

Author’s Note - HELLO I DUNNO IF I NAILED THIS DOWN CAUSE I FELT THE FORMAT WAS WEIRD, NONETHELESS I HOPE YOU ENJOYEDDDDD

#valorant jett #valorant sova #valorant viper #valorant headcanons #valorant imagines #valorant x reader #yoru x reader #valorant #valorant fanfiction

[always-coffee]

The Kind That Might Drown a Man

I have a piece of art that I love. It’s a siren, clearing drowning a man. It was painted by an artist who I considered a friend, who I spoke to nearly every day for three years. He used a rather artsy photo I had taken as a reference photo, with permission. (If we are mutuals, you may ask to see it.)

I was elated when he wanted to use my photo, to make art out of a piece of art (photos are art) I was proud of. I said yes, immediately. He was going to do a series of mythological characters, and I'd be the perfect siren.

When he showed me a photo of the finished piece and also when he posted it, I was happy. Then, he sent the original painting to me as a gift. I was over the moon. It felt cool. I felt cool. Seen, valued. It did something to combat an old wound of mine.

In the past, artists—people who I thought were friends, but who were only ever actually interested in getting into my pants (nooooope)—had asked to paint me. Reference photos were even sent. But the interest quickly fizzled when they realized that what was on offer was only friendship. It wasn't good enough, so those connections faded like sun-seared fog. No one is required to make art of someone, but when something flattering turns out to be wildly disappointing it is, at best, weird. At worst, it’s dehumanizing.

But back to the point: my friend made gorgeous art out of a photo I dearly loved of myself. It felt good, and I felt special. Fast-forward to years later, and I have severed that friendship. It turns out that, despite all the conversation and all the camaraderie and even the co-working we did together, he was a liar.

There were things he casually and purposefully lied about for no discernible reason. And when I discovered the truth, it gutted me. It felt worse than a romantic breakup in a lot of ways. I don’t like being lied to. At all. Tell me the awful truth, and I’ll deal with it. But purposefully, repeatedly, and knowingly abuse my trust? Absolutely unforgiveable.

I’ve spoken elsewhere on the internet about the details of the lies—the utter pointlessness of them. (Imagine, for instance, lying about who redid the landscaping in your backyard.) It was during the pandemic where we began talking in earnest, having entered each other’s orbit through a mutual friend in the art world. He seemed safe. We shared good news with each other, vented about the insanity of the world, swapped cute animal photos and funny memes. But the context of it all was impossibly and completely different than what I was told. The curated image I was given was a lie. Things were deliberately kept from me, information was twisted and distorted—and the kicker was that he lied to other people about me.

Again, for no reason. We’d done professional work together, and it was very public! And very fun at the time. But he apparently claimed we weren’t friends. The moment things started to feel wrong between us was easy to brush aside. Easy to explain away. Easy to understand. He was stressed, job hunting. I was dealing with myriad stresses of my own. No relationship is unmarred by life’s more than occasional weirdness. It’s easy to shrug things off. To ascribe to something banal, innocent.

Then, the truth came out. And honestly, I’m still sifting through the ramifications. The ways the deceit stuns me, even now, not just in the moment. How it felt peculiar to suddenly and wildly not know someone.

In the moment, I took the piece down. I put it away. I didn’t want to look at it. I couldn’t. It was too big of a reminder. It felt like mockery. Because what was it all about? What was the point of any of it? (These are questions that will never have answers.) I was—and still am—angry. Angry at the broken trust. The carelessness of it all. The cruelty too, so unnecessary in its articulations.

But what do I do with the art? Initially, I thought I’d burn it dramatically like Sylvia Plath and the letters. Or chuck it in the trash, as symbolic gesture of getting rid of it all, of closure. (Because there is none of that here, and that is fine. I do not want it. Nothing said could fix or mend or ease.) Getting rid of it, however, feels wrong.

It’s still beautiful. It’s still art. It’s still me.

But for now, it won’t hang where I can see it. It will not be a reminder of heartbreak and betrayal. It will not sit a monument to a lost friend, who was such a small, sad creature in the end. Because to act with such malice—and there was malice in the threads of it—is not the act of a kind or good heart. And I do not have space in my life for anything other than warmth and genuineness.

Someday—I don’t know when—I’ll put it out of the dark and either hang it up or give it away. Someday, maybe someone I love will want it, and I will want to give it to them. A moment of captured beauty, the kind that might drown a man—offered with love.

I’m glad I didn’t burn it, even as I am glad to have burnt that bridge.

#art #artist #friendship #betrayal #humans are weird #sometimes in the bad way #siren #siren painting #ali trotta #poet #hurt #relationships #I really hate being lied to #what to do when the feelings are hard #truth #trust