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officialtgss · 3 years

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Good morning my friends. It’s a beautiful day in this beautiful world we are blessed to call home. And it is with immense gratitude that I share this week’s article post!

One of the most common questions I get from young men is:

"What do women want?”

Most men today are utterly clueless as to the answer. And if that’s you, it’s not your fault.

Our media gives us a picture of romance and dating that’s wholly out of step with reality. Not to mention many of us, when we were young, were told ‘just be yourself! Just be you and she’ll like you!’

And then we grew up and realized none of it was true.

The partner you select has huge implications for the health, happiness, and prosperity of your family. You’d never start a business without choosing the right partner. Why should your family be any different?

Save Your Sons wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t arm our young men with the information they need to be confident in selecting their partners. In order to do that, we have to:

1. Teach what type of man you need to become to be attractive to women

2. Teach what to look for when selecting a long-term partner or spouse

3. Teach what you can do to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse over a lifetime (hint: be the man that attracted her in the first place)

The truth is women are actually very logical about how they select their partners. And you can become the type of man who will increase his selection of women by following a simple framework.

I share the framework that worked for me and many others in the July edition of Save Your Sons University @SchoolOfStevie. You’ll get a step by step process for becoming the type of man women are most attracted to. I recorded the accompanying audio lecture for July’s course over Father’s Day weekend (God bless my family for sitting through it 😂).

It’s about an hour long, and full of practical information that will give you everything you need to increase your dating options. Go ahead and sign up if you haven’t already!

As for this week’s essay, let’s take a look at what not to do.

If your goal is to be attractive to women, and to find a partner who will walk with you through your life, the first thing you should do is stop chasing women.

Yes there is a time and place for approaching women. Yes you need to be confident and sociable when speaking with women. Yes you need practice in these areas (and lots of it).

But the most important thing you should do before you worry about any of that, is to pour your energy into yourself.

Because right now odds are good you’re using just a fraction of your full potential. And access to the life you want (your choice of women included), can only be unlocked by increasing the amount of your potential you’re using.

Your options will be limited until you increase your value. No matter what you desire, (wealth, status, women, houses, etc.) the greater you make yourself, the more options you’ll have.

Because in its simplest form, what women want is value. And they aren’t unique in that way either. ALL people are attracted to value. Success itself is attracted to value. Our value (what we are capable of contributing to the world), is what makes us valuable (how the world views and treats us). And you can only increase your value by working on yourself.

The best way to do that?

Start by working backwards.

Start by understanding who you need to become. Create a vision of your ideal self. Create a vision of what your life will look like when you’ve become your ideal self. And then identify the benchmarks and objectives along the way that will get you there.

When it comes to attracting women, there are a few easy to measure benchmarks you can track to gauge your progress. They all require relentless honestly and self awareness. Only when you know where you stand can you know where to go.

Over the years I’ve condensed these benchmarks into an easy to follow 5 part framework. In July’s course, we’ll go through each part of the framework in detail. We’ll explore what each part means, and what you can do in your daily life to pass your benchmarks.

To get July’s course (which includes the framework and explanations and examples of what you need to do to be successful), click the green button below. You’ll also get June’s course immediately when you sign up (“How you look matters”).

Take me to Save Our Sons University

I’ll say it again, because it bears repeating: your choice in partner will have MASSIVE implications on your future. The right woman, walking in lockstep with you as you guide and nurture your family, is one of the greatest blessings in this life.

And in order to find a high caliber partner, you need to be a high caliber man. The better you make yourself, the better your options. In all areas of life.

Thank you for reading, and as always,

God bless you, until next time,

SoS

#Manhood #lifeprotips #lifestyle #livelovewrite #real life

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lexisknight-blog · 4 years

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My Path to Redemption is book two that I’ve barely giving any attention to other than cover designs and eight chapters.

This is the second cover I’ve designed for the story and I must admit I’m a lot happier with this one than the original concept as this one plays more with the theme of struggling and slowly giving up on ones self as they no long know what to do or if they can carry on living this way.

I’ll say this much the character deals with themes and in a way I made his life the hardest of all my characters in my series but he will always be one of my favourites and I can’t wait to work more on his story in the coming months.

#writer #lexisknight #wattpad #wattpadwriter #coverdesign #booktwo #writewhatyoufeel #writewhatmakesyouhappy #thestruggle #life #workinprogress #livelovewrite

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authorindrafrost · 4 years

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Cover and blurb reveal Coming Soon!!!! #authorsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #authorlife #writerlife #newrelease #newreleases #author #authors #writer #writers #reverseharembooks #read #reader #readers #authorforlife #readerforlife #readerforever #authorforlife #authorforever #livelovewrite #urbanfantasybooks #urbanfantasy #reverseharemwriter #reverseharemreads #books #booksaremylife #bookstagram #book #bookmagic https://www.instagram.com/p/B7FwwuJDQhN/?igshid=1dneuhe8mkkms

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amazinglyartisticaura-blog · 7 years

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Life can be as short as it wants to be. And you can still live as long as you want to.

amazinglyartisticaura

#LiveLoveWrite

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friedsaladbananastatesman-blog · 6 years

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“Let her sleep, for when she wakes — she will MOVE •••M O U N T A I N S!•••” #shespeakstruth #Truth #LiveLoveWrite #caligraphy #Rest #SelfCare #Love #FaithToMoveMountains #LoveThatChangesThings #LoveLikeJesus This was done with @pilotpenusa ♥️🖋! #JesusTaughtMe #craftiesst #wecraftdifferent #CraftForJesus (at Fresno, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn7BTPEABAq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7ouetqkiinoj

#shespeakstruth #truth #livelovewrite #caligraphy #rest #selfcare #love #faithtomovemountains #lovethatchangesthings #lovelikejesus #jesustaughtme #craftiesst #wecraftdifferent #craftforjesus

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trumpetnista · 2 months

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#calendar post #personal #march #2024 #my birthday month #oh hot dayum...this is my jam!#bone thugs n harmony #wake up wake up wake up #it's da 1st of month...#gif mashups #LiveLoveWRITE #trumpetnista #spring

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trumpetnista · 1 month

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An early birthday present to me! I'm 31 on the 25th and I'm damned happy to be here. Also, this is yet another stride forward in my ongoing deprogramming journey! The bison on my right side is a BI-SON because I love bison and puns plus now that I'm Free and Out, I want everyone to know what I'm about. The Hello Kitty Gingerbread Cookie is a Memorial tat for my Daddy and for my Sara. When I was born, Daddy said I looked just like a gingerbread cookie which led to the nickname that was just for him: Cookie. Sara Elizabeth was stolen from us by an evil and rare brain tumor (DIPG) and she adored Hello Kitty. The icing and bow are their favorite colors: purple and pink, respectively.

The Cult I escaped from is the Jehovah's Witnesses and two of the main Rules they had was no Ink and no celebrating your birthday.

I SAY FUCK THAT AND FUCK THEM. I have reclaimed my time and my life from them and I'm never going back. I've always wanted tattoos and since my sheet music orchid healed beautifully, I returned to the same parlor and got the same excellent service and fair price.

They also helped me plan my next tattoos after my Caged Bird Free on my right tricep.

My right thigh is going to have a mural of an owl holding Medusa's head because Medusa got fucked over and I always felt bad for her. That and I'm a huge Mythology nerd. After tigers, bison, and cows, the owl is my favorite animal and it's a long time symbol of wisdom. I plan on returning to the artist who did my Orchid, although everyone in the parlor is very good.

My left tricep is going to have Venusaur with its flower in the bisexual flag colors. Bulbasaur has been my favorite Pokemon since I was a kid back in the day when there were only 150 and all its evolutions are awesome. The reason I came up with the idea is because my tattoo parlor is a station for Pokemon GO, adding bonus points to how much I love it. Plus, it's literally down the street from my house. Support your local businesses, folks!

I have some transparent waterproof bandages on the way and I have plenty of Shea butter to tend to them as I heal. I have to go out and get a travel size for when I'm at the gym and I'll probably do that while I get some more extra strength Tylenol and Gatorade for the gym.

My Fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass for the last 2 months but I'm already putting my doctors on the case and 2 new pain management docs are on standby if they can't help me. I have an appointment with my surgeon to talk about more nerve ablations and to get my weight loss supplement refilled or replaced because since I haven't been able to get refills, I gained everything I lost back and then some. Thankfully, I have a consistent gym routine and I've adjusted my diet so I know the weight gain is because of that because before I ran out, I was dropping weight slowly but steadily.

I am LIVING for The Ones Who Live. It's literally a Richonne fanfic novel come to life and it's doing 2016, Pre Negan numbers so hopefully, we'll get a Season 2 and/or a movie. It's literally leaving money on the table if they don't! Plus, Andy and Danai are in the writer's room and it shows on and off camera. They understand and love their characters as much as we do and it's just refreshing! The Walking Dead is exciting AND sensible again, LMAO!

ALSO, I saw that The Admiral has joined the original Law and Order as Jack McCoy's successor. The only actor I love more than Andrew Lincoln is Tony Goldwyn so I might pull up. My main Law and Order has always been SVU and now Organized Crime since their Leads are just as entwined as the shows buuttt, I love Tony. He's a sweetheart and can you guys imagine if they put Kerry on as a guest star linked to him??? I know she's got her own projects going on but an Olitz reunion would be so cool, especially since Elliot and Olivia ARE STILL NOT TOGETHER! Jeez, just let them fuck and love each other fully! God-DAMN!

Anyway, that's what I've been doing. I'm still working on my fanfics, I promise but I gotta take care of IRL business before I can really get back in action. I AM live tweeting The Ones Who Live (my handle is Trumpetnista) so if you wanna hang out and get more updates regularly, that's where I am.

Peace and Chicken Grease, ~*Trump*~

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trumpetnista · 6 months

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Another step in my deprogramming journey! Happy Halloween!

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trumpetnista · 6 months

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ANOTHER 1000 POSTS!

215K and counting! Thank you to all 2,788 of you guys (plus everyone in my activity chart area…) for following, enjoying, and tolerating LiveLoveWRITE for all of these years (as of 5 January 2022, it’s been 12 years since I joined Tumblr! Wow!) down various fandom rabbit holes, through The Great Tumblr Purge of December 2018 (which didn’t work properly to nobody’s surprise. JUST DELETE THE PORN BOTS, PEDOPHILES, AND THE NAZIS, YOU IMBECILES! PROBLEM SOLVED FOREVER.), through the latest change of owners/dubious U.I. changes (I give it 6 months to a year before they give up on their “investment” and leave with their tail tucked between their legs…) and my ongoing evolution into a pale blog with a heavy focus on cottagecore and its various branches nowadays.

I would also like to give a very special shout-out to The Walking Dead/Richonne/Carnid folks who have welcomed me with open arms into their post apocalyptic world (what’s left of it after all the absolutely EXCELLENT writing…), the GOTHAMITES who have welcomed me as a lifelong citizen (the show may be over now but Gotham will always be my home!), and as always, mad love to all of the Gladiators who still follow me despite the show (mercifully!) being over and those who keep enjoying my mashups on here and my ongoing efforts at clever (usually not, but it’s funny 9 times out of 10…) live and before/after the show commentary on Twitter for both old and new fandoms. The acceptance from everyone makes things infinitely more fun around here! Here’s my favorite owls and some other appropriate pics and here’s to at least a thousand more!

#personal #12 years of tumblr!#another 1000 posts!#LiveLoveWRITE #THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING!#i HEART all of y'all!#y'all the real mvps #THANK YOU SO MUCH!#trumpetnista is grateful...#internet friends are real friends!#black tumblr #pale blog #fandom blog #ex jehovah's witness #O.G. tumblr user #tumblr purge survivor #gif mashups #trumpetnista

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trumpetnista · 10 months

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CMW2/Trumpetnista: Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going

Hi, everyone! It's been a long time. I want to let you all know that I'm okay. I know that proof of me still being around has been here since I still do my weekly Wednesday posts and calendar posts. I also updated my Profile after I turned 30 (holy shit, I’m 30! I’ve been on here since 2010!) but I haven't posted like this in a very long time. I still love writing and that my stories haven't been abandoned despite what it looks like. Things in my life have changed significantly, which I’m finally ready to go into detail about for myself and for people who have been wondering what happened to me, if there are even people who were wondering to begin with. I hope so. This is a very long post so I’m gonna put a READ MORE after the lighthearted part so you guys don’t have to read a wall of pretty grim text. TLDR: despite many, many things that have changed in my life, I’ll be returning to writing on FFN, AO3 (when it gets fixed), and posting chapters/fics from there here very soon. I’m making this post to help me keep this promise. I’ll be updating stories, finishing stories, and writing new ones so if you’re interested, please stick around on here, follow me on FFN/AO3 (CMW2), and on Twitter (Trumpetnista) to stay up to date. Thanks for all the years of support and friendship. I love you all. Have a good one!

REASON FOR MY ABSENCE #1: In September 2022, I had a psychotic break and I was hospitalized for a week. At the time, I was drinking heavily and vaping cannabis to the point of addiction and lung damage. The vaping started as pain management for fibromyalgia but quickly snowballed into self medicating. During my time in the hospital, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 which is Bipolar with Mania, which explains so much. It explains a lot of my behavior as a child that I was shamed and punished for. It explains how I approach my relationships with my family and the few friends I have online and IRL. Most of all, it explains my way of approaching fandom. It explains a lot about where my previous energy came from when it came to producing content.

I was not only genuinely passionate about my fandoms and ships (which I still am!) but looking back on things, a lot of the time, I was in Mania and I didn't have the meds or the professional mental support I needed. I knew that I had depression and anxiety. I knew that I struggled and still struggle with suicide ideation. I knew that fibromyalgia had a negative effect on my mental health and cited that as the reason for my writing slowing down, which I explained in my previous MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR on my FFN profile, which I’ll be updating with this first part of this text post for my friends/readers on there but I didn’t know what was happening to me. I knew something wasn’t right in my head but I wrote it off as what I just listed above and as another effect of the grief I felt from losing one of my baby sisters from brain cancer in 2016. Fortunately, I already had a therapist and a psychiatrist so it was only a matter of finding the correct medications and adjusting my cognitive behavior therapy to deal with my condition.

I used writing as a way to vent about what I was frustrated about in fandom and in real life (which you probably already knew from my patented rambling Author’s Notes, LMAO!) and as escapism, which is good in moderation. I didn’t have any moderation so I stopped altogether. Now that my treatment is going well and I’ve learned to have middle gears instead going from 0 to 100, I want to return to writing. It’s still a coping mechanism for the chaos in my life but it’s no longer a crutch. Plus, I really want to finish/update some of my stories that haven’t been touched for years at this point. I also have new ideas for old fandoms that I’ve returned to, new fandoms, and ideas for impending content.

REASON #2 FOR MY ABSENCE: I have been in the process of deprogramming myself from being raised in a Cult. From the age of 8 to when the pandemic hit, I was part of the Jehovah's Witnesses. You'd never know it through my writing/tweeting or how I behaved when I was in my later years of schooling/with my fandom friends, which I'll get back to in a minute.

In my heart of hearts, I always knew that what I was learning and doing was wrong. For every thing that made sense, there were several things that didn’t. Plus, my social anxiety made the preaching work that JWs are known for downright unbearable to do to the point of me stopping except for the bare minimum. I didn't get solid proof that what I believed was wrong until my older sister and almost all of my younger siblings left in 2020. When I asked them why, I found out about the long time corruption in highest parts of the organization. There's greed, fraud, and large scale emotional manipulation through teachings, not from the Bible but teachings that came from propaganda. Typical Cult things. I was very upset but willing to learn more because like I said, deep down, I had a feeling that how I was living was wrong. What was my breaking point, what made me immediately leave without looking back, was finding out just how they feel about the safety of children from predators.

I watched To Catch a Predator Live when I was a child and ever since, I've had a zero tolerance for people who manipulate and abuse children for their own gratification. I have even less tolerance for those who cover for them instead of turning them in to the proper authorities. Naively, I thought that the sort of behavior that's been exposed in other religions/Cults wasn't a part of the Jehovah's Witnesses but I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. They indoctrinate those inside to forgive those who have done the heinous things because God demands it. For those outside, they just have really good PR in North America to keep their sickening ways mostly under wraps (which is thankfully changing to catch up with other regions) and a lot of those victimized by the Cult are shamed/threatened into silence whether they leave or not. Those who speak out after leaving are dismissed as nothing more than apostates.

It's not apostasy. It's The Truth, which ironically is what the witnesses call their teachings. People inside aren't rebelling and leaving just to cause trouble. It’s not “an attack on God’s People from Satan’s System of Things”. People are realizing that they've been manipulated and are escaping from a toxic environment, even when it costs them so many relationships, familial and social.

The only sibling that remains in the Cult is my autistic sister and I’m working on finding a way to get her out without destroying her mental health in the process. She is thoroughly indoctrinated and even in the face of all the evidence, I’m unsure if she’d actually listen. She may dismiss it all as apostasy and cut all of us off or she may become so devastated that her life would be in danger. She’s 24 years old and despite how our parents treat her, she’s not a baby nor is she stupid. She loves to do deep research on the things that interest her and the Cult is part of that. Eventually, she’ll stumble upon the information the rest of us have and she’ll have to make a decision. I’m hoping for the best but I’m prepared to get her through the worst. I’m not just her big sister, I’m her Caregiver and I will do my best to get her through when the time comes.

Another major thing that made me walk away from the JWs was the blatant homophobia. Even when I considered myself one of them, I never understood why they were so hateful and judgemental towards those who are part of The Alphabet. For as much they preached about showing love to all people, I didn't understand why they put such a big asterisk. I didn’t understand why. It didn’t make any sense. I hated hearing their views. I didn’t agree with them, even when I displayed ignorance, so I made a point not to behave like that in my interactions with LGBTQ+ individuals. I wanted to be a geuninely good person. I wanted to support my friends and family that trusted me enough to come out to me. I even said when they asked why I wasn’t cutting them off and I quote: “as many things that are wrong with me, I have no business judging anyone else.”

Plus, I myself am bisexual (and demisexual). I am. I am part of The Alphabet and I will no longer feel ashamed or embarassed about my identity. JWs are homophobic and it’s paired with purity culture so for years and years, I felt confused. I felt unnatural. I felt guilty. I felt like I had to hide who I was. I never want to feel that way again. Learning that the JWs were a Cult and just as corrupt as the other organized religions I wanted nothing to do with was my way out and my way Out.

I am free and even though it’s been difficult at times, I am so glad that I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not to please people who genuinely don’t give a shit about me. I’m being who I’ve always been online and in fandom from the age of 15. I’m being the person I was at school back in 2007-2011, who was the true me. A lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses kids give themselves the freedom to be themselves at school, which the Cult calls ‘living a double life’.

What’s made things easier for me in my deprogramming journey is that I’m not starting from scratch. I am so grateful for that. I’m grateful that I had people outside of the bubble I was in during junior high-high school to show me reality. I’m grateful that I had people to push me to do normal things like NHS and both sitdown and marching band. I’m grateful that I had people who accepted me for who I really was, even when I occaisonally felt guilty for my behavior. Ironically, the fictional worlds and fandom culture with attached friendships that I’ve been a part of this whole time prepared me for my current reality.

I still struggle with things like celebrating my birthday but I’m in a much better place than a lot of former JWs. I didn’t have any close friends in the Cult and the people in charge left me alone. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities and I wasn’t held up as an example for people to follow. All I had to do was stop going to meetings and preaching (which was such a relief to let go of) before telling my immediate family, which was the only fear I had. I was afraid of losing them because the doctrine says that you’re supposed to cut off people who leave, even if they’re family. I already went into detail about my siblings and their relationship with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Even though one of them is still involved, the bond between us all is stronger than the doctrine. I’m so happy to be able to say that. Not many people who leave can.

Now, let’s talk about my parents who have accepted the fact that most of us are Gone but I want to talk about them anyway because it factors into what’s going on with me.

Plus, as you’ve picked up by now, this post is both an announcement to friends/followers and the first of likely many journal entries. The majority of the journal entries are gonna be private with READ MOREs and DNIs so you can avoid them because they’re gonna be pretty grim 98% of the time.

My father has been a staunch believer for decades but recently, his health has taken a turn for the worse. In March 2023, he had complications from undiagnosed congestive heart failure. After being treated, he was transferred to a nursing home that neglected him to the point of him getting bedsores. One of the bedsores became a nasty open wound due to him being diabetic, leading to him needing a colostomy bag to prevent the wound from being infected further. He is currently bedbound and some of the procedures he’s gone through to save his life have gone directly against the JWs doctrines. Blood transfusions are against the doctrine but my mother has given him blood to save his life. Not to mention that very few people who claimed to be his friends have actually visited him in the facilities he’s been in. And those very few people have no idea about the blood transfusions because if they did, it’s likely that they’d heavily condemn him for accepting them. All he has at the end of the day is us.

Ideally, this situation would be a wake up call but my father is a narcissist. He’s never been able to admit when he’s wrong and there’s also the sunken cost fallacy. The JWs got into contact with him and my mother in the 80s and they’ve structured their whole lives around the doctrine. They gave him a family and a Community he lacked due to a bad childhood with a shitty mother in name only, no father, and a delinquent younger brother. They latched onto his vulnerability and gave him purpose. They also provided him with a steady source of people for him to be a narcissist with because for every person he’s alienated, inside and outside the Cult, there have been plenty of people to replace them. Accepting that the Witnesses are corrupt means admitting that he was wrong this whole time. It means that he’d have to accept that he as the Provider failed his wife and children in the worst way. It means that he’d have to be humble and get actual help for his years of trauma plus his narcissism. From what I’ve seen and heard over the years, it’s clear that he would rather die than do that. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

My mother’s situation is different. She is physically disabled and has been for years. She is diabetic and she is morbidly obese, as was my father before his recent illness. She’s been in a codependent relationship with my father for over 40 years and she is also a narcissist. It’s a hell of a combination. She’s basically followed my father’s lead this whole time while eventually alienating people, leaving her circle of friends to those within the Cult. I would have the same resignation for her that I have for my father, except for one major thing. Thanks to Ancestry. com, my older sister found her birth mother who had been looking for her for years. She’s gone from being an only child orphan to having a mother again and she now is the oldest of 5 siblings and counting. None of them have any connection to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and never have. They had normal lives with normal childhoods. Most of all, all of them are showing her unconditional love, which is something that she’s never experienced before. Not from her adoptive parents. Not from my father. Not from anyone.

My mother has not only been given a family outside the one she created with my father (and we all love her dearly. We really do, even with our ongoing frustrations with her...) but she has been given a way out of the Cult. She’s no longer isolated. Plus, Dad falling ill so quickly has forced her out of the bubble she’s been in since she stopped working back in 1999. She was told to stay home and raise us, which she honestly did not do. While Dad was at work, she shifted the day to day parenting responsibilities of the younger kids to myself and my older sister. Another thing that’s forcing her out of the bubble is all of us enforcing boundaries against her narcissism and learned helplessness.

We love her dearly but we are tired. Dad getting sick has shaken up all of our worlds. We emphasize with her but it’s come to a point where we can’t take much more, which is where her family comes in. Them being outside of the situation provides perspective that we haven’t been able to have. Through that perspective and the love that all of them are showing her, Mom is slowly (and I do mean slowly...) reaching out for professional help for her years of trauma. She has a therapist now and hopefully, that will lead to a psychiatrist that will give her proper medication because I am 98% sure that she is Bipolar as well. A lot of her behavior mirrors mine from before I was diagnosed and it had to come from somewhere.

In the process of getting professional help, through connecting with her biological family, and while dealing with what’s happened to Dad, I believe that she’s breaking away from the JWs. I honestly think that the only reason she’s stayed as long as she has is because she was following Dad’s lead. She may believe herself but since he’s been hospitalized, she has stopped going to the meetings. She’s stopped preaching and she’s been giving Dad blood, which again is directly against the JW’s doctrine. If she truly believed, she wouldn’t have done it. At least that’s the way I’m looking at things. I hope I’m right.

To wrap this post up and to give a TL:DR, I just want to say that my return to writing is a part of my healing journey. And my return to writing is for Me. I’m truly putting myself first for the first time in my life and part of putting myself first is giving myself permission to fully enjoy the things I love without guilt or hesitation. Thank you for reading.

#personal #LiveLoveWRITE #fandom blog #journal entry #trumpetnista #cmw2 #a return to writing is imminent #internet friends are real friends!#i HEART all of y'all!#family #deprogramming #ex jehovah's witness #mental illness #bipolar 1 #family dynamics #reunited family #healing from trauma

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trumpetnista · 2 years

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trumpetnista · 9 months

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Goodbye, Daddy. With love from Cookie.

August 3rd 1964 - August 15th 2023

As I mentioned a few journal entries ago, my dad had been sick and bedbound due to a bedsore that became an open wound. That open wound became septic down to the bone. While there were signs of it healing, his body could no longer take the stress it was under. The pain he was in was too intense. There was nothing more that could be done to help him medically. After discussing things with all of us, Dad was put into hospice care on the 8th. The IV drip was removed and he was put on a morphine/diluadid regimen to reduce his pain and aid his departure. Even after that, he kept fighting to stay with us. He didn't want to leave us. I know that in my soul but in the end? Loving someone is knowing when to let them go. We had to let him go so he could depart in peace, so he could be Free and out of agony.

This morning, at 2:30AM, he took his last breath.

My mom, my Aunt Paris, my younger brother, and myself were there. My big sister @dynamicspacebabe and her husband joined us shortly afterwards. Our whole family and several of his friends visited over the weekend and yesterday because we all knew that it would be soon. His kidneys had begun to fail. His brain was shutting down. He was no longer able to eat, drink, speak and during his last 48 hours, see us despite his eyes being open.

He could still hear us, though.

My mother had been playing music for him the whole time but in his last 48 hours, I took over as the DJ. Songs that he loved, songs from my childhood kept playing, and each one was deeply comforting, even the ones that made me sob. Eventually, I began singing to him, surprising everyone. I typically am not one to sing in public, despite having a pretty good voice, but I wanted him to hear me as much as possible. I wanted to let him know that I was still with him, even though I no longer had any words to say other that I loved him and that I would always be his Cookie.

His nickname for me happened on my birthday. According to the story, when I arrived, I looked like just like a gingerbread cookie. My mother's adopted father wanted to call me Pumpkin but that was promptly shut down. Too many stories about people getting into trouble involved someone known as Pumpkin, at least according to him, which was actually pretty accurate given that we lived in Gary, Indiana at the time. So, Cookie it was and Cookie it stayed. He was the only one who was allowed to call me Cookie. Cookie, it will remain for the rest of my life.

I know that I mentioned that I had conflicted feelings towards him. I know that I said that I was angry at him for his behavior towards me and my siblings as a parent in the past/present. I still have those feelings but they are outweighed by love. It was like that before he passed away and it will definitely be going forward. I won't pretend that it never happened. I won't rewrite history. I can't but I can have nuance. I can have balance. I can forgive but not forget. I can have empathy, not just for him but for my Mom.

Mom and Dad met when they at U of M in their late teens. They were together for 40 years. They were best friends and now, she's by herself for the first time since before they met. She still has us. She has her mother and siblings. She still has her true friends but I am terrified that we will lose her, too. Diane and I gave her resources to keep her here. Diane gave her the Suicide Prevention Hotline number and I told her how to use the crisis line at Easterseals, which I've been using frequently since the 8th. I also figured out how to check into a mental ward that's closer to home, not just for her but for myself.

I'm still afraid to be in a ward by myself but I have to be realistic. I have faced tragedy many times in my life. My family has faced tragedy many times but nothing on this level. Every time we've been through hell, Dad was always there. He supported us all as best as he could but this time? He is the tragedy and what makes things worse?

This could've and should've been avoided.

The nursing home who neglected my Daddy, murdered him. It's as if they pointed a fucking gun at him and shot him point blank. It wasn't congestive heart failure or diabetes that took him away. It was them.

If it wasn't for their callousness, their lack of professionalism, their utter contempt for the people in their care? He would still be with us.

And my father isn't the only victim. Every time we named the facility, people recognized it and reacted with sadness/horror. I am well aware that there are many other nursing homes just like the one who murdered my Daddy. I am well aware that it's a systemic problem through the United States and globally. I get it. I've been a Caregiver for over a decade. I have no choice but to get it.

That being said, I'm making it my mission to take down the nursing home and every person inside of it who took my Daddy away from me. I want to make sure that no one else will lose their loved one to them. I want to hit them where it hurts the most: in their wallet and I want to expose their shitty reputation to the masses.

It won't bring him back. It won't restore him to the man he was before all hell broke loose. It won't undo the pain and trauma we've gone through since late February-early March. It won't and can't do any of that but having a place to target, having people to blame for this makes the situation better. Having a mission after tragedy adds to the motivation to stay alive, at least to me. Maybe it's because I watched too much Batman growing up or maybe it's just me being spiteful but I'll take it.

I am heartbroken but not spirit broken. I can't speak for the rest of my family members but I know that I will survive this. I have the coping mechanisms, the support system, and most of all, I have a promise to keep.

Before cancer stole my Bunny, my Sara Elizabeth from all of us, she made me promise two things: she made me promise that she would not die alone in a hospital and she made me promise that after she was Gone, I would do my best to be happy and to live well.

I keep my promises and the promise I made to Sara will be double downed on for my Daddy.

All he wanted was for all of us to be safe. All he wanted was for all of us to be happy. He adored his family and he showed it as best as he could. He did the best that he could and flaws and all? He was a good man. He was a good husband. He was a good father. He was a good friend.

Reginald Thomas Dixon was a good man.

He was my Daddy.

And I will always, always be his Cookie.

I love you, Daddy.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and we will make the pieces of shit who hurt you, who murdered you pay for it.

I no longer believe in the doctrine that I was taught but I do still believe in an afterlife. I do believe that you are at peace and I believe that you are with our Bunny. Please hug her for me.

I sang one of your favorite Donny Hathaway songs after you were released from the prison your body became. I sang that Someday We'll All Be Free and your Someday has come.

Smile, Daddy. You're Free.

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With all the love in my heart, Cookie.

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trumpetnista · 9 months

Text

I had a breakdown at the gym today.

My day started out in the usual way: waking up, taking my meds, turning on my usual YouTube morning video from Pangeapanga (S-Tier Mario Maker player) to listen to while getting ready to go about my Friday business. Fridays typically involve me going to the chiropractor, to the gym, and then to my favorite Japanese place for dinner before going home. It used to be grocery shopping day but I moved it to Saturday. That’s beside the point.

Anyway, I came out of my room to listen to mom get ready to go sit with dad at the nursing home. Mom was demanding (not asking, goddammit...) my siblings and I to help put together meals for dad to eat, which he legitimately needs. The nursing home food is horrendous and dad has refused to eat most of it. It’s understandable but due to that, he has dropped an alarming amount of weight in a short period of time. At 6′2, he is currently 205 pounds. His legs look like sticks, his hands are cramped to the point of atrophy, his ribcage is visible, and there’s so much loose skin. He’s been bedbound since March. His skin hasn’t seen direct sunlight in months and you can feel the despair radiating from him, even when he musters up enough energy to speak with optimism and smile.

He’s in a safe place with competent people looking after him now but looking at him hurts. Knowing that he’s at the nursing home hurts. Knowing that he’ll likely never be able to come home hurts. Seeing him essentially helpless hurts. He’s always been there, always been a pillar but he’s come apart at the seams. He’s trapped in his own body that turned against him all at once. People who were supposed to look after him didn’t and injured him severely. I feel angry because I can’t help him like he needs. I feel helpless, just like I did when Sara was sick and wasting away before my very eyes. I’m scared. I’m terrified of him succumbing to despair and he’ll slip away from us far too early.

The whole situation is heartbreaking.

It’s also karma.

Like I mentioned last time, my father is a narcissist and that leaked into his parenting. When I was young, he crossed the line from discipline to physical abuse on several occaisions. My mother was like that too and she was the go-to for “discipline” but when I did something really bad (in reality or in their eyes) the worst came from him. I honestly preferred it when he hit me instead of scolding me. When he was scolding me, he would talk to me like I was the most incompetent, insignificant piece of shit on the planet until I couldn’t do anything but cry. Then, he would get mad at me for crying. Looking back, I was in physical pain from fibromyalgia and I was in Mania, effecting my decision making but I didn’t know that at the time. All I knew was that I kept embarassing the family in public. All I knew was that I was far too sensitive. All I knew was that I was lazy and whining. All I knew was that I wasn’t thinking and was honestly afraid to think, which was not true. All I knew was that my best wasn’t good enough and “I don’t know” was not an acceptable answer, even when I truly didn’t know why I did or didn’t do something.

All I knew was that my dad hated me or at least that was the conclusion my young brain drew and my mother followed his lead as usual while taking the opportunity to take her pain out on me. Later on, I figured out that he didn’t hate me but the damage was done, both physically and mentally. I have a scar near my eye from one of the times he hit me and one day when I was about to go into Walgreens, he asked where it came from. Looking him dead in the eye (a rarity for me. I had and still have problems maintaining eye contact with people...), I coldly replied “You did it” before walking into the store. After that day, the dynamic changed between us. I never got an apology from him but going forward, he treated me in a way that told me that he wanted to make up for things but again, the damage was done. I no longer trusted him, even when I said I did. As time passed and the family grew, I took on the role of proper disciplinarian to the kids and I came up with the facade of the dutiful daughter, the one always willing to make sacrifices, the one who followed the rules, and both parents showed me conditional love and acceptance in return, which was far better than how they treated me in the past. I decided to be the bigger person like I was taught to and moved forward.

However, in the back of my mind, I ached for my father to experience the pain and anguish that he put me and later my younger siblings, especially Valerie through. I always believed that what you put out, you get back and I wanted him to get back what he put out. I wanted him to get what he deserved. I wanted karma to come to him and collect with interest. Now, it has.

And I love it.

I also hate it.

The conflicting feelings I have for him and my mother has added onto the usual stress I feel, the usual anxiety. This morning, all of the feelings were there but stronger than it has been since my hospitalization and diagnosis. The worry, the vindication, the guilt attached to said vindication...I decided to go forward with my routine. Besides, I really just wanted to get away from my mother, who through my asserting my boundaries and encouraging Nina to do so in the moment, was actually in the kitchen cooking instead of making Nina or Kimberly do it. I whispered to Nina “let her do something for once” and I could feel the surprise radiating from her. As angry as I am at my mother, I typically try to be diplomatic with my siblings regarding her but this morning, I didn’t have the energy to.

I went to the chiropractor, still trying my best to fight through the feelings while using physical therapy to prepare my left wrist for the surgery I’m getting for it on the 16th (I have kienbock’s disease and they have to remove the dead lunate bone present) and convincing myself to go work out, despite feeling bone tired. Eventually, I got to the gym and I was going through my routine when the feelings engulfed me. It felt like someone had splashed a bucket of water on me and I could feel tears welling fast. I texted my big sister/best friend, explaining how I was feeling and by the time the text went through, I was crying on the crunch machine.

I made it to the locker room without making a scene, cutting my machine work short, and I started crying harder. The sadness I felt was so deep, so sudden that I thought that I was having a downswing in my Bipolar Disorder. I was diagnosed with Bipolar with Mania but the Bipolar 2 Sadness could come, my diagnosing doctor advised me. I thought it had arrived and it propelled me into a sobbing panic attack. As good as it was for me to be hospitalized, I have a deep fear of having to go back to a mental ward, not because the one I was at was a bad one but because of how utterly alone I felt in there.

I was cut off from my family for the first time. I was all alone for the first time in my life and it terrified me despite knowing that I was where I needed to be. That terror came back because despite not feeling like I was a danger to myself or others, I was starting to feel out of control like I did during my psychotic break.

I called Diane and left her a voicemail, crying but still trying my best not to worry her. After that, I still felt bad so I kept following my crisis plan. My mental health doctor and counselor are based at Easterseals so I called. The woman at the intake desk was a genuine angel. I could barely talk through my tears but she spoke to me with empathy and was determined to get help for me. She gave me the number to the crisis line and although I got the voicemail, reaching out helped the panic attack recede. I was able to compose myself. I was able to do a shortened version my cardio routine and I heard back from Diane during. She assured me that my feelings weren’t invalid because she had a breakdown of her own for the same reasons a couple of days ago. She assured me that it likely wasn’t a downswing with my Bipolar disorder and that my conflicted feelings towards our parents, towards our father were natural.

I still struggle with feeling angry at them because for the longest time, I equated being angry at them with being a bad daughter and person. That’s not true. It’s not true at all but working through years of thinking otherwise takes time.

While I was at dinner, I heard back from the crisis line. I didn’t talk to my counselor but I talked to someone who was so easy to open up to. I explained so much about what was ailing me and he assured me that I did the right things today. I did the exact right things to do when in crisis. As I talked more, he assured me that the deprogramming journey that I’ve going on since leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses has been beneficial. He assured me that the steps I’ve been taking to break the cycle of trauma that started with my parents have been the correct ones. A completely neutral party validated me over and over again and it felt amazing. I also let Valerie know what happened and she immediately backed me up. She said she understood and that she was proud of me, making me cry good tears. As I mentioned, Valerie ended up taking my place as the black sheep of the family in our parents' eyes but she still has a heart of gold. The loyalty she shows is amazing and I'm grateful for her. The confidence boost I felt from the conversation with the neutral counselor gave me the bravery to strike up a lively conversation about tattoos with a fellow bus rider and the strength to make it home to my safe space AKA my room. I had a second dinner of sausage and peppers pasta before settling in for the night.

Today was an awful mental health day, a truly awful mental health day.

But, you know what?

I didn’t go back into my old bad habits.

I didn’t isolate myself nor did I ignore my feelings.

I reached out for help and I received the support I needed.

I’m on the right track.

I am on the right track and it feels so good.

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