#also happy end of the year my friends! may 2024 bring you all the things you desire i love you | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucyandthepen · 3 months

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last young renegade | jjh

summary: your valentine’s day plans with jaehyun may have gone down the drain just a little. (okay — a lot.)

pairing: jaehyun x reader verse: canon, idol!verse rating: t warnings&tags: reader & jaehyun are in an established relationship, quite frankly there is nothing too out of the ordinary in this fic which is a shocker, it’s a rewritten fic so pls excuse any errors I may not have caught! word count: 5.02k

a/n: happy 2024 friends and family !!!!!! and advanced happy birthday to the man who created valentine’s day, he who is perhaps my first love in nct, jaehyun! this is actually just a fic I’ve been hoping to re-write a bit from before, and since it’s valentine’s themed, what better time to post it!! Enjoy enjoy, and may this year bring more fun, laughs, love (and debauchery) to this blog!

Yᴏᴜ sᴀɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ sɪᴄᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛɪʀᴇᴅ ᴏғ ɪᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ, ɴɪɢʜᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴀʏ.

♡ jaehyunnie ♡ I know I said birthday dinner but practice is running so late ㅠㅠ ♡ jaehyunnie ♡ Can we meet after? I’m sorry ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ How about I call you when we’re done? Maybe 11:30?

At times like this, you often wonder if it’s all worth it.

You know thinking that way is counterproductive, not to mention a little unfair. You knew exactly what to expect, getting into an under-wraps relationship with an idol, and so far, it’s lived up to most of your assumptions, and then some. It doesn’t help that Jaehyun, even just by name, tends to attract an unbelievable amount of attention. You know you can’t blame him; it’s not like he wants to be high on the radar every time, either. For some reason, though, you seem to be looking for something or someone to blame, which you also know is a dead end. You have no one to pin the blame onto apart from yourself by frequently generating doubts that keep your mind running around in circles.

It’s not even the sneaking around that gets tiring; it’s the waiting — waiting on calls, waiting on free time, waiting on a good opportunity to do something that doesn’t involve him suddenly getting pulled out to attend to one of many of his celebrity responsibilities. Over the last few years that you’ve dated, NCT has only ever gotten more popular; with that popularity came the fact that the public eye was trained on them, focusing on every microscopic detail of their lives. Jaehyun hates that more than anything, which is why he’s given up on trying to avoid it by practically escaping it altogether, locking himself up in the dorm with you when he has his precious few days off.

While it’s true that you definitely don’t miss having to play espionage when going out for a cup of coffee with him, you’ve also managed to memorize every single inch of Jaehyun’s room, which isn’t good for your mentality, you’re pretty sure. You have to keep reminding him to open the window whenever the both of you are in there, because all you do is stay in and watch English movies without subtitles to see who can understand the most without asking questions (obviously, he always wins) while eating food he runs up and down the stairs to get every other hour. And while him trying to imitate the British accents on these shows is genuinely funny, you’re starting to suspect even he’s starting to get tired of watching Harry Potter over and over again. Twenty hours sounds like a long time unless you spend every twenty-hour period you have together marathoning the exact same films. Much to both of your disappointment, your suggestion to watch it totally out of order did not make it cooler.

Still, you suppose it’s not all bad. Jaehyun also taught you how to play Fortnite on a couple of his days off back to back, and while you hadn’t been as good a player as you both had hoped, he’d still patiently waited for you every time you got lost on the map. He’d even given you his account’s password with the sentiment that this was him ‘taking things to the next level with you,’ and you get to log into his account and play whenever you want; he doesn’t even get mad when you’ve wasted all the stuff he’s farmed on your subpar gaming skills. And, well, the bigger picture was that you loved him. Based on how much effort he put into the relationship, plus the bonus of his trust in you when it came to his Fortnite account, you could at least be confident in that he returned the sentiment.

Except, sometimes, you still wonder if it would be easier for the both of you if he flew solo and didn’t have a girlfriend that tanked all of his player’s ammo and health kits and generally made a fool out of his cute little avatar while he was out breaking his back onstage.

You aren’t sure if Jaehyun’s been noticing the turmoil in you; you’re not that good at hiding how you feel, anyway, but if he has, he hasn’t said anything thus far. You do observe how much more he texts you when he has free time, which makes you feel doubly bad, because you know that he’s spending precious minutes he could be resting with on talking to you instead, which isn’t the best trade-off for someone who’s constantly busy — and thereby constantly tired — like him.

♡ jaehyunnie♡ ___________ I’m going to practice again, okay? Wait for my call ㅠㅠ You I’ll wait for your call ♡ ♡ jaehyunnie♡ I love you ㅠㅠㅠㅠ ♡ jaehyunnie♡ You love me too — a lot, right? I’ll keep my phone now, but I’ll make sure to check that you said so. ㅋㅋㅋ You Right! ㅎ I love you a lot! ♡

When the clock hits 12:01, and your phone is silent, your mind starts working on overtime again. It’s only when the special ringtone you’ve set for him comes to life at half-past midnight that you break your train of thought and put on your socks so you can meet Jaehyun at your front door.

You’ve made a rule — sort of like a deal — between the two of you that apologies aren’t necessary when work holds you up. You’ve cashed in on that deal a couple of times, but you’re both aware that it’s more for Jaehyun’s sake than anything else, and he keeps to his word on that much when you open the door and duck into his car. All he does is smile at you, and you smile back, and for the rest of the car ride, everything seems okay.

He always asks you about your day — unfailingly, at any chance he can. It’s never an off-handed question, either; Jaehyun takes great pride in his memory, and the sweetest thing about him is that he’s dedicated a good deal of it to knowing almost everything about you. Right now is no different. He asks you about your team manager, what you had for lunch; he grills you on if you took your vitamins today and if you got to break in the new shoes you bought online — the ones you’d been pining over for the last three months. He even asks you about the guy from the neighboring department who keeps asking you out for after-work drinks.

“He wanted to go to Hongdae tonight,” you tell him as he slows for a red light. “There’s some new pub of his friend’s doing a soft opening there tonight.”

“You could have gone.” He keeps his eyes on the road. “I wouldn’t have minded.”

“I didn’t want to.”

“Good.” He glances at you, a grin slowly spreading on his lips. “Because I lied. I might have minded a little. Or, you know, a lot.”

“Don’t tell me after all these years, you’ve turned into the kind of boyfriend that doesn’t let his girlfriend go out without him.”

“That’s impossible for me, and you know that,” he chuckles. “You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Just not with that guy from the other department.”

“Don’t worry.” You tinker with the little charm dangling on your phone — half of a flat, metal heart dangling from a gold chain that Jaehyun had given you two years back on your birthday. He keeps the other half, but since he can’t freely attach it to any of his belongings, he keeps it wedged between the back of his phone and its case. You like watching him change the backing because he does it so carefully, like he’s worried the other half of the heart is going to break if he rips off the case willy nilly. “I told him my boyfriend and I were going out on a date tonight, so he backed off. Although he did wonder why I keep talking about a boyfriend he’s never seen.”

“And? What did you say?”

“I said it was none of his damn business.”

Jaehyun laughs loudly, and you go along with him, but you don’t miss how tired he looks when he sobers down, the green light illuminating all the shadows on his face as he steps on the gas again.

Nothing good is open this late at night — that is, nothing you haven’t seen before. You hadn’t even expected to go out at all, but since it was the day before Valentine’s Day as well as his birthday (or it would have been, if you hadn’t waited until midnight), Jaehyun had wanted to do something special without having to run into a huge crowd of couples on the day itself. Your only option is this from-out-of-town carnival that’s set up in tents and even has a medium-sized ferris wheel by the edge of the metal barricade. The parking lot is practically empty when Jaehyun pulls into a slot; you joke that he should break one rule and park in two slots, which he smugly replies to by saying he couldn’t park badly even if he tried.

He tucks your hair back behind your ears as he loops the strings of a face mask around them, using another one for himself. Between that and the brim of his cap, you can barely see his eyes. The only knowledge that you have that you’re walking next to the man you love is that he takes your hand in his, slender fingers finding their way between yours.

The carnival is half-closed when you get to the middle of it; there are still a few stragglers, but half the kiosks have their lights off already. There’s a woman dressed in flashy clothes standing on a patch of dead grass a few feet away, and she’s holding a hoop that a ginger cat is jumping through. Jaehyun steers you to them, and you stand there for a good five minute watching the cat roll on the ground and stand on its hind legs, but you can tell it’s been going it at for most of the day because at one point, it just ignores the lady, opting to weave its way between Jaehyun’s and your legs instead. You do have a pretty good time when he picks it up and cradles it in his arms so you can pet it for a second, but it just hisses when its owner approaches and jumps out of his hold, disappearing behind a row of trash bins.

Jaehyun doesn’t have anything in his wallet apart from his credit cards and 50,000 won, and the coin machine operator says he only has enough coins left to break down 5,000 won for the games, so you end up having to jog back to his car so you can fish out some coins from inside his glove compartment. You come up with a grand total of 1,500 won, and you have to sheepishly go back to the coin machine operator to change four 100 coins and a couple of 50s just to get the last 500. Jaehyun tells you to hold onto the three coins so he doesn’t run off with them entirely and leave you destitute.

You learn you can only do three things at most — you dedicate 500 won for the Ferris wheel entry tickets, which leaves you with 500 won each. The both of you agree on choosing one kiosk to play in, and with only about five left that are open, you don’t really have that many options. You end up dragging Jaehyun over to a stall with a pond filled with those magnetic toy fish, but 500 won only gets you one fishing rod. Since it’s your choice, Jaehyun lets you play, but you feel kind of stupid doing it on your own with him just watching you. In the end, he decides to stand behind you, his arms around your waist like he thinks closer contact isn’t even more distracting. You do manage to fish out 10 fish and win a small bear on a keychain. It doesn’t even pass through your hands as Jaehyun takes it from the stall operator immediately.

“That’s mine!” You whine, reaching out in vain to take it from him; he just holds it high over his head. His eyes are twinkling under the shadow his cap casts over his face. “I worked hard for that.”

“Let me keep this one,” he mimics the pleading lilt in your voice. “I’ll put it on my bag.”

“You know you can’t! Give it back.”

“I’ll win you a bigger one,” he promises. “Let me keep this one. It’s cute. It reminds me of you. I’ll kiss it goodnight before I sleep.” He starts to laugh softly. “And then you’ll feel this weird spirit kissing you at like two in the morning, and you’ll know it’s me.”

Your arms aren’t long enough to retrieve it, and you don’t really want to, so you settle with twisting his ear. He takes it in stride even if he over-acts, making pained noises while leading you to the kiosk he wants to go to. It’s a shooting range stall, and he pays his own precious 500 won for a dart gun. He’s barely paying attention when the guy starts explaining how many points are assigned to each balloon color, more concerned with talking to the bear keychain in his hand and pretending like he’s cooing at you. You have to hit him across the shoulder to get him to focus.

“You need to start picking out what prize you want,” he tells you — the actual you, not the animal keychain version — as he lifts the dart gun.

“I’ll wait for you to finish first.”

“No way.” He tilts his head, closing one eye to steady his line of sight. “Pick already. Or just go for the biggest one.”

“You know that Fortnite and dart guns aren’t the same thing, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m well-motivated.” He grins at you, one eye still shut. He looks like a baby pirate. “Go ahead. Pick the biggest one.”

“Why don’t you just shoot, and we’ll see.”

“Pick it,” he insists. “Tell me you have faith in me. Tell me you love me.”

“Okay, I love you,” you agree. “But I have no faith in you when it comes to this.”

“One out of two is fine,” he concedes, taking aim.

All three of you, including the stall operator, let out a disappointed groan when he misses his first shot. His comes with a sheepish laugh as he reloads, suddenly telling you to pick the second biggest prize instead. You can’t even watch him miss over and over, so you pretend to be interested in a bunch of teenage boys playing a game of cups one stall over, trying not to giggle when you hear him get increasingly more frustrated at himself. When you turn back around, you notice he’s holding two small pieces of gummy candy, offering one to you like a kindergartener. He helps you tug your face mask down so you can eat it.

There’s a food stall nearby that, thankfully, accepts credit and debit; Jaehyun fishes out his card to get you a corndog — only one because he’s watching his weight for the upcoming concert, apparently. This is information you hate hearing but have no say in, and he knows this; you know he does because he says ‘don’t worry about me’ totally out of the blue, like five minutes after the conversation ceases to be relevant.

His phone starts ringing when the food comes out, and he takes a tiny bite of it — more bread than hotdog — before he answers. You know it’s Taeyong by the way he answers.

“Hyung, sorry — can we talk later? I’m out with ____________.”

Taeyong says something loud but indiscernible on the other end. You piece together that it’s about tomorrow’s schedule when Jaehyun speaks again.

“I know. I’ll be home in a bit; don’t worry about it. I haven’t forgotten.”

There’s more garbled speech on the other line; Jaehyun gestures for you to keep eating, and you do, but you more concerned with the morphing expressions on his face than you are with the act of chewing. He’s making noncommittal noises in response to what seem to be commands and reminders. You’re pretty much done with the corndog by the time he says ‘Okay, hyung. Hyung — I’ll see you later, okay?’

“Taeyong hyung says hi,” he tells you once he’s hung up the phone. “He says you still need to give back that book you borrowed from him last year.”

“Oh yeah,” you finish off the last of the food. “I’ll drop it off within the week.”

“Don’t worry about it. He doesn’t actually mean it.”

Jaehyun watches you snap the stick in half and toss it in the trash bag.

“We can go home,” you say finally. His eyebrows shoot up. “You’re busy tomorrow. I forgot.”

“I didn’t forget, and it’s fine.”

“It’s almost two in the morning.” You check your phone to verify. “You probably have to be up in a few hours. You need to sleep, or you’ll die, Jaehyun. I’m too young to be a grieving widow.”

“Let’s at least ride the Ferris wheel,” he suggests. Before you can protest, he tugs you towards the rickety contraption, digging the 500 won out of your pocket and handing it to the bemused operator. He lets you choose what carriage you want because literally no one is on it anymore, and Jaehyun asks for the best carriage. You’re not sure how it differs from the rest, but he makes a show out of guiding you into it, and you don’t miss the corny ‘my lady,’ he mutters under his breath.

It’s small, clearly meant for either a tiny group of children or couples who want to be as close together as possible. It’s also not air-conditioned, and only one of the windows is open, so you end up sticking to Jaehyun’s arm on the way up. The view is still great, though, and you feel his hand settle on your knee as the carriage makes it slow ascent.

The ride up is quiet, and you press your face as close to the glass of the carriage as you dare, but Jaehyun doesn’t move an inch. His hand is still heavy on your thigh, but it doesn’t do anything but lay there. When you’re close to the top, you’re hit with the urge to do something romantic — kiss, maybe, tell him happy birthday, or say ‘I love you’ to him in the most sickening way possible — but when you turn to look at him, you have to hold your tongue.

Jaehyun is asleep, leaning against the corner of the carriage, head tilted down a little. His shoulders are rising and falling slowly, and he’s pulled down his face mask a little so he can breathe better; his lips are slightly parted by the slackening of his jaw. His left hand is shoved in his pocket, like he’d passed out halfway through reaching for something in there.

He doesn’t wake even when you move slightly so you can lean back next to him, rocking the carriage a little — not even when you reach up and adjust his head so he can rest on your shoulder. He breathes deeply, evenly, and you wonder if his ear against your shoulder allows him to hear your heart plummet unfairly to the bottom of your stomach.

You have to shake him to rouse him when the ride comes to an end; when he opens his eyes and realizes what happened, he looks mortified. Instinctively, he opens his mouth, but you fling the carriage door open and step out before he can apologize.

You have a deal, and he knows what he shouldn’t be doing.

His grip on your hand is much tighter as you walk back to the parking lot, and he doesn’t let go, even on the road. The trip back is quieter, maybe because it’s late, or maybe because there are a ton of things the both of you want to say but can’t.

He slows down when he gets to your street, but when he stops in front of your building, he doesn’t immediately unlock the doors to let you out. Instead, he turns to you, licking his lips a little nervously.

“Can you…” he clears his throat because his voice cracks a little on the first attempt. “Can you come back with me? To the dorm?”

“I have work tomorrow, Jaehyun.”

“It’s still at eleven, isn’t it? I can bring you home before that. You still have some stuff in my room. You can get ready there.”

“Won’t you be too busy?”

“Just—” he sighs softly. “Can you? Please?”

You don’t know how to say no to Jaehyun, and tonight isn’t a night you’re willing to try. It’s why fifteen minutes later, you’re walking through the front door of his dorm. Donghyuck, sitting at his computer in his room with the door ajar, greets you sleepily as you pass by.

Jaehyun steps in the shower with you; you don’t talk, maybe because you’re worried you might wake the others up if you start a full-blown conversation in a bathroom surrounded by other bedrooms. He just passes you what you need, and you do the same for him, and somewhere in between, he kisses you under the spray of the water.

Later, he falls asleep with a face mask on, and you have to peel it off for him and toss it into the trash. The tip of his nose is shiny, and you want to kiss it, but you know it’ll wake him, and you noticed he’d set his alarm to go off two hours from now. He’s set out a couple of earplugs for you so that you don’t hear it, but you don’t put them in. You want to see him before he leaves, even if it’s in the deadest hours of morning, so you just crawl into bed with him. A minute before you doze off, you feel his damp skin press against your neck, his form curled up against your back.

The alarm never wakes you; the sun is out when you open your eyes, and when you check your phone, you see that it’s already half-past nine. You also notice that there’s nothing from Jaehyun on your screen, but you try not to dwell on that, considering that you’d been expecting to wake up to an empty bed. His side of the mattress is cold, which means that he’s been gone for some time.

You don’t know if it’s just because you’re groggy, but your insides still feel like lead when you sit up. The part of you that nags about this relationship is back at full force when you start thinking about Jaehyun going to a pre-recording two hours after spending the last of his energy on you. You start wondering if you’re doing the right thing if it feels like you’re just dragging him down. Your heart clenches tightly when the worst thought hits — maybe, just maybe, he’s tired of you, too.

But you won’t let him go. More to the point — you can’t. He’s the best part of your life; it’d be a cold day in hell if you decided to leave him.

Even the thought of it makes you feel like dying.

Then again, this isn’t all up to you.

You’re rubbing the sleep out of your eyes — and maybe a couple of frustrated tears — when the door creaks open. You see two mugs and his hands before you see the rest of him come through the doorway. Jaehyun whispers a careful good morning as he sets the coffee down on his table, making sure to push his keyboard away to avoid accidents, before sitting down next to you. You notice that there’s an envelope next to one of the mugs; the flap is slightly open, and from under it, a flash of red peeks out.

His hand finds its way back to your knee — it’s his favorite resting place, he’s told you once. Your lap feels like home, he’d joked. Maybe he touches it every so often because it’s like a reset button for him.

He doesn’t ask if you slept well, or if you want to get ready before having your coffee, or if you’re okay. He just squeezes your knee a little tighter. It’s you that has to start the conversation this time.

“How did it go?”

“It went great. You’ll see it on TV later tonight,” he starts rubbing your thigh idly. “You’ll watch it later, right?”

“Of course. I’ll call you and tell you how cool you look.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. When you lapse into silence again, it’s because you’re expecting him to say something, but he doesn’t come out with it directly. You try not to let it show that you’re worried, that you’re skeptical, that you’re wondering if he thinks he’s too tired, too busy for this, too.

You’re expecting him to start how most break-ups start. You know I love you, right? And then the telltale but… would come, and you would have to hold back your tears and smile for him, and tell him you know, and that you understand it isn’t the right time, but maybe one day, someday, when he isn’t everyone’s Jung Jaehyun anymore — only yours.

“You love me, right?”

It’s not what you’d been expecting. Nor is it the playful little text he’d sent — no laughs, no jokes. His expression is somber, mouth pressed into a thin line.

“You know I do.”

“A lot, right?”

“A lot,” you confirm softly.

“Then whatever it is that you’re thinking about us,” he says quietly. “Don’t. Don’t think it. Don’t do it.”

“Jaehyun—”

“I know it’s hard,” his fingers dig into your skin a little. “I know I put you through a lot. I know you think that I’m suffering because of this relationship too. I know everything. But whatever you think I’m going to do, I won’t do it — not ever. So if you’re thinking of it too, I’m begging you. Don’t. Please.”

Maybe he had noticed all this time. A wave of guilt washes over you when you see the pained look on his face; perhaps you were even more transparent than you’d originally thought. You nod slowly to show your understanding, and he continues.

“I know yesterday wasn’t the best you could have hoped for,” he carefully avoids apologizing, although it’s written all over his features. “For me, too. I… I wanted something different. It’ll be better next time. Do you believe me?”

You hear him swallow — his nails are biting into your thigh a little, so you have to gently peel his hand off. Your fingers replace it, tightening around his palm as you nod.

“I believe you.”

“And you trust me, right?”

“With my life.”

“Then can you put your faith in me right now?” He asks. “Don’t panic. Just — just say yes.”

He pats around his pants, finally deciding to slip his hand into his left-hand pocket. Unlike on the Ferris wheel, he manages to extract something, but he keeps it closed in his fist. It’s shaking a little as he takes your hand in his other one, pressing something small and hard into your palm before he curls your fingers over it. His hold keeps your fist closed as he starts talking.

“It’s not immediate. We’ll figure it out. We’ll tell the right people, and they’ll help us tell everyone else — the public, the press. It doesn’t have to happen right now, or any time soon either— not if you don’t want it to. We can take it slow, or whatever. Anything you want — just as long as it’s with me.”

“Jaehyun,” you shake your head, a little dizzy. “What are you talking about?”

He slowly loosens his hold on your fingers, his hand dropping to the same spot on your knee. You’re free to open your fist, and when you do, you can’t help but feel a little stumped.

“I don’t mean now,” he repeats, now sounding doubly worried. “It’s not — It’s just…”

“You’ll get in trouble. We can’t.”

“I won’t. Not if we do this right. Like I said, we can do it slowly. Months — years, however long it takes to do it well. What it is — it’s just… a promise.”

“A promise,” you echo. It does have a nice ring to it.

“That I’m not leaving you. Not ever. And… if you say yes, that you won’t either.”

Your coffee has probably turned cold. Jaehyun is watching you carefully, looking like he’s trying hard not to bite his lip. You look back down at your hand, and he speaks up again.

“You know I love you, right?”

You smile slightly. “No but?”

“No but,” he agrees.

The ring fits nicely on your finger; maybe it’s well-measured from the amount of times he’s held your hand tightly in his.

“Okay, Jaehyun,” you whisper. “I promise.”

When you place your hand on his, he twists his palm, slender fingers gently twirling the ring around the base of your finger.

Minutes later, he hands you your coffee. It’s sweet and milky, the way he knows you like it best. When he settles back down on the bed, you notice his eyes travel to your finger again, a small smile playing on his lips.

Perhaps, in this moment, you finally learn to ask the right questions — not about if it’s worth it, but if he is.

And in this moment, where he sits in silence with you, the sunlight pouring in from his window hitting the tips of his hair and the end of his nose, with the knowledge that his heart is as full as yours, you come to realize that there can — and never will be — any doubt of that.

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joshleyson · 4 months

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THIS IS: SIARGAO ✨

December film dump 🎞️

Growing up in Mindanao for almost 2 decades and never actually being able to traverse the picturesque landscapes in the eastern part of the island is something that I know I have to break before the year ends. So I did.

I flew from Manila to Cebu so early in the morning to catch a connecting flight to Siargao by noon. Traveling to Siargao was a lot of firsts for me. Not having to go to every detail but when the plane was about to take off to Siargao, we were all offloaded due to the bad weather on the island. Fortunately, instead of having to fly back to Manila, the airline was kind enough to take me to a nearby hotel in Cebu, all expenses paid including food, transportation, and next-day ticket. It was an unexpected staycation which surprisingly I enjoyed.

Coming from a very tiring day at work and then going to the airport, I felt like I really needed this quiet time, and I was able to check in to this lavish hotel all by myself while waiting for my flight the next day. Also, I had a great night as well in Cebu catching up with one of my long-time friends and her beaux. I went back to my hotel around 3 in the morning because there’s just so many things to catch up and I really missed my homie so much. Keyword: low-maintenance friendships.

So the day finally came, and I was able to land safely on the island of Siargao. Right off the bat on my first night, I had a lovely dinner with my travel friends slash buddies at work and we went to a bar, and danced the night away which to me serves as a prelude to the great experience this vibrant community had in stored for me as a Mindanaoan that have never set foot beyond the confines of Zamboanga and western Mindanao.

We spent our days being on the road which to me was such a release. Being able to smell the fresh ocean breeze while blasting our favorite Y2K songs in the car and relying on Waze or Google Maps for our next destination, to me, makes the trip so much fun because of the spontaneity and unpredictability that it brings. We went island hopping, danced in the boat, swam on open waters, ate our hearts out, moved from one accommodation to another, and I tried surfing for the first time! I never thought I would enjoy the experience because it was raining lightly at that time and the waves were so big it could easily engulf me, but man, best day ever!!!! I fell on the surfing board and slammed my body on the rushing waves several times but being able to stand on the surfboard for the first time was such a liberating experience. A little bit of a stretch, but it was and I will try it again once I go back to Siargao.

☾

I flew back to Cebu and then to Manila to catch one of my friend’s wedding and luckily I made it with no delay. Looking at the pictures that I got to develop from a Fuji film camera that I brought with me on the island, I am reminded again of the incredible healing power of what it’s like to try new things, be with nature, and just breathe. Knowing that the year is about to end in a couple of weeks, I felt so blessed to have that opportunity to break the complicated rhythm of corporate life and to disconnect for a moment.

After 3 weeks, I get to fly back to Boracay to celebrate New Year’s Eve. So many epic moments that I am also grateful for which I may save for the future but nevertheless, my last month of 2023 was such a banger and I hope it always feels that way.

By the way, I’m writing all these on my iPhone because I’m too tired to get up and open my MacBook, so I appreciate you for hanging with me this far. So that’s it for 2023!

Simply put, I just want to say Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones, and may 2024 be as effervescent as your hopes and dreams for the future.

(December, 2023)

(Photos were shot using Fujifilm Simpleace 35 mm camera + iPhone 15 Pro Max)

FOLLOW ME: Instagram/TikTok/Twitter: joshleyson

(Music by Grammy nominee, Victoria Monét. All rights belong to her and her publishers. For personal and non-commercial use only. Stream her great catalogue on Spotify and Apple Music.)

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sunflowervoltwentyeight · 3 months

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Happy 28th! Here is my January 2024 fic rec, organized by word count, from longest to shortest. You can view my other fic recs here. Enjoy!

It's Fine To Fake It 'Til You Make It ('Til It's True) by sunflouwerhabit / @sunflouwerhabit (150k)

Harry Styles @HarryStyles_KE hi again! so, i wanted to apologize one more time for the whole “helogogjs good gksdjid” thing, and also say that i didn’t just accidentally open your DM’s when i wasn’t paying attention earlier. i sort of had a question about a tweet you posted yesterday? like. the whole “rent a boyfriend” thing? is that something you were serious about? and if so, how does one come to hire you to be their boyfriend? i’m, um, asking for a friend

*****

Harry dreads an impending visit to his hometown, where he’ll be forced to reunite with a newly engaged ex-boyfriend, a childhood best friend turned near stranger, and a family who never understood just how desperately he needed to leave.

In the midst of it all, a ludicrous Twitter proposition brings him to Louis.

(Almost) Exes-to-Lovers (Series) by nonsensedarling / @absoloutenonsense (93k)

Been Waitin' (After Weekend After Weekend After) (3k) Louis and Harry meet at a laundromat. Part 1 of (Almost) Exes-to-Lovers When the Trouble Comes (89k) The Queens Trafficking case is the biggest one of Louis’ FBI career so far; eleven reported missing girls all disappeared under a similar set of circumstances. Louis has done everything he can to try and solve this case over the last nine months… while also absolutely ruining his marriage. Harry has been co-host of Banter at Breakfast for five years, and finally has the opportunity to create his own radio show with the network. Unfortunately, it comes at a time where Harry’s thoughts are consumed with his impending divorce from his (caring, loving, infuriatingly thoughtful) husband of eight years. Harry and Louis have both been willing to lose themselves in their work… but are they willing to lose each other? * Or a story of (almost) exes-to-lovers. Part 2 of (Almost) Exes-to-Lovers

And Down the Long and Silent Street by whimsicule (86k)

The year is 1881 and if you’re alone in this world you might as well be dead, because starving dogs have no mercy.

Or: Wherein Louis and Harry are on the opposite ends of the social ladder, but their paths still cross on the filthy streets Louis calls his home. The odds are staked against them from the beginning, and even more when Louis' past finally catches up with him.

Baby Steal My Heart Away by Snowy38 (61k)

Louis headed into the hall, seeing the Moses basket right away.

"Wah-wah-wahhh!"

Was that...

Fuck.

It was. It was a baby! A loudly crying, clearly unhappy-actually properly distressed baby. It was already red in the face and--

Why was there a baby?

He looked up and around, palm flattening to his forehead to push his scruffy hair away from his clammy skin, checking he wasn't being punked.

Light Me Up, Put Me on Top by CuckooTrooke / @larrydoinglaundry (24k)

Harry takes Louis back to Northern Europe to experience his first Nordic Christmas in their beloved cabin, surrounded by nothing but peace and snow. So much snow.

Short "spin-off" to 'Love is a word, you gave it a name' universe. Takes place after the second part of the main story, but before the final epilogue.

Part 3 of love is a word, you gave it a name

No One Like You by myownspark (19k)

Dear Niall,

I was glad to have the chance to talk with you again at the AHA conference. Your idea that the Musee D’Orsay Tomlinson painting is in fact not a self-portrait is an intriguing one, and I may have discovered something that will have a bearing on that theory.

Some background: as you may remember, I’ve been researching for a book I’m writing about Harry Styles. I’ve been in communication with Styles’ last living descendant, who is in possession of a trunk that her family believed to have belonged to Styles himself. It held some personal items she presumes to be his, including two unmounted paintings and a small collection of letters.

Upon spending the last few days in Provins studying these items, I believe there to be a connection between Tomlinson and Styles, and I would very much like your opinion.

Are you up for a trip to France?

Sincerely, Liam Payne

Where Liam and Niall are art historians discovering the truth about two nineteenth century painters on opposite sides of an artistic divide.

#28th appreciation #january fic rec #larry fic rec #fic rec #monthly fic rec #hlcreators #read

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igotsnothing · 4 months

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Simblr Gratitude Day

Ok, ok- I was stuck at work until late today and didn't see this outpouring of awesomeness early enough.

Thank you, @simstrashkingdom, @lynzishell, @thebramblewood, @stargazer-sims and @maxfaiden, for remembering me and tagging me! It was honestly such a sweet surprise to find! It's really special- I hope you know that! And, of course: right back at you! ❤️

It may be a small thing, but I am truly grateful for all the kind support I've found here. "I love my moots" is a tag I use often and honestly. I joined Simblr at the end of March not really knowing what to expect. I appreciate all the friends I've met and the interactions I've had with so many talented people!

I tend to ramble, so I'll try to get to the point: every comment, DM, reblog, and "like" makes my day and makes me so happy. I want to especially show love and appreciation to the following people, who make my Simblr such a good place to hang out in:

@alinelie- My simblr birthday buddy! I love her ocs, her aesthetic, her ability to convey so much through her images! @damseljamsel, who is genuine- I mentioned feeling out of sorts once and she was right there, with kind words, offering an ear, and cheering me up. She also puts up with my completely out-of-control comments about her awesome stories. You're a good person, Damsel! STAY GOLD, PONYBOY! @agena87- an early moot who is super creative and has been learning and growing and sharing so many amazing images! They're also super cool and supportive! And there's @crabbeychick, who is sweet and generous with her comments and goes along with my wackiness (and drives our getaway car and feeds me snacks to keep me happy quiet). I hope that in 2024, you'll feel ready to share more about your OCs- I really enjoyed the little bit you let us glimpse! @akitasimblr is such a treasure- generous, so talented and fun- and Alexander Burns better find a way into Nat's family! 😆 @simarcana hasn't been around as much, but I hope they know how much their encouragement meant to me when I started posting here! They're funny and cool and their edits and ocs are everyone's favorites, with good reason!

I also want to send a virtual hug (or nod- whichever is more comfortable!) to these simblrs- some older friends, some newer- who always, always make me happy when I see them here: @silentsundown, @lynxsimago, @merrymomo, @eljeebee, @izayoichan, @smok3inm1rrors, @aheathen-conceivably, @theosconfessions, @aurorangen, @nata1997, @lilamausmaus @moonfromearth

And because this is about gratitude, I want to let the following super talented, big-league player simblrs know that they are so inspiring and bring so much heart and beauty to this game and community! @rebouks, @cinamun, @pralinesims, @lilis-palace, @strangestorytellersims, @arcanewonder, @panterabsims

...And I will never miss an opportunity to brag and gush about @greighish/@maxfaiden. I don't want to overdo it and bug you again, but I mean it from the heart when I say that you and your friendship are the best, most unexpected gifts I received when I joined Tumblr. I'm looking forward to sharing more books and music and marvelous and whimsical ephemera with you in the year to come! Thank you for always making me feel seen and welcome. *Bows* (*Immediately loses balance and topples to the side*)

#simblr gratitude day #simblr gratitude 2023 #i love my moots #and all the good peeps #who make this little corner of the internet so bright

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agustdiv1ne · 4 months

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honestly? it could've been worse.

lots of things happened in 2023, both good and bad, in real life and on this hellsite. i feel like i've started to hone in on my voice as a writer this year, and my creativity and motivation just seemed to skyrocket for absolutely no reason. it's been fun sharing my work with you guys, and i'm forever grateful for all the love and support i have received <3 furthermore, thank you so so much for 4k followers!!!!! i never thought i would reach such a milestone, so it truly means a lot :')

there's a lot i wish i could have done during 2023 that i didn't end up doing, but i think it is best to focus on what i did accomplish and use that as a stepping stone towards better things. also, there were a lot of times where i didn't feel content with where and who i was. right now, however, i can confidently say that i am happy; i am hoping that happiness will be abundant for everyone in 2024! we all deserve it!!

furthermore, everyone worked hard, so i hope you all give yourself some grace in order to recharge and reset. taking breaks is paramount in maintaining your health and happiness, and i'm glad i learned that it's okay for me to take them lol.

so happy new year everyone! i hope 2024 brings many wonderful things your way, and may we all have a lovely year!! <33

to: @gummygowon 🖤

MAIIII hi ilysm <333 i can't believe we've been friends for 3 years like that's fucking crazy. we have both been THROUGH it over the years but i'm so glad that we've always been able to talk to each other about the crazy shit that happens to both of us 😹 like idk who else i could talk about it with honestly. we are seriously like the same person which is so wild to me but i'm also so grateful for it fr!! i would trust you with my life methinks...also talking about fic ideas with you is so fucking fun. our brainstorming sessions go crazy fr ‼️ ANYWAYS i need to stop being sappy so i love you bitch and we WILL meet up this year or else i will riot!!! happy new year <3

to: @lunalovesstories 🖤

lunaaaa hii!!!! my fellow yeonjun stan, we feel the same pain and suffering whenever he is wilding LOL </3 also i feel like we became close super fast hehe ^^ i'm so glad that we became friends this year and i am forever grateful for you and how kind and supportive and overall amazing you are. becoming moots and friends with you was definitely one of my highlights of 2023!! our daily conversations are something i always look forward to no matter how short or long they are; i truly love talking with you and i hope we can continue to get closer this year :) happy new year! <33

to: @cheolhub 🖤

SAR!!!! ik you haven't been super active as of late so i hope you've been well <3 you are genuinely so cool and i love you sm. i think i screamed when we became moots and then when we started actually talking to each other i screamed even more...embarrassing. well anyways moving on! you are so fucking funny and i love hearing about what you're up to whenever you reappear on disc. you singlehandedly made me reconsider my bias line in svt bc cheol is currently infiltrating it </3 also lmk if you ever need me to fight that girl bc i will do it. no questions asked. seriously though, i hope you're thriving in the year of 2024, happy new year <3

to: @toruro 🖤

mika mika mika hiiiii ^^ you are crazy in the best way tbh, i aspire to be as unhinged as you are...LMAO moving on, you are hella kind and such a fun person to talk to! i love hearing about what you get up to bc it's usually funny af. like. you are just so real. you are such a bright spot on tumblr, please never change because you are amazing and ilysm <3 also your writing is insane. i always start gnawing on my leg when i see that you posted bc i know it's gonna be a banger!!!! you never miss!!!!!!! okay anyways ily again and i hope you have a happy new year <3

to: @prodsh00ky 🖤

hi sam!!!!!!! i hope you've been doing well <3 i know our convos are sporadic af but i always enjoy talking to you and hearing all of your updates! i just think you're so cool and i always get so excited whenever i see you pop up in my messages. i also love talking about writing with you because you understand my pain LOL. i know you're quite busy so i hope everything in your life is going well!! i also hope that 2024 brings you great things because you truly deserve it :) happy new year!!!

to: @koqabear 🖤

sol....my enemy >:( i will not forget all of those assassination attempts that you tried on me throughout 2023. trust me, i won't. JK ANYWAYS HFJHHFDJ you are like the coolest most awesome person on this website to me and i am so grateful that we are friends <3 also grateful that we started talking this year after being moots for a long while. i've always wanted to talk to you tbh so i'm glad i stopped being a weak little bitch and finally did it 😹 i will always go insane over your fics and write like a 2k word essay in response each time, so i hope that doesn't bother you...i will not be stopping though so ig it doesn't matter.......anyways, happy new year!! here's to another year on this hellsite <3

to: @boba-beom 🖤

smiles!!! you are such a ray of light on my dash, i swear i always smile when i see that you've posted. i know we don't talk all that often but i genuinely am so grateful that we are mooties n friends :> you are one of my longest moots, and i am so glad that you have stayed on here as long as you have because idk what i would do without you fr <3 you are so talented and kind and just a wonderful person to be around! happy new year!! may you be happy n healthy this year <33

and to all of my lovely mutuals: @nightlyawnzz @wolfytae-exe @aduh0308 @hyuk4ngel @dearlyjun @takemehye @mazeinthemoon @tyunkus @mixtape-racha @huckleberrykai @naomiarai @hyukalyptus @mapofthemazeinthemirror @taegimood @blackhairedjjun @txtistheloml @heart2beom @majestyjun @fairyofshampgyu @ttyunz @huenation @cherrypeeking @tyungelic @ncteez @peachanonie @hyewka @heartchoi @beom-pyu @petrichor-han @hoshiseon @strawbrinkofdeath @delcakoo @beoms-sugar @minastras @0x11s @hwasdollie @mimziie @baekhvuns @wooyukh @venusiangguk @ah-ga-seven @jimilter @ateezmakemeweep

hello and happy new year!! i hope all of you doing well and that 2024 is treating you well so far :) no matter how much/little we interact, please know that i am so happy to be sharing this space with you ^^ that being said, i hope we can interact more this year!!! (i promise i will try to be less shy,, the keyword here is try) you are all amazing people and i love you all mwahhh <333

🖤 — january

27: give me more (m) — yeonjun ; est. relationship au, pwp

🩶 — february

regrettably empty :(

🤍 — march

23: 10:52 p.m. — soobin ; college au, introverts at a party

🖤 — april

04: frat boy!yeonjun

07: confession — chan ; best friends to lovers au + self-care (m) — seonghwa ; est. relationship au, soft smut

08: corruption (m) — hyunjin ; est. relationship au, corruption kink

11: stormy night (m) — seonghwa ; est. relationship au, hwa vs. your fear of storms (he wins)

13: industry lovers — yeonjun ; strangers to lovers au, idol!reader

16: guitar lesson — beomgyu ; best friends to lovers au

21: 2:54 p.m. — taehyun ; college lab partner au

🩶 — may

09: picnic date with boyfriend!yeonjun

16: brother's best friend (m) — yunho ; the au is the title lmfao + 10:21 p.m. (m) — soobin ; est. relationship au, car sex + early mornings with boyfriend!yeonjun

19: vacationing with boyfriend!yeonjun

27: 8:02 p.m — hueningkai ; jack frost au

28: cowboy!yeonjun (m-ish)

🤍 — june

01: double trouble (m) — hongjoong + seonghwa ; poly au

03: 9:05 p.m. (m) — yeonjun ; plane sex pt.1

06: 9:23 p.m. (m) — yeonjun ; plane sex pt.2

13: the horrors — yeonjun ; est. relationship au, horror actress!reader

23: txt finding out you have an onlyfans (m)

24: late night outing with boyfriend!soobin

26: dry humping (m) — minho ; pwp

🖤 — july

04: meeting odi for the first time with boyfriend!soobin

08: 12:43 a.m. (m) — yeonjun ; best friends to lovers au + best friend!txt finding out you write smut about them online

started my 3k event: love like the movies!! (which is still ongoing. i'm so sorry)

13: 3k event — yeonjun + howl's moving castle (m)

17: 3k event — beomgyu + titanic (m)

24: 3k event — taehyun + twilight (m)

31: 3k event — hueningkai + enchanted

🩶 — august

05: 11:01 p.m. (m) — yeonjun ; rockstar au + 3k event — soobin + the avengers

11: 11:58 p.m. (m) — yeonjun + taehyun ; stoner fratboys au

26: 3k event — taehyun + the proposal (m)

🤍 — september

02: 3k event — beomgyu + the devil wears prada (m)

12: ticket to nowhere (but your heart) (m) — yeonjun ; strangers to lovers au

21: untitled (m) — beomgyu ; college au, tutor!reader

22: untitled (m) — taehyun ; college au, nerd!taehyun

🖤 — october

03: telepathy (m) — beomgyu ; mind reader au

23: 3:13 a.m. (m) — beomgyu ; vampire au

🩶 — november

07: 9:51 p.m. (m) — soobin ; serial killer au

🤍 — december

started my 4k event: finish my 3k event LMAO

🖤 — writing plans

get my 3k (and now 4k?) event done (#1 priority after i finish my current soobin wip)

rings of saturn (tear me apart) (m) — taehyun ; college au, friends to lovers au

going under (m) — taehyun + kai ; surfers!tyunning, summer fling au

and they were roommates! (m) — choi line ; college au, new roommate!reader

cross (m) — yeonjun ; cyberpunk au, cyborg!yeonjun

wait on me — kai ; college au, cafe au

the language of love (and the woes that accompany it) — beomgyu ; soulmate au

love, unabridged — soobin ; single dad au, neighbors to lovers au

adagio (m) — yoongi ; second chance at romance au

art incarnate (m) — namjoon + seokjin ; cursed!seokjin, museum curator!namjoon, love triangle

and many many more..........you will see. this is just a taste >:)

🩶 — goals for this blog + myself

interact with more ppl! and more often!!

write 150k words?? we'll see...

write longer fics!!

plan a collab event ^^ i've always wanted to host one, and i think this year is the year!

that was long as hell (sorry)...anyways! once again, happy new year!! love you all <3

- ashlee

p.s. check out my 2023 fic recs post here :)

#tumblr is being wonky so i made a separate recs post </3 #also this is a wee bit late but pls ignore that #2023 wrap up #apologies if i missed anyone :(

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nikatyler · 4 months

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🌈 2023 ✨

Another year is over so it's time for a look back at what was happening on this blog! I haven't really been around, it was just my queue, and maybe that's one reason why I looked at my archive and went "huh" at everything. I don't remember much. The other reason why this year probably went poof in my head is because I was dealing with some mental health stuff lol. I say lol but it wasn't actually very lol but I'm doing better now and 2024...is looking promising for now.

So, let's talk more under the cut, shall we?

January

We're in Bridgeport and Sawyer is living his best life. You know, girlfriends, boyfriends, being turned into a vampire, giving birth to three little vampires, threatening to sell his enemies' organs on the black market...best life indeed.

February

Okay I am now seeing that "talking more" about every month will be impossible since I actually don't have much recollection of 2023 lmao

March

Sawyer and Erin are at the best point of their relationship, but we left them alone for a bit and went back to NSB. Pastel just moved to Strangerville and got a...rather strange roommate.

April

The rather strange roommate becomes Pastel's rather strange wife. I love these two so much. We also say hello to Moss -- and also to Ross, who returns from...god knows where. I mean yeah, there was the ts3 Ross, but technically they're two different people. Parallel universes and stuff.

May

Thea is born and strange wife Jesse gets even stranger. That whole "merging with the mother plant" thing was kinda weird but I really enjoyed it. Idk what I was on but it was fun. And then, before returning to the lepacy, I posted my Cottage Living screenshots! ...which were really just me going "uwu what does this do" on every possible Wicked Whims option.

June

...and I went from posting weird WW Ross stuff to posting wholesome Growing Together Ross stuff. If that gave you a whiplash, I am sorry, but imagine what it must be like for me. I'm locked with this guy in my head 24/7. He's the whiplash king. A blorbo to you, a curse to me. A beloved curse tho. Ok I'm getting weird. Back to the lepacy.

July

Lepacy time! Loved the soap opera Generations gen. Kinda wish I had sticked to some of the storylines instead of going "eh nvm I just wanna play". I'm not saying I regret not actually letting Saywer go on a killing spree but also...imagine if he went on a killing spree. You don't see that in lepacies often do ya

August

August was...welp 💀 I was at the grippy socks hospital for most of that month, 10/10 would recommend, but my queue ran out while I was there so I just reblogged some old stuff for a few weeks.

September

September is just lepacy month. Cornelia and Archer are happy, they get married, they get more children...yeah. Good wholesome Generations times all around. It's not like they're gonna get divorced later or anything.

October

The twins are kind of chaotic, one of them turns into a ghost, both then bring their cursed imaginary friends to life...and the final child of Archer and Cornelia is born.

November

I loved running into Sawyer at the grocery store all the time. Weird vampire alleged killer grandpa behavior suits him. Dorothea goes away to a boarding school, hates it there and instantly comes back. Relatable. Oh and midlife crisis hits Archer hard.

December

And we're in December! Dorothea enters her horsegirl era and finds herself a girlfriend...and we'll continue that in 2024!

What's in store for the new year besides the lepacy? Well, Not So Berry will be making a return (and HOPEFULLY we'll finally get to the end. we need to). There's a story I want to do in the NSB universe, if you know you know. Before we dive into the next lepacy generation, I'm thinking of another BC with the gen 7 heir...oh and Marika's Black Widow. Shoot and I'm starting an irl job in January. Yeah no we're not doing all this in 2024, don't count on it 💀 But I'll try.

Happy New Year! 🎇

#ts3 #ts4 #sims 3 #sims 4 #the sims 3 #the sims 4 #sims #simblr #fleur extra #breeze nsb legacy extra

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trulybetty · 4 months

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2023 Tumblr Top 10 Posts

This was really interesting to go through as I really try to avoid anything related to stats - but also fun to revisit some posts/fics I’d forgotten about!

This year was such a transformative year in many different ways, that I’m still trying to process with 2024 quickly approaching. I’m looking forward to seeing what the New Year brings. But I hope it brings me more of the same I’ve experienced here - community building and some wonderful people that I get to call friends 💕

So if you’re interested, check out the following! If you do your own Top 10, please tag me in it! 🙌 you can do your own here!

1. 879 notes - Jun 26 2023 - Pre-Outbreak/Non-Outbreak Joel (photo set)

2. 413 notes - Sep 10 2023 - Sequins (Joel)

Still so thankful for @wildemaven posting that gif - because if she hadn’t Sequins!Joel would never have been created! It’s the gift that keeps on giving. This was also my first foray into anything non-TLOU themed for Joel and I’m still shocked it was received so well.

3. 306 notes - Sep 26 2023 - Happy Birthday (Joel)

Written for Joel’s birthday - this was just straight up smut and birthday sex. But hey, it’s canon Joel likes it gentle, steady, nice and slow… so who was I to not give him nice and slow 🫠

4. 237 notes - Aug 16 2023 - Stood Up (Frankie)

To this day I don’t remember where this idea came from. I was really intimidated to write for Frankie, like I almost didn’t post this! But I’m so glad I did, it’s spurred several other one-shots involving Frankie x Mav and a current (neglected) WIP that I’m excited to get back to in the new year.

5. 227 notes - Aug 31 2023 - Marcus Pike coded Pedro, which inspired this (and number 7).

6. 225 notes - Jul 6 2023 - New (to me) Whiskey promo shoot (photo set)

7. 205 notes - Sep 2 2023 - Sick Day (Marcus)

When I first came back to fanfiction I was so confused by the reader insert format. The last time I wrote fanfic, it was canon characters or OC’s - which is what both Gold Rush and Chiffon (my first) are written in. So in order to try out the format I started with Marcus and what is now the Sweet Jane series. I have plans for those two, I have how they met mapped out in my head, that I hope to explore soon!

8. 175 notes - Aug 4 2023 - Strings (Joel)

This was another nerve wracking foray - reader insert Joel and because it was a challenge to write Joel with someone other than my OC. It started as a one-shot, that then was three parts, then four and finally finished at five. It’s also the only series I’ve managed to complete 😆. I’m so proud of this one, it has a special place in my heart - this is the ending Joel deserves, living on a little farmhouse being taken care of and a reluctant chicken dad.

9. 167 notes - Aug 14 2023 - A Sunday Night Ramble (text post)

This was a late night epiphany - where I realised that I was trying to force writing and make my two OG series’ fit into more palatable moulds for others consumption rather than writing the story I wanted. It’s also a good reminder that it’s okay to take a break from something that isn’t currently serving you. If you come back to it two day later, two weeks later or never - it’s okay. You’re not beholden to anyone. This is all supposed to be fun first and foremost, if you’re not having fun then it may be time to step back and re-evaluate.

10. 166 notes - Aug 24 2023 - Drip (Joel)

I still get sad when I think about this piece. Like real sad. I don’t know if I could write something like this again now - or ever. I was well and truly in my feels with this one. I made the decision to watch a walkthrough of all the cut scenes of TLOU2 and it broke me. I knew what was coming, but knowing and watching were two different things. I do like that I left this one open to interpretation - meaning I can revisit one day if I want, so who knows.

NPT’s: @wildemaven, @gnpwdrnwhiskey, @rhoorl, @morallyinept, @frenchiereading, @maggiemayhemnj, @magpiepills, @goodwithcheese, @secretelephanttattoo, @sin-djarin, @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin, @undercoverpena, @nerdieforpedro, @linzels-blog, @for-a-longlongtime, @avastrasposts, @musings-of-a-rose, @mysterious-moonstruck-musings & anyone else who wants to play - consider this me tagging you in! Please tag me if you do it! I’d love to see! 🙌

#trulybetty 2023 #trulybetty in review #tumblrtop10

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torra-and-the-toons · 1 year

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Welcome to my Cartoon Blog!

Torra | she/her | 1992 | Autistic | Fan Artist & Author

Hello! If you’re reading this it means you’ve found my blog! Just a few things before we get started that you should know about me and what I do here.

I post about whatever cartoon is tickling my brain at the moment, and I flit between hyperfixations like I’m playing duck-duck-goose. Ed Edd n Eddy is the only fandom I have major projects in, but I partake in a lot of other fandoms too. So just know, if you follow me for one fandom, it’s bound to change.

I ramble a lot. I tend to voice my thoughts out loud randomly into the void that is tumblr just because I like to talk to whoever may be listening. If that’s not your thing, you may want to block the #torra rambles tag! Don’t worry, it won’t hurt my feelings. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I want to do my best to make this blog enjoyable for all kinds of people.

My askbox is open, but I no longer take requests or answer head-canon related questions, but I’m happy to say hi. No Anons anymore, sorry.

If you’re just here for my art, I suggest looking for #torrasart. For any art I posted before February of 2024, I used #my art, #my doodles just FYI, but mass post editor was too confusing to change it, so I left it as is.

I try to be generally sfw, but I might still post/reblog suggestive text posts occasionally, tagged #suggestive, so minors beware...

I don’t want to have to block anybody but I will if I have to...

Please keep in mind that I have a full-time job that takes up a majority of my time and energy, but in spite of that I’m working as hard as I can to bring these projects to life. I also have pretty bad ADHD, which effects my ability to stay focused, but I’m trying. All I ask is for your patience and understanding. 💖

Ed Edd n Eddy Stuff

At the moment I have a few serious projects that I’m working on: My fan-comic, “In the Ed,” my fanfiction, “In the Sky of a Million Stars” and my most recent venture is just my unnamed Torra AU where I unleash my weird furry self-insert/OC into the cul-de-sac like a lunatic because I can’t make normal human OC’s.

IN THE ED

Horror AU, Supernatural Themes, Trigger Warning for blood and possible gore, Content Warning for language and violence.

"Nobody knew it existed. In fact this was the first time anyone had set eyes upon this hilltop manor for quite some time..." Four years after the events of the Big Picture Show, the Eds and friends find themselves in a brand new, death-defying adventure that's sure to shift the genres.

tags: #in the ed comic, #wip shot, #in the ed refs

This fan-comic is also on Ao3 for slightly easier readability!

Introduction Page!

CHAPTER 1: Peach Creek Manor

[1-5] [6-10] [11-15] [16-20] [21-25 (coming soon)]

IN THE SKY OF A MILLION STARS

Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Trigger Warning for Suicide Attempts, Content Warning for language and blood

Eddy has always been a man of many fears, but above all else, his greatest fear has always been the inevitability of growing up. Now, with adulthood staring him in the face, he just can’t take it. Why couldn’t things have stayed the way they were? AU where the BPS never happened, and Eddy struggles with the changes happening around and within him. Loosely based on the song "One More Light," by Linkin Park.

tags: #a million stars fic, #a million stars art

Follow it on Ao3 to get the latest updates!

Torra AU [not official name, and no banner image yet]

Comedy, OC, Content warning for language but overall trigger-safe, I think. Unless you have a fear of tigers

tags: #torra oc, #torra au, #torra and the eds

The Isaac Saga [no banner yet]

Comedy with some hurt/comfort themes.

A collection of comics and drawings about the cat I made for Double Dee named Isaac.

tags: #isaac the cat, #small things with great ed

Small Things with Great Ed Part 1

[pages 1-5] [6-10] [11-15]

#pinned post #long post #I've wanted to revamp my pinned post for a while now

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deannagrey · 4 months

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A Mendell Christmas: Part Two

A/N: I meant to have this up so much sooner! The end of the year was far busier than I expected. And because I had to take care of some personal things, my writing became a low priority. Thankfully, I finally have time to sit down again.

This Christmas project became far longer than I expected (I still have one more part to post). When I finished this part, I hesitated to share it because it didn't feel exciting or interesting. It felt too cheesy. But then I remembered how much I used to write when I was younger. And how much I used to just want to have fun. So, I've decided that's what all my posts on this Tumblr will be: simple fun. The characters might be all over the place, the dialogue might sound weird, and there probably won't be any real plot. But I want a space to have fun again. Writing as a job has been a blessing but it's not my escape anymore. I miss it being my escape.

So, for the year ahead I want to post random writing on this blog! Stories, shorts, and snapshots of characters that may or may not be in my published books. This is my sandbox. My place for quiet moments with the characters I love. I hope you enjoy this quiet moment with Finn and Sam. I had so much fun being back in their heads and spending more time with them.

Happy New Year! I hope 2024 brings you everything you desire. I hope you enjoy these small moments too.

(Also apologies for any inaccuracies! I'm Florida-born & raised, I don't know how frozen lake fishing works and didn't want to do research for such a small piece of writing lol)

Finn

“We’re going on a road trip,” Sam said as he joined me in the kitchen.

“When?” I stirred sugar into Naomi’s morning tea.

“As soon as you get your shoes on,” he said.

I looked up, noting how he was already dressed. “Are we in a hurry?”

“Oh yeah.” Sam glanced at the time on his phone. “Should have left here an hour ago.”

“You’re not going to get everyone else ready on such a tight schedule. You know Henrik’s going to need at least an hour to make food to pack.”

“Well it’s a good thing they’re not invited, isn’t it?”

I raised my brow at Sam’s smile. It’s the first time I’ve seen his smile reach his eyes since Aderyn asked for space and time. There’s a lightness to his energy. An excitement I’ve been trying to draw out of him for weeks. I kept failing over and over until disappointment became an all too familiar feeling.

Being there for Naomi felt like putting on custom-made skates with the blades perfectly sharpened for a smoothed rink surface. When trying to comfort the guys, I was in secondhand skates, trying to stay upright on an uneven, frozen lake.

Maybe today could be different. Sam was already primed for a good time. All I had to do was lean in and try to summon a bit of old Finn energy. Some part of me must remember how to be a good friend to him. If not, I'd learn. I'd already learned how to talk to people again…kind of.

“What’s the destination?” I asked while topping off Naomi’s drink with oat milk.

“A trip down memory lane,” Sam said. “It’s my not-so-secret Santa gift.”

My stomach jumped, curiosity making me more alert. I’d been vehemently against learning about my past earlier this semester. But after finding my own rhythm and becoming more confident in the person I was now, I couldn’t help but harbor a bit of wonder about what I’d left behind. What memories I’d once shared now only belonged to one person.

“That cool with you?” Sam asked just in case. “It’s fine if not. I know you’ve been hesitant but figured—or maybe hoped—you were more comfortable with it now that things seem to be better for you. You're more settled.”

“Umm…” My mind was trying to catch up to everything.

“I got a far more traditional gift option as a plan B,” Sam offered.

“No, I mean, yeah, I’m cool with that. With the memory lane,” I said quickly. My curiosity evolved into nerves. What if I didn’t like it and that fucked up his mood again? I wasn’t good at faking happiness. Hell, I was barely good at expressing happiness even when it was genuine.

“Relax,” Sam said gently. “If you hate it we’ll come right back, no questions asked.”

The muscles in my shoulders loosened a bit.

“Sound good?” he asked.

“Sounds great,” I assured.

Sam

Whenever Finn was keeping something to himself, he became an excessive throat clearer. Even after his accident that hadn’t changed. On the ride out of town, I listened to his symphony of nerves. And let him go on until I decided to throw him a line.

“It’s a good memory,” I promised and smiled over at him. “If that does anything to help your anxiety.”

Finn grunted, pretending to be more interested in whatever he was doing on his phone.

“A memory that'll make you feel all fuzzy and warm,” I teased. "Like the teddy bear, you truly are thanks to Naomi."

He rolled his eyes. “That so?”

“Yup.” I put on my turning signal, pulling off of the busy highway.

Finn and I used to be inseparable when we were in middle school. As we got older we were far less codependent but still close. Close enough for it to sting like hell when I realized he wasn’t going to remember most of what we’d been through.

Sometimes, when I looked at Finn, I saw the guy who used to sneak me an extra Jello in the lunch room because he knew how rough the first half of my day was. Sometimes I saw the hothead who’d threaten anyone who hurt me even though most of the time he was far outnumbered. Sometimes I saw the guy who told me I’d be the best choice for captain despite my then doubts. Those parts of him were still there and alive. So even if the parts of him we shared were forever gone, I found comfort in those memories.

“It’s not my goal to try and spark something,” I said gently. “Today is just for fun. We really loved this place. I still do and I figured you should see it and maybe…I don’t know, you might find some joy here too. What was that thing you told me about muscle memory?”

“I can always count on it.”

“Exactly. I wanted you to feel that this year. Remember you can have something to count on and a place to go if you need.”

It was quiet for a minute as I made our final turn. Finn cleared his throat once more before saying, “Thanks…for letting me know you’re not trying to trigger a memory. I like the idea of just being here…with you.”

“Look at us, a couple of assholes with hearts. What have Naomi and Aderyn done to us…?” My mood shifted slightly at my mention of Aderyn. I chewed on my bottom lip, hoping Finn didn’t sense my brief dip in energy. Unfortunately, he’s getting better at reading between the lines.

“I don’t know how to get you to talk about it,” Finn confessed. “I’m sure there was a method I used before.”

“It’s fine,” I said quickly. “I usually mope around until one of you guys gets pissed enough to drag it out of me. You weren’t the only one to try and help.”

“I know but…I was your person, right? Your main person.”

My main person. That’d shifted over the years. I bounced between all the guys. And now, Aderyn was in that mix. She could have probably been at the center of it if things hadn’t gotten so twisted.

“You still are.” I pulled into a parking spot that faced the river.

“I just have to figure out how to make you talk,” he said.

“Don't stress about it too much. I'm good. Or, will be good eventually."

Finn followed my lead out of the car. He watched as I unloaded a gym bag and a couple of folding chairs from the trunk. He was quiet until he saw me check the bag for my ice pick.

“We’re not secretly murderers, are we?” he asked when he saw my stash.

I snorted. I'm sure he was joking but Finn’s deadpan delivery often left me with some uncertainty.

“Nope. Just two fishermen are about to waste their time while the sun comes up.”

Finn frowned when I tossed him the extra bag of supplies. “We’re going out there?”

His finger pointed toward the frozen lake. Snowfall had been sparse this morning. The lake would be picturesque once the sun leaked over the horizon. We were already getting a sneak peek of what the morning would have to offer, so I decided to hurry Finn up.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but we don’t feel like people who fish,” Finn called after me.

I laughed as I continued our trek forward. The snow crunched underneath my boots. “We weren’t until we met Mr. Meyers."

Finn paused for a second. "Mr. Meyers?"

I froze too, my stomach jumping with excitement. "You remember?"

"Not at all."

It was hard to mask my slight disappointment. Sometimes – when I least expected – it hurts to hold memories on my own.

"Meyers was an old guy who spent all his free time over there during the summer." I pointed to the boardwalk about a half mile away. "And around here in the winter."

I gestured to the middle of the lake. At our backs was the parking lot and to our front a dark, thick tree line that was covered in frost. It smelled like sixth grade out here, all pine needles and frozen earth.

"We met him out here when we decided we would become Boy Scouts." I unfolded the chairs and pulled out our Thermos. Henrik had enough time to force me into packing something warm to drink. I was grateful for his persistence now that the cold wind was biting at our skin. Finn let out an agreeing sigh when I offered him the Thermos.

"We were Boy Scouts?" Finn asked.

"No, not officially." I chuckled at his look of confusion. "We wanted to be but your folks couldn't afford the annual membership at the time and wouldn't accept the money from my dad."

He nodded. "I suppose I wouldn't have either. At least not now…it doesn't feel right."

"You're stubborn. Always have been, always will be," I agreed. "But I would have convinced you to take it if your parents didn't have the final say. But, anyway, we decided we'd be Boy Scouts on our own. And that meant earning badges on our own. Of course, our first attempt couldn't be something simple like learning to tie a knot. No, we wanted to fish in the dead of winter. Like someone in a post-apocalyptic Arctic landscape, as you put it – you were really into post-apocalyptic books back then."

"Was I?" Finn nodded and undoubtedly tucked that information away for later like he always did with tidbits I shared.

"Hardcore. So you had me out here hammering away at the ice with a screwdriver." I laughed at the memory of us on our hands and knees, trying to chip away the ice with runny noses and burning ears. "Mr. Meyers saw and got on us until he was blue in the face. When we finally got a word in, we let him know that we weren't trying to crack through the lake and drown. But we were trying to be resourceful members of society. He folded then and decided as a former boy scout himself, it was his job to teach us everything he knew."

Finn smiled and I motioned for him to come closer. I talked him through how Mr. Meyers showed us the way to create a clean circle in the ice. I explained how we were supposed to pick a spot where the ice was thickest and the cracks were little to non-existent.

"He made us badges," I said when we settled into our seats. "Whenever we learned something new and proved ourselves to him, he'd have these incredibly unique badges that'd he designed from scratch. The guys at school got so jealous that some of them quit the Boy Scouts and wanted to be taught under Meyers."

"Did they?"

I shook my head and pulled out our fishing rods. "Meyers wouldn't teach anyone but me and you. Said he only had enough time and energy for two pupils. And he only had enough extra cash for two sets of badges. For a moment, we were the cool kids…until people decided Boy Scouts were dorky and gaming was everything."

"Sounds like we had a lot of fun." Finn smiled. Maybe he was playing the spoken memory over in his head, trying to fill in details to construct something he'd be able to recall. Or maybe he was simply smiling because I hadn't stopped. I felt good today. Better than I had in a while and that's because I enjoyed being outside. I enjoyed the open sky, the chilled air, and being able to sit across from Finn. I loved my friends but these quiet moments with Finn were few and far between. After almost losing him, I cherished this.

"I'm sorry," I said, my smile fading when I realized what I'd done.

"Huh?" Finn frowned.

"I…I brought you here as a gift but just realized–" I sighed and ran my hand over my head. "This was more of a gift for me than you. I was being selfish bringing you here. I thought it'd be nice to get away and be like we used to but this doesn't mean much to you."

"Sam, this is good. This is fun," Finn said firmly. "I'm having fun."

The tightness in my chest loosened. "Really?"

"I'm not a good liar just yet," he reminded me with a smile.

"True." I laughed in agreement and leaned over to bait my hook. Finn did the same, listening to my instructions on how to do it. He watched me toss the line in before mimicking my motion.

"I have something else for you," I announced once our hooks had sunk. "You didn't get to earn your last badges because, like the other guys at school, you thought Boy Scouts were dorky."

"Really?" Finn's forehead furrowed as if he was disappointed in himself.

"Yeah, but I kept coming to hang out with Meyers," I said. "Got a couple more badges until he got sick."

"Is he…" Finn paused, not sure how to finish.

"He's fine," I quickly confirmed. "Lives in Florida now with his granddaughter."

Finn nodded, relieved for a man he didn't remember but would forever be tied to through me.

"I got him to send over the badges you didn't get to earn." I dug through my bag and pulled them out. I'd wrapped each one in green and red striped paper. They were misshaped and poorly taped up presents but Finn accepted them like they were precious pieces of gold.

"You can't open them yet," I reminded him. Lincoln wanted all of us to open them together. Since a fishing trip couldn't be wrapped, I figured it was best to do it before Christmas. But, the tangible gifts were to be kept for later.

"But you when do–" I shrugged and laughed, feeling silly all of a sudden. "--we could finish earning them together. Like, gradually, throughout the year when we have time. I already have mine so I could make sure to teach you how to do it. Teach you in a way I'm sure Meyers will be proud–at least, I hope. You could finally fill up your sash–even though it's probably collecting dust in your family's basement and you don't care like that. But lately, you've been really into renovating the house and you look like you used to when we were kids."

"That's why I like doing it," Finn said as he took a deep breath. "I think the muscle memory part of me liked figuring out the practical."

I smiled. "I think so too. It's a part of you."

"This was perfect, Sam. I…thank you." Finn looked back down at his badges, which now felt like pieces of himself he didn't know were missing. "I can't wait to earn these with you."

"Not too dorky anymore, is it?" I teased.

He shook his head. "Not in the slightest."

We were quiet for a moment, enjoying the sun's heat as it crawled up in the sky and the warm tea that I'd accidentally put too much sugar in. The fish never bit. Finn never remembered Meyers on his own. But none of that mattered. We were happy. We were once again on track to earn badges. Once again trying to figure shit out together.

#mendellhawksseries

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prettylittlelyres · 3 months

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2023 - My Year in Writing

Hello, friends! Happy New Year to all of you!

I hope 2024 is fabulous and fun... but also very calm and soothing, even if it needs to be a little bit boring. I think most of us need a slightly boring year after whatever mess 2023 was. All I see - all over the internet - today are posts about how 2023 was a giant mess for nearly everyone, and while that makes me feel less alone, it also makes me a little sad for everyone else who had trouble with it.

I am sure 2024 will be better, because, for goodness sake, it can't get worse. And, on the bright side, the Gävlebocken (Gävle Goat) has been gobbled up by jackdaws, and I firmly believe that to be a good omen. May 2024 bring us abundance as the goat brought abundance to the birds of Gävle. (We derve some tasty abundance.)

But, with the start of a new year comes the end of an old one, and that means it's time for me to write about all the writing I did in 2023.

This was the year I tried to be kind to myself, and I certainly succeeded in that. I'm proud of the leeway I have given myself this year, and - perhaps ironically - I have achieved more because of it. Letting myself work without pressure has always been difficult for me, but I think I finally learnt to do it in 2023.

So, here's what I did.

The best thing I did was start joining in with the writers' Discord server I joined last year. I lurked for a long time, never really piping up in the group chats, because I never really felt like I had anything to say. I didn't write anything like as much in 2022 as I wanted to (would you believe I started the year with a bullet journal page covered in New Year's Resolutions for Writing that included "finish redrafting 2 novels", "write 2 novels from scratch" and "plot another 2 novels"?) and I was upset with myself about it. At the end of 2022, I found out that I'd been quite ill for a while, and started getting better, and I decided I'd be kinder to myself from the start of 2023.

So, whenever I wrote anything, I mentioned it in the group chat where we share our daily wordcounts and achievements (no matter how "small", they are all worth celebrating), and started chatting to the other writers here and there. We had meetups on Zoom, and communal sprints on Twitch that really helped me get back into the swing of writing happily in January and February. I started to feel like a proper writer again, like part of a real community, and I can't quite express how thankful I am to the server for helping me get that feeling back.

I got 78,000 words written in the first 2 months of the year, mostly working on a character study for a story that I've put on hold until I can work out exactly what I want to happen to its characters. I've explored how they'd behave in certain situations, and thrown problems at them to see how they cope (badly!). But a story needs a storyline, and that storyline needs to be coherent, so I've mothballed the project until a good one comes along.

I also started journalling about my reading in the first few months of the year. I did an extensive study of "The Restless Dark" by Erica Waters, and absolutely loved it, filling an entire notebook with my thoughts on what was happening and what might happen next. I haven't kept up such a meticulous habit for the rest of the year, but it helped me focus on reading in a way I haven't done in previous years.

In the end I read 40 books, and the ones I enjoyed most were, "Tell Me I'm Worthless," by Alison Rumfitt, and, "All the Young Men," by Ruth Coker-Burks.

"Tell Me I'm Worthless," is a horror novel about how extremists will manipulate traumatised people to get them on side, but its core message feels like, "It's always possible to recover."

"All the Young Men" is Coker-Burks' memoir about nursing and providing community support to people living with - and dying from - AIDS in Hot Springs, Arkansas, all through the height of the crisis. Heartbreaking and heartwarming in equal parts, it reminds us all that, no matter how bleak things are, someone, somewhere, will want to help.

In April 2020, I started writing "Journal of a Pandemic", which has turned out to be a much longer project than I ever anticipated it to be. It's a chronicle of my life in the COVID19 pandemic, observing the changes I'm seeing in the world at large as well as in my own personal life. I wish I hadn't been able to write it this year, or at least that I'd been able to rename it - "Journal of a..." well, just about anything would be better than a pandemic, I think - but it's still happening. COVID19 still hasn't gone away, and I still can't go out in public without a mask on, because I'm high-risk. The bright side of my generally dodgy health is that I've been more careful with myself, and only had coronavirus once, in Summer 2022. I managed to escape it entirely in 2023, and didn't get any colds either. I'm eligible for continued vaccinations, which I've been having as they've become available, and I'm doing OK! One day I hope to put the pandemic journal aside, and keep a copy safe to show future generations, but unfortunately that day hasn't yet come.

Throughout 2023, I was working on various drafts of "Violins and Violets", a historical fiction (and historical romance) novel that I started writing in 2018. I kept on getting stuck within the first three chapters, getting "sidetracked" (or so I thought) by early plot points. My aim in 2023 was to redraft the novel to develop Katharina's character more before the inciting incident (when her father forbids her to compose, and burns all the work she's done so far), but I just couldn't get to that point. Originally, it was the beginning of Chapter One! In the outline I'd revised to make the new draft, it was Chapter Four, and I couldn't get past Chapter Three. There was just so much that I wanted to write about...

...but then I realised one day that I needed to make the events before the burning into a novel of their own, and "Violins and Violets" needed to become a series of three books! That "three book" idea quickly became a "five book" idea, and I started working on the first book that day.

The first draft of the first "Violins and Violets" book, which I started on 31st July, became my project for NaNoWriMo, and I'm pleased to say that I won with it! I then took the first 13 days of December to finish it off, and ended up with a complete draft of about 96,000 words. I started the sequel on 14th December, and got 18,000 words of that book down by midnight on 31st December. It's been a number of years since I've written so much so quickly, and I don't think I finished a single draft of any book in 2022. (Although maybe I finished off the longer version of "Vogeltje" early on? I'm not sure!)

I'm very excited to see what I can write in 2024, but I'm going to keep being kind to myself, and take it easy. No pressure to get anything done... but I'd really like to finish the sequel, and get the next book or two in the series drafted, too. I'd like to read more historical fiction, to develop my understanding of the genre, and if I can read some more histfic focused on music and art in particular, I'll be really pleased.

Month-by-Month Breakdown

November - 50,000+ words (won NaNoWriMo!)

January - 40,850 words

February - 37,150 words

December - 29,500 words

July - 24,125 words

March - 22,000 words

May - 18,000 words

October - 13,750 words

September - 12,750 words

August - 9,000 words

April - 8,750 words

June - 5,875 words

Total - 271,750 words

average 745 per day, 22,645 per month

(Sharp-eyed magpies amongst you may notice that I'm posting this on 17th January 2024, and you're right in thinking that's rather later in the month than I intended. It's for a very good, happy reason, though: I've been working on my sequel to "Ladies Don't Write Music" and so far in January I've added almost 32k to the manuscript, bringing me up to nearly 50k total!)

#writeblr #blog #writer's life #2023 my year in writing #2023 in writing #2023 #2023 round up #2023 wrapped #writeblr wrapped

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katiyasebayang · 4 months

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Happy New Year 2024

Hello.

It's me again. And it's new year again. Been quite a long time since I come here and talk.

I spent my Christmas and New Year in Yogyakarta, a city that felt like a second home to me. It speaks to me in flashes of memories of a young woman I used to be. I even got to visit my university and taste a little bit of that bittersweet nostalgia. Good times, indeed.

"You're not that special. Nobody is paying close attention to you, people are occupied with their own lives anyway. So you do you."

That concludes the conversation I had the other day with some friends. The sentences may sound harsh but the purpose is to bring enlightenment that the fear of judgement is often what holds us back. While, yes, I believe it's still important to consider other people's opinions and views bout what we do, it could also hinder the process of being who we truly are and what we want to achieve further in our lives.

I think there are times--back when I was younger (why do I talk as though I'm fifty years old)-- that I do things to fill other people's expectations. The eagerness to fit into a certain image and all that. Looking back now, I realize how easy it could've make me lose the sense of who I really am.

In the end, realizing that others may not scrutinize us as much as we think liberates us from unnecessary self-doubt. Probably easier said than done, but hey, life is a long journey anyway. It might have some obstacles here and there, but long as the sun still shines, so should you.

Bring it on, 2024!

#personal #writing

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wiredalienvampire · 4 months

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End of 2023 Reflection: in which I reflect everything that happened to me this year before it ends

This was an interesting year. I don't particularly think it is the worst year I had but,I feel like 2023 was a little worse than 2022 I'm some aspects. Junior year is painful, my parents are still prone to being hostile to each other and every month it seems they get in a heated argument, and ever since I realized I was turning 16 before my birthday came I had just been thinking about my future and adulthood recently and made some very less than ideal realizations about myself and my life in general.

I had always had moments like this,but this is very apparent because I am 2 years from turning 18. When I turn 17 in 2024, adulthood will be in pissing distance by that time. I had just been thinking endlessly about the future and everything about my life up until that point. I have been working on driving since may, I have gotten competent in terms of skills but I need more practice, especially if I want to act on what I want to do in the future. I have become much more recluse then last year, I had been talking to my irl friends even less and I struggle to start any interaction with my online ones. i often had moments where I don't even feel agonizing sad like I was back in 2020 but just empty and miserable.

But I can't bring myself to say it was completely shit however. I mean I managed to survive sophomore year of high school, I had been dabbling in learning music theory,because I adore music and I want to analyze it in a meaningful way and some day become a song writer, I had been doing some deep dives on pre-columbian mexican history, and I had been wanting to create an outline of the events of my oc story I want to tell and talk about more often, with a lot of changes. And my Spanish has been improving and I have been trying my best to talk to my family in said language, still haven't mastered it however. Also, I have been documenting my dreams that I have been having since June,in a little dream diary ♡.

I don't really know how else to word this but I'll try, this year was a mess, a huge mess, but it had some good in it, and I want to believe that 2024 will be nicer to me, I really want it to. I had discovered many things about myself and the world I live in, I can only hope it can be like that but less painful.

It's 11 where I live as of making this post, but I pray that 2024 will be a year where I can flourish and won't be as stressed and sad as I was this year. happy new years everyone, I love you all ♡

#sorry for putting a whole ass novel on your dash btw.#i should write a fucking book or something #*ramble txt

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just-a-wondrous-wanderer · 4 months

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Whimsical Turns

2023 is definitely my year.

Sure, there were moments of sadness, never-ending questions of "when will it be my turn?" and tears. Yet, there were even more remarkable moments—dreams turned into reality, genuine happiness, and much more. Somehow, I feel a twinge of guilt for letting my worries overshadow the many moments that made me happy and truly made this year great.

I can recall how I asked God for a few things, but He gave me more, and they turned out to be even better than the plans I thought were the best. He showed me many things I deemed impossible but were possible through Him. I unexpectedly traveled to numerous places, made friends, and met countless people. I've learned that observing a situation from a different perspective provides many valuable insights. Open-mindedness, I've discovered, is essential. He also allowed me to see and experience what it feels like to be known and seen. I used to think I was always the difficult person to choose and pursue, but in the last part of the year, God made it possible. My heart is incredibly happy and at peace, and I hope the coming year brings a sense of "It's now my turn."

I am immensely grateful for this year because this write-up is probably very different from the ones I crafted in previous years—lengthy and detailed. Now, I simply want to express my deep gratitude to all the people, challenges, remarkable and winning moments, and even the little things that made 2023 my favorite so far.

With lots of plot twists, I eagerly anticipate 2024. My faith and hope in God have sustained me throughout, and I am carrying them into the next year. I hope for a peaceful, happy, love-filled, and kind 2024. May I become the person I am dreaming of being.

Thank you, 2023!

#writing #writers #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled ink #thoughts #random thoughts #random things #written #books and libraries

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lacharcutiere · 3 years

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still [sawamura daichi]

1,6k words

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part eight of i’m gone i’m gone i’m gone miniseries. you can only put these things off for so long.

JST: japanese standard time (GMT +9). EST: eastern standard time (GMT -5). EDT: eastern daylight time (GMT -4).

tings // fluff, a little bit of angst, kinda suggestive at the end ?? // i swear this søng is abøut eating øut my best friend's pussy - cøzybøy // dm, ask or comment to be added to taglist ! minors dni.

☾𓆙𓂻

— JAPAN, SUMMER 2024.

the summer passes like this: you and daichi laughing too loudly in busy restaurants and train cars; having arms around each other in the back of taxis on the way home from clubs; making instant udon at three a.m.; walking up and down the neighborhood a hundred times; laying silently side by side and not needing to say anything. it's a routine, it's familiar—it's home.

a couple weeks before you're set to head back to new york, daichi asks you a question as you lay next to him on a blanket in your driveway, staring up at the stars.

"have you decided what your plans are after college?"

"i'm gonna come back here."

"i thought you wanted to go to grad school? you can do way better in the states, especially with a degree from columbia."

you roll onto your side so you can look at him better. "i know. but i've been away too long already. i miss you."

he gives you a little smile. "but i'm right here."

"right here is pretty fucking far from america."

"hm."

that's the end of the conversation.

— 2 AUGUST 2024. 23:09 JST.

everything happens the exact same way it has for the past three years: he takes you to the airport. you try hard not to cry; you say your goodbyes. check-in, security, buy some candy to eat at the gate. board the plane. sixteen hours later, you're in america.

one thing was different, though.

when he said goodbye, his lips touched yours.

you don't stop thinking about it for weeks.

☾𓆙𓂻

— AUGUST TO NOVEMBER 2024.

slightly relieving is the fact that amid thesis writing and too many classes and working an internship under one of your professors (that one's nice, it even earns you enough to get a small apartment a few blocks from campus), there proves to be little time to be spent missing daichi.

you finesse your schedule to fit weekly facetimes on friday evenings (new york time) and shoot random texts back and forth about your day between classes and during meals, and without much space for anything else, it's enough. good things are worth waiting for, anyway.

— DECEMBER 2024.

but then winter sem break rolls around and there's no school so it's back to having too much lonely alone time with your thoughts. you write daichi a christmas card and drop it off at the post office. it's early this year, but oh, well.

☾𓆙𓂻

a week before christmas you receive a call from an unknown number. the phone speaker crackles when you accept the call.

“hello?”

“hey.” the voice on the other end is bright, smiley, accented. it’s tōru.

“tōru? what’s up?”

“i’m outside,” he says, “come down and meet me?”

you’re a little confused, but you decide to humor him. “uh, okay, give me a minute… do i need anything?”

“bring a coat, it’s cold out. i’ll be waiting down here.” the call ends.

a few minutes later you push through the doors of the building to be met with a brisk wind and tōru standing by a payphone, grinning.

“do you have your subway pass?”

you feel inside your pocket for it and nod.

“good,” he says. “come on, we’re in a hurry.”

“where are we going?”

“downtown.”

“ohhkay?”

he laughs. “‘s not anything you won’t like, promise.”

you follow him into the nearest subway entrance, lost in thought as you push through the barrier and step onto the train. it's only when he nudges you and says, "this is our stop," that you realize you've been looking at the ground the whole time.

tōru notices how absent you seem to be and asks, "are you okay?"

"i would be if i knew what was going on," you respond.

"yeah," he says, leading you up the stairs and into the terminal, "yeah, i think you will be."

you're in grand central. tōru asks if he can borrow your phone for a second. when he hands it back to you, he doesn't say anything, just takes you by the arm smiling widely and leads you into the fray of commuters that fill the station.

"tōru!" you groan, "can't you just tell me where we're going?"

"magnolia," he replies simply.

"we came all the way here just for coffee?"

"mhm."

"tōru!" he stops walking and turns back to you, trying and failing miserably to stop grinning for a second. "what the fuck?"

"come on," he says, "you'll like it."

"we've been here before! what's so special about—"

"you'll see."

☾𓆙𓂻

coffee in grand central is surprisingly good. it's also surprisingly expensive. ah, well, it's new york. new york has much more to offer than just overpriced cafés.

such as... this. such as a laughing man that leads a remarkably pissed-off looking girl by the arm, towards this stupidly good, stupidly overpriced café.

the pair are weaving through a stream of people, almost there, and then they're there, and the girl is looking much less agitated now. she looks somewhere between crying and wanting to run in the opposite direction. thank god, she chooses the former.

he loves you. so much.

☾𓆙𓂻

"daichi?" you mean it to be a scream but your voice cracks a little and it comes out airy.

he has the exact same look on his face that tōru's had this whole time. "hi."

"oh my god, what the fuck?"

"you said it was lonely, tōru told me maybe it would be nice for you to have a date for new year's, i had some extra money saved up. so i came."

"you— what?" you look back at tōru. "you planned this? just? last minute?"

"nah," daichi laughs, "no, i meant to come visit you for christmas a while ago. i already had tickets and everything, i was gonna tell you but then i got your card and figured it might be more fun if it were a surprise."

"oh my god." that's all you can think to say.

— CHRISTMAS 2024.

you can't even explain how good it feels to wake up and walk into the living room to find daichi asleep on your couch on christmas morning, how good it feels for it to not just be you. the whole time he's been here, though, you've forced yourself not to think about the fact that he's going back home in a week and a half, forced yourself not to do anything just yet. soon, though. just a few more months.

☾𓆙𓂻

when he wakes up, you're making coffee for the two of you.

"merry christmas," he says, wrapping one arm around your shoulders. he places a card on the counter in front of you. "open it."

its message is simple.

you do as it says.

"i, uh, haven't gotten you anything yet, but—"

"daichi," you laugh, "it's okay. and um, i may have also not been able to get you anything. also because i didn't know you'd be here."

"wait, wait, i'm not finished."

"okay?"

"what do you want to do after you're done this year of school?"

"i already told you," you say, "i'll move back home."

"no, what do you want to do? you want to go to grad school, right? continue studying here?"

"no, i just want to stop waiting." you sigh, a little frustrated. "i don't wanna have to keep putting this off, it's been—"

he cuts you off. "i'll be here."

"huh?"

"i'll be here. or wherever."

"i don't get it?"

you've always loved the way daichi's nose scrunches up when he smiles. "you're the one planning on studying more, not me. not immediately, anyway. i'll go with you."

"daichi."

"what?"

"you're fucking joking."

he laughs; you look so confused right now. "i'm not. promise."

"i don't even—"

"hey."

"hm?"

"think you can handle long-distance for five months?"

"uh—" you inhale sharply. "yeah."

"good," he says, "then we don't have to keep putting this off."

it's been five months since you last let your lips touch his. it still feels just like the first time it happened.

— 31 DECEMBER, 2023. 19:36 EST.

he tries not to let you pay for dinner, but in the end, you slip the waiter your card while daichi's in the bathroom. it's his birthday; it's your treat.

and after dinner, there's that new year's eve party that tōru's been going on about. it feels good, so good, not to be there alone. it feels good to watch the broadcast from downtown and count the seconds to midnight as daichi's arms are wrapped around you from behind. the clock reaches zero; daichi kisses you hard. you're both drunk on champagne.

you watch him smile across the room at tōru, who's got his girl on his arm. the two of them look happy, too. everything is warm.

— DEPARTURE: 3 JANUARY 2025. 08:15 EST.

daichi's asleep next to you when the alarm on his phone goes off. you'll miss not waking up next to him for the next five months, but at least that's all it will be.

he makes faces at you in the mirror as you both brush your teeth; keeps trying to tug your sweater off when you get dressed. you spend these thirty minutes laughing with him until it hurts. the two of you take the subway back to grand central; make out in a corner of the terminal while he waits for his train to jfk international to arrive.

"see you in may."

— 21 JANUARY 2025.

taglist: @sakruisin-thru @softetsurou @oligbia

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not-a-statement · 6 years

Text

Chasing ghosts. Chapter 1

I’m finally posting the first chapter.

Forgive me for my grammar, like I said I'm not a native speaker, but I hope you'll find it at least readable.

As always big thanks to @edward-or-ford for all his help and guidance

I’ll soon figure out how to create a master post, but just for now I’ll leave a link to a prologue (if you haven’t read it) here

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter

New City, NY, August 31st 2024

Dipper set aside the empty glass and glanced around at the merry people gathered to celebrate the Pines twins’ birthday. There were friends, a couple of relatives, colleagues. Mostly the Zach Turner’s colleagues: Dipper himself did not have personal contact with many people every day. A freelance journalist is called freelance for a reason. But if you are a stockbroker, even a beginner, then you might be in this kind of crowd. All of them fit, most of them tanned (probably from a solarium), wearing fancy Trussardi polos, a full set in order to impress you. To make you believe that you are looking at a wealthy confident man who knows no worries and ready tackle any money issues.

No, It’s not that Dipper could blame them, it's just their job to look successful and reliable. But from all this dazzling crowd hanging out in the backyard of the house he began to feel a ruffling sensation in his eyes. As if somebody poured a bucket of transparent glue on each of them and after they were shot with a sequins canon or whatever. It’s just seemed that each movement of these people somehow refracted the rays of sunlight at such an angle to hit Dipper directly in the eyes with a piercing beam. But anyway, Mabel was probably over-delighted with this kind display. Somehow it became a sort of tradition for the past ten years: what was painful for Dipper was pretty joyfull for Mabel.

Pines mentally kicked himself for that last thought. It sounded terrible, even if he didn’t say it out loud. And it sounded even worse coming from the thoughts of a loving brother.

Hah, a loving ... brother. It's odd even to put these two words in one sentence…

Another mental kick. Don’t you even dare to think about your feelings for your own sister, not now. Better to not ever.

Disgusting thoughts.

Wrong feelings.

Bad brain. Very bad and being an ass right now. We need to focus on what is important: today's birthday. Stan could get to us from his backwoods. Dad and Mom are also going to visit in a couple of days, when they return from the next trip around the country. They are probably happy with their new life without the constant care of children, busy only with each other and with their dreams.

Everyone was happy. Why couldn’t Dipper at least relax a little and pretend that he enjoyed this noise, instead of constantly thinking about escape paths from this house filled with smiling mannequins and idle talk? From the house where every piece of furniture, every spoon from the gift set and every word uttered by its inhabitants would forever remind Dipper of what he lost, and more than that, what he could never get. It was taken away from him by this slender hard-built bastard with a radiant smile from ear to ear and the sweetest speeches that he poured in huge doses into the ears of everyone around him. All these manners, courtesy. Damn, was it really only Dipper that was sick of this man-made likeness? Did no one else see his essence? Why did no one else see him as the dirty bastard he was? And why was Mabel, sweet smart Mabel, so blinded by all his fake ... this fake ... facade?

Dipper let out a deep sigh and reached for the glass again.

You know what? Forget it. You once again begin to come up with wild ideas and seeing things. Not every man hovers around Mabel actually turns out to be a psychopath, a juvenile maniac or a bunch of wild Fae creatures.

Yes, but I was right then!

Because then you tried to protect your sister, not the girl you are in love with.

As if there is any difference.

Newsflash. Of course there is. Want an example? Okay second year at college, the black guy what’s-his-face? Always found an excuse to hang in your dorm room with Mabel. You do remember him, right? And how long did it take your eye to recover from swelling.

Hey, it's not my fault that he got into a fight.

It happens when you get a lot of suspicious glares.

There weren’t so many of them ...

Dude, he still probably thinks you are a racist or something.

The rumble of a bourbon being filled in a glass was almost a lullaby. Dipper did not even notice how he filled the vessel almost to the brim.

Well, that was great: he was talking to himself now! Not that it was the first time. He often arranged internal disputes on this or that topic, clashing his rational part with itself or with the sensual, but never before his emotional side sounded so offended and pitiful.

Dipper frowned, sipping an amber drink, which burned his tongue and throat, but at the same time it became a little easier to consider everything that was happening and himself in it. With this ease, eyelids grew heavy, thoughts became slower - only the footage of the last six months of his life began to flash before his eyes.

If it could be called that. A life ...

Life is something sensible, controlled in the most of things. With no comprehensible forecast, only with assumptions - and that's enough, believe me.

And this kind of floating in the time-space with rare interactions with random objects floating there as well could hardly be called a life. It's like flying on autopilot without a specific purpose. And even you can not enjoy a journey in spite of what they say. A kind of asteroid in the cold space.

Or more like....

Perhaps it's ... like a satellite? Yes, a satellite that spends its entire life quietly orbiting its planet - a circle after a circle, year after year. It's boring, but you can adapt, especially if you do not think about why you get in this orbit and what happened before. If you do not replay in your mind moments from the past when at the age of fifteen you started to notice things that should not have been noticed, when your sweating hands, weak legs and lack of words turned the simplest conversation into an attraction of strangeness and awkwardness. If you do not replay memories of prom night over and over again in your head, which you found an excuse not to go to having no date to bring along, and your sister spent the whole night accompanied by that tall blond guy from her Spanish class and returned only the morning after. Or how you secretly threw out letters from the MIT that was ready to tear you away from the opportunity to choose a college in the same city as Mabel did.

Collect all these pieces together, and here you are - Dipper Pines - a proud mayor of the city called "What am I doing with my life?". Population: one person.

No, not like that.

And you are ready to go out into the streets and tear leaflets to passers-by with an invitation to the seminar "Are you too happy with your life? I will tell you how to get rid of this feeling. Every Sunday at a local community center. BYOB"

Yes, that's better. I can at least raise a little money.

Wait, what am I talking about? I need to open my eyes ...

A little more ... a little more ...

Oh, No! Bad idea!

Too light! Too light and too many people!

Oh... damn it …

Hmm ... although what am I? This was like it before I fell into my thoughts.

And yes - I'm still here. In the backyard of this hellhole, where Turner dragged my May ... um ... my ... my sister in his clawed paws. And from this hell I will never get her out of.

Dipper opened his eyes a little wider and looked at Zach's two-story house with complete disdain. Painted in a sky blue color, with windows washed up to the illusion of their absence and a neat backyard with garden gnomes, miniature paths lined with wooden footbridges, solar-powered lanterns and a low fence separating this site from the neighboring ones, it fit perfectly into a quiet family scenery, which New City of himself represented. This house came in no comparison with a small apartment in Brooklyn, where the twins has lived for almost a year after moving to New York. The apartment, which was a witness of moments of happiness and sadness, where the TV sometimes wasn’t turn off til morning because of the another marathon of cheesy horror movies, which housed the whole world of two closest friends, who loved each other sincerely and unselfishly. And which kept the secrets of one of them about where in its sincerity and disinterestedness there were footnotes in small print.

At the age of sixteen, Dipper told himself that only time was needed and that everything would end, everything would pass.

Now that’s a funny statement. Like a film or a book with an open ending, it gives a choice. For example, how long will it take or what will end? How many more will a small gray spinning top spin before shaking and gradually slowing its course until it stops? And will it stop at all?

Well, anyway, Dipper learned one thing - nothing can depend only on his will and obey the dry logic and, therefore, control. At the age of eighteen, he began to feel how gradually the situation began to develop according to his own scenario, regardless of his efforts to manage it. At twenty-two he could hardly find an explanation for his actions and decisions, and six months ago …

Six months ago, the satellite nevertheless descended from orbit and began its journey through the cold dark and empty nothingness. Six months ago, time had finally passed and everything was over.

On that day he walked from the editorial office with a new assignment. It was Friday, there was nowhere to hurry, although on the streets of New York even if you do not want to you have to merge with the eternally rushing crowd. There was a smell of spring in the air, and no matter how cliched this phrase was, damn it, it was true. Even Dipper felt something like that. Light and warm whiff. For the short time that he walked from the editorial office, the world around acquired more color, more smells - not literally, New York, with its busy streets, always supplied smells even above normal. Everything around seemed to come to life, blossoming in all its glory.

Not surprisingly, Mabel was always so happy about the arrival of spring, wherever we were. Maybe I should learn from her? Observe her today while taking a walk in Central Park - why the guy can’t invite his sister to take a walk in Central Park? Also, it’s now so beautiful there - bare trees are just beginning to be covered with the first signs of foliage, old men and women and young lovers are walking slowly along the paths of the park, contemplating what’s happening around them ...

It is possible to pretend that there is no hidden sadness that there is no emptiness inside. You can just move your legs, do not think about anything and absorb the sensations. And all this next to the most beloved person in the whole world …

Immersed in these thoughts and not particularly paying attention to scurrying hurried to and fro people around him, Dipper did not notice how a lazy and pacified smile began to creep across his face.

At least today life is good!

Mabel was waiting for him in the Ferrara bakery on Grand Street, where she was heading after another interview. It turns out that it's not so easy to find a job in New York for a mobile designer, but Mabel was not one of those people who despairs even after four months of searching. Although it seemed to Dipper that her enthusiasm was already at an end, and only by some miracle she still finds the strength to get up in the morning. He wanted to cheer her up, somehow raise her spirits, even if she does not admit that she is sad. Show that he is near, that he was always and will be there.

He planned everything: meet Mabel after work, a walk in Central Park, pizza for dinner and several pre-prepared playlists to choose from - romantic comedies, musicals, horror films and detectives. When they were sixteen, they could spend the whole night before the TV screen watching this kind of marathon of films. It's clear, they are older now and they have work and responsibilities, but, hey - today is Friday.

Simple and sincere. Only two of them, together.

It sounds like a date. Something like that…

From Worcester Street, on which stood the editorial building, it was ten minutes to go to the venue. Turn to Grand Street and go east, bypassing Green, Mercer, Broadway, Crosby, Lafayette, Center, Baxter and Mulberry Street. Piece of cake.

Despite the fact that after the turn the only thing that he had to do was to be on the straight line all the time, Dipper repeatedly checked the route in Google maps to make sure that he does not get lost and will be in place on time. Yes, it sounds odd, but New York is a big city, and it needs to be able to navigate. He didn’t want to repeat the story when Mabel mistakenly left for Jersey City and Dipper had to explain to her how to send her geolocation message to find it and pick her up.

Although now, probably, Dipper with all the desire could not not find the place where his sister was waiting. Huge signboards to the owners of the establishment seemed to be not enough, so they hoisted a giant plastic cones with a multicolored ice cream on both sides of the entrance, put a showcase with sweets on the street, and on the visor above the entrance for some reason they’ve put an old red baker's truck or something like that. Only the red carpet leading inside was missing. Oh, no, here it is …

Mabel sat in the far corner at a table for two. Before her stood a half empty mug of latte (obviously with a syrup of bubble gum, how can one drink it at all?) And a barely touched strawberry cheesecake. A slight dreamy smile played on her lips, a look through half-open eyelids was directed against the wall opposite her, the cheek is propped up by the palm, and the head is slightly tilted. Oh, so might it be that today she was at luck?

And how did it always happen that in any situation, in any position and with any expression of her face, Mabel was more beautiful than all the girls, that he’s ever seen in his life?..

"Hi, sis," Dipper said with a smile. "How was today?"

Whatever Mabel dreamed of, she was deep in her thoughts, because only the creak of the chair being moved in front of her and the appearance of her brother in her field of vision could bring her back to reality.

"Oh, hello, Dip," she chirped smiling wider. "I didn’t expect you so early."

“What?” Dipper was slightly taken aback. “I thought that I was even five minutes late ... wait, is this sarcasm? ...”

"No, no," Mabel said, quickly removing her elbow from the table and tucking the hair into her ear. She scanned the bakery, as if not quite understanding where she was.

“What time is it now?”

"Um, seven o'clock, just the time we agreed to meet”

"Oh, already?" Mabel lowered her eyes slightly and began fiddling with the tips of her hair.

"The time flew by so quickly," she added in a half whisper. Her cheeks glowed softly.

“Yes, already” something suspicious was in the behavior of the sister. But put it off, Pines. You were going to offer something.

"Well, how did it go this time? Everything’s worked out? Looking forward to the call?”

"Or I can call first," Mabel playfully giggled.

“Mmm? Can you call them first for what?”

Mabel raised her eyes to her brother, in which a certain perplexity was read. For another couple of seconds, the sweet mist of dreams in her gaze dissipated until something clicked in her head, and she finally realized what Dipper was talking about.

"Ah, yes," she did her jazz hands "an interview. Well, it seems that next month you’ll still have to pay for the apartment. "She sighed and took a mug of coffee with both hands, lowering her head," again ... "

"Hey, hey," Dipper reached out and covered Mabel's arm, "it's all right. It's not important, the main thing is that you find a place where you’ll be appreciated and where it’ll be interesting for you to work and manifest yourself. You're the most creative person in this world. Heck, they're just idiots, if they didn’t take you right away!”

Mabel looked into Dipper's eyes and sadly, but sincerely smiled.

"I'll help you with what I can and will be around," Dipper smiled back.

God, how beautiful she is. There were so many guys in high school who liked her that the fingers of Ford's hands would not be enough to count them. True, none of those who had the luck to be with her, did not last more than two or three weeks, because none of them saw that behind the beauty of her there is also a very sharp mind. The whole universe with its rules and colors was stored in this charming fair-haired head. But none of them seemed to notice this.

Unlike Dipper.

Mabel embodied all the things that he lacked so much: freedom, creativity, infinite energy. Without it, he would not be a whole person. No one would have him learn to enjoy life and look at the world from a different angle, different from the position of dry logic.

"Thank you, bro bro," Mabel said quietly. "It means a lot to me, really”

"Any time, May," Dipper snapped his hand away and looked at his watch. "We still have plenty of time until the sun sets. It's about 20 minutes by metro to the Central Park, so I thought that we could wind up our heads a little. What do you say? You didn’t have any plans for tonight, did you?”

Mabel looked away and blushed profusely, covering her mouth with her palm and softly giggling.

Oh no. No no no! He screwed up, did he? He said it as if he was inviting her on a date. Oh, damn, oh, damn it! He rehearsed this phrase so much that it sounded like a simple friendly proposal in order to funk up anyway ?! She knows, she knows for sure, and now this situation will become even more awkward.

Set the panic aside! I need to figure out how to get out of this. Just laugh it off or try to explain what he meant.

Shit, why his palms are so sweaty? Is he in the eighth grade again?

“It sounds tempting, Dip. I’d really like to take a walk now …”

Oh, my God, phew. Everything is fine.

"... but, you see ..."

But? What’s for but? But what?

"... I really don’t know how it happened ... it seems that I have a date tonight!" Mabel finished her phrase. Her eyes were just glowing with happiness. The smile was broader and more dreamy than before, which made Dipper feel cold in the lower abdomen.

“I really didn’t know that this is the case in real life, but when I was walking from Five Points here ... i mean, our eyes just met, and I realized that he’d come up to me and ask me some question or say something... I just don’t understand how you constantly experience such stress every time you try to talk to a girl, this has never happened to me ...”

But Dipper wasn’t listening anymore. Only now he finally noticed all the details surrounding them. Strawberry cheesecake - when was the last time Mabel allowed herself something sweet in the city? Of course, they were not so poor, but given the fact that Mabel still did not have a permanent job, she tried to save money and not squander the money of her brother over trifles. So it was a treat. Then, how did Dipper not notice the empty espresso cup standing on his side of the table? He was too busy contemplating his sister to draw attention to this and to the fact that Mabel was constantly fiddling a napkin in her hand, on which was visible the pen-written sequence of numbers and one word.

Zach.

He left her his phone number. Who does this now? What kind of moron should one be to do this, instead of just dictating a number to be recorded in the phone?

That invisible, light breath that warmed Dipper so far from the moment he left the editorial office was instantly replaced by an importunate cold draft, from which all the muscles of his face grew cold and numb, turning nis face into a fixed mask that did not express any emotion. The bright March evening began to be replaced by a dark emptiness.

And Mabel kept talking and talking. She was extremely excited by what was happening: so many emotions, so many assumptions and hopes. As many as many times the only one phrase sounded in Dipper's head:

It happened again …

Sooner or later, it should have happened, but why today? On the day when he finally felt a barely perceptible wave of happiness?

Sometimes it seems that the universe itself is against you. Whether you achieve something desirable say some fun and joy come to life - bam! Sign here, please.

On the one hand, you can, of course, decide that this is "designed" so, that it’s fate and junk, that everything is natural and the time has come. The time for whatever - for example, the time to give up.

On the other hand, one can regard this same "bam" from the Universe as an appeal not to relax and to act further, to become better, to grow and all that.

You can, of course, just not react at all.

It depends.

A lot of dependencies happens to be all around us. Someone sits for hours with a guitar, learns to play the way his or hers favorite performers do, someone shoves career needle into his or hers veins, someone’s obsessed with science - yes, there are plenty of examples.

And love is something you can depend on too.

It’s even addictive.

And for someone who already has a strong addiction, something smoother will ... be like ...

Damn ... words ... how to make them into sentences? ..

So, enough for today's memories.

And speaking about strong and smooth ... I need another drink.

The glass stood on the table right here. Where is it ... hey?

Hey!

What the...?

"You tell me. That's enough for you, kid."

Kid? Oh he didn’t...

Dipper opened his eyes, trying to make out the speaker with him. It would have been better if it was anyone, but Zach.

"I think you might have the wrong glass, buddy," he croaked, trying to focus on the figure of the man next to him holding a vessel with amber corn liquid.

“Oh yeah? And didn’t you have the wrong party, knucklehead? The last thing I want to see right now is how my nephew gets drunk as hell at his birthday party”

Wait…

Stan? ..

“No, Pope John Paul II. Who do you think?”

In a second, Dipper's eyes flew open, and consciousness returned to online mode. Was he talking all this time out loud?

“I ... um” Dipper uncomfortably fidgeting on the chair, adjusting the edges of the shirt that was pulled up and briskly brushing his hair with fingers.

"Stan ... how long ... are you sitting here?"

"What? You wanna know how much of that nonsense that you muttered I heard? Don’t worry, your secrets will die with me.”

Oh no…

Dipper swallowed nervously and nodded uncertainly, looking before him. Stan responded with a laugh and added, changing his tone from more strict to good-natured:

"It's a joke, kid," he lifted his massive hand onto his nephew's shoulder, "there's nothing for me to blackmail you. This time.”

If they were in another place and under different circumstances, Dipper would have laughed along with his Gruncle. Now he did not even try, because together with laughter it would have turned out to be some silly awkward likeness.

"And yet, what made you to portray that guy ... Kain Rivers? Give you a piece of cake in the hand, and there’ll be complete similarity.”

"You mean Keanu Reeves?"

“Him, too.”

Dipper sighed and lowered his head, covered his face with his hands. Stan, having sipped a little bourbon from the glass, put his hand on his shoulder again.

“Seriously, Dip, what's wrong?” he added worried.

“Nothing, I'm fine” telling lies to a man who has proved over many years that he is the most understanding and caring member of the family left a disgusting taste on the tip of his tongue. If someone than it would be Stan to always be able to hear out and help. He would lay down his bones for the well-being of his family. Maybe he can at least somehow pour out his soul? ..

“What did you feel when Gruncle Ford disappeared in the portal? What’s it like to understand that your closest friend’s gone forever?”

Stan also sighed, setting aside his glass, and turned to face Dipper.

“Listen. You and Mabel, as long as I can remember, have always been together. You grew up, studied, moved to another cities. As I said, you rarely see such a relationship between a brother and a sister. But sooner or later, both of you should have had other companions of life. This is normal - it’s so arranged in the world. People get married, have families, children, invite each other to their dinners, go to work, dig in the garden in the backyard. It’s not the same as getting lost in another dimension for thirty years. Mabel just got married, she didn’t disappear from your life. Yes, now you’ll be separated not by the walls of the rooms, but by a good one and a half hour drive, but ... I’m not a good speaker... anyway,” - he drank some more whiskey.

"You two are better than we were with my brother. I'm telling you this, Ford claimed it until his last breath - believe me. Even if you were separated by space and time, you’d find a way to find yourselves... I mean to find each other. Do you understand what I mean?”

Dipper looked at the old man. In Stan's glance, God bless his heart, confidence and love were read. As always. And although he did not come even a bit close to understanding what was going on in Dipper's heart, his words still warmed.

"Yes, I do, Gruncle," Dipper smiled slightly. "Thank you."

"Well, it takes more than a simple thanks to be stuffed" Stan laughed and rose from his seat, leaning on the cane, "if you knew what they feed you on the plane, you’d understand what I mean. Next time I fly business class, and you pay. I spotted like a table with snacks inside, it's time to visit it.”

With these words he headed toward the house, stepping unsteadily and constantly leaning on his cane. Dipper saluted him in the style of Lando Calrissian and frowned. It was not fair to upset Stan today with talk like that. So much of a burden was falling on his shoulders lately, and then there's just a glimpse of joy. Still, not every day his grand-niece marries.

It's a pity that Ford did not live to see this day. I definitely need to take a couple of days off and go to Oregon. Stan becomes too weak to regularly care for the grave.

“Dipper! Bro-bro!”

Oh no.

Dipper pulled a smile on his face and turned to the source of the sound. There she was, flying to him in a light purple summer dress with a white collar.

"Silly drunken little brother. Where did you disappear?“ Mabel laughed, catching him with an empty glass and a half-empty bottle.

Dipper rolled his eyes and smiled wider.

"Mabel, we're the same age. Also I noticed that one bottle of champagne was open before the guests arrived”

He frowned in a mocking way and rubbed his chin,

“Hmm ... But who drank the champagne?..”

He pretended to be chewing a pen, thinking hard.

Mabel stuck out her tongue at her brother and laughed loudly.

"You’re such a nerd!"

She plopped down next to him and laid her head on his shoulder.

“Just think of it, we’re twenty-five now. Do people even have to live so long?”

"I'm still surprised that you even lived to be of age, considering the amount of sugar you absorb daily ... Ow!" light elbow pokes from her still caught him off guard.

“You deserved that. Be grateful that Mister Tickles didn’t show up for such conversations with your sister.”

“Okaaaay. Mabel, are you sure you’re twenty-five?” Dipper quickly moved away from Mabel, who was ready to attack on his brother's ribs with his fingers spread out, and raised both hands, "Okay, okay! No more of that!”

"Good brother." Mabel nodded with a satisfied look. "And now, if you'll allow me, jokes aside."

She took a small rectangular bundle from her handbag hanging from her shoulder on a thin chain and solemnly handed it to Dipper.

“Here!”

Dipper took the package from his sister's hands and for a few seconds admired this neatly wrapped in a nice-to-feel gift paper object. It was a pity to spoil such beauty.

“Come on, open it!”

In one motion Dipper opened the package, and in his hands was a large, thick notebook of dark blue. On his soft leather cover was woven golden threads of a small pine tree. Dipper carefully opened the title page, which was encoded with a neat letter. This time Dipper's face was lit up with a sincere smile - they invented the cipher together, many years ago, when in the classroom they passed notes to each other or left them in lockers.

"Wow ..." Dipper sighed. "I ... um ... thanks, Mabel."

"You're welcome, Dip," his sister shone, "I just wondered where it's seen that Dipper wouldn’t have a journal, would he?" she again laughed and wrapped her arms around him, pulling her brother in a bear hug.

“Happy birthday, Dipper.”

"Happy birthday, Mabel," he replied, breathing in the fragrance of her floral perfume. "I ... um-uh ..." he cleared his throat and pulled away. "My present ... it... I decided not to carry it with me, so it's in the house, but ... I'm sure you'll like it too.

“It would be better if it was so.” Mabel said haughtily. With these words she jumped up, grabbing Dipper by the sleeve of his shirt and dragging him toward the house.

"There's a whole bunch of them there! Gifts!” she skipped off to the house, taking her stumbling brother along with her. "Let's go! I can’t wait to open each one right now!”

* * *

“Son of a…” the lighter was still sent to the garbage because of malfunctioning, and now all the hope remained that the houses still had matches. Dipper had already rummaged through all the drawers in the kitchen, but not even one sucker was found in this abundance of kitchen utensils and cutlery, such an absurd abundance for the apartment, now serving as a lonely young man's refuge.

Dipper's gaze wandered around the kitchen, the space in his eyes doubled, quadrified - in general it was multiplying in every possible way, and it was extremely difficult to focus on something definite.

Was it really necessary to get so drunk? He did not have a car in New York for the time being, he used to travel by public transport and a taxi, but this is not an excuse for finding a pub on his way home to Brooklyn and staying there until midnight. The morning will be very bad. Very painful and bad.

But, it looks like this is the problem of tomorrow's Dipper, not today's, who has a real business to do now.

He held his hand to the countertop, and staggered to the gas stove, which looked like the last chance to light a damned cigarette, clamped in his teeth. Unsafe last chance. After meditating for couple of seconds, Dipper shook his head, muttering "No, sir," and went to investigate further. Still an eternity, according to the present chronology of Dipper, was wasted - there were no lighters or matches in the house, so that the stove was again in his field of vision.

Still adhering to the nearby interior for a safety net, Dipper drove to the suspicious fire-breathing inhabitant of his house. The fire was only lit from the fifth attempt, and, bending over to the hotplate itself and almost putting his shirt collar on fire, Dipper finally sucked in the pungent tobacco smoke.

And, it turned out that trying to smoke his first cigarette in life right now was a bad idea. Even disgusting. Not only that, he immediately became overwhelmed with a heavy cough and the shaking of his diaphragm awakened something dark in the stomach, consisting of half of bourbon, and half of the birthday cake.

Oh, shit, shit, SHIT!

To the left from the kitchen into the corridor, to the end ... lights on...

Where’s this switch ?!

Oh no! ..

FUCK!!!

At the last second Dipper managed to touch the toilet before he utterly unpleasantly vomited. All thoughts and emotions were compressed into a dot, leaving the consciousness with a devastatingly pure emptiness.

At some point, it might even have seemed that Dipper had blacked out, but as soon as the last urge receded, he straightened leaning with his hands on the rim of the toilet bowl and stood on his unsteady legs and went to the sink, much more tired and much less drunk.

At least giving the face a splash and rinsing the mouth with a freshener will not hurt.

And what do we have here? Oh, nothing, just your dirty still green face with a week stubble and some substance smeared around your mouth.

Oh, gross, ew!

He pulled off his shirt right over his head, doused his face with cold water, rinsed his mouth and staggered into his room.

Well, that's my life now. Drinking, no permanent job, a broken heart ... what could be better?

Dipper hobbled to the bed and plumped on it, without even bothering to remove the veil and pull off his trousers.

At least here I can quit pretending, he thought, as the tears came down bombarding his pillow.

#pinecest #fanfiction #chasing ghosts

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