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hnychn · 3 years

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𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐄 [𝐈𝐈𝐈]

sypnosis : life with your five lovers has been more than fulfilling, but when you're paired with a student from general studies for a project, your quintet seems a little less full

word count : 4000+

warnings : mutual pining, gender neutral reader, relationship insecurities, bakugo tries but. . .it doesn't go as well as he planned, grammar errors and spelling errors, it's . . . a long one, a bit rushed at the end so uhh pls don't mind that :)

parts : [ 𝐈 ] [ 𝐈𝐈 ] [ 𝐈𝐈𝐈 ]

a/n : so sorry for the long wait LMAO- i know i said my bokuto fic would be coming out today but uhhh ahaha my depression hit me full force this weekend and i didn't even look at the dock because i was too busy sleeping, but uhh enjoy this :D

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- WELCOME TO PART THREE sorry for the log wait 😭 life has been kicking my ass but we're not here to hear me complain, we're here for the tea

- so, it's a couple months after you joined the bakusquad and their relationship. and let me tell you, it has been nothing but amazing. 😩 your days are never quiet and they're always filled with some sort of excitement and love.

- you kaminari and mina often get into trouble for leaving the dorms late at night because you want snacks and there's nothing in the kitchens. you become kirishima's pillow, don't matter about your size or whatever, you are his pillow and you better not argue 🔫 sero always puts on some type of bachata or reggaeton or some spanish song and dances with you in his dorms. and bakugo is your go to person to cook with and just generally annoy or prank since it's so easy to get a reaction out of him.

- and you couldn't have asked for a better relationship. you all are so communicative and talk about your feelings often and how you're doing. every saturday or sunday, you all go to a dorm (usually it's bakugo's cause it's the cleanest) and have a huge cuddle pile and talk about your mental states, how you're doing, what you have problems with, etc etc.

- like damn ok i see you with the mentally and emotionally stable relationship 🤪🤪

- it's so refreshing too because sometimes you'll have a tough week and you jsut need to let it all out, and you can in the comfort of bakugo's dorm and you know none of them will judge you because they're all so open about their love for you (and vise versa)

- anyways, yeah y'all got the best relationship

- you never thought about anyone else in a romantic sense because the squad took up nearly all of the space in your heart. but when you teacher announced one day the general studies kids would be coming in to have a joint project to create gadgets for the hero course students, you had no idea your life would suddenly be turned upsidedown.

- you were paired with a guy named shinsou. he looked friendly enough and returned the wave you sent him with a little surprise as he made his way to the open seat next to you. he seemed surprised when you started a small conversation but he talked to you in a quiet soothing voice. he seemed nice enough and you figured the project would be a breeze since he seemed so nice and offered to meet up over the weekend to start up some ideas for the project.

- you agreed and the two of you met up that lunch period in the library to pre-draft some ideas and get to know each other more.

"i'm surprised you don't mind being seen with me."

his sudden comment took you by surprise as you looked up from your paper with messily drawn gadgets and chicken scratch writing to look up at him, "what do you mean?"

it was true you had never seen him before or even heard of him, but his hesitance to talk to you and open up to you made you feel as though you should.

shinsou rubbed the back of his neck and looked away shyly, "so you really haven't heard anything about me, have you?"

he looked almost guilty to bring it up, his gaze falling to the table in front of him as be played with a strand of his hair.

you shook your head. you never really payed attention to gossip around school, your head always too high up in the clouds to care about rumors and gossip (bakugo often scolded you for being such an airhead and ignorant to your surroundings, but you knew he was just worried about something happening to you). plus, to you, gossip was nearly never right and more often made up and fictitious.

shinsou refused to look up at you, "well. . .i'm known throughout the school as a. . ." he looked hesitant to continue but before you could reassure him he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to, he continued, "well, a villain."

he prised his lips as if the words left a bitter taste in his mouth, and all you could do was tilt your head. shinsou didn't seem like a bad person - or a 'villain' as he had said. on the way to the library he held open doors for you and helped you carry some of your books to your locker and even bought you a drink you wanted buy but were a bit short of change on.

"do you think you are?"

"what?" shinsou looked at you for the first time since he brought up the topic.

"do you think you're a villain?" he shuffled slightly in his seat and looked away again from your intense stare. he felt like you were looking straight into his soul from how strongly you were looking into his eyes, he wasn't sure if you had even blinked in the last minute.

shinsou thought back to all the times he's been called a villain or a criminal. it was always unwarranted, a passing comment that seemed like no big deal to others but shattered his heart into smaller and smaller pieces. but never once had he ever thought he was a villain - a monster.

if anything, he used those comments as encouragement to become a hero, to be better than those who always thought he would turn to a life of crime. so, "no... i don't think i'm a villain."

"well, that's that."

shinsou could only stare at you, your smile brighter than any star he'd ever seen, so full of hope and encouragement shinsou felt like he could take on the world. he looked away and rubbed the back of his neck, a shy smile pulling at his lips and a weird feeling blossoming in his chest. how curious. . .

- so yeah, a new friendship 🤪 the two of you started to spend a lot of free time together for the project. you would often meet up during lunches or free time between classes to work some more on the project, all the while getting to know each other in depth. you learned many things about shinsou and spilled many of your own secrets, you laughed together over old childhood stories, and played animal crossing on the rooftop during lunch, your project discarded and forgotten beside you.

- your sudden absence didn't go unnoticed by your lovers, and they grew curious to your whereabouts when you would blow them off for the fifth time that week to "work on your project". now, don't get me wrong, they had conplete trust in you and knew you would never cheat, but they were just curious as to what - or who - was taking up so much of your time.

- so, they did the smartest thing, and followed you. after blowing them off for the sixth time, they decided to follow you to your destination. mina and kaminari tried to be inconspicuous and wear disguises, but the fake mustache, black glasses (indoors, might i add) and hat weren't all too discreet as they thought.

- they followed you through every turn and weave you took and hid behind a corner when you stopped at a vending machine to get your favourite drink. but what surprised them the most was you also bought a coffee. bakugo was most surprised you even thought about even touching the can of caffine because he remembered you telling him you would get terrible caffine rushes that would make you dizzy if you drank coffee.

- but, as you finally reached the rooftop and made your way to a hunched over figure in the corner, it all made sense.

- they all saw how effortlessly you and shinsou acted around each other. they could see the soft looks he would send you when you weren't looking and the way his hand would hover over yours for a split second too long before snapping away as if you were made of lava. but surprisingly, they didn't feel any sort of jealousy or anger, it felt like a piece of them had returned they didn't even know was missing. the sort of feeling that walks through the door unexpectedly but it's wholesomely welcomed.

- the "oh, there you are, welcome back" type of feeling. they were happy you had found someone that made you feel comfortable, arguably more comfortable than you had been with them so far because truthfully, while you had felt welcomed and appreciated in the relationship, it still felt like you were an outsider. the five of them had inside jokes before you came and didn't get them when they came up, the five of them had habits special to each other that inadvertently excluded you. and while they never meant to hurt you (god knows that's the last thing they ever wanted to do), they had. but you knew that wasn't their intention so you held no malitious feelings towards them (not that you think you'd ever could).

- but the way you and shinsou so effortlessly opened up to each other, shared intimate details and secrets with each other - it warmed their hearts. so, bakugo grabbed them all by the back of their shirts and dragged them away, mumbling about giving the two of you space. there was a fond look in his eyes as he looked at the two of you he would be teased about later but would deny.

- it was undeniable bakugo held the softest spot for you. he tried as best as he could to include you in their inside jokes and habits but he was. . well . . . bakugo 🧍🏽‍♀️

- words aren't necessarily his strong suit and he could only hope his smaller actions let you know you were as loved and cherished as any of them there. and you knew, you caught on a little after bakugo had a little "secret talk" with the group (that wasn't really secret at all, he grabbed them all by their shirts and dragged them to a secluded spot while you distracted on your phone) and they all started to explain their jokes and include you in their habits.

- anyways, back to you and shinsou. 🤪 he was aware you were in a ployamorous relationship with the bakusquad and he's heard the way you talk about them and the soft airy tone of your voice and the starry look in your eyes; and he didn't want to get in between that. the last thing he ever wanted was to ruin your relationship for his own selfish reasons.

- so for the time being, he would be okay with watching you from afar, the sweetness of your love so close for him to taste; yet too far for him to savour.

- as more and more times passed, the bakusquad began to notice the lingering looks you would give shinsou when you passed him in the halls and how he would always be waiting for you outside of your class with your favourite drink before leaving you to go to lunch while he went off and . . . well, you weren't sure what he did during his free time, but he never brought it up so you never figured to ask.

- when you fell asleep the next time you all had a cuddle session in bakugo's room, they all talked about it. talked about your obvious feelings for each other and the possibility of including shinsou in their relationship. they spent hours talking about it and still talked about it even when the moon vanished over the horizon and the sun rose. and, in not very smart fashion, bakugo was tasked to confronting shinsou about their conclusion.

- which - almost as if there were an author behind all of this - didn't go as well as any of them planned.

it was perfect, really. almost as if the universe had been listening to their conversation and aligned itself perfectly for this very moment.

you woke up that morning with a terrible stomach ache and chose to stay back in your dorm after bakugo made you a bowl of soup and threatened you to take your medicine. his classes ended a little earlier than usual and, sending his lover's a nod, made his way over to your class, where, lo and behold, shinsou was standing near the door, the familiar brand of your favourite drink in one hand and his own cold coffee in the other.

bakugo wasn't sure what he was going to say when he reached shinsou. he opted to just speak from the heart over rehearsing lines with the others like they had wanted, besides, what kind of lover would be be if he couldn't even do this for you? but, what he didn't take into consideration, was his emotional constipation and tsundere attidute.

"hey, eye bags!" bakugo called out.

shinsou nearly jumped out of his skin at bakugo's sudden loud voice. he looked over with the same eyes of indifference he normally had, but bakugo could see the slight far in them. not at his brash attitude (shinsou could never be afriad of bakugo and confronting him before the sports fesitval was a perfect example of that) but the fear of ruining your relationship with the bakusquad.

shinsou nodded at bakugo when he got close enough. bakugo stood in front of him, his hands still shoved into the pockets of his pants, "they're sick."

it was a simple enough statement but shinsou blinked, "what?"

"y/n." bakugo stated and rolled his eyes as if the answer had been written on his forehead (and it basically had, shinsou was just a bit shocked at his appearance), "they're sick and mina's staying back with them in their dorm."

shinsou rubbed the back of his neck, "oh."

there was an awkward silence as the two boys stood in the vacant hallway. bakugo didn't know what to say and shinsou wasn't sure if he should leave or go visit you for their lunch break.

"i'll go drop this off to them-"

"no." bakugo practically growled, "i'll drop it off. go get eat your lunch or i'll make your face an eye bag."

shinsou flushed a bit in embarrassment. he was overstepping, of course he was. for a minute, having you all to himself for nearly a week straight made him forget about the relationship you were in and this was a smack of reality. you weren't his. you were in a relationship with others, other people who could give you nearly double what he could - everything he couldn't.

handing bakugo the drink, shinsou stalked away to the cafeteria, his cheeks still a light shade of pink. bakugo sighed and knew he most likely made things worse, and he came there originally to make things right.

but fate will work itself out. and what will be, will be.

- so... maybe sending bakugo wasn't the best idea ... 🧍🏽‍♀️

- because now, shinsou started avoiding you. when the two for you worked on your projects together, he would remain mostly silent and only input his opinion when he thought of an idea or needed help putting something together. you had no idea why and you honestly felt a little hurt that he ignored you as easily as breathing.

- you brought this up to your lovers on your weekly cuddle session, knowing they would have brought up your downpour attitude either way. what you didn't notice as your face was burried in denki's sweater were the glares they all were throwing at bakugo.

- "yeah, i wonder what happened..." sero smiled, though obviously strained, as he pet your head and told you shinsou was probably just going through something.

- and it was obvious you were hurt that shinsou had suddenly stopped talking to you because honestly it was kind of hard for you to make friends. a lot of people assumed you thought you were higher than everyone else because you were dating five students from the top hero course, but that obviously is far from the truth.

- anyways, a long time goes by and the two of you still haven't rekindled anything and the squad is getting a bit frustrated because hello??? join our cult lover circle ?????

- so the squad comes up with another solution and this time they don't send bakugo to collect shinsou

- they learned their mistake last time.

- anyways

- so sero goes and gets shinsou and tells him you need him for a little last touch of the project since it was near the due date and you wanted to make sure it was perfect. and shinsou agrees to meet up with you and follows sero.

- sero takes him into an empty classroom and it's pitch black. the windows have been covered with tape and all the lights are off. before he could ask what the hell was going on, the door slams shut and the lights suddenly turn on and shinsou's blinded for a moment.

- and he's met with a very interesting sight.

- mina, kaminari, and kirishima are standing in front of him with sunglasses and hats on, their arms are crossed and they have a blank look on their faces (though he can tell kaminari is about to burst into laughter and nearly does but kirishima jabs him in his side.)

- "uhh..."

- "shut up, eye bags." bakugo calls from behind him. he's leaning against the door with his arms crossed and an obviously pissed off look on his face.

- sero is just standing next to him with a 'sorry pal' kind of smile.

- "what is-"

- "what are your intentions with, y/n?" kaminari shouted suddenly as he slammed his hand on a nearby desk.

- "denki- no." mina pushed him back lightly, "that's not what-"

- "did you not listen last night, sparky?" bakugo rolled his eyes and scoffed lightly.

- kaminari shyly scratched his cheek, "i might have fellen asleep-"

- "he did." sero confirmed, "he drooled on me and everything.

- "I do not drool!!"

- "yes you do, it was like a waterfall, 'ki. "

- "no i don't, right kiri?"

- "well.. only a few drops.."

- "WHAT?! and none of you told me?!"

- "well, y/n kind of made us promise not to tell..."

- "SPEAKING OF Y/N," mina interjected into the conversation, her fingers rubbing at her temples as she wondered when she became the rational one, that was bakugo's job, "why don't we stick to the script, boys."

- kirishima slung an arm over her shoulder and pressed a kiss to her cheek, "sorry, princess."

- "right." sero turned to shinsou and crossed his arms, "you have feelings for them don't you?"

- shinsou tensed. his mind was still trying to comprehend the conversation that happened just a few seconds ago and processing the fact that kaminari drools in his sleep. he wasn't sure how to respond.

- of course he had feelings for you, any rational person who came into contact with you would catch feelings. it was part of your natural charm that seemed to effortlessly draw people in and never let them go. in a matter of minutes, you had simultaneously become his best friend and his closest confidant. often at night he cursed himself for catching feelings for you when things were perfect just the way they were.

- but shinsou couldn't help it. you had treated him like a normal person and weren't apprehensive about his quirk. you gave him a taste of normalcy in his world of anxieties and judgement, and he craved more and more the more time he spent with you.

- so dispte wanting to desparately scream 'yes, i do love her' at the top of his lungs, he looked down at the ground, "no. . . i . . i don't."

- "liar."

- bakugo seethed behind him.

- shoving himself off the wall he was leaning on, bakugo walked closer and closer to shinsou as he spoke, "don't lie. we all see the way you look at them, the way your stupid face lights up with a small smile when they're with you or the airy chuckle you give when they do one of those stupid dances when they make food and-"

- "OK OK I GET IT!" shinsou snapped. mina jumped slightly in kirishima's arms and shinsou sent her a small apologetic look, "you know! I'm in love with them! i've been. . ." he trailed off before collapsing into a chair behind him, his head hanging back and staring into the bright flourescent lights hanging from the ceiling.

- "i've been trying to distance myself from them, to make getting over them easier."

- "they've been hurting, y'know."

- shinsou groaned and hid his face in his hands, "i know. you think i don't see the looks they give me when i avoid them in the halls? it hurts knowing i'm the reason they're in pain."

- "so why are you doing it?"

- "because they have you guys," shinsou sighed as it if we're the most obvious thing in the world, "you all could love them a lot more than i ever could alone. plus, they're so happy with you, i couldn't be the reason to disturb that."

- "you gotta be fucking kidding me." bakugo growled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

- kaminari snorted, "i think i just got deja vu."

- "you could say that again," mina sighed, "i'm heading back to the dorms, this is giving me a headache."

- with his arm still slung over her shoulder, kirishima agreed, "yeah, not sure how we didn't see this from the beginning. i'll walk you back, princess."

- shinsou only stared blankly as mina and kirishima left the room with kaminari in tow, complaining about getting some math work done. never in his life did he feel as confused as he did now

- lost. mans was lost..

- someone get him a map and help him please

- they acted as if they hadn't been the ones to literally kidnap him

- only to nonchalantly walk out the door?????

- sero's voice snapped him back to the remaining two people in the room, "you two really are a match made in heaven." sero smiled at him and shinsou felt head rise in his cheeks, whether it be from embarassment or something else, he didn't know.

- "i'll see you two around" and then he left, leaving shinsou alone with bakugo, who had yet to realease the bridge of his nose from his pinch.

- "you're both a pair of dumbasses."

- "i'm offended-"

- "y/n said the same fucking thing when we confronted them."

- shinsou stayed silent.

- "they felt like their presence would ruin the routine we had set a long time ago when we first started our relationship. . . sound familiar?"

- shinsou rubbed the back of his neck and opened his mouth to speak, but bakugo interrupted.

- "shut up, eye bags, i'm not finished."

- "i dIdNt eVEn sAy aNyTHiNg"

- "sure there were some things we had to adjust to include them in our schedule and a whole new bundle of emotions to incorporate into our lives; but the while point of a relationship is to open up slowly and learn to trust the ones you love. and eventually, we all learned to trust them the same way they learned to trust us; but trust isn't something you can learn over night. it's gradual."

- bakugo sighed, how in the hell did he get stuck in this situation again. at the very least no one got injured this time, "what I'm trying to say is, if y/n makes you happy, then we're all willing to let you in our relationship and put our trust in you.

- "will you put your trust in us?"

- how dramatic ˙ ͜ʟ˙

- so

- :) shinsou decides, fuck it. i deserve the good things in life, and he puts his trust in the squad the same way they all put their trust in him.

- and they decided it was a good time to surprise you too and kill two birds with one stone :)

- so you walk in to bakugo's dorm after a long day of school. you were returning from turning in your project with shinsou, and while the teacher had given you many compliments and basically secured your A, you still felt a bit sad knowing it would be the last time you would see shinsou since your schedules didn't collide and you had ended on a . . . confusing note.

- so you were just looking to cuddle with your lovers on a Friday night and wallow away in your sadness.

- when you walked in the group had been piled in their natural spots on bakugo's bed. mina was giggling with kaminari as they scrolled through tiktok, bakugo was reading a book you had reccomend to him a while a go, sero and kirishima were softly play fighting as they laughed and chuckled.

- everything was as it should be

- until you got to where your spot usually was, cradled between bakugo's warm and firm chest and mina's plush thighs and stomach, and it was occupied by someone else.

- everyone stopped what they were doing, as they watched a smile pull at your lips when you recognised the disheveled pruple hair lazily sprawled in your spot. everyone watched with bated breath as they waited for your reaction and small smiles of their own shining through as they watched your interaction.

- you lifted your hand and smacked shinsou's knee that had been raised up slightly as one of his arms lay behind his head and the other fiddled with a bracelet around mina's wrist, and his lips pulled into a lazy smirk of his own as he watched you.

- "get up, fat head, you're in my spot."

- his smirk only grew.

- "do something about it, hero."

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fullbushfemme · 3 years

Text

Meeting the Mayans

word count: 1,804

summary: You thought you were prepared for anything. Growing up with four brothers, you had been bitten, beaten, thrown out of trees, concussed, stabbed, practically any violent act you could possibly think of, you had endured. For a kindergarten teacher, you were tough. You had the scars to prove it. That was, of course, until the day you met the Mayans.

unnamed mayan x fem!reader

warnings: brief mentions of blood, hostage situation, and a shooting.

author's note: I've had this idea in my head for ages now and I'm tempted to make it a series. The only issue is that I can't decide which Mayan I want to star (since they aren't named in this fic). I'm tempted to use this as a jumping off point for multiple fics, writing different stories from this initial incident involving different Mayans, but I'd love to hear any thoughts y'all might have :)

-I also haven't written anything outside of academic works in years so go easy on me <3

Santo Padre Septembers were always your favorite. It was sticky and hot, enough to make anyone want to jump into a pool fully clothed, but school was back in session, which meant you got to meet a new hoard of bright-eyed, eager five year olds. You had spent the last month preparing your classroom for their arrival. Nine am to one pm every day for four weeks was dedicated to decorating your classroom, making name cards, making sure every student had all the supplies they needed. Inside every desk you placed glue and markers and pencils and workbooks and scissors...everything a little kid would need to express themselves. And all of it out of your own pocket. You took it upon yourself to spoil these kids rotten.

Two weeks into class, you already knew everyone’s names, their favorite color, their pets, and whether or not they were allowed to watch TV after six o’clock. You knew who was friends with who, who couldn’t eat peanut butter, and who was most popular. This year’s class was going to be great, you just knew it.

It was a humid Friday afternoon. The room smelled like Elmer’s glue and pencil shavings, with stray scraps of construction paper strewn about the floor after the kids decided this week’s art project was going to be making dinosaurs out of construction paper and glitter. You were staying after class to clean up and vacuum, and to take the class rabbit home with you since no one had signed up to care for him this week, when you heard a knock at your door.

You looked over to the open door, squinting into the sun, trying to make out who it was. But no one was standing in the doorway. “Forget something?” you called out, thinking that a student must’ve left a lunch box or notebook and was feeling shy.

“Not exactly,” a deep voice responded, sending a twinge of fear through your body. You knew that voice. “I was hoping my baby sister could help me with something.”

A lump had formed in your throat that you tried to swallow, to no avail. “What are you doing here?” you choked out, standing from where you were picking up paper scraps.

“I need you to help me hide. Quickly.” Your older brother stepped into the classroom, gun in hand, pupils wider than you had ever seen them. He must’ve been high, you thought, panicked. What had he gotten into now? All four of your brothers were known to be trouble-makers to varying degrees. A few had been to prison for petty crimes, but the brother that stood before you had gotten wrapped up in drug trafficking years ago. He scared you the most. They had all promised your parents that they would keep their lives separate from yours, that they would never put you in harm's way. But it didn’t last. It felt like every other week you had a bruised or beaten brother on your doorstep, begging for help or a place to stay. And today, it was to ask you to hide them.

Your eyes flitted to the large windows overlooking the grassy courtyard where a few children sat waiting for their parents to pick them up. Hide. Hide from what? Who was coming after him? Would they hurt the kids?

“N-no,” you stammered, taking a step backwards. You couldn’t risk putting any kids still on campus in danger. “You can’t hide here. You have to go. You have to go right now.” You could feel a pit in your stomach begin to form as your brother took slow, long strides toward you.

“No?” he spat, completely dumbfounded by your refusal to help him. You had never turned him down before. He was family. You never said no to family.

You swallowed hard before repeating yourself. “No,” you responded, with more conviction this time, although you knew he could see right through you.

You took another step back, but ran up against your desk. Your phone was in the top drawer. Could you reach it fast enough? If you even could, who would you call? The police? That was a good way to get murdered and leave a teacher-shaped stain on the floor for the kids to come back to on Monday. Gripping the edge of the table so hard your knuckles turned white, your brother broke the ominous silence before you could.

“I’m not asking you again, hun,” he spat, now so close you could smell him.

“I can’t,” you whispered, your eyes welling up. “The kids…”

He furrowed his brow for a moment, shocked at the idea that you could actually turn your own flesh and blood away. You had always helped him, no matter how many times your parents told you not to, no matter how many times your life was put in danger. He couldn’t grasp the idea that you would put your foot down when it came to endangering other people, when it came to endangering your kids.

“They’ll kill you, you know,” he seethed, looking back over his shoulder towards the open door. There was a low rumbling growing louder and louder, but that wasn’t to whom he was referring. He was talking about your other brothers. “I told them I’d go to my baby sister, that she’d help me. She always helps me. Why would she flip on me now? Why wouldn’t she help family?” His grip tightened around his handgun as he leaned in to threaten you. “If anything happens to me, they’ll know to come to you first. They’ll know you couldn’t protect your own family.” His breath was hot against your neck. “Now,” he sighed, “Help me hide. And tell them you haven’t seen me in months.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” a man shouted from outside, causing your brother to grab hold of your arm. Those tears you had been holding back finally fell down your cheeks as your brother pulled you in front of him, placing you between the stranger and your brother. You could barely make out any details of the man from outside because of the blinding sun, but you could tell he had a gun. And that gun was much bigger than your brother’s. As the man moved into your classroom, at least five more men appeared and followed him in, all with guns pointed at your brother.

At this point, you were frozen. The lives your parents had so desperately tried to keep apart were crashing together, their worst nightmare coming true. The two of you were stuck, with only one way out. And he knew it. He gripped your arm tighter, making sure your body could be used as an effective human shield. The barrel of his gun was shoved into your ribcage, his face buried into the back of your hair.

“See what you’ve done?” he seethed. You looked at all of the men placed around the room. Leather-clad men on top of a backdrop of crudely painted rainbows and dogs. You hadn’t brought these men here. You didn’t anger a group of gun-toting men. And yet somehow, this was your fault.

“We’re only here for you, kid,” a low, rough voice called out, a different one than before.

But he wouldn’t let them take only him. He was bringing you down with him. He was willing to sacrifice his own family to keep from going down alone.

The seconds ticking by felt like hours. Your heart pounded against your ribcage, desperately trying to break free. But you could do nothing besides stand still. All you could do is hope and pray that these men that had followed your brother here had enough decency not to kill a kindergarten teacher caught in the crossfire. But your brother refused to give them that opportunity.

“If I go,” he yelled, raising his gun to your temple, “she goes too.”

These words would haunt your every thought for the rest of your life. But in that moment, all you could think about was the weapon pressed against your skin. Your brother wasn’t just willing to bring you down with him, he was willing to kill you himself. And the thought of it made you sick. It made you want to curl up into a ball and scream on the top of your lungs. You opened your mouth to cry out, but your brother hit you across the head with the butt of his gun before you could.

The men opposing your brother yelled, harsh words were exchanged, but all you could hear was a ringing in your ears. Tensions rose. Guns were raised. Blood dripped down your face and mixed with your tears. Your senses were betraying you, one by one, blending every sensation into one incomprehensible nightmare.

And then, a single gunshot rang out, making you acutely aware of the severity of the situation once more.

A scream escaped your chest as you fell to your knees, free from your brother’s death grip. You brought your hands up to your ears and squeezed your eyes shut, hoping it would all be over.

But it wasn’t over. It wouldn’t end. No matter how hard you prayed, you were still on the floor of your kindergarten classroom. Your brother was still prepared to kill you if he felt threatened. Someone was shot...someone was shot but you couldn’t bear to look. You wanted to look, you had to look, to see if it was your brother that was shot. But before you could muster the courage to open your eyes, two arms wrapped around you and pulled you into an embrace. It couldn’t have been your brother, it was much too gentle. But if it wasn’t him, then who?

It took a moment to open your eyes, but when you did, you looked up to see who was holding you. His face was kind, with dark brown eyes filled with worry as he looked down at you. He opened his mouth to say something to you, and he probably did, but you couldn’t hear him over the pounding in your head. He was a stranger to you, and yet he clung to you to keep you from seeing the mess behind you. Like he truly cared for your wellbeing. He pulled you in closer to him, placing his chin on top of your head the way your father did when you were young. It felt...safe. And all you wanted to do was collapse into him and allow yourself to feel safe. You let your head fall into his chest. You let your head fall into this stranger’s chest. And just as you did, two white patches on his left breast caught your eye. Two patches that read: Mayans, Santo Padre.

#mayans mc #bishop losa #michal ariza #riz ariza #taza #taza romero #angel reyes #ez reyes #mayans mc fanfic

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gb-patch · 3 years

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Ask Answers: January 28th, 2021 (Part 2)

Here we’ve got asks that aren’t to ask a question but are just really nice messages. Thank you all for sending us such kind comments ;v;. It’s seriously heartwarming to see so many people having good experiences with the game. I don’t even know what to say to such sweet responses.

We’ll keep doing our best and thank you again to each and every one of you for giving Our Life a chance ❤!

Hello! I've been following this account and have been following the development of 'Our Life' for a few months now, and I just wanted to say thank you for all your hard work and dedication you have put into the game. It astonishes me how much choice you have during the sequence of Our Life and am excited to play the full version now, I am downloading it as I write this message. I've had a great time seeing the demo transition into to the full game and just wanted to write two words. Thank you.

Anhhhhffbgdfbhujk!!! Congratulations on the release, I’m playing the game right now! Thank you all for your hard work and I can’t wait for the Step 3 DLC to come out, I’ll probably wait for the Step 3 DLC to come out to experience everything, but until then, I still have a lot to play. Thank you once again!

finished my first playthrough just now. it just felt so wholesome ??? 100/10 would do it again. i laughed. i cried. i got angry. i felt second-hand embrassment— i got so into it i was left in literal tears after getting my first ending. the art, the storyline, the music, and COVE HOLDEN– UGH IT WAS LITERAL PERFECTION ❤ THE WAIT WAS WORTH IT. THANK YOU FOR MAKING SUCH AN AMAZING GAME 🥺😭 this made my 2020 better, i can't wait for step 4 in 2021 ❤❤

So I was following you guys on itchio for years and uhh did I stay up til 6 am on a school night to finish the game? Yes. Did I sob my eyes out during step 3 as a 20 year old having doubts about life and adulthood? Absolutely. I can't form proper sentences right now due to lack of sleep but just wanted to say thank you for making it. I honestly feel lighter and I feel like it changed my views on future to be more optimistic... I can't wait to replay it! Thanks again!

I love how Our Life turned out!! I keep replaying it and can't stop squeaking and giggling!! Thank You for creating it ♥

okay i have actually fallen in love with cove and cannot WAIT to marry him 😭

Hi! I played through 'Our Life' yesterday and I just wanna say how refreshing it was to be able to have Cove be 'high initiative' and also have so many opportunities to initiate affection from the player character! As a pretty flirtatious/affectionate person myself, I notice that a lot of VNs don't give players that agency, and affection can be kinda 'carrot on a stick' if that makes sense. You guys did an awesome job! I look forward to seeing if there are more of those moments in Step 3 & 4 :)

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by the option to choose Cove's level of initiative in step 3! As much I love the option to choose I personally enjoy have the romanced character take the lead without my input so when I got to step 3 and had to option to make it so that Cove initiated affection without as much input from me I was really happy! You guys seriously added so much freedom in terms of choices, it's almost baffling that the only thing you have to pay for is optional DLC!

I absolutely loved everything about the game and I really want congratulate the team for making the game such a satisfying experience.

I look forward to step 4

❤️❤️❤️❤️

* and sorry for my bad English

Just finished my first play through and I loved it! I've been looking forward to the game and it definitely was worth the wait. Thank you all for your hard work and can't wait for the extra dlc!

Till then, hope you guys gets some well deserved rest🤗

Love you guys, thank you so much for your hard work. :)

Ok, so I just finished Our Life and, wow. I have never cried at a video game before, ever. Thank you so, so much! Its one of my favorites.

this isn't a question, but i just wanted to say how much i enjoyed our life 🥺 i've been patiently looking forward to the full game for a few months now, and i couldn't be happier with it! i've only played through it once so far but the outcomes of the choices i made were all so soft and wholesome 💗 i can tell that everyone who was involved really worked hard and you all did an incredible job! i can't wait to see what else is in store 👍

i’d just like to say how addictive our life is!!! i constantly played it during quarantine and now playing the full release is so amazing to me!! i love that i’m still discovering dialogue bits with different personalities and actions!!! i have to admit that i’ve been wishing the day to pass faster all day during school so i could go home and play again. mentally i’m not the healthiest and our life being released has boosted it up so much, thank you for creating such an amazing game!!!!!

Hey, I just wanna say I played our life two times and it still give me the same feelings. I was really looking forward to this game before it came out and I kept on replaying the demo. This game is such an amazing experience and I feel so happy playing it. I am not really a person good with words unfortunately but I do honestly love this more than anything in the world. Thank you for making it and I hope that you will continue to make more games like our life. This game really makes me happy and I can't thank you enough

Just wanted to say that Our Life really made me feel seen as an 18 year old trans man who's been struggling with change as of late and I can't thank you guys enough for it. I just finished the main story and currently released DLC's and gosh, I can really only say... woah. Just, woah. The messages are somehow exactly what I needed to hear right now, and they brought me a lot of comfort in this really weird and confusing time in my life. Can't wait to see what comes next in this lovely story <3

I am honestly in love with Our Life. The graphics, the soundtrack its just *chef's kiss* It was so worth the wait for it. I can't wait for step 4. Keep up the good work GB Patch!

good people i have just finished Our Life and let me say, it was beautiful. rarely have such non-fantastical moments (and even some fantastical moments) brought me to tears like this game has, and i don't even have the dlc (yet). i don't know how you did it but it felt like i was playing a slice of life anime. i had waited with baited breath to play this since i played the demo and my expectations were not just met but surpassed. from the bottom of my heart thank you for this game

I found the game by chance and I am so so glad I did. It’s so inclusive and made me feel so incredibly seen. Seeing that my gender identity and sexuality were possible just meant the absolute world to me. I’ve never seen something like this and it just made me so incredibly happy. Thank you for the absolutely amazing game and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Hello! I downloaded Our life earlier this week and I'm only now getting the chance to play it (Very busy and stressful week) I'm so excited to play and I wanna say thank you for making this adorable game!

I just finished my first playthrough of Our Life and I can't even express how much I love it. Cove is absolutely precious and has killed me several times, and the art and soundtrack is beautiful. I love all the small different choices. I'm very interested in the Derek and Baxter DLCs and the rest, can't wait!!!!!!

thank you for "Our Life Beginnings & Always" it has to be one of the best visual novels i ever have played and i just dont want it to end (i know it will, but damn it! i want to have a wedding night, have children and die of old age with cole! XD) when i play it it always makes me tear up (in a good way) and i am most definetly going to buy all the dlc that you make! thank you for this lovely game and all the work that went into it! (ps: i also loved "lake of voices" )

You guys are incredibly talented and im very proud of you all! You've really outdone yourselves w/ OL and i cant wait to see whats next to come for you all :)

i really love that you can be trans in Our Life! not a lot of games do that so i just wanted to say thank you!

Guuyyss!! I just wanna say! Thank you sm for the headscarf option in the MC creator! I especially loved that little detail where MC quickly slips the headscarf on before greeting Cove, I've never felt so immersed :'D Not that the rest of the game wasn't immersive btw, but since I wear my hijab most of the time that little addition really felt like something I would do! So thank you for that <3

I've been watching "Our Life: Beginnings & Always" development for quite some time, and I gotta say its wild to see it finally release. Its so unique in the way relationships work- even character creation. I've cried multiple times over this game while playing. I can't thank y'all enough for a game with these kind of mechanics, and representation. its rare I get to feel im really playing as myself in games like these. Everyones outdone themselves. this'll certainly be one I keep coming back to.

I've been following the development of Our Life from way back when the first demo dropped and it still blows my mind how many choices and customizations there are (love that update for the MC's bedroom btw!) and the fact that the game remembers them - it really feels like your very own coming of age story! I was so immersed I cried at the end :') Can't believe I experienced this game for free lol. I can't wait for future DLCs and Step 4! Good luck with all your upcoming projects dev team!!

Just wanted to say I love Our Life and I'm thankful it exists. Thank you so much! I love the little world you created and all the people in it. Especially Cove! This game makes me so happy!

Just poping in to say hi and that ilu guys ^^, remember to take care of yourselves!

Hi!! I just wanna thank you for creating such an amazing game. Our Life is one of the few dating sims I’ve found that let’s me be a male mc, it’s really hard to find dating sims that let me be gay. Our Life is my new favorite dating sim to just sit down and playthrough whenever I’m having a bad day so I just wanted to let y’all know how much I appreciate all you’ve done. 🤍

Fan from australia here

Just wanted to reach out and let you know how important this game has been to me. I came across it at a really rough time ( that I’m still going through ) and it’s been one of the things that’s driven me to get up and out of bed sometimes.

This game and cove both hold a very special place in my heart and I can’t wait to see more of him in the DLC and Step 4

Much love ♥️

I know this isnt exactly the main focus of the game, but i really love how we can customise the mc personality wise! This is the first time i've played a game like this where the mc actually does and says exactly what I would do and say in certain situations and its such a breath of fresh air!! It's also so cool how the other characters can pick up on it!!

Cove Holden saved 2020 (my 2020 anyways) I would die for him

Sorry for this being out of the blue, but after playing through Our Life I wanted to thank you for the experience. I don’t know if I’ve ever played a game that has made me cry happy tears TWICE lol. It’s beautiful, scenic, inclusive, and absolutely amazing..have a great rest of 2020 and I honestly cannot wait for the rest of it :,) (ps. The ending song is stuck in my head)

I think you guys might've ruined visual novels for me forever. I'm not sure I'll be able to play another without comparing it to Our Life and I know if I do that I'll be disappointed every time because of how amazing it is. I bought the DLCs before playing the base game it's one of the best impulsive purchases I've ever made

Thank you so much for making our life! It's my favorite visual novel ever and I just can't articulate how much being able to just be honest with my responses instead of going for whatever would make the love interest happy means to me? I reccomended it to evry friend I have that plays visual novels because this is the best one I've ever played!

Just wanted to say that I absolutely adore this game! The childhood friends tropes is my favorite thing and this game delivers! Cove is the sweetest thing, infact all the boys are good boys. Super excited for all upcoming dlcs!

Hi, I just want to thank you for making such an amazing game like Our Life. Tbh, I was following the game’s development for a while, but me and my family moved away from my childhood town just a few days before release, so I really connected to this game. You all did amazing!

hey just wanted to know that i completely loved ol: b&a and it was so good and love cove more than i’ve liked any fictional character, it’s now my comfort media. thank you so much

hi i just wanna say i really enjoyed all of the representation in our life b&a! there were characters with a lot of different body shapes, pic characters, lgbtq+ characters, and you get to choose your own pronouns and sexuality!!! so tysm!!

This isn't a question, I just wanted to say that Our Life is incredible. Ever since I finished it, I've been looking for other visual novels to play so I don't play OL so often that I start memorizing the lines before all the DLC comes out, but I keep coming back to it. It's really one of a kind, I think you all ruined other visual novels for me because I haven't enjoyed another VN like I have this one since I read it ❤.

i think our life b&a is the first game where i felt like cove loved me, not the character i play as which is really nice for someone with kinda low self esteem so THANK YOU

I’ve been playing Our Life practically nonstop since yesterday. I just want everyone who worked on it to know how much the LGBTQ inclusivity means to me. As a closeted trans ace guy in an unsupportive household, I can’t emphasize how much of a comfort this game has been to me. Everything about it is so wholesome and heartfelt. I’m excited to see what other games you make in the future 💙

- A demibiromantic ace transgender man who may or may not have cried over the option to be myself in a game for the first time ever

Csn i just say i really appreciate how you handled MC deciding to use they/them at different stages. Mainly because alot of games don't pay much attention to the body the mc was assigned at birth if they player chooses nonbinary like it does with male/female. And it was just nice to be able to play an mc who just thought gender was kinda 'meh' for them but still felt good about the body they were born with (like myself). I guesd it boils down I'm really appreciative of the hard work it must've taken for you to make all those options possible & still have them matter.

I just wanted to thank you all for Our Life. My mental health hasn't been in a good place recently and it has become my favorite form of escapism/way to cheer up. It's idyllic setting and fantastic characters are such a good way to wind down, I love it. Also, I've been dreading 2021 due to classes starting and general stress, but the DLC and your next project have given me something to actually look forward to :). I'm so excited for them and now I actually have a reason to be happy that it's 2021. Sorry if this message is a bit weird, I just wanted to thank the team for their hard work and for creating something so incredible <3

I've gotta say this is one of the most repayable games I've ever played, if not the most. Usually after i do a playthrough or two of a game i have to wait awhile before playing again otherwise it feels stale. But i haven't had that problem with our life because of the sheer ammount of player agency. Everyone who works on tbe game should feel incredibly proud of themselves because you've created something amazing.

I just wanted to say thank you for Our Life. I'm sure you get this a lot, but it really pulled me out of a mentally tough spot in my life. So thank you.

who needs therapy when you have our life: beginnings and always? haha no but seriously this game is my comfort game, and even though i can’t join your patreon at the moment please know i am always supporting you and i am so excited to see everything you have in store! everyone who works on the games is so so talented

All DLCs have nice content. 😡😡

And I love them all!!💗💗💗💖💖💖💕💕💕

#our life #Our Life Beginnings & Always #ourlifeba #ask #gb patch #gb patch games

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tanyawritesstories · 4 years

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Love On The Front Lines pt. 2 | Captain Rex x Reader

Here is the sequel to my Rex fic! I hope y'all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. @snips-n-skyguy0501 I hope you like it, thank you again for the request. Sorry it took so long. 😊

Warnings: fluff, mentions of nudity, more fluff, peril, depictions of birth, Rex is finally happy

•••

The day had finally come. You woke up in your bedroom on Coruscant just as light was streaming in through the viewports. You begrudgingly sat up and groaned, looking down at your huge stomach. The baby had woken you up at the crack of dawn with violent kicks to your insides for the third day in a row. You were starting to get tired of it. The little one inside you wanted out, and honestly you wanted the same thing.

You got up and ate breakfast before starting to pack what little things you needed. Rex’s two week leave started today and you had to be ready to go when he touched down. He and Anakin had formulated a plan and commed you last night to discuss it. You were to meet them at the landing platform, they would come to you. Anakin had gotten you passage on one of the transport ships that carried civilians and it would take you all the way to Naboo. When there, Padme would show you to your hideaway where you would be safe and your marriage would take place. You had memorized every detail and was ready to go. You stuffed everything into a backpack and donned a large hooded cloak, pulling the hood up to hide your face. After grabbing the backpack you locked up the apartment and made for the landing dock.

You stood off on your own near a pillar, quietly observing everything and trying to blend in. You were glad the cloak hid your stomach, you weren't an uncommon face in the GAR. Maker knows what would happen if you were recognized. You had been standing for a total of 13 minutes when you spotted two figures, also wearing hooded cloaks, heading towards you. You saw the faces of Anakin and Rex and you stepped away from the pillar to meet them. Rex's eyes met yours and he smiled. You and Rex ran the last few feet and embraced each other, in the process you accidentally pushed the hood off his head. He had ditched the armor and blacks and was wearing simple civilian clothes. You shared a quick kiss and you pulled his hood back up.

"Hey Rex," you greeted. "Hey, (Y/n). You ready?" He asked. You nodded and Rex placed a hand on your stomach, "You feeling alright?" You nodded again.

"Hurry, we haven't got much time," Anakin stated. You grabbed onto Rex's arm and you both followed Anakin to the correct platform. The General took you as far as he could then pointed out the correct ship.

"That's it down there, Rex has everything you need to get on board. Senator Amidala will be waiting for you when you reach Naboo. Good luck," he bid. You both thanked him and you parted ways. Rex and you made your way to the ship.

Not far away, a small probe droid watched the entire interaction. The Separatist droid recorded everything, sending coded messages to it's leaders.

Positive identity: General Anakin Skywalker.

Positive identity: Clone Captain Rex.

Unknown subject: Female, pregnant.

Possible link.

Rex and you entered the ship and found a place to huddle together for the journey. He put his arm around you and held you close to him. The probe droid moved undetected, slipping through the ship door just before it closed. It sent another message.

In pursuit.

~~~~

Sunlight assaulted your eyes as you stepped out of the ship. Rex put his hand on your back and led you away from the crowd. You both scanned the people at the landing platform finally spotting a woman stood away from everyone else. She was wearing a cloak too but hers was a light purple color and decorated beautifully. That must be Senator Amidala. Rex and you walked to her. You saw her face underneath her hood as you got closer. You reached her and she put a comforting hand on you and Rex.

"Welcome, both of you," she greeted, "Captain, it's good to see you again." Rex nodded, "Likewise Senator."

Padme turned to you, "(Y/n), am I correct? It's nice to finally meet you in person." You bowed your head, "It's a pleasure Senator Amidala." She smiled, "Please, both of you may call me Padme. Come this way."

She ushered you through an alleyway and behind a building where a man was standing with a small ground transport nearby. "Captain Typho," she addressed, "Our guests are here, are we ready to depart?"

The man nodded and hopped into the driver's seat. Padme sat next to him and Rex helped you into the back. The speeder took off, traveling through the Naboo streets. The entire trip took about an hour as Captain Typho drove into the hills. The house you would be staying at was secluded but not too far away from the city, just in case something happened. Padme walked into the house with you to show you around.

It wasn't very big, but it had the essentials and was much nicer than your shared apartment. Padme showed you around and gave you her comm frequency just in case.

"I'll see you both tomorrow to make sure your ceremony clothes fit. Until then, enjoy your time together," Padme bid.

You watched and waved as she left. You and Rex walked back into the house and he immediately picked you up and spun you around. You squealed and held on until he planted you back down on the ground. Your lips met with his as soon as your feet touched the ground and you held each other tight until you needed air.

“This place is perfect,” Rex gushed, pushing the hood off your head so he could see your face, “We’re far away from the war and it's just you and me.” You pushed the hood off his head and put your arms around his neck, “I couldn’t think of anything better.” You sighed, happily in the arms of the man you loved, “I still can’t believe we’re getting married in two days.”

~~~~

The next day went by with a blur. Rex and you had to visit Padme to make sure your formal wedding clothes fit. Rex’s was perfect because the measurements were taken from his armor, whereas yours needed more tampering to accommodate your large belly. You and Rex had dinner with Padme that night and discussed details. Upon waking up the next morning you and Rex had breakfast together before being whisked away to different sides of the house.

Your dress fit perfectly. The white strapless dress wasn’t anything super fancy but it made you look beautiful. There was beadwork on the bust and navy blue ribbon on every hem, it was loose and flowy with a small train. You were also given a navy blue veil to add to the 501st colors. Rex was ready before you and the small beach that you were to be married on was secluded and beautiful. When you were finished, Padme checked in on you and told you everything was ready and that Rex was waiting.

“This is it, are you ready?” She asked. “I couldn't be more so,” you responded. Padme laid a hand on your shoulder and handed you a small bouquet of native flowers. “Good luck.”

You made your way down to the beach with Padme close behind you. You walked slowly through the sand to where Rex and another man were waiting. Rex looked so handsome. He was wearing a blue officers uniform with his awards across the chest and white accents throughout. He looked overwhelmed with emotion, a mixture of joy, pride, and all out love. You smiled at him and he smiled back the brightest you’d ever seen. You stood in front of him and Padme took your flowers so you could join hands.

“Before we start you have two guests,” she said. You were both confused as Padme set two holodisks down in a sand a few feet away, facing you. They blinked to life to show full sized holograms of Fives and Echo.

“Sorry we weren’t invited, sir, but there was no way we were going to miss your wedding,” Echo said, Fives nodding in agreement. You laughed and thanked them both, looking at Rex. He looked proud and happy that his men were here to support and celebrate with him and gave their holograms a genuine smile. “Thank you Fives, Echo. I’m glad you’re here.”

The ceremony started and you and Rex exchanged your vows, promising to love, care for, and trust each other for the rest of your lives. “I now pronounce you, Captain Rex, and you, (Y/n) (L/n), husband and wife. You may kiss.”

You and Rex found each other’s eyes, the pure joy and light to be found was enough to make the sun jealous. At the same time, Rex and you flung your arms around each other and smashed your lips together. Applause immediately erupted from Padme, Echo, and Fives, with Fives shouting: “Way to go, Captain!”

You were finally married, you and Rex were one.

Your lips parted after a while and you both stood and basked in each other’s presence. For once, truly happy, truly safe.

~~~~

Rex stood looking out the large bedroom window at the stars in the Naboo sky. He was still shaken from the fact that he was now married to the love of his life. It was just too good to be true, whatever did he do to deserve a time like this. A time to be free from the fighting, to relax, calm down and focus on loving you rather than battle plans and the enemy’s next move. He had since changed out of his ceremony clothes and was now sporting comfortable leisure pants and had foregone the shirt. He flinched when you wormed your arms around his middle, your head resting against his back.

“How is my husband this fine night?” Oh how much Rex loved hearing that name come from your lips. “At peace,” he said, “For the first time.” You planted a kiss to his shoulder blade.

“You know what’s supposed to happen on the wedding night, don’t you?” Rex’s eyes widened, “I don’t think that’s a good idea given your current state.”

You took his arm and turned him around to face you, Rex swallowed thickly. You were wearing a sheer robe and nothing else. He couldn’t take his eyes off you. “Darling, your due date is in two weeks and three days, I’m not sure-”

“Relax,” you said, running your hands up and down his arms, “Kix said it’s completely safe as long as you’re gentle and we lay on our sides.”

“You discussed our sex life with Kix?” Rex asked, baffled. You giggled, “He kind of needed to know, dear, he’s a medic. Plus, he’s seen the marks you’ve left on me earlier in the pregnancy.”

Rex blushed, now his medic knew the ins and outs of what goes on between his Captain and weapons expert beneath the sheets. “C’mon Rex, it’s just one night,” you begged, taking his hands and placing them on your hips.

“Captain, you haven’t had me in five months, you must be so pent up.” Rex shuddered and felt a stirring sensation in his groin, it always got to him when you used his rank. He smirked, “Alright, get on the bed.”

~~~~

It had been three days since you and Rex were wed, and everyday since then had been spent together. Picnicking in the meadows, walking through the city, swimming in the lakes, just enjoying being married before you had to go back to the war.

“I was just thinking, we haven’t discussed baby names,” you voiced. Rex looked up from polishing his blasters, which he insisted on bringing along. “What did you have in mind?” You were about to answer when you both heard a huge splash from outside.

“That’s odd, we’re the only ones up here, and there are only little fish in that lake,” you said. Rex loaded his blasters and headed for the door that led out to the porch, you followed close behind. He couldn’t see anything outside but thought it best to check it out. “Stay here.” He opened the doors and walked out onto the porch. There were still no signs of anything, but the noise was suspicious and Rex was determined to figure it out, he had to protect his family.

He walked to the railing and looked out over the beach. Nothing. He lowered his weapons, confused. It was silent now, strangely so. In the blink of an eye, a commando droid sprung up in front of him. Rex reflexively aimed and shot the droid square in the head. The surrounding area seemed to move as several droids came out of the water and foliage, aiming their blasters and opening fire.

“Get inside!” Rex shouted.

This can’t be happening, how is this happening, thoughts ran through your head faster than the blasts being fired your way.

“Rex how did they find us?” You yelled. Rex grabbed your arm and pulled you with him into another room, firing as he ran. “I don’t know,” he said. He took a point at the door and fired back at your attackers. You backed away from the door, trying to think of some way to help. Metal arms suddenly wrapped around your neck and pulled, a droid had you. You screamed. Rex turned and fired, killing the droid. You fell to the floor with the hunk of metal, wincing in pain.

Rex rushed to you, putting his back to the door. “Are you ok?” You saw three droids come through the door, you grabbed the blaster from the fallen droid and shot all three, stopping them in the doorway. Rex looked at the droids you just shot, then back at you.

“Sometimes I forget you’re a weapons expert.” He helped you to your feet and you took cover behind a sofa, popping up and shooting from behind it. The pain you felt from hitting the floor hadn’t gone away, your back was starting to hurt more and more. You shot down two more droids then ducked back down. You winced from the pain, increasing by the second. You felt liquid gush down your legs and you looked down to see a puddle of water at your feet.

“Oh no.”

You turned and shot another droid. “Rex!”

He didn’t hear you.

“Rex!” You shouted over the noise of the guns.

“What is it?” He responded. You both ducked down and he looked at you. “My water just broke.” Horror spread across his face. "What do we do?" He asked. You shrugged, a bullet blasted through the sofa between you and Rex. "We need to move!"

Rex helped you up and you instantly doubled in pain, yelling out. Rex shot at more of the metal intruders as he helped you to the bedroom. You hid on the other side of the bed and Rex stayed at the door again. You pulled the comm device out of a pocket and contacted Padme.

"Hello, (Y/n)?" She answered. "Padme!" You shouted, "We need help, droids are attacking, they're after us!"

"Ok, I'm sending forces your way. Can you hold out until then?" You looked over at Rex who was backing away from the door and looking for new cover. "No, we're being overrun."

"Alright. If you can, get to the bedroom. There's a hidden entrance behind the bookshelf. It leads to an old security room. You should be safe in there until help arrives," she instructed.

"Ok, tell them to hurry!" You turned off the comm device and screamed in pain. The contractions not letting up and only getting worse. "Rex! I have a plan!" You shouted. You crawled to the bookshelf and tried pushing it. "There's a security bunker behind this, we'll be safe until help comes!" Rex ran to you and shoved the bookshelf out of the way with ease.

"How do you know someone is coming?" He asked. "I commed Padme, she's sending help," you clutched your belly, trying not to scream. Rex picked you up and punched the open button for the blast doors. He carried you down the stairs and set you in a corner. He pushed a few buttons into the door and they closed and locked with a slam. Rex returned to where you sat panting and groaning in pain.

"Help better arrive soon, we need to get you to a doctor," He said, panicking. "You're not due for another two weeks, how-"

"I don't know, but this baby is coming whether we like it or not," you screamed the last few words. You latched onto Rex's leg and he hissed in pain at how hard you grabbed him. Rex watched as you squirmed and screamed in pain. You came to a realization as the pain became mind numbing. Rex turned his head towards the door as he heard the droids attempting to shoot it down.

"Rex this baby is coming now," he turned back to you, "you're going to have to deliver it."

Rex was scared shitless. "Me? (Y/n), I have no idea what I'm doing, how am I going to-"

"I've done my research and I remember what Kix told me, I can walk you through it," you panted. Rex paled and stuttered over his words. "O-ok, what do I do?" "I need to lay down with my head propped up, and you need to remove my pants and underwear."

Rex scrambled nervously to lay you down but keep your head and upper body propped up with some debris he covered with his jacket. He took off your bottom layers and put them under your butt to protect you from the dirty floor.

"Alright now what?" You screamed out and reached for his hand, Rex hesitated to give it to you because he was afraid you'd break it with how hard you squeezed his leg.

"I do the rest of the work, and you provide moral support," you laughed lightly. Rex was shocked at the fact you were able to laugh in this situation. An explosion went off outside the door. "Whatever you do make sure I do not stop breathing or pass out from hyperventilating," you added.

Rex nodded and got you to breathe with him in between screams and contractions. He encouraged you to push, all the while the explosions outside the door got bigger. You continued to scream and groan in pain as Rex waited and provided support.

"Rex, I don't think I can do this," you whined. "Yes you can, darling," he urged, "you're strong, I know you can do this, (Y/n). C'mon now push!" Rex's abilities as a leader came in handy as his words gave you strength. There was a massive burst of blaster fire and the door began creaking. "Rex.." you said, concerned. "Don't worry, they're not getting through," he assured, hoping he was right.

You kept pushing and Rex reacted to something, reaching down between your legs. "The head is through!" He said, "c'mon (Y/n) you're almost there!"

Rex removed his shirt and held it out to catch the child. You took a deep breath and pushed as hard as you could, screaming at the top of your lungs. Then the pressure and pain subsided a small amount.

"Oh my Force.." Rex breathed. The next thing you heard was a baby crying.

Rex had paled again as the newborn was covered in blood and fluids unknown to him. "Is there supposed to be this much blood?" You sat up a little, "Yes, you need to clean them off and cut the cord."

Rex held the baby as if it were transparisteel, gently wiping away the blood and other liquids. You reached into your shirt and pulled out a small knife, handing it to Rex. "The father always gets the honor of cutting the cord," you said. Rex took the knife and gently severed the connection. He wrapped the baby in his shirt and carefully handed the small bundle to you. You cradled the small life form in your arms, unwrapping the shirt a little bit. "It's a girl."

Rex sighed and slumped against the wall, relieved and happy. He crawled and sat next to you looking at the small being in your arms that you had pressed to your skin. She had stopped crying the second she was pressed against your warm body.

"She's perfect, Rex," you voiced. Rex looked at the baby. His daughter, his creation, it was love at first sight. "She's beautiful," he said, tears welling up in his eyes, "I helped make that?" You nodded and smiled at him, "yes, we made that." You reached up and pulled Rex into a kiss. "We did it, babe."

You both were startled out of your moment when the blast doors were heard opening. Rex turned as he heard footsteps rushing down the stairs. He was about to reach for his blasters when he caught sight of who all it was.

General Skywalker stood at the bottom of the stairs with Fives and Echo by his side and the rest of Torrent Company behind them. Rex sighed in relief again. "We heard you needed rescuing," Anakin said. You peered out from behind Rex seeing the boys all standing there. Rex leaned back to show you holding the little human, Kix rushed to your side to make sure you and the baby were in good health.

"Alright men, let's give them some room until Kix says it's ok," General Skywalker ushered the men upstairs and allowed Kix to check out you and baby. "You're both perfectly healthy," he said, putting a blanket over your bottom half. "Have you decided on a name?"

You and Rex looked at each other. "I like Raina," Rex said. "Raina is beautiful," you agreed. Kix smiled at you both, "Congratulations. I'll give you a few minutes and then let the men come down if that's alright." "Sounds good, Kix. Thank you," Rex nodded. Kix went back upstairs, leaving you and Rex with your new baby girl. "C-can I hold her?"

"Of course, you're her papa," you showed Rex how to hold Raina and he took her gently in his arms. "She's so light," he whispered. He took in the image of his daughter, staring at the little life form that he helped create and that was now his and yours to cherish and raise.

"Rex.." he looked at you, "Are you alright, honey?" You offered a warm smile. Rex now registered that he had tears streaming down his face.

"Yes, I'm just so happy. This is something I never thought I'd get," he confessed, "To be able to see and hold my daughter, to have a child. I'm just a clone, and she makes me feel like I have so much purpose now."

You took his face in your hands, wiping away his tears. "I feel more motivated to win this war knowing I'm fighting for you and her," Rex sniffed, you put your arm around him and a hand on Raina's head. Rex blinked to hold back more tears and sighed happily. "Cut was right."

You kissed Rex on the cheek and he shuffled Raina back into your arms. You smiled, rubbing your thumb against her little cheek. You burst into a fit of giggles and Rex smirked at you. "What is it?"

"I just realized something," you said, "Raina now has millions of uncles." Rex laughed along with you, "She'll be spoiled for sure."

A chorus of footsteps came down the stairs and the bewildered men gathered around you to look at the baby. "Now don't get too close," Kix warned, "and don't be loud." Curious gazes all shone down at you and your husband. "She's so tiny," Fives voiced. "Congratulations," Echo added. "You never told us the baby was Rex's," Jesse said, eyebrow raised.

Rex glared at his brother. "We weren't sure what to do and we're sorry we lied," you admitted.

"Don't worry," Jesse said, "as far as any of us are concerned, she's still the result of the Coruscant guy." You and Rex looked confused.

"He means, your secret is safe with us," Hardcase put in. "All of us," Tup added. "Thank you all so much," you gushed.

Fives looked to the rest of the men, "That means we're all uncles now, boys. Raina is our responsibility now too."

"You were right, love," you said to Rex. "About what?" He questioned. "She is going to be spoiled."

#star wars the clone wars #captain rex x reader #captain rex #fluffy #feel good fics #sequel

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writings-of-a-daphodil · 4 years

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Fire Keeper: Chapter 13 Deleted Scene

Douxie x fem reader

Chapter 1

Masterlist in bio!

Series Summary: You are Jim’s older sister who is taking a break from college and has moved back home to Arcadia. You end up joining Jim and his friends on their adventures.

Chapter 13: Deleted Scene summary: After you help out Mindy you still don't get your day off. Instead you've got to help Toby find Glug.

A/n: So, This takes place after they get the repellant and after Y/n goes Mindy's. It takes place during Arcadia's Most Wanted.

You spent eight hours at Mindy’s, painting repellents on her walls. Over the time you had pretty much exchanged life stories and you would almost call her a friend.

Now you were at work. It had been a while since you had been in, but you had to go eventually. You couldn’t stay on leave forever.

It was actually kinda nice to just do mundane work. You felt calm just waiting tables. However, all relaxing things must come to an end. You hung up your apron and made your way to your car, but you were distracted by seeing Toby driving a police car.

You gave him a ‘what do you think you're doing’ look and watched as detective Scott ran after him. You didn’t think it could get any worse, but then Toby crashed the car into a lamp post. You just stood there in mild shock with Detective Scott as Toby ran away.

You sighed, there went your night of binging that new show.

“Detective!” You called out, walking over to him. You had to make sure Toby got away. You remembered getting a text from Jim earlier saying that one of the trolls had gone missing and was behind the recent crime spree. So, with that knowledge you deduced that while Toby had been looking for the troll he had gotten arrested.

“Y/n, you know that Domzalski kid, do you have any idea what he has gotten himself caught up in?” Detective Scott asked.

“Toby causing trouble? That just doesn’t sound right. He’s such a good kid!” You exclaimed, going to stand in front of the detective. You honestly had to admit ever since Jim had become the Trollhunter you had become a phenomenal actress.

“That’s what they all say,” Detective Scott mumbled then he turned to you. “Well, have a good night Y/n.”

You smiled, knowing that you had bought Toby enough time to escape. “You too.”

You watched him investigate some tire tracks that led into the sewer as you walked to your car. Once you were inside you called Jim.

“So, when were you gonna tell me Toby was arrested? Hmm?”

Jim laughed nervously. “Hey, Y/n. I just didn’t want to bother you on your night off.”

“You’re lucky they didn’t call mom or Mrs. Domzalski,” you said.

“I know, you’re right. Anyways, Toby is with us now and we are going to find Glug.”

“Okay, good luck. I’ll do my best to help.”

“You too and stay safe.”

You smiled. “I will.” You turned on your car and watched as detective Scott hopped into the sewer.

You knew that he was doing his best to help Arcadia and that Toby was going to be safe, but you also knew you had to help out. So, you drove over to the bookstore. Maybe Douxie could help you find Glug before problems ensued. Detective Scott could not be allowed to find the troll.

Just as you got out of the car and were about to knock on the door you remembered that Douxie was working at the cafe. You sighed, resigning yourself to finding Glug on your own. Just as you were about to hop back into your car, Archie jumped in front of you.

You yelped. “Hi, Archie.”

“Greetings Y/n, if you're looking for Douxie he is at the cafe,” the framilier informed as he licked one of his paws.

“Thanks Arch, but I only came to see if he was willing to help. I don’t need to bother him at work,” you said, unlocking the car.

“Perhaps I can be of assistance. It gets pretty boring with Douxie gone and I don’t have much to do.”

“Maybe you can help,” you considered him for a moment. “Could you turn into a Bloodhound? I need to find someone.”

“I suppose, who do you need to find?” Archie asked, getting into the passenger seat.

“A troll named Glug, she went missing and apparently she’s been stealing a ton of stuff. I don’t know many details, but I need to find her,” you explained as you drove to Glugs tub. You would need Archie to get the scent.

The two of you arrived to see NotEnrique and Glug drinking. You scowled at the two of them.

“I know you're living on the streets right now, but that doesn’t mean you can steal from humans. You also can’t just disappear, what if Gunmar had found you?” you scolded, but Glug just looked confused.

NotEnrique finished his drink and set down the cup. “Glug didn’t do nothing.”

“What do you mean?” Archie asked, hopping onto your shoulder.

NotEnrique leaned towards Archie studying him. “Whoa, I didn’t know you had a framilier, Y/n.”

“I don’t, he’s my friend’s framilier,”

“Friend,” NotEnrique teased and you rolled your eyes.

“Just answer the question.”

“Glug hasn’t stolen anything, she was just out gettin’ ingredients for more Glug,” NotEnrique explained.

“Hmm,” you considered what he said then you looked at Archie. “What do you think.”

“Well, obviously there’s another culprit and they aren’t a troll,” Archie theorized and you nodded.

“That makes sense.”

Archie nodded. “Now to find out who the other culprit is.”

“You’re still up for hunting criminals with me?” You asked.

“With Douxie it’s mostly fighting daemons and monsters or running errands that Merlin left us, I never get to be a detective.”

“Archie and Lake Detective Agency, open for business,” you joked as you walked back to the car. The two of you got in and you drove to the vespa place. You got out of the car and opened the passenger for Archie, but instead a black Bloodhound hopped out.

“Okay, don’t get mad, but you are the most adorable bloodhound ever!” You exclaimed.

“I’ll accept the compliment,” Archie said as he began sniffing around. You silently watched him do his work and he eventually came back over to you.

“The thieves are a group of humans,” Archie concluded.

“Now that you have their scents can you lead us to their hide out?”

“Yes,” Archie walked to the sewer entrance and you hopped down into it. You and Archie stayed silent as you wandered the sewer.

It was like a labyrinth and you were glad you had Archie to lead you through it. Nevertheless you typed the turns you took on your phone.

Eventually you came across a room full of the stolen goods. “I guess this is the part where we call the police,” you announced.

~~~~

“—And that is why Douxie vowed to never milk the Slor again,” Archie was saying. The two of you had managed to direct the police to the goods and then you had left. Now you were bringing Archie home.

“Hey,” Douxie said when he saw you. “What’s up?”

You smiled. “Archie and I just found the hideout of those thieves that have been bothering Arcadia recently.”

“Nice Job,” Douxie congratulated and you beamed at him. "It's nice to see my oldest friend and my newest bonding."

The two of you both reached to pet Archie and you blushed when you brushed hands. "We may even start a detective agency," you joked.

"We'll call it Archie and Lake," the framilier added and you all laughed.

****

So there you have it! This was originally 166 words, because I stopped writing it when I realized it wasn't gonna work and then I decided to turn it into this. It was really fun to write Y/n and Archie's relationship and I hope y'all liked it. and I hope y'all have a beautiful day/night and stay safe.

P.S. if you want to be on the taglist feel free to ask. I hope it works and please message me if it doesn’t.

P.P.S. I'm totally open for requests on fluffy half chapters! If you have any ideas for the half chapters send them in and I'll do my best to include them.

#douxie x reader #douxie imagine #trollhunters imagine #tales of arcadia imagine #toa imagine #wizards imagine #douxie #trollhunters douxie #trollhunters #toa #toa douxie #tales of arcadia #tales of arcadia douxie #wizards #wizards douxie #fire keeper

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4theputas · 3 years

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Hello, this is eve (@rosaliehalee). I did not think I would ever be returning to this app again, but just recently, a friend of mine talked to me about a topic that hit close to home and seeing as I never got to tell my side, I figured it would be a good thing to have it out in the open, whether some choose to believe me or not. I've got absolutely nothing to hide, as nothing here holds any worth or importance to me. Being thrown under the bus is not anything new to me, after all, and I don't plan on staying around after this post to mingle with the roaches.

The circumstances under which I left were pretty public, and I do not plan on acting like I wasn't partially to blame for them. There were lots of mistakes made on my part, and I accept that and took them as opportunities to grow and become a better person. However, seeing that this "bullying culture" prevalent amongst the fandom has survived and is still affecting others, perpetuated by the very same groups of people as always, is disappointing although not surprising at all. It was around before I joined and clearly remains after I left.

After all, what more can one expect from known xenophobes and hypocrites? People who will tell you to shut up about your lived experiences with racism, and then turn around and accuse anyone they dont agree with of being racist? Weaponizing their identities to silence any petty disagreement, and to victimize themselves in situations where they are far from being so. People who will hide literal pedos in their friend groups? People who will depend on some of you to defend them and then call you a "stupid white bitch" behind your back? People who will send you asks literally SUICIDE BAITING after telling them about your fragile mental health and suicidal thoughts, while pretending to be triggered by talk of it (hello ama, I'm not stupid and know it was you. two people aside from you knew; one was too nice and the other lacks a spine). I'm sure you'll be disappointed to know that I'm fine and happier than ever, working through my traumas with my loved ones by my side, as I'm not pathetic enough to listen to the demands of little, unhappy people and off myself because someone on the internet of all places told me to do so.

Im not gonna go into detail about all my experiences with the circle jerks that are some of the groups on here, but I will say I pity the fact that your need for drama and bullying stems from the lack of validation in your lives. Genuinely. Some of y'all are really pushing 30 and still picking internet fights, and I can tell the rest of you are heading that same way. I'm genuinely sorry that your lives are so incomplete and that you are not receiving enough love in your lives to feel content with them, that you need to rely on picking on others on an obsolete app to make you feel better about yourselves.

I would strongly encourage finding new, HEALTHY hobbies, and to stop projecting onto others. I would also STRONGLY advice against taking part in any of these group chats, because they're nothing more than snake pits where it's every man for himself, and where the most disgusting pieces of shit will hide behind the rest because everyone's got shit on everyone and giving any credibility to whistleblowers will result in everyone's dirty laundry being aired.

Been there, done that.

I wasted 20 minutes of my life just writing this, which I find to be more time than any of you all deserve, tbh. Feel free to slander me, talk shit, call me a liar, whatever. I don't give half a fuck what any of you have to say regarding me at this point. Whether you want to admit it or not, a lot of you know that this is true. It was charity work coming back to wade through this toxic, rat infested sewer, but I said what had to be said.

I hope y'all manage to put down your phones for 5 seconds and go touch some grass. It might make yall more bearable to be around and the people in your lives might actually begin to like you ❤ before pointing any fingers, make sure there aren't any pointing back at you.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #twilight fandom #midnight sun #twilight revival

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tmnt-brave-new-world · 3 years

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Good evening gentlemen, and welcome. My name is Blossom. I hope y'all, and your Mun, are well, and hope this hasn't been asked of the others, If you have a spare time in your day, how do you enjoy passing it? And if you don't mind my asking one more question...Leo, I heard you've studied and enjoy music, art. Do you have a preferred medium in either? Thank you kindly.

Good evening Ms. Blossom,

its a pleasure to meet you. Myself and Raph have already answered this, however Mikey and Donnie have not been asked this of yet.

Donnie flicked his eyes from his older brother back to the small brunette before giving a small nod of his head. “Right. I’m afraid my down time is limited. Even with our extended life spans, there never seems to be enough time for all of the projects I have planned. I do however make it a point to pull myself away from work so that I rest properly, eat three times a day and groom myself as needed. I have also learned that stopping when I’m starting to feel fatigued is necessary if I plan to continue in a productive fashion.”

“I enjoy gardening, and studying the different needed variables within the contained ecosystems in which I create. There is something to be said about being able to take the time and learn such a rudimentary art. It also reminds me of the days in the resistance when the time needed to grow nutritional food was almost no existent. I take great pride in what I create, and the resistant strains of certain species of fruit and vegetable I have managed to create with my knowledge of genetics and field observations. I also enjoy dabbling in each of my brothers hobbies. they would be loathe to admit it, but they become so excited over their favorite topics and the knowledge they can share. Its nice to see that sense of peace on each of their collective faces.”

“Another area of interest is archeology, from collecting fossils to ancient jewelry, a tie to the past has always been of significant interest. I believe my bothers enjoy playing in the dirt when I go to a dig site, or harvest a crop as a type of trade off for time spent with each of them.”

“Raph and I work on different mechanics and converting both classic cars and the newest toy into something that works better than originally planned, or is better suited for one of use to use. I’ve had to make a special booster seat insert for when someone drives them as a result however.”

“I have attended many a gala and charity event with Leo, He has a sizable art, and artifacts collections that can be observed in many rooms of the house. Albeit he does have me research each event to make sure the big ticket items aren’t stolen or haven’t been reported as missing since the fall of Earth.”

“Mikey is always looking for someone to attend the opening of new restaurants or to assess some type of new technique related to a style of art he’s suddenly become interested in. I’ll allow his to explain in further detail, however.”

Mikey shot her a big grin before he started in, “I guess I’m next?”

“Man I don’t think I really have a job so its always down time for me!” The turtle laughed good naturedly. I enjoy bringing people happiness and the best way I have found to do that is with my ability to create. I love being able to have the freedom to create in a wide array of formats. I can use multiple techniques to paint in a multitude of styles. I can sculpt. I can weave. I am actually certified to create and Tattoo. I can blow glass sculptures and pieces. I can carve objects from wood, stone or just about any other medium reasonably well. I can cook, and have actually been featured on a few cooking shows and competitions. I can also sew, which has lead me to creating and collaborating with a lot of other artist.”

“Time in the resistance let we with a jack of all trades kind of mentality. If its something I think I might be able to learn or understand, I go all in and learn it. I actually learned how to perform professional level autobody work for Raph and Donnie, for when they wanted to be able to do customizations on cars but neither could explain to a body shop what exactly it was they wanted. I even spent several months in the mountains of Tibet and Morocco learning about the different techniques related to ancient dyes and leather tanning techniques.”

“I tend to take contracts and commissions from people when I feel like it. Its awesome because a lot of the time I never know what exactly someone is going to ask for and because of my skills I can combine things in ways that no one has ever thought about before!”

“One of my favorite things to do with my down time though is that I actually teach several classes online and through zoom regarding basic techniques such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, and basic adulting. I found it really shocking how many kids and adults didn’t have these skills after we took back Earth and that their lives seemed to suffer for it. So I did what I do best and I started youtube videos on how to do it and then started offering free classes that are coordinated with local community centers and libraries to help those who need it but may not be able to try it due to lack of resources. I of course send all the needed supplies to the sites that sponsor these classes, so that they aren’t anything for offering to help!”

“For the second part of your question Miss Blossom,” Leo gave an unusually shy smile, “I’m no where near as talented as my brother, but I enjoy painting still life and landscapes. I can use acrylics, oils and watercolor with varying degrees of success. There is something cathartic about slowly transforming a canvas or trying new techniques. As for Music I can play the piano and a few classic songs to completion. I have attempted to learn the violin and the guitar but am no where near sufficient for anyone to hear, except for Mikey who acts as my instructor most evenings.”

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babygirlizz · 4 years

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Movies and TV shows of 2019

Okay so a couple or few years ago I did a review of movies that had released that year because I was super into movies that year. I am still into movies, but I have been watching a lot more shows this year. So, I will be reviewing movies and tv shows. Furthermore, I will be including stuff released this year, that I found this year, or that has a new season this year. Basically just anything that I have loved this year. Also, I don’t feel like ranking, so no particular order. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD - if you see a title of something you have not seen, and don’t want spoilers, please feel free to skip that section. Also, some of these I haven’t seen in a hot minute so if I get a detail messed up, we won’t speak on it. And finally, trigger warning - if you have struggled with sexual assault and may have an issue reading about it, either skip this post entirely or skip over the review of “Unbelievable.”

MOVIES -

1. After

I have been waiting for this since middle school. I read the after books on wattpad because what teenager in love with harry styles didn’t. Now I will be real with y'all. The acting could use some work in specific scenes, and some of the actors aren't MY favorite picks for certain roles, but I’m not gonna hate on actors. Ok so, Tessa (Josephine Langford) is an incoming freshman in college and is rooming with an upperclassmen, Steph (Khadijha Red Thunder) who has a friend named Hardin (Hero Fiennes-Tiffin). Steph wants Tessa to branch out and do new things, so she invites her to a party, where they play the stereotypical games, and thats when Hardin is kind of dared to make Tessa fall in love with him. ALSO, Tessa has a high school boyfriend named Noah (Dylan Arnold). She starts seeing Hardin, her boyfriend finds out, she falls in love with Hardin, and finds out it was all a dare. Buuuuuuut, pLoT tWiSt he actually loves her.

2. Avengers: Endgame

Ok listen, Infinity War was heartbreaking bc Bucky duh, but y'all are really gonna take Tony (RDJ) and Steve (Chris Evans) away from me? Shut up. Still, this was a really good movie and I’m not just saying that because I’m a marvel hoe. FRICK Thanos and thats on Ant Man. Thats literally all I have to say.

3. Annabelle Comes Home

I am a whore for scary movies. I love them so much and this one was *chefs kiss*. I love Mckenna Grace, she's such a good young actress and she fits so well in scary moves. There’s not much to say about the plot in this one, and ya really need to see it. Also, Bob (Michael Cimino) is so heckin cute what the heck.

4. Let It Snow

Ok this is a lot to unpack so grab ya snacks. Let’s talk about couple number 1 (of 3), Tobin (Mitchell Hope) and Angie (Kiernan Shipka) who are best friends. Tobin is in love with Angie but doesn’t know how to tell her, and gets lots of unwanted encouragement from his best friend Keon (Jacob Batalon) who just wants to throw a heckin good party, is that too much to ask for? So Angie gets invited to a party by some cute guy, JP (M and Tobin is jealous but goes with her anyways and they steal a keg for Keon’s party and run from the scary hosts of the party and end up stranded in a church after his car spins out of control. They finally make it to the party and kiss on the roof with the waffle town sign shining bright behind them. NEXT - we have Julie (Isabela Merced) and Stuart (Shameik Moore). This is kind of really cliche with the whole “he’s-famous-she-doesn’t-care-he-finds-that-attractive-lets-fall-in-love” aspect, but its also hella cute uwu. They meet on a train and the train stops so they go eat at the waffle town and go sledding and do a bunch of cute coupley shit. His manager comes to get him and basically tells her that nothing will ever really happen between them and he leaves. Then, he shows up at the party and they fall in love. NEXT- we have Dorrie (Liv Hewson) who is a lesbian that constantly struggles with the gay panic. Her best friend Addie (Odeya Rush) doesn't help much either because she's having her own relationship problems. Dorrie works at Waffle Town and when she's working the girl she's talking to, Kerry (Anna Akana) comes in with her dance team, and she's not out of the closet. A bunch of shit goes down, but they end up together and Dorrie learns that she’s worth more than she thinks and that’s all that matters. Also, Billy (Miles Robbins) and Tin Foil Woman (Joan Cusack) make wonderful additions to this movie.

5. The King

First of all - Timothée Chalamet and Robert Pattinson in the same movie? Sign me the HECK up. But they’re also historical, frick yea. Not too much to say about this movie other than it’s good. Super graphic (don’t watch if you don’t like decapitation lol) and super long, but good nonetheless.

6. Falling Inn Love

This movie is super freaking cute. Gabriela (Christina Milian) decides that she needs a change and enters a contest to win an Inn in New Zealand. She wins the Inn and is shocked when she realizes the Inn needs a LOT of work. She goes around town to get stuff to fix up the Inn and constantly runs into Jake (Adam Demos) and they have this flirty but we don’t like each other relationship, but then ya know, they fall in(n) love.

SHOWS -

1. The Society

I could talk about this show for hours, literally. I love it so much it’s insane. Ok, so lets start from the beginning. A town called West Ham is being plagued by a disgusting smell. Due to this, the town decides to send busloads of teenagers to the mountains while they try and resolve the smell situation. All of the teenagers fall asleep on the bus and wake up to the announcement that they had to go back home due to road blocks. When they get off the buses, its late and no one is there to pick them up. They think that it may just be a sense of miscommunication, so they head home, only to find that none of their families are there, and they can’t get ahold of any of them over the phone. They finally decide to investigate and find that all exits out of town are completely blocked off. They then decide to find a way to survive without their families. This causes a lot of tension within the town including the death of a main character. This shows also includes gay representation!!!! This is my favorite couple, Sam (Sean Birdy) and Grizz (Jack Mulhern). Sam is deaf and gay and his brother, Campbell (Toby Wallace), makes fun of him for both reasons, and when the whole issue with the town happens, he believes he will never find love because he doesn’t think anyone else is gay, until Grizz comes along, and tries to learn ASL and loves him for him.

2. Roswell New Mexico

Alright, to be completely honest, I did not want to watch this. I have no idea why I just didn’t. I saw an edit on like instagram or something of the couples in the show and I was like, alright I can give it a chance. And spoiler alert I loved it. The series starts off with Liz Ortecho (Jeanine Mason) comes back to her hometown of Roswell around the time of her the anniversary of her sister, Rosa’s (Amber Midthunder), death. She gets pulled over on her way in and the officer that pulled her over was Max Evans (Nathan Parsons), who has had a crush on her since they first met, and just so happens to be an alien. After Liz gets shot in her families restaurant, Max uses his healing powers to save her, but leaves behind a hand print on her that makes her suspicious. She continues to investigate until he tells her the truth. She also finds out that her sister was actually murdered, and has the same hand print on her that she did when Max healed her. Turns out, his sister, Isobel (Lily Cowels) killed her, but it was actually another alien possessing her (which they didn’t know was possible when she killed her). When they landed on earth they also landed with their “brother” Michael (Michael Vlamis) who starts off the series with an on and off relationship with Alex (Tyler Blackburn) and I love them together. Alex is the son of one of the guys trying to find and take down the aliens and he also went to war and lost his leg. Anyways, towards the end of the season Alex starts seeing Maria (Heather Hemmens), which is a couple I don’t really like, but also bi representation is good! Anyways I don’t really wanna spoil this one too much I just love it a lot.

3. Elite

This is a show that came out in 2018, but they released a second season this year. All I’m saying is please watch the original version, not the dubbed over version. Elite is a spanish show about a few students that get a scholarship to the private school after their school gets demolished. This shows is in the fashion of present and past which includes a lot of flashbacks leading up to the the murder of one of the students. My favorite part of this show is the relationship between Ander (Arón Piper) and Omar (Omar Ayuso). Ander is the son of the head of the school and Omar is the brother of one of the students that got a scholarship. Not only are they of different socioeconomic status’, but Omar is also Muslim, and his family would not approve of him being gay. He finally finds the courage to tell his family, but thats not until season 2. Also, his sister Nadia (Mina El Hammani) falls in love with the “bad boy” of the school, Guzmán (Miguel Bernardeau) and starts going against her parents wishes as well.

4. The Umbrella Academy

Y’all mind if I confuse y'all real quick. So, a bunch of women all of the sudden give birth out of nowhere at the same time even tho none of them were pregnant? Yea I know weird. Anyways, so this dude tries to adopt as many of them as possible and ends up adopting like 7. They all have powers and they try and stop the apocalypse. That’s literally all I can tell y'all.

5. Unbelievable

I swear I didn’t mean to get y’all upset right now. This show made me angry and sad and so many other feelings all at once. So the show beings with a girl named Marie (Kaitlyn Dever) getting raped in her home. When she reports it, they can’t find any evidence, as he cleaned the apartment and made her shower. This mixed with the fact that she struggles remembering parts of her experience (which is common with sexual assault), the police don’t believe her and force her to retract her statement. This in itself is awful, but they also charge her with false statement, which adds on to the fact that people already believe that she is a liar. Years later, two female detectives, Karen and Grace, piece together rapes in their precincts and once they find the rapist, they find Marie’s picture in with his belongings, proving that she was telling the truth the entire time.

6. Sailor Moon

I just got into anime and all I have to say is that I love this. That is all.

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thestudyfeels · 6 years

Text

How To NOT Be Depressed.

(Or If You Prefer — How to Be Substantially Happy About Life.)

WARNING: This is one rollercoaster ride of a post. Proceed with extreme caution. For some, the staggering levels of insight may induce true purpose and re-establish their warrior spirit. For others, side effects may include grammatically incorrect hate or aloof eyerolls. We advise exiting if the said group includes you, for we're very tired of cleaning vomit off the seats.

Step aboard at your own risk.

If you’re one of the brave souls who stayed back to join us, I congratulate you for even I am scared of how crazy this post truly is. Alrighty then, kick back and relax folks, today we’re having a mature, adult conversation. Merely another cheery afternoon spent talking about life and its realities. Not too bad, eh?

Before we begin, spoiler alert! For those of you already turned off by the mention of 'depression’ and packing their bunnies to leave, sit tight. This ISN'T really about depression. This is about HAPPINESS. No clickbait. That got your attention, right butterfly? Nice, now stay.

A welcoming, maybe demanding A/N: Do me a favor and read this in one go. Maybe even plug in those headphones and listen to the songs dedicated to each part as you read. It's long, you have the new Riverdale episode to catch up on, but don't hop away just yet because (I had a couple moments writing this, alright) it's life changing. You'll prolly cry a few tears of realization, nod all nod-able body parts in agreement, beat your chest at random instants 'cause the hype’s too real, and perhaps, if it isn’t too much to hope for, finally go change your life for the better. In case you've forgotten, this'll remind you that there’s always hope, that you're a born conqueror, and you were made to THRIVE, not survive. Convinced? Kay, roll the cams.

To clarify first-hand, no, I'm not depressed although I’ve experienced mild depression for a period before. Glad to say I'm out of it but I still struggle with tackling what I'm about to detail next.

Insert bitter voice, it’s this: My life is nowhere near I want it to be. Though I know vaguely what I wanna do, I haven't yet figured out how the hell I’m supposed to get there, or how my dream life is to be sketched out. It’s all a blurry mess. Which, to put it bluntly, hurts. I HATE feeling powerless and worthless, roaming about aimlessly.

There are many such moments where I hit the brakes to wonder why I’m not living THE Life already. There have been several times when I curl up and cry a frickin’ Amazon. There are horrible nights where I'm shaking with emotions, but they won't release, leaving me choked. (…not in that way, you hoes. Um, just ruined the dramatic mood with a lame dirty joke, sorry.)

They say talking helps and that's why I figured I'd drop in. But perhaps more importantly, I wanted to hang because no matter how unfocused the lens may seem at my future, I don't consider myself a dopey loser incapable of the crazy dreams or wild bucket lists I fantasize about– and I thought I'd skip along to remind you that neither should you. (Or maybe I just came to sniff the new appetizers, who knows?)

PS: I also broke a sweat listing six ways to get outta depression– alternatively, to be more of a conqueror– because y'all are always pestering me with asks that go “how do I conquer omg send supplies” (Like, imagine a conqueror saying that! Oh, the crime, the atrocity!)

So yes, you're welcome. Have a feast with this litness.

The main reason behind people being so frightfully sad, I’ve found, is a huge lack of fulfillment. We don't do what we love, for either— [ 1 ] we aren’t living life the way we want to (since we keep doing things we feel we're supposed to do) OR [ 2 ] because Mama, Papa and Mrs. Carter next door feel that struggling is the only way, and project their traditional beliefs onto us. Either way, whether or not we consciously realize this, subconsciously, we're all hurting because of it. Badly.

That lingering feeling of emptiness never seems to leave. You feel drained every night when you drop into bed, not because you gave it your all, but because you couldn't. And so, we do the next best thing. Drugs. Maybe not literally, but figuratively. We numb out this subconscious pain by binge watching Netflix shows. We deaden ourselves to that discomfort by reading smut in the bathroom or by playing dumb video games all day. We try (and fail) to extinguish this feeling of not ‘being enough’ by having silly flings or fake friendships.

And ultimately, we NUMB ourselves out to LIFE for we can't bear to live the way we're living. There's a reason why “How to Stop Procrastinating” posts are so popular (they’re a blogger’s most foolproof way of paying the month’s rent, and yes, even I'm guilty of a couple). We’re constantly having FOMO and tuning into others' highlights on social media– completely missing out on our own lives in the process. We fail to realize that the culprit is lack of genuine purpose more than zero self-control (or maybe it’s both, but that’s a tale for another day).

[On a side note, obviously I did generalize a bit– video games can be a passion for you, watching shows a way of winding down. But for most, they’re only DISTRACTIONS, just another way of ignoring the calls of life by hanging up the phone.]

And here's the bitter truth about depression: The longer you wait to start living authentically, the more you start tuning out the inner cries wanting change, the faster your dreams start to ebb away, and the more you'll want to become insignificant. And to me, that's the scariest part of this journey to my dream life.

Nothing frightens me more than knowing that the moment I stop pushing, the very moment I give in to distractions and fears, my goals will stop manifesting themselves and I'll be stuck in this small town with its small people eternally. And THAT, I'm certain, won't be any more fun than working your way through a soggy ham sandwich, ironic as soggy is what life has become. (Yes, I have a thing against soggy sandwiches. They were a kid's worst lunch nightmare.)

If you relate, and I’m sure you do (it’s probably why you stopped scrolling through cheesy fanfic for ten minutes to read this, I know you amigo) — here are six ways to NOT be depressed. Or more accurately, to gift wrap yourself some sweet ol’ happiness.

You're a Samurai and the Following Be Your Katanas —

Hol’ up. The second you reach the End Card, I want you to drop your Cheerios and implement at least THREE of these six strategies. Just follow the Takeaways, I've made this really simple. And as a rule, one of them has to be this one. (Look, don't whine. If you wanna climb outta that dark hole, you gotta put in some effort. So pop that booty, and let’s get down to business!)

Here’s the most truthful, though cheesy thing I’ll ever say: I would be nowhere I am today without this blog. If not for it, I would most likely be weeping in a dug-out hole somewhere, drowning in my salty little pond of tears and chiming every loser’s favorite words (“there's no point”). Creating this blog gave me a definite purpose – putting out fiery content, dipping myself deep into my newly found passion for writing and influencing, and connecting with other conquerors on the platform.

I meet a lot of folks, whether at Sad School, Mouldy Mall, or Boring Bus stop, who always seem to be in a state of death-inducing boredom. When asked about their favorite thing to do, they’ll mumble “sleep” or “food” like Siri narrating your cat’s evening routine. And then you see adults, dragging through life mindlessly. Utterly clueless, floating like a piece of driftwood in an ocean bubbling with life. My sympathy quota gets overdosed everytime I think about it.

To spell it out, find something to do. Anything! Learn a language, try some ballet, take pictures of your neighbor's rose garden, make an art piece and show it to your mom, stitch buttons onto shirts for fun, heck, make an entire shirt out of buttons, take a break from reading smut to write your own, frutify your farts, WHATEVER, just get up and move.

And here’s why – nay, not to keep you engaged or make you feel less worthless, not that bullcrap. It’s to put in gear the journey of figuring out what is the shite that you love doing. Too often we get stuck thinking about what our oh-so-great passion is. Get this, passion is energy. A spark for something. A magical fortune cookie which, when cracked, seems to explain everything, gives you the very reason for being alive. You can only feel that fire, that wild love, when you actually do it. So get cracking is all I’ll say!

Takeaway:

Attempt something. Nah, scratch that, imagine you’re in a sweet shop with shelves lined with free samples and try everything. Pick up that Polaroid cam, take that dreaded history course, buy that children’s cooking kit– in short, start working. Pull out all the stops, get curious, and get creative. In the process, if you promise to try hard enough, you WILL (money back guarantee) find out what makes your little heart burst with mad happiness and would willingly do for free, if needed, because you really are that crazy about it. And that, my dear, will be your oh-so-great-indeed passion. Have no doubt, you’ll never be “bored” again.

Real talk, having a dream is a big deal. And unfortunately, I’ve witnessed, rarely anyone has one to begin with. They’re either more dead than the cheap skeleton I bought for Halloween or believe they have a dream, but in reality, it belongs to mom, dad, or Uncle Sammy. Listen, doing something for someone you love (my Uncle Sammy used to supply me with cold cash whenever he came around, loved that guy) is great! YET, if you’re willing to throw away your life to fulfill others’ expectations, convincing yourself it's because they love you, even when YOUR lonely heart craves bigger things than just a marketing job, then you, my friend? Are the biggest fool. Don’t get offended, we both know it, this girl needn't ramble.

Recently, my relatives were over (nope, sadly not Uncle Sammy) and my cousin and I had a chat about life (correct, I grab every opportunity to do so). It wasn't very exciting I must say, he kept staring off into the distance (I wonder why), but what he SAID is what I'll talk about. After I’d gushed about my dreams, he asked skeptically if being an influencer would still be an ambition two years from now when I graduate. I raised my eyebrows, mock hurt, like eff you son, I ain’t giving up on my dreams! But that question got me thinking.

Life is wild. Unpredictable. An unexpected call, a single person, a random BLOG POST (cough) – can turn your life upside down, sometimes in the affirmative, other times not. This variability of life isn’t uncommon, and everyone experiences some part of it– unpaid student loans, failing startups, talent and art going unnoticed in industries dominated by wealth and connections, you name it. If all of that doesn’t make you run for the Himalayas and abandon any dreams, throw in a quick side dish of dysfunctionale famiglia with a sprinkle of self-image issues.

It ain’t easy, darling. The world is one cruel headmistress; it loves slapping awake the daydreamers and wishful thinkers. That hasn't ever actually stopped the dropouts and class clowns from building castles in the air though. And the common blueprint you notice they follow? Let me introduce you to… Madness. Obsession. Maniacal obsession, to say. (Yes, I'm done playing with my words.)

I struggled writing this point. A pestering voice in my head kept mumbling – They'll go back to doing the same sad shit anyway. Um, does anyone even read your posts? Lol, call yourself an influencer, hun. Hesitation started creeping in. Then the irony of the situation struck me. I laughed, shook my head and got back to typing.

We ran out of juicy gossip weeks ago, so here’s your tea served cold: insecurities and self doubt WILL get in the way. That whiny voice was just a mild version of what you face when you go all in. Fear traps you in its cage, and those who prattled behind your back now progress to talking shit in your face. Criticism and self doubt resurfaces, so unless your defenses are strong, you'll be crushed. Destroyed REAL quick.

When hell breaks loose (oh honey, and it WILL), your self defense comprising of maniacal obsession must be well learnt. Let them attack, mock, heck, drag you away from the desk and hurl you at the top of a damn mountain, but you better STILL hike back down, show them the middle finger, and continue working. That's how bulletproof you've gotta be. That's how madly do you have to love your dreams. And if you really think this will be a cake walk or want to continue complaining about Stuart being born with a silver spoon, hop off the train already. Your destination isn't on the tour list.

Look, my dreams terrify me. But they certainly make me feel more alive than complying with what every parent said about getting good grades and holding together a roof on my head. My ambitions set me free, give me a reason to fucking live. And yet, every now and then, something makes me question them. A fear engulfs me, some doubter proclaims I suck, someone I love is so blinded they can't see my vision. And that's okay. My defenses are way stronger. The next day rolls round, and you'll find me hustling again, thriving again. All because I know that even if no one reads my posts (the worst case scenario, I know y'all love me lol), someday in the future, someone will. I know that even if I’m not an influencer yet, if just one reader becomes a conqueror because of my words, it would be a win. A big win. I'd have done my job. All because I’m wildly, yes maniacally, obsessed with my dreams.

So hey, cousin? This influencer thing? This will be my dream long after I've graduated. Till the day I die, and maybe even then I'll rise from my grave to give a dead pal a lively pep talk. My watchtower has just been upgraded, so thank u, next.

Takeaway:

“General, we've arrived!” Finally! Position those cannons, Martha, let’s talk them through the defenses. All aboard? AHOY MATEY! (wait, that was one for the pirates). Step one, dare to create a dream in your mind’s eye. The bigger, the crazier, and the scarier, the better. Doesn’t matter how impossible it is, don’t care how many voice their opinion against it, just imagine, keep a million possibilities in mind.

Once you see the life you truly want (you’ll know, everything will seem to zing)— have a sip. Become OBSESSED for that life. Thirst after that vision, itch to manifest it, and pine for the satisfaction that’ll come to your soul once it’s made a reality. Fall madly in love with the process and how magical it feel when you do it. And THEN, bellow a loud war cry and charge headfirst into battle, shields held high at all the criticisms. We conquerors never cared much for them anyway.

(play ♬) Picture this: forehead stamped with beads of sweat. Calloused hands working their fingers to the bone and eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration. Conjure an image where powerful beats are pulsing hard in your ears, synced with your own elevated heartbeats, and you’re thriving. Performing. Winning. Guess the secret to that? Preparation. Champions prepare. You can’t throw anything to the winds or rely on ‘luck’ or chance to conquer.

Tough days are in everyone’s calendar, be it your extra cheerful neighbor, Sally, or lone wolf classmate, Derrick. We’ve all found ourselves sulking over an awful situation, scooping into mint ice cream to forget mistakes, errands, and ghosting exes. Yet guess what? The solution isn’t the proclaimed “be positive!” or “It all happens for a reason, don’t you worry” - the key is coming up with a method to dodge the discouraging effect these hiccups have on us.

So every bad day, I bring out a mason jar containing a knot of chits and one secret letter which is, on most days, kept hidden on the top shelf of my cupboard. I make myself comfortable on the bed, read all my bits of paper carefully, including the letter addressed to yours truly, close my eyes, and mentally fight back whatever’s bringing me down.

A short while later, I get up, now a warrior, and go slay the rest of the day like it was my last one on this planet. That jar is my jar. A Conqueror’s jar. One look at those powerful reminders, and I’m grounded once again, the beast within me now unleashed to kill.

Takeaway:

Honey, go get yourself a jar. Along with some papyrus and ink. Then start jotting down. Document past victories, future visions, fears that mean zilch to the person you’re about to become, batty goals you’ve still gotta chase, reminders that the majority will never understand what it is you’re tryna do here, and how that’s perfectly alright 'cause you'll find your conquerors, your squad one day. Create your victory jar. And then go knock ‘em down dead. Bad days stand no chance against you. You’re a winner, a fucking rebel. Go take what’s yours.

Y’know, I’m perfectly aware that many muggles reading this will whine that dealing with depression ain’t no piece o’ pie and it’s hella hard to get up and take the crown when you feel like a pile of dino dung.

Stop it. Get some help. (See what I did? Like Michael- ok ok, calm thyself.) For real though, and I’m tired of repeating this with my kitten stamped microphone (but I’ll keep at it ‘cause it’s that significant) – whining is WORTHLESS. It saps up precious energy that could be used to make life a scrumptious smoothie. (Loothie? As in life + smoothie? Right, yes, I’m shutting up.)

And even THEN, we find denizens complaining about slow WiFis and thin crust pizzas and how the market’s down and the government’s incompetent. Because blabbering makes us feel important. Heard. But keeping yo’ trap shut and actually doing stuff? Hustling for your dreams when nobody’s watching? Actually walking the talk? C’mon, Emma, don't be naive, ain’t nobody getting recognition for that.

Trust me, I get it. The world is yet to become a feminist, turns out your boyfriend was cheating on you while you were looking up wedding dresses, mommy’s a drunk loser, and idiots are being voted into office. It’s a lot to handle. But thanks to our immense and ever increasing population (we folks really love our rumpy pumpy, can you tell) — there will surely be one chum, facing exactly the same misfortunes as you, but still turning up at every party and bulk-spamming his friends with puppy pictures while you sit and wail. (One Moaning Myrtle is enough, thank you very much.)

Look, I’m not undermining your worries or obstacles. I’m only reminding that you have the marvelous choice of positivity. To CHOOSE hope and a better future when others won't. To FIND (and it's always possible) something to look forward to even when the to-do’s a big snore. To KNOW, deep inside, that you're a magnificent conqueror, no matter what mess you’re in at the moment, and that the world dances to your rhythm. Realise that it's up to you to let yourself be happy. At any moment, you have the very say-so to get up and start rocking. Dumbledore said it himself, “It is our choices, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” So choose better, and you’ll unconsciously do better as well. And yes, that being said, this is the last HP reference, don't fret. Be positive instead. (Edit: Ha, look at these quips, the girl's all grown up now.)

Takeaway:

Your new occupation is to be a sunflower. If you think back, you'll probably recall Miss Honey rattling on about phototropic movement in AP biology. No? Me neither. Point is, sunflowers always face the sun. Put them ANYWHERE, hide them in the dungeons, throw them in a trash bag and shoot it off to the moon, they’ll still turn around and face the sun. No matter what. And taking inspo from that, you too can stop scripting creative soliloquies for being depressed. Happiness is YOUR right, YOUR priority, don't let anyone take it away from you or diminish its importance. DON’T let sadness ruin your vibe, do what you've gotta do to protect yourself. Track happiness in yo’ journal, set 84 reminders on your phone, and tattoo “Long as you’re beaming up at the sun, all the shadows will be left behind” on your boobs. Do whatever, just don’t turn the corners of your mouth down. You’re so pretty this way.

The other day, I was doing the deathly Plié Alternative Heel Lifts (these names, I swear) and my legs felt dead. Gone. Put to sleep like the Wicked Witch of the East. Now obviously, the timer wasn’t not even halfway done yet, but my cheeks were already flushing red like dear Santa, and NOT because I was high on choco chip cookies. I sighed, and at that point, I was so over giving up. All this while, I’d been whining and protesting because my muscles felt sore, but in that moment, I made up my mind. I bit my lip and kept going. On and on. Keep pulsing, you got it, don't stop, was the mantra I kept chanting.

Won’t sugarcoat it, I honestly hadn’t died this much since that time Miss Honey buried me alive with trig assignments. My legs were now basically Play-doh and I was shaking, fighting for balance. A few seconds in though, something crazy happened. My legs went numb. My grumbling mind quietened and the pain vanished. That evening, I had the upper hand, not my physical perceptions of myself. I was powerful. Flawless. (Hey Santa, do you even lift bro?) Real talk, I was in the Zone, bitches.

I’m not sure if that was the result of excessive pain or because Wonder Woman’s spirit possessed ma bod, but staying loyal to my love for metaphors, I’ll use the experience to explain what I’m tryna get at here.

Look, here’s the real deal — if all of the greats gave up the second things got frowny, we probably would have no one to worship. Nix role models, nix inspirations, none to stalk on Insta - we’d all be bumbling about like Sad from the even sadder Emoji movie (no shade, emojis be lit).

And that'd be very sad (pun definitely intended). Hence, cue some tangible ways to boosting your grit, so that you can be your own superhero:

1) Get yo’self a goddamn motto,

2) Know your “Why,”

3) Repeat the cycle till it’s in your blood. Btw, Shawn, if you here, I’m still a single pringl—HEY PAL I SEE YOU, DON'T SCROLL.

Seriously, don't brush these prime steps aside. We're always going for the advanced modes, and deeming these basic levels a waste of time. Well guess what, compadre, YOUR LIFE IS A GODDAMN WASTE O’ TIME IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR BASICS RIGHT. Excuse my outburst, but listen. You can’t do a hundred bicep curls on your first workout if you haven't lifted anything more than a crisps packet. Likewise, if you simply jump into Life one day, and decide “ok, here it is, 12 habits to build, sleep schedule to fix, man to ask out, let's go,” you ain't getting nowhere, chum. Start small. Take baby steps. It's clearly not as fun (definitely negates the bragging on Facebook part of it) but it'll stick. You’ll create a consistency that not even Grandma's cake batter can achieve.

1. Talking mottos — For context, a motto that I always mutter (my mom thinks I'm cursing, oh what a bad child) every time I spill milk while making coffee is “Do more. Give more. BE more.” Not only does it help me stay right on track for the rest of the day but it helps me clean up my mess, figuratively and otherwise, or I’d just be sitting in a puddle of spilt milk, cursing adulting for real this time and with more laundry to do.

2. Why you need the Big Why — Owning up, I’m guilty of attempting to learn Welsh for less than 48 hours because I hadn't a single reason to speak the language. A similar thing happened with half of my 2018 resolutions, which had a bunch of rubbish like “Floss daily”, something my eyes got trained to skip because, um, who the hell flosses every day?

Lame humor aside, I still workout almost daily because I have my Why straight. 1) I want to feel good about my body and get closer to the confident badass I envision my future self to be, 2) I simply HAVE to sustain my health to live to build my legacy and fulfill my dreams of opening a bakery at 90 and 3) Because I’m an influencer, and want to walk my talk and be the inspiration people need. Those are the reasons as to why I turn up to my yoga mat everyday, shut my jabbering mind, and keep on pulsing. This “Why” strategy applies to everything. Wanna get outta depression? Why? Wanna lose 20 pounds? Why? Wanna listen to your dentist’s desperate pleadings and floss already? WHY EH? Unless you know your intentions, you’ll give up at the first chance you get to not act on your goals. And watch out, because there'll be a LOT of those.

For me, leaving a legacy behind means more than having a slice of cake or missing a workout because there’s a fun movie playing. Find what's important to YOU, make it your why, and go marry your goals.

3. And then, Repeat — Bear in mind, if you're not living your best life yet, there are NO weekends. NO work-shy days. No weak days, no pick-me-up days, no eat-candy-do-nothing days. Everyday is a damn Monday. EVERYDAY is life or death. Every holy day you wake up is a chance to push your limits, challenge your mindset, and see how far you can go. And every 24 hours, when the cycle starts again, it’s your mission to race to build a stronger, wiser and crazier you.

And who knows, perhaps one day, you and I will just be casually sipping tea in our dream home, laughing at how the milk is still being spilt but knowing, proudly, fiercely, that we’ve come so far, even though there’s still more left to do, more to give and so much more to be.

Takeaway:

Quit quitting. You're, guaranteed, 20x stronger than you think. I doubted I could go through with the workout, it seemed beyond my present physical capabilities. But I did, because I treated it as life or death. Understand this, the second you start making excuses, for being depressed, for taking an unnecessary day off - you give away your power. You are a very powerful being. You're limitless, capable of everything.

I'm not throwing these words around to make you feel cute, I actually mean AND believe them. There’s so much that's been done already— the iconic four minute mile by Roger Bannister, invention of the light bulb, cars, toothpaste and other junk, people who lost both legs and climbed Mt. Everest, we sent a man to moon in frickin’ 1969 (50 YEARS ago), some ran a 26 mile marathon with zero training, love and hope is still strong in this world, oh let's also add coffee and motivational music— and YOU think you can't finish a workout or get outta depression or meet your idols or marry the man of your dreams or become the artist you wanna be? Ridiculous. Don't give away your power that easily, this ain't no charity shop.

(play ♬) Having personally dealt with unwelcome yet familiar feelings of emptiness quite often, I’ve now reached a point where each bad day is simply a reminder of how long my journey ahead is, and just how badly I want to reach my destination.

We finally near the end of this novel of a post (thanks for sticking around, bud), and my best advice would be this: Rather than wallowing in self pity and throwing one-man parties because your life is so awfully dreadful, know that even when life throws you to the floor, long as you can look up, long as you can read an entire book about defeating depression (cough)– you can GET UP too. Let those emotions of sorrow and frustration blaze up into a roaring, crackling fire that doesn’t consume you, but instead, urges you, fuels you.

Lately, no matter how much shit I go through, how many arguments I tumble into, or how barren my dreams look sometimes, I don’t break down. And no, it wasn't always like this. I never even had aspirations to name two years ago. Six months back, it had become a night routine to cry. Not anymore.

Now, every setback and every failure only pushes me to be stronger and give more than I ever gave. The day I made the decision to Conquer (truly, madly, deeply, with all of my heart) was also the day I said a big, loud ‘fuck you’ to every resistance that was to cross my path. I had finally understood that life was nothing but a battle of WILLS, that it was all in or nothing, and I made up my mind once and for all to NEVER give in to depression, or to society, or to anyone who tells me I cannot make it.

I had conquered depression. There was no looking back now.

Takeaway:

Here’s something no one will tell you: the key to bringing depression to its knees is seeing it positively. Pretend that it's a friend continuously sending strong, aggressive signals urging you to be happy. And what do you do when a caring friend throws some holy light? You listen, push past your ego, and follow accordingly.

And if that parallel seems unconvincing, here's another one (sup, DJ Khaled. This post is turning musical, sorry): it's scared of you. Depression is scared shit of you. Y'know how bullies are, right? Majorly insecure, self-loathing too perhaps, hardly fans of self love, and always trying to numb all that subconscious pain by inflicting pain on others. Depression has the same instruction manual. Your fears and doubts are your (pathetic) bullies, and depression is the big ol’ crony who does the dirty work for 'em.

Whenever you decide shit this is it, I'm going for it, they go paranoid and try stopping you because they've seen no better. And if they succeed, BOOM, you're depressed, paralyzed, your qualms reigning over you again. Don't let them in. I'll say it a thousand times if I gotta because I want (HAVE) to see you conquer – you're so much stronger than you think you are. You can do so much more than you think. It's all in your head! Don't just sit there, click away, and go back to living a sad life. You’re better than that. DO better than that. You’re meant to freaking CONQUER, straight-up dominate, my pal. Pay heed to that voice craving freedom. You got this. And you better know it.

One thing’s fixed like the (beloved by all) proportionality constants in Physics, you will come across depressing mornings and sluggish evenings even in the future. I assure you. Lots o’ bad hair days in the calendar, sis. But here's what you’ll do: you'll deactivate the miserable thoughts, keep a cool head, remind yourself that this is yet another test (better, rap your new mantra) and USE that hurt, pain, and anger to create a fervor and passion that wreaks havoc on its obstacles and drives you to accomplish EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to do. The easy choice would be to just give up, bellyache about the situation, and want sympathy for your worries. Yet, what you'll never do is… exactly that.

Rule 1) NEVER give up. Stand your ground. Have faith in your strength. Know that you'll have your way soon enough anyway. Rule 2) NEVER complain. All it does is drain your energy, that precious fire you could to high jump your way into the clouds. Makes you a pathetic wimp too, definitely not something you want on a warrior’s resume. Lastly, Rule 3) NEVER seek validation. From anyone. It sure feels nice to be acknowledged and encouraged, but grasp this— this is your journey. YOUR life and YOUR vision. Validation won't get you anywhere, for there'll never be enough of it.

Cuz Marty, if you're tryna bring something new, different, and authentic into this world – you'll most likely be hated on badly, before you'll be loved madly (hi, me a rapper). Learn to invite hate instead—IMPORTANT: hate from others, not yourself. Sounds counterintuitive, but this is the real tea: hate is good. It means you're standing up for something, refusing to fit like a puzzle piece in society, and being UNAPOLOGETICALLY yourself. And it’s certainly a sign that you’re on the right path if you can ignore that hate and stick your tongue out at it.

Yet another reason to never seek validation is simply this: you have to fight for yourself. In order to meet your own expectations, reach the doorstep of the best version of you, and transform this world, you'll have to go wildly IN. Toil and hammer away. Shut out all the haters and non-believers, listening only to your gut. Importantly, learn to accept the rejection slips, validating yourself not with what Molly says about it being okay, but with the reminder that your time is coming soon. Depend on yourself. Validation will NEVER be enough.

I get it, it's a lot of homework, but perhaps you already realize that it’s THIS work that'll change your life forever. Not “how to not procrastinate, Jesus take the wheel” or “HELLO, life's a mess so here are ten things to do (you won't believe number four!)”. Clickbaits don't work, stop believing that a fancy planner is going to be your savior. There is no rule to making your life a masterpiece. You'll have to get to know yourself and your dreams (journaling, meditation, silent pondering), build the work ethics and the mentality needed (lots of work in this one, yet no strict framework to go about it) and GET GOING.

AND with that firework, I'll begin to slip away now. Again, I won’t say it’s easy, that’s cock and bull. Life’s no fairytale. You will never feel ready to start bringing your dreams to fruition. But, my darling (I’m being so nice yo, follow me), you must. You must force yourself to work for the future you want till it becomes a habit, an obsession. The world badly needs heroes; confident people who can stand for themselves so that others can stare at first, maybe even hate a little, but then follow because they seem unstoppable and are, truthfully, having the most fun at life. YOU'RE one of them. No validation, just plain facts.

You see, conquering is a LOT of blood and sweat (K-pop, anyone? BTS? Lmao, this is me tryna clickbait y'all to read). Even getting up will seem huge when you're just starting out, and this is one long road, dear pal. Still then, I have enough faith in you to hope you don't give into your fears, I hope you willingly chase discomfort, and I hope you find the courage to do all that you want to do, while that heart's still beating.

I hope you conquer. I'll do too, and I'd really like to see some familiar faces during the ride.

Peace, amigo.

A loud ass A/N: And now, we come the most important part of this post. WAKE UP Luke, stop snoring, and take some notes. Remember kids, I won't accept anything but an A.

If you couldn’t identify yourself throughout this post and currently are scoffing like um woman, that's not really why I'm depressed, hang in there a sec. Yes, you can stop singing It Ain’t Me now. You've a very nice voice by the way.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't have enough exposure to know why so many earthlings are depressed today. HOWEVER, by talking to many, following their stories, watching and reading stuff – I do know with firm conviction that a majority suffers from severe unfulfillment. Don't believe me? A study shows 85% of the working class worldwide hate their jobs. Do you realize what that actually means? EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT of the THREE BILLION PEOPLE employed today, hate being employed in the first place! They do it for prime survival, to sustain themselves. And that's just jobs. I won't scare you, but 50% (yes, HALF, you heard that right) of students HATE going to school. Kids waste SEVEN hours of their life every day going somewhere they dislike, doing something they hate. Who's singing now?

People find themselves trapped in golden handcuffs, taking the paycheck despite the passionless job. They push aside the art and business they love, to become a slave of good ol’ cash. Several surround themselves with negativity and get frustrated when unable to escape the choking (no, not THAT kind again, hello someone pour holy water over this post) atmosphere. An innumerable are forced into taking up courses that they don't care about under parental pressure. The reasons are endless, and I don't think I'll amuse myself listing all the sad excuses.

This has always been the story. Hundreds of influencers have preached the same words I’m tryna put into your head here and you’ll yourself say you’ve heard this a million times. YET, you’re dissatisfied. YET, you feel like crap everyday, feeding yourself the same lie that the next day will be better, that you’ll get up tomorrow– while you let life beat the shit out of you.

That’s why, all of my words, everything you’ve read today - all of that boils down to just one single question. A difficult but necessary choice. Will you let this happen to YOU? Will you, seriously, even after this wild ride together, go back to doing nothing and being nothing? Will you, for real, continue deceiving yourself, sacrifice your happiness for the sake of pleasing everyone else, and remain a statistic on a website?

(play ♬) If you’re not sure of your answer, read: Look, making you feel guilty is not my intention, because that’s not how this works. I need you to understand instead. Guilt wears off, it’s only understanding that brings about change. So, just for old times’ sake, I’ll rant a bit more (ik, just can’t seem to leave y’all).

You’re so, so young right now. More than half of your life is yet to be experienced. None of this probably makes much impact right now but it will the day you die. Remember, on your deathbed, you won't EVER look back and say, “Damn, wish I'd spent more time at the office. Saved up just one more dollar. Could’ve got that promotion before Amy.” Nay, it won’t even be on the calendar. That day, one foot in the grave, you'll reflect and wonder why the heck you didn’t let yourself be happier. Why you took up that lacklustre, soul-sucking architect job when all you've ever wanted to do is keep laughing. Why you didn't ask your crush out, why you were so afraid to walk up to that audition, because dammit, you could’ve been running your own comedy show by now. Why you dragged around a karaoke machine all this time instead of singing your own song. Why you couldn’t love yourself. Why you submitted. Why.

And the moment you realize that you hadn't lived a life for you, you’ll be crushed. Broken. The arthritis in your grannie joints won't even compare and neither will the mild dissatisfaction you’re feeling right now. Those whys will haunt you, they'll terrorize you, break you. It'll hurt tremendously to know that there isn't a single thing in your long life that you could call completely your own.

With every death today so many dreams are left unachieved, crazy things left unchecked on the bucket list, and unique potential left unexpressed.

DON'T let that be you. Please. I'm still a mess myself, struggling to reach class on time and studying subjects that aren't exactly fun, when all I want to do is create content (read: fireworks) that is at a level of insanity, influence folks to do better, hold crazy world tours and meet-and-greets to give hugs, and get an adorable puppy so I can create a dogstagram (yes, I'm that mom). Sure, I could declare it's too hard, hang onto small-minded and negative people who whine endlessly, and follow the crowd, getting lost in it, with ease.

But I won’t because I can’t take the burden of those regrets. That painful unrest and discontent that nothing could cure, not drugs, alcohol, buddies, not even true love. For then I’d be just another drone, my controller in the hands of society, forcing me to see the world through its eyes. I can’t give in because I’m scared, terrified even, of wasting away this one life doing the bidding of others- folks who won't even notice when I’m gone.

It’s easy to be depressed and crib your entire life. It’s easy to think you’re worthless and that trying is pointless since nothing ever goes your way.

But perhaps, if you rise, if you simply DECIDE to have the audacity to fight for what you believe in, if you work and focus on becoming better, things will go your way. Life will bend to you, in awe, at your incredible relentlessness. Life will take one look at you, wonder who the fuck is this person? How the fuck are they so incapable of giving up? And back right away. And then perhaps, life will be such a blast for you that depression would become the past you never had.

I know you can get there, conqueror. It’s time you knew it too.

🌚🌝 Further reading? 🌝🌚

Last Post :— How To Get Back Into The Creative Process – For you, if you're in a creative rut. Get outta it and go create magic!

5 Reasons Why You're Unhappy — To help you identify & cut out CURRENT sources of sadness so that you can spice up yo’ life with some happiness instead. Definitely recommend reading AND implementing.

The Bubble Trap & How To Get Out Of It — One of my classics. Everyone is in one of these 'bubbles’ till they consciously do something about it; that's just how it is. Are you still in one? (Someone teach me marketing, lmao.)

The 5 Biggest Regrets of The Dying (from Greatist) — I LOVED reading this. Pretty much all you need to cut the crap and do meaningful stuff. Read it, memorize it, work it.

++ Want to request a blog post? Leave your request in my ask box! I'll get back to you with a reply, along with the average time I'll need to birth that magical idea.

Thanks for dropping by! It was a pleasure to have you around. If you wish to stick for a bit, I'd suggest picking one of the related posts mentioned above.

If you wanna check out my blog, here's a little something about me (y'all know I love the attention). What do I write about? Three arenas I dominate, Work, Lifestyle and Life, they are, my mate! Take your pick!

I post new blog posts bi-weekly, and my wins, & journal entries throughout the week, so follow me if you're into conquering life, leaving a legacy and being the baddest badass you can possibly be. I'll be your side pal, cheering you along.✨

And that was it, it's a wrap! Martha, shut the cams, Henry, pause the audio, and Nandita, I know you're pretending to be deaf, but Mom's yelling something about doing the dishes. Better skip along.

And you, fellow conqueror? Keep slaying life, doing the work and making it count. I hope you're well, stay strong and go conquer life. ✧

I'm sending you so much love, see you soon.

— Nandini 💌 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

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ineedrelationshipadvice · 4 years

Text

Does she like me or am I reading too much into it?

So I’m a 21 year old lesbian and I’ve basically been in love with my best friend (let’s call her Q) for like four or five years now and I have taken great pains to ensure that she never ever finds out. I just never wanted to put our friendship at risk (among other reasons)

I took her out to a bar recently (so she could rant about this girl who basically broke her heart) and the alcohol made us both recklessly honest. Told her that I almost asked her out in High School on several occasions. Learned that she would have said yes if I asked her out at that time AND that she was super jealous of most of my female friends. We had this period in the conversation where we were just complimenting each other on how attractive the other was and I thought we were flirting, but then Q hit me with a, “But I would NEVER date you NOW. Its not like that anymore.” And I had to backtrack a little like, “haha yea….same.”

Now the thing that’s confusing me is that…she crashed at my place that night and was like, “Why are you sleeping on the floor? Sleep in the bed with me?” as if that’s something we normally do?? (and no, I did not crawl into bed with her. My ass stayed on the FLOOR) And ever since that night, we have been texting and calling waaay more often than we did before. She sends me a message basically every night asking how my day was, and not even my ex did that when we were together!! Its making me feel so many things and I cant tell if:

1. She’s clinging to me right now because I’m the only other person on the planet earth that knows she’s getting her heart broken by this girl and she really needs my support as a friend

2. She’s on the rebound from the aforementioned heartbreak

3. IM the one reading too much into it because I just want her to like me so so much

4. She likes me and I like her and we’re both being enormous idiots

This is all very low stakes and melodramatic but its been taking up most of my thoughts recently. My question is basically, what do you think is happening on her end and how should I proceed? Thank you <3

___________

It's hard to say what exactly may be going on here with your situation. I would imagine it's some sort of situation in between the various examples that you have provided here. Is she clinging to her best friend due to heartbreak? Seems likely, especially when y'all are getting drunk and being heartfelt to each other. No shame in that.

Is she on a rebound? It's POSSIBLE. You know her better than I do. Is she the sort of person to rebound off people? The vibe I'm getting off you is not necessarily, but it's not out of the realm of possibility. I generally advise against assuming people are just rebounding, but I'm also a slightly gullible person, so take what I say right here with regards to this particular issue with a grain of salt and as an opinion rather than advice.

Beyond that singular issue, are you reading into this? Almost DEFINITELY. You're invested, you love this person, so you're going to nitpick whether you want to or not. You're biased. That's not a bad thing; just be aware that you're biased so that you don't spin yourself around in circles by accident looking at all the details in favour of the bigger picture. This also applies to whether or not she likes you.

I can't tell you what's going on in her position, as I'm no mind-reader. But from our perspective, here looking at her actions, I would say that you're pretty free to experiment here! You're great friends with her, and you know the stakes. You also know that in her drunken, vulnerable state, that she said she wouldn't date you. That's an important note! But perhaps she was just being drunk or shy. There's no real way to know, because again, we lack awesome mind-reading abilities. It's also possible that she just doesn't see you as an option now. She could be saying, "I would do that now!" assuming you have your own romantic things going on, or that you couldn't possibly like her that way anymore, or that she's just completely oblivious. We have no way to confirm or deny anything with those regards. But we do know that she did say, veritably, that she wouldn't date you. Just bear that to mind.

Okay, but what about all this vaguely romantic behaviour from her? Well, it definitely SEEMS vaguely romantic. Again, maybe you just have a really good rapport, and she's comfortable doing all this stuff. Maybe she also feels happy that you took care of her while she wasn't in a fantastic state, and she's treating you like a romantic partner because it's helping her cope with the break-up. Remember, not too long ago, she was likely doing this exact same thing with her now ex. Maybe you're just filling a void.

What do? You really have two options: continue as normal or ask her out. If you're happy with this status quo, and there's no shame in that, then just be a great friend with her and change nothing. Yeah, you might always pine for this girl. But at the end of the day, if you don't want to risk the friendship and are happy with things how they are, you can let her do her own thing and just have a great time as a bestie.

However, if you think the risk is worth the reward, you can approach her again! This time, do it while not drunk, ideally in person. You can even reference the exact moment she said she wouldn't date you. "Hey, remember what we were talking about when we were drunk? I was curious how seriously you meant that, because I definitely do have some feelings for you." If she says she was serious, and she wouldn't date you, just let her know you got confused and didn't mean to make things awkward, and you can move on! And hey, if she's willing to consider the option legitimately and soberly, well that only works in both of your favours!

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uncontrollablyme · 6 years

Text

The night I wanted to say no.

***Writers note/trigger warning: After reading this back to myself, proof-reading, I want to warn you that this isn't for the weak. It is a difficult topic and hard to read. I wanted to warn you.***

I hadn't ever really dated as an adult. I was in relationships for the 14 years post high school. One of those almost killed me. I didn't use substances and barely drank. So once I was free, my drug of choice was going out, and my favorite high was occasionally bedding men. I have to laugh for a second because I have no clue why I used the word 'bedding', I mean is that said anymore? What is the alternative, occasionally sluttin it up? Cringe, not my proudest times, but in comparison to the wild 20's most of my friends had while I was settled and had a baby, it could've been worse. It was the closest I could get to feeling, well anything at all. While I was emotionally disabled, it was some sort of connection, a use-use situation if you will. Now it was not too crazy, like I said, earmuffs for mom and dad anyway, but for anyone who likes to judge, here is one that will make it easy, and then I hope you feel like a real asshole for it. #nojudgementzone

Anywho, back to my story. I suppose I was out of my old life for about a year when I started going out. The attention was a welcomed change and hearing that I was attractive to someone, whether it was a pickup line or not, took some getting used to. I was so accustomed to being degraded and belittled, it was almost difficult to even accept a compliment at first. But I did enjoy it, of course, I mean who doesn't?!

So there I was, frequenting a popular dance spot at the time, a regular Saturday night, having a blast. I was completely naive to drugs, and date rape, the only sexual violence I encountered was in my relationship, and at the time, I thought I had no say because we were in a relationship. (sadly) So this attractive guy comes up and dances with me and we have a blast! We end up hanging out the majority of the night and then exchange numbers. No, this is not a one-night-stand story, he actually wanted to take me out on a date. Something I had not done, like ever, in a dating type situation. The previous relationships just kind of were, there was no "dating phase" just a jump right in kinda thing. So he calls the next morning and asks me to an early dinner. We meet at a local spot and again, enjoy each others company. He was super charismatic and funny, not to mention good looking!!

He tells me how much fun he is having and how he doesn't want the night to end, but he knows it's a Sunday and I have to pick up my son, (sweet of him to care) but would I like to go to his place, "just around the corner" and watch a movie. I had no idea what I was getting myself in to and had zero reasons to think he wanted to cause me harm. I also loved the positive attention and desperately missed the company in a dating setting. So, I agreed. We could hang out some more and I would still be in time to pick up my son. And, this guy was really awesome, and into me! Duh, of course, I will.

So we drive separately to his house, and we walk in, movie ready. But wait, his roommate is there, watching TV, "we can just watch it in my room, follow me" as he grabbed my hand. No introduction to the roommate, a rather large man, who just looked me up and down. I felt this uneasiness and once we got into his room, I knew I was in trouble. He locked the door behind me, and said to have a seat... looking behind me, the only "seat" was the bed. I uneasily sat on the edge and tried to calm myself. He was actually putting the movie in and grabbing me a bottle of water out of the mini fridge... this was fine, right?!

Not twenty minutes into the movie, things were not fine. He began getting closer and leaned in to kiss me. I pulled back and put my hand up to his chest to stop the advance "I thought we were just going to watch a movie" I said. He laughed, "Well I have got you here now, don't I?" And he came in again, more forcefully. Let me tell you about split-second reactions... it is like trying to make a decision, within seconds, on hyperdrive. Reaction. Everything in me said "fight! run!" but there was an awareness to the situation instantly, retreating back to the abusive relationship knowing that every time I fought back I lost way worse than I ever did just taking it. Just take it. And so I did. I enabled the third F often forgotten in flight or fight, I froze. I decided not to scream for help because what if the roommate was in on it? I didn't fight because the force of him on me was already so oppressive that I could barely breathe. I didn't have a weapon or my phone (he courteously took my bag for me at the door). I decided to concede. In a flash, imagining not getting to my baby because I was in a hospital, or worse, made me take a back seat in my own body.

I had become a pro at separating body from mind and feeling, over the years of abuse. I knew how to detach from this because I had been with men unemotionally. And there was a tremendous weight, a guilt almost… no definitely, from social experience, like I deserved what I was getting. You know, I went to his house after all. I even drove there. And I went into his room, willingly. And maybe I looked cute so I must have been asking for it. I had recently been out with different guys, so I must have wanted this. As if simply being around another human, meant I was signing up to be raped. The idea that I had voluntarily gone there, I didn't fight him, meant I couldn't even call it a violation. Split seconds.

And then, just numbness.

I know it was extremely rough and volatile because I was a wreck down there for weeks. I know it lasted for around a half hour or more because by the time he was done the movie was still on, but near the end. Scared to move, he said with a smile, "Do you know your way out, or need me to walk you to your car?" Like all of this was commonplace for him. As if he wanted to seem as though he was a gentleman and wanted to make sure I got out okay, after obliterating my body. What is happening to me? I gathered my clothes, limped to the door grabbing my bag and clutching it to me, exited as quickly as I could. The roommate mumbled something, but I just made myself focus on the door and getting out. Completely overwhelmed I made it to my car, I dropped all of my belongings in the passenger seat and sat there staring at it all, knowing in mere minutes my baby would be getting in the car and I had to pull myself together. Don't cry. Don't feel anything. I swallowed everything that had just happened, I decided to never tell anyone and to bury everything about the last 24 hours. To forget his face and where I was, compartmentalize it all.

Easier said than done because even sitting was painful. Going to the bathroom was excruciating. I winced during every shower and prayed that the condom he used worked as I awaited test results. To put it in perspective, I went through 15 hours of labor before having a 9 pound 6 oz baby, and I had been sexually assaulted before.... this was different. Maybe because the mental anguish I tried to bury only compounded the past abuse, maybe just the sheer violence I had endured. Probably both.

I can't tell you what he looks like. I can't tell you where he lived, outside of a general area. I remember the smell of his comforter, oddly. I remember the force in which he assaulted me, and the pain I felt as soon as he was done and I got away, that lasted for weeks. I remember throwing my phone across the room when I saw his number come up on my phone 3 days later. I remember thinking that people would say it was my fault. And until last Saturday night, I never told this story in detail, to anyone, let alone the world. But after I spoke about it Saturday, as with most other topics, I share because I can. I am sick to my stomach and a little achy all over from the intensity of the suppressed memory, but I can share, so I am compelled to.

My hope is that it reaches someone that needs to know they are not alone. That they know that no matter what anyone says or thinks, it is not their fault. I don't care if you are naked and drunk, high and all alone with your ass up in the air, none of that makes another person violating you acceptable. Sexual violence is a horrible experience, whether in a relationship or in the clutch of a stranger. No one "asks for it", and the notion that it is deserved is disgusting. It's like saying the person who got their face chewed off by a bath salts eater shouldn't have looked so scrumptious. Disgusting. Seriously.

So if it is you, hear my words above. If it's someone you know, share it. If it is for a movement, count me in. There is help available.

It is never okay to cause harm to another human, with negative intent. Not ever.

Sending out some love y'all

#rape #assault #no means no #date rape #abuse #survival #resiliency #share your story #hope #help is available #consent

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