#and i wonder why i still struggle to trust that my partners dad is genuinely a lovely man 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

papers4me · 3 years

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Fruits Basket Manga Review, ch (92-93)

That was painful & so well-written! This analysis will focus on kyokyo mainly & faintly on her effect on kyo. Although, her story affects tohru’s life immensely, I won’t analyze tohru’s part & will wait until it’s a tohru’s chapter to use the knowledge of kyoko’s past to better read tohru’s mind & understand her decisions! Can’t wait! after all, that’s why I’ve read the manga to begin with!

-Kyoko’s Atonement: (the weight of words):

Kyoko breaks down after she learns she’s expecting. Why? cuz she hurt her mom. The notion that “yeah my parents caused me emotional trauma & so I’mma hurt them as well” is toxic & burdening as it starts a cycle of pain. Kyoko was right. She had no idea how her mom felt seeing her rebel, or follow violence or hear her harsh words. I’m not cleansing the mom from guilt nor responsibility. I’m just saying since the mom’s pov is blocked from us, assuming shes similar to the dad is wrong. kyoko’s fear of being punished with a child similar to herself is genuine, realistic & refreshing to see expressed in anime! usually character like kyoko are cool & brave, but here she’s humanly weak & doubtful. LOVE IT!

Moreover, in furuba words weigh on ppl & have consequences. We see this with kyo. His dad destroyed him verbally with words “ not my fault, it’s yours” that kyo echoes back to yuki! meaning the consequences of the dad’s words cause harm to his wife, kyo & even yuki!. Kyo was tormented with his own words for long time & clung to them even more in order not to resort to suicide! “ not my fault, it’s the rat’s” . Words can crush you down so bad if you hear them from loved ones, & worse if you utter them back to other loved ones! here kyoko learned that just the mere thought of her future child echoing her words back to her would torment her to death! Excellent writing!

-Katsuya invented Furuba’s vision (Accepting weakness & moving on):

The teachings of kyoko & tohru were really katsuya’s after all. I’m fne with that. These teachings are the core of Furuba’s vision. He tells kyoko to accept that she’s weak, afraid & doubtful. it’s okay. But gives her tools to move on. Your kid isn’t you. They’re an individual person. As parents all we can do is give love/hugs (sth kyoko’s parents didnt do), listen to them (sth yuki’s parents didnt do) & if they do sth wrong will explain it & teach them well (sth kyo’s parents didn’t do, his wrong deed was being born a cat spirit & he was hated for it with no explanation, mom gave lots of “fake” love & escaped by death, dad became a raging monster). Accepting weakness & moving on is what the cursed sohmnas needed to do to heal & what tohru taught them. Off course, tohru herself struggled to follow her own teachings & that’s amazingly realistic!

-Kyoko’s guilt (punishment brings ease):

Kyoko wanted to be punished so harsh for her husband’s death. The gossip got to her. She failed him as a life’s companion. Taking care of our loved ones is a duty we carry with much love & care. Them slipping away is perceived as us failing by none than ourselves. The thing is, death comes with no warning at times. It was his time to leave. Accepting it or not, wont bring him back, but accepting it will help kyoko deal with pain while not accepting will cause more pain for her & tohru.

One of the most painful things abt grief is that it’s personal. Life continues around you. Only you feel it. “didn’t the world end when katsuya died”. No kyoko. Only you died emotionally. Only him died physically. Kyo once said “ mom why didn’t you kill me instead”. A different reaction to grief, guilt & pain, but same conclusion: neither katsuya nor kyo’s mom are coming back no matter how much pain kyo or kyoko felt.

Kyoko found ease in emotional death, neglecting & refusing life, punishing herself for staying after him.

kyo found ease in rage & blaming others as he his father did, later he’ll escape to emotional & physical slow death “ cat cage/confinement”.

tohru... found ease in pretending "I’m okay” & her mom is alive.. but not physically.. emotionally, so she’ll ignore the truth & live only for her.

Didn’t I say grief is harsh, weird & very very personal. It’s hard to explain, deal with & heal. The mere words of consolation hurt cuz the grieving ones dont want to accept loved one are really gone. Her dad’s harsh words cemented the “emotional death” that kyoko felt. I’m not needed. neither katsuya. nor parents in general. depression. misery. sadness. emptiness.

-The tv show helped to trigger kyoko’s desire to “meet” katsuya. She has already reached the conclusion that she isnt needed. So, the tv show with their words of the deceased wanting you to be happy. triggered her into misinterpreting the words as to mean her death NOT fuel her to live in his memory as intended.

- “Loosing your way first before finding your answer” is okay & so human!:

Ironically..Tohru... was the person Kyoko was punishing NOT herself: By being emotionally dead, kyoko neglected her daughter. Her world shouldnt be just one person. There are others. Katsuya himself gave her a person to love. Tohru. Kyoko chose death & unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher thsn what kyoko faced. She was about to do, but was saved by a nameless child who reminded her of tohru. She chose wrong first but later saw her answer. Kyo chose death by accepting the confinement & he, too, unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher if he wasnt with her. He chose wrong first but later saw his answer. Off course kyo’s story is more developed & complicated as he dealt with bigger issues than just tohru & his answer wasn't just loving tohru alone but also loving himself & choosing to live for them both: himself & tohru.

-Kyo’s guilt is a concussion thought eating him alive:

Part of why kyo’s story was one of the most human & complex is due him loosing his way first, failing, repeating mistakes “ I always though that hurting ppl was the only thing I was good at, after all, isnt that why mom died?” Kyo’s nightmare being a conscious effect of hearing tohru’s talk abt “ videos & memories of loved ones” is 1000 times stronger & more human than a cliche effect of seeing a “ hat” & to revive a a blocked memory... What the hell!! truly disgusting how the emotional weigh is reduced for stupid cliche drama !!!!!! ..

Anyway, kyo actively & consciously wanted punishment .He was sure that kyoko blamed him” I wont forgive you” can only mean what it literally means. The purpose of the nightmare is to cause kyo to seek “ emotional death” like kyoko & to loose his path more. It is meant to prepare kyo to refuse tohru even more. Therefore, the pay off at the climax will be better & stronger.

Reading kyo’s inner thoughts will never not be refreshing!!! Also, the slow burn is cooked on low , hot fire , so the pay off will be the most delicious there is!

Side Notes:

I’ve stated my feelings regarding the age gap between kyoko & katsuya in last chapter’s preview post. I’m done with it & won’t let it interfere with my analysis of kyoko nor tohru.

The idea of just being together as a fun hanging out activity without being bothered much of where reminds ms so much of kyo & tohru!! we see them being happy together in the anime in kazuma’s house, shigure’s rooftop, cooking pancake in the kitchen! I really like this domestic feel of romance! it contradicts the notion of expensive restaurant with the girl wearing a breathtaking dress to woo the guy for it to be utterly romantic as we see in movies, & other stories.

NGL, katsuya looked sexy waiting home.. damn it! >_<

I cried watching tohru between her parents, how they acted & how loved she was! T_T. it reminded me of my niece How her dad’s death affected her! She was the apple of his eyes.. T_T.

Tohru is indeed a rice ball! her dad gave her a masculine name while tohru is so feminine! his reasoning is “finding salty taste in sweet things make the taste better & stronger, kinda giving it a hidden flavour”, the rice ball has a pickle inside it & it’s what makes the taste so savory & delicious!

Grandpa’s “ chance meetings could lead to variety of outcomes, good or bad” YES! kyo/tohru/yuki meeting each other by chance. Fiction make it look weird, but trust me, real life has those by dozens!

“ i wonder how lost you’ll be, how much time you’ll need to get your answer”. He will screw up so bad, kyoko! it will be so good! one of the best screw up’s I’ve seen! so painful for him & tohru & amazingly written!

Kyo’s nightmare being connected to him remembering/dreaming of kyoko’s story is bigger effect than opening the ep with it & having the cause be sth that happened last ep, a week ago... the effect is NOT the same.

Momiji is so cute!!! did his curse break here or not yet? he seemed as tall as tohru.

Writing tohru worried abt kyo after seeing him pale is the tohru I know!! Not that stupid girl who watches the guy she loves have a panic attach in se3, ep6, then goes in ep 7...” dahhhh.. Jeez.. I duno why kyo is sleeping until now.. better laugh & make cute rice cakes” giggle giggle...That scene got me so furious even when I first saw it!! THIS IS NOT TOHRU! tohru cried for a stupid story that haru told abt puppets!! she’ll forget the person she challenges herself for is sick?! ugh!

I love seeing yuki & kyo chill & cool around each other.

Kyoko being fully dependent on katsuya can be a factor in her grief, but I’ve seen cases where both partners are independent but still be completely broken after the others’ death. Grief isn’t logical at all & is extremely personal.

#Fruits Basket #fruits basket manga #ch 92 #ch 93 #sad paper #Anime Only #manga spoilers

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davidpastrsnack · 4 years

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drive (pt. 1) - matthew tkachuk

a/n: slow burn friends to lovers is my shit and so is matthew so here we are. the name is inspired by the song drive by halsey, a classic friends to lovers anthem. i hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think!

After three months of freedom with you friends and family, the summer was finally coming to an end. To celebrate, you and your close group decided to rent a house on the lake for the weekend, clear of all parents and responsibility. When Friday morning rolled around you finished packing your bag before heading off with your two partners in crime, Matthew and Brady.

You grew up in St. Louis, quickly becoming acquainted with the Tkachuk family when your dad accepted a position within the Blues management with Keith. For as long as you could remember, they were your best friends, but especially Matthew. He was the closest in age to you and since day one you were inseparable.

There was no denying that his move to Calgary took a toll on your relationship. You texted every now and then, but it was obvious that you had two seperate lives that the other wasn’t a part of. But despite this, every summer it was like you were still those twelve year olds running around as if nothing had changed.. Except now you two got into a lot more trouble together.

Matthew was driving and you sat in the passenger seat, always forcing Brady in the back for as long as you could remember. They were bickering about Matthew’s choice of music and you started to zone out, getting lost in the scenery as you traveled further and further from the city.

The reality of summer ending was starting to hit you. You had graduated college just a few months ago, yet nothing career wise seemed to be panning out. Your parents reminded you not to worry, that you could stay with them until something came together, but it made hearing all your friends’ plans for the year that much harder. You were over the moon for them, but each time it felt like a reminder of your failure.

You were suddenly pulled out of your trance by the pest in the backseat, feeling him poke your shoulder repeatedly.

“Hello? Earth to Y/N,” Brady joked.

“Sorry,” you shook your head. “What?” you asked, turning to face the blonde.

“Can you go on aux? I can’t listen to his shit any longer.”

You laughed, rolling your eyes as you connected to the bluetooth in Matthew’s far too expensive car.

“Will you relax?” Matthew muttered to you. “You promised me you wouldn’t stress about anything this weekend,” he pleaded, placing his free hand just above your bare knee.

“How long have you known me? Seriously, when am I not stressing?” you retorted, raising your gaze to meet with his ice blue eyes.

“Fair enough,” he chuckled. “But just try, please.”

“You two are something,” you heard from the backseat, shifting to glare at Brady.

Just like that, Matthew’s hand slipped from it’s post on your leg, moving to turn up the music to shut up his brother.

-----

After finally arriving at the lake later that evening, you all decided to go out to the local bar, a classic, dingy spot that always seemed to make the best memories. You were sharing a room with your close friend Emma, right across the hall from the boys. You got ready with the other girls, opting for a simple outfit of jeans, a white top, and sneakers. The air was hot and thick as soon as you walked in, and you moved straight to get a drink.

Hours later, everyone was having a great time, letting loose for one last weekend before reality struck. You had just enough alcohol running through your veins for a fun buzz, but you weren’t too far gone yet. You and Emma were dancing, totally lost in the beat of the music when your face suddenly dropped.

There was no way.

But unfortunately your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you. Your ex-boyfriend had just walked in with his posse, catching your glance right away and sending you a sick smirk. You hadn’t seen Logan in over a year, but of course here he was the night you were finally able to relax with your friends. Your buzz seemingly disappeared instantly, and you left the girls to go sit at the booth with the guys. You slid in next to Matthew, his arm instinctually wrapping around your shoulders as he kept listening to the conversation.

It didn’t take long for him to figure out that something was off with you, he could feel the tension in your body beneath his grasp.

He lowered his head to be level with your ear, “You good?”

You didn’t want to tell him what was wrong, knowing he would have no restraint. To put it simply, Matthew never liked Logan, but especially not after what he put you through during the breakup.

You nodded, giving him a soft smile. “I just need another drink,” you deflected, slipping from under his arm to get up.

“Wait,” he grabbed your wrist, “I’ll come.”

He didn’t know what was going on, but he had a gut feeling that he shouldn’t let you go alone.

And he was right. As soon as you guys made it to the bar Matthew locked eyes with Logan.

“Y/N, is that…” he trailed off, not wanting to freak you out.

You turned to look where he was, sighing as you saw Logan standing across from you two.

“Yup, it is,” you said, letting out a nervous laugh.

Matthew’s energy shifted immediately, exactly how it does when he’s on the ice. His light eyes darkened and he visibly stood taller, glaring in Logan’s direction.

“Matthew,” you warned. “It’s fine. Just leave it alone. Please,” you begged, wrapping your hand around his bicep in hopes of calming him down. You didn’t want anyone to make a scene, and you knew that’s exactly what would happen if the two of them got any closer to each other.

Just like you thought, your touch made him snap out of his trance, looking back down at you.

“Fine, but if he comes any closer I make no promises,” he declared.

After getting your drinks the two of you stayed put, listening to Matthew ramble about the upcoming season. Logan hadn’t moved, but your back was turned to him so you couldn’t see.

But Matthew could, and he most definitely noticed that he seemed to be inching closer to you, his destination obvious.

The gears in Matthew’s mind started moving right away. He needed to get him away from you but he knew you would kill him if he made a big deal about it.

You were mid-sentence when he panicked.

“Kiss me,” he interrupted.

You were stunned, the shock evident on your face. “What-”

Before you could get another word out, Matthew was grabbing your face and bringing your lips to his. Despite being beyond startled and confused, your body took over and you melted into him. Your lips moved together like they were made for each other, his tongue working perfectly with yours. Your hands moved up his chest and circled around his neck, gently tugging his curls. One of his much bigger hands dropped to your waist, urging you to arch into him.

Matthew was so lost in the moment that he forgot why he kissed you in the first place. He just couldn’t seem to pull himself away, a fire ignited deep within him by your touch. But finally he slowed his lips, gently separating from you and lifting his eyes to scan the bar. It worked, Logan was sitting on a stool with his back facing you both. Message received, loud and clear.

You slipped your hands from his neck, quietly trying to catch your breath as Matthew leaned over your shoulder. After a few seconds he looked back down at you, a cocky, but sweet, smile on his face. It took everything within you not to stare at his lips, pink and swollen, but you quickly snapped out of it when it hit you what had just happened.

You hit his chest, making him stumble back slightly, not expecting it.

“What the hell was that?” you questioned. It wasn’t that you were angry, but now you were forced to confront your feelings for the man in front of you. You obviously weren’t blind to his looks and charm, but you had always admired them from afar, never challenging your status as friend. And you were truly at peace with that, but now that you had a taste of him you wanted more.

His face was laced with nerves, realizing he might have really crossed the line. But then again, you didn’t seem to mind.

“I’m sorry, I-, Logan looked like he was coming over and I didn’t want him to but you didn’t want me to make a scene so I thought if I kissed you he would leave you alone,” his word vomit was in full force, letting everything out in one breath. “I think it worked though.”

“Oh, okay. Thank you, I guess,” you laughed.

And just like that, Matthew was back to his usual self.

“Trust me, no problem,” he winked with his classic smirk on, grabbing your arm to guide you back to the booth.

You rolled your eyes at him, grateful that he couldn’t see your blush. Now you were just hoping that no one saw. The last thing you wanted to do was have to explain that to anyone.

Nearly an hour later you were standing outside the bathroom waiting for Emma to come out. As much as you tried to act normal with Matthew, you were struggling to say the least. Any feelings you previously had were now infinitely amplified and it made him leaving again that much harder, not that anything would happen if he wasn’t leaving.

You were scrolling through Instagram as you waited when you saw the silhouette of a big body heading towards you. You assumed it was Matthew, but you were horribly wrong, looking up to lock eyes with Logan.

“Well hello there, Y/N,” he slurred. Of course, he was beyond drunk.

“Logan, leave me alone. Please,” you pleaded, head glancing at the door wondering what was taking Emma so long.

“Relax, I just want to catch up a little.”

You didn’t respond, rather you went back on your phone, hoping he would just walk away if you ignored him.

“So, you’re finally fucking that asshole Tkachuk, huh?”

Your heart sank at his words, but the anger quickly followed.

“Excuse me?” you were genuinely stunned at how bold he was being. “Who I’m fucking is absolutely none of your business,” you hissed.

Just as you went to enter the bathroom in search of refuge from his harassment, another body joined you, but this time it was one you welcomed.

Brady headed towards you the second he caught eye of the situation, making it just in time to hear Logan’s words.

“Everything okay over here?” He challenged Logan. He pulled you into his side, his arm snaking around your shoulders. He might have been younger, but he towered over both of you.

“Who the fuck are you?” Logan asked, puffing his chest out. You rolled your eyes at his actions, not understanding how someone could be so dumb to mess with these two.

“I’m the asshole’s brother,” he calmly responded.

You had to stifle your laughter at his comment, turning to hide your face in the crook of his arm.

At that Logan gave up, storming off back into the crowd.

“Thanks, Brades,” you smiled up at him, giving his torso a squeeze before letting go and leaning against the wall.

“Of course. But I have to ask, are you fucking the asshole?” He raised his brows at you, a silent way of saying ‘don’t lie to me.’

“What? Are you crazy?” You exclaimed, trying to deflect as quickly as possible.

“Y/N,” he warned.

“No. We are not fucking. Jesus, Brady.”

“Alright, but you two need to figure your shit out,” he murmured.

Before you could give him your rebuttal the door swung open and Emma emerged.

“Hey!” You yelled, grateful for the distraction.

You grabbed her hand, walking side by side towards the door to head home. Brady trailed behind you and you knew you needed to say something to him before you were back with the group.

You turned your head back to face him, “There is no shit to figure out. Drop it,” you snapped.

He threw his hands up, acting like he was totally innocent. But even though you and Matthew were clueless, Brady knew it was only a matter of time before you two came to your senses.

-----

The next day was spent on the boat with the music blasting and the alcohol flowing. Despite everything within him telling him to stop, Matthew couldn’t help but stare at you in that bikini. He prayed that his sunglasses hid the way his eyes dragged over your frame every chance he got. It felt dirty to look at you like that, but last night was like a slap in the face, awakening him to how far gone he truly was for you.

The day ended with a bonfire back at the house, everyone cozying up around the pit reminiscing on another summer together. You were laughing at someone's story and once again, Matthew’s eyes betrayed him. He was in the chair next to yours, so enthralled in watching you so happy. You had been so stressed out about graduation and finding a job that you deserved a weekend of freedom.

He couldn’t help but notice how you started to shiver as the sun went down, only wearing your still-damp bikini and a pair of shorts. He moved to get up to grab you something, but you stopped him.

“Matty? Where are you going?”

His knees almost gave out at the nickname. You had called him that ever since you were kids, but everything had a new meaning now that his feelings were all he could think of.

“I’ll be right back,” he assured.

You nodded, joining back into the conversation. It was dumb, but you already missed having him there.

He was back within minutes, handing you one of his sweatshirts. You thanked him, pulling the soft material over your head, taking your time so you could hide the blush that you knew covered your cheeks. It smelled just like him, and you had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be getting it back anytime soon. His gaze lingered over his name and number on your shoulder, noting how good they looked on you.

As it got later and later, people started going up to their rooms, eventually leaving just you and Matthew alone.

“Come here,” he quietly gestured towards himself.

“I’m right here,” you laughed.

“And you’re also freezing. So come here,” he repeated.

You couldn’t deny that you were still cold, your bare legs not helping much. You slowly stood up, walking to his chair. He moved his arms from his lap so you could sit down, your body resting across his thighs. His arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him, and you already felt yourself warm up from the heat he was radiating.

You sat in a comfortable silence for a while, your head lying on his shoulder as you both watched the fire die out.

“You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but hear me out,” he mumbled, finally breaking the silence.

You lifted your head to meet his gaze, “What are you up to now?”

“Come to Calgary with me.”

part two here

#matthew tkachuk #matthew tkachuk imagine #nhl imagine #nhl writing #hockey imagine #hockey writing #my writing

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factual-fantasy · 3 years

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Come get yall’s bread

Aww thank you! And I hope you have a great new years too! :}

When I darn well feel like it.

I don’t know how old Brown Suburban would actually be compared to Ratchet or Optimus, I’m just going off of the age of the actual cars. Which means that excluding A.T., technically Green Truck is actually older than Brown Suburban.

If I knew how old was considered elderly, and how old was considered young for the TFP transformers than I could confirm whether or not he was older than Ratchet. But I don’t so I’m just assuming that he would be.

Oh and the angst? Yup. Brown Suburban was supposed to be this guy that no matter which wrecker you spoke to, they would always say, “Oh yeah, that guy Brown Suburban? He was already a wrecker when I signed up.” He was like one of the very first wreckers, and saw a lot of them come and go. He saw Ratchet in his younger starry eyed days and he saw Vega back when he was popular on Cybertron.

He knew Bash Buggy before there was even a scratch on him. He knew the Dragsters before they.. well.. yeah. He knew Green Truck before his bleed out and Optimus before his lead, he’s seen a lot.

At this point I wonder if he’s sick of change and just wants something to stay the same forever. Just one thing that he can look at and find peace in the fact that it has stayed the same all these years..

Which you know, would probably be Brown Suburban himself. That thing hasn’t aged a day since the race track I’m telling ya! Its amazing what love, care, and being stored undercover can do for a car like that.

Well hold on now! Slow down there partner, this is Captain Barnacles were talking about.

This absolute teddy bear would never hurt someone out of anger or spite, even if he truly hated that person. Its just not like him, the worst he would do is give that person a dirty look whenever they were around, but he would never lash out and hurt someone like that, despite his supposed instincts. He’s just too gentle and kind for that.

And as for the being spiteful of Bianca’s mate thing? Well his dad left them too, all polar bear dads don't stick around for the cubs for some reason. For the Captain I feel like he would feel like its just a normal thing that happens in polar bear families. It happened to his own mom, him and his sister, to all of his friends and to their parents too.

Grizzly and polar bear dads not sticking around is just how things are, a fact of life. Its just what they do for some reason. I don’t think he’d be spiteful or upset really. Unless he saw that his sister was struggling with the cubs maybe he’d wish things were different? I honestly don’t think he’d think about it or mention it.

Green Truck is keepin his cheeks, but Vega is pretty unwell at the moment. More on that in a later ask. :}

Bruh, can you imagine.

If Captain Barnacles could lift up Brown Suburban? The Octopod wouldn’t need its engine anymore. Because the Captain could just push it everywhere.

Yeah I’ve watched every episode and all the movies. Fun stuff. :}

XD Nice, my friend and the existence of the Conductor is dragging me into the fandom by my feet.

Oh! No no no I don’t do commissions, nor do I ever plan to. As for why, I have at least 5 reasons off the top of my head.

I already have a job, so the extra money isn’t something I desire.

I have witnessed first hand a loved one turn their art into a job and then loose their passion for it, I ain’t about to follow in their footsteps.

I don’t even know how to do them, and I can grantee that what ever I need to do to set up a commission system would be too much for my peanut brain to understand.

I’m an absolute friggin idiot and would 100% get scammed over and over again because I don’t have common sense and don’t know how anything works.

I’m not a people person and wouldn’t know how to handle someone raging at me for telling them to pay me for my art

Not good stuff my guy. :/

Thank you! And can you really blame him? XD With his bizarre vision, things sometimes seem really strange to him. He can never really truly trust his eye sight and if what he’s seeing is correct, but that’s all he’s got to help him identify the things around him.

THANK YOUGHGHGHNN

Thank you so much that really means a lot when referring to my Transformer OCs because I legit put my heart and soul into these characters but deep down felt like they weren’t good enough because they weren’t appreciated at the level that I hoped that they would be-

Thank you very much! I sure hope its gotten better, or else all these hours a day I spent drawing would’ve been a waste haha!..

I missed him too <:}. Lol but he probably doesn't miss me though after what I did to him haha..ha..

I headcannon that Peso has a form of separation anxiety of sorts, and just anxiety in general.

Peso grew up in a huge colony of Penguins, a lot of those Penguins being his close relatives. He was always surrounded by people who loved him and would not hesitate to protect him at all costs. Everywhere he turned was someone there for him you know? I imagined that he was totally relaxed in his colony, a completely different person to the one we know now. Totally calm and happy being surrounded by the safety net that was his colony.

Well, after becoming an Octonaut, his safety net of comfort and peace went from being composed of like probably 1000+ Penguins, to only 6 people. 6, that’s it. Just 6 people.

His crew is tiny, and Peso finds safety and comfort in numbers. He didn’t realize it before but he does now, he hates being alone, and being in a tiny crew creates a lot of situations where he’s alone.

Because of this, Peso has a tendency to latch on to people in a way. Like he’ll be completely normal and chill when he’s on the Octopod, because that safety net is now the feeling of being safe and sound in the Octopod. But when he’s out on a mission? Or even worse, when he’s out on his own? He may hide it pretty well, but he honestly stresses out pretty bad if he gets separated from the group.

I feel like Captain Barnacles knows this about Peso, and understands it better than anyone else does. The Captain understands where his fear is coming from, seeing that he feels it too when he’s alone. That’s why the Captain tries to get Peso to go out on short solo missions when he can, to better help him gain his independence and get over his fear.

One of us.. One of us... ONE OF US... ONE OF US!!!

You know who would be a scary pair? Tweak and Escort. You put two brains like that together and nothing can stop them.

Tweak be coming out with the Gup-🅱 that’s like all of the gups put together plus its a rocket ship.

And then you’ve got Escort walking away being able to make nucellar bombs that are as big as tick-tacks.

Green Truck and Escort are doing wonderfully, Vega however... ehh.. not so much.

The plan to convert Green Truck into a welding truck has been tossed out. Looks like he’s keeping his butt after all. Also Green Trucks carburetor has been replaced and he is running SO much better. Really, he drives fantastically, and we’re really happy with the turn out. I’d say Green Truck is doing just fine in life right now.

Escort hasn’t had any recent upgrades however, actually he’s had some downgrades.. His driver side door handle came off and I think his floor leak maaay be getting worse.. But you know? His engine is still smooth like butter. His driver is very satisfied with how genuinely nice this little tin can runs. Escort is legitimately running better than I think he ever has probably. After getting his engine all cleared out he really is a neat and pretty reliable little car.

As for Vega?... Well.. if being a fire hazard counts as staying warm I’d say he’s doing great!.. But seriously, he is no longer road safe. You see, Vega has a unique leaking issue where the oil around his pistons evaporates into a vapor and leaks through his breathers. This oil then travels down towards the front of the engine and begins to drip onto the Vega’s headers. The hottest external part of the engine. Of course, oil + heat = serious fire hazard. The last time we drove him we were all holding our breath watching as his temperature gage was going crazy and just praying that this thing didn't burst into flames on the highway.

Basically, either we bring a fire extinguisher with us on joy rides and hope he survives the burns, or, we keep him cooped up nice and safe until we can fix his leak. His driver obviously chose the latter.

I’ve never been comfortable with people drawing my OCs. But because my Transformer OCs didn't have as much support as I had hoped, I made a list of fanart rules and forced myself to let people draw them so hopefully they would get more recognition.

But if I’m being totally honest, I wouldn’t be very happy to receive fanart, no matter if the artist followed the rules or not. So I’m going to say that no, I don’t accept fanart of any of my OCs anymore..

Hank u! ♡●ᴗ●♡

Who are these babies? Oh just some of my beautiful baby boys of course. They are transformer-afied versions of these two real life cars as you can see here, I think you can guess who is who in the picture. :}

As for an explanation to where they came from.. A while back I got into a show called Transformers Prime you see, and I wanted to make some OCs based of off the show.

So, I took 16 of my real life family cars and turned them into Transformers. Something I had thought about doing for a very long time. I took these 16 characters and gave them personalities, unique relationships with each other and back stories that intertwined and connected like a web.

Suburban and Escort are conically best friends so I drew them a lot together back then. After the Transformer thing didn't work out quite as well as I’d hoped.. I eventually dropped them all together. But as you can see I felt the need to draw my babies again, so I did. :}

If you want to learn more about my Transformer OCs you can see the original post here that shows all the characters. And then you can search “transformer ocs” on my blog and find some art if you scroll past all the asks. (The asks have some info though if you want to learn more about them story wise) :}

#my response #transformer ocs

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nyctolovian · 3 years

Text

I'm just gonna ramble a bit because holy frick I've a lot of thoughts about Tiger & Bunny right now and where else am I supposed to just spill my random thoughts?

Under the cut because it's accidentally a wall of text.

I'm so glad I gave Tiger & Bunny a second chance. And I say this because a long time ago, while Tiger & Bunny was still sort of popular, I tried to check it out but I started with the manga instead of the anime, which was a big mistake tbh. I didn't realise that it was an anime original lmao so naturally I was left incredibly confused while reading the manga and gave up. And THANK GOD I gave it a second chance because I fricking love it.

First of all, I fricking love the world built for it. It's sort of a cynical setting considering how much marketing is inherent in heroics and how everything is basically reality TV. And it really could have gone the dark, gritty, negative route with it but instead all the heroes are so??? Bright and genuine??? Especially the MC, Kotetsu, since he's a veteran and usually older characters are portrayed as jaded and what not.

I was worried about Fire Emblem at first tbh and,,,, admittedly some of my fears were kind of proven. Like the whole uncomfortable groping and scattered jokes of 'no you're not part of the girl team'. But i was still pleasantly surprised by the portrayal of their steuggles in the movie. It was... quite realistic? The part where their parents tell them "did we not love you enough? Why are u like this?", and that whole split between feminine and masculine presentation hit me pretty hard. And the self-love at the end was really validating. So while they weren't the best queer rep, I... still immensely love them. (Am i too easy to trick?)

Also, oh my gosh. Kotetsu is a bloody gift. He just... works so hard in spite of external pressures and criticism, but also so goofy and clumsy. And the way he's such a pillar of support and pal to all his fellow heroes. The way he jokes around with all of them but also gives some pretty solid advice. I'd also like to add that I'm super biased towards characters that cry tbh. (Not like,,, comedic crying or ugly wailing ofc.) And this man tears up A LOT. Also, I genuinely love the portrayal of him and his family + the way he struggles to keep up with both his responsibilities as a hero and as a father. Ngl, i have a massive soft spot for Kotetsu Dad moments. And i'm also very weak to when he talks about his deceased wife... the way he still wears the ring though im crying and that scene during the movie of them getting married is so precious ;-; This character was built to become my favourite.

Of course, there is Tiger AND Bunny. I wasn't really watching this with shipping lenses on since it's easier to watch hero anime without that, but holy frickkkk. That "I believed that you'd believe me" line sold this pairing for me ;-; Dude... that mutual trust... Then, of course, their trust is tested again and the angstiest bloody trope of "one of them forgot the other". (I was yelling at Kotetsu though because my god, you can't possibly punch a guy till he remembers you.) Also, lmao is it gay to have your memories reawakened upon being called "bunny" by your hero partner? Thing is they both have the same problem of not talking about things that genuinely bother them though. I'm a bit like: hmmmm probably should work on your communication skills.

Also, with S2 apparently coming soon, I'm so so excited. Im wondering how the animation will change (the choreography were pretty good tbh but im not a big fan of the way they used cgi). I also wonder if there will be a change in how they deal with queer themes/characters considering anime has changed drastically in their portrayal of this in recent years. I hope it's handled with more care. Story-wise, I especially want to see more Lunatic though. He's so interesting??? I also want to see Mr Legend's bad history be revealed to Kotetsu. Like, the whole 'he lost his powers too' thing was already such a shock to Kotetsu, i wonder how he'll react to this piece of news. ALSO! I want to see how the whole losing powers thing is gonna be dealt with. How is Kotetsu dealing with only having a minute on his clock? Is it gonna be lost entirely by the end? What is he gonna do then?

Thank god I only watched this year and not when I was way younger because wow. 11 years for a second season is no joke.

#nycto rambles #nycto talks #thats it whew. that was a lot #tiger and bunny #who knows if i'll end up writing something for them. but i think they'll sit in my brain for a while to come #im seriously so so excited to see s2 though

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notasiren21 · 4 years

Text

To those who want to kill themselves:

I’m not going to sugarcoat this at all. I’ll be gentle at times and then rather aggressive. And for good reason...

Because you deserve to fucking live.

I’m aware there’s blatant bullying, discreet and subtle bullying that makes you question if you’re just being sensitive and taking things too seriously (most of the time you’re not, trust me), neglect, familial issues, and then situational instances that pound into your heart and head consistently.

Believe it or not, but the cliché term of “it does get better” is true, just as long as you yourself is willing to check its validity and try.

I thought of several ways like drowning myself in the bathtub and hoping my fingertips would slip on the rims so I couldn’t pull myself up when my body got weak/ holding a knife to my chest while crying/ contemplating on just taking those three steps into the road when I was supposed to get the mail/ jumping off my balcony/ finishing off my oxycodone pills from a wisdom teeth surgery/ etc.

Maybe I’m a coward or was weak, but I could never follow through with it. Just left with that same bottle lying in a medicine basket somewhere or had a brief puncture mark on my chest that just broke the skin with the tip, whatever.

Crying myself to sleep almost every night because it was too much.

Honestly, I think being a coward and weak was the best thing to happen to me.

I lost a boyfriend from how much my anxiety and suicidal thoughts consumed me and had to tell my parents why I was dumped which led to me seeing their faces when I fessed up and said “I’m not happy, I’m not okay”.

It’s funny because I’ve had a cry for help several times through stuff I’ve written and published on fanfic sites, stuff I’ve given to my teacher to read senior year, literally telling my AP Lit class two years ago I was depressed and thought suicidal shit (only 8 of us in that class and teacher) and being told “it’s just like that sometimes, gotta shake it off”, “don’t let people’s words get to you”, “yea, same” and having a teacher pretend like she heard nothing.

That one time I was brave, and I was waved off.

I know there are times where you finally find your voice for that one split second and then you’re ignored, and you feel yourself rescinding back to mute and distant.

I know you’re plastering a smile on constantly to fool others because you’re afraid what will happen when they find out.

It sucks, doesn’t it?

When you hear so many voices in your head playing that record on repeat of the things you most want to forget. Having those nightmares occur where someone takes the final step to push you to your edge. Seeing the annoyed rolling of eyes or blatant show of disinterest of you.

Nine years of schooling, because after 3rd grade, I was just one of those girls who females decided to hate for breathing or asking a question. So nine years I was trying not to victimize myself in my head and justifying why everyone acted the way they did to me.

Teenage girls and teachers alike made my life hell. The girls never gave me the chance and teachers treated me like I was some lost cause that couldn’t even make it to merit roll and like my work was shit.

“Oh, you sure you can make it into the media production film? I don’t think you’ll be able to make shows like you planned. Maybe try for something else.”

“Your writing is, it’s okay. Try harder next time.”

I struggled with grades in high school and wondered if I’d even graduate.

I made the president’s list my first year of college. Got straight A’s. My English professors loved to leave excited feedback on my essays and were amazed how quickly I could conjure one up and fix my own mistakes before peer review.

My professors talked about me to one another and when I met the new ones, they already knew of me.

My history professor begged me to write a poem for a book he’s writing and publishing near 2021.

My creative writing professor attacked me with an email of compliments over a chapter book of poems I wrote where i took them in the order written so it was me at my worst, to me fooling myself, to me losing and falling back, to me trying for help, to me being the best I’ve ever been. >I also made him cry in a class writing experiment with less than 300 words.

(Idk maybe the bitch is that sensitive but he was chill)

My point is: fucking block out what other people say or do to you. Tell someone you trust you need help and stop kidding yourself.

And please, for the love of god, if it is really that bad then do not make yourself so naive into believing a friend or partner can take the brunt of it all and fix you.

It may work for some time, but if you’re still suffering, they will too and neither of you will win in the end.

I took to therapy and it worked. And I dropped all the toxic shit out of my life and moved on.

I may not use social media besides Tumblr or Discord, but I’m more present in life than I was before and not comparing myself to others anymore.

I dropped friends that made me feel bad and bashed things I liked or would cause issues and I have a peace of mind (as much as one can have one during a pandemic and such).

Get the help. Find ways to receive help if you can’t financially afford it. Find that courage to tell someone you trust that listens to you that you are suffering and need that professional help and to be taken seriously.

I was the first to walk the graduation stage of my 2019 class, and I thought I’d be the first of us to die because I couldn’t move past everything I’ve endured from a large majority of them.

I would’ve missed how positively my life turned around.

I would’ve destroyed my parents, little sister, and brother for being so selfish.

I’m the middle child, the good kid with a career in mind and the mediator of the family. And I’m used to not being the favorite but appreciated one.

My dad confessed to me that I was his favorite and I never want to hear it again.

You never want to hear a man you see as the strongest person you know say that while trying not to cry and keep his voice normal, you don’t want to hear “You were always my favorite” said in such a thick voice it brings tears to your eyes.

Your life matters.

This isn’t Sims where you can move on to the next household member. This isn’t like throwing LEGO R2-D2 off a cliff with that iconic scream only or lose a few coins. This isn’t a fucking game.

And I am so sick of hearing people treat it like some quest you get once in your life:

“You’ll be okay.”

“Cheer up.”

“It’s just a phase.”

Etc.

It’s all fucking bullshit. We live in a world that sugarcoats the severity of someone’s life when it’s presented in front of us while on the precipice of shattering.

You deserve to live. Anyone who tells you otherwise is the one who loses the right to be considered human or a person, not you.

Do not let someone dictate your life’s outcome because they don’t agree with you or like you.

And please, for all that is good in this world, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re alright when you don’t feel it.

Hang in for one extra day to gather the strength and tell someone you need help.

Everyone acts so ashamed of it but it was the best thing that happened to me after being such a weak coward and now, I’m genuinely happy. And it was a lot of work to get here.

Want to know where all my angst and suffering had gone to? Just ask the characters in the books and fanfic content I’ve written. I’m sure they don’t appreciate it, but those stories wouldn’t exist if I gave up then.

And believe it or not, people will fucking miss you like hell if you killed yourself. It’s just too hard to see it right now and I was blinded before too.

Not everyone has the same opinion of you. Not everyone matters in your life.

You’re living this life singlehandedly by yourself while surrounded by others experiencing the same thing. Don’t let that opportunity go to waste.

And if you need distractions, indulge yourself in the harmless guilty pleasures like I do.

It can get better if you just open yourself to it.

It can get better if you get help.

You really must be so tired, isn’t it time you stopped pretending?

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rwby-grimm-guardians · 3 years

Text

RWBY Grimm Guardians Arc 4: Re-Bonding In Mistral Ch 6 (Part II)

Here’s Part 2 of Chapter 6.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The next morning…)

As everyone was having breakfast, still absorbing the conversation from last night, the youngest of the team leaders went to the living room.

“Yang…” Ruby called out. Her big sister hummed from the couch, turning to face the younger of the two with a raised eyebrow. The red cloaked teenager bit her lip. She knew she shouldn’t ask this... But she wanted to try and help. “Do you...want to talk about Blake and...our other mom…?” She asked with hesitation. As expected, the blonde sighed, “Blake, yes. Mom...I’d like to wait for now.”

“She didn’t come back with Mom...did she?” Ruby asked, sitting next to her big sister on the couch. Yang shook her head, “No, but I get why. Stepmom gave Mom a choice and Mom alone has to decide if she’s ready to return.” “She’d do the same with us, if we were in that position.” She explained. “It’s just…” The blonde sighed, racking her fingers through her hair.

“I just...wished this was an easy choice for her.” She said. “I get it. She wants to protect us and proud of her for that.” Ruby nodded in agreement, before asking, “But you want her to do it where you can spend time with her. Right?” “I know it’s a bit hypocritical…” Yang said. “But, unlike Blake, I’ve been without Mom my whole life…”

“I can’t talk to her the same way I can speak to Blake.” The blonde said. “I…still don’t know Mom well enough for that.” Her younger sister nodded, “I get that. Also, unlike our other mom, you and Blake have a more effective means of staying in contact.”

Yang nodded in agreement as she rested her head on Ruby’s shoulder. “I know you’re questioning your thoughts. I am too…” The younger of the two said. “So, trust me. We’ll both get answers soon enough. I’m sure...”

“She might be anxious over Dad’s possible reaction too.” She explained. Yang nodded, before shivering, “I don’t want to know how bad THAT might end up.” Ruby nodded in agreement, “We’ll see how it goes... and support them in the best way we can.”

The blonde nodded, before the two rested on the couch. As the morning went on, they watched Jaune spending time with Pyrrha, while Ren spent time with Nora. “Those two pairs are cute together.” Yang chuckled. Ruby grinned, “Aren’t they?”

Weiss then sat down next to them, with Ruby saying, “Your mom looks WAY different now.” The heiress gave a soft chuckle, “Yeah. It’s almost unbelievable.” “But it’s nice. I’m happy with it.” Weiss smiled. “She...finally feels better about herself.”

The tallest of the three sighed, “Speaking of parents, will Blake and Gambol’s like us?”

Weiss sighed, “I hope so. I don’t want to be judged based on my father’s actions.” “From what Mom said since our virtual meeting, they seem really nice and understanding.” Ruby said. “We might be good in their eyes, if they believe Blake.”

“Speaking of Blake, she texted me earlier.” Yang said. Her sister and Weiss turned to look at the blonde, to which she said, “We’ll need to be careful. White Fang’s gonna attack Haven soon.” “Shit…” Ruby whispered, to which Yang nodded. “Yeah.” The blonde replied. “How long do we have?” The heiress asked. The blonde sighed, “Approximately two weeks. They could attack earlier. We’ll need to hurry and be cautious.” “Blake and her family will be coming to help us out.” She explained.

Ruby and Weiss nodded. That was, at least, one good sign.

The three noticed Evergreen comforting Oscar in the kitchen. “Seems like last night made him feel worse about himself.” The youngest of the three said. Yang nodded, “It was Ozma, not him.” The heiress nodded, “Though it seems he’s struggling to see the difference.”

The sister pair nodded in agreement. Qrow entered the living room with a mug of coffee, before looking at his nieces. The two just each gave him a reassuring nod, before he gently combed their bangs out of their eyes with a chuckle.

“Guys…?”

Everyone turned to face Summer as she entered the room, before Ruby, Yang, Qrow, and Evergreen’s eyes widened. As the former STRQ leader stood before them, she was in the EXACT appearance she had prior to her death. She was shorter, had no scars, had longer hair, and had her black dress again.

Yang immediately sat up, before she and Ruby began standing.

“Sum…?” The former bandit called out, covering his lips in shock as he almost dropped the mug. His former leader nodded, shaking, “Please...tell me I’m not DREAMING. Please tell me...that I’m still here.”

Immediately, the former bandit realized that his former leader had triggered her strongest ability. Her unique semblance: Transformation.

Putting the mug on the table, Qrow walked up to her and racked his fingers through the woman’s hair, before holding her. “I’m SO proud of you…” He said, a smile forming on his face. “You remembered your greatest strength.” Something in the former STRQ leader cracked as she broke into tears, burying her face into the now taller man’s shoulder and holding him tightly. “It’s okay, Sum. It’s okay.” The former bandit whispered. “This is real. You’re not dreaming. You’re still here.”

Yang and Ruby, without hesitation, immediately rushed up to them and hugged their mom. Qrow gave a weak, yet genuine chuckle as he said, “I’m so proud of you…” Summer finally pulled back a bit, wiping her face dry and sniffing. “Sorry…” She mumbled, referring to the stain on Qrow’s shoulder. The former bandit smiled, “Don’t be. You know I’d sacrifice a dry shoulder for you, Rae, Tai, and the kids any day.”

The now shorter woman nodded, before holding her daughters...or at least attempting to, given that the two had wrapped their arms around her waist and abdomen from behind her.

As the two teenagers released their hold on the former STRQ leader, she let out a sigh. “I’ve missed this…” She mumbled with a tired smile, before pointing at the stubbled man in front of her. “Doesn’t mean you get to use the height jokes, Qrow.” The former bandit gave a fake pout, “You’re no fun.” Summer gave a genuine chuckle, “And even though I’m shorter, I’m still a can of ass-kicking. I told you that ages ago.” Qrow smiled, raising his hands with a nod, “Yes, yes. You did.”

The two stood like that for a few moments, before Summer once again tightly hugged the taller man. “Easy, Sum…” The former bandit said with a smile. “I got you.” He felt his former leader nod, tightening her hold on him.

Summer began to wonder if this was what it was like. To love yourself.

…

She believed that this was probably ONE way to love yourself. If so, she’d take it with every bit of joy in her. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Some time later…at Haven Academy…)

Finally the group had arrived at the academy. And as they entered, the headmaster, Leonardo Lionheart welcomed them. “Why hello. Thank you for...coming.” He said with a nervous chuckle. “There seems to be...more of you than last time.” Everyone raised an eyebrow, before Qrow said, “Well, the more the merrier, as they say. What’s going on with the council?” “Why did you...bring your weapons?” Lionheart asked.

Once again, the group was confused by the headmaster’s nervous tone…

As well as getting suspicious…

“We’re huntsmen, Lionheart.” Evergreen said, before giving his fellow headmaster a concerned expression. “Is everything alright?” The bearded faunus nodded, “Yes, of course! I apologize.” “Haven’t had my evening coffee yet.” He explained.

Summer and Evergreen knew THAT was a lie and a half.

Suddenly, Summer felt Yang gently tugging on her sleeve as she whispered, “Mom’s here.” The former STRQ leader knew Ember heard that...and probably Ruby and Qrow too. The tallest of the group turned towards the balcony Yang was now pointing to, revealing a black bird on it. Nodding, she then said, “Raven… If you could be polite and come down here, please.”

The group watched as the bird flew from the balcony and landed in front of Summer, before transforming and revealing Raven, removing her mask...and still wearing Summer’s cloak. “You are too observant for your own good.” She said...with a noticeably somber tone.

That alone made Yang realize that her mother didn’t want to be at Haven. Qrow went up to the two, asking, “The hell are you doing here…?” Summer continued to look at her former partner in the eye, before whispering, “You’re not here by choice… Are you?”

The tribe leader sighed, whispering, “Bribed. Salem’s brats want the Relic.” The twins could hear the uncanny wolf growl from their former leader. “And Vampier?” The taller woman asked. Raven closed her eyes, “She’ll be here too.”

Summer sighed, “Very well then. I can make her beg for mercy again.” “I know you will.” The elder Branwen whispered with a small smirk. “Plan is to trick them into fucking up.” The taller woman chuckled, “I’m glad you still got that clever side of you.” The twins smiled, before noticing their former leader grinning as she said to them, “Better make this convincing. Got it?”

“Yes, ma’am.” The Branwens whispered, obviously a little anxious by how willing Summer seemed to go along with this plan. The three then backed up from each other, before Summer whispered in each of her daughters’ ears. As she did that, Qrow successfully managed to distract Lionheart by asking Raven in a convincing angry tone, “There’s only one reason you’d be here. You got the Spring Maiden, right?”

Unexpectedly, the elder twin gave Qrow a noticeable flinch. His jaw nearly dropped in shock. ‘Oh fuck, do NOT tell me…’ He thought to himself in worry. Summer paled, realizing that Qrow didn’t know that Raven was a Maiden...and she was certain the tribe leader was internally panicking. ‘Those two need to play their cards VERY carefully right now.’ She thought. ‘Or we’re so fucked…’

“I do.” Raven said...and as expected, Qrow was even more shocked. ‘Fuck…’ He thought, before saying, “Okay… Then help us by letting her join us…” “Not that simple, little brother.” The tribe leader said. “You know as well as I do that fighting Salem is just a LOSING battle.” Her little brother sighed, “Rae, we’ve been over this. We can stop her. She’s not invincible.”

“She’s right, Qrow.” Summer suddenly said in a monotone voice, drawing a lot of shocked reactions towards her. “Nearly...died ONCE...against Salem.”

The twins and Evergreen looked the most horrified out of everyone present. Against her better judgement, the elder Branwen asked, “Then why are you still fighting?” “Not. Just...protecting you all…” Her former leader said, once again in a monotone voice. The twins felt like their hearts SHATTERED when they heard that. Raven could tell that Evergreen seemed very guiltful over this. Summer’s fingers twitched, before she said, “Can’t kill HER. But her TOOLS, on the other hand…”

“Kill off...or defeat her support? She’s alone.” The former STRQ leader said. “We can, at least...make her fail.” She then perked up, looking around her, as if she had forgotten where she was. Summer then cleared her throat, before saying, “Sorry… That was...something I needed to get off my chest...for quite some time.” “I think…” She mumbled. The group and Raven assumed that the taller woman just had a flashback and whatever thoughts that were still buried decided to show up.

Raven seemed to know very well as to what Summer was talking about earlier.

“As much as I’d like to continue this discussion...and be proven wrong....” The tribe leader started. “This group won’t let me waste anymore time.” She then half-heartedly swung Omen down, opening a portal. A fireball and an energy blast launched out, both hitting Summer to little effect. She had dashed in front of Ruby...and as the smoke cleared, the former STRQ leader glared into the portal. “I see you got a new toy to play with.” She said as Vampier stepped out.

The Bat Queen grinned smugly, “Yeah. Do you like it?” “A...friend of mine has a new toy as well.” She said pointing at the portal as Cinder stepped into the room. The teenagers paled as their eyes widened in shock.

“Thought you saw the last of me, brats?” The red-dressed woman grinned. She and Vampier then looked at a now-furious Pyrrha. The Bat Queen raised an eyebrow, “Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”

It was taking a lot of strength from Jaune, Ren, and Nora to make sure the armored redhead didn’t rush in and get fatally injured again. Cinder looked at Ruby, who looked like she saw a ghost. “Did you like my gift?” The Fall Maiden asked with a grin.

“How…?” The red cloaked teenager asked, shocked that CInder was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Her mind almost flashed back to her nightmare as the red-dressed woman sighed, “Salem’s QUITE generous. Gave me a new arm, new ability…”

“And freed me from my FEAR of you damn brats.” She emphasized with a grin. She then snapped her fingers and soon, Mercury, Emerald, and Vernal had entered the room. “Ah, if it isn’t the assholes who tried to make us look bad.” Yang smirked. “Now we can kick your asses without feeling guilty.” Ruby managed to ignore Cinder as she looked at her sister and Ember, “You two want my scythe?”

The taller blonde ruffled the younger Rose’s hair, “Thanks, kid. But we’d rather punch their teeth out.”, before going into Yang’s gauntlet. The blonde teenager looked at Ruby, obviously concerned as she whispered, “Are you going to be okay?” The younger of the two shook her head, “I...really don’t know…” Weiss put a hand on her leader’s shoulder, “You understand that you have us to help you. Right?”

Ruby gave a small smile and nodded, before jumping as Willow shielded them from another fireball. “What’s the game plan?” She asked Summer. The former STRQ leader narrowed her eyes, before saying, “Vampier’s mine.” She then looked at the teenagers, “Can you take on Cinder and her brainwashed children?” After a few moments of silence of looking at each other, both teams nodded. Summer smiled, giving them a reassuring nod.

She then looked at Qrow and Evergreen, “You two and Willow try to take on Raven and Vernal.” “At least to make this somewhat believable to Cinder…” She whispered. The three adults nodded, before Qrow and Summer noticed a brief, but thankful smile on the tribe leader’s face. “Do me a favor and don’t hold back, brawd.” Raven said. Reluctantly, Qrow nodded, “If that’s what you want, chwaer.”

Cinder formed a flame in her hand with a grin, while Vampier charged her new pistols. “If we’re all done with this chit-chat…” The Fall Maiden started. “Time. For. Some. FUN!” Summer immediately pulled out her sabers, before everyone began charging at each other. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God, this was hard, but I hope it was good enough.

College is a pain in the fucking ass and some personal shit with anxiety had also prolonged this.

Now, Transformation works like this: Summer can transform into things that represent her or her bloodline (for example: A giant gray wolf, a legit giant, a Beowolf Grimm, herself prior to her death or during Beacon, and...something else that will be revealed in the future, hopefully). She can partially transform into other creatures, but it’s difficult to do so. Also, she prefers not doing it with other things.

Of course, these forms (excluding the mysterious one (for reasons not yet set in stone) and her appearances prior to her initial death (because it's just a cosmetic change)) all have their own benefits and flaws.

Naturally, her wolf forms can allow her to communicate with canines, like Zwei for example. As her Beowolf Grimm form was granted by the Grimm blood now inside her, she’s able to communicate with Grimm.

The next three chapters will ALL be about Haven’s fall. With a LOT of differences.

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saturn-space-squid · 5 years

Text

Whumptober prompt 22: Hallucination PART 2

A/N: told y'all I'd be quick. Anyways some of this was written at like 4am when I was really dissociated so it's a little clunky at some parts, but I think y'all will enjoy the ending... 😈

_________________________________________

Marinette continued to look at her knees as her parents sat in front of her, both extremely concerned.

"Marinette, please talk to us. We need to understand what happened." Marinette attempted to say something, anything to explain. But really she couldn't figure out what happened.

"Maman, I just woke up really late and felt really tired. I got confused about something and I guess I fell asleep in class, that's it."

"Your teacher said you were awake and didn't respond when she talked to you." Her dad mentions. "Are you getting sick?"

Marinette wonders, it did seem like a possibility. Maybe the Sentimonster had just gotten her sick and she just had to let it run its course. Marinette nods slowly. "I think I might be."

Sabine sighs. "You should go up and rest then, no sketching or talking with Alya. You need sleep." Marinette nods as she stands, making her way to her room.

"We love you, sweetheart." Tom calls to her as she leaves. "I love you guys too." She shouts back, before entering her room.

As soon as she lays on her bed, Tikki comes out of her bag and gives her a look.

"You wouldn't respond to me today either, Marinette. I tried nudging you and whispering to you. You aren't okay, you should tell Master Fu." Marinette shakes her head.

"I'm fine, Tikki. I just need more rest after the attack yesterday." Tikki pouts, but Marinette is too tired to care. Eventually she drifts off to sleep.

______________________________________

"Marinette. Marinette!" A harsh whisper and a shake quickly wakes her from her slumber. She blinks in the darkness, before the shape of Chat Noir becomes clear above her. She groans, annoyed as she looks at her phone beside her bed.

"Chat, it's four, why are you here?" She whispers back. Chat gets off her bed and stands beside it, looking down expectantly.

"There's an akuma, it said it was looking to get revenge...on you." Marinette sits up, looking around.

"That doesn't make sense, what akuma?" Chat shakes his head and practically pulls her out of the bed.

"There's no time to explain, I have to get you out of here. M'lady was injured the other day, so I'm not sure if she'll show. That means it's up to me to protect you." Marinette nods, that seems to make sense, but why was an akuma after her civilian form, and why so early in the morning? Before she knew it, Chat had her in his arms and was jumping from the window, pole vaulting them through the city.

"Where exactly are you taking me, Chat?" Chat doesn't reply, he just shines a smile at her in the dark.

"Don't worry about it." This was concerning, Chat always gave her a straight answer. Something felt wrong.

"Chat, put me down." Chat just squeezes her against him in response. She started feeling scared, which caused her to begin to struggle.

"Marinette, stop!" Chat landed on top of some roof and he put her down, looking at her, annoyed. He pauses.

"I know you're Ladybug, Marinette." Marinette gasped involuntarily as Chat strode closer to her.

"I don't know what you're talking about, of course I'm not Ladybug!" Chat growled, his glowing green eyes glaring at her as he kept stepping forward.

"Stop lying to me, Marinette! I'm so sick of you keeping secrets from me! You always treat me like I'm beneath you!" He shouts as he grabs her shoulders, smirking down at her. "But now I know your biggest secret. I have the upper hand." Chat raises his left hand towards her for emphasis, before placing it on her left cheek.

"I could say it right now, M'lady. I could end you with a single word, you wouldn't even be able to avoid it." Marinette felt herself trembling as Chat kept smirking, his sharp teeth glinting like daggers in the darkened night.

"This is how it feels to be powerless, casse couille." Marinette gulped as she remained as still as possible.

"Chat, please, I'm not Ladybug. Why would you even do this to Ladybug?" Chat growled as he grabbed her shoulders again, shoving her backwards towards the edge of the roof. Marinette felt like any movement would cause her to fall to her death.

"Be careful, Mari. I know how clumsy you can be." Marinette finally felt tears well up in her eyes as she looked at her partner, or what used to be her partner. Chat's eyes widen as he looks at the door to the stairway. It swings open and there stands Hawkmoth.

Marinette is beyond terrified at this point, her heart beating in her chest, adrenaline causing her to use all her strength to punch Chat, sending him sprawling to the ground. Marinette stares as Hawkmoth approaches Chat, lifting him up effortlessly.

"Have the two heroes of Paris finally turned on each other?" Hawkmoth questions, looking at Marinette.

"I'm not Ladybug! I don't know what you're talking about!" Marinette feels herself slip and she gasps as she looks down, feeling herself falling.

Suddenly, strong arms grab her and pull her back up, not letting go even when she's safely on the roof again.

She feels faint as the adrenaline wears off, her legs shaking and causing her to sink to the ground.

"Miss? Are you alright? I'm calling an ambulance!" Marinette looks up to see that a stranger is holding her. A muscled man currently is looking at her in shock while he yells into his phone. This snaps Marinette out of her haze real quick.

Where was Hawkmoth and Chat? They were just here! She didn't imagine that! They were here! Marinette slid away from the stranger and stood, shaking her head wildly.

"No, no ambulance! Someone brought me here!" The man looks at her strangely, covering part of his phone.

"Miss, no one was up here but you. You almost tumbled off the roof." Marinette looks at the door again, the man noticing too late what Marinette was planning to do as she sprints to it, quickly opening and slamming the door shut as she practically slid down the stairs.

Before she knows it she's outside again, running full speed to who knows where, she just needs to get away from the confusion and terror she had just experienced.

_________________________________

Eventually she's back at the bakery, which logically should've been the first place she thought of. She doesn't have her phone on her, so she can't tell what time it is, but she's sure her parents are still asleep.

She knows she can't go in through the front door, it'll be locked. Somehow, she's going to have to climb back to her balcony. Tikki suddenly flies down next to Marinette, tears in her eyes.

"You scared me! Why did you leave without saying anything?" She whispers sadly, her tiny voice filled with distress as grabs onto Marinette. Questions keep spilling out her mouth, questions Marinette has no answers to.

"Tikki, we can't talk in the open like this, can you help me back up to my room?" Marinette interrupts. Tikki looks up at the balcony and nods, leading Marinette to a nearby alley to hide in.

"Tikki, spots on!" She whispers, seconds later her body is covered in the red and black spandex. She peeks out of the alley before yo-yoing her way up the balcony, shedding her costume as soon as she enters her room. Tikki still looks sad as she looks Marinette over.

Suddenly she flings forward and spreads her tiny arms over Marinette's shoulder in the equivalent of a hug for the tiny kwami.

"I was so worried, I woke up and you were just gone! And you didn't come back for an hour! What were you doing?" Marinette sits on her bed, a shiver going down her spine as she remembers what happened. No wait, what she thought had happened.

"Tikki, Chat Noir came in here, he said he needed to protect me and he just took me out of the room. He started acting strange, and scary. He said he knew I was Ladybug, he threatened to cataclysm me! Oh Tikki, he said he was going to kill me!" Tikki rubs her knee softly as she confesses to everything that happened the last hour.

"Marinette, I think I would've sensed Plagg if Chat was here. Are you sure that's what happened?" Marinette pauses and shakes her head.

"I almost fell off a roof. I saw Hawkmoth, I punched Chat!" She looks down at her fist, noticing the swollen knuckles and scraped skin. "But when I almost fell, there a stranger who helped me. Hawkmoth and Chat disappeared." Tikki remains silent for a moment.

"Maybe you should get some more sleep, Marinette. You have to get up for school in a little bit." Marinette nods, knowing that Tikki doesn't know what's happening and she's avoiding it.

"Don't tell Master Fu yet." She mumbles before laying on her bed. Tikki nods silently, regretting it.

______________________________

Thirty minutes later her alarm goes off. Marinette groans dramatically as she turns off her alarm and tosses her phone to the end of her bed.

Tikki giggles at the familiar sight as she begins poking Marinette's cheek. "You have to wake up, you have to show Alya and Ms. Bustier that you're okay." Marinette rolls onto her back, her arms stretched out from her sides.

"Fineeee." She says, getting out of bed and getting dressed. She walks downstairs to grab a quick breakfast and is met with the happy faces of her parents.

"Bonjour, mon cœur!" Tom greets, looking at Marinette expectantly.

"Bonjour, Papa." Marinette responds, hugging her father, before her mother joins in, both clinging to her a little too tightly.

"Did you sleep well?" Sabine asks Marinette as the group breaks apart. Marinette nods happily, showing a genuine smile.

"I think I was just feeling super tired yesterday, but I'm all good to go now!" Marinette worries she may be pushing it a little too much. Her parents look at each other, worried.

"Well if you say you're feeling okay, then we have to trust you. But if you start to feel bad again, do you promise to call us?" Sabine asks. Marinette's overly wide grin softens and she nods. Sabine smiles at this and hands Marinette a chocolate croissant.

"Hurry up, you don't want to be late." Marinette chuckles at that as she leaves the bakery, eating her breakfast along the way.

___________________________________

Marinette sits next to Alya, on time for once. Alya scans Marinette as everyone before has done and then shakes her head.

"Girl, you're on time today. Now I'm really worried." Marinette lightly elbows Alya who laughs at the gesture. Ms. Bustier walks in, her eyes immediately turning to Marinette. She waves her hand towards her, telling Marinette to go see her.

Marinette stands and walks to the front, feeling somewhat nervous. Ms. Bustier walks to her and hugs her.

"You seem to be doing better." Ms. Bustier comments as she pulls away, Marinette nodding. "If you need anything, just let me know." Marinette thanks her before heading back to her seat, Alya grinning at her.

_________________________________

Marinette opens her eyes. Wait, opens her eyes? She looks around, surrounded by darkness. No, wait, this doesn't make any sense. Is it happening again?

She gets up from the ground, looking around in the vast darkness. The terror comes quicker this time than usual, she's already expecting this incident to get worse.

"Marinette…" Marinette spins around, trying to find the source of the voice. It felt wrong, scared, tortured. She didn't like it one bit.

"Marinette, help me…" That was Alya, or maybe it wasn't, was this even real? "Marinette…" Marinette listens to the voice and begins running towards where she thinks the sound is coming from.

Out of nowhere, she sees her. She's on her knees, Chat standing next to her, his right hand on the back of her neck. Alya starts crying as she stares at Marinette, pleading.

"M'lady, nice of you to finally join the party." Chat's voice seems to surround her in the dark. The words both echoing and compressed. It caused her to visibly shake.

"Chat, what are you doing? Let her go." Chat just stares, unblinking, before he opens his mouth in a cruel smirk.

"Catacly-"

"NO CHAT!" Marinette rushes forward, but it's too late. Smoke rises from Alya's neck and her eyes look forward, a shocked expression on her face as her brown irises fade to a milky white. Chat pushes her forward, Alya twitches as she sinks downwards, more smoke emitting from her skin as it begins to resemble charcoal, her body slowly crumbling away into a pile of ash and bone.

Marinette pushes Chat backwards, before running forwards again, her feet seeming to take her nowhere as she continues to watch her best friend die from the affects of her partner's power.

She can almost reach her, she just has to touch her, then she can confirm this is all a dream. A few more steps, three, two, one-

Marinette gasps as the images dissolve, all matter dissolves, and she's falling in the dark abyss.

Crack!

_______________________________________

Part 1

Part 2

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wolfpawn · 4 years

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Life is a Game of Risks, Chapter 54

Chapter Summary - As Alexianna makes an unscheduled stop on the Tube to treat herself, she meets a face from her past she is not too happy to see. When she discusses it with Tom, they speak more on the matter before she has some Mother-Daughter time with Lily.

TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.

Previous Chapter

Tags: @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @theoneanna

Request if you wish to be tagged

Alexianna walked through Angel paying little mind on anything. Tom was currently working away and Lily was in school. She had just finished classes for the day and was wasting time before she would make her way to work when she realised there was a man looking at her ahead. At first, she paid little heed to him but when he stood more in her line of travel, she focused more and realised why he seemed familiar. Swallowing slightly, she said nothing and attempted to keep walking.

“Do not ignore me, Alexianna?”

“You ignored me for twenty-six years.”

“Alexianna, please?” Oliver’s tone was low, so the station would not be privy to their conversation.

“I have nothing to say to you. Nothing. Daniel can have a relationship with you but I don’t want one. I wanted one when I was eight and I needed a father but you weren’t interested. I am just extending the same courtesy.” She walked around him before stopping and looking at him again. “Why are you here?” “I have a meeting with an old colleague of mine today, I came down for a few days to do a spot of catching up.” He answered plainly. “Why are you at this station?”

“Convenience.” “Is that the only reason?” “Are you asking me something, Alexianna? If you are, just come out and say it.” She said nothing. “You live near Hampstead, correct?” She nodded, he would know that by paying the fees to Hampstead Hill, Daniel had promised Oliver didn’t know the location of her home and she trusted him on that. “You partner lives in Belsize, I got that from the internet.” Again, she nodded, it was on Wikipedia where Tom lived. “Your college is in the centre of London and your office, from what Daniel tells me is four stops from here, so if you think I am here to bother you, the answer is no, I did not expect to see you here of all places.” Alexianna had to admit, he was right. She was not due to be there, she chose to get off there because she wanted to grab a white hot chocolate before going into work and just wanted to relax, it was not somewhere she would regularly be. “Fine.” She turned to leave again. “Is your daughter liking the school?” Alexianna licked her teeth. Part of her knew Oliver was simply making small talk but she had made her mind up years ago, she wanted nothing to do with him and did not see him as a father figure. “Yes. Excuse me.” She went to walk again.

“Alexianna, please. I know I made a terrible decision regarding you and Daniel but after it all…” He could see his daughter had no time for anything he was saying. “I am sorry.” “Thank you, for what you are doing for Lily. I mean it, thank you. But I do not want it if it is only to strike up conversations with me. I don’t want to talk to you. I tried to talk to you for years and you ignored me. When I needed a father, you were nowhere to be found and don’t give me the Marie line, I was in a terrible marriage, I know how hard some people are but I would endure anyone for Lily. I endured for her so don’t pretend to actually care because if you had, you would have been there.” She hissed quietly not wanting to bring attention to them.

Oliver had the decency to look ashamed at her. “I am sorry.” “Sorry doesn’t fix the nights I cried for my dad, for when I was after a car accident and I tried to call you, when I was scared and abused by my mother, then by my husband, when I was raped by him and made carry my daughter, when he left when it was a girl and not a boy, when I was struggling through it all. All of those times I needed you and you were not there, you were nowhere to be seen but you swan in now and you think I owe you my time?” She turned and left him behind her, him silenced by her saying what she endured, what he had ignored.

Alexianna rushed through the streets to the coffee shop she wanted. She looked at the queue and inhaled deeply. She wanted to cry but it would do her no favours. She would get her treat, she would enjoy it and not worry about her father, her ex-husband or her mother. She would think about the work she had to do, her daughter who she would see that evening, Elena collecting her from school, and Tom, who was going to facetime them at six so to talk to her and Lily. She forced herself to think of that her hands shaking slightly as she waited in the queue, trying to steady her herself as she did.

“What’s wrong?” Tom saw the frown lines clear on her face that she tried to hide them from him during the call. As soon as Lily went to have some supper before bed, Tom brought up the question. “Please, Lexi, no lies, talk to me.” “I bumped into Oliver today.” Tom’s brow furrowed. “In Angel. I went to get a hot chocolate and we crossed paths, he tried to start off a conversation but I said thing things I always planned to say and I...seeing him, the anger I feel, I just...I thought I was over it, but it pulled up how abandoned I felt again. I spoke to Mr Barrows about it but it clearly wasn’t enough and I am upset because I thought I was getting better.”

“It is not an instant fix, Lexi. You need to spend time healing. If you saw Marie or Jonathon now, you would still feel something too and not something good but you are working through it.” She chewed her lip. “Hey, don’t do that, if I was there I would flick water on you now.” She gave him a weak smile. “Lexi, I love you, you are so strong. He sideswiped you today, Darling, you weren’t prepared. I can’t imagine the blow that was to you but you are so strong and you stayed calm and carried yourself well and told him all you swore you would, given the chance.” “I told him too much, I think.” “Don’t fret, Darling. I am so proud of you.” Tom gave her the smile that told her he meant his words. “What are your plans for tomorrow?” “Take Lily to the park, be a Mum.”

Tom smiled at that. “Have a wonderful time, I wish I was there. Please, Lexi, send me a picture of you both, smiling.”

“I…” “Both of you, I mean it. She needs to see you smile with you.”

“I do smile with her.” “Yes but you do not go into the pictures, that’s a big part of the issue. What will happen in thirty years time when she is showing her own little monsters pictures of her and you? You need to have said pictures, and you need to smile in them.” “I don’t want to think of my daughter as a mother.” “The likelihood is though, that she will. More women have kids than don’t have them,” Tom pointed out. “She will want the pictures, it’s incredibly important that the two of you have time together.”

“You’re right.” She conceded. “Have a good afternoon, Tom, I’ll text you before bed.”

“Please do Darling, and don’t worry about Oliver, he is not your problem, alright?”

“I know.” There was a hint of defeat in her voice. “I might see if I can talk to Mr Barrows about it.”

“If you feel that that is what you need, give him a call in the morning. I am sure he will be happy to assist with all of this.” Tom agreed, knowing that there was a man in his girlfriend’s life that he more than once joked he had not met that got her to open up more than he could. He wished to meet Mr Barrows, to thank him for the incredible work he had done with Alexianna to get her to understand her emotions and to put into words what it was she was feeling with regards them. He had made his relationship with her a hundred times stronger and her sessions assisted in lifting the darkness around Alexianna and bring her back to her old self. “I will talk to you later, Darling. I love you and bye for now.” “Bye for now.” She repeated before hanging up the phone.

The rain that fell heavily from the dark skies put an end to Alexianna’s plans to bring Lily to the park the next day. For a time, she did not know what to do with her daughter, wanting to do something to make the day a little more special before she came to a conclusion.

Tom looked at the picture on his phone and felt his chest swell and his face break into a genuine smile.

Alexianna was covered in flour, her hair dusted in it and a real smile that went all the way to her eyes, creasing the sides of them slightly, a giggling Lily beside her and both indicating to the freshly baked unicorn cookies, covered in icing and sprinkles on the counter. The kitchen was clearly a mess, the debris of their baking splattering the press doors as well as the tiles behind them. The next picture was even better. Alexianna and Lily in fleecy pyjamas, under Alexianna’s duvet and a movie on in the background as they cuddled on the couch with popcorn and sweets. He found himself envious. He wanted to be there with them. As he began to send back a message, another alert came in, this time a video of Lily, on her mother’s lap as Alexianna smiled happily with her arm around her daughter’s waist as she half cuddled her.

“Hi, Daddy. I miss you. Mommy and I had the second bestest sort of day. We went baking, and we watched Inside Out and had popcorn. It was so good, Daddy. I wish you were here acause then it really would have been the bestest day.” Tom choked up slightly at that. “I want you to come home soon, acause I miss you so much. I love you, Daddy, night night.”

As soon as the video came to an end, Tom realised his eyes were welled up. He smiled sadly at Lily’s declaration that the day was incredible but did not reach top tier happiness in her mind because he was not there. Tom knew that no matter what happened in life, the video and the big smiling faces of the two women in it would matter more than most anything else.

#Life is a Game of Risks #chapter 54 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic

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mixtapeonwheels · 4 years

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How do you destroy love before it truly blossoms

Okay, so, spoiler alert, I don’t THINK I want kids.

And i really hate how when you tell people that, they immediately jump to the “oh, you will eventually, I was the same way when I was younger.”

Man, I’m 28. I definitely haven’t spent much time on Earth in the grand scheme of things, and maybe it’ll change, but I’m not about to get anyone I date hyped up on the fact that I’m ready to start baking a bun in the oven. I’m not. I’m too focused on my own life and the goals i want to accomplish, and I think part of me sees a child as standing in the way of that.

Do I want to be a uncle? Hell yes. That’ll be cool as shit. Take them little tykes on adventures, buy them sweet presents, and be that awesome uncle that always comes back with a cool story or a new souvenir for them. That sounds wicked.

But, the one thing I’ve consistently thought about is - how do you tell a child the love they experience with a girlfriend of a boyfriend, won’t last forever?

It can’t. And maybe it shouldn’t. If I think back to the person I was the first time i was in love, I was immature, and inexperienced, and I don’t think I had any real idea of what I wanted out of life. She was wonderful, but she was very jealous, and we fought often. It’s easy to paint a picture of a perfect relationship because I still have her as a friend. In fact, I still consider her one of the most genuinely good people I’ve ever met. But that relationship was a rollercoaster, and when it ended, it was meant to. We both needed to grow, to be with other people, to live our lives. We needed to experience heartbreak, and go on wild adventures, and experience the world beyond the view we saw through each other. And I’m thankful that though we were distant for some time, we were able to come back and have some semblance of a friendship.

But I’ve also been in other relationships. I’ve had some that were good for a time, and turned to bad. I’ve had others that were the definition of emotionally abusive and manipulative. How did my parents sit there and watch that happen, all the while hoping, and maybe even knowing that it wouldn’t last? How does anyone watch someone struggle, and know that they NEED to struggle to find themselves in the darkness?

I was a kid that always did, always does, think about love. I’ve been in love before, and each one, for a time, was wonderful. Sometimes love can get stale, if not tended to in the right ways by both parties. I think the most important thing I’ve realized is how to keep love fresh, and how to work at it, day by day, like a garden that you need to water and take care of. Sometimes I miss it, and other times I don’t. I miss parts of it, like the feeling that another human being wholly knows you, inside and out. That you can tell them anything, and be anything around them, and they’ll love you regardless of the weirdness and quirkiness that you reveal. Maybe they’ll love you because of that. And there are other times I don’t miss it. I don’t miss the uneasiness that comes with a fight. The feeling that your heart isn’t under your own control anymore - it’s in the palm of another, and whether they choose to tend to it or to crush it is not your decision. Most of all, I don’t miss the feeling when you know it’s going to end. When your entire body gets warm during that silence, the silence that follows the question, “What’s going on?” or, “Are things okay between us?”

I don’t understand how you explain any of that to a kid. In a small way, it’s like when I tutor my students. They come to me sometimes with different life questions, depending on the relationship we’ve built. It’s never the guys, it’s always the girls. But sometimes they ask me about boyfriends, or dating, or life in general. If I’m dating, they ask how we met, when I knew I liked her, weird things like that. Sometimes I tell them, sometimes I don’t. It depends on the situation, the student, the relationship we’ve built. And I trust my own moral compass and my skills of reading individuals to know if they’re asking for the right reasons.

But how do I look at one of those students, and tell them that I’ve heard this story before, the reasons they’re not good together, and that it won’t last. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to. He’s too immature, and soon you’ll realize why women date up in age. The maturity just isn’t there, especially in your early 20s. And if anyone reading this decides they want to challenge me on that, please do. But I’ve had too many experiences, some my own, some of others, to believe that early 20s men and women can handle the relationship that I think they THINK they want. There’s too much life to live. Realistically, I think you’re meant to spend your 20s figuring yourself out. Having experiences, meeting people, and then discovering what elements of everything you’ve been through you want to retain. Maybe you want the travel of the vagabond lifestyle, but not the potential homelessness. Maybe you want the passion that comes along with that relationship, but not the abuse, not the manipulation, not the fights. Maybe you want the stability that comes with owning property, but not the white picket fence, the 2.5 children, or the minivan freshly-washed in the driveway.

How does anyone tell a child that? How did my mom not tell me when i came to her at 10 years old telling her that I was in love with a girl named Christina, that it wouldn’t work? That it couldn’t? I admire the fact that she let me suffer, but never tried to logic it out. Never told me that it was statistically impossible to meet my match at a young age and marry that same person. Maybe she realized there was no way for her to know anyways. Maybe she had the wisdom to see that if this love was meant to last, if it was meant to grow, who was she to say otherwise?

That’s where I get lost. I think I’ve known for a very long time that my parents were just guessing at what they were doing. I think there were two very distinctive moments i noticed growing up around them: I knew when my parents’ dating advice became real, and I knew when they decided they were ‘done parenting’.

The first came for my mom, when she gave me the best advice she’s given me to date. I was 20 years old. I was desperately in love with the girl I was dating, but we were having problems that were insurmountable for our age. We were fighting constantly. I was so torn. I loved her, but we NEEDED to break up. We needed to grow. And she said, “Look, there’s two ways this goes. Either you fix things because you KNOW you’re getting married, or you break up because you don’t.” And in that moment, I knew what my decision had to be. For my dad, it was when I was 22, and I had gotten into a massive fight with my then girlfriend. He told me to be silent for a few days, eventually making her think I was going to break up with her, when i just wanted time to think and process - maybe even make her suffer a bit (cruel, I know). Spoiler alert - it didn’t work.

The second moment came slowly over time. My mom started telling me about the arguments she had with different people. And when I would tell her she was acting a fool and needed to grow up in that particular situation, she listened. My dad on the other hand, started telling me more dating stories, more stories of fights he got into as a young man. They didn’t make me think less of him - if anything, both of these occurrences made me think more of my parents. They believed in our relationship enough and valued me enough as a son to know that I needed to see their real sides. We had finally reached this point where we could transition from a purely parent-child relationship to some sort of parent-friend-companion hybrid. I consider them two of my closest friends because of the amount I share with them, and also because of the amount they share with me.

In closing, if there ever really is a closing to any of my blog posts, I try not to edit these things. These are unedited thoughts, and for anyone that likes to read them, you can see the way my brain jumps around a bit. Depending on where my anxiety is at in my life, it will jump around more, or less. I know at this moment, I have no desire to be a parent. I don’t know if that will change in the future, but I don’t want to be strung up by some potential partner through my own words of uncertainty, so I rarely tell anyone that. I need my life to develop in certain ways before I could ever consider giving it all up, even for a few years, for a small, potato-faced object (fun fact, that was taken from a mom friend of mine). There’s a little honesty for you, I guess.

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myrelationshipwithanarcissist · 4 years

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I met my partner 9 years ago at a New Year’s Eve party. We didn’t speak too much that night, but myself and my friend that were at the party we’re friends with two of the guys that he hung around with. Somehow I ended up with his number and we started texting a lot. He picked myself and my friend up a few times (he lived 45 minutes away) and we stayed down his area at his friends, went McDonald’s etc. We got on really well and of course it was flirty, but nothing in particular happened. I always remember being on the bus texting him and he told me he’d give me a baby. But things between us went quiet, I can’t remember why. Looking back on it I assume it’s just because he had a girlfriend (which I didn’t know at the time) and she probably saw the messages between us. Either way, we stopped talking. Two months later I had met someone else and got into a relationship with them. I won’t go into much detail, but the guy was an absolute arsehole (I seem to attract them. Probably due to my own arsehole of a father). I ended up falling pregnant at 17, and as typical story goes, he cheated, then ditched us. Throughout the years he came in and out as he pleased and we had a very toxic relationship (even though we weren’t together). In 2016 he left for good and we haven’t seen him since (other than the odd times I’ve seen him in public but we haven’t spoken). Since then he’s got married and had another kid (although also recently ditched that woman as well, no idea about the kid. If you’re wondering how i know this when we have no contact, it’s because I’m extremely close with his mum and my kid sees her regularly and his mum has nothing to do with him, but knows through her own mum who he is now living with. It’s complicated, I know.) this information is relevant because of certain behaviours and comments from my partner. Anyway, back to my current partner. Throughout the years we would end up messaging again. There would be flirting and just general talk. We’d always discuss meeting up but it would never happen, as he was still in another city at uni and when he came home he was in a relationship with someone else. He would also make sexual jokes to me sometimes, and out of awkwardness of not killing the conversation, I’d go along with it in a jokey way, but make it clear that obviously it wasn’t going to happen. He never pushed it majorly, but would make ‘jokes’ that we’d have to have meaningless sex at least once, because apparently our sex would be incredible.

(Every time I press enter it leaves a massive gap for some reason?!)

About three and a half years ago I was in a sort of relationship with this other guy. Nothing serious. More friends than anything that just hung out a lot. But we went to the cinema to watch the film ‘why him’ .. (the irony of it still makes me laugh) when I ended up seeing my current partner there with one of his friends. My face lit up seeing him because we’d always gotten on really well and I said hey and I think I gave him a cuddle I’m not sure? (This will come up in a future argument). When I was back at home I messaged him saying it was great seeing him, hope he was okay etc. It’s important to add that the messages were not flirty, and I did not invite him to come over or plan anything that would be considered inappropriate.

I’ve just realised it’s very important I add this in. When my daughter was two, I ended up moving into my own place with her. During that time I spent every evening alone as she was always in bed by 7. I became very comfortable with myself as a person, and my own company. I became someone that wouldn’t take shit from guys - other than my daughters father unfortunately, I was still a mug for him and would go running back every time he showed his face as I was desperate for my daughter to have a father I never had - and I honestly just had no interest in being with anyone. Sure I innocently flirted, and sometimes guys thought I was flirting purely because I was able to be myself and joke and laugh with them when flirting was the last thing on my mind. But I always made it clear I had no interest in anything. Not casual sex, not a relationship. Most of the time I couldn’t even commit to texting people regularly because I just preferred keeping to myself. I also knew that if my ex would come back, I’d go running to him, so I never wanted to get in a relationship with someone when I knew i was still a mug for my ex. But I genuinely couldn’t go more than a few days of talking to people consistently, it drained me. And I got fed up with guys seeing me as a challenge because I would tell them I wasn’t interested in anything, yet they thought they could change it. I was fed up with people creating this idea of me in their head and falling for that, rather than actually getting to know me for who I really was. For once I just wanted someone to actually take the time to get to know me for me, and want me for me. Not the idea of me that they’ve created. My depression also got pretty bad during this time and I struggled to find motivation to do anything and spent a lot of time in bed. This will also come up later.

A few months after seeing him at the cinema, we were both single. He’d sent me a video on Facebook and we got talking, and he mentioned how the last time we had spoken, I’d just stopped out of nowhere so he asked me what my deal was and I just explained, like I have above. He seemed pretty cool and understanding about it. The conversation continued and somehow we ended up arranging going out for drinks together. The night came and it was okay. We got on easily and had some laughs and made some jokes. In the car home we got talking about nudes or something, and I showed him a picture of me in my underwear. I did this because I hated my body, so when I got photos where it looked good, I liked to show it off a little to make me feel better about myself based on their reactions, and to obviously come off more confident than what I was. But nothing happened, and I went home to relieve my mum of baby sitting duties. The next day I was in town with my mum, and he kept texting me, but due to obviously being out and busy and my mum having a go at me for being rude every time I went on my phone, I wasn’t as into the conversation. This caused him to become insecure and arsy with me even though I explained that I was out with my mum, but he thought I was making up excuses and just didn’t want to text him, and in my head I was like oh fuck this, this is way too much energy and hassle. So I ended up ghosting him. I still had him on social media, I just didn’t text him back etc. I mean honestly his reaction there should’ve been enough of a red flag for me to stay the hell away.

Alas, a year came and went. During that time we had odd conversations as we had similar interests. Then I found myself craving social interaction, which is very rare to me. I think something had been said between us recently and I started to think about him, so I put out a snapchat story set so only he could see it, basically saying I was bored. He messaged me. We started chatting. He bought up me ghosting him. I explained that there was just too much expectation for something more and it caused me to close up. I wasn’t ready for something like that at that point of my life. I told him i just wanted to be friends, to build up a proper close friendship so we really knew each other before jumping in blindly. He was understanding. He said well let’s hang out as friends then. I was more than down with that. He came over one night. We chilled and we chatted. He was respectful, he didn’t try anything and we got on really well. He came and chilled the next night. Same again. He then showed an interest in meeting my daughter and since we were just friends, I was cool with it.

Now because of the whole issue with my daughters dad, she is very wary of men. It takes a lot for her to talk to them. And even then she does not trust them, she does not like being touched by them (no, she was not sexually abused; she would just see that due to my anxiety I did not like to be touched, and unfortunately that rubbed off on her). Like she would never admit that she loved or even liked a man, even when it’s clear she did.

He came over, gave her a peace offering of a hagrid pop figure. She started to come out of her shell. They quickly clicked and bonded over pokemon. She adored him. He was incredible with her. Understanding, respectful, playful, patient. He’d play with her and he had a great imagination. They pretty much fell in love with each other. (She was 6 at this time) And obviously my kid is the key to my heart. Win her over and treat her amazingly and that’s it, I’m yours. So things became more relationship orientated than friendship. In my head I was like, well I’ve known this guy for years, we get on really well and we have loads in common. I’m myself around him and he seems to like that. I made it clear though that it was to go very slow, I didn’t want him staying over, I didn’t want to have sex with him until I knew things were serious and we’d lasted a few months. He told me he understood and he was fine with it, although he would make sexual jokes.

After his second time of seeing my daughter, after she had gone to bed, we were sat on opposite ends of the sofa like always. Then he asked if he could have a cuddle. I obliged even though I felt anxious about being touched at first. But for some reason I felt comfortable once we’d settled into a cuddle. Like it felt right. He then kissed me. I was disappointed. Not because it was a rubbish kiss, it wasn’t. But I had wanted a build up. All the tension of taking things slow but really wanting to kiss until suddenly it’s the perfect moment and BAM, fireworks and romance - which he knew. (I read a lot of books and had very high expectations of relationships and love) and that didn’t happen, but I rationalised that this was real life and it doesn’t always go how we planned. This was my first stupid compromise. Of course it wasn’t long until he started getting extremely intense with the kissing, and of course began thinking with his dick like all men do. But I was adamant and kept saying no, so he stopped, but would try every night. Getting more and more insistent and pushing boundaries. Huge red flag. Should’ve paid more attention. But I was too blinded by his relationship with my daughter and how comfortable and easy things were with him. Eventually I just gave in because I stupidly ended up feeling bad for repeatedly saying no. Stupid compromise number two that I will always regret. There was no meaning behind it. I didn’t feel any particular passion. It certainly wasn’t what I expected or wanted. I mean for god sake, it was a quickie on the sofa. I was fuming with myself. And yet I should’ve been fuming with him. Already, this strong independent woman I had spent years carefully building was just falling apart.

The next thing was staying over. He still lived 45 minutes away and he started complaining about how much petrol he was using and all his miles. He started to guilt trip me and make me feel bad. I tried saying that it was too fast and would be confusing for Gracie-mae. But he still continued to make me feel bad. Saying how it would only be on the weekend, so that he could spend more time with us. I gave in. Compromise number 3. It wasn’t long until he’d moved in half of his stuff and rarely went home. I couldn’t ask for space because he would get all insecure when I would even so much as mention about having time alone. Why wouldn’t I want to spend time with him after all? I mean he wants to spend every minute with me, and every minute that we weren’t together due to work, we had to be texting. And if I wanted space it must mean that I don’t care about him the way he does me. Although at this point he wasn’t as blatant and obvious as this. That was like month 2/3 that he started saying his toxic shit straight (which shows that people really do show their true colours after 3 months because they can’t keep up with the charade). So I didn’t get time alone. I didn’t even get to spend proper time with my daughter without having to be on my phone texting him. Another thing I hate myself for.

I can’t remember much other details about the first few months except a few occasions. I remember vaguely that I had said about the whole space thing because I was overwhelmed with constantly being around him as I was used to having my own space, and he got distant and got his stuff and left. He then texted me saying he didn’t think he could do this, the whole kid thing was a lot to take on etc. He also started a guilt trip of saying that he felt like he’d thrown himself into this relationship and felt stupid for doing so because I hadn’t done it back - because I wanted alone time. Actually; I’ve looked at screenshots and one of my messages say ‘is this all because I won’t let you stay over and have sex with you’. So yeah. Of course I was completely blinded at this point and the thought of losing someone I was so comfortable with, and who was so amazing with my daughter was just not something I wanted to accept. Looking back on it I should’ve just let him leave because my reaction then set an expectation for him. He liked having me beg and fight for him. Huge red flag. Another argument was when we’d gone to the beach one day with my mum and sister and her kids. He wanted to stay at mine when we were back but I was like no not tonight, I’ve got work tomorrow etc. He threw a massive tantrum. Can’t remember the specifics. But then he sent me a guilt tripping message saying “I just want you to know that every moment I don’t get to be with you I feel is wasted. So I was so pissed off that I couldn’t stay with you last night. I absolutely adore the ground you walk on and I can’t get enough of everything about you” seems like a pretty cute and romantic message right? I thought so too. But when someone is using that as an excuse for why they’ve got pissed off and taken it out on you, it’s a massive red flag. Another time, my mum came over to help sort out my garden (she’s a career and so constantly working and whenever she’s not at work she always helps myself and my sister out off her own back. The most giving and selfless person ever). And my partner was over, yet he refused to do anything to help us out. Literally nothing. He just went upstairs to go on his ps4. (At this point I would just like to point out that he was 28 at the time). Now yes; he had just had a massive back tattoo done, so I dismissed it and was understanding. But he didn’t try to use that as an excuse at first. No. His first response was that this wasn’t his house (even though he’d pretty much moved in), so why should he spend his valuable time digging up my garden? Yup. This is coming from a guy that constantly spouts shit about being kind to everyone, believes in karma, the universe, agrees with Buddhism and has “warm heart & kind soul” in his bio. Funny that.

Then the jealousy started to come to light. Not just jealousy though. Extreme trust issues. To make it worse, my sexuality is very fluid. I personally could date anyone if I found them attractive and got on with them and enjoyed their company. Male, female, penis, vagina etc. Didn’t bother me. But then I would go through phases where I just didn’t find anyone attractive, mentally or physically. The thought of a romantic and sexual relationship was a huge no to me. But just the fact that I didn’t care about gender was a huge thing for him. It meant he had more than just men to be worried about apparently. Even though I had explained to him that I didn’t go out my way to fuck and date people when I was single, so why on earth would I suddenly start doing it now I’m in a relationship? But it didn’t matter to him. I couldn’t be trusted. Why? Because of my reaction to seeing him when I went to the cinema. A loyal person shouldn’t be that excited to see another guy. Even though I never flirted or tried to get him to come over. Another reason? Because me and my best friend are extremely close, she send half nudes to me so I can say whether they’re good or not, we frequently tell each other we love each other and we peck each other hello and goodbye. He generally didn’t like our relationship. Even though I’ve known her since I was 10. Even though she’s straighter than uncooked spaghetti. Even though I was in a committed relationship to him. Another reason? I’m too friendly and other people might think I’m flirting with them. Honestly I can’t even think of all the reasons. But apparently I come across as a very untrustworthy person. Despite the fact that he was the one liking half naked pictures of girls and general girls selfies over Instagram and other social media. But obviously I was untrustworthy. I work with children, he’d get funny about the dads that would come to pick up. He started to get funny about me making myself look pretty, because who am I trying to look good for? There’s obviously someone. He would constantly look at my phone when I was on it. He’d always ask who I was messaging. He would think that anytime I wouldn’t have him stay over, it’s because I had someone else over. If I went out without him, he’d want to know if I’d bumped into anyone. I saw his friends in town once and he asked how I looked and what was said, then called me a liar because I didn’t give him every detail of the interaction. He was on a stag do, drunk in some foreign country at a pub, and yet he accused me of being a slut and having someone over, because apparently I sounded sexy on the phone. He wanted me to send him a Snapchat of my bedroom to prove that I was alone, then lost his temper when i refused out of principle. Just a whole lot of jealousy and distrust.

As time went on, arguments became intense and verbally abusive. As someone who lived alone for a very long time I became very intolerant to pointless arguments, I couldn’t be bothered. Just give each other space to calm down then move on. But he couldn’t do that. He needed to get it out in the open there and then, then sort it out. But I just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t like that. He thought I was closing myself off and being distant. He didn’t understand that that was how I dealt with things. So he started to say extremely horrible and nasty things to try and get reactions out of me. Sometimes it would work. He would say about my parenting, call me a shit mum and make digs about how I couldn’t even get out of bed for her once and I just used to sleep all the time. He’d bring up my ex and make digs about him and say he understood why he left, I clearly drove him away etc. He’d make digs at my appearance. Even my family at times. He’d throw in my face that my daughter wasn’t his. Sometimes I’d react, sometimes I wouldn’t. He was then start saying ‘well just break up with me then, kick me out’ etc etc. So each time I’d get up and start to pack his stuff, to whilst he would immediately break down in tears, apologise and beg me not to do this. Sometimes he would even refuse to leave and instead tell me to ring the police. He would steal my phone from me and my favourite teddy that ive had since I was a baby to try and get a reaction. He would honestly just become this completely different person. But he’d beg and beg when he’d seen that he’d push me too far. And I would give in because he wouldn’t leave and I just wanted to sleep because I had work the next morning. It was a lot of late nights. Only for him to pull the same shit over dumb shit I don’t even remember the next night. At one point he even told me that he just wanted to fuck me up mentally and emotionally. I had so many screenshots, but he guilt tripped me into deleting them all, which I regret to this day. The things he said were vile. But it wasn’t always shit, we had pretty great times too. Then it would be like a week or two where everything would kick off. But it became this thing where I had to be so careful with everything I’d say or do just incase it triggered him. I had to make up silly little lies about the dumbest shit to avoid an argument. He’d literally try and trap me to cause an argument and kick off. Like with sex. Oh my fucking god. I won’t get started on that yet.

Back to the jealousy though. We ended up going on holiday just the three of us. And obviously you get entertainers on holiday. There were two specific guys though. One was quite small, but very muscular and a lot of the ladies liked him. The other was flamboyantly gay and I found him fascinating to watch. And obviously they worked together. They were in shows together. So when we watched them, if I watched too intently, he would accuse me of having a thing for the smaller guy, and would say I was trying to catch his attention to flirt with him. Even though I’d never said a word to him. Even though it was the gay guy I was watching. But that would cause arguments. He’d storm off.

But in November 2018 I’d finally had enough. We had been arguing loads over the fact that he was extremely jealous yet he’d constantly like other girls photos. And he would purposely do it to trigger me because he knew I’d see it. And there was this one specific girl he would use because I had a past with her where she tried it on with an ex of mine years back when we were together. And at the same party. We’d gone to the cinema to watch the fantastic beasts film. As we were waiting he was on his phone and went on Facebook where he’d suddenly got a notification saying this girl had accepted his friend request and I snapped. I told him I was done. When we got home I packed all his shit and made him leave. And he did. We didn’t speak for a week and during that time I felt so much better. I was happier, I had more patience for my daughter because I wasn’t constantly stressed and tired from arguing with him. I ended up bumping into an old male friend during that week whilst I was in town. He added me on Snapchat. It just so happens that yes I had slept with him previously, but we had also been very good friends until he’d turned into a sleazy fuck boy. He kept trying to get me to fuck him and i was adamant that I had no interest in it. But of course it was all on snapchat so I had no proof of this. Anyway; during the week that we had broken up, my partner had gone away. We had no contact. When he came back i received a message from him saying that I was right, he needed help and he’d booked intensive sessions with a therapist who specialised in anxiety and anger issues. I was still angry and hurt by him, so I had no interest. But it was shortly after that it was my daughters birthday and he’d messaged me asking if he could drop off presents that he had bought her. Stupidly I said yes. He came over when she was in bed as he said he couldn’t cope with seeing her yet. But then we got talking, he told me about his new therapist etc etc. As he was about to leave, he kissed me. I kissed him back. Which was so fucking stupid, because in my head I knew I was better off without him.

We started talking again. But he wanted me to chase him to feel better about himself. So he’d say that we couldn’t get back together. Our families would go mad. We couldn’t get back together because I’d said before hand that I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole and I was happier without him. Basically just making me want him. For some dumb reason it worked. We got back together. He was seeing his therapist. She was doing hypnotherapy on him. It seemed to have gotten better. He’d had the odd loss of control on his temper, but he mastered it pretty quickly. But he would tell me stuff his therapist said and I’d find it odd. Apparently she diagnosed ME with a split personality. She seemed to be very victim blaming. And a small voice in my head said it was clearly because of shit he was saying to her, but I ignored that voice because after all, he was getting help and things were better. And one of the times he lost his temper was because I’d told him about seeing my friend, and he obviously got extremely paranoid about it and I was stupidly honest. But of course he didn’t believe that I’d rejected his offer. It kicked off a lot of arguments, but he got his way as always, and I deleted the guy off of my snapchat. He also stopped staying over as much, but I could never tell him how much I enjoyed my alone time because then he’d get offended.

When we had broken up, I stopped taking the pill because it was giving me low mood, and I wasn’t having sex anymore so I didn’t see the point. Obviously when we got back together we started to be extremely careful because I was adamant that I didn’t want to go back onto it. I didn’t want to sink back into that depression. I was tracking my periods and ovulation and things were going well. Now I would just like to add that throughout our entire relationship he has frequently told me to stop taking the pill without telling him so that I’d fall pregnant. But he didn’t want to know because he wasn’t ready, but he did want a baby with me. He was scared, but he wanted it, but wasn’t ready yet. But anyway, it got to about April time and by boobs started to become very tender. I told him this and he said I was pregnant. I was like nooo I’m not. But I was. And although it was the dumbest thing I ever could’ve let happen, I wouldn’t change it for the world and it was clearly meant to be. He freaked out at first. Badly. I told him that if he didn’t want to be apart of the babies life I would understand. But we figured it out and made it work. Arguments would happen because I expected him to be a lot happier and enthusiastic about it, however he argued that because he had bought his own house now, and given the lack of stability in our relationship and our parents opinions on our relationship, it was hard for him to get excited. As my pregnancy went on, his verbal, mental and emotional abusive tendencies came back. I have lots and lots of screenshots of messages he would send me. They were horrific. He’d comment on my parenting, would specifically stress me out by arguing with me and then claim I was a horrible parent because I was causing our baby stress. He threatened to go full custody on more than one occasion, he also threatened to have nothing to do with the baby on more than one occasion. He would constantly threaten to end the relationship when he would get his own way, then refuse to leave. Then he’d tell me to pack his stuff. Then he’d start begging me to forgive him. He’d accuse me of cheating. Whilst I was pregnant with his baby. He told me he wanted a DNA test because he didn’t believe it was his. He would say absolutely horrible stuff to me, then when I’d be like I’m done texting you, fuck you, fuck off etc, he’d be like oh how nice of you. Even though he’d spent the last 10 minutes calling me an idiot, cunt, slut, shit mum etc etc. He’d cause an argument, push me to my limits, threaten to break up with me then be like ‘am I coming over tonight?’ As if he hadn’t spent the last few texts calling me every name he could think of. He’d be so angry, then he’d calm down and expect me to just forgive him, then when I didn’t he’d go straight back to being angry and abusive. Rinse and repeat. Told me I was making him look like a cunt. That I was malicious and I didn’t give a shit about him. Would tell me to either ‘grow up and end it or be a doormat. To pick it and life with it’ he’d said that me getting in certain types of moods (not wanting to arguing and telling him I wasn’t going to text him) that he thinks I’m capable of anything and that’s why he wanted a dna test. He’d say ‘tbf I’ll just turn up and do what I want, so see you later doormat’. He would make comments hinting that he was going to cheat on me to get a reaction. Oh!! And also; whenever we would break up he woud start messaging other girls for attention, then delete them when we’d get back together because he wouldn’t want me to take something the wrong way and it to cause an argument. Like I genuinely have a gut feeling that he hasn’t cheated on me, but I’m not dumb enough to believe he didn’t flirt like crazy with other people. At one point he tried messaging my sister to blame me for why he wasn’t at my nephews birthday party and legit tried to turn her against me.

And then he started to get physical with me. He’s never hit me. Not yet. He knows that that really is pushing the boundaries and I would straight up leave him and he’d never see me or the kids again. But one night I wasn’t looking at him like he wanted me too during an argument, so he grabbed my arm extremely tight with one hand, and my face with the other, also very tight, to make me look at him. He did the same thing a few nights later. I was heavily pregnant at the time. Another time during the argument I wouldn’t let him upstairs and he said to me ‘if you don’t move I’m going to get physical with you.’ Like straight up threatened me whilst I was heavily pregnant with his kid. I honestly don’t think it’ll be much longer until he does hit me.

There is still so much to write that I am missing, and I’m still not caught up to the current time and place. But it’s 10:50 and I have the school run to do. So I will continue this tomorrow. Goodnight.

#toxic #toxic love #toxic behavior #toxicity #toxic relationship #narcissist relationshio #narcissist #narcism #abusive relationship #emotional abuse #mentally and emotionally abusive relationship #mental abuse #jealousy #jealous #trust issues #manipulation #manipulative #manipulators

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elizabethalexis · 4 years

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I guess the truth is that I existed without him once and I can exist without him again - like this is an empirical truth that I Know - but, despite the pain and the struggle, I still like my life with him in it more than I liked my life without him. february aside, when he is focused on caring for a providing for himself, when he is centered and focused on his recovery, he is an incredible human to share a life with. he has taught me more about recovery, about healing, since october, impressed more upon me, than virtually anyone else in my life outside of grace or my dad or my therapists. I have dared to imagine a life for myself in which I’m no longer afraid to no longer inhibited from taking the big swings that will open the doors to the rest of my life. a life in which I am a whole and complete person, who is genuinely happy and self-sustaining. the resources that he’s given me, the focus he’s instilled in me, his advocacy for my own personal well-being and health, are invaluable to me. at our best it has been a gift and a joy to walk alongside him, to care and be cared for by such an incredible specimen of a man. but again, the truth I suppose is that those instances where I’ve felt us to be truly in sync, truly partners, truly and fully trusting of each other and vulnerable with each other and caring for each other, have become rarer and rarer lately. I don’t know why, exactly. my first instinct is to put a lot of the responsibility of my own shoulders - losing my job was hugely detrimental to my mental health, to my self-esteem, to the order and structure of my life, and I’ve been floundering somewhat ever since, applying to jobs I hate only to turn them down when they offer me the position. in many ways I feel like things would be drastically different right now if I was working, if I had friends and a support network outside of him - two things that I have and continue to work on daily. he has become the sole repository for my needs here in town, and that’s an unfair and immense burden to level on anyone. I know how relationships go when that’s the case, I don’t need to repeat the past to be reminded of it. on the other hand, I have also delved very deeply into school, and with his support I’ve dedicated myself to my studies in a way that I haven’t in over half a decade, and strangely enough I’m starting to see this dedication to school manifesting in ways I never imagined - I’m able to work more, to focus more, to write better, and small gifts from the universe have been rolling in weekly, almost like a confirmation that yes, this what I should be doing, yes, this is the path I am meant to be on. but that path feels genuinely incomplete without him. I think of afternoons spent sitting in the sun on the roof of his apartment complex, playing storytelling games and being gentle and warm with each other. I think of taking a bath with him, the two of us reading in the warm water, and him telling me about his relationship with Von. we have been talking about taking a weekend away from the city together too, something I’ve only dared to dream about from time to time. his presence in my life has brought incredible peace and joy and productivity. but it is also true that we have been struggling lately. my mental health, despite doing as much as I can manage to sustain and nourish it, has been feeling the crushing weight of school more and more lately. my outlets for joy have been rare, and I very often find myself putting the responsibility for a week’s worth of happiness on our weekends together. which is inherently unfair to him and irresponsible for myself. it’s one thing to simply address my needs and responsibilities day in and day out - it’s another thing to thrive, and traditionally my relationship patterns find me following this same structure; ‘my’ life is a miserable grindstone but it’s ‘fine’ because I have a partner who ‘makes’ me happy. a life can exist like that for a time, for a week, from time to time, but consistently over the stretch of months? no. I would be lying if I didn’t say that some significant amount of my discomfort on saturday came from this at-the-time-only-barely-touching-my-consciousness sense that I wanted to be having fun and I wanted to be having fun with him and why didn’t he care about my need to have fun?? when I hadn’t even made it clear to myself or to him that I was feeling a deep need for fun. I think what made Tri and I’s relationship so manageable for so long was that we had needs that almost always moved in sync with each other - we wanted to eat, to dance, to see friends, to rest, almost always at the same time, in the same way. that major dissonance in that relationship came from my inability to adequately express my needs and Tri’s inability to meet them - a pattern I find myself in again. and I recognize that this time around it’s very much a shared problem - he struggles to manage both himself, his own needs, and meeting mine as a partner. he is inherently deeply selfish, and seems to carry this belief that he can only give as a partner when all of his own needs are perfectly met, which isn’t true. it’s a view of reality that’s been shaped and established by his prior relationship trauma and is being perpetuated by fear. and it makes sense that this would be a rising issue right now - he’s fucking miserable at his office, and his recovery has been suffering because of it (and also because of the issues between he and I). I know how fucked my own head and heart feel right now - I can only imagine how he’s doing. and then to find out that he didn’t eat yesterday until 5pm because “he’s an addict” - I am worried that he’s spiraling, devolving into himself and his worst instincts. I find myself wondering if it wouldn’t be better for him to be alone right now, unburdened from the responsibility of consideration. and everyone is telling me that our relationship as it stands now isn’t good for me, and a part of me is inclined to agree - when shit like this happens it utterly derails me and my life, I become nearly incapable of caring for myself, addressing my own needs and responsibilities, much less wants. my codependency blows my life up in front of my face, but I find myself entirely tangled about what the best path forward is. should we take some time apart? spend a couple weeks without seeing each other, or perhaps even speaking to each other? or should we move in the reverse, and take a weekend away together, diving into intimacy? should we just cut our mutual losses and decide to end the relationship? should we try couples therapy or a couples workbook? should we start his intimacy workbook? I’m so at a loss for how to move from this state that we’re both in. I wish I could talk to him, see what he thinks. I don’t want to lose him from my life, and I hope that he is capable of seeing my value and merit and the merit of having me in his life. I hope we can work through this together, and set things right between us.

#personal #J

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yadaily · 6 years

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Analee, In Real Life by Janelle Milanes

Review by: Paige

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

I received this book for free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

Publication: September 18, 2018 from Simon Pulse

*OwnVoices for Latinx Rep*

Ever since her mom died three years ago, Analee Echevarria has had trouble saying out loud the weird thoughts that sit in her head. With a best friend who hates her and a dad who’s marrying a yogi she can’t stand, Analee spends most of her time avoiding reality and role-playing as Kiri, the night elf hunter at the center of her favorite online game. Through Kiri, Analee is able to express everything real-life Analee cannot: her bravery, her strength, her inner warrior. The one thing both Kiri and Analee can’t do, though, is work up the nerve to confess her romantic feelings for Kiri’s partner-in-crime, Xolkar—aka a teen boy named Harris whom Analee has never actually met in person. So when high school heartthrob Seb Matias asks Analee to pose as his girlfriend in an attempt to make his ex jealous, Analee agrees. Sure, Seb seems kind of obnoxious, but Analee could use some practice connecting with people in real life. In fact, it’d maybe even help her with Harris. But the more Seb tries to coax Analee out of her comfort zone, the more she starts to wonder if her anxious, invisible self is even ready for the real world. Can Analee figure it all out without losing herself in the process?

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There’s nothing I love more than a fake dating novel. Nothing. And when I tell you that this one is incredibly special, heartwarming, unique, and moving, I mean it. The story follows Analee, a socially-awkward sixteen year old who spends most of her time online playing video games and trying to devise a way to make her online crush like her back. Still reeling from her mother’s death and losing her best friend, Analee is in the process of not only trying to figure out her own person, but also watching her family stretch and change, what with her father getting married to a new woman soon. Right when Analee thinks things can’t get any harder, enter Seb, the soccer-star-most-popular-boy-in-school who suggests to Analee that they should fake date in order to get back what they both need the most. And from there, things spiral.

What I loved the most about this book was how integral the family elements were. Watching Analee try to navigate the complicated process of adjusting to new family dynamics while still feeling such a deep connection to the old ones was far more emotional than I ever expected it to be. By the end, I was literally weeping. But even though grief is at the forefront of this novel, it never once overpowers all the lighthearted, romantic elements. In fact, it just serves to enhance them. And it was surprisingly hilarious, too! The rapport between all of the characters felt so natural, and made relating to them so easily even when their situations were so unique.

But oh, Seb and Analee. I love how gently he coaxed her out of her shell, and how you could see her slowly change and adjust to her new life, her new self. And even though I was so irritated that Analee was so resistant to Seb’s kindness at first, and how she struggled to see that his feelings for her were so genuine, their relationship was so endearing, built on trust and honesty that you don’t often see in fake dating. There was no easy solution to Analee’s feelings, and honestly, there shouldn’t have been. This book was real, through and through, and I could not have appreciated it more.

My only real issue that I have with this book is that there was a little bit too much hatred of stereotypical femininity for my liking. I understood why, but it was constantly pulsing in the background of the story, even when it wasn’t obvious that it was happening. There were also not a lot of actual video game elements to this story. For me, that’s a great thing. For others, maybe not so much.

Overall, I could not have adored this novel more. It was such an incredible take on fake dating, and if you think you’ve seen it all before, this book proves you haven’t. If you’re looking for a good cry, I promise, you’ll be weeping tears of happiness, sadness, and emotions-you’ll-never-be-able-to-name for half an hour over this book. I know I did.

#analee in real life #janelle milanes #simon pulse #bookish #booklr #paigesreviews #reviews

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what-is-yeet · 6 years

Text

Partners Against Crime

Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

request: Can I you maybe write a angst one where Peter cheats on the reader and then the reader gets taken by a villan, and he has to save her? Cheesy, I know. Thanks!

warnings: swearing, kidnapping i guess, ANGST

this is my first angst, so its pretty bad

special thanks to @softboy-holland for helping me with the villan’s name

You slammed the door behind you, and everyone immediately knew something was wrong. You stomped your way to the kitchen where Bucky and Steve stood, chatting about who knows what.

"Hey, kiddo, what's with all the loud noises? Something happen at school?" Bucky sipped his water and cocked an eyebrow. You made your way to the fridge, trying to ignore him.

"You know, if you are having a hard time with people at school, you can just tell people that you're a Stark, and you live with the Avengers. That should shut them up." You huffed and slammed the tub of ice cream on the counter.

"Thanks, Steve, but I think that would make it worse." You started rummaging around the cabinets for a bowl. "I'm fine, really."

"No you aren't, Y/N" Pepper appeared in the doorway. You focused on scooping the ice cream, knowing that Pepper's expression would not help your situation.

"What makes you think that?"

"First of all, its 50 degrees out, and you're scooping a giant bowl of ice cream. Most of the time that means your heart was broken." You stop scooping, defeated. Pepper walks over to you and lifts up your chin so you were eye-to-eye. "Did something happen with Peter?"

You broke at his name. A sob escaped your lips, you didn’t want to break down in front of everybody. Even though everybody was only Steve and Bucky, who were basically family. But now you couldn’t stop thinking about it. You wrapped your arms around Pepper, and she rested her chin on your head.

"Steve, Bucky, go get Tony." She ordered over your sobs. The thought of having to explain what happened with Peter to anyone, especially your dad, was unbearable. You still couldn't believe what happened.

"Hey, Stark, you're dating Penis Parker, right?" Flash asked, turning around in his seat to face you.

"Yeah, and please don't call him that. Why are you asking?" You were done with Flash's bullshit.

"He was caught kissing Theresa in the library this morning." Flash smiled mischievously. "Sorry, sweetheart!"

No. No, that couldn't be real. It was Flash you were talking to, after all. He makes everything up. You still sat there, in shock. Peter would never kiss another girl behind your back. You had just seen him in the library before school, right before you left to go to class. Peter stayed behind to put some books away, and it was just him, Stan, Corey, and...Theresa. Fuck. You remembered you were hesitant to leave because Theresa was a known admirer of Peter. But you guessed Peter would be smart enough not to do anything. Guessed wrong, apparently.

"Y/N, hey, can we talk for a second?" God, his voice. You dodged him, trying to walk into class, but he blocked you.

"Peter, let me in. I don't...I don’t want to talk to you right now." He sensed something was up, mostly by the choke in between words.

"You heard, didn't you." Peter's shoulders and head dropped, and for a second you felt bad for him, this obviously hurt him, but still. You were sure it hurt you more.

"Heard what? That you kissed fucking Theresa in the fucking library? Of course I heard! It's everywhere! I can't walk down the fucking hallway without people whispering!" You yelled at the boy.

"Y/N, can you just hear me out, it's not what you think--" Peter interrupted you.

"Not what I think? Then what is it, Peter? What is it? I thought I could trust you to be alone with that bitch, but apparently not. You broke my fucking heart, Peter Parker. Never talk to me again." You walked past him, into the classroom, where everything was silent, everyone trying to listen to the fight between what used to be the happiest couple in school.

"Y/N...wait." Peter's voice was weak, and quiet. You turned to face him, tears pouring down both of your faces.

"Don't. Fucking. Talk." You growled, and took your seat.

By the time you replayed the day, your dad ran to the kitchen, and he caused so much commotion, that most of the team had followed him down from whatever they were doing. When he saw you standing in front of the little island, bawling in Pepper's arms, ice cream melting on the counter, he knew someone might die. And it was probably whoever hurt his daughter. He knew she could fend for herself, and at this point probably beat him in battle, but he couldn't take it, seeing his daughter like this.

"Y/N...Y/N, please look at me." You turned to him, your makeup smudged and running down your face, your eyes trying to focus on your dad and not the rest of the team standing awkwardly on the sidelines, not sure what to do. "Oh...no. No, no, no. Y/N, tell me who did this."

"P-Peter..." The tears had stopped, but the heartbreak hadn't. The room went silent, no one dared to breathe.

"How? Y/N, what did he do?" Tony was furious. He loved the kid, but how could he break your heart?

"He...um...he..." You could barely bring yourself to say it, it hurt so bad. "HekissedTheresainthelibrary!"

Your dad threw up his hands and kind of looked up at the sky for a second, and rolled his neck to the side.It was accompanied by chatter from the rest of the team. 'Well, fuck.' 'That’s worse than I thought' 'are we talking about the same person?' 'poor girl' etc, etc.

"I'm sorry, I can't take this." You whisper as you pack up the ice cream and put it in the freezer. "I'm going to sleep over at MJ's house, that should take my mind off things." You grabbed your purse and a coat and headed to the door. "Bye, guys. Love you."

"Wait, Y/N, do you need me to drive?" Happy offered. You didn’t even notice him enter the kitchen.

"Nah, I'm gonna bike. Exercise will probably help. Thank you, though." And you were gone.

On the way to her house, you decided you would surprise MJ with some snacks. You parked your bike outside a gas station and came out 10 minutes later with a bag full of junk food. You were struggling with the lock when you felt a hand cover your mouth. You tried to scream for help, but the strangled sounds were blocked by the hand, another one quickly bringing a cloth to meet your lips and nose. You tried to scream once more, but then it all went dark.

What the fuck is happening...you looked around at your surroundings, expecting and abandoned warehouse, but soon figured out it was a library basement. There were boxes and shelves everywhere. You twisted around, trying to see more. You were tied to a chair. Expected. An Edison lightbulb hung by your head, unlit. Expected. Nothing blocking your mouth. Unexpected. You had seen enough action movies to know all the tropes.

"Why am I here?" You called out to no one, or no one you could see. The lightbulb flicked on. "Fuck," you replied to the blinding light, distancing yourself the best you could.

"You're just here so that I can get my hands on your little boyfriend, Spider-Man." A figure emerged from the shadows, revealing a tall, dark-skinned man who looked to be about 32.

"He's not my boyfriend anymore." You didn't want to think about it, still.

"Well, shit. I'm sorry. Uh...do you think he'd still show up?" The man seemed genuinely concerned.

"Yeah, yeah probably. He's always talking about how he's the 'friendly neighborhood Spider-Man' so..." You really did not want to talk about Peter right now.

"Sorry, touchy subject, probably." You nodded your head. The man pulled a chair up to the table you were seated at. "I already contacted him and told him where you are...now all we have to do is wait."

"Um, you're actually really nice for a bad guy." You said, wondering why this sweet dude was capturing teenagers. Actually, don't think about it too hard. It gets weird.

"It’s the family business, as the only child, I couldn’t step down. But it's fun once I get past the guilt." He extended his hand. "I'm Solar Flare."

"I, uh, can't shake..." You nodded to the rope. "I'm a little stuck." He nodded, got up, and untied your hands.

"I think it's okay if you go, Spidey thinks you're here." He said when you were free.

"Nah, I wanna see how this plays out." Odd. You went from not wanting to even think about Peter to wanting to watch him fight someone. For your safety, of course. That could be a contributing factor.

After a few games of cards and half a round of the Game of Life, there was a knocking at one of the windows, threatening to break. And it did. Peter practically flew inside, donning his suit equipped with advanced technology. And Karen, too. You smiled at the joke.

"Y/N! Good, uh, good to see you!" Peter was nervous to see you, especially after what happened earlier that day.

"Don't." Your smirk was replaced by a death stare, telling Peter now was not the time. He turned to Solar Flare.

"Who, uh, who are you?" He stuttered. Solar Flare turned to Peter and smiled evilly. Or what he assumed was evil.

"Solar Flare. And you must be Spider-Man. I've heard a lot about you." He pressed a button and a line of red fire raced to Peter's feet.

"No, wait!" You yelled, standing up as Peter emitted a list of profanities. "Peter! Get out of the way! Peter!" Peter ran away from the fire, the feet of his suit burnt.

"Y/N, can I just explain what happened today?"

"I don't think this is really the right time, Peter." You let out a scream and jumped to the side as another line of fire shot between the two of you.

"Y/N, listen, it wasn't my fault!" The boy pleaded.

"Peter!" You snapped. "There are more important things to do right now! Like fight this dude!"

"Right! Right." Peter jumped up and kicked the guy in the chest. "You know, Y/N, I am a multitasker."

"Peter..." He stood up behind the fallen man, hands on his hips, proud of himself. "After you left, Theresa came up to me and asked me if we had any homework in English. Which doesn't even make sense because we're in different grades and have different teachers."

"Uh...Peter..."

"I know, sketchy, but I told her I didn't know because we had different teachers, and she was like, 'I like your shirt' which also doesn't make much sense,"

"Peter..."

"And I was like thanks and then she kissed me, and I immediately pulled away because I'm dating you, Y/N, and I only have eyes for you, and I said to her, 'That's really not cool, you know I have a girlfriend.' And she said she didn’t care and,"

"Peter!"

"Anyways, if you don't believe me, ask Corey."

"No, Peter, I believe you, just, turn around!" You pointed behind Peter, and before he could even turn around, a blast of light pushed him to the wall, slamming his body against it hard. "Peter!" You screamed. "That's my boyfriend!" You growled at the man, starting towards him.

"I though you said he wasn't your boyfriend anymore." He smirked. He thought he outsmarted you.

"Turns out he was the nice one here, and you were the lying asshole." You ran up and kicked Solar Flare in the face. While he was holding his probably broken nose with his hands, you kneed his groin, and kicked the back of his knees and he fell to the ground. You ran over to Peter.

"Peter! Peter, wake up!" You screamed. He didn't move. "Peter! Don't fucking die! Don't you dare!" You screamed, tears started to fall down your face. You checked for his pulse. Still there. Thank fucking God. "Peter, please wake up!" You were bawling by now, even though you knew he was alive. "Peter! I need you to wake up! Wake up!" You pulled him up, still unconscious, and put his arm around your shoulder to carry him over to Solar Flare. You grabbed his free hand with yours and hoped that the web fluid would work. You placed his fingers in the position and hoped and hoped and hoped. When you opened your eyes, the man was stuck in place by the web. You collapsed Peter into a chair and whipped out your phone to call the police.

"Hey." You almost whispered when Peter woke up the next day in the hospital. You were sitting on the side of his bed, holding his hand. Your smile warmed the room.

"Hi. I'm uh, sorry about Theresa." He frowned. Unsure if you forgave him last night or not.

"Thanks. Um, I'm not mad anymore, now that I know the story. I did get Corey to confirm, though." You both awkwardly half-laughed.

"What happened last night?" Peter asked. He couldn’t remember anything past slamming into a wall for no reason.

"I'm still trying to figure it out. Well, Solar Flare slammed you into the wall with some sort of energy. I kicked him unconscious. You didn't wake up, no matter how loud I screamed. It was horrifying, Peter. I had to carry you over to Solar Flare and use your web shooter on him. Never do that again." You looked into his brown eyes, which were watching your lips spell out last night's occurrences.

"Never do what again?"

"Kiss someone else, even if you didn't initiate it. Almost die. You know, things that decent people don’t do to their partner." You shrugged, then bent over, silently laughing. Peter loved your silent laugh. The way your eyes crinkled at the side, and your smile was so wide you could see your gums.

"Partners in crime." He whispered.

"Partners against crime." You corrected him.

And that's when he kissed you.

ahhhh that was really bad oops. im disappointed in myself, but i dont know why i expected anything more :)

#peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #angst #spider-man #oof this is bad

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