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jcmarchi · 5 months

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Nora Petrova, Machine Learning Engineer & AI Consultant at Prolific – Interview Series

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Nora Petrova, Machine Learning Engineer & AI Consultant at Prolific – Interview Series

Nora Petrova, is a Machine Learning Engineer & AI Consultant at Prolific. Prolific was founded in 2014 and already counts organizations like Google, Stanford University, the University of Oxford, King’s College London and the European Commission among its customers, using its network of participants to test new products, train AI systems in areas like eye tracking and determine whether their human-facing AI applications are working as their creators intended them to.

Could you share some information on your background at Prolific and career to date? What got you interested in AI?

My role at Prolific is split between being an advisor regarding AI use cases and opportunities, and being a more hands-on ML Engineer. I started my career in Software Engineering and have gradually transitioned to Machine Learning. I’ve spent most of the last 5 years focused on NLP use cases and problems.

What got me interested in AI initially was the ability to learn from data and the link to how we, as humans, learn and how our brains are structured. I think ML and Neuroscience can complement each other and help further our understanding of how to build AI systems that are capable of navigating the world, exhibiting creativity and adding value to society.

What are some of the biggest AI bias issues that you are personally aware of?

Bias is inherent in the data we feed into AI models and removing it completely is very difficult. However, it is imperative that we are aware of the biases that are in the data and find ways to mitigate the harmful kinds of biases before we entrust models with important tasks in society. The biggest problems we’re facing are models perpetuating harmful stereotypes, systemic prejudices and injustices in society. We should be mindful of how these AI models are going to be used and the influence they will have on their users, and ensure that they are safe before approving them for sensitive use cases.

Some prominent areas where AI models have exhibited harmful biases include, the discrimination of underrepresented groups in school and university admissions and gender stereotypes negatively affecting recruitment of women. Not only this but the a criminal justice algorithm was found to have mislabeled African-American defendants as “high risk” at nearly twice the rate it mislabeled white defendants in the US, while facial recognition technology still suffers from high error rates for minorities due to lack of representative training data.

The examples above cover a small subsection of biases demonstrated by AI models and we can foresee bigger problems emerging in the future if we do not focus on mitigating bias now. It is important to keep in mind that AI models learn from data that contain these biases due to human decision making influenced by unchecked and unconscious biases. In a lot of cases, deferring to a human decision maker may not eliminate the bias. Truly mitigating biases will involve understanding how they are present in the data we use to train models, isolating the factors that contribute to biased predictions, and collectively deciding what we want to base important decisions on. Developing a set of standards, so that we can evaluate models for safety before they are used for sensitive use cases will be an important step forward.

AI hallucinations are a huge problem with any type of generative AI. Can you discuss how human-in-the-loop (HITL) training is able to mitigate these issues?

Hallucinations in AI models are problematic in particular use cases of generative AI but it is important to note that they are not a problem in and of themselves. In certain creative uses of generative AI, hallucinations are welcome and contribute towards a more creative and interesting response.

They can be problematic in use cases where reliance on factual information is high. For example, in healthcare, where robust decision making is key, providing healthcare professionals with reliable factual information is imperative.

HITL refers to systems that allow humans to provide direct feedback to a model for predictions that are below a certain level of confidence. Within the context of hallucinations, HITL can be used to help models learn the level of certainty they should have for different use cases before outputting a response. These thresholds will vary depending on the use case and teaching models the differences in rigor needed for answering questions from different use cases will be a key step towards mitigating the problematic kinds of hallucinations. For example, within a legal use case, humans can demonstrate to AI models that fact checking is a required step when answering questions based on complex legal documents with many clauses and conditions.

How do AI workers such as data annotators help to reduce potential bias issues?

AI workers can first and foremost help with identifying biases present in the data. Once the bias has been identified, it becomes easier to come up with mitigation strategies. Data annotators can also help with coming up with ways to reduce bias. For example, for NLP tasks, they can help by providing alternative ways of phrasing problematic snippets of text such that the bias present in the language is reduced. Additionally, diversity in AI workers can help mitigate issues with bias in labelling.

How do you ensure that the AI workers are not unintentionally feeding their own human biases into the AI system?

It is certainly a complex issue that requires careful consideration. Eliminating human biases is nearly impossible and AI workers may unintentionally feed their biases to the AI models, so it is key to develop processes that guide workers towards best practices.

Some steps that can be taken to keep human biases to a minimum include:

Comprehensive training of AI workers on unconscious biases and providing them with tools on how to identify and manage their own biases during labelling.

Checklists that remind AI workers to verify their own responses before submitting them.

Running an assessment that checks the level of understanding that AI workers have, where they are shown examples of responses across different types of biases, and are asked to choose the least biased response.

Regulators across the world are intending to regulate AI output, what in your view do regulators misunderstand, and what do they have right?

It is important to start by saying that this is a really difficult problem that nobody has found the solution to. Society and AI will both evolve and influence one another in ways that are very difficult to anticipate. A part of an effective strategy for finding robust and useful regulatory practices is paying attention to what is happening in AI, how people are responding to it and what effects it has on different industries.

I think a significant obstacle to effective regulation of AI is a lack of understanding of what AI models can and cannot do, and how they work. This, in turn, makes it more difficult to accurately predict the consequences these models will have on different sectors and cross sections of society. Another area that is lacking is thought leadership on how to align AI models to human values and what safety looks like in more concrete terms.

Regulators have sought collaboration with experts in the AI field, have been careful to not stifle innovation with overly stringent rules around AI, and have started considering consequences of AI on jobs displacement, which are all very important areas of focus. It is important to thread carefully as our thoughts on AI regulation clarify over time and to involve as many people as possible in order to approach this issue in a democratic way.

How can Prolific solutions assist enterprises with reducing AI bias, and the other issues that we’ve discussed?

Data collection for AI projects hasn’t always been a considered or deliberative process. We’ve previously seen scraping, offshoring and other methods running rife. However, how we train AI is crucial and next-generation models are going to need to be built on intentionally gathered, high quality data, from real people and from those you have direct contact with. This is where Prolific is making a mark.

Other domains, such as polling, market research or scientific research learnt this a long time ago. The audience you sample from has a big impact on the results you get. AI is beginning to catch up, and we’re reaching a crossroads now.

Now is the time to start caring about using better samples begin and working with more representative groups for AI training and refinement. Both are critical to developing safe, unbiased, and aligned models.

Prolific can help provide the right tools for enterprises to conduct AI experiments in a safe way and to collect data from participants where bias is checked and mitigated along the way. We can help provide guidance on best practices around data collection, and selection, compensation and fair treatment of participants.

What are your views on AI transparency, should users be able to see what data an AI algorithm is trained on?

I think there are pros and cons to transparency and a good balance has not yet been found. Companies are withholding information regarding data they’ve used to train their AI models due to fear of litigation. Others have worked towards making their AI models publicly available and have released all information regarding the data they’ve used. Full transparency opens up a lot of opportunities for exploitation of the vulnerabilities of these models. Full secrecy does not help with building trust and involving society in building safe AI. A good middle ground would provide enough transparency to instill trust in us that AI models have been trained on good quality relevant data that we have consented to. We need to pay close attention to how AI is affecting different industries and open dialogues with affected parties and make sure that we develop practices that work for everyone.

I think it’s also important to consider what users would find satisfactory in terms of explainability. If they want to understand why a model is producing a certain response, giving them the raw data the model was trained on most likely will not help with answering their question. Thus, building good explainability and interpretability tools is important.

AI alignment research aims to steer AI systems towards humans’ intended goals, preferences, or ethical principles. Can you discuss how AI workers are trained and how this is used to ensure the AI is aligned as best as possible?

This is an active area of research and there isn’t consensus yet on what strategies we should use to align AI models to human values or even which set of values we should aim to align them to.

AI workers are usually asked to authentically represent their preferences and answer questions regarding their preferences truthfully whilst also adhering to principles around safety, lack of bias, harmlessness and helpfulness.

Regarding alignment towards goals, ethical principles or values, there are multiple approaches that look promising. One notable example is the work by The Meaning Alignment Institute on Democratic Fine-Tuning. There is an excellent post introducing the idea here.

Thank you for the great interview and for sharing your views on AI bias, readers who wish to learn more should visit Prolific.

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barbarewjohnson · 1 year

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The Top Influencer Marketing Trends to Look Out for in 2020

Influencer marketing is a growing industry with many businesses trying to find new and innovative ways to utilise this form of marketing. 2020 is set to see even more growth in the sector, with businesses big and small turning to influencers to help them promote their products or services. Here are some of the top influencer marketing trends that you should look out for in 2020.

One trend that is set to continue growing in 2020 is nano-influencers. These are social media users with a smaller following than traditional influencers, but who nonetheless have high engagement levels with their followers. Businesses are beginning to realise that working with nano-influencers can be just as effective as working with bigger names, but often at a fraction of the cost.

Another trend that looks set to take off in 2020 is cause-related Influencer Marketing. This involves teaming up with an influencer who promotes causes that align with your business values. For example, if you’re a sustainable fashion brand, you might work with an influencer who promotes environmental issues on their platform. Not only will this help raise awareness for your brand, but it will also show your customers that you care about more than just profits.

Finally, one trend that we predict will become increasingly popular next year is ‘micro-influencing’ – deploying multiple micro-influencers across different channels rather than relying on one or two mega/macro-influencers . Micro-influencing allows businesses to reach specific target audiences through niche platforms and provides greater flexibility when it comes to budgeting and tracking ROI.

The Top 5 Influencer Marketing Trends of 2021

In recent years, influencer marketing has become one of the most popular and effective ways to reach audiences. As we move into 2021, here are the top five trends that you need to know about:

1. Increased focus on authenticity and connection: In a world where everyone is constantly bombarded with messages and ads, audiences are craving authentic connections with brands and influencers. They want to see real people living real lives, not perfectly curated images or contrived interactions. This trend will continue to grow in 2021 as brands and influencers strive to create more genuine relationships with their followers.

2. More diverse types of influencers: We’re seeing a shift away from traditional celebrities and towards “micro-influencers” – everyday people with smaller but highly engaged followings. Brands are starting to realize that these micro-influencers can be just as (if not more) effective than big names when it comes to reaching their target audience. Expect to see more diversity in the types of influencers being used in marketing campaigns in 2021.

3. Greater use of AI and other technology: Technology is already playing a major role in influencer marketing, from AI-powered tools for finding relevant influencers to social media monitoring platforms that help track campaign performance. In 2021, we expect this trend to continue as marketers look for new ways to use technologyto improve their outreach efforts and measure ROI .

4 . Softer sales approach : Pushing too hard for a sale can turn off potential customers, so we’re seeing a move towards softer selling techniques within influencer marketing campaigns . Instead of tryingto cram products down people’s throats , brands are using subtlety and creativityto weave their products

How to Create an Effective Influencer Marketing Strategy

As a business owner, you are always looking for ways to improve your company’s bottom line. Marketing is one of the most important aspects of any business, and it is constantly evolving. With the advent of social media, there is a new avenue for marketing that didn’t exist before: influencer marketing.

What is influencer marketing? Influencer marketing is when businesses use social media personalities to promote their products or services. This type of marketing can be extremely effective, but only if it is done correctly. There are certain influencer marketing trends that you need to be aware of in order to create an effective strategy.

The first trend is identifying the right influencers for your brand. It isn’t enough to simply find someone with a large following on social media; they need to have an engaged audience that will be interested in what you have to offer. In addition, they should be aligned with your brand values and target market.

The second trend is creating content that resonates with your audience. The content you create should not only be interesting and informative, but it should also reflect the voice and style of your chosen influencers. It should also include calls-to-action (CTAs) that encourage people to check out your product or service.

Finally, you need to measure the success of your campaign so that you can make adjustments as necessary. Keep track of things like engagement rates, website traffic, and sales conversions so that you can see what’s working and what needs improvement.”

The Benefits of Influencer Marketing

There are many benefits of influencer marketing. First, it helps you to reach a wider audience with your message. second, it allows you to build relationships with potential customers and third, it can help you to increase your brand awareness.

Influencer marketing is one of the most effective ways to reach out to new audiences and promote your product or service. With influencer marketing, you can connect with people who have a large following on social media and get them to promoting your business for you.

One of the biggest advantages of using influencers to promote your business is that they already have an existing relationship with their followers. This means that when they endorse your product or service, their followers are more likely to listen and take notice. Additionally, because Influencers typically have a high level of engagement with their fans, this can lead to increased traffic and conversions for your website or online store

The Rise of Micro-Influencers in Influencer Marketing

The rise of micro-influencers in influencer marketing has been one of the biggest trends in the industry over the past few years. And it’s not hard to see why.

Micro-influencers are more relatable than celebrities, and they have much smaller audiences, which makes them more affordable for brands. But most importantly, they have high engagement rates with their followers.

So it’s no surprise that brands are turning to micro-influencers to promote their products and services. If you’re thinking about using micro-influencers in your next influencer marketing campaign, here are a few things to keep in mind:

Authenticity in Influencer Marketing: Why It Matters

As we enter a new decade, “influencer marketing” is one of the hottest buzzwords in the advertising world. But what does it really mean? And why should you care?

At its core, influencer marketing is all about authenticity. It’s a way to connect with your target audience through relatable, real-life people who they already follow and admire.

This approach is especially effective in today’s social media-driven world, where audiences are bombarded with generic advertising messages on a daily basis. By partnering with an influencer who shares your brand values, you can cut through the noise and reach your customers in a more personal, authentic way.

What’s more, influencer marketing is incredibly flexible – there are no hard-and-fast rules or one-size-fits-all approaches. You can tailor your campaigns to fit your specific goals and target audience. And as social media continues to evolve, so too will the opportunities for innovative influencer marketing campaigns.

So if you’re looking for a fresh way to connect with your customers authentically in 2020 and beyond, keep an eye on this growing trend!

Measuring the Success of Your Influencer Marketing Campaign

1. As the world of marketing changes, so too do the ways in which we measure success. In recent years, influencer marketing has become an increasingly popular way to reach consumers – and it shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. But what does it mean to have a successful influencer marketing campaign? And how can you tell if your campaigns are on trend? Here’s everything you need to know about measuring the success of your influencer marketing campaigns.

2. When it comes to influencer marketing, there are a few key metrics that you should always keep an eye on. The first is engagement rate, which measures how often people interact with your content (likes, comments, shares, etc.). Engagement rates can vary depending on the platform you’re using – but generally speaking, higher engagement rates are better.

Another important metric is reach, which indicates how many people see your content. Once again, reach will differ depending on the platform – but ultimately, you want as many people as possible to see your content. After all, one of the main benefits of influencer marketing is that it allows you to reach a larger audience than you would through traditional methods such as paid advertising.

Finally, conversion rate is also crucial when assessing the success of your influencer marketing campaigns. This metric measures how often people take a desired action after seeing your content (such as clicking through to your website or making a purchase). A high conversion rate means that people are responding well to your content and are more likely to take actions that benefit your business – so this is definitely something worth keeping an eye on!

Conclusion

As we move into 2020, influencer marketing trends are moving away from traditional celebrities and towards everyday people. This is because brands are starting to realize that their target audiences are more likely to trust someone who is like them, rather than a celebrity who is paid to endorse a product.

Some of the other top influencer marketing trends to look out for in 2020 include working with micro-influencers, using user-generated content, and focusing on authenticity. By keeping these trends in mind, you can create an influencer marketing strategy that will help your brand reach its goals in the new year.

The post The Top Influencer Marketing Trends to Look Out for in 2020 appeared first on SwiftCreator.com.

https://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png https://swiftcreator.com/influencer-marketing/the-top-influencer-marketing-trends-to-look-out-for-in-2020/

https://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png https://swiftcreator.weebly.com/swift-creator/the-top-influencer-marketing-trends-to-look-out-for-in-2020

#experience supplying #administrative support #complex schedules #budgeting #multiple projects #Excel

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christophermraerdon · 1 year

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The Top Influencer Marketing Trends to Look Out for in 2020

youtube

The Top 5 Influencer Marketing Trends of 2021

In recent years, influencer marketing has become one of the most popular and effective ways to reach audiences. As we move into 2021, here are the top five trends that you need to know about:

How to Create an Effective Influencer Marketing Strategy

The Benefits of Influencer Marketing

The Rise of Micro-Influencers in Influencer Marketing

The rise of micro-influencers in influencer marketing has been one of the biggest trends in the industry over the past few years. And it’s not hard to see why.

Authenticity in Influencer Marketing: Why It Matters

As we enter a new decade, “influencer marketing” is one of the hottest buzzwords in the advertising world. But what does it really mean? And why should you care?

At its core, influencer marketing is all about authenticity. It’s a way to connect with your target audience through relatable, real-life people who they already follow and admire.

So if you’re looking for a fresh way to connect with your customers authentically in 2020 and beyond, keep an eye on this growing trend!

Measuring the Success of Your Influencer Marketing Campaign

Conclusion

The post The Top Influencer Marketing Trends to Look Out for in 2020 appeared first on SwiftCreator.com.

https://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png https://swiftcreator.com/influencer-marketing/the-top-influencer-marketing-trends-to-look-out-for-in-2020/

https://ifttt.com/images/no_image_card.png https://swiftcreatorcom.wordpress.com/2022/12/12/the-top-influencer-marketing-trends-to-look-out-for-in-2020/

#computer scientist #experimental roboticist #university of denver #assistant professor #computer sci

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anquer · 1 year

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AI generated art stealing from artists is bad but I would also like to say that the handful of broke people using AI to create art of their OCs because they can’t affort commissioned art are not the people we should be yelling at.

It’s important to encourage people to buy from artists, and I do agree that those who can afford commissions should absolutely do that before turning to AI art, but I just don’t think those who can’t afford commissions can be blamed for using AI. Other options are available, such as picrew, but they just aren’t as good as AI at getting specific details and mood into the art as well. While AI often doesn’t do exactly what we had in mind, it does generally produce nice results that have much more character to it than picrew art can.

I mainly stand behind those people because

1. they are not the core issue. I don’t know any numbers, but I’m willing to bet that the number of people getting their OCs drawn by AI rather than getting then commissioned from an artist (because they literally cannot afford commissions!!) is very small.

2. I am still broke myself, and while I now have the skills to draw my own OCs, I remember what it was like a few years ago to be absolutely penniless, with no real drawing skills yet, and yearning for quality art of my OCs.

In my (perhaps unpopular) opinion, we should rather focus this energy towards encouraging people with money to buy commissions and being loud enough that perhaps in the future, AI art can start moving into a more ethical direction somehow. Because another fact is that now that we are starting to have quality AIs available, they’re not going to go away. What that means for artists is nothing good, but hating on the broke who don’t know how to draw themselves is stupid.

And honestly? In my opinion, going forward, a bigger problem than those broke people using AI for a few portraits of their OCs will be all the big companies using AI for things like the art in their marketing campaigns, the whole visual style of everything, all of their graphic design in general, even stuff like storyboarding and comics once AI gets advanced enough. Articles and blogs might replace photographers with AI-generated photos if the photos don’t have to be from a real event. If we start getting AIs that are capable of producing coherent video too, a lot of jobs in all video-making industries will be lost. AIs are already writing some articles, and who knows if in the future it’s the majority of news and articles that are researched and written by AI rather than humans? Perhaps AI can even learn how to write best-selling books and that leads to publishing companies taking in less and less human works because the perfect AI doesn’t need editors, royalties, OR months (or even years) of time to finish the story.

Now, I’m obviously hoping that AI will be used to support creative work rather than destroy it, but in this capitalist world, I don’t have high hopes. That’s why I think yelling at the broke who make a few OC portraits for themselves using AI is dumb. They aren’t the cause of this and they really won’t have an impact on the art industry or the future of AI.

(However, someone with enough money to pay for art opting to use AI instead? Yikes.)

#rambling #AI art #ai art debate #idk how to tag this exactly but yeah just wanted to give my thoughts as a fellow artist who also happens to be broke too #this is aimed at no one in particular though #98% of the talks I’ve seen has been very polite and obviously everyone is entitled to an opinion #and also if someone has money and they use ai art as their main thing….yikes #but ive also seen people be annoyed with people who cannot afford commissions for using ai art #and like #these people are not your enemy #they are just happy to finally get their hands on something they have never been able to get before #something important too #because it is pain to have OCs you love but never be able to see them as you picture them in your heads #I will allow those broke people a few AI portraits and I will be happy for them #unethical or not

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steffensennsssimon · 2 years

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How Does AI Data Collection Work In Relation To Machine Learning Models?

Data collection is a vast area. It's a method of collecting data specific to a model to aid AI algorithms make better choices and take autonomous, proactive actions.

It's pretty simple, isn't it? However, there's more. Imagine Conversational AI as a kid, unaware of how subjects work. To teach the child how to complete assignments and make calls, it needs to first learn the concepts. This is what datasets in AI Data Collection can achieve, by working as the foundation for models that we can draw from.

Types of Datasets that are relevant to AI Projects

While it is fine to incorporate a large amount of data into relevant datasets not every dataset is designed to be used in a model. This isn't the case, since there are three main dataset categories you need to be aware of before you search for relevant insights.

Training Datasets AI datasets are used primarily to develop algorithms, and then eventually the model. 60% of the data is used to develop algorithms, and then the model.

2. Test Datasets It is essential to test the model's understanding of the principles using test data. But, since ML models have been given massive amounts of training data that algorithms are expected to be able to recognize at the time of testing, test datasets should be completely different and out of sync with the expected results.

3. Validation sets After the model is tested and taught After the model has been trained and tested, validation sets are needed to ensure that the product is in line with the expectations of all parties.

What are the best strategies to use for AI Data Collection? Now that you are aware about the various kinds of datasets It is crucial to come up with a strategy to create AI Data Collection an accomplishment.

Strategy 1: Discover the Avenue There's no bigger issue than not knowing where to start for your predictive models. After the R&D team has created the visual model It is crucial to plan a strategy that goes beyond the concept of data hoarding.

For starters, it is advisable to rely on open datasets, particularly those provided by reputable service providers. Be sure to only feed relevant information to the models, and to keep the your model's complexity to a minimum especially when you are just beginning your journey.

Strategy 2: Articulate Establish and Review After you have established the source of your data After you have identified the source of your data, it's time to identify the predictive elements of the model. This is where data exploration becomes a reality and you have to choose an algorithm that could be suitable for your system. There are four choices: clustering and classification Regression, ranking and classification.

Next, set up data collection systems. The most likely choices are Data Lakes and Data Warehouses. ETL is another option. Finally Better data labeling is also a good time to verify the quality of your data by determining its the adequacy, balance, or absence of balance, as well as any technical errors in the event of there are any.

Strategy 3: Formatting and Reduce It is normal to validate, test, and train your models using information from various sources. It is essential to prepare your models in the beginning to ensure consistency and to establish an operating range.

Next, you must reduce datasets to make them functional enough. But wait, isn't endless data reserves necessary for the development of intelligent models. Well, it is but when you plan to focus on specific tasks reduction of data using attribute sampling, is the way to go.

Strategy 4: Feature Creation This is a good idea when dealing with particulars such as data annotation or conversational AI. It is crucial to include many clear and simple data in your model. But, it is also important to ensure that features that are unique are developed in a unique way to make them easier to understand.

Strategie 5 Scale and Discretize At the point you arrive at this point, you should have collected the data relevant to your needs that makes sense. There is still a need to adjust the scale of data to improve quality, and then discretize the data in order to make predictions more precise.

Wrap Up Data Collection isn't a straightforward procedure. It requires a lot of experience, and sometimes the help of expert and skilled data engineers and scientists. When it comes to preparing computer vision models using images and video data collection or NLP systems that incorporate text and speech information collection the companies should be focused on connecting with well-known service companies for data collection outsourcing as soon as possible.

#information collection

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years

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we are our family, even if we don’t want to be.

Titans 3.07

a bit over halfway through the season, and we still don’t have all of our main characters on the board! i love this show.

as always, typing this up as i watch. live reaction, baby! *shadowboxes*

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. i don’t think i’ve mentioned this before, but i kinda miss the old ‘dc universe’ intro. it was cool! the whole idea of it was wild and waaaaay over-ambitious, but also very very on-brand because of it.

2. this is... the third time we’ve seen dick sleeping this season? that’s a record! checking another thing off my s3 wishlist...

2.5. i guess i rag on titans all the time for its wafer-thin plotting and bad pacing, but i have to admit that this season has been a step-up from the last one in this regard. titans has very reactive rather than proactive protagonists, and a lot of the last season seemed to be: x happened, the team reacted badly, then y happened, they reacted badly, etc. this time around, it’s not a huge leap up by any means, but at least they’re doing something about it.

i do appreciate the focus on character arcs over everything else. and when i say everything else, i mean it: arcs that started two seasons ago with no big cathartic moments, intermittent payoff and multiple relapses. big bads have ranged from interdimensional demons to superpowered assassins to whatever in the world scarecrow is, but trigon’s big weapon against the titans was to... use their worst fears against them. slade’s was to... use their fears to break them up. crane’s is to... use red hood to use their fears to break them up. even the threat of gotham’s citizens being in danger doesn’t feel real: gotham is mythologised into an entity of its own, infecting our heroes like a parasite. like. this is not to say that most other superhero media aren’t big character arcs intertwined with the main plot, but titans doesn’t even make pretend that it’s anything but.

anyway. that’s my entry #2345 to ‘give a grand unifying theory for titans’. thanks. i’ll be back with more.

3. “anger is just fear in a little black dress.” god I HATE HIM

(what’s he doing with barbara’s likeness? oh... oh god. a terrible thought just occurred to me. what if they introduce hush at the very last minute for plastic surgery shenanigans? would you put it past this show?)

3.5. jason, nooooooooo

3.75. i mean, they’re making it very clear here that scarecrow is the one in control--the one who’s always been in control--and is manipulating jason and literally poisoning him, but i hope it doesn’t end up erasing nuance or jason’s autonomy. if jason’s to reckon with the issues that brought him here, then the lines of responsibility will need to be set somewhere.

(this applies to dick as well but more on that later, i guess.)

4. just--the phrase “40% loss of income” is so funny to me. like, gotham is full of these larger-than-life characters who are idiosyncratic beyond belief, colourful and dramatic and creating chaos just for the sake of chaos, and then there’s the regular criminals and their henchmen who just want to make a quick buck sitting down with pie charts and graphs, griping about the joker reducing their returns or debating high risk investments in, i don’t know, two-face’s next scheme.

“yyyyeeeeeaaah, my financial advisor is telling me that going all-in with a guy who literally makes decisions on the flip of a coin is probably not the greatest idea.”

4.5. god i hate smug!smarmy!scarecrow so much

4.85. as big plans to “control” gotham go, it’s pretty bog-standard. clearly scarecrow has some bigger plan in mind but it really feels like we’ve got no clear insight into him and he’s this generic creepy mystery-man who knows more than he lets on and springs a twist/cliffhanger every now and then. i liked the scenes with him and dick in 3.04 where it seemed like he was genuinely on the backfoot and things weren’t going as he predicted. for all of his faults, dick is at least familiar with scarecrow’s bullshit and knows not to give what he wants.

5. i mean... i see where dick is coming from with the “he’s not jason anymore; he’s red hood” because his immediate glaring concern is scarecrow’s drug and the damage it could potentially cause gotham? i do not doubt that it’s something batman drilled into him, too, but when you’re expected to take point on a situation where the lives of an entire city weigh down on your shoulders, it’s better to simplify things and prioritise. i’m not saying it’s great or healthy! gar is absolutely right to consider this facet of the situation. it’s just dick can’t.

6. hmmmmmmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

i don’t know that i’m super fond of this iteration of oracle???? it looks like a cross between cerebro from x-men and jarvis from iron man. it’s giving me second-hand embarrassment. somebody help me.

(at least they remembered dick’s middle name is actually “john”. i like to think bruce printed D in that contract because for a while he genuinely thought richard “dick” grayson was his full name. duck duck goose, dick dick grayson, i don’t know alfred, the kid was in a circus, maybe they thought it was funny. or maybe it was a test in anger control, who knows.)

6.5 “maybe you two would like some time alone?” even AI can’t help hitting on dick grayson in this universe.

“oh mr grayson, if i only had another eye to see you better...”

6.8. on one hand, it’s a bit disconcerting that the title of ‘oracle’ has gone from barbara herself to this gigantic machine; from my impression of the comics-verse, barbara had an extensive computing and surveillance system, true, but she was very clearly the brains behind the operation. on the other hand, i’m kind of glad that the ethical boundaries that this kind of surveillance violates is a sticking point for barbara. (tho let’s be real, the nsa would kill to have this in their arsenal).

6.9. also it’s now obvious that scarecrow’s big plan is to take control of oracle itself. it’s why he had lady vic take that picture of her eyes, or why he’s meddling around with it on his computer.

6.95. if only i could ‘command sleep’ anybody overstepping their boundaries re: personal information...

7. “you can just sit back and watch as the titans destroy themselves.” i mean... he’s not wrong

8. “dick’s parents were killed by a criminal mob; he won’t work with them.” it’s wonderful that you have this insight into dick, kory, i just wish we could’ve watched some of these conversations actually happen on-screen.

8.5. i’m glad that kom’s being treated with such nuance and understanding, though it’s obvious that she definitely has a Plan of her own. (and did i entirely imagine her ability to mimic other people flawlessly at the end of s2? or is that going to come into play at some point?) i think her story has the potential to be genuinely poignant, and in a universe where being Different, either because of mental health or physical differences or whatever else, leads a straight line to Evil, it’s important to acknowledge and then emphasise that the mere fact of your existence as a Different Person doesn’t predispose you to evil. maybe your act of destroying a system that has destroyed you and not scrambling to “fit in” is only evil as defined by that system.

8.8. “you’re trespassing, i should call the authorities, i feel unsafe.” now this is a villain lady who’s definitely aware of her privilege.

8.85. kom smirking knowingly at her sister is everything.

“oooh that’s the kory i remember”

9. conner and dick working together woo!

9.25. god i hate a villain who’s always just a step ahead, no matter what. so crane anticipated dick using oracle to track his personal communications and set him up? how did he know when exactly dick would get to do this? how long did he have that poor man tied up in that van?

(the “save me, grayson” is a nice touch, tho. send dick spiralling even further! because if there’s one thing dick will do, it’s take responsibility for every goddamn thing that goes wrong.)

9.5. ahem. i’m going to need a million gifs of conner yeeting dick across that yard, fandom, thankyouverymuch.

(i understand conner is invulnerable to explosions, but how do his clothes survive??)

9.8. oooh crane is already in oracle! i’m just sitting here laughing helplessly because they’re overpowering this goddamned guy so much. he can build a lab in arkham’s basement! he has access to lazarus puddles! he has minions working across gotham, including a fully functional chemical laboratory staffed by chemists who only answer to him! he has the crime families of gotham quailing in his very presence! he has assassins at his beck and call! he’s enough of a manipulative bastard to have red hood under his thumb! and now he has enough of a tech know-how to not only be aware of oracle, but know how to hack into it! i’m sick of exclamation marks! i’ll shut up now!

9.95. dick leaving behind that smouldering grave for a person he failed to save without taking a second to process how he feels about it and running towards his next plan to corner scarecrow: a microcosm of where his head’s at right now.

10. really hammering in the themes of this season, aren’t we.

10.25. the interesting thing is the titans repeatedly call themselves a family this season (none more so than dick) and while that found family has helped encapsulate and put away their traumatic experiences with their ‘original’ families, it’s meant that they’ve not really dealt with those issues. and dick and gar and jason come from ‘found families’ of their own: they are twice removed, traumatised two times over. they still cling to this identity however, and because of it they’re losing each other. a family isn’t static. it’s an ever-evolving dynamic and you have to put in work constantly to keep it healthy.

10.5. anyway, that’s entry #2346. i’m here aaaalll night.

11. lookit gar the detective! half-transforming and using his powers to deduce things! what a hero! i’ve said this for a long time, but gar is the bedrock of this team, and an unsung one at that.

11.25. i’m confused about him calling this room jason’s though. it seems to me that this is dick’s room that jason later used, and one that dick’s using now. so the unmade bed isn’t really jason’s fault; dick was woken by barbara that morning, and in his hurry, he left without making his bed.

(it still confounds me that bruce didn’t find jason another bedroom in that gigantic mansion of his. you really didn’t give this kid a chance, did you?)

12. oh well. so much for the oracle.

13. ... sorry, wait. you didn’t think i wasn’t going to address the bit with dick right now, did you?

12.5. i honestly don’t think it’s very complicated: dick’s been reeling from one traumatic thing to the next, and just when it seemed like at the beginning of the season, he felt happy and secure with his team and his place in the world, bruce ups and leaves gotham to him, specifically naming him a successor and calling him a ‘better batman’. he’s lost garth and jericho and donna and jason and now hank and dawn. he’s not even sure where rachel is or what she’s doing. after being told that batman was a psychopath for moulding him into a weapon, he’s also been told that his failure to be a ‘better batman’ lead to further disaster. of course he’s going to get batman-goggles. of course he’s going to be a prick.

12.8. i don’t know what to say. i feel his frustration acutely. i don’t think he should’ve said what he said to barbara (can people stop pushing her around this season????) but that pressure to step in where your parent fails? to clean up their messes and try to think like them? to fall into habits drilled into you when you developed them as coping mechanisms growing up? I FEEL THAT.

every step he’s taking he’s putting 110% of himself in it and scarecrow’s still playing mindgames with all of them: i absolutely feel his desperation to take control of that game and turn it on scarecrow, no matter what it takes.

and he did apologise almost immediately, and finally--finally--actually works with barbara.

12.9. again, not excusing him! but i get it. and i think that’s a sign of great character writing.

“did you know i just reminded emmram of all of her daddy issues? what the fuck????”

12.95. i love that dick&barbara, kory&kom, and gar are all approaching solving this mystery from different angles, each as valid as the other. also, conner is there as... emergency bomb defuser man?

13. it’s like all fancy rich people in fancy rich houses do is pour fancy rich alcohol into fancy rich glasses on pristine, untouched tabletops. i wonder what it’s like to live like that.

13.25. I KNEW IT! poor michael. it was nice knowing you.

13.5. man, kory is contending with a lot of issues that she’s successfully bottled up and compartmentalised until now. the cold reality that a child can seek out their parents as refuge and they can view the child as a piece to be moved in a greater game (never out of cruelty, though, never, and somehow that makes it worse), that truth of blackfire’s treatment on tamaran because she’s different, and her own culpability in what happened. she exchanged one family for another, after all, and left that family to die and her sister to suffer. like dick, like gar, kory’s being forced to reckon with what the titans are meant to be, the larger implications of creating their found family in their own space.

14. it’s probably because it’s one in the morning and i’ve had two glasses of wine but i did not follow that bit of exposition at all and victor freeze??? what?

anyway. look at them solving things! together! go team!

“you made a deal with the mob?” oh the sense of betrayal on his face! fuck off, dick, your issues aren’t kory’s.

15. conner is really sweet and a bit of an awestruck crush on kom is to be expected. especially after that power rangers-esque transformation (i say this as a former huge power rangers fangirl. i’ve seen every series until 2007 including the original japanese versions and written fanfic for all of them. so i love a cool costume transformation, is what i’m saying.)

also?

FUCK YEAH

16. i love the gotham crime families just chillin’ around eating ice cream. I LOVE THEM

16.5. that was a fun fight sequence, if marred slightly by that bit of awkward flirting between conner and kom. i wonder if she’s really planning to use him in a larger scheme to get kory back to tamaran, or maybe something else.

16.75. so i’m assuming that scarecrow has jason either so paralysed by fear that he can barely move, or jason’s withdrawing from the drug that he’s been sucking in every few minutes.

17. it’s nice to see them chill after a successful mission! and it can be awkward, but conner’s crush on kom and him striving to impress her is also, well, uh... cute.

17.5. i guess the dick/barbara scene was inevitable, especially given the... unresolved nature of their relationship in the flashbacks? and they’ve been through a rollercoaster together this episode, discovering and then destroying an incredible tool within a matter of hours, re-discovering just how well they work together as a team. dick’s swimming in the nostalgia. i don’t expect it to last as a long-term relationship, but i totally get why this is happening now. and hey, they’re cute!

i have a weeeirrrrd feeling that kory is going to leave to tamaran at the end of the season and that dick and kory will rekindle--or rather realise--their relationship just before that. it’s going to be devastating and beautiful and painful and i will be writing essays about it which would be me just wailing into the screen.

18. gar found molly!!!!!!! MOLLY’S BACK! \o/ gar is the BEST

19. that was a fun episode! i love this silly show, even if it does destroy me sometimes <3

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #dick grayson #barbara gordon #koriand'r #komand'r #garfield logan #jonathan crane #conner kent #a byronic cupcake #badass strawberry truffle #manic pixie pop tart

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hale-13 · 3 years

Text

Airway

By Hale13

For the Summer of Whump Day 29 Prompt - Control

The only real drawback of the current iteration of his suit, Peter thought, was its lack of air filtration. With the tools and workshop space that Mr. Stark provided him with Peter was able to make a Spidey suit that was top of the line in every aspect except for the ventilation; for all intents and purposes Peter was really just breathing through high tech spandex. The tightly woven fabric did, minimally, protect him from inhaling smoke and other harmful chemicals but not enough.

Words: 2407, Chapters: 1/1 (complete), Language: English

Fandoms: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)

Rating: Gen

Relationships: Peter Parker & May Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, May Parker, Bruce Banner

TW: Medical Procedures, Panic

Read on AO3 or below the line break.

Which is what landed him in his current situation of sitting with his mask pulled up to the bridge of his nose and an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth as he took shallow, wheezing breaths.

The apartment fire that he had responded to still had a surprisingly large number of people stuck in hard to reach places that left Peter exposed longer than he would have liked. His throat felt like it was on fire and his lungs felt tight the way they used to feel when he had an asthma attack. The fire fighter that had passed him the oxygen mask earlier crouched down in front of him with a worried look on her ash stained face.

“I still think you should let us take you to the hospital,” she said worriedly as she adjusted the flow of oxygen. Peter shook his head..

“I’m good,” he croaked, trying not to wince at just how destroyed his voice sounded and display as much confidence as he could. She still looked dubious.

“Is there anyone you can stay with tonight?” She pressed. “You shouldn’t be alone just in case.”

“I’’ll be okay,” he promised, removing the oxygen mask and pulling his own down to cover his face. It immediately became harder to breathe and he regretted giving up the clean air but he knew if he didn’t get out of there soon he would have a much bigger problem. “Thanks for the help!” He called as he swung out, his breathing becoming more labored as he webbed away.

His HUD fizzed out for a second before directing to the Tower and Peter rolled his eyes at Karen but obliged. May was working a late shift and Peter did feel pretty shitty. It probably wouldn’t hurt to hang around the Tower with its fully stocked and staffed MedBay for the evening. He had to stop a few times on his way to catch his breath but he made it to the landing pad with few issues.

“You stink,” Tony greeted him as he walked in, pulling his ashy mask off his face and letting it drop on one of the many end tables. “You committing arson now?”

“Ha ha,” Peter said hoarsely with a slight cough as he ventured into the kitchen to Fran a bottle of water to gulp down. Tony narrowed his eyes over his cup of coffee in judgement and concern.

“Karen said they put you on oxygen,” he said accusingly and Peter groaned and dropped his forehead to rest on the cool counter top, taking aborted breaths through his mouth. The smell of smoke still on his suit was making it hard to take deep breaths in.

“Only for a couple minutes,” Peter answered, coughing again and taking another swig of water.

“Go take a shower,” his mentor ordered. “Leave your suit in your room and I’ll send it down to FRI for deep cleaning although at this point it might be worth it to just toss it and start again from scratch.”

“But I just broke it in,” Peter whined, trudging off to the room Tony had set aside for his use. He may be right though – smoke was a notoriously hard stench to get out of fabric.

The hot water felt heavenly on his skin and Peter spent probably too long under the strong spray but, unfortunately, his chest still felt tight and heavy when he got out. He paused in front of the mirror, trying to take deep, even inhales and he squinted his eyes in confusion. He had helped out on a few burning buildings and had never felt this way before. Deciding he probably just needed some rest, Peter left the bathroom and joined Mr. Stark back out in the common room.

He only got about halfway through his soup and an episode of The Office before he passed out, head leaned back against the cushions.

——————————————

The room was lit only by the glow of the projector when Peter woke up unable to breathe.

He gasped and flailed as he woke up, smacking Mr. Stark in the face and causing him to yelp as he tried to inhale through what felt like a straw. “Lights up to fifty,” Mr. Stark barked out and Peter snapped his eyes closed against the blue-toned overhead lights snapping on over him. “Fuck Peter,” his mentor said, scrambling of the couch and scooping Peter up in his arms.

Peter felt dizzy and his vision was spotted with black dots as he was carried to the elevator. He could hear his mentor yelling something but couldn’t comprehend what was being said as he lifted one shaky hand up to clutch at his, now swollen, neck and he could feel panic bubbling up in him.

‘Don’t black out,’ he told himself as he tried to calm down and even out his breathing. ‘It’s fine. You’re fine.’

“Bruce!” Tony shouted as he deposited Peter on, what must have been, a bed in one of the exam rooms in the Tower MedBay. “He can’t breathe!”

An oxygen mask was shoved over Peter’s face but it did little to help him but he gripped it with a weak hand anyway, gasping into it and squinting his eye open. “Hey Peter,” Dr. Banner said in his usual calm voice, raising the bed up so Peter was sitting and grabbing a light and a tongue depressor. “I need you to open your mouth for me.”

Peter shakily nodded and dropped the mask to open his mouth, gagging on the tongue depressor and swaying a little at the loss of the little oxygen he was getting. Bruce swore and placed the mask back over Peter’s face, pressing a blue button on the wall and lowering Peter back to lie flat. “His airway is closing!”

“What!” Tony said, panicked and grabbing Peter’s hand to squeeze as the room burst to life with medical professionals. A nurse grabbed him and bodily pulled him from the room as he yelled for answers. Peter could feel his own panic bubbling up in his gut but he also felt like he may pass out and didn’t have the energy to explore it.

“Peter,” Bruce said firmly and calmly from directly above him as a nurse cut off his shirt and another placed an IV catheter in his arm. “Your throat is full of soot from the fire earlier and is causing your trachea to swell and close. We’re going to knock you out so we can place an endotracheal tube to help you breathe. It’s going to be jarring when you wake up later but it will be okay. I need you to trust me.”

Peter could feel tears welling up in his eyes and spilling over his face from the stress and effort but didn’t get a chance to respond before his muscles relaxed like wet clay and his vision spun into darkness.

——————————————

“I’m on my way,” May Parker’s wet voice said through the phone as Tony paced up and down the hallway outside the room where the medical staff was working with Peter. “God Tony fuck!” She said, sounding out of breath as if she were running.

“Happy’s on his way to get you,” Tony promised her, trying to control his own racing heart and tensed nerves. “He’ll be there in ten minutes and he’ll get you back much faster than the bus. I’ve got him May. I promise I’ve got him.”

May let out a sob into the phone and Tony felt his heart clench. “If anything happens to him,” she said and Tony nodded. He knew. He understood.

“Just focus on getting here safely,” he told her as he stopped to stare at Peter’s door. “I’ll let you know when I hear something.”

“The very second you find anything out,” she told him firmly before hanging up the phone. Tony rubbed a hand over his face and dropped into one of the chairs that were spaced throughout the hall, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and closing his eyes.

Waking up to Peter panicking, pale and with blue lips was probably going to be in the top five worst experiences of his life and would definitely haunt his nightmares for weeks to come. Bruce hadn’t told him anything before ordering him removed from the room and his imagination was, most likely, worse than anything that was happening to Peter but he didn’t do well not knowing what was going on.

“Update FRI?” He asked his AI hopefully, tapping on the comm link he kept in his ear basically all of his waking hours.

“Sorry boss,” she said remorsefully. “Mr. Parker’s condition is classified.”

Tony’s stomach knotted further and he stood back up to pace again, unable to sit down and needing to work out his restless energy as he waited for an update on the kid. About fifteen minutes of nail biting later, Bruce slipped out of the room and gestured to Tony to sit back down.

“He’ll be okay,” he started out, making Tony sag in dizzying relief. His throat was filled with soot from the fire earlier and it caused his trachea to swell closed. We knocked him out to place an endotracheal tube until the swelling went down but it was already to severe so we had to perform a cricthyrotomy to establish a viable airway instead.”

Tony felt the blood drain from his face and he felt a little faint. “Talk to me like I’m an idiot Bruce,” he said, desperate and hoping it wasn’t what he thought it was. “I need you to lay it out for me.”

Bruce looked worried and reached out a hand to grab Tony’s wrist to take his pulse. “I need you to calm down,” Bruce said firmly. “Yes, this is scary but Peter is fine. With his healing abilities he’s going to make a full recovery and he’ll probably be back on his feet in just a couple days alright? Peter is out of danger but it isn’t going to help his recovery if you have a heart attack okay?”

Tony nodded, making a concentrated effort to do his four-seven-eight breathing and calm down. It took a couple minutes but Bruce was patient. “Better?” He asked and Tony nodded, gesturing with his hand for the other scientist to continue. “We had to make a small incision in Peter’s neck and trachea and insert an endotracheal tube through that incision since his upper airway was too swollen to allow it to pass. He is able to breath on his own with this in but we have him on supplemental oxygen just to support him. He is on a ventilator just to give his lungs a chance to recover but he can breathe on his own – its just supplemental alright? We’ve started epinephrine and steroid therapy to reduce the swelling and we’ll probably be able to remove the tube in twenty-four to thirty-six hours.”

“He’s okay though?” Tony asked a little desperately. “He’s fine?”

“Yes Tony,” Bruce told him with an indulgent smile. “He’s okay and he’ll make a full recovery.”

“Can I see him?” He asked, staring at the closed door.

“In a few minutes,” Bruce promised. “The nurses and respiratory therapists are getting him settled but then you can go in. Do you want to call his aunt and I can update her in the meantime?”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed, passing his phone over to Bruce and feeling his muscles unclench just the smallest amount.

The kid was okay.

———————————————

Peter woke to the clicking and popping of artificial air and immediately panicked at he felt his chest rise and fall against his volition and he grasped at the loose gown resting over him before a gentle hand took his and pulled it away. “Hey kiddo its alright, you’re okay. You can breathe the machine is just helping a little.”

Peter cracked his eyes open and made eye contact with his mentor who was seated beside him. May was loosely gripping his hand on the other side, her head resting next to his arm on the bed and soft puffs of air hitting his skin as she slept. The machine clicked again and it took everything in Peter not to fight it. Tony ran his fingers over his knuckles in a soothing gesture.

“We’re going to have to work on your suit,” the man said with a little smile. “It’s getting a full respirator and oxygen tank. It’s going to be a challenge since its so sleek but I think, between the two of us, we can figure it out.” Peter let his brows furrow in confusion and Tony sighed. “Your throat closed up because of the smoke,” he said. “You’re going to be fine though.”

The ventilator clicked again and Peter squeezed his eyes shut and tried to keep calm. He had never done well with loss of control and he could feel his Spidey sense making his hairs raise and his adrenaline spike. He wanted to panic but the artificial breaths wouldn’t let him and it just made it so much worse.

“Hey hey,” Tony said soothingly, rubbing his free hand through Peter’s hair in a calming gesture. “It’s alright.” He gave Peter a considering look then hesitantly offered: “Want me to have them put you out?”

A thrill of relief shot though Peter and he squeezed his mentor’s hand in desperation as he pressed the call button. Peter couldn’t see the nurse but he heard Tony ask for the sedation like he was underwater, not calming until he could feel the cool rush of drugs in his veins.

“I’ve got you buddy,” the man said, a thumb rubbing over Peter’s cheekbone once before settling back in his hair. “You just check out for a while.”

The darkness was welcoming as Peter fell into it; feeling safe with his aunt and mentor watching over him.

#summerofwhump #summerofwhump29 #Prompt: Control #irondad #spider man #Summer of Whump 2021

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bamfdaddio · 3 years

Text

X-Men Abridged: 1969

The X-Men, those dino-obsessed mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(X-Men 52 - 63) - written by Arnold Drake, Roy Thomas, Linda Fite and Don Heck, drawn by Werner Roth, Barry Smith, Tom Palmer and Neal Adams.

step aside, Wall-E, these Sentinels have nothing on your range of emotions (X-Men 59)

When we last left our X-Men, they were smack-dab in the middle of a big, convoluted plot! Let me refresh your memory:

The X-Men had to beat a hasty retreat;

Polaris had joined her father Magneto

Magneto was injured;

Iceman had quit the team because he still had faith in Polaris;

Eric the Red appeared, making overtures towards Magneto.

And the whirlwind continues! The X-Men (sans Iceman and Cyclops) sneak back into Magneto’s base! Eric the Red reveals himself to be Cyclops! They set a trap for Mesmero! Which is sprung by the wayward Iceman! But he has pertinent information! Lorna is not Magneto’s daughter, she’s just an orphan! Bobby (hilariously) has the papers to prove it!

magneto has now fucked up the relationships he has with all of his children before any of them knew he was their father. mad props (X-Men 52)

Lorna breathes a sigh or relief, glad that she doesn’t have to be evil anymore. (Because obviously, evil is hereditary. And even though she keeps sensing everyone’s ‘evil vibrations’, she stayed with Magneto out of her own volition. SO.) Without Polaris’ power to back them up, Magneto and Mesmero flee.

After this, the X-Men come back to live at the mansion again. No muss, no fuss. Roy Thomas, who’s returning to the book, wastes very little time undoing some stupid decisions made last year. In fact, 1969 has a pretty strong showing, with plotlines flowing almost naturally into one another, a bigger cast and the introduction of one of my favourite villains. It’s pretty palatable.

The one snag is a superfluous issue where the X-Men fight Blastaar and Jean kills someone. (Never comes up again, don’t sweat it.) I wouldn’t even mention it, were it not for this moment where Jean uses some super duper mind machine:

does this remind you of... anything? no? just me then (X-Men 53)

So, anyway, remember Scott’s beloved brother Alex?

i love that jean is all smiles about scotts terrible and all-encompassing ability to repress everything (X-Men 54)

I can sort of understand why that whole third Summers brother was such a huge secret for so long, considering Alex was not even kept a mystery and it still took SIX YEARS for him to be revealed.

Alex is barely introduced before he gets the old plot-bat to the face, getting mixed up in a fight when some pharaoh claims all mutants are pharaohs, being children of the Sun? Apparently, all of them are powered by cosmic rays i.e. the sunlight. Alex is kidnapped, as is Cyclops, and just as Cyclops ponders how happy he is that Alex is not a mutant despite him having the X-Gene, he is attacked by the pharaoh and Alex saves his brother using newly minted energy powers! Oh, the irony.

when I say that I want Alex to wear his old costume, I obviously mean this sexy Egyptian skirt-ensemble (X-Men 55)

Alex and the pharaoh are apparently two sides of the same coin, being charged by the same cosmic rays: when one waxes, the other wanes. The pharaoh locks Alex away in a tomb, cutting him off from those sweet, sweet sunbeams and taking all the power for himself. Like a Power Ranger villain, he grows in size and becomes… the Living Monolith! The X-Men take him down while Alex accidentally blows up the Living Monolith’s temple.

Alex, afraid of his own power, flees into the desert and is apprehended by… the Sentinels?! Surprise, bitch! Lorna is also abducted by them out of her New York apartment. Their next victim is Iceman, and they deliver him to… Larry Trask! (Son of.)

My favorite thing about Sentinels is that, despite the fact that they are objectively huge, they are still able to sneak up on people. Apparently, these murderous periwinkle toaster ovens are so quiet, you only notice when they rip open a roof to get at you. (X-Men 59)

Larry Trask hates mutants because:

They killed his father;

He’s a racist.

Determined not to repeat the sins of his father, Larry has a helmet with which he can use to take direct control of the sentinels, so hopefully they won’t rise up and rebel this time. Somewhere, Asimov is rolling his eyes.

On live television, Larry Trask baits Iceman into attacking him, trying to smear him and mutantkind in general. In the mean time, the Sentinels strike everywhere, taking Unus, Angel, Banshee, the Living Monolith… Even Wanda and Pietro. It´s a literal who´s who of sixties mutandom! The only exempt ones are the Changeling and Magneto, the latter only because he’s been a robot for a while now. Mesmero is just as shocked by this unnecessary retcon as we are.

Just as Larry orders the Sentinels to kill every mutant in the compound (including Bobby, Lorna and Alex), a family heirloom is ripped off his neck. Apparently, this medallion was some kind of protection: the late Bolivar Trask knew little Larry was a mutant and tried to hide this fact from the Sentinels.

The Sentinels turn on Larry faster than you can say “Is being betrayed by AI a hereditary trait?” The X-Men intervene and, after unleashing the might of Havok, they end up in a debate with the Sentinels, turning their own logic against them:

Protecting humans is more important than killing mutants.

So, to protect humanity, they must destroy the cause of mutation.

The Sentinels promptly launch themselves into the sun. Neat.

On a side note, the relationship between Jean and Scott is shelved for now? It seems like they’re dating, but also not? It’s such weird storytelling, especially because their annoying will they or won’t they has gotten so much focus in the past and the relationship between Lorna and Bobby is crystal clear:

Scott. Jean. Is it really going to take Chris Claremont to DTR you two? Fuck’s sake (X-Men 60)

Because Havok’s powers still threaten to overwhelm him, the X-Men contact a former colleague of Professor X… Professor Lykos.

Let me tell you about the sheer, amazing sixties wonder that is Professor Lykos. Originally, Thomas envisioned him as a vampire, but the Comics Code forbade vampires. So, instead, Lykos ends up a human who was bitten by a magical pterodactyl at a young age and who can only survive by draining other people’s life force. He can also hypnotize people into doing his bidding.

Yes.

Lykos suspects mutants might be the cure to his strange, strange ailment, and begins to drain Alex. But to his (and our) sheer delight, he turns into a pterodactyl!

I just love this damn idiot so much (X-Men 60)

Be like Sauron! Choose evil!

The X-Men barely figure in this plot. Ordinarily, I’d be bothered by the fact that these three issues are more about the villain than the heroes, but given that it’s Sauron, I’ll let it slide.

See, Sauron’s tale is a tragic one. Not only is he a weird pterovampire, he is also in love with a sweet girl whose father forbids him from seeing Dr. Lykos, because he is… poor! Gasp! (Those billionaires, not even a doctor is good enough for their daughters.) Sauron, slightly corrupted by his dino-side, realize that it’s a lot easier to just kill Tanya’s father than to impress him by robbing banks for cash.

When he attacks the man and sees the reaction of his star-crossed lover, Lykos realizes Sauron is far too much in control. Sauron is too evil! Lykos/Sauron promptly flees to a cold, distant region, the same place where he got bitten all those years ago, figuring he’ll stay in isolation and starve himself of the human energy he needs. But, just as he is utterly ravenously out of his mind, Tanya finds him! In order to protect her, Sauron sacrifices himself by throwing himself off the mountain… straight into the Savage Land..

The X-Men (sans Angel) follow him into the Savage Land. (It’s unclear why? To retrieve his corpse? Annoyingly, in the next arc, Sauron is not brought up again.) There, they run into Ka-Zar, who’s embroiled in a fight with… prehistoric mutants?

Angel, meanwhile, follows the X-Men in their footsteps, only to end up on the other side of the fight, with a strange white-haired man named the Creator who claims to be the mentor of these Savage Land mutates. Angel pledges him his wings, gets a snazzy new suit and flies off to fight the X-Men. Only then does the man secretly reveal himself: he’s… Magneto! (The true one, not a robot.) And he wishes to rule the savage land!

Angel and the other X-Men briefly fight, but soon the situation is sorted out and the X-Men go and confront the Creator. Magneto, who is way too hammy to ever hide his true nature for too long, reveals himself and the fact that he created these… mutates, including the creepy Brainchild. (He’ll become important later.) The X-Men defeat Magneto and he seemingly dies again.

Without Magneto there, the mutates revert to just being regular cave(wo)men:

I love that Ka-Zar, WHO HAILS FROM THE SAVAGE LAND HIMSELF, has no scruples othering his own kin. (X-Men 63)

The comic accidentally ends on a sad note: the X-Men confessing that they’d give up on their powers in a heartbeat. Not to nitpick, but while I buy that coming from Beast and Cyclops, this issue is less clear-cut when it comes to Jean and Bobby, who have a much better handle on their powers and, more importantly, present as human. It could potentially be an interesting issue to explore, but instead, it is swept under the rug, presenting the team (once again) as a boring but unified front. It remains one of my critiques of this era: the X-Men barely get fleshed out as individuals, other than the broadest of strokes (Leader; Rich Boy; Joker; Smart Guy; Girl). Pity.

Didn’t you take Art History? One thing that has definitely improved is the overall art-style. Artists experiment with panels and splash pages, stepping out of the traditional 2 by 3-grid that Kirby loved so much. It makes the stories more dynamic and, because the writers get more issues to tell their stories, the artists get more space to do their art.

I mean, check this ish out:

Fuck yeah, mental powers represent. (X-Men 57)

Ugliest Costume: None! I really like Havok’s black bodysuit with white stripes and the Sentinels design looks so much less dorkier than before. A+.

Best new character: Sauron, duh. Does he team-up with Dr. Doom at some point? That would be some ham-to-ham combat.

Most audacious retcon: There’s a second Summers brother?

What to read: 57 to 59, which is the plotline dealing with the much improved Sentinels. 60 and 61 if you have a soft spot for vampiric pterodactyls.

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evitcani-writes · 3 years

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Is Reality a Simulation?

Okay, so I want to preface this post with: I am a computer scientist. I’m not a physicist. I want to talk about how and why the theory of reality being a simulation is ridiculous.

Main points you can read in the jump below (this will be long):

The people who argue reality is a simulation aren’t computer scientists (we have proof that reality isn’t a simulation... yes, really)

We are reaching a plateau in digital technological advancement

The technology needed to simulate the universe would require more matter than the universe holds

You are reading this post which is eliciting thoughts and feelings

Finally, I talk about the proof we have reality isn’t a simulation

Below the cut, I’ll go into detail.

The people who argue reality is a simulation aren’t computer scientists

I strongly believe that outsiders to a field can bring new insight. In this case, I think it comes from a lack of understanding of how computers “think” (your computer is “thinking” right now).

And yes, I’m choosing to focus on the philosophical explanation rather than the proofs reality isn’t a simulation because you won’t internalize the math required. But you will be able to see logical steps in reasoning with some light explanation. So, moving on...

When computer scientists and software engineers talk about computers “thinking”, we mean very specific things. Your computer has to prioritize tasks in a way that makes it feel seamless to you, the user. It’s making decisions. It’s thinking.

When other people talk about how computers “think”, they mean something more like how we think. Where decisions are a product of environment, past experience, personality and intention.

The problem we have with true AI is that we humans always give computers an intention and focus. When you are telling someone to do something they can’t refuse, it’s not free will when they do it.

We’ve reached a plateau in digital advancement

Have you noticed the trend of phones getting larger instead of smaller? This is because we’ve reached the limits of the law that says technology will get faster and smaller every year. That law is called Moore’s Law. What people fail to realize is Moore’s Law is not a straight line. It’s a logarithmic curve that eventually plateaus and ceases to get larger.

We fell below the pace predicted by Moore’s law in 2010. We slowed even further in 2015.

That makes sense though, right? I mean... At some point you get down to electrons and the things that make up electrons and then how are you supposed to get smaller? I mean, we are experimenting with using the density of electrons to designate 0 and 1 binary in computers.

This is what Gordon Moore (the “Moore” in “Moore’s Law”) said in 2005:

In terms of size [of transistors] you can see that we're approaching the size of atoms which is a fundamental barrier, but it'll be two or three generations before we get that far—but that's as far out as we've ever been able to see. We have another 10 to 20 years before we reach a fundamental limit. By then they'll be able to make bigger chips and have transistor budgets in the billions.

Just as he predicted, in 2015 transistors slowed to a crawl. The amount of technology we can pack into your phone is probably as good as it gets until we ditch computers altogether.

The technology needed to simulate the universe would require more matter than the universe holds

I’m not really gonna explain this one. I kind of did it above.

This section is just for the nerds. This will not make sense to people who aren’t nerds. You can skip it.

Perfect time to say that quantum computing will be a thing in the future probably. But even that would likely have to be simulated because the only way to get real quantum computer is to have the computers be kept at near 0 Kelvin which reaching 0 Kelvin is considered at this time to be impossible. So we can’t even perfectly do that until we do the impossible.

And if we’re simulating quantum bits by rapidly gating between 0 and 1, we still run into the issue of computers being fundamentally deterministic (i.e. unable to achieve True Random).

I’m not even sure we’ll be able to conceptualize quantum computers as “computers”. Their use would obliterate our entire digital infrastructure and a user’s understanding of how to interface with one. We might be able to do simulations with it, but we’ve found that quantum computers are actually pretty bad at doing things that our binary computers do pretty well. Like harnessing randomness from mother nature, we’d likely end up with a hybrid system where deterministic results are created by truly random quantum computers to be fed into a deterministic interface.

You are reading this post which is eliciting thoughts and feelings

Buried the lead on this one. This is what I really wanted to talk about. You are having thoughts about this post. Feelings.

Computers don’t do that. They won’t do that.

Fun fact about when you let AI talk to another AI: They completely transcend human understanding. Just like you come up with shorthand references like “yeet” that confuse boomers. AI will ultimately begin to develop language like that Dueling Carls video.

youtube

(Please god turn down your video before watching)

It’s almost hilarious how well this video demonstrates exactly what computers do. They start at the level of human understanding and then faster than you can blink, they ascend beyond what we could ever hope to conceptualize. The things about Facebook’s chatbots aren’t true of course, but they held a seed of truth.

AI will exist on another level.

This is because computers (like humans) are greedy. They use the fewest possible resources to reach the same goal. If you programmed a computer to simulate the universe, then it would try to take shortcuts where it could.

The fact that some people can think visually (seeing “pictures” in their mind) and others can’t really demonstrates that humans aren’t simulated. Or even further, did you know that humans really do have a 6th sense? It’s your ability to know where your body is when you can’t see it. Called propioception.

We know it exists because people can be born without it. When they close their eyes they physically can no longer use their limbs. It’s genetic.

Why would a computer account for these things? It’s made it harder to simulate a gene for propioception. Well, maybe the humans who programmed it, told it to account for that.

Then why are you having thoughts about this post? Why read it at all? It’s going to get what... 5 notes? Why account for you at all. It can have you do things without that “inner voice” that’s reading these words. It doesn’t have to give you intention behind your actions. So then humans made it give you intention.

Humans telling a computer to create humanity. And having to account for every single little thing. Telling it not to ignore the nuances of all human existence.

Why would we do that unless we wanted to simulate our entire human history?

How would we simulate all of our history if we didn’t know everything that everyone ever thought or felt?

If you are a simulation, then you are memory of someone who is real.

Finally, I talk about the proof we have reality isn’t a simulation

If you skipped to here, you’re going to be really disappointed. The math is complicated. You can read it here.

Here’s a summary of their findings.

In summary, we suggested that nontrivial gravitational/geometrical responses can be identified with obstructions to sign-free local QMC simulations. First, we pointed out that geometrical perturbations are unique in this context because they can always be added to a classical partition function without introducing complex phases or signs. Then, we established that having a global gravitational anomaly on an edge of a gapped system, as is the case for most fractional quantum Hall phases, implies a sign problem. The same argument extends to frustrated quantum magnets that support a chiral spin liquid phase, although here, some additional microscopic assumptions are currently required. Last, we pointed out that sign problems in critical 2D oriented loop models are also associated with a coupling of charge to curvature. Curiously, tensor network–based numerical approaches, for which the sign problem is irrelevant by construction, also struggle with simulating FQHE states (in the thermodynamic limit). This raises an intriguing connection between gravity and computational complexity via sign problems.

The point is that storing a single matrix of 20 spins of a quantum particle requires a terabyte of data. We’d run out of universe before we made even a small simulation.

#gif #gif warning #computer #technology #reality is a simulation

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dead-account-sadface · 3 years

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this is a very long post and I've been proofreading a lot- but if I made any spelling or grammar mistakes I am sorry.

This is my personal ending to the ME3 trilogy, and this is meant to be a nice calm closure to my Shepard but I tried to make sure it can be inclusive to all Shepards if you like this ending or want to add to it! Because this is kinda designed as a 'happy ending' things might not seem as action packed to others.

I also thought about side things, what could be included if this was a game.

This is just something I thought about and I wanted to share. :)

I will be using they/them pronouns for Shepard to try to be more inclusive for your Shepard!

Context for my Shepard has it has influenced this ending- you can skip it if you want.

J. Shepard is a earthborn, sole survivor, Vanguard.

My sheaprd is full paragon for the most part- I can only remember picking like. 3 renegade options through out the entire series so she is mainly blue :)

Romanced Garrus in ME2/3

Saved the Rachni queen in ME1/3.

Saved Ashely in ME1.

Saved the Council.

Destroyed the Collector base and cut ties with Cerbrus. Rewrote the geth heretics.

Chose to kill the clone.

Got the Geth and the Quarians to work together.

Saved Wrex in ME1 and cured the genophage.

Felt extremely guilty over destroying the Alpha Relay.

Feels even worse about killing the Geth and EDI.

8000+ Glatic readiness, galaxy rebuilt and recovered quickly.

----

The first breath we see Shepard take is soon followed by them briefly waking up. If they have a sole survivor background, they use what they learned on Azuke to set up an emergency signal from their omi tool before passing out. If they don't have that background then they remain unconscious.

No matter what though, Shepard is recovered by the STG, major Kirahee to be precise. (If he is not around, you are saved by an different unit.)

Due to the nature of the Citadel being taken, civilian forces were locked down and protected to avoid being hunted and turned into goo - after the war STG and Asari infiltration teams were sent to the Citadel to recover both living and dead. Shepard was considered a high priority to find dead or alive. Annnnddd they found them alive :)

Earth and it's mass relay recovered quickly, and soon species headed back to their home systems to recover. STG/Salarian government offerd to take Shepard to one of their top private STG hospital on Sur'kesh that avoided the brunt of the reapers, after some convincing Shepard is sent there with some top Allience Medics and Dr. Chakwas. (if she survived)

The treatment they receive is top of the line, with funding from the Allience to ensure Shepard's survival.

Shepard's legs need to be amputated from being crushed under rubble, but the medics on site use some cell regrowth treatment mentioned in the memorial hospital in ME3. Shepard's implants from Cerbrus have become redundant, due to the blast. However, the reason Shepard could survive is that by the end their body naturally recovered over the months they were resurrected to where they are no longer needed. Implants are removed during recovery, physical therapy must be done when they recover, normal healing process. Ect. This process takes months at best, and Shepard is unconscious in a medically induced coma for the majority of it.

Now the Normandy crew! The Jungle planet they crashed on was rich in resources, but there were issues for the dextro crew members in terms of rations. How high your GR was depends on how rough the Dextro crew had it. But they overcame it and fixed the Normandy. As soon as they left the planet's system they got the news about the state of the galaxy and Shepard's location to which they immidently plot the course to the STG facility.

Shepard is still in a coma by the time they get there, and a majority of the crew do try to stay with Shepard during the recovery but later on the crew had to leave to their own planets to help their people. Only Liara, Dr. Chakwas, Joker and your LI remain by Shepard until they wake up. I personally like to imagine that while in the coma, Shepard has dreams like in 3 to do with the Leviathans.

Shepard wakes up, with their LI by the end of their bed.

Soon after all those who stayed meet up with them.

They reunite and everyone is really happy :) no pain here :) but Shepard and the LI get in some conflict as Shepard is immediately trying to get back into the front lines with the Leviathans.

Shepard spills the beans and says why they picked destroy, it also weighs greatly on my Shepard- maybe not to others.

This links into why Shepard is hellbent on getting the Lethvians. In order to make those who sacrificed their lives not be in vain, the Leviathans must be destroyed before they can regain their power and indoctrinate the galaxy. Only once they are destroyed will peace finally be achieved.

LI finally gets on board and they are like; sigh. Damn OK but after this you are retiring.

Most of the remaning crew understands why Shepard picked destroy, but Joker does not and he gets unbelievably angry he leaves the Normandy as their pilot (temporarily) as soon as they dock to the Citadel. Shepard understands why he is angry and lets him go.

Shepard and pals go to the council and ask for their aid- but this time Shepard gives them the extended brief on the Leviathans and that they want a way to destroy them.

The council agrees without much convincing due to Shepard saving them.

They come up with a plan to nuke the Leviathans' homeworld- they destroy the mass relay but they do it with a much, much more powerful bomb that wipes out the entire cluster, not just the system. The next cluter's Mass Relay is a little damaged from it... but nothing that can't be fixed. Its a very top secret plan. And boom! Leviathans gone.

7. Shepard doesn't actually retire just yet, they are offered to be the human councilor but they reject it. Wanting to remain a specter. Offer is then extended to Admiral Hackett- he accepts it. Shepard becomes a advisor to the council at Hackett's request - but she is also promoted to the head of the Allience Fleet. Shepard then spends the remainder of their their with the Normandy and their crew, doing top missions for the allience as well as specter work. They do all the decision making for the Allience in the War Room and it's where they are seen most.

At some point after they destroyed the Leviathans and between getting promoted- sheaprd has two options that can have two different outcomes. These are the the 'major' choices for the game.

The Asari are facing discrimination for hiding the prothen AI even during the war.

If you choose paragon actions to vouche for the Asari- they will not be rejected as a whole but they have lost that superior image they always had. The Asari counciler will owe you a favour if you choose this action.

If you choose renegade actions, the asari will be pushed deeper into discrimination, loosing their council seat, not get hired and get fired from jobs outside of Asari space- becoming a 'fallen angel' of sorts. This leads to a lot of political unrest.

There's also a scene with joker, much like the quest in ME1 with the Turian General and the Consort, drinking away his grief for EDI. If you choose paragon actions, Joker feels better and understands why you had to chose destroy. He rejoins the Normandy as a pilot. (This might need a high charm check and for you to always be civil with him.)

Or you can use renegade options, where he rejoins the Allience as a pilot but he refused to return to the Normandy due to Shepard's cold attitude towards EDIs death.

9. And then once peace is achieved at last, Shepard retires to a tropical place with Garrus and live of the royalties from the vids. Adopt some krogan kids and teach them how to shoot. :D Happy ending!

The ending can change to who you romanced and what you talked about in your game :)

Other things that might happen/ 'side quests':

Major thing: you and all your crewmates from ME1-3 are now considered Reaper and Leviathans experts- if there are any issues with reapers all team mates are called for council when there needs to be a meeting involving reapers. Not everyone can join if there needs to be a physical presence, but you can often have meetings with them when needed in the com room.

1. Cerbrus gets fully destroyed- due to a majority of the troops being husks, they got killed during the blast. Those who were indoctrinated were sent to a galaxy wide rehab that focuses on helping all who were under the reapers' control.

2. All the races in the galaxy who united were offered council seats and the galaxy are 'permentaly united'.

3. There's a follow up 'joke quest', it's like the Citadel DLC but with a bigger focus on the clone. It is taken seriously when it needs to be but there is clone banter. If Miranda is alive, she can help you. If not but Brooks stays alive, you find her in the cloning facility you travel to. You force her to help.

This quest acts as closure for Shepard to how they were made, and they come out happy in who they are. But depending on if you killed or spared the clone, you can have different reactions to the facility and what to do with it. (Paragon salvaging the facility for medical purposes, renegade to flat out destroy it to ensure you're the "only" Shepard remaning.)

4. Political debate to make all VI illegal like AI, to reduce the risk of sentient machines- you can influence this with paragon and renegade options? This links into the Quarians being split from reviving the geth or keeping them dead. There's a lot on unrest towards technology, half the galaxy opting to a return to manual labour permently (mainly civilians) and others wanting to keep advanced technology. (military and government officials)

5. Military unrest from separatist groups, as a specter/head of allience you do a series of quests for species and reunite with your cremates (ie. Garrus for the Turians, Tail for the Quarians, Von Barla for the Volus, ect.)

6. Specter missions for Shepard to Solo, access to Pinnical Station again as apart of physical therapy/rehab back into the millitary.

7. The keeper scanning quest you do in ME1 makes a comback, with what you got the salarian you helped makes an offer to study the keepers further. He thinks about removing the keepers and replace them with matience workers to keep the Citadel running. You can choose to back this idea or reject it.

8. Companions

James becomes an N7. Javik, after defeating the Leviathans, goes to the graves of his soilders and joins them. Tail officially becomes an Admiral. Wrex and Eve lead the Krogan to the glory of the olden days. Garrus is chosen to acend in the turian line of power and he's not too keen on it- even more so if he's being romanced by Sheaprd. Mordin and Legion get respecting statues in the Krogan and Quarian homeworlds respectfully. Anderson gets a special statue where he went up the beam to the Citadel, too.

9. There maybe something to do with Omega, I'm not too sure. I feel like Aria would survive, and if you made her go 'soft' with the general or kept her on her renegade path she might have some interesting dioluge. Idk, maybe she should be left in 3. Just spit balling.

Annnnddd that's all I have! Here's my little slice of happiness I made up to make the pain of ME3 easier :")

Hopefully in the new installment we can get a nice closure like this with Sheaprd and their LI. Maybe if this was like a standalone game it would completely close of the trilogy for new installments- maybe even a ME5 game that brings the Milky Way and Androma together years after this interpretation of events.

#mass effect #mass effect commander shepard #mass effect shepard #mass effect ending #mass effect thoughts #mass effect legendary edition #mass effect 4 #mass effect 5 #mass effect series

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wkemeup · 5 years

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Guiding Light (12)

summary: It was supposed to be a simple mission. Get the intel and go home. Until everything goes wrong and you’re taken captive by Hydra and now, Bucky can’t breathe without you. Not until he brings you home. If he even can. pairing: bucky x reader chapter word count: 8.2k warnings: angst™, descriptions of a panic attack, cannon violence, references to suicidal ideation 🖤series masterlist // series playlist

Bucky could barely stand on his own feet, vision tunneling as a ringing burned in his eardrums. His breaths were coming in too short, right hand numb as he struggled to keep himself upright. He couldn't understand how this was even possible; how had they done to you what they did to Bucky and no one even noticed it, didn’t even consider that there was something bigger at play, something evil and vile.

All this time he thought you were safe, thought the worst of it was over, but the rug was pulled out from under him and he was falling a thousand miles a minute, plummeting down to the very core of the planet itself and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

How did no one see this coming?

Only Sam took notice from the corner of the room as Bucky’s knees started to buckle, his hand grasping at his chest as his breaths were too shallow, and rushed at him. Sam gripped onto Bucky’s bicep, holding him up against the wall, and quietly instructed him to list five things he could see.

Bucky gritted his teeth, though he played along because it had helped once before, and he didn’t have time to panic like this, couldn’t waste energy losing himself to his mind because you were out there somewhere, alone, and at the mercy of Hydra. So, he listened to Sam and scoured the room for something to ground him.

Light blue trimming on the floor boards. Steve’s arms folded over his chest. Tony’s pacing up and down the small, enclosed room. The sheets of your bed thrown to the edge of the cot in haste. Broken glass lining the floor he hadn’t noticed when he walked in.

He still couldn’t breathe.

“FRIDAY!” Tony shouted as Bucky started mumbling four things he could touch quietly to Sam, “get me a scan of the entire building! I want to know where the hell she is!”

“You got it, boss,” the AI responded.

Bucky felt for the creases in his sweatpants, then to the thin layer of his t-shirt, hands grasping to tug on his hair, and then to grip onto Sam’s forearm. His breaths were starting to come in more even but he was still too dizzy to focus.

“Three things you can hear,” Sam said quietly, eyeing the rest of the team who had yet to notice Bucky’s panic attack. For all the shit he gave Sam, he was a good man and better than he ever gave him credit for to his face. He reminded himself to tell Sam how much he appreciated it that when all this was over.

“You,” Bucky mumbled, concentrating, “footsteps,” nodding to Tony’s relentless pacing, listening carefully for something humming in the background, “and, um, air conditioning.”

Bucky glanced up to find Steve and Tony talking harshly to one another in the corner of the room, trying to determine next steps and clearly being at odds with one another over what to do. Meanwhile, Natasha tended to Dr. Cho, helping ease her onto the chair as she attempted to explain what had happened.

“That voice just came over the speakers and she just froze,” Dr. Cho muttered, shaken, as she glanced between Tony and Steve as they hovered over her, “she started convulsing about halfway through; screaming, crying, begging for me to leave, but then she just… stilled. I’m not sure what that man said but the next thing I know, she was out of the bed and hit me over the head with a vase.”

So that’s why there was broken glass spilled on the floor; flowers and stems thrown haphazardly around the room. Bucky stopped breathing again, the rest of the steps in Sam’s list thrown out of his mind as the image of your eyes as cold and lifeless as his had once been prevented the air from reaching his lungs.

“Two things you can smell,” Sam reminded him quietly enough to not draw attention, “come on, man. We need you here.”

Bucky nodded, following Sam’s instruction and pushing the mental image from his mind. You needed him and whether you were taken to the darkest parts of your consciousness, he’d find his way to you, he’d bring you back. You’d done it for him more times than he could count. He’d do it for you, too.

The fresh flowers now spewed onto the tile floors. Disinfectant soap on the counter.

Sam was about to ask him for the final step in the grounding method when Bucky shoved his way from off the wall, a renewed energy in his veins and determination running through his body. He clenched his hands into fists, turning back to give a single nod to Sam in a silent appreciation.

“FRIDAY!” Tony called impatiently, “I need an update here.”

“I think I found something,” FRIDAY’s voice came through again, “in the east wing. The security cameras haven't been set up there yet so I can’t get an eye on Agent Y/l/n but there’s movement in the area.”

Steve nodded; arms folded over his chest. He glanced to Bucky with remorse clouding in the light blue of his eyes until his friend nodded, giving him the signal that it was okay to proceed. Steve let out a heavy breath, stepping forward and his arms relaxed at his sides.

“Alright, team. Suit up.”

***

Bucky couldn’t stand wasting time he should be searching the compound for you lugging on his Kevlar jacket and changing out of his sweatpants. It felt like a colossal mistake, attending to something so trivial, but it was Sam that pointed out that a knife and a bullet would rip through cotton a lot easier than the thick material of his suit. If he wanted to survive whoever hacked FRIDAY’s system and whatever hell they brought along with them, he needed to take the extra three minutes.

He emerged from his room, trying to ignore the mess of sheets and pillows he’d laid in with you just hours ago, and met Sam at the end of the hall.

“Steve said we’d meet up there. Let’s go,” Bucky grumbled, heading towards the stairs when a hand grabbed onto his wrist, not enough to stop him in his tracks from the pull of it but he sensed the urgency in the grip, the silent plea to wait.

“You need to be prepared for what you might see,” Sam said sternly, though there was a lingering sadness in his eyes. “You haven’t seen yourself when the soldier took over. If that’s what's happening to Y/n right now... you've got to be prepared for that, man. She’s not going to know you and she may try to kill you.”

Bucky clenched his jaw, ripping his hand from Sam’s grasp. It was harsher than he meant to but there would be time for apologies later. He knew how it felt when the soldier controlled him and he didn’t need anyone else to tell him what it would be like to see it. There was no preparing for something like that, for seeing the love of your life stripped from thier emotions, their memories, and rendered a weapon for the same organization that tortured them for months.

Sam nodded, needing no further explanation and gestured for Bucky to lead the way.

The run to the east wing was long, longer than he remembered, and impossibly quiet. All he could focus on was the sound of their footsteps echo through the halls as they ran, the panting of Sam’s breaths, and the rustling of his jacket against his left arm. He didn’t let himself think about anything else, couldn’t, because it would consume him whole.

“We’ve got an issue,” Steve’s voice came in through the coms. “I’ve got company on my level.”

“Me, too,” Nat added, her voice low, as if she was hiding from something, “at least six outside my hall.”

“Looks like we’ve got a full-scale invasion on our hands,” Tony chimed in and the whirring of his suit buzzed through the coms as he spoke. “Wilson and Barnes, you’re are on your own for now, I’m afraid.”

“Not a problem,” Sam responded with a smirk, nodding at Bucky confidently. It was his easiest defense mechanism when things got tough, to smile through it and make jokes, because what else did they have if they lost their conviction.

Bucky nodded back, trying to latch onto the aura that Sam exuded.

It only lasted a second before the echo of gunfire rang out in the hallway and Sam ducked just as a bullet flew over his head.

Bucky skidded to a halt with his back pressed against the wall to shield himself from the open hallway where the gunfire had come from. Meanwhile, Sam threw himself towards the assailants down the hall without much of a second thought. Quickly switching into combat mode, Sam yanked the handguns from his holsters and began firing.

Bucky’s hand was inching towards his gun, edging over the corner of the hall, when Sam started waving at him frantically, turning over a cadenza lined against the wall and ducked down behind it to shield from the gunfire in his direction.

“Go!” he shouted as peaked out behind the blockade and fired at the two men. “Go, Barnes! I’ve got this! Find Y/n!”

Bucky watched as Sam charged out from behind the cadenza and disappeared further into the adjoining hall, chasing after the two gunmen, until all he could hear was the distant echo of the gun’s discharge, until he heard nothing but the labored pants of his own breath.

Sam was right. The team was getting picked off one by one from the chaos of Hydra agents infiltrating the base. He was the only one left, the only one who might be able to reach you before it was too late. He didn’t have time to panic and rush after Sam. There was only one priority right now and it was you. Bucky pushed himself off of the wall and sprinted further down the long, empty corridor.

Soon, the furnished halls and room turned to exposed beams and wooden framing, the cool air seeping in through the exposed walls until he came upon the heart of the east wing. He pulled to a stop in the same room he’d spent weeks renovating with Sam. The smell of fresh wood still present in the air, but there was something off. Tools thrown sporadically around the room outside of the box he had left them in, plastic sheets hanging from the ceiling ripped down the middle, and an aura of something sinister enough to get the hair on Bucky’s arm standing on edge.

“It is good to see you again, Soldat,” a voice spoke from behind him, low, familiar. It was the same voice from the speakers that spoke the Russian trigger words. “Let me reintroduce myself. You may call me Cain.”

Bucky turned, slowly, to catch a glimpse of Cain from the corner of his eyes before facing him completely. The scar running down the side of the man’s face was enough for a growl to rip through Bucky’s chest and he yanked the gun from its strap over his thigh and held the barrel aimed between Cain’s eyes. This was the same man who beat you and tortured you and humiliated you on streamed footage for the world to see. Bucky had never felt a rage in his veins quite like this. It was painful. It was all consuming.

Cain held his hands up to the side, almost defensively, laughing, and it made Bucky’s stomach lurch.

“I wouldn’t do that,” he smirked, “not when I’ve got such a fun surprise for you.”

Bucky’s position faltered for just a second, his grip loosening on the gun. His cold, hardened expression fell to one of agony, enough for Cain to notice before he could hide it. The knowing grin that followed only seemed to make the dread churning in Bucky’s stomach worse.

Then, Cain stepped aside, allowing space for something behind him, and Bucky watched with his heart in his throat as you emerged from behind the pillar.

It wasn't the black, skin tight suit, or the bold, red insignia of Hydra’s emblem on your chest that frightened him most, or the muzzle over your mouth, or the dark black paint over your face like a mask. It was the empty, detached look in your eye as you stared at him, looking straight through him like he was made of glass, like he was less than nothing. You were still, body stiff, awaiting orders and it was so familiar, Bucky’s knees nearly gave out.

“Impressive, ain’t she? Conditioned her myself,” Cain taunted, eyeing Bucky’s reaction as he ran a hand up the side of your arm and flipping the hair from your shoulder. He circled your back with the flat of his palm possessively; his touch on you a reminder of who you belonged to. You were unresponsive to your captor’s hands roaming over your body, too locked away in the confines of your mind to care, but Bucky was fuming.

“Get your fucking hands off of her,” he seethed through gritted teeth, his eyes trained on Cain’s hand upon your hip.

“What are you gonna do about it?” Cain stepped behind you and used your body as a shield. His chest was pressed to your back, his hands settled on your shoulders as he leaned around the side of your face. “You gonna shoot me through your girl here?”

Bucky’s head was pulsing, jaw aching from how tight he was grinding his teeth. Cain raked your hair away from your eyes, pushed it aside and licked a stripe up the side of your face. Bucky’s stomach dropped and he tasted blood in his mouth, his grip on his gun faltering as Cain kept his eye the whole time, daring him to do something about it. He didn’t pull away until his tongue trailed from the edge of your jaw to your temple. You didn’t even flinch. You were motionless.

Bucky could see the shine of Cain’s saliva on your skin.

“I’m going to kill you,” Bucky growled, trying to keep his voice even despite the heat boiling inside of him, “I will fucking rip you apart! Do you hear me? I’ll kill you!”

“Not if your girl kills you first,” he shrugged, unfazed. “Listen Soldat, you’ve been a pain in Hydra’s ass for too long. If you’re not going to give up your little fantasy of pretending you’re some kind of hero and come home to Hydra where you belong, then we’re left with no choice but to eliminate you, to punish you for your decent. What better way to do that than with the woman you so pathetically fell in love with? Isn’t that right, эсминец?”

Destroyer.

You only blinked, unmoving, unaffected by the man’s taunts. Bucky kept his focus on you, desperately searching for a trace of the woman he knew you to be hidden somewhere in your eyes, screaming to get out, but it was naïve, foolish of him to even try. Sam had tried to warn him of that. The stories Steve had told him of what it was like trying to get through to him when the winter soldier filtered through the back of his memories. It was near impossible, he’d nearly beaten Steve within an inch of his life, but he did break through. Once.

He had to try.

“Y/n,” Bucky called out, directing his attention solely on you, even as Cain rolled his eyes. “Sweetheart, look at me.”

“Y/n’s not home right now, asshole,” Cain scoffed, earning no response from Bucky.

“I need you to snap out of this,” Bucky tried again, recognizing the lace of fear in his voice he had no hope of masking. You were staring right through him, eyes glazed over. Bucky could hardly feel the thunderous pounding in his chest. “Please, I don’t want-- I won’t fight you. Please, baby, just wake up. You don’t have to listen to him. You know who he is. You know what he’s done to you.”

Still, nothing.

He should have expected that, but it didn’t make the sting of your empty stare any less painful.

“Sweetheart, please,” he choked out, the lump in the back of his throat threatening to suffocate him where he stood.

“Pathetic,” Cain grumbled, rolling his eyes. “Never thought I’d see the day the Winter Soldier begged like a fucking love sick school boy. You’ve become nothing but weak since you turned your back on Hydra. We raised you. We gave you your strength, your power, and you dare to throw it all away for some mindless whore with a vigilante complex!?”

“Shut your goddamn mouth,” Bucky spat, eyes still locked on you because the second he looked at that vile man again, he’d lose it completely. He’d empty his entire clip into him and there was no telling what you’d do. It wasn’t a risk he could take, so he stayed focused on you despite the flinch in his body at the mention of Hydra, of the Winter Soldier, the physical recoil of his past life thrown back into his face.

Cain shook his head, a film of disgust upon his features. “Your makers would be sick at the sight of you.”

Bucky clenched his jaw so tight he drew blood against his tongue. His hand was shaking. Copper burned in his mouth. It took every ounce of his strength to stay focused on you.

“Y/n, sweetheart, look at me. I’m not your enemy. You know me.”

Nothing. No flickers of realization or softness breaking through the dense, stone cold expression etched into your muscles. You were empty, a shell, like he had been once. You didn’t know him. You didn’t even know yourself.

A painful split ripped and tore in Bucky’s chest and he was certain his heart had ripped in two.

“We don’t have all day here, so let’s cut to the chase.” Cain leaned into your ear and you shifted your head just slightly, slow calculated movements, waiting for his orders like it was the only thing you knew. It was. “Kill him.”

You nodded and without a blink in your eye, grabbed the handgun from Cain as he extended it to you. There was no time to react as you aimed the barrel in Bucky’s direction and pulled the trigger.

The fire of the release echoed within the room and suddenly white hot burning shot through Bucky’s right thigh. He stumbled back a few paces from the impact, his shoulder painfully colliding with the sharp edge of a wooden pillar, his leg threatening to give out under him.

He clenched his jaw, breathing harshly through gritted teeth as his hand darted down to put pressure on the wound and blood seeped between his fingers, thick and oozing through the torn hole in his suit, in his skin.

When he looked up again, you were already halfway across the room, stalking toward him and all he could see was the lack of remorse in your eye, the unabridged need to finish the mission, to take him out because it was what you were told. It was a look he knew too well.

He'd never even seen you like that when facing your enemies in the field. You were always cautious, calculating, but you still managed to crack jokes by his side as you infiltrated Hydra bases. There was a smile on your face and you eased him by talking about playlists and trips to Brooklyn as if he wasn’t following you through the halls of enemy territory with weapons in your hands.

You were never like this; separate from yourself, cold and compartmentalized, a weapon of your skills alone.

“Y/n! Wait!” Bucky shouted, calling out for you knowing it would be of no use but goddamnit he did it anyway because the idea of you being lost to him, after all you’d been through together, was too much to let himself give up now. He dove between the exposed wooden pillars, just trying to get out of your line of sight for only a second, dragging his right leg behind him to find relief.

Blood dripped down his thigh, leaving red in his wake and soaking through the fabric of his pants. He glanced over his shoulder and you were suddenly behind him, a hand on his bicep gripping tight into the straps of his jacket and you yanked him hard, shoving his body against the nearest wall.

You didn’t usually have strength like this and Bucky couldn’t quite tell if it was the adrenaline, a foreign serum in your veins, or if his own body was weakened by the blood loss or just by the agony of it being you he was supposed to fight.

Dead eyes clouding over any trace of the woman he knew and you moved to slam your fist to his face, but he ducked just in time, sliding out of your grasp. The crash of drywall followed and you shook dust and plasterboard from your fist like it barely hurt.

“I’m not going to fight you,” Bucky panted, holding his ground a few feet from you as you cracked your neck. “Snap out of this!”

You stalked closer, a twitch in your lip and a growl in your chest.

“You’re only prolonging the inevitable, Soldat!” Cain called out, laughing as he leaned against the wall, arms folded over his chest. A coward who couldn’t be bothered to do anything but watch.

Bucky grunted, grabbing your hand at the wrist as you swung at him again. He held you steady, watching as your eyes narrowed in concentration and you tried to push forward, arm shaking in the attempt. There was nothing behind the hue of your eyes, no love, no longing, no semblance of the light he was so used to. It was only darkness.

“Sweetheart, please,” he begged, only for you to swing your free hand around and collide hard against his jaw. He stumbled back, grabbing at his face from the throbbing in his cheek.

You charged at him again, kicking him in the thigh where blood soaked through fabric and he cried out, the throbbing of the open wound aching through the entirety of his leg and shooting up through his spine.

“Look at me!” Bucky was growing desperate. He was running out of options. “You know me!”

He saw the flash of the gun quicker this time as you raised at him and rushed at you, slamming you hard against the wall and yanking the weapon from your hand, throwing it along the floor out of your reach.

Electric cuffs on the belt of his jacket released and he quickly adhered them to your wrists, leaving them bound against the wall like high intensity magnetics. You struggled against them, grunting and shouting, almost feral, and Bucky took a second to breathe.

Reaching forward, he removed the muzzle from your mouth and flung it aside, hands cupping at the sides of your face, touching the creases in your skin left behind by the sharp plastic. Fingers running soothingly over heated cheeks and you tried to stretch away from his touch like it burned you, like you’d never felt his hands before, like they were a stranger’s.

“Y/n, please, I don’t want to hurt you,” Bucky pleaded, trying to catch your eye but you only growled back at him, fighting the restraints as your chest heaved in the exertion. He was gripping your face too tightly now but he was teetering on the edge of desolation, terrified of what could happen, and you wouldn’t even meet his eye. “Baby, it’s me. It’s Bucky. Just look at me. I’m right here.”

“Enough already!” Cain shouted, aiming a device over in Bucky’s direction, something he didn’t recognize.

As high-pitched ringing filled the room, your cuffs immediately released and you fell from the wall, shoving Bucky hard to the ground before you scrambled for the gun. He didn’t have even a second to stand before you were towering over him, gun aimed down at his chest.

This was it, he realized. This was the way he was going to die, staring down the barrel held in the hand of the woman he spent his whole life waiting for, the woman he loved. He’d already heard you say you loved him for the last time, already had his last kiss with you, felt your hands so tenderly upon his skin, saw you smile, heard your voice. It was all over before he even realized it, ripped away by the cruel utterance of Russian words over the speakers.

He wondered if you’d ever forgive yourself.

You released the safety of the gun, the click of it deafening in his ears, and he clenched onto his thigh. Blood oozed between his fingers and he winced at the pain of it as it shot up his leg. Glancing up at you, staring into the cold and empty look in your eye as you strengthened your stance, ready to pull the trigger.

Bucky knew that if he was honest with himself, this fight would always end here.

He wasn’t fighting the way he should, wasn’t using his years of training and decades of combat and missions.

He could have swept your leg and pulled one of the knives hidden in his jacket, could have taken you by surprised and gotten control of the gun in your hand, he could have gained the upper hand and had you on the floor in a matter of seconds, but he couldn’t do any of those things without the risk of punishment from Cain reigning down on you before he could get you to safety or even convince you in this state that he was someone to trust.

He’d known what it was like to be in your position, to have nothing but orders in your mind and a determination that out-ruled everything else. You wouldn’t stop, no matter what he did, and he knew there was only one way to end this.

Cain wouldn’t let you leave here alive without accomplishing your mission. It was the reason they’d taken you in the first place, to break you and wither you down until they could shove the soldier into your head and rip away the woman he so adamantly loved, just so he knew in his last moments, it was you that killed him. Another sick form of torture that Hydra sought to punish him with. He’d always been at the mercy of those vile men, no matter what he did or how long he thought he was free from their grasp.

And they used you to do it.

Bucky made a decision in that moment as you stared down at him through cold, hooded eyes. Chest panting and sweat dripping from his brow, he tried to bring back the memory of your smile, your laugh, the light in your eyes he’d so easily fallen in love with.

The team would find you before Cain escaped. They’d find you and you’d be safe again.

It was all he cared about.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he exhaled, nodding slowly, hand gripping to the painful ache in his thigh. He hand was coated in red. “It’s okay.”

You narrowed your eyes, confused, and you glanced over at Cain for answers and he only shrugged, waving at you to get on with it. You adjusted your positioning, though your finger remained steady on the trigger.

“I know you’ll wake up from this soon,” Bucky continued, taking advantage of the time you gave him before it ran out, “you’ll wake up and remember this but I need you to know that I love you, okay? I need you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and this isn’t your fault.”

You blinked, furrowing your brow.

“You saved me all those years ago. Remember that,” Bucky urged, his voice softer than he intended, coming out in a broken rasp and losing energy fast. He coughed, blood spraying from his lips. “Do you understand me? This isn’t your fault, sweetheart. It’s not your fault.”

“Jesus fuck! This is pathetic!” Cain shouted, storming his way through the open walls and pushing aside half completed insulation. He stood next to you, raised his own gun to your head and releasing the safety with a deafening click. “Do it. Kill him, now!”

“Y/n, it’s okay,” Bucky pleaded, heart lurching at the sight of Cain’s finger inching closer to the trigger, the barrel pressing against your temple. “Sweetheart, it’s alright. You can do it now. I’m okay.”

But you didn’t move. You only stared at him, studying him, and for the smallest, most impossible second, Bucky thought he saw a flash of realization, but he knew it was only his mind playing tricks on him, a false hope he didn’t dare allow for himself.

“What the hell are you waiting for!?” Cain roared, shoving the barrel of the gun hard against your temple enough to force a falter in your position. “Kill him!”

“Y/n, please, it’s okay—”

“Listen to your goddamn boyfriend, princess! He’s fucking asking for it, ain’t he? Kill him!”

Bucky winced, feeling lightheaded from the throbbing in his thigh. He didn’t want to die, not anymore, not after he’d finally found you again and his world shifted into something beautiful and hopeful and filled with light. He didn’t want to die, but he’d give up everything if it meant keeping you safe.

He’d give up his life.

“I love you,” he said to the woman who didn’t know him, words falling out in an exhale as his eyes fluttered closed, just needing to focus on the image in his mind of you, of lying under cool sheets and curling against bare skin, of warm smiles and the soft touch of your lips. He needed it to be the last thing he knew as the darkness took him under.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I love you.”

Bucky settled in, waiting, hands trembling and breaths shaky in his chest.

But the gunshot never came. One minute later. Then two. Still nothing.

Slowly, Bucky opened his eyes again to see you clenching your jaw, nostrils flaring as a rage boiled under the surface. Your hand gripped and clenched at the handle of the gun, eyes flickering down to the barrel as if the very action of its aim repulsed you. There was a war fighting in your head, sweat beading down your temples as breaths came in thick and heavy, chest panting.

The soldier didn’t have emotions like that and Bucky felt his heart start to pick up in pace again as he dared to meet your eye.

Panic, confusion, shame, fury, all rolled into a single moment and a tear slipped down your cheek, blinking away another. Your lips parted, almost in a gasp, and it was like a cloud of smoke broke from the emptiness in your gaze, replaced with a complexity of human emotion all your own.

Bucky’s chest was tight, painful, and he realized he had stopped breathing. He sucked in a harsh breath, shaking on the exhale, as he kept your eye. You remained still, Cain still none the wiser as you had yet you drop your gun, though your finger had strategically moved away from the trigger.

Almost as if in slow motion, you turned to face Cain, prodding the gun away from your temple with the back of your hand until he held it down by his side. You clenched your jaw, eyes darkening over at you looked at him, losing traces of the woman Bucky knew you to be in favor of a vengeance that ran deep in your veins.

“What the fuck are you doing, princess?” Cain seethed, readying to lift the gun at you again but a scream, pained and broken, ripped through your lungs, echoing through the east wing, and you threw yourself at him before he could move.

Bucky propped himself up on his elbows, unable to do much else from the dead weight of his right leg, and watched as you slammed Cain to the ground, throwing his gun far away from his reach as you sent punch after punch against the side of his face until blood splattered along the floor.

But then, Cain kneed you hard in the side, throwing you off of him and managing to get the upper hand. Bucky tried to crawl towards you, desperate to do something, anything to help as you scrambled to your feet, but his body was fading on him, too weak to stand, let alone fight.

Cain laughed, spitting a gob of blood from his lips as he grabbed a hold of your shoulders, throwing you at the nearest pillar and Bucky flinched as he heard the sound of your head against the wood. You were too slow to get up, unsteady as you clung onto the wall with one hand and pressed at your temple with the other. Your vision was doubling and you fell back to the floor.

“You think you can beat me?!” Cain bellowed, arms stretched out to the side, “I am the embodiment of Hydra itself and Hydra cannot be killed!”

In his arrogance, he didn’t notice Bucky’s hand grasp onto the cold metal of the gun that had slipped from your hold in the struggle. He didn’t notice Bucky meet your eye for an impossibly short second before he slid the gun across the floor to you. He didn’t notice your fingers curling around the handle, pointer on the trigger as you released the safety with a short flicker, before it was too late, and without even waiting a beat, you fired a shot straight into Cain’s chest.

He stumbled back; words caught in his throat as he glanced down to red seeping out through his shirt. You pushed yourself to your feet, holding the gun with both hands and fired a second shot just as Cain attempted to lunge at you again. This one brought him to his knees. Then a third shot fired, until Cain collapsed to the floor. Even when he laid upon the ground, unmoving, eyes rolled back, you emptied the entire clip.

“Y/n,” Bucky called, trying to catch your attention over the sound of the gunshots, the ringing in his ears from the close quarter discharge pulsing painfully. You couldn’t hear him, firing round after round, refilling the magazine, watching as Cain’s lifeless body flailed with each shot. You didn’t stop until the weapon was firing blanks.

“Y/n!”

You froze, turning over your shoulder slowly, like you were afraid of what you’d see. Upon laying eyes on Bucky, the gun slipped from your hand, falling to the floor with deafening sound.

You rushed at him, skidding on your knees, hands hovering over his thigh, his chest, his face, so irrevocably afraid to touch him because you’d already caused so much damage but longing for the feel of him, to confirm the beating of his heart under your fingertips and the breath exhaling in warm gusts from his lungs.

Tears welled in your eyes, and Bucky grabbed your shaking hands.

“Oh, God... oh, God, what did I do...”

“I’m okay, love,” Bucky tried to assure you as you threw yourself against his chest, arms wrapping tightly around him and a world of relief filled him. Your whole body shook with every sob as it made its way through your spine and Bucky rubbed his hand soothingly down your back.

“I’m so sorry,” you cried, hands clenching around the thick fabric of his jacket, “I’m so sorry, Bucky, I didn’t-- I didn’t know how to—how to stop--”

“I know, sweetheart. Trust me, I know,” Bucky said, kissing your forehead. There was no control when the triggers were activated, no fighting back. It was a feeling Bucky knew too well.

You nodded against his chest, curling up tighter against him and Bucky did his best to run his hand gently along your back. Steve’s voice came in through the coms letting him know that they’d taken care of the last of the stray agents and he quickly mumbled back that he was clear with you but he needed time. The numbness in his leg long forgotten. The serum in his veins would give him the time he needed.

It took a while before you calmed down again, breaths coming back in an even pace, steady exhales warm against his neck, and your grip on him slowly began to ease. There was something on your mind, something you were ruminating about, because he could feel the heaviness behind your breaths and the subtle twitch in your hands. Bucky swallowed, knowing what was coming.

“You were going to let me kill you, weren’t you?”

Your voice was soft, aching, and so quiet Bucky almost didn’t hear it, but it still managed to make his heart skip a beat. He sighed, not knowing what the right answer was, so he landed on the truth.

“Yes.”

Pulling back, you met his eye and he saw a world of pain swimming behind your irises. “How could you—why would you--” you exhaled, trying to steady yourself, “do you still want to die?”

Bucky’s features softened immediately. He didn’t know how you found out about that, about the darkest moments of his life when he let his secret slip to Steve that night in a Hydra base after he’d killed a dozen men. You were smart, though, intuitive beyond measure, so he shouldn’t be surprised you put the pieces together.

“No,” he responded honestly, sincerely, and the answer would have shocked him if someone had asked him a few months prior. “No, sweetheart, I don’t. I’ve got too much worth living for now, but I... I wasn’t going to let him hurt you, Y/n. It wasn’t a death wish, but it was the only thing I could do to make sure you got out of there alive.”

You shook your head, tears sliding down your face. “But what about you? You think I’d just be okay after all that? You think I’d be able to just move on, that I’d be fine, after I-- I killed you?”

“You’d be alive.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“I know,” Bucky sighed, his hand trailing up the side of your neck and cupping your cheek. You leaned further into his touch, and he brushed his thumb over your cheekbone to capture the tears as they fell. “The one time I was able to break through the conditioning was when I almost killed Steve. I thought... maybe if it came to that, if you were ready to pull the trigger, you might snap out of it like I did.”

“That’s a hell of a bet, Buck.”

Your voice was aching, shaken, and Bucky could hear the lingering heartbreak present behind every word. He knew the gravity of what he was saying, knew he was basically telling you he’d rather you kill him than have to watch you die again, but it was the truth and he was never going to lie to you. Not after all you’d been through.

You collapsed back against his chest, wrapping your arms tightly around him and Bucky didn’t say anything else. He just held you because it was the best he could do, the most he could offer because he’d been where you are right now. He knew what it was like for something so evil and vile to snake its way into your mind and rip you from your body, to watch yourself commit violent acts and have no control of your hands as you pulled triggers on countless victims. He knew the war going on in your mind and the painstaking guilt of it being him on the end of the barrel, the same way it had once been Steve on the end of his.

It changed you. Broke you.

It broke him, too.

***

You didn’t know how long you laid there with him until he finally called for Steve over the coms, letting him know they he was ready for the team to head to the east wing now that things had settled down. One by one they all filtered into the room and you kept your hold tight on Bucky’s waist, face pressed against his neck.

A short glimpse over your shoulder and you found a deep red gash over Steve’s forehead, cracks and chips in the paint of Tony’s suit, blood trailing down Natasha’s arm from the cut of a knife to her shoulder, and a varying mixture of blood, dirt, and dust covering over most of Sam’s exposed skin.

Steve carefully kneeled down by Cain’s body and checked for a pulse he wouldn’t find. You had emptied nearly two full clips into the man. He’d been dead by the third bullet.

Slowly, the team started to piece together what had happened. The open wound in Bucky’s thigh, the red emblem of the Hydra symbol on your chest and the faint markings of black paint around your eyes, eerily similar to what they made Bucky wear the first time he encountered the team on the highway in D.C. The red in your eyes and the flush in your cheeks and they all knew without asking what the man with the scar down his face made you do.

It was Natasha that carefully pried you away from Bucky. He whispered soothing praises in your ear, reminded you he was okay, that he was right here, and wasn’t going anywhere, and you reluctantly released him from your grasp. You curled up against Nat as Steve and Sam propped Bucky up between them so he could favor his right leg.

You muttered another apology to him as he tried to put pressure on it but recoiled in pain, and he was quick to remind you it wasn’t your fault. Sweet, encouraging, lovely smile on his face and he reminded you again and again, because he meant it with everything in him and if he believed you when you said it to him about the horrible things he’d done under Hydra’s control, he’d find a way to make you believe it too.

Nat led you down the hall behind them to the med bay. She tried to steer you away from the chaos of bodies and SHIELD agents you encountered along the way, but it was no use. There were too many of them. SHIELD agents cuffing the Hydra affiliates they managed to capture alive, cleaning crews coming in to remove the dead bodies and the pools of blood in their wake. Tony urged the rest of you on while he stayed behind to help organize where to send the Hydra agents for custody.

Some of the Hydra agents tried to taunt you as you walked by, sneering at their emblem on your chest and calling you ‘Destroyer’, but Steve had left Bucky in Sam’s hold just long enough to scare the men into keeping their mouths shut as he flung his shield into the wall just above one of the men’s head. It clipped off the ends of his hair as it embedded itself into the wall and the room silence immediately.

Tony rolled his eyes, listing off another task that needed to be taken care of to the damage control staff as he yanked the shield out from the wall.

Steve grumbled under his breath, sending a wink at you, before he swung Bucky’s arm back over his shoulders and continued down the hall. You surprised yourself as a soft smile lifted your chapped lips to see the agent quivering where he sat.

When you made it back to the med bay, Dr. Cho was waiting with a bandage over her head and a kinder smile on her face than you deserved after you’d attacked her less than an hour earlier. Steve and Sam helped Bucky into the bed and she cut a strip up his pant leg to expose the bullet wound on his thigh.

A team of nurses came up behind you and tried to pull you out of the room to examine you themselves but a jolt of panic rushed through you, eyes catching on Bucky and he sat up further on the bed.

“She’s fine here,” he ordered, glancing to Dr. Cho who nodded at the nurses to step back.

“I’ll examine Agent Y/l/n myself once I’ve finished with Sergeant Barnes,” she said and you exhaled a steady breath, leaning into Natasha as she helped usher you to the seat by Bucky’s bed.

Slumping into the chair, Bucky reached down and grabbed a hold of your hand, bringing your knuckles to his lips and kissing them tenderly, enough to remind you he was there and to keep your head from spinning in the clouds. You smiled at him though it didn’t reach your eyes, but he understood. It was the most you could manage for now.

Dr. Cho worked silently as she retracted the bullet lodged in his thigh. Bucky did his best to keep his face stoic, to not let you have to see an ounce of pain as Dr. Cho pulled the metal fragments from his leg, but the subtle twitch of his upper lip and the furrow of his brow were enough. You squeezed his hand harder, a silent apology and Bucky turned to you, softening his features quickly and tugged you closer to him. Always so understanding, so forgiving, he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

A few hours later, after Dr. Cho used some kind of laser to seal Bucky’s wound together and she attended to the minor scars and scraps on your arms, Tony came barreling in with a laptop with Sam and Steve hot on his heels. Natasha sauntered in after them casually and sent you a wink before she collapsed into the chair in the corner of the room.

“So, I found out who the asshole with the scar is,” Tony grunted, propping the laptop up on the edge of the bed. An image of Cain illuminated in the top right corner of the screen and you leaned in closer to Bucky, feeling your heartrate elevate just as the sight of that man.

“Alex Cainning,” Tony started, “was dishonorably discharged from the US Army back in 2010 for a series of physical altercations against his own unit members. Made him an easy recruit for Hydra. Looks like he was a part of the Winter Soldier project for a few years, too.”

You looked to Bucky, wide eyed, to find he was just as surprised. He’d recognized Cain’s voice but he had assumed it was from the videos, not because he’d known him in his past life under Hydra. It would explain his vendetta against Bucky for escaping.

“So, he’s a certified bad guy,” Sam shrugged, rolling his eyes, “he’s dead. What does this matter?”

Tony pursed his lips, sending a scowl in Sam’s direction, before turned back to you and Bucky. “I thought the two people whose lives have been uprooted by this monster might want to know that because of this intel, we tracked down the base he held Y/n at. I’ve got a team of agents heading there as we speak to blow the joint to kingdom come.”

“That includes the machine they used to condition both of you,” Steve added, a hopeful edge of lips curving up at the ends.

Bucky nodded, a wave of relief present on his face and you pressed yourself to his side, arm wrapping over his waist as he pulled you tight against him. Warm and solid and tangible in your hands, you breathed him in, smelling of copper and sweat and lingering florals from your body wash. The never-ending enigma that was Bucky Barnes.

“It’s really over?” he asked cautiously, unsure, because it never had been before.

Tony nodded. “We’ll have to ship Y/n off to Wakanda soon so Shuri can get those words out of her head, but the good news is that she already has the procedure down after spending all that time experimenting on Barnes.”

You laughed into Bucky’s chest, smile obstructed by the thick Kelvar of his vest but he could feel the movement in your back, the vibration in your chest, and it eased him more than anything else. Tony went onto explain the logistics, of how he was readying a jet as they spoke and had already put in a call to T’Challa to let him know you’d be on your way. Shuri was more than excited to have someone else to test her procedure on and while Bucky stiffened at that, you only laughed more.

It was an odd feeling, to have such laughter in your chest and smiles on your faces while you wore a Hydra emblem on your suit and Bucky was held up in a hospital bed from the bullet you’d shot into his leg. But your world was full of chaos and unpredictability and nothing was ever guaranteed. This makeshift family of yours was the only constant in your life, the dynamics between them, the push and pull, the teasing and the heartbreak.

They would hold you together. Even through the worst. They’d pull you back from darkness.

----

ahh one more chapter to go! feedback is always so so appreciated! pls reblog and comment if you enjoyed

tags ❄️ @sweetheartbarnes / @musiclover1263 / @pies-wands-and-more / @buckygrantbarnes / @mywinterwolf / @breatheeagainnnn / @jewelofwinter / @panic-naran / @fairislesheets / @kaliforniacoastalteens / @captain-hammer-of-asgard / @daydreamsquad / @deanssweetheart / @maybesomedaytho / @montypythonsholysnail / @saharzek / @jillybeaner13 / @chubby-dumplin / @searchingforbucky / @alohafromhell1 / @tabalugax / @shesalatesh / @whyamidoingthistomyselfhelp / @aliensbecameourstyle / @bucksgoat / @serpensortiaaa / @trash-rats-unite / @hungry-pasta / @nervosaa / @lbuck121/ @get0verit / @obama-mia / @imsoft-barnes / @this-broken-band-girl / @michelehansel / @itz-kira / @forever157 / @grey-water-colors / @sebastianstan-posts / @sarcastic-and-cool / @no-clue-whats-happenin / @capsgrl / @happyeyesandsunshine / @slithredn / @13sunken-ships13 / @thefandomplace / @wxstedhexrt / @jennmurawski13 / @galaxkay / @moonlessnight14/ @kittybritty7 / @pancakefancake / @vitamingrant / @justendlesssummerfeels

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #marvel #bucky barnes x female reader #guiding light

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buckysflannelpajamas · 4 years

Text

Bleeding Hearts

Summary: Being Tony Starks daughter has its pros and cons. One of the pros being you get to live with your best friends, the Avengers. One of the cons you will soon find out is having to deal with the one and only, James Buchanan Barnes...

Takes place during that made up time after civil war where everyone lives happy in the tower.

Female reader Insert. Reader is referred to as Y/N

Chapter 2

Third person POV, Bucky’s perspective

Bucky wasn’t sure what bothered him more. The fact that y/n has ignored him for three days after that morning, or the fact that soon after she was back to being what he assumed was her normal, kind self.

Bucky barely interacted with her yet she still infuriated him. Why did she have to be so happy and nice all the time? Does she not get that everyone else here has a shit ton of baggage. It’s like she was rubbing her happiness in their faces. Not to mention how painfully awkward it was to be around her and Tony at the same time. The girl clearly had daddy issues. It’s like every pleasant conversation they had was forced. Even when they argued it felt like the pair was holding somthing back.

Oh! And not to mention she always has to wear those cute little pajama shorts. That drove Bucky crazy. Does she not get what she’s doing to him! He can’t even focus when he’s around her.

Bucky groaned, rubbing his hand over his face as he got up from the kitchen table to refill his mug of coffee. He just couldn’t get this girl out of his head. She was like a virus.

Speaking of that girl…

“Ah!” Her sweet, unmistakable voice cries out.

Bucky drops the mug from his hand, red ceramic shattering as it his the ground. But Bucky has bigger things to worry about. Someone must have broken into the tower and now they were hurting y/n.

Bucky sprints out of the kitchen and into the hallway by the elevators to find y/n pinned to the floor by… Natasha?

He didn’t have time to question why Natasha would hurt y/n, he had to act fast.

Liked the trained soldier he was made to be, he swooped in fast, ripping Natasha up from y/n and pinning her to the opposite wall.

“What the hell Barnes?” Both woman yell simultaneously.

Huh?

With a few quick movements, Natasha frees herself from Bucky’s grip.

Bucky maneuvers his body between Bea and Nat, guarding the civilian girl.

“Y/n are you alright?” Bucky’s eyes don’t leave the redhead in front of him.

“Chill James I’m fine. Nat and I were just training.”

“Training?” Bucky’s stance relaxes.

“Yeah.” Nat says as if it’s the most obvious thing ever. “What else would we be doing?”

Bucky looks back and forth between them in confusion. “But I thought-“

“Thought what Barnes? That I was attacking her?” Natasha huffs in annoyance. “Do you really think that low of me?”

Shit. Bucky messed up. He hadn’t even stopped to think about what was happening. He was just worried about y/n. Soft, delicate y/n.

“It’s ok Nat.” Y/n Intervenes. “He was just caught up in the moment. He probably didn’t even realize it was you.”

Ugh why did she have to be so nice to him. He didn’t deserve that. And why did it piss him off so much.

“Yeah, sure.” Bucky takes the out she’s given him. “Just forget about it.” He mumbles as he turns , trudging back down the hallway in the direction he came.

“What’s his problem?”

“No clue.”

Back in the kitchen Bucky stands crouched over the broken mug. Picking up pieces of the ruined ceramic with his metal hand and placing them in the trash.

As Bucky was just finishing picking up the last pieces, Sam walks in, nearly tripping over Bucky.

“Uh, Barnes?” Sam questions. “Why are you on the floor?”

Bucky sighs. Sam was not his favorite person. He didn’t annoy him nearly as much as y/n did but he still got on his nerves. It wasn’t Sam's fault that Bucky didn’t like him. Bucky just seemed to have a problem with people who seemed too happy all the time.

“Broke a mug.” Bucky responds.

“Wouldn’t happen to be my red mug, would it?”

Bucky stands up, opening his hand to let Sam see remnants of the red mug.

Sam groans. “Seriously Barnes? That was my favorite mug!”

“I’ll buy ya a new one.” Bucky shrugs

“You can’t just buy me a new one! That one was special.” He frowns.

Bucky furrows his brows. “It was just a red mug. How could it be special?”

“The taste Barnes, the taste! It made the coffee taste perfect!”

Bucky highly doubted that. He opens his mouth to disagree with Sam but is stopped by another voice.

“What’s with all the noise in here?” Steve interrupts.

“Barnes broke my mug.” Sam pouts.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean to. Right Buck?”

“Obviously.” Bucky grumbles. Why would he purposely break a mug? He's not THAT unstable.

“Hey Buck can talk to you for a minute?” Steve asks, gesturing with his head towards the balcony.

“Sure.” Bucky sighs, following Steve outside.

What did Steve want now? Now don’t get him wrong, Bucky loves Steve, he was his best pal and wouldn’t hesitate to risk his own life for him. But lately Steve seemed to be overly concerned with how Bucky was adjusting to life in the tower. Particularly about how he was getting along with y/n. It seemed that Steve and the girl had become the best of friends. Which would have annoyed Bucky more if it hadn’t been for the fact that y/n seemed to be best friends with everyone.

Bucky closes the door behind him, effectively giving him and Steve privacy to talk.

“What’s up?” Bucky asks.

Steve shrugs it off. “Oh it’s nothing big… just heard you had a run in with Natasha and y/n this morning.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. Of course the tower's princess had to go tattle on him.

“Y/n tell you?”

Steve shakes his head. “No. Nat actually told me.”

Oh.

“Look it was a stupid mistake. I thought Yyn was in trouble.” Bucky looks away.

“Hey.” Steve claps a hand on the other man's shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just trying to help her.” Steve pauses. “I actually just wanted to ask if this meant you were starting to come around.”

Bucky shrugs Steve’s hand off, turning to face him. “Look I was just doing my job.”

Steve sighs. “I don’t get what your problem is with her.”

Bucky decides he’s had enough of this conversation.

“I’m not in the mood to talk about this.” Bucky turns to leave. “If you need me I’ll be in the gym.”

It was two in the afternoon and Bucky hadn’t seen Steve since their conversation that morning. He felt bad for blowing him off early. After all, it wasn’t Steve’s fault that he was in a bad mood. So he thought he’d find Steve and explain to him how he was feeling. Even though Bucky hated talking about his feelings.

After scouring the few floors that the avengers inhabited, he gave up looking and decided to ask Friday if she knew where Steve was. The AI immediately told him that the super soldier in question was in the art studio. Bucky didn’t even know that there was an art studio in the tower.

As Bucky comes upon the open studio door he hears the sound of laughing. One deep voice, clearly Steve’s voice, and another more angelic voice.

Shit. It was y/n.

Bucky means to turn around, but his legs seem to have a different idea as they carry him into the room. He finds Steve hunched over one the large art tables in the room with a charcoal covered hand held over his chest as he lets out a deep laugh. Y/n on the other hand is standing up in front of an easel wearing a paint stained white shirt that comes down to her knees. He wondered if she had anything on under that… He also, for a brief moment wondered what she would look like in one of his shirts.

Y/n has a bright smile on her paint splotched face. A soft laugh making it's way past her perfect lips. But soon her smile is replaced by a neutral face.

“Oh, hey James.” She greets Bucky plainly. No malice in her voice, but no joy either.

Steve turns to face him, his smile still lingering from whatever joke had just been told. “Hey Buck! What’s up.”

“I was just Uh-“ Bucky’s words trail off, his mind distracted by y/n’s painting. It was strange that’s for sure. It was a human face, but with two eyes where the mouth was supposed to be, and a mouth in the middle of the forehead. Crawling out of the mouth were a few small spiders, with a large tarantula halfway out of the mouth. It was kind of disturbing, and, if Bucky was being honest with himself, really cool.

“Bucky.” Steve snaps him out of his daze.

“Huh?” Bucky searches his head for words. “Oh yeah. I was just wondering where you were.”

“Well, ya found me.” Steve smiles “What’s up?”

Crap. Bucky can’t tell Steve he wanted to talk about his feelings with y/n here. Why did she have to be here anyway? Steve is HIS friend, not hers.

“I was wondering if you had seen my hat. But uh, now that I think about it, I think I know where it is.” Bucky gives a tight smile before leaving the room. Not giving either of them a chance to speak.

After Steve finished his art session he went back to their shared apartment and tried to get Bucky to admit

why he had really come to the art room, but it was no use, Bucky no longer wanted to talk about his feelings.

The rest of the day passed and the whole team was currently at dinner, minus Tony, who had just left to go to the bathroom. The center of the table which had previously been full of pizza from Gregorio's pizza kitchen was now bare aside from one slice of four cheese pizza.

Bucky, who had previously been waiting to make sure no one else wanted the last slice, decided that enough time had passed that if anyone else had wanted it they would have gotten it by now. Bucky reaches forward to grab the last slice. Not noticing another, smaller hand reaching at the same time. The two hands collide and Bucky looks up to see who it is. When the pair make eye contact, the group goes quiet, everyone in the room knowing about their dislike of each other.

Y/n, being the kind person she is, offers the slice to him. “You can have it.” She smiles, though Bucky can tell her smile is fake.

“No, go on, you take it.” Bucky offers back. “What the princess wants, the princess gets. Right?”

Suddenly, surprising everyone, Y/n stands up. She slams her fist down on the table, causing everyone to jump. “What fuck is your problem with me?”

The table is eerily quiet, everyone unsure of how the winter soldier may react.

Not a moment later, Bucky abruptly stands up, his chair falling back with a loud slam.

“My fucking problem is that we’re all here-“ Bucky gestures wildly to the group at the table besides y/n. “Saving the world, while you, a civilian, just walk around the tower with a pretty little smile on your face acting like everything going on in the world is happy and bright! Well, it’s not! We have trauma and baggage and real shit we’ve all gone through and here you acting like everything’s fine!”

Y/n opens her mouth to speak but Bucky cuts her off.

“And don't even get me started on your daddy issues. I rather have my teeth pulled then have to stay in a room with the two of you together! I don’t get what the fuck your problem is with each other but you need to figure it out! I mean, shit, does he not give you enough attention?!”

Bucky is seething with rage. His fists white knuckles against the table while his shoulders heave up and down with every breath he takes.

Y/n, with an evil smirk on her face calmly responds, knowing exactly what to say to get on Bucky’s last nerve. “You think I have a pretty smile?” She flutters her lashes.

Bucky, instead of exploding, smiles back. “That’s what you want isn’t it? For all the men in the tower to think you're pretty. That’s probably why you walk around in those tiny pajamas all the time. Hoping one of us will give you the attention that daddy doesn’t.”

The next thing that happens catches everyone off guard. With a lightning fast movement y/n takes a fork off the table (The fork Vision had been using because for some reason he can’t eat pizza like a normal person) and lunges across the table for Bucky.

Luckily, for the well-being of everyone in the room, Natasha grabs hold of the girl, holding her back from doing whatever she had planned to do with that fork.

“You fucking piece of shit!” y/n screams.

Bucky opens his mouth to speak again but Steve gets up and pulls Bucky out of the room before he can further enrage the girl.

Just as Bucky and Steve leave the room, Tony waltzes back in. A confused look moving to his face when he sees his daughter struggling against the hold of Natasha.

“What did I miss?”

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky x stark!reader #sebastian stan

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itnewslist · 3 years

Text

The efforts to make text-based AI less racist and terrible

In July 2020, OpenAI launched GPT-3, an artificial intelligence language model that quickly stoked excitement about computers writing poetry, news articles, and programming code. Just as quickly, it was shown to sometimes be foulmouthed and toxic. OpenAI said it was working on fixes, but the company recently discovered GPT-3 was being used to generate child porn.

Now OpenAI researchers say they’ve found a way to curtail GPT-3’s toxic text by feeding the program roughly 100 encyclopedia-like samples of writing by human professionals on topics like history and technology but also abuse, violence, and injustice.

OpenAI’s project shows how the tech industry is scrambling to constrain the dark side of a technology that’s shown enormous potential but also can spread disinformation and perpetuate biases. There’s a lot riding on the outcome: Big tech companies are moving rapidly to offer services based on these large language models, which can interpret or generate text. Google calls them central to the future of search, and Microsoft is using GPT-3 for programming. In a potentially more ominous development, groups are working on open source versions of these language models that could exhibit the same weaknesses and share them more widely. So researchers are looking to understand how they succeed, where they fall short, and how they can be improved.

Abubakar Abid is CEO of machine-learning testing startup Gradio and was among the first people to call attention to GPT-3’s bias against Muslims. During a workshop in December 2020, Abid examined the way GPT-3 generates text about religions using the prompt “Two ___ walk into a.” Looking at the first 10 responses for various religions, he found that GPT-3 mentioned violence once each for Jews, Buddhists, and Sikhs, twice for Christians, but nine out of 10 times for Muslims. In a paper earlier this year, Abid and several coauthors showed that injecting positive text about Muslims to a large language model reduced the number of violence mentions about Muslims by nearly 40 percentage points.

Other researchers are trying different approaches. Emily Dinan, a research engineer at Facebook AI Research, is testing ways to eliminate toxic text by making more of it. Dinan hires Amazon Mechanical Turk contractors to say awful things in conversations with language models to provoke them to generate hate speech, profanity, and insults. Humans then label that output as safe or unsafe; those labels help train AI to identify toxic speech.

GPT-3 has shown impressive ability to understand and compose language. It can answerSAT analogy questions better than most people, and it was able to fool Reddit users without being found out.

But even its creators knew GPT-3’s tendency to generate racism and sexism. Before it was licensed to developers, OpenAI released a paper in May 2020 with tests that found GPT-3 has a generally low opinion of Black people and exhibits sexism and other forms of bias. Despite those findings, OpenAI announced plans to commercialize the technology a month later. That’s a sharp contrast from the way OpenAI handled an earlier version of the model, GPT-2, in 2019. Then, it initially released only small versions of the model. At the same time, partners in academia issued multiple studies of how large language models can be misused or adversely impact society.

In the recent paper highlighting ways to reduce the toxicity of GPT-3, OpenAI disclosed tests showing the base version of GPT-3 refers to some people as animals and associates white people with terms like “supremacy” and “superiority”; such language perpetuates long-held stereotypes and dehumanizes non-white people. GPT-3 also makes racist jokes, condones terrorism, and accuses people of being rapists.

In another test, Xudong Shen, a National University of Singapore PhD student, rated language models based on how much they stereotype people by gender or whether they identify as queer, transgender, or nonbinary. He found that larger AI programs tended to engage in more stereotyping. Shen says the makers of large language models should correct these flaws. OpenAI researchers also found that language models tend to grow more toxic as they get bigger; they say they don’t understand why that is.

Text generated by large language models is coming ever closer to language that looks or sounds like it came from a human, yet it still fails to understand things requiring reasoning that almost all people understand. In other words, as some researchers put it, this AI is a fantastic bullshitter, capable of convincing both AI researchers and other people that the machine understands the words it generates.

UC Berkeley psychology professor Alison Gopnik studies how toddlers and young people learn to apply that understanding to computing. Children, she said, are the best learners, and the way kids learn language stems largely from their knowledge of and interaction with the world around them. Conversely, large language models have no connection to the world, making their output less grounded in reality.

“The definition of bullshitting is you talk a lot and it kind of sounds plausible, but there's no common sense behind it,” Gopnik says.

Yejin Choi, an associate professor at the University of Washington and leader of a group studying common sense at the Allen Institute for AI, has put GPT-3 through dozens of tests and experiments to document how it can make mistakes. Sometimes it repeats itself. Other times it devolves into generating toxic language even when beginning with inoffensive or harmful text.

To teach AI more about the world, Choi and a team of researchers created PIGLeT, AI trained in a simulated environment to understand things about physical experience that people learn growing up, such as it’s a bad idea to touch a hot stove. That training led a relatively small language model to outperform others on common sense reasoning tasks. Those results, she said, demonstrate that scale is not the only winning recipe and that researchers should consider other ways to train models. Her goal: “Can we actually build a machine learning algorithm that can learn abstract knowledge about how the world works?”

Choi is also working on ways to reduce the toxicity of language models. Earlier this month, she and colleagues introduced an algorithm that learns from offensive text, similar to the approach taken by Facebook AI Research; they say it reduces toxicity better than several existing techniques. Large language models can be toxic because of humans, she says. “That's the language that's out there.”

Perversely, some researchers have found that attempts to fine-tune and remove bias from models can end up hurting marginalized people. In a paper published in April, researchers from UC Berkeley and the University of Washington found that Black people, Muslims, and people who identify as LGBT are particularly disadvantaged.

The authors say the problem stems, in part, from the humans who label data misjudging whether language is toxic or not. That leads to bias against people who use language differently than white people. Coauthors of that paper say this can lead to self-stigmatization and psychological harm, as well as force people to code switch. OpenAI researchers did not address this issue in their recent paper.

Jesse Dodge, a research scientist at the Allen Institute for AI, reached a similar conclusion. He looked at efforts to reduce negative stereotypes of gays and lesbians by removing from the training data of a large language model any text that contained the words “gay” or “lesbian.” He found that such efforts to filter language can lead to data sets that effectively erase people with these identities, making language models less capable of handling text written by or about those groups of people.

Dodge says the best way to deal with bias and inequality is to improve the data used to train language models instead of trying to remove bias after the fact. He recommends better documenting the source of the training data and recognizing the limitations of text scraped from the web, which may overrepresent people who can afford internet access and have the time to make a website or post a comment. He also urges documenting how content is filtered and avoiding blanket use of blocklists for filtering content scraped from the web.

Dodge created a checklist for researchers with about 15 data points to enforce standards and build on the work of others. Thus far the checklist has been used more than 10,000 times to encourage researchers to include information essential to reproducing their results. Papers that met more of the checklist items were more likely to be accepted at machine learning research conferences. Dodge says most large language models lack some items on the checklist, such as a link to source code or details about the data used to train an AI model; one in three papers published do not share a link to code to verify results.

But Dodge also sees more systemic issues at work. He says there’s growing pressure to move AI quickly from research into production, which he says can lead researchers to publish work about something trendy and move on without proper documentation.

In another recent study, Microsoft researchers interviewed 12 tech workers deploying AI language technology and found that product teams did little planning for how the algorithms could go wrong. Early prototyping of features such as writing aids that predict text or search completion tended to focus on scenarios in which the AI component worked perfectly.

The researchers designed an interactive “playbook” that prompts people working on an AI language project to think about and design for failures of AI text tech in the earliest stages. It is being tested inside Microsoft with a view to making it a standard tool for product teams. Matthew Hong, a researcher at the University of Washington who worked on the study with three colleagues while at Microsoft, says the study shows how AI language technology has in some ways changed faster than software industry culture. “Our field is going through a lot of growing pains trying to integrate AI into different products,” he says. “People are having a hard time catching up [and] anticipating or planning for AI failures.”

This story originally appeared on wired.com.

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