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local-triggerhead · 3 years

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[Theory/Analysis] The Motives of Each Eugenicist

Wow, look at me rising from the graves and dusting off this account after 800 years like it's nothing. Your Trigger hype beast is back baby, if any of you still remember me.

This post contains spoilers for both Gridman and Dynazenon.

Ahem. I want to make this post to gather my thoughts and better understand the antagonists of the show, as they aren't heavily featured and explored like Akane. It's just my own analysis based on what I can observe in the show, so some parts would be more vague and generate different interpretations. This analysis may seem obvious to some and not so much to others, but I hope it'll offer some clarity regardless. Tl;dr at the bottom.

The General Motive

It's pretty much given in the show. The Kaiju Eugenicists wanted to destroy humanity and create a world where themselves and kaiju can live and be accepted. They believe that the world is a better place as you're no longer being tied down by human bonds, granting you unrestricted freedom beyond even the laws of physics. This is their shared goal. However, each of them have separated purposes and things they want to achieve along with this.

Onija

Let's start with the 2 more obvious cases. Onija clearly stated what he wanted to do - kill all humans. How many times did he yell this out? It's kind of shoved-in-your-face. No other Eugenicists expressed this desire as strongly as he did. At the base level, he simply wanted to live. He was brutally killed once and was determined to not let it happen again no matter what. This is why "I thought I was dead" was a constant running joke. It's also why Onija had a deep personal grudge towards Gauma and humans, who were the cause of his death 5000 years ago.

Juuga

Juuga had a deep admiration for Gauma and looked up to him. Unlike Onija, he didn't wish to oppose Gauma, but to make an alliance instead. When the Eugenicists first appeared, Juuga said:

It's clear from this line that he wanted things to be the way it was 5000 years ago, where they were a group of friends working towards the same goal. He missed and yearned for that carefree time. The original Eugenicist group was the most important thing to him. You can see that he never fought with any other Eugenicists, but remained calm and passive towards them at all times. This attitude only extended towards the Eugenicists, as he had no qualms about killing anyone else for his goal, including the Dynazenon crew.

Even when Mujina stole Dyna Striker, the first thing that came to his mind was using it to negotiate with Gauma and get him back.

Mujina

These last 2 Eugenicists are slightly more complicated to pick apart, as they process things more internally.

At first, Mujina was very indecisive and didn't buy much into this kaiju thing. All she wanted was to finish it quickly so she could leave. She was lost in life and just followed the other Eugenicists around because she had no directions of her own. Then Mujina found Koyomi, someone who also didn't have anything going for himself and just plainly a loser in his life. He was someone she could feel related to. Mujina's attitude supposedly changed after she was tackled by Koyomi, but I believe this just pissed her off and only played a part in her personality shift. The other cause, I think, was Sizumu's encouragement, where she "realized that kaiju is all [she has] got" and that she had to take responsibility for her actions.

Koyomi came to play a major role in episode 11, when Mujina witnessed him starting to look for a job. The only person who she could feel related to was unaffected by the aftermath of the kaiju and moving forward with ease. Meanwhile, Mujina, who had just found her purpose in life, lost it once again and was now completely stuck, as the future where the Eugenicists could live and be accepted was destroyed. When facing such a crisis, one would seek to put the blame on something for all of their problems, and Koyomi just happened to be the perfect target.

Sizumu

Toughest one to crack here, but I'll shoot my best shot. In the beginning, he opposed the Dynazenon crew the least among the Eugenicists. He suggested against killing them, had the most interaction with Yomogi and Yume, and suggested Mujina to return Dyna Striker for seemingly no reasons at all. His main reason for not killing Team Dynazenon was to see more kaiju, and getting close to Yomogi and Yume was for his kaiju to absorb their emotions. However, I believe there was another underlying reason that tied his actions together. He was looking for an alliance.

Contrary to Juuga, the alliance he was looking for didn't only include Gauma, but Team Dynazenon as a whole. To understand why he searched for this, we must first look at what he was. He had an ability that allowed him to hear kaiju voices, which gave him a much deeper understanding of kaiju compared to the other Eugenicists. Due to this, while the others more or less thought of kaiju as a mean to create a world where they can live and be accepted, Sizumu would consider kaiju as his own kind, so much so that he had a severe disconnection with humans. He distanced himself away from even the Eugenicists, almost as if he only tagged along because they shared the same basic goal.

He didn't seek to understand humans, but instead for humans to understand kaiju. His goal was to create a world where not only the Eugenicists were accepted, but kaiju themselves were accepted. He believed that the world was better off like this, because, from his perspective, kaiju could liberate people from human bonds and offer them unlimited freedom. To me, this is rather hypocritical as he never understood why people tied themselves to these bonds in the first place, so he wasn't in a position to say what was better and what wasn't.

Sizumu was the only Eugenicist to mention this kaiju power and express his distaste towards human bonds. He explained this very early on to Yomogi and Yume, and why did he do this, you may ask? Why, to help them understand his views and create an opening for a potential alliance, of course. If his only purpose was to absorb their emotions, then that's quite a lot of unnecessary effort to make himself look friendly and approachable to an uncanny degree, especially when being "friendly and approachable" wasn't his forte. No, he was testing the water to see if he could get them on his side.

Then came an unexpected opportunity for him to determine once and for all if Team Dynazenon can understand and accept kaiju. He let a failed kaiju run free and distracted the Eugenicists away from it (with a tactic he learned from Chise) to see what the Dynazenon crew would do. Some people said that it's to test if any of them were kaiju user, and while that's possible, I think it's a little unlikely. Sizumu only observed them at 2 instances, first was when they started the search for the kaiju, the second was when their beam destroyed the kaiju. Unless the kaiju voices could tell him, there would be no way for Sizumu to know if any of them used Instance Domination, until the very end when Yomogi used it on him. The likelier hypothesis would be: he saw them searching for the kaiju > he saw the kaiju being killed > he surmised that kaiju couldn't exist peacefully with Team Dynazenon, and didn't seem to be particularly happy about it.

From then on, Sizumu decided that they couldn't be his allies thus no longer approached Yomogi or Yume. It seems that he arrived to this final conclusion:

And this is where the series itself left off. Kaiju simply can't co-exist with humans. They are irregulars to the human society. Furthermore, the freedom that they offer can't be allowed to exist as running away from society and real human connections is wrong, even if reality is ugly and difficult to face. This is what make the series similar to Gridman. However, unlike Akane, the antagonists of Dynazenon failed to realized this and didn't get their happy ending.

(A detail that I'd like to mention is that Sizumu was silent during the entire final battle in contrast to the other Eugenicists who were pumping themselves up. It was like he was saying, "Didn't want to do this but I guess you left me with no choice". Though silence can mean anything so it's not a concrete evidence.)

TL;DR and Final Words

This is so much longer than I thought and I really apologize for it. I just don't want to make anyone do logical leaps when reading this post.

Tl;dr:

- Onija wanted to live and had a grudge towards Gauma and humans for causing his death.

- Juuga wanted Gauma to join them again and for things to be back the way it was 5000 years ago. He cared for nothing outside of the Eugenicists group.

- Munija wanted a purpose, found one, then lost it again. She envied Koyomi for regaining his sense of purpose and moving forward with his life.

- Sizumu wanted humans to understand kaiju and a world where kaiju can set humans free from their bonds. Initially considered an alliance with Team Dynazenon, but concluded that them (and people in general) couldn't understand kaiju after all.

- Final message of the show: Go touch some grass and talk to humans you fucking weebs.

Misc

When using Instance Domination, the palms of the Eugenicists always face towards the kaiju. The only exception is the last battle where Sizumu's palm faced towards himself, indicating that the kaiju was inside him. I believe that it was located at the center of his chest, where he shot out that weird magical light beam. Just a small thing I find interesting.

If we want to take it a step further, I believe the seed inside him had already grown into a kaiju, but it was still relatively small until he used Instance Domination on it. Eerie, huh?

And this is more of the theory territory and leaving the analysis, but this could possibly be why he was able to hear kaiju voices. Chise was able to understand Goldburn and translated for him at the end, so maybe having a kaiju inside of you would allow you to understand other kaiju somehow? If this is the case, he would probably have had the kaiju inside of him since 5000 years ago.

There's also this big brain moment from a 4chan user. The resemblance between Yume and Juuga is kinda uncanny considering they're both obsessed with the past.

That's it boys. I'm gonna crawl back into my hole until next century, or until Trigger drops Edgerunners. 8/10 show, VERY underrated gem. Trigger won't stop saving anime.

This post but on Reddit:

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mageofseven · 4 years

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Could I request MC hanging out with the brothers but having a hard time enjoying it cuz they’re stressed from school? How long would it take for each of them to notice MC just isn’t having fun and what would they do?

Of course, Nonnie! I actually really like this prompt~

Lucifer:

The oldest noticed within the first day of them being stressed

However, he left them to handle it on their own, thinking it was just a rough day and that they should be better by tomorrow.

When tomorrow came and they weren't better, the man grew concerned.

He invited them out to dinner Friday to take their mind off of whatever has been plaguing them.

When the human didn't seem to be able to relax during dinner, he simply sighed.

"Please, tell me what has had you so tense these last few days."

They told him that their Devildom History class was getting too overwhelming; there was too much that happened in the last few millennia and too many dates to remember. They felt they couldn't keep up like the rest of the class could.

"MC, the rest of the class has been studying this material for a few hundred years at least." The man reminded them. "Neither Diavolo nor myself expects you to work at the same level as the other students."

He admired that MC took their studies seriously, but found it silly that they would compare themselves to students who were so much older than themselves, even if they didn't appear so.

After dinner, he took them for a relaxing evening stroll, which helped the human clear their head a bit.

Mammon:

He knew within the first couple of days they were stressed out.

The second brother took them out to a party and usually they loved parties, but that night they just... felt weirdly distant. They would say that they're having fun, but it all just seemed... force.

The man didn't like it. He pulled them to the side.

"Oi! Enough with the fake smiles, Human!" He told them. "What's with the silence?"

MC stared at the ground.

"I...I failed the exam last week." She mumbled. "The teacher handed the tests back Monday and it was the worst I've done yet."

Really doesn't understand it.

Yeah, he gets anxiety when he fails stuff too, but that's only 'cause of Lucifer. He doesn't actually care about his grades beyond that.

Takes them home since they aren't really feeling it. The two hangout in his room, blasting music as they curl up on the couch together.

MC is still upset, but appreciated the closeness.

Leviathan:

Doesn't really notice at first, too absorbed in the video game.

When he finally passing the level he's been struggling with for the past hour, he turns to MC, seeking praise, but the human isn't looking at the screen or him, but rather into space.

Immediately feels dejected. Is he boring them? Probably. Who could have fun with an otaku like him? That's the thoughts running through his head that start spilling from his mouth.

MC has to reassure him for a while that what he's worried about simply isn't true before explaining things.

The amount of classes you were expected to take here at RAD was... overwhelming. Eight different classes that demanded so many hours of studying outside of it.

MC didn't even feel like it was okay to be spending time with Levi right now because her anxiety kept screaming at her that she was falling behind.

Boy is instantly awkward upon hearing about their stress.

How...how was he supposed to help? The otaku did not have the social skills for it.

MC sighed.

"I should...probably just head back to my room--"

Panicking, Levi grabbed their arm.

"Levi?"

The man looked away before tugging them close, letting the human lay their head on his shoulder.

"J-Just... relax." He mumbled, face red.

MC gave the demon an odd look before giving a small smile and snuggling into his side.

It didn't solve their issue, but the human appreciated his worry.

Satan:

Noticed the stress as it developed.

MC was struggling to keep up in their Seductive Speechcraft class and it was taking its toll on them.

Didn't want to say anything until they come to him however; this is their business after all and he didn't want to bug them about it if they just wanted to handle it by themselves.

Still quietly worried though.

Invites them to his room one evening to read together, hoping some quiet time will help them relax.

He saw that their gaze usually found it's way more towards the window than down at their book however.

The man sighed, lowering his book.

"Alright, please tell me about it."

"Huh?" They turned to him, confused.

"You have concerns about the Seductive Speechcraft material, correct?"

"I... yes." They mumbled, looking away from the blonde.

"Well, what about it is stressing you out?"

MC blushed.

"I... I understand most of it from a theoretical standpoint, but... the actual use of it all is difficult for me. I always score low on the practical exams."

The demon smirked.

"Well, I suppose some practice would be the answer."

The two have a rather enjoyable study session. It was actually useful to the human though and they felt more confident with the material.

Asmodeus:

Notices it while the two are out shopping.

Asmo just came out of the dressing room and expected compliments about the outfit. When they never came, the man pouted.

Despite loudly announcing his entrance, the human was still staring into space.

"MCCCC, Look at me!"

MC glanced at him.

"Looks great..."

The fifth brother huffed.

"Doll... what is it?"

MC sighed and just kept it vague, saying school was just a bit much for them right now.

Asmo frowned. He went and paid for the outfit before leaving with the human.

He dragged them straight to his room, earning a confused look from the human.

Spa Day, begin! Massages, nail polish, face masks, the whole nine yards!

The two talked and Asmo listened his Doll vent about some other students in her class talking shit about them, even though MC was pretty sure they had never talked to those demons before since coming to the Devildom.

Hypes up his human tells them how wonderful they are and that those demons obviously have no life.

Tells them that those jerks aren't really worth their time-- but if MC is interested in revenge, he's got some dirt ready for them.

Beelzebub:

Probably the brother who is the most sensitive to their mood shift.

It comes with the territory; Beel is more or less the rock of his family, helping them out whenever he can

And, especially when it comes to Belphie, Beel has learned to be observant with these sort of things.

So when MC first showed signs of stress, the poor boy was worried.

He's still a pretty quiet guy though so he wasn't really sure how to approach the topic with them.

Asks them to walk with him to Madam Screams

It was a quiet walk. Once there, he managed to get them to order something though, which made Beel feel a little better.

On the walk back, that's when he decided to speak up.

"So," He finished the last bite of his donut. "Are you feeling okay?"

The human shrugged.

"I dunno." They stared at the brownie in their hand. "Just kinda... I dunno."

Beel, not interrupting them, gives MC a minute to collect their thoughts and continue.

"Hey... is it possible to drop classes at RAD with me being an exchange student?"

The redhead raised an eyebrow at the human.

"Nevermind, it nothing..."

"Are you having trouble with a class?"

MC stared down at her feet as she walked.

"Maybe..." They mumbled. "My Hexes class is just... it goes a bit too fast for me. I don't think I'm really learning anything."

The demon listened as the human talked about how behind they were in the class and how overwhelming it was. At one point, they even started tearing up.

Beel stopped in his tracks, pulling them into a hug.

MC looked up at him surprise.

"It'll be fine." He promised. "Let's go talk to Lucifer about this, okay."

The human nodded, causing a tear to fall on her cheek.

Before they could wipe it though, Beel did for them.

"Let's go home." He gave them a small smile.

MC smiled back.

Beel felt that he couldn't do much to help, but was glad he could direct them to Lucifer, who could.

Belphegor:

This boy notices more than people think.

The human just seemed out of it during the day

And even sought him out for naps when it was usually the other way around

MC just seemed so disconnected from him and his brothers those last few days, not to mention a bit tense.

That's what led them to the planetarium.

The two laid on the floor, looking up at the ceiling.

Though the human still seemed distracted, they at least seemed calmer.

That wasn't enough for the demon though.

He gave a big sigh.

"So what's the problem?"

"Huh?" MC looked over at him, confused.

"You heard me; what's your problem."

The human bit their lip.

Belphie rolled his eyes and pulled the human to his chest.

"You can talk to me, Dummy."

"I just... I've been having some trouble at school is all."

Belphie narrowed his eyes.

"What trouble?"

MC sighed.

"There's this guy in my Hexes class who... he's not all that nice." They explained. "He put a fake flame on my uniform Monday and made me embarrass myself in front of the class while trying to put it out... and all my teacher did was shame me for not recognizing illusion spell he used."

Belphie's arms tightened around them.

"Give me a name."

"Belphie, no."

"Why not?"

"Because I know what you are going to do and I don't want you getting in trouble for me."

The boy huffed, annoyed.

"Then tell Lucifer or something; don't let them get away with that!"

"But... if I tell Lucifer, the teacher will probably get in trouble too and the last thing I need is to get on their bad side, especially in a class I already struggle with."

"Then maybe he could get them replaced or something, I dunno, but you shouldn't just lie down and take it."

MC didn't say anything, just hid their face in his chest.

The demon closed his eyes, letting himself calm down before laying his hand on their head.

"I care about you, Butthead." He told them. "Now you gotta start caring about yourself too."

The two ended up falling asleep together on the floor. Nothing really change, but cuddling up with Belphie and explaining the situation really did make them feel a bit better.

#obey me #obey me otome #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me mc

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cami-chats · 3 years

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Controlled Explosions

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Warnings: Normal superhero shenanigans

Summary: Tony doesn't go out of his way to create explosions. He just happens to be in a lot of situations where things explode, and that's hardly his fault, is it, Steve?

Five times Tony is the cause of an explosion, and one time someone else tries to be. Written for MTH2020

Read below or on AO3

1. Define 'controlled explosion'

"You said it would be a controlled explosion," Steve said.

"Yeah," Tony said, confused, and still-- if he was being honest-- having a little trouble hearing. He'd been a bit closer to the bomb when it went off than he'd meant to be. "It was."

"That was not controlled!"

At some other time, it would be fascinating to see the differences between Steve in Captain America mode and when he wasn't. When he'd been in Cap-mode, talking to Tony about how setting off the explosion early might be a bad idea, he'd been very calm about it all. Now that he was just Tony's boyfriend, he was kind of freaking out.

Tony blinked at him in confusion. It had been controlled. "The previous location of the bomb would've brought the whole building down. I know you don't really understand chain reactions, but suffice it to say that we saved an entire city block by moving it."

"For fuck's sake, Tony! I told you to go ahead because you made me think it was going to be safe!"

"I never said it was safe. I said that it was safer than letting it go off where it had been placed, which was true."

"You said it would be a controlled explosion!"

"And it was. Maybe you should look up what an uncontrolled explosion looks like," Tony said, patting him on the arm then getting on his tiptoes for a quick kiss before leaving. He needed to take a shower and get some of this grime off. He heard Steve say something in response, but it was too low for him to really make out with his ears still ringing-- and not facing him, so he couldn't read his lips and try to piece it together. He imagined that it was something half-loving and half-derogatory, since that's what Steve usually did when Tony did something dangerous in the field. If it was really important, Steve would say it again.

2. Who knew that artifact would explode?

Despite what some people-- like Steve, Coulson, the rest of the Avengers really-- thought about Tony and his workshop, he did practice safe procedures. What they didn't seem to really understand was that there were situations where he could be safe and shit would still go wrong.

Like this. This was an alien artifact, and Thor was out of contact dealing with royal Asgard business-- presumably; it's not like he'd filled them in, just said that he had to go home and would be back as soon as he could-- so Tony was guessing. He had on thick gloves and goggles, and he wasn't even touching the glowing sphere directly, which was progress that he thought they should be appreciative of. He had tools. Not as easy to work with as his own fingers, but it was still good enough that he'd been able to pry away part of the outside protective, metal shell.

He gingerly placed the tongs on the inside and made to turn it so he could confirm that it was the same all around, but he didn't get the chance. An explosion rocked the workshop, leaving a crater where his table used to be and blowing him halfway across the room.

"Huh," Tony said, then started coughing. Bright side? He still had all his fingers. The tongs he'd been using were vaporized as best he could tell. In fact, everything metal within a foot of the sphere was now gone. Tony's gloves were untouched. He pulled one off and slid the goggles off his face so he could get a better look at them. The lenses were fine, as expected. Most of the components were plastic, but there were a couple places that had metal pins, just to help hold it together. The pins were gone. One firm tug, and the strap would disconnect from the lenses.

Half the team-- the half that had been in the Tower-- came running into the room. Tony gave a half-hearted wave, still coughing.

"What happened?" Natasha asked.

"Well, let's look on the bright side," Tony said roughly, pushing himself to his feet. "I'm still alive." If he'd been closer to it when it went off, it would've taken a chunk out of the arc reactor. Its range had been small enough that he was safe. It was obvious that things hadn't gone as wrong as they could have, so he didn't see why they were looking at him with that much concern. He coughed again. "Maybe I'll call the Fantastic Four to take this one over." He didn't want to, but he hadn't been having any luck with it before it took a bite out of his workshop. If nothing else, it wouldn't instantly kill any of them if they were standing too close. Besides, Reed was pretty good about passing information back to him. And if there was any superhero group he had to work with, he'd choose the Fantastic Four every time.

"Yeah, I don't think that really answered the question," Clint said. "You're lucky Cap's not here, or you'd find yourself wrapped in a blanket before you took another breath."

Tony flipped him off. He should probably go to medical. There hadn't been any smoke, but he was coughing like there had been. What a pain.

3. Oxygen works differently here

Other planets were weird. He could tell, just by breathing, that the air here wasn't what they were used to. The good news was that they were all still alive and were going to stay that way for a while. The Guardians-- short for Guardians of the Galaxy-- were explaining a few things to Steve. Apparently, the villain that had transported them here was one that had beef with the Guardians, and Steve wanted to be prepared in case it happened again.

Tony knew that he was going to have to wait until they were done with the official superhero talk before he had a chance to ask them about atmosphere, gravity, and what it was like to have more than one moon. He also had a few questions about the air, because this was definitely not the cocktail he was used to.

He was feeling... high, almost. It could be any number of things, but higher oxygen levels would be the answer easiest to solve on his own. If he lit a match and it burned bigger than usual, it was oxygen. If it was brighter, it was nitrogen. If it did both or a weird mixture of other stuff, he'd have no idea what it was without taking a sample of the air and analyzing it. Chemistry wasn't his strong point when it came to the sciences, but he knew the basics. Enough to make sense of breathable air, at the very least.

Nothing wrong with a little test. He had a laser in the armor, but that wasn't as predictable as regular fire even though it was easier for him to access. He had a lighter in one of the fingers of the armor, so he held his hand as far away from himself as he could for a better view, and activated it.

It went off like a fucking firework. Tony deactivated the lighter almost as soon as he'd started it, but the damage had been done. "Shit," he bit out, jerking his hand back, but he could tell that his hand had already been injured. The suit was protected from the outside, not the inside, and since it had been his lighter that had started it... yeah. That shit stung.

Even after turning off the lighter, the fire persisted. Tony cocked his head as the flames stayed where it had stared but lasted longer on its own than a fire could on Earth without something to hold onto. Despite knowing that nothing was helping it keep burning, Tony couldn't help but peer at it, trying to find a wick or gas line.

That was a bit more than he'd expected. It took a full eight seconds for the fire to burn itself out.

"Huh." Weird. He really should ask- that thought stopped cold when he turned and saw everyone staring at him.

"Dude," Sam said.

Steve's mouth was slightly ajar, like he wanted to ream into Tony for being stupid but didn't know where to start.

"In case anyone was wondering, this air isn't the same as what we have on Earth."

"Yeah, thanks Tony," Natasha said dryly.

"Always happy to help. Uh. Anyone got burn cream?"

"Is he like this all the time?" one of the Guardians-- a new one, Tony didn't remember their name-- asked.

"Yeah," Steve said.

4. Home-made, on a budget

"This has got to be one of the worst things we've done," Steve said under his breath.

"Is it?" Tony asked absently, looking at the chemical breakdown of the fertilizer. Hmph. Better for soil probably, but not really what he was looking for. He put it down and picked up the brand next to it. Ah, this was more like it. He set it down and squatted to get the big bag and add it to the cart.

"No weapons, no intel. Why aren't you freaking out?"

"No weapons is a very closed-minded view of the situation, babe."

"What, are you going to drown people in fertilizer?" Steve asked. He sounded genuinely confused, which was weird. Tony had thought everyone these days knew that fertilizer could be used in explosives.

"Just keep pushing the cart and leave this part to me," Tony said, because he figured that giving a quick chemistry lesson in the middle of the gardening section was a bad idea. See? He was getting better at this whole pretending-to-be-a-normal-person thing. No matter what Clint said.

"I'm not stupid," Steve said, and Tony was familiar enough with him to catch the irritation there.

"Never meant to imply you were, but I figured we should get in and out before we get caught." Ooo, Christmas lights. He didn't know what he would've done if they'd had to buy normal lightbulbs for this; it would've taken like five boxes instead of just the one, and they would've been less effective since they were for everyday use and used a completely different composition for the bulb covering. "Besides," Tony said, aiming a grin back at him, "you'll probably figure it out as we put these together."

"You're making stuff we can use," Steve stated, like he hadn't really known what they were doing here. Tony would like to pretend to be offended that Steve thought he'd be gift shopping at a time like this, but he'd done that during a crisis before. Then, "Are you sure it'll be powerful enough?"

"We're not blowing up a bunker. This'll be plenty. There's a lot more firepower in everyday household items than you'd think."

"Clearly," Steve muttered.

"Trust me, Cap, by the time we're back in the Tower, you'll know enough to be able to put together your own pipe bomb for the next time you get stranded like this."

"I'm hoping this is the only time."

"With our lives?" Tony asked, raising an eyebrow. "What kind of odds are you being given on that? I don't think even a hundred to one would be worth it when you know you're going to lose. Or rather, I know you're going to lose, and since I have more experience, I feel like you should listen to me."

Steve rolled his eyes, but with more humor than before. Apparently, knowing that Tony had the situation in hand was enough to soothe all of his worries.

"Hey, you should be happy this place even has a hardware store. There's like, one gas station with a McDonald's attached, and then this store. I don't think I'd be able to do a lot of damage with whatever I could find in a McDonald's."

"I have faith in Iron Man's ability to save us," Steve said, and when Tony glanced at him, he was looking at him fondly and with a healthy dose of love thrown in for good measure. He'd gotten used to that expression on Steve's face in a hurry.

5. Bucky agreed with me

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Famous last words, Tony knew, but it really had. He'd tell Steve that he regretted it, if that's what he wanted to hear, but he held that it was a good idea. That it was bad for PR was hardly his fault, and frankly, he didn't understand why it would be bad for PR anyways. It was a Hydra base! They were Nazis, and everyone hated Nazis. If anything, him and Bucky should get a thank you card for performing a public service.

He got the distinct feeling that Steve wouldn't agree with that, though.

"What were you thinking?" Steve asked, looking a little frazzled around the edges. Given that he was having to deal with Tony and Bucky for this, that made sense. Normally it was one or the other. Now, he was outnumbered.

"It seemed like a good idea," Tony said, and Bucky nodded.

"A really good idea," Bucky added.

"You blew up a building!"

"There weren't any other buildings around it," Tony said.

"No civilian casualties," Bucky said.

"It's still personal property damage, and I thought we all agreed to try and cut down on that."

"Do we care about Hydra's personal property?" Tony asked, frowning. He'd been under the distinct impression that they didn't. For fuck's sake, it was Hydra they were talking about.

"Officially, the Hydra organization itself didn't own the building or the land," Steve said.

"How do you know that?" Bucky asked curiously, which was a good point. Since when did Steve pay attention to details like that? It wasn't exactly something he could know just from paying attention to the situation.

"Agent Coulson told me. As our handler, it's his job to know those details and share them with us as he sees fit."

"Damn, are you quoting the handbook now?" Bucky said, raising an eyebrow.

"Besides, if Agent is our handler, then it's his job to take care of the buildings we blow up."

"Tony, stop missing the point on purpose."

"Who said I'm missing it on purpose? Maybe I'm missing it on accident, you don't know."

Steve gave him a flat look. "You can't go around blowing up buildings just because you feel like it." He looked at Bucky. "I get that you want to, and as your friend, I support you. As the team leader and another Avenger, I have to tell you to stop. We don't get to do whatever we want."

"Yeah yeah, there are rules, we all agreed to them, we'll be better next time, all that jazz," Tony said, throwing an arm around Steve's shoulders and getting up on his toes to give him a quick kiss.

Steve just sighed. "I love both of you, but seriously, what the hell?" He put his arm around Tony's waist since he didn't move to walk away. "We've been fine on this for a couple years. What made this different?"

Tony and Bucky shared a look. They hadn't agreed not to tell anyone, but there had been an unspoken understanding that the less people knew about it, the better off they'd all be. "It was a research lab," Bucky said, and he left it at that. They didn't need to elaborate what kind of research, because Steve knew that any research Hydra was doing was bad news. The only way they'd had of making sure that none of the research was recovered was by getting rid of the entire building. Whatever hadn't been destroyed in the initial blast was then rendered unrecoverable when the roof collapsed on top of it all.

Steve glanced between the two of them. He knew that basic research wouldn't have gotten this reaction, but Hydra didn't do 'basic' research; there wasn't any point in being an evil organization if you were going to be moral with your experiments. Tony could see it on the tip of his tongue that he wanted to ask what kind of research, but none of it made it out of his mouth. "Okay. You know the speech. Don't do it again, formal apology if Agent Coulson says it's required, all that crap."

"Done," Bucky said immediately, and Tony gave Steve another soft kiss in thanks. They both knew that Steve was on their side for stuff like this, but sometimes he wanted so badly to be a good Captain America that it muddied the waters.

+1. Half-heart, Half-bomb

"I guess that's one explosion you finally don't have to worry about," Tony joked with a tremulous smile.

Steve smiled back, just as weakly. They were both pretending. Tony wondered how long that would last before Steve couldn't take it anymore and worried over him in a more obvious manner. It would probably last all the way up until they were back home, with the doors shut and no outside eyes on them. Then he was going to worry like the world's biggest mother hen. For now though, Tony was grateful for him trying.

The whir of the quinjet was comforting to him now like it had never been before. Tony didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd been in dangerous situations a hundred times before, as Iron Man. Hell, he'd been in more dangerous situations than the one he'd just gotten rescued from.

The problem, he guessed, was that... well, this one hit closer to home. It was the arc reactor. It was a part of him. Having that be turned against him felt like a betrayal, somehow.

Since becoming Iron Man, he'd done his fair share of starting fires and creating explosions-- more than his fair share, if you asked Steve. With Obadiah, he'd used the first arc reactor that Howard had built as a bomb. A small one, considering the amount of firepower it had, but a bomb all the same. To see the same thing happen to his own had been nothing short of a nightmare. The kind of nightmare that woke you up in the middle of the night, shaking and clammy. He'd woken up from a drugged sleep and seen wires coming out of his chest. He hadn't been convinced that it wasn't a vivid hallucination, at first, but it hadn't stopped him from panicking.

They got to the Tower, headed inside, and went straight to their room. Well, officially it was Tony's room, but it was only a matter of time before Steve moved in.

"You want to talk about it?" Steve asked.

Tony rubbed over the arc reactor reflexively. He couldn't feel any sensation from it, but he could feel the heel of his palm on one side, and the tips of his fingers on the other. The fact that his palm wasn't skipping over emptiness did quite a bit to reassure him that he was fine. The problem, of course, was that he already knew he was fine. He was here, and he wasn't in pain. Steve was here, and they weren't in a battle. He knew that everything was fine.

Now if he could just stop freaking out about it.

"It wasn't even a good bomb," Tony said, the words slipping out of his mouth one after another. "Like, can you imagine making a bomb out of someone's pacemaker, so it would kill them, but you're not even going to get the destruction radius that you want? The arc reactor has so much energy that you could easily level a city block, but with the way they did it, it wouldn't have gone more than ten feet. It wouldn't have made it through a wall if I'd been standing right next to it. What kind of bullshit villain do you have to be to not know how to properly make a bomb? The only one it would've killed was- me, and- it's not like there aren't easier ways of- doing that. It's like-" He was having trouble breathing now. He was talking himself into a panic.

Steve wrapped him up in a hug, and Tony hid his face against Steve's neck. "They're stupid, you're not. We're gonna wake up tomorrow and get to do whatever the hell we want, and they won't be able to. It's gonna be okay. We all know you're better at this than anyone else, right?" he added on the end, smiling a little to try and raise Tony's spirits even though he couldn't see him; Tony always said that he loved Steve's smile.

"Yeah." He took a shaky breath in. It was weird; he felt like he was closer to falling apart now than he'd been while it was happening. Once he'd figured out that he wasn't trapped in the middle of a nightmare, he'd been able to deal with it. Grace under pressure or something, he guessed. It didn't make much sense to him for why he should be so calm then only to fall into pieces now. And he did. Fall into pieces, that is.

Steve just held him and said, "You're safe now. I've got you."

He didn't cry, not really. Mostly he stood there, shaking and clinging to Steve like a lifeline. He knew that he'd feel better by tomorrow, but for now, he let himself feel bad.

#stony #marvel #fanfic #steve rogers #tony stark #my writing

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girlmeetsliv3 · 4 years

Text

Lilies of the Valley IV

A/B/O!BTS x Reader

Flowers can have different meanings depending on the flower shape, color, and method in which they are presented. Lilies are my favorite for such a simple flower can have so many distinct meanings.

"...The day lily also serves as a symbol of coquetry. Because it blooms at sunrise and closes at sunset, it shows that it doesn’t intend to stay around long.”

Release Date: 05/29/20 @ 7 pm

previously ~ next

When YN opened her eyes, she immediately recoiled with disgust. "Fuck." She jumped out of bed and searched through her bag until she found her suppressants. YN had long gotten used to the symptoms of preheat to know when to begin the medication. It made her feel strange, especially when her heat came but it was the lesser of two evils. Now that she lived with four alphas, and three betas, she didn't want to take any risks. Even if they were more than twenty feet away in their luxurious mansion. In her groggy state, she chugged two pills down and placed the carton, although threw is a better word, on her bedside table near her phone. Then she headed to the bathroom, ready to begin her day. It was the delicious smell of food that dragged her out of the bathroom ten minutes later, with a towel wrapped around her now clean body.

"Morning." Hoseok stood in the middle of the room with a plate of golden waffles, topped with strawberries and syrup. YN was so preoccupied with the sight of the food, that she failed to realize the predicament she was in. Until the alpha's darkening gaze reminded her of the state of undress she was in. "Um", YN held up her finger quickly gathering some clothes and rushing back into the bathroom to dress. Idiot. Why didn’t I sense him? That was worrying, even in her preheat state she should be able to sense another alpha near. When she exited the bathroom again, the plate of food was set down in the countertop of the small kitchenette. The alpha in question was seated in the corner of her bed.

“Sorry to intrude, but I figured you were hungry. Plus, I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable given what happened last night.”

Right, last night had seemed to prove her worst fears true. Still, Jungkook’s behavior was bizarre. In all the time, YN had known him the alpha had never been so unstable. “What did happen last night?" Hoseok shrugged as if it was nothing out of the ordinary when their behavior had proved the opposite. "Jungkook gets a bit anxious around you. He still blames himself and hates that he screwed up to the point where you reject us." She already knew this, but that wasn't what had scared her last night. It was their reactions to it: how the men seemed so calm, yet quick to assert their dominance. How Namjoon's words had suddenly shifted the way Jungkook behaved.

Hoseok, seeing her discomfort, stood up and walked towards her cautiously. "YN," he placed his hand on her shoulder near where her mark was. The small action caused it to throb and she was sure he noticed. "I'm sure you're aware that alphas tend to butt heads. It's instinctual and Jungkook liked to test us often. We had told him not to bring it up, but we should've known better." YN remained silent. Not sure how to respond to Hoseok. Jungkook was a brat, that much was true, but he didn't seem like the instigator type. Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think you do.

"Sure, yeah. Whatever you say." Hoseok smiled, dropping his hand from her shoulder. "Eat your waffles before they get cold. Seokjin made them with lots of love." She couldn't help but grimace at the last part but Hoseok only chuckled. The man excused himself, waving goodbye and telling YN to call him if she needed anything. Reluctantly, she took a bite out of the waffles and it hurt her pride to admit they were good. So good in fact, that she had all but licked the plate clean in five minutes. After washing it, she headed straight for her bed. Disconnecting her charging phone from where it rested, YN failed to notice what was missing. Upon unlocking the screen, a plethora of messages greeted her.

The most worrying were the emails of all the aids that had been lost once they had been 'notified of her change in status.' It seems the world truly was out to get her. The money her parents gave her was barely enough for rent; how was she supposed to pay for insurance or anything else. I can’t do this anymore. A migraine was settling in, mixed with her preheat and ever-growing frustration at her situation - YN wanted to cry. Not that she would, but she really wanted to. Letting out a deep sigh, she turned towards her side. Casting a look outside the glass doors towards the house.

Out of all of them, Namjoon was the one she was closest to and even that was a relative term. She trusted him in a sense, he was the lead alpha and controlled all of them, but YN knew how flimsy Namjoon was to apply said power. Last night was one extreme but from what she could remember he tended to be lax with his mates. Entirely the opposite of most alphas, YN knew. Then again perhaps the incident had been a sobering moment for Namjoon. YN could only hope. She didn’t have his number, so it meant she would have no choice but to enter the house. Mustering all the strength she could, YN stood up and made her way towards the house.

Namjoon's room was on the top floor, room was a bit of an understatement, as with the size of the manor YN had an inkling that the rooms resembled apartments. Namjoon's however was a full-on penthouse with what might be the largest bed she'd ever seen. Don’t even think about it. The man in question was seated in a large chair in the left-hand corner of the room, staring into a computer screen whilst on the phone. Their eyes met and Namjoon flashed her a quick smile before beckoning her into the room, signaling one of the chairs in front of the desk. YN may not have been able to sense Hoseok before, but this room reeked of Namjoon's woody, coniferous scent. She had been in the room for less than a minute but was sure the alpha's scent had already clung to her body. I’m going to have to shower again.

Namjoon was speaking far too low for YN to be able to pick up on anything he said, but from his tone, she could tell it was important. She sat down in one of the leather chairs and looked around the room trying to distract herself. The room was minimalistic in nature, most of the furniture either being made of wood or having wooden accents. Back in school, Namjoon had always been a fan of nature. The two of them had met briefly when helping tend the valley, but it wasn't until she had shared a class with him that they really bonded. It was like he had known her all his life, they way clicked, YN had never experienced anything like it.

Even back then, she had known he was mated. Pack bonds were rare and a pack bond with seven men - specifically four alphas - was the talk of the school. From what YN had heard through rumors, Namjoon presented at fourteen which was the first sign of anomalies. Still, YN had always seen him as more of a beta. He was far too kind, even if his kindness had only really extended to her among all of their classmates. Maybe he knew back then. There were old wives tales that said strong alpha’s could detect sub-gender’s before people presented, but that was mainly based on stereotyping.

“You’re in preheat.” The statement caught her off guard. YN whipped her head to find Namjoon off the phone, resting his face on his hands. A teasing smile on his lips.

“How do you-”

“I can sense it. Are you? I have to know, wouldn’t want to be caught off guard.” There was something hidden in those words.

“Yes, but don’t worry. I have suppressants.” At her words, Namjoon’s brow raised slightly, but since the smile remained on his face YN ignored it.

Namjoon cleared his throat, straightening up. “I’m sorry about last night. We didn’t mean to scare you, things just got out of control. Jungkook can get a bit testy when he’s anxious and truthfully we should’ve known he would try something.” His words were the exact same as Hoseoks. Huh. YN forced a smile, “Don’t worry. Hoseok already explained things to me this morning. But, um, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.” His eyes were peering deeply as if trying to read her mind, YN cast her eyes downward to the desk.

“I hate to keep being a bother and I know that you guys have already helped me a lot.”

“YN, I told you already what's ours is yours. Whatever you want just say it.”

“I’ve lost all my benefits since under the eyes of the law, I’m mated.”

Namjoon crossed his arms, “Uh-huh.” From two syllabus YN could already garner the change in attitude. He knew where she was going with this, but wouldn’t offer her an easy way out. “I need those things in order to survive. I can’t afford to live on my own, even though I’m thankful for you allowing me to live here...I can’t do it forever.” Namjoon chuckled humorlessly, it reminded her of what she had witnessed last night. He muttered something under his breath, causing YN to meet his gaze. It was cold. Dark. Ravenous.

“I know what you’re asking of me, but I won’t do it.” YN opened her mouth to protest, but he held his hand up displaying that he wasn’t finished. Silencing her the way one might a child.

“The only way I can relinquish my claim on you would be if another alpha stepped up. Not only that, but you’d have to complete a mating bond with them. So, all your benefits would remain lost.” It was embarrassing, the condescending way that he spoke. YN was already aware of all this, but she couldn’t just give up. Couldn’t resign herself to an unfair life, simply because of what perceived was ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ “Not to mention pack bonds are extremely rare, so even if I wanted to or you wished to - we might not be allowed to break our bond.” YN scoffed, “I’m not your mate. There has never been any record of an omega displaying a pack bond.” She was tired of the excuses. “I didn’t ask to be your mate. Nor do I want to. I didn’t consent to be bitten.”

“You consented to sharing your first heat with a newly presented alpha. Both of you were reckless.”

YN stood up the chair screeching loudly against the hardwood floor. “I know it was reckless. I know it was stupid. But I wasn’t thinking in the moment, just like he wasn’t thinking. It was all instinct.”

Namjoon ran his hands through his hair, jaw now locked and YN could see how tense he was. The pheromones were radiating off him and it wasn’t helping her preheat, not at all. “If you weren’t attracted to him you wouldn’t have accepted. Hell the partial bond wouldn’t have even occurred if you weren’t mates because it's physiologically impossible.” YN was feeling a whirlwind of emotions and felt herself losing control of her body. Namjoon’s stench was too much, she was practically choking on it but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Please Namjoon.” The alpha shook his head, walking out from behind the desk and towards her. YN cowered, until his arms wrapped around her.

“Calm down. It’s okay, Lily. Calm down.” He pet her hair affectionately and YN found that she was able to breathe again, little by little. “Shush, it’s okay. I’m sorry I yelled. I promise to never do that again.” Slowly all the anger seemed to fade, as Namjoon held her against him. YN wasn’t sure how long the two of them stayed like that, but knew it must’ve been a while since her muscles were beginning to tense. Gently she pushed herself away from Namjoon, ending their embrace.

“Please YN. I know it’s been hard these past few years, but it’s been the same for us.” All the darkness was gone from his eyes, only warm chocolate remained. Namjoon eyed her mark as he spoke, “You were so close to us, but because of a mistake you were out of our grasps. It broke us.” YN shook her head, she no longer wanted to dwell on the subject. “I’ll stay Namjoon. I’ll stay, let’s just drop it for now.” This seemed to satisfy the alpha as he nodded and smiled once more. Tentatively Namjoon leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to YN’s forehead. It sent her body into a frenzy and almost triggered her heat.

“You’ve had such a long week. You should have fun, go out, relax a little.”

“Do you mean go on a date?”

“Sure, if you want to. Whatever you want, we’ll treat you to it.”

“A date with all of you?” YN was hesitant, not to mention everyone seemed on edge as of late. Especially her.

“No, not all of us. Hoseok and Taehyung can take you. They’ll behave.” It was the way he spoke that implied a reason to misbehave. There was mischief in Namjoon’s eyes and YN wasn’t in the mood nor the right physical state to find out the reason for it.

“Alright.”

YN would have rather not gone on the date, truthfully. However, if she had to choose...why couldn’t it be Jimin and Yoongi? It wasn’t that they weren’t threatening, but they seemed the least threatening. Especially compared to who she was actually going to be accompanied by.

“Ready to go?” Taehyung asked, holding his hand out. YN let out a breath she didn’t she was holding in, as she reluctantly placed her hand in his. Taehyung grinned in response, while Hoseok simply rolled his eyes at the younger. They walked side by side, until they reached the side entrance and left through their. Paying more attention now than she was when she arrived, YN noticed the camera’s. “I didn’t know you guys had cameras.” It was a casual comment, but she felt Taehyung tense slightly. Hoseok on the other hand remained calm as he turned to look at her, “We have a lot of precious things to protect.”

“So YN. Where do you want to go? Shopping? To a restaurant?” Taehyung was beaming with excitement and though the contrast between his personalities and looks should’ve unnerved her. It had the opposite effect.

“Wherever you want.”

Hoseok leaned forward to whisper in the driver’s ear, then turned to them. “Let’s just go for a drive.”

It was a nice area where they lived, much nicer than her old neighborhood. Various mansions lined the streets, each standing out in their own unique way. They were nice to look at and YN thought that going for a walk around the area might be good sometimes. It was something she used to do when she was younger, before she presented. YN had to lean over the men sometimes to get a better look, she wasn’t aware of how close she was until Taehyung cleared his throat. When she turned to face him, they were mere inches separating them.

“Sorry,” YN mumbled and sat straight up in her seat. Her thoughts were beginning to grow hazy and she had less control over herself. This heat was going to be a strong one, but strong or not her pills should’ve been working. YN had tried to take more before the date, after her run in with Namjoon resulted in her needing to take a cold shower. The packet of pills, however, was nowhere to be found. She’d looked everywhere and was certain it had to be somewhere in her room.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Hoseok teased, out of all their scents, his was the nicest: warm, fresh, almost like a sunny day.

YN shook her head, “Just wondering, where we are going?”

“Wherever the road will take us.” Taehyung answered, not even bothering to look their way.

Not that it mattered, for it seemed YN and Hoseok were in a staring contest of sorts. Both of them drinking the other in with no intention of stopping. YN’s heart began to race and she cursed herself for not being able to resist the man. “What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?” Hoseok whispered, as if telling her a valuable secret. YN raked her brain for an answer, for an answer the man could possibly want. When she came empty handed, he pushed again. “Even if its something dumb or reckless. Promise I won’t laugh.” For that one moment, YN forgot all about her fears. Out went her dislike and frigidness, in its place was comfort.

“I always wanted to get a tattoo when I was younger.”

Taehyung interlaced his hand in hers drawing YN’s attention. His smile was Cheshire- like as he spoke, “Let’s do it.”

“Maybe this wasn’t the smartest decision.”

“Don’t be a wimp.”

“It looks like it hurts.”

“It doesn’t. Stop trying to psych yourself out.”

“Taehyung enough,” Hoseok muttered as he looked over the forms once more. Confirming everything was right, he signed on the bottom and was quickly handed a copy. Now there was no backing out, though something did bother YN. “Won’t Namjoon be upset?” She hadn’t even realized what her asking that implied, but the men sure did pick up on it. Taehyung winked and Hoseok spoke with ease, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

“So, what will it be?” The tattoo artist asked, finally back after giving you some time to look over his designs. “I'm not sure. Maybe something like this,” YN pointed to a fine line of two roses, “but with a different flower.” The artist nodded and then looked up at the alpha standing beside her, “Is that alright?”

“Whatever she wants.” Hoseok answered, not even looking up from his phone. Taehyung on the other hand was observing all the different tattoos and paintings hung on the wall. He seemed interested in them, so YN didn’t understand why he didn’t get one. The tattooist turned back to YN, “Alright, what flower do you have in mind?”

“You should do lilies.” Taehyung commented, not even bothering to look up from the photographs. YN frowned, “Lilies? Why lilies?”

“I mean you do kinda smell like lilies.” YN’s eyes widened at the artist’s statement and it seemed to have upset Taehyung and Hoseok. The latter emitting a low warning growl from his throat. “Uh- I meant no disrespect. At all.” The man looked terrified and YN went to say that it was alright, but Taehyung intercut.

“Just do your job and don’t make comments about my mate.”

“Of course,” The artist scrambled to get his supplies ready and signaled YN to get in the chair. She shot a look at Taehyung and Hoseok, but both returned to whatever they were doing. Once situated on the chair the artist asked where she wanted the tattoo. Without a second of though, YN signaled to her right collarbone just below where the bite was. It would be nice to be able to look at herself in the mirror and not instantly be reminded of the incident. Of the situation she was in. Pretty flowers might be a nice distraction.

“Is that alright?” The tattooist asked once more, his voice trembling slightly. Now Taehyung and Hoseok’s attention was fully on her, more specifically her bite mark. The men exchanged a look YN couldn’t decipher, but figured it would be best not to further push them. Especially given how they reacted to the tattooer’s words.

“Whatever she wants.”

“Leave that on for two hours and then you can shower. Try not to rub that area too harshly. Oh, also apply non humectant moisturizers on it for around a month. It should be good by then.”

YN nodded to all the instructions and thanked him once the job was done. Taehyung seemed excited to get home, even Hoseok seemed to be in lighter spirits. Once they were back in the car, it dawned on YN just how exhausted she was. Her limbs were trembling and she kept zoning in and out throughout the drive. Stupid preheat. YN’s head rested on Taehyung’s shoulder while her feet rested on Hoseok’s lap. She didn’t exactly know how she’d gotten in this position, but she wasn’t complaining.

“We’re almost there.”

Taehyung brushed his fingers across her knuckles as if trying to lull her into actually falling asleep. What bit of her consciousness remained was struggling to keep her awake. When YN blinked, they had arrived home and Hoseok was helping her dismount the car. “Come on, sleepyhead.” Thankfully being on her feet, seemed to have given her the last bit of energy she needed to walk towards her room. YN bid goodbye to the men and closed the doors, going through her nightly routine half-asleep as she checked her messages.

Rosé: Hey, I have an appointment tomorrow to get a refill. Can you come with me?

YN: Sure.

Placing her phone on her nightstand, YN noticed her pills were there and decided to take two. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t be able to meet Rosé the next morning for YN’s heat struck that night.

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not-close-to-straight · 4 years

Text

Lost and Found (Eight)

Slight TW for mentions of 40′s era h*mophobia and Tony’s thanks-to-Howard internalized h*mophobia but it’s over quick.

MASTERLIST HERE

*************

“I think there’s an issue with connectivity.” Tony chewed on the end of a pen as he watched James go through a series of repetitive motions with the prosthetic arm. “Which makes no sense at all, because obviously I did everything correct. Are you sure you’re doing that right?”

“Touchin’ the tips of my fingers together?” James raised his eyebrows and tried to touch the ring finger of the metal limb together with the thumb, gritting his teeth in frustration when the joints hitched and froze. “Yeah Tony, pretty sure I remember how to move my hand.”

“Okay fine, maybe I screwed up somewhere.” Tony huffed out a breath, blowing messy hair off his forehead. “Hold your breath, this will probably feel weird.”

The twist and pop of the arm disconnecting certainly did feel weird, the tug and strain at the plates in James’s chest when his shoulder weighed heavy for just a moment and then lightened in the next alien and uncomfortable. He flinched more from the awkward noise than from any actual pain though, grimaced away from a flash of nightmare that felt like being strapped down and hurt, and when Tony paused to ask, “Alright?” he simply nodded.

Sure. He was fine.

“This will only take a few minutes, hang tight.” Tony carried the arm back to another table and James reached up to feel gingerly along his shoulder, tracing the scars from the hard stump over to his collarbone.

Seeing himself reflected in the large mirror tilted above the chair was… well it was worse than James thought it would be. Tony had suggested that seeing what was happening might make the process a little easier but all James could see was damage, ruined skin and twisted muscles and a deathly pale pallor the sun never seemed to touch.

It was awful. He was awful and the situation was made all the worse for the way Tony was distant today, this morning, last night and every night since James had blundered into the not-kiss at the Expo.

The surprisingly easy laughter from just last week was gone, the quick smiles and nearly shared thoughts non existent. Tony wasn’t being cold, but he was stiff. He wasn’t avoiding spending time together, but movie nights happened with either man sat on the opposite side of the couch now, and attaching the new prosthetic arm was the closest Tony had been to James in days.

Everything was awful and James didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t know if Tony wanted to try and fix it, or if there was even something to try and fix--

--James was right back to not knowing anything at all except his name.

My name is James and he wanted to know so much more than that.

Awful.

“You asked if I watch the news.” he tried to break the silence when he just couldn’t take it anymore. “The other day, I mean. A few days ago. Before the Expo. You asked if I ever saw you on the news?”

“Yeah.” Tony looked up only briefly and went back to fine tuning the input of the arm.

“Sometimes the uh-- the counselor that came to the shelter would sit and watch with me.” James cleared his throat, discouraged by the lack of response. “I couldn’t ever watch the news, it about killed me to see some of that stuff but Sam said most of our memories are locked into references and not-- not concrete ideas. So maybe TV would help bring some of them around.”

“Sam Wilson.” Tony stated. “Pep’s mentioned him a few times, says he does good work. Did watching TV help with your memories.”

“No.” James dug his fingers into his thigh to combat the flush of failure at the back of his neck. “No it never did. Only confused me. Would watch game shows or documentaries and it wouldn’t be right. The name of countries, you know? I would see a map or something and think I knew it, then my answer would be wrong.”

Tony cocked his head, the first real sign of interest he’d shown all day. “Huh. Can you give me an example?”

“Well there’s--” James hesitated, searching his memory for one that had stood out with Sam. “--There’s a whole lotta places where the Soviet Union used to be. Names I don’t know and cities that used to be called something else.”

“Soviet Union.” Tony readjusted one more thing on the arm, then turned to face James fully. “What did Sam say about that? Anything?”

“He told me it could be something as easy as me havin’ watched a history movie or reading a book before my accident and those are the names that stuck with me afterwards.” James’s heart picked up when Tony smiled a little. Was it possible to miss a smile after a few days? “That never sounded right to me, though.”

“The Soviet Union collapsed in December of 1991.” Tony folded his arms and leaned back against the table. “I remember that entire month vividly. If you know for certain you remember it being the U.S.S.R, then you were at least high school age studying geography before it fell. Interesting.”

James wasn’t following Tony’s thought process at all but he was so happy the beautiful genius was talking to him again, he didn’t even care. “Why is that interesting?”

“Based on that fact alone, I’d suggest you were pushing thirty which means we could narrow down search parameters and maybe get a better lead on who you are.” Tony explained, his smile growing just a little bit more. “There’s other ways to figure it out too, but nothing easy or very concrete.”

James made a ‘go on’ motion and Tony scratched through his goatee as he thought it out.

“Well, I could run some tests if you’d like, but seeing as how we’re only barely managing getting the arm on in a La-Z-boy recliner cos the other chair upset you, I bet you don’t want me poking and prodding with needles and electrodes. Totally fine by the way.” he waved off James’s objection. “I don’t like it either. It’s fine. No tests, we don’t need to do that.”

“The easiest way to find you in the system is fingerprints.” he continued. “But I ran your fingerprints the first time you came through the lab as a precaution-- don’t look like that, I do it to everyone-- and yours aren’t in the system, or at least not anything recognizable. Not a big deal, fingerprinting tech is still fairly new, it wasn’t an electronic database till the 1980’s and AFIS wasn’t halfway usable till about 2000. There’s a thousand reasons why you wouldn’t be in there, even with your military service.”

“Fingerprints.” James looked down at his hand curiously. “What else?”

“We could always do DNA testing, but I wouldn’t do it without your permission. I know some people that track you down quick but DNA testing always seems a little… invasive.” Tony tapped at the reactor casing a few times. “I’m not a fan of anything invasive. And you know, finding results would hinge solely on the idea that your DNA is already registered somewhere and if your fingerprints don’t come up…”

He let the sentence trail and shrugged. “If you really want a definitive answer of who you are beyond a guess at your age based on when the Soviet fell, I’m happy to try. There isn’t a whole lot I can’t find out once I start getting nosy, but I figured if you wanted to know, you’d ask.”

Tony waited a beat, “Do you want to know?”

No.

I don’t know.

What sort of man dreams the things I do?

“I’m okay with just James for now.” is what James said instead of everything else burning on his tongue. “Maybe the memories will come back on their own.”

Tony nodded absentmindedly and turned back to the prosthesis, so James took his slightly raw feelings and tried to distract himself by picking up a nearby photo book. All the what-if’s of who he had been were colliding with all the what if’s from the Expo and circling round in his mind, round and round until he actually felt a little nauseous, so he cleared his throat and forced the thoughts away and flipped idly through the photos.

The pictures were at least twenty years old, snap shot after snap shot of a young Tony draped all over a younger James Rhodes, laughing hysterically at a joke between them, clearly wearing each other’s clothes and other costume pieces, a picture of Tony dead asleep on thick text books while Rhodey drew various genitalia on his face in marker.

Some of the photos were dated and placed at MIT, others were at what looked like the Colonel’s home, his family scattered in the background of their antics. Only one was a formal picture, Tony and Rhodey in fit suits standing solemn at the top of the stairs but in the very next frame the boys were wrestling and pulling at each others hair and then in a third picture mid-tumble down the stairs while a woman who looked remarkably like Tony threw her hands up in clear exasperation.

It was years of friendship, years of happiness and pranks and love and James found himself smiling as young Tony’s hair got higher and fluffier style changes, the clothes got more and more ridiculous, even the cap and gown graduation picture complete with fake mustaches and crossed eyes for the portrait.

There were pictures of vacation-- Tony in hilariously printed swim trunks, a floaty around his waist and over sized goggles on his face, Tony tripping over the flippers and face planting into the pool, Tony looking slightly drowned rat-ish as he struggled back onto dry land--

“Wow.” James didn’t mean to say anything out loud but the next picture of Colonel Rhodes didn’t match the silly theme of the book at all. It was an artistic shot, all pretty angles and purposeful shadows, a whole lot of skin and muscles on display and while it wasn’t obvious if Rhodey was actually sleeping or just posing, it was clearly obvious that whoever took the picture had had only one thought in mind.

Sexy.

“Didn’t realize the Colonel was so good lookin’.” He hadn’t meant to say that out loud either and after the Expo, James should have made a better effort to not blurt things out in front of Tony, but it was too late now, the words were out there and Tony was staring at him in surprise.

“What’d you say?”

“The-- the Colonel.” James put the book down and swallowed, looking away from it and from Tony. “He’s damn good looking. You and he ah-- you’re real close?”

“Rhodey is my best friend, and yes he’s a total hottie.” Tony carried the re-adjusted arm back to James and set it aside to pick up the book too, flipping through the pictures and chuckling when he got to the shirtless one. “Oh man, he hates this picture. I tried for days to convince him to submit a photo to some ‘hotties of spring break’ calendar and he refused, so I got him blasted on tequila and then took the shot while he was passed out snoring.”

“That--” James hesitated. “That seems creepy, Tony.”

“Yeah, in retrospect, one of the creepiest things ever but eh, what’s a little creep-on between besties?” Tony’s laugh was fond and maybe even a little melancholy as he set the book down again. “I labeled the picture as ‘Honeybear in the Near Nude’ and I really thought he was gonna kill me. Really did. Actually feared for my life the rest of that semester.”

“...That was the last spring break we had together before graduation.” Tony added after a minute. “Maybe the best week of my life.”

“Did he win--” Bucky stopped when an alarm chimed somewhere in the lab, and the first few lines of Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy started playing. “-- I know this song. What is this?”

“The Andrews Sisters.” Tony snapped his fingers and the music turned up a few notches. “How do you know it?”

“How do you know it?” James returned, his mind spinning with lyrics he knew and a beat he knew and holy shit he’d definitely danced to this before, suddenly James knew he loved dancing.

“It was my Auntie Peggy’s favorite song.” Tony took one of those nasty smoothies from Dum-E. “She taught me to dance to this kind of music and I set it as my alarm because it’s such an unusual sound these days that I couldn’t ever ignore it.”

“I know this song.” James said again, and it was incredible to know something beyond how much pressure it took to snap a man’s collarbone and whether or not the walls were thick enough to stop a bullet. “I love this song.”

“I don’t know if I love it-- hold still, please.” Tony set the prosthesis up to James’s shoulder and notched it in with a few clicks. “--but it makes me think of Peggy, which makes me happy and means that I’m not as cranky when I have to drink this green stuff. How does the arm feel?”

“Bout the same as last time.” James mouthed along with a few of the lines as the song played in the background. “Should I do the same sorta stuff to check it out?”

“Yeah, touch your thumb to each finger and flex your wrist as you do.” Tony instructed around a mouthful of smoothie. “If we can get past that part this time around we’ll move on to something else.”

“Sure.” James went through each motion as Tony directed, touching his finger tips together and rotating his wrist, unable to help a smile as the left hand responded perfectly to his every thought. “Feel great, Tony. This is amazing.”

“Yeah yeah, I know.” Tony’s dark eyes were glowing with excitement, and James’s concentration faltered when Tony leaned in even closer and ran his hand up the metal limb. “All the things I’ve built, and bionic man never made it to my list. I can’t believe what I was missing out on.”

Tony tried to close his hand around the bicep of the left arm and scrunched his nose in delight when his fingers didn’t come anywhere even remotely close to touching. “Alright, you can’t actually pop the knuckles on this hand but make the motion anyway, holding each finger down with your thumb like you’re trying to crack the joint. It’s a weird gesture and not one that everyone can do but it will test the dexterity of the prosthesis as well as prove how well it connects to your mind.”

James hummed along to the music as he followed the easy instruction, laughing in quiet disbelief when the new arm did everything he wanted.

I have two hands again.

I’m whole again.

I’m me again.

“All that looks good, so what we’re going to do now is--”

“Dance with me.” James interrupted and Tony stopped, mouth open. “C’mon there’s all sortsa things we can do to test this thing out but dancing would take care of most of them, right?” he glanced up at the speakers and then back down at Tony. “I love this song, Tony. Dance with me.”

“You want to dance with me?” Tony’s throat bobbed as he swallowed, expression shuttering just like it had at the Expo. “James, I don’t think--”

“I’ll go easy on you.” James tried for coaxing, for teasing, for anything besides fear of another rejection. He might not know a whole lot of anything these days but he knew this song and he knew he really really wanted another chance at whatever had almost happened at the Expo, and damn it Tony’s smile was so pretty he almost couldn’t stand it.

He felt like him all the sudden, two hands and an easy smile and even though the sight of metal gleaming along his left side triggered warning bells somewhere deep in his subconscious, James ignored them for the sake of holding out his hand and curling his fingers hopefully. “Dance with me Tony.”

Spend time with me when I feel human.

“Promise not to step on your toes?” he offered almost desperately now-- please please see me as me, I’m so close to me right now-- but his heart sank when Tony stuttered, “Uh James listen. About-- about the Expo and when we almost--I mean, that’s something we should talk about, right? Before you suggest anything like dancing?”

“Never mind.” This time it was James pulled away, who cleared his throat and blanked his expression and let his words get clipped and a little frosty, unease and insecurity warring with a little bit of self loathing for being so fucking dumb to try and fail again. “Forget I asked.”

“No wait--”

“Tony, I don’t really want to hear all the reasons why you didn’t want to kiss me.” James could almost feel himself fading away, disappearing back behind the gates in his mind as the warning bells about the metal arm started to get loud again. “Or all the ways I was misreading everything I thought I saw. Guess I’m more outta practice with this than I thought I was and I don’t want you saying yes cos you feel bad for me or anything, just leave it be.”

Silence, and James cleared his throat, tried not to let the misery and feeling of failure seep too far into his voice. “What else do I need to do to test this thing out?”

“No, don’t change the subject, we should talk about this.” Tony scrubbed his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. “Fuck me, I’m bad at this but I’ve been working on talking things out and trying to say what I mean instead of being sarcastic all the time so here we go. James, about what happened at the Expo--”

“Tony don’t.”

“--Do you think Rhodey is hot or not?” Tony burst out and James’s mouth fell open. “Do you?”

“...He’s a good lookin’ fella, sure.”

“Okay.” Tony nodded a few times. “Okay, because I think he’s hot too but it’s taken me twenty five years to be able to say that out loud. You know what I mean?”

“I--” James hesitated. “No. Sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”

“It means I’ve been pretending for twenty five years that I don’t notice anything remotely attractive about Rhodey and this is the first time in my life I’m not lying about it.” Tony’s eyes were wide, a streak of red painted high on his cheeks. “My Dad was flat out against anything like that and I don’t know if my Ma knew or not, but it’s been twenty five years and I’m just now comfortable saying it.”

“...okay?”

“And then you went and almost kissed me at the Expo and it all sort of--” Tony made a crazy motion with his hands. “-- I didn’t handle it very well and I’m sorry, but it wasn’t you, it was me and my Dad’s voice right here--” a finger to his temple. “--saying a whole lot of things. You get it?”

James wet his lips and clenched his fists and Tony kept staring, kept hoping James understood even a little bit.

“Twenty five years.” he repeated, chewing at the inside of his cheek and pressing his palm to the reactor to ease the anxious balling up inside. “And it sucks that I made it to over forty before I managed to stop listening to all that crap about who I am and who I’m supposed to be attracted to, but it is what it is. I promise you’re not reading anything wrong on my end, but I’ve never been brave enough to do this before so I gotta know-- am I reading it all wrong on your end?”

And after a quiet, shaky breath, “Do you hear all that shit in your head saying this is wrong too, or is it just me that’s a ball of goddamn conflicted?”

“Goddamn conflicted.” James repeated, and his mind went back who knows how many years ago to all the things he used to hear when he tried to hide, when he went to church in secret and tried to confess, when he gave in a few times and quit pretending to be just like the other fellas.

C’mon now, you know better than to think like that. We like dames, don’t we? Stop starin’.

The Good Book wholly condemns those who engage in perversion, James. Ask for forgiveness and move on from such sin.

Look, what we do here at night is one thing, but don’t go talkin’ bout it in the day time, I’m not a queer, you just got a pretty mouth.

Stay away from that side of town, don’t you know that’s where the fags go?

Tony was asking for understanding and for another chance, for forgiveness because of his reaction and offering an explanation that sounded an awful lot like what James heard in his head every time he thought about how beautiful Tony was.

“I’m so bad at this.”

James must have been quiet too long, because Tony muttered a curse and sat back in his own chair. “Shit. I am so damn bad at this. You know what, maybe we should call it a day and try again tomorrow, I’m clearly not up to dancing or working or putting together sentences or making any fucking sense so--”

“Tony.” James made up his mind and held out his hand again, eyes hopeful and voice as soft as he could make it. “I love this song. Dance with me?”

“Okay.” Tony’s fingers shook just a little as he placed them in James’s palm. “I love this song too.”

*****************

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy wasn’t a slow song by any means, and Tony was several years past his last dance lesson with Peggy, but after a few mis steps and playful arguments about who exactly was going to lead, James finally flexed his left arm and lifted Tony right off the ground to announce, “If you can lift me up, you’re welcome to lead, Tony.” and Tony laughed in surprise and kept right on laughing as JARVIS started the song over and James took him out between the desks for a dance.

“You’re doing it wrong.” James chuckled and dragged Tony forward into the right steps, left hand secure at Tony’s hip and right hand clasped around Tony’s fingers lightly. “Come on, it’s swing not a waltz. Loosen up for me.”

“You don’t remember your own last name but somehow you remember how to swing dance?” Tony was out of breath already, but game to try and keep up step for step, easing his body towards pliant so James could lead them through the familiar patterns. “How’d you get so good at this anyway?”

“I know this song.” James repeated, concentrating on the give of Tony’s waist soft beneath the hard fingers and not on the headache coming along with thoughts of dancing and maybe even watching the Andrews sisters up on stage as they sang the song which-- that didn’t make sense because the song was seventy something years old at this point wasn’t it? No way he saw them perform.

“I just know it.” he decided, and then teasing, “Or maybe I’m just a better dancer than you.”

“I could ballroom dance your socks off.” Tony announced, and barked a startled laugh when James spun him out into a quick twirl. “I didn’t take six years of lessons with Madame Laurent for nothing. Swing dancing just isn’t exactly my forte.”

“Well next time I give you a lesson, make sure you’re wearin’ a twirly skirt so I can get ya above my head and take a peek, huh?” James grinned, and there his voice went slipping soft and flirty and so damn Brooklyn Tony stumbled and nearly fell when his heart jolted in his chest.

Twenty five years it took to even admit out loud that Rhodey was a damn hottie and now Tony was faced with a soldier right out of his musical-themed day dreams who could dance and smile and talked like all his favorite characters from movies he’d watched enough times to ruin the tapes.

Twenty five years to admit something as dumb as his best friend being attractive and now James was laughing with him and teasing and the mis-step at the Expo seemed ages ago, almost impossible with the way the soldier’s pale eyes were lit up right now and the way James’s fingers held just a little tighter at Tony’s waist and pulled him in close through a turn and ohhhh their bodies brushed together and Tony closed his eyes when a bolt of heat went straight to his core.

Was he so touch starved and miserably horny that a silly dance to his Auntie’s ancient music was going to get him hard?

Another turn and another touch and James’s hand slipped lower along Tony’s waist and he nearly passed out.

Yep. Yep he really was that touch starved and miserably horny.

Except not really miserable. Tony was having the most fun in the world dodging lab tables and chairs as James got more confident with his steps and JARVIS kept the song playing around them. A few banged ankles and stepped on toes were worth feeling the heat pouring off James’s chest, the steel like security of the left arm contrasted with the drugging warmth of the right hand when James cupped the back of Tony’s head to hold him steady through a quick turn and two step.

The music went on, the dance got easier, and then their legs tangled almost to the point of catastrophe and James caught Tony laughing as they crashed together--

--and Tony bit his tongue to quiet a moan when he felt James’s body reacting against his own.

“J-James?”

“Tony.” This time James knew he wasn’t reading anything wrong, this time he wasn’t going to second guess himself and this time Tony was definitely leaning in and standing on his toes--

“Shit!” James jerked away at the last second, jerked away and recoiled when everything seized along his left side and lit up painful, sparks popping behind his eyes. “Ow! Tony help!”

“Damn it, come here and sit down so I can get it off.” Moment temporarily stalled, Tony slid right back into inventor mode and pushed James down onto the closest chair so he could get to work disconnecting the new arm. “I don’t know what’s going on with this thing, I really thought I could just connect it to your shoulder but I might have to go a little deeper into your chest to fix it, maybe even do something with adjustable plates since this piece doesn’t really move, then everything could re calibrate individually as needed….”

Tony trailed off into mumbling as James lay back and tried to breathe through the pain shooting across his chest. Everything on his left side felt like it was on fire, like it used to those first few months after waking up beneath that bridge, phantom weight dragging his shoulder down and the feeling of needles in his skin.

It hurt and he growled a rough curse when Tony pushed at his shoulder experimentally.

“Sorry.” Tony said immediately. “Sorry about that. I can fix this, I definitely can. JARVIS run some simulations on using individual pieces instead of one solid on like the armor-- the arm. Not long lines like muscles but horizontal plates instead. A hundred small calculations to adjust as he moves, not three or four major ones.”

“Yes sir.”

“One two three, off.” Tony pulled the arm off and hurried it back to the fabrication station so JARVIS could take the appropriate scans and start working on the changes. “Okay, you still with me? James?”

A bottle of water pressed into James’s hand, and Tony hesitated before resting his palms on James’s thighs. “Feeling okay?”

“Feeling like shit for ruining our dance.” James grit out, honest because there was no reason to lie to Tony, no reason to hide his disappointment when he knew Tony had been having just as much as him. “Sorry about that.”

“Rescheduled doesn’t mean ruined.” Tony said the words lightly but his heart was in his throat, waiting to see if James would acknowledge the clear invitation. “Right?”

“Right.” The corner of James’s mouth crooked up into a smile. “Rescheduled.”

A smile meant good things, the invitation to another dance meant lots of very good things so Tony gathered every bit of his courage, every bit of determination he had about completing his bucket list, all the hope he’d gotten every time James smiled at him or flirted a little and all the butterflies in his stomach from their dance and said softly, so softly,--

“James, I-- I’d like to take you to bed.”

And James’s eyes opened wide and incredulous, “...what?!”

****************

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHAPTER

****************

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#ncts fics #winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes

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indigosprite · 4 years

Text

Hibari Headcanons

that nobody asked for

He likes small animals but not your usual small animals. (The way he kicked uri out in the future instead of letting the cat stay 😭) I.e he’d pick a sugar glider over a guinea pig

He hates crowds because he still hates the fact that when he was still learning to be sociable kids had the power of alienating him. He despises that group mindset that children had. In kindergarten some kids invited him to play then told him to get lost and nobody stood up for him. He has one intrusive thought and it’s that feeling. He genuinely hates crowds because it feels like an opportunity for people to get to decide who isn’t welcomed. He lowkey doesn’t want to witness that moment to happen to anyone else.

His overthinking only stops when he’s alone so he genuinely does prefer it. He doesn’t mind one or two people in an intimate setting but when it’s more he wants to disconnect.

He’s all about repaying debts quickly I think he takes this on an emotional level too so he feels if you get too close or kind he has to return that by being transparent as well and he knows he’s bad at it so he just stops you altogether by not letting you even create that environment around him. I.e in the future he’s fine in the hospital room then more people come and he warns Tsuna then beats his ass because it was getting too emotional seeing ppl visit chrome when he just wanted to check on her from afar and not hear everyone’s emotions.

He takes pictures of random things , like a leaf with water droplets, clouds from Nami middles roof , his sneakers when he’s walking. They’re not amazing but he just always does it and never shares. It’s kind of grunge but unintentionally.

He has a knack for throw blankets. He has one in every room they’re mostly black white or purple no designs except for the ones from his grandparents.

If you have ever watched Saiki k I think he has the exact same relationship with his parents. If you haven’t : he’s serious and reserved and willingly antisocial but not because of trauma and his parents are so normal and caring it’s funny in contrast. But they’re a tad bit more refined than saikis.

He was partly raised by his grandparents when he was much younger and that’s why he really loves tradition and order while his parents are hardly as strict.

His grandfather was probably a vet who joined solely to protect Namimori . Hibari has that same love for the town because of him but like his grandfather he’s in no way patriotic. They both just love this town He thinks of his grandfather when he thinks of Namimori and because he is gone now he latches on to the town even more.

His grandfather is Fon. Hear me out. Fon could have been around 40 when he was cursed , could’ve had a son young (18) but it was fine because he was a very well respected champion. The Hibaris had money and as long as he was a positive image in his career field they wouldn’t mind what he did although their lineage is that of leaders and scholars. He stopped for a bit to go into the army and when he came back he stumbles upon the mafia . His son grows up to also have a kid young Fon and his wife watch after Hibari until he’s around 7 while his son and daughter in law work extremely hard to get established in their career paths. They come back and one day Fon just vanished bc he’s cursed and hibaris dad knows he was in the mafia so he just doesn’t dwell on what might have happened but doesn’t share because he didn’t want to pain him as a bad guy to his son but they’re all pretty upset about it.

Fon taught hibari how to fight , that’s why he has his grandfathers disposition and tenacity although it’s a tad immature in comparison. Fon tells him his style will be what he picks and hibari randomly picks tonfas as his weapon. Fon has it in his house because although he uses no weapons he’s fond of their history. Fon gets him a pair of silver ones.

He’s not the brightest, he’s not as terrible as Tsuna and Yamamoto but he’s average academically. He’s not interested in excelling academically and getting a painfully respectable job like doctor lawyer or something in business. And I think his air of nonchalant attitude can only come from a trust fund kid who’s parents don’t expect them to be their carbon copy.

He literally gets himself held back just to stick around a middle school he likes and nobody objects or is worried about his future. It’s definitely secured.

He really doesn’t care about the disciplinary committee members because he didn’t mean to form it. Students have a love hate relationship with him. He was just some scary strong guy who happened to beat up the right people who were pests and they thought he did it for the good of everyone. But they realized too late that it’s really just who irritates him and that sometimes coincides with their best interest so they let it be because he’s a comforting and unsettling presence to have. Like even Tsuna acknowledges this despite being terrified of him most the time he’s always like “wait Hibari will handle it”

He likes that he has disciples because it’s a crowd he’s apart of and is the center of but doesn’t have to be too close and nobody can kick him out or make him feel unwanted.

His parents actually like that he’s respected (oblivious to the fear) as the leader of this club around town because their family is known for strong leadership and he’s applied it to what he wanted.

He likes hamburger steak because when his parents came back his mom liked to test American recipes once she moved back to Japan. This was the only one he really liked enough to ask for again

He can’t cook. At all. Hopeless. Would burn water.

He would kill you for a well made dessert. They put him in a good mood but he’s a weirdo that doesn’t like rewarding himself so it has to be a gift or offered.

He actually likes band t shirts ripped jeans boots and all of that but hardly wears it out because he finds he likes being in his uniform more.

He’s a good boxer because everyone seems to forget he won a BOXING match for royhei. Hello he couldn’t use tonfas he actually had to punch ppl. Yeah he’s strong but that’s a style of fighting he definitely learned from Fon.

He jogs on a private trail around his families property, sometimes his father joins him.

His parents know him really well. He’s not a difficult kid to them. they’re the only ones he answers to but even then they raised him to be independent so they’re not that authoritative over him.

He has a hard time listening to them because he thinks they leave him to govern himself too much and shouldn’t only get a say sometimes.

They feel bad about leaving him to his grandparents for so long but his mother says she’ll never regret making sure their lives were better for him.

They have a good relationship give or take a few problems stemming from their separation from him.

He can draw really well. I don’t know why. But he just does. He does it often on random papers his only collection being a small box his mother keeps of them. He hates when she saves them.

He’s the baby of his entire family but his father is on the higher end of his family and same with his mother for hers so everyone is always asking to see him but he refuses to leave Namimori for longer than a day or two.

He has a sister. Idk. I just feel he has a sibling that’s either way older or a toddler that spends time on trips with their mother because she doesn’t have school yet.

He watches horror movies with his parents a lot. But they have to be psychological thrillers and he always has to fight his dad with his mom on what everything meant.

He’s spoiled. He’s nonchalant about everything but when it comes down to it he is a trust fund baby who would have been sent to a nice private high school abroad.

He has been arrested but his father being his father makes an arrangement with the police force in Nami where he’s just his own independent junior division. It would explain why the people in his committee look significantly older than him sometimes😭.

Tetsyua has always been the only member who’s name he learned because he doesn’t disappoint him. He is to him what Shoichi was to Byakuran , competent in other areas and capable of surprising him. And he never made Hibari feel like he had to say anything to him for that hibari considers him to be a good friend.

Tetsu and Ryohei are the only people he finds familiar and respectable enough to converse with like a normal fucking teenager 😭.

Royhei is loud but he doesn’t mind him because the boy is ALWAYS alone training. And like him he doesn’t backdown from a fight , also he causes no trouble at school.

He hangs out with him more than you’d think but he never initiates it or stops it.

Hibari lets Royhei use his private trail to jog sometimes. His parents know the sasagawa kids well because of this, they get invited to dinner a lot.

He likes kyoko better because she’s like a quieter Royhei but just as kind and determined. He tries to be nice to her by greeting her from them to time but stops because she popular and it draws attention and annoying rumors.

She says he really hates crowds and understands how nosy people in their grade are and says it’s okay if he doesn’t wave back sometimes. She assumes he’s actually extremely shy and misunderstood. (Sis he’s just a delinquent)

It’s platonic but he actually fond of her and is nice to her and they text from time to time. She’s the only one who knows to give him sweets because they talk about them.

He tries to get revenge on Mukuro for making him associate something he actually liked enough to go view (Sakura) with humiliation and anger that he tries to return the favor. The bastard loves nothing that much so he’s still thinking.

His parents think some girl broke up with him at a Sakura filled place and that’s why he suddenly hates it. He won’t explain they’re wrong because it’s better than the real story.

He’s a history buff , but a world history buff not just Japan.

He has an admirable garden that he tends to and sells half the vegetables his chef only cooks for three and doesn’t need that many.

He likes the snow he thinks it’s calming when everyone stays home in their house while outside is cold and harsh but pretty. He makes his parents special hot chocolate on days like that. They let him drink hot wine sometimes but only a sip or two.

He’s bilingual because his parents taught him Italian when he was younger after they had come back. They also taught him a little English.

He watches a lot of American media and listens to their music as well.

On his birthday he never goes out because it’s a holiday and more people are out than usual so his family has a dinner for him and get him gifts.

His mother gives more thoughtful gifts that he appreciates later while his father indulges him and gets him stuff like a popular manga series or a meeting to upgrade his tonfas again or clothing he really likes.

#for once I am content with the list #I think I got a good amount of the ones I had in #Hibari can make friends #the unexpected hibari kyoko #love it #must be nice to have dinner with the hibaris #hibari kyoya #katekyo hitman reborn #khr #Hibari Headcanons #khr headcanon #Royhei sasagawa #vongola #best buds #not really #but close enough #hibari kyouya #headcanons

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oimoi-op · 3 years

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when were you diagnosed with t1d?

Ok, so storytime! Short answer is, as of today, barely over two months ago.

(Very long post warning y’all, contains hospital mention and extensive, possibly upsetting descriptions of health conditions, specifically DKA)

My family doesn’t really have a history of T1D or even T2D, though my second-cousin-once-removed has had T1D for over a decade now. So, there was never any reason for me to try and get tests done for it. The only sign I really had up until last semester was two copies of a variant of an HLA gene that I knew about from a 23andMe report (which, according to the report, put me at a higher risk for celiac’s and nothing else), but of course at that time I had no idea that that could mean anything serious; after all, that sort of thing only happens to other people, right?

My college started in-person classes in the latter half of August. By October, I started feeling tired, having a lack of appetite, and needing water very, very badly. I actually went to my school’s clinic, and my erratic heartbeat prompted the doctor to recommend me for a Covid-19 test. My school’s protocols meant that I had to quarantine at my home (since I live within two hours of campus) until I got a negative test result. At home, I was drinking water all the time and sleeping constantly, and my parents had commented on how I’d been losing weight. I thought these were all good things. I had been slightly overweight at my high school graduation, and I’d always heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, so I thought I was actually in excellent health even if I kind of felt like shit most of the time.

Well. Uh. I was wrong.

When finals came around in mid-November, I was just fucking tired. I’d get a decent eight hours of sleep and still have to take naps during the day. Hell, I was even late for work because I slept through one of my nap alarms. Studying was a pain in the ass. Attending classes was a pain in the ass. Staying awake for Zoom classes was a pain in the ass. I was waking up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and then I would drink the rest of my water, refill it, drink half of it again, and then go back to sleep. Finally, November 20th rolled around, and I got to leave campus. It was my birthday (yeah I am a Scorpio and that weirds all of my friends out lol), and my parents took me to Fusion. And I just...couldn’t eat at all? I love hibachi, but I couldn’t even eat half of my food. The chef even got me a delicious banana split that I had to basically bully my younger sister into eating with me.

For the next week, I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I didn’t think this was weird because I’d just had finals so yeah, it makes sense that I would be tired after exams and whatnot. I went shopping with my mom, sister, and sister’s bff. We were only out for a few hours, but I was fucking wiped out y’all, like in pain. Thanksgiving arrived, and again, I love food, I love eating, but I was not hungry in the slightest. I basically had to force myself to eat some of my favorite holiday foods just so I wouldn’t offend my mom, and then I didn’t eat for the day.

The very next morning, I was puking my guts out.

This started a pattern for the next few days: I would eat chicken noodle soup or some other food, sleep like the dead, and throw up every morning and every night. I started chugging large bottles of Gatorade constantly (which, if you know about diabetes and its health complications, did not help my situation in the slightest). I started breathing erratically after very little exertion. Like, I’m talking standing up and stretching brought about heavy, labored breathing. I weighed myself on my parents’ scale, and I was under 130 lbs. Now, for some people this might seem like a lot, but due to my height and build I could fucking see some of my ribs. That was when I started to realize that something was very, very wrong, but “losing weight is good” and I didn’t want my parents to laugh at me for voicing concerns (though, for all their faults, in hindsight, I doubt they would’ve). Yeah. Don’t do that, folks, that’s not a good mindset to have.

On Sunday, my mom took me to town to get tested for Covid. This was despite me saying that I didn’t have symptoms (which I knew very well due to some of my friends catching it at school). Rapid test came back negative, so I did a culture test. Hell, while I was sitting in the damn chair, I was about to pass out. I asked for a nausea pill but my mouth was too dry for it to dissolve. I got a cup of water, downed it all, and felt like my throat was on fire. For the rest of the day I felt so, so awful. At some point I was walking toward my bed in my room and I fucking fell. I’m fucking lucky there was carpet.

Regarding the rest of that night, things start to get blurry, for the lack of a better term. I legitimately cannot recall everything that happened that night or the following two days, so I will just try to explain it in the way I remember it best.

Around...midnight or one??? I was on fucking fire, so I went to my bathroom and decided to lie on the floor. The floor was hardwood and not at all cold, and it wasn’t fucking comfortable even in that state, but I was just in so much pain I didn’t even care. My mom must’ve heard because she found me there and asked me what I was doing. I said something about the floor. She asked me to go back to bed, but I must’ve scared her because she asked me if I wanted her to lie in the bed with me. I don’t remember what I said to her, but we were in the bed and she was trying to hug me, but she was too warm and so I told her to stop. I kept feeling this burning just below my chest, like there was acid in me (which I guess wasn’t too far off), so I would randomly sit up to try and alleviate the pain and not cry. I remember asking my mom to take me to the hospital in the morning.

My mom put me in the truck (I think around 5 am is what she told me). I remembered hearing my dad. I was lying down. Then I was awake, but I was on the floor. I thought this was wrong so I tried to tell my mom that but I guess I couldn’t talk. Then I was in a hospital bed, the ER I assume. My mom gave me some water with a sponge, and I was just so fucking thirsty. Then I was in the ICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. I didn’t know what was going on, but my mom kept giving me water with that sponge. That is all I remember from Monday.

I remember a little bit more from Tuesday. My mom said something about diabetes, but that didn’t make any sense to me because I wasn’t “fat” and I’d been losing weight, even! What had I done to get diabetes? I was thirsty and tired, so I slept a lot. At some point I really needed to use the restroom so I unhooked my IV???? (I mean I must’ve disconnected myself somehow but I can’t remember the details) which set off a shit ton of alarms and people were Very Concerned and kept asking me Why Did You Do That? But I just needed to go to the restroom, and they told me to use the Red Button to Call the Nurse (it was already there, and I now realize that we’d probably had a similar conversation about the Red Button to Call the Nurse possibly multiple times before this) in the future. A Chopped Teen Tournament from 2017 was playing on the TV nonstop. There were commercials for CGMs. I thought that God wasn’t being very funny about the whole thing.

As of now I remember even less of Wednesday, but I know that felt better. There was this diabetes specialist who kept talking about insulin and life at college moving forward, but I wasn’t really there, either because of being so out of it for health reasons, disassociating, or a combination of the two. My mom told me she had emailed a professor so he would give me an extension on an assignment that was due by then, and I remember crying because I thought that was just so nice of him. That night, this guy got me in a wheelchair and put me in another room, which I would later learn was the ACU. My night nurse was this nice woman named Tanya, who had a very thick Eastern European accent. She got me orange juice to take some potassium pills, but it felt like swallowing rocks. I didn’t really get a lot of sleep, so I was awake when the nurses changed shifts. I remember one of them expressing surprise that I was out of the ICU so early.

My mom took longer to come that day because nobody had told her I’d been moved. I’d had plain Cheerios and orange juice for breakfast, but I couldn’t really eat because my throat hurt so badly. I talked to a lot of doctors. I guess at this point or somewhere near it I accepted that I had diabetes, but it wasn’t really real until the same diabetes specialist was going over carbs. I thought I was never going to eat shit I liked ever again. I really wanted a fucking McChicken sandwich. I signed some papers for Medicaid because I had aged out of the CHIP while in the hospital. I finally texted my friends and explained to them what had happened. I was so fucking tired.

I got out the next day, so that was Thursday. Normally, I would’ve been in the hospital much longer (especially because my Medicaid hadn’t been approved, meaning no insurance had approved of my insulin yet), but Covid cases were on the rise and the hospital wanted me out of there. The diabetes specialist and one of my nurses snuck me two fast-acting and two basal insulin pens, and I was out. I ate half a McChicken, a small fry, and drank my first Diet Coke. It tasted like diesel mixed with piss.

That’s the gist of it. The hospital staff was very nice and thoughtful the entire time, I think. I felt as though everyone involved cared about my health a lot.

For those of you who aren’t T1D or just don’t know, what I experienced is called DKA, short for diabetic ketoacidosis. To simplify, I was very close to entering a diabetic coma. My sister later told me that our dad had said (I assume a doctor had told my mother, who, in turn, had told him) that I was “approximately 45 minutes” away from death. DKA happens when a diabetic (usually a T1D like me) has too much blood sugar in their body due to them lacking the insulin necessary to break the sugar down, so their body breaks down their fat reserves and muscle to get the energy it needs. This is why I lost around 50 pounds over the course of a few months (I was 118 lbs. when I entered the hospital, the lowest I’ve been since grade school). I was officially diagnosed with T1D on November 30th, just ten days after my 19th birthday, which is a little older than normal I believe. It’s...well, it’s not fun, but I feel very grateful for my large support system, and tomorrow I’m trying out a CGM for the first time and applying for both it and a pump, so things are really looking up

#personal #iamapincushion #t1d #type one diabetes #type one diabetic #dka #diabetic ketoacidosis #tw hospital #tw dka #i don't think you meant me for to respond with such a long answer #but #well #it's something i've been wanting to post for a while now and this seemed like a good opportunity

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

Text

Hi Charity, how are you? So, this must be the 5th or 6th time I write to you asking about both MBTI and Enneagram, but I believe this time it’ll be a little different because I’ll try to be very sincere, because honestly this doubt is killing me (I’m already apologizing for the text size). [For a little backstory, I introduced myself as a INTP 5w6 and you made me realize I was getting E5 wrong, you told me that I’m probably a 3, and I agreed with you; but you also told me I was a high-Fe user, but that I still refuse to believe.]

Well, the point is that I keep wondering about being 3w4 or 6w5. But the main reason for that is because I don’t want to be inadequate. The point is that I consider myself INTP, and I know that INTP E3 is a strange combination, but I really fit everything in INTP, even the Ti-Si loop, Fe grip, Se blind… I’m 100% sure of the functions I use, but I often wonder if I could be an ISFJ that had Fe suppressed (you know, due to bad experiences with people)… I know that lately I have been using more Fe than an INTP would use, but even this can be explained by me being an E3.

You could be an ENTP, but if the functions, grip, loops, etc fit INTP, then go with the easiest answer: INTP. And it does sound like you are over-indulging in Fe right now, in all your people-pleasing and “how are they responding to me???” behaviors.

So, you could be a 6w5. Some of what you said fits it. I’ll give my thoughts below.

Other reasonings to E3:

I thought I was enneatype 5 because that was my test result and I liked being an intellectual type, so I started to act like the description of the E5. I read several, many descriptions to find out how I should act in certain situations. I even “inherited” 5’s fears, and to tell you the truth, since you told me I’m not E5 it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders, it was VERY easy to stop acting like E5. <- this is a good indicator against being a 5, if you had to study and try and behave more like one to come across that way, rather than seeing these as negative things holding you back and actively working against them. There may also be some Ne involved in this, since NPs are quite good at ‘faking’ things and assuming them to be real when they are not (low self awareness is a problem especially in ENP types who go off their self-assumptions rather than detailed facts).

I overthink how everyone can secretly dislike me for being praised by teachers, getting high marks and doing different projects; so when someone actually praises me I’m even surprised, ‘cause at first I thought they were going to hate me. Basically, I want to show myself off but I’m afraid that they think I’m being a pull bag or arrogant. <-- this is way more 6 than 3. A 3 would gloat and be glad that people are noticing how exceptional they are, but 6s don’t expect praise and are a bit shocked or even suspicious to receive it.

I want to be seen, in the sense of not wanting to be excluded/invisible. I want to be liked, not in the sense of being THE popular person, but simply not having any conflict with anyone and no reason for them to walk away from me. [...] But I’ve always been bothered by being stuck with a persona and not being able to show who I really am, this is because I thought that if I showed them the real me, they would be surprised and find it weird that, out of nowhere, I act differently than I usually did, and I couldn’t bear it. <-- again, this is more 6 than 3, because your motivation is to avoid conflict and not to be popular. 6s hate conflict, rather like 9s. They also move to 3 under stress, so your line to 3 might be in play right now.

As I want to be seen, I tend to want to stand out in academic activities trying to do different things, but I also try to stand out with a different appearance, like, colored hair. I’m apprehensive about the reaction of people, but if they treat it as if such different things are nothing, I’d be very discontented. <- again, this is 6ish. Wanting to be provocative and get a reaction, feeling bummed if you do not get one, but wanting to avoid too much negativity. This is also heavily so/sp -- sp-secondaries use their body to make a statement, as their ‘playground’ area (crazy hair, tattoos as ‘body art,’ etc).

I really hate it when someone popular with my friends doesn’t treat me the same way they treat them (like, ignore me); I start to dislike such a person, I keep thinking like “why is they ignoring me? Did I do something?” but also “what’s wrong with them? Only full of bs person hates someone who hasn’t done anything inappropriate.” -> here I’m referring to such gentle sweet persona of mine. <- over-thinking reactions and creating negative scenarios? 6ish.

I react defensively to criticism, for example: after I presented a project, my professor asked me questions about it, and I didn’t know how to answer them and so I answered in a way that could be interpreted as rude; I was thinking like “what is the need to ask that kind of question? Does he want to humiliate me in front of everyone??” <- again, you are assuming the worst. 6ish.

Now, for enneagram 6:

I’ve always been an anxious person, so I try not to think that my anxiety is a sign of being enneatype 6, but at the same time… my biggest fear is being alone, not having friends, not being able to start a family. I really have a hard time disconnecting from people.

I don’t start something before I know all the necessary steps, but then I get overwhelmed by the amount of things to do and I just give up before I start.

I create fantasies of the worst scenarios that can happen and I think of a way of action to deal with them; I end up acting as if this bad scenario is real and is already happening and that is why I end up acting quite defensive, being often hostile, unnecessarily.

I seek the opinions of others about what to do, how to work, who I am (as I’m doing right now, asking you for the hundredth time…), because apparently I don’t know any of that.

I continually doubt my own characteristics, making me constantly worried that I’m being mistyped.

I usually “test” people to make sure I can share personal details with them.

I have this emotions detachment (this is why I thought I was E5…) and I tend to rationalize emotions. eg.: when I realize I’m feeling something unusual, I lose myself thinking about why am I feeling it, what may have caused it, how long have I been feeling it, how should I act with it, and then I just forget, you know, to FEEL it.

I identify with some traits of the counterphobic E6: usually when I am afraid of something, I try to face it; but it only works with normal fears, I rarely do it with things related to people. I definitely hate passivity, merging with others, not having my own opinions, so I have a somewhat rebellious nature.

I used to be quite open-minded, only more and more I have preferred the known to the changes. It’s just that, lately, some things have seemed unnecessary to change.

I’d say you are an NTP core 6w5 so/sp with a 3 fix, and possibly a 369 tritype.

#question #enneagram #enneagram 6 #submission

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jacensolodjo · 3 years

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I... honestly don’t know if I got into Shane’s mindset properly here but whatever. And I never feel like I fully grasp Jack but. Look. I wrote a Thing with them ok?? I tried lmao *Tony Stark I think I did okay.gif*

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Jack had said she wanted at least 10 minutes of solo fight time. So Shane had no choice but to wait on the hill in prone, sniper rifle at the ready. She doubted she would actually fire a shot before Charging down the hill towards Jack. Patience was not at all Shepard’s strong suit and everyone knew it. Especially Jack. Shane was starting to wonder if Jack was teasing her, testing her.

And showing off. She was showing off. They both did, they both cajoled each other into higher and higher kill counts. If they were going to kill something, let it be Cerberus fuckheads, had been the logic from the get go.

Shane watched, half-disbelieving, as Jack literally ripped the spine out of a Nemesis. As the other biotic was turning to look at the hill, Shane quickly pulled the trigger. Jack flinched, just a little, as the bolt slammed through a heavily armored Centurion that had been barely a foot away, right at the brain stem. Guess I gotta tell Anderson disconnecting the computer still works, Shane thought.

“So your way was cleaner,” Jack shrugged as she spoke over the comms.

“I’m hurt y’think that’s why I did it,” Shane remarked back, rolling her eyes even though there was no way Jack could see it.

Shane really wasn’t the sniper of the crew. She could do it, but she hated it. And her original classification had always meant her CQC was top notch. And had only grown after Project Lazarus and finally getting the go-ahead to be called ‘Vanguard’ rather than ‘Adept’.

“Yeah well, still got another minute solo,” Jack said dismissively before turning to walk back into the fray. She had lured a good number of them out of the building but Shane was sure there were quite a few waiting for them inside still.

Shane tapped the side of her helmet, swapping frequencies. On her last mission she had managed to snag the frequency codes that most of the lower-level Cerberus troops used. It was far easier to eavesdrop on them that way than trying to get EDI to hack into their system. And at the moment, she didn’t even have the Normandy nearby. The two biotics had taken a simple shuttle to this simple planet for a simple kill Cerberus mission.

“We need backup! Repeat: backup! Subject Zero and Commander Shepard are here!” a frantic voice was screaming. A little late, Shane mused, but she didn’t much care if they got backup or not. It would just put her on more even footing with the scoring.

“No backup, you are ordered to evacuate. If you stay there you will be signing your own death warrant. Do not engage Subject Zero or Commander Shepard,” a calmer, cooler voice replied. Shane wracked her brain. trying to pin down where or if she had heard the voice before.

“But we need backup to cover the escape! We’ve lost a quarter of our defenses already! Our troops are saying they haven’t even seen Shepard enter the fray yet!”

“Then enjoy dying.”

“Banes, you can’t--”

Banes?!?! That was it.

“Armistan, I’m a little offended. Why shouldn’t I have some fun on y’company’s dime?” Shane broke in, unable to stop herself even knowing it meant they’d realize she had their frequency and everything else.

“Commander Shepard, this is not the first time you’ve interrupted my work,” Banes said coolly.

“An’ the first time I did wasn’t the first time y’Cerberus fucks sicced a Thresher Maw on me.”

“Ah, so you did learn about Akuze. A shame that memorial didn’t turn out like it should have...”

“Fuck you!” Shane instantly felt her biotics activate around her. “I’m going t’ fucking rip your head off your fucking body y’piece of scheiße!”

“Now, now no need to get nasty,” Banes chided, still cool as a damn cucumber. Why the hell were Cerberus men always like this? Always knowing exactly how to just make her even more mad!?

“Once I’m done here, you’ll see how fuckin’ nasty I can really be,” Shane growled, standing up. She surveyed the area in front of her. Jack had gone inside. Damn. She had gotten distracted yelling at Banes. Holding back a sigh, Shane instead Charged down the hill and past the carnage Jack was responsible for.

“I look forward to it. Troopers, change to frequency gamma. This has been a wonderful chat, Commander Shepard, but I’m afraid it ends now.”

“I’m not done with you!” she didn’t care if the frequencies had already changed. She’d get him eventually. He had to know that.

“You are for now,” Banes said before a very soft click. Shane growled again but then turned the frequency back to the one she shared with Jack.

“Where the fuck are you?” Shane demanded, a lot harsher than she meant. She was still riled by her conversation with Banes. Dammit. She thought of apologizing but knew Jack would likely just wave it off.

“I could say the same damn thing, bitch! What, were you daydreaming out there?” at least Shane could count on Jack not much caring if Shane was a little curt.

“I eavesdropped on them. They’re trying to evacuate instead of holding the area,” Shane explained, running at her max speed while following the trail that she knew would lead to Jack.

“Uh huh. You did way more than eavesdrop,” Jack said. Shane honestly didn’t know why she thought she could ever fool Jack. Jack knew what Shane was going to do before Shane even thought it.

“You would too if you heard fucking Banes on the line using your number,” Shane returned before finally sprinting around a corner to find the meat of the action once more.

“My nu-- oh, fuck that! That’s hardly--” but Jack stopped speaking to instead fling two Guardians at a wall, smashing them into pulp within their armor.

“Hardly worth gettin’ pissy over?” Shane asked mildly, Charging right past Jack to fire off a short burst from her stolen Mattock into a line of troopers.

“Well, kinda, yeah. But... thanks,” Jack admitted, before flinging a Phantom into the air. Shane smiled to herself before peppering the Phantom full of holes as it rotated in mid-air.

In all honesty, Shane was glad to hear Jack wasn’t reacting as badly to ‘Subject Zero’. She was healing. But that wasn’t going to make Shane suddenly shrug about the use of the moniker. Especially from Cerberus.

“Also, it was kinda half-selfish anyway. Banes was responsible for what happened to Kahoku’s men. He sicced a fuckin’ thresher on me when I went to look for the missing troops,” Shane continued, seeing no point in pretending it was all selfless caring of Jack’s ‘feelings’

“Ah, damn. S’e’here?” Jack asked as the pair finally reconnected to storm down a hallway. Jack had heard the tale of woe many times when it came to Akuze, but the Kahoku mission was new. Though Jack never really cared about learning new things about Shane, in that she didn’t actually go asking, it was only natural to learn more at ‘surprising’ times. They couldn’t possibly talk about each other’s 20+ years of life in the galaxy and still have time to kill some Cerberus fucks. It wasn’t hidden history, just history they hadn’t brought up yet. The reason they worked out so well is they had no expectations of such. Their histories had to come up organically, not after playing 20 questions. They bonded because their trauma was shared, the same people had caused them both a lot of pain and torment. In different ways, sure, but still the same people.

“Nah, I dunno where he is but he definitely isn’t here. The way he said things it seemed like he was already on a ship away from here,” Shane admitted. It was a disappointment but it would be rectified.

“Well, you and I both know there’s no Cerberus fuck in the galaxy who can hide from us for very long. You wanna go after him, you know I’m fucking there,” Jack said, not even sounding out of breath yet. Shane had to admire her resilience.

“Yeah, I know. Let’s finish up here then we’ll worry about Banes,” Shane said, offering a slight smile at the other biotic. Jack smirked back then as one they literally leaped into the next battle.

#femshep #jacqueline nought #subject zero #jack x commander shepard #femshep x jack #femshack #Текст #otp: biotic bitches #my writing #me: slides in on V-day with femshack while sipping a Starbucks #long post

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carnivorousmossbeast · 3 years

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Have a smol flavorshot. Couldn’t sleep last night so I did the mech suit/dystopia/sci-fi thing. Enjoy!!

2000 tons of carbon fiber enforced steel and titanium plates stand before him, staring down at him. Somewhere in there, he knows, is a beating heart keeping the eyes so alert and posture straight. There is a conscience in there. An awareness. Intelligent life. 80 meters tall, five meters wide encased in enough protective material to build four underground shelters. And even then, sometimes the pilots die. Normally he’d have some qualms about enslaving living beings but since no one really knows what the Weidmanns are, only that after they arrived everything started going to shit, he’s hard pressed to find anything more serious and founded to say against it.

Zoro pilots one of the older ones, one that came with a name and wasn’t grown in a lab. The swirly heart on the chest plate and weird face-thingy on the back shield and DEATH spelled across its heavily armored knuckles apparently came with the Weidmann and it didn’t work until someone thought to transfer the weird designs onto the armor. Sometimes it’s a bit touchy, Trafalgar D. Water Law, but it’s yet to fail Zoro. Or earth and humanity, for that matter. And Torao, how Zoro’s predecessor Luffy liked to call the Weidmann, seems to be oddly fixated on the green-haired pilot.

For example it won’t shut down if Zoro is close by.

The World Defense Council would rather play it as though the Weidmanns are machines, not creatures forced into submission by running so much electricity through their brains that they became effectively zombies, because obviously that is seven kinds of wrong, but Torao ruined that notion when Zoro entered the picture.

The first time Zoro’s in the command panel there’s abnormally high latent brain activity. Back then the technicians called it a power surge but to Zoro it had felt different from the power surges during sims. Because the pilots are put through what essentially is torture to be sure that they have it in them to steer a Weidmann. Some bullshit about neurological overstimulation. Now he knows that sometimes, the Weidmanns wake up and devour the humans that enter their spinal canal. And fighting Kaiju while keeping, essentially other Kaiju, under control, is a task in and of itself. That explains why the command panel is designed the same way landing modules are. They’re nigh impossible to break. As though the massive armoring wasn’t protection enough. Zoro soon learns the hard way that, only because the Weidmanns help, they are not allies. Not even close. He watches a pilot lose control over the neural bridge, watches the Weidmann gain its consciousness through the eyes of Torao. It’s quick, but ugly. Sometimes he still hears the screams of his comrade turning into static as he watches helplessly how Mihawk tears the control panel out of his spinal canal and crushes it in his massive fist before dropping it into the ocean carelessly. He remembers a rumbling purr of satisfaction coming from Torao’s conscience. The next two Kaiju attacks he doesn’t let himself sink as deep into the neural bridge as he normally does, even if the soft, warm whisper of Torao is oddly comforting normally. Not then.

Primal fear dictates he remain at the surface, barely submerged enough to feel the long, insanely strong limbs. These Kaiju he doesn't slice apart with the ridiculously long sword Torao's been outfitted with. He brawls, because so close to the surface, so barely there, he lacks the fine motor control to properly wield a 70-meter longs word with electrical currents running down the blade that has teeth running up and down like a chainsaw.

Kikoku is a masterpiece of engineering. Someone really did their research for effective weaponry - and ended up choosing Texas Chainsaw Massacre as reference. Sharknado as well. Perhaps Sharknado is more fitting, since the Kaiju appear from somewhere deep within the Pacific Ocean. They're not sharks, nowhere close, with their huge legs and claws and less than aerodynamic bodies, but a terror from the ocean none the less.

The next Kaiju is one of the strongest yet.

Zoro knows without Kikoku he hasn't the slightest chance to get past its long, leathery winged arms that sport massive claws, or the insanely long tail that has a bone structure at the end of it that Zoro takes one short look at and knows, painfully aware of the implications for his neural bridge - he'll have to go in deep this time - that one hit will smash through Torao's armor like a wrecking ball through a massive wall of reinforced concrete. It will take the entire Weidmann down and damage it beyond repair.

There are two other Weidmanns running point, "got your six, Zoro" crackles Ace's voice through the comms. Boa Hancock is arguably the prettiest out of all the Weidmann, and Ace is definitely the prettiest pilot. And the fucker knows it. But Ace also knows his stuff and is one of most well known pilots. Most drops, but not the most kills. Ace is happy to run point and let others take the kill. Boa Hancock isn't strong, it heavily relies on others and teamwork isn't quite Zoro's strength. Especially not in the Weidmann. But then again, few people are good at teamwork when their attack and defense is directly tied to a 70-meter monstrosity of titanium with a serrated running blade and coated in 4000 Volts of electricity. The other Weidmann is Sir Crocodile, among the heaviest defense humanity has, and the pilot is the most cryptic bitch ever.

In her presence Zoro always gets a distinct feeling like he's the butt of a joke that only she understands. Nico Robin the strangest out of the bunch. Except she really isn't. They're all weird in the Tokyo Shatterdome.

But then again you have to be somewhat messed up in the head to even be considered for pilot training.

He takes a deep breath before sinking into the neural bridge. Torao's consciousness envelopes him like warm, summer air, smelling softly like heat and sweat and sleepiness in the shade of a tree. He's in deeper than he was with the last two Kaiju, deeper than the WDC says is green, but not where he used to go. Torao and him, they used to synch. Zoro would leave the dock being submerged at the green levels and slowly slip in deeper once the control and directing electrodes were off.

He'd be pulled from Torao the instant he crossed over the yellow into the orange line, and where he goes is deep, dark red.

Rumor has it that once you're past yellow, you start becoming part of the Weidmann. The general public is fed a pretty tale of too much neurological input and synaptic overload but the ugly truth is - you're waking the beast. You're lending your tiny, insignificant brain for them to regain their consciousness and that fries you. Only Torao has never truly been gone. It's the one Weidmann they couldn't really tame and eventually it burned through all its pilots.

Zoro sees the charts stabilizing, the brainwaves lining up sort of on top of each other, enough that he'll be able to move Torao without getting consumed. Or overpowered, torn out and crushed. He relays his data to command and gets the go. Transfer out to the ocean is oddly silent. Torao is unusually still and Zoro doesn't like it. Something is off.

They land, knees slightly bent and hands at the hilt of Kikoku, and then they wait. The Kaiju is moving towards Tokyo, but it's taking its time. While its predecessors have always taken the most direct approach, this one circles around, tests their patience. Tense silence rules between the three monsters humanity tamed to defeat their unknown enemy, with only crackling updates on how far away the monster lurks. Little crackles of static in the silence. Zoro could probably hear a pin drop if he were to unlock his helmet. Even the ocean is deceptively calm.

Zoro thinks he can see movement at the horizon, thinks he can feel a tingle of excitement, adrenaline, rushing through his veins, but he's too deep in the Weidmann to still feel his body like that. Zoro frowns. Now is not the time.

The Kaiju rears out of the water like a monster straight out of old Japanese Kaiju-movies. It's ugly, with thick leathery skin and glowing green eyes, a maw full of crooked teeth, and the leathery skin flaps attached to its arms make a good imitation of wings. He draws Kikoku and readies himself, only to be hopelessly overpowered by the monstrous creature. He forgets about the tail, sees it a moment too late and can only narrowly avoid being hit by the bone club at the end of it. The long appendage hits the Weidmann around the middle and topples him over into the ocean. Alarmed red lights blink in his peripheral vision, damage assessment is still running when the Kaiju descends on the downed Weidmann again. Zoro can hear himself growl - something isn't right he shouldn't be able to hear himself - and yanks up his arm to protect the face.

A new alarm starts blaring when the neural bridge starts to disconnect. Zoro curses up a storm and tries to disengage the neural input dampening systems that are supposed to keep the pilot from experiencing the damage. The pain of being torn apart. The Kaiju shrieks over the still body, the sound shattering through the Weidmann's massive body armor and the command pod and Zoro hears a massive growl in return. And then Torao moves. Zoro isn't in deep enough to be initiating the movement, so this is all the consciousness he's been hijacking for the last two years. Zoro slams his hands against the emergency eject panel, the weapons panels, anything really, that he can reach without disengaging the pilot safety straps. A whole lot of nothing.

He growls. It's not that he's afraid to die, because he dropped that particular piece of humanity the first time he stepped foot in a drop sim, and thoroughly erased the idea of fear when he made his first kill as the backup pilot for Mihawk, it's just that Zoro really hates the idea of not being able to put up a fight.

There's a click and a whirring noise and Zoro finally feels himself sinking deeper into the neural bridge. He stops where he is comfortable, where he went before he witnessed Mihawk tearing the command pod out of his spinal canal. There's a growl rumbling in his - no, in Torao's chest - and a very sudden yank on his mind. Zoro feels like he stumbles and for a second everything is numb and dead, and then it feels like he slips into his body, only that his body is suddenly unfathomably huge and strong. He can feel the bruised organs and muscles of his - Torao's - abdomen, the tingling in the fingertips where the insulating coat doesn't quite manage to keep 4000 Volts on their side of Kikoku's blade.

Zoro hesitates for a moment and suddenly there's a voice echoing through his mind: "Zoro-ya... Didn't take you for a coward."

#ZoLaw #AU #dystopian AU #sort of pacific rim and NGE #there’s Kaiju #because I’m too tired to make up any other names #also Kaiju literally means big unknown monster or something so sue me #I could have named them Godzilla just be happy I didn't do that #fanfiction #will update as i go #can’t promise this’ll ever be anything close to an actual story #I just had some pretty ideas and couldn’t sleep so here we are #YOU GUYS PLEEEEAAAASE ADD ANY EDITS OK?!#I’m hyperfocusing on this rn so really #you’d be doing yourselves (and me let’s not kid anyone) a huuuge favor

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horde-princess · 4 years

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A Meta on Catra’s Relationships with DT, Scorpia, and Adora

I’m so excited to write this finally ljsdflkj okay so. I’ve been thinking about why the creators would choose to center a whole season around this new character Double Trouble. They drove the plot and played a major role in a really important part of the story, Catra’s redemption. So I wanna think more about the purpose of this character and go deeper into a couple of their scenes with Catra.

tbh Catra and DT’s very first interaction says it all: DT literally takes the form of Scorpia and tells Catra “I’m about to become your new best friend.” As the season goes on, Double Trouble replaces Scorpia as a sort of artificial confidant for Catra. But it blows up in her face and the purpose of the whole thing is to shed light on Catra’s main internal conflict: her desire for love vs. her fear of heartbreak/vulnerability.

In other words, I believe Double Trouble was introduced as a foil to Scorpia. But if we think about how Scorpia is also a foil to Adora, then that means DT is like... a foil to a foil. So they’re not directly associated with Adora but a lot of what they do relates back to her. Yeah there are a lot of layers here lmao but basically what I’m gonna analyze is how Catra’s relationships with these three characters intertwine and build off each other in season 4 to set the stage for Catra’s redemption (and catradora endgame hollaaa)

So in the beginning, Catra and DT both understand their relationship to be a business arrangement. When does that start to change for Catra, and why?

Catra’s History With Betrayal

Just think about Catra’s relationships at the start of s4.. After the portal, Adora had basically severed whatever was left of their relationship, and that was shown to be weighing on Catra all season. Scorpia and Entrapta were the only other people she cared about, but Entrapta betrayed her (first by monopolizing Hordak’s attention then by refusing to open the portal), then Scorpia dared to question her decision to send their friend to die and her presence became a constant reminder of Catra’s guilt. In fact, the mere mention of Entrapta’s name in 4x03 causes Catra to snap and yell at Scorpia “we are not friends!” ... which of course isn’t true. Catra may think Scorpia’s annoying but she confided in her, her loyalty made Catra feel like she could trust her.. and that’s exactly why Catra always tried so hard to push her away. All the betrayals in her life scarred her so deeply that she wanted to avoid emotional intimacy at all costs. I’m about to get Jungian up in this shit bc we see a deep disconnect between Catra’s outward actions (her conscious) and her inner desires (subconscious) this season and it’s this i believe that leads to her breakdown in 4x10. It’s an unsustainable way to live.

Why Catra Trusted Double Trouble

So by 4x04, Catra had sabotaged her only two relationships. She was utterly alone, and vulnerable, and Double Trouble was in the right place at the right time offering their loyalty to her.. so Catra did what any emotionally stable person would do and subconsciously used a hired mercenary to try and fill the growing void in her heart. I don’t think Catra actually cared about DT much at all, like sure they got along and that matters on some level, but I think it’s more that Catra was in a vulnerable place and DT was the only one around.

So why does Catra trust Double Trouble when she won’t let herself trust anyone else? I’ve seen some posts saying it’s because Catra is self-destructive--i.e. she only seeks love from people who won’t give it to her because she doesn’t believe she deserves love--which is super true.. but I think her motivations can be better explained by saying that Catra knew from the start that Double Trouble didn’t really care about her, and that’s why the partnership was attractive to her (at first). She thought it would be safe--no vulnerability, no risk of heartbreak. But the truth is Catra’s just not as disaffected as she wishes she was.

The moment Catra really let her guard down was when Double Trouble saved her from the collapsing building in 4x04.

can we just!! talk about this scene!!!! the way her voice shakes when she says “saving me” just, oh my god... like what a touchy subject for her, right? Shes spent her whole life resenting how Adora was always trying to “save” her from everything. I’m not sure but I think White Out (2x05) was the only other time Catra thanked someone for saving her life, and she just says “thanks for getting us out of there.” So her use of the word “save” here is special and it illustrates how deeply vulnerable Catra feels this season, and more importantly it’s a sign of character development! It’s no coincidence that the theme of saving is connected between DT, Scorpia, and Adora. It’s leading up to Catra learning to replace her resentment towards Adora with something closer to gratitude.

But while the scene connects these relationships, it also highlights their differences. After Catra displays an astounding amount of vulnerability with DT, they coolly reply “well, I live to serve... for a price, of course.”

This right here is the first step of Catra’s breakdown. Suppressed desires making themselves known, one half of her heart rebelling against the other. She was pushing away her real friends and finding hollow companionship with someone she thought she wouldn’t get attached to, but it happened anyway.

The difference between Double Trouble and Scorpia must have become glaringly obvious to Catra in that moment. Whereas Scorpia was loyal to Catra out of love, DT was mostly interested in getting paid. And she was surprised by how much that hurt. She fucking hated how much it hurt, you can see it written all over her face. It’s why she fails Scorpia’s little test in 4x06. Because of Double Trouble, Catra’s true desires were threatening to break free, so outwardly she fights against it and acts more resistant than ever to being friends with Scorpia. She castigates her, calls her annoying and incompetent, harsher than we’ve ever seen... but she didn’t expect Scorpia to hit back (we did, tho. Scorpia’s an icon).

In four words Scorpia teaches Catra a hard lesson about what it means to earn someone’s loyalty. She knew she must’ve really fucked up if she somehow managed to push away the most loyal person in all of Etheria. And again the fake nature of Catra’s relationship with Double Trouble provides a reference for her to see why Scorpia’s loyalty, based in love, was so valuable, and why she shouldn’t have taken it for granted. It also relates to Adora because, similar to Scorpia, Adora had been trying so hard these past 3 seasons to connect with Catra, but she refused to forgive her and her behavior eventually forced Adora to cut ties. So Scorpia calling her out pushes Catra towards accepting some personal responsibility for everything that happened with Adora, too. Man there are just.. a ton of implications here.

Then Catra gives Hordak a fun pep talk but really it’s just her self-projecting all over him:

At this point her hateful actions and her goal to conquer Etheria are extremely out of line with her true desires and we can see it’s really affecting her mental state. It wasn’t just one thing or person that caused her breakdown, it was a combination of Adora severing their relationship, and Scorpia’s disappointment in her, and Double Trouble’s indifference towards her. All three of these situations were playing off each other and chipping away at Catra’s carefully crafted armor, revealing a desire to be loved hidden underneath... which she continued to fight against for as long as she could. Adora and Scorpia were playing their roles in helping Catra learn to take responsibility for her life, but those relationships wouldn’t have been so effective had it not been for how they were contrasted with Double Trouble’s indifference. Anyway have I mentioned how amazing and complex this show is????

Catra Loses DT and Scorpia Around the Same Time

4x07 is the last time Catra talks to Double Trouble before they get captured by the rebels. Coincidentally, Catra realizes that Scorpia left her just one episode later, which once again points to a connection between these two characters. From 4x08 to 4x11 Catra is completely alone, feeling like she has lost everyone in her life. It sets the stage for her meltdown in 4x10. But my fave part about Scorpia leaving is how it changes the way Catra thinks about betrayal.

Even if Scorpia didn’t tell Catra where she was going in the note she left, Catra had to have assumed she was leaving to join the Rebellion because where else would she have gone right? So the two people Catra loves most have now BOTH abandoned her to join the rebellion. I don’t even wanna think about how triggering that betrayal must have been for Catra.. I don’t wanna think about how the next time Catra sees Scorpia she’s going to be a full blown princess with powers and everything, just like what happened with Adora.

But there’s a key difference between Adora and Scorpia. Catra knows at this point that Adora didn’t want to leave her behind, but she did anyway to pursue some destiny that Catra wasn’t a part of, which left her feeling betrayed. Scorpia, on the other hand--the very definition of ‘loyalty’--left her specifically because Catra pushed her away. Her fear of vulnerability manifested as anger towards someone she refused to admit that she cared about, and it pushed her away.

Once again I think Scorpia is teaching Catra a lesson about taking responsibility for some of the shit in her life. It’s a privilege that Adora lost after being careless with Catra’s trust, and thus Scorpia was the only one in a position to reach Catra and help her. But I think that the things Catra learned from Scorpia are going to play back into her relationship with Adora and allow them to reconcile (when Adora deals with her own issues too).

We can also say a little about how Double Trouble’s betrayal contrasts with Scorpia’s and Adora’s. I think their complete emotional detachment is the perfect frame of reference for Catra to be able to acknowledge that even though Scorpia and Adora left her, they DID love her, and they never stopped trying to reach out to her--at least, not until Catra crossed a line with both of them. At some point, Catra went from being justified in her feelings of betrayal to overdoing it, placing too much blame where it didn’t belong and closing the door to forgiveness. So I think that’s the role that Double Trouble played there, helping Catra see that difference. Like even if someone leaves you, hurts you, it doesn’t always mean they don’t love you. Relationships take work and understanding and forgiveness and you have to learn how to handle that or you’ll always be alone. Scorpia’s the pure embodiment of that lesson, and she’s lighting the way for Catra to navigate the much more nebulous waters of her grudge against Adora.

Double Trouble’s Betrayal

So now Catra is feeling abandoned by Scorpia and Double Trouble (her only friends) and we see the disconnect between what’s in her heart and the front she’s been putting on come to a head in 4x10 when she has that meltdown. She’s kind of losing it because her fear and heartbreak are driving her down a path that she doesn’t actually want. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. In 4x12 she continues to hold on desperately to the idea that beating Adora will make her happy, because at this point she doesn’t see any way to turn the car around.

There’s an absolutely fantastic scene early in 4x12 that sets up Double Trouble’s betrayal beautifully, like really it’s a masterpiece. Catra’s childhood friends walk in on her in the locker room and they’re laughing and joking around and for a second it’s like... Catra longs to be a part of that again.. To have friends, to be happy. But then Kyle accidentally kicks one of Scorpia’s old doodles (a painful reminder that she’s gone) and Catra freaks out and attacks them. Kyle’s like “we used to be friends, why are you treating us like this?” So she lets them leave, feeling alone and miserable, and THAT’S when Double Trouble waltzes in... having had just made a deal with Glimmer to double cross Catra.

God it hurts so much. The contrast between her pushing away Scorpia and her real friends, and then her childlike relief upon seeing the person who just sold her out.

This scene gives me fucking chills with the nightmare-ish music and everything.. It’s like, at this point DT is just fucking with her, they’ve already got Catra figured out. This face touch is so cruel and fits with the show’s motif of manipulative affection, too. For me it felt very disconcerting to see Catra like this... unaware that she’s been defeated yet she’s so emotionally vulnerable here, she’s like putty in Double Trouble’s hands. Scorpia leaving cracked her open and, as they’re the last person left standing with Catra’s trust, Double Trouble’s in the perfect position to come in and break her.

So the next episode 4x13 has that crazy scene where Double Trouble totally obliterates Catra and I’m not even gonna talk about it lmao because yall have already done a great job analyzing it. But I do wanna draw attention to the fact that this is the only thing she says in this whole scene:

Can you believe that’s what mattered the most to her in that moment? Not that literally everything she had been working for for the past 4 seasons had just turned to dust before her eyes, but the fact that this random mercenary she hired betrayed her. And there was no anger at all, just... heartbreak.

And then look at what she says to Glimmer afterwards (setting aside the fact that Catra is basically giving up on life...) she says nothing about the war, nothing about winning or revenge. The only thing she’s thinking about is how lonely she feels.

So by the end of Season 4, I think Catra did finally figure out what she truly wanted in life. She didn’t want to be on top just for power’s sake, she wanted people to respect her, to love her, so that no one could hurt her anymore. But she was so obsessed with winning that she ended up losing everyone’s respect. Wow haha if only she could get a second chance to earn it back the right way.... like say if, idk, she was trapped in space jail and forced to team up with her sworn enemy to survive and they came out best friends or something <:)

To sum up, Double Trouble’s role in Season 4 was to break Catra’s mask and force her to consider what she truly wants. I think their betrayal taught Catra to really appreciate what a terrible mistake she made in pushing Scorpia and Adora away. It taught her the difference between someone leaving her because they don’t care about her, and someone cutting ties with her even though they do care for her very deeply, they just couldn’t take Catra treating them like crap anymore. It showed her that what Adora did was nothing like what DT did. That’s what a betrayal feels like when the person doesn’t care about you. Someone who doesn’t care about you isn’t going to beg for your forgiveness for 3 seasons and risk being obliterated from existence just to get you back.

But the real beauty of season 4 was how Catra hitting rock bottom had almost nothing to do with Adora. With the help of other friends Catra has begun to find her own reasons to change, she’s acknowledging her guilt and heartbreak and discovering the person she wants to become. She’s learning to take responsibility instead of just blaming other people. And this character development had nothing to do with romance, just like how Adora breaking free of her destiny and learning to let go of control had little to do with Catra. I love the different perspectives on love that they give us with Catra, Adora, and Scorpia. I love how this show takes the “love conquers all” trope and subverts it, saying that sometimes.. love breaks you. Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes it’s used as a weapon. Sometimes you have to let go of people you love, but it opens up space for you to figure out who you are and what you want and to conquer your own demons. You’ll come out the other side with a better understanding of what real, healthy love is supposed to look like. And maybe in the end, the love you always sought will find you again, in its own time, in its own way. 💘

#OK THIS IS... A LOT. EVEN FOR ME LMAO #she ra #meta #season 4 is my fave so far i just had a lot of feelings to work through ok #would love to hear what yall think xoxo happy new year's!!

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wheresmynaya · 4 years

Text

Lopez’s 8 Ch.7 | Brittana

Also available on ff.net (x) ao3 (x) & below the cut!

The days that follow the talk by the rocks are a stark difference in comparison to what they once were at the beginning of the week. There’s not much laughter, a flirty smile is hard to come by, and it’s nothing but tension, tension, tension. The shift in the air is felt by everyone in the loft – Santana’s temper flares a lot easier and Brittany keeps to herself more often – but there isn’t a single person on the team that dares to bring it up.

Everyone just keeps their heads down and continues with their tasks. The Met Gala is just days away and no one really has the time to dwell on what could be going on between Santana and Brittany, minus Santana and Brittany.

Today’s task involves testing Mercedes’ blind spot so Brittany sits with the hacker and her laptop on the couch while they watch Santana saunter through the Met on the screen. They’ve got headsets on which allow them to be in contact with Santana, more so Mercedes than Brittany.

Brittany’s really just there to watch.

It’s probably the closest she’s been to actually talking to Santana; like the responsible adults they are, they’ve been avoiding each other ever since their argument. It’s such a drastic change for them both – to go from spending nearly every waking moment together to not even exchanging two words. Now when Brittany wakes there’s no sense of giddiness or pride – no spontaneous trips out of the loft for coffee and food. Now when Brittany wakes it’s to an empty bed and cold sheets and no Santana in sight.

Santana does the same and that thought should give Brittany some relief because at least she isn’t the only one, but it really doesn’t. Brittany kind of hates how much she misses their morning routine, even if it was all just avoiding the inevitable.

“You’re taking your sweet time,” Mercedes notes with a press of a button on her headset. The sound of her voice jolts Brittany from her thoughts and she focuses back on the screen.

“Would you like me to run there?” Santana quips back, “I’m trying to be inconspicuous. Also, you have to say over when you’re done talking. Over.”

Mercedes rolls her eyes. Brittany only adjusts her own headset, the sound of Santana’s voice making her heart flutter in the worst way.

“I’m not doing that,” Mercedes grumbles.

“Were you done talking? Over.”

“Yes.”

“See why it’s important? How am I going to know you’re finished speaking? Over.”

“When I stop talking obviously.”

“How do I know you’re not just stopping to take a breath? People don’t call you Wheezy for nothing. Over.”

“What? No one calls me that.”

“Not to your face. Over.”

“You’re ridiculous. OVER.”

Mercedes switches off her mic with a huff and looks to Brittany, “Is she always like this? Always trying to pick a fight for no damn reason?”

Brittany can’t help but smirk, “Yeah. It’s a thing she does.”

They continue to watch in silence as Santana makes her way through the exhibit at a glacial pace and Brittany wonders if she’s moving extra slow just to annoy the hacker. She wouldn’t put it past the brunette, that’s totally her style: being a petty little shit…who also looks damn good in that dress.

Brittany shakes her head at how easily those thoughts can slip through the cracks. Right now, any thoughts about her attraction towards Santana are off limits. She doesn’t need them clouding up her judgement but watching the woman strut around the Met looking the way she does…it’s almost impossible for Brittany to not take a moment and admire her.

“You know,” Brittany says mindlessly while her eyes stay trained on Santana, “I’m really mad at her right now but she’s still so hot.”

Mercedes quirks a brow and sends Brittany a look. She checks that their mics are off before she speaks, “Good to know.”

Brittany doesn’t seem to notice Mercedes’ indifference as she lets out a sigh, “Just look at her. Absolutely stunning, gorgeous even – she’s a pain in my ass – but gorgeous. She’s a gorgeous pain in my ass.”

Mercedes gives the blonde another look before she clicks through cameras to keep Santana on the screen. She glances over at Santana and shrugs, “She’s alright.”

Brittany looks damn near offended. She picks up her jaw and shakes her head, “I think you’ve been staring at computer screens for way too long. They’ve cooked your eyeballs or something because Santana is more than alright.”

“Aren’t you mad at her?”

Brittany shifts in her seat likes she’s been caught in a lie, “Yeah, yeah I am.”

“Right,” Mercedes doesn’t look convinced but she keeps her eyes on the screen as Santana turns down a hall, “Maybe you should stop focusing on how hot she is then? Probably what got you into this mess in the first place…”

Brittany furrows her brows; what mess does Mercedes think they’re in? Is their mess that obvious? She’s just about to ask when the hacker presses at her mic again to speak.

“Hey, you’re coming up to the blind spot,” Mercedes tells Santana, “Just at the end of this hall on your right.”

“You didn’t save over. Over.”

“You’re coming up to the blind spot. Over.”

“Thank you. Over,” Santana answers back.

Mercedes switches off her mic and mutters to herself in disbelief, “Why did I agree to this?”

Brittany chews on the corner of her lip in thought before she finally turns to Mercedes with a hopeful look in her eye, “Can I talk to you about something?”

Mercedes looks skeptic, “Is it about her?”

Brittany looks to Mercedes jutting her finger at Santana on the screen. She nods.

“Hell to the no,” Mercedes says firmly.

Brittany pouts, “Please? I don’t really have anyone to talk to.”

Mercedes shakes her head, “I don’t want nothing to do with all that drama.”

“But –“

“No.”

Brittany’s shoulders slump with defeat, “Okay.”

Mercedes looks a little guilty for being so short and changes her tone, “Look Brittany, I’m just here to do my job and collect my check. Not make friends and gossip about the boss lady.”

“Right, that’s cool,” Brittany tries to be understanding as Santana approaches the end of the hall.

Who would want to willingly hear all this mess? She doesn’t really blame Mercedes, but she feels like a bottle rocket about to explode. She doesn’t know how much longer she can keep everything inside before it starts to eat away at her.

“You can talk to me?” Tina offers softly.

The jeweler’s voice surprises Brittany; she didn’t even know she was there to be honest. Tina always works so quietly, she kind of blends into the loft’s atmosphere, but she moves from her work station and settles in the arm chair close by.

There’s a encouraging smile on her face as she says, “I think I’m a pretty good listener.”

Brittany smiles back; Tina isn’t really the first person who comes to mind when it comes to venting to someone but she’s glad she’s there. Anyone’s better than no one, especially now.

Mercedes looks a little surprised too, but more so relieved than anything else.

“There you go,” The hacker says, “Talk to her.”

Brittany chuckles lightly and is just about to speak when the sound of Santana’s voice interrupts them.

“Am I close? Over,” Santana asks as she nears the restroom doors.

“Move a little to your left. Over,” Mercedes tells her. They watch as Santana slowly disappears from the frame until she’s completely out of sight, “There it is. You’re in the blind spot. Over.”

“Nice work,” Santana compliments as she takes some measurements, “You even added a little extra room to work with. Thank you. I’ll make my way back to the loft. Over and out.”

Once the call disconnects, Mercedes starts to close out of her programs and put away her headphones. She glances to Brittany and gestures for hers too.

Brittany hands them over then looks to Tina as she starts off a little nervously, “So there’s this girl…”

Tina scoots to the edge of her seat, “Yeah?”

“She drives me crazy,” At first Brittany’s smile is wide but then it starts to droop, “Mostly in a good way that leads to really awesome lady sex, but she also drives me crazy in a bad way too. The kind of way that makes me say things I never thought I would. Things like, I think this should be our last job together.”

“Sounds pretty serious,” Tina notes.

“Yeah,” Brittany says sadly, “I think it is. I don’t know how it got like this. I’ve never said something like that before, but this girl…I don’t know how to get through to her sometimes and I think I just lost my cool. She can be so guarded, so cryptic, even with me and I don’t get it. We’ve been best friends for years, me and this girl.”

“I think we all know you’re talking about Santana so just use her name,” Mercedes grumps.

Tina gives the hacker a smirk, “I thought you didn’t care enough to listen?”

Mercedes just shrugs, “You guys are talking around me, it’s hard not to listen.”

“Uh-huh,” Tina chuckles and turns to Brittany, “Being open with someone can be kind of hard sometimes. What happened to make you say something like wanting out?”

“We got into a pretty heated argument over things that happened in the past and things that have happened recently,” Brittany explains.

“What kind of things?” Tina presses.

“I can’t really say, it’s sort of private,” Brittany replies, “But just know that we’ve never had it out like that before. I know we said things that really needed to be said, but I don't know. I feel like we kind of went about it the wrong way. There’s was a lot building up and it just exploded all over the place. It’s just, Santana's gets so in her head that I can barely talk to her and I…well, I've been hiding a secret of my own too.”

At the mention of a secret, Tina and Mercedes perk up. They don’t ask about it, but Brittany can tell by the looks on their faces that they really, really want to.

“So you’re both kind of at fault here?” Tina asks instead.

Brittany ponders that, “I guess we are, yeah.”

“That’s tough,” Tina frowns, “Fighting with your best friend is just the worst.”

“But they’re not just best friends,” Mercedes says and looks to Brittany with this all-knowing grin, “Right?”

Brittany feels see-through.

“Because best friends aren’t really supposed to casually sleep together,” Mercedes adds before chuckling to herself, “Unless I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.”

Tina looks to Brittany for an answer, but the blonde doesn’t have to say anything. It’s written all over her face.

Tina chooses to change the subject though, “Santana really isn’t the easiest person to talk to.”

“Yeah, that’s an understatement,” Brittany sighs, “When it comes to her feelings she just shuts down sometimes. I never really know what’s going on up there.”

“I get why you’re frustrated,” Tina replies apologetically.

“Do you think I was too hard on her for saying what I said about leaving?” Brittany asks. It’s something she’s been mulling over ever since and she’s really on the fence about it. On one hand, she said what needed to be said but on the other…

She remembers the look on Santana’s face just before she walked away from her. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen Santana look so crushed, but what was she supposed to say? There’s only so much she can take, only so many times she can let Santana off easy.

“I don't think you were,” Mercedes speaks up first to Brittany’s surprise, “You've got to have boundaries or people walk all over you. It sounded like it was time for you to stand up for yourself and that's what you did. Whatever she did really hurt you and you're allowed to be mad about it. Maybe this will knock some sense into her?”

Brittany feels reassured and nods, “Yeah, maybe. I didn’t even think, those words just came out on their own.”

“Must’ve been time then,” Mercedes shrugs.

Brittany thinks about that, like really thinks about it. They couldn’t have continued to dance around each other for much longer, avoiding certain things, it all had to come to a head at some point – whether she’s talking about the heist or what’s going on between them.

“Do you want this to be your last job together?” Tina questions after a moment.

Brittany frowns as she goes into deep thought. So much of her wants to stand by what she said, but there’s a part of her that also wants to try and fix this too. She got wrapped up in the heat of the moment, but – unlike Santana – Brittany doesn’t want to run from this.

“I don't think I do,” Brittany admits softly, “I don't want to lose her, but I don't know if it's worth the trouble anymore.”

It’s the first time she’s voiced the thought aloud and it makes her heart ache. To think there could be a future for her that doesn’t involve Santana makes her feel sad and she doesn’t want to be sad, but if Santana keeps this up she really won’t have a choice.

Like Mercedes said, she has to stand up for herself too.

“You know Britt, I grew up with Santana,” Tina mentions, “We weren't like best friends or anything but I've known her since I was a kid. Our dads did business together.”

“Was she a cute kid?” Brittany finds herself wondering. She can picture the girl with scraped knees and an adorable scowl on her face looking about as threatening as a teddy bear. The thought makes her smile, “I bet she was.”

“I guess?” Tina chuckles, “Anyway, she never really got too close to anyone. I remember she was popular in high school and she knew a lot of different people, belonged to different circles, but I don't think she trusted any of them enough to be actual friends.”

“Oh, that’s kind of sad,” Brittany softens.

“Yeah. Maybe that just comes from how she was brought up,” Tina replies, “Santana’s dad, Mr. Lopez, was a no-nonsense kind of guy. Super friendly, but he didn't trust anyone either. I'm sure that's where Santana gets it. It's a hard habit to break when you grow up around con artists. They’re a pretty private bunch of people. They only let you in on what they want you to know.

Brittany nods along with her. Santana has always played her cards pretty close to her chest and this insight makes her reasoning for it a little clearer.

“She trusts you though,” Tina adds with a smile, “I've seen the way you both look at each other, there's something there. Something worth sticking around for.”

“It’s obvious,” Mercedes agrees, “Definitely something there.”

Brittany sinks deeper in the couch and props up her feet on the coffee table with a sigh. Maybe talking it out with someone else wasn’t such a good idea because now she feels even more conflicted than before.

“I think so too but she refuses to talk about it,” Brittany replies, “She's so adamant that it's nothing, but I know it is. I just have a feeling, I can’t really describe it but it’s there. Plus, she told me she loved me and then pretended it was some drunken mistake.”

Tina and Mercedes look to each other in surprise.

Brittany bites her lip nervously, “I probably shouldn’t have told you that.”

Mercedes waves her off, “You know the saying: drunken minds speak sober thoughts. Sounds like the girl is scared if she’s trying to play it off.”

Brittany’s frown deepens as she remembers Santana’s words about feeling safe around her and it doesn’t make any sense.

“It's only me though?” Brittany reasons.

“Yeah, that’s the point,” Mercedes chuckles.

Brittany cocks her to the side, “I don't understand.”

Mercedes softens, “It's probably something you two just need to talk about…feelings and such.”

Tina nods, “I agree and maybe it's just my inner hopeless romantic talking, but I don't think you should give up on her just yet. Like Mercedes said, maybe this argument is the push she needed to make some changes?”

A tiny glimmer of hope sparks within Brittany. They could be right, her and Santana’s argument could’ve been the catalyst that they needed to get things on the right track.

“Don't give up on her if deep down you don't really want to,” Mercedes says wisely.

“You're just going to hurt each other even more, but it's up to you,” Tina continues, “She has to be willing to work with you too and if she isn't, then maybe it really is better that you move on.”

Brittany swallows roughly at the thought of moving on if Santana isn’t willing to try. The woman is so stubborn and stuck in her ways though, what if she isn’t down to change?

Tina notices Brittany getting caught up in her head and changes her tone, “Hopefully she’ll do the work. It’s just something to think about.”

“You're right. Maybe when she comes back we can try to talk about things and it’ll be fine again,” Brittany replies before sending them both a bright smile, they brightest either of them have seen from the blonde in days, “Thanks guys. This was really nice.”

Tina and Mercedes exchange a grin before looking to Brittany, “Don’t mention it.”

Brittany rides that wave of hope for all of five minutes before she comes crashing down. When Santana enters the loft later, they share a quick glance but her face soon fills with a grimace upon seeing Brittany. The look cuts the blonde deeply and soon her hopeful smile fades away and is replaced with a grimace too.

Santana looks like she can’t stand the girl and Brittany…well, Brittany returns the sentiment. A gorgeous pain in her ass, that’s exactly what Santana is. That’s all Brittany’s able to think before Santana’s turning away and going straight for her room without a word.

Brittany wants to cry out of frustration, wants to stomp her way up to Santana’s room and give her another piece of her mind. She doesn’t though, instead she grabs a beer from the fridge and goes to sit outside by the water.

She stays there until the sky turns inky and stars begin to twinkle. She doesn’t feel like staring up at them tonight though. Instead, she watches the steady ebb and flow of the waves. When the air gets chillier and she runs out of beer, she heads back inside.

When Brittany enters, she finds that Santana has ventured downstairs and she stands with Tina at her work station admiring the pieces there. There’s another fleeting glance between Santana and Brittany, but their attention is stolen by Quinn’s abrupt entrance.

“Sorry, I’m late!” She calls out as she pushes a wheeled clothes rack through the common area, “Traffic was awful, but I have everyone’s outfits here.”

Everyone gravitates towards her as she starts to hand out black dress bags.

Brittany chances a glance at Santana as they circle around Quinn, only to find that she’s already staring back. It’s different than before, more solemn or remorseful or something, but they quickly avert their gazes as Quinn starts to call out names.

“Sugar, here’s yours. Mercedes, this one is for you. Tina and Emma, here you go,” Quinn’s like a steady machine until she gets to Santana. She gives her a questioning look before reaching for the next hanger, “This is for you, Lopez.”

“Thanks,” Santana says but the look on her face speaks volumes.

Brittany’s sure she wasn’t meant to see it.

Quinn shakes her head and turns to Brittany with a brighter smile, much different than the expression she used on Santana. She hands her a bag, “And this one’s for you.”

“Thanks Q,” Brittany replies. She’s back to being a woman of few words now that Santana’s around.

“I spoke to someone at work today about the nutritional specialist gig and they’re completely on board so you’re in. There’s some chef whites in there for you too,” Quinn tells her.

“Sweet,” Brittany says flatly before she’s turning to head to her room.

She’s thinking about what Tina and Mercedes said earlier about Santana needing to try too. From the looks of it, Brittany doesn’t think she’ll be so lucky. The girl once ran from her, what makes Brittany think she’d ever try to chase her instead.

Brittany’s steps quicken as she approaches her bedroom door; she can’t let them see her cry.

Quinn catches Santana staring after Brittany with this longing stare and goes to slap her arm. They give each other pointed looks and Quinn’s gesturing for Santana to go after Brittany, but Santana just rolls her eyes.

“Leave me alone,” Santana bites and heads in the opposite direction.

Quinn watches them both and mutters beneath her breath, “Dumbasses.”

The following day is a big one; it’s the final day before the Met Gala and things are still rocky between Santana and Brittany. The two try to busy themselves with their own tasks – Santana working on her persona for the Gala with Quinn and Brittany’s in the garage…doing yoga?

Santana isn’t really sure about that one, she just saw her wander out from her corner of the loft in nothing but yoga pants and a sports bra. She may have stared at Brittany’s abs the entire time but that’s besides the point. They move around each other now in silence and if they do manage to look each other’s way, it’s filled with the tension of unfinished business.

Brittany walked away from her that day, she didn’t even let Santana try to make amends. But Santana supposes she would be a hypocrite if she were to be upset, Brittany’s just giving her a taste of her own medicine…and it tastes like shit.

Quinn notices the staring before Brittany disappears into the garage. She watches how Santana sucks in a breath before focusing hard on the different ID badges on the table.

These are her oldest friends, this is how they deal with their bullshit…they don’t and it frustrates the hell out of her. How they can be two of the smartest people she’s ever met and act like this, it’s exhausting! She wants to talk it out with Santana, but she knows the brunette is nearing the point of no return when it comes to opening up. Either you press to hard and she’s snaps or you don’t press enough and she gets away with avoiding whatever’s going on.

So Quinn takes a different approach than usual.

“It’s gotten chilly in here,” Quinn starts off lightly.

“You know this place is too damn big to heat,” Santana replies, “Go put on one of your many hideous cardigans.”

“I’m not talking about the temperature,” Quinn says simply.

“Of course you’re not,” Santana sighs as she picks up a badge to inspect.

Quinn takes a peek at the ID picture and asks, “Thinking of going blonde for this?”

Santana just shrugs before setting the badge down. In that moment, the garage door swings open again and in comes Brittany.

She looks to them apologetically as she heads for the kitchen, “Sorry to interrupt. Forgot a water bottle.”

“You’re not interrupting,” Quinn smiles back but Santana keeps her gaze on the IDs.

“Right,” Brittany glances over at the brunette’s back being turned on her. She tries to hide her disappointment as she heads back out to the garage.

Once the door is shut, Quinn lets out a huff. Her patience is waning so the whole soft but steady approach is thrown out the window, “When are you going to fix this?”

“Why do I have to fix it?” Santana replies and looks up at Quinn, “Why do you think it’s me? Maybe it’s her this time?”

Quinn lifts a brow, “Is it?”

Santana tenses her jaw before relenting, “I don’t know what she wants from me.”

“For starters, maybe an apology?” Quinn suggests.

Santana shakes her head, “No. Dani sent me to jail. As if I wouldn’t come back with a vengeance? I’m not apologizing for it. No way.”

Quinn gives Santana a tired look, “Is that really why you think she’s mad?”

Santana softens, “Have you spoken to her?”

“No, but I can only imagine,” Quinn shrugs, “You two are incredibly predictable.”

Santana doesn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or slap her. I guess she’s sort of right though, of all people Quinn would know.

“You didn’t tell her about Dani and look what happened,” Quinn reasons, “Not to say I told you so but…well, I did. There were so many times you could’ve brought it up but you did what you always do. You got wrapped up in her – quite literally – until it was too late and she had to find out for herself. Now she’s pissed because you – someone who is meant to be her best friend and partner – didn’t let her in on a very important piece to all of this. She finally put her foot down and not only are you surprised that she had the balls to actually do it but you’re also scared shitless of what happens now. Am I close?”

Santana just stares at her with a slack jaw.

Quinn smirks, “Yeah. I thought so. Like I said, incredibly predictable.”

Santana lets her have that one before saying, “I really screwed up this time. Brittany didn’t just put her foot down, she’s threatening to leave.”

Quinn’s cock smirk drops completely, “Wait really? We’re so close to the end, the Gala is literally tomorrow –“

“She’ll finish the job,” Santana interrupts, “But this is it. No more after this, she doesn’t want to work together.”

“Jesus Santana,” Quinn frowns, “What did you do?”

Santana isn’t quite sure how to answer that one so she choses to be vague, “It’s what I didn’t do. It’s not just about Dani, there are other things too.”

“Like?”

Santana gives her a look and it’s all Quinn needs in order to catch on.

“Oh. Right.”

“Yeah,” Santana says sadly, “So I could apologize, but what if it’s not enough? What if I’ve done too much this time? This is serious, I’ve never seen her so pissed.”

“You think?” Quinn remarks, “I’ve never seen either of you like this. If you’re as close as you say you are, maybe you should’ve just said something in the first place?”

“Look, I didn’t mean for this to get so out of hand,” Santana defends but she isn’t quite sure if she’s talking about Dani or whatever’s going on between her and Brittany, “This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“Well, it did,” Quinn says simply, “Whether it’s about Dani or…not about Dani, you can’t be partners in crime if you’re keeping secrets from each other.”

“Yeah apparently,” Santana shrugs before focusing back on the IDs on the table, “Maybe we don’t work as well together as we thought?”

Quinn lets out a laugh and the sudden sound causes Santana to flinch.

“Yeah, that’s bullshit,” Quinn replies, “You two are so in sync, you basically finish each other’s sentences. It’s so weird but also kind of cute. You’re like polar opposites – Brittany with her optimism and bright smiles and then there’s you with your attitude – and there’s no way in hell that you two should work together, but you do and that’s a beautiful thing.”

Santana finds a small smile creeping onto her lips.

“Those kind of people don’t come around very often. Sometimes they don’t come at all,” Quinn points out, “Now it sounds like you’re close to losing your person, what are you going to do about it? You just going to let her walk out of here? Give up on her without a fight?”

Santana shakes her head.

“Good,” Quinn smiles.

“You think I still have a chance?” Santana asks, “You’ve seen how it’s been between us lately. She wants nothing to do with me.”

“Maybe that’s because you’ve had your infamous bitch-face on all this time?” Quinn teases before getting serious again, “It’s Brittany and for her, you at least have to try. Nothing’s going to hurt worse than wishing you would’ve said all the things that you didn’t.”

Quinn’s words hit her like a ton of bricks. She knows that feeling all too well and would much rather not like to add onto its weight, but there’s this looming fear hanging over her that makes things ten times harder than they need to be.

Quinn notes Santana’s hesitance, “I don’t think you have much to worry about. You just have to acknowledge your shit and deal which is a lot easier than it sounds, I know. But you two, you owe to each other to try one more time.”

Santana nods, a new sense of hope washes over her. She can do this. She can walk up to Brittany and just tell her, she can put it all on the line and if Brittany wants to stick around then great. If she doesn’t, well…Santana will learn to live with that too.

“You’re right,” Santana admits. She doesn’t miss the swell of pride that fills Quinn’s face and she rolls her eyes at the sight of it, “That’s the one time I’m saying it, so soak it in.”

“Oh, I know and I am,” Quinn jokes and slings her arm around Santana to hug her to her side, “I’m really rooting for you both, you know?”

Santana lets herself ease against Quinn’s side, “Yeah. I know.”

“What you two have found in each other,” Quinn says, “My husband and I aren’t even like that and we’ve been married for years.”

Santana smirks, “Well you married a man so I’m not really surprised.”

Quinn playfully pushes Santana off of her while the brunette just laughs away at her own joke. Honestly, Quinn’s happy to see her looking anything but like a kicked puppy so she’ll take the jab.

“You should talk to her,” Quinn says once Santana quiets down.

“I will.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” Quinn teases but Santana doesn’t laugh, “Too soon?”

“Very.”

“Well, I don’t care,” Quinn shrugs, “Go talk to her. Actually, you need to talk to her and fix this. The Gala is tomorrow and we can’t do this if there’s still drama going on.”

Santana knows she’s right but she isn’t prepared, not yet. Instead she gestures at the IDs on the table, “I haven’t picked an alias – “

Quinn snatches up a badge, “This one. Now go.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Santana replies while Quinn nudges her towards the garage.

“Just say what’s on your mind, genius. It’s really not rocket science,” Quinn encourages.

Santana gets halfway to the door when Quinn backs off. She looks back at the blonde as the nerves begin to swell in the pit of her stomach.

Quinn just gives her an encouraging nod, “Woman up, Lopez. You can do it.”

Santana mimics the nod and turns back towards the door. She thinks about Quinn’s words from earlier – It’s Brittany, and for her you at least have to try – and it’s all the encouragement she needs before she’s facing her fears head on.

Brittany’s in the middle of a stretch when Santana closes the door behind her. The sound of it shutting has Brittany looking to her direction and shuffling up to stand. Her face is a little flushed and there’s sweat glistening and it’s all momentarily distracting for Santana, but the brunette manages to focus up and takes a shaky step closer.

“Hey,” Santana greets. She sounds so small as she fiddles with her hands in front of her, “Can we talk?”

Brittany looks unsure as she reaches for her water bottle, “But we never do that.”

Her words sting a little, but Santana takes it in stride, “Yeah I know but…”

“But?” Brittany waits for her to continue but she never does.

Santana chances a glance up but she knows it’s a mistake the instant her eyes land on Brittany’s abs instead. They’re look a lot more defined than usual or maybe it’s because she hasn’t seen them in awhile? Who knows, but the clouds are quickly rolling in and she’s beginning to get distracted but Santana manages to meet Brittany’s gaze.

“Can you just like…,” Santana mumbles, “Put a shirt on or something?”

Brittany quirks a brow and it almost looks like she’s going to smile or laugh, but she quickly hides it away as she turns her back and reaches for a pair of overalls she had slung over her motorbike. She steps into the leg holes and pulls it on over her clothes.

Once the buttons are fastened, she turns around with an expectant look on her face, “Better?”

Santana blushes, “Yeah.”

Brittany just shakes her head, “As you were saying?”

“Right,” Santana swallows hard, “I wanted to talk to you about things. Things that you – we – said the other day by the rocks.”

“Don't worry, I'll see this job through,” Brittany tells her like she already knows what Santana is going to say. Santana isn’t used to the sarcasm she hears but stays quiet as Brittany continues, “I won't leave you hanging. I'm not that kind of person.”

Santana can already tell Brittany isn’t going to make this easy for her, but she doesn’t blame her. She put Brittany through hell, it’s only natural for Brittany to want to reverse the roles.

“I'm not talking about that,” Santana explains. She pauses as her thoughts begin to jumble, “Well, I am but that's not what I was going to say. Okay, maybe it's sort of about that – “

“Just spit it out.”

Santana quits rambling and does what Quinn advised, she says what’s on her mind.

“You know I can't do this without you right?” Santana asks, “I'm not just talking about this job. I'm talking about any job, I'm talking about all jobs. I can't do this without you.”

"Sure you can,” Brittany shrugs and goes to lean on her motorbike, “There are hundreds of con artists out there just like me. I’m sure it won’t be hard for you to find a replacement."

Santana shakes her head, "No Britt, you don't get it. I don't want to do this with anyone else."

That seems to surprise Brittany, "You don't?"

"Of course not,” Santana assures her with a small smile, “I told you before, there’s no one like you. I meant that. You and I, we’re such a force when we work together…all those crazy schemes we’ve done over the years. I can’t do that with just anyone."

Brittany stiffens. Does Santana only see her as someone she can use to further her career? It seems like it’s always about work with her.

“Is this your way of apologizing?" Brittany frowns.

Santana mirrors it but out of confusion, “Kind of, yeah?”

Brittany laughs bitterly, “You've got such a one track mind when it comes to a job. Out of everything we talked about on the rocks, this is what you open with? You want to make sure I stick around just so we can work together?”

“No, that isn't it!” Santana quickly tries to amend, “That’s not what I meant.”

“All you think about is work,” Brittany complains, “You know that’s not all there is to life, right?”

“I know that,” Santana replies then begins to pace, “Fuck, this is why I never do this. I'm not good at this type of thing."

Brittany watches her curiously, she looks like a caged lion about ready to bust free of her confines.

“What? Talking?” Brittany asks.

Santana stops and looks up at Brittany soberly, “This isn't just a normal talk.”

Brittany tilts her head to the side at that. She thought she knew what Santana came here to say, but now she isn’t so sure. She’s more confused than she started but manages to say, "Well, just because you've never been good at it doesn't mean you can't learn.”

Santana takes a steadying breath and her words come out with less bite to them, "Why do you think I came out here?”

Brittany eases at the sound of her tone.

“I'm trying,” Santana adds.

It feels like Brittany’s heart has fallen to the pit of her stomach while butterflies also flutter around it. She’s both ecstatic that Santana’s willing to try and a little afraid of what trying looks to the brunette. Nevertheless, Brittany is eager to find out.

“I’m sorry,” Brittany finds herself apologizing, “I didn’t mean to give you a hard time.”

Santana smiles in thank and goes to continue, “So out by the rocks…I think we both hurt each other in ways we didn’t intend to, especially me. I didn’t let you in on what I had going on with Dani’s involvement and you – you walked away.”

“Santana don’t – “

“I won’t,” Santana interrupts. Brittany softens under Santana’s gaze, “I won’t. I get why you were upset and why you said what you did. I won’t hold it against you. I get it.”

Brittany’s taken aback by this newfound honesty. She nods for Santana to continue, interested to see what else she has to say.

“I hurt you by leaving you out and I apologize. I apologize for not telling you about Dani,” Santana says shakily, “It was stupid and you're right, I did let my need for revenge distract me from what was important. I wasn't being a very good partner. I shouldn't have left you out like I did and I'm sorry.”

Brittany’s shocked. She can’t remember a time Santana has ever acknowledged a mistake and apologized for it. She’s usually one to have a silent conversation about it and move on without bringing it up ever again. This approach though? It’s brand new to Brittany. It makes her think about what Mercedes and Tina said earlier about growth and people changing, she wonders if that’s what’s going on with Santana right now.

Whatever it is, Brittany’s thankful for it but she still has so many questions.

“Why didn't you tell me about Dani in the first place?” Brittany asks. It’s not argumentative but rather out of genuine curiosity, “Is it because of the jealousy thing? I'm usually joking - maybe like half of the time I'm joking. I didn't think it bothered you all that much, at least not to the point of you leaving me out? Or was it something else? Did you think I wouldn’t approve?”

“Honestly, it wasn't any of that,” Santana tells her, “I guess I didn't want to disappoint you? I knew you wouldn't like me getting wrapped up in revenge, but I had to do this for me. I had to get even and I know it's petty and I know I'm a little ridiculous for doing all of this just to get some payback but that's just who I am, Britt. I'm a petty bitch and she did me so damn dirty. I just couldn't let it go.”

Brittany relaxes, “You might be petty, but you aren't a bitch.”

Santana smiles but it doesn’t quite make her cheeks bunch. Even when they aren’t on the best of terms, Brittany still manages to have her back.

“If anyone's a bitch, it's her for what she did to you,” Brittany adds before shrugging, “I just wish you would've at least tried to talk to me. Help me understand why you wanted to do all of this. It's not hard to get now that you’ve explained, but it would've been nice to talk about things that have hurt you. You don't always have to be so tough around me.”

“I know,” Santana sighs, “I just figured you wouldn't understand or you'd try to talk me out of it or something so I hid it from you. Obviously, that was the wrong move but…I don't like admitting that she hurt me. I hate giving her that power, it sucks.”

Brittany can sympathize with Santana on that one, “It does.”

“And I really hate fighting with you,” Santana admits, “I don't want this to be our last job together. My life of crime wouldn’t be as fun without you in it. I'm sorry for everything and it won't happen again. I can be better, Britt.”

Brittany finds herself smiling proudly, "Now that's an apology." Then she’s pulling Santana in for a warm hug. The instant their bodies collide, it feels like coming home after a long, tiring day.

She loves this feeling so much.

And Santana does too, more than anything. She loves wrapping up in Brittany, it’s the place where she feels the safest and she’s so relieved that she has it back.

“You'll stay?” Santana mumbles against Brittany’s shoulder.

Brittany nods and tightens her hold, “Yeah, I'll stay.”

They stay like that for a moment, pressed against one another reveling in their first success of the night, when Santana pulls away with another statement, “I want to talk about something else too.”

Brittany’s looking curious again as Santana puts a little distance between them, “Yeah?”

Santana’s back to being a meek little mouse and says, "You know how you said you wanted me to be honest for once the other day?”

It takes Brittany a moment, but she remembers, "Yeah?"

Santana takes a deep breath in, letting it fill her lungs, before she slowly exhales. Her nerves are rattling her shaky hands and she winds them together to keep them still, "Well…Truth is, I was scared that night. That's why I ran.”

The realization that Mercedes was right hits Brittany first, but she keeps the surprise hidden and tries to be as encouraging as possible, "What were you scared of?"

"I don't know,” Santana shrugs although it’s a lie. She shakes her head at how easy it was for her to tell it. She’s meant to be being honest now so she amends her previous answer, “I guess I was scared of you not having feelings for me too.”

Brittany’s heart breaks a little. Too? She said. Santana wanted her to having feelings for her too…meaning she has feelings for her now. Or is it then? Brittany’s not sure.

Santana continues, “Maybe I was scared of you not loving me back?"

"Santana…" Brittany breathes out. This is bigger than she imagined. Santana doesn’t – didn’t? – just have feelings for her, she loved her too. Brittany’s at a loss, it’s a lot to comprehend but there’s this wave of relief.

None of this was one-sided, she wasn’t imagining anything. Their feelings we real – are real.

"You know, I've never had a good track record when it comes to my love life,” Santana goes on, “I don't date and if I do it doesn't last very long or…I end up in jail.”

Brittany gasps, “Not funny.”

Santana smirks, “It's a little funny, you've got to admit it.”

Brittany just shakes her head and chuckles. She already feels a little lighter, she wonders if Santana is starting to feel the same too.

“I didn't want to fuck up the good thing we had going, you know?” Santana’s back to being serious, “You're like the one person I trust in this whole world, I couldn't give that up. I figured that’s exactly what would happen if I said anything. I didn't want to blur our arrangement with feelings, but I guess it just kind of happened anyway."

"Our arrangement?" Brittany rolls the word around in her mouth like it’s new to her.

"Poor choice of words, but you know what I mean,” Santana replies, “You weren't just my partner in crime, you were my best friend too. You are my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend too,” Brittany smiles. For some reason her eyes feel dry and it’s like tear are threatening to fall. She blinks them away furiously as to not ruin the moment.

“I exposed myself that night and I got spooked so I ran,” Santana says apologetically, “I couldn't throw love into the mix, there's no way I'd be lucky enough to find someone who could be all three."

Brittany mirrors Santana’s watery frown, "Well, I wish you would've just stuck around long enough to find out for certain.”

"Please,” Santana chuckles, “That's not something I need to stick around for to figure out. I know I'm not that lucky."

Brittany laughs too as she takes a step up and closes the distance, "See, and that's where you're wrong."

Santana furrows her brows and looks up, "What do you mean?"

The cute confused look on her face has Brittany smiling for a moment before she speaks, "Like I said before, you're so smart Santana. You can come up with these grandmaster plans and think your way through anything but you can't see what's always been right in front of you.”

Realization hits her and it makes Santana’s knees wobble. She blinks and her heart rate picks up, “Do you – “

“Santana,” Brittany starts off and that gleaming smile is back ten fold. She sets her hands on Santana’s hips like it’s the only thing keeping her grounded, “I was so in love with you then and I'm still in love with you now."

Santana’s jaw drops, "What?"

"I’m in love with you,” Brittany admits simply, “Then and now.”

Santana blinks slowly, "Why – Why didn't you tell me?"

"Same reason you didn't tell me,” Brittany answers, “I was afraid of the consequences if I did speak up. I didn't want to ruin our friendship if you didn't have feelings for me. I didn't want to make things awkward between us because you're my best friend too and I don't think I could handle losing both my best friend and the girl I love.”

“I can’t believe this,” Santana breathes out then laughs, “After all this time?”

“Yeah,” Brittany replies. She feels a little heavier as she recounts that day, “When you left that night, I knew I was right to be afraid. I knew that you didn't really date but I thought maybe you'd make an exception for me? You ran off so fast though. I couldn’t lose you completely so I didn't pressure you into talking about it. If you wanted to pretend like it never happened, fine. If I had to love you at a distance, I guess I could do that too.”

Santana’s heart shatters. It’s then that she realizes that Brittany’s way too good for her. She’s completely in a league of her own and it’s an absolute fluke that Santana’s lucky enough to be loved by someone like her.

And to think she never considered herself lucky. Man, was she wrong!

But still, to hear what Brittany put herself through in order to save their friendship makes Santana’s chest ache. It makes her regret being such a dumbass about her feelings for her. It makes her wish she would’ve owned up to them all those years ago.

“So I brushed it off and stuck around…as your friend. But when you started dating Dani, I just…I didn't get it. I felt like I was being replaced,” Brittany admits.

“No Britt, I could never,” Santana assures her, “There’s not a single person out there that could take your place.”

Brittany smiles bashfully, “Yeah, I guess I sort of figured. You stuck around too so I thought that might've meant something.”

“I just couldn’t stay away,” Santana jokes.

Brittany laughs, it’s good to see her like this again. She rests back against her motorbike and pulls Santana in so that she’s standing between her legs now. Brittany slides her arms around Santana, she just fits in the space so perfectly.

“I had no idea you felt the same way,” Santana tells her. She begins to rub her hands up and down Brittany’s arms soothingly and they both ease into the feel, “I'm so sorry, Britt.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

The apology catches Santana off guard, “Wait. Why are you sorry?”

“Because I never told you?” Brittany replies bashfully, “I never told you and I should’ve. I should’ve told you so many times by now.”

Santana smiles, “You don’t have to apologize for that. You know how many times I wanted to say something but never did? Too many, so you don’t have to apologize for that.”

Brittany just shrugs, “I guess I wasn't exactly clear on how I felt either so we’re both kind of to blame.”

“Well to be clear now,” Santana starts as she draws near, “You know, just so there’s no confusion from here on out. I’m in love with you too, Britt.”

Brittany doesn’t even respond, just pulls her in for a kiss instead. It seemed like the right thing to do in that moment. No words, no lengthy confessions about love. Just a kiss, that’s all they need. It’s soft and sweet this time, and much needed after the days they’ve had without one another.

It’s like she put this thing out into the universe and just hoped that the universe would come through for her. And it did, it really did.

“We've wasted so much time,” Santana sighs once they pull away, “We could’ve bypassed all the heartache.”

"That’s okay,” Brittany smiles as she smooths her hand over Santana’s hair, “No use in dwelling on all the what-ifs. We can make up for it now. No more hiding. No more cons behind each other's backs. We talk more, like this, about how we feel.”

It honestly sounds terrifying to Santana, but she agrees: For Brittany, she has to at least try. Thanks to Quinn, that’s Santana’s new mantra for whenever she feels herself begging to retreat. She won’t do it this time, or any time. She’s here to stay.

“I can do that,” Santana says confidently.

“I know you can,” Brittany winks as moves to stand from the motorbike. She still keeps a hand on Santana’s waist while she gives her a hopeful grin, “Now, I have a pretty important question for you.”

Santana visibly gulps, “Okay?”

“You want to go for a ride?"

Santana lets out a laugh as she slips from Brittany’s hold, “That’s the first thing you want to do after a talk like that?”

“It’s not the first thing that comes to mind,” Brittany smirks, “But I figured the make-up sex could come after I finish up my work.”

“Your work? What could you possibly have left to do?” Santana questions through her smile.

Brittany tugs a little on Santana, “Come with me and find out.”

Santana lifts a brow at the flirty tone. She really can’t tell whether or not Brittany’s being serious about the work or she’s just using it as an excuse to entice Santana.

Santana looks down skeptically at Brittany’s sports bra/overalls combo, “You’re going to go out dressed like that?”

Brittany pouts, “What’s wrong with how I’m dressed?”

Santana steals a quick kiss, “Nothing. I’m just used to seeing you in a blazer and designer trousers or something ridiculously expensive.”

“It’s only a quick run. I just have to pick up that toy submarine thing for tomorrow,” Brittany shrugs and tries to pull Santana in again, “Come on, go with me? You know I’ve got a helmet just for you. I picked it out myself: fire-engine red. I know that’s your color.”

“Ooh, tempting.”

“Really?”

“No,” Santana giggles.

“Damn,” Brittany chastises through her smile and releases Santana, “I really thought I had a breakthrough there.”

“Maybe one day,” Santana teases then leans in to kiss her cheek, “But it’s not today.”

“Don’t worry. I can wait,” Brittany chuckles, “You’re bound to change your mind at some point.”

#Lopezs 8 #brittana #brittana fanfiction #fanfics #oceans 8

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samanthalendo · 3 years

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Why I Almost Went To UT Austin; And Why I Didn’t

(As a preface: I will be speaking mainly in vague details about my personal life and the college I ended up choosing. This is for my own privacy and comfort. In addition, I am not bashing the UT system or anyone who choose to go there; I have loved ones going there very soon, and I have a lot admiration for the school and all the opportunities it can afford someone. However, these are the reasons I will not be attending and some reasons any school might miss out on students they might have otherwise garnered. As well, all photos are mine unless otherwise stated. Enjoy!)

Let me set the scene.

Choosing a college is hard. It’s freakin hard. It’s even more difficult in the middle of a global pandemic. You can’t actually go anywhere, can’t take tours or go to fairs or get a feel for the city you want to call home. I struggled a lot with really connecting to any of the schools I was interested in. Lots of apathy towards the whole process. Despite all this, I had one school I had been interested in since the end of sophomore year, and I thought that was the only place I wanted to go.

The University of Texas at Austin appealed to me for a few different reasons. In no particular order:

It was close to family.

I have tons, and I mean tons of family in Texas. This would have put me significantly closer to them and meant I had a support system when going to college. Making sure I would have a nice warm dinner and bath to escape to on crappy days seems pretty nice during global pandemics! Notably, however, it was not close to my immediate family.

It was in a big city.

Looking back I can laugh at myself and the idea I had for my college experience. At the time I was much more focused on the social and Instagramable side of the school I chose. Any time my parents suggested a school, the first thing I did was look for photos of it. If it didn’t have the feel I was looking for (young, new, hip, growing) I seldom looked further.

Austin was exactly what I was looking for. A city with a 32.4% growth rate in the last decade (1), it screamed new and exciting. I wanted to be apart of that vibe during college, especially when I thought my boyfriend and I would be going to the same place (we are still happily together and just going to different schools, btw). Anything less didn’t seem worth it or fun enough.

It’s a high ranking journalism school.

Rankings are subjective so it absolutely depends on where you look, but UT Austin consistently ranks within the top ten journalism schools in the nation, which is incredible. I’ve wanted to study journalism since about sophomore year and I was so excited that on top of the aforementioned attributes, this would be a reputable place to study and get a degree from. Truth be told, I didn’t do nearly any research into the actual programs, opportunities, or benefits UTA offered, #foreshadowing.

UTA was the first school I applied to, and as such it established my expectations for how applying to a big name school would work. Let me just say it, the application process sucked. I ended up writing two full-length essays, only one of which I used and extensively edited, and at least five different short answer paragraphs. I believe I also had to submit a resume when I applied for the Journalism Honors program, though that was additional. It was intense, and quite honestly didn’t seem worth it. Up until this point I was pretty much riding the wave of, “Yeah, UT Austin, that’s a school people will respond positively to when they ask where I’m going.” As aforementioned, I hadn’t done any in-depth research into what programs UT had to offer me, but from what little looking I had done, nothing was jumping out at me. With nothing spectacular being shown to me on a silver platter, enticing me to #golonghorns, the arduous application process felt taxing and stressful.

(A little side note on writing college essays: do not force yourself to write about something that doesn’t feel genuine to you. I don’t care if you think you have something that they’re bound to notice or admire; if you’re not passionate about it, you won’t get anywhere. As mentioned, I wrote two different essays when applying to UT. In my first essay, I wrote about leadership experiences in high school and how they shaped me. Important? Yes. Influential for me? Absolutely. But nothing I’m ready to rave about to anyone who walks through the door. That essay felt fake and artificial. I knew I didn’t like it or want it to represent me. So, I sat down and started writing about a situation that happened over the summer at my high school, one that really ground my gears. I couldn’t stop talking about how upset I was. I wrote all about the experience and how it made me want to be a better journalist and to always help to portray the truth. If anyone would like to know more about that story, let me know. The point is, I was passionate about the topic and it made it much easier to write believably. I didn’t just need this piece to represent me, I wanted it to represent me. I wanted the application readers to understand my frustration and feel all the emotions I felt in those moments. Pick something you feel that way about.)

I’m not going to BS and say that the application process will be fun if the school you’re applying to is the right one for you. All I’m saying is it should feel worth it, like all this hard work and effort is really going to culminate into your dream school. I definitely didn’t feel that with UTA, which was one of my first red flags. I felt very disconnected from the school, like I was just another fish in the pond of out of state applicants, hoping they’d like my bright colors over the next.

A little background: I am, for the purposes of Texas schools, an out-of-state applicant. I don’t have residency in TX and I didn’t go to a public high school in TX, and this contributes heavily to UTA admissions. I’ll link a great article going further in-depth on the admissions numbers and percentages, but due to the advantages granted to TX resident applicants, approximately only 9% of UTA students are out of state (2). That number is so low because TX students in the top 6% of their graduating class, no matter their test scores, are automatically accepted. This means that on top of great grades, out-of-state applicants for UTA have ACT scores that are between 3-5 points higher and SAT scores that are about 150 points higher than their average TX counterpart.

If you aren’t stressed out just reading that, teach me your ways because I was sure was.

This was sort of where the perceived animosity started between myself and UTA. I constantly checked my email and mailbox, hoping to get a letter or promotional email or something to indicate they were interested in me as a student. Seldom did they ever come. I got hundreds of emails from other schools and received nearly as much snail mail, but hardly ever from UT, even after I asked to receive their newsletters and an informational packet (which never came, BTW).

I quickly came to realize that all of this was likely due to the fact that I was so far away, out of the UT sphere of control or influence. Most of the emails I received were from schools in my neighboring states or in my state, closer with a higher likelihood of recruiting me. A school in TX, where I did not study or hold residency, would not seek me out.

Here’s my issue. They didn’t have to seek me out. That’s fine, whatever, makes sense. But I sought them out. I signed up for everything. I filled out their long application, sent it in early. I tried to tour the school in the throws of COVID, having to settle for a self-paced walk about an empty campus to satisfy my need to know more about this school, to learn more about what it could offer me. None of my efforts proved fruitful, and it didn’t feel like the school really wanted me there. I wondered whether this was really where I wanted to be.

By mid-November, while I wouldn’t have called myself discouraged, I would definitely have identified with the word antsy. When I sent in my application in September, they notified me that I would get my answer sometime in January or February. I can’t even explain how far away that felt. Especially being out of state, I wanted to know their decision as quickly as possible. The wait felt like an eternity.

My dad has always stressed the importance of not putting all your eggs in one basket. While I had shot my shot with UT and was waiting for the scoreboard to change, he was still exploring other options I had in the world of journalism schools. Without me knowing or really agreeing, he scheduled a tour with a school about two hours away from where we lived. It would be on a Saturday, just the two of us, and we’d make a day trip out of it. Honestly, I was more excited for the trip than the school itself. It had always been one I had turned my nose up at; to be fair, I did that with almost any school that wasn’t UT.

We were about five minutes late to the opening presentation at the school. Quickly shuffling into the only seats we saw, some in the very front row of the socially distanced conference hall, we settled in for a lot of new information coming our way. Though he had planned it, my dad didn’t know that much about the school either. We were both skeptical, a bit frazzled, and tired from having woken up around five o’clock that morning.

But with every slide, every question, every time the presenter opened her mouth, we were drawn further in.

It wasn’t just the feel of the school, or the location, or the looks. The facts didn’t lie. I won’t share too many so as to keep at least some privacy, but to say this school was my diamond in the rough wouldn’t be too much of an overstatement. Despite that, throughout the day and our two guided tours, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, keeping me from getting too excited about this new school. I couldn’t help but think about UT and all of the emotional commitment I had already made to it. How excited my family was that I was hoping to go there, how happy my grandmother was that I would be closer to her. I thought of the teachers I had complained to about the long essays, the people who had edited those essays for me. I thought about the burnt orange hoodie sitting in my closet, towards the front due to how often I wore it.

The new school won over both my heart and my head. While I really felt at home there, I also would have to have been dead to overlook all of the opportunities it could afford me. I was close to my immediate family and the town I had gone to high school in. I could come home often, visit family and friends more frequently than if I moved states away. Everything seemed right.

In between our tours, due to the nagging I was feeling, I tried to schedule a tour with UTA, to at least give it a fighting chance. I figured, had I not had an in-person tour of this new school, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Maybe a real tour would make me fall in love with UT again. However, when I tried to schedule one, all of the tours for the rest of the semester were completely booked, and the calendar wasn’t yet available for the spring semester. I immediately called to find out more, only to be told that they weren’t sure the state of in-person tours upon return to campus after holidays due to COVID. Looking back, I know it was a sign. UT had, for all intents and purposes, closed its doors on me. It was time I accepted the willing arms of the school I gazed upon with wonder, truly in limbo as to what might happen next.

By the end of December, I was admitted and had committed to the new school. I wouldn’t find out about UT for another month, but honestly, I didn’t really need to. This new school had everything I could ever want, and UT had a fair amount of drawbacks. I didn’t and still don’t feel any remorse for committing without having known UT’s decision on me.

I received an email January 29th, over a month after having committed to the new school, that I needed to check my UT MyStatus page. I never really worried about getting in due to my test scores and grades, but I felt a level of anger towards the school that I thought I had gotten over, and finding out I had gotten in after all would bring up new emotions. I checked the page, and sure enough I had been admitted to the University of Texas at Austin’s class of 2025. I wasn’t elated or jumping up and down with joy or breaking down happy crying in my parent’s arms. I was pretty stoic, thinking about all that could have been had I felt any more like UT really wanted me.

(3)

All things happen for a reason. Because I didn’t feel much reciprocation in my love for UT, I instead found the school of my dreams, one that I know I’ll be much happier at. I wouldn’t change any of my decisions, except maybe stressing over the essays as much as I did.

My final thoughts would have to be this: I don’t blame the UT system for not focusing as much on its out-of-state applicants. I mean, I do, but I understand that it’s often simply not in their best interest. I do think that they should have reached out, sent more newsletters, have actually sent me the information packet I requested, anything to make me feel more connected with this place I was dying to call home. While I know they aren’t very focused on bringing in students from other states, I think they should be, especially for those that are going the extra mile to reach out to them.

The right school will have a lot of different things for every different person. For me, that meant being close to my immediate family, knowing I would have all of the opportunities I wanted, being financially secure, and feeling like the school wanted me, not just the other way around. UT didn’t provide me all of that. Finding the school that will is the most important thing. Your needs and wants may be different, but don’t toss all of your eggs in one basket. Don’t be afraid to change your mind and always keep looking for something better. For all you know, it may be out there.

(Thank you so much for reading! Links are below. This is just meant to be an opinion piece and is the first thing I’ve written for myself in a very long time. I hope you learned something and that this may be helpful on your college journey! Au revoir!)

1. https://www.austinchamber.com/economic-development/austin-profile/population/overview

2. https://magoosh.com/hs/college-admissions/ut-austin-admissions-the-sat-act-scores-and-gpa-you-need-to-get-in/

3. https://news.utexas.edu/2020/09/22/four-year-graduation-rate-tops-70-as-ut-austin-admits-one-of-its-largest-first-year-classes/

#ut austin #university of texas #texas #college #journalism #photography #uta #university of texas at austin #university #admissions #ut2025 #2025 #bell tower #writing #opinion #samanthalendo

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