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ineffablydaydreaming · 8 months

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Okay i might be a little pissed off. Expect typos, im on my phone.

A character does not need a specific label, have a gender, nor have sex/romantic physical gestures in order to be queer rep

Aziraphale and Crowley are not gay men.

They are played by male actors. They present male most of the time. But that means nothing, because gender presentation =/= gender identity or sex.

Neil has said multiple times that angels and demons are sexless. It's on the book. It's on several of his tweets and answers to asks. This implies that angels and demons are non-binary by default. Gabriel isn't a man, Michael isn't a woman, Beelzebub isn't a woman, Furfur isn't a man.

And now, you could argue that a genderless creature isn't necessarily queer and I agree! Several animals are genderless irl.

But here's what makes them queer: it's not that they don't have a gender, it's that they don't give a fuck about it. Crowley presents female i believe up to three times in the show, Neil was planning a minisode where both he and Aziraphale are fem-presenting in the 60s; Michael is a male angel name and he's played by an actress and (At least in the portuguese dub? Correct me if im wrong) still called "he". Same for Beelzebub, who I think is also reffered to with they/them in english. Hell, God has a female voice and is still called God (the male version of the word!!!) and even Her pronouns are a bit flexible in certain dubs.

What makes them queer is that their genderless aspect isn't just biological, it's their identity, too. These characters are all non-binary, they know it, and they don't mind it.

"But they present male and call each other 'he'!"

As I said, gender presentation does not equal identity and neither does pronouns. It's words: words that get often associated with a certain gender but are, in the end, just words.

Not only that, but this argument also comes from the expectation that non-binary people cannot present themselves in a binary way, which is an absurd thing to expect. People irl have all kinds of different hormonal balances and many enby folk may be hypermasculine or hyperfeminine due to high testosterone or estrogen respectively. And you know what? They might not want to change that, and that is completely fine.

Non binary people do not owe you androginy.

Being trans isn't about appearances, isn't about transitioning, it's about identity. Thinking otherwise is borderline transmedicalist ideology.

Good Omens breaks gender norms all the fucking time in both seasons, something many shows are afraid to do, and it's not just for comedy reasons, which tends to be the norm when shows do it. They do it because it's fun, it's fine, and because they acknowledge that gender norms are stupid.

That's queer as hell.

My second point, no need for labels. Just like angels and demons don't need gender labels, they don't need sexuality labels. At all. Especially since they're often intertwined.

Just because two characters don't have their specific labels revealed doens't mean they aren't queer or, fuck's sake, don't love each other.

In A League Of Their Own, no characters get specific labels, what they are is simply implied. Greta is very implied to be lesbian but they never say the exact word. Does that mean she isn't queer?

In The Song Of Achilles, no characters get specific labels because hell, the labels didn't exist at the time the story takes place in. Both main characters are implied to be bi/pansexual but it's obviously never told in the text. Does that mean they aren't queer?

In Undertale and Deltarune, no characters get specific labels, but in both games the main protagonist is nonbinary (and is in both cases a human being!) and both games have several mlm and wlw couples and several more nonbinary characters across the storyline, but it's never specifically labeled. Does that mean it doesn't have queer rep?

Neil has said several times that Good Omens is a love story, that Aziraphale and Crowley love each other, that even if they're not 'gay male humans' they still feel love for one another. That's the entire point of season two.

And now, I get it, okay? I don't like authors tip-toeing around labeling their characters either, especially since in most places we are past the age of having to code characters instead of just make them openly queer. I get the fear and uncertainty that often came from some sort of trauma from bbc's Sherlock, I felt it too. I get that for some it may seem as if it's queerbaiting, or pink money, or simply being too scared to say a character is queer.

But that's just not the case with Good Omens. The point is not to avoid labels because they're scary. The point is that, for Good Omens, and aziracrow, labels are useless. They're not humans, they don't have a gender, they don't need the labels.

And you know what?

That's also queer as hell.

Society has to put people into boxes, has to separate folk, has to label everyone. No one can be different, and id you are you need to fit this specific box of different. If you go out, you're too much, you're too rebellious, you're a freak. If they just let people do whatever they wanted it would be hard to marginalize them and keep the system going.

A quote I once heard feels important for this occasion:

"To define yourself is to restrain yourself."

When you define something in strict terms you're putting rules to it. Rules that can be broken. Rules that should be broken. And the rulebreakers get insulted, hated, violated, killed.

Aziraphale and Crowley are breaking these rules by 'existing' as who they are. They're not gay men, they're not lesbian women, they're not bisexual agenders, but at the same time they are all of those things at the same time, whenever they want to, whenever YOU want them to, as Neil himself put it. Because fuck labels. And you're hating them for it, hating them because they're refusing to enter those boxes.

Humans are weird and complex. Let the angels and demons be weird and complex too.

Lastly, queer relationships don't need sex - nor kisses.

There's this expectation that romantic love is only true love if they kiss, if they live together, if they sleep on the same bed, if they go on dates, if they marry, if they have kids, if they have sex. Break one of these and people will raise an eyebrow. Break two and they look at you weird. Break three and everyone judges you. Break all of them and, suddenly, you and your partner have been declared "just friends" by outsiders who don't know you in the slightest.

Welcome to amatonormativity.

Or, better saying, another stupid box, another set of rules.

There's this headcanon that Crowley kisses Aziraphale as a last resort not because it's a gesture if love (even Neil said it wasn't out of love) but because he's seen it in human movies and, in movies, kissing someone in despair is a cliché that often ends in the other person not leaving.

This wasn't a love kiss. But Crowley still loves Aziraphale. Do you know why?

Because angels and demons, most likely, do not need human gestures to show love. They, most likely, comprehend love in an entirely different light.

Maybe Aziraphale is touchy with Crowley because he likes it and that is a good enough reason, but it's an individual reason, just like a person irl might be more fond of hugging their partner than kissing them, and that's fine. Nothing wrong with it. There's no right or wrong way to have a relationship. Acting like there is is reinforcing the rules set by amatonormativity, and it is also completely disregarding the experiences of asexual and aromantic folk. The entire spectrums btw.

Now think about the rules I mentioned earlier. Must kiss, must fuck, must marry etc.

Aziracrow also breaks almost all of them.

That's also queer as hell!!!

Being queer and celebrating pride isn't about having labels. It's about breaking societal norms: heteronormativity, cisnormativity, mononormativity, amatonormativity, etc. Norms that are used to opress us, to put us in boxes, to separate us, to marginalize us, and to kill us.

A show that gives the middle finger to all of these and just tells its story however way it likes, not caring about labeling the characters or having a long monologue about homophobia or showing a explicit sex scene between the two characters or following any of those stupid rules imposed by society, a society ran by cishet folk, is as queer as a show can ever be.

To deny that is to reinforce a narrative that is literally used to opress us.

That's all, bye.

Also, some of you guys are giving "I call beez she/her because of the actress" and that's cringe, but not surprising, ngl.

#hissing around #go2 #gomens #gomens 2 #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens season 2 #good omens season two #crowley #good omens tv #ineffable husbands #good omens spoilers #good omens s2 #aziraphale #rant

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bettyshoweduptotheparty · 6 months

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what was it like as a gaylor before 2016?

What an appropriate question on the 10 year anniversary of the kaylor public launch at the VSFS 2013 :) As it's quite a subjective question, prepare for my gaylor/kaylor origin story 😉

I've been a more committed Taylor fan since Red came out in 2012, but because I'm in the UK a lot of the public media buzz about her has passed me by (except for the headlines about her and Harry, that was definitely a big story over here). In spring 2013 the article about her and Dianna exploded on the internet and, despite it obviously being retracted, it perked my ears up because 1. I was also a big glee fan at the time, and 2. it seemed to offer an explanation to why I found her music so relatable having just had my heart broken by a girl and all her genderless breakup songs fit that situation so well. So, I did a bit of research and quickly realised that, if she was in fact with Dianna, it would have been at the same time that she was supposedly dating Harry, as well as that Kennedy guy. No public acknowledgement of any queerness (like ever) so it was very clear to me from the start that, if she is dating women, she is doing it very much in secret. Not a great inspiration for fairly newly out me (23 at the time), so I filed that information and moved on with just her music. Didn't really think about it again until over a year later when a guy in a club decided to bully me and my then gf with the sentence 'Are you a real couple or just bffs like Taylor Swift and that model chick?' Yep, my kaylor origin story is a straight man harassing me in a nightclub. What are the odds, right? 🤭

So, because that remark somehow stuck with me (and I had no idea who that ' model chick' even was) I googled it, expecting to find something similar to the Dianna situation and my jaw hit the floor when I got pages and pages of photos of Taylor and Karlie walking the streets of NYC holding hands, smiling at each other with the biggest heart eyes. It genuinely changed my life. It may sound totally stupid and out of proportion, given that they didn't acknowledge it as a relationship (which I'm aware was doing no favours to lesbian visibility), but it did something to me to see the girl whose music I'd danced to in my bedroom when I was 16 so happily in love with another girl. I'd never seen that sort of love between two women, either in fiction or in real life, and it felt like she'd reached across the miles dividing us to tell me that it's possible, and that if she could find it (even in hiding), I could, too. And somehow it didn't matter to me what they were calling it, I could see what it was and it was everything to me. But I only had a few months to enjoy it before kissgate ruined it and of course the tabloids printed words like 'affair' and ‘scandal' and by March the next year we had Calvin Harris, then Hiddleswift, and then Joe. But at the same time, we got 1989 and rep with some of the gayest music ever written. And I found a great community of fellow queer people on here in those years that seemed to enjoy watching them and seeing their lives in the lyrics as much as I did. I’ve dipped in and out of the online space for years, lurking when there were more kind people around and disappearing when the hate got worse. It was fun to watch it all unfold in real time with people, I’m impressed that people still become new kaylors these days when there is no real time interaction and the hate from the general fanbase towards Karlie is still high since 2018. I don’t think I would be a gaylor today if I hadn’t witnessed their love in front of everybody’s eyes in that year, that really made me resilient to setbacks because I’m just so irretrievably in love with their love story. I’ve seen how Taylor lashes out when she’s cornered and scared (like she did after kiss gate) and sometimes we’re the collateral damage of that. And as much as that sucks it just shows that she’s incredibly protective of her little bubble of happiness and the more you poke the bear the more savage she’ll be in her retaliation. Do I wish she didn’t throw her most loyal supporters off a cliff every time she needs a straight excuse? Of course! But have I also hurt people I care about to protect my loved ones? Yes. So I can’t really judge. I can just take a walk when it gets too much, and wait for the soft shit to pull me back in.

So, to summarise, being a gaylor has always (and will always) have highs and lows, the public narrative is never for us, only the music is. But that's ok with me, I've learned to tune the noise out and enjoy the music, reminding myself that those songs were inspired by one of the greatest love stories I've ever accidently stumbled upon.

#gaylor #kaylor #my kaylor origin story #anon ask

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zorosbeau33 · 14 days

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They have a crush~ Momo Yaoyorozu Headcanon

❖ MHA/BNHA, Momo x genderless reader

❖ Headcanon, possible series part 1, fluff, romance

❖ No trigger warnings today!

❖ wc: 850

❖ @kimnamshiks @d0uble0hd0nut ❖ Masterlist ❖

. ⋅˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ ⋅˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

My first time writing for one of the gals! Inspired by my friend and her love of "Wamins!"

. ⋅˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ ⋅˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

Momo is such a doting partner lets begin with that however, she is also a romantic who has seen most romance through her rich and eccentric parents, or through cheesy romance movies and fanfiction

She would totally have a little tumblr anonymous blog all about her crush on you long before she felt confident it was more than just a fleeting sensation.

Would totally have little lyric snippets about her feelings for you as posts to go as her status for that morning or lunch or tea time or dinner etc “When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change~” “Oh I can’t believe its happening to me! Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this!”

Several friends have caught on and know about it, some even send her little memes or romantic posts they think she’d like or relate to!

Or some memes to tease her for her crush as friends do

Expect her to blush and stammer and stutter around you, eyes lighting up if you ask to do something together

It can be work, fun, or just food she is as happy as the first time the others went to her house

This tall beautiful girl is so in love with you, she is total puppy eyes for anything you do

If you hug her she may short circuit for a moment out of complete joy and panic before hugging you back gently

She is not super strong like some other heroes but she does work out and she never wants to press even slightly too hard when she reaches for you

Queen of respecting your space, she strictly adheres to your boundaries and won’t even ask if they’ve changed when you both get closer. So if you start out not wanting skinship as that is something you reserve for people you’re really close with you will need to be the one to bring it up if you change your mind.

Seriously out of respect, she may not realize if you just try to hold her hand or hug her after you’ve gotten closer, she is daintily stepping out of reach thinking you had moved closer unintentionally and she doesn’t want to erode your trust in her even by accidentally breaking your space bubble

A Momo with a crush will slowly gain more confidence as she gets positive feedback from you. Of course, all of it anonymously goes on her blog, and she talks it out with her friends to make sure she isn’t missing anything and to plan her next steps

Bless their hearts, they help ground this romantic in reality a bit so she doesn’t end up confessing way too soon and way too publicly or dramatically to the point it might feel like a staged prank

Todoroki is sitting on her bed absolutely clueless as he listens to her babble excitedly to Tsu, Ochako, Jiro, and Hitoshi. Surprisingly other than his small mumbled words of surprise at relationship things in general makes good points for her and the others by just using logic and his level-headed reasoning.

He is also your biggest supporter of you two getting together because he sees how happy you make her and that alone makes him smile and tell you you have his full support…to what you didn’t know and Momo was too embarrassed and stunned to explain when he just walked off afterward

She can make anything with her body so long as she knows the molecular compound, or buy anything for you with her money. But she is too romantic for that, she insists on learning how to handcraft something for you

Lots of little love notes end up in your mailbox, hand scrapbooked edges and lace envelopes without a name

She moves slowly and lets you realize on your own through the small touches here, words of affirmation, handwritten letters, and small handcrafted gifts (even with bandaged fingers from failing at first to craft them properly) that she likes you

If you ask she will blush and stammer but tell you if you want to know then why don’t you go to the park with her that weekend and she’d answer you then

Like I said she is a romantic, It is clearly a date and she dresses up so beautifully and sets up a wonderful picnic on the grass by the stream

When you get there she’d finally confess unable to look you in the eyes as she plays with her fingers but admits she has liked you for a long time and asks if it’d be okay for her to act on those feelings today

Your hands being held together not only gets sent to the group chat while you two sit together and talk but posted to her blog as she adds a little dreams come true quote to it

Congratulations you have just gotten the sweetest woman as a girlfriend, she is going to dote and spoil you rotten. Please take gentle care of her heart, it's so fragile hold it carefully in your trusted hands

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lovely-necromancy · 8 months

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Gifted Snapdragon ch.1

pairing: Astarion x Genderless Tav (called Flora but other wise not given an appearance)

Summary: A long slow burn starting from the beginning of the journey, and going on for far long after the game ends. A story for soft Tavs who have some morals and just want to help this boy heal.

Warnings: a slow burn to put Jane Austin to shame, canon compliant mind control and manipulation

A/N: I have not played BG3 yet (my computer unalived itself right after I made my character) so until I get money for a new pc I have to rely on longplays of the game on youtube. Apologies if characters or events seem off.

To think that running a simple errand for your older sister; a few days trip to Baldur's Gate to retrieve her wedding gown from the bridal hall, that's what got you into this mess. The travel wasn't horrible but you'd made it no further than five meters into the city before you'd been captured by the mind flayers. Taken aboard the ship, stuffed into a pod, and been an unfortunate soul to be infected with a worm that was currently squirming away in your brain. The dragons had been a real fun bit – you'd have to remember to tell Fauna all about them and how they'd left you in a fiery wreckage of a flying ship, left to fall right out of the sky. Though your sister would hardly find that bit amusing, she may if you emphasis the outlandishness of the ripples of psionic energy that had saved you from being but mush on the beach just mere feet above the ground, suspended.

Though you couldn't have been too sure that that was what had happened, as a fog had come over you mid fall and it almost sounded as though someone was speaking to you before you made contact with the sand. Your eyes catching on nothing but an empty beach cast a glow with the flames of the fallen ship. No one else was there.

You sit up and take a few calming breaths in time with the waves crashing on shore. The calm washes over you as the water pulls the sand with the tide, with adrenaline lowering in your system by the breath you begin to assess yourself – checking over yourself for any signs of damage or tear. Finding none but the dull itch left in your eye from that creature you stand.

Upon straightening yourself, you glance towards the flaming ship off a little ways from your landing. Time to put more space between you and that awful vessel.

As you turn you spot the prone figure of the woman you'd helped out of the pod aboard the cursed cruiser. Her name was Shadowheart if the landing didn't cause any damage to you brain that would have made that name up. You move swiftly to her side and slide down to you knees; gently you shake her awake. Her eyes are glazed and bleary when they first open, the unfocused gaze falls on you and soon recognition ignites in them.

Sitting up she takes in the chaos around the two of you.

“You're alive...I – I'm alive. We're alive but that doesn't make sense, how is this possible?” Shadowheart swiftly rights herself and stuffs her mysterious trinket into her pocket.

Scanning the area with a furrowed brow you frown, “I'm not quite sure I understand it myself.”

Upon a further inspection you realize someone is missing from your little party, “Wait a minute, the Githyanki warrior, where is she? Do you think she's fallen further along the shore?”

“Possible, but I'm not sure you should concern yourself with her, Gith aren't known for their friendly dispositions. I'd say you out grew your usefulness to her and she went back to worrying about herself. Which is what we should be doing. We'll need to gather supplies, find food, and shelter, but most importantly we'll have to find a healer.” she takes a step closer, “We may be free of the ship but we are still infected and at the mercy of those beasts.”

A little shocked you stare at her with surprise, “We? You – you want to stay together?” you ask – and it comes out in a much smaller voice than you'd intended.

“Mhhmm.” she nods, “We need each other right now, we can watch each other's backs. I can't think of better company than that of another half-elf.”

You give an understanding nod of your own, “That sounds like a fine plan. I'm called Flora by the way, wasn't much of a chance to tell you on the ship.”

To which she smiles brightly, “Very well, nice meeting you Flora.” she offers a mock bow, one you readily return.

“Well met, Shadowheart.”

Standing back to your full heights you catch each other's eyes and start to laugh. A little silliness amongst this mess does help to lighten the mood.

With those pleasantries out of the way and a renewed sense of vigor the two of you begin to head off the beach and in search of some type of settlement; when Shadow heart puts a hand on your shoulder, a gentle grasp that squeezes her fingers into your shirt just a bit, “I – I just want to thank you...again. For freeing me from that pod, so much was going on that it would've been easier on you to just leave me. But you didn't and I'll remember that.” with a nod she pushes her hand off your shoulder and mentions for you to lead the way.

The two of you travel through the wreckage of what looked to be a previously beautiful and serene beach: now bodies and viscera lay painted around every corner and crevasse it seems. And the little brain creatures seem to be posted as sentries scanning the shore for any survivors who'd made it through the crash.

An unsettling feeling fills your veins at the thought, quickly you crouch behind a large stone and look back to the brunette half-elf who follows your lead.

Speaking in a low and hushed whisper to not get noticed, “I think it's best if we sneak around those things for the moment, could get dicey if we -”

A scuttling sound, wet and sloshing with each supposed step, has the two of you pin straight and scanning your surroundings. Unable to find the source near, Shadowheart peers around the rock – now spotting three of the creatures milling about in a pattern. Coming back to meet you she silently nods her agreement.

Thinking of a plan to get the two of you out of here unnoticed proves more difficult than you'd initially thought. You know next to nothing about mind flayers and even less about the worms and these brain babies. Taking the chance you peak back around the rock and at the creatures following the same pattern that Shadowheart convey to you in a mimed manner. However, after watching them for a while you noticed something peculiar – the brains don't look up, they seem to only have the ability to perceive with a limited range of sight...one that only saw on the ground and not above.

That was it if the two of you could take to higher ground you'd have no trouble with the mutated organs and may even have a bit of an upper hand on them if you were able to keep your eye on them from a safe distance.

Doing your best through a series of hand gestures and trying to have Shadowheart follow your own line of sight you convey your plan.

The she elf seems to be on autopilot listening to you and following along with your gestures. And you catch the exact moment that the plan clicks for her. Dark eyes widen and her mouth goes slightly slack as the realization hit her like a crashing mind flayer ship.

Soon, it's quick work for the both of you to jump atop a few stones and climb more sturdy rock formations to get on top of a metal platform – broken pieces of the once flying ship. It's almost too convenient that you'd both managed to get around three of those creatures and now you were mere meters away from entering the grasslands.

Hopeful to reach some kind of cover from any lurking sentries you hasten your pace.

It looks like you weren't the only ones who'd made it out of the beach. Up ahead you spot a mop of silver curls just in the brush. Speeding up – creating a bit of distance from Shadowheart, who was preoccupied ensuring nothing noticed your departure from the beach – you find yourself closing in on an elf seemingly slightly older than yourself.

Red eyes are quick to find you, his face reads relieved while his stance suggests tension lies underneath. He beckons you closer.

“Help,” he calls as he motions for you, “I have one of those brain creature things cornered just in the grass over there. You can kill it can't you? Like the others.”

You had managed to kill a few whilst aboard the ship but that'd been with help from Shadowheart and the Gith woman. You're a little doubtful you'd be able to handle one on your own.

Still, taking into account Shadowheart's current distance from you, you figure it wouldn't hurt to at least give it a go. So, you nod, “Yes, as long as it's just the one. I should be able to handle that.”, taking a step closer and then surpassing the man.

“It's there can you see it?” he asks voice giving a tremble – or perhaps that was the tickling ringing you heard in your ear.

Your focus zones in when the bushes give a little shake.

You stay where you are refusing to take another step forward since the bushes are too dense to see through you'd miss the signs if the creature lunged out at you.

A gravely voice cries out, “Run!” and soon a boar is running free and away from your direction.

You chuckle and shake your head. The man has been through a lot this day, you all have, it's absolutely reasonable he'd make the assumption a young boar hiding in the brush was one of those creatures. While your relieved it was just a silly boar you're still concerned if the man needs a rest. Until you turn to see the glint of a dagger held to you.

Since the elf has it wielded towards you, Shadowheart makes no attempt to move to your aid – in fear of provoking him to cause actual harm.

Looking at the man you can tell this isn't the first time he's found himself brandishing a weapon, more specifically a dagger, to someone; no his stance is too set, too firm, and the placement of the blade indicates he won't hesitate to use it if need be. However, if he'd wanted to hurt you there was amble time while your back had been turned and Shadowheart was further away. Slowly you bring your hands up hoping to alleviate any tension in the elf that could result in him slicing you on reflex.

“Now, I just want some answers. I saw you two scuttling around the ship – you're in leagues with them aren't you? Those tentacled....urgh!”

You and the elf stumble forward and the worms in your brain communicate to one another. Much like with the introductions with the other two women on the ship you are bombarded with visions from the man's perspective. A sense of prowling on a dark street, then the tentacles from his capture, the worm, and light so much light. Then a glimpse of yourself through his eyes, a young thing with wide doe eyes and all the grace of a baby deer as well.

In turn he is plagued with visions from your perspective.

“Wha- what was that? What is happening?” he asks his grip on the dagger loosening as he lowers it to rub his temple harshly.

“It's that worm. We believe it's connecting all of us.” you fight the urge to mirror his position – it really has been of no help to stave off the pain.

His posture straightens slightly looking to you – but not quite at you, “The worm? Of course the worm – well I guess that explains a few things.”

Then the elf focuses his gaze on you once more, “And to think I nearly decorated the ground with your innards. Apologies.”

Noting the relaxed stance and lowered blade you relax yourself, dropping your hands to your side once more. And you are quick to offer him a small smile, “Apology accepted, it's been quite the day for us all I believe.”

A short chuckle spills from his lips, it's there you realize you keep staring at them as if drawn to them – his tone flows like a river, an unpredictable calmness. The sound reminds you of Fauna; star above and below you hope you make it through this, she'd never forgive herself if you died doing her a favor.

“What a – kind spirit.” he gestures in a manner you can't tell if to insult or praise you before he continues on to introduce himself, “My name's Astarion, I was in Baldur's Gate when those bests snatched me.” his expression turns just short of a snarl at the admission.

Placing a hand over your chest you introduce your little party, “Flora,” sweeping a hand to motion towards your fellow half-elf who holds a scowl over her features, not unlike the one she'd held before you released her from the pod, “and she is called Shadowheart.”

He follows your hand with an “Of course she is,” before he returns his gaze to you, opening his chest as he stands with his hands placed on his his lower back and a smirk decorates his face shifting his weight around, “A pleasure.”

You nod a little in agreement, sparing another last glance to your companion to see she is still just as wary of the elf before you.

“So,” Astarion, calls gaining your attention once more, “do you know anything about these worms.”

There's a quiver in your lip you can't shake as you pout glancing off to the side. Delivering bad news...politely was always difficult for you. With the matter of a painful transformation before you all ceased to exist as yourself...well that required more tact than you held.

“Um – yes, well unfortunately it seems they'll turn us into mind flayers if we don't find a way to get rid of them.”

His eyes grow wide and he blinks a time or two before a disbelieving laugh falls from his lips, somehow the sound sours the smooth river tone. Its weight adds to the already oppressive air amidst the wreckage of the crash site.

“Turn us into- ha. Hahaha – why of course whatever else could it have done aside from turn me into a monster.”

It may be the stress of the day but Astarion seems to have a habit of talking to himself.

Astarion speaks up again this time with an optimistic sort of lilt, “Although if it hasn't happened yet, there's a chance. If we could find an expert – someone who knows a great deal about these beasts and can control them we may have time.”

You perk at the sudden change in tune.

“Oh! Well, we were thinking more along the lines of just getting rid of them – not controlling them but yes all the same we are looking for a solution as well. Would you care to join us? Our odds must be better together after-all.”

His expression is once again drawn back to shock, as if he hadn't expected an invitation. Considering he did hold you up at knife point you can understand but again it has been a...very trying day for you all.

“Oh, hmm well I had been ready to go this alone. But maybe it isn't a bad idea after all...you know sticking with a herd.” he smiles and you take in the refreshing warmth it brings out in his features. Nearly hides the horrible bags he holds under his eyes. Much different than the earlier smirk that seemed to be his default expression, and only seems to draw your attention to the exhaustion apparent in his eyes.

“And you seem like a useful person to know.” once again the smirk is back on his face, and you can't help but sigh at the loss of such a charming expression, “All right, I accept. Lead on.” he gives a playful bow to which you offer a polite laugh.

If these were the characters you managed to attract after such a tragedy you must truly be blessed by the stars.

Turning around, Astarion right behind, you catch Shadowheart's dour expression: seems she'll take a bit to warm up to your new companion. But you'll all need all the help you can get if you want to be freed of these brain worms. Cocking your head slightly as you catch her gaze, you try again to convey a mute conversation to her. She nods and looks away, upset but understanding of your decision to request the elf's help.

She'll be civil to ensure your success.

The three of you make your way through the sparsely forested plain. You take note that Astarion, who you'd assumed would keep a distance, has fallen in step with you, flanking your left. Perhaps it's because you hadn't left your small village much, but it's a strange feeling to have that spot occupied by someone other than Fauna. Would it be rude if you ask he not take that spot? It does seem like a natural progression on his part though as Shadowheart has taken the spot on your right.

It's just strange for you. And you can't stop the occasional glances but overtime it seems Astarion has caught on because he'll return the favor and offering a small smile. It leaves you feeling guilty about being particular about something so mundane for those who weren't raised in a set.

It's during a short rest in the party that you strike up an another conversation with Astarion. You all having found a fallen log to take a seat on, the difference between your two companions couldn't be more night and day. As Shadowheart's rigid posture and practice of taking as little space on the log as possible was countered by Astarion nearly draping himself on the log.

“Astarion, do you happen to know where we've landed? Shadowheart and I haven't the fainest clue.”

The older elf had been admiring the barren landscape, no small amount of wonder and adoration shimmering in his eyes as he takes it all in. When his gaze falls on you it is near dazed.

“ 'fraid not, I'm simply city boy. So, I can't say I've been through these parts.” He returns to gazing out to the grassy knoll, you still give a nod though he isn't looking at you anymore.

“We should head to Baldur's Gate I have someone waiting for me and I'm sure there's bound to be a contact they know in the city who can help us.” Shadowheart voices, a little of a shock as she hasn't mentioned wanting to go to Baldur's Gate before.

A slight scoff comes from the man, “Let's hope we aren't too far, or in the Fyewilds, stars only know how long we have before the change is complete.”

“This isn't the Fyewilds, they are a much denser and lusher forest.” Shadowheart cuts in.

And you nod in agree with the young woman, “Yes, unfortunately this isn't the Fyewilds – if it were I'm certain we'd be able to find a healer for this affliction. Naturally gifted healers and all.”

After that you three fall into a not uncomfortable silence as you gathered yourselves and got back on the trail.

True to his word Astarion was showing himself to be every bit of the city boy he'd proclaimed, as he gets tangled constantly on the low branches that you and Shadowheart have little trouble avoiding. You have to stop yourself from laughing when he curses at branches for snaring his clothes for the tenth time.

It's during one of these moments, waiting for Astarion to untangle a wispy tree branch from his hair and catch up to you two, that you notice movement in the plain just ahead of you.

A purple hued figure barely moving lays in wait – and it's already seen you.

“Look,” you whisper harshly, garnering the attention of both. “A downed mind flayer.”

As you take a step Shadowheart holds her arm before you, stopping your movement. “Careful, those things are dangerous even when injured.”

Sticking closer together, more a tight pod now, your party of three approaches the dying monster. You could end its life once and for all right now... … …if only you didn't feel compassion. Compassion?

The thought strikes you like a young wizard's first fireball. Uncontrolled with a lot of force riding behind it.

Compassion for this – this thing, you aren't sure you could call it a person given no evidence that it feels any sort of remorse for the lives it's effectively ended and ruined. Not if making you feel compassion towards it as it lay dying was any indicator.

You try hard to take a step away from the beast, you notice Shadowheart and Astarion attempting to do the same with similar results. None of you can move away. The mind flayer has you in its grasp. Soon your thoughts are drowned out, overrun with its will: and you hear...no more like feel the words that flood into your brain.

“You can't move, can't think...thinking is done mercifully for you. It will be a joy to serve – and to die for it an honor.”

Your face is cast in a full grimace as you realize this thing is trying to overpower your thoughts and emotions. To possess your mind and force you to love it, admire it, worship it.

A rush of anger floods your body. Perfectly timed as the creature's mind seems unable to focus itself on you.

How dare it make you feel – how dare it tell you how to feel. This thing infected you, gave you a death sentence and it expects salvation in the form of your own life. As though you fight for survival was trivial compared to its own. But you were no puppet yearning to be told to dance with a pull and tug of your strings – you were your own person. Your thoughts were yours alone and not to be twisted and manipulated into a petty illusion of freedom and will. Anger raises in you and tears dance along your water line.

You lurch as the mind flayer comes back into your head with a vengeance; a vice locking your mind into obedience. It needs sustenance to survive and with your very being you can provide.

The parts of your mind that are still yours fight with everything they have, it isn't determination nor the urge to survive. It is pure unbridled spite and rage. You are your own person, not a pawn to be toyed with an sacrificed when the need arises. You break free of its thrall with a gurgled yell.

“Argh!”

White flashes before your eyes from the force you jostled back into your mind. Haggard breaths leave your chest heaving as the few tears that had gathered spill and cascade down your cheeks.

The monster lies exhausted, defeated. Its eyes -wet, not unlike the glossiness of your own, orange pearls that radiate malice.

What nerve it has to be the one cross with you as it had any rights after invading your senses. Playing at the recesses of your mind uninvited. To be angry that you broke free of its will – what a damned child.

While normally violence in reference to your anger wasn't your preferred outlet, this was a unique...a special circumstance. Building all your negative emotions from your chest you imagined pushing all that down, down though your body and guiding it into your leg. Which you lifted high above the flayer and with all that rage and energy dropped it down as hard as you possibly could. For a moment you had the fear you'd injured your ankle, having felt a pop underneath from the force of the kick. Though it could have simply been your boot going through the monster's skull.

Blood and brain matter fly from the impact, splashing back and covering your leg and other bits of you. You do not turn to see the reactions of your companions.

A grimace paints your features as you now live with the consequences of your anger. While there is shame for the display you'd provided them, you feel no remorse for the killed creature with the shattered skull.

The tears spill and a warbled cry leaves you.

It's small but enough to spring the two elves out of their stupors. Shadowheart pipes up, “Death was too good for that monster.” she says with no shortage of venom.

Astarion nods mutely, eyes lingering on the leg of yours now covered in the remnant of the mind flayer, and you yourself are hard-pressed to disagree.

You heave out a breath and find your voice after a long pause,” True. But I'd rather it be dead then left to lure another infected over to complete its revival. Best finish it than leave it to recover.” you wipe at the viscera that had splashed up on your cheek with the edge of your sleeve.

Without consorting with your companions you restart you journey, marching forward to find supplies or a settlement. While the latter is more preferable you'll need supplies to set up a camp if you don't stumble upon civilization by nightfall. However, Shadowheart catches you by the shoulder and forces you to come back to a stop.

“Are you alright, that was a lot back there and...no offense you don't give off the killer vibe. We can rest a minute if you need to breathe.” she says it gently and in a hushed whisper as though you'll shatter at anything more.

The tears have long since stopped but your gaze still feels watery and foggy. A slow tickle of bile rises to your throat and you struggle to speak around it. A harsh swallow followed by another shuddered breath you look to her with a tired smile, “I'll be fine – just a long day,” a sarcastic chuckle falls from your lips and even you can hear how hollow and broken it sounds; a person toeing the line of a breakdown, “Nothing a bath won't fix, I'm sure.” your hand finds her on your shoulder and you give it a reassuring squeeze.

Astarion having caught up to you both once again flanks your left and in a show of theatrics agrees with you.

“Oh, now that is one thing we can most certainly agree on. A nice warm soak, perhaps some bubbles, and of course let's not forget a nice glass of wine. Sounds like a wonderful evening after all this.” he all but moans at the thought of such a mundane evening in.

The laughter that it draws out of you is much more genuine and has both your party members looking at you with ease. One narrowly avoided breakdown done with and the rest of the journey ahead.

In all fairness you weren't completely good to travel after all, which you noticed when you were shocked to find yourself face to face with a fallen caravan. Having looked as though it broke down and was simply left to rot out here.

The landscape surrounding still suggested you were in the grassland but nothing seemed familiar. A glance to the sun showed it'd been hours since you were last aware. More than a little wary at the missing time you are quick to ease as you take note of Astarion and Shadowheart walking up to your sides.

“Oh good find. Didn't notice that from the trail, maybe there's something useful here.” the she-elf says before going to inspect the vehicle.

As she passes you notice a pack on her back that hadn't been there before. Chalking it up to your missing time, you don't really question it.

“Good to have you with us once more.” Astarion says watching Shadowheart tear the caravan apart for supplies.

Not much more is said as the two of you wait for the she-elf. And it isn't long until she finds a hidden compartment that holds a small chest. She tries to open it but a lock stops her. Looking up to you both she asks, “Any one have a lock pick?”

Astarion huffs, “Hardly, but I do possess a certain skill to help us. One moment.”

He pulls a loose nail free from the caravan and kneels to the chest, placing the needle in at a slight angle his ear twitches. He rises back up before he toes the nail with the tip of his boot, aligning it so he can place a well aimed kick and the chest pops open.

You clap at the show he'd put on and he gives a small bow accepting the praise for his talents.

As his reward he lifts the small bag of holding from the chest. Useful.

“Going to share what you've found?” Shadowheart calls as Astarion inspects the contents. He delivers a flat look her way, tossing a book he's pulled from the bag.

She catches it with ease.

“Some patience wouldn't hurt you.” returning to his task, his hand raises again with bundle of cloth held in it. This time he directs the throw to you.

Clumsily you catch the bundle. And oversized pair of pants unfurl before you, along with a set of socks. You'd all but forgotten your soaked leg, but now you could feel how the cloth of your current pants clung to your leg.

Pulling another book from the bag Astarion shrugs. “Not much I'm afraid. But there's a few more pieces of clothing and a bed roll in here.”

“Ok, that puts us at two bed rolls then possibly three if someone wants to compile the clothes into one.” Shadowheart nods.

Seems you've missed the item collection, hopefully not much else happened while you weren't coherent.

“Any tents?” you ask making your way to the back of the caravan for privacy.

“Found four, took them in case of rain we have a cover.” Shadowheart calls as you switch out your pants for the fresh pair. Rolling the new waistband up so the legs don't completely cover your feet. They are bulky but will do for now.

Rounding the corner holding your soiled pants you aren't sure what to do with them. Astarion and Shadowheart are flipping through their books as you approach. Astarion looks up first, placing his book back into, now, his bag of holding.

“Oh, please don't take those. Leave them here. They won't do much good now. I doubt that stain will come out just toss them on the wagon.” he motions and steps back and away from you worried you'll request he put it in his bag to hold on to.

Looking down at your hands and the pants, “If the worm doesn't do the job, Fauna will surely kill me for this.” you sigh, but relinquish the pants to nature. “You ready to get moving? A lot of ground to cover before nightfall and we still have a few hours to spare.”

Shadowheart places her book on the caravan, Astarion stares after her cross before grabbing the book back up and placing it once more in the bag – before following after.

It was an aimless mile you'd walked before seeing a distorted purple sigil in the side of a rock. An unstable portal, without thinking you'd walked up to the malfunctioning spell curious to who caused it and why.

You approach the sigil on the stone, magic glitters and swirls from it erratically, as if malfunctioning. It looks slightly dangerous. Still you reach up to touch the sigil and are shocked – quite literally by the portal.

A snicker can be heard from Astarion, which you deserved it was an incredibly daft thing to do, touching such volatile magic. Your lucky all it did was shock you...that is until a hand pops free of the small portal suddenly, startling the lot of you.

“Uh, hello. A hand anyone?” a male voice calls from the other side of the portal.

Like the applause you gave Astarion earlier for opening the chest, albeit slower and more wary you clap for the hand's appearance. In a sense you feel vindicated by the withering sigh that leaves the she-elf behind you.

Another huff of a sigh is pulled from the portal, “Perhaps I should have been cleared. To clarify: a helping hand would be appreciated.” the hand continues to beckon you closer.

Looking over your shoulder the others seem unphased but overall unmoving and unlikely to help. You guess saving this poor magic user would be your task then.

Placing a hand over the sigil you attune yourself to its frequency, no use in you also getting stuck in a portal with no way out. You focused in on easing the chaos of the portal that you have yet to note any change in behaviors, the magic user on the other side can tell the difference and comments you.

“There we go, whatever you're doing is working wonders! Now a quick tug should do the trick.”

A little wary of getting pulled in due to your lack of strength you beckon Shadowheart over to aid you. As you grasp the arm she wraps around your waist and helps you pull out a wizard donned in a rich purple robe. He falls to the ground, thrown in between you two and Astarion; you and Shadowheart steady each other to keep from falling as well.

Once he rights himself the wizard starts off this new round of introductions, “Hello, I'm Gale of Waterdeep.” he grips your hand and shakes it firmly and roughly. “Apologies, I'm usually much better at this.”

It feel as though cotton has been stuffed into your ears. His words are muffled to you though you know he is obnoxiously projecting his voice despite there only being three of you.

Your hand is still in his grasp and his focus is still entirely set on you: unaware that Astarion stalks behind him, circling as he makes his way back to you and Shadowheart. The wizard takes no notice of the posturing and continues talking.

“Hey, I know you, don't I? Well, in a manner of speaking that it. You were on the nautiloid as well.”

You share a look with the other two and you all have furrowed brows and tight frowns but give muted nods to Gale. It's then he takes notice of the other two in the party.

“Ah, hmm funny didn't take elves for the silent type.”

“Half-elf.” you and Shadowheart chime.

“Oh, alright fair point, well then I can only imagine you three were also on the receiving end of a rather unwelcomed insertion in the ocular region.”

A shudder run through you at the replaying image of the worm's teeth before it disappeared into your eye socket.

“I'll take that as a yes. This parasite if you weren't aware – after a period of excruciating gestation it will turn us into mind flayers. Through a process referred to as ceremorphosis, which let me assure you: it is to be avoided!” he scans the party taking you all in, “None of you happen to be a cleric, by any chance? Maybe a doctor? A surgeon? Scarily accurate with a sharpened knitting needle?”

You like to chalk this up to a stress induced day for the man, you can't shake the feeling that he likes explaining concepts to people...or the sound of his own voice with the way he speaks without letting you get a word in.

Unsure of what to say or if it would even matter to the man, you remain silent. It surprises you when Shadowheart speaks up for your group, “You seem to know a lot more about our condition to know that it is out of the realm of most clerics.”

Gale takes his eyes off of you and directs his gaze over to the she-elf.

“Most, keyword, no doubt. But I find myself hoping to be in the presence of the few. You don't happen to be one of them?” he directs his attention back to you with the last question, feeling the arcane energy that is at your disposal.

Shaking your head you offer an apologetic frown, “Afraid not. I can handle most surface injuries and other basic first aid tasks but this is way out of my league.”

“Shame, no natural family gift from the Wildes then?”

The first sentence from his mouth that rang crystal clear in your ears. It sends a chill through you, who was this man and how could he tell you hailed from near the Wildes? You can feel the stares of your other companions on your back.

“Nothing that would be useful in this instance. My born gift was animal speech.”

Gale is easy to brush off the news, “No harm in asking. As we've established few can. Not exactly a common affliction as it were.” He smiles at you all, “Well, I suppose we'll need a healer and soon too.”

You force yourself not to frown as you toy with the plain black band on your middle finger. Spinning it as a pit forms in your stomach waiting for Gale to finish his thought.

“How about we lend each other a helping hand once more and look for a healer together?”

And there it is, just what you feared. He's joining the party. You spin the ring a few more times calming yourself before turning attention to the other two. Astarion's gaze is unreadable, but he offers no objections. On the other side of the coin is Shadowheart who's gaze is filled with near childish hope and she avidly shakes her head when she's caught your eye.

Swallowing the bile in your fog in your throat you make the decision.

“Th – that would be nice, we need all the help we can get.”

The large grin on his face reaches his eyes and radiates warmth but it leaves a cold pit in your stomach. Something in his way of speech unsettles you, you will tread carefully with the wizard around...perhaps it would suit you to not be so open and forthcoming on this journey.

“Most excellent. A parasite shared is a parasite halved. Or something to that effect.” he jokes.

You give a polite smile and nod, turning to the others you start to open your mouth when Gale interrupts.

“Oh! But before you think you're about to embark on a journey with a most ill-mannered man; thank you for pulling me out of that stone.” he sounds genuine.

But you'd completely forgotten that you had indeed rescued him from being trapped in a portal.

He continues his speech. “It was an act of foresighted kindness I assure you, for I have the feeling ample opportunities will present themselves for me to return the favor.

With a simple nod you try and brush off the ominous feeling he's left you with. Fiddling a little more with you ring. You do well to school your features as you turn and call for Shadowheart.

“Will you take the lead, I'll fall back for a bit.”

Concerned she steps towards you, “We can take a rest if you need, no need to push yourself.”

A thinly veiled lie, and poor timing since Gale is now part of the party and puts in his two gold pieces.

“Actually, not to be that guy, we most assuredly need to push ourselves. Once again time is very much of the essence here.”

Looking to Gale then back to Shadowheart you give her what you know are your patented puppy eyes and implore her to listen. “That's right, we need to cover as much ground by nightfall. I'm good to take up the rear, I'd just hate to be zoned out and miss something, or have someone get hurt while we have limited supplies and resources.”

Her dark pools search yours, though you know she can't disagree: you know she believes there is some life debt she owes you or something existing in a similar nature. But as it is time is too valuable to waste on another break right now. Begrudgingly she nods and starts off on the path towards the forest. Gale looks to her before facing you and offering a closed eye smile, following after the brunette.

You spin your ring as your gaze follows after him, you have a weird feeling about him. Not bad or dangerous just strange. And you aren't sure why; everything seems normal with the guy. You'll have to keep an eye on him for the time being.

So lost in your own thoughts you don't take note that Astarion has stayed back with you. He waited until both were well out of ear shot before speaking to you.

“So, we've picked up a wizard who managed to get stuck in his own portal? Hardly a promising introduction.” you jolt in surprise as he breaks you out of your thoughts. He chuckles at your reaction and offers a charming smile.

He is hardly wrong about that though, maybe that was the reason for your unease – just how much help could an incompetent wizard be? Sure he had knowledge, but aside from a few terms he'd thrown out you'd all already known most of what he'd said. Was it really beneficial to have him tag along?

“You aren't wrong...” you finally say after some deliberation, “but we also do need all the help we can get.” your eyes lower as you finally concede that point with yourself, “Besides he seems like he knows a lot on the subject.”

Astarion makes a sort of snort scoff and places a hand on your lower back gently guiding you to move and follow after the others before they get too far from sight or worse double back to find you. “I'd hardly say that. He knows about as much as we do aside from a few terms. He's well read if anything and that's not much of a help when it's left him in the same position as us. He brings nothing to the party except two more parasites – so do not allow him to bully you in such a way.”

You look up to him confused, “Bully me?”

He hums, “Oh please, those quips about your magic background and snubs to your born gift.” he glances at you from the corner of his eye glinting in a strange way from this angle. “You intimidate him, a wizard so incompetent he gets lost in his own spell. Meanwhile here you are possessing the ability to commune with beasts and save him from his own magic. You have more control in your hand.”

“...I'll keep that in mind.”

#baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate astarion #astarion x tav #astarion fic #astarion romance #astarion x reader #astarion x mc #bg3 #fanfiction #Gifted Snapdragon

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candiid-caniine · 10 months

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gender euphoria

[cw: this is NOT a detrans/misgendering kink post, but tries to subvert some of those tropes, so please treat it with caution!]

sissy kink blogs DNI

outside the bedroom, i demand respect. i own my pronouns, talk openly about genderqueerness, and flaunt androgyny.

but inside the bedroom...my relationship with gender changes. i'm transsexual in the sense that power dynamics in my sexual relationships directly influence my gender(s). what do i mean by this? i mean i want you to treat my non-conformity as a blank slate on which to project your preferred gender.

i am an "it," first and foremost. but i can be a "she," a "they," or a "he" if so inclined. i can be your butch, your femme, your fag, your twink, your femboy, whatever you want me to be.

and i'll resist. that's part of the fun of it: in day-to-day life, i'm most comfortable as an occasionally femme-leaning androgyne. that makes it fun to push back, easy to feel vulnerable, uncomfortable, and a little self-conscious (though not dysphoric) in a different presentation.

i take any pronouns, after all. so butches who love femmes, goad me into skirts, lacy lingerie, makeup, stockings, heels. watch me falter and cling to your side when we go out, feeling like i'm being stared at, unaccustomed to the kind of attention high-femmes usually get. make me show off my cleavage. call me "she" exclusively without switching. call me a good girl, call me a princess, make me suck your cock like a good little wife. force me to grow my hair out for you, yes, the undercut, too, and watch me get fussy and flustered at the unwelcome sensory input of it touching my neck. get me long acrylics, watch me fumble at everything requiring the use of my fingers; step in to help, coo over your clumsy girl - it's basically like mitting a puppy, isn't it?

if you prefer masc partners, get me a binder. watch me squirm at the compression. get me on a workout regimen to bulk up, even; spend a lot of time proving to me that no matter how fit i get, you'll always overpower me. no more cutesy hair clips, no more high-waisted jeans, or skirts, or femme-ish jewelry: make me your boyfriend. coach me into talking in a lower register. order T for me off the dark web, admire my stubble and my bottom growth. if you top, fuck me in the ass exclusively. if you bottom, get me the strap that best reflects your preferences. i'd even get top surgery, as long as you're paying~

or mix the two. make me your femboy. get me a packer, but also dresses. nitpick me over the right mix of boy-as-girly, watch me get more and more desperate to please your expectations, until at last i'm just surrendering my wardrobe to you, losing confidence in my ability to dress "properly." call me a good boy, your pretty little prince. i'm even okay with the gentle kind of goading, the presentation-shaming, calling me soft, saying i'm not dressing like a real man, if that's what you want.

or just lean in fully to the genderless thing that i want to be in the bedroom, but make it be all the time. what does an "it/its" look like? when your gender is pet, how do you present in public? well, that's up to you. maybe it's the most revealing clothes you can find, or simply the most embarrassing: underwear and pants that are a bit too small, riding up my ass and cunt constantly. shirts with slogans like "young, dumb, and full of cum" or "clown school graduate." anything that makes other people think i'm ditzy, impressionable, and silly, or don't know my own wardrobe sizes. collars, 24/7, are, of course, mandatory. maybe cuffs, too.

the whole time, watch me be unsure as my androgyny is picked apart, more and more of my core gender identity bent to your whims. watch me automatically start to seek your approval on any piece of clothing or jewelry i own. i'll start letting you speak to the hairdresser at salons, giving up any autonomy i have over my own hairstyle. you could take me to a piercer or a plastic surgeon or a tattoo artist, tell them what you want me to look like, and i'll sign the consent forms. treat my lack of gendered presentation as a clean slate, free for you to write your mark all over. make me your creature. as if i wasn't already.

#t4t nsft #t4t sub #tw: genderplay #gender play #h/d #only barks

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detransraichu · 5 months

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why did i think i was trans? how did i delude myself? it's complicated.

hiya. i'm a butch lesbian woman who was confused since i was 12 year old ish and thought i was transgender -- mostly nonbinary though with some periods where i thought i was a trans guy -- up until 2022. many factors played in that whole mess that went on in my brain and my life. i'm going to be putting it ic because it's ridiculously long :') but feel free to reply etc. i hope stories like mine can make people feel less alone in these experiences and maybe help pain like mine be prevented. i want trans people to be respected while also doing what is best for society and women's rights too.

anyway. here's my story.

to preface, my feelings about transness in general -- i do love many trans people, i saw all the good parts their community has. i still think i do believe in gender dysphoria and sometimes surgeries/hrt being required to help people be safe and happy, but i think alternate routes need to be explored and we need to push for people to unpack their internalized misogyny and homophobia BEFORE they label themselves. the mix of LGB and TQ has created a lot of infighting. with homosexuality it's behavior-driven, attraction-driven, but with being trans it's an identity thing and a disconnect in the brain, it pushes you to change your body or presentation in some way, or ask others to alter how they naturally would treat you with different terms or pronouns. i think there will be more and more detransition stories like mine, the numbers will grow bigger and bigger unless something urgently happens. bc the trans community does NOT or at least VERY RARELY tells someone to slow down the questioning of their gender identity, they do NOT ever question anything, they don't look for internalized sexism in how people describe their gender, they don't do the work to unpack that stuff in their community. and that's just straight up dangerous.

so yeah. how did i get here? honestly i think part of why i thought i was trans was bc i wanted to fit in and i saw the gender euphoria in other ppl and was like wow i want a feeling like that. and honestly in my personal case it was just me having fun doing drag and lowkey cosplaying as male characters i was obsessed with in media. and my DID added to it too bc i would sometimes dissociate and feel that part of me was male or genderless and that's not bc those parts of me were trans that's bc they are a manifestation of my traumas!!! on top of my eating disorder, dysmorphia and psychosis. i really wish ppl i talked to as a teen on tumblr hadn't jumped to "omg you hate your body? you wish you were a boy under patriarchy? you have suuuch trans vibes bestie you'll make the perfect lil softboy uwu" bc then i was extremely lonely at school and at home and just felt soooo excited at the attention i felt happy to fit in, and honestly even my "dysphoria" after that was that i looked like other trans ppl and i thought they were the coolest, i just felt deep admiration. and then i'd show pics online and ppl would hype me up just bc i identified as trans. so then it snowballed into me feeling terrified to go out bc i was scared i'd get misgendered since i was visibly afab and all my friends were trans and very toxic sjw stereotype so i saw cis people as toxic and untrustworthy and i got to write angsty posts about it that got somewhat popular which i loved bc i'm a writer and i loved to fantasize and imagine a sense of justice alongside other warriors... not unlike how i felt joining into the trans community. when deep down i knew i was being the annoying little sister trying to gain older kids's approval and trailing behind lol. the first trans person i met online was this awesome trans guy who did photography and he was a good bit older and i just wanted to look like him so bad so that he would like me. he ended up ghosting me. but i was still obsessed w him so i looked up trans stuff and fell in head first without even a questioning phase :/ which is 100% on me of course! i was just a very impulsive kid and the trans ppl around me lived in this big colorful world full of identities and drama and unconditional support... but i do wish someone had slowed me down and showed me alternate paths, the path of just being gnc.

i was also like. okay i know i'm queer but idk how, but i want to be in this community bc i'm so lonely (as a baby dyke). so i looked at the most opposite identity ever and gay trans man was the furthest away i could go from myself & my gay attraction & my body & my female masculinity. i was constantly dissociated, constantly. i was living in my yaoi fantasies lol like the "perfect" romance bc it wasn't hetero stuff which had scary power dynamics, and it also wasn't lesbian bc that hit too close to home and i'd start to have panic attacks. so i avoided those, tho sometimes i'd read fanfics w a side lesbian relationship.... but pretended to hate them and not care at all. that was actually part of me accepting my attraction to women, like moving slowly over to lesbian ships in fanfics and finally seeing what it would be like. it felt too good. so then i repressed it again or only showed my lesbian attraction when flirting with men online lol. bc of course there needed to be a voyeur, otherwise it's too real and gross and bad. tfw trauma and internalized lesbophobia.

but yeah anyway me obsessing over yaoi really made me think of boys very fondly -- always boys, never men -- and feel this deep warm happy feeling in my stomach. thinking of two boys together was total equality bc there was no woman involved, so no misogyny or weird "too real" feelings. if it had a woman i'd eventually have a total freakout bc i would keep pretending i was the guy in that scenario, which was BAD bc it made me sound like a DYKE. and boys had an actual personality (bc there very few genuine complex female characters at the time so they were all dumb or mean or bland) and they could do sooo much more than girls could so they were Better somehow. but of course if u say boys are better you're a misogynist, so i wanted to BE a boy so i could talk about how much i loved boys. and i loved boys bc i admired them. i wished i could be a "more male" version of a girl. i wanted to embody maleness so that i could create myself a better girlhood. and not even call it girlhood, so it was even cooler. i didn't want to be like the other girls, who were all loser straight boy crazy bullies. or even if there were cool girls with me, they would just annoy me (bc i was always depressed and exhausted from mental illness and untreated disabilities and it made me irritable). so yeah. boys were it. specifically boys bc men sounded almost triggering from my misogyny trauma. like men are the kind that hurt you. but boys are soft and sweet and special and harmless. they're the right kind of male person. the good ones. and they have such vivid relationships with one another and are such complex beings, unlike girls. and now that i'm a boy i'm gonna be the boy with the best morals and no toxic masculinity whatsoever, just a soft little uwu bean with a soft beautiful very typically girly flat chest, like an afab person before puberty, and no facial hair of course except for maybe a slightly lower voice and less fat (i thought it was good riddance at the time bc i was anorexic lol so that just reinforced it). i had this perfect image of myself. but it was always wavering, so i would never feel fully secure in my gender identity but i also couldn't lose my grip and question that i'm not nonbinary/trans bc then i'll have to accept that i'm an afab lesbian with a boring ass female gender. and i would have to disappoint everybody, and worst of all make them look bad for detransitioning.

but yeah.... i actually am feeling less bad abt just being a bland woman. like i don't need to be special, i can blend in and people won't hurt me bc i'm a loser like in highschool. normality and domesticity are blissful actually, like i'm Just A Girl and i'm basic af or whatever. but there's other boring, gnc girls, and they're cool but they're also in the highschool situation of being "not the kind of girl that gets asked out and family is kinda broke and not noticeably pretty and has failing grades and untreated disorders so therefore an even bigger loser." so yeah i wanted to be different. to be noticed and thought about, and go against the grain. ie, cishet normative things. usually secretly, but then at some point i came out to my family and they got transphobic but also just said gross things to me that made it so that even if i had been wobbly on my identity i now didn't trust them to talk about it so i just repressed feelings and held onto a trans identity even harder. but then i started thinking of girls a LOT and envying lesbian women. who didn't have to worry about gender stuff, and also got to be gay in a way that... suddenly i noticed could be cool too. i had never allowed myself to notice it. but then i did. and i freaked out bc i was dating someone who wasn't a woman kgdkjgk and it felt transphobic af so i just resolved myself that i MUST be trans.

i was deep in the closet lesbian-wise and my brain tricked itself bc i just wasn't ready to accept being a lesbian. i just wasn't. i've only become ready this year!! and that's around the time that my ex broke up w me (or well we both came to the conclusion that i'm a lesbian so being w them would be wrong, and that it turns out they're only into men/enbies). and then i tried to be nonbinary again bc i wanted to get back w them so bad but then i realized it just wasn't me, and i started getting comfy w gay womanhood. and i came to terms with being a single butch lesbian!!! i'm so much better now that i'm radically accepting myself. it was a LOOONG stressful upsetting journey bc i wasn't being myself. but now i am being myself. and i'm clumsy af and kinda dumb and SUUUUPER inexperienced as both a girl loving girls and also just an adult woman in general. like being an adult woman is HARD and idk what i'm doing and i'm barely scraping by and i'm so behind everyone else. but now i gotta deal with it, actually deal with my issues :/ no more internalized lesbophobia & misogyny!! society often defeminizes girls like me and takes womanhood away from marginalized women but no!!! i'm still a woman. i'm weird but i'm just a weird woman and that's fine. some girls are freaks and weirdos and something different but not the differences that were considered "cool" on leftist tumblr as whichever community is most oppressed and has the most funky flags and ultra-microlabels. and i'm sorry to say, it's embarrassing as hell. but i did fetishize transness. i did think of trans people as unironically cooler than regular non-bigoted close-minded cis people, more interesting, better morality, cooler, smarter, etc. and i wanted to make friends and trans/enby online communities were super vibrant in fandom spaces that i was in. so yup. there it is. i'm a trans faker actually, though i was super out of it during it all, i wasn't doing it consciously. i just was ignoring my true identity, being a butch lesbian woman. it's so sad that i felt the need to repress myself like this, it breaks my own heart to think about it. but i did repress myself. i was soooo cruel to myself and was bigoted towards myself. but never again. never again!!! nope sir!!!

another thing -- i think i also used having a trans/nonbinary identity as a way to have an excuse to go no-contact with my abusive family. i was told they were bigots for being vaguely supportive but confused about trans stuff and struggling with the vocabulary and sudden identity discourse, asking embarrassing questions (that i had no answers for bc i wasn’t actually trans but ofc real trans people would) when i told them i was a boy so i get to use that as a reason not to talk to them. bc otherwise they just would never leave me alone. at least that’s how i rationalized it lol. so yeah. here i am. a complete doofus, with very little bit of stubble coming out of my chin that i have to shave daily. and a slightly transmasc-typical voice. i completely blew it, i repressed being a lesbian soooo deeply even though my family wasn't even that homophobic, all things considered, so i definitely could've lived as my true self. i was just ashamed and stubborn and believed all the things in the media and from homophobes. and thought ppl would be scared of me bc the only other lesbian in school was a creep. idk. it's all so embarrassing. but there ya go.

#lay text #my journey #detrans #detransition #radfem #gender critical #ok to rb

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vampyrsutton · 1 year

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KarmaXNagisa~Corruption

Summary:

Assassin training all those years ago had really brought Nagisa out of his shell. Now, years later, the old class is fixing up their old building, and Karma can’t wait to learn just how much more he can corrupt the genderless assassin.

Ao3 Tags:

Corruption, Kinktober 2020, Riding, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Semi-Public Sex, Post-Time Skip, Inappropriate Use of Assassin Techniques, Teasing, Petnames, Akabane Karma is a Little Shit, Shiota Nagisa is a Brat, Nonbinary Shiota Nagisa

“I see someone hasn’t grown a bit since we left this place.” Karma hummed in a sing-song voice as he propped his elbow on the bluenette’s shoulder.

A disgruntled sigh left the shorter of the two. “Do you have to do that every time we see each other? I grew a centimeter!” They pouted as they looked up at the red head before breaking into a smile. “Good to see you again, Karma. It’s been what, like a week?”

Karma snickered at Nagisa’s sass. “Give or take, yeah.” He shrugged, not moving his arm from where it rested seeing as Nagisa made no move to remove it as he looked up at the old building hidden in the forest. “So we’re really fixing it up, huh?”

Nagisa turned their fond smile on the old building now, remembering the chaos they all experienced some seven years ago. “Yeah. He did a lot for us. Can’t just let it be in vain, right?”

The red head gave a vague hum in response as he stretched. “Guess we better start helping the others then, huh? I take it Terasaka and I will be doing all the higher stuff since we were the only ones to break 180 centimeters?”

“Probably,” Nagisa shrugged as they followed behind the taller. “Probably Sugaya too…Karma you’re dark aura is back.” Nagisa sighed, “You’re going to start chaos aren’t you?”

“Me? Never~” Karma snickered, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk. “Well, maybe a little. For old times sake.”

Nagisa couldn’t help but laugh. “So do you want to fill me in on whatever it is I’m about to be dragged into orrr?”

Karma turned around to walk backwards, still one for the dramatics. “Now where’s the fun in that?” He hummed with a wicked smirk as he leaned down to whisper in Nagisa’s ear. “Besides, you like when I surprise you, don’t you my little kitsune?”

Nagisa immediately flushed red as they looked around to make sure no classmates were close enough to hear as he gulped. “I-I still don’t understand why you chose that pet name.”

“Because I’ve fought against you. Viper or Python would probably be more appropriate, but those aren’t very sexy are they?”

Nagisa hid under the hat they had brought to work outside. “Those don’t fit either,” they mumbled. “Why does everyone still say that?”

Karma chuckled, “Hmm, maybe you’re right.” He moved the hat away to let his gold eye meet blue. “After all snakes can’t be tamed can they?”

Nagisa thought their face must have looked like Karma’s hair at this point. “F-foxes can be tamed?”

“They can be bred to be yeah.” Karma shrugs, rolling his eyes fondly at the other focusing on the wrong part in an attempt to change the subject. “Or you can train them. They may still bite the hand that feeds them, but that’s what you get when you try to tame something free. Though I’ve done a rather good job with you haven’t I, kitsune?”

Something changed in Nagisa’s eyes even as their blush continued to grow, but before Karma could wake whatever that was up completely, Kayano and Kataoka called them over to start working. Karma was annoyed for all of two second before he noticed that look turn almost territorial and sent daggers under Karma’s arm.

‘Ohohoho~ This might just work even better than expected~’ Karma hummed as he straightened up and turned to the two that had put themselves in charge, and acting as though he hadn’t just gotten the bluenette riled up and left him hanging.

“Coming ladies, we were just catching up is all~” Karma looked over his shoulder with another wicked smirk. “Right, Nagisa?”

He noticed the other swallow before nodding. “Yeah, just catching up.”

They gave a small smile, but Karma could still see the look had never left their eyes. ‘Oh this is going to be fun.’

All present were separated into tasks which in turn separated Karma and Nagisa. Karma ended up with who he expected and told to work on painting and trimming the trees, but every now and again he could feel eyes on him. As the day continued on, he ended up taking off his jacket from the heat and felt the eyes return full force.

‘I had planned to devour them, but why do I suddenly feel like I’m the prey now?’ Karma thought to himself as he painted a rather inappropriate shape on the wall to be painted over by an annoyed Sugaya.

“Dude! We’re not fourteen anymore! Stop painting dicks on the wall! Aren’t you a government official now?” The silver haired man glared.

Karma just smirked at the other from his five centimeter advantage. “I am. Your point? Am I not allowed to have fun anymore? I’ve been so bored lately too~.” Karma’s face turned devilish, “I think you all remember what happens when I get bored.”

Sugaya paled slightly but shrugged. “Still psychotic I see. Fine, paint all the shit you want. Whatever. Just paint over it when you’re done.”

Karma’s face returned to normal. “Really? Thank you Sugaya-kun~” He smiled, acting totally surprised that he got his way.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” The silver haired man grumbled, going off to paint another part of the building and leave Karma to his own devices.

Karma smirked when the other turned around before going back to painting normally. He continued down the hallway towards the former teachers' office before stopping when he heard a thud come from inside.

'I thought the guys went the other way?' Karma hummed, creeping up to door without a sound like how he learned back in middle school. ‘So who’s there?’

Karma grabbed a broom from next to the door before peaking inside, but finding nothing of interest at a glance until he saw an old baseball rolling around by the open window. ‘Must have gotten blown down by the wind?’ The redhead thought as he walked over to it before smiling fondly when he realized it was the Anti-Sensei baseball.

“Guess the goons missed something after all.” Karma chuckled as he picked it up. “I’m surprised it’s still holding up, but then again it hasn’t been touched in seven years. He’s his team’s ace now I think so it wasn’t a complete flop.” He hummed, tossing it up and down in his hand as he moved to head back into the hall.

He didn’t make it to the hall.

He didn’t even make it passed the door before a blur of blue entered his vision and he stumbled back before his shirt was grabbed with a leg hooked around his as he was pulled to the ground with a lap full of Nagisa. He sat there for a moment, stunned as he instinctively glanced around and realized his exits had been blocked while he was lost down memory lane.

‘They never fucking changed did they?’ Karma thought as he breathed out a laugh.

“Ah yes, thank you for the reminder why you had elite hitmen recruiting you out of middle school .” Karma laughed from where he had propped himself on his elbows. “So what can I do for you, my little Viper? Hmm, maybe that does work?”

Nagisa just smiled sweetly, making Karma wonder if he had teased too far earlier. It was Nagisa’s normal smile but he had still seen it used far too many times before somebody met their downfall, and he was in a far too vulnerable position to be comfortable seeing it now.

‘Well, shit.’ Karma sighed internally even as he kept his smirk in place.

“Aw, come on, kitsune. What’s wrong? Did someone get riled up earlier from a little teasing in their ear?”

“Hmmm,” Nagisa hummed, looking at Karma thoughtfully who did not like the look in their eyes one bit. “Maybe. But you ran off, and it took so long to get the girls to let me stop working for a bit so I was just left alone with my thoughts.” They leaned down now to whisper in Karma’s ear now. “Which we both know is never good.”

‘I planned to corrupt them, but why do I feel like I’m about to get the tables turned on me?’ Karma chuckled, blowing his warm breathe past Nagisa’s ear and watching it and the rest of their face turn red. ‘Nah, I can still control this.’

“Is that so? Tell me Nagisa,” he pulled their face by their chin to look at him, “what exactly were those thoughts about, my little Viper. Huh, yes I think I will keep using that since I currently have a snake sat in my lap.”

Nagisa’s cheeks were dark from the proximity and remembering where they were, but they still rolled their eyes at the nickname. “Why are you like this?”

“You’d be bored without me teasing you,” Karma laughed as he played with the hair by the other’s ear. “So?”

“So what?” Nagisa hummed, leaning into the touch distractedly.

“So, what were you thinking about that made you so hopelessly desperate to see me that you had to come ambush me in the teachers’ office?”

Nagisa’s face went completely red and it was obvious that whatever fire had been ignited was extinguished by their embarrassment. “W-well, I-um…”

‘Cute.’ “Words, Kitsune.”

Blue eyes closed for a second as a breathe was taken, and when they reopened the look had returned, backed by determination.

Karma felt the familiar snake curling around him as he smiled innocently. ‘I’ve dug my own grave.’

“I was just curious as to what all that talk was about taming me?” Nagisa asks with a closed eyed smile that holds a familiar and dangerous glow when they reopen. “After all,” Nagisa nudges Karma’s legs apart behind them before sliding between them. “From what I can tell, I have the fearsome demon lord Karma wrapped around my finger.”

‘This is how I die, huh?’ Karma reached out and pet the blue hair between his knees. “How do you figure that, short stuff?”

This earned him a glare and a pout before the ‘innocent’ smile returned and Karma found his fly undone without so much as a sound.

‘Shit, that never gets old.’ The redhead thought to himself as small hands made quick work of his getting his briefs out of the way and freeing his half hard cock. He had a bit of a thing for danger, okay? Sue him. You stand on the receiving end of Nagisa’s assassin stare and tell him how you’re holding up.

“Well he seems to agree,” Nagisa hummed, leaning down and leaving a kiss on the tip.

Little Karma gave an appreciative twitch as Karma stared at it blankly. ‘Traitor.’

“Well it’s a dick, they don’t complain about much,” Karma shrugs.

“But you complain all the time,” Nagisa smiles.

“Why you little- Ahmph!” Karma was cut off by Nagisa suddenly taking him whole and him covering his own mouth to muffle the surprised moan.

Nagisa looked up at him innocently and Karma didn’t know whether to laugh at Nagisa trying to look innocent with cock in their mouth or strangle them for being such a little shit. Given the things they were doing with their tongue, Karma chose the latter, chuckling lightly.

“Are you really trying to give me puppy eyes with my dick in your throOoat~ Fuck!”

What was no doubt a giggle sent vibrations down Karma’s cock and he leaned his head back with a curse. “Fuuuuck~ What happened to the shy kid from junior high who couldn’t even tell Kayano had feelings for them?”

Nagisa flattened their tongue against the underside on their way up where they let go with a pop. “I specifically remember a certain devil promising to absolutely ruin me during our first time and everytime after.” The bluenette reached into Karma’s pocket and took out his wallet where they pulled out a packet of lube before shimmying out of their own pants to not get them gross. “He’s rather persuasive.” A knowing smirk.

Karma’s mouth ran dry as he watched Nagisa resume their previous position between his legs and reach a lubed finger behind them to their hole where it disappeared. He really didn’t think he’d get this far, but god damn he wasn’t complaining.

“My my, I might have to get some pointers from this dEvil of y-yours-shit. Nagisa Shiota. The star assassin of 3E. Sucking cock as t-they finger themself open in the teacher’s office. What would our classmAtes-fuck-think? What if they come looking?” Karma smirks even as Nagisa resumes their previous actions.

A moan travels down Karma’s cock and he hisses as he throws his head back, hand gripping blue locks as he restrains himself from thrusting into the wet heat.

“Ohohoho~ Like that idea do we?” He choked down another sound at the affirmative moan. “Oh, I really have ruined you haven’t I, kitsune?”

Nagisa looks up at him with the most innocent face they can muster with a throat full of cock and three fingers deep in their own ass and moans.

“Mmahhh~ You cheeky little shit,” Karma laughed breathlessly. “I see there’s still training to be done.”

Nagisa’s look turns pleading as they fully relax their throat and stop moving their head, tapping the fingers still in their hair.

Karma gives a low groan when Nagisa’s movements stop before he catches on to what the bluenette wants him to do and his smirk turns absolutely devilish.

“Want me to fuck you’re throat, baby?” He gets another moan down his cock in response that earns a curse. “Shit, keep that up and I’m not going to make it to fucking that tight little ass of yours.”

Karma’s not sure he likes the look in Nagisa’s eyes when he says that, but continues on, pulling his cock almost all the way out of the bluenette’s mouth before thrusting back in, earning a moan from both.

They’ve done this before. Karma knows what Nagisa wants and he delivers, thrusting in as hard and fast as he can without risking damage with the occasional slow glide of the vein against the bluenette’s tongue. Their former classmates would definitely notice something up with Nagisa’s voice that wasn’t there previously, but with Nagisa hallowing his cheeks so good and moaning vibrations down his cock? Yeah, Karma couldn’t be bothered to give a fuck and knew the class analyzer obviously didn’t either if they allowed this in the first place.

“Shit, Nagisa,” Karma pants when the smaller swallows around him. “Fuck, so good.” He’s close, he knows he is but fuck it he’ll just fuck the bluenette again when they go back to probably his place later. “Shit, Nagisa I’ll get inside later. I’m gonna-”

There’s suddenly a clap of hands in front of his face and his whole body locks up as he stares in shock at the smirking imp pulling off of his apparently also stunned cock.

‘Did they just fucking stun clap me out of an orgasm?!’ Karma internally screamed as Nagisa cheekily licked some pre-cum off of his tip before standing up.

“Hey, that actually worked this time.” Nagisa’s voice was absolutely wrecked as they crouched over Karma’s lap, “Didn’t have the foresight to bite your tongue this time, huh?”

Nagisa just earned a glare in return as Karma twitched his fingers. “Huh, guess it’s less effective when the victim isn’t fearing for their life. No matter, I still have time to do this.”

Karma’s eyes shone with confusion now before rolling back slightly as Nagisa sank down onto his length, a moan leaving the mouth he couldn’t quite close yet.

“Mmmm~ shit. Big. Ahhh~ Karma~” Nagisa let out little moans as they sank further onto the red head’s cock. “So good~”

Karma could only sit there as he was essentially used as a dildo, fire burning in his golden eyes as he watched his cock slowly disappear inside the blunette.

Nagisa snickered at the look on Karma’s face as he tried to twitch his jaw enough to bite himself out of the paralysis. “Aww~ what’s wrong, little devil-ahh~” They found their prostate as they bottomed out.

Karma’s eyes squeezed shut as he was enveloped fully in Nagisa’s tight heat. ‘Fucking hell! Let me smash you cocky little!’

Nagisa smirked as they watched Karma’s struggle before lifting themselves back up to the tip and dropping back down. The choked sound that left Karma’s mouth was music to their ears as they held onto Karma’s shoulders before proceeding to ride him.

“HckAhhh~” A moan left Karma’s mouth as his head managed to slump forward. ‘Shit. Ahhh. Fuck. Yeah this works.’

As Nagisa rode them both closer to orgasm, Karma used what little neck function he currently held to lift his head just enough to slam his mouth shut on the side of his tongue like he’d done all those years before. ‘Fuck! Shit!’ Karma cursed internally as his arms dropped from their former position and blood pooled in his mouth. It hurt like a bitch but at least he had control of his body again.

Nagisa hadn’t noticed the tension leave Karma’s body as they continued to ride the red head like their life depended on it, but that just made their surprise all the better when slightly sharper than normal teeth started nipping at their neck and they let out a choked moan.

“Ahh~ No fair~! You got out! How?” Nagisa whined, even as they tilted their head to give Karma better access.

“Same way as last time, little kitsune.” Karma purred against their pulse.

Nagisa made a face. “You better not be getting blood on me.”

“I’ll clean it up. Now to pay you back for your little surprise.”

“Huh? What do you! Ah, Karma!”

Karma used his larger and stronger size to lift them both off the ground without ever pulling out before laying Nagisa back on one of the long abandoned desks. “Now, I believe I promised to ruin you everytime, right?”

Nagisa flushed red, all early bravado gone and their cock twitched at the display of strength. “W-we still have work to do, K-Karma.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll do your work since you did give that wonderful blowjob, and god do you sound so wrecked. Let’s wreck it even more shall we?” Karma smiled, face absolutely devilish.

“W-whAhhhh~ Kaaarmaaa~!”

Karma started thrusting into the bluenette ruthlessly, making the old desk creak with the force. “Thought you could just fucking stun clap me out of an orgasm without punishment did you?”

“Ahhh~ Karmaaa~ AHhhh~ SorRY There!” Nagisa seemed to have already forgotten where they were and they moaned loudly, back arching slightly when Karma found their prostate.

“Hmmm? Oh you want me to hit Here?” Karma gave their prostate another thrust and earned another load moan of affirmation before proceeding to abuse that spot.

Nagisa arched off the desk as their prostate was pounded into without pause and they moaned loudly.

‘We’re gonna have some explaining to do.’ Karma smirked as he felt his release draw near once more and could tell by the way Nagisa was squeezing him they weren’t too far either.

“Ahhhh~ Karmaaa~ Close! I-I’m close~ Mmmm!” Nagisa moaned out loudly, reaching down to stroke their neglected cock, relieved when Karma didn’t make them stop.

Karma’s eyes were closed as his rhythm stuttered and he leaned over the bluenette and bit into their shoulder as he came.

Nagisa cried out at the burst of pain that mixed with the pleasure and the knowledge that Karma’s abnormally sharp canines were definitely going to leave a mark again sent them over the edge a few strokes later.

Karma was still hovering over Nagisa as he licked at the bite mark. Both were panting heavily as they came down from their highs.

“Shit.” Karma breathed, finally standing up to look down at Nagisa. “You. Are a little shit. “

“I learned from the best” Nagisa croaked with a smile before immediately turning scarlet when they heard how destroyed they sounded.

Karma laughed now. “You’re lucky they turned on the water before we started working. Come on. Let’s get cleaned up.”

Nagisa nodded, making a move to slip off the desk before almost immediately falling to the floor as their legs tried to give out and they glared up at Karma.

Karma was cackling now. “I just teased you! You initiated this!” He snickered as he helped the smaller into their pants and lifted them over his shoulder like they weighed nothing just to piss them off further.

Nagisa was indeed pouting as they were carried to the bathroom.

#assassination classroom #karma x nagisa #karma akabane #nagisa shiota #post-time skip #kinktober #kinktober 2020

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angelsquid · 4 months

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kpop recap of 2023! ✨️

tagged by @starlostastronaut thanks 😘😘 (I really do have fun with these games and its get me so excited)

groups you started stanning?

Still don't know what stanning means even after googling it. I kind of just listen to whatever gets my attention. I didn't have the time or energy after finishing uni to get into different groups in 2023.

new ult biases?

Lee know... Now it's just Yugyeom and Lee Know battling it out for space in my head

idol(s) who got the most of your simping?

OT8 Stray Kids

Yugyeom from GOT7 (His music and fashion style just JUST OHGODIHGO)

Seonghwa from Ateez (Because of his genderless approach to fashion)

Ricky from ZB1 (Because of videos of him always serving face)

most streamed group(s)?

Stray Kids, NewJeans, 0WAVE and GOT7 <3

most streamed soloist(s)?

GOT7 solo stuff

Mostly been working through Youngjaes EP Do IT, next on the backlog is Marks Fallin', and Bambams Sour & Sweet album. I try to take my time with albums and other body of works.

top kpop song(s) of this year (opinion or streaming, you choose)

This is so hard because there was so many bangers in 2023. I'll just list the top songs not in any order

Super Shy by NewJeans

Perfect Night by LE SSERAFIM

Queencard by (G)I-DLE

Superbowl by Stray Kids

top debut this year

I didn't keep up with any debuts but the ones who caught my attention was Kiss of Life, xikers and ZB1

choreographies you learned

I'm not a dancer so I've only learnt the choruses or challenge parts. You know just in case someone plays the song randomly I gotta be prepared. I mostly just learnt the dances to entertain me and my friends during long uni work sessions. I don't remember them well nor do I dance them well. I learnt a lot and it made me a little bit more interested in learning how to dance so maybe I'll explore that this year 💃🕺

Killin' Me Good, You Calling My Name, Gum, Happily Ever After, Party O'Clock, LALALALA, Fact Check, Fast Forward, Perfect Night, Super Bowl, Love Me Like This (because of Binnie), Do Not Touch, ICKY, CAKE, Super Shy, Queencard, Fighting, S-Class, Eve, Psyche & The Bluebeard's wife, Bouncy, Easy, Do It, Fallin'

albums/merchandise you bought

This year I only bought one album and I was still broke.

It was the 5-Star Album! I pre-ordered it after seeing all the hype and I pulled Lee know focused stuff and Minsung PC inside. I got I.N as my POB but I ruined it 😭 it got damaged from my stupid PC holder

Other merch I got was from the SKZ concert back in Feb. I got the hoodie and shirt

Some lomo cards, photobooth birthday events, cupsleeve freebies and one of my besties bought me idol pokemon cards from a convention. They got me a holographic Leebit, I.N, Yugyeom and Changbin ☺️

oh and off brand skzoo lol I’ll put a photo of them somewhere.

new kpop mutuals you made?

All the mutuals I have are new as I only started using tumblr in 2023. They all have pretty blogs and I’m still a little too scared to talk to them and wont tag them in this part 🫣

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Tags for funsies @forlix @lixie-phoria

#tag games #🦑#kpop recap 2023 #heres to 2024 #hope it wasnt too revealing #🦑 thoughts

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irkimatsu · 2 months

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Thinking about my Hazbin OC before bed...

They were a hi-NRG/freestyle singer in the mid 80's - early 90's. Think Dead Or Alive, 80's Kylie, Stacey Q, Shannon... they had one or two hits in their peak before being largely forgotten outside people who are still into that style of music decades later. Their career was highly controlled, but they had fun! They had a nice voice, could have been a more "serious" artist, but they liked the club scene just fine. They stuck in there until the early-to-mid 90's, as their genre started to fade and newer, younger starlets started to move in. Their label didn't want a washed up one-hit-wonder anymore, so they were dropped, and their career halted there. The idea that they were now "too old" to have fun and had to get a "real job" freaked them out, and they went a little nuts. By the time 2000 rolled around, they were nothing more than a footnote, an 80's curiosity who released some cheesy music, disappeared from the public consciousness for a few years, then resurfaced in an alleyway overdosed on pills. The crazy lives of those 80's OHWs, man.

Their demon form is a squirrel and their outfit is reminiscent of the wild fashion they wore as a singer, but in grayscale colors. A brightened wardrobe over time could indicate character development. (Giant 80's hair?)

They party a bit when they first get to hell, but by the time they arrive at the hotel they're super reserved, trying to avoid sex, substances, any sort of vice. The others think they're a prude, but in reality they're trying to prevent themselves from another meltdown. They see how people like Angel are doing, they don't want to go back there. (They will eventually relapse a few times, and everyone is horrified to see what they become on pills. They look like they're having fun, I guess, but Jesus Christ.)

They're immensely bitter about the entertainment industry that threw them away like trash, but deep down they do miss being a performer. They liked the attention, and they loved the music. Hopefully they find a nice disco in Hell somewhere.

Maybe works for Velvette somehow?

They identified as a cis woman for the whole time they were alive, but eventually began to embrace the "genderless" label while in hell. Part of this is discomfort with the femininity that their producers pushed on them back then, but even if not for that they're simply happier considering gender as an abstract concept that's irrelevant to them.

Yes, they'll be shipped with Husk. Husk is the first one to realize, in private, that the prudish squirrel who turned up at the hotel a few months ago is a Fucking Freak in bed. This works for both of them, though if anyone besides Husk finds out then OC will sink into the floor and never come back. (Angel will find out somehow.)

Still need to name them. Project for self, find a living name that would fit an 80's Hi-NRG singer, along with a stage name they continue using in Hell because that was Them, Real Name died the instant their first hit climbed the charts, they don't know how to be Real Name anymore, they tried it in the 90's and look how that turned out.

Would it be awful if I wanted them to meet up with famous dead Hi-NRG stars. OC, Angel Dust, and Pete Burns would make an amazing power trio. Also, tasteless jokes from Pete. "Dead Or Alive? We're in hell, we know the answer now!"

#irk blubbers about nothing

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candys-mewporium · 3 months

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So I through that it may be fun to share some thoughts and ideas that I have about my universe through not-grammar checked ramblings!

It’s just a bit of a writing exercise for myself and helps me figure out the AU that I’m building here!

If this is not your cup of tea or don’t want possible spoilers, then don’t click the “read more” section. (This may be added to as a thread in the future lol)

As Far as Pokémon Parenting:

(Note: This stuff can be considered “second level canon”, which means that it can be treated as canon unless I say something different later. This is just a messy list of thoughts and are subject to change as the story develops.)

1. With wild Pokémon, mothers are usually the caretakers while the fathers may take a more distanced/absent role. This may be due to multiple reasons. Such as him having multiple mates, being busy hunting and defending their family, or just hanging around until the mom has their kid bouncing.

2. Of course there are quite a few exceptions to this rule. Some Pokémon pairs will raise their young together, like Swanna. Others may travel in a pack and everyone helps take care of the little ones. (A good example would be Bidoofs). Some Pokémon like Seadra will have the males be the primary caretakers. Dittos will also stay around for any kid that they may have sired, at least for a little while.

3. In the event that the mother is unable or unwilling to take care of a young one, then the father will raise them.

4. It is not uncommon to see Pokémon taking in and adopting orphaned or abandoned baby Pokémon. Especially if those Pokémon are new parents themselves. Their instincts will override everything else and they wouldn’t let a baby go uncared for.

5. Non-legendary genderless pokemon usually reproduce in a non-traditional way, usually asexually or with a Ditto. However, their offspring are born fully independent. Dittos have been observed staying around their kids for a bit anyways, however.

6. It is different for domesticated or caught Pokémon. As their basic needs tend to be met, the pokemon will either rely on their trainer to raise their children or will do it themselves. With both male and female pokemon taking up child rearing.

7. Same sex paired Pokémon tend to share the workload evenly as well with their children. (Usually by either adopting an abandoned egg/baby or using a ditto)

8. Yes, baby legendary/mythical Pokémon exist. It’s mainly among the smaller legendaries/mythicals such as Lugia, Latios/Latias, and the Cosmog line.

#Pokémon #pokemon #ramblings #writing ideas #oc lore #universe lore #this is just for fun #will probably be tweaked in the future #tw abandonment mentions

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iwannawritelots · 2 years

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Spooky❤️

Originally written September 2022

Masterlist

Genre: fluff

Ship(s): Beelzebub/MC

(genderless MC)

Compliments/nicknames/descriptions of MC: MC is smaller/weaker than Beel

Trigger/content warnings: Beel being a bit self-conscious, words associated with pumpkin carving that could be seen as a bit gore-y?

Headcanons/notes from the author: I got the idea from @kitsune-oji !! Thank you so much, this was so fun to write. I hope I characterized Beel okay haha.

Brief Blurb: MC and Beel carve pumpkins together.

Beel smiled with his eyes as he assisted you in setting down newspaper on the floor. He hadn’t really partaken in pumpkin carving before, so he was excited to do so. “_____, I’m happy you’re letting me help.”

You chuckled and patted his head before standing up. “Well, I don’t know why I wouldn’t.”

“My brothers would be afraid of me eating the pumpkins…”

Attempting not to frown, you told him, “That’s why we grabbed snacks. Don’t worry about that.” You went over to the table and picked up a pumpkin before bringing it over to the newspaper and setting it upon the pile. “Um… I don’t know if I can lift yours.”

Beel glanced at his pumpkin, which was on the floor next to the table. It was probably cumbersome enough for him to carry, but you could only imagine the difficulty you’d have carrying it. “Makes sense.” He got up and shuffled over to it, then picked it up and brought it over. “Now what…?”

Chuckling, you went over to the knives and found some that would properly work for the pumpkins. “We need to empty the pumpkins first.”

“Oh, yeah.” Beelzebub nodded and took a knife from you once you passed it handle-first. Before doing anything, he watched you start to slice into the pumpkin’s top and make a circle around its stem. He carefully mimicked your actions and took the top off. When you cut off the strands of pumpkin innards from the underside of the top, he did so as well. “We can eat the seeds, right?”

“We should wash them first,” you told him gently. “Otherwise you’ll taste a lot of pumpkin guts.”

Beel made a small, pleased hum at the thought of eating the seeds. “Okay…” he paused the process for a snack, picking up a granola bar and eating the entire thing before continuing to follow your lead. “Mm… pumpkin smell…” He attempted to pick out the seeds as he gutted the pumpkin. “Do you know why humans make jack-o-lanterns?”

“Uh…” You thought about it for a moment, sorting out the seeds from the pumpkins’ insides. “It started from Celtic folklore, I believe. To ward off evil spirits or something.”

Beel was quiet for a moment. “Does that mean we’ll ward off the entirety of the Devildom with these up?”

You snorted. “No, probably not. Demons aren’t inherently evil like humans think, right?”

One of the biggest smiles you’d ever seen graced Beel’s face. “Yeah.”

The two of you ensured the seeds were all in a bowl to be dealt with later, then Beel grabbed another snack. “Do you know what you want to carve?”

“Hm…” Beel stared at his pumpkin. “Well… maybe a silly face?”

You watched him eat his snack, nodding with encouragement. “That sounds good. Here’s a marker.” You handed over a permanent marker, then focused attention on your own pumpkin. He watched you draw a face on yours, then attempted to follow the same format with a sillier face. After glancing over at his, you told him, “That’s very cute.”

“Are you sure…?” Beel tilted his head a bit as he looked over his pumpkin. “I think my brothers might make fun of it.”

“Well, they can cram it.” You huffed and kissed his cheek, then began to carve your pumpkin. “Just follow your lines and it’ll look great. Even if you mess up a little bit, it’s not a huge deal. It’ll still be awesome.”

Once the two of you were done carving, you helped him set up the candles on the inside. After lighting them, you hurried to turn off the lights. Beel wiggled a little and a tiny smile spread across his face as he gazed at the pumpkins. “They’re so cool.”

“Yeah! We should sit them on the front porch!”

He nodded and the two of you hurried to sit your pumpkins together in front of the house, candles still burning. Once they were set up how you liked, you took a few pictures, including some with Beel sitting next to them. Even though he wasn’t very expressive, you could tell he was thrilled. Maybe you could make Jack-o-lanterns together every year?

reblog divider story divider

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ruthlesslistener · 2 years

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I just found your content and never considered eggnant wrym. Mayhaps thou has more content?

I really like the idea of him paying the price of The Baby Pit™ by actually bearing life. Great stuff.

Oh yeah I do, Pk getting gravid with Hornet's clutch is actually something that I like to turn over in my mind a lot because of the opportunities that it presents storywise. I just don't like to talk about it because I don't want to weird people out with what they might presume to be weird mpreg fetish shit instead of, well...an exploration of the gravity of creating new life and the responsibilities associated with that from a genderless perspective. And for someone whose crimes are repeated mass infanticide events that he only tolerated bc he was allowed to distance himself from them, putting him in a scenario where he has to *feel* the clutch develop within him instead of cssting them aside to die gives a lot of forced perspective shifting that is fun to play with. It's not even so much punishing him (well, it is) as much as it is forcing a person that wants nothing more than to be a machine in a controlled setting into a situation where they cannot deny the bloody, squishy, fleshy, messy reality that they inhabit, or the consequences that their action has upon said body/life.

But back to the gender thing. Because first off: PK is agender and from a hermaphroditic species. There IS no gender bias between those who lay and those who don't (well, apart from 'egglayers scarier' bc of the bulk and broodiness added by hormones), so that's automatically something interesting to explore in any nonhuman species. Even in a fantasy setting like Hallownest, where gender is much less important to them than to us, it still exists as a form of self-expression, thus more heavily gendered roles like ''motherhood'' still exist. Sure, there might be no preset expectation that those who lay the egg present themselves other than female, but I'd assume that a good chunk of gravid citizens are still feminine-presenting, which transgender bugs might be intensely aware of. In the terms of Herrah and PK's partnership- where Herrah is a transgender woman and PK is, well, a wyrm- this is one-sided. Herrah's not super dysphoric, but she's got enough of a longing to be the one to lay that she might be hesitant about pushing it onto PK, only to be startled by the culture clash that results from him not caring. And that's fun to explore from her end, as she grapples a bit with the slight divide between what she has to do to become a mother, what her brain thinks motherhood would be for her, and dealing with the fact that she is going to be mating with an entirely different species, with different results from what she might expect.

While on the Pale King's end, this starts off as more work to him. He views himself as a machine, with his mind the engine and his body the chassis- what is done to that machine means little to him, and he doesn't have that whole gender/body dysphoria thing going on because he's outside of it. Getting gravid is just a slightly altered function of getting someone else gravid, different tools depending on need- carrying the heir of Deepnest means exactly the same to him as siring it would. At least, in the theoretical.

In the actual, however, there's a lot more messiness involved, and that messiness is hormones. Hormones drastically alter moods, and for wyrms, a swing in hormone balances to make a breeding season successful results in physical changes as well, changes he might not have experienced since his last body. There's the extra fat storage, the craving and hunger before to create those stores, the alteration of brain chemistry to ensure that burrowing/nesting/guarding behaviors come to the forefront instead of the patrol/conquer/observe/delegate instincts during the off season, the fact that he has to live in Deepnest during his gestational period so that the Midwife can keep an eye out and nobody in Hallownest asks any questions. The Pale King is a creature of logic and habit, one who's been through many breeding cycles before, but this one would differ in instincts, reactions, and placement, so he would be thrown off guard. Then, once the eggs are fertilized, he has to contend with MORE flesh body demands, such as increased hunger, mood swings, increased exhaustion, more subtle body changes he's not accustomed to. He can't come out, breed, and then force himself back into mundane routine again- there's too much change. And without routine, pretending to be perfect and untouchable becomes a lot harder. The persona he's made for himself where he's merely a machine made to serve the kingdom no longer fits, which forces him to reflect more on life as a whole and the nature of mortality- something that he was likely avoiding like the plague during the whole Dead Baby Pit dilemma. But no, there is no waiting for the seed pods to develop enough for him to carry them down into the Abyss and then ignore until hatching, when he calls them to him to either succeed in the climb or die. Now he's heavy with the potential of life and he KNOWS that these children will be living beings with minds and feelings of their own, born to someone who has murdered hundreds of thousands of their siblings, which is something that he can't escape from, even in sleep

As for his behavior, it's also fun to consider how it might change during a gravid period, because the hormone levels he experiences are not going to be the same that he's used to. Sure, he might have gone through estrus cycles when he was still a wyrm, but my headcanon is that WL was his first breeding partner, so he likely reabsorbed anything his body developed due to a lack of fertilization (basing this off snakes, who usually only lay eggs if they are bred and/or using retained sperm). And then, of course, he and WL did not mate to produce, and when they did he had to take the siring role because of the size difference between them. So even though wyrms only have one sex, they move through different hormonal phases that are somewhat similar to our perception of separate sexes, which has a physical impact as well as a behavioral one. So PK isn't only getting a dose of pregnancy hormones that make him way hungrier and more territorial, he also is getting moved from the neutral balance of wyrm equivalent of estrogen and testosterone* he's used to into something more estrogen-heavy to aid egg development. This means he gains more weight, his scales darken, he gets a lot moodier/more territorial, etc. And this in turn fucks up that mental barrier he has against his own actions even MORE, which means that he not only devolves more into wyrm mannerisms that he considers 'savage and uncultured', he's also no longer able to suppress the instincts screaming at him to protect the nest because ALL THE OTHERS DIED and common sense does NOT allow the answer of 'I am the one who killed them' to soothe that. So that's a lot of fun, esp. since Herrah takes it a lot easier than he does, which just makes his angst cycle about losing control of himself even funnier. You wouldn't be such a disaster if you hadn't put yourself in this situation, wyrm!!

*The normal setting for a wyrm is a roughly even mix of estrogen and testosterone equivalents that allows for even development of eggs and sperm at lower fertility. During breeding seasons, hormone levels may shift based on the scent trails a wyrm is tracking so that a viable pairing is more likely to happen upon arrival, as more testosterone increases sperm count, more estrogen induces more egg drops, etc. Fluctuations can be controlled by the wyrm if they prefer one over the other, and occur less often in mated pairs, as they are likely to mate multiple times during one season instead of the usual 'fight, fuck, and get tf out' sequence unpaired wyrms would do

As for putting him through eggbinding or painful birth, that's just for the fun of the whump than anything else. One can argue that it would fit for someone who has murdered their previous young to nearly bleed out when they lay their last clutch, but in all honesty, he's already suffering enough at his own claws to begin with, so going 'cosmic punishment' for that feels stupid. I usually end up giving him larger than normal eggs bc of a miscalculation on his end to how his wyrm body was supposed to develop them, which in turn means that actually laying a developed clutch would not only be long and difficult, it would also cause some pretty heavy bleeding. Nothing worse than literally dying to be reborn, of course, and it won't kill him, but it's still an exhausting, painful battle that reminds him of the costs he's thrown in to bring about a new life for political gain. These babies aren't abstractions he offered to get what he wants- they're real. They're his flesh and blood. They aren't void constructs that he was only marginally involved in the making of, they're HIS. If he could detach himself from that reality during gestation, he can't when he's woozily trying to lick the blood off their shells so that nobody comes to eat them when he's too weak to defend them. It's another good spot to forcefully bring out the wyrm he is instead of the facade of a king he's playing pretend at, with the vague after-comfort of being able to indulge in the nesting instincts he suppressed for once (since he sure as hell ain't in the mindspace to stop it).

Plus, him being weak from bloodloss is a good way of forcing him to stay in the nest instead of scampering off. Similar again to snakes, newly laid wyrm eggs give off a scent that encourages brooding behavior and discourages stuff like eating the clutch (which is a common occurrence actually), so again! Can't run away from the reality of the situation, bitch!! You'll curl up around these eggs and you'll end up loving them and hating yourself when all but one goes dark, because there's no way for you to run away from it this time. Now curl woozily around your babies and think about the life you threw away that you didn't realize until it was too late and DEAL with it

#hollow knight #pale king #the pale king #anon #reply #i have no idea why the text is so fucked up im sorry skjhdfgb

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