#i do be isolating myself and then wondering why i always feel so lonely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neil-gaiman · 1 month

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Hi Neil.

I know you are flooded with asks and this somehow became extremely long. Too long. “Why am I suddenly telling this poor man my life story?” too long. “I think I’d rather he work on the GO3 script than read this wild beast” too long. “He’s going to think you’re criminally dangerously insane” too long. If you never get to it, I’m good with never seeing a response from you. Maybe it’s better that way? Maybe an anon would have been nice here. But, it’s 2024, so I say “we ball.” It’s a privilege to be able to send this to you at all. You get a lot to this effect and I hope they give you good feels, so maybe what’s the harm, yeah? Because this is not an ask. This is a thank you letter.

First, thanks for reblogging my therapist post, I hope it amused you. I nearly sent you “How am i supposed to explain this to my therapist?!” But refrained. At that time.

So, therapy. What is therapy really? Well…

Things have been really rotten for as long as I can remember. Bad health, bad doctors, bad relationships, bad coping mechanisms, bad all kinds of things. (Yeah, bad is a weak and unhelpful word, my therapist reminds me, but we’re doing this.)

Well, things got even more really really rotten and BAD these last few years. Health declined further, coping mechanisms declined further and more intensely, packed up my life, applied for disability, moved back in with my parents across the country.

Then 4 years ago last week I watched my fiance die of a sudden heart attack. I was 29. Two years later my best friend died. Then last summer I sauntered vaguely into a cancer scare. Not long before an operation my cat who has been my companion through so much garbage died as well. I’m not entirely in the clear on the cancer scare front. All my attempts at going back to work, volunteering, going to grad school - they collapsed on me because I couldn’t get through this STUFF.

(Sometimes when I talk about this, when I tell people, I think “they are going to think you are a raging pathological liar.” Because I’m not sure I would believe someone if they told me all of this happened to them. In such a short time period. All before they were 35. And hell if that hasn’t been isolating. You know how it sounds? Lonely. And it is.)

I did the hypervigilant and sensation/experience chasing stage of PTSD. It got me in a lot of trouble in all kinds of ways. I had to do a lot of medical and psych advocating because things kept getting worse. That was exhausting. Then that peaked. I went into the thick of the “I feel absolutely nothing” stage for a long time. I didn’t feel fatigue or hunger or thirst. Not people, feelings, a reason. Not hope.

But of course, like seems be for a lot of us, I somehow found Good Omens at just the right time. I was a very “I’m so cool and intellectual I mostly consume non-fiction media” person for too long. Like, what? How is that even a real thing? And it wasn’t real. It was just part of this curated autism mask that I don’t think anyone really bought anyway.

I think I got to a point where I’d just had too much reality. I needed fantasy. I didn’t realize I always needed it. But I denied myself for too many odd and painful reasons. Maybe I thought it was an escape I didn’t deserve.

But as it turns out, it wasn’t an escape. I watched both seasons last fall, and then this light came on. I watched it again and again.

I came to tumblr because I needed more. I found this fandom. I stepped into this beautiful world of fanart and fanfiction and brain flexing meta writing and a sense of community and wonder that you and Terry created - that everyone involved in the show inflated - exploded in the right way - like fireworks if fireworks were some kind of autocatalytic reaction - a self perpetuating force.

It’s not a “saved my life” feeling. Not a “getting my life back” feeling. It’s been a “maybe it’s time for you to have the life you’ve always been denied - that you’ve denied yourself” feeling.

I’m creating. I’m not “great” yet. Not terribly “good” at all. Maybe “behind” as far as the “proper” timeline for starting. I know there isn’t one, not really, but boy does that society machine make ya feel like there is. And sure, I started and stopped a lot in the past. But the second it got hard I always gave up. I felt like if I didn’t get it “right” to begin with, then I just didn’t have it in me at all. But for once I’m really in it. I’m writing and trying to draw things that look less like fever dream five year old drawings. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those, is there? 🙃) I’m eating better. I’m sleeping better. I reach out to old friends more. I’ve made new friends who share this love of Good Omens.

My therapist has been floored by the change in me. After that first funny mini flop, he has been so encouraging about it. I saw him this week and I said “Maybe this is helping me get prepared to start living again. Maybe it’s a springboard.” And he honest to god said “But You ARE living. This is YOU LIVING. Why does it have to be a springboard? Why do you have to turn this into ‘work?’ Just let yourself have this for once in your life.”

But there were two more added elements that made it all work. And I can’t help but think this whole brainrot thing wouldn’t have happened without them. So many things just happened all at just the right time - a proper coincidence.

In all of the madness of the last few years I finally got the memo that I'm autistic. i figured I was for a while. But it finally sunk in for me and my docs and my people. So I’d been working on unpacking that. Grieving the life that could have been entirely different, shedding the mask. I let myself hyperfixate openly instead of hiding it and hating myself for “spiralling” or “obsessing” like others -!like ‘I’ always punished myself for before we knew that it was a trait and not a personality flaw.

Then over the last few months my therapist and I started trying this new exercise. One session he stopped me and said “in the last 20 minutes you have responded to what I’ve said with 9 ‘I knows.’” My response to that? “Ugh, I know.” So we started this “I know” swear jar type situation. Really, I’ve been afraid of not knowing. I couldn’t let myself “not know.” Because it meant I was “dumb.” I was just drowning for so long in guilt and self loathing for the “I knew better and screwed up anyway.” Or “I should’ve known better - I should know that by now.”

As it turns out, there’s a lot of things I don’t know. That I didn’t know. Things I will never know. And refusing to admit all of that kept me from learning a damn thing. Kept me from asking questions. Kept me from trying new things because it was scary to do something new - something unknown - and I "knew" how it would all turn out anyway. Kept me from connecting with people because it was painful or embarrassing when they knew things I didn’t and it seemed like I already should have. Kept me from getting better at making art, music, writing. Kept me from forgiving myself. Kept me from growing. And kept me from moving forward. Maybe not on. I don’t know if we ever “move on” from things. But we can move forward as we carry them. And as we do, the weight gets less. We’re able to carry it better. But only if we can admit that we don’t know how. Only if we don’t treat ourselves like this is something we do know or should know and we’re just failing because we’re less than. Not good enough. Not strong enough. Not deserving. We have to be able to say “I don’t know how to do this.” And then we can start looking for the answers. We can ask. We can learn.

I thought about the apple. Being able to tell the difference between good and evil. Aziraphale’s years and years of watching what he “knows” to be true be proven wrong. Crowley’s need to ask questions…

The simple and enormous gift of “Knowledge.” The “Knowledge” of the difference between Good and Evil. The “Knowledge” that can only be gained by realizing, accepting, admitting that there are things we don’t know. Asking the questions. Sometimes we get answers we don’t like. Sometimes the consequences of asking hurt us. And unless you want to stay in that painful place that painful knowledge got you, well, you’ve got to let yourself learn how to get out.

So all of this good? I never expected this. I never thought I deserved it. Joy and belonging and this sense that “Yeah, maybe things can get better. Maybe things can be good.” Because I said those things, not truly believing them, to the people I thought needed to hear it. But it couldn’t save them. It was hollow. The proof for us wasn’t really in our orbit or on our radar at the time. And now they’re gone.

People always say “it’s never too late.”

One of the people I lost said “it’s later than you think.”

I jokingly would respond “it’s already too late.”

It was for him in the end. For them. For some people I guess it really is. But maybe a lot of the “too late” people are there because they think “they know” that things will never be good for them. So they stop looking, they stop asking, stop finding. And eventually they just stop.

Then there came Crowley’s “It’s always too late.” The first time I heard it I thought “For sure, Crowley-cakes, I KNOW.”

But then…I just needed to rewatch the whole thing. And lines like that…familiar things…familiar themes…I was suddenly identifying with these characters. I suddenly saw myself. And the realization hit - I connected with something! Something new. And I FELT THAT. And that tiny little crack that made in the wall was just enough to start breaking it down. Yeah, when you start letting yourself feel after not feeling for so long, opening up to the good feelings means opening up to feelings and then the bad ones come out too. But when there IS good … it helps you balance. You can deal with the bad a little better because you’ve got the good thing to lean against when it gets too much. And now you’ve got feelings. You’ve got good and bad. You’ve got sticky foggy grey. You’ve got life.

Whew.

So, TLDR, thank you. From the bottom of my slowly healing heart, thank you.

And to sign off with some shits and giggles… I couldn’t find this in existence as a sticker so I had to custom order. Perhaps this will spread misery and panic among the humans of my city - or at least a malignant and creepy sense of unease.

Or maybe they’ll say “wtf” and go home and google it and they’ll fall into the Good Omens hole they never knew they needed too.

Thank you for this. I never quite know what to say to messages like this apart from I am really glad that it helps. (It becomes the weird extra piece that I worry about when writing season 3 -- hoping that it will be that thing again. Not just a story, but something that helps people feel and helps with healing and helps with love.)

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a-doubleh-x · 2 months

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Why I like Charlastor

The other day I noticed there was some negativity in the Charlastor tag, including antis and people feeling the need to defend against antis, so I thought I might as well take a step back and just write candidly about why I like the ship.

I only got into Hazbin in October of last year, but already it has inspired me a lot to write and fantazise about it. Like most people, I started with the classic "they look cute together", but as I kept looking I couldn't help but think there was something else to these two than first met the eye.

For starters, I love Pollyanas! I think they get a bad rep for being naive, but I just appreciate an optimist like Charlie who just wants to make people around her happy because it makes her happy. I also like bad boys 😳 I'm a pretty heteronormative guy, so I haven't had a big chance to explore that part of myself yet, but I do like the danger and excitement someone like Alastor brings to the table.

I will admit when I started writing Charlastor I felt like I was handling dynomite. It's a lil scary to ship a boundless altruist with a manipulative sociopath, but bear with me.

I think each of them has something the other needs. I think Charlie needs someone to challenge her, someone to steer her in the right direction while she's mostly isolated. At the start of the series, practically nobody but Vaggie takes her seriously, and Alastor is no exception. He mocks her, teases her, but she still listens and I think it's because somewhere deep down she understands there's something he's trting to communicate in his annoying, but curious way.

Of course, I also love the fanon Charlie who's down bad for Alastor, and even if that Charlie is a little naive, I think it's also sweet and she can use some indulgence while most people treat her like a child.

On the other hand, when it comes to Alastor, this is a bit of a theory on my part, but I think he's secretely lonely. He has friends, certainly, like Rosie and Mimzy, but they're not good enough friends to live together with him. They don't seem to be able to save him from "pure, absolute boredom". But Charlie, for some reason can, even though she's a stranger at the beginning when Alastor chooses to move into the Hotel.

Alastor is not as much of a cynic as someone who chooses to see things in a perspective that benefits him. He doesn't think redeeming sinner is "hopeless", but "hilarious" instead, which has interesting implications to me. That's why he chooses to hover around Charlie, not because he thinks she's lame, rather because he thinks she's silly. She makes him laugh. Which I think is kind of how Alastor sees "love".

And then you have fanon Alastor who, depending on the writer, is either a horny animal, a wisecrack edgelord or a soft boy who's mean to everyone but Charlie XD I like several of those interpretations, but I kinda prefer mine just out of personal taste. I think the best part about Alastor is that he doesn't *care* what anyone thinks of him and always does what he wants, even at the expense of other people, which I find pretty enviable.

They're kinda both outcasts in their own ways. Charlie by being unable to fit in and Alastor being unwilling to compromise. But they don't judge each other. He supports her in his own weird way and she houses him and is delighted of him in general, which is tasty food for his ego. I do wonder why Alastor is interested in Charlie, both in canon and in a fandom vacuum.

There's some cool potential for drama there, but also growth and healing, in my opinion. Personally, I think Alastor doesn't want to actually *hurt* Charlie, but he may hurt those around her, which will be a moment to start settling compromises if Charlie puts her foot down.

That haz bin my review so far! I'm honestly pretty grateful for Vivziepop for all of the work she's done so far, I know directing, animating and writing two shows over the course of 5 year or so ain't easy. I'm also grateful to the fandom who shares their thoughts and vision, which calms the terrible voices I started hearing in my head since I bought this weird old radio.

I'm in the middle of a break, but if you're interested in my fanfics I'll get back to writing very soon. Cheers! 🌈❤🦌

#hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #alastor hazbin hotel #charlastor

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i-got-da-rubes · 1 year

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I am very, very interested in Leo’s dynamic with his brothers in TMNT: Mutant Mayhem. Specifically, that first scene with the watermelon. In previous versions, Leo has fit in easily with his brothers, and with the exception of Rise, was always the most responsible and serious of the turtles. This hasn’t usually been an issue, and though it’s caused tensions in the 2012 show, he’s always had fun with them.

He’s in the background, drawn into himself. He seems like he wants to join in the fun but doesn’t know how. He feels isolated, he’s lonely. Keep in mind that this is how I’m reading his body language based on past experience.

Look at this scene as Raph throws the star at Miley. His shoulders are hunched up, and he’s sitting on his hands. He’s trying to hide, to make himself as small as possible. This is a pose I struck many times when I was in elementary school, the worst time of my life. I sat on my hands, that I remember vividly. I wanted to disappear into myself, to curl up until I was so small I stopped existing and didn’t have to exist anymore. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but I do feel that he is anxious and trying to hide.

And he IS anxious. He’s very quickly demonstrated to worry more than he has in past iterations. He seems to struggle to place authority over the others, to make them care about things as much as he does. This reminds me of Raph is Rise, his struggle in the movie to keep Leo responsible and under control. It’s interesting.

And let’s look at that isolation aspect again. In this frame, Donnie and Mikey are looking at the video of Raph slicing a watermelon in half. Leo is several paces behind them, his head upturned like he’s trying to see the video. He’s hesitant, demonstrating something akin to social anxiety. A desperation to fit in, have fun, and interact with others, but unsure of how to.

Then at the next frame, it’s clear several second have passed. Leo isn’t standing on Donnie’s left side like he looked like he wanted to. Instead, Raph is there. Donnie and Mikey don’t seem to have noticed. Then, on the next frame, he’s leaning against a wall behind Donnie looking frustrated. His arms are crossed and he’s looking around like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I see this having occurred in one of two ways:

One: Raph doesn’t notice how bad Leo wanted to join them, because he simply doesn’t care to notice. Leo isn’t exactly part of the group, so it feels natural for the other three to huddle around a phone and not notice that there’s no space for Leo

Two: Raph did it on purpose. He sees that Leo wants to join Don and Mikey, and he takes the spot to purposefully isolate Leo. Maybe he even smirks back at Leo before suggesting the ninja stars, effectively distracting Don and Mikey and severing Leo from the activity. I don’t have an exact reason for why he would do this, but considering past versions of Raph, it seems possible.

Please be aware that these are my personal observations and predictions. Nothing in the movie is quite solid yet, and I think that’s a good thing. Please give me any counter arguments or theories you have.

Cannot wait for this movie!!! Have a wonderful day.

#rottmnt #tmnt 12 #tmnt #tmnt leonardo #tmnt theory #tmntmm #tmnt mutant mayhem #tmnt: mutant mayhem #mutant mayhem #tmnt Leo #turtles #rubes nonsense

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papermint-airplane · 2 months

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Ngl besties depression is kicking my ass rn. I'm gonna whine a little bit under the cut so nobody has to see this, I just need to get it off my chest.

* I am experiencing the worst eczema flare up of my entire life. I have rashes all over my body: chin, lips, neck, wrists, backside, labia, scalp, and feet. They're swelling and causing so much pain. Sometimes when I move, my skin rips open and bleeds. I am basically covered in open wounds right now.

* I keep having dreams about my abusers (parents). I know this is stemming from the Christmas card they sent me in December. I never gave my parents my address when I moved but my mother cyberstalked me to find it and then sent me a letter to gloat about how she did it immediately after. She's been sending me unsolicited things in the mail ever since. I never reply but she never stops. I literally havd left that Christmas card in the mailbox since December because I don't even want to touch anything she's touched but I accidentally brought it into my car the other day and I feel like my space has been invaded. I don't know what to do about it.

* Work is horrible and getting worse by the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for being a horrible child like I was always told I was. Like maybe I'm already dead and this is my personal Hell which is why I'll never be allowed to leave.

* I am exhausted all the time. I have so many things I want to do but I pass out the second I get home and don't wake up till it's time to get ready for work again. I can't even play my game. And it doesn't matter how much I sleep, I never get any less exhausted.

* I'm lonely but all I want to do is isolate myself. I wonder if anyone will notice if I do.

* I want to update my story but I feel like nobody really gives a shit about it. I got 3 times more notes when I posted a zero effort picture of a Sim dog than I do on story posts I work on for hours. I feel like just giving up. Nobody will ever want to read my shit. Nobody cares about my OCs. I am fundamentally untalented and uncreative.

* I want to cry but if I do, I won't stop for hours, and I just don't have the energy

* My therapist is on vacation this week so I just have to carry this around with me until next Monday.

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mattodore · 29 days

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hiii! I hope this question doesn't come off as bad or "ill-intent" or as too personal... Im just asking out of curiosity,

What's AVPD like for you? I don't have it, but I see you mention it a lot in your tags and stuff and was wondering what it's like... A Google search doesn't necessarily help my curiosity much since it's a general definition and all disorders are and can be incredibly situational.

Thank you River in advance if you do end up answering this!

um... how to describe it... i seriously don't know a single other person who has it so it's incredibly isolating to feel so alone in that way while having a disorder that is quite literally The Isolation Disorder. there are some crossovers with other disorders for sureee, like i know my ocd and panic disorder (+ agoraphobia i thankfully moved past in my early twenties) are tied to it and only developed after the avpd got really bad when i was in my mid-teens.

for me, my problems are mostly around connections with myself (like, with myself) and others and having trouble forming them even though i want them desperately. i don't like being seen or looked at. i think about what people think about me all the time. i have to be approached first so i know that the person interacting with me already wants to be, otherwise approaching first makes me feel like i'm invading this space where i'm not invited. i'm incredibly sensitive to the slightest change in tone in conversation and if someone seems like they've lost interest in me i'm out of there. if someone doesn't show the same interest—or more interest, really—in me that i show to them then i disconnect and draw back. i have a very hard time talking to people one-on-one in private settings—hence why dms and things like discord are, like... the worst to me unless i'm being very actively sought out for conversation and then that unease settles a little. private conversations are stressful and i always feel like i'm saying the wrong thing. i'm extremely harsh with myself in all aspects. talking wears me out, because it always feels like a performance—including when i'm just doing something like this and answering an ask. it's not that i don't want to talk—i just feel like no one actually wants to listen or hear me. um. and it's this feeling of... what if i don't do it right? and what if people realize i'm just not right myself and that there's something wrong with me. feelings of inadequacy, of course. alwaysss with the inadequacy, like, it's fucking exhausting. i feel exhausting to talk to. it's not like i talk about my super depressing feelings all the time, like, it's not exhausting in that regard—it's that i'm not interesting and people don't want to talk to me when they could be talking to literally anyone else... um. so, yeah... the inadequacy. even posting on this blog, like, even just reblogging a post stresses me out sometimes. i just always feel like i have to keep up this image of myself or everyone will lose interest or think i'm pathetic (yikes !). i don't like talking about the way i really feel about anything because that invites personal judgment. i'm embarrassed about everything. my whole life. this narrow existence that i inhabit because of the avpd and the way it's made me shrink.

my biggest thing is that i isolate. all the time. sometimes it's for a few days, or weeks, or months (the worst was six months...). it's not just from people—i isolate from everything. i pull away from people and my hobbies and my interests and i spiral. there are a lot of very bad thoughts i have when i isolate and i'm better at handling it now but when i was a teenager it was really bad. it's like... it's suffocating. i can't think about relationships without crying sometimes. um... it's just very lonely. i've only ever had two real friends my whole life—one of which i'd only had for two-and-a-half years before my disorder fucked me up and i got too sensitive about something they were saying about me and fled. i can't form connections and i'm not a good friend. i'm not saying that lightly—i can't keep in constant contact and i can't open up very well and i am overly sensitive to everything. it's the worst. it's ruined my life.

this is why i don't talk about it lmaooo uhhhh. it's the worst of my little mental health issues or whatever that i have because it's effected my whole life and no one in my life understands it and i don't know anyone else like me. it's just... yeah. it's just very lonely.

#river dipping #asks #anonymous #cw negative #<- just in case lmao #i'm not very talkative abt what it's like bc . the nature of the disorder . . . makes me feel incredibly embarrassed and pathetic #abt like... voicing any feelings lmao uhhh.#but there are tags you can go through like ''actuallyavoidant'' and ''actuallyavpd'' to see what other ppl w/ it say abt it #it's not social anxiety btw... that's very different #the isolation is so bad i pulled out of public school for online as a teenager and i narrowed my life down to my family and no one else #avpd in general is just.#well.#it ruins your life idk what else to say #i'm not like. anxious about social situations or public speaking or whatever #i can talk to strangers just fine and without fear #like... it's very different #it's my whole life #and it's like... it's hating yourself. like truly. at the core of yourself... um... and just being embarrassed about who you are #yk.................................. the normal stuff 😁

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ripeteeth · 3 months

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Writing Patterns

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there’s a pattern! Tagged by @perverse-idyll, thanks for tagging me! This is really interesting, especially as I’ve been playing with my writing style and changing it up lately.

1. “A long cloak of night has fallen across the bed.” [Milk Teeth, MDZS, Jiang Yanli/Jiang Cheng. If I’m ENTIRELY honest, this is an inside joke with myself, as an old livejournal friend once described Snape by saying “pick up your long cloak of darkness and get to therapy”, which is a statement I think describes Jiang Cheng quite well.

2. “The trouble with stories is that they don’t always line up quite right.” [Over My Dead Body, MDZS, Wangxian, WIP. I like to bullshit about storytelling and story structure. There’s something fascinating about the interplay of author and reader, and of reminding the reader that they are sitting down to a story. There’s a special charm when the author editorializes and goes off on tangents - such as Victor Hugo in Les Mis - and while I am no Victor Hugo, it IS extremely fun to do.]

3. “‘Please,’ you say, and he likes it when you say it.” [empty, save you and i, Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley. I just love the cadence of this and the way it establishes the close, confessional second person POV.]

4. “Naked, wrapped in silk, and turned away on his side.” [say it like you mean it (with your fists for once), Kinnporsche, Gun/Vegas. Does the lyric “why is the bedroom so cold / you’ve turned away on your side” from Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart haunt you like it does me? I like how this established the feeling of isolation and loneliness.]

5. “This is how it goes.” [Zoetrope, MDZS, songxuexiao. Again with the storytelling.]

6. “The day he meets them is a red-sky day.” [blood, bones, and butter, MDZS, songxuexiao. Red sky at warning, sailors take warning! How else should you introduce my babygirl Xue Yang? I’m realizing a lot of my lines have tucked-in references, allusions, and inside jokes with myself.]

7. “Spring is pale in Revachol.” [Revachol Calling, Disco Elysium, Harry/Kim, WIP. Honestly, I don’t like this line and if I ever rewrite it, I hope to have something that fits better. This doesn’t grab in the way a DE fic should grab the reader. God, this WIP haunts me. Someday I WILL finish it, but it’s been three years since I’ve played the game and I absolutely need to play it again to get a feel for the voices.]

8. “The walk home is lonely.” [long slow love song, TGCF, fengqing, WIP. I really like short first sentences, huh? I suppose this is just brief scene-setting. Mu Qing seems like a guy who takes a lot to open up, so a short opening line suits him.]

9. “He wonders how he’ll die.” [impact, Beyond Evil, lee dongsik/han juwon. I’m proud of this one. I feel like this sets the tone and grabs attention. It’s just a short fic inspired by J.G. Ballard’s Crash, so I can’t think of a better way to begin.]

10. “When Kinn had been a boy, he’d had an old tomcat that liked to sleep in his bed.” [shotgunning, Kinnporsche, vegas/kinn/porsche, WIP. Introduces this as a Kinn character piece.]

Bonus from unposted Frankensmut: “One should not travel these woods alone; the Wild Hunt is strong here, and all are prey.” [Introduction to Natural Philosophy, Frankenstein, The Creature/Victor Frankenstein, WIP. An opening line that promises you that the hunter WILL get his prey. I promise you this.]

What I’m really learning here is that 1. I need to work on finishing my goddamn wips, and 2. wow I really rely on passive voice to open. Huh. Are there any other patterns? Maybe some authorial direction to remind the reader of the story structure. I’ve also got a bit of a penchant for short opening sentences followed by paragraphs that either elaborate on it or negate it, usually heavier in length and description as a counterbalance. Like adding acid to balance fat or sugar. Truthfully, I’ve kinda grown bored with my typical writing style, which is partly why I haven’t posted much fic lately. Art is all about pushing yourself and trying new things and innovating. I’m dead sick of writing present-tense third person limited and am vibing with first and second-person POV, which aren’t fan favorites for fic. I’d also LOVE to try something much more zoomed out, like omniscient third-person.

This was fun! Tagging @brawlite-archive, @iodhadh, @jaggededges123, @rcmclachlan, @weatheredlaw, and @darcylindbergh if you’re vibing, and anyone else who’s interested!

#bro i really gotta sit and write #i’m going to a writer’s retreat cabin this weekend so maybe i’ll get y’all a little frankensmut ficlet #or some sexy sexy miserable salieri thirst

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malicious-vampire · 4 months

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(Since Tumblr decided to make it impossible to edit an ask that's been saved as a draft, I'm forced to cite it here)

@schizocadaver asked:

"I'll place this as an ask rather than just going straight into messaging you as it feels most correct to me. I've been suspecting for a while that I might have szpd and possibly npd so I was wondering if you might be able to share on your experience of having both and what that's like"

Hello and thanks for the ask! This is a lot since these PDs affect my whole life in various aspects, so I'll try to break it down to the most obvious things, or those that I deem most important. NPD and SZPD complement one another quite well, though there are also some huge difficulties.

For a start, I take incredible pride in my solitude. I prefer spending my time alone and turn to activities I can do on my own, because I hold the core belief that most other people are beneath me and not worth my time or energy. It's also a lot easier to feel godlike and untouchable when you're not perveived by anyone other than yourself - which can also become a problem once I go outside and have to deal with the fact that I can make mistakes and that other people will take notice of that.

I'm a misanthrope and I don't trust anyone. While I do have a few close friends who I care about, I cannot spend more than a few hours at once with them or I'll get annoyed by their presence. Strangers usually disgust me, so it's hard to make any new acquaintances. I do have a perfect pokerface and though people always describe me as friendly and empathetic, I can't form any real emotional connections to anyone. It's like a thin veil or a pane of glass between me and others. Because of that, I never share much about myself. I hate intimacy, both physically and psychologically. Even my closest friends who I've known for years only know me on a surface-level, and sometimes it feels lonely to have no one who truly sees me. It's bittersweet.

On the upside, I can get along really well on my own. I don't want to be around people all the time and I have enough hobbies to keep myself busy and productive without having to rely on anyone else. On the downside, I quickly get bored. Humans require at least a little bit of socializing to function properly, so it's impossible to be truly alone and happy all the time. Therefore I occasionally get a sudden and brief craving for attention, which is difficult to get in that moment when one spends most of their time alone. Then I turn to reckless (sometimes self-harming) behavior or I start spiraling and drown in self-pity, which leads to more isolation and more depression (narc crash). I'm currently working against that by trying to establish a schedule where I get to meet my friends 0.5-1x a week to have enough outside-supply but still primarily inside-supply (e.g. making art and music, studying and turning to other solitary activities).

Part of the reason why social encounters are so exhausting for me is that I mask heavily, even around my family. I intentionally crafted my mask to fit every situation I'm in and I constantly try to adjust it by observing other people's behaviors and matching my emotional reactions (I've heard people describe my personality and it differed a lot depending on the social group, and often wasn't even close to who I actually am). So at least half of my daily energy is wasted on performance.

Additionally, my most present emotions are anger and hate. Since I think very highly of myself, I get offended easily and rarely forgive anyone. This includes myself - if I make a mistake or fail at something, it feels like my chest is about to burst from rage, and it's difficult to calm down. I've been fantasizing about torturing and murdering people on a daily basis for years, partly as an outlet for anger and partly just for fun.

I automatically hide most of my emotions to the point where I'm unable to express happiness or surprise the way neurotypicals do. In general, I rather enjoy thinking rationally and despise emotional reactions as they never really help solving a problem. I may seem cold and apathetic when unmasked, and I often get confused trying to identify my own emotions.

That's all I could think of for now. Spending a lot of time alone gave me the chance to do a great amount of self-reflection, which isn't always nice as I tend to overanalyse everything, but it helps to get a better understanding of myself and my relationship to others.

I hope this small insight helps - Let me know if something's not clear or if you have any other follow-up questions!

#ask #schizoid #szpd #npd #actually npd #schizoid personality disorder #narcissistic personality disorder

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lumiereandcogsworth · 7 months

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22, 24, 40. I think I know the answer to number 1 but I'll ask that too because I know how much you like to write about them 😆

1. who is/are your comfort character(s)? oh golly my friend you spoil me!!!!! hehehe. well of course my comfort characters are adam and belle. and honestly i would include belle’s father maurice as well because i go through those periods of time where i am just fully only thinking about him. it’s like adam and belle go on some fancy little trip or something and my brain just stays home and latches onto maurice while they’re away LMAO. maurice is just so sweet and carries so much trauma and guilt in him and i love exploring it. how wonderful his time was with maria and then how quickly it was all snatched away from him… him raising his daughter all on his own and just DEALING with life. AGH. i love that guy.

but anyway, adam is definitely number one. i connect to him in so many ways (even beyond my own understanding) and i just. love him so much. like he’s just in my HEAD. 90% of my fics are just accidentally from his perspective. like i try to keep it neutral between the two of them but it always ends up being more in his head than belle’s. adam’s my homeboy he’s my lad he’s my sweet cheese!!! i’m endlessly defensive of him to the rest of the world and constantly proud of him in his own. his growth and learning to trust the goodness in his life, after all the shittiness he’s experienced, it’s just So Good.

i also love belle so so so much!!! SO MUCH!!! i just posted a character study about her becoming a queen and wife and mother when she never remotely imagined she’d get to be those things and just like. exploring her thoughts on it. and it was really fun!! i DO have big thoughts about her!! i also connect to her A LOT, she’s such a wonderful character and i hope to continue exploring her. she’s brilliant and kind but she’s also got this thorny sadness to her that makes it even more compelling. she’s not as perfect as adam thinks she is. that’s why they need each other so much! they’re both hurt from their pasts, from being isolated and feeling like no one in the world understood them, and now they have each other and it’s just!!!! AHHH.

22. what type of person are you? oh man i definitely don’t have the self-awareness to answer that. i’m… hopefully good? i think i’m very loyal… maybe funny sometimes? i don’t like socializing at all (it’s the autism) so i am probably something of a loner. though i also feel quite lonely at times. feel like no one understands me but that’s no one’s fault, i just don’t understand myself. hm. anyway i’ll move on before this turns into a therapy session.

24. if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? i think we’d be eating some sort of fast food and maybe a movie would be playing on a laptop. we’d have blankets on and our laughter from the movie would echo out to the rest of the cityscape.

40. did you have any snacks today? well not yet i just woke up!! last night though i ate some cheese puffs which are among my absolute favorite snacks <3

weird asks!

#thank you!!!! eeeeee!!!!#thavron #answered

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welivetodream · 8 months

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Crippling loneliness in the age of the internet:

"Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

~Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart (1999)

Let me set the scene:

In a dark room, the only light is coming from the phone of a girl laying on the bed, as she mindlessly scrolls for hours on end. She is typing fast, she is running multiple apps in the background, she is listening to the latest hits while doing all of this, her earphones never leave her ears; even when she closes her eyes, she is still listening to a podcast. Despite all these activities happening around her. The girl looks bored and apathetic, her eyes are blank, no emotions, no thoughts. And for hours to come she stays in that state, waiting for something to happen, even if it doesn't, she doesn't care.

This could be the opening lines of a sci-fi novel but this is actually how I act when I am alone. This is how my life has become. And while people like to blame this on the internet that has made Gen Z mindless zombies; I think the only reason I haven't died is because of the internet. To normal people it's a curse that makes humanity fall to its lowest. To me it gave a purpose, a want and a direction to live for.

The Internet isn't the evil mastermind to me, it's a necessity that has kept me alive and not succumbing to the fact I have no one to talk with.

Internet to me isn't Instagram, Snapchat, Discord,Twi--X (someone stop Elon Musk from cooking), it's the "quirky" apps like Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit as well as the depths of content that is YouTube. It's the places where I found "my" people who understood me, who accepted me, who appreciated me. Growing up I had no one to talk with, even my own family wasn't understanding, let alone my friends.

During my school life I had always been surrounded by friends or as I like to put it, people I can talk to and have lunch with during school hours. That's what it was, nothing more than that. My idea of friends was just different from others, I didn't want emotional connection or people to hang out with. I wanted friends who would listen to my ramblings and be able to debate and discuss things with.

I don't want to seem pretentious or snobbish and definitely not above others in any way. But....when I am surrounded by so many frustratingly stupid people, I don't have any other words to describe them than "not good enough for me". They may be wonderful people, who are warm and lively. I do not care about being around such people. I am someone that watches video essays on morality, ethics, philosophy and analysis of movies and TV, in comparison to the people I know I am just more perceptive and thoughtful and that alone makes me seem like a stranger to them (INTPs are weird in short form). My dad told me smart people have it hard to make friends because of this exact nature, I wouldn't call myself incredibly intelligent but I know I am far more capable in thinking than my classmates who watch reality TV shows and Tiktok dances. Sometimes I cannot even comprehend how people can even get satisfaction and happiness from something as simple as that and that's when I understand: it's okay to be different than that and it's okay that they are "normal".

I feel like I am Lain from "Serial Experiments Lain", as if my existence is given meaning by the internet and I was born from it. My lack of social interactions in person can be explained by that, but it's the thought of talking with other people that often scares me. I am used to being silent, so much so that even on the internet, I remain quiet, not interacting with people who might understand me. Being afraid of not being understood has stopped me from even trying to make connections when there's people ready to do that.

I don't even reply to comments on my posts, unless I have to and I don't talk with anyone on the internet itself. I just watch and be happy at other people's interactions and feel a sense of belonging.

For some days I decided to stop doing that, to stop the vow of silence. To let people approach me and approach others myself. I want to be friends and it's the only thing that I have ever considered as something I couldn't achieve.

Loneliness isn't as pretty as the movies and books tell you. It's more of a psychological thriller than a show like Euphoria and Skins where these stylised depictions make my depression and loneliness appear cool. It's cool to be alone, to have my own space and not cross boundaries but it's not cool to let the loneliness that shields me, devour me.

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mygloviesme · 8 months

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cool about it. || myg

no. 6: we don’t have to talk about it

predebut/debut!yoongi x female idol

summary: kanako is an established idol with a growing career and a secret relationship with a producer from her label, haneul. when she’s asked to work with yoongi and rm to create a track for her, she gains unexpected feelings for a certain upcoming rapper. with her increasing fame, her controlling boyfriend, a set of six boys who seem to have grown an attachment to her, and a new boy who’d give her the world, how will she figure out a way to balance it all?

(definitely inspired by boygenius)

word count: 3.0k

genre: ANGST, friends(?) to lovers, slow burn, lots of pining, slight fluff

chapter warnings: toxic relationship (not w/myg), mentions of mental health, mentions of grooming (not w/myg)

inspo song: anything by adrianne lenker.

"i dont wanna be the owner of your fantasy, i just wanna be a part of your family"

FEBRUARY 15TH, 2012, 11:51PM

Once the games and conversations have settled, I sit in Yoongi’s bed once again, scrolling on my phone as the rest of them do. It was an eventful night with lots of screaming and jokes and fun. Something I’ve forgotten about these past ten months. I feel like I’ve been wrapped in a heated, weighted blanket and put to bed. That’s how this night has made me feel. I wonder if they know how much this has meant to me, I think to myself.

If they did, would it scare them?

I use that thought to my advantage and choose to not express those feelings, not for a while at least. They can’t know how lonely I've been these past couple years. How drained, isolated, and unhappy I’ve been. I want to enjoy this non-complicated bliss for a while longer. They don’t have to know just yet.

I see a notification pop up on the top of my screen, causing me to freeze. I click to see the full message, It’s from Bang-PD.

Bang: Hello Kanako, sorry to bother you so late at night. I’ve been informed by a colleague who knows someone that works at K-Station, that the story of you and Haneul will drop tomorrow. I’m unsure of how the story got out to begin with, but that will be discussed later. I know this is a big worry for you as much as it is for everyone here at BigHit, but I negotiated with him as much as I could. Unfortunately, all I was able to do was convince him not to release Haneul’s name, though he’s still releasing other information about him that still connects him to BigHit. I’m sorry for this, Kanako. The least I can do is cancel any sort of promotion that’s been previously booked for you this year. Please let me know however I, or any of the staff here, can further support you during this troubling time. There’ll be a meeting to cover more at 8AM tomorrow.

My hands shake as I grasp my phone tightly, rereading the text over and over again. Over and over and over again. This can’t be real, right? How could this situation get any worse? Why does this always happen? What’s so wrong with me that I’m always hurting?

I click the call button and PD-nim answers almost immediately.

“Yes, Kanako.” He says, knowing what I’ve called about.

“One moment,” I mutter, rushing over Yoongi’s laying body and to the balcony door. It doesn’t occur to me at the moment how frantic I must seem to the boys. But I don't care. All I’m thinking about is what’s going to happen. To me, to the company, to the boy’s success. If they don’t succeed, it’s my fault isn’t it? This scandal is going to burn this company down to its core. It’s my fault, it’s my fault, it's my fault.

I step onto the balcony, feeling the fresh hair hit my face and I close the door behind me. I bring the phone back up to my face and start to cry, “T-This is all my fault, isn’t it? I’m going to ruin the company’s name?” I choke.

“Kanako please calm down-”

“I CAN’T calm down! It’s my fault, it’s all my fault…” My cries turn into sobs.

“We’re going to handle it, I promise you. We won’t go down without a fight.”

I clutch my hair with one hand, shutting my eyes tightly. “What about the boys? The group? Will they still debut?” I whisper.

His answer is delayed, and I can feel the hesitation that stalls his voice. Stop feeling. Stop feeling.

“W-We will cover that tomorrow, they’ll be attending the meeting as well.”

I shake my head uncontrollably, “No, Bang. They have to debut. You have to promise me that will still happen. I don’t care, let me go, I-I’ll give up my career. I’ll stop performing, just promise me.”

I can hear him sigh through the phone, “It won’t have to come to that, Kanako. There is just some things we need to discuss. Tomorrow. Everything will be handled. Our priority is you at this moment, okay?” He aims to comfort me, but that doesn’t comfort me whatsoever.

I don’t want to be the main priority, I feel like nothing compared to those boys. They have so much hope, so many dreams, and I’m fading away. I’m withering into the background and I’ve accepted it. I don’t matter.

I swallow the growing lump in my throat with a wince.

“O-Okay. See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Kanako.”

The phone call ends and I place my phone in my sweatpants, Jungkook's sweatpants.

I walk over to the balcony railing, placing my hands along it softly. I sniffle my tears away and stare up to the night sky. It’s so quiet. I wonder, will the streets be rioting tomorrow? Will there be people at my doorstep, telling me I’m a horrible person? Will there be anyone left after everything’s been taken from me? It seems the universe isn't satisfied with my misery, not just yet.

I hear the door crack open behind me, looking to see who it is. I see all seven boys piling onto the balcony, knowing they won’t fit. So they all just stand amid themselves, some with hands in their pockets, some looking at me directly. Yoongi stands behind them, almost hiding.

“Hi guys.” I laugh through my tears painfully. Jungkook, the lanky sixteen year old, snakes his way in my direction. He stands next to me, placing his arm around me. It catches me off guard but I don’t reject it. Just this once, I’ll soothe into someone’s consolation. Just this once.

“You heard that, huh?” I say, knowing this situation brings déjà vu for the both of us. He’s always here, isn’t he? Coming to my rescue. He shouldn’t have to be. He’s so young, just like I was.

“We, uh, all did.” He speaks with a gentle grip on my shoulder. Although being younger than me, he’s still much taller than me. But this time it doesn’t scare me that I have to look up to him, to someone. There’s a glimmer in his doe-eyes that makes me smile.

I peak behind to the boys who stand there, all looking at the night sky with us.

Yoongi steps forward through what seems to be a crowd, standing on the other side of me.

“We’re here for you.” Is all he says, locking his eyes into mine. The care that rests in his demeanor is enough for my heart to glow shiny, bright red. But in this moment all I want is to be held, consoled. So I set those feelings aside and rest my head on Yoongi’s shoulder. Like he’s an old friend, someone who’s done this with me many times before. That’s how it feels anyway.

I feel the rest of the boys surround us closer, and we extend to a group hug. It’s vulnerable, unexpected, but wanted. I feel wanted. Not in a lustful, wrong way. But in a grounding way.

Is this how it feels to be loved truly, hopefully, madly, properly?

FEBRUARY 16TH, 2012, 8:00PM

I sit in the same conference room, but this time with the boys. Bang has no idea we had all just come from the same room, which I know is another stupid decision I made. But this one isn’t something I’d like to feel bad about, not yet.

“First I’d like to say, this meeting will be met with zero judgment. We’re treading on very thin ice and I’d like this meeting to be beneficial. Is that understood?” PD-nim says, and we all agree unanimously.

“Great, moving on. Kanako, how do you feel about canceling the rest of your previously booked events? This means,” He shuffles through his stack of stapled paper, “-Interviews, promotions, performances, and award shows.” He clears his throat and focuses on me.

I lick my lips slowly, thinking of his question. I knew he asked that last night, but I was unsure even then. This means losing money. Lots and lots of money, from both ends.

“What will it mean for my career?” I question honestly.

“We still have an ongoing contract for you that we intend on fulfilling. It’ll be up to you if you’d like to renew it, as it ends on November 18th later this year. We are still wanting you to be an idol under this company, though. Your renewal will be met with zero hesitation from us, if you do decide to do so.” He says.

I nod, “I’ll take a break, then.”

He gives a half smile and writes something down, before looking at the group of boys.

“There will be a stallment to your debut, as me and the team have discussed. The set date was,” He looks down to his papers again, “April 12th, 2013. Now it will be June 12th, 2013. Just to get everything back in order so we’re well organized for that time.” He concludes.

I sink into my chair just a little and glance at the boys who nod, unexpressive.

“How does that make you all feel?” I hear myself mutter. Didn’t know I’d be speaking like this.

Namjoon sits up from his chair, setting his arms on the table, “We’re ready whenever the company is. We, uhm, are in full support of Kanako.” He expresses, which meets agreements from the other members. PD-nim’s mouth parts slightly, nodding slowly.

“That’s…good to know. Anyway,” He slides us all a piece of paper, “This is an NDA. All of the staff have signed it and we need you all to sign as well. We need utter privacy at this time, nothing that you hear or know in this building leaves it, is that understood?” Before Bang finishes speaking, Yoongi has already reached for a pen and gives a hurried signature.

He lays back in his seat and his expression still hasn’t moved. The rest follow, the sound of signatures after the other. I grip the pen and give mine as well, with a little hesitation. Maybe it’s the embarrassment of having dragged everyone in this mess with me.

“Before we wrap up this meeting, there are some notable mentions. The trainees we had here have been moved to various entertainments, just as an added precaution. We as a team expect there will be press covering all grounds of this building and there isn’t any need to have more information leak. As for questions you may get asked, we have asked our publicists to ensure that all will be avoided in future interviews. If there happens to be a time when you do get asked,” He looks over to the boys, “The answer is to not answer. We will handle it.” He purses his lips to create something of a smile.

He gets up to collect our papers, stuffing them in his folder and placing it on top of his binder. He stays standing, “Since we’ve moved the trainees, there are more dorms available. You boys will be moved to the same unit Kanako resides in. The rooms are more spacious and we’ve decided to split it up in two, so who is staying in who’s dorm is up to you seven. As for you all in total,”

His gaze travels to mine, “I urge you all to stick together during this time, including Kanako. It might be helpful for you to have peers to talk to. There may be other meetings as the situation develops, but for right now I encourage everyone to rest.” Ah, the calm before the storm.

He gives one last bow before leaving the conference room. Once the door has closed and the dust settles, I hear a small voice.

“Does this mean I can move in with Kanako?” Jungkook whispers.

FEBRUARY 16TH, 2012, 12:00PM

I hear loud footsteps and the voices of the same boys I was with just outside my dorm. This has been happening for two hours now, and I assumed they were moving into their new dorms. I took these few hours to ease my mind, turning off my phone semi-permanently. I thought it was best I avoid any news outlets or messages from people I went to school with. I’m sure my phone is about to implode with how many texts and missed calls I’m getting.

Besides, there’s no family members that I need to contact. A painful reminder as I stuff my phone in my junk drawer. I take a deep breath before stepping outside my room, seeing a box toppled over with clothes and various objects pooling the floor. Taehyung and Jimin are bickering in the other dorm, and Jungkook runs outside to see me when he hears my door open.

“Kanako! Help us!” He begs, and I tilt my head in confusion. He grabs my wrist to lead me inside the dorm, but when I feel his grip I back away aggressively, jerking my hand from his. The notion was too familiar, my spine being sent chills when I remembered his name. Haneul. I know Jungkook didn’t mean any harm, but when I saw, felt, his long fingers on my wrist I went into fight or flight.

“D-Don’t do that.” I say assertively, rubbing my wrist with my other hand. His expression falls, and I sense he’s at a loss for words.

The edges of his mouth turn into a gentle smile, “Of course, I’m sorry. Do you-would you like to come in and help us move in?” He asks, gesturing to me to come in. He’s not upset with me?

I accept his request and caress his arm in reassurance as I step inside. The place is mostly empty, with boxes and tubs on top of each other. Yoongi is on his back, underneath the bunk bed. Jungkook follows and stands next to me, sighing, “He thinks the creaking noise it’s making means it’s broken. He’s been at this for thirty minutes.”

I laugh and walk over to Yoongi, leaning down so I’m on my hands and knees. I lean my head down to meet with him, looking at him with curiosity. “You know these beds are very, very old. Actually, the one in my dorm is 10 years old, I’ve been told. And it has not collapsed once.” I say. He plops his head down on the carpet, “That’s not a problem when your bed isn’t being slept on by two people.” His voice is slightly muffled.

I hum, “That’s true. But listen,” I scooch under the small space so we’re lying side by side. The space between us is minimal to none, and if we turn our faces we’d only be inches away from each other. I realize this closeness and in turn, my cheeks flush. “Nothing is going to happen.” I assure him.

He licks his lips and closes his eyes, “It’s better hearing it from your mouth instead of Jungkook’s.” He says, which makes my palms embarrassingly clammy. It also makes me feel like I need to go to the bathroom, badly. But you did not hear that from me. My eyes are hesitant to look at him, but with a leap of faith, I do so anyway. And it feels freeing. I feel like this is how these things are supposed to go. Natural, awkward.

These feelings are okay to have. As long as you don’t go any further.

But I think back to last night, when he let me rest my head on his shoulder for what felt like hours. When he saw me after my horrible dinner, mascara down my face and snot dribbling above my upper lip. He’s already seen me. He knows me, he knows what I look like when I’m broken down, vulnerable. Then why is it that I still need a wall between us? Why is it that I feel like I’ve failed when he looks at me the way he’s looking at me right now?

His almond eyes are almost blurred from the darkness of being underneath this bed, but I can still see him, and he sees me. X-ray vision. He looks down to my lips in a quick motion, and I feel my breath hitch. But I’m leaning over, and so is he. We’re so close to each other, I can feel his breath on my face. It has a hint of mint and something else I assume to be his breakfast.

And I want to be his next meal, in the most wholesome sense of the phrase.

“Kanako..”

“I love when you say my name.” I confess in the form of a whisper.

His lips brush mine, before I’m grabbed and dragged from my ankles. I bonk my head on the edge of the bed and look at Taehyung who’s looking at me like a lost puppy. I rub my forehead and close my eyes, unable to process what just happened this past minute.

“What the fuck..” I groan. My head throbbing.

Yoongi scooches from under the bed so he’s sitting up next to me, staring at Taehyung with a look I can’t read but it seems like Taehyung can. He stutters, “I-uh, we just…sorry about that, Kanako.” Tae hangs his head low. I try to shake my head but I’m too busy soothing the pain that’s building up in my frontal lobe, surely damaging it. “Uh, it's fine. What is it?”

Taehyung pouts, “Is it true Jungkook is staying with you? And if so, can we all take turns spending the night because I think it’s very unfair that he gets to-”

I interrupt him, “No, he’s not staying with me.” I sigh, “Jungkook!” I call out his name in annoyance. I hear small thuds that turn into louder ones, Jungkook peering from the dorm door. His head peaks in slightly, afraid of being scolded. “I’m sorry but you can’t stay in my dorm, there’s just not enough room! It’s a single.” I say while placing my hand over my heart playfully, emphasizing my pity.

He pouts just like Taehyung, “But maybe you could sleep over here sometimes? Now there’s no excuse for you not to, it’s not like you’re doing anyth-”

“Jungkook.” Yoongi snaps.

The young boy nods in apology, “Just a couple nights a week?”

I roll my eyes, “A couple nights a week, sure.”

click here to read more of this story!

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fortunatelev · 3 months

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I logged out and stopped playing early. Idk...I'm just bored...like I have no one to hang out with and talk to and sometimes it gets a bit depressing seeing other people hanging out and having fun together. Anytime I have tried to make friends and be kind to people I would always get treated like garbage. I have nothing but traumatic memories of people and how they all treated me like shit. Like wow...am I really that unlikeable? Why was I even born then? 😅

But seriously, though. While it is true that you dont need to have friends, life is more fun when you do have them. Right now...I'm just bored. Lonely and bored. Life feels so dull and pointless. Like?? What's the point to anything? Like you think you are living right and it's like "Okay God I cut off the toxic friends and the people who were bad influences so when am I going to have people to talk to or am I just going to be destined to talk to myself for the rest of my life?" And that is what I actually do. I have full conversations with myself because I have no one to actually talk to. I guess God wanted me to be isolated from everyone and not have any social skills. lol okay so that made me undeniably crazy. what was the point of that exactly? what is the point of me being here? to be a laughing stock to people? to be the butt of a joke? like why? what is the purpose of me being on this earth. I'm tired of everyday being the same thing over and over.

I feel like I dont really have much of a life nor much to offer. I can't work or drive because of my mental health and my inability to handle stress and my crippling anxiety. I have no social skills and lack the proper necessary skills to make connections and talk to people. Why the hell am I here? I'm just so bored with my damn life.

It must be nice for the people who do have friends and who do have relationships. You're fortunate. I'll probably never have that especially since it seems like God clearly doesn't want me to. I am wondering why I am even still serving Him. I know I shouldn't be envious of people or covet what they have and I dont want to but?? You arent exactly helping me not to now are you? I want friends...I want a relationship...I want human connection but I never get that. I just get treated like garbage like I am nothing and worthless. Its like each time I see people hanging out that is just the universe's way of telling me "yeah you will never have anyone or connect with them. you will never have that. they are fortunate and you arent". And where are you in this, God? Do you care about my suffering? You said in your word for us to delight ourselves in you and serve you and I have done that and even so with all of the time I have given you and all the times I have defended your name and honored you, I get nothing in the end but suffering. How is that fair?

I dont connect with anyone and any connection I do try to make always falls through the cracks and I have to do all the work while they lose interest and stop talking to me. Now I no longer trust anyone after all the betrayals and abandonment. My life just sucks and I'm tired of living it honestly. Like the people who treat me bad always have people to support them and help them but I get absolutely nothing but people telling me that "they dont enjoy being around me when I am sad". How is it that other people can get support and love and they dont even serve you and yet I get absolutely nothing when I am serving you.

I just dont understand this. God, I have served you and have made every effort to revere you but it just feels like you always want me to be lonely and suffering which is already horrifically bad for my terrible mental health. Do you even care? I know I am supposed to serve you and all but given the fact that I already suffer with my mental health, why do I need to have a lack of social skills, too? That just seems cruel of you. I am trying to trust you but I am beginning to lose my faith in you. I don't feel motivated to live this life anymore.

#my life sucks #god has forsaken me #god #lonely #bored #no friends #loneliness #sigh #i want friends #socially isolated #isolated #trauma #trust issues #i give up #im just done #done with faith #faith

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hush-writes-preg · 1 year

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pretty random but i just wanted to say that your account has been helping me a lot in some unexpected ways recently. after months of trying with my bf and battling a lot of aggressive dysphoria, i am finally pregnant with my first and am super excited. though, im completely apart from my family and while i do have support from my bf and his family, it feels a little lonely to be in an isolating predicament. im scared to start showing because of other people but am excited for that part for myself, and it's just not necessarily feeling how you'd expect it to feel as somebody who is very much into this type of thing. which i knew was how it would be, but it's kinda confusing since it's something i've wanted so badly.

i've always loved your writing (like since you made this acc at least) and seeing the support your content gets makes me feel less alone. it's just very inclusive and feels honestly empowering. it reminds me that there's people who would support me and be happy for me even when i'm not seeing that firsthand. maybe it's because i'm really emotional and hormonal and all over the place but i was thinking about it earlier and cried lol but anyways just wanted to say thank you for that

Hey there, Anon. It sounds like a huge CONGRATULATIONS is in order! 💖💖💖 You're going to be a parent, and that is so freaking exciting!

It's no great wonder that you're feeling a lot of conflicting feelings over the coming changes; pregnancy isn't easy for those who identify as female, let alone for those who don't. And I imagine that there will be some scary bits, and more dysphoria, and probably even some other things that crop up that you won't expect. But to be able to push through it all and create a brand-new little person? Gods, I can't imagine how incredible that will be.

I know I keep mentioning it, but this here is why I write. Sure, sexy horny fun times are all well and good, but my content is also meant to be inclusive and empowering and allow everyone the chance to experience the magic of pregnancy in some way. We are all worthy of some happiness, you know?

You are never truly alone, Anon. It might feel that way out there in the 'real world', but that doesn't mean there aren't people who care. Sometimes you just can't see them because they don't live nearby and can only send you good vibes through a computer screen. Regardless, you deserve all of the love and support in this extra-special time.

So congrats again. If you ever feel like popping by again to drop me a pregnancy update, I will gladly sit here and cheer you on. I am a total softie for this kind of stuff. ❤️

#hush answers

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onbeinganangel · 2 years

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hi! just here to tell you I adore your tarot drabble series so so much! every single one is magical✨ you tell beautiful stories with so few words 💌 I don’t know much about tarot so I was wondering (only if you’d like, of course!) if you could talk about your process in connection to the cards? I would love to know more about how their meanings inspire your writing!!

omg hi 🌳🌳🌳🌳!!!

you are so kind! I have been dragging this series around like my wee dog does his blanket (which is to say, I love it and want to see my task through but also jesus fucking christ why is it under my feet I can’t stop tripping oh fuck ouch bloody! stupid! blanket! aaaaggghh) and it just means the world to me that you are enjoying my teensy little drabbles!

(before I talk out of my arse, I want to say that I know tarot is a very loved, powerful, and special tool and practice for a lot of people. I am by no means a savant and I do it very informally, the way I was taught by my aunties and then later by a group of friends. my practice may not match your practice. such is the way of the world.)

I grew up around a remarkable group of wonderful women that taught me a lot of things, from how to make bread to getting stains out of fabric to — you guessed it — how to read cards. but then I was a teenager for a dreadful little time so I lost that for a while, and for a few years now I have been trying to reconnect to that. my practice is rusty but I love how the cards still feel right, like I know them.

so, back in like march (?) or so, in an attempt to practice and study two things I was feeling very weak at but love dearly, I decided to get back into writing by pulling a card and trying to make something out of it. a lot of tarot has to do with intuition and reading of imagery so whenever I’d start on a new drabble, I would pull out the physical card and let it speak to me. in fact, for the most recent ones, I have been pulling the same cards from two or three different decks and looking at them for guidance (sometimes a different illustration will put more emphasis on something so while I know the meanings of the cards by heart, the deck you use can also influence your reading)

all cards are easier to read when applied to a question/problem/situation (and also you usually pull a few in a reading and they are much easier to understand when together rather than just a lone card), so there is a lot of freedom when writing because I am not necessarily going in with any of that in mind. sometimes I go in with just a pairing and look at the card and see if anything comes to mind, sometimes I throw in an extra prompt or ask myself do I want fluff? angst? smut? or do I want this to be an AU, etc.

for a lot of the cards, I have used them really liberally. so, while the meaning of the card always comes to play — sometimes very obviously, sometimes very subtly — I have been trying to really put the card against the pairing and/or genre, and then let it lead me.

as a quick example (I’ll shut up soon I promise), I wrote this open ending drarry one for The Hermit card, which is traditionally a card that means introspection and isolation but it is also about seeking wisdom and knowledge, despite not quite knowing the way — which is sort of where I got the open ending from! visually, most depictions of The Hermit have him holding a lantern and I actually used this motif very literally for this drabble: as the bright light that sets everything off. the drabble starts with Draco’s magic (“hot and bright”) and ends with Harry’s (bursting into “pure brightness”), so while the meaning of the card is also there, it’s obvious I also took a lot of visual inspiration for it.

and that’s basically how I go about most of the drabbles! I will pick an element (a lot of the cards have sooooooo much you can take from them, all the little details in the illustrations matter) and come up with a situation and it all snowballs from there. sometimes it’s very hard to keep it at the 100 words. but yeah, that’s it : ) I am not taking myself or the series very seriously, and I lost steam along the way a lot, but it’s been a fun excuse to practice short form, to try out new pairings and study my tarot all at the same time!

thank you for this question and I AM SO SORRY FOR RAMBLING I don’t know how to shut up sometimes oooopsies. anyway thank you thank you, you are really very kind for asking! I hope at least a third of what I just wrote makes sense x

#the answer to this is 8 drabbles long #what the fuck is wrong with me #marion learn to talk less challenge #now I’m off to write a couple of drabbles because I still have 28 to write lmao it never ends!!!!!#(if anyone has cards/pairing suggestions pls feel free to throw them at me)#no promises but i can try #i just want to finish this damn series before the end of the year lol #thank you trees it was really fun to actually try and put my messy process into words <3 i appreciate you #qs and as #m babbles #tarot card drabbles

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bunnyloafing · 8 months

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૮ • ﻌ - ა 1

it wasn’t really a matter of who fell out first, it was the matter of who could tolerate longer. the answer in the end was that neither of us could tolerate each other for much longer than was required. they finished the project and i guess that’s where they both thought they’d never see each other again, thankfully. obviously life has its ways of proving us wrong time and time again and when i least expected it (and somehow most needed it), you appeared again. it was kinda like how when you don’t need something, you see it so often everywhere, but when you need it, you can’t quite seem to remember where you last left it. where did they last leave it at? probably throwing empty but sharp and cruel insults to each other. one thinks too hard and it too rigid to want to try to show that he knows basic human emotions. the other thinks with his heart instead of his head, it could be a good thing, but i just don’t see how it could help him in the long run. they both are wrong, if we’re being honest. you can live through life without acknowledging it’s beauty and wonders and you can’t life through life bare feet and without preparation for its cruel and harsh environments. balance, is what we need. but balance means tolerance, balance means peace, balance means being okay with not being okay. and god, that’s hard. so hard, in fact, that we needed to part ways in order to survive. that’s how it felt like anyway. we couldn’t stand each other, we really couldn’t. heartless and so cold that even when we were together as friends, i felt so distant. it pushes people away, you know. being like that. being me though, being so open and vulnerable around those who don’t always ask me to be, is also a form of isolation. throwing myself onto others is scary for them. but i would rather speak my fears of feeling alone to everyone than to actually be alone. now, they live in the same house, their home. it hurts to call it that because in a way, kaveh knows it’s not actually his home. it could have been, if not for the messy and deadly end between them back then. he regrets that sometimes but wouldn’t do anything differently because of his fear. his fear of what they could have been now if he didn’t explode then. what would they be now? where would they be? how funny to think his entire life could have been so different if he had just tolerated a while longer. it kills him inside at night, a wall away, but a galaxy of distance. tells himself he’ll talk to him in the morning, but never really does. it’s not worth it anyway. he assumes too much but that may be the only thing keeping him alive right now. if not for the small part of his mind that tells him to be careful, he wouldn’t be here now. he is so emotional. be careful Kaveh, it can hurt to be deceived, as you may know by now. he’s lonely but at least he’s not alone yet. his friends make life a little better, but the bitter taste in his mouth remains even after they all part ways when meeting at the tavern. it could be the alcohol, he doubts that, but he’s sure it’s jealousy coursing through his blood. why do they get to live so happily? maybe if he took tighnari’s place, even with all the stress of being so important in the community and taking care of collei and balancing everything, he would be happier. anything would be better than this. ‘this’ doesn’t truly refer to anything in specific, it’s more of like a loop of his life. wake up tired, go to work, come back, work, argue with alhaitham, stay up until the sun shows up, sleep, wake up tired and start again (to be fair, he does sneak in a drink or two whenever given the opportunity). it’s fine for now. tolerance is what kills them both, but the balance is what brings them together. kaveh wouldn’t change anything of what he did because if he would have done things differently, he’s scared of the results in doing so. would a ‘sorry’ from both of them kill them? maybe that was all he needed. but for now, he can repeat doing whatever he does forever. he will get out of this one and soon, out of haithams mind (or so he thinks).

i didn’t check this for spelling mistakes sorry

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