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kyouka-supremacy · 7 months

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I was asked why I like Beast and why I prefer it over the main universe, so obviously I ended up with a 2k+ words essay on why Beast is great. Now I feel like it diverges too much from what the original ask was actually asking for, so I'm leaving it to its own post. Enjoy.

Why do you like Beast? So, first of all you MUST know that this is a question that could keep me talking for days to no end. I'm not kidding. Here there will be some disorganized rambles but trust me, if I had time to actually do so I'd keep going on forever.

Alternative universes are cool I love Beast. I think it starts off at a point when the bsd author was more experienced from having already worked with the main series for many years, and ultimately ended up making an alternative version of the work that is more mature and refined, while still maintaining bsd's core themes (and conservative worldviews at that lmao). Starting off, the “what if” concept is endlessly fascinating, pretty much the entire fandom culture is based on it. It IS unfailingly cool to see what could have happened if Akutagawa sided with the ada and Atsushi with the pm, it is extremely interesting to see what changes out of their personalities and on the other hand what stays the same, what is intrinsically them. About sskk, I find it really compelling how Beast tackles intimate aspects of their lives, pasts and traumas. The café scene is genuinely brilliant in the way it shows, completely unexpectedly and to the reader's full disbelief, them getting along in normal circumstances. Who could have predicted that! Of all things, Akutagawa and Atsushi getting along. But it happened, and nothing before had ever shown to that extent how similar they are, how much on the same page they are, how much they're meant to be– like yeah obviously I mean romantically, but even if you're not particularly into that, it displayed just how deeply connected they are. I'm forever grateful for that scene.

Beast Akutagawa is great But I think… More in general, I just really like Beast Akutagawa and Beast Atsushi, even better than their canon counterparts 😅 Again I do think at the point when they wrote Beast the author had already gathered a lot of experience from serializing bsd for at least five years, and ended up making characters that are more solid and compelling (although please don't get me wrong, I LOVE canon sskk and I believe canon Akutagawa's character arc in particular is amazing. It's just that at least to me Beast sskk is everything I could ever ask for.). I love Beast Akutagawa! It was so so capturing to see him grow outside of the pm. And especially it was infinitely interesting to see Akutagawa grow outside of Dazai. And don't get me wrong, I love the influence Dazai has on canon Akutagawa, I wouldn't have it any other way: it made Akutagawa who he is, and I love reading about his character. But I also found it wonderful and pleasantly refreshing to see how he would be if he had never undergone Dazai's training; I like this Akutagawa who's possibly even more immature and impulsive, wild and untamed than his canon counterpart. Beast is also the universe where Akutagawa gets his chance at being a good person - which is something he desperately strived for but never got to have in the main universe -, and in the end I am a little attached to Akutagawa, so I'm happy for him! His relationship with Oda and the whole ada are wonderful, I like getting to experience a universe where Akutagawa is loved and supported, unapologetically, for who he is.

Beast Atsushi is great Beast Atsushi is AMAZING. Like. Character molded appositely to my liking ahah. He's so cool! He's so tormented! He's sweet and cruel and utterly unstable! I love him so much. He truly is Atsushi at his full potential. I love this Atsushi who's biggest fear isn't the world, but rather himself. He's beautiful and horrible and deathly and kind. He killed his abuser to stop him from haunting his nightmares, but ended up turning those nightmares into his life. He takes his coffee with three sugars. He loves his little sister and would risk the safety of his organization and the boss he's endlessly loyal to for her. The only person who ever understood him is his most loathed enemy. He's one with death and indistinguishable from darkness. His laughter stops rain. He lives in perpetual physical pain due to a choker constantly piercing around his neck and yet even that is nothing compared to the damage of his psyche. He's so, so fucked up. He deserves the world. I LOVE HIM.

Beast Dazai is great Also, I really like Beast Dazai!!! He's always Dazai, but I think his character works out a lot better in Beast for the role he covers. In canon Dazai is this omniscient, all knowing figure, but he's also a protagonist, and him being so perfectly flawless doesn't go well in the long run. You've seen it in the last season 5 episode, it just gets boring after a while– it would be nice to see him face actual challenges and high stakes for once, but he's so overpowered, that never happens. In Beast, it's pretty much the same deal (author really loves Dazai lmao), but the fact that he isn't the protagonist and instead the main villain? I feel like from a storytelling standpoint, it works so much better!! I mean, his being omniscient works a lot better– he's not the one who the reader expects facing challenges and high stakes, the protagonist is. In addition, in Beast Dazai has almost universal knowledge due to his link to the Book, so that makes his being omniscient and even god-like a lot more feasible and easy to contemplate! I think that plot-wise it just works a lot better, there's an actual reason he's so overpowered, and that reason is explained, it's in the text. Oh and I LOVE his utter devotion to Oda. I know it's the same in canon, but still… There in Beast you can see it concretely, you can see it everywhere. That very universe exists how it is because of Dazai's love for Oda, because there's nothing he wouldn't do for him, because in the whole universe, in the whole multiverse, Oda's happiness is the only thing that matters to him. I think such strong feelings of love being put so explicitly is something simply wonderful to read, and makes Dazai infinitely more sympathetic than what he may be in canon. “But I do have one regret, Odasaku— I won't be able to read the novel you'll complete one day.” LIKE YEAH, SURE, ALRIGHT, JUST SHOOT ME TO THE HEAD ALREADY. That line alone is worth the whole novel, honestly. Oh and the thing about Oda harshly repudiating Dazai, the man who literally did everything for him, who dedicated his whole life for him… Man!!! That REALLY made me sympathize with Dazai in a way canon will never be able to. All those factors only contribute making Dazai's suicide in the end all the more emotional– which I believe works really well in the story, he is an enemy and he is a god and he had to die, but still makes for an extremely emotionally charged scene and a wonderful story climax. Imo Beast Dazai had to die so that canon Dazai could live (and, hopefully, find a reason to live!), and it's as bitter as it is beautiful.

The Beast ada dynamics are great And I love the ada in Beast!!! They feel infinitely more of a family than they do in canon. Kenji, Kunikida, Tanizaki, they all seem to love Akutagawa in a way that's hard to be found towards Atsushi in canon? The way they didn't falter to rescue Akutagawa even as he went, against all their advices and pleas, to a suicidal rampage was wonderful and heartwarming. They make it sound unbelievable that when Atsushi was (mind you, unwillingly) kidnapped their first response would be that it was an hassle and that he should have dealt with it on his own (this time I truly believe it was the author learning from their own mistakes, because seriously, who does that. It makes everyone instantly feel a thousand times less sympathetic). As people have said, the ada alone makes Beast feel like the “right” universe on the basis that in it they actually care about their members. All things considered, the ada treats Akutagawa as this kind of rabid murderous gremlin they just adopted who's going to bite everyone but that they still love no matter what, and it's super cute. Beast ada really is the bsd found family if there ever was one.

A cool plot The Beast storyline is just very compelling in general? The introduction chapter is amazing, I mean, The Heartless Cur is amazing. Again, Beast Akutagawa is such a great character, and the description of his struggle to find his own humanity, although in my opinion does fall weak in some points and has flaws, still treats a concept that's very interesting to ponder over nonetheless. I like how there's a series of more light-hearted chapters in the first half, it helps solidify the characters, and those chapters are really nice to read; not to mention having lighter chapters alternated with the strikingly more gloomy and violent pm Atsushi scenes makes the latter feel all the more frightening and disturbing, it's a great narrative choice. And the big crescendo of Akutagawa storming in the pm headquarters! His fight of physics and morals against Atsushi! Them telling each other they're nothing like the other when the reader knows the exact opposite is true! It's all very good, and again, Dazai's suicide makes for a perfect climax to the story.

Sometimes being a seinen can be good I like how Beast is a seinen way more than the main story is? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with shounen manga - which bsd seems to lean towards more often than not, with only occasionally tackling more adult concepts -, but at this specific time in my life those darker themes are just something I find more entertaining to read about. I feel like the gritty and often gruesome depictions, although maybe a little overused in the manga, really help emphasize the dark atmosphere of the manga and overall effectively convey the whole “beast” imaginary as wild / violent / unpleasant / animalistic.

It's got sskk in it And in general it's just… Compared to canon, Beast is very very sskk centered. It's significantly shorter than the canon manga, and in a way that helped focus on sskk specifically, because it only had space to narrate one story, which is sskk's. And I don't know what to tell you, I'm here for the sskk. Of course I like Beast best.

Beast Atsushi is great (cont.) Back to Beast Atsushi because he's everything, really. I love how when I went into Beast I was like “I mean, whatever Dazai is making of Atsushi under the pm, if can't possibly be any worse than the constant abuse Akutagawa had to experience 😊” AND I WAS PROVED WRONG. I mean, I think the fact alone that the author could come up with something worse is remarkable. Dazai's emotional manipulation and psychological torment is, I believe, the darkest facet of Dazai we ever witnessed, and it's extremely well executed. Beast Atsushi is so so unstable, so on the brim of mental breakdown and psychosis at every second. Him being made unable to let go of the past makes him live in a perpetual nightmare. And I feel like the way his character story is unwrapped is truly masterful, storytelling wise!!!! On the reader's first encounter with him, it's evident how deeply scarred and disturbed he is, but the reader can't tell why. That adds to the mystery and feeling of unsettling surrounding the character: his story is wrapped up by darkness and it's impossible to predict, just like he is– and it's deliciously unsettling, scary, to be unable to tell anything about what made him like he is except from guessing that it must have been something really bad. And yet even then /nothing/ could have prepared the reader to what his backstory really is? And when the traumatic event is finally unveiled, it's worse then any guess the reader could have made. Atsushi's back to the orphanage flashback passage is terrifying! He didn't undergo any harm, like it would have been easy to guess; on the contrary, his torment stems from having killed his abuser. But he did so at a point when he didn't represent a threat for him anymore, when he was proud of him, when he got close to resemble a father to his eyes; and all of this he realized too late; and now he lives in constant regret, constant terror of himself. It's great, really! And even then, Atsushi carries on with being. super cool lmao. Like yeah he's unstable and everything, he's wild and violent, but he's also still very kind. He's timid and blushes easily. He also feels a lot more mature than he does in canon, and it's nice to see. He's more confident and serious, and that's nice too. He REALLY is my favorite character.

Some pretty cool scenes are in it Moving on, Beast has some truly amazing scenes. The Heartless Cur is amazing and builds up such an awesome character, Atsushi's introduction is petrifying, the Kenji / Akutagawa conversation is as deeply moving as it is cathartic. I won't be talking about the sskk café scene. Akutagawa's whole assault to the pm headquarters is rich of emotional scenes. I already talked about Atsushi's flashback and Dazai's suicide being wonderful passages both from technical and emotional standpoints. And the manga ending is just so good!!!!!!! Like it truly is the perfect ending– the way it ties up with the main story! How it feels like ada Akutagawa's story has just begun, a conclusion but also hope for what's to come. The “out behind our company's building there are some people of low character hanging about”– I can't stress enough how emotional this line, a final and definite tie to the main story, makes me, how meaningful it is in its quality of being both an ending, and a beginning. The last page showing Akutagawa at the center of the ada, it just moves me so deeply to see him being the protagonist, surrounded by a crowd of people who love and support him, getting his own chance at a life in the light 😭😭😭 “I'm going to live as an agency member. I'll solve cases, rescue the weak, and prove that I'm not evil.” Crying my eyes out 😭😭😭😭😭😭 And don't get me started on when Akutagawa and Atsushi's voices mix up to speak as one; I could never hope to be able to express what that makes me feel.

Siblings dynamics are my jam I also love Beast because one of the main aspects that drives the plot is Ryuunosuke and Gin's relationship, and I /love/ siblings relationships, and I //love// Ryuunosuke and Gin's relationship. I don't think Gin's character was written well at all (because the author literally can't write female characters for the life of theirs), but eh, at least it reinforced the concept that Ryuunosuke loves Gin terribly and would be able to do anything for her. Atsushi and Kyouka's relationship, too, is to die for.

The designs and manga art style slay Besides, the character designs are beautiful???? Akutagawa's Beast outfit is my second favorite out of the whole franchise, it's just such a look™. I love in general how rabid and messy Akutagawa looks in Beast, he feels so much more free? And like, good for him. In my head Beast Atsushi is the most handsome man in the entire franchise and I don't think I can take criticism on this. I find cutting off his longer bang such a witty way to represent not only how this Atsushi is different from the one we know (after all, that's the most remarkable and eye-catching feature of his appearance!), but also to symbolize how the cut with his past at the orphanage was harsh and violent. Characters designs aside, Hoshikawa's art style is GORGEUS. It's hard and rough and messy, it's dark and unpolished and violent and beautiful and exactly everything Beast is. It's PERFECT for the story, it's like it was made to portray it.

Sskk is always great And that's just talking about the canon content but like. Beast means a Beast sskk. Which is basically new and improved sskk. And I like sskk. And I like every version of sskk but especially this version where they're even more violent and fucked up and madly in love with each other and evidently meant to be. So yeah.

And this is like, just the very tip of the iceberg of what I love about Beast. Humbling offering you this Beast love letter in hope we can all give this novel the appreciation it deserves (๑˃‌ᴗ˂‌)۶

#ryūnosuke akutagawa #atsushi nakajima #sskk #shin soukoku #osamu dazai #bsd ada #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd beast #bsd analysis #my analysis #mine

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ggukiepie · 11 months

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girl in luv (boy in luv pt. 6)

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: jungkook finally tells you what you've been wanting to hear for so long...but you're still not happy

tags: bil!couple, college!au, bff!jk, two idiots in love, angst (what's new), fluff, happy ending !!!, kissing hihi

wc: 3.5k

a/n: lmaoooo hi im sorry this took so long. i didn't like what i originally wrote so i scrapped the whole thing and well here it is! i hope u guys like it. this is the last part for the series. tho i do plan to post some drabbles here and there (like their first time together maybe) but no promises anw thats its bye happy reading !!!! series masterlist / main masterlist

~*~

Your phone suddenly buzzes—someone was calling you. Though, instead of answering it, you stuff your phone between your couch cushions to block out the noise. You don’t dare look at your screen, sure you’ll get tempted to answer the call—whoever that was. You haven’t got much social interaction these days, always choosing to go straight home after each class, eating by yourself, declining invites to parties and hangouts. It’s not like anyone’s forcing you to be this way. You did this to yourself, really. You’d rather be alone than hangout with people. You didn’t have the energy to do so. You just wanted to be in your bubble a little bit longer.

Deep down, you know you’re craving to talk to someone. Anyone. But somehow you always end up alone. With your thoughts.

Self-sabotage, if you will.

The thoughts don’t help either. Your mind always drifts to Jungkook. Sometimes you think about him and his girlfriend. Most of the time, you think of your friendship. You missed what you had, even though you had to guard your heart every time, even if you got your hopes up at the simplest of actions. You missed being with Jungkook because for the time you were with him, he felt like he was…yours? There was no doubt that you were his. Had been from the start but didn’t realize it till later on. Your heart always craved for him, yearned for him when he wasn’t with you. Your heart felt lighter when you were together, be it doing the most mundane of things or sharing a special moment.

If you could just toughen up and tell him how you feel. But it was easier said than done. He already indirectly rejected you when he got together with some girl. But why would he reject you if he never knew how you felt? Maybe you were too busy protecting your heart, protecting the friendship you might lose if you would’ve confessed. You never thought he’d feel the same, even though you had moments that felt like he did.

You shake your head to rid your thoughts. You try to focus on writing the essay in front of you. Your Friday nights felt different now—stuck doing homework while your friends were partying.

You’re finally two pages deep when you hear frantic knocking on your door. You check the time on your laptop and see it’s a little past one in the morning. You suddenly rush to open your door, scared that you’d get a noise complaint all of a sudden.

You stand frozen, mouth agape at the scene in front of you.

“Huh?” you dumbly say.

It’s your three closest friends in your doorway. Jimin and Taehyung are somewhat conscious—at least they’re standing upright. But you notice the sway in their stance and you can smell the alcohol off of them. But it’s Jungkook between them that makes you freeze. He’s passed out, you’re sure of it, and the only reason why he’s sort of standing up is because Jimin and Tae have his arms around their shoulders.

“Why are you guys here?” you finally say.

It’s Taehyung who speaks up, smiling that smile he has when he wants something to go his way. When he has a plan that you might say no to (which you usually do). “Jungkook,” he points at Jungkook, as if you’d confuse him with anyone else, “is drunk.”

“I can see that,” you deadpan.

“And!” Tae rushes to say, like you’re about five seconds from shutting the door in their faces. “He kept asking for you. So we are simply complying with his request.”

“Because we are great friends,” Jimin pipes in. Taehyung nods in confirmation.

“Me?” you whisper, as if Taehyung were referring to anyone else. Your mind isn’t any better than his drunk one at this point.

“Yes!” Jimin whisper shouts. “Now let us in, he’s kinda getting heavy.”

Jungkook makes an incoherent sound from where his head is leaning on Tae’s shoulder, drool making a wet patch on the poor guy’s shirt. You take pity on your best friend and step aside to let in all of them, even though your heart’s racing because Jungkook is in your apartment.

Holy shit.

You watch them bring his unconscious body to your couch (they actually drop Jungkook and giggle all the way to your door, saying their goodbyes without looking back).

You huff at the sight in front of you. Jungkook’s cheeks are flushed red and he’s a little bit sweaty. Though, he looks so peaceful sleeping on your couch. Was he really looking for you?

You get a glass of water and two aspirins, placing it on the coffee table near him. The moment you near him, you kneel by his head and wipe the stray hairs on his forehead. You look at Jungkook, like really look at him. His eyebrows are scrunched together like something’s troubling him in his dreams. His lips are in a slight pout, lip ring glistening under your light (when did he get that, anyway?), little puffs of air coming out his mouth.

“Am I…” he mumbles. Your heart races. His eyes are still closed, but his mouth continues to move. “Am I at ____’s?”

Your heart seizes at the sound of your name. You gulp and nod slowly, then realize that he can’t hear you. “Yeah…” you trail off. “You’re in my living room.”

“Oh,” your best friend says as his eyebrows scrunch up some more. “Missed you.”

You sit back on the floor and hug your knees to yourself, preparing for whatever it is that he might say next. A drunk man’s words are his sober thoughts, right?

“Jimin and Tae said you were looking for me?”

“Mhmm,” he mumbles. “Wanted to… tell you somethin’”

You shake your head. Though your heart yearned to know, you also do know it’s not the right time. Not when he’s drunk. He might just regret his words now the next morning, which might even hurt worse than what he’s about to say. “Save it for tomorrow, Kook.” You push yourself off the floor but he stops you by holding your wrist, albeit weakly.

“Nuh uh…” he whispers. “Need to know…now. Broke up with Jiwoo.” He opens his eyes slightly and looks at you right away.

“Jungkook—”

“Like,” he continues to say, “I did it for you.”

You feel your anger rising, your body heating everywhere. “I didn’t tell you to do anything,” you firmly say.

Jungkook moves to sit up and you take a step back. “No,” he shakes his head slowly. “Jus’ didn’t feel right.”

You feel tears welling up in your eyes and you finally walk to your bedroom, slamming the door and locking it shut. You block out the sounds of Jungkook weakly calling out your name. Your fists clench in anger, the words Jungkook just uttered replaying in your head over and over. He couldn’t just dump his problems, turn around the narrative and make it seem like you made him break up with Jiwoo. That you asked him to end things with her because it didn’t feel right. And he forced himself into your home, your personal space—and drunk at that! He knew all your weak spots and used it to his advantage.

You hope he’d be gone in the morning. You don’t think your heart can hurt any more.

You hear pans clinking which promptly wakes you up. You weren’t able to sleep that much, actually, knowing Jungkook was right outside your room. You guess he stayed in the morning. He’s either cooking in your kitchen, or someone’s trying to steal your pans.

Rubbing your eyes as you open your bedroom door, you spot Jungkook by the stove with his back turned to you. He seems to be making scrambled eggs—which is the only thing he can make confidently.

“Morning,” you say. You might as well clear the air as early as now. You watch his back tense for a millisecond before he turns off the stove and sets the pan on your dining table. He turns to face you and brings a hand up to brush his hair back, a nervous tick of his that you noticed a few years back.

“Good morning,” he mumbles.

“So,” you start.

It’s so awkward you might cry again. When did things get this out of place? You start to rethink your feelings. You haven’t even confessed yet it feels like you’ve lost your best friend already. What if you confessed? What would happen then? You felt your heart closing just thinking about it now. Was your friendship really that fragile? You and Jungkook hardly fought but even if you did, you always made up right away.

“___,” he says. You look up, eyes meeting his instantly. “About last night… I’m sorry I suddenly barged into your place. I guess I really forced Tae and Jimin to bring me here.”

You nod and lean on the wall behind you, preparing for a long talk with him.

“I just really missed you, I guess—”

“Do you remember what you said last night?” you ask harshly, cutting him off so quick his shoulders tense.

Jungkook swallows nervously and nods his head. “Yeah and… I don’t know if there’s a better to say it, really. But we did break up, ____. She just wasn’t it for me.”

“And you said you did it for me,” you say, pushing him to just get to the point.

“Yes, because I realized that my heart never belonged to her. It belonged to you. Still does,” he says in a rush.

You eye him sharply, staring at his features and expression to make sure he’s completely telling the truth. You want to believe him, you really do, but why would he say that then be with someone else.

“It doesn’t make sense,” you finally say. “Why did you get together with her, then?”

“I don’t know—”

“You don’t know,” you repeat, and Jungkook’s eyes widen in panic. “You think you can come running to me right after a break up? Like I’m some second option? You don’t love her enough so you run to me instead?”

Jungkook opens and closes his mouth, mind thinking quickly to say something. His hands start to tremble and he brings a hand up to push back his hair. “I didn’t mean that,” he says hoarsely. “I didn’t realize it soon… And—” he stutters to catch his breath. “I was just scared—”

You’re fuming at this point. How could he do this to you? To just play with your feelings like that? “Get out.”

“____—"

“I mean it, Jungkook,” you shakily say. “You’ve hurt me enough. Just leave, please.”

He looks at you longingly, doe eyes watering before he nods and turns to the door in silence. You watch him put his shoes on before he leaves, not sparing you a glance. You don’t realize you’ve been tearing up as well, wiping the tears on your cheeks. Walking to the kitchen counter, you realize that Jungkook made chocolate chip pancakes. Your favorite.

It’s been a week since the incident with Jungkook and you haven’t talked to him since then. You also missed your weekly brunch with your friends, too afraid to face Jungkook. Thinking about it now, were you a little bit too harsh? Maybe. You thought you’d finally be happy upon hearing his confession but instead you pushed him away, shut him out. Because you’re scared. Terrified. Things were already going so well with Jungkook when you both were just best friends and you don’t think you can lose him forever should you actually get together and then break up.

Funny since it feels like you’ve lost him already.

It’s 8 am and you’re all alone in the student council office, trying to get some studying done as you were restless staying in your apartment. Staying there just reminds you of Jungkook, so you’ve been spending your mornings here before the other people arrive.

Suddenly, the door opens which is unusual. You usually have the place to yourself for at least another three hours. Curiously, you look up and find your best friend standing by the doorway, laptop and coffee in hand.

It’s silent for a moment, the both of you drinking each other in. Jungkook looks like he hasn’t gotten much sleep, eye bags dark and skin lackluster. You suppose you don’t look any better, knowing you barely got any sleep the past few days.

“Hi,” he finally says. You’re glad you have the long table separating the two of you. You don’t think your heart can handle being physically closer.

“Are you here for something?” you ask hesitantly.

“Can I…” He trails off, looking at the printer by the corner. You’d be laughing by now under normal circumstances. You nod instead, because it’s bizarre seeing Jungkook here asking if he can print something, which is something he liked to do back when your friendship was intact. The room is silent as you see him connect his laptop to the printer, both of you avoiding each other’s eyes. It’s too silent, actually, that it’s driving you a bit insane.

“How many pages?” you ask.

“Uhm… Fifty?” he says like he’s unsure.

“Fifty?” you repeat in a gasp. The printer is free, sure, but it’s ancient. Fifty pages will take too long and you don’t know if you can stand being in the room with him for half an hour or so.

Jungkook hands you the coffee he brought with him. “I bought you coffee as thanks.” He smiles ever so slightly and watches as you take a sip. Of course, it’s your usual order at the café down the street.

He looks at you expectantly but you’re too busy looking down at the coffee in your hands, too nervous to lock eyes with him. A few seconds later you hear him exhale and it’s just the sound of the printer in the room.

Your chest feels so tight all of a sudden like it’s ready to burst out of your ribcage any minute. It feels so heavy, so constricting that it’s starting to hurt physically. Is it really worth it harboring all this anger and pain? For conjuring up these theories in your head that will make you push him further away?

You shake your head to yourself and look up expecting to lock eyes with his, but his back is turned to you.

“Did you really mean what you said last week?” you blurt out.

Jungkook jumps in surprise and whips his body to face you, doe eyes wide. He looks surprised but he also looks relieved, and your heart breaks a little more seeing the relief cross his face the moment you talk to him.

He starts playing with the hem of his shirt absentmindedly. “I did,” he mumbles. “I mean every word I said, and I’m really sorry that everything had to turn out this way when I could’ve just been brave and confessed all those years ago.”

You nod your head at his words and process what he just said. Deep down you know you believe him, but it’s hard to keep that in mind when the hurt outweighs the truth. You look up at him with a sad smile on your face. “Why now, Kook? After all these years.”

He sighs and leans on the chair in front of him. You notice his shoulders deflate and his back hunch a little. He looks tired and you feel your own tiredness in your bones as well. “I was just scared. Us being friends was so comfortable and so good… I was just scared of things changing and me losing you.”

You bite your lip to stop yourself from crying. Looking to the side of the room to avoid his stare, you whisper, “And I know—” you choke on your words and clench your hands in frustration. “And I know I’m at fault as well—for assuming and pulling away once you got together with her. I had no right because we’re just…friends.”

It’s quiet save for the printer and his feet shuffling on the floor. You turn towards him to see Jungkook slowly walking to where you’re sat. Once he’s standing in front of you, he raises his hands towards your face but stops midway. Like he’s about to hold you but he’s hesitant.

You’re tilting your head to look up at him, eyes shiny with tears but lip turned upwards in a small smile. It’s ok, you mouth, because you don’t trust yourself to speak right now. You watch Jungkook hold your face in his hands, thumbs going behind your ears to rub at your skin slowly, fingers splayed on your cheeks to wipe your tears away.

He gathers your face in his hands, thumbs gently brushing the tears streaming down your cheeks. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers shakily. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so, so sorry.”

You nod your head absentmindedly, heart squeezing at the affectionate way he talks to you.

“I really am sorry,” he repeats. “I… Yeah, we’re just friends but I’d like to believe that we both just know. That you felt my love the same I’ve been feeling yours ever since. Even though we’re just friends. But…I know better now.”

You look at him confusingly and he looks away from you and smiles, his cheeks turning a light shade of red. You watch in silence as he plays with his lip piercing distractedly. Finally, he turns to you still with that smile on his face. His thumb starts playing with your lower lip but he’s looking at you with so much adoration in his eyes.

You’ve seen this look on him before, every time you’re with him, and now do you only realize that it’s a look full of love, desire, yearning.

“It’s scary if we do become something more and I end up losing you,” he starts, “but I’d rather live a life of at least knowing what it feels like to love you and be loved by you, than doing nothing at all.”

Tears are streaming down your face but you’re smiling so wide and Jungkook’s doing the same as well, with his nose even scrunching up and his dimples showing.

“I think it’s normal to feel scared,” you finally reply. “But I’d also rather live a life of us loving together than loving from afar.”

It’s silent for a moment as you and Jungkook stare at each other. He’s wiping off your tears which makes him cry a little more, so you wipe his tears next. You’re both crying now but with happy smiles on your faces and it prompts you both to laugh.

“We were kinda stupid, huh?” Jungkook says in between giggles.

You nod and giggle back. “A bit silly, yeah.”

“Can I kiss you?” he suddenly asks. Your heart starts racing and your palms get clammy. You start feeling nervous but it’s the good kind, finally getting to do something you’ve been anticipating, been waiting for ever since you realized your heart belonged to your best friend.

“Please,” you whisper.

Jungkook wastes no times in leaning forward, his grip on your cheeks tightening just a bit, pulling you upwards to meet his lips. Your lips finally touch and it steals your breath away. Quite literally.

Jungkook’s lips are soft, slots perfectly right in between yours. He kisses how he holds you—gentle and careful. Your heart skips a beat when you feel his tongue, and you grant his wish by opening your lips just slightly.

There are no fireworks or sparks or anything grand like that. Your heart suddenly feels calm and at ease. Like this is what you’re meant to do. It feels like coming home for the first time where everything feels right. You feel a great weight lift off your shoulders and you know you’ve made the right decision by choosing love.

Jungkook pulls back but only slightly so he can catch his breath. He keeps his forehead pressed against yours and when he speaks, you feel his lips move.

“I love you,” he whispers, and the way he looks at you with his eyes, like it holds so much love and adoration and it’s all for you. “Wish I said it sooner but I don’t want to think about that. Don’t want to live and continue on with regrets. I’m so happy to have you like this,” he whispers shakily. “So lucky to be able to love you like this.”

You kiss him again which causes him to smile so wide that his dimples pop out. “I love you too.” You giggle again. Saying it is so freeing and it feels so normal too. Not some grand epiphany or realization. Like you’ve known ever since. Like your heart has felt this way throughout your years of friendship with Jungkook and only now are you able to verbalize it. You know you’re lucky, too, to be able to have him in this way. But you don’t want to give too much credit to luck. You believe yours and Jungkook’s love were destined ever since.

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts #jungkook x reader #jungkook x oc #jungkook x you #jungkook fanfic #jungkook one shot #jungkook drabble #college jk #college jungkook #mine #writing #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts one shot #bts drabble #sab writes

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werewolfnightwalker · 4 months

Text

Author!Dabi; Part Two

Part One here!

Dabi pretended to forget about the book after a while. Hawks never really brought it up again, though Dabi caught him reading it every now and then.

Sometimes he called Dabi "Raven," to which Dabi replied, "Songbird," but that was it. He never confirmed or denied that it was his book, that he wrote, that contained dozens of poems that were dedicated to his hero. He didn't want to, nor did he need to, so he didn't say anything when he spotted even more books by T. T. Arrow show up on Hawks' bookshelf.

He did watch, though. Watched as the first book- Starless Night and Other Poems- was read again, and again, and again. Dabi watched the spine crack, the page corners get dog-eared, the dustcover begin to tear at the edges.

All from repeated rereads.

"Read any good books lately?" He asked Hawks casually as he saw the hero glancing at the worn tome again.

Hawks hummed, smiling to himself. "Yeah, been thinking about rereading my favorite, though."

His favorite. Not even the five stars and essay-length, raving reviews from critics gave Dabi the same warm, fluttery feeling as that simple statement.

Finally, on a rainy afternoon that had him cooped up in Hawks' apartment while the hero was napping, Dabi got up and approached the bookshelf. He tipped the book towards himself with a finger and pulled it out of its place, carrying it with both hands back to the couch.

He retook his seat and flipped it open, searching the front page for… something. A sign, maybe. A reason, an explanation as to why it was Hawks' favorite.

The pages whispered against each other as he turned to the first poem; Mountainside of Embers was the title. His eyes completely passed over the printed words, so nearly packed into their stanzas, as they zeroed in on the messy scrawls along the sides.

"I'm so sorry." It was written in Hawks' slanted, curly handwriting, next to the paragraph lamenting how hard it was to breathe with lungs full of ash.

"I would have dug you out of the ashes and carried you home." Was scribbled at the end, that compared the mountainside to a graveyard for a single child.

Dabi flipped to another poem quickly; Sleepyhead.

"I wouldn't have left your side." Hawks' pen strokes promised next to the story of a sleeping, yet lonely boy.

"And he woke alone, so alone. Second, he thought of hunger, but firstly thought of home."

The whole line was highlighted, underlined, with a scrawled note beside it: "Come home with me!"

That fluttering back in his stomach, Dabi turned the pages with trembling fingers. Poem after poem was highlighted, underlined, scribbled, and doodled by. Notes and comments filled the margins, filled Dabi's vision and chest.

He turned to the first poem he'd written for Hawks, Origami Butterflies, and quickly scanned to one of the middle stanzas:

"Take my sharp edges and fold me together. Make me something beautiful, something that lasts forever. Tuck me safe into your pocket, Into your heart, into your bag, or your locket. Cradle me in work-worn hands, Promise never to let go again."

Next to it, in red ink and in all capital letters, Hawks wrote, "I PROMISE!"

Swallowing against the tightness in his throat now, Dabi looked through a few more before he finally dared himself to look at their poem, Cage of Bone.

The first page was blank.

As was the second.

The third page, where the story of the raven and the songbird ended, only had a single note by the final stanza:

"Begging forgiveness, as towards dawn they flew, The raven sobbed, "I love you, I love you, I love you.""

The poem ended there, in black, printed ink. But the note, written in blue, added on:

"The song bird settled into raven's chest, into his cage, into his nest, And began to sing into the sunrise, "It's alright, raven, dry your eyes. I am swift, and I am strong, And it was always you who heard my song. My wings do ache, my back is sore, So I will rest with you a little more.

Don't weep, dear raven, for you see, When I'm in here, I am free. I will stay in this cage of bone, So you and I are not alone.

Be my wings, and I'll be your heart, Because from you, dear raven, I wish never to part. So you start the song, and I take my cue, To sing on for forever, "I love you, I love you, I love you, too.""

Dabi closed the book like it would fall apart in his hands, carrying back to the shelf and slotting it into its place with the reverence due a holy scripture.

Wiping the blood from his cheeks, he headed for the bedroom, to do just as his songbird, his heart, had said.

He never fully figured out why it was Hawks' favorite book. But when he looked down at his hero, asleep, his head on Dabi's chest, he realized he didn't need to.

Not when the sound of their heartbeats, the sound of their breathing, the sound of Hawks' wings fluttering and the sheets shuffling and bloody tears pattering off Dabi's chin-

Not when they made a symphony, a song, all their own, that sang more than a raven and songbird ever could.

End.

#conans writing #dabihawks #dabi #hawks #keigo takami #touya todoroki #mha dabi #toukei #mha hawks #bnha hawks #bnha dabi #long post #poetry

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t-thathandsomedevil · 6 months

Text

Day off || Lily Evans x fem! Reader

Author note <3

Hiiiiii Lily just has my heart like🙄 im in science class rn (im supposed to b playing blooket but it sucks dics)

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING GRYFFINDOR X READER LIKE I ONLY DO SLYTHERINS (and my first time doing marauders era)

I always accept corrective criticism, spelling correction, grammar correction, and requests.

I appreciate your support 💞

Sé onr sverdar sitija hvass!

-Arii💕

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

You were tired and your eyelids were heavy, but you ran your hand through your H/L H/C hair and turned your attention back to the piece of parchment in front of you, the lamp by its side casting it a warm glow.

You sighed and looked at the pages filled with writing, scribbling, and a few doodles in the corner, all written in black ink.

This is only two pages….. It should be five! You thought, sighing deeply and dipping your quill back into the ink.

Paragraph 4 — Werewolf lore, You wrote on your third piece of parchment, and though you only used two pages, your handwriting was small and if anyone else copied it onto their parchment, it would most likely take up five or six pages.

You scribbled with your quill for a few couple hours before your eyelids felt heavier than ever, like they were made of metal.

One more page… you thought encouragingly to yourself.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

“Y/N?”

You groaned and ignored the voice.

“Y/N?”

“Y/N!?” YOur eyelids fluttered open and you lifted your head abruptly, causing your vision to temporarily blur and your head to temporarily spin.

“Y/N, why were you sleeping in the common room with your quill?” Lily asked you with a look of concern on her face “Were you staying up to do your homework again?”

You flinched slightly as her tone suddenly went from worried to stern. “Uh” was the only thing you could say.

“Y/N, overworking is not good for you.” Lily said, knitting her eyebrows with a look of mingled concern and distress.

“It’s oka–”

“No, it's not!” Lily cut in, her eyebrows furrowed and a slight frown on her face “What time did you go to sleep, Y/N?”

You thought for a moment, biting your lip “I don’t know..”

Lily huffed and put her hands on her hips “You're not going to class today. I am going to get your absence excused and you will not do anything related to homework, school, or studying.”

YOu stared at Lily with a look of disbelief “But… My essay is due tomorrow and I only have four and a half pages done and I still have to do my essay for professor Slughorn and professor Dippet!”

Lily shook her head “No.”

You sighed and gave up trying to change Lily’s mind, since anyone who’s talked to her would know, if she decided on something, that decision is final and nobody can do anything to make her change her mind. “Okay. Fine.”

Lily’s expression became brighter immediately “Okay!” she said, beaming and pulling you up onto your feet.

You couldn’t help but smile at Lily’s adorableness. “Okay, Evans.” you said, rolling your eyes.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

You sat on your bed, your sketchbook in your lap, doodling absentmindedly.

“Y/N!” Lily plopped onto the bed next to you “What are you drawing?”

“Uh,” You looked down at your paper “I’m just doodling… you were gone for a while and I got bored.”

Lily laughed, “It wasn’t that long! It was only like twenty minutes!”

You smiled and rolled your eyes. “Twenty minutes is a long time when you're sitting on the floor doing nothing!”

Lily pulled a look of fake consideration “Yea, sure.”

You smiled and looked at Lily, your E/C eyes locking with Lily’s green ones for a split second before you looked away, feeling flustered for no reason. Get yourself together, Y/N. You silently chided yourself, ashamed of the butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

“You Okay?” Lily asked you, the smile slowly disappearing from her face, being replaced by a look of concern.

“Yea, I’m fine, just spaced out for a second.” You gave Lily a reassuring smile. “What do you want to do for the whole day without class?”

Lily’s smile reappeared immediately “I planned the whole day earlier!” She said excitedly, practically jumping with enthusiasm.

“How much earlier?”

“When I was walking to Professor Dumbledoor’s classroom.”

You sighed, a smile on your face “I’ll trust you planned well in like, five or less minutes.”

“I did, promise.”

You nodded and rolled your eyes “Okay, what’s the plan?”

Lily grinned and smiled coyly “It’s a surprise!”

“Humph.” You fake-glared at Lily “Fine. Don’t tell me.”

Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed your hand, hauling you up off the bed, causing your sketchbook to fall with a thud off your lap and onto the ground.

“Lilu!” You protested as the sketchbook lay open on the ground, showing a page on which you drew Lily’s smiling face.

Lily also stared at the book before saying: “You drew me in your sketchbook?”

You felt heat rush to your face. “Yes..”

Lily grinned “It’s really good!”

“It’s not that good, it’s just a sketch.” You said, rubbing your burning neck in embarrassment.

Lily laughed and patted your shoulder. “Come on, Y/N! You don’t have to be so modest all the time!”

YOu frowned “I’m not being modest! The sketch is not that good!”

Lily sighed “If you say so,”

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

You followed Lily through the deserted hallways, passing classrooms with class in session, making you feel a little uncomfortable, since you were so used to being one of the first people in the classroom.

Lily walked out of the door, holding it open for you as you followed her out.

“Where are we going?” You asked, jogging to keep up with Lily.

“It’s a surprise!” Lily said, spinning around once excitedly, smiling at you. “Close your eyes~”

You blinked and stared before closing your eyes. “Make sure I don’t bump into anything.”

“Okay!” Lily said. You felt her hand around yours and she pulled you behind her, walking slowly and carefully.

“You can open your eyes now!” Lily said after a few minutes of walking blindly.

You opened your eyes, the light blinding you at first, but as your eyes adapted to the light, you saw a pretty garden, a big water fountain and many multi-colored flowers, green grass cut neatly and small green shrubs lined up perfectly along the cut grass,

“Wow.” You said, looking at the garden with awe in your eyes.

“I know right!” Lily said excitedly, grinning and hopping up and down on her heels.

You nodded and took a second to admire Lily’s smile then turned your attention back to the colorful garden.

“Come onnnn!” Lily gushed, grabbing your hand again and pulling you to a small bench and sitting down. You sat down next to her.

“Why are we here?” You asked LIly after a few seconds of admiring the scenery.

Lily smiled and turned to you, her emerald green eyes gleaming, “It’s called mindfulness, Y/N.”

“Why mindfulness?”

“I think you need it,”

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever.”

Lily smiled. “Close your eyes and listen.”

“What?”

“Close your eyes and listen.”

“Why?”

“Just shut up and do it.”

You closed your eyes and listened to your surroundings, hearing the soft buzz of bees, and leaves rustling in the wind.

“What about it?”

“Just listen,” Lily said quietly “It’s called mindfulness.”

You sighed and listened again, thinking of nothing but the calming sounds around you.

After a few minutes of peaceful silence, you felt Lily’s hand on yours. “You can open your eyes now,”

You opened your eyes, feeling refreshed and calm. “I can’t believe that worked.”

Lily rolled her eyes “Do you not trust my mindful exercises?”

“It seemed stupid at first.” You admitted.

“Rude.”

“Whatever.”

Lily laughed and scooted closer to you with a coy smile.

You felt heat rush to your cheeks and your heartbeat quickened by six beats.

Lily noticed your blush and grinned “Why are you blushing?~”

You blushed harder “Uhm..”

LIly smirked “Hmm?”

“It’s- it’s just.. Hot out here, you know?”

“You sure?”

“Y-yea..”

“Mmm, It doesn't feel hot,”

“Maybe it’s just me.” You shrug.

“Look at me, Y/N.”

You turned and looked at Lily’s perfect face, her wavy red hair was flying in the soft morning breeze and her freckles were as perfect as ever, sprinkling her nose and cheeks.

“Yes?” You asked, locking your eyes with her’s.

Lily’s eyes flickered from your eyes to your lips and back to your eyes again in a second, and she smiled.

You tilted your head “Yes?” You repeated, ignoring Lily’s eyes flickering down to your lips from time to time.

“Can I kiss you?” LIly asked finally, looking at her knees, smiling shyly, and tucking her hair behind her ear.

“What?” You looked at Lily with a look of surprise. “Can you what?”

Lily looked up at you, her big green eyes sparking, “Can I kiss you?”

You looked at Lily then smiled “Okay, Evans.”

Lily’s face lit up and she smiled, caressing your forearm. “Thank you, Y/N” She whispered, moving her face closer to yours.

You blushed and put your hand softly onto her’s.

Lily put her hand on your hip and pressed her lips on yours, smiling.

The warm taste of chocolatey sweetness filled your mouth. Your hand went up Lily’s waist and to her neck, brushing your hand through her hair.

Lily pulled away after a few seconds, a warm blush sprinkling her freckled cheeks.

You smiled, also blushing lightly. “Wow..”

Lily grinned and stood up, holding her hand out for you and you took it, grinning.

“I’m going to take you somewhere else.”

“Where?”

“I told you! It’s a secret”

You rolled your eyes “Whatever.”

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estherdedlock · 2 years

Text

I admit it: I still don’t know what “Dark Academia” is. I’ve been deep into this for almost a year and I’ve watched all the video essays about it and looked at all the moodboards and read all the quotes and I still could not give you a quick, “elevator pitch” summary of what it is.

Now, I think Dark Academia is pretty easy to define when you’re talking about clothes, movies, or decor. I could probably put together a Dark Academia moodboard in five minutes, any of us could. But when it comes to books...that’s where things get cloudy. It seems to me that Dark Academia reading can pretty much be anything that gives you those DA feelings, however you define them.

So with that said, here are a couple of books I’ve read recently that could be categorized as Dark Academia. Some spoilers ahead, too.

* * * * * *

The first is Olivie Blake’s "BookTok sensation,” The Atlas Six, which is generally touted as pure, unequivocal Dark Academia. If you like DA, you’ve got to read this book, or so people say.

I’ll admit I’m only halfway through it and I went and spoiled myself on Goodreads to find out if the second half was going to be better than the first. It doesn’t appear that it will be, but I think I might slog through it anyway.

The setting is the magical Alexandria Society, where, once every decade, six potential new initiates are brought together to compete for lifetime membership.

I’ve seen TA6 compared to The Secret History here and there but there is literally no similarity at all. To me, this is not even Dark Academia. One of the characters even says to the new recruits: “This is not a school, and I am not your teacher.” And he’s right! It’s really more of a Survivor-type competition, where only five of the six will make the cut. It happens to take place in a library-ish setting, but Blake doesn’t seem interested in creating a broody, academic atmosphere. Quite the opposite, actually. Just a few chapters in, there’s a long, Jason Bourne-style action sequence in which the initiates have to fight a black ops team of trained assassins from the CIA, MI6, and Chinese intelligence. I don’t think you could get less Dark Academia than that! (It’s also a scene that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, because several of these characters just shouldn’t have these kinds of combat skills, even with magic, but whatever).

Most of the rest of the book is scheming. At least, the first 170 pages or so have essentially been nothing but scheming, with the characters trying to suss out each other’s skills, strengths, and weaknesses to form alliances. There are a great many internal monologues and a lot of hinting about people’s powers...you know, a lot of If they knew what she really was, what she was capable of... That sort of thing. This gets pretty annoying after a while. Just frigging tell me already. Most of the characters are quite flat. My favorite so far is a bit player, an amoral grifter of a mermaid who can bubble up through the plumbing. But I suspect I’m not going to see much more of her.

The book does boast one of the worst sentences I’ve ever read:

“Libby’s brow remained annoyingly lost to the span of her forehead.”

What does this mean? I think the author is trying to say that Libby raised her eyebrows to express exaggerated disbelief, but I’m honestly not sure. I know this book was originally self-published, but I don’t think an editor touched it before the traditional publisher re-issued it this year. The author actually has a weird obsession with Libby’s forehead in general, specifically, her bangs (or “fringe” -- the book is full of Britishisms, even though the author is American). In fact, Libby’s bangs seem to be her primary personality trait. Anyway, that’s all I have to say about The Atlas Six.

* * * * * *

The next book is The Holy Innocents, by Gilbert Adair. This book has an odd backstory because Adair wrote two different versions of it. He published the first in 1988. In 2003, it was made into a movie starring Eva Green, The Dreamers (and yes, I discovered this movie via Dark Academia moodboards because I’m just that garbagey sort of a person). Then, Adair rewrote his own book to function as a novelization of the movie and published it as The Dreamers. The one I read was the 1988, pre-movie, original version.

About two-thirds of this book was a dark, broody, aesthetic trip. A 19-year-old Californian, Matthew, goes to France in 1968 to study film. There, he meets two passionate and pretentious movie buffs, the 17-year-old twins Guillaume and Danielle. He winds up living with them in the great gloom of the Parisian apartment owned by their father, an eccentric poet. The lodgings are so expansive that the kids have their own, isolated wing of it called le quartier des enfants. All sorts of things are going on in le quartier des enfants. So far, so Dark Academic!

The twins’ parents go out of town, leaving the enfants to their own devices. That’s when things get really freaky. Imagine this: If Richard Papen moved in with Charles and Camilla and they completely cut themselves off from the rest of the world up in that attic apartment. For a while they just sit around in front of a roaring fire, listening to old records and acting out their favorite bits of Greek tragedy. One thing leads to another and then...they all start fucking. I mean, they’re all fucking. A lot. It’s very filthy but also very atmospheric and aesthetic and dark, dark, dark.

The book gets even darker and more aesthetic when the erotic teenage trio decamps to Normandy for a stay in the decaying château owned by the twins’ clueless grandmother. This unfortunately didn’t last long enough. Upon their return to Paris, shit gets even weirder. I use the word “shit” deliberately. There is literal shit involved.

Adair invests a lot of energy in hinting, repeatedly, that these kids are going to keep descending into a hell of their own making until something truly terrible happens. What happens is that things get pretty gross. I began wondering if I was just reading some guy’s sex fantasies about polyamorous teenagers.

Then, in the last 20 pages or so, The Holy Innocents becomes a completely different book! The kids are roused from their surreal sex fugue by the student uprising of May 1968! They rush out into the streets to man the barricades Les Miz-style! It’s one of the biggest, whiplash what the fucks I’ve ever encountered in a book.

I understand that the movie (and I suppose, Adair’s novelization of the movie) diverged quite a lot from the original novel, and I can see why. This isn’t really a novel at all. It’s more like a lengthy short story with no real beginning, middle, or end. A series of atmospheric, erotic vignettes that seem to be leading to some great personal cataclysm. The last thing I expected was a sudden burst of 1960s youthquake activism.

So, Dark Academically speaking, I can recommend about the first two-thirds of The Holy Innocents, for the atmosphere, provided the sex doesn’t put you off. The last third, I’d say...proceed at your own risk. And maybe not on a full stomach.

Ugh, I apologize for the rambling length of this. I’m afraid I’m avoiding other things that I’m supposed to be doing.

#dark academia #the holy innocents #the atlas six #the secret history #olivie blake #gilbert adair #the dreamers 2003

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gunsli-01 · 1 year

Text

Alright, let's get this set up in a somewhat digestible format. While also testing the waters. For people looking for more Mikoto info in particular this has some stuff on him within it but mostly gives a clearer idea on my experience with Milgram so far. Along with me being slightly unhinged. Soooo...woohoo...

Here's the set up. The next post will be the beginning of an in depth analysis of the two Celtic spreads found in MeMe. We will not only be analyzing them but delving into visual spin Mikoto put on the classic tarot cards with some insights his changes to them give us on his character.

There are two sets of ten cards. The first post on this will go over the first five cards in the first spread the second will finish off the first and give an overall interpretation of the reading. Then the same will be done with spread two. After we finish that then I’ll be attempting to break down the series of murders shown throughout MeMe.

Lastly, and my favorite part. We’ll finally be going over Mikoto’s character as a whole. Along with me just generally getting to talk about him without putting him beneath a microscope. Which I haven't gotten to do in weeks and still can't cause I'm stuck in tarot hell.

For those who don't read all of this and skip straight to the tarot I at least want to highlight and reiterate one part from here:

The point of Milgram is testing limits at any point these characters can do something that will make even their most devoted fans turn on them and I think the fandom should be open to having their opinions change and develop over the course of this.

So, here's post 1. I will link the beginning of the tarot interpretation here when it's up.

So, when I started writing what has to be the longest character analysis essay, I've ever written... I remember in December when I was like yeah I can crank out a few pages on Mikoto it won't be that difficult I can get this done by new years. I've already gone through the tarot once too what's a second time typed up gonna do? Maybe even before Mu's song.

I was wrong. But back when I was young, hopeful, well rested, and happier. I wrote something of a Preface. Just to explain all of my biases up front and let people form an opinion on if they wanted to take anything I said on this seriously or not. What comes after this part is that Preface.

Okay, so this is going to probably seem insane, but I might as well get it out of the way just to break in the new year putting my best foot forward. Yes, this is my best foot forward. Now Mikoto has a lot of diehard fans and detractors for some reason…How can such a normal guy be so controversial? Really unlucky… Honestly. Because of his popularity I’m a bit nervous to put out anything on him even though he is my favorite. Believe it or not I can get shy when talking about things I genuinely like a lot because I don’t know how it’ll be perceived, and I can get very, very critical when I like something.

It is not a normal like situation. It doesn’t go I like you; you could do anything, and I wouldn’t care. It goes OH, YOU UNLUCKY BASTARD! YOU’VE CAUGHT MY ATTENTION I SHALL NOW EXPOSE YOU TO THE WORLD! IF ANYTHING, BAD HAPPENS TO YOU IT IS LIABLE TO BE BY MY HAND! I well wade through the façade to find the truth I’m seeking knowledge, I’m seeking your identity, I want to dive deeper.

Don’t misunderstand- It’s just natural to want to know everything about the person you like and get all torn up inside because you never can. That’s just love isn’t it~ Ahh it’s an incredibly damning feeling that love, the idea of soulmates all that trite nonsense. Because when people aggrandize others, they usually end up wanting to pull them down to their level. That sort of sadistic thing is just as much a part of love. The adult world is so cruel that way.

As such I’m going to do my very best to tear this man to shreds lovingly, okay?

So, let’s start with some context did I love Mikoto immediately? Was I like innocent he just has to be? He’s just so good looking he can’t fail, lol. Okay, to be honest when I got here, I thought Kazui was so good-looking cause of his broad shoulders that when watching Undercover and seeing the flash throughs with Star I went that’s Kazui I know those shoulders anywhere. Got damn he looks like he gives good hugs those shoulders…

Also, I like sorry cowards my apologies for the disappointment but when I saw Mikoto in MeMe I willfully ignored him. I had a visceral response to his song telling Star I hated it and never wanted to see him or hear it again. While also going he clearly killed three people… in an obviously premeditated way as well. So, yeah guilty. Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just not interested I’ll leave that to the people who are.

I came in around Amane’s first trial… Soooo I very much could’ve voted on Mikoto, but I just did not want to look at him at all. Actually, I still don’t know why that was, but he made me uncomfortable and annoyed. Despite his video involving multiple things I very much love baths, tarot cards, clouds, water, records, baseball bats… Hell even his song was a genre of music I’m partial too. Like jeez in retrospect I really don’t know.

I just did not want to even think about him, so I didn’t. That changed when YouTube recommended me an English cover of his first song, and I was like now hold on… Those Sisters You Know really did a good job on that lyrics wise. Like it just hit different okay. I was listening to that cover every day having first job flashbacks and wondering huh why did I hate this guy again this is a complete mood actually.

After that I fell into an over analyzing loop for several months. Before I had pulled a nothing to see here and once we do that my brain just deletes the information since it’s been deemed irrelevant. Incredibly convenient skill to have. Yet, as it piqued my interest music wise, I was like well hold on…I have to know everything about this specifically now. Something that none of the Milgram characters had managed to achieve at that point.

To an extent I was pretty much like there’s nothing to see here at all when I was dragged into Milgram by Star. She showed me Mahiru’s first trial song like I really just want you to see this one and my immediate response was, “Are you trying to say something about me?!” We’ve been partners for years and this is what you lob at me what are you getting at? To which she had to dryly explain no I just think she’s neat and you love mystery things and putting together stuff so I wanted your opinion on what you think is going on here.

Then I got a rundown of the situation and was like ah okay. Then went through one through six giving all my thoughts on what they did and how I would’ve voted if I was there as she explained the results. I was surprised to hear from Star that none of the things I was saying to her had come up in the fandom as far as she saw.

As Star showed me Milgram my experience was basically

Weakness: Guilty. Committed murder for attention. Next.

Later down the line I asked Star about the reasoning behind Haruka’s trial one Innocent Verdict. It was after we watched Bring It On and she told me about Futa’s verdict. I needed to understand why Haruka was voted Innocent/Forgiven but Futa was not. Weirdly long before Futa asked us that same question in Back Draft. Why did Haruka of all people get a pass when we see him kill directly? That was the first thing that piqued my interest.

However, I was pretty disappointed by the answer Star provided and maybe to some people this will seem like a reduction of the actual reason behind prevailing consensus. Yet, what I gathered from her explanation was that he was voted innocent due to Autism. Particularly, people assuming he had a learning disability the most speculated one being Autism. Now, my response to this information was to go, um…that’s ableist right? Like, just because it’s helpful to him in this circumstance does not mean ableism isn’t present.

That’s just infantilizing and belittling his intelligence. Having a learning disability doesn’t suddenly exempt a person from knowing murder is wrong. It’s the same as using a person’s age as an excuse. Made even funnier that Haruka is treated more like a child than the literal child is. So…it’s not like that interpretation is that far off or difficult to get to. Plus, do people even critically engage with who benefits from these sorts of excuses and when they’re extended?

Because they aren’t applied indiscriminately. A perfect example of this in Japanese media in particular comes from something else Star and I were watching when she recommended Milgram. Higurashi Sotsu and the character Satoko a lot of people in that fandom got angry and found the concept that Satoko would become a villain all because she had a difficult time studying insane. Like she should have just studied harder ignoring everything else that occurred in Gou and Sotsu up until that point.

Even some going as far as creating a completely different reason for her actions. Because having trouble focusing, studying, and being ostracized in a new environment after being taken away from the people and things that brought you comfort weren’t good enough reasons. Ryukushi-07 also has a tendency to write about neurodivergent coded characters like Maria in Umineko and Satoko herself can be considered coded that way through sotsu and gou. The excuse extended to Haruka in trial one was definitely not extended to her by the Higurashi fandom.

So, it’s not surprising that same courtesy was retracted in trial 2. Sorry, to rain on your parade but disabled people of color from any minority group are not extended those same benefits of the doubt and rarely have their impairments or age taken into consideration if they even reach a trial. So, this is when I went oh well people are gonna people glad to see some things still haven’t changed. This is what Milgram’s bias looks like. It’s almost a perfect reflection of the performatively politically correct space we live under today and highlights the pervasive biases that continue to disenfranchise many that go overlooked.

All we’re missing is overt ableism, racism, and sexism disguised as feminism and we’d have everything that’s wrong with performative morality. (Star just informed me one of these things is just Yuno.) So, my interest was piqued around here but mostly from a sociological standpoint.

Yet, I was mostly ticked off. Media is supposed to be a form of escapism for many people and I found a lot of the issues that people usually use media to escape from pulled to the forefront in Milgram through its voting system. I came in and was like this series probably isn’t saying a damn thing special. Reluctantly after telling Star I wouldn’t watch it multiple times because well I was a mad at her and she kept asking. I had every reason to hate this series given what was going on around our relationship at the time she presented it to me and didn’t really think taking something lightly could end up saying a great deal about society as whole.

Umblical: Guilty. It was clear to me from the very first video that she attempted to entrap someone in a relationship through the use of a pregnancy then committed murder when that failed. Possibly multiple times.

Later, Star told me people assumed she got an abortion. Because the woman that was clearly in a sector of sex work knew nothing about contraception. That and she may have had family issues. I said oh so they thought she was stupid. That’s insulting and then people continued to think she was stupid. So, some things never change but my opinion of her did. She’s the only person here with a consistent character and seems to be incredibly considerate but not hesitant to go after the things she wants by any means necessary. I find that endearing and respectable and really wish she’d get a 50/50 since regardless of what she did I respect her want for us not to give our opinion on it.

It’s only polite to shut up and say nothing when no one asked you to speak. Yuno not only never asked us to speak but openly asked us not to. Her character description even states she dislikes being psychoanalyzed. She sort of reminds me of Kotono Kashiwaba from Caligula Effect but I can’t really figure out why yet. I haven’t finished the game at this point and right now we’re only up to Ike-P but I just get that feeling.

Bring It On: Innocent due to lack of information. I haven’t seen a murder. I don’t know what happened here. Having a flop Twitter account and making callouts is not murder or a crime at all. So, innocent. Then Star tells me the actual outcome and the reasoning behind it and this is when I start to get a bit heated.

Basically, went what do you mean guilty on the grounds of his actions allegedly leading to someone taking their own life??? Because they were just involved in someone’s death. It doesn’t say they directly caused them to die which means indirect involvement is on the table. Ha, ha, oh my fucking god that’s rich considering the dude that clearly killed a dog and a child was given a pass. Did that with his whole chest but he’s good. Alright, alright… I literally went back and pointed out all the kills Haruka was directly responsible for in his first mv going but this was passable. At that point don’t even try to justify it just say you don’t like Futa that’s less insulting.

Like I discussed in the part on Weakness I found this way of thinking inherently unfair. The benefit of the doubt and consideration extended to Haruka was completely absent for Futa. A lot of people want to say this is because he didn’t appear sorry. But, what gives others the right to decide when someone is really sorry or not. Futa’s entire voice drama goes into how you can’t tell how someone is feeling or what they’re thinking based on how they behave outwardly alone and that’s all anyone did when it came to him.

Not many people extended that same courtesy or empathy. They didn’t attempt to look deeper because no one cared to and that’s sad. Start didn’t see anyone go hey that’s clearly a kid with anxiety who’s attempting to garner validation through social media possibly due to a lack of external validation in his actual life. Something tackled in the writer’s previous game Caligula Effect Overdose with the character Naruko Morita. Who does the same sort of things Futa does if not worse. Because she literally outs a trans person on social media, takes pictures of people without their knowledge, and looks up someone work application to then go oh they’re not as good looking in real life let’s tell their fans so they no longer like this musician.

Like these are things she does repeatedly throughout the game. She is a terrible person and in the game she’s your teammate. She has a social link and reasons for the way she behaves. She’s obnoxious, annoying, egotistic, inconsiderate, a snoop, has an aversion to criticism, low self-esteem, and is easily dissuaded from doing things she enjoys if it’s not immediately praised or faced with scrutiny.

She goes out to eat popular limited time items at shops just to post food reviews about it after one bite. She doesn’t even post her own opinion on it at times but instead goes by reviews others have left already while giving a little bit of a different perspective but not really. Then if you say no to her being on the team because she basically airs out your entire organization on social media for likes, so everyone now knows who you are, what you look like, your name and all of your teammates information you’re treated like the heartless asshole.

Hm, it’s like she doxed you and it has real life repercussions and makes your life harder. It continues to make the lives of everyone she does this to harder and in instances is retraumatizing for many of them. All I’m saying is if you play this game and end up liking her but still hate Futa then you don’t dislike doxing you just hate men. Point blank. At which point I hope you enjoy Ayana.

After Pain: Guilty, I didn’t and still do not believe she’s sorry. Plus, the person she killed was uninvolved. When Star told me she was voted Innocent. Well, I couldn’t really say I was surprised given certain universal truths but- When she explained it was because people were saying it’s because she’s clearly a lesbian and that person she stabbed told everyone she was which led to her bullying.

I kind of went well isn’t that sort of justifying someone getting murdered or in blunter terms just victim blaming. Even if the victim did do that which I’m doubtful of that does not justify murder. Like people really immediately went we trust Mu she’s a victim now what did this clearly evil girl do to deserve to get stabbed, huh?! I found that kind of odd, I wouldn’t want anyone thinking that about me or anyone I love if they were murdered. Plus, given the circumstances I grew up under it’s very common to see that sort of mindset pushed on specific types of victims of brutal crimes. Just saying; it’s really not interrogated often enough who the whole what did they do to deserve it mentality benefits and hurts.

Ultimately, I found the whole concept kind of cruel. However, I guess as we’ve learned Es is the sort of Guard that abhors a person doing something that may have inadvertently led to someone taking their own life more than very purposefully taking someone else’s life with your own two hands. Taking into consideration the response seen in the English speaking part of the fandom this mindset is showcased twice throughout the first trial with the only noticeable outlier being Kazui.

Throw Down: Guilty he asked to be voted that and I respected it. Also, he was organ harvesting from his patients. Like what? Innocent is this some reverse psychology nonsense well okay at least he already feels bad.

This is how to be in love with you: Innocent due to lack of information. I can’t punish someone for something I do not understand I genuinely don’t know what she did. I assume she poisoned someone since she works as a florist, cooks, and mentioned herbal remedies. However, I just knew too little at the time.

What do you mean they thought she was so clingy her partner committed suicide, so she was voted guilty? I’m sorry so what I’m understanding is stabbing a woman in cold blood is okay but indirectly causing someone to end their life through social error is a irredeemable sin? That last girl stabbed another one purposely and that first guy killed a dog and kid-

Half: Guilty but also- That dudes incredibly good looking and has nice broad shoulders that is certainly an impressive physical build look at him in that uniform- Hears the song oh my god he’s an emotionally unavailable and dishonest coward too just my type! Guilty I know in my heart what he did was fucked up but got damn I’m hoping it’s fucked up at this point- not me literally getting chills at the let’s make it victim and assailant line in Cat like boy howdy don’t say such things oh no. Is this how people feel when Yuno says Come Marco I’ll Polo?

It certainly doesn’t help that Kazui’s demeanor and communication habits remind me a lot of Star and I end up feeling a little bad for him but slightly want to watch him squirm as well. Truly, it’s the emotionally unavailable quiet ones you gotta be careful with. They have such intense emotions but they hold them back to the point they can’t express them and then the right person pushes and boom it’s like a pistol accidentally discharging. People who bottle up their emotions like that for as long as it seems he has well when they blow a gasket it’s like a volcano and I want to be in lava range.

Innocent I- well I’m fine with this you saw that up there you know why I'm fine with it we don't have to talk about it but like why??? Because they believe he’s gay and was in a very loveless and performative marriage while also assuming his actions just led to his partner committing suicide or an accidental death. Wait why is that okay here but with the other two it’s not… It’s cause he’s hot and seemingly pathetic ain’t it? Lol, that dude is not as weak as he presents but have fun with that when it comes up I suppose. Good liar my ass...

Magic: Guilty even asked Star to vote on it. So, I was made aware of how to vote at this time. This was not because I want her to be punished but I didn’t believe anything could be solved through agreeing with her and I honestly don’t think agreeing with her will solve anything now either, but it will maybe stop her from getting jumped. Maybe? Though I’m unsure about that because Kotoko has jumped people who were pardoned before sooo... That and Amane told us not to treat her like a child.

I believe it’s a bit unfair or shortsighted of her to ask us to respect her agency in her own life, that she chose to make these decisions, and yet at the same time ask to not be held accountable for them if we feel her behavior was wrong because she answers to a higher power. Her mindset on her killing and being considered a murderer highlight her immaturity to me. Those aren’t two separate things but childishly and stubbornly she attests that they are. Being an adult is recognizing that regardless of if you had a good reason, or a higher law you abide by other adults don’t need to care about those things when judging you they can just objectively judge the actions you took. It truly is that simple. To me it just seems like she didn’t really know what she was asking for when she said that. Like she equates being an adult with gaining respect but it's more than just that.

Amane’s situation really reminds me of that song by Maaya Sakamoto More than Words, particularly these lines, “Isn’t freedom painful? I’ve become an adult, haven’t I?” “Isn’t freedom painful? I’m now alone, aren’t I?” “Isn’t freedom painful? Endlessly so…” Because a lot about being an adult is being able to stand on your own by the decisions you choose. The respect you get from others is fickle at best and never really equates to understanding or empathy. In a way as we age, we become more and more emotionally isolated when it comes to social communication and consideration. Because the patience and consideration that is frequently extended to children is not given to adults since they’re meant to know better by then and not need that sort of care.

Adults have the freedom to make their own choices and have that agency recognized. However, many times that agency we yearned for so badly is weaponized against us in small and insidious ways. Causing adults to become more emotionally closed off, socially defensive, or calculating. An adult would never ask to have their choices looked at while taking into account that they chose to do those things they’d simply tell the person accusing them to figure out why they did it or take into consideration their circumstances. Not pull a don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. They would know that their main focus should be endearing themselves by any means necessary like Mu attempts to do or lean on their legal rights.

So, I really feel like Amane was her own worse advocate during trial one and it ended up biting her in the butt. Also, another song that I feel properly exemplifies that feeling of emotional isolation one faces with age but isn’t as somber I think is “Love I need” by The Living Tombstone.

MeMe: Abstained due to a vague sense of hatred. I literally told Star to never show this to me again and not to bring him up I don’t have an opinion, I don’t care, I’m glad that’s over was my immediate reaction to MeMe. [Star: She said that she didn’t like the song, him as a character, and it was obvious that he committed several murders. So, there was nothing left to look into.] Afterwards I promptly deleted the information from memory until finding that cover song.

Harrow: Guilty she literally did the same thing Futa did just in a more direct way. She also seemed to jump people who had already been put on trial and had a decision on their actions handed down. Even openly said apologizing meant nothing. I’d rather give a pass to the person who says just say sorry then the one who goes lol it doesn’t matter if you try to make amends now no second chances ever once a bad guy always a bad guy.

I put all this to show that even before I was actively posting Milgram stuff on here. I did have opinions on all this that have only developed over time. As much as I came out swinging in the oh I really like Mikoto camp. I really did not want to see this dudes face when I first saw him. Like I feel as though I’m being a bit of a broken record. I said the same with Haruka. Yet, with Mikoto there was a bit of hatred there. Like a knee-jerk reaction that I couldn’t even pinpoint and didn’t want to interact with. Something, I still don’t really have an explanation for.

Even still before this I was spending months talking to Star over the phone sifting through the music videos reading the conversations and literally burning out all my investigative skills on it. Something I believe she knew I’d do when she brought it to my attention and asked, “What do you think happened here?”

Now here I am trying to churn out an entire essay on the guy. Certain characters can grow on you. However, with Milgram there’s this feeling that such a fondness like that can be broken. The point is testing limits at any point these characters can do something that will make even their most devoted fans turn on them and I think the fandom should be open to have their opinions change and develop over the course of this.

I feel like being shut off, isolated or just stubborn about one’s own opinion is unfair to the social experiment aspect Milgram is trying to pursue. That’s just me personally. I really hope that by the end of this there is interesting data collected. We can vote any way we want at the end of the day. Not everyone has to take into consideration what the characters did or how bad it is objectively.

Yet, for people to trick themselves into believing the vote doesn’t matter, this is all in good fun, and no one will be held accountable for the outcome in any way is negligent and blatant denial. The verdicts have a direct impact on the sort of place Milgram is currently and could become. It's a direct reflection of the will of the fanbase. If we vote a certain way the creators take that into consideration. They seem to not just take the winning verdict into consideration but pay attention to responses from both sides overall. They’re paying attention. So, it’s incredibly short sighted to assume our collective judgement regardless of how you vote or if you chose not to doesn’t reflect on the entire fanbase in some way.

I’m not saying this to be a Debby Downer or go really interrogate why you’re voting this way. I’m saying all this to get one point across if you’re going to vote seeped in bias the least you can do is express what those biases are in your own unique way. That’s what will make this all the more fun for everyone. I don’t care if you choose to vote guilty, innocent, or abstain, but at least vocalize why that is. Especially for people choosing to abstain since that’s more difficult to gauge since it is just not an option and the closest thing to abstaining would be attempting to get a fifty/fifty.

I know not everyone is willing to be that out there with their feelings and that sort of thing isn’t fun for everyone. Though even just discussing it privately with friends, people you trust and feel comfortable around is enough. All I want personally is for people regardless of how or why they vote to look at these characters for what they are and give them the opportunity to surprise you outside of your personal opinions like with actual people. All these characters will probably disappoint someone at a point but I feel like if you keep a healthy sense of realism and treat them in an unidealized way that will help in not causing resentments towards the series or the people who work on it down the line.

Some of these resentments are already present in the fandom and being used to create a reflection of the writer that could be wholly inaccurate. Personally, I don’t find that sort of approach to be fun or fair. However, it very well could be to some. Yet, at times I find it incredibly disheartening to see. My hopes in writing all of this and thoroughly attempting to analyze my fluctuating feelings on Mikoto may tackle why that is in some way. Even if the problem isn’t firmly rooted within the interpretations around his character but extends to the entire cast.

Though it’s like Jackalope said he certainly did cause a bit of trouble.

I hope this has been a good prelude of what’s to come and helped whoever may have read this far better understand my personal perspective on Milgram. This post didn’t focus on Mikoto as heavily as I would have wished but served to properly build an understanding of what one may be getting into when it comes to my analysis of his character.

I hope by displaying my biases and feelings on all the characters that one can decide whether reading what comes after this is for them or not. Regardless of if you continue to read or go back to this post from the ones that precede it, I appreciate you reading my ramblings.

#milgram #kayano mikoto #yes it's in parts i'm sorry

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inf0dump · 1 year

Text

My Creepypasta AU That I Like Too Much ft. A Block of Text

It's been four years. Four goddamn years since I came up with this concept. That concept being re-designing and re-writing the creepypasta stories that I grew up with, i.e., Eyeless Jack, Jeff the Killer, Ticci Toby, etc.

It is just now that I know what to do with it, but I don't know how or where to put it. It's difficult to figure all of this stuff out because I've changed so much of it. I've changed last names, personalities, aesthetics, so a name within the fandom doesn't mean the same thing anymore.

I feel like it doesn't belong on fanfiction websites, but it's not my own thing either. I just really hyper fixated on it for many years, taking bits and pieces of information from the first stories and logging it into my really long fanfiction. To the point where it doesn't feel like fanfiction anymore. Has that ever happened?

I don't want to change the names because I love these re-designed characters with these specific names, and I have a hard time with change. It's in my nature. And I also want to express that I love where it came from (but not who it came from, dear god). I love the place and most of the people that are in this fandom because creepypasta people from the late 2000's, early 2010's, are really cool to me.

And I'm very nervous to share what I've made because of experiences in the past with the things I'm really passionate about, because I will sometimes ask stupid questions. At least I've been told they're stupid questions. But I get really invested in the things I really like, and I want to know everything and interact with other people. I'm so desperate to interact with other people and through the things I enjoy is the only way I know how to.

This may be a lot of infodumping, but that's what I'm good at. And we're just getting started. I feel like I should take this blog in the direction of information spilling and infodumping. I changed my name to that and infodumping is practically my love language. I do it to my girlfriend and my family, and if I were to have a group of friends I would also do it to them if they would let me.

ANYWAY, this is about a completely different thing, you're probably not reading this to hear about my social struggles as an autistic (but I will happily infodump about any questions anyone has because autism is a hyper fixation as well), so let's move onto the creepypasta AU stuff, or the title: The Abyss.

The Abyss is a mix of genres. There's a horror aspect, there's comedy (or at least, what I think is funny), there's drama, there's young adult aspects, mature aspects, some romance, there's probably more. It started as an idea for a comic series, and then I realized, I can only draw people and animals. I can't draw backgrounds or architecture. Honestly, I can barely draw a full-bodied person. I've been drawing for a long time, and it's always been living things, so the comic idea was, WOOSH, out the window.

Then I realized that I have been writing fanfiction for seven years and have been told that I'm talented as a writer. Not much of a reader, but I was in grade school, and then I discovered Wattpad in fifth-sixth grade. I write a whole bunch. I wrote a twenty-something page first chapter for a Five Nights at Freddy's universe that I published on AO3, then a month or so later, deleted it because I believed I could do better.

I'm able to write non-fiction pretty effectively, especially when it's topics I enjoy. I wrote a high school essay in my sophomore year about villain archetypes in books and movies and which one was the most realistic to reality. I don't remember the conclusion. I finished the essay a week before it was to be submitted and so I had nothing to do in my English class except twiddle my thumbs.

For this creepypasta AU project in particular, those four years was spent doing various research on race, ethnicity, culture, disabilities, religion, mental health, demonology, and other subjects that would help to make this world and these characters more believable and representative of the world that we live in. Representation is an important factor to me.

I've had multiple experiences with wanting to see my own type of person in what I love, and I know that other people would want to see that too. Especially in creepypasta. A lot of creepypasta is white anime boys.

I was diagnosed with severe Tourette's Syndrome (TS) last year after suffering for a year a with saying things that I didn't mean, or doing things that I couldn't control, and it affected my mental health severely. I couldn't get out of bed and when you act like that, people laugh at you. Sure, it can be funny, some of the things I say or do, but there's a level of anxiety that unrealistically high. Especially when it comes to that Tourettic OCD side of things. When it tells me "You're going to say this" and I have to fight in order to keep words or movements down.

I confided myself in a re-design of Toby. Toby is the problematic Tourettic representation that I had at that point in time. And I hated that. It wasn't problematic for me in the sense that he would swear, or he would do something taboo in front of people. He was problematic for me in the sense that what he had wasn't Tourette's. It was speech impediment. At least, that's how I remember it, correct me if I'm wrong.

If you are a person, you want to be recognized as a person. There are people that are social anxious to the point that they don't want to be perceived, but you still need to treat them with respect. I've always been taught that people will respect you if you respect them. That's not always true, but it's a positive way to live. To think, 'I'm going to respect this person in whatever form their respect looks like.' That could be respecting their religion, their culture, their gender, their sexuality, their form of expression.

Some people may be wrong in the way that they want respect. They could hurt people; they do not respect another person or a group of people. But they deserve respect because they are a human being. If they aren't going to get respect from you, they will get respect from others, that's how it works. If you don't like a politician, don't respect them in the slightest, they are still going to get respect from other people. That's what I mean. You don't have to respect everyone; it is up to you and up to other people who deserves approval.

You don't have to like anyone. For example, the creator of Ticci Toby, Kastoway, does not have my respect. That is my opinion. They don't deserve my respect and support.

That's part of the reason that I re-designed and re-wrote in the first place. I don't like Kastoway. Toby was the first character that I re-designed. I designed him to be my own representation, and then he took over.

Toby has been renamed to: Tobias (Toby) Goldberg (It feels a little strange publishing that name for other people that's not my girlfriend to see). Toby is my personal favorite. Toby is fifteen (15) when the story starts, he has severe Tourette's Syndrome, severe ADHD, OCD, and is autistic. He's the type of autistic that really likes cats and everything to do with cats. Toby is also high-risk to be a pyromaniac, which is an impulse disorder, and he can't be formally diagnosed yet because he's not eighteen (18) years old.

Toby is incredibly tiny for his age (4'9) because of pregnancy complications, underweight because of medication, and he's Jewish-Italian-American. He lives in the Bronx borough of New York City, has a very thick Bronx accent, a mess of freckles, his Italian grandfather thick, too big to fit his face, tortoiseshell-colored glasses, and very thick, curly, shoulder-length red hair that kind of looks like a wolf-cut, but it sticks out all over the place.

I feel like I shouldn't spoil his backstory, but it's very sad and very triggering. Speaking of triggers, there's a whole lot in here because characters need to suffer, but you shouldn't. Take care of your mental health. Mental health is extremely important.

If anyone has any specific triggers I should now about, let me know. This story is both realistic horror and fantastical horror, which basically means there's the fun horror (fantastical horror) and the devastating horror (realistic horror).

If there's any questions about specific characters, or the question 'what atrocities have you done to my favorite character?' comes up, don't worry, just ask me. And if it's a character that I have never heard of, I will do research on the character and maybe your favorite will make an appearance.

Toby's and Cody's (X-Virus) re-designs are maybe the favorites that I have. But now, we move onto the plot of this whole thing. If you've been waiting for the plot, thank you for sticking around!

The plot of The Abyss is very vague, it's more the description of a place. I was originally going to commit to an episodic structure for the comic, but now, if I'm going to be posting this to AO3, then it absolutely has to have a chapter structure. But if I might be posting the chapters only to here, then I might go back to the episodic structure.

The Abyss is about a group, a main cast, of people, featuring Jeffrey, Tim, Brian, Ben, Cody, Toby, and Sally in Book One (five books in total) living in an alternate plane of existence called the Abyssal Plane, or the Abyss, which is ruled over by a demon that they called the Emperor. The Emperor is tall, faceless, and wears the skin of whatever would fool a person the most effectively.

Their job in the Abyss is to provide retribution to those that the Emperor feels deserves it. Retribution means death. Each person has their own style of carrying out their job when they go on missions. We follow each of these main characters throughout their lives and struggles in and outside of the Abyss, so I guess it's also like slice of life in a sense.

The issue I find that I stated before, is that I feel like I've changed the characters too much in order for it to still be considered fanfiction. I fear that no one will be able to recognize these characters, the only thing I have not changed is first name and some design choices. That's why I have labeled it an AU, an alternate universe.

And another thing, I still have some learning to do, especially when it comes to people of whom I do not share experience with. I've done research, but there's only so much research that you can do that is not talking to people of different cultures, different races, different ethnicities, and I am horrible with talking to people. I fake it till I make it.

If anybody has any details with their life that is outside of my experience, I would love to hear about it. I love learning about people, all kinds of people. Even if it's information that I need repeated to me, repetition is important.

Thanks for reading, I would appreciate constructive criticism, feedback, and interaction. This is my favorite thing to do: talk about what I'm passionate about. Please tell me what you're passionate about!

#creepypasta #alternate universe #fanfiction #writerscommunity #actually autistic #actually tourettic #special interest #about writing #character redesign #jeff the killer #eyeless jack #please help #ticci toby

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redinbluee · 10 months

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Ranting about my GCSES for the billionth time on my blog

I finished my GCSES, I'm so happy they are done but I'm absolutely terrified for results day. i find it difficult to judge whether I did good or bad in an exam as my brain loves to be a little delulu and trick me , so i really don't know how to feel.

I'm sure i'll def get a 9 for art becoz I got marked 190/192 for the entire thing which I am so fucking happy about, but I'm scared for the other subjects.

I previously set a goal that I had to get seven 9s out of 10 GCSES, but now I'm really beginning to doubt myself

I got 9s for five subjects in my mocks and I'm scared that I might even do worse than my mocks as I am currently feeling less confident about my real exams than my mocks, which I'm quite sad about

Generally, I tend to get 9s in sciences but I barely scrape the grade boundary every time. I am scared for physics- (especially) as I think I messed up on paper 1. (I do IGCSE edexel) I will also have to pray that the bio mark scheme will not nonsensical bs this year

But what I'm truly terrified about is maths (edexcel IGCSE) and geography (AQA). I fucked up maths paper 1 and I only got 1 end question completely right, I think I got half marks for two others. Not only that, I rushed through the early questions, which is bad as I make careless mistakes very easily. Paper 2 was better, but only slightly. I got an 8 in my mocks which was bad as I desperately, desperately need a 9 to solidify my decisions as I will be doing maths for A level, and getting an 8 would shatter my dreams

Geography paper 1 was easy, but it was a mess at the same time. I write slow so I only had 5 minutes left to complete the whole of glaciation. I think I only got like four marks out of the whole section. Paper 2 was the best paper imo, I hope I got most right. Paper 3 was eh, I also didn't really finish, ( I needed to write 3 more sentences in the last question and I didn't fully finish a 6 marker). I will just have to pray to the geography gods that this won't bring my marks down. The thing is, the exams weren't even hard, I was just so fucking slow- (I'm really pissed)

English was also eh for both lang and lit for me. I have never been good at english since it's kind of my second language, (it's my first language now, but it wasn't four years ago, I'm chinese). I was only aiming for a 7, which is reasonable to my standards, but I'm scared that I won't. I do merchant of venice and sign of four, which are both such irrelevant books, and we got quite shit questions. I found this kinda unfair as the popular ones like Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Christmas carol, mr jekyll and mr hyde were really easy according to most people. Our questions, unfortunately were really eh. This would raise grade boundaries :(. I have always been bad at poetry, I nearly shed a tear when I saw my last duchess in the exam as I barely revised for it. My teacher never properly taught us this poem as well (it was the least annotated one in my anthology) so I barely had any context. I also played it safe and compared it with Ozymandias. My slow-writing ass also ran out of time to do the dumb 8 marker in the end, which wouldn't help at all. Unseen was also meh, I only got to write 1 page and a bit more. The only essays that truly went well is An Inspector Calls, and maybe Merchant of Venice

Lang wasn't any better, everything I wrote was just so average and general. None of my question 5s were also outstandingly good, which is unfortunate. As a whole, I was lacking in AO2 for all four papers which will also pull my mark down.

French was a mess. I did quite reasonable in all papers, except... the listening paper. I did so so terrible in the listening paper, and I am scared that I failed it- which will make me fail the entire french gcse. I do not want to see a U on my results.

DT has always been my strong subject, but unfortunately, paper 3 went so bad (I do CIE). I am going to pray that paper 1 and my coursework ( which I am quite sure I did well in) will carry as I did absolute dogshit in paper 3. I need to get a 9 in DT, it is a must.

Thats it ig

#gcse #igcses #gcses #exams

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lukehemmiings · 11 months

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Virgin Mary, Luke Hemmings Ch. 1

(Edited work and omg, I posted!!! Also, happy pride month. And I’m gonna turn 19 tomorrow! :,) )

Whenever she walked in, whenever she talked, whenever she fucking laughed — I was the one who got affected by it. It was disgusting, yet so fucking hot. I couldn't help, but try to match my schedule with her classes, just to be with one of my students the whole god fucking damn time. Y/N doesn't care about boys, nor does she care about her popularity. But what she cares about are grades and she's a fucking straight-a-student. She's a fucking good girl.

"Professor Hemmings, you're teaching English Literature?" Roxanna's confused voice echoed in my ears and I looked down at her. For a fact, I know that it's disgusting. Since she's eighteen and I'm twenty-six, but I can't fucking get her out of my head. It's like she planted a seed there and now there's a whole garden. And all she does is letting it grow, with every fucking word we spoke.

"Mr. Clarkson is sick, I just step in for him." it wasn't a lie, but it felt like it. I had to persuade the principal to let me teach this class. Of course, no one knew about my little crush on Roxanna, which I was very glad for.

I remember meeting this class for the very first time. They were great, no complaining. But the way I was staring at her, at every possible second and no one even noticed — not even Y/N herself. And of course those teenagers are very talkative for their age, so I also heard the rumor about their Virgin List. To who and when they lost it. Even most of the professors have information of this list, but I had non. All I heard was, that they called Roxanna, the Virgin Mary.

"Virgin Mary, come over!" Daniel, a boy from the baseball team yelled, earning laughter of his friends and I stiffened. Roxanna visibly stiffened as well and her face fell. I wish I could tell her something to comfort her, but all I did was standing up and waiting for everyone to be quiet. And I won't just teach English Literature today.

"Good morning, students! Today, I will give you some advice, you may need it or you may not. Then we will continue to work on the essays that Mr. Clarkson handed you all last week, does that sound like a plan?" I suggest and got a few hums as answer. Roxanna was scribbling something on her book and I smiled.

"Advice mainly for the boys. Boys, do you think you know how to treat a lady?" I looked at Daniel, when he grinned. I don't like this guy, because all jokes aside, he's such a douche and makes Roxanna feel bad about something she's very fond of to still have. Her virginity and for all I fucking care, being a virgin in this time is harder, because everyone fucks everything.

"Fuck her and leave, making her beg for more." A friend of Daniel's said. His name was Cody and he was just like Daniel, a douche.

"A girl isn't a dog, Cody." I rolled with my eyes, walking to his table. "A girl is more than that. She's smart, well-behaved. And does it matter if she wants to wait?" I asked him and he shakes his head. "If I want something, I'll get what I want." Daniel and Cody high fived and I looked at Roxanna, who was now blushing furiously and it looked so adorable.

This is for nothing. I passed out the essays and sat back on my desks, only to grab my laptop and correct some tests. I heard whispers of students and giggles. Then I hear a faint gasp and a thud. Looking up, I see Cody on Roxanna's table. He threw some kind of liquid over her sheets and let me tell you, that she wrote fucking six pages already.

I could see the poor girl tearing up, which broke my heart. "Cody, sit back down. Roxanna, come here." I demanded and clenched my jaw. I wish I could throw some kind of rock against Cody's head, but there's something called law and you can't go against it, so I'm fucked for now.

Roxanna's little body moved to my desk and all I did, was standing up and nodding towards my seat. "Take my laptop, I'll let you work it on there, so I can print it out for you, alright?" I told her quietly, as the students started working on their stuff again.

"Professor Hemmings, that's not," I cut her off and rose my eyebrows. "Just do it, I'll keep you after class."

ROXANNA

My heart was nearly slamming against my chest and I gulped. The class was done and everyone was leaving, while I managed to get half of my papers in Professor Hemmings’ laptop. It felt so fucking weird doing my stuff here and in front of everyone. Until everyone left, I continued working on the MacBook.

"I think you can stop." a warm hand made me wince and look up. Professor Hemmings looked at me, a faint smile on his face and I gulped, nodding and saving the project. Suddenly I felt burning hot under my own Professor's glare and all I wanted was to get out. Or get off of the feeling.

"T-thank you again, for your laptop." my eyes met his icy blue ones, as he only smiled. He didn't say anything, he just nodded and I fumbled with my fingers. "I'm sorry for Cody, he's a douche." he mumbles, making me smile. "That's true. He is mean and unfair." I agreed and my teacher nodded, bending down, so his lips were on my ear. A faint breath crashed against my ear, like a wave crashed against the cliffs.

"What are you doing to me, Roxy?" okay, no way in hell, that this was supposed to mean something non sexual. Also — Roxy. No one has called me that before. My heart was almost hammering against my chest and I don't dare to move, it was like he cast some kind of spell to me. Whatever it was, it felt good — forbidden, but good.

"I— I didn't do anything, Prof,"

"Call me Luke when we're alone." the sound of him begging was so submissive and good. It made my heart flutter and I felt so comforted somehow. My eyes fluttered shut and I gulped, playing nervously with the ring around my ring finger. Luke noticed it and chuckled, planting a soft kiss on my neck. He helped me get up from his desk and looked down at me.

"You do so much that affects me, sweetheart. The way you walk into this classroom and laugh, fucking talk. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, I'm turning to you and listen to you. You make me fucking crazy and I feel so fucked up for fantasizing about one of my students and it's so," I hushed him, with a peck on his lips and wide-eyed. Opening my mouth to say something, I couldn't form a sentence.

"I— Oh God, I— I have to go." with that, I gathered my stuff and literally ran out of the classroom. Of course I don't care about Luke in this moment, all I do is run through the corridors to my dorm, which is a one bed room. Thank God, I'm not sharing my room with anyone. The way I actually enjoyed that little peck on Luke's lips made me whine in frustration. There was this small sensation in my stomach, it was pulling downwards — right between my thighs.

A knock made me flinch and turn around. I had the door closed and looked at it with a horrific face expression. Another knock and I winced out of the stare, as I grabbed the doorknob and turned it, looking into a pair of icy blue eyes. Luke fucking Hemmings was right in front of me. Oh, I'm going to pass out.

"You forgot something." he tells me and I frown. What could I've possible forgot in this class and it couldn't wait for tomorrow? Luke stepped into my room closing the door and pushing me against it. "This." his lips land on mine, which made my heart nearly burst out of my chest. I whimpered, clinching onto Luke's golden mane. Dropping my bag, I wrapped my arms around him and enjoyed the feeling of his plump lips on mine.

The lips of my teacher, who's twenty-six and me, the student. Who's only stupid and eighteen. Of course I kiss him back, because I couldn't help it and like the way he was making me feel worthy of love. Or worthy of his love, which sounds stupid, but I still like to think that way.

"I can't get you out of my head, darling. Especially not after this." to be fair, I couldn't get him out of my head either. Instead, I just pulled him into my room and pushed him against the bed, to press my lips against his once again. His lips tasted like coffee and a bit of mint. His breath was shallow, almost as if he didn't wanted to breath, because I would let go or something like that.

"Luke." I mumbled against his lips, as I bit against his lower lip. He groaned and picked me up, only to turn me down on my bed. The sheets were cooling my body temperature down a bit, while my body was flaming hot. No matter what, even with Luke's sweet kisses, my body heat went crazy.

"Let me treat you the way you deserve, princess. Let me treat you like a lady." his whispers made me impatient and even though I'm still a virgin, I felt the sudden urge to give Luke my virginity, after all he's a man and knows what he's doing.

He's also my teacher, so I'll have to be careful.

I whimpered when I feel his hands on my waist, right under my shirt. Nevertheless I nodded, being ready for what Luke wanted me to give him. "Take it, Luke. Treat me like I'm yours." and the fact that I said this, made me even more dizzy. Luke smiled, taking me closer to his body. "You're so beautiful like this, darling. So, so pretty." with that, his warm fingers slid down the waistband of my pants. He undid it and throw it across the room.

The fact that Luke took his time with all this made me nearly cry under him. I know for a fact that he wouldn't just fuck me. Something was behind all of it, but I was too horny to care. His hands were soft, warm and even a bit sweaty, which meant that he was nervous as well. I smile through nervousness.

"I won't just take it yet, baby. A gentleman waits." his raspy voice made me blush. God, he could say anything and the chance would be very high, that I would be even wetter. My cheeks burned because of that stupid grin I had on my face. Luke licked his lips, looking at me, while he pulled my panties of my legs. His eyes were fucking focused on me.

Fuck, I was half naked in front of my teacher.

The teacher who's going to do stuff with me.

Unholy stuff.

"Where is that pretty mind of yours, love?" he whispered, pulling me even closer. His hands wandered to my bra, which he took off easily. His eyes traveled down my body and I swear to fucking God, I never felt so desired right now. Fingertips wandering over my skin, the goosebumps ran over me, like wildfire. Adrenaline shook through my body and all I wanted, was him to touch me like he needed to.

"Here. My mind is here." I whispered back, when Luke bites down onto his rosy lip. He looked so good while doing so. My hands traveled up to his shoulders, down to his shirt, which I started to unbutton. His tattoos suited him, they were really pretty on his pale skin. "It better stays the way. Need you to picture this into your mind, forever." with that, his lips started to work on me. Soft and light— until his kisses went south and that felt amazing.

"Luke— Oh my—" I couldn't say anything. It blew my mind, how a few kisses could leave me this speechless. My heart was jumping in my chest — no, it was hammering against my ribs and I felt it. It was almost painful. "Speechless, with just that? Sweet." I felt him smirking against my skin, as his lips wandered even more south, until he was on my inner thigh. My heart started beating faster, while his lips were so close to me. The next feeling was the most terrific feeling ever: Luke's tongue on me.

Moaning, I grabbed into his dark blonde curls, eyes rolling back and back arching to get more of this feeling. "Sweetheart, you're so fucking wet." he remarks, sliding his tongue into my slit, collecting all the wetness he caused. I bite my lip, my hips jerking slowly against his mouth. Luke pressed me against the mattress again, making me whimper in dissatisfaction.

"Please— I—I need more of it, Luke. Please!" my whimpers are pathetic. But Luke seemed to like it, which made me feel special. He's the first one, who came this close to me and he surely stay the first and last one. He dug his face deeper between my thighs, licking me like I'm some sort of ice cream, which felt absolutely amazing for the record.

"So untouched, fuck. Baby, you're a fucking treasure you know that?" he groans, right against my clit, making me moan and arch my back more, if that was possible. He slowly slid his finger into me, making me cry out on pleasure. "And all fucking mine, get it? You're mine, Roxanne." the way he spoke my name out. God, I'm so close.

"Luke—" I whimper, hearing his slow chuckle. "I know, baby. You're close. I feel it. Let it go for me. Cum, Roxy." he nearly begs, making my legs shake even fucking more. I hum in pleasure, sitting up so I can look at him. His blue eyes were darting into mine, as he finger fucked me to hell. I was all into him right now — his looks, his face, his hair. Every fucking thing.

I came. And I came pretty hard. It was my first ever orgasm, which felt fucking amazing, because I really felt like I was in heaven. "That's it. That's my good fucking girl." he softly says, watching me calm down slowly from the immense high I just got. My heart was still up to my ears and everything sounded like someone put his hands on my ears. I want this. I want Luke — in every way.

"Stay after class tomorrow, I'll show you even more, sweet girl." he grins, licking his lips, which had my taste on it, as he got up and buttoned his shirt back on. "I will, Professor Hemmings." biting my lips, I looked at him, while his blue eyes darkened and he clenched his jaw slowly. "Careful, princess. You might end up in trouble."

Oh, I gladly be in trouble…

#lukehemmings smut #fanfiction #5sos #5sossmut

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motownfiction · 2 years

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however big you think you are

When Sadie woke up this morning, it was just Thursday. The first of the month. The day she’d make rent if she didn’t still live in her childhood bedroom, didn’t commute to and from school like it’s a day job (because it sort of is one). But when she woke up, it was just Thursday. The day she has American History and Intro to Poetry. The day she’ll get her final essay back.

As she takes her seat in Intro to Poetry, she feels herself shaking at the knee. It doesn’t make much sense, even to Sadie herself. She’s been doing a good job in this class all semester. Great, even. The professor’s feedback on her papers has been nothing short of enthusiastic, nothing short of encouraging. There’s just something about a final essay that’s always scared the shit out of Sadie. Something about leaving a last impression. First impressions are tough, but at least you have a chance to come back from them. Last impressions are just that. They’re lasting. She inhales sharply when she remembers her terrible explication of “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” in eleventh grade. It didn’t look a damn thing like it was supposed to. It was the last thing she was supposed to write that year, and Mrs. Burczyk gave her a C on it. That’s how Mrs. Burczyk would always remember her. The girl who got a C, the girl who wasn’t good enough to earn anything better. That spring, Lucy gave birth to a whole baby, and even her explication of “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird,” which she was excused from completing, earned a better score. Since then, lasting impressions have been kind of a phobia for Sadie. A kind of reminder that no matter what she does, sometimes, she’ll disappoint people.

She’s not sure what part of it she cares about. It’s not the sense of achievement or specialness. That’s never meant much to her. Not like it does for Lucy or even Will. But there’s something about leaving a bad taste in someone’s mouth … that’s something Sadie could control if she had the power. If she had the power. It’s not a phrase she thinks about often – not a wish she commonly makes – and when she does, it makes her feel heavy. Like she wants to put it all back down.

The professor passes out the papers at the end of class. Sadie flips to the last page to see her score before she reads any of the scribbled ink in the margins. She sees some good and great on the way to the back, but it’s nothing to focus on. She needs to know about the last impression. And there it is, in red ink, Dr. Dennison’s last impression of Sadie Doyle.

100/100. Let’s talk in my office.

Slowly, Sadie lowers the paper back onto her desk and locks eyes with Dr. Dennison. She’s a short woman, maybe just five feet tall, with big glasses and bigger hair. In any other context, she wouldn’t be intimidating, but she reads Middle English, speaks fluent French, and got her Ph.D. from Harvard last year. As far as Sadie’s concerned, she’s the most terrifying woman who has ever lived.

Maybe the second-most terrifying.

“Come on, Sadie,” Dr. Dennison says, voice gruff from an adolescence of cigarette smoke. “You saw what I wrote. Let’s talk.”

Sadie follows Dr. Dennison up to her office on the third floor. It’s a little room stuffed to the brim with more books than Sadie would have thought those four walls could handle. She’s been in Lucy’s parents’ offices a handful of times before, but they didn’t feel like this one. Maybe it’s because she knows Mary and John, and Dr. Dennison is still Dr. Dennison. It’s just that something feels different. More real. More like some place where somebody like Sadie could actually belong.

Then again, it could just be the massive Purple Rain poster on the back of the door.

“Your paper was the best in the class,” Dr. Dennison says as she takes a seat behind her desk. “And I don’t give perfect scores lightly.”

“I didn’t think you would,” Sadie says, taking a seat in the student chair in front of her. “I know … I knew I’d been doing OK, but that score … it feels really nice.”

“It’s not just nice. It’s accurate. And you hadn’t just been doing ‘OK’ in our class. You earned the highest score on every paper I assigned. From January through May.”

Sadie’s eyes nearly pop out of her head. She’d always done well in English classes before, but then, she was lucky to score even in the vicinity of Lucy. She exhales, trying to make sense of everything she’s hearing … everything she’s feeling.

“Oh,” she finally says. “I … thank you.”

Dr. Dennison gives her a little smile like she knows more than she’s letting on. Professors are so like that.

“No need to thank me,” she says. “If anything, I should be thanking you. Your papers saved me from a lot of monotony. One of the biggest downsides to teaching an intro class.”

Sadie nods.

“I can imagine,” she says. “I’m taking Intro to Psych right now, and everybody else’s paper topics sound exactly the same.”

“What’s your paper topic?”

“Daydreaming. I want to see if it’s connected to diagnosable conditions. Narcissism, mainly, but I was open to more.”

Dr. Dennison gives that same smile again. Sadie feels like she might fall through the floor. There’s only one other person who smiles at her like that, and by all accounts, she should be the one in this room.

“That sounds great,” Dr. Dennison says. “But I have to tell you … I was very impressed by how rich your paper was for my class. Most students shy away from Adrienne Rich, but you … you really dove into the wreck, didn’t you?”

Sadie grins.

“It just really spoke to me,” she says. “I know that’s … I know that’s a cliché thing to say, but I just … I responded to it.”

“Good. That’s the first step. The second step is figuring out why you had the response.”

“Is there a third step?”

“The third step is criticizing your response, and the fourth step is writing it down. I think you’ve got steps one, two, and four down. The third one’s getting there.”

Sadie shrugs.

“Yeah, well, I guess it doesn’t really matter,” she says. “I’m not going to be an English major, so this is probably the last paper about poetry I’ll ever write.”

Dr. Dennison perfectly raises one of her eyebrows, like a cartoon character.

“That’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about,” she says. “I was wondering if you’d ever thought about being an English major.”

Sadie’s eyes get wide again, and it feels like the whole world is in soft focus. This shouldn’t be a big question. It’s just a normal question that professors ask because they love their subjects, and they want you to love them, too. But it just feels … wrong. Sadie had always done well in English classes, but she’d never done well enough to be mistaken for a major. And besides, it’s not her job. She’s not the one.

“I … haven’t,” she finally struggles through an answer. “I haven’t … I haven’t given much thought yet to what I want to major in at all.”

Dr. Dennison nods very carefully.

“Majoring in English can be an intimidating decision,” she says. “I know it took me a year to convince myself it was really what I wanted to do.”

Sadie nods, but she’s not really sure why … until she remembers.

“My best friend has always wanted to major in English,” she says. “She knew what she wanted before I even knew what a major was. And she’s brilliant. She goes to school here; you might know her. Lucy Callaghan?”

Dr. Dennison nods again.

“Lucy’s in my Medieval and Renaissance survey,” she says. “And you’re right. She is brilliant. The department’s lucky to have her.”

“So lucky.”

“But we’re not talking about Lucy majoring in English. We’re talking about you.”

Sadie feels an ugly blush creeping up on her cheeks. Why is she like this? Her professor calls her into her office to praise her for a job well done, to recruit her to one of the most interesting departments the university has to offer, and she just wants to talk about Lucy. What the hell is up with that? Doesn’t Sadie know herself? Doesn’t she want to talk about the things she wants to do?

Does she want to do anything?

She bites her lip and looks down at the carpet below her beat-up white tennis shoes. Somehow, they feel like a metaphor, but she isn’t sure what. Maybe that’s the reason she shouldn’t be an English major.

“I really never thought about it,” Sadie says. “It just seemed … English always seemed like Lucy’s thing. You know … I felt like I could be good at it, but it didn’t seem like … it didn’t seem like I should have control.”

Dr. Dennison shakes her head.

“I think that might be in your head,” she says. “But as for the rest of us … I think we’d be glad to hear the rest of the thoughts in your head. I think we’d be better for them.”

Sadie nods. She doesn’t know what else to do. She feels stuck in the middle of praise and betrayal, and yet, she can’t get up and leave.

She doesn’t want to.

“Can I take the summer to think about it?” Sadie asks.

Dr. Dennison smiles, still like she knows much more than she’ll ever let on. Sadie tries her best not to be annoyed with it all … not to be annoyed with herself for being so slow, so deliberate, so much on purpose.

“Of course,” Dr. Dennison says. “It’s not the kind of thing you can figure out right away.”

Sadie smiles a little and gets up to leave. Before she can cross the threshold of the door, Dr. Dennison’s voice stops her in her tracks again.

“Oh, and Sadie?” she says. “Figure out what you want to do about it. Not what you think anybody else thinks you should do about it.”

Sadie smiles and tacitly agrees. Anything to get herself out of the hot seat. Her whole body was beginning to burn and crisp. She thinks about Dr. Dennison’s words to make sure she’s doing what she wants to do. No influences. She takes a deep breath.

Maybe a little influence can’t hurt.

#drabble #writeblr #ch: sadie doyle #year: 1986 #series: first of may #been awhile!

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how-blank-pages-blossom · 9 months

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How blank pages blossomed: My Writing Journey

Writing… something we’ve all tried at least once in our lives, right? From school essays to cheesy love letters, we’ve all had our fair share of scribbling

Some love it others tolerate it.

Some like the process, others like the product.

But for me, writing has always been so much more than a task or a means to an end. It’s been a “friend”, a confidant, and a way to express myself like nothing else.

“I can still remember the first time. I held a pen in my hand” would have been ideal, but the truth is, my earliest memories of writing are a bit fuzzy. I cant pinpoint the exact moment I held a pen for the first time, but that’s probably for the best.

Let’s just say my handwriting looked like a wild chicken had a dance party on the paper.

As I grew older I realized writing was more than just putting words on paper, it was a way to unleash my imagination.

I wrote my first short story about a heroic pirate that saved the world from a sushi-eating dog. Sure, it was a bit wacky, but it was my little masterpiece, and I was proud of it.

Writing soon became my go-to coping mechanism. Whenever life threw lemons at me, I’d grab my trusty pen and turn those sour lemons into lemonade on paper. It was like therapy but without the fancy couch and awkward silence.

Although writing was fun, it was far from easy. There were times when I’d stare at the blank page, and my mind would go completely blank. It was as if my brain took a coffee break in the middle of its shift.

And don't even get me started on those pesky self-doubts! Oh, they were my full-time companions. “Your writing sucks!” they’d whisper. But I learned to shoo them away like annoying flies. After all, who cares if my writing isn’t perfect? As long as it brings a smile to my face, I’ll keep scribbling away.

Then came the glorious day when I discovered the magic of typing on a keyboard. The sound of those keys clicking away was music to my ears! It was like a dance party for my fingers. I couldn’t help but feel like a mighty tech wizard.

By now I was the Gandalf of keyboards.

The keyboard became my trusty sidekick, rescuing me from countless typos and letting me edit with the finesse of a ninja. The backspace key was my superhero, swooping in to save the day whenever I made a hilarious typo. And trust me, my typos could rival any stand-up comedian’s punchline.

Through writing I also discovered a whole community of fellow word warriors. We’d cheer each other on, share funny writing anecdotes, and provide virtual high-fives for every little writing victory. It was like having a quirky support group with members from every corner of the world.

And that’s when it hit me — why not share my writing with the world? So I decided to start my own small business, where I could write copy for interested companies and individuals. It was and still is a little nerve-wracking, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

It wasn’t about becoming a famous writer or gaining thousands of followers, it was about sharing my writing with the rest of the world.

So, to anyone out there who’s ever hesitated to share their writing with the world, I say: go for it! Embrace the imperfections, celebrate the humour, and let your words dance across the screen or paper.

That’s how my little corner of the internet, Inkcraftpro, came to life. It’s not just another copywriting website. It’s a place where words come alive, and stories are woven with a sprinkle of humour.

So, from my chicken-scratch beginnings to the clickety-clack of the keyboard, I’m on a never-ending writing adventure. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Happy writing, fellow word warriors! May your creativity flow and your typos be few and fabulous!

#writing #creative writing #copywriting #life #journey #life journey

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puutterings · 11 months

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floating oceans the whole sentence comes out

How to Write Poetry

There are floating oceans of literature on how to write poetry, mostly written by professors of poetic art who have never written a line themselves. Helen F. Macmillan quotes Vachel Lindsay on this subject :

“You won’t find any word revisions, that isn’t the way I revise. I write my poems by the line — not by the word. Most poets, you know, write poetry as a craftsman would, make a piece of mosaic by fitting together pieces of colored glass. When a word doesn’t fit they take it out and try another. Sometimes it takes half a dozen tries to get a word just the right shape and color. You know how the manuscript looks then, with interlinings and words crossed out and rewritten. I don’t work that way. If I don’t like one word in a sentence I have written the whole sentence comes out. The original draft of my poems is usually about four or five times as long as the finished piece. I suppose that is what people mean when they speak of the conversational quality of my poetry. It can be too conversational of course. That’s the danger. But then, the other method has its dangers too. Too much puttering with a line is apt to take all the punch out of it. Kipling wrote by the sentence, I think, and of course, most prose writing is done that way. But nearly all poets use the other method.”

This quotation is taken from an essay on Lindsay in search of his youth; by Helen F. MacMillan in the Boston Transcript: The troubador poet writes his poetry to be read aloud by himself in a booming voice that carries like a calliope.

ex The Lariat 9:4 (April 1927) : 163 : link

The Lariat : A monthly roundup of Western discussion and criticism devoted to higher standards of literature on broad cultural lines of expression.

hathitrust record : published: Salem, Or., May 1923-1927; Amity, Or, 1928- editor: 1923-1927, Ernst Hofer. all NYPL : link

an introduction to The Lariat (including its editor and its editorial leanings) can be found at (the seemingly orphaned, but still accessible as of 20230521) website of the Center for the Study of the Pacific Northwest : Aggressive Regionalism : Commentary : 5. The Lariat : link

On Ernst Hofer (1855-1934), see Rolf Swenson, “Ernst Hofer: A German Republican Journalist in Iowa, 1855-1890,” The Annals of Iowa 51:6 (Fall 1992): 565-602 : link (pdf)

—

same page (163) : One of our universities endowing a chair in barbering and bobbing. So far none has endowed a chair in Poetry.

#1927 #Ernst Hofer #The Lariat #Vachel Lindsay #method #barbering and bobbing #mosaic #pieces of colored glass

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grizzlyofthesea · 1 year

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Support and Love

To distract myself from the impending doom that is finals week, I'm continuing my stupid little fanfiction journey. I think I've earned it, anyway; I wrote an entire five-page history essay in four hours yesterday.

Four days have passed since Regiomontanus initially met their prospective new siblings. They've been flitting back and forth between their temporary New York residence and the other turtles' lair, but they haven't truly spent time anywhere else. They have made a concerted effort to hide their appearance from as many people as possible. This has been effective so far; aside from their parents and a few doctors, no humans have seen their recently mutated form, at least not up close. Their stealth has also been quite necessary. Attempting to live a normal human life as a sea turtle mutant is akin to swimming through the Sahara Desert--technically possible, but not worth the trouble at all.

Sticking to the shadows isn't so bad, though. The turtles of the New York City sewers have, at minimum, been open-minded toward Gio's presence. Leonardo remains skeptical of them--not aided by their increasingly apparent similarities to his nerdiest brother--but he does not yet wish to make a scene. Raphael makes a more obvious effort to be courteous, but he too is a bit wary. The others have, for the most part, been downright pleasant. Michelangelo was the first to embrace Gio after learning of their plight, and he was even the one to suggest adopting them as a sibling; his optimism regarding the situation has not yet changed. Donatello was initially even more suspicious than Leo, but he used his logical mind and advanced technology to put his doubts to rest, and he has found some common ground to truly connect over with Gio.

At the very least, even if the siblinghood falls through, some sort of connection between Gio and the turtle brothers seems to be in the cards.

Over the past half-week, with some help from their new acquaintances, the new mutant has grown ever so slightly more accustomed to the drastic changes in their body. They are still slightly put off by their chartreuse skin coloration, but they feel a bit more at ease in the presence of spring, lime, spruce, and forest green complexions. The chocolate chip-like markings extending down each of their limbs startled them at a first glance, but their concerns have eased somewhat upon seeing appendages decorated with stripes, spikes, spots, and zig-zags. Their heavy shell threw off their balance for a while, but their center of gravity has gradually adjusted to compensate for it.

They're also discovering advantages to their new form. They have been tested by Donnie twice so far for mutation-related enhancements. Appropriately, two have been documented at this point: augmented underwater sight, and drastically increased lung capacity. Gio has made some independent observations, too. They have noted a heightened ability to hear low-frequency sounds, as well as an uncanny boost to their sense of direction. "Official" tests will be performed over the next few days to confirm that Gio's findings are real. They are exhilarated to continue making discoveries like these.

However, they also miss the feeling of a "normal" life.

As delighted as they are to be in the lair with their new companions again, they can't help but sigh wistfully as they reminisce about their human friends. Mikey hears, and he can't help but want to turn their gloom into glee.

"Hey, Gigi," the box turtle says as he seats himself next to his potential sibling. "Are you okay?"

Gio's posture corrects itself, and they snap into a more positive facade. "Oh, uh, yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking about something."

"You sure? You don't have to tell me if you don't wanna, but I also don't want you to be sad..."

The sea turtle sighs once more, this time with a marked lack of protest. "Okay... It's just... I'm still trying to come to terms with this whole 'being a turtle' thing. You and Donnie have really helped me get used to, well, physically being a turtle, but... I miss my friends. I've been texting them, and I know I can keep doing that, but I know I can't really see them again when I look like this. I used to play board games with them every day, and now I can't do that ever again." They gulp silently, barely holding back tears.

"Aww, hey, you don't know that...! If they're really your friends, they won't care how you look! They'll still love you for who you are."

"I...I know. But I can't take any risks. You know that just as well as I do..."

Mikey looks dejectedly at the floor. After a few seconds, though, his expression brightens again.

"Heeeyyyy...! You know what?"

"What...?"

"There's one human we can introduce you to."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah! She's been friends with us for years! Just let me call her up!"

Before Gio can raise any questions, Mikey stands up and lifts them into a standing position beside him; they tower over a foot above him, yet his sheer energy and strength mitigate any issues the height difference would pose. He presses a button on his phone, then sets it down horizontally across from himself.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"I'm doing a video call. It'll be easier for her to talk to both of us that way!"

"Uh, okay, but I wasn't expecting--"

Gio's train of thought is interrupted by a voice coming from the phone's speakers.

"Hey, Mikey, what's up?" asks the caller. Said caller is a girl with tawny brown skin, wearing red glasses and a green hoodie. Her curly, syrup-colored hair is tied up in two pigtail-like puffs.

"April! Hey! We have a new turtle mutant buddy, and since they miss their human friends, I thought I could introduce them to you!"

Gio gives a silent, shy wave.

"Aww, well, isn't that nice-- Wait, 'human friends?' You mean they're a mutated human?"

"That's what they said. We found them by complete accident, too; Raph bumped into them while he was out for a walk!"

"...Huh. Not what I would've expected, but I guess it isn't impossible..." April turns her head a bit to look at Gio. "Anyway, what's your name?"

"I...I'm... I'm Regiomontanus. I know, I know. It's a mouthful. You can just call me Gio, or Gigi, or whatever."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Gio. I'm April," she says with a smile. In response, Gio simply nods.

"So... What kinds of things do you like? What are you interested in?"

The sea turtle is nearly frozen in place, stammering awkwardly and fidgeting with the webbing between two of their fingers. Mikey takes it upon himself to intervene.

"Well, we haven't seen much of them yet, but they seem to like science; they really like Donnie's lab. Oh, and board games! That's one of the things they loved to do with their other friends."

"I see... So we're looking at another 'Dorky Pals for Life Club' member~"

"Yeah, probably."

Gio glances up in confusion. They can't help but ask, "What's the 'Dorky Pals for Life Club?'"

April gives a playful smirk. "That's just a little nickname I gave myself and Donnie for being such huge dorks."

"Ah. Then, yeah, I'd fit right in--if you'll have me, that is."

"Why don't we get together in person first? Then we'll see."

"Y-yeah, that sounds good."

"Great! Me and the boys'll put something together. That okay with you, Mikey?"

"You bet!"

"Then it's settled. I'll organize everything with you guys later in the group chat. I'll talk to you later!"

"Alright, April. Bye!"

The call concludes, and there is silence for a few minutes. However, Gio eventually finds a bit of courage to break the stillness.

"Hey, uh, Mikey...?"

"Yeah?"

"...Thank you. The fact that you'd go out of your way to do something like that... That...that really meant a lot to me."

"Aww, you're welcome!" He pulls them into a hug. Gio's posture stiffens into discomfort, but they find it in themself to permit the embrace. Mikey rests his head on their arm and looks up to initiate eye contact once more.

"I know we haven't known each other that long, but I really do think you have a place in our family--and I'm not just saying that because you're a turtle now. You seem really nice, and I don't want you to feel lonely or weird. We'll always be here if you need us, okay?"

With moist eyes, Gio wraps their arms around his small body. The two turtles hug in silence until the tears and melancholy transform into laughter and merriment. They're almost sad when Donnie arrives to collect Gio for more testing, but knowing that more fun times lie ahead, the diminutive box turtle and willowy sea turtle depart with grins on their faces.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt oc #regiomontanus #save rottmnt #unpause rottmnt #rise mikey #rise april #rottmnt fanfiction #rise donnie

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