Don't they know it's the end of the world
Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader
Summary: There are many things Joel would like to forget, you hope you're not one of them.
Rating: Explicit. I just want to fuck old man Joel.
Content: hurt/comfort, explicit sex-town, cowgirl position yee-ha, post-apocalyptic angst and jazz. Mentions of death, blood and gore, but the real warning all along was emotionally unavailable men.
Word Count: 3.5k
Astroboot’s Masterlist
The thing that nobody warned you about living in a post-apocalyptic world (to use the dramatic phrase) is that when the world as you know it has ended. When an unprecedented catastrophe transforms the very fabric of your reality. In the midst of abandoned cities, dilapidated high-rise buildings overrun with moss and ivy, and rusted cars forsaken on the highway. This horrific new world of unending horrors, at some point, with enough days gone by, becomes common place.
After the first and second year, you're no longer bothered by the constant aches and how everything hurts, everywhere all the time. The new bruises that spring up overnight to replace old healing, because sleeping on concrete and dirt will do that to you, isn't as overwhelming. You barely mind the constant blunt ache in your lower back from unloading crates anymore. Or the way your feet are always blistering and covered in callouses that crack and split and bleed. It's all background noise.
After the third and the fourth, you're no longer dry-heaving at the burnt metallic smell of charred flesh and human hair that reminds you of melted and burnt plastic when they're tossed into fire. Your sense of smell dull to it.
After the fifth year you think that hollow feeling in your chest of missing home, is no longer a constant. At most it comes to you in glimpses. Because sure, there are a million and one things you still miss. The sweetness of cereal soaked in milk. The lingering smell of peonies from your shampoo after a steaming shower. The way your cat used you as a headrest while watching TV.
You miss cupcakes. You miss the cinema. You miss pumpkin lattes. You miss the forest ground covered in auburn leaves in the fall. You miss your mom. You miss--
You miss a lot of things. Small little things, and you remember each one of them despite the years that passes.
But the mind adapts. It doesn't consume you with a hollowness that makes you burst into tears at any given moment anymore. Humans are nifty like that. Our brains rewire to accept the new realities and life just goes on somehow.
You accept the military surveillance. Of men in vests and gear, wearing blank expressions, with rifles slung across their shoulders like it were backpacks, ready to use them at the slightest provocation if you so much as dared to cough in their presence.
You get used to cracking jokes about priests walking into bars, while burying your dead, not because you're unfeeling, or not understanding of the graveness of what you're doing, but because the human mind cannot be relentlessly scared and sad and depressed and unhappy without reprieve.
Instead like much else, that seems horrific and world-ending at first, it becomes background noise.
---
"Uno," you announce as you drop the last card in the pile of red, blue and green cards in front of him.
Joel scowls, that furrowed wrinkle between his brow carves deep with displeasure.
"You're cheating. I've never played this game where stacking is allowed. The correct rule is no stacking."
This again. You scoff. This topic of conversation comes up every now and then (everytime he loses in fact) because the two of you has solely been relyng on your memory to reconstruct the rules given that the manual to the pack of cards were lost long ago.
"I'm not having this argument with you again Joel, I've told you. The rules allow stacking, you're misremembering it."
You shake your head at him and smile. He doesn't smile back. He never really does. Instead he folds his arms across his wide chest, leaning back as he appraises you with skepticism.
"What if you've forgotten the rules?"
"I don't forget things, I'm not you" you say lightheartedly.
He's already passed out when you let yourself in through the front door tonight.
It's a sparse apartment, like all the other accommodations in the area. The mismatched dining chairs and fold up table is not much to look at, but there are still hints of the family who had made this place their home before they had to leave it. The feminine touch of flowery rose wallpapers. Scribbled markers of their children's height year by year. The claw-marks of a dog by the front door.
If Joel left tomorrow, you don't think it would tell much of a story of him or the life you lead together. The only thing that's his besides the radio and music catalog is the blue butterfly sticker that sparkles on the window.
And even with that, you don't quite know what story it is meant to tell or why he'd put it up. You only know it wasn't there when he moved it because it appeared out of nowhere after Tommy left. It clashes with the rest of the decor. Something that belongs to a young girl's bedroom and not a grumpy former veteran addicted to painkillers. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to put one plus one together and deduce it's something of sentimental value to him.
It's always confounded you, because that is so unlike the man you know.
Unlike you, Joel forgets. He makes it his mission to forget. Expired opioids from god knows how long, you're surprised they don't crumble into dust when they're exposed into open air.
There are horrors in his memories that Joel wants wiped clean, and he doesn't care if the good memories go with them, as long as he doesn't have to look at them in the broad daylight.
You never said anything about it, don't pry and you don't ask questions. You don't ask him for anything period. You just let him be and take him as he is. You suspect that that's why he's allowed himself to keep you around for so long.
The room is dimly illuminated from the night light has been left on for you, and you try to be quiet as you make your way to him on the bed. He's lying curled up on his side, back turned to you.
Broad shouldered as he is, with a build that reminds you of a bear at times, in this position, there's something vulnerable about him right now that's reserved for your eyes only. His face is no longer tense, against the amber hue that bathes the room. The specks of grey and white in his beard, soft to the touch.
He's half-dragged into consciousness as you dip your knee into the mattress, as he lifts the tattered, moth-eaten quilt and makes space for you.
Reaching behind you, you kill the light. Then you wrap your one arm over his waist, tucking one leg between his thick and firmer ones. He sighs into his pillow and leans into your touch.
There are things that you know Joel wants to forget, you would like to believe that this won't become one of them.
"Are you awake?" he murmurs against the nape of your neck. His voice is gravelly and worn with sleep.
You open your eyes and the world greets you with darkness. It's too early to be awake at this ungodly time.
His chest is pressed up against your back, warm and firm, and you hum in reply. "Barely."
You nuzzle into the scratchy linen of your pillow, inhaling deeply to relax back into sleep. But Joel isn't turning back around. He's still behind you, almost hovering above you as if he wants to tell you for something, but doesn't.
You raise yourself slightly, reaching over the nightstand to flicker on the small lamp there.
Turning back towards him, you observe him for a moment. The slight sheen of sweat pooled in the hollow of his throat. His eyes wide and alarmed, hands closed into a tight fist into the sheets. His whole body is wired for a fight, even though he's just woken up and it's dead quiet in the still of the night without a threat.
"Did you have a nightmare?" you finally ask.
His jaw tightens at your question, which is as good of an indicator as any that he doesn't want to answer. Also a good indicator that he did have one.
You sigh, reaching your hand back to trail the soft hairs at the back of his neck. Flattening the curly ends with your fingers, and trying to comb it down in a gesture to soothe him the way others used to do for you in a different life and another world. It's a mistake.
He flinches at the touch, and stiffens awkwardly in front of you. Like he's trying to decide what's the right next course of action. To apologize or to turn back around and pretend he didn't do what he just did.
You frown at him, but say nothing. You give him the time to find his words.
"Can we just--" he starts, but his words trail off, eyes barely meeting yours. Silently pleading for you to know what he's asking for so he doesn't have to put them into words.
Joel doesn't really do softness. Doesn't accept comfort. Doesn't trust it.
But there are things that he wants, because he's only human after all. A touch, a warm body to lose himself in, a human connection. It's what everyone of us wants.
But he can't ask for it. Can't say it.
The moment he puts words it, he would have to name it. What this thing is, between the two you that you have. Where at the end of the day you return to his apartment. Where you sleep in his bed. Where he worries if you don't.
If he asks you for this, then he can't pretend there's nothing there anymore.
So you don't say anything. You don't needle him into finishing his sentence. Don't ask him what he means. You don't ask him for anything. Instead you nod.
His face shifts, the stiff crease between his brows smooths in relief and he scoots forward, chest draped flush against your back. He's already hard, the familiar thick girth pressed to your tailbone, like it's trying to carve a permanent dent into you.
"Is it okay?" he asks again, rolling his hips and the newfound pressure against his denim-covered cock has him breaking off with a gasp.
"Yeah Joel. Yes it's okay."
His fingers come to the hemline of your jeans, as he roughly shoves at it in the dark. It catches at the dip of your hips, and you can hear the gruff impatience of the man from behind, as he yanks it down further. As if sheer brutal strength is going to be the solution in here, the way it is outside these walls.
You lift up your hips to help him, long enough for him to slide the jeans off your legs and you can kick them to the floor. Vaguely you try to estimate the distance to where they landed. Because that's where you'll have to pick them up in the early morning before he gets up. But that doesn't matter right now.
There's a scuffle behind you of rustling denim and the metallic clink of a buckle being undone. You reach back with your hand against the softness of his belly, down the sparse trail of fine coarse hairs until you can wrap your hand around his hardened cock.
He shudders in relief. A soft sigh into the back of your neck as he grinds against your back, demanding more. You indulge him, swiping your thumb in a circle over the head of him. There's a sharp intake of breath from him, similar to the sound he makes after taking a swig of shitty whiskey that burns his lungs too sharply.
The indication that it's too much, and therefore just right, because it's only then that it's a relief. An escape from the current reality.
You squeeze down again, fingers wrapped firm around the thickness of his girth not allowing him any reprieve, and he thanks you not in words, but with the way he bares his throat as his head throws back in ecstasy.
For Joel, the old world never ended. Never left. He's still trapped in it. His existence now is a purgatory. He treats it like he's just sitting in a waiting room, as the days and years go by. Everything and everyone in it are transitory. Nothing in the room matters.
His hand shoots out, sliding down the bare skin of your stomach and wedges underneath your panties. One broad thumbs presses down on your clit perfunctory, and still it feels so good. Sharp heat licks your spine at the touch, and your eyes flutter close as you lean back into him.
It's brusque, the way Joel's hand comes to your thighs and spread you open for him. Unrestrained the way his fingers parts your slick folds to collect the wetness he finds there, pressing into you and curls with a familiarity when he knows he's reached that perfect spot that makes your vision whiten. Rough in much the same way he is in every other part of his life.
"Fuck, get up here," he orders gruffly.
You roll over and he wastes no time to roughly grip onto your hipbones and dragging you up his body.
Bracing your arms on his firm chest to steady yourself, you settle yourself with your knees pressed into the sides of his ribs. They're dipped into the worn-out mattress and you think you can feel the springs of the bottom of the bed dig into your kneecaps.
It's a bit uncomfortable, but you don't mind. Because you get to straddle him this way. Get to see all of him, underneath you, on display. His bare skin made golden and soft by the dim light of the night lamp.
He doesn't look like the movie-stars of old. But Joel is handsome. There's no doubt about that.
Despite his rough masculine features, there are details that don't quite match up. His lips are plump and soft, inviting. A deep crease in the curve of his bottom lip that is just begging to be kissed.
Even with the significant grey in his thick hair, and the white in his beard, the weathered look suits him well. As does the fine lines on his forehead, and the ones around his eyes.
Smile lines, an old friend of yours had called them. Does that mean he used to smile? You imagine how he must've looked like in those days. Not constantly frowning or scowling. But smiling so hard that it would make his eyes crinkles. How beautiful and carefree he must've been.
In front of you, there's no trace of that man. His jaw is set, grinding his teeth, with gritted impatience as his hands grips onto your waist and pull you forward, towards and over his cock, positioning you right where he wants you.
His hand reaches behind you, and even though you can't see it from this angle, you've seen it plenty times before to know how good his cock looks fisted in his hand, as he uses your slick, still wet on his fingers to spread it over the length of him. Then you feel it, the fat tip of him nudging against your entrance as he slowly slips inside.
A heady anticipation fills you. It shakes the core of you until it makes your thighs tremor visibly as you straddle him.
Joel is rough. He is unrestrained and brusque, but he is not unkind. Or at least you'd like to think, not to you. He steadies you, one hand still on your hip, the other a flat palm against your lower belly, as he slowly lifts his hips as you sink down on him in unison.
The first thrust always knocks your breath away. Pleasure that warms you inside out in a way that standing in a fire fails to. It fills you anr nourishes.
You drop down the rest of the way until he's as deep as he goes, until he hisses sharply again, in that tell-tale sign that it's, too much and just right.
Your chest glows with pride, and you grind down against him to elicit another noise, this time a chocked grunt that's not nearly as satisfying. But the buzzing warmth that spikes your veins more than makes up for it.
You stay there for a moment, savoring the pleasure that simmers along your spine, until Joel opens his eyes, his fingers digging a bit deeper into the plump flesh of your thighs.
"Fuck," he grumbles, "please move."
You don't deny him, you never do. Not with this, not with anything. Rising on your knees, you feel his cock drag inside you and close your eyes at the sensation until only the tip of him rests inside you. It's a slow, dragged out pace. One that Joel doesn't seem to have any patience for.
His hand around your hip wraps firm and he pushes down at the same time as you can feel him thrust upwards, until he's buried as deep as he goes.
Fuck, you feel like you can't breathe. Didn't know you could fit so much of him.
Your eyes fly open, to the sight of him, thick brows knitted in pleasure. He looks gorgeous like this. Lost in pleasure, no longer buried in a grave of regrets he can never climb out of. Mouth parted as he gasps out at the feel of you wrapped around him. You stare at his spit swollen lips and all you can think of is how you want to kiss this man. Press your lips to his and feel the full weight of intimacy of this shared moment with his arms wrapped around you.
You anchor your arms on his chest, leaning down closer to his face, hovering above his lips and it's like he can sense you. His eyes flutters open as he meets your gaze.
You wonder what it is he sees in your eyes. If the want and depth of your feelings for him are so plain to see. Because he looks at you like he's terrified.
You don't kiss him.
You drop down your hips again, as far as he goes, and his eyes squeezes shut again, both of you choosing to forget what preceded it. An unrestrained moan rips out of him and to your ears, and though he's not saying any words, it's almost like he's thanking you for forgetting.
You ride him and it's rough and there is no rhythm. He meets you with every thrust, deep and fast, like he's racing for the end.
The hand on your belly, pushes down firmer, and the pressure does something to you. The simmer of pleasure turns to an inescapable heat. It climbs up your veins and invades your ribs with it.
You come around his cock and the pleasure is punishing, a slam to your ribs that squeezes down on your very lungs. It flattens your vision, until you're disorientated with it and you nearly fall off. But Joel doesn't stop. Continues to fuck up and into you. Harsh and reckless thrusts.
Pleasure is written over every line of his face, teeth gritted as he keeps his eyes closed to you. You feel him swell thicker in you, and you know he's almost there.
With a harsh hiss, his hand on your waist, lifts you up and off of him. His freed hand comes to his cock and wraps around it. Swollen and glistening with your wetness, as he fists himself with frantic strokes.
The chords of his neck strains, and then he comes. Line after line after line of his release, coating your stomach with the warmth of him.
You're both breathing hard and fast, made louder by the silence of the room at this hour.
Joel doesn't say anything and neither do you. Instead you reach over to the nightstand to kill the light, enveloping you both in the familiar darkness.
You lay back down against the mattress and roll to your side. There's rustling noise besides you and then Joel's hand comes to your stomach, cleaning up the mess he made of you with a corner of the sheets.
---
You wake up before dawn breaks. When it's no longer dark but the sun has not had time to rise above the skyline.
Dipping your foot onto the grimy wooden floor, you walk towards the very spot your jeans had been tossed aside last night, and put them on, as quietly as you can so as not to wake Joel.
You cast one last look at him where he's lying in the same position you found him when you'd let yourself in last night. On his side, curled up, vulnerable.
Then you gently pad across the length of the living room and let yourself out of the apartment, closing the door slowly until it gently clicks.
Someday, when this version of the world is over and one of you leaves. You hope that you get to miss him.
a/n: to be notified of new writing updates follow @astroboots-writes and turn on notifs 🤡💖🤡
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things I associate with the signs
⋆ ˚。 ୨୧
☆ aries ☆
specs, treehouse, freckles, arrows, pumpkin spice latte, skipping pebbles, lipstick, mirrorballs, crochet bags, the number 6
★ taurus ★
chanel N°5, pastries, statues, a deer, tornados, periwinkle, the feeling of comfort, moss, nostalgic summer evenings, kisses on the neck
☆ gemini ☆
ballet, heart warming smiles, the ramones, watercolor eyes, barbie magic of the pegasus, incense, puppy face, the color white, elegance, the scent of mint when the wind blows
★ cancer ★
sunflowers, surfing, rosy cheeks, childhood dreams, cloud shaped sunglasses, blue tops, magazines, the number 2, pugs, the ocean
☆ leo ☆
kingdom dance from tangled, cartoons, dyed hair, spontaneous trips, the feeling of a warm and much needed hug, festivals, hope, iced tea, soft blankets, headphones
★ virgo ★
chocolate brown eyes, earthquakes, quality time, cats, roadtrips, neatly painted nails, matcha latte, golden hour, sharing snacks, apologies
☆ libra ☆
stealing glances, waterlilies, salvatore by lana del rey, tiny doodles, honey, butterflies, garage sales, pink hearts, a peck, lashes
★ scorpio ★
silk, dragons, tanned skin, tulips, the feeling of relief after doing something confronting, dior hypnotic poison, a pinkie promise, reminder by the weeknd, nana manga, sea storms
☆ sagittarius ☆
pictures of the clouds, thrift stores, cresent moon, rodents, fantasy movies, history, wooden floors, the number 22, khaki pants, amsterdam
★ capricorn ★
hand kisses, the stars, laughing so hard your stomach hurts, poppies, sweet nothing by taylor swift, tall corridors, admiring from afar, friend groups, paintings, advice
☆ aquarius ☆
acceptance, coming of age movies, colors, dancing under the moon, cupcakes, pigtails, skinny dipping, greece, studio ghibli, crystals
★ pisces ★
droopy eyes, love in its purest form, shells, tulip fields, sundresses, 3AM convenience store runs, vanilla scented candles, sacrificing oneself, cinnamon buns, horror
⋆ ˚。 ୨୧
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Sweet Amber, How are you doing? I know its Curtis and Honey week going on and I might sound selfish and I'm sorry for that but I really want to know how does halloween look like for Alpha Steve and LO?
What do they do in spooky season? I have a feeling LO craves for pumpkin latte and pumpkin pie. and Steve would bake her some pumpkin cupcakes from the scratch.
Ahhh, yes it might be Curtis and Honey month, just because they are domestic bliss and Honey LOVES fall even if Curtis isn't as fond of it. Lol.
BUT I am always open for talking about Alpha Steve and Little One as long as you guys all want to hear about those two! I love them heart and soul. They will always live with me.
I was just saying last night about how I can picture Steve making the woods around the lake into a pumpkin walk for the pack, but mostly for his Little One because he just knows she will love it.
They would play with each other, chasing one another through the forest while the Jack o Lanterns were all lit up.
I did write this little image back in 2020 (Omg how have I been on here working on Alpha Steve and Little One for so long?)
But Steve would go all out for Halloween, because his Little One was denied it for so long that all holidays are gonna be big and special for them. Both in private and with the rest of their pack.
All the wild bonfire dances, dressing up and trick or treating with the kids in the nearby town, at home Little One and Steve make all the fall themed desserts and drinks till they are unable to have anymore. Then they share with everyone. Sara will just randomly come over and raid Little Ones cookie jar.
Scary movie marathons, pumpkin carving contests and telling each other spooky stories in the nest. On Halloween night Little One can be found standing on the back deck, admiring the moon and claiming she can feel the magic of the night while Steve is hugging her from behind, rumbling he will keep her safe while kissing and nuzzling her.
Halloween becomes a time of playfulness for the wolves, hunting one another in the bond and while shifted through the autumn forest- darting through colorful piles of leaves and snapping at them while they are floating down to the forest floor. The harvest moons are so bright that all through the night the wolves sing their songs, making the night a little more wild feeling.
But let's get in our soft Alpha Steve and Little One feels-
Steve thought of himself as a decent cook. He could make a mean breakfast on the stovetop, whip together a meal on the grill, and in times of necessity from his howling commando days, he could make something on the fire that could feet a whole troop.
But baking wasn't exactly his area of expertise. But when you rolled over to him in the nest, nuzzling up against him with that sleepy satisfaction that you went into at times, usually after the two of them had completely wrecked each other, you muttered something about craving some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, like the ones in town.
That bakery was closed, but Steve was a determined wolf and with the encouragement of the Alpha and the Little Wolf, he scooped you up, making you giggle while wrapping your bare thighs around his waist and arms around his neck, nuzzling in against his neck and nibbling with touches of your tongue rasping along the column of his neck. "What are you doing Alpha?"
"You're gonna teach me to make you those muffins." He informed you while perching you onto the edge of a counter, biting your shoulder playfully before reaching for your mouth, kissing you enough to make you whimper when he pulled away.
"You gonna cook for me naked?" You teased as he pulled away and Steve rolled a shoulder while opening up the pantry. His muscled back and tight ass making you tilt your head and bite your lip.
"Snack and a Show Little One. Tell me what we need."
So you did, listing off ingredients and going step by step, watching as Steve was meticulous in following your instructions. All while you taste sampled whenever he held up the spoon to double-check the taste, teasing one another with little playful quips or quick little touches that made Steve constantly growl at you while he was trying to concentrate.
Never serious though, cause he would sneak you looks with encouragement for you to continue. In your bond the Alpha and Little One chased at each other, disappearing from each of your consciousness from time to time.
You just let your lips wrap around Steve's thick calloused fingertip, sucking off the pumpkin muffin batter while humming. His eyes flashed dangerously glowing blue at you. "Mmhh, more spice." You leaned over towards the jars of spices lined up nearby and plucked one up, popping it open and inhaling. "Mmhh, yup, needs more this."
Steve sniffed at it, his nose curling at the strong spiced scent. "You sure? I already added lots of this."
"Oh I'm sure." You plucked the bottle from him and gave a generous shake. "And now, the second best part. Besides the pumpkin."
"Ahhh, the chocolate." Steve dangled an open bag in front of you, allowing you to shove your hand in and grab some of the rich morsels of chocolate.
"The chocolate. Dump them all in Steve!" You held a frozen chip out to him, and he opened his mouth for you to pop it in for him while he did as you requested.
Finally, Steve was very carefully placing the muffin tin into the oven and pushing aside the dirty dishes away from you, he stepped into your embrace, your legs wrapping around his waist again and your hands sweeping up his hairy muscled chest while you stared at him with hooded eyes.
"You know the way to your mate's heart, chocolate chip pumpkin muffins. I should thank you."
You felt his hands sweep along your back and lay claim to the globes of your ass, pulling your center into himmmm. "How you wanna do that Little One?" He rumbled and you started placing kisses along his collarbone.
Chirping out "I got 25 minutes, I got some ideas." You pushed at his chest to push him back and hopped off the counter, twisting to lay your upper half against the cool counter while your ass pushed out for Steve.
The rumble of approval behind you made you grin. "24 now Steve."
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