#so I guess I should just do things instead of tormenting myself about needing to plan everything through
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Okaaaay! 'Week 2' of @encanto-extended-edition event!
Relationships...... (warning: a lot of words, I feel like I am coming up with the stuff on the go, but some pictures too! So please at least have a look at them!)
I am slowly reimagining Daniela's whole narrative and I want to focus on her having the time of her life :)
So, I thought that making her a part of a small chaotic friend group would be fun!
Daniela (left) and Dioselina (middle) are close neighbours, really old childhood friends and are really passionate about art, acting out their favourite books, etc. Bruno joins the group later.
Dioselina
Dioselina is a really huge support for Daniela. She lives on a farm and is used to manual labour from when she was little. Due to an accident, she loses her right arm but is still insistent on helping her parents and siblings. She is kind of stoic and brave, sociable and very confident. Dioselina is like a 'straight one' of the group, the voice of reason. She is more inclined to music than other art, but because she lost her right arm, she is not capable of playing musical instruments and is left (😉) with singing which she does really well.
Her deal with Daniela is that Daniela is 'the creative and crazy one'. As they are close friends, Daniela is comfortable to be her curious and impulsive self around Selina. They really enjoy talking with each other, they have the same sense of humour. And Selina keeps Daniela out of trouble :)
Bruno
Bruno is introduced to Daniela by Dioselina. One day Selina went to him for a vision, than he almost had a breakdown because it was the third vision that had to do with the agriculture that day. Selina felt sorry for him and asked about the familiar book she'd seen on the shelf when she'd entered the room. They talked a bit and she left. She starts to visit him, they talk about the book and they get close really fast.
Bruno isn't really shy at this age. He is adventurous and gets really irritated that he has to do visions for everyone everyday (because they are good visions mostly). He has some friends at school, but most of them think he is weird, because he can infodump about books or future for hours and has no filter, so he sometimes says a lot of disturbing shit. His sisters love him and defend him against bullies, but they have too much responsibility. They skip school a lot and don't really share his interests.
So, when he meets the girls, he is over the moon. They share his interests, they listen to his rambles and come up with scenarios even crazier than he saw in the future 'movies' (whatever that means) and they don't 'censor' him. Of course, it takes time for Daniela to warm up to him, but she does eventually.
The group
As a group they are a menace really. Bruno is usually the one that initiates 'the troubles', Daniela supports him and makes it more unhinged and Dioselina is here to look at those idiots fail and then help them.
At first, they try to prevent Bruno's visions from coming true. As an experiment they try to not let old Señora Sevanna's favourite apple tree fall but they unknowingly trigger said vision and end up in trouble.
As Bruno is overly righteous, after some not good people asking for his vision, he asks the girls multiple times to help him take revenge. Daniela usually gets really agitated and they come up with a thousand plans to kill the guy, but Dioselina reasons with them and they instead steal his chicken or trick him into thinking his barn is haunted.
Also, I thought, one time, they try to make Bruno more popular. They fake some of his visions, Dioselina gossips around town that she had heard only good things from him, because his limit of good news is one vision a day, but it ends in the whole town standing in line and fighting to get Bruno's vision first.
With time they become less interested in the shenanigans. They gossip about their respective sisters and brothers, their friends from school, discuss their future. Daniela is the one that brings up 'adult stuff' on the group meetings. She hangs out with her brother and sister's friends sometimes and also found a dirty book in her siblings' room, though she doesn't know who it belongs to.
SO being high on the hormones and her mother disapproving her friendship with Bruno, they start a relationship, which ends fast. They aren't exactly ready for marriage (they are 16 and 18 come on), and Daniela doesn't want even to kiss Bruno. They decide to be friends, but after a year or two he falls in love with her and is low key miserable.
(a first version of their group 'photo' in their 20-ies)
(a second one, which is accidentally a Modern AU and look! they wear each other's colors!)
Okay, when they are 20-ish they still hang out. They love playing little pranks, but generally they have their own struggles and really miss hanging out every day.
Bruno gives more bad visions with time and becomes more of a recluse. He still goes to town, sometimes they meet with Dioselina, he visits Daniela's workplaces (sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose). The girls are worried about him and try to cheer him up. In public spaces he is shunned and Bruno is very uncomfortable, even more when Daniela is almost screaming at people for being jerks and Dioselina tries to shut her up. In private Dioselina and Daniela end up having conversations that Bruno can't contribute to and he gets frustrated and leaves. The girls try to make things better by making the town not that feared of Bruno again, but fail. Bruno is hurt that he is a-
Oh no, it is sad again. Soooo, let's end here, before it becomes worse :)
#teawizard art#encanto oc#encanto oc event#oc: daniela#oc: dioselina#I don't really want to dive into Daniela's relationship with her mother#and her siblings#I am still struggling to make Daniela a compelling character#I always bump into her being everything and nothing at the same time and I am really afraid to make her too contradictory??#I don't know how to say this#and as much as I like writing these posts and letting my imagination run wild#my perfectionism is making me go 'oh no I need to write about every minor thing happening to them so that I know the characters soooo well-#-that I can write a perfectly believable story and their motivations would make sense#but I'm like#not sure of my own motivations most of the time#so I guess I should just do things instead of tormenting myself about needing to plan everything through#thanks for coming to my ted talk#and I wish you the best day ever
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The Once and Future Knight
One day years after landing in the Ever After, Jaune finds himself on the edge of a mental breakdown after being led into a Punderstorm by the Curious Cat. The Cat had just finished nonchalantly teasing him after Jaune told him about his mentor and first love. And in his frustration Jaune was caught unaware by the storm as he asked the Curious Cat what he should have done instead.
He is bombarded by different versions of himself, each representing possible paths his life could have taken. They take turns taunting him for the decisions he's made thus far and tormenting him with what could have been. Many of these variants mock him for how he mishandled his relationship with Pyrrha and her obvious feelings for him blaming him for her death.
Rusted!Jaune: [Drained after violently sobbing within the storm]
???: Wow, I'm really here! This is my future, you're me!
Rusted!Jaune: [wary from that gaunlet of self hate]
Rusted!Jaune: Who are you?
V3!Jaune: I'm you from our second year at Beacon, during the Vytal festival. I was just about to have a talk with Pyrrha and found myself here. So I guess you know my future right?
V3!Jaune: There are some things I gotta just to know! I mean how often do you get a chance like this? For instance; Pyrrha... I think I might have feelings for her but after all shes done for me I don't think I deserve to be with her.
V3!Jaune: Will I ruin our friendship if I pursue these feelings or will we end up getting... you know, together-together?
The innocent question from his still hopeful young self serves as an anchor for the Rusted Knight, granting the tortured man a serene moment of respite in this emotional maelstrom
Rusted!Jaune: You... your gonna love her until the day you die. It was never about being worthy.
V3!Jaune: [Smiling knowingly, content with his revelation]
V3!Jaune: Maybe I don't need to know anymore than that.
As he fades away The Rusted Knight rises from his knees having collected himself, his spirit fractured but not yet broken. As the storm clears he notices the Curious Cat staring at him almost expectantly. But that can wait, he was behind schedule and the Paper Pleasers needed him.
#jaune arc#rwby#arkos#rwby volume 9#rwby incorrect quotes#source: duckman#source: the once and future duck
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2023 Review
This has been the worst year in my life. (Long post.)
Nicholas died in February. I thought he was just constipated, but he was 20 years old and my vet insisted I take him to the emergency clinic. I didn't like the place even then. They have all this fancy equipment, and they overcharge and overtest to pay for it. They insisted he stay overnight, which I didn't want, and wouldn't let me say goodbye to him. They called later to say I was right. They'd given him an enema, but wanted to watch him overnight. I should have gone to get him then. They called at 2 AM to tell me he'd died.
He started living under my car and following me around shortly after I moved into my apartment. He had horrible health problems, including stomatitis which made his breath and saliva smell horrible. I think that's why his previous people abandoned him. The idea of him dying alone in a cage thinking I'd done the same torments me. If I'd just followed my instincts it wouldn't have happened that way. I don't think well under stress anymore. I miss him so much.
That was my winter. This past spring I almost died myself. (I'm not going into the details about what happened.) I've read the hospital notes, and my oxygen rate got so low they even called my uncle at one point to see if he wanted them to try and resuscitate me if my heart stopped. I was in the hospital for weeks, but I only remember the last 4 days or so of being there.
I ended up losing the use of my non-dominant hand from a compression injury, and have been in constant pain ever since. The muscles from mid-forearm down have wasted away. You don't realize how much you need that hand until you can't use it anymore. I've always been healthy before this, and it's been a huge adjustment. I feel like I've aged about 10 years. Crafting was one of my main hobbies, and I can't do that anymore. It takes me forever to type anything out now too. ETA: The non-stop pain has been the worst thing.
Everyone except my mother knew she's had Alzheimer's for years. (She refused to believe it.) She lost touch with reality completely while I was in the hospital. The neighbors had to call the police, and they took her to the hospital where she lives. I don't know if the stress of my being in the ICU pushed her over the edge, or if it was just a coincidence. She had already started hallucinating some before that. My father has been in assisted living for Alzheimer's since 2018, and now she is too.
Contrary to what a lot of people think assisted living is paid for completely out of pocket. Regular health insurance doesn't pay for it, nor does Medicare. It requires long term care insurance, which they don't have. It's not cheap either. Hopefully they will have enough to last as long as they need it, but it's not a sure thing. If they do spend all their money, they'll end up on Medicaid in a government funded nursing home.
Assisted living is like living in a small apartment with daily activities, and even trips. (I moved them near me into 2 really good ones. ((They don't get along.)) My father is even gaining weight, and doing so much better. I go see them once a week.) A nursing home is like living in a hospital.
My father had a good job, (upper-middle class), but was forced into early retirement at 55 due to bad-mouthing the new exec at HQ. He was used to being the (regional) boss, and never got another job. That's 10 years of income he didn't earn.
What's even worse is they made each other their POA's instead of someone younger. After my father was put in assisted living, my mother met a man at an Alzheimer's support group who conned her into allowing him access to all her accounts. Everyone told her not to do it, but he's a CPA, and she had no experience with handling the finances.
I know he had a wife with Alzheimer's because Janice met her when she helped him find an assisted living for her. So he was there for a real reason, but I guess he saw an easy mark and decided to go for it. He made sure never to be around when I was there. She and I don't get along anyway, but I think he was also poisoning her against me based on some comments she's made.
It all came to a head late last year as her Alzheimer's got worse. I found out by accident that he has been stealing from them ever since he was given access to the money. He had romanced her into doing that and leaving everything to him in the will, a new will he wrote. As well as I can figure out he told her he just wanted to be friends as soon as he got what he wanted.
I tried to get a new will written, but her Alzheimer's was too bad at that point, and lawyers refused. My uncle saw a lawyer earlier this year, and he said we're screwed. When she dies the guy gets everything, even if my father is still alive. She's a narcissist who has ruined my life over and over ever since I was born. Now she's going to ruin things after death too.
I'm having to go through their 3 story house crammed with decades of things to get it ready to be sold. The basement is so full you can barely walk through it. I'm single, with no kids or siblings so it's just been me.
At the moment I'm pretty sure I finally have COVID. I have to stay isolated since I was exposed over christmas anyway, so I don't see the point of getting tested right now to find out for certain. I'm fully vaccinated, and my symptoms are very mild. My fear is of developing long covid.
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~I'm mis~behav~ing! To the volcano I was expressly told not to visit.
There's a strange crystal jutting out of this mountain. I'm sure it's not important.
So this is Torment Peak. Bit of a misnomer since we are at the base of the mountain but okay. We've got a mysterious door that only Solstice Warriors can open.
Pardon, that not even Solstice Warriors can open. My mistake.
Don't really see what the big deal is if everything's locked down. Doesn't really warrant a "STAY AWAY FROM THE DANGER ZONE" command.
Unless he thinks I'm a determined little shit who will keep banging her head against a brick wall until it caves in. Which. Fair.
In any case, I guess we should go check out the Sacred Grove now.
Also, there's a giant tower in the ocean with a crystal. Bet you money that crystal, like, beams light onto the prism and then Something Something.
That is a very large mechanism and I want to see it active. For shits and giggles.
I am ready, at long last to make paths through water. This has to be what my prophecy was about. I'm pretty sure we fulfilled Garl's back at Malkomud and Zale's dragging his feet on accepting lunar supremacy but this has to be my moment. Let's go!
Right after story time.
Is this about the Botanical Horror? I was wondering what the hell that was.
Sounds like Death needs to lower her fucking standards. She has reaped the lives of every living thing that has ever been on this planet and not one of them, not one was ever good enough for her?
Staring at the magnificent beauty of nature like, "EHHHH, 6 out of 10." Needing scientists to fabricate a shape that's impossible to occur in nature before you'll deign to call it pretty is the very epitome of unrealistic beauty standards.
Hold up, why is Death's magic wicked? It's a natural part of the life cycle.
Maybe this was all in good fun. I mean, the botanist was trying to prank Death. Maybe Death pranked back.
Oh goddammit, is this the Celestial Willow again? Does every part of this world have telepathic compulsion flora!?
That has to be a trap. I don't buy that Death would have woven an enchantment that bestows immortality to others.
Yep, that's a trap alright. So instead of counter-pranking the botanist, Death counter-pranked everyone.
Botanist: Let's do an immortality experiment. I'm gonna make a flower so pretty that even Death will refuse to claim its life.
Death: Funny. I'll raise you the Instant Regret Rose! You guys want immortality so bad, huh? How much are you willing to utterly destroy yourselves to get it? Let's find out! It's like a contest except that the only way to win is to make peace with mortality and stop trying to cheat me.
But unfortunately, there are others. Some people would take the existence of such a thing as a self-imposed challenge. Not even for the immortality. Once you've put a pain flower out into the world, there are people, especially men in their late teens or early twenties, who are going to make it a contest of pride to see who can hold the pain flower the longest.
Just. Because.
I. Kinda. Want it.
Not for myself. Of course not. But it's an eldritch flower that causes irreversible lasting harm to anything that touches it. If there was a way to weaponize that....
Like, I wouldn't dare wrap any part of my staff in it. Do you know how often you touch yourself with any given part of a bo staff? Both on purpose and by accident? There is no safe location anywhere on this thing for something so vicious as the Instant Regret Rose.
But if we could make. Like. A jabby stick or a club or something with the rose on the end? We could really fuck some people up with that.
See? It was a prank. One that I'm sure must have been absolutely hilarious from her perspective.
"Wicked magic." That's fucking rude, Teaks.
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I’ve been inquiring into Orthodoxy for a few months (coming from protestantism) and I don’t know for certain yet if I will choose to convert, I guess because I have a few hangups. I attended Divine Liturgy at my local parish for the first time last week and intend to continue worshipping with them and talking to the priests there, but I figured I would bring my questions to you as well.
I’ve been watching interviews and talks from Dr. Jeannie Constantinou, who seems absolutely brilliant and I love her. I’ve heard her explain at least 5 different times now this notion of “phronema,” basically the mind of the Church (the mind of the Apostles, as taught by Christ) and how the Eastern phronema is so different from the West because of the West’s emphasis on human reasoning. I appreciate mystery; mysticism and apophatic theology is what attracted me to Orthodoxy in the first place. But while denouncing Western appeals to reason and emphasizing appeals to Tradition and the mysteries therein, two examples she brought up were same-sex marriage and universalism, basically saying that no matter how reasonable an argument one might make, it’s not Tradition and therefore invalid.
While I’m honestly not sure what to believe about homosexuality (I have pro-LGBT leanings personally but am unconvinced either way I guess), I believe in a “Biblical Universalism,” the idea that Hell is temporary and ultimately corrective rather than punitive, like a furnace to purify gold of any dross. It makes the most philosophical sense to me, I see it in the Scriptures, and (most importantly in this context) I see it as historical.
I’ve read a summary of the points brought up in the book “Universalism, The Prevailing Doctrine of the Christian Church During Its First Five Hundred Years” by John Wesley Hanson and found them to be very compelling. It seems to show that universalism ought to have been preserved in Tradition, but for many reasons did not, and instead the idea of eternal torment in Hell has solidified.
Now we’re in a spot where the likes of the brilliant Dr. Constantinou is saying that, no matter how reasonable a stance like this might seem, we cannot rely on our own reasoning, as she appeals to the Apostolic Tradition. Truly, I don’t want to be prideful or arrogant, and I wish to conform my thinking in all ways to Christ. But it seems that such a stance should have been Tradition all along.
Please, how can I reconcile this? I think I want to participate in the Orthodox life. I like your worship, your prayers, your fasting, your asceticism, your mysticism, and (the bulk of) your theology. I think Orthodoxy is likely the closest to ancient Christianity. But must I take your tradition as wholly infallible? Is this an issue I need to humble myself on and conform to, or can I truly be welcomed if this is my view?
Tradition isn't "wholly infallible" because, for the most part, it was created by man. In general Orthodoxy teaches that, although we do have all we need for Salvation, some things we do not know for sure and that sometimes we must rexamine said tradition for new truths. Homosexuality wasn't really explored by the early fathers because homosexuality as we know it didn't exist. I think people see the Bible (and the words of the Church Fathers) as too black and white rather than something nebulous and deep. A common belief in the Orthodoxy of the people is something called "Hopeful Universalism" wherein those who believe it (myself included) argue that because God is infinitely loving and good then he would likely wish to reconcile all sinners to him but that we cannot know for sure and that free choice presupposes that there must be an option for those who might never choose to reconcile. You'll find that Orthodoxy has a lot of variation in belief, just ask about our infinite arguments over if Toll Houses are literal, a metaphor or heresy! I think you're a lot like me my sibling in Christ and I'm still here! Keep at it my friend.
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Personal: This Person Just Uncleaned My Apartment
I think I need to tell you about the Cleaner, because OMG, but for that you will need context on my pain/meds situation.
So less pain does not remotely equal no pain. My hip joints were a mess Wednesday, and only a little better Thursday. My shoulder joints, and thus my arms, started to go bad Thursday. The fundamental things wrong with my body aren't fixable, but the new meds are doing a stellar job on what I think of as the secondary pain, IE: everything else not joint or tendon or in their immediate vicinity. It is far more effective than the muscle relaxants I've been using for decades at this since it's hitting the nerves and not just the muscles. It also adds to the tired. So much to the tired. Bonus: on the new dose, I get dizzy if I don't rest enough, and the heart palpitations hit longer and harder when they hit.
Dramatically better means for an extreme chronic pain/chronic illness perspective, not from a remotely healthy person's perspective, if you follow. I was into about a month of unbearable torment when we tried the one pill dosage. I'm still not sure my system can handle the two pills, and I plan to stick to this dose. They are supposed to last eight hours, but I get an extra four hours of partial coverage per pill, and like I said the side effects are scaling up on me.
So right now my balance sucks, I'm exhausted, and my shoulder joints scream at me if I try to do anything remotely strenuous with them, you follow?
So far I've had four different cleaners turn up, two of them twice. Three of those are hard and thorough workers. One of those will not wear her mask. I put up with it because I am wearing mine and turn on all the fans and I'm scared if I don't take her, no one will come. (see five skipped cleaning appointments in a row).
Cleaning is a hard fucking job and they are underpaid, get no benefits, no set hours, and have to pay their own travel costs including for the ferry if they are coming from the reservation and that is a lot of gas. I respect cleaners. I've done it, after all, amoung the many shit jobs I had over the years. I trust them to know what they are doing. This has been the case in three instances. Most of the conversation with those three cleaners has been things like: Where does this go? Where is (whatever) kept? What should i do next? I refuse to micro manage. In my experience, micro managing is dramatically less efficient and just insults the person doing the job. I know I hated it, when I was the person being micro-managed. This works great for Goth Millennial and for the other three cleaners on the other four occasions.
I'm sure you are sensing the big but here.
So the cleaner who came today, turned up the other time she was here high as a kite. I don't mean a little buzzed, which is fairly normal in this town and this state. Weed's been legal here for ages. People with shitty service jobs occasionally come to work a schootch high. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things if, say, your barista's a little buzzed. I don't partake myself for a host of reasons, but most of my friends since... I'm going to say 1985, have/do. A little high is no big deal.
Orbiting Pluto without a suit is. She was way out of it girl at a party who's friends have to watch her like a hawk high. She was barely coherent high. She drove here. O.o. She drove home. This terrifies me. after some consultation with my friends including them seeing the mess she made and me acting out vignettes, our best guess is she must have dramatically misjudged an edible. (It had to be vape or edible. I would have smelled smoke. Edible makes the most sense for both the degree of Jesus fuck high and the thinking she was fine when she left home, but waaaay not fine when she got here. Surely she would have cancelled otherwise, right?).
So basically instead of my working away at the aggregate or tumblr queue programming or whatever, it was a lot like baby sitting a toddler who would not shut up, only the toddler would make more sense and the mess would have likely been confined to things in a toddler's reach. I had to go around after she left and actually use the forbidden to me for safety reasons ladder to save a bunch of my cups and glasses from the accident I could see happening the second Squirrel opened a dish cupboard because he had jammed them in their so precariously that the door was the only thing preventing them falling. Goth Millennial came the next day and had to take everything out and restack it. I could live with the fitted sheet being inside out, so we left that for today.
I did not turn her in to the asshole agency because 1. worker solidarity. I never went to work on a substance, but I've worked so, so many shit jobs and the Asshole Agency is terrible. 2. I was pretty sure it was a mistake involving an edible. 3. I was big on giving people another chance when I was teaching. On fuck up shouldn't lat for ever unless that fuck up was malicious or really damaging to other people.
Well, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me.
No, she was not noticeably high this time, though I couldn't rule a mild buzz out. She also had a shamefaced and subdued demeanor that clearly told me she knew how badly she'd fucked up last time. She said she'd signed up for me on purpose instead of her other option because I was really nice to her and my apartment was full of interesting things to look at while she cleaned. My apartment is full of interesting things to look at and I suspect she liked me because I was consistently kind to her when she was a mess last time and hadn’t turned her in. She really is sweet and nice and she is clearly trying her best but not remotely the sharpest tool in the shed. Which can be fine. I've known a lot of good workers over the years with significant developmental or accident related challenges and they did fine. She wasn't in that category, but I realized she'd need extra supervision compared to the others. I underestimated how much.
She did walk right up to Tavy and start petting him right away like last time which again confused and alarmed him. Sure, Squirrel and I and a couple of the Millennials can do that because we are his particular friends, but he barely knows her and and she would NOT stop doing that last time no matter how many times I told her he was a biter and apt to maul when he was worked up. I was so proud of him because he did not attack her the first three times, and honestly the forth time, I would have bitten her too in his place.
Tavy was noticeably wary of her. He did want to watch what she was doing, but he remembered her. (By contrast, the other cleaners he'd watch from a distance for a while, and then follow around and in a couple cases, get me to pick him up so he could get a better look. He really took to the GNC person who came once, and kept sniffing their legs). He did let her pet him without biting her, and she was together enough to stop when I told her he was down, and leave him alone for the rest of the two hours when I said he was in a mood to hang out and watch but not interact.
I got her through the linen change okay and last time she was so high she forgot we had a dishwasher after she'd emptied it and it took her most of her shift except the linen change, but the dishes looked and smelled clean, so I set her to that and did not remotely supervise her enough. This I did not discover until evening, but we'll get to that.
Then I set her to sweep and mop, which... Like I've worked a lot of restaurant jobs, often with people in a supported worker with severe intellectual challenges. I've never seen one who'd been doing it for years who couldn't do it correctly. She said she'd been doing this for several years.
Assuming makes an ass out of me, doesn't it?
Oh gods the mess she made! I should have known it was too hard for her when she started prepping for mopping before sweeping. So I told her to sweep first, which she did. I told her to dump the water in the sink, not the tub, which turned out to be very, very lucky. (The tub is the most expensive thing I own. A city program that remodels for elderly and disabled people paid for it. I will never be able to afford to fix or replace it. There are super strict cleaning directions for a reason, because the mechanism is delicate.) I told her to use the liquid all purpose cleaner under the sink. I should have got it out and prepped the bucket myself, but bending hurts and I was exhausted and dizzy and my arm situation was deteriorating. I should have done it anyway, because this is So. Much. Worse.
She used a ton of water. Like way, way to much water in a way that suggested she did not wring the mop and/or she was dumping puddles out of the bucket. It was a terrifying fall risk situation because this was the end of her shift and I really really needed to get ready for bed as soon as she left and forage delivery was late so I had to go drag it in, just as I'd given up and settled into bed. So I'm dizzy with unreliable legs, using both hands and going careful back and forth over this swamp of a floor with a weird gritty, soapy texture. Which is... not what you want in a cleaner for elderly and disabled people. I could fall and end up in the hospital under those conditions. And it;'s not like I could want a couple hours for it to dry. There was no point in washing my feet in the bathroom, so I kept using wipes on them before getting into bed.
Then I woke up to pee and realized just how bad it really was. *head desk* My best guess is she used Ajax, which is stored under a bookshelf in the bathroom, not under the sink. Like a TON of Ajax. The kitchen sink and nearby counter was caked with it and the floor was tacky and gritty and full of muddy footprints. I couldn't leave it like that. I cleaned the sink. I took the other mop with the disability friendly easy to wring it out attachment which had been to complicated for her head and wet mopped it all again, frequently rinsing and wringing it out, until my arms basically gave out and I had to wash up and take a nap.
It's still incredibly dirty. I feel like crying, because I can't feel clean unless my feet are. I've been skating around on damp towels, but though my hip joints are a lot better this evening, I wear out fast and it hurts quite a bit if I do it too much. I hate leaving a terrible mess like this for the millennial, but I simply can't mop any more with these arms. I'd have been so much better off giving her something else to do, but I couldn't think of anything else simple enough for her, and I know from last time she will not leave early no matter how much I tell her she can just clock out at the end of the hour.
At this point I was debating what to do. I had settled on calling Monday and asking them to put her on my no list without giving a reason, because I simply can't go through this again. It's too hard on my body and it's incredibly could seriously injure me dangerous.
Then I went to feed the Empress Livia and discovered something worse.
I'm medically fragile. Amoung so many other things, I have an immune system that is far more interested in own goals than fighting pathogens. I can and will catch anything you expose me too. Anything. I also have a dicey digestive system. Anything I use to prepare food or eat or drink needs to be really fucking clean. We prewash for grease and stuck on food then run them through the washer to make sure the soap and anything else is off. yes, I know this is bad for the environment as it uses extra water, but it’s a serious safety issue for me.
I was very, very clear on directions because I remembered last time. “Wash the dishes and then put the in the dishwasher. The dishes in there are dirty, so don’t put them away. I will run the washer after you leave.” Did she do that? No. Were the dishes cleaned and dried, which would be reasonably acceptable as an alternative? No. They were jammed in with the clean dishes, soaking wet and covered in soap bubbles six or seven hours after she left. We'll have to go through all the pans tomorrow. I pulled the pans and dishes I remembered were in the sink yesterday. I have no way of guessing with the glasses and flatware and I don't know which things Squirrel put in there.
I am exhausted and I hurt and I've been pushed way past the limit of what my body can handle in a day and I can't trust my dishes or the glass I'm drinking out of and I can't get the dirty Ajax grit off my feet. I'm going to go take a bath, but my feet will be dirty again the second I touch the floor.
She's another poor person. I feel like a class traitor just putting her on my no list, but she could theoretically kill an elderly person with her mopping, and I can't decide if I should say something, because anything I do will be a terrible option.
This person literally uncleaned my apartment. I just....
Look, I know it’s a free service, but this is so very much worse than when they don’t send anyone.
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Just some venting, so plz ignore unless you wanna read my weird thoughts and whatnots
I was feeling fucking INSANE and MANIC all weekend and really down on myself because of my appearance, where I am in life right now, dealing with feelings of loneliness, and had some just bizarre thoughts about, like, becoming a party gay and doing hard drugs and anything to like radically change my life and myself and live a life like all these big city gays who glamorize their lives with travelling and going to clubs and shit.
Seriously, I was having kind of an enormous meltdown and I’m glad one of my bestest friends helped to ground me with some hard truths and advice, but I guess in the end, what I really wanna know is, like, WHY did I feel any of that? I have NEVER even entertained the idea of dipping my toes in the circuit gay/party gay lifestyle and then all of a sudden I break down and wanna start snorting cocaine because some hot podcaster posted a pic of a bump straw?? Like, bruh, that’s not me, that’s not the kind of life I have ever wanted to live. Decadence and hedonism are honestly a good chunk of my self, but self-destrucive habits like chemsex and shit just… it’s not for me, I sure don’t condone it, and I don’t want a boyfriend/partner who indulges in that.
Now, I do wanna clarify, there’s nothing wrong with weed, booze, or poppers (tho of course, those are addictive too and should be used carefully), or getting drunk and having a good time at the club or rave, like, that’s fine and looks like fun! But destroying your body with cocaine, meth, garbage like that just to enhance your sociability and sexual pleasure at a fuckin’ party is so fucking deranged to me and is a nightmare scenario for me. I don’t want any part of that kind of lifestyle and if that’s what you like, cool?? But I want nothing to do with it lol
I wanna look like them tho. I want people to tell me how hot I am, I want guys to wanna fuck me instead of telling me they don’t like fat dudes, I wanna be desired, lusted over, I wanna be like these beautiful instagays with their chiseled bodies and perfect hair and I know, I KNOW that to look like that you need assloads of money and tormenting yourself with extremely rigorous dieting and basically living at the gym, but God, I want to looke like them. I wanna look like the guys I draw, with their hourglass figures, their beautiful hair, their tight clothes that accentuates their rockin’ bod. Honestly, truly, deep down tho, I just don’t want to be fat, I don’t care if I don’t look like Nik Lee or Gabriel Mansur, but I just don’t wanna be fat!!!!
I think this is the real root of my fucking problems. I have to pay more for bigger clothes anywhere I go, there’s so many things I want to wear but literally physically cannot because I’m fat, like dude, I’m so fucking tired of it.
I’m so fucking tired.
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Last night my s/o had a fake suicide attempt. He said he had taken too many sleeping pills and was having an overdose, I panicked and begged him to go to a hospital, to seek help of something, but he just kept refusing and instead just texted me weird messages and called me while weeping and mumbling (my mom is very sick and I traveled to take care of her, so my s/o and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few weeks). Since I wasn't there, I couldn't see him, all I had were those texts and calls and the information that he was apparently in the streets at 3 am...I have chronic anxiety, so I guess you can imagine the mental toll a situation like that had on me, my s/o was having an overdose and I couldn't help him or call an ambulance because he wasn't even home...turns out it was all a fucking lie, which I found out the next morning when he said he was completely okay and refused to go to a hospital...I found really weird that he was just ok after an overdose without going to a hospital or something, so I started asking him more detailed questions about the overdose, he contradicted himself so much that he ended up admitting he didn't actually overdosed, he just wanted to see my reaction and if I truly cared about him.
I feel betrayed. That was the worse night in my life, my mom is dying and I thought my partner was as well but couldn't do anything to save neither of them. My s/o does tend to try to catch me cheating by se telling his friends to hit on me, creating fake profiles that hit on me as well, talking me about really attractive friends of him and stuff like that (which was really hurtful, I would never cheat on him and felt like he didn't trust me at all), but faking an overdose drew the line...what should I do? My best friend says I should dump him, but he says if I ever left him he wouldn't have a reason to live...I don't want him to kill himself, but these "tests" are driving me crazy, which is the last thing I need when my mom doesn't have much time in this world. I'm genuinely confused, should I be more patient and comprehensive with him?
I'm going to be very blunt with you here, anon. I don't know if maybe you already know it deep down, or if you need somebody to tell you this, but regardless: you are being abused. your partner is abusive. this is abuse. this is psychological and emotional abuse, to an extreme degree, and you need to get out of there as soon as you can.
you have been betrayed. your partner took your love for him, and used it to take advantage of you. I imagine you've been caring a lot for your mother recently, and likely this was his attempt to get your attention back on him. even if this was a one-off, that would be so inappropriate and also emotional abuse -- but the fact he's constantly fucking around with you, trying to set you up, trying to make you look bad, refusing to put in the same trust as you do... this is atrocious behaviour. to top it all off, he pulls the oldest trick in the Abusive Partner book: "if you leave me, I'll kill myself!"
number one: even if somebody does kill themselves after a break-up, it is never down to only that. unfortunately it may be the last straw for some people, but it is never the only one. number two: even if he was 100% certain to kill himself if you dumped him, who cares. you do not have to be abused to keep his sorry ass alive. it's a terrible shame that he's suffering so badly that he's suicidal, but this gives him precisely zero excuse to torment and abuse another person. you do not have to take any responsibility for his life, and you should never stay in an abusive relationship just to keep your abuser alive. there is no stain on your conscience for leaving an abuser. none.
finally, this aside: it's highly unlikely he will. I have had several abusers tell me they'll kill themselves if I leave them, and would you know, they're all still kicking. it's highly unlikely that he will go through with it, though brace yourself for more fake attempts, or even a low-key real attempt like minor cuts or overdose. I doubt he'll even get that far, though. he's an attention seeker, and if you refuse to give him attention, he will move on. break up with him, cut contact, block him on everything, and refuse to engage. he'll flip out for a few weeks and then get bored. keep a record of everything he says to you, any texts or messages he might get through to you, and try to keep trusted witnesses around you. it probably won't come to it, but in case you need to contact outside help, this kind of evidence is crucial when it comes to abuse that leaves no physical proof.
your best friend is right. dump his ass now. spend time with the people who care about you. enjoy your remaining time with your mother. stay close to your best friend, who has your back. you don't owe him patience, and even if you decided to give it, he won't listen. he is not interested in a happy relationship with you. you are not a person to him; he just wants to use you to stroke his own ego. you deserve so much fucking better, so leave his ass.
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The Goth
Nina did not ask to wake up in an artificial body, forever robbed of her humanity. Designed to be absolutely perfect eye candy. But if anyone HAD asked, she would have said, "FUCK YES!"
She'd have objected to it if she'd known the details, the kind of person the man who abducted her was. But she didn't, and it wasn't as if she was granted a choice. Instead she was granted cybernetic immortality, a body that lived up to the dreams she'd long had but never expected to live out, and absolutely no connection remaining to her past. Who would blame her for abandoning everything she'd had and taking advantage of her new start, her new life?
Okay, so there are SOME downsides. She can't access most of the equipment of the Lab she woke up in, she has to make sure the systems don't revive the mad bastard who made the body she now has, and has to figure out how to carve a space for herself in a world that never expected to have her in it. No name, no identity...
But she's got all the lab's resources, the scientists' finances, and the body she'd always dreamed of. One most men (and a few women) would lust after. She can dress how she's always wanted. Live how she's always wanted. No regrets.
Yeah, she's going to be the goth slut she'd always wanted to be.
Maybe she'll even become a hero.
--- The Origin of her Body
One part perfect Sexbot, one part advanced cyborg. Really, explaining the body of Nina is the easy part. You know the kinds of stories you occasionally see in anime? Where some mad scientist abducts someone to do inhumane experiments on? Occasionally they’ll give their victim some kind of superhuman body to live in?
Take that, at it’s hentai worst. Body designed to be desired, super-humanly strong (to handle whatever the scientist threw at her) resilient (to survive whatever he threw at her) able to self-repair with nanites, a computer back-up for her mind (so he could reset her if anything he did to her actually broke her) and… Well, let’s just say she has an artificial womb and other ‘functionalities’ and leave it at that.
It was meant to be a torment. It was MEANT to torture the person he put into the body, to allow him to do unspeakable things to a victim who could never escape from it, never be free from the inventive and disturbing experiments.
The doctor died of a heart attack when ‘Nina’ woke up after the installation and the first words out of her mouth were "Oh god thank you it’s a miracle!"
He should have chosen his random victim a bit less… randomly.
--- As a Hero! AKA "Oh god did I really let myself be dubbed 'Cybergoth'?"
"Okay so. this is an odd story right?"
"So. I... Well, I always wanted to go cosplay at a convention. I couldn't before all this for... reasons. But now, well, I can right? And I've got the look already down pat so I get together what I need for this KILLER 'The Major' costume. Silver leotard that looks sexy as FUCK, black gloves, leather jacket, the belt, the boots... I got it all. And because I'm planning on partying in the evening, I've got some goggles and a gas mask on me."
"Listen, it's expected, alright? Some things just... are, ok?"
"Anyway I'm dressed for the con and I'm just stopping in a bank to... What? No, I'm not worried about the weather, I don't sweat anymore! Anyway I'm just stopping in to hit the ATM for some funds and some fucker comes in to rob the place! Shot a security guard, was holding a little kid hostage! I had to do something, right? But it's not like I have a REAL identity and I certainly don't want the cops to question why I've got no fingerprints or anything."
"So, yeah. I slip on the mask and goggles, then confront the shooter. So yeah, I got shot but that's not a problem to me anymore. I TOTALLY beat him up and got away while everyone was just sagging in relief. I thought, 'no harm done, except for my cosplay, and I can get the Nanites to fix that for me'."
"Except guess what? I forgot about the news! By mid-day I was all over the local TV as 'mysterious Vigilante' and by the end of the night? I come home from the club to find out now I'm called 'The Cybergoth Hero'."
"Ugh. At least I can change my hair color, nobody thinks it's ME. Not that anybody really knows who I am either..."
(Because people will ask, art is custom for Nina, commissioned from Marauder6272 and colored by a friend)
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Hey so its been a while…
A lot has happened since my last ‘breakdown’. I know that I am severely depressed and anxious but looking back throughout my life, something always felt different, i always felt weighed down. Like i couldn’t breathe, express and be grounded in my body. I always go back to thinking; Where did it all go wrong? Why do I think this way? Why do I act like this? Why do I self-sabotage? Always being in a state of question and fog that it is so hard to really know who i am and my identity is in this world. I feel like I’m never going to get the answer to some of these questions, like they will just linger there with no direction. Like me.
Like my previous posts, I have a hard time getting a fucking grip. Each time I feel like I can be strong and take control of my life, something leaves me feeling in less control than before. It feels like I get the wind knocked out of me each time. Even in my childhood, things would go well for a minute, and then all of a sudden my heads being banged against the kitchen cabinet. So shit like that. I feel like I’ve i emulate that chaotic unpredictable energy, at first it was just my environment but now its me. Now I’m the one destroying my happiness and my accomplishments. I cheated on my partner because I could not believe that I deserve that intimacy, love and compassion she has given me. I don’t know why tf would i bring myself to do that, but I hurt a lot and i guess that was the way it manifested. In no way I am excusing my behavior, yes trauma plays a role but I am still responsible for my choices and who they impact. We are going to couples therapy soon, in order to figure out a couple things. It’s not clear atp if we are going to stay together but therapy would help us better communicate. I have this habit that when my partner is trying to talk about their feelings about what I’ve done, its hard to empathize and be there for her without hating myself and shutting down.
In my childhood, I was a “trouble-maker” ( I don’t believe I was but main reason kids act out is because they want attention or needs are not being met. Mine definitely weren’t, like I wanted to be like every other kid but instead i felt so isolated, my “sister” and mother would often exile me because of my behavior it felt like. I never had a voice or an opinion. My parents even said the only reason they had kids was because we were their servants. They definitely did treat us like so too.) It was just exhausting. I was anxious everyday I cam home because I felt like i was always under a magnifying glass because i was so “sneaky, untrustworthy, fast”. I remember having thought as a child like “well if im such these things, they must be true, I am sneaky, untrustworthy, manipulative”.
This wasn’t just at home chile… I had to deal with the torment in school too. Growing up in NJ was brutal for a black girl like me. One wasn’t like Black American, I was from Haiti. We didn’t have the same social cues and customs. I was made fun of the way i looked, dressed, talked, everything. There was a year in school wear my dad got so frustrated selecting back to school shoes that he picked the ugliest option because i dont fucking know. (We never knew why he did or said the things he did, it was always walking around eggshells with him). Anyways, that whole school year i was made fun of for wearing brown and orange hiking sneakers from sketchers. Look I know my family was struggling with money but come on, especially it was the year Jordan’s were coming out and if you didn’t have them, you were basically a loser. I should be grateful, but it was hard to be when you were told in so many ways that you dont matter. It doesnt matter that you dont like that color or would prefer a different style. That made me learn how to take shit with a smile because if I didn’t like it, that would be another issue I’d regret even expressing.
Anyways, what do i do now. Im so exhausted.
I hate everything I took with me from childhood, I want to release all of that gunk and dirtiness. I want a do-over, a hard fucking reset.
Lately, i have been resonating a lot with BPD. Specifically quiet or discouraged. I am fine on the outside but inside I feel like a little demon running around going crazy and screaming for relief. Like nothing is soothing it.
My IPad is about to die so that’s it for now. Sorrows and Prayers.
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Day 352,
I talked to Theo today.
I didn’t want to worry Cass, but didn’t want to lie to her either, so once we finished the after-school cleaning I simply said that I was in need of some fresh air and a walk and left it to her discretion whether she wanted to keep watching the library or lock up and head home. She’s smart enough that she almost certainly figured something was off, but it’s hardly the first time I’ve abruptly done something strange. And better that she think I’m just having another post-nightmare off day than worry about me succumbing to whatever dire fate Theo warned us about.
For a change, I actually found the old guard right away. Somehow that’s even more unsettling than his usual runaround. He was just standing there in the common area of the mediators’ building. Was he expecting me? When we went into a side room to talk in private he correctly guessed that I was there about the Catacomb Depths and said that he’d figured I’d be around about that sooner or later. But did he know that I’d be there looking for him on that particular day and hour? It seems implausible, but I don’t know what I would and wouldn’t put past him at this point. Just as likely that he’s been hanging around waiting for me for long stretches of time ever since the last mist night.
Whatever the case, I told him about my most recent nightmare. About how the hills and valleys of bones crested one last time like coming to a wall or the upthrust edge of a crater. About how from the top of that crest I could see how the impossibly infinite expanse of bones leveled out into a gradual downward slope that terminated in a blackness unilluminated by the pulsating sourceless ambient light. About how the nightmare’s impetus to movement drew me down to the edge. About how that impetus faded for the first time in dreaming memory once I reached the shore of that black lake. About how the dark waters stretched as far as I could see in every direction except behind me. About how I still carried the spike and club from my prior dream but now they felt unwieldy and pointless. About how I awkwardly shifted them both to one hand so I could pick up another bone to toss in the water. About how it disappeared with a splash that looked and sounded just like water save for the water being black and caught just enough light for the black-on-black distortion of the ripple to be barely visible. About how I walked along the shore in silence for what felt like hours but found nothing and nothing changed. About how I ultimately just sat down and waited until I woke up. About how it felt like something terrible should happen any moment and there was nothing I could do about it. About how the waiting was part of the torment.
I’m intentionally understating all of that. It would do me no good to fully cast my mind back into how I truly felt at the time and describe in detail the pains of bones pressing into the soles of my feet nor the constant unsettling clacking with my every moment nor the burning of my eyes with that metronomic pulse of light that pierced even my eyelids nor the dizzying disorientation of the counter fades to black.
No, it does no good to relive such things more than I need to.
I’m not sure why I told Theo even as much detail as I did instead of just asking him what he knew about the lake and why he would apologize for my reaching it. Maybe I just needed to unburden myself to someone and he was a target unto whom I could do so without guilt that I know I shouldn’t feel anyway.
Theo’s face softened once I finished my recounting and asked my questions. Was that sadness? Regret? Pity? Something about it would have been almost comforting if not for the unsettling implications in Theo feeling he needed to comfort me.
He said that he said he was sorry if I’d reached the lake because he knew of nothing to do to help me if I’d gotten that deep. Not everyone that suffers from regular Catacomb nightmares tells him about it, so there have probably been some that have reached the lake that he wasn’t aware of, but in all the confirmed cases the dreamer’s mental state would begin to decline not long after. Ultimately they’d fling themselves into the Endless Abyss or some other hole they believed would take them physically to the Catacombs. And he truly doesn’t know what happens to them after that. But they never speak of it as a desire to end themselves, unusually claiming that it’s a way to something. Other worlds, precious artifacts, loved ones to bring back. They always seem to expect to survive the ordeal and no bodies are ever found. But they never come back either.
He’s never dreamt of the Catacomb Depths himself, so he can’t say what anybody really sees in their nightmares or what makes them think they’ll find what they will.
Then he asked me what I meant about carrying a spike and club from my previous dream.
I told him about my experiences with the rhythm from that western island’s siren song and my related encounters with the nature sprite.
He went silent for a time.
Considering.
When he spoke up again he told me that song was yet another subtle danger that more than one outsider (and more than one villager) has fallen prey to in the past, becoming little more than feral beasts roaming that island’s primeval forest. Twice though, a victim has been brought back from that by dedicated friends and loved ones, albeit with much time and much difficulty.
He said it was possible (and he emphasized only possible, not even probable) that one drive might cancel out the other. Or override. Or mix and merge into something different. Or compound one another into something worse.
And there’s no telling how my being haunted by a nature sprite will influence the outcome, if at all. Those things are apparently capricious enough that even Theo has trouble predicting what they’ll do.
Doomed or doomed twice over is still doomed. So may as well take the chance and embrace the bloody rhythm the next time the mists come around. Best case scenario it somehow keeps me me. Next best case it saves me from the Catacomb Depths and then my friends need to save me from what the rhythm makes me into. Worst case scenario I fling myself physically into the Catacomb Depths but I’m no longer lucid enough to be existentially terrified by whatever I find on the other side.
That sounds flippant, but how else do I deal with options like that besides despair?
By Theo’s own advice, may as well enjoy what time I still have until the next mist night and not worry about it too much. Either I end up like all the others or I get lucky that my exact combination of circumstances happens to be one that might get me out of it. One way or the other it’s effectively out of my hands now.
There is a peace in that.
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A Little Update
I am tired. I haven't been able to sleep, despite already trying to do so for the past two hours. I really need to get those melatonin pills.
Either way, I guess I'll be taking a little break from this blog. After all, I suppose you already know that I have no intention of helping myself.
I am still scared of things like what I'll lose, whether it's a mistake, whether I'm using transitioning to cover up for something that I overlooked. That's pretty fucking rich coming from someone who's literally taken time to talk about why they're not a femboy instead of screaming about wanting estrogen (which I kinda accepted that I'm not getting in my (relatively short) lifetime). NO THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO GIVE ME THOSE PILLS LEAVE ME ALONE AND NO NO HEADPATS OR HUGS
I don't want to be a burden. Even if that means sacrificing more parts of myself so that others see a living façade of a dead thing. However, I can only sacrifice so much of myself before I die.
I just... want not to see the girls that I envy, or would rather be, when I close my eyes. After all, I don't need to torment myself any longer when I know that I'll just never be one of them, and that pretty much nobody is going to care about who I am, what I am, or what will become of me.
Is that too much to ask?
...
Maybe I should get some sleeping pills. It's getting painful to just stay awake, knowing that my issues pale in comparison to others. Others I know have broken families. I am lucky compared to them. Others I know have suffered through greater mental trauma than I do/did, and survived. My strength is nothing, next to theirs. It's painful knowing that next to nobody cares, not even myself.
Maybe being trans isn't a choice, but the very act of questioning your own place in society is. I could just... choose not to question it, and in turn, avoid the pain, right?
...why did my ex-partner refer me to one of the two people who told me I wasn't crazy? I clearly have something wrong with me. After all, I don't see regular people acting like I do. They don't simp for literally every single person that catches their eye (AS IF YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF ENVYING YOUR COLLEAGUES, OF ALL PEOPLE. SOME OF THEM ARE MARRIED, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME). They don't want to be included so badly into social groups that they know they cannot fit into. (for example, the respective social perceptions of girls and boys mean that even though I want to be a part of the girls as a girl, my bodily differences will inexorably lead to differences in the way that I am being perceived in contrast to- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL READING THIS FOR? GET OUT OF HERE.)
...
I need help.
Then again, you and I both know that I'm not going to help myself, so my previous statement was moot.
Goodnight. Hopefully I don't get nightmares about conscription this time.
... How am I going to live the rest of my life like this?
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I cant do this amymore. The real one I've been trying to convince this whole time has never been you. Not even for a second. There is no convincing you and i know that all too well. I wasnt giving you what you expected from me and you backed me into a corner so i was sent to rehab the first time when i was so very close to going on my own. All i wanted was to be able to talk to you and not get the feeling that you thought you would catch aids just from being in the same room as me. To feel like a fucking human with the ability to make choices not the completely helpless lunatic you made me feel like and convinced my mother i was. One more conversation where you didnt patronize me and it could have been my choice. I know i was on drugs but guess what i was not nearly as deranged as you said. That was the gaslighting. It was re ams it did happen to me. Lets just go with the last year of it with sarah. You told me over and over that she didnt hate me, that she would never say those things to me, even when i had proof. AND THEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD BE OK WITH SHARING YOU. THE ONLY PERSON IVE TRULY LOVED. THE ONE I WOULD COME BACK TO, THE ONE I KNEW I LOVED AT FIRST SIGHT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK I WOULD BE OK WITH ANY OF THAT. Im not even that mad at her, she just wanted you too. I came back too soon. I said that all along and its true. I made us miss our chance, i destroyed our happily ever after because i was impatient wow whats new. You didnt get it when i said that to you. I came back too soon and hurt you yeah, but i hurt me more, i hurt someone who's relationship with you would have ended in the same explosion with or without me. I put myself through the worst mental torment of my life bc i was convinced i would loose you forever if i didnt. Answering your call in june and coming over was the mistake that killed us. That was the point that could have changed a lot. But instead now i have way more trauma than i started my addiction with that i won't even begin to let on about bc just the smallest passing thought still destroies me. My mom sent me a picture of a puzzle that was from either you or your mom and that just about sent me into a big loop in the middle of a meeting. Im sorry for how angry this sounds. Im really not mad, i just don't think you know even a fraction of the damage that was inflicted on me. Our love was something special. But as much as i hate to even entertain this thought...the longer im sober the more evident its becoming that i should have saved myself a whole fuck ton of heartache and tried to move on months ago rather than clinging onto memories. You still talk to the one who physically assaulted me- in never speaking to her again. And last year you tried to tell me i was the problem with me and sarah. I had no df respect and you saw that. My terms are as follows, (honestly idk why i even bother i know what i say will never change a gd thing, unless its drive you away further.)
1. You know how deeply i love you, and i know how you love me. But i hope you know how much everything has hurt me. Relationship and private counseling needs to begin immediately.
2. I'm only saying this because of how traumatic this was. Please do not say a word about a threesome until i say its ok. 2021 had some of the best moments but overall its been the worst year of my life. I need help to heal, and i want to be there for you.
3. I don't care how much she cares, i don't care one fucking bit about any of it i do not want to have to see or hear about sydney. Physical assault, based on her own ideas none of which were true and even my mom still talked to her about me after i explicitly told her to stop. Can't do it. At least not for the next 10-50 years. It's not her, it's the reminder that she was still better than me in your eyes, and always probably will bw unless she becomes an iv heroin addict. Yes my brain is a little fucked up that's what the counseling is for.
4. Stop treating me like I'm an apostate. You left me when I needed you most. I couldn't fight to keep you there because i was literally almost dead. I hadn't used the week leading up to the hospital and yeah, i wanted some when i got out because i needed something to numb the pain of the love of my life said goodbye to me while I'm in the hospital and to weak to be able to stop it. I have theories on why you did it, but good and bad, it got me to the lowest point ive ever been to. And I'm still there. I don't want to live. All this shit fucking hurts, it's exhausting...all the thoughts of all the bad shit i did to you on repeat. I just want it to end. But i have to accept that there will never be an end, unless i wait it out or take it in my own hands. I'm only not doing that for my mom. The only help i want from you in that department is just you... its always quieter around you because you actually make me feel loved.
So after all that,
Im assuming thatll leave us at goodbye. Would be nice to actually get a goodbye but really idk what im thinking I'm a fucking disaster writing this. A goodbye to you would honestly most likely kill me. Yay.
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White Lies
Warnings: smut, oral (male and female receiving), unprotected sex, overuse of the f word, riding, dirty talk, kinda sad ending.
Word Count: 5335
A/N: Sorry my inactiveness this past week, my loves! I’ve just had so much on my plate - hopefully everything will be back to normal this week xx
Also, let me know if my tag list still isn't working for you? I’ve had a few people having issues with it lately.
*** would just like to state for the record I do not condone cheating. Please do not read if this will upset or offend you in any way ***
The empty bottle of wine made Y/N’s body tingle with warmth. Andy’s larger body wasn’t feeling the affects of the alcohol as much, he was a different kind of drunk. His body was more tingly and warm from the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen laying so vulnerably against his side.
Y/N tried to act normal around him, she really had. She desperately attempted to treat tonight like every other night he’d come over to her place. But it was hard to act normal, when the secret of his she’d accidentally uncovered tormented her mind. Y/N knew that tonight was the last time she could ever see Andy.
She first met Andy only a couple of weeks ago when he was assigned to assist a case at the firm she worked at. He’d come in to the reception area looking smart and professional, but his mannerisms were slightly more on the causal side than most lawyer’s she’d liaised with. “Can I help you?” Her voice came out calm, almost soothing to his ears. Andy couldn’t ignore how beautiful she was, or the way his heart skipped a beat as their eyes met. “Yeah, is this where I sign in?” She was immediately attracted to his charm and dopey smile.
“My name’s Andy. M’gunna be working with…” He leaned his palms on her desk with a frown as he tried to wrack his brain, Y/N’s beauty distracting his mind from thinking straight. She watched with a soft smile as he quickly pulled out his phone, checking for the name of the person he was supposed to meet. “William Heartly on the Alberto and Bexley case.”
“Okay, Andy,” Y/N couldn’t keep her eyes off of the charming man. Andy tried to ignore the throbbing of his cock as he admired her, just getting hard from the way she said his name. “I’ll let Mr Heartly know you’re here. Please, take a seat.”
A few days of borderline flirty remarks whilst waiting for the lawyer to come and collect Andy later, and Y/N had grown fond of the blue eyed visitor. They had become quite well acquainted with eachother. She adored the way he seemed to be genuinely interested in talking to her. She was attracted to the way he made her laugh, his kind nature. Everything about him made her crave his attention. He was so different to all the other men she’d met, she’d never felt this way about anyone before. It was as if they were just destined to meet, like the stars had aligned.
“Morning Y/N.”
“So where are you from originally?”
“Here, I bought you a coffee.”
“I’ll see you again tomorrow.”
“What do you do when you’re not at work?”
“We should be finished up on the case by tomorrow.”
“I don’t want it to be the last time I see you. Do you wanna come to dinner with me?”
It was the small things he said that had her heart skipping every time he walked through the door, sometimes unscheduled. She wasn’t the kind of girl who has sex with someone she’s just met, but this was different. Andy was everything she’d ever looked for in a guy. She wasn’t going to let herself self sabotage this time, she’d trust that it was supposed to be. So they fucked in the back of his car that night. They exchanged numbers. They texted daily. They hung out, mostly at Y/N’s house. They cooked together. They watched movies. They stayed up late talking about anything and everything. They made love.
Thoughts of their times together flooded through her mind as she laid against his side, her heart sinking as she breathed in his intoxicating scent, one that she would soon be trying to forget. Deep down she’d always known he was too good to be true. But she thought that just this once, maybe she’d find the love of her life. And well, technically, she did.
“This is my favourite part.” Andy chuckled, blissfully unaware of the thoughts that tormented her mind, distracted by the movie on the screen and the peacefulness of being with her. She faked a chuckle, letting her hand rest on his bare stomach under his business shirt. She didn’t want to let him go, to feel the coldness of his absence. She wanted to go back to before that dumb accountant had run her mouth, unknowingly telling Y/N something she never imagined she’d hear.
“Andy.” She mumbled softly, craving all of his attention as she tilted her head to look up at him, noticing how well groomed his beard was. Her stomach fluttered with butterflies as her fingers massaged over his skin, desperate for the intimacy the both relied on. Her mind stilled as she admired him, perfection in human form.
Andy immediately fixed his ocean blue eyes on hers, one of his strong hands sliding down her back and into the waistband of her gym shorts instinctively as he gave her a soft smile.
Yeah?” He breathed out sweetly, leaning down to peck her lips slowly without hesitation. She hummed as she kissed him back, not missing a beat as her hand moved from his stomach up to his jaw, pulling his face harder onto hers.
Y/N felt her pussy throb with need as his muscly arms wrapped around her body. She shook her head, causing her to second guess her confrontational conversation and enjoy the moment instead. “Nothing.” She whispered seductively, opening her mouth for his tongue as he ran it over her bottom lip. She loved how wet Andy could get her from his hand simply squeezing her ass cheek inside her shorts.
Andy groaned into the kiss, letting his other hand dip under the bottom of her baggy top, resting on her soft tummy as he felt his cock throb. “Wanna feel myself in here.” He mumbled euphorically as he trailed his lips across her cheek, his tongue leaving wet marks as he went. Andy loved how she made him feel, not just sexually, although he loved that too. But emotionally, she made him feel whole, she made him feel loved and needed, she completed him.
Goose bumps covered Y/N’s skin as she tilted her neck, granting him more access. His hand started moving again as his lips trailed along the flesh of her neck, pushing further under her top as he palmed over one of her perky tits, squeezing it gently.
“Andy.” She threw her head back breathlessly, helplessly submitting to him as her legs parting instinctively. Andy continued to squeeze her ass and massage her boob, his cock straining against the material of his pants as he heard her moan.
“Need to be inside you, baby.” He kissed at her neck repeatedly, longing for the love only she could give him as he bit down softly on her neck, tugging her nipple between his fingers. She let out a whimper as she felt her wetness dripping down her pussy and onto the thin material of her underwear, begging to feel more of his touch. “I need you.”
Y/N licked her lips, resting her hand on the back of his head as her eyelids fluttered shut, her body relaxing against him. Andy let his hand glide back down her tummy, touching her body delicately before fisting the material of her top in his hand, impatiently pulling it up to expose her bare chest.
His lips left her neck, taking a moment to admire how perfect her body was, how perfect she was, breathing out shakily as he looked up into her lust filled eyes, staring back at him lovingly. He leaned closer to her, dropping his head to her tits as he started sucking on her pebbled nipple with his tongue.
She whimpered out in pleasure, tugging on his hair as her back arched off of the sofa in pleasure, nudging closer to his mouth. “Andy.” She moaned his name shamelessly, edging him on to get what she wanted, his cock inside of her.
He squeezed her other boob in the palm of his hand, letting out a groan as he felt her body wiggling desperately under him. His teeth grazed along the flesh of her breast as she tries to wrap her leg around him, needing something to hump her eager pussy on.
“Andy, please.” She choked out in a whimper, losing control of her body as she forced her eyes open to look at him. Y/N breathed shakily as she pushed her tits out for him, watching him kiss his way to the valley of her breasts, letting his tongue leave sloppy wet marks along her soft skin. “I’m so wet.”
“Tell me what you want.” He muttered mindlessly, too distracted by his desire to kiss every inch of her gorgeous body. His tongue snaked across her chest to attach to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment as the first.
“You.” She moaned weakly, her eyes closing in pleasure as her head spun, her hips bucking desperately as she gripped his hair. “I want you.”
Andy lifted his head, moving his body up to level with hers, their breaths mixing as he stared down at her intensely. “I can give you what you just asked for in so many different ways, baby.” He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips as he felt himself weakening under her touch. “But if you want what’s going on inside that sweet mind of yours,” He kissed her again, feeling her absentmindedly open her mouth to welcome his tongue. “You’re gunna have to get a little more graphic for me.”
She nodded obediently with a whimper, licking her lips as she watched his, her eyes glistening with desire as her hands smoothed over the burning skin of his stomach. “I want your mouth on my pussy.”
Andy let out a strangled grunt, his jaw clenching as his strong hand squeezed her bare thigh. “You wanna feel my tongue inside that tight little cunt of yours?” He breathed out heavily through his nose as he looked down at her submitting beneath him.
Y/N nodded shyly at the vulgarity of his words, biting her lip as the soft hair of his beard grazed her chin. “Go get on the bed.” Andy instructed as his lips pressed a kiss on her cheek. “Take your shorts and top off.” He continued as he kissed her other cheek. “Then wait for me like a good girl.” He mumbled as he watched her through hooded eyes, his head spinning with desire.
Y/N’s pussy clenched, her crotch nudging against his bulge as she immediately moved to get up, leaving Andy with a final peck on his lips. He watched her obediently make her way across the room, her shirt dropping to the floor before she’d even reached the hallway.
Andy let out a scoff in amusement, smiling admirably as he felt his heart burst with adoration for the girl. He took the moment alone to regain his strength which seemed to dissolve whenever she was begging him.
His cock throbbed when he walked into the bedroom, immediately seeing her tight little pussy on display for him now that her legs were spread. Andy unbuttoned his shirt as he strolled to the end of the bed, keeping his eyes glued on her dripping centre that was begging for him.
“I don’t remember telling you to take off your underwear.” He mumbled cheekily as his hands dropped to unbuckle his belt after running a hand through his tousled hair, pushing it out of his way as he subconsciously licked his lips.
Y/N’s leg lifted to dig her heel into the mattress, her pussy clenching as her eyes dropped to marvel at his tattooed body that she loved so much. She bit her lip in anticipation as she watched his big hands pull the belt, that had tied her up on multiple occasions, out of the loops and into his hand in a smooth motion.
“They were coming off eventually,” She dropped her voice in a sultry tone as she leaned back on her palm, batting her eyelashes as she watched him unbutton his pants in front of her. “Thought I’d save you some time.”
“And what if I wanted to fuck you with them on?�� He raised his eyebrow, smirking as he moved his hand down to grip her ankle. He tugged at her feet, forcing her body towards him as her back hit the mattress. She giggled at his dominance, butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she looked up at where he stood between her legs. Andy admired her naked form as he let go of her ankle, pushing his pants down before crawling onto the bed, hovering above her. “Have to wait until next time, won’t I?” He chuckled sweetly as he pressed a gentle kiss on her plump lips.
Her heart sank. There wouldn’t be a next time. A slight twinge of anxiety returned to her body as she remembered the secret he’d hidden from her so well. Was any of this real?
“Andy, wait.” She watched him slide his hand up her inner thigh as his lips travelled down her body, stopping inches away from her heat. Her chest heaved as she slightly panicked, feeling his movements come to a sudden stop.
He looked up, eyebrows furrowing in slight confusion as she tugged his hands off of her. Y/N silently rolled herself over, propping herself up on her knees as she pushed her palms into the mattress, her ass and pussy on display for him.
“Fuck,” Andy sighed in desire, his cock painfully straining inside of his boxers at the sight of her as he shifted to lay on his side. “This how you want it?”
“Mmh.” She moaned out with a nod, looking back at him from over her shoulder. Andy’s weight rested on his elbow as he came face to face with her pussy.
“So pretty.” He mumbled in awe, using his spare hand to grip the back of her thigh, spreading her ass cheek a bit more as he leaned in and kissed her pussy lips softly. “So wet.” He added, mumbling against her heat as he let his tongue poke teasingly out of his mouth, kissing her pussy again.
“Fuck.” She whispered shakily, already overwhelmed with pleasure as her head dropped against the mattress, desperately pushing her ass back towards him.
Andy licked a long strip up her slit, his spit mixing with her juices as he felt her jolting with pleasure in front of him, she was so responsive for him. “So sweet.” He mumbled against her pussy, the vibrations sending shivers through her body.
“Oh,” she whimpered erotically, arching her back as her hands gripped tightly against the bedsheets, her nipples rubbing against the mattress as she lost the strength to hold herself up. “Andy.”
Andy let go of her thigh, a growl escaping his lips as his passion took over, forcing his face deep into her pussy, his tongue rubbing against her inner walls. Andy guided his hand down, pushing inside his boxers to pull out his throbbing cock.
He moaned against her, pumping his thick shaft in his hand as he sucked on her clit. Andy’s eyes darkened with desire as he felt her fidget in front of him, rocking her hips against his face as he drank her arousal.
The slapping and sucking sounds of their intimate activity filled the air, a thin layer of sweat escaped her skin as her thighs shook, the pleasure taking over her body.
Andy teased his tip, spreading the leaking precum over his reddened tip before fucking into his hand again. He moaned as his tongue explored her eager pussy, drinking in her scent.
“Andy, I’m gunna cum.” Y/N whined desperately, the feeling on Andy’s beard tickling between her thighs too much for her to take. Her upper body collapsed against the bed as she jolted repeatedly, a bubbling pleasure building up inside of her as she reached a hand toward the pillows for support.
Her words only made his mouth fuck her harder, eager to watch her come undone as he flicked his tongue rapidly up and down her clit. A groan erupted from the back of his throat, his hand pumping his cock faster as a way of settling his desperate need for attention.
The vibration of his voice caused Y/N’s orgasm to hit, suddenly flooding her body with with pleasure as she desperately gripped the pillow her hand. Porn-star moans escaped her mouth as Andy lapped up her juices, his eagerness to feel her walls around him growing as he felt her overstimulated pussy jolting at his touch.
Andy pressed his thumb covered in his pre-cum against her core as he leaned back, admiring her puffy pussy lips through hooded eyes. The sight was almost enough for him to push her down and shove his face back between her thighs. But his cock was throbbing for attention. Y/N was too fucked out to pay much attention to Andy shifting behind her on the bed, still recovering from her orgasm as slid his boxers down his legs and knelt behind her, lining himself up with her soaked entrance before pushing his cock inside of her throbbing pussy.
“Oh, fuck.” Andy moaned loudly, his head dropping back in pleasure as a frown covered his face. His hands gripped her hips, her warm pussy clenching around his cock as he started thrusting in and out of her aching hole.
“Pull out.” Y/N whimpered out quickly, her head turning sideways to look at him over her shoulder as she moved her palm back to push him away by his stomach. His cock felt so good inside of her aching pussy, satisfying the need to feel him, like he was made to fit inside of her.
“No.” Andy growled desperately as he pulled her hips back against him hard, unable to fathom the idea of having to pull his cock out of her warm, dripping cunt.
“Andy,” Y/N hissed in frustration, whining at the feeling of his balls slap against her ass, the enormous amount pleasure coursing through her veins almost made her second guess her request. “I want your cock in my mouth first.”
Andy’s movements stilled as he let out a groan, a breathy chuckle leaving his lips as he leaned down to press his chest against her back. His cock angled deeper inside of her, a soft whimper leaving her lips as she arched back, feeling the material of his shirt which hung open on his body. “Well, in that case.” Andy chuckled deviously as he pressed his lips to the back of her shoulder, a sigh leaving his lips as he regretfully pulled out of her soft pussy.
Andy leaned back up on his knees, not even giving Y/N time to think about the empty feeling washing over her before tugging her backwards by her arm to press her back against his chest. Andy’s hand snaked around to her throat, his fingers digging into her flesh as he kissed her passionate. Y/N smiled as she kissed him back, feeling the desperation on his lips contrasted by his rough touches.
“Lay down for me, okay?” She asked sweetly, knowing that if she tried to command him in any way, he’d fuck her into the mattress just to put her in her place. She pecked his lips softly, feeling his cock nudging desperately between her ass cheeks.
Andy groaned as he pulled himself away from the kiss, her voice sweet enough to be able to get him to do anything. He let go of her body, shuffling to obey her request as he turned his body to lay his head on the pillows.
He watched the way she admired his cock that was standing proudly, glistening with her juices as she crawls toward him. She bit her lip, her soft hand running ticklishly up one of his thighs as her lips kissed along the other.
Andy groaned as her lips inched closer to his throbbing member, his hips bucking slightly in need. Y/N’s mouth watered at the sight of his cock, unable to stop her lips from wrapping around his tip, her tongue flicking ever so teasingly over him.
Andy let out a grunt of frustration, forcing his eyes to stay open as his hand moved down to rest on the back of her head. Y/N could tell he wanted to take control, feeling his cock throbbing against her tongue as she glided it down his shaft and started bobbing her head.
“Fuck, baby.” Andy’s hand tightened on her head, his fingers digging into her scalp as he tugged hard on her hair, little moans escaping his open mouth uncontrollably. “Just like that.”
He breathed out shakily, his eyes fixated on the sight of her between his legs, gagging on his cock as she took his whole length. Y/N let her jaw go slack, allowing him the freedom of controlling her movements as he fucked into her mouth.
Andy’s jaw clenched as he felt his tip hit the back of her throat, sending waves of pleasure through his body. “Oh, fuck.” His face screwed up, in awe of just how good she always made him feel.
The sound of Andy’s heavy breathing has Y/N’s pussy clenching in anticipation of his throbbing cock being back inside of her. She moaned around his length, bobbing her head to assist with the rhythm that his hand was moving it up and down. The drops of saliva that trickled down her mouth didn’t cross her mind as they landed on Andy’s skin.
Y/N’s eyes fluttered closed, breathing through her nose as Andy’s cock filled her throat, her nails digging harshly into the flesh of his thigh.
Andy movements came to a sudden stop, desperately trying to recompose himself as he almost lost control. He kept her lips against his skin as he held her head down, his cock filling her mouth and opening her throat as he tried to stop himself from reaching his climax.
“Fuck.” He moaned loudly, eyes not leaving the sight of her mouth warming his thick cock. Y/N was caught by surprise, trying to control her breathing as she choked, swallowing around him in an attempt to breathe. “Baby I’m gunna cum down that pretty little throat of yours if you don’t stop.”
She whimpered at his words, staying in position as her pussy dripped down her thighs, moving her other hand to rest on Andy’s lower stomach, trailing her fingers delicately over the skin.
Her throat started to involuntarily tighten as Andy watched her keep his cock in her mouth like a pacifier. He licked his lips as his blue eyes locked with hers, finally letting go of her head as he ran a hand through his disheveled hair.
Y/N took a moment to catch her breath, leaning up on her hands as they smiled knowingly at eachother. Andy watched intensely as she crawled up his body, their skin touching intimately as she sat back on her knees, straddling his waist.
He pulled her into a deep kiss as her hand cupped his beard covered jaw, her head tilting to grant him more access. Y/N rocked her hips down from where she sat above him, feeling his thick cock nudge against her pussy.
Andy moaned into the kiss, his hands sliding from her hips around to massage her ass cheeks. She sucked on his bottom lip desperately, pressing her chest against his she let go of his jaw, tugging the material of his shirt off of his body. She slid her hand down to his cock once he was completely naked beneath her, lining him up with her entrance as she braced herself for the feeling of his cock stretching her out.
“You’re so needy for my cock, baby.” Andy groaned into her ear as he tugged her hand away from his shaft, jolting his hips up to push himself fully inside of her.
“Andy.” Y/N moaned out with a gasp, surprised by his sudden movement as she momentarily dropped her head onto his chest, losing control of her body as her nails dug into his arm.
Andy’s wide chest caught her weak body, guiding her ass back and forth along his length with his big hands. “I’m not gunna last long.” He groaned desperately as his lips parted in pleasure, his eyes squeezing shut as he felt her pussy tight around him.
“So big.” She whimpered softly, still trying to stretch in order to accommodate to his size. Andy kissed her temple lovingly, his heart sinking at her words as his cock twitching inside of her rubbed up against her walls.
“Thought you would’ve gotten used to me by now.” He whispered cheekily, trying to distract her from the pain. He dropped his head to press a kiss to her lips, smiling as he noticed her chuckle shakily in response, both of them drunk on the feeling of their intimacy.
“Your cock is huge, Andy.” She mumbled sweetly as she kissed him back, starting to move her hips slowly as she adjusted to his thick shaft. “It’d take a lot longer than this for me to get used to it.”
“Shit.” He hissed as Y/N forced herself to bounce a little faster on him, a soft sound of their skin slapping together filled the room. Her stomach clenched as she paced up and down his cock, feeling so full with him inside of her.
One of her hands lifted to rest on his shoulder, the other on the mattress beside his head as she sat up on him, regaining her strength. Little whimpers left her lips as she pleasured herself on Andy’s cock, feeling his strong hands holding her tightly. His fingers left marks on her curvy hips, the new angle gave them both an increased amount of pleasure.
Groans rumbled in Andy’s throat as he clenched his jaw, admiring the gorgeous woman above him. He forced his eyes to stay on her, smitten with the way her back arches towards him, the way her tits bounce with every thrust, the way her face looks flushed and so very satisfied.
“Andy” She moaned his name, her eyes fluttering shut as she slid her hand from his shoulder to his chest, her finger nails digging into his skin.
He was mesmerised by the way her pussy smacked down against his skin with every bounce of her hips, rubbing the length his cock with her tight walls.
“C’mere.” Andy mumbled breathlessly, reaching his hand up to lift her arm from his chest, as he tugged her arm towards his head. He pulled her body down on to him with ease, desperate to have her closer.
Y/N didn’t hesitate to obey to his gentle command, resting her chest flush against his once more as she looked up at him through hooded eyes. His hands slid down to her ass, spreading her cheeks as he took control, thrusting up into her.
She forced her head to stay focused on him, even as the overwhelming pleasure filled her body. Andy instantly smiled admiringly down at her, proud of how well she was taking him. His heart fluttered as he noticed her smiling beck at him, losing theirselves in the love they felt.
He grunted desperately, feeling his cock push deep inside of her with every jolt of his hips. “Just because you’re on top, doesn’t mean you’re in control.” He mumbled through hooded eyes, craving more and more of her attention.
Y/N chuckled at his comment before whimpering as his cock hit her cervix, leaning up to kiss him as she cupped his jaw in an attempt to satisfy the need to bring him closer.
Andy kissed her back, his tongue slipping into her mouth to twirl with hers. He lifted his knees, pressing the heels of his feet into the mattress as he fucked up into her with more leverage.
Y/N moaned as she felt Andy’s cock slide deeper into her, protruding through the bottom of her tummy from inside of her. She moaned into another loving kiss, her clit rubbing against his skin as she felt her orgasm bubbling.
“Want you to cum around my cock.” Andy moaned against her lips, one hand digging into the thick flesh of her thigh as his length twitched inside of her.
“You’re close, Andy.” She whispered back matter-of-factly, noticing the way his cock was twitching desperately inside of her. Andy knew she was right, he could feel his release rapidly building up, his heart swelling at how well she knew him.
He nodded in response, their breaths colliding as Andy’s spare hand held the back of her head, tugging her hair slightly out of desperation.
Andy quickened his pace, feeling her juices running down onto his balls. Moans filled the room as Y/N moved her hips down aggressively, using the last of her strength to sit back up on Andy.
The sudden change of her angle was too much for Andy, sending him spilling his seed inside of her as his hips jolted erratically.
“Fuck.” He moaned as his face screwed up in pleasure, his eyebrows furrowing as he emptied his seed into her tight pussy, not letting go of his grip on her body.
Andy didn’t stop slamming up into her, the feeling of her pussy clenching around his length was something he never wanted to stop.
Y/N felt her orgasm wash over her with a loud moan, his cock rutting into her sensitive pussy as her hole filled with his warm cum. Her nails dug into his chest as they both stilled for a moment, trying to make the euphoria of the moment last.
Her overstimulated pussy pulsated around his cock, still deep inside of her as he took hold of her wrist softly, looking up at her in admiration.
Y/N closed her eyes, trying to steady herself with one hand as she felt Andy’s lips kissing her wrist. Her stomach sunk as she tried to swallow the lump in her throat, dread washing away the pleasure.
“Say it.” She whispered breathlessly, her eyes slowly opening as she looked at him innocently through her lashes.
“I love you.” He spoke without hesitation between kisses, his eyes never leaving her face as he admired her beauty.
“No, Andy.” She sighed irritably, lifting her hips up just enough for his cock to slide out of her, emptying herself of his length before sitting back down on him carefully. “Just say it.”
Andy sighed heavily, closing his eyes as he felt his heart sinking inside of his chest. He knew that his truth would catch up with him eventually, he just hoped it would be further in the future. The sadness that covered Y/N’s face had his heart aching at her pain, hating that he’d done that to her. “I’m married.”
She held her breath for a moment too long, feeling her heart break as the words left his lips. “I hate you.” She mumbled, closing her eyes to stop the tears from escaping. She sighed heaving as she laid her chest back on to his, enjoying the last of his presence. How could she have let herself so vulnerable? Why did she ever let her guard down? Why did she ever let him in?
“I know.” Andy sighed heavily, hating himself for hurting her. She hid her saddened face in the dip of his neck, relaxing against him as she inhaled his scent. Andy’s hands slid up her sides to wrap around her back, hugging her tightly.
The haunting silence engulfed the room, an emptiness between them where there had once been an overwhelming sense of fulfilment. Andy knew deep down in his gut that he’d lost her. He knew how much he’d unintentionally hurt her. He knew it was over. But there was nothing he could do, because the truth was, it never even should’ve started.
taglist:
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It angst time bby!🤪 Could you maybe pls do a Iwa,Tendou and Tsuki x reader/manager scenario where their s/o gets bullied because they are the manager of the team. Also it goes that far that the girls threaten them to leave the vb club/ end their relationship bevor it will be much worse for them. ( a fluffy end would be nice because I saw lots of angsty fics today kndjsjsna)
a/n - you asked and i shall deliver. sometimes we just have a craving for angst. i’m a little bit obsessed with it myself (think a large part of my blog is angst tbh). and don’t worry, they are fluffy endings i think... hope you enjoy!
"i can't do this anymore," you sobbed, finally letting the tears fall. iwaizumi reached out for you desperately, hand curling around your waist and pulling you into his chest. his arm, corded with muscle, wrapped around your waist protectively, holding you close to him. his other hand held the back of your head. “i can’t, haji. they won’t stop. it won’t stop.”
“shh,” he murmured, stroking the back of your head as your tears dampened his shirt. part of him was confused, the other part focused entirely on offering you support. he had no idea who this mysterious they was. it wasn’t surprising that he didn’t know, the girls choosing moments when iwaizumi (and anyone who might inform him of what was happening) was gone to be their cruellest. “who’s they?”
you stiffened slightly against him then, mind pulling their most recent assault to the forefront of your mind. taloned fingernails had dug into your shoulders before pushing you harshly, your back hitting the brick wall behind you harshly. rough brick had dug into your back, the pain not enough to distract you from the words they spat at you. you had flinched away, looked for an escape, but there was nowhere to go. one girl, clearly the ringleader, had yanked at your hair, pulling your face towards her.
“you stupid little whore,” she had hissed, letting out a cold laugh at the wince that escaped your lips. “if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop managing the team and leave iwaizumi while you’re at it. you don’t deserve him and he sure as hell doesn’t need you.”
her words had been echoed by the other girls with her, and when the tears had finally began to prick at your eyes, they had decided their needs had been satisfied for today. she had turned back to look at you one last time before leaving you with her parting words. “remember what i said. if you want it to stop, you know what to do.”
“y/n?” iwaizumi questioned, his voice cutting through the memory. worry laced his tone, and he had pulled you away from his chest to be able to see your face. you blinked up at him, a dreadful realisation coming over you. you knew how to make it stop. it was simple. you just had to force out the words.
the texture of his skin was rough against yours, his hands calloused from a childhood spent playing volleyball. you wanted to surrender to his warmth, to downplay everything you were feeling, to blame it on some simple reason such as school, anything to be with him for just a little longer. but you couldn’t. it needed to be done.
“i want to break up,” you said, forcing the words out, fresh tears beginning to fall from your eyes. the weight you had expected to be lifted was not. instead, remorse crushed you. for a moment, you struggled to breath, the air trapped in your throat. it was only iwaizumi’s gentle nudging, the way he guided you through your breathing, that helped you regain a semblance of calm.
“no you don’t,” he said calmly, seeing right through you. there was never any point in lying to him. he could see right through any lies that slipped from your lips. “i also won’t let you.”
your eyes widened in fear, her face flashing to life in your brain. your scalped tingled in remembrance of the way she had yanked your hair. suddenly, you began to shake, wrapping your arms around yourself. you let out a wretched sob. “hajime... please.”
“no,” he said, rubbing your arm soothingly in an attempt to calm you. “you need to tell me what the fuck is going on. no hiding from me. we’re sorting this out and i’m going to find out who put such stupid ideas into your head and they’re going to pay.”
you shook your head weakly, but his hands were quick to stop your movements, thumb reaching out to brush away the tears collecting in the corner of your eye. he leant forward, resting his forehead against yours. “we’re sorting this out, okay?”
“okay.”
really, you should’ve known he would understand. you should have known that of anyone who would understand how helpless you were feeling, how truly you believed leaving the team was your only escape from their torment, was tendou. he had opened up to you, told you about his childhood, his experience with bullies. yet, you couldn’t open up to him, couldn’t tell him what was happening to you.
“why weren’t you at practice today?” questioned tendou, the first words out of his mouth when you opened your dorm room to him. the second thing he did was press a kiss to your lips, his hands going up to hold your face tenderly. “you’re not sick, are you? i hope not, otherwise i shouldn’t have kissed you. i guess we can be ill together though.”
“i quit,” you said, moving away from him and collapsing onto your bed, picking up the magazine you had discarded moments before. you opened it, using it as a shield to protect you from tendou’s gaze. his eyes narrowed as he looked at you.
“why would you do that?” he asked, moving over to the bed and sitting opposite you, reaching over to remove the magazine from in front of your face. you let out a grumble, though did little to actually resist.
“i didn’t feel like doing it anymore,” you lied, studying the wall behind him. it was painfully obvious you were avoiding his gaze, just further proof that you were lying to him. “it wasn’t fun anymore. besides, i need to focus on school.”
“tut tut,” he admonished, waggling his finger at you. him reprimanding you caused a small smile to tug at your lips, one that quickly vanished when he persisted. “why would you really quit?”
you crossed your arms over your chest, physically turning your body away from him. the quiet rejection did little to discourage him. instead, he reached for your hand.
“i saw you with some girls yesterday,” he admitted, taking careful note of the way your whole body suddenly stiffened. he chose his next words carefully, not wanting you to pull away, to refuse to confirm the suspicions he already had. “you looked upset. are you okay now?”
it was at those words that you finally turned to look at him, fresh tears making your eyes seem to shimmer. it was an oddly beautiful sight, mused tendou, reaching out with care to brush a finger along your jaw. sudden anger twisted your features, shattering the illusion and causing him to jerk his hand away.
“of course i’m not fucking okay,” you spat, yanking your hand from his landing a solid hit the mattress you were both sitting on. “it’s fucking pathetic that i let them have their way just because i was scared.”
you pushed up from the bed, turning around wildly, looking for something, anything, that would ease the emotions currently rushing through you. they were hard to distinguish, coming together to leave you craving for a release. tendou stood up to join you, holding his hands out in front of him.
“punch me,” he stated, stance adjusting so he was properly balanced. you didn’t even question it, balling your hands into fists and launching a fist into his palm. the crack of skin on skin echoed around the room, and you felt the release. he praised you, “solid hit. need to go again?”
you shook your head, stepping forward and leaning your head against his chest, fingers curling into the flimsy material of his shirt. his arms wrapped around you, holding you tight.
“what am i going to do?” you sighed. tendou shuffled backwards, pulling you along with him until he was sat on the bed, your legs either side of his own as you sat on his lap. he took your chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your face up to look at him.
“you’re going to re-join the team,” he explained, before a smirk twisted his features, “and i’m going to enlist some help to go and confront some bullies.”
he doesn’t say anything to you, doesn’t really do much to acknowledge the tears rolling down your cheeks other than to wrap his arm around your shoulder. you are tugged into his lean body, and are quick to turn your head into his chest to hide your tears from view. admittedly, it was a bit late at this point, the majority of the team having already passed you on their way into the gym. you had simply waved away their concerns, not thinking you could find the words to explain, to tell them you were leaving.
“so,” mused tsukishima, letting your bury your face into his chest, your hands clutching onto the material of his top. ordinarily, he would have told you to stop stretching the fabric. however, you had been off for a couple of days, more withdrawn, and he figured he was close to finding out the reason why. “what happened?”
you let out a stifle, finally looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes. “i left the team.”
“that doesn’t really answer my question though, does it?” he prodded. something told you he had an inclination at the cause behind it. there was no solid evidence to prove his suspicions, however. all he could go off was the look of trepidation in your eyes, the way you body would tense when certain people approached.
you shook your head, fists clenching tighter. he let out a soft sigh, his other arm coming around your body to hold you more securely against his chest. he reprimanded you softly, “you could have told me, or at least someone else on the team if you didn’t want me to know. i wouldn’t think any less of you because you’re being bullied.”
“they said it would get worse if i told anyone, if i didn’t do what they said,” you hiccupped, relaxing in his firm hold, soothed by the steady rise and fall of his chest.
“y/n,” he sighed, tilting his head down to look at you, “they’re just pathetic nobodies who are jealous of you. do you honestly think they could actually hurt you more if you told someone? i’d like to see them try.”
his hold brought you comfort, and you found yourself calming down. he released you, reaching down to take your hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, dropping a kiss to the top of your head in the process. as he walked back with you towards the gym, he murmured darkly, “i might just give them a small taste of their own medicine.”
“kei,” you warned, hand tightening on his, “don’t.”
“i’m still going to talk to them.”
“you don’t even know who they are.”
“i can guess, or you can tell me.”
you just shook your head, his words bringing a distraction from the emotions still just beneath the surface just as he knew they would.
#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu x you#haikyuu x y/n#haikyuu angst#hq requests#hq drabbles#iwaizumi x reader#iwaizumi imagine#iwaizumi x y/n#iwaizumi x you#iwaizumi angst#iwaizumi fluff#tendou x reader#tendou x y/n#tendou x you#tendou imagine#tendou fluff#tendou angst#reader angst#tsukishima x reader#tsukishima x y/n#tsukishima x you#tsukishima angst#tsukishima fluff
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Drifting
I had so much fun writing up the introduction to this request! You’ll probably see why in just a minute too...but, fun fact, the lovely Khaos, the newest addition to the blog, helped me out with this request when I found myself a little stuck!
Khaos added a helpful amount of amazing to the ending scene, so be sure to thank them for their amazing input! Oh, and make sure ya let us know what you think, okay?
I would also like to add that I know it’s been quiet here on the blog and I’m sorry for that but personally, I’ve had some...curveballs thrown at me health wise so you probably won’t see a lot from me. So, yeah.
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Cheeky Kitsune 🦊💋
.
Tamaki slowly peeked up above the ocean’s surface, keeping as quiet as possible to remain unnoticed while he allowed his eyes to land upon the object of his curiosities and affections; swallowing thickly when he realised that you had shown up at exactly sunset yet again, just like always.
And, as always, you were alone. You had no companions that could prevent him from stealing you away to his secret cave and no one to help you if he decided to keep you to himself. An idea that appealed to him more with each of your visits to the beach.
What interested Tamaki most, however, was the fact that with each of your visits, you made sure to only come by the secluded beach at sunset; when everyone else had gone home for the day. Tourists seemed to believe all the local’s stories of monsters beneath the water’s surface, waiting for the sun to go down so that their attacks could go unnoticed until it was too late.
Of course, it was all nonsense. Tamaki was the only merperson to occupy this particular beach and he had been for quite a few years now; any and all monsters were long gone, migrated to places that weren’t so aware of the dangers that lurked beneath the depths.
But it was also because of the late hour that you came to the beach, that Tamaki couldn’t approach you. He was all too aware of how a human woman might react to a random man approaching them in the water when the sun was beginning to set, shadows casting over the sky and melting the beautiful orange hues into an inky blackness.
So, instead, Tamaki had to be satisfied with watching you from afar. Appreciating your beauty and daydreaming about all the different possibilities of meeting you; how he could befriend you and get closer, all while knowing it would be an impossibility.
.
~ ~ ~
.
Tamaki stared at you with wide, saucer-like eyes, his mouth hanging open while you swam towards him slowly; your body remaining below the water’s surface, hiding the fact that you were without your bikini top.
The very same bikini top that he held in his hands, a scrap of clothing that he had been inspecting out of confusion given that it was nearly midnight and he had thought that you had left the beach hours ago like you normally would.
“…I think that’s mine” Your softly uttered words startled him, making him jolt and sink down further into the water while he released the bikini top; allowing it to float up to the surface, harmlessly bobbing up and down with the waves between the both of you.
“Sorry, I uh, didn’t realise that someone else was here” He muttered out a pathetic excuse for an apology, trying his best not to let his tentacles move into your line of sight; desperate to at least seem normal, even if it wouldn’t be a lasting impression.
Tamaki gulped nervously as he watched you reach for the floating bikini top, averting his gaze when you shuffled around to put the piece of clothing back on; the hurried movements of your fingers catching his attention with how the water splashed from the clumsy actions. The silence beginning to feel awkward while Tamaki tried his best not to look at you before you were ready, not wanting to come off as a pervert. Not to you.
“It’s okay, I didn’t realise anyone else was here either. Not this late at night anyways and certainly not with the way everyone goes on about the monsters that are waiting for sunset so they can eat you” You rolled your eyes as the words left your lips, briefly giving Tamaki a once over before nodding your head to yourself; making Tamaki wonder if you were giving him the benefit of the doubt despite how strange it was for him to be here at this time, more so considering that he had technically been holding onto your bikini top.
Then again, it would make sense for you to assume that he had thought it was a piece of seaweed; because honestly, that’s exactly what Tamaki had first thought when he picked it up.
It wasn’t uncommon for people to investigate strange and/or suspicious objects that were found floating in the ocean, only to cast them away as quickly as they had been found. Tamaki had seen humans do so more times than he could count and luckily for him, he had had the brains to immediately release the skimpy piece of clothing; a guilty man would have tried to hide it, or simply kept held of it. Not Tamaki though, he had dropped it, allowed you to take it back and even averted his gaze so that you could have some form of privacy while fixing your top; even if it hadn’t been a great deal of privacy. There was only so much he could offer given the circumstances after all.
However, even with these facts in mind, Tamaki could easily see that you were still on guard and he was happy to see such a thing. It reassured him that you didn’t trust random strangers in the water just because they had been polite enough to look away while you were topless.
“Still, I am sorry…about your top, I mean. If I had of known what it was…” Tamaki trailed off as his face flushed with embarrassment, the tips of his pointed ears beginning to turn a similar shade of scarlet while he dipped further into the gentle waves of the night’s warm ocean waters; only stopping when his nose was beneath the salty waters.
“It’s fine, okay? No harm, no foul” You hummed out the words in a soft voice, swimming around to face the embarrassed merman; all the while being completely unaware of what he truly was.
“So…what brings you out so late?” Your question made Tamaki’s body go stiff, anxiety rushing through his system while his brain scrambled to think of something, anything to say in response to such an innocently asked question; anything but the truth, that is.
There was no way known that Tamaki could tell you the truth behind his daily visits to this beach, especially when he could live happily and stealthily beneath the ocean waves for the rest of his life if it weren’t for your presence on this beach.
Tamaki wanted to slap himself. Here he was, minding his own business in the ocean when the opportunity that he would have killed for, landed in his lap. The chance to speak with you, instead of just stare at you from afar and yet here he was, completely and utterly unable to get a single word out; instead, the fears of what could happen filled his mind.
The terrifying what ifs of you hating him if he opened his mouth and said the wrong thing tormenting him into a nervous silence. Tamaki’s only relief from the situation, was that he would have the memories of having gotten close to you without making you scream and panic; though that also meant that no one would notice if he were to steal you away in that moment, if he took you to a place that no one would ever hope to find.
But that was something that he couldn’t do and definitely something that Tamaki shouldn’t think about, unless he wanted to fuel the desires that he so often pushed aside. You would surely hate him if he were to do even half of the things that he had thought about.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” You mumbled out the farewell awkwardly, turning away from Tamaki in order to swim back towards the shore, no longer able to enjoy the solitude of an empty beach.
“Uh, wait!” Tamaki called out to you again, finally able to find his voice once more as he reached out for you, his hand closing around your arm. Sealing his choice of interaction with you when you turned to face him. He should have let you leave.
“Your…um, your strap, it’s loose…” He barely managed to mumble out the words without humiliating himself, averting his gaze when he found himself unable to meet your eyes; not needing the added kick of self-loathing on top of his nervousness.
“You’ll lose your top again if you don’t fix it…”
.
“Oh. Well, do you mind?”
.
Tamaki gulped nervously as you turned your back to him once more, allowing him to reach for the loose strings belonging to your bikini top; needing to untie the knot that you had created in a rush minutes ago. If Tamaki were telling the truth, the knot probably would have held, but at the same time, he wouldn’t get another chance to let his skin brush against your own.
Now, he was in heaven, making sure to tie a strong knot while at the same time, being sure that it wasn’t so tight that you wouldn’t be able to undo it yourself later on.
“There…all done” He mumbled out the words under his breath when he was finished tying the knot, his fingers lingering on your skin for a brief moment, wanting more; though you pulled away before he could get ahead of himself.
Leaving Tamaki to breathe a sigh of release, all while silently cursing both himself and all of his pent-up desires. More so when you spun around to smile at him, the radiance you gave off nearly blinding his mopey self.
“You’re beautiful…!” Tamaki blurted out the words before he could stop himself, quickly slapping his hands over his mouth with his eyes going wide in a mix of shock and horror. Mortified that he had said something like that without realising.
Your eyes went wide, the smile fading from your lips and making Tamaki wish that he had legs so that he could kick himself. Unaware that you weren’t upset, but rather the opposite, never having been so earnestly complimented before; it brought an unfamiliar warmth to your cheeks and to your heart.
“Um…thanks…” Tamaki watched you as you swam closer to him, torn between escaping to the ocean’s depths and closing the gap between the two of you; desperate for both, yet knowing better than to actually reach for the object of his desires.
With his mind struggling to choose between the two options, Tamaki froze in place at the worst time; allowing you to move closer until he felt your warm toes brush over his wriggling tentacles, fear filling him when you jolted back in surprise. Your eyes scanning the dark waters for seaweed.
“What’s…wrong?” Tamaki mentally slapped himself for asking while he watched you lower your head closer to the water’s surface, still searching for seaweed that he knew you wouldn’t find. He was just thankful that it was so late in the night, making it nearly impossible for you to see anything below the surface; you weren’t like him, you didn’t have eyes unaffected by the dark.
.
“Well, it’s just…I thought that something touched my leg…”
.
Tamaki moved his tentacles as far away from you as he could, praying that the darkness would be enough to push aside your curiosity, but apparently, it was too late; your hands closed around two of his now squirming tentacles as he tried to pull them free of your hold.
“Y-You…you’re a…” You breathed out in amazement, eyes wide as you stared at him and though it wasn’t in fear, Tamaki couldn’t take it. He wriggled his tentacles free of your grip and dove deep into the water; fearing what you would do now that you knew what he was.
.
“Wait!”
.
Tamaki ignored the muffled cry for him to stop, determined not to lose the strength it took to leave you behind instead of dragging you into the depths with him.
Before Tamaki could get too far away however, he felt your hands close around his tentacles for the second time, causing him to freeze on the spot; heart thundering in his chest. He was already struggling to keep himself contained after having his tentacles grabbed the first time, but now it was too much; his tentacles were sensitive after all.
Tamaki turned around in the water to look at you with a hunger that he had been pushing aside for far too long; using every last ounce of willpower he had left not to grab you and take you with him to his cave.
The two of you remained submerged for a moment longer, staring at each other through the impossibly dark ocean water of the night. Tamaki knew you couldn’t see him, but your hold on his tentacles was enough to give you a direction to look at and like this, he had the rare opportunity to take in your breathtaking appearance; enjoying it as much as possible before wrapping some of his tentacles around your body and swimming for the surface.
You were a human, which meant that you needed oxygen. A fact that he had nearly forgotten for a moment there, but either way; Tamaki wasn’t going to let you die. Not now, not when he could prevent it.
“I’m not…I’m not gonna—” Tamaki motioned you to stop speaking as you tried to cough at the words, a suggestion that you decided to follow given that it was hard to regain your breath and speak at the same time. Given that Tamaki was no longer trying to swim away and that his tentacles were still wrapped around your body, keeping you afloat so that you didn’t have to put any effort into swimming yourself; you figured that you had time to catch your breath.
“I was trying to say that I’m not going to turn you in. I was just…surprised, I guess” You rubbed at your neck as you explained yourself, your words making Tamaki’s stress melt away while thoughts of adoration towards you filled his mind.
It was mind blowing to him that a human that had just discovered his secret wasn’t about to go running off telling everyone that merpeople existed and it certainly made him love you more than he already did.
“Though, I am a little confused. I’ve heard those stories for years, listening to them as a little girl…how going out into the water at night is a terrible idea because monsters from the ocean will drag you beneath the water and steal you away” Tamaki grimaced as you giggled at the thought, clearly having no idea how close you had come to such a fate; even if the end result would have been different. Tamaki wouldn’t have hurt you, or eaten you alive like the old monsters of the ocean would have; no, he would have done so many different things to you. Things that would surely have you slap him if he dared to say them aloud to you.
“Well, you know…don’t believe everything you hear I guess…” He managed to get a light-hearted chuckle out as he spoke, deciding that for the moment it would be better to keep you entrapped in his tentacles; mostly so that you couldn’t grab a hold of them again and push him into his instincts more than you already have.
“I guess so, but I don’t know…you don’t seem so bad. Maybe having you steal me away wouldn’t be so terrible” Tamaki’s features twisted into unfiltered surprise at your giggled words, blood rushing through his ears and completely blocking out whatever it was that you were currently continuing on with.
It seemed you managed to notice the faraway look in his eyes while his mind worked overtime to process your joke. Going as far as to reach out with your hand to brush your fingertips against his cheek, ripping him from his thoughts and dragging him back to reality; your eyes locking with his heated gaze the moment his attention was back on the present you instead of his fantasy version.
“…You would let me steal you away?” He pulled your body closer to his with his tentacles as he spoke, the slippery limbs tightening their hold on you ever-so-slightly while you gulped nervously; unable to look away from the merman in front of you.
“…I…yes, I guess so” You spoke softly, unsure words tasting foreign to your tongue but unregrettable all the same. There was a certain air of importance surrounding the spoken words and now you found yourself slowly beginning to sink into the water with a smiling Tamaki.
It was amazing, how his eyes had lit up with joy at your uttered words. Though it made you think vaguely of the old fae stories, where your word was a binding contract and if that were to be held in the same regard with mer-people, then it seemed like you had agreed to a new way of life.
.
“You won’t regret it, I promise. I’ve got the perfect place in mind for you, you’ll be safe with me…I won’t let anyone steal you away…”
#tamaki amajiki#suneater#tamaki x reader#amajiki x reader#suneater x reader#bnha x reader#reader x tamaki#reader x amajiki#reader x suneater#mermaid au#merman!tamaki#bnha#mha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#scenario#requests#cheeky kitsune#sfw#fluff#fluffy
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