#something something sense of wonder/escapism/heartbreaking

[lukaina]

I finished The Will to Battle (Terra Ignota 3) and this came to mind.

#something something sense of wonder/escapism/heartbreaking #terra ignota #ada palmer #the will to battle

[dcxdpdabbles]

Hey there! Halfa!cass anon here

Holy shit that was such a good read, I've gone through and re-read it over a dozen times now

Can we please please get a part 2?

When Cass wakes, she knows that something is seriously different about her body. There is a lightness to her bones that she only associates with flying through the air or even leaps during her dance.

The fact she is lying in a bed completely still makes the lightness a worrying sign. Cass doesn't sense anyone else in the room, and if there is, they do a wonderful job hiding from her instincts.

Carefully she cracks open an eye, careful to not move any other part of her body. She does a slow look around taking in the room that for all purposes seems to be a hospital of some kind.

There are even informational posters on the walls, the kind that doctors put up to help citizens with basic hygiene. She can't see any windows, which isn't promising for her if she needs to escape, but there are no restraints on her body.

Despite the weightlessness, there also doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her body that would hnder her movement. If she is being held against her will, then this is an oversight.

Either her captors are underestimating her or there are no captors at all. Cass carefully goes to stand up, trying to stay as silent as possible, when suddenly she finds herself floating.

She panics, attempting to go back down, but the more she moves the higher she goes. She ends up on the ceiling trying desperately to figure out what is happening- is there a telepath in the room? Anti-gravity ray she got hit by?- when the door opens and in steps a man in his early thirties.

He looks around the room, body language screaming worry and confusion before he glances up and makes eye contact with her. At once his face softens, amusement and relief bleeding into his body language.

"Hey there." He says flouting up to her level slowly. "Need some help adjusting?"

"Adjusting?" She asks her voice slightly rough from disuse. "From what?"

The man's smile turns slightly sad. "I'm sorry to have to tell you but you were in an accident and it killed you."

Cass blinks at him and then shakes her head trying to gather her thoughts. She knows that she was electrocuted- it was like a blink had passed since the shock, really and she isn't surprised that it was strong enough to kill her. But she doesn't feel dead.

Doesn't feel much different at all. Does that mean she died quickly? Was that a mercy?

The man must have mistaken her head shake for denial for he only smiles sadder. He pulls out a mirror from his chest- that was only slightly alarming after all she's seen in life- turning it around and showing her reflection.

Or someone who looks like her but is so very obviously not human. Cass reaches up, afraid to touch the dirty silver hair that stands straight up like someone had gone at it with gallons of gel. Her reflection does the same staring back at her with glowing silver eyes Her skin is now an ashy grey, covered in blue Lichtenberg marks like a full body tattoo.

She gasps.

The man's body sings of regret, of sadness for her, but most of all comfort. "You're a ghost now. That's your ghost from. We can work on getting an understanding of your powers at a later date. For now, let me help you set in."

He takes Cass's hand- making sure his movements are slow and allowing her to pull away if she wants. She doesn't. He uses their linked hands to descend back to the ground. It's only then that she notices there is no light in the room- the glowing she had been using to see is coming from her.

Cass is glowing because she is dead and now she is a ghost. Somewhere her corpse is lying in an abandoned town where it will likely stay until her family realizes she hasn't reported in.

She hopes it's not Bruce who finds her. Her dad has already suffered enough. Cass wishes he saved the view of her corpse if only to save him from that heartbreak.

The man leads her towards the door. He is speaking but Cass can't hear a single word that he is saying. Her head is buzzing, she's trying to come to terms with everything so when he pushes open the door she nearly walks right off the edge of a cliff.

"Careful now." The man says yanking her back. Cass swings wild eyes at him, at his flaming white hair and glowing red eyes, before she looks around.

She is shocked to see floating purple islands, each top with a building flying around. The floating islands are close by, barely kept apart by small gaps, gently moving around in the wind.

All around here is green, the sky is the bottomless floor, and even some flying beings are green. If it were not for the few human-like beings she could see jumping to and from between the islands she would think of herself on an alien planet.

"This is the Ghost Zone. We're in Phantom's Keep." Her guide says gesturing around. "The locals call it New Amity Park. Said locals are the humans and Phantom's only rule here is that no one harms the humans. Understand?"

So they were humans. But how did they get to the Ghost Zone? Who was Phantom? Were they the missing people of Amity Park?

Something on her face must have given away her thoughts because the man- a ghost? Is he like Cass- gives her a weary smile. "The humans are stuck here. See a few years back their hometown was attacked by the old King, and were sucked into the Ghost Zone. When Phantom defeated him the town returned but the people couldn't."

Why she wants to ask. Why can't they go home?

He shrugs as if though he heard her question. "You know how if you eat food offered by the Fae you are trapped in their world? Same concept. Phantom has been trying to get them home, but it's been seven years now. Everyone pretty much adjusted to this place."

He nods to the flouting island that proudly proclaims a large mall that is slowly passing overhead. "When they first arrived the humans were all stuck on one large piece of rock that used to be their park. It was Phantom that slowly pulled islands towards them, linking them to a gravitational pull he designed and powered, that let the humans expand into this web-like conany."

Cass thinks back to the large crater in the middle of town. She remembers passing by a half-buried sign that proclaimed "Amity Park" but she never realized it was literally snatched off the ground.

A group of children- likely born after their parents were trapped- jump by, laughing in a carefree way only those with wonder can. They land gracefully on the flouting rocks that form makeshift stairs as they race up toward- an ice cream shop.

Cass realizes those rock stairways are all over, connecting all the parts of the town into one. They all lead to a large green field that a castle sits on. Likely the old park.

""By the way, my name is Dan. I'm in charge of Phantom's Keep while Phantom is away." Dan says. He shrugs at Cass's questioning look, somehow aware of her question without her having to speak it again.

Could ghosts read body language in the same way she could?

"I'm basically the mayor/ enforcer. Phantom stuck me with the job as a form of community service. I can't leave because, like the islands, he trapped me here with a gravitation pull."

Trapped?

Then was this Phantom evil?

Cass opens her mouth to ask- when a strange tightness in her abs makes her jerk to the side. She doubles over, pressing a hand to her stomach and Dan pauses. "Are you alright-"

Twin rings of pure darkness appear, running over Cass's form before vanishing without a trace. At once Cass feels her whole body become heavy- the familar heavy she had known all her life as her balance.

She also realizes that she had been flouting the whole time before she fell to her knees right at the edge, using her hands to cushion her fall. Her now normal human hands- the deadly grey nowhere in sight.

Dan sucks a hiss through his teeth. "You're a halfa."

Cass looks up at him, watching the ghost rub the space between his eyes while his hair flickers around in irritation. "Of course the new ghost I come to welcome turns out to be a halfa. Right when my shift was ending too."

The ghost rolls his shoulders and then sighs "Alright come on. We have to report this development."

Where are we going?

Dan's smile turns sharp. Cass isn't sure she likes "To See the Fentons."

She follows him anyway for she has no other choice. As she hops along the rock stairways down to the castle, she notices multiple people stop to stare at her. Some beings that are obviously not humans- ghosts her mind supplies- gape at her with just as much wonder.

She picked up bits of conversation as she scurried after Dan's floating figure.

"A new human? Has Danny finally found a way home?"

"Maybe she fell through a natural portal. Poor thing"

"Will never see her family again. That's going to be the hardest part. My dad said he was only passing through Amity Park the day it was attacked. My grandparents might still be looking for him."

"If King Phantom leaves, what will happen to ghosts like us? His Keep is the only place that welcomes us!

"Calm yourself, the King never stays on Earth long. Not when his entire family is trapped here like the rest of the humans. We will be safe."

Cass doesn't like the implications of this place one bit

#dcxdpdabbles #dc x dp crossover #Cass the halfa #Part 2 #Cass wakes in her ghost form on the other side #The rest think she is a new ghost #The missing poeple of Amity Park have been claimed by the Zone' #They living life as best they can #While Danny tries to get them home #Dan just wants to clock out #Cass is now a halfa #Do you like her ghost form? #Yes ghost speak in body lauange

[exhuastedpigeon]

Buddie Hiatus Fic Rec - Month 7Nov 16 - Dec 15

0-5k

share this hour of make-believe by fleetinghearts / @shitouttabuck Gen | 1.2k quarantine finds eddie sharing a bed with a pillow-thief and sleep-talker. he minds less than he thinks.

In my defence I was left unsupervised by Spotsandsocks / @spotsandsocks Mature | 1.3k Buck gets bored and decides on a new look, he may have doubts about the end result but Eddie’s having thoughts, interesting thoughts.

moth to a flame by brewrosemilk / @gayhoediaz Teen | 1.7k Eddie’s kiss is so gentle that Buck aches.

coax the cold right out of me by oklahoma / @sunshinediaz Teen | 2.6k “You know,” Eddie begins, running his fingers through Buck’s damp, frizzy curls, “when I booked this cabin for the weekend, I had plans for us to fuck real nasty by the fire.”

I’ll be anybody but me by justhockey Not rated | 3.4k Just one single moment, and his house of cards almost came tumbling down. Buck shouldn’t be surprised though, he’s never been much of a magician; no matter how hard he tries, he’s never been able to make himself disappear.

The spaces in between by sparkles_stars Teen | 4.4k Buck and Eddie get curiously domestic, pine a little, and ultimately - with sweetness and light - get together.

5k-10k

in the rough draft, [s]he loved you by iinryer / @iinryerGeneral audiences | 5.3k during the flight home to LA, eddie tries to write down some things he wants to say to buck

reachin for me (makin love to someone else) by inbetweenthestacks / @organizedstardustExplicit | 8.3k Buck says Eddie’s name while having sex with Natalia.

I wanna spend my forever like that by wikiangela / @wikiangelaGeneral Audience | 8.6k Eddie catches a cold and stubbornly denies he's sick, while a fondly exasperated Buck is trying to take care of him.

Friends Don't by chronicallystendan Teen | 8.7k Eddie and Buck have always been closer than most best friends and it's never bothered them, but lately they've been starting to wonder if there might be more than just friendship between them.

10k-20k

Claxons and Silver Bells by catwalksalone Teen | 10.5k Eddie dies. Only someone, somewhere is willing to give him a second chance. All he has to do is figure out where he went wrong the first time around.

Don't Listen When I Scream by devirnis / @devirnis Mature | 10.9k The man shoves Buck into the chair. Picking a hunting knife up from the tray, he points it at Eddie. “If you fight back or try to escape, I will slit his throat before you can even blink. Understand?”

Why Not Take All of Me? by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Mature | 13.2k When a small disaster strikes the morning of Maddie and Chimney's wedding, Buck, Hen, and Chim find themselves unwittingly caught up in an emergency across town, while Maddie and Eddie get stuck in an elevator.

it hurts to hope for more by 42hrb Mature | 15.6k Buck wants to be a dad, it takes a couple break-ups and a major non-romantic heartbreak for him to figure out that maybe he already is.

30k +

you still make sense to me by farfromthstars / @buckactuallys Mature | 31.1k eddie is ready for a new relationship – but why does it never feel right? buck has a lot to work through, and doing that comes with a few realizations.

and here, too, am i by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Teen | 41.1k Six months into their marriage, Eddie is still struggling to decide whether or not he wants more kids, when he knows Buck does. The universe may not scream, but it certainly talks.

Both Blade and Branch by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Mature | 62.8k The chances of being struck by lightning twice are incredibly minute, but Buck still manages to pull it off. During a double date with Marisol and Natalia, nonetheless. Eddie manages to resuscitate him, but as Buck recovers from yet another trauma, Eddie can’t help but notice there’s something very different about him. He’s not quite sure what version of Buck he got back.

Month 1 (May 15 - June 15) Month 2 (June 16 - July 15) Month 3 (July 16 - August 15) Month 4 (August 16 - September 15) Month 5 (September 16 - October 15) Month 6 (October 16 - November 15)

#buddie #buddie rec list #buddie hiatus rec list #911 #rec list

[christinesficrecs]

Any recs where Talia or the hales absolutely hate stiles or disprove of their relationship? I’ve already read the searching ceremonies.

hedwig221b (don't feel awkward! 🩷) also had a fic that matches this ask. So, go read that as well if you're a fan of the angst.

The Happiest of All by Hedwig221b | 32.5K | Explicit

“It’s every wolf’s dream. To find a perfect mate, to procreate. It’s a necessity, it’s healthy. It’s in our blood; akin to the moon in the sky, a wolf belongs to their mate. And humans don’t have the capacity to become a mate.”“But I love him,” Stiles whispered, begged.Talia stayed silent for a couple of minutes.“That’s why you should understand it’s not healthy for him to be with you,” her words were simple and clear, like a piece of glass, but sharp all the same. “He will not find true happiness with you. You’re wasting his time. Preventing him from having a future he deserves.”

Also, compromised-emotionally suggested this one.

Down By Contact by standinginanicedress | 117.4K | Explicit

Lydia looks over her shoulder to look at Derek Hale again, then back to him. “He’s an asshole, you know.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Stiles is confused, furrowing his brow. “I’ve only spent the last ten years of my life fighting with him.”

“Yeah, but, I mean, he’s an asshole,” she draws the word out nice and long, as if it takes on a different meaning depending on exactly how she says it. “No one who has ever dated or hooked up with that guy has ever had anything nice to say about him after the fact.”

“What do I care about that?”

She looks at him. It’s that all-knowing, all-seeing gaze, like the eye of Mordor. Stiles feels tiny under its wrath, so he looks away and stares down at his beer can, traces the design with his thumb. “I know you, Stiles Stilinski.”

“Not really. We only dated for, like, five months.”

With a snort, totally uncharacteristic of her and something she would never do sober, she rolls her eyes. “Gee, I wonder why.”

Hmmm. Not really, but here are a few.

Divided We Stand by  KouriArashi | 156.7K

Derek is being pressured by his family to pick a mate, and somehow stumbles into a choice that they didn’t expect and aren’t sure they approve of….

A Pair of Shoes by ReedMeme | 5.7K | Explicit

He was the human boyfriend. A lot of them don't really approve. Of course his boyfriend had to have a huge family. Which makes sense with the whole Werewolf thing, he supposes. But once in a while, Stiles still wishes he knew that before falling abso-fucking-lutely head over heels for Derek Hale.

Hello, Heartbreaker by  astoryaboutwar | 18.4K

Stiles and Derek have been fuckbuddies for a while when Derek loses his memories of the past three years - and them - in an accident.

Talk Me Down by SylvieW | 26.3K | Mature

After the Hale family narrowly escapes the fire, Derek moves to New York to escape their lingering resentment. There, he meets Stiles, and feels an instant connection to him, but their relationship, and Derek’s self worth is tested by the hurdles Derek’s pack throws at them

I Would Fake Forever With You by Halevetica | 53.9K

Derek Hale is the black sheep of the family, always has been. That’s why he moved to Seattle. Now he’s got a job he loves, a nice apartment with an incredibly hot and endearing neighbor, Stiles Stilinski. One night when Derek’s overly large and demanding family shows up early for their yearly visit, they run into Stiles, who is accidentally introduced as Derek’s boyfriend.

Taught by Experts by unpossible | 29K

“Let me get this straight,” Stiles says. “You’re going to be publicly dating someone else.”

#asks #sterek fics #ficrecs #the hales dislike stiles #black sheep derek

[luna-writes-stuff]

As The World Falls Down, Nikolai Lantsov

Song link

Fanfic, fem! reader

Hurt/comfort, angst with fluff ending

Word count: 2650

Tw: IS IT STURMHUND OR STURMHOND BECAUSE IT SOUNDS GERMAN SO I’VE ALWAYS SAID/WRITTEN STURMHUND BUT NOW THE TUMBLR TAGS ARE TELLING ME IT’S STURMHOND (yes I’ve read the books). Unintended infidelity, marriage, slight heartbreaking, Luna is an Alina-defender 4 life. Let me know if I missed any????

Summary: Nikolai’s proposal to Alina was strictly political. It made for a perfect alignment, even if love was lacking. Both parties agreed to this. However, Alina doesn’t know Nikolai is technically already married, though not on his birth name. He didn’t think much of the proposal, but you did. And after days of avoiding him, he finally talks with you, and you have a much-needed heart to heart.

Requested by @naushtheaspiringauthor

Buy me a coffee/force me to write more

“There's such a sad love Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel Open and closed Within your eyes.”

Sturmhund’s wife. Those were the words echoing around in your head. Sturmhund’s wife. Not Nikolai’s; Sturmhund’s. And the reality of it came crushing down after those awful words left his mouth.

You hadn’t officially married Nikolai. No - your contract stated his pseudonym. This was to ensure no hunters would come after you, trying to sell you for ransom or power. It was a very strategic move. Legally, you were bound to Sturmhund, but it was never something you and Nikolai had any difficulty with. He was Sturmhund after all, and between the two of you, that never stood in the way. It was weird to consider, but after only a couple weeks, you realised that the contract was the only thing that stated otherwise. Truth for you still was that you were married to Nikolai, and that had never been a lie.

Well, that came to stab you in the back after only a year.

“I'll place the sky Within your eyes.”

A reasonable part of your brain told you it was logical - it was smart. Of course Nikolai would propose to Alina. Politically, it made sense. It was a genius move. But the other eighty percent of your brain stenched from the betrayal. Seething fury and pain was buried deep underneath your skin, and no matter how nice and loving Alina had been, you couldn’t escape sneaking glares her way.

You never meant to. She was sweet and kind - she didn’t deserve it. But she was going to marry your husband. And he hadn’t even discussed it with you. That might have been the most painful about the entire ordeal: he never asked you.

It was never brought up in conversation, nor had he hinted towards it. It made you begin to wonder how long he had planned this out. And if he ever was going to tell you or ask you before proposing. Years spent with Nikolai before your marriage should have told you he would never do this out of love, but it felt like rubbing salt in a wound.

You hadn’t spoken to him in three days. In truth, you hadn’t seen him in three days. It might have been pettiness, but you were frightened you might do something stupid when you saw him again. So, you tried your very best to avoid him for as long as you could.

“There’s such a fooled heart Beatin' so fast. In search of new dreams A love that will last Within your heart.

Unfortunately, Nikolai wasn’t stupid. He knew you were avoiding him. He also knew exactly why. Then, every single time he tried to find you, something came in between. It was late at night, when he finally felt enough was enough. He had laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling endlessly. Sleep hadn’t come easy to him these last few days. You weren’t even showing up in your shared room anymore. Your pillow had gotten uncomfortably cold, and the clothes in your shared closet hadn’t moved since he made his decision.

Sitting up straight, he ran a hand through his hair, casting a glance to the empty spot beside him. Then, he stood up, hastily pulling on his robe as he left the room. Everyone had gone to sleep already, and the last people in the halls were either half asleep or keeping a watchful eye. A brief nod of recognition was given his way as Nikolai walked through the chilling halls.

He had no idea where to even start looking. You wouldn’t be in the most obvious spots; he knew you better than that. Tolya and Tamar had refused to tell him anything, even though he was sure they knew something. Their attitude towards him had changed slightly after his exchange with Alina, and he was sure they didn’t agree either. He didn’t mention it. He knew they’d shout at him, and he had enough on his shoulders as it was.

“I'll place the moon Within your heart.”

At night, Tamar would visit you, sometimes going with you to get some food in the late hours of the night. It was the only moment you could be given any peace. Right now, though, you had been alone.

Sitting at the long empty table, you chewed on a sandwich, topped with your favourite condiments. It was the most enjoyment you could get out of your day, and it was best celebrated in silence.

Papers of negotiations and terms were sprawled out across the kitchen, some weapons sitting in the corner of the room, hidden from plain sight. It never surprised you. You knew everyone had to be on their toes. It made it easier for you to focus on other things.

Like this delicious sandwich. “As the pain sweeps through Makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, Wasn't too much fun at all.”

“I might have known,” You heard from the entrance of the dining room, successfully drawing your attention. An unwanted scowl climbed onto your face as you stood up, holding the sandwich in one hand and the plate in another.

“I was just leaving,” You spoke with a full mouth, placing the plate in the sink, before making your way to the doorway. Not giving him another word, you pushed past him. “Wait,” He mumbled, grabbing your shoulder, forcing you to stop. You shrugged it off, turning around to face him. He looked slightly betrayed at the gesture, but composed himself quickly. “Can we not talk?”

“About?” You asked, disinterest in your voice. “Your new wife? She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” “Darling-“ Nikolai tried, but you had already turned around. “Goodnight, your highness.”

So, maybe you wanted to run up to him, sob into his shoulder and voice all your worries. Maybe, internally, that is what you needed most. But the mere sight of him now caused your blood to boil. And you could weep around that thought. Where he had once managed to make your heart skip a beat every time he looked at you, it now caused it to sink in agony. He made an oath to love you and no other. He made a promise. And political or not, it stung.

“But I'll be there for you. As the world falls down. Falling in love.”

You weren’t surprised when his quick feet caught up with you almost immediately, then slowing down to match your pace. You hated that he did that. He always did that. Asshole.

“Listen, I should have discussed this with you,” “Should you?” You interrupted, not halting your movement. “I don’t know. It’s not as if I am your wife or anything.” “Darling, please,” Nikolai pleaded, now grabbing your upper arms and keeping you in place, turning you to face him. “I love you, and only you. You know this.”

You didn’t respond to this, your eyes casting to the floor instead. You couldn’t see the change in Nikolai’s features upon your silence. You didn’t see how his eyebrows furrowed in heartbreak as his eyes reflected the same sadness you had felt this entire time. “You know that I love you, right?” He repeated, his voice now unsure.

The silence that followed was as terrifying to you as it had been to him. He hadn’t meant to make you feel this way. When he proposed, he didn’t think much of it, expecting you wouldn’t think much of it either. But the opposite finally appeared to be true, and now being directly faced with it, Nikolai cursed himself for not seeing it earlier.

“I'll paint you mornings of gold. I'll spin you Valentine evenings though we're strangers 'til now. We're choosing the path Between the stars.”

“Hey,” He tried, his hands gently falling from your arms as one of his fingers tapped your chin, causing you to redirect your gaze from the floor to his face. “You know I love you, right?”

Your lower lip trembled lightly as you let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know anymore, Nikolai.” “Oh, darling,” he sighed, wrapping his arms around you as he forced you into his embrace. And finally, after three days, you broke, your eyes breaking its dams as tears began to stream down your face, your shoulders shaking with your sobs.

“There is no one in the world I could ever love other than you,” Nikolai assured, his head resting atop yours as his fingers began to rub soothing patterns on your back. “Please, do not think you are anything less to me than everything.” “Why wouldn’t you ask me?” You sobbed, not looking up at him, instead keeping your head buried in his chest.

“I don’t know,” He answered truthfully. “I didn’t mean much by the proposal. I didn’t think too much of it as anything other than a paper.” He continued, placing a comforting kiss on top of your head. “And because of that, I didn’t think you would make much of it either.” “You were wrong.” You countered, your hands now grasping the back of his robe. “I know that now.” Then, he moved his head, looking down at you. “And I should have asked you before. I see that error.”

“I'll leave my love Between the stars.”

“If you had asked,” You started, your voice unsure. “And I would have said no, would you have still asked her?” A beat of silence echoed, before you felt him shake his head. “I wouldn’t have.”

You raised your head at this, your teary eyes forcing contact with his, seeking his face for any hint of deception. When you couldn’t find any, you sighed heavily. “I want to understand,” you muttered. “But part of me feels so betrayed.” “I know,” Nikolai whispered, one hand making its way to your face, wiping away stray tears. “And I do not blame you for this.”

“Alina is lovely,” you continued. “She doesn’t know we’re married. She doesn’t do this to harm me. Yet, part of me envies her so much. Every time I see her, I just want to punch her in the face.” That got a tiny chuckle out of him. “She doesn’t deserve that, Nikolai.” You scolded. “No, but it’s a little funny.”

“As the pain sweeps through Makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone Wasn't too much fun at all.”

When his laughter died down, he looked at you in sincerity. “I can break it off,” He decided. “Easily. It wouldn’t hurt her feelings. In truth, I do not think she feels anything for me. She is lovesick over Mal.” “Nikolai,” You interrupted him. “As someone who wishes to end this war, I see that this would be a good solution.” He shook his head. “And as my wife?”

When you thought about it for some time, Nikolai filled the silence. “The brutal truth.” He clarified. “Don’t make me feel good about myself.” You shrugged at that, your features falling slightly. “I’d ask for both your hands. Not just one.”

With those words, Nikolai’s hands intertwined with yours, squeezing them affectionately. “Then, you shall have them.” A heavy feeling settled into the pit of your stomach, the ominous truth lurking over your shoulders, almost laughing at you menacingly. “The people need an end to all of this.” “There are other ways to solve this war. Other, peaceful ways.” Nikolai countered, pulling you back into his embrace.

“But I'll be there for you. As the world falls down. As the world falls down. Falling in love.”

When he didn’t feel you copy his hold, he continued talking. “Marriage was option one. There are a hundred others.” “You could have started with these.” You mumbled, wiping the final few tears off your face. “Well, this one was the easiest,” Nikolai explained. “But I think that keeping my one true wife is worth the struggle.”

The lump in your throat began to slowly vanish at those words, anxiety still there, although less severe. As if he sensed it, Nikolai broke his hold on you. “Come morning, I’ll talk to Alina. You have my word.” Your hand shot to your arm as you rubbed it, trying to distract yourself. “I think it’s just the looming threat of the darkling.”

Cocking his head from side to side, the prince agreed with you. “It is terrifying.” “What if we cannot win this?” You questioned, doubt heavy on your mind. You knew it was on Nikolai’s too, but he had always been better at hiding it. Royal training tends to do that to you. “For the first time in years, we have a chance,” he assured. “And if not, I’ll die protecting that which I love.” You raised your eyebrows at this, already knowing what was coming, but you gave him the chance to say it out loud: “That’s you.”

Finally, a small smile climbed onto your face. “Sap.” “You married me for it.”

“As the world falls down Falling in love. As the world falls down.”

The late hour had started to dawn on you, exhaustion slipping back into your features. You were too tired to think more of the war, and make the issue bigger than it was. You spoke with Nikolai, which hadn’t been on your list of things to immediately get to. Be that as it may, it brought enough relief, and you found yourself slightly grateful for him stalking the halls late at night.

“Promise to not propose to anyone ever again?” You asked, trying to leave the matter for what it was. “Not ever after I asked you?” Nikolai retorted in a joking manner. You didn’t laugh at this. “That was a joke.” He clarified.

“It wasn’t funny.” “I know,” He quickly corrected himself, wiping the smile off his face, sincerity shown once again. “That was too soon.” You nodded at him, but leaned into his side, offering him some form of assurance.

“Makes no sense at all. Makes no sense to fall. As the world falls down Falling in love.”

“Come back to bed, my love. I haven’t slept well in days.” He muttered, an arm wrapping around your figure as he held you against him. “Neither have I.” You confessed, which caused him to look at you in slight confusion. “Truly?” When you nodded at him, he nodded his head, seemingly lost in thought. “Well, you wouldn’t say. You still look absolutely breathtaking.” You couldn’t suppress the heat rising to your face at his words, your heart skipping a beat.

When he didn’t speak after that, you took it as your queue to fill it. “I’m sorry.” You voiced. Furrowing his eyebrows, Nikolai squeezed your shoulder. “You have nothing to apologise for,” His feet began to walk through the halls, dragging you with him as he made sure to match your pace. “You were completely in the right to question my decisions and feel hurt because of it. My mistake was thinking that my reason for actions would be interpreted the same for everyone.” He cleared his throat as he thought over his own actions of the past few weeks with regret. “Clearly, that is not the case, and I know that now.”

The second smile of the night climbed upon your face as you looked up at him. “Are you apologising to me now?” “Shh,” He shushed you quickly. “Don’t tell the others.” You shook your head, nudging his side slightly. A content grin spread on Nikolai’s face as he looked down at you. “I love you, darling.” He shared. “Will you say it back?”

Giving him one fake-hesitant look, you gave him a joking nod. “I love you too.” His free hand grasped yours, bringing it up to his lips as he placed a light kiss on top of it.

“Thank you.”

“As the world falls down. Falling in love.”

#november writings 2023 #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix #grishaverse #Nikolai lantsov #sturmhond #nikolai lantsov x reader #patrick gibson

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother   Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

We were in the backseat Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar "I rent a place on Cornelia Street" I say casually in the car We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

Summary: While you are beginning again in Ravka, Kaz Brekker contemplates and reminisces about how you were the one who quietly made a home in his cold heart and is addicted to the terrible ache in his heart that he feels keenly at your absence in his life. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic), Six of Crows x Reader (Platonic). 

Warnings: Pure sweet fluff, humor, lots of angst, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Dregs being legends, Kaz Brekker being an absolute emotionally constipated asshole in denial.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 5 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience and understanding! I’ve written this chapter from Kaz’ POV explaining his feelings and thoughts because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time and it was a challenge but I finally did it! 

I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 4 -  Someone to Stay

Ketterdam was dark and dismal full of hidden secrets and monsters in the shadows. The city was built on blood and secrets and no one knew that better than the man who now ruled it, Kaz Brekker. 

As Kaz Brekker strode through the crowded streets of Ketterdam filled with gullible pigeons and hungry monsters, he felt empty and alone. It was a feeling now he knew all too well though he tried to ignore it. The feeling ached and hurt him in places he didn’t know he had for the last few weeks. Kaz felt terrible these days, his mood completely sour and ill - tempered than usual frightening the Dregs, hurting his enemies and concerning his friends. Kaz couldn’t sleep the last few weeks as he tossed and turned restlessly in his empty and cold bed and in the rare moments he sunk into a fitful slumber, he was dreamt of you and woke up with sweat running down his forehead and gasps. 

In the moments of sleep, he dreamt of you. The dreams always started the same way... there you were smiling at him as he reached for you, as he pressed a hungry kiss onto your sweet lips devouring you eagerly as both of you indulged in happiness and love that was only yours. But it would all fall down when the thick darkness began to envelope their surroundings and though they tried to escape it, you both would be caught in it, trapped within a dark and deserted place where nothing grew. Kaz remembered feeling your hand brush against his in the darkness. It wouldn’t make sense but suddenly the darkness would thin out slightly and they were both alone in a ship that had been wrecked as a storm poured down on them. In his dream, Kaz and you were trying to find a way out of the ship wreck but out of the blue, a shadowy figure shoots at Kaz but the bullet never reaches Kaz. Kaz wonders why he is unharmed as he realizes that in the cold of the stormy night, you had wrapped yourself around him and taken the bullet for him. Kaz watches you bleed as the life drained away from your eyes and the storm drowns you and he loses you. 

He hates this feeling of helplessness and fear he feels when he wakes up and realizes it isn’t real, it was just a nightmare but it hurts more when it hits him that you aren’t around to quiet his fears with the gentleness in your eyes and the touch of your hand. 

Since you left Ketterdam, the days dragged on and time seemed to pass by completely slowly infuriating Kaz who was haunted by you and took out his anger on everyone else. Everyone in Ketterdam feared him more than ever, and the Crows were praying for your swift return. 

Kaz remembered the first time he had seen you. It was a moment he would never forget. 

The cold season was oncoming and the Crows had heard of stories of the number of children increased in Ketterdam who were shivering in the cold, starving and had no shelter. As they made their way to the Slat that provided them warmth as they talked and laughed, Jesper’s eyes had landed on a girl dressed in a shabby and raggedy dress standing on the dirty and wet street with baskets in her arms as she stared at him hungrily. 

Jesper was used to people staring at him. Everyone stared at him in admiration, fear, awe and lust and Jesper loved it. But Jesper had never felt anyone stare at him hungrily with a wistful look. It made him feel sad as he met your hungry and starved eyes that stared at him greedily and thought that you were one of those poor beggar children who had nothing to eat and no one to go to. It never occurred to him that you had been staring at him hungrily because you were greedy and starving for the warm and happy life he led with his friends, the laughter and mischievousness that glittered in his kind eyes and that you just wanted to go back to the better days where you had your brother by your side, and everything was just perfect and unspoiled. Jesper only saw your ragged clothes, hungry eyes, skinny figure that shivered in the cold. 

And that’s why Jesper thrust his hand into his pocket and took the money he had been meaning to gamble and took off his coat as well as he walked toward you with kindness “Here you go, dear. Take this money and my coat. It’ll keep you warm.”

You had been startled and alarmed as you realized the boy with a warm and sunny disposition you had been staring at had mistaken you for a beggar girl and you realized you looked like one of the shabby and skinny poor children, the ones you had always been generous to back at home. The realization hit you like a hurricane with humiliation as you grew red and then deathly white in embarrassment as you thought of how far you had fallen down from grace. 

And that’s why you broke into a laugh because you were close to crying as you exclaimed your heart touched at the boy’s kindness because all your time spent in Ketterdam, kindness had been very rare to you “Oh no! Oh no, thank you! I must refuse!”

The Crows who had been watching the scene unfold, waiting for Jesper patiently looked in intrigue and interest at you. Kaz raised his head to truly look at you because it was your voice that had interested all of them especially him as he took a few steps forward to listen to you. You did not speak in a manner of an ordinary street child but your manners belonged to a girl who was well bred and raised in a good household. A manner of a princess, mused Kaz as he looked at you intently. 

But Jesper was not to be moved away as he placed his coat over you and put the money in the palm of your hand with kindness etched on his face “You mustn’t refuse! Don’t worry, I have plenty of coats and trust me, this one will keep you really warm. And you must use this money to buy food. If there’s anything you need from me, just ask for Jesper at the Crow Club.”

You saw something so kind and generous in his face that you knew to refuse would break his heart and you didn’t want to disappoint him. So you tightened the very warm coat around you and gratefully accepted the kruge from Jesper who grinned happily though your pride felt stung and your cheeks burned bitterly. You had known that you looked weary and shabby but until now you didn’t know you looked like a beggar girl. 

His grin reminded you so much of your brother and his kindness was such a beautiful thing that you choked on a sob of humiliation and pain, reminiscence and happiness as you flung your arms around him “Thank you! Thank you so much! You are such a kind, sweet and generous darling boy!”

And with those words, you let go of Jesper who smiled happily and you left feeling warm. Kaz’ eyes widened at your response as Jesper skipped back towards them with a happy grin and Kaz reprimanded Jesper “Jesper! Why did you do that? That girl is not a beggar! She didn’t speak like a beggar or look like a beggar!”

“And she didn’t beg. I thought she would be angry with you. Sometimes, it makes people angry to be taken for beggars when they are not.” said Inej who felt sympathetic for you but she agreed with Kaz because there had been something very different about her. 

“She wasn’t angry.” replied Jesper dismayed at his friends reactions but firm in what he had done and happy because he had made a difference in your life as he smiled widely “She was very happy. She laughed and hugged me and said I was a kind, sweet and generous darling boy! And I was!”

Kaz and Inej exchanged thoughtful glances as Kaz felt mystified by you and said “An ordinary beggar girl would have never said that. They would have just accepted the money and thanked you quickly or even respectfully bobbed a curtesy.”

From that moment on, Kaz Brekker was profoundly interested in you. Not just Kaz Brekker but the Crows and nearly all of the Dregs. You knew nothing of this new interest in you and never appeared at the Crow Club seeking Jesper Fahey but whenever you passed the Slat in your broken shoes and worn out clothes, your hair tucked with a ribbon, faces would appear at the window to take a good look at you, many discussions concerning you were held and you were nicknamed at the girl who is not a beggar. It was hilarious when the Dregs said it in a hurry. 

Inej who had followed you and found information about you, told Kaz and Jesper about you “She is alone in Ketterdam. She doesn’t have anybody - she’s an orphan. She’s kind of a servant at the Van Eck mansion. She runs errands, carries parcels and does anything they tell her to.”

Inej’s anger was evident as she spoke fiercely, her hands clenched “They work her to the bone - sending her on long and tiresome errands without any proper clothing. And they punish her, hit her and deprive her of food and starve her and she doesn’t even have a proper place to sleep.”

Jesper looked like he was one second away from marching to the Van Eck mansion and getting you out of there but Inej wasn’t done as she continued “But she’s really strong. She’s friends with a crow that comes to her window and a rat in her room that she tamed.”

Jesper started laughing in amusement and wonder as his eyes gleamed in fondness “Oh! She’s odd that one but I believe I am beginning to like her!”

Kaz hid the little smile that threatened to burst at the thought of you taming and being friends with animals as he listened to Inej “And as for people who are nice to her... the Van Eck boy and her are friends. He’s the only one who is nice to her in that house.”

“What? You mean, Van Eck’s son is friends with the girl who isn’t a beggar?” asked Jesper in interest and intrigue as he snorted in amusement while Kaz sat up in interest “What? Does his daddy know?”

“No. The visits are secret and very rare. The Van Eck boy comes to her room at night whenever it’s safe, with food and books. And she reads to him and tells him stories and they talk and pretend that the attic she lives in is somewhere nicer. But she’s not a beggar.”

Kaz listened to this in rapt attention as he thought of you braving your unbearable life with a vivid imagination and determination. Perhaps that’s when Kaz had begun to like her unbeknownst to him.

The next time Kaz saw you was when he was on his way to the Slat after a negotiation and he spotted your dark mane of hair tied with a narrow ribbon as you slipped through the crowd and something in him ignited fiercely as he followed you quietly in interest. This day was a wretched one. His leg ached bitterly but he followed you nevertheless as he observed you were dressed in a dark blue dress that had grown shabbier and worn out, your shoes were downtrodden and wet with water that filled it, the coat around your shoulders was Jesper’s, your face pinched and starved and cold with blue and your heavy thick mane of dark hair was tied in a narrow ribbon. 

That day was wretchedly freezing and dreary, the street wet and sloppy and Kaz observed how the wind tried to drag the coat Jesper had given you as you waded through the mud, the water filling your broken shoes. Although Kaz knew of your position in the Van Eck household, he truly did not know the extent to which the ill tempered and depressed staff treated you as a slave driving you on errands on the worst days. Kaz didn’t know that today of all days, you were trying to keep away the thoughts of your ravenous hunger by thinking of more pleasant and lovelier thoughts of being in dry and beautiful clothes, eating the most delicious food in the company of those whom you loved the best. He did not know for you, your imagination and making up stories and pretending was your way of coping and being strong in the hell of this city. 

Kaz observed you stop at a bakery as you stared hungrily at the pastries, buns and cakes on display when your attention seemed to shift to a little beggar boy with untamable wild curly hair, a pale face with big hungry eyes and dirty clothes as he wrapped himself with rags to keep warm from the freezing cold. The boy was younger than Kaz himself and Kaz observed you talk softly and kindly to the boy for a few moments, your lips nearly blue from the cold. Kaz waited in the shadows as he saw you finish the conversation with the little hungry boy and look at him with an odd look in your eyes. 

Kaz watched keenly as you entered the bakery where you were greeted by a friendly and kind boy with unruly brown hair and watched you point for three waffles. The nice and warm ones that had just been made. Kaz quietly watched the baker boy throw in five waffles in the bag for you and you seemed to point his mistake to Kaz’ surprise. Kaz wondered why you wouldn’t just take it and leave when you were so hungry. But the baker boy just smiled kindly and gave the bag to you as you stumbled out of the bakery and look at the little boy who seemed to be crying in suffering and starvation. 

Kaz urged you to leave. You had what you wanted, there was no time for you to think about others. 

But to his great shock, you knelt down before the boy as you gently smiled at him and handed him one waffle. The boy looked at you in amazement as if you had performed a miracle and began to eat it up wildly as if he was afraid that the waffle would vanish any time if he didn’t devour it up soon. Kaz was frozen in shock as he watched you place the rest of the waffles in the little beggar boy’s hands as you said something kind to the boy and ruffled his hair. The savage beggar boy was too hungry to give thanks as you left him to eat knowing that he was starving and the beggar boy looked up to see the vanishing figure of you at the end of the street. 

Kaz didn’t know why but he knew that you could have eaten up all five waffles without hesitation. He had seen it in your eyes. And yet, you had sacrificed it for this poor child you barely knew. As he reflected on his thoughts, curiosity got the better of him as he strode toward the boy. 

“Who gave you those waffles?”

The boy nodded toward your vanishing figure and Kaz queried curiously “What did she say to you?”

The boy looked at Kaz distrustfully but answered “Asked me if I was ‘ungry.”

“What did you say?”

“Said I had nothin to eat.”

“And then she bought the waffles and gave it to you?”

The boy nodded and although Kaz knew the answer, he had to hear it from the boy’s mouth “How many?”

“Five.”

Something in Kaz’ seemed to ignite at the answer. He had seen it was five but he couldn’t quite believe that the girl would be so stupid, self - sacrificing and kind to give the food she could have sustained herself with to a complete stranger who she didn’t know. It was absolutely an act of stupidity to Kaz and yet it moved and touched Kaz in a way it had not before. Ketterdam was a city known for cruelty and exploitation with darkness of the hearts spreading through it like a disease but this girl had proven that her heart was a ray of sunshine, the kindness and goodness in her soul was still not snatched by this city even though she faced the worst trials of adversity. 

Kaz felt himself transported to his childhood where Jordie and him were completely poor and hungry. How different would their lives have been if there had been someone like her, someone who had been willing to share and listen to their woes and someone who had been completely good and kind to them without expectations and conditions. 

Kaz thought of your hungry eyes and cold figure. He knew you had wanted those waffles. He knew that you could have eaten all of those waffles and even more but instead you chose to give it to a little boy who was hungrier and colder than you were. 

Perhaps your act of goodness stirred something in his cold heart because Kaz inquired “Are you still hungry?”

“I’m always ‘ungry. But it ain’t half that bad now.”

Kaz was inspired by your little act of goodness that was enormous in his eyes as the next few words slipped his mouth “Go to the Crow Club and tell them Kaz Brekker sent you to be looked after by Inej Ghafa. She’ll help you get yourself warm and give you something to eat.”

The little urchin got up and obeyed because he didn’t care what was happening or what happened next as long as he was given a place where warmth and food was supplied. As Kaz looked at the little urchin leaving, he realized that he had done this for your sake and he decided to follow you because now he had started to see you, he couldn’t stop. 

Kaz found himself at the Van Eck household where he saw you entering it with baskets and parcels in your hands, completely exhausted. 

Kaz hid among the bushes having a good vantage point to see everything going on as he saw Van Eck accompanied by his son, both of them dressed in warm clothing as they sat at a table full of warm food with books scattered on it as Van Eck who was in a foul temper scolded the quiet son. 

When you entered the garden, you ran into Van Eck who was already in a savage temper as he snapped “Where were you? You have been wasting time, lingering out and about for hours.”

Kaz noticed how tired you looked but you still managed to reply faintly and politely “It was wet and muddy. It was hard to walk because my shoes were so bad and slippery.”

“Do not lie. You shall go without dinner tonight.” stated Van Eck savagely while his son turned quite pale. 

“I have had nothing to eat since this week.” Kaz heard you reply in a faint and low voice and felt himself tremble in savage anger. 

“Then all the better! You shall have no breakfast, lunch or dinner tomorrow either! That will teach you how to behave like a proper servant!” 

Kaz was certain you were trembling in hunger and cold as you grew pale and on the verge of breaking down when the son spoke up softly yet boldly “Father, please! She’s just a girl. You cannot starve -”

Van Eck slapped his son so hard that the boy nearly stumbled back and you gasped in horror and fear while Kaz watched in curiosity “You will speak when you are spoken to! Have you no pride? She is not a girl, she is a servant and she will be treated as so! Truly, Wylan, you disappoint me with that soft heart of yours. Go to your room and think about yourself. Have you never thought of what I think of you and try to become someone that I can be proud of?”

Wylan’s eyes were misty but it was your face that caught Van Eck’s attention. It had caught Kaz’ attention too for your face was serious and solemn, quiet and sad as you fixed your eyes on Van Eck who glared at you fiercely. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Kaz’ eyes were on you as you stood steadfast and fearless in front of Van Eck as you answered quietly “I was thinking.”

By the expression on Van Eck’s face, Kaz realized that he had dealt with situations like this with you before as he demanded “Thinking of what? Beg my pardon for thinking.”

“I shall not beg your pardon for thinking.” you replied honestly as Kaz’ looked at you, your expression serious and sad as you replied quietly “I was thinking of what my father would think and do if he knew where I was today.”

Kaz’ saw Van Eck go red and then a dangerous purple as he flew at you and shook you violently, slapping your cheek and boxing your ears as you gasped in pain from the endless blows you received as Van Eck ignored Wylan’s protests as he snapped “You insolent child! How dare you be so impolite to your employer!”

There was a fire of fury that ignited in Kaz as he watched you take the blows in agony and pain as you hid back your tears. When Van Eck was finished with you, your cheeks were red and smarting and there was a slight wound from the blows you received but Kaz’ felt curious and awed as he saw your eyes were bright as stars as you let out a little amused laugh that shocked Van Eck who saw that you were not frightened by him. 

Kaz felt curiosity stir as he watched you in amazement as you laughed and then bobbed a mocking curtesy “Excuse me for laughing if it is impolite but I cannot help it when there is a clown in front of me.”

Kaz couldn’t help but grin at her daring sassiness as she ran away leaving Van Eck struggling with his rage and Wylan hiding a small smile as his eyes lingered on her vanishing figure. 

That day, as Kaz sat in his office in the Slat, he thought of your tight and pinched face, your starved and hungry eyes that held determination and thoughtfulness in them and your quiet polite manners and daring bravery. Kaz was fascinated by you from the moment he had seen you. You reminded him of a girl in his childhood. You were vastly different from this girl but yet there was something about you that reminded him of the girl back in his village Lij. 

Everyone called her the Little Empress. She was the daughter of a rich and respected man who was a businessman in Ketterdam. Her father kept her in the grand mansion and there were many stories and rumors about her and her dangerous father that Jordie used to tell Kaz to pass the time because Kaz was fascinated by the fairytale life they lived. Kaz remembers the times he did catch rare glimpses of her and believed that the name Little Empress fitted her. 

Kaz had seen her traveling in a carriage with her father as she held onto his arm. Kaz had seen her hand in hand with her father, surrounded by elegant governesses and intimidating men and women as they walked through the village commanding respect. Kaz’ eyes widened in awe and wonder every time he glimpsed her, for she looked very pretty and beautiful in her velvet dresses trimmed with furs, lace and satin dresses with puffed sleeves, lovely hats, ermine coats and muffs and tiny gloves that fitted her little hands, handkerchiefs and silk stockings that Kaz heard the villagers whisper that the little girl had a wardrobe that was much too grand for a child of seven. Kaz had learned the father was a gangster from his father but fond of his little girl and wanted his child to have everything he admired and everything he admired himself. Jordie murmured that though she had everything, the little girl was not spoiled because once Jordie had bumped into her on an errand and when she had seen Jordie cold and shivering, she had offered her silk scarf and her cloak and insisted on buying him a hot meal and food for his family as well. Kaz had never spoken to the Little Empress but all he knew of her is that she lived grandly with a gangster father who spoiled her, governesses who taught her everything she needed to know and people who protected her. 

Though Kaz barely remembers much of his life in his village, one of the memories he does remember is meeting the gangster, the father of the Little Empress who visited their farm to buy a horse for his daughter. Kaz’ father knew the gangster through casual acquaintance for both men had fondness and affection for horses and greeted the gangster excited about finding a horse for his daughter. They both walked around as Kaz’ father talked about the special qualities of each horse but the gangster was waiting for the right horse. 

Kaz and Jordie left their village after their father’s death and a week after that, they heard that the gangster’s house was burned to ashes with everyone in it and there was no possibility of any survivors. Kaz had thought of the Little Empress burning in the fire and had felt a pit of sadness grow at the thought of the gangster and the pretty Little Empress dying in the fire. Their faces were now blurry to him but he still remembered the excitement and amazement he felt every time he caught a glimpse of her. 

You were not like the Little Empress at all. You were dirty, shabby, poor and worn out. But there was something in your manner that reminded him of the Little Empress. Something bold and kind, smart and resilient that impressed Kaz who was lost in thoughts of you. 

Kaz kept an eye out for you but after a while, you stopped passing by the Slat and Crow Club with parcels and baskets in your arms. Kaz waited for you to pass by the Slat and Crow Club but as days went by, your presence did not grace them and the Dregs felt worried about the girl who was not a beggar. Kaz hid all the worry as he sent Inej to look out for you but you had disappeared from Ketterdam. Kaz felt something in him sink in dark pain when Inej bought back the news that she couldn’t find you anywhere as he realized that you had not survived the cruelty and mercilessness of Ketterdam. After your disappearance, the Van Eck boy mysteriously disappeared as well. Though Kaz, Inej and Jesper searched valiantly for you, their efforts were in vain because you were nowhere to be found and no one knew of where you were. 

After many months after your disappearance, Kaz Brekker who was working on a heist regarding taking down one of the prominent gangs that abducted young children heard stories and rumors of an infamous spy and an intelligent detective who could find anyone no matter how far they ran and how hard they tried to hide away from the rest of the world. This spy was a shadow, an enigma and a mystery that had no name but many people in Ketterdam owed their lives to this spy because this spy would take any job given to them and do it successfully with style. This was a unique spy different from the ones who dominated Ketterdam. This spy took on cases of murder, missing children, abusive households, exposing corruption and helped people with their skillset. The stories and rumors boasted of a spy who was dangerous, uncatchable, intelligent and always one step ahead of those who thought they had the spy in a trap. 

Kaz searched for this ruthless and smart spy endlessly because it was rumored they were working on the same case as him and secondly their skillset could be valuable to him. Finally, you got into a fight with one of the Dregs leaving him seriously injured. Kaz who had seen the injuries on his Dreg decided to find you once and for all as he send Inej, Jesper and Nina to inquire and found out that you occasionally hung out at a particular pub where people knew your identity but protected you. He learned that you went by name Pandora Silvertongue in the profession.   

Kaz remembered stepping into the bar that belonged to the boy with unruly hair that had been kind to you that day. The boy had now upgraded his bar to a dining and drinking pub where the patrons were drinking and eating, laughing and singing like strangled cats while the boy smiled as he poured them more drinks. 

When the boy with unruly hair saw Kaz, Inej and Jesper enter, his eyes widened in recognition and fear and Kaz announced in a steely voice that was not to be challenged “Is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?” 

Everyone was quiet in fear and fright as no one dared to breath and Jesper took one of his revolvers and shot it to the air startling the patrons who screamed in fear as Kaz announced once again with authority “I said is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?”

The private room of the bar opened up as a girl with a spring in her step, color in her cheeks stepped out calmly as her eyes glinted with understanding and fearlessness. Kaz’, Inej’ and Jesper’s  eyes widened in shock and amazement as they recognized you, the girl who was not a beggar who they had thought disappeared from Ketterdam but here you were alive and well. 

Kaz could feel his breath quicken as his eyes never left you who was dressed in a fine dark blue dress as you looked at the Crows and then at the bartender with authority that you commanded naturally “Steve, get them a drink. Everyone else go home.”

Everyone obeyed your command as they immediately stumbled out of the bar. You seated yourself at a table carelessly and elegantly without extending an invitation to the Crows to join you because you showed no signs of fearing them while Steve poured fine whisky for all of them as you had ordered. 

When Steve finished pouring the drinks, you looked at the bartender with a quiet gleam in your eyes “You go home.”

“But -”

“I said go home.” you said in a calm and quiet voice but everyone understood you shouldn’t be challenged as Steve cast a good protective and concerned look at you and scuttled to the back. 

You lit a cigarette airily and carelessly as you looked at Kaz Brekker as if he was nothing special who was still recovering from his shock and Jesper broke the silence with a grin “The girl who is not a beggar! It’s you! We were so worried about you! We thought you had died - or disappeared but you look so awesome!”

You smiled slightly but before you could reply, Kaz spoke sharply in a hard tone “So I suppose you are the infamous Pandora Silvertongue because you are looking up and down at me like you aren’t afraid of me.”

You merely smiled as you replied calmly and quietly taking a puff of your cigarette “I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.”

But before Kaz could say anything, Jesper jumped in “We’re so glad you are alright. We were worried about you, you know? I mean, we used to make up stories and theories about who you were. You probably don’t remember me -”

“Jesper Fahey from the Crow Club.” you said with a genuine smile as you nodded at him “I never forget anyone who has been kind to me. Thank you for being warm and kind on one of the many dark days I had.”

“Oh... it was nothing.”

“No, it was something. It was something extraordinary.” you replied with a genuinely warm and grateful smile as Jesper felt appreciated and happy. 

“I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.” you replied calmly and quietly as you took a puff of your cigarette. “What are you doing here?”

“Your name is Pandora Silvertongue. In the past few months, you have earned a reputation for being a dangerous spy and an intelligent detective who no one can hide anything from. You also tutor Ketterdam students. You’ve made yourself more enemies than friends. You’re in danger.” informed Kaz calmly with a deadpanned expression as he gazed at you skeptically and perceptively. 

“You’ve done your research but you are still not answering my question.” you replied in amusement as you dabbed your cigarette into the ashtray 

Kaz saw you raise your eyebrows at him and intrigue spark in your eyes as he began “A few weeks ago, someone started to capture Dregs. Not just any Dregs, female Dregs were targeted, lured into isolated areas, tortured and killed. Their eyes were gouged and hearts were ripped out and after three murders, a note was left at the fourth murder.”

You listened to Kaz who handed you the information on the murders as you looked through the papers “This is all the information we have on the killer. We’ve tried to follow and keep tabs on each Dreg but there is little progress. We need to know who the killer is so we can take him down.”

“I need to examine the bodies of the victims and visit the location of each murder to determine the behavioral patterns of the victims and murderers, preferably with one of you so I can role play and get inside their minds.” you replied thoughtfully as you flipped through each page quickly while Kaz nodded “Was the murder weapon left at the scene?”

“No. Who would be stupid enough to do that?” laughed Jesper rolling his eyes at you. 

“Killers who enjoy the thrill of the chase. To them, killing isn’t just a crime, it’s an emotional release and enjoyment.” you replied as you ran your hand through your hair, your face full of concentration and focus making you oddly attractive to Kaz “Was anything taken away from the victims when they were found?”

“Their weapons.” answered Kaz curtly 

“Well, I’ll look into everything about these girls. From their family backgrounds, traumas, how they were recruited, special skills, who they were close to and their daily routines. I also look into their autopsy reports.” you stated firmly as you closed the file and looked at an unreadable Kaz, a hopeful Inej and amazed Jesper who listened attentively to you and you were silent for a few moments as you read the note “But I can tell you this about the killer from the note.”

Kaz leaned slightly forward in interest as he waited in anticipation “Did you ever wonder why there was a note left on the fourth murder? It’s because the first three killings didn’t get the attention he wanted it to. So, to get the glory and revel in it, the killer left the note. What he doesn’t know is... he also left clues as to how to find him.”

Kaz raised his eyebrows because he couldn’t quite believe you had found clues regarding the killer so soon but he nodded at you to continue. 

“From what you told me about the killer, he is not confident enough to initiate social contact so he lures them into isolation. Look at the letters, the style of writing - not confident enough but charming enough to be trustworthy. Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants. The writer’s handwriting shows signs of emotional repression and violence. And the pressure if you look closely is excessively heavy which shows that he is uptight hiding trauma and can easily overreact with excessive violence.” you stated in one breath as you gestured to the handwriting in the letter while Kaz looked at you in hidden wonder and admiration, impressed by your intelligence. 

Jesper was the first one to find his tongue “You got all that from his handwriting?”

“Handwriting is an indicator of personality and behavior. It symbolizes your emotions at the given time just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling and speaking.” you replied smartly while Kaz processed this new information “But the interesting thing about this note is - it’s a line from a Kaelish poem. It says ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, tell no more lies about who you are.’”

Inej looked at Kaz and Jesper and then at you thoughtfully as she offered “So then, we are looking for someone Kaelish, well versed in literature, educated, narcistic and organized?”

You looked at Kaz confidently and smartly, with a grim glint in your eyes “I would cut off Kaelish. This person wants you to narrow it down to Kaelish people. Right now, you are looking for someone who knows the language of Kaelish, who is well - versed in literature, violent when provoked, smart and organized and charming and trustworthy and someone who needs to be in control. This was a person all these three girls knew and trusted... and maybe, it’s someone you know too. Someone who knows the procedures of the Dregs and how things work in there. This was someone who stalked each girl, observed the times she did everything, places she went to, people she talked to and organized the crime accordingly.” 

“So we cannot eliminate the possibility that it might be one of the Dregs.” replied Kaz calmly as he thought of the possible suspects and the people who the three girls had in common. 

“No. In fact, I believe you might have even met the killer, perhaps offering condolences for the deaths of the girls or trying to help in any way they can to find them. Keep a sharp eye and trust no one.” you replied sharply and grimly and then after a long moment of silence, your lips curved into a smile “How do you feel about the violin?”

Kaz, Jesper and Inej exchanged surprised glances because that was the last question they expected “What?”

“Well, I play the violin when I’m thinking. Will that be a problem? I also need a large space to pace about, I’m a coffee addict and I don’t talk for days on end and sometimes I talk to myself because I’m the only one in the room who makes sense. Will that bother you? Potential colleagues should know the worst about each other.” you stated easily and calmly with a charming and sweet smile as you finished the last of your whisky. 

Jesper and Inej exchanged amused glances at how Kaz looked surprised at you taking charge and twisting the conversation to surprise him as he replied “Colleagues? Who said anything about becoming a Dreg?”

“I did. Told Nina Zenik day before yesterday over waffles that I must be a difficult and dangerous woman to work with because Pekka Rollins’ has his eye on me because I just took down one of the slavers. Now here her employer is... Kaz Brekker, the Lieutenant of the Dregs, the owner of the Crow Club, clearly wanting to get to me before Rollins does by testing me to see if I am worthy of his time and investment and lives up to Zenik’s word.” you said casually and nonchalantly as if the answer had been simple enough for anyone to understand and Kaz wondered if you had set this up on purpose as he watched you stand up and put your coat on “It isn’t really a difficult conclusion.”

Jesper grinned “I really like her.”

Inej grinned wider as she nodded “Yeah, I really like her too.”

“I’ll be in contact. I need to establish my investigation so I’ll be moving in as a bar girl and Brekker’s secretary tomorrow. That way, I can discreetly find out about what happened to the girls and who they associated with and perhaps even lure out the killer.” you replied briskly in a composed and matter - of - fact voice that Kaz did not like because he was the boss as you moved across the room swiftly “I don’t need a room, I have my own place so I won’t be around for that. I’ll meet you in the evening around at five to go check the victims and locations. Sorry, got to dash... have important things to do.”

Kaz was surprised at the nonchalance and fearlessness you held toward him and the way you treated him as your equal as he called out “Is that it?”

“Is that what?” you inquired politely as you stopped mid - step to look at Kaz in curiosity. 

“Well, we just met and now you are part of the Dregs without my permission?” replied Kaz smartly in a deadly and dangerous voice as he looked at you coldly while Inej and Jesper exchanged amused looks because Kaz seemed to have met his match.  

You didn’t seem fazed at all, in fact you seemed surprised and amused “Problem?”

“We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we are meeting this evening and I suspect Pandora Silvertongue isn’t your real name.” replied Kaz smoothly and smartly as he raised his eyebrows at her with a smirk because he had to admit she had the nerve and daring combined with her intelligence and curiosity which felt oddly attractive to Kaz. 

“I know you are the Lieutenant of the Dregs, Kaz Brekker. I know you sent the Wraith to follow me yesterday. I know that Per Haskell is a puppet and you are the puppet master who one day hopes to be the leader of the Dregs but is waiting for the opportune moment. I know that you are an orphaned farm boy who was raised outside of Ketterdam in a village judging by the hint of the rural accent that is audible under your Kerch. I know you came to Ketterdam with someone you loved dearly -  the last of your family members - perhaps an older sibling. Since you are standing here alone, I know that your older sibling must have died in the firepox plague that overwhelmed Ketterdam but somehow you managed to survive and climb up the ladder in the streets, developing an aversion to touch, trust issues, avoidance of friendships, hyper vigilance, protectiveness toward Jesper who possibly reminds of your sibling by the way you look at him and reprimand him and hunger for revenge. You think the world is out to get you and you are distrustful of every single person you come into contact with because you were let down by someone you cared about. You like to think you are detached from weakness but you do care... and the reason I know that is you permanently marked yourself with that tattoo on your wrist... R... it stands for something personal... perhaps a name of someone you care about with love or hate... a reminder to you. I know that you like to pretend you are different from the rest of the criminals in the Barrel by dressing up in black like a mercher and distinguishing yourself away from them but the gloves - they hide something - perhaps your touch aversion? I know your limp is psychosomatic. And just one mention of Pekka Rollins, your face is filled with hatred but you are not competing with him for power - no, your eyes are filled with revenge. It’s personal and you intend to be the last man standing.” 

Kaz’ eyes widened as you began your explanation and analysis of him and he felt completely exposed and slightly frightened when you deducted and observed his weaknesses and shames that the world did not see because he hid it so well from them. Kaz couldn’t breath as he listened to you cleverly and calmly rattle out facts about him that no one else knew but seemed completely transparent and obvious to you and when you finished, Kaz’ knees were slightly wobbly and his grip on his cane was tight as he looked at you with something akin to fear and reverence in his heart. 

Inej and Jesper exchanged slightly anxious looks as they looked at Kaz who had gone completely pale and you grinned and winked at the three of them “That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you’ve earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

Kaz had been shaken to the core and had wondered how you knew about these personal things. The next time he had met you to help you with your investigate, he had been completely cold and threatening as he demanded how you found out his secrets but you simply explained your observations that had led you to conclude your deductions about him. Those observations were sharp and clever, things that the rest of the world were stupid enough to ignore and it had shocked Kaz you were clever and sharp enough to pick up on those little things. 

Though Kaz hadn’t liked how you had first approached him, he understood your value as a person and a member of the Dregs immediately. He knew that he could not let you go because there were a dozen more powerful and cruel men who were willing to get their hands on you and use you unkindly to their advantage. Kaz had enough information on the city to know that Pekka Rollins had a keen eye on your talents and wanted you all to himself. And Kaz was not going to let a dangerous and talented girl like you be Pekka’s property. 

“That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you've earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

You worked undercover as a bargirl and Kaz’ secretary for two weeks in the Crow Club and the Slat. Kaz noticed that you wasted no time in charming everyone and making friends with people who warmed up to you and opened their hearts, confiding their deepest and darkest secrets to you. You were an efficient and effective hard worker who never gave anyone reason to doubt that you were a spy as you observed and worked on the case. There were times you would drive Kaz crazy with your endless playing of the violin at midnight when you needed to think, your coffee addiction that was worse than his and you muttering under your breath, spouting completely random but interesting facts that surprised everyone out of nowhere and sometimes completely zoning out lost in thought ignoring his presence. Kaz found it truly annoying and exasperating but Inej, Nina and Jesper who were slightly patient with you found it amusing that Kaz had found someone worse than him. 

Through his time with you,  Kaz couldn’t believe you were real. Whenever you presented developments in the investigation, there were somethings such an elegant intelligence and raw thought that he had never seen in anyone else. He always would be surprised by your findings because you would up with observations that no one else would think of and was surprisingly accurate. Kaz never showed it but he was in awe of your intelligence and wondered where you had trained your mind to be like this and learned all these things. 

You had found the killer soon enough and suspected that Anika would be the next target. What you hadn’t expected the killer to do was twist his plan and take Inej hostage. Kaz and Jesper had set out to find the killer with the Dregs with your help and you were ordered to stay out of the line of fighting. But the killer had been too smart for Kaz and Jesper planning own traps for them forcing them to watch when he tried to torture Inej under the impression that Inej was Pandora Silvertongue. 

Jesper was full on panicking “PLEASE! LET HER GO! SHE’S NOT PANDORA SILVERTONGUE!”

The killer laughed as he looked at Jesper who was trying to break free “I don’t believe you.”

“You should you know. Pandora Silvertongue is nothing like her.” came a cocky and confident voice out of the dark shadows alarming everyone and getting the attention of the killer.

Inej let out a gasp, Jesper looked around in amazement and shock at your voice that had echoed out of the darkness and Kaz swore his heart jumped out of his chest in alarm and relief with overwhelming emotion that he could not describe. 

“How would you describe her, Mr. Brekker? Beautiful? Intelligent? Resourceful?” your voice asked from the distinct darkness as Kaz had tried to look around trying to search where you possibly might be hiding. 

Kaz had muttered “Disobedient.”

The killer who was one of the new Dregs grinned maniacally “Then you know what I want, don’t you, Silvertongue?”

You had answered as you had taken down one man through the darkness “I believe I do.”

The killer was maniacal at this point as he called out for you as he flashed his knife with a grin when you had appeared out of nowhere and hit the killer with a large brick on his head making the killer fall onto the floor in an unconscious heap as you had rolled your eyes at the killer “Moron.”

You had saved Inej, Jesper and Kaz in time much to their relief. Kaz had seen enough proof that you were worthy of being in the Dregs and offered you a position of the spy in part of the Dregs. You had accepted and from then on, the Crow Club and the Slat had become your home. You had become a loyal ally, a talented spy who was excellent at your job and a close friend to Kaz. Soon Kaz trusted you with the most important missions that you completed brilliantly, valued you as an important part of the Crows and began to see you as a close friend who he liked. 

Kaz prided himself on being someone who had a control over his emotions. After all, he was the most feared man in Ketterdam and his stoic and cold nature required a certain level of control. But when Kaz was with you, he felt something warm flood within him whenever you smiled at him reassuringly and teasingly, he found himself becoming a boy who craved to feel the flutter of his heart whenever you laughed at his dark and dry sense of humor, the reassurance he felt when you stayed up late with him planning heists and cleaning messes after parties. He found his eyes searching for you in the crowded Crow Club and lingering on you for a moment too long as he gazed at your charming and charismatic demeanor that enchanted him. He found your company enjoyable as both of you walked the streets of Ketterdam from the harbor to the marketplace to the Slat and you chatted enthusiastically about anything on your mind as he found himself listening in fondness as he memorized the expressions of your face. He looked forward to the nights where both of you would sit on the roof together gazing at the view of Ketterdam and looking up at the stars as you both shared bottles of whisky and laughed and confided your insecurities, wildest dreams, deepest secrets and untold thoughts to each other as he felt a connection of understanding and trust he had never felt with anyone else. 

Kaz remembered when one day Jesper had dragged him to one of his games where they had to disguise themselves and fool as many Dregs as possible. Kaz and you had been friendly competitive rivals as Kaz promised to beat you in the game. But he had been destroyed when he had only managed to fool two Dregs and you had managed to fool around ten Dregs with your disguise and cover story. 

Kaz walked toward you who was drinking as he scowled “I blew it. I only got through two Dregs.”

“Woah! I got to ten.” you had replied with a playful and sympathetic grin as you looked at him. 

“I can’t believe I lost this stupid game! I was so excited for this. What happened?” exclaimed Kaz as he sat next to you wearing a scowl as he looked completely frustrated. 

“Well, maybe you being excited is what happened. Like every time we’re planning heists, you’re always super intelligent, you take your time, you stay calm and examine every possibility. But every time we do dumb games like this, you get excited and act like a crazy idiot. My advice... don’t act like a crazy idiot.” you replied with an insightful and thoughtful smile as you looked at Kaz with a soft glimmer in your eyes.  

Kaz was surprised at your answer that made him think because it made sense at how perceptive and true it was “Thanks. That was surprisingly wise.”

“Yeah well, motherhood really opens a woman’s eyes. I finally feel as if I’m finally part of something bigger than myself.” you had dramatically said as you touched your fake pregnant belly that was part of your disguise in the game while Kaz rolled his eyes at you and slapped the fake belly in exasperation. 

You placed a protective hand on your fake belly as you gasped dramatically “Hey don’t you dare touch Kazper Jr! That’s right! It’s your baby!”

Kaz had to stop himself from laughing outright as he played along “Are you saying I knocked you up?”

“You sure did!”

Kaz liked it when you were with him. With the rest of the world, he knew you were a gold rush. Everybody wanted to have a taste of you and wanted to know what it would be like to love you. Kaz couldn’t keep his eyes off you because you were an inviting temptation as you flirted and talked with the people with such charismatic and charming sweetness that he felt a flicker of twisted jealousy that crushed him. But when you were with Kaz, though you still teased him with that charming twinkle in your eyes, you displayed a soft sense of vulnerability you never showed to the rest of the world. There was a softness and sweet sincerity in you that you gave Kaz that you never showed the rest of the world and before he could stop himself, Kaz had opened himself and showed his deepest and darkest parts baring himself vulnerable and you had accepted and loved him unconditionally. 

Kaz knew he felt something special for you, something that he never felt for anyone else and something that he couldn’t afford to feel for you in this world. In this world, sentiment was the greatest weakness and it would be used against him by the countless number of enemies who he had made on his way to greatness. So he tried to keep a distance from you as much as he could but there were times he was just drawn to you and he couldn’t stop himself from indulging in your company and worrying about you. 

Before the Ice Court, Kaz had promised Nina that he’d keep an eye on Matthias. So as he searched for Dregs who could infiltrate Hellgate, befriend Matthias and protect him, you had volunteered eagerly. But Kaz had turned down your suggestion feeling something akin to terror of losing you to the darkness and cruelty of Hellgate but when he realized that there was no one else he could truly trust and that you were not backing down from this assignment, he had reluctantly sent you into Hellgate to spy on Matthias. Your absence had been absolutely maddening as the Slat felt cold and empty without you and he worried about your wellbeing in Hellgate. When the chance to break into the Ice Court had arrived, he had seized the opportunity to break you out along with Matthias. 

Kaz remembered when he had reunited with you after your year in Hellgate. You looked completely different, grown up as if you had lived through darkness and survived to tell the tale. But the kind twinkle in your pained eyes was still there as Kaz finally caught up with you and found himself smiling genuinely in relief as he had said “Can I get a free woman a drink?”

The grin you had given him reassured his heavy heart that despite the pain you had endured, you were still completely in sync with him as you said the words he had wanted to say “I missed you, Kaz Brekker.”

You had been by his side through the Ice Court Heist and watched him take down Pekka Rollins as he enjoyed his vengeance on the man who had destroyed his life.

Kaz remembered the aftermath of celebrations when they had overthrown Pekka Rollins and taken Ketterdam to themselves. He had stood with bruises that didn’t seem to hurt but felt victorious and triumphant as he heard Nina, Inej, Wylan, Matthias and you celebrate with Jesper who announced loudly to the Dregs.

“Alright everyone! Pekka Rollins is history, we are absolute legends and we can finally walk freely around Ketterdam!” exclaimed Jesper in an absolutely celebratory mood, feeling blissful as he looked at the Crows who were grinning madly “Who wants waffles?”

You had grinned at Jesper’s infectious mood but had approached Kaz who was staring out of the window at the view of Ketterdam as you looked at Kaz “Hey, you alright? You did it. You finally got your vengeance on Pekka Rollins. 

Kaz’ lips twitched into a small smile as relief and victory blossomed in his chest at his accomplishment and looked at you curiously because he knew if you didn’t have such faith and optimism, he couldn’t have done it “How do you do it Y/N? Keep hoping. Hope is dangerous and it clouds your judgement. And yet after everything you’ve gone through, after everything that happened, everything I did... how did you still manage to hope that it could all work out?”

You smiled gently as your eyes gleamed knowingly and sincerely as you looked at him softly “Because of you. You don’t realize it, Kaz... but you’re actually the most hopeful person I’ve ever met.”

Kaz’ eyes widened as his breath hitched at her unexpected words that he was completely taken aback by as he stared at you in disbelief and surprise seeing only the truth and kindness etched on your face as you said honestly “From the day you crawled out of that harbor having lost everything you ever loved, everyone assumed your place in the world was in the bottom as the weak and lonely, a boy who was defined by loss. But you wished for more. You dared to dream and hope as you worked to climb your way up and gain the power. You dared to hope to succeed in the craziest heists and became someone who everyone feared. You dared to hope to bring down the man who was responsible for your brother’s death.” 

Kaz felt breathless at how you saw him and you smiled at him brightly “Now it’s all over. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

Kaz’ lips curled into a soft smile as he looked at you hopefully “I guess in the end, there really is no end. Just new beginnings.” 

You had tended to his injuries patiently with tenderness and kindness he did not deserve. You had saved his life countless times from taking your first gunshot that was meant for him and committing your first murder as you killed a man in cold blood to protect him. 

You had stood by his side through every questionable decision and defended him when you disagreed with him. You had been loyal to him even when he had pushed you away and lashed out at you in a cruel manner. You weren’t afraid to pushing and telling him when he was wrong and cruel with the stubborn and fiery look in your eyes. You had seen his lawless demons and dangerous ghosts that haunted him but had understood him and helped him work through it. You had seen him as the darkest demon who was dangerous and cruel and yet loved the monster within him. You knew about how he struggled with touch from the very beginning but never questioned or mocked it but simply allowed Kaz to take it slow as he started it with simple fleeting brushing of shoulders to soft fingers interlocking with each other and holding hands to the feeling of being close to you without drowning in the waters. 

You were unlike any other woman he had ever met. 

Kaz sighed as he buried his head in his hands as he remembered when it all went wrong. He had an important mission that required him to retrieve information and steal a valuable documents from the vault hidden in a highly guarded mansion of one of the merchers in Ketterdam. The mercher had a reputation for throwing lavish parties to make connections and relationships so Kaz had decided to ask you to be his pretend wife so they could disguise themselves as guests and get into the vault. 

Kaz’s eyes had flickered toward you when you had entered into his office. He had pretended to be busy but the truth was you had a way of making him painfully aware of every breath you took and every smile you flashed as you brought a warm light into his cold life and he informed you of what he needed. You had grown completely silent and your smile had vanished slightly concerning Kaz who raised his eyebrows at you waiting for your answer.

“No.” you had replied curtly and crisply as you had looked away from Kaz. “Ask Inej or Nina. Or -”

“Y/N... I want you.” Kaz had replied softly as he had slipped out of his seat and stood in front of you “You and I work well together. We make a good team together. And you are the only one I trust for this.” 

His gloved fingers had brushed against yours as he looked deeply at you waiting for your answer and you had surprised him as you smiled at him warmly as red dust scattered on your cheeks and you replied “Ask me properly and I might say yes.”

Kaz had smiled genuinely as he watched you walk away. Later, you were working late into the night with him as both of you were looking through information on a mercher that Kaz wanted to rob. Both of you dug into boxes of information that you had found of books, letters, documents, and photographs of the mercher’s life. As Kaz and you sat side by side enjoying the comforting silence of the moment, and Kaz found a photograph of two lovers laughing on the porch of their old house. It felt hard to explain but in that photograph, he saw himself and you living that life.

You had looked over at him with a small smile as your eyes flickered at the photograph “They look very happy. They must have loved each other very much.”

Kaz looked at you and he felt time stand still as he couldn’t find the right words to describe how he felt in that moment with you as he felt breathless staring into your enchanting and warm eyes and finally broke the silence as he asked “Y/N, do you want to dance with me?”

You had blushed but your smile was answer enough as you had accepted his gloved hand. Kaz’ lips twitched into a smile as he felt your hand rest upon his gently and your other arm holding onto his shoulder gently as he ran his hand softly along your waist and placed it on the small of your back. His breath hitched as he looked at your tender and sweet eyes that twinkled brilliantly as both of you began to dance around the room to the slow and romantic music echoing from downstairs as the rain splattered outside. 

At first, Kaz hated that he was nervous and clumsy tripping over himself and stepping on your toes. He was the Bastard of the Barrel who had humiliated and overthrown Pekka Rollins and now ruled Ketterdam inspiring fear with intimidation and violence and yet he couldn’t properly dance with the girl he possibly liked. 

You had grinned brightly much to Kaz’ mortification at his mistakes as he stepped on your toes once again and you offered “Hey, do you want me to teach you how to do this so you don’t hurt me or possibly yourself?”

Kaz had flushed a bright red in mortification as he had nodded “Yes.”

“Hold your back straight. Now you will lead and I will follow. And now one, two, three...” you began softly with a tender and encouraging smile as you let Kaz guide you across the floor and much to his surprise as Kaz followed the gentle hum of your words, Kaz found himself dancing without causing you any grievous injuries. 

Kaz felt his breath hitch and his heart race as he danced with you smoothly and his eyes flickered down to ensure his feet were not going to hurt you when you instructed him gently “Look into my eyes. Dancing is seeing one another for who they really are, understanding and trusting each other. That’s why I love it.”

Kaz had looked into your eyes and had seen you who had always been there for him through thick and thin and had changed him in the most unimaginable ways as he murmured softly “I see you.”

You had sucked in a breath as your eyes had grown wide but you had smiled softly and joyfully “You dance incredibly.”

“All because I have a talented teacher.” replied Kaz smoothly with a soft smile as he spun you around as you chuckled. 

Kaz had never felt so light-hearted and happy as he spun you around and held you in his arms as both of danced perfectly together in harmony. Kaz knew it felt foolish to give in so easily to how he was feeling but in this moment, he didn’t care as light and humor danced in his eyes feeling weightless, all the burdens and worries he carried washed away as he held you in his arms as you glowed in happiness and laughter. 

Kaz felt free and weightless laughing in delight as you spun him around as you laughed in amusement, breaking rules of dancing but he didn’t care because he knew this moment with you was right and wanted this forever. He couldn’t let go of this perfect moment where the stars had aligned and everything felt just good to be true as Kaz spun you around and dipped you down, his hand supporting your back, stopping you from falling. You held onto his shoulder trusting him to hold you and never let you fall and break. Kaz pulled you up once as you held onto his gloved hand and his nose brushed against your forehead swaying to the soft and romantic song echoing through the Slat as both of you stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. 

“Y/N...” murmured Kaz as his eyes fluttered open, memorizing every inch of your face and committing you to memory afraid you would vanish if he let you go “Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth?” 

Your heart rate escalated through the roof and your eyes had widened in surprise as you stared at him in speechless amazement as he took out a ring that had a crow with a R engraved on it as he held your hand tightly in his “Marry me, Y/N and be my partner in crime for life.”

Kaz saw you chuckle and smile at him as you nodded “Yes. I’ll be your partner in crime for life, Kaz Brekker.”

“Kaz Rietvald.” confessed Kaz softly, his voice barely a whisper as he looked at you vulnerably “Kaz Rietvald is my real name. The name of the boy who came to Ketterdam with hopes of making it with his brother. The name of the boy who died in the harbor that day.”

You had looked at him with understanding and sincerity as he swallowed a lump of emotion and confessed “But when I’m with you... I feel like Kaz Rietvald once again. The boy who believed in magic and beauty of the world.”

“Kaz...” you had murmured as you looked at the ring that held great meaning for you now and then at Kaz with so much you wanted to say to him but he shook his head as he placed a soft and fleeting kiss on your hand. 

“Y/N...” he whispered as he slipped the ring onto your hand with his own trembling hands and then placed a sweet and tender kiss on your forehead “You are the reason.”

The reason that he was alive. The reason that he still felt alive. The reason that he looked forward to waking up every day. The reason that he paid attention to all the magical little things you did. The reason he felt worry whenever you were hurt and wounded. The reason that he dared to dream once again. 

From there on, Kaz had felt connected to you in a way that he hadn’t before. He had wanted to practice perfecting the image of pretending to be an engaged couple so he encouraged both of you to do little things that couples do. But it was easy to forget that Kaz was pretending when he hid sincere love notes inside your room, replaced the wilting flowers in your room with your favorite flowers and left little gifts for you. It was easy for Kaz to forget that you were not his to lose when he found little notes filled with jokes and small affirmations inside his files, his favorite books annotated with your thoughts and sentences highlighted that reminded you of him, flowers pressed to the pages.

It was easy to get lost in the act of being your husband when he exchanged knowing and lingering glances with you in secret, whenever he would feel the twisted dark feeling of jealousy when he saw any man look at you in the wrong way, when you bought coffee made exactly how he liked it in the mornings and when he was working late. It was easy to forget that you weren’t his lover when both of you worked late until night, your head resting on his lap as he ran his hand through your hair smiling down at you as you read your books, when he listened to you play the violin, when he shared meals with you and cuddled with you relishing the comfortable silence and teasing each other and confiding his secrets in you.

It was easy to forget that you were not his wife when he had seen you laughing in amusement, your eyes gleaming brightly and his lips had met yours passionately and tenderly as time stood still and his heart beat violently out of his ribcage when you had kissed him back with equal tenderness and desire. It was easy to forget that this was all just an act when he would indulge in the pleasure of nipping your earlobe and placing a trail of kisses from your cheek to your neck and collarbone taking his time to taste you and feel your body tremble underneath his touch. 

It was easy to forget it all because you were easy to fall in love with deeply and madly until it was too late for him to back out. 

When the day came for the party, he had dressed up and you appeared in front of him making him speechless as his eyes widened because you were a breathtaking sight to behold. You were wearing an off the shoulder satin long emerald green dress that hugged your curves perfectly. You were wearing simple pearl earrings, your hair braided into loose waves and your cheeks pink and your lips ruby red as you smiled at Kaz. 

Kaz had placed his hand on the small of your back as he guided you away and whispered into your ear “You look beautiful.”

You had blushed when you felt his lips brush against the nape of your neck as you squeezed his hand gently “You don’t look so bad yourself”

At the party, everyone was full of admiration for Kaz and you as a couple. Kaz and you socialized with the crowd of aristocrats, merchers and businessmen as you charmed them with your signature charisma that got enough information for Kaz. Though Kaz was not much of a social creature, he observed you morphing into the form that you needed to take in order to charm and lure your target into giving you what you wanted. 

As the time drew near for them to rob the vault, Kaz and you were talking with a few ladies and gentlemen who were very impressed with the both of you, the affectionate and loving couple and one woman had asked Kaz how he knew you were the one for him. 

Kaz had frozen at the question but his panic had disappeared as soon as it had come as he tightened his arm around your waist as he replied to his surprise with the truth of his heart “She makes me laugh. She’s smart, kind and funny and accepting of who I am. She’s truly the kind of woman who comes once in a lifetime. She’s beautiful and impossible. The way we got here was unexpected. But no matter how I think about it... we were meant to be. And the more time I spend with her, I know that I don’t want to lose her.”

Everyone cooed over the answer but you had frozen at Kaz’ answer as you looked at him in amazement and surprise but Kaz didn’t meet your eyes. The lady was insistent on knowing what you liked so much about Kaz that you knew you had to marry him. You wanted to hit that woman with the tray of champagne because she was putting you in a very awkward position at the moment. 

“He is... well, one night we were just gazing at the stars and talking when I looked over at him and it struck me that he is my closest friend. He’s awesome, intelligent, strong, brave and protects those who he cares about. How could I not want to be with him?” you had replied easily and sincerely with a tender and sweet smile shocking Kaz who had not expected such an answer that sounded terrifyingly real. 

Both of you had escaped the crowd and made it to the vault in time. You had distracted the guards while Kaz broke into the vault and took what he needed. Both of you were on the verge of an escape when both of you heard footsteps heading your way. Kaz had looked at you with desperation and desire as he had pushed you against the wall but before you could say anything, his lips were moving against yours passionately and fiercely, roughly and hungrily devouring you as his hands explored your body and sparks flew within him as you kissed him back with fierce passion and overwhelming emotion as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer toward you. 

Kaz couldn’t stop. He knew what he felt for you was a weakness. And if anything, you felt the same way about him too. And Kaz was secretly ecstatic that you felt the same way toward him. But Kaz had realized as he broke into the vault, he was a criminal. He was Kaz Brekker, the King of Ketterdam, the Bastard of the Barrel who had no weakness and who could not afford to love anyone. Kaz had realized the true harsh reality that he could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. He was not a man made for love. He was a monster created for chaos and cruelty. And you were weakening him, bringing his softer and vulnerable side that he had hidden from the world for so long. He couldn’t let it happen. As Kaz kissed you, he kissed you goodbye as he held you in his arms trying to keep you with him for a bit longer but he knew he had to end it before the world ended him. 

The guards who had been patrolling cleared their throats when they had seen you and Kaz and you had narrowly escaped their scrutiny and attention as a very handsy couple. When both of you had left the party, Kaz hardened his heart ignoring your pleasant conversation and then your inquiring questions. It didn’t take you long to notice this sudden change in Kaz who had grown cold and distant from you. 

“Kaz!” you had snapped as you shoved him getting his attention “What is wrong with you? What’s going on?”

“Y/N... I’m not your fucking husband, so stop nagging me!” snarled Kaz harshly, the softness in his eyes completely gone as he looked at you coldly “It’s over. We completed our mission. I got what I needed.”

Kaz started walking away because he didn’t want to see your fallen face when he heard your trembling voice speak up “Is that it?”

“Is that what? Did you think this was real? It was just a game... part of a mission.” replied Kaz coldly, his eyes flashing with harshness as he began to break the one thing he was falling in love with. 

“Don’t. Don’t you dare. I don’t believe you. I know you feel the same way I do, Kaz.” you had replied with a trembling and shaky voice that you tried to keep strong as you looked at him with a pained expression “You - please don’t do this. You can’t just do this to us and then run away from all these feelings because you are scared.”

“Scared? Y/N, I don’t love you. You are an investment to me.” replied Kaz cruelly and harshly shoving down the voice screaming that he was lying as he glared at you. “You are nothing to me!”

You remembered how safe you felt with Kaz and how he had always assured you that you belonged and had a home with him as you felt everything you thought you knew burn once again into ashes as your heart shattered into pieces at the words carelessly and brutally uttered by Kaz and you sucked a breath as you looked at him in disbelief and heartbreak “You don’t love me?”

Kaz answered with cold silence that rang loudly among both of you and he could hear your heart shattering into pieces and had to hold onto looking at how your once bright and happy face now fell into an expression of shocked disbelief and pained suffering as you tried to understand how your world could quickly fall apart. Kaz couldn’t bear to look at your pained expression any longer so he decided to walk away from you, to leave you alone and save himself from the pain. 

“I don’t believe you. Two hours ago, at that party, you wanted me. You were in love with me, Kaz. All these months, you made me believe we could share something special.” you called out, your voice shattered and hurt but there was a sliver of spite and anger in it that stopped him within his tracks as he closed his eyes and stiffened because he was losing you because this had to end “But we can never be that because you put yourself above everyone and within you is -”

 “Is what? A cold monstrous dark dead heart?” snapped Kaz clenching his jaw as he turned around to look at you with a dark and cold look in his eyes as he thought of how everything they had built up on a shaky ground was now falling apart “I thought you knew better by now. I don’t have a heart, Y/N.”

“Who knows? Because you never show anyone who you are!” you had spat out with tears in your eyes as you looked at Kaz with hurt and pain. “You aren’t letting me in, Kaz!”

“Nothing good comes from loving people! Everyone leaves in the end. I intend to live my life knowing that I have no weakness that my enemies will not exploit against me and knowing that I have no one who loves me mourning for me when I’m gone wishing every single moment that I would come back for them!” yelled Kaz fiercely, his eyes flashing with powerless reminiscence of a destroyed childhood and suffering that had made him monstrous as he looked at you knowing that he couldn’t afford to love you, not when he was weakened with you, not when he could never give you peace. 

“Well then, I love you! Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” you had screamed at him hysterically, tears rolling down your eyes as you felt nothing but piercing heartbreak and completely broken at how casually cruel and brutal he was being breaking you into pieces. 

Kaz’ breath hitched as he froze at your confession, his heart skipping a beat traitorously with hope and happiness but he collected himself reminding himself that both of you could never have a shot in the dark because he was too damaged to be loved by you as his lips curled into a cruel sneer “You disgust me! It’s too bad for you that I don’t love you. That you didn’t make the cut into my heart. Why would you do that to yourself?”

“You - you shouldn’t have let me in! You shouldn’t have made me feel safe with you! You shouldn’t have made me feel like I belong with you and the Dregs are my home!” you had snapped in unbearable pain that burned every inch of you as you gasped through a broken sob and looked at Kaz who looked so pretty like the devil through the tears as you slapped him “Because now it’s far too late!”

Kaz felt the sting of the slap but your words lashed across his heart more than the pain of the slap. He clenched his jaw as he felt his heart bleed in unbearable pain as he looked at you in hurt and wistfulness. He wanted to take back all his cruel words that broke you and crumpled you but he knew he couldn’t do that. 

And as Kaz looked at you, he wanted you more than anything in the world. More than all the kruge and the most beautiful paintings and precious jewels that he spent his life chasing to steal. Kaz was painfully aware of the aching desire he had to call you only his and to come home to your bright smile and tender heart every single day. Kaz wanted more than anything to hold your hand through life and death and to love you with all your scars and bruises and protect you from the rest of the world. Kaz had never felt this kind of powerful love and aching desire for anyone in his life, the kind that made him want to live each moment and love fearlessly. He wanted you so much that he was afraid that what he shared with you could bring him back to life as Kaz Rietvald or break him down.

Kaz loved you. Kaz had so much love inside him that he wanted to give you but he was terrified of how much you meant to him and what he would do to the world if you ever were hurt. As Kaz looked at the moonlight shining upon you, Kaz believed in Saints who had created the most perfect punishment fitting for him. For he was a monster, and it was only fitting for a monster never to hold and have what he loved the most in this world. 

Kaz felt you sense his reluctance and desire for you as you took his hand in yours and caressed his cheek gently as he was hypnotized by your tender eyes as he stared at the one that he loved and dreamed of as you softly and earnestly confessed “Kaz...I know you are scared. I’m terrified too. But I want you. I love you with all your flaws and scars, Kaz. Don’t give up on us. So let’s stop pretending and do this for real.”

Kaz’ breath hitched as he leaned toward you, drawn in like a moth to a flame. He could feel your breath fanning against his cheek as he inhaled in your intoxicating perfume and felt your hot skin against his lips that longed to kiss you. His eyes fluttered shut and his heart was racing inhumanely as his mind forgot to remind him that you were a bad idea. You were an addiction he couldn’t yet give up on and wanted more and more until he was completely satisfied. Kaz had an inkling he would always be wanting more of you as his hand held the nape of your neck wondering how something that was so rationally wrong could feel so perfectly right. 

He did not ask for this. He did not ask for you in his life. You were beautiful, intelligent, dynamic, wonderful and brighter than fireworks in the night sky. Kaz did not ask to be plagued by these feelings for you, to be driven to distraction every time you entered a room. 

“Say you want me like I want you maddeningly.” your voice whispered as your breath fanned his cheek, and Kaz couldn’t breath or think as he was lost in his storm of feelings for you as his lips lingered close enough toward yours eager to taste you.

But your words jolted him from this madness as he took a deep breath and stumbled back from you, realizing that he had been giving into his weaknesses and he breathed heavily trying to compose himself. What had he been thinking? What was he doing? This wasn’t fair and - this wasn’t right. Kaz ran his hand through his hair as he convinced himself that this wasn’t love, this was a distraction, a fleeting infatuation that would pass with time. You were not going to be his destruction. Kaz felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he convinced himself that he was not the one for you. You deserved someone better, someone who was not broken and damaged who would only bring you down. 

“I don’t love you. You were a pleasant distraction from my work.” replied Kaz firmly and coldly as his heart cried out at the lie but he knew it had to be done as he looked you in the eye “This isn’t a fairytale, Y/N. I am your employer and you are my Dreg. So stop being delusional and be what I need you to be and do what I need you to do.”

Then it had taken everything in Kaz to walk away leaving you alone in the dark, the masterpiece of what they had torn apart as you felt alone, tears of heartbreak and pain running down your cheeks. 

It hadn’t taken long for everyone else to notice what had gone wrong between you and Kaz. Both of you had been inseparable, never one without another and now both of you were distant and apart. Kaz kept his distance coldly and cruelly from you refusing to listen and talk to you as you tried to fight for them again and again and the brightness in your eyes began to fade away slowly as you wondered where you had gone wrong as you sat in the dark choking on your sobs dying inside of pain and heartbreak. 

Kaz didn’t know that you were trying to hold onto him as you stayed in your room. After a while, you stopped coming to see Kaz but your presence lingered with him as he heard you play the violin, vulnerable, soft and sad, melancholy heart tugging and heart breaking melodies that would float through the Slat down to the streets. The melodies you played were piercingly agonizing, beautifully emotional and reminded Kaz every single moment of the memories he had shared with you, the unconditional joy he had felt in your presence and now the sorrow that ached within him at your absence as tears sprung into his eyes. He wasn’t the only one affected by your emotional performances. One of the most toughest Dregs who was violent had burst into tears when he had heard you performing a heartbreaking farewell song. 

One day, Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer as he quietly walked toward your room as his eyes fell on you facing the window playing an achingly sad and sweet melody that touched Kaz’ cold heart feeling that your melody was a breathtaking story that never got a happy ending. 

“Is it a sad song?” asked Kaz softly as he lingered at the door, his eyes full of sadness and curiosity when you had finished playing and he noted that you didn’t look surprised at his presence. 

“Nothing is sad until its over. Then everything is.” you replied quietly and contemplatively, your eyes full of grief and heartbreak as you looked at him with a sliver of hope in your heart. 

Kaz had felt a lump of emotion swell up in his throat as he tried to speak but he was too lost in your eyes that mirrored how he felt and you took a step toward him “Kaz... I just wanted to say -”

“Y/N - I just came to say it’s enough.” said Kaz clearing his throat and taking hold of himself as he took on the coldness and harshness against you who looked slightly confused “Enough of your melancholy whining and playing the violin! It’s a headache and distracting all of us from doing important things.”

Kaz had watched you freeze in shock at his order, your eyes burning bright in disbelief and hurt and Kaz knew it that you loved playing on your violin. Your violin was the most precious possession in the world to you and you would never give up your violin to save yourself. You loved playing music on your violin more than anything in the world and to hear Kaz order you to stop playing the violin was an equivalent to ordering you drown yourself and kill yourself. 

The despair and grief in your eyes flashed into cold anger as you gripped your violin protectively “You once looked me in the eyes and told me that you would be by my side until the end. But it’s wonderful to see that you are okay being a liar who wants everything to revolve around you. I guess my pain - the pain you caused is such an imposition to you.”

“Y/N... I’m sick of you! So please stop playing the violin! If you so much as play a note on that stupid thing, I will burn it!” exclaimed Kaz who had felt anger that derived out of guilt and self - loathing as he glared at you with lightning in his eyes. 

Kaz saw you were paralyzed with shock at his cruel words that he suddenly regretted as he looked at your grief-stricken expression but he didn’t want to stay and dwell on it as he turned away but as he took a few steps away from you, he heard you say in disappointment and sadness “I thought you might be different than the rest of the monsters in this world. But I guess you are all the same.”

Kaz had frozen but before his anger could get the best of him, he had marched to his office. You had looked down at the streets of Ketterdam that were haunted by your father who had come before you, your brother who you had lost to the cruelty of this city and the one person you had always felt like you belonged in this godforsaken city had abandoned you making you feel unspeakably lonely and terrified, unbearably heartbroken and hurt. You had been the phoenix in this city rising from the ashes every single time they burned you but you were getting tired of rising and fighting like it was nothing. Kaz had dealt the final blow. 

When Nina had offered to take you with her, you had not hesitated. Kaz had been surprised that you had accepted and something in him wanted to stop you from leaving to Ravka. But he stayed silent as you packed your bags and left for Ravka with Nina without saying goodbye to him as he had the deadly sinking feeling that he was losing you. 

Kaz had expected that he wouldn’t miss you at all. After all, it was good that you were far away from him as possible and it would give him time to move from this disaster. But the air was thick with loss and indecision as he realized the truth of the saying that you never knew what you had until it was gone. Kaz had thought your absence would only satisfy him and give him the satisfaction that he was right all along.

But Kaz had been completely, utterly, tragically wrong. 

Because after you had left, everything seemed empty and wrong to Kaz. Your absence could be felt in every single vein in Kaz’ body and your absence taunted him as he felt the little things about your presence in his life. His office that had once been full of light and warmth, a place of shelter from the cruelty of the world where he shared sacred moments of sincere smiles and easy conversations with you had now become cold and dark, empty of your vivid intelligence and easy laughter that lit it up as Kaz stared frozen at the blueprints, maps, documents, contracts that didn’t make any sense to him any longer. Your scent of sharp jasmine and comforting pages of books lingered on his pillow that he buried his head into every night trying to hold onto you as he missed you terribly. Kaz missed your incredible intelligence and imagination that saw the world through different eyes and observed things that everyone else missed. Kaz felt your absence ache terribly at the lack of beautiful, magical and lovely music that you would play on your violin during the most random and inconvenient times of the day when you needed to think. Kaz missed the little things from the little soft and knowing smile you had reserved only for him, the midnight conversations that made them smile and cry, the afternoons you would come back from your favorite café to share coffee and pastries with him, your furrowed brow when you were focused on sketching, and the playfulness and childlike innocence you exuded brightening his life. 

Kaz couldn’t bear your absence that echoed in this godforsaken city of Ketterdam. Ketterdam, the city that used to be a reminder of Jordie was now driving Kaz mad by screaming your name everywhere Kaz went. Kaz couldn’t walk past and live in this city of blood that was now haunted by you as he was reminded of you in each place from your room that used to be scattered with papers, books and boards that were marked with ongoing investigations but now was empty of activity, the marketplace you frequented bargaining with the vendors driving them to despair, the bookshops in the University District you lingered in for long hours, the Crow Club where you laughed and drank with the Crows sharing intimate and secret glances with Kaz, the library where you loved to read losing track of time, the waffle house where you and Nina loved to eat waffles, the hot chocolate stand where you and Kaz would always buy and drink hot chocolate after a heist or a job or whenever they passed it by, the crowded canals where you liked to sit and sketch landscapes of Ketterdam, the harbor shore where you liked to run into the sea and jump around in the waves childishly and freely and the bar your friend Steve owned where Kaz had first met you. 

Your seat at the table was empty and no one in the Dregs dared to sit on it. Everyone in the Dregs missed you too. Jesper didn’t frequent the Slat often and when he did was restless and anxious, Wylan was quiet and thoughtful as he worked on his bombs but when something went wrong, he would be frustrated and once snapped in anger at one of the innocent newly recruited Dregs because no one else except you understood him and his love for inventions. Inej prayed daily to her Saints to keep you and Nina safe, posted letters all the Crows and the Dregs wrote to you, sent you little trinkets, and tidied your room replacing the wilted flowers and arranging it. Matthias would try to raise everyone’s spirits as he reminisced of good times with you making everyone smile and laugh and encouraging the Dregs to keep going but inside he was worried for your wellbeing since you were the first friend he had from Hellgate until now. 

Kaz also was subjected to high sass levels of incredibly frustrated and angry intelligent, skilled and protective teenagers and your friends in the Dregs who were first seen by you and touched by your kindness to them in the streets and were forever in your debt for giving them a home and a purpose. This was the worst punishment yet for hurting you and he wished that he had never done anything to you because the revenge from the kids and friends in the Dregs who loved you was worse than any humiliation he had been subjected to. 

He had once come down in the morning to get coffee but the last of the coffee was taken by the dark haired, sassy kid called Hari who had marched into the kitchen completely covered in blood as he held an axe and glared at Kaz as he marched away with the jug of coffee, never letting Kaz get coffee at any given moment. The red head named Betty who was completely mad at Kaz had arranged to deliver the most distasteful cakes that tasted horrible to him every single day with the most hurtful and imaginative sayings on the top ranging from ‘IT’S GARBAGE DAY. CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE A WHOLE DAY DEDICATED TO YOU’, ‘SORRY YOU ARE SUCH A HATEFUL BITCH’, ‘YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A JOKE’, and a cake with a middle finger on it that said ‘YOUR LOSS’. There were three kids named Tony, Sabrina and James who helped you with your investigations and whenever Kaz ordered them to do anything, they would defy him sassily by shrugging him off and not taking him seriously. There were two twins named Rob and Hal who pranked Kaz every single day after he had broken your heart, nearly driving Kaz crazy but Kaz could never trace the prank back to them but Kaz knew it was them when they smirked in amusement whenever they saw Kaz covered with glitter and pink confetti or Kaz’ hair completely blonde and purple. The curly haired boy named Joe who you had given all your waffles to on that terribly hungry day would replace Kaz’ gloves with brightly colored, crazily patterned leather gloves, hide Kaz’ documents in places where Kaz couldn’t find them, replace Kaz’ coats with bright and colorful coats, redecorate Kaz’ cane into silly shapes and replaced Kaz’ perfume with a spray that made Kaz smell like rotten eggs for days. A medik you trusted and had taken into the Dregs named Hungyun would sharpen his blades and recite facts about surgeries and how to dispose of a body whenever Kaz passed him by so Kaz avoided him all together.

Matthias who had noticed Jesper’s restlessness, Wylan’s frustration, Inej’s worry and the Dregs’ sass had gathered them for a project to cheer you up by making an album about how much you meant to them and soon all of them enthusiastically joined in the creative venture. The only thing that calmed all the Dregs and Crows from starting a revolution was your letters to them that kept them happy that you were doing fine. 

Kaz received your letters and he read them the moment he received them. You wrote so beautifully about Ravka and how it was so different to Ketterdam. Every letter was a piece of you that he clung onto as he read it over and over again, tracing your elegant yet messy handwriting full of enthusiasm and sadness as you described everything in vivid detail, put down your own thoughts and confessed how much you missed him and couldn’t forget him no matter how hard you tried. Kaz tried to write back but every time he tried to write, words failed him as emotions overwhelmed him because he didn’t know where to start and he knew if he wrote back and really confronted how he felt, he would be giving into weakness. He couldn’t afford to be weak. So he wrote the letters he wanted to write to you secretly and locked it away and read your letters over and over again never sending you a response hoping that in time you would forget him. 

But the thought of losing you terrified him. Because that was kind of heartbreak time could never mend. Kaz could never feel this kind of love for anyone again and though he was adamant in holding onto strength of not giving into his weakness, he never wanted you to leave him for another because it petrified and terrified him. He could never walk the streets of Ketterdam again if you were not by his side. 

Kaz knew he had to do something when he dreamed of you and started seeing visions of you in broad daylight. The first time Kaz had seen you in broad daylight was when he was supervising the Crow Club and he had seen you laughing in the Crow Club and you winked at him with that charming and knowing manner that always made him blush and his eyes widened in wonder and disbelief because he couldn’t believe you had come back so soon but then you vanished. Kaz had blinked in confusion realizing that he had hallucinated you but that was just the beginning. When Kaz had been walking down the street, he had heard you call out his name cheerfully and his heart had soared in traitorous hope as he swerved to look in the direction where he heard your voice and saw that it was you with your sweet disposition and bright eyes running toward him with wind in your hair and his knees had almost given out but then the vision of you disappeared as a girl ran past him to hug her lover behind him. Kaz tried to shut you out but you were impossible. You were in his head and you didn’t leave. He saw you sitting in his office looking at him in disappointment and anger, tears of sadness rolling down your cheeks as you begged him to love you. 

Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer. Kaz didn’t care how long Nina had said she would be gone with you. Kaz needed you with him. Kaz wanted you with him because he couldn’t live without you since this was hell. Kaz pulled out a new paper and wrote a letter to you ordering you to come back home to him because he couldn’t live like this any longer. He hoped that once you got the letter, you would not hesitate to come back. 

After all Ketterdam was your home. Ketterdam was where you belonged. Ketterdam was where he was. There was nothing special tying you to Ravka. 

As Kaz sent the letter, he looked at the sun setting down on the horizon and muttered with all the sincerity and piercing agony in his heart as he remembered the rare masterpiece he shared with you, remembered you all too well “I miss you, Y/N. Come back to me.”

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#six of crows #shadow and bone #six of crows x reader #six of crows x y/n #six of crows x you #shadow and bone x reader #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov x yn #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x fem!reader #nina zenik #matthias helvar #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #wylan van sunshine #zoya nazyalensky #genya safin #david kostyk #tolya and tamar #soc #six of crows fic #nikolai lantsov fic #kaz brekker fic #Grishaverse

[lovebyvenus]

🕯💌felt like writing about the venus signs today bbyss

Cancer Venus: religious love in the lana del rey type of way, cherries and that one wedding dress at the thrift store that someone loved intensely but you know it could only be worn once with the same meaning, keeping you from buying the it. You wonder why it ended up here, why it wasn’t passed from generation to generation. Cancer venus is about emotional devotion, falling in love with the divine. You’re my religion. Regret and lingering.

Virgo Venus : Physical servitude. Take my body, take my hands, it’s all yours. Wanting to climb mountains, wanting to materially do it all for them. The last plum hanging from the tree in October, the one that seems to be scared of hitting the ground and never feeling the same again. Lists and scratches, being obsessed by a mythical ideal you’ll never reach.

Scorpio Venus : Possession, wanting to kill the person you’re in love with. Limerence. Burning letters and burying affection deep within the folds of your chest. These old leather boots you find at the thrift store, only you know they won’t be as faithful to you as they were to the previous owner. I could never tell the difference between affection and hatred

Aquarius Venus : understanding the concepts of duality and completion better than others. Understanding that the loved one is not a prolongation of yourself. Running away together, faithfulness and ear kisses. Tattoos, escapism. Delayed affection and sudden boredom. How do I not lose my sense of identity in all this

Capricorn Venus : Leather, power play and temporal devotion. Vintage clothes at the thrift store that are perfectly preserved and still smell like cigarettes. Saturn making you go through hardships in love and you going through it all bravely, you’ve seen it all before anyways. The ability to foresee the better during stormy times. Every lover is a lesson i haven’t learned yet

Libra Venus : Angels. Love that sounds like an empty Opera. You wonder why Venus has gifted you with the ability to understand love as an absolute, in a deeper way than other placements yet, something is missing. Theoretical love. Vanity and jewelry boxes. Summer flings, having multiple suitors, misconducting each and every one of them. Love that feels like seasons passing, in love with Love and Venus. Mental stimulation, mind games, subtle flirt. Loving being loved. Would I fall for you if I didn’t see my reflection in your eyes ?

Gemini Venus : Hand kisses, rings, playlists. Writing the portrait of your lover, learning their mannerism. Boredom, bliss and ecstasy. That children book at the thrift store you had forgotten about. For a split second, you feel young again and hesitate purchasing it just for the reminiscence. Having multiple love interests, having a hard time keeping up with texting. Always being the one who leaves, people never understanding what kind of heartbreak it represents as well. It only takes an intonation, a subtle movement of the hand for me to become your lover.

Leo Venus : warmth, traveling west when the sun is setting down. Picture boxes, wearing your heart on your sleeve, spiritual devotion. Intention, impulse and high school crushes. Trust issues, insecurities. That one furry coat at the thrift store that seems to stand out, you wonder what kind of extra weirdo decided to stop wearing it. Cheerleaders and 60s heartthrobs. Rnb type of love, the one that is so sweet and warm, it almost a burns but you’re left delighted with the taste of candy. It’s harder to turn that love into self acceptance

Taurus Venus : Paul Anka, slow kisses and necklaces. Skin to skin contact, the same kind of devotion you would give to a growing plant in your room. Doe eyes, heart shaped boxes and slow burn love. Sunburns and freckles. Possessive thoughts, maturing together. Love ends with death or a heartbreak. Sometimes love is not a feeling but an action and you guys understand this a lot. Commitment, late supper in downtown restaurants. Feels like I was put on this earth to worship your body and you to adore mine.

Aries Venus : bites, blood and rage. Fist fighting all the rivals but in your head only. Freckles, sunrises when haven’t slept. A LOT of sexual drive, stamina, working their body on yours, short breaths. Possessiveness and being territorial. Shades of orange, pushing limits, ultraviolence. “Take a bow” from Muse. Rashes, blushing, frustration. Dating is like hunting, healthy competition and high school crushes. Love is the desire to experience everything together, to be witnesses of each other’s accomplishments.

Pisces Venus : Pain and pleasure kinkily mixing together. Satisfaction in being heartbroken, you really can feel that tiny sense of being alive during a heartbreak am i right ? BDSM. Churches, sleeping with your partner as an act of true love. Sharing dreams and nightmares. Connecting in other realms during sex. Pure devotion, melting in each other’s eyes. Prone to Illusions and Fantasies. Being in love with fictional characters. The complicated relationship between a knight and their queen/king. 60s dreamy music, makeup and interior design. Taking substances together, Sometimes I’m scared my affection towards your every move turns into an addiction.

Sagittarius Venus : open relationships, foreign partners, hookups, tinder. Walking barefoot in the parc with your lover. Mysticism, cults, frolic love. Date night at the library, I bet your first love was some kind of teacher. In love with higher education, freedom. Feeling overwhelmed or trapped all the time. Running away together, adrenaline, concerts, connecting through sharing theoretical ideas, conversing. Loving too much, being too generous, expansion.That Simone de Beauvoir and Sartre type of love. You can go anywhere, to anyone in this world and i will still know you’re mine in the end.

#astrology #venus #venus signs #scorpio venus #gemini venus #aries venus #zodiac #taurus venus #cancer venus #leo venus #virgo venus #libra venus #sagittarius venus #pisces venus #capricorn venus #aquarius venus #astronotes

[chibifox2002]

Little Spec of Seafoam

IT TOOK ME SEVEN HOURS TO WRITE THIS!!!

(note: I'm not good at grammar and stuff, so this might be typed weird. But regardless I hope y'all enjoy my attempt at writing)

((also I might end up writing BPC ooc because I'm still learning about the characters and their personalities so I apologize in advance. I'm solely going off of the vibes I got from her in cosmicwhoreo's posts 😅))

Fic under cut 👇👇👇

...

She had done it.

She didn't know how. But she'd done it.

Seafoam Cookie used those damn sea bandit's tricks against them, lit every single batch of dynamite they had (for some reason) and sunk their ship. Blew it into smithereens and, from the looks of it, left not a thing nor living being intact. They weren't gonna take her things without facing the consciences.

She didn't care about the sea they were all near either, she'd rather deal with the legendary sea witch than some pathetic land cookies.

As Seafoam Cookie looked around, she saw bits and chunks of the ship she had just sunk slowly sink around her like snowflakes during a snowstorm.

"Dang... I really did some damage..."

She wondered how she was able to breathe and speak, and then wondered how deep she had already sunk. It was surprisingly difficult for her to tell at that moment...

Then she heard something.

The sound of something... big, swimming by her.

Seafoam had looked down towards the dark depths, when a pair of giant piercing blue eyes appeared in the dark. Then the eyes began moving up, the sunshine leaking from the surface revealing a familiar looking pearl and crown from the stories she had overheard throughout her wandering...

The legendary sea witch, Black Pearl Cookie, was there before her. Her hands on her hips, and a puzzled, yet angered look on her face.

Seafoam Cookie froze, her stomach dropping.

"And what do we have here...?"

She spoke in an intimidating tone.

"It seems that this little thing has lost her little crew~..."

Seafoam paused.

Oh heck no.

If she's going down, she REFUSED to be thrown in the same group as those... t-those... TRASHY LAND COOKIES!

"OH HECK NO!"

Black Pearl jumped slightly at the sudden shout.

"I AIN'T AFFILIATED WITH THOSE PATHETIC EXCUSES OF LAND COOKIES! I'D RATHER BE GROUPED WITH ACTUAL TRASH!"

Black Pearl was absolutely baffled. "But... You're a land cookie as well..." she said, confused.

"Pfft- Please! At least I KNOW I'm trash!" Seafoam replied with a puff. "Some of those guys act like they're rulers of the world or something! Taking what they want, saying what they want, HURTING WHO THEY WANT! It ticks me off!" Seafoam ranted.

"The only reason I was on their ship in the first place was because they took my bag with all my stuff in it! AND NOW IT'S GONE!..." She fell silent, crossing her arms, angry that she couldn't get what was hers back. She could feel tears trying to escape her eyes, despite being underwater.

Black Pearl was silent. Looking at the girl as a sense of deja vu crept up her back.

This small girl... This land cookie... She shared the same anger as her. The same feeling of betrayal in her heart... and judging by the clear hatred she had for her own kind, she beared a similar, if not the same, heartbreak as the sea witch as well...

She thought for a bit... Then acted.

She brought a hand up to cup the child in, keeping her from sinking further, and brought her closer to her face. Noticing that she had a similar looking blue right eye as herself, and that her left eye was nothing more than an unfixable hole on her head with two nasty looking scars going down her cheek and ending close to her mouth.

Something about that angered her... For some reason...

"Well, normally I wouldn't do something like this... But it seems that you share some of the same feelings as I do." Black Pearl began to swim towards the sea's surface as she spoke.

"So it would be rude of me to do with you as I do the others."

Seafoam Cookie looked at the giant sea woman as she spoke, remembering the tales she'd overheard. About how apparently someone had stolen something from her as well. She always wondered what it was that was taken from her... She was almost tempted to ask, but decided against it due to just meeting the mermaid. She herself wouldn't share that information with someone she'd just met after all, so why would Black Pearl?

She was brought back from her deep thought at the sound mermaid's voice.

"I've decided to let you go with your life." Black Pearl said calmly. "Call this a foolish decision, but I assume you will not speak of this moment to anyone else, yes?"

"You have my word on that!" Seafoam responded. "I doubt anyone would believe a "street urchin" like me anyways." She continued, making heavy quotation marks with her hands at the childish yet cruel title some of the most ignorant adult cookies had given her.

Black Pearl hummed. "Well, regardless of what those fools think about you, I want you to live proudly with the fact that not only did you face the vicious sovereign of the Duskgloom Sea and leave with your life intact, but you have also impressed her with the amount of destruction you have caused to that pesky ship that had trespassed into my waters! Why... I have never seen such a small cookie reduce a ship of that size into nothing but boards and splinters before!"

Seafoam smiled and scratched the back of her head in embarrassment, not used to being praised or complemented. "Ah jeez... Thank you, your highness!... Uh... That's the correct way to address you, right?"

"It'll do, child..."

....

After what felt like mere seconds later, Seafoam Cookie was floating away towards the land where she came from on a spare wooden chunk from the destroyed ship, made into a makeshift boat with a sail, oars and all.

She was still confused about the reason why Lady Black Pearl decided to spare her, but she wasn't complaining. Especially since it turned out to be the most pleasant conversation she's had with another being in a while!

As she rowed, she admired the sky. It was sunset now, the stars just started to peek out from the remaining sunlight that was in the sky. The sounds of the ocean's gentle waves starting to lull the girl into drowsiness. She'll keep this day's events close to her heart, despite the fact that it started rather violently.

She looked towards the boat that the mermaid made for her, it wasn't the best craftsmanship she's seen, clearly only used to destroying ships and boats than making them, but it kept her afloat and was making the trip back to land easier. That's all that mattered to her.

Seafoam then put the oars up into the boat and set the sail up, deciding to rest her arms and maybe even get some sleep.

She decided to rest against the sail's mast to sleep. As she sat there, her eyes began to close slowly. Her eyelids feeling like they were being weighed down by anchors.

Before she could succumb to slumber, she noticed something underneath the plank bench she was sitting on.

...Was that...?

No... It couldn't be...

...Right?

She crawled over to the bench and grabbed the object from underneath it...

It was a bag... Her bag.

She undid the latches and flew open the flap and...

It was all there. Everything she had... From her strange trinkets to her precious crafting supplies. The medical kit, the shells she liked, even her hair brush. It was all there.

She couldn't believe it. Did Lady Black Pearl do this? She was the one who made the boat after all. Had she somehow saved her bag and snuck it in while Seafoam was waiting for the boat's completion?

She couldn't keep it in anymore, the intense emotions flooded her entire body, and she cried.

Cried from being treated as an equal instead of a disgusting pest. Internally thanking the mermaid for returning her things and treating her as if she mattered.

She silently hoped she'd encounter her again soon.

She slumped back against the mast and continued to gently cry until she sniffled herself to sleep, feeling happy.

....

Black Pearl Cookie was laid against the large, smooth rock she used as a bed, looking at all the wrecked ships surrounding her. She was proud of this "little" collection she had. Each one served as a symbol of what would become of those who dared enter her seas. No hesitation. No mercy.

... Except for one...

She turned her head towards another rock. One that had a decent sized area jutting from the side of it, perfect to use as a shelf for her more, precious treasures.

Upon it rested a chest where she kept those treasures, and that was normally the only thing there.

But now?

There was something else beside it. Something she took from the little land cookie's bag, and placed it inside something to prevent it from floating away...

An art piece.

An art piece that was made by the girl... Seafoam Cookie, that was the name that was carved into the back... A fitting name, given her seafoam like hair.

It was a wood carving of her, looking as beautiful and powerful as the real deal. With waves crashing and a storm above her head. It was clear that a lot of time and passion had gone into this little thing.

Black Pearl wasn't sure if Seafoam Cookie had intended on giving this to someone, but if so, they could deal with it. She deemed that this was worthy enough to be in her possession along with her treasures.

As to why she decided to place it there? No reason to ponder over. It simply had plenty of space, and it was nice to have something new there.

Black Pearl looked up towards the surface of the sea, the sunlight no longer peeking through due to the time, and thought about that little girl. As she did, she began to wonder what kind of person she'd become. She wasn't sure why she was thinking about this, considering she doesn't do the whole "fondness" thing with people.

"Such a strange little spec of seafoam..." She thought to herself.

"Perhaps I should keep an eye on that little one..."

#cookie run kingdom #legend of the duskgloom sea #black pearl cookie #cookie run oc #seafoam cookie #my character(s) #my design(s) #my art #chibi's attempt at writing #my attempt at writing

[bbgnyx]

hiya! thought i’d send in my song req!!

song name: cigarette duet by princess chelsea!

pairing: any skz member or even ot8 x fem reader?

description: reader has been smoking for a while and the boys find out? they’re mad at her for smoking and they stop talking to her.. she disappears and they think it’s their fault but she is secretly in rehab trying to quit smoking?

an: hey anon sorry its so late!! hope you like it!

pairing:!ot8 x fem!reader

Standing on the balcony, you inhaled the smoke from your cigarette, mesmerized by the moon's radiant glow illuminating the night sky. Despite being aware of the health risks, smoking provided you with a temporary escape from reality. The swirling smoke filled your lungs, creating a euphoric sensation within you. Lost in your own world, you failed to hear Minho calling out to you. Startled, you quickly hid the cigarette behind your back, knowing that your friends would be furious if they discovered your secret habit.

Minho, sensing that something was amiss, approached you with tired eyes. "Is that you, y/n?" he whispered, raising an eyebrow. Nervously, you fidgeted with your hands as you replied, "I was just enjoying the night sky, nothing much." However, Minho saw through your facade and swiftly uncovered your hands, revealing the cigarette. Shocked, he looked at you with wide eyes, his disappointment evident. Unable to find the right words, you turned away and hurried back to your room, feeling weak under his gaze.

The next morning, it came as no surprise when the rest of the boys discovered your secret. They all stared at you, waiting for an explanation. Felix, holding your hand, expressed his disbelief, causing you to break down, unable to find the words to justify your actions to your closest friends, who had been by your side since childhood.

They were like the older brothers you never had, and that's what made this situation even more heartbreaking. "You could have confided in us about anything you were going through, you know we're here to support you," Chan said, his eyes filled with genuine concern. You felt a wave of shame for lying to them, but you felt like you had no other choice.

"I-I couldn't tell you guys because I knew you wouldn't agree,” you said, your head hanging low. Hyunjin let out a sigh, "Of course not, why would we ever agree to something that could harm you, y/n? But that's exactly why you should have told us, we could have helped you find the right path." They all looked hurt to realize that you were keeping something so significant from them. You felt guilty too. They had always been there for you, through thick and thin, and now you were betraying their trust.

The rest of the day passed in silence as the boys gave you the cold shoulder. It made you sad, but you understood why they didn't want to talk to you. You had hurt their feelings by keeping such a big secret. They blatantly ignored you, and it made your stomach churn, but there was nothing you could do about it. This continued for the next week as well. You tried to reach out to them, but they refused to respond. Countless nights were spent crying yourself to sleep, wondering if it was worth losing your best friends over this.

Then, one day, you realized that you needed to break free from your addiction and mend things with the boys. So, you packed your belongings and left home... for rehab. You didn't tell the boys because you didn't want to burden them any further, so you quietly left early one morning.

"Hey, have any of you seen y/n?" Binnie asked as he returned from the gym. "No, I haven't. She's probably still asleep," Chan replied, not paying much attention since you were known to be a heavy sleeper in the mornings. It wasn't until after they finished breakfast that they realized you were missing. They searched the entire house but couldn't find you.

They even asked your neighbors if they had seen you, but no one had any information. Panic started to set in as they realized you were nowhere to be found. They called your phone repeatedly, but it went straight to voicemail. Worried sick, they began to fear the worst.

Days turned into weeks, and still, there was no sign of you. The boys were consumed by guilt and regret. They blamed themselves for not being there for you when you needed them the most. They couldn't bear the thought of losing you, their dear friend. Then, one fateful day, a letter arrived at their doorstep. It was from you. In the letter, you poured your heart out, explaining your struggles and your decision to seek help. You apologized for keeping it a secret and expressed your deep gratitude for their friendship.

Tears streamed down their faces as they read your words. They realized that they had been too quick to judge and had failed to see the pain you were going through. They felt a mix of relief and hope knowing that you were taking the necessary steps towards recovery. Without hesitation, they rallied together and decided to support you every step of the way. They researched rehab centers, made phone calls, and even visited you during visiting hours. They wanted you to know that they were there for you, no matter what.

As you went through your journey of healing, the boys became your pillars of strength. They attended therapy sessions with you, learned about addiction, and helped you in every way. They were determined to make amends and rebuild the trust that had been broken. Months passed, and you finally completed your rehab program. You were a changed person, stronger and more resilient than ever before. The boys were there to welcome you back with open arms, tears of joy streaming down their faces.

From that day forward, your bond with the boys grew even stronger. You realized that true friendship was not about hiding your struggles but about being vulnerable and allowing others to support you. Together, you faced life's challenges head-on, knowing that you had a group of friends who would always be there for you.

taglist:

@straykidsholicleigh @luvyev @kpopsmut2023 @ihrtlix

#straykids #skz #hyunjin #popular #best #felix #changbin #seungmin #han jisung #stray kids #stray kids smut #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fluff #lee know #jeongin #skz hyunjin #skz x reader #skz smut #skz imagines #skz fluff #bang chan #skz angst #stray kids x reader #stray kids imagines #stray kids drabbles #stray kids angst #stray kids x you #stray kids imagine #neverendingdreams

[luvhughes43]

nostalgia | trevor zegras x reader

suki waterhouse masterlist

part two

summary: y/n and trevor broke up as trevor had to leave her to play hockey in cali, since trevor did not want to do long distance. y/n thinks back to their relationship, the good and the bad, and thinks about how she wishes she could still be with trevor.

lyrics: "I talk about the past like i talk about you, i leave out every little thing that i dont like remembering" and "i miss you more than i say i do, you had to follow all your dreams, just wish that they included me"

word count: 0.8k

posted 3 years ago

y/nuser 

liked by trevorzegras, jackhughes, and others

y/nuser z baby

it wasn't that uncommon for people to ask you about your relationship with trevor. You’d be out at a sports bar with a few friends when Z's picture, or a highlight of his, would come on to the screen. Didn’t you two used to date? What was it like dating a hockey player? Is he a good person? Were all questions thrown your way. You usually just nodded or pretended you couldn't hear them. When you did feel nostalgia, and felt the need to talk, usually after multiple drinks but who was keeping track? you always made sure to tell everyone the happiest stories, the funniest jokes. You didn't like remembering the breakup and heartache. It was a long night of questions.

You escaped to the bar, dark blue light hitting off your face as you waited for the bartender to pass over your drink. you felt somebody nudge your shoulder, and you turned to find a girl around your age smiling at you. “Hey so i heard that you and Trevor Zegras used to-” 

You turned back to the bar just as the bartender took somebody else’s order a few spots away. Your drink was set in front of you and you were glad for the distraction, quickly downing it. “So like I was just wondering if you knew his type or… like had his number or something?” she continued on, clearly not getting the hint that you weren’t interested in the conversation.

“No i don't know him” you snapped as you pushed yourself up off your barstool and onto the crowded walkway. You shoved passed the blonde who scoffed loudly at you, and made your way to your friend. 

“I’m going to head out” you shouted over the ESPN theme and the shouts of sports fans. Your friend turned her head towards you, she bit her lip, and you could sense the pity coming off her in waves. “Is this about trevor? Sweetie, I thought you said you guys had a great relationship? There’s nothing for you to be sad about” her voice was like honey as she trailed her hand from your shoulder down to your wrist. She held onto your hand for a second before dropping it. 

You hadn’t told her how much you missed him, or the heartbreak you went through because of everything that happened. 

You tried to give Vanessa a reassuring smile, “Vanessa, I'm fine it's just too crowded in here”

“Okay well I don't want you to become a hermit or anything” she turned towards the guy she was after and gave an obnoxious fake laugh. You chuckled just to satisfy Vanessa before you turned quickly on your heel and made it the hell out of the building. 

Posted 2 year ago

y/nuser

Liked by trevorzegras, _alexturcotte, and others

y/nuser lake day🌞

tagged: trevorzegras

Baby! Come here! Trevor shouted down from the docks. 

I'm coming, I'm coming! You giggled as you finished lathering yourself up with sunscreen.

Look, I'm gonna show you how to paddle board, it’s so easy. I'll take you for a ride he smiled at you as you practically ran down to the dock. 

When you finally reached him, he grabbed you by your waist and spun you around. He set you down and he pressed his forehead against yours, I love you.

I love you! Trevor, please we can figure this out! You cried as he started packing up your things from his room. 

y/n i've thought a lot about this, and i'm leaving. I’m going to play for Anaheim and you’re not coming with me. He said, and it shocked you how casual he sounded about it. Just this morning he had told you he had loved you, letting you believe you guys had a chance.

Baby please… I don't have to come with you, we can do long distance or… we can think of something just please! You put your hands on top of his, effectively stopping him taking your clothes out of his dresser. 

I don't want to, he whispered and you swore it was a curse.

posted 1 years ago

trevorzegras

liked by jackhughes, jamie.drysdale, and others

trevorzegras a dream come true

Every time you saw him post, or saw a highlight or reel of him, your heart broke a little more. You couldn't help but miss him, even after how he broke things off with you. 

If anyone asked, you swore things broke up amicably, with the two of you smiling and wishing each other off well. You never let anyone know the heartbreak he caused, because you felt so stupid about it. He blindsided you, and if people knew how much you actually missed him… it made you feel sick. 

Despite it all you wished he could have seen you in his future. You could never be mad at him for having to follow his dreams, but the way he handled it… you hated that you still loved him so much. 

#suki waterhouse fic list #trevor zegras imagine #trevor zegras blurb #trevor zegras x reader #trevor zegras #nhl fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl imagine #nhl blurb

[soaps-mohawk]

heyy, i saw you responding to another ask and it briefly mentioned reader running away. that’s be lowkey highkey so funny. like it’d make my heart hurt with all the panic and distress everyone would go through with reader being gone, especially since ghost just confessed about him actually deeply afraid of losing reader. but also that little vengeful part of me wants to see ghost suffer for how he treated us, knowing he was probably the reason we left. or even if he wasn’t and it was something to do with readers lore, when (or maybe if) reader came back the protectiveness , comfort-and having to rebuild that trust with the pack. gorgeous.(know this prob wouldn’t happen and would be way too dramatic but i’m a drama queen what can i say <3)

but anyways take a good rest! and thank you for blessing us with your writing. (price is daddy and so r u)

live laugh love you💕

(yk who it is ;) )

Hello lovely live laugh love anon!!!

No, but here's the thing about this.

You would not get very far.

These men hunt people for a living. People actively trying to avoid being found. Hard to find targets? Never heard of 'em. And they have resources. You disappear? Price is on the phone with Laswell and she's got eyes on you before you even hit the next town over. They will follow you and find you, even if you don't know they're there until they're literally standing in front of you.

You would not get very far.

Of course there would be the emotions and they'd be pissed, but also upset because you just up and left, but here's the thing. Whether they bring you back or if somehow you've managed to avoid them, when you come back? You're never leaving their sight again. The door locks from the outside now. Personal space? Never heard of her. Time alone? Ha. That's cute. I wouldn't put it past Price to handcuff you to one of them at all times to make sure you don't escape again. The guards at the front gate know you and they will detain you if you even get close to them. All of the soldiers on base know if they see you alone? Detain until one of TF141 can get to you.

They would not let you out of their sight again.

Anyway, while that would be heartbreaking and add so much angst, it's just not something reader would do. Even if things got really bad, that's just not something the reader would even think of. Reader is bound by a sense of ingrained duty to their new pack and there's no getting out of that. They're stuck there and even if reader did want to leave, that's incredibly dangerous. We've seen how close others have gotten with the boys there. Imagine if reader was just out in the world alone.

You'll understand too as the fic goes on why the reader running would not work , as more and more gets revealed about things. But yeah, that's kind of the answer on that one. Reader wouldn't run, and even if they did...you're running from specially trained soldiers that hunt hard to find targets as their day job.

Live laugh love you too wonderful anon!! 💚

#*clears throat* #anyway i'm not thinking about being hunted down by them or anything now #thank you for these thots maybe now i can start chapter 9 #answered

[heliads]

Hey hun, just wondering if I could get a Theo Raeken x Hale!reader basically he's an overprotective brother ❤️❤️❤️

derek would be an overprotective brother let's be real (i'm assuming that's what you meant? tbh i was a little confused about who was the brother but this is the result)

masterlist

Sneaking out of one’s house in the dead of night is already a difficult task. Factor in the fact that the adults in the building all have supernatural hearing, and getting caught seems impossible to avoid. The only factor in your favor is the fact that you absolutely refuse to give up. Derek Hale can do whatever he wants to try and rein you in, but there’s nothing he can do to stop you. Nothing at all.

Honestly, he should have seen this coming. It’s not like any of the Hales are known for their natural rule-abiding tendencies. When Derek was your age, he was crushing on girls and giving them the bite. He should just be happy that you’re not trying to turn anyone and let you do what you please.

That’s what you argue, at least. Derek sees things very differently. You know he’s just terrified to lose another family member after the fire burned your home to the ground, but times are changing. You know how to defend yourself, and you certainly won’t be going down without a fight, if you’ll ever go down at all.

Besides, you’re not looking to get into fights. Not tonight. In fact, you’re doing the exact opposite. You’re slipping out of your room not to seek out danger, nor track down hunters in the hopes of starting a fight. No, you’re practicing all this secrecy because you want to see your boyfriend, a certain Theo Raeken.

You didn’t count on Theo stealing your heart when he first arrived at Beacon Hills. True, his first few months were a little rocky, something about him trying to betray the McCall pack in the name of the Dread Doctors, but he’s come around since then. You didn’t even start thinking about him romantically until a few months after that, once you were sure that he wouldn’t try something bad like that again.

If you ask Theo, though, he’ll tell a story that’s a little different from yours. He once confessed that he started liking you from his very first day, which made it easier to switch sides once he was let out of Hell. Sometimes you wonder if he saw visions of you when he was trapped down there. You don’t think he’ll tell you for quite some time, though. Theo doesn’t like thinking about his time in Hell at all.

Neither do you. That’s why the two of you prefer to let the past stay in the past, and focus only on the future and what it holds. Theo isn’t an enemy to you, not anymore. Not to any of your friends.

That’s not what Derek seems to believe, however. No, Derek is convinced that Theo is nothing but bad news, fit only for betrayal and heartbreak. Every time he happens to see you and Theo together, you can hear his blood pressure skyrocketing and you know you’re in for a lecture once you get home. Despite the fact that Derek made plenty of worse choices in his life, such as dating a darach, you being with Theo is the worst thing your older brother has ever seen.

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to you, but you’re not too hung up on it to let Derek’s lack of approval stop you. You don’t need your brother, you just need Theo. So, you take care to be extra quiet when you’re lifting the sash of the window and climbing down the fire escape into the cold night. Theo’s truck is idling two blocks over, just in case. He gets out to greet you like he always does.

Despite the fact that sneaking out of the Hale residence gets harder by the hour, and Derek’s wrath is strengthening by the day, it’s all worth it. All of it. The moment Theo’s arms are around you, you think you could take on the world. Maybe you’ll have to, it doesn’t really matter. You’ve got your boyfriend, he’s got you, and you’ve never been better.

Theo presses a kiss to your cheek before opening the passenger side door of his truck. “What do you say we get out of here?”

You laugh. “Sounds great to me.”

Theo smiles too, climbing back into the driver’s side and taking off into the night. You watch the streetlights speed past you, smears of off-white and buzzing gold against the dark air. Theo navigates his way out of the endless maze of suburbs and cul-de-sacs before you’re out in uncharted territory.

You and Theo have christened a spot on the outside of Beacon Hills as yours and yours alone. The Beacon Hills Preserve is in sight, but not all that close. Too many bad supernatural encounters in those woods have somewhat lessened your favor of them. Instead, Theo parks his car on the edge of a field, letting the tall grass and wildflowers brush against his cars. The sky is wide, open as far as the eye can see. It is absolutely perfect.

Theo grabs a blanket from the backseat and spreads it across the bed of his truck. He climbs in first, then holds out a hand to help you in. You lie down on your back so you can watch the stars, leaning against Theo. His hand traces gentle patterns on your arm, soft and soothing. The night is cool, making you curl closer against him. Overhead, the constellations wink and blink, promising stories that only you could ever dare to read.

You blink once and dawn is upon you. The sun is already climbing well into the sky, coloring clouds into rose and flaxen yellow. At first, you’re content to just lie there and marvel at how easy it was to fall asleep until it occurs to you that you weren’t supposed to do that at all.

One glance at the screen of your phone has you swearing under your breath. Theo is asleep by your side, and you frantically shake him awake. He’s slow to come to consciousness at first, but he’s active in seconds when you tell him what time it is. Both of you overslept by a lot, and you overshot the time you were supposed to make it back to your house by a couple of hours. Derek shouldn’t be up, not yet, but you wouldn’t put it past him to check your room. You’ve been known to sneak out in the past, and after the lecture you got last time, you really, really don’t want to be caught again.

Theo’s rushing the whole way back, relying on his supernatural senses to stay out of an accident. That, and the fact that no one is on the road at this hour of the morning. You imagine what a picture the two of you must make– most people just starting to wake up, the earliest risers starting their cars in their garages, while you and Theo are booking it down the road out of fear that your brother would figure out what you’ve done.

Theo brings his truck to a stop close to your house. He peppers apologies in between kisses, then urges you to hurry before it’s too late. You wave goodbye, then take the steps of the fire escape two at a time in your haste to get back inside. You raise your window and climb inside. You hear no sound anywhere else in the apartment, and you have just enough time to thank your lucky stars that you managed to get away with this when the lights flick on, revealing Derek waiting in the shadows.

It takes everything in you to bite back a startled scream. “Jeez, Derek, try not to give me a heart attack, will you?” You clutch a hand to your chest, trying to stop the accursed organ from jumping out of your chest.

Derek doesn’t look remotely sympathetic to your situation. “Why, so you can see that Raeken boy again? I know where you were.”

You wince. “You do.”

“I do,” Derek confirms, “and you’re lucky today’s a school day, or I’d be yelling at you here and now. As it is, you have to get ready or you’re going to miss the bus. Do that and I’ll be even more mad than I am now.”

“I didn’t know it was possible for you to be more mad,” you joke weakly.

“It’s not,” Derek says with a glare, and storms out into the hall.

You collapse to your bed, one hand rising to your head. You really hadn’t wanted Derek to find out, but of course he’d known all along. Derek’s a survivor, he has been all this time. That means he has the instincts of someone searching for all the clues you’re trying to keep hidden. You have the school day as a buffer, but after that, you’re totally done for.

Sure enough, Derek is waiting for you, arms folded across his chest, the moment you close the door behind you in the afternoon. Not only that, but Peter Hale is lounging on the couch, languidly flipping through the day’s newspaper.

You arch a brow at your uncle. “You brought Peter into this?”

Derek groans. “He’s a figure of authority. I thought you’d respect him if you can’t respect me.”

You grin. “Are you sure that was a good idea?”

Across the room, Peter chuckles. “Of course it was. There’s nothing Derek likes more than someone who gives him even more gray hairs than you.”

You and Derek turn to shout at the same time. “Shut up!”

Peter holds up his hands in mock surrender, still laughing under his breath.

Derek looks back at you, brow furrowed. “We’re not talking about Peter, we’re talking about you. You snuck out of this apartment for the fifth time this month. I’ve told you to stay away from Theo, but you were with him. Want to explain yourself?”

“We’re dating,” you say as casually as you can.

Derek pinches the bridge of his nose. “Why? The guy tried to kill Scott and he’s probably angling to kill you. I’m not telling you all this just because I like hearing the sound of my own voice, you know. I’m trying to keep you alive.”

You scoff. “Yeah, because you’ve got a great history with your girlfriends. Weren’t you dating Kate Argent? You know, the one who burned our house down?”

Peter takes this as his sign to add his two cents. “She’s not wrong, you know.”

Derek repeats his sentiment for Peter to shut up at the same time as you encourage your uncle to keep talking. This earns you a swat to the shoulder, and your older brother picks up his lecture again.

“I’m not the one who’s being reprimanded, Y/N, that would be you. I’m serious, you have to stay away from Theo. He’s no good for you.”

“How would you know?” You counter, “all you ever do is try to be as overprotective as you can. I mean, have you ever considered the possibility that I know what I’m doing?”

Derek exhales slowly. “I know you’re capable, but you never know. I’m just trying to keep you safe, is that really so bad?”

You give him a steady look. “When you’re being this overinvolved in my life, yes it is.”

Derek opens his mouth to argue with that, but he’s interrupted by a knock at the door. He tilts his head to the side for a second, listening for heartbeats, then mutters something under his breath about Scott McCall always needing something at the worst possible time.

You interpret that as your chance to escape, so you do so with great excitement. Derek shouts that this isn’t over as you go, but you’re fairly sure it is. 

As you hurry past, Peter calls after you. “The back door is still unlocked, by the way. Derek will be busy for the next half hour or so.”

You grin. “Have I ever mentioned that you’re my favorite Hale?”

“Be sure to bring that up the next time I kill someone,” Peter grumbles, “I could use someone on my side for once.”

It’s hard to control your laugh as you head towards the back exit of the apartment. You text Theo on your way out, and soon enough you’re in his truck once again, speeding away from Derek and his suffocating tendencies as quickly as you can.

Theo shoots you a nervous look as he eases to a stop at a red light. “You’re sure everything is alright? I mean, Derek’s wrath is legendary.”

You shake your head. “We’ll be fine. Derek will stomp around for another day or so, but he doesn’t have it in him to hold grudges for long.”

Theo smiles. “As long as you’re sure about it. I don’t want to get in between you and your brother.”

“You won’t,” you assure him, “we’ve had bigger fights over much less, trust me.”

Theo assures you that he does, and you let the road disappear behind you along with your troubles. As you drive, though, your uneasiness doesn’t dissipate as quickly as usual. 

A few minutes later, you think something is wrong. Glancing back, you whisper something to Theo. “Is it just me, or has that car been following us for a while?”

Theo checks his rearview mirror, then curses. “No, you’re right. That’s a hunter, I recognize the license plate. Hold tight, I’ll try to lose him.”

Theo takes a few sporadic turns, but even his best attempts can’t shake the guy. What’s more, cars appear out of the surrounding streets, slowly but surely forcing Theo to head towards the Preserve and out of sight of any passersby. The hunters stop near the mouth of the woods, and Theo has to park as well lest he risk getting in a crash.

The two of you watch the hunters emerge from their cars, weapons in hand. “Stay in the truck,” Theo tells you, “I’ll take care of this.”

“Not a chance,” you argue, “there are too many of them, we’re doing this together.”

Theo looks like he wants to argue, but you’re already reaching for the door and stepping outside. The hunters issue out the usual threats about wanting to run all supernaturals out of town and whatnot. Thankfully, they aren’t a patient bunch, and so you’re able to skip to the fight before too long.

This isn’t your first bad encounter with the hunters of Beacon Hills, nor will it be the last. You extend your claws, letting your eyes glow. Supernatural strength courses over you and you charge. Despite the fact that the two of you are crazily outnumbered, you and Theo have one thing that the hunters don’t:  an absolute unwillingness to lose.

That’s what you think about when enemy blood is shed, when you snap knives and break guns and refuse to let your fear get the best of you. That’s what you think about when the number of hunters starts to dwindle, when they choose to run into the woods or drive away rather than join their friends in agony on the ground.

That’s why you win, you think. At last, you straighten up and look at Theo. Both of you are alive, and the remaining hunters are fleeing as quickly as they can. You start to smile, but before you can say too much, another voice encapsulates your thoughts.

“That way went better than I expected.”

You whip around to see Derek emerging from his car a few paces away, blinking in surprise. He gestures between the hunters on the ground and you and Theo. “You know, I came all this way to save your asses, but it looks like you’ve already done that.”

“Maybe it’s because I can trust Theo to keep me alive.” You say pointedly.

Derek stares at you a second longer, then sighs and gives in. “Fine, fine. The two of you can keep on seeing each other. Just don’t make that sneaking out stuff a habit.”

You wait until Derek gets back in his car and drives away before daring to look at Theo. Silently, he raises his arms in victory, making you laugh. Maybe Derek isn’t completely beyond reasoning. And maybe, just maybe, you can have both your boyfriend and your brother on your side. Impossibilities were made to be disproven.

teen wolf tag list: @thatfangirl42, @rogueanschel, @lovesanimals0000, @rafecameronswhore, @bellabadacadabra, @23victoria,

#theo raeken #theo raeken imagines #theo raeken x reader #theo raeken oneshot #teen wolf #teen wolf imagines #teen wolf x reader #teen wolf oneshot #teen wolf theo #teen wolf theo imagines #teen wolf theo x reader #teen wolf theo oneshot

[bfpnola]

image description under the cut

when i was 12, i was ambitious. a heart of gold, in the words of earth, wind & fire, i truly believed that nothing could stop me so long as i gave it my all. no obstacle was too large, no goal was too distant. now, at 20, my dreams are shattered in many ways. yet in many ways i am still grateful (and i am aware that i have so much left to live). i owe it to the family i have created to tell this complex truth over a neatly told lie:

for the nearly 8 years that better future program, inc. (bfp) has existed, i have run it almost entirely alone. each time that we gained momentum, it was as though the narrow visions of others dragged us right back to the depths of the void. and i was the one always left to pick up the pieces. you see, for nearly 8 years, i fought and cried, chased and fell, lived and died. but it was through my struggles that i made lifelong friends to kiss the very scars this organization has graced me with. i will always hold a place in my heart for the volunteers who showed up, who bleed alongside me as these words rip into our spirits.

you see, i am writing this because i am a changed person. called every name in the book right down to ngger whore*, something about my soul is hurting. my children and i, my wonderful children, have spent 8 years begging our white peers to care. it does something to you… to look into someone’s eyes, to say that you feel as though you could die, that the world has cursed you with this endless sense of urgency, and for them to only center their themselves whiteness in the end. even in the home we had created, we could not escape white supremacy. i refuse to sugarcoat just how heartbreaking a revelation this was. in the words of one of our truest and most gentle-hearted allies, internally, we had become parasitic, only existing to serve the needs and wants of our white members. and of course, we were disposable. when cycles of harm were disrupted, they left us without a single word of remorse.

my children and i, we are a broken people. torn from our homes, our hearts cracked open, we are a people whose throats are hoarse from screaming, who eyes flood like the mississippi river, whose soles are calloused from chasing after dreams (after humanization) across red-hot coal. we are burnt out.

so where does this leave us? what does any of this mean? crucial details highlighted below:

better future program, inc. (bfp) is changing. our nonprofit status will remain. but our volunteer positions will not. our liberation library will remain. but our discord server will not. we will no longer accept donations. our current funds will be redistributed through mutual aid networks. our 3,000 free resources will still be available. but our capacity for material change has truly been diminished. we hope to continue to provide marginalized youth with educational materials for as long as we possibly can. and so we will do so, for as long as we possibly can.

you see, my children and i, we are a resilient people. borne of slave ships and reservations, occupation and colonization, abuse and grief, we are survivors. our hands grasp one another’s tightly so that we may never lose each other in this world. we have held hands since before we ever even met. as we venture back out into our local communities, we will never stop being intentional in our relationships (in fact, we already have a new project in the works so that may stick together). better future program, inc. (bfp) has still given us so much. and for that we will always be grateful.

if you have any further questions, which i imagine you might, feel free reach out through [email protected], instagram (@bfpnola), or tumblr (@bfpnola), as these socials will remain available.

thank you so much for supporting us for as long as you have. it’s time we take a new path.

sincerely,

reaux (she/they)

founding executive director

#reaux speaks #announcements

[facewithoutheart]

Today in fics I’m never going to write but keep thinking about: Baz getting hit with amnesia shortly before the events of WS and being told he’s dating some guy with wings and a tail who never gets off the sofa. And he’s like, “Yeah I don’t see it,” which is kind of heartbreaking but also kind of a giant release of pressure for Simon because, “Oh he doesn’t know what I’ve lost,” and they become tentative friends. Baz of course loves Penny and they nerd out trying to figure out what’s caused Baz’s amnesia. There’s no real incentive for Baz to get his memories back except, “They’re my memories, Simon. Don’t you think I’m owed them?” To which Simon just smiles sadly and misses the way Baz used to call him Snow. But it’s fine! Honestly! Simon keeps downplaying what they had. Telling little stories like, “Oh that’s the time you spelled my laptop shut nbd,” and, “Yeah I got locked out in the cold all night but the stars were really pretty,” and Baz is like… and you dated me??? But there’s also moments where Simon explains he broke Baz’s nose and tried to out him as a vampire, and Baz just doesn’t get it, them, at all.

Except… okay so maybe it hasn’t escaped Baz’s notice how attractive Simon is. And there are moments when he gets off the couch that he’s shockingly funny, and sweet. He sometimes slips into quiet but Baz has started to piece together what’s happened and maybe that makes sense. It’s not like he has anything to say, either. “What would I have to offer in conversation, Simon? I barely even know my own name.” And they sit together on the sofa and watch television. It’s… something.

Insert a bit of Baz spiral with Baz wondering, “is this what made me fall? Is this?” As he keeps looking for the spark, the reason, the moment he fell for Simon Snow.

I’m not sure what the conflict is here. Maybe Baz overhears Dr. Wellbelove talking to Simon about the Mage? Maybe there’s a Fiona intervention? A Malcolm one? But at some point there’s some big argument where Baz confronts Simon and they’re screaming at each other and then Baz bursts into laughter. And Simon’s like wtf Baz but Baz can’t stop laughing because of course this is it. Of course this is when he falls for Simon. When they’re screaming at each other.

But it’s not that, is it? It’s every time Simon smiled, and every time something on the television made him laugh and Simon’s first reaction is to look at Baz. And it’s how he teases Penny and hasn’t pressured Baz to get his memories back. Just accepts him as he is. Helps him hunt. Maybe yells at Fiona to back off when Baz doesn’t get his memories back fast enough. It’s how Simon Snow is alive, alive, alive, he’s full of life and that’s when it all comes rushing back. All of his memories falling like rain all over Baz; not a flood but a cleansing. It’s not overwhelming to love Simon it’s never been and having this outside perspective on who Simon is and what he’s been through independent of Baz’s issues has reminded Baz of what he’s fighting for.

Baz finally stops laughing. He walks over to Simon, presses both hands to his cheeks, says, “Snow,” then kisses him. And of course Baz hasn’t called Simon “Snow” this whole time so Simon knows Baz’s memories are back.

Ok and insert more angst: Simon immediately pushes Baz off and walks out their door. Because it’s been easy letting Baz in hasn’t it? He didn’t know what Simon lost. Who he used to be. He finally understood, didn’t he? The arsehole… ever since Baz lost his memories he knew better. He knew what Simon had always known: that Simon is nothing. Not the Chosen One, not even a mage. God not even Normal. Just a chewed up bit of empty space with wings and a tail. A freak. Wasn’t it nice, getting to know Baz without any of that history? Without any of the pressure? I mean sure sometimes Simon wanted to pounce on him and snog him senseless or hold his hand when the movie they were watching got scary. And Baz kept doing things for Simon like getting him the brand of cider he likes best and making sandwiches for him when he forgot to eat. And spending time with him without huffing about how Simon was wasting his life and not looking at Simon like he could see who used to be there: someone. Someone who mattered. And that’s what it’s gonna be now, right? More pointed looks and disappointed smiles and knowing, always knowing and never saying that Baz is too good for him.

Didn’t he know Simon Snow was meant to be alone?

Oooh okay maybe Simon just like, rage runs back to the flat and slams open the door and is like, “How dare you?” But he’s not even sure what he’s saying. He’s not even sure what he’s thinking. All he knows is that he wants Baz, any version of Baz, even the one who thinks he’s wasting his life because of course he’s missed that. He liked sitting next to Baz and watching shows and not feeling any pressure but god the way he felt when Baz was screaming at him. Simon’s got wings but he never feels like he can fly without Baz, next to him. Pushing him.

Because if Simon is alive alive alive it’s only because Baz makes him want to be. Baz has always been Simon’s reason, even when things were…

And then Simon’s kissing Baz, and Baz is kissing back, and maybe Simon can keep this. Maybe he can choose this.

Maybe he can try.

#still doesn’t feel settled but whatever here have this half-formed concept #snowbaz

[xhoneygirlxx]

warnings: angst, no happy ending. heartbreak/end of a relationship. Eddie and Reader are 20+

minors plz go away, this account is 18+ only.

this is inspired by Nothings New by Rio Romeo, the same song that’s been stuck on repeat for the past couple of weeks. I hope you all enjoy this <3

*if you see spelling errors/bad writing, pretend it didn’t happen

—

You both knew it was coming, a thought in the back of your mind that constantly ate away at you until it finally came true. There’s a moment in life when you just know it’s not going to work out anymore, that no matter how much you love a person it all comes down to a spark and when that spark is gone, so is the relationship.

It’s like a sandcastle right on the shoreline, you wait with bated breath as the water inches closer and closer to your creation and there’s nothing you can do about it because you’ve built it on a bad foundation. It’s like a balloon, it can only fly so long before the helium seeps out, one day it’s high up in the sky and the next day it clings to the ground where it will stay before it eventually deflates.

You nor Eddie set out to end like this, no one gets into a relationship in the hopes it ends but somehow, you ended up right where you hoped you wouldn’t.

I love you’s weren’t shared as much anymore, sweet kisses turned into chaste pecks on the cheek, and the closeness you both craved was now despised. A long fall from the pedestal your relationship was once held upon, now it was just an obligation that felt torturous to even continue.

The dinner on the table is perfect, the kind you would find photographed in some kind of home and lifestyle magazine, but the two people consuming it are anything but. A date night that was supposed to be fun and exciting felt like a job, a requirement that both of you had signed on for that you just couldn’t get out of.

Eddie looks handsome as always, a sleek button up adorning his torso and unruly curls are tamed down by the products in the bathroom that both of you share. He cuts his steak with tattooed hands, the same silver rings he wore in high school decorate his digits as well as the one you bought him all those years ago when you first got together. You look at the thick black band, the engraved lettering of your initials that go across it, and you wonder if he only wears it out of habit- something he only wears on his right ring finger because he would feel unbalanced without it.

Despite the crowd that sits at neighboring tables, it’s quiet, and not the peaceful kind of silence most people would imagine. It’s the kind that happens after a car accident when dust and debris settle to ground, the sulfur from the airbags fill the air, and the ringing in your ears are too loud to hear through anything else.

You poke at your plate mindlessly as you continue to look at him, trying to piece together where it all went wrong and why the two of you have let it go this far. A bitter taste fills your mouth, one that can’t be washed down by the red wine that sits in your untouched glass, making a ball form in your throat.

As you look at the man across from you, you don’t see the person you’ve grown tired of but rather the boy you fell in love with all those years ago. Wide eyes and dimpled smile, rosy cheeks and shaky hands. Memories of shy banter and longing stares fill your head. Two young kids so full of love and adoration for one another now sit silently as they ignore one another’s presence.

Your heart squeezes, painfully twisting in a devastating way as it prepares for what’s going to happen. A tear escapes from your waterline and you don’t fight it. As much as you don’t want to be the dramatic girlfriend in the middle of a fancy restaurant you allow yourself to cry, mourning the death of a love story that started with two star cross teenagers that lost their way.

Although he isn’t looking at you Eddie can sense it, the beginning of the goodbye he’s tried desperately to avoid. He sets his fork and knife down, swallowing his food down as best as he can while his throat begins to choke up in unshed tears.

There’s a pause in his movements, a delay from looking into the eyes of the one he promised to love until his dying day. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, reaching his hand out across the table in search of your own. Fingers interlace, palms touching for the first time in a long time and for once you both feel it, the spark you used to feel when everything was fresh and new- only it doesn’t linger, it slowly blows out and fades away into the cold night air.

Big chocolate eyes meet yours, the tears that brim in his tear ducts match your own, the shared sadness for the future you will no longer share.

“This is it?” Eddie’s voice is small, like he’s straining in the hopes the sobs won’t break out.

You can’t stop it, the wobble of your pouted lip and the river that falls from your eyes. There’s no words you can say, none that will capture the amount of pain this brings to you, so instead you just nod your head.

Eddie isn’t any better, eyes closing with the hopes that this will all go away when he opens them once more. When he opens them back up he doesn’t find a different outcome but instead the blur of the fat tears that cloud his vision.

“You know I love you, right? I always have and always will love you Eddie, but this isn’t good for us anymore.” It’s like you’re pleading, begging for all of the misery to end for not just yourself but him too.

The subtle nod of his head tells you all you need to know, he agrees just as much as you that this isn’t going to work anymore, that this is killing him as much as it is you and if it continues this way it’ll only be a matter of time before this slow and painful death creeps up on you.

“I love you too, always have.” Eddie makes sure to look you in the eyes when he says it, like he wants you to know that everything that’s happened was never intentional.

You give his hand a squeeze, an acknowledgment to his statement, he squeezes right back.

This was the end, in the middle of a fancy restaurant where families, couples, and friends laugh and talk over warm meals, you and Eddie slowly cut the string that’s been keeping you tethered together for more than five years.

—

—

#eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson blurb #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson angst #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson x you

[targaryenrealnessdarling]

A Stranger’s Hand (10)

Summary: With a broken heart and recent truths, the tourney for Helaena’s ladies finally begins.

Warnings: angst, some foul language, mention of blood, mentions of sex

A/N: This one’s a biggie at over 8.5k so STRAP IN. IT’S TOURNEY TIME

A Stranger Masterlist

Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11

There is something extraordinary about heartbreak.

Something so overwhelmingly painful, so endlessly unbearable. And perhaps most of all, so mercilessly soul-crushing.

And yet, feels so human.

It is grief, fur-lined with fear that joy has forever escaped. It is the plate of food that you leave behind untouched. It is the uncomfortable shudder when the bath water has become too cold. It is staring distastefully at your shoes, and not having the strength to put them on. It is the flush of pink that has forever left your cheeks and migrated north to the corners of your eyes.

How could both happiness and heartbreak be two sides of the same coin, when they barely felt like they were of the same world.

In the human sense, it felt cruel, to allow people to feel what you felt at this very moment. And something that quite possibly many women before you had felt. How could the Gods have done this, to create such a feeling as this.

Perhaps it had not been part of their plan at all. And you wondered, did they pity mere mortals when they saw such despair? When they saw how something as raw, pure and visceral as love could descend into such turmoil.

Sometimes, when you clasp the sapphire necklace around your neck, you look at yourself in the mirror and think of all the things that have been said about you. That you are an inhuman female demon, that you are an innocent victim of a man-crazed forced against your will and in danger of your own life, that you were too ignorant to know how to act, that you had green eyes, that you had blue eyes, that you had both, that you have brown hair, that you have black hair, that you are of a resentful disposition with a quarrelsome temper, that you are a temptress, that you are a virgin, that you are cunning and devious, that you are soft in the head and little better than a fool and that you are a good girl with a compliant nature.

And you wonder, how you can be all these different things at once. 

Sometimes when you are laying in bed, unable to sleep but too fearful to venture out into the dark, you whisper to yourself. Ambrose. Risley. Tarth. Thorne. All the men who over the past few days since the list was distributed, you learned would fight for your hand in marriage. Perhaps they would be kind. Or perhaps they would not. Perhaps they would insist on a bedding ceremony, and have their men tear their clothes from you at your marriage table, hands clamouring at your flesh as if you were a hen caught beneath the paw of a fox. 

Perhaps they would take pity on you and prepare you for the duty of bearing their heirs kindly and slowly. Perhaps they would take you like the whore many supposed you were and that this meant they needn’t prepare you. Perhaps they would die quickly without planting their seed inside you. Perhaps they would live and continue to torture you with their unloving presence for years yet to come. 

“Ambrose. Risley. Tarth. Thorne”

“Targaryen”

The name rouses a cloud of guilt and shame in your chest.

You thought of all this as the ache between your thighs where Aemond had been started to fade, a sore reminder.

They don’t understand. That guilt doesn’t come from the things you have done, but from the things that others have done to you.

Otto Hightower’s words are an incessant whisper in your left ear, ‘You see? How easy it is for an idea of a person to be forgotten’

And in your right, Aemond’s words from several weeks before, ‘We are wed in soul, my love’

You thought of your mother and what she would think of you. The whore or the maiden? And as Otto’s words racked around inside your head with lack of sleep, you thought more often of her and what hardships she had endured. What had happened to her, you wonder. You could almost see her face before you, but focussing on one part of her face meant that the others disappeared and blurred away into non-existence. And you wondered how long it would be before you could not remember any detail of her face. Did your father feel the same? Did he stare up at the canopy, trying to remember his wife’s face?

Despite being the middle of the night, there were still various servants strolling about the Keep in hurried manners. Preparing for traveling west to the grounds, for the tourney.

Grasping the navy robe around you tighter to make yourself appear smaller, you knocked on the oak doors, expecting a few seconds to go by before the voice would come. After all, it was the middle of the night. You looked at the moon, which was not quite full, and the longer you looked at it the further away it seemed to get.

“Lady Highgreen” came the voice of Larys Strong from between the crack of the door.

When you looked upon his face he looked expectant, almost pleased to see you at his door. For no other reason than to imagine what secrets he could draw from your pretty little mind.

“Lord Strong” you greet, not bothering to curtsy too deeply for him, “May I speak with you a moment?” 

Almost too eagerly, he opened the door a slither more and allowed you to squeeze through unnoticed. His chambers were dark, lit only by candlelight, but part of you thought that perhaps it always looked like these even in the middle of the day. A sunny day and Larys Strong didn’t seem like they could co-exist together. 

“I am very sorry to disturb you so late-” 

“It is no bother, my Lady. Please sit” he interrupts. You tie your robe tighter out of nervousness and sit opposite where you had presumed he had been before your arrival. He limps over to a table to get another cup, “I assumed you might want some wine” he says. Again, not really a question, but more of an assumption. This time a correct one.

He gives that unreadable smile when he hands you the wine filled goblet, watching the ways you clasp your nervous fingers around it in your lap. You didn’t particularly like Larys, in fact finding him a little disconcerting, but what you did appreciate was that he was forward, to the point. Something you feel is lacking in Court most of the time.

This is proven by his opening line.

“I trust you are anxious for the tourney tomorrow” 

With a curt nod, you take a sip from the cup, letting the slightly bitter wine linger a little.

“I have a duty, as does everyone else” is all you answer, but he acts like this answer is unsatisfying.

“But you do not want it”

At this, you meet his eyes. He is sitting opposite, his cane in his right hand, fingers stroking the pattern of the wood. You note that he is still dressed in his day wear, did this man ever sleep?

“I think I would be lying if I said I did, my Lord”

Larys huffs a laugh at that and you wonder for a moment what you said that was so funny. His mouth opens to say something but you endeavour to beat him to it.

“Forgive me, my Lord, but that is not why I am here” 

He raises his eyebrows at the forwardness of it, but somewhat amused. 

“Alright” he says, gripping his cane tighter, “then why are you here?”

The lack of formality does not surprise you. He is trying to be as unnerving as possible. A chill runs up your spine that you try to hide.

Taking in a breath, “I no longer wish to be tortured with the memory of my mother when I do not know what happened” you begin, “I wish to know about her, prior to my birth”

Larys cocks his head, “What would possess you to believe I know?” 

You want to say, don’t be so cocky, but you need his cooperation, “I know my mother and father were here, both for their marriage and my birth. I believe you were here also, your father was Hand of the King at that time”

He smiles, but it falters for a moment before returning. 

“Indeed. And what is it specifically that you would like to know?”

You take another sip of the wine, sending a jolt of confidence through you that you knew you’d need. 

“I have heard some rumours about her, and I would like to know if there any truth to them” you start, fingers tracing the rim of your cup, “it is said she caused quite a bit of trouble, I know no more than that” 

Larys’ smile seemed to fade at the mention of ‘trouble’ and averted his eyes, as if casting his mind back, to before a time where you were even born.

“I remember the wedding very well. Your mother was quite the picture. The Queen Mother, I believe, was present as a guest”

“So they were close?” 

“They were inseparable. As if attached to the hip. I believe the Lord Hand may have been acquainted with your grandfather”

You nod your head in understanding. Perhaps you had not realised just how close your mother and Alicent had really been.

“The ceremony lasted well into the night, your mother and father were practically hanging off one another in love. It is a rare sight to see, for an arranged marriage”

“Why were they married here?”

“I would have thought the Queen Mother insisted on having it in the capital”

Larys sighed once he swallowed some more wine. 

“Not two moons passed since the wedding when your father was hurried away for business and it didn’t take long for your mother to find herself in trouble”

You lean forward, “Trouble?...”

Larys smiled widely. 

“It is said that your mother and her cousin, Lord Cameron Tarth, were discovered in a…compromising position within her chambers”

Despite the heat of the room, your blood suddenly ran cold in your veins and you shuddered, swallowing dryly. You tried to envision it, trying desperately to not let the opinion of many others colour the judgement of your late mother. For she was not here to defend herself.

You allow Larys to carry on.

“It is unclear exactly what transpired. Your mother was beside herself with hysteria for days. And only when your father returned did she finally come out of her chambers”

“What of Lord Cameron?” you ask. You are sure he is still alive, but had never truly met him.

Larys shrugs, “Some say he left for the Wall, others say he crossed the Narrow Sea. If one thing is certain he left King’s Landing with haste”

The answer doesn’t satisfy you and you’re left with a bad taste in your mouth.

“The rest are merely baseless rumours, but many in fact believed your mother had a brief affair with Lord Cameron. And not long after-”

“She was with child” you interrupt, looking up to meet his eyes, “Was she not?” 

Larys merely nods, tapping a ring-clad finger on the rim of his cup, “Your mother was inconsolable. And I do not mean to offend you my Lady since you are living and breathing before me, but it was clear she did not desire to be with child” 

You clear your throat, “And what of my father? What did he do?”

“Well…” he sighs, casting his mind back, eyes on the ceiling of his chambers, “...your father was annoyingly very indifferent, despite the King’s counsel. It created quite the fuss and because of all the commotion there was the fear that your father would lose allies”

The realisation hit you that this was why your father so diligently allied himself to the Greens when the Dance began. He must have felt the need to prove himself, even so many years later. It didn’t make you want to swipe the smug face off Otto’s face any less though.

“In my opinion, your mother’s image was saved entirely by the Queen Mother”

Your eyes meet him again, drawing up slowly from your lap.

“She would certainly have flung herself from the Tower of the Hand to end the pregnancy had the Queen Mother not been there to comfort her”

You ponder the answers you received for a moment, learning more here than a lifetime with your father. No wonder he was secretive about her, he had not wanted to uproot her memory and stir about such rumours again.

So you polish off the rest of the wine in your cup and clasp your hands before you, offering a small curtsy before making for the door.

“Thank you Lord Larys, I appreciate your honesty”

Watching you leave with a smirk, Larys responds, “It is no problem, Lady Highgreen”

Before placing your hand on the doorknob, you swivel on your spot, seeing Larys’ eyebrows raised to his hairline.

“I must ask” you begin, “why is it that there are no records of my mother being here?”

Now Larys looked confused, “Oh there certainly are. Just perhaps not where you would expect them to be”

Why is everyone so cryptic here, you think to yourself. 

Without another word, you leave, with even more questions than what you started with. The sky that you had observed before was tinged with a light blue, the sun threatened to come over the horizon. Every hair on your arm stood on end and a shuddering breath escaped your mouth. Your father would be arriving soon no doubt. Part of you couldn’t stand the thought of returning to your chambers.  

You chant once more.

“Ambrose. Risley. Tarth. Thorne”

Usually being up at the crack of dawn was no trouble to Aemond. He had always been early to rise. It meant that he could roam about and pretend for some while that the Keep was all his own.

But this morning he felt as if he could sleep the day away without issue.

The maids rushed about his room, laying out his clothes for the day ahead, scurrying away quickly when he pushed his torso from the mattress. With a heavy sigh, the pad of his index finger traced the scar that lined half of his face. It flared with irritation and a heat emanated from beneath the skin, making it much more sensitive than it would otherwise be. It was like his body knew the consequences of today, what hardships it would bring.

He ran his fingers through his silver hair to untangle the knots he had formed in his sleep, rising to observe the plane of land outside his window. A particularly itching feeling began in his chest to look down to see if you were asleep in your usual spot, as you so often were in the months at the Keep. And how he wished he hadn’t. For when he looked down, you were there, eyes softly closed and basking in the morning sunlight, a cloud of warm breath expelled from your mouth every so often with the chill of the dawn.

Begrudgingly, he pulled his clothes over his body, making an extra effort to appear more formal and put-together. He pulled the strap over his eye and had barely attached it when a knock at his chamber door sounded. 

Sigh, “Enter” 

He immediately regretted his harsh tone when he saw who it was.

“Helaena” 

She looked sombre, with dark circles under her eyes, and the top of her nose was pink as if she had been weeping. She was dressed also, today donning a cream gown with yellow detailing. She was always one for lighter colours, in stark contrast to her younger brother.

Not a moment sooner was the door closed when Helaena rushed over to the window, “Is she still there?” she asked. 

Thoroughly confused, Aemond could only guess who she was speaking of, “Yes, she is”

“Good. I need to speak to you” 

Aemond stood awkwardly as if waiting and took a seat. Despite her hurried state, the Queen merely stood there, mouth agape, forming the words in her head first.

So it was Aemond who spoke first. And he might as well speak plainly on a day like this.

“She knows, Helaena”

Helaena met his gaze, as if it was the same thing she was going to say.

“She knows about Alys”

Aemond had never told Helaena outright about the relationship he had begun with you. But he knew, she knew. She would always know everything that happened, whether she wanted to or not. A blessing and a curse at the same time.

“You and I both know that none of it is true” Aemond began,

“Of course, we know, but she does not” Helaena began to pace about the room, “Our dear grandfather has put the idea in her head that it was a fully fledged relationship, with a child!”

Aemond huffed, even casting his mind back was incredibly difficult to do. The war, realistically, was not that long ago. But the scars felt by them were still fresh.

“It was nothing like what he said”

“She manipulated you, Aemond. And lied through her teeth to advance that child to the throne”

Aemond’s left side of his face inflames irritably. 

“She sought her chance and paid the price, no more need be said about it”

“There does when she believes you indifferent to her” Helaena argues,

“Rather she hates me for believing I would abuse her in such a way” Aemond murmurs in response, fingers tapping at the side of the armchair.

“Well then do something about it, Aemond!”

The younger brother is silenced at his sister’s volume. A rare sight to behold. Her lilac eyes bore into his and the intensity of it makes him want to turn away. Some said there was little fire in Helaena, but this wasn’t true. There was fire, but in her words.

“I cannot stand you moping around allowing her to marry somebody else” she huffs,

“It is not only my decision, Helaena. And who is to say she would even accept me now?”

“Do you hear yourself?” she asks almost too angry to form words, “If you offered your hand to her, do you think her father would be in any position to refuse?”

“Only if I participated for her hand”

“So why don’t you?”

Aemond purses his lips and looks up. If there is one thing he hates, it is to be reproached. 

But Helaena, with that aforementioned fire, does not back down, “Your pride?” she asks.

“Helaena” he sighs.

A muffled squeal is heard through the glass of the windows and Helaena looks out, seeing that your father had surprised you with his arrival by sneaking up on you in the gardens. You had your arms thrown around him, positively joyous at his arrival. For a second, the despair disappears from your face, but the moment your father turns his back, the unmistakable drop is there.

Helaena inhales sharply, looking towards her younger sibling, “They will all be here soon. I shall hope you make your decision on what is more important soon. Your pride or her”

Aemond felt he’d had the air knocked from him once Helaena had left. His scar was sore as was his mind, swimming with thoughts. He knew he had to act. He had felt what it was to have her, not only in body but in mind and soul. Aemond had a taste of what it was to feel someone’s kindness touch him so intimately and now he did not have it, he felt the sheer chasm of loneliness that the lack of her touch would allow him to fall into. The blackened abyss of what it was to watch someone you loved walk away.

No, he thought.

This couldn’t happen.

This will not happen.

He was a fucking Targaryen. 

And by the Gods, he cursed himself for forgetting the words of his own house.

Four carriages were lined up for the ladies, their fathers and Queen Helaena. Seven ladies in total were queued up to board their respective carriages, hands clasped before them, their gazes stuck on their feet before them. They looked so sombre and depressed that there may as well have been chains clanging between their wrists. Instead their father’s hand wrapped around their arms, some harshly and some with indifference.

Arm in arm with your father, his large, comforting hand on yours, your other hand bunched up the skirt of your dress to allow you to step up into the carriage. 

“You look exquisite, child” your father said, taking his spot opposite you. 

You merely smiled at his compliment, brushing some dust from your skirts. The maids had chosen all different colours for each of Helaena’s ladies, all varying shades of soft pastels. You noted that each house wore loosely a colour that their house represented, with Lady Lannister looking the most striking in a soft shade of crimson. Of course, it had meant that you wore a soft, pale blue with golden accents, akin to the bird that donned the sigil of House Highgreen.

A vaguely golden figure shuffles into the carriage and Helaena sighs as her back meets the seat. The Kingsguard murmurs nervously outside,

“My Queen, this is not your carriage-”

She merely closes the door to ignore him, barely turning her head to meet yours, she reaches over and takes your hand, intertwining her fingers into yours. She sighs again and closes her eyes, almost appearing as nervous as you, though there was little need for her to be.

Your father chooses not to say anything, instead busying himself with the view outside, watching the landscape go by before taking the road to the Waterfront to make the hour-long journey to the Tourney Grounds.

Helaena’s hand remains in yours the entire way. She had so much to say, but could not in the company of your father. So as much as it pained her to do so, she remained quiet. But you knew she was thinking of you when her grip tightened every so often.

“Will the King be in attendance, my Queen?” your father asked, knowing the answer but intent on making some conversation.

Helaena forced a smile, “Indeed, my Lord” she said quietly, “my husband prefers to ride on Sunfyre if it is nice weather”

You furrow your brows at this. It was most certainly not nice weather, in fact, it was so cloudy that at any moment the clouds could have opened to bring forth a storm. And because of the anticipation of it, it locked in the humid heat, making the air uncomfortable to breathe.

Aegon had most likely ridden the dragon to be rid of female company while he could.

“I hear Prince Daeron will be visiting from Oldtown for the tourney, your Grace”

“A rare occurrence indeed. All of us are rarely in the same place at once these days” Helaena says, squeezing your hand. It was almost painful the way her slender fingers gripped yours, but the pain barely reached you.

Instinctively, your fingers came to your necklace, turning over the pendant over and over again in a nervous gesture. The glint of the sapphire made your father look over briefly, his own fingers twisting his wedding ring. The whispers of what Larys had told you whirred around your brain and looking at your father now only made them louder. Would he ever have told you about her? For some reason, you don’t think so.

The carriage jolted to a stop, making your heart lurch from your chest.

Ambrose. Risley. Tarth. Thorne.

They echoed like a curse. Like the curse of being a woman.

Your father exited the carriage first, then Helaena, who never released her hand from yours.

“Y/n” she said quietly, in a hushed voice, “Look at me”

You obey her without question.

“...there is a broken shield…the ground opens up…he has black armour…”

She begins her usual babbling when she is nervous, “Helaena..” you say in comfort, trying to use her name to break her from her trance.

Her lilac eyes meet yours and both of her hands hold yours.

“You must be ready” 

And just like that. She is gone.

You watch the back of her disappear in the crowd of her ladies, not knowing anything of what she meant. 

You half-run to your father, taking his hand. His usual smile is something so comforting, but now, on the brink of a marriage proposal, seems so distant. He watches as you smile sadly at him, tears glazing your eyes and his hand rests on your face,

“Oh my sweet girl” he says lovingly, his mouth barely moving beneath his beard.

All notions of doubt were cast away with those words. It reminds you of being a child again. But most of all it serves to remind you that you are his daughter, and he is your father.

You barely register your head leaning against his hand, but before you can find further solace in him, you turn away. What you said with your eyes needn’t be said out loud and your hand lingers in his for a moment before you join the rest of the ladies. One lady in a blush dress is being berated by her father, with words such as ‘stop crying’ and ‘stop this ridiculousness’ being popular phrases.

You walk alongside Lady Lannister, who has resorted to silence, simply staring up at the dark clouds overhead, watching the sun as it tries to force its light between them.

She takes your hand as you file into your seats, all sitting in the front row. Helaena has the centre spot beside you, right opposite where the King would be seated. But he was not here yet and very well may be late to his own tourney.

Your eyes scanned the opposite seats. There was a seat akin to a throne for Aegon, two beside him and another next to those which Alicent was seated in. On Aegon’s left there would be his youngest brother, Prince Daeron and on his right, would be Prince Aemond. But all three were empty. On the other side, sat as surly as ever, was Otto Hightower. It was difficult to know for certain, but his eyes seemed to flit between you and his granddaughter, Helaena. His words were still haunting your idle mind, and it rang there like a curse.

You feel Lady Lannister’s leg twitch with nervousness as you look over to Alicent, nodding when you meet eyes. Her expression is distant and she immediately looks away once she gives a smile of greeting, staring into a random void that was anywhere but here.

A band of at least a dozen men clad in armour began to file onto the field before you, while the staff began to write the schedule on the board for all to see. You watched them write all the names, gut wrenching to see that your name was placed last, right after Lady Lannister. And as well as that, the names of the men who submitted names were also written there.

It made your furrow your brows. All names were in alphabetical order, save yours. And when your eyes spotted your father sat on the opposing stands, his brows were scrunched together in question as well.

A ray of sun poked from between two dark clouds as Aegon advanced to his spot with another silver haired young man, who you presumed was Daeron. Daeron the Daring, they called him, for his endeavours during the Dance. And from this angle, as he sat and observed the people before him, no wonder he had earned the nickname, for he looked every bit as mischievous as you had expected him to be.

The band began to play when Aegon took his seat, initiating the beginning. At this you furrowed your brows. Aemond was not here. A little part of your heart that still had some hope died immediately and your spare hand clenched the skirts of your dress, stress overtook your senses and you felt like you could vomit right there and then.

Helaena leaned to you, “I will not let you go” she whispered.

More cryptic messages, you thought.

“I thank you all for joining me on this joyous day” Aegon���s voice immediately halted everyone, and all eyes were suddenly on him. There was a slight slur to his voice as he continued, “Let the tourney for Queen Helaena’s ladies, begin” 

His eyes were trained on you it seemed as he sat down, a goblet of wine instantly materialising in his hand. The band’s music was a welcome distraction to all the chuntering and whispering going on amongst the ladies, especially the lady who was first to have her hand fought for. Two men mounted their horses in their respective colours and the lady seemed to weep silently just watching. 

She clutched her flowered favour in her hands, almost so tight that she crushed the petals. Other women resorted to letting their eyes wander, and when you did, you could see the outline of Kings Landing with Aegon’s High Hill visible only barely beneath the blanket of dark clouds. 

The clash of swords made you jump in your spot and a high-pitched male cry sounded out, cheers and clapping erupting from the stands as one man was pushed from his horse. A trail of thick blood followed his limping form as he clutched his leg, his ancestral sword still firmly in his grip.

It was only when the winning bachelor raised his sword that his opponent dropped his weapon, “I yield!” he shouts, not wishing to risk either more blood nor his life for the likes of a woman.

More silent tears adorn the lady’s cheeks as she stands, lowering her favour onto the winner’s sword. In truth she may have been more upset at the bloodshed than at the prospect of marrying the victor, for he was known to be quite kind and not bad on the eyes. Nonetheless, she took her seat once more as her flowers decorated the hilt of his weapon and he took his leave with a big grin on his face.

If the first one was quick, the following tourneys were slow. Some of the ladies had as many as six men fighting for their hand, so often it would result in hand to hand combat, with swords swinging, cutting the very air around them. The thud of their swords on shields was enough to send a dull chill into the spines of the spectators, with their hearts making a similar noise.

You look up to see Aegon lean over in his seat, speaking with Alicent. Whatever he asks, he has to repeat over the noise of the band, shouting and cheering and the only thing you read on his lips is ‘Aemond’. Alicent shrugs her shoulders and Aegon turns back to lock eyes with you, peering over the rim of his goblet. Flitting between you and Helaena as if in question.

Otto never takes his firm gaze off you for more than a few moments as the hours drag on.

You finally breathe when the intermission begins. Six out of Helaena’s ten ladies now have their prospective husbands, and at least half of them would not stop weeping. So you followed the ladies as they all crowded to the refreshments, most if not all of the ladies with a generous cup of wine in their hands. When you look across the clearing, something jumps inside your chest when you see your father smiling jovially in conversation with Alicent Hightower and for the first time all day it felt like, she was smiling along with him.

“Lady Highgreen”

The familiar voice of Otto Hightower behind you soured your mood instantly. Begrudgingly, you turn to face him and offer a slight curtsy, not quite making all the effort.

“My Lord Hand, how are you today” you ask flatly, not hiding the annoyance on your features.

Much like you have seen Aemond do with other people, he revels in the discomfort he brings and smiles, “It is a fine day for a tourney” he comments.

Why does everyone keep saying that, you think, it is foul weather.

But you just nod your head, taking a sip of wine and steal a glance at your father. His smile has dropped once he sees who is speaking with you.

When Otto realises you will not dignify him with a response, he continues, “I hope the Prince’s absence is not of your doing” he says.

You cock your head at him, “I know nothing of his whereabouts, Lord Hand”

“Do not play coy with me” he warns, his voice low and serious. Quiet as well, to not upset your father, who is still watching.

Your ring finger taps against the goblet, eyes averted.

“There is no great plot. Whether the Prince is present or not is of no great advantage to me”

“And I was born yesterday” he answers. 

You lock eyes.

“I have not spoken to him. Nor has he spoken to me. As I asked” You counter his words.

“Do you expect me to believe that. Truly?” 

“Believe as you wish, Lord Hand. I have said my truth” 

Otto is about to return the favour, when your father crosses the clearing, intent to talk to you. And like a cockroach in the ray of light, Otto scurries away, not even sending your father a mere greeting.

“What did the Lord Hand want?” your father asks and you’re shocked by his rather serious tone, as he is so usually found with a smile on his face. But now he watches Otto walk away, as if making sure he is truly leaving. Burning a brand into the back of the man’s head.

“He spoke of the tourney, nothing more”

Your father knows this is a lie, but does not explore further as he looks down at you, an ever-fatherly protective expression on his face.

“You are on Otto’s bad side, when you ought to be on his blind side, dear daughter”

“Father?...”

A look flashes across his face and he lovingly places a kiss to your forehead, almost instantly snapping back into his usual persona. You go to open your mouth once more, but in a flash he is gone. And even when you look back across the clearing, Alicent is gone as well. Each of them feeling more like a ghost the longer the day went on.

As you all filed back to your seats, Lady Lannister stuck to one side of you and Helaena to the other, you gripped the favour in your lap. It was a ring of blue flowers, the ones that grew knee high in the fields at Green Hill and the only ones that were native to that region of Westeros. They were tied with white and golden ribbon, colours to reflect House Highgreen once more. 

You watched as the tourney ramped up once more and now with wine in their bellies, it had become significantly more violent. Two young men had already been carried away with what appeared to be life-changing injuries and now it seemed like the men were purely doing it out of enjoyment and not at the prospect of marriage. 

Seven men lined one side of the grounds, their respective betrothed’s favours around their weapons. Then eight. The ninth tourney begins and two of the men who fight for Lady Lannister had also placed their names for you also, but whether that would happen was another thing entirely. Lady Lannister took in a breath and gripped your hand tightly and who were you to refuse her this kindness? This comfort.

The two men grunted like animals, almost matching the sounds their horses were making as the two began to fight. You sit and watch the sun disappear beneath the dark clouds, seeing how the rain begins to fall somewhere far away and threatens to come closer. But just as quickly, the fight is complete and Victor of House Risley lays flat on the floor, his leg facing a direction it most certainly shouldn’t be. His shield that donned his house sigil is completely shattered.

The crowd erupts in applause and Lady Lannister’s fate is sealed with Rickard of House Thorne. Her father across is clapping and nodding in approval as she stands and places her favour on the tip of his sword, watching as it sways to the hilt towards his face, which smiles up at her. He has a kind enough face and you only hope that she is at least happy. When she takes her seat once more, she no longer weeps and does not reach for your hand. It is as if her soul is taking refuge within herself. 

Since Victor is critically injured and Rickard had claimed Lady Lannister as his betrothed, that left two men for you. Marq of House Ambrose and Bryndemere of House Tarth. You swallow dryly and grip the favour, now empathising with what the previous ladies had all felt. Briefly, you look over at your father, almost in a last-ditch effort to plead for him to call it all off. But he merely looks on as Victor is hauled away screaming. By now the ground is wet with blood. 

“I feel sick…” you whisper to yourself. But Helaena must have heard you, as she places her warm, comforting palm on your knuckles, peering over to see your expression. 

“We will not let you go” she says.

The two remaining men enter the field and you hold your breath, fearing that if you let go, so would the dam that was holding your tears back. Marq is wearing silver armour with trims of yellow in reflection of his house and he barely offers a glance in your direction as his squire laces up his gloves. Bryndemere on the other hand, with lance in hand, cannot tear his eyes off you. You think that this is not because of some infatuation, but more so that you two were well-acquainted as children, being distantly related through your mother’s Tarth side. He almost has an sympathetic expression, before placing his lacquered black helmet upon his person, matching with the rest of his armour.

You close your eyes, intent on not watching at all. But the first clash of weapons is too bone-shattering to ignore and you jump in your seat, gripping Helaena’s hand tighter. You feel a protective part of you flare as Bryndemere is flung from his horse, gasping for air as he’s hit square in his chest. His father stands on the opposite side, mouth agape, to see if his son is alright. 

Marq, on the other hand, merely dismounts with a swagger in his step towards him, drawing his ancestral sword from his side to strike down. Once again, a shield is shattered, with its piercing splinters flying about. Marq’s laugh echoes inside his helmet as he raises his weapon to strike.

“I yield!” Bryndemere begs. 

With a sigh, a part of your dam breaks and you close your eyes, several tears fall down your face. Ambrose it is.

Victorious, Marq removes his helmet and revels in the cheers of the audience. His own father is clapping, almost deafening the man next to him. You place Helaena’s hand back on her lap and stand, hand finding purchase on the beam before you when you sway uncontrollably on the spot. When his eyes land on you, you swear it activates a different part of your subconscious that tells you to run. 

But instead he waltzes towards you, extending his sword for your favour.

No sooner do you take one step and the entire audience falls into silence. A great sound is heard like no other that echoes about the deserted land around you. While difficult to describe, it was only akin to the crumbling of stone, the crash of waves against rock and the chaos of a great fire. A single drop of rain falls between your feet when you look around. It seems like the world holds its breath, ready to hear it once more. 

It happens again but closer, all the wind knocked from everyone’s lungs when the very ground sways beneath you, rocking the stands. While it is too close for comfort, a great dragon claw grips the ground behind the stand and the very earth opens up to reveal the damp mud below, the unmistakable tracks left behind. 

With your breath heaving in your throat and ground still moving beneath you like being aboard a ship, you look up. It is distant enough that it’s almost difficult to see, but it is Vhagar’s large head that turns around the stand to let out her famously loud cry, sending the dust in the air vibrating. Your watery eyes track her scales up her neck to her back where there was his silhouette sitting atop the mighty dragon. He was sat calmly, the only movement was his stark silver hair against the darkened clouds. 

Women screamed, some even fainted at the sight of Vhagar. And you did not see, for your eyes were locked on his form, but Aegon and Otto both stood from their seats. Aegon had a confusing look on his face, not able to tell if he was amused or annoyed. Otto on the other hand was seething from head to toe, shaking his fists. Alicent had her hand on her seven-pointed star necklace at her chest. Daeron stayed seated and smiled, as if saying finally, something interesting.

“Aemond…” were the only words that came from your mouth in a whisper. 

Helaena almost laughed with glee.

You can feel the first smattering of rain on the side of your face as the wind picks up, showering droplets onto your face. You swear you see him turn his face down to look at you, but the distance makes it impossible to tell. What you can see is how naturally he dismounts his great dragon, a helmet in the shape of a dragon head in one hand.

Only when he approaches does everyone get a good look at him. His hair is down but pulled away from his face, his eyepatch fixed in place over it. He has one hand on the hilt of his sword and the other is holding his helmet, his gaze is locked on yours for a moment and you forget briefly how to breathe. He doesn’t look anything like you remember him. 

When you think of Aemond and his presence, he seemed stoic, impassive and very much an observer. His aura was intimidating in general, but as time went on this front crumbled before you to reveal a sensitive, emotional human behind it all.

But now. There was something else in his eyes and not necessarily when it was aimed at you, but something had taken root there.

Marq made the mistake of opening his mouth in a smile, “My Prince! So nice to see you”

Aemond didn’t return the greeting, only granting him a darkened look.

“I’ve come to duel for Lady Highgreen’s hand” 

The words that come from Aemond’s mouth almost make you weak and you barely feel Helaena’s kind hands guide you back into your seat, her thumb stroking your skin.

Marq huffs a laugh, “My Prince I am afraid I have claimed her hand for myself already. Fair and square”

Helaena swallows and the audience as well as the band are deathly quiet. Afraid that if one sound was made that it would shatter the tension between them. Aemond’s smile almost makes everyone more uneasy.

“I see no favour on your sword, Lord Ambrose” he draws his own sword slowly and hands it to a squire, who visibly shakes, “Do you refuse your Prince?” he smiles.

Marq swallows dryly, clearly nervous. He knows it, he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. The Prince wishes to toy with him and he is in no position to refuse. Rather, he needs to put up a good fight.

“And where is your name on the board, Prince Aemond?” Marq questions it, but it’s clear from the shake in his voice how he feels, “You would take away what is rightfully mine?”

When Marq talks of you as if you are an object to be bartered for, a noticeable chill runs up your spine. 

Little does he know that his bark is only giving Aemond more satisfaction.

“Hm” he seems amused, “Rightfully or no, duel me or I will take her to Dragonstone myself and make her my wife” 

A few womanly gasps emit from the stand, half in shock at the scandalousness of it, the other half seem to look on smiling. Your breath catches in your throat at the vulgarity of what he threatens Marq with, but in reality, a little part of you that had that love left for him begins to unfurl.

When Aemond gets no response, the squire hands his sword back to him once he’s placed his helmet on and he points the tip towards the Ambrose man.

“Either way, Ambrose, she will be my wife. And she will be mine”

You can’t tell if you’re afraid or thankful for what Aemond says. Your father looks absolutely shocked and you’re not sure if that’s entirely a good thing.

But Marq of House Ambrose, in front of all these people, is not likely to swallow his pride and yield. Instead, he places his own helmet back on and gets into a readied stance. For a brief second you dare to flit across to the King and his family.

Alicent looks half-shocked and half-relieved, Aegon and Daeron are amused. Otto is most certainly not and you dare say, he will make his distaste for it all obvious once the tourney is over, whether the result is favourable to you or not. 

As skilled a swordsman as Aemond is, your heart lurches in your chest at the mere thought of him risking any injury for this. You had thought many men who fought here today were brave and skilful and yet some had lost limbs for the sake of a betrothal. Your fingernail dug into your palm to distract you from the emotional turmoil you felt in this moment. Tugging in two directions. One tugs in the way of heartbreak, the thought that something inside you had been lost forever at the revelation several nights ago. On tugs in the way of hope, a hope that despite all that, he did feel something.

The first clash of swords rings out, followed by a sharp swish as Aemond pushes Marq away with his weapon. You just know that Aemond is smiling beneath the helmet he is wearing, loving the humiliation he imagines Marq must be feeling. The two continue this dance for several minutes, mostly because Aemond revels in the torture that this must be for the audience. Marq delivers his own flat strike onto Aemond’s shoulder and whether he is pretending or not, it clashes on his armour and sends him to his knees. 

In a stroke of confidence, Marq straddles Aemond and attempts to plunge the sword down beneath him with a loud grunt. You wince when he parries it, sending the two longswords flying a fair distance. Aemond hooks his foot beneath Marq’s leg, flipping him so the poor Ambrose man is on his front, writhing around while the Prince’s foot is flat in the centre of his back.

You almost jump out of your seat when Aemond draws his dagger, pulling Marq’s head up from the dirt by his hair to place the blade beneath his neck. It shocks you. You’ve never seen Aemond act so brutal before. And it stirs something inside you which has never seen the light of day before. 

Aemond almost looks bored when he says it.

“Say it” 

“I yield” Marq hisses, but Aemond pulls his hair even more so.

“Louder, so they can hear you” 

Aemond locks eyes with you now and you can see his lilac eye shimmer in the darkness of his helmet.

He sighs when Marq doesn’t respond, so he pushes the dagger so it is flush with the tender skin of his throat.

“I can’t hear you”

“I fucking yield!”

Once Aemond pulls off his helmet, the audience erupts into thunderous applause. He makes no big show about it, egging them on, and instead keeps his eye firmly on you. The rain falls thick and fast now and your waves form locks as they dampen, it makes the dried tears on your face appear as if it’s just rain now and you feel a warm trickle of it run down your neck.

Without breaking his gaze from you, he raises his hand to pull off his eyepatch and stands before you at the stands, bending to pick up his longsword that had been launched in the duel. He twists the hilt in his palm a few times and stays still as the applause continues. 

You look down at him, still clutching your favour in your hand, the petals now moulded to the shape of your grip. For a moment you consider if his mournful look is an apology. As if despite the show he had put on, he was still asking for your hand. And only when he was sure he would be forgiven, would he raise his sword to accept your favour.

He appears tired, you now see. And he thinks the same of you. Weak and pale, as if all warmth has disappeared. It’s here, with the absence of the eyepatch, that you see how red and inflamed his scar looks, and how much he must ache. For a moment, you glance over at Vhagar who is almost watching the interaction with as much interest as the audience, her throat rumbles when your eyes catch her.

Only when you look back at Aemond does he mouth, my love. Almost in a question.

Your body moves before your mind and you stand, letting Helaena’s hand slip out of yours and she watches with a child-like glee at the scene before her. You give a very slight smile as you reach out, the tip of his sword is within reach. The rain penetrates your clothing into your skin as the flowers float to the hilt of his sword, you exhale with a wracked laugh, finally allowing a genuine smile to pass your features.

Aemond looks a mixture of relieved and happy when the flowers reach his sword. He ignores the stares of his family, of your father and of everyone else; his attention is specifically you. And for as long as he lives, will only ever be you.

You barely register Aemond’s arm reaching out to wrap around your waist, suddenly feeling embarrassed when he effortlessly lifts you off the stands. The smile is unmistakable on his face now as the audience shout and cheer for the dramatics the Prince is offering. He leads you by your hand back towards Vhagar, the pleading voice of Alicent and your father becomes muffled and distant. Aemond seems a man charged with power when he lifts you to the saddle in front of him wrapping the reins around your waist.

“Sōvēs” is all he commands to his dragon.

“Aemond…!” you shout in shock as Vhagar lifts her feet to flap her wide wings, naturally grasping his arm to keep you stable. A natural dragon rider, Aemond barely sways in his spot and keeps his arm around your waist as the rain pounds down, mixing with the mud and blood on the tourney grounds. In the distance, as Vhagar lifts to the sky, Marq of House Ambrose is being berated by his father. And you briefly see your father stand where he was sat in the stands, a proud smile on his face. 

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