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khthepowerofmemories · 2 years

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It's been quite a while since I've posted any snippets, so here's a cute chapter that I finally managed to write:

Song listened to while writing: If You Only Knew (Shinedown)

Word Count: 1413

Characters: Akio and Haru

Timeline: Canon timeline

(Akio)

Akio’s relationship with Haru was different from his relationship with Tori—he loved them both, so, so much, but it worked out that way. Feelings were definitely more romantic toward Haru, and warmer and hotter…Tori, on the other hand, told Akio and Haru that she was asexual, and certainly didn’t mind what direction Akio and Haru went with their relationship…

And Akio didn’t have both ‘Other Akio’ and Yami screaming at him that Haru was icky. And so, they spent a lot of time together. But…

Through all that, Akio didn’t know if Haru really…knew him. He didn’t doubt that Haru loved him as he was, and he knew Haru very, very well. He was there, after all, even when the other was in front. And so, he was making things go slow. Trying to judge if Haru really did love him as he was now or if it was…lingering sentiment for who he wasn’t.

He hated the self-doubt, but…he wanted to be himself for longer. Let everyone know him—only Tori truly knew him, after all, but…

It was nice that things were calm. For the most part, they were able to be normal teenagers.

It had been officially decided, by conversations between Kairi and Sora and the school board that Akio would not be attending the school any longer. Akio didn’t get to be part of that decision, unfortunately…He was too physically fragile to return yet, and the school gave them no real other options…he did his best to learn what he could anyway, but it stung.

Still, if that was the only way he couldn’t be normal, even with all the Keyblade stuff—and being so, so frustrated that he was being kept from it—then he would be happy. Normal had never been imaginable…or, it was, but unattainable…

“Akio? You okay?” Haru asked, drawing him from his thoughts. They were walking toward the beach—a request of Akio’s that was only granted when Haru went along, but he wanted to be with Haru anyway—

“Yeah. Sorry. Lots of thoughts today.” He sighed and took a deep breath, trying to get the tension to leave his body. Haru grabbed his hand, and that sent the rest of it away.

“Thoughts are okay, but you were really tense…Not bad thoughts, right?”

“Nothing dangerous,” Akio replied, knowing full well the actual meaning of the words. He had been having some bad thoughts lately, and without anyone to step in the way…well. He was thankful he had Haru and Tori to check in.

“Good.” Haru sighed and squeezed Akio’s hand tighter before gently letting it go

Even after that moment that night after the nightmare—even though it made things so clear—it was still hard to believe that Haru really loved him, not the other Akio. He knew it was true, but still…

Haru grabbed his hand again. “You got tense again.”

“Sorry, sorry. Can’t keep things…present.” Akio sighed and looked away.

Haru paused for a moment before speeding up, altering the path a little bit.

“Where are we going?”

“Trust me, okay?”

“…Okay.”

“There’s just something I want to show you—somewhere on the islands I don’t think you’ve been.”

“Oh?”

They cut into the forest a bit—the small bit that was on the islands, that was. It led up a hill, and to a beautiful overlook.

“You’ve said before that seeing new things helps things be more ‘present’, as you say. So…yeah.”

“Yeah…it does, but—how’d you find this place?” Akio spun in a circle to look around.

Haru smiled, but looked almost…shy. “Well, there have been a couple of things…” He sighed. “When you were unconscious, I had a hard time being by your side. I wandered the islands a lot. That’s when I found this place.”

“Oh…”

“After that, I’ve been going through some of the obscure places I found, trying to figure out how I could…show you these beautiful places. Your health has been touchy, so I’ve been afraid that your mom would get on your back, but…” Haru sighed. “We were close to this one, and…I’m tried of waiting. There’s so much beauty here that you never got to see. And…”

Akio felt himself almost tearing up but swallowed it back. “Haru…”

“I know that this has all been really hard for you too—way harder than it was for me, but…” Haru finally looked back at him. “I’m so happy that I get to be with you now. I did love the other part of you, but I love you now.”

Akio laughed and looked away.

“I’m serious!”

“I know, I know. It’s just…as though you read my mind.”

“Huh?”

“It’s happened before but…I was just worrying today about…if you really know me.”

Haru grabbed his hand. “I don’t fully know you, but that’s okay. What’s life without learning new things about the people you love? Every single day…it never should end.”

“Haru…when did you get so smart?” Akio tilted his head.

“When I thought I lost you forever,” Haru said earnestly.

Akio was quiet for a long moment at that, grabbing Haru’s other hand and looking up into his eyes. Blue, but teal—some mystical thing in between the two colors. He loved Haru so much and he knew…

Akio caught Haru glancing down at his lips before looking up questioningly. Akio smiled and nodded, standing on his toes and grabbing Haru’s chin to press their lips together before Haru had to close the ground.

Haru made a slight noise of surprise before putting his hand gently behind Akio’s head, sighing contently against his lips. Akio had no idea how long to keep a kiss going, but it was nice—soft lips, Haru’s breath, his hand against his head…

Akio gently pushed Haru back and relaxed flat onto his feet as Haru seemed to fully process what had happened. “Whoa…” was all that came from Haru’s mouth.

Akio couldn’t help but laugh at that response. “You should see the look on your face.”

“Hey, don’t laugh. You’re one to talk!” But Haru chuckled too.

“Guess that was our first real kiss, huh?” Akio marveled, honestly overjoyed.

“It was. The last time you weren’t you, and it wasn’t…consensual.” Haru looked away, guilt on his face.

“That’s past now. You’ve grown up a lot.”

“Still—”

“Dummy! Look at me.”

Haru looked at him.

“I’m not mad anymore.”

“I know, but—”

“Then kiss me again, damnit.”

Haru laughed at the response for a moment before pulling Akio into a more passionate kiss, making Akio’s heart race, this one more full of emotion and love and just better.

They finally stepped away from each other before thing time both of them laughed. It wasn’t really funny, per se, but it was fun and just so…normal. Something two normal boyfriends would do, not two that had gone through the shit they’d gone through…

“Akio, I love you,” Haru said, as a fact.

“I love you too,” Akio said, grabbing Haru’s hand.

“I’m guessing any doubts are gone now?”

“For now at least,” Akio said, looking away again. “It’s still not…easy. But I’m so happy to be here, you know?”

“I’m so happy you’re here, too.” Haru sighed and brushed hair away from his Akio’s eyes. “I thought this could never be real, you know?”

“Me too…But…it is.”

“It is!” Haru agreed, more enthusiastically.

After a short pause, Akio asked, “You say there are more places like this that you found?”

Haru nodded. “Yeah. There are. All over the islands.”

“Well, you’ll have to show them to me.”

“Not all in one day. I think this is enough excitement for the day. Don’t want to overdo it.”

“This was a pretty far walk, but I’m feeling fine. But it can be saved for other days.”

“I could carry you back,” Haru teased. “You’re small enough.”

“I’m not small!” Akio complained. “And I don’t need carried.”

“But I could if you needed it.”

“I know.” Akio looked away, blushing slightly.

Haru paused for a long moment. “One more kiss before we go home?”

“Yeah…”

And so, they shared one more kiss, all the better than the first two before stepping apart and joining hands.

“Let’s go home,” Haru said.

Akio smiled and nodded. “Yeah…Let’s go home.”

It was nice to have a happy home to go to, and to walk there with Haru.

As long as they had each other, the worlds felt safe and warm and…right.

(Stay tuned for part two--hopefully tomorrow--from Haru's thoughts)

Edit to add: The comment of 'first consensual kiss' is just a throwback to in Part 1 of the Power of Memories, Haru misreads a moment and kisses Akio, who isn't angry just shoves him back as is his reaction to things at the time (as the 'Other Akio' was mostly in control)

#my writing #series: the power of memories #oc: akio #oc: haru #oc ship: akio/haru #short #canon short #fanfiction #kingdom hearts fanfiction

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risingwolf97 · 1 year

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Nocturnal Midset #1 (Featuring my 7 personas)

Nighttime. Body rest mode activated. Commence Sleeping in 3...2...1...

Eren (F/30yrs.): Okay our girl is down for the night again. Let's go over her stats for the day. Shall we everyone?

Christina (F/25yrs.): Alright I'm first. Today was my day to be in primary charge. So obviously she took it easy today. Thank Bast, it's not a school day! She would have been wiped out otherwise. Anyways mostly was spent playing The Sims 4 and a little bit of other crap too. The rest can fill you in for that stuff.

Eren: Thank you Chris. Now who's next?

Daniella (F/4billion+/25yrs): Our girl lost her cool at her game crashing and all her stuff in her library disappearing. I had her throw a pillow at a wall and scream. Don't worry, she didn't break anything [mutters] to my disappointment she didn't flip out worse. I gotta fix that later.

Eren: O...Kay...Who's next?

Ivory (F/25): That would be me. Our girl made dinner. A simple meal of spaghetti and meat chunks. She also made some fresh Texas toast to go with it. I also had her clean out her emails and reorganize her files. Plus she posted on Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter and watched a few TikToks and YouTube videos.

Eren: And that's the reason you're the smart one of us! Who else?

Vivianna [Ivy] (F/14yrs.) I really didn't have much to do aside from watching her vitals and making sure she did her bathroom business today a.k.a. BORING SH*T!! I was more productive in my realm than out here in HQ! By Apollo's bright shield! Why is our girl getting older!? She never has time for FUN anymore! The only reason she did the game today was because I put it in the docket for Chris's tasks! I could have done it myself but alas, duties called me back home for a while this afternoon.

Ivory: Oh? And what duties would those be?

Ivy: [blush]...you know...marital duties...and you won't be getting anything else from that!

Eren: Alright, okay. Before the young one has an aneurysm, Big voice! Anything to add?

Big Voice (my actual voice): Nope! Our girl had a small headache earlier this evening and she took medication for that. I told Chrissy to put on some calming music for our girl to sleep too. Oh! There was one more thing. HE is back and I'm not sure what to do.

{collective gasps of shock}

Eren: What you mean--

Jackie (M/26yrs): I'M BAAAACK B*TCHES!!!! Did ya miss me? Because I've missed you! *Jumps onto Ivy's desk* My oh My! How things have changed in 20 years of isolation. *Gasps* is that YOU little Vi? My goodness you've grown up! How old are you now? 18? 21?

Ivy: [bristles in fear] I'm almost 14 and 1/2. Hello Jackie.

Daniella: [angrily shouts] WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE!?! I THOUGHT ISOLATION MEANT A PERMANENT PURGE!! Just like with our girl's imaginary "friends"!!

Jackie: Well ya got me!? One minute I'm chilling in my isolation chamber and suddenly it cracks and breaks open. I'm free for the first time since my girl was almost 6! Woo-Hoo!! *Dances a jig*

Ivory: I'm sorry, approximately HOW long ago did it break?

Jackie: Oh in July...

Christina: JULY!?! That was 10 months ago! Why would it--

Eren: Oh my creator...it...it couldn't have...

Ivory: What? Spit it out witch!

Eren: Remember when host body got news she lost her dad in a car accident?

{they all nod}

Eren: That is probably when his chamber broke. Our girl's emotional state was almost zombie like for 3 weeks. Then came the actual insanity! We blamed Dani for that!

Dani: and I'm STILL pissed about that!

Ivory: Now we know...

Jackie: Yeppers! That's what would do it! A strong enough out of control situation would bring me back! Just like when host body's aunt and sister moved out. That's when I was sealed away. Host body became miserable and could barely keep up with home life! Why I bet the passing thought of running away came up A LOT in meetings. Now. What have I missed?

#night trip #dissociative personality disorder #personalities #7souls

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per1shed · 2 years

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Heyy my dearest<3 I was planning to update you when the person asks me out/he did not/ but it was the last thing on my mind, I still know it's gonna happen (do I sound delusional) and we met really randomly I was out with my friends and he was with his next to our table and my friend (in a silly goofy mood already🥃) asked them to sit with us. anyways are you also struggling with things sm more these days like something's in the air and everyone pretty much feels this way I feel like?? I've been having really bad anxiety and moments of depersonalisation which I'm not used to bc it'd been happening very rarely. I'm in a constant state of dread I'm back to fighting to even step outside on my own. I already told you this once so now it's even worse.😭 Also to update you I applied to some schools again in different cities but rlly diverse majors but I'd go for arts.. I think staying in hometown is making me worse I fear going to places bc of past memories and people here. The other day I told my dad about this anxiety as I'm not able to work in an enviroment with customers and believe me I'm trying my best to find something I'd be able to do and not to feel like the most stupid person.. so he compared it to some sunstroke as a joke basically told me to get over myself i guess, questioning what I could be possibly anxious about. Yet I'm over here being proud of myself for going for a walk and a shop today.

Sorry for this long msg, I've seen some of your posts and I think of you wishing you are well, let me know how you doing, good night love 💌

heyy my love <3 did he ask you out yet? it sounds like such a good time ^_^ i wish i could help you with the depersonalization.. the only thing i can tell you is that the best way to make it stop is to stop fighting it, it helped me a lot when i started accepting it. it’s can be very scary but just know that it won’t stay forever esp when you know it can’t cause you harm and you’re not going crazy! also the “staying in my home town is making me worse”, you have no idea how much i relate. if you can, go away as soon as you can. i hope you get accepted at one of the schools soon, i promise a change of location can do so much for your mental health. also, maybe a customer service job isn’t for you? or maybe one where you don’t have to deal with a big amount of customers, like a book store? ive always dreamed of that for some reason. i’m sorry your dad reacted that way :( there’s a million things one can be anxious about. esp customer service, i think even people that don’t struggle with anxiety will struggle at some point. and i’m really proud of you too! every little thing counts<3 and i’m just getting through the days, my moms away for 2 weeks bc she had surgery so i’m really just anxious about how everything is gonna work out at home with me. someone else is gonna cook and clean and take care of stuff but still, im worried. and lonely. </3

#anon

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t0shii · 3 years

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% comforting them when they're upset

.! oikawa, tsukishima, matsukawa (sep) x gn!r

.! angst + fluff/ breakdowns, crying, etc. lightly proofread bc im lazy so sorry for any mistakes.

.! im so sorry if this is absolute word vomit or horse shit 😭 i tried my best though 😌 uhhh sorry for not posting yesterday i got my daith pierced and i was in a lot of pain after that so i didnt feel like writing anywho enjoy this 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 p.s. i was originally gonna write for mad dog but i was struggling so i went with mattsun instead sorry. also idk why matsuns ended up being so short i didnt do him justice i apologize 😩

oikawa

— always gets discouraged when his knee bothers him. today was one of those days. his coach had made him sit out of practice because he had been limping a bit. he came home distraught and you noticed right away.

"what's the matter toru?" you asked opening your arms for a hug, which he accepted, wrapping his arms around your middle quite tightly. "my knee is bothering me again 'n coach made me sit out. it's just not fair." he mumbled into your shoulder. you could feel his tears soak through your shirt. you nodded and responded, "baby, he just doesn't want you to hurt yourself. i know it's not fair but-", "but i wanna play volleyball, i wanna get better and practice." he said, aggravated that you weren't exactly on his side, still he held you tighter.

"toru, baby, look at me." he does as told, and you bring your hands up to wipe his tear stained cheeks,"toru, you can't strain your knee anymore than you already do, you know this. i know you only want to play volleyball, baby i know, but you have to be patient." he nods in agreement and you do the same, then guiding his head back to your shoulder, "i know it's frustrating toru, but you can't force it, y'know? he wouldn't make you sit out if it wasn't for your best interest. you know that, deep down."

the two of you had been cuddling on the couch, his back against your chest when you heard him sniffling again, "toru, what's wrong?" you ask softly, sitting up slightly. "i'm so useless, my own knee can't even work right. the team deserves someone better and so d-do you" he hiccuped, hiding is face in his hands. you felt guilty for not comforting him more earlier. "toru, that's not true at all." you stated, forcing his hands into yours, "take it back right now." he looked at you confused. "toru oikawa i said take it back right this instant." you said a little sterner than before.

"no." he managed to get out through sobs, and you knew the stern method wasn't going to work this time around. "toru, please. you're not useless at all, not to anyone, not to the team, and especially not to me. you're the best teammate, friend and boyfriend anyone could ever ask for and your knee just needs a break sometimes, you just need a break sometimes and thats okay. needing a break doesn't make you useless or weak, toru." you say softly, guiding him to a sitting position, hugging him closely and tracing small, comforting shapes on his back.

"you're so so strong toru, and you're an amazing person, an amazing boyfriend, you're such an amazing volleyball player and i'm so proud of how far you've come since highschool." you say, kissing the crown of his head. "you mean it?" he asks leaning back to look at you, "i always do, toru. i love you more than anything, and i'm so so fucking proud of you, but you have to know, it's okay to need a break sometimes and it doesn't change who you are as a person and it definitely doesn't make you weak or useless. he nods in response, burrying his head into the crook of your neck. you both stay like that, you whispering words of affirmations, him listening fondly until he feels better a little while later.

tsukishima

— he usually didn't let the stress of professional volleyball get to him like this, but he couldn't help it he would be lying if he said he wasn't overwhelmed, from interviews, to extra practice to prepare for the overseas games he had coming up, he was exhausted, to add onto it all he had been neglecting you and he felt horrible for it.

you knew practice was going to be running late since your boyfriend had told you in advance, so you weren't initially worried as to why kei had been coming home late at night. this night in particular was the fourth night in a row kei been home late and you starting to grow concerned. you hadn't seen him hardly at all that week, which was unusual because he always made time for you no matter what. worried, you decided to stay awake and wait for him to get home.

when the time finally comes, your heart dropped at his appearance, he looked absolutely horrible, as if he hadn't slept right in weeks. "why are you up?" he mumbled, taking his shoes off rather sloppily, uncharacteristic of him. you made your way closer to yoir exhausted boyfriend, "kei, i'm worried about you. i know you don't like me meddling with your career, and please don't misunderstand my concern for that. i'm just worried you aren't getting enough rest and i've barely seen you at all this week." you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

you knew something was wrong when you saw the tear swell in his eyes, but he just stood there awkwardly, you walked closer toward him, "kei, what's wrong?" you ask, extending your arms toward him, which he basically fell into, he started sobbing immediately, shocking you initially. "i'm s-sorry for neglecting you this week, i didn't mean to i-i just-", "kei, i'm not worried about that, i'm worried that you aren't taking care of yourself properly." you mumble, patting his back comfortingly. to which he shakes his head no."work has been too much recently, i can't sleep and i barely have time to even think. its just practice, interviews, practice, interviews i-i can't handle it all anymore, y/n." he sobbed into your shoulder, you were speechless at his vulnerability.

"kei,-", "but i can't stop now because that'll make me a failure and i don't want to let you down and the team too, i just want to make everyone proud but i think i'm falling behind." he cried, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. "kei, you could never let me down. actually, i think i've been letting you down recently, i don't tell you this enough but, i'm so so proud of you kei, so proud you don't even understand, i'm sorry for not expressing that enough to you. i understand that you feel as if you're falling behind but overworking and stressing yourself out isn't going to help you improve, kei, and i know you also know that."

"you're working yourself sick, kei and i can't stand here and continue to let that happen so you're taking a day off whether you like it or not. tomorrow will be a me and you day, how does that sound? i'll call your coach in the morning." honestly, you wouldn't have let him say no anyways, and he knew that so he just nodded his head. "look at me kei, you have to tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed. it's not good to keep things in like this, it's just like you tell me." he nods his head, but avoids eye contact, "and i'm not disappointed or upset at you, you know. but i can't read your mind, so please just tell me when things start to feel like they're crashing down on you 'kay? i'll help you just like you help me." you smile, he looks at you and nods, hugs you closer and whispers an "i love you" into your ear, which you return.

matsuwaka

— you knew his work was stressful and emotionally and mentally exhausting, so there were always worries in the back of your mind that he would become too overwhelmed, well today your worries became reality.

"welcome home issei." you called from the kitchen as your boyfriend walked through the door, though he offered you no response, which made you frown. "issei?-" you gasped when you felt a pair of strong arms sneak their way around your waist, "jesus, issei, you scared me!" you giggle placing your hands atop of his own, but you realized he was not laughing with you. "issei, baby?" concern laced in your tone as you maneuvered your way around to face him, "what's wrong baby?" you ask, taking his face in your hands to wipe at escaping tears.

"work was rough today." was all he said as he melted at the feeling of your thumbs running back and forth on his cheeks. "oh issei, i'm sorry." you mumbled, kissing the tip of his nose lightly, "is there anything i can do to help?" he didn't know why but something inside of him snapped when you asked him that, and sobs escaped his lips, he could only hide his face in the space between your neck and shoulder because for some reason he felt... ashamed to be crying in front of you like this. "please just hold me." he cried, so you did just that, shushimg him when his sobs got violent, rubbing your hand up and down his back soothingly.

the both of you stood there for a good 15 minutes before you spoke up after he had calmed down a bit, "is there anything you need to get off your chest? you don't have to tell me now or even at all but i want you to know that whatever is bothering you, you can tell me, anything at all. i know your job is mentally exhausting and honestly i dont even know how you do it but i dont want you thinking you have to carry the burden of it alone, okay? i'm so proud of you, so so so proud of you issei, i just wanted you to know that."

you felt him nod in the crook of your neck, a soft, "thank you." sounding shortly after, "of course." you responded, kissing his shoulder a few time.he wasn't sure when he would feel completely ready to get things off his chest but he felt loved knowing that you would always be there to comfort him, and for that he was forever grateful.

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thedaredevilsgirl · 3 years

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Dear Teacher - Part 2

warnings: teacher and student relationship (The reader is between 19 and 25 years old and please don't get involved with your teachers) angst,fluff, smut (fingering, unprotected sex -Please use a condom- dirty talk)

Word count: 3342 (surely the most I have ever written)

N/A: Hey, many people were asking, so I brought you part two of dear teacher, I hope you like it.I am creating a taglist, message me if you want to be added 💖💖

Part 1

When Tom woke up on Saturday morning he was disappointed to realize that you were no longer there, for a moment he thought that maybe it had all been a dream or just his imagination playing with him, but something inside him knew that no, that the incident had really happened.

"Incident" was how Tom was referring to the whole of Friday night. It had been a bad idea, he knew, meeting you at that bar, inviting you to sit with him, kissing you, taking you to his apartment, and everything that happened after that. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it.

MONDAY:

Tom was nervous. It was the first time he had seen her since Friday and he still didn't know how to handle it.

You walked into the auditorium that morning and it seemed that fate loved to play with you as the two of your gazes met almost instantly, he swallows dryly and you blush before quickly looking away and running to your seat at the back of the room.

"Good morning everyone" He says starting his class, everyone in the room answers him quickly.

"Good morning Mr. Holland" Cindy, one of your students, says cheerfully "Looks like you had a great weekend" she points to a small purple spot on your neck, all the students start laughing as soon as she notices it. You sink into your chair, wanting to hide, mortified with embarrassment, remembering very well that you made that mark on Tom who was blushing in front of everyone's eyes.

"Anyway" he huffs loudly taking the students' attention back to class "I've corrected your Brontë sisters' papers, I'm happy to say that we got very good grades, but only one got a top grade, I'll give it back to you Wednesday" he says before continuing his lesson.

•─────✧─────•─────✧─────•

The class passes slowly, like torture for both of them, they just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. They needed to talk about what they had done, but they were more than happy not to do that today.

"That's all for today, remember to turn in your next paper on Monday and get ready for the debate next month, see you all on Wednesday" he says to everyone as his class ends. Slowly the room starts to empty, but you can't get out as a hand grabs your wrist making you turn to see who it was.

"Y/N" Mike, the boy who had missed your date on Friday was standing there holding your hand "I just wanted to apologize again for not coming on Friday, I didn't mean to ruin your weekend kitten" he apologizes.

"It's okay, really, you didn't ruin my weekend" you answer politely.

"If you want" he says getting closer to you "We can reschedule, I promise I won't cancel this time" he gives you a conquering smile.

Tom settles back in his chair, moving his hands nervously across his lap. He didn't want to hear your conversation, but as soon as he heard no names being called he started to pay attention, he had no right to be jealous, you weren't his girl, but he hoped you wouldn't accept it, you deserved much better than that boy in front of you.

"Mike, I'm sorry, but I can't accept it" You say, trying to be polite and pulling away from him a little.

"Just a date kitten" Tom rolls his eyes from where he was sitting, did he not understand what no was?

"We better just be friends" you dismiss yourself before leaving the room.

"Girls" the idiot says before leaving the room.

TUESDAY:

Thomas only saw you once that day, talking to your friends in the hallways.

He felt your gaze on him, which made his heart beat faster, and when he returned your gaze you looked away, blushing at having been caught in the act.

As he lay in his bed that night, the memories came back, he was beginning to hate it. Avoidance and being avoided, the two of them should talk about what happened instead of pretending not to and acting like children.

WEDNESDAY:

You were pacing back and forth in the hallway, debating with yourself, trying to decide whether or not to go into that office.

This morning, as Tom walked around the room handing out corrected papers to his students, he left his paper on your desk whispering a congratulations before moving on to the next student. You saw the top grade written on the first page and a little yellow post-it note placed there saying "Meet me in my office at 18:00, please".

It was still 17:50, you could still get away from there and that conversation, but you didn't want to, as nervous as you were you knew what you needed to do. You knock on the door and open it just as you hear a "come in" coming from inside.

"You came" he says getting up from his chair and gives you a shy smile.

"You asked..."

"I didn't think you would actually come."

"I think we really should talk Mr. Holland" you says nervously looking down at her own feet so she doesn't have to face him.

"Mister Holland?" He asks "I thought i asked to call me Tom"

"I can't do that"

"I understand" His voice, there was something different in it, hurt perhaps.

A silence fills the room for a few minutes before he begins to speak.

"I'm sorry about Friday."

"Why are you apologizing?" You asks without understanding.

"I just...thought you..." He sighs walking over to stand in front of your desk, only a few steps away from you.

"I don't regret what we did" You speak as soon as you realize where your speech was going.

"No?" He finally looks directly at you.

"No, my God, I loved every part of that night" a small smile appears on his lips which fades soon after as you continue to speak "But that doesn't mean it wasn't wrong, we shouldn't have let it get to that point".

"I know it wasn't, I know...it was so wrong"

For some reason it was painful to be in that room without being able to touch him again.

"I really wish I wasn't your teacher" he walks towards you "To have met you at another time, maybe then I could have had you to myself, take you out without fear of anyone seeing us, hold your hand, kiss you" His hand caresses your face and you close your eyes leaning in to feel his touch more "I wanted so much Y/N, I wanted to make you my girl...I really like you"

"Thomas, I like you too..." You sigh, your heart aching with every word spoken "But sometimes liking isn't enough for two people to stay together."

"I know, and that's the part that hurts the most" He forehead rests against yours, both of you with your eyes closed, in-between sloshed breaths that were already mingling, Tom felt a tear run down his cheek, your mouths so close "Y/N..."

"Thomas..."

"Tom man, we are late, your brothers will kill us if we are late again" Someone says opening the door suddenly just as you and he are about to kiss. The two of you quickly walk away panting for breath trying to recover from the moment, Tom quickly wipes the tear from his face. A tall blond man that you had seen other times in the halls together with Tom looks at you not understanding anything.

"Am I interrupting something?" the blond man asks suspiciously.

"No" the two of you answer quickly.

"Harrison, this is my student, Y/N" Tom introduces the two of you, perhaps as a way to change the subject "Y/N, this is Harrison Osterfield, professor in the physics department and my best friend".

"It is a pleasure to meet you Miss Y/N" He extends his hand to greet her " I have heard Tom compliment you several times, always saying that you are the best student in your class".

"My pleasure Mr. Osterfield" you shake his hand "I think he is just exaggerating a lot, anyway, I better go, I don't want to get in the way anymore, bye" you take your things and leave the room leaving the two men alone there.

"Wait a moment" He say to Harrison before coming after you.

He holds your wrist and makes you look at him, honestly he almost didn't care anymore that the two of you were standing in the middle of the empty university hallway.

"Y/N please" he says.

"Please what?" you say hurt "Do you want me to stay here? To fight for a passion that is doomed to fail? Something that could end my life at this university or end your career?

"Don't talk like that, we can make it work" he says hurt.

"I wish I was brave enough to try, I swear I do" you let go of his hand "But I'm not, it was just one night stand sex and as much as I like you I know that the sooner we get over it and move on the better, for both of us" you turn and walk away, leaving Tom standing there alone in the hallway with his hurt.

THURSDAY:

Your heart was still hurting. Last night you collapsed on your knees as soon as you got to your dorm room and let the tears finally fall, you were lucky you didn't have a roommate so you could cry all day long without having to answer questions about why you were so bad. And you cried until your eyes hurt, screamed against your pillow until your throat burned, let the sadness leave your body until you finally gave in to tiredness and went to sleep.

Tom was no better off than you, he spent the whole dinner with your family quiet while everyone else at the table talked, he wished so much that he wasn't in love with you, he wished it really had only been one-night stands, maybe then he wouldn't feel like he could die at any moment if he didn't have you by his side.

In different places, but sharing the same pain.

FRIDAY:

Tom looked across the room at you, his eyes red and his expression sad, it looked like you had been crying all night, and you really had, he wanted to go over there and hug you and tell you that everything would be okay, but he couldn't.

If they had thought Monday's class had been torture, this was something worse. Tom gave his class trying to avoid looking in your direction, while you couldn't pay attention to anything that was being said, you just wanted to go back to your room and cry some more. It was the last class of the day so you ran to your room as soon as it was over.

•─────✧─────•─────✧─────•

Tom was tapping his pen frantically on his desk, he should have been correcting his students' work but his mind was elsewhere and his head hurt like it was going to explode at any moment.

"Okay, what the fuck is going on?" Harrison asks, he was with Tom in his office and was starting to get irritated with his best friend.

"What?" Tom asks waking up from his thoughts.

"Tom you've been acting weird all fucking week, you spent the entire Wednesday dinner quiet a thing you don't often do."

"I don't know what you are talking about" he pretends to be paying attention to the papers in front of him.

"Does it have anything to do with that girl who was here?" he asks curious, Tom doesn't answer which only confirms Harrison's thoughts "Oh my god, it has everything to do with her doesn't it?".

"I really don't want to talk about it"

"You like her, that's why you're all emotional, because you can't be with her" Harrison speaks and Tom wonders when did his best friend get so good at unraveling his feelings.

"I had sex with her on Friday" Tom admits at once, his friend had already figured out pretty much everything so there was no reason to keep secrets anymore.

"WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THAT?" he practically shouts.

"Can you keep it down please, you're acting like a teenager, we passed that stage a long time ago and I don't want the whole campus to find out."

"I'm not the one acting like a teenager, you are, getting all angry and quiet over something that can easily be resolved" Harrison rolls his eyes as he states the obvious.

"She doesn't want me Harrison, she likes me, but she doesn't want me, she's scared and I can't judge her because I am too, this could destroy my teaching career and end her reputation here"

"Tom, isn't she one of the students graduating this year?" Harrison asked even though he already knew the answer.

"Yeah"

"Dude, she's graduating in less than 5 months and you're telling me that the two of you can't keep this relationship a secret for 5 months?"

"I..." Tom hadn't stopped to think about it.

"I'm sure you two can make it work."

"What if she's not willing to try?"

"You should at least try, Holland, go out there and fight for your girl" He encourages his friend.

"I think you are right, I will do it".

"Of course I'm right" He smiles smugly "Anyway, I don't want to have to put up with your sadness any longer" He says laughing.

•─────✧─────•─────✧─────•

It was almost midnight when you hear someone knocking on your dormitory door, you get out of bed and go to open the door.

"Thomas what are you doing here?" You ask as you see him standing outside, he walks into your dorm still without giving any explanation, you close the door and turn to see him "What kind of idiotic idea is this to come to my dorm, someone could see you here, how would we explain this?" You ask in an agitated manner.

Tom doesn't answer at first, he just looks at you, the baggy sweatshirt too big for your body, the hair tied back with a few strands falling in front of your face and the glasses on the end of your nose, and he can't resist. He walks toward you and kisses you, holding your face between his hands, his hands against your chest as you respond to his kiss, his heart beating hard in his chest and the sense of relief that he is kissing you again after what seems like the longest week of his life.

"I'm sorry" he says pulling away "I didn't come to do this, I just wanted to talk and..."

"It's okay" he fixes his glasses on his face.

"Y/N, I really like you, this is so stupid, I just... I want to try this, it's only five months until you graduate, we can make it...

"Tom" you try to interrupt him but he keeps talking non-stop.

"...to do this, I'm sure it wouldn't be easy at first and it's not the kind of relationship that's ideal or the relationship that someone like you deserves..."

"Tom" calls him again.

"But I'm willing to try, for you, for us, I want to try..." You kiss him again making him stop talking.

"I'm willing to try Tom" you say between kisses and he smiles "For us"

"I didn't think you would accept, I was already preparing myself for a no" you both laugh.

He sits down on your bed and pulls you to sit on his lap with each leg on one side of your body, he takes the glasses off your face and places them on your desk before kissing you.

"Damn, I missed that" he sighs between the kiss.

"It's literally only been a week" you say smiling.

"Really? It's felt like forever" he kisses you more intensely this time, his hands gripping your hips tightly making you move over his lap, the kisses slide down your face to your neck, you throw your head back.

"Tom" you say his name as a plea, his hands slide up your thigh squeezing you firmly.

"What do you want princess?" He asks with his head in the curve of your neck before leaving a small bite in that region.

"You, Thomas, I need you" you slowly roll over in his lap feeling his already hard length under you "please".

He smiles smugly at your response. Your sweatshirt is removed leaving you in just your panties and Tom lays you down on your bed placing his body on top of yours .

"This has been the most torturous week of my life" he removes the rest of his clothes and throws them on the floor "I couldn't get you out of my mind" he leaves a kiss on her neck exactly where he had "I thought about how I wanted to feel you again" the kisses descend to the top of her breasts and one of his hands grab her thigh wrapping her leg around his waist while the other goes down to her intimacy pulling her panties apart just enough for two fingers to touch them "That pussy is so wet, all this for me honey? "

"Yes, all for you Tom" he smiles at her answer before penetrating her with his fingers causing a quiet moan to come from her lips.

"Good girl."

"Your girl" you sigh ecstatic with pleasure.

"Fuck" Tom kisses you again, your words making him even harder than he already was "Say that again " he thrusts his fingers inside you reaching that wonderful spot inside you.

"I.Am.Your.Girl."

"My girl."

He had barely started and you were already so close, but he doesn't let you get there, teases you to the edge before stopping and doing it all over again.

"Please stop teasing me, I'm so close" you beg.

"No princess, I want you to cum around my dick" He says pulling his fingers out of you and removing your panties before turning you both over on the bed making you stand on top, he sits against the headboard as you rest your hands on his shoulders "now ride me like the good girl I know you are".

You sit on his member feeling him fill you completely, you both moan the moment you are finally together, standing still for a moment to get used to his size. Moving slowly until you finally get into a rhythm.

"So so good" he moans, his hand gripping her throat the way he remembered he had made her go crazy last time "So beautiful riding my dick" his other hand leaves a slap on her ass making her moan his name out loud as she throws her head, back rolling over in his lap .

"Tom I'm so close" you say as he gives you a push with his hips making his cock hit your G-spot, his hand making circular motions against your clit this time.

"Come to me then baby" he says and with a few more movements you are enjoying his wrist making you come next, your head falls on his shoulder and he spreads kisses down your neck as you recover from your recent orgasm.

•─────✧─────•─────✧─────•

You were wearing your shirt now, your head lying on his chest as he stroked your hair.

"You'll still be here when I wake up, right?

"Well this is my dorm so I can't leave" you say as a joke.

"I'm serious Y/N" he says laughing.

"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere" you smile fondly returning to lie on his chest closing your eyes almost falling asleep with his affection.

"Good, I don't want you to leave, I want you forever" he kisses the top of your head before falling asleep with you in his arms, no goodbyes this time.

#tom holland imagine #tom holland one shot #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland smut #tom holland x you

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serenityseventeen · 3 years

Text

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Second Letter

----------------

To: Yoon Jeonghan

From: Y/N

Dear Jeonghan,

I hope everything's going well with you, wherever you are. I'm writing you a letter without knowing where you are so even if I did ever decide to send this letter, I wouldn't know where to mail it.

Are you doing well? Why don't you call me? Contact me somehow? Why don't you say something to me? Don't you have anything you want to say to me? Oh right, you don't have my number. I don't know any of your social media accounts and you don't know any of mine. I can search on Facebook for you, through a thousand different “Yoon Jeonghan” profiles, but what would be the point?

Actually, I'm angry with you. I'm really angry and I'm a bit heartbroken too because you just took my heart and left.

Why didn't you tell me beforehand?

I waited for you to return. I spent the rest of my freshman year waiting and I even waited through my summer break, hoping that maybe you'd come back or send a letter. School starts in a month and you still aren't here. I don't know what I feel toward you anymore because you're gone. Do I love you since I'm angry at you like this?

From the first day we met, I could tell we didn't match. I don't even know why you pursued me. You joined the basketball team and whenever you had games, you wanted me to come to watch. I didn't know why so I refused the first few games.

We had many classes together, you know that. Did you use the advantage of being in the same classes as me to try to get to know me? What were your intentions when you asked me if I had lunch? Why did you always ask my friends if I was eating well?

I have so many questions I'm dying to ask now that you're gone. One day you were laughing, joking with me while I watched you practice basketball and the next day you suddenly disappeared. One day of absence turned into months, then half a year. I didn't want to ask but I was dying to know.

Then, the answer finally came.

You moved?

Why didn't you tell me anything?

I thought we were developing something special, was that only me? I thought that you liked me, that's why you did so many things to me, making my heart race and pound. Am I wrong?

If I am wrong, why did you do it?

Maybe I'm completely getting the wrong idea and the sudden move wasn't your fault. I bet that it wasn't your fault. I'm just angry that you didn't inform me. Not everyone moves houses in one day, it takes a lot of planning, doesn't it?

Now I'm just left here, confused.

Now I'm just left here, reminiscing about my second love that disappeared. I'm still remembering the first day we met when you bumped into me at the stairs and held me to keep me from falling backward.

Jeonghan, just, where did you go?

I know this message will never reach you anyway, anyhow, so I'll tell you this much.

Because of you, I changed. Hanging out around a mischievous guy like you made me pick up your habits. Before I knew it, I was playing small pranks on my dad and enjoying it, just like when you and I teamed up to prank the gym teacher into thinking that he had sat on a freshly painted bench. I can still remember how long I laughed because of it.

I still have the pen that you forgot when you were here to study with me. My father constantly asks me where you are and I always reply that I don't know because I don't know.

You came by twice every week for three months because you wanted me to tutor you. I don't know if I became a sheep to you but even though I knew you were gifted intelligent, I tutored you anyway. Jeonghan, you were one of those people who didn't need to study to ace a test. Even your methods of trickery are intelligent.

So as I reminisce, I also wonder why you would do something like that if you didn't like me. You were the one who told me that all men act like this, wanting to be around someone, making up excuses to stay close, and doing things they won't normally do if they like someone. Was that all a trick, Jeonghan?

Not only did you study with me but you studied the times that my dad was gone and came by when he wasn't here. You were respectful toward my dad and kind too, so I wondered how you could have such a naughty nature but at the same time be so caring.

It was one of those days when my dad went to work that you came over. Look, I was so confused that's why I kept stuttering. I knew that you weren't supposed to be at my house at that time of night so we stayed on the porch, gazing at the fallen sky. What were you thinking about? You stared for a long time and didn't say a word. It was the middle of winter too and you came by with your hands tucked in your puffy black jacket with your nose cutely red. You remember this night, don't you? If you don't, I'd go even more nuts than I did.

Why did you kiss me that night?

I mean, we weren't even talking, just gazing at the sky where stars were barely visible. Then all of a sudden, you said, “Look at me.”

I turned to you and then all of a sudden, you kissed me. I honestly didn't expect to get a kiss this early in my life and for it to be from you, the second love who disappeared, I can't be any more disappointed.

Jeonghan, the thief.

Your lips were cold at first but then they grew warm. I'm also sorry if I didn't know how to kiss. I just went with the flow and followed the way your thin lips moved against mine. Your hand also touched my neck as you kissed me, I could still feel the warmth of it lingering on my skin.

After you left that night after kissing me quietly, making my heart burn in the cold night, you stroked my hair. I ran inside my room and rolled on my bed, wanting to scream on my bedsheets because my lips have finally been pressed against another man. A boy that I liked at that.

How about you?

Do you think about that night at all?

It was about two days before you moved away.

Strangely, the next days, you continued to talk to me as if you didn't kiss me the days before. I was confused but since I was naive, I just believed that's how it went for everybody.

Also, because of that kiss, I began to notice your gaze. Maybe I could have noticed something in those two days before your departure. I just remember seeing you gazing at me with different eyes. I want to believe that you had fallen for me, but because of you, I'm being delusional like this.

The only way to know is when you finally decide to speak it true somewhere and it reaches me.

In this letter to you, I just can't help expressing the emotions I'm feeling. I have nowhere else to rant and I need you to know about my feelings though you'll never receive this letter.

Gosh, writing this letter makes me remember the weekend that you took me biking on a couple bicycle. Why did you ask me to go with you when you were leaving the next day? It's not like you at all. Knowing you for those short six months, you would have just told me with a pitiful face, “I'm going to move.”

Instead, you kissed me and decided to take me biking. I can still remember that grin on your face when you came to my house and said, “Hop on, Y/N.”

The wind that hit my face that day was amazing and my heart was racing just to have my hands around your waist.

Because of you, I became rebellious for the first time. I never disobeyed my father. He told me to go buy groceries that day and I went on a bike ride with you, enjoying the chilly winter breeze and ditching groceries. When we arrived at the basketball court, I watched and played a bit of basketball with you. Do you know what that means, Jeonghan?

Were you aware this whole time of my feelings? I know you can read other people's expressions well.

I can't understand you, Jeonghan. I don't think I ever will unless you come back and tell me.

I won't believe what any of your friends say even if it's the only source I have. ‘You moved away because a different high school was giving you bigger opportunities’, how am I supposed to believe that? In the middle of the school year?

Now, all I can do is sigh.

I won't wait for you anymore. That's why I'm just going to leave it. I loved you. Now, you're just one of the boys I've loved. I'm not going to spend the rest of my summer waiting to find a needle in a haystack.

I'll remember how I loved you. I'll remember how you changed me. I'll remember how loving you changed me.

I'll wonder sometimes about what we could have been if you didn't leave. If you didn't leave, I think I would have still been in love with you. Now, I'm pretty sure I would still be in love with you, at least for a little longer.

Please, send me a letter.

I know the chances are low.

I'm still angry at you for not telling me. If you did like me and think you did it for our own good, you're wrong. At least I wouldn't have had to wait and worry for the weeks that you disappeared that your life's clock stopped ticking. If you did tell me beforehand, I would have known that you'd be fine and that you were just moving away.

Did you have no faith in us?

Or did you really find a better opportunity in a better high school somewhere far away?

I'm still angry.

Is this what you call ‘the one that got away’?

Anyway, I don't love you now, but if you come back, I might again. I can't make up my mind.

I miss you, Jeonghan.

Sincerely,

Y/N

-------------------

6/18/21 - 9:51 pm

a/n: SEVENTEEN back on Instagram?? Seungcheol, Minghao, Vernon, Joshua, and Seungkwan posted today/yesterday. I didn't even notice WOOZI changed his profile picture. Also, I find Seungkwan and Seungcheol so funny...

SC: you are my escape

SK: you are my s.coups

But yay? Seventeen is back on Instagram!

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pigeonp0st · 3 years

Text

Natasha Romanoff x Reader #2

Part 2

Words:1,448

Warnings: Angst

Notes:

Part 2...I wasn’t going to do this. I did it anyways. Sorry for any spelling mistakes and for bad writing. This is another one of the pieces I made while trying to get over my dislike for my writing :)

Part 1:

————

“I’m tired of hurting others,” sixteen year old Natasha admits, eyes on the stars above. “When we get out of here...do you think we could be people who save?”

You turn towards Natasha, giving her your full attention. She’s been closed off and angry at the world more than usual lately...you’re glad she’s being open with you again though, so you give yourself time to think about your response.

“That’s you, Nat. I’m not like you,” you mumble. She glances down, then over at you. “You have the biggest heart out of everyone I've ever met. But me...i’ve always just longed for normal.”

Natasha tilts her head at that, bringing her eyebrows together, “normal?”

You nod, laughing at the expression on her face. “I want to live in a city with a job I hate half the time, in some stupid apartment with the loudest neighbors,” you explain.

“That doesn’t sound very nice.”

“It will be,” you assure her. “Because I'll have friends I consider family, and when you’re done saving the world I'll have you to come home to.”

Natasha studies the smile on your face and only sees your hope, but she’s never really been as optimistic as you. “You really think we’ll have that?” She asks quietly, and everything in her voice is begging you to say yes...because even though she’s not as optimistic as you, your hope is the only thing she feels is keeping her afloat.

“Yep. I should warn you...I plan on giving you the world, Nat.” You pause, frowning. “Well, maybe not the world, but everything you want.”

“Everything?” Nat teases, looking back up at the stars to try and prevent her tears from falling, because the future you painted is suddenly all she wants. “With your job you hate?”

You roll your eyes fondly. “Yes Nat, with the job I hate.”

The look she gives you is all love when she pulls you into her side and whispers, “I already have everything I could ever want right here.”

“Yeah right,” you scoff, shoving her away playfully and trying to hush her when she laughs too loudly. You don’t want to get caught. “Natasha, you want more than anyone. You want everything.”

And yeah, that may be true, but with you she has all she’ll ever need...If she has you, despite everything going on, she’s sure she’ll be alright. Natasha doesn’t tell you that though, instead she feigns thinking and says;

“Now that you mention it...I think I’d want to travel the world,” when you raise an eyebrow Nat continues, “Not as assassins but as tourists. Once saving the world gets too exhausting, and your desk job gets boring.”

“God. I can’t wait for the day when I'm a tourist with you. We’re going to be disgusting.”

“We’re going to be happy.”

——

“Natasha!” Steve shouts, pulling Nat right out of her dream and into the real world.

The world where you no longer exist.

She wants to go back to sleep already.

“Nat, you’re still having the dreams?” Steve asks, concern lining his features. “We thought they were gone.”

She’s not having ‘the dreams’. After four months the dreams filled with loud explosions and piercing screams stopped. Now she only dreams of stars, and late night confessions. Now she only dreams of teasing smiles, and promises.

Now she only dreams of wants that aren’t able to come true. Her wants, and yours.

And yeah, it’s worse than the explosions.

Steve doesn’t understand. None of the Avengers do. They didn’t know you, they can’t grieve you. They can’t understand her hurt. They don’t know how many firsts you consist of. They don’t know you’re the first person to ever care for her, and the first person to ever love her.

They don’t know that you’re her hope. That you’ve always been, and without you she’s just...lost.

She’s so lost.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks, grimacing when he realizes how stupid the question is. “Don’t answer that. Just...do you think you’ll be able to train today?”

Natasha nods, harshly rubbing away her tears. Her friends have seen her cry enough for a lifetime these past six months.

She’s tired, but she has to get up. Just for a bit.

——

“I didn’t know we had a new recruit coming in,” Natasha says, eyeing the new person suspiciously.

She really doesn’t want some stranger around the compound. She can’t be pleasant company anymore. Not that she ever really was.

When the stranger stiffens and doesn’t respond Natasha doesn’t know what to do. “What’s with the motorcycle helmet?” She asks, trying to fill the silence.

‘Can’t we just fight?’ The stranger signs.

Natasha is only surprised at the sign language for a moment before she shrugs it off and heads towards the mat. “Do you need me to sign too, or can you hear me?”

‘You can talk.’

“Okay,” Natasha nods, gesturing towards the other end of the mat. “If you even manage to knock me down i’ll give you twenty bucks.”

———-

When Natasha’s sucking in breaths and rubbing around her throat not four minutes later she’s shocked for more than one reason.

Because when the stranger gets off of her and says, with her voice; “God, Nat, I swear you weren’t this bad six months ago. What happened to you?” Natasha can’t really move.

She can’t even really breathe when the new recruit takes off her helmet and reveals someone Natasha never thought she’d be able to see again. “Y/N?”

“Hi.”

And Natasha’s sobbing now, in the middle of the mat with a smug Tony watching, and a confused Steve, and the rest of the amused Avengers.

But all she can really see is you.

You look hesitant, and emotional, but you.

You laughing when Natasha stutters out a “how?” Between her sobs.

You.

“Well Natasha, it wasn’t really that hard to beat you. Do you really want your pointers now?” You ask, smiling that soft smile she’s always loved.

“How are you alive?” Natasha asks, trembling and reaching out a hand. You meet her half way, intertwining Nats fingers with yours and closing your eyes in bliss when Natasha lets out a disbelieving laugh that half sounds like a sob.

“I jumped out a window and got lucky,” you mumble. “I couldn’t make it to the bottom floor in time, I knew that, and I knew my one real chance was the window exit.”

Natasha shakes her head, “but...the explosion still would have killed you, even if you managed to not die from the jump.”

Your expression turns bitter and dark. Haunted. And Natasha wonders why she’s even asking. She doesn’t care, because you’re here and all of that other stuff can be talked about later.

“Oh my god. You’re alive,” Natasha breathes out, effectively pulling you from your memories.

“You really missed me, huh?”

She doesn’t know how you can sound so disbelieving at the thought of Natasha missing you, because really, ‘missing’ doesn’t even feel like a big enough word.

“I was dying,” Natasha sobs, pulling you into a hug. Finally. Finally.

“Me too,” you admit, and though you can’t really imagine what Natasha felt like thinking you were dead...the past six months have been the worst of your life also. And yeah, you were dying too. Literally and figuratively.

Natasha feels like she can finally breathe after six months, and you feel like you can finally breathe after four years.

“I’m free, Nat,” you whisper to her, voice wobbly. Natasha clutches you tighter. “I can finally have my fucking desk job.”

“And we have the loud neighbors you’ve always wanted.”

Natasha starts pressing kisses over her face when she notices your shaking shoulder, and she doesn’t care how ridiculous she looks doing it with her own shakiness.

“I love you, Nat. I love you so much. And I'm sorry for taking so long to come back to you,” you force out, closing your eyes in a faulty attempt of trying to get the tears to stop.

All Natasha feels is love. Overwhelming love battling with relief.

“I’m sorry you ever had to search.”

You laugh, wondering when the two of you are ever going to have more than apologies to offer to each other. “Does this mean I can finally give you the world?” You ask, wanting to.

“God, Y/N, you already have.”

And maybe, besides apologies, you two will always have love to offer too.

“But you still want, right?”

“Yeah,” Natasha agrees, dazed. “I still want.”

She wonders why all of her wants suddenly involve you besides her.

“Good, because I do too.”

#natasha romonova #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #black widow x y/n #nat x reader #black widow x you #black widow x reader #black widow #marvel x female reader #marvel x y/n #marvel x you #marvel x reader #fem reader #natasha x you #natasha x y/n #marvel

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hermankopusortizorsumshite · 3 years

Text

Walsh

Final Part, PART THREE

Also, sorry this is so long. I just wanted to post the whole thing this weekend. So enjoy babes!

Warning: smut, violence, gore, breaking and entering, sarcasm. So much swearing. Mentions of Shane c*ck.

A/N: funny story, I've hated Shane since the Walking Dead aired originally because I thought he was cocky and I was like fourteen. Well, now I'm a 22yr old adult and GOOODDDAMMMN it, Jon Bernthal is a great, wonderful actor and so, so easy on the eyes.

@thewhitewolfownsme thanks for getting me hooked ;)

Kennedie gets up to look out the window, not one for hospitals, when she sees Walsh heading to his cruiser. She almost knocks, but she didn’t want to make it seem like she actually liked him.

“Where’s Walsh going?” She asks, looking to Rick. He shakes his head and scowls, he didn’t know either. Rick joins her, watching out the window as the horror unfolds before their eyes. A small, petite nurse jogs up to the car and he greets her with a hug and a kiss. He hands off something small, she can’t quite see it, but she can deduce by the way the woman wagged them at him and the way he smiled exactly what they were. Shane looks around to see if anyone saw them before he heads back inside.

“Rick, I don’t want him in here.” She whispers, tears falling down her face.

“I don’t blame you.” He assures, patting her shoulder she sits down. Rick heads out the door to meet Shane before he can get in the door. “You’re a liar too?” He growls as he pushes Shane back down the hallway.

“What?” He asks, his body getting chills.

“Go outside.” Rick orders, jabbing a finger at the door. Shane tries to go back to Kennedie’s room but Rick just grabs his collar and drags him out.

“Rick, what’s goin’ on?” He stammers.

“Tell me you didn’t respond right away because you were eating your lunch.” He seethes.

“I told you, when I was eating the keys fell between the seat.”

“It had nothing to do with little miss muffet and her little lace panties?” He asks, pointing to the cruiser. Shane’s eyes blast wide, nothing but whites as he takes a step back.

“Rick, I can explain-”

“Well you better, because you’ve got Kennedie up there so mad she’s crying.” He jabs a finger up to the window with the half-open curtain.

“Shit!” He shouts, slamming his fist into the hood. “Rick! I messed up once!” He cries, fists quaking at his sides. He paces back and forth in front of the cruiser until it’s black outside.

“Shane, go home.” Rick calls as he walks down the lot to their car.

“I can’t, Rick.” He huffs, sitting on the hood.

“She doesn’t want to see you.” Rick shoots into the night.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna see her. When I got there, she was laying in a pool of her own blood, Rick. I’ve seen dead bodies and I’ve seen a lot of blood, but that made me sick. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t help her. I--I fucked up.” He cries, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

“Yeah, you fucked up, Shane. Unfortunately, I can’t fix this fuck up. She hates you.” He breathes a shaky breath out watching Rick leave. As the lights leave the street, Shane heads inside and slips into her room just to see her, to make her real.

“Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. The only thing that lives in Shane Walsh’s mind. Even when someone is breaking into his best friend’s house, pussy. That must be the way to live, huh? Why don’t you worship me like that? Huh? The way you worship the pussy? I wasn’t even worth a ‘sorry I gotta go’.” She throws her stress ball at him, hitting him upside the head.

“Kennie, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, comes out smooth to me. Didn’t come out at all to nurse Panties.” She hisses, rolling away from him.

“So we’re back to this? The insults and anger?” He asks. She jerks into a sitting position and looks at him with a wild look in her eyes.

“Yes Walsh! We’re back to square one because I trusted you! And you were too busy getting laid in a hospital parking lot to respond to a burglary at Rick’s! So yes! We’re back to the beginning! I trusted you because you said you really weren’t that bad and here we are in a hospital because you couldn’t keep that precious Shane cock to yourself. You gotta share that shit with everybody!” She screams, Shane just stands there and takes it. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to leave.

“Listen, I’m sorr-”

“I don’t want to hear another fake apology come from those stupid lips! Get out Walsh!” She cries, tears pouring down her face.

“Kennedie please don’t make me go.” He whispers, his bottom lip quaking.

“I don’t want you here! Hell, maybe I’ll get lucky and you and nurse panties’ll be fucking on the empty bed there! Wouldn’t that be a goddamn sight!” She roars, kicking her feet.

“Kennedie, I-”

“Quit saying sorry, Walsh. Get out.”

“Please don’t make me-”

“Like you made me trust you and fall in love with you to find out you’re still the same womanizing dickbag you’ve always been? No. You made me. So get out. I swear to god I’ll call security.” She threatens, grabbing her call button.

“Fall in love with me?” He asks, breath hitching in his throat again, that familiar burning sensation in his throat.

“Does it matter now?” She asks, rising to her feet and walking passed him to open the door. “Leave please.” He faces her and sits in the chair.

“I can’t leave.”

“You can and you will.” She grabs her phone and calls Rick. “Please just make him leave. I-I need him gone. I don’t want to call security and make a scene, but dammit he won’t leave. She sits on the edge of her bed crying, sobbing uncontrollably. How dare he make her fall in love with his stupid smile, and those stupid pools of dark chocolate, and that stupid fluffy hair. He stands in the corner by the door, unable to get any closer, but he just looms, watching her cry.

“Shane?” Rick coos, heading into the room. He finds the large man standing in the corner, a terrified look on his face. “C’mon buddy. We gotta go.” He grabs the other man’s elbow and pulls him towards the door. Digging in his heels, Rick hears a small whisper.

“Please don’t. When I leave, all I see her laying in that pool of blood, Rick. I can’t.” He cries, trying to go back.

“Shane, she doesn’t want you in there so you gotta go. You gotta leave.” He pulls Shane from the room. Her strangled sobs mangle his emotions and he steps into the hallway to breathe. Rick’s hand finds his shoulder. “Shane, it’s okay.”

“It’s all my fault. I went by at eight every day but today. Every other day. I checked four times a day just to be sure.” He begs, trying to make it make sense.

“Shane, they got the guys okay?”

“They did?”

“Yeah.”

“Rick. I’m in love with her, Rick. I’ve been in love this whole time. I was excited about cold pizza and movie night. I made breakfast. I took Carl to school. I was nice.” He stammers, listing off everything he did right.

“I know, Shane. But she’s mad at you right now, okay?” Rick tries to reason with this grown man the way he’d reason with his five year old son.

“Kennie?” Lori’s soft voice breaks through her sobbing. She looks up, swiping away the tears and sniffling. “Shane is pretty beat up over you.” She smiles gently, a hand on her best friend’s knee.

“I bet. So am I.” She cries, letting Lori hug her tightly.

“He fucked up, he knows that.” Lori tries to reason with her, but when she realizes what she’s trying to do, she sits up and frowns.

“No no. Don’t you dare try to stand up for him. He did this to himself. And unlike everyone this man child has ever met, I’m not giving into him that easy. He made his bed, let him lay in it a while.” She retorts, rolling her eyes.

“Listen, I know you’re mad at him. I get it, but Shane isn’t good when he’s mad like this. He starts to drink and make bad choices.”

“And who’s fault is that? Mine? I should just cast aside my anger because Shane might get drunk and pass out? He’s a grown man, Lori! He’s not your child!” She shouts, shaking her head in disbelief.

“I know that. I’m just asking you to --”

“To forgive him for getting pussy instead of answering a call to your house, where your son was, and where I was shot. I’m sorry Lori, I don’t know what kind of hold the Shane dick has on you too, but I’m forgiving him yet.” Lori’s hand smacks across Kennedie’s face before she can stop herself.

“I would never-”

“Oh shut it! I’ve seen the way you look at him sometimes, like he’s a fresh piece of steak. I see it. You two probably had some fling before you and Rick got married and now the Shane dick has the almighty power over you.” Kennedie rolls her eyes as Lori stands and stomps out. Kennedie just laughs. Lori would ruin twenty years of friendship over her husband’s best friend’s dick.

“Rick. Let’s go. Shane, get up and leave. You’re being a child.” She hisses, grabbing Rick’s arm and storming for the door.

“What happened?” He asks, looking to Lori with confused eyes.

“I slept with Shane ten years ago, before you ever thought about dating me. Okay? Please don’t be mad. Anyway, I was trying to talk to Kennie about forgiving him but she won’t.” She huffs, getting it all out in one breath.

“Because Shane was fucking a woman in the backseat of the cruiser when he should’ve been responding to a burglary at your house where your son was. Your best friend was shot. And you think she should just forgive him? He fucked up, Lori. He messed up. I know you like to see the best in everyone, but Shane really needs to reevaluate, hunny.” He offers, explaining to her. “And I’m not mad, it was ten years ago.” He chuckles.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She heads back into the room and looks to see Kennedie getting up and dressed. “I’m sorry.” Lori calls from the door.

“It’s fine. I didn’t mean what I said to you, but I’m not forgiving Walsh. So if that’s what you’re here for, I don’t have anything to say.” She pulls on her jeans and Walsh’s tee shirt that she’d stolen at a party long ago.

“I know. You don’t have to forgive him, but please forgive me.” She asks, sitting next to her and hugging her.

“I could never stay mad at you.” Kennedie chuckles, hugging back. “The doc let me go, so. I guess I’m outta here.” She pats her knees as she rises and heads out the door.

“Let me drive you home.” Shane begs, grabbing at her hand.

“Let you drive me anywhere? No. Fuck you. I actually never wanna see you again. So.” She shoves him away and walks out the door.

“You can ride home with us. Your car is still in the driveway.” Lori calls as Shane gets into the cruiser. He follows them to Rick’s. Rick gets out and gives Shane a confused look.

“Walsh, go home.” She bites, throwing a fist at him. “Oh my god, Lori. I gotta clean the blood off the floor.” She calls, jogging inside.

“No no, we had cleaners come in hunny.” Lori chuckles, hugging her tight before they go in the house. It was spotless, like nothing happened.

“Wow.” She whispers, taking in the memories of the weekend.

“Tell me something though. Were you and Walsh really hanging out and like, not hating each other?” Rick asks as she grabs her bag.

“Yeah, kinda. He was almost nice.”

“Aunt Kennie says uncle Shane is a woman fighter.” Carl states from the edge of the hallway. Walking tiredly to Lori, he gets up on the counter. “Uncle Shane came and made breakfast one morning. He even spanked aunt Kennie, but she spanked him back. Then they both had white on their butts.” Carl gives a sleepy little smile. “Uncle Shane came back for pizza and they laid on the couch like you do with daddy.” He points to Rick and she feels her cheeks flame.

“I thought you were sleeping you little stinker.” She laughs, tickling him as he erupts into giggles.

“Did you know all my other friends have aunts and uncles who are married. How come you and uncle Shane aren’t married?” He asks, yawning and curling against Lori. She looks ove her son expectantly with a smirk.

“It just wasn’t meant to be little dude.” She smiles sadly, patting his shoulder.

A month goes by without so much as a sound from Walsh. As she’s walking to his apartment, she hears a thump and opens the door to find Shane laying on the floor.

“Wow, look what the cat dragged in.” He gives a drunken whisper as he tries to stand up.

“Yeah, lookie there.” She coos, smiling sadly at him.

“You-look--” He covers his mouth a moment before he sucks in a breath and vomits on the hardwood floor.

“Not as good as you.” She laughs, pulling him up off the floor and getting him into a shower. Tugging off his black tee shirt and his jeans, taking a deep breath before pushing him under the water. “C’mon Walsh, stand up.” She coos, trying to help him. Finishing his shower, she gets him walked to his bed and laid down, tugging off his sopping wet underwear and putting on basketball shorts. He’s snoring soundly when she steps out of the room. Her eyes land on the pizza boxes and beer cans like a frat party had been tossed there in his living room.

“Christ, Walsh.” She whispers, folding up all the boxes and stuffing them into a bag, shoving all the bottles and cans into another. Tidying up the couch, she even vacuums the floor for him. Hearing a groan, she looks up to see Shane standing in the doorway, staring at her with the most bewildered expression.

“Ken?” He asks taking a step into the living room to find it clean. “Kennedie, what are you doing here?” He asks, stepping a little closer.

“You called me and told me you had the perfect idea for Carl’s birthday. And when I got here, you were on the floor drunk. I showered you, not fun.” She snorts, scrubbing the couple of dishes in the sink.

“Did you put these shorts on me?” He asks, raising a brow.

“Yes.” She nods, heading for the door. She turns on one foot daintily and gives him a smirk. Eyes dropping to his crotch and back up, “and I really don’t understand the hype. It’s not that big.” He just laughs, leaning against the hallway wall.

“Bah, you’ll sing a different tune someday.” He crows, wagging a finger at her.

“Shut up, Walsh.” She chuckles, grabbing the handle and heading outside.

“Hey, slow up a minute.” He coos, heading towards her. Cornering her against the door, he leans in, his breath warm against her face.

“Walsh, what are you doing?” She asks, looking up at him through her lashes, her cheeks flushing red.

“Ssh ssh ssh.” He hushes, putting a thick finger against her lips. Instinctively her tongue swipes against her lips and his finger.

“Shane.” She whispers, careful where she put her hands. Planting them on his chest was the wrong move. He leans his weight against her now, her hands pressed into his chest.

“Sweet girl, I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you.” He whispers, getting so close to her lips his ghost across hers.

“Walsh, I need you to take a step back.” She whispers, pushing him gently away.

“Why? Can’t you see that I’m in love with you?” He asks, looking to her with glossy, dark brown orbs.

“Because you are still drunk and tomorrow you’ll have that cock slamming into some other whore, so I’m sorry Walsh, but your drunk ass is not kissing me.” She steps out and shuts the door. Leaning against the cool wood door to breathe, she hears a thump behind her.

“I love you sober.” He whispers, sending chills down her back.

Carl’s birthday party was at one, and she was there at eleven with the cake. When she got there, Shane’s Jeep was parked in her spot. Typical Walsh.

“Walsh! Your Jeep is in my spot!” She shouts, seeing Shane’s curly top poke above the sofa. He jumps to his feet and her breath hitches in her throat. His sheer size and chest width made her heart patter, but the button up half buttoned and the denim clad thighs. The silver necklace around his neck placed perfectly against his chest.

“What’s the matter?” Shane asks, looking at her and winking.

“N-nothing. Walsh, can you help me?” She points over her shoulder toward the door. His smirk is sexy and sweet, her eyes drinking him in as he saunters out the door. “The uh, the cake-here.” She slips between him and the door of her honda pulls it out. Carefully handing it off to him as her arms start to shake.

“This all you needed?” He asks, eyes drifting to her as he tries to hide a smile. His eyes drink her in; that yellow floral sundress riding high on her thighs, the sandals on her feet, her curls falling over her shoulder.

“Yeah, of course it is. Thank you. At least you’re good for something.” She chides.

“Better be careful, lady! I’ll drop this cake!” He threatens, calculating a wobble in his step.

“Walsh, if you drop that I promise you I will drop you.” She giggles, pulling open the door.

“Ooh, do it baby. I wanna see you try.” He chuckles, daring her to do it. Sitting the cake on the counter, she heads out to her car to get Carl’s gift. Shane follows her out this time, his hand slips down and grabs her ass, gripping tight.

“Shane!” She jumps, holding her breath.

“What baby? You don’t like that? Sh, I know you do. I love you. And I meant that shit. I can’t explain to you how it felt to kneel in your blood and hold you, not knowing what to do.” He whispers, shivering at the trauma.

“Shane Walsh. Stop it.” He leans her into her car and presses his lips firmly, sweetly, promisingly against hers.

“Just say it. You were right.”

“Aw thank you Walsh, I knew I was right.” He pushes her into Rick and Lori’s garage, pulling the door shut behind them. He drives her against the wall, lips soft and sensual against hers as he holds her against him.

“I saw how you were looking at me earlier. You wanted me.” He huffs into her ear as he lets her hands drift across the bare part of his chest.

“Yeah. No shit. I think you're hot.” She stammers, yanking at Shane’s shirt.

“That’s a first.” He coos, wriggling his knee between her legs. “I think you’re hot. Sometimes when I bang other women, I think of you.” She’s taken aback for a moment before she just laughs.

“Shane, shut up.” She grinds through her teeth as she hooks her arms around his neck and tugs his lips to her neck. His lips go to work and her hands massage his bare shoulders. Shane gets them into a spot between the shelves and totes where they couldn’t be seen and he lets her scoop up her skirt and he grabs her panties. When he pulls them down he chuckles, the same black panties he’d teased her about.

“Goddamn you are beautiful.” He hushes as he leaves open-mouthed kisses across her exposed collarbone and up her neck. He stops on her lips, pressing a hot, delicious kiss there.

“Shane. Will you please do your job and fuck me?” She nips through shivers as he takes his time. Her fingers fumble with the belt and she undoes his jeans in record time. Sliding into her, he takes his time to get comfortable firsrt, before his thrusts are fast and hard, a hand covering her mouth because currently there were about twelve little kids inside screaming. “Shane. Shane please.” She whines softly, gripping his hair as he drives up into her, legs quaking as she reaches her orgasm, she grips his ebony locks so tight his scalp starts to tingle, but he likes it. Ramming into her as she clenches and spasms around him, making his heart slam hard into his chest before he sinks into her once more, spilling his hot seed in her. Slipping out with a soft groan, he tucks himself away and tugs . his shirt back on, buttoning it up like before. Half open shirt, necklace hanging around his neck and his heart still pounding, he looks to her to find her still leaned against the wall, eyes closed and breathing heavily. Leaning forward, he grabs her waist and pulls her against him. Gingerly pulling up her panties, he pulls a dark blue hankerchief from his pocket and wipes his seed from the inside of her legs before pulling her panties on the rest of the way. Her arms around his neck, he stuffs the kerchief back in his pocket and starts to hum, swaying with her.

“I do love you.” He coos in her ear, his wide hands splaying to cover almost her whole lower back.

“I love you too, Walsh.” She giggles, softly sighing as she sifts her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Will you quit calling me Walsh? At some point, when we’re married, people will think it’s weird if you’re still calling me Walsh, and not Shane. Or hunny. Hunny works, or baby. But not Walsh.”

“Hey Shane? Get used to it. It’s hard to even call you Shane. I just wanna throw insults at you but it seems wrong now, cause like Walsh dick really is that good.” She laughs, letting him kiss her face; her cheeks, her nose, her lips, and her favorite, he places the gentlest kiss on her forehead and adjusts her dress before he checks his watch.

“It’s twelve-fifteen, baby.” He whispers, sending chills down her back.

“Goddamn it, Walsh. You truly gotta ruin everything.” She whines heading back into the the house through the back door that leads into the kitchen. Lori’s eyes meet hers with a knowing grin as she hands Kennedie some plates and a basket of silverware. Screeching kids come flying into the kitchen in party hats and swimming trunks all kinds of different colors.

“Carl! Not the kitchen!” Lori yells as she grabs a bowl of pasta salad.

“Sorry mom!” He shouts, racing into the living room. Shane’s hand grips her ass as she walks passed the grill with her hands full and she gasps, eyes burning into him as he grins and he and Rick laugh.

“Those two are trouble.” She huffs to Lori as she sees her best friend chuckle with the men. “You too?” She asks incredilously, staring at Lori as though she’d been betrayed.

“Hey Lori! I’m just dropping off Gavin!” A sweet, high pitched voice calls. As she looks to see who it is, Shane stiffens and holds his breath. “Hi Shane.” She coos, giving him a sultry wave. He nods back and wraps his arms around her waist.

“Let it go. I love you.” He whispers into her ear as he holds tight to her, his lips pressing into her neck.

“Shut it, Walsh.” She nips, slipping from his grip and stepping into the house to breathe. He follows closely behind, stepping in with her and leaning her against the door.

“I love you, don’t you get that?” He coos, thumb smoothing her cheek.

“I just--it feels surreal, Shane.” She whispers, letting him pull her against his chest.

“Listen to me, baby. I love you. The minute you shot back at me with insults I was done for. It was infuriating, it was beautiful. And you packed me lunch like some kind of domestic, sweet little house wife, and don’t take offense to that, but I loved it. Every minute. I was the proudest man in King County to go to work with your pink lunch box in the passenger seat of the cruiser. I wanna marry you. I wanna marry you and--and--get old with you. I love you, you fiesty lil thing.” Tears fall down her face as she grips his face and kisses his lips warmly and happily.

“I love you, Shane. I love you so much.” She coos, hugging his neck.

#shane walsh x oc #shane walsh #shane walsh fanfiction #walking dead #the walking dead #pre apocalypse #shane walsh pre apocalypse #shane walsh slowburn #shane walsh angst #jesus christ shane #sweet jesus tell me how to get these tags without typing all of them everytime.#shane walsh twd

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sparkleswritings · 4 years

Text

Been procrastinating for this one but I've finally finished it!!

This piece if part of a server collab I'm a part of, the masterlink containing other works from other amazing writers will be posted soon so I will reblog it on 17/11. Make sure to visit them all!

And to the requests I've put off because of this, I'm so sorry and thank you for being patient! They'll be out soon I promise ^^

Solace

Word count: 1,209

Prompt: "This is why I fell in love with you."

Tags: Fluff

It had been a long day. A very long, tiring day. The mission you had been assigned to dragged on longer than expected, leaving you and your team utterly exhausted. Physically, mentally--and emotionally.

Your four man cell, now down to three, passed through the Konoha gates with heavy limbs and heavy hearts.

You wanted to be anything but alone tonight. Afraid that, if you had the silence and time to think, you might just go crazy.

So the best thing to do, after reporting your duties done to the hokage, was to trudge your way to your lover's door. He always knew how to handle you whenever your emotional heart was bursting at its limits. He was rational, level headed. Someone who could compliment your emotion driven self quite well.

The streets were currently calm, a mocking peacefulness to the turmoil your body was currently containing. A loss of a comrade, a friend, never got any easier.

Your steps slowed as you neared the destination. Now that you arrived you started to regret it, what if you were bothering him? You retracted the hand you raised to knock, but before you could even turn away, the door slid open. Pale, lilac eyes stared into your own, as if understanding why you were here before you even said a word.

"You look awful."

Was the first thing he said.

"Tell me about it," you gave the Hyuga a sarcastic smile.

"How did you know I was at the doorstep?"

"Strong emotions of your caliber could be sensed from miles away. If you were in enemy territory you'd be spotted and dead."

"Touché haha," you shifted your weight from one foot to another. "And uh-- I'm sorry if I interrupted you or something I just-"

You didn't get the chance to finish your sentence, because Neji had wrapped his arms around you, pulling your head to his chest.

Startled, your body was stiff at first, but god you didn't know how much you needed this. You couldn't hold it in much longer.

"W-we lost him…" you let the tears flow freely. "I couldn't even retrieve his body."

Neji didn't say anything, making sure to listen to every word you had to say before calming you down. His gentle caresses to your hair were the only 'words of comfort' you needed.

Once your sobs were reduced to sniffling, he led you inside, still in between his arms since you refused to let go.

The mellow fragrance of tea soon wafted around the room. Your cheek was to him, the whole of your body pressed into his back as if you needed him to stay upright.

"You can stay the night. I don't want you to be alone at a time like this," Neji said once he was able to pry yourself off him to sit down, coaxing you to drink the warm beverage.

"You're...alright with that?"

He nodded slowly, as if contemplating on his words right after he said them. You felt your cheeks burn at the offer. Everyone knew that Neji was a traditional man, even if the two of you were in a long term relationship, he still refused to do anything past hugs, hand holding and kisses on the forehead. All of them done in private, of course. And you were alright with that. Love was more than just being physical, after all.

To have him step out of his comfort zone, so to speak, for your sake made you feel touched. You restrained yourself from glomping onto him and peppering his face with kisses, because that would certainly make him change his mind.

"Thank you, Neji," you looked up at him and smiled shyly.

"It's only natural that I take care of you. Now please wash up, you smell of blood and dirt."

"Aye aye captain," you teased, poking him on the cheek on your way to the bathroom, to which he frowned at.

After a rather long shower (you didn't mean to sound weird, but now you smelled like him and it was driving you crazy), Neji leant you the smallest pair of clothing he had and insisted you go to bed immediately.

"Where will you be sleeping?" you asked, pulling the covers as close to your face as possible. His scent was just so calming, you couldn't help it!

"I have a spare futon in my closet, I'll sleep on the floor beside you."

"Sounds good to me," you rolled over to the furthest side of the bed to be as close to him as possible.

Neji looked at you, "And Y/N, don't...stare at my sleeping face."

"Wh-what! I wasn't planning to!" you spluttered, fully aware that you were lying.

He gave you an amused look before pecking your forehead and bidding you goodnight.

You thought for sure that if you stayed here, with him, you would be able to sleep peacefully. But just like any other night where you had just lost someone, the nightmares came without fail. You could still see them, their faces, the ones you couldn't save. The ones you had to sacrifice in turn to complete missions. They all say that shinobi must remain emotionless in the face of these things, after all, bloodshed was common in the business.

Though your skills were exceptional, that was one area in which you lack.

You are an absolute failure.

"Gah!" you awoke with a gasp. Heart pounding, mind racing. The nightmare just felt all too real. Probably because it technically was.

You tried to calm yourself quietly, afraid that you'd wake Neji up and make him worried. But of course, it didn't go to plan.

"Nightmares?" he asked in a low tone.

"Mhm." You replied, giving him a sheepish smile, "sorry for waking you up, love."

He shook his head and sat down beside you, running his palm up and down your back. Neji was silent, giving you some time to steady your breathing before:

"If I hold you, would that help you sleep better?"

"Huh-?"

Your head turned sideways so fast you were afraid you'd snap your neck. Even though it was dim, you could see that his cheeks were reddening. Thank god for the moonlight.

"You've gotten...bold today," you grinned.

"Don't like it?"

"Quite the opposite actually," you leaned to rest your cheek on his shoulder. "Who knew you could get so adorable."

"Adorable you say?" He raised an eyebrow at you, "we'll see who's adorable tomorrow during training."

You winced. Neji and his training regimens always made you want to flop to the ground and sink into the dirt afterwards. But you have to admit, they were pretty effective. You had to get better anyways, you had to increase your chances at protecting your comrades better.

A few more moments of solace, and you were once again surrounded by him. This time you were sure, you were going to sleep peacefully all the way through the morning.

Neji just had that effect on you.

"This is why I fell in love with you," you mumbled, mouth half hidden in his chest.

The remnants of your conscious mind recalled a low hum and a kiss to the crown of your head before slowly drifting off to sleep.

#naruto x reader #naruto #naruto shippuden #neji hyuga x reader #neji hyuuga #neji hyuuga x reader #neji hyuga #naruto imagines #neji imagines #neji hyuga imagines #i'm finally done >~<#make sure to check out the masterlist!#i'll reblog it so you can read all the wonderful works posted ♡

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luxaryllis · 2 years

Text

A little vent post-

You don't have to read it-

Just dumping and venting my thoughts right now-

I'm sorry for taking a while to post the Hetalia!Russia!MC also-

Warning/s: Mentions of s**cidal thoughts, cussing

Just when I thought today was going well.

Fate just HAS to let me cry at least ONCE every single day!!

Why?

Why do I have to go through this?

Is it because of my gender?

My age?

My height?

Is it because I'm your child?

That I have to forgo my privacy and personal life JUST for you?!

Who cares if you're my family!? If you act like this to me, you lose my respect!

If I can't do something, don't compare me to others who have done it!

If I don't want to do something, don't make me feel bad about it!

If you don't want me doing something, don't shout at me.

And if you don't want me to do something, don't do the same thing RIGHT IN FRONT of me!!

You say not to be a hypocrite; but you ARE a hypocrite, yourselves.

I'm still your family, your kid, your sibling, aren't I?

Cuz if so, why is it that you always find some mistake I make and focus on it?!

Why must you be SO focused on forcing me to memorize school topics?!

For my grades and future, sure; but is it really?

Are good grades and a great future worth it even when I cry myself to sleep, pinch myself to stay awake, and other stuff?! Is it worth me having multiple self-identity crises because of the concepts of "smart" and "intelligent" and "model student" being constantly forced onto me?!

Tell me?! Is it going to be worth it?!

Because I don't think it is.

You jump to conclusions and forget about the fact that I'm just a kid!

I'm YOUR kid!

Do people really treat their children the way you treat me?

Or is fate just so cruel to give me a family like mine.

A family so complicated, "complicated" would be the only word I can even describe our relationship with.

Sometimes, you're all the best people I have in my life. These times are the times when we're smiling, we're happy, we're joking around. These are the times when we're playing together and just having a fun and comforting time together.

Other times, you're like a tormentor. Your attitudes can flip with the wrong word, and I'm scared of that. You're all perfectionists who think that your children can be the best people ever. And you're not afraid to shout, cuss, and even scream at us; as long as we get the end product you want.

Why can't I live peacefully? Why can't we just live together peacefully as a happy and content family?

Why did you have to extend your standards on us; and raise it even higher whether we reach your primary standards or not.

Yes, you probably want us to excel in whatever we do; but do you think I want to?

Do you think I wanted to go through my classmates and friends constantly judging me for my so-called "love" for studying and working? Do you think I wanted to go through the utter humiliation whenever I get even a single mistake in a test when everyone would gawk at me?

Did you think so? Cuz I don't! I NVER wanted to go through that!

Do you think it's worth all the su*cidal thoughts?! Those same thoughts running in my head at the moment?

And though I've always been too scared and ashamedto act on them, they're still there. They've always been there.

Never went away.

Always at the back of my mind, haunting me.

But I always wish that you would be in a better mood the next hour, or morning.

Wishful thinking, yes. But it would often happen anyway.

Am I being dramatic? Maybe. You would definitely say stuff like that, if you would possibly read my thoughts whenever we get into an arguement.

And here comes another night, I will be spending; crying myself to sleep, with stupid thoughts running around my head. Not that I'd have the guts to execute those thoughts in real life, though.

Then, the cycle will continue. On, and on, and on.

You guys start being happy; I lower my guard; you get angry; My sensitive ass starts crying; and repeat.

But have you ever thought of thinking from MY perspective? Haven't I always been respectful to you? Haven't I been obedient enough? What do I have to do to permanently earn your approval?

Do I have to do even more sleepless nights, crying? Do I have to start eating less so I can look skinnier? Do I have to take more speech therapy lessons to fix my stupid speech impediment?

What do I have to do?

Why do I even want your approval?

Can't I just go back in time and warn my younger self of our family's "duality" and complexities?

---

#quick vent #ya'll srsly don't have to read this #i'll prbly be fine in the morning-#just needed to write down and vent my feelings-

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ye4gerismarchives · 3 years

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the bachelorette chp 4, part 3: visiting jean’s mom

an: so, i decided i'd write the elimination in a separate chapter, one, just to mess with y'all and two, to give you time. i honestly think picking one of these three guys is really hard. obviously, i know who i want to win, but i look at the two other guys and i'm like 'oh, they would be good too!'. i like pulling at your heartstrings ;). i'll probably put together another q&a (depending on the numbers of questions i get) and once i do that, i'll wait for a day and then close the poll to start writing! anyways, let me stop sharing my thought process with yall and start your date with jean. link at the bottom!

tags: black, fem reader

tag list: @taybird

Bertholdt drove you back to the mansion and you texted Connie asking him to prepare something for you, Bertholdt. Jean and Connie to eat. And maybe a lil something for that brat Levi. Connie responded with an 'ok' and a smiley face.

The car ride home was silent. You felt awful for Bertholdt. You wondered how many silent post-hospital drives he's been through.

Once you got home, Bertholdt told you he wasn't very hungry and just wanted to lay down. You wanted to argue with him but Bertholdt needed space. You wish him good night before making your way to the kitchen.

Connie and Jean were chatting it up in the kitchen once you walked in. Connie was the one to announce your entrance. "Hey, y/n," he greets. Jean then turns around. "Hey, y/n. How is Bert holding up? I understand that visit was really hard."

"Thank you for asking, Jean. Bertie...well...he's just being human. His dad...it's really bad," you reply. You take a seat by Jean at the kitchen island. "The fact that he's been holding in for a while...it's crazy. I would have never thought he was in that situation. No wonder he was so stressed after that Porco got angry with him," Jean says. You raise an eyebrow at Jean. "Oh...after Porco got angry with him about you, Bert seemed sadder and more introverted than usual. He only really confided in Reiner, though," Jean explained.

"Ah, that makes sense. Poor Bertie."

Connie had made some garlic bread with ava ado toast and egg. You didn't expect that out of him but you all enjoyed it. You felt tired, so you told the guys you were ready to lay down. They wished you good night before diving into a conversation about...y'all i don't even know what men talk about 😐

The next morning, you woke up at the same time as you did for Connie's visit. Your final visit would be Jean's mom. She also lived far away from the mansion but Jean insisted that you could take your time. She would still be at her home. No nurses to rush you out or kids bugging their parents. You hoped this visit would be as peaceful as it sounded.

You were very hungry though. You didn't realize it last night about the whole Bertholdt thing and you only had those little stupid avocado things that Connie made. It was good but didn't feel you up. You decided you would take a bath and get ready for your visit later.

You crept downstairs, hoping not to wake anyone up. You didn't want Levi questioning you and you didn't want to stop and talk to the boys because you would probably have a day-long conversation and if that conversation was with Jean, you probably wouldn't see his mom.

You made a few turns and found yourself in the kitchen. And you weren't alone. Jean was leaning on the kitchen counter, sipping on some coffee that he had made. His eyebrows widened at your presence.

"Good morning," he greeted, "I didn't expect you to be up right now."

"Oh, I'm just hungry right now. Didn't eat much yesterday," you say. Jean places his coffee down on the table. "Would you like me to make you something?"

You were about to say yes but a greater idea came into mind. "Why don't we make something together? It would be fun and give you bonus points..." You wiggle your eyebrows when you say that last part. Jean let out a laugh. "Well, you're hungry and I can't let you starve. Us working together will make things faster...and those 'bonus points' would help a lot."

You walk towards Jean and his eyes remain on you. You find yourself wrapping his arms around his waist. It was just on-demand. Jean pulls you close and kisses your forehead. "What do you wanna make?"You think for a minute. "You know how to make (meal of your choice)?"

Whether Jean says yes or no is up to you. However, Jean is really good at following directions. If you need something, he'll get it. If you needed him to watch something, he watches it with intensity.

After a few minutes, the meal was ready and you both sat by the kitchen island and dug in. "I hope Connie doesn't wake up and butt into our breakfast," you joke. Jean let out a small laugh. "Connie's really nice. He hasn't shown me or anyone else any hostility during our time here."

"If you could say...who did you think was the worst person here?" you ask. Jean doesn't even have to wait to answer. "I'd have to Floch. Confidence is key but Floch just got disrespectful about it. Talking about how we should all go home and let him have you. And he was only here one night and everyone already had a bad vibe about him."

Your heart panged at that answer. "Thank you for telling me. I know everyone likes drama but Floch sounds...dangerous. I don't know what would have happened if he stayed." "Yeah, of course. Sorry if that made you uncomfortable," Jean said sheepishly. The discomfort must have been visible on your face. "No, don't apologize. I asked."

You continued to eat your breakfast and chat and hear about Jean's experience in the mansion so far.

After breakfast, you and Jean got ready for the day and finally decided to head out. Jean was starting his car when you decided to ask another question.

"I've never heard you talk about your dad. I've heard bits about your mom and you've mentioned her to the other guys but I never hear about your father. He isn't dead right? Is he sick? Like Bertholdt's?"

Jean is silent for a minute. "Oh...I don't really like talking about my dad, but you would have to know at some point."

"Oh, Jean...you don't have to. Don't worry about it."

He shakes his head. "It's fine. We were going to have this conversation pretty soon, so it doesn't matter."

Jean starts moving the car and when he's out on the road, he begins to talk.

"My dad has never been in my life. At this point, I don't know if he's dead or not. Sometimes I feel like he isn't my father. We did talk like once or twice when I was a kid and I was actually desperate to see him. But once I reached high school and started preparing for my adult life, I realized he wasn't worth it anymore. If my dad really wanted to be there for me, he would have reached out more often and let me know that things were hard on his end. I know everything I'm saying is being recorded and broadcasted, so if he ever sees me on TV, he can always hit me up. I just won't be naïve and stupid like I was the last time."

You immediately jump in after that last line. "Hey. You weren't naïve or stupid. He was stupid. You were a kid waiting on his dad. You had every right to wait for him, so don't insult yourself over him."

Deep down inside, you weren't sure if you wanted to meet Jean's dad...if he was alive. Jean didn't seem comfortable talking about him at all, so you shouldn't expect any visits or calls from that man. If you were to have kids and he popped up, that'd be hard to deal with. It would probably break Jean's heart to learn that his father would want to see his grandkids before even meeting the guy who helped make them.

Jean doesn't respond to what you said. Again, this was hard for him and he didn't even want to bring his father up in the first place, so you weren't upset.

You end up falling asleep in the car. Hours later, you wake up and Jean is parked in front of a bakery. He's on the phone. "Yeah, ma, we're here. Right in front of it, she's sleeping but we'll head inside....I miss you too...alright then, bye."

Jean hangs up and places the phone down. He jumps slightly when he realizes you're awake. "H-hey. I thought you were sleeping."

"Well, I was. Your mom is ready to see us?" You ask. "Yeah. She owns this bakery and decided to close completely today to meet you. I asked her if we could meet at home but she insisted that her bakery would be best. She's really proud of it," Jean explains. "Are we going to bake something?"

Jean laughs and shakes his head no. "Oh, no. My mom won't let you do any work in there, since you're a special guest. She put some things together if you want to eat something."

You imagined Jean's mother as someone who prioritized her future-in-law over her own son sometimes. It sounds overbearing but you thought this was a good thing. You wouldn't want an evil mother or father-in-law. If Jean were to cheat on you or hurt you, you knew she'd probably be on your side or hear both sides instead of immediately siding with her son.

You also wanted to assume that she was tough on Jean. Considering that she raised him herself, she had to do other things like work. To give herself some peace, she probably had a no-nonsense household- maybe why Jean was more like a puppy and wasn't as scandalous as the eliminated.

Jean got out of the car and helped you out. He didn't take your hand when directing you to the bakery but opened the door for you. Inside was a short, older woman, standing there with her hands clasped. The minute you stepped in, her excitement exploded. "Hi! Welcome! It's finally nice to meet you," she says. The older woman squeezes and you can't help but let out a chuckle...or a wheeze. "H-hey, mom. Maybe you should let her go," Jean steps in nervously. Jean's mom slowly lets go. "I'm sorry! I just got excited. Are you hungry?"

You shake your head. "No, Mrs. Kirstein. Jean actually helped me put together breakfast."

"Good, good. I'm glad he's being useful! And call me June. Come, sit, sit."

Jean's mom takes your hand and leads you to a small table and pulls open a chair for you. Jean quietly pulls a chair up by you. You start to worry about him because all the attention is on you, rather than the both of you.

"Can I get you something to drink?" June asks. "Some water would be nice," you answer. Your eye catches Jean's hand. You place your own on his and you feel him jump slightly. "Jean, would you like something too?"

"I-I'll take water too," Jean croaks. "Well, Jean, I'm sure you can serve yourself. I'm getting old, you know. Make sure you get a glass for y/n too."

Jean looks ready to argue back but he keeps his lips zipped. He carefully removes your hand from

his, gets up, and heads over to the back of the bakery.

You watch Jean do all of this and then finally turn away so that you can give June all your attention. "Please tell me he's been good to you," she starts. You weren't expecting this question but considers why she's asking. "Yes, Jean is...amazing. He's always coming to my defense. Which I shouldn't be surprised by, he is a lawyer."

June sighs in relief. "I hope he stays that way. He told you...about our situation right?" You nod. "It's unfortunate that his father did that to the both of you. If Jean does get married to me, I hope he doesn't pop out of anywhere. Jean's a good guy but I'm not too sure how he'll react to something like that." June let's our a small hum.

"Have you been watching the show?" you ask. "A little. I work, so it's hard to catch up on what's going on. Sometimes I'll read articles and Jean will text me to let me know if he didn't get eliminated. I was a little concerned about him doing the show because nothing is guaranteed."

"Hm...is he cocky about this whole thing? Does he really think he can get me?"

June thinks for a moment. "I can't say cocky but there's nothing wrong with a little confidence. Jean is handsome, he has a good job, he's smart- and he knows that. He believed those would be good reasons for you to like him. But...he does get bashful sometimes. He doesn't want all the attention on him and for people to view him in the wrong way. The fact that he had a mirror in his pocket on the first night was interesting to me. He's never done anything like that before."

You open your mouth but Jean enters once more. He places three water bottles on the table. "Sorry for taking too long. Ma, I'll replace the waters. Don't worry about it," he says. June shakes her head. "Don't worry about it, Jean. We have plenty of water."

"So, have you two discussed wedding plans? Anything for the future?" June suddenly asks. You look at Jean, who looks like his stomach was doing the chacha slide or sum. "M-mom-!"

"Well, we haven't reached that point because we don't know if he's staying or not but I'd like a really elegant wedding. I know we'll have a live-streamed wedding but I'd like to have a private wedding too. That would be nice right?" you cut in. Jean nods in agreement.

"What about kids? I read somewhere that you wanted a family," you tease. Jean's face reddened. "W-well...um...yeah...two would be nice. A girl and b-boy maybe?"

"See? We have a plan," you say with a wide smile. You could imagine Jean as a cautious dad but he still knew how to have fun with his kids. After long days at work, he'd cuddle with them and put them to sleep for you. When the kids are asleep, he'll check on you and make sure you had something to eat. He'd probably make sure to schedule regular date nights and family vacations. He'll have photos of you and the kids and maybe a few bandages in a wallet. Obviously, you would both be in the public eye once in a while but he would make things feel normal.

"I think you two would have beautiful kids. I do hope Jean gets picked. But your two other guys are good too. Bertholdt is absolutely adorable and Connie seems like he knows what he's doing. I don't know how you're ever going to choose. I can't imagine being your situation," June says.

"Wow, thanks for having my back mom," Jean says jokingly. "But if not me, pick Connie. He's a good person."

"Oh, Jean, don't do that to yourself. You're lovely." You cup his cheek and his reddened face returns.

Jean's mom starts talking about Jean when he was a kid- how he was such a big softie and a great helper, how he was popular in high school but still to himself, and all the girlfriends and boyfriends that she didn't like.

It was getting late. Jean's mom offered you her home but Jean stopped her before she could ask. You didn't question why he didn't want to stay at her home but still wondered why. You said your goodbyes, watched her lock the bakery, and drive off. Jean helps you into his car and gets into the drivers' seat.

"You know why she wanted to you go home with her?" he asks.

You shake your head no. "There's only one bed. A twin size bed," Jean says as he starts the car. You let out a chuckle. "Connie's parents tried that with us except Connie had a bigger bed."

Jean looks over at you. "Oh...I should have probably taken her offer."

"Connie and I didn't do anything that night...maybe you could give me a sample of what you can do. It'll help me decide."

Jean didn't hesitate to lean over and cup your cheek. He went in first. Jean was gentle and careful with your lips. You soon gave in and wrapped a hand on his wrist. When things started to get hot, you pulled away. "Didn't expect you to be that gentle...You really want me, huh?"

"Yeah," Jean says scratching his neck. "You're pretty rough... you have experience?"

Whether you say yes or no is up to you.

Jean smiles at your answer and starts driving. You try to fall asleep but it's so hard. All you can see is Bertholdt, Connie, and Jean at the next elimination. You wished Eren or Onyankopon did stupid stuff later on and were a part of the final three so that this could be easier.

Hours later, Jean reaches the mansion. He thinks you're still asleep. He doesn't want to wake you up. So what does he do? Jean opens the passenger door and scoops you up in his arms. Your heart jumps. You hope it's dark enough outside so that he can't see the small smile you're trying not to crack.

It doesn't Jean long to get to the door and ring the doorbell. He must be really strong. The door opens and he's greeted by Connie.

"You need help with that man?"

"Um...no...I think I'll get her up there. But you could get her purse from my car though. She'll probably wonder where that is."

Connie probably gave him a non-verbal response since there was just silence after that. Jean got you up the stairs and struggled with your bedroom door but he got in within ten minutes. Jean turns on your lights, places you on the bed, and removes your shoes. He steps away but you hear ripping sounds proceeding by scribbling. You can hear Jean turning off your lights and closing the door behind him as he leaves. Your eyes flick open and you wait a few moments. You turn on the light on your bed stand to see the note Jean wrote you.

'Wasn't sure what to do with your clothes. It's not my place to decide that- at least not yet. But I hope you slept comfortably.'

You smile softly at the note. It was definitely something he would say.

i use YOUR opinions to not only put together dates but to put together personalities. if y’all say you hate bertholdt, i’ll work my magic to mess with y’all :) anyways here’s the link! ask good questions. this is the last time you’ll see bertholdt, jean, OR connie. vote and ask wisely

#black!reader #jean kirstein x reader #aot x black! reader #bertholdt x reader #connie spinger x reader

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moonlightchn · 3 years

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~WHOLESOME WEDNESDAY~

Not to be a soft motherfucker but I've been wanting to do this again for a week now so I guessed I would try my best to fit as many of my thoughts here as I can without being annoying or tumblr fucking up plz bear with me heh but we know none of those are actually possible anyway so THERES THAT also this is fucking long wow ANYWAY

WARNING WORD VOMIT sjsjsjsj I dont even know what i wrote I'm sorry but I'm tagging yall anyway

Some of you I speak to on a daily basis, yknow? Like,, as admin. And its fucking insane because like- I don't know but like isn't it insane? sjajsjsj How fast some people come to grow in your heart and get under your skin and become so important for you. I think it's crazy. That in four months or so I've made more friends in here that in my whole life and I've learned so much about life and myself and I've gotten marked and some of you imprinted on my mind and heart forever. And like HELL I wasn't here when most big dramas happened but I was here for two very big ones and like??? idk it feels like all of us have been through shared crises and somehow grown closer sjajskwjs idk I'm weird and im sensitive today and I just feel like wow what would I be doing without all of you right now? probably studying. or scrolling Twitter in which I never spoke to anyone. or watching Instagram stories and getting sad over how all my ex class partners are still in contact and hang out and keep strong relationships while I just sit here. like, I know we all say this place sucks and we hate it and its toxic and don't get me wrong of course some people is fucking shitty and they take a toll on a lot of others but that like... it also happens in real life yknow?? but like in real life how many people do you think would actually idk sit with you through a panic attack or stay up with you till 8am or wake up in the middle of the night or rave with you or hype you up or have meme wars or send you daily jokes or just randomly tell you how much you mean to them or make posts asking where you are when you disappear or been gone for too long or make people that doesnt know you send you birthday wishes? like I'm not saying it doesnt happen but isnt it wonderful that it happens HERE with US where maybe out of 10 people only 2 know each other in real life? Isnt it wonderful that we're from all around the world? that you half of the time dont realize someone isnt from English speaking places because they're too good or even when they're not that good no one judges you because this is such an inclusive and wonderful place for people of all races and colors and sexualities and nationalities and body types and hair colors?

idk I'm just RAMBLING but like I wanted to let everyone know that even if we dont speak, even if we NEVER spoke, even if we're only on each others tag lists, or even if I was and you took me off or I took you off or if you deleted or if you have 817383 bots and you speak to me in all of them or only one or whatever PLEASE just know that I love you so much and I appreciate you and you're awesome and if you made some mistakes know that you CAN fix them you CAN learn and be better you CAN grow.

I believe that everyone is capable of learning and changing and everyone deserves a second chance as long as they genuinely show the intention of changing and bettering themselves. I believe that we're capable of forgiving and maintaining healthy relationships without hard feelings. I believe we all have goodness. I believe we all are small universes and we have stars in our eyes and supernovas in our brains and a million things to discover and I believe its funnier to be together than alone and I'm rambling again but like idk just yesterday I was sending someone a message telling them how maybe I'm fucking delusional and naive because who the fuck goes out on their daily saying "be skeptical. dont trust too much. always pay attention" but then after two days of talking with someone they're fucking platonically whipped and would sell their soul as long as they can see those around them happy? trick question I know many of you do too which WORRIES ME PLZ DONT PUT YOUR HEARTS ON THE LINE SO EASILY I drifted I forgot what I was saying oh welp

Anyway for some of you i have so much to say I could write endless paragraphs about you about admins and characters and life and wow I do speak a lot to admins sometimes I speak more to admins as admin that the characters and for some others I can only say a few things or wish you to have a good day some of you I only ever spoke to your character or we talked too little or never at all wow I say that a lot but like one thing yall have in common is that I love you so much even if you don't know me or dont care alright I dont care if you don't care I LOVE YOU and you can FIGHT ME if you dont wanna accept it smh I just want you to know that this place so many of you have been feeling is crumbling down or hurting them or isnt the same anymore is MY safe place too is a place where I feel comfortable and secure and I know, well decide to believe, that you guys would never do willingly anything to hurt another and yknow sometimes I just sit in bed and look at my account and I'm like wow I suck I should delete but then I'm like I could never do that to you I really couldn't because I've been told so many times I'm peoples safe place too and I would never want to take that away from you yknow

I mean I'm not gonna say we shouldn't pay attention to the bad things that happen because this is somehow our home and it's on us to protect it but I think that we shouldnt focus so much on it. because theres still so many good things that we overlook when we think of the bad or when we let things get to us or when we decide to act out of impulse and not think through stuff yknow

ANYWAAY what I'm trying to say is that I love you all so so so so so much and this is my safe place because you're here for me when I need it and I would never give you guys up for anything and like i have so many people for whom i stay daily and try my best and I hope that someday when you need a reason i can be that for you too because I've said this in private but I want everyone to know that this is my corner too and I will always fight for it and protect it so like we can all fight for it together whenever things get rough or you can leave me alone and maybe I'm being super dramatic and putting a lot of weight on this but I started overthinking like halfway and in just tthink that I want to keep yall close to me and my heart forever ok so stay safe and healthy and happy yeah fight for your happiness fight for what you deserve fight for what you want and don't let anyone ANYONE EVER take away from you your joy and your spark and your will to be yourself ok bye

#adminnie soft hours #is this even wholesome idk #ita word vomit #bye

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whysojiminimnida · 3 years

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TW: All The Triggers. So Not A BTS Post. Scroll on by. TW: mentions of life cessation by various means a couple of which are probably intentional just don't come in here unless you wanna have your day ruined plskthx ....

I haven't said anything here because who reads blog entries anyway, and why fuck up other people's feeds but then I remembered I probably have nine followers. Sorry y'all.

Tomorrow we bury my sister. Her ashes, anyway. She died a couple of weeks ago. She was 28 years old and maybe it was a heroin overdose or maybe it was the pneumonia she'd had for awhile or maybe she wanted to get gone, any and all those things are possible and maybe probable. I am now my parents' only daughter again and let me tell you it sucks ass in a way that you can't understand unless you've been there when that phone call comes in and your almost 80 year old mother makes a noise that isn't human and everything in you does not want to grab that phone from her but you can't just let her hold onto it like that. So I took it and the boyfriend had stayed out all night and gotten home in the morning and found her dead and called 911 and then us and I talked to the paramedics and the cops and I had to tell them my parents are elderly, I'll be taking point on this, and I think I maybe reblogged a cute jikook post because that's what dissociatives do in times of crisis. Fast forward ten hours and I had driven the parents to another state, made arrangements for cremation and a (gulp) body viewing for literally the next morning and notified everyone I could think of that would care or need to know. One task melted into another and then it was time to look at her and I've been a nurse nearly as long as my sister was alive, I knew what to expect but my parents did not. Let the maladaptive daydreaming commence between tasks. I almost convinced myself the Jeon Jeongguk is straight. Almost. I picked an urn and picked up the remains of the day and my sister and drove my parents two states back home while we fielded intrusive questions about funerals and memorials which we were not gonna have so someone else threw a BYOB and published it in the paper, cool. She would have loved it. I didn't go. I left and came home with the shattered hearts of my parents as souvenirs. Then I bought a car because why the fuck not. I've always wanted a cute little Mini Cooper and it's not like I had anything else to do and I paid cash and bought insurance and drove off the lot with it so now I have a car named J-Mini (get it get it) because nothing like a knee jerk major purchase in the middle of intense grief, right? My father picked out my sister's plot because my mother couldn't go and I was... buying a car. That wasn't my best day but it was really the only day I checked out completely. I mean except the other five to seven business days I don't remember but I did stuff because my dad says I fed them and made sure they ate and took care of things. I'm good at that. Also kookmin and Memories 20 why hasn't that shipped yet and I think I also got the MOTS ON;E DVD set and finished my Funko Pop set. Goals, kids. Gotta achieve goals. And I also redid my parents upstairs guest suite and turned it into my office because the next novel is not gonna write itself. A little death opens up my dad's wallet and we are both OCD writers who are task oriented and very good at finding poor coping mechanisms for trauma. It's a nice office and can still function as a guest room (it's a huge room). I put the Keurig I bought so my mom would have okay coffee before viewing her daughter's body in my new office. Just brewed the first cup today and it tastes like death to me but what are you gonna do, it's salted caramel death at least. So I'm sitting in my new office looking out the plantation shutters that make up the view, idly watching my new car sit in its cute parking spot and planning the next 36 hours. Her flowers should get here soon. I ordered real ones, the rainbow tie dye looking roses. We're not supposed to take them to the cremation garden where her headstone will be because small plots and what the fuck ever seriously do not tell me that my mother cannot bring her baby girl flowers. She's dead, assholes. She's not coming back and she didn't say goodbye and the first

time my father had seen his little girl in almost two years she was cold and decidedly nonverbal and had a bruise on the tip of her nose nobody could explain and I later figured out was from her puppy trying to boop it to wake her up when she wasn't going to be waking up ever again. Fuck that. Flowers it is. I'm on food takeout duty and also my sister's best guy friend of forever might be driving here for the interment, we didn't tell most people when it was and he's nine hours away but he hasn't let us know if he's gonna stay here or what so I guess it's good the guest room office is clean, he has three twin beds to choose from so I'll probably only change the sheets on two of them because hospitality roulette seems fair given that the service is fucking tomorrow and we're trying to plan shit over here. That's a run-on sentence kids. I guess maybe the rest of the day is not snapping at people. I watered my mom's extensive flower garden but I do that every day. I took the small envelope of extra ashes from my dad because he broke down and I put them in a pretty butterfly notecard with a pink envelope and stashed my sister's nose or fingertips or random internal tissues neatly sealed in my jewelry box. Why we have them when the rest of her is already at the cemetery is because people ASKED FOR THEM like wtf why are we making earrings out of my dead sister but my parents said yes before they said no. And I called the funeral home and ARRANGED THIS SHIT so now I get to handle it. Guess I'll dole them out a gram at a time like cocaine. Oddly fitting I suppose, that part of her is in what amounts to a heroin baggie. Don't shoot up, kids. Just don't. And if you must shoot up make sure you have Narcan around and someone available to give it to you. And that your dealer isn't cutting with fentanyl or some shit. Also make sure you're not physically sick with pneumonia that might or might not have been COVID Delta, we don't know yet because toxicology and death certificates take time and I'm in charge of bugging the coroner and just haven't wanted to have to tell my parents that YES SHE WAS HIGH AF WE BEEN KNEW THERE WAS A FUCKING NEEDLE IN BED WITH HER JFC I mean they know but they'd rather it be COVID and who can blame them. Also to my sister if you offed yourself I get it and I'm not mad at you most of the time. I do understand why and frankly it might have been kinder to do it than to keep siphoning rent every month and your drug money and living expenses on the weekly if that's how you were gonna keep living, because your drama was constant and painful and caused a lot of shit and it wasn't fun for you or anyone else. But I love you and I'm so sorry you hurt so much that you had to handle it that way. And I'm sorry I'm so much older than you'll ever be and that I survived and you didn't. If it helps, you were always loved. I'll teach your kiddo all the good things. Honestly the most painful thing you did was the best thing when you gave him up. He's so bright and artistic like you and his parents love him and l get to see him a lot even if it's only on video. I visited him right after I told you goodbye and let him go wild on my Amazon and told him you love him too, that you might not be here but you'll always love him and look out for him wherever you are. I will too. Auntie ain't an absentee figure let's get that straight right now. He likes Adidas and art and aquariums and I have promised him a trip for all those things before Christmas. You know I deliver. I'll find him something to help him remember you. He has your eyes, like Harry Potter. I sang "Blackbird" to you but it made me cry so I had to stop. You've made me cry so much lately. I liked it better when I was just allowed to be quietly angry at you but now I can't. Last time I talked to you you were high af and rambling and Mom was convinced you were oxygen deprived and I told your man to take your ass to ER and fuck the consequences but you wouldn't go and he couldn't make your black belt ass get out of bed so you never went. I wish you'd gone and I

wish you'd made him stay home with you if you wanted to get high and I wish you hadn't hated yourself and wanted to die because there was so much good in you, so much beauty and now we don't get to see what's on the other side. You put yourself in a chrysalis and turned it into a crypt and I just wish you hadn't. I wish I could have asked you to please stay. I just wish you'd been able to please stay.

#triggers like whoa #tw #dead dove do not eat #dead sister too #like it's just been a fuck of an August up in here #maladaptive coping #but hey I named my new car after Jimin so #it's fine it's all fine everything's fine

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