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lixxpix · 5 days

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we can't be friends - l.mh

genre: idol!minho x reader, lovers to exes to lovers

tw: angst, hurt, breaking up, erasing of memories (almost) , mutual pining, did i mention angst, reader is kinda depressed, like two kisses ig

status: delivered !

word count: 4.0k

author's note: aaaa omd it's finally done >< reblogs + likes are appreciated!!

lee minho. your muse, your life, your heart.

he broke your heart one stormy sunday night and you hated him as you watched him leave with tears in both of your eyes.

granted, he did break your heart for your own good, to save you from the dangers of being with him. but you didn't care, not when he was your universe, your world. you would gladly take a bullet for him.

just as he would take a bullet for you.

minho knew leaving would break you, just as much as it would break him, but he needed to do it. life as an idol was already dangerous enough with all the death threats and saesangs, but the moment 'fans' caught even the slightest whiff of you they would hunt you down and hurt you, and minho simply couldn't let that happen. he knew you wouldn't care about all the danger as long as you were with him, but he did. minho would never forgive himself if something happened to you all because he had given in to his innermost wants and kept you by his side.

so he left.

november 8th, 2019, 8.46 pm.

"i want to break up." he said, one sunday night. the rain was pouring outside, flashes of thunder and lightning ringing through the sky occasionally. in the quiet and comfort of your shared apartment, with the dim glow of lamps illuminating your features, in that moment, for a split second, minho wanted to stay. he wanted to pretend everything was alright, to have you stay by his side and be happy together, but he knew he shouldn't. the two of you were eating dinner, sitting at the small round dining table in your kitchen tucking into your homemade kimchi stew. god, he would miss your kimchi stew, he thought miserably.

"what?" your world felt like it had stopped, your hand frozen in place as you slowly tilted your head to look at your boyfriend sitting across from you.

"i... want to break up." he repeated robotically.

"minho, where is this coming from? did i do something wrong? please... just talk to me," you begged, panic starting to flood your mind as tears threatened to spill over. you couldn't believe what he had just said. the both of you had been perfectly fine before, the both of you were happy, why was he doing this? were you not good enough for him? did he fall in love with someone else? the thought alone made you weak.

"i just... it's for the best. i'm putting you in danger every day, fans will hurt you if they find out i'm with you. i can't let that happen."

"i don't care if they try to hurt me, minho. as long as i'm with you, it’s- " you reached for his hand, and could feel your heart finally sinking to the bottom as you saw his face, screwed into an expression of hurt and resignation as he shook his head.

"just... don't forget me in the future, okay?" before you could say anything, minho was already out of his seat, grabbing his coat and his phone, already reaching for the front door.

"wait! minho-" you jumped out of your seat in alarm and desperation, clinging to his arm as he looked back at you with a pained expression.

"please- we can work this out, just don't leave me," you pleaded, tears already cascading down your face. you must've looked a pathetic mess in that moment, sniffling and sobbing, yet minho still thought you were the most beautiful person to ever exist as he memorised your face for one last time.

finally, minho turned around, cupping your face in his hands. your hands reached up to hold his, as he memorised your every detail for the last time. minho's lips found their way to your forehead, then the corner of your eyes, then your lips as he kissed you tenderly for the last time as you sobbed in his arms.

"i'm sorry." he whispered, before pushing you back as you cried out and stumbled backwards, opening the door, walking out of the apartment and out of your life.

december 25th, 2019, 11.28 pm.

your diary.

i still think of you, you know. i still see your face in the windows of that cafe shop we used to go to whenever i pass by. i know you're not in there, and i'm hallucinating. i can't go in there anymore, not without thinking of you. i can't even watch the television anymore without having to see your face. listened to your new comeback. that song was about me, wasn't it?

it's christmas now. i adopted some presents for you. you would love them, the three cats. i named them soongie, doongie, and dori. quite fitting, they're playful like you. they'll never meet their father. i still wore your hoodie, the green one i always wore every christmas. you used to wear my red hoodie, but i guess you won't be here to wear it anymore. it still smells like you.

i still wonder why you left. was such a pathetic excuse as me potentially being hurt the only reason why you would leave me? you knew i didn't care if i was hurt, so long as i was with you. you still left. i hate you for that, but deep down i could never hate you. i still love you.

january 7th, 2020, 2.35 pm.

you strolled down the busy streets of seoul, a long oversized fluffy coat resting on your shoulders and your nose pink from the cold. a sigh of relief escaped your lips when you finally stepped foot into the cozy ambience of a random cafe alongside the road, the warm air blowing gently at you helping to relieve the coldness settling into your bones. ordering a latte and a small cake which were promptly delivered to your table, you settled down to scroll through the news.

new technology developed, scientists say new machinery can effectively target and erase memories of specific people and objects. is now being offered at multiple mental health clinics nationwide at a low cost, guaranteed 90% success rate. for sign-ups and further information, please contact...

you raised your eyebrows at the news, marvelling slightly at how advanced technology seemed to be developing at this rate. thinking nothing of it, you simply continued scrolling.

january 7th, 2020, 12.02 pm.

you sighed as you flopped onto your bed, tired from a day of work and countless emails sent. feeling a warm, soft head poke it's way under your arm, you smiled softly, hand reaching out to scratch doongie's head as he meowed in content. smiling softly, you felt two large lumps jump onto your bed and settle on you, soongie choosing to settle on your feet and dori choosing to burrow his way under you arm as you giggled.

"soongie, you're so heavy," you laughing light-heartedly as your oldest cat let out a 'meow' of indignation at your words.

minho would love the cats so much...

your smile drooped, feeling that warm familiar sensation pricking at your eyes again.

god, how stupid. it had been two months already and you were still hung up on him. everywhere you went, you saw his face, on advertisments at the bus stop, billboards in the shopping districts, to even advertisments on youtube, and every single time your old memories with minho would surface and you would miss him again.

memories...

oh. the news of the memory erasure experiment.

would it hurt to try? you tried imagining forgetting minho. for him to just be another face on the billboard, a random k-pop idol to you. to forget you had ever even loved him and forget that he ever loved you. the pain would be gone. your heart would no longer ache each day, you would no longer think of him and he would no longer cloud your mind.

picking up your phone, your finger hovered above the 'call' button.

"hello? this is the seoul medical psychiatry clinic speaking. how may i help you?"

"i..." you paused, gnawing at your bottom lip.

"i would like to make an appointment."

january 19th, 2020, 1.28 pm.

"welcome! do you have a booked appointment?" the receptionist greeted cheerfully as you stepped into the reception and seating area of the clinic, a large box full of items in your hands. the hallways were filled with posters and quotes, the beanbags and seats painted in warm and soothing colours.

"yes, doctor kim at 1.35pm." you answered, watching as the receptionist typed a few words into her computer.

"ah yes, under the name yoon y/n, right?" she clicked her tongue, "for... memory erasure?" she glanced at you with a look full of sympathy, as if you were some lost wounded puppy.

"yes." you confirmed, lips pursing together slightly as you stared down at the box.

"good, and you've got your box of items already. do double check to make sure they are linked to that specific person only, we wouldn't want any erasure of other memories woth different people."

you swallowed the lump in your throat.

"yeah, i have."

"great, we'll be calling for you later, the doctor will run you through the procedure and then the operation will commence. take a seat first," she gestured to the seating area. not long after, you heard your name.

"yoon y/n?"

you hurriedly stood up, making your way towards the nurse and following her into the operation room. the operation room was white and cold, lacking any warmth and colour, filled with odd looking machinery and lab coats and tools. you were sat down on a chair, and your box of items given to the nurse who began taking them out one by one while another nurse attached a few wires to your skin to a machine on the right which measured your heart rate, a steady thump-thump-thump. the first nurse began to place your items in a row, scanning each one under a machine.

beep.

minho's green hoodie.

beep.

the snow globe the both of you had bought together at a winter festival.

beep.

polariods of you and him.

beep.

a cat plushie you had gifted him in celebration of his lastest comeback before he had left.

beep.

matching mugs the two of you had bought.

minho. everything, everywhere, everyone reminded you of minho. it felt like you were drowning, consumed by him.

"alright, i'll be placing the device on your head. the device will take you through individual memories of the person, but you will have to re-experience certain bigger core memories again as those take a longer time to process. if at any point should you feel distressed or want to stop, please press the red button beside you, and should you want to restore your memories we will reload them back into your brain. however, if you choose not to restore the memories, we will automatically delete them after 30 days." the doctor explained, showing you a strange contraption with two pulse points connecting to either side of your temple.

beside you, the heart rate measured by the machine started beeping faster.

you nodded.

the cold, tingly terminals of the device connected with either side of your temples, the unfamiliar feeling odd and alienating.

then all turned black.

"min! look, they have matching mugs! we should get them," you pointed excitedly to two mugs at a stall in a summer fair you and minho had just happened to pass by. you watched as your old self pointed to the mugs happily, "the world's best boyfriend" and "the world's best girlfriend" written on each mug respectively. "that's so cheesy," minho said, a grin on his face as he pulled you close to him by your waist. well, the old minho in your memories. it felt like a punch in the gut yet the cure to your pain as you stared at his face again in your re-lived memory, his oh-so-familar grin plastered on his stupidly handsome face. "yeah, but it's cute!" you exclaimed, turning to face minho. "pleaseeee," you begged, lips downturned in a pout and your eyes shining hopefully as you tugged on his arm. "fine," minho groans, eventually giving in into your request, feigning annoyace by rolling his eyes yet still smiling at your delighted expression.

god, you missed him so much.

the memory shifted, warping into another blurry picture.

this time, it was another memory that faded in, a memory of you and him sitting in the living room unwrapping your christmas presents. minho tore open his box eagerly, laughing as he held up a green hoodie from his favorite brand gifted to him by you, coupled with some other things like perfume and a brand new wallet. "oops... might've gifted you an accidental matching hoodie by accident," he smiled sheepishly, as you opened your present, some jewelry with . "a red hoodie! now we can match," you snickered, pulling the soft hoodie over your head and slipping it on. "hey, we look like the christmas colours!" you laughed, pouncing on him and tackling him down to make him wear his one as he whined in protest. eventually you did managed to get him to put it on and pose for some pictures, albeit him being disgruntled but still giving in to you anyways.

a tear trickled down your face, landing on your lap as your hands on the chair tightened, gripping the armrests so hard your knuckles started turning white.

the memory started to fade away.

"min! the new comeback was so good, i watched the music video just now," you exclaimed, bounding up to him the moment he opened the front door to your shared apartment. "thanks baby," he smiled, leaning in for a quick peck but suddenly finding a soft plushie being thrust into his hands. it was a plush of a brown and white striped cat, soft to the touch and extremely squishable. "what's this for?" he raised eyebrow, cocking his head in confusion as he stared at you. "it's to celebrate your comeback, I figured i'd give you something to cuddle when i'm not around you," you smiled, "i named the cat mr sprinkles." "who names a plush toy mr sprinkles?" minho laughs, watching as you huff at him about how the name was cute and he was being mean. "thank you though, i appreciate it," he kissed you softly, smiling at the small act of love.

no, stop-

you started to whimper and thrash around.

fade to black again.

"min, look," minho turned to you as you were admiring the ornaments at a booth, the both of you coming across a christmas market and deciding to explore it. "it's a snow globe of us," you pointed out to a small snow globe, with a man and women as figurines in the center of the snow globe and fake snow swirling in the water around them. "it does look like us, doesn't it?" he hummed, pressing a soft kiss into your hair as you subconsciously leaned into him. "we should get it," he suggested, smiling at how your eyes lit up and how you pressed a kiss to his cheek. the two of you purchased the item, and then bought some hot chocolate to sip on to relieve the cold setting into your bones. "jagi-ah," minho called, prompting you to look up at him before gasping in surprise. the first snow of the season. "you know, they say the person you witness the first snow with will be with you for a long, long time." minho grinned, leaning down to kiss you tenderly before intertwining your hands.

you didn't want to forget him, you realized, as you gasped for air, heartbeat skyrocketing as you tried to open your mouth to scream. no, you would never want to forget minho. you would rather cling onto those memories and deal with the pain forever than never having remembered him.

the memory faded.

you gasped in surprise as you ripped open the box, holding up a brand-new, shiny polariod camera wrapped in a gift box, its paper shreds used to cushion the camera hapazardly strewn about the floor. minho watched you with a small smile on his face, eyes sparkling as he happily obliged to any pose you wanted to do with him, groaning half-heartedly but still laughing at the silly faces you made.

the memory started to fade again.

"STOP!" your finger found the red button, desperately pressing it in an attempt to get the machine to start working. all of a sudden, you were jolted back into your consciousness in the middle of the white sterile room again, heaving and gasping for air as you tried to adjust back to the surroundings.

"are you okay? do you need to stop the operation?" the nurse asked, a concerned look on her face. beside you, the machine was beeping, a erratic rhythm.

beep. beep. beep. beep.

your hand reached up to fiddle with your necklace, looking left and right. you swallowed, a lump in your throat.

"yes."

----------

you stumbled out the clinic, hands clutching onto the box of items tightly as your eyes adjusted to the bright light of the sun.

hands shaking, you pulled out your phone.

'my love,' the contact at the top of the screen read. you hadn't called him in months, ever since he had broken up with you. you has tried for a few weeks, but day after day of missed calls was heartbreaking.

you pressed the button.

one ring.

two rings.

three rings.

four rings...

"hello?"

a voice you hadn't heard for months. a voice you had only been hearing in your dreams.

"minho-" a strangled sob left your lips.

"please." you could only force out a choked plea, tears falling rapidly, stumbling onto a nearby bench. people started at you as they walked by, a woman breaking down in a random street in seoul oddly disconcerting.

"where are you? i'll come get you." the moment you heard the concern laced in his voice, your eyes brimmed with more unshed tears, stifling a sob that threatened to escape. in the background, you could hear the sound of things being knocked over, presumably minho rushing to get to you.

you told him your location in between shaky breaths, occasional hiccups interrupting your sentence.

"just wait for me, ok? don't move anywhere," minho firmly instructed, voice soft and calming.

a few minutes passed, and he was nowhere to be found.

he would hate you for this, you realized. you didn't deserve him. he tried so hard to keep you safe, and how did you repay him? by almost erasing all memories of him. the thought of it just broke your heart even more, for if he knew what you had tried to do he would never want to have anything to do with you again.

"y/n!" you heard a voice yell, whipping around only to see minho running to you at full speed. you had never been more glad to see him, your knees instantly buckling as you collapsed into his arms, crying into the crook of his neck as you clutched onto him like a lifeline.

you didn't think you would ever get used to this feeling, you thought. his touch, warmth, his gentle strokes of your hair and whispered sweet nothings were like music to your ears, his hand coming up to rest on your back and his other coming up to gently stroke your hair as he swayed you back and forth. he had clearly just ran from dance practice, you realized, slightly sweaty and panting ever so slightly.

"what's wrong, jagi?" he murmured, soft brown eyes searching your own red and teary ones.

"i- i didn't want to remember you because it was too painful, and then i tried to erase my memories of you, but i realized i didn't want to and i really, really, really fucking miss you and it hurts-" your rambling was cut off by a hiccup, lips quivering as you stared back into his eyes.

here comes the part where he realizes your a disgusting bitch and hates you forever, you thought miserably.

"shh, it's ok," minho pulled you closer, engulfing you in his warmth as his hand rose up to cup your cheek.

what?

he was supposed to hate you, not do... this. you literally tried to erase all memories of him, he should be angry and offended, so why...?

nonetheless, you would take what you could get in what you assumed to be your last moments with him, so instead you leaned into his touch, memorising his every detail again. his soft brown eyes framed with delicate lashes, sharp nose and jawline, the pink rosy tint to his cheeks as the winter wind whipped around you.

"i'm sorry," you begged, "just don't hate me."

"i never did, silly." minho laughed softly, a wistful smile gracing his lips.

"but you left me." you said, confused.

"i left you because i loved you. it was just for your own safety, i didn't care about anything else," minho explained, brows furrowing slightly.

oh.

minho stumbled backwards as you crashed into him with a force, nearly knocking him over as you crashed your lips onto his, hands threading through his soft silky hair and teeth knocking against his. it was a heated, messy kiss, teeth clashing and tears streaming down your face, yet minho didn't seem to mind as he deepened the kiss with a fervour, all seeming to pour out of him, pain and regret, relief and want. it is only when you seperate with a gasping breath of air that you finally see his swollen, reddened lips.

“i’ll figure something out, i’ll talk to the company, make a statement or something- i won’t let anyone get to you, i promise,” he rambled, a giddy smile on his face. right now, minho could care less about the repercussions, even if he had to move mountains just to be by your side and keep you safe at the same time.

you giggled, an infectious laugh bubbling out of you. the both of you, crying in the middle of a street, hands intertwined and both a mess, yet you had never been happier with the person you truly loved.

“we'll be alright now.” you whispered. it wasn’t just a statement but a promise, one to keep forever.

december 25th, 2020, 1.43 pm.

“min! come look!” you squealed in delight, eyes lighting up when you were finally done. minho glanced over, and sure enough, you were up to mischief again, the three cats dressed in ugly christmas sweaters with cartoonish designs on them and matching hats on their heads. doongie let out a ‘meow’ of indignation, protesting as minho roared with laughter to scoop him and his fellow cats up. laughter bubbling out of your lips, you quickly grabbed your phone to take a picture of minho and the three cats, his face lighting up in amusement as he watched them try to squirm out of his grasp.

“i love you, you know that?” minho says that night, the two of you cuddled up on the couch with the cats, watching your favourite seasonal christmas movies together and snacking on popcorn.

“i don’t say it enough, partly because i’m not good at expressing myself, but i love you. your smile and personality and everything. just thought you should know.” the tips of his ears are red as he mumbles, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly.

you smile, a red tint blossoming across your cheeks as you lean in to kiss him softly.

“i love you too min.”

how did you ever get so lucky? you think, leaning in to rest your head on minho’s shoulder as you resumed watching the movie, one hand absentmindedly scratching dori’s head as he purrs in contentment. here, in the dim light of the cozy apartment with minho, love heavy in the air around you two and christmas lights twinkling merrily, you think you have everything you have ever wanted in life.

after all, it didn't really matter where you were, as long as minho was by your side.

taglist: @starseungs @missmajdastark @jazziwritesthings @layviyu @lailac13 @ana-marais98 @foxinthewild @dandelions-143 @rylea08 @linocz @minseongsworld @realrintaro @kkamismon12 @felinows @baribaaari

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error707-thatdude · 7 months

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"You were called like a curtain, split like a second, broken like a sword stuck in a rock" -----

#anyways guess whos in their strider angst and phemiec fansong feels #felt like doodlin some pain #my art #homestuck #hom3stuck #bro strider #davesprite #dave strider #pleasepleaseplease do not tag as str*dercest #ive got so many thoughts on davesprite n ive been on a good bro kick so i just #mixed them(? kinda)

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marie-swriting · 6 months

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Vous Retrouver - Eddie Munson

Superache Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

Résumé : Tu es de retour à Hawkins après avoir passé plusieurs mois loin de ton petit ami, Eddie à cause de l'Université.

Warnings : angst, fin triste, sous-entendus sexuels, mention de parent alcoolique, dites-moi si j'en ai loupés d'autres.

Nombre de mots : 4.6k

Version anglaise

Chanson qui m'a inspiré : Astronomy by Conan Gray

Tu quittes le car et va récupérer ton sac dans la soute. Tes affaires en main, tu parcours le parking des yeux, cherchant le van d’Eddie. Tu n’es pas rentrée chez toi depuis les vacances de Noël et tu es actuellement en vacances de printemps, pas une fois pendant ce moment loin de l’autre vous avez eu l’occasion de vous revoir. Tu es nerveuse à l’idée de le retrouver, tu dois l’avouer. Vous n’aviez jamais passé autant de temps séparés auparavant.

Avant de partir pour la fac de New York, tu avais des doutes sur votre relation. Tu pensais qu’il serait préférable de redevenir de simples amis, mais il t’a convaincu en t’affirmant que la distance amenait l’affection alors tu as accepté de rester avec lui.

Les premières semaines, tu pensais sincèrement que ça allait fonctionner. Après tout, même si vous ne pouviez pas vous voir autant, vous pouviez toujours vous appeler. Eddie avait également réussi à venir te voir quelques week-ends, malheureusement, le car est trop cher. Alors vous avez convenu que c’était mieux de rester au téléphone. Ça avait marché jusqu’à ce que les révisions en aient décidé autrement.

Vous n’avez pas pu vous contacter depuis un moment et maintenant, tu ne peux plus le nier, l’université et la distance commencent à affecter votre relation. Toutefois, tu as un léger espoir que tout s’arrange pendant tes vacances. En effet, en revenant pour Noël, votre relation était redevenue comme avant au bout d’un moment. Jusqu’à ce que tu partes à nouveau - mais tu ne veux pas repenser à ce détail.

Tu continues à chercher le van d’Eddie quand tu entends quelqu’un courir vers toi. Sans que tu puisses réagir, tu sens des bras entourés ton corps. La simple odeur de cologne t’aide à comprendre qu’il s’agit d’Eddie. Tu n’attends pas et le serres contre toi, poussant un soupir, apaisée de sentir son corps. Soudainement, il te lève du sol avant de te faire tourner. Tu ris en le voyant en faire trop, comme d’habitude. Quand il te repose, il n’attend pas avant de se pencher et de t’embrasser. Ses lèvres t’avaient manqué encore plus que tu l’imaginais. Vos lèvres bougent doucement pendant plusieurs secondes. Quand vous vous séparez, Eddie te regarde avec tendresse, un grand sourire au visage.

-J’attendais ça depuis la seconde où tu es partie.

-Tu m’as tellement manqué.

-Je suis si heureux que tu sois là, dit-il en caressant ta joue. Tu dois être fatiguée par la route en car, malheureusement, on a encore de la route avant d’arriver à Hawkins.

Eddie prend ton sac dans sa main gauche et saisit la tienne avec sa main de libre. Vous marchez jusqu’à son van et tu t’installes à la place passager pendant qu’il met tes affaires à l’arrière. Quand il te rejoint, Eddie démarre la voiture et commence à rouler en direction votre ville natale. En sortant du parking, Eddie allume le lecteur de cassettes et Oh! Darling des Beatles remplit l'habitacle. En un mouvement de tête, tu le regardes avec de grands yeux.

-Est-ce que j’ai enfin réussi à te convertir aux Beatles ? Tu as enfin acheté une de leurs cassettes ?

-Pas du tout. Je voulais te faire plaisir alors je suis passé chez toi en chercher une avant de venir, se défend-il mais tu vois clair dans son jeu.

-Je n’ai pas cette cassette.

-Bon d’accord, je l’ai achetée, confesse Eddie après une seconde. Mais c’est juste parce que j’avais besoin d’avoir ta présence pendant que tu étais à la fac.

-On qu’à dire ça, rigoles-tu.

-Par contre, je suis vraiment passé chez toi. Ta mère m’a dit qu’elle travaillait ce soir donc, tu peux rester chez moi.

-Parfait.

Tu augmentes le volume et commences à chantonner les paroles. Eddie pose une main sur ta cuisse, content d’enfin te retrouver physiquement.

Sur la route, vous parlez de ce qui est arrivé dans vos vies. En temps normal, vous êtes plutôt à jour sur la vie de l’autre, mais ces dernières semaines, ça a été plus compliqué. Eddie te parle de sa dernière campagne et de sa dernière note en mathématiques. Pendant que tu l’écoutes parler, tu te rends compte que tu as manqué pas mal de choses. Tu tentes de te rassurer en te disant que c’est normal, vous avez seulement besoin de vous retrouver, ce n’est rien de grave. Cependant, plus le trajet dure, plus tu as cette impression que tu dois réapprendre à connaître Eddie.

Quand vous arrivez à Hawkins, vous passez d’abord dans les quartiers riches. Malgré toi, tu regardes les maisons et tu ne peux t’empêcher de t’imaginer un jour vivant dans l’une d’entre elles. Même si tu es contente d’avoir le toit de ton bungalow sur la tête, tu ne dirais pas non à une maison, aussi petite soit-elle.

-Du nouveau dans le quartier ? questionnes-tu.

-C’est Hawkins, il y a jamais grand chose qui se passe. Mais je suis désolé de t’annoncer qu’on nous a volé notre maison.

“Votre maison” est un domicile se situant à la fin d’un des quartiers riches. Les propriétaires ne restent jamais longtemps donc vous l’avez souvent vu en vente. Un soir quand vous aviez dix ans, vous aviez décrété qu’elle serait votre maison quand vous seriez grand.

-Ils n’ont pas osé ! t’exclames-tu, la main sur ton cœur.

-Oh si ! Une famille avec un gosse de cinq ans, un vrai petit morveux. Mais bon, on a encore un espoir. Le jour où on aura enfin l’argent, ils auront peut-être déménagé. Enfin, si on arrive à être considéré comme des gens respectables pour vivre dans ce quartier respectable, déclare Eddie en prenant un faux air snob.

-Je crois qu’on a plus de chance de devenir milliardaires.

-On arrivera à avoir cette maison. N’oublie pas, Corroded Coffin va décoller et toi, tu deviendras une grande actrice. On sera le couple iconique et on deviendra trop bien pour cette ville. Tu verras, affirme-t-il avec un grand sourire.

-Je suis sûre que tu y arriveras, tu as un vrai talent. Quant à moi, eh bien, je pense que j’ai plus de chance de devenir serveuse professionnelle qu’actrice. Je n’arrive pas à dépasser la première audition, avoues-tu avec une moue triste.

-J’ai confiance en toi, tu vas réussir. Le rôle parfait t’attend. Quand tu seras célèbre, tous ces directeurs de casting regretteront le moment où ils n’ont pas su reconnaître ta valeur.

-Et pour toi, les gens du lycée n’arrêteront pas de dire qu’ils étaient avec toi, la superstar Eddie Munson et tu pourras leur faire le plus beau doigt d’honneur en disant qu’ils étaient des connards.

-Oh, je vais totalement faire ça ! te confirme Eddie, te faisant rire.

Vous continuez à parler de votre potentiel futur de célébrités jusqu’à ce que vous arriviez au parc à roulottes d’Hawkins en fin de journée. Avant d’aller dans le bungalow des Munson, vous passez chez toi pour poser ton sac dans ta petite chambre. Tu ne prends pas d’affaires, ayant tout ce dont tu as besoin chez lui et s’il te manque quelque chose, tu as juste à aller dans le bungalow d’en face.

Ce soir-là, vous passez votre soirée à regarder des films tout en discutant - vous passez également pas mal de temps à vous embrasser. Tu es contente de retrouver Eddie après tout ce temps. Tu ressens encore cette sensation désagréable que les choses ont changé, mais ce soir à l'air d’être un bon début vers un retour à la normale.

Toutefois, il va vous falloir un peu de temps.

Autrefois, tu pouvais t’endormir en un instant pourvu que tu avais les bras d’Eddie autour de ta taille. Maintenant, tu as les yeux grand ouverts alors que tu n’arrêtes pas de réfléchir. Eddie, contrairement à toi, dort comme un loir. Il change de position dans le lit, son bras quittant ton corps. Normalement, il aurait tout de suite réalisé ce manque de contact et t’aurait cherché tout en dormant, mais pas cette nuit. Il continue de dormir paisiblement, de légers ronflements quittant ses lèvres. Ça peut paraître insignifiant, mais pour toi, c’est un autre signe. Eddie est quelqu’un de tactile, endormi ou non. Tu n’aimes pas voir qu’il s’est habitué à ton absence au point qu’il peut dormir sans te sentir près de lui.

À cette pensée, tu te trouves ridicule. Tu ne vas pas remettre toute votre relation en question juste parce qu’il n’est pas contre toi quand il dort tout de même ? Tu secoues la tête avant de rapprocher ton corps d’Eddie et de poser ta tête contre sa nuque. Tout retournera à la normale. Il le faut.

Les jours suivants, vous arrivez à vous retrouver un peu plus.

Alors que vous devriez vous avancer dans vos devoirs, tu es à califourchon sur Eddie pendant que vous vous embrassez, vos cahiers oubliés sur le sol. Tes mains se perdent dans les cheveux d’Eddie alors que les siennes sont sur tes hanches. Vous vous embrassez au point d’oublier de respirer. Vous reprenez rapidement votre souffle avant qu’Eddie repose ses lèvres sur les tiennes. Vous continuez à vous embrasser jusqu’à ce que les mains d’Eddie commencent à se balader sous ton tee-shirt. À son touché, tu te sépares de lui et le regardes tendrement. Eddie essaye de rapprocher ton visage du tiens, mais tu l’arrêtes.

-On doit bosser, déclares-tu, le faisant lever les yeux au ciel.

-On a tout le temps pour faire ça. On devrait profiter du moment présent, affirme Eddie en embrassant ton cou.

-Sauf que si on profite, on est pas près de finir nos devoirs et je sais pas pour toi, mais ma dissertation est longue, insistes-tu en éloignant la tête d’Eddie de ta nuque où tu vois un sourire taquin. Pas de sous-entendu !

-Je n’ai rien dit ! se défend-il en levant les mains en l’air pour prouver son innocence.

-Je te connais, Eddie. On fait nos devoirs comme ça, on pourra les laisser derrière nous.

-Mais, je veux pas ! Et puis, tu fais que bosser, une pause pourrait te faire du bien.

-Plus tard. Allez, c’est pas comme ça que tu vas pouvoir quitter le lycée, dis-tu en quittant ses jambes.

-Mais je ne comprends rien à ce devoir de physique !

-Je peux t’aider, proposes-tu et il ne semble pas encore convaincu. Plus vite on aura fini, plus vite on pourra reprendre.

Pour le motiver un peu plus, tu l’embrasses chastement avant de lui tendre son cahier et son livre. Non sans soupirer d’agacement, Eddie les prend et se replonge dans ses devoirs. Quant à toi, tu relis ce que tu as écrit pour ta dissertation. Tu essayes de reprendre ton argumentation, mais tes yeux dérivent sur Eddie. Son expression concentrée amène un sourire sur ton visage.

Le moment que vous venez de partager te donne un peu d’espoir. Malgré la distance, physique et émotionnelle, vous êtes encore attachés à l’autre. Plus tu regardes Eddie et moins tu as envie de travailler sur ta dissertation. Sans prévenir, tu enlèves le cahier d’Eddie de ses genoux et l’embrasses avec passion. Eddie n’a pas besoin de se faire prier pour répondre à ton baiser.

Tu es revenue à Hawkins depuis six jours et tes peurs ont enfin quitté ton esprit. Eddie et toi avez dû rattraper pas mal de choses, mais vous êtes comme avant. Tu n’avais aucune raison de t’inquiéter. Vous passez pratiquement toutes vos journées ensemble et tu en es plus que contente.

Ce jour-là ne déroge pas à la règle. Eddie vient te chercher pour sa répétition avec Corroded Coffin. Tu ne l’as pas entendu jouer avec son groupe depuis plusieurs mois et tu as hâte de voir les nouvelles chansons qu’ils ont écrites. De plus, tu n’as pas pu revoir tous les membres du groupe depuis ton retour.

Dans le garage de Gareth, tu es assise sur une chaise - Eddie refuse que tu sois à même le sol - pendant que tu les écoutes jouer. Ils jouent d’abord quelques reprises avant de faire des anciennes chansons que tu connais par coeur. Eddie ne peut s’empêcher de te regarder pendant qu’il chante, content de t’avoir à ses côtés.

Eddie commence une autre chanson et avant de chanter, il t’annonce qu’elle est nouvelle. Intriguée, tu te réinstalles sur ta chaise, voulant être à l’aise pendant l’écoute. Eddie commence à chanter et tu réalises tout de suite qu’il t’a écrit une chanson. Tu n’as pas eu besoin qu’il chante plus de trois lignes pour le comprendre. Il utilise certains éléments quand il écrit sur toi et tu sais les repérer en un instant.

Au début, tu es touchée. Certes, ce n’est pas la première chanson qu’il t’écrit, mais tu es toujours émue de voir que tu l’inspires. Toutefois, le sourire que tu avais sur ton visage disparaît quand tu réalises le sens de sa chanson. Il parle de sa peur de te perdre à cause de la distance. Tu as un pincement au cœur en réalisant que tu n’étais pas la seule à l’avoir compris. Les larmes te montent aux yeux quand il évoque le manque de communication entre vous deux. Il ne t’accuse pas, il exprime seulement qu’à cause de vos routines si différentes, vous pouvez de moins en moins vous parler. Cependant, sa chanson se finit sur une note positive. Eddie affirme que rien ne pourrait vous séparer car votre amour est plus fort. Quand il termine de chanter, tu te lèves et le prends dans tes bras. Eddie répond à ton étreinte avant de te murmurer un “je t’aime” auquel tu réponds.

Vous restez chez Gareth toute la journée et pendant la soirée, Eddie et toi retournez chez lui. Vous faites votre routine habituelle jusqu’à ce que vous soyez fatigués.

Toutefois, tu n’arrives pas à dormir. Le bras d’Eddie est enroulé autour de ta taille pendant que tu regardes le plafond en repensant à sa chanson et à votre relation.

Votre amour est toujours là, c’est un fait, mais pendant encore combien de temps ? Quand vous êtes à Hawkins, tout semble être simple et quand tu es loin, tout est différent. Ça avait déjà été dur pendant les vacances de Noël, votre relation en avait pris un coup, mais ces derniers mois, c’est pire. Vous avez beau vous retrouver, il y a toujours ce fossé entre vous deux. Tu as l’impression que deux planètes vous séparent. Et Eddie à l’air d’en être conscient également. Tu es frustrée de voir que quelque chose ne va pas, sans vraiment comprendre comment arranger les choses.

Tu pousses un soupire et poses tes yeux sur Eddie. Tu remarques que ces boucles cachent une petite partie de son visage. Avec ta main, tu les enlèves, te permettant de l’admirer complètement. Eddie ne sursaute même pas à ton touché, ayant le sommeil lourd. Tu regardes avec plus d’attention ces quelques tatouages, dont un nouveau sur son avant bras droit, avant de poser tes yeux sur son torse se soulevant au rythme de ses respirations. Tu espères trouver le sommeil en les suivant, en vain.

Tu lèves tes yeux au ciel avant de te dégager doucement des bras d’Eddie et d’aller dans la cuisine. Tu te sers un verre d’eau et restes dans la pièce pendant plusieurs minutes, perdue dans tes pensées. Quand tu entends la porte, tu reprends tes esprits. Wayne apparaît devant toi et tu le salues. Il n’est pas surpris de te voir chez lui. Il a l’habitude.

-Tu n’es pas couchée ? questionne Wayne en se rapprochant de toi.

-J’avais juste soif, expliques-tu en posant ton verre dans le lavabo.

-Tout va bien entre toi et Eddie ? demande-t-il de but en blanc. Je sais que la distance n’est pas toujours facile à supporter, ajoute Wayne sans te laisser le temps de répondre. Eddie est comme un chien perdu sans toi. Tu lui manques beaucoup, plus qu’il ne veut bien l’avouer. Il t’évoque à chaque occasion, même quand le sujet n’a rien à voir avec toi. C’est un peu trop parfois, mais c’est comme ça qu’il aime Eddie. C’est un bon gamin et il mérite que quelqu’un le voit comme il est réellement. Avec toi, il se sent bien, il se donne à fond. Même quand c’est pour le lycée. Il veut vraiment avoir son diplôme et te rejoindre.

Suite au discours de l’oncle d’Eddie, tu ne peux t’empêcher de sentir ton cœur se réchauffer. Tu ignorais que tu avais un tel impact sur Eddie. Wayne est reconnaissant que tu sois dans la vie d’Eddie, mais tu l’es tout autant. Sans Eddie, tout serait plus compliqué.

-J’espère qu’il pourra me rejoindre, ça sera plus simple quand on sera tous les deux à New-York. Il me manque beaucoup aussi, avoues-tu avant de sentir l’émotion monter. Je vais te laisser te reposer. Bonne nuit, finis-tu.

-Bonne nuit.

Tu vas dans la chambre d’Eddie, fermes la porte derrière toi et te recouches dans le lit. Instinctivement, Eddie se colle à toi. Tu le serres un peu plus contre toi et embrasses sa joue tendrement.

Pour une fois depuis ton retour, tu es chez toi sans Eddie. Ta mère a enfin un peu de temps libre donc tu veux en profiter.

Ta relation avec ta mère a toujours été particulière. Quand tu étais enfant, elle n’était pas la mère parfaite. Elle n’arrivait pas à garder un travail et son amour pour l’alcool n’aidait pas. Elle n’a jamais été méchante avec toi, elle était juste distante émotionnellement. Heureusement, il y a deux ans, elle a compris qu’elle ne pouvait pas continuer ainsi. Elle te perdait de jour en jour et elle se détestait pour ça. Alors, elle a tout fait pour s’en sortir, abandonnant l’alcool pour être la mère que tu mérites. Il y a des périodes moins faciles que d’autres, mais rien à avoir avec quand tu étais enfant.

Ta mère est reconnaissante pour Eddie. Elle sait qu’il t’a soutenu quand elle n’était pas apte à le faire. Elle l’a toujours porté dans son cœur, malgré les rumeurs. Pour elle, Eddie est le seul à aimer sa fille comme elle le mérite, c’est ce qui compte.

Ta mère et toi êtes installées sur le canapé en train de regarder une comédie que vous avez vu un nombre incalculable de fois. Vous pourriez réciter les dialogues pendant votre sommeil. Parfois, vous discutez de sujets lambdas durant le film, ta mère toujours contente d’en apprendre plus sur ta nouvelle vie.

Vous rigolez à gorge déployée face à une de vos scènes préférées quand quelqu'un frappe à la porte. Ta mère met le film en pause alors que tu vas ouvrir la porte. Tu découvres Eddie que tu n’as pas vu ces deux derniers jours.

-Hey, je voulais savoir si tu voulais venir avec moi au centre commercial Starcourt. Je dois m’acheter quelques trucs. On peut aussi aller se prendre une glace.

-Désolée Eddie, je suis avec ma mère aujourd’hui, informes-tu en te grattant la nuque. Elle a enfin un peu de repos.

-Je comprends. On peut se voir demain ? demande-t-il avec de l’espoir dans la voix.

-J’aurais adoré, mais on a déjà prévu quelque chose.

-Oh, d’accord.

-Je m’excuse.

-Ce n’est pas grave, t’assure Eddie en prenant ta main. Faut bien que tu passes du temps avec ta mère aussi, je comprends. Appelle-moi quand tu es libre. Passe-lui le bonjour de ma part, amusez-vous bien.

Eddie embrasse chastement tes lèvres avant de partir. Tu refermes la porte et soupires. Ta mère te regarde depuis le canapé, perdue. Tu retournes au canapé sans dire un mot, une expression préoccupée sur le visage.

-Tu aurais pu y aller, tu sais, dit ta mère. Et demain, on ne fait rien de spécial. Eddie aurait très bien pu se joindre à nous.

-Je veux passer du temps avec toi seule, c’est tout.

-Qu’est-ce qu’il y a, Y/N ? demande-t-elle, sachant que tu mens. Je peux voir que quelque chose te tracasse.

-Ce n’est rien. Tu peux relancer le film, affirmes-tu en évitant son regard.

Ta mère ne touche pas à la télécommande et pose sa main sur ton visage pour attirer ton attention.

-Ecoute, je sais que je n’ai pas toujours été là pour toi, mais je le suis maintenant. Tu peux me parler. Il s’est passé quelque chose entre toi et Eddie ?

-Pas vraiment. Je suis un peu perdue, c’est tout, confesses-tu tout bas. Je… Je ne sais pas si notre relation va tenir le coup.

Et sur ces mots, tu exploses en sanglots. Rapidement, ta mère te prend dans ses bras. Elle essaye de te calmer alors que tu lui expliques toute la situation. Tu parles de la distance, de cette sensation d’être face à un étranger que tu connaissais autrefois, de l’impression de perdre Eddie à petit feu, malgré tes sentiments toujours présents. Elle t’écoute attentivement, te laissant l’opportunité de vider ton sac. C’est la première fois que tu te confies sur ta relation avec Eddie depuis ton départ pour l’université.

En lui disant tout ce que tu as en tête, tu réalises à quel point tu souffres de la situation. Tu aimerais que tout soit comme avant, quand tout était plus simple, quand tu étais encore au lycée avec Eddie. Tu aurais aimé rester avec lui plutôt que de partir.

Quand tu as fini de tout raconter, tu continues de pleurer alors que ta mère continue à t’apaiser. Quand tes larmes se calment, ta mère éloigne ton visage de son cou pour te regarder dans les yeux.

-Ma puce, je suis désolée que ça soit compliqué entre vous deux.

-Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Je ne veux pas le perdre, pleures-tu.

-Je crois que c’est déjà le cas.

-Mais je l’aime.

-Parfois, ça ne suffit pas, déclare-t-elle, te faisant monter les larmes aux yeux à nouveau. Tu me l’as dit toi-même, quand vous n’êtes pas ensemble, vous êtes comme des étrangers.

-Mais quand il aura son diplôme, tout sera plus simple. Il sera avec moi à nouveau, argumentes-tu en essuyant tes joues.

-Ça sera peut-être trop tard d’ici là. À Noël, tu avais déjà cette impression de le perdre et maintenant, c’est pire alors imagine dans les mois à venir. Parfois, tu as beau aimer une personne, ce n’est pas fait pour durer et ce n’est pas grave. Ça ne veut pas dire que votre relation n’a pas compté.

-Il est mon meilleur ami depuis l’enfance. On peut pas tout perdre à cause de la fac. On ne peut pas.

-Ça ne veut pas dire que vous ne vous retrouverez pas un jour. Vous êtes encore jeune, rien n’est définitif. Et puis, vous grandissez. Peut-être que tu as besoin de grandir loin de lui et lui loin de toi afin de mieux vous aimer, tente-t-elle de te rassurer en vain.

-Tu crois que je devrais rompre ?

-Tu sais que j’adore Eddie et je vois à quel point tu étais heureuse avec lui, mais ce n’est plus le cas. Tu es malheureuse et vous n’arrivez pas à faire cette relation à distance. Je pense qu’il est temps d’arrêter avant que ça ne se finisse mal, conseille ta mère.

-Je ne veux pas lui briser le cœur, murmures-tu.

-Il se brisera à un moment.

Les larmes coulent à nouveau sur tes joues en réalisant que ta mère a raison. Tu ne le veux pas, mais elle a raison. Tu as beau essayer de te voiler la face, ta relation avec Eddie ne fonctionne plus. Tu te jettes à nouveau dans les bras de ta mère, ayant besoin de son réconfort alors que tu continues de déverser ta tristesse.

Tu évites Eddie jusqu’à la veille de ton départ. Tu lui sors des excuses plus ou moins crédibles et à chaque fois que tu entends la déception dans sa voix, tu t’en veux. Depuis la discussion avec ta mère, tu as accepté que tu devais rompre, mais tu ne sais pas comment t’y prendre alors tu ne fais rien, malgré les encouragements de ta mère.

Cependant, tu ne peux plus attendre. Tu dois le faire ce soir, avant de repartir. Tu ne peux pas le laisser penser que votre relation continue alors qu’elle s’est fini depuis un moment. Alors, tu prends ton courage à deux mains et te diriges vers le bungalow d’Eddie. Tu prends une profonde inspiration avant de frapper à la porte. Quand Eddie te voit, il est d’abord surpris, pensant que tu serais en train de faire ton sac.

-Hey, je peux entrer ?

-Bien sûr, dit-il en se décalant. Qu’est-ce que tu fais là ? questionne Eddie en refermant la porte derrière toi.

-Je voulais te parler.

-De quoi ?

-De nous. Il faut qu’on parle de nous.

-Tu veux rompre, n’est-ce pas ? demande-t-il et tu fronces les sourcils en réalisant qu’il a compris. Ne sois pas surprise, j’ai bien remarqué que tu m’as ignoré ces derniers temps. Alors, pourquoi ? J’ai fait quelque chose qui fallait pas ? Tu as compris que je ne suis pas assez bien pour toi ?

-Non, ce n’est pas ça. Tu n’as rien fait de mal. Tu es parfait, affirmes-tu en évitant son regard.

-Mais ?

-Mais ça ne fonctionne plus entre nous.

-Qu’est-ce que tu veux dire ? On s’aime, déclare Eddie avant d’avoir un doute. On s’aime, hein ?

-Je t’aime, oui, mais ça ne suffit plus. Eddie, on s’est trop éloignés ces derniers mois. Ce n’est plus comme avant, confesses-tu et tu vois la panique dans ses yeux.

-Si c’est parce qu’on ne se voit pas, on peut arranger ça. J’ai mis de côté et je pourrai venir te voir. Peut-être pas tous les week-ends, mais au moins un sur deux.

-Tu ne vas pas toucher à tes économies pour moi.

-Si ça signifie être encore avec toi, si, je vais le faire.

-Tu dois garder ton argent pour ton futur.

-Mais je veux un futur avec toi, dit-il d’un ton déterminé. On doit réaliser nos rêves ensemble, acheter notre maison... Vivre ensemble.

-J’aimerais faire tout ça aussi. Mais c’est trop tard, contredis-tu en retenant tes larmes.

-Il doit y avoir une solution. On peut encore sauver notre couple.

-On doit arrêter, Eddie. Je suis désolée.

En t’entendant prononcer ces mots, Eddie baisse le regard, ne voulant pas que tu vois la douleur dans ses yeux, mais tu l’as remarqué. Ton cœur se serre en imaginant ce qu’il doit ressentir. Eddie reste silencieux pendant quelques secondes, assimilant tes paroles.

-Donc, tu vas tout abandonner ? Après tout ce qu’on a vécu, tu vas tout balancer parce qu’on a dû mal à surmonter cette épreuve ? rétorque-t-il, frustré et avec les larmes aux yeux.

-Ça ne sert à rien d’insister ! Arrête d’essayer de trouver une solution alors qu’il n’y en a pas. On a essayé et ça ne marche pas. En décembre, ça ne fonctionnait déjà presque plus et maintenant, c’est pire alors il faut arrêter les dégâts, t’emportes-tu avant de reprendre d’un ton plus doux : Eddie, tu seras toujours important pour moi. Tu es celui avec qui j’ai tout partagé, celui avec qui je m’entends le mieux. On avait tout pour que ça fonctionne, mais ce n’est plus le cas. On doit arrêter. On aurait dû arrêter avant que je parte. Je suis désolée, chuchotes-tu en posant tes mains sur ses joues. Je n’ai jamais voulu te faire de mal, mais si on continuait ça serait pire. Je sais qu’au fond de toi tu sais que c’est la chose à faire.

-Je ne veux pas te perdre, confesse-t-il en commençant à pleurer.

-Moi non plus, dis-tu avant de le prendre dans tes bras.

Vous restez enlacés pendant un moment alors que vos larmes coulent sur vos joues. Même si tu t’étais préparée mentalement, la souffrance est tout aussi forte. Jamais tu n’aurais pensé te séparer d’Eddie.

Tu te détestes pour son coeur brisé. Son regard abattu quand tu lui as dit que vous deviez arrêter sera à jamais gravé dans ta mémoire. Tu tentes de te rassurer en te disant que tu as bien fait de mettre fin à votre relation - Eddie ne l’aurait jamais fait. Cependant, cette pensée ne te console pas. Tu aurais aimé que tout soit différent.

Superache Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

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dementedspeedster · 2 years

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#//watching the shenanigans go down #and i legitimately almost forgot that part of the thread happened. I was there! XD #I was too caught up in the angst and drama of it all that I nearly forgot Thad half str//pped there.#//just doing that so i don't get any weird bots

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torushawty · 10 months

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reblogs & interactions always appreciated :)

all works are rightfully owned by kazushawty. song recs are for you to listen to while reading for extra immersion !!

scroll all the way down for his second masterlist *sigh*

| key: [ 🔞 ] = smut [ 💢 ] = angst [ 🌀 ] = fluff / “sfw”

#FICS + ONESHOTS

[ ★ ] PROMISCUOUS GIRL + approx. wc = 3.6k / estimated reading time / 16 minutes / modern / str!p club! au / 🔞 / str!pper reader /

SUMMARY: toji visits a str!p club and a cute little new str!pper girl catches his eye quick.

SONG REC: promiscuous & the way i are

[ ★ ] AIRPLANE AIRHEAD + approx. wc = 5.9k / estimated reading time / 26.22 minutes / modern / airplane au! / passenger! toji / flight attendant reader🔞

SUMMARY: toji has a little too much fun tormenting the new cute flight attendant in first class.

SONG REC: in for it

WWW.PIXELATED.PRINCESS + approx. wc = 5.1k / estimated reading time / 22.67 minutes / modern / cam!au / maid + c4mgirl reader / 🔞 /

SUMMARY: toji finds out his pretty maid isn’t as innocent as he thinks once he walks in on her during her cam show.

SONG REC: cyber s!x

[ ★ ] TINDER LEG BINDER + approx. wc = 4.7k / estimated reading time / 20.89 minutes / modern / toxic + possessive ex! bf toji / 🔞 /

SUMMARY: toji catfishes his pretty little ex-girlfriend on tinder because he’s bored. the sheer thought of you being with another man makes him giggle.

SONG REC: let me love you

[ ★ ] SOPRANO SCREAMER + approx. wc = 7.8k / estimated reading time / 35.07 minutes / modern / rockstar! au / rockstar! toji / fangirl! reader / 🔞 /

SUMMARY: so many thirsty groupies but you want your favorite dílf rockstar to know that you‘re his #1 biggest fan.

SONG REC: party monster

1-800-BRAT-WANTED + approx. wc = 6.0k / estimated reading time / 22.67 minutes /modern / jjk au / assassin! toji / bounty reader / 🔞 /

SUMMARY: toji takes a bounty worth $100k but he didn't expect his wanted target to look so pretty.

SONG REC: starboy

EX-RINGER-F!NGERED + approx. wc = 6.1k / estimated reading time / 27.11 minutes / jjk au / modern / toxic + possessive ex-husband! toji / angst ending / 🔞 / 💢 /

SUMMARY: perhaps going to your ex-husband‘s costume party wasn‘t the brightest idea.

SONG REC: try me & hurt you

[ ★ ] BACKSTAGE BACK ARCHER + approx. wc = 5.3k / estimated reading time / over 20 mins / rockstar! au / rockstar! toji / delusional reader / mean! dom toji / 🔞 /

SUMMARY: toji has a little too much fun with his #1 biggest fan. The paparazzi can’t stand you and neither can his die-hard groupies.

SONG REC: kissland

#THIRSTS/ASKS

virgin reader x toji [🔞]

toji edging you [🔞]

arranged marriage toji [🔞]

ceo toji x breeding k!nk [🔞]

twitter famous toji [🔞]

making a bet w toji / he loses [🔞]

in the shower w toji [🔞]

toji seeing you in a sundress [🔞]

one night stand w toji [🔞]

toji seeing you in a bikini for the first time [🔞]

toji eating it from the back [🔞] — ★

birthday s!x w toji [🔞] DEDICATED TO HOSHI !! <3

seven mins in heaven [🔞]

spit / daddy k1nk w toji [🔞] — ★

makeup s!x w toji eating your 🐱 [🔞]

asking toji to record you [🔞]

bodyguard trope [not smut related]

ex baby daddy toji [🔞]

difference between faster & harder w toji [🔞]

toji making out with you after eating your 🐱 [🔞] — ★

toji handling his girl as she’s ab to fight someone [🌀]

toji x public play [🔞]

motorcyclist toji [🔞]

spin the bottle feat. gojo [🔞]

toji & reader w oral fixation [🔞]

toji‘s reaction to seeing you in booty shorts [🔞]

racer toji [🔞]

spit + praise + daddy k1nk [🔞]

c0ckwarm1ng toji [🔞]

toji comforting you with period cramps [🌀]

toji with a shy gf [🌀]

impact play w toji [🔞]

toji f!ckin you like he can’t life w/o you [🔞]

toji in black suit / size k1nk [🔞] — ★

toji reaction to you singing explicit words [🌀]

toji turning on your toy while at a formal dinner [🔞]

c!ckwarming toji while he’s doing paperwork [🔞]

toji x insecure gf [🌀]

toji saying no to you for the first time [🌀]

toji x reader w attachment issues [🌀]

toji x bimbo reader [🌀]

toji reaction to you having n!pple piercings [🔞]

toji giving you hickeys/bite marks on your neck [🔞]

sucking toji’s n1pple pierced t!ts [🔞]

#DRABBLES

toji spanking your 🐱 [🔞] — ★

dilf toji make you answer your ex’s call [🔞] — ★

giving toji head on your birthday [🔞]

how toji eats it [🔞]

toji x insecure chubby! reader [🔞]

toji “helping” his college gf study [🔞]

relaxing pool day with toji [🌀]

toji taming a spoiled brat gf [🔞] — ★

toji calming you down after you’re pissed [🌀]

using your safe word [🔞]

d!lf toji making you squ!rt for the first time [🔞] — ★

toji x v!grin reader [🔞] — ★

riding toji‘s thigh [🔞]

play fighting to something else w toji [🔞] — ★

trying on clothes / toji f!cking you in the clothes [🔞]

calling toji daddy by accident [🔞] — ★

jealous toji x college gf reader [🌀]

toji with crybaby gf [🔞] — ★

aftercare with toji [suggestive]

toji suggesting a new position [🔞] — ★

smart mouth reader x toji [🔞]

making out with toji [suggestive]

angry rough toji / reader [🔞]

toji’s favorite positions [🔞]

toji making you 💦 again [🔞]

boyfriend toji headcanons [🌀]

shy gf x toji who forces eye contact [🔞] — ★

toji using a vibe on you while intimate [🔞]

toji taking care of you while you’re sick [🌀]

toji eating you out with tongue piercing [🔞]

toji putting you in headlock while riding him [🔞] — ★

sucking toji’s fingers [🔞]

riding toji while sucking his fingers [🔞] — ★

toji with a size k!nk [🔞] — ★

toji teaching you how to give head [🔞] — ★

more toji putting you in a headlock [🔞]

shiu x toji sharing you [🔞]

╰┈➤ finished? direct me to more toji content, karma !

#— ( ★) TOJI FUSHIGURO!#EC: KYRPTON with permission

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yanderestarangel · 7 months

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𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐊𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐌𝐊1 | TRIO LIN KUEI | "-𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆?"

TW: afab anatomy, voyeurism, masturbation, no pronouns used other than "you", angst.

𝅄 ֗ ݊ Scenario 1 - You get caught by them moaning their name.

⟣─ TOMAS VRBADA | SMOKE

He would hear your moans because they were a little too loud, he would feel guilty as he listened and gathered the courage to come in and talk to you, but he would soon turn even redder when he heard you moaning his name while burying your fingers in your pussy each time taller, Tomas previously hard cock is dirty with pre-cum and marking his pants, he would take courage entering the room at once, seeing you get scared and cover yourself, he would try to hide his erection but soon he would try and walk the tip of the his bed, looking deeply at you with his sea blue eyes lightly running his warm fingers along your thighs and asking if you needed help to cum and that he felt the same way about you.

⟣─ BI HAN | SUB ZERO

He would first think that you were in need of some kind of help, so he would immediately take a spare kunai from his waist and go towards your room, slowly opening a small opening in the door and finding you completely naked between the sheets and your body shining. of sweat, soon being petrified there, he knew it was wrong to spy on this kind of thing, however, he couldn't look away from you feeling the pulse in your pants, Bi Han soon takes a deep breath and when he was about to leave he hears you moan more loudly and now his name, he feels his head buzz aggressively and lets the lust take over his reason. He slowly opens the door and stays there until you notice his presence, you get scared and try to cover yourself but Bi Han's big hands take the sheet off you, letting the light shine on your wet pussy from a failed attempt to cum, he asks how long you've been hiding that you like him, soon seeing you become more embarrassed and small tears gather at the edges of your eyes, taking one of your hands to your face, staring at your face, slowly opening your legs, he would really make you moan so much. loud that the entire Liu Kuei clan would hear.

⟣─ KUAI LIANG | SCORPION

He would think you were watching some kind of movie so he didn't care much since you two had a mission in less than half an hour, so the man got ready, putting on the chains to do the task but the volume of the moans were too loud and echoed out of the room, catching his attention, then left the room, going to the bedroom and lightly pushing the door, already open, finding you on your side, desperately massaging the flesh of your pussy while biting your lips, trying to contain your moans. Kuai Liang stopped, he felt a strong desire for you and couldn't stop looking, his cock was getting harder and harder every second, until you moaned his name softly, making Liang smile and walk quickly towards you, catching his attention by the heavy boots against the floor, you look at him with shame and surprise but Kuai's look is one of desire and amusement, he would quickly move your hand to his cock over the black pants that were marking his erection and moving it up and down slowly placing his hand over yours, saying seriously in the form of moans that it was what you had been doing to him for a while and that it was going to make you cum like you never had before.

𝅄 ֗ ݊ Scenario 2 - "They catch you in the act, but you're moaning another man's name (insert your favorite hot MK character here lol)

⟣─ TOMAS VRBADA | SMOKE

He would be surprised, angry and horny - horny to see you in that situation and angry that it was another man's name and not yours, Tomas would slowly enter your room and offer help, which you would immediately deny, covering yourself and turning your face away, he would smile with his head down but he would respect closing the door behind him leaving you alone. Right after this episode Vrbada it would be strange when you were with the person you liked or even with you, not talking as much as before and giving very quick answers, his love for you wouldn't go away anytime soon.

⟣─ BI HAN | SUB ZERO

He would be angry and frustrated, he would just knock on the door even with his scream so as not to open it he would say that it was audible enough for everyone outside -in this case outside the room- And he would look at you with eyes of anger and sadness staring at you as he held the door handle with all his might while still staring at you and would soon close the door with all his might, practically breaking it. After that it would be strange, in this scenario Bi Han would be your grandmaster so he would be rougher with you even being rude and almost sending you to hell once, he would take out his anger by being rougher with everyone but especially if the person you like is also in the Liu Kuei clan, but he will never stop caring for you, even if he hates to admit it, he is in love with you and won't give up easily.

⟣─ KUAI LIANG | SCORPION

My man would be angry or sad at that moment, he would practically break down the door saying that the man you were moaning your name about didn't even care about you, which would generate a heated argument between the two of you, with Tomas coming to see if you were okay - by a miracle you managed to get dressed in time for the fight before anyone else saw you - Kuai would find an excuse and soon the two of you were alone again with the man almost melting with hatred, the fight would end with you going to the bathroom and leaving him alone and soon tears would form on Liang's face, soon after a fury that would be taken out in training or on the walls of the fire ninja's quarters. Soon after that, Liang only spoke to you as necessary - in case Bi Han said you had a mission - but every time you two met outside the Liu Kuei it was always a tense atmosphere with him mocking your every word. But make no mistake, he won't give up on you, he's still madly in love and always tells Tomas or Bi Han how difficult it is to see you in love with another man other than him, soon leading to a crisis of sadness.

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zepskies · 8 months

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Strong as Blood - Part 2

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x F. Reader

Summary: After you accidentally break through a solid wood table, you know there’s something wrong with you. You begin to have your suspicions, but can you keep it from Ben long enough to find out?

(In other words: This is the story of how you and Ben discover that you’re pregnant.)

AN: Did you like Part 1? Well, here's Part 2! This two-part fic can be read as stand-alone, but it’s really a bonus sequel to Break Me Down!

(Also, for those of you in the medical field…try to suspend your disbelief on this one. 😅)

Word Count: 6,200

Tags/Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, fluff overload.

To find the chronological reading order for the series, check out the series masterlist. ⤵️

💚 Break Me Down

Part 2: “One Year, Forty, and a Hundred”

About a week later, you and Ben told your family the good news.

Your mom, Marie, took Ben’s face in her hands and pressed a delighted motherly kiss on his cheek, and then his forehead.

He very narrowly tolerated it with his usual gruffness, but you knew better. You saw the fond glint well hidden in his eyes, even after Marie released him.

It hadn’t taken her long after meeting Ben to start treating him like a son; always asking about his missions with Supe Affairs, praising a job well done when he had a successful report, and offering a supportive word even when they didn’t quite go his way.

Ben maintained his usual stoic bravado, but you knew he secretly ate up the praise, along with Marie’s genuine, nurturing nature.

Every time you saw your mother, she would give you baked goods in tupperware—for both of you, she claimed. But you noticed they were most often his favorites. You had a feeling she’d won him over early on with her macadamia nut brownies. (She still couldn’t cook worth a damn either, but she’d been taking a baking class.)

So Ben continued to help her do the dishes, even though she insisted he was a guest in her home. He claimed he was doing it so you wouldn’t jump in yourself.

And now we’re family, you had pointed out. Then Ben gifted you with one of those smiles, subtle and pleased, just for you.

You felt somewhat lazy, just sitting at the kitchen table with your sister Luisa. She sat close to you with her arm looped around yours, and she rubbed your lower back, which you now realized had been aching more often. For God’s sake, you hadn’t even realized you were late on your period.

I need to take some time off work, even before this kid gets here, you mused.

Realistically though, you should’ve expected this might happen. You hadn’t ever gotten around to replacing your IUD after you’d gotten it removed a few months ago. And God knew, Ben didn’t know how to pull out. (And he certainly didn’t buy condoms.)

“What’re you hoping for, a boy or a girl?” Louisa asked you and Ben, disrupting the path of your thoughts. You turned to your sister thoughtfully.

She still had her reservations about him, but she seemed to be warming up to your boyfriend a bit more after you told her the news. Especially after Ben had explained one of his plans over dinner.

His first thought was to hire Frank and Loco back as your personal security throughout your pregnancy, and likely even afterwards.

It was a rare time when you didn’t argue with him; the idea made sense, especially if you were going to continue working in Surveillance at Supe Affairs until you went on maternity leave. And, it would just be great to see them again. Frank had already agreed to start on Monday, after giving his polite congratulations.

(You and Ben each got a package in the mail yesterday: a box of bonafide Cuban cigars for him, a maternity body pillow for you, and a hand-crafted toy box for the baby. Inside had been a white noise sound machine to help the baby sleep.)

But now, Ben brightened at Louisa’s question. He crossed his arms and leaned against the kitchen counter.

“A son,” he replied. How brow rose, as if the answer was obvious. “I’ll be able to bring him up right. Strong. Not like these beanie-wearing pantywaists running the fucking Starbucks.”

“Ben,” you warned. He crossed his arms at you, quite literally standing firm on his stance. But your mother just smiled and pat his arm.

“It’s okay, honey,” she said. “I understand what you mean.”

You raised an incredulous brow.

Oh sure, you thought. She didn’t mind salty language when it was Ben, but God forbid you or Luisa bang a toe in your mother’s presence. Nor did it surprise you that she was agreeing with him.

But then Marie turned to him more earnestly.

“The way you take care of my daughter, I have no doubt you’ll make an excellent father,” she told him.

Ben treated her with a charming smile that showed touches of warmth.

Damn, you thought, as you felt the telltale burn of tears in your eyes. But it wasn’t just about what Marie had said. You had hoped for this one day, but it seemed he was finally making room for your family in his heart too.

“Football. A man’s game,” Ben continued. “I’ll teach him, take him fishing. Everything my old man didn’t bother with, I’ll do it all. Bring him up right…”

As your boyfriend chatted away with your mom, you hid a tendril of worry. You wondered what would happen if the baby turned out to be a girl.

With a glance at your sister, her subtle, raised brows told you she was thinking along the same lines. You sighed and got up; once again, it was time to pee.

Louisa followed you into the hall and laid a hand on your back.

“Hey,” she said. “You know how much I care about you, right?”

“And where’s this going?” you quipped. But you turned around and gave your little sister a half-smile. You knew what she was about to say.

“So what are you going to do about that?” she asked, gesturing to your man in the kitchen. “Mr. Macho wants his prized stud. What happens if he doesn’t get him?”

You sighed. “Ben’s wanted this for a long time. He’s got an idea in his head of what it’s going to be like, and…we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

Louisa’s lips pursed, like she wasn’t quite satisfied with that answer.

“And what about you?” she asked. “How do you feel about this?”

You blinked back at her in slight surprise, but then your expression melted into a soft smile.

“I’m happy, Lou,” you said. Tears welled up in your eyes, yet again. “I’m really happy.”

Louisa relented then, squeezing your hand. “Good…then good. I’m happy for you too.”

And that was really all you wanted.

“What? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Ben said, peering harder at the ultrasound. The kind OBGYN faltered, though she again tried to point out that what he was looking at was actually a small foot.

“Congratulations,” she told you both. “She’s the right size for twelve weeks of development. And look there, you can even see the umbilical cord—”

“You sure this thing isn’t on the fritz?” Ben asked, bumping the ultrasound monitor with his hand.

“Ben.” You looked over at him with a glare. “Are you serious right now?”

He looked back over at you, and you saw his stubbornness in his frown and knitted brows.

“I’m just saying—” he started, but you didn’t let him get that far.

“You heard the freakin’ doctor. We’re having a girl,” you snapped. “I’m the one who has the transvaginal probe shoved up inside me, so shut the fuck up!”

Ben’s jaw worked as he barely held himself from barking back at you. It wouldn’t be the first time you levied your smart mouth at him, but it wasn’t often that you disrespected him.

“Excuse me?” he still groused.

His anger got waylaid though. He watched you heave a sigh and blink quickly, so you wouldn’t release the well of frustrated tears building behind your eyes.

The doctor looked between you both warily. You turned to her with watery eyes, and you sniffed to keep your emotions at bay.

“Continue, please.”

When the appointment with the OBGYN was done, you didn’t let Ben help you down from the examining table. Nor did you let him touch you, all the way to the car.

An hour later, you both made it back to the apartment you shared in Scarsdale. You stomped up the stairs ahead of him and beelined into the bedroom. You had half a mind to slam the door in his face, but you didn’t have the energy to be that petty.

Frankly, you were exhausted with a tinge of nausea. But you didn’t know if that was pregnancy sickness, or if you were just that anxious.

You sat down on your side of the bed, and you sighed when you heard Ben’s heavy footsteps enter in behind you.

“All right, that could’ve gone better,” he said. “But look at it from my point of view—”

That nearly unhinged you. Your stomach roiled, but you got to your feet and turned around to face him where he stood by the foot of the bed, arms crossed.

“It’s not all about you,” you shot back. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’m the one carrying this baby. I’m not just a human incubator.”

“I fucking know that,” he retorted, but you raised a hand to silence him.

“And you’re not the only one who’s wanted this,” you said. Against your will, your eyes once again burned with tears as you held yourself. “You know very well what I’ve…that I didn’t have a normal family growing up.”

Ben quieted. His irritation softened around the edges, especially as your voice trembled.

“Don’t you know what it’s going to mean to me to give our child what I didn’t have?” you asked. “Stability, support, and…and love, from both parents?”

Tears slipped down your cheeks. And when he didn’t seem to have anything to say to you, you shook your head and walked away.

Ben let out a heavy breath. He followed you and stopped you in the living room. “Listen—”

“No, you listen,” you snapped, whirling around on him. “I would’ve been content no matter if it was a boy or a girl, and you ruined that today. You really did.”

His gaze briefly fell to the floor, before it met yours again.

“But even with that, I’m still happy,” you said, as your vision became blurry and wet. “I’m so damn happy…and so scared.”

When you finally broke down crying, Ben got a full picture of just how badly he’d fucked this up. He collected you in his arms and guided you to sit with him on the couch. There he held you as you clung to him and wept into his neck.

The longer it went on, the more he felt like an asshole—with the kind of uncomfortable, gut-churning remorse that only you tended to draw from him.

Ben hesitated, but he knew you deserved to hear him say it. (And you probably wouldn’t let this go until he did.)

“Okay, sweetheart, calm down,” he rumbled in your ear. Along with, "…I’m sorry."

The weight of that fell between you for a moment. You nodded, with a sniff, and he slowly rubbed your back.

“You don’t need to be scared,” he said. “My blood’s making you nice and strong.”

Well, technically it was the baby’s blood, and the super genes they held. You shook your head against his neck.

“That’s not it,” you said. “I mean, that’s part of it, I guess. Dr. Baker didn’t do a great job of reassuring me, but she did say that if the strength lasts throughout the birth, she didn’t expect serious complications.”

Fuck. Ben’s hand tightened in your hair. That...was a thought he hadn't considered. It now made his stomach clench, though he remained silent.

He wished you would’ve taken him with you to see Dr. Baker, but he guessed he couldn’t begrudge you for your worries. He knew he'd be having his own talk with the good doctor soon enough.

“I love my mom. She did her best, you know? But I…I’ve had to take care of myself for most of my life,” you explained, with a hand fisted tight in his shirt. “What the hell do I know about being a mom?”

Ben considered that with a frown. He pulled back enough to see your face, tucking his curled fingers beneath your chin so you’d look at him.

“You looked after your sister, didn’t you?” he reminded. “Made sure she was safe, and grew up right. Now you take care of me, like I take care of you… And you got no problem calling me out on my bullshit.”

That got a slight smile out of you. He brushed away another one of your tears with his thumb.

“You’re gonna be great, sweetheart. I never had any doubts about that,” he said, “The truth is, I couldn’t wait to fuck you raw to make this happen.”

You spluttered a laugh then, even though you were still weeping.

“Yeah, I know,” you said with a wry smile, stroking his bearded cheek. You leaned up and kissed the other cheek. He turned his head and went for your lips. The kiss was slow and tender while he held you where you always felt safe.

Ben grasped the hand on his cheek…and an idea flickered through his mind.

He parted from you, only to say, “Wait here.”

Your brows furrowed, and you blinked through wet lashes. “What?”

“Just stay put for me,” he said.

But he didn’t tell you what he was up to as he left you on the couch to duck into the bedroom. You took the time to wipe at your eyes and take some deep, calming breaths.

Ben came back soon after, seemingly empty-handed as he sat down next to you. You gave him a curious look.

He slipped a hand into his pocket. “Just for the record, I’ve had this for a while.”

And he pulled a black velvet box out of his pocket. You let out a shaky breath of surprise. The ring he pulled out wasn’t a flashy, gaudy thing like you half-expected. It actually looked delicate, and vintage, pale gold with filigree around the hexagonal stone. It glittered, even in the dim lamplight.

“Where’d you find that?” you asked. But somehow, looking into his eyes, you knew what this was.

“Besides those old pictures, the only thing I’ve got left of my mother is right here,” he said, holding up the ring for you. More burgeoning tears fell down your cheeks as your heart constricted.

“Marry me,” he said, rubbing his thumb across the back of your hand.

Despite yourself, a smile raised the corner of your mouth. “Hmm, I don’t know. Is that a question?”

Ben released a breath. Reluctantly, he smirked.

“Fucking figures that you’d make this difficult,” he said.

“You’re the one who fumbled at the goal line, Romeo,” you replied cheekily.

You then gestured at the ground in front of you. He raised a brow.

But, he obliged your demands, making a show of sliding from the couch, down to the ground. He parted your jean-clad knees so he could move in between them. He knelt one knee on the hard wood, and once again took your hand.

Ben somehow hesitated on the question, even though you both were hanging on his words. With your free hand, you smoothed his hair away from his eyes, subtly encouraging him.

“If I had to go back, do it all over again,” he said, “I wouldn’t have done a damn thing different.”

You frowned at him. “Really?”

“That’s right,” he said. “Because I’m right where I want to be.”

You teared up all over again when you realized what he was really saying. You laid a hand on his chest, where his fiercest power resided. He squeezed the hand he held.

“So what’s it gonna be, sweetheart. Will you marry me?” Ben asked. His smirk was almost boyish, despite his age. And yet, it was so very him.

You reached out with your free hand and slid your fingers through his hair, resting it at the back of his neck.

“Yeah,” you agreed, with a beaming smile. “Let’s do it.”

He slipped the ring on your finger, where it fit well. And it was now the most beautiful thing you owned, not only for its shining beauty.

You pulled him in for a kiss. His hands burned up your thighs, squeezing your hips. But again, he hesitated. His lips pulled away from yours as his hand moved to brush your belly. It was already brimming with life. He’d seen the images, heard the heartbeat.

“Thank you,” Ben said. His voice was deep and gruff.

You smiled. With a nod, you held him to you, laying a sweet path of kisses from his cheek, down to his neck.

“I love you,” you said.

He just nodded in response. His throat was tight at the moment. But you wouldn’t let him get off that easy.

“Say it,” you jostled him in your arms. “I’m only growing a super melon for you.”

It earned you an amused look from him.

“I love you too,” he said. His voice was a bit coarse, and laden with rare emotion. You pulled him into a stronger hug, which soon became him dragging you into his lap when he raised himself up onto to the couch. You took his face in your hands.

“See? We made it here,” you teased. You knew he remembered the conversation you two had a few months ago, about waiting a little while to take this next step in your relationship. To have a family.

“Soon. Not someday,” he’d told you. And you’d agreed.

You reminded him of it now while you stroked his face. “I promised you, didn’t I?”

He snorted at that. “You sure took your fucking time with that one, huh?”

“Excuse me?” you retorted.

Ben pulled you into a kiss before you could truly get going. Arguing with him was one of the things you did best.

But what you two ended up doing on the couch was second to none.

A few months later…

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Ben said. His tone was edged, his brows crunching. “What kind of development?”

You curled a hand around his wrist, shooting him a calming look before you returned your attention to Dr. Baker.

“What do you mean, Tonya?” you asked. Your other hand continued to rest over your belly.

At the seven-month mark of your pregnancy, you felt like you were beginning to resemble a parade float as you sat on the medical examining table in the doctor’s office. But you were grateful for Ben’s warm hand spanning the small of your back. It gave you stability as a coil of anxiety began to bloom in your chest.

Dr. Baker reviewed her charts once more. You didn’t like that gleam of scientific interest in her eye while she perused the data, then looked up at you and Ben from her narrow-framed glasses.

“Not with the baby. She’s doing very well,” she said.

That gave you a measure of immense relief.

“The development concerns you,” she clarified, meeting your gaze. “As you know, we’ve been monitoring you very closely.”

You nodded. The weekly checkups and monthly blood panels served to both soothe and increase your anxiety, but you knew that it made Ben feel better, that you were being taken care of in this aspect of your pregnancy.

To government knowledge, no one other than Becca Butcher had ever gone through a pregnancy of this nature. And Homelander had been created in a lab. This was breaking somewhat new ground (which was only in the top five of “things that made you nervous.”)

“I found something…interesting in your bloodwork,” said Dr. Baker. She pulled out two charts from her files and clipped them onto her whiteboard for you and Ben to see. They looked virtually the same, with one graph’s red bars slightly lower than the first.

“What’s that?” Ben asked.

“It’s your wife’s cell regeneration levels,” the doctor replied, pointing to the second graph. “Hers have become almost as high as yours.”

She pointed to the first graph for comparison. You leaned in closer to see as your eyes widened. With the weight of your belly making you off balance, you nearly slid off the examining table. Ben noticed and caught you quick. His arms came around you, though as the news donned on him, his face slid into shock.

“What?” he uttered.

“That’s got to be because of the baby,” you reasoned. “Is it…just temporary? Like the super strength.”

Even that was somewhat intermittent. Some days, you felt your aches and pains and experienced morning sickness and food aversions, like any other pregnant woman. On others, you were able to lift one side of the couch one-handed and vacuum up the dust bunnies underneath it.

“I believe that blood transfusion, as well as your pregnancy greatly accelerated the effects, but no, this isn’t an isolated incident.” Dr. Baker shook her head. “Your DNA has mutated.”

“Are you serious?” you nearly choked out. She nodded. Dr. Baker never joked.

“By my calculations, this process started before you conceived. Over the course of the past year, or more,” she explained. “Do you understand what this means?”

“Y-Yes, I think so,” you said. Your hand squeezed over Ben’s; it was the hand that carried the weight of your gold wedding bands. A lump of emotion rose in your throat. “It means…I’m going to heal from injuries quicker than normal. And…I’m not going to age like a normal person.”

“That’s likely correct,” she replied.

That news fell in the room like a stone. You shared a wide-eyed look with Ben. Neither of you knew quite what to think just yet. Even though he was trying to maintain an even-keel expression, you could see his eyes were beginning to brighten with hope. Yours were too…though you were still confused.

“How the hell is this possible?” you asked. “I mean, Ben gave me his blood for a transfusion. But like you said, that was one time, two years ago now. And you said the pregnancy accelerated this, but that’s not how it started…”

Dr. Baker actually smiled. You didn’t like the wry turn of her lips. She crossed her legs where she sat at her desk and tapped her clipboard with her pen.

“How often would you say you two have sex?” she asked.

That was certainly not where you thought this conversation was going. You couldn’t help but blush.

“How is that even remotely relevant?” you asked.

You glanced at your husband, who merely gave you one of his smug smirks, while his thumb stroked your side. Fucking typical.

“Once a week?” the doctor prompted.

Your face heated up further, and you had to cover your mouth with a hand. Your sex life wasn’t quite as…vivacious as it had been since before you’d gotten pregnant, but it was still a good one, even with your growing size. Ben was nothing if not creative.

And you were still newlyweds, after all.

“Assume we’re doing a healthy amount of fucking, doc,” Ben remarked.

You gasped and hit his thigh, and finally covered your whole face in thorough embarrassment. He just smirked and took your hand so you couldn’t hide. It amused him that you still got like this.

He then pressed a kiss to the back of your fingers.

You sighed and held his hand back. I chose this man. Remember that.

“Again, what does that have to with this?” you asked, your voice a bit higher.

Dr. Baker’s lips flickered at another one of those smiles. “Well, how often did you use condoms over the past two years?”

You and Ben both snorted in response.

“He’s morally opposed to them, doctor,” you said dryly.

She nodded. “I assumed as much.”

Once again, Ben smirked, but Dr. Baker plowed ahead.

“Let me explain it this way,” she said. “Think of how HIV spreads sexually. The infected DNA is transmitted, and it eventually hits the partner’s bloodstream, affecting the entire body. What we have here is a similar case…if for the fact that this was a gradual effect, over the course of several months.”

Ben blinked, and a frown also tugged down his brows.

“Are you saying that I gave her my superpowers…like an STD?” he asked.

Your eyes became as wide as saucers.

Holy shit! you thought, and another one occurred to you. If this all started from the first time you and Ben ever had sex…then that was over two years of being dosed with literal super sperm.

“Not quite,” Dr. Baker said to him. “Just the essence of what sets your DNA apart, even from other supes.”

“Right. Because how the hell hasn’t this happened to anyone else who’s normal?” you asked. “What makes Ben different?”

Dr. Baker finally set down her pen. She folded her hands in her lap to address you with a patience that you didn’t often see from her.

“Remember, the serum he received was still a prototype,” she said. “Vought continued to refine the recipe after the ‘Soldier Boy’ project was successful. For example, the way his cells regenerate is one of those factors that needed to be weeded out, if Compound V was to be a successful product in the long-term.”

You nodded slowly, as that made sense to you. If every supe suddenly lived over a hundred years, it would make it pretty hard to secretly inject that shit into newborns. They had to package it in a more insidious way.

“This is an unpredictable outcome of your exposure to his unique genetic makeup,” Dr. Baker continued, “and there may very well be more to come in the future.”

You weren’t sure how to take that potentially foreboding news, but on the other hand…

“Oh my God! I’m going to live to be a hundred,” you said, holding tighter onto Ben as shock began to make you tremble. His grip was firm and steadying in response. And yet, his face betrayed how he was trying to process this as well.

“Likely much longer than that,” Dr. Baker said, shocking you even further. And she reminded, “Your cells aren’t regenerating at quite the same rate as his…but it is close.”

Again, holy fucking shit.

You let out a halting breath, and you looked up at Ben, a smile growing across your face. You reached up a hand for his bearded cheek. He looked down on you with his usual stoicism, but it was merely a front. You saw through to the true emotions shining in his eyes.

“Well, looks like you’re stuck with me, baby,” you said, even as your own eyes stung with tears. Your heart felt full to the brim, and even overflowing. If this was what it took to be with your husband, then altering your genetics was a price you were willing to pay…at least in this way.

Though you gave him a more teasing smile. “You’re not gonna be able to welch out of that ‘til death do us part thing. So cancel the caravan of blow and strippers.”

Ben chuckled deeply. He held your hand and stroked the inside of your wrist. For a moment, he just looked down at your face. It had become a bit more rounded with your pregnancy—thighs and arms (and ass) thicker too. And to him, you were still perfectly his.

“Fine by me. You’ve got something they don’t, anyway,” he said. He remembered the same words he’d said to you just a year ago, in the bed he still shared with you.

Your eyes gleamed with amusement, and so much more. You played along.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” you asked.

He smirked. “You’ve got a supe STD.”

Your eyes widened at his audacity, but you burst out laughing and hit his shoulder.

“Yeah, from you,” you quipped back. “I should’ve known you were carrying something.”

The two of you didn’t know it, but that was when Dr. Baker smiled to herself. She decided then to leave the room, giving you some privacy as Ben laughed and framed your face with his hands.

His thumbs brushed against your cheeks, catching stray tears as they fell. You bit your lip as your glassy eyes met his once more. Ben became more serious as he let out a sigh.

“It’s not gonna be easy,” he reminded you. “Your family, your friends…they’re going to change, and you’re going to stay the same.”

Your excitement dimmed as that realization hit you. Your hands clenched in his shirt, over his chest. You thought about your mom, your sister, Yvette and Devon, Annie and Hughie and the rest of the team (even Butcher, you would miss).

“Yeah…that part’s not gonna be fun,” you said with a heavy, tremulous sigh. Your heart clenched at the very thought of them growing old, leaving you behind.

But your gaze eventually drew back up to him. You wondered then, not for the first time, how it must’ve been for him. For his parents to grow old and pass on long before him. For childhood friends, old lovers…

“Do you know what I worried about when we got married?” you asked.

Ben’s hands traveled down from your face, down your arms, to finally rest at your waist and thigh. He stared back at you expectantly.

“When you first told me you loved me, you said you were holding back the truth. Because you thought that one day, you’d be alone again,” you said, stroking his chest. “That honestly broke my heart. And it made me wonder if I was selfish to be with you anyway.”

Ben frowned, but you shook your head before he could respond.

“I told myself that after the baby was born, I’d go to Dr. Baker and ask her to find a way to make this happen,” you said. Another smile grew across your face. “But guess what? We figured it out all on our own, super stud.”

Ben smiled then, huffing in amusement as he thumbed at your cheek. You couldn’t really understand the full force of his relief. It might’ve threatened to buckle him into a seat, if he had been standing.

But now, he struggled with the warmth in his chest that for once, had nothing to do with his powers. He moved in to tug you into his arms, and he let out a long breath through his nose.

You couldn’t see how his eyes closed, but you felt his lips press against your forehead. You held him close. Or as closely as you could with your belly getting in between.

You rubbed his back and rested against his chest, hearing the calming, steady sound of his heart beating under your ear.

“And at this rate, I might even live longer than you,” you teased. “After all, you got a head start. Compared to you, I’m still a hot young thing.”

Ben snorted and shook his head. “All right. Now you’re pushing it.”

You smirked into his chest.

“I’ll have to figure out where you rent those caravans.”

“For fuck’s sake,” he muttered. At the sound of your giggle, he couldn’t help but smile.

He still swatted you on the ass though.

A couple more months later…

He smelled like cigar smoke. For which you had no doubt, Ben had been puffing away with Frank and M.M. outside the hospital.

The team of doctors (led by Dr. Baker) had finally left you alone with your husband, allowing you to take your first relaxed breath of the day.

“Your mom and your sister are waiting. Blondie and the others are out there too,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “My girl’s got a whole possy of bitches.”

You assumed he meant Annie and the rest of the team.

You shot him a look, but you were careful not to disturb the sleeping newborn resting on your chest, in the crook of your arm.

“They’re my friends, babe,” you whispered. “And they’re your friends now too, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Ben didn’t acknowledge that, but he laid a hand on your shoulder as he sat down on the edge of your hospital bed.

“How’re you doin’, sweetheart?” he asked. “Got everything you need?”

He’d become even more protective, but also very sweet to you in these past several months. More so than you’d thought him capable of, but it warmed you every time, when you considered how rough, how stoic, and how damn-near emotionally repressed he was not so very long ago.

It seemed that fatherhood was beginning to soften him, even before he began. You quirked a smile at the thought, and at his question.

“Imagine pushing a super melon out of your dick. That’s how I’m doing,” you said, tired but still cheeky as ever.

He snorted a bit loudly at that, and you shushed him, as if it wasn’t your fault he was laughing. He expected nothing less from you.

“But I’m okay,” you answered his second question. “All I need right now is you.”

Ben considered you for a moment, a slightly softer smile curving his lips, and he nodded.

“All right,” he said.

Your daughter woke and began to squirm in your arms, prompting Ben to look down at the bundle wrapped in a soft pink blanket. Gently as possible, he brushed the tuft of downy brown hair on her head. His hand shook ever so slightly, touching her small cheek.

How can this little thing be mine? he wondered. His lips pressed into a firm line.

There was a thought, deep and thrumming inside him, that he didn’t deserve this. That just a couple of years ago, he had nothing to lose.

And now, his entire world was in this room. He’d never admit it, but it was a terrifying thought, for a man who’d had everything and nothing.

You unknowingly stopped the path of his thoughts when you raised a warm hand to his cheek. It earned his attention, and he grabbed your hand to keep it there.

You smiled up at Ben with weariness in your eyes. The super strength had drained out of you a few moments after the umbilical cord was cut, which had made for a less painful labor than you anticipated. But it had also been a long and uncomfortable eighteen hours.

“Wanna hold her for a while?” you asked.

The offer caught him off guard. His brows drew together, but he very carefully took his daughter from you, into his arms. Despite your temporary abilities throughout your pregnancy, he didn’t know if she already had his strength, or if it was something she’d grow into. Ben didn’t want to take any chances.

As he looked down at a small face that already had some of his features, he inhaled a faltering breath.

It was the first time you ever saw true tears in his eyes, as one managed to draw a path down his cheek. You smiled, and the pair of rings on your left hand caught the lamplight as you rested your hand on your chest.

Ben held the bundle close in the crook of his arm. One of the baby’s hands was free, and he tickled his finger in her palm. She grasped it on reflex, opening her mouth on a yawn. Despite his red and shining eyes, he smiled, especially when she reached up for a strand of his hair with small, grabby fingers.

He let her get a hold of it, smirking when she gave it a little tug. Just hours old, and his girl was already demanding his attention. He didn’t know if newborns were able to do that this early, or if it was her blood that made her special.

Either way, he knew then that she was going to be a handful. Just like you.

Ben glanced over and found you watching him with soft amusement. He looked back down at his daughter and told her the obvious.

“You know, you’re blessed to have my genes, baby girl,” he said. It elicited a knowing scoff out of you. However, his smirk softened. “But you’re also lucky as hell to have your mom.”

Ben looked back at you, and there was the predictable well of tears forming in your eyes.

“She’s the best damn woman you’re ever gonna meet,” he said.

He knew then that what he said to you before was right. If he had to go back to 1984, or even 1944, he’d do it all exactly the same.

It all worked out pretty damn well, from where he was standing.

AN: I’m not crying, you’re crying. 🥹😭

I sincerely hope you enjoyed Strong as Blood. I know I said I was going to be done with these two for a hot minute while I concentrate on Smoke Eater (Firefighter!Dean Winchester x Reader).

But now that we’re here, I have another one-shot idea I’d like to sketch out in the near future…

Would you guys want to read about their family dynamic? Maybe fast-forward a couple years to the “terrible twos” stage with their first child.

Along with some cameos from the Annie, Hughie, M.M. and the rest of the team. Maybe even Marie and Louisa, Grandpa George, and the insufferable Aunt Trina?

Let me know in the comments, or just what you thought of Part 2! 😘

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kykyonthemoon · 2 days

Text

Nightmares

When nightmares strike, you are the sole source of warmth that could help him overcome his inner turmoil.

ಇ. Character x Reader/MC

(Caleb, Rafayel, Zayne and Dawnbreaker, Xavier and Glitch!Xavier)

ಇ. Tags: hurt/comfort, angst with a little fluff, emotional hurt, comfort

ಇ. Word count: 3k7

ಇ. Requested anonymously.

ಇ. Masterlist

ಇ. Request - will be reopened around late May.

Pic from X

𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒃

It was a sunny afternoon when he returned to his old house.

That place still had a modest beauty, the kind of beauty that made family members feel sad every time they left. It was so deeply engraved in his mind that with every breath, he knew he was closer and closer to returning home.

There, would be someone always waiting for him.

The door creaked when opened. Caleb walked inside. The familiar smell of food and the sound of cooking in the kitchen were always the things that impressed him the most. He continued in that direction till he noticed a familiar figure sitting at the dining table, back to the aisle.

Caleb grinned and spoke your name. You did not reply. He went forward, putting one hand on your shoulder to turn you around.

Your lifeless eyes glanced up at him.

"Pipsqueak? What's wrong?"

You did not respond. You slowly rose up and entered the kitchen. Why was this place so dark and cold? Caleb failed to recall the house being this vast and gloomy.

"Where are you going? I'm back now, pipsqueak?

You halted. The warm sunlight poured down on him through the window, but where you stood just a few steps away from him, everything was in darkness.

Even you.

“You only came home now…” You spoke, but your voice didn't contain any emotion. You were always the one who ran into his arms when he came home after long journeys away! Why were you being so distant then?

“Pipsqueak…”

Caleb reached out to you. How he wanted to touch you! He wanted to hold you in his arms and if he had to beg your forgiveness for leaving you, he would definitely do so.

He had been gone for too long.

You looked at him. Tears began to fall and your face showed little emotion. Not joy, but resentment. You became distorted and writhed as if fire surrounded your body.

“You've been gone for too long!”

You screamed out in pain. Caleb quickly rushed towards you, but it seemed like a force was holding him back, making him unable to move. Just like that, he could only open his eyes and watch you burn. The kitchen was on fire. The house was on fire. Everything was on fire.

“You've been gone too long, Caleb!” You shouted. Your tears turned into blood as your body burnt in the flames. “You left me alone! You abandoned our home!”

The walls cracked, the windows exploded and debris flew all around, cutting you, cutting him. The ceiling began to collapse. But there was nothing Caleb could do. He just cried.

“Pipsqueak… Please…”

“You… left me… here...”

Your plaintive screams were swallowed by fire. When he finally was able to reach out and touch you, there was nothing left there but a burned corpse.

The fire disappeared. The cozy house in Caleb's memory had become ruins. He clutched your corpse, which was scorched black and was disintegrating into dust. The sobbing inside him turned into a protest against himself.

He left, because he thought it was the best thing for you.

When it all came back, to this place, many years ago, he had caused the house to explode. To you, he had been dead since then. He didn't have time to say goodbye. But he only had to do it to ensure your safety.

In the end, he could not save you. He could not save himself.

Still, you left this world. Still, you turned into ashes. Who did this to you; it was not the matter. Not when you had already died the day he left.

Caleb yelled with anguish. He lost you, he lost his home. The one thing that kept him going was gradually vanishing, soaring with the wind and never returning to him.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

“Pipsqueak!”

Caleb shouted. He opened his eyes to see the familiar bedroom ceiling, which was dimly lit by street lights outside the window and visible through the curtains.

Beside him, you turned over. With your eyes still closed, one hand struck his chest.

“What now?… Waking me up in the middle of the night…” You said in a sleepy voice. Caleb grabbed your hand and turned around to hug you. Only when he felt your warmth and buried his face in the scent of your hair could he calm down.

“It's nothing, pipsqueak…” He whispered. “It was just a nightmare… Sorry for waking you…”

You breathed evenly in a straight position on the bed. Your mouth grumbled something like: "Idiot... You're a grown-up now, and you're still afraid of nightmares..."

Caleb smiled softly. He gave you an even tighter embrace. "Yes. I'm such an idiot. I'm so terrified of nightmares every time I have to leave you."

“But I'm right here. Now will you let me go back to sleep?”

“Just let me hold you a little longer…” He whispered as he put his hand beneath the pillow and softly drew you into his loving arms.

You were real in front of his eyes.

And he had no intention of allowing you to vanish like in that dream again.

𝑹𝒂𝒇𝒂𝒚𝒆𝒍

Waves crashed onto the shore in regular rhythms. The twisted moon overhead sent a feeble light into the sea, engulfing the two little figures standing by it. The water had reached their knees, and the two were leisurely dancing together.

Spinning. Around and around. Magically shimmering water droplets continued to soar high with each stride. You smiled pleasantly at him. That night, you became his bride.

The celebration was over. Only the two of you remained together, from now until eternity. You were so beautiful, so perfect. Your love for him was as pure as your smile.

And he should have felt happy.

He should have, because after all, he had got you and this perfect ending. But was this really the end?

He gazed at you with melancholy eyes. You smiled heartily as you whirled around. Sea water surged up high, bathing your entire body in a vivid crimson color. The entire water surface became the color of blood.

You were still dancing, as if the pungent odor of death gave you delight. You were immersed in blood when he gazed at you. Hatred was the only thing burning in his heart at that time.

You swayed a little farther, then turned towards him. Your arms stretched out as you called affectionately:

“Rafayel! Hurry. Come with me!”

He moved closer. He was strolling through a pool of blood from his own kind. Lemurian blood was dispersed over the waters.

Unbeknownst to you, as you turned your back on Rafayel, one of his hands was wrapped around your waist, the other brandishing a knife.

“I like this place. Can we stay here forever?” You said, as if you didn't care about the blood gushing at your feet.

"Alright." Rafayel replied in a cold voice. “If you like it here, we'll stay.”

You leaned your head back with joy, resting on his chest. You were so little, yet you had a powerful heart. So gorgeous. He only wanted to strangle it, tear it out of your chest, and toss it into the deep sea.

He wanted you to pay the price.

You closed your eyes and hummed the melody he once sang for you. How foolish of him! He had given you everything—his love, his life, his whole kingdom... Everything was ruined by your hands.

Now, he shall take it all back.

Rafayel raised your chin and let you stare at him for a long while. You were smiling still. But he swung the sharp blade high, plunging into your heart.

In your eyes was terror and agony. Tears streamed from the corners of your eyes, but he still held your chin in his palm, making you unable to look away as his other hand forced the hilt of the dagger, deeper into your heart.

“Rafayel… Why… Why?…”

That was all you could say before the vivid red blood from your heart spread to his palm, spilling into the sea and merging with the blood of the Lemurians.

He should have been satisfied. He should have been thrilled since he carried out his vengeance.

But he simply felt broken.

When he tossed your lifeless corpse into the water, it seemed like he had died too that very moment.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

“Rafayel!!!… Stop… I can't… breathe… Rafayel!…”

You pinched Rafayel's cheek hard; he was sleeping on your chest. His weight prevented you from breathing normally. The ache awoke him. White pearls dropped from the corners of his eyes.

“Rafayel?…”

You frowned and watched him slowly rose up, both hands resting on your pillow. When he lowered his head, the radiant pearls continued to rain on your face and the bed.

“Hey… What's wrong?” You lifted your hands to caress his cheeks. “Why are you crying?”

“I… just had a nightmare…”

Rafayel gasped. It must have been a really horrific nightmare to make him this way. He fell asleep, his body was all over you, and then he started weeping. You had never seen him like this, and it concerned you.

"What did you dream about?" Your arms curled around Rafayel's neck, bringing him closer. He hesitated, as if he didn't want you to know, then revealed:

“In my dream, I had to kill the person I loved.”

Silence filled the room. The sky over your head was twinkling with stars. Rafayel's bedroom was filled with the lovely sound of the sea. You rubbed your face into the crook of his neck and murmured:

“I trust Rafayel will never harm me.”

“Are you sure? Even I don't know... The person in the dream... It's not me..."

"That's right." You rubbed his sweaty back. “That person is definitely not you. You know, people say dreams are the opposite of reality. What you saw will not happen.”

Rafayel was calmer, however, you still felt his body trembling in your arms.

“I won't allow that to happen…” He replied. “Having to end the life of the person I love… It is far more painful than being stabbed in the heart by that same person…”

“Rafayel.” You said in a serious tone. You held Rafayel's face with both hands, forcing him to look at you. His hair was tangled, and pearls were no longer pouring from his eyes, but they remained red. “I don't know what will happen in the future, but as long as I still breathe, I will never hurt you.”

Rafayel gazed at you for a time before gently smiling. “That's a promise between the two of us then.”

𝒁𝒂𝒚𝒏𝒆

“Zayne… So cold… I'm… so cold…”

Zayne helped you up, quickly wrapping his thick coat around you. His hands stroked your body repeatedly to keep you warm. But you were growing colder. Your breath slowly escaped your body as the sorrow smothered his heart

“No… Wake up… Don't sleep! Please!… Don't sleep now…”

Zayne's scarred and bloody hand clumsily held on to you. So tight. He wanted to give you all his warmth. But did he even have any warmth left?

“It's useless.”

The voice sounded as if it had just escaped his mind. Zayne turned around. Behind him stood Grim Reaper, another Zayne dressed in a cloak as black as the night. Cold and cruel.

“You know you can't save her.”

"Shut up!" Zayne's shouts resonated across the wind and snow. He would never leave you alone in this cold.

Yet Grim Reaper's voice still echoed:

“You know why she died.”

Trembling, Zayne gradually dropped his gaze to the girl in his arms. In the center of your chest, bright, sharp pieces of ice were developing more and more.

"No… NO!" Zayne screamed. His palm touched the shards, causing them to tear into his skin. Bleeding. “I will save her! I must save her!”

He breathed into your numbed hand. But the more he touched you, the greater the ice formed around your body.

“Give up.” Grim Reaper spoke again. Zayne ignored him, despite the fact that they looked absolutely the same.

Nightmare. He had always been his nightmare. Perhaps in another universe, he was the Grim Reaper. And he felt like he was progressively becoming the Grim Reaper as you left this life, leaving him behind.

“Stay with me, please… Open your eyes and look at me….” Zayne begged over her corpse. His tears turned into drops of ice. They fell onto your body and shattered.

You could no longer hear his cries.

"You cannot save her." Grim Reaper said. He was bending down on one knee beside you, on the other side of Zayne. His hand in the black glove brushed across your frost-covered face, as if he, too, was in grief. "After all, you cannot save yourself."

"Leave!" Zayne yelled in rage and suffering. His embrace of you became more intense, as if he wanted to take you away from Grim Reaper's reach. He grinned with bitterness.

"Remember. You are the one who killed her.”

Zayne shook his head, repeatedly. Everything in front of his eyes drifted away. Grim Reaper also vanished. There were only you and him remaining.

He had murdered you.

You and he promised to get through this together. He would save your dying heart, and you would help him in his escape from the curse of his Evol. It was a curse. He was unable to control it, and there came calamity.

Help you? No, he was not your savior. He was your death.

Zayne heard Grim Reaper's laugh - his own laugh - echoing in his thoughts. Cruel yet full of bitterness.

The snowstorm came, but it could not bury his sin and regrets.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

When you came into Dr. Zayne's office during lunch break, you noticed the temperature was unusually low.

You discovered Zayne asleep on the sofa. His body trembled, he broke out in a cold sweat, and his mouth moved without any word heard. You even caught a tear falling from the corner of his eye.

“Zayne? Are you having a nightmare?” You shook him by the shoulders. His entire body felt freezing. The nearest window was covered in frost. You started to panic. But no matter how you attempted to rouse him up, he failed to hear you.

You had to sit on the sofa, placing his head on your lap. You caressed his hair, patted his shoulders and head while comforting him:

"It's alright. I'm here with you… You will be fine…”

After a while, his quiver stopped. His eyes opened slowly. He found you.

“…”

Zayne's hand reached out towards you and then stopped halfway. He was about to touch you but hesitated. Seeing that, you clasped your hand with his.

"What's wrong? Doctor Zayne is experiencing nightmares from overwork, isn't he?"

You smiled. So gentle. That warm beam seemed to calm him down. Zayne's respiration and pulse rate eventually returned to normal. He replied:

“Yeah… My apologies for causing you to worry again.”

When he recognized your cold hand, he became fully awake. He rapidly gained control of his Evol, and the room warmed up to some extent.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Yes. Much better now.”

Zayne's eyes were still red. He wanted to sit up, but you kept him in your lap for a while longer.

“Lunch break is still long. You can sleep for a bit longer. I will stay here to watch over your sleep.” You declared out loud, as if you were his little defender.

This made Zayne quite happier. He grinned and replied:

“You are always the one who guides me out of nightmares. No matter how bad it gets, I know you will come to my rescue.”

"That's right. Now you can sleep soundly.”

Zayne slowly closed his eyes. He was unsure if he could sleep again after that nightmare. But having you by his side made him feel more at peace. Your fingers squeezed his hand. Your warmth enveloped him. You were alive and well. He still had time to save you, to save himself.

Knowing that made him feel a lot more assured. When you placed a kiss on his forehead, he was ready to face all of the nightmares to come.

𝑿𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒓

When Xavier returned to Philos, he did so as a traitor.

He gambled with fate, and lost everything. Honor. Freedom. Love. There was nothing left for him when he returned.

His fleet had crossed countless light years, to innumerable realms out there. But what he was looking for was just an illusion.

And suddenly his entire existence became a curse.

To lose his freedom, to lose the love of his life for eternity. Was that the price to pay for opposing destiny?

In the dark corner of the room, Xavier knelt on the cold stone floor. He could not move, nor speak unless granted permission.

He quietly observed the girl he loved in the garden on the other side of the door. The warm sunshine tenderly casted a lovely aura over your body. Your grin shone brighter than the myriad of flowers in the yard. How many times did Xavier want to approach you, call your name, and touch you? But he could not.

Every time he came close to you, the crimson chain around his neck tightened. It did not murder him, but it was painful and debilitating enough. All he could do was stare at you holding hands with an unknown person. Someone with a physique similar to his.

That man was the King, you were his Queen. And Xavier was nothing but a sinner, a tool to be used, a killing machine. All for you. He would do everything for you, but you were no longer his lover.

You failed to recognize him. You were no longer the same as before. Since the person he truly loved was dead.

She was once a Queen. He had vowed to be the Knight standing beside her. But he left her alone on the cold throne. She died and was reborn, again and again. How many times had his love died before he came back?

The girl in front of him now had no memory of those lives anymore. It was a blessing. For you would no longer have to cry over the treachery you believed he had committed on you.

His only wish was to save you; to save the girl he loved from the spiral of death and rebirth. But when he tried to cut off your chains, he, too, was bound by another curse.

He watched you die and come back in another life. As many times as you sat on that throne, he became a slave at your feet, and as many times as he witnessed your death. He could not do anything else, not even scream and weep.

For, he had been cursed since the day he left you alone.

“Xavier… Save me… I don't want… to die…”

He stared down at your body, which was securely tied to the stone table. Trembling. His Queen begged him. Xavier was shrouded in black. The chain around his neck became tighter.

“Do it, Xavier! Stop wasting time!”

The crowd behind urged him. Xavier's palm clenched on the shiny hilt of his sword.

“No… Xavier… Please!…”

“The sacrifice must be completed! Do not forget your duty as Philos' royalty, Xavier! Do not forget how you betrayed us and what punishment you must endure!”

Xavier closed his eyes tightly. You and him, you could never escape this fate. He raised his sword, once more. He ended your torment, for another life.

Yet, his suffering would never cease.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Xavier awoke with tight agony in his neck and chest. His pillow was drenched from weeping. He heard your frightened voice repeating in his ears:

"Oh dear! You have a high fever!”

Through tears, he watched you climb out of bed. You were going to go fetch him a damp towel and medication. But he pulled you back. He wrapped you securely in his arms.

“X-Xavier? How are you feeling? You scared me?…”

“Sorry… I'm really sorry…”

He continued muttering like that. You began to suspect that his apology was not for waking you up in the middle of the night screaming, or that he was hugging you so tightly that you were suffocating. Was there anything else going on?

"Did you have a nightmare?" You questioned as you wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his neck and back.

Xavier responded with a gentle "yeah". He eased his hold slightly to allow you to breathe. But seeing his condition, you couldn't help but worry.

"You have a fever." You mentioned it again. "Let me get medicine for you…"

“Stay with me!” Xavier spoke, almost like a grumble. It startled you. His arm was draped around your torso, and his other hand gripped your wrist firmly. Xavier dropped his voice, recognizing he was becoming overly emotional: "Please... Just stay here a little longer..."

“Alright… I'm here…” You comforted Xavier. You cared about nothing other than his mental turmoil. But you believed he would feel better, and when he was ready, he would tell you everything.

A moment later, when he had calmed down, Xavier said:

“I'm sorry… I didn't mean to make you sad or worried…”

"It's fine. I just want you to know that I will always be by your side… Besides, we also have Galaxy Kid, Bunbun and these plushies..."

Both Xavier and you gazed at your plushie-filled bed. He grinned faintly, as if he was finally at ease. You added

“We'll get through everything together, okay?”

For a moment, Xavier said nothing. He just tilted his head slightly to look at you closely. His hand caressed your face as if you were a treasure he once lost, then found.

“Of course. We will get through everything together. Definitely…” His voice trailed off as he fell into a hazy condition caused by the fever in the middle of the night. “This time… I won't let you face it… alone…”

229 notes · View notes

roturo · 9 months

Text

EUNOIA

•synopsis: Who would've believed Gojo Satoru can become one with a curse? maybe another version of him is breathing and motivation being awakened from him. Will you come to him?

PLEASE REPOST AND LEAVE A COMMENT ;)

•warnings: smut, penis in vagina, blowjob (reader), nipple play (both), corruption kink, dacryphilia, overstimulation, plenty orgasms, unprotected sex, pussy eating, use of nicknames (princess, baby, pup, sweetheart...),mating press, marking, possessive behavior, curse!reader, virgin!reader, gojo is portrayed as playboy somewhere, gojo whimpers just bc i say so, soft!dom gojo, lovesick!gojo, like, really lovesick, enemies to lovers, angst & fluff, reader is a strong curse just because i can, afab & she/her reader.

EUNOIA; (eúnoia) 'well mind; beautiful thinking'

Love is a heavy word. You can’t love everyone, nor everything.

The word ‘love’ has loosen its meaning through time…

or has it become more natural?

Looking back at society in past years, everything was built by hate, anger… to kill.

But now? Things are almost the same. Society became more peaceful, tuneful even. But those emotions full of anger & hate became locked inside people to maintain society as a ‘safe space’

And people couldn’t suppress them forever, as hard as you tried to help people find love, happiness, not only on people, but on things, music, life.

They couldn’t change their shady mind into beautiful thinking.

But you couldn’t blame yourself for not helping people to free their mind and find at least the good things in life. You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped.

Walking through the lightful streets of Tokyo, watching people and their emotions, you couldn’t resist throwing some powder disguised as dust for people to inhale and keep those bad emotions away from them for some time. But for some reason that wasn’t enough to get rid of that bad energy spreading all over the place.

People seemed more relaxed, one of your techniques worked. Playing with people’s mind, the saneness and atmosphere felt the same as before, but you could sense people were more sensible.

So you couldn’t understand what’s going on. As you kept walking forward, following the energy to find from where it’s from, you stopped in a… bakery?

Looking through the big windows of the place, you finally knew from whom it was coming. But something seemed wrong. He seems happy eating whatever dessert he ordered, his appearance seemed in order, not showing any kind of sadness, or desmotivation.

It was strange enough of him to use some black small rounded glasses inside of a store at night. His white hair was easy to distinguish and locate him easily. He looked like he’s really tall, looking at his long legs barely being capable of sitting comfortably in those chairs from the bakery. He was perfect.

But you couldn’t quite decipher why he has this happy mood from the outside but some type of bad energy coming from him.

Until… it clicked in.

Cursed energy. A lot of it. But you could also sense stress from him, a tiny bit of sadness. You felt your cheek getting wet from an unexpected tear coming out. Wiping it away from your face, you looked at your hand,

You could sense people’s mind, but never their feelings nor their emotions. So why are you feeling this from him? The loss of someone, worry for others, fear of failure again…

And it seems like he felt it too, putting down the cupcake he was about to bite, furrowing his eye-brows, looking for something… someone.

Until he sensed cursed energy coming from somewhere, outside this bakery, so he looked at you. He knows you are a curse, so why do you look so human? So real? How could people see you too?

You locked eyes with him, feeling stronger emotions coming out of the both of you, stress was the first one. When his eyes met yours, his body untensed for a moment, before tensing again and his brows furrowing again, but this time instead of looking just confused, he also seemed angry.

Feeling this coming out of him, a strong energy surrounding him, made you start running away from it. Pushing people out of the way, looking somewhere safer to calm down.

But you underestimated this guy, he was faster, stronger, bigger. And he found you in less of a second in that lonely alley.

‘Who are you and what did you just do to me?’ He grabbed you by the neck of your shirt, making you squeak when he pushed you to the wall.

‘I-I don’t k-know.. I’m so-sorry, please don’t exorcize me sir… I’m not evil nor a threat to people, i-in fact I want to h-help them.’ You were praying to somehow escape from this alive and unharmed, his cursed energy is so overwhelming you could swear you were drowning on it.

Gojo has dealt with curses who could talk, even understand him. But he never saw a curse like you. Human looking. And somehow you avoided his infinity to use your powers on him. That’s why he has you like this, he could easily exorcize you right now and right here with just a clap, but he needed to know first why and how you trespassed his infinity.

‘How did you do that?’ He pushed you harder to the wall, hitting your head with it, but not hard enough to be in pain.

‘D-do what?’

‘Connected with me.’

‘What?...’

‘You.. you somehow trapassed my infinity and connected with me or some shit, how did you do that? That’s not possible.’ What did he just say? Infinity?

‘And how could I not sense you immediately? Who are you?’

Wait… ‘You’re Gojo Satoru?!’ You jumped from his grip, moving to your side.

The strongest sorcerer of all, right in front of you, asking for your name, looking the good way, you were flattered to know he had some type of interest in you. So you did what he asked you and told him your name.

‘I-I don’t know how I did that, that w-was new for me too, I just can sense bad thinking from people and fix it into good thinking, bu-but I could never feel it or know why they’re feeling that way…’

He looked at you in disbelief, and then proceeded to sigh. ‘Try it.’

‘What?’

‘Try to do that again.’ He signaled the both of you.

‘Uh… Do I have to look at you in the eyes?’

‘I don’t know! It’s supposed to be your technique.’

You sighed, and then looked at him. He’s really handsome you thought, feeling your face getting hot, you concentrated your whole energy to one, and trespassed to connect to him.

And you think he didn’t notice yet when you discovered he was feeling flustered to look at you again, but he had enough self control to not show it. But then his eyes widened and grabbed you by your cheeks, not strong enough to hurt you, but making your face look like a fish.

‘What the…fuck.’ If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t be able to hear how low the whisper was. But suddenly you felt his index finger in the middle of your forehead and everything started getting blurry, feeling giddy, until everything went blank.

You woke up in a white room, your eyes still adjusting to the shiny lights, Hearing some background voices, you were trying to fully wake up.

‘What the hell are we going to do Shoko? Do I have to kill her? This has never happened since… ‘He stopped himself before continuing. ‘Well… isn’t she a threat?’

‘I don’t even know Gojo, this is as new to me as new to you. I have never seen a curse like… her? Is she even a person? Mind manipulation is one thing, but… she has never used her curse for the bad, y’know? Maybe she’s not a threat.’ Gojo scoffed, looking in disbelief at you, not noticing you were starting to wake up.

‘What grade is she?’

‘Uh well… for her power she should be a semi-grade 1, but if we take in consideration the fact she trespassed your infinity she should be a special grade, but… it seems like she doesn’t know how to use it, nor how to fight, so it’s basically just a title.’

You tried to stand up, but some chains stopped you from it. You could see Shoko and Gojo jump in surprise when they heard you moving.

It was an awkward situation, the three of you looking at each other without talking. Maybe they’re waiting for you to start talking? Fight?

‘What are we doing with her?’

Basically they decided to leave you alive, for future purposes apparently. They had one rule for you.

‘Never leave Gojo’s side.’

And yeah, it was really awkward at first, having to spend time with the strongest sorcerer, obviously annoyed by your presence and how they seemed to like you.

Sleeping on the floor of his room was really uncomfortable. Spending cold nights with just a blanket in your body makes you rethink your whole existence.

Everyone was really nice, they treated you as someone else and not like the person who could go through ‘Gojo’s Satoru Infinity’

Everyone but him. His silly personality was really cute and you tried to befriend him, making jokes, trying to get to know him, but as much as you tried you never got to warm up.

They told you he likes sweets, okay! That's a useful fact!

And well, it was a good fact indeed. You made some cookies for him, his eyes sparked up when he saw the plate full of cookies for him, he just looked at you and thanked you with a small smile. It was starting to work out!

Your never-ending enthusiasm to befriend him began to work its magic on Gojo. Whether it was your mischievous pranks or your infectious laughter, your presence gradually started to warm the usually distant sorcerer's heart. Soon, even Gojo couldn't deny the hidden charm beneath your cursed exterior. Finding himself in his room tasting different desserts you made for him, thinking about you on missions when eating at a bakery, thinking your desserts don’t compare to what he’s eating right now. He started to like you.

Twisted nights spent together by the both of you, bursting laughter coming from the both of you, laying on the grass looking for stars, taking you to missions (just to the place he’s visiting, he didn’t want you to be in danger)...

He never saw himself falling for a girl, a curse, he’s more of a one night stand, never going on dates, just buying luxury things for them to keep them an extra week with him. But as Your relationship with Gojo deepened, you discovered the mask behind his unflappable façade. Gojo opened up to you, sharing his dreams, doubts, and fears. You reciprocated by offering your unwavering support, feeling what he’s feeling like you’re the one who went through it. Your bond became a haven of understanding, acceptance, and genuine affection.

He began to show his lighter-side with you, being affectionate with you (in private since he was too shy for pda, because what would they think about this?), but he was afraid.

He was afraid of the power you were having over him, he showed you a new world while you gave him sparkling moments that go in a flash because of how much he enjoys them. He even finds himself smiling at your picture he took with his phone while the both of you were teasing the other. Your pouty lips, trying to hit him.

Hit him.

He never felt someone hitting him playfully until he met you.

He never felt someone hugging him until one rainy night you were shivering on the floor, he invited you to his bed and woke up next to you, your hands hugging his body tightly like you were afraid of him leaving you. That day, became an usual morning routine. Waking up at the sight of you resting on his chest, caressing your cheeks and just admiring your beauty.

He was afraid of losing you.

He wasn’t afraid of you trying to kill him, turning evil, shit, he wasn’t afraid if you tried to fucking kill all the humans in this world. He was afraid of you leaving his side, you were the most precious thing in this world for him.

You colored his more of five senses and became the purple of his blue and red.

Until one day you weren’t by his side in the morning. He called for your name, maybe you were in the bathroom, but he was just with silence in the room. Maybe you were somewhere in the halls walking through the students' dorms? Maybe Nobara called for you?

But nothing.

His greatest fear, losing someone again became reality.

Well, not truly…

Maybe you were planning to ask him to be his girlfriend?...

And thank god he was a little foolish to never think about your plan.

When he went to search for you after Nobara told him ‘you went shopping’ you quickly entered the room and started preparing everything.

It wasn’t some luxury set up with petals everywhere, a jacuzzi and balloons, but you had his favorite desserts, a small letter of you confessing your feelings for him, and some matching bracelets for the both of you.

You dressed up in your floral sundress, put some make-up on and fixed your hair once Nobara gave you the heads up for Gojo coming back.

And oh boy, Gojo came back pissed. Truly hiding he was so fucking terrified of not finding you. He was mumbling things under his breath, swearing he would kill everyone if he didn’t find you.

Even Shoko was shocked at his behavior since he never seemed this committed to a girl like he did right now, he seemed happier with you, brighter.

And he swears he was about to fucking hit Ijichi until he felt a known energy coming from his room. In a blink he was standing in front of his door, he could sense you were anxious, his hands started getting sweaty, not knowing what to expect.

When he opened the door and saw you standing there, looking as beautiful as ever, with a small smile adorning your face, the familiar smell of freshly made mochis, you could see his shoulders untensed, he was no longer wearing his glasses nor his blindfold. He seemed confused at first until you stepped closer to him and handed him a letter.

‘Dear ‘Toru:

How do I even start this? You’ll be surprised to know that everytime I reach for your hand after an exhausting night makes me feel relaxed in an instant. Ever since we met, the word ‘love’ has become something different for me. It became a stronger and heavier word to take out of me. You made me stop focusing on what others think, to try and teach everyone how important it is to have a feeling of goodwill. Because not everyone knows how it feels to find someone that makes you feel like you want to improve this world since you see the rest of your life with them. They say love is blind but I personally believe that this is not true because I can see and feel the love that exists between us. My love for you is capable of turning back the hands of the clock.

In other words, the issue here is that you think I’m not head over heels in love with your dumb fucking ass.’

You heard Gojo chuckle and looking back at you, you swear his eyes were brighter than last time you saw them, his demeanor seemed excited. And in not even a second he was grabbing you by your waist and giving a spin before hugging you.

‘You don’t know how much I wanted to do this, but I guess you were faster than me. You’ve got me acting like a fool.’ After that his lips connected with yours, and it was like they were molded for him. It tasted as sweet as candy, such a precious thing for someone else to have. He feels like he just won the lottery, fuck that, he has all the money he has, he feels like he just fucking rules this world.

He grabbed your legs with both of his hands, your legs wrapping around his body taking you into an even closer hug. Taking some steps back making sure to close the door. Then he laid you down on his bed. Giving small pecks all around your face which cause you to giggle. His kisses started trailing down your neck until he found that spot that made you whine and make your breathing heavier.

Your hands wrapped around his neck, supporting yourself, he continued kissing you. His hands roaming and exploring your whole body. Taking a break from kissing, he grabbed your hands from his neck, pinning them with one of his hands all extended above your head on the bed.

He just admired your form, your pouty lips after all that kissing, your uneven breathing trying to calm yourself down. You were perfect. You were now his.

‘Baby… before I continue, are you sure about this?’ He asked you, his eyes searching for any discomfort in your body. You nodded your head, giving him a shy smile.

‘I need words baby, words.’ He chuckled at you, getting closer to your ear and slightly biting the part of your neck below it.

‘Just fuck me already ‘toru, be my first for once.’

Gojo’s breath stopped suddenly, his eyes were wide thanks to the unexpected information. The thought of being the first man to make you his, and he’s sure he’ll also be the last, made the blood of his brain go exactly to his dick.

He sighed, almost sounding like a whimper, ‘Is that so baby? he hummed before his hands got under your dress and started playing with your nipples. You didn’t bother to use a bra since the fabric of the dress was thick enough to cover your body. With a pinch on your nipple with his index finger and thumb, twisting it, made you moan, at which he just smirked.

His free hand started unzipping your dress, his other hand leaving your tits to help you undress, leaving you just in your underwear. He looked at you like if you were a piece of art, (which you are for his eyes only) admiring his work of marking you, your face already fucked up and he just started.

‘We can stop anytime.’ He assured you at which you just shyly nodded before your hands grabbed his shirt, signaling to take it off. He chuckled before doing so, he started kissing you again, then slowly going down your body, kissing your tits, tummy, until he reached your underwear. He gave you a last look before he continued. He gave a small peck on your clothed pussy before taking it off.

‘Can’t believe I haven’t even touched you and you’re already this wet. Makes me want to wreck you.’ His face suddenly surged into your pussy, his nose tickling your clit while he started teasing your hole with his tongue. Making you moan his name, you could feel he started drawing infinity symbols with his tongue before it changed to pleasure your clit and he then inserted his index finger inside of you.

‘Y-yes ‘toru! Right there!..’ Your moans made him a starved man and started devouring your pussy with more favor, making the pleasure way too much to handle, moans and whines coming out of your mouth, he then inserted a second finger inside of you. Making you feel giddy and your vision becoming blurry thanks to the tears forming on your eyes.

‘That’s right sweetheart, cry for me, show me how much you like this.’ He stopped eating you out, while he admired your body twitching thanks to his fingers moving inside of you.

You covered your face with one of your arms and his movement suddenly stopped.

‘Ah-ah, I need to see you princess, 'm simply enjoying the view. it's not every day I get to fuck someone so pretty. Let me see that pretty face of yours and I'll continue.’ With a whine you uncover yourself and he starts moving his fingers again, transforming that whine into a moan. ‘That's it baby.’

He just needed to move his finger a little higher and with that your vision became white and you came. Stripes of your fluids wetting Gojo’s fingers.

‘Such a good little pup, aren't you?’ He chuckled to himself before he started unbuckling himself, giving you time to calm yourself down.

‘You want to continue sugar?’ You nodded and that’s all he needed before getting his remaining clothes off. Showing his hard cock, the base was beige-ish with a pink and hard tip. A vein adorning it on the left part, it wasn’t so thick but oh man, he was large.

‘It won’t fit ‘toru.’

‘I’ll make it fit baby.’

He started inserting his cock inside of you, the stretch making you furrow your face.He started giving you small pecks to distract you from the pain it’ll later turn into please. He was half in when you swear you could feel the tip of his cock coming out of your throat.

‘Just a bit more princess…’ Once he was completely inside, he gave you some time to adjust yourself. It wasn’t until his cock twitched a little inside of you that touched your gummy spot that made you see stars.

‘Please move ‘toru.’

He started carefully thrusting, testing to see if you’re comfortable. ‘Do I continue- agh- baby..?’ He said between whimpers, feeling your hole clenching perfectly on his cock had him feeling like no other.

‘Huh…uh…keep going.’ He started thrusting faster, each time sucking him better than the last. ‘Faster—ah shit—harder…’

Your hands rested on his chest, while Gojo grabbed your legs, throwing them each on his shoulders, putting you into a mating press. Your hands then lowered themselves a little not his nipples, and you made an experimental movement of moving his nipple to the side, at which he responded with a whimper coming out of his mouth.

‘Nng~ That’s right baby, I love it when you touch me like that.’ He groaned when you pinched his right nipple, before a moan came out of you. Making you see stars again while he continued thrusting into you. Your fluids make it easier for him to insert himself again.

His hand traveled down your body until it met your clit, rubbing it, causing the overstimulation making you almost scream. Tears coming out of you, strips of cum filling your womb. But he didn’t stop.

‘I-im sorry baby, it just- ah~ feel so good.’ The overstimulation became too much for him too, rubbing your clit faster while he clumsy continued thrusting, making the both of you cum again in not even 5 minutes.

He lowered your legs down, admiring your hole full of his cum, before resting beside you. Getting an arm sound your body while he covered the both of you with the sheets and you rested your head on his chest.

Heavy breathing was all you could hear, before he gave you a small peck on the top of your head, looking back at him, the both of you smiled at the other. Both of you became one eunoia.

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538 notes · View notes

punkshort · 3 months

Text

somewhere to run | 6. the confession

Pairing: sheriff!Joel x f!reader

Chapter Summary: Joel finds out the truth and convinces you to press charges.

Chapter Warnings: language, angst, PTSD type symptoms, mutual pining, domestic violence and SA (discussed after the fact), mental and physical abuse, detailed conversations about DV and SA (I didn't get too descriptive about the SA but I do use the R word a couple times) please let me know if I missed anything because there is a lot going on here

WC: 9K

A/N: as the title implies, we are going to get more details about what happened to reader in this one so once again, please heed the warnings and don't read if you think it will be triggering for you. I tried not to be too graphic.

Series Masterlist

Joel could hardly sleep that night. Instead of going to the station, he headed home so he could be with Sarah. She wondered why he got home so early from his date, but he dodged the question and the two of them worked together in silence - Sarah on her homework, Joel on his incident report. When she asked him why he was working from home, he just shook his head and said something came up. She was a smart girl. She knew something was bothering him, but she didn't push it and he was grateful.

He tossed and turned all night, his mind reeling while he looked at his phone every few minutes. He checked the volume, he made sure do not disturb was off, wondering if you would reach out, but you never did. Maybe it wasn't unusual for Patrick to not come home. Or maybe you heard what happened and you were mad at Joel. That worried him the most. The fear that his actions might have destroyed what fragile relationship he had left with you ate him up as he stared blankly at his ceiling.

Morning came too quickly and too slowly all at once. He rubbed his tired eyes as he dragged himself into the bathroom. When he leaned forward to turn the water on, he was met with a sharp pain in his chest. He glanced down, rubbing the area tenderly and realized a large bruise was forming from his fight the night before. He winced when he pressed on a particularly sensitive spot and tried his best to avoid the area during his shower.

After he dropped Sarah off at school, he headed into work, his heart beginning to beat faster the closer he got to the station. He had no doubt in his mind the whole town knew what happened last night, but he was too tired and too overwhelmed to care about their curious questions and senseless gossip.

When he walked in, he breezed right past Helen's desk with a curt nod, doing his best to avoid all eye contact until he was within the safety of his office. He booted up his ancient computer and waited, his thumb rubbing mindlessly against his lower lip as he stared out his window.

He would go to the diner today. He already decided he had to see you. The radio silence was killing him and he needed to make sure you were okay. He was embarrassed about the Facebook messages, even more so that you weren't the one to read them, but Patrick was right. They were not innocent. The words held more weight than they appeared, but he had to come to terms with the fact that you were not his, and then maybe with some closure, he would be able to move on.

The morning dragged on slowly. Bobby caught him at the coffee maker, already working on his third cup, depending solely on the caffeine to help keep him going.

"Hey, boss. You look like shit, but not as bad as him," Bobby said, pouring himself more coffee and jutting his chin to the back of the building where the holding cells were located.

"Feel like shit," Joel mumbled, leaning against the counter and taking a sip from his mug.

"Think you broke his nose," Bobby added, finally looking up at him. "Called the doc but turns out he's real busy this mornin', won't be able to come by til after hours. Such a damn shame," he said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. Joel understood what he was saying without him having to say it. The people in this town looked out for one another and didn't take kindly to a stranger hurting one of their own. They were leaving Patrick to deal with his injuries longer than necessary.

"I don't think I broke anythin', he did that all on his own chargin' into that table," Joel said, but Bobby shook his head.

"Not the way he tells it," he replied with a chuckle. "You'd think you nearly killed him, the way he's been whinin' back there."

"No doubt lookin' for a lawsuit," Joel said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Don't worry, boss. You got a bar full'a witnesses. Hank already offered to give a statement and he was probably the only sober one there."

"Yeah, good. Thanks," Joel replied, pushing off the counter to head back to his office, trying to ignore the sideways glances of the men watching him from the bullpen. He shook his mouse and grimaced when he saw an email from the mayor looking to set up a meeting with him that week to discuss the incident. He knew he did nothing wrong, but the more attention this brought him, the worse he felt. Eventually, all of that talk would make its way back to you and Sarah, the truth most likely getting distorted along the way. He made a mental note to have a talk with his daughter that night as he slowly typed out a response to the mayor.

He swore he would try to get some actual work done, but he ended up spending more time staring out the window or at his phone, watching the minutes tick by til it was lunchtime and he could see you. Maybe he could pull you aside and talk to you in private. Maybe he could fix this.

The moment the clock read a reasonable hour, he jumped up from his seat and snatched his blazer from the coat hook, rolling his shoulders as he walked and put it on, then stifling a grunt when he felt a muscle in his chest pull from the effort.

He kept his head down as he walked down the street towards the diner, only glancing up once when he passed the pizza place. Your curtains were still drawn, no lights on that he could see, no sign of life.

A few people called out to him as he passed, but all he could muster was a tight smile and quick wave, not in the mood to get wrapped up into any conversations.

When he swung the door open, his eyes immediately went to the counter, searching you out but only finding Betty. Before he had a chance to look around the dining room, he heard María greet him.

"Where the hell were you last week?"

"I was here Friday," he muttered, looking around and avoiding her eyes.

"Yeah, with Nikki. Heard some stuff about that-"

"Is she here?" Joel asked, finally dragging his gaze to meet Maria's. She frowned and shook her head.

"No, she called in sick," Maria said, watching him carefully. "Joel, what's going on with you two? People are saying stuff about you and her husband, and-"

"She's sick?" Joel repeated, panic beginning to bubble to the surface. Maria nodded and shrugged.

"Yeah, people get sick, Joel. Hey! Where are you going?"

Joel didn't reply, he just hurried out the doors, nearly knocking down a middle aged couple as they were about to walk inside. He mumbled an apology as he jogged down the street towards your place.

Something was wrong.

Your eye cracked open when you heard the doorbell, the heavy thudding in your head making you immediately nauseous. You groaned and squeezed your eyes shut, rolling back under the covers. Maybe if you were quiet, Patrick would think you were at work and he would leave. But the bell kept ringing, the sound pinging around in your brain making the headache you already had so much worse.

When he began pounding on the door and shouting from the street, you dragged yourself out of bed and wrapped yourself in a thin robe. You knew your body couldn't take much more, but letting him in would be better than allowing him to make a scene in front of the whole town, so you forced your feet forward, still limping from the day before.

You had to pause in the doorway to catch your breath as you clutched your side, wincing in pain as you tried to gingerly walk down the steps, but you were taking too long and he just kept pounding and shouting and the all noise was making you sick.

"Stop," you called out weakly, not convinced he would even hear you, but miraculously he did because the noise finally ceased, and you sighed a small breath of relief.

Shakily, you reached out to grip the doorknob, your fingers fumbling with the locks until you finally managed to twist the brass handle, opening the door just a sliver, worried people walking by would see your face. Then, unexpectedly, you heard Joel's voice instead of Patrick's say your name softly and before you could peer around the door, you went to quickly shut it with no success. His hand gripped the door tightly, but you held firm, hiding behind the wood.

"You shouldn't be here," you told him, your voice weak and broken.

"I know you're mad at me but I gotta talk to you 'bout what happened," he said from the other side. "Please let me in."

Unbeknownst to you both, you were talking about two different things.

"If he finds you here... no, you have to leave," you said, pushing the door again, but he didn't budge.

"Patrick?" he questioned, sounding confused.

"Yes, Patrick," you rasped, getting dizzy from exerting so much energy in your weakened state. "Please just go."

"He's in jail, did - no one told you?" he asked quietly, trying to keep his voice down.

"Jail?" you repeated, and your grip on the door loosened in surprise. Joel felt it and took the opportunity to open it further. You stepped back quickly, wrapping the robe around you tighter and trying to fidget with your hair to hide the marks, but you knew it was pointless the moment you saw his face after closing the door behind him.

"What the fuck?" he whispered, his jaw dropping as his eyes slowly raked over your face, neck and arms. Your lip was swollen and cut, the scab breaking open and beginning to weep the more you spoke. Your cheekbone had a light purple bruise blooming under your skin, as did your jaw. There was a small gash near your hairline and what looked like scratch marks down your neck, leading past your collar bone and below your robe. When you shakily brought your hands up to cover your face in shame, he saw the dark bruises on your wrists.

"Oh my god," he whispered, unable to bring his voice any louder. When he reached out, you flinched away and he felt like he had been stabbed in the chest.

"You should go," you said quietly, your eyes pinned to the ground.

"I can't," he said in utter disbelief. "I can't... why didn't you call me?"

You looked like you were about to reply but decided against it and instead still kept your gaze averted.

"C'mon, lemme take you upstairs and get a look at you," he said, reaching out again, but you stumbled backwards, nearly falling onto the steps.

"Please don't touch me," you told him, holding up a hand, and he nodded.

"Okay, I won't touch you," he said, trying to remain calm while his heart was breaking. "Let's just go upstairs, alright?"

Reluctantly, you agreed and slowly ascended the steps, Joel following dutifully behind. He ushered you over to the couch, making sure you were seated before he went to your bathroom, rummaging around in your medicine cabinet while you sat there, your face buried in your palms and trying not to cry.

He came back into the living room, trying not to make you feel worse by hiding his reaction, but it was hard. He swallowed and dropped his eyes to the assortment of first aid items in his hands.

"Did you take anything for the pain?" he asked, his voice thick, his throat tight.

"Not today, no," you admitted softly. He nodded and shook out two white pills from a bottle and handed them to you before getting you some water. While safely in the kitchen where you couldn't see him, he let out a shaky breath and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm himself down. How could this happen? How didn't he see it? He should have checked on you earlier. He never should have fucking let you leave with Patrick yesterday. Guilt racked his brain as he exhaled slowly and went back to you in the living room.

"Here," he said, handing you the bottle of water. You took it and popped the pills in your mouth, wincing as you swallowed them down.

He sat down on the couch next to you but was sure to give you your space as he picked up the antiseptic and some gauze.

"Will you let me?" he asked, holding up the items in his hand. You paused and looked at them, then him. His eyes were wide and soft and shiny with unshed tears. Slowly, you nodded and watched as he twisted off the cap and put some of the antiseptic on the gauze, first pressing it gently against the gash on your forehead, then making a fresh one for your lip.

At first, he dabbed at the cut gently, ghosting over your skin as if he were afraid. But then he brought his other hand up to caress your chin, his fingers feather-like and so careful that it made your eyes flutter shut, his touch unlike anything you were used to. When you finally opened your eyes again, his hands were gone and he was staring at you, the look in his eyes morphing from sadness to one you were much more familiar with.

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill him," he said menacingly, sending a shiver down your spine.

"Don't," you said, shaking your head, but his eyes darkened and his jaw was set.

"Why didn't you tell me, sweetheart? I could've done somethin'. I could've-"

"What? What could you have done, Joel? I've heard it all before," you told him, your lip trembling. "I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. And it never works. Nothing ever changes and it just gets worse."

Joel shook his head, still not understanding.

"I'm a cop, I coulda protected you. There's laws in place for this kinda thing."

"I've gone to the cops, Joel! More than once! And they all told me the same shit!" you exclaimed, getting worked up now. "Then I go home, and magically my statement goes missing, or my medical exam report, and I'm in worse shape than before because guess what? It makes him really fucking mad when his buddies on the force find out what he does to his wife at home."

Joel's lips parted as he watched your chest heave for breath, the energy quickly draining from your frail body.

"I... I'm so sorry," was all he could say. He couldn't blame you for not trusting anyone, especially him, now that he finally knew the truth. Everything was starting to make sense. His guilt was pulling him down and he felt like he was drowning in it. So many things he should have done. Should have seen. He should have helped you but instead he trotted Nikki in front of you to make you feel even worse.

"I can really help you, though. I ain't like that," he said, scooting a little closer to you.

"I've heard that before, too," you said sadly, dropping your gaze to the ground. "There's no getting out of this. I thought by running I could try to start over, but it's clear now he will never let me go." You closed your eyes as two tears fell down your cheeks. You wiped them away angrily, hating yourself for being so weak all the time.

Joel felt his chest squeeze, his heart breaking as he watched you fall apart. He needed to do something. He couldn't let you down. You needed to get out of this, or else it could cost you your life.

"Look at me," he said, waiting until your tears slowed and you forced your eyes open. "I promise I'll help you. I fuckin' promise you, alright? You ain't in Pennsylvania, I ain't his buddy, and I will do whatever I gotta do to keep you safe."

You searched his face, eyes all wide and your heart sliced open, lying on the table between you. You've been let down so many times, it was so hard to tell when anyone was being truthful anymore, but you couldn't deny what you felt for him. And what he felt for you. You knew something was there, something real and honest and pure. He wouldn't have any reason to lie to you at this point, so after a moment, you nodded.

"Okay," you whispered, and you could see the relief flood his face.

He sat back on the couch and rubbed his chin in thought, staring at the TV screen across from him that wasn't even on while the gears in his tired head worked overtime.

"Alright," he finally said, slapping his knees and standing up from the couch. "First things first: you gotta get to a doctor."

You immediately recoiled and shook your head.

"Absolutely not."

"I'm sorry, but you have to. I gotta..." he trailed off and chewed the inside of his cheek before pushing onward. "I gotta have a doctor take pictures."

Your face instantly crumpled and you buried your face in your hands once again.

"I'm sorry," he whispered for what felt like the hundredth time, getting down on one knee to be eye level with you. "But in order for this to work, they gotta record evidence, okay?"

"Joel, I can't," you whimpered, your face still covered, but he nodded and caressed the side of your head with his palm.

"Yes, you can. I'll be right there, okay? Unless you don't want me there, but I'll go with you if you want. Or I'll wait outside the door. Whatever you need, I'll do it. I'm gonna get you outta this."

You sniffled and finally dropped your hands to your lap, your gaze finding his.

"This is the last time, I promise you," he said, staring deep into your eyes. "I'll never let him near you again."

You thought his words over for a moment, the two of you sitting in silence, looking at the other. One trying to earn trust, the other trying to give it. Finally, you closed your eyes and nodded, giving your consent for what was to come.

"Okay," Joel said softly, dropping his hand from your face and standing up to pull out his phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm lookin' up the number of a doctor I trust. She's a woman, too. She's real nice and sensitive. I've used her for a couple cases in the past," he said, finding the number and dialing it, bringing the phone up to his ear. Cases. You couldn't help but feel like just another victim the way he said it, even though he didn't mean it that way. You listened as he spoke to her over the phone in a hushed tone, not giving too much of your information away but insisting it was an urgent matter. When he hung up, he turned to you with a weak smile.

"She can see you this afternoon."

"Oh," you said, glancing down at your appearance. You weren't expecting to leave the house that day and you weren't sure what to do.

"It's okay," he said, sitting down next to you again and resting his hand on your knee. "I'll take you through the backdoor of her office, no one'll see you. She'll be fast."

You nodded and looked up at him.

"Maybe I should shower," you said. He paused and shifted his gaze away.

"You, uh," he cleared his throat and rubbed his forehead with the pads of his fingers. He knew this would come up, one way or another. "I don't mean to get into too much detail, but if he..." Joel trailed off, finding it difficult to finish his sentence. "If he did more than hit you, you shouldn't shower," he finally choked out, unable to look you in the eye.

You froze, finally understanding what he meant. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall, his neck tensing, his nostrils flaring, as he waited for your response.

"I won't shower, then," you finally said, your voice strained.

His eyes slid shut and he dropped his chin to his chest. Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He pinched the bridge of his nose while he tried to steady his breathing.

"I'll just go change," you mumbled, standing up while he nodded, still trying to breathe.

He did his best to collect himself while you were out of the room, but he could feel himself spiraling. What was he doing when it happened? Was he watching a movie with Sarah? Was he eating dinner? Was he getting ready for his fucking date with Nikki?

He could feel the tears welling up but he quickly wiped them away. You needed him to be strong. You needed someone to help you, to take care of you. He couldn't afford to be weak right now. He would let himself feel it later, when he was all alone at home and Sarah was asleep. When nobody needed him and he could just let the guilt and shame and sorrow wash over him.

"Jesus, Joel," Carol muttered as she left the exam room. Joel jumped up from his seat, anxiously waiting for it to be over. He rubbed his palms against his pants, trying to wipe the sweat away. She sighed and looked up at him, taking off her glasses.

"So?"

"So?" she repeated, shaking her head. "So, I have your evidence."

Joel nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"She's been through a lot," Carol said softly, walking him down to her office for privacy. She closed the door but he didn't sit down.

"She's gonna be lookin' for me," he explained, jutting his thumb over his shoulder.

"I'll be quick," she said, sitting down at her desk with a sigh. "There was significant scarring and healed bones, detailing years of abuse, and definitely evidence of some most recently."

"Yeah, I imagine anyone can see that by just lookin' at her face," he replied, but she shook her head.

"I didn't mean her face."

Joel felt his breath get caught in his throat.

"Right," he finally said, his voice cracking.

"She said her husband is a cop?" Carol asked, flipping open a yellow file on her desk. Joel nodded.

"Got him in lockup right now for swingin' on me at Hank's," he explained.

Carol's eyes glanced up at his and she quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I heard something about that," she said, lacing her fingers together and looking at him closely. "Can I give you some advice, Joel?"

He shifted his weight, not sure where she was going with it, but nodded anyway.

"Don't take her statement yourself. Have someone else do it, alright?"

"Why?" he asked quickly, and she gave him a knowing look.

"Because it'll be gruesome, and you're too involved."

Joel frowned.

"Too-"

"Don't care what you've got going on with her, I'm just giving you some friendly advice. Let someone else do it," she said, her eyes softening. "Besides, you got into it with her husband last night. You don't want some hot shot lawyer tossing out her testimony in court because he can link together some personal relationship between you two."

Joel considered her words for a moment and reluctantly nodded. She was right. He was having a hard time keeping things separate, and he appreciated the clarity. He couldn't fuck this up for you. Not now.

"Anythin' else?"

She leaned back in her chair and shook her head.

"You'll have my report in the morning," she said. He nodded, thanking her again for seeing you on such short notice before exiting the room. He turned the corner just as you were opening the exam room door clutching a worn hoodie around yourself and looking around frantically before your eyes fell on him and you visibly relaxed.

"Hey, sorry. You alright?" he asked, his hands gently coming up to your shoulders to guide you towards the back exit. You gulped and nodded.

"Wasn't so bad," you said.

"Good. You did the right thing," he said as he held open the door for you and led you back to his truck.

Once you were comfortably seated and Joel merged back into traffic, you shot him a sideways glance and asked him the question that had been weighing on your mind since he came over that morning.

"Joel?"

"Hm?" he said, twisting his head to the side to change lanes.

"Why is Patrick in jail?"

Joel's grip on the steering wheel tightened and there was an uncomfortable pause before he sighed.

"He came at me last night. We happened to both be at a bar at the same time, he was drunk and swung on me."

"What?!" you exclaimed, twisting around in your seat to look at him.

"I thought you knew since he didn't come home last night. Thought you were avoidin' me by callin' off work," he said, keeping his eyes fixed on the road.

"No, I had no idea. He hasn't been staying at my apartment, he has a motel room somewhere," you said, peering at his face, then dropping your gaze to his hands where you could see now his knuckles were a little red.

"Are you okay?" you asked after a beat, and he scoffed.

"Am I okay?" he repeated with a shake of his head. He looked at you in shock, the corner of his mouth turning up into a half smirk. "I'm fine. Can't believe you'd be worried 'bout me after what you went through."

"Of course I worry about you," you said softly, and he felt his heart melt. Why did you have to be so sweet? After everything you've been through, after everyone in your life has let you down, you were still so fucking sweet.

He wanted to say more. He wanted to say so much more, but he couldn't. He couldn't put that kind of stress on you. It would be selfish to tell you how much he thinks about you, how much he wished you were his, how he hasn't been able to get you out of his head since the moment he laid eyes on you. No, that would be wrong. It wasn't the right time, so he swallowed the words back from the tip of his tongue and focused on the road.

"What's next?" you asked him as he walked you up to your front door. Mercifully, the weather was threatening to downpour so the streets were quiet.

"Well, next you'll have to come down to the station and give your statement so we can formally press additional charges," he said, knowing you wouldn't want to hear it but he was surprised when you simply nodded your head.

"Okay. When?"

"Tomorrow?" he offered, and you nodded again as you unlocked your door.

"I'll have to call off work or come by after," you told him, stepping inside and turning to look at him.

"Listen, 'bout that," Joel began, and you frowned. "I gotta tell Tommy."

"No!" you cried, your eyes going wide with worry, but he shushed you and shook his head.

"I gotta tell him so he can keep an eye on things, alright? I won't be able to keep him in lockup for much longer and I can't be with you all the time to protect you, d'you understand?"

"Joel..." you whimpered, burying your face in your hands. He had to physically restrain himself from pulling you into his arms. He fucking hated seeing you like this.

"We can file a restraining order tomorrow but a piece of paper won't necessarily keep him away, and I can't risk it," Joel explained, his heart breaking for you.

"Okay," you sniffled, finally coming to terms with it. If you were going to do this, you had to trust him.

"Okay," Joel repeated. "Tommy served in the Army, he knows what he's doin', I promise. I'll tell him to keep it quiet, alright?"

"Yeah," you whispered, rubbing your nose with the back of your hand.

"And no more walkin' back from work in the dark. Take your car or get a ride. If I can, I'll drive you - " Joel pulled out his phone to look at his calendar, but you stopped him.

"I can manage, but thank you."

You looked at one another for a moment, both of you unsure what else to say. You were thankful for what he was doing but you weren't sure you had the words to properly express your gratitude. Everything you wanted to say felt so small, so insignificant. So instead of attempting to cobble together some sentence that wouldn't do your feelings justice, you stepped forward and wrapped your arms around his waist, burying your face against his warm chest. He quickly brought his arms up around you in return, gently placing his hands on your head and back as he held you carefully against him, as if he was worried you would break. He was absolutely certain you could feel how hard his heart was thumping in his chest, but he didn't care. He just wanted to feel you, to hold you, to keep you safe.

"It's gonna be okay," he told you, his voice heavy, and he felt you nod against him before pulling back, his chest suddenly feeling so empty.

"Thank you," you whispered, then spared him one more glance before heading inside, the door clicking shut softly behind you.

Later that evening, after you had forced yourself to eat some soup and drink some water, you were settling in on your couch when you heard a soft knock at your door. You muted your TV and strained your ears to listen. It didn't sound like a familiar knock, not one filled with anger or urgency. You glanced down at your phone, wondering if Joel had sent you a text that you missed, but nothing was there.

Hesitantly, you made your way down the steps. Your fingers brushed the doorknob, but before you opened it, you spoke through the door.

"Who's there?"

"It's me," Maria's voice drifted through the wood, and you breathed a sigh of relief. You unlocked the door and met her eyes. She tried to hold back the wince upon seeing your face, but you still caught it.

"Heard you might need some help," she said, holding up a small plastic bag. You frowned, confused, until she tilted it open for you to look inside. There, you found a variety of makeup bottles and powders in shades that looked pretty close to your skin tone.

You opened the door and let her in. You could tell you were able to take the stairs a little quicker than the morning, and you hoped that meant you were healing because you really couldn't afford to miss more time at work.

"Cute place," she said, glancing around before following you into your living room.

"Thanks," you murmured, turning the volume back on the TV as she settled into the couch next to you.

"I hope you don't mind," she said, motioning towards the bag. "Joel called and told Tommy what happened... I'm so sorry, I wish you would've called us, we could've helped you."

"Thanks," you said with a shrug. "I guess I'm just used to dealing with it on my own."

"Well if you're ever scared of staying alone, we have a spare bedroom, so please don't hesitate to ask."

You gave her a small smile, hoping she could tell how grateful you were. With the exception of one cousin back home, nobody had tried to stand up for you before. Not even your own parents. The whole concept was so foreign to you, you weren't sure how to respond.

Maria seemed to sense this and she changed the subject, leaning forward to sift through the contents of the drugstore bag, pulling out item after item and holding it up against your arm to decide which shade would work best. She spent the next hour helping you cover your cuts and bruises, and by the time you were done, you didn't look half bad.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she packed up her things and shoved her sneakers back on.

"A little less sore," you admitted. "I should be able to work tomorrow."

"Why don't you take one more day? Joel said you're going down to the station tomorrow, it might take more out of you than you expect."

You thought it over for a moment before reluctantly agreeing. Money was a concern, but you could wait one more day, and maybe you could pick up an extra shift over the weekend.

You thanked her as she headed down the steps and she reminded you again to call her and Tommy if you ever needed anything, and you promised you would.

When you were finally on your own again, you sat in silence, thinking about these people who barely knew you, who you essentially lied to, banding together to help you out. It was unlike anything you were used to, and you were beginning to think you may have finally found your home.

The next morning, you paced around your living room, anxiously nibbling at your nails as you waited for Joel to ring the bell. He had insisted on picking you up. He said he could swing by after he dropped Sarah off at school, that it wouldn't be a problem and he passed by your apartment anyway. You didn't understand why he was so insistent: the walk was less than ten minutes, but you didn't feel like arguing.

You were checking your makeup job in the mirror for the fifth time when the bell rang. With a deep sigh, you pulled on your sneakers, slung your purse over your shoulder and headed down the steps. When you opened the door, he was standing with his back to you under a brown blazer and his arms crossed, trying to appear casual for anybody who might be walking by, but when he heard you step through the door he swiveled around quickly.

"Good morning," you said to him with a small smile after you were sure the door was locked tight.

"Mornin'. You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," you said as he led you to his truck parked a little ways down the street.

"You really didn't have to do this, you know," you said again, glancing around to see if anyone was watching.

"I know," was all he said before opening the passenger door for you and giving you a hand to step up into the cab.

The quick ride to the station was quiet, only the hum from his radio filling the air as your fingers fidgeted in your lap. When he parked the truck and you made a move to open the door, he held a hand out.

"Wait a minute, I gotta talk to you before we go in there."

You dropped your hand to your lap and looked at him expectantly.

"I can't take your statement today, I'm gonna have another officer do it," he said, his words rushed like he knew you wouldn't take the news well. And you didn't.

"What?!" you cried out softly, anxiety already creeping up and squeezing your chest.

"I'm sorry, I can't," he said, taking a deep breath and glancing out the windshield before looking back at you. "There's a conflict of interest. Patrick assaulted me, and if I go and take your statement, it won't look good to a judge."

"Oh my god," you mumbled, rubbing your eyes with the heels of your hands.

"It'll be okay. I'll be right there the whole time. Right on the other side of the glass, okay? I promise, I won't leave."

He watched you for a minute, waiting for you to say something, and when you didn't he began to question himself.

"Unless you don't want me to hear, I don't have to-"

"No, I'd prefer you be there," you said quickly.

He nodded and took a deep breath in.

"I asked a female officer to do it. Her name's Beth. She's real nice, she's dealt with... situations like this in the past."

"Okay," you said softly, reaching for the handle, but once again he stopped you.

"One more thing. I gotta cut him loose tomorrow."

You squeezed your eyes shut. You knew this would happen, but it didn't stop you from feeling the overwhelming sense of dread that crept up your spine.

"It'll be fine. I'll file the restraining order today. If he comes within fifty feet of you, he's goin' right back to jail, okay?" he said, his hand coming up to rest assuringly on your knee.

"Okay," you whispered, finally opening your eyes to look at him.

"You can do this. I know you can."

You had to hold back the tears that sprung up when his words hit your ears. Nobody has ever believed in you, listened to you, took care of you the way he did, and he hardly even knew you. People who have been in your life for years, your own family didn't encourage you the way Joel did. On one hand, it was depressing to realize it took this long for someone to give a shit, but on the other hand, you were so, so relieved someone finally did.

As Joel led you into the station, he kept his head held high, ignoring the glances shot your way and you did your best to do the same. You followed him towards the back, and you hesitated a brief moment before entering the interrogation room, pushing all the bad memories to the back of your mind and focusing on the present.

You needed to put an end to this, once and for all.

You were doing okay. It was half an hour into giving your statement to Beth, and Joel was right. She seemed very kind and patient, and you relaxed after speaking with her for just a few minutes. Or maybe it was because you knew Joel was just a few feet away, watching from the other side of the glass, just like he promised. Whatever it was, you were doing better than you expected.

You had gotten through the bullet points of your history with Patrick. You had detailed how you met after you graduated from high school, how he had just gotten back from basic training with the Marines and was applying to join the Philadelphia police department. You explained how at first, things were great. He was loving and kind, for the most part, but you had been inexperienced and didn't recognize the red flags when you saw them. Like when he got overly possessive at house parties, and especially so when he started drinking. At first, you had thought it was sweet, but then he started getting a little rough. You explained at the time, he would apologize the next day and promise not to do it again, but a few weeks later, he would inevitably go back on his word. The cycle repeated itself over and over for a year, until he proposed one night in front of your entire family, and you had felt pressured to say yes. You had hoped it was just nerves, that eventually you would be excited about marrying him, but it never came. He had rushed you into planning the ceremony and you were only engaged for a few short months. And again, you fooled yourself into thinking everything was just happening so fast, that it was so stressful planning a wedding and that one day, you would be happy.

You couldn't remember the argument that caused him to first hit you. To really hit you, enough to leave a nasty bruise, but you remembered the shock, and you remembered the pain and the fear. And once again, he had apologized the following day, and you forgave him. Because you were weak and scared and confused.

"Did anybody in your life notice?" Beth asked, her eyes filled with what appeared to be genuine concern.

"I hid it at first, but eventually, yes, people noticed," you admitted, fidgeting with the edge of your shirt.

"Did they offer to help you?"

"My cousin," you said, looking down at your hands. "She helped me... she helped me find a clinic so I wouldn't get pregnant."

"Did Patrick know you were on birth control?" Beth asked gently while scratching away with her pen on paper.

"No, I didn't think he would like that."

"Why not?"

"He's made comments to me in the past about wanting a big family, and I was afraid to tell him no. I was afraid he would hurt our children, too," you said, still staring down at your hands.

"Has he raped you?" Beth asked bluntly, and you visibly balked.

"Oh, um," you faltered, the word for whatever reason sending shockwaves through you. You knew the answer, but you just hated admitting it.

"Yes," you finally said, your voice cracking, so you cleared your throat and took a sip of water.

"I'm sorry," Beth said quietly, catching your gaze and giving you a sympathetic look. "I won't ask too much today, but you need to know if this goes to trial, a judge will ask for a lot more detail. You can get a lawyer and they will help walk you through it when the time comes." She reached out across the table to place her hand on top of yours, her thumb rubbing over your knuckles. You nodded, wordlessly telling her to keep going.

"When did it start?"

"Right after we got married, I think."

"How often?" she asked, pulling her hand back so she could focus on writing.

"A few times a week, I guess? I mean, I don't know what counts. A lot of the times I wouldn't be in the mood and he would pressure me, other times were more... deliberate." You swallowed and glanced quickly at the mirror behind Beth, suddenly regretting asking Joel to listen.

"Did you tell your parents?" Beth asked, glancing up at you.

"I told my mom, yes."

"And what did she say?"

"She told me it was a wife's duty to... be available to her husband. She didn't think it was rape." You spit the last word out like it was poison on your tongue. Beth winced but tried to hide it by looking down at her notes.

"And when would he hit you?"

"It varied. Most of the time it was when he was drunk or high. He promised me all the time he would get help, but he never stuck with it."

"Did you ever have to go to the hospital?"

"Yes. A few times. He's broken my arm twice, fractured my hip, and I've had a few concussions. On one occasion, he strangled me until I lost consciousness. I had to be admitted for a bruised trachea." You absentmindedly rubbed your arm and neck as you spoke, your fingers gliding over the old wounds.

"And you've gone to the police before?" she asked.

"Yes, a couple times, but -" you could feel your resolve breaking, and you bit your lower lip to keep it from trembling. "But he always did something to make it go away, and then he would get really mad. One time when I went to file a complaint, he had a cop friend of his lock me in a room just like this one for a whole day. To teach me a lesson." You twirled your finger around the sparse room, tears glistening in your eyes. "They didn't let me out, I couldn't use the bathroom, I didn't have anything to eat or drink. I was all alone."

You stopped talking and tucked your chin against your chest, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. You wiped a shaky palm against your cheek, drying the tears that fell before you looked back up.

"There were times he would be gone for two or three days at a time and come back, all strung out and crazy... those were the times, the times I went to the police, that I ended up in the hospital. So I stopped asking cops for help."

She nodded as she wrote, giving you a minute to collect yourself before her next question. You glanced up at the mirror again and wondered what Joel was thinking. Did he leave? Or was he still there? You almost hoped he had left. You were feeling too vulnerable as it was, but the thought of him looking at you with pity after this was over made your stomach turn.

"I've done this before," you said suddenly, pulling her attention off the page. "And it always ends up the same. Please tell me this will be different."

"It will be different," she said immediately, her jaw set. She put her pen down on her pad and laced her fingers together. "I'm so sorry the justice system as failed you so tremendously, but we will do everything we can for you now that you're here."

You nodded and wiped more of your tears away before she handed you a box of tissues from a small cabinet in the corner of the room. Taking a deep, shaky breath, you met her gaze once again.

"What else?"

"I think that's enough for today," she said, flipping the pages closed on her legal pad. "We got your doctor's report this morning, and combined with this statement we will start the process of formally pressing charges. After that, if he pleads not guilty, it will go before a judge. But let's take it one step at a time, okay?"

"Okay," you said quietly, gathering your purse and following her out of the room. Your eyes immediately drifted around the hallway and then the bullpen, searching for Joel, but he was nowhere to be found. You frowned as Beth led you towards the front lobby, prepared to walk home, when you heard his voice call your name just as you were opening the door.

"I'll take you home," he said. His face looked hardened and his eyes looked distant.

"You don't have to," you began, but he just shook his head and gingerly cupped your elbow, directing you out the door and into the parking lot.

The ride back was silent. He didn't even have the radio on. You glanced out your window nervously, trying not to read too much into it, but when he dropped you off with barely a comforting word or any acknowledgement of what you confessed, you were convinced your greatest fear had come true. Now that he knew it all, now that he finally heard the truth, he couldn't look at you the same.

You were glad Maria had the foresight to tell you to stay home that day. You were mentally exhausted. Rehashing everything and then Joel's reaction put you in an awful mood. By 4pm, after lounging around watching mindless television and checking your phone constantly for any sign of life from Joel, you decided to just make yourself an early dinner, take a shower and then go to bed early.

As you were stepping out of the shower, the water finally turned off and all of the day's makeup covering your wounds down the drain, you heard your doorbell ringing incessantly. Repeatedly. Urgently.

A jolt of dread shot down your spine, but you remembered Joel said Patrick wouldn't be let out until tomorrow. But what if he got out early? What if he made a phone call and Joel was forced to release him?

Wrapped in a robe, your hair dripping down and soaking the thin material, you jogged to the living room and checked your phone. Surely, if Patrick was released, Joel would have warned you, but you didn't have any missed calls or texts. Then the pounding on the door started, making you jump out of your skin.

Slowly, you crept down the stairs, your hand gripping the doorknob tightly, your fingers hovering over the lock.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," you heard Joel's voice say from the other side, and your eyes widened in shock. You glanced down at your robe, little streaks and drops of wetness trailing down the shiny material.

"Uh, can you -"

"Please open up, people are startin' to look at me like I'm crazy."

With a sigh, you unlocked the door and stepped back, clutching your robe tightly against your chest. Joel squeezed inside and shut the door quickly behind him before turning around, his eyes raking quickly up and down your body before looking you in the eye.

"You were in the shower."

"Yeah," you said, glancing around anxiously before looking up the stairs. "Did you want to come up or something?" He just nodded slowly, his eyes flitting down once again as you led him up the steps.

"I got worried, I was ringin' the bell but I guess you couldn't hear it," he explained, taking off his shoes and shrugging off his blazer.

"What were you worried about? He's still in jail, right?" you asked, handing him some water before sitting down on the couch.

"Yeah, I just... I shouldn'tve left you alone earlier. I shoulda stayed." He stood there, a glass of water in his hand, the other rubbing over his mouth nervously.

You stared at one another for a moment, both trying to figure the other one out. He was breathing faster than normal, his chest rising and falling rapidly under his white button down shirt.

"Why are you here, Joel?" you finally asked, your heart starting to beat faster. "Because if it's out of pity, I don't want it."

"It's not -" he cut himself off and shifted his weight before setting the water down. "It's not pity." He took two steps and sunk down into your couch, his elbows on his knees as he stared at the floor, trying to figure out what to say.

"It's not fair," he finally said quietly. So quietly, you almost didn't hear him. "Everything that's happened. It's not fuckin' fair."

You scrunched your nose, confused, as you looked at him still staring down at the floor. You were about to open your mouth and ask him what he meant when he spoke again.

"I never shoulda let you leave with him that day. Somethin' felt off, I felt it in my gut-" he sat back to press his hand against his stomach for emphasis. "But I let you go. And he -"

He couldn't finish his sentence, his throat closing up as he fought to blink the tears away.

"It's not your fault, Joel," you told him, resting a hand on his broad shoulder but he stood up quickly to pace around the room.

"I'll never let it happen again," he muttered. "Never gonna let him near you again. I'll fuckin' kill him if I have to, he's never comin' here again." His voice was rising as he spoke, his breath coming in short stutters as he rubbed his forehead with the pads of his fingers, eyes wide and crazed as the panic seized him.

So it wasn't pity. It was guilt that brought him to you.

"Joel, calm down," you said, standing up to reach out to him, but he kept pacing.

"Oh fuck, I'm never gonna forgive myself," he whispered, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

"You didn't do this to me, he did," you assured him, trying to get him to stop moving. "You're helping me, Joel. You're the only one who ever really tried to help me. There's nothing to forgive."

He finally paused and glanced at you, his breath a little shallow as the panic began to subside.

"I'm gonna get you outta this, I promise," he said, his voice sounding more steady.

"I know," you replied, nodding your head.

He took a deep breath in through his nose and tore his eyes away from you to glance at his watch.

"I better go," he said regrettably, looking back up at you again.

"Okay," you said, following him to the door and leaning against the wall as he put his shoes back on.

"D'you need anythin'? Did you eat? I can -"

"I ate, I'm fine," you told him with a small smile. "Thank you, though."

"Alright," he said after a moment, then forced himself to open the door. Before he stepped through, he looked back at you over his shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'm working dinner tomorrow," you told him, suddenly feeling crestfallen you wouldn't see him for lunch.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he repeated, more firm this time. You slowly nodded and wrapped your arms around yourself, hoping he couldn't see through your robe.

You listened sadly as his heavy footsteps descended the stairs and the door shut softly behind him. You knew him well enough at this point that he would have turned the lock on the knob before he left but you still wanted to peek down the steps to check. Your eyes widened when, to your surprise, he was still standing there at the bottom of your stairs, his back leaning up against the door. His eyes flicked up to meet yours when he noticed movement, and you saw Adam’s apple bob in his throat before he spoke.

"I can't leave."

You looked at one another for a long moment, your heart slamming in your chest, knowing what this meant. You were sick and tired of always trying to do the right thing. Where did it get you? How could you even fool yourself into thinking you had any obligation to Patrick anymore? Joel knew everything now. He knew what he was doing, so you said the words that were on the tip of your tongue. The words that you knew would open the door for something both of you wanted so desperately, you could taste it.

"Then stay."

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auratux · 10 months

Note

Opinions on how the Bll characters would react when you tell them that you’re afraid that you’re holding them back? And you know the ‘you deserve better’ insecurities.

omgomg I love this 🥹🫶

includes: Bachira, Isagi, Kunigami, Rin, Chigiri and Nagi

warnings: angst, hurt comfort (if I labeled that right..)

Bachira Meguru

He’d be real sad that you even thought about that in the first place

It makes him think to himself if he never gave you enough reassurance or showed his appreciation to you

He’d want you to tell him why you felt that way in the first place and hopefully, you two could come to an understanding. He was big on communicating.

“I can’t keep holding you back, Meguru,” you whisper pitifully, staring down at your hands that were enveloped in his. “You have to focus on your future.”

“What makes you think that, honey?” He asks gently. His heart aches to see you in this state and wishes he could take all your pain and put it on his shoulders. “Please tell me.”

“You’re so close to reaching your dream and becoming pro and it feels that I’m the one who is stopping you from pursuing and taking the spot on the national team. If it were my fault that you didn’t go, I’d hate myself.”

“Do I make you feel that way..?”

“No!” You shake your head. “It’s me thinking that. I just don’t want to be that person who stops you from doing what you want most.”

“Darling..” his finger curls under your chin, tilting your head up. His yellow orbs staring into your own— your irises gleaming from the tears that fall. “If anything, you’re the reason why I’m pushing to go pro. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I’m at. I can’t do it without you. I need you with me.”

“R-Really..? You mean that?”

“Every word. You’re my rock and I can’t do this without you. Please don’t think you’re holding me back. You’re motivating me to be the best version of myself.”

Isagi Yoichi

At first, he doesn’t believe you and thinks you’re joking but once he notices your tear-stained face he snaps out of it.

Isagi knows what it’s like to feel like you’re holding people back — he felt that way years ago when he played with his school team.

He feels that he’s not the best comforter with words but he knows that him being there for you and listening is more than enough — and you feel that way too

"I just can't stand the fact that I feel as if I'm holding you back from what you really want, Yoi. I feel like a burden"

And an arrow pierces right through his heart. His mouth is agape as he listens to you pour your heart out on the couch in the middle of the night. Prior, you were both enjoying a movie while cuddling when suddenly you said that you couldn't do it.

"You aren't a burden.."

"Then why do I feel like one?" you whimper, your sad eyes glaring into his own. "I feel like a failure of a girlfriend who can't even let her boyfriend do what he wants!"

Just like that, you break down in front of him for the second time that night. He hates the position he put you in. He never realized or never intentionally wanted you to feel this way. For all he knew, he felt that you guys were on the same page.

His ray of sunshine that could brighten up any dull room was now surrounded by dark grey clouds of doubt and insecurity.

"come here," he mutters, placing a hand on your shoulder and running it down your back, bringing you close to him. His other hand strokes the back of your head. His lips press against the top of your head, listening to your muffled cries.

"Listen, I know we both know I'm not the best comforter, but I'll always try my best to put a smile on your face. I don't want you to have these thoughts and I'm glad you could tell me. But know, I wouldn't be here without you, and damn won't continue without you."

Kunigami Rensuke

when you approached him with a teary expression he immediately goes into protective mode. who did it? Where were they? does he know them? doesn't matter, he's gonna get to the bottom of it

but when you tell him what's upsetting you, he goes straight to comforting you and relieving you from the doubts surrounding your mind

"I know how much you worked and how far you pushed for this and I feel that you could reach your full potential without me here. I mean, maybe you have to go on without me and start a new chapter..."

"Is that how you truly feel?"

"yes," you whisper pitifully, refusing to meet his eyes. you aren't sure what he's thinking and honestly, you want to keep it that way. it would hurt too much to find out if he's looking down at you with disgust or thinking you're insane.

"look at me."

A small noise in refusal and a shake of your head is your response. He lets out a small sign and scoots closer to you, squeezing your bare thigh. "Come on, don't be that way."

"Why aren't you mad?"

"Mad?" he asks in confusion. "Why would I be mad?" His question now caught you off guard as you snap up to look at him. His eyes soften once he notices a tear trailing down the swell of your cheek and down your chin.

"Because I just implied I'm holding you back."

"So why would I-" he starts then silences. "Do you think this is the most important thing to me?"

"Kinda yeah.."

"No," he lets out a small chuckle, a smile breaking out onto his lips. "you got it all wrong."

"How?" you whisper. "It's basically your dream."

"My dream? Football is dandy and all but it's not going to be here forever. My real dream is to be able to spend every moment with you. You're the most important thing to me. Don't think otherwise."

Chigiri Hyoma

when you tell him how you feel, he feels guilty and gets to the point where he almost starts crying with you.

he wants nothing more than to whisk you into his arms and calm you down and remove those awful thoughts away.

eventually, he's gonna need reassurance in the end since he feels he failed you as a boyfriend

"Are you holding back because you're worried about your leg? Or you don't want to go far because of me?"

That question caught him off guard when you guys were getting ready for bed. Never in his life had Chigiri thought that you would think something as silly as that. At least he never had a reason to think that, unless he gave you that impression.

Once that question was released into the air, it led to a discussion that ended with both of you crying. You were crying because you were apologizing for asking such and felt guilty for even thinking it. He was crying due to your crying.

He hated to see it. He wasn't an emotional guy, he was quite reserved for the most part. It was always guaranteed for him to cry when you did. It was like a trigger for him.

"I'm so sorry, my love. I never wanted to make you feel insecure. In fact, I'm supposed to do the opposite and make everything feel better."

“No, Hyoma, I’m sorry for asking that question. I don’t know what came over me to ask it but I’m sorry.”

His pink locks sway with the shake of his head. His hand brings the back of your head closer to his chest and suddenly you guys are starting to rock back and forth slowly.

“You have every right to be asking questions like that. Please don't apologize for asking. I'm not upset you asked it."

"Are you sure...?"

"yes darling," he whispers, his cheek pressing up against the crown of your head. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing to me?"

"Because I wish I never gave you that impression and wish you can see how much I can accomplish with you by my side. You're not going anywhere. I need you."

Nagi Seshiro

hearing the words come out of your mouth distracts him from his game which results in him turning it off and looking at you in disbelief

he wasn't sure if you meant it actually considering you knew how lazy he was to do anything but regardless, he gave you his full undivided attention

"you deserve better than me."

"There's no one I want. I want you."

you sign, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. "you're only saying that to make me feel better."

"Yeah that's kind of what I was going for, but I truly mean it. Believe me. I only want you." Nagi reaches for your hand, tugging you closer to his body. His hand trails down to your waist, giving a gentle squeeze.

"I don't want anyone else wearing my jersey and being my personal cheerleader. It makes me feel like I'm the best player in the world."

"You mean that...?"

"Mhm," he nods. "Without you, I don't know what I would be doing if I'm being honest. I'd probably be cooped up in my room and play games."

"You do that already..."

"Yeah, but this is different, honey. I'd be doing that alone and playing football. Doesn't that sound boring?"

"Well, I guess it does," you mumble, playing with the end of his shirt.

"What I'm trying to say is that there is no one else I want. There's no one who could replace you. You're my everything. I want to do all of those things, with you. Only you."

Itoshi Rin

at first, he doesn't know what to do.

what you're telling him reminds him of how he felt all those years ago with his brother. Unlike you, Rin's support system was no longer present and he wouldn't put you in that same position.

"I'm just confused where you got this feeling from. Am I neglecting you?"

"No, Rin. It's just when I met you, football was all you ever spoke about. Hell, it was practically your life and even after we got together you talked about it when we were alone. I just feel that you can't achieve what you want with me here..."

And there it was.

After his brother had left him behind all those years ago, it still affects him today. He never knew he dragged those feelings with him into your relationship.

No doubt Rin felt anger when his older brother left. He had some regrets and the majority of those regrets were not telling his brother how it made him feel.

Did Rin have to leave you behind in order to grasp his dreams?

Suddenly all those feelings long ago washed over him. Guilt, sadness, and anger welled up in his head to the point where he was even suffocating in his own thoughts.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, looking down at his lap. "I never realized I put those thoughts into your head."

"It's okay, Rin. I know you didn't mean it."

"No, it's not okay." He looks back up at you, eyes sadden at your sorrowful expression. He reaches for your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. "I know how you feel and it's awful. I never wanted you to feel the same way he made me feel."

"Rin..."

"I'm not him," he starts. "I don't want you to leave. I need you here with me. I want you at every game, wearing my jersey and screaming my name. You're my biggest supporter and I wouldn't change it for the world."

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justagalwhowrites · 4 months

Text

Yearling - Ch. 25: Balance

You and Joel prepare to leave Jackson. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-24 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Just angst because... it's me. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only

Length: 4.9k

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Joel was true to his word. It was two weeks before you saw him again.

Of course, you helped out a bit. You barely left the house, going to the stables and back and to grab food for the day from the mess hall when you knew it would be dead. Otherwise, you stayed home, usually drinking until you passed out and sobering up just enough to do your job effectively the next day.

But none of that stopped you from seeing Joel in everything.

The guitar glared at you from its spot in the corner of the living room. You wished Joel had kept it so it wasn’t haunting you. It was hard not playing it. Everything in your life that had ever hurt you or frustrated you or made you feel passionately in any way, you’d always worked out through music. But when you’d picked up the instrument for the first time since you’d left, holding it delicately and cautiously in your hands, all you felt was Joel. Sitting against him while playing or singing, writing music for him so the love you had for him was going somewhere instead of struggling to be contained within yourself, how it felt when it was him in your arms and not the guitar. You managed to play two chords before it felt like you were choking and you put it down again.

You weren’t sure what to do with any of what you were feeling, of the fear twisted up with longing and love that tangled with loathing.

It would have been easier if you’d never known. You wished you didn’t know. You’d never truly understood the term “ignorance is bliss” until now, you’d always preferred knowing things. Knowing had certainty to it, you liked to understand. Now, you longed for the time before, when Joel was so far from the worst things that had happened to you that you’d never link him to it at all.

It would be easier, too, if Joel had done something to you. You were mad and afraid and felt like you were about to fall apart and burst into tears at every second of every day and, in so many ways, you couldn’t put your finger on why. Because, really, nothing had changed. He’d always been that person, always been someone who, once upon a time, had been a raider. You’d loved that person. Still loved that person. He hadn’t done anything to you to make you afraid, hadn’t forced himself on you, hadn’t raised a hand or even his voice to you. Joel had been nothing but caring and loving. But you couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d done. How he’d have done it to you, too, back then.

You weren’t sure if the distance was helping or hurting. It hadn’t made you stop thinking about it. You knew what you were doing wasn’t healthy. You’d cut yourself off from not just Joel but the whole of the town. You’d come to implicitly trust the people here because you’d come to trust Joel. But if you couldn’t trust him to be what you thought, how could you trust anyone else here? Any of them could be someone who would hurt you and it was best to stay away from all of them.

Even Ellie had stayed away after your confrontation in Joel’s yard. You’d tried to talk to her once but she just glared at you before stalking off. It was two weeks before she spoke to you again, coming by the stables dressed to leave Jackson. You frowned, looking her up and down.

“Where are you running off to, kid?”

“What, stopped checking the patrol schedule, too?” She snapped. “I’m starting to go out in a few weeks, so I’m training today. With Joel. He asked me to get his horse, too.”

You just nodded and got Joel’s horse saddled up while Ellie worked on Shimmer, her shooting you glares every few minutes.

“You done the shooting test?” You asked, looking at her over the back of Sergeant. “Feeling good about it?”

“What, going to act like you care?” She muttered, strapping her bag to Shimmer.

“Of course I care,” you frowned. “Ellie…”

“Whatever, Bambi.”

She grabbed Sergeant’s reins from you and stalked off. You stayed late at the stable that night instead of handing the returns off to Olivia, hoping you’d get a chance to talk to her again when she got back to town.

You hadn’t expected Joel to also come into the stable.

He froze when he saw you there, your hands shoved into your pockets as you watched him carefully.

“Sorry,” he said after a moment. “Didn’t think… I figured it’d be Olivia… I can…”

“It’s fine,” you said quickly. He just nodded and started unsaddling his horse. You approached cautiously from the other side and started taking Sergeant’s bridle off. “How’d it go with Ellie?”

“Good,” he smiled a little. It looked like he hadn’t done that in a while. “She’s always been smart and capable, she’ll do a damn good job on patrol.”

“Infected better watch out for her,” you smiled a bit back.

Joel was quiet for a moment, focused on the horse, but you felt his eyes on you every few seconds.

“You doin’ OK?” He asked eventually. “Getting enough to eat, all that?”

“Sure,” you shrugged, glancing up at him. “You?”

“Fine,” he said quickly.

You nodded.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

The tack off, you started guiding Sergeant back to his stall, giving Joel a tight smile. He turned to leave but stopped near the door, looking back at you.

“Ellie keeps askin’…” he trailed off. “Think she wants someone to blame and I’ve tried telling her it’s my fault but she wants more of an explanation than that and…”

He sighed.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do,” you said after a moment. “But… stop blaming yourself for this, please. And please don’t try to make yourself the bad guy, it won’t help anything. You didn’t… neither of you did well when you were apart. Don’t try to give her a reason to be mad at you again.”

He nodded slowly.

“Don’t know what it’s OK to tell her,” he said, barely looking at you. “A lot of this ain’t my shit to tell, Sweetheart. I don’t want to hurt you, I really don’t, and…”

“I’ll leave it up to you,” you cut him off. “Tell her whatever you think needs to be told, it’s OK. I think we owe her some kind of explanation but please, don’t ask me to give it to her. If it hurts things between you two… I don’t think I could handle that right now. She’s your daughter, you know what she needs better than I do. I’ll be OK with it.”

He nodded slowly, looking you up and down, his eyes deep and gentle and in pain. You hated seeing him in pain.

“It’s good to see you,” he said. “Always good to see you.”

You weren’t sure what to say back. But he didn’t make you come up with anything, just giving you a small nod and heading out on his way.

Ellie came in not long after, steadfastly ignoring you as she got Shimmer out of her tack. You helped, staying on the other side of the horse from her as the two of you worked wordlessly in tandem.

“Joel said you did good,” you said eventually.

“Oh, so the two of you are talking now?” She snapped. “News to me.”

“I’m not surprised that you did good,” you said, ignoring her tone. “Something tells me you know your way around a rifle just fine and I know you’re good on a horse…”

“Are you ever going to tell me what the fuck happened?” She demanded, the blanket from Shimmer’s back draped over her arms. “Because I thought we were a family and…”

“We are family, Ellie.”

“Are we?” She asked. “Because I thought family told each other shit and you and Joel haven’t told me a fucking thing!”

“Ask Joel…”

“You think I haven’t?” She got in your face. “Because…”

“Ask him again,” you said gently. She opened her mouth to argue but you gave her a look and she was quiet. “We talked. Ask him again, he’ll tell you. Maybe give him a day but…”

“And, what, you can’t tell me?” She asked brows raised.

“He’s your dad, Kid,” you said. “Should hear it from him, not me.”

She looked at you, her jaw tense, and then stalked off. You signed, pressing your forehead to Shimmer’s neck.

“What am I going to do?” You asked her quietly. She huffed and you gave her a scratch before sighing again. “Yeah, I don’t know either.”

You got the horses settled before walking the long way back to your house. You passed Joel’s for the first time in weeks, the lights on in his front windows. Part of you wanted to go on his porch, knock on his door, and bask in the glow of it. You wanted to feel warm and safe and you remembered feeling that way in that space before. You just weren’t sure that you could now.

You went home and poured yourself a glass of whiskey instead.

You were starting to feel the liquor and had moved to the closet, tucking your legs under the blanket and leaning back against the wall, when there was a knock at your door. You frowned and set the whiskey down before going to find Ellie standing at your front door, her hands shoved tightly into the pockets of her jacket. You frowned and opened the door.

“Hey kiddo, what…”

She looked at you for a moment, eyes misty, before she threw her arms around your neck and more slammed into you than really hugged you. You caught her, anyway, holding on to her, loosely at first before holding her close.

“You OK?” You asked, running a hand up and down her back.

“Talked to Joel,” her voice was muffled by your shirt before she gave you a squeeze and pulled away from you. “He told me what happened…”

You froze for a moment and she squeezed you tighter.

“Want to come in?” You asked. She nodded and you stepped aside, letting her in.

You locked the door behind her and found her pacing your living room, her hands in the back pockets of her jeans this time. You watched her for a moment before she came to a stop, her avoiding looking directly at you for a moment.

“Want to talk about it?” You asked eventually.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She looked hurt. “I didn’t know about any of that, you never told me…”

“What did Joel say?” You asked gently.

Ellie looked away from you, tightening her jaw and you crossed your arms protectively over yourself.

“That you were held by raiders for years,” she said. You nodded slowly and she looked back at you. “He didn’t tell me details or shit but… I’m not an idiot, I can guess. But you didn’t tell me.”

You shrugged.

“Not exactly what I like talking about,” you said. “And you’re a kid.”

“I’m 18.”

“Yeah, a kid,” you repeated. “It’s not your job to look out for me, it’s my job to look out for you.”

“Joel said you found out about what he did before,” she said. You tightened your jaw but nodded. “It probably doesn’t help but he’s not a bad person, Bambi, he thinks he is but he’s not and…”

“I know he’s not,” you cut her off, even though there was a tightness in your chest at that. “I just… there are things I can’t handle right now and I can’t handle him. I wish I could, I really do but I can’t and…”

The pinch of tears threatened to spill over and you closed your eyes for a second.

“Hey.”

You opened your eyes again and looked at Ellie, a few tears falling anyway.

“I’m really sorry,” she said quietly. “For what they did to you. And that I… I was a dick and…”

You laughed a little.

“You weren’t a dick,” you said. “You were hurt, it’s OK.”

She just looked at you for a moment.

“Can I help?” She asked eventually.

“You can keep an eye on Joel,” you said quietly. “Make sure he’s taking care of himself…”

“I can do that,” she said. “But… can I stay here tonight?”

You frowned but she didn’t give you a chance to speak.

“I’m not like… picking sides or whatever…”

“I wouldn’t ask you to,” you said. “And even if you did, you should pick Joel.”

“I just would feel better sleeping over here,” she ignored you. “If that’s OK.”

You tried to keep from fully crying.

“Yeah,” you said, voice thick anyway. “Yeah, that’s OK.”

She curled up next to you and it reminded you so much of Savvy it made your heart ache. How, even as she got older, if she’d had a bad dream or just a bad day, she’d tuck herself against your body and you’d hold her close, a living, breathing reminder of why you fought so hard to live in the first place. Why all of this was worth it.

Things were easier once Ellie understood. You hadn’t fully realized how alone you’d felt without her. You’d told yourself that you were fine being by yourself - it had been just you and your daughter for so long, being without people seemed like it should be OK. But you’d been so alone that it had started to rot you from the inside out.

Losing Joel and Ellie the way you did had knocked you back almost to where you started in Jackson. You were jumpier than you’d been in months, body perpetually tense to the point of exhaustion. You’d steadily lost interest in doing much of anything, only going to the stables because your sense of obligation to the animals. The pull of the guitar and violin faded once it was clear that playing was more painful than not, to the point that you barely glanced at them anymore. The stereo was quiet. The books gathered dust and so did you.

It was Ellie that started tugging you back to life again.

You saw her briefly at the stable the next day and you were trying to figure out a way to spend more time with her when, the day after, she showed up at your door, her small fist pounding on the glass in her distinctly Ellie way.

“So I have a question,” she said, not bothering with any formalities as she pushed past you into your house. You laughed a little, feeling lighter with it. Ellie was still Ellie.

“About?” You asked, following her to your living room. She plunked her backpack down on the couch and started rifling through it until she found a CD case and held it out to you.

“Joel really likes that CD,” she said as you took it, ignoring the tightness in your stomach at the sound of his name.

“He does,” you said, looking at it. “Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Classic album, American Girl is one of those all time greats…”

“Right,” she said. “I want to learn how to play it.”

You looked up from the CD and raised your eyebrows at her.

“You want to learn a Mike Campbell guitar part.”

Ellie shrugged.

“I don’t know who the fuck that is but yes. I do. Can you teach me?”

You sighed a little.

“I’m not exactly a music teacher, kid,” you looked at the CD. “And I don’t think we’ve got the sheet music just lyin’ around…”

“Nope,” she said. “But can you do it?

“I mean….” You sighed again, thumb tracing the edge of the plastic case. “Yeah, I can figure out the chords from what I hear and then write that down but…”

“I think it’ll help,” she said.

“With?” You raised your brows at her.

“Joel.”

You nodded slowly, looking off in the direction of his house, a hollow ache in your chest alongside the thrum of fear up your spine.

“He’s not playing anymore,” Ellie said. “He’s not doing much of anything anymore. He’s doing his job and shit and he’s checking in on me and Tommy but that’s it. He’s not even giving me shit about the puns anymore and believe me, I’ve tried. But, I bet if I could play that? He’d play with me.”

You kept looking toward his house, even though you couldn’t see it. You didn’t want him to be hurting, didn’t want him to be alone. You might not be in a place to spend time with him but this you could do.

“OK,” you said, going to the stereo and putting the CD in before grabbing a notebook and a pencil. “Hope you like this song, kid, you’re going to be hearing it a lot.”

You sat on the couch, pressed play on the remote, and tried not to think about Joel.

***

“The best window is that soon?” Joel frowned down at his plate, more pushing the food around than really eating it.

“Think so,” Tommy said. “In two days, we’ll have all the patrols back, we’ll have a big enough window that we can afford to be down some horses, we’ve stayed above freezing long enough. This is the best shot you’re gonna get for the next month.”

Joel nodded and sighed. He hadn’t talked to you about this in a few weeks, going this soon felt like springing it on you. Not that he thought you wouldn’t want to go searching for your daughter the second you were able. You just wouldn’t want to do it with him.

“We’ll be ready,” Joel said.

“You ever gonna tell me what any of this shit has been about?” Tommy asked, brows raised. “You two are practically married one minute, not speaking the next, then lookin’ to leave town for weeks on end?”

Joel just shrugged. He didn’t feel like telling Tommy about it. He didn’t feel like telling anyone about it.

He’d explained it to Ellie and that had been hard enough, his stomach nauseatingly tight as he spoke to her. The whole time it felt like he was on the verge of losing his daughter again, the look of horror on her face speaking for itself. It shocked Joel when she hugged him and cried on his shirt, like she pitied him, too. He was half afraid that he wouldn’t see her anymore, that it would go back to how it was before you came to Jackson, when she left to find you. But she came back. She kept coming back, finding some excuse to see him every day. He wasn’t about to argue, even though he didn’t want her feeling responsible for his wellbeing. It meant he got to see her and she was always happy to supply news of how you were doing. It would be all but impossible for him to tell her that it was OK, she didn’t need to keep checking up on him, she could just live her life. He just added the guilt of that to everything else.

“Well, I hope you figure it out,” Tommy said when it was obvious Joel wasn’t going to add to the conversation. “And I hope she’s doing OK. One of you should be.”

Joel went by the stables on the way home, both hoping you were there but dreading the look on your face when you saw him. But the moment he saw you was a relief. Your back was to him but he was pretty sure he’d recognize just the top of your head if he saw you in a crowd you were so ingrained in him. You were brushing down a horse, speaking in your soft and gentle way to it. He closed his eyes for a moment, absorbing the sounds of you, before he awkwardly cleared his throat. You jumped and spun, brush clutched tight in your hand, eyes all wide and doe-like. You relaxed ever so slightly when you realized it was Joel.

“Sorry,” he said, lifting his hands to prove that he wasn’t a threat. God, he hoped you knew he was never a threat, not to you. “Wasn’t tryin’ to scare you…”

“It’s OK,” you said. “What… what do you need?”

You.

He didn’t say that.

“Talked to Tommy tonight,” he said. “Know it’s short notice but… sounds like us leavin’ in two days is going to be the best window. It’s been warm enough for the past two weeks they think it’s safe for us to go this month and that’s the best time with how patrols are set…”

You nodded slowly, not looking at him. He pressed on.

“We can wait…”

“No,” you said quickly. “No, I want to go as soon as we can, I can be ready, I can, I want…”

“OK,” he said gently, before you got too worked up. “OK, two days. We’ll go.”

You nodded again, quicker this time.

“I’ll meet you here that morning,” he said. Your eyes met his for the first time in what felt like an eternity. They were deep and soft and he wanted to drown in you so badly. “We’re going to find her, Bambi. You’re not on your own in this. We’ll bring her home.”

Your eyes got teary and you took a shaky breath.

“Thank you, Joel,” you said softly. He loved the sound of his name on your voice, even if it was thick and sad.

He went home, trying to figure out ways to make the next few weeks as easy on you as possible. Ellie came by and he told her that the two of you were going to be leaving Jackson, but only for a few weeks. He hadn’t told her about your daughter. He was able to explain what had happened between the two of you without that part of it and, if you’d wanted to keep her to yourself until now, he didn’t feel right telling Ellie about her. She seemed confused but took it better than he’d expected. He almost smiled at it. She really was different from the girl he’d brought here years ago, a girl who would have railed against being left out of anything at all. She’d grown into herself, grown more secure and confident. And into more of a smartass but that, given that it was Ellie, was to be expected.

When she left for the night, he did what he always did. He watched Ellie retreat to the little outbuilding in his yard - she’d slept at his house for a week after he’d brought you back, like she didn’t trust him to be on his own - and made himself a cup of tea. He never bothered to sit down to drink it, instead leaning against the kitchen counter and staring into space. He tried not to think about standing between your legs as you perched next to the stove, kissing you as your arms were around his neck and you smiled against his lips.

He went upstairs and got changed, brushed his teeth, stared at his bed for a moment. He wasn’t sure why he bothered, he couldn’t bring himself to even sit on it now, he knew better than to think he could rest there. He’d last been in that bed with you. He didn’t think he could handle being in it alone.

Instead, he went back downstairs and turned on the stereo, turning the lights out and making sure the volume was still down low. He made sure the tape was rewound before going to the couch and settling in, pressing play on the remote.

“Hey Joel.” He closed his eyes and tried to tune out the crackle of the tape so he could pretend you were there, close enough to touch. “I’ve kind of been wishing I was better with words since I’ve known you…”

He clung to the end of the tape, the soft comfort of your voice.

“Hope you know how much I love you. Because I do. Always will.”

He had no idea how he was going to survive traveling with you. But he would figure it out. He owed you that much, at least. He rewound the tape and started it over, doing it again and again until he drifted off to the sound of your voice.

You beat him to the stables the morning you were set to leave Jackson. You were wearing the shirt you’d been in when he first found you in the forest, your hair tightly braided to your head and your cowboy hat dangling down your back from the string at your neck. He was going to announce himself but you must have sensed him come in, looking over your shoulder at him. It didn’t look like you’d been sleeping much, dark circles heavy below your eyes, and he still wasn’t sure if you were actually eating. You seemed smaller and more fragile now. But it wasn’t his business to ask. You weren’t his business now. He wasn’t sure he’d ever abide by that.

“Morning,” he said, throat tight.

“Morning,” you gave him a nod. “I wasn’t sure who you’d want to take out so I haven’t started getting yours set up… I figured Sergeant or Ares but…”

“Ares, I think,” he said. He wanted to be on a horse you’d trained. It seemed right. “But I got it.”

You gave him a nod and focused on your horse again, looking his way every minute or so before your eyes darted away again.

“Ready?” He asked eventually.

“Yeah,” you replied, mounting up and squaring your jaw. “Let’s go.”

Joel let you set the pace, both to get out of town and once you were through the gates, riding into the rising sun.

It was different, being out of town with you like this. He’d become so accustomed to the easy cadence of patrolling with you that this was like a foreign land. You were tense, eyes darting, everything about you on high alert. He wasn’t sure if it was because you were looking for something - anything - that would you point you in the right direction or if it was because of him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“Bambi,” he said gently as the sun got high. It was the first word that either of you had spoken in hours. “Should think about taking a break for a bit, give the horses a rest, figure out where we want to get to tonight.”

“But…” you looked over at him, eyes wide and desperate for a moment before you sighed. “No, you’re right.”

“There’s a stream not far,” he nodded in the direction. “Stop there, give the horses a chance to get some water.”

You nodded and gave Joel room to take the lead.

He found a good place to rest by the water, both Renaissance and Ares bending to drink while you opened your pack. You found jerky and offered it to him, arm held far away from your body as you did. He took it, the tips of his fingers brushing against yours, making you flinch for a moment but you didn’t take your hand back.

“So,” Joel said after he couldn’t take the quiet anymore. “What… what have you been up to?”

You shrugged.

“Working with the fillies and the colt,” you said. “Hoping I can get them well broke pretty quick, just so we don’t end up in the same situation we were in last year before we can foal some more.”

Joel nodded.

“Anything outside of that?” He asked. “Playin’ anything good or…”

“Haven’t been playing,” you cut him off, staring straight at the water.

He frowned.

“Bambi…”

“Haven’t felt like it.”

He watched you for a moment, the tension in your neck and jaw, your fingers clenching and unclenching.

“You should play,” he said. You glared at him but he kept going. “You’re a musician, that’s part of who you are. You should… should try, at least.”

You looked at him for a moment.

“Yeah,” you said. “Maybe… Maybe I will.”

You picked the route to pursue after lunch and Joel had you take the lead again, happy to follow you wherever you wanted to go. The sky was starting to turn pink and orange when you stopped for the day, cutting into the trees off the closest thing there was to a beaten path. Not that they’d seen any signs of people or infected. If it were a patrol, he’d think it was lucky. But since they were looking for someone, not so much.

You rolled out your sleeping bag far from him, something that made his heart ache. He thought, for a moment, about inviting you closer, but decided against it.

“Goodnight, Joel,” you said.

He paused, surprised you’d said anything at all.

“Goodnight, Bambi.”

He watched you in the dim light of the moon filtering down through the leaves, knowing this was the closest he’d been to you in weeks but, somehow, never feeling further away.

Next Chapter

A/N: I am SO SO SORRY for the absolutely bonkers long wait between chapters on this, Besties. Between the time away for my trip back to my hometown for the first time in five years and playing hold catchup this week, I've just been underwater.

ANYWHO I don't know that this chapter was worth the wait? But It is setting up for some really big stuff happening the next few chapters.

Thank you thank you thank you for your patience and for reading and spending your time with me. I appreciate it more than you know!

Love you!

Taglist: @ashleymsnodgrass@planet-marz1@kalea-bane @juneswonderlust@ilovepedro @h-annahayy @starstruckmusiciansartghost@beccerjune@mumma-moonchild@netonetoneto@mellymbee@purplelye@n7cje@flugazi@evyiione@randomhoex@aliengirl99@orcasoul@reds-ramblings@pedropascalsbbg @fupoola @tinypotatothing @knopes-waffles @lilmizmoz @ayamenimthiriel@jenispunk@panda-pascal@sarap-77@flugazi@your-slutty-gf@daniegraceg@partyofone3413@cumberpegg@noisynightmarepoetry.@fifia-writes@grumpygrumperton @srmacaroni @txlady37 @bigboiseason123

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #yearling #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x oc

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thatsdemko · 11 months

Text

smooth operator - c.sainz

pairings: Carlos sainz x fem!reader

warnings: not intended for minors + angst

a/n: a short drabble/blurb for our smooth operator!!

《 the following content is not intended for minors. 》

A license to love, insurance to hold

Melts all your memories and change into gold

His eyes are like angels but his heart is cold

his heart doesn’t beat to the same rhythm as yours; love. the lust he gives and burning passion is all a nightly ritual, by morning time that’s faded with the stars. he’s a smooth operator.

his cock is the only thing that fits inside you, his love just fills the cracks. he’s a constant reminder that men are all the same. love is a game, and he’s down to play.

“more, amor. I need to hear you.” you can feel him in your core. tears brimming your eyes as you try to bat them away with your heavy mascara covered eyelashes, but nothing stops them from slipping.

your nails rake his tanned skin back. lips hovering over yours, his eyes are glued shut waiting for his name to burn the little hairs in his ears. he needs to hear you beg for it. he needs you to remind him why he’s here in the first place, why he’s skipped his family dinner for a silly little orgasm.

“c-carlos.” it croaks out from the back of your lungs, he can barely hear you over his own grunts and the burning around the tips of his ears. his big dull brown eyes flicker into yours and for a second, you crumble.

you remember why you were against the hotel mattress, wrists pinned to the sheets while his cock takes deep long strokes that itch your clit with a new found sensation that makes the nerves ready to combust. your body craves this, nobody else does it like Carlos sainz.

“carlos,” it comes out from you again, tears stream down your cheeks. the sound comes from your gut, it’s louder, but it’s not loud enough. he wants to hear it reflect off the walls, he wants to hear that lando called the front desk for a noise complaint.

“louder,” his tip nudges the bundle of nerves one more time and you can feel your body curl into him, the gasp of his name is loud. it fills the room, and finally he signals for you to come. body finally relaxing, you listen to the tension in your muscles, the ache in your groins, and the pain of your pussy.

you watch him slip from the bed, the belt that was casted aside was now slipping around his belt loops. once again, he flees the scene before you can say the words that have been held tight against your chest. the ones that’ll make him stop coming.

Coast to coast, LA to Chicago, western male

Across the north and south, to Key Largo, love for sale

Smooth operator

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sycamorelibrary754 · 7 months

Text

The Afterglow

Summary: You finally visit Natasha’s grave a year after she passed away. You don’t know what you expected to find or feel when you get there, but you want to feel something. Maybe Yelena does too.

Pairings: Natasha x reader, Yelena x reader (Platonic)

Genre: Angst, Comfort

Word Count: 918 words

Warnings: Grief, mentions of death.

A/N: I can't believe today is finally here. I wasn't planning on writing anything today, but I was listening to Afterglow by Ed Sheeran, and this came out. Lyrics from Afterglow are italicized. Credit to the writers of WandaVision for the final line. I miss Natasha Romanoff.

October used to be your favorite month. A million colors of hazel, golden, and red. Natasha would do anything and everything to make the fall season special for you. Lighting your favorite apple cinnamon-scented candle, attempting homemade hot chocolate for you, even indulging you in wearing matching fall sweaters when she was most definitely not a fluffy sweater person. You were both love drunk.

But that was then and this was now. It had been a year. Three hundred and sixty-five days without her strength, her protection, her vulnerability, her love. Since Natasha’s death, you couldn’t bring yourself to visit her grave. It was only a symbolic resting place, after all. Her physical form lost to the dark depths of Vormir. An incapacitating fact you never let yourself think about. You knew the remaining team had made the journey to Ohio. Moreover, even if she didn’t want to admit it, you knew Yelena had quietly bought a small house in Ohio just to be close to her sister again.

You decided it was time. You didn’t know what you expected to find or feel when you got there, but at this point, you just wanted to feel something. You didn’t tell anyone you were going, not wanting to hear everyone’s opinions. She was your love, and you were hers.

The flight was only a couple of hours, but it felt like a couple of days. Lost in your head and your memories that now reappear tinged with pain. You’re on autopilot in your mind, so you almost don’t notice when you pull up to an isolated dirt road and put the car in park. The fall leaves crunched under your boots as you made your way up the road, framed delicately by the surrounding trees. It was a pretty place, you admit to yourself. Simple, but beautiful. Just like Natasha would have wanted.

A small collection of headstones comes into view as you wind your way up the path. Rays of light danced upon the ground. It didn’t take you long to spot her headstone. Right in the center of everything, just as she always was. The only one lovingly blanketed in flowers, teddy bears, and handwritten notes. Natasha Romanoff. Daughter. Sister. Avenger.

You kneel in front of her headstone and run your hand over the cold stone. The only sounds are the distant chirping of the birds and the fluttering of the wind through the trees. So alone in love like the world had disappeared. For you it had. Your world had disappeared and was never coming back. You’re lost in a moment of solitary grief until a whistle cuts through the silence. You close your eyes and take a deep breath, not moving from your spot on the ground.

“I stopped expecting her to whistle back a couple of months ago”, a Russian voice said as it reaches your ears.

You stand up, not even bothering to look. You stare straight ahead as Yelena joins you in front of the headstone. “More people come to this place than you would think, considering how secluded it is”, Yelena says softly. I try to come a couple of times a week and clean up. Be with her, feel her. Wherever she is now.”

You don’t speak, only nod.

“I hoped you would come today. I thought about calling, but I didn’t want to intrude.”

“Honestly, I thought you were angry with me for not coming here sooner,” you finally respond.

“I could never be. Who am I to tell you how to process losing the love of your life?” she said as you stare up at the trees.

“It’s strange, you know. It always felt like Natasha and I lived life in glowing color and now I’m just existing in black and white”, your voice trailing off.

“We used to chase fireflies in the backyard when we were small. Melina taught us that the glow came from the chemical process of bioluminescence,” Yelena recalled.

“Forever the scientist,” you sighed.

“It's taken me my entire life to realize that the glow I was really chasing all that time was hers”, the young widow said.

You finally look over at Yelena. Her eyes shone with the radiance of unshed tears. You reach for her hand and feel the coolness of her rings as your fingers intertwine.

“I would give anything to have had more time with her. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make her proud”, she whispered.

“She was already proud of you, Yelena. She always will be”, you said with a shake in your voice.

Now Yelena is the one who nods silently.

“She loved you, y/n,” Yelena finally says after a moment of reflection. “You broke down the walls. Her entire life she believed love was for children. It wasn’t until you that she started to believe maybe love was for her too.”

“I loved her too… I always will,” tears started to flow silently down your cheeks.

“She burned so bright. We have to hold on to the afterglow. Forever.” Yelena declares as she squeezes your hand.

That broke you. You embrace each other in a hug as you cry together. Neither of you have to say anything. The action spoke a thousand words. Words of grief, words of love. Everything you had been holding on to for the last year. At last, you finally felt something. What is grief, if not love persevering?

#natasha romanoff x reader #yelena boleva x reader #black widow #mcu #the avengers #angst #grief #comfort #Spotify #natasha romanoff #yelena boleva

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scarlethexelove · 2 days

Note

can you please write Y/N and Wanda also Natasha is not dead here (up to you thooooo) , and Y/N pretty much replaced Vision. But before these events Natasha has always been there for Wanda, (after Endgame) so she didn’t make a hex but still griefed about Y/N and Wanda making a big move for Y/N’s reincarnation but in a good way. After Y/N being back from the dead. She learns that her soon to be wife has already fallen for Natasha and her reincarnation just meant nothing and Y/N didn’t go on with her life and ended it just there.

Wands regretted everything until she lost herself and made a big mess with the universe (pretty much MoM) and overall Wanda regretting everything, and when she gets us back (it can be Wanda taking another one of us in an another universe) or her just making us alive from the dead *this all can be up to you author*

I love your stories 🖤

I'm Sorry

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word Count: 3590

Warnings: Cheating (Allusions to it but really it is there), Angst, Major character death, Mentions of Murdering innocent people, Angry Wanda, Suicide by others, Not really a happy ending, tiny bit of fluff like very little.

A/n: This one was fun. I hope I did it justice. I may have changed a little bit of it but I hope you still like it.

NO ONE IS PERMITTED TO STEAL, COPY, OR REBLOG MY WORK AS THEIR OWN

Everything hurts. You have a splitting headache and it feels like you got run over by a MACK truck. Your face scrunches up in pain, the lights too bright even with your eyes closed. Sensory overload has you curling in on yourself. Hands come up to clamp on your ears when you hear a voice, but it’s so loud and muffled that you don’t even know who is talking to you. All you want is for all of it to stop. You had been an experiment but that experience doesn’t compare to what you are feeling right now.

“Nat turn the lights off.” Wanda orders the older woman in the room. Nat flicks the light off as she watches Wanda brush some hairs back. You let out a whimper at the contact. It breaks her heart seeing you like this. When her hand brushes against your skin she can feel you. She feels your pain. Red whisps leave her fingers slowly seeping into your skin. Soon enough the pain starts to dissipate.

Wanda crawls in the bed behind you wrapping herself around your frame. You feel a body pressed against yours and you immediately know who it is. “Wanda.” You whisper. You turn around in her hold and nuzzle into her neck. “I’m here sweetheart.” Wanda combs her fingers through your hair. You're so tired and she feels like home. You fight to stay awake but her ministrations have your eyes closing. “It’s ok detka get some rest.” Wanda whispers and kisses the top of your head. You finally let yourself drift off to sleep.

A little over 5 years ago the team was fighting Thanos. Your powers let you see brief points into the future. You saw that if you died that Wanda would be safe. Thanos needed you gone to get what he wants but you also saw that in the end the Avengers would win. The event that sets that in motion was your death. So as much as it pained you you let it happen. To save Wanda, to save the world. Wanda could move on but the fate of the universe was in your hands.

“Wanda.” Nat says softly from the corner of the room. She looks at you curled into Wanda’s arms. A sight she had hoped to never see again. “Natty, she needs this.” Wanda says softly, still stroking your hair as you sleep. Nat just nods. It hurts but she knows it is something that Wanda had to do.

Your mind races. Your dreams are of your last memories. The fight with Thanos and how you let him kill you just in order to save everyone else. Your body shoots straight up as your chest heaves from the memories. You feel a hand rubbing up and down your back but you haven’t quite gained control. You mind questioning how you are here. Why are you alive? You should be dead. That was all your mind could see and you had accepted that fact but here you are. Tears stream down your face. “Why?” You're not sure what you are asking, who you are asking the question of. You feel so small. “Why what detka?” Wanda asks you with concern on her face. “Why am I here? I should be dead.” Your voice breaks and Wanda’s heart hurts seeing you like this.

Wanda starts explaining everything that had happened while you were gone. Excluding some details. They had worked tirelessly to bring back those that were snapped away. Wanda and Nat become the de facto leaders of the Avengers. It took 5 years but they finally did. Once that was done they set out to bring you back. It took some time but somehow when Bruce had snapped his fingers he was able to bring you back. But somehow you ended up in a pocket universe in a deep sleep. They were finally able to get you back safely. All the information flooding into your mind is a lot to handle but eventually you understand. Somehow the universe had different plans for you.

It’s been a few months since you came back. Most things are the same but something seems off. Wanda hasn’t been as loving towards you. Before she was always so touchy and wanting nothing more than to crawl under the sheets cuddling while watching some sitcoms. But now she barely even gives you a hug. Sleeping in the same bed has you feeling like she isn’t even there. She is a million miles away even if she is only right beside you. Your heart hurts not understanding, is she still mad at you for letting Thanos kill you. Anytime you try to talk to her she just brushes you off and says nothing is wrong. So you're left alone to your thoughts and worries.

Nat had moved into your shared home while you were away. The two women grew closer at the loss of so many others. You want to be angry and jealous that Nat gets more attention than you but you still trust Wanda hoping that she will come around eventually.

You’re walking towards the kitchen when you can hear a hushed discussion between Wanda and Nat. You stop just shy of the door frame listening in when you hear your name mentioned. “Wanda you need to tell Y/n.” Nat says her body leaning on the counter and arms crossed against her chest. “Tell her what Nat?” Wanda counters. She sits at the table with a sad look adorning her face. “You know what Wands.” Wanda lets out a sigh. “I can’t do that to her Nat.” Wanda’s voice is low. “You can’t keep lying to her. You can’t keep lying to me. I love you Wanda.” There is a pause in the conversation before Wanda speaks up. “I love you too.” Your heart drops the moment the words spill from Wanda’s mouth.

You’re quick to turn on your heels as the tears start to stream down your face. Holding in a sob as it all makes sense now. In your absence the two had fallen in love. You’ve somehow become the other woman in Wanda’s life. You don’t know how you didn’t see this coming. Your powers should have felt this but they hadn’t and now you’re left heartbroken. You push into your shared room focusing on pulling yourself back together. You can’t let them know that you know until you figure out what to do.

The buzzing of your phone pulls you out of your despair for the moment. You see Fury’s name flash on the screen. You quickly wipe your tears and answer the phone. “Sir.” You say masking the waver in your voice. “Y/l/n I have a mission for you. Since you have been cleared for duty I would like you to head out tonight with Barton and Barnes. I have sent over the reports for you to go over. Good luck out there and glad to have you back.” The phone line goes dead as the man hangs up the phone. You open the report sent to your phone. You now see the flashes in your mind of how the mission will go. And that is where you see it. What you’re going to do.

That night you enter the Quinjet greeted by the two men. Hugs and joy at your return. Your powers are always a significant help to missions. You three go over the plans for the mission. You lay out what you had seen in your vision, excluding one crucial part that the men don’t need to know. You know if they did they would try and stop you. But your heart aches and you put on a fake smile so that no one would expect a thing.

Everything was set to go. A long message meant to play for Wanda after it was already too late. This would be your last mission. Wanda and Nat would have all that they could ever want. You wouldn’t be the burden that you know you are. They should have just left you dead if they were going to do this to you. So you made that decision for them. You weren’t going to come back from this mission alive.

The mission was going perfectly. Playing out exactly as you had seen it. Bucky and Clint were together and far away from you. You snuck into the building off the side. It held some hostages that had been taken by Hydra. You snuck in taking out every agent that you passed. It didn’t take long for you to make it to the hostages. You were able to release them from their binds and get them out of the building safely. But you knew it wasn’t over yet. Bucky and Clint were waiting exactly where you told them too. Having each hostage run towards them for safety while you stood with your back towards the open area.

You waited knowing what was to come soon. You could change the outcome but you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to be in a world where Wanda loved someone else. You waited with bated breath as the last hostage ran towards your teammates. You exhale the air in your lungs before a sharp pain in your stomach is felt. You grit your teeth turning around firing off a few rounds, but you're hit with another round to the shoulder. You can hear the muffled sounds of Bucky and Clint calling out for you but you push through. Another shot to the leg sends you kneeling on the ground. You push through the pain as you stand. A few steps forward as you unload your mag into the man. Another man appears with his finger on the trigger of his gun. You watch as an arrow sores through the air and hits the man directly in the chest. His finger squeezes the trigger as he falls. You’re hit with the array of bullets. Your body sways before falling to your knees then falling to the ground. The ground below you stains red as your body goes cold.

Wanda felt a change in the universe. She cries out causing Nat to panic next to her. Wanda clutches her chest in pain. She felt this twice before. Once when Pietro died, the second when you died fighting Thanos. She had never wanted to feel that pain again but here she is feeling it. The world stops turning at that moment. Not again she thinks tears streaming down her face.

The doorbell rings but Wanda doesn’t hear it. Nat tries to console the younger woman pleading for her to tell her what is going on. It continues to ring when no one answers until Nat gets up and finds out what is going on. Wanda sits sobbing on the couch. Nat walks back in with a folded paper with your hand writing on it. Wanda scribbled on the top.

Wanda sees this snatching the paper from her hands and quickly opening it before reading the words delicately written across the page.

My dearest Wanda,

You’re reading this because I’m gone. I’m sorry to do this to you

but I can’t live life like this. I know that you no longer love me.

I see the way you look at Natasha and I know she is now

the love of your life. I want you to be happy. I saw this coming

and I could have changed it but who am I to keep you from the

one you love. Don’t mourn for me, just live your life. You don’t

have to worry about me anymore and you can be happy, that

is all I have ever wanted for you. But my love I can’t live in

a world where you love someone else. So this is goodbye.

Love,

Y/N

Tears hit the paper blurring the words in front of her. Wanda’s heart shatters into a million pieces. How could this have happened? How could she have thrown away all that you two have? She is absolutely disgusted with herself and with Nat. This isn’t how it was supposed to go but she was blinded and now her eyes are finally open but now it could be too late.

Through the tears Wanda gets up making her way out the door and immediately taking off towards the compound. Her magic lifts her into the sky as she flies as fast as she possibly can to the one place she knows you would be. Praying that maybe it was all wrong, maybe you can be saved. Nat calls out for her as she leaves her alone standing in the yard.

The ground cracks below Wanda’s feet as she lands hard on the ground. Anger and guilt pumping through her veins as she walks towards the building. Her magic slamming doors open as she makes her way to the med bay. Your body is already lying there. Bucky and Clint talking outside the room. Windows lining the wall as they keep looking back at your body. Wondering what they would tell the angry redhead but they didn’t have to wait too long. They spot Wanda fear and sorrow on their faces. “Wanda we can -” Clint is cut off. “Save it.”

Wanda makes her way into the room. The boys walked away looking like kicked puppies. Wanda’s breath picks up as she sees your still body encased in a black bag. The top half of it unzipped revealing your pale skin and blood staining your suit. You look so peaceful like you could be sleeping. Wanda cups your cheek, a light jerk of her hand when she feels how cold you are. She lets her magic slip out the ends of her fingers going into your head. Fresh tears streaming down her face. “I can’t feel you.” A sob wracking her body. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry love you never deserved any of this.”

Wanda silently sobs as she sits next to you. Your hand in hers as she just stares blankly at your body. The door clicks open a while later. Wanda doesn’t turn to look. “Go away.” Her voice is hoarse from all the crying but she doesn’t care. “Wands.” Nat whispers. “I said leave.” Wanda’s voice raises as her head snaps towards the door red swirling in her eyes. Nat knows she is just upset so she doesn’t back down. “Detka.” She whispers. “Don’t you dare detka me.” Wanda stands letting your hand drop off the side of the bed. “This is all your fault. She is fucking dead because of you.” Wanda seethes. “Don’t put that blame on me Wanda. You're just as much the problem.” Wanda stalks towards Nat red surrounding her body and slamming her into the window, a crack forming behind her body. “Don’t you fucking dare blame me. It should have been you. You should have died back then. I would still have her. She is more of a woman than you will ever be. I let myself be blinded by you. Blinded by the love you gave but I didn’t love you. I don’t fucking love you.” As hard as Nat can be, Wanda's words cut deep. Tears shine in her eyes as she holds back a sob. Wanda sends Nat’s body flying through walls until she lands outside. Wanda follows as she does so. Releasing Nat’s body which is now battered and bruised. She then flies off into the night.

It’s been months since anyone has seen Wanda, held up in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains. Some have tried but they always get blasted out so they stopped trying. She has been lost to the Avengers and they aren’t sure they could ever get her back. The day they lost you they also lost her.

Wanda’s black tipped fingers comb through a book. A very dangerous book. The more she searches the darkness in her soul grows and the blacked tips grow. She has tried everything in the book to bring you back to life but none of it works. She had another attempt today, something new, something hopeful but it ends with a magical outburst throwing everything in the cabin. She continues to comb through the pages ignoring the disarray around her. She closes her eyes and lets her magic do the work. It’s not long before she finds something new. She thought she had seen all that this book had to offer. All that the Darkhold had to offer to the Scarlet Witch.

You are sitting in your living room, two small boys cuddled into each of your sides as you watch a movie. Empty bowls of ice cream sitting on the coffee table that you have your feet propped up on. You laugh as your son Tommy tries to mimic you. You other son Billy giggling along. Tommy huffs and crosses his arms. “Not funny.” He mumbles. You can’t help but ruffle his hair which makes him swat at your hand causing you to chuckle. “One day buddy you will reach it.” You kiss the top of his head. All of you falling back into the silence, the only sound is the movie playing.

Your mind flashes to a vision of Wanda but not your Wanda standing in the middle of your living room. Her face twisted into something you can’t even imagine in your wildest dreams from the woman you loved. The pain that she has caused to get to this point. As your world comes back to you you are met with a star shaped portal in the middle of your living room. What was once an image in your head now in front of you.

Wanda’s hand wraps around the young girl's throat in front of you. “What did you do?” She seethes. The two boys next to you are terrified. You quickly stand and tell them to run but Wanda’s head snaps towards you. The couch you were once on is now thrown at the stairs blocking the way. You push your boys behind you in a protective manner. Wanda’s eyes trailing the boys curiously, a small warm spot forming in her heart seeing your protective nature. She didn’t expect to find you with kids but she always wanted a family with you so it can’t hurt.

“Wanda!” You yell at her. Wanda is startled by the anger in your voice. You have never yelled at her like that. “Let the girl go.” You demand of her. Her hand slips from the girl's neck as she coughs on the ground holding her throat. Wanda starts stalking towards you but you back up with your boys behind you.

Billy tugs on your shirt a little trying to get your attention and you quickly look back at him. “Is that Mama?” His voice sounds so small. Your attention quickly turns back to the woman in front of you who has stopped. You can see tears in her eyes at Billy’s words. “That is not your Mama.” You shake your head. You can see the hurt on Wanda’s face as she gets closer to you. “I can be.” She says a crack in her voice.

You start to walk towards the woman but your boys try to stop you. You motion that you will be ok as you stand in front of Wanda. “You could never be my Wanda.” She falls to her knees, her hand on her chest as she looks up at you. “I can see your hurt and your pain but you have caused so much more and for what.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I did it for you.” She whispers. “I would never want you to do this for me. Wanda you murdered people. Good people.” Wanda stands back up and moves towards you, her hand reaching out to cup your cheek. You back up away from her touch. “I wanted you back.” You scoff and shake your head. “After seeing what you did I could never want you. I miss my Wanda but you are not her and could never be.”

Wanda’s face twists in anger. You try to back up again but she is quicker this time. She grabs your wrist in her hands. “Wanda that hurts.” You whimper as she digs her nails in. “Too bad. I’ll make you love me just you see. Now that I have you back I will never let you go again.” There is a panic that rises in you. “We will have the perfect little family.” She looks behind you. “Won’t we boys?” They are too scared to say or do anything just holding onto each other for comfort.

Wanda keeps one hand on you as she turns around. Her wrist flicking as America is thrown back through the portal. It dissipates from the middle of the room before she turns back to you. You struggle to get free but she is stronger than you remember. She clicks her tongue and looks at you, her hand finally reaching to cup your cheek. Red whisps leave her fingers as they sink into your mind. “All mine now.” She replaces every memory and thought of your Wanda with her. Changes the fear to love. You’re hers now and no one will change that. Her magic soon flowed into the boys having the perfect little family. She would tear the world in two to keep you and the boys forever.

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