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never-not-ever · 5 months

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Last update was about a week ago. Sometimes I feel like what’s the point in posting these but then I remember how down the road I like looking back and rereading these. Although sometimes it’s triggering, but other times it’s like damn I’ve come far from that dark place.

I still journal and actually just wrote up an entry. It was a long one and I guess I can just use that to look back on but it’s easier and faster to type.

So that week were my doctor put me on that 3-11 1:1 I was on it for 3 days, Tues-Thurs. I came off it Friday and it was my doctors last day before her 2-fucking-week vacation. She’s back the day after Christmas and I wonder if I’ll still be here.

This past week I had this covering doctor who is a lot. He’s annoying in the sense that he interrupts me, writes up things in my notes like “feels tired this morning, doesn't think it's the trazodone this morning, but is worried that trazodone can / did make her tired this morning (self-contradicts herself)” and “inconsistency in statements” like so what if I said I didn’t think it made me tired but maybe now that I think of it maybe it did? And then that inconsistency thing is cause I said that I wouldn’t kill my self when I discharge cause I don’t want to hurt my grandmother like that and he said “well aren’t you hurting her by being in here and hurting yourself?”…

I miss my old doctor and now my social worker is out on vacation this week. I mean as annoying as this new doctor is he is somewhat helpful cause he’s all about problem solving and skills. Wait.. am I just contradicting myself again…

This past week he said some comments how my self harm is less severe cause I was punching the ground and not cutting my skin open. He also said on Monday “let’s be honest you’re probably going to hurt yourself later, so let’s focus on going to staff beforehand”. That part pissed me off, like don’t take away my control, don’t decide for me. I make the decision not you. And then that “less severe” comment pushed me over the edge and I ended up doing the later instead of punching the ground. Don’t get me wrong, I take full accountability of my actions. I am not blaming anyone for “well that’s why I self harmed”. No. Peoples words effect my thoughts and urges but ultimately it’s my choice to self harm or not and it’s no one’s fault but my own.

So because of the “later” he reinstated that 3-11 1:1 this past Thursday with the plan to keep it through the weekend. Every week for the past few weeks I keep saying I want to leave this week. On Monday, when I first met with him I asked “can I leave this Friday” and he replied that it “was possible but let’s see how the week goes”. Then I landed myself on that 1:1 so obviously I didn’t leave yesterday.

But during my team meeting yesterday I brought this brilliant idea to the table. I said to them how, as it’s been said multiple times, I’m just going in circles. I self harm, get put back on a 1:1, think “well it’s not that bad at least it’s not 24 hours”, stop self harming to get off it, last a few days, self harm again and then the cycle repeats itself. I hate that I have to say this but ultimately a 24 hour 1:1 is the thing that will prevent me from ever self harming again in here (well maybe… and I’ll get to that part later). Especially since my social worker said that the next 1:1 will be all belongings taken away. So my idea was take me off this 3-11 1:1 and I’ll know that if I self harm again I’ll go right back on it and 24 hours. He liked this plan and asked me how long the 24 hour 1:1 would be and k said I don’t know, it doesn’t matter cause it’s not going to happen. He still wanted me to give an answer and so I said a week. And to make sure I’m not being sneaky and self harming but not telling staff I said I will do arm checks each night to prove it. Even though it was my idea I hated it but I know it’ll prevent me from doing anything.

Now the maybe part- which I just thought of today… Wait, I did end up getting my idea approved so no more 1:1. And also I told them how I wanted to start proving to them I can be safe because if I get covid I want to be able to say “look at all these days I’ve been self harm free, now let me discharge now because I am NOT isolating myself after I just started being social”. There’s been two cases of covid this past week. We all tested again this morning. I’ll get my results tonight and I swear to god if it’s positive I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Back to that “maybe” part. I was thinking earlier how if the people I’m social with were to discharge before me there would be no reason to care about going back on the 1:1 which sounds horrible but like I said, I’ve been more social and it’s been great but like I still feel incredibly hopeless about my future. I still know that the self harm and drinking is going to start right back up when I get home, my SI is getting worse even though I’m swearing I won’t do anything. Like it’s not enough to keep me here especially if the self harm stops. Then again my reasoning to not self harm is to be able to discharge asap if I test positive. Not really to continue to be social. Ughh I feel like I’m making no sense and maybe this covering doctor is right and I’m just self contradicting myself…

My roommate discharged last Wednesday and I miss her so much but I still have this other girl that I’m close with here. We have a group chat and once we leave we’re all planning to hang out. Then there’s this guy… oh god.. I don’t even know where to begin or how much to share. He’s been here a week and I think we started including him in our card games his first night. He was and still is so mysterious. If looks could kill… That first night I started giving sarcasm right back to him and my two friends here said in the group chat that they think he likes me. I didn’t believe it cause 1) I’m gross looking and 2) who the fuck would like me? The next night he asked me how long I’ve liked girls for and I told him my coming out/sexuality changing rollercoaster. Came out in Jan 2017, didn’t want to label myself, just liked people. Then a few months later was like ugh guys are disgusting. Now that I’ve broken up with my ex I’m questioning myself and who the fuck knows. Him asking that made me wonder why he cares and my friends continued to come up with confirming reasons that he likes me. Which is so bizarre to me because it’s been so long since anyone’s showed interest in me. Maybe cause I’ve just made work my entire life and had no social life at all.

So since then there’s been lots of flirting and sarcasm fights. This guy he hangs out with keeps saying he can see the chemistry between us. He didn’t say those words but he speaks Spanish, very little English and the way he tries to insinuate that there’s something between us is hilarious. I actually love playing cards with him he’s so fucking funny.

So last night a bunch of us were playing cards. We’re sarcastically fighting like usual and this lady who’s doing a puzzle says that we fight like a married couple.. So he said how more people are starting to catch on and he’s right. Then my absolute favorite nurse walks into the dining room right as I call him an asshole. I told her that he’s mean and deserves it. That lady tells the nurse how we fight like a married couple and she agreed and I thought the nurse said “I thought you were less mean” to which I replied “you thought I was less mean???” Cause she knows me well enough by now. BUT she really said “I thought you were a lesbian”. There was my opportunity to start a cover story. So I told her “I am a lesbian, just a mean lesbian” and she started dying laughing. Then I told him “you know I’m not a lesbian, I’m mean clearly I’m not a lesbian”. I’m not going to go into the reasons why he knows I’m definitely not just into girls but I will say this has been my most interesting, risky, fun/thrilling inpatient stay I’ve ever had…

And that about covers it and brings me up to speed.

#personal #inpatient #tw self harm #trigger warning self harm

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mental-mario · 7 months

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Binge Eating and Kirby

Let me know in the comments if any of this resonates with you! The other night was a weird night of sleep for me. I felt drowsy at 6pm, slept until 9pm, then got up and ate two boxes of cereal before going back to sleep again. When I told my psych about this, he asked if I was referring to the travel sized boxes of cereal. I was not. I also had a half gallon of milk, because what is cereal without milk, and just to make sure it really got washed down good, I had a tall glass of chocolate milk on the side.

In response to this, my psych suggested I mindfully don't eat two boxes of cereal at that hour. Thanks, genius! Why didn't I think of that??! I do think he's getting frustrated with me because his host of meds aren't working at all. He should probably refer me out since he seems to be in over his head.

Anyway, last night I tossed and turned in bed until midnight and couldn't sleep. Even after taking trazodone, it had no effect. So naturally I got up and went to the living room to pace the floor and pop the TV on. In an attempt to be healthier, I ate 2 yogurts and finished off the chocolate milk. Whole Foods apparently has really good chocolate milk.

Shortly after finishing the yogurts, my wife comes out to grab me by the ear and drag me back to bed. Still couldn't sleep, but my wife told me to meditate. So I tried, and then I tossed and turned some more until finally sleeping some I think at around 4am.

My weight has always yo-yo'd because I'll binge but then I'll also go stretches where I eat little to nothing. My weight as a result goes up and down significantly. I struggle to stick with any kind of exercise. My therapist suggested walking in my condo, so I did that and sat down after. Surprisingly, I didn't lose any weight the next day.

I have low energy to begin with, but now the eating is impacting my physical health more as I'm getting older. My blood pressure is elevated, which was never a thing for me. My cholesterol is very high, and my LDL is so high that they're worried I may have a stroke. So I'll try to get this in order, first by binging on healthier foods, and then probably by not eating at all.

Kirby is one of my heroes when it comes to binging. Yoshi too of course, but for me Kirby came first. I could relate to Kirby. He eats a ton, is squishy, adorable, and will sometimes fall asleep in the middle of a task. Like Kirby, I often feel like I'm gonna float away after eating myself into a bloated stupor.

My favorite Kirby is Kirby's Adventure on NES. That game is still fun to play, and I love using the old NES controller with it! Smashing Kirby around in Super Smash Bros. is always a good time too!

Which Kirby is your favorite? What are your binge eating guilty pleasures? Comment below and please tip your blogger! *shakes cup*

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mentally-illenial · 2 years

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Still aliiiiiive lol

Been working and sleeping. Works been good; the business is owned and run by totally inexperienced maniacs and is a tangled net of constant chaos, but it's just like old times lol, and I love slinging coffee. So it's been good.

I've been weaning myself off of my SSRI. It fucking suuuuuucks. I'm feeling sick and dizzy all the time. But I'm officially no longer taking any more Zoloft! My husband, doctor, and I all agreed that I'm in a much more stable and healthy place than when I started the antidepressants, and that this venture is worth a try. I'm still taking some more mild meds: trazodone and buspirone, in small doses. But it feels good personally to be able to let go of my heavily medicated side, you know? I was taking a high dose of Zoloft. I think it was having a hard effect on my body. I'm grateful for the time I had with it and how it helped me reach stability, but I'm also looking forward to making more stability on my own skill.

We get the kids for the holiday, and we're picking them up tomorrow. Next week, we're all driving up to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with the inlaws. I think it will be a good time, and I'm hoping I'm feeling better by then.

I also hope that you are all doing well, and that November has been kind to you. Thanks for sticking around while I'm still sorting things out; I promise I'll get back to my regular shit posting self soon ❤️ also @fatmaninalittlesuit hey hi I love your guts

#me #personal fitblr #medication #tw #mental health #fitblr #health & fitness #healthblr #fitspo #self care #self improvement #self love

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raymondvelez · 1 year

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MACHO MAN

Sleeping through the night hasn’t been as easy as it once was. Candace always sleeps on my chest like it’s a pillow, so I can read the time from her grandmother’s Movado with ease because she rests her fist by her face like a child does when they’ve finally drifted off. I keep waking up at the same time every night. Too early to wake up for work but too late to take anymore trazodone because that stuff is potent.

I could feel my heart racing and it was difficult to slow my breathing down because my girlfriend’s head was pressing hard against my lungs.

It was a routine panic attack. I’ve been experiencing many of these lately. Mainly during the day, but they were now happening frequently at night. Especially if I slept over Candace’s house for some reason.

I contemplated pushing Candace off me gently so I could lock myself in the bathroom and suffer in silence so not to wake up my girlfriend. But I quickly vetoed that idea when Jacky’s voice popped in my head.

“I need you to be strong for me, for once.”

I pointed my vision down at Candace. I had never seen her sleep so soundly. I couldn’t wake her up with my gasping for air for the second night in a row. Nope. Not this time. Not anymore if I could help it. I laid there; still balancing Candace’s head on a chest that I wish I had puffed up for the people I loved more often.

#prose #poetry #flash fiction #fiction #journalism #journalist #Author #short stories #short story #short poem

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glittergutts · 1 year

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It's 4 am and I'm still awake from 2. I took my trazodone and everything but it didn't help. I guess I shouldn't be drinking coffee/protein drink but it helps calm my stomach to not be empty. That message left me feeling weird 😕 my back started stress spasms so I took muscle relaxers and those usually make me sleepy after about an hour. I have to get up on time to shower because we all drop Ellie off at school together on Mondays. I've been lacking a good morning routine so I'm trying to start one this week and see if it helps me feel better about myself. Hopefully it helps me get better at brushing my teeth and taking my medication in the morning.

I can't wait for the morning. I get to be with Chris today and he helps with homeschool and that's so nice. I get so lonely at night sometimes. I want to clean my house and get ready for Christmas. I'm going to order a wreath for the front door we can keep up all winter, just something green I guess. I also want to get a ginger bread house kit for the kiddos they would have fun with that and it would be nice to look at on the table. We all wore our matching Christmas pj pants yesterday and it was cute.

I just want to snuggle my puppy but he's sleeping in the crate. So I'm going to find a nice fidget toy to soothe my anxiety and maybe fill up the oil diffuser with orange oil. Hopefully I can get some rest eventually.

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dearunknown · 1 year

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05/27-28/23 (late night saturday, actually early sunday)

Dear Unknown,

Just got back from the DJ set. I did horribly. I feel so embarrassed I could die. I wish I’d gone to the hospital instead of honoring a commitment. Oh, well. Ezra and I left very quickly. I made us leave very quickly. I want to cry but am too ashamed to cry over something so miserable and stupid. Plus I don’t want anyone’s comfort. I don’t want a kind word or a kind touch from Ezra. Even Caro… well, I’d let Caro do anything to me.

As soon as I got home, I tore off my wristband (yellow) and wrote on it in black sharpie MY LAST DJ SET - 12 AM-1 AM 5/27-28, 2023 WORK.SHOP and put it at a perfect spot so that every morning almost inevitably upon waking up I will be reminded of my laziness, inadequacy, stupidity, vanity, — my weaknesses— and be reminded that I should never try for anything ever, ever again. I should take all my ambitions, all my desires, and shove them away. Nothing is ever going to happen for me. Nothing. The fact that I have a poor-paying but basically respectable job only serves to highlight the absurdity of my life. I want to let myself lose. I want to let myself lose control. I’m over it. I’m over my life. The wanton optimism of my 29 is putrid. It was rotten on the vine. I am a bad, weak, stupid person. I will not make it. I will not break out of my life. Continue living as a hollow vessel, or hang myself. The distinction is completely irrelevant. If I’m alive, that’s just a biological fact. I am the ancient mariner, my albatross is this horrible life I’ve made for myself. My soul is in complete squalor. I am less than anything. I am sorry to darken anyone’s doorstep. When Caro moves to New York, I will throw myself completely to drunkenness and desolate emptiness. I will probably stop taking any ADHD meds this summer, and my antidepressants after Caro leaves. I will be so contemptible and broken. Every day of drinking I will finish with my usual melange of klonopin and trazodone. One day might heart might feel slow enough I can feel it’s loss of feeling.

Today I talked to Nikolai on the phone. He made me promise to give Ezra my credit cards. He also told me to do the same with my alcohol, but I’m not doing that.

I hope tomorrow I feel horrible. I hope the next day, I feel worse. I hope every day becomes more of a curse than the last. In the end, my one heroism will be that I endured for so long.

I will accomplish nothing. I cannot be loved except for the mirages I put up of myself. I should withdraw from anyone who I am not forced to associate with. I will lavish all of my energy upon Caro before they leave. And as they drive away, I will see my future approach the horizon line. And I will collapse into my curse. I only have to be alive for 2 more months, maybe 3 or 4 at most.

Nikolai thinks I’m borderline. He also said that people who are in happy relationships don’t think (as I do of Ezra) about how they wish their partner hated them so much they would break up with them. I hope… I hope it isn’t alcoholism that does it. Although I am completely intent on being an alcoholic now, I hope that’s not what destroys this relationship. How banal. I hope he just grows to see me as I am, as the most contemptible woman. I have done so much evil to Ezra, but the worst thing I have done is certainly make him think he needs me, or wants me, or loves me. I am a ball of maggots projecting the image of a woman.

I hope my mother knows she did this to me. My grandmother did this to me. My aunt did this to me. The world did this to me. But really, I DID THIS TO ME.

I’m never listening to my therapist again when she encourages me to do something challenging. What a waste of everyone else’s time. I’m always going to be a waste of everyone’s time.

Thank you for listening. I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry to be so self-centered. If you could write me back, I would attentively pour over your letters. I wish you weren’t so unknown to me.

Love,

Elizabeth

#personal

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mental-mario · 8 months

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Part II: Borderline Boogaloo!

Before I continue about my experience in the psych ward, I want to thank my new friend (who is hopefully a real person) lady-macbeth13 for joining me and hopping aboard! I encourage you if you're reading this to click that follow button so you can be my friend as well. Hop aboard this thing before it takes off so you can say, "I knew him when..." Also, please help a friend out and tip me if you can spare it! You can't see but I'm shaking my change cup on the corner right now. I currently have no income, so I am trying to afford the monthly bills and also a video capture card and HDMI splitter so I can get live streaming off the launching pad! I am also trying to afford Super Mario Bros. Wonder, so I truly appreciate any tips you can help with! I want to get some online multiplayer up and streaming with everyone, so look out for that as well! Finally, my friend code on Switch is posted in my bio at this time and QR code is my profile pic, so send me a friend invite! I'm lonely and need friends! :)

So when we left off, I was getting strip searched by 2 nursing staff, and as kinky as that was, it ended rather abruptly when they had me put my jumpsuit back on. Before I could contain my arousal, they showed me to the infamous padded cell. Now, this is all taking place in a cramped, locked, dark area with no windows. The padded cell felt much like a cubicle made of the padded mats from gym class. The walls were the same material, and there was a camera up in the corner of the ceiling near the dingy yellow light. The door had a small slotted window as well. The staff member told me she had to show me the cell so she could document that she showed it to me, and I would only need to see it again if I got violent. From there I was let back out into gen-pop and was given a dinner tray with microwave pizza, which was probably the best thing I had there to eat. As an aside, you may want to make sure what you eat can be a finger food because it is a tall order to eat an overcooked pork chop or chicken breast with a plastic spoon.

As I sat at one of the tables in the dayroom, I got the chance to better observe the environment. There was a TV which was showing the ever-therapeutic local news, where they were running a story about another shooting somewhere. I started feeling less depressed already...There were also a few games like Jenga and Sorry available, which nobody played. Also available was some paper and colored pencils. I ate and sat in a stupor, as the atarax was still kicking in my system. There were posted rules on the wall, stating we are to remain in the dayroom during the day, participate in groups when scheduled, make our beds every day, and clean up after ourselves, including our food trays. The doors were all locked with security monitoring the main doors and cameras everywhere except for the bedrooms. There were a few locked doors designated for group exercise and meeting with the psych team, but I wouldn't get the chance to be evaluated or talk to anyone until the next morning. The rooms were mostly 2 beds but some were private. I did end up having a roommate that night which I hated, but he was quiet enough that I could sleep that night in combination with trazodone. Also in the room was a sink, a bathroom with half door (no lock), a toilet with no seat, and a shower that was surprisingly adequate. For other entertainment, if board games don't grab ya, you could walk laps around the nurse's station, and they even had a helpful sign to let us know that just 33 times around = 1 mile! I know nothing could make me feel more prepared to reintegrate into society than stumbling around the nurse's desk like a zombie in a paper suit that was 2 sizes too large for me.

Since I had checked myself in voluntarily, I was allowed to sign a discharge request notice, which would allow them no longer than 72 hours after submitting it to continue holding me. By 9:30pm, I was ready to go to bed after a long day, and I was also ready to sign the aforementioned form. The unit was loud with lots of hollering, and that triggered my anxiety and shut me right down. Brought me back to my year at the college dorm, which was traumatic and did not go well for me. When I knocked on the door to the nurse's station, I was informed that my nurse was busy at the moment, as she had patients on the other unit to attend to. I stood outside the station, waiting for my nurse to return. By 10:15, I had enough. I knocked on the nurse's door again and said that I didn't care who handled the form but that I wanted to sign it. This other nurse then comes out and gets in my face and tells me it has to be with my nurse and also, "you won't be leaving here tomorrow...I can tell you that!" She replied with such a nasty attitude, and if it's one thing you want to do as a medical professional working on a psych unit, it is to instigate someone with BPD. I started to get nasty right back, and the nurse slunk away back behind the glass, perhaps realizing that she wasn't making the best decision in that moment. I stood around some more until my nurse finally arrived at 10:30pm, and I was wondering the whole time at what point I could expect this experience to actually start making me feel better and less suicidal. Spoiler alert: that moment never came. After this nurse checked that I properly swallowed my late meds, I went to sleep at 11pm, which began quiet time.

I am going to break there and continue on in Part III for my next post, so make sure you click FOLLOW to make sure you don't miss out on that! After all, I feel like we are starting to become good friends now, so friend me and make me a part of your day! I will try not to be too needy! And again, my friend code on Switch is SW-4419-5159-3401. Send me a friend invite and I will accept! I'm lonely...and I'm also broke and unemployable, so please hook your new friend up with some tips on my page! Thank you, and I love you!

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finex7 · 1 year

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Luminifera Yesterday at 11:30 AM

> hello neroooo

> nerooooooo. with the ooh sound

> hahahahah

> another day... possibly more pool time!

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:37 AM

> Lmao

> Yassss

> I won't go today but you enjoy!

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> I hope I will. I have an insane amount of anxiety right now out of nowhere.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> aw

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> then again, I have insane amounts of anxiety almost every day xD

> there's this medication I wanna try, but I'm dreading spending 100 BRL per month on it... when I already spend a lot on my other medications too

> then again, I probably should. 100 per month isn't that much. I can afford it. it's just... ah... spending money hurts me emotionally.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:40 AM

> What does it do

> How many meds are you on

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:41 AM

> I'm not sure actually hahah I had looked it up but I forgot now hehe

> I'm on 2 daily ones

> desvenlafaxine in the morning, it's a dual antidepressant. inhibits recapture of serotonin and norepinephrine

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:43 AM

> Interesting

> Did it help

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:44 AM

> trazodone at night. it's a... an antidepressant

> Trazodone is an antidepressant that belongs to a group of drugs called serotonin receptor antagonists and reuptake inhibitors (SARIS).

> huh, so it... disables the receptors or something?

> I forgot all I knew about pharmacology...

[[NeroFas Did it help]]

> all I know is that I'm worse without it. hahah

> so I guess it does help.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:46 AM

> Ok Imao

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:48 AM

> I can't function without desvenlafaxine. if I go without it for 2 days or more, I get really moody, very irritable, crying easily, head gets foggy and dizzy, etc

> symptoms increase with the time I go without it.

> without trazodone, I can't sleep.

> it makes me sleepy.

> I started taking it last year when I started having insomnia, on my last month of uni

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:49 AM

> I see

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:49 AM

> yeah.

> but those are withdrawal symptoms.

> if I slowly lower the dosage, I can wean myself out. it's what I did with lithium and quetiapine

> so I don't take them anymore.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:51 AM

> Good idea

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:52 AM

> i was doing the same with desvenlafaxine, but then the "last semester of uni + graduation + drastic change from student to worker" combo hit me so hard xD

> 2022 was difficult for me.

> and then I lost olive, too.

> he's not dead. but he might as well be. in fact, it'd be easier if he was

> I think my therapist misjudged how harshly it would affect me.

> she's the one who suggested me being straightforward.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:54 AM

> Sorry that happened

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:54 AM

> it was like ripping off a band-aid.

> but the wound underneath wasn't healed

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:55 AM

> Yeah mood

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:55 AM

> and so it's been exposed. anything that touched it hurt so badly.

> it's a bit better now.

> but sometimes it still feels like the pain is unbearable.

> I couldn't imagine living without him. but now I am forced to.

> he was my lifeline for so many years

> now I have to force myself to swim. but I haven't learned it yet

> wow, what a way to start the day hahah

> I'm sorry I'm talking about this

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:57 AM

> No it's ok

> I am having my own What a Way to Start the Day

Luminifera Yesterday at 3:07 PM

> yes pool but it started raining so we came to the tiny heated pool that is indoors

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:17 PM

> feeling awful now

[[Luminifera feeling awful now]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:18 PM

> I made a comment about my friend's insecurity and offended her on accident.

> she was sad about it.

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:31 PM

> it's not because of that. I have identified the source of my distress.

> it's her girlfriend and one of her girlfriend's friends.

> they don't like me. I'm sure of it.

> they think I'm annoying and they can't stand me. I feel it.

> it's the vibe.

> they see me as a burden.

> it's a similar vibe that I get from autumn and mel sometimes, but luckily I've never been with them in person.

[[Luminifera it's a similar vibe that I get from autumn and mel sometimes]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:37 PM

> similar but much worse.

> autumn and mel are nice about it.

> not that these girls are rude or anything. it's the coldness in their eyes. the expressions of disgust in their faces.

> they're not saying anything, but their body language spits, "I don't want you here".

> I don't want anyone to see me cry.

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:47 PM

> having a kpop group as my screen saver and phone background might be cringe when other people see it, but it always makes me feel better to see them

> it's like they're guardian angels. muses. imaginary friends.

> like, I know they're real people whom I know nothing about xD but I'm talking about the persona they have as a group.

> if I ever saw them irl, I'd want to thank them for doing their job very well.

> excellent idols.

> my imaginary friends irene, seulgi, wendy, joy and yeri

> they're supposedly the imaginary friends of a little girl who made them up as personalities for her dolls, to play with. or something. it's a "theory" about their group hahahah. "lore" as the kids say it

> it works like that for me.

> it has a calming effect on me.

> I also like that they're color coded.

> my beautiful friends in their colorful gingham dresses.

[[Luminifera they're not saying anything, but their body language spits, "I don't want you here".]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:03 PM

> I can't stand up to them and I think this makes them dislike me even more.

> because then I'm the victim, right? and that's disgusting to them. that I offended someone, and yet, I'm the one who acts all shy and small and hiding

> nevermind that it wasn't on purpose. in fact that would make it worse.

> because I'm not even an asshole.

> I'm just weak. disgusting.

> and then I keep acting weak (because I'm scared of them), which is even more disgusting.

> of course, I'm just making this all up in my head. all those reasons and rationale and connections between things.

> but the disgust is real. I can sense it. I know it.

> just like I can look at the sky and know that it's gray.

> I don't want to go downstairs to eat, because she's there.

> and she helped make the food.

> worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having me go back home in her car with her.

> I really really really don't want that.

> and I'll bet she doesn't want it either, but she'll do it if everyone agrees it's best.

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:11 PM

> this is something that I absolutely hate: the way everything is always veiled. never out in the open.

> they will never admit that they dislike me

> so if I say anything, I'm crazy. I'm imagining things. I'm victimizing myself. it gives them even more reason to dislike me.

> my friend's gf at least sometimes feels bad for being cold to me. but I don't think her friend feels anything for me but disgust and indifference.

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:44 PM

> crying makes everything worse.

> i don't like feeling unwelcome. but this is the worst: feeling unwelcome by some, but others want you to be there. so you can't just leave.

[[Luminifera worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 7:04 PM

> guess what was decided

> I'd rather go by bus. really really rather do that.

> I'm now trying to build up the courage to go tell them about it.

> I'm also thinking about [redacted]

> in that you could fall asleep peacefully, and then die. like... is there a better possible suicide method? imagine? you just fall asleep and then you're dead?

> best course of action.

> I think I'll just. hide somewhere. and then they'll go without me.

> I wish I hadn't come. I wish I'd stayed home.

> I'm so sorry for the trouble I'm going to cause them. I really am. but I can't do this.

Luminifera Yesterday at 7:24 PM

> gonna try to find a place to hide. wish me luck.

[[Luminifera if I ever saw them irl, I'd want to thank them for doing their job very well.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:12 PM

> I completely understand

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:17 PM

> I'm hiding.

> they will be angry with me.

> rebeka especially.

> she's my friend's gf.

> she will probably try to convince them to leave me here.

> maybe my friends will agree. I wouldn't blame them.

> I am being obnoxious.

> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. for them. I didn't want to do this.

> I was just too scared. I'm terrified. I can't take it.

> I'm... I don't know what I am.

> but I couldn't take it.

> I ran away.

> I'm hiding from the rain by the side of a church.

> it's really raining a lot.

> my friends will be angry.

> it's good that they're angry.

[[Luminifera worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:20 PM

> she went home by herself.

> I haven't asked anyone. but I suppose things were rearranged so that I'd come back with my friend and rebeka.

> but I'm scared. I'm really scared of her.

> I don't know why. I'm not sure why I'm so scared of her. I don't know what in her is so terrifying.

> I couldn't stand it. it was too much. I was huddling and crying. I couldn't. I couldn't stay there.

> it's good if my friends are angry at me and like me less. because they'll miss me less when I die.

> if they leave me here, I'll find a way home. I dont know how. maybe i can ask someone in this church to take me to the bus station.

> I have my phone with me. and my card.

> and a water bottle.

> and my jacket.

[[Luminifera I don't want to go downstairs to eat, because she's there.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:23 PM

> Go compliment the food!

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:23 PM

> that's all I have. everything else was in my bags. my friend put them in the car.

[[NeroFas Go compliment the food!]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:24 PM

> I did not like the food. I ate it because I know my body needs food. and because I didn't want to offend them by not eating.

[[Luminifera I really really really don't want that.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:24 PM

> Have you considered your negativity is self creating? Maybe she thinks you hate her

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:25 PM

> I don't even have my earbuds... I should have put it in my pocket. but I didn't. it's in my backpack.

> rebeka will be angry if she put it in the trunk and then I ask for it. I think she put it in the trunk though. I don't want to ask.

> I don't want to have to deal with any of that.

> my friend is calling me. the male one. he's angry with me, I know it. I'm not answering the calls.

> hate me. please. go on and just hate me. leave me here.

> and don't forgive me.

[[NeroFas Have you considered your negativity is self creating? Maybe she thinks you hate her]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:26 PM

> oh she does not, they know I don't hate any of them

> this woman is preaching quite the sermon at this church.

> it's about hiding in fear.

> ironic!

> I should go back.

> but I'm scared.

> they will be angry.

> I don't want to face their anger.

[[Luminifera it's good that they're angry.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:57 PM

> Why

> Oh I see what you said for why

> What a bad day

> When you go back you can say you went for a walk and ironically went to church

> Its ok, you didn't do anything bad

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:05 PM

> they found me.

> they're very angry.

> they're all wet from the rain.

> another three of them went looking too, but they left their phones in the house.

> I am absolutely terrified.

> I cannot interact with them. it's not safe.

> I hope they hate me.

> I hope it works.

[[NeroFas Its ok, you didn't do anything bad]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> yes I did.

> I ran away. they're all wet because of me. 3 people are still walking around in the rain looking for me.

> I hope they all hate me forever and ever.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> Oh they are so stupid for not bringing their phones

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> I hope they don't want to be friends with me anymore

[[Luminifera I hope they all hate me forever and ever.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:08 PM

> You don't actually want that

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:08 PM

> I don't. I'll be very sad. but that will help. the sadder i am, the easier it will be to further convince myself that I should die

> so I'll be less scared of it.

> why is that my plan, nero?

> why do I want to die?

> my family will be devastated.

> ohhhhh but I'm sure rebeka hates me. for sure now.

> she never liked me. now she hates me I bet.

> unfortunately that solves nothing. if the others don't hate me too.

> my friend's brother's friends were very nice to me.

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> rebeka is super upset. I'm scared.

> I'm scared.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> I think you still mentally only opérate with the perspective of things not being ok

> So you have to convince yourself they're not ok

[[NeroFas I think you still mentally only opérate with the perspective of things not being ok So you have to convince]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> And then maybe you make things worse lol

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> why did I run away. it's worse now. oh god.

> I'm scared.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> See i think you crave things to be bad

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I'm really really scared

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Of what?

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I should have just walked into the sea

> I'm scared of her.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Why

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I don't know

> she is profoundly scary

> I have snot all over my face.

> from all the crying.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Why don't you apologize to her and say you've been overwhelmed

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> bc that will fix nothing.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> It will make you less afraid of her

> Try talking to her

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> it will make them all even more mad at me.

> especially her.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> No it won't lol

> She might not be nice but they will not be mad at you

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:13 PM

> my friend is sick. she has a very sore throat. she had a fever for the past two days. she prescribed herself antibiotics and bought them today though

> but then she went out in the rain to look for me. with no jacket.

> she's all wet and it's my fault. she will get sicker.

> it's my fault

> they want to call my mother.

> they'll tell her.

> my mom will be super worried

> well, fuck that. my mom is fucking stupid. I'm kind of fed up with her.

[[NeroFas She might not be nice but they will not be mad at you]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:14 PM

> they are and will be even madder at me

> bc I did this to them. I ran away. and so they went out looking for me

[[Luminifera but then she went out in the rain to look for me. with no jacket.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:16 PM

> Aw she cares about you

> Lumi it's ok to walk away you're an adult

> This isn't running away this is taking a walk

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:17 PM

> no. I didn't tell anyone I was going.

> they were very worried.

> I have decided. I will tell them what I did. and why (to the best of my abilities).

> I don't know why I'm so scared of rebeka. I have no idea. but it is a very real fear.

> when the missing people come back.

> which I hope they do soon.

> my head hurts.

[[NeroFas Lumi it's ok to walk away you're an adult]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:19 PM

> I told myself this.

> I think I'm now going to be an adult with no friends.

> it's what I deserve.

[[Luminifera it's what I deserve.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:21 PM

> See, you crave things to be bad

> Deny yourself and let them be good

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:55 PM

> they won't be good.

> they don't want to be my friends anymore.

> they think I had a childish attitude.

> I think... I think they don't understand.

> what it's like. to be terrified.

> incredibly enough, it appears that my friend's brother and his friends understood.

> some of them. his girlfriend looked me in the eyes and said she definitely understood me.

> she's only 21.

> he also looked like he got it.

> I think they're depressed too. they must know what it's like.

> I think I had a psychotic break.

> back to the blackboard. drawing the plan to kill myself.

> nero, I know I sabotage myself. I'm sorry.

> I feel like writing letters.

> I'm so sorry for my self, even. this person... she could be someone amazing

> if only someone else lived inside her.

> she could have been so happy...

> you hate me too, right?

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> No lol, and if that's an indicator of your "other ppl hate me" it might not be very accurate haha

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> but my friends DO hate me now. I'm sure of it

> they don't want to be my friends anymore.

> they say it's not my person that they don't like. it's my attitudes

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> I doooo think you had something go on today

> A break down of some kind

> Maybe your therapist can help make sense of it

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> they don't understand that it makes no difference.

> and that it's in fact worse.

> because no matter what I do... how good I try to be... I can try my best.

> my attitudes are never enough.

[[NeroFas Maybe your therapist can help]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:02 PM

> I don't deserve therapy

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> You are trying to sabotage yourself again lol

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> I will go see her. my therapist.

> and tell her all of this.

[[NeroFas You are trying to sabotage yourself again lol]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> losing my friends was part of it.

> nero. I'm scared.

> I'm scared that I really am going to kill myself.

> I don't want to die

> help me

> I don't know what to do

> I'm scared...

> I'm scared. I'm scared.

> I miss olive.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:05 PM

> What did he say in times like this?

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:09 PM

> I don't know.

> he always knew how to calm me down.

> I'm very scared and there's nothing I can do. no running anymore. I'm stuck in a car with them.

> they hate me.

> nero, I don't understand. help me understand.

> they went out in the rain looking for me. they were worried. but they weren't happy to find me. they were just very angry. they think I was childish.

> I don't understand if they care about me or not.

> she said it was a loss of trust.

> what I did.

> that she can't trust me if I'll run away after any fight or disagreement.

> does that mean they cared about me, but now they don't anymore?

> I don't understand.

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:20 PM

> I feel like... it's like what olive felt.

> like I'm too much work.

> they don't want to feel responsible for me anymore. just like he did.

> so they drop me.

> they don't care if that makes me worE.

> worse*. in the end, only my family will remain

> if I kill myself, will they care?

> will they feel bad for having dropped me.

> I don't think so.

> I think they would be relieved.

> that they didn't have to watch me die.

> that they did a good thing by leaving me. because i was a lost cause.

[[Luminifera they went out in the rain looking for me. they were worried. but they weren't happy to find me. they were]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:22 PM

> They do care about you but they were frustrated

[[Luminifera that they did a good thing by leaving me. because i was a lost cause.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:24 PM

> You make up awful stories about your friends unu

> Sorry I'm not more helpful by the way

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:27 PM

> I want to run away again. far away.

> and just... be alone...

> nero

> I think

> subconsciously

> I didn't think they were good friends to me.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:28 PM

> Maybe not the people for you. You don't like party people

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:28 PM

> so when I weighed it... the pros and cons. I did it unconsciously I'm sure of it. I always weigh everything.

> I knew they would be angry

> I knew it and I thought it was worth it

> they act like of course they wouldn't just leave me

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> You wanted it maybe

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> but I really, really thought they would.

> leave without me.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> I still think your unconscious is your bully

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:30 PM

> she is very mean to me. but she wants me to survive. she's concerned for my safety.

> I like the song that's playing right now.

> it's about time.

> a beautiful brazilian song from the 80s.

> listen when you can, if you want. Tempo Perdido - Legiao Urbana

> I was surprised with the gentleness with which my friend's brother's friends treated me.

> the kindness they showed.

> I had not expected them to care about me, in the least. literally. thought they wouldn't care at all

[[NeroFas I still think your unconscious is your bully]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:35 PM

> no. the bully is in my consciousness.

> my subconscious is just worried about my safety.

> my subconscious... is the victim.

> she's the part of me that constantly victimizes herself... because it's all she knows.

> if there's no abuser... she makes one up.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> Why do you want to be the victim

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I don't think I want to

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I wonder if it's bc you were raised by someone like that

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I think she doesn't know how to be someone else.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> Like I have no reason to be nervous about the things my mom is nervous about

> And yet I am

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:45 PM

> so she always reverts to that. it's what she knows.

> yes. having being raised by the victim: "this is the blueprint. this is how to be."

> my grandma is not like that. I wonder what happened to my mom.

> I have a feeling... a want. to be totally honest and open with my grandma when I arrive.

> ah, it won't come true.

> she will be asleep.

> and when I wake up tomorrow... I will be shy again.

> nero, can I ask you to help me with it?

> tell me to do it. to open up with her.

> she will tell and the whole family will know, but...

> you know what? I'm so tired of this game of pretending.

> pretending everything's fine.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:48 PM

> You should definitely tell her about your feelings and experience

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:48 PM

> this stupid game that my family likes to play

> I think it's ridiculous.

> we're not strangers. we're family. we're supposed to help and support each other, not gossip and judge each other! of course some gossip and judging is unavoidable, and that's ok. but it shouldn't be the focus, never!

> I will tell her this, too.

> I'm not fine.

> I'm really really struggling. my whole life is changing... so fast.

> I feel like I am awakening. like I was just born.

> "oh, my life... is changing every day... in every possible way."

[[Luminifera I didn't think they were good friends to me.]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:55 PM

> now that I think on it...

> I have been thinking that for a while.

> a good while!

> I told my friend that I was hesitant to go on this trip with them. because I was already scared of rebeka.

> she said it would be fine, she doesn't dislike me, it'll be fun etc

> then I was worried about the food. bc I know I'm... particular about what I eat.

> then I was worried about sleeping.

[[Luminifera I feel like I am awakening. like I was just born.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:59 PM

> That's kind of awesome tbh

[[Luminifera I told my friend that I was hesitant to go on this trip with them. because I was already scared of rebeka.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:00 PM

> Aw you should not have gone

> (Is ok to run away and cry sometimes I just did that too)

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:16 PM

> I slept just fine. I ate the food, didn't enjoy it, but I didn't starve. I managed to have some fun some of the time.

> but in the end, it was my fear. of people. I didn't feel comfortable around them, that's the truth of it, and that's what made this happen. that's it.

> anyway. perhaps... perhaps I am a very perceptive person and rebeka does have something in her for me to be scared about. or perhaps I'm just insane.

> probably both!

> I will write letters to them: my friend's brother and his friends. and my male friend's boyfriend, edson.

> they were kind to me. actually, Edson was the only one who reacted like what I now think I would have reacted too, had I been in their place instead... angry and upset, yes, but also very relieved. firm and stern about "never do that again! you shouldn't have done that!", but also making a little joke about how he went looking for me, and he hugged me before leaving.

[[NeroFas (Is ok to run away and cry sometimes I just did that too)]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:17 PM

> you just ran away to cry?

> what happened?

> tell me, I want to help if I can

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:24 PM

> it's okay if you don't want to open up.

> I understand that people like me don't seem capable of listening... and being helpful.

> because we're so fragile

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:25 PM

> Oh i just had a bad day and something stupid set me off

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:25 PM

> tell me about it?

[redacted]

[[NeroFas Obviously I am also bothered by your day but don't feel bad for telling me]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:34 PM

> I feel like I'm going to be alright.

> I'm not going to die.

> I'm going to live!

> I'm going to make friends.

> other friends.

> somehow. I'll find people for me.

> people who want me in their lives... people who don't make me feel like an afterthought?

> people who don't think mental illness is childish.

> I'm glad neither of those friends want to be psychiatrists anymore. they used to, you know?

> I think I'll be a great one. if i do go that route.

> maybe that's my fate, and this is why I suffer so much: because my future patients need me to understand their pain.

> that would make a beautiful story, wouldn't it?

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:46 PM

> I'm home.

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:55 PM

> just looked in the mirror.

> despite everything, it's still me.

> I am myself.

[[Luminifera people who want me in their lives... people who don't make me feel like an afterthought?]]

NeroFas Today at 12:07 AM

> They are out there

> But I'm thinking you're just trying to make me feel better

Luminifera Today at 12:36 AM

> hmm?

[redacted]

Luminifera Today at 12:37 AM

> I spent some time on youtube just now. distracting my mind a bit

> now it's time to shower and sleep.

> I am hungry, but I also feel nauseous.

NeroFas Today at 12:39 AM

> I'm cooking

> Frying tofu for my friend

Luminifera Today at 1:21 AM

> spent more time on my phone...

> now I really don't need it.

[[NeroFas Frying tofu for my friend]]

Luminifera Today at 1:22 AM

> looks yummy!

> I miss eating yummy food

[[Luminifera now I really don't need it.]]

NeroFas Today at 1:32 AM

> Don't need what ?

Luminifera Today at 1:52 AM

> to spend time on my phone.

> didn't need to be distracted anymore.

> I am thinking out at length about what to write to my friends.

> can I send it to you eventually? so you can tell me what you think

> it's okay if you don't want to

> I don't want to pester you

Nero Fas Today at 1:57 AM

> How will you send them to them? And sure

Luminifera Today at 2:05 AM

> i was thinking about writing and sending them as actual letters

> would make it more meaningful and would also mean I'd have to double and triple and quadruple check my words.

Luminifera Today at 12:44 PM

> hello

> I woke up. my mom is here too. :)

> grandma is making lunch.

> I feel better.

> oh, you should definitely adopt a dog if you dreamed about it!!!

> I forgot what I dreamed about tonight.

Luminifera Today at 1:47 PM

> feeling nervous.

Luminifera Today at 2:00 PM

> anxious...

Luminifera Today at 2:39 PM

> my tummy hurts from it. the anxiety.

> do you think I should tell my grandma about how it was?

> it's like I swallowed all these feelings and now they're bubbling up in my stomach, wanting to come back up.

Luminifera Today at 2:51 PM

> I feel absolutely defeated

Luminifera Today at 3:02 PM

> I feel like my friends don't know what it's like to be in fear

> they didn't understand

> I don't know what they think of me

> but they don't think the truth

> they didnt... they didn't see... they saw something else... I couldn't make myself understood...

> I want to run away from all of this... not them and that specific situation. but this world. this society. I don't understand it. I'm scared of it. I don't want to live in it.

> it's scary.

#long post #conversation

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