#that i’ll never get out of until i eventually stop trying. im always so numb but so sensitive at the same time and my brain just constantly

[doctors-star]

hi its me im back again #43 for lister/rimmer? (a non-cowboy alternative)

“I’ve never met a more stubborn person in my life.” “You like it.” “Do I?”

-

Lister taps his fingers against the iron girder. It’s painted the same red as the Dwarf, but chipping and loose - probably also like the Dwarf, only he’s not been out to have a gander in a while. Always seems to be something else to do these days.

He sighs heavily. Picks a flake of paint loose. Resists the urge to fidget.

“I spy-”

“Oh, Christ, we’re not that bored already are we?” Rimmer whines, and Lister allows his head to loll to his right. It puts his face within inches of Rimmer’s cheek, and though it makes him go a little cross-eyed to do so he can clearly see that yes, Rimmer is that bored.

“Well, we’re trapped for the foreseeable future in a pile of rubble and girders in an abandoned derelict, with no comms and no hope of rescue until Krytes and Cat can be bothered to come lookin’,” Lister points out calmly. “We can play fortunately-unfortunately instead if you want, but I don’t think this is going to get less boring quickly.”

Rimmer sniffs and glowers at the ceiling of their weird rubble igloo. It had, of course, been heart-stoppingly terrifying for a while; Lister had smacked the door release idly with the side of his fist, the doors had opened, and he and Rimmer had entered, bickering all the while so enthusiastically that what had happened after that was still a mystery to Lister. The upshot, crucially, had been that the ceiling had fallen in in a shower of sparks and trailing wires and laid them both out flat under slabs of metal panelling, chunks of what looked like concrete, and a few girders for colour. One is neatly pinning Lister’s hips to the floor, there’s a large amount of concrete on his ankles, and Rimmer is buried in metal sheeting up to his sternum, but on the bright side they can both breathe and nothing seems to be broken. Not that Rimmer could break, anyway, being as he is entirely made of solid light.

This had not stopped Lister from being apocalyptically terrified for a good thirty seconds after impact.

“Is it rubble?” Rimmer asks at last, with a tone of deep dissatisfaction.

“I didn’t even tell you the first letter,” Lister says, trying not to grin at Rimmer.

Rimmer shifts his head to gaze, unimpressed, at Lister.

“It was, though, yeah.”

Rimmer looks as though he wants to laugh, and also to despair of him; it makes his face twitch like a ferret in a sack. Lister presses forward an inch to drop a kiss on the end of his nose, because that usually makes the twitching worse. “Menace,” Rimmer says, flinching back to glare, cross-eyed, down his nose at Lister. But, you know, affectionately. Lister beams. “I can’t believe we’re stuck here waiting for two mentally-incompetents to rescue us,” Rimmer sighs. He fidgets his shoulders, shifting the panelling, and winces.

“Stop moving, man,” Lister says in a voice which he hopes is calming.

It isn’t; Rimmer thrashes about a bit like he’s being electrocuted, which makes the whole rubble pile shake in a deeply worrying fashion. He does, however, manage to work his left arm free and shake it triumphantly in the air. “Dead arm,” he says in explanation - and then, very casually, so subtly that the motion occurs in neon with bells on, he rests the hand on top of Lister’s girder. Next to Lister’s fingers. And then Rimmer doesn’t look at his hand, the girder, or in Lister’s direction at all, so Lister takes the hint.

“Dead everything, mate,” he says helpfully, sliding his fingers under Rimmer’s palm and giving his hand a squeeze. Rimmer’s frame relaxes ever so slightly, as though that threatened slight rejection had worried him more than the whole mild peril of their situation. Neurotic bastard. “Speaking of,” Lister adds, rubbing his thumb over the back of Rimmer’s hand, “you don’t have to wait for Kryten and Cat. You could go softlight, wriggle on out, and go get ‘em.”

Rimmer’s hand tightens briefly on his before carefully relaxing. “No-o,” he says with forced casualness, “I’ll wait.”

Lister nods. “Very helpful. You just wait here to avoid the walk. Can’t have you tirin’ yourself out. If I starve to death, I want the lightbee every two weeks, alright?”

“I am not arranging a timeshare with our afterlife!” Rimmer objects sharply.

“You smegging well are,” Lister corrects cheerfully. “If you kill me through inaction, you owe me at least some of your time. You promised, remember-” he says smugly, pressing as close as he can until his nose is pressed into Rimmer’s cheekbone. “Spend the rest of our time together, forever-”

“Exactly,” Rimmer sputters, face turning a very impressive red at the reference to their little...agreement. “Together - which we won’t be, if only one of us exists at a time.”

“You’d better go an’ fetch us some rescue then, eh?” Lister says, smiling into Rimmer’s jaw to make him squirm. “Or else.”

He can feel the muscles in Rimmer’s face twitch slightly with the effort not to turn into Lister’s ministrations and give up on the argument - only that would mean losing said argument, and that usually requires more attention than Lister can give with his body pinned to the floor. By something that isn’t Rimmer, that is. “Ah, but you said we’d stay together,” Rimmer points out firmly, voice only ticking up half an octave when Lister starts kissing at the hinge of his jaw. “Death do us part, you said.”

Lister grins and picks up their joined hands, nudging them towards the small gap in the ceiling that a lightbee, and corresponding intangible human shape, could easily fit through. “An’ you’ve already kicked it, so off you pop,” he says brightly.

Rimmer sputters indignantly for a bit, but makes no move. After a moment, the grumbling resumes, and Lister can’t help a sigh. “Where are those two, anyway? Even they ought to have noticed by now-”

“Rimmer, mate you literally don’t need to be here,” Lister says, impatience bleeding into his tone as he pulls back slightly. He doesn’t miss how Rimmer shifts minutely into his space before reversing quickly.

“Well, I’m not going,” Rimmer says, fingers tightening around Lister’s.

He shakes his head and lies back, staring at the ceiling. “I’ve never met a more stubborn person in my life,” he says.

“You like it,” Rimmer retorts immediately.

“Do I?” he replies, voice tired and dry. But he rolls his head back to face Rimmer. He knows Rimmer better than anyone in the entire universe; of course he had caught the wheedling note in Rimmer’s voice, the flash of insecurity, the minute increase in the grip on his hand. And sure enough, Rimmer’s eyes are wide and slightly worried, and then his face turns quickly away, schooled into something snide. He wishes Rimmer wouldn’t do that; has no hope that he’ll ever stop. Lister picks up their joined hands and gently knocks their knuckles against the girder three times. “Well, it’s still annoying,” he says eventually. “But as long as I don’t starve here, I’d still rather have you with me than not. So.”

Rimmer waves a hand idly. “Eat your own leg, or something.”

Lister gives him a thumbs-up. “Will do.”

They lie quietly for a while, listening to the rubble creak and groan, and to a mysterious dripping sound which, every third drop, fizzes with a decidedly electrical sound. There’s a lump of something digging into his spine, and his foot is rapidly going numb, but Rimmer’s hand is pleasantly warm and solid in his own, his breathing regular and steady in the half-light, and it is - god help his standards for living - not half bad. Lister is, despite himself, quite glad that Rimmer is more stubborn than a bull-headed pig when he wants to be.

He’s glad, too, to be something Rimmer gets so stubborn over.

He is quite bored, though.

“I spy-” he begins again.

“It’s girder this time, I know it,” Rimmer says quickly. “I am not playing this with you.” Lister closes his mouth. “It was panel, actually - and look, what do you want to do? Arguing didn’t take up as much time as I had hoped-”

“You picked a fight to pass the time?!”

“Yeah, only, it was a really rubbish argument. Unfortunately.”

“Well,” Rimmer says, sounding as self-important as a man can when being crushed by sheets of metal, “fortunately, we love each other far too well to ever argue.”

“Unfortunately,” Lister says, grinning at the barefaced lie, “no-one with an IQ over seven would believe that.”

“Fortunately, I know my audience,” Rimmer says smugly, eyes dancing and smile so cheerfully obnoxious that Lister has to laugh, he just has to, not least for the way it makes Rimmer’s whole face soften into something gentler, and more fond.

He squeezes Rimmer’s hand and feels it squeeze back. “Unfortunately, you’re stuck with him,” he murmurs, eyes dropping helplessly to Rimmer’s lips.

Rimmer smiles, small and genuine. “I’ll survive,” he says.

#rimmer and lister need to discover cabin pressure flight deck games #only they would both be dreadful at them #can you believe! i've emptied my inbox of prompts. holy shit. #they've been there so long. #i am compelled to obtain more. #red dwarf #arnold rimmer #dave lister #lister/rimmer #this is your captain speaking

[accio-draco]

twist of fate | fourteen

in which y/n is in the same situation as draco

Summary: Like Draco, Y/N is forced to become a young Death-Eater and the Dark Lord gives her a job to do. Sixth year, slow burn, kinda enemies to lovers.

Word count: 1k

Warnings: sad :(

Draco couldn't sleep a wink that night. He replayed his conversation with Harry over and over until he had convinced himself that everything Harry said was true. It wasn't as though he took a lot of convincing anyway.

He decided to make use of his sleeplessness. He grabbed a quill and parchment and started to write. By the time he was happy with what he had written, scraps on scribbled out parchment littered the floor. He slipped out of bed to pay a visit to Moaning Myrtle.

-

Dearest Y/N,

I'm afraid you were right, we are on different sides now. I wish with my whole heart we could stand together in this fight, but I don't belong with you.

It is my feelings for you that have driven me to decide to stay away from you. You are far too good for me, and I will only hold you back. I regret that it has come to this but please respect my decision.

Know that you will always be in my heart.

Yours, always D.M

Y/N read the letter over and over again, each time hoping her eyes were deceiving her. However, the words on the parchment never changed.

"There, there," comforted Myrtle.

Y/N should have been sad, or angry, or something. Instead, she felt nothing. Just numb. She couldn't understand how, if you cared for someone, you could decide to stay away from them.

She stuffed the note into the pocket of her jacket and rushed back to her dorm. There, she began to scribble her own note in response to Draco's.

Draco,

While I respect your decision, I will not pretend to understand what has driven you to make it. And I will not pretend that the idea of us not being friends doesn't break my heart.

I'm sorry you feel as though you don't belong with me. If it's any consolation, I feel the opposite. When I am with you (and we're actually getting along), nothing feels more right.

If this is to be our final correspondence, then I have a few things to say. Firstly, to me, you are so much more than the bad things you've done. Those things do not define you. Secondly, I have never been in love, but the way you make me feel is what I imagine love feels like. Finally, know that all of your secrets are safe with me, and I'll be here should you need me. You can tell me anything.

Forever yours, Y/N

Much like Draco had done, Y/N gave the parchment to Myrtle to pass on.  But Draco never came to collect it.

-

Every day for weeks, Y/N went to visit Myrtle in the hopes of some news. Not necessarily a reply, but at least to hear he'd received the note.

"He hasn't come to visit me," Myrtle would huff.

"Never mind," YN would say. Seeing Myrtle every day helped a bit. Myrtle knew about her and Draco, and for some reason, Y/N trusted her.

She would talk to Myrtle about Draco. How he seemed to be looking worse and worse every day. Tired, sad, lonely. Y/N shared her worries about him, whether he would be okay again.

In classes, Y/N would occasionally steal a glance at Draco, just to make sure he seemed okay. Apart from that, the two never spoke. If Draco stole glances at Y/N, she didn't notice.

-

Each morning Draco woke up, he wished he hadn't. Since he stopped talking to Y/N, he felt as though he had nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. He wished every night that he wouldn't wake up the next morning.

Every day was the same. Go to class, try not to look at Y/N, look at Y/N anyway just to see if she's looking at him (she never is), avoid everyone, go to the Room and work on the Cabinet, sleep, repeat. He hated it.

He wouldn't even go and see Myrtle any more, afraid of what she might tell him about Y/N. He was entirely alone. And it was all his fault.

-

Eventually, Y/N gave up. She took her note back from Myrtle one morning, shoving it in her pocket before heading to class.

Class was the same as always. Pretending Draco didn't exist except for a small period of time just to check up on him. Only this time, when Y/N looked at Draco, he was already looking at her. Y/N's cheeks flushed and she quickly averted her eyes.

But curiosity got the better of her and when she glanced over again, Draco was still looking at her.

Draco hadn't looked at Y/N for this long in weeks. He had forgotten just how beautiful she was, and just how tempting that gap between the hem of her skirt and her knee socks was. He saw colour blush in her cheeks, and he revelled in the power he has over her by simply looking at her.

Y/N didn't dare look at Draco again during the rest of the lesson, although she couldn't think about anything other than him. When the lesson was finished, Draco shot up out of his seat and left the room as quickly as his feet would carry him.

Y/N looked over to his seat, noticing his textbook still on the desk. She went over and picked it up. She had an idea. Tucking her note between the pages of his book, she headed out after him.

Unable to find him in the corridors, Y/N called out to Pansy.

"Pansy!"

Pansy turned around and smiled at Y/N. "Hey, Y/N."

"Can you do me a favour?" Y/N asked. "Draco left this in class. I'd give it to him myself but..." She trailed off.

"No problem," Pansy said. "Can I ask what happened between you two? He hasn't been his usual self lately."

Y/N shrugged, unsure on what to say. "It's complicated. You'll make sure he gets it? There's something important in there for him."

"You bet."  

TAGLIST:

@detroitobsessed​ @justcallmesams​ @pointlesscoconut​ @dollyclawzz @tedpicklez​ @alluringshawn​ @the-ravenswritingdesk​ @milaonthemoon​ @koc-help​ @bbeauttyybbx​ @cutie1365​ @justmimithings​ @haphazardhufflepuff​ @thescentifollow​ @sadgirlnumber92899​ @westerlies-winds @heypeople2​ @thescarletknight2014​ @prongsandprancer​ @apollonshootafar​ @im-totally-not-dezi​ 

#Draco Malfoy #draco malfoy fanfic #draco x reader #draco lucius malfoy #draco malfoy imagine #hp #hp fanfic #hp imagine #harry potter imagine #Harry Potter #Gryffindor #slytherin #slytherin!reader #hufflepuff #ravenclaw #hogwarts

[yandere-daydreams]

*slams fists on table* /PLEASE/ more incubus. im not horny im intrigued

Aren’t we all? Here’s the first part, if anyone’s interest, but all you should really have to know is our incubus, Alastor, seems to have quite a few commitment issues, and the Reader-Insert isn’t really helping by doing things like ‘staying mentally stable’ and ‘not wanting to go to hell with him’.

TW: Mentions of Bodily Harm, Bondage, and Emotional Manipulation.

~

He was already watching when you opened your eye.

Alastor was a voyeur at the best of times, a witness to your misery who only took the occasional break to make his delight with your current state of captivity known. Sometimes he appeared when your dream was about to turn into a nightmare, and other times he didn’t, letting you stumble your way through a fight or fall or breakdown with no other option, no escape. More often the latter than the former, recently. You hadn’t seen him, really seen him, in a few weeks… or, what felt like weeks, at least. Time seemed more concrete than it had, at first. More uniform, as if he’d finally taken the care to measure it out.

As if you were starting to get used to being trapped in your own head.

You didn’t say anything when you saw him, your pain from your last ‘dream’ still lingering just underneath your skin. Alastor wasn’t smiling, simply sitting cross-legged on the bare concrete floor an arm’s length away, his gaze unfaltering and his lips pressed together so tightly, you wondered if someone finally sewed them shut. You tried not to pay him any mind, glancing around the darkened space instead. Warehouses were a familiar sight by now, open and empty, with no furniture or clutter to stop your short, shallow breaths from echoing off the walls. You were sitting on something - a chair, double your age and half as stable, the wood creaking as you tried to stand, only to be pulled back into it its seat. Leather belts wrapped around your wrists and ankles, keeping your arms behind the chair’s back and your legs bound to stiff, unrelenting beams, more sturdy than they’d seemed during your half-hearted investigation. You couldn’t find it in yourself to be surprised.

It was only a matter of time until Alastor saw fit to trap you physically, too.

You looked towards him, speaking through grit teeth. “Alright, whatever. I’ll bite.” You nodded towards the restraints, and the dark, obscured walls. They looked a little further than they had, last time, but changing scenery was the least of your concerns. “What’s the gimmick this time? Are you going to flood the building and watch me drown? Or, are we just going to sit here until I get bored enough to talk to you?”

He blinked, pausing before he spoke, a hand coming up to run through his hair. It was more disheveled, today, falling loose around his shoulders and curling at odd angles, a stark difference from his usual combed, collected disposition. You almost smirked, proud to see him so disheveled. To know you were the reason behind his frustration, however limited its effect seemed to be.  

“It’s hell,” He mumbled, more to himself than to you. “I mean, it’s not hell, I’ve been there, but this-” He waved towards you vaguely, and you did you best not to glare. “-is hell. I spent this long between meals since… since those witch trials, I think. Everyone was going on about demon children and ‘falling from grace’, it wasn’t a great time to try and tempt a stranger.”

It was a sobering reminder, one you tried not to linger on. You were a meal to him, you never tried to delude yourself into thinking otherwise, but it was different when he was the one pointing it out. If only because he’d always tried so hard to avoid admitting it. “Move on,” You replied, your voice as cold as you could manage. “Find someone else and let me wake up, if you’re so hungry.”

He frowned, pushing himself up with a heavy sigh. He wasn’t far, but he took the time to sulk and shake his head and act so concerned, as if he had to the right to anguish over his own decisions. Eventually, he made up his mind, bending at the waist and cupping your cheek, lithe fingers rubbing slow, poised circles in your jaw. “Maybe I’ve been too nice,” He started, his pout practically audible. You could’ve been sick, if you weren’t so focused on gritting your teeth and trying not to give him another reason to show his sympathy. “That’s it, yeah? I’ve been treating this like it’s just a dream, you still think it’s just a dream. I’ve let you have fun and move on when things get too hard, I’ve been soft. That was my mistake, though. I shouldn’t punish you for it.”

You didn’t indulge him with a response. Alastor didn’t seem to care.

“Think of this as… your new reality. Usually, people talk themselves into it. They crack after the first few rounds, they tell themselves it’ll be fine, they’ll just find a new way to get away. I don’t have to let things get so ugly.” He let out a breathy chuckle, the sound stifled as he kissed your forehead. You writhed, attempt to keep him at bay, but Alastor didn’t care. He couldn’t care. You weren’t sure why you’d ever expected him to. “You’re stubborn, and I like that about you, I really do, but I’m hungry. You understand that, right? I’m so, so hungry. That’s why I’m not going to let you move on, not until I decide you can.”

“And if I die?” The question was venomous, practically spat. You struggled, jerking at your bonds, but the belts only tightened, biting into your skin and burning, more than leather and steel should’ve. “We’ve done this before, Alastor, you’re predictable. I die, I always die.”

“Not this time.” His smile was back, now, a grin pulling at the corners of his lips and a hint of something playful edging its way into his tone. “It doesn’t matter if you’re gutted or stabbed or if I drain every drop of blood from you’re body, I’m in charge. If I don’t want you to die, you’re not going to. It’s going to be agonizing, and it’s going to keep going until I decide you’ve had enough.” His arms were strung around your neck in a matter of seconds, dragging you into his chest and forcing you to let him squeeze and peck and laugh, his excitement boiling over without warning. “You like horror movies, don’t you? Have you seen Misery or Saw, or - oh, god, Martyrs! This is going to be fun, it’s going to be so fun! I have this plot I’ve wanted to use for a while, too, you’ll love him. He’s just so--”

“You’re going to torture me?” You were fighting blindly, now, not caring that your fingertips were going numb or how tightly Alastor was content to hold you. Your discomfort secondary, as long as it meant getting him away from you. “That won’t make me love you. That won’t make me want to be with you. I’ll only hate you more… it’s going to hurt, and I’m going to hate you for it.”

His grip around you loosened, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t even flinch as a cart began to rattle from somewhere deep in the warehouse, approaching steadily. You doubted you’d be left to suffer in solitude, this time.

He’d never really liked watching from a distance.

“You’ll have to love me,” He whispered, pulling away and straightening his back. Letting you see that wide, ruthless smile properly. “I’m the only one who can make it stop.”

#yandere #yandere love #yandere x you #yandere x reader #yandere prompt #yandere imagines #yandere imgaines #yandere scenerio #yandere scenarios #yandere oneshot #yandere drabble #yandere drabbles #yandere prompts #yandere fanfiction #yandere fantasy #yandere oc #yandere ocs #yandere oc x reader #yandere demon #yandere demon x reader #demon x reader #yandere incubus #yandere succubus #yandere monster #monster x reader #monster x you #yandere monster x reader #yanderecore #yandere core

[creepyimagines]

Hey! I hope you're having a good day! I was wondering if I could request some headcanons for the three (3) proxies and EJ on how they would react/do if they had a crush on a someone that is crushing on another creep? Thank you 🦊

[[No problemo!!!! And for future reference for other proxy asks, Tim and Brian, in my opinion, switch between Masky/Hoodie and themselves not too often but mainly when they're not working. So I'll prolly do Tim and Masky and then Brian and Hoodie separate so extra content for yall! Consider it a gift because I've been gone for so long and have a weird posting schedule or lack thereof]]

{Masky}

-Masky doesn't take rejection very well, direct or not.

-He'd be angry and upset. Not at the creep you like and definitely not at you. But more so with himself.

- He nearly never gets crushes, and even when he does, he tries to ignore his feelings as to not let them interfere with his work. He's very closed off

- So when he finds out you like someone else, he kicks himself for even entertaining the thought of liking you in the first place.

- If you two were friends before, he'd try avoiding you for a while. If you're lucky, he might start coming back into your life after a few weeks. He just needs time to get over it.

- He respects your decision though, and he recognizes how little a crush could mean, but he still likes you.

- No matter who you choose, if you 'choose' anyone at all, he will still like you no matter how much he wishes he didn't.

[[While I was writing this, "Heather" by Conan Gray came on and yaknow if yaknow]]

{Tim}

-My dude would legit be chill and understanding.

-He is obviously disappointed and upset, but if you were to get together with the other creep, he wouldn't actively avoid you or act in spite of you two.

- Tim would most likely not fall too hard for you if I'm being honest, so he thinks it might have been for the best.

- He also thinks that it's a sign he shouldn't simp over you and this just gives him a reason to slowly stop thinking so much about you so he isnt as torn up about it.

- Definitely still likes you, as a friend or more, but ultimately respects whatever decision you make.

- Drinks his 'Respect Others Juice' daily. Himbo energy if I'm being honest.

{Hoodie}

- It's hard to tell what he's feeling

- He's not as closed off as Masky is by a long shot.

- But he's not very vocal at all. He nearly never talks and when he's fronting, he doesn't take his mask off. So every emotion he feels is a complete toss up and there's virtually no way to tell from someone that either can't read his mind or knows him well. Which rules out everyone except Slender and Masky respectively.

- In reality, he's conflicted. He trusts your decisions and such, but he's also a little possessive.

-Hoodie thinks you deserve someone better than the other creep. Someone like himself. He's bastard baby, but like....Im not even sure. He's a very hard character to define and write for. But that's why I like him. Sorry for hardly any answer but thats just Hoodie for you.

{Brian}

- Brian is baby but he also drinks his 'Respect Others Juice' everyday.

- He's honestly not as upset as you'd think. If you wanted to, he'd talk with you about your crush and be a gossip friend. He's happy you found someone you like, weather that's him or not.

- There's not much else to say about him other than that he's just a pure man who has no ill-intent towards you or the creep you like.

- That is, unless that creep hurts you in any way.

- Then he's ready to fucking go, no matter if sucks at combat or not. It wouldn't take much convincing for Hoodie to teach the creep a lesson if Brian asked him to via post-it note or something similar.

{Toby}

- Okay I'm judt starting off by saying he has the vibes of "Chad" from those SNL Skits.

- Hes supportive like Brian is, but his bipolar mood swings prevent him from always acting like it.

- Especially when he first finds out you have a crush on someone else. He can't help get upset and storm off from wherever he was and go to blow off some steam before calmimg down.

- None of the creeps are mentally stable enough to healthily express their feelings and let their frustration out, so I can't exactly get mad at him.

- He confronts you about it and when you confirm it, he tries his best to just nod and let it be.

- Toby will need some time to get over you and he feels emotionally numb for a few days having his ups and downs more frequently. But eventually, he balances back out and comes back to apologise to you about how he acted before.

{Eyeless Jack}

- Now, because Jack is a demon and has next to no recollection of his past human life, he has no idea how to express what he feels.

- He didn't even know that he had a crush on you until he heard about your crush on the other creep. He felt an unnatural wave of frustration and irritation he didn't understand.

- Jack will definitely look to confide in you. He asks you about the crush, what it exactly feels like, and how to pin point how he's feeling.

- Hes grateful for any response and help you give him. Afterwards, Jack might be a little bit mkre upset than he was before. But he has a more expanded knowledge of his emotions now and finds it easier to articulate how he's feeling, thanks to you.

- Respects your decision like a true man and will be there for you if you need anything no matter what. He's just a little protective over you.

#mod x #my writing #headcanons #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta #marble hornets #masky #tim wright #tim mh headcanons #tim mh #masky mh #brian thomas #brian mh headcanons #hoodie #hoodie mh #toby #ticci toby #ticci toby headcanons #eyeless jack #eyeless jack hcs #eyeless jack headcanons #eyeless jack creepypasta #creepypasta x reader

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

Since You’ve Been Gone (i’ve been falling apart)

Ao3

Summary: It’s been a week. It’s been a week and Patton’s not sure how much longer he can take this. Content: Worry, mentions of sleep deprivation + nightmares, some crying, Roman and Patton betrayed me to lip-kiss so that happens once Pairing: Royality Notes: This is the amos minific for @art-chive who requested any ship with the prompt "I've been falling apart (without you)" // "You know i'll always be there to catch you". I hope this suffices!

~

    Patton wasn’t doing okay. Patton hadn’t been doing okay for a few days- if he was being honest, Patton hadn’t been doing okay for a week.

    Because it was on Sunday that Roman had disappeared into the Imagination, off to fight some villain or find some figment, promising Patton he’d be back Monday. Patton wouldn’t even notice he’d been gone, Roman promised, to which Patton replied he always noticed when his prince was away. And Roman had laughed and kissed him and told him he’d be back soon.

    And now it was Monday. Not the Monday Roman had promised he’d come back, no- the Monday after that one.

    So Patton wasn’t doing okay.

    At first, he had been fine. Worried, but fine. It wasn’t exactly unlike Roman to be back a day or two late, so when Roman didn’t show up when he said he would, Patton had managed to convince himself all was fine. Roman was just running a little late, that was all.

    And then Tuesday had come and gone, Roman still nowhere to be found, and Patton was officially worried.

    The others had tried to help and distract him, with board games and movie nights and family dinners and any other activities they could find, but it only worked so much. They couldn’t stop Patton from constantly glancing towards Roman’s room, waiting for his prince to emerge, couldn’t stop Patton from getting distracted by his own thoughts of where Roman could be, couldn’t stop Patton from missing him no matter what they were doing.

    The days were hard enough, trying to stay in the moment and focus on Virgil and Logan and Janus instead of Roman and Roman’s room and Where Was Roman, but the nights were worse by a mile. His bed was empty and cold, and it was always his- normally, he and Roman would switch off who’s room they slept in night per night, but now, it was always Patton’s bed- always Patton’s Roman-less bed.

    And now… it was Monday. A week since Roman should have been home, a week since Patton should’ve been able to hug Roman and hold him and kiss him, a week since Patton had last been doing anything close to okay.

    Patton wasn’t sure where the others were, but he didn’t care either. He hadn’t cared about anything much since Saturday. He was tired, restless nights spent tossing and turning and looking for a warmth that wasn’t there until he woke up sweating and shaking from nightmares trying to tell him why that warmth was gone having drained him of what little energy he still had. He was tired and he was lonely and he just wanted Roman to be home.

    Right then, he was curled up in an armchair, sipping at tea that had long since gone cold. He had made it in an attempt to warm himself up, but it was the wrong type of warm and it did little good against the numbness in his chest. He knew he should move, go to his room and get some work done, but he didn’t want to move. It was easier to sit and wallow and think about how the chair was made for one but it was so much nicer to sit in with two.

    Before he could try and force himself to get up, however, Patton was drawn out of his thoughts by the sound of a door opening. He glanced back towards the hallway, but he couldn’t tell what door had opened. It was probably just one of the others.

    But it could also be-

    Flighty, useless, head-strong hope fluttered in his chest and Patton pushed himself out of the chair, dropping his cold tea on the coffee table as he headed towards the hallway. Despite the fact that he knew it was unlikely, he couldn’t help but entertain hope, entertain the thought that it was Roman, that it was Roman and he was okay and he was here and he was home and he was-

    Lost in his thoughts, Patton didn’t notice the book on the floor, likely left there by Logan or Janus. His foot caught on it and he tripped, unable to catch himself as he headed for the floor…

    ...but he never hit it.

    Instead, arms, warm arms, familiar warm arms caught him, wrapping underneath his own and giving him back the balance he had just lost. Above him, the owner of the arms chuckled, a sound that was still as musical as it was the first time Patton had heard it, even more so now. “I know that you’ve fallen for me, dearheart, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it literally.”

    Though by then Patton knew who it was that was holding him- he’d know his prince anywhere and anytime- he still jerked his head up, desperate to be sure, to know this wasn’t a trick or a dream or a nightmare. But it wasn’t, and Roman was there, smiling softly and charmingly and looking a little dirty and a little tired but he was there, he was really there and holding Patton and Patton was holding him and he was there.

    Patton threw himself at Roman as well as he could, arms wrapping around Roman’s chest and holding him as close as possible, burying his face against Roman’s neck and trying to take in as much of every single aspect of Roman as he could, as if letting go for even a second would cause him to vanish like a mirage. Roman returned the embrace barely a moment after Patton had initiated it, cradling Patton and allowing him to hold as close as he wanted.

    “Hey, sunshine, it’s okay.” Roman murmured softly, teasing tone replaced for one that was tender and caring. He started to move his hands over Patton’s back, trying to soothe him, and Patton realized he had started shaking. “I’m here, I’m okay, we’re okay.”

    “I’ve been falling apart.” Patton blurted out, meaning to make it a joke, a pun, a play on his fall, but he couldn’t do it, because it was true, he had been falling apart and he had been so worried and afraid and lonely without Roman and-

    “Oh, come now, Pat,” Roman said, tone light yet sincere, “you know I’ll always be there to catch you.”

    And despite the fact that Roman had clearly meant that to be comforting, Patton still started crying. Not because he was upset, of course, but because Roman was here and close and Roman was going to catch him every time he fell and really the only proper response to all the pent up fear and worry and sudden happiness was to sob into his beloved’s shoulder.

    “Oh, shh, it’s okay, love, you can cry, it’s okay, come on, let’s sit down, okay? I love you, it’s okay, you’re okay, shh.” Roman said, continuing to softly reassure Patton even as he moved them over to the couch. The minute they were seated, Patton shifted so that he was in Roman’s lap, still holding tight to Roman as he continued to cry and Roman continued to comfort him.

    Eventually, Patton sobs died off, and he pulled away from Roman’s shoulder. Roman smiled at him once more, all charm and soft edges. “Hey there, teddy bear.” Roman said, eliciting a small giggle from Patton. “How are you feeling?”

    Patton didn’t answer at first, instead choosing to hold Roman’s face in both his hands, cupping his cheeks and looking over his face as if he was trying to memorize it forever. “I missed you.” He said, simply, knowing that Roman would hear all the hidden meaning behind those simple three words without him having to explain them.

    Roman placed a hand over one of Patton’s. “I know, sweetheart.” He said apologetically. “I got caught up fighting some nightmares and lost my way. I didn’t mean to worry you so.”

    “You should’ve taken someone with you.” Patton said as he leaned forward, pressing a kiss against Roman’s forehead. “Virgil would’ve been willing to go if you told him you really needed his help.” He kissed both sides of Roman’s face. “Logan still has his spear from the last time he accidentally got caught up in the Imagination.” He moved his hands so he could kiss Roman’s cheeks too. “I would’ve come if you had let me.”

    “I know, I-” Roman laughed a little as Patton kissed his chin, “angel, you know I can’t think when you’re kissing me.”

    Patton kissed Roman’s nose. “I have a whole week’s worth of kisses to make up for.” Patton told him, pausing for a moment so that he could tuck a stray strand of Roman’s hair behind his ear, staring into Roman’s eyes while he was at it. “No offense, honey, but I’m not going to stop so that you can think.”

    “Oh, so cruel, lovebug.” Roman teased before he leaned forward, using the fact that Patton had been distracted by his eyes to steal himself a proper kiss. As soon as he realized what was happening, Patton returned the gesture, arms moving to wrap around the back of Roman’s neck as he kissed back, trying to make up for every kiss he had lost while Roman was away.

    “I’m sorry I was gone so long.” Roman said when they finally broke apart, Patton resting his forehead against Roman’s, still holding him close.

    “I know.” Patton told him, pressing a quick kiss to the corner of Roman’s lips. “And I forgive you. Just… don’t do it again?”

    Roman’s arms tightened where they were wrapped around Patton’s waist. “Never.” He promised, tone solemn, and Patton nodded, content as he turned his head and rested it against Roman’s shoulder, letting out a small yawn as he did so.

    “Good.” He said, snuggling against Roman, ignoring as his prince chuckled.

    “I think it’s bedtime, for you, my heart.” Roman said, shifting his hold on Patton so that he was cradling him against his chest as he stood. Patton didn’t have any protest, only snuggling in closer to Roman’s chest as he began to drift off, sleep finally willing to return peacefully to him now that Roman was safe and Patton was the right kind of warm. He didn’t even need to open his eyes to know Roman had taken them into his room, the familiarity of it not having faded in the week Roman had been gone.

    He did stir, however, when Roman placed him down on his bed and retreated. Almost immediately, Patton was sitting up blinking in the dark room and reaching out blindly for Roman. “Roman? Baby? Don’t leave me please-”

    Someone caught one of his hands, holding it in theirs, and Patton calmed, leaning towards Roman as he got into bed as well. “Hush, love, it’s alright, I just had to put your glasses away.”

    Patton nodded a bit but, in all honesty, he didn’t care why Roman had been gone for a moment, only caring that he was there now. He once more pressed against Roman’s chest as his prince laid them both down, holding Patton and allowing him to cuddle as close as he wanted.

    Although it was light, Patton could feel Roman plant a kiss against the top of his head, murmuring, “There you go, darling, it’s alright now. You can rest. I’ll still be here when you wake, I promise.”

    And knowing that was one promise nothing could stop Roman from keeping, Patton relaxed against him, falling asleep surrounded by the warmth he hoped he’d never have to miss again.

#royality #ts roman #ts patton #ts sides #sanders sides #fanfic #fanfiction #the cryptid speaks #amos minific #art-chive #ren #i don't like the beginning of this that much but i think most of it is pretty good #*shakes head at the lip kiss* don't know what that eyesore is doing here tho /j

[remingt0nleith]

thorns | remington leith

try & find the hidden palaye royale song title in the fic! & additional A/N at the end. 

A/N: hi wow long time no write :( SORRY! I have ideas and I try to write then my brain just doesn’t want to put the ideas on the word document. + y’know having depression doesn’t help things bleh... BUT I did write a full something finally (yay bare minimum author things!) This was requested! gonna keep trying to turn out requests & work on dark cherries also my birthday is on thursday and i’m turning 24 (wow im getting old help) & also the bastards comes out the day after so yay! lets chat about it when its out ok?

Request: Where Remington cheats on the reader and she finds out, but he does everything he can to get her back? 

Thorns - A Remington Leith one-shot. || 1.9K words || under cut.

The catalyst for a ruined night came in a round of shots. Emerson poured the amber liquid into hot pink shot glasses that the boys had picked up days prior. Remington wasted no time in downing his, barely flinching at the bitter taste that now coated his tongue. 

“Slow down there, cowboy” 

Sebastian laughed before throwing his own shot back, placing a hand on Remington’s cheetah print covered shoulder.

“We can’t have our lead singer fucked up out of his mind, can we?” 

The eldest brother chided playfully as he took the bottle from Emerson and poured more shots.

As the brothers drank and talked anxiously about their first show of a new tour, Remington’s phone buzzed in his back pocket, taking it out he suppressed an eye-roll at the message filling his screen;

My Love <3: HEY BABY JUST WANT TO WISH U LUCK TONIGHT YOU’LL KILL IT. LOVE U. 

He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him lately, usually, he’d be thrilled at the love and adoration his girlfriend of three years was showing him. She was always cheering him on, listening to his music, and supporting his band in every way she could. Although she was unable to come to most shows due to a fast-paced work schedule she always made a point to let the band of brothers know they had her support. That should’ve been enough to keep Remington happy but recently he had become cold towards his girlfriend and as he put his phone away without responding all thoughts of her disappeared as well. 

Remington headed backstage after the show still high from the performance. The adrenaline from the encouraging crowd and kick-ass concert his band delivered had Remington feeling happier than he had in months. Once in the dressing room, the boys quickly changed out of their sweaty stage attire into more relaxed outfits, and like clockwork, shots were once again being handed out.

Once everyone had a decent buzz going the boys and their crew headed out to a nearby nightclub to celebrate the success of the show. Remington realized halfway to the club that he had forgotten his phone in the dressing room, a fact that didn’t phase him, in fact he was happy to be rid of the constant ringing. 

Once inside the packed club, Remington waved goodbye to his brothers and made his way to the bar.  His buzz had diminished slightly in the car ride and that was a no go for Remington so he ordered a drink, which quickly became two, then three before he headed to the dance floor. 

Packed in a sea of bodies the singer danced to the music, enjoying the happiness that came from the night’s events as well as the alcohol in his system. When a manicured hand grabbed him and pulled him close, he didn’t object, instead, he wrapped his arms around the dark-haired beauty. 

The pair danced together to the techno music blaring overhead, strobe lights illuminating their faces, hands roaming freely over each other’s bodies before the woman leaned in and planted a sloppy kiss to Remington’s lips. 

If there was a moment of panic, a spark of recognition somewhere in the sober part of his mind, Remington ignored it. Instead, he deepened the kiss with the gorgeous stranger, when the pair eventually pulled away from the kiss, they headed to the bar for more drinks. 

When Sebastian came to let Remington know it was time to head to the hotel, the frontman wasted no time in asking this new girl if she’d like to go with him. Much to the dismay of the older (and wiser) brother, she said yes and everyone piled into the van and were chauffeured back to the hotel to continue the party. 

Morning light filtered through the window a sign of a new day, but as Remington opened his eyes the gravity of last night hit him. He was alone in his hotel bed, the white sheets crumpled and covered in streaks of makeup (his or hers, he wasn’t sure). Flashbacks of last night filled his mind and all at once he realized the hickeys on his body were from a stranger, the realization filled him with shame and dread. 

He found his phone which had been placed on his nightstand by one of his brothers or their touring manager (who always cleaned up after the boys’ wild nights) and on it were several unread texts and calls which came in at varying points of the evening. 

[9:13 pm] My Love <3: It should be time for u boys to be on stage! I’ll be stalking twitter for updates and vids love u 

[12:02 am] My Love <3: Watched a ton of vids that are already being posted! Get back to me when u get this my love so proud of u xx 

[3:56 am] My Love <3: Guess your phone died or your out celebrating a great night. Call me when you see this or wake up. I love you. 

[10:20 am] 5 missed calls

[10:27 am] *attached photo* REMINGTON.... FUCK YOU.

The photo on his phone screen displayed the girl from last night under the covers as a passed out Remington slept beside her. The caption didn’t say anything besides a winking emoji and she tagged him and his band’s account. 

Instantly, he was dialing his girlfriend’s number, hands shaking as he paced around the spacious hotel room desperately waiting for an answer.

“Hello?” 

Rose answered, soft voice hoarse from hours of crying. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry..” 

Remington started to explain, words tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could form them.

“Save it” 

Rose snapped before continuing her voice harder and more assured now than it was just moments ago. 

“I never thought you’d do this even as the band started to gain an audience, I told myself that I had nothing to worry about. All the pretty girls and boys didn’t matter because what we had was strong but it sucks being proven wrong huh?” 

Remington’s sudden surge of tears prevented him from speaking as the pain in his chest grew with each word. The saddest part of it all was that she was right and that ripped him up inside. 

“Rose I-” 

he whispered, voice barely audible even to himself. 

Instead of an answer he was left hearing the sound of the call disconnecting. 

The tour passed by in a daze for Remington and while his brothers desperately wanted him to be more present, they understood. He’d get on stage and sing, forgetting about the pain in his heart for that hour or so, as soon as the curtain closed the ache in his chest was back, a cruel reminder to the life-changing mistake he’d made.

Rose had cut off all contact with her now ex-boyfriend instead choosing to go through Emerson to inform him she was moving out of their shared apartment in LA. 

Each night in his hotel bed, memories of the past three years filtered through his brain until he exhaustingly cried himself to sleep. 

Remington used Emerson’s phone to send a series of texts to Rose to apologize, to accept full responsibility but the only reply he received was instructions to give Emerson his phone back and to leave her alone.

Just as quickly as the tour started it was now coming to a close a few months later. The boys were back in LA for a sold-out show in typical Los Angeles fashion. Remington never stopped trying to get ahold of Rose -- he sent flowers to her new address, letters where he begged for her back, apologizing and pleading for her forgiveness yet he was never awarded a reply. He didn’t blame her at all but that didn’t mean the pain hurt any less, he’d do anything for a second chance. 

Shots of vodka were taken, cheers and high fives were given and the boys hit the stage.  Remington gazed out into the crowd, a see of silhouettes behind bright stage lights.  After a few songs, Remington sat down at the end of the stage, dark boots quietly thumping against the side. 

“Y’know fans like to think we’re perfect” 

he stated which earned a chorus of “I love you’s” as well as cheers from the crowd. 

He smiled before continuing, 

“As much as I love to hear it, it’s not true and sometimes we royally fuck up. I fucked up and these past few months have been hell so I wrote this song.”

The crowd applauded as they watched their favorite singer head to the piano, the spotlight shining on him as he sat down. 

“This song is called Thorns,” 

Remington began to play a hauntingly slow ballad about losing the love of your life and how apart of you is lost as well. 

The pain in my heart is defeating me

Cracking me open for all to see

I’m numb to life, deep inside

Needing you to realize, you’re the better part of me

An illusion of love is what I fear

Taking each step is now unclear

A rose garden in my dreams,

You leaving now in front of me

Take my heart it’s filled with thorns

A rose trapped inside a perfect storm

Throw me to the wolves I’m on my knees

Begging for my rose to please believe

I made a mistake that I can see

Yet this pain without you is deafening

My heart of thorns cuts me deep 

Paralyzing me and making me weak

Please my rose I beg you, have sympathy.

The rose garden in my dreams,

But you’re leaving right now in front of me

Take my heart it’s filled with thorns

A rose trapped inside a perfect storm

Throw me to the wolves I’m on my knees

Begging my rose to please believe 

I love you Rose it’s all I know, I’m sorry for all my sorrow

By the time the song ended, Remington had tears blurring his vision. He was so wrapped up in playing the song he didn’t realize he had started to cry but to the audience that just made it so much more beautiful. 

After the show, Remington hurried off the stage in order to collect his emotions but in the dressing room sat Rose. Her blonde hair was curled and she wore a red dress and in a true movie moment a dozen roses sat in her lap. 

“Rem that song…” 

she started but before she could finish, Remington ran over and threw his arms around her, hugging her to make sure she wasn’t just a figment of his imagination.

“I’m so sorry”

he whispered once she hugged back. 

“The flowers were from Seb” 

Rose mumbled, green eyes flicking down to them after their hug. Sebastian must have ordered them because he knew what Remington was planning. That was his older brother alright, always playing the papa bear role. 

The singer’s mind was racing a mile a minute, he had a million questions but all he could do was apologize. 

Rose shushed him with a chaste kiss before speaking,

“By no means have I forgiven you completely. That song however beautiful doesn’t make everything go away but I’m willing to work on us”

Remington nodded, happy she was here and willing to give their relationship another shot.

“I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” 

he whispered, wrapping her in another hug.

They knew it would be a long road to get back to where they were before but Remington was happy he had his Rose back in his life. 

xx

A/N: omg that song was not that good I came up with it on my own though and I’m not a lyricist lol hope u enjoyed xx 

#remington leith fic #remington leith imagine #remington leith #request #palaye royale fic #palaye royale imagine

[knicole0527]

How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .

[flowerbeom]

What I Wouldn’t Give | Part 3: Home

Im Jaebeom x Female!Reader

Genre: Stylist AU. Fluff. Smut

Warnings: Some swearing, soft sex.

Words: 5.5k

Concept:  A story where a heartsick, pining and ‘hopelessly in love with his stylist’ Jaebeom finds himself in an awkward situation in the house of the stylist who’s equally heart sick and hopelessly in love with him. But neither of them know… yet.

A/N: Part 3. Please enjoy. It was all too consuming while writing it so I’m glad it’s done. Thank you to every who has hyped up this story and loved it and all that good stuff. I hope you all like how it ends. Now if you please excuse me... *runs into a wall to cure my heartache* 

Part 1: The Right Fit

Part 2: The Wrap Party

Part 3: Home

Song Mood: Call My Name by WOOGIE, G.Soul

- - - - -

You were falling deeper and deeper into the onyx pools that held your stare. The light that filled your home made a hazel ring shine in his irises that you had never seen before, and if wasn’t for the insurmountable tremble clamping your hands to your sides, you would have taken his face in your hands and pulled it closer for a better look. Jaebeom was mesmerizing. But you had always known that. And as painful as it was to look at him, you couldn’t look away.

“Would I like a what?” He said in a whisper, his breath coated over your lips and you felt your lungs rattle. His eyes were still, as was his body, yet there was a shiver in his breath. Your brain sent a violent jolt down your body, a very physical reminder to breathe. 

“A..” Breathe. “A dri..” One more, you’re turning purple. “A drink!” Jaebeom muffled the laugh that tried to break free into a choke in his throat. Completely taken with the way you blinked with every syllable, Jaebeom could only accept your offer with a nod. 

Though something was amiss. The offer was accepted though any action was yet to be made as you both stood frozen by your door. The hem of your dress whispered against this knees and the zip of his jacket grazed against your shoulder. The very notion of moving was something completely lost on you and something needed to happen to break you out of the spell you had put each other under. Something drastic. Something extreme. Something like Jaebeom’s phone ringing in his pocket. 

The sharp ting of the ring made you jump and the vibration against his leg made him shiver. Finally, the stare was broken, Jaebeom fighting with his clammy hands to pull out his phone. 

“It’s Jinyoung.” A little startled.

“Oh, okay.” A little flustered.

“I’ll take it outside.” A little embarrassed.

“Sure.” A bit of the same. 

You zigged when he zagged. Crossed when he weaved and fumbled around each other to let each other pass. In the midst of the scuffle his hand slid across your waist while yours slid down his arm; your eyes averted all contact and you finally pushed passed each other - hoping that the small amount of time it took for Jaebeom to take the call would be enough for both of you to regain composure. Unlikely.

Jaebeom pressed his back into the door after letting himself out, head tipping back to open his throat to heave in a breath he had needed since you pulled all the air out of his lungs when he was too close to almost kissing you. He answered the call one ring away from going straight to voicemail.

“Jinyoung-ah.”

“Don’t mess this up.” His hand raked back his hair, jaw clenched. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jaebeom heard Jinyoung grumble down the line, the frustrated grimace he would have made flashing in Jaebeom’s mind as clear as day. 

“You know you’re exactly the same, right? You and her. One in the same. Stubborn. Headstrong. Pathetically blind.”

“Excuse me?!” Jaebeom was pacing, two steps one way then two steps back. Angry he was being insulted, but far more infuriated that you were too. 

“You are the only two people in the world who don’t see it.” Jinyoung had no patience for pleasantries now. 

“What?”

“That you’re in love with each other.” Jaebeom had more to say, but had forgotten it all. His jaw had dropped and his feet were still. Stripped of words and retorts; he fell silent. 

“Hyung, listen to me. You have loved her for far too long. And she feels the same way.”

“No, she doe-”

“Shut up and let me speak. She shows it to you in so many ways and you fail to see it because you’re so caught up in your own feelings.” Jaebeom couldn’t respond, He couldn’t tell if it was because of what Jinyoung had said or because he couldn’t feel his own heart beat. Maybe he couldn’t feel it because he had left it inside with you. Either way, his thoughts were tearing him apart.

“Hyung. Listen to me. She loves you. Everyone can see it, everybody knows it. So just...just tell her already.” Jaebeom stood with his back to the door, staring at the moon for who knows how long after Jinyoung hung up. He sighed heavily, as if that low hanging drop of silver light was telling him the same things he had just heard, but all he could see was your face in it’s reflection. All he could ever see was you. Though, not for the want of trying, apparently he hadn’t seen much at all. So with a labouring breath and a rough hand rubbed against his chest, he went back inside.

“Sorry that took so long.” Jaebeom paused in the middle of your living room after spotting you with your head in the fridge. From the moment he stepped outside, to the moment his voice swirled around your apartment, you had been doubled over, leaning into the fridge. You wanted to say that you were looking for the beverage you had offered him earlier, but you were just trying to cool down. You had been staring at a jar of pickles, giving yourself a pep talk to no avail and found the recycled air did little to calm your nerves. Filling your cheeks with air, you pulled back from the shelves and turned towards the living room. 

“I don’t seem to have anything other than wine..” You admitted in a voice so small you feared Jaebeom wouldn’t have heard you. 

“That’s okay.” It was more than okay. It was almost ideal. Jaebeom needed the extra push to lower his inhibitions. 

Pulling two glasses from your cupboard, you crossed to the dining table. You yanked out the cork from the bottle of wine you had half emptied earlier that night and smelt the puff of pinot noir waft into your nostrils. You poured one portion into his glass and only half of one into yours. Swollen ankles weren’t the only thing you’d have to content with if you drank anymore; it wasn’t the night to be loose lipped. 

Though as you tamped the cork back into the bottle, through the corner of your eye you caught Jaebeom still standing aimlessly in the middle of your living room. 

“You can sit.” His eyes shot in your direction, his head following slowly after. Your glass ladened hand pointed to the couch, his hips turning before his chest did. 

“Ah, ahh yep.” His leather jacket slid slowly down his arms and you tried not to watch. You had seen it thousands of times before. In and out of clothes. On and off of jackets. Muscles tensing under skin as they caught the light. But it was never a sight you tired of. So you let yourself stare, right up until his face was looking back at yours as he lowered to sit on your couch. 

You stopped on the other side of the coffee table, leaning forward to place his glass down. Just as your fingers had slipped away, his hand reached forward; latching onto your palm with a grip so tender you thought he might have mistaken you for glass. 

“You still have this?” A fretful tone, one that pierced your chest and split your lungs apart.

“Still have what..?” Jaebeom’s thumb grazed over the white calloused skin that wrapped over your wrist bone. “Oh, the scar?” 

“The hair stylist didn’t see you trying to fix my tie and went in with the straightener. Burnt you really badly. I can still hear the way you screamed.” His voice was soft but carried pain. Yours or his, you weren’t sure. His eyes were steady on your wrist as his thumb smoothed over the raised skin. Gently, delicately tracing over the scar as if to help it fade.

“That-that was over three years ago. How do you still remember that?” You were trembling, evident in the red wine rippling in the glass in your other hand. Jaebeom’s thumb stopped on the high point of your wrist, his fingers pressing into your palm; his eyes lifting to meet yours. Jaebeom hesitated, a million reasons racing around his mind. Just tell her. So, he did. 

“I-I… I remember everything about you.” A thick swallow. A thick, heavy swallow tracked down your throat and burned through your chest. He looked at you with so much tenderness you could feel your skin starting to melt off your bones. You didn’t know what to say. You had no idea what to do. All you could do was drop to your knees and place your glass down; his hand still holding yours from across the coffee table. 

Seeing the way your eyes couldn’t find a spot to rest on his face, Jaebeom slowly took his hand away; the feeling equally as relieving as it was distressing. It wasn’t because you couldn’t stand the way he looked at you, the very opposite in fact. You wanted to get lost in the way his eyes enveloped you in their gaze and never leave, but you could feel your brain start to warp with the lack of oxygen, his stare too entracing for you to breathe normally. You felt your dress cinch into your waist with every breath you drew and wanted nothing more than to be out of it. Pushing off the coffee table to stand, Jaebeom watched you with expectant eyes. 

“Do you..do you mind if I just get changed?” A lump pulled on Jaebeom’s vocal chords and his reply was nothing but a hitched breath and a nod. As you turned away, walking at a pace you deemed not an amble and not a sprint, your face contorted to pull in ugly, jagged breathes. He watched you step away, his shirt clinging to his sweat ridden back. Eventually his eyes lowered back down to his hands; one of them numb, the other begging to hold yours once more. 

You made it. Into the safety of your bedroom and relished in the familiarity of the space. You were about to place your bag on the bed but a violent rattle from inside ripped a strangled yelp from your mouth and the bag to fling into the air. Plunging a hand into the bag, you pulled out your ringing phone and answered the call. 

“Are you having fun?”

“Didn’t I tell you fuck off?” Hana sniggered down the line. You muttered expletives in response. 

“Hey, you’re the one who invited him into your apartment like you expected nothing would happen!” She snapped, voice shrill through the receiver. 

“Nothing will happen!” You snapped back. 

“Yes, because you’re a pussy who can’t see that the guy you’ve been pining over for almost half a decade fucking loves you!” Little buzzes of static floated between the line holding you and Hana together, your expression, slack jaw with wide eyes while hers was frustrated fingers kneading her forehead. You assumed, at least. 

“Look, stop denying what you’ve been feeling, especially from him. You’re not stupid. So stop acting like it. Just show him.” 

“Show him what?” 

“Just show him.” Hana offered more pieces of advice but they fell on deaf ears; ending the call with so little as a ‘goodbye’ to mark the conversation over. You sat on the edge of your bed staring at the ceiling until little white dots starting floating around your eyes. Head tipped back between your shoulder blades, you let your arms slide back until your back hit the mattress. 

The tiny hum of the air conditioner made your ears tingle, but as much as you tried to drown it out, all you could hear was Jaebeom. He wasn’t even speaking but you could hear him. You could always hear him, though it seemed you never really listened. So as you bubbled air through pursed lips, you pulled yourself up; a new found resolve overcoming you. But first, you needed to get out of that dress. 

Jaebeom nursed his glass of wine in the cup of his hands. Gazing around your apartment, he dwelled on little spots that showed him the sides of you he had wanted to know for years. Small notions of how your mind worked and what you kept close to your heart; from the way you arranged your shoes by the front door and how the first thing you can see when walking in was a picture of your parents. Jaebeom sat there quietly, and despite the ball of anxiety that pulsed just below his diaphragm, he felt rather content. 

Lifting the glass to his lips, he tipped a small mouthful of liquid into his mouth, his eyes shifting up as he did. And there you were, through a small gap in your bedroom door that you must have failed to close in your haste, he spotted you. Leaning against your arms on the edge of your bed as you stared at the ceiling. Jaebeom lowered his glass, but not his eyes. He watched you slide onto your back as wisps of hair billowed around your face as you fell. 

Enamored, captivated, bewitched. His better sense was telling him to look away, but he couldn’t find the strength to. He watched you sit up to lean forward and pull each one of his socks off your feet. Placing them carefully beside you, he watched you push off your knees to stand and turn to face your bed. 

A dry swallow scratched down Jaebeom’s throat, eyes still peering through the gap in your bedroom door. His eyes followed your hand as it reached behind you; finding the zipper of your dress. Starting from your nape, you slowly pulled the tab down your spine, finishing at the small of your back. Jaebeom’s hands were gripping his glass and he felt a wave of heat travel through his body. 

Starting from his cheeks, to his chest to falling right into his lap; the surge of heat coursed through his veins. Jaebeom’s lips fell open, his eyes glued to your bare back as it caught the light in the most exquisite way. His heart was crashing against his ribs, and just as you slid the dress down your arms to let it cascade onto the floor, Jaebeom finally realised what he was doing; tearing his eyes away from you and straight down between his feet. 

Forcing the glass to his lips, he drained the wine down his throat in one swallow. Catching his breath, his eyes locked on a sketchbook tucked underneath your coffee table. Placing the glass on the table, he reached down and pulled the sketchbook out and rested it next to his glass. Jaebeom debated opening it, but it was rather that than risk staring at you. So, timidly, Jaebeom turned over the cover and gazed at the drawings he found. 

Perfectly proportioned figures, donning outfits he recognised were ones you had dressed him in over the years. Markings and sketches, plans of colour and texture combinations. Lists of well known and lesser known designers filled the margins of each page. As he perused the pages, each of them adorned with the most intricate drawings, he noticed the figures that had been faceless began to acquire features.

With each passing era, more of his likeness were etched onto the pages. Rough sketches of his eyes and lips, then the edge of his nose to the rise of his cheek bones were added in later drawings. Jaebeom couldn’t stop turning the pages. He finally saw what Jinyoung was telling him what he was blind to.

As he approached the last few pages of the sketchbook, the figures no longer wore clothes, they no longer even had bodies. All he saw were almost perfect portraits. Candid, sincere illustrations of his likeness that could only be captured if someone’s heart was truly invested. 

“I see now.” Falling off his lips in a whisper, the warmth that engulfed his body before had now shifted to his heart; his chest swelling with affection. 

“I guess you found my sketchbook.” Jaebeom whipped his head up, finding you standing before him with a sheepish smile illuminating your features. Hair down, fresh face, loose shirt, hands gingerly resting in the pockets of linen shorts, you rocked on your heels; unsure of the expression he was holding.

“Ahh.. yeh. Umm so-sorry should I not be looking at…” He halted when you waved your hands reassuringly. His bottom lip pulled between his teeth upon seeing your eyes folding into crescent moons as a blush tinted your cheeks. It was an involuntary response, your body giving in to any wish he may have had and your hands said it was fine before your mouth could form a response. There was no use taking it back now, you could see the quiver in his hands and the flutter of his lashes and it hurt to see him anxious. There was no use hiding it now. Just show him. So, you did. 

“No, it’s okay. You can look.” You lowered into the armchair beside the couch, sitting on the edge and leaned forward to pull the sketchbook closer towards you. “I mean, why can’t the subject look at the work born of their inspiration.”

Jaebeom felt his entire body tingle. He was staring at how you scanned over your drawings with a subjective eye and wanted to tell you that as beautiful as they were, you were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

“Almost like if you wrote a song about someone, you’d let them listen to it, right?” Yes, a million times yes. That’s exactly what Jaebeom was thinking and as much as he wanted to tell you that every song he had written since he met you had your voice weaved into the notes and the way you made him feel printed onto every lyric, he couldn’t; he was lost in how your finger traced down the edge of his face, even if it was just on paper. 

Your eyes lifted from the page you were fiddling with to gaze into his. The moment was one of enraptured bliss; a second of calm in the storm of passion raging in both your hearts. A silent beat of understanding yet left so many questions unanswered. You were the first to look away, the buzzing in your ears too loud to withstand. Jaebeom found the moment a little overwhelming himself. 

Rising to your feet, you noticed Jaebeom’s empty glass and felt your stomach rumble, enough to chase away the butterflies setting up camp. Your mouth leaped before thought, a common occurrence. 

“Would you like some ramen?” You had taken one step towards the kitchen and froze. Turning your head slowly to meet Jaebeom’s equally confused face; the insinuation of your request was completely lost on you until that very moment. Your mouth dropped as his lips pulled between his teeth; both your eyes shaking in the tension that your simple question had brought on. 

You pulled in a shallow breath, choking on the few words you tried to say. 

“No, I.. just” Your hands scraped back your hair to drop it behind your shoulders.

 “There was no..” Pause. “.. food at the party so…” Dry swallow. “I figured you must be hungry..” Hollow breath. 

Silence. A pregnant pause heavy enough to suffocate even the most patient of persons. You bit down onto your bottom lip and as you stared across the coffee table into Jaebeom’s eyes, you could feel your cheeks lifting. You saw the corners of his eyes begin to crinkle and felt yours mirror them. Then in a flash, you broke; both of you did. Laughter spilled from your mouths and entwined in the air. The tension in the room diffused by the melodic sound of your revelry and Jaebeom rose to his feet; strengthened by the smile on your face. 

“Ramen sounds good. I’ll help you.” 

You pulled out a pot and he filled it with water. You tipped in the noodles and he placed it on the stove. You and Jaebeom floated around each other in your kitchen as if it was the most comfortable thing to do. When he asked for chopsticks you had already grabbed some from a drawer and placed them in his hand just as his tone inflected his sentence into a question. You giggled at the baffled grin he gave you. 

You seemed to move as one, pushing and pulling like tides; always flowing with each other’s current rather than fighting against it. His gentle smile reflected yours and you both felt light, easy, settled; as if you had finally come home. 

You placed bowls on the table and refilled your empty glasses with wine. Jaebeom followed closely after, placing the pot of ramen in the middle of the table and scooted his chair forward to sit across from you. Balancing chopsticks within your fingers, Jaebeom nodded before picking up his own. 

“Ah shit.” Standing rather abruptly, you rounded the table. Striding past Jaebeom, he held out his hand on instinct, his fingertips brushing your bare thigh as you passed. Jaebeom shuddered, the softness of your skin, the warmth radiating beneath it. Jaebeom was slowly losing it, unraveling at the seams while seated at your dining table. He tensed his jaw, begging himself to hold it together. But you, in all your naive charm wouldn’t let him. 

“I forgot I had fishcakes.” Holding onto the back of his chair, you leaned over his shoulder; placing the container next to his bowl. You were so close that your hair fell over his chest and he could breathe in your perfume and how it mixed with your skin; his eyes fluttering shut at how deeply it affected him. 

As you moved to step away, your hair pulled over his shoulder like silk; gliding over his neck and he was done. Pushing his chair back suddenly, you jumped when his hand shot forward to grab your wrist; turning you back around to face him. 

The tether holding his sanity ashore had snapped, and it was swiftly pulled away by the surging waves of passion overcoming him. He had waited long enough, endured long enough; been stupid long enough. He couldn't understand why you both had been this way, not now when he could see the love he held for you reflected in your eyes. 

"What’re we doing?" Jaebeom’s voice was unsteady. His fingers soft yet strong around your wrist. 

“We’re...we’re about to eat.” You saw your words travel through him and land in the pit of his stomach. 

“No.” His other hand lifted to fill the empty space occupying yours. Pulling you forward to stand in the gap between his knees, Jaebeom looked up at you and he held every ounce of your attention. 

“What are we doing?” Holding both your hands in his, you stared into Jaebeom’s eyes; a universe of questions swirling behind them and you were the only one who could give him answers. He pulled you closer again, his fingers sliding into the gaps between yours, hoping you’d feel grounded enough to answer him. 

“I…” Five years of denial came to slap you in the face and as you felt Jaebeom’s fingerprints imprint onto your skin, you knew there was no use in doing so anymore. 

“I honestly don’t know.” You breathed in and Jaebeom’s lungs filled with air. 

“Apparently, no one does either.” You laughed at his candor, giving Jaebeom the spark to pull you in closer. There wasn’t much space between you, Jaebeom could very well rest his head on your chest and you would have simply let him. You would comb your fingers through his hair and held him in your arms, but the way he held your stare signaled there was still so much air to clear. 

“You know, it hurts.” His jaw ticking as he breathed in through his nose, his hands gripping yours as if he was afraid you’d run away. 

“It hurts seeing you everyday and not running to you. It hurts being so close to you and not holding you. It hurts loving…” Jaebeom’s eyes sealed shut, as if saying that last word had filled his mouth with poison. But he swallowed it down, pulling in the breath you had shakily exhaled. 

“It hurts loving you the way I do. I love you so much that I can feel my heart tearing into pieces whenever you walk away.” You could feel him shake, his breathing became erratic and his eyes were darting across your face. Every word, every single drop of sound that fell off his trembling lips cleaved away at the wall you had built around your heart and every part of your ached to ease his shivering. You loved him, as painfully and as powerfully as he loved you and you had waited too long to tell him; but he cut you off before you had the chance. 

“Do you know what I’d give to be with you? Do you know what I’d give to be yours?” He was rambling and you were afraid he wouldn’t stop. You pulled your hands out of his and lifted them to his face; his lips quivering to a halt, his eyes fixed on yours. 

“Jae..” You sighed, his name felt divine to say. Thumbs caressing his cheeks to soothe him, Jaebeom’s hands found your waist; his hold on you keeping you from floating to the ceiling. 

“Do you know what I wouldn’t give to be yours?” Brushing back his fringe you caught the flicker in his eye, the expectant gaze in his stare. 

“Jaebeom..” You pulled his face closer to yours as he pulled your body closer to his. 

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t give.” 

His lips crashed into yours as five years of missed opportunities and wasted moments crashed to your feet. He pulled you into his arms, holding you against him with all the words he had left to say melting onto your lips. Your fingers raked into his hair, returning his kiss with passion, burning passion and it felt like your heart would burst. 

Pulling him onto his feet, your lips never parted from his; tongues entwining with all the carnal desire you had suppressed behind stolen glances and unsaid confessions. Jaebeom’s hands roamed your back, sliding beneath your shirt to feel as much of you as he could. You stepped back, leading him from the table but Jaebeom bounded too fast and locked your foot to the ground, tipping you back; both falling to the ground, trapped in your own embrace.

Colliding with the ground, Jaebeom cradled your head in his hands; concern washed over his face while you could only laugh. 

“Oh my god, are you okay?!” Finally opening your eyes through your laughter, you reached forward, grabbing his collar and pulling him down. 

“Just kiss me.” His mouth found yours again, his hands sliding under your shirt to gently pull it over your head. Your fingers were struggling with his belt, a task you, in your profession, would have no trouble with; but the way his lips explored the edge of your jaw and down your neck had rendered your hands useless. You changed your approach, hooking your fingers under the hem of his shirt to pull it off him. 

Tearing his lips away from your collarbone, Jaebeom reared back, smacking his head against the edge of the dining table. His hands snapped onto his head, as you sat up quickly; trying your best not to laugh at his misfortune, but his crumpled face was adorable. 

“Are you okay?” Pressing your lips to his forehead as you tried to pull his hands away. 

“Shut up.” But you couldn’t, laughter still spilling out of your mouth in failed attempts to stifle it. So Jaebeom did it for you. He pushed you back, ripping off his shirt and wrapping his arms around your bare waist, pressing himself against you. 

His kissed was fevered, hot and heavy against your lips and you lost your breath trying to keep up. But you would try. Your hands traced down his torso, fingertips etching into the lines of definition in his muscles. Traveling down from his chest to his navel, you stopped when they reached his belt, this time you expertly unfastened the buckles, pulling the leather smoothly through his pants loops. 

Jaebeom pulled away, lifted his hand to your cheek and gazed into your eyes. For the first time there was no fear, no apprehension. Only happiness. Only love. Smoothing his thumb over your cheek, he bit his lips before they parted to speak. 

“Are you sure?” 

“More than anything in my entire life.” With your eager permission, Jaebeom pressed a hand into your back and lowered you to the floor. Gliding his fingertips down the sides of your body, you shivered ardently at his touch. His fingers looped under the waistband of your shorts and slowly pulled them down your legs. 

You watched his eyes drink you in, a dry swallow travelling down his throat at the magnificence of you. Biting your lip, he caught the hunger in your eyes and it lit a raging fire within him. Undoing the button of his pants, he pulled down the zip, then pushed his pants down his thighs before lowering onto you. Pressing his chest against yours, you could feel his heartbeat against your skin; it synchronizing with yours. 

Sliding his hand between your legs, he found himself, eager and ready and kissed you before he moved. Entering you slowly, he kept his lips pressed against yours as you heaved in a breath. Arching your back off the floor, his body provided the ceiling you needed to hold yourself together. Jaebeom kissed you, over and over again; drawing whimpered moans to spill out of your mouth as he rolled his hips against you. 

Your hands found purchase in his back as your legs wrapped around his waist. One hand holding himself up as the other cupped your cheek, Jaebeom could feel his control unraveling as he buried himself inside you. Bodies bound together, your teeth grazed along his shoulder while his mouth wrote words of adoration into your neck. 

The coil inside you was tightening, ready to snap and Jaebeom knew it with the way your nails were digging into his skin and how his name tumbled breathless off your lips. Snaking his hands under you, Jaebeom pulled you up into his embrace as he drove deep inside you. An intense wave of pleasure crashed over you; your body shaking in his arms as euphoria surged through your veins. 

Jaebeom’s control completely unraveled, all his wanting spilling out as he quivered; lips latched onto your shoulder, mewling against the softness of your skin. Holding the embrace, your fingertips traced down his spine; you kissed his neck and he released his hold to let himself look at you. 

“Hi.”

“Hello.” Unwrapping your legs from his waist, you shuffled back to press your lips to his before shuffling to your feet to stand. “I’ll be right back.”

Grabbing his shirt off the floor, you slipped it on; Jaebeom powerless against the smile digging into his cheeks at the sight. Gone for only a few seconds, you returned with a towel; handing it to Jaebeom to clean himself up. 

Pulling back on his underwear as you slipped back into your shorts, Jaebeom’s phone buzzed on the table. The sound making both your faces freeze before crumpling in amusement. 

“I wonder if that’s Jinyoung.” You jeered. 

“It better not be.” Jaebeom snarled, reaching above him to find his phone. Kneeling across from him, you watched his slender fingers swipe across the screen to take the call.

“Oh, Hyung?” His manager, made sense. 

“Oh, it’s all clear?...Yeh, yeh I’m fine… We’re fine.” Jaebeom smiled gently as his other hand reached forward to caress your cheek; fondly letting you tip your face to rest it in his palm. 

“No, no thank you… Okay, bye.” Placing his phone on the floor, he opened his arms to let you crawl forward onto his lap. Kissing his forehead, you leant back to look at his perfect face; perfect in knowing that behind those deep and magical eyes, was the man you loved. The man who loved you just as intensely in return. 

Jaebeom’s arms wrapped around you, the warmth of his embrace soaking into your skin and you felt at peace. Completely content. Indescribably happy. Absolutely in love. You both held the embrace in comfortable silence, there was no more need for words. Though you, with all your naive charm, somehow found something to say.

“Work’s going to be weird on Monday, isn't it?” Jaebeom kissed your chin, then your lips, then the tip of your nose before stopping to stare into your eyes. 

“Well it’s a good thing all the closets have locks…” 

#got7 #got7 story #got7 fluff #got7 scenario #got7 imagine #got7 jaebum #got7 im jaebum #got7 jaebeom #got7 im jaebeom #jaebum fluff #jaebeom fluff #got7 fic #got7 fanfic #got7 fanfiction #jaebum story #jaebeom story #kpop story #kpop imagine #jjp #jus2 #jyp #wiwg #what i wouldnt give

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Previous Parts

tag list: @im-not-rare-im-rarr @constellationwhump @justwhumpitwhumpitgood @maybeawhumpblog @lumpofwhump @whumpity--whump--whump @inky-whump @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @ihaventwritteninsolong @stxckfxck

 Okay, this isn’t THE ending. But it’s definitely getting close to it. I was going to wait on this but I literally couldn’t sleep last night if I didn’t write it because I was so excited. While reading this isn’t exactly necessary to understand this one, I feel like it would help some parts of it.

 ***

 How long had he been like this? Day in and day out, serving the vampire, entertaining him when needed. Dahlia was kept locked up this whole time, but at least she was fed and taken care of, even let out of the cage sometimes, so long as Silas behaved. He didn’t do anything but behave. 

 He no longer had to control him or manipulate him or punish him, Alastair had him exactly how he wanted. He would kneel obediently at his side, stay there until told otherwise. He let the vampire do whatever he wished with no complaint, and he distanced himself from Dahlia. It would hurt less when they eventually separated for good. However, Dahlia became his breaking point.

 Him and Alastair were wandering the gardens together, a comfortable silence between them. Alastair was in a good mood, so he figured now was a good time to ask the question.

 “Um… sir, may I ask something…?”

 “What is it love?” He looked down at him.

 “You… you told me that I had a purpose here, you were going to keep me to feed off me, right?”

 “Yes. I like you more than my previous pets though, that’s why I decided to keep you.”

 “Right… then… what are you going to do about feeding? Since I can’t satisfy you like that anymore…” Alastair just laughed, putting an arm around his shoulders.

 “Why, your little friend is here of course. It’s really quite convenient that you lured her in. She will serve us until she is no longer capable of doing so, and then we will find someone new.” His words cut through him like a knife. That numbness that consumed him seemed to shatter, replaced with an almost burning anger. He didn’t let it show on his face though, struggling to keep calm.

 “Until… Until she can’t anymore…?” He murmured.

 “Yes. She will die eventually, over time continuous feeding will cause her to decline. Once she’s gone, maybe I’ll let you pick our next meal, that sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

 “Yes, master.” He said, holding back all the rage he felt, the first strong emotion he’d felt in some time. He needed to put a stop to this, soon.

 ***

 He couldn’t sleep that day, and finally he got up early, staying silent as he got dressed. He grabbed the keys that Alastair kept on his bedside table before leaving for the room Dahlia was held in. He knew he’d have to be quick.

 She was actually asleep when he came in, he felt bad for disturbing her but she needed to get out. The first thing he did was unlock the cage for her, shaking her awake before jumping up and making his way around the room. There was all sorts of cabinets and drawers for storage space in there, he knew their things had to be somewhere. 

 “Silas? What’s going on?” She asked, confused and still half asleep as she scrambled out of the cage, getting to her feet. 

 “You need to go, soon. Just as soon as I find your stuff.” He said, throwing open cabinets, yanking drawers open and leaving their contents a mess around the room. 

 “What? Hold on, what about the vampire, what’s happening?” She asked.

 “He’s going to kill you, and I… I can’t let that happen, Dahlia.” He sighed heavily. “You need to get out.”

 “What about you…?” She frowned.

 “I… belong here. You’re better off without me.” He sighed. “There’s nothing for me out there. I’m no better than Alastair, or any other vampire for that matter. You need to go though.” He threw open a trunk in the room, he couldn’t believe how happy he was to see almost identical leather bags, each one's contents mostly still in tact. He snatched hers out before looking into his own bag. The only blade left was his personalized one. Not great for killing vampires but if things went wrong then it would do. He used the extra bandages in his bag to wrap around the handle, keeping his own hand safe from the burning silver.

 “You have to come with me.” She said seriously, snatching the bag from him. “I’m not leaving you behind.”

 “You’re going to have to.” He grabbed her arm, pulling her towards the door. “I have to stay here, and as long as I’m here you should be safe out there. Now please, go.” He begged her. He was already on edge, he had the worst feeling that something horrible was going to happen, that Alastair knew he was missing and was coming to bring him back. He had pulled her into the hallway, still urging her to go, when he got the strongest feeling that someone was behind him. He wondered if this was how Alastair always knew he was gone, he whipped around just in time to see him. There was no teasing or taunting this time, Alastair roughly grabbed him by the throat, yanking him away from Dahlia.

 “I can’t believe you’re still doing this.” He snarled. “What reason do you have for wanting to escape?! There is nothing for you out there, you know that?! You’ll be demonized little hunter, you’ll be the one hunted! You have no reason to leave!” He yelled at him.

 “He’s not trying to leave!” Dahlia snapped. “I was! Leave him out of this!”

 “I don’t want to hear from you, you’ve been nothing but trouble since you came here!” He let go of Silas, only to grab her by her hair, dragging her back into the room, turning his back on Silas. “You’re starting to be more trouble than you’re worth, I was going to keep you around for him but I might as well get rid of you now.” He snarled. Silas felt that familiar guilt, knowing Dahlia was trying to protect him, knowing she was ready to take the vampire’s wrath before letting him suffer. Silas started to protest, beg him to leave her alone, but the very real possibility that he was going to kill her seemed to snap him out of it. No amount of obedience and submission would protect Dahlia, he refused to stand by uselessly and let him kill her.

 He dashed forward, faster than he thought he could move, plunging the knife into his back. He didn’t hit the heart, he knew that, but he needed him to let Dahlia go. Much to his surprise, the vampire screamed, dropping Dahlia and whipping around to face him, Silas ripping the knife from his back. He could see the anger and agony in his face, he knew he was going to pay for this. 

 “Really? After all I’ve done for you? After I saved your life, gave you immortality, gave you love, you’re going to try and kill me?!” He shouted at him. His entire focus was on Silas, who had never seen him this vicious. He didn’t pay any attention to Dahlia slowly, carefully getting to her feet. 

 “What you’ve done for me?! Don’t you mean what you’ve done to me?!” He yelled. He hadn’t felt an anger like this in a long time, that rage and defiance that Alastair carefully and meticulously beat out of him was rushing back to him. It almost felt good, it felt like himself again. 

 His intense anger mixed with his vampire abilities made for an interesting combination. He never knew his strength could match Alastair’s until he had him pinned down on the floor, straddling him with one hand gripping his wrist, the other clutching the blade tightly. It felt so natural, to hold a blade again. He’d done this kind of thing for years, it was ingrained in him by now. Stab the heart, twist the blade for good measure. Leave the body in the sun and let it burn to ash. The most satisfying thing though was seeing the fear in Alastair’s eyes, the realization that for once, he wasn’t in control. 

 “Now darling, is all this really necessary?” He asked, trying to remain calm, but his eyes were fixed on the tip of the blade, he knew he was in a terrible spot. “I mean honestly, you’re going to throw away everything I’ve given you, for some human girl?”

 “Given me? You’ve taken everything from me!” He shouted, completely overwhelmed with anger. Without thinking he raised the knife and stabbed it into his chest, missing his heart though. Alastair screamed, trying to fight him off, but for once, Silas was stronger. “You’ve taken my life!” He ripped the knife out of him, immediately stabbing him again, not even close to the heart. “My future!” He stabbed him again, Alastair grabbed his wrist.

 “Silas, love, you don’t need to do this!” He insisted, voice strained. “Please, don’t do this!” His begging just further angered him though. Silas wrenched it out of his chest again, aiming it just right this time.

 “You took my fucking humanity!” He plunged the blade into his heart, the vampire’s cry weak and strangled. “I’m not going to let you take her, understand darling?” He snarled, almost taking joy in his frightened, agonized expression. He twisted the knife in his heart before finally yanking it out of him for good. 

 He was covered in the vampire’s blood, all over his face and hands. Dahlia was standing frozen, staring at him with wide eyes, but he couldn’t look away from the vampire’s face, watching the life drain from his body. He realized he was shaking, eyes burning as they filled with tears. The reality of what he’d just done seemed to dawn on him, the vampire was dying. He’d be dead for good in minutes, and Silas would be free. Slowly, he leaned down, pressing his forehead to Alastair’s and looking him in his eyes, making sure he was all he knew in his final moments. He spoke softly, voice wavering. 

 “You will never hurt me again.”

#whump #my writing #my oc's #Silas #Alastair #Dahlia #hair pulling #stabbing #emotional whump #character death #this was fucking fun to write okay #I really like this one

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[clintbartonswife]

breathe pt2 (Steve Rogers x You)

Warnings: angst, description of injuries/blood 

(kinda) requested by @vesta-ro and @officialmarvelwhore || masterlist

Previously: He started compressions on your chest, his eyes watching your closed ones as he did so.

“Come on babygirl - breathe for me. Please breathe”

“Steve-“

“NO! She’s going to be fine - she just needs to breathe!” He shouted, tears filling his eyes as he continued CPR, your body unresponsive.

“Steve” Natasha insisted, her hands moving to his shoulders, pulling him back slightly, “Steve she’s gone”

“No!” Steve fought half-heartedly against her hold, crumpling into himself as he finally realised the truth, “no”

“She died thinking I hated her”

“Why did you stop!?”

Steve’s head whipped around, spotting Bruce hobbling over with a medical kit, his messy appearance proving he had just ‘calmed down’.

“Dont stop CPR! She’s probably gone into shock!”

Steve stood frozen as Nat leapt forward, immediately restarting compressions whilst swearing strongly in Russian. Tony rushed over to Bruce, slinging his arm around his shoulders to help him walk quicker. Watching with tear-blurred vision as they crowded around your body, it took everything in him to stay standing. After a quick scuffle, Steve heard the words that sent him crumbling to the ground.

“Shit Nat dont stop, theres a pulse - barely - but its there”

“Слава Богу” Nat whispered, “when do I know to stop?”

“When she shows signs of consciousness, if you’re getting tired Tony can step in-” “no. I’m doing this” she said sternly, her eyes locked on to her hands as she continued CPR.

“We need to try and get her back to the jet - Steve? Steve!”

Bruce’s harsh voice cut through Steve’s stupor, the super soldier turning his attention to the doctor.

“I need you to get the stretcher from the jet”

“yea - I can do that” he nodded, sprinting over to the jet, his legs moving as fast as they could carry him. 

As soon as he was gone, Bruce ripped the bottom half of your tshirt off to try and get a better visual on the wound.

“Holy fuck” Tony gasped, staring at the gaping hole going through your stomach, “exit wound?”

Bruce just nodded, as he began to stuff the hole with sterile mesh.

“Whats that for?”

“To try and stop the blood until we can get her back to Dr Cho” Bruce said, his eyes darting around every now and then, “where the hell is Steve”

Tony made a quick call to the doctor, making sure she’d be there ready for whe they got back.

Steve returned a few moments later, stretcher tucked under his arm.

“We need to get her on there without banging her around too much”

“let me” Steve said shakily, kneeling by your side.

“Okay Nat stop compressions when I tell you to, you’ve got to move her immediately Steve. When she’s on Nat will have to get on as well so you can continue compressions. Everyone else will have to help lift and carry the stretcher back to the jet. 3, 2, 1″

Steve’s arms wrapped gently around your body as he carefully moved you onto the stretcher, everyone following instructions, and soon enough you had been placed down in the quinjet.

Bruce immediately sprang back into action, plugging your body into all the machines available, moving around Natasha who was still steadily pressing down on your chest. Tony lead Steve away to the front of the quinjet, trying to console the soldier as they went.

“Nat stop” 

The Russian looked at him in confusion, swiftly moving her hands away.

“Her eyes fluttered. She’s coming back into consciousness”

You could feel pain, mind-numbing pain, emitting from your stomach as you came to. A small groan escaped your lips as you moved to stretch, your body jolting at the burst of pain from the miniscule action.

“Fuck me” you whined, squinting your eyes at the bright light above you, “am I dead yet? This bloody hurts”

“сука! Dont do that again!”

you quirked a brow at the redhead in front of you, “Im sorry Nat. I’ll really try not to get shot next time. I thought it would be fun”

She just rolled her watery eyes, a small smile taking hold of her lips.

“I think she’s fine Bruce” Nat laughed, “her humours back for sure”

You turned your head to look at bruce, reaching towards him with your hand. He understood, holding your hand tightly.

“Thanks Bruce”

“No problem”

“Hey Nat?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell Clint about this”

“Wha- you’re thinking about this now? You were almost killed and your seriously worried about a bet!?”

“Hey! He won last time and there’s no way in hell im gonna give him the satisfaction of winning again. Besides, he gets shot all the time! You’ll probably only have to wait a few days”

As the two of you bickered, Bruce slipped away, approaching Steve and Tony with a small smile.

“Is she awake? Bruce?” 

Steve was desperate, his eyes wild as he grabbed the doctor’s arms, “is she okay?!”

“She’ll be fine as long as we get to Cho quickly, the main thing is that she’s breathing on her own and her heart beat seems steady”

Letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, Steve nodded his head in thanks before storming to the back of the quinjet where you lay on the gurney, Natasha making a hasty exit.

“You almost died -”

“Hey Cap -”

The two of you spoke at the same time, your tone significantly lighter than his.

“This isn't a joke (y/n)! I thought - I thought you had died and I -”

Eyebrows pulling together in a frown, you rested your hand over his gently, avoiding his eyes as he looked at you in shock. The two of you hadn't touched since … then.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily Cap”

“Its Steve” he mumbled, almost incoherently, hating the way the title sounded so impersonal on your lips, “you always call me Steve”

“I didn't think I had the right to anymore, what with you with Sharon now. That makes you my mission Captain. Nothing more” you spat out bitterly, pulling your hand back and wincing at the pain the slight movement caused you.

“That's not fair -”

“Isn't it? Youre Captain Fucking America. You get to keep the team, I've tried to back away and let you have your space, I really have. Not that anyone seemed to notice” you chuckled mirthlessly, “I'm not stupid enough to believe that what we had would've lasted Cap. In the end, youre a national treasure - you could get anyone you want - and I'm just me. It was only a matter of time til you got bored, guess it was just quicker than I had hoped”

“Could you shut up for one second! I overreacted that night! I admit what I said was wrong but I can assure you that there's nothing going on between me and Sharon and there never will be even if I tried because I cant fucking get you out of my head!”

The silence that fell was deafening, air thick with tension.

“I could never get bored of you” Steve eventually sighed, running his fingers through his hair, “I know I said horrible things but I didn't mean them - I know that doesn't stand for much, but … Look. I love you (y/n) and I don't think I’ll ever stop”

With that he stood up and walked away to the front of the quinjet without a second glance, leaving you with a racing heart and watering eyes.

*******************************************************************************************

Слава Богу = thank god           сука! = bitch

#steve rogers #captain america #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #angst #steve rogers angst #bruce banner #natasha romanoff #tony stark #whump #injury #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fanfic #marvel #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #angsty #angsty fic #captain america angst

[vexatiousbby]

Grief advice I wish I could’ve gotten, but now I’ll give:

1. Eat. I know it’s the last thing you want to do, but people are already worried. It’s easier to just eat something small rather than get questioned by people and forced to eat.

2. Do normal things. They arent watching.

3. Take lots of pictures and videos of anything you do during this time. Chances are you’ll forget most of the things you do for the next two months. Your brain will make you forget traumatic experiences.

4. On top of number 3, get pictures and VIDEOS of them. Especially if anyone has videos of them talking. Their voice might not be easiest to remember when you want to remember it the most. Again, your brain will block it out. You can think as hard as you want about their features and still draw a blank.

5. There are stages to mourning. I interpret them this way, but everyone has a slightly different view I’m sure.

•Numb(week or so for me)— you’ll feel a lot of things for days. So much so that you’ll go numb. You’ll zone out a lot. You’ll probably shake sometimes, and break down throughout the day. You won’t want to move too fast or do things you know you should do. I didn’t laugh for 5 days straight, which I never realized how much I laughed until I didn’t anymore. You’ll be in denial, and convince yourself it’s not real. You might have extremely realistic dreams about them. I did for a week and a half, and convinced myself a couple times he was alive somewhere and I just needed to find him. It’s normal, acceptance will come later. Try your best to convince yourself the truth. After the dreams I had multiple panic attacks and some during the day. There is nothing to stop the pain. Stay around people, you’ll get through it, I promise.

•Sad—(a month for me) you’ll want to cry, a lot. But you’ll get tired of crying. Try and hangout with people. Social interaction helps even if you don’t want it. I drank a lot during this time (which I DO NOT recommend) and cant remember much of what I did or felt. I cried every other day.

•Anger—(a month until about a year and a half tbh, but since it was self inflicted I feel it went on longer than other circumstances would) After you finally accept they’re gone, you’ll be angry. At the world, at them, at things they are missing out on, that you can’t remember little things about them, at yourself for whatever reason. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel things. You will also have bad days. You may just wake up and cry over them. I got them about 3-6 times a month. It’s been 2 years and they’re down to about 1-2 a month. It’s hard to accomplish things. It’s hard to realize you have to go your whole life without seeing them again. It’s hard to listen to new music without wanting them to hear it too. Try your best to ignore the “what-ifs”. Things happen daily and we cannot predict them. People will always do what they want to do in the end regardless of what it costs other people. Be there for YOURSELF. I was there for everyone else and didn’t feel through it like I should have. You may always have problems tbh. I have trust issues, I can’t trust anyone that says “I’ll be ok.” I had to say I love you before anyone leaves or before I do. My phone is turned on and up every night (I NEVER forget) in case someone needs me.

After about a year and a half I got less and less angry. I’m thankful for the time I had while I had it. I feel lucky to have even been born in the same lifetime as him. Im lucky to have met him and loved him. I can talk to some people about him. I can look at pictures without breaking down. Haven’t tried videos even though it’s been 2 years. Some things take longer I think. I’m not ready yet, and I may never be. I no longer base all of my decisions off of what he wanted. He isn’t here and I have to do things for ME because I’m here and I’m the one living this life. You have to do the same. Things don’t really get better, they just get easier to deal with. But eventually you will be happy with where you are. It took me two years to be genuinely happy without him around, and I’m worried there will always be a hole in my heart but it’s a spot no one else can fill and I’m okay with that.

To sum it all up: eat. Sleep even if the nightmares ruin you. The days go by faster if you do. Take lots of pictures and videos. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you should move on any faster than you are. Hangout with people. Be thankful instead of regretting things. Don’t take anyone for granted. Things get easier to deal with. You will get through it and do the things that would make them the proudest of you. Things like this happen and we cannot predict or stop them from happening. Take care of yourself. Even if it’s the absolute last thing you want to do—it’s a must.

Lastly, call me if you need anything. I cried to a couple of my friends on the phone some nights because things just got a little too hard. They didn’t know him or understand, but it’s nice to hear someone’s voice and have someone listen. You can text me multiple times and I’ll wake up, or you can call me and I’ll be there. This isn’t something you deal with alone. But IT DOES get easier, I promise. I wish someone would’ve told me it gets easier so I would’ve been more hopeful. But I’m glad I’m here to tell others.

[atuzbee]

what if we sat in a super k bathroom together and we laughed till we cried under pink drunk skies  and you kissed words into my mouth so i could taste them and i could breathe and cry at the same time and what if you saw me when i felt small it was scary but i trusted you when you winked at me and what if i missed you sobbing into a pillow in the early evening an ever colder cup of tea beside me  and what if i saw you beside ribbons thrown across the sky in rainbows and what would happen if when i closed my eyes that’s all i could see just you in a dream and my hand stretched out towards the sky in its always-there kind of presence and then what happens when i don’t know who i am anymore could you love someone when they are just a figure floating in their bathtub with no grasp on time  and they sat in it until the water got cold just like they let their tea get cold every single time and im afraid in the future ill laugh at myself so i’ve been trying to love myself as a child i think i’ve finally realized that its okay to be loved by myself  and i think im realizing its okay to be loved by others and its okay to disappoint them even so  and i wish that i could feel okay when you sat with me in my grief i always want to show you that its okay to lean on me  that im strong that i can take care of you but what if that means being vulnerable (and it does)  and what if i bite my tongue so hard it goes numb do you think you could please still just hold my hand while you’re here  eventually, you’ll slip away and i’ll be left with a colder morning alone a bus ride home and maybe i’ll see you in the sky when you go and next time i’ll cry with my eyes wide open and my sobs in screams and maybe i can learn to be proud of it.  i always end saying i’ll wait for you but you are still right here  and i am not waiting i am craving every moment of existing  even a million miles apart my sadness is casual and just stops by for tea but never chai unless its warm and maybe when i slip into unconscious storytelling i will see you in fuller clarity. 

i need to get new glasses.  

[my-anonymous5444-blog]

My Story

---Hey guys sorry about being a downer i’ve just been wanting to share this for a long time 

2017 

Hello im 13 years old.  i wish i was dead. If wasn’t for my family i would be dead right now. When you commit suicide you just pass on the pain to someone else so i refuse to kill myself because I love my family too much. I don’t have any true friends and i hide my true self behind multiple masks and i think the farthest anyone outside my family  has ever gotten is 2 masks down. I believe i have at least 4 that i hide behind that’s why i don’t have any true friends. The only ones i do have are always putting me down or are just pretending to be my friend. I’m all alone. My sister knows me the best. But even when i’m with her i wear a mask. I feel so alone. Sometimes i wish that i didn’t have a family or anyone i cared about so i could just die and get it over with. I don’t tell anyone i want to die because i don’t want to be a burden, so i just bury the dark thoughts in the deepest darkest part of my mind to the place when i don’t even go. I hate my life. I’m so done with all the shit i have to deal with, at this point i wish i was dead. I’ve cut my legs and arms before but my knife was not very sharp so it dulled quickly and now it won’t cut skin so can’t do that anymore. I wish i was someone else. I think i’m not interesting and i hate myself. Everytime i take pills i think of overdosing, when i visit tall buildings i want to jump,  when i cross the street i think about jumping in front of a car, when i shave i think of cutting my wrists. I’m in pain and i can’t stop it. I don’t want to tell my friends because they will want to make me stop doing things i’m doing, like making myself throw up or cutting, but i won’t stop and it will be an endless cycle of me doing things and them telling me to stop. They’ll eventually get bored of it but they can’t stop telling me to get better because it will hurt their consciousness. I want to tell someone but i don’t know how. I don’t think i’m capable of feeling anymore. The only things i feel are sadness and depression and shame. I don’t feel happy or proud or anything else. The only glimmer of happiness i get is when i get other people to laugh. That's it. I eat away the pain but i hate myself so i throw up and cut and then eat more. There are so many things i can’t help that make me more depressed. 

2018

Everyone says i'm smart and funny and worthwhile but i feel useless and stupid and irrelevant. I always wear a mask of strength and i say i never cry but i cry a lot and think way too much about what people say. I don’t know why but other people’s opinions mean a lot to me. Even the people i hate have  opinions that i take to heart. i m always saying that i don’t want to get married or have kids. I say i don’t want to get married because i think marriage is a chain but actually i just don’t think i’m worthy for someone to love and i say i dont’ want kids because they are annoying but i don’t want kids because i can’t imagine bringing something i love into the stupid fucking world we have. The world sucks and i don’t want any kid growing up in it. I think i’m ugly and i hate my body. I’m constantly trying to numb the pain, sometime with movies or work. I wish i didn’t have to be born. I wish my parents had just had one daughter. I don’t want to die through suicide but i want to die. I find myself constantly wishing i would get shot or get run over or i would choke.  I hate being alive. 

Its 8th grade and i’m in costa rica. I tried to kill myself twice so far this year. i feel so damn alone and i dont think i can deal with it anymore. Im not with my family or my friends and im not sure how much longer i can hold on. I tried to slit my wrists with my razor but i dont think i cut my wrists in the right place because i didnt bleed that much. That was a week ago. Last night i was listening to rly sad music and id made me feel shitty. I tried to cut my wrists again and i did it right this time. I just kept cutting until i started bleeding a lot. I bled out in the sink . i had a panic attack and started hysterically crying. I had to be quiet so i was just sitting in the dark in the bathroom bleeding out with my hand over my mouth tears running down my face. I dont get it. I want to die but for some reason i cant kill myself.  My life doesnt have any meaning. Im ugly and stupid and completely worthless. Everyone tells me i have to learn to love myself but i can’t i wish i was worth while, i wish i was someone else. This one girl keeps joking about suicide and depression and it makes me mad but im to fucking ashamed and scared so i just sit there and i dont say anything. Why do i never say anything. Why can’t i have some actual opinions and not just agree because im scared of rejection. I would be better off dead. 

I finally told my family. I’m on medication and it seems to be working but not very much. They all say it will get better with time but i don’t want to live anymore i’m tired of it and im not even to the hard part yet. When i have access to alcohol and drugs i’ll probably become an addict because i’m scrabbling for a way to take away the pain. I can’t tell my friends because they wouldn’t understand. I feel alone all the time and i wish i wasn’t born. There are about 3 people besides those in my family that make me wanna live. Sophie, Celeste, and Audrey. That’s it. Sometimes i realize how dark my mind gets, like today there was a lockdown at school because someone thought that they had seen a man with a gun but it was a false alarm. While sitting against the closet i found myself wishing someone would shoot up my school so i could die and my family would eventually get over it. Then i realized what i had just thought and immediately was like stop it. I have so much stress and i’m not even in high school yet. I want to die. Even when i think about the future i get stressed out and sometimes have a mental breakdown. Someone please kill me. I was crying in the bathroom yesterday and some 6th grader heard me and asked if i was ok, i wiped my tears away and walked out like nothing had happened. Why can’t i show emotion to other people what am i so afraid of. Why cant i just be normal and express myself naturally? 

2019 Im now a freshman in high school. I’ve been getting better and the medication has been helping. Sometimes i still think about wanting to die but i’m a lot happier. I have a group of amazing friends and i can be myself around them. They love me and i love them. I also just fell in love with a boy for the first time and its a nice change from before. I know people lose  hope and give up. trust me, i’ve been through that and it sucks, but you keep going forward and things get better. I actually am enjoying life recently and i think it has to do a lot with going to therapy and trying to make more in depth connections with my friends and family. I still get pressured by my parents about grades and i can’t tell them a lot about thats going on. I’m addicted to nicotine and i think i may be getting addicted to alcohol too. It feels so good when your high or drunk. Im trying to make better decisions but its fucking hard. And old habits die hard. My mom called me worthless the other day. She said that if i didnt work hard i wasn’t going to go anywhere in life, which is accurate but it was like she was accusing me of not trying when im trying my hardest and im stretched so thin. I love my boyfriend. he makes me so damn happy and we have such a strong connection. I want to be with him forever and i want him in my life forever but i know he’ll find someone better and i can’t help but wonder how he’ll break my heart. 

- I know its weird to share this online but i just want people that are going thr the same thing or have gone thr something like this that they aren’t alone 

#mylife

[artmusicjoy]

i just want to scream into an abyss

but i also want hang out with friends

but everyone is an ocean away (even though I’m meeting new people but haven’t reached out to them because I don’t know how to nor do I know how available they are but i feel better talking with them, is that because they’re cool people or because they’re people at all? also i’ve kept in touch with pretty much everyone from home anyway so why the fuck do i feel so alone?)

i just want a hug (i like hugs, ok?!?!)

i just want to talk (i don’t even know what about. something deep but simple and trashy but not pointless even though realistically everything is pointless)

i just want something (probably dinner, but I feel sick from eating so much earlier, or am i actually hungry again and just can’t differentiate the feelings because i’m fortunate enough to not wonder where / when my next meal is, except now that I’m feeding myself I can’t get off my lazy ass to take care of myself. or am I just joking about dinner because i can’t describe this want i actually feel?)

i want to do something 

(God going back through this makes that part feel like shitty poetry^^^)

and now i’m going through to bold the original stream of consciousness so anyone reading can see how editing thoughts works, because I can’t even trust my gut on my emotions in real time. or did I just say i can’t trust myself because of a jaded character i was watching a few minutes ago? i can’t even trust my own commentary on my commentary. I’m a mess.

i want to scream and cry and laugh and run and dance and write and read and study and cook and break things and punch a wall without alerting my flatmates and actually feel like I’m close with them without coming across as weird for not getting to know them better the past month and just feel normal

but there is not such thing as truly normal so why do I care so much about being it?

would friends even help me in the long term or just distract me in the moment until we go our separate ways for the night or day or week or lifetime. as much as i love my friends and know they’ll want to help, I don’t want to weigh them down with my wellbeing. Especially since everyone has their own shit to deal with that’s arguably worse than mine. Yet if they said that to me, I’d reply “someone with a broken ankle won’t (or at least shouldn’t) tell someone with a sprained ankle that their pain isn’t real or valid.” 

my is my default feeling so numb and so painful at the same time

why can’t I cry about this? like i physically have felt the need to cry in the back of my mind for the past like three weeks and have only gotten a few tears out

i need to get more done

even if more is crying

why am i bothering to fix any mistakes I type as though I’m going to post this

should I post this or would my friends worry too much? should I let my vent into the infinite abyss of the internet and maybe someone will relate and feel better by seeing it

or am i just typing so I can look through my thoughts like a diary while not talking to myself (like a crazy person in the movies) 

is it even that normal that I can like feel the need to cry build in my life? do i really feel better when cry or is it just the relief of being empty (i just fixed two more spelling mistakes)

I keep telling myself in class that I’m motivated enough to work on the next project (or reading for my classes) and I even started an idea for one, but I’ll probably scrap it because it was so spur of the moment

and I’m behind on the dictionary project partially because I don’t give a shit, partially because I feel like I’m behind in the class when I’m really not, and partially because I feel like putting it off knowing I’l get it done eventually because I always do

I can boast never using an extension even though it means I’ve stayed up till 3 AM to write two paragraphs, only to stop at 3:30 to take a shower that I was putting off until I finished my work, as though disregarding my body’s health is the way to keep my mind from staying idle

and that was a year ago

now I just feel bad about feeling bad and not doing the things I know will help me

I fucking wrote my 300 level English final paper while my mom was packing up my dorm room so I could go home for winter break and have everything to be abroad. She was so worried seeing me work in the moment, so down to the wire. But so proud that I was able to buckle down and do it. Whereas I felt like shit for not doing it sooner. It was a topic I CHOSE and I LIKED IT. WHY THE FUCK DID I PUT IT OFF>!!>??!? I don’t even remember, probably because of my other, less exciting but way bigger project weighing down my spirit

if I just change my scenery then I’ll probably feel better

go to the common room to be on my computer instead of the same for walls of my room that I’ve decided were better because they’re private and nobody can judge me in here, but they also can’t get to know me and I can’t get anything (or much, I’m somehow doing some of the readings) done. You know, like a few other people do and then I’ll feel weird for only starting to do it now. idk

if I could just find another passion to keep me going, a new show or book

god i need to get the courage to go enjoy the library here. I feel so out of place there. nothing’s worse than feeling like a waste of space and a stupid piece of shit in a university library full of people like me who are probably procrastinating or struggling to finish work or even trying to figure out the English language because they’re from the freaking Netherlands and India and everywhere else

while im just the american in England who is struggling over something I probably wouldn’t feel if my life were just a bit worse. as though switching my life with some starving child in the arctic circle would make me feel better because i’d be too close to death to feel like shit and they could enjoy all the benefits I feel like i’m abusing by wasting away on my computer typing into a void rather than actually working to resolve my own issues

because maybe this post will somehow help me resolve things by putting them all out for others to see. or so i can reference it later. idfk

like “hi friends, I’m feeling like shit. Also I’m loving my time abroad, I had chocolate pancakes for dinner last week and I somehow feel like I have the right to complain about doing nothing and feeling bad about doing nothing.”

like knowing you’re a piece of shit doesn’t make you better than anyone because everyone should be trying to work towards a better self and more complete sense of self but i don’t even know where I’m going with this sentence, let alone my fucking life

maybe I should get a boring office job because then I’ll know what to expect and how to get my mundane task done instead of trying to build up the will to be my own boss as a writer and still never feel motivated to put my LONG list of ideas out into the world beyond my desktop

I seriously have over 70 pages of bulleted ideas, half of them are barely formed but i can’t bring myself to get rid of them because they might be worth something to someone one day

i wonder how future historians will deal with old laptops and the documents that were never shared there or the posts that feel so personal but so private as anyone can find them but only some will know the face behind my screen

do I want to share these thoughts with everyone? just close friends? or nobody, not even myself?

fuck it

To my friends: don’t feel obligated to read all this or reply. But you can if you want. Wow this sounds so manipulative, like reverse psychology bullshit. I’m sorry. 

I’m second guessing posting all this. But after all the effort I put in, I think it’s important to have and remember or whatever.

here it goes

EDIT: two minutes later and I feel like an attention whore and feel bad and need to point it out before people (strangers mostly, but still) make that judgment of me themselves. And now feeling like more of an attention seeking piece of shit for pointing it out. why is my brain so broken

would I ever really talk like this face to face? will people see me differently after this? i... whatever

#long post #vent #my thoughts #mental health