#there’s just something about the same two pathetic gay dudes over again and again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

switchbladedreamz · 1 year

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Choosing Me

LongHair!Frank Castle x Fem!Goth!Reader smut

Requested? Nah

Warnings? ❤️18+!!Hella fuckin smut y'all. Just fiiiiilth.

I need him to kiss me with his beard soaking wet

He cheated. Again..

"You know Ryan, you say you love me but you really don't give a shit about me. Do you?" He face turns bright red. It's his only change of expression from condescending. He straightens his tie. "Oh this again! I love you (Y/n/n). Is it your time of the month or something?" Out of the corner of my eye I see the silhouette, it's been following me all day, get closer. "Look I'm sorry I cheated, it didn't mean anything to me. Lets just forget this ever happened, we'll go to that fancy new Italian place and I'll buy you a new necklace." "Wow. It's like you're married the definition of misogyny, Jesus Christ dude. Get ahold of yourself and get your head out of your ass." I laugh, it almost sounds deranged with how pissed off I am. I turn to walk away but he grabs my wrist. I punch him square in the nose. "I have two hands dumbass, next time try to restrain them both." I mumble 'pathetic' before walking to my car. So too the silhouette moves in time.

It's three hours later and I'm crying into a bottle of wine blasting Halestorm, trying to remind myself I'm a bad bitch. A knock sounds at my door. A very beautiful face is on the other side of the door and I feel the gay panic seep in. "Hello, I'm Yelena, your new neighbor. I believe this is your mail," her ethereal green eyes squint as to read the name in the plastic viewing window of the envelope..''(Y/n)," 'my name rolls off her tongue so elegantly, beautiful.', " it was on my doorstep." She speaks in a Russian accent. I accidentally stare for a moment before finally speaking. "Ahem. Sorry! Thank you, yes. Uhm..how did you know my name?" "It's on the mail." She responds, a light laugh on the end. "Oh! Of course, how silly of me." "Is the music too loud? I'm sorry if it is, and I know a lot of people don't like metal.". Yelena has a beautiful smile, "Crank it girl, Lzzy Hale is an icon. I'll see you around." She waves. I'm stunned silent as I watch her door close. I jump over the couch and yank my phone off the aux, calling my best friend.

"Frank!! The most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life just moved in across from me. And she likes the same music I do, I'm gonna marry her.". "Jesus Christ (Y/n), I thought you was busy cryin over that Bryan prick." "Ryan, and I've been crying because I'm totally happy to be rid of his ass." "Yeah I never did like that douchebag. So. What's the chicks name? I'll see what I can get David to find, see if she's the real deal." I smile, I'm happy he cares. "She said her name was Yelena, I didn't get a last name though. She has this beautiful Russian accent but it's not too thick to were I don't know what she's saying. I don't usually go for blondes but man." "Yeah yeah I get it you're head over heels. Stay safe. Did Ron get all of his shit out of your apartment yet? You need any help with that asshole?" " I would like that, he's not a violent guy but he grabbed my wrist, it left a bruise. He'll be here in a few hours and I haven't been able to stop crying but I was a bad bitch when we last spoke now I'm a sad bitch.". "I'll be there". Before I can thank him he hangs up. He has such a way with words.

Frank arrived shortly after the phone call. He brought me flowers, ice cream, and a black throw blanket. I started to tear up "c'mon, can't have my best girl cryin over a gift. Go sit on the couch, I'll clean up and get you some food and water. Can't have that bastard catch ya slippin. He'll think he's won." I put the new blanket on top of the washer so I don't forget to wash it, I stop in the bathroom and wash my face and change out of my wet shirt.

"Heeey, there she is. Pick out a movie". Frank sets two plates on the coffee table. "Found some hamburger helper in the fridge." I hum as a response before picking Hellraiser, classic.

Halfway through the movie someone knocks on the door. Frank gets up, motioning for me to stay on the couch. I can hear the accusing tone in Ryan's voice as he's greeted with Frank's face. "Guess she hopped on the next dick that was nice to her". Frank's response meets Ryan's nose, that cracks. He screeches and I rush off the couch to stand behind Frank. "You're just going to let this APE TREAT ME LIKE THIS (Y/N/N)!?" Ryan yells. "Keep your voice down! And he can hit you once since you left a bruise on my wrist from early. Eye for an eye, bruise for a bruise shithead. Take your shit and leave." I grab the box, pretending Im going to hand it to Ryan, I let it dump to the floor in the hallway. I hear a gasp then a laugh, Yelena was in her door way. "I'm so sorry. I heard shouting and was going to check on you." That makes me smile a little.

Ryan scoffs and surprisingly he leaves without a word. With asshat out of sight Yelena breaks the silence. "Man that was awkward. But good for you, I like that you dumped the box. I would have just stabbed him." She laughs. I awkwardly laugh. "I'm kidding, you Americans." She points at us and chuckles, shutting her door. Frank and myself go back to watching Hellraiser. I hid my face in his arm as the hooks tore Uncle Frank's flesh off, I hate that part. Frank just laughs then let's me know when it's over.

After the movie ends Frank stretches, his shirt riding up. His happy trail making me happy. I can't help but shoot a quick glance to his lap then away. For some reason my dryer goes off. "Okay now put in the movie I brought." I hear Frank faintly call out. As he walks in he's carrying my new blanket, a bottle of wine, the ice cream, and two spoons. I smile and bend over to put in the movie he brought.

"I've never seen this before. Have you?". I can feel his eyes on me as I bend. "Nah ain't heard of it neither but Sarah said she thinks you'd like it and I told her I was headed over here and she let me borrow hers as long as I bring it back without a scratch." "Well cool, thanks Sarah. I'll definitely have to text her after with my review of it.".

Frank and I go back to cuddling. His presence is so comforting, I'm glad he's here with me. Frank starts to shift around, his face sort of contorted into an uncomfortable expression. "You okay Frankie?" I whisper. "I'm alright." He responds curtly. Well okay then.

Thirty minutes later and he's started shifting again, what the hell. I watch his hands go under the blanket and I catch a glimpse. Oh.

"hey Frankie" I whisper again. "Yeah what?" "Are you alright? You keep squirming around. Are you feelin okay?" I look up at him, doe eyes and all hoping he'll tell me the truth. "Quit worryin bout me and watch the movie, I'm okay." I nod my head and get up to go to the bathroom. It's there I realize why Frank was staring. I'm wearing loose shorts and...I forgot to put underwear on when I was changing into my pajamas. I go to my room and get an old pair of a different ex's jogger sweats (she was very tall) and an oversized HIM cutoff for Frank to sleep in.

Back in the living room I throw the garments at him and he catches them. "What're these (Y/n)?" "Your PJs silly, you really think I'm gonna let you drive yourself home after all the wine we've had". I slur my words the tiniest bit. "I'll get some water for us but you're still staying the night." I insist. I'm met with no retaliation from my guest.

The movie ends and Sarah was right, it was great. I pick up my phone but it's dead. Well I guess I'll text her in the morning.

I'm bent down on the floor, trying to find my charging cord under the mattress when heavy footfalls alert me of Frank's presence. I hear him mumble "fuck me" under his breath. I smile but it's swept away due to my lost cord. "hey princess is this what you're lookin for?" His voice is gruff, broken. Like he's trying to restrain himself. I get up off the ground and plop onto the bed, "yes! Thank you!" I grab it and kiss his cheek as thanks, okay maybe I'm still tipsy. I bend back over, this time on my night stand, to plug in my charger. "Damn iiit. I'm on my tiptoes and I still can't reach it. Frankie can you help me please?" He wordlessly walks over and fixes my problem. "Thank you. Would you like to take a shower before bed?" "Uh, yeah that'd be great, thanks. Towels?" "Hall closet". He nods and leaves.

Laying in my bed, trying my best to fall asleep but I can't when I can hear him. He's not loud by any means but the walls are thin. His little "fuuuuck"s or "yes just like that babygirl"s are driving me insane and insanely wet. The last thing I hear is "fuck yes, just like that (Y/n). Good girl" then the water shuts off. When the door opens, I can see Frank in my doorway. "Frank,....could you come lay with me till I fall asleep?" I ask him innocently. "I don't know if that's a good idea." "It's okay if you don't want to but I've been trying to sleep this whole time and it's weird to fall asleep to an empty bed.. I'm cold" I whine the last bit, rubbing my hands on my arms. Effectively squeezing my arms together to make my breasts pop. Another silent nod he steps in, shuts the door, and makes his way to my bed. It's then I notice he's shirtless and a couple droplets roll down his chest. Fuuuuck mee.

"good night princess" Frank whispers. "Gnight Frankie.".

I'm woken up at 5am, so my clock tells me, to grunts and being shaken. I feel something harsh against my behind when the brain fog clears and I realize what's happening. Frank's face is buried in my neck, and his cock against my ass, humping me in his sleep. "please" he whispers. It's so broken, desperate for release. I bite back a moan and rub my thighs together. It does nothing to alleviate my troubles except when I slip my hand down my shorts. I find im completely soaked when my middle finger splits my folds and runs up and down, spreading my juices. I accidentally gasp out loud as I rubbed my clit by surprise. Frank awoke with a grunt. "You okay pretty girl?" His morning voice is so hot. Then I feel the air shift. He knows. "(Y/n)." I don't answer. I'm too ashamed. "(Y/n)." He says more urgently this time. "Y-ye-ahem, yeah Frankie?". "Don't 'yeah Frankie' me right now. Just, just. Is this happening?" He stammers out. "D-do you want it to? To happen?" I turn onto my right side and face him. I had to at some point. "Yes. Do you?". I just nod. "Can I get something verbal, please?" His deep voice on edge. "I do. Please. Please Frank." Like a predator he growls and inches down bed, kissing and licking down my body as he strips me bare. With his large rough hands, grips my ankles, he pulls my center directly to his face. He doesn't stop making eye contact as his beard burns my thighs. His lips suck my clit into his mouth, the tip of his tongue swirling on my nub over and over and over. Two thick fingers languidly thrusting into me. It's all so beautiful and overstimulating. The tips of his fingers cuuurl and my toes do to, hands twisting needy in his long black locks. The grunts he makes when I tug on his hair send me. His fingers and mouth leave me and a small whiney 'nooo' leaves my mouth. Frank chuckles as he changes our position, I look up and my mind is blown. The big bad...hairy.. Punisher, towering over me and chuckling at me. "Frankie if you know one thing, it's for sure how to turn a girl on." His only response is another chuckle. His big hands pull my knees together and brings them over to one shoulder, slowly inching his member deeper into me. The girth stretching me open, nestled deep in my walls.

Frank's eyes never leave mine as he gently pulls out then pushes back in, inch by fucking inch. One arm stays wrapped around knees, his free hand pressing on my waist. Before I ask what he's doing out of nowhere his thrusts become fast and hard. I can see his cock bulging out of my stomach under Frank's hand, my eyes go wide and squeal when that hand applies pressure. "Okay baby, let me hear you". He leans his body forward, thrusting even deeper. The push and pull of his thick cock fucks my brain over, I can't think of anything. "F-Fra-fuuuck Fra-a-ank!" I cry at the top of my voice, all I get as a response is another chuckle. I roll my eyes. "Hey don't you fuckin roll your eyes at me, especially when I'm inside of you." His thrusts don't stop, it takes a lot to muster my verbal response. "You just...chuckle...it feels rude". I cross my arms to further prove my point. Really I'm just playing with my breasts. "It's." Stop, a harsh thrust. "Because." A stop, Harsh thrust. "You're" stop, harsh thrust. "So. Fucking." Two harsh thrusts back to back. "Cute!" He throws my legs open and around him, wraps his arms under me and pulls me to his chest. Plush lips trace my throat, my pulse, a bite to my jugular, a timid lick behind my ear, a nibble to my lobe. "Baby" I whimper, hushed against the shell of his ear. Gods he smells amazing, like me. It makes me feel primal, he's mine, he smells like me, mine mine mine. His hips move fluidly and slow, loving me. Choosing me. I kiss neck, my lips pressing softly to his Adams apple, my nails scratch lightly down his back. He shivers and it's my turn to chuckle. "Now you get it" Frank says before kissing my shoulder and to my chest. We end the blissful night between the sheets, holding hands. "G'night Frankie." I whisper to the darkness. "G'night baby".

#frank castle x reader smut #frank castle #the punisher x reader smut #the punisher #just pure filth

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underthebluerain · 2 years

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ok I finally watched sanditon and while I liked s1, s2 was SO BAD I just gotta vent my ramblings somewhere so. there I go

I mean first of all the obvious one, sidney is dead and so charlotte’s romance with him is over. this one is kind of understandable since the actor left, but they could’ve recast or written him out (maybe even temporarily in the hopes of getting him again) and I’m still disappointed their story didn’t continue (he was a grade a+ asshole at first, but I gotta admit the couple won me over). I think a lot of people were unhappy with the s1 ending, but I liked it, it was very dramatic but the kind of drama that you’re like ‘yes’ (of course I only liked it thinking their story would continue and therefore wasn’t really the end...). ditto for stringer and diana, missed them.

somehow, this season managed to be both incredibly BORING and extremely ANNOYING all at the same time!! I have no idea how they managed that. at every single scene either I was pissed off or bored as hell. and it was just 6 eps and it felt like 30. no idea how they managed that.

this may have been the copy that the channel I watched it in had, but it seemed like this season had like a lighter, more pastel filter over it. which would’ve been cool, except it made georgiana’s skin look so much lighter?? um... that’s not good.

speaking of, can we get some more fuckin diversity in here. I know, regency england but like, poc exist. and no I don’t just mean as servants who are just there to comfort and defend white men like colbourne’s housekeeper. and this may be me and my queer glasses, but like, clara and esther had Vibes. I like babington but damn, give my scheming girlies a chance. also also completely in the dark about what they intend to do with arthur -his dialogue about marriage and his behaviour have me thinking he’s queer (ace/aro/gay or a combination thereof, I’m leaning towards ace and I would say aro too but he seems very intrigued by lockhart? idk)- but I live in concern that they’ll just pull a ‘he just needed to meet the right one’ and shove him and a random woman together, maybe even georgiana (they’re cute but as friends). so zero canon queerness again.

the love triangle was so bad!!!! I am NOT a fan of love triangles in general, but it’s not impossible for me to like one. the one in s1 was very different, ‘2 people have feelings for the same person’ type thing, which made it better imo. the one in s2 was ‘these two dudes suck for different reasons and also they hate each other and are in direct competition’ which I dislike a lot more.

also they both were terrible love interests on their own!! on the one hand, entitled lizard man (I know the point is discovering he’s terrible, but yeah, I did not like him from minute one, literally the first time we see his face I went out loud, ‘he looks evil’); on the other, a loaf of badly baked bread with the personality to match. literally this dude is so fucking boring like go boy give us nothing. also he left his wife alone for a year bc he hates going to parties or something. dude you are pathetic. stringer where are you, you were so cute!!!

where was the chemistry?!? any of it?! anytime charlotte gave doe eyes to any of these men or viceversa or they kissed I was like 😐😐😐

all the pauses and close ups I feel mostly worked in s1 bc there was actual Tension, but here it was. just. so. AWKWARD.

literally the best part of the season were georgiana and lockhart and THEN that reveal ruined everything! and the thing is, it didn’t have to! (even if I do wish their connection had been totally genuine). ‘in love with the mark’ can be an extremely interesting and nuanced and above all ANGUISHED trope. they should’ve gone deeper into how he’s trying to steal her fortune BUT OH-OH he finds himself falling for her for real and is he pretending anymore? should he tell her the truth? how does he tell her? how will she react? does he choose the money and thus break both their hearts? does he renounce his evil plan because he loves her? does she take him back? instead we only get a last-minute reveal and the briefest, shallowest ‘was any of it real’ ‘yeah sure’ exchange which matters NOTHING. they could’ve had their cake and ate it too with some fucking delicious drama and they chose to do absolutely nothing. we lost the adorable otis for this?? can someone go get him back please??

on the topic of otis, I guess lennox’s and colbourne’s willingly shitty treatment of lucy can be forgiven or at least they are meant to be somewhat sympathetic, but poor otis who lives in a uberracist society and was just trying to avoid some terrible debt collectors is banished forever I guess.

also??? why didn’t lockhart just use a fake name in sanditon if he was trying to grift someone there who had connections with the guy who knew he wanted the fortune?? hello?? just make up a fucking name, it’s 1812????

allison and fraser were cute but they barely interacted. not a very believable romance development imo, too fast.

they pulled the ol’ ‘omg my corset is too tight!! *faint*’ bs like... I’ve only watched youtube vids and I know that in the regency they wore stays which were not boned and were not very constricting and also bc of the regency silhouette there would’ve been very little point in tightlacing since you can’t see the waist. at least there were no corsets on bare skin thank god (I don’t really care about historical accuracy, but this bothers me).

speaking of costumes, while they were mostly ok, charlotte’s shirts (and 99% of her governess outfits) were so ugly. and in some scenes I was just so ‘um what is georgiana wearing’. idk if they’re trying to make her stand out bc she’s kind of a rebel or bc she’s so rich that they consider her ‘fashion-forward’ but either way, what.

*deep breath* ok so this season really fucking annoyed my anti kids agenda lmao. let me explain. first of all who looks at a sequel and thinks ‘the first one was good, but you know what this needs? an annoying kid!!’ well some people do, as we can see in the mummy returns and legend of zorro, and so I guess the sanditon writers looked at those pests and were like ‘oh shit how about two??’ ok leonora isn’t that bad after the first ep, but WOW augusta is the fucking worst. I don’t care your parents died you just tried to trick a woman into getting fired just after she confided in you that her fiancé died. you’re a fucking asshole I don’t care that you’re 18. like for real they were so fucking annoying.

so like...... why were so many female plotlines about children this season. like yeah it’s the regency, I get that motherhood was an expected wish for women and what was meant to happen after marriage. but you use other anachronisms without a care and also you’re suppossed to tell an interesting story, so you can fucking pump the brakes on the child-rearing focus. no less than 3 female characters’ main arcs were about that.

first, where does esther’s incredibly strong desire to have kids come from. it’s literally all she wants suddenly but she can’t and every scene is about that. this to me is the most forgivable one bc her husband’s actor did not come back and it’s not bad that she wanted kids, but like. give her something else, god.

second, charlotte got shoved into the terrible and tired ‘spirited nanny/tutor helps a single dad love his kids bc he can’t muster up the fucking decency to do it on his own’ plot. uggh. also yeah, no shit the ‘good option’ in the love triangle is gonna be the guy who has kids. portray a nuclear family option as the ‘bad option’? goodness no. what are we to do, show that charlotte becoming inserted in this family is anything less than her pefect life? of course not. you’re supposed to want kids and to want to take care of kids even if they’re terrible and you have no real obligation to and their father is a piece of peeled-off wallpaper.

ironically enough though, charlotte got one (1) scene with mary and tom’s children, whereas in s1 she was spending a lot of time with them. honestly it feels to me like they are downplaying charlotte’s connection with all the parkers in general (she was barely involved with any of their plotlines, ditto for georgiana, they’re supposed to be friends...) bc she now has to fit into the colbourne family. if you have to downplay or erase a character’s meaningful connections to put a love interest (+kids) in their life, maybe that’s not great.

third, they ruined clara with this pregnancy storyline. first of all, she is a ruthless yet sympathetic and complex villain, use her for something more interesting than an incubator and baby delivery service to esther. they went back and forth on ‘she doesn’t want to be a mother-no wait she suddenly loves the baby now actually-oh wait she’s leaving him with esther’ like, why. I also really hate the trope that babies somehow make you a better person or that an unwanted pregnancy becomes wanted the second you hold that baby or breastfeed or some bullshit. that’s not true, and I think it’s a very harmful idea bc it implies that all women secretly want to have kids and even if they don’t realize it they will once they give birth. not to mention that clara seemed to be suffering from post-partum depression and they fixed it magically with one (1) session or breastfeeding I guess. at least she survived, I was worried they’d kill her so esther could have the baby.

on the last ep I kept joking to myself ‘what if every season there’s a new love triangle for charlotte and the previous two guys are nowhere to be seen’ and I think that would be hilarious. I also said ‘lmao what if it ended right there’ after colbourne left and charlotte said ‘oh I’m gonna marry this random farmer you’ve never seen’ and THEN IT DID. I laughed, I can’t lie. like yay at least I don’t have to watch their shoehorned “happy ending” for now lol.

so basically the only things I enjoyed were most of the costumes, the scenery, georgiana&arthur, and a few things here and there like the balloon, the archery or georgiana’s portrait.

anyway this show was renewed for s3 (it was before this mess which is the only reason I can comprehend it) and I just don’t wanna watch it but I’ll end up doing it bc it’s regency. I mean it’ll probably be better if only bc s2 was the pits. I guess I’ll see if it fills me with rage too <3

#sanditon #sanditon spoilers #my post #this season truly tried my patience #i honestly wasn't expecting to feel such a strong aversion to it??#especially bc i didn't fall in love with s1 or anything i just enjoyed it #but s2 was a fucking STRUGGLE

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hakasims · 3 years

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The Most Important Review of Every Single Marwan Kenzari Film

If you’ve seen this one about Luca, you know the drill.

Now, Marwan’s brand is a little less defined than Luca’s but I managed to find similar tropes in a lot of his films. Also, rather than copy myself and give you a redundant Marwanmeter, I decided instead to recommend which Luca character best pairs with each Marwan character for your crossover pleasure. Let’s see if we ship the same things! Some of them are crack. You’re welcome.

(all gifs again by the awesomely amazing @weardes who did not ask to be my gif factory but life’s a bitch)

Het zusje van Katia (2008)

Will you miss him if you blink? Kinda. They talk about him a lot but his actual screen time is like 43.7 seconds. Also can I just say... he’s supposed to be from Italy?? The boy says literally one (1) Italian word, and you’ll never guess what it is. (Obviously, it’s “bella” like there’s a chance he could’ve said anything else.)

Is he hot? Painfully hot.

Is he naked? There’s this one scene where he’s wearing the sluttiest pair of speedos I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Does his hair look great? Actually, yes. Perfect hair, perfect beard, he looks amazing.

Does he fuck? Yes, a lot - off screen, including an M/M/F threesome he presumably, probably, most definitely initiated.

Best paired with? From what I’ve gathered, this hoe ain’t loyal, so the best course of action is to find him a Luca that would benefit from a one night stand with no strings attached and wouldn’t fall in love with him. The obvious choice here is Valerio from Slam - Tutto per una ragazza. They meet, they fuck, then Giac makes his 4-hour drive back to Pisa, and they don’t see each other again until the next time he’s in Rome. Everybody’s happy, especially the two sluts in question.

De laatste dagen van Emma Blank (2009)

Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, absolutely.

Is he hot? Very.

Is he naked? Almost constantly.

Does his hair look great? He’s got those cute short curls, he looks so good.

Does he fuck? That’s literally why he’s there: to fuck and to die.

Best paired with? Man, I wish I had something to work with here. The only thing we know about him besides his sexual prowess is his affinity for white suits and toy helicopters. And as far as I know, those might be the exact things Fabrizio from Nina finds hot in guys. So like, why not?

Loft (2010)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character.

Is he hot? Yeah, sure.

Is he naked? There’s a scene where he’s wearing underwear and a tank top but it somehow makes him look like a kindergartener.

Does his hair look great? It looks quite nice.

Does he fuck? Yes, though I wish he didn’t.

Best paired with? Tom is a very violent person and a drug addict. He does messed up stuff to his sexual partners I’d rather he didn’t do to any of Luca’s characters. Feel free to use him for your sadistic fantasies or as a villain or whatever.

Rabat (2011)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s one of the three leads.

Is he hot? Oh yes! And cute!

Is he naked? He’s at the beach wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

Does his hair look great? He’s got this extreme undercut thing that would look ridiculous on anyone less pretty, so like no, he doesn’t have great hair, but also like it’s Marwan, you know what I mean?

Does he fuck? Before he embarks on a road trip with his friends, he has an offscreen threesome with two girls he picked up at a wedding. Slut.

Best paired with? Gabriele from Waves. They’re both sweet guys who could meet in some Tunisian port and decide to sail the Mediterranean Sea together.

Black Out (2012)

Will you miss him if you blink? Not unless your blinking is very deliberate.

Is he hot? Not really. He’s a dirty cop with a shitty moustache and oral fixation.

Is he naked? No, but I wish he was: his clothes are awful. Marwan is 29 in this movie and he looks 50!

Does his hair look great? Nope. They took Marwan’s usual short hair and made it not work somehow.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? The one thing Luca’s characters all have in common is that none of them come off as bootlickers. All of them are either too soft for such a relationship or wouldn’t waste their spit on a cop.

Wolf (2013)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.

Is he hot? *gestures wildly at the gif*

Is he naked? He’s got quite a few shirtless scenes.

Does his hair look great? It’s nothing special but suits his character well.

Does he fuck? Oh yes.

Best paired with? Hear me out. I know that some people ship him with Fabio, but in my opinion that pair, while hot, doesn’t work. Here’s my pitch: Cesare from Non essere cattivo. The drug connection is still there, but in this case Majid’s problem-solving skills won’t fall on deaf ears. Cesare needs a daddy, ok? Majid can be a daddy when he needs to, especially when he has a soft boyfriend to care for. And Majid needs soft, not psycho.

Hartenstraat (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist once again.

Is he hot? Painfully.

Is he naked? There’s that iconic scene where he’s wearing nothing but black boxer briefs and boots while carrying a tray...

Does his hair look great? He’s got Joe-like curls and looks like what every male romantic lead should aspire to look like and then cry because they all fail.

Does he fuck? There’s one very unfortunate sex scene played for laughs. I’m pretty sure he’ll need therapy afterwards. I certainly do.

Best paired with? Paolo from Il padre d’Italia. Paolo deserves the best boyfriend, and who’s better than Daan, an extremely hot man who cooks? They both have daughters, so they can talk about that, I guess, and Paolo can finally have a family. Honestly, this is so wholesome I just made myself cry.

Lucia de B. (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? For sure.

Is he hot? He’s a cop. Again. But he looks good.

Is he naked? Fully dressed, but man are his clothes ugly. Is that a cop thing?

Does his hair look great? He has slightly longer curls, which is fine and the best thing about this character.

Does he fuck? ACAB. (I know this doesn’t answer the question, I just wanted to make it clear.)

Best paired with? See my bootlicker comment from earlier. While Detective *checks notes* Ron Leeflang isn’t explicitly corrupt, he’s obviously a dick, so the best I can do here is recommend any Luca character that has ever been in trouble with the law for any fics about power imbalance you want to write but aren’t comfortable with a nice Marwan playing the villain.

Bloedlink (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? Oh no, he’s there the entire time.

Is he hot? In a weird way, yes.

Is he naked? So, so, so naked. Like, leave nothing to the imagination naked.

Does his hair look great? I’d say that little rat tail is the exact opposite of great.

Does he fuck? Probably more than is good for him. I should also add that he’s canonically queer in this.

Best paired with? Rico is a pathetic loser in need of someone who’s got his life together and has a lot of experience dealing with fuckups. Enter Loris from Il mondo fino in fondo. He has a stable job and a savior complex, and with his little bro gaying it up in Chile and not needing him anymore, all he wants right now is someone to fix. I should be a fucking matchmaker in real life, for real.

Pak van mijn hart (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? Undoubtedly.

Is he hot? No. The whole point of his character is to be the lesser choice compared to a guy who looks like a completely ordinary bland white dude...

Is he naked? ...so of course he isn’t naked! What, are they gonna take this poor woman, show her Marwan Kenzari’s post-Wolf body and expect her to choose her deeply mediocre ex? Please! They’re gonna dress him in the dorkiest clothes possible...

Does his hair look great? ...and make him wear the most awful wig that was clearly run over by a truck.

Does he fuck? No. As you can observe, they tried really hard to make him unfuckable, but honestly, he seems like a perfectly nice guy.

Best paired with? You know what? Mattia from La solitudine dei numeri primi is in desperate need of some sweetness and normalcy. I’m sure Richard will treat him with kindness and respect.

Collide (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character. Out of five.

Is he hot? Very hot.

Is he naked? Not for a second! What’s up with American movies where people aren’t just casually walking around naked without any plot necessity???

Does his hair look great? His curls are so cute you guys! Look at them!

Does he fuck? Not explicitly.

Best paired with? Fabio from Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot. Again, the drug connection is there, but Matthias is soft enough not to butt heads with Fabio and, by the end of the movie, rich enough to satisfy his cravings for good living and fame. Also look at how good their color coordination is with those dark wine red clothes! Sometimes planets just align, okay?

Ben-Hur (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, especially if you aren’t watching the background.

Is he hot? Your usual Marwan hot.

Is he naked? No.

Does his hair look great? His typical short curls with a twist. I think the forehead area is supposed to invoke the Caesar cut? I don’t know. It looks fine when not hidden under that dumb helmet.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? A better script and a much better director. (Seriously, what is this blocking?)

The Promise (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there a decent amount in the first half of the movie and then almost completely disappears in the second half.

Is he hot? Very much, yes.

Is he naked? Unfortunately, no.

Does his hair look great? He’s got short curls again, but this time they’re fashionably styled, it’s magnificent.

Does he fuck? Oh yeah! And there’s no way he isn’t bi or pan in this. No way.

Best paired with? Roberta from L’ultimo terrestre. Listen, Emre Ogan may be a slut but he’s a gentleman, okay? He’d treat Roberta right and he’s got daddy’s cash to spare on hundreds of gorgeous white dresses for her.

The Mummy (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there, but barely.

Is he hot? Dangerously hot.

Is he naked? Not once! Instead we get a naked Tom Cruise literally no one asked for.

Does his hair look great? It’s your basic professional short hairdo.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? Malik is a member of an organization tracking and destroying various monsters and historical artefacts related to them. Guido from Tutti i santi giorni speaks four languages, including Latin, and is a literature and ancient history nerd which makes him a valuable asset. Malik can fight and protect; Guido is bumbling and in need of saving. Guys, this writes itself.

What Happened to Monday (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, especially not in the third act.

Is he hot? He’s okay.

Is he naked? Very naked.

Does his hair look great? They shouldn’t have greased his curls back. He looks like another victim of Fabio Cannizzaro’s stylist. Also I wish he’d either shaved or finished growing out that beard.

Does he fuck? He fucks and he fucks good. He’ll go down on you, he’ll deflower you slowly and gently, he’ll choke you if you want him to, he’ll spoon you all night, he’ll give you emotional support, he’ll murder people for you - he’s down for whatever.

Best paired with? There’s one Luca character who needs a lot of sex and even more emotional support. Alright, most of them do, but I’m thinking of Ettore from Lasciate andare. He needs it, okay? Good dicking, good spooning, a good ear, a fine piece of ass to cry into - you get the gist. Most importantly: someone who’d love him for who he is and with whom he could relax and be himself. (Also, I see you, people comparing him to Fabio. Shame on you for sleeping on this soft boy and judging him based on his appearance.)

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s kinda always present, being very French.

Is he hot? Very hot.

Is he naked? No, but I’m willing to forgive that because he looks so good in his conductor uniform.

Does his hair look great? He never takes off his hat.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? Mickey Miranda. They’re both murderers morally dubious characters who would look hot together. What else do you need? (Again, I see you, people who want Pierre for Roberta because he’s a “nice guy”, and I know for a fact you didn’t watch the movie. Spoilers, I guess.)

The Angel (2018)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.

Is he hot? Oh yes.

Is he naked? Not once, but you won’t regret it because he’s wearing excellently stylish 1970s clothes.

Does his hair look great? It looks fantastic. The sideburns (not yet seen here) are a good touch.

Does he fuck? He can definitely get it, but he’s loyal to his wife.

Best paired with? As the most aesthetically coherent and fashionably hot pair in this post, Ashraf and Primo are a no-brainer. Can you imagine Primo calling him “Angel” in different contexts? When he’s being intimidating, not realizing how palpable the sexual tension between them is, and later not even hiding his arousal? Sometimes things just work because they’re hot. That’s all, folks.

Aladdin (2019)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the main villain.

Is he hot? It’s not like he went viral for being the “hot Jafar” or anything.

Is he naked? No! Fucking thanks a lot, Disney.

Does his hair look great? He has a buzz cut under that turban but he looks good in the turban, so that’s something.

Does he fuck? It’s a Disney movie, so he doesn’t fuck - explicitly or otherwise - but he still comes off as a thirsty bitch.

Best paired with? Jafar ends the movie as a genie who’s obligated to grant his master three wishes but is enough of a petty bitch to exploit the hell out of the “gray area” and screw them over Wishmaster style. My unconventional pair for him is Lui from Ricordi? So many scenarios with distorted memories and magic-induced mindfuck. So many possibilities for awesome and messed up crossover gifsets! Don’t say I never give you guys anything.

Instinct (2019)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s very prominent.

Is he hot? I hate myself for finding him hot but I do.

Is he naked? He’s playing basketball shirtless in one scene, shaking his sweaty boobs everywhere.

Does his hair look great? His weird mohawk-like thing is honestly terrible, but if anything can make it work, it’s Marwan’s bone structure.

Does he fuck? Um, I’m pleading the Fifth on this one for the sake of good taste.

Best paired with? Prison. A very lonely, Luca-less prison.

The Old Guard (2020)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, unless blinking in your case means sleeping through the gloriousness that is the first ever canonically gay couple in an American action film.

Is he hot? Painfully.

Is he naked? Shirtless in one scene.

Does his hair look great? Soft curls courtesy of Luca Marinelli’s tireless lobbying.

Does he fuck? Not on screen, but you can just tell by the way he looks at his husband and reads impromptu poetry right to his face. And everybody knows nothing kindles the fires of passion quite like murdering homophobes together.

Best paired with? If you have to ask, you’re clearly reading this by mistake. In which case, kudos for finishing such a long and confusing post, now go watch The Old Guard and cry at the beauty that is The Immortal Marriage.

#marwan kenzari #luca marinelli #the old guard #and other movies #i'm lazy #immortal husbands #and their parallel versions i guess #crossover ships galore

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mizunetzu · 3 years

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Heyo!! Can I request a Kuroo x male reader, where yn goes to give him a love letter one day, but he sees him with his new girlfriend??? And he’s like-sad and he tears up the note and he moves on??? But then one day kuroo asks to talk to him, and he confesses to reader, but since reader already moved on he doesn’t accept??? Angsty ending if you will 💔💔💔 thank you, Mr. Mizunetzu !!

Hi paola ily paola hee hee

——————

Kuroo x reader - you did once...

⚠️Warnings - Kuroo gets a gf, angst, not so much of a good ending?

Pronouns- male, he/him

You can find part two here!

——————

“(Y/n), can I talk to you real quick?”

(Y/n) looked up from adjusting his loose kneepad, and wiped a bead of sweat rolling off his face. He turned his head to his teammates still on their diving punishment, and looked back at Kuroo. They just lost to another school again, but he got his punishment done rather early. “Mm? Okay..?”

He rose to his feet, following Kuroo out the gym door. The walk to a secluded place far, far away from the main gym was silent and awkward, not to mention suspicious. If Kuroo wasn’t one of his good friends, he would’ve thought he was about to be kidnapped. Or murdered.

Eventually, they stopped where the fenced pathway met the grass. Kuroo stopped ominously, further proving (Y/n’s) ‘serial killer’ theory. He turned around, facing (Y/n), and leaned on the railing.

(Y/n) stiffly held his hands behind his back. “So...” he rocked on his heels, trying to seem as casual as possible. “...what did you...need...?”

He was met with no response. Kuroo, instead, gripped the railing tighter, his knuckles turning a pale white. His eyes were downcast and he was sweating like crazy. He looked like he’d seen a ghost.

(Y/n) stepped forward and crouched down, so he could see Kuroos face behind the mop that was his hair. He rested his palms on his knees, trying to decide what to say.

“...I...think your hair looks nice...today...”

If it’s one thing he hates, it’s awkward silence. Not to mention the suspense of waiting on someone to say someone possibly life changing. I mean, why else should he drag him out miles away from the gym during training camp?

“Uh-If we don’t hurry up, we’re gonna miss our next match-“

“I need to get something off my chest.”

(Y/n’s) throat closed up. It was simple. The secluded area, Kuroo flushed face, fiddling and chipping the rust off the railing. He didn’t know how he didn’t see it before. He’s been in this situation plenty of times, with girls he can’t even remember the face of. But oh how much he’d love to be in this situation a few months ago.

————

‘Just do it. just do it. God, just do it. Worse comes to worse, he’s straight. It’s not like he’s the type of person to de-friend someone because they like them!’

(Y/n) gripped the white envelope behind his back harshly, crinkling it on the corners. It had a red, heart shaped sticker on the seal flap, with the words ‘To Tetsu’ written in dark pink across the back.

Both Karasuno and Nekoma were bidding their new friends goodbye, all scattered across the parking lot of Karasuno. (Y/n) paced around awkwardly, looking for Kuroo’s familiar mop of black, messy hair. He was nervous, to say the least. Very nervous.

“Ne, Kenma,” (Y/n) placed a sweaty palm on Kenmas handheld game, pushing it down lightly and forcing him to look up.

“Mm.”

“Have...have you seen Tetsurou? I need to give him something.”

Kenma hummed in acknowledgment, and nudged his head to the side. Sure enough, Kuroo was there, off in the distance and talking to someone he couldn’t make out. His back was facing towards them, and his hand was on his hip. (Y/n’s) heart pounded even more.

“Th..an..k...y-you...” (Y/n) gave a lopsided, very stressed out smile, and limped his way over to Kuroo. Kenmas eyes were drawn to the extremely obvious love-letter being wrinkled by (Y/n’s) sweaty hands. He pursed his lips.

He then looked up to the petite girl chatting with Kuroo. It wasn’t visible in (Y/n’s) line of sight, but it was to Kenma. He almost felt kind of bad.

(Y/n) stopped dead behind Kuroo, his eyes fixated on the ground as he ran through his memorized confession for the millionth time that day. He tapped on his shoulder, keeping the letter flush against his back with his other hand.

Kuroo turned around, and that was when his eyes landed on the brown-haired girl wearing an obviously oversized Nekoma jacket. From context of the scene, (Y/n) supposed it was Kuroo’s. He gripped the letter tighter.

The girl walked forward and extended her hand out. Her bubbly aura practically suffocated (Y/n). “Hi! You must be ‘(Y/n)’. Tetsu was just talking about you! You two are like—buddy buddies right?”

‘Tetsu.’ That was (Y/n’s) nickname for him. Only he got to call him ‘Tetsu’...and who gave her the right to call him by his first name?

(Y/n) glanced at Kuroo. Kuroo shoved his hands into his pocket and grinned. It wasn’t his usual shit-eater smirk, rather a genuine, lovesick dopey smile. A smile (Y/n’s) never seen before, not directed at him at least. It was a sight he wanted to burn into his mind, but at the same time, he wanted to slap that smile right off his face.

“(Y/n), this is Yumi-chan. She’s our new manager.”

Kuroo stepped behind Yumimite, and draped his arms around her dainty shoulders.

“She’s also my new girlfriend~”

“Oh-hush it, you!” Yumimite turned around and berated Kuroo with small punches, earning a playful chuckled from the Kuroo. (Y/n’s) grip on the wrinkled letter loosened.

“...ahaha! Congrats..! When...when did you two get together?” If (Y/n) was good at anything, he was good at pretending to be interested in something. Maybe he should’ve joined the drama club instead of the volleyball club.

“Mm. We got together just last week. She gave me a love letter.” Kuroo patted the girl on her head, ruffling her neat brown hair and making her blush red. It looked like it felt nice. He wondered how it would feel to have Kuroo’s undivided attention, to be pat on the head like a blushing schoolgirl. To be a small, pretty girl next to Kuroo, to have the ability to call him ‘his’. All his nervousness simmered away, replaced by a strange ache of numb.

“Well, that’s awesome dude! Honestly, I don’t know how you managed to snag a girlfriend before me...” (Y/n) slouched dramatically, quickly hooking the letter in the waistband of his volleyball shorts and tugging his shirt over it. “Especially such a cutie like her! I’m (L/n), by the way...”

Kuroo chuckled, slinging an arm around Yumimite. “Don’t go flirting with my girl now. You have plenty of girls practically throwing their panties at you.”

‘Yeah...but I’m gay, Tetsurou. For you no doubt! I-I love you-!’

(Y/n) almost wanted to yell that out. And he almost did. But he chose instead to keep silent and laugh in response.

(Y/n) bowed slightly. “Anyway, it was nice meeting you. I just wanted to say hi to Tets-uh, Kuroo...”

Kuroo tilted his head at the use of his last name, but brushed it off when Yumi hooked her arm in his. The couple bid their goodbyes, as they turned around and walked off. (Y/n) followed suite, turning around robotically and marching off.

Once he was a good enough distance away, he stopped behind a trash can and fished the letter out from his sweaty back.

He watched as the big pink words ‘To Tetsu’ bled and distort with every falling teardrop rolling down his cheeks. The water expanded and smudged the ink lighter and lighter until the words were practically indecipherable. You couldn’t tell it was a love letter anymore. Especially because (Y/n) ripped and trashed it up til it was a pile of pink and white paper shreds.

He tossed the stray flakes of soggy paper into the trash bin, watching as it fluttered and twirled tauntingly down the trash can. He quietly scrubbed at his red hot face, probably soaking his shirt with his salty tears. He rested his hands on the edges of the bin.

“Okay...” (Y/n) stretched up, spitting onto the concrete. “I...wonder...if my favorite ramen place is open...”

Strangely he didn’t feel devastated, or heartbroken at all. He just felt sort of numb. He didn’t feel the need to blast heartbreak music and cry out on his bed for hours on end. In fact, he was glad. Albeit a bit raw, and maybe a bit tired, but glad.

He got closure for the confusing feelings bubbling down his throat ever since he’d met Kuroo Tetsurou. He got his answer, and even if it wasn’t the preferred one, it was something.

The recovery process was easier than most people would think. It only took a couple long days to get him back to his prime condition. It was a given, since (Y/n) had so much other things to be worrying about. Midterms, volleyball practice, his friends. It’s a given that he would move on the things that was no longer on his priority list.

And Kuroo Tetsurou was no exception.

——

It was kind of pathetic to see such a high strung man like Kuroo so shaky and nervous. Though, he felt the same way three months ago, spending the whole golden week perfecting a letter he never got to read. What a hypocrite he was.

(Y/n) cleared his throat. “So...what did you wanna say?”

“I-just,” Kuroo swallowed thickly. “Ah-I...give me a second...”

“Okay, take you time, Kuroo~” he stood back up to his full height, and leaned on the rail across from him. It was obvious they weren’t gonna get anywhere. “So...hows ‘Yumi-chan’ doing?”

“Ah. We broke up. She’s gay. She has a girlfriend now.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. Though, good for her for snagging a girlfriend. No offense.” Kuroo mumbled out a ‘none taken.’ (Y/n) continued.

“Was that what you wanted to talk about? Her breaking up with you?”

“No! Actually, I broke up with her first. And it was...it was kinda mutual.” Kuroo sharply inhaled. “But it does have something to do with what I need to tell you.”

How could he be more obvious. (Y/n) forced a smile. It felt mandatory now. “Really? That’s interesting. Do tell.”

‘Please...Please don’t say it.’

“I broke up with her...because I had these...feelings.”

‘Please don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to read it. I don’t want to know it.’

“And you know how she’s gay? Well, I think I am too.”

‘No shit Sherlock. I don’t wanna hear it. You’ve been fiddling around with your hands like a schoolgirl. Stop it, so we can just be friends like we used to be. Don’t make it awkward. Don’t make me hear it. Please.’

“And...well...”

‘Don’t make me look at your crestfallen face when I say no. It’s too much for even me to handle. I don’t want to see that.’

(Y/n) knitted his eyes shut. A fierce shudder threatened to rattle him and cover Kuroo’s mouth, but he kept still, as difficult as it was. He braced for impact.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

There it was.

(Y/n) pursed his lips and let his smile finally drop. Kuroo looked up from his trained gaze on the ground, only to be met with (Y/n’s) pitiful expression. (Y/n) never saw his face go from hopeful and love struck to devastated and heartbroken so fast.

(Y/n) cleared his throat. He was going to lay him down gently if it was the last thing he did. “...uh.”

He never said it’d be easy, though.

“If it makes you feel better...I did like you once, Tetsurou.” He only used his full first name during important situations, as he switched to using his last name instead of his first a long time ago. A lump grew in Kuroo’s throat.

Kuroo jabbed at his chest exasperatedly. “T-then what’s the problem?! We both-“

“The problem is I don’t love you. Not anymore.” Kuroo fell silent. He was so prepared to do anything it took to win over (Y/n), but after standing in front of him now, it was clear. Watching as he looked down at him with a pitying expression that made his brain go numb. He would get no where if he tried.

“...a-anymore? You liked me before? When!? Why didn’t I know?!” Kuroo grasped fistfuls of his black hair, a cold sweat condensing on his forehead. He was so animatedly desperate it was kind of sad.

“Not too long ago. Though, you kept me waiting since forever. And I thought I could wait forever.” A sorry chuckle emitted from (Y/n’s) lips. “I watched you go though girlfriend after girlfriend, Tetsurou. You even introduced me to Yumimite when I was going to confess to you. How do you think that felt? Even I got tired of waiting.”

“You...you were...” Kuroo had never felt so helpless. (Y/n) shrugged.

“I would give you the love letter I wrote for you that day, but it’s in a trash can somewhere. Ripped to shreds. And I don’t remember the words I wrote. I’m sorry, Tetsurou.” (Y/n) sighed and patted Kuroo on the head.

“You missed your chance...”

Kuroo’s eyes stung, threatening to unleash hell, but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry. No matter what. Instead, he rubbed the back of his neck and stood back up.

“I never stood a chance, did i?” Kuroo chuckled. It was a sad chuckle, one that made (Y/n) want to cry aswell.

“That’s the sad part.” (Y/n) pressed his lips into a fine line, turning it into a smile conotated with pity.

“You did once.”

——————

Go sit there and stare at the wall in silence as you feel bad for Kuroo getting rejected by you. Go on, stare. Maybe then I’ll consider a part 2 (and if people comment or reblog asking for a part 2, hee hee.)

#kuroo tetsuro imagine #haikyuu kuroo tetsuro #kuroo tetsuro x reader #hq kuroo #haikyuu kuroo #kuroo angst #kuroo x male reader #hq x y/n #hq x male reader #haikyuu x male reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu boys #haikyuu angst

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therealtsk · 3 years

Note

tsk i’m DYING to hear your play-by-play on which worm characters have dumb fanon interpretations

UH OH YOU JUST OPENED THE FLOODGATES so the short answer is pretty much every major character but I am a high-effort bitch so let's do this: Taylor Hebert: jfc, I could probably hit a word count limit talking about Taylor alone. First you have the dumb as shit TINO (Taylor In Name Only) phenomenon where people just straight up SI as Taylor but pretend it's her and she's basically a different person wearing Taylor's skin like an ill-fitting suit. Then there's the Memetic Escalator Taylor interpretation where Taylor's Warlord era characterization is flanderized so hard that she turns into her world's version of Doomguy where her response to literally everything is ultra violence, mutilation and torture and she can totally beat up anyone you guys hahah coin sock goes brrrrr you go brutalize those totally deserving victims queen. And then there's shy, stuttering, soft spoken "useless lesbian" Taylor which is not as common but still, fuckin straight men and the way they infantize gay women. Taylor is perhaps the most consistently inconsistent characterization I've seen in fandom, it's fucking wild Lisa Wilbourn: Has two fanon settings. Taylor's best friend who exists solely to give exposition and get the "Stop Coil" subplot rolling (occasional gay subtext will be added in a way that feels fetishy) Or, the evil bitchy blonde who is first target of the SI. I constantly wonder if the people who write the frankly masturbatory SI's are aware that we can tell they're still bitter about girls not dating them in highschool. Brian: basically does not exist in fic aside from the occasional joke cause racism and also because of how popular wlw ships are in Worm fandom. you deserve better dude Alec: has a few token appearances in wormfic fandom that usually have him as the comic relief alongside Aisha, which might actually be for the best considering he's a rapist and the Worm fandom's uhhhh tendencies. Moving on- Aisha: prankster girl that alt!Taylor will adopt as a younger sibling. hopefully is not part of the totally-not-a-harem considering she's even younger then the rest of these teens Bitch: Another girl to fall into alt!Taylor's definitely-not-a-harem, but with more butch tendencies. Basically has no personality in fanon outside of her dogs Parian: SHE DOESN'T HAVE A SHOP FFS also another member of Taylor's totally-not-a-harem Flechette: yeah it's a harem Sophia: holy shit you think Brian's bad? The racism in pretty much every fanon depiction of Sophia is off the charts. Hyper-violent, super edgy, "predator/prey" speech inbound, will get humilated/killed in some new, supposedly satisfying but actually just deeply uncomfortable way, probably throw in some E88 shit too just because Emma: again, do the writers know we can tell they're still malding over the fact that the pretty girls in highschool didn't date them? fanon emma is pretty much a cardboard cut out of whoever was mean to the author. something something bitches three Madison: in fanon has a C53 fetish, occasionally is also Browbeat. don't ask why Victoria: gets hit with the blonde stereotypes even harder then Lisa, "Collateral Damage Barbie" is one of the phrases that activates my flight or fight responses. she basically is an entirely different character in fanon. bubbly dumb blonde girl with a massive temper and well other sexist bullshiit Amy: I hate even touching this character with a ten foot pole but basically is hit with the "soft useless lesbian" trope hard enough to make her into a completely separate person from her canon self. whether or not this is a good thing is still up for debate Carol: in fanon, an evil bitch who exists solely to bully Amy Mark: who? The rest of New Wave: cannon fodder for Leviathan Danny Hebert: literally stale milk instead of a personality, will probably die before the fic is over but we won't care because the author did not care either Armsmaster: hahaha robotman go brrrr or is an arrogant self-aggrandizing shit, can't interact with people without Dragon helping him 24/7 Miss Militia: fanon bat'd into team mom,

idk where this came from considering her first instinct upon seeing children is to pull out a gun holy shit wait is she actually Taylor's true mom- Velocity: canon fodder for levi Battery & Assault: sitcom wife, sitcom husband! please ignore how fucked up this relationship is if you look at it for more than two seconds Dauntless: haha armsy is JEALOUS also cannon fodder for levi Triumph: who? The BB wards in general tend to be incredibly bland, the only ones who have fanon personalities of note are Clockblocker and Vista. The former being such a huge prankster that every other line is a joke- or him complaining about how BULLSHIT Alt!Taylor's powers are. Vista is an angry kiddo who says that Shadow Stalker doesn't count as being a girl on the team The E88: no personality for any of them except that Kaiser is noble and really isn't that bad and also Purity did nothing wrong totally she's just a hot mom trying to do her best, please ignore how she exclusively targets characters of color and literally calls white criminals more civilized than miniorities- the worm fandom has something of a nazi problem i hate it here The ABB: racism and honorable samurai lung even though that has no canon basis so again, racist stereotypes The Slaughterhouse 9: This one makes me just as sad as the Lisa shit because dear god this is such a good cast of villains that fanon completely flattens to bowling pins for the Alt!Taylor of the week to mow down, why does this fandom suck so much. Anyway Jack is just the Joker, Crawler is masochistic, etc i'm moving on now The PRT/Protectorate as a whole: They are an evil paramilitary organization that pressgangs kids into signing up to become child soldiers, and somehow at the same time, they are a bunch of idiots who listen to the PR department and have stupid things like RULES that prevent capes from COMMITTING VIOLENCE. Being called "the biggest gang of all" is common and some shit like "at least the criminals are honest" is a likely statement. Cauldron: whoo boy this one really boils my blood but fanon Cauldron are just a bunch of evil idiots who can't even tie their shoelaces. basically a bunch of dudebros are upset that women run the world and that two of them essentially have "I win" powers so they have to make them lose to their SI- er, Taylor in fics so they can assuage their masculinity, which totally isn't pathetic Scion: Is at once the end all be all of worm you can't write a wormfic without scion or else it's TOTALLY MEANINGLESS because what is the point of a story if all the characters are going to DIE in a few years anyway, and at the same time is incredibly easy to defeat- this ties into how Cauldron is stupid. Scion Truthers pls shut up and go read something else okay I think that's everyone I would apologize but the only thing I'm sorry for is how messy this is

#Worm #Parahumans #Worm Fanfic #Worm Fanon #if you can't tell #I'm a little annoyed with the worm fanfic fandom #dear SI writers stop being such creeps #and nazis pls fucking leave we don't want you here go away

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chili-aux · 3 years

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Im honestly so done with aot fandom wars really. I now let people spew whatever shit they want. It gets toxic in the end. I started hating so many characters because of this irritating fandom till I realized that a bunch of teenagers dont have the right to steal my love for this story away from me. Theyre so ridiculous really it looks like a bunch of kids decided to watch AOT and miss the point entirely. Yams wrote a beautiful story that gets more interesting when you reread it. I wasnt even aware of shipping wars till I finished the manga only to realize its hellfire here. I just assumed oh Erwin loved Marry but chose the corps how sad. Shadis had a thing for Carla. Bittersweet. Oh Ymir and Historia loved each other. Tragic. Reiner is a historia simp great. Oh Levi and Hanji are closeted lovers who just cant accept they're into each other. And thats it. But I went online just to see wow manga discussions yaaay and I ran into middle school children shipping Levi with Eren/Mikasa I mean are you ok? Are you not unhinged? Do you need therapy? Seriously guys wtf? Levi/Erwin? WTF? They're literally brothers wtf? Hange/Moblit, WTF? Are you even aware of the concept of friendship and loyalty that runs in the army? Do you think everyone in the army is in love with each other wtf is this logic Im sorry Im so done with this fandom. AOT deserved better fans who'd appreciate the story and its depth. Apart from a few plotholes that made no sense. (Especially hanji's useless fking death, dude she could've lived ok its so unfair. Anyways) I also can't stand it when people start making Yuri and Yaoi ships of two clearly straight characters. I don't mind if you ship characters within a show that have some sort of legitimacy FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL. But literally changing everything about characters just so they can fit your idea of a stupid ship is pathetic. A character is so much more than someone you ship with someone. Grow tf really.

hi anon, thank you for sharing! i am tired too. i honestly cannot wait for the time i will get over this anime, but if that time comes, i will still ship levihan and probably continue making fanfics about them. at this moment though, I still hyper-fixate on this ship.

I agreed with some of your points, like that with a bunch of kiddos ruining our experience cuz damn, I've seen it a lot after I joined the fandom but I just stayed on my place and blocked a lot of them for peace of mind. And really, at first, I don't have any ship in aot not until i rewatched it for the 2nd time, that's when I have noticed levihan's bond then boom, I'm riding this ship forever. But when I dove through aottwt, I discovered that eren-levi and those ships that involved a veteran and a 104th member exist, damn I just wanna cringe so hard (or i did cringe hard) cuz why? that's fukcing illegal, my brain can't even comprehend why some people ship those characters who obviously treat each other in canon in a parental-child way.

and hange's death? so true! it's just useless when falco will have the ability to turn into a titan and fly by the later chapters -_- they're just one day away from the end of the rumbling but... fck I'm sad again.

however, i do not agree with some of your points.

disclaimer: I'm not mad anon!

eruri and mobuhan aren't illegal. people can ship them cuz of the exact reason that you said - the concept of friendship and loyalty that runs in the army. i admit I cannot see levi/erwin and hange/moblit in a romantic relationship too like how you perceived it, they're just more like superior-subordinate for me that I can't affiliate their relationship to bud in something that will surpass that. but the loyalty and friendship between those characters, i think, are enough for other people to ship them. why? because there aren't any spoken rules in shipping so we don't have the right to dictate what they ship (proshippers aren't included. stop.)

and babe, what's wrong with yuri and yaoi ships?? aot characters' genders aren't mentioned in the source material (though i see hange as nonbinary cuz of the searches that i made before when i kept on seeing gender wars that always involved hange.)

the case is, there's this term called 'projecting'. people are often doing this in the fictional characters that they love - projecting their identity or what they headcanon about this certain character that, whether we like it or not, often diverge away from the source material. i believed that there's no harm in doing so. they see erwin as gay? let them. they see nanaba as nonbinary? let them. they see levi as pansexual? let them. they ship mikasasha? let them. they ship ererei(erenxreiner)? let them.

it's pride month babe. and even if it's not pride month, people can ship yaoi and yuri. people can project their identities that they cannot express in real life to their favorite characters. and you can't stop them from doing so no matter what. that is their decision and we don't have a say on that. it's not pathetic nor dumb.

but yes, do not reduce any character to ship material. that's downright stupid. and as anon said, grow the fuck up.

thank you for sharing still. and as I've said, I'm not mad! i just want to clear some things that i don't share the same sentiment with you.

#ask #anonymous #levihan #snk #eruri #mobuhan #aot #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #fandom problems

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sadachmesarthim · 3 years

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yes this is a rewrite, feel free to fry my ass on anon about it.

content: starker being mean to each other, peter parker has Supportive Friends™, tony has daddy and mommy issues, quentin beck is a Mean Boss™, smoking, secondhand smoke.

word count: 3.0k

square filled: coffee shop au -> link to playlist here

part two is here!

a little vocab lesson before continuing: mobster = really high up in the chain of command for this group of coffee shops. they go around training new hirees, and often decide who gets to move up the line of command. they get to travel on company money, and are very well respected in the workplace. mobsters usually come in groups - siblings, hires from the same groups, etc.

Tony didn't like Richland.

Sure, okay, it was a serious step up from Federal Way. He was free from his parents, he could do whatever he wanted in a house all to himself, no one knew who he was - it was a refreshing change, one he definitely needed now that he was graduated, all grown up.

He'd moved back east about two months ago. He'd wanted to get as far away from home as possible, stretch his legs - he went under the guise of missing his grandma, wanting to go to school. He wasn't a terrible liar, either. Howard and Maria'd eaten it up, encouraging him to go as soon as he could.

"If you go now, you could get there in time for summer classes. Maybe even get a job before they stop hiring seasonally. You never know, but you might as well try!"

So here he was. Still jobless, still not yet enrolled in school. Enjoying his time in the (now autumn) sunshine, biding his time before he ran out of money. He'd planned well - he had enough cash to keep him covered for a while, as long as he didn't go blowing it.

He'd blown it.

He was a sucker for good coffee, though, and he missed Outback. He'd worked at one back home for almost a year before he left, and now... now, it was like an itch he couldn't scratch - he needed the interaction, needed to go make friends. He was too much of a social butterfly.

Yet again, he found himself in his truck, on the way to the nearest stand. He was pathetic, really. Here he was, wasting more money on coffee, when he could be out hiking or climbing or... literally doing anything else.

He knew it was worth it the second he pulled in. The cutest kid was running lines that day - shorts hugging his tight ass deliciously, in a way Tony knew his operator would get in trouble for if a Mobster or Coach saw. Christ, they lettin' just anyone work here now, that it?

He had to keep his thoughts to himself, though - the kid had just finished the cars in front of him, and was headed straight for Tony, iPad in hand. He took a breath, putting on his best poker face. He needed a fucking cigarette.

"Hey handsome! Welcome to Outback, what're we drinkin' today?" Shit, he's cute. All bright and cheery - it might be fake, sure, customer service voice and all - but boy, did he play the part well. All big eyes and wide smile. He looked up at Tony expectantly, right hand hovering over the screen of the runner iPad. Shit, he still has to order something.

"Hi, just a small iced white vanilla breve please." Tony watched as the kid pressed a few spaces on the tablet, shocked at how fluidly he moved. Tony'd never seen him at this location before, but he obviously knew what he was doing. Location transfer, maybe? Mobster? He wasn't sure.

"Perfect! I've got you in - anything else, love?" God, he was too much. There's no way this was just the sickly facade Outback enforced - no, this was all him. "Nah, I'm okay. I'm paying card today, too." He reached his hand out for the tablet, wanting to tip this kid specifically.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, this card reader's broken. The one up at the window's working though! My girl Maia'll be up there waiting for you!" He turned with a smile, skipping off to the next car.

Jesus, who was this kid? And what did Tony have to do to see him again?

•|||•

Return an application, apparently.

Maia, the girl at the window, had let him know that they were hiring. He didn't have to feign interest - he had relevant experience, could work his way up if he needed to - and he'd get to see the mystery boy again. She'd ran and grabbed a small stack of papers for him, which he dutifully filled out and brought back a couple of hours later.

The closing shift lead had briefly interviewed him, practically giving him the job on the spot. Apparently she'd met his sister on a Mob trip, before - it paid to have connections, but damn... someone in town already knew who he was. Oh well. Not a big deal. These were still new people, fresh faces - he could make a clean reputation for himself, a fresh start...

It was exactly what he needed. And if he needed to use a bit of his influence with his sister to get it... so be it.

•|||•

"Emma, please, just... don't be a dick when he calls you. I need this job, it'll be good for m-"

"Save it, Tony. I don't want your excuses. If I say I'll do it, will you leave me alone?" She was being unusually short with him. Fuck. She and Rhodey were fighting again.

"Yes, yes, anything. Thank you so much." He was met with a bored sigh.

"Whatever, dude. I'll put in a good word. Talk to you later." She hung up before he could say anything else. Whatever - it wasn't the worst conversation he'd had with his sister, but it left a lot to be desired.

They hadn't been doing well since she & Rhodey got together. It was on-again-off-again... and they were honestly both to blame. Neither one of them was good at commitment, and it showed.

It put strain on both of their relationships with Tony, and didn't do much to help keep him in Federal Way. He sought comfort in the isolation of a new town, but it didn't seem to be helping anything.

Leaving never did, but it was really all he knew how to do.

•|||•

Peter hadn’t been at Outback long, but he’d enjoyed every minute of it.

He’d gotten hired almost immediately after graduation, not wanting to waste a second of his summer not making money. It was a bit of a difficult transition - he wasn’t a big fan of Beck, his boss, and training was really overwhelming. But after he’d hit that twelve week mark... it’s like something just clicked.

He was a whiz on bar, he was making friends right and left. He and Maia’d even gone to get tattoos together a couple weeks ago during a flash sale. He was getting faster and faster at running cars, he knew almost all of his regular customers. He genuinely felt like part of the family.

That didn’t really change when Beck hired a new group, either. There weren’t too many of them, helping keep their group small. They’d been spending a bit of time in the stand here and there, going over the rules, the ins and outs of making coffee, taking their menu test.

The three he was introducing today seemed okay enough. He just barely caught the tail end of Beck's “congrats on becoming a full employee” monologue before the man set the fresh meat loose. Not that they could really go far - it was maybe a good spit's distance from corner to corner. But, if it helped them get their bearings...

He was pulled from his thoughts before they could take off too far. “Hey, Parker! Come say hi to the green beans!”

•|||•

The red haired girl was nice enough. They'd introduced themselves, exchanged snap usernames, gushed over Peter's tattoos, and bonded over the typical new job anxiety. He'd forged a sweet new friendship with Bri, and was hopeful she'd stick around. He'd seen people like her get chewed up and spit out in this industry, and he liked her.

The tall guy... was pretty boring, actually. He stayed on his phone for the majority of the introduction, opting to ignore Peter entirely. It was fine - he'd probably be gone by the end of the month. Not like they’d miss him - he barely passed his menu test, from what Peter’d overheard.

Then came Mr. Short, Dark, and Brooding - Tony, apparently - Peter remembered him from a few weeks ago. He’d given Peter a poorly concealed once-over, tried to take the runner iPad from right out of his hands... if he wasn’t so attractive, Peter’d pin him for a fuckboy.

Despite how much he looked like he’d wanted to back then, when given the opportunity, he didn’t really engage with Peter. He apparently wasn’t the type to keep eye contact, go in for a hug, make small talk. 0 for 2. Disappointing. Oh well. That’s fine - Peter was perfectly content as the only guy at this location (sans Beck, of couse). Too much testosterone didn’t foster a healthy working environment, and they all knew it.

The girls, especially. They all gushed over Peter - apparently being the token gay guy in the stand somehow made him exempt from the targetted harassment. Nearly every guy they’d hired had left within 9 months - coffee was definitely a female-dominated field.

Peter was excited to see how these two fared.

•|||•

The tall guy was gone within a week. Didn’t even leave notice, just up and stopped showing up to his shifts. Not that it was the end of the world - he was still in his probationary period, so he wasn’t even making tips. No sweat off Peter’s back.

Bri did really well, in comparison. Beck was unusually strict with her - lashing out during her initial first shifts, generally being a hardass. It was unnecessary, and everyone knew it - Peter often found himself having fridge or bathroom meetings with her to help calm her down. But she kept showing up, kept trying, and after a few weeks she was doing just as well as Peter and the rest of them.

Tony was even better. Peter’d heard through the grapevine that he’d worked at a different location when he was still in school. Why he had to go through training again was lost on Peter - Beck tended to be thorough when it came to these kinds of things, but Tony was arguably more experienced than some of Peter’s coworkers...

Apparently, it’s because he wasn’t one to play nice.

•|||•

It took them quite a while to work together. Peter’d found himself getting the shit end of the schedule, working 7-1s religiously. It was by far his least favorite shift - dealing with the morning and lunch rushes were nothing, if not exhausting. But he pushed through, and finally got a say in what he worked - a very comfortable 5 - close.

Tony seemed to fill the between-shift gap - 2-8 was his jam. He liked working later, but still getting home before dark. Apparently being a newbie meant drawing the short straw sometimes -

And the short straw just so happened to be barring with the twink from a few weeks ago.

He hadn’t been... avoiding him. Tony just... didn’t like the way he worked. Peter was flighty, always moving. It irked him... he was just so much, it made Tony’s head hurt. If he wasn’t so engaging he might actually piss Tony off - but he knew the kid had nothing but good intentions, and that made it bearable.

It didn’t translate to the bar, though.

It seemed nearly impossible for them to work well together. Tony’d been assigned the milk station for the last three hours of his shift - a long stretch, but nothing he hadn’t done before. Peter was on shots almost the entire time. Poor kid.

Tony’s sympathy ran dry when they actually began working. They were almost always on top of each other - Peter crowding his space and trying to do too much. It grated on Tony’s every nerve, made it difficult to function. Peter didn’t seem to notice at all - or if he did, he didn’t care.

It came to a head when Peter went for the fridge.

It was a pretty well-known rule that the person on shots doesn’t reach for the fridge. Not only was it too far away from their position on machine, it requires them to go behind their bar partner, which is dangerous in a shop this small. Hot liquids, ice, sugar... they can cause spills, burns, falls...

So of course this dumbass goes for the fridge. Opens the door. Grabs a can of cold brew with his bare hands before turning back around.

And running into Tony face first.

This would have been fine if it were literally anything other than a cold brew. This would have been fine if Tony wasn’t holding a fresh drink! But no - the universe lined things up just right, laid out the most well-planned disaster.

As they made contact, Peter’s hands flew up in shock, dropping the very pressurized can. It exploded as it hit the concrete, spraying nitrogen and foam-y coffee all over them. This caused Tony to let go of the drink in his hand, coating both of their lower halves in hot, sticky milk.

It was picturesque, the mess they made.

Tony looked up at Peter in absolute shock. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! Why were you in the fridge?!”

“I was just trying to help! You were busy, I figured I could-” Tony cut him off before he filled the stand with more hot air. Not in the mood for his bullshit excuses.

“I don’t care how busy you think I am - you ask before doing something outside of your station. Do you understand me?” The look in his eye was one Peter’d never seen before - it probably should have scared him, but frankly, it just made him angrier.

“Who do you think you are to be giving me orders?” He was huffy, he could feel his cheeks burning red. He was an angry crier, and knew he was struggling to control his face.

“My sister’s a Mobster. I think I know what I’m doing.” Oh. That explained it - his experience, his proficiency on bar... why he was such a dick. Peter’d never met a Mobster he liked, and if this guy was related to one... shit just made sense.

•|||•

He spent the remaining few hours of Tony’s shift hiding in the back. They were better off separated, and neither complained. Tony could handle himself up front, and Peter was productive enough. He had chores to do, dishes to finish, the closing list to start... Getting an early start benefitted everyone.

By the time 8 rolled around, the atmosphere in the stand had relaxed. They’d both had a chance to clean up, the girls on window had helped ease the tension with casual conversation. Bri had been running, and Peter spent plenty of time in the back with her, hushed enough to avoid the ears a few feet away.

“I don’t see why he gets to walk all over us. You’ve been here longer, and the attitude isn’t necessary.” She was sitting on the edge of the sink, goldfish making their way to her mouth between words. “You know I don’t like him. I don’t see why you keep trying to be nice.”

Peter sighed. He knew she was right. “I just... I don’t want anyone here to feel left out, or like I did at the beginning. Beck can be mean... I want all of you to feel welcome.” It wasn’t a lie, either - he’d made a point to make everyone feel at home, to make this stand a family. Until Tony showed up, he’d been doing a great job.

“I know buttercup. Just... don’t go bending over backward for someone that won’t even look you in the eye.” With that she hopped down, ready to clock out.

Tony shuffled past them both, excited to do the same. Maia’d taken over the bar for him, alleviating him just before the four minute window was up. He didn’t even excuse himself, just inserting himself in their personal space without concern.

Bri shot Peter a look before she left. Talk to him!

He opted for bravery. He deserved an apology for Tony’s harsh words earlier today, and he was going to get it.

He checked the cameras before walking back, making sure Maia wasn’t gonna wind up swamped if this took longer than necessary. Tony was collecting his things - he had to do this fast.

“Hey, listen.” Tony looked up, unamused. “I know we didn’t exactly have a good shift, and yeah I’m partly to blame for that... but Beck doesn’t really vibe with hostility, and the girls...”

Tony cut him off halfway through. “What, it makes them uncomfortable? They don’t like it when a man takes charge, has a little outburst? Sheesh, y’all really are a mess.” What the fuck?

“Okay, seriously. I tried to be nice. You owe me, and the rest of us, a serious apology for today, or I’m going to Quentin about it. It’s not that hard to say you’re sorry, Tony.” Good job Parker, firm boundaries.

“I’m sorry? Sorry for what, doing my job? Fuck that, man. I’m out of here.” He opened the door and left, skipping past an oncoming car and heading toward his own.

Peter followed him. It was stupid, sure - but he needed to assert himself here. This was his stand, his home - and he was damned if he was going to let some... some asshole trample all over his home like this.

He caught up to Tony quickly, stopping him before he could open the driver’s door. “Why are you such an asshole? The girls are obsessed with you, you clearly have a leg up against everyone else in your group. There’s no reason for you to be acting like this, dude. You’ve been here all of what, a month?”

Tony took a long drag from his cigarette before answering. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. Now be a good little closer, and run inside. Finish your shift.” He exhaled the smoke into Peter’s face, getting into his car and driving away without another word.

What a douchebag.

#sorry i just flat out didn't like this #sfsummerbingo21 #starkerfestivalsevents #starker #peter parker/tony stark #peter parker x tony stark #coffee shop au #.mine #i'm so sorry mads #i know i'm a pain in the ass

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elentiyawhitethorn · 3 years

Text

Sneaking Around | Chapter Six

Aelin clicked on Rowan’s contact. want to get out of here? She made sure to keep her phone angled away from Manon, who was smirking next to her.

A moment later, he responded. I thought you’d never ask.

you’re not still pissy about me judo flipping you?

I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ll just have to get you back for it. Aelin blushed at the implications.

“What, is your sweet boyfriend sexting you?” Aelin had almost forgotten Manon was there.

“Shut up.” we’ll see about that

I’ll leave now. You come in a few minutes.

alright

You sure you remember where I live?

yeah, i think so

Aelin heard Rowan’s voice distantly saying he was off. Not wanting Manon to put it together, she started speaking. “So, you don’t mind if I ditch you?”

“And have you spend the night lusting after some dude? No thanks.”

“You’re one to talk. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve gone to gay bars as your wingwoman.”

“That was only a few times and I am grateful, but I still get to tease you. It’s my job. Shouldn’t you be leaving now?”

“So anxious to lose my delightful presence?” Manon rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m off now.”

They walked into the living room to find Rowan already gone and Vaughan on his way out. Good, that would be a little less suspicious if several people were leaving. Aedion and Lysandra had rejoined the group. Manon said, “Aelin’s headed out to her secret boyfriend’s place, so looks like I’m stuck with you losers.” Yes, Manon was very genteel.

Everyone tried to get her to spill, but Aelin just said, “See you Monday.” Then she flipped them off as she walked out the door.

The drive was short, but Aelin was jittery, desperate to get her hands on Rowan. And she had unintentionally memorized his address.

She walked up the stairs to the second floor quickly. Aelin lacked the patience for an elevator ride right now.

Upon reaching the landing, she caught sight of Rowan leaning against the wall next to his open door. “You certainly got here quickly. So eager to-”

Aelin cut him off with a hungry kiss. His lips began to move against hers and he grabbed her, pulling her into his apartment. Rowan kicked the door closed, then pinned her to it. He used one hand to lock the door and the other to unzip her jeans. She grinded against his hand, bucking her hips forward.

Rowan pulled down her jeans, waited for Aelin to step out of them, then picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. Aelin shrieked as he carried her to his bedroom.

“That’s what you get for judo flipping me.” The damned bastard was chuckling.

He tossed her on the bed, then swiftly unclothed himself. Rowan looked up to find Aelin had done the same, and was now lying seductively on his bed. She let her legs spread.

Rowan, panting now, climbed on top of her. She moaned as his hips pressed against hers. Neither one of them could get enough of the other. Both of their hands were roving accross the other’s body. Aelin’s tongue parted his lips.

Her hand drifted down to caress him, and Rowan groaned. He let Aelin push him off of her then move down to take him in her mouth. Rowan moaned Aelin’s name. Yes, she could get used to this.

Light was streaming through the curtained window. Aelin awoke to find Rowan’s arm around her. She was pressed into his side, fitting like a glove.

Aelin gently slid out of his grasp, then put on his shirt from the night before. It was so large, she nearly drowned in it.

Then she walked out to the kitchen. If he was going to carry her around like a sack of meat, she would feel no qualms about raiding his fridge.

Rowan walked out ten minutes later in another pair of sweatpants to find Aelin dressed in his t-shirt, devouring a bowl of cereal. “Make yourself at home, why don’t you,” he said sarcastically.

“Thank you, I will,” replied Aelin. “Though I’m rather disappointed to find all this health junk. You need to buy some Fruit Loops.”

Rowan smirked. “Planning on eating breakfast here often?”

Aelin blushed. “Just in case.”

Rowan poured himself a bowl of the “health junk.” “Well, I wouldn’t mind if you did.”

Aelin blinked, then smiled.

“Did you ladies really sign up for mixed martial arts?” he asked.

Aelin laughed. “Yes. Lys and I had been taking it for a while, and we convinced the others to join. And I still can’t believe you bet against me!”

“How was I supposed to know you’re a fucking ninja?”

Aelin laughed again, louder this time. “I like that almost as much as fire-breathing bitch-queen.”

“That was meant to be an insult when I came up with it.”

“That makes it even better.”

Aelin hadn’t felt so happy in a long while. They finished breakfast, then Aelin said she should leave.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Aelin asked.

“You should stay. It’s still the weekend.”

Aelin’s heart raced. “And if I were to stay, what would we be doing?”

Rowan’s sultry smile was answer enough.

Aelin pulled up at her apartment just past six o’clock. She had totally lost track of time, though she didn’t regret it. Rowan had spent the better part of the afternoon coaxing noises from her she didn’t even know she could make.

Upon entering, Aelin found Ansel at the table eating Chinese takeout. “I wasn’t sure you were coming back,” she said with a raised brow. “I got extra in case you did.” Ansel gestured to the other container of Chinese.

Aelin replied, “Thanks. I need to change first.” She was still wearing last night’s outfit. Again. This was becoming a habit.

When Aelin came back out in a t-shirt and yoga pants and sat at the table, Ansel just looked at her. Stared, like she was seeing deep into her soul.

“Okay, you’re going to have to stop that. It’s freaky,” Aelin stated.

Ansel sighed. “I’m working on my tell-me-all-of-your-secrets stare. Ugh, just fess up, will you?”

Aelin tried not to laugh. “No. Stop prying.”

“I know I blab a lot, but if I swear not to tell a soul, will you at least answer, like, some minor questions? I have nothing else to do with my life.”

Ansel looked so pathetic that Aelin hesitated. “If you won’t tell anyone, you may ask some things. I might not answer, though.”

Ansel immediately brightened. “Great. Okay, I’m assuming his name is a no. Mm, do you like like him?”

Aelin could only imagine if Ansel went and told the others, including Rowan, that she liked the dude. That would be humiliating. Ansel wouldn’t break her word, though. “Yes,” she answered firmly, surprising herself. She realized she did like Rowan a lot, though.

Ansel smiled. “Interesting. I can only assume he works at the office because of your secrecy, not to mention hooking up with him at an office party. Do I know him?”

Most everyone from the office went to the bar; this wasn’t a revealing question. “Probably.” Okay, definitely, but whatever.

“Is he good in bed?”

“Gods, Manon asked the same question. You perverts. Yes, he is very good in bed.” Aelin was tiring of the interrogation and also started to get nervous she might reveal something. “I’m done with the probing now. Want to watch Grease?” The two of them lived for old movies. They had seen Grease about a dozen times already. She knew the offer would be enough to get Ansel off her back.

“Sure. I’m not done with you, though.”

Aelin rolled her eyes. Then they spent the evening watching movies and gossiping about their friends. Luckily, Ansel seemed to have dropped the subject of the secret boyfriend for the night.

Yes, it could be troublesome to deal with her friends’ inclination to snoop, but she and Rowan would tell them if it got serious. Was it heading in that direction? At first Aelin had thought the attraction was purely sexual, but then they talked and laughed he made her heart flutter and Aelin wasn’t so sure anymore. The only question was whether Rowan felt the same about her.

Out of pure desperation, Aelin pulled out her phone. help im bored.

If Rowan was the type to use emojis, he surely would have sent an eye roll. He wasn’t though, and he annoyingly wouldn’t stop using correct grammar and punctuation. Prick. Only a minute after Aelin texted him, Rowan replied, What’s Ansel doing? Is she still at Fenrys’?

she’s currently laying on my lap sound asleep. not before finishing the fried rice though

Poor thing. Aelin could feel the sarcasm oozing out of that text. What do you want me to do about it?

be entertaining. tell a joke or something. im lonely

You’re a very needy person.

i am not

You certainly were today. Aelin blushed at that.

tell me rowan whitethorn is not sending me dirty texts! i should block you or something

Needy and overdramatic. No surprise there.

you need to work on your flattery skills

Fine, then, Your Majesty. You are the most genteel, sensitive, kind, and respectful person I have ever met. Please accept my sincerest apologies. Aelin snorted at this.

*sigh* you could at least try to say something accurate like awesome or fascinating or something. we all know im not nice

How true.

stop bullying me. ask me on a date

Is that an order?

yes

Would you like to go on a date with me?

hmm... i’ll have to think about it

Why do I even bother?

because im irresistible

I’m going to sleep now. Work tomorrow. You should too.

night

Goodnight.

Rowan was right; she should get some sleep. Even if she wanted to text him all night.

“Ansel, up.” Aelin poked her on the forehead. “I can’t get up with you snoring on my lap.”

Ansel was nearly impossible to rouse. Aelin settled the matter by shoving her off onto the floor, which earned her a severe scolding.

In bed, Aelin couldn’t stop thinking about Rowan. It got to the point where she couldn’t help but shove her hand under the waistband of her yoga pants, getting off with the help of the thought of his capable fingers.

Great. Now Aelin was just praying she wasn’t going to start blushing and batting her eyelashes at him. She wondered if he was thinking about her as he touched himself. Probably not. He was probably asleep, untroubled by thoughts of her.

Rowan Whitethorn was distracting Aelin from... well... everything. Maybe if she tried thinking about when they hated each other. Or when she judo flipped him. Yes, think of beating him up.

How was Aelin going to handle work tomorrow, being able to see him but not touch him? Rowan Whitethorn. Damn him.

#rowaelin #tog #sneaking around #my writing

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flying-elliska · 4 years

Text

Just watched The Old Guard yesterday....I have Emotions. Compelling characters, excellent rep, great action scenes. I see why tumblr is obsessed with it.

SPOILERS + lil essay incoming

It's not perfect obviously. It drags in places and I think it needed more flashbacks for the immortals that would have given that extra oomph (maybe they definitely couldn't afford that - the few historical flashbacks we got looked kinda cheap tbh). You feel like there is so much interesting stuff under the surface that isn't explored fully - how they got where they are because it does, at times, seem even more compelling than the present (which is already quite interesting, don’t get me wrong). The bad guy doesn't feel as scary as he should be, either - he lacks presence, he could have been more pathetic or more unhinged. The dialogue was a bit overly sparse in places. But overall, I loved it. Charlize Theron as queerish action queen badass with a gruff exterior but a core of goodness is like...my jam. And it NEEDS a sequel.

Some more thoughts :

- The tone of deep melancholy and sadness that pervades the film is so interesting. Yes, most of the main characters are the gruff action hero type who say little ; but there is so much underlying emotion there too, love and loyalty and loss, in the way they are played and interact with each other. So it doesn’t come over as the stereotypical macho cliché of ‘gotta repress those feelings and BE TOUGH’ - you really feel as if 1) those characters have spent so much time together that they function really well as a unit, they don’t need to talk a lot of the time, they just understand each other and 2) there is so much real grief and sorrow there that words wouldn’t properly adress it and it’s no use trying. AND at the same time, they still get an arc of ‘caring about the world is still good, actually.’ As an action movie fan who hates the ‘cardboard stoic is the only way to survive’ tropes of the genre, this movie just made me very happy. They have this intimacy within the group that feels so real and like...battle forged found families, again, my jam, but they’re also tied together by loss and loneliness and having no one else who understands. It’s so JUICY in terms of character dynamics. Nile’s more innocent but still a fighter thing fits very well with the older, more cynical ones. The ending, where they punish Booker with a century of loneliness for betraying them but ultimately still recognize why he did what he did and that he’s still part of the team...but that he might not ever see Andy again...my heart.

- Also, it reminds me of this essay I read about how violence/battle/injury in film is often used an excuse to show male intimacy in a way that is not allowed anywhere else but in this movie, you both have platonic intimacy (and also between Andy and her team, which is cool! love a good m/f platonic soul bond!!!) AND you have a couple of dudes who both fight together and are actually lovers, which is awesome. The scene in the van is just so bloody brilliant because you have that idiot soldier who is at the level of homophobic taunts, ‘haha is he your boyfriend’ as if that was supposed to threaten their masculinity (because in their world it would). But Joe and Nicky are just way beyond those puerile games - they also met in this context of violence but because of their immortality, they were able to turn it into love. And it’s the thing that allowed them to survive the centuries with a relative level of happiness compared to the two others because they have each other. I love this because it 1) grounds gay love in history and clearly shows it as something that has always existed and can be an epic love able to withstand almost a thousand years (whereas gayness has been so often coded as something both modern and ephemeral) and 2) presents it as wiser, deeper and a lot more badass than the path of repression and violence as a baseline for men to interact even as a lot of male socialization is build up as brutal to avoid it so like YEAH !!!!! GOOD!!!!

- This is another movie that really REALLY shows the importance of having ppl who are not white and/or dudes behind the camera. (It was still written by one but I still feel a difference).The two leading ladies are never objectified, and their main emotional dynamic during the movie is with each other. The audience surrogate, who is also the emotional pivot of the movie who causes the other characters to change, is a young Black woman (especially since apparently Nile’s role and her relationship with Andy was expanded from the comics). Andy is the leader/main badass and mystery of the story in a way generally reserved for men. There is that scene, too, where Andy gets her wound patched up by a random woman in a pharmacy, which causes her to reflect on the good of humanity and the importance of good actions in a chaotic world. Chiwetel Eijofor’s villain being allowed complexity and a sort-of redemption. But it’s also more specific things in the way the movie is shot - especially in the non-Western countries. In action movie tropes, you have this cliché of ‘picturesque but dangerous’ ‘exotic’ locales, who are often used as the backdrop for action scenes, which is...not awesome tbh. This movie does take us to those countries, and there is action, but it’s also shot in a very humanizing way that reminds us that this is a real place where real people live : Nicky saying hello to the locals in South Sudan in their own language, Nile asking the Afghan women for help in the beginning, shots of kids playing with balloons, etc. The team accepts a mission in the beginning to rescue kidnapped Sudanese girls in the beginning - in most action movies often the populations to save are white/Western whereas locals/POC are shown as ‘tragic but acceptable collateral damage’. Or for instance, that scene in Marrakech’s Jemaa El-Fna square - a lot of the time foreign markets only appear as a ‘chaotic, dangerous’ backdrop for action to be ransacked through without a care ; here it’s just a cool lively place for the team to meet their contact, normalized instead of exotified. It’s shot the same way as the scenes in France, it’s interesting to look at and the shots take advantage of the beauty of the location but there are no weird color filters or shots that suggest that the place is bizarre, threatening, Otherized, etc. (Also interesting that most of the scenes in France take place in abandoned buildings like a church that’s half in ruins, a mine, etc...interesting reversal lmao.) The movie is not anti-imperialist by any means but it’s still...a tangibly different gaze, especially for an American movie, and it makes it a lot more humane and interesting.

- Overall, it left me wanting more, mostly in a good way. This could have made such an excellent series too. They seem to be setting Quynh as a villain for the next movie and that could be really interesting but I really hope they’re going for a ‘tragic villain gets redeemed in the end’ (with a side of lovers to ennemies to lovers with Andy...their story seems to have so much potential in such an epic tragic way) instead of ‘psycho lady too far gone to save’ thing. And that we get more flashbacks from the immortal’s pasts. Since it seems very successful, I hope we do get that sequel once the film industry starts again.

#the old guard #movie review #the old guard netflix #charlize theron #representation matters #ellie watches movies

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joshslater · 4 years

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Cheat Day

This is a rewrite of a story I read like a year ago and forgot to bookmark in any way. Please sent a note if you know where to find the original... Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

Michael stared at the door. There was still time to back out. To go back home and accuse Tom of cheating. Although Michael was assertive, tough even, he didn’t like confrontation. Not real, emotional confrontation. As soon as he saw the text he knew it wasn’t just another Grindr hookup. He and Tom decided very early on that sex and love were two very different things, and whatever they did to each other in the bedroom would only get better if they had inspiration from other encounters.

Still, looking at the door it felt like cheating. He had been pacing the apartment for minutes in a mix of emotions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, disbelief. He had opened all the hookup apps he had in an impulsive fit of desperately seeking a revenge fuck. A revenge fuck with someone else. It was only minutes later that he had found Jonathan, who appeared as eager as him, nearby, and with a matching profile. Gay bottom who needed a quick fuck.

Now in front of the door he wasn’t at all as sure anymore. Standing someone up wasn’t cool either. At the very least he should say sorry in person. He rung the door.

Almost instantly the door flung open and a revealed a good looking guy a year older than Michael, according to his profile. “Hey, big dude”, he said and placed a long, sloppy kiss on Michael. There wasn’t really any size difference between the two. In fact, apart from their faces they looked pretty much alike. Two skinny guys in their late twenties with a few days shade, similar haircuts and tattooed sleeves that looked the same if you squinted a lot. They even dressed alike, tight jeans and casual, high quality untucked shirt, rolled sleeves and not buttoned all the way up. ”You’re really gonna like this.” he said when he finally peeled away from the kiss. Michael could nothing but agree.

“I’m Michael. I guess I should ask if you are Jonathan, but with that greeting I would be very disappointed if I had to leave.” Jonathan smiled a wry smile. “Trust me, you are not leaving without my permission”, and he placed another slobbering kiss.

“I like your hair. I guess you need something practical with all the gym time you clock. Fits with the whole dumb jock image you’re going for.” If Michael had a dumb look, it was because he had no idea what Jonathan was talking about. He hadn’t been in a gym for months. He could live off donuts and coffee and still not put on any weight, try as he might. Jonathan’s hands were all over him, while he kicked the door shut. “I bet it takes a lot to keep such a muscled body. I bet you meal prep twice a week, eat five times a day, and stay off all processed food, all sweets, all alcohol. That takes some serious dedication.” Oh! Michael could see what he was doing. He was setting up a role playing scene.

“Lifting is life, bro” Michael tried. “There’s my fucking gym bro. It’s all about the gains and looking good naked. That’s why you shave everything below the nose, right? To make the muscles show better.”

Jonathan smiled and kissed Michael deep again, while his hands where all up inside Michael’s shirt. Michael had never shaved anything except for his face, and recently he hadn’t bother with anything but running a trimmer a few times a week.

“It’s time for your post-workout shake, right? Best time while you still have that after sweat glow. I have it ready in the kitchen for you.” “Thanks. Sure is, bro”

Michael couldn’t remember when he last had one. Years ago at least. It was chalky and not at all something he would ever ask for again. He followed Jonathan into the kitchen, and as soon as he entered Jonathan threw a plastic shaker at him. “Catch! Chug it! You’ll love it.”

It tasted like vanilla. Strangely he did like it. Had he even had lunch, or was that forgotten too in the whole text message and cheating business? Something about Jonathan made both his dick and thinking really hard. No other bottom he’d met had ever been so assertive, so in charge. But bottom and sub were different things, and he couldn’t deny that it made him want to fuck his brains out all the more. So when Jonathan led him to the bedroom he was actually worried the amount of pre-cum would show.

“Let’s stop cosplaying and get this shit off you!” Jonathan said and ripped Michael’s shirt open, sending buttons in all directions. “What the hell, bro?” “You know anything with buttons are too inconvenient. You never use them.”

He unbuttoned Michael’s jeans for him. “Get naked and get in bed.” Confused he did as he was told and kicked off his shoes and slid down his jeans and boxers. Not only was his dick and balls slippery and shiny of pre-cum, but all of his body was glistening of sweat in the dim bedroom light. As he stepped out of the pile of clothes he realized he was completely smooth. Not a single hair as far as he could see. It made sense, since he was playing jock and it would make the muscles really pop, but something about it wasn’t right. He reached for the socks, but Jonathan stopped him. “That’s enough! On your back!”

Michael might be playing a dumb jock, but he knew something was terribly wrong. Very slowly he sat down on the bed. His arms looked pathetic. The rest of the body too. But that was just disappointing, not really something to be alarmed about. Jonathan stepped forward, grabbed both his legs and raised them from the floor, forcing Michael on his back.

“Let’s fuck you into shape, shall we?” he said and thrust his dick into Michael’s ass. Michael wasn’t prepared at all for the onslaught and sounded an indiscreet yelp. His brain was going through questions, looking for the right one. Why was he lying down while Jonathan was standing up? And again, a second thrust. Why was he almost naked while Jonathan had only unbuttoned his jeans? A loud belch escaped from him. He could feel his stomach churning. Why was he the one getting fucked and not Jonathan? As the third thrust hit he could feel an ache reverberate through his whole body.

“Tom likes being the big spoon, doesn’t he? He likes that while you are the one bossing him around, he is the bigger one, the one that protects you while you sleep, even though he doesn’t have much muscles.” Wave after wave of pain was flooding Michael. He felt like he really ought to know who Tom was. It was somehow important. Jonathan was fucking him with, deep, slow strokes. “He doesn’t like big, bulky muscles. They gross him out. The upper body is the worst.” Michael wanted the pain to stop. It felt like he was being stretched on a rack. “Big, bouncy pecs that puff up and out the chest. Big delts that makes the shoulders look wide and clumsy. Huge traps that misshapes the top of the shirt. And worst of all, big, bulging biceps that strains the fabric of any normal sleeve, and risk tearing it if you bend your arm. He hates it all.” The pain was ever shifting for Michael. The bone crushing pain mutated into a burning sensation. He let out another long burp. What was Jonathan talking about again? It was so hard to concentrate.

“And legs! Big, thick thighs that makes it impossible for you walk properly and pushes your junk out, so it looks obscene whatever you do. Tom would be disgusted. The massive body and legs makes your average dick look small. Your massive balls just makes it look even smaller. And veins. Big irregular veins snaking up and down the arms and legs, like an erect dick.” Jonathan was pumping furiously now, getting close to climax. Michael’s head was spinning. He was just happy the pain had subdued into a tingling sensation. Then Jonathan just stopped and there was a second of calm where Michael couldn’t think of anything. Then they both exploded, Michael pumping squirts after squirts of warm cum up in the air, while at the same time he could feel Jonathan emptying his load inside of him. Both of them appeared to have limitless supply. Michael felt something else as well, how the body was shifting. It felt like he was moving around, or like the sheet was being pulled from under him.

No, he wasn’t moving. He was growing, he realized. It was as if Jonathan was inflating a balloon with his cum. He himself was emptied his balls all over himself in an uneven smattering of sticky frosting. He realized everything Jonathan had said about Tom was true. He was rapidly turning into the kind of body Tom would laugh at. Mock. Be repulsed by, even. “Please. Please stop. Whatever reason you think you have for doing this, it’s wrong. This is all wrong.” Jonathan raised an eyebrow while shooting a last few shots of cum into Michael.

Jonathan withdrew and stepped back a step, panting and clearly exhausted. “Yeah, this is wrong.” With his dick still out of the jeans he climbed into the bed next to Michael. Michael wanted to shrug back, to get away, but his body just laid there like a sack of whey. Without hesitation Jonathan placed his hands around Michael’s throat and started to squeeze. “No! Please! Don’t kill me! Please, stop doing this.” The pitch of his voice was slowly going up, until the last two words when it crashed down octaves. “Please, just stop”

Michael’s voice was deep, touching on African American, but still somehow youthful. “That’s better. Now, sit up beef boy, I want to show you something.” Jonathan slapped Michael on the shoulder with a wet and meaty thud, got up from the bed, and went to the wardrobes along the wall. Michael sat up in the bed, noting that he was not only more muscled than anyone he knew, but quite a bit taller than before. Jonathan opened one of the wardrobes and revealed a full length mirror mounted on the inside of the door.

Michael didn’t see himself in the mirror. Somehow the sum of the parts made a bigger impact than just seeing and feeling them on their own. He was surprised how young his face looked. Barely twenty, he would guess. It looked utterly wrong on top of that massive body. Young, dumb, and above all immature looking. Like he went to gym instead of high school and juiced his way to his twenties. If you wanted to lab grow the antithesis to what turned Tom on, this would be it. “Why are you doing this?”

Jonathan’s face twisted into a snarl of contempt, took a step back and grabbed Michael’s head between his hands, pressed the palms into his cheeks until the lips parted and forcefully spit a glob of saliva into Michael’s mouth. He then leaned down and made another long kiss. “I’ll tell you, Brad, why I’m fucking doing this.”

Brad? Michael was sitting, slacked jawed looking up at Jonathan. He glanced down, seeing his reflection in the mirror behind Jonathan. For a short moment he expected to see Michael in the mirror, but of course he didn’t. He’s Brad. Anyone can see that. Jonathan stepped in, replacing his view of the mirror with Jonathan’s erect dick.

“Suck it! You love sucking dick more than anything, you cum guzzling bottom slut! You worthless piece of shit. You were never good enough for Tom. He’s supposed to be with me! You never appreciated the way he looked at you, the way he changed to accommodate you, to be part of your life. You’re were too fucking stupid to get that! Now you are too dumb to read a newspaper. Too stupid for any joke that isn’t practical, like pantsing someone in the weight room or squirting bronzer in their butt crack.”

Jonathan still held Brad’s head with both hands, moving it back and forth to forcefully pump his dick down Brad’s throat. Brad wanted to help, to please, but there was very little he could do, beside making gagging noises.

“You don’t remember what Tom looks like anymore. You can’t remember where you met, where you used to eat together, where you lived together. You don’t even think of love or relationships anymore. You can’t plan more than to your next meal prep, fucking loser. Your life only revolves around gym, sports and sex. Those are the only things that matters, the only things you plan for, the only things you talk about.”

Jonathan let go of Brad’s head, and was just standing there panting, dick in mouth. Brad could finally start to take an active part, letting his tongue play over Jonathan’s cock head. He started to slowly suck the dick in long, deliberate motions. Jonathan collected himself, somehow relieved to have revealed his feelings for Tom, and suddenly almost surprised to be in the middle of getting a blowjob. He sounded much calmer as he continued.

“You don’t like how you look naked. You think your dick looks ridiculous and tiny next to your giant balls, so you prefer to always be fucked wearing a jock strap. You try to keep other clothes on, like you are wearing socks now, to take attention away from the jock strap. You try to have sex where and how being partially clothed makes sense. On the bench in the gym. In an alley outside. In the bleachers. In the dugout. And your massive balls are pumping so much hormones into you, you’re horny almost as soon as you’ve cum. You’ll swallow so much jizz you put it in your weekly macros.”

Brad was fully erect again, with a dollop of viscous pre-cum visible at the tip of his cock head. Jonathan was resting a hand on his head.

“Your body is never good enough. There is always more lifting, tanning, running, shaving, bulking or cutting to be done. You always want to look ready for gym, showing off what you got. Wearing bright clothes that makes people look. You want to be noticed, the center of every room you go into. How else can you get the attention to get everyone to fuck you? Loud, happy, clueless, obnoxious.”

With no warning Jonathan came again. Only a few pumps this time. Brad could feel something warm inside of him, but unlike a coffee or cocoa, it quickly spread out into all his body, and up his neck into his head. He let himself fall backwards into the bed, leaving a trailing string of cum and saliva between his lips and Jonathan’s dick, before it broke. His head was spinning. What was he doing here again. He was having sex with someone, wasn’t he? But he was still so fucking horny. In the corner of his eye he watched the guy leave the bedroom. He grabbed his slippery dick and started to masturbate. He needed to cum so badly.

The guy came back into the room with a pile of clothes, and threw it on his sweaty and cum sticky stomach. Brad felt caught and embarrassed and put both hands over his dick.

“Here, get dressed.” “Bro, you need to like fuck me.” “Sorry dude. Not my type.” “Not cool bro. I sucked you.” “Get dressed and I’ll help you find someone.” “How you’ll do that, bro?” “I’ll set up some fuck app accounts for you. I’ll even take pics and write a bio for you.” “Dope. Hurry tho. I’m so fucking horny.”

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kayr0ss · 4 years

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Butterflies

By: @shmehua1 & kayr0ss | AO3 Link

[Collab! LWA, Diakko, drabble, CollegeAU one-shot, drunk authors]

Summary: When a college jock and a nerdy librarian’s assistant gets a little more than they bargained for.

Akko steadied the paper folded ‘football’ with her finger and aimed it between Amanda’s finger goal across from her on the table. This was it. The winning shot. There’s the goal. Steady and straight, all she had to do ‘kick’ and she was a hero. She’d be the conference champ of the study hall paper football league—a league created by student athletes, who didn't need to be in study hall, but still had obligatory time requirements. They were students like Akko, who actually had good grades and really didn’t want to sit in the library for 12 hours a week.

On the other side of the table, Amanda stuck her tongue out in order to distract her, but Akko had nerves of steel. Being the star soccer player at Luna Nova University, Akko could shoot goals all day, and could never be phased.

Akko took a deep breath and tucked her index finger against her thumb. She didn’t need too much power. It was all about finesse. And Akko was the epitome of finesse.

“You suck,” Amanda whispered on the other end.

Pathetic attempt… Akko thought.

In one swift motion, Akko pushed down on her thumb with her index finger and dragged it up to the tip of her thumb before flicking the tiny paper.

Oh!

She held her breath as it glided through the air.

It’s good! It’s gonna be good!

Akko could already foretell the trajectory. She could already taste the bragging rights of being study hall champ. She could already see the fear in Amanda’s eyes as the paper football made its descent. Akko was just about to jump up from her chair and silently cheer when a voice stopped her.

“Miss Kagari!” It might have been a whisper, but the conviction in the tone could silence a damn concert. Instantly, an offending hand snatched the paper football out of the air before it could make those points.

“Gah!” Akko hopped out of her seat and flailed her hands, whispering incoherent words that could have been in several different languages. Amanda covered her face with her hands and wheezed. She sounded more like a seal with her muffled laughter and high-pitched pants. Akko was about to give a piece of her mind to whoever interfered with her game-winning play, but all words were stopped cold when she saw a pair of icy blue eyes glaring at her.

Aw crap… Akko thought as she slumped back into her chair. God damn, Diana Cavendish…

“I understand that you don’t have to be here, but can you at least behave for another hour? Some of your athletic friends actually need to be here,” Diana scolded.

“B-but! I was gonna win!” Akko tried to defend herself. She looked over at Amanda next to her. “I demand a re-kick!”

“Nah, dude. I know when to quit when I’m ahead,” Amanda chuckled and stood from her chair. The redhead collected her things and began making her way to the exit of the library. But before leaving completely, Amanda looked over her shoulder. “Thanks, Cavendish, for letting me keep my title.”

“B-but!” Akko turned back to Diana to plead her case only to be met with a book tapping gently on top of her head.

“Akko, please just read a book,” Diana sighed out in exhaustion. Akko looked up to see slight bags beneath the blonde’s eyes. She didn’t know too much about Diana, just that they were in the same year and she worked as the athlete study hall supervisor. “You’re almost done with your requirement for the week. Just get through one more hour, please?”

Akko could feel the guilt bubbling inside of her for causing so much trouble. She was known to be a little inconsiderate, but it wasn’t on purpose—she could just be a little ditzy at times.

“Yeah…” Akko grabbed the once abandoned textbook beside her and opened it up to a page she had been reading. “Sorry, Dia.”

Diana sighed, her shoulders visibly dropping. “It’s alright, Akko. Just one more hour, ok?”

“Ok…” She watched as Diana turned around and walked back to her deck, which overlooked their section of the library.

However, Akko couldn’t do it. Not out of lack of interest, in fact, Akko was very interested... just not in how the body creates muscular energy when exercising. She couldn’t stop her eyes from lingering to the blonde across the way. They focused in on the way Diana’s eyes moved seamlessly from left to right across each page, deliberately and methodically, as if she was taking in every single word and digesting it entirely. Akko couldn’t stop herself from watching Diana tuck her wavy blonde hair behind her ears. She couldn’t even stop herself from wondering how that hair would feel against her own finger tips. Would it be as soft and thick as it looked from afar?

Akko had always thought that Diana was beautiful. Her eyes were the prettiest blue, even prettier than the ocean on a beautiful summer day. Her hair was peculiar with its blonde and teal colors. Oftentimes, her teammates, like Amanda and Sucy, would make fun of the highlights, saying that she had ‘cabbage hair’. Sure, it was a clever joke, but it was far from the truth to Akko. Teal and blonde? Akko never thought those two colors could meld so perfectly, and create its own unique colors. Her skin was flawless, not one scratch or blemish, unlike Akko’s skin—which was riddled with scars and cuts from years of training and sports, and being a klutz.

Beauty was one thing, Akko couldn’t deny the physical attraction, but Diana was brilliant too. It never failed to amaze her how completely focused a person could be on work. Specifically, if said person was so entrapped by something that others might not have any interest in. Akko watched as Diana’s eyes sped through sentences in her textbook. She stared at Diana’s hand, which automatically took notes without requiring a single glance at the paper. It was commendable at the very least. Akko could see that Diana truly focused on whatever she was studying. Academics aside, she could also dish out some smartass comments that never failed to make Akko laugh. Yes, Diana was absolutely beautiful, but nothing, absolutely nothing was more attractive to Akko than someone answering her sarcasm with better sarcasm.

Akko would never be accused of being a star student, but she wasn’t a complete idiot. She wasn’t so oblivious that she couldn’t tell the difference between mere interest and a raging, gay crush. It might’ve been selfish, but Akko wanted Diana to look at her the same way she looked at Diana when she wasn’t looking. Akko often invited Diana to her soccer games, but had never seen her sitting in the stands. Akko could imagine that she probably had better things to do, but that didn’t make her feel any better.

Time passed, and before she even knew it, Akko was the only one at study hall aside from Diana, who was starting to pack up. Upon seeing this, Akko quickly gathered her things and made her way to the desk.

Diana didn’t seem to notice, even when Akko was standing right in front of her. The brunette swayed back and forth on her feet. She felt bad about earlier. Diana was actually really nice, and sometimes, Akko would catch her smiling at her, even when she was misbehaving. Maybe, today… Diana needed a break.

“Uhm… Hey.”

Good one, Akko. Such eloquence. Much smooth…

“Did you need something, Akko?” Diana slung her bag around her shoulder and smiled. But Akko could tell, that smile was forced. The happiness and energy didn’t quite meet her beautiful, blue eyes.

“You really like what you do, huh?” Akko stated; it was more of a fact than a question.

Almost as if Diana was caught doing unspeakable things, the blonde was quick to pop attention to Akko’s voice. “What I do…”

“I mean when you study.” Akko grinned happily. “Like, you’re so focused. I’ve never seen anyone so fixated on one thing before. It’s kinda more engaging to watch you study more than actually studying myself.”

Diana looked down at her feet and once again, tucked her hair behind her ear. Akko was a bit surprised to see her become so sheepish. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just think it’s cool that you’re doing something that you actually love, ya know?”

Diana paused for a moment, and looked into her eyes. “Really? Do you mean that?”

“Of course. Why would I make fun of something that’s clearly important to you?” Akko giggled. But, enough playing around. There was a reason why she was here. “Hey, listen, I’m sorry for dicking around earlier. You know… I just get bored, and I’m kinda stupid…”

“You’re not stupid, Akko,” Diana quickly interrupted, but smiled, “But I accept your apology.”

Akko felt her face heat up once she saw that pair of flawless, blue eyes again—the kind of eyes that could see right through Akko, the kind she could get hopelessly lost in and never, ever want to be found.

“Th-thanks…” Akko had to blink a couple times to bring herself back to reality. “I… ummm… I know it’s kinda late now, but…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “There’s this coffee shop by the field where we practice, and they make a great pecan pie… Can I buy you a piece?”

There it was.

It was all in kami-sama’s hands now.

Diana fiddled with her backpack strap for a while, causing Akko’s smile to immediately drop. She mentally regretted choosing now as a time to request the other girl’s time. Diana appeared exhausted, so she probably was legitimately tired and needed to go to bed, not go out with some troublemaking jock.

“O-or, we can try some other time?” She tried to save the situation from her stupid, reckless mouth, but Diana quickly moved closer. In response, Akko cut her train of thought.

“Yes, I would love to.”

The corners of Akko’s lips pulled up into a stupid, lopsided smile. “Perfect…”

---

She didn’t even like pecan pie.

But here she was, sitting in a cafe at eight in the evening and ignoring every responsibility she’d thrown herself for that night. In about two minutes, Akko would return from the counter bearing a tray full of coffee and pie, the latter of which she really, really, didn’t like but was willing to tolerate if it meant spending an hour or two with a… a--

--a crush.

Yes. A crush.

Unfortunately for the young Cavendish, the processing and subsequent expression of emotions was not a topic widely discussed within her field of study—if it was even discussed at all. She’d never admit it, but she did, in fact, watch the entire exchange between Akko and O’Neill. She even hoped, with bated breath, that she’d make that goal—that she’d be fortunate enough to witness the inevitable smile and fist-pump of victory that Akko had often made when scoring historical goals on the field in Luna Nova’s favor.

But the need to be near the brunette had masked itself as a sense of duty to uphold proper decorum within the confines of the library, and she found herself catching the very goal she had inwardly hoped that Akko would make.

Besides, seeing O’Neill squirm under her authority was more than a little satisfying.

Needless to say, it seemed to have led to the fortunate situation of getting to share some coffee and pie—that she didn’t like, but nevermind that—with her ‘crush.’ Her annoyingly jockish, bubbly, and childlike crush, who seemed to be made of sunshine and summer days, and wow, she really needed to take it easy on the romance novels, but—

“Do you ever stop thinking?” Akko’s easy-going voice pulled her out of her thoughts. Diana smiled softly as an apology. As predicted, she’d arrived with her suggested orders in tow, and the blonde noted with a bout of affection that Akko remembered she preferred tea—horrible pie choice aside.

“Rarely,” she admitted, tuning back into the conversation. About you, at least.

Akko sighed dramatically, throwing her hands behind her head while she fell into her seat, “That is just so unsurprising!”

“Is it?”

“Do you even see yourself when you’re studying? Okay—” Akko ran her hand through her hair, and Diana might have even thought there was a blush on her face, “—obviously you probably haven’t, but you have this, like, laser-beam focus where your eyes just go left-to-right real fast and—”

Diana watched, entranced, as Akko flew into a detailed description of her studying habits. She appreciated that the latter apparently bothered to stare long enough to notice her focus, but not long enough to realize that she’d been spending more and more time reading the exact same sentence whenever Akko was around.

“I’ve seen a similar kind of focus somewhere else,” Diana gently interjected, smiling at Akko’s tendency to ramble.

“Oh?”

“During the collegiate semi-finals,” stated matter-of-factly, “with our school going against Winterhold. I believe a certain someone was quite the star player of that football match with her winning goal,” Diana teased.

Akko crossed her arms, aghast, “Soccer, you mean!”

“Football.”

“No, I swear, you English peo—” Akko blinked, still managing to look charming with pie crumbs at the edge of her mouth.. “Wait, you watched that?”

When Diana leaned forward to wipe away the crumbs with a napkin, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. “I watched all of them.”

The brunette blessed her with what looked like a wondrous expression, and Diana felt her stomach tingle a little at the thought that her presence seemed to please Akko so.

“You always invited me.”

“But I never saw—”

She was looking for her?

“I mean I—” Akko stuttered, blinking. “Really?”

“Yes,” Diana chuckled. “Really.” Why was this so surprising? Akko was notoriously persistent—she should have known that at some point, Diana would cave if she asked. Of course, it was just curiosity at the start (at least she thinks so), but Diana found herself looking forward to each game more than the last. Akko was a klutz everywhere else but the field. There was a fire somewhere in her eyes, a determination that she only ever saw when Akko had her eyes on the goal—and, in some cases, directed towards her in the hours the brunette spent confined to the library.

But Diana never allowed herself to dwell much on this because assumptions were only just that—assumptions. Although, Akko had just asked her out for some late-night coffee, and she thought maybe…

Just maybe.

“Maybe what?”

Good lord, Diana inwardly berated herself for her loose tongue, realizing she’d spoken her mind. “Maybe…”

Akko had scooted forward to the edge of her seat.

“Maybe I’ll make it a point to come and find you after your games.”

The grin she received showed it was the right thing to say. “I’ll look forward to that!”

They fell into an easy conversation—mostly from Akko—about anything and everything that came to mind. She was surprised at Akko’s attentiveness, a trait she never thought she’d ascribe to the normally scatter-brained athlete. She… listened. She listened with such depth when Diana spoke about her research, and the blonde found herself amused at how Akko couldn’t sit still to read a single page of an economics textbook, but could stay focused on her ramblings about moderation and analyzing variance.

“I really appreciated what you said earlier,” Diana said wistfully, noticing that it was nearly nine in the evening. “When you said it was ‘cool’ that I liked what I studied.”

Akko beamed. Diana felt her chest swell.

“It’s all practically gibberish to me,” the brunette scratched the back of her head, still smiling. Somehow, Diana doubted that all of it was—Akko was smarter than she let on. “But I’m just happy you’re happy about it, I guess.”

With a small smile, Diana realized she was pretty happy about that herself, and laughed at the sour expression Akko had made when she said, “We’ll make a statistician out of you yet.”

Eventually, Diana inquired about Japan, and Akko launched into a quick overview that sounded like it was ripped right out of a tourism infomercial—turns out it was—and Diana, in turn, began to talk about England.

“I’ve been studying here for two whole-ass years,” Akko groaned, “but haven’t had a single chance to go sightseeing!”

Maybe she’ll take a shot.

“We should go sometime,” Diana offered.

Maybe... Atsuko Kagari’s adorably nervous invitation to coffee at eight in the evening was a sign that Diana’s crush had some hope of reciprocation.

To her utter elation, Akko beamed, leaning forward and practically slamming her palms onto the table in excitement. “I’d love that!”

“But first,” Diana said pointedly “...would it kill you to behave in the study hall?”

Akko pouted in indignation, “Hey!”

The sight of it actually made Diana laugh.

After another hour into their conversation, Diana had finally decided to try the pie. Akko said something funny just when she’d taken a bite. She hid her laugh behind her hand, but smiled, thinking to herself that: It turns out, pecan pie wasn’t bad at all.

---

Akko grinned happily as she watched a very satisfied Diana munch on pecan pie. She sighed and rested her head in the palm of her hand. If Akko could see Diana this relaxed every single day, then getting scolded in the library was worth it. Every single painful hour waiting in the library for study hall would be absolutely worth it.

The two finished their drinks and their pies, and as much as Akko would’ve loved to spend time more with Diana, they had to go home. She pulled open the door and let her walk out first.

“Oh, I actually live near here,” Diana said as she studied the street signs. “I can walk home from here.”

“Really?” Akko perked up at the idea that maybe, she could squeeze out a few more moments with her. “Can I walk you home?” she offered.

Diana smirked and poked the middle of Akko’s forehead. “Of course.”

She stood there for a moment, completely shocked by the unquestionably, sexy smirk on Diana's face, and the fact she had the privilege to walk her home.

“You coming?”

Akko awoke from her inner gay crisis, and looked to see Diana looking at her expectantly over her shoulder as she walked down the sidewalk. Chuckling to herself, Akko tried to wipe her stupid, love-struck grin from her face before jogging towards the blonde and beginning their walk .

“Of course!” exclaimed Akko once she was next to Diana. The two began to walk towards her house.

“So…” Diana began, “...did you not think that I would be able to walk home by myself?”

Akko burst into laughter. “Just tryna look out for you.”

“And who’s looking out for you?” Akko could feel the heat of Diana’s arm as it brushed against hers, and she had to do everything she could to not try and grab the other girl’s hand.

“I can run,” Akko cleared her throat, trying to keep her confidence, but their hands kept brushing together. Akko’s hands were beginning to have minds of their own because she found her fingers pulling Diana’s hand close. “I don’t wanna seem like I got an ego or anything, but I’m pretty sure I can outrun anyone.”

“I don’t doubt that…” Diana bumped against Akko, and Akko could have sworn that her fingers attempted to intentionally intertwine with hers. “I’ve seen you do it many times before.”

“I’m… I’m glad I don’t disappoint.”Akko couldn’t handle it anymore, she just wanted to hold hands… anything… Throwing caution to the wind, she tentatively reached. She could feel the electricity vibing at the tips of her fingers. It made her heart race, and goosebumps erupted all over her skin.

This was better than a paper football game. This was even better than scoring the game-winning goal during overtime over a rival team. She could just barely feel the skin at Diana’s fingertips.

“This is it,” Diana said abruptly.

Wha… what?

Akko glances upwards to see a beautiful, quaint college home standing right before her.

“I had a nice time tonight, Akko.” Diana turned to face her, thereby pulling her hand right out of Akko’s reach. She then walked up the stairs to her front door as Akko just tried her best not to scream at her missed opportunity.

“I-I had a nice time too,” Akko said as she came down from her shock. Though a little disappointed in herself, she wasn’t picky. Overall, this was perfect.

Akko waited at the step directly in front of the door as Diana attempted to fish out her house keys. She wanted to make sure Diana would make it into her home safely before heading back herself. It was unbelievable how lucky she’d gotten tonight. Not only did Akko get to have pecan pie, but she convinced Diana Cavendish that pecan pie was a godsend and the best kind of pie in the world—no one could tell her otherwise.

However, Diana was taking a long time looking for something that jingles her pocket, especially when she’s wearing skinny jeans that are really hugging her—

“I… don’t think I have my keys.” Diana quickly tossed her bag on the ground and opened every pocket, searching every crevice. She even tossed out her books as she frantically clawed her way through the bag.

“You don’t have your keys?” Akko repeated.

“I forgot that Hannah and Barbara were going out tonight… I was supposed to come straight home when we were done at the library,” Diana groaned, “Before they were going to leave.”

The realization hit Akko, she was the reason why Diana was now locked out of her house. She mentally kicked herself, knowing that Diana could’ve been sleeping and getting much needed rest instead of a mere slice of pecan pie. But Akko wasn’t the type to get down on herself! Her parents taught her better than that. She could make up for this and help Diana. Akko puffed out her chest and stood tall.

But holy smokes, when she saw the distress in Diana’s eyes, Akko all but deflated. She just felt so bad. “Hey, why don’t you… stay with me tonight?”

Akko hoped to god that she wasn’t crossing a line or being creepy by inviting Diana out a second time tonight. That was the last thing she needed, considering she had just gotten a date with Diana. For Akko, it would go in as the greatest goal she had ever scored in her life.

Diana stopped her mini existential crisis. “Oh, Akko. You don’t have to do that. I can wait, I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“You wouldn’t be intruding at all!” Akko didn’t want to push too hard, but Hannah and Barbara were known to shut down a club. “If you didn’t go out with me, you would have been in your bed by now… It’s the least I can do, but if you wanna wait, I can wait with you!”

Diana paused for a moment. And Akko was hoping that she’d see some reason behind her offer and not think that things were getting overly weird or anything. But, all negative thoughts were quickly wiped away when Diana gave her a soft smile.

“Sure.”

---

It was so, so painfully cheesy, but there was something about being lent a football player’s jersey that made Diana’s ears burn a little. For the remainder of the evening, the surname printed on the backside of her shirt was ‘Kagari’, in dark and bold lettering.

The real Kagari had been so kind as to lend her lounge wear while they lazed about in Akko’s dormitory, speaking in hushed voices so as not to wake Lotte or Sucy up. The room was dark, save for the glow of Akko’s laptop, on which they watched a film about some bank along Wall Street that Akko needed to write a paper on—kills two birds with one stone! They had to share a set of earphones, pressing up against each other’s sides so that the flimsy wiring could reach both their ears.

Diana raised an eyebrow towards a visibly distracted Akko and chuckled, “Watch.”

Akko grinned sheepishly, looking completely unbothered by the fact she’d just been caught staring, and shrugged, “I’ve got you to explain it for me.”

“You’re pushing it.” Diana playfully bumped Akko’s shoulder with her own. She then took the opportunity to summon every drop of courage in her body to urge her hand to move, darn it, move and reach across the three inches that separated her hand from Akko’s.

“You okay?” With that, there was a sudden warmth against Diana’s hand.

“I…” Diana blinked and looked down at their hands, wondering if Akko had somehow sensed her overwhelming need to hold hands and had just gone and done it herself. But then, Diana relaxed, fingers settling down into the spaces in Akko’s hand, and when she did so, she could’ve sworn the brunette had exhaled from holding her breath.

“I was thinking…” Diana decided to finish her train of thought. Screw it, she finally thought for once in her life, bombs away! “...if I could perhaps interest you in going out on a date?”

Akko blinked up at her, red eyes massively confused. “Like… a while ago?”

It was Diana’s turn to be confused. “That was a date?”

It impressed her how, even the dark, Akko could turn so visibly pink. “Well, I—”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind if it was—”

It was a date. Akko liked her back. Her assumptions had been confirmed, and the way her heart was racing faster than her mind was pushing her into overdrive. Except, Akko seemed to be getting there first.

“Shit! I didn’t even say anything and I should have made it clear. I, uh, actually thought you understood it! I-like-you-and-that’s-why-I-hang-in-the-library-and-ask-you-to-watch-all-the-time! I even tried to hold your hand while walki—”

“Akko.” She held up a hand, exhausted from trying to keep up with a thousand words per hour. The brunette happily obliged and shut her mouth. When there was silence, Diana immediately chuckled, “Let me rephrase and ask you out for another date, then.”

“So it was a date!” Akko had such a stupidly large grin on, Diana wanted to melt on the spot.

It was a date. It was a date—and she felt fantastic. The butterflies in her stomach threw a lovesick, little party. It was a proper, albeit initially miscommunicated, date, and she wanted to laugh at the serendipitous circumstance of it all.

“So, if that was—or is—a whole, proper, more-than-friends date...” Akko had tentatively begun.

Diana braced herself for mischief, Akko was hardly ever tentative.

“—do I get a whole, proper, more-than-friends-kiss at the end of it?”

fin

A/N: Hey guys - and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIANA I LUV YUUUU! I got the chance to work with the amazing @shmehua1 (yeah, the one who totally broke my heart with Broad Shoulders - please check her writing out!), so we decided to just kind of mess around and write a fic under the condition that we had to be drunk. Time zone differences aside, we managed to pull through and put this little piece of work together (There was lot of “WHAT DO WE DO NOW” “I DON’T KNOW!” “DO THEY KISS OR... HOW DOES THIS END?!”). Thank you to our special partners, whiskey and gin.

Big thanks to @koumagda for editing our whack and typo-filled draft because holy shit when I say typo-filled I really mean it cause I deadass wrote ‘smile’ as ‘smielle’ at some point ahahahaah. She did an amazing job and we’re very fortunate she could look over it! Hope ya’ll enjoy and STAY HOOOME

#Diakko #Dianakko #Diana Cavendish #College AU #Fanfic #LWA #Little Witch Academia #atsuko kagari #amanda o'neill #fluff #pining #Luna Nova #2020 #Akko Kagari #Diana x Akko

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qualidude · 3 years

Note

Could you post an excerpt of your writing pretty please?

I’m going to do this under the cut so I’m not just filling up everyone’s dash, but thanks for asking! It’s cool y’all are interested. It took me a while to decide what part would be good to share. I thought about trying to pull an excerpt from each of the three POVs, but I think that would get too long to share in a text post on Tumblr. This is part of the scene where the most characters are present at once. It’s told from Avery’s perspective. She’s basically the dyke of my dreams but also....not. I wrote a little more about her in response to this ask Co-author is @arabdyke ! Also, if you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about, follow the link above!

One thing I will say about this book is that we aren’t going for anything fancy, more going for attachment to the characters and readability (since it’s so fuckin long lol). It all takes place in first perspective, so we are just trying to achieve something that feels natural. Let me know what y’all think!

“I’m gonna go smoke,” I say when there’s finally a lull in the conversation. “I’ll come,” Ian offers, which surprises me. I won’t turn down the company though. Amanda heads off to some other part of the house while all three of us make our way outside. I take a cigarette out, lighting it. I try to exhale away from Ian, but the smoke keeps blowing in his face. “Sorry,” I crack a smile. He just smiles back wearily. “Do you think Everest likes that Amanda girl?” I ask. He sighs and shrugs, looking pathetic about it. “Probably. I don’t know. I mean, it’s fine if he does.” “Is it?” He slumps again. “I mean, yeah, it is.” “Why isn’t it fine?” I ask, ignoring what he just said. Ian looks around hesitantly like he’s making sure we’re far away from all other ears. He seems deeply uncomfortable. I seriously feel bad for this guy. He doesn’t know what I know, but even if I didn’t, I’d never be shitty about it. He probably even knows that, but it might not make it easier.

“It’s just hard to watch Everest date anyone now...after Gwen was so awful.” “Mm,” I muse. “Well, Amanda seems nice.” Rudolf’s staring at Ian intensely like he’s trying to will him into just spitting it out already. “I guess,” Ian agrees slowly. “Nice enough.” Rudolf kind of rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say anything. Ian just crosses his arms, staring off at nothing in particular. “There are other reasons too,” he mumbles, still not making eye contact. “Like...I don’t know. I like him.” Jesus. Finally. “Aw, that’s sweet,” I tease, not wanting to act too shocked or knowing. “You guys have known each other forever. How long have you been into him?” “A long time. Too long, probably. It’s stupid, right?” “It’s not stupid,” Rudolf cuts in before I can come up with a response. “You can’t help the way you feel.” Ian just shrugs. “Rudolf’s right,” I say. “It’s not stupid.” “It’s pretty hard not to feel that way,” Ian chuckles bitterly.

“Trust me, I get it…” I continue. “I was in love with my best friend too once upon a time, but it’s not the end of the world. He could feel the same way even. You have no idea.” “Yeah,” Rudolf adds. “I mean, he did date a guy once, right? You kinda left that part out before, buddy.” “We were kids,” Ian says, getting red. “That barely counts.” “Of course it counts,” Rudolf insists. “Well, he isn’t gay,” Ian says pointedly. “He literally told me he was bi just a few days ago.” Ian gets quiet and seems confused. He looks like he’s trying to figure out how that could be possible. “He told you that?” he asks finally. Rudolf nods. “He never told me that,” Ian states. I can tell he doesn’t know what to make of this new information. Is it a good thing? Mostly he just looks dazed. “He thought you knew,” Rudolf says. “He said he thought it wasn’t a big deal.” Ian takes a deep breath. “Well, I don’t think that changes anything.”

“Dude, yeah, it does,” Rudolf keeps at it. “You have a chance. That’s something, right?” Ian doesn’t seem convinced. He just looks uncomfortable, like he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Maybe,” he says simply. There’s a sense of finality in his tone like he’s putting an end to the conversation. He looks off into space again after that. I chain smoke a few cigarettes, mostly because I don’t know what else to say or do. When I’m about to reach for another, Rudolf takes it out of my hand. “We can go back inside,” he says, handing the cigarette back to me. He looks kind of shocked by what he just did like he acted without thinking. Ian sees the expression on Rudolf’s face and chuckles. “Yeah, alright, we can go back in.”I smile at Rudolf to try to ease the tension. Then I follow them inside, stashing the cigarette back in my pack. By now, it’s louder and a lot more crowded. I don’t recognize anyone, but that’s alright. Maybe it will be better if we don’t see anyone we know tonight. Ian’s surveying the room, probably looking for Everest. He gives up quickly, though. “I might go check things out in the kitchen,” I say. “Wanna tag along?” “Sure,” Rudolf nods, letting me lead the way. Ian doesn’t say anything but follows after us regardless. There are a few people hanging around the table and like Amanda mentioned, one of them’s doing trash rat tats. I greet them with a nod and then pick up some flash sheets sitting on the table, looking them over. Some of them are pretty basic, but some are cool. There’s one of a gory eyeball and another of a fat pigeon that I somehow love as much as I hate.

“Are you getting one?” Rudolf asks, glancing over the designs in my hands. “Yeah, I think so.” Ian looks along with us, but I know this really isn’t his scene. “Which one do you think you’ll get?” he asks. “Hmm, probably this one,” I say, pointing to the eyeball. “It’s so gross,” he cringes. “Yeah, I like gross shit.” “You should see her art,” Rudolf says fondly. I smile at him. “Think this suits me?” “Yeah, it’ll look good.” When the current crowd clears, the person holding the tattoo gun looks at us and asks if there’s anything sparking our interest.“This one’s pretty cool,” I say, handing them the sheet. “Sweet,” they say. “Take a seat.” So, I do. The tattooer isn’t super chatty, but that’s fine. I kind of prefer it. I decide to get the work on my arm in the small space I have left between two stick-n-pokes I got a few years back. Ian and Rudolf sit with me, but Ian just looks queasy. “You don’t have to stick around,” I assure him, but he forces a smile and asks me if it hurts. “Not really,” I say, hoping that’ll help somehow. That’s the truth. It doesn’t really hurt. You get used to it. A few minutes in, a new group of people pile into the kitchen. Amongst them, of all fucking people, is Cameron. Fucking fantastic.

Rudolf doesn’t notice right away. He’s busy staring at my arm, but after a minute, he looks up at me. I must seem uncomfortable because he raises an eyebrow and then turns around. His expression immediately slips as he makes eye contact with Cameron. Then he turns back to me, looking dead-eyed. When Cameron spots us, he wastes no time heading over. Rudolf wastes no time leaving. I wish I could follow him, but I literally can’t. “Hah, of course you’d be into this lame shit,” he says to me, ignoring Rudolf’s disappearing act. The tattooer scoffs under their breath. “Cameron, fuck off,” I say limply. “I’m not in the mood.” “Ow,” he feigns hurt. “Watch it, Avery.”

Cameron takes the seat that Rudolf was previously occupying. “Hey,” he says to Ian. “Hey,” Ian responds, looking unsure of the whole situation. “Who are you?” “Cameron Fant,” he says, holding his hand out. “You?” Ian accepts his hand slowly, giving it a firm shake. “Ian.” God. Who introduces themselves like that? Was Cameron always this annoying, or did I just not see it? “Are you one of Avery’s friends?” Cameron asks, probably prepared to make himself look perfect in the eyes of a new, handsome stranger. Ian nods, and Cameron asks where we met.

“Weight class.” “Why haven’t I seen you around before?” “This isn’t really my thing.” Cameron laughs and then touches Ian’s shoulder. “Well, yeah, this is awful,” he says. “I’ll show you something better.” Ian’s face is red again. Cameron probably loves that. He’s oozing confidence and it fucking sucks. I wish I could tell Ian right now just how awful and disgusting Cameron is, but I can't. Not without betraying Rudolf's trust. Instead, I zone out and stare down at my arm, trying not to listen. Cameron keeps flirting with Ian and it’s honestly the vilest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve seen these moves a million times before, but now, with everything coming into the light, I can barely keep it together.“Cam, screw off, you’re not even his type,” I say before I can help myself. Cameron’s eyes snap to me and he looks pissed. Ian looks uncomfortable too, but screw them both! It’s literally just the truth. Besides, this isn’t something Ian wants to get mixed up in even for one second. He knows Cameron’s an ass, but he’s also charming as hell. I don’t want to risk Ian falling for the facade. “Oh you know fuck-all,” Cameron spits at me before turning back to Ian like I never said anything at all. Ian looks so fucking distressed and I feel bad because I know he doesn’t know how to make this stop. “So, what do you do?” Cameron asks, crossing his arms in a way that I think is supposed to make him seem laid back. “Uh, I just graduated,” Ian mumbles.“Wow, me too,” he says and he just sounds so damn sure of himself. “From where?” “U of M.” “Huh,” Cameron smiles condescendingly. “I went to the Academy of Art with Avery and Rudolf before his lame ass dropped out. I’m a sculptor.” “I heard…” Ian says, wide-eyed. “That’s...cool?” Ugh. Don’t encourage him! “It is pretty cool. Probably the best job in the world. I get to do whatever I want and make all my own hours.” Jesus Christ, he sounds so full of himself. I swear to God he’s a complete and utter fucking narcissist.

Cameron keeps talking about himself and I can’t help but notice that he sounds a little more invested than normal. I keep staring at them, trying to figure it out. Ian certainly is Cameron’s type, even if the reverse isn't true. I guess Ian looks a bit like Jackson, which is funny because Jackson looks a bit like Cameron. All these fucking white boys, man. That might be what’s keeping Cameron’s interest. He’s shallow, after all.

Just as Ian looks like he’s about to absolutely lose it, Cameron gets a text. He pulls out his phone and smirks to himself. “I’ve got something I need to take care of,” he says to Ian. “But I’ll see you around.” “Sure,” Ian responds. “Later, Avery,” Cameron says to me before leaving the kitchen.

Once he’s gone, Ian leans into me and urgently whispers, “Was he hitting on me!?”

Ugh. “Yeah,” I say with distaste. “That’s the guy Rudolf slept with, huh?” “Yep...” I say again, getting knots in my stomach. “He’s pretty crappy.” Ian gives a long nod, sitting back in his seat. “That’s what Rudolf and Everest both said.” Hopefully, that’s enough for Ian to put the idea to rest. If he rejected Rudolf’s advances before, then he’s probably not about to fall into Cameron’s trap. He’s just too nice to tell Cameron to fuck off. When my tattoo is done, the artist wraps it for me and I pull my wallet out, handing them a few bills.

“Thanks,” I say, “This is great.” That felt like forever. Usually, I enjoy the entire process, but Cameron ruined it. Now I just want to find Rudolf. I wander through the house, shoving everyone who bumps into me. I am not in the fucking mood. “Let me know if you see Rudolf,” I say to Ian. He nods, glancing around with me for a few minutes until we find Rudolf sitting on a sofa. There are a bunch of other people sitting around him, but I can tell he probably hasn’t been talking to any of them. There’s a drink in his hand and I can’t help but wonder if it’s his first or his fifth. “Hey, man,” I say. He nods, but with the way his head bobs I can tell he’s pretty fucked up. Man, this sucks. I never expected to see Cameron here. “Are you okay?” I ask.

“Fine,” he insists but his voice is high and slurry. I offer him a hand, pulling him up from the sofa and away from the crowd of folks hovering in the living room. “Cameron’s pretty full of himself, huh?” Ian says.

I think he’s trying to make Rudolf feel better, but it doesn’t work. Rudolf just scowls.

“What was he doin’? Talkin’ about how talented and popular and amazing he is?” “Pretty much,” Ian says. “Typical. Was he flirting?” Rudolf keeps wobbling against me, but at least he’s coherent. “Um...I don’t know. Maybe a bit?” Everest reappears finally, clapping a hand on Ian’s shoulder. “Hey! Sorry I got swept off! How’s it going?”

“I got a tattoo,” I say, lifting my arm. “Woah, sweet!” he exclaims. “You’ll have to show me later.” “Cameron decided to show up,” Rudolf adds, sharing a look of disdain with Everest. “Oh… ew,” Everest says slowly. “Man, that guy is so lame.” “He hung around, so I left,” Rudolf shares. “God, yeah I would’ve, too…I would’ve peaced right the fuck out.” “Yeah, plus watching him flirt with Ian would’ve made me want to puke. Glad I missed that.” Everest’s jaw slacks. He looks at Ian and then back at Rudolf.

“Are you kidding? That guy really has no shame.” Ian laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, I didn’t really know how to react…”

The tension doesn’t go away. It just keeps building. Ian and Everest don’t know how truly foul Cameron is. They think Rudolf is upset because he slept with Cameron and things went south, but that’s not even close. We stand around for a minute and Rudolf keeps drinking. Hell, we all keep drinking, except Ian who looks like he just wants to go home. “What did Cameron even say to you?” Everest mumbles, pushing a topic I really wish he’d just drop. “Mm…” Ian twists his face like he’s trying to remember. “He mostly just talked about how he’s an artist. He told me I’d like the party scene if I went places with him.” “Gross,” Everest scoffs. “That’s never happened to me before,” Ian confesses. “A guy’s never hit on me like that before.”

He seems put off, but still somehow excited. I wish he wasn’t, but I’m trying to understand. Sometimes it just feels nice to have someone acknowledge you, especially when you’ve been in the closet so long. It makes you feel less alone, even if that person is a total scumbag. “Yeah, well Cameron’s a douche,” Everest snaps. “Oh, yeah, I mean, I know that,” Ian looks taken aback. “I’m not going to keep talking to him or anything.” Yikes. I wonder what has Everest so riled up over this. Did Rudolf tell him what happened? Everyone seems uncomfortable and I’m starting to think that we should just get the hell out of here. It’s such a fucking drag that Cameron sucked the life out of our whole night like this. Too bad my best friend turned out to be an absolute nightmare of a person.

Too bad my ex-girlfriend hates me now because she can’t see how shitty he is.

Too bad I clearly have the world’s worst taste in people.

“Do you guys want to head home?” I decide to ask, hoping someone will take the bait.

“Not yet,” Everest says, his arms crossed. I look to Rudolf and he just frowns. Ugh. Jesus Christ. This is why I hate going out! This is why I hate parties. I literally never have a good time. Why do I even try anymore? I hate having to manage everyone’s feelings! “Okay,” I scuff the sole of my shoe against the floor. If I can’t get these guys to leave, maybe I can make Cameron want to. Then I could enjoy myself again.

#lgbt books #lgbt writers #queer writers #wlw #wlw writing #qpoc #qpoc artist #once again not me I’m white af but my coauthor is Lebanese 🙏🏻#book #self

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pinkysfaultorbrainsfault · 4 years

Text

pinky and the brain: s1e7 - tv or not tv

y’all do NOT understand how many times i have tried to post this. tumblr just will not stop eating it. this was supposed to be out last wednesday LMAO i am doing my best.

episode summary: brain engineers a pair of Mouse Dentures that give him a charming smile. anyone hypnotised by these dentures Suddenly Adores Him For No Good Reason. unfortunately, he’s also a bit of a shut in, so nobody is actually going to see his charming smile-- unless he gets himself a sitcom.

....or something.

the rundown:

we open on brain talking about the “weird and magical power” of celebrity. he has defaced several women, and is sticking his ass out. as you do. what is he doing to CINDY! and her ilk?? he must be stopped.

“those who have it weild tremendous influence. few can avoid the enchantment of its’ spell.”

“do you know what gives them this power?”

holy shit. he just stabbed CINDY!.

pinky absolutely does not care for CINDY!’s fate. “haha. narf. hey, paddlefoot, do you know what they call a quarter pounder in france?”

of course, sirius black was not in pulp fiction, and neither, as far as i can tell, was he in france. brain silences him with “enough gay banter”, like he wasn’t just sticking his ass out in his general direction, like, two minutes ago.

(this was the 90s, y’all. gay definitely meant gay back then. this is not the faraway tree.)

“pinky! behold the key to the power of attraction!”

“pushpins!”

“hurraaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“no, pinky.”

apparently the key to attraction is a

“winning smile”, as brain points out, tapping on CINDY!’s poor mutilated face for emphasis.

“and a nice healthy gum!”

“and... a nice healthy gum.”

it turns out that brain has “taken this idea of the influential smile to a new level - a level no less than world domination“, which is bold words for Mr Tumble Dryer. to achieve this, he has invented

teeth.

(okay. so it’s a bit bigger than that. he shows pinky the plans for,

and then a prototype of, a whole machine built specifically to engineer him little mousie dentures. a lot of work went into this one. shame, really.

“when did you have time to build that?”

“while you were engrossed in your mr belvedere reruns.”

“oh, i miss him. ):” )

anyway so. brain puts his teeth in.

there he is.

pinky describes this as

“enchanting (’:”

and brain affirms that it’s supposed to be. apparently the “reflective vibrations” (okay) of his smile stimulates the medula oblongata,

“causing the viewer to adore me for no good reason!”

“zort! i’m adoring you for no good reason!”

(he does point out, while brain is admiring his reflection in a nearby bunsen burner, “what if they’re wearing sunglasses?”

brain’s response is “we’ll work nights.”)

still, brain can’t just sit around in the lab twiddling his thumbs and expect the general public to Adore Him For No Reason. he needs exposure! and as pinky ponders “what would mr belvedere do,” brain asserts that he would “eat some butter”.

“i’m afraid, my friend, that you’ve seen far too much of mr belvede--”

more like mr belvIDEA lol. sorry i’ll see myself out.

“pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?”

“i think so, brain, bur it’s a miracle that this one grew back. ):”

.....okay.

thankfully, the plan is not, in fact, to amputate pinky’s leg. again???? instead, brain intends to use a weapon of “great stealth, power, and corruption.”

OUR OWN SITCOM.

✨

meanwhile, at the wb studio, we meet jerry kilmer. mr kilmer is currently being harassed by some dudes who also really, really want their own sitcom. for far less nefarious purposes, presumably.

“so there’s this guy, right?”

“and get this! he designs--”

“BIKINIS.”

“TINY LITTLE BIKINIS. OKAY okay okay okay so here’s the hook.”

“HE’S PRETENDING--”

“TO BE BLIND.”

it does not appear to be what mr kilmer is looking for.

(meanwhile, the mice are spying on the acme labs janitor. he seems like a cool dude! but the mice are not here for friendship.

they sneak into his jacket pocket!

and...... steal his.... car keys? “YES. to the television station!”

✨

this isn’t even the first vehicle he’s stolen. hopefully he’ll have this one back by curfew as well.)

they do get pulled over by the police, but i don’t want to go into that. unless you guys reaaaallly want me to. instead, they park outside the studio and harass some poor receptionist.

“excuse me. we’re here to-- pitch. as they say. a sitcóm. my dear.”

i don’t know why brain says words like that.

“appointment?”

“oh, i’m sure you can--”

“work us in.” says brain. he is sticking his ass out for no reason. all the appeal is in his sparkly dentures, so.... there’s really no need for that, my dude.

✨

“you’re next! for no good reason!”

these dudes are still here. “wait!” yells our budding comedian, “wait! check out this idea. it’s about a guy!”

original.

“who always sticks his foot in his mouth!!”

clever. unfortunately, his demonstration goes wrong, and he ends up kicking mr kilmer in the face.

bonk.

gives him a nasty black eye to boot. ouch.

“ugh. can’t i ever just see someone normal?”

good thing these very normal individuals have just shown up, huh? nothing shady about these guys. “ugh, thank goodness,” says mr kilmer. they introduce themselves politely as jonathan michael charles (left) and jamal spelling (right).

“you guys have quite a look.”

“thank you.”

✨

“alright then. what do you got for me?”

“egad, brain.”

“he’s not adoring you for no good reason!!”

“drat.”

“well. we’re young hip adults--”

“and hijinks ensue!”

“who sit on a big fat couch and whine--”

“with disaaaasterous results!!”

“and have lots of generation x friends who trade zippy, sarcastic banter.”

“and i have a monkey.”

a very original concept.

at least, mr kilmer sems to think so. “hmmm. fresh. but tell me! what really brings you here. what are jamal and jonathan all about.”

“actually, we are two lab mice involved in a broad and sweeping plan to take over the world.”

mr kilmer thinks this is hilarious, apparently.

these guys do not. but they’re not important, for the moment.

the long and short of it, anyway, is that kilmer can’t give them a sitcom because nobody knows who they are, quote unquote. “the day i see your face on the cover of peeple magazine is the day you get a sitcom.”

irritated, jamal and jonathan make their exit.

and mr kilmer laughs so hard at the idea of lab mice trying to take over the world, that he falls out of his chair.

this will become relevant later.

meanwhile -- i just had to screencap this, okay, because of brain’s face. pinky suggests that he get on the cover of peeple by marrying prince charles. and brain thinks this is a horrible idea.

he’s much more interested in princess diana. but no, pinky, the path he must follow is “the same one followed by the leading sitcom stars of the day.”

“i must become a SUCCESSFUL STANDUP COMEDIAN.”

“so hey, how about those mitochondria? do they have enough cilia or what?”

“hey, why don’t you tell a joke you know!”

this may be harder than brain thought. undeterred, though, he presses on.

“do you ever notice how when you’re looking in the mirror of a quadrant electrometre, your forehead seems large?? why is that??”

“i just flew in from cleveland! and boy are my upper extremeties fatigued by a buildup of lactic acid!”

“booooooooooooooo!” says our guy on the left.

“go back to your troll village, squirt!” says his friend on the right. “what do you say to that?”

“i find you repugnant.”

(well. that made them laugh, at least.)

“your stupidity is matched only by the ill-slipped caterpillar, that chews off its’ own wings after emerging from its’ cucoon!!!”

“in fact! all of you! are just a gaggle of pathetically misguided root diggers!!”

“why don’t you all stand under a stalactite and bellow the resonate frequency, causing it to plummet onto your cranium!!”

“you’re all repugnant i say!!! repugnant!!!”

and with that little mousie tantrum out of his system, brain trundles off to sulk.

pinky claps him on the way out.

“egad brain! narf! they love you!”

“yes.”

so then he goes on tv, i guess.

“our comedy challenger is the master of insults! the prince of putdowns! jamal spelling!”

“you’re all a bunch of crevulating nitwits with peat moss for a cortex. repugnant!”

i don’t envy that guy third from the right. he doesn’t look like he’s having a very good time. he’s sensitive about his peat moss cranium, okay? don’t make fun of him.

NEXT ON G, HOWIE TURN HOSTS COMEDIAN JAMAL SPELLING.

“so, uh, jamal spelling. what kind of stupid name is that? cmon? what’s your real name?”

this would be racist if jamal spelling was a human man comedian and not like, a lab mouse. thankfully, this is not the case.

“my real name is the brain.” says brain, helpfully enunciating the “the”. “and you, my unwashed friend, are repugnant.”

HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA.

“oh, you’re hot, baby.”

okay.

but we’re, uh. we’re not going to think about that, and we’re going to go look at the david letterman show instead.

“uh, my next guest-- paul, do you know who our next guest is?”

“daaaaave, i know he’s a beautiful kind of-- nutty cat who just got us all a-wow.”

“here he is, ladies and gentlemen! for your comedy dollar, jamal spelling!!”

jamal spelling appears to be naked.

but he’s funny, so nobody minds.

“somebody here smells like a coagulated agar slant growing in a petri dish. repugnant!”

see! he’s just too comedy for clothes.

(meanwhile, we take a short trip to the office of janet mekko. “welcome, mr kilmer,” she says.

“my... secretary sent me here-- actually, i feel kind of stupid.”

“oh, honey. that’s a good thing! if there weren’t any stupid people, i wouldn’t have any business.”

“now. ya got some paaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.”

(in the distance, dan reynolds - at the tender age of eight - mumbles “you made me a, you made me a believer” in his sleep.)

“yeah.” says mr kilmer, completely unaware of this. “i fell out of my chair.”

“i’m gonna hypnotise you, so relax.”

okay.

“this’ll make you sleepy.”

“what is it?”

“a kenny g album.”

“okay. you’re in a trance. i’m gonna give you a random word. if you feel pain, say that word, you’ll feel good.”

“but careful! cause if you say it when you’re feeling good, the pain will come back! bad.”

spooky.

“and your random word is--”

“repugnant.”

there is, of course, absolutely no way this can go wrong.)

let us turn our view to happier pastures. namely, the mice are watching tv.

TONIGHT ON CIRCUS OF THE STARS

HARRY DEAN ANDERSON GETS SHOT OUT OF A GIANT PASTA MAKER

COMEDIAN JAMAL SPELLING FLIES THE TRAPEZE

AND BOB SAGET GETS TRAMPLED BY A BEAR. we hope.

pinky is elated! “egad, brain! circus of the stars! narf! you’ve really made it!”

pinky wants to be on circus of the stars, don’t you know. unfortunately, as he dutifully informs brain in pretty much the same breath, he hasn’t quite made it into peeple magazine yet.

“hm. it’s time to use plan b, pinky.”

“there was an a?? poit.”

ouch. jesus, pinky.

undeterred, brain marches his merry little ass over to the old timey corded phone.

beep.

“yes, connect me with buckinham palace, please.”

“egad! you did it brain! the cover of peeple!”

rule britannia is playing in the background of this scene. let’s... not think too hard about how this works, and agree that, yes, pauly shore, enough.

no more pauly shore, please.

conclusion:

jerry keeps his word, and, upon learning that jamal spelling is now legally married to princess diana (a fact which would certainly not lead to a warrant for his arrest in a couple of years) he asks him for a demo tape.

for such small hands, jamal sure does have very neat handwriting.

“make me laugh, jamal, and you got yourself a sitcom.”

“why don’t you all stand under a stalactite and bellow the resonate frequency, causing it to plummet onto your cranium!!”

he seems to like it! kilmer makes a little hee hee noise, unprepared for where this is undoubtedly going.

“you’re repungnant!”

“AAUGHGHGHHH.”

there it is.

“repugnant!”

“i say repugnant!”

repugnant repugnant repugnant repugnant

repugnant!

and with that, jerry kilmer falls out of the window.

as he does, he yells “i’ll get you, jamal spelling” which personally i think is unfair. jamal couldn’t have known, surely? don’t be mean to jamal. he’s got a lot on his mind, what with that restraining order against howie turn.

meanwhile, in the lab, the mice debate a good pitch for a pilot (i’ve got it, brain! it’s a show about nothing!) when jamal spelling gets a call.

“hi jamal! this is nina from the tv station. could you come down for a meeting?”

“mm hmmm.”

✨

it’s the WB.

as nina types away, jamal and jonathan enter casually, like this is their house, or something. “are you pleased to see us?” asks jamal, in a cocky, egomaniac labmouse sort of way.”

“yes i am!”

(nina somehow doesn’t notice.)

anyway then these guys find the dentures and pitch the first idea that comes into their heads.

“hey cortex! what do you wanna do tonight?”

don’t ask why mouse dentures fit a human man. we suspend our disbelief here.

(also there was no way this was brain’s fault. he couldn’t have known. outside influence it is. a shame, really.)

brain: 7 pinky: 7 outside influence: 14

thanks for the fun meme, @shuunthenonbeliever !

#patb #pinky and the brain #WHEEZE #if this refuses to post ONE MORE TIME #i am going to go FERAL #i have typed this all out THREE TIMES #I HAVE HAD ENOUGH #some explodey boys for y'all on saturday!#i hope.#if this episode EVER POSTS.

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jowritesthingss · 4 years

Text

A (Demi)Boy and His Demon: One

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairing(s): LoSleep (Logic | Logan + Sleep | Remy)

Rating: Teen

Content Warning(s): lots of swearing, religion mention, demons mention, drugs mention (just once in passing), one sex joke (a la Remus)

Length: 2,584 words

Brief Summary: Sleep-deprived writer Remy accidentally summons a serious-and-seriously-fed-up demon named Logan. One. In Which Remy Does Something Even Stupider than Summoning a Demon

Fic Masterlist!

“Hello,” the person standing in front of Remy said, staring disapprovingly down at him through their glasses.

Remy looked the dude up and down once, twice. (‘Dude’? He wasn’t sure if they were a dude so nah, they’ll stick with ‘person’ moving forward.)

The person standing next to his table was a tall, thin brunette, with no-nonsense rectangular glasses and a no-nonsense expression on their face to match. They were admittedly well-equipped in the looks department—that is to say, they were most definitely hot, Remy’s bi little heart skipped a beat—even if their fashion sense was seemingly nonexistent. They had on a plain black collared shirt, jeans, and what looked like a name tag of sorts—so maybe they were a new barista at the café then? Although Emile hadn’t mentioned any new hires.

“Uh. Can I help you?” Remy asked, arching a perfectly-trimmed eyebrow.

“I believe that I should be the one asking that of you,” the person returned, and...were they glaring at Remy? As much as Remy understood the wrath foodservice workers felt towards particularly Karen-like customers, they really didn’t think the current situation warranted it.

“I’m good right now, actually,” Remy dismissed, hoping the weirdo would get the message, “but thanks for asking. I guess.” They looked back down at their writing again, shuffling the paper with the summoning circle to the side and focusing back in on their laptop.

After a few moments of typing, though, Remy became aware of the shadow that still fell over his keyboard. He glanced up to see the person still staring intently at him—only this time they were closer than ever, standing right at his left shoulder.

“Uh, babe.” Remy wasn’t feeling so nice anymore, and they let the irritation seep into their voice. Remy was on a deadline. Remy had no time for nosy strangers. “Ever heard of personal space?”

“No,” the weirdo responded, and Remy honestly couldn’t tell if they were being serious or sarcastic. It seemed they were being serious, though, when their brow wrinkled in confusion. “You are the one who summoned me, are you not?”

“I...don’t think so?” Remy wracked their brain, trying to recall if there was anything he’d done that might make a barista feel obligated to come check on him. Were they really that much of a pathetic gay? Was it really so obvious that he hadn’t slept in like two days and desperately needed yet another refill of iced coffee? “Yeah, like...I really don’t think I did.”

“And yet you are the one with my summoning circle written down,” the person insisted, gesturing down at the sheet of looseleaf paper, and—wait, what?

“I’m sorry, what?” Remy gaped.

Now that they were closer, Remy could read the name tag on the other person’s—no, the demon’s?—chest, which read “Supreme Lord of Dark Knowledge”, with Logan neatly written in parentheses beneath it.

‘Supreme Lord’ Logan picked up the piece of paper that Remy had aimlessly scribbled a summoning circle upon at random, for use as a reference in designing his own. A few faint droplets of his blood were spattered across it from the papercut. They looked Remy in the eye, and it occurred to Remy that the person’s—Logan’s—eyes were oddly maroon and almost glow-y.

“I am a demon,” Logan said, leaning in to Remy, so close they could practically kiss him, “and you are the one who summoned me. So how may I help you? What is your purpose behind summoning me?”

Remy stared.

Logan returned his gaze, obstinately inching yet closer. Eventually they were getting way too much into Remy’s personal space, rude, so he caved and let Logan win the unspoken battle of wills, yanking their head back almost violently.

Remy started to laugh.

“Oh my god,” they said, gasping for breath. “I haven’t reached the hallucination stage of sleep-deprived caffienation this quickly before.”

“—I. Uh. Pardon?” Perhaps realizing just how uncomfortably close the two were, Logan backed up a respectful distance before looking down at him, confused.

“I’ve gotta say, you’re the most realistic hallucination I’ve had since I tried LSD that one time back in high school.” Remy wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. They looked Logan up and down a bit more appreciatively, now that he knew that they were a product of his own imagination. “Damn, my mind knows how to appeal to my...well, everything. You’re pretty hot.”

“It is hot in hell, yes. So naturally my temperature runs higher.” Every time Remy thought it not possible, Logan became even more perplexed. “Excuse me—if I might request clarification for a moment here. You think that I am not real?”

Logan reached out a hand and closed it securely around Remy’s wrist where it lay on the keyboard of his laptop, his hand steadily pressing the “p” button on the forgotten word document that was chapter seventy. “I can assure you that I very much am not a product of your imagination.”

Remy swore.

“What the fuck,” he said, not caring as his voice gradually grew louder, “what the fuck.” They jerked their arm away from Logan, accidentally knocking over his precious iced coffee, and they swore again as they raced to pick up his laptop and his notes to save them from a watery death.

“Bitch,” Remy hissed at the iced coffee that now steadily inched its way across the table. They then looked up at Logan. “You made me spill my coffee,” he accused. “What the hell, man?”

The supposed demon raised an eyebrow, snapping his fingers, and Remy’s coffee slid back into his cup and righted itself again, good as new, what the fuck. “I do believe that we just established that I am in fact a demon and not a man.”

Shit, shit, yeah, right. “All right, then what are your pronouns?” Remy asked. He wanted to rip them to shreds, yeah, but all the better to not misgender them as he did so.

“Gender does not work for demons as it does for humans,” Logan informed him, “however, in your language, xe/xem/xyr pronouns are particularly...satisfactory...for me.”

“Cool.” Remy nodded. “I’m Remy, they/them and he/him.” He paused. “Okay, like, back to business—what the hell?”

“Yes, that is where I come from.” Logan nodded, and was xe serious or was xe patronizing Remy? They were pretty sure xe was patronizing him.

“Okay.” Remy glared up at xem. “Then like...can you go back already?”

Logan let out a long-suffering sigh, pushing xyr glasses up on the bridge of xyr nose. “Tell me what deal you would like to make, and then yes, I will gladly depart from this ridiculous world.”

“I’ll remind you that you’re the one who appeared in this ‘ridiculous world’ out of literal fucking nowhere,” Remy snarked, half under their breath.

“And I shall remind you that you are the one who summoned me,” Logan snapped. Xe scrutinized Remy carefully. “Although I must say, I was not expecting the likes of you to be intelligent enough to summon me at all, much less as unintentionally as it appears to have been.”

“Hey! Watch what you’re sayin—nope, never mind that.” Remy exhaled loudly, exasperated. “Just tell me how to get rid of you already.”

“Very well.” Logan pushed xyr glasses up on the bridge of xyr nose. “It is quite simple, really. In order to break our connection, all you must do is destroy the summoning circle that initially began the connection. In order to do that you must—”

“Oh, really?” Remy relaxed, shoulders lowering slightly. Nice and easy. That was good. “That’s easy.” He grabbed the paper in both hands and started to tear.

“Wait, no! No, not like that, you are going to—” Logan leapt on top of Remy, knocking them and their chair to the ground.

But it was too late. Remy had already ripped the paper—and, consequently, the summoning circle—in half.

A snapping, burning feeling coursed through Remy’s body as he crashed to the ground, hard.

The torn halves of the paper fluttered to the ground around Remy and Logan as they lay on the floor, disoriented, Logan on top of Remy, Logan’s face in Remy’s neck and Remy with their vision impaired by Logan’s hair.

Remy spat out a mouthful of Logan’s hair, shoving xem off of him. “What the fuck?” he exclaimed once more, not unlike a broken record.

“I should be asking the same of you,” Logan spat, straightening xemself up and adjusting xyr glasses, and holy hell, if Remy had thought xe was glaring before, it was about fifty times worse now. “You are supposed to burn the circle and destroy it, you half-wit. By merely breaking the circle as you did you didn’t release me, you bound me to you for life.”

“Well, like, how was I supposed to know that?” Remy shot back through clenched teeth, trying to stave back the anger and panic churning in the pit of his stomach.

“I was just about to tell you that,” Logan seethed, and shitshitshit, abort mission, maybe Remy should back off, maybe angering the supposed demon wasn’t a good idea, xyr eyes were literally shining with literal fire and xyr hair was starting to float up and that couldn’t be good—

“Hey now! What’s going on here?”

Remy and Logan looked up to see Emile standing in front of them, short and chubby and blond and arms crossed and wearing his bright purple apron and scary-calm, which was somehow even more terrifying than the literal demon, even as he was practically an angel (not literally—or at least, Remy didn’t think it was literal—god, please tell them it wasn’t literal).

“Why don’t we take whatever this is to the back?” Emile asked the two of them, only it really wasn’t a question.

Oh, yeah. They were in the middle of a busy coffee shop full of witnesses, weren’t they.

Remy shoved themself to their feet and hastily grabbed his things, while Logan righted the chair xe had knocked over when xe took Remy down. Then, meekly and not unlike scolded children, Remy and Logan followed Emile to the employee break room. And boy, Remy was not looking forward to the conversation that no doubt would ensue.

“...So you’re saying you’re a demon,” Emile said slowly, eyes wide as he stared at Logan.

“Indeed.” Logan waved xyr hand and extinguished the indigo flames that had previously been dancing across xyr palm.

“Ooh ooh ooh! Like Bill Cipher?” Emile asked excitedly.

Remy lowered their face into their hands.

“Like—ah, yes, of course,” responded Logan the actual literal fucking demon, “although I personally prefer to take a more humanesque appearance on the rare occasions that I am summoned. I find it is more calming for the humans that summon me.” Xe tilted xyr head, looking curiously at Emile. “You’ve met Cipher?”

“I—” Emile gasped, eyes practically starry, and hell, could this get any worse for Remy. “He’s real? I knew it!”

The bell jingled back out in the shop, then not two seconds later the employee door swung open, and hell, this could get worse for Remy.

Remus stepped through the door, eyes bright with mischievous delight and clad in a hideous combination of jeans, some obscure band tee, and an honest-to-god camouflage-patterned tutu. “I heard through the grapevine that some major shit is going down.”

Remy glared half-heartedly at Emile. “You did not text him.”

Emile laughed awkwardly, scratching at the back of his neck.

“Babe,” Remy groaned. “You didn’t.”

“He did!” Remus garbled out, grinning wider than the Joker. “So our dear little Remsykins has a boyfriend now?”

“Not a boy,” Logan said, while at the same time, Remy groaned, “Not my boyfriend.”

“Details.” Remus waved Remy off, although he at least had the decency to ask Logan xyr pronouns before opening his mouth to continue harassing the two of them with questions.

Remy held up a hand. “Uh, nope. I’m dealing with enough bullshit right now, babe, and I’m still mad at you for falling so far behind on art. None of your weird questions about, like, fucking demons or eternal torture or whatever, please.”

Remus’ mouth clacked shut loudly, and he looked rather put-off. Then what Remy had said fully sank in. “Wait, demons? As in, demons existing? For reals?”

Remy turned to Logan, despairing, and thankfully xe seemed to get the message, stepping in.

“Indeed they are, as you put it, ‘for reals’,” Logan affirmed. “I’ll give you...ah, I believe humans still say the ‘Spark Notes’ version of our present circumstance. In researching for their comic, Remy inadvertently copied down my summoning circle. When he got a paper-cut, blood got onto the circle, and he spoke the incantation—” Logan turned to look at Remy, “—which, by the way how on earth did you manage to accidentally say the summoning incantation?”

“I didn’t,” Remy said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Did you say anything at all?” Logan asked.

Remy thought back. “Uh, I think I said...‘goddammit’?”

“Ah.” Logan blinked. “Yes, well, that isn’t the traditional incantation, but...it suffices.”

Remy threw up their hands, walking away from Logan, Remus, and Emile and glaring mightily at the overly cheery coffee-themed wallpaper. “What the fuck,” he said to no one in particular for the umpteenth time. It was rapidly becoming his favorite phrase.

“Incantations aside, I was summoned,” Logan continued, as if xe had never been interrupted in the first place, “whereupon your friend panicked and accidentally bound me to them for the rest of their life.”

Remus cackled, delighted. “Damn, Remsykinsies, haven’t you gotten yourself into a mess!”

“I don’t. Want. To think about it,” Remy seethed, turning back around to face him and the others again. “I’d much rather we focus on how you should really be leaving to go finish up chapter sixty-five already, thank you very much.”

“Like I’d miss out on watching you humiliate yourself?” Remus was getting the last of the giggles out of his system. “Fat chance.” He swiped a tear of mirth out of the corner of his eye before he continued to speak. “Anyhow, so you’re telling me that demons actually exist in this world, and I’m not one of them?” he asked, his tone mildly indignant. “Rude.”

“And thank god for that,” Remy muttered under their breath, collapsing onto the overstuffed pink couch in the break room. Even if Logan didn’t kill them and steal their soul or some shit, Remus simply being Remus was about to do him in. “The moment you become a demon is the moment the world burns.”

“Exactly!” Remus grinned at him, and how did his teeth look sharper than that of the actual demon in the room? Maybe Remus really wasn’t human after all.

“Eh, whatever! Moving on!” Remus rounded on Logan, expression alight with all the fires of hell, and Remy was really having a difficult time remembering who, exactly, the demon was in this scenario. “I just want to know—are you a demon in the sheets?”

Remy lowered his head into his arms and screamed.

(That night, as Remy and Logan awkwardly lay on opposing sides of Remy’s bed, resolutely refusing to face each other, Logan would ask how on earth could it be possible for xem to not be a demon in the sheets, as xe is a demon everywhere xe goes, and Remy would fall off the bed.)

Prologue || One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six

Chapter two should be up either Friday or Saturday, and if not then def by next Wednesday. Also btw if you haven’t figured it out by now, Remy’s a demiboy who uses he/they pronouns in this, and Logan uses xe/xem/xyr, although as a demon human concepts of gender don’t really apply. ^^

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