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sortofanobsession · 2 years

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hellooo previous anon asker here!

the story takes place in the first season (could be continued to the other seasons if you’d like) frenemies to lovers trope, reader goes by she/her pronouns and is also latina and part of the umbrella academy and the story alters through 3rd and 1st person pov? essentially she’s a badass and is besties with klaus and five? I don’t really know what a good power would be so you can have creative liberty with that. hopefully this was enough details, thanks! <3

Author's Note: I can very much work with this. I'm still working on a plot outline but here is the establishing info for the story. But before we get into that please keep a few things in mind...

The power set was initially a hang up for me, so many different fics uses various power sets and I didn't want to accidently be too similar. But I think I came up with something not used as often in fics with supers. I have been listening to some Lore podcasts and while trying to figure out what type of powers the team somewhat lacked I got an idea. The Lore episode alluring details ghost lights and it seemed like a decent place to start and if you have read my writing you know I looooove folklore and mythologies. It also plays off, in a way, an idea I had back when season 1 was airing. I'm Caucasian of European decent, so please forgive any cultural confusion. I am not of Hispanic decent and really not trying to disrespect anyone. If anyone is willing to help with this aspect I would greatly appreciate it.

I really hope this is sort of what you were looking for.

Please note that since this is season 1 I will be using Vanya for Viktor. I fully support Elliot Page and have major respect for the show's writers for working a transition into the character Elliot portrays. I love how they handled in the show. But for sake of "canon" I use Vanya for now. BUT if you all would prefer I use Viktor and male pronouns let me know. I'm human and far from perfect, so I am always willing to listen and learn. I support all members of the LGBTQ+ community. I love and respect all my readers, but I do not tolerate hate so be nice in the replies, please.

Minors DNI

So as it goes, Y/N = your name. Reader pronouns She/Her.

Tag Requests are Open just message me.

Primary Pairing: Diego Hargreeves x Female!Reader

Part 1 of a new WIP Series.

Series Masterlist

Content Warning: Canon typical neglect, violence, death, depression, anxiety

Will o' The Wisp

Chapter 1: #8-The Wisp

Her powers are that she can create a being of pure light and seemingly energy, separate from her own entity. It started as a flickering ball of light. Pogo had said the faint light was like the Will o' the Wisp in old English folklore. But she would go on to learn that most cultures had phantom lights. The name Wisp stuck, but the light didn't stay small or weak for long. Sir Reginald Hargreeves trained her to give it form and capable of independent motion. She gave it a humanoid form to make it easier to manipulate when she took it over. But more often than not, she lets it clings to her like an inverse shadow. She eventually found that she could split her consciousness and control it. Something her father would push her to explore. She can will it in and out of existence, but it still sort of radiates from her if she doesn't give it an external form. It gives her an ethereal glow when it doesn't have its own form. She can weaponize the light in multiple ways. She can use it to blind opponents. It can temporarily stun and disorient someone. She can use it as a projectile. She can also use it to fight as multiple beings, something she tries to limit because fragmenting one's psyche can be both disorienting and unnerving.

Her siblings had stuck with the Will o' the Wisp idea and jokingly called her Will, but she preferred the name Y/N that Mom helped her pick. They initially called the light entity Wisp due to a lack of creativity. Then they got more "creative", calling it her shining stalker, bright bugger, and many other weird and rude names. She would remind them it wasn't a sentient being. It only became so when she was the conscious one controlling it. And tell them they were just jealous they couldn't be in two places at once.

Her arguments with Diego were usually more direct.

"You're just jealous I never run out of weapons or have to retrieve them," she would tease when Diego would start to bug her about it.

"At least I can blend into a crowd," Diego would shoot back. "You stick out like a glow stick even when your stalker isn't burning its image into people's retinas."

"And yet, they still like us more," she would shrug and guide her glowing glimmer to do the same, making it seem more like a twin or a doppelganger as she does.

She had two siblings that were drawn to her by her light. They would cling to the light as the light clung to her. Ben and Klaus. Ben, because the warm light helped cancel out the cold darkness his powers seemed to bring with them. Klaus, because despite the ghost light jokes, her light actually helped keep his ghosts and demons at bay. It would remind him he wasn't in the dark mausoleum that their father would lock him in. So it wasn't unusual for one or both of them to hide from nightmares in her room. She didn't mind. If it helped them, she'd do it, even if Sir Reginald didn't approve. That was what they had their powers for, wasn't it? Helping people, being heroes, wasn’t that what they were supposed to do? For her, part of that meant putting up with Klaus drooling or Ben mumbling in his sleep.

Her other siblings mostly liked or at least tolerated her, other than Diego. Diego liked to argue with her almost as much as he did Luther. He often called her la bruja after the witch lights that taunt and trick people. Luther and Allison had told her he was probably just jealous that Y/N has useful powers. He is jealous that she has successfully molded her powers the way their father wanted her to. They told her she was as good at what she could do as they were, which was what pissed him off.

Luther didn't mind her as long as she followed orders and did her training. He liked her well enough, but she wasn't Allison. Allison liked having another sister with powers, but she wanted attention more, and since Luther was happy to give it to her, Allison spent most of her time with him. Y/N and Vanya got along well enough, but Klaus would usually drag Y/N and often Ben off on a whim and rarely left much time for the seventh sibling.

Y/N and Five liked to challenge each other. It was a playful rivalry, unlike Luther and Diego. She and Five would see who could get somewhere faster, him or her speed of light Wisp. They would race, push each other, and make each other faster and more focused. They'd take turns critiquing their techniques as they trained and just genuinely got along. They could be competitive and still be companions. The competitions made them both better. They thrived due to their competitiveness but always ended the day as equals.

A few days after Five vanished and failed to return, Vanya had come to her. Vanya was always observant, despite the neglect she suffered. Vanya had noticed how the Wisp wasn't out as much. The ethereal glow around her sister was dimmer, darker, it was less like a warm candle and more like the pilot light on a stove or a heater. A deeper, almost blue core to it. Blue as if tainted with her melancholy. And when the Wisp was out, usually in training or at their father's insistence, it was less of vibrant sunshine at high noon or a beautiful yet powerful sunrise. But more harsh like a wildfire flame at night. They had talked, cried, and missed their brother. Vanya gave her sister a sad smile the following day at breakfast. Happy that her sister's glow had warm colors back in it, but it still lacked some of the vibrancy it once had.

The blue tinge returned and deepened after Ben died. The Wisp was now a being of blue light that clung to her as the loss clung to her soul. People found it eerie and ghost-like, a more authentic Will o’ the Wisp. But when she took it over, the Wisp was more like a vengeful house fire than a being of sunlight. It was unsettling. Sir Reginald had insisted she cease it at once. So she would will it to be different at times, but it always looked off. She would think more of the ghost light stories, the darker ones. The witch lights, or even luz mala or La Candileja. Maybe those were more accurate these days, a bad omen.

When the Umbrella Academy drifted apart, she had moved to a small rental home in the suburbs. She found work in a local shop. Somewhere her glowing companion wouldn't bother anyone.

Klaus would drop by when he had nowhere to crash or needed general necessities. She would check in with Vanya and Pogo every week or so, but it was mostly solitary existence. After Vanya's book was published, she would catch her neighbors staring. They would keep their distance. Although a nice older woman named Joan who lived down the street would often stop by on walks with her dog. She was a fan of Allison's movies and was always happy to hear the stories the book didn't tell. She was the only person that didn't seem to think that her powers made her weird. Or at least she didn't think they were weird in a bad way.

But it all changed when she was notified about the death of Sir Reginald Hargreeves.

#The Umbrella Academy x reader #tua x reader #Diego Hargreeves x Female!Reader #Female!Reader #Diego Hargreeves x Reader #Diego Hargreeves x Y/N #tw: mentions of death #tw: death #tw: canon disappearance #tw: canon deaths #tw: depression #tw: neglect #tw: anxiety

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bamsara · 3 months

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Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.

#hmmm #trod au #the rehabilitation of death #cult of the lamb #cotl the lamb #cotl narinder #cotl the one who waits #cotl shamura #tw blood?#tw horror #doodles #may or may not be au canon compliant dont look at me #who wants a lammy lammy lammy

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spadillelicious · 5 months

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Sunhinged? This guy is no longer connected to the doorframe! /ref

#fnaf sun #fnaf daycare attendant #fnaf sundrop #fnaf dca #fnaf fanart #love death and rollerskates #spadille draws #sun x reader #fnaf sun x reader #security breach au #dca fandom #tw eyestrain #asdgfhfjdhfsjkl I know his pupils weren't visible in this scene canonically but it looked cooler

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incorrectbatfam · 10 months

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damian calls tim a spineless coward (affectionately) and tim says “its ‘spleen’less coward, actually”

Tim: What if I got a rubber spleen to match your metal spine?

Damian: ...Die (affectionate).

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waywardsunlight · 4 months

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New Year, same trauma (just dealing with it better)

#tw death #the owl house #luz noceda #hunter deamonne #post canon #toh #toh fanart #toh flapjack #darius deamonne #owl house fanart #the owl house fanart #toh comic #the owl house comic #luz and hunter are siblings #wayward sunlight art

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mailb0xbunii · 6 months

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what's yuri without a bit of cannibalism am i right

#buniidoodles #guqqie arg #arg!guqqie #arg!aimsey #tw cannibalism #arg guq eating arg aimsey as one of their many deaths being canon makes me lose it

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sp0o0kylights · 7 months

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"I feel him." El insists. "Alive."

She hasn't said his name since Will first raised them all over the walkie, but every person in the room knows who she means.

Not that Steve can say his name either.

"But we watched him die." Nancy says gently, before Dustin properly loses it from where he sits in the corner. "Owen's even sent someone back through to check."

"Yes." El agrees, but it's clear she's frustrated. "He died here. But he's not alive here, he's alive over there."

"In the Upside Down?" Steve asks, and pretends his voice isn't cracking with desperation and barely concealed hope.

"No!" El snaps, before taking a deep breath and collecting herself to try again. "Through the other gate."

"Okay." Hopper cuts in, hands waving in some kind of "stay calm" gesture. "El, honey, I think we're all still hung up about the other gate." He pauses, before adding. "And how Creel dying opened it."

El gives him a thousand yard stare.

"I'm getting the crayons." Joyce sighs as she stands up. In a mutter she continues, "Should have gotten them to begin with."

Silently, Steve agrees.

xXx Eddie xXx

It goes like this.

A bat breaks through the side of the trailer. It swoops low, teeth rattling, but it doesn't attack.

It emits an odd, echoing screech, before flying through the gate, to the Rightside-Up.

"Shit." Dustin curses wildly. "Shit, they're gonna try and invade!"

"I thought they were guarding the gate!" Eddie protests, as that echoing scream returns tenfold, coming from the mouths of too many demobats. “If they wanted to invade wouldn’t they have done that already!?”

"No, because Vecna was focused on opening more gates! This must be his plan--to open enough gates to push an army through. We have to lead them away!"

"Dustin-!" Eddie calls out desperately, but finds himself overwhelmed by bats as more and more break through.

He fights through them, trying to get to Dustin, trying to listen to what the kid’s screaming.

He can’t hear him.

Not over all the screeching, the beating bat wings and the thudding noises as they smack at his head. Their teeth snap, tearing into every piece of him they can reach.

Eddie doesn’t know how long he’s been surrounded, but he hears the trailer door bang open--and shut.

"Dustin!" He screams this time, voice as loud as he can make it.

The kid’s faster than he is.

He’d planned this--or at least, had thought about it long enough to get himself a solid head start, leaving Eddie scrambling after.

Fighting through the torrents of bats. Abandoning the gate because Hawkins can burn for all he cares--but there are people who don't deserve to go down with it.

People like Henderson, who have bright futures ahead of them.

Eddie tears his way towards Dustin, unthinking, just running.

‘Stupid, stupid, stupid-!’ He thinks, but not at Dustin.

At himself, because he knows the kid. Knows what to expect from how he acts in games.

Steve even called it--and Eddie’s not stupid enough to think he was talking to both of them when he warned them about not being a hero. He was included purely because Dustin would fuss otherwise and they were short on time.

Dustin’s on the ground when Eddie finds him, and he whips his spear at the few dozen bats that attack him, their bodies circling, teeth biting.

He gets in two good hits before shit hits the fan.

To his right something explodes, flames high and reaching, a thunderous boom whipping out so loud that Eddie's ears ring.

A shockwave nearly takes him off his feet, bandana pulled from his head and freeing his hair.

Eddie crashes on the ground next to Dustin.

Sees all the blood and doesn't know what to do.

"Come on man." Eddie pleads. "Come on!"

He doesn't get an answer.

It goes like this.

Vecna’s dead.

The blast that killed him was from some kind of explosion that took out all of Creel House.

It fireballed skyward, and the Upside Down rapidly began doing….something, seconds after.

Returning, Eddie decides, to whatever it was before the asshole got thrown in here.

Or dying, maybe.

(This is easier to think about than the fact that no one could have survived that blast. That there's a black hole Eddie can see, and it has to wrap miles and miles around the Creel House because he's still near his trailer.

It the trees down the stupid hill didn't make it then Robin, and Nancy, and Steve--

He stops. Shakes his head.

If Eddie thinks about it, it will make it real.

He can't let it be real.),

The monsters all fall as one, dropping to the ground like puppets with cut strings.

Eddie had been pummeled by a few demobat bodies before he could get clear, though given how some still occasionally twitch and hop around weakly after, Vecna's death doesn't necessarily equal their own.

Madly, he crushes a few beneath his boots.

Knows that won't bring his friends back.

Stomps on a few more because he can't do anything about that, and he can't cry any harder.

It goes like this.

Eddie gets back topside to find Vecna's revenge in action.

It's an act worthy of a mad god, not that Eddie would ever give him such a title.

Hawkins wasn't split. It was consumed, with large portions falling deep into the earth that opened under it. Smoke chokes half the town from an outburst of fires, while downed trees and electrical lines make walking a chore.

The road is a cracked and pitted mess, littered with holes large enough to swallow entire cars.

Passage is nigh impossible by car, and downright dangerous by foot.

It makes Eddie want to sink to his knees in despair.

There were still people around, that first day.

There were still people around the second and fifth days too.

But then the monsters appear.

They're not the demobats, or demodogs or even the demogorgons that Eddie was told of.

They're something--else.

Mutated and mutating, taking on appearances that reflect both the Upside Down and the Right-Side Up (a term coined by one of the freshmen--Eddie can't recall which.)

Actual flowers, great purple and orange looking blooms sprout teeth and attack. Vines stick out of arcade cabinets, carting them around like a hermit crabs shell.

Some people breathe the falling little pieces of ash and suddenly aren't people anymore.

(It was Erica, who had coined the term. The Right-Side Up.

Erica who was also deceased, because the fucking explosion didn't just take out the Upside Down version of the Creel house, but the real one too.

Which meant Max and Lucas and Erica…

But Eddie's not thinking about that.)

It goes like this.

Wayne's gone.

He'd been at the plant when the Earth had swallowed it, his first day back to work because he'd used all his PTO trying to find Eddie.

The coworker who watched it happen makes sure to tell Eddie his uncle insisted he was innocent. That the old man never stopped looking.

Likewise, the trailer is gone.

It fell barely a day after Eddie had climbed out of it, one half eaten while the other teetered dangerously on the edge.

There's cops at the borders of the city.

They’re been commandeered by the military and the feds both, and people in heavy gear prowl around like guard dogs just waiting to be let off leash.

Helicopters fill the air, always circling and searching. Units of men and women begin parading around with guns as they escort tanks and other battle equipment through the streets.

They're looking for something besides the monsters, and they're happy to cut the phone lines and police the survivors to find it.

No one's allowed in--or out.

Eddie tries to escape the first few days, after he realizes everyone who knew the truth is gone.

Thinks maybe he can get to the Byers, and that super powered girl out in California, but keeps getting cut off.

Twice they've nearly caught him, which means twice Eddie has been forced to come to terms with the fact that he's one of the things they're after.

They know him by name.

They know he was involved in Creel's takedown.

Eddie"s not just being hunted by the town now.

He’s being hunted by the United States as a whole.

It goes like this.

Eddie doesn't want to die.

Can't bring himself to take his own life, forever too much of a coward.

So he berates himself while he hides.

Wonders what the fuck his plan is here.

Focuses on surviving, stealing food, sleeping in people he loves houses and hoping maybe some of them made it out.

(Given how Gareth's and Jeff's places are both untouched, he doesn't think they did.)

He’s never prayed before but now he’s praying to every deity he can think of. Hoping, wishing, that if he can’t get out alive, he at least goes down quickly.

It goes like this.

Steve Harrington walks out of the woods with a nailbat in his hands, like a blood soaked fever dream.

Eddie doesn't care.

He hugs him so hard his own ribs hurt and the crazy thing is Steve hugs him back even harder.

"You're alive." Eddie sobs, face buried in Steve's shoulder.,"You're alive, you're alive…"

Steve grips him for a moment before whispering back; "And so are you."

He pulls away and Eddie struggles against him, not ready to let go, fingers grasping at his shirt.

Steve strokes his hair, his stupid tangled, gross hair and Eddie looks at him, desperately needing the contact to prove that Steve is real.

That he’s here.

"I need you to listen--I'm not your Steve." Steve says, and Eddie’s so desperate for contact that the words don’t register for a moment.

Not that they make sense when they do.

"What?" Eddie asks.

"There’s a--okay.” Steve sighs, before saying; “I am going to absolutely blow the explanation, but I need you to trust me.”

“I do.” Eddie says, even as Steve fulfills his own prophecy, and gives a completely nonsensical explanation.

At the end of it, Eddie can’t bring himself to care.

As long as he has Steve back--even if it’s not technically his Steve, Eddie will follow him wherever he goes.

#MY COMPUTERS FIXED #HAVE MULTIPLE DIMENSION SHENANGINS #There's a part in Transformers MTMTE where this dudes husband gets murdered in a massacre in one dimension and due to Scientist Shenanigans #his husband gets him back by pulling him from another timeline where everyone ELSE died.#There's a lot of PTSD involved and i wanted that for Steddie so here we are.#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #0o0 fanfics #tw death #tw canonical and non canonical death #but like #they get better #sorta #is stealing someone from another dimension better #pre steddie #one day I will write actual steddie #stranger things fanfic #angst #hurt/comfort #I suppose specific #tw dustin death #though I dont really go into it #or any of them #and again #THEY GET BETTER LOL #sort of #also I need you to know the husbands from TF MTMTE are canonical husbands #thats important lol #they gay

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kaysdenofchaos · 9 months

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Do you have adult designs for the tmmt boys? :)

I MEAN.

KIND OF???

~~~

(READ THE TAGS DONT KILL ME)

TMMT Iteration Masterpost

#NOT CANON JUST A LAST RONIN AU #was feeling silly goofy one day #I’ll give y’all happy adult designs I promise 🙏#teenage meddling mutant turtles #tmmt #tw character death #tw implied death #tmnt angst #tmnt donnie #tmnt leo #tmnt mikey #tmnt raph #tmnt au #tmnt iteration #tmnt fan iteration

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blogplutopools · 3 months

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some old lucaby stuff i found while organizing my files

#tw death mention #tw angst #lackadaisy #lackadaisy oc #oc x canon #rocky rickaby #self ship #blogplutocrat #lackadaisy cats #lackadaisycats #rocky rickaby x oc #self insert #lucabyiscanon

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faetreides · 4 months

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coriolanus snow in a possible fic where he kills reader but loses his mind and has dr. gaul bring them back… like death not even being enough to escape him but also just him being like “nuh uh 👆” at your literal dead body:

ALSO, modern!coryo: (he just wants to be close 😍🥰😽)

#modern!coryo hits you with a belt & canon!coryo hits you with a cane #*canon universe #just speaking my mind fr #coriolanus snow x reader #coriolanus snow #📜.scrolls #tw death #tw impact play #tw piss #as someone who had simultaneous childhood crushes on anakin skywalker and luke castellan…..#it was over for me when i saw the movie #⚰️.deaddove #dark fic #also the hitting isn’t a hard yes i just think they could have those vibes

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cricketclan · 5 months

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YAYYY WOOO first actual relationship in the clan!!! Followed by pain and suffering and death. sorry to all of the Sweet Creature fans, she was barely there for ONE moon. ALSO im crying shaking over Thunderpaw's death. CRYING. Also Bigdawn is the starclan guide, i wanted to draw her

First

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bonefall · 26 days

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would whitewater end up getting dark forested for her support of mudclaw, her hypocrisy, and her neglect?

There's a VERY high chance of it. She's almost certainly damned unless someone defended her VERY well (which is unlikely)

When StarClan makes a ruling, they aren't neccesarily deciding if you are Guilty or Innocent. They're determining if you are worthy of their ranks. You have to prove you belong in Heaven, NOT that you're not bad enough for Hell.

For most warriors this is a very simple yes, and no trial is required... but if you so much as OFFEND StarClan with your bad vibes, they might damn you just for that. Whitewater has a really bad reputation for everything she's done.

The Queen’s Rights actually work "legally" on the assumption that judgement is outsourced to StarClan, because mortals (Oakstar) can't be trusted to be impartial on this specifically. The birth of kittens cannot be used as evidence of codebreaking behavior... on the mortal plane.

StarClan was ALREADY going to give her a review just based on her affair with Mudclaw. If it ended on the Great Journey like they initially planned and she invoked QR with her Ba-less litter, there wouldn't even be a trial.

But that's not how this story goes. She was a ShadowClan cat involved in Mudclaw's rebellion, because she wanted to support him.

SHE might have only done that because she wanted to avoid ThunderClan "putting their paws in another Clan's business" or some other excuse, but StarClan says

"L + Ratio + Supported your baby daddy's coup + Set the peat on fire + What were YOU doing putting your paws in another Clan's business"

StarClan didn't even accept MUDCLAW'S explaination. They didn't even accept VIXENLEAP'S excuse, just some Thistle Law-loving RiverClan warrior who joined because Hawkyfrosty asked her to. They were always going to give Whitewater a hard time for this.

Whitewater might have been able to wrack up some goodgirl points by being a very loyal ShadowClan warrior..... and she did, a little.

But she kept her head down. No spectacular feats of redemption. Just tried to live quiet. That doesn't incur a lot of favor.

And then, the part you've been waiting for... how she treated Owlkit. Theyyyy didn't like that.

If she was sooo unattached to her mate, why did his smiting BOTHER her so much, hm?

She might have won favor for doing something very noble and giving the kittens to the bereaved Torear, but she KEPT Owlkit. Any love she had that influenced that choice drained away

and she didn't do the "right thing" for him by asking for help. She just did the bare minimum at best, and hid her abuse at worst.

Unfortunately though, the neglect and emotional abuse did not earn as much ire on their own as you're hoping. StarClan is (and was) full of much worse abusers. Hillrunner, for example.

Most of StarClan's condemnation would be based around Mudclaw's Rebellion... but they've been waiting a LONG time to process the surviving non-WindClan rebels. So... she's probably doomed.

Unfortunately I cannot imagine she takes it well. She completely ignores that Owlclaw was just a footnote in her condemnation, and uses it to confirm everything she ever believed.

"That kitten WAS meant to die that night. I should have dragged that child out into the storm with the rest of its cursed siblings. I've been shoved into the spot where Owlclaw should be!"

Hmm... maybe I should axe her shortly before the Great Battle, and actually have HER be the one who attacks Owlclaw's kittens. It would be pretty horrifying if she was the one who killed Weaselkit, her own grandchild.

#Canon will be like ouuuugh shes a bad mom bc she didnt smile at her baby every day for 500 years #Ill WRITE you a bad mom #BB!Whitewater #BB!Owlclaw #Better bones au #BB!OOTS #Poor Owlclaw lmaoooooo. Say hello to this simple bully character Jaypaw deals with haha!#(PUTS HIM THROUGH THE HORRORS)#Cw child abuse #Tw child abuse #Child abuse #Child death #Cw child death

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mickules · 2 years

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The (After) Life of the Party by @metamatronic Chapter 16: 2 Birds

the winner of my fanfic contest, where I asked for folks' fic recs and their fave scenes and picked one at random to draw

All credit to @metamatronic head over to their blog to check out their fics and wonderful art! They've got a bunch of extra ghost au interactions, as well as just tons of great stuff in general!

---

“ Don’t ,” Mondo said. His voice sounded weak, and for once he didn’t care. “Please, Kyoudai, please. Just don’t go in.”

For a moment, Taka hesitated. Mondo held his breath, watching as the prefect’s hand hovered over the doorknob. Then, mechanically, Taka leaned back and checked his watch.

“Right on time,” he said with a twinge of relief, before grabbing the knob and pushing his way into the room. Mondo’s feet felt like bricks, but he followed.

For a moment, it looked like Taka was alone. Taka huffed, checking his watch and straightening up. No amount of white hair or fake curse words could change his thoughts on punctuality, it seemed. Mondo let out a choked laugh.

Maybe Hifumi chickened out , Mondo thought. Maybe the plan fell apart, or Chihiro got through to him. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up, and that unease in his stomach hadn’t settled. His eyes darted around the room, before catching the glint of glasses as a figure stepped out from behind the open door.

Hifumi was wielding a large hammer as he shuffled over to Taka. As he lifted the mallet over his head, Mondo let out a snarl and went in for a tackle.

As he phased through Hifumi, he heard the nasty crack behind him and felt his blood run cold.

Mondo fell to his knees at Taka’s body. He paid no attention as Hifumi let out a small noise of disbelief before shuffling out of the room. He watch Taka’s eyes flutter— he was still alive, he realized, bile rising in his throat.

“C’mon, somebody, anybody ,” he whispered, trying to will a witness to come through the door and help the man bleeding out on the floor.

Taka groaned, trying to push himself up before collapsing. Mondo watched as his hair slowly darkened back to its natural color. Mondo reached out, before recoiling. He was terrified that he would actually make contact, that he’d somehow drag Taka into this ethereal hell he and his other classmates were living in.

“Don’t die, just hang on. Someone’ll come, someone’s gotta come,” Mondo said. There was so much blood. It was just like Chihiro, just like Dai—

Mondo shook his head, trying to violently shake the thoughts out. He couldn’t do this, not again, not now.

Taka murmured something and Mondo snapped to attention.

“It’s okay, Taka, you’ll be okay. Just hold on,” Mondo said.

“Mon…do…” Taka’s voice was quiet as his eyes slowly fell shut. Mondo stomach twisted.

“No, no, no,” Mondo whispered frantically. Just as Mondo leaned in, something flew up with such force that it smacked his chin and sent him reeling backwards.

Sitting up and rubbing his chin, he looked over. He froze.

Taka was sitting up, rubbing his head and frowning deeply. His eyes opened before locking with Mondo’s. He stared for a quiet moment before the tears started.

“Mondo!” Taka shouted, tripping over his feet as he practically launched himself into Mondo’s arms. Taka buried his face in his shoulder, and he could feel his hands clutching onto the back of his jacket so tightly he thought it might rip. He was sobbing.

Mondo, for a brief moment, let himself be selfish. He wrapped his arms around Taka and squeezed. He’d never wanted this to happen, not to Taka, but there was a small, terrible part of him that was so thankful to at least get one more conversation with him. God, he’d missed him.

“What happened?” Taka asked, finally pulling away. “H-How are you here? I saw you…die.” He choked on that last word. Mondo stared at him, mouth agape.

“You, uh…You’re not…Um.” Mondo stuttered. Taka seemed to have noticed Mondo’s eyes flick briefly over his shoulder, and slowly turned.

Taka screamed.

2K notes · View notes

tightjeansjavi · 4 months

Text

Slow Hands | Chapter 10

“the lone moose”

A/N: disclaimer before we get into this chapter, this is a very emotionally/mentally heavy chapter that might not be suitable for everyone. The main topic of this chapter and the next is focused around Joel’s attempted suicide and Tommy’s C-PTSD. This content maybe triggering for some, and if that is the case, please do not read if you feel triggered. Warnings will be marked appropriately. Take care of yourselves first. And as always, a huge thanks to my beta @angelofsmalldeath-codeine 🤍

~word count: 6.9k~

Summary: the wolves of Jackson are lurking

Pairing | Joel Miller x f!reader

Warnings: !DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT! thoughts of suicide, semi-graphic depictions of attempted suicide, brief moment of stigmatizing suicide (Tommy’s reaction) canon-typical violence, graphic depiction of an injury, semi-graphic depictions of childloss (and the trauma that comes with it) angst, grief, guilt, anxiety, heavy topics, anger, overwhelming emotions, C-PTSD responses, fear responses, no age gap, readers nicknames is Beanie (coffee beans) +18 minors DNI! PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED ANYTHING!!

Slow Hands Masterlist

Two days had passed since Joel and Ellie took the steps together to make up. Joel already had a visible pep in his step, and a lightness in his eyes that Tommy hadn’t seen in his brother for over 20 years. Joel’s back still ached, but the pain was subdued.

Patrol was long and uneventful. The two brothers only had a handful of evidence gathered to present to Maria, but neither would give up hope. After untacking Tex and Timber, Joel and Tommy turned both horses out in one of pastures just outside the stables. Tess was grazing alongside the fence when Timber and Tex went to greet her.

A wave of melancholy washed over his features as he watched Tex and Tess nuzzle one another affectionately. He thought of you, of course.

“Hey, Joel?” Tommy asked alongside him with his arms resting along the wooden fence. “Y’wanna have a drink with me real quick at the Tipsy Bison before y’head home?” He rasped softly.

“I’d love to, but I promised Ellie we’d have a movie night tonight. Can’t go and let her down, y’know? How about tomorrow?” Joel suggested with a grin.

“Ah, movie night with the kiddo. Hey, I think that’s great that y’all are movin’ forward. Tomorrow sounds good.” Tommy responded with a genuine smile. It was a relief that he and Joel were growing close again. He missed his brother terribly.

“Yeah, and Beanie as well. I let Ellie pick out the movie. Think she said we were gonna watch Curtis and Viper 2.” Joel stifled a chuckle as he glanced down at the toe of his boots.

“Aw shit, that’s a good one! Well, you enjoy yourself, okay? Adios, big brother. See ya in the mornin.’” Tommy reached over and gave Joel a side hug before he pushed himself off the fence.

“See ya in the mornin, Tommy.” Joel mumbled to himself with a smile slowly creeping over his lips. Truthfully, he was rather excited for this movie night with you and Ellie. He couldn’t picture a better way to spend his evening than with his two favorite girls.

“Hey, Tex? Y’keep a good eye on your gal tonight. Y’hear? I’ll see ya in the mornin’, pal.” He spoke softly as his horse lifted his head from where he was grazing. He let out a snort in response as his tail swished away at the pesky flies.

The weight of Tommy’s letter in Joel’s pocket felt ten times heavier than when Joel first had written it. He thought about making a quick pit stop at the Tipsy Bison to give it to him, but tomorrow was a new day. He’d give the letter to Tommy first thing in the morning.

Ellie’s carved wooden fawn was tucked away in the inside pocket of his flannel. He brought it on patrol to show Tommy, and because he liked having a piece of his baby girl with him. Tonight he’d give her the gift, and to you, his precious star, something that twinkled like the night sky; matching charm bracelets. Two golden hearts dangling from the chains. Appearing brand new, untouched. The names Peggy carved into one, and Steve into the other. Lovers from the past, and now lovers in the present.

He couldn’t wait to see the look on your pretty face when he would present the bracelet to you. He said one last goodbye to the horses. He’d pass by your home en route to his own as he usually did every evening after patrol. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until he noticed a figure looming in the distance. He squinted his eyes through the harsh rays of the setting sun. He approached the figure with cautious steps.

As far as he was concerned, no one ever hung around your home like this. It raised suspicions immediately. His boots crunched under loose dirt as the figure stopped their pacing and seemed to pause in thought.

“Cody?” Joel’s tone ran cold, edged with a sharp suspicion as his footsteps stopped a foot away. A balmy breeze sifted through his salt and pepper streaked tendrils.

The younger man looked around for a moment as the gears in Joel’s brain began to work on overdrive. He knew Cody, or so he thought. He believed Cody was a good man. They shared many meals, conversations—

“Have y’seen Beanie around by chance?” Cody asked casually as he ignored the obvious suspicion that Joel was facing.

Joel’s hackles raised on instinct as he watched Cody lean up against your fence with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Haven’t seen her since this mornin.’” Joel responded flatly. He knew right then and there that he had to play this cool for the time being. He didn’t need Cody knowing that he was onto him.

“Right. Well, thanks anyway, old man.” Cody muttered the last bit as he turned on his heel to walk away.

“What’re you doin’ hangin’ around her place anyway? Y’know I could have you—”

“Reported? Yeah, sure you can. What would you even report me for, Miller? Cody scoffed. “All you had to do was not get yourself involved. Coulda just kept your nose out of things, but that’s not how you play your game, right?” He turned to face the older man once more just as a distinctive crash was heard from inside of your home.

Joel moved quickly, but Cody was quicker. Stronger, and trigger happy.

Cody was pouncing on the older man like a predator does to their prey. They tousled in the dusty dirt before Cody had him pinned down. His fists rained down on Joel’s face and the pained groans only seemed to spur Cody on further.

“Just had to go and get yourself involved with that fuckin’ cunt, huh?!”

Joel tried to fold his arms over his head to block out the swift punches to his face. Cody was ruthless, and Joel wasn’t as strong as he once was. Years ago he would have snapped Cody like a toothpick, but his age was beginning to catch up with him and this was the result.

Through gritted teeth Joel attempted to use his weight to throw Cody off of him, but it was no use. “I’ll fuckin’ kill every last one of you. I’ll rip you limb from fuckin’ limb and scatter your remains to the wolves—”He growled.

“Yeah? And how do you propose you’re gonna do that, Joel? Y’ain’t the one with the upper hand here, old man! You’re not takin’ this from me! Imagine how proud he’ll be when I not only bring in the moose, but your precious Beanie too.” He sneered conceitedly.

That’s all Joel needed to get a second wind of adrenaline coursing through his veins. He growled between his teeth as he used what little remaining strength he had left to force Cody off of him. He was reaching for his concealed pistol tucked in his belt loop under his shirt, when Cody kicked it from his grasp just as the two men inside of your home came rushing out.

“Jesus! fuck, Cody! What the hell are you doin?’ This wasn’t part of the plan!” The one man, a burly fellow with scarred tissue from third degree burns that covered nearly half of the left side of his face yelled urgently. Through the rushing of blood, and pain stabbing every inch of Joel’s face, he recognized this man too. He recognized the man next to him as well, smaller in stature, but stocky. Alex and Oliver.

“Fuck the plan! I’m not gonna waste this opportunity!” He sent the heel of his boot right into Joel’s gut causing him to double over into the crimson speckled dirt with a pain ridden grunt. “Well?!” He threw his hands up in the air. “Was she in there or not?!”

Alex and Oliver slowly looked over at one another before their shoulders simultaneously slumped inward. “No, but—”

“FUCK!” Cody snarled out of sheer frustration. He couldn’t let him down. He was told he couldn’t show up empty handed. It wasn’t an option.

Just as Joel’s fingers weakly grasped the handle of his pistol, that lay only a short arms distance away, Cody sent his boot right into his face. There was a sickening crunching sound of bone matter and cartilage being crushed as Joel’s body stilled. He was knocked out cold from the impact as blood leaked down his face and soaked into the dusty earth beneath him.

Neither men moved as Cody began to pace in contemplation. He paid no mind to the consequences he would face for his actions.

“Cody, we need to get the fuck outta town right fuckin’ now! If anyone sees—”

“And show up empty handed?! Fuck no.”

“Cody, she wasn’t there. We have no fuckin’ clue where she could be. C’mon, let’s just go back and regroup before someone shows up and finds Joel layin’ in a pool of his own blood.”

Cody ignored his counterparts as he continued to pace in a tight circle. He suddenly stopped when the lightbulb went off in his sick mind. He turned towards the two men, with a smirk that could only be described as sinister, “Angie.”

Ellie was curled up against your body with her cheek pressed gently into your shoulder. Her eyes flickered towards the windows in the family room. She watched the last bit of sunlight dip behind the horizon as a warm summer breeze blew through the beige curtains.

Joel should have been home by now.

She waited with alert ears for the sound of the front door to squeak open any minute now. It never came.

She shifted against you before your gazes met. “Beanie, he should have been home by now.”

You understood full heartedly that this movie night was important to Ellie. This was the first time that she and Joel were going to be spending some quality time together after everything they had gone through. This was a big deal.

“Kiddo, I’m sure he’s on his way now. Maybe he and Tommy just got caught up in something?” You wanted to reassure her and yourself that Joel was in fact on his way, and maybe he was just running late.

“Beanie..he—promised. What if he’s ditchin’ me? God, this was so stupid.” She went to bury her hands in her face, but you stopped her.

“Ellie, he’s not ditching you. He would never do that to you. He loves you. I’m sure he’s just running late is all.” Your own fears began to crawl up into your subconscious. What if something was wrong? What if something had happened?

Ellie wanted to believe you, she really did, but her own fears were making an appearance as well. It didn’t help the fact that her last conversation with Joel had been about his suspicions of Lucas..

“I’m gonna go check the stables, okay? You stay here. Lock the doors.” Ellie was up from her spot on the couch before you could even attempt to stop her.

“Ellie,” you started, voice wavering from the building nerves, “be careful, okay?”

The teen looked over at you with a small, yet confident grin, “Always am.” Her face twisted back to a serious one as she tucked her gun in her hoodie pocket. Joel surely would have scolded her if he had seen it.

You listened to the soft click of the door opening and closing. Your eyes drifted over to the unoccupied spot on the couch where one of the pillows was smashed down. Joel’s spot. .

Please. Please just be running late.

Please be okay, Joel.

Tommy found himself reminiscing on the good ole days as he nursed his glass of beer. Condensation dripped down the outside of the glass like tear drops on cheeks. The noisy chatter that encircled him was drowned out by his thoughts. Joel had always been the protector, the planner, the guardian. And as a young boy, Tommy viewed Joel as his hero. His own beacon of light through the darkness. And when Sarah died? It all changed. He was angry. At the world. At himself. And now, here in this peaceful community, he was getting to see those small glimpses of the old Joel that had laid dormant for so many years.

The Joel that he knew and loved so deeply.

He left his glass half empty as he said his goodbyes to some of the patrol guys, and the barkeep before he walking towards the door.

He was heading in the direction of the home he shared with Maria when he noticed a mass laying just outside your home. He thought that his brain was playing a cruel trick on him, and the approaching dusk might have also played a role in what he was seeing.

Gravel and dirt particles crunched beneath his heavy boots as he started his approach. As he drew nearer, he was able to make out the outline of a body. And, oh—god

Tommy remembers the moment he heard the shot ring through Joel’s house as if it had happened just yesterday. While he gathered supplies in the garage, his big brother was upstairs with the barrel of a revolver pressed against his temple.

How could Tommy not have known? How could he have missed the signs? The indications that Joel was thinking of taking a drastic measure to end his life. How could he have missed it?

“Joel!” A younger Tommy Miller yelled in fear. He threw down the tool box in a haste. Tools of all shapes and sizes clattered to the concrete in a harsh crescendo.

“Joel! Please, no. Please.” He chanted weakly under his breath as his feet carried him up the staircase. He stumbled on the top step as a wave of nausea made its presence known.

“Joel!” He yelled again, more desperately than the last. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his brother so soon. He couldn’t. Not when just days ago they laid Sarah to rest. He couldn’t do this without Joel.

Sweat pooled at the back of his neck the closer he drew to the ajar opening of Sarah’s bedroom. He held onto the wall for support as his knees began to inevitably buckle from the dread crawling up his throat.

“Joel.” He croaked, “please. Please be alive in there.”

With a shaky breath, and through a mess of tears, Tommy pushed open Sarah’s bedroom door.

“I missed.” Joel murmured in disbelief. Disappointed that he couldn’t just do one thing fucking right. He couldn’t just follow through with his promise. His final wish to be with his daughter. His baby girl.

His palms trembled as his dull brown eyes flitted down to the revolver still in his grasp. He paid no mind to the blood slowly trickling from the right side of his head. Just a graze. Missed completely.

“Joel, what the fuck did you do that for?” Tommy wasn’t sure if he should laugh, cry, yell, all of the above? “You’re bleedin’, brother.”

“Oh.” Joel responded flatly. He brought his fingers up towards the right side of his head. He hardly flinched when his fingertips dragged through the flowing blood. He brought his hand back down to his eye level, fingers soaked in crimson. Then, the ringing started. Tommy’s voice started to sound fuzzy from the right side. “I flinched, Tommy. Thought I could do it. I was so sure—”

“Joel. Stop it, please.” Tommy nearly begged his brother as he cautiously moved in closer.

“I wanted to die, Tommy. I ain’t have anythin’ left to live for.” He refused to make eye contact with his brother purely out of shame.

“Killin’ yourself ain’t gonna bring Sarah back, Joel. Its fuckin’ selfish that you—” His words were bitter, jaded, sharpened with intent to harm. “I fuckin’ need you, Joel. I need my big brother to keep us alive. Is he still in there?” He pointed to Joel’s chest, symbolizing his heart.

When Joel finally brought his chin upwards to face his brother, the look on his sunken features shattered Tommy right down to the core. A broken man, father, brother. The same man that helped Tommy with his homework. The same man that taught him how to ride a bike. The same man that Tommy viewed as his hero. Where was he now?

“He died along with her.”

“Joel!” Tommy felt his voice get lodged in his throat at the sight of his older brother laying motionless in the crimson stained dirt. Panic began to swell and fester like an untreated wound the second his eyes landed on Joel’s handgun just an arms length away.

“No. No. Please— what happened, Joel!” He sank to his knees alongside him. “We were just—talkin’ about how much you were lookin’ forward to the movie night with Ellie and Beanie, remember? You said that you would see me in the mornin’, dammit!” He yelled, slamming one of his fists in the dirt before he took a shaky inhale. “Remember?”

He wouldn’t hurt himself, would he? The thought flashed through his mind briefly. He remembered finding Joel in a pool of his own blood after Sarah died. Tommy brushed away strands of Joel’s hair that were congealed together with blood. His brows furrowed intently when he found there was no bullet hole in Joel’s skull before he pressed his middle and pointer finger right against Joel’s pulse point.

Please. Please. Please still be in there, Joel.

When the faintest pulse was detected, Tommy let out a visible sound of relief. His big brother was alive, but Tommy knew he had to act fast.

“S’alright, big brother. You’re alright. Gonna get you fixed up.” He murmured to himself just as he heard approaching footsteps.

“Tommy?..” It was Ellie. Her voice wavered at the sight of her uncle and father on the ground. “J—Joel?!” Her eyes were wide with oncoming tears brimming when she locked in on Joel’s unmoving body.

“Tommy, wh—what the fuck happened?!” She blinked away her tears just as Tommy stood up from the ground. “Is he fuckin’ dead, Tommy?!”

“Ellie, I don’t know what happened. I was on my way home and—found him like this. He’s alive, kiddo. He’s alive, but we gotta get him to doc right away.” Tommy never felt like he was all that great at taking on the protective role, but his niece needed his comfort and reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

Ellie wasn’t listening to a word Tommy was saying. All she could focus on was Joel’s bloodied face and still body. Her emotions were consuming her entirely before she felt Tommy’s warm embrace wrapping her up. She let her tears soak into his shirt as she clung to him for dear life.

“Ellie, I know you’re scared, kiddo. But I need ya to be strong for me, and for Joel. We gotta get him to doc right now. I need you to help me carry him okay?” He spoke in a soft tone, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “He’s gonna be just fine. Your old man has always been a fighter.”

She squeezed her uncle tightly before pulling away from his embrace. She wiped what remained of her tears away on the sleeve of her shirt. “I’ll—I’ll take his legs?” She questioned rather than suggested. Seeing Joel like this, bloodied, weak, on the verge of—

“Ellie, he’ll be okay.” Tommy firmly reassured her again. He bent down over his brother and gently hoisted him up under his armpits while Ellie lifted him up by his legs.

Joel felt like dead weight, but his brother and daughter’s determination helped them power through the dull ache and strain in their muscles.

Tommy hated hospitals just as much, if not more than his brother did. The pungent stench of bleach, the droning hum from the overhead fluorescent lights. It was unappealing, cold, and overall a dreadful experience. But out of all of the late night visits to the ER after another bar fight, this by far was the worst of all to see his brother unconscious, dried blood crusted on his skin. Yet appearing peaceful while Doc checked his vitals and any signs of internal injuries

Ellie was seated next to her uncle nervously fidgeting with her fingers. Her leg was bouncing up and down frantically, until Tommy gently placed his palm over her knee in an attempt to soothe her.

“Well, he might have a bit of bruisin’ to his ribs, and his nose is definitely broken, but it’ll heal. There’s a chance he might be concussed, but I won’t know that for certain until he wakes up.” Doc said while tucking his clipboard under his armpit.

“I’ll stay here till he wakes up. Don’t want him wakin’ up alone.” Tommy said with a slight nod in Doc’s direction.

“I’m staying, too.” Ellie was defiant, of course. It was in her nature, and she couldn’t fathom not being by her dads side—

“Ellie, I’m gonna go and find someone to walk you home, okay? One of the guys on patrol..maybe a couple, given the circumstances.” He needed to make sure his niece got home in one piece, first and foremost.

Ellie clenched her fists, lips pressed tightly together as her eyes met Tommy’s in an intense stare. He could see residue of dried tears on her cheeks, and fresh ones beginning to brew like an oncoming storm. “Tommy,” she started, voice low, yet stern. “I’m not fuckin’ leaving him. I’m not. You can’t—”

“Ellie, I know you want to stay here with him too, but somethin’ about this ain’t right. You and I both know that there’s been some suspicious activity happenin’ as of late. Joel is goin’ to be okay, kiddo. He’s as stubborn as a mule.”

Her lower lip wobbled under the bright fluorescent light. She wanted to be angry at her uncle for telling her what she needed to do, but he was right, and there really wasn’t another second to waste. “Don’t you dare even think of leavin’ his side, Tommy. Don’t you dare.” She wiped her eyes along the back of her hand before making the final decision to get up from where she was sitting.

“I won’t, kiddo. I promise.” Tommy reassured her.

She walked over to the right side of the bed where Joel was lying and gently ran her fingers through a few stray curls that were stuck to his forehead. Dried sweat, dirt, and blood littered his hair and face. She leaned down, whispering something while she pressed her lips to his temple, squeezing her eyes shut.

Please don’t die.

Tommy left the room to give Ellie a bit of privacy. He flagged down a nurse in the hallway and quickly explained that he needed someone to ensure Ellie safely got home. It was decided that two patrol members would escort her home.

When Tommy returned, he was with Jesse and Liam waiting outside the open doorway.

“Ellie?”

Her head snapped in the direction of Tommy’s voice as she quickly wiped away the remnants of her tears.

“Jesse and Liam are gonna make sure you get home safe. Okay, kiddo?”

“Sure.” She muttered. Agreeing with her uncle didn’t mean that she had to act happy about it. Despite her feelings, she made a point to hug her uncle before she left the room.

Don’t leave him. She reminded him.

Sunlight warms his skin, birds chirping in the high treetops, a soft breeze rustles through his hair, kissing his temple. He knows this place, where he stands. It’s—

“baby girl?” He chokes out, stumbling forward in an uncoordinated motion.

She’s there. She’s alive. She’s got daisies in her curls.

“Dad?”

He nearly drops to his knees right at the spot where he and Tommy dug her grave all those years ago. He stops in his tracks as she turns around to face him. She’s wearing the same clothes that she died in, except there’s no blood. No bullet wounds. She’s untouched. Bright, glowing under the rays of sunlight.

“Are you really here? C-can I hold you? Are those daisies in your hair? Baby girl, I’m so sorry.” The words tumble past his lips like an avalanche of word vomit. His heart lurches in his chest, leaping from the confines of his ribcage.

Sarah’s feet carry her swiftly to her father before she’s wrapping her arms around his middle, hugging him tightly with her cheek pressed firmly against his chest. “I’m really here, dad.” She squeezes her eyes shut.

Joel’s arms wrap around her immediately, hugging her to his chest as tightly as he can, he’s trembling, tears blurring his vision, dripping down his cheeks and landing softly on her head of curls. He pulls away only to gently cradle her face in his strong, calloused, gentle hands.

She’s here. She’s alive. His baby girl.

“Dad..you—you remembered our favorite spot?” Her smile is beautiful, radiant, full of life.

“Of course I did. Our hikes, the fresh air. We—we loved it out here. I—I never forgot. Baby girl, I haven’t forgotten you. I—I think about you everyday. I’m so sorry. I miss you..I miss you so much.”

Her hands come to rest against the patches of his now graying beard. “Dad, you don’t have to apologize. I’m okay, I’m happy. I miss you too, dad. I miss you so much, but Ellie, she needs you. I’ll always wait for you, I promise. I’m always going to be right here.” She drops one of her hands from his face to then point to his heart. “I’m always with you.”

His face falls as his thumbs gently stroke her cheekbones. He’s not ready to leave, not yet. Not so soon. Too soon. He needs more time. Time. Time. Time.

Ellie.

“You—you would have loved her, baby girl. She reminds me so much of you. Her smile, her laugh. I see you in her. She’s—she’s my blessing. My second chance..my light in the darkness.” He sniffles, leaning down so he can press his lips to her forehead.

“And she needs you more than ever now, dad. She needs you. You have to forgive yourself, okay? Please promise me that one day, you will forgive yourself, dad. Promise me.”

“I promise you, baby girl. I promise. Daddy loves you, okay? He loves you so much.” There’s so much more he wants to say, so much more he wants to tell her, but there’s not enough time. He knows it.

“Dad, I love you so much. Tell Tommy I miss him too, okay? I’ll see you again one day, when the time is right.” She hugs him one last time as he buries his face into her mess of curls, holding in his sobs as more tears begin to fall.

“When the time is right, baby girl.” He murmurs.

—

“Well, brother. Guess it’s jus’ you and me now, huh?” Tommy wants to laugh, but he can’t. His emotions are all fucked. Everything is so fucked.

“That kid of yours really loves the hell outta ya. You’re like two feral cats.” He continues, forcing himself to stand and walk over to his brother's bedside. “And I know how much you love her.” He murmurs as he glances down at the nightstand where the contents of Joel’s pockets are laid out.

The two charm bracelets, the wood carving of a fawn for Ellie, and a folded piece of paper now tarnished with blood and debris.

“One of these for Beanie?” He asks while gently picking up one of the charm bracelets. “I’m so happy you listened to my advice and went to her coffee shop. I jus’ had this feelin’ that you two would hit it off.”

“You love her, huh? Like..really love her? I’m glad, Joel. I’m glad that you’re finally allowin’ yourself to love, and be loved. If anyone in this fucked up world deserves that, it’s you.”

He sets down the charm bracelet alongside the other before he picks up the wood carved fawn. One of the delicate ears had broken off during the fight, but it was fixable. “Ellie is going to love this when she sees it. You’ve always been..a giver, Joel.. Always thinkin’ of others before yourself. Puttin’ your heart out on the line. I know it hasn’t been easy for you, but I’m so grateful that you met Ellie when you did. You saved her, but she saved you just as much. Turned that cold heart of yours into somethin’ good again.”

He placed the fawn down gently before he eyed the folded piece of paper. “Y’still writin’ those letters? Have they been helpin?’ Y’know, I thought about writin’ a couple myself.”

Something in his gut tells him that this letter..is meant for him.

He swallowed the lump rising in his throat as he reached for the piece of paper and picked it up with trembling fingers. He sees his name written on the outside, and his vision goes blurry with tears. “You..were gonna give this to me tomorrow when we said we were gonna meet at the Tipsy Bison?”

He slowly sinks down along the side of the bed, unfolds the letter and begins to read it silently.

Tommy, this is the third letter I have written thus far, so hopefully this comes across the way I have intended it to. Ever since we were just two little boys scraping our knees up on the playground, telling each other secrets, and holding each other tight when mom and dad would argue into the odd hours of the night, I always found myself being protective over you. I ain’t even sure if it had anything to do with age, and more to do with the fact that it’s been instilled in me since birth that I'm a natural protector. I’d do anything to keep you safe.

I’ve never told anyone this, but the day you told me that you wanted to join the army, and make a difference in the world, I wept. I soaked my pillow with my tears that very same evening cus’ I realized I couldn’t protect you anymore. You were eighteen, and ready to take on the world. Selfishly, I didn’t want you to go, and I know that war changed you. I know what it did to you, and you were no longer the little boy hiding under the covers from the thunder and lightning. You were molded into a man right before my eyes, but you’ve always been my little brother, and ain’t nothin’ gonna change that.

I know you blame yourself for the night that we lost Sarah. I still remember the grief in your eyes. You tried so hard. So fuckin’ hard, and I’m so sorry for what I became after she died.

A stray teardrop fell along the thin paper as the word ‘died’ began to blur from the sudden moisture.

You literally had to pry her cold body from my arms because I refused to let go. Even when we dug her a shallow grave near the woods she loved to hike in, you had to stop me from crawling into that goddamn hole with her.

24 hours. 1 day since the outbreak. 1 day without his baby girl

“She’ll be happy here, Joel. She gets to rest in her favorite place.” Tommy murmured as he set the shovels down next to the grass covered earth that would soon be dug up to create a shallow grave for Sarah to finally be laid to rest. The younger Miller brother hid his grieving behind a stoic face. He didn’t want Joel to see how much pain he was in. He wanted to be the strong one for once in his life, especially since he blamed himself for Sarah's death. If only he had been there sooner. If only he had acted quicker, maybe she would still be alive.

Joel was unmoving as he held his deceased daughter, who had long since grown cold and stiff in his arms. She was wrapped in a sheet, as Joel couldn’t bear to see her unmoving eyes any longer. He had shed his last tears, as he watched his brother begin to dig a shallow grave. As the minutes ticked by, Joel was realizing that after Sarah was to be buried, he no longer would be a father, and the thought made him feel queasy. What did he have to live for if he was no longer a parent? What was the point?

“Tommy..” Joel croaked, “I–can’t let her go.” He choked up as the weight of the world was beginning to press down on his shoulders. He held Sarah close to his heart where his chin came to rest upon her covered head. “Tommy, we–”

“Joel, we have to let her go. Brother, please. She’s gone, and there’s nothing we can do to bring her back. I’m sorry.” He was. If he could go back in time and take Sarah’s place, he’d do it in a heartbeat.

Joel’s eyes began to glaze over with fresh tears as he began to frantically whisper to Sarah as if she could hear him from the other side. “S’okay baby girl. You’re okay. Daddy has you, and he’ll see you soon. I promise. I’m coming for you, baby girl.” He pressed a firm, promising kiss to her covered head before he slowly lowered himself onto his knees along the edge of the hole in the dirt. He could feel stomach acid rise up his throat at the thought of the earth, and mother nature consuming his baby girl. He wanted to go with her.

Tommy watched with a heavy heart as he watched his older brother gently place his baby girl into the shallow grave. His own tears began to silently fall as images of a newborn Sarah flashed in his mind. He remembered the pure joy and love that radiated from Joel the moment he got to hold his daughter for the first time. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

As Tommy willed himself to begin shoveling the dirt he dug up into the grave, he watched in horror as his grief-stricken brother nearly had crawled into the hole. He dropped the shovel in a haste as he grabbed ahold of the underside of Joel’s shoulders and yanked him back.

The soul-shaking, torturous, anguished sound that cascaded from Joel’s mouth, was one that chilled Tommy’s blood. It could only be described as a grieving parent refusing to let their only child go.

Tommy still has nightmares of it.

I’m sorry I put you through that. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t just fuckin’ pull myself together for both of us. I know how scared you were, Tommy. I was scared too. I was terrified. I was supposed to be the big brother then. The one who had all the answers. Who could come up with a plan at the drop of a hat to keep his little brother alive. Instead, you had to fill that position. You stepped into that role because I gave you no other choice. If you didn’t force me to leave that spot where she died, I would have rotted there with her. I never thought for a moment about the pain that you were feeling. I lost a daughter that night, but you lost a niece, and a brother all in one night.

48 hours. 2 days since the outbreak. 2 days without his baby girl.

It was Tommy’s idea for him and Joel to return home to gather up as much food and supplies they could get their hands on. Joel was apprehensive, but Tommy reassured him that they wouldn’t have to stay long. So, Joel reluctantly agreed. Their neighborhood was dead silent with no signs of life to be found. The bombs that the government had dropped only impacted the major cities, and left the small neighborhoods untouched from their destruction. It would have just been another day if it weren’t for the familiar bodies scattered in the street. Both Tommy and Joel avoided looking at the deceased body of Nana Adler as they crossed their front yard.

“I’m gonna grab what I can from the garage, and then I'll meet you inside? Grab a couple of backpacks and stuff it with clothes, and anything else you think we might need. Okay, Joel?”

The older Miller brother could only meekly nod as a non-verbal response. He was too focused on remembering that he had stashed a revolver in his office drawer for safe keeping. At least it would be quick.

Tommy was unaware, clueless to Joel’s plan to end his life. He knew his brother was mourning, but he never had thought about the drastic measures he would take to be reunited with Sarah.

As Joel ascended up the stairs, memories of his life before the outbreak leaked into his mind. A five year old Sarah running down the stairs to avoid bath time after playing outside all day. Sticky with sugary sweet syrup from a popsicle, and dirt and twigs stuck in her head of curls. Joel patiently demanded that she needed a bath. Well, Sarah had other plans of course and Joel would have to catch her first.

He could hear her gleeful giggles now; almost sweet music.

Soon, baby girl. I promise.

His footsteps were soft, and undetected as he padded down the hall to his office area. His hand grasped the handle as he slowly turned it and pushed the door open with ease. Everything was right as he left it. Blueprints for a new project he and Tommy were working on. A school paper from Sarah that she had left for him to proof read. A stale cup of coffee. Tommy’s note tacked to the corkboard that Joel kept from when they were kids. A life preserved in time. He reached for the note as he gingerly plucked it from where it was pinned. He folded it carefully before slipping it into his pocket. He wanted to have a piece of his brother with him, always.

Joel didn’t feel nervous as he opened the file cabinet drawer that contained his concealed revolver. He greeted it like an old friend as he grasped it firmly in his palm. The coolness of the metal diffused his clammy skin. He could do it here, he thought silently. No, he wanted to be closer to Sarah. To be comforted by her familiarity. So, he left his office and went straight to her room.

As he brought the barrel of the gun to his temple, he felt calm. He felt ready. More ready than he had ever felt in his entire life. He felt sorry for leaving Tommy to fend for himself, but he knew that his brother would survive, and he’d be better off without him anyway.

As his finger hovered over the trigger, he observed Sarah's untouched room. From the crumpled sheets along her bed where he had tucked her in for the very last time, her discarded backpack, her posters, trophies from soccer, and all of her photographs. Photos of her and Joel. Her and Tommy. She was the happiest kid ever, and that’s how Joel wanted to remember her.

As his finger gradually applied pressure to the trigger, he flinched. The bullet missed, and grazed the right side of his temple. His right ear was profusely ringing as he dropped to the carpet like a bag of bricks. He could faintly hear Tommy’s shouts and footsteps racing up the stairs as blood slowly trickled down his face.

Tommy, I was selfish. I was selfish for wanting to take my life and leave you to fend for yourself. My baby brother. The same brother I swore to protect till my last dying breath. I was a coward, Tommy. A weak, selfish, pathetic coward. I wanted to take the easy way out. The cheap way. I just hope you still don’t hate me for it. I hope you don’t hate me for putting you through the trauma and pain of almost losing me too. Sometimes I wonder if my attempted suicide triggered your thirst for blood. As if I am the direct cause for the carnage you partook in when we joined Tess and her raider group. Sometimes I wonder if all those times that we murdered people, that you pictured me on the other end of the gun. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the brave big brother that you always believed me to be. I’m sorry that even over twenty years later, I’m not me. I’m not the Joel that you looked up to. I’m not sure if I'll ever be that version of myself again, but I am ever-so grateful that I am still your brother. Your flesh and blood.

I hope that one day you’ll be proud to be my brother again. Till then, I'll always have your back.

-Your big brother, Joel. The one that held you when things went bump in the night.

Tommy isn’t even aware of how much time has passed while he reads Joel’s words over till they're practically burned into his brain. He doesn’t feel the shifting of the coarse sheets, or see Joel’s fingers twitch at his side.

“Tommy..” Joel croaks, voice hoarse and barely audible.

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