#very sorry the truth is i forget people actually read what i write m(._.)m

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

spring snow, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: In memory of you, the one I should have loved when it counted. But I didn’t. I’m sorry. To the backdrop of the black sky and white flakes falling down, you and Jeon Jungkook learn that you are far more connected than you could ever believe. I miss you.

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; slow burn - struggles with letting go of the past, ponderings of adulthood, and feels; smut (fem reader, heavy making out, f and m-receiving oral, penetrative sex); non-idol!AU - JK walks reader home every day after work; switches between Jungkook’s POV and yours

this is a very different format from my usual. i let my hands do whatever they wanted to do. about people and relationships... and porn with feelings XD

--

I miss you.

It’s crazy that I think that now. Back then, I couldn’t wait to get out.

I miss you.

Sometimes I stay awake on purpose. I don’t want to fall asleep and see you. If I see you in my dreams, I miss you more. I remember what each season with you was like. Warm nights lit up by fireworks and bites of crushed-up watermelon from strong but unstable hands. Cold afternoons with warm breath against my palms, watching the leaves tumble down. Endless nights surrounded by white flakes tumbling from the sky.

I fill my days with the way it was, and I fill my nights with broken dreams.

I wish I could say I wrote that but, actually, I read that from my hyung’s notebook. He’s good with words. I’m not. Or maybe it’s from a song. He likes writing down lyrics that stick with him. Anyway, you you would have liked him. He might have inspired you back then. You always liked intelligence since you felt like you lacked it.

Now I know that was precious too, those moments of innocence.

I miss you.

I should have held onto you more closely back then.

I should have but I didn’t know.

I’m sorry I didn’t. That’s what I wanted to say.

-

I miss you.

I see you clearly when I close my eyes. It’s spring. The trees have flowered and the petals are being blown by the wind. Your hair flies up from the breeze. That expression you make, mild surprise and wonder as the pink petals surround you in a halo and then disappear into the sky and the horizon.

I like your eyes.

They’re so pretty.

It’s not realistic, but I like to pretend it is.

But you’re right. Spring is usually a lot of rain. Blue moods and grey days. You were always right about those things. I bet you’re still right about them now. You have to be, huh? Always realistic. Did you ever think you should pretend a little more? Just a little bit. Maybe, if you did… back then.

I miss you.

I try to forget about you.

I try to lose myself so I can forget about you. I don’t think it’s working though.

Fuck, I miss you.

-

I thought about you today.

Do you remember that there was a time you thought kissing was so important? You acted like it was super gross, but the truth was that you couldn’t imagine kissing just anybody. It had to be someone really important.

That’s weird, you know.

That’s so weird. It’s only a kiss.

Just a kiss.

Would you tell me not to kiss her?

Would you tell me she’s not important enough? That I’m wasting something really important? I thought about it. I thought about you, so I didn’t do it. I almost got close. But I couldn’t do it. I thought about your face looking back at me. And I couldn’t do it.

I still want to, though.

The night was really cold. I wanted to hold her hand, at least. But she just smiled at me and tucked her hands in her pockets. She told me to hurry home so I didn’t get sick.

Maybe I should have kissed her.

-

Fuck.

I’m not holding on. I’m not. Look. You’re only in my head. That’s it. I have a lot of things in this head of mine, not just you. You’re not the only one here. I remember a lot of things from back then, not just you. There’s lots of people in here. Not just you.

Blurry faces, sure.

But still there.

Not just you.

I don’t want to think about you. I hate it. You remind me of bad things. Of cold days. Of blue and grey, of dark nights and missed mornings. Of empty feelings and grasping at nothing. I want to forget. I want to forget those obsidian nights with pearl-white flakes falling from the sky, forget those frozen palms and dead leaves under the feet of passerby, forget those humid, sticky summer nights most of all, those nights were I looked up and saw no stars.

I want to forget the rain and the flower petals that I made up, yeah, those ones that surround your curious face and pretty eyes.

Please.

I want to forget.

Let me forget.

-

I think everyone feels this. I’ve thought about it. This feeling can’t be exclusive to me, right? For instance, people talk about how they miss their high school friends. They wonder what they’re up to. If they would still be friends now. Would they still like the same things? Or would they move on to different interests? Adults are like that. They talk about back then, school days, carefree vacations, and that hot girl they had a crush on, wondering if they’re still hot now.

I don’t really think I’m an adult, but I do miss you and I do think about back then.

School days.

I was so ready to become an adult, but now that I’m here, and I’m pretty sure adult is a fake word. I don’t think you would have believed me if I told you back then. You just wanted to be an adult and do all the things adults can do. Stay up as long as you want. Not have homework anymore. Adults are free to do whatever they want, right?

Who knows.

I know you wanted to find that real kiss more than anything.

I saw her again.

I think I’m just going to kiss her the next time I get the chance. I don’t really care if she’s important enough or not.

Maybe that’s what adult means.

-

This is a mistake.

I know you would tell me it is. I don’t care though. I don’t care anymore what you think.

I don’t.

I’m not going to let myself be dragged down by the ghost of you for no reason. What’s the point of the past? To learn from past mistakes, of course. There’s no point in dwelling on those dark nights lying awake with music pumping through earbuds to drown out all the sounds. Look at you. You’re stuck back then and you can’t escape.

Because you’re in my memory and you’re not here.

Don’t drag me down with you.

I’m sorry.

But I can’t think about you anymore, you know?

I really can’t.

I can keep trying to romanticize the past but it’s killing me slowly and I can’t romanticize you any longer because it’s all I can think about and I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating from the thoughts of you and your smile that I can’t seem to remember. I hate that I can’t remember. I should have made you smile. Is it my fault that I can’t remember or my fault that I could never make you smile and that’s why I can’t remember?

Fuck.

I miss you.

I am sorry.

It means nothing now but I don’t know what else to say.

And I know I’m making a mistake. This that I’m chasing now, this is a distraction. You know all about those. I know you do, because you had a lot of hobbies and they were all distractions. I remember those at least. You had your nose in books. You drew a lot. You collected Pokémon cards and hid them in tins in the back of your closet. Yeah. I remember that too.

I know it’s mean of me, but he’s a distraction.

He’s a distraction from you and those memories.

I’m going to kiss him.

And I’m going to forget about you.

-

I feel guilty.

I thought about you when my lips touched hers.

It was right before she was about to go up to her apartment building. Weirdly cold tonight once again. I could see my breath in the air, right between us. She said it would be a god night for ramyeon. I thought that was funny. I said that she should come over and eat ramyeon.

She just smiled at me and tucked her hands in her pockets.

I thought, ah, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t that close the other night. Maybe even though I wanted to kiss her, she didn’t want to kiss me because I wasn’t important enough. Maybe she was sure even though I wasn’t. Is that what being an adult means? I wondered.

But then she stepped a little closer.

I could see my breath in the air, white and foggy, right between us.

She said to me, “I’m going to kiss you.”

I thought about you and then her lips pressed to mine.

They were soft.

She sighed a little and I could taste her breath, sweet and warm.

I feel guilty, because I wasn’t sure, but it still felt nice. I still wanted it. Maybe it was a mistake.

Maybe, but it was a beautiful one.

It’s okay to make mistakes though, isn’t it? I think you would say so. You made a lot of them. Well, that was what being young was about. You used to beat yourself up over them. I wish I could tell you not to do that, but you were really stubborn and you probably wouldn’t listen. You used to think, “When I’m an adult, I won’t make mistakes.”

Maybe that means I’m not an adult yet, because this is probably a mistake.

But.

I want to kiss her again.

-

I did it.

I kissed him.

He liked it. I’m pretty sure. When I backed up, he had a dropped jaw and big wide eyes. It was kind of funny. Almost like a kid. But that’s okay. It’s no fun being an adult. You understood that, even back then. Even in blue moods and grey days, you didn’t think that being an adult would make it better.

So, when he looked at me with those big round eyes and parted lips, I thought, maybe, maybe you wouldn’t say it’s a mistake.

Maybe.

I thought about taking him up on his offer. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what that not-so-subtle “come over and eat ramyeon” meant. Heh. I thought about it.

But then I thought about you, even though I didn’t mean to.

Maybe you wouldn’t say it’s a mistake, but.

You would shake your head at me, for sure. You would say, don’t.

So, I just kissed him and left him there.

And now I’m here, wondering if I should have just ignored the thought of you. I’m mad at you. I hate you sometimes. But I miss you. I wish I could erase you, because then it wouldn’t hurt as much.

And anyway.

You can’t erase your past.

I wonder if he was happy that I kissed him. Maybe. I feel like he might like that kind of thing. He always reminds me it’s not safe to walk alone. I always tell him it’s a short walk, but he reminds me that he lives only a few blocks away and it’s not a big deal. I let him walk me home, because sometimes I can forget about you when I’m focused on someone else. We don’t always talk, but he’s there. I think he gets off work a little earlier than me, but he always waits.

He waits for me, like the future.

He probably only wants to get laid.

Well, that’s okay too. If he wants me to be his distraction, then maybe he can be mine, even if only for a short while. Maybe he can help me forget about you and I don’t have to miss you anymore.

He had a nice kiss. Soft, with a little gasp, like he was trying to breathe me in.

I want to kiss him again and forget about you.

-

Do you remember the first time someone held your hand?

She held my hand.

It was very quick. I was fixing the earbud in my ear and then I felt her hand close around my wrist, slipping down because she was walking around me, tugging me into the convenience store. She was saying something about how me mentioning ramyeon the other night reminded her she was almost out, but I didn’t catch all of it.

I was too busy realizing how cold my hand was and how warm hers was.

It’s still cold these days, especially when the sun sets. The day is okay, but I still have to bring my coat to work because I wait for her to get out so I can walk her home.

Anyway, she let go once I started following.

It feels weird telling you this. Maybe you don’t want to hear it. But I was reminded of you.

The radio station was playing an old song. You know, the one that was super popular in middle school and they had to ban it during exams. Haha, yeah, that one. I recognized it right away. She recognized it too and started singing along. Then she noticed that I noticed and I think she got embarrassed.

But.

You know how in the movies, there’s that moment?

I think today was like that.

Because I started singing too and she started backing up really fast and dashing around the aisles and I was following her around and I started dancing as she ran and she was laughing and, I don’t know, it reminded me of you and back then. It was dumb and didn’t really make sense, but that’s how it was back then, wasn’t it? Moments of pure joy, unblemished. We got yelled at and we were told to get out. She didn’t even get to buy any ramyeon. Still, we rushed out and she was laughing and I was laughing too.

It reminded me of you and back then.

But this was different.

She smiled up at me and I kissed her, just like that. I wouldn’t have done that, back then. But I did it without thinking and it felt like the thing to do, because she kissed me the other night and I…

I wanted her to know that I wanted to kiss her too.

It was really nice.

Better than any kiss you had, I know.

If I close my eyes right now, I can still see the way her eyes opened slowly. The way golden hour lit up her face, the way the cold turned her cheeks pink, the way her lips parted.

The way she looked at me.

It reminds me of back then, of you and your innocence.

I miss you.

-

It’s too fucking cold. Isn’t spring supposed to be coming soon? Why is it so fucking cold?

Hah.

I think I’ve done it now.

I didn’t really mean to. It just kind of happened. Him and I, we were in front of the apartment building and I think he meant to lean forward and give me a good night kiss and, I don’t know why, I just… I just grabbed him by the shirt. Yanked him close.

You used to do things like that too.

I don’t want to be like you, but.

I looked up at him and he seemed surprised, but his arms wrapped around me. I could see his breath when we were that close. He was wearing a big fluffy white coat. It made him look like a cloud. Or a bunny.

I asked him if he would come up with me.

I don’t know why I thought he would say no. He was already holding me. I guess you always prepared me for failure and rejection. That was your specialty, always finding for rock bottom.

That moment seemed like forever, but it was a warm forever of soft breath and that fluffy coat.

He said that he would accompany me upstairs.

I don’t know why I thought he would disappear if I didn’t hold his hand.

It might have been a mistake, but. It didn’t really feel like one. Maybe that’s how beautiful mistakes are. I didn’t even turn on the light. We were in the dark when the front door closed. I pushed him against the wall and slipped my hands under that fluffy coat to that orange shirt. I was surprised. He has a manly body under that cute face.

In the dark, I leaned forward to kiss him but my lips were against his neck and I kissed his throat instead.

He moaned.

I thought about you, but this was different.

I could smell him, I could feel him, and I thought about you, and I thought I would be upset or maybe even afraid, but he was holding me and my lips were pressed against his skin, and I forgot to be upset or afraid.

He smelled nice.

Tasted nice too.

I said I can’t think about you, but I might have been wrong. Because I thought about you and I kept going, kept kissing him and holding him in the dark. Felt his lip ring against my cheek and his gasp against my lips when my fingers touched his waist and gripped his shirt tight. I asked him if he felt good, if it felt nice to be this close, told him I wanted to see if he still felt that way when we were alone and no one was looking.

He said he still felt the same even though no one was looking.

It’s so cold outside after the sun goes down, but, in that moment in the dark, it was warm in his fluffy coat and his arms around me. It didn’t even bother me that it didn’t go further than that. I told him he should go home before it got too cold. Kissed him before I let him go, reminded him that he had to walk me home tomorrow too.

He seemed happy.

I like his smile. There’s a small mole under his lips. It gives him an innocent look.

I’m sorry I said I can’t think about you.

I miss you.

-

Wow.

The way she tasted.

I think I’ll remember that taste forever.

-

I fucked up.

How did I fuck up so bad?

Ugh, I’m so stupid.

Let’s call a spade a spade. I fucked him in attempt to forget about you. I fucked him because I miss you, because I hate you, because I am nothing without you and he is collateral in this fucked-up mess, which makes me a shit person.

I fucked him and it felt good.

Better than good. Was fantastic. Yeah, you heard me. And I don’t care either, I don’t care that I liked it, I don’t care that he took me out to dinner and I paid for his drinks knowing full well what I was doing, knowing that I went to work in a sexy dress on purpose, knowing that he would say yes at my front door the second I asked him if he wanted to come in. I see the way he looks at me.

I can pretend I didn’t but you know me. I’m no liar.

I knew what I was doing.

I know what I’m doing and it’s awful.

Fuck.

His hands on my face. That little smile. He way he pauses a little bit before kissing me. I can taste it, his excitement when I reciprocate. I come on strong and he likes it, either because he likes that kind of attention or because he likes being wanted. Doesn’t matter. I’m doing this to forget about your effect on me. I touch his face and trail my fingers down his chest to forget how you have a chokehold on my mind. I unbutton his floaty black and white dress shirt to forget how you know everything about me and see right through me. I thrust my tongue into his mouth, make him moan, trace his muscles with my fingertips and feel his heartbeat at the tip of my touch to forget all about how you keep me dead when I’m supposed to be alive.

He tastes good.

Like innocence and a desire to be loved.

I hate how I’m like this, but I can’t stop. I was only going to touch him a little, maybe just frustrate him and back off. Take it slow. Promises for next time and all that shit. Ugh.

God, I’m so full of it.

His hands drifted down to the hem of my dress and what did I do? Shove my right leg between his and hook my left around his hips and grind on his jean-covered thigh. Right. That’s taking it slow. Yup. Of course, he took it as a sign to yank up my dress. Wasn’t like my hands pushing his dress shirt off his shoulders giving him any other choice. I shouldn’t have taken it so far. He would have stopped if I said so. He would have listened if I put up the red light.

Should have put up the damn red light.

Instead, I took off his clothes and he took off mine and I found myself halfway crawling up my own apartment wall with my legs on his shoulders and his mouth on my pussy with those big brown eyes staring up at me.

Jeez.

What am I doing?

I even had the gall to send him back home after fucking him on my own bed. Couldn’t even think about waking up next to him in the morning. That’s well and truly fucked, isn’t it?

The way he looked at me.

Don’t look at me like that.

Don’t look at this black hole with stars in your eyes, because all I’ll do is suck them into this darkness and kill them, leaving nothing left of you, and that’s unfair for someone like you.

It is.

And yet you walked me home today, asking if I was busy this weekend.

And, like an idiot, I said I wasn’t.

-

I wanted to write this down because I wanted to remember.

She said something to me as we sat on her bed, right before the first time. She had turned her bedside lamp on. One of those silicone touch ones in the shape of a round cat. The color it was set on – red. I remember because when she sat in my lap and stared into my eyes, the red shadows between us were so… sensual. Alluring. Erotic. I don’t know. There’s probably a sexier way to say it.

But anyway, she whispered against my lips and looked into my eyes.

“The stars in the sky are already dead.”

I remember being confused.

“The stars in the sky. The light you see from the stars is already dead by the time you see them.”

I think I remember reading that in a book. Or maybe in class when I was in high school or something. I was never good at astronomy. I should have asked you to pay more attention for me. Then she said…

“But the stars are in your eyes.”

I remember looking into her eyes and seeing mine reflected in them.

When she said that and when I saw myself in her eyes, I realized I felt something that I’ve never felt before. Her warm breath drifted over my lips, a weird feeling prickling all over my skin, her fingers caressing my cheeks, and, I knew, this was a moment.

From her to me, a moment.

“The light I see in you is right here, right now, and it is alive.”

No one has ever said anything like that to me.

Never.

I wanted to remember it, so I wrote it down here.

I wish I said something just as beautiful back to her, but I couldn’t think of anything then. I could have asked her to explore the stars. I could have said that the stars weren’t there until I looked at her. I could have said she’s the whole galaxy and I’m only a small cluster of stars in her vast galaxy.

But I didn’t.

I hope she could tell how happy I was just looking into her beautiful eyes.

-

I need to tell him the truth.

He’s sleeping in my bed and I need to tell him the truth but instead I’m writing to you because I’m too fucked up to say anything when I need to say something, because I’m sad and lonely and dead inside knowing that I failed you and I wasn’t better and I couldn’t be strong enough to make sure you were okay, because I am the worst, the worst, the worst.

It’s supposed to be spring.

It’s still so cold.

-

There’s something about her.

I don’t think you would like her, mostly because she knows who she is and because you don’t. You’re insecure and you look up to others to secure you and tell you where to go and what to do. It’s because you were afraid to live life, lest you do it wrong or imperfectly.

But.

There is no such thing as wrong or imperfect when it comes to life, is there?

I can feel it.

The way she keeps me as close as she can, but I look up and there’s still a shrouded sky with snow falling even though it’s supposed to be spring. We’re close and yet the sky remains dark, the clouds stay gray, and I can see my breath. Life is supposed to be growing. Instead, there’s soft white flakes floating down and it’s cold.

And yet.

It’s beautiful.

She’s beautiful to me.

I wish I knew a pretty way to tell her that, like how she said my eyes were full of stars.

---

The moment in life where everything changed was when you read those words.

You wished you could say that you didn't read them. That you were polite, kind, and respected his privacy. That you were fast asleep beside him in this bed of yours, a place where you had nightmares or, worse, hopeful dreams that shattered every morning as you were forced to face reality. Dreams where you felt fully and completely alive, only to wake up and realize it was all a lie. 

But, no.

You were awake. 

Sometimes being asleep was the true torture. 

You turned the page, going backwards in time. 

I wanted to write this down because I wanted to remember.

The little book had fallen out of his jacket. A plain black notebook with a leather-texture hardcover and scribbles in it. Pocket-sized. There was an elastic strap that was meant to go around the book and hold it shut, but it hadn't been put back on properly, causing the pages to fall open and land on where the ribbon bookmark had been placed.

You read the entry. 

He had nice handwriting. Clean. Neat. Thoughtful. Your original guess was that this notebook was for his work. Notes into his creativity, perhaps? He did video editing for a living, he said. Maybe it was a planner to organize his days. Or ideas for projects he wanted to pursue on his own. A brainstorming space.

You turned the page. 

Beside you, his body moved, restless. You wondered if he would wake up, but instead he threw an arm around your waist and continued sleeping, his breathing long and steady. 

You read the entry. 

Wow.

It was very short. 

This little book was none of the things you thought it was. It was something else, something you could scarcely even believe at first, something that made your heart stop, and that wasn't because those words were about you. 

It was because the entries were letters.

All of them. 

All letters, addressed to the same person, the same individual, over and over again. Some long, some short. Some vague nonsense, some intimately revealing. All for one person.

Not you.

No. 

You couldn't believe it.

It was so surreal that you read the addressee twice. Three times. Not because you thought it was strange or crazy. 

No.

Because you understood. 

To young Jeon Jungkook. 

Mechanically, you reached over to the side of your bed, the pocket between the mattress and bedframe, and pulled out a small, slightly squashed, black leather soft-cover notebook. Thinner and longer than his, but similar enough. 

You opened to the ribbon bookmark. 

To young me, I miss you.

You understood these letters all too well.

-

He was just a big kid, that Jeon Jungkook. Tattooed because people told him not to. Pierced because people told him not to. Not in the spotlight because people told him he totally had the face for it. No, no, Jeon Jungkook didn’t like all these people telling him he should do this or that. He wanted to do only what he wanted to do. Stubborn and defiant, sticking his spoon into his ice cream covered in too many toppings, maybe more garnishes than chocolate ice cream, having the cold sweet even on the cold night, all because he wanted to.

“What is it that you want to do?” you had asked him.

He shoved he spoon into his mouth and shrugged.

But you could see it in those big brown eyes. The uncertainty, the fear, the maybe despite my desire to be myself I’m just like everyone else, the maybe I will never know, the and if I don’t, am I stuck like the rest of them? The questions that came, and perhaps that was youth, that was becoming an adult, that was the beautiful blunders that became the formation of life.

You sipped your hot chocolate, the lingering taste of peppermint trapped in the liquid even though Christmas was long over. You had asked for it and the employee had given you a weird look.

“Upset stomach,” you lied. A flimsy explanation to make the weird look go away.

“Can I have a sip of your hot chocolate?” Jungkook now asked.

You handed it to him and he drank a bit, his face fluttering with comfort.

“You’re gonna ruin your digestion going from cold to hot like that,” you commented.

“Yeah, my mom always tells me that, but I’m still eating, right?”

He grinned, all mischief, silver ring at the edge, and underneath pink lips and white teeth he was blessed with a dot of dark perfect imperfection.

You held your hand out.

Jungkook was about to give your to-go cup back, but then he darted forward, placing a light kiss on the opening. Then he handed it back to you, still smiling.

You raised your eyebrows and continued sipping at the hot liquid.

He continued eating his ice cream, scooting closer to you on the public bench. You didn’t move away. It was cold at night, even now. Supposed to be spring already, a time for rain and sun and blooming flowers, but it was cold and biting, reminding everyone winter hadn’t yet gone away.

“When do you think a spring day will come?” Jungkook murmured between enormous bites of ice cream.

“I don’t know, but I know the weather forecasters will probably be wrong,” you answered dryly.

-

She said to his lips, “I missed you.”

It was so soft and so quiet that he almost didn’t hear it, but he felt the words being formed, her lips brushing against his and then the fervent press of forget what I said to his lips, her hands framing his jaw and up into his hair, long delicate fingers twisting into the strands. The ghost of sweetness between their tongues, a shared taste, and those words flowed into the thoughts that became one with his own, as if he himself said them, I missed you, because he did.

He did.

Jeon Jungkook couldn’t explain it, but he wished he could.

He reached up himself and mirrored her touch, across the jaw and up to the temple, his fingers in her hair, strands curling in his hold and he wished this moment was as permanent as the tattoos inked to skin, maybe not her if that wasn’t what she wanted, but at least this feeling. This feeling. Something he knew he couldn’t get again. Maybe that was because this was him now and this was her now, lips to lips and the fire between them, but he wished, he wished to keep this feeling in his memory, wished to make it last forever.

He wished, he wished he could tell young Jungkook, cherish it, all those days back then, don’t go chasing for what becoming an adult means, because it means being lost and sad and lonely.

But he couldn’t.

She tilted her head, traced his lips with her tongue, and Jungkook shuddered.

He wished, he wished he could say, please stay with me, please stay a little longer with me, I am not perfect but I swear there is something here, in your taste and in my heart, and, if I am your mistake, please let me stay your mistake a little longer, but they were such ugly words, such horrible words, and he couldn’t say it, no, because… what if he was right?

What if he truly was her mistake?

She took his jacket off, pulled up his turtleneck, and he pushed down her furry coat, slowly undoing the laces at the collar of her dress, exposing skin to his searching fingertips.

What started as recklessness continued to be recklessness. Perhaps it was his fault, believing in nothing, or it was really there, the something, kisses again, his jacket falling to the floor, a thunk and Jungkook vaguely registered the little black book falling out of his jacket again, but he paid it no mind, remembering she had found it but left it on top of his folded clothes, making breakfast as he slowly woke up, smelling eggs and fragrant oil.

He had glanced at his journal, the elastic over the front cover, resting on top of his folded clothes.

Jungkook thought he would feel panic, fear, embarrassment.

But then he realized he didn’t care.

He never had the perfect words, but the ones written in there were his honest ones. Ones of that moment, and if she read them, then she read his honest words and not some dressed-up version in some vain attempt to make himself better than he was.

He wondered if she did, but she simply greeted him like normal, chuckling at his messy hair and running her fingers through it, telling him to hurry and eat so he could get back to his place and change, otherwise his co-workers would think he’s dirty for wearing the same clothes over again.

So Jungkook let the notebook fall, knowing the elastic wasn’t all the way on, forgetting all about it to tangle himself in that touch, that skin, that scent. Exploring tongue following dancing fingers, and he could feel it sear across his skin, inexplicable but undeniable, like the feeling one got from looking up to a black sky and falling white snow, on the cusp of sad but it was just so beautiful, so beautiful, so he couldn’t bring himself to be sad.

She was a scriptwriter, she said.

Her specialty was dialogue.

But Jungkook found she spoke to him the loudest like this, in the form of trailing kisses and soft breath over his chest, kissing the mole on the right side of his ribcage, this silent dialogue so real and so raw that even even though he had no idea what they meant, he believed in them. Every spoken word had intent behind it, intentional or not, but this, this was pure on a different level, pure as her tongue drawing down the center of his abdomen, creating a wet line, half-lidded, sultry eyes peering up at him.

This was the present, without the weight of the past.

And the past weighed heavily on those that held onto it, I miss you, young him, at first oblivious everyone’s expectations, I miss you, young him, foolishly believing everyone had the best intentions for him, I miss you, young him, running and weighed down with expectations. Thinking that he was chained but that when he was adult he would have freedom, except he got older and he still felt chained, so did that mean he was still young or did that mean that he was now an adult and this was everyone’s fate?

Jungkook had these thoughts when he was alone, but not here.

Not here, not within the confines of hands fanning over his thighs, tongue to taut skin, in her eyes glittering in the low light. Like snow from a black sky, but he was comforted and then elated, radiating bliss mounting his senses, skillful tongue sliding down his length and his hands gripping the sheets, memorizing the lush quality of the fabric, memorizing the way his nerves seemed to shimmer and brim with so much pleasure that it was nearly unbearable. Every detail precious – the wet, the pressure, the depth, controlled tightness. Saliva dripping down his balls and then quickly lapped up, sending a spark up his spine, a strangely playful sensation he came to crave and it happened again, jarring and gratifying him, like hot chocolate between bites of ice cream, sweet on sweet.

Something out of nothing.

Black sky full of falling white flakes.

He should be afraid, he should be hesitating, he should be chained by the past, but he was free, free here in the moment of erotic high and in those eyes in the low light. Glittering amusement in those irises, something out of nothing, or something out of…

She crawled back up his body, her dress on the floor, and kissed him, salty, but to him it was sweet.

Something out of something?

Maybe.

-

How long will you punish yourself for something you didn’t do?

Sometimes you thought about writing down that question, but it was too honest and your pen would pause every time, poised to make the strokes, and you didn’t. It was too honest. You kept thinking, I’m not ready, but that was an excuse just like any other, as if you would ever be ready, as if you would ever know, all this time chasing for that one you should have loved when it counted, but you didn’t. You didn’t, and now you were sorry.

Sorry.

So pointless to be sorry, the maybe if I, the it could have been better if I, the if only I just, who cares, who cares, who cares. This kind of thinking was just as much a broken home as it was back then, these thoughts like closed shutters to keep out the light, forever in winter because you never dared to look out and find summer. A prison of the past you built to hold in the fragile young you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, tried to embellish the past and make it as pretty as it was tragic, all to try and erase the fact that you were holding onto nothing.

In this decrepit broken home of your thoughts, apologizing to the past. Writing letters to the one that always ran from, to the one you hated for making you into what you were now, to the one that never tried to appreciate what little good there was because it was always easier to believe everything was bad. Easier to think that, when you were an adult, you could make it all go away.

But it just wasn’t true.

I’m sorry, young me.

The sky was still black and the snow still fell and the spring day never came.

I don’t really think I’m an adult, but I do miss you and I do think about back then.

He was just a big kid, that Jeon Jungkook.

You closed your eyes and inhaled, the soft, clean scent mixed with sex, slipping into the sensation of being filled, easy after his fingers and the lingering buzz of his kiss. A heavy weight, and you should have felt crushed, suffocated, caged, but you were so used to the broken home of your thoughts that this felt like freedom, like a hopeful dream that couldn’t be broken by reality.

Because you opened your eyes and there was Jeon Jungkook.

His teeth were sunk into his lower lip, and he was struggling not to be overwhelmed. The mole underneath bobbing uneasily, silver lip ring quivering, and you clenched around his hard cock, making him flinch and frown at you, his eyes connecting with yours.

His eyes glittering in the low light. Stars. And the ones in the sky were dead, but these were lit by the fire within, lit by a past determined to feel the present even more, and your lips parted to take a breath.

There was none to be taken.

Jungkook breathed out your name.

If the sky was black and too covered with gray clouds of falling snowflakes, well, then maybe the stars could be right beside you.

You whispered his name in the dark.

It was like he was catching snowflakes on his cheeks, his expression melting with your reply, his face flushing pink, and you gripped your thighs, lifting them up. He got the hint, moving his arms and then your legs were on his shoulders. Slow. You smacked your hips up to deepen his thrust, earning another frown and furrowed brow, greeting it with your smile.

This should make you feel fake. This should make you feel wrong, like you were using him to distract from something bigger, but somehow it didn’t, and that was so strange, because you were pretty sure that was what this was, right, but then his words came back to you, I miss you, written in those tight scribbles, I hope she could tell how happy I was just looking into her beautiful eyes, and you looked into his eyes now, shortened breath, shivering from pleasure, racing heartbeat leaping to your throat and Jungkook noticed your gaze, shaking his head like a dog to brush the black hair out of his eyes so he could look back, his shaking exhale matching yours, warmth drifting between you and him.

And it was true.

You were afraid to leave the broken home of your thoughts, because what if it was worse out there?

He searched your eyes.

You let him, not knowing what he was searching for.

He lowered slightly, changing the angle. Deeper, his dark brown irises catching the light, glittering, alive stars, these not light-years away, but right there, right there, and you reached out to touch, your fingertips ghosting his cheek and jaw, his low moan cutting through the haze of the high, your hand reaching back and clutching his hair, tugging lightly. His eyes closing, lashes fluttering, harder, faster, your hips rising, tighter, more resistance, increased depth and intensity, Jungkook, his name leaving your lips again and he shuddered, spellbound by your voice, his tongue flicking against the top half of his lower lip, struggling to open his eyes again but the weight of lust kept them half-lidded, so close, fluttering breath, almost, holding him back with another tug of his hair, letting your tongue trace the inside of your open lips.

There.

It ate you up so fast, so fast, a whirlwind of compounded sensation and sparks shooting down to your core and vicious throbs sinking into your hips, gasping as you came around his jerking cock, ecstasy unbound, his own moan in an arc, his head tipped back to the ceiling, your hand still in his hair, him burying deep into constricting wet warmth and succumbing to it, his shivers traveling from his chest to your thighs, and you felt your eyes closing, lost in the reality and being okay with it.

I miss you.

For once, these words were not directed at your past self.

You drew a breath, your hand in his hot, sweaty hair, and you missed Jungkook already even though he wasn’t gone.

-

“I read it.”

You admitted it plainly, clearly.

His little black book between you two, you wrapped in a blanket and him wrapped in another, staring down at it.

Jungkook nodded slowly.

“Okay.”

It sounded defeatist.

“You think I’m a weirdo, huh?” he mumbled softly, pulling the blanket around him tighter.

You reached to the side of the bed, in between the mattress and the bedframe and smacked down your own black, leather-bound notebook.

“That makes two of us.”

His eyes widened, and he stared down at it as you pushed it to him, your hand on top of it, determined, because it was time. You spent enough time being a coward. No more, firmly pinning your notebook in front of Jeon Jungkook, I fill my days with the way it was, and I fill my nights with broken dreams, and if this was it, if you were the broken dream, then he deserved to know how broken, he derserved your honesty, and you thought you would be afraid, and yet…

Jungkook lifted his head and stared at you.

You weren’t.

He shook his head.

“Not today.”

You blinked at him.

He looked back down at your notebook and the blanket opened, his larger, tattooed hand reaching out, placing his hand over yours. A weight but somehow not heavy.

“I will read it if you want me to read it,” he said, and he lifted his head, breathing out slowly, holding your hand tighter, and you could see he was waiting for you to run, waiting for you melt and disappear into nothing. As if he was trying to grasp a snowflake. “But… I don’t want you to think you have to show me just because you read mine.” He smiled, rueful and sheepish. “Actually, I wanted you to read my journal. I hoped you would, so I kept leaving it open and letting it fall out. I was too nervous to… I kept trying to think of the right words to…” He shook his head rapidly, lost even now. “But they sounded insincere. I like you so much and if only I was enough…”

You laughed dryly and Jungkook looked up, confused.

“That’s why you should read my musings,” you countered. “Because we are one and the same, Jeon Jungkook.”

You lifted your hand and took your notebook, placing it into his lap, closing his hand over it.

“Both held down by an idea in the past, because that’s all it is, you know,” you shivered, keeping his hand over the soft leather cover. “I thought, if only, if only, if only, if I changed this or that, if I tried a little harder, if I hadn’t been so focused on becoming an adult, if I loved myself a little more, then maybe young me wouldn’t have been so miserable, maybe young me wouldn’t have let so many people walk over her, maybe the me of now wouldn’t be stuck and haunted by what it was, so I could…”

You suddenly realized you were staring into his eyes, running your mouth.

Stars.

Not light-years away.

Right here.

Be honest.

“I let her get hurt, no, I hurt my younger self on purpose, because I wasn’t brave enough to believe I had a future.”

The stars looked back, and they burned bright.

“I let everyone else decide my life and when I realized I no longer had control of my future, I ran away and became a nobody,” he breathed, and you could hear the guilt, the weight of having let them all down. “I was too scared to speak up for myself, because I couldn’t trust my own dedication when everyone else had always so confidently made choices for me.” His tone stricken, torn between the possibility of him being ungrateful or worse, selfish. “I pretended like it wasn’t happening and continued acting like a kid without responsibilities until it all fell apart and I had to choose.”

It was almost shameful, saying it out loud.

“I sometimes miss who I was back then,” you mumbled, distorted, feeling weak for saying so. “Even if it was the worst… I was a kid, and I could forgive myself for not knowing who I was, but now I’m an adult and I still don’t know.”

You looked up and Jungkook was looking back. It was like two lights meeting in the darkness. No. It was like...

-

Like snow falling from a black sky.

Jungkook gazed into her eyes and the spring day was already here.

The rare snow in spring, right here, in front of his eyes and holding his hand, and he realized that didn’t mean that winter clung on. This was something new, something unique, something he would regret to forget, so he turned his hand around and held hers, her book pressed to his thigh.

“I used to think I wanted to go back to the way it was,” he said softly. “But I don’t want to. Not anymore.”

Her expression softened.

“Why?”

So small but with so much emotion behind the simple question. An intricate snowflake tumbling down, down.

“I wouldn’t have met you.”

He grinned, and he knew for sure now, that he believed in this.

“Life is so much more fun with you in it.”

He moved the books aside, the past in the past, and closed the distance between them, blanket to blanket, wrapping his around hers, insistently nudging her into his lap, and she resisted, albeit weakly, since it seemed that she couldn’t quite look him in the face, tucking her head under his chin, saying nothing.

But then her lips brushed against his skin, right by his collarbone.

“Don’t make me miss you,” she whispered.

He didn’t have to think twice, kissing the top of her head.

“I won’t.”

--

masterpost

#jungkook x reader #bts smut #jungkook smut #jungkook x you #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x you

[noteguk]

bad attitude | jjk | m

[ ! ] this is part of the bad influence collection. You can read it as a stand-alone though! 

— summary; in which Jungkook finally learns how to behave. Kind of. 

— contents and warnings; pwp, smut, badboy!jk x goodgirl!reader, enemies with benefits/enemies to lovers, brattysub!kook x dom!reader, actually more of a switch!kook/switch!reader, the oc is kind of a demon with teasing because payback is a bitch, bondage, edging, dirty talk, begging, oral (m receiving), female masturbation, cockwarming, unprotected sex (don’t be dumb), creampie, stuffing, Taehyung makes a cameo, terrible use of the two wolves meme I’m so sorry 

— words; 7,2k 

— author’s note; yes I started this with a meme and no I’m not okay. This is kind of chaotic tbh but I wanted to write something a bit more unhinged and lighthearted after all that drama from the third part of the series. This happens some time after bad reputation. 

Also! Take a look at the text messages that brought them to this moment ;) 

Probably one of the dumbest things that Jungkook had ever heard came from his roommate and childhood friend, Taehyung, after a few hours scrolling through Facebook with a blunt hanging from the corner of his lips. Taehyung was in the deep web equivalent of social media: entrepreneur pages, where young, overly-dressed men with obviously rented convertibles promised to teach gullible people how to become millionaires by working at home (if you only pay for their courses). Nevertheless, what started as an ironic scroll through shallow motivational quotes quickly escalated into a semi-believable, mostly high rant about the importance of controlling your inner demons, which Jungkook sadly had to endure, since he was the only person around and, therefore, his roommate's sole target. 

Taehyung was high out of his mind, but it seemed as if he would be the last to get that memo: in his twisted conception, he was spilling the hottest of truths (and not the incoherent ramble that it really was). Fighting through Jungkook’s complaints and eye rolls, he simply went on and on about how the page “Alpha Billionaire 101” wasn’t really that off beat when they said that you do, in fact, have two wolves inside you — and the one you feed is the one that wins. Jungkook was basically disassociating by the point that Taehyung started drawing some graphs, looking fixedly at the two wolves on the screen of his computer (one written “success and drive” and the other one representing “failure and procrastination”) and wishing that the gods above would strike him down once and for all. 

And why is that important? Well, because eventually Taehyung fell asleep and moved on with his life, only casually mentioning the other stuff he saw on that page, but his words stuck around, glued to the back of Jungkook’s head. Not because they held any sort of meaning, but because the wolf metaphor was just too stupid to forget. And that eventually caught up to Jungkook in the strangest, most unexpected of ways: with you and bondage being involved. 

Now, Jungkook had two wolves inside of him: one was extremely laid back and barely cared about most things that happened, as long as he was having a good time. The second wolf was a bitter, prideful, egocentric, mean little thing that simply wouldn’t fold no matter how much the world wanted it to. And it was that second wolf that took him to that position: because Jungkook told you that he was positive, certain, a hundred percent sure that he’d never be like you and beg for something during sex. 

Which made both of your wolves absolutely pissed. 

“What the fuck…” he mumbled, looking up at your agile hands moving like wasps around his wrists. The room was dark, barely illuminated by the moonlight that came from the window, but that wasn’t really the reason why his pupils were so blown-out. “Where did you learn to tie knots like this?” 

You smiled, giving a last pull on the ropes to make sure they would stay still. Jungkook had been elated when you finally told him that you’d be willing to try it out bondage. One thing he didn’t expect, though, was that he would be the one getting tied up. “I was in the Girl Scouts,” you told him, sitting back against his thighs. 

Jungkook scoffed, tugging at the ropes. They weren’t too tight, yet they burned his skin a bit — not an unwelcome feeling, but his mind wasn’t too focused on it. He had to live up to his own words. “Of course you were in the fucking Girl Scouts.” He rolled his eyes. “So, how long is this gonna take?”

His gaze followed as your hands unclasped your bra. Jungkook, who had already been stripped down to his boxers, could barely disguise the twitching of his eyebrows when your breasts finally came into view. The bra collapsed somewhere on the floor. “Depends on how long it takes for you to say it,” you reminded him. 

Jungkook shifted around, gaze following the rise and fall of your chest. His hands struggled against the ropes, aching to touch your breasts, and you could notice the frustration blossoming at the back of his throat when he spoke up. “I’m not gonna say it.” 

With a pout, you leaned back in, placing your hands on his broad chest for leverage. “Then it’s probably going to take a long time.” You blinked up at him, and there was a devilish glint in your eyes that he didn’t remember seeing before. He was doomed. “Comfortable?”

“Not at all,” he complained. 

The smile you gifted him made his knees weak for a second. “Perfect.” Your hands traveled to the back of his neck, fingers playing with his hair and eyes zeroing in on his mouth. “Now, be good and kiss me like you mean it, okay?” 

Be good? 

Jungkook didn’t get any time to digest your words before your mouth was pressing against his, enveloping him in your warmth — and suddenly he didn’t want to think about anything else. How could he? When you had your hands caressing his neck, with a soft sigh against his lips, there was nothing else in the world that could rob his attention. 

In the end, past his brooding, unshakable persona, Jungkook was still a weak man when it came to you, he really was. It had become a natural, well-rehearsed reaction of his to explore your mouth with his tongue at every chance that he got; your lips slapping together as he groaned against you. The skin of his wrists was tingling, pressing hard against the ropes that held his hands back from exploring your body; from pulling you closer like he wanted to. Instead, he was at your mercy, following your own pace as you leaned your head to the side, fingers tugging on his hair as you sighed happily into the kiss. 

It was exactly the way he liked: sensual, slow, messy; made his head spin when you rolled your clothed center on his erection before sucking on his tongue. Jungkook was sure that you were doing all that on purpose, riling him up as much as possible before finally touching him where he needed so much, and that was definitely going to be a problem. 

In the back of his head, Jungkook was currently trying to decide if he hated Taehyung or not: the fact that his roommate had compulsively chosen to attend a party three hours away was the reason that you were there, kissing him like he was the air that you breathed, but also the reason why Jungkook had gotten tied up in the first place. If he had had a bit more time between texting you that he would never beg in sex (a very dumb, very unthought action), and the moment that you actually tried to make it happen, perhaps he would be able to convince you to step down from it. Perhaps he would realize that his prideful side was also really, really fucking stupid when it came to predicting his own limits. 

Truth was: Jungkook was pretty much panicking when you moaned against his lips, because his cock was unbearably hard inside his underwear and he just knew that he would fold after some time. Especially when you were acting like that, like a demon trying to seduce him into selling his soul; a siren about to drag him to the abyssal depths of the ocean. He could barely follow what was happening. 

Because of his dominating tendencies, Jungkook had never seen you showing your typical neurotic, controlling self during your sexual adventures — which was something he endlessly teased you for, but never thought it would actually have any sort of backlash. It seemed that both of you liked the usual dynamic (of Jungkook taking over) well enough and, yet, as he watched that sadistic expression monopolizing your features, he realized that maybe it was for the best. Maybe you had been training your whole life to perfect the masterful art of having things happening the way you wanted it, and maybe giving you the lead was one of the worst decisions he had made in some time. 

As you pulled away, Jungkook chased after your mouth, managing to place another small kiss on your lips before the ropes held him back. “More,” he groaned. 

The curve of your mouth was a wicked little thing, almost making him lose his composure for a second. “No, no more,” you were firm in your words. “Be patient.” 

He huffed. “You only got an attitude because my hands are tied up.”

“I always have an attitude,” you were fast to correct, getting out of his lap. The lack of your warmth was instantly felt, made his chest heave in frustration as you sat down next to him. There was an embarrassingly large wet spot on his underwear that he was hoping you wouldn’t notice. “But, yeah, maybe I’m a little braver because of it.” Before he could muster up a response, one of your hands traveled between his thighs, faintly tracing its way up his skin. “And what are you going to do about it?” 

Jungkook clenched his jaw — it was embarrassing how sensitive he was, goosebumps spreading through his legs. “Don’t tease."

“Or what?” A squeeze of his bulge was everything you need to make him shut up, his hips buckling up to meet your palm. Jungkook was hard and leaking, pulsating as you gave him a few, half-assed pumps through his underwear. A few seconds were more than enough to let him have his fun, it seemed, because you were soon removing your hand from his erection. “Now, stay still unless you want me to tie your feet too.” 

He hissed at the lack of contact, but refused to complain about it out loud. You smiled at his reaction: Jungkook was so stubborn when it came to things like that, would never show you his weak, needy side so easily. But you were patient and, from what you had been told, you had all night to get your way. 

Call it revenge, call it whatever: there was nothing that you wanted more than to see Jungkook bite back his own words and beg for you. It was an ego thing, perhaps, the mission to leave him just as overwhelmed and desperate as he had made you so many times in the past. Maybe you were a bit mean about it. But it was well deserved. 

You took your time pulling one of his legs towards you, watching as his cock throbbed when you placed your body between his thighs. Jungkook could only think about how soft your mouth felt as you kissed up his thigh before, at last, you were nuzzling your face against his erection, placing kisses on his clothed member as your thumb pressed down on his sensitive tip. His breath grew irregular at the feeling, his tongue poking out to wet his lips as you looked up at him with that demonic smirk of yours, those big doe eyes that wiped his thoughts clean. Jungkook was absolutely fucked. 

Luckily, he didn’t have to urge you further because, soon enough, you were pulling his underwear down, making it join your bra on his bedroom floor. Jungkook could’ve cried when you rolled your thumb over his crown, spreading his precum all over him, a delighted hum dripping past your throat. “You’re leaking,” you commented, eyes following the glistening of his reddened tip. He could only muster a raggedy, short sigh before you were talking again. “I can clean you up, don’t worry.” 

Jungkook moaned out when you wrapped your lips around his cock, not hesitating much before you sank down on him. His head fell back when you started sucking, your cheeks hollowing out and tongue pressed flat against him. “God, your mouth feels so fucking perfect.” His hips thrusted up, but you had enough of a reflex to pull away before he managed to hit the back of your throat. “Take it deeper, baby, do it for me.”

But you did the opposite, removing him from your mouth. You glanced up at him with a disinterested look plastered all over your face, lips glossy with a beautiful mixture of your saliva and his wetness. Jungkook made a mental note to never forget that sight. “I don’t know if you understand what’s going on here, Jungkook.” You wrapped one hand around his cock, pumping it twice. It felt good, but nothing compared to your mouth. “But it’s really not your place to tell me what to do right now. That’s not how it works.” 

“Yeah?” He chuckled, eyebrows raised in a silent dare. “And what are you going to do about it?” 

Poor decisions: Jungkook’s week was filled with poor decisions. Blame that unshakable arrogant side of his, blame his terribly constructed defense mechanisms; blame whatever it was that didn’t allow him to think clearly when you were so beautifully placed between his legs, but it seemed that he really thought it would be a good call to provoke you when you were already 1) deadset on making him embarrass himself 2) probably the best Girl Scout to ever tie a knot in history. 

Jungkook was completely helpless: he knew that, you knew that. So the reason why he mocked you in such a position would forever be another mystery that science could never answer. 

And the payback arrived soon enough. Jungkook only earned a few seconds of relaxation, staring at your impassive face, before your mouth was sinking back down around his member. 

If Jungkook thought that you were teasing him before, now you were sucking him like you wanted him to cum in two seconds — hands pumping his length, playing with his balls, tip hitting your throat, tongue dragging against his slit: the four horsemen of your apocalyptic blowjob technique that got him seeing stars in no time. “Fuck, that’s my girl,” he moaned. He was sure his wrists would be all red in the following morning from the way he was mindlessly moving his arms around, his mind just so hyper-focused on the need to touch you, to pull your hair when you were wrapping around his cock so well. “Feels so fucking perfect.” 

Then, as he was just about to tip over, you pulled away. 

“No, what the fuck,” Jungkook’s eyes snapped open, still unfocused and glazed-over. His body flinched at the interruption of his pleasure, and his cock throbbing against his pelvis, angry for attention. “Fuck, why did you stop?”

“That’s what I’m going to do about it.” You smiled, and Jungkook noticed that he was really playing a very dangerous game. In a span of two seconds, he asked himself if he was that mean to you, realized that he probably was, and came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t change anything about it. “Are you going to behave now, Jungkook?” 

He groaned, fighting against the frustrated waves that overtook his body. His orgasm, before so close, had now been washed away, leaving him with a pulsating feeling inside his guts. “You’re pissing me off.”

“Likewise.” You tilted your head to the side, placing one hand on his thigh. “Now, stay still and do what I tell you to do. That’s the last time I’m asking.” 

He frowned. “Or what?”

You blinked, pausing for a second. “Isn’t it obvious? Or I’m leaving you like this.” 

Jungkook’s brain finally seemed to comprehend the fact that, sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut. So, instead of saying something, he simply watched as you removed your underwear before sitting between his legs, your thighs over his. 

Because you absolutely hated him, you had opened your legs wide, pussy on full display, as you used one hand to lean back against the mattress. His eyes almost jumped out of their sockets when you used two fingers to spread your folds apart. “Look,” you said, your breathy voice making something inside his chest switch. “I’m so wet.” 

And wet you were. Jungkook exhaled, nostrils flaring. His mouth salivated at the thought of licking you clean, fingers growing white around the ropes. He never hated an object so hard in his life. “I can… I can see that.” 

You giggled at the grogginess of his tone, dove into the satisfaction that came from his focused eyes on your soaked folds. A gentle suspire left you as your digits slipped up, covering your clit with your arousal before pressing down on it. You were acting up a bit, whining loudly at the feeling because you knew that it drove him crazy to hear you make sounds for him. “Jungkook…” you trailed off. You had to bite back a laugh when his stare snapped up at you, looking so overwhelmingly horny and pissed off at the same time — the duality of men. “Want to have you inside me.” 

He exhaled heavily. “Do it,” he said and you allowed him to think that it was his order (and not your decision) that made you move. 

Jungkook’s pupils were blown out in sheer desire, wanting to absorb every light that bounced off your soft skin when you lined yourself with his cock, covering his tip with your warm wetness, allowing it to rub between your folds. By the time that you sat down on him, he was dangerously close to cracking. 

“Oh fuck.” His hips thrusted up, wanting to feel more of your tight walls around him. It was heaven and hell, just the way he loved it, but his delight wouldn’t last long. “Fuck, baby, that feels so good.”

“It does,” you agreed, but there was a teasing inflection in your tone that he did not miss. Soon, your fingers were back where they were before, circling your clit. “And I happen to know how to make it even better. For myself, at least.” 

It took him a few moments to understand what was going on, but, once it clicked inside his head, he could’ve cried from frustration. “What are you doing?”

“Getting myself off.” You smiled — oh you were such a fucking demon, he thought, a trickster spirit that wouldn’t rest until he was begging you to let him cum. Worst part? He might as well do it. “You don’t mind, do you? I know you love to keep your cock inside me like this.” 

They say that revenge is sweet and, as you saw the flash of desperation that crossed Jungkook’s face, you couldn’t agree more. “Aren’t… aren’t you going to move?” He tried. 

You could tell that he was holding back from just thrusting up inside you, which was equally satisfying and arousing: maybe, just maybe, he was starting to learn one thing or two about following your orders. “Hmmm… not at all.” You smirked, a tiny gasp leaving your lips as you circled your sensitive spot just the right way. Jungkook followed the movement of your lips as if they were writing the secrets of the universe. “Not if you keep that attitude up.” 

He frowned, the corners of his mouth twitching in frustration. From your peripheral vision, you could see his wrists vaguely struggling against your knots — humbly speaking, you were a great Girl Scout, the typical overachiever, and you were positive that they would hold up. 

“You’re going to regret this later,” Jungkook warned, but his words didn’t even have the chance to affect you. One clenching of your walls around him was all that it took for his head to roll back, a deep grunt dripping from his mouth at the sensation. It was just enough to keep him dangling over the edge, but not even close to making him cum. “Your pussy is so fucking tight, baby. Feels so fucking good.”

“I’m almost there, that’s why.” Your other hand slithered up your waist, cupping one of your breasts. Being a bit more theatrical than necessary (because you wanted to provoke him as much as you could), you gasped out his name as you rolled one nipple between your fingers, arching your back at the sensation. You swore you saw Jungkook’s eye twitch. “Gonna cum just like this. And you’re gonna be good and watch me.” 

Again with that be good bullshit, again not giving him enough time to process it before you were timidly rolling your hips. “Baby,” he gasped. “This isn’t fair.” 

“It isn’t,” you agreed, slightly breathless, your hand moving to play with your other breast. Jungkook followed the action like every part of you was magnetic, calling for his attention. “You do that to me all the time, though.” 

He frowned. “But I let you fucking touch me.” 

“How nice of you,” you sarcastically remarked. Another small roll of your hips made you gasp, fingers working faster around your clit. Teasing Jungkook got you shamefully turned on, it seemed, because you were just about to tip over the edge. “Fuck, feels so good.” 

“It would feel so much better if you just— God, you’re so fucking wet,” his mind was barely functioning at that point, the heavenly feeling of your walls clenching around him was making him go insane. “Just ride my cock, baby.” 

“No,” that simple word was like an arrow, shooting all his hopes down. Jungkook closed his eyes and threw his head back, trying to fight against the claustrophobic nature of his position. There was no way he could hold himself back, he thought, he would beg you as many times as he needed it that was what it took for him to finally cum. “I’m close, Kook.” 

That whimpery, needy tone of yours would be the death of him one of those days. “I can fucking feel it,” he cursed. Jungkook just wanted to thrust inside your dripping pussy, make you cream his cock like you were made for it, but he knew that you would just stop everything again if he did so, and he seriously didn’t think he could take that. “S-Shit, baby, you don’t know what you’re doing to me.” 

But you had a good idea of how you were affecting him. Through parted lids, you watched as his face contorted in pleasure when you squeezed particularly tightly around him; a muffled sob perishing on his throat when you vaguely raised your hips. Jungkook was filling you up so perfectly, like he always did, and it was that amazing stretch of his cock inside you, combined with the clear hunger that covered his features, that pulled your climax towards you. 

The orgasm that washed over you was abrupt, overbearing, just blinding enough so you didn’t notice the weak little moans that Jungkook let out at the throbbing of your walls around his aching length. You tried to prolong it for as long as possible, rubbing yourself, crying out his name for theatrical reasons, but eventually sensitivity got the best of you and you stopped. 

What you found when you did, however, was a glorious sight. Jungkook was a perfect picture of lust and desperation, his chest rising and falling rapidly and eyes locked on where your two bodies joined. There was a thin coat of sweat all over his skin, the small sound of the  ropes pulling on the headboard. When he noticed you were staring, he found your gaze. “I- I stood still,” he said. 

“I know, you did so good.” You placed one hand on his cheek, leveling your face with his so you could kiss him. Jungkook melted under your touch, a deep sigh leaving his mouth as you pulled away, his cock still deep inside you. “I’m proud of you.” 

As if something had magically changed, Jungkook tried to fight against his immobilized hands, only to find out that he was still unable to free himself. “Wanna touch you so bad, baby. You look so fucking hot sitting on my cock like this.” Jungkook was spoiled, you realized, because it didn’t take him two seconds of good behavior to revert back to what he wanted to happen. It was a terrible habit, you realized, one that you probably helped enable. “Fuck, just let me cum, baby. Take these off and I’ll fuck you just the way you like it.” 

And maybe if you weren’t so high up in your power rush, you would’ve at least considered his offer. However, having Jungkook turned into a pliant mess beneath you was worth more than anything else at that moment. “I’ll think about it if you say the magic word.”

He frowned, his charm melting away. Jungkook was so adamant on having it his way that it bordered on a joke. “Not gonna do it.” 

You kissed him once again before speaking up. “Then we don’t have a deal.” You shook your head, moving away from him. Jungkook searched after your mouth, but your stupid Girl Scouts knots didn’t allow him to go much further. He collapsed back against the headboard with a frustrated groan. “You’re a terrible sub.”

“Maybe because I’m not a fucking sub— Shit.” All his thoughts were wiped clean when you slowly raised your hips, only leaving his engorged tip inside, before, finally, sitting back down. The drag of your velvety walls against his sensitive cock was driving Jungkook up the wall, his tied-up wrists mindlessly knocking against each other. “Fuck. I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.” You pouted, repeating the movement. You watched as his jaw clenched, a sharp exhale leaving his nostrils as Jungkook both fought against and searched for his pleasure. “Sure you don’t wanna say it?” 

A deliciously slow roll of your hips got him gasping out. “I’m not gonna — fuck — not gonna say it.” 

You leaned your head to the side, stopping your movements. Jungkook’s abdomen was caving in with every small brush of your pussy around him, the illumination from the streets making the drops of sweat on his skin look like small diamonds. It was an erotic sight, from the falling of his dark hair over his hooded eyes, to the beautiful inked drawings on his arms. Unfortunately, you had other things to do other than to admire him endlessly. 

With a sigh, you got up from his lap. “Too bad.”

“Baby,” Jungkook whined — actually whined —  when he felt his cock slip out of your perfect heat, collapsing against his abdomen. The sensation got him flinching, made him bite his lip for a second in an attempt to compose himself. “Baby, don’t leave me like this, come on.”

You frowned, faking annoyance. “How can I not leave you like this, Jungkook?” Your palms slithered around his shoulders, pulling your body closer to his. “You’re being horrible right now.” 

“S-Sorry.” His breath caught in his throat when your mouth met the skin of his neck, tongue prodding out to lick a small trail up his skin. Your heat was unbearable, suffocating him and drowning out his thoughts to the point that he had really apologized for his poor demeanor. If your predictions were correct, it wouldn’t take long before he folded the way you wanted him to. “Just, come on, you can’t just— I’m just so hard right now.” 

You giggled, fingertips moving down on his chest until you found what you were looking for. “Aw. Poor thing,” you teased, feeling as he grew stiff when you started to play with his nipples. A few weeks back, you had made the wonderful and unexpected discovery that Jungkook was really sensitive there, but you never really had a chance to explore that side of him before he flipped you over and had you his way. But the universe always searched for balance, and that moment was the karmic payback you were looking for. “What’s the problem, Kook?” 

“Wanna cum.” He winced away from your faint caresses, but he really didn’t have anywhere else to go. A smirk curled up on your lips as you watched Jungkook fight against the knots, a frail, airy moan leaving his chest as you rolled his nipples between your fingers. He sounded so perfect: so needy and desperate that you could feel another gush of arousal accumulating between your folds. “Just wanna cum so bad, baby.” 

“I’m not gonna be mean and hold it off,” you told him, moving back so you could place a kiss against his pouty, swollen lips. Jungkook looked so beautifully messy, so on edge, that you almost cried out at the sight of it. “You just have to say it,” you told him, lowering your hips until you were straddling his cock. 

With a roll of your pussy against him, his cock brushed between your wet folds, tearing a broken sob from his throat. “Fuck,” Jungkook cursed. He was never in a position like that: edged for so long that he couldn’t even control the grunts that left his throat. “You’re so fucking evil.”

“You love it.” Another grind of your pussy had him throwing his head back, a loud moan ripping itself from his heaving chest. Jungkook was sensitive, responsive to the tiniest of your touches and, most of all: he was desperate, seconds away from cracking. “You know, if you say it, I’ll let you cum.” 

His cock throbbed against you when you finally stopped your movements, raising your hips so your center moved away from his. Jungkook complained at the lack of sensation, practically on the limit of throwing a tantrum, and his pelvis mindlessly buckling up in search of your warmth. Instead, he found nothing, and his member simply collapsed back against his abdomen, aching for its release. 

“This— This is torture,” he groaned. You giggled at his distress, taking one hand to brush away the sweaty hair from his forehead. Jungkook leaned into your touch. “Please, baby, just fuck me.”

Your ears perked up at that, a pool of arousal starting to grow between your legs. That sounded even better than you had predicted. “Sorry, what was that?” You teased. 

Jungkook closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. “Don’t make me say it again.” 

Slowly, you lowered your hips again, pressing your pussy against his cock. Jungkook reacted instantly, taking in a sharp inhale. “Didn’t hear you,” you said. 

“God, baby, just fuck me, please,” he finally broke down, his dazed-out gaze seemed to have some trouble focusing on your face. Desperation was plastered all over him, staring at you like a beautiful, shimmering trophy. “Please, just let me cum. Please.” 

You hummed, leaning away so you could sit on his thighs, facing his erection. You were a woman of your word: you said you wouldn’t hold it back, and you wouldn’t. “Since you asked so nicely…” you trailed off, one hand wrapping around his base, pumping him a few times. Jungkook throbbed in your hands, his abdomen sinking as your thumb grazed his sensitive crown. “Where do you wanna cum?” 

It looked like you had truly broken the poor boy down because, for the first time in his life, Jungkook didn’t have any idea on how to answer that question. “I- I don’t know,” he struggled to speak when your hand was still caressing his member: just enough for him to feel something, but too slow and light for him to actually cum. “Anywhere. Just wanna cum.” 

You pouted, letting his cock go. It bounced on his pelvis, tore a painful cry from his throat as he felt his pleasure wash away once again. “I need an answer, Kook.” 

And he said the first thing that came into his mind. “Your pussy, baby, please.” 

A smile tugged on your lips — it seemed as if that word wasn’t so hard to say anymore. “Of course, you’ve been so good.” You moved around until you were sinking down on him, feeling that fantastic stretch all over again, and earning a shaky moan from his part. You only spoke up again after you were sure he couldn’t go any deeper. “Kook?” You called. His pleading eyes shot up at you. “Wanna fuck me?” 

He breathed out, just a tremulous gush of air that he could barely get ahold of. “Y-Yes, yes, please.” 

You hummed, wiggling your ass around just so you could watch his face contort in despair, crumbling under the delicious drag of your plump walls around his cock. Jungkook almost looked cute, you dared to think, even if you were sure he would fold you in half the second that he got those ropes off. It was like teasing a tiger in a zoo: people only felt brave enough to do it because there was a thick glass between them. “You better do it, then,” you told him. 

After everything you had put him through, Jungkook seemed almost hesitant to do so. “C-Can I move?” He asked, just to be sure. Last thing he needed was to do something wrong and have you walking out on him. His cock was so hard, leaking inside you, and he didn’t believe that he could handle being left like that. 

“Of course,” you told him, the tenderness of your voice so different from what you sounded like all night. Jungkook was still on the palm of your hand, but your victory when it came to making him beg had already been achieved. So you could relax and let him do the heavy lifting for once. Being active was exhausting sometimes. “Come on, Kook,” you egged him on, leaning forward so you could find support on his chest. You knew what was coming. “Fuck me.” 

That seemed to be the last spark he needed to ignite his fire because, soon enough, he was placing both feet on the mattress and thrusting upwards, your body collapsing forward under the force of his movements. Jungkook barely gave you any time to breathe: he fucked you fast and deep, helped by the gravity of your weight above him; shallow breaths and noisy whines leaving his mouth in a beautiful cacophony of sounds. It wasn’t long before he was making you bounce on his cock, pretty moans melting upon your lips as you fought to keep your balance over him. 

“B-Baby,” Jungkook stammered, an airy, high-pitched moan sounding from his parted mouth. His brain was utterly bewildered by the movement of your body above his own, the bouncing of your breasts and the wild fluttering of your eyelashes. And those moans, those gorgeous, ethereal little sounds that you reserved just for him. “S-So perfect. All mine.” 

“All yours,” you said promptly, struggling to meet his gaze. No matter how much you tried, you could not follow the speed of his thrusts, so you simply kept your body in place as he used it as he pleased. “Is this what you wanted?” 

He nodded, mouth falling open. His lips were pouty and swollen, slightly red from the way he had bitten them before. “Wanna cum,” he breathed out, “inside you.” 

No pretty please, you realized. Perhaps it wasn’t your best call to ask him to fuck you, because it dawned on you that you had just handed Jungkook his esteemed control back on a silver platter. That started simply as a doubt in the corners of your mind, however, you were sure that you had lost that battle once his needy whimpers started to wash away, instead replaced by the guttural, rough groans that he usually presented to you. 

Not that you truly cared about it: you had already proven your point. 

His head leaned to the side, pressing against his elevated arm. Jungkook was hypnotized by the way that your bodies met, the way you held yourself up so he could fuck himself inside you. You were always so good for him. “Your pussy feels so fucking amazing, baby,” Jungkook moaned out, hips snapping up against yours. A hiss dripped from his mouth when he felt you clench around him, signaling that you were close once again. “Look so pretty. Made for my cock.” 

“Y-Yes,” you stammered, head falling back. You could feel that familiar tingling at the bottom of your stomach, your orgasm ready to snap once more. Jungkook always fucked you so well, even when his hands were tied up, always left your brain scrambling after the most basic of words. “I’m c-close.” 

Jungkook tried once more to pull at his restraints, but it simply wouldn’t bulge. The contrast between the red ropes and the dark ink decorating his skin was beautiful, the veins of his hands getting thicker as tugged again and again. Jungkook was beyond the realms of reason by that point, struggling like a caged animal because there was nothing else in the world that he wanted more than to touch; to suck your breasts and to fuck you the way he wanted to. “Gonna cum too, baby,” his voice was almost a roar, deep and frustrated. It shot straight up to your core, made you tip over the edge and come down spasming around his cock, your high washing over you. “That’s it, cream my cock,” he praised. In the background of your overwhelmed state, you could feel as his member throbbed inside you, ready to release. “Take everything for me, alright? Wanna fill you up.”  

You barely had any time to nod before he was spilling himself inside you, a long, throaty moan dripping like sin from his lips. Jungkook tried to keep his movements up for a bit longer, delighting himself in the way you winced at the feeling, but even he had grown too tired to continue it. So, at last, he collapsed back against the mattress, sweaty hair falling over his eyes. 

“Get up,” he commanded, breathless. “Let me see it.” 

With shaky movements, you did as he requested, planting one hand on his thigh so you could raise your body. His cock slipped out at the motion, already softening, but his gaze was stuck on the gradual dripping of his cum between your pussy lips. As much as you were used to that specific request, it always made your legs weak when you looked at him during that part — no matter what happened before, Jungkook always had that maniac expression plastered all over his face, like the mere image of his cum slipping out of you was enough to send him into a frenzy all over again. And, most times, it was. 

“Good girl,” his dark stare slowly navigated towards your eyes. His arms were surprisingly still, no longer battling against the ropes, and there was something ominous about that. “Push it back in.” 

Because you didn’t want to anger him any further, you agreed. It was almost impressive how quickly Jungkook was able to take back his control: even with him being immobilized, you were still folding and following his wishes like it was your second nature. “Like this?” You asked, using two of your fingers to stuff his cum back inside. 

“Yeah, just like that.” He breathed out, the final seconds of his exhale morphing into a low growl. “Now, ___,” he called, eyes still glued to your pussy. “Untie me.” 

You almost wanted to go against that, given the way he was about to break you in half, but that wasn’t probably the brightest of ideas. A bit nervous, you moved off his lap and sat down next to him, hands flying to undo the knots. “Hang on,” you requested. From the corners of his vision, you could see Jungkook staring you down, his piercing eyes focused on your face, silently watching you through the curtain of his black hair. At last, you managed to undo the ropes, the thick material falling beside you as Jungkook lowered his arms and started to massage his wrists. “How are your hands? I hope it wasn’t—“

“Lay down.” He interrupted, dry. Your mouth fell shut — none of your usual sarcastic remarks finding their way past the lump in your throat. 

The softness of the pillow was a welcomed sensation, but your body could not relax, not when Jungkook was still looking at the pink marks on his inked skin, thinking about what he was going to do to you. You waited for what seemed like hours until he finally moved around, arms on either side of your head and chest pressed flush against yours. Jungkook’s heat was asphyxiating, his nose bumping against yours as he placed a small, tender kiss on your lips. He was being too calm, you noticed that instantly; still waters with sharks swimming underneath. 

“Silly girl,” he mumbled against your mouth, fingers pressing on either side of your jaw. Jungkook pulled your mouth open, thumb caressing your lower lip as he stared down at you like an arrogant monarch. You felt terribly small, shrinking under his presence. “It’s not my hands that you should be worrying about.” He smirked, and his thumb paused its tender motions on your lip. He sighed. “Now that you had your fun, I’m gonna have mine.” 

~ 

Jungkook was right: his wrists were red the next day. He naively thought that no one would be able to see it through his tattoos, but Taehyung, even in his hungover stupor, had his detective eye ready and noticed the marks right away. There was absolutely no way all his crime documentaries made him such an expert, Jungkook thought, but couldn’t really be sure of it. 

“You know… things like this only make me more curious,” Taehyung said after Jungkook had refused to tell him who had come over the previous night. He was munching on his sandwich like his life depended on it, brows furrowed into a perfect picture of concentration. There was jelly all over his mouth, pulling up the corners of his lips and making Taehyung look like a terrible, discount copy of the joker. “Like, a chick tied you up? Come on, I have to meet someone like that. It’s a matter of, like, survival, some alpha wolf bullshit—“

“Fuck off,” Jungkook cut him short, burying his face on his hands. He was too tired to deal with any of that. “I never want to hear about you or your wolves ever again.”

~

check out the rest of the bad influence collection! 

taglist > @minyoongiboongi  @bvrrym0re @marcoazam2 @shojotae @youurkryptonite @fan-ati--c @btstrasht @crazy4myself @ft-multi @kooafraid @dianaaviny @ggukkieland @cryinginmypromdress @kissestothesky @imluckybitches @gyukult @jinsalpaca @0901-1230 @we8joon​ @gamerkooks​

#jungkook #bts #jungkook smut #jungkook x you #jungkook x reader #bts fic #jungkook fic #bts smut #smut #jeon jungkook #bad boy #college au #sub jungkook #x you #x reader #reader insert #series #smut series #bts x you #bts x reader

[insaneoldme]

Can you rec buddie fics? Pretty please?

OMG it's my time to shine, bitches!!!

Sorry if I went a little nuts, but this fandom has some of the best writers I've ever seen. I have 186 Buddie fics bookmarked in my AO3,

I'll link here if you are interested in taking a look cause if I put them all here it would be too long. Also, I tried to show here some fics I very rarely see recced, and a little bit o the classics. This fandom has some very underrated authors, everyone in my bookmarks is worth taking a look really.

Please take a look at the warnings before reading, enjoy!!!

I Hate Accidents (Except When We Went From Friends to This) by morganofthefairies (Rated E )

Buck and Eddie had always been unconventional. Neither of them gave it much thought – they were just them. Buck and Eddie - partners, best friends, co-parents – just as entangled in each other’s lives as any actual couple in the 118.

Or, the story of how Buck and Eddie went about their relationship in entirely the wrong order.

My Heart's Been Borrowed by ElvenSorceress (Rated E)

aka the one where Taylor gives Buck his ultimate fantasy and uncovers far more than either of them expected, forcing him to confront his long held feelings for Eddie

Half Awake in Our Fake Empire by HMSLusitania (Rated E)

Buck 1.0 fathered a child and Buck 4.0 comes into custody.

Love and Bullets Both Shatter Hearts (But Only One Can Put You Back Together) (Rated E)

Agent [Redacted] Diaz is the best at what he does. Usually. But lately there's this real pain in the ass* who's been ruining his missions: Code Name "Buck."

Keep It On by R_E_R6 (Rated E)

When Eddie walks in on Buck, bent over in nothing but a hoodie, their plans for the night immediately change. Buck's outfit though? Well, Eddie requests that it stays the same...for reasons.

Heart of Flowers / Heart of Gold by ElvenSorceress (Rated T)

Buck nearly loses everything and Eddie has to follow his heart

hungry for your love by evcndiaz (Rated G)

prompt: "who’s gonna write a fanfic where chris is not cooperating with buck and eddie accidentally says “listen to your dad”?"

or; breadsticks are a metaphor for love and boning

keep your eyes on the road by iriswests (Rated M)

A glimpse into buck and eddie’s developing relationship, told through ten moments stopped at a traffic light

when things fall into place by woodchoc_magnum (Rated M)

In which Eddie asks Buck to move in with them during lockdown to help look after Christopher, which leads to certain unresolved feelings being resolved.

Carbon Date Me, Excavate Me by extasiswings, letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)

Evan "Buck" Buckley has made a name for himself as the independent bad boy of archaeology. At least, until Professor Eddie Diaz shows up with his fedora and good looks and starts beating Buck to the punch more often than not.

Buck hates his stupid six-pack covered guts.

Except for how... he might not.

Objects in the Mirror by SevenSoulmates (Rated E)

The voice had always been around, Eddie remembers it, like a stream of consciousness that babbled incoherently to the point where Eddie just tuned it out.

But then the voice started speaking directly to him. Conversing like he was a whole person standing right in front of him. Like he could see what was happening around Eddie.

Eddie shook his head. No one was talking to him, and Eddie most certainly was not talking back.

He wouldn’t talk to the boy in his head ever again. There was no boy in his head.

ripples all the way down by iriswests (Rated M)

christopher partakes in some parent trapping

dream of some epiphany by extasiswings (Rated M)

Evan Buckley is lost.

It’s happenstance that he wanders into the navy recruiting center—he’s been in San Diego for a few weeks, bartending late nights and weekends, living in a house with three other guys not because he needs the roommates but because he doesn’t want to be alone, and the military is…respectable. Stable. So Buck thinks maybe and opens the door.

Buck leaves ten minutes later with a set of printed instructions for sending his first letter, assured that he can drop it off whenever he’s ready, and a name.

Staff Sergeant Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz.

Relationship Advice from Complete Strangers Online by HMSLusitania (Rated T)

Hi, I’ve never made a Reddit post before and I’m not 100% sure what I’m doing but I need advice and can’t ask anyone in my real life. So, I [30M] have this best friend [34M]…

Leading with the Left by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)

When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico."

And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?"

In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.

fireflies where my caution should be by littlesnowpea (Rated M)

“You never talk about your parents,” Eddie says, which is not even remotely what Buck expects Eddie to say. He frowns, tilts his head, but it isn’t a question, as evidenced by Eddie charging on. “I never asked because I figured it was your business, but the look on your face any time they’re brought up tells me you don’t get along.”

Buck swallows hard, against a lump in his throat. His parents? Eddie’s right, he never talks about them, for good reason. He opens his mouth, then closes it again, not sure what he’s even going to say.

Eddie takes it as the answer Buck is trying to make it out to be. He squeezes Buck’s wrist again, takes a deep breath, like he’s on a call with someone who’s panicking. Buck finds his breathing slowing to match Eddie’s, and Eddie nods as Buck gets it under control.

“There are people on the porch,” Eddie says, voice even. “Saying they want to meet their grandchild.”

Asked, Offered, Given, (He's) Taken by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)

People like to flirt with Buck on calls. It kind of makes Buck uncomfortable.

And that makes Eddie frustrated.

I Hit the Accelerator (But the Car was in Reverse) by extasiswings, letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (Rated E)

When Buck is forced to confront the truth about his breakup with Abby, having casual sex with his hot new coworker seems like the best rebound idea.

Unfortunately, that hot new coworker turns into his best friend. But best friends can keep having sex with each other, right?

There's no way this could possibly go wrong.

Memorable by JessicaMDawn (Rated T)

Six times Buck got recognized by people he saved during the tsunami, and how his team realized he was a hero.

All Bets are Off by NobodyKnows_U (Not Rated)

Or, the five times the firefam realized Buck and Eddie were in love, and the one-time Eddie finally did something about it.

fire on fire by extasiswings (Rated T)

Or: Buck and Eddie get in the habit of sharing a bed while living together during quarantine. It's platonic until it isn't.

Better Together by Randomfandombloggs09 (Not Rated)

5 times Eddie sees Buck wearing his last name and 1 time its not just his

Daddy and Pops by EdithBlake (Rated M)

When Christopher calls Buck 'Pops' things get a bit confusing. Buck and Eddie have a talk with Christopher that ends up with both of them being even more confused by how right it sounds.

the meaning of the words you see by florenceandthemachine (Rated E)

unknown sender: Hi!

unknown sender: Just wanted to say thanks for letting me buy you a drink, and for your number. Sorry I had to run.

unknown sender: I’m Eddie by the way.

sent: hey um

sent: i don’t want 2 be this guy but

sent: i think u mayb put the wrong # in ur phone

the dream you wish will come true by woodchoc_magnum (Rated M)

In which Christopher Diaz cannot understand why his father would want to date his former teacher when Evan Buckley is right there.

vienna waits for you by mottainai (Not Rated)

Eddie doesn't deserve a soulmate.

Work Husband by hideeho (Rated T)

“What...what have you done with Buck?” Eddie is going to kill him for messing with his phone. No, that’s too extreme. He’s going to maim him. Just a little.

“Check under H,” Chim offers helpfully, shooting a look over to Hen with a smirk.

Why the hell would he be under—

Then he sees it.

Husband.

Bad Neighbors by firstdegreefangirl (Rated E)

Eddie's new neighbors are keeping him up all night. He calls on his best friend for a little taste of their own medicine.

Cross the Line by Sirencalls (Rated E)

Eddie laughs, short and quiet and almost to himself. “No. If you want to learn, then I’m gonna be the one to teach you.”

Buck is pretty sure his brain stops working. “What? Why?”

Eddie turns to look at him and steps closer, their chests only a few inches apart. “Because there are people out there who will take advantage of how naïve you are. They’ll hurt you, and I won’t.” Eddie’s eyes are so intense that Buck doesn’t have any choice but to believe him. “If you want someone to do this for you, to—to dominate you, it has to be me. I don’t trust anyone else to do it right.”

pretty in pink by dykeevans (Rated E)

Buck forgets that he and Eddie made plans to hang out until Eddie shows up and Buck's in the middle of laundry day.

His laundry day outfit consists of a small pink crop top and grey sweatpants.

Eddie loses his damn mind. Me too, though, me too.

the distance to the stars by cloudydaisies (Rated G)

“Didn’t know you were seeing someone.”

Buck just laughs. Like, honest to god giggles. Eddie is stuck fighting off doubly massive waves of butterflies and confusion, all while Buck just gazes down at him.

“That’s cute,” he hears Buck mumble, just before climbing into the truck, calling Eddie after him.

-or, everyone knows eddie is dating buck except for eddie, literally.

Something Old, Something New by dumbhuman (Rated E)

“Damn, I love weddings!” Buck’s face lit up as he closed the door.

If asked later, Eddie wouldn’t have been able to explain what came over him in that moment to make him ask the question. Or, at least, he wouldn’t have wanted to explain. The exhaustion was an easy excuse, but he knew deep down that it wasn’t a real one.

“Why don’t you come with me?”

one of the few things by thatnerdemryn (Rated G)

five times that Eddie tells someone else that Buck is Christopher's legal guardian plus one time he finally tells Buck.

I Didn't Know I Was Lonely 'Til I Saw Your Face by HMSLusitania (Rated T)

Total strangers Buck and Eddie go to couple's therapy together to get out of the therapy requirements their captains have placed on them.

things we shouldn't do by Ingu (Rated T)

“Why is everybody taking my relationship status so personally? Can’t I be fine with being single?” Buck said.

“Hey, you don’t have to say yes, be sad and alone if that’s what you want,” Josh replied. “But, I’m just saying. I’ve seen photos and this guy is volcanic levels of hot. Also, single dad, super cute kid. Saves lives for a living like you. I think you should give it a go.”

(the one where Buck and Eddie accidentally get set up on a blind date with each other, and everything snowballs from there)

Keeping It In The Family by Wolves_of_Innistrad (Rated T)

A young man shows up at the firehouse looking for Buck. Turns out Javier was a Bartender with Buck in Mexico. He’s back in LA, looking to reconnect and very flirty. Cue Eddie realizing Buck is not as straight as he thought.

kiss me (like your ex is in the room) by rebeccaofsbfarm (Rated E)

Eddie Diaz gets drunk and protective and signs up for a fake double date to get back at his friend's ex.

Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by HMSLusitania (Rated M)

An accident on a call leaves Buck with custody of Chris after Eddie is… missing presumed.

While they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite Eddie's parents' best efforts -- a John Doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named Christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home

All my Buddie AO3 bookmarks

As I said this fandom has some very talented people, some of my favorite Authors's Tumblrs below, I recommend all the things they wrote and their blogs are very good.

@elvensorceress, @hmslusitania, @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels, @extasiswings

For gifs:

@arrenemris, @skylessnights (very lovely AU gifsets)

@from-nova(good gifs & content)

For Podfics: @mistmarauder everything she ever read is amazing, her podfics are high quality and she has a very lovely voice and her presence calms me down lol I recommend it

I'm sorry there are a lot more people but I'm kinda in a rush haha most of the people I follow are amazing, but the ones I mentioned here are enough to get you started or entertained for a while.

Buddie fics are amazing, this pairing has spoiled me so much, everyone I met because of it is nice and so active and talented.

Sorry mutuals if I forgot someone! 

I hope I helped Anon, have fun!

(Tell me if any link is wrong please, thanks)

#buddie #buddie recs #recs #fic recs #911 on fox #911fox #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #ao3

[lilikags]

ೃ‧₊› a b o u t  t h i s  p o s t° ➮ Pairing: Miya Atsumu x reader ➮ Oneshot ➮ Tags: fluff ➮ Word Count: 2182

A/N: This is for @serowotonin​! [for Luna’s Valentines Day collab] Ik I said I was doing Atsumu bc “I was bored” but I always say “imagine being bored” and truly, I haven’t been bored for so long. I forgot that this was for the collab for a fat moment then when you saw the preview I was like, “Wait- no- it’s a surprise.” 

Premise: You and Atsumu are cleaning out the apartment, when you find a few letters you thought you would never see again… 

“Oi, (y/n), look at what I found,” you heard Atsumu say, leaning over the contents of a drawer he had been sifting through. 

“What?” you walked over to see what he had found. The two of you were cleaning out the apartment, as you were going to be moving out soon. Atsumu had a habit of keeping things that connected him to an important memory of his, unless he wanted to forget it- and this was one of them. You didn’t know he kept them- actually, it did make sense of him to, but you had simply forgotten about it and you somehow expected the same for him. You looked down to see what he had in his hands, and your face literally went emotionless as you saw the letter in his hands. 

You really didn’t mind the letters, for the most part. Actually, they held dear to you. However, that first one… you were grateful for it, but you also remembered just how bad you wanted to buy a grave space and bury it for eternity back then... 

Miya Atsumu.

This was a dare. This is a love letter. For Valentines. Happy valentines day. If you have extra chocolate, send me some. 

Sincerest thanks, (y/n). 

Atsumu usually threw away the letters he received every Valentines. It wasn’t that he was trying to be rude; it was just that there were too many letters for him to read (and reply to), so he usually just threw them out. Osamu often teased him for this; he boasted that he at least read his letters.

“Oi, ‘Samu, look at this one,” Atsumu called out to his brother. 

“What?” Osamu looked at him, with a face of disbelief. “Yer actually lookin’ at them?”

“Nah, not really, but this one’s hilarious,” Atsumu laughed. 

“Okay, not funny, keep yer lame humor to yourself.” 

----------------

“(y/n), truth or dare,” (b/f/n) asked. 

You smiled, “Dare.” 

“Hmmm… alright, send a love letter to Miya Atsumu- it has to be at least one line long.”

“I’m- okay then.” 

You brought out a piece of paper, wrote the first things that came to mind, and once you reached one line, you stopped. You folded the paper and grabbed whatever envelope you could find and sealed it with tape. The dare required actually giving the letter, much to your dismay, but it wasn’t like you could back down from a dare. After all, it was (b/f/n), and the nonstop teasing would definitely occur if you failed to complete the dare. 

Dearest (y/n), 

I did in fact receive your rather interesting letter, and I have decided to bring you some chocolate as you wished. I wish you, as well, a very happy valentine’s day this year.

Most sincerely, Atsumu. 

Atsumu was intrigued enough to write a reply; in fact, he decided to write in the most formal way possible. He knew from the letter that you were either a tsundere or someone who was actually dared to do so, and decided that it would be fun entertainment for the both of you. 

When you received the letter, you were surprised to see a reply. It was known he didn’t send out replies, yet you had received one. As you read it, you felt a need to reply; you’d simply feel bad if you didn’t. However, what was there to talk about? How the chocolates were good? He had stuck it on your first period desk, out in the open. And you also sincerely wondered what was with the overly formal tone. You do remember writing the most shitty letter you’ve ever written to him, and that volleyball-obsessed dude just writes something formal to you? Baffles the mind.

Well, then, if he was going to reply, you would too. 

Miya Atsumu,

Thanks for the chocolate- your fans make pretty good chocolate, I have to say. Bet I could make better chocolate than ya, ‘cause all ya focus on is just volleyball. Anyways, what was with the overly formal tone- ya like me or somethin’? Would be funny if ya did and I turned ya down. XD  

(y/n) 

You never really thought of Miya Atsumu, but this really sparked your interest. It was amusing, his reactions. It was definitely something you didn’t expect- you actually didn’t expect a reply at all. The reply you received was definitely out of the ordinary as well, one you never thought a hotshot volleyball player would write. It seemed he was interested in you in some ways- and you as well. 

(y/n),

Pfffft, you think I might like ya? I just thought yer letter was interestin’, that’s all. Ya really think I can’t make chocolate? Bet I could make better chocolate than ya, I’ll show you. I make you chocolate myself and we’ll see how it tastes. Just you watch, I’ll make ya say I make the best chocolate ever! 

Atsumu. 

You saw that in your shoe locker the next morning- and everyone saw it. You were beginning to regret actually replying to him, but there was no backing out now. (b/f/n) really hit the goal here, for her. People were probably talking about it. It’s always some event that involves romance that catches everyone’s eye. And since it was just after valentine’s, everyone would automatically assume it was a love letter. In reality, it was simply a little bit of playful banter. 

You wondered if people actually knew who it was. You hoped not; it would gather way too much attention for your liking. You’d have an entire fanclub after you, and it was definitely (b/f/n)’s fault that you got into this entire mess. You had absolutely no idea if anyone saw him slip that into your shoe locker, since it had probably been there for a good hour or so before you and most of the other students got there. In any case, there was nothing you could do about people knowing things they already know, so you headed onto class. It was exam week, and you sighed; it would be a long day. 

When you arrived at homeroom, you were not-so-pleasantly surprised with what you found at your desk. You just wanted a quiet day; go to school, take the tests, and get out so you could relax at home. But no, you just had to see this and you knew there was a thing called rumors you had to deal with. Well, you could just be like “whatever” and not care, but you definitely knew who’d be after you, for real. Atsumu’s fanbase was quite scary, and definitely large- a group of people one would regret messing with. 

“Ugh- what am I going to do with this chocolate now, he gave me a lot yesterday…” 

“(y/n)! Oiiii, you got chocolate?! From who from who-”

“(b/f/n), if you say a word, you are going to be dead to me.”

“...” she looked away, but then turned to you again and whispered in your ear. “So, Miya Atsumu, who has a fanbase, likes you.” 

“I’m- no-”

“But what I’m seeing says otherwise?”

“Ugh, you’re coming to my house and you are going to pay for that dare.” 

“Oh ho ho, seems like I started something…” “Bet you did.”

Pisshead Atsumu

LMAO bet ya didn’t make the chocolate, yer terrible at lying <///3 seen this chocolate before. And like wtf you put a box of chocolate on my desk with YOUR NAME on it. Ya know that people will do a thing called assuming things, right? Smh, think before you act. Anyways, I’m counting on ya to fix up this mess.

(y/n)

When you finished class, the first thing you did was write the note. You were absolutely paranoid with this mess, and you were going to have Atsumu fix it. Yes, you did technically initiate contact first, but that was (b/f/n)’s fault and this could’ve avoided this if he hadn’t pulled off a whole stunt. 

It was already around 6 when he saw the note. A small smirk filled his expression, he was so sure that he would be able to get a good reaction out of (y/n). It was written on scrap paper, the back of a phys. ed worksheet. You wrote it in a rush, very obviously. That wasn’t really what caught his attention though; he was puzzled as to how he would fix this. Tell his fans to fuck off? Osamu would tease him for eternity.

“Oi, what’cha starin’ at?” he heard Osamu nag. “Mom’s waitin’ for us for dinner.”

“Hey, ‘Samu…  ya know how to fix this?” 

“... ARE YOU AN IDIOT- YOU ARE AN IDIOT.”

“I AM NOT! YOU ARE THE IDIOT HERE!” 

“SAYS THE ONE WHO GOT INTO A MESS LIKE THIS!” 

“Oi, ya shouldn’t be fightin’ at this hour,” the two heard Kita say, as he gave them a certain look. “... ‘m sorry…” the twins apologized.

Even after a fulfilling dinner made by their mother and a nice, hot shower, Atsumu still couldn’t think of a solution. Osamu almost snitched on him, but he decided that there was enough on their mom’s plate of problems at the moment. 

“What if ya said you were dating?” Osamu offered. 

“HAH?! ARE YA INSANE?!” Atsumu yelled at him.

“That would explain what happened at valentine’s.” 

“But there’s nothin’ between us-”

“Yer fanclub wouldn’t really believe anythin’ else.”

“Yeah…” 

(y/n),

Can we meet when practice ends at 6 on Thursday?

M. Atsumu.

“... I’m- Is he just going to apologize then run away? Tch.” you sighed. You had the idea that Miya Atsumu was overconfident and carefree, but not to this extent. The least he could do was fix this- he had power over his fandom and what people said about him, unlike you. You had to go, it wasn’t like you really had much of a choice if you wanted to talk it out and fix it. 

“Hey, (y/n) are you and Atsumu dating?” one of your classmates asked, and a bunch of others hovered around the table, waiting to hear a response. (b/f/n) had told you rumors had spread around the entire school; you figured that would’ve happened. Any topic related to the twins spread like wildfire, especially the blonde-haired one. 

“... Can you not try to pry into my private life?” you replied, which you instantly realized was exactly a wrong answer to give. This implied that you were in fact dating Atsumu secretly, and you just made your life 10x worse. You figured you should just tell everyone what had happened, then the blame would be on (b/f/n)- it should preferably be placed on Atsumu, since he started it, really. 

When you met him at 6pm, you expected no contribution from him. Instead, you were met with a solid plan for something you weren’t really happy about, but it seemed the easiest to convince the public of a story they put out. 

“(y/n)... let’s tell them that we’re dating.”

“Hmm… well, they already think that…”

“I’m sorry… I wasn’t thinking…” “It’s fine. All we can do is move forward, I guess.”

“Yeah… ‘Samu gave me this solution; it’s all I have, I’m sorry if it’s-”

“It’s fine. Let’s go through with it. Just protect me from the crazy fangirls; that’s all I want.”

“Ya.” 

“And we’ll need to put together a coherent story; what’s yer number?” 

“Ahaha, seriously, maybe (b/f/n)’s a prophet. She told me that she was aiming for somethin’ to happen between us,” you commented, remembering what happened years and years ago. 

“Ya were just so unnecessarily worried about the fangirls,” Atsumu mentioned. 

“Oi! Yer fangirls were hella scary back then…” 

That night, you stayed up coming up with a story, which ended with the two of you breaking up so that you could go on your separate ways again. However, the story didn’t last too long, as (b/f/n)’s parent’s investigations went a little too far and spread the truth a little too much. (b/f/n) is one thing, but you had almost forgotten her parents were another, seriously. They’d been a little busy over the last few years, thus the lack of investigations of local drama, but they had been doing so for decades, what could you expect from them? 

Nothing was Atsumu’s fault to the fanclub, unless he seriously convinced them that it was. You were guilty until proven innocent. Unbeknownst to you until after, he gave them a whole (to be honest, not-so-great) speech on how he kind of went too far with the joke, but also placed the blame on everyone else for assuming things. People were absolutely ridiculous; their ideas and their insane imagination should learn that the left side of the brain exists too. 

“Funny how we met again after college, after all that time.”

“Ya… a real wonder” 

Another A/N: OMG THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING FOR ‘TSUMU FORGIVE ME IF I WROTE HIM LIKE, WRONG IN THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

『••✎••』 Extra Info * ˚ ✦ ⇢ If you would like to read some of my other works, find them here! * ˚ ✦ ⇢ Taglist: @serowotonin​ @luna-la-ley​ // send me an ask if you would like to be added!

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu oneshots #haikyuu imagines #miya atsumu #atsumu x you #atsumu imagines #atsumu x reader #atsumu x y/n #atsumu fluff #atsumu oneshot #atsumu fic #hq x reader #hq imagines #hq x you #hq love letters

[satendou]

hiii!!!!!!! can i request a scenario where tendou (+ bokuto if u want!! if not that’s fine) seem to only say they love reader during sex and it’s making the reader really insecure and unsure if the relationship is serious or not. i love ur writing!!! seriously i’ve read monster at least five times ❤️❤️ 

as if i wouldn’t do poly if you give me the option. if you give me an opening i will take it don’t test me. i don’t think i filled out the exact requirements of your request but this is what i came up with so

༶•┈┈ 𐐪 ┈♛ ♛┈ 𐑂 ┈┈•༶   

↠  requests open | rules

↠ masterlist

༶•┈┈ 𐐪 ┈♛ ♛┈ 𐑂 ┈┈•༶      

↠ includes: bokuto, tendo

↠ warnings: angst, fluff

❀ུ۪   they probably don’t even realize what they’re doing honestly. like tendo is better at physical expressions of affection just because he’s afraid of how verbal ones will be received. it stems from telling people about his feelings for them and watching the disgust on their face afterwards. physical expressions are clearcut and you have to be willing to receive them, so there’s less chance that he’ll be rejected because he reads physical tells very easily. ❀ུ۪   bokuto, i hate to say it, literally just doesn’t think about it. if you say you love him, it’s got to be just that, with no other add ons because he’ll lock onto the additions and forget to respond. sorry bo. ❀ུ۪   tendo figures out something is wrong first, obviously. since he can’t quite figure out what it is, though, he doesn’t say anything and just watches for a while. ❀ུ۪   bokuto doesn’t take long to figure it out either tho. when he asks what’s wrong, he’ll take your reassurances at face value for a little while, but when your mood doesn’t change, he’ll start to realize it isn’t nothing after all. he’s not as tactful as tendo about approaching it tho.

you tried to ignore it, really you did. they probably didn’t mean to do it, especially tendo. he wasn’t used to affection in general, so when you expressed that you loved him, he would often draw you into a tender kiss but never say it back.

in bokuto’s case, you just chalked it up to him forgetting. which, when you actually thought about it, only made you more insecure whenever he was hovering over you in bed. the only time he said it was when his hips were rutting into yours, the words a harsh grunt as he pleasured the both of you.

“babe?” tendo asked, resting his hand atop yours. he watched you jump and give him quick smile, not meeting his eyes. “what’s going on?”

you stilled, hand curling into a fist on your thigh beneath the table. you knew better than to lie to him, knew you would never get away with it, but still you said, “nothing. i’m fine.”

you didn’t ask him why.

sharing a glance with bokuto, tendo realized even he noticed your strange behavior, his yellow eyes narrowed with concern as he stared at you.

“no, there’s definitely something,” bokuto said, and tendo wanted to facepalm as you stood up. 

you couldn’t even muster the energy to pretend today, gazing out the restaurant window with a distant expression. “i, uh, need the bathroom. i’ll be right back.”

you couldn’t bring yourself to look into the mirror, afraid seeing yourself would make you cry. you were already having a hard enough time holding back tears today, the fear and insecurity especially prevalent as you tried to have lunch with them. every little thing, from an overlooked comment to each whisper shared between them across the table, felt like a barb in your skin, sinking in and causing another negative thought to surface.

you weren’t sure if you could keep the facade up any longer, knowing you needed to just talk to them about it. surely they would understand.

they were waiting for you at the register when you emerged, sharp eyes following your movements through the crowd. you were shrunken in on yourself, one hand on your shoulder and the other on your side as if to hide yourself from something. when you came to stand beside them, your gaze remained locked on the window, watching the people pass by outside.

“let’s go home, hm?” tendo asked, staring down at you while bo led the way through the tables. 

the bell dinged above the door and you were hit with the cool fall air, each of your hands being taken in one of your partner’s, though your grip was loose around their fingers. they tried to fill the silence for you, but it fell flat whenever you hummed in response instead of saying anything, eyes locked on anything but them. there was a flare of guilt in your chest, settling like a rock in your stomach when you caught a glimpse of bokuto’s hurt expression, his shoulders slumped when you didn’t laugh at one of his jokes.

you really needed to talk to them, but as the key to your apartment slid into the lock, your heart slammed in your chest. you didn’t even know how to bring it up, how to articulate your worries, and there was the very real fear that bringing it up would cause truths you didn’t want to know to come to light.

maybe they really didn’t love you and only kept you around out of pity, or maybe they had fallen out of love with you before they ever got a chance to say the words-- those thoughts settled like ice in your veins.

the door shut behind tendo, the silence inside the apartment was tense as they stared down at you. you felt like you were under a microscope and you knew it was well deserved. they were hurting just as much as you and, by saying nothing, you were all hurting each other.

“tell us what’s going on in that pretty little head, princess,” tendo cooed, turning you around and drawing you into his arms. he had shed his hoodie, and his t-shirt did nothing to muffle the sob that broke out against his chest.

whatever he had expected, it wasn’t that.

bokuto was on you in an instant, wrapping his arms around both you and tendo and cocooning you in a warmth that would have been comforting a few months ago, but was now stifling. still, you couldn’t bring yourself to pull away, because it would mean looking them in the eyes as you asked the dreaded question.

“do you love me?”

they took a moment to understand what you meant, your voice thick and hoarse as tears streamed down your cheeks, and it felt for a moment like the room rocked-- at least for tendo.

all those whispered ‘i love you’s’ came back to haunt him as he realized his response wasn’t enough for you. he should have known as much when they stopped coming, but he had ignored it.

bokuto took longer to get what you meant, returning tendo’s stunned, understanding look with a quizzical one, one brow raised. 

tendo forced your head up to look at him, cupping your tear stained cheeks in his long spidery fingers, and said, “of course i do. i love you so much it hurts. i don’t even know how to express how much i love you, sweetheart.”

your eyes widened at the conviction, fresh tears spilling down and pooling between his fingers and your skin. you had only heard him speak that passionately about volleyball and manga, and never had he looked so serious before. you blinked rapidly, trying to clear your blurry vision as he leaned in, covering your lips with his.

it was about that time that bokuto finally fitted the missing puzzle piece and bent nearly in half, nuzzling your cheek and littering kisses on your skin. his heart hurt seeing you so torn up over the whole thing-- he knew for a fact it was a big misunderstanding. you had never heard the way he and tendo talked about you when you weren’t listening, but he realized now maybe you should.

“baby, ‘m sorry,” he murmured into your ear. tendo pulled away, allowing bokuto to spin you around to face him. his hands were larger and more callused than tendo’s when he cupped your face, making sure you continued to look at him as he spoke. “i love you too. so much. i love you more than volleyball and-- and barbecue and--”

he paused, and tendo piped up. “volleyball?”

bokuto shot him a sharp look but couldn’t quite hide the amusement, causing tendo’s lips to curl up at the corners.

you hid your face in bokuto’s chest then, letting tears spill anew as the weight in your chest disappeared, allowing you to breathe freely again. through shuddery breaths, you said, “‘m sorry i didn’t say anything sooner. i thought-- i thought i was just being silly.”

tendo’s arms covered yours around bokuto’s back, his head resting atop yours as he said, “we’re sorry too, princess. we should have said it back. i guess we just... it doesn’t matter. we won’t let you down again, ‘kay?”

“okay,” you murmured, looking up into bo’s bright yellow eyes. 

before you could think, his lips had captured yours, prying your lips apart so he could slip his tongue into your mouth. you felt yourself being lifted up off the floor, tendo’s laugh rumbling against your back as he said, “you beat me to it, ko. wanna show her how much we love her?”

bokuto pulled away to look at him over your shoulder, lips shiny and swollen from the kiss.

“oh yeah, i think she deserves that, don’t you?”

↠ requests open | rules

↠ masterlist

↠ taglist: @sluttony​, @visaintes​, @yunhosblackgf​, @super-noya​, @byebyes-world​, @newfriendjen​, @atsunakaashi​

#bokuto x reader #tendo x reader #bokuto kotaro x reader #kotaro bokuto x reader #tendo satori x reader #satori tendo x reader #bokuto x reader x tendo #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #filled hq request

[floralseokjin]

;good2me (m)

Hoseok has been your friend and one of your roommates for over a year. That’s fine by you. In fact, most of the time he’s getting on your last nerve, even though you love him half to death. He’d agree. But soon you both find out there’s a very thin line between friendship and potential lovers... Are you prepared to cross it? 

pairing; jung hoseok x reader (slight kim seokjin x reader)  genre/warnings; friends to lovers (idiots to lovers), roommate au, bartender! hoseok, romance, bearable angst, a small infidelity, some mature content, implied smut  words; 15,351

author’s note; i started watching new girl again and got inspired by jess and nick’s relationship! Late, but for hoseok’s birthday 🥺💖

“Ohhh!” Hoseok hollered as you walked into the living area, looking up from where he was sat on the couch, flicking through the television. “Mama’s looking sexy!”

“Thank you. She is,” you said, trying to put on your best sexy voice. You did a little spin, before squeezing your cleavage up. “Got a little breast on show. A little booty if I bend over at a ninety degree angle.” You didn’t bend over the whole way, but he got the picture. 

He laughed, genuinely amused. “What is the occasion?” 

Trying to keep your bashful smile away, you failed. Big style. “Seokjin’s taking me out on our very first official date.” 

“Where to? Somewhere fancy no doubt.” 

“It’s a surpriseee.” 

You were giddy. Had been all day. You and Seokjin were finally happening, after all this time. Three months ago it seemed impossible. You had met in a quite unsavoury way, as in, you’d been determined to go out that night and have a one night stand. The one night stand had sure happened, but make that a multiple night stand. 

It was just casual sex for a few weeks. You didn’t know much about one another—more detail would mean this thing would just get deeper, and it was supposed to be the most casual of casual. You had come out of a longterm relationship at the start of the year, nearly 30 and very unsure what to do now when it came to dating. You’d met a couple of guys along the way, but you kept making the same mistake. You kept getting into relationships with them. You were sick of being Serious Sue, you wanted to be Fun Fanny. The nickname wasn’t the most desirable and you quickly stopped announcing that to potential hook ups you found at the bar. (Hoseok said you were giving off vibes you really didn’t want to be giving off.) 

Seokjin was a bit of a closed book back then, you didn’t know his story, why he wanted to keep things so casual. The guy was super sweet, really attentive and amazing in bed, but you didn’t pry. He hadn’t asked for your history, so you didn’t ask for his. Until you found out he was a doctor. A kid’s doctor. Or if you wanted to be official, a paediatrician. The dude was actually perfect, and that’s how you started to fall. 

It didn’t end well. When you confessed your feelings and implied you wanted more, he took off. He was sorry about it, apologised profusely, but he still left. You were heartbroken. But not just because of the rejection. It was because you’d fucked up again, wanted something serious, even though you’d sworn this thing with Seokjin was just a hook up. 

You managed to shake your dark mood, but you couldn’t shake the fact it felt like Seokjin was the one that got away. The one who was husband material if the situation had been different. It still felt like that nearly two months later when you ran into him at a Christmas party. However, to your surprise, he came at you with a thousand apologies. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d let go. He couldn’t concentrate the regret was so deep. He’d just come out of a shitty relationship when he’d met you, he’d gotten hurt and the idea of getting into a fresh relationship so soon had half frightened him to death. But the truth was he really liked you and wanted to be with you. He wanted something serious now, but he totally understood if you told him where to go. 

You very nearly did. You’d put your heart on the line once and he’d stomped all over it. Maybe it was just the stubbornness in you, seeing as you’d secretly held out for this. You’d needed time to think and Seokjin understood. It was actually Hoseok in the end who’d encouraged you to give it a shot. He knew you were frightened of getting hurt, but you deserved happiness and Seokjin could give that to you. (The dude’s perfect, were his exact words. And rich. Bag him now, before I do.) 

“Well, have a great time,” Hoseok grinned, taking a moment to get another look at you. “You look stunning. He’s gonna be blown away.” 

Your phone dinged in your hand. It was Seokjin, he’d just pulled up. “That’s him now.” Your voice was an unusual pitch. All high and excited. You were nearly at the door when you stopped, remembering what you wanted to tell Hoseok before you’d gotten distracted. You turned back. “Thank you again, Hobi.” 

He groaned. “Quit thanking me. I just gave you my opinion. You’re the one who made the decision.” 

You nodded, smiling softly. You were a broken record by now. “I don’t think I’ll be coming home tonight so don’t wait up.” 

“Ew.” He wrinkled his nose, feigning disgust. “Get out of here!” 

You laughed and opened the door to leave. Yeah, you were big style getting laid tonight. “Have fun with the guys!” You called, managing to get a grunt in reply. 

Living with three males was interesting, to say the least. Definitely not how you imagined seeing in your thirties. But when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. Life had dealt you a lot of lemons (Read: blows. Lemons = blows) these past twelve months. The breakdown of your eight year relationship had resulted in you moving out of the home you shared. Living with your best friend Joy had been fine at first, but it was always a temporary thing in your mind. That’s how you found yourself here, in loft 4a, living with three guys. Your mother had always told you not to trust an ad on Craigslist, but she lived 100 miles away. What she didn’t know wouldn’t harm her. 

There was Hoseok, of course, who you were closest with. It didn’t make any sense, most of the time you were like chalk and cheese. He was hard to read, kind of judge-y on a bad day, but somehow he got you the most. Maybe it was because just before you’d moved in he’d gone through his own similar breakup. Another long term relationship with a woman you’d meant once when she was picking up some of the things she’d left at the loft. You hadn’t known him well back then, but now you did, and you’d seen first-hand what the separation had done to him. It made him insecure. In himself, in his capabilities and in his job. He worked in a bar down the road, had for a few years after he dropped out of law school, and even though he’d never said it outright, you think that was the parting dig Minah, the ex, had left him with when she’d walked out. But despite that, Hoseok could be fun and easy to be around. That’s why you liked him the most. Because he’d always made you feel comfortable. Right from the beginning. 

Next, there was Yoongi. A radio host for the local station in your area. You might think he was aloof if you didn’t know him any better, but the guy was very much similar to a cat. Slight in his affection but that just made it all the more sincere. You’d never forget the time he’d kicked out this lame-o you’d thought you were exclusively dating, when in fact it turned out he was seeing three other girls too. Yoongi found you in tears in the living room, jerkface trying to apologise for the misunderstanding. He was out on his ass in under five seconds. From that night on you knew to call him a friend, much to his chagrin. He was a big softy really, and very loyal. That’s why Joy had fallen for him pretty early on. One introduction, a few weeks later and Bam! They were an item. There went her vow to never date a guy shorter than her. Plus, Yoongi was very smug about dating a model. Thought all his Christmas’ had come at once. But yeah, they were very much in love now. Pretty sickening really…

And last but not least, there was Namjoon. He was the brains of the group. The only one with a master’s degree, and the only one with a “proper” job. A high school science teacher. Well, technically you were a teacher too, but it wasn’t particularly the same when you taught a bunch of adults creative writing. Namjoon was the sensible one. The one who kept the lid on everyone’s antics when they were in fear of getting out of control. Although boy could be erratic when he wanted to be. More often now that the woman he’d been dating on and off for six months had finally ended things. Heartbroken Namjoon was not fun. Nor was the depressing music he played at 2am in the morning. But you were there for him because you loved him. You, Hoseok and Yoongi. 

3 guys, one girl. Best friends until the end, living in loft 4a. 

Ew. It could be a sitcom. 

“I don’t understand why you had to meet me outside,” Hoseok said to you. “I work here, it’s not like this place is new to me.” 

You hummed, not really wanting to answer him, but also severely distracted. It was a good few weeks later now, winter was pretty much over, life had long and resumed after  Christmas. In fact, it was the middle of February and today was Hoseok’s birthday. The last but one of you to turn the dreaded three-oh. You were pretty nervous right now, inside the bar a whole bunch of people ready to celebrate. Hoseok thought it was just you, the guys and Joy joining him for a few drinks… There was minor detail you’d left out and ignored: Hoseok hated surprises.  

Walking through the bar entrance first, leading the way for obvious reasons, you were met with darkness. Hoseok stopped dead behind you, and you heard him mutter oh, god, aghast. Your stomach dropped out of your ass but you flicked on the lights, yelling SURPRISE! with the rest of the partygoers filling the dingy room. 

“Happy 30th birthday, Hobi!” You exclaimed, hugging into him slightly. You pulled back, a grin on your face, eyes wide as you tried to gauge his reaction. He wouldn’t make a scene, surely? You watched with slight dread as he tried to stretch one across his face too. His eyes were piercing though. Piercing into you with complete and utter disbelief. You then watched as he turned his head and addressed his guests. “Thanks, guys. What a lovely surprise…”

Frick. He was definitely using his fake voice. 

.

.

“What is this?” Hoseok hissed at you. He’d finally been able to corner you an hour in, and you stood huddled together by the restrooms. “I told you I didn’t want a big deal. You said it was just going to be a few lowkey drinks at the bar!” 

“It is,” you insisted, before muttering that next part. “Just with an added 20 more people…” 

“I don’t even know half of them!” He looked around the room, and you joined him. 

Okay, you had to admit, after the first five people you’d added to the list it was pretty hard to think of more. In the end you’d had to improvise. Invite acquaintances or just even friends of a friend… You wouldn’t admit that though. “Sure you do,” you shrugged. “There’s Yoongi and Joy.” 

“She’s your best friend.” 

“There’s Namjoon.” 

“They don’t count.” He frustrated. “They were supposed to be here! It was just supposed to be them!” 

“There’s Mrs. Choi from our building–”

“You invited a 60 year old lady to my birthday?” 

She had a soft spot for him. Of course she should be here. “There’s Brian, your-your boss…” You admit by now you were struggling. 

“He’s just here because he works every night.” 

“There’s…” You glanced around again, desperate to see a familiar face of Hoseok’s. Finally, you found someone. “THERE’S NARA!” You shouted pretty loudly, excitement taking over. She drunk at the bar a few nights a week. Hoseok had become a little enamoured. 

He jerked his head in her direction. She was sat in a booth with Yoongi, Joy and Namjoon. The latter chatting away with her. “Oh, my god. You invited Nara?!” 

“Of course I did. You like her.” 

“No, I don’t.” He was quick to refute. “I don’t like her. How do you know I like her?” He was also quick to give in. 

“You find a way to bring her into conversation every single time. Ask Yoongi.” 

He sighed dramatically, rubbing his his temples. “Well, that’s just great. Now she knows I’m 30. She knows I’m old!” 

“Shut up,” you scoffed. “She’s close to 30 too.” 

His head shot up. “You know her age?” 

“Yes. I know a lot about her.” You smirked, feeling powerful. “In the five minute conversation we had while I was inviting her, I found out way more than you have in the past three weeks you’ve been into her.” 

“I like to take my time.” He fumed. You were close to bickering, you could feel it. Hoseok said you were a butt-er in-er. You took control of things that weren’t your job. This was probably a classic example. However, this time around he relented. He wanted in on this info. He lowered his voice, leaning in. “What did you find out?” 

You shrugged, pretty nonchalant. If it wasn’t his birthday you’d make him pay you ten bucks for the facts. “Her surname. Her age. Where she was born. She prefers cats over dogs. LOVE that,” you exclaimed. Hoseok rolled his eyes, speeding you up with hand motions. “She’s only had one serious relationship in her life. Kinda like me. Although, who knows now that me and Seokjin are an item.” 

You found yourself easily on a tangent. Your relationship with Seokjin the biggest distraction in your life right now. Things were going amazing. Just over six weeks in and you were finding that domestic bliss you and your ex never had. 

“I don’t care about your life. I care about mine.” Hoseok rudely interrupted. “What else did you find out?” 

You glared at him but replied. “Not a lot after that. Bottom line is I love her. We’re a lot alike actually.” 

“No, you are not,” he insisted, a little bit of nausea in his face. You knew better than to get offended. “Hey, how did you find this all out in five minutes?” 

You tipped your shoulders. “People feel comfortable around me. They can open up, y’know?” 

He grunted in response, before his eyes widened in horror, thinking of something. “You didn’t tell her I like her, did you?”

“No,” you scoffed. “What do you take me for? An idiot?” The look he gave you was a yes. You rolled your eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders. “You’re going to tell her. Tonight. That’s why I invited her.” 

He swallowed, now looking scared. Talking to girls was never his forte. The last “relationship” he’d had since the big breakup had lasted four weeks. He had a lot to learn. You tapped his back encouragingly and he gave you a tight nod. Damn, maybe he really was about to get his flirty flirt on with this woman. You smiled at him and he looked around the bar one last time, shaking his head with a chuckle as he realised something. “God. You threw me a party at the bar I work at.” 

When would you ever win?! 

.

.

An hour later you were making your way back to the apartment. Hoseok in tow. You wanted to convince yourself it was because you could see the party wasn’t his style at all. You mean, you could see that, but the real reason you were in the elevator right now was because you’d been hit with another, even better idea. In fact, you wished you’d just thought of this first. 

“They’ll be fine back there. They won’t miss you,” you tried to reassure Hoseok, stepping out into the hallway. 

“Gee. That makes me feel so amazing on my birthday. Thank you.” Sarcasm all day, everyday. You didn’t deserve it. “Thank you for gathering a bunch of strangers to celebrate that I am one step closer to death.” 

See? It hadn’t been that hard to get him outside and convince him to walk you home because you were feeling a little lightheaded. It was like taking candy from he baby. Hoseok was dumb. 

“What happened to you?” You glared his way. “The guys always tell me you were so full of life before I moved in.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “I think you’ve answered the question yourself there.” 

You tutted, letting it go over his head. “Thirty is not bad, at all. I turned it a few months ago and I’ve just felt amazing ever since.” 

“You cried all day.” 

Goddamnit. “They were happy tears. Now,” you changed the subject, because yes, he was calling you out, but also he was pulling out his key, about to let himself in. You pushed him to the side, grabbing yours from your purse. “Just let me go do it,” you announced loudly. Almost like you wanted someone to hear you. “Just getting my key. Pushing it in the lock.” You continued the description. “Arriving home!” 

“What are you doing? What’s going on?” He was bound to be suspicious. You weren’t exactly being discreet. 

“Nothing.” You shook your head, now pushing the door open. 

“Nothing? I—

“SURPRISE!” 

Hoseok didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence, door swinging open to reveal the guys. Namjoon pushed forward to slip a ’30 Years Old’ banner over his head, and he had the audacity to glare at you. 

“I specifically said don’t make this birthday a big deal and instead you throw me TWO surprise parties in the span of a couple hours.” He was in disbelief. “Don’t you listen to a word I say?!” 

“This is a better one though.” You whined. “The one I originally should’ve planned. It’s just friends.” 

“Hi again,” a little voice sounded from behind Namjoon. 

“And Nara.” You grinned, watching Hoseok’s face light up a little. “See Nara came. I invited Nara.” Success. Namjoon had followed instructions. Get the woman into the apartment. 

Hoseok finally smiled at you, stepping inside the loft. “Nara came! Hi, Nara!”  You’d take that as his seal of approval then. This place was much better for getting to know her. He’d failed miserably at the bar, you wouldn’t allow it here. You were going to play matchmaker tonight. 

“Baby!” 

The sound of Seokjin’s voice in the hall distracted you, and you shrieked a little when you saw him walking towards you, dressed in all black. “Yay, Seokjin! You made it.” He hugged you straight away, landing a kiss on your lips. 

“We managed to get someone else in for the night. I escaped.” He cheered, still holding your waist as he turned his head towards Hoseok. “Happy Birthday, man.” 

“Thanks, Jin,” he smiled, before shooting a misplaced compliment. “You’re looking very handsome. As always.” 

You rolled your eyes, laughing a little as Seokjin pulled a confused face at you. “Ignore him, he’s already a little buzzed.” You still didn’t understand Hoseok’s obsession with your boyfriend’s looks. But the guy wasn’t wrong, Seokjin did indeed look very handsome tonight. As always. 

You glanced around the room, Yoongi and Joy had managed to put up some balloons and a banner in record time after you’d frantically text them the plan half an hour ago. Alcohol stood on the dining table, a few snacks in bowls. Definitely Joy’s doing. You clapped your hands. “Music please! Let’s get this party started!” 

The room erupted into cheers. 

.

.

“Okay, I have an idea,” you yelled into the room. It was over an hour in now. This party was popping, much better than the one happening in bar you bet. You were drunk. Not wasted or anything, but definitely merry. “Let’s play spin the bottle!” 

You’d already played Pass the Balloon, thinking of games from when you were a teenager in desperation as you tried to hook Hoseok and Nara up. The balloon one was going well until Namjoon and her had found themselves in some difficulty. Then it was just a wasted ten minutes as you watched them fail to give in. At least Joon was having fun though, it had been a while since you’d seen him have fun, let alone laugh. 

“We’re not in high school,” Hoseok grumbled from beside you.

Nara piped up from the kitchen. “I think’ll be fun.” 

“Yeah. Yeah. Cool.” Hoseok soon changed his tune. “I think it’ll be fun too. Cool.” 

“Great!” You took the bottle Seokjin had been drinking from and swigged the last bit much to his amusement. You hadn’t told him what you were up to yet, but he was going along with your crazy ideas anyway. He always watched you with fondness, which was sweet considering he also called you the wackiest person he knew. 

“Everyone, get in a circle and sit!” You ordered. They listened. You grabbed Hoseok just before he took off. “You, come here.” Dragging him out into the hall that lead to your bedrooms you tried your best to whisper. “Sit next to Nara.” 

“Huh?” 

God. Was he dumb? “I’m helping you here. Setting you up.” 

“I don’t need you to,” he exasperated. “I got this.” 

You knew for a fact he didn’t “got this”. “It’ll be your turn first, birthday boy n’ all.” You carried on like you hadn’t heard him. “Spin it ever so slightly.” 

“That’s so obvious.” 

“You want to make it obvious.” 

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine.” 

You smiled in triumph, grabbing him by the arm. “Remember: ever so slightly!” And with that you dragged him towards the circle. You were pretty feisty when you needed to be. 

“It’s Hobi’s turn first because he’s the birthday boy,” you told everyone as you pushed him down between Nara and Joy. You sat to Nara’s left; convenient to keep an eye on everything, plus you were next to Seokjin too.   

“It’s so cute how you call him Hobi,” Nara commented, leaning into you with a smile. 

“Oh, really?” You were a little caught off guard. “Everyone calls him that. No big deal.” You tried to think if that was true… You must’ve heard it from somewhere else why would you have started calling him that…?

“Are there rules?” Joy asked. 

“Yes! Rules!” You suddenly realised. You racked your brains. Hoseok and Nara couldn’t kiss in front of everyone. That would just be odd. Hm, maybe this was too obvious. “Whoever the bottle lands on, that’s who you kiss! But there’s a twist. It has to be in my closet.” 

“You got cameras in there or something?” Namjoon piped up, Nara laughed loudly. 

“No,” you said slowly. “Because it’s the biggest. You can’t come out until the deed is done.” 

“Isn’t that like seven minutes in heaven?” Yoongi asked. 

“Yoongi, just shut up and listen.” Why couldn’t people just be excited? You were trying to hook up their friend! “It’s not like that because I don’t want people having sex in my closet.” You nudged Nara and giggled. She slowly laughed back, a little confused. You caught Hoseok shooting you a look but ignored him.

“Kissing only,” you continued. “And we need photographic evidence.”

“What?” Hoseok sounded like he was about to run off any moment. 

“Just a quick pic,” you shrugged. If truth be told, you wanted Hoseok to have the memory of when you set him up with the girl of his dreams forever. That way he could always thank you. 

“Is the guy to girl ratio a little skewed?” Yoongi pointed out. “I’m not kissing Joon.” 

You ignored him. “TONGUES.” You shouted instead, clapping your hands. “Almost forgot to specify: tongues!” 

“I’m not tonguing anyone bar my girlfriend.” Yoongi was adamant. 

“Whatever.” You sighed. Didn’t he realise this wasn’t about him? You didn’t care who he tongued or didn’t tongue. It was about who Hoseok tongued! 

You stretched over and handed the bottle to him. “Hoseok, spin.” You were careful not to use your, no, the, nickname. There was nothing cute about it. 

“Okay. Kinda nervous.” He was practically shouting. If this was his way of trying to sound casual, he was failing. “Don’t want to mess it up.” Thinking about it, this was a very stupid idea. He was about to spin a bottle four inches to the left. You watched feeling a little sick. 

The sick feeling turned to one of horror in a nanosecond. You watched in slow motion as the bottle passed Nara. It wasn’t four inches, it was eight. He’d landed on you. 

“No.” Hoseok spoke into the room. The denial was strong. “No. No. Nope. No.” 

You could hear the room cheering. Yoongi laughing, saying something about how amazing this was. The game had backfired on you. But in truth you weren’t really listening, too busy having a minor breakdown. 

You looked at a Hoseok. “No.” He said it back. You looked around at everyone else, eyes wide. In denial and begging for someone to say you didn’t have to do it. “No. No. HA,” you forced a laugh. “I have a boyfriend. I can’t kiss anyone else.” 

“If you were going to make me kiss Joon, you’re kissing Hoseok.” 

“Baby, it’s just a game,” Seokjin chuckled, hooking his arm around your shoulders. “It’s fine.” 

“No.” You were adamant. “I would call that cheating. Wouldn’t you?” 

“I would.” Hoseok piped up. At least someone was on your side. No one listened to him. 

“Relax.” Seokjin rubbed the back of your neck. “Come here.” He dipped his head, capturing your mouth in a soft kiss before pulling away and winking. “That’s to remember me. Now get on in there!” 

The guy physically hauled you up. You perfect boyfriend had no problem with this. Damn him. Damn him for being so reasonable and laid back. Yoongi made a beeline for Hoseok. The glee on his face was pretty frightening. 

“To the closest! To the closet! To the closet!” The chanting wasn’t necessary, but it happened any way. Frog marched into your bedroom and pushed into the closet. Surrounded in pitch black before you reached for the light switch. 

“You overshot it,” you hissed. 

“I was under pressure!” Yelling in whispers was hard. “You do not know how stressful it was!” 

You groaned, rubbing your hands all over your face. “Don’t do that you look like The Scream.” Hoseok commented.

You shot him a look before stomping your feet and pointing a finger at him. “I can’t believe this. You were supposed to be in here with Nara!” 

“Why the hell did you sit next to her?” 

“I don’t know. To keep an eye on you!” In hindsight it was a very bad idea, but what would have happened if you hadn’t? Hoseok would be in here with Seokjin? That was even more weird! 

“You guys kissing yet?” Yoongi asked through the door. You could almost see his Lenny face. 

“Oh, god,” Hoseok muttered. He sounded faint. 

“Yeah. We did it!” You yelled back. You were getting you both out of here. “Was super wet. Hoseok has a freakishly long tongue. Yuck.” 

“Hey. No, I don’t.” 

“Send the pic. Did you take a pic?” Yoongi sounded way too excited. 

Shit. The stupid picture?! Why did you even come up with that rule… “Oh, would you look at that. I didn’t hit the button. Oh well, doesn’t matter,” you shrugged, moving to turn the door handle. It didn’t budge. Almost like someone was holding it shut. “Hey, let us out!!” You yelled. 

“No evidence, no escaping.” That was Namjoon. He sounded overly amused. 

“Namjoon!” You shrieked in surprise. You twisted and tugged on the handle, hoping you he would relent, give up so you could get the hell out of here. “Let us out. Let us out! I’m claustrophobic!”

“Kiss and take the pic!” Joy shouted. 

Joy?! That was it! Friendship over. Come to think of it, where was Seokjin? Maybe you could appeal to him. He’d give in surely. You were about to open your mouth when fresh chanting started. “KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!” It was so loud you swear you’d wake up with a noise compliant. But more importantly, you could hear Seokjin’s voice along with the rest. Goddamnit. You were really going to have to kiss Hoseok. 

You turned back to him, defeat on your face. He’d been oddly quiet since you’d tried escaping. “Let’s just do it,” he shrugged. 

“What?” You mean, you’d been planning on saying the same thing, but you’d thought it would take some cajoling. 

“Get your phone out. Let’s just get it over with,” he told you. “You want to get out of here, right?” 

“Okay.” You nodded, telling yourself it would be fine. “Yeah, we’ll just kiss. It’s no biggie.” 

“Nope, no biggie.” He stepped closer. You were suddenly sweating. It was really hot in here and you swear the floor was shaking because of how rowdy they were being outside. 

“Hey, remember when I saw your boob that one time?” Hoseok laughed. “It popped right out of your towel when you were talking to me as I brushed my teeth.” He made a popping sound to emphasise, his hand flopping from his chest in an unnecessary reenactment

That had actually been particularly mortifying for you. Especially seeing as it was only a month into living with the guys and you’d just flashed a boob accidentally. “What does that have to do with anything?” 

He looked at you, releasing his mistake. “It doesn’t. Just if I’ve seen your boob, I can kiss you.” There was no correlation at all. You wanted to point that out but now he was a few inches from your face. You were going crosseyed trying to look at him. “Okay, let’s do this,” he murmured. 

“Ew. What did you just do?” You startled, stepping back. 

“Huh?” 

“You licked your lips.” He’d licked his lips and moved forward. He was about to put his wet ones on your normal ones. 

“Of course I did. Do you want dry lips?” 

“Yes! I want dry lips,” you insisted. 

He pulled a face, more than puzzled. “These things can get pretty chapped, but ok.” Before you could say anything else he had his hands on your face, lunging closer with his eyes closed. 

“No. No.” You ducked from his grip, darting to the other side of the closet. Had it always been that small in here? You used to think it was massive. 

Hoseok sighed. “What now?” 

“You cupped my face. You did this thing with your eyes.” 

“What, closed them?!” 

“Don’t kiss me with your eyes closed.” 

“So you want to be staring at each other the whole time?” He thought you were crazy. Could tell by the tone of his voice. He exhaled, voice calmer when he spoke again. “You don’t want to kiss me, do you?” 

“Of course I don’t. It’s weird as hell.” You caught the look on his face. “Oh, come on. You cannot be offended. Does the idea of kissing me not gross you out?” 

“No, it doesn’t gross me out. That’s a bit drastic.” 

God, he was not guilt tripping you right now. It worked anyway. “Fine! Let’s kiss.” He looked startled, probably feeling dizzy by your back and forth. “C’mon. Kiss me, Jung.” He didn’t budge. You started chanting. It was the only way. “Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!” 

“Ok, okay.” He yelled over you. “Shut the hell up.” You continued. You always did like pissing him off. 

In a split second he was in front of you. “Come here.” His cupped your face again and you instantly shut up. Your eyes were locked on his, and in this pretty dismal lighting he looked beautiful. It made your insides feel funny. For a moment there you caught yourself puckering. You caught yourself actually wanting to kiss him, and then in the blink of an eye it was gone. Almost like it never happened. He murmured your name and pulled away, shaking his head 

“What?” 

“I can’t do this,” he admitted. “It’s too weird.” 

“Ha! See!” You were triumphant. “It is weird!” 

He shook his head again, chuckling quietly. “No, I mean… This is not how it’s supposed to go.” 

“What?” There was silence. He didn’t try to elaborate. “Supposed to go?” No matter how much you tried to make sense of that, nothing worked. “How’s it supposed to go, Hoseok?” 

“Forget it. I didn’t say anything,” he tried to backtrack. “It came out wrong.” 

“Hoseok.” He didn’t tell you. He just stared at you, unable or unwilling. “Hobi—p”

“You guys win.” You were interrupted as the door burst open, Yoongi grumbling like a giant baby. 

You blinked rapidly, not used to the bright lights. Everything felt a little weird, like you’d been in that closest for years. You walked out first, not looking behind you. You felt a little shaken up. You couldn’t explain why. 

Seokjin wrapped his arms around your shoulders and laughed. “We were sick of waiting.” He smelt of beer and his eyes were unfocused. You hadn’t realised before but he was drunk. Way more than you were. 

“Get back in the circle,” Namjoon ordered, leading the way. God, this game was still going to continue? You’d all be here until tomorrow morning. “You guys are spoilsports.” 

“What’s a little kissing among friends?” Yoongi piped up, which was rich coming from him. “Okay, Nara’s turn,” he said once everyone had gotten back into place. She took the bottle eagerly. “Spin it, girl!” 

You all watched it go. You totally forgot to pray it landed on Hoseok until it was too late. The room erupted into cheers and wolf whistles as it stopped and your heart sunk. 

“NAMJOON!!” Yoongi yelled. “Get it, Kim!” 

You shot Hoseok an apologetic look. 

.

.

“Hey.” You said, stopping by the sofa where Hoseok sat. “I’m sorry about tonight.”

It was a fewhours later, the party was over and you were in your pyjamas ready for bed. Seokjin was already tucked up on his side and you’d just gone to get a glass of water. You didn’t want a headache in the morning. You were surprised to see Hoseok still awake and in the living room. 

He shook his head, laughing a little. “It’s fine. I actually kinda enjoyed it in a strange way.” 

“You did?” 

“Yup. What better way to see 30 in. Trapped in a closet with you.” 

You laughed at his silliness, making your way over to the sink to fill up your glass. You gulped the water down, thinking to yourself. You didn’t care if he was just trying to make you feel better. You were still relieved he hadn’t totally hated it. There were worse people to be stuck in a closet with. You hoped. 

As you placed the now empty glass down a faint banging appeared. Like something hitting against a wall. It got louder and then slowed away. “What’s that?” You asked Hoseok, turning around and genuinely puzzled. 

“Oh, that,” Hoseok chuckled. “That’s Namjoon and Nara. He’s giving it to her good. Real good.” 

Your mouth dropped open, just as the banging re-emerged. Yes, it was definitely coming from his room. His headboard. Then the guilt kicked in. “Oh my god. Hobi, I’m so sorry.” How had this happened? How had you not seen the signs? It was pretty obvious now, thinking back, Nara had been totally into Namjoon. All that hushed talking, giggling and touching. The game of spin the bottle. That girl had rigged her own spin for it to land on him. Only she’d been a good shot. Hoseok on the other hand… 

Hoseok raised his hand, brushing your apologies away. “He asked for permission. He needs this.” Maybe so. This was the first woman Joon had shown an interest in after Sookie. Hoseok was too understanding.  “Besides, I oddly don’t care.” 

Or maybe not. 

“You don’t?” You instantly kicked yourself for prying. Prying and being nosey had been the downfall of this night. Yet here you were itching for more info. 

“Yeah, I just…” He trailed off and shrugged. “Maybe I don’t like Nara that much. It was just a stupid crush. No big deal.” 

You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to ask what made him change his mind so suddenly? Made him realise? But that seemed inappropriate. You nodded instead, letting him know you got it, and turned to leave. “Goodnight.” 

“Wait,” he called. “Hold up.” He jumped up and you turned to face him again, waiting like he’d asked. “I want to say sorry too. I made that weird. The game.”

“Oh.” The closet. The awkwardness had slowly disappeared through the night and now you had a sickly feeling it was about to come back. If the look on his face was anything to go by. 

“What I meant was,” he was talking slow, a little stunted. “If I was ever going to kiss you, it wouldn’t be like that. Because of some stupid game.” 

His words took a moment to process. Perhaps you had another hundred questions to ask but they seemed impossible. You should just take what he said and accept it. The game was over and you’d never play it again. You’d never get in a closet with him again. You felt strange, but you didn’t admit that. Instead you smiled. “Okay.” 

That feeling was creeping back. The one from the closet, when he’d been holding your face and staring into your eyes. The one where he’d looked so good under that weird yellow light. Hoseok was handsome, you’d always thought so, but in a way where you’d never actually thought of it, if that made sense… In that closet, you’d thought it. 

“Come on, I’ll walk with you,” he told you, interrupting the butterflies in your stomach. You walked side by side, down the corridor. Your rooms were directly opposite one another. Had you pointed that out before?  

You stopped when he did, forcing yourself to say something. It was just Hoseok. You talked to him all the time. You yelled at him all the time. And laughed, and fooled around. He was your friend. “I promise I’ll make next year’s birthday better.” 

He smiled gently, head tilted, voice soft. “You don’t have to promise me anything. Night.” 

“Goodnight, Hobi.” 

You made to turn, hand nearly on the door handle, but then he pulled you back. One hand reaching for yours, the other curling around your waist. Your mouths met in such a rush you didn’t realise until you felt the warmth of his tongue. It was passionate and eager. The kind of kiss you see in the movies, where no one comes up for air, where their bodies move on their own accord. 

There were no thoughts, just feelings. The feeling of how good this was, and how much it took your breath away. The feeling of his lips on yours and how you should’ve been feeling them a long time ago. The feeling of his arms wrapped around your waist, clutching you tight, and yours around his shoulders, holding him close. 

When you finally pulled away, no choice but to, you were trembling. Boneless. Hs breath fanned across your face and you were sad. You wanted more. You wanted to kiss him all night. Slowly, more deliberately, you pushed your lips against his, savouring the feel. He kissed you back just as softly before breaking away for good. 

“That’s how it would go,” he murmured. He was breathing heavily. “How I imagined it to be.”

And that he was gone. To his room, door shut. 

You stood there dazed, lips tingling and you brought your fingers out to touch them. There was silence all around you, and slowly, the haze began to lift. In its wake brought panic and guilt. Seokjin. Your boyfriend was asleep just behind the door.

What had you done? 

You got hardly any sleep. Your brain wouldn’t switch off. The guilt twisting your gut, even more so when you kept thinking of the kiss and how good it was, and how short lived it was. Seokjin centimetres away from you, clueless. You rose early. Everyone else was still asleep, the loft silent. Still in your pyjamas you poured yourself some cereal and sat on at the counter, munching away sombrely. 

Hoseok was the first to wake up. Of course. You should’ve just stayed inside your room, but you couldn’t bear to be near Seokjin. He strolled into the living room casually, making his way to the kitchen. You tried to ignore the way your stomach flipped because you didn’t know what it meant. Were you angry, panicked, something else? 

“Good morning.” He greeted casually. 

Angry. You were angry. It rushed up your body. How dare he be so casual. As if nothing had happened. “Seriously? Good morning?” You retorted. He was making himself a coffee. “What’s good about it, Hoseok? You kissed me last night!” 

He gave a little shrug. “I know I did.” 

You were flabbergasted by his gall. Had to force yourself to continue. “Well,” you stared at him. “Aren’t you going to explain yourself?” 

“I already did.” He spoke simply. “I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to show you how I would kiss you.” 

Nope. You weren’t feeling guilty over this any longer. Not when he was acting so unfazed. He was the one who had kissed you. This was his doing. And he didn’t care at all. “To what? Prove a point?” You demanded. 

He scoffed, dropping a teaspoon into the sink. “No, not to prove a point.” He turned to face you, back leaning against the counter. “I wanted to kiss you.” 

Your mind was beginning to reel. “I have a BOYFRIEND,” you said slowly, unable to keep a lid on your anger. “Who I had to sleep next to last night.” 

Right on cue, Seokjin came from around the corner, still half asleep and rubbing his eyes. You froze, feeling instantly sick. You hope he hadn’t heard anything. 

He hadn’t. He smiled when he saw you both, making his way over. “Morning, guys.” 

“Seokjin, hey,” you breathed, feeling a little trembly. You pushed your bowl away, not hungry now. You caught Hoseok’s eyes. 

“Morning,” he nodded, turning to look at Seokjin but averting his gaze. 

Seokjin leant down and kissed your cheek, rubbing your shoulder. “Did you sleep at all last night? You were tossing and turning like crazy.” 

You felt yourself panicking. You needed to cool it. “Ah, I think I was still pumped from the party.” You laughed lightly. 

Seokjin joined in. “You guys sure do know how to have fun. I think I’ve drunk more in these past two months than I have in my entire life.” You heard Hoseok gave the lamest laugh back. It sounded more like a scoff and you shot him a look.  

“Hey, wanna go to the zoo today?” Seokjin suggested. You’d been on about going for weeks now just hadn’t gotten around to it. “I’m not due at the hospital until tonight.” 

You forced yourself to smile. Hoped it seemed natural. “I’d love to.” 

“Perfect,” he grinned, reaching to kiss your lips. They twinged, and you remembered the feeling of Hoseok’s mouth. You were also very aware he was a witness to all this. You pulled back quickly. “Wanna shower first?” Seokjin asked. 

“No, it’s okay. You go.” 

You couldn’t bear them to be alone together. Hoseok was acting weird, you didn’t trust him not to tell Seokjin. As it would have it though, by the time you looked across at the counter, Hoseok was gone, already walking off back to his room. 

.

.

“What’s wrong?” You asked Seokjin as you made your way into your room. You’d showered straight after him. Gotten dressed in the bathroom because you did not fancy bumping into Hoseok wrapped in a towel. Even though you had many a time. 

Seokjin looked a little sad, you could tell by his face straight away something was up, and  delayed, you felt dread begin prick at your spine. What if Hoseok had told him? 

“Bad news. They need me at the hospital.” He sounded guilty that he had to let you down. 

While you felt instant relief. He didn’t know about the kiss and your guilty conscious was happy you wouldn’t have to spend all day together. You felt terrible at the realisation. Maybe you should just tell him what happened. But… not like this. Not today. You were a serial put-er off-er.

“That’s okay, it can’t be helped,” you told him, making your way over to the bed where he sat perched on. You rubbed his shoulder. You both liked doing that to one another. Thinking that made you sad. “I feel bad for you though. You haven’t had a proper day off in weeks.” 

It was true, Seokjin worked harder than any person you’d met before. You didn’t know how he did it. More sadness filled you. You couldn’t explain why. This time it wasn’t the guilt over the kiss, but something else. Everything had changed. 

“You’re cute,” he smiled. “I’ll be fine. Always am.” Those words stuck with you. “I’m sad we can’t go to the zoo. Rain check?” 

“Rain check,” you nodded, smiling slightly. 

“What will you do instead today?” He asked, before chuckling. “Hoseok’s here all day. Keep him company.” 

Your eyes widened. “You’ve been talking to Hob–Hoseok?” Damn that nickname. He didn’t deserve to be called Hobi. 

“Yeah, while you were in the shower.” 

Change the subject. “I think I may hang out with Joy.” It was the weekend after all, and Yoongi had work this afternoon and then he was going out for drinks with some coworkers. Joy would be free. “We can have a girly day. I could stay over maybe.” You were babbling. Trying to make this believable even though it wasn’t a lie. “Face masks, pillow fights, all that sleepover stuff.” 

Seokjin looked at you funny and laughed affectionately. “You’re really trying to relive your high school years, aren’t you? You’re cute,” he repeated. He always called you cute. He wrapped his arms around you waist, pulling you a little closer. “—and weird. That’s why I like you.” 

Yes. Sometimes you did think you were a little bit “too much” for Seokjin, but he always seemed so endeared by you. Usually this kind of talk made you happy, but you felt strange inside. Like everything was slowly dying. Seokjin kissed you, it didn’t bring you back to life.    “I’ll see you tomorrow night. Promise I’ll be free.” 

You forced yourself to smile. Any more and your lips would start aching. “Can’t wait.” 

He rubbed his nose against yours, voice low. “You can come over. Maybe we can play seven minutes in heaven…” 

You giggled, but in your mind you couldn’t stop thinking about your kiss with Hoseok. 

.

.

“Hoseok kissed me last night.” 

It was a few hours later, not even twenty four after the kiss, and you were finally telling someone about it. You weren’t built to keep secrets. Joy knew that. She knew you the best out of anyone. She’d been your best friend for over twenty years. That’s why it was her you told. Curled up on her sofa you blurted it out. No lead up, no ‘Hey, can I tell you something?’ Just straight out with it. 

She turned her attention away from the television, a look of confusion spread all over her face. “During the game or?” 

You breathed out. “After. Once everyone had gone home.” 

Her eyes widened, but she spoke slowly, as if she was trying really hard to understand. “I’m confused. Was it a drunk thing?” 

“I don’t know why he did it,” you admitted. If you had a solid answer maybe you could get your head around it more. “He said he wanted to show me how our first kiss would go.” 

“Hold up.” Now Joy had come to life. Still in shock, but needing explanations. “He imagined a first kiss? Does he like you?” 

“No,” you exclaimed, pulling a disgusted face. “It’s Hoseok. Me and Hoseok.” 

“Do you like him?” 

Was she crazy? “No.” But that sounded too mean. “Yes. I mean, of course I like him, he’s my friend.”

“Christ. He kissed you,” she muttered, shaking her head a little in disbelief. 

“I kissed him back.” Had you left out that minor detail? It was all very well saying Hoseok kissed you, but you’d let him, and you’d kissed him back just as hard. The memory had your insides feeling funny again. 

Joy looked a little in stunned. You didn’t blame her. You and Hoseok kissing? His mouth on yours, his hands on your body, his tongue in your mouth… You needed a cold shower. Where was your guilt now?! 

“What was it like?” She asked hesitantly. Curious. 

“Really good.” You couldn’t lie. And you couldn’t keep the truth in. You just needed to be honest with yourself. “I’m so confused. Joy, I cant stop thinking about it. I’m so mad at him but it was just so… It was just so hot. But out of this world. Like, I saw through time and space, and it was Hoseok doing it!” In what world did that seem realistic? He was your friend! 

“Damn, Hoseok has game.” Joy sounded half impressed. 

You sighed sadly. “I think it was the best kiss of my life but it can’t be because…” There she was. The guilt. She settled in your stomach, heavy and sickly. “Seokjin. I have a boyfriend. One who I’ve liked for the longest time.” 

You remembered how much you wanted to make it work with him while things were still just a hook up and how heartbroken you’d been when he’d told you he couldn’t give you that. How confused and kind of mad you were when he found you again and confessed his feelings and how happy you’d been when you’d given him another chance. When Hoseok had encouraged you to give it a try. Nothing made sense. Everything had changed after one kiss.  

“Are you going to tell him?” Joy asked. 

“I don’t know. I was going to forget the kiss ever happened but I don’t think I can do that,” you admitted. Seokjin deserved the truth, but selfishly, more than that, you couldn’t live like this, so conflicted. It wasn’t black and white. You’d kissed Hoseok back. 

“Just think it through, okay?” She told you gently. “If you tell him it’ll make things awkward. You’re friends with Hoseok. You live with Hoseok.” 

You didn’t think Joy got it. You didn’t think you got it. You couldn’t forget about the kiss. That’s why you had to tell Seokjin. “No, I should tell him.” Your voice was a little shaky. “I kissed Hoseok back. It wouldn’t be fair to blame it all on him. Seokjin needs to know.” 

.

.

You slipped through the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. You turned left, towards your bedroom and began creeping. It was past midnight but you still wanted to go as undetected as possible, praying Namjoon and Hoseok were in their rooms already. 

“Hey.” You winced when you heard Hoseok’s voice, freezing. “I was waiting up for you. Where were you all day?” 

You turned back slowly, trying to make your voice sound as neutral as possible. If truth be told, the last person you wanted to have a conversation with right now was him. “At Joy’s. I was going to stay over but Yoongi got drunk and she had to pick him up.” 

“You were going to stay over because of me?” He asked. You stayed silent and he sighed your name. “Look, I’m really sorry I did this. Made things awkward between us. It’s the last thing I want.” 

Your jaw tightened in anger. Then why the hell had he kissed you? “I don’t feel awkward. Do you feel awkward?” 

“I feel a little awkward.” He admitted, hands in his pockets. You stayed a few feet apart. “You left the house all day to avoid me.” 

“I’m not feeling awkward. I’m feeling…mad.” 

“Mad?” He had the cheek to sound surprised. “At me?” 

“You kissed me when I have a boyfriend.” You explained like you had to. “Did you not think of the consequences?”

He lowered his head, sheepish, yet he still didn’t apologise. “Are you going to tell him?” He asked instead. “Just don’t.” 

“What?” Your voice was low, anger rising. 

Hoseok shrugged. “Just forget it ever happened.” 

“Forget it ever happened?!” You exclaimed. “I can’t.” You shook your head, the memory of the kiss pushing its way back into your head. No. That wasn’t why. “I can’t lie to him. You’re asking me to lie to him?” 

“It’s not lying, it’s just not telling him something happened. He’s oblivious to it anyways.” 

“What the hell?” You couldn’t begin to explain why you felt so frustrated. So offended. “I can’t do this.” You voice shook. You were blowing up. “I was happy before last night. Like really happy, and now everything is ruined because you kissed me!” He stayed silent. You couldn’t read his expression. 

“Like jeez,” you laughed in frustration. “It doesn’t make sense, Hoseok. You were encouraging me to give him another chance and now what, you like me?” You mocked, instantly regretting it by the way his face fell. 

“Is that funny to you?” He scoffed. “Is the possibility I like you so hilarious you feel the need to laugh in my face?” Oh no. “Or are you laughing because it seems so crazy? Impossible?” 

You could feel the dread prickling your skin, but all you could do was watch him in horror. “I like you.” The way he said your name afterwards made something inside of you long. You pushed it away, because otherwise your legs might give way from under you. 

“I like you a lot. Way more than a friend and I don’t know for how long.” 

You couldn’t speak. Just watched him struggle to find the right words himself. “It-It’s just one of those things. You came into my life like a bulldozer and I kept thinking, how had I gone through nearly thirty years of my life not knowing you?” He scoffed. “It sounds stupid, but it’s true. Slowly I just began thinking maybe one day it’ll be our chance. It wasn’t urgent. Just kinda there in my subconscious. Most of the time I didn’t even think about it.” He shrugged. “I was okay with waiting. Okay with watching you date other guys because it wasn’t our turn yet. One day,” he sighed. “One day it would be, and I’d get to kiss you like last night.” 

The kiss was back behind your eyes. The feeling of his lips, the taste of his mouth. The touch of his body. For some reason you were angry. 

“That game messed it all up and I’m sorry for that, but I’m not sorry for kissing you. I won’t apologise for that.” 

“No.” You finally said something. It was final, but your voice shook. “No. You can’t be doing this right now, Hoseok.” You pointed at him, accusing him. “I’m happy. For the first time in a long time I was happy. I like Seokjin. He’s the first guy I’ve really felt something with since Seungwoo. Do you know how important that is?” He should understand that more than anyone, with what happened with Minah. 

“You expect me to throw it all away because one day you see yourself with me? One day?!” You were a goddamn after thought. One of those pacts friends made. If we’re still single at 40 we’ll get married. Was that what you were to him? You blinked away frustrated tears. He was one of your best friends and that’s how he saw you? 

“Oh, please,” he sneered. He sounded hurt, but mad. You’d never seen him angry before. You hated it. You’d bickered many times, but never to this level. “You’re always choosing shitty men.” 

“You’ve known me for a year!” 

“Yeah, and in that time it hasn’t been great,” he scoffed. You thought of the handful of men Hoseok had witnessed you date and cringed. He was judging you. Two could play at that game. Childish or not. 

“Oh, and you have such a great taste in woman. If I remember correctly, one robbed you after you slept with her!” 

“That could’ve happened to anyone!” 

Whatever. “Seokjin is not a shitty man!” He was kind, and sweet, and probably way too good for you. 

“You were his fuck buddy for weeks and when you told him you had feelings for him he ran away only to come back with his tail between his legs. He had his chance and he blew it. You deserve better.” 

“You were the one who told me to go for it!” You exasperated. He wasn’t making sense. He was the one who encouraged you to give Seokjin a second chance. Without Hoseok, you wouldn’t be together right now. 

“I regret that now. What more do you want me to say?” 

Really? You stared at him. “I want you to say you don’t know anything.” 

“I don’t know anything?” 

“Yes, you don’t know anything about anything.” He just said things, did things, without thinking of the consequences. He was thoughtless. “Seokjin might’ve been the one, but now it’s all ruined!” 

“He’s not.” 

Fuck him. He sounded so sure. What did he know? “It’s ruined because of you!” You shouted in frustration. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel.” All you could remember was the kiss. “I was happy and now I’m not.” 

“Well I’m sorry for making you unhappy,” he sighed. “That’s what I do.” He threw his hands into the air and laughed bitterly. “I’m sorry for thinking me and you could be something great. I’m sorry for not having my life together. Not being rich, or for not being devilishly handsome—which I may add,” he shot, “is freaky. No man should be that beautiful!” 

For god’s sake. What was he trying to do now? Guilt trip you? “What are you going on about? Those are your insecurities. I don’t care about all that stuff.” Was he trying to say you were shallow? 

“Of course you do,” he insisted. “Seokjin has it all. What do I have? Nothing. I’m 30 and work at a bar. I dropped out of law school and forget to shower some days. I don’t own my own home. I live in a loft with two other guys and you.” 

You? Why did he say it like that? For someone who supposedly liked you he wasn’t doing a good job of showing it. From the seems of things he didn’t like you. 

“Do yourself a favour and just don’t tell him. Forget about me and be happy. Fall in love with him, marry him, have tons of super pretty babies.” 

Jaw tight, you sneered. “This is why we wouldn’t work out.” You told him. “You’re childish.” He wasn’t relationship material. He wasn’t what you were looking for. “You’re selfish. You’re mean.” 

He scoffed. “I’m mean?” 

Your bottom lip wobbled, eyes filling up. “Yeah, you really are.” And then you stormed off. Down the hall and into your room. Just in time to hide the tears that slipped down your cheeks. He couldn’t see you cry. He couldn’t see he’d gotten to you. 

He yelled your name, calling you back, sounding regretful, but you didn’t listen and he didn’t follow you. 

The next morning you didn’t see Hoseok at all. He was either in his room when you finally emerged from yours, or he was already at the bar. You were thankful either way. You didn’t think you could handle facing him. You were still so mad, but more than that you were upset. Confused. 

You showered and got ready with a struggle. Forced yourself to go grocery shopping even though you had no appetite for food, and then you just tried to keep yourself distracted. You caught up with some marking that needed to be done by tomorrow, meal prepped for lunches and tried to seem normal around Namjoon who was milling about the loft too. Then Seokjin messaged your asking if you still wanted to hang out this evening. You replied yes with a heavy heart. 

On your way there you’d convinced yourself that you weren’t going to tell him. Yes, you had kissed Hoseok back, but he was the one that had made the move. You could forget about it with time. You could be happy with Seokjin again. Your guilty conscience would go. 

But sitting with him on the sofa, his arm looped around your shoulders and his soft laugh rumbling in your ears every time something funny happened in the movie you were watching, you realised something. The only reason you didn’t want to tell him was because you wanted to spite Hoseok. You were being selfish. The same thing you’d accused Hoseok of last night. 

Seokjin deserved to now, whatever the outcome. For him, for you, for Hoseok… 

“I kissed Hoseok.” 

It didn’t sound like your voice, but you’d said it. 

You felt Seokjin move and you automatically wriggled out from under his arm. He paused the movie, looking back at you with a bemused expression. “You kissed him?” He laughed slightly. “Why didn’t time say? We would’ve left you out sooner.” 

He’d mistaken what you meant. Just like Joy. You closed your eyes softly, sadness filling you. You wanted to say yes, in the game more than anything, just not to hurt him, but that wasn’t the truth. You’d kissed Hoseok off your own back and you’d enjoyed it. “No,” you said softly. “We kissed after the party. Later on when I went to get some water. He kissed me, but I kissed him back.” You didn’t take a moment to pause, needing it all to be out. 

Seokjin was silent as he absorbed the information. Shocked being a given. Finally he said something. “You kissed him while I was in the loft too? In your bed?” 

When he worded it like that you felt sick. You nodded sadly. “I feel terrible, Seokjin. I do. I just couldn’t not tell you. Hoseok said to forget it ever happened but I… It–We…” You fumbled over your words and took a moment to compose yourself. “We argued last night and I’m just… I’m really confused.” 

Two nights ago everything had changed. You’d been in this perfect new relationship. It had promise, it was going somewhere and you were over the moon. Then the kiss had happened and you hadn’t been able to see a future with Seokjin anymore. No matter how small. 

His face was unreadable as he looked at you. You wanted him to get mad. You wanted him to yell at you and tell you how much of a horrible person you were. You deserved it. But that wasn’t his style. Instead he breathed out some kind of little laugh. “There’s no need to be confused. I get it now. You like Hoseok. Of course you do.” 

You were too surprised to even think about refuting him. Of all the things for him to say, you had not been expecting that. “Seeing you guys together,” he carried on. “You always bicker, get on one another’s nerves, but now I see it.” He chuckled. Sadly amused. “It was chemistry. You two just bounce off one another so well. I don’t know, maybe you’re frustrated too, mad you’re not together.” 

You let his words sink in. Trying to think of every interaction you’d had with Hoseok since you met him. It was pretty much an instant connection. You’d always thought so, but did that really mean… You couldn’t let yourself think here. In front of Seokjin, after you’d just confessed to him. But everything was flooding to the forefront of your brain, and it was hard work trying to stop it. There was no point trying to deny it. Not now. 

“I never wanted to hurt you,” you told him instead. Meaning it sincerely. You hadn’t even realised anything yourself. Not even when it was right in front of you. When Hoseok was telling you he liked you. 

He smiled sadly. “Better for it to happen now, right?” 

“I really care about you, Seokjin. These past few weeks have been amazing. Even before, when we were…” You stopped and shook your head. “You’re the best and I’m really sorry.” You truly did mean that. No matter how lame it sounded. 

“You’re a really great girl, remember that,” he told you. “Maybe if I’d figured out my feelings months ago things would be different, but then again,” he shrugged, “maybe you’re just meant to be with him.” 

Meant to be with him. Hoseok. Were you meant to be with Hoseok? 

Seokjin took you hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m done,” he murmured, his eyes kind but firm. “I don’t want to be second best.” 

.

.

You had déjà vu. You were slipping through the door again. This time you didn’t try to creep into your room though. You made your way into the kitchen, needing a glass of water. Just to take some time for yourself, needing to find some clarity. You found it as soon as your eyes landed on Hoseok walking from the direction of the bathroom. Everything fell into place, began to make sense. 

He stopped dead when he saw you, awkward and probably panicked after last night. “Hey,” you said gently. “Where is everyone?” It was strange for the loft to be so quiet on a Sunday night. 

He cleared his throat. “Namjoon has Nara over, Yoongi‘s still over Joy’s place.” He was already beginning to walk away.  “I’ll be out of your way, just going to bed.” 

You opened your mouth to call him back. You had so much to say, but… But was tonight a good time to start? Your head was still whirring. Sadness and guilt over your breakup with Seokjin but you also felt giddy at the sight of Hoseok. You wanted to say sorry for the argument, for all the things you said, and most of all you wanted to tell him that you—

“Aren’t you supposed be staying with Jin tonight?” Hoseok had stopped, turning back with the afterthought. “Namjoon mentioned it.”  

He didn’t need to explain himself. You didn’t care how he knew. You didn’t care about a lot right now. Only one thing. “He broke up with me,” you replied. “I told him about the kiss and now it’s over.” 

Hoseok’s eyes bulged, visibly shocked. “What? Didn’t you tell him it was my fault?” He walked over to you. There was still a distance but it was a start. “No,” he muttered. “Why would he break up with you? It’s not your fault.”

Sweet, caring Hoseok. You smiled at him, the words that left you almost bubbling into a laugh. “It is.” 

He looked mighty confused. He was probably thinking you’d lost it right now. You hadn’t. You’d only just found it. You took a deep breath. It was now or never. “It’s my fault because I like you too.” 

Silence. He looked stunned. It seemed strange to say it out loud but also sort of invigorating. Nothing made sense in this world, bar one thing. Your feelings for him. You laughed, more words now rushing out. “I really like you. And I don’t know for how long. Maybe from the beginning,” you shrugged, “maybe from the kiss. I don’t know.” 

You’d been trying to pinpoint the exact moment on the ride home. Going through each memory you had with him in an attempt to understand when it happened. There was no real answer. It had snuck up on you, wanted you to be oblivious. And you think that was how it was for him too. Why last night had been so confusing. 

You were mad at him because you liked him too. You were mad at him because you thought he didn’t like you enough. He didn’t like you like he thought he liked you. God, you were a mess. Your thoughts weren’t making sense. What were you trying to say?

“I don’t know,” you repeated. “My head’s a mess and I really have a headache right now.” You rubbed your temples and then remembered something. “I also have a flat tyre. I think I drove over a nail on the way here. I don’t know how I’m going to get to work tomorrow morning.” 

“You could borrow my ca—

“Hobi, I don’t care.” You interrupted, laughing again. You felt funny, like you were floating. It felt good to call him that again. “I don’t care about anything right now, except you.” His eyes flashed at that, something changing on his face. He moved forward, closer to you. The counter was the only thing that separated you now. 

“I don’t understand anything and I’m really confused, but I know one thing,” you insisted, finally giving into the urge that had been raging your body for nearly two days. “I really want to kiss you.” You swallowed, tasting the memory of him. “Again. I can’t stop thinking about the kiss. It was the best kiss of my life.” 

He rounded the counter in the blink of an eye. He’d stayed silent for the majority of your confession, except for offering you his car, the idiot. You almost laughed again; why was he so sweet? Yeah, you would’ve laughed if he didn’t look so irresistible right now. So serious, so desperate, so intense. He was breathing heavily, almost panting, eyes blown black. 

“Can I kiss you now?” His voice was rough, broken with desire. 

You parted your mouth to reply. To say yes, to say please, to almost beg, but his lips were already on yours, hands cupping your face. Hungry, needy, eager. He pushed you against the counter your back was to, and you let out a gasp, maybe more of a moan. He took the opportunity to swipe his tongue against yours. He tasted like toothpaste. You hated spearmint, but now you loved it. 

You grasped him, letting your hands roam over his back. You wanted to touch him, feel him, never let him go. You grabbed the corners of his t-shirt with your fists and pulled him closer. He stumbled forward and your head feel back against one of the overhead cupboards. You didn’t care, clung to his mouth as he tried to pull back and check on you. “Don’t stop,” you whined against his lips. 

He chuckled but it trembled, probably had something to do with the way you were pressing your body into his. He gave up in the end, needing to get his hands on you too. He moved to your waist, hands gripping around the small of your back, holding you tight and pushing just as much into you, because he wanted to feel you against him too. To get as close as possible because there had always been a stupid, unnecessary distance between you. 

You felt hot, a little sweaty and out of breath, unsure how a kiss had got you this wrecked. It was just as good as his birthday—no, better. It was better because now you both knew what you wanted. 

“Hey—I know—this isn’t r-really the–mm–time,” Hoseok was trying to speak but he couldn’t stay away from your lips long enough. Words blurred and getting caught short, but you just kissed him more furiously. “But I really f-feel guilty about—last night. All the–the stuff I said–”

“It’s fine,” you got out, but it was enough to begin distracting you. 

He pulled back successfully, gazing at you, eyes warm and sincere. His breath fanned across your face. “I just feel really bad about all that stuff I said about Seokjin. He’s a good guy, I just—

“Let’s not speak about him now,” you interrupted softly. You took a deep breath, slipping your hands up his sides to rub his back. You were both coming down from that high slowly. 

He sighed weakly. “Yeah, I know, I just,” he paused, struggling, before giving a small shrug. “I was jealous of him.” 

“It’s okay,” you reassured. But now Seokjin was back in your head. The guilt was still there. Of course it wouldn’t go immediately, no matter how understanding he had been. But these emotions were conflicting. Plus, you knew you and Hoseok couldn’t be this simple. There was still so much to talk about. From both of you. 

“We need to talk before anything happens, right?” He read your mind. You smiled and nodded, feeling a little sad. 

And right at that moment a familiar banging appeared again. You caught Hoseok’s eyes and you both burst out laughing. Trust Namjoon to ease the moment.   

Hoseok pulled you upright, wrapping his arms around your waist now in a slight hug. You wrapped yours around his neck and he grinned. “We should go on a date tomorrow. We can talk then.” Your eyes widened. A date? Hoseok didn’t do dates. Not proper ones anyway. 

“I want to to this properly.” Again with the mind reading, you smiled to yourself. “I’ll take you out for dinner and we can, I don’t know, talk about what this means.” 

You grinned, Namjoon’s headboard still hitting the wall. “I’d really love that.” 

You were giddy all day. Couldn’t concentrate in work. You were still replaying last night in your head. After the kiss you’d watched some television together, like you always did on Sunday nights. You sat close, but not entwined, too afraid Namjoon would pop out of his bedroom—hopefully fully clothed. You couldn’t explain why that fear hadn’t been there when Hoseok had your back against the counter, but whatever, you weren’t ready for the weirdness that would unfold, nor the conversations that would need to be had. You hadn’t even talked it out yourselves yet. 

That was for tonight. Hoseok had text you just gone midday to tell you he’d gotten his shift for tonight covered and he’d booked dinner at a restaurant for 8pm. After that it had all felt too real. You were nervous, scared and excited all wrapped up into one. You were going on a date with Hoseok. Your friend Hoseok. The one who you’d bumped into this morning in the kitchen. The one who’d handed you a coffee with a shy good morning because he couldn’t say anything else with Namjoon rummaging around in the fridge next to you, totally oblivious. 

And later on, once you were home, getting ready for the date was a whole new experience all together. You know, living with the guy in question and all. You bumped into one another in the bathroom, brushing your teeth together with awkward giggles. He met you outside of your bedroom once you were dressed, eyes wide, cheeks a little flushed at the sight of you. Maybe the fact you were dressed up for him now turned him speechless. “You look beautiful,” he’d managed to splutter finally. 

He didn’t scrub up too badly himself. He was in a shirt for one. Loose at the neck, no tie, but a shirt nonetheless. And dress pants. Where exactly was he taking you? You didn’t have time to ask because you had to ninja your way out of the loft before you got caught. 

Dinner started off awkwardly at first. Stumbling over words, small talk drying up, lots of nervous laughter, but gradually you both found your groove. How could you not? It was you and Hoseok! All the history and chemistry you had didn’t just disappear because of one date. You were soon giggling together when you noticed a man accidentally walk into the women’s restroom. Childish, yes, but who cared? That’s who you and he were. 

By the main course you were both ready to open up, talk about you guys and what this meant. 

“I’m sorry about yelling the other night,” he apologised, pushing some spinach around his plate absentmindedly. 

You gave a little shrug.  “It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I was mad at myself more than anything.” 

“No,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Blame yourself.” He looked across at you. “You were mad because I kissed you when you had a boyfriend. I mean, it was a pretty dick-y thing to do and I feel really bad about it.” 

You smiled, that meant a lot to you. It was a complicated situation. The suddenness of it all the sole problem. 

You didn’t want to talk about Seokjin. You didn’t want to compare the two men, even though throughout the day your mind had tried to. In all honestly, both were very different, but both were good men. There was no winner, there was no loser. It just happened that you couldn’t ignore this chance with Hoseok. Not when he had been there first. Maybe looking at it now, you and Seokjin were different kinds of people. Maybe the relationship wasn’t as perfect as you’d thought. Not your perfect anyway. It could’ve worked out yes, but you knew he deserved someone better than you. Someone different to you. 

You realised something at that moment. Seokjin had always found your quirkiness adorable, but Hoseok found it normal. You didn’t know what that meant, but it made sense in your own head. It made you happy. You were here, in front of one another, on a date. Nothing else mattered.  

“If you hadn’t have done it we wouldn’t be here right now.” You told him. It was no good just thinking everything in your head. You needed to tell Hoseok some things. You wanted to tell him how happy you were. “On a dateee.” 

He laughed, relaxing into his chair. “We’re on a date!” 

He couldn’t quite believe it still. You laughed at how cute he was being and looked around. “You chose the fanciest place.” 

“Yeah,” he murmured, looking a little sheepish. “Did I go over the top? Feel like I did.” He stopped and then laughed. “I hope your heels aren’t too high, we gotta run outta here when they fetch the bill.” 

“Hobi,” you whined. He didn’t need to make a joke like that. Then you thought of something else. You hoped he didn’t take you here because he thought you expected it. Any restaurant would’ve done. “Hey,” you said softly. “I hope you don’t still believe all that stuff about you just being a bartender.” He shrugged a little sheepish. “I teach adults how to write fiction and I’m not too hot at it. Half of them are failing.” 

He chuckled at that, picking up his glass of wine. “I think the problem probably lies with them not you.” 

You looked at him, needing him not to laugh this off. You wanted him to see you didn’t care what job he had. “My point is, my job isn’t all that glamorous. It doesn’t have to be.” You thought he liked his job. It should never be used as something to separate you. 

He sighed softly, giving in. “I’m sorry I laid all that stuff on you. They’re my insecurities not yours. It’s just after… Just after the breakup with Minah. The stuff she said to me really stuck.” 

You reached for one of his hands, grasping is fingers. The warmth was all you needed. “I get that.” You still had some insecurities left over from your breakup with Seungwoo, but with Hoseok none of those things mattered. “I’m sorry for calling you childish, and selfish.” 

“And mean. Don’t forget mean,” he joked. 

“And mean.” You looked away sheepishly, before realising you needed to look him in the eyes for this. “I don’t want you to be insecure around me. I like you for you.” 

He chuckled quietly, squeezing your hand. “Thank you.” 

“I think it’s cool that you work at a bar.” You wanted to lighten the moment now, shrugging. “But maybe that’s because of the free drinks you give me.” 

He laughed, both of you pulling your hand back to carry on eating. “I’m actually not allowed to do that, but you’re so pretty how could I not?” 

You felt your cheeks flush at his casual remark. “You think I’m pretty?” 

“Very much so. Plus other things…” 

You smiled shyly. “I find you pretty too. Huh?” You noticed the face he pulled. “Is that not a good thing?” 

“I’m not pretty,” he baffled. 

“Are too.” You insisted. You’d always thought so, especially when he smiled. “I think you’re sexy too. Very sexy.” 

“Oh yeah?” He seemed to like that one better. “What’s so sexy about me?” 

You looked down at his wine. It wasn’t the right alcohol, but it made you remember something. “I like the way you drink beer. You gargle it a little.” 

“I do?” He looked puzzled. 

“Yeah, you do, and I don’t know, it’s kinda hot.” He looked chuffed at that. “What about me?” You added. 

“Hm,” he thought out loud. “It’s not really sexy, maybe a little misogynistic,” he laughed, “but I like when you struggle to open things. Like that bag of chips last week. When you ask for my help, I don’t know, it makes me feel good about myself.” 

It made him feel good when he opened a bag of chips for you? You awed loudly. “That’s so sweet, Hobi.” 

He scoffed, a little embarrassed. “Oh.” He remembered something. “I like when guys mistake me for your boyfriend.” 

You cocked an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? I like that too. And vice versa.” You had never been able to pinpoint why in the past. It was usually gone before you could even try to explain it, but it had still been there. Numerous times. You’d just been clueless. 

“Isn’t this scary?” You asked. It was new and exciting, and you were happy, but it was also weird to be here. Sat opposite your friend, your roommate… the man you had feelings for. The man who up until a few nights ago, had a crush on another woman. No wonder he hadn’t really cared when Namjoon asked if he could bone Nara. And he, well he was sitting opposite you, who up until last night had a boyfriend. Talk about whiplash. This was crazy. 

“It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done,” he admitted. 

“We’re like best friends, but is it because we’ve always had feelings for one another?” 

Hoseok upturned his shoulders. “I honestly have no clue. It makes sense, but…” 

“But at the same time it doesn’t?” You finished for him. He nodded. If he had never kissed you that night, then this wouldn’t be happening right now. Maybe it would’ve never happened. You would’ve kept missing one another. The moment never there for him and you probably oblivious until it was too late… 

But that wasn’t the case now. You were both here. Suddenly and maybe not in the best of circumstances, but you were here. That’s all that mattered. Was there really such a thin like between friendship and lovers? You tried imagining kissing Namjoon but couldn’t do it. It made you feel weird. Not the same weird you’d felt locked in the closet with Hoseok. 

“I don’t want to ruin what we have already but I can’t ignore these feelings I have for you.” Hoseok explained. “I’ve been repressing them for so long they’re uncontrollable.” He chuckled. 

“Same. I think.” You were beginning to realise that love didn’t have to punch you in the face immediately for it to be the real thing. “If I ignore how I feel about you I’ll spontaneously combust. I know it. I will.” These feelings had hit you full force and now you couldn’t ignore them even if you tried. 

He chuckled at your passion. “I don’t want you to spontaneously combust.” A thought popped into his head. “What will Yoongi say? Namjoon?” He groaned, rubbing his temples.  “What do we even tell them?” 

“Maybe we won’t tell them for a little while?” You suggested. You didn’t want to share this new, uncertain thing with other people just yet. The loft wasn’t the best set up in this situation. “Just until we work out what’s going on between us?” 

“Like keeping it a secret?” 

“I know it’s not ideal but I don’t want to mess this up.” He nodded, agreeing with you. “If we try and fail our friendship could get ruined. That terrifies me, Hobi.” You wanted to be honest here. All cards on the table. “I love you a lot. I don’t want to jeopardise anything.” 

“Hey, hey, nothing will get ruined, I promise you,” he reassured, reaching for your hand with both of his. “We’ll take it as slow as you want. This is new and if we do it properly then everything will be okay in the end.” He gave you a gentle smile. “Whatever the outcome. If we decide to move forward or decide to just stay friends, we’ll be okay.” 

Maybe that’s why you’d never realised your feelings for him. Why he’d never said anything. Your friendship meant too much to one another. If that was ruined somehow it would kill you both. But it didn’t have to be like that. If you both saw the potential danger, you could avoid it best you could. You shouldn’t be thinking of the potential end if it was only just the beginning. 

“You’re right,” you smiled back. 

Letting go of your hand he relaxed back into the chair again. “But for tonight, let’s think of this as a new thing. It’ll take the pressure off us.” 

“How do you mean?” You asked, curious. He had a giant smirk on his face. 

He shrugged. “Maybe we met on Tinder. Decided to go for a drink.” 

Oh. Okay, you saw where he was going. A little bit of make believe. That sounded fun. You and Hoseok always messed around like this. Why would it change? “Yeah,” you nodded, getting into it instantly. “We liked what we saw. I liked the way you dress.” 

He snorted. “You hate my dress sense. You told me I dress like a twenty year old hipster.”  

“I like it!” You insisted. You mean, in your defence you’d only said that because he’d said you dressed like a granny. He’d started it. 

“Thank you.” He was satisfied, you both could commence. “I liked your glasses. Reminded me of the librarian kink I had in high school.” 

“Eww.” You wrinkled your nose. “Weirdo.” You both laughed loudly. 

.

.

“Goodnight, pretty lady. I’ll see you in the morning,” Hoseok murmured. The night was over, the loft was empty, the guys probably already in bed, when you got back and you both walked down the hallway to your rooms, stopping outside to say goodnight. 

“Lame,” you scoffed, but he could tell by your face you loved it. “Night.” 

He leaned in for a kiss. It seemed like he was trying to keep it brief, nothing like last night or two nights before that, but no matter how hard he tried, it lingered. It was painful pulling apart and walking into your bedroom. You knew he was trying to be chivalry, and patient, and whatever else, but there was an itch inside you that screamed to be relieved. 

You pressed the back of your head up against the door, closing your eyes and taking a few breaths. Praying the desire you felt would ebb away. You heard movement from the other side. 

“Slow, we should take this slow.” Hoseok almost whined from outside.  

You opened your eyes immediately and flung the door open. You were on him in an instant, kissing him eagerly. Thankful your rooms were the other side of the loft from Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s. There would he no explaining this, and you didn’t want to share this with anyone else yet. Not to be careful, not just in case, like you’d originally thought, but because you were selfish. You wanted Hoseok for yourself. 

“I really want you. Like so bad,” you panted, hands all over his body. You wanted him out of his shirt. Out of his pants. Thoughts and images jumped into your mind. You were a woman possessed. “I’ve waited too long already. Please.” 

“Don’t beg like that.” His voice was so low, maybe even a growl, and it did things to you. 

You didn’t want to take this slow. Everything was already perfect. No matter what had happened to get here, it was all perfect now. 

You couldn’t wait a moment longer. You needed to be with him. 

“Pleaseee,” you said purposefully. 

He growled this time. For real. “I said don’t–ah, fuck it!” You exclaimed out loud as he picked you up from the middle, legs dangling alongside his as he walked into your room. He let go and cupped your face tight. He was breathing heavily. “I really want this, I really like you. I’m sure of it. Now that this is finally happening. Now I finally had the guts to make a move. This is for real.” 

You blinked. “Forreal for real?” 

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Never been more certain of anything in my entire life.” 

And then he was kissing you again. You never wanted it to stop. With shaky hands you took his and began to lead him backwards towards your bed…

*bonus* 

“Morning,” Hoseok smiled from above you. 

You’d only just woken up, eyes still blurry, but you rubbed them and rolled onto your back. “Good morning,” you smiled back. 

He rubbed his hand over your waist under the covers, now grinning like he couldn’t stop it. “We did that.” 

You were still naked. So was he. What a thought. “We really did that.” 

“Twice.” 

You hummed, reliving last nights antics. It was just so natural. The sex you mean. No awkwardness, no nerves. It was just…perfect. Giggling and messing around, just like you were as friends. Nothing had changed. Only now you were probably going to be bumping uglies on the regular… It was only right to make a new suggestion now. “Wanna make it a third?” 

“Thought you’d never ask,” he laughed, dipping his head to kiss your neck. You let yourself sink, closing your eyes and enjoying the moment until you remembered something. 

“Wait, wait—!” Your eyes flew open. “What’s the time?” 

Hoseok stopped and looked back, craning his neck to catch the time on your alarm clock. “Twenty past 7.” 

You groaned. “I have a class in 2 hours.” 

“Uhh,” he started awkwardly, pecking your lips. “This is new n’ all but I don’t want to get your hopes up so early into this. I will never be able to last two hours. You’ll be fine. You won’t miss class,” he chuckled. 

“Shut up,” you groaned, kissing him just to roll him on his back. The thought of leaving this bed today was depressing. “I’m just going to call in sick anyway.” You told him, pulling away.

He stroked his fingers through your hair, smirking. “Oh, a bad girl, huh?” 

You narrowed your eyes. If he wanted you to be bad, you could be bad. “Get a condom, Jung.” 

#hoseok fic #bts fic #hoseok fanfic #bts fanfic #floralseokjin:writings #fic:good2me

[rockandroobuckaroll]

Shyan Mafia Au - Chapter Two

I was very excited to write this chapter, less so when it came to proof reading. It’s a long one haha

Thanks to everyone who said they enjoyed the first chapter, I hope this story lives up to your expectations!

There was a pounding in Ryan's head as he slowly regained consciousness, pain splitting across his temple and tapering down his spine. He pulled his head up with great effort and winced, opening his eyes slowly to see that he was tied to the spare chair he was intending on using against 'Legs' in case things went wrong with the metal pole.

Now he was tied up just like 'Legs', bound way too tight against something that was giving off heat. For a moment or two Ryan's panicking mind thought maybe he woke up just as he was being tortured, probably set on fire to leave no evidence behind. No one would find him if he was just ash and bones. The somewhat underused rational side of Ryan's mind informed him that it would probably hurt a lot more if he was, in fact, cooking like a shrimp that fell under the grill at a barbeque.

After further inspection Ryan found that the heat source also gave off the faint smell of alcohol along with a musky aftershave he was pretty sure he owned at home. It was also moving, Ryan flinching forwards as his head collided with whatever it was, groaning as the pain in his skull amplified considerably.

"Come on, man, you've already knocked me out once tonight. Please try not to do it a second time." It was 'Legs' and he didn't sound overjoyed to find Ryan bound against his back, his voice still sounded groggy, however now it seemed to be mixed with strain.

"Oh great..." Ryan wasn't too thrilled either though he was more concerned with the pulsing running through his skull with every frantic beat of his heart. "God, my head's killing me!"

"Yeah, feels like shit, doesn't it?" He muttered sarcastically to Ryan, spitting out blood afterwards as if to prove some sort of point. It didn't travel very far, in fact it pitifully just dribbled down his chin and landed straight in his lap. "That was supposed to look more badass." Ryan couldn't see what he had done so he wondered who he was talking to, though he assumed whoever had knocked him out was stood behind him and in front of 'Legs'.

Ryan tried his best to ignore him and instead took to looking around the room. Things were mostly how he left them, though he couldn't help but notice a dark patch on the floor beneath the two chairs. It didn't take a genius to recognise what it was, the glisten coming from the reflection of the bulb above them showing hints of a deep red - the same red that was stained in Ryan's mind. He closed his eyes and looked away for fear he would be sick if he looked at it any longer.

There wasn't much blood and it was closer to 'Legs' than it was Ryan but it still gave him a sinking feeling in his stomach as reality came crashing upon him. He was going to die here. He came here on a job that he knew could very well kill him, but he'd almost managed to pull it off; now thanks to his own carelessness he'd managed to get them both killed by some third psychopath. If only Ryan had remembered to lock the door.

"Good to see you awake, Ricky. Bloody Mary sends her thanks." A voice Ryan didn't recognise cut through the silence.

"Bloody Mary?" Ryan hadn't heard of that name before. "Wait, how do you know my name?" It dawned on Ryan that he may have been tracked from the second he landed in New Orleans, he hadn't exactly been careful.

"Me and Roberto had a lovely chat before you woke up." 'Legs' informed him. "I told him everything I know - which is nothing at all, so if you wouldn't mind letting me go now. I promise I'll forget this whole thing-" A gunshot pierced Ryan's ears, startling him so much he raised a good few inches off his seat. He saw the sparks fly off the wall in front of him: a warning shot.

"I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut?" The man sounded way more intimidating than Ryan could ever hope to be. Ryan assumed just talking in a smooth, low voice would be enough but evidently not. "You really don't shut up, do you?"

"That's what I've been saying..." Ryan scoffed under his breath.

"You got something to say, Ricky?" Ryan's whole body tensed up and his eyes widened. He hated how he found himself leaning back into 'Legs' slightly, as though being closer to him would give him comfort - it wasn't like he had just been trying to kill the guy or anything.

"No, sir!" Ryan's lip quivered as he spoke; he hadn't been this scared since the night his family died. "Sorry, sir!"

"Wow, you're such a tough guy." 'Legs' remarked, helping to ground Ryan in the strangest of ways. He found himself focusing on how someone could be so calm after having two people come for his life in the same night; the guy was tied to a chair and had a loaded gun pointed at him for fucks sake! It also helped him to think through the situation carefully, assess his best way out of this with his person still intact. "I can't believe this is the guy that brought me here! Can you believe this shit, Roberto?"

"You came here of your own free will, 'Legs'." Ryan reminded him in a shaky tone, terrified of the reality that he could get shot any second but still wanted to defend his honour.

"Yeah, 'cause I thought we were gonna... ah, y'know what, maybe we shouldn't discuss this in front of Roberto" 'Legs' cleared his throat, adjusting his position in his seat which caused the ropes to dig further into Ryan's chest.

"Stop moving around, asshole!" Ryan retaliated by nudging him with his elbow. It didn't hit very hard due to him not being able to move much but the satisfaction it gave Ryan was unmatched.

"I don't get paid enough for this shit... also I don't know where you got Roberto from, that's not my name. That's not even my nickname!" The man ranted, stalking around the two of them and entering Ryan's view so he could finally get a better look at him. He looked way too cliché for Ryan's liking, it was far too tasteless. He had the typical black suit, buttoned neatly with a grey tie beneath it and shoes that were shined so hard Ryan could see his own reflection in them. He had a red handkerchief folded neatly and peeking neatly out of his blazer pocket and, of course, he was wearing a fedora. Ryan felt this guy was trying to sell the look too hard, it was almost embarrassing to look at although as a person he wasn't that bad looking.

It took for Ryan to have the guy's pistol placed under his chin to stop judging his fashion choices and pay attention to what was happening. "I don't know what you're doing here, buddy, but you're getting in my way." He threatened, "We've been after 'Legs' for months... we finally get him right where we want him and you show up out of nowhere? Who are you, really? You from Chicago like him? Jersey maybe?"

"I'm not telling you anything!" Ryan only wished he sounded braver and not like a kid who'd lost his mom at a theme park. "Look, I was here to get rid of him too. We're on the same team here."

"Wow, thanks for having my back, pal." 'Legs' laughed to himself at his stupid joke - if he could even call it that. "Get it, 'cause you're-"

"Oh my god, 'Legs' shut the fuck up!" Ryan had his eyes closed as the man pressed the gun into his skin. "How the fuck are you making jokes right now? What is wrong with you?"

"Tell me what you're doing here and I'll think about letting you go." The man bargained, Ryan considering it. Selling out the mob of his home town wasn't something he could get away with easily. "If not... your brains'll end up painting the back of this guys big head."

"My head is proportional to my body I'll have you know." 'Legs' had a specific tone to his voice as if he'd had the conversation before. "It's not easy being this tall you know!"

"Can you please stop being so fucking casual about this!" Ryan practically begged 'Legs' to shut up, the comfort his stupid comments had once given him no longer there to protect him now that there was a loaded gun under his chin.

"You get used to this kind of thing, Ricky." Having his life threatened wasn't something he wanted to get used to. For the whole trip to New Orleans he had been questioning his decision to actually join a group of people known for their dangerous lifestyle. He knew his logic was flawed and that it was a reckless move, but he was desperate. In hindsight he knew that he really should have just took the plunge and reintroduced himself into the world, slowly reuniting with friends and family and maybe even his therapist. The mafia really should have been the very, very last resort.

"You better get used to talking too or else you'll have to get used to being dead." The man rushed Ryan for an answer.

"Okay... okay. I was sent here to kill him. I haven't been told what exactly for, but apparently he's been getting in a lot of people's bad books." Ryan tried to be as vague as possible, not wanting to give away the names of those who sent him. "I'm uh... I'm a hitman, I'm just here to take care of business, get paid then I'm out of here." Another half truth.

"Believable." 'Legs' muttered, Ryan losing his temper with him.

"Oh my god, dude, shut the fuck up!" Ryan attempted to elbow him again, putting his whole body weight into it. The result ended up with the two of them tumbling to the side, landing with a thud on the cold concrete floor.

"Fuck." 'Legs' winced, seemingly taking the blow harder than Ryan; although given that Ryan's face was now resting in a small puddle of blood he correctly assumed 'Legs' was pained for another reason. The both of them sighed at the same time, Ryan to steady his nerves and 'Legs' to ease his pain.

"You okay?" They both asked each other on instinct. There was a silence in the room for a second, nothing but the sound of a very aggravated mob guy at his wits end with the both of them. Any second now Ryan assumed he would get fed up with trying to get answers out of them and just shoot them both.

"Did you just ask me if I was okay?" Ryan couldn't believe 'Legs' was still considering his wellbeing, although his response wasn't as shocked as Ryan's was, in fact he sounded rather furious.

"Don't fucking ask me if I'm okay when this is all your fault!" He spoke through gritted teeth.

"Man, if you'd have just shut up I'd have killed you by now! You wouldn't be suffering right now! This is on you!" He knew that wasn't true, this was all on Ryan, but it felt good to release all his adrenaline out on someone.

"Can you both shut up?" The mob guy crouched down and held his gun in Ryan's face.

"Why don't you just hurry up and get on with this, you walking cliché?" So Ryan wasn't the only one who thought the guy was trying too hard with his outfit.

"Cliché?"

"Yeah, the outfit is a bit much." Ryan joined in, unable to help himself. He should have known better, he really should have but there was something about hearing the pain in 'Legs' voice that made him want to cheer him up just a little; Ryan wasn't doing a good job of convincing himself that it was guilt that was motivating him to wind up the guy with murderous intent.

"This suit was expensive! You two are-" The man stopped as his phone started ringing. "Don't you two move." He warned, firing another warning shot near Ryan's head, the shot so loud it made his ears ring. Ryan's eyes were squeezed shut so he couldn't physically see what was happening but he could just about make out the sound of the man answering his phone and walking up the stairs, locking them in the basement.

"He's just gonna leave us here? What now? What if we're down here forever? I'm not starving to death down here and no way I'm resulting to cannibalism!" Ryan panicked, writhing around on the floor to try and get free of his bonds.

"Calm down, Ricky." 'Legs' kicked him. "Listen to me, you've got to untie me. Look over there, he kicked your gun under the boiler. If we can get it, we can get out of here... but we've got to work together."

"Yeah, no fucking chance." Ryan scoffed. "The second I untie you you're gonna grab that gun, blow a hole in my brain and be on your merry way."

"Ricky, we're literally tied together. When you untie me you're untying yourself."

"Then why would you suggest that I had to be the one to untie you?" Ryan couldn't trust him, there was no way anyone would trust a man like him. "How about you untie me?"

"We don't have time to argue about this, dammit!" He snapped, seeming desperate. "Look, I'm in no shape here to be putting up a fight anyway. If you wanted to overpower me you could in an instant... even if I don't believe for one second that you're some fucking hitman. No way, you're way too unprofessional."

"Oh give me a break, this is my first job!" Ryan rolled his eyes, moving his hands to try and find the knot that was between them. He yanked on 'Legs' fingers at first, resulting in another kick, though eventually he managed to find the knot. It took him a while but he finally loosened it to the point the two of them could break free. Ryan immediately rushed to grab the gun, checking to make sure it was still loaded before turning back to 'Legs'.

Ryan froze when he laid eyes on his face, his jaw falling slightly slack. 'Legs' face was bruised, his eye swollen slightly and his lip was split, straight down the middle. He had blood running out his nose, down into his mouth and onto his chin: he looked like he had just had a run in with the killer in a horror movie. He was also on his hands and knees, his right arm keeping him stable on the ground whilst he clutched his stomach with his left... Ryan certainly didn't do this to him when he had the chance. That guy upstairs really was going to kill them if he saw they were free.

"Get up, come on." Ryan had a plan. Hide beneath the basement stairs, wait for the man to come back down then shoot him at the first chance he got. This wasn't like the concept of shooting 'Legs', 'Legs' didn't act like the killer he was, he had been a complete jackass to him as soon as Ryan betrayed him like he had, but that was only fair. That man upstairs was a stone cold, calculated killer, not some idiot in a flower shirt who just wanted to have a good night.

Ryan's hand still shook as he held the gun: it still didn't feel right being held in his hand. He knew he would have to shoot this man, he would have to join 'Legs' in becoming a murderer... but he feared that even with his life at risk he didn't have it in him.

"I don't think I can." 'Legs' was struggling to even speak, his teeth gritted together and his eyes were closed as though he was trying to meditate his way out of pain.

"He's gonna come back any second now, move your ass!" Ryan's fear was causing him to be harsh, but he knew there was no point in sugar-coating the situation. "Come on!" Ryan grabbed his arm and pulled him up, 'legs' leaning against him heavily and doing his best to keep up. Ryan shrugged him off his shoulder and took a steady breath, hoping the shake in his hands wouldn't throw off his aim. "I don't know if I can do this... can't you kill him? You're the fucking expert or whatever."

"Ricky, I can barely stand right now, much less perfectly aim and shoot someone." He had a valid point, even if Ryan had trouble accepting it.

"'Legs' I really don't think I can do this." Ryan was starting to panic. "Can't I just... wait!" He pointed to the metal pole that had been dropped casually in the middle of the room. "That thing I can use!" He tucked his gun away in his belt, opting for his trusty metal pole instead - even if it had been used against him that evening too. That only meant one thing to Ryan however: it hurt like a motherfucker.

The door opened far before Ryan was prepared for it, his heart sinking to the shrill screech of the metal scraping against the concrete. Ryan felt a hand on his shoulder, 'Legs' breathing sounding heavy; he couldn't tell if the guy was just nervous (though he doubted that given how nonchalant he had been about having a loaded gun being pointed at him) or about to pass out. Ryan certainly felt a mixture of both, he felt nauseous and dizzy from the fear alone.

The sound of the man coming down the stairs sang in sync with the pounding of Ryan's heart, drumming adrenaline into his body that he could hopefully use to knock the guy spark-out. The man seemed furious that the two had managed to escape, cursing under his breath and pulling his gun out. The sight made Ryan's blood run cold but he knew it was now or never: if the guy saw them first it would be all over.

He took a few cautious steps forward, sneaking up behind him and trying to hold his breath to be as silent as he possibly could. He had the pole raised, ready to strike when the man turned around. Ryan had never moved so quick in his life, jumping to his left whilst swinging the pole like a baseball bat. He connected with the back of the guys head just has he pulled the trigger. He didn't fall quite as quickly as 'Legs' had, instead stumbling forward a few paces before dropping down.

"I did it... holy shit! I did it!" Ryan wasn't so sure it was something to celebrate but his neurons were firing off in every direction, he couldn't contain it. "Did you see that!" He turned to 'Legs' who was now on the floor, clutching his thigh as blood pooled under his fingers.

Ryan looked down at the man he had knocked out, at the gun that lay at his feet. He did the smart thing and picked it up, putting the safety on and storing it in his belt with his own gun. He then looked back up at 'Legs', the guy who was supposed to be long dead by now at his own hand. If he left him here there was no chance he could get out, his leg had a hole in it now and he could barely even stand before. Ryan could just shut the basement door, lock the two men down there and leave. They'd probably kill each other and Ryan wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

The light coming from the lobby upstairs beckoned him, Ryan answering its call and approaching the stairs, looking through the gaps at 'Legs' who was trying to pull himself up. The second he made eye contact Ryan's plan suddenly had a moral dilemma attached.

"Don't go... please!" He begged, struggling to drag his body closer to Ryan - to the stairs and the only way out that he now guarded like Cerberus. "Come on, man, this guy's gonna kill me!"

"That's your problem." Was the most cold-hearted, badass thing Ryan could think of in the moment before he started walking up the stairs. He reached the top and hovered his hand over the handle of the door. All he had to do now was shut the door and lock it... 'just walk away Ryan, pretend this never happened' his mind reminded him of his plan.

'Legs' had managed to pull himself to the bottom of the stairs, cautiously glancing over at the unconscious man in the middle of the room. Ryan looked down at him, looking into the same eyes that crinkled into thin lines when he laughed earlier, the same eyes that had been a calming presence when he was having a panic attack at the diner. One of those eyes was now swollen and the other had a glint of terror Ryan recognised in his own eyes every time he looked in a mirror. This was all his fault: he'd caused this.

Being alone all his life had kept him alive. Having no ties to anyone had kept him safe. This guy would put him in more danger than he'd ever been in his life if he helped him out here; he could prevent that by simply closing the door and walking away... but Ryan couldn't just leave him there.

"Dammit." He groaned, rushing back down the stairs, grabbing 'Legs' roughly and pulling him up, the taller of the two yelping and gripping onto Ryan to steady himself. "One step at a time, but you've got to be quick. He's gonna wake up any second."

"Shit..." Was all 'Legs' mumbled, wobbling about on the spot.

"Hey man, you pass out on me and I leave you here." Ryan moved up the first step, 'Legs' slowly following him. It took them a while, each step agonisingly slow for the both of them, but eventually they made it to the top, 'Legs' panting heavily as Ryan sat him down on one of the sofas in the lobby. "Wait here."

Ryan locked the basement door, using the metal pole to secure it and one of the sofas to blockade it just to be on the safe side. He dusted his hands off and approached 'Legs' again, holding his hand out so he could use it to pull himself up.

"Come on, I'll take you to a hospital. It's the least I can do." He offered though it was quickly turned down.

"You heard that guy, he was sent by Bloody Mary... If she's after me then the hospitals aren't safe. She'll find me there. She'll come for you too now, Ricky. We're gonna have to stick together on this one." That certainly complicated things, the two of them didn't exactly get along after Ryan tried to murder him. This Bloody Mary woman also sounded like a big deal, she was probably a higher up, a boss or at the very least an associate of the New Orleans Mafia's boss. Ryan had never even heard of her, his own ties to the mob not warning him about her before flying him out here. "There's a hotel on the edge of town, the owners are real nut jobs who believe in ghosts and shit. Bloody Mary wont go near the place, she's got a thing for respecting spirits... we can hide there for now."

"You're going to bleed out, man. Isn't there some shady black market surgeon I can take you to?" It was worth a shot, granted 'Legs' had the ties of course.

"Yeah, 'cause I look like the kind of guy that keeps company with people who steal kidneys." He glowered, resting his head in his hands as he sighed. "I'm fine, I swear. I just need to clean it out and get some rest."

"Okay... okay, you win." Ryan gave in. "But are you going to be alright to give directions? No offence man but you look like shit. Are you're about to pass out?" 'Legs' pulled a series of expressions that tried to seem flippant and he waved it off with his hand.

"I'm fine. Big tough guy like me? This is nothing." Ryan would have to have been an idiot to believe him.

"Oh yeah? Let's go then." He took his offered hand back and walked over to the front doors. "Come on, flower shirt, thought you said this was nothing?" Ryan did think it was a shame that the shirt that suited the guy so well was probably stained forever and would have to be thrown away.

"Ricky, I literally have a hole in my leg." He reminded him, "You want to try walking with a hole in your leg? Give me one of your guns and let's find out if you can do it."

"Not a chance. Just because I saved your sorry ass doesn't mean I can trust you enough to give you a gun." Ryan walked back over to him, crouching down in front of the sofa. "But, just this once and I mean it: just this once... climb on my back." 'Legs' seemed somewhat taken aback by the offer.

"You do realise you're, like, three feet shorter than me, right? Can you even carry me?" Even now he was cracking jokes, Ryan was still considering the possibility that there was something seriously wrong with his brain. He wouldn't admit there was a sort of charm to how carefree he was though, he just liked to think it was because he saw him as a parallel to himself, he was just envious of him, that's all.

"You really are insufferable, you know that?"

"I know." He slid forward and wrapped his arms around Ryan's shoulders, Ryan hooking his arms under 'Legs' legs. "Most people say that about me."

"I can't imagine why." Ryan's words were laced with sarcasm. "Alright, then. Let's go."

'Legs' had managed to keep himself awake as he guided Ryan through the back streets of New Orleans, pointing out where to go at every turning whilst growing heavier and heavier on Ryan's back. He felt a little bit of pride for him to be able to fight off unconsciousness for that long, it was quite frankly impressive!

They arrived at the hotel about half an hour later, 'Legs' climbing off Ryan's back and keeping his head down as to not look suspicious. Ryan had a better idea and left him outside however, only booking a room with one, single sized bed so it would be on record that he came here alone. He liked to think he was playing it smart, but it also dawned on him that he would now have to spend the night with the guy who couldn't shut up with stupid jokes. Either that or he could just ditch him there.

Not to mention, as 'legs' had briefly mentioned: the hotel was supposedly haunted. Ryan believed in ghosts, he'd been scared of them all his life yet had always been fascinated by them. He'd never once stayed somewhere that was haunted, not even by coincidence; so when he saw the name of the hotel, being the Dauphine Orleans Hotel he felt a cold shiver down his spine. He had read about this place online, about how footsteps could be heard in vacant rooms and shadows moved around on their own. To say he was nervous about staying the night there was an understatement.

As he made his way back outside and towards the rooms he spied 'Legs' sitting against the same wall Ryan had left him at, his head leaning back and tilting up towards the sky. His eyes were closed and for a moment or two Ryan thought he had finally passed out, or worse (or better, depending on how Ryan felt in the moment) he was dead.

"Come on, idiot." Ryan nudged him with his foot to bring him back into action. "Let's get you in bed."

"Wow, coming on a bit strong, aren't you Ricky?" 'Legs' opened his eyes and looked up at him with a lopsided grin.

"I could just leave you out here, you know?" Ryan was very tempted, especially when his own face betrayed him and he blushed. In Ryan's defence he had been on a pretty fun date with the guy just before everything went very, very wrong.

He smuggled 'Legs' into the room with relative ease; there was hardly anyone about at this time of night and the hotel was remarkably understaffed. Once the door was closed Ryan felt like he could breathe for the first time that night, though he knew he still had one job left to do.

'Legs' slowly made his way over to the bed, dropping down on it with a groan as he held his leg tightly. Meanwhile Ryan explored the bathroom to find the first aid kit: luckily the hotel supplied one. He looked at where the bullet wound was and bit his lip, there was no subtle way to say what he was about to say.

"You're gonna need to take off your jeans." He knew he would receive a smirk for that one, Ryan doing his best to just move past it and helped 'Legs' slide the tight fabric down over his wound. It looked painful, Ryan wincing when he looked at it and almost gagging at the sight of blood that returned so many awful memories.

As always, 'Legs' seemed to find a way to make things both more awkward but calming at the same time. "You know, this isn't the way I imagined you would be taking my pants off tonight."

"Okay... I'm gonna need you to shut up." Ryan shook his head and took an alcohol wipe out from the first aid kit. "This is probably going to sting, by the way. If you behave maybe I'll be gentle."

"Oh, to hear you say that under different circumstances." He was clearly intent on making things more awkward, Ryan doing his best to try and ignore him as he gently wiped the blood surrounding the wound. "Y'know..." 'Legs' spoke through gritted teeth, "It's crazy to think that just a few inches north I would have got shot in the dick."

"Dude, please shut up." Ryan was blushing just thinking about it. "Though I know now why people know you as 'Legs'... these things are fucking long, man!"

"Yeah, that's not the only thing that's long - ow!" Ryan applied more pressure over the wound, effectively shutting him up. Working in silence was much easier, if not slightly more awkward. Ryan managed to clean away all the blood and take to wrapping 'Legs' upper thigh in bandages.

"That'll do for now. Let me know if it starts bleeding through it." Ryan took to disposing the wipes in the bathroom bin, returning to the room where 'Legs' was still silent. Ryan could tell there was something eating away at him, something he was dying to ask but couldn't quite find the words. He wasn't so sure that he was ready for such a potentially heavy conversation with a guy like him just yet so he let the two of them to continue to marinate in the silence, just until 'Legs' was ready to talk.

"Why did you come back for me back there? Wasn't it your job to kill me?" Ryan was still unsure of the answer to that himself. "Wouldn't it have just been easier to let that guy take care of me?" It must be a hard life he lived when the question that had been eating away at him was why someone had shown him sympathy. Ryan couldn't imagine 'Legs' had many opportunities to have people show him compassion and not shoot on sight.

Ryan thought about that for a second or two, avoiding eye contact with him as he did. He eventually just shrugged and finally met his eye, trying to be as nonchalant as 'Legs' usually was. "It wouldn't have felt right to leave you with him..." He started with, promptly adding. "I wanted to kill you myself."

"Well, I'm sat here in front of you, probably about to pass out. I've got a hole in my leg and you're blocking the door and only way out... what's stopping you from killing me now?" It was a fair question, though Ryan knew it was more of a test. 'Legs' still viewed him as someone who was incompetent at their job, someone who didn't have the guts to kill; Ryan didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified to find out how much of a coward he was... at least he was a coward with a moral compass, right?

"I still might just do it, you're a pretty annoying guy." Ryan spoke jokingly. "You know, if I was stuck in a room with you and the most evil, twisted guy on the planet and I had two bullets, I'd probably shoot you twice."

"Wow, aren't you a nice guy - and completely original, might I add." 'Legs' rolled his eyes, "I bet your mom would be so proud of that answer."

'Legs' had been making jokes all evening, making a new sarcastic comment every few minutes or disingenuous insult whenever someone said anything he didn't quite agree with. Ryan hadn't taken anything he had said to heart, nothing had even come close to insulting him so he was able to play off what he was saying and banter with the guy. It had been frustrating at times and at times it had remined him of his childhood, bickering with his brother over who got to be player one in a video game or who got to have the slightly bigger scoop of ice cream.

However when 'Legs' innocently made a joke about Ryan's mother, whom he had been with in her final moments as she faded from life on the kitchen floor, Ryan's mind decided in a split second that it was too far. Something within him snapped, his face dropping from mildly amused to blind fury.

Ryan took one of the guns from his belt and stormed over to 'Legs' who wore a confused and equally concerned expression on his face. Ryan pressed the gun against the taller man's temple, his finger aching to pull the trigger.

"Don't you dare even fucking talk about her!" Ryan's whole body was boiling with anger. How dare someone who had murdered people himself talk about his mom, about his family in general. The thought had even crossed his mind that maybe 'Legs' was the one who killed his family that night. It was baseless, just a throw away theory but it was enough of a possibility for Ryan to see red, especially as 'Legs' continued to be painfully casual about the situation.

"Can you do it?" He smiled that same lopsided grin he had worn outside the hotel, as though he was above the situation. "Can you really become a killer?" He could tell Ryan had never killed anyone before by the way that the gun trembled slightly against his temple. He looked Ryan directly in his eyes, an impish glint reflecting in them. "You've not got it in you, I can see it in your beady little eyes."

It was as if time stood still for Ryan, his anger getting the better of him.

He pulled the trigger.

'Legs' flinched, bringing his hands up to his head to try and protect himself as he squeezed his eyes closed. A moment or two later as he realised there wasn't a bullet in his brain or a ringing in his ears he untensed his body and opened his eyes, meeting Ryan's equally shocked and terrified expression. He knew the answer to the question he was about to ask, based off Ryan's expression, but he found himself asking it anyway in a timidly quiet voice.

"Did... did you know the safety was on?" His voice only brought more panic to Ryan, knowing the guy who had been so cavalier about this whole evening was now terrified of the guy he'd branded a coward - someone who wasn't capable of pulling the trigger.

Ryan shook his head, his eyes wide and his heart pounding. He slowly backed away from 'Legs' and sat down against the wall beside the bed. He brought his knees up to his chest and held his head in his hands, the gun still quivering in his grip.

"I just shot you." Ryan's voice was vacant, his mind fogging over and leaving him in a state of shock, alone in the mist with only 'Legs' voice to try and save him from getting lost.

"Hey, it's okay, Ricky! I'm not dead, look I'm alive." He assured, shuffling over to the edge of the bed and swinging his legs over, it hurt to move and gave 'Legs' a queasy feeling from the constant ache, but he was reliant on Ryan right now; he couldn't walk on his own and had no chance of getting out of New Orleans alive without him. He needed to push through the pain and be there for him, even if the guy had literally just pulled the trigger on him.

"I shot you!" Ryan spoke louder, trying his best to hold in his emotions and not become hysterical.

"I was just being an asshole, that was on me. I wound you up when I should have been... I should have... I'm sorry, Ricky." He actually apologised, the words not helping Ryan with his hysterics but it certainly cut a path through the fog in his mind.

"It's not that, it's the fact that I feel bad about it! I shouldn't feel bad! I should have just shot you back in the basement and been done with it, but I couldn't fucking do it! That guy who was going to kill us? I couldn't bring myself to kill him either!" 'Legs' tentatively placed his hand on Ryan's shoulder.

"Maybe that's a good thing?" He tried to talk some sense into Ryan, "You're a good guy, Ricky."

"How the hell could I have protected them back then... I always thought if I joined the mob I'd be brave and maybe... maybe I could convince myself that if I'd been at home I could have protected them but..." 'Legs' tried not to show his visual confusion over the topic, his brain whirring and trying to figure out just what he was talking about. "If I'd have been home it wouldn't have made any difference. They'd still be dead and I'd still be alone."

Crushing realisation hit 'Legs' like the bullet that hit his thigh: Ryan was talking about his family. "I'm so sorry, Ricky. I really didn't know... I was being a dick earlier, honestly I'm sure your mom would be proud of you for not being some vengeful murderer."

"I've joined the fucking Mafia, 'Legs'! How could she be proud of that?" Ryan hit himself on the head with the gun, not hard but enough to clearly hear the sound of the impact. Even if the safety was on 'Legs' was still cautious of the way Ryan had moved it around so suddenly.

"I'm sure you had your reasons." 'Legs' was certainly in no position to judge Ryan on his life choices, given that he was part of the same lifestyle.

"I wanted protection. I was just so fucking alone and scared all the time! I just wanted to feel safe!" Ryan wasn't quite comfortable with the fact that he was having a heart-to-heart with a murderer. He really should have been having this conversation with his therapist - if he even still had her number saved to his phone. He had a feeling she would be slightly more judgemental than 'Legs' was being about this whole situation.

"I understand where you're coming from, Ricky." 'Legs' tried his best to empathise with Ryan, although he didn't quite seem comfortable to talk about his own woes. "I've been alone for so long because of the Mob. I know what it feels like to want protection... but this isn't the way forward, buddy."

Ryan shook his head and looked up with a slightly tainted version of his furious expression from earlier. "I'm not your fucking buddy!" He clicked the safety off this time and aimed the gun at him, 'Legs' raising his hands in surrender. "You're a fucking murderer! Why should I be scared about killing you?"

"Come on... we both know this isn't the right thing to do." His voice was so calm it drove Ryan mad. "Give me the gun, Ricky."

Ryan glared at him for what felt like an eternity before turning the gun on himself, closing his eyes and feeling the cool metal of his revolver against his skin. The clatter of the bullets in the chamber rattled in tune with his shaking hand. If he couldn't shoot the guy who kept taunting him there was no way he could pull the trigger on himself, though Ryan had to admit there was something much more simple about shooting himself instead.

"Ricky... give me the gun." 'Legs' leaned forward, holding his hands towards the gun and inching closer as slow as a lion stalking an innocent antelope. "This isn't the way forward, you know it's not. Please... give me the gun." Ryan felt 'Legs' hands cover his own, pulling the gun away from him with ease; Ryan didn't even put up a fight. 'Legs' took the gun and clicked the safety back on, placing it at the far side of the bed and letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

When he turned back to Ryan the shorter of the two stood up, wiping his eyes which were now wet with tears and made sure to tread quickly as he shut himself in the bathroom. As much as he hated the feeling: he just needed to be alone for a moment. Despite having a breakdown in front of the guy twice now he didn't want 'Legs' to see him crying, as if that was where he drew the line and aiming a gun at him not once, not twice but three times was okay.

Having a shower would hopefully clear his head, or at least Ryan prayed it would. Washing away the blood that had been staining his bruised temple and cheek certainly helped him feel a little bit better, that was for certain; the warmth of the water also helping his tense muscles to unwind and melt into the steam. It wasn't until after he was finished that he realised there was a jacuzzi tub that he regretted not slipping into instead, though when he tested it he was disappointed to find the jets didn't work.

He stepped out the shower feeling slightly more human, able to breathe a little bit deeper and think a little bit clearer. He dried himself off with the towel the hotel supplied and dressed himself in his suit once more, wishing he had different clothes to wear. If he was going on the run he'd make sure to buy an outfit that made him less conspicuous for sure.

When the bathroom door opened Ryan was expecting 'Legs' to ask him if he was okay in his own unique, jovial way; the two weren't exactly friends after all. He was expecting a subtle comment or joke to ease the tension between them. Instead all Ryan heard was a croaky groan coming from him as he opened one eye to glance over before closing it again.

'Legs' was now lying on his side, cheek pressed firmly into the side of the pillow with the duvet pulled up to his chin. He was paler than before, his bruises and split lip standing out in stark contrast on his face in a way that made Ryan wince. He couldn't believe this guy still hadn't passed out, although he had a feeling it was only a matter of seconds.

"You look like shit, man." Ryan gave a helpful observation, receiving a middle finger in response. "You sure you don't want to go to the hospital?"

"'M sure." He mumbled in response, Ryan walking over to the bed and sighing as he looked to the small table beside it. 'Legs' had placed the gun there, right beside the little table lamp that struggled to illuminate the room. There was still something within Ryan that knew his troubles here in New Orleans would be over if he just picked it up and shot him. He could call Father Thomas and be out of there by sunrise, his own personal bodyguards meeting him at the airport. He knew what he had to do, the gun was right there and 'Legs' was barely conscious but he was right about Ryan and had been all along: he didn't have it in him.

Ryan sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the gun, looking at his distorted reflection and sighing. "What's the real reason you didn't kill me?" 'Legs' mumbled from the pillow, eyes still closed. "If we're stuck with each other I'd at least like to know why."

"We're not stuck with each other. No one said anything about his being stuck together." Ryan denied as he put the gun down. "I'm heading back to LA anyway, keeping my head low on the way. I don't need your massive noggin giving me away. You can head on back to Chicago or wherever that guy said you're from and tell your little mob friends you gave ol' Goldsworth the slip." Ryan hoped if he left 'Legs' in the state he was in someone from the Orleans Mafia would take care of him eventually; either that or he wouldn't survive the night which would make everything so much easier on Ryan.

"I uh... I would but I kinda quit." 'Legs' admitted, opening his eyes now. Ryan turned back to him with a sceptical look, unable to take his words at face value. For all he knew it could be some type of trick to get him to lower his guard and 'Legs' could kill him in his sleep. "I was out here trying to lay low, blend in... I was hoping to just be free of all this shit. Right up until you came along... guess I was in idiot to think you can get out once you get in."

"Sure." Ryan scoffed, trying not to think about the misty eyed look he was currently facing. "No one just quits the mob. What were you really up to here? Hm? Stirring more shit?" I bet you were planning on killing more of the New Orleans Mafia, weren't you? Is that why that guy came after you - why this Bloody Mary lady is still after you?" Ryan chose not to believe him, he's always been good at letting his paranoia get the better of him, after all. It was part of the reason he wanted protection from the mob in the first place.

"I'm not some fuckin' crazed murderer, Ricky." 'Legs' sounded offended. "I don't know why that guy showed up when he did. I thought he was from the lot in Chicago I used to run with who'd come after me... or I thought maybe that he was part of your crew... right up until he knocked your sorry ass out." Ryan rolled his eyes at his own unprofessionalism; he was still kicking himself about not locking the door. "I guess they're after us both now, so well done on that."

"How's that my fault? How could I have possibly known they'd come after you at the same time I did?" He was getting rather sick of 'Legs' belittling him. He didn't know Ryan, he didn't know his plight or how he got to the spot he was in, not really. He might think he knew, but Ryan was stubborn in believing 'Legs' didn't know a single thing about him - he didn't even know his name.

"I guess you couldn't have known that... but I bet your precious lil' LA gangsters probably did." His voice was croaky but his mind was still sharp, "You got duped, Ricky. They sent you after someone even they had trouble getting to and in a city they had high tensions with... they weren't expecting you to come back." He hit the nail on the head, annoyingly so.

"They didn't dupe me. They told me you would be a hard guy to kill. I knew that coming into this. I was ready for it and, dammit, I came pretty close to succeeding!" Ryan glowered at him, "I had nothing left to lose. I needed to do this! I need their protection! It's hard for a guy to sleep at night in LA when he lives on his own, y'know? Especially after my parents... well, you don't need to know anything more about that." Ryan stopped himself before he gave away all his deepest and personal secrets. He knew 'Legs' had pieced together what had happened to them, but he didn't want him to think Ryan trusted him enough to tell him all the gory details.

"They told you about me and you still came out here? Are you stupid?" Ryan didn't like the holes he was poking in his logic. "Wait... wait, hang on. Let me get this straight.... you wanted to feel safe so you joined a gang? Not a great plan."

"I don't have to explain myself to you!" Ryan huffed as he stood up and headed for the door.

"You're leaving?" 'Legs' pulled himself up slightly, wincing at the pain his leg when he did.

"Yeah. I'm not staying around here with you. I need to get back to LA before those guys find you and kill us both." Ryan didn't feel safe with 'Legs' around, even if his annoying comments were giving him a sense of comfort. "You should just get some sleep. Wash your bandages out in the morning, else you're gonna get an infection. Good luck with trying to get that peace you wanted, 'Legs'."

"Shane."

"Huh?" Ryan turned back to him.

"My name's Shane." He wasn't looking at Ryan anymore, instead he was fidgeting with the duvet. "Shane Madej... I take it you're not actually called Ricky? Well, you might be, but Goldsworth sounds obviously made up. I sussed that out the second you told me."

"I'm not telling you my name just because you're stupid enough to tell me yours." Ryan was a little bit harsh with him, but deep down he felt flattered that 'Legs' - no, Shane had told him his real name. It meant that on some level Shane trusted him... either that or it was because he was tired of going by a nickname associated with a life he was trying to leave behind. "Get some sleep, Shane." Ryan opened the door and stepped out of the room. He breathed in the cool mid-summer's night air and looked up to the sky, leaning his head back against the door.

What the hell was he doing here? Everything had gone so wrong. He was miles from home, he was all alone, probably being tracked as he stood there in the open like a fool. To make matters worse: he knew he was trapped. He couldn't go back by plane, the New Orleans mob would be expecting that. He didn't have a car, he didn't have a stable place to stay and he had no friends or family that could bail him out. The only person in the entire state that he knew was Shane.

Shane...

Ryan felt like screaming, crying or falling to his knees and cursing whichever god had been laughing at all his plans; perhaps he would do all three. He knew giving into his fears and crying about things wouldn't do him any favours though. He had to do his best to keep his head held high, if he gave up now he knew that eventually it would get him killed.

Ryan looked up at the stars, watching them burn brightly from millions of miles away. Stargazing was calming, something he'd always taken comfort in on particularly difficult nights, but he knew standing out in the cold whilst he was a wanted man would do him no favours. As much as he hated to admit it: he was stuck with Shane. He knew his way around the city and had far more connections than Ryan could hope to have; Shane was his best shot of getting out of this alive.

He swallowed his pride and stepped back into the room, Shane opening his eyes with heavy lids and frowning at him. "Thought you were leaving?" Ryan was only outside for five minutes at most but Shane already sounded worse than before. Ryan hoped he was just tired and not showing signs of an infection.

"Yeah, well... change of plans." Ryan locked the door behind him and stepped further into the room. "It dawned on me that I don't really know my way around here... I've got no transport, I can't get to the airport without these mob guys tracking me down. I've got no friends out here, not even old acquaintances... I hate to say it, but all I have is you."

"You saying you'd miss me if you wandered off, Ricky?" Shane joked, even if his humour didn't quite break through his groggy speech. "I'm flattered."

"Ryan." He figured, what the hell, they're in this together like it or not. "Ryan Bergara... but let me tell you now, Shane. If you even think about going behind my back and getting me in even more danger I'll put a bullet between your eyes - and I mean it this time!"

"Mm... okay." Shane agreed to that fairly quickly, not believing Ryan in the slightest. He knew Ryan was a troubled individual, but the two had hopefully bonded enough by now for Shane to bypass Ryan's wannabe mobster side. "So, what's the plan?"

"It's gonna take weeks - no, probably months to walk it back to LA. We'd have to be total idiots to do that... so hopefully the mob won't track us if we do." Ryan's plan was certainly flawed and needed a few revisions or perhaps a total overhaul, but for now it was all he could think to do.

"Your plan is to literally walk half way across the state?" Shane closed his eyes again and sighed, his breath shaking as it hit the air. "You're full of bright ideas, aren't you? I'm shocked you actually managed to track me down in the first place. It's even a miracle we're both still alive."

"Hey, man, shut up." Ryan huffed, "There's not a lot of options, besides, like I said... it's our best shot of getting out of Louisiana without a bullet between the eyes."

"Okay, so by some miracle we do make it to LA... what then? Your mob pals are gonna welcome me, the guy they sent you to kill, with open arms? Hm?" Shane had a point, Ryan begrudgingly admitted. "You just turn up and say, 'hey, don't worry, he's with me, we're pals now' and expect them to not kill us both on sight?"

"I don't know!" Ryan snapped and pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a long sigh to calm down. "I don't know, okay... I just - I just want to go home..." The words were quiet as they left his tongue, but they spoke volumes to Shane. He knew exactly how Ryan felt.

"Alright..." Shane opened his eyes once more and patted the small space on the bed next to him. "Come on, we've got a long day ahead of us. We should both get some sleep."

Ryan looked down at the bed like it had just stomped on an innocent butterfly. "I'm not sharing a bed with you, dude. I was literally going to kill you half an hour ago."

"Alright, fine." Shane shrugged. "More room for me. You can enjoy the floor." He was very good at getting under Ryan's skin.

"Actually, no. Fuck you, move up." Ryan changed his mind after considering his only other options were sleeping in the jacuzzi or on the hard, cold floor. Shane shuffled backwards, wincing as he moved his leg. "You alright?" Ryan asked, forgetting for a moment that this was in fact the guy who was supposed to be dead at his hand.

"Yeah, this is nothing." Shane waved it off. "Just caught me off guard." Ryan climbed into the bed next to him, paranoid he was about to fall off the edge, his body didn't quite fit on all the way, but he also didn't want to ask Shane to move closer to the wall. As much as the taller man didn't want to admit it, Ryan could tell he was in more pain than he was letting on. "This isn't the way I expected to be in bed with you tonight... I'm still kind of offended you only wanted to go out with me because you were planning on killing me. Makes it hard for a guy like me to get over his trust issues, y'know?"

"Please shut up and go to sleep." Ryan sighed, debating going to find some duct tape and shutting Shane up for the entire journey.

It was silent as the two lay there together, Ryan fidgeting as he kept inching closer to Shane to get away from the edge of the bed, then inching closer to the edge of the bed to get away from Shane. He seriously regretted booking a room with a single, small bed now. He should have gone with at least a double. If only he hadn't been planning on leaving Shane here from the start.

"You want me to move over more?" Shane mumbled, Ryan giving in and deciding, what the hell, he didn't like the guy anyway, who cares if he was in pain?

"Yeah." Ryan muttered, Shane taking a deep breath before shuffling backwards so that his back was pressed into the wall. There still wasn't much space, but there was just enough so that Ryan could get onto the bed fully without touching Shane.

More silence.

It was quiet... too quiet.

"Be honest with me, Ryan..." Shane broke the silence, his breath against Ryan's neck as he spoke which sent involuntary shivers down his spine. "Why didn't you just leave me to die down there? You'd be out of here by now, home free... but you threw that away for me. Why?"

"You're supposed to be this big mafia tough guy from Chicago. You've killed dozens of people and got away with every single one. You've got hundreds of men after you and yet you were just partying in New Orleans? Right out in the open? You seemed like the bravest, yet most fuckin' insane guy I'd ever met." Ryan tilted his head to look at Shane, pulling his head back slightly when he realised just how close he was lying to him. "I guess I didn't expect you to look so terrified when that guy showed up and knocked me out."

"I wasn't scared." Shane denies, "He just caught me off guard. It was surprise on my face, not fear."

"Right." Ryan looked back up at the ceiling. "I couldn't just leave you there though. I've never done this before-"

"Really? I couldn't tell."

"Fuck you, I'm trying to be genuine here! I mean it though, I've got no fucking clue what I'm doing here..." The frustration Ryan felt was unparalleled. He felt so useless and naïve. "The only thing I was sure of was... was that I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night if I just left you there. You're welcome, by the way."

"Thanks for endangering me then backing out at the last second." Shane didn't sound very sincere, although he was grateful deep down. "Guess that means you'll sleep like a baby tonight then... that was a hint to shut up and go to sleep now by the way."

"You were the one who started the conversation!" 'This guy is a total jackass' Ryan thought with a glare aimed in his direction. "Why don't you go to sleep first? I'm not even tired."

"Neither am I." Shane very clearly was, he was struggling to keep his eyes open and his head kept dipping into the pillow. "Besides, you're the one who was threatening to murk me earlier! How do I know you're not going to blow my brains out the second I let my guard down?"

"I could say the same about you." Ryan retorted.

"Fine. Guess I'm not sleeping then." He folded his arms with a pout. Shane wasn't even going to blink, Ryan too. The both of them ending up in a staring contest that was more of a test of wills than a matter of endurance.

"Fine. Guess we'll just stay here all night. I'm not falling asleep first." Ryan could be just as stubborn as Shane if he wanted to.

"Neither am I. Get ready for a sleepless night, Bergara." Ryan moved so he was lying on his side, glaring into Shane's tired yet unblinking eyes. He'd crack any second, Ryan knew it. What he didn't expect was for Shane to smirk and blow into Ryan's eyes, forcing him to blink.

"That's cheating, you asshole!" Ryan cursed and shoved Shane on his arm. He didn't nudge him hard but it was enough force to cause the taller man's body to judder on the bed slightly, which was when pain flared up in his thigh. Shane squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the wound on his leg.

"Motherfucker!" Shane hissed under his breath at no one in particular.

"You had that one coming." Ryan said, although he had been meaning to apologise.

"Sorry..." Shane said for him, taking Ryan off guard. Why was he apologising? Ryan was the one who went and caused him pain. Ryan was the one who'd lured him to a hotel a few hours ago and tied him to a chair in the basement. Ryan was the one who'd knocked him out and eventually led him to getting shot in the leg. This was all Ryan's fault, so why the hell was Shane apologising?

He was certainly a hard guy to read. It was like he was just as clueless as Ryan. Ryan had a feeling Shane was plotting something; no one could be as careless as he was, partying in new Orleans like he wasn't a wanted man. There was more to it, Ryan would get to the bottom of it eventually.

"You really should have gone to a hospital." Ryan felt bad about their hasty thinking. A shady, haunted hotel in the middle of nowhere was a good hideout to keep them alive, but it would be for nothing if Shane bled out before morning.

"I'm fine, Ryan." Shane spoke through gritted teeth. "Big tough guy like me, this is tame."

"I dread to think." Ryan wasn't so sure getting used to being shot was the right lifestyle he was seeking. In fact, this whole time he was more scared than he had been the night he was left all on his own as a child. "Either way, let me have a look. You might have bled through the bandages by now."

"It's fine, Ryan." Shane swatted him away when Ryan moved his hand to grab the duvet. "Or do you just like staring at my long legs, huh?"

"I'm not - you... I'm... you're insufferable!" Ryan was flustered but it didn't stop him pulling the duvet back and inspecting Shane's wound. The bandages he had wrapped him with were holding but they were already starting to show spots of various shades of red. "You're still bleeding."

"Well yeah, there's a hole in my leg, genius." Shane mumbled. "Don't worry about it. It's fine." Shane hoped that if he kept repeating that he was fine Ryan would finally start to believe him.

"I'll change the bandages in the morning and the first place we'll head for is a pharmacy for better wraps. I'll see if I can get something to help with the pain too." Ryan at least wanted to help ease the pain... that and he didn't want to carry him for the entire journey.

"You'd need a prescription unless you plan on getting something that wont even help with a headache. They could probably track us through that." Shane informed him.

"Oh... yeah, I guess." Ryan moved back, sitting against the headrest. Shane looked up at him and nudged his arm lightly.

"Don't look so worried. If I can spend a week in the same city without really trying to hide we can get out of this alive." Shane adjusted his position so he was more comfortable, though the burning in his leg wasn't helpful in that. "Stick with me and everything will be fine."

"I guess..." Ryan sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest.

"Really, Ryan, don't worry. I'll keep you safe... just as long as you promise to do the same for me." Shane wasn't asking much, just that they would look out for each other whilst they worked together. Ryan wasn't so sure he'd be capable of protecting Shane, but it did make him feel better knowing he would have some trained, master assassin looking after him. Even if he was an asshole.

"Okay." It wasn't very assuring, but it was enough for Shane.

"Great... now shut up and go to sleep."

Ryan struggled to fall asleep, spending most of his night staring at the ceiling and listening to whoever was above them stomping around constantly. He managed to convince himself that it was just whoever was in the room above him pacing out some serious life changing decision; perhaps a new job offer or what to have for breakfast. His mind did keep drifting back to the idea that maybe Bloody Mary stayed away from this place for a reason. Maybe there really were malicious spirits haunting the hotel.

By the time Shane started snoring like a bear Ryan gave in to the idea that he wouldn't be getting much sleep. His mind was too preoccupied anyway. He spent the night thinking over every horrible possibility that could happen when morning rolled around. He thought about whether they would even survive leaving the hotel, or survive leaving the street the hotel was on. What if they got caught before they even left the block?

He couldn't focus much on the positives, on what it would feel like to relax for the first time in a long, long time. To spend time with someone who was actually looking out for him, someone who he could joke around with if he just learned to let go a little. It hadn't crossed his mind that being stuck with Shane was more of a blessing than a curse.

Before Ryan could realise it, the stress of the day caught up with him and he drifted slowly off to sleep, anxious about what the future could possibly hold.

#Shyan #mafia au #my work #skeptic believer

[alexlabhont]

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

Chapter Three.

Book: Queen B - Choices (Universe)

Pairing:  Poppy Min-Sinclair x Trans!Male MC (Beck Hughes)

Genre: Canon re-write (Because I can)

Rating: Anyone can read it, really

I´ll be posting this one over here because Tumblr, for some reason, thinks my secondary blog is a bot...

This is me trying to write by and for the Trans community, specially FTM community, meaning, trans guys, but I actually took the liberty to use They/them pronouns for everyone out there who´s interested (Also, the name Beck was the most neutral one I could find, trying to use the cannon Bea Hughes)

Now, about the PAIRING... I will be using choices style, kinda, because I want to give you choice at some point. If you have any comment, PLEASE BE RESPECTFULL and patient with me. This is also my first english fanfic and english is not my mother language, so... i’m sorry fo the grammar errors

CHAPTERS

The beginning

Chapter one 

Chapter two

ONE-SHOTS

Just a dance (Zoey x MC)

—————————————————————— 

A truce.

That’s what she said she wanted and for a moment, all their fears disappeared.

“I really hate to admit this, but I personally asked for you to be my partner on this project. I'm familiar with your music, and I actually wanted to work with you.”

She also said. Beck didn't know how to feel, really. Poppy Min-Sinclair heard their songs, or, at least, she saw their videos.

And she liked them.

Or not? They never knew with her. She has been acting pretty weird these days. Giving them a “compliment”, smiling at them, asking for Beck to be project partners…

Open up with them.

That was beyond weird.

Beck couldn't stop thinking about what they saw back at the “Alpha-Zeta deluxe cabin” or whatever it’s called. Poppy really looked hurt… sad… like…

Like she has feelings.

“I don’t know, Beck. I don’t think is a good idea letting you guard down.” Zoey said, playing with their hair, both of them resting on the couch, Beck’s head laying on her thighs.

“Yeah, I get it. But…” Beck took a moment, remembering the sadness in her voice, the betrayal in her eyes… Did she really care about Chloe? “I wish you had been there to see it, Zo. It was so real my head exploded… Like... She was really hurt.”

“Babe, I know what you’re trying to say. And I believe you that she was in pain. But you have to remember she's still Poppy. And even if she’s a… uhm… human who feels, it doesn't mean she's not a bitch.”

Beck stood up, sitting properly while scratching their neck.

“Yeah, I know that.” They replied. Zoey had a point they couldn’t forget. From all people, Beck understood what it felt like to be judge by a cover, but as Megamind's Roxanne said once: Checking the content was what matters, and the inside of Poppy´s book was not so good.

The time on the wall clock pointed it was the moment to go, it was Saturday and Poppy and Beck agreed to meet her in front of an Animal Rescue from downtown around noon. He didn't want to be late, after all, Poppy was capable of start the project without them and argue that they didn't show up.

“Anyway, I have to go now. The sooner we end this, the better.” Beck put on their shoes and leather jacket, ready to impress thanks to Zoey fashion sense.

“I want you far~ away from trouble, Beck Hughes. Do you hear me?” The protector side of Zoey appeared and, again, they were confused by it.

Zoey always had that effect on Beck, she could warm their chest, sculpt a smile on their face. Honestly, after all these years in a toxic environment, bullying and harm, having Zoey´s concern on them was something new, something welcomed, something that made them happy.  Laugh a little if Beck thought about it closely.

“I can take care of myself.” They said. After all of those fake friends, after all of the pain they went through, it was still hard to trust completely.  However… Beck looked at Zoey, the only one who Beck felt relaxed with. Their best friend, the first one to treat them as what they were even after knowing the truth. Beck didn’t miss Farmsville at all. “See ya later, beautiful.”

“I´ll be waiting right here”

~~X~~

They won’t ever admit it, but after they heard Poppy saying that the project was in the Downtown Animal Rescue Beck was excited. Puppies, kitty cats, animals! Beck love them greatly, wholeheartedly. They were their weakness; their adoration was so much so Beck considered seriously taking the vet path almost all their life, if having not found music, their story would´ve been completely different right now. That´s why they couldn’t refrain themselves of stopping at each enclosure to coo over the animals, losing all sense of self-respect over them. Especially after a pup ugly, dummy looking like showed up with the most adorable face they ever seen.

“Oh boy, you’re so ugly I luv ya Tushie-face! Who’s a precious ugly-boy? Uhm? Who’s a precious ugly-boy~” The little pug barked happily, enjoying the attention. “You’re perfect! You’re…”

“… nice to see so many new additions.” Beck heard, stopping them at the moment. Beck was sure it was Poppy, but she sounded… “I guess that means a lot of these little guys are being adopted?” … different. Again.

“Yes, Ms. Min-Sinclair.” A young voice answered, without fear, with respect. A good kind of respect. “We have a ten percent higher adoption rate than last year” Uhh, that sounded good. For some random reason, Beck showed the thumbs up to the ugly pug, flashing him a stupid smile at which the pup moved his tail as if he understand what it meant and agreed.

But then… Poppy laughed.

A real laugh. A nice, non-threatening, actually kind of cute laugh. So honest that they felt terrible attracted to it.

“No… Oh, no, no, no… No. Don't you even think about…”

As if their body was its own person, Beck rounded the corner, wanted so badly to see how a laughter so sincere looked like in Poppy´s face, like some weird kind of siren song they had to see with their own eyes. Instead, Beck saw her talking to one of the shelter’s employees, hugging and stroking a bichon frise puppy´s tummy softly, lovingly. Their heart stopped just a second, running wild immediately after.

“God… she’s so…”

“DON´T!” And they slapped their self. Hard. Beck deserved it. They couldn't… they won’t… They refused to…

The sound where so loud it called the attention of both Poppy and the other guy, while Beck felt the stinging and burning on his now red cheek. Ok, maybe~ they didn't have to do that, actually, the expression on Poppy´s face the moment she saw them, a sour, angry one, was the only thing they needed to feel normal again towards her.

“You're late” Why, hello to you too.

“I´m sorry, it's just that I was playing with Tushie face and…”

“Tushie face?” Beck couldn’t tell if she was amused or making fun of how stupid they were. “That´s how you pet-name?” Poppy added, raising an eyebrow. Beck shrugged.

“If you have a tushie face, then you are a tushie face. Simple as that” Based on Poppy's smirk, they should’ve stay quiet.

“Uhm… Alright, tushie face.” Damn it! “Come with me.” She then gave them a wink, smiling as if they both had now a new secret, before walking toward the back of the kennels.

Fuck.

“So… how do you knew about this place?” Beck asked, very willing to replace the topic to literally anything.

“If you must know, my parents bought me this shelter when I was eight.”

“What?”

“Really? Why?”

“I wanted a dog. Mommy and Daddy didn't want pets in the house… Et, voila”

Beck looked around, the place had now a new light after what they just learned. All this place was Poppy's, just because her parents didn’t approve animals at home. Unintentionally, Beck chuckled, feeling Poppy’s gaze on them almost immediately.

“What’s so funny?” She asked, irritated.

“We’re really very different but the same at once” They said. “Ever since I was a kid, my parents taught me to work with every single farm animal. Cleaning them, feed them, love them… I even helped bring life into this world.” Beck told her, twisting their lips. “I had a lot of different pets back at home. So do you right here. You see?”

“You’re forgetting about the fact the whole point of a place like this isn't for the animals to stay forever…” She said, vulnerable. Beck did actually get that, the hollow feeling that comes after something like that.

“Well… at least they’re not dinner”

Surprisingly, that comment made her chuckle just a little and Beck felt so good to be the one to take away that fragile expression in Poppy’s face. She was definitely more beautiful when she was happy. When she was laughing.

“You are right, that's even worse.”

They both looked at each other for a moment, some complicity in their own way, as if they both shared something, a sentiment that almost nobody felt, both understood each other, at least in one little but significant thing: They both learned very young what it's like to love innocently and truly, to have an unconditional companion, just to lose it to the “greater purpose” again and again. Both learned to never get really attached to anyone.

“But whatever, it gets the humanitarians off our back.” Just as if the conversation never happened, Poppy went back to the factory mode. “Which is why we’re really here. I’m fully aware of your popularity in YouTube, especially after your little performance, so hopefully this project we’re doing will get some good press for us to get the adoption rate it to, at least, 20 percent this year.”

“So this is why you wanted to work with me…” Beck didn't know why, but a little part of themselves felt disappointed… what was them expecting anyway?

Soon they both reach the back of the room, and while Poppy walked in as if it was completely routine, Beck had to stop for a second. A whole crew was already set up, cameras, microphones, lights, everything. A lot of cute pups and cats of all ages were also there looking adorable, sure they were the real stars of all this, but Beck couldn't help but feeling intimidated.

However, it was Poppy’s attitude the one thing that took all Beck’s attention though all the day.

She was kind, professional, caring… making sure of one thing above it all: to have the best commercial of all times for an animal shelter. The way she treated the employees, the animals, people around her… it was like a completely different side of her they never seen before. Poppy even, against all odds, treated Beck as what they were: her project partner. Giving them a fair share of lines, taking care of capturing their best angle, how happy they looked between all those cute little animals. Directing Beck to make sure every detail was perfect, being polite and respectful while doing so.

She was acting as a selfless but powerful leader, and Beck couldn’t take her eyes off of her the whole time. She even managed to convince them to adopt that tushi faced puppy, pointed out that they both had choose each other right at the moment they meet.

“Just look at the way he's watching you!” She said playfully. “You two are really connected.”

“Do you really think so?” Beck asked, playing with the pup. They really wanted to take the little guy home, be able to give him a good life, having another friend in their life. One not farm related at least. Beck felt Poppy coming closer, resting her hand on Beck's shoulder while watching little tushi face with a soft smile.

“I know so. But the real question is: what do you think?”

And now, Beck had a dog named Pepes.

~~X~~

Once they knew every detail was taken care of, and the adoption paperwork were all right, Poppy, Beck and little Pepes walked out the shelter. Personally, they felt drained out, because although they were used to cameras, it was always under their own terms and time, their own edition, their own personal rhythm, but after that day, Beck was seriously considering the idea of being backstage musician, unlike Poppy, who actually looked as fresh as a cucumber.

“Damn, Pops. I have to admit it: you were awesome there.” They said, Pepes barking enthusiastic, agreeing.

“Were you expecting something less?” She said, some mischievous sparkle in her eyes Beck couldn't quite place. “Now, take me to lunch.”

“I'm sorry? Why would I do that?”

“Because…” She started to say, sassiness taking over her. “… I acted, arranged, produce and direct a fully perfect commercial to our project while you just played around with puppies and looked cute. The very least you can do is buy me lunch. I'm starving.”

“Oh, so you think I'm cute?” Beck flirted. It was impossible to let it pass by.

“Like it was a secret” Poppy smirked.

“… What?”

“I’m not blind, Hughes. You are actually very good-looking. It´s not a secret.” Beck was shocked, did they really just heard a compliment from the one Poppy Min-Sinclair that wasn’t commercial related? They looked at her, expecting some irony or double meaning, maybe some hint of a trap, but no…  She was being completely sincere. Beck snorted, it was cool they guessed.

“Now, that's a compliment.” Poppy rolled her eyes evidently, pretending to be irked, but that little smile on her lips proved to be the opposite.

“Hello? My lunch?” Beck laughed, how can she be so rude and yet so cute at the same time? Maybe she wasn't so bad after all.

Maybe.

“Whatever you want, bossy-ass”

----

Next

#queen b choices #choices #trans #ftm #poppy x mc #malemc #poppy min sinclair #bea hughes #Beck Hughes #choices stories you play #choices poppy #choices queen b mc #mc x poppy

[mewtwo24]

Lucifer Meta

I‌ feel like I‌ keep seeing so much talk about this, and maybe its been said before, but given I‌ have too much time on my hands and I‌ can’t stop thinking about it, I felt the need to put it into words.

A lot of people have mentioned that, if you take a look at Lucifer’s dialogue in several scenes within both the MS‌ and several ES’s, he keeps harping on this insistent desire to be considered special by the MC. He doesn’t want to be another demon a dozen (I’m sorry I‌ know I’m cringing too), he doesn’t want to be just another hottie that got away or the story of ‘that crazy hot guy I‌ fucked and never saw again.’

Today I‌ want to get into the reason for that. (Also a note, I‌ will be using feminine pronouns for the MC but I‌ fully understand that the creators allude to non-binary identification, and don’t want to discourage anyone from that—I‌’m just working from how I‌ personally play.)

Now, I‌ think it can be pretty easy to just write it off as a product of pride. After all, pride does come hand in hand with the idea that you assume you are unique beyond measure, somebody that is without peer in the best meaning of that notion. And while I‌ do think Lucifer does have a great deal of confidence in some regards, I‌ don’t personally believe that’s the whole truth. I‌ feel like it’s more complicated than that. Honestly, it’s one of the reasons I‌ enjoy Obey Me so much; we all know the basic premise. Seven deadly sins yada yada yada, absolute dumpsterfire demon family of brothers yada yada yada. But I‌ feel like beyond that surface level there are some pretty alarming–if not downright profound–moments of humanity (for lack of a better term) that emerge in each of them.

With Lucifer, I‌ feel like this constant desperation for recognition is actually an acute reflection of both his reputation, and his lifelong history. And to explain why I‌ think this is true, I‌ need to reference a major spoiler from the MS. I’m going to assume everyone’s read the MS‌ to that point, but if not I’ve added a cut and added proper tags just in case. Please don’t read below if you haven’t gotten to Chapter (14-10)!

Okay y’all, you remember the scene where it’s revealed that Lucifer gave up his entire future as a demon to give Lilith a chance to be reborn and properly be with a person she loved as a human someday? I‌ want to start here, because I‌ feel like this is crucial to our understanding of Lucifer’s attraction to MC. One of the harder things about getting close to Lucifer is how tightly sealed he is. Call this demon Fort Knox, he’s never going to betray his true intentions or his true feelings unless he has a gun to his head. And the reasons for that are obvious (vulnerability?????‌ in m y me???? it’s less like than you think one more step and I‌ kill you–)‌ You can’t be the perfect caretaker or the perfect right hand to the most powerful being in your realm by betraying constant fluctuation in feeling. (Too bad he’s the most brittle motherfucker I’ve ever seen. But, I‌ digress.) Besides which, I imagine one of the many ways he kept himself from cracking and spilling his secret was to bury it in the sure silence of secrecy. He could significantly lower the threat of revealing the truth if he never, ever talked about it at length. He manifests capability and strength in the most classical/conservative forms of those words (and coincidentally, the ones most acceptable to the old school ‘canonic’ representations of christianity):‌ with stoicism, by refusing to show a single chink in the armor or an iota of oscillating warmth. True devotion to God means no signs of wavering; you are either with Him or against Him. You either follow the rules, or you don’t. (While I‌ understand this is not the case in many branches of the church, trust me when ‌I say the Orthodox community has not changed LMFAO)

The reason I‌ feel the need to create this basis is that it makes his looking to MC‌ for understanding makes so much more sense within that context. Think about it. MC‌ was, first and foremost, the only one to see the memory of him begging Diavolo to save Lilith. MC‌ saw him at the absolute lowest moment of his entire life. Having lost everything in the rebellion, with nothing and nowhere to call home, the very person he was devoted to protecting a casualty. The archangel of heaven, the most glorious and famous immortal in veritable history up to that point–without peer, without equal–lost. Imagine. A‌ being that never even entertained and could not fathom anything less than perfection and capability, was now faced with irrefutable evidence that he not only lost, but failed in the most devastating meaning of that word. Not only could he not prove his newfound conviction, he failed the very person that showed him what he needed to prove–the very person that deserved the fruits of his successful endeavor.

(And not only that, he gets zero time to grieve or process. He immediately has to bargain himself to essentially eternal servitude in order to give his sister just one chance at something she’s always dreamed of, and to protect the siblings most faithful to his cause–the ones to whom he feels most indebted. Let’s not forget growing accustomed to an entirely new way of life, learning how to exist as a demon and having to come to terms with so many changes–whether good or bad. Though knowing Lucifer, I‌ get the feeling change is an incredibly stressful thing for someone who was so accustomed to clear rules, order, and determinism. I’d wager it’s why he hinges so oddly on this notion that ‘demons are extreme creatures that cannot change, MC.’ While in some ways this does feel like scapegoating–and it is, the repressed fuck–I‌ think he does partially believe it to be true. He’s a demon now. Demon = a very powerful inclination to certain vices, and after having people like Diavolo confirm that information he truly believes it cannot be reduced. He just accepts that this is part of his new fate, no matter how frustrating. Me and MC’s modernist ass beg to differ, but given the lore suggests real differences between demons and humans I‌ can’t really speak confidently to which of us is most right. I‌ feel like the game does suggest at least a little potential to change or lessen those vices, but this is a bit of a digression from my main point.)

Second of all, think about her reaction. MC‌ hugs Lucifer immediately, so moved she embraces him even as he’s seconds from starting on a frustrated tirade. (This is how I interpreted that event, and that’s the choice I made--but even if you hit him, you’re showing a very real emotional reaction to Lucifer’s plight. I took both of those reactions to be a heated, heartbroken acknowledgement of what he’d been forced to sacrifice. Either a great deal of compassion, or angry grief that he would take on the weight of everything they’d lost alone--a reminder to think about himself first, too.) Her reaction to his sacrifice isn’t jaded mockery ‘LOL can’t believe you took the biggest L‌ imaginable for your baby sis who’s 6 feet under anyway.’ Her reaction isn’t a hardened heart, so angry with all of his lying and violent outbursts that she doesn’t give a damn (which honestly I‌ wouldn’t even blame her for being indifferent given some of the shit he’s pulled). Her reaction is a sincere appreciation that his heart could be so tender, that he could care so deeply for just one sweet angel that he would risk everything to defend her. (Even if he had other reasons, he expressly says that Lilith was the catalyst.)

I want to take a moment to link back to earlier. That’s what’s so key about Lucifer. He was supposed to be the perfect angel. Unsullied, untainted. Completely devoted to the rules of heaven, so well-versed and immovable in those ideals that even Diavolo had no shortage of admiration for him–was equally desperate to have him in his service after the fall. But Lucifer proves to be, by some perceptions, broken. He is not the perfect angel that everyone lauded without end, that was Daddy dearest’s pride and joy.

He cared. He cared about Lilith and his fellow angels and even humanity, no matter how foolish or ridiculous or foolhardy it seemed–to the point of waging war against everything and everyone he’s ever known. While I‌ can’t speak to what it was that changed him so greatly, I‌ have to wonder if it was, in fact, love. Lilith risked everything to protect the human man she had fallen in love with, wanted nothing more than to have a little family and protect that which was so dear to her. Was Lucifer moved by that…?‌ Did Lucifer find himself wanting something similar?‌ Or at the very least, wanted angels and humans to have the right to choose?

In truth, I‌ really can’t be sure. But I‌ still think it’s crucial that Lilith’s choice was the motivating factor of his change; he saw that someone could earn a love so deep it would inspire a sacrifice beyond reason. And that MC‌ saw him at his most vulnerable–at his most personal–reflecting the very behavior he’d learned from Lilith and saw the same exact thing that he did:‌ beauty. MC understood that moment as something to be cherished, something that proved a staggering capacity for compassion. And not only that, she felt a great deal of sympathy. Sure she’s probably never made a sacrifice that big before, but so much of being mortal is sacrifice. So much of being human is seeing that which is bigger than yourself, is seeing a loved one who needs you, and giving what you can. As such, it was a moment of resonance–it was a moment that proved his capacity for good in human and grounded terms, no matter how cranky or closed off or repressed.

(Also y’all because I‌ have to say it. THE ELLIPSIS. THE FACT THAT HE JUST REVELS IN THE HUG FOR A SOLID FEW MINUTES, JUST SOAKING UP THE AFFECTION. I DIE SOMEBODY PLEASE HUG THIS OVERWORKED, TOUCH-STARVED, MISERABLE FOOL I LOVE HIM.)

Granted, Lucifer did show signs of intrigue towards the MC‌ from the getgo, but most of them were wooden. Curious on a very surface level, more like ‘this human really is deranged huh what a weirdo’ than necessarily BANGS POTS AND PANS ‘I L O V E THIS H U M A N’. And that, for me, is key. I‌ have to wonder if he doesn’t feel comfortable showing skin or getting too close to people in any kind of way because they don’t really know him.

This is what I’m getting at.

The hard thing about pride is that most pride worth any salt comes from a firm center of confident knowledge about one’s own ability. And if there is anything this game tries to get us to understand, it’s that Lucifer is in many regards a workaholic wiz. He never stops going, never stops trying to be the best older brother and second hand to Diavolo the realm has ever seen. (For those of you that argue he’s a shit older brother, I‌ 100% agree he’s a dingus about expressing it properly but I‌ don’t think he’s a bad brother. His home screen lines are 90% him expressing his worries about being unable to connect to and help his brothers. That is not an apathetic guardian. That’s a tender idiot doing his best.) But his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness, the very thing that keeps him up at night literally and figuratively.

What if the people in his life only want him there because he’s so amazing and so capable–makes their lives so much easier–that it doesn’t really matter who’s getting the work done? What if he’s ultimately just a tool again? Just another thing to throw away when he’s no longer useful enough to be kept close? What if nobody loves him for just…him?

This is where it really starts to hurt. Thanks, God.

And that’s why he’s so enamored of the MC. It’s not just that she takes his feelings seriously, it’s not just that she’s equally stubborn and willful and cheeky. I think, more than anything, it’s because she saw who he was at his core–an angel that lost everything and sold what little he had left to make the most precious person in his life happy–and loved him all the more for it. She didn’t see it as a weakness to take advantage of, she didn’t see it as a weakness period.

She saw it as a place to build. She shows him that vulnerability doesn’t have to mean danger and endless anguish. She shows him that in this new world he’s inhabiting–where everyone is flawed, where everyone is limited–it’s only natural to have points that are less than logical or conventionally/perfectly defensible. She stands firm that–while he may have been a bit of a dickwad–that act was still noble, and that he would have to share this with his brothers if they were ever to mend the relationships that were smashed to smithereens in the aftermath of the war. Lilith could be a place of commonality from which they could all bond, and evidence of his compassion–rather than God’s judgement that it was a contemptible flaw.

Because at the end of the day, that’s what his repression of feeling is. It’s not just fear of being mocked by his brothers (though that’s definitely part of it). It’s the literal, staggering PTSD‌ of that moment where everything changed, where he made the ‘wrong’ decision in choosing love and freedom. Not only proof of his being less than perfect, it was the moment his creator abandoned him completely–the moment his creator sought his unilateral and uncompromising destruction over a disagreement. Lucifer is afraid of opening his heart because he’s afraid that, in the end? He’ll devote himself down to the marrow only to find out he was being used the whole time. He isn’t being loved because they see both his shortcomings and his impressive qualities and develop affection anyway, he’s being ‘loved’ because he’s useful to them–and so long as that continues, he’ll continue receiving empty praise meant to motivate him into complacence. This is why Diavolo’s moe pining and compliments mean jack shit to him. Because Lucifer can never be sure it’s not just another selfish power play, because Lucifer can’t trust that Diavolo’s affection comes from a place beyond motivating an unquestioning, relentless work ethic/loyalty. (I fully admit I‌ don’t think Diavolo necessarily means that much harm, but I also don’t think Lucifer is wrong to be wary given how evidently capricious Diavolo is…)

But yeah. MAJOR‌ Daddy and vulnerability issues.

Which is what makes his line “Who knew a human like you would stir this kind of feeling in me?” so fucking ironic to me. Really, Lucifer?‌ The calls are coming from i n s i d e. The defining moment of your life was the most altruistic, humanlike act a celestial creature could ever commit. Why are you so surprised, then, that a human could unlock the depths of your heart?‌ To the contrary, perhaps it is only a human-–that doesn’t have any desire for power or illusions of perfection—that could quiet the anxiety lodged deep inside his heart. She helps him come to terms with and nurture these feelings of love not just because she’s understanding and patient, but because her motivations are not mercenary or interested in prestige. MC’s just here to have a good time and wants to see them all get along together, and who could be more compatible for the demon that has little to no notion of freedom or how to mend the family he gave up everything for?

(Also an interesting side note, it may also explain why Lucifer can relax around the MC so thoroughly as time goes on. Because she herself tends to be more relaxed, he too begins to fully embody an existence where the stakes aren’t always in the stratosphere; he can be silly and tired and needy without fear of a cold reprisal or invasive curiosity. He can just be himself in peace, and that’s all he really wants more than anything.)

#obey me #obey me one master to rule them all #obey me lucifer #obey me meta #obey me spoilers #catch me in my fucking lucifer feels YET AGAIN #this is what happens when im left alone to think good lordt #its just been eating at me since the reveal and its only now that ive been able to properly put my finger on why he kills me so bad #its even funnier bc at the beginning i was so like #what do you want you asshole boomer #and now im just #'is anyone going to hold that sad idiot demon who literally can't practice self-care for more than three seconds at a time?' #and then i dont wait for an answer HJKLFHD #all the other brothers: whoa man you didnt have to take it on all on your own-- #me and beel: BRING IT IN YOU FUCKING SADSACK I L Y #evidently two kinds of people/demons

[goingsllightlymad]

Blinded By Your Light - Part 7. On Comforting.

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x reader

Summary: Y/N is the definition of ordinary. Studying at a medical school as far as she can get from her rainy hometown of Birmingham, she never expected to be shipped off the Flanders when the war was at it’s peak. Much less to meet a handsome young patient with the most beautiful pair of blue eyes she had seen in her life who as fate would have it would fall into her lap.

Wordcount: 6344. 

Warnings: Your humble author has no concept of writing in character, so welcome to the Peaky Blinders BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW THEM (this is so far from canon it makes me want to cry). Also I don’t drink, so I have no idea how much whiskey it takes to get drunk (my family is Russian-NorthernEnglish, we don’t talk lightweight). Again, the story isn’t reader x Ada OR reader x Arthur OR reader x Isaiah, I just have an unhealthy amount of love for them and it manifests in my writing. Yes you do have to like Tommy. I don’t make the rules (I do). 

__________________________________________________________________________________

You supposed you should have known from the moment the shape of the Garrison appeared in front of you, that you were once more part of some ill-boding scheme of the Shelby family, as you had been so many times before. The time Ada had you sneak alcohol out of the back of the church to take to the river and stay out through the night together and your father had found you out. Of course he had, the man saw more than ever, as though he had the eyes of God within his restless soul, scouring the streets for the evil that roamed freely in the night. Ada had insisted that it was worth it, and you had supposed it was, although you weren't quite so sure the next morning.

In this town it was as though you had never grown up at all, because no one grew older here, and no one grew any wiser than the day they had left to die and come back dead entirely.

No one grew at all, despite the darkness in your soul and the stiffness in your bones from days and nights unsleeping to watch the war pass before your eyes a million times like the hellish fate to which you would return when all of this is over. You had lived a thousand lives and died more times still, you had seen the worst of the universe all in one bloody room, and you were still no more than the lonely teenager you were when you had left this world behind with your future in front of you and no idea of what you were about to live through. You had lived through it, you had survived, and now you had your childhood and you had Ada, and you had all night to make all the mistakes you should have learned to make so many years ago.

And here you were again, with her in hand and going back into that very room where not even an hour ago you had left your heart completely, not broken but fractured, not ended but changed. You could see the faint shadows of people moving around in the bar through the frosted windows, the sound of laughter and chatter spilling out onto the street, and you basked in the knowledge that in there you were no one at all, so much more and so much less than the little girl who Tommy Shelby had left in France to live a life alone without him. You were so much more than another's story, another's history, and you were an empty sheet of paper to write in the sea of other watchful faces.

You gave it a day, maybe two if you were very lucky, before the whole town knew all about where you'd been, what you'd done, who you'd done. There was nothing you could do to stop the tides of unkind fate, carrying your stories out to sea as far as the wheeling birds could catch the words upon the water and revel at your tragedy. Take tonight, take one last look, remember the way they looked at you when you were a world away from the dreadful Shelby's, when you were the girl they thought they once knew, because tomorrow all this would be over and you would be standing once more in the rubble of the world you knew and the world you did not, and all would be so strange.

You hadn't realised Ada had let go of your hand until you were standing before the Garrison door, looking on at the wood and the way your thoughts played in the afternoon sunlight, standing still and she had long since gone inside. With a deep breath in and a sigh to build up all the strength you could find within you, you pushed open the door and went inside to find her.

It was early afternoon, but already the pub was busy with a small crowd of people sitting in the booths or at the bar with their large drinks and loud babble, or standing against the walls and hushing up their words behind their whiskey-glasses. Pressing on a short smile and pushing through the people that stood before you, you scanned the room for the bright brown bob and pretty floral dress, winding your way round and round in a labyrinth of circles as you met face after face you didn't know. Where was she?

After a moment the conversation lulled enough for you to hear her burst of laughter, loud and raucous, in a booth near the corner. Making your way over, you found her next to John, surrounded by various men and one who could not be much more than a boy. You raised an eyebrow at her, nodding awkwardly as their eyes landed on you. John stood to kiss you on the cheek, whispering a "Good luck" in your ear that only made you infinitely more nervous. You bit your lip and turned to Ada with a silent plea in your eyes.

"(Y/N), may I," she took a long gulp of the man next to her's beer and stood with a slight sway, gesturing at the men around the table, "introduce you to the Shelby's."

"Hi." the man beside her stood quickly, touching the brim of his cap, ever careful to avoid the thin line of glittering silver that caught your eye once again. Now that you were looking for it, you could see Ada's kindness in his deep brown eyes, the broad moustache on his upper lip not enough to conceal the twitch in his mouth that reminded you of John. And then the jawline and the dark circles under his eyes, the shaking hands, just like another Shelby you knew and wished you didn't. He had the restlessness of a soldier and an addict, someone who had survived a war doing whatever he could and couldn't do, and had come back to find another waiting. He had the look of a man whom the world had broken, and the sweetness of a man you could trust, as though you hadn't learned at all from Him, the great and terrible Thomas.

"Arthur." You were shaken from your observations by his rough, low voice, and you wondered if he knew that you were reading him, trying to make up your mind about what sort of life this man had had before.

"(Y/N)." you murmured, a little embarrassed as he smirked at you beneath his great moustache, and you knew he had caught you staring. John, standing just behind him, was having the time of his life watching the awkward exchange.

"Lovely name." he looked at you with kind eyes that knew about his brother, knew more than he would say because it was the one thing that filled the large booth, the name you didn't dare to say out loud for fear of someone hearing you and saying just how sorry they were.

"Yeah, exactly like I said it a minute ago if yer'd actually been listenin' to me." Ada huffed, dragging you back to her and handing you a glass of whiskey like every time the two of you had stayed up late in the Garrison, drinking and talking and being alive. You laughed at her and held her hand in your own and she gave you a bittersweet smile that only made you think of him. You looked away as fast as you could but still it burned in your mind, in the darkness when you blinked and you could swear you could see him really there in front of you with his damned blue eyes and the sweetness of the way he lied to you like he was breathing. You wondered if he had known truth at all, and if he had known anything other than himself.

"Ada tells me you work for the bakery." he shifted on his heels, and you thought he might have been high already; you wouldn't blame him. These days all there was to do was sit around and try and forget what you had been through, wherever you knew how. These days whiskey flowed like blood and blood like water and water like the tears of God's broken soul somewhere a long long way ago.

"Yeah, do what I can and all that." you shrugged, glancing up at him over the chipped rim of your raised glass and knowing that he had heard the words a thousand times before from smart men and women who had nothing else to do with their lives than to waste it running off to pretend they could save the world by hurting and bleeding enough. The world was never saved by blood, but nor was it ever ended by it either. The irony was this: that it ended as it began, with an officeful of men in smart suits and a pen that killed more any mortal weapon. Bang, crash, smoke, and those words had killed them all.

"Always jobs in the Shelby household. Lots to be done, could use a smart lass like you." his words were laden with the genuine curiosity that you had been expecting since the moment you had seen his face. There was that respect, the respect of a businessman making a deal, a man with a plan and the means to see it through no matter what. Arthur Shelby wanted you in the business, and you got the feeling he was not used to being told no.

" 'm sure you could. Think I might be sticking to the more... legal side of work in Small Heath." you didn't know you had been thinking it until it slipped out of your mouth, and you immediately wished it hadn't. There had to be a rule somewhere that you don't get killed on the same day you get your heart broken, but it seemed that that was exactly what you were going for. You thought you both knew it then, that it was not the crime nor the blood nor the sin at all that made you shy away and wish you were talking to anyone else in the room all of a sudden, it was Him. The looming shadow cast over the shoulders of his brothers, far from the room as he might be. The infamous Tommy Shelby who all the ladies loved but you, who was good enough for all of Birmingham but no one was ever good enough for him. You thought if you took the job and saw him here every day with his pretty blonde girlfriend you might just kill him yourself.

"As you will. Think it through, eh? At least come for tea some time." he wasn't joking but his smile was wide and kind and it reminded you somewhat of John, only with a frantic craze of emotion behind it that made you wary. Men who had gone away and come back with heart and soul unsullied were the men who scared you all the more, for they had seen what they had seen and it had been no darker than what they saw inside them when they closed their eyes at night, and the anger in Arthur's soul warned you that he watched a million lives ending in glorious technicolour every second when he blinked.

"She's been coming for tea for the last five months, Arthur!" Ada piped up in the background, laughing over her shoulder as the broad man beside her slipped an arm around her waist and lead her back to the wall a little way away. You stifled a giggle at the way Arthur's eyebrows rose up almost to his hairline, his wide eyes a brown-black that wasn't a colour at all, just the lifeless reflection of feelings to strong to be kept inside. It was really rather enthralling.

"Never saw yer before." he mumbled by way of an apology. A Shelby apology, where you found yourself wondering if it were somehow your own fault. No; nothing these fucking Shelby boys did to you was your own fault, and you really had learned that the long and hard way.

"Had to keep 'er a secret from you all, didn't I." Ada had turned to you again, and her partner let out a loud and exasperated groan that only made her move further away from his hands around her waist. She waved a accusatory finger at the boys around you, a little too tipsy to be taken entirely seriously but enough to make them all quieten slightly. You always underestimated that strange power she had on people when her softness made them all back down. You sometimes thought she might be the most dangerous of them all. "Else you'd all be taking her away from me, and I can't let that 'appen."

"Not gonna happen, Ada. You know I'm all yours." you flirted, tangling her outstretched hand in yours and grinning lovingly at her. All dreamy smile and soft, expressive eyes, and everyone could see just how far into her dark spiderweb life you were.

"Then by all means come for tea more often, just can't talk to anyone else but me." she whispered close to your ear, squeezing your hand and then letting it drop as she rocked back into her chair.

"So gracious." rolling your eyes at her, you took a long sip of your whiskey, the liquid burning down your throat like fire and venom and filling your stomach with a heat that came at least not from the anger that still bubbled in your heart.

"I know." she laughed, turning back to the man who had grown somewhat dejected as her interest wavered from him, and Arthur brought your eyes back to him as he took the empty glass from your hand. You had to admit you could feel the hot eyes of the other men in the bar on your back, burning holes in the thin cotton of your summer dress like you had known it so many nights before in this furious summer with Ada, the new men every night that never caused you half so much trouble as Tommy Shelby. Ada had a habit of making every man who saw her fall madly in love with her, and you were little better you supposed. The way they looked at you was enough to make you sick on weaker days, but on days like these when the sun was little more than the light to guide you in by, the Garrison too small to hold all the nothingness pounding in your heart, you could almost find it comforting to think of all the men who wanted something Tommy Shelby had just thrown away. And yet you would still give it all to see again the sunlight in his eyes, and that sad way he smiled.

"You should drop by. See the business." Arthur sidled up closer to you, shooting a warning glare at a man who had stumbled over in your direction and scanning the room distractedly.

"Careful, or I just might take you up on that offer." You had seen the way he defended you, a little brotherly and a little dangerous, and you had to admit you were almost thankful for the way his name seemed to shake men to their boots, the influence he had on the sleazy population and the men you tried endlessly to keep away. There must be some perks to being a Shelby or to having Shelby friends, and you would be an idiot not to at least consider them. Even Ada seemed to send men shaking their heads and people moving out of her way in the streets. Just imagine what you could do with all of them behind you. You thought you might sleep a little easier at night if you had at least that to keep you safe, and where was the harm in that. And Arthur was nice, and honest, and exciting, and you knew that he could kill you in a second if he wanted to but something told you there was not a part of him that wanted to. Tommy kept you guessing, he was a mystery and a mistake, but even now you could tell that what you saw in Arthur was what you got, and it made you trust him all the more. And wasn't it the final quip, the last word in this dreadful war of what you could say to hurt the other more, to be around Tommy all the more and let him know that you couldn't stand him, couldn't see him. To love his family and his town and all the things he did, and never once to love him.

So you said it with a short glance up at Arthur and you knew that he had noticed, a little drunk as he was. Your words didn't mean nothing, and you would indeed be just passing by sooner rather than later. Behind the rim of his raised glass you thought you saw him smile.

In the short silence that followed, the boyish man beside Arthur had risen, and you turned to greet him politely. He was a little shorter than the others at the table, his cheeks littered with light freckles and his eyes bright and glittering in the lamplight like the crystal glasses sat before him. He looked so young, no more than sixteen, and you tried not to imagine Tommy so young. It would only hurt you if you knew that he was human, because he had never been human to you. He had been an angel, and he had been cold and cruel and robotic, and he had never seen fit to show you his humanity.

"Finn." he sounded young too, excited by life and excited by being in the bar, unsullied by the bloodied streets of Small Heath in a way that you knew he could not be forever. Soon, very soon, there would be another Shelby on the streets, and you thought you would not like to see it. "You're Ada's secret, aren't yer."

You had to raise an eyebrow at that. Sure the two of you had been sneaking around, sometimes with John when it was dark and you were in the alleys, but mostly just you two against the world, a sisterhood of broken homes and the unbreakable bond of spilled blood between you.

"That so?" you couldn't quite figure out the tone in his voice as he said it - something sharp and exhilarating, between curiosity and jealousy and concern and pity - and you thought you'd rather like to know. You were beginning to think there was very little about the entire Shelby family that was not wrapped in mystery, guarded with a life other than their own.

"Only that she never talks too much of you. Likes to keep you away from us, 's all." Finn glanced over at Ada before he said it, making sure she was too deep in conversation with her man to listen to his hushed words, and you wondered what it was she would make of it when you told her later that night as you knew you would. You told each other everything (nearly everything, as you had learned to night, and everything that was not important. Your lives were a million miles apart, yet sometimes in those late nights in your bedroom, sitting on the windowsill with the duvet wrapped around you two and smoking into the gloom of inferno, the roads were tangled inexplicably.), and you would tell her about this too.

"Is she so very ashamed of me, Finn Shelby?" you teased him, but his eyes grew wide and he babbled defensively.

"No, no, of course not, I just meant-" quickly, and growing more and more flustered as you let him flounder on his own for a minute. Sure, it was a little cruel of you, but it was fun to watch him panic too, and this Shelby seemed a little less worrisome than the others. You were almost relaxing in his presence, except that you weren't.

"I was joking. I know her, she's a good girl." your eyes had wandered back to Ada in her dress, chatting up the man at the bar with his sharp suit and no cap to be seen. There was a bittersweet sadness there, and you knew that she had never looked the way of a man who wore a silver cap, and you knew exactly why now. It was something else you shared in silent - the Shelby boys had broken your heart, and you were all the worse for wanting them. You wondered still what drove a man to hurt his sister, to break her heart so young, and once again the answer would not come.

"The rest of us are too, y'know. Good g- men. Men." Finn was still talking in the background, and you laughed weakly at the appropriate times, eyes not leaving Ada. You wondered when you could go home, and if she would be going home with you at all. You thought the man looked mighty interested in her, or rather in the way her thighs showed when she sat the way she did, so close to him. It was almost enough to make you rethink all those late nights in your bedroom and the way she felt against you, almost enough to make you think that you could kid yourself you loved her and let her break your heart too, just to know that it was still there to break at all. If you were not breathing and standing, living, where you were, you might have thought you had no heart at all. You were sure that that was what Tommy had thought.

The door slammed open, you stepped quickly behind Arthur and stole a glance at the men bursting into the pub. Smaller, like Finn. Not Tommy. You breathed out. They were making their way over to your booth, wielding caps like broken swords of glory, drunk already off the taste of blood and reigning over these miserable streets, and you could see them stepping of the train from France as beautiful as today. Each day the war ended for them, each day they came back in triumph. You didn't want to see them when it began again each morning.

"Ada's friend." Arthur crowed, resting his arm around your shoulders and jostling you forward into the group of men with brotherly pride. There was nothing uncomfortable in the way his hands, hands with scars that screamed of murder and of things much darker still, hands that knew the body from the bedroom to the tomb, hands that had moved people to both, toyed with the fabric of your dress, running along the seams as he laughed at something one of the men had said (not about you, that would come in a minute when they had lost their sense of jubilant arrival and noticed that you too were here). You felt, strangely, almost reassured.

"(Y/N)." you explained, taking in the faces in the crowd as the men drifted away into the pub, one by one by one to their whiskey and their women. The way your night should have gone, sidetracked by the one encounter that had shaken you entirely, and once again you searched the room to make sure he was not here.

"Pretty, 'en't yer?" You did not blush; you were not impressed.

"Ey, have a little respect." Arthur shoved him away and you rolled your eyes, the boy shuffling off guiltily and disappearing into the crowd that by now filled the room until you were sick to bursting of the cheap cologne and bloodied suits that met you wherever you turned to breathe. And then your eyes found him, the face you thought you knew from somewhere dark and blurry in your mind, another life gone and almost forgotten until you saw him and it all came flooding back.

"Isaiah Jesus?" you couldn't help but stare at the boy in front of you, taller, a little more handsome and a whole lot more confident than the last time you had seen him. You were trying to push away the memory of the last time you had seen him, in the back-rooms of the church where you had told him you had to go, because Kent was looming and medical school was so much bigger and grander than anything in this small town for you. Prettier than him, and you knew it as you had kissed him for what you both knew was the last time, the last of a summer fling which you had all but left behind you. Prettier than him, and now you knew it had turned so ugly, so painful, that you wondered why you had left him at all. True you did not love him (perhaps you might have some long time ago, but now when you looked at him there was only the shadow of a childhood friend in the shadows on his face) but even that, the not loving, the lying and the cheating that the Peaky's did so well, could any of it have been so bad as the blood and death and love you'd left behind you in the darkness of your history?

"The very same." he turned to look you over, and you grinned as the look of shock washed over his face. "(Y/N) (Y/L/N)! Didn't think I'd see yer back so soon? Miss me all that much?"

"Don't make me laugh. Didn't think I'd see yer in here either, Jesus. What happened to the church, eh?" you grabbed the cap from off his head, settling in on your own and frowning at the stiffness in the brim, the little extra weight in the front that made your mind race with dreadful curiosity.

"Wasn't my style, love. Was always more of the... hands-on type." you grimaced at the euphemism, knowing (and thanking the Lord) that he wouldn't say anything more for fear of driving you away. By the way your day had gone, you thought it might well drive you away as he so feared. You'd had enough of the violence for one day. "But you, you and yer medicine, now that was something I never saw coming." he shook his head thoughtfully, staring at you like he was trying to look into your soul. You knew full well he couldn't - Isaiah was Isaiah, funny and honest and sometimes a little kind too, but Isaiah had never been very good at reading your mind, and you knew the years away had done anything but help.

"What, didn't think I'd make a good doctor?" you joked. Of course he didn't, looking back it was easy to see that you were never the right sort. You went to war, a scared little girl that had a soul like snow, meek and childish and waiting to bear all the sins of the world that you would see. The blood had fallen deeper than your skin, your hands gone past their injuries to pull apart the emptiness beneath and try and make it fit within your own. How could you ever be a doctor when every man you tried to save just made you more and more sick.

"Thought you'd make an excellent doctor, love. Just didn't think you'd be coming back when you left us all 'ere." you knew he wished you hadn't. Everyone wished you hadn't, even you. You nearly got out, and that was the tragic part of your fairytale life. The part where you found your Happily Ever After had so quickly become the part where you returned back to the castle alone in tears and rags, your Prince Charming nowhere to be seen and all the world a little less magical for it.

"Aye, but here we are all the same." the way it came out, you thought the whole room could hear your heart breaking, but it had broken many times since this morning when you woke up, and every time you were becoming just a little more human.

"And it is good to have yer back again. I know people must be saying a lot about it." he took a step closer, looking down at you softly like all those times before when you were just kids messing round in the church and pretending you knew how to love anything at all. Taking a drink from a man who had been walking by, he waved the other men along until it was just you two, standing alone against the wall in a room full of people. Like all those days when you thought there was a world out there bigger than you could ever be.

"You wouldn't believe the half of it." you rolled your eyes, following the way the crowds swirled and shifted with the steady stream of people filtering in through the doors. Faces you knew; you smiled to them tightly as they passed and they looked quickly away from the Blinder by your side. You wondered what they'd say when they knew. You wondered what Isaiah would say. "And how is the great Isaiah now that he's turned to other forms of work?"

"Oh I'm grand. You won't believe the things we do now there's no one who can stop us. You" he downed his drink in one long gulp and pointed a slightly drifting finger at you. Isaiah had always been a bit of a lightweight when you had known him, and it was vaguely comforting to see that even now he was having trouble after his second whiskey, "should come along sometime. Get a real feel of the place."

"Think maybe I've felt enough." you shuddered involuntarily at the thought of more dark nights in these grim streets where blood and water ran side by side under the shadows of cold summer rains and the sins they washed away. "Thanks for the offer, Jesus, but think I might be staying in for a bit more." you patted his arm kindly and tried to let him know that though your heart and head were sadder than he could ever understand, there was a bittersweet gladness in you that he was here again, the only thing that hadn't changed in all that time you were away; the only thing you knew for sure.

"Bad break-up?" he piped up through the thoughts that hung around you both like a heavy mist of gloom. There were no feelings left unsaid between you two - you had made very sure of that when you had gone away, the tears in his eyes enough to burn a hole in all the thousand memories of the town as you left it on your way to somewhere better which in the end was no better at all - still you thought he could see that there were things you would not tell him just yet, only just now reunited as you were.

"You haven't heard the half of it." you laughed weakly and taking another drink from Arthur as he sidled up to the two of you, girl in hand. What would Tommy say - he had always seemed so honest and true, but now you couldn't shake the image of him and the pretty blonde from earlier standing as close together as Arthur with his girl and John with one of many of tonight's conquests. You knew John, you could not blame him, and besides it was just his way. He loved to be loved, and you couldn't not deny him that. But you also could not deny that you would give anything to be the girl that Tommy sat next to night after night. Not her, never her. She would never know what you had seen of Tommy, and she would never see it too, the thought alone gave you some small comfort.

"Then forget 'im. Sounds like a right tosser. Ditch the boy and 'ave a drink with us, eh? Just like old times." Isaiah shoved you playfully and you knocked into Arthur, mumbling a short apology and glaring back at Isaiah with only love in your eyes. Thank you for being here. I don't know what I'd do without you.

"I have work tomorrow." it was a lame excuse, yet another way to try and get yourself out of here and back to the church because all of a sudden every face you saw in the crowd looked for all the world like Tommy's, every laugh like the laughter you had pressed from him in those happier days when he still smiled like he hadn't this afternoon.

"You told Ada you'd come, didn't yer?" Isaiah pressed you to stay, smirking at a girl across the room distractedly and you sighed heavily. The events of the day were fast flooding through you, shaking you to the bone as it all became more and more real by the minute, and right now you wanted nothing more than some fresh air and solitude to let it all pass you by. Perhaps it was better for everyone if you just left.

"Yeah, for one drink. I've 'ad my drink, think I'd rather just be off." you pushed up off the wall and searched the crowd for Ada to tell her her you were leaving but she was nowhere to be found. You knew better than to look for her and get lost in the backrooms where you had never gone before. Somehow you had never got around to finding out what went on exactly behind those closed doors, and now you knew it was only Tommy, sitting at a disk like a man who said the war was a noble thing. So far from the little broken man in the hospital who said that war was hell. So far from your sweet, sad lover.

"(Y/N)..." Isaiah ran his fingers over the bumps of jutting bones on your wrist, a world of pity in his eyes that you had not noticed there before. You were so much thinner than you had been when you had left Small Heath, and gone was that baby fat that even in your teenage years softened the harsh lines of no food and no sleep that now cut you up into a sharp outline of a human being. The war had changed you, inside and out, and the pain was hard to hide.

"Some other time, Isaiah. Just not tonight." and you both knew it wouldn't be tomorrow either, or the day after, or the day after that. You were tired, so very, very tired, and you thought you would be tired forever. Of Tommy Shelby and of Small Heath, and of the way you never seemed to fit the way you probably should. This was your home, so why did you feel so out of place?

"Let me walk you home, at least." he pleaded half-heartedly and his eyes were filled with worry. You thought you could see in them some semblance of the sweet little boy he had been when the two of you owned the world, and you wished you could make it stay somehow. Damn the war and damn Tommy Shelby for making monsters of these men and for making a fool of you.

"Isaiah, you just got here!" you laughed weakly and then, a little quieter and a little sadder still, "I don't want to ruin your night."

"You can't possibly ruin my night." he sighed dramatically as you shook your head and made to protest, cutting you off before you had time to tell him no again, "Then if not me, at least walk with one of the men."

"You're not gonna let me say no, are you."

"Absolutely not. 'Ere." he set down his glass quickly and waved over a man who stood some way behind him. Through the crowds and the smoke and the shadows that played upon the walls, shading you in their cool semi-darkness, you couldn't quite make him out completely. When you looked him over you caught only that he was not quite as tall as all the men around him, and he stood like he had something to hide. "Michael, (Y/N). (Y/N), Michael. He can walk you. I trust 'im with- well, maybe not my life exactly, but someone else's life. On a good day."

"And I mean so much to you." you rolled your eyes at him again and he grinned as though at last you had found some familiar footing, something that you could salvage from the wreckage of your bombed-out lives that the war had taken from you both.

"For old times' sake, eh?" he rested his hand lightly on your arm and you tried to play off the way your heart ached at his words. You had history and it had ended so tragically, and here he was trying to pick up where you left off when you both knew that all the world had ended since then.

"I hope you know there's absolutely no way we're doing that again." you joked, but there was a heaviness in your voice that let him know that you had loved enough since him to never love again, that your heart was utterly broken and that he stood no chance.

"Oh I wouldn't dream of it." you let out a deep breath at that. At least you had one thing you knew for sure, for Isaiah at least had never lied to you.

"Then I suppose this is good night." you stepped past him, stopping to take his hand off your arm and squeeze it tight before you let it go. "Good night Isaiah. It's good to see you again."

And then you were off, through the pub and through the doors and into the late afternoon where the sun was setting over the grim grey buildings, with the elusive Michael at your heels. 

Taglist: 

@actorinfluence @captivatedbycillianmurphy @stressedandbandobessed7771

#peaky blinders #Tommy Shelby #Arthur Shelby #John Shelby #Finn Shelby #Ada Shelby #Isaiah Jesus #Michael Gray #Tommy Shelby x reader #Thomas Shelby #Thomas Shelby x reader #reader insert #fanfiction #peaky blinders x reader

[enchanted-prose]

#4 “I’m NOT A Baby!”

Once again I’m sooo sorry for publishing a day late! I’ve had several requests for more information on Bymar on other publishing platforms, so I figured maybe it’s time to set this ball rolling! I’m publishing these because I’m planning on writing a novel length fanfiction, and want to introduce my audience to some characters and concepts early on! (Plus I’m secretly trying to gather an audience to read said novel length work) I’ll begin publishing my longer work sometime in June! I’ll make a little preview and give a release date eventually!

Word Count: 4,048

Characters: Jaron, Imogen, Tobias, Amarinda, Roden, Jolly (Original Character), Merry (Original Character)

Notes: Halfway edited! There might be a few mistakes! Enjoy!

"It's going to be a nice evening," Jaron insisted, but he knew that a nice evening was a little too much to ask for.

Especially when it involved the Dragon's Keep, the weekend, and a certain captain of the guard who was ready to make a fool of himself.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Donning a set of rags for a night out on the town. 

After all, Jaron and Imogen had their escapade at the festival only last week. At this rate, they'd be abandoning their duties all too regularly, and leaving Tobias with a massive headache that could only be cured by seeing Jaron seated on the throne and far far far away from anything remotely entertaining.

If things went wrong, it was obviously the will of the Saints. 

Obviously.

"You say that now," Imogen only shrugged. "I'm almost expecting to see a bar fight. I'll be disappointed if one doesn't happen."

"Are you hoping to see violence?"

"No, I'm just hoping to see you get your arse handed to you for once."

Jaron froze in his tracks, hands on his hips. He pouted as hard as he could, "Imogen, I'd never be foolish enough to get my arse handed to me."

"Uh- huh, you always insist on not being a fool moments before you do something foolish. I know you Jaron."

Unfortunately, she was right, and Jaron knew that. 

He wouldn't be able to argue against her point, so instead he kissed the top of her head. Imogen didn't take back what she said, but she still reached for Jaron's hand.

Seemed like she wasn't entirely fed up with him yet.

They could hear laughter from the tavern echoing through the alleyways. People were out arm in arm, hand in hand, and sometimes fist to face. Jaron caught himself grinning. Without a warning, he spun Imogen around, pulled her into an embrace, and pressed a sloppy kiss on her lips.

She squealed, eventually slipping into a giggling mess, "Vagabond!"

"You like it," Jaron insisted, his arm now draped over her shoulders.

"I most certainly did not."

"Yes, you most certainly did."

"Did not!

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

At this rate, he'd only kiss her again. Imogen had to have known that, as each time Jaron leaned in close, she wriggled her way away from him. It didn't take long before they were laughing.

There wasn't any other person Jaron would want to be with, or any other person he'd rather terrorize.

Although Mott was a close second. 

Followed by Tobias.

And then followed by Roden.

Truth be told, he did get quite the rise out of picking on his closest friends. 

Jaron did his best to kiss Imogen, but she successfully dodged him.

Chaos was threatening to spill out of the Dragon's Keep and into the streets. Laughter rumbled the outside of the tavern. Loud music seemed to be breaking out of the windows. 

However, it seemed like there hadn't been any fights.

Yet.

"Into the fray we go," Jaron announced as he pushed open the door for Imogen.

Imogen wrinkled her nose, "Can we go home now?" 

"And hurt Roden's feelings? He'd be so upset that we didn't come to see him drain two full barrels of something only the Saints know about."

"I think it's sad that he does that."

"So long as he doesn't vomit on the soldiers, I don't see it as a problem."

"I know, but- I don't know, it just seems like- it seems like he's hurting. This isn't how you get over something that hurts."

No.

No it wasn't how you got over something that brought you pain. It only pushed it away. It only bought you an opportunity to forget everything.

But Jaron had no intention of forcing Roden to stop doing something that eased that hurt. 

Eased that painful ache nobody else could see.

Jaron shook his shoulders, determined not to confront his own bitter memories. He gestured to a wall lined with kegs of alcohol, "Do you think they'll have fruit juice for me? You know how I get without my juice."

"I'm sure they'll have a special pitcher full of fresh juice just for you," Imogen teased, reaching for Jaron's hand. "Is that our favorite troubadour I see?"

Sure enough, perched on a table, was Jolly of Angelmarr. 

Dressed head to toe in purple and pink, Jolly was a sight for sore eyes. He was waving an ornate lute in the air with one hand, and spilling a drink on his spectators with the other. 

"Has anybody seen my drink girl? I need a new drink!" Jolly declared as the last of his tankard's contents spilled out onto the floor. 

"Jolly!" Jaron cried, waving at his friend. "You're, ah, you're looking quite well!"

"Oh yes! I feel," he coughed. "I feel amazing! It'd be better if I got myself a new drink. Have you got any, Your Majesty?"

Normally, Jaron would've had to lie about being mistaken for the king despite actually being the king, but almost every customer in the Dragon's Keep was too drunk to even see straight.

"Would it be mean to make him play a song?" Jaron asked innocently. "Try to get him to dance at the same time?"

"Is he actually drunk?" Imogen crossed her arms, uncrossed them, and reached for Jaron's hand again. 

"If he can successfully play us a song, then no, he's not drunk. But! If he plays the first few bars and begins to cry, then he's most definitely drunk."

"Get him to play something fun."

Jaron practically had to wave his arms above his head to get Jolly to play a song, which quickly evolved into a bawdy ballad about a young lady and her goat man lover.

Jolly didn't cry while he sang, but he did repeat the song three times in a row. Both Jaron and Imogen agreed that Jolly might not have been entirely sober, but not entirely drunk either. 

More and more people poured into the tavern, the atmosphere growing louder and louder as each person stepped in. Imogen led Jaron to the wooden bar protecting a wall of kegs. There they waited for any sign of Tobias and Amarinda.

Finding Roden in this mess would be awful.

"Oh! I see them!" Imogen exclaimed, tugged on Jaron's shirtsleeve.

"Dear Saints I already hate it here," Tobias was gripping Amarinda's hand as if he was going to be swept away in a sea of drunk customers. 

Amarinda smiled, "I think it's fun. Though I can't be drinking too much, I'm going to be meeting with one of Queen Danika's ladies about a situation on Idunn Craich."

Idunn Craich, Jaron recognized the name. It was one of the five kingdom states that made up Bymar.

"What kind of situation?" Jaron arched an eyebrow, curious as to what Amarinda would say.

"Two years ago there was an alleged alliance between Idunn Craich's ruling noble house and King Vargan. It was handled by several lords of Queen Danika's court, which shouldn't have happened. Very messy, the lords murdered most of the house, we've been trying to locate anybody who might've survived."

"If you need any help, I'll put the guard up to it."

"Thank you, Jaron," Amrinda nodded. "However, I don't think- I don't think we're going to find anybody. Danika wants to make amends."

"You never know, people tend to survive-"

"You came!" Burst Roden, a sunshine smile painted all over his face. He threw his arms around the nearest person, and ultimately managed to crush Amarinda, Jaron, and Tobias together in a massive embrace. 

"How tipsy are you?" Tobias croaked as he tried to wriggle his way free.

"I actually haven't, ah," Roden peeked over his shoulder. "I haven't drank anything. Made a blithering fool of myself so now I have reason to drink myself to oblivion, but that's alright!"

"You're sure you're still sober?"

"Absolutely, which makes my mistake even worse."

A mistake was made? 

While Roden was sober?

A devilish grin wormed its way to Jaron's face, "Aren't you going to tell us? I'm awfully curious now. You've managed to get my attention despite the clamor."

Roden's smile grew wider just as his tanned face grew a deep red, "I, ah, I was talking to Jolly-"

"I can already see where your mistake was made. Nobody should ever talk to him when he's not sober."

"Right, well, I, ah, was talking to Jolly and got really, er, excited about speaking to somebody who'd caught my eye."

Jaron didn't think it was possible to look both absolutely elated and completely humiliated at the same time, but Roden somehow managed to pull it off.

"Did they reject you?" Amarinda asked. "I didn't know people rejected you, Roden. I didn’t know you flirted with people either."

"Well I don’t, and, uh, I marched right up to this person, looked them dead in the eye and-," he paused, his childish smile melting into a cringe. "And I said 'it's a wonderful evening'."

"That's not all you said, isn't it?" asked Jaron, though he already knew the answer.

"You're, ah, you're right. I really said 'it's a wonderful night for an evening', and M- this person, sorry, said 'the sky has weather outside'. . . And then told me to piss off. Me. To piss off."

It was hard not to laugh. 

Jaron snorted, coughed, and finally cleared his throat, "I'm sorry, you told them it was a nice night for an evening, they then told you that the sky has weather and told you to go away. Not your, ah, not your most romantic moment."

"Barkeep! What's the strongest whatever you have here tonight?" Roden asked, turning all attention away from his failed flirtations. 

Tobias, Amarinda, Jaron, and Imogen all shared a glance as Roden proceeded to order five tankards full of something potent and salty. 

Thank the Saints they all managed not to laugh. 

"Are you going to tell us who the lucky person is who caught your eye and managed to be brave enough to turn you away?" Tobias did his best to duck as a very large man began dancing.

"No, and I'm going to get so drunk I don't remember anything," Roden shot back. "First I'm going to drink these, and then I'm going to drain three kegs of mead. Jaron, put Feall in charge for the next two days, recovery is going to take a while."

"It couldn't have been that bad. . ." muttered Imogen. 

"Oh, trust me, it was."

And Roden tilted his head back and drained his entire tankard.

Jaron hid his concern, it wasn't normal for somebody to be able to do that. However, Tobias didn't seem shocked, probably because he'd been the one to deal with Roden's fierce hangovers.

"Are you sure we can't go home now?" Tobias batted his lashes.

"Pouting like that only works for pretty girls, and you're neither of those, so please stop before I have to burn my eyes," Jaron teased. "Let Roden drink his fill, and then we'll go home. I'd like to help Amarinda with her Bymarian situation."

"It'll get messy if more details come to light," Amarinda took a seat near Jaron, her hand on Tobias's back.

"What do you mean?" asked Imogen.

Despite the noise, a wave of uncomfortable quiet rippled through their conversation. Several glances passed between Tobias and Amarinda. 

"Bymar is split into five kingdom states, and ruled by separate noble houses. There's several houses, seventeen that are recognized by the crown," Amarinda explained. "Only five rule the kingdom states, which leaves a lot of room for jealousy. Dainka and Norman are technically high queen and high king, what they say goes, and nobody can challenge that unless the seventeen houses can unanimously agree that the policy needs to be changed.

"Three years ago, House Thay ruled Idunn Craich, and there were rumors that King Graer Thay was making a deal with Vargan. Danika and Norman were occupied, so the noble houses took it on themselves to subdue House Thay. The entire family was imprisoned, most of them slaughtered. Danika and Norman were able to prevent further bloodshed, but several members of House Thay are gone. There's no record of their deaths and no bodies anywhere. 

"However, there are, ah, rumors, about members of House Thay trying to make their way back to court. Supposedly, Lady Mireldis Thay has been spotted in Carthya. Danika has sent several members of her court to confirm or deny these rumors. Feall and I will be helping, too, but it's very unlikely that anything will-"

"Feall's told me all about-," Roden hiccuped. "Lady Thay. They're coming to collect evidence, not the girl."

"How do you know that?" Amarinda's voice had taken an edge. . . But no reply came from Roden as he drained his third tankard.

Jaron scratched the back of his neck, he'd heard about the situation on Idunn Craich.

But he had no idea how Queen Danika's court members would be able to find one young woman who could be anywhere in the country.

He wondered if Roden’s drunken musings were correct. To him, it seemed more likely that they were coming to collect evidence against House Thay, especially if Feall was involved.

Feall had a love for justice.

It would be difficult to let him return to Bymar, as he’d done much for Drylliad during the last few weeks. 

“Here comes Jolly,” Imogen said, jerking her head in the troubadour’s direction.

“Don’t look, don’t look, don’t- Hello again!” Jaron forced himself to smile. He wasn’t in the mood for fun and games anymore.

He wanted to figure out Amarinda’s Bymarian political puzzle.

“Did you make Roden cry?” Jolly’s cheery demeanor instantly faded into hostility. 

“I didn’t,” Tobias held up his hands. Mirth sparkled in his eyes as he pointed at Jaron, “But he did.”

“I did not make Roden cry!” Jaron insisted, completely aware of how indignant he sounded.

“I don’t cry!” Roden held up his fifth tankard to the ceiling. “Not about anything!”

Jaron rolled his eyes, continuing his merciless teasing, “Yes you do, you cried about a basket full of kittens abandoned on the curb. You massive baby.”

“I’m not a baby!”

“Yes you are,” Jaron and Amarinda said in unison. They looked at each other in surprise before bursting into laughter. 

Jolly reached for Roden’s tankard, who jerked away, sloshing most of the contents onto the ground and onto Jolly’s bright clothing.

“He tried to hit on somebody, it didn’t go well for either of them,” Jaron explained. “Or at least, that’s what it sounds like.”

“Don’t worry, I know,” Jolly once again reached for Roden’s drink. “You’re acting like a child!”

“I am not!” was Roden’s bone rattling reply. 

“Are too!” 

“Am not!

“Hand Jolly the tankard, Roden, you’re making a mess,” Tobias said firmly.

Jaron coughed to cover his laugh as Roden stared at Tobias with eyes full of betrayal, and then shoved his tankard to Jolly’s outstretched hand.

However, Jolly wasn’t finished. He beckoned for the fifth tankard, “I’ll need that one too.”

“You’re ruining my evening,” grumbled Roden as he handed over the final tankard. “Stiff.”

“Baby.”

“I’m not a baby!”

“You’re going to make him cry!” Jaron snickered, earning a push from Imogen.

He knew very well that he deserved that push.

“I don’t- dear Saints somebody hide me,” Roden said as he tried to duck behind Tobias. “It’s her.”

“Hello Merry,” said Jaron, a series of greetings from everybody else chorusing behind him.

“Hello all,” Merry nodded. “You’ve got quite the faces for a group of friends in a tavern.”

“Roden ruined it for us,” Jaron snipped. This time, he got an elbow to the ribs, “Hey! That hurts! And she knows I’m joking!”

“Did you, ah, did you put him up to that?” 

“Put him up to-,” Amarinda began.

Jolly was ready with a response, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Merry.”

“I think you do know what I’m talking about.”

All eyes shot to Jolly, who squirmed on his feet.

Only a few seconds ticked by before he threw his hands up to surrender, “Alright! Fine! Yes, it was me! Happy?”

Merry frowned, “No. It was mean. Can I talk to you for a moment, Captain Harlowe?”

“I don’t know who that is,” Roden insisted.

However, that didn’t stop Merry. She took him by the elbow, excused herself, and dragged Roden away from the wood bar.

“I told him to speak with Merry. As friends! Don’t glare at me so! He really said ‘Nice night for an evening’,” Jolly snickered, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. “Saints, he’s so funny.”

“Not the type of prank I’d play, but it was certainly devious,” Jaron was ready to dodge Imogen’s elbow, only to receive a light tap to the back of his head. “What!?”

“It was mean, and now Roden’s embarrassed, you know he was looking forward to tonight,” Imogen scowled. 

“I wasn’t about to let his entire evening be ruined.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“I still think it was funny. ‘Nice night for an evening’,” Jolly was the only one laughing. 

Imogen inhaled, “There’s a difference between laughing at somebody and laughing with somebody. Roden was obviously mortified and not in the mood.”

“In Roden’s defense, Merry shot back with ‘the sky has weather’, which is equally embarrassing.”

“Merry told him that the sky has weather?” Tobias snorted.

“What idiots,” Jolly smiled. “Anyways, do you want to play a drinking game with me?”

Everybody instantly said no, which then led to everybody laughing. 

Jaron glanced over his shoulder, trying to look for Roden and Merry. As much as he would’ve liked to laugh at another form of ‘a nice night for an evening’, he didn’t want to see his friend make an absolute fool of himself.

He could’ve sworn he saw Roden’s blue and gold tunic near the far corner.

And he could’ve sworn he saw somebody get- somebody-

The atmosphere shattered.

Somebody had been thrown out of the tavern’s glass window.

Fighting broke out amongst all of the bar customers, even the ones who'd been friends before the fight broke out. Men were laughing as they turned around and knocked the teeth out of the person nearest to them. Tobias's eyes went wide, almost like a pair of dinner plates were growing out of his head.

"Can we please go now?" Imogen asked, ducking as a tankard came careening towards the wall behind her.

"At this rate," Jaron jumped to his feet, a smile spreading on his face. "At this rate, we're going to have to fight our way out! Roden! Where'd you go?!"

A fist came flying towards Jaron's face, but he launched himself directly at his laughing attacker to keep the blow from hitting one of his friends, or worse, his wife.

It didn't take much for the attacker to throw his hands at somebody else. Jaron decided right then and there that they all needed to leave. He reached out for Imogen's hand, and practically yanked her to her feet.

In a way, dodging punches became a game.

Except in this game, you risked losing your teeth.

Jaron frantically looked for Roden each time he had the chance, ultimately deciding that Roden was just going to have to hold his own this time.

Imogen's safety was the top priority.

Somewhere along the way, Jolly got lost in the crowd. Jaron didn't mind. He had the quiet feeling that this whole bar fight could be pinned on his shoulders.

And he had an even louder feeling that maybe Roden had been the one who caused the fight in the first place.

"Right, any bruises?" Tobias asked the second they stepped out of the Dragon's Keep and into the cold night air.

"I'm clean," Jaron answered, looking Imogen's arms over for any purple bruises.

Amarinda cracked her knuckles, "I could go back in and find Roden if you really wanted me too."

"Roden can handle himself, besides, this will take his mind off of the fact that we mercilessly teased him after he tried to, ah, flirt with Merry," muttered Tobias as he wiped his forehead. "I do hope he's alright, though. He does tend to think very little for his own safety."

"It's both noble and a little dangerous."

"Maybe we should go in after-"

Tobias never got to finish his sentence, as a second man came careening out of the tavern's other unbroken window.

It was hard to tell, at first, but Jaron soon realized that in the middle of the fist fight was a blue and gold tunic.

Sure enough, Roden was holding his own.

And also the one responsible for throwing men out of the window.

"Do we-?" Jaron looked to each of his companions, knowing that they understood what he was asking.

For several moments, nobody spoke. Nobody knew what to say. Tobias coughed, "I think we should just leave him be. You know how much he likes throwing a strong punch after drinking something with enough alcohol to kill a bear."

"I think it's time that we interfered with our friend's habit," Imogen pointed out, her hands on her hips. "It's just not safe."

"He looks like he's-," Jaron moved to the left as a third man came shooting out of another window, "He looks like he's having the time of his life."

The fight ended up lasting a half hour, which wasn't nearly as bad as Jaron was expecting, considering how full the bar had been.

It ended when Jolly, Merry, and Roden all came stumbling out of the Dragon's Keep.

Or really they were swept out by an angry bartender, telling them to come back when the 

Devils' lair froze over.

Jaron snickered to himself, knowing that Roden was responsible for a large portion of the money the tavern earned. He'd be welcome back in the Dragon's Keep soon enough.

He was bleeding from a cut on his cheek, but the smile on his face meant that whatever emotional turmoil Roden was grappling with had faded. Next to him, Merry's face rivaled the gruesome scowls of cathedral gargoyles.

And then there was Jolly.

Who was just behaving like himself, as always.

"Everything okay?" Jaron asked, arching his eyebrow as he stared at all the members of the trio.

"I'm perfectly fine," answered Roden, seemingly unaware that the cut on his cheek was now bleeding onto the collar of his tunic. He slipped his arm around Merry's shoulder, who instantly weaseled away. "I've actually never been better, do you think we could stay out? I'm really enjoying my-"

"Follow my finger," Tobias said as he dragged his pointer finger in a line. When Roden moved his whole head to follow Tobias's finger, he frowned, "No, with just your eyes, Roden. Your eyes! Not your whole head!"

"I am using my eyes!" Roden insisted as he continued to move his head to see Tobias's finger.

Ah, Jaron recognized that type of injury. It was one you couldn't see.

Roden once again tried to put an arm around Merry's shoulder, and once again, she slipped 

away, this time taking her place on Jolly's right side.

"I, er, I, uh, I think we need to get you back to the castle, my friend," Jaron set a hand on 

Roden's shoulder, subtly taking him away from Jolly and Merry. "How are you feeling?"

"Dizzy, but also, ah," Roden looked at Merry, who was grinning at him. . . Until she realized 

Jaron was looking at her, and then she looked away. That only made Roden smile more, "I feel 

dizzy, but also as if I were, um, I can't describe it, I'm sorry. I feel very good for the first time in a- whoa, the ground's tipping."

"His brain's been a little rattled," Tobias explained.

"That doesn't take much, considering that he hasn't got much of a brain up in that fat head of his," Jolly teased, though he did seem genuinely concerned about Roden's well being.

The morning after the bar fight, Tobias did his best to ask Roden about what he remembered about the night before. . .

And to everyone’s relief, he didn’t remember anything.

It was better that way.

#the ascendance series #ascendance series #the ascendance trilogy #ascendance trilogy #the false prince #the runaway king #the shadow throne #prince jaron #jaron #jaron artolius eckbert #imogen #imogen of bultain #princess amarinda #tobias #roden #ocs #fic friday #fic friday except its saturday

[adonis-koo]

kiss me and take off your clothes (M)

Note: Bury a friend 3 is still in beta and all of my Hyung line fics are still in draft but I really wanted to post ??? Jungkook sweetie I’m so sorry.

My first attempt at smut so be gentle on me 😔 I’ve always wanted to write an 8th!member reader but not like this partners, lemme know if y’all want more 8th!M Reader.

Pairing: Platonic Jungkook/8thM!Reader, implied Taehyung/Reader, Reader is honestly a slut for ot7 if you squint,

Tags: implied romantic interest, mutual pining, switch!Jungkook, fairly vanilla, slightly kinky towards the end but nothing extreme

Plot: In which Jungkook, the last person you ever expected to be in your bedroom late at night, gives an even more shocking request.

-

The water pattered against the sink as you sighed into the warm wash towel, taking off your makeup that stubbornly stuck to your face the entire concert before beginning your extensive night routine.

More days then less you’d find yourself in Jimin’s bathroom to keep each other entertained as face washing was a serious business and often took almost an hour majority of the days. Your skin was more likely to breakout then others meaning you couldn’t necessarily afford to slack off.

Fans would love you regardless whether your skin was glass like or not, but it did help your self esteem seeing it clear everyday. You would’ve went to Jimin’s room but he had already passed out an hour ago along with Yoongi and Taehyung and Hoseok were binging on Netflix at the moment.

Any other candidates were out of the question, Namjoon had begun working on idea’s for the next album while Seokjin had already finished his nightly routine as soon as they got back to the hotel. And Jungkook? It would be a frozen day in hell before you could even get him to look at a cleanser, let alone apply it.

Sighing you vigorously ran through your routine, probably faster then you should’ve and a little more rough then normal, leaving your skin a blotchy red and rather sensitive by the time you had finished up. Knowing your luck you’d most likely breakout due to over exposing your skin to chemicals. Sighing you walked back out to your end before collapsing on the soft mattress.

It was nearing 12:30 and you would have to be at rehearsals first thing in then morning tomorrow in preparation for your second show in Chicago. It was unlikely you’d get any sleep tonight, just like you did any other night but it was worth a shot and your body had practically been begging to rest. Turning off the lamp you rolled over onto your stomach while yawning.

It couldn’t have been more then ten minutes of having your eyes shut before you heard a soft knock at the door, groaning you rolled onto your back. Who could be bothering you now? Probably Jimin he was such a brat when it came to wanting attention, he was your elder but he certainly didn’t act like it more days then less.

Your body protested as you tiredly slung your legs off the bed, slowly slinking to the door as you opened it complaining whilst yawning, “Jimin g- Jungkook?” You rubbed your eyes tiredly as they adjusted to the dim light, Jungkook stood on the other side, looking oddly nervous as he caught sight of you, “What is it?”

It was rare for Jungkook to ever be the one bugging you at night, he’d rather play Overwatch or if you were involved at all for something during the night it was often to prank you, but never, never would he knock at your door fidgeting. He swallowed slightly before looking away from you again, “Can I- uh come in?”

Stuttering? You squinted your eyes but said nothing as you opened the door, you had known him since you were both fifteen and he hadn’t acted like this around you since your debut. That was several years ago now and living together broke his shyness inevitably. Closing the door you turned back to face him, “So...?”

You rose your eyebrows expectantly as he fidgeted again, hesitance written all over his face, you could- unfortunately read him like a book, “Well...” he trailed off for a minute looking unsure of himself, “I was wondering...”

Sighing you dropped your shoulders impatiently, “Yes?” You shook your head slightly , you weren’t always so irritable but it was almost 1 in the morning and you did have practice early the next day. After a few seconds of silence Jungkook’s shoulders dropped as he sighed, running a hand through his hair as he muttered, “Ah, nevermind this was a stupid idea- I’m sorry for waking you Y/n...”

Jungkook began to walk past you as you took a deep breath, letting your expression soften as you caught his arm, feeling slightly bad for being so impatient with him, “It’s fine, what did you want to ask?”

He looked back at you, his pupils slightly dilated though it was difficult to tell in the lowlit room, it’s only source being the moonlight that streamed in, pressing his lips together he shook his head, “No really it’s fine...You need to get what sleep you can...”

His words lingered as though he was still debating on whatever it was he wanted to ask, he didn’t make a move to pull from your warm grip either as you furrowed your brows, “I’m not going to get any sleep whether you stay or not we both know that...So why not just ask what you want?” Finally you broke into that familiar smile you often wore, “You know I’m an open book.”

Jungkook looked down at you, relaxing slightly at the warm sight. For everything that had changed about you both your smile was the one thing that stayed the same, he liked it, a lot. Using his free hand to rub the back of his head he began to feel his face redden at the idea, “Well I was wondering if...” He stopped for a second looking down at you again before away, unable to look at you while asking, “If you could be my first...”

Your expression fell as you parted your lips, blinking blankly, that...you weren’t necessarily expecting him to say that, he couldn’t be actually asking...? “Uh...first as in...?”

It was difficult to see in the light but you’d like to imagine had it been daylight his face surely would’ve been stark red as he began to pull out of your grip, “See? I told you this was a stupid idea...”

But you began to laugh much to his humiliation, grabbing his arm again just as he escaped your grasp, pulling him back towards you as you grabbed his other arm, “No! It’s not a bad idea, I just didn’t realize you were still a virgin. You want me to be your first?”

Jungkook was just about ready to wilt under your smiling gaze, feeling like he was a schoolboy again as he squirmed in your grip, “Please don’t say it like that...I...” he looked away again closing his eyes, before rushing to explain himself, “I just want it to be with someone I’m comfortable with...someone I can trust...you were the first person that came to mind and you have experience...but you don’t have too!”

He quickly rushed the end, as if realizing he didn’t want to pressure you into doing anything you weren’t comfortable with. In fact he honestly figured you’d reject him, but surprisingly enough you only nodded with a shrug, “Well it’s understandable, we both know my first wasn’t exactly in a relationship.” You smile came off more wary as your brows furrowed.

And Jungkook knew exactly what you meant, you had lost your virginity young and of all people to Taehyung he would never forget Seokjin casually complaining about it the morning after at breakfast. But he never had the nerve to ask for details about how it had happened or why, or if there was a possible relationship between you both.

“But...” you pressed your lips together, letting go of his forearms before continuing, “It was really pleasant. I had a very nice time and I think that’s what made it so special. People often think they need to be with someone they love to share their first but I disagree. More times then less you’ll have your heartbroken by them and often regret it.”

Jungkook found himself curiously listening to your words, it was hard for him to not be relaxed by your words. Ever since he had finally asked you had been very casual about it, and maybe that’s what he liked so much about you, furthermore he didn’t feel so awkward anymore now hearing a little bit about your first, “I...actually had the same thought. I want my first to be with someone I care about-“ he cut himself off feeling rather flustere, not use to sharing such affectionate thoughts aloud, finally he forced himself to continue, “Someone I know I won’t ever lose. That’s why I wanted it to be with you...but I don’t want you to be pressured- Why are you taking off your clothes!?”

You stopped at your mid stomach at his flustered words, face red again as you put your shirt back down while asking, “Why would I reject you? Or feel uncomfortable? We’ve known each other for years now. Besides I feel rather flattered to be your first.” You curved an eyebrow, giving a smirk that made Jungkook have the urge to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment.

It was the truth honestly, you were one of the more- if not the most- sexually active member, you had slept with a fair share of people, relationship or not. This would be no different except in the realms of it being Jungkook’s first and him being your band mate. The only other aspect that would be different was you had never been anyone’s first before.

But you were more then happy to oblige as you nodded towards the bed, laughing at his face, red again as he ran a hand through his hair, looking back towards the door as though he are second guessing himself, “Look,” You smiled easily, sitting on the side of the bed as you shrugged, “I’m fine with it, I think the better question is, are you? It’s your first after all, you shouldn’t feel obligated to lose your virginity.”

“No that’s not it!” Jungkook rushes the sentence before quickly cutting himself off, flustered again as he murmured, “I just...don’t know when I’ll get in a relationship...and I’d like to be experienced when I do...” you could barely hear his voice by the end of his sentence, he was so clearly embarrassed it was hard not to laugh, “I’m just- nervous is all. What if I’m not good?”

Finally you nodded, understanding now that you should’ve expected it. Jungkook was without a doubt the most shy member, of course he’d be nervous about his first time. If that was the only issue then you had no problems gently guiding him. Standing up you crossed your arms with a cheeky smile, “Well the good news is it’s okay to be bad your first time. Not that I think you will be but...it’s a first time for a reason.”

You gave another laugh, deciding what tactic to use to break the shy boy out of his shell you had not seen in a long time. Sure you had seen it at award shows, backstage parties. He was an absolute hermit around other girls and god forbid IU be there or else he’d be hiding behind Namjoon and Seokjin the entire time. But you hadn’t seen him like this with you in several years.

Opening the drawer of your nightstand you pulled out your hand held speaker, Jungkook peered curiously but said nothing as you turned it on. Opening your phone you pulled up your favorite lo-fi playlist, setting both devices down on the nightstand before making your way towards him, nodding towards the bed as you encouraged, “Come on, sit down.”

You made no attempt to grab him, not wanting to run him off in the process. He stood still for a minute before slowly budging, following you back to the bed. You sat down cross legged on the middle of the leg as you patted the spot in front of you, “I’m not going to bite Jungkook....too hard.” You smiled cheekily at the end of your sentence.

Huffing Jungkook flusterstly sat down crossed legged across from you as he looked away, “Why do you have to be so casual about this?”

You tilted your head as you raised your eyebrows, “You don’t want me to be?” It was a genuine question, you had assumed it would help ease him into this but maybe you were wrong?

Jungkook finally looked back towards you, looking more at the features of your face rather then your eyes as he murmured, “No it’s fine...just unexpected. Most girls in Korea are too shy to even think about it. Is it different in Britain?”

Pondering his question for a second you finally shook your head, grabbing his hands as you laced them into yours, “No, you know I left when I was young, I think it just has to do with personality. When I was with Taehyung he was very casual about it too, he made it...” you licked your lips while thinking, as though attempting to find the right words to say, “Feel normal...I like that,” you finally looked back to him with an easy smile, “I don’t want sex to feel like a taboo or something we can’t ever discuss. It should be natural and normal.”

But Jungkook was still hung up on the beginning of your sentence, his face red again as he sighed closing his eyes, “Please don’t say that.”

“Sex?”

“Yeah.”

You tried your best to stop from laughing, but you gave the ugliest one you had all evening as Jungkook groaned whining, “Y/n! Don’t make fun of me!”

“I can refer to it as unmentionables but that’s extremely unarousing.” That made Jungkook groan even louder, and so did your laugh. You played with his hands before crawling closer while continuing, “I’m just being honest! It’s okay to just say it. Jungkook what will you do if you’re in a relationship with a girl who likes dirty talk?”

His face became red again at the idea, he was so in thought about it that he didn’t even notice you had made your way straddled onto his lap, your hands still laced in his as you looked at him amused, finally he resigned to reply, “But what if I’m not? I doubt any girl I date would be into that.”

You pressed your lips together before giving him a doubtful smile, “Well... I certainly have my work cut out for me.” You had finally let go of his hands in trade for wrapping them around his neck. Jungkook casually let his arms hook around your waist before realizing what position he was in now. His pupils going wide as his face went red, “What are you doing?”

“Well...I was going to lap dance you...” You replied raising an eyebrow with an amused smirk, “But I wanted you to be relaxed so I didn’t just want to jump in straight away, did it work?”

Jungkook looked away, his lips in a big cute pout, unwilling to admit that it did in fact, work. He actually felt a fair bit more relaxed now thanks to your casual approach. Finally he reserved to rest his chin on top of your shoulder pulling you into more of a hug as he murmured, “What now?”

He heard you laugh as your shoulder slowly raised from drawing a breath in, your heart beat was steady in comparison to his rapid one, how could you be so calm? “Well you need to relax, don’t be worried about messing up, this should be fun for both of us okay?” He felt your hand gently ruffle through his hair, making him relax into your touch as he nuzzled his nose into the crook of your neck, “And I have to ask just be sure but...do you really want to do this? You can ask me to stop at any time if you don’t want too.”

Jungkook pondered your words for a moment, genuinely taking them into consideration before admiring you. Just in general, you were so considerate of him he felt genuinely lucky to have you as his first, would any other girl be so gentle in her position? He was often put on a pedestal by everyone for being so good at everything he did, he was sure this wouldn’t be any different. Yet here you were, so understanding and gentle.

Finally Jungkook let his body fully relax as he nodded against your neck, finally murmuring, “Yes, I do.” And he did, god he really did. It would be an absolute lie to say he wasn’t attracted to you at all, you were incredibly beautiful and you had become an icon for your body during the Wings era. Probably his favorite era of you, it was the shortest though.

Puberty finally caught up to you and you filled out extremely well, the bodysuits just about killed him back then. But Bighit had thrown a huge fit about the weight gain that Jungkook would never in a million years consider a bad thing, after the BST mv they instantly put you on a diet. You stilled looked good, hell you looked amazing, but he would always find it a pity they put you through that.

It wasn’t just your body though that he liked, you were an absolute spitfire and a whole hearted extrovert. He always admired your confidence, the passion you put into your dancing and stage presence. Your voice was absolutely angelic in the rare moments he got to hear it’s true tone that was never used in songs. Really, you were like an opposite of him, in all the right ways.

Jungkook closed his eyes as he felt you ruffle your hand into his hair again, almost forgetting the entire reason he came to your room. You were one of the more cuddly members out of the group and admittedly, he always enjoy yours the best. His eyes suddenly shot up when he felt your lips press against his neck.

Tensing up at the new unexpected sensation, your lips were as soft as they looked, they weren’t as harsh as he expected either, just gentle little presses against his skin, your hand ruffled his hair again as if it was a reminder for him to relax. Forcing his shoulders down he closed his eyes again, deciding to let himself just feel you.

The lo-fi filled the silence as his lips began to part, feeling your lips open as your tongue pressed against his skin, dragging up his neck before you began to softly bite below his ear. His hands involuntarily grabbed your waist, squeezing slightly before running them up your sides. Taking it as a sign to continue, you began to wiggle your hips slightly, resting the water as you continued your kisses down to the base of his neck.

You could feel him swallow harshly, his hands suddenly grabbing your hips before letting go, I sure if you were okay with him being so touchy, laughing slightly against his neck you finally lifted your head to look at him, much to his embarrassment, “You’re doing good,” You murmured encouragingly with a soft closed mouth smile, affectionately running a hand through his hair, “It’s okay to touch me too, if you want, I’m not gonna complain.”

Jungkook looked away, nodding but saying nothing before looked back towards you almost timidly, “Could you...keep going? Please?”

Snickering at his words, you nodded, leaning back into his neck, his hand suddenly coming to your head, digging his fingers into your hair as he let out a soft sigh, enjoying your lips back against his skin. You smiled against his neck noticing his hesitance beginning to fade.

Slowly you began to press your hips down against him again, while working your tongue on the base of his neck. Feeling his breath catch in his throat as his hand untangled from your hair. The last thing you had expected was for both his hands to tightly squeeze your ass as he hips suddenly moved up back against you, obviously wanting more.

Laughing you rested your forearms against his shoulders as you looked at him, “That’s a relieving change of pace.” You had no problems looking him in the eyes while pressing your hips back down against him, feeling the beginning of a hardening bulge in his sweat pants. Jungkook however looked away flusteredly, unable to keep eye contact with you as you dragged your hips down his clothed hardening length. Unable to keep a soft moan from releasing his lips as he closed his eyes.

“T-that feels good...” he murmured, his face turning bright red as he admitted to the pleasant sensation. Smiling you nodded encouragingly, you already knew he liked it if he was moaning but verbal communication was always good. Knowing for sure he liked it you pressed your hips back down letting your hips circle against him as you felt your panties becoming ruined from wetness.

You were admittedly getting turned on yourself, feeling him harden and twitch beneath you it was getting increasingly difficult to keep yourself going slow. Yours lips went back down to his neck a little bit more faster, biting and sucking skin as you let your hips drag against his length again, finally hearing him mutter an almost frustrated, “Fuck...”

Briefly Jungkook wondered why he hadn’t come to you sooner, this was better then any night with just his hand for company. He was rather confused when you hooked your arms around his neck tugging him as you got off his lap. He chose to say nothing as he let his curiosity lead him to the edge of the bed where he sat. Your mouth still working just as hard against his neck but you were kneeling on the floor between his legs.

After a minute you finally stopped, sighing against his neck before pulling away looking at him as you ran a hand through your hair, Jungkook gazed back at you, briefly wondering what you were thinking in this moment, but you said nothing as you took on a new tactic. Flustered Jungkook looked took aback when you grabbed the hem of his shirt, smirking as you lifted it slightly, before kissing his stomach.

Out of everything you both had done thus far he genuinely didn’t think this would be the most embarrassing, he’d never openly admit to struggle with self body images. But after the Fake Love era he did admittedly pressured to keep in shape, especially with his abdominal. He wasn’t sure why he felt so touched, so loved as you pressed kisses up his stomach, dragging your hands up his warm skin as you lifted the shirt higher and higher.

Rising to his collar bones you finally stopped as you tugged at the top, “Can I trust you to finish the rest yourself?” You teased lightly as Jungkook looked away, feeling a brief sense of insecurity over take him before he grabbed the back of his shirt, pulling it over head as you began to work kisses back down his chest.

Your fingers dragged in your lingering path of kisses before you made your way down to his hips, looking down Jungkook swallowed again, feeling his length twitch again, seeing you between his legs was something he never thought he’d have the pleasure of seeing. Especially when the image shamefully crossed his mind often before hand. And it was even better then he had imagined.

Hooking your fingers around the waistband of his sweatpants as you finally looked back up at him, as if waiting for his consent, he sighed closing his eyes, looking up at the ceiling as he ran a hand through his hair, “Fuck- keep going, please...”

You laughed, nodding as you began to pull them down as you made your first comment since starting, “You’re such a good boy Jungkook, always being patient and saying please.”

His face lit up again as he wiggled beneath you, not expecting to feel so aroused by the praise as his breath suddenly hitched at feeling your lips press against his inner thighs, “Why am I the only one close to naked?” He finally whined out wanting to think of anything other then the painful twitch of his members with your lips so close to him.

You gave a hum releasing his skin from your lips , making him almost whine again as you nodded, “Good point, you probably feel exposed being the only one like that.” you didn’t think much of it as you grabbed the plain black hoodie over your head. But Jungkook’s pupils were as wide as saucers as he gulped. You wore a lacy halter neck bra, it wasn’t padded and definitely meant for sleep.

But it hugged tightly around your breasts making you show far more cleavage then ever necessary, making him ready to moan in frustration at the sight of you kneeling before him, he hadn’t thought much of the right black shorts you wore before hand but now it complimented your top all too well. You pressed your lips together, eyebrows rose as you tilted your head, you had never gotten that response from someone before when it came to your body.

It hadn’t been until this past year that you felt genuinely comfortable in your body and loved yourself enough to not care what others thought. But seeing his reaction, it made you smile fondly for a second, your hands gently stroked his inner thighs while massaging them, “Better?”

Swallowing thickly Jungkook tried his best to not buck against your hands, “C-can you take off your top?”

Snorting out a laugh you curved an eyebrow, giving a smirk that made Jungkook ready to be devoured by you, “No. We can save that for later baby boy, I like to take my time.”

“I can tell.” Jungkook replied, trying to keep his voice composed as he felt your lips back against his thighs, “I didn’t think you were someone who liked so much foreplay honestly.” He murmured out, closing his eyes as he felt your tongue drag further up his thigh.

Your fingers fiddled with the band of his boxers as he heard you laugh, “Oh yeah?” you didn’t think it was possible to get anymore turned on but hearing what he could’ve possibly thought about you in bed made you even wetter, “What else did you think I was like?”

Feeling so entranced by your touch, your tongue, Jungkook didn’t even feel embarrassed anymore as he murmured, “I thought you’d be a lot more shy then this...”

You began to tug his boxers stopping just below his hips before finally letting your fingers slip down to his clothed length, gently palming it as he sucked in a harsh breath of air, “Y-y/n-“

Licking your lips you enjoyed the way he murmured your name absentmindedly, so obviously enjoying himself as you continued to stroke his length through the fabric, “So you’ve thought about me before? What a naughty boy,” you tsked with a laugh enjoying yourself as you continued, “So let me ask, what did you imagine me doing?”

Pressing lips together Jungkook finally bucked his hips against your hand as you squeezed his length, “I-I imagined your lips around me, taking me all down your throat...” the words so shamelessly slipped out of his lips as he obediently answered your question.

Smirking mischievously you began to bite down against his hips as you finally pulled his boxers down, letting his members spring out, cock standing firm with an angry red tip from so much foreplay. Gently you grasped the base of his length as you gently gave it a few pumps, emitting a cracked moan from him as you praised, “Mmm what a nice size baby boy.” You sent a playful wink up to his dazed lust filled gaze.

His knee’s fell apart and his hands behind him on the bed to support his figure as he looked down at you half lidded, “Suck me please.” He looked like such a top in this moment but he was such a bottom. The cutest sub you had ever seen. You only glanced back down at his hardened cock, pumping it again at the base as you worked your way up to the tip.

Dragging your grip all the way back down to the base as he cried out a whimper, “Y-y/n- please.” His voice cracked and needy as he begged. Sighing you drank up the sight as you finally complied, “Only because you asked so nicely.”

You began to pump the base of his cock again, unable to take it he began to buck his hips against your hand, letting a string of moans follow as you took his tip into your mouth, making him gasp as he swallowed thickly. Closing your eyes you bobbed your head slightly, sucking his tip like a lollipop before kissing down the shaft.

Letting your tongue start at the base of his cock before dragging all the way back up making his hips buck against you again as you took him back in your mouth, finally letting your cheeks hollow as you took him deeper into your mouth. Feeling his tip touch the back of your throat as you tried to keep back a gag, you were only half way down his length.

However all the jokes the other boys made about you deepthroating weren’t actually jokes. Jungkook tangled his fingers through your hair as he moaned your name again, feeling you start to take him down your throat as you began to slowly bob your head. Feeling his girthy cock fill your throat as you gave a satisfied hum, finally reaching the base of his cock before quickening your pace.

Jungkook ran his free hand through his hair as he looked down at you, fuck you looked so beautiful taking him. He licked his lips as he watched your hand make its way from his thigh to your breasts. Squeezing them before playing with your hardening nipples between the fabric of the lace. The sight was more then enough to make him buck his hips in your mouth causing you to gag. Feeling your throat squeeze against his cock as he moaned again.

Feeling his cock squeeze in your throat felt even better, slowly Jungkook tested almost curiously, letting his hips begin to thrust gently in your mouth. You paused your movement, as though waiting for him to continue, taking it as a sign Jungkook continued thrusting. Taking it slow at first as he watched your hand slowly slip from your breasts down your stomach to your shorts.

He swallowed thickly watching your hand slip between your legs as he almost breathlessly waited in anticipated for your next move, you began to stroke your heat playing with yourself clothed. Involuntarily making him buck his hips harsher into your mouth unable to control himself as he growled out, “Play with yourself for me.”

Jungkook was positive if you could’ve smirked at his words you would’ve, briefly glancing up at him from your position as he continued to fuck your mouth, taking his time again to enjoy the sensation of your throat. Watching your hand slip into your shorts as you continued to stroke yourself, your cheeks suddenly hollowed as your eyes fluttered shut.

Clearly enjoying yourself as he watched hyponized by your legs that parted for easier access before your hips began to rock. As if in sync he began to quicken the pace of his hips. Your fingers slid down your wet pussy as you let out a muffled moan, dragging them back up to your clit as you began to thrust into nothing but air. Jungkook’s pace in your mouth getting quicker and rougher causing you to gag again, making your eyes begin to gloss.

He seemed to enjoy it as it only made him thrust harsher as he let out another moan, you were getting close to getting yourself off before you suddenly pulled your fingers away from yourself. Choosing to feel the frustration wave over your body as you wanted to focus on Jungkook. Who didn’t seem to have a problem with that as he suddenly grabbed your head.

Tangling his fingers into your hair as he got a good grip before roughly thrusting in and out of your mouth enough to bring tears to your eyes. He was moaning loudly and dragging your name on his lips letting you know he must have been close. His hips snapped harder as he almost frustratedly continue to mouth fuck you, the last thing you expected was what came out of his mouth though, “Fuck- I bet you like that don’t you?”

He had almost maneuvered himself halfway off the bed to get a better position to thrust from as he gave another grunt, “You like taking this cock right? Mmm look at you, such a good girl.” his voice deepened enough to sent a jolt into your core. Your fingers suddenly back to your shorts again as Jungkook gave another growl, “Don’t touch yourself without my permission.”

Jungkook was so close, he needed this so much he couldn’t contain the absolute filth- which on any other occasion would’ve mortified him- from escaping his lips, you had let out another muffled moan, letting him know you were one of those girls who enjoyed dirty talk. The idea suddenly made him thrust harder down your throat as he moaned, letting out a laugh, “What? Does that make you wet? You’re such a dirty girl Y/n.”

Finally he kept the base of his cock all the way in your mouth doing short quick thrusts as he suddenly gasped, his knuckles clenched white as he felt himself getting closer by the second, “What are you gonna do when the roles are reversed? Hm babygirl? How loud are you gonna moan my name when I fuck you til you can’t stand?”

Jungkook couldn’t even register a thing that came out of his mouth as he felt himself on the cusp of orgasming, finally strumming a, “Fuck.” He practically whithered, tensed and he could feel the sweat running down his neck as he finally released. Strings of his release slipping down your throat as he finally calmed down. Heaving heavy breaths as he ran a hand through his messy hair.

Finally letting him slip from your mouth as you collapsed back letting your hands support your seated position, looking at him in disbelief. Jungkook was honestly surprised to see you so red faced as you gaped at him, “Is this really your first time?”

That...that honestly wasn’t anything of what he had expected to hear from you, awkwardly Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck as he looked away from you, was he too rough? Was it bad? Or was it just plain cringeworthy, “I...was it okay?”

“Okay?” You raised your eyebrows almost offended as you finally collapsed onto the ground as you gave a weak laugh, “Fucking hell Jungkook,” you closed your eyes for a moment before looking back up at him, he was instantly shy again, back to his bottom tendencies as you gave a sheepish grin, “That was kinda hot.”

His face turned red as he looked down towards the floor, unable to hide his concern, “Was I too rough? I don’t want to be like that again if you don-“

“No!” You didn’t meant to cut him off, flusteredly you suddenly stopped, as you looked away, cheeks pink again as you laughed awkwardly, “No it’s fine, I enjoyed it a lot. I actually quite like it rough so don’t worry about that, trust me, I can take it.”

You didn’t think much about what you had said, but it honestly came as a shock to Jungkook, given how much time you had spent with foreplay he would’ve assumed you preferred it nice and slow. You even said so yourself earlier, but then it occurred to him, you must’ve really liked being dominated.

A cocky smirk suddenly curled onto his lips at the revelation while looking down at you. You actually enjoyed him getting like that...Jungkook wasn’t sure why it gave such a confidence boost but it did, “....Why are you looking at me like that?” Your eyes childishly squinted at him as you pouted, knowing damn well what he just discovered.

Jungkook finally stood up, before leaning down, scooping you from your retired position on the floor effortlessly. Placing you on the edge of the bed, grabbing your phone as he unlocked it. You watched him suspiciously, first of all wondering how he figured out your password, the second wondering what he was plotting. The familiar sound of Wiped Out, one of your favorite albums began to play.

An interesting choice given Jungkook wasn’t very fluent in English, though he often pestered you to help him learn since you were originally born in the U.K. not that you ever caved given his undisciplined nature. Regardless he set your phone down as he looked back towards you. A new confidence in his eyes making you swallow before looking away.

Thinking about what you did earlier Jungkook leaned into your neck, softly kissing the crook he was so fond of as his hand gently stroked your cheek. Letting his fingers drag down your jaw as he experimented with biting down the spot he previously licked. Making you squirm beneath him as your breath hitched, “Isn’t this suppose to be about you?” You finally objected as you tried to wiggle out of his grip.

Jungkook involuntarily made you press your back against the soft mattress as he caged you between his arms, a smirk on his face as he raised his eyebrows at the adorable pout on your lips, “Didn’t we agree to both have fun?” He challenged, suddenly diving down to your neck again, nipping down your neck to your collarbones.

His tongue dragged down to your breasts pausing as he cheekily grinned again, “It wouldn’t be fair to not let you receive. Besides I’d like to explore.” You couldn’t object as he softly bit down on the soft tissue, making you quietly moan as your hand shot up to his hair. Massaging his scalp as he continued down your breasts, finally stopping at the lace material as he bit the inside of his lip annoyed.

He had gotten to admire you plenty between his legs in it. Jungkook wiggled his hands beneath your back as he found the clasp. You waited for a second, and another. And it turned into a minute as he continued to fiddle with it as you belted out laughing, “Do you need help?”

No matter how good Jungkook was, as it turned out, he was not immune to struggling with your bra. His face red, ears and all his he huffed, running a hand through his hair, “No...”

His response made you laugh even harder as the sore loser in him was showing starkly, “My bra isn’t a competition Jungkook it’s okay.” You sat up a little to undo the clasp, “If it makes you feel better anyone I’ve been with has struggled too.”

That seemed to make him feel a little better though not by much as you unclasped the back, pulling the strap over your head before laying back down as he caged you between his arms again, regaining his cocky smirk as he replied, “Then I’ll just have to improve.” For someone who was such a sore loser he was awfully confident there would be a second time.

He began to kiss your left breast as he moved the material away, massaging the right with his free hand. Squeezing yours legs together tightly you bit your lip frustratedly. Noticing your gesture, Jungkook let his hand drag down your stomach before gripping your heat causing you to hitch your breath.

Letting his tongue swirl the perky bud in his mouth as he stroked your clothed pussy, his smirk returning as he felt you eagerly rock your hips against his hand, “Y-you really don’t have to do this...” you struggled to murmur as you attempted to squeeze your legs closed due to the sudden friction.

Jungkook finally slid his tongue down your stomach as he murmured, “I want too, let me play with you Y/n.” It was difficult to say no to that as he began to nip at your hips, his hand still on your heat as he gently stroked, feeling your panties that had long since been soiled by wetness, “Mmm I’ve hardly touched you and you’re already so wet babygirl.”

“Didn’t you say you weren’t into dirty talk?” You huffed propping yourself up on your elbows as you indignantly sputtered the words out, cheeks pink from his lewd observation.

Jungkook rose his eyebrows as he let his fingers slip back up your panties, pushing against a bud making you suddenly whither, throwing your head back as you bucked your hips against him, “I never said that...I just suggested that I wouldn’t end up with anyone who would want me to say speak like that.” His lips slowly curled into a smirk as he curiously pressed against the bud against, illiciting a similar reaction from you, “But you like it, don’t you?”

Finally you looked back up at him, returning the smirk as you licked your lips, letting your hips continue to buck against his hand as you replied, “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.” You shrugged as you dropped back down against the mattress.

Pulling your right thigh over his shoulder he began to suck against the inside making you squirm, “Don’t lie to me babygirl, you wouldn’t be this wet right now if you weren’t.” Gently biting the spot he previously sucked against as he hummed against your thigh, “What do you want me to do?”

Your face began to feel hot as you attempted to close your legs again, making him pull open them again with his free hand, “Do you want me to stop?”

“N-no!” You instantly objected as you whined, wiggling underneath him as you felt his lips drag higher against your thigh. Feeling his lips smirk against your skin you wanted to huff, you should’ve known he would’ve took advantage of your tendency to enjoy subbing.

“Then be a good girl and use your words,” he chastised you as he let his hand slip down to your panties again, dragging his fingers down as he hummed, “What do you want babygirl?”

Finally you gritted your teeth before frustratedly whimpering, his foreplay just about killing you, you hadn’t been treated like this since your first few times with Taehyung, “P-please eat me.” Your face red as you murmured the request.

Feeling his tongue drag up your thigh as he stopped at your hip, hooking your panties around his fingers before dragging them down antagonizingly slow, you let out an impatient whimper as he tsked, “Patience babygirl, bad girls don’t get to cum.”

You propped yourself up on your elbows indignantly, he was gonna threaten that on his first time? Jungkook gave a bunny smile at your glare, knowing for a fact you would most definitely kill him if he didn’t let you release, “Gonna watch babygirl? Good, I want you watching every second I taste this pussy.”

Feeling your face become hot again you attempted to look away before feeling his hands squeeze your thighs making you look at him again, “Eyes on me babe, remember.” He...he was actually be serious?

Where did his nervous disposition go? It was nowhere to be found as he looked you in the eyes as you felt his mouth suck down against your heat, making you gasp while squirming beneath him. Watching your every reaction as he let his tongue drag up your vulva.

Stopping at the bud again as he curiously sucked it, watching your head throw back as you moaned, “Is this your clit?” He asked curiously, having heard about this more times then he would’ve liked too from the other members. He began to suck it again, swirling it with his tongue as he occasionally prodded its sides.

Feeling your hips attempt to buck against his face you whimpered, collapsing back against the bed as you grabbed his head with both your hands moaning his name, “Y-yes...please keep going- fuck.” He hummed as he let his tongue drag against it making you curse again before he quickly rubbed his tongue against it up and down.

Enjoying your taste as you whithered beneath him moaning more loudly then you would’ve liked, “I-I want your fingers inside me.” You stuttered out hotly as you attempted to prop yourself up onto your hands to rock against him better. Jungkook only tsked slowly down as you whines in objection, “Words babygirl, remember to use your words.”

Whimpering out your voice went an octave higher as you begged, “P-please.” Looking up at you briefly his eyes were consumed with lust as he let his fingers stroke your pussy before entering one finger inside you. Instantly you bucked against his finger as he let another slip in causing you to give a strangled moan.

Seeing you so submissive and needy was already enough to make him hard again as he felt his cock standing firm against the cold room air. Curiously he let his mouth find its way back against your clit as he pumped his fingers inside you. Just as he assumed you instantly whimpered bucking against his hips as you murmured, “Fuck, fuck, fuck...Jungkook. Mmm-“

Feeling a rough patch inside you he assumed this must’ve been your g-spot as you let out another loud whimper. Squeezing in a third finger much to your delight as he dragged his tongue against your clit again causing you to clench around his fingers, “Mmm fuck babygirl if you’re this tight around my fingers I don’t know if you’ll be able to take my cock.”

But you were too absorbed in him roughly pumping his long slim fingers inside you, hitting your g-spot each time as he went back to suck your clit again making you whimper, “Jungkook- fuck please-“ you began whimpering something out in English he wasn’t able to understand.

But that must’ve been a sign you were close as he felt you clench around around his fingers again. He began to slow his pace down inside you as he rhythmically began to pace himself, slowing down just enough to keep you on the edge of releasing. Of course you weren’t happy in the least consistently moaning and whimpering now, though all in English.

Jungkook was able to make out a few sentences as they were mostly repeated sounds of “Please.” It was becoming painful how close you were, you wanted it so bad. Jungkook gently stroked your thigh with his free hand as he finally murmured encouragingly, “Cum babygirl, you’ve been so good, cum for me.”

Letting his lips suck back against your clit his words seemed to be all you needed to hear as your hips bucked up again, Jungkook glanced up to see your lips parted and eyes closed before suddenly grinning euphorically as before panting, letting the orgasm wash over you in an intense wave of pleasure. What you didn’t expect was Jungkook to keep going as he roughly pumped his fingers.

Cocky to see if he could get you off again as you whimpered strangledly as his fingers roughly dug into your g-spot. The pressure in your core building faster and more painful this time as wrapped your arms around your face in a sob. The second orgasm came quicker and ripped through you stronger then the last as your voice cracked.

Slowly he let his fingers slip out of you as he took a deep breath, taking in your figure. Hickies covered your breasts and decorated the insides of your thighs nicely in his opinion. Purposely staying away from marking your neck as he was aware you’d have a concert the next day.

Sweat dropped on your collarbones and your cheeks were a bright red, your hair was in an absolute mess but right now, Jungkook wasn’t sure if you could get anymore beautiful and he hadn’t meant to voice it aloud but he did regardless, “You’re so beautiful Y/n...” he whispered under his breath as fondly stroked your hip bones.

Your hands were over your head now but your eyes were closed still recovering from your orgasm, not quite catching his words as you your chest heaved from heavy breathes. Finally opened your eyes as yawned, noticing you’re tiredness Jungkook frowned, “Are you sure you wanna keep going? It is rather late...”

Rubbing your eyes you sat up, looking down at his kneeled position as you yawned once more, “I swear I have more stamina then this- I’m fine.” You gave an awkward grin, “Besides it doesn’t look like foreplays gonna be necessary so it won’t be long.”

You leaned back against your hands as you shamelessly looked down at his hardened members, causing his cheeks to go crimson as he huffed, “You think I’m gonna go fast?”

Laughing you had to bite back your answer which was most definitely yes. Wanting to gain some control back in the situation you knew you’d have to keep your mouth shut, “No, it just usually goes faster, I don’t make the rules Kook, do you think id lie?” You asked innocently as you crawled into the middle of the bed as Jungkook cautiously store back.

Evaluating if you were telling the truth, finally he resigned to get back on the bed across from you, his face slowly becoming red as he awkwardly rubbed the back of his head, “Uh- would you like me-“

Curving an eyebrow you sputtered a laugh at his constant personality shift, it swung violently between nervous bunny to cocky brat. The smile on your lips looked fond though as you found his awkward demeanor cute, “Let me, it is your first time.” You reminded as you crawled toward him, “How close do you want me?”

“What?” Jungkook asked raising his eyebrows confused at your question. Watching as you climbed his lap again, making his cock twitch excitedly at having your body so close.

“Well, there’s lots of different positions,” you explained shrugging, “I wasn’t sure if you had preference.”

Jungkook thought about it for a moment before suddenly wrapping his arms around you, “This is fine.” He murmured against your ear, not willing to admit he wanted you as physically close to his body as possible.

Stroking his neck fondly you lined your hips up with his before sinking down, letting yourself adjust to his tip as he suddenly gripped your waist harshly, letting out a string of moans as you slowly let yourself slide down the shaft of his cock. Biting your lip as you let yourself clench around him, “Fuck, why are you so tight babygirl?”

He pressed his lips against your neck as he moaned when you began to lift your hips, rising slightly before lowering further down his shaft slowly, “I’m not tight you’re just big.” You let out a strangled laugh. Suddenly realizing your mistake as you felt his familiar cocky smirk against your neck.

Grabbing your ass, he nipped at your neck as he asked, “Oh yeah? Keep going babygirl.” Laughing at his words as you began to lift your hips again sinking down to his base before beginning to ride him.

Grabbing his shoulders as you heard him moan you began to ride a bit faster, “Don’t get too cocky it’s on the bigger side but it’s not the biggest.” You let your lips drag against his ear with a smirk before sucking against his neck. Squeezing your ass as you began to snap your hips a little more roughly he replied, “Size doesn’t matter that much if they can’t use it right.”

You began to laugh at his words as you pushed against at his chest to look at him, “It’s your first time!” Jungkook broke out of his cocky personas as he laughed breaking into a bunny grin as he suddenly began lifting you to make you go faster, “But it’s true, it’s only my first time and I already made you come twice.” He let out a heavy breath, “Probably a third by the looks of it.”

You clenched around him as you began to roughly ride him, having a hand down as you bit your lip with focused closed eyes, “Harder,” you murmured, Jungkook quickly lifted you swifter as you attempted you go rougher but your hips just couldn’t keep up. Groaning frustratedly it quickly turned into a whimper as his cock hit your g-spot, “H-harder please.”

Jungkook chuckled at your red face and high pitched voice, suddenly grabbing you and rolling you over the bed, now on top of you as he sudddnly thrusted roughly, “Better babygirl?”

Moaning loudly you smiled loosely as you let him grab ahold of your knee, lifting your leg to get a better angle, “Much.” He watched amused as you closed your eyes, letting him pound into you as his hips ruthlessly snapped in and out, even the bed had begun to rock knocking against the wall as your hips continued to trying keep in pace with his.

“Didn’t think you really wanted me to fuck you senseless but it’s kinda hot. You’re taking my cock so well babygirl.” Your breath suddenly hitched at the filth that poured from his mouth again as Jungkook continued to ruthlessly snap his hips against yours, his cock throbbing almost painfully inside you as it twitched hitting your g-spot again, “Mmm so tight, id fuck you all night if you’d let me.” His eyes closed as he began to mutter anything and everything that came to mind

And you knew he would if you had let him, finally you crumbled at his words joining, “F-fuck me til I can’t stand Jungkook, p-please. I need your cock- please.” Hearing your words instantly made him buck his hips roughly into you as you strangled a whimper. Your hips were beginning to become sore from being opened so wide for so long and your inside throbbed painfully from being stretched and fucked so roughly.

“Shh babygirl, just keep taking my cock,” He hushed you roughing grabbing your hips to shift positions to penetrate you deeper, getting to your g-spot again as you whimpered again trying to keep up with the speed of his hips, “L-let me ride you- please.”

Jungkook was too busy rough thrusting into you to hear at first, his cock twitching rapidly letting you know he was getting close, but so were you and you were getting impatient. Shoving him you suddenly knocked him back getting onto his lap again as you moaned, smiling cheekily, riding roughly as you buried your face into his neck, “Babygirl,” Jungkook growled lowly in your ear, annoyed you changed the tempo without his permission.

Just to annoy him further you paused before slowly sinking down to the base of his cock, emitting something between both a moan and groan of frustration from him as he roughly grabbed you hips, a loud smack rang out making you yelp, jolting your hips up and down, bouncing his cock. He...he just spanked you!

Your face became a hot red color as you felt another sting your skin as he growled, “Babygirl you don’t get to change positions without my permission.” He spanked you again harder making you cry out with a moan suddenly riding him faster, “But since you wanna ride my dick that bad I’ll put this position to use.”

Another spank stung your skin making you buck your hips as you whimpered quickly snapping your hips down against him as you buried your nose into his neck, “Mmm don’t tell me you enjoy getting spanked?” Jungkook asked tsking, suddenly spanking you again harsher then the last, making you bury your head in the crook of his neck as you clenched around his cock, “Of course you do babygirl, you’re so filthy, you know that?” You cheekily grinned into his neck as he grabbed your ass quickly lifting it to help you bounce his cock faster.

“Don’t kink shame me.” you muttered as you grinned excited from being so close to releasing, suddenly moaning at the fast rough pace, his cock consistently rubbing your g-spot as he kept himself half way inside you. Without missing a beat Jungkook responded, “Kinkshaming is my kink.”

You both began to laugh shakily, feeling yourself get closer and closer as you continued to clench around him, making him groan as he muttered, “Y/n seriously if you keep this up I’m gonna cum.” But his words only made you clench harder as you slid down his cock going to the base as you took it all down, letting your lips part as you began to pant riding ride him as fast as you could physically get yourself too.

“Then cum baby boy I want every bit of that cock inside me when you do.” It was the first time you had properly talked dirty to him the entire time and honestly? It was by far the hottest thing Jungkook had ever heard in his life, suddenly letting out a cracked moan as he felt his cock twitch again, “That’s it, cum inside me. I want that cock to fill me until I’m dripping.”

Getting frustrated at his prolonged orgasm he pushed you back into the bed, opening your legs as he suddenly brought his cock all the way outside of you before slamming back inside, continuing the motion as your moans suddenly heightened in audio, “Mmm Jungkook!”

“That’s right babygirl let everyone know who’s fucking you good.” Jungkook growled out, the idea of anyone else ever fucking you making him feel territorial, you were his, his pretty little pussy to fuck, “Moan babygirl.” He roughly hit your g-spot as he snapped out again, “I said moan.” His hips picked up in speed at your defiance as he growled, “Moan.”

Finally he cracked you making you rapidly clench against him as he harshly hit your g-spot again and again, giving a strangled loud cry as he snapped again, “That’s right, let them know who’s fucking you. Go on scream my name Y/n. Scream it.”

Your face was such a hot red at finally hearing your name instead of the pet name he had begun calling you, feeling you clench around him you finally began to cry out, “Jungkook! Fuck Jungkook! Mmm fuck!” Your voice raising higher and higher as you whimpered a beg, “Fuck please! Let me come please, please.”

Trapping you between his arms he got down on his elbows as he continued to thrust as rough as he could go, “Mmm that’s right Y/n, let them know who’s making you feel this good, keep begging baby.”

Whimpering you weren’t sure how much longer you could go, or him for that matter as you wrapped your legs around his waist, feeling his cock begin to brush against your g-spot again as you continued begging, “Please let me come, please, please Jungkook please.”

Feeling his hand slide down your stomach he began to brush his thumb against your clit as he slammed into you, “Mmm fuck, come baby, come for me.” You kept panting before suddenly screaming out his name as he continued stroking you, “Fuck, what a good girl.” His hips suddenly became erratic at hearing you whimper his name over and over again before quickly thrusting all the way inside you.

Giving quick erratic thrusts as sweat beaded down his collarbones, with one last long thrust you suddenly felt a hot liquid string inside you, once, twice, giving another thrust you felt a third come out before two pumps of his cock got out the last bit. You both stayed there for a minute breathing heavily before he finally slipped out of you.

Collapsing beside you as he suddenly pulled you into his arms, your legs shook like leaves and your hips shot in a dull pain as you slung a leg over his waist. Snuggling into his neck you murmured, “Are you really sure that was your first time?”

Jungkook only laughed, pulling the blanket over you both before nuzzling his nose into your hair, “Positive. Thank you for being my first. I don’t think I would’ve be as good as I was with anyone else.” He wrapped his arms around you tightly, finding he actually rather enjoyed having you in his arms. He had never voiced it aloud but he had always had a small crush on you.

But he knew it would never be reciprocated, you were too beautiful, too confident and extroverted to ever settle on someone as plain and boring as him, “Oh it was my pleasure trust me.” You laughed casually as you smiled against his neck.

Burying his nose back into your hair he inhaled your scent before closing his eyes, even if he could never be with you, this was enough. Even if it was only once. It was enough.

A suddenly slam against the wall jolted you both as you sat up looking wide eye at Jungkook, he looked just as confused until someone shouted, “If you both fuck again, I swear to god!”

You covered your mouth with your hand while grinning as you heard Seokjin screech from the other side, “We’re talking about this in the morning you brats!”

Jungkook and you both began to laugh as you laid back down, wrapping back around each other as you snuggled together, closing your eyes as you sighed contently.

You always had a crush on Jungkook, but realistically you figured he’d never actually like you in a million years but- atleast this would burn in your memory for a very long time. A glimpse at what it would be like if he did ever like you.

#bts #bangtan #bangtan boys #jungkook #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x reader #jungkook fanfic #bts smut #jungkook x reader smut #bts fic #bts reader insert #bts imagine #jungkook imagine #jungkook x 8th!member reader #jeon jungkook #jjk

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION ( Jeannette Nobbe)

VOLSKRANT.NL 31/01/20

by Mennon Pot

https://www.volkskrant.nl/cultuur-media/conchita-wurst-sorry-dat-ik-zo-n-wandelend-cliche-ben~b0477817/

(Conchita) Wurst: 'I'm sorry I'm a walking cliché'.

Above all we know Conchita Wurst as the bearded 'female 'singer who won the ESC in 2014. But we've moved on and are a bit wiser. It´s just Wurst now, but the beard is still there.

With light feathered steps, Thomas Neuwirth (31) enters the conference room of the hotel in Groningen where he is staying: black combat boots, black leather pants, tight black T-shirt, the black beard and the perfect short trimmed jet black hair..

He introduces himself as Tom. It's not difficult to recognise the bearded drag queen Conchita in him. (Kopenhagen, 2014, remember?) but the dress and wig are stowed away for a while. Conchita has a sort of sabbatical, so to speak.

Neuwirth is on tour as a man. Stage name: Wurst. Yesterday evening he performed in Groningen; the next concert will be 7 february at the Melkweg in Amsterdam. His new album 'Truth over Magnitude' also carries the artist´s name Wurst.

Let's get this straight: when the subject is Conchita Wurst, the word 'transgender' sometimes comes a long. Wrongly. Neuwirth is a man, ('but incredibly gay, of course'), who has a choice from now on: being on tour as a drag queen (Conchita) or as a man (Wurst) .

´a lot of fun, being a masculine stage persona', he says. Conchita will turn up again somewhere else.

Holland appreciated Conchita's 'Rise like a Phoenix' with the highest score, almost 6 years ago.

Neuwirth didn't forget: twelve points, douze points from Holland for the bearded diva from Austria.

Then hectic years followed. 'After the Song Contest I thought, I have to make the most of it now, build my fame and cash it in. So I surrounded myself with all kinds of experts, managers, stylists, make/up artists, the whole circus. After 3 years I was exhausted. I couldn´t do it anymore. I told my audience every nigh, be yourself, believe in yourself. But along the way, I forgot myself.´

He got rid of the experts’ circus and is having a relaxed tour now, with a small entourage. He feels good again, although in 2018 he had to announce he is infected with the HIV virus. His manager politely asks, almost in an humble manner, not to talk about that.

Tom doesn´t appear to be very worried about that. There has seldom been a star who starts an interview so cheerfully. ´A great photo shoot and after that talk about things I find beautiful and fun.

Terrific, I was already looking forward to it when I came out of bed.´

´Curriculum Vitae'

1988 – Born as Thomas Neuwirth in Gmunden, Austria

2007 – Candidate at the talentshow Starmania, and boyband Jetzt anders!

2011 – Debut as female persona Conchita Wurst, the debut single `I´ll be there´

2012 - Second place at the Austrian Songfestival

2014 – ESC winner with ´Rise like a Phoenix

2015 – First album ´Conchita´, co-presenter ESC

2018 – Second album ´From Vienna with Love´

2019 – Debut as male stage persona ´Wurst´, third album ´Truth over Magnitude´

2020 – Wurst ´Trust over Magnitude´ Sony Music

Wurst will be performing in the Melkweg in Amsterdam on February 7

SOUNDTRACK

Music from the Motion Picture Titanic ...1997

´My first CD. I was 9 years old when I bought it. `My heart will go on´’changed my life´. As it were, Céline Dion gave me permission to be utterly dramatic and to be over the top. When I came out of the closet, I heard that song in my head.

It was also a liberation for me as a singer. My mom always sang with a thin, high falsetto voice. I thought that was how it should be. Dion taught me, you may yell as hard as you can, with all the power you have in you. When you sing so loud, you can’t fake it. The sound you push out of your body, is the sound of your body, unique and by definition authentic. Céline Dion taught me that singing is something really physical.´

SERIES

The Crown ..Netflix..., 2016 until 2019

´For me it´s getting difficult to watch a movie to the end. I guess that´s because of all the series on Netflix and HBO. My favorite is `The Crown´.. ´the intro alone is so beautiful, that liquid gold that forms a crown, such art. I used to watch it twice. Ít says something about the fact that I can´t choose between the two women who play Elizabeth and the two men who play prince Philip. All the actors are great. The costumes, the stories, the palaces, it´s so delightful. The history also intrigues me, after every episode I checked on Wikipedia if it was really what had happened.

PARTIES

´At Christmas I always come back to Vienna. I love the lights, glitters and decorations, my inner Mariah Carey is looking forward to it every year. Christmas 2019 was extra special because it had been a long time since the whole family came together at my grandmother´s house.´

I would love it to be like that every year... A couple of days being together in one home. Talking, getting to really know my family. Maybe now you think, days on and on with uncles and aunts, such horror! It is easy to say that I don´t really have much in common with these people. But I do, Really. They all have a story and similarities with your stories. Ask them about your life and tell them about yours.´

That´s what Christmas is all about to me. To me, the birth of Jesus has not that much to do with it.´

ISLAND..

I have an agreement with my best friends to go on vacation at least once every two years. We have been to Mykonos a couple of times, THE especially gay island. I´m sorry I sound like a walking cliché.´

The sun, the sea, the beaches, the small streets, so cosy. We rent a house with a pool and for a week or two we live in our own little paradise, actually being a bit tipsy the whole time. Go shopping and cook.´

`What´s also very important, on Mykomos, the wind is always blowing the right way. I love to watch the women, because their dresses and their hair flutter so beautifully.´

STYLE ICON

Victoria Beckham

I was and still am a big Spice Girls fan and I especially admire Victoria Beckham, because she lives her life the way she wants. She appears in tabloids every day, but has survived a crisis in her relationship and has stayed happy with the love of her life and her family. I think that it´s really strong.´

In regard to her style, she can go from very classy to very trashy, I like that. One day she´s wearing a designer dress, the next she and David Beckham are walking in identical jogging suits. She couldn’t care less. I think that it´s inspiring.´

´I think she is utterly authentic, raging through the glamour. Although I have never met her, I´m sure that I could have a lot of fun with her. I´d love to drink some tequila with her for an afternoon or so.´

AGE

30

´I thought becoming 30 was really special, I lost my wild behaviour, came to be more restful. Some way or another I think a lot about some things my mother said: in my twenties, I ignored those lessons, but now I´m 30, I suddenly realised she was right for example how important family and friends are.

I´m 31 now, I have inner peace and my life in order, but I still feel young. I´m convinced that this the best period of my life´. My advise to everybody... be 30.´

ALBUM

Recomposed by Max Richter / The Four Seasons ..2012

I don´t play any instruments and until not too long ago, I didn´t really know much about music. I really found that a pity sometimes. Fortunately, my good friend Martin studies at the School of Musical Arts... !! He´s studying the history of music intensely and tells me about a lot of great composers. I learn a lot from that.´´I never understood classical music and didn´t really know anything about it, but thanks to the listening sessions with Martin I fell in love with Vivaldi..

The pop artist of the classical artists.

´Max Richter interpreted Vivaldi´s Four Seasons and composed it in a modern fashion. It´s a modern, post minimalistic piece, completely different from the original one, but you still recognise it. Greatly done, at the moment it´s my favorite album.´

BOOK

Friedrich Schiller « Ueber die aesthetische Erziehung des Menschen ». About the aesthetic upbringing of the people..´

´A good friend advised me to read the philosophical letters from Friedrich Schiller ..Letters, 1794-1795)

That´s a hard job to do. Because of the old fashioned German I had to read some sentences 5 times. You always have to wrestle yourself through a thick layer of 18th century sexism.

´But further on you´ll find something beautiful. Schiller writes a lot about finding your inner beauty and your own truth. Dare to be yourself. Embrace your darker sides. Those are important as well.´

´At the same time he preaches self-perspective.. don´t take yourself too seriously, you´re not the center of the universe. That is very worthy to me. Namely because I DO think I´m the center of the universe, haha.

`Still it´s very wise of him, to send a message from 1795 to a 21st century queen with a Mariah Carey complex.´

CLUB

Circus in Vienna

´The Arena is a huge complex in Vienna, a concert building with a mega discotheque. A couple of times a year they organize Circus, my favorite gay club night. I always go there with my group of closest friends, but it´s actually a bit of a rule that we lose each other and disappear into the crowd.´

´I roam around all night- Every room, every floor has its own musical theme and decoration. I love the types of people I meet there, their clothes, their fetishisms, everything.´

….Arena Vienna, Baumgasse 80, Vienna

CITY

Amsterdam

´I live in Vienna, I love Vienna and I will always come back there, but the greatest city I´ve been to is Amsterdam – since then I traveled all over the world so I know what I´m talking about.

´Of all the cities I visited, Amsterdam is the only one where I would want to live a period of time. So that´s what I´m gonna do, this summer, for a few months to begin with.´

´I can see that Amsterdam also has the flagship stores from all known store chains. And a lot of tourists, like every special city. But I see all these small jewelry shops where they sell their self-made jewelry. Little bakeries. Cosy streets. And a lot of water. I love water. I love cities with lots of water.´

#conchitawurst #wurst #tomneuwirth #artist #singer #esc2014 #escwinner #music #performer #lgbt #celebrity #interview #translation