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Oh, it hurt like a bitch!
But you know what? So has 90% of my life. Getting over it is the only way I've survived up until now.
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You know those moments where you finally find someone you feel absolutely comfortable sharing every bit of yourself with?
All of your darkness, all of your deepest thoughts, your beliefs, and just all around crazy.
They accept you for all of it. They love you, and you trust them.
Then, they're just ... gone.
That safe space you once had, vanishes, and you're left with this chaotic opening that you no longer know how to keep closed ...
It really fucking sucks.
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I’m at a point that I just want to burn everything down that serves as a reminder.
I’m at a point where I want to stab everyone who has ever hurt you, and watch them bleed out.
I want those who made you suffer, crash and burn an infinite amount harder,
In return for the pain they put you through.
I want them to scream and cry your silent tears.
I want them to feel everything they ever pushed onto you so they never had to take accountability for their own evil and disgusting deeds.
I want them to take all of your hurts, even the ones they had no part in.
I want them to rithe on the floor in excruciating agony and not understand why, just as you have.
I want them to be alone in the world without any ally, just as you felt.
I want them to become the empty, hollow shell you believe yourself to be.
I want to crush their hopes as they so cruelly have yours
I want to tear their heart from their chest and crush it in front of them,
And right before they take their final gasp and leave this world behind,
I want to make sure they know that this is what they did.
All of this and so much more.
Because all of their pains, they will be able to see.
Anyone who looks at them would be able to see the tortures they’d have endured beneath my wrath.
Because even the most skeptical mind will look at them and understand they suffered unbearable pains.
Unlike you.
Unlike you who bore your scars deep within.
Deep within your beautiful body that has kept you going thus far
Deep within the very essence of your soul, of your very being.
I will not seek them out for this reason.
No matter the pain I am able to inflict on them, it will only be surface pain.
No matter how many times I cut and dig their their innards out,
They will never suffer as deeply as you have my love.
Instead, I will sit with you through all of the darknesses,
Through all of the pain, and no matter how many times you believe you’ve shattered.
I will be here to help you pick up your pieces.
I will hold your hand, hug you as many times as it takes to help meld your pieces back together.
Instead, I will be here with you.
And you are able to move on, I will still be there.
Through all of the bad, through all of the good,
I will be there with you even though no one was there for me when I was where you are.
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Over the past few years, I've made it a goal to accept the help and gifts others offer to me. Not because I believe I deserve it, on the contrary, accepting it makes me feel like a burden and I really don't want to be a burden to anyone. Either that, or like I owe them something. Let's be real, the "gift" is almost never worth it.
Regardless, I made this goal for myself because - whether I believe it in the moment or not - I am worthy. And I am trying to show myself this. I am worthy to accept the kindness and love that I am offered. I am worthy of the helping hand. I am worthy of accepting gifts as just that. Gifts. For nothing in return.
I will most likely hesitate for a while yet, and I haven't mastered this acceptance. I don't believe I will for a while because I grew up being shown that no gift is free, every gift is a burden, don't accept help because you need to prove you can do it yourself.
Prove to whom? The world is to vague. It's time to shed the lies thar society taught me.
Because I am worthy.
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I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone unless I'm providing something for them...
No wonder I'm such a mess
And it's breaking my heart again realizing how much people have demanded from me to get to this point...
Don't give everything about yourself away, it's all you really have in the end...
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I can't say that I don't have a soul anymore..  or that I'm an empty shell...
Why? I'm so glad you asked! 
Because EMDR! That's why. 
I've always been terrified of being alone, yet find myself alone more often than not. In fact, I CLING to people so I can avoid being alone as much as possible. 
First trance: I tried so hard to focus on my feelings of being alone, but people kept appearing. So I thought "fuck it" and imagine a world with only me. No other humans, just me.
Alone. 
And my damn support team popped up! I tried to imagine a world without them... and there was still ME!
The only thing that came up was some anxiety and the thought of loneliness! 
Me: What the fuck did you do to me? 
Therapist: *sarcastically* that's right, it's all my fault 😂🤣😂
Me: *retells experience*
Therapist: Ahhhh. So, just because you're ALONE doesn't mean you have to be LONELY. 
Me: WHY WAS THAT AN EPIPHANY FOR ME?!?! 
Therapist: Let's do this again. And this time, focus on the anxiety. 
Second trance: not only can I NO LONGER feel the anxiety, but I feel like there's a fucking HOLE in my chest! You know that feeling of breathing through your ears? THAT'S what it felt like!!! But instead of being EMPTY! It was full of fluffy, light, happiness!! Like a motherfucking Carebear's tummy! 
Me: I can't feel lonely... 
Therapist: Ahhh! ...
Me: *explains* 
Therapist: YES!!!
Me: I don't have to feel lonely even when I'm alone! 
Therapist: Now focus on that lightness and happiness! 
Third trance: it feels like there's a doorway into me now... 
... 
*finds key*
*UNLOCKS a fucking hole in my CHEST!* 
*goes through said door* 
*finds SOUL* 
Yes, that's right. I unlocked the door to my fucking soul, THEN climbed THROUGH the door! And found! My! Fucking! Soul! 
Picture yourself floating in space-time. Stars in every direction. Galaxies spinning far away, nebulae and planets, and asteroids and black holes in every direction! Everything is millions of light-years away! Yet, still there. Some, still visible. And you are just floating in a beautiful, peaceful, serene oblivion.
Then a silhouette emerges. A vacuum of space in itself full of its own infinite universe appears in YOUR OWN shape! Stars twinkling throughout your figure! Galaxies! Quasars! Everything surrounding you and MORE! Condensed into YOU! 
Me: ..  
Therapist: ..? 
Me: I love my imagination! 
Therapist: *nods*
Me: I just met my SOUL!! *explains* 
Therapist: YES!! Okay! Now be there with your soul!
Final trance: *skeptical- how do you beat THAT?!* I'll fucking tell you how!!! You HUG your fucking soul! You cry together a little bit, then you MERGE with your soul! You look down at your hands, and see a fucking collection of Stars in a blanket of space but somehow still see your fleshy hand!! You become WHOLE!! You feel something *click* into place and find an entire DEPTH of yourself that you get to explore!!! You become WHOLE and find endless possibilities.  
Oh, and remember my one EMDR session where I was on my island and everyone I've ever known and will ever know were building something huge with me and my support team, and it ended up being me? Yeah, well, my soul went in there. 
...
THAT'S how you top meeting your soul friends.
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Well hello 2020, please know this wasn't a challenge.
That is all, thank you.
I’ve been in a constant state of “getting my life together” for a while now. I get to a certain point, and things happen. Shit hits the fan. Progress plummets. A month or so ago, I decided that this IS my life together. A constant state of chaos with breaks here and there. Then I started thinking, what if my life did fall into place like I’ve wanted? I came to the conclusion that honestly, that would be so boring! I’ve got a life of adventures! I have so many stories to tell, so many terrible and amazing experiences. I feel as though life this far has been way to exciting to live the calm life now. This mind set has honestly made challenges more exciting, traumas more meaningful, chaos more colorful and fun.
No matter what, my story is still being written. And it hasn’t dulled a bit.
*side note: when I start complaining later, don’t use this post against me 😜*
-whatrealityisthisagain
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The Shaolin Nun, via @Kickstarter https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/jccarter/the-shaolin-nun?ref=android_project_share
Okay guys! I've been waiting for this for years!!!!
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So I'd like to update this and let you all know that before February hit, I went to 2 funerals and missed 5 😂
My first attempt at scrying was powerful and confusing until speaking with my sister the next day.
My whole session was a very last minute decision. I got a pyramid mirror holder with an eye shape sculpted into it and a circular obsidian mirror for the pupil. I had no idea what scrying even was. I thought it was just writing stuff down or something. So I read into a bit and found that I was very wrong. 
Scrying, to my understanding now, is the act of gazing into the past, present, or future; OR into the other realms like looking through a window. 
So what do I do as a newer practitioner that didn't even know what the word scrying meant?
Gazed into the other realms. *Keep reading, it gets better.*
With my mirror came a little incantation to invoke the mirror's ability and only allow that - for the greater good - through. Along with that, I had sage at the ready, a black candle for protection, an incent with built in protection, my statues of Ganesh, and all of my alter stuff and tools at the ready just in case. I may be rash, but not a complete fool 😜
So I turned off the lights, lit my candles and incent, invoked Ganesh and Isis and all my other stalker-protectors, and read my incantation. Then I gazed at the mirror, and waited. 
... and waited...
I could see my reflection, which was kinda awkward, so I tried refocusing my eyes, but that wasn't helping with shit either. So I tried moving further away, which also didn't help! I ended up deciding "oh well" and just going with the flow. 
I was having a really hard time focusing on my mirror, but the smoke drawing across from my incent to candle flame was VERY eye catching! Naturally, I decided to focus on that instead for a bit. 
Smoke has a magick all it's own. I love watching it dance, love watching as it flows and swirls playfully through the air, and the flame added to the dance beautifully! I was content watching the wisps make their beautiful shapes and felt that was enough from this ritual to at least give some peace and harmony to myself and surroundings.
The glowing fiery eyes looking back at me through my mirror had a different idea though. When I saw them after watching the harmonious smoke twirl through the air, I'll admit I was a bit shocked. She definitely knew that, and disappeared, but I explained to her - if she was still listening - that it was a shock to see her and I'd love to chat if she didn't have evil or negative intentions. I also reaffirmed my invocation with Isis and Ganesh just in case, cause 🤷‍♀️ya never know. 
The eyes returned with a slight flicker of a skull (I forgot the skull part until the next day) then disappeared for the most part, but her presence stayed. She also flickered on and off the mirror throughout the session. 
Never having done this, I wasn't too sure what to do so I started just asking questions. 
Who are you? No answer. (I thought, but after talking to my sister the next day, a memory was triggered of a skull once more flashing in the mirror) 
Are you my guardian? No answer. (That I remember) 
Are you me? No. 
Are you with me? Yes. 
Do you have ill intent with me? No. 
How often are you with me? Always. 
Are you with me now? Yes. 
I could feel this being's power, and didn't quite trust her, but didn't distrust her either. To be safe though, I lit some sage and glanced at my Ganesh Idol. 
What do you want? The smoke immediately did a 90° change in course from going across the mirror to the candle on the other side, to swirling and dancing to me. 
So... you want me? A flash across the mirror was my answer this time. 
She asked to come through, but I refused her. No one gets to come through no matter who or what they are. That's my rule. 
*this next part I forgot until I talked to my sister the next day, and she triggered the memory back*
I still don't know who you are? You've flashed a skull and red eyes a few times so I'm pretty confident you have something to do with death. 
Yes. 
Is someone going to die? Yes.
 
Am I going to die? No. 
Is it grandma? [My grandmother is 92 and her health has been going bit by bit]No. 
Is it family? 
Possibly
Is it a friend? 
Another flash of light across my mirror followed by thickening smoke. 
Is it someone I know now? 
No answer.
Is it someone I will know?
Flash of red-fire eyes (which I took to mean yes)
*I can't remember if there was more to that, but the rest I remembered before talking to my sister*
My flickering candle distracted me for a moment, so I looked at the flame, then back to my mirror and saw a shadowy figure standing right behind me where the eyes would flicker on and off before instead of the imprinted flame that would usually follow. 
Oh. Hello! You still can't come through. 
Okay. 
.... *awkward silence*
Sorry about the interrogation... I'm very new at this and wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do... *my customer services training screaming at me internally*
.... *silent humor*
... So you're always with me...
Flash of fire eyes= Yes
Have you always, always been with me? 
Yes *I could feel her gleaming smile of anticipation then the smoke caught my eye again*
... Were you with me in my fog? 
Yes *here I lost it. I knew this presence felt familiar! And now I knew why! She was there through my hell! And she was there even further than Hell and it's demons dared to venture with me. 
Her shadow appeared again in the reflection, I'm not sure if her eyes appeared with the shadow or after it disappeared, but I almost remember her hand on my shoulder. 
Have you been protecting me? 
Yes. *memories of me crying on the floor because I didn't have strength to crawl into bed, and a soothing hand glinding across my head in comfort, an invisible hug engulfing me when everything just hurt, a small glimmer of hope appearing when I was ready to give up, an invisible hand holding mine in the dark, a fog surrounding me when I was ready to end my life raced through my head*
Thank you *I said through my sobs*
I don't remember exactly how my transition went from there, she obviously didn't want me to remember everything - yet at least. 
I do remember closing the session, putting out my incent, turning on the light, and blowing out my candle. I believe the Guardian of the west helped me close the session because my black candle was out and I magickally had a blue candle that was never lit during the session when reading the closing incantation. 
I then turned out the light, and not a moment after getting under my covers my older sister sends me a text of a purple sunset. The message with it:
"A purple sunset 💕 gramma is waving at you from NZ"
My grandma passed away 5ish years ago. 
Do I think the presence was my grandma? At first, yes. But not anymore.
The next day, I called my younger sister and told her about it. I explained the eyes that weren't red persay but made of fire and the shadow behind me. I didn't get too far in before she said:
"That sounds like a Grim Reaper"
... 🤯 THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!*this is where the memories of talking to "Death" came back* OH MY GOD JESSE YOU'RE A GENIUS!! 
Then more memories came flooding back. 
My fog that I always hated because it took away ALL of my energy and splotches of time from me was her. Maybe not all her, but her presence was definitely the most potent in the fog. 
She was the reason I felt trapped in thick bubble full of - you guessed it - a suffocating fog. Blocking EVERYTHING out. Sounds were muffled as if being spoken through warped glass or a closed door. The world around me was smokey and blurred, and I could never focus my eyes to get a clear picture. I couldn't feel my feet on the ground. When I walked, it felt like I was floating, but I also couldn't stay in the moment to experience the walk between destinations. I couldn't smell or taste. I didn't have the energy to do anything outside of auto pilot. To lift a knife, or look for pills I didn't flush before getting bad. To be able to drive off that cliff or jump off the edge of the mountain. 
When I did have the energy? 
I jumped through time. Literally. One moment I was lying in my bed wondering if I'd get sleep, the next I was at my desk halfway through the workday. One second I was cutting something for dinner and admiring the knife, the next I was in my driveway After work the next day.
In addition to that, I realized that she was my companion in the dark. When I'd cry alone in my room, she was the force that hugged me when no one else would/could. 
When I held my hand over the side of my bed at night begging for the demons to drag me to Hell or anywhere but here, hers was the hand that reached to hold mine instead. 
Going back further, I realized she really was always there! Even in my younger days, when I wouldn't let anyone know that I was suicidal. When I'd hide it with a smile. She was the one that gave the specks of hope. In my fog, even in the worst moments, she was the one that gave me atom-sized specks of hope that made me hold on for just a split second more. For my papers to be signed. For me to finally just say what I want. For me to finally be me. 
My fog wasn't my torture...
It was my savior. 
My Grim Reaper, is my protector.
-whatrealityisthisagain
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I, and the majority of my generation, have been very angry about Pluto's de-planetation. This has troubled me for a long time! And I have ADAMANTLY kept calling her by the name "planet" as I believed it to he her BIRTHRIGHT!
But, over a teleconference I was part of a week or so ago, a scientist that I deeply respect was able to help me view this beauty in a new light:
Pluto does NOT have the makings of the classification "planet". She is, infact, a making all her own! She is something DIFFERENT! Something NEW! Something SPECTACULAR!! She is the FIRST of her kind that we discovered, and she is by far NOT the last.
As a self proclaimed astronomer, a hobbiest, an obsessionist! I come to you with a NEW outlook on Pluto's "De-planetation". It was as not a "demotion" but a UNIQUE "PROMOTION", something rare for the astronomical society to claim and discover! Something new! Something different! Something special! Something SPECTACULAR! That Pluto WILL ALWAYS be known as the FIRST for!
I understand the heart she so loving shows us now. For discovering her TRUE identity 💜
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I do not like those dangly balls,
I do not want them, not at all.
I do not want them near my clit.
No! Especially with that vainey stick. 
I do not like your weird mushroom,
I've made this known, why "assume"? 
I do not care about its size,
I do not want what's between your thighs.
Not here, not there. 
Not clothed, nor bare.
I do not want it anywhere. 
-whatrealityisthisagain
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Made this for my friend and her new baby named Lily 🥰
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The day of my Uncle's funeral, my therapist called an hour after the services to say he had an opening. (He didnt know my Uncle passed)
Me: it hurts like Hell! But not worse than Hell, ya know? Like, yeah everything is falling apart, and it sucks! But also, it's not one freak accident after another.
Later that session:
Me: they started a fight today before the funeral and because of that I wasnt able to go to the viewing and say goodbye. That's how I accept everything, but I didnt get that because everyone was fighting and it hurt like Hell-
Therapist: but not worse than Hell.
Me: ...
Therapist: *twinkle in his eye*
Me: Yeah!
*this is our new thing 🤣*
-whatrealityisthisagain
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EMDR: Suicidal Thoughts
Let me start this documentation of events off by saying, I had my therapist CRACKING UP today. 
Last week, I let him know - at the end of the session cause I’m sneaky like that - that I’ve been having suicidal thoughts again. 
At the beginning of this session - didn’t even let him start the session - I gave him my over thinking analysis of what I felt was a lot of the reasoning behind my drama at the moment. Long story short, the bloody flood gates of hell are opening next week and I’m PMSing. I’ve also been disasosiating hard core today, and felt that my PMS could also be a huge part of that. All of which he agreed with, and then handed me the EMDR tools to work through them. :’D
So the first time I go under, all I see is words, and all the feelings come up associated with them. Deep in the EMDR trance, I realize that 1. I'm competitive as hell; 2. I’m lonely; 3. My sisters are holding onto an old version of me, and not willing to get to know the me that I am now. 
1. Competitive: No one is willing to try to understand how I really am mentally. Instead they constantly ignore me, tell me I'm over reacting, or to just get over it. So naturally, I want to show them how wrong they are. I can't cut them out (even though they can be toxic as hell) because then I’m the bad guy and still over reacting; whereas, dying shows them really just how honest I’m being. Also how I don’t want to live if I have to cut off the people who have always been the most important to me. And that I didn’t win my battle over my fog just to lose my sisters.
2. Loneliness hurts. Even now, I feel that I could call every contact in my phone to find someone to hangout with or talk to for a moment and no one would pick up or have time. It's happened quite a few times before. Yes, I've fought alone forever, but I don't want to anymore. It's not worth it. 
3. I've mentioned this before, but I've done a 180° in my personality. I used to be shy, submissive, and outspoken. I couldn't say no. Ever. I did everything I could not to hurt anyone; physically or emotionally. Not even the people hate. And I changed depending on who I was with. Not just personality wise, but belief wise. I was whoever they wanted me to be. Now I'm not. Now I'm assertive. I'm bold and opinionated. I'm an Omega that protects my loved ones and myself, but will tear someone to pieces without hesitation. I feel as though my sisters are holding onto who I was, and aren't willing to get to know who I've become. 
That's my assumption though, I told my therapist. We *my sisters and I* are all so focused on our own problems that we’re not willing to honor each other's. And EVERYTHING is taken WAY to fucking personally. Anything any of us say can and will be manipulated and twisted into something fucked up and horrible. Because of that, it’s hard as hell to find anything at all to say without starting a raging fire, so I've decided I might as well just say what I mean and get torn apart for saying that. 
I ended that trance by telling my therapist that I very much so over analyze everything. Which he nodded and laughed at.
My next transe I started thinking that it would probably be easier without me, but before I could finish the thought I laughed in my head because I know it wouldn’t be easier just doable. My support team tried to come in, but it wasn’t time for them yet, so I had to shoo them away. 
I felt all this strongly in my chest; in my heart area. It hurt, weighed down, itched like crazy, and felt raved.
Went back in again and only felt, but saw red threads attached to my heart that my sisters were pulling. With each emotion I had or that flowed through me, they pulled harder and it. HURT! Fucking. Bad. But I realized that as they pulled and as the emotions grew, the pain was being pulled up my throat, and would be pulled out through my mouth if it kept going. 
I told this to my therapist, and he got that "we're getting there" twinkle in his eye. 
Went back in and felt loneliness again. How even though I’m surrounded by family again, I can’t ever rely on them. Even when I was going through my absolute WORST situations and would call for help, everyone had something more important to do. Or they just plain out didn’t answer. I didn’t want to fight alone but did.
And it hurts that I still have to.  
That brought to the surface how I’m just so tired of fighting and just want peace from all this shit, and even though we’ve worked on it, it just keeps coming back! I don’t want to keep up with these fights to the point that having suicidal thoughts aren’t scaring me anymore, but relaxing me. THAT’S scary. 
When I told my therapist this, he told me to focus on the peace I was feeling, and bring in my support group members. I couldn’t decide on who, so we decided to let it be a surprise. 
And a surprise it was my friends. It wasn’t even one of my support team members that appeared, but Lo-and-be hold! It was Ganesh. 
My first thought?
“Fuck.”
If you don’t know my Ganesh experience, it’s documented on here somewhere and is really fucking bad ass if I do say so myself. If you DO know my Ganesh experience, let me blow your mind again. 
In the same clearing, next to the same diamond sprinkled spring, Ganesh was sitting at the edge of the spring in all his normal-looking-meduim-sized-elephant glory, and I went to sit next to him. He just smiled at me because he knew that I knew why he was there. To remind me I wasn’t alone, and remind me that I’m strong. Then the rest of my support team and the Universe sat beside me. I felt other presences, but who fucking knows who they were. I’m sure one of them was my Grim Reaper. 
I opened my eyes and told my Therapist that this whole “Support Group” thing wasn’t fair because all they ever do is prove me wrong damnit. And this made him laugh again. Jerk. Who I fucking love because DAMN! That man is Fucking awesome. 
I went in one last time, and everyone was still there. What was the first thing I did this time you ask?
I looked at Ganesh and said “You’re an asshole” which he responded to me by grinning - his smile was slightly terrifying with teeth exposed and the tusks, but oddly cute and adorable too - like the amazing wonderful asshole he is that keeps reminding me that I’m not ever alone. 
The rest of my support team was also still there, because why wouldn’t they be there revel in my period-brain-melt-down-moment to share my humiliation? Just kidding, it was actually all really touching and-you guessed it-mind blowing, and just plain amazingly beautiful! I leaned over against Ganesh’s leg and we all chilled around the pond revelling in support and not being alone.
I hate being wrong, but hate loneliness more hahahaha!
-whatrealityisthisagain
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I made dis for my bestie 😊💜💚🖤
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The monster being battled today is not one that can be beat. Not while in its territory, and certainly not while it wakes from its deep hibernation. 
This monster is one that surrounds you, attacks from the core of your bones and runs bolts of agony through your veins.
If a simple weapon could defeat it, the monster would not have claimed countless lives before. Not even time can destroy its power. 
When the air turns crisp, when the animals quiet. When the crawlers flee from its grasp. The monster appears in a white flurry. It gathers in millions, billions, and more. And still it silently piles its army high whilst sleep. Only knowing of it’s arrival when we wake the next morn. 
Attacking the old and young alike. Praying on anything within its grasp. The Beast will not rest again until the champion of light prevails, or the earth’s tilt no longer aids the rampage of the monster known as Winter. 
-whatrealityisthisagain
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