#I realized that pushing through the anxiety pays off(as opposed to trying to like. 'fix it' first)

[ineed-to-sleep]

Just as a general life update bc I'm a bit absent lately, but I went on a date on sunday!!! First date with a stranger I ever went to and I nearly died of anxiety I was shaking like a chihuahua but I did it!!!!!!!! LOOK AT ME GO

#ok he wasn't a total stranger I'd talked to him for a few days prior on tinder #but I'd never even seen him before so it was v scary!! I had no idea what he'd be like irl #but it was very nice and he actually seemed more nervous than me fjcjkvkf which I didn't think would be the case but well #that's the way it was #it went super well like we got along really well #talking face to face was way better than through text #and we kissed!! I really went in expecting nothing and got a few smooches out of it would you look at that #plus he's bi and has adhd too so it was like bi to bi communication clown to clown communication yk how it is #honestly after this I'm never getting involved with a heterosexual man again. only bi men understand me #he was NICE he was POLITE he was interested in what I had to say he was respectful he was cute he appreciated my masculinity AND. #he smelled good #a cishet man could never #sleep.txt #anyway sorry for the gushing rant djfkkckv in conclusion I just wanted to say that #I realized that pushing through the anxiety pays off(as opposed to trying to like. 'fix it' first) #and getting involved w queer ppl as a queer person can really pay off too #ofc there's situations where it might not go well but when it does. then it really does

[quite-an-odd-fellow]

Normal Oak-Swallows-Garcia-Marlowe-Lee-Wilson-Swift-The Unworthy, a not so Perky Peppy guy (spoilers through season 2, episode 44 of Dungeons and Daddies)

Will Campos is a brilliant role player, which was already evident from watching him play Henry, but to me Normal shines as the one that actually suppresses his emotions effectively, leaving him emotionally isolated.

Taylor never really tries to hide what he’s feeling, but even Scary and Link who do try to hide their feelings are usually pretty obvious about it anyway. Her tummy never hurt, she just wanted the attention. “Boss Kicks” is pretty clearly not a mature person who’s moved on from learning the truth about his father.

But Normal? He always backs down. Always lets it go. Puts on a grin, because he’s a mascot at heart and he at least needs a mask if he can’t be wearing the Teenie head. Everything gets pushed down so he can carry on with enthusiasm. He loves these people, because they’re his only friends and he can’t rely on his family. None of them really notice him, though.

Somehow perfectly reminiscent of Henry’s anxieties in a realistic generational way without playing into things too heavily, Normal is standing on the edge of a tightrope that’s always threatening to snap. He takes about a dozen punches to the trauma center of his brain throughout these adventures, from his father not being proud of him, to Taylor and Link bonding and becoming closer to each other while he’s left to the side, to Scary trying to sabotage everything he’s working towards, to Hermie rejecting him then immediately offering a date he doesn’t care about if he’ll kill Scam, you get the picture.

In the end, he tries so hard to get everyone to be close, happy, good, and better than their fathers that he sometimes crosses the line without realizing it.

In episode 44, he tries in his own way to bring Scary to a better place. He figures it’s a good idea for her to apologize to Tony Pepperoni, he felt guilty about their involvement, so surely Scary must want to get some of that weight off her chest too, she was the reason he died! Even if misguided, his heart was in the right place. Inevitably, he's met with anger and disdain from Link and Taylor, who never give him an inch.

What can he say, though? Lark and Sparrow don’t like the way he is. His ‘friends’ often don’t like the way he is, and they all partner up with each other without him. Hermie rejects him pretty harshly and then tries to use him to get with his 'better' friend/wife.

Nobody likes him, from his perspective. Honestly, from my perspective too. Link likes (crushes on? It feels that way to me) Scary the most, from how I see it. Taylor feels like his best friend, and Normal’s… his childhood friend that’s a part of the group? They aren’t the same kind of close.

Taylor is mostly just chaotically Taylor, but often butts heads with Normal’s ideals. He doesn’t really show any signs of caring. Even he focused in on Scary, although it was with negative feelings. He’s besties with Link and loves to get into shenanigans with him. But he never really pays attention to Normal, or has fun with him.

Scary I think actually does somewhat like Normal, but has been too in her own head to give thought to him. Clearly she opposed and was angry with him at her worst, but in lighter moments she actually sort of looked out for him in her own way. In the most recent episode, she clearly puts a bit more thought towards him than before now that he’s so obviously upset. Link is too, but it comes off more as guilt for now than concern. Unfortunately that’s kind of the only time she actually shows real thought towards him, and he’s already been pushed off the edge.

I’ve been waiting a long time for Normal to have his full breakdown. His sister is literally named Hero, she was made for this, not him. Nobody liked Teenie until Link danced in the costume. His friends aren’t actually his friends. His parents don’t even like who he is. He thinks he’s good for nothing.

So he throws on that crumbling mask, putting back on the shell he’d tried to break out of, and stews in silence. Hides because there’s nothing left holding him together but the tiniest thread of the mascot surrounding him keeping him from shattering.

It’s beautiful, and this season has absolutely knocked me on my ass.

Normal is such a well crafted lonely teenager who can’t seem to fit in. It’s why I think he was so connected to the Doodler. The Doodler is in his family’s blood, they all either desire it’s demise or were literally born to bring it about, but he empathized with it. Wanted to show it unconditional love, because that’s all he’s ever wanted. And even that connection is overshadowed by Scary’s connection with it.

This poor, poor boy. All of the cast has had great moments that made me feel like this too, but damn is he a well roleplayed teenager. I feel that gut punch every time he’s pushed to the side or laughs off his traumas like I was in high school all over again.

I absolutely cannot wait for the next episode, and am cautiously hoping that by the end of his arc we can see the kid be happy and know that he’s loved.

#dungeons and daddies #normal oak #scary marlowe #taylor swift #lincoln lee wilson #sparrow oak #lark oak #unhinged rant #seriously just me talking way too long about normal oak #will campos #beth may #matthew arnold #freddie wong #anthony burch #give the poor lad a break maybe

[clairefoyanttt]

Chapter One

I filed for short term disability for burnout about two weeks ago. I'm still waiting for final approval from the leave group, but I'm reasonably certain it will be.

Step one was ensuring it was an option with my company. I reached out to HR, who is required to keep these conversations and inquiries confidential, and they confirmed it was an option but would need a doctor to say it was medically necessary.

Step two was getting my doctor on board. She grilled me, hard, because saying this is medically necessary when it isn't is fraud and if I was trying to pull a fast one, it's her ass on the line. She was, understandably, concerned as my previous anxiety self test had looked like an improvement and the one I took the day of our disability discussion was a drastic change for the worse. I think she probably thought there was a chance I was artificially nudging my scores. However, the day of my last appointment with her, I had an interview scheduled for that afternoon for a company that I thought was going to be a great change for me. They offered me great pay, the recruiters swore they were a family-friendly company, that they would be accommodating to my kids schedule, and it was closer to home. What actually happened was learning that the job was going to be significantly longer hours, zero opportunity for remote work, and a significant drop in paid time off. So yeah, I had been really hopeful in her last appointment, and still scored fairly high on anxiety but not as bad as I did the day I walked in there realizing that I either had to figure out a way to make things work with my current job, or I was going to be unemployed.

In fact, that's what I told her. I said that one way or another I was not going to be working as of February 23rd, either because I was on disability leave, or because I quit. I think that was when she realized that this was legitimate.

I also agreed to up my therapy sessions to weekly as opposed to the current bi-weekly schedule, I shared with her the steps I had taken to mitigate my depression and anxiety (gratitude journaling, meditation, taking walks in nature, eating better, exercising more, spending less time on my phone, socializing more frequently, sleeping better, etc) and assured her that I'd seen improvements at home, but work was still a disaster.

After our appointment, she and my therapist worked together, and the result is that my doctor has approved the request and believes it is medically necessary.

Yesterday I had my last day in the office, and my last day of work. I also had my annual review with my new-ish boss. The conversation was wonderful, if a bit uncomfortable, and I am genuinely excited about the goals we have set for this year and the projects I'll get to work on upon my return. That being said, it was hands down the worst annual review of my life. Inconsistently met goals, failed to meet goals, standards not set, it was a disaster. Luckily I fully expected it to be a disaster, so it wasn't a surprise and I didn't get upset.

You see, 10 years ago this year I joined the Army. Less than a year later, I was set to run my final PT test on a knee I had injured 6 months prior. I passed my push-ups, I passed my sit-ups, and all I had to do was pass a two mile run. Within a half mile, I knew my knee wasn't going to make it. Around the 3/4 mile mark, my knee gave out and I hit the deck hard. It took a second to breathe, popped up on my feet, and sprinted. My knee gave out again, and I fell. Then I got up, sprinted, and fell. I did this for about a half mile. I wanted everyone who saw me to know that I pushed myself. That I was strong. That I was determined. I thought that made me a worthy person. I failed my test that day, but it wasn't my fault. My knee just couldn't keep up.

Unfortunately, pushing through that pain also gave me lifelong knee problems. I am currently in physical therapy once again due to meniscal fraying because my knee was already weakend and unstable from my decade old injury and exacerbated by pregnancy, and carrying a child who now weighs 26 and a half pounds. I might have made a good impression on the people who saw me running that early morning in Arizona, but in my desire to be seen as someone who wasn't a quitter, I gave myself a lifelong injury.

This time, I failed again, and it still isn't my fault. My mental health is fractured after years of frequent change, the stress of COVID, the stress of being a full-time working mother, the stress of having an injured spouse, the stress of having no family nearby to chip in when things get tough, the stress of difficult bosses, the stress of living with a traumatic brain injury, the stress of ADHD exacerbated by TBI and mom brain... However, I can take ownership of my mental health and work to improve it so that I don't fail again in the future.

And that's my plan. During the coming weeks, I will try to rest a lot. I will try to stop beating myself up based on perceived expectations. The only opinions that matter to me, in order, are mine, my son's, my husband's, my dog's, and my boss's (and that's a distant fourth during this recovery time).

So, I will be a potato. I will sleep. I will binge comfort shows and video games. I will take long walks with my dog and have dinner with my family. I will play with my kiddo and spend tech free time outside. I will remove the things in my house that stress me, and show off the things that bring me joy. I will find rhythms for personal and home upkeep that I can maintain when I go back to work. I will go back to my creative roots and be happy creating things again.

I woke up this morning with my jaw clenched and my back on fire. For now, my goal is to wake-up rested instead of stressed. And that's enough for now.

[hockeylvr59]

What Ifs, Part 3 || Jeff Skinner

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: I’ve been trying to write this part for at least six months so it feels good to finally get it finished. Hope you’re ready for some fluffy Christmas content in April, and a boatload of sexual tension and some idiocy. Set Fri/Sat Dec. 13th/14th. See next post & 010 tag for Jeff’s apartment inspiration and the Christmas tree inspiration. 

For a quick recap: You met Jeff at a spillway in northern PA and met up with him at a beach in Erie a few days later. After that daily conversation ensued and he visited you to go to a college football game before you surprised him at a Pens/Sabres game he didn’t think you were coming to. He kissed you postgame and murmured that he would very much like to fuck you after you teased him as he headed to the team bus. 

Warnings: sexual tension ||  Word Count: 5,472

~~~~~~

Light snowflakes were falling, landing on your car’s windshield and then quickly melting. Christmas music played softly over the radio, while you followed your phone’s navigation through the streets of Buffalo, New York. There was just something about Christmastime that caused little bubbles of joy and excitement to course through your entire body. Those bubbles grew two sizes larger when you thought about the week ahead. 

It had been a month and a half since you’d seen Jeff in the bowels of PPG Paints Arena, had felt his arms wrapped around you, felt the press of his lips against yours. Since then, you hadn’t been able to get those brief moments out of your head. Though you talked with Jeff basically every day, and your conversations had become more intimate, you hadn’t talked about the fact that he’d kissed you and you certainly hadn’t talked about his declaration that he would indeed like to fuck you. Finally though, after a month and a half, you were less than 12 hours away from seeing him face-to-face once more. 

Pulling into his apartment’s parking garage, you gathered the trash you’d accumulated during the six-hour drive before climbing out of the car, stretching out your body. You’d finished your last final this morning and per Jeff’s request had immediately packed up before hitting the road. You’d be asleep when he got in from tonight’s road game, but when you woke he’d be there and that was more than enough motivation to not delay your trip until tomorrow. 

Throwing your trash into your purse to take inside, you gathered the rest of your bags and locked your car. Stepping into the apartment complex’s lobby, you stopped at the doorman/security officer’s desk. Two minutes later, you had a key in hand along with a note and were directed to press the button for the fifteenth floor in the elevator. Stepping off the elevator, you searched for the right apartment, stopping in front of it with a sigh. Setting your bag down, you fumbled with the key for a moment but as soon as the door swung open you couldn’t help but smile. Though it was clearly a bachelor’s apartment, the atmosphere was immediately calming, something you very much needed after a long day. 

Setting your bags down, you slipped your shoes off and made your way into the kitchen where you leaned yourself against the counter to read Jeff’s note. His scratchy script urged you to make yourself at home, rambled about how excited he was to see you, insisted that you use the money he’d left on the counter to order dinner, and left channel information for the television so that you could watch the game. Just above the scrawled Jeff, his final sentence brought a warm flush to your cheeks. 

The guest bedroom is all yours if you want...but I’d love nothing more than to come home to you in my bed. 

You’d shared a bed before, but that was prior to the not so innocent encounter you’d had in Pittsburgh. Still, something pushed you to carry your things down the hall, past what you assumed was the guest room and into what was clearly the master suite. Leaving them on the bed to deal with later, you returned to the main living space of the apartment, taking a few minutes just to wander around. Jeff had pictures of his family on shelves by the tv which was hung on the wall above a gas fireplace. Looking out the window, you could see the arena just a few blocks away and couldn’t help but laugh knowing Jeff hated long commutes. Turning back to the apartment’s interior, you noted that his large sofa looked warm and comfortable, and he certainly had a chef’s kitchen even if he was no chef. As promised, there were a pair of twenty-dollar bills tucked under a fruit bowl on the island and you decided maybe it was time for dinner since it was nearly seven o’clock. 

After searching for local restaurants you decided that game food sounded good and so you placed an order for chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, pretzel sticks, and deep-fried cheesecake for dessert.  Since Jeff had threatened you not to even think about paying for the food yourself you complied and noted that you were paying with cash. With food on its way, you moved to try and figure out Jeff’s tv, settling it onto the channel for the game, pregame programming already playing. 

It wasn’t long before Jeff’s face came across the screen and immediately your heart fluttered. It was silly because you watched Jeff’s games all the time (at least when they didn’t conflict with the Penguins), but for some reason watching it while sitting in Jeff’s apartment felt different. Just before puck drop, you got the alert that your food was downstairs so after slipping on some shoes, you grabbed the cash and key and made your way down to get it. 

With dinner spread out across the coffee table, you got yourself a glass of water and settled in on Jeff’s couch. About midway through the first period, he snuck the puck through the goalie’s legs and into the back of the net causing you to let out a cheer. Just before the end of the second, he buried another puck past the goalie to give the Sabres a two-goal lead. Watching Jeff play so well made a content smile settle onto your face as you cleaned up your leftovers and trash before snuggling under the blanket that was tossed over the back of the couch. With your eyes occasionally fluttering shut, you missed what preceded the tussle Jeff was currently in with a player on the opposing team. Immediately anxiety filled your body, but soon you watched as Jeff was led to the penalty box appearing no worse for wear as he continued to chatter away. 

By the time the game ended, you had already started to fall asleep on the couch, so you decided it was time to head to bed, tidying up before locking the front door and retreating to Jeff’s bedroom. There you changed into pajamas before setting your suitcase on a chair in the corner. Brushing your teeth and washing your face was all you needed to do in the bathroom and after plugging your phone in, you flipped off the lights and tugged the covers back climbing into bed. Soon, with your body sinking into the comfortable mattress, you were out like a light. 

___

“Shh, it’s just me…go back to sleep.” You heard whispered as you stirred. You had no idea what time it was, but as the bed shifted beside you, part of you realized that Jeff had arrived home. Unconsciously, you shifted toward him and a warm set of arms draped around your waist as you settled your head against his shoulder and dozed right back off. 

When you actually awoke, the room was filled with the faintest morning light. It was only then that you processed the fact that your entire body was tangled with Jeff’s, pressed tightly against him. Your head was still on his shoulder, your bodies touching from your chests to your hips, and your legs were entwined with his. Your mind raced to figure out how to best extract yourself when you felt Jeff’s chest vibrate under you. 

“Morning.” He murmured, his voice groggy. Lifting your head, you glanced up to see that his eyes were still filled with sleep and he had a sleepy smile on his face as he gazed right back down at you. 

“Morning…” You whispered back, shifting the hand that had been curled against Jeff’s chest to run through your hair. 

“Sorry if I woke you coming in last night…” Jeff said, yawning softly. 

“I don’t think you did…” You whispered. “I don’t actually remember you climbing into bed.” 

“Then it was just your body that noticed.” Jeff teased. “Because you shifted to cuddle me immediately.” A warmth crept over your cheeks but Jeff’s smile only grew, still lazy and soft due to the early morning hour. “Was kinda nice,” Jeff explained with a small shrug. “Told you I wasn’t going to complain if you chose my bed.” He continued, his lips dropping to press gently against your forehead. 

After stretching slightly, you finally dropped your arm back to Jeff’s torso, your fingers grazing against his abdomen. A low groan slipped from his lips and he moved his hand to lace his fingers with yours. 

“As much as I wanna stay here…” He mumbled. “Want you to keep touching me.” He added under his breath. “We should probably get up before I have an even bigger problem.” This time when your eyes met his, they were a shade darker than just a minute ago and your saliva caught in your throat at what he was implying. 

“Mmmm...yeah…” You agreed, working to extract your body from his. “I um...I’m gonna use the guest bathroom real quick...do you have stuff for breakfast in your fridge?” Jeff’s expression was unreadable as he watched you climb from bed, making your way towards the hallway door. 

“I’m sure we can find something.” 

___

By the time Jeff made his way out into the kitchen, you had managed to find a package of pancake mix and some bacon and eggs in his fridge and were hard at work making breakfast. Without saying a word, Jeff moved to start some coffee before taking over the skillet with the eggs from your hands. 

“Let me help.” He chided. With the two of you working side by side, it didn’t take long to have breakfast made and once it had been served onto plates, Jeff paused, pulling you into his arms. “I haven’t had a proper hug yet.” He explained, almost whiny about it. Settling your arms around his waist, you returned his hug, enjoying the feeling of his arms around you. “So glad you’re here.” Jeff declared, kissing your head once more before pulling away.

Settled at his kitchen island you ate breakfast in comfortable silence. When you were finished, Jeff took your dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher. As he did so your eyes raked over his body, dressed only in sweats and a t-shirt. He was so attractive that you had to force yourself to look away before he caught you staring. 

“So what’s the plan for today?” You murmured, not sure what exactly he had in mind since you’d let him plan pretty much everything. “Or I guess I should ask about today and the rest of this week?” You added, realizing that beyond the fact that he had one home and one away game, you had no idea what his schedule was like. 

Jeff turned to lean against the counter across from you as he responded, his smile bright and eyes twinkling. 

“I thought maybe today you could help me decorate?” He suggested. “We have the day off so I’m all yours. Then tomorrow we just have practice so I was thinking you could play tourist for a bit and then we could go out for dinner, maybe introduce you to Jack or some of the other guys.” After laying out his thoughts for weekend plans, Jeff paused for a moment to let you respond, and when you simply nodded he continued. “Monday we play at home, I already have your game ticket. Tuesday is a quick up and back to Toronto, we’re literally flying up in the morning and back after the game. I think a few of the guy’s girls are going if you have your passport on you and would be interested, but no pressure there if you want to stay here and veg for a day.” Warmth flooded through you at Jeff’s acknowledgement that this trip could be a lot and that if you needed some quiet time during it that was more than okay. At the same time though you couldn’t help but feel slightly overwhelmed at fact that he wanted you to meet his teammates and their significant others. 

Jeff pulled his lower lip between his teeth and his fingers rubbed at his neck before he spoke once more. “And then uh...Wednesday we have our team Christmas stuff, an official organization family skate in the morning and then Jack is hosting just the team and dates to his place for the evening…” 

“Oh uh…” You breathed, having no idea that all of that was going on while you’d be here. Sensing that your brain was spinning away from you, Jeff rounded the island. 

“But uh...we can talk about that later. I don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Let’s just see how things play out okay?” He offered and when his fingers laced with yours you found yourself nodding. “Good…” Jeff breathed. “I just want you to enjoy being here.” His concern, the way his eyes spilled over you, it all made you want to shiver in the best way. 

“So...decorating?” You mused, bringing your mind back to focus on the day ahead instead of dwelling on everything else and the weight all of it held. 

“Yep...go get dressed.” Jeff prodded, lifting you off of the stool with ease and placing you on your feet. His show of strength sent a spark through you and you nodded, retreating back to the bedroom to dig through your bag for clothes. Fifteen minutes later, you had pulled on a pair of jeans, a snuggly sweater, warm socks, and had done a really light coat of makeup before sliding into your tennis shoes and grabbing your coat. 

“Ready?” Jeff inquired from his spot on the couch in the living room. 

“Yep.” You replied, taking in Jeff’s similar outfit and the way it clung to his form. Sliding your phone into your pocket and grabbing your wallet, you followed him down to the garage, sliding into the passenger seat of his SUV with just a little help. Once he had pulled the car out onto the downtown Buffalo streets, his hand fell to rest over yours and you looked over at him, biting your lip at how natural the warmth of his palm felt. 

With Christmas music playing over his car’s speakers, the drive was quiet and almost a bit stifling. Then Jeff murmured once more that he was really glad you were here and the way he glanced over at you told you that he meant that with everything in him. 

“I’m glad I’m here too.” You replied, heart fluttering a bit no matter how much you tried to control it. Jeff drove out of the city and into the surrounding suburbs before pulling into the parking lot of a Walmart. When he parked, you climbed out, dropping down onto the pavement before meeting him at the rear of the vehicle. 

“And here I thought you were taking me somewhere more exciting than a Walmart.” You joked softly, bumping your shoulder into his arm. Jeff’s cheeks turned a little pink as he walked beside you into the store. 

“I figured we’d get the ornaments and garland and everything first and then head to the tree farm to pick the tree.” He explained rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t really have any decorations here.” He mumbled under his breath causing you to look up at him curiously. “I’m fairly close to home, usually traveling, and haven’t really had a reason to decorate before.” He shrugged. You nodded, letting him grab a cart as you followed him into the store. In the back of your mind you couldn’t help but focus on his words though. Neither of the first two points had changed all that much so was the driving factor the third...and if so was that reason you? Though you wondered, you didn’t ask, instead just pushing it to the back of your mind once more. 

Being that it was already mid-December, the Christmas section of the store was fairly well decimated and you watched Jeff’s eyes go wide as if he didn’t expect that. Giggling to yourself, you moved over to the rack of tree lights which was mostly empty but still had a few boxes of both white and colored left. 

“What color lights do you prefer?” You asked him softly knowing that was as good a place as any to start. Jeff looked at you like he honestly had no idea so you grabbed the remaining few boxes of white lights, tossing them into the cart he was pushing. 

“I didn’t expect everything to be gone.” He whispered softly as he pushed the cart down the empty aisles. There was one container of white glass ornaments tucked onto the back of a shelf but otherwise there really wasn’t much of anything. 

“Jeff it’s mid-December.” You murmured back leaning against the cart. Sensing his distress you rested your hand over his. “Is there a Michael’s nearby?” You asked, pulling out your phone to check when he didn’t seem to know the answer. Finding one about fifteen minutes down the road, you grabbed the container of white balls since they’d go with anything, a box of ornament hooks, and you then urged Jeff to head to check out with your meager findings. 

Back at the car, you plugged the address into his GPS and squeezed his hand assuring him that Michael’s would have plenty of decorations left for him to choose from. It didn’t take long to drive to the craft store and when you led Jeff inside this time you couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on his face at seeing aisles upon aisles of Christmas and other decorations. Starting in the aisle full of ornaments, you asked him what he liked and what kind of aesthetic he wanted for his tree. 

For a moment he just looked back and forth like this was too many options before finally pointing to some wooden carved ornaments and how those looked kind of cool. Finally getting somewhere, you smiled and pulled a few of each design off the hooks setting them into the cart. After suggesting various colors of ornaments which received faces with varying degrees of dislike, you finally picked up a container of dark green balls and a pondering face crossed Jeff’s face. 

“Forest green with the white balls from Walmart and the wood?” You reminded him trying to get him to picture how it would all look together. 

“Do you think it would look good?” He asked and when you nodded he offered his hand out for the container to put it into the cart. Spotting a similar container that was just a little smaller with silver balls, you grabbed those as well putting them into the cart and shrugging at his questioning glance. 

“You need at least a little bit of sparkle. So just a little metallic.” You insisted. Deciding that should be sufficient ornament wise, you moved down the aisles to find something that would serve as a nice garland and fit with the aesthetic Jeff seemed to like. A few aisles over you found strings of wooden balls and you showed Jeff before adding them to the cart. Then you disappeared into the depths of the store before coming back with wide-width forest green velvet ribbon which would give the decorations just a little bit more depth. 

Jeff just watched you maneuver through the store before asking if you had everything you needed. For a moment you nodded but as you made your way to the check out, you spotted pine cones and added a container of those as well knowing that would be the perfect finishing touch. 

“Oh…we need a tree topper too.” You said, stopping out of nowhere right in front of the cart before tugging him off in the direction of the toppers before picking out a simple but pretty silver star to go on top. 

“Now are we done?” Jeff asked, though his expression was one of amusement not annoyance. Pausing for a moment to look over what was in the cart, you then nodded finally letting him go check out with all of your goodies. It was going to be a pretty tree, well once you actually picked out a tree. 

As Jeff unloaded the cart, you noticed that he had picked up a few small wreaths. One was just plain and you weren’t sure what he had in mind for that but the other was simple but pretty and perfect for a door and the command hook he unloaded alongside of it suggested that he’d thought the same thing. There was also a tree stand which was probably going to be helpful, and a white faux fur tree skirt. 

It didn’t take long for Jeff to pay for all of the decorations before grabbing the bags and guiding you back out into the cold weather to the car. Shivering slightly from the wind, you tugged your coat tighter around you as you climbed into the passenger seat again, reaching for the seatbelt. 

Within just a few minutes of Jeff starting the car though, you were warm from head to toe and you realised he’d turned the seat warmer on for you. While you were still in a fairly commercial neighborhood, Jeff pulled into a Starbucks drive-thru and ordered warm beverages for the next part of your day. From there he drove even further away from the city and you watched the northern New York countryside pass by your window unsure of whether the warmth you were feeling was solely emanating from the seat and beverage or from the way Jeff made you feel. 

As you drove farther into the countryside, a light snow covered the ground and trees making everything look that little bit prettier. Seeing the tree farm up ahead you couldn’t help but bounce a little in your seat because this was something you’d never done before. Your family has always had an artificial tree so you’ve never picked out a real one before. 

Following Jeff because he clearly knew what he was doing in this regard, you moved through the rows of trees behind him, eyes wide at just how many there were. 

“Have you seen any you’ve liked?” Jeff asked, popping up behind you somehow after a few minutes.” Jumping a little you smacked his arm gently for scaring you. 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking for…” You murmured. “It’s your tree.” You reminded, shrugging your shoulders after sticking your hands back in your pockets because it was cold. Jeff’s chuckle filled your ears and he reached to pull one of your hands out of your pocket, tucking it into his own as he led you down the row of trees pointing out a couple that he liked. Reading his body language, you urged him that the one he really liked but wouldn’t say so was the one and after that he handed you the keys, kissing your temple and telling you to go warm up while he got the tree paid for, cut down, and loaded up. 

From the car you watched as, with the help of the lot’s employee, Jeff loaded the tree up onto the top of the SUV and got it tied down. Soon after that you were off to head back into the city Jeff asking what you wanted for lunch since it was already that time of day. 

“I can just make something when we get back.” You assured him, not minding cooking for the two of you. Jeff murmured back that he didn’t invite you here to cook for him all week and you sighed softly replying that you didn’t come up expecting to not do anything all week either and that you could handle a few meals. A moment later he nodded, deciding that this wasn’t something worth going back and forth over and he turned his attention back to the road as the city loomed in front of you once more. 

Having reached the garage of his building once more, you moved to grab as many shopping bags as you could so that you could get them inside and ready to decorate the tree which you weren’t quite sure how Jeff was going to get inside and up to the fifteen floor as you had a feeling it was too tall for the elevator. 

You realized Jeff had come to this same conclusion moments after you did when he cursed under his breath. 

“Let me get all the breakable decorations upstairs and then I can come help you with the tree?” You suggested. Jeff seemed to agree but when you came back down, he was carrying the tree with the help of the building’s doorman, brushing off your help and just asking you to go wait on his floor to open the stairway door. 

Shaking your head to yourself, you took the elevator back up not envying the poor doorman helping Jeff to carry a tree up fifteen flights of stairs. At the top, you waited for them, holding the door up when they approached and then moving to hold the apartment door open as well before moving out of the way as they leaned the tree against a wall. While Jeff talked to him, you retreated into the kitchen to try and figure out what to make for lunch, deciding to make up a quick stir fry because that wouldn’t take long after defrosting some chicken in the microwave. 

You were grabbing some things from his freezer and searching for another pan when Jeff appeared behind you making you jump again. 

“You gotta stop that.” You chastised, looking over your shoulder at him. “And I hope you are going to do something nice for your poor doorman.” You added teasing, nodding when Jeff assured you that he was getting him game tickets and a signed jersey. When he asked if he could help you shook your head telling him that he should go figure out where he wanted to put the tree and get it set up so that you could start decorating after lunch. 

“Alright, just holler if you need something.” He agreed before moving back around the island to the living room leaving you to navigate his kitchen to make up a quick lunch. By the time you had all your ingredients ready, the chicken was defrosted and you put it into the pan with just a little bit of water to start cooking, adding in the vegetables shortly after that. When everything was looking good and ready, you added in the stirfry sauce and added the rice to the small pot of water you had brought to a boil. 

Within 20 minutes you were serving lunch onto plates and calling Jeff to come eat, laughing at how he was struggling with the tree. Moving to lend him an extra set of hands quickly, you managed to help him get the tree into the base and secured so that it would stand on its own. Repeating that food is ready, you smile at how flushed his cheeks are before moving back into the kitchen teasing that now you understand why he’s never decorated before. 

Getting ice from the icemaker you didn’t hear him say that he never had anyone worth decorating for, though those words would have brought tears to your eyes if you had. 

___

After lunch you let Jeff finish up the dishes while you worked on pulling all the decorations out of their bags. With everything laid out, you turned some Christmas music on from your phone to set the mood again. 

When Jeff came in he turned on his gas fireplace and taking a strand of lights you’d already plugged in and checked from you, he started to wrap the lights amongst the branches working his way from the bottom of the tree up. It was almost seamless, the rhythm you settled into with you checking the lights and unwinding them before Jeff took them to continue wrapping around the tree until it was fully lit once plugged in. 

“It already looks pretty.” You grinned signaling to him that he’d done good work with the lights. 

Jeff just smiled that bright smile back and you reached to open one of the containers of ornaments while also grabbing the box of hooks. Again, the two of you took turns putting hooks on the ornaments and handing them to each other, making sure that each color and type was dispersed evenly around the tree. As you hung one of the wooden ornaments toward the middle of the tree you felt Jeff press up behind you, hanging a silver ball above your head. The heat of his body made you shiver and as he pulled away his hand slid along your waist as he steadied himself. You didn’t say anything for a moment before asking him to hand you one of the green balls. 

Jeff pressed against you from behind twice more while tucking pinecones up into the branches of the tree and he slid against you while passing to grab the ribbon to drape around it. Each time he did so, a jolt sparked through your body, but that little voice in the back of your mind insisted that he didn’t mean it like that. Focusing on draping the wood garland so that it was spaced opposite the ribbon, you didn’t see Jeff’s eyes rake over your body or the way they softened as you hummed along to the Christmas carols. When everything was finally on the tree you reached to hand him the star to top it off insisting that he do it since it’s his tree. 

For a moment Jeff hesitated before he reached to set the star on top before stepping back to admire the tree with you for a moment before you shifted it back toward the wall and got it plugged in, adding water into the base now that it wasn’t going to be moved anymore. The final step was adding the skirt around the base which Jeff insisted you do since you were already down there with the water. Once that was done, you smiled at how pretty it looks and hugged him from the side declaring that it looked worthy of a magazine. 

Cleaning up the packaging, you watched as Jeff moved to hang the one wreath on his door while the other was placed under the fruit bowl in the center of his island with pinecones and a small green and white ornament tucked into it. 

“Good work Mr. Skinner.” You grinned, washing your hands from the pine so that any pollen didn’t irritate your eyes. “Your apartment is ready for Christmas now.” His dimple was showing and his eyes flashed with something you didn’t understand as you peeked over at him suggesting that they watch a Christmas movie since they were done decorating. 

Jeff agreed and you settled onto the couch handing him the remote as he pulled your feet into his lap before draping the throw blanket over your legs. After checking for your approval, he settled on Elf and you couldn’t help but smile as he quoted along to the movie. 

Pausing after one movie to order dinner in and eat, you settled back in, bellies full, this time putting on the first Santa Clause. Instead of sitting like you had before, this time you sat next to him, leaning into the same space. When his thumb dropped down to brush against your inner thigh part way through the movie you felt a buzz form low in your core that didn’t stem from the bottle of wine you’d shared with dinner. 

Jeff seemed to have no idea of what he was doing nor any idea the effect it was having on you. Yawning slightly, you murmured that you were going to go use his bathroom to shower if that was okay. You weren’t really paying attention to the movie anyway and you needed a moment to breathe. You’d thought that things with Jeff were different than they had been before Pittsburgh, but he hadn’t made a move or anything so maybe you were wrong. Either way there was no way you were going to stay sane with the pressure of his thumb against that part of your body. 

Tonight, when Jeff slid into bed beside you, you were going to keep some distance. As much as your body wanted to be close to his, it was for the best because there was no way you were going to make it through a week here with him if you didn’t, even if he was your best friend.

#jeff skinner imagine #Jeff Skinner #buffalo sabres #buffalo sabres imagine #nhl imagine #nhl imagines #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #bsabres #010

[hopecountyisforlovers]

movie night;

rating: general

pairing: martin blackwood x xandyr jameson

words: 2273

summary: i sat down and said "i'm gonna write martin and xandyrs first kiss" and what i actually wrote is 2200 words of pining with one paragraph about kissing. #oops

----------x----------

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when Xan fell in love with Martin, in the same way it's hard to pinpoint the exact moment the sun rises in the morning. The more he thinks about it, all the most natural things in the universe seem to happen that way- in the spaces between blinks, when you aren't exactly paying attention.

Martin's makeshift bedroom smells like old papers and discarded academia, just like the rest of the Institute- and yet it's weaker here. Overshadowed by lemons and tea and raw sunshine. Xan fidgets, nervous- sometimes he cannot help but think that he is polluting this space just by being here. That it's an act of pure selfishness that he's here almost every night anyway. Stacks of unfiled something-or-other forms litter the floor of the dimly lit room, some with old rings from discarded cups of tea where he's clearly been using them as makeshift desks.

Xan swallows hard- his mouth is dry, his heart racing. He's considering leaving- considering telling Martin he's had an emergency and that he has to leave him alone in this dark, depressing place for the night. It'd hurt him in the moment, sure, and he'd hate himself for the look of shattering that would pass over his soft, round features- but it wouldn't hurt him as much in the long run, as much as if he found out the truth about him.

At least- that's what he tells himself. But like everything else about him, it's a lie. If he left.... leaving would be even more selfish than staying. Martin needs someone, now- and in his more extreme flights of fancy, he can sometimes delude himself into thinking that someone might be him.

Light floods into the room from outside as the door opens- Martin smiles at him, all freckles and white teeth and fluorescents reflecting joyfully off his round glasses, and Xan would swear on all the things that were holy the light was coming directly from him. Had he really been thinking about leaving just a second ago? He's pushing a small cart with an ancient TV atop it, sitting squatly on the haunches of an equally-as-ancient VHS player. And of course- two cups of tea, adorning either side of the cart like decorations. Underneath is a tray of cupcakes, on top of a stack of assorted tapes- had he made them or bought them? Xan doesn't think he would care if he was trying to poison him with them.

"S-sorry I'm so late! I thought, well- it's a bit boring in here, with nothing to really uh, do-" He rubs the back of his neck, sheepish, "So I thought we could, er- put on a movie or two! I mean, if you want. If not, well, I could take it back, or-"

Xan shakes his head rapidly in denial- not because he cares particularly whether or not they put on a movie, but because he doesn't want him to leave. "A few movies sounds....nice. As long as they aren't, uh...cursed videotapes, o-or something. Knowing this place...." His attempt at humor falls only a bit flat as blue eyes go wide behind thick frames- as if Martin himself was just now considering that the Institute might house cursed videotapes. Xan can't help but laugh a little at the owlish expression. Martin's eyes narrow playfully.

"Havin' a laugh at me, are you? Cheeky bugger," a laugh shakes his broad shoulders, "Keep it up and I won't share any of these cupcakes!"

Xan knows hes bluffing in the same instant he knows he won't call him on it- sharing is to Martin what breathing is to most other people. It might actually kill him to eat a full tray of cupcakes while someone watched. He messily pantomimes zipping his lips closed in a way he hopes looks natural, although he can feel he's still smiling. The door closes behind Martin as he hands him his cup of tea, still steaming hot, and turns to the old television, flipping it on and lighting up the room in a bright blue. Xan sips his tea as he watches him fiddle with the dials and controls. Luckily for them both, it seems like the VHS player is already pre-hooked up to the television.

"What kind of movies do you like?" The question catches him off guard, makes his heart beat faster out of anxiety as opposed to anything pleasant. It occurs to him that he has no answer for this question- he can't even remember if he's ever seen a film before.

"Ah- All kinds! I-it is your room! We should watch, uh..whatever... whatever you want!" It's said too quickly, with a layer of fear that's hard to shake, but Martin doesn't seem to notice. Instead he's looking at him like he's given him a gift- his heart stops all together, twists like it's being wrung out.

"Whatever I want? Really?"

This man is going to be the death of him.

Xan nods as he sips his tea, even though it burns his mouth a bit. It's something to do with his mouth besides further dig himself into a hole, in any case. "Whatever you want!"

"O-okay! But don't... laugh, alright?" He pulls a VHS out of the stack underneath the cupcakes, and displays it for him to see- on the front cover of the box, an attractive women is in a loving embrace with an attractive man. The blurbs on the box promote it as being "heartwarming" and "the love story of our generation". He doesn't laugh, but he does smile- has he stopped smiling since Martin came in the room? He thinks it should start to hurt at some point, being this happy, but it never does- not his face, anyway, and not while it's happening. It's so typically the kind of thing Martin might watch that he feels like he could have guessed, when presented with the stack.

"I know, I know, it's a...well. A bit of a ladies picture, but..." His face flushes a high enough pink to be visible even through the cerulean light of the television that slants over his features. Xandyr's tea shakes in his hands and he has to drink another long sip to make sure it doesn't spill. It tastes sweet on his tongue, like syrup and honey, so cloying it threatens to choke him- just the way he likes it. "It's one of my favorites! I- I promise it's quite good!"

He trusts him implicitly, with a lot more than their choice of movies to watch- a knife through his chest, reminding him what he's doing is wrong. Martin cannot trust him implicitly in turn- there is nothing within him to be trusted in.

Martin pops the movie into the VHS player, which makes a whirring sound as if it is oh-so-put-upon by the task of having to do its job. For all Xan knows, it might be. It looks older than both of them put together. But it accepts the movie, beginning to play previews and coming soon featurettes that look much crisper than he expected they would. A warmth against his thigh snaps him out of staring at the TV screen- Martin has sat down next to him on his bed, a cup of tea in hand and the tray of cupcakes placed across both of their laps, and in the space underneath it their legs are touching.

Xandyr reaches for a cupcake. They're frosted through a spectrum of greens- dark and light and pale pastel. It reminds him of his other life, of light through the trees and moss on the trunks. Of being hunted and hunting in turn. Of falling asleep in bars of sunlight. He shoves it into his mouth, again too fast, and after he has made far too much of an embarrassing show of chewing and swallowing the whole thing at the same time he realizes that Martin is staring at him expectantly, a nervous and excited air about him that shimmers in bright blue eyes, so so close to his face now- too close.

Not close enough.

"What- What do you think?"

"I think I love y-" Xandyr bites his tongue, hard enough that he can taste blood even through thick frosting. What had he almost said? Holy shit. "I, ahaha, think I love them! I mean, I know! I do! Love them! Great cupcakes, Martin, really!"

"If you don't like them, that's-"

"No, I really do! I swear!" He makes a show out of taking another one, taking a bite this time instead of shoving it into his face like the wild animal he only barely feels like he still isn't. Martin's expression becomes unguarded all at once, that smile settling in place over his features again. Up this close, Xandyr can see every individual freckle that dots his cheeks, the stubble that lines his jawline where he hasn't shaved lately. He has to stop looking at him- has to- he feels like he's bound to be blinded any second now, like staring at something so perfect has to have far-reaching cosmic consequences- but all at once he understands why so many societies worshiped the sun and burned out their eyes in devotion to it.

In the end, Martin turns away from him, facing the TV screen that's now 5 or so minutes into the movie he had put in. He unwraps a cupcake, taking a bite, and makes a sound analogous to a hum, and Xandyr finishes off his own and follows him in repeating the process.

30 or so minutes in, teacups are pushed aside, emptied of their contents. Martin's leg is still touching his own under the tray. The cupcakes serve as a pleasant distraction- if he doesn't distract himself, he's sure he'll lose his mind. He nibbles at them, making them last. The man and the woman onscreen have clear chemistry- at least, he thinks they do. What would he know about it, other than that he wants to see them together?

About an hour. The couple is on a date. Love shines in their eyes. He couldn't tell anyone how they got there if his life depended on it- Martin's shoulder is pressed against his own now, sucking the breaths from his lungs. With the exception of laying down to sleep at night, they've never been this close. It feels.. different. More... intentional. More significant. Like a declaration of something it couldn't be.

Xan reaches for another cupcake, another distraction, but is intercepted by warmth under his fingertips instead, by an electric shock that jerks his head towards Martin like it was on a swivel. He's looking at him again, and he can tell by the look on his face that he felt that too. Xandyr feels heat rush to his face and dread stir in his stomach. It felt so good- better than anything he had ever felt. He couldn't have any more of it. He so desperately wanted more of it. Martin is looking at him like...

Like he wants more, too.

It's impossible, isn't it? And even if it wasn't impossible... even if the feeling that pours from blue eyes and washes over him like warm rain is genuine- he shouldn't, can't encourage it. It'd be unforgivable, to encourage him to fall into a void.

And yet.....

"Martin..." He whispers, and it is as much a plea as it is a warning and a confession. Don't come any closer. Please come closer. I'm going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I love you. Run away.

Their fingers are locked together- when did that happen? Why does it feel like they were made to? His head swims with dizzy sensation.

He leans in, artless, uncoordinated- he's never kissed anyone before but all he can think about is Martin's lips, parted as they are with the weight of longing. He can feel his breath, can taste it in the air, sweet like frosting and then some, and he is so, so close-

"Wait, wait wait wait!" Martin pulls away with a panicky tint to his voice, and Xan is sure for a heart shattering, relief filled moment that he's done something wrong. That Martin will never speak to him again. It's what's best for him. He can't stand the thought of it.

But he simply slips his round glasses down off the edge of his nose, folding them and placing them safely by his empty teacup, and smiles that beatific smile, leaning back in close.

"Didn't want them to- ah- to get in the way..." For the second time tonight, his tone and mannerisms are sheepish.

Xan can't help himself- the distance between them disappears in a flash, mouths melding together in a mingling of sugar so sweet it makes his teeth ache and his chest ache and his stomach hurt. This is the pain he was waiting for; It's the best pain he's ever felt. His traitor hand combs through fluffy, soft blonde hair, catching on the hair pretty holding his ponytail in and combing it out effortlessly- and to his own surprise, a hand winds into his own hair, pulling at him feverishly. Kissing Martin is all he imagined it would be- soft and gentle curves melding to him in all the right ways, with an edge of what he didn't expect- a desperation to him that mirrors his own.

What he's done, what he's doing, is unforgivable- it flutters through his bloodstream, alternating lighter than air butterflies and the crushing weight of a hundred lead balloons.

He'd do it again in a heartbeat.

#my writing #f/o: martin #it occurs to me ive never made a lore post abt xan and that maybe i have to do that for most of this to make any sense #maybe ill make one and then rb it #but also this is the longest thing ive written in such a LONG ASS TIME #im so proud of it #id really appreciate if you read it and gave a little feedback !!!!! #no pressure though i know this is insanely long

[ramblinganthropologist]

MER Week #1 - “Fun” in the sun

Summary: Alistair Shepard doesn’t want to take a vacation. Unfortunately for him, Dr. Chakwas disagrees. Lucky for him, he’s at least got a buddy to complain about it with. Nothing like having your pilot there - now if only they could agree on the Normandy’s gender. Oh well, they got time until the Normandy’s fixed.

---

There was nothing like a sunny beach to remind Alistair Shepard that he hated beaches and the sun.

“Get some sun, she said, it’s good for you… pretty sure a doctor is supposed to warn you against skin cancer, but what do I know? I’m just a medic…”

Maybe it was a little immature, but he definitely kicked at the sand in front of him. Perhaps if he had been in a better mood, he would have appreciated the fact it was blue and sparkly. However, even that couldn’t save him as he scowled down at his feet. Right then, it was just an insult to his growing injury.

He would have rather been going off and finding the collectors, but something wrong with the Normandy had led them to stopping on the planet while the techs figured it out. Even then, he would have preferred getting his hands dirty getting the sexiest ship he had ever seen airborne. However, he wasn’t – he wasn’t allowed.

Yes, allowed was the correct word this time. He may not have been under the Alliance at the moment, what with being dead and all, but Alistair still had to follow orders. In this case, they were the doctor’s. Dr. Chakwas had called him in not long after they had landed, showing him his latest readings. His stress was through the roof, and he was going through anxiety pills like there was no tomorrow.

He had, of course, tried to argue it was a result of coming back to life, but she hadn’t believed him. Honestly, he hadn’t even really believed it himself as he had said it. Lying really wasn’t one of his fortes. Fixing shit, hamsters – he was good with those. Lying, not so much. That was why people called him a boy scout. Well, that and he listened to doctor’s orders. He had only wished those orders hadn’t involved kicking him out of the airlock after making him change his clothes in the medbay. Apparently, armor wasn’t really appreciated on a beach.

Fine… if he got his ass shot, he was blaming her. Besides, she would be the one patching him up anyway. Hooray for pyrrhic victories.

“Investigate the beach my ass…” he sighed, running a hand over his hair as he sat back in his seat. From where he was sitting under a beach umbrella, it was all bright skies and warm waters. And sand. So much fucking sand. The shit was everywhere, including on him. At least the sand he was used to was pale enough to not show up against his skin. This shit, oh, this shit was going to be fucking annoying. It was making him sparkle like a fucking 21st century vampire, even as he tried to avoid it.

And even if he could, he wasn’t allowed back on the ship until it was fixed… so he was stuck under that beach umbrella, devoted to people watching and trying not to fry.

You know you don’t have to stay under the umbrella, Commander. You could use some sun.

It was rare for Dr. Chakwas to come in through his omni-tool, but no doubt she could sense a disturbance in the force. That, or she had a camera on him. Honestly, he wasn’t sure, but it didn’t put him in a good mood as he stretched out. At least the chair was somewhat comfortable, but that wasn’t saying much.

“I go out there and I’m a lobster in five minutes.” He adjusted his sunglasses, laying back. “No, Taako’s good out here. In fact, if you need me to come back and supervise the re- “

No.

Her voice was as flat as the beach and just as stinging. Alistair scowled at this as he let out a sigh. Well, it had been worth the effort. Persistence was one of his strong suits – or was it one of his flaws? Eh, it depended on who you asked. Right then, Dr. Chakwas was definitely considering it the latter of her tone was anything to go by.

Couldn’t blame him for trying though.

You need the rest, Commander. Your heart rate has been far too elevated. Even a new heart can’t take the strain for long.

“I know… but couldn’t I do it inside?” There was no missing the sulking tone to his voice as he sighed again. “At least then I could hang out with Saren.”

Grunt is taking excellent care of Saren. Now, take care of yourself. We have an estimated two hours until the repairs are complete.

“Yes, ma’am.” His eyeroll was hidden by his glasses as the call cut out. Once alone, Alistair shook his head and laid back. Maybe if he was lucky, nobody would pay attention to the sight of a pasty redhead hiding under a beach umbrella. If that was the case, he was content to try napping.

…

Well… he would’ve if he wasn’t reminded of the stupid sand, stupid water, and the fact he’d been kicked off his own ship for an enforced vacation.

“Fuck.”

“Hey, language. There are probably some kids around here. Do you want them picking up swear words from humanity’s first Spectre?”

A new voice drew Alistair’s attention as he sat up, pushing his sunglasses to his forehead. Someone had taken the seat next to him, stretching out in a way they clearly didn’t get to normally. It took him a second – normally, those hairy legs had pants on them – but he knew the face and the laugh anywhere as reality set back in.

“Joker?”

“What, did you think you were the only one to get vacation exiled? The techs said I kept interfering with their tests on the Normandy.” The pilot nudged a can over. He came bearing Sprite. This was why he was Alistair’s favorite. “Figured a peace offering would help your mood some.”

It did. The Spectre was more than happy to accept the can and take a deep sip. Something about cold sugar water did wonders to elevate his mood, and when he sat back again he didn’t feel quite as pissed. He was still pissed, mind you, but it wasn’t as bad. Honestly, he had gone to sub krogan rampage to annoyed hamster honestly.

What, the Normandy was his ship. He didn’t like people messing with it.

“Thanks.”

Joker chuckled as he leaned back, enjoying the shade. “Surprised you’re not out there swimming or whatever normal people do at the beach. Chakwas gave you the swim binder, right?”

Yes, he was wearing it underneath the short-sleeved jacket he had managed to grab before being forced out of the airlock in nothing but flip-flops and a pair of board shorts. It was just as uncomfortable as his regular one, but there was strange comfort in that. At least there was something familiar for him.

“I don’t like going around in just a binder.” His words trailed off as he felt his cheeks heat, even in the summer sun. “Besides, that way I can keep you company. Can’t have my best pilot breaking anything trying to impress the ladies.”

Next to him, Joker snorted. “Unless you’re cheating on me behind my back, I’m your only pilot. Besides, you know that the Normandy’s my only lady, Commander.”

Alistair found himself snickering as well as he allowed his sunglasses to fall back over his eyes. “That’s too bad, because I’m fairly certainly the Normandy is a man. And you can’t argue with me, it’s my ship and I get to make the rules.”

Well, at least the rules that didn’t concern throwing him out the airlock. Apparently, he could be overruled there. Wasn’t that technically mutiny? When he got back on the Normandy, he would need to look into that. Maybe he would finally get to toss some people out the airlock. Consider it returning the favor…

Wow, he could just feel the little red number in the back of his mind go up with that one.

“Damn, now you got me right in the middle of insubordination. Going to have to disagree, because after flying her, I know she’s a woman.” Joker was still grinning as the two of them did their best to avoid the sun. “You sure you’re not getting the wires crossed, Commander?

“I am the biggest fucking homosexual you know, Jeff Moreau. I know a sexy man’s energy when I see it.”

The two paused, fixing each other with a deadpan glance. The beach was now their battleground, two opposing forces meeting in the no man’s land where neither would give ground. It was an old war, one that would have no victors.

Naturally, it only took them a few seconds to break once everything sunk in.

A few seconds later, the laughter started with two octaves harmonizing in a weird staccato that made Alistair’s insides feel like something had just been scraped out. It was stupid, he knew it was, but something about the whole argument just made him want to laugh harder. For once, he didn’t argue – down he went, doubled over as tears beaded in his eyes.

Joker wasn’t much better, but he was a bit more careful. After all, the two were tied neck and neck for most ribs broken on the Normandy. Chakwas wouldn’t want him pulling ahead and obtaining the dubious honor, so he made sure not to break anything as he leaned against the armrest of his chair, turning red.

Clearly, they were both going insane. But at least they weren’t alone.

“Man energy… right.” It took a few shaky breaths for the pilot to regain his normal tone. His cheeks were still a little red, even under the beard. Of course, that was nothing compared to his commanding officer – Alistair knew he probably looked like a tomato right then. “Shit, I needed that.”

The Spectre nodded as he moved his sunglasses to wipe away a tear. “Same here. Maybe that’s why we got kicked off the Normandy.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s because they don’t want you crawling around and getting stuck somewhere. It’s kind of embarrassing to have to rescue your CO from the ducts.” Joker chuckled as Alistair turned redder. They still weren’t letting him live that down – it was one time! “Apart from the whole dying thing, it’s a miracle you made it to 30 honestly.”

Now it was Alistair’s turn to chuckle as he replaced his sunglasses. “I’m only 29, actually. My birthday’s not for – “

He paused, sitting up when he realized Joker had stopped talking. When he lifted his sunglasses, he realized the man was staring at him, wide-eyed like he had just announced that the vorcha had just gotten a seat on the Council. No, it was worse than that – somehow, it could be. He was downright gobsmacked.

“What, did I say something weird?”

His words snapped the pilot out of it. Joker shook his head, coming back to life. “No, it’s just… damn, Commander. You’re younger than me?”

…

“You’re older than me?”

Now they were both staring at each other, finding it hard to say anything. Alistair should have been used to this, given his rather quick rise in rank and the weird position he occupied. A number of people under him were older, probably a decade or more in some accounts. Yet he had never extended that thought to Joker, despite everything.

Shit, was he honestly even 29? He had been dead those two years and all…

“Damn, we got a kid leading us against the Collectors.” Joker chuckled despite everything. “No wonder you don’t drink, they probably wouldn’t let you in the bar.”

The Spectre resisted the urge to stick out his tongue as he returned to laying down. “Don’t hate on me, old man. I can’t help the baby face.”

“Hey, with age comes wisdom. If I had a lawn, I’d tell you to get off it.” Joker chuckled as he leaned back as well. “Guess I can tell you to pull up your pants or something. That’s what wise elders do, right?”

His pants were always pulled up, thank you very much… it kept his dick in. You try managing two pairs of underwear and a packer if your pants are too low.

Still, Alistair found himself in a much better mood as he let the heat take him over. The sound of the waves, coupled by the bubbling in his ignored can of soda, were almost soothing as he felt his eyes grow heavy.

“You look like you’re about to conk out, Commander.”

He answered with a yawn, eyes finally closing all the way. “I think you might be on to something there, Joker. Wake me up if it looks like I’m about to get roasted.”

There was a soft chuckle to his side. “Alright, but I’m taking pictures for the rest of the crew.”

Alistair could live with that. And so he did, as he felt himself drifting off to the weird dream-free zone he often found himself in. Maybe it was the sound of the waves, or the dark coolness brought on by the overhead umbrella. Whatever it was, he gave himself over to a much-needed nap time.

Somewhere, Chakwas would be proud of him. Look at him, following doctor’s orders like a good boy. Maybe he would make it to 30 after all.

#merweek2021 #this is so dumb #but it made me laugh #Alistair Shepard #ramblinganthropologist's writing #Joker has a little crush on Al he's totally admiring the view #not that he realizes that #Al is the king of bi awakenings #joker mass effect

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Fifteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Fourteen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Sixteen

Marnie pov.

I walk into the record company, finding a very young guy at the front desk, probably the intern. Encumbered with phone calls and notes, I wait for him to finish everything before speaking. His lost eyes soon find me and he smiles sympathetically.

“Hi Marnie, Luke is in studio three.” he whispers quickly, getting back on the phone.

I smile in thanks, heading down the hallway he's pointed out. I didn't think it would be so easy. The noise coming from behind the door to studio three startles me. The boys are laughing and screaming so loud, it amazes me that no one came to complain.

I knock on the door twice, hard, to try to get their attention over that area. A guy in a cap opens the door, revealing a room with at least eight people inside.

Luke is the first to jump out of his chair, coming over to me, grinning hugely, pulling me into the room. Ash gets up too, following close behind.

“Sorry for interrupting, but I needed to talk to you.” I look at Luke, who agrees. I pull him out of the room as I hear Irwin complain.

"A disregard for my friendship. Before, she used to come here to see me, not to see you, you empty-headed bunch.”

"She never came to see you." Hood opposes.

I ignore the pre school fight, focusing on the tall blonde in front of me. I lean against the wall, letting him get closer.

Luke had spent Friday night with me, taking care of me. We also spent Saturday morning together, just existing on the couch. That was definitely a very good point for both of us and it really strengthened our relationship. It also didn't make him leave my thoughts, earning him the title of the cutest guy I know.

Never would Stephen do that to me, even because when I was bad he didn't even come close, not wanting to “catch my bad energy”.

“You forgot that at home.” I give his coat, trying to hide it was against my will deliver it so easily.

I saw the coat the second Hemmo left the house, but when the perfume enveloped me, I decided for my own good, to just keep it for a little while, spending day and night in it. Luke stares at me with a raised eyebrow before taking the coat from my hands, smiling.

“Funny, I really missed it, but yesterday, I saw it in your stories, so I didn't worry anymore.” I roll my eyes, feeling my cheeks heat up. "Let me enjoy that you still don't hate me today."

“Too late.” I interrupt him, biting my lip.

"I wonder if I can pick you up, so we can go to the Troubadour together."

The boys are playing there today, for the Friends of Friends event, and I was particularly excited, it would be the first time I would see them play live. “First time”.

I wrinkle my forehead and look around, pretending I was thinking about it. Luke looks at me in disbelief, holding back his laughter. I pout, shaking my head.

"I think you can! Yes, you can. I allow.” I press my lips together, wanting not to laugh.

“Oh God, you.” he shakes his head, looking away. I let out my laugh. "Can I pick you up at 7pm? I need to be at the Troubadour at least an hour before the show.”

“Of course! No problems. Go! Now I need to talk to Ash.” I push him back to the door.

“It's about my birthday, isn't it?” he opens an excited smile.

I dissolve my expression, wanting to hit him. Damn it, he knows. I feel the surprise party going straight down the drain, but I don't want to give in to it.

“No! The world doesn't revolve around you, Hemmings.” I cross my arm, teasing him.

“It's about my birthday! Alright, I'm going to pretend I don't know anything.” he takes two leaps into place happily.

“My God, I hate you.” I hide my face, sighing. I can't believe he screwed up his own surprise party.

“Hey.” I hear his voice close. I take my hands away from my face, finding his very close. His lips steal a kiss from me, quickly.

“Go away!” I pick up my bag, hitting him.

Luke walks into the studio laughing, yelling at Ash that I've been waiting. I walk around the hallway, wanting to wipe the stupid smile off my face. I hide my face again, returning to the scene that just happened about 50 times, at least.

“Say it!” Ash approaches.

“I hate him!” I point to the studio, taking a deep breath.

“Of course you do! And the sky is green. I can see how much you hate him, by that silly smile on your face.” Irwin raises an eyebrow.

"Don't make me use my purse against you too." I scare away the latest happenings, focusing on what mattered. "Do you have the ring?" he hands me a silver ring set with a black stone.

“Quickly, because he's already noticed he's gone.” I nod, still analyzing the jewelry.

"I'm going right now and tonight I'll return you at the Troubadour." I keep the piece in my bag. "All set for Friday?" he nodded. "You know he knows, don't you? How did he find out?”

“Behind that stupid face, he's smart sometimes.” I roll my eyes at my friend, laughing. “Seriously, if you pay attention, sometimes it feels like there's an elevator song playing in his head. Especially when he's standing staring at something.” I laugh when Ash decides to imitate Luke, staring blankly at the wall.

“You guys are terrible. Well, I'll be on my way, see you later.” I give a kiss on his cheek.

Thursday is Luke's birthday and I, more than anyone, want it to be a perfect day. Also, I want to give him a nice present that somehow doesn't involve my body, as I apparently did before.

Searching the internet, I found a store in east LA that sold some jewelry that I thought would be to his taste. I was going after a box with five rings and three necklaces, which looked like they were made for Luke.

If I could, I would advance the time, just to give the gift soon. I just want to see his face and hope he likes it the way I think it will.

I walk past reception, waving goodbye to the poor receptionist who still seemed tangled up with the phones. Interns.

"Marnie?" I turn around when I hear my name. The man in the dress shirt, who had just passed me, approaches smiling.

“Yes?” I look at him confused.

“Of course, you don't remember. Sorry! I'm John, 5sos’ tour manager. How are you?”

“Oh! I'm great, thanks.” I soften my posture. Being Luke's girlfriend, I must have seen John a thousand times.

"It was quite a scare. I'm relieved you're okay.” I smile gratefully at the concern. "Would you have a minute for us to talk?"

Luke pov.

I lean against the car, waiting for Marnie to get out. I take a deep breath, trying not to let the anxiety get the better of me. We've practically spent the weekend together, we're getting closer, she's letting her guard down with every second we spend together, letting me fight to win her back, and yet here I am, shaking like a stick, as if it was the first time we went out together.

"Pathetic!" I say to myself, not accepting being like this.

We dated for two years, it's not like she was a stranger. I know her better than she does. I already know everything she likes, how she's going to react to every move I make and even then, I'm terrified of doing something wrong.

When I realized I was falling in love again with every detail of her, I didn't think that insecurity would come back with it. In fact, I thought it would be better than the first time, that I would be more confident and secure. But it’s Marnie I'm talking about, she eliminates any security and logic in me.

I twirl the little ring through my fingers, noticing how cold and sweaty my hand was. Yes, that human being not five feet tall, can mess with me.

I hear the door unlock, prompting me to put the ring away quickly. Marnie steps in front of me, walking around with open arms. I give her the dumbest smile.

“So? Am I OK?” she stretches out her Friends of Friends hoddie proudly.

"You look spectacular." I sigh, feeling my heart race.

"Not really, it was a little old thing that was in the back of my closet." she laughs, sounding like her mother last week. I blink a few times, trying to disguise the stupid face I must be making.

“You really look fantastic.” I say before holding her body against mine. I sink my nose into her neck, taking in all of her scent, letting into my bloodstream, fueling the butterflies in my stomach, along with the touch of her skin against mine, even with the clothes between us.

I ease my grip, releasing her, but her body remains pinned to mine and she pulls me back, squeezing me tighter. The action takes me by surprise. Not that I didn't want to hold her, I could live the rest of my life here, in her arms. But that indicated something was wrong.

“Is it everything OK?” I whisper, overcome with worry. Marnie just nods, affirming, or rather lying to me. She's not fine.

Her body pulls away and I see a sad glint in her eyes. My body tenses, seeing that fake smile take her lips, unlike the one she gave just minutes ago. My face hardens, realizing she was acting.

“Marnie…” I start my speech to say that she could tell me anything, but she interrupts me.

“We're late, we need to go. Let's go!” she dodges around me, heading for the car door.

I sigh, seeing that I won't be able to get anything out of her today. As far as I know, she doesn't want to spoil the night and will hold it off until the end. I hate when she does that. Keep everything to herself, without the slightest need, we can share the problem and even the pain, that's what a couple does, they support each other.

We left the building, taking the expressway to get there faster. Marnie babbles about her excitement to see the band play live. Normally, I love to hear and see her talk too much. Seeing her eyes flashing rapidly, her tongue getting tangled up in some difficult word, or seeing her start to laugh before she can get the funny part out. Her clumsy hands, moving quickly until she managed to drop something.

But now, I can only move my head automatically, still with my mind on her bad performance from before. Until this morning everything was fine, she was excited and happy. Until minutes ago she was happy. But now it's just a facade covering something I can't quite make out what it is.

She didn't argue with Leah, because the gossip didn't get through to me, and I'm sure Noah would have let me know by now, so we can set the process for the two of them to make up. I didn't see anything on the internet that could have messed with her. Unless something happened during the photo shoot.

"Luke?" I look quickly at her, who was looking at me amused. “Are you OK?” now she was the one asking.

“Yeah! Sorry, I daydreamed a bit. Thinking about everything I need to do getting there. What did you say?” I try to push my worry away, focusing solely on her, which is what I cared about.

"I asked if you're going to play my song?" my cheeks heat up. She knows?

"What song?" I question carefully.

“The one made for me, Amnesia.” I stop at the light, staring at her mischievous smile. This one is not fake.

"You didn't make that joke." I say disappointed. Marnie laughs beside me. “I refuse to accept that you made such a horrible joke. Marnie, you were not like that.” I shake my head.

“It was good, you can't deny it.” she pulls my hand into her lap. I freeze from the movement, feeling my skin tingle.

“It was terrible and it insults me somehow. I taught you wonderful jokes.” her fake, forced laugh catches my attention as I accelerate.

"I hear your jokes are horrible." I look quickly at her, who's sitting sideways, her head leaning back against the bench. Shit, she is so beautiful.

“This is a huge lie.” her laugh fills the car again.

The mood gets better the rest of the way. I still have my mind hammering at that moment, but I leave it for later, as she probably would. We entered through the back of the Troubadour, meeting everyone in the hallway and dressing room.

I hold her hand, pulling her close to me as we walk into the crowd. As I expected, M&Ms become the center of everything, everyone wants to say hello to her and see if she really was okay. I leave her for a few seconds in everyone's company, pulling Ashton and Leah aside.

"Do you guys know if something happened to Marnie?" They deny it. "Didn't you discuss?"

“No! In fact, I'm missing it.” Leah turns her face away, watching M&Ms laugh among the crowd. “What there was?” she looks at me again. I resume the scene for the two of them.

“She was fine when she left the record company.” Ash reinforces my thinking.

"I didn't know anything about today's photo shoot." Leah adds. "You don't think Stephen might have shown up again, do you? Or even that bitch? Bethany?” I shake my head.

Stephen had to be really, really dumb to show up to Marnie after she said she knew everything. And Bethany never tried to talk to her after what happened, I doubt she would try now.

“I'm sure she doesn't want to say anything yet so as not to spoil the night, we know how she is.” Leah rolls her eyes, she also hates such an attitude. “But later on, she might tell what happened and right away it will be with one of the three of us.”

"If she says anything later, I'll talk to you." Hastings warns.

I thank the brunette, who quickly rejoins Marnie. I watch her extend her still-in-a-cast arm for them to sign in the few empty spaces.

I quickly prepare for the show so I can stay with her for a few more seconds before taking the stage. I position myself behind her, who was sitting on the arm of the sofa, letting her body lean against mine. I watch for her hand moving up to her shoulder, placing it under mine. I drop a kiss to her pink hair, watching her lean her head back further, looking up at me with a beautiful smile.

Shit, I'm so in love with her.

Minutes after a lot of mess, we got ready for the stage. Marnie comes to me before running to their place. I adjust the guitar, opening my arms to her, who comes bouncing.

"How much have you had to drink?" I ask, laughing, looking at her rosy cheeks.

“Just a little.” It hangs around my neck. “I promise not to pick a fight with anyone." she laughs.

“Thanks! I feel more relaxed.”

“Good show!” she wish me, stealing a kiss like I did earlier.

Marnie escapes my arms like sand, running to the door and running away hand in hand with Leah. I rub my face hard, not accepting how she can move me so much.

I approach the guys, doing our circle like every time we go on stage.

The lights blind me for a few seconds and soon I can see that sea of ​​people ecstatic to see us there. Ashton takes the lead, thanking everyone in advance for their presence and explaining why we're there.

I position myself at the microphone, ready to start singing Youngblood. Before I give the cue, I look upstairs, seeing her cotton candy hair watching me with a mixture of admiration and sadness. I blink at her, who smiles lightly and without strength. I play the chord, trying to focus my attention on the show and the new song I'm going to sing for her next, but all that goes around my head is: What's going on, Marnie?

OMG! Luke's new music video, am I right?

#michael 5sos #5sos imagine #5sosedit #luke 5sos #5sauce #calum 5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos blurbs #5sos fanfic #5sos #ashton 5 seconds of summer #ashton 5sos #ashton fletcher irwin #ashton irwin #calum 5sauce #michael gordon clifford #calumthomashood #calum hood #michael clifford #mgc #memorieslrh #afi #cth #luke hemmings fic #luke hemming imagines #luke robert hemmings #luke hemmo #lukey #luke hemmings smut #luke hemmings

[faangirl101]

Burning Heart: Pt 2

Burning heart masterlist

Pairing: Zuko x reader, Zuko x y/n

Tags: Enemies to lovers, slow burn

Summary: Raised mostly by yourself, you made a living for your youth years as a maid in one of the richest families in Ba sing se, Beifongs. There Toph, a blind young rich girl, taught you earth bending and also became your new family. Not that you would admit that to her. Together you escape Ba sing se on the back of a flying bison with the Avatar, in a mission to take back the world from the fire nation. But on the journey you didn’t plan to team up with the Fire prince himself, and you definitely did not plan to get butterflies around him. But you couldn’t possibly catch feelings for a fire bender right? They ruined your life and took everything of value from you. But you couldn’t lie to your burning heart.

Warnings: swearing

The Western Air temple

The forest was darker than I thought it be. At these hours I assumed that the sun would be swallowing the green moss but the trees prevented most streaks. I didn't even realize I was running until the trees got more scattered, allowing the sun to peek through. I had no real plan how to find him, I hadn't looked for footprints or broken branches. I was like an impulsive idiot. I just rushed into a forest alone. But I had to find him. I had to confront him. I had to kill him. He opposes a threat to the gang, to Toph. I had underestimated him before, I would not do it again. I gave myself a few seconds to take a breath. I had been running for a good while and was out of breath and covered in sweat. Stupid idiot. As I bent forward to allow air into my lungs I detected something. A sting of smoke sipped through my lungs and burned my throat. A fire. He was close. Now more collected and controlled I sneaked forward. With every step i took i made sure to bend the ground under me so moss swallowed any possible noise my shoe could make. The only thing hearable was the chirping of cardinal birds and the drilling of woodpeckers. The scent of burning wood got closer and closer and I quickened my steps in response. Finally it was so strong I suspected it must be in earth bending distance. I peeked behind the tree in front of me to find a camp. The bonfire was put out but still fervor and the ash was still warm. And Zuko.

He looked exactly the same as yesterday but it still made me halt in my steps. The streaks of suns fighting through the thick branches reached across his face glistening in sweat. His hair still had the morning ruff and his scar seemed even more red than yesterday. Every little killing method I imagined in my head on the way here was completely gone. Now when he stood in front of me, it was different. But I had to keep reminding myself of the image of Toph's scorched feet. “Zuko”, I growled and he turned abruptly. He was startled by my presence, but scared of the look in my eyes. In a second of boiling blood and red vision I bend the earth around him to drag him towards me so we’re face to face. This close the details of his sharp features were prettier. He was pretty this close. The two or three freckles across the bridge of his nose. The pink tint of his lip. The softness of his hair. I shook the thought away as I lifted my hand to grasp his throat. Not to stop him breathing, but to make him feel threatened. He didn't seem that threatened by his bored look but I could feel the lump he swallowed vibrate against my palm. “I didn't believe the shit they said about you until what you did to Toph”, I clicked my tongue in denial “burning a little blind girl? that's low, even for you Prince”. He strained against my grip with a scowl “Don't call me that”. I raised an eyebrow “What? Prince? Oh right! I forgot. Banished huh? Why do you think the Avatar would want you when even your own family doesn't”. That seemed to be a soft spot since he somehow with pure body strength broke himself free from the stone cuffs around his feet to push me backwards. I lost my footing but luckily didn't trip all too embarrassing.  But the shame made me furious as I attacked him. I was just about to bend the ground under him when he moved like a panther against me. I groaned loudly in pain when my back rasped against the rough bark of a tree. Both my wrists were locked in a hard grip by his much larger hands. His body heat radiated over to mine as he pushed up against me, preventing me from moving. “Calm down”, his voice was in my hair, forcing a shiver down my spine. I swallowed thickly, unsure what to do. “Look”, he leaned back to look into my eyes, which was somehow worse. Against my will I met his honey pool eyes. “It was an accident, she came in the middle of the night and startled me. It was self defense. I had no idea it was her”. I stayed quiet, trying my best to escape his grip. It was too much, his rough palms against my sensitive skin, his hot breath in my face. Just the knowledge that he was so close set my body on fire. If i stayed here any longer i would do something i would surely regret. “Get off me”, my voice came out chapped and raspy. Instead of it sounding like an order it came out like a plea. His thumb swiped across the side of my palm swiftly before letting go. It was a small motion, but I noticed. It made my heart pound furiously, I bet he could feel it. the rumpling deep in my chest. I licked my dry lips, finally taking a step away from his. It felt like the world lifted off my shoulder when I finally got out of his intoxicating aura. I was happy I didn't faint. I pointed at him “If you ever, and i mean ever, touch Toph again. I will hunt you down, Prince”. I spit the last part and happily noticed he scrunched up his face. Then I turned around and left with my heart still beating twice the normal pace. 

Returning to the Air temples i was relieved that no one noticed i left. It would be too embarrassing and shameful to explain. Explain how Zuko, The fire prince, pushed me up against a tree and gave me butterflies. Butterflies! Ridiculous. I spent the next hour pounding, trying to understand why Zuko even affected me in the way he did. I mean yes, he was obviously attractive, but… he was a fire bender! A person I've been taught to hate since the moment of my birth. The thought about my childhood made anxiety grow like a rock in the depths of my stomach so I decided to make myself busy. I couldn't keep puzzling about this. My thoughts got cut off by loud rumbling followed by ear crushing noises, so loud the ground vibrated. Someone shot something at the temple, and by the looks of it, it was aiming for the gang. On instinct I sprinted in their direction as I saw Aang and Sokka lifting up Toph from the fountain.”Stop!”,I froze at the familiar voice. 

I turned my head so fast it made my neck burn. Up on a cliff a bit away was a huge figure next to…. Zuko. “I don't want you hurting the Avatar anymore!”. Aang groaned as he tried his best to carry Toph away from the scene. “The mission is off. I'm ordering you to stop”, Zuko struck his hands in front of the man. He was crazy, the much larger man could snap him in half. the Combustion Man. The man couldn't care less as he with ease shoved zuko out of the way and charged his eye. Another explosion, now much closer, made the entire place threaten to fall apart. If it wasn't for the small stone wall I bent over my friends, we would have been crushed by stone. 

“If you keep attacking, I won't pay you!”,Zuko cupped his hands so fire was aiming against the large man. The combustion man was starting to get annoyed as he easily docked the fire and grabbed onto Zuko’s smaller body. “Okay i'll pay you double to stop!”.

I looked over at Aang “we should move”. He nodded in agreement, peaking over the stone wall. “Okay”, he looked back with frightened eyes. “Zuko seems to be keeping him busy, move now”. My legs almost gave up under me as I stood up with Toph's body over my shoulder. I gasped as I saw Zuko get thrown off the cliff. There were so many feelings in my body it confused me. There is no way he could survive a fall like that. Worry for his life was the feeling finally taking over as I swallowed down the lump rising. But in the last second it seemed, he grasped onto a vine hanging down the cliff. “Go”, Aang yelled and I nodded swiftly. I didn't look back but I could hear the familiar woosh of Aangs air bending behind me. Before I even had time to move Toph we got thrown by a sudden explosion behind us. Lucky us, I bent the ground under us so we didn't fall. “Stay here”, I mumbled to Toph as I placed her behind a wall. She crossed her arms annoyed and nodded to her brunt feet “it's not like I have much of a choice”. As I turned around I saw the rest of our gang run towards me. They had just enough time to jump next to us before the next explosion ruined the temple. “he’s going to blast this whole place right off the cliff side!”, Toph yelled, eyes blown wide exposing her grey glazed irises. Katara took a deep breath before peeking behind the wall only to see another incoming blast. She looked back at us with pursed lips “I can't step out to waterbend at him without being blown up and I can't get a good enough angle on him from down here”. At the world angle Sokka’s entire face brightened up. I swore I could see a lightbulb over his head. “I know how to get an angle on him!”, he shouted. I looked him up and down “really? well do tell”. Sokka fumbles with his belt before taking out his boomerang. After another blast, he sneaks his head out, but has to hide from yet another shot. With his tongue out, clearly in deep concentration, he projects  Combustion Man’s angle with his boomerang. He takes a deep breath “all right buddy, don't fail me now”. With a tensed arm he aims the boomerang and then uses his whole upper body strength to send it flying. In surprise the boomerang hits the assassin in the head where his third eye tattoo is, causing him to hit the ground. Sokka’s face is priceless as he catches the boomerang “yeah boomerang!”. But then the silence is broken by the assassin's heavy body getting up, clearly a bit shaken. Sokka's face fell “Awwww, boomerang…”. this is how we die huh? There was no way a few children could take on a trained assassin. But he seemed to take care of that job himself because his next aim is completely off. He misses, his next blast hits the ground around him. The ground shakes a few times under his feet before it gives up under him, causing him to fall.  As I help Toph up the best I can Zuko appears. Aang looks hesitant at him “i can't believe i'm saying this, but….thanks, zuko”. Sokka clearly took it personally as he turned to Aang “hey! What about me? I did the boomerang thing.” I rolled my eyes at his child's demeanor. 

Zuko looked down before meeting Aang's eyes “Listen, I know I didn't explain myself very well yesterday, I've been through a lot in the last few years, and it's been hard. But I'm realizing that I had to go through all those things to learn the truth. I thought I had lost my honor, and that somehow my father could return it to me. But I know now that no one can give you your honor. It's something you earn for yourself, by choosing to do what's right. All I want to do now is play my part in ending this war, and I know my destiny is to help you restore balance to the world”. 

No one was ready for his speech, especially not me. This was a needed side of him I hadn't seen. I recognized myself in his words and I had to turn my head to  clear my mind. 

Zuko turned to Toph with shame in his eyes. “ I'm sorry for what I did to you”, he bows in her direction “It was an accident. Fire can be dangerous and wild, so as a firebender, I need to be more careful and control my bending, so I don't hurt people unintentionally”. I didn't know what to do with myself. Everything he said made sense, felt sincere. But it went against everything I had been taught. Every word, scolding, from my father. Everything he had told me. I rarely agreed with my father but when it came to the fire nation we used to be on the same page.  Aang opened his mouth to speak but closed it almost immediately. He looks in thought as if he tries to be careful with his words. He finally collected himself “I think you are supposed to be my firebending teacher. When I first tried to learn firebending, I burned Katara, and after that, I never wanted to firebend again. But now I know you understand how easy it is to hurt the people you love. I'd like you to teach me”. He then slowly bent forward, bowing respectfully to Zuko. I could see how hard he tried to keep that smile back as he bowes back “Thank you. i'm so happy you've accepted me into your group”. Aang stopped him in his words “Not so fast. I still have to ask my friends if it's okay with them.”. He turns to Toph with kind eyes “Toph, you're the one that Zuko burned. What do you think?”. Toph shrugs her shoulders. “Go ahead and let him join”, She pounds her fist into her palm jokingly “it'll give me plenty of time to get back at him for burning my feet”. I meet zuko’s eyes and mumbles under my breath “that makes two of us”. Aang turns to Sokka. Sokka shrugs in response “Hey, all I want is to defeat the fire lord. If you think this is the way to do it, then, I'm all for it”. A part of me was excited to see what Katara would say. She clearly loved Aang and trusted him with her life, but she also hated Zuko with all her spirit.  Aang slowly approached Katara. She looked Zuko up and down. Her glare is so hot I could feel Zuko's nervousness. I swore I could see sweat climbing down his forehead.  Finally she drops her walls “ I'll go along with whatever you think is right”. Relieved Aang smiles at her. He gives me a look but I understand the question. All my feelings are conflicted, but this was not my place to speak “Fine”. I look up my eyelashes “On one condition?”. Zuko noods with stiff movement. I smirk sideways “If i can joke about your scar”. The expression on Zuko’s face was hard to read. Either he was extremely offended or thought it was amusing. He gave me a sideways nod which I took as a yes. 

The gang for some reason gave me the job to show him to his room. Probably because they thought I had the least history with him. Little do they know. The walk towards the room was awkward, both of us trying to keep our distance. “Um here we are”, I nodded towards the door and he walked into the room. I glanced toward him “Um, I think it's lunch soon. So, um unpack. um”. He looks up on me and gives me a weak smile. “And”, i weightened forwards and backwards on my feet “And well, keep an eye out. Either eye  works, but for you i guess the choice is pretty obvious”. He snorted “is that the best you can do?”. I was already down the hallway “trust me Prince pretty, i'm only getting started”.

Taglist: @eridanuswave , @Whalerus, @keiko0

#atla zuko #zuko fanfic #zuko x y/n #zuko x reader #zuko x you #zuko #atla #atla fanfiction #avatar fanfiction #avatar the legend of aang #avatar the last airbender #avatar the legend of korra #sokka #toph #katara #aang

[sevenstarsinning]

Summary: Raditz loses his mate when Planet Vegeta is destroyed and finds himself working alongside Prince Vegeta. When he comes to Earth to recruit his brother, he’s dealt another devastating blow when Goku refuses to join and leaves him near death. He’s found by a human and attempts to adapt to life on Earth.

Ch. 1 - Ch. 2 - Ch. 3 - Ch. 4

Chapter 5

Morning dew coated the outside of the pod and birds chirped on the tree branch nearby. It was way too cheery for early morning. Being awake at that time usually meant you either couldn't sleep at all or woke up long before you should have.

That morning you woke up too early but it was entirely Raditz's fault and you were more than okay with that.

Sometime during the night he wrapped his tail around your waist and pulled you up to sleep on his chest. That was where you woke up and that's where you remained, listening to him purr while his body heat kept you warm. The rise and fall of his chest was like a gentle rocking putting you completely at ease. That was no easy feat and there he was making you feel safe and content without even trying.

You lifted your head up to see he was awake. It felt like a kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttered in your stomach when you realized something was different.

"You're awake... and you're still purring."

His eyes locked onto yours and the butterfly feeling spread to your chest and throat leaving you seconds from saying something you probably shouldn't say.

"I'm comfo-"

"You're beautiful," you blurted. Your eyes widened and you let out a nervous laugh.

His brow raised in surprise, mouth slightly ajar. For a moment, you expected him to push you over to your side of the pod.

Instead, he smiled and struggled to keep his eyes on yours. He was nervous and you had no idea why.

"I've been called many things but uh... that's a new one," he finally said, breaking the anxiety inducing silence between you.

"Was that a bad thing to say?" You asked, unable to hide the worry in your voice and on your face.

"No, not bad at all. Just new."

When you saw the smile that spread across his face, you realized making a complete fool of yourself in front of him didn't bother you at all. In fact, you were willing to let it happen more just to see that smile. It was like a potent dose of serotonin and you needed more.

"I think I have a solution to our housing problem," you revealed, changing the subject to avoid doing something incredibly stupid.

His tail tightened around your waist and you knew he wasn't letting you up anytime soon.

Later that day, you and Raditz embarked on your first journey away from the house together. He usually stayed back when there were errands to run or groceries to buy. He wasn't a small guy by any stretch of the imagination and walking side by side with him downtown drew the gaze of many people passing by. It wasn't just his size that made people take notice, it was also his gorgeous mane of black hair that nearly touched the ground and his bulging muscles stretching the material of his t-shirt and jeans. It was Raditz in general, all the way down to the way he carried himself and the air of confidence he seemed to be naturally gifted with.

"This is definitely the place," you said, opening the door to a white dome shaped building.

Raditz shuffled in behind you, almost filling the doorway completely. A purple haired girl with the Capsule insignia on her shirt approached.

"Welcome to the Capsule store, my name is Lynn. Is there anything I can help you find?"

Her eyes drifted over to the huge saiyan next to you. He tilted his head, curious about her. Then it struck you, Raditz had little to no experience around other humans.

"Yeah, my house was half demolished when a... plane crashed into it." You knew exactly how ridiculous it sounded but saying a space pod carrying a hot alien crash landed on your house was out of the question.

"Was it a... an alien ship?" Lynn asked, glancing up at Raditz.

"How do you know that, human?" He said, stepping closer to the much smaller human.

"My boyfriend- " Before she could finish her sentence, an alarm blared and red lights flashed overhead. The ceiling opened up but before you could see what was happening, the tail tucked under Raditz's shirt flung out and coiled around your waist, pulling you safely behind him.

"You're supposed to be dead!" A voice called out amidst the chaos.

You peeked around Raditz to see an entire row of artillery from the ceiling aimed at him. A teal haired woman standing on the other side glared, not the least bit intimidated.

"Hey, can you get the insane security to stand down, he's not going to hurt anyone," you yelled back, waving your hand.

"Is that... is that a human behind you?" The woman asked, trying to get a better view.

"Help me out, big guy, your tail won't let me go," you said. Your heart felt like it might beat out of your chest. Everything happened so fast you barely had time to react.

"And put you in harm's way? No, you stay back there, this is Kakarot's friend," Raditz growled.

"Wait... you mean Goku?" Lynn said from behind a shield that went up around her automatically.

"Raditz, calm down. They haven't attacked, we can talk to them," you whispered. It was hard to hide the panic in your voice over the predicament you found yourself in.

"Human, where is Kakarot?" Raditz asked, turning his attention to Lynn.

"Enough!" The other woman shouted. "If you promise to keep him on a leash, I'll disarm security."

"Raditz, please?" You begged, lightly scratching the back of his head to soothe him.

He let out a little growl and loosened his tail. "Fine."

The red lights retracted along with the row of weapons and disappeared into the ceiling.

"All I have to do is hit one button and those will come back out, so don't try anything," the woman said, approaching him without a trace of fear.

"I'm Bulma, I'm assuming you're the one taming the saiyan?" She stepped around him to look at you.

"Trying to," you laughed nervously. Raditz still had his tail around you, protecting you even without an immediate threat.

"Come on, let's go out back and talk. Lynn, close up and go home. Make sure Goku knows about this," Bulma said, giving out orders as she guided you and Raditz towards the back of the dome.

The back door led to a shaded patio with a row of tables and thick, beautiful foliage lining the sides to offer privacy to anyone sitting out there.

"Raditz can sit there," Bulma said, pointing at the first table, "we're going to the back table."

"No, I'm staying with her," he snapped, his tail coiling tight around your waist again.

"It's okay, big guy. I'm safe, this is like the smartest and richest woman in the world," you said, nodding towards Bulma. He eyed her wearily but relented and loosened his hold.

You gave him a reassuring smile before following her to the last table.

"Sorry about the security system in there, it's not even loaded with ammo, it's just a deterrent. What did you come in for?" Bulma asked, taking a seat at the last round white table.

"A house. His pod wrecked mine when he landed. We've actually been sort of living in his pod and it's not very roomy," you explained.

Bulma was unfazed by all of it and that piqued your curiosity.

"You've been sleeping in the pod with him? Has anything happened?" She leaned in and kept her voice low.

"Not really. It was a little rough at first but he's adjusting," you said in a hushed voice.

"That's good. He's definitely a lot less hostile than I remember." She glanced past you at Raditz. You could tell her mind was racing, sorting through the chaos that just came back into her life.

The two of you talked for a while, you filled her in on Raditz and she told you about Goku and the little bit she knew about saiyans. You were looking forward to meeting him at some point and even though it was a long shot given the history, maybe Raditz and Goku could at least talk. That could be a step towards him finding happiness on Earth.

"I'll make you deal. If you keep an eye on him and tell me if anything weird happens, I'll give you a capsule house." She said it like she was giving you a piece of cake as opposed to a whole house.

"Bulma, no. That's way too much, let me pay," you countered.

She reached in her pocket and pulled out a handful of capsules. "How many bedrooms were you thinking?"

"Just one, that's all I can really do at the moment."

She settled on a pink capsule and placed it on the table in front of you. "That's a three bedroom. It's one of the models we used for photos so it's fully furnished and you're not paying for it."

"Bulma, you don't even know me. I-"

"Your saiyan back there came to Earth to recruit Goku. The only reason he's here is because of my friend which means your house is gone because of this. It's the least we can do for you," she said, pushing the capsule closer.

"And remember, call me immediately if anything feels off with him, okay? This is a direct line to me," she said, passing a business card to you with the Capsule logo shimmering on the top left corner and a phone number scrawled across the bottom.

"At least let me pay you something for this, please?" You pleaded with her.

"Absolutely not. Just come to my next party, I’ll introduce you to Goku," she said, refusing to take no for an answer as she headed back inside the building.

On your way back to the car, Raditz remained silent. There was no good way to approach the subject of his brother. That had to be weighing on him.

"What's that place?" He finally spoke, pointing towards the small building on the other side of the road.

"It's a bar. One of my favorites actually," you replied, coming to a stop at a four way intersection.

"What's a bar?"

"A place where people usually drink strong tasting liquids that make them feel funny."

"Strong liquids?" He raised an eyebrow and sat forward just enough to see past his hair which had taken up residence between the two of you.

"We call it alcohol. It's how I ended up in that field the night I found you."

"Libations. That's what we called them."

Instead of continuing straight through the intersection, you made a quick left followed by a right and pulled into the parking lot.

You entered the old, dimly lit bar with Raditz in tow. The evening crowd was starting to trickle in.

Raditz found a table while you ordered drinks. You leaned back against the bar while you waited, watching him mess with the phone you gave him. It looked so small in his hands and he looked adorable navigating what he called primitive technology.

After very carefully walking back to your table, you sat a tray full of drinks in the middle and pulled out a chair.

A big, strong arm wrapped around your waist and the next thing you knew, you were sitting in Raditz's lap. You were already so used to cuddling with him in the pod that you didn't think anything of it.

As the day turned to night, you introduced Raditz to all of your favorite drinks and even some you didn't like just to see his reaction. Aside from trips back to the bar to order more drinks, he kept you in his lap with an arm around your waist.

He required a ton of alcohol to even get a buzz and you were content sipping and never getting totally drunk. One of you had to stay a little sober to avoid bad decisions.

"What is this one?" Raditz asked, holding up a pint glass of blue liquid.

"That is your last drink of the night, big guy." You grabbed it and took a quick sip before handing it back.

"It's called... last drink of the night?" He stared at the glass, confused by the weird name.

"It's called an Adios Motherfucker."

"Say that again but... slower," he said with a big goofy smile. Drunk Raditz wasn't too different from the sober version. The thing you noticed the most was the sadness in his eyes. You watched it slowly fade until it was gone completely. His smiles lit up his entire face and he laughed louder.

"Can I have another one of these?" He asked, holding up his empty glass.

"Dude, I've already had to drag you to my house once, we're not doing that again," you chided.

"Human... sweetheart- just one?" He stuck out his bottom lip and pouted.

"Human sweetheart. That's a new one," you laughed, shaking your head at how ridiculously cute he was.

You relented and bought him one more drink. The expensive bar tab made you feel sick but it was worth every penny to see him finally shed the darkness that enveloped him. Even if it was only for a night.

As soon as the chilly night air hit your face, you regretted not bringing a jacket.

"Saiyan, give me your warmth," you said, ducking underneath his massive arm.

"We not driving?" He asked, lifting you into his arms like a child.

"I've had one too many drinks." You buried your face against his neck and settled in for the walk home. Luckily it wasn't far and you liked getting carried by Raditz, especially with his hands on your ass to hold you up.

"You smell good," he said in a sleepy voice as you neared your half destroyed house.

"You can still smell my perfume? I figured that would've faded by now."

"No... not that," he muttered, burying his face against your neck to sniff you. If it was anyone else, you probably would've freaked out.

"Your scent, the normal one."

You pulled back and smiled. “Wait, do you have some kind of heightened sense of smell that I don’t know about?”

“Yeah, it’s a saiyan thing. We can pick up on scents and changes in scents we’re familiar with. Particularly with females we’re close to or want to be close to.”

He crossed the lawn to the backyard and lowered you to the ground. “How does this capsule thing work?”

You pulled it from your pocket, clicked the small button and tossed it approximately where you wanted your new house to be.

“Holy shit, Bulma,” you said in awe of the beautiful house she gave you. It was far too much and you were already trying to figure out ways to pay her back. You and Raditz explored the house briefly before calling it a night, exhausted from the day.

You tossed and turned even though the new bed was the most comfortable thing you had ever laid on. The temperature in the room was perfect and it was dark enough, but something still wasn't right.

You knew what it was but you didn't want to acknowledge it. Lines had already been crossed on multiple levels with your unexpected roommate. You shared the pod out of necessity, nothing more.

Minutes ticked by and you only seemed to get less sleepy. You finally got annoyed enough to get out of bed and go to the living room, but you didn't make it there. You ran straight into a wall of saiyan at the end of the hallway.

"Holy shit! What the hell are you doing out here?" You stepped back and saw him carrying a glass of water.

"I can't sleep so I got a glass of water. That a crime, you tiny pain in the ass?" He asked with a little smirk.

"No, it's not a crime, you giant pain in the ass," you said in a mocking tone.

"Can I sleep with you?"

You knew he meant actual sleep, but your brain processed it in a different way entirely and it left your panties wet.

"Sure," you said, against your better judgement.

He followed you back to your room and walked around to the other side of the bed while you got back under the covers on your side. He laid down and turned on his side to face you.

"Bedroom not comfy enough?" You asked, scooting closer to him. He draped his arm over you and started to fade right away.

"Not that... just didn't have you," he said before drifting off to sleep.

You were wide awake until he started purring, head rested against your shoulder. It didn't matter how much you tried to fight off the feelings you were having for him, they weren't going away. The last thought you had before you finally fell asleep was the realization that you needed Raditz by your side to fall asleep.

A loud crash outside made the entire house shake. Raditz was up in the blink of an eye checking the window to see what it was. His tail fluffed up and moved wildly behind him.

You scrambled out of bed to look for yourself but there was nothing, just the backyard.

"What's wrong, big guy? Are you seeing something I'm not?"

"I need you to stay behind me and if anything happens to me, run," he said, effectively scaring the hell out of you.

"What? You can't just say that with no explanation! What's going on?" Your anxiety skyrocketed as he moved past you to head towards the living room.

"Raditz- "

"Behind me," he snapped.

Before you could protest, the front door was kicked completely off the hinges and left in a mangled heap on the floor. A tall, muscular guy with short, spiky black hair walked in. One eye was covered with some kind of device you had never seen.

"This is what you've been doing, huh? There's something incredibly wrong about a domesticated Saiyan," the man said with a cocky grin.

A shorter man stepped in behind him, black hair shooting towards the sky like small spires. He also had the same device covering one of his eyes and he somehow looked even more intimidating than the bigger one.

"Prince Vegeta, Turles," Raditz said, giving them each a nod.

#raditz x reader #raditz #let you go fic #supremeleadershitlord

[gerberbabey]

sad saturdays | kiara carrera

2nd part of cocaine. this goes out to that one anon. 

masterlist | cocaine series : 1 | 3 

summary: Kie spends her Saturday inside. 

warnings: more of that gay shit, im high so the writing is bad (well the writings always bad), angst, cursing, mentions of depression, more of me being collectively obsessed w both Euphoria and Outerbanks

♫ Sad Saturdays by JOBA ♫

Kie wondered if perhaps she should call 911. Her chest was hurting so much that she was so sure it was a heart attack. She’d even stayed up at 3 AM  googling everything she was feeling and what it could possibly mean but she only ended up self-diagnosing herself with cancer. It probably wasn’t cancer.

“Kie...sweetheart?” her mom stood at her doorway. 

Kie hummed from where she was buried under her covers. 

“Baby, do you need anything?” 

“Mmmno...”

Kie waited for her door to shut before she peaked over her shoulder to see if her mom had actually left. Seeing that the woman was gone, Kie sighed and turned over to lay on her back. She tried to think about the last time she felt this terrible. Physically she was probably fine, she’d felt worse before (the pain in her chest really wasn’t the worst of it). Emotionally and mentally? That one was kind of hard to pinpoint. 

Her generation was practically founded on not being the mentally strongest. As fucked up as that sounded, considering how depressing shit was because of the older generation, she thought she was pretty justified in her thinking. She didn’t want to think too hard about it. 

“Fuck....” she mumbled as she felt her lip quiver. 

Kie sucked in her cheeks and tried to blink away the tears gathering at her eyes. 

She’d been in bed for 3 days now. Meaning it’s been 3 days since she kissed you and ran. Kie instructed her mom that if anyone came around she didn’t want to see them. Kie’s mom was reluctant of course, she didn’t want her daughter isolating herself willingly when she knew that being alone was something she’d struggled with before. But she followed her daughter’s wishes. 

Even if that meant turning you away more than once in the past three days. __________________

“Sexuality is a spectrum. It’s not like anyone’s 100% straight or 100% gay.” 

Kie made a face as she laid her head against your shoulder. The two of you had started binge-watching Euphoria as soon as all the episodes had gotten released and it was now 3 am and the two of you were well into the show. 

“There are people who are definitely 100% gay,” Kie argued and you hummed in response, trying to pay attention to both her and the show, “One of my cousins is 100% gay. Women do not and could not ever do it for him.” 

You paused the show as you realized you couldn’t multitask in this situation. 

“I don’t think she even really realizes what she’s saying Kie,” you explained once you noticed how bothered Kie seemed to be by the line. Kie didn’t even really understand it herself but she was heated. Kie wasn’t really one for staying in and watching shows. If anything your entire friend group tended to not stay in and do stuff like that. You and the boys didn’t really have subscriptions to streaming services (sometimes you didn’t even have working cable to watch TV) yet you had seen the trailers for the show and had insisted that the two of you watch it. Kie couldn’t really say no to you. 

“I don’t know, for a show that’s representing so much, that seems really out of place. I don’t know what the writers were thinking.”

“I mean Maddy’s a character who’s just trying to calm her aggressive abusive boyfriend down. I don’t think she herself understands what “Sexuality is a spectrum’ means. I don’t think the writers are putting it off as anything bad.” 

Kie could feel herself calming down as you spoke to her. You had that weird effect on her. 

“Do you get what it means?” the question came out before she could even really think about it and Kie felt her chest tighten up in instant regret.

As open as the Pogues were with one another, it was just different when it came down to deep shit. JJ despised talking about his dad, Pope rarely opened up about his anxiety and the pressure he felt, the topic of Kie’s year at the Kook academy wasn’t even an option, John B denied any negativity on the topic of his father, and you avoided even saying the words “mom” or “dad” when it came to your own parents.

The topic of sexuality wasn’t exactly a common conversation topic. 

Kie wasn’t sure what she was afraid of. Would you connect the question back to her sexuality? Would that connection reveal her feelings for you? Would you scoff at the idea of believing Kie loved you?

She knew that she wasn’t afraid of any type of homophobia. Especially not from you. 

“Yeah I mean remember when Kat was explaining it to her. She said at the end of each spectrum is gay and straight. Maddy probably just understood wrong cus her boyfriend’s an asshole. But yeah like sexuality is a spectrum,” Kie blinked at that, “I mean like I’ve never dated a girl but I’m not on the 100% straight part of the spectrum. If being gay was a choice, I wouldn’t like men at all.”

Kie didn’t really accomplish much that night. You were still opposed to the idea of love. You still didn’t know about her feelings. Nothing had really changed. 

But that night, Kie felt happier than she had in a while. 

________

Kie recalled the episode of Euphoria where Rue had gone through a depressive episode and it led to a kidney infection. Kie was terrified of the idea as a whole and had forced herself to get up and use the bathroom. 

Pushing the bathroom door open she dragged her feet as she made her trek back to her room. It was at the most a few feet but damn did it make her tired. Her head felt heavy on her shoulders and her body ached. She wouldn’t be surprised if she’d somehow caught a fever in the midst of all of this. She’d forced her body through an entirely different routine for the past three days. 

“Jesus Kie.”

Kie jumped at that and nearly screamed at the sight of JJ. 

“Shit! JJ what the hell are you doing here?! You scared the fuck out of me!” 

“Sorry jeez,” JJ put his hands up in defense, “We were worried and your mom wasn’t letting anyone see you so I snuck in through your back door,” JJ’s casual way of speaking left Kie speechless.

“What the fuck JJ....Don’t you have like work? Or something better to do on a Saturday than break into my house?” 

“Well I have today off actually. John B and Pope are both working and (Y/N)’s sick too so I don’t-”

“Wait what?” Kie backtracked for a moment, “(Y/N)’s sick?” 

“Yeah I mean I don’t know-”

“How do you not know JJ!” 

“I just-I don’t know, (Y/N) just said she was sick, why are you yelling at me?!”

Kie pressed her hands to her face in frustration. Even when you weren’t around her you were still somehow affecting her emotionally. 

“JJ I really cannot have you here right now ok, I need you to go,” Kie motioned to her door but JJ wasn’t having it. Kie hadn’t spoken to any of them in the past 3 days and he knew it had something to do with you. You weren’t telling him anything either but he was more observant than you thought. You had fallen off the face of the earth at the exact same time as Kie and the only time you responded to any of his texts was when you were telling him you couldn’t hang out with the Pogues because you needed to check on Kie. 

“No ok I’m not dumb, did something happen between you and (Y/N)? Are you two fighting or something?”

“No JJ-”

“Then what? Did someone break the fucking girl code?”

“NO!”

“Did she hook up with a guy you called dibs on-”

“I KISSED HER!” 

Kie sucked in a breath as she and JJ looked at each other in the eye. The shock was clear on his expression.

“I kissed (Y/N)...because,” Kie’s shoulders shook, “Because I love her. But she-she won’t love me back.”

“What...you don’t know that Kie,” JJ tried to soothe as Kie began to sob, her hands shaking. 

“I do, ok, I do know. (Y/N) has been...hurt so much, and I wish I could help her fucking love again, as cheesy as that sounds, but she has been pretty straightforward about how she feels about crap like that.”

JJ clenched his jaw and fidgeted with his hands. He was completely out of his element in this type of situation. He wasn’t exactly the best example of anything that regarded relationships or even opening up about feelings and here was his best friend venting to him about his other best friend. If he was being completely honest he thought he was going to have this conversation with Pope about Kie, not Kie about you. 

“I love her JJ...” Kie sobbed and JJ licked his lips then his eyes and attention flickered off to the side at the sight of movement. 

Kie turned at that and back into her room and nearly into JJ at the sight of you standing in her doorway. 

You bit at your cheek as you looked at the two of them. 

“Hey Kie....” 

part 3? 

#kiara carrera x reader #kie carrera x reader #kie x reader #outerbanks imagine #kiara carrera #obx imagine #outerbanks #fem!reader #f/f imagine #gaaay #euphoria references #the #sexuality is a spectrum #scene #jj maybank #pope heyward #john b routledge #madison bailey #x reader #reader insert #imagine #romance fic #angst fic #this is literally terrible HAH #outerbanks fanfiction #outerbanks fanfic #outer banks imagine #outer banks #outer banks fic #outer banks romance

[kindofcashton]

𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕕  •  chapter 18  (Calum Hood AU)

IT TOOK AWHILE for the shock to subside before I could even think of moving.  I stayed rooted to the spot, gazing out at where Calum had disappeared and left me behind.  The sun was finally gone from the sky, bathing me in a cool darkness that made me shudder.  I kept hoping to see the headlights of a familiar red mustang approach, willing him to come back to me.  But as the seconds dragged on, I knew this hope was futile.

Scrambling for my phone, I called an uber and hugged my knees to my chest as I waited on a bench.  My mind was oddly empty, despite what had just happened.  I suppose I was numb to Calum’s betrayals at this point; his leaving me in the dust was hardly a surprise.

With my head in my hands, I didn’t even hear the uber pull up until the driver rolled down the window and hollered, “Hey!  I’m here!”

Throwing myself into the backseat, I mumbled a faint greeting and closed my eyes.  The driver clearly thought I was a mess, and he thankfully stayed quiet for the entire ride.  My head tilted against the cool glass window, and I felt nausea rise in my stomach.  Everything from my heart to my head to my stomach was hurting; Calum inflicted full-body pain.  I couldn’t imagine walking through the front door, what fury waited for me at home.  Surely he’d yell some more, insult me until he was blue in the face.  And I would take it, because I knew I was putty in his hands.  One kiss would make me forget all about the pain I felt now.

I was surprised to see the driveway empty of his mustang when I finally arrived home.  It shouldn’t have been a shock that he didn’t come home, but for some reason I was crushed by disappointment.  Yet again I had unrealistic expectations about Calum.  I half-expected him to be waiting on the front porch for me, ready to bare his soul in an apology.

No one was waiting for me, and I entered the dark house alone.

Everyone was asleep, so no one would realize the destruction that occurred tonight.  I refused to let my thoughts wander as I showered and got ready for bed, bile rising in my throat when I glanced into Calum’s empty room.  My head hit the pillow, but I knew I would not be sleeping tonight.  Anxiety gnawed at me, making me think up a million scenarios of where Calum was right now.  Asleep in his car on the side of the road?  Hunched over a bar, drowning his sorrows in whiskey?  Or was he in another girl’s bed, kissing her lips and feeling her skin and giving her his heart?

Needless to say, it was a fitful night’s sleep.  The next morning I must have looked particularly awful, because Luke asked what had happened to me.  I truncated the truth, explaining that Calum and I got in an argument and he ditched me after we got dinner.  Luke was angry at Calum for abandoning me, but I just waved his sympathy off.

“It’s fine, really.  He’s so hot and cold, I shouldn’t have been so surprised.”  I absent-mindedly stirred my coffee, still feeling queasy.

Michael had joined the conversation a few minutes before, and shook his head firmly now.  “No, it’s not.  He can’t just leave you on the side of the street.  What did you guys argue about anyway?”

I bit my lip, unprepared with an excuse.  “Er...something stupid.”  A thought crossed my mind, and I added, “I asked if he wanted dinner and he freaked out and thought it was a date.  I guess even after dinner he was still being weird about us being together, which we definitely are not.”  I felt satisfied with this, since it wasn’t exactly a lie.  Half-truths seemed to be my strong suit lately.

Luke frowned.  “Do you think he secretly wants to be together and was just trying to cover it up?”

I almost laughed; after the blowout, I knew Calum definitely did not want to be with me, but this was a nice sentiment.  “Maybe,” I answered with a shrug.  “I never know what he’s thinking.”

Michael snorted.  “None of us do, Scar.  We just roll with the punches.”

I feigned a smile, connecting my gaze with Hannah who was overhearing our conversation in the living room.  Her frown told me she knew there was more to the story than I’d said, but she knew better than to confront me in front of the guys.

The rest of the day was business as usual.  I had a shift at work, then a phone call with the community college about my admission.  Hannah and I dialed up a movie and ordered pizza when the guys went over to Ashton’s for the night, and so the two of us had a girl’s evening.  Hannah didn’t pry about Calum, but I did admit to her the fight was much more serious.  She told me not to worry, he always did this, but it didn’t ease my anxieties.

When I woke up the next morning, Calum was still missing.  No one had heard from him, and all their calls went straight to voicemail.  The guys didn’t seem nearly as worried as I was, but I forced these feelings down.  It’s fine, Scarlett.  Besides, he doesn’t deserve your attention.  For the rest of the day I forced him out of my mind, distracting myself with work and shopping with Hannah.  Luke and I ran errands after dinner, and I was grateful for his quiet, steady friendship.  Listening to him tell stories about work made me wonder what it would be like to be with a guy like him as opposed to Calum.  Luke was kind and open and incredibly understanding.  Calum was mean and closed off and impatient.  I still saw Luke as just a friend, but for a minute I let myself imagine a different guy who would actually treat me right.

The end of the second day came, and still no sign of Calum.  I knew when I woke up on the third day he’d still be AWOL, and my suspicions were proved correct at breakfast.

“All of his shit is here, he has to come back,” Ashton insisted, joining us for pancakes and waffles that Hannah made.  It was a lazy weekend day, none of us having work and deciding to get together for an extravagant breakfast.  As I tore at my pancakes with my fork rather than eat them, I tried to believe Ashton.  Calum would come back.  He’d have to.  And when he did, I could confront him and get some answers.  Until then, worrying was pointless.

But the pit of nerves inside me only deepened as the hours passed.  I faked plenty of smiles and forced a lot of laughs, but still I couldn’t banish the panic I felt.  More than that, I missed Calum.  Spending every night with someone had felt so good, and suddenly my bed was cold and empty and I yearned for his warmth.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come?” Hannah asked again.  She and the guys decided to catch a late movie, and I declined their offer to come.  I felt physically sick with worry, and played it off like the pancakes that morning had me nauseous.

“No, I’m alright,” I told her.  “I don’t feel well, so I would hate to ruin the movie.”  I doubted Hannah believed me, but I knew she wouldn’t nag me any further.  I just needed a night to stew and hopefully get over myself.  

“Okay,” she said gravely, clearly unconvinced.  “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

I rolled my eyes, attempting humor.  “Yes, mom.”  She laughed and waved goodbye, and when the front door shut I was finally alone.

It turns out, isolation doesn’t do much to help with stress.  I could barely pay attention to the TV, and I was so queasy I didn’t even want to make dinner.  I just laid on the couch, watching shapes move on the screen but hearing nothing but a gentle droning in my mind.  It would be a long night.

At least that’s what I thought.  Maybe an hour after the others had left, I heard the door open with a bang.  Shooting up off the couch, I heard the stomping of a very disoriented person as they tried to close the door.

“Shit,” the person murmured, and my heart lurched; it was Calum.  Slowly making my way over, I folded my arms and prepared myself.

It was Calum.  He wore the same clothes as he had on the last time I saw him, but they were considerably more wrinkled and dirty looking.  His hair was a mess, and his eyes glinted wildly in the dark.  His staggered movements and overwhelming stench told me he was drunk.  Finally he got the door shut and leaned against it, exhausted from the effort.  His inebriated eyes found mine, swimming with alcohol.  I swallowed roughly, the nausea coming on again.

“Scarlett,” he slurred, raising his hands.  I saw a beer bottle in one of them, sloshing with dark liquid.  Calum’s gaze was shifty, and he struggled to stay standing.  He stumbled forward as if to embrace me, and I stepped back.  He saw this and pouted, swinging his arms out.  “What’re you doing, baby?  Didn’t you miss me?”

At that moment, the nausea and anxiety transformed into stone cold fury.  I set my jaw, glaring at him.  “Where the hell were you?” I demanded.  “It’s been three days, Calum.”

“Pssh, relax,” he chuckled, hiccuping.  “I just...wanted to have some fun.  You’re so wound-up and annoying, so I needed a break.”  I ignored his cruel words and closed my eyes, willing my breathing to relax.  Calum knew exactly how to work me up in the worst way.

“You reek,” I criticized.  “Go take a shower.”  Not wanting to be under his scrutinizing gaze any longer, I stormed up the stairs.  But he was hot on my heels, and I felt his warm breath hit my neck as I fled. 

Attempting to lock myself in my room, I turned to see Calum blocking my door.  “Why’re you so mad,” he slurred, eyes rolling.  “’S not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” I cried.  “You were missing for three days!  No one could get a hold of you!  None of us knew if you were alive or dead, Calum!”  I was furious at myself for reacting this way, but I was more furious at him for brushing it off.  He deserved to suffer after making me worry so much.

Calum didn’t reply to my yelling, only slumped against the door and took a swig of beer.  He finished the bottle and tossed it out into the hallway, exhaling loudly.  

Scowling, I tried to push him towards the bathroom.  “Come on, you need a shower.”  It took a lot of effort to lead him away from my room, and I finally sat him down on the toilet seat.  Flicking on the light and closing the door, I started the shower.  Calum watched my movements as I tested the temperature and adjusted the spout.  Crossing my arms, I gestured for him to get up.

“You seriously stink worse than a brewery.  I’m not talking to you until you shower.”  I didn’t even know if he wanted to talk, but he didn’t react when I brought it up which I guess was a good sign. 

Sighing, Calum closed his eyes against the harsh ceiling light and leaned back, kicking off his shoes but not moving to take off his shirt or jeans.

His head hitting the wall, Calum’s expression was suddenly very raw and vulnerable.  He looked broken, like a little boy rather than a grown man.  “It’s my dad,” he murmured, so quietly I almost missed it.  “He’s back, and they want me to see him.”  The bitterness in his voice hurt my heart; I couldn’t imagine the pain of learning someone he’d despised for so long was back in his family’s life.

He got angry all of a sudden, brows furrowing in fury.  “That’s not even all of it.  He’s been back for years.  My mother has known where he’s been for years, and only now do those bastards tell me.  I mean...what the fuck?”  He gripped at his curly hair, pulling it out of frustration.  His muscles were tense, and I hesitated before approaching.  He was like a wounded lion; pitiful and sad, but still capable of ripping me to shreds.

I knelt before him, resting my hand on his thigh.  Calum kept his face covered with his fists, breathing hard.  I breathed out a sigh, unsure of what to say.  “Showering will make you feel better,” I settled on, voice soft.  “Come on, get these dirty clothes off.”  I felt like a mother helping a little child, and a pang of hurt struck me when I wondered if Calum ever had anyone care for him like this before.

Gently, I helped him lift his arms so I could remove his shirt.  Being so close to him made me dizzy, and it was especially painful considering how drunk and angry he was at the world.  Calum might have made a lot of mistakes, but his life certainly didn’t make things easy.  I felt waves of pain rolling off of him, and as they absorbed into me I had to fight tears out of my eyes.

I tossed his soiled shirt to the floor, throat drying at the sight of his bare torso.  His eyes were glazed and looking at the floor, so I slowly grabbed his arm to make him stand.  Calum was like a zombie when I undid his belt, holding my breath as I slid his jeans down.  Undressing was such an intimate act, and I’d done it a dozen times with him before.  But this time, removing his clothes gave me no gratification.  Every inch of skin revealed was just more pain, and I stood up at last when he was only in his boxers.

“I think you can handle the rest,” I whispered, preparing to leave him in the bathroom.  As I turned I felt him grab my arm, his hand warm and firm.  Gasping, he pulled me to face him.

“Don’t go,” Calum begged under his breath, pulling me to his bare chest.  He reeked of alcohol and swayed with intoxication.  He’s drunk, that’s why he wants you, I reminded myself, tears pricking at my eyes.

“Calum--”

“No,” he interjected, holding me tight.  His forehead dropped to my own, our eyes closing as our breathing synced.  “Stay.  Stay with me.”

Lips parting, I gazed up at his desperate and pleading eyes, knowing full well I could not resist him.  So instead of fighting, I pulled my own shirt over my head, never breaking our gaze.  He watched me undress, expression full of emotion as I stripped down to my underwear.  He went to take off his boxers, and I unclasped my bra.

The shower was hot and steaming.  A waterfall of droplets fell onto Calum’s head, wetting his skin and only dampening me slightly.  I watched as water beads slid down his chest, making his skin glisten.  He held me in his arms and pulled me into his wet body, flipping us so the water streamed over me now.  Leaning my head back, I let the rainfall cascade over my face and neck, wetting my hair and leaving crystals of moisture all over me.

Calum’s warm hands slid up and down my body, grazing over my breasts and my hips until he settled on my waist, tilting his head down to capture my lips with his own.  This kiss was incredibly different from the others we’d shared; his lips were earnest and gentle, the usual fiery passion now a lulled heat.  Soft fingers rested on my cheeks, and I pushed my own through his wet curls.  I felt him harden against my thigh, and he leaned back to press his lips to my jaw.  I closed my eyes, relishing the wet heat as he dragged down my neck, biting lightly and causing a moan to rise from my mouth.

His strong body pushed me against the shower wall, and naturally my leg lifted to wrap around his waist.  This caused my center to spread, and I felt his cock slide against my heat deliciously.

I was breathing hard as Calum sucked on my neck, hands splayed out across his wide back as I pulled him closer to me.  One of his hands rested by my head on the wall, the other sliding over my abdomen until he reached where I was aching for him.  I felt his palm slide across my core, collecting the moisture there and letting it mingle with the shower water.  Moaning, I gripped his hair tighter and sloppily kissed his ear, breathing statically with each move of his hand.

His fingers dipped and circled in my folds, finding my clit and pressing on the sensitive bundle of nerves.  My hips bucked into his, and I moved my own hands lower so I could reach him.  As he worked my clit, I found his cock and slid a wet hand along his shaft, causing his breath to hitch.

“Oh, Scarlett,” he groaned, the words like music to my ears.  I worked his length slowly, running my fingers over his swollen tip and feeling him twitch in my palm.  As we pleasured each other, our moans twined together and our lips fumbled in a kiss.  I was close to my edge, and judging from how stiff he was I knew Calum was as well.

The fact that we didn’t have a condom flitted across my mind, and I leaned back to connect my eyes with his.  But what I saw there took my breath away; Calum was looking at me like he never had before.  Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the steam from the shower, but I swore he was looking at me like I created the whole world.

Exhaling softly, I reconnected our lips, forgetting my inhibitions and wanting only to feel him inside of me.  He understood my unspoken desire perfectly, lining up with my entrance.  I felt his tip press into me, and almost cried out from the teasing feeling.

Hooking an arm around his neck, I tilted my hips forward so he pressed in even more, causing my eyes to roll back.  Calum got the hint, and with one flick of his hips he was inside of me.

I would never get used to the feeling of him.  The stretch was unlike any I’d ever experienced, his body fitting with mine like a puzzle piece.  The angle was entirely new since we were standing in the shower, and as he slid out of me I braced for the feeling of reentry.  Sure enough, when he rocked back inside I felt fireworks of pleasure explode inside my body.  Somehow he was hitting even deeper than when we were in bed, and I had to hold on for him for support as he thrusted.

“God, shit,” I cried out, sucking on his ear while he snapped his hips up inside of me.  I was barely staying vertical, the feeling too overwhelming as my knees buckled.  Calum’s strong hands wrapped under my bum, lifting me up so he could thrust harder and my body weight was pushed against the wall.  I wrapped my legs around him, inviting him deeper inside of me.

Without the layer of a condom between us, I could really feel him.  Somehow I felt closer to him this way, truly connected.  No barriers were in the way, and feeling him slide against my walls was a euphoria I would surely become addicted to.

Wet skin rubbed against wet skin, and my nails grazed down the wide expanse of his back.  Calum’s breath washed over my face, his lips parted and eyes closed in bliss.  I let the pure sensations take over, my mind clear of anything except the pleasure he was giving me.

I was nearing my end as his thrusts increased, and my breasts pushed into his chest as I panted.  Calum gripped my ass harder, pushing faster and deeper to deliver us both to our orgasms.  One last thrust hit just the right spot, and a tight ball of pleasure evaporated into sizzling bliss that soaked through every inch of my body.  Just when Calum neared his end he pulled out of me, letting the spurt of white liquid land on my abdomen.  His moans of ecstasy filled my ears, and I clasped his wet body to mine.

We both took a minute to come down from our highs, and finally I opened my eyes to meet his.  Calum gently let my feet hit the floor, and I used my hands to steady myself against him.  Gazing down at me, Calum pushed a lock of wet hair behind my ear.

Wordlessly, I grabbed the soap and began sliding it across his torso.  Calum watched silently as I cleaned him, washing away his pain and letting it spin down the drain.  Next was the shampoo, and I ran my fingers through his curls with a frown.  Calum kissed my down-turned lips, just a light ghosting of contact, and it eased some of the tension in my shoulders.

We washed each other in the scalding water until we stood clean and rejuvenated.  I couldn’t tell if Calum was still drunk, but his expression was definitely clearer than it had been before.  I didn’t know how I felt about what just happened; on the one hand, Calum and I were never closer or more open with one another than when we were having sex.  On the other, if his drunken haze was the only reason he wanted to do it, then it was meaningless.

Refusing to dwell, I stepped out of the shower after switching off the water.  Wrapping myself in a towel, I padded out of the bathroom, thinking that this was it.  But Calum only went to his room for fresh clothes before joining me in mine.  I was unsure how to feel about this; secretly I was overjoyed, but outwardly I remained stoic.  I pulled on a pair of panties and was about to find a shirt when Calum gave me one of his.  Avoiding his eyes, I pulled it over my head.

He wore only a pair of sweatpants, and my legs were bare save for the underwear.  Tentatively, I slid into bed and pulled the covers tightly over myself.  Sensing my trepidation, Calum hesitated before joining me.  Naturally, of course, our bodies moved towards each other until I was laying in his arms, curled against his chest and relishing the gentle stroking of his hand on my back.

We must have laid there forever before either of us spoke.  I didn’t know if I actually wanted to confront him, or if it was time to distance myself and let him go.  But then the sound of his broken voice and the sight of his pain-filled eyes flashed through my brain, and I sighed.  I couldn’t let go of Calum if I tried.

Twisting my neck to look at his face, I said softly, “So what are you going to do?”  About your dad, I wanted to add, but I knew he understood my meaning.  Saying those particular words out loud would’ve hurt even more.

Calum took a deep breath, chest rising underneath my cheek.  I curled my fingers around his bicep, worried he was going to flee.  But he merely shrugged, eyes staring at some point in the wall.

“Nothing,” came his simple answer.  “I don’t want anything to do with them.”

This is what I expected.  I didn’t blame Calum for resenting his parents, especially after years of lying to him, but a small part of me still wished he’d see them.  It was the part that longed for my own parents, the part that missed them every single day.  I would give anything for one last chance to be with them.

“I understand that,” I began slowly, praying Calum wouldn’t react angrily to my suggestion.  “You have every right to be mad.  But...my parents are dead, and I wish I had one last chance to talk to them.  I know it’s hard, but what’s harder is living without them.  And it would be nearly impossible to live with yourself if something happened to them and you had turned down an opportunity to make amends.”

While the words hung in the air, I held my breath.  This was the only attempt I planned to make in order to sway Calum; if he refused even after hearing this, then I’d give up.  Changing his mind was an impossible task.

Calum’s arm tightened around me.  A gentle kiss was placed on the top of my head, and I knew this was his way of comforting me.  He’d never outwardly give me pity over my dead parents, but gestures like these showed me he was there for me.  I nestled deeper into his embrace, drinking in the smell of his skin.

I thought the conversation was over, because a long stretch of time went by.  I was on the verge of sleep when Calum’s voice rumbled softly, “Fine.”

Glancing up at him, I knitted my brows in confusion.  “Fine?”

His brown eyes were conceding, for once in his life.  “I’ll go.  But only if you come with me.”

A small gasp left my lips.  This was yet another instance of Calum claiming he needed me.  I felt a flutter of hope in my chest, the first one in so long.  Biting my lip, I ran a nervous hand through my damp hair.

“I don’t know, Calum.  They’re your family, and I don’t want to pry or overstep--”

“No,” he stopped me, caressing my face with his hand.  I melted into his touch, unraveling under his fingers.  “I can’t face them if you’re not there.  I need you.”

My heart skipped a beat at the familiar words, but I kept my face neutral.  Nodding, I responded, “Okay, I’ll go with you.”  Once the words left my lips he pulled me in for a kiss.  I happily obliged, savoring the taste I had started to forget over the last three days.  His arms were wrapped tightly around me, holding on to me as if for dear life, but he didn’t need to worry.  I wasn’t going anywhere.

#5sos #5sos imagine #5sos smut #5sos fanfic #5 seconds of summer #Calm #calum hood #calum 5sos #calum hood imagine #calum hood fanfiction #calum hood smut #masterlist #ashton irwin #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin fanfiction #ashton irwin smut #michael clifford #michael clifford imagine #michael clifford fanfiction #michael clifford smut #luke hemmings #luke hemmings fanfiction #luke hemmings smut #luke hemming imagines #Youngblood #SOUNDS GOOD FEELS GOOD

[terrifyingstories1]

some thoughts about bi!elena because i’ve never really put them into words before: 

it’s not something she realized until she was around fifteen or sixteen, and even then it wasn’t a fully formed, processed thought.

with mystic falls being a very conservative / heterormative town, especially during the time elena would’ve been grappling with these feelings and trying to understand them, elena didn’t have a lot of exposure to the lgbt+ community or access to lgbt+ resources. it led to her ~rationalizing her feelings about girls rather than facing and working through them (it was easy to think she just had ~girl crushes or was simply admiring another girl’s features because that was more ~normal and acceptable whereas genuinely experiencing attraction to women and being interested in them... wasn’t)

i don’t think elena acts on her feelings until after her parents die. after the accident, elena turns in on herself, withdrawing from everyone. she notes in season six that she pulled away from jeremy and jenna afterward, and i believe that’s true. when school rolls around, elena decides it’s time to pull herself together and focus on returning to pre accident elena and helping her brother and jenna cope with their new lives and puts on a good front of being okay / adjusted even though she’s still dealing with depression and ptsd from the accident, but elena can’t really do this initially. she’s too depressed to care to, and so she doesn’t. she overcompensates a lot with jeremy in the first season because of that – feeling guilty for having been too lost in her own grief to pay close attention to his and see how troubled he was, even though jeremy himself says he felt more connected to her (less alone) then because it felt like she was going through the same thing he was – as opposed to season one, where it seemed like elena was getting better and he... wasn’t. 

after the accident, elena is angry and bitter and distant. though her partying is less noticeable than jeremy’s, she does fall into that same habit of drinking to cope. i think it’s very likely that her first real kiss with a girl happens during this time – she’s so flooded with grief and so depressed that she can’t care about upholding that perfect pristine good girl image. she wants to feel numb, and what do drunk kisses really mean anyway? 

my own personal headcanon is that this happened with caroline who i also write, who had feelings for her at the time and was working through her own sexuality, and this resulted in a lot of the distance and tension we see between them in season one. i’ll talk about this more when i write something up about care’s sexuality, but obviously if you write caroline you can 100% disregard this! it just felt right to me. 

this is an eye opener for elena. it makes her attraction to women real in a way she can’t ignore, but i don’t think she’s able to really deal with it yet. she’s still depressed and grieving and that’s about all she can handle, but i do think that once school starts again and she’s in a better place, she’s able to confront it more. 

she comes out to jenna first. because of the pressure elena’s always felt to be miranda and grayson’s perfect daughter and as the ideals elena was raised with were so heteronormative, i think even if miranda or grayson were alive, jenna would still be the person she felt safest having this conversation with. jenna, while loved by miranda and grayson, was always looked down on for being ~different / not really living up to what was expected of a respected family in mystic falls, and she and elena, especially after the accident, have more of a sister relationship than that of a parent and child or aunt and niece. they also both can relate to having this idealized memory of miranda and wanting and struggling to live up to that. jenna helps her work through this more, and elena is finally able to acknowledge her attraction to women as a part of herself. 

she still has some internalized homophobia to work through, though. this is largely because of her desperation to make her parents proud and be the person they wanted her to be. she grew up with an idea of what her future was supposed to look like, who she was supposed to marry, etc, and letting go of that is difficult. as she’s grappling with being in love with stefan, a vampire, and what that means for her / their future, she’s also dealing with how being a bisexual woman factors into that as well. she knows miranda and grayson loved her, but she still struggles with all of these parts of her life that don’t align with what they would have wanted for her – her association with vampires, her sexuality, etc. and because of everything that’s going on, i don’t know if she ever really... has the time to completely work through this? it gets buried because there are More Important things going on... like vampires trying to kill her... but it’s always There under the surface and will continue to be a problem for her and contribute to her depression and anxiety until she confronts it head on. 

i don’t think she minds her friends or family knowing that she’s bi, but i think it does remain a very private thing for her – at least in mystic falls. i think once she goes to college she’s able to be more open about it, but i think... she’s reluctant to be out and proud in mystic falls because of the stigma around it and the large impact her parents have on the town even though they’re gone. even though logically she knows there’s nothing wrong with her for being bi, she still gets anxious about like... carol lockwood, for example knowing, and what that would make her or other council members think about her parents. she wouldn’t lie, but she would just... rather not go there. 

in my portrayal of jeremy, jeremy is also bi, though, and i do think that helps her push through this – she can’t necessarily work through it all the way for herself, but it’s not a thought with jeremy. she loves her brother and is so proud of who he is and would fight to the death for him. it’s just her own internal struggle because of how she was raised. 

also she thinks rebekah is really really hot and i can 100% see her pursuing something with her while her humanity is off. it is A Struggle and factors into some of her hostility towards her and slut shaming of her. why didn’t they date

#re: i don't want to be saved #meta: elena. #meta. #homophobia mention / #depression mention / #alcohol mention / #ask to tag / #laura and i discovering that jenna elena and jeremy are bi was just the most #i love one (1) bi family #i apologize for how messy this is and not proofreading i have had to pee for the last hour

[labyrinthof-fan-fiction]

When Life Was Slow & Oh, So Mellow

Part 3 of Try to Remember

James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes x teacher!Reader

Summary: Part 1 of your date with James.

A/N: I just really love coffee shop AUs. I really love AUs. I have a problem (obsession) with AUs. Titles come from “Try to Remember” from The Fantasticks.

Warnings: Swearing, Sexual Themes

Word Count: 2,477

The week passed at a regular pace for you, go to work, come home, cook a meal, sit down at your television. Occasionally your roommate would join you for some binge watching. You found yourself getting more restless as Saturday grew closer. You roommate had several opinions on this date. Firstly, you met him once at a coffee shop and now you were going to lunch and a movie.

“Who goes to lunch for a date?” They ranted one night, interrupting the movie neither of you were truly paying any attention to.

“Maybe he works nights?” You asked.

“Maybe he’s a serial killer? Maybe a rapist? We don’t know!” They said as they paced back and forth in front of the television.

“You go on Tinder dates without meeting people face to face.” You sniped back.

They paused for a moment. “But I carry pepper spray.” They took a moment to think. “You’re taking pepper spray for this.”

You raised your right eyebrow as they stared at you. “Really, pepper spray. The guy walked me home without killing me.”

“But I was vigilantly waiting for you in the window. And I know he saw me.” They said, posing in their signature strength pose. “I’m intimidating.”

“To what?” You asked, laughing at your friend. They sighed and rolled their eyes, flopping down onto your couch, their head landing on your leg.

“Can we at least try a complete internet stalking before you go on this. I want to be sure he isn’t shady on the internet.” They pulled their phone from their pocket and gazed up at you expectantly, waiting for the name of the newest victim to their personal background check.

“James Barnes.” You muttered, they quickly typed the name into Google, which was just the beginning. You knew from experience that any and all social media were next.

“No fucking way.” They said, sitting up quickly.

Anxiety began to creep its way into your throat. “What is it?” You murmured.

They turned to you, “You’re going on a date, with the Winter Soldier.” They handed their phone to you.

Your eyes scanned the screen. Sure enough there was a picture of James, he didn’t look the same as he had in the coffee shop. His hair was wild, his eyes were blank, his left arm uncovered glinting metallically in the sun. There was a cold atmosphere to this photo, one that had not been there when you met him. “I….” You began.

“I am buying you a taser, maybe a cattle prod. Honestly, how opposed are you to a concealed carry?” Your roommate asked, starting to ramble.

“Extremely.” You answered, “He’s a genetically modified human. I don’t think much of that is going to work on him.”

“How much of him do you think is modified, if you get my meaning.” You roommate’s eyebrows wiggling.

“God you're gross.” You grumbled, pushing them then handing their phone back to them. “Is this a bad idea?” You asked, more yourself than them, but you knew they would have an opinion.

“I mean, Captain America says he’s safe for society.” They answered with a shrug. “Do we trust the ‘Star Spangled Man with a Plan’?”

You gave a slight nod in their direction, becoming lost in your thoughts. That’s why he said that the Winter Soldier wasn’t offing musical revolutionists in Russia. Your roommate continued rambling about the situation.

“Of course, you of all people, would somehow end up on a date with an ex-spy.”

You zoned out of their rampage, knowing they weren’t going to let up anytime soon. Sure, you had the initial panic of him being a serial killer, as most people do when they meet a stranger, but you hadn’t even thought that there was a possibility that he was dangerous. He didn’t give off that energy and you were proud of your senses of people. He didn’t seem like he would kill you, if anything, you felt like he would protect you.

And so you found yourself preparing for your date. You woke up at 8 AM, a bit early for a Saturday, but you wanted to be ready. You took a long and hot shower, trying to gather your thoughts for the day. Hi, James, just wondering, are you a super soldier created by HYDRA? You snorted, yeah, that’s real smooth.

Your phone buzzed, pulling you from your thoughts. You glanced at the text, from James.

Looking forward to today.

Me too. You replied, putting your phone back on the charger to finish getting ready. You dried your hair and got dressed. Putting on a simple combo of jeans and a shirt that you felt was flattering, but ideal if you had to escape. While you didn’t feel that James was a threat, your roommate had somehow been able to go deep into the web and find about two hundred conspiracy theories on the man in question.

“He’s an alien. No, wait, he’s a cyborg. Do you realize you are going on a date with a cyborg?” They asked as you were eating your cereal.

You took a bite before answering. “It’ll be fine.” You said.

“Fine? This is your idea of fine?” They continued, you sighed, glancing at the clock, 10 AM. Two more hours of ranting from your roommate, wonderful.

You continued to eat, listening to the rampage of your roommate. You interrupted them when they took a breath. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll keep my phone on, I’ll have the panic button.”

Their eyes met yours. “Okay.”

“Now, I’m going to finish getting ready and really don’t want to hear any more conspiracy theories about my date.” You said, ending the conversation as you played your now empty bowl in the sink.

You went into your room to finish getting ready. Time seemed to move quickly and your phone vibrated.

Ready when you are. You smiled and grabbed your coat.

“See you.” You called to your roommate who was sitting on the couch, hunched over their laptop, you caught a glimpse of their screen, more conspiracy theories. You shook your head and placed your keys in your pocket as you closed the apartment door behind you.

You exited the main hallway of your apartment and he was standing outside the door. He was wearing jeans, a navy t-shirt, and a black leather coat. You glanced at his hands, both covered in leather gloves. His blue eyes met yours and widened for a moment.

“You look great.” He murmured, the corners of his mouth pulling into a small smile.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” You winked, “So where are we going?”

“The best sandwich shop in town.” He answered, offering his right arm to you. You wrapped your arm around his.

“That’s a pretty serious statement. The best sandwich shop in  town?” You joked.

“What can I say, one thing I know is food.” He answered, a chuckle escaping his lips.

You both continued walking down the street, conversation flowing about the best sandwiches, and other nonsensical things. What you did not notice was the small red drone trailing above you.

“Sam, what do you see?” Steve asked through the intercom.

“Seems to be going well. They haven’t made any moves on Bucky… Well they’ve made moves. But not murderous moves.” Sam answered. “Where the hell are you anyways?”

“I’m staking out the sandwich shop.” Steve answered.

“In a car?” Sam asked.

“No, I ditched the suit and I’m in the shop.” Steve mumbled.

“See you when we get there.” Sam said, laughing a bit at his friend. Both of them sure they were being sneaky. But Bucky had seen Redwing out of the corner of his eye when the two of you had turned a corner.

Bastards. He thought to himself as he pulled you a bit closer to his side. “So, how would you feel about a change of plans?” He asked you.

You glanced up at him, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief. “I don’t know, you really talked this sandwich place up.”

“We could always go to the sandwich shop on a second date.” He said.

Someone’s feeling confident. You thought to yourself. “Alright, Barnes, but you better take me to this sandwich shop sometime.” You mumbled, he pulled away from your grip to hail a cab, reaching down to grab your hand. The warmth from his hand seeped through the leather, your heart picked up speed, but you chose to ignore it. He opened the cab door and let you slip in after him. He gave the driver an address and glanced out the window, looking up toward the sky.

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Just checking to see what the weather is doing.” He answered, his hand still entwined with yours.

He sighed as he saw Redwing circling above and he knew Sam was confused. Steve had no doubt gone ahead and staked out the sandwich shop, that was more his style. He appreciated his friends, he really did. He had a good life, he was finally safe at the Tower. He understood their fears about HYDRA, about the Soldier, but they paled in comparison to his own. He glanced down at your hands, still connected. He gave yours a slight squeeze, then he froze, maybe this was a little too forward for a first date.

You felt a smirk break across your face at the actions of the man beside you. The cab stopped and James handed the money to the driver and you followed him as he exited in front of a pizza shop. “Pizza?” You asked.

“Pizza is second in line to sandwiches.” He answered walking into the shop, it was a cozy place. Pretty standard for a pizza place. “You take a seat over there, I’ll get the food.”

“If you put olives on that pizza I will end you.” You said, walking over to the table by the window. Sitting in the chair that faced the door. It was a tick for you, sitting facing the door, but it was something you always did. Sitting without knowing what was coming made you uncomfortable. You watched James joking with the man at the counter. They both glanced in your direction, James waving to you, you raised your hand and the man at the counter clapped James’ shoulder. A red blush seeped across his cheeks. The man handed him two sodas and nodded in your direction.

James slid into the chair across from you. Handing you the soda, you took a sip. Vanilla Coke filled your senses, you hummed. “He’s got a way of reading people.” James murmured.

“He’s good.” You murmured, glancing up into the blue eyes of the man in front of you. He was relaxed, one hand wrapped around the glass of soda, his other arm resting against the back of the chair.

“So tell me about yourself.” He said.

“I think I did most of the talking last time. It’s your turn to spill your guts.” You answered. “Where are you from?”

“Brooklyn. I grew up there. Just made my way back from some time serving abroad.” He answered, shifting a bit in his chair.

“Being abroad must have been nice.” You said.

His head tilted a bit as something glinted in his eyes. “It was alright. So where are you from?”

“Small town in the middle of nowhere.” You answered. “Looking for a job I got hired outside of the city. I took it. I miss my family at times, but I love my job.”

His eyebrows knitted together at this statement. Before he could say anything a pizza was placed on the table. The man from the counter winked at James before leaving. You both began eating, silence settling between the two of you as you ate.

Across the city, Sam had changed from his suit and was sitting in the Avengers Tower with Steve.

“He ditched us.” Steve grumbled. “He ran away.”

Tony walked by the pouting duo on the couch. “Who ran away?”

“Barnes.” Sam muttered.

“You lost Barnes, Jarvis, Winter Protocols now.” Tony snapped.

“Right away, sir.” Jarvis answered.

“Tony, he’s fine.” Steve started. “He’s on a date.”

“James Buchanan Barnes is at a pizza shop.” Jarvis interrupted. “Putting video footage on the television.”

The TV turned on and the security footage brought up the image of the you and James. The camera zoomed in on the two of you. You were reaching for another piece of pizza, James was watching you, a huge piece of cheese pulled away from the piece. You both were laughing and the group around the TV noticed that Barnes seemed at ease.

“He looks happy.” Steve said, sounding a bit surprised.

“Who is she?” Tony asked.

“Pulling up her file.” Jarvis stated.

“Jarvis, that’s not….” Steve began, but was cut off by Tony.

Your file pulled up on the screen, displayed next to the security feed. “She’s a school teacher. From a small town, nothing negative on her file. Went to a smaller college. Graduated with high honors.” Jarvis started.

“Seems pretty normal.” Sam muttered.

“So why were you two tracking him?” Tony asked.

The two men glanced at each other sheepishly. “We didn’t know if she was HYDRA.” Steve answered.

“So you followed them instead of doing a background check?” Tony pressed.

Sam glanced down at his feet. “Seemed more fun our way.”

Tony rolled his eyes and threw his hands up, leaving the room. The two remained silent for a moment. Jarvis turned the television security feed off.

Back at the restaurant the tension that had momentarily fell over the two of you had dissipated. You had learned each others favorite colors, childhood pets, and other pieces of information that were small, but somehow felt important. James glanced down at his watch, three hours had passed in the restaurant, it had barely felt like an hour.

“So what’s next?” You asked.

“We could try to catch a movie…” He faded off. “Or we could walk and talk.”

“Option two, please.” You answered, finishing off your soda.

He tossed money on the table and stood up. You followed him out the door, grabbing his hand as you made your way into the crowded street. He stiffened slightly, but relaxed as you made your way out of the crowd and towards a park bench. You sat next to him, watching people pass by. He raised his arm and wrapped it around your shoulders, in an extremely cliche way that made you giggle.

“Hmmm?” He asked.

“Nothing.” You mumbled, a spare giggle escaped your lips.

“Lame move, I know.” He said, “But it worked.”

“True.” You said, inching closer to his side. Part of you felt comfortable with him, but a small part of you was unsettled. “James, I have to ask you something.”

#james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes imagine #james buchanan barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier imagine #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #james buchanan barnes x you

[paradisobound]

The Flowers Are For You

The Flowers are for You

Summary: It’s Dan and Phil’s one month “anniversary” and Phil wants to get Dan flowers. The only catch is he has no idea what flowers to get Dan, or even if Dan will like them.

Word Count: 1.9k

Genre: 2009!phan

Rating: Teen and up

“Is Dan coming up this weekend?”

Phil looked up from his laptop to his mum who was sitting beside him on their living room couch. He was busy trying to finish his video that he was posting in a few days.

“Yes,” Phil says. “It’s our one month being together.”

When Phil says this, a smile forms on his lips that he cannot hide. Being with Dan, even if it’s only been a month, has been the best time of his life. Meeting Dan last month for the first time and solidifying their relationship was enough to make him know that Dan was his person and he wanted to give Dan the entire world—even if Dan was still only 18 and Phil was still living at home.

“Well, that’s a good first milestone!” His mum spoke, putting down her book onto her lap and lowering her glasses to the tip of her nose. “Are you going to do anything for it?”

Phil shrugged. “One month isn’t a really big deal.” Phil says. “It’s not as big of a deal as one year or something.”

“Well, no.” His mum agreed. “But you still could do something for him? What about getting him a gift?”

Phil sat back on the couch and thought for a moment. He could definitely get Dan a gift. That much was true. He had the money to buy Dan a really nice gift but the problem was that he wasn’t quite sure what Dan liked. He knew that they liked the same music and the same movies and TV shows. He also knew Dan had expensive taste in clothes but couldn’t quite afford much yet—which was perfectly fine. He also knew that Dan had a few stuffed animals that he kept on his bed from the many Skype sessions that they had.

But Phil wasn’t sure if he could find a good gift for Dan right just yet. Maybe at the six month mark he could find something for Dan after knowing him a bit better. Right now, they were still just testing the waters and figuring out each other—in more ways than one but Phil won’t get into the second meaning of that.

“I’m not sure what I could get him.” Phil says after a moment.

“Well, he likes your same pop music doesn’t he?”

“Muse isn’t pop, mum.” Phil corrects and Kath waves him off as just nonsense.

“Is Muse coming around to Manchester for a concert?” His mum asks. “You could always buy tickets and take him to a concert.”

“I can’t really afford two concert tickets right now.” Phil admits. “Besides, I’m not sure Muse is touring.”

“What about the screaming band you always listen to? My…something Romance?”

Phil laughed. “It’s My Chemical Romance and no, they’re in America right now.” Phil sighs. “Plus, I don’t think I could afford those tickets either.”

His mum lets out a sigh, one that means the wheels are turning in her head as well. “What about your job?” She asks. “Does WHSmith have any good books that Dan might like? I’m not sure if the lad is the reading type but…”

“I’m not buying my boyfriend a book as a gift.” Phil interrupts.

“It’s only a suggestion.”

Phil tries to think more about what he could get Dan. He could get him chocolate or is that too cheesy and too cliche? He didn’t want to scare Dan off so maybe getting him a gift is the worst thing he can do.

“What about some flowers?” His mum suggests. “There is a good florist up in town that I go to often. You could stop in Friday morning and pick up a bouquet of flowers and you can give them to Dan.”

A lightbulb goes off in Phil’s head and he sits up, pushing his laptop to the side. “Mum! That’s a fantastic idea! Dan loves flowers and it’ll such a simple thing.”

“Now,” His mum said. “Flowers can be expensive so if you need some extra cash for the ones you like, just let me know, okay?”

Phil looked over at her and saw a smile on her lips as well as she stared at him. Phil smiled back and picked his laptop back up. He was super excited to actually go and pick out the flowers now.

***

“I can’t wait to see you on Friday.” Dan says through the grainy screen over Skype. He’s laying in his bed with his laptop poised on the side as he lays down.

Dan had a long day of work and he was tired but still wanted to make the effort to talk to Phil and that made Phil’s heart melt a bit. He felt a bit bad that his job was so much less stressful than Dan’s.

“Me too.” Phil says. “Did you know this weekend will be one month since we became official?”

Dan smiled at the screen and nodded. “I can’t believe it’s been a month already.”

“Did you want to do anything special for it?”

Dan shrugged. “Honestly doesn’t matter to me.” He says, his voice soft. “I’m content on just staying in bed with you all evening.”

Phil blushes, knowing exactly what Dan means and honestly, he wouldn’t be opposed to that either. His mum and dad were off for the week to his grandparents for the weekend so Phil had their home to himself.

“Can I take you out to dinner one night?” Phil asks.

Dan opens his eyes that were previously shut from exhaustion and smiled again. “Yeah.”

“You’re okay with that?”

Dan nodded. “I’d love that actually.”

They continued talking about their plans for that weekend and soon, Dan was beginning to sag a bit more into his pillow and before long, Phil was just speaking to himself and Dan’s little snores came through the camera. Phil whispered a quick goodbye to Dan and then set his laptop down on his own bed as he laid down and fell asleep to Dan’s snores.

***

Phil had no idea what he was doing. He came to his mum’s recommendation for a florist right after opening so he could get the flowers before Dan arrived at the train station. But standing inside the shop and seeing all of the flowers were completely overwhelming.

He was walking in circles around the shop, looking at all of the different colors of the flowers and all the different varieties. He felt totally lost.

“Hello?”

A small woman came from around one of the corners, her hair thrown up in a messy bun and her hands holding a vase of pretty looking sunflowers.

“Hi.” Phil says.

“Can I help you find what you’re looking for?” She asks, her voice soft and gentle. She looks like she’s his mum’s age and that helps him remain calm despite his anxiety beating in his chest.

“Um…yeah…so, I would like to get flowers for my boyfriend.” He says.

He wants to pinch himself. He shouldn’t have admitted that they were for Dan. What if this woman was homophobic and now refused to help him out? His heart beat faster and his chest knotted even more.

“Oh, how precious!” She commented. “Here, let me show you my selection.”

Phil followed her to a little corner of the shop where there were a bunch of flowers in different little areas. She slowly bent down and picked up a delicate looking flower by the stem. “This is an orchid.” She said. “It means loving deeply. Us florists love using these to convey love because they’re such a lovely looking flower on top of the meaning.”

She then reached over next and grabbed another flower. “This one is a lily. They convey feelings of infatuation so if you’re really smitten with your hubby, this is the one to go.”

Phil followed her to another area of the shop and she stopped by some other flowers. She pulled out a red flower. “This is a Gerber Daisy. The red one symbolizes love and desire.”

She held the three flowers in her hand and Phil looked them over. He wasn’t quite sure what to even get Dan. What would Dan even like? Would Dan like any of these?

“If you’re tied for what you want,” She started. “My favorite is the orchid. Specifically this one that is purple.”

Phil looked it over and nodded. It was pretty. He liked it and she said it meant loving deeply. Although he hadn’t told Dan that he loved him, he knew he did so this one seemed like it would mean a lot to him if he got it.

“I like it.”

She smiled at him and took him back to the orchids and she began to pick some pink and purple ones and place them together with some other miscellaneous flowers that Phil had no idea what they were.

“When you get home,” She says as he’s paying for the flowers a few moments later. “Make sure to put them in a vase with some water and the food that I gave you.”

Phil nodded and paid for the flowers before he took them in his hands and walked out of the shop and head home. When he walked through the door, he immediately went to the kitchen where his mum had left him out a vase and he did exactly what the woman at the shop told him to do. With them ready now, and all spread out in the vase, he took a deep breath and smiled.

Dan was going to love them…hopefully anyway.

He picked Dan up from the train station when he arrived and Phil kissed him a bit silly seeing him again after a month of not seeing himself in the flesh. Phil talked to Dan about how he thought they could go to a nice restaurant for dinner if he felt up to it and then he mentioned that he needed to go and pick up some other items for tonight from the store as well.

When they walked through the door of his house, he had completely forgot about the flowers sitting on the table and when Dan saw them, he immediately commented on them. “Oh, your mums flowers are really pretty.”

Phil studied Dan for a moment to look at what he meant but then he immediately realized what Dan was speaking about and he walked over to grab them. He picked them up and walked over to Dan. “They’re actually for you.”

“For me?” Dan asked, his voice half a question.

Phil nodded. “Happy one month of being together.”

Phil watched as Dan’s eyes became glassy and a tear spilled over the side, down his cheek. “Thank you.” Dan said, taking the flowers from him. “They’re beautiful.”

“The florist say that they symbolized deep love and…”

“I love you too.” Dan said, leaning over and placing a sound kiss on Phil’s lips.

Phil smiled into the kiss and pulled back. “I’m glad you like them.”

“They’re honestly the best thing I’ve ever received.”

Later that night, the flowers remained left alone on Phil’s nightstand since Dan wanted to see them at all times and in the morning, that’s where they remained too. Dan took them home with him after the weekend was over and even though they were long past dead not soon after, Dan still kept the dried flowers in his room at his house and Phil saw them every time they talked.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #fluff #2009!phan #princesslexi763fics

[arthurhwalker]

Lenovo TechWorld 2019

Disclosure: I attended Lenovo TechWorld 2019 in Beijing as Lenovo’s Guest. I sat in a super fan / brand advocate seat, and attended in that capacity. Lenovo asks that, as part of my participation, I follow all FTC disclosure laws relative to sponsored content. All opinions are my own.

Disclosure: I consumed the majority of Lenovo TechWorld 2019 via an earbud, translators working hard to turn Chinese into English on the other end. Something may have gotten lost in the translation, and I’ve tried my best to get clarity in those cases where I suspect that happened.

Lenovo HQ Tour - Day Zero

The tour wasn’t what I was expecting. It was definitely a marketing experience, designed to influence influencers and the media. It was well produced, had something for everyone, and a little more.

I write extensively about identity and digital identity in my speculative science fiction series. I’ve read Derek Parfit’s work, and Christine M. Korsgaard’s “Self-Constitution”. The philosophical implications of identity are something I’ve explored in great depth. To that end, Lenovo may be one of a precious few tech companies looking to empower (as opposed to exploit) the user, via their identity.

In philosophy, whenever someone is merely a means in the process of your decision making, you’re probably a jerk, or in the process of acting like one. Lenovo sees a person’s identity as more than a means to create markets for themselves, and is looking through the eyes of the user for how they would relate to potential markets instead.

When I stepped into Lenovo’s unmanned employee store, using my face, it sort of hit home what they were wanting to do. The store had a curious assortment of snacks, food, and drinks. Were the contents curated based on the patronage? I wished I’d asked, but I suspect that’s the cases. Instead of a marketing edifice trying desperately to contrive demand, the store felt more like the corner market that served a neighborhood.

It was an odd sensation to have in a high tech store that didn’t have personnel, but still had personality. That of the folks that shopped there, perhaps? There was the quick bite to eat for lunch, necessities people might grab to avoid a trip to the market on the way home, and the afternoon snack. Nothing was arranged to market the goods in a specific way. It felt more like a community pantry that had contents aggregated over time, to suit the needs of the patrons.

I haven’t had that sensation since I was a young person, standing in the corner market of an old neighborhood where some of my extended family dwelled. That’s where the familiarity ended, though.

In China, commerce is just handled differently. On the outside, it feels a little impersonal to use WeChat or Alipay on your phone to make a transaction. However, I saw the flip side, while I was shopping at Lenovo’s pop up store at the TechWorld venue. They had a Lenovo Legion backpack I wanted (well, needed. It was red!), but I didn’t have WeChat set up to pay, or enough cash.

Nevertheless, the young woman helping me was determined to make the transaction happen. The other employees gathered around, and we talked it over. In the end, she became the handler in the exchange. I gave her the money using Alipay, and she used her WeChat to complete the transaction at the point of sale. This sort of economic decentralization happens at the user level in China.

Having based my book series around a global fiscal collapse, it was interesting to see how Lenovo (and to some degree, China) is making sure the future I’m somewhat afraid of, never happens. Where technology doesn’t reach all the way to the ground, to the common person, it will generally either fail at best, or at worst, exploit the common person.

There were other demonstrations of this notion in the home, and workplace, throughout the tour. The extreme care taken to make sure Lenovo’s products don’t interfere with the user, or their other devices shed light on why I keep buying from them. From a very high developmental level, Lenovo’s products put the user first.

TechWorld - Day 1: Commercial

During the commercial keynote, there was a lot of marketing babble, buzzwords, and hype. It was hard to pick out the gems, the bits that really will resonate in the industry. This is to be expected whenever a company goes large on the stage to sell themselves. This isn't criticism of Lenovo, it's a realization of all that is at stake.

Lenovo wants to change China, and by virtue of that, influence change in the rest of the world.

Lenovo has realized what many companies in the West have not. Decentralizing processes, beside transparent data acquisition, has tremendous potential. This is particularly true for countries with large populations. Each person represents an opportunity to create or serve particular markets.

The assumption is that automation will take jobs from humans, and give them to robots. That edge computing will make people in the field obsolete. I don’t think that is the case. Lenovo has seen that the optimization of processes is one of the last ways technology can improve the profits of companies, while helping preserve the environment. We don’t need less people and more robots, we need more efficient processes underlying the work done by both man and machine.

This is marketable both for companies that want to go greener by reducing waste, while saving money on power consumption. The sum of that vision rests with edge computing built on system agnostic, easy to produce hardware, with software to match. So that data acquisition isn't reliant on crafting new products for each industry.

During the first day I wondered if this approach would trickle down to the regular consumer, with edge computing coming to the home. People already struggle to trust that technology in their homes. Lenovo understands that anxiety; from toggles on webcams, to the hardware switches on microphone-equipped smart home devices.  

They intend to start building that trust by using block-chain to track the food supply in China. If they can make the delivery of necessities in China safer, people will learn to trust the technology. In the United States, there is deep distrust of anything resembling this kind of data acquisition. Worldwide, trust is often the barrier to reaching out to better industry practices and economic models.

If Lenovo pulls it off in China, a billion people on the planet will be closer to trusting the decentralization of data, and data acquisition, via edge computing. The counter argument is that it all requires data centers, something on the other side of the edge computing bridge from the Internet of Things. Something to manage that data acquisition, that isn’t necessarily transparent to end users, outside of the institutional control of said data centers.

I know the above paragraphs looks like a lot of buzzwords and technobabble, but decentralizing data will lead to the democratization of technology, economies, and greater control of one’s personal data. The reason underlying this is that Lenovo is using open source type hardware (ARM) and software (Linux) in their edge computing solutions.

I would be the first to point out that this is likely by necessity as opposed to genuinely held benevolent intent if not for a conversation with Lenovo’s Chief Communications Officer, Torod Neptune. I was, perhaps, a little more vocal during the round table than I should have been, but I wanted to know where Lenovo really stood. If their push for the democratization of technology would be inclusive to all people. Mister Neptune assured me that it was, and that the notion was at the top of their ethics hierarchy.

I’m very skeptical when it comes to the good intentions of corporations. If you’ve read my speculative science fiction series, I do not cast corporations, or the government entities responsible for regulating them, in a very good light. I designed the series during the Occupy Wall Street movement. I spent some of the trip looking for where Lenovo had deviated from what Torod Neptune was pitching at the meeting with him. I see problems in the industry, but Lenovo isn’t at the root of them, and they may even swing things the other way at the commercial and institutional level.

That said, Lenovo has some challenges where inclusive access to technology is concerned.

TechWorld - Day 2: Consumer, Small Business, Consultancy

The second day was full of epic wins, and some missteps. Lenovo seemed conflicted, sending a mixed message on stage. I’ll break it down as best as I can.

The Good: There was talk of making technology more democratic, edge computing in the residential consumer market, bespoke cloud services, and access to technology, artificial intelligence, and data privacy for people with special needs. The decentralization of the Internet is the next step, the next big thing, and Lenovo is keenly aware of this. They understand that the market for such is emerging, regardless, and that there is an opportunity for every single person in that market.

The narrative from day one, about leveraging AI, smart data center management, and edge computing data acquisition would trickle down to the average user of tech in the home, and on the street. Lenovo’s message wasn’t that they were creating that market, but that they were ready to provide products thereof, almost like it was an evolutionary imperative that they were merely ready for.

I didn’t think much of the Thinkbook and Thinkplus line until I understood it a little better and who it is being marketed to. If you want to start your own global tech consultancy with automated customer care, and a small office staff, Lenovo is trying to provide hardware, and language translation support to that end. They are making big things for the little guy, and I approve.

The Bad: The second day was sprinkled with casual sexism, with a decidedly male-focused keynote, then capped off with Lenovo announcing a very respectful sponsorship of the Chinese Women’s Volleyball Team. I clapped, I cringed, I wanted to cry, and for various reasons. I feel like a few product managers and executives hadn’t gotten Torod Neptune’s memo about inclusivity.

Others, thankfully, were on point.

Lenovo is far from the only tech company grappling with these issues. Stating that there are many attractive females employed in a particular division of the company shouldn’t be an acceptable means to sell product. The message delivered for Thinkbook, and Thinkplus, were that they were “The Young Man” of the workplace, looking to start his consultancy, or small business venture. That he’d have hardware options for himself, and his female assistant.

The appeal of the Thinkbook / Plus product lines transcends gender, and the marketing should have reflected that. That women were excluded as customers during the keynote was a mistake. Hopefully, when those products start reaching the US, Lenovo doesn’t continue the tragic narrative put forward at TechWorld.

The two women they put on the stage as product managers were there, as directed by the man leading the keynote. One was the product manager for the Yoga Book 2, or Yoga Book C930 as it is also called. I’d have really liked to see her up there by herself, pitching the product, without a guy as the conversational prompt.

It’s important to note that what I saw is not the trend at Lenovo. They released their 2nd annual Diversity and Inclusion report a few days after Techworld. Lenovo’s workforce is 36.2 percent female, up 1.2 percent from 2018.

Traditionally under-represented racial and ethnic groups are on the rise in the executive ranks in the U.S. workforce, at 27.4 percent. Lenovo wants to make it 28 percent by 2020.

When I attended CES earlier this year, I was able to sit in at a conference, hosted by Lenovo, for women in the tech industry to meet and discuss the challenges they face in the workforce. It is these things that stand in contrast to what I saw on stage at TechWorld in China. Definitely, I’ll be paying close attention to whether Lenovo pushes the needle toward inclusion, and equity.

In that, I am hopeful.

Conclusion: TechWorld 2019 Overview

Getting to see the connected narrative of days one and two between artificial intelligence, data acquisition, and edge computing was something I needed. I don’t think people in the consumer market understand the influence of these things in their daily lives, and as a result, are afraid of those influences.

Sadly, companies like Google and Amazon do an excellent job of making it worse by lacking transparency in their data acquisition in a residential setting.

Lenovo talked about GPU virtualization in the cloud during the Day 1 Keynote. I’m giddy at all the possible applications thereof. I hope one day to have an extremely thin and light drawing tablet in hand, 5G connected, that can handle commercial applications, rendering done quickly in the cloud. The primary barrier to that being a reality, is trust.  

Lenovo has a genuine opportunity to change the narrative at an industry level if they can make data collection via edge computing transparent, and democratic. Will Lenovo hold to that narrative? It starts with the people making decisions within, and there is every indication that Lenovo is struggling to move in that direction, in all markets.

That said, there is a genuine effort at high levels of the company to that end.

Thanks for reading.

For More TechWorld 2019 coverage, check out these other Lenovo Insiders, and the Hashtag #LenovoTechWorld #LenovoIN

Adam Fowler

https://twitter.com/AdamFowler_IT

https://www.adamfowlerit.com/

Onica Cupido

https://twitter.com/OnicaCupido

Vernon Chan

https://twitter.com/vernieman

https://vernonchan.com/

Lawrence Mann

https://twitter.com/LAWRENCEcanDRAW

https://www.youtube.com/LAWRENCEcanDRAW

And, our friends from the Lenovo Champions ;-D

https://www.instagram.com/tecnolaura/

https://www.youtube.com/technikfaultier

https://twitter.com/TecnoLocura

https://www.instagram.com/leotechmaker/

#LenovoTechWorld #LenovoIN #SponsoredTrip #Lenovo #Inclusivity #Equity #Technology #LenovoTechWorld2019

[whatifididsomethingnew]

Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

 I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in. 

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills. 

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early. 

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™  all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

#mental health #medication #depression #adhd #american education #this has been a psa #mental health advice