#It’s like 2 am- you’re supposed to stop believing anything you think of yourself after 9 pm

[spaghetticat3899]

It’s always late at night, when everyone’s asleep, and I have myself for company, that I suddenly fall into a self loathing spiral that I can’t get out of, and no one to talk to so I can remove myself from the headspace.

#spaghetti speaks #my friends have their own problems I don’t like bugging them much #i feel like shit #To put it bluntly #vent #I have so much on my mind and keep having whatever existential crisis wants to plague me #the worst part is knowing that the intensity of these feelings are temporary and brought on by the wretched organ #I wish I could artistically depict my feelings because I always think about it but never do #it’s hard to interpret it right #some people use beautiful colors and shapes and I can never seem to do things like that #I’m quite straightforward- cutting to the chase of how I feel without much nuance #It’s like 2 am- you’re supposed to stop believing anything you think of yourself after 9 pm #I think #Unrelated but good god what is with recommended popular tags?? #The first things that popped up was eating disorder shite- like #tumblr what are you doing??? #vent post

[brighter-by-the-daly]

Millie Bright x Reader

Part Two: Playing Pretend

Posted 24/04/23, Edited 29/06/23

Prompt: Part 2 to playing pretend gotta have Rachel telling off Millie - anon

Pacing Rachel’s front room, kitchen and garden with Dexi following you everywhere, you couldn’t believe what you’d just done had zero reaction from your supposed girlfriend. “Am I dumb? She didn’t say anything, just stood there like a fucking fish opening and closing her mouth! I’ve let her keep me in the closet for 6 fucking years! Everyone must think I’m a bloody idiot!” Unable to form a sentence without using expletives showed just how angry you were as you hated swearing without proper reasoning, this felt appropriate though. Maybe it hadn’t hit you yet but the pure rage you felt for allowing yourself to be silenced for six years overpowered the tears. The real you would never have accepted this from a relationship so why was Millie any different, why did you put up with that for so long?

You paused in the kitchen just long enough for Rach to flick the kettle on and plop Dexi into your arms, she hadn’t been able to get a word in since your arrival but knew having something fluffy to stroke calms everyone down. Grabbing the teas and placing them onto the garden table she gestured for you to sit with her, which you did for a few seconds before your restlessness got the better of you and your legs took you around the garden again. The eye roll earsplittingly loud as she went to rummage through her kitchen drawer and threw you a vape. She knew you were trying to quit but had left one here for emergencies and this certainly was one. “Drink your tea” she said with force to make you stop pacing, placing Dexi on the floor to pick up your cup without sitting down. Tutting at your actions your best friend stood up and directed you to the chair “Sit. Stroke. Sip.” were her instructions as you found Dexi in your lap once again “and then we’ll pretend this goal is her head” as she pulled her nephew’s tiny goal out of the shed and took it to the back of the garden. She always knew what to do and no one else gives better advice than Rach.

Downing your tea so you could get your feet on the ball you took shots one after the other, it was a good way to release anger. “Am I gonna get a go?” she asked as she soft tackled the ball off you which made you smile for the first time today. “Assuming she doesn’t apologise, I’m gonna lose you Daly” you muttered thinking about how she was Millie’s friend way before yours and will obviously stick by her number one. “Oh she will, trust me” as the force she hit the ball with made the goal fall over. Standing there looking defeated your mind started to wander, you wouldn’t just lose your girlfriend you’d also lose your best friend too. “Yeah but what if-“ you started but was swiftly interrupted “no ‘what if’, she will. I’ve been telling her from the start it’s not fair on you, I’m on your side” passing the ball back to you. The anger had left your body slightly knowing you at least had one person in your corner as you swapped from shooting to keepie uppies. You didn’t know that she’d been telling Millie this was wrong from the beginning which somehow hurt even more knowing she ignored her best friend’s advice too. You’d been gone for hours and she still hadn’t reached out.

The next morning while you were still asleep Rachel went round to Millie’s house. The last thing Millie expected was her best friend at the front door at 7am with a face like thunder. “Do we have a date today that I’ve forgotten?” Millie asked rubbing sleep out of her eyes. “What the actual fuck?” Millie’s eyes turned to shock as she didn’t imagine this first thing in the morning. “You don’t think I know exactly what you’ve done and you’re here acting like it’s just another day, are you fucking serious?” Millie looked down at her feet as she visibly gulped, she hates being told off but is the first to give anyone else an earful. The silence was deafening as Rachel saw the same face you did yesterday, mouth opening and closing, she knew how you felt when she didn’t say anything. “Do you really have nothing to say?” the face of disgust from Rachel wondered who the hell the person was in front of her. Walking straight past Millie to the kitchen she done exactly the same thing that she did for you, flicking the kettle on and brought teas to the sofa. “Talk.” she said with the thump of the full cup hitting the table, not giving her the same luxury of comfort in her presence as she did you.

Wrapping both hands around the cup Millie began to talk “it’s just, the longer it went on the harder it became to tell people. I just thought it’d be easier this way” she said quietly. “Did you not think for a second how that would affect (y/n) Mill?” Rachel was determined to fight your corner and knew she would eventually win her over. “Well, she seemed okay with it. I didn’t know it affected her that much” Millie shrugged which rubbed Rachel the wrong way. The body language giving off a ‘don’t care’ attitude. “Really? I’ve been telling you for years, imagine the shoe was on the other foot. How would you feel if someone kept you a secret for 6 years?” sinking into the corner of the sofa and crossing her legs. “Yeah but-“ “no buts Mills, she told you she wants to marry you and you said nothing. How would you feel?” defiant in her stance she wasn’t going to leave until Millie came round. “Pretty shitty I guess” she said looking into her cup. “It’s not just telling everyone she’s my girlfriend though, I’ve never actually come out to anyone apart from you. Nobody knows I like girls too” she said which made Rach a little softer in her approach. “If she knew that she would have helped you with it, she would have supported you with that. Not pretending you’re in a relationship with a man to hide the fact you’re bi babe, that’s not okay.” Millie looked pensive as the first tears she’d shed over this situation started to flow, Rach’s hand reached for the tissues and placed a soothing hand on her shoulder. “So are you gonna fight for her or let her go?”

Part Three

#millie bright #millie bright x reader #lionesses #woso masterlist #woso x reader #chelsea wfc

[heavyhitterheaux]

I'll Always Be Proud of You

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

AN: the day has finally arrived!! (I don't want for anyone to get confused so their close friends and family know about the pregnancy and that will be shown in LYTLM part 3)

Synopsis: Our favorite couple supporting each other at The Grammy's after finding out that they're both nominated

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

Part 2 to Grammy Nominated Harlows

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

You were in a peaceful sleep when you suddenly heard Jack's voice. It took you a second to understand what he was saying, but then you realized he was talking to your bump. You didn’t want to interrupt him and waited until he was finished. 

"Me and mommy are nominated for multiple Grammy's today and I'm nervous. I think I'm more nervous for her than for myself. I know that I wouldn't be anywhere without her and she believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself and when I wanted to give up. But she saw something in me and wouldn't let me quit. If neither of us walk away with anything tonight, I know I already won. I won because she’s my wife and because I get to be a father to you three. Don't give mommy too much trouble today, okay?"

You fluttered your eyes open when you felt Jack place a light kiss on your bump and your hand immediately went to his curls.

“I didn’t wake you up did I?” Jack asked as he felt your hand in his curls and you immediately shook your head no.

“No, been awake for a few minutes now.”

“Oh, did you…?”

“Yes, I heard you and they are going to have the best daddy in the world. Confirmed, but I knew that already."

“Everything I said was true. Don’t know where I would be without you.”

“Right back at you, big head. I always saw something in you and I knew you were meant for this even if you did doubt yourself from time to time.” You replied as Jack brought you closer to him in order to place a kiss on your forehead.

“I just…. Are you sure you’re up for this? You don’t have to go if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“Of course, I’m going. First, to support you and calm your nerves, second, um Beyonce? And third, all of you need a chaperone. I do not trust any of you. Maybe except 2fo but he likes to steal food so never mind."

“I beg to differ, we are not that bad.”

“Baby, you would lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your body.”

“But, you would always find it for me, right?”

“Exactly my point.” You said while laughing.

“How are you going to hide the little ones? Did Julissa find a dress for you?”

“She found one. It’s pink and it’s a little loose around my stomach so it would be hard, almost impossible to tell if someone's in there. We’ll let everyone know soon, but I like the fact that it’s just the closest people to us for right now. Like I said, I have to keep the stress to a minimum.”

“Still can’t believe that there’s three of them in there.”

“I know, it’s insane. I’m going to be waddling by next month if they keep growing at the rate they are now. I’m already short as it is.”

“You know PG is never going to let you live that down.”

“They will if they want me to cook for them.”

“Good point.”

"You too."

"Wait, now why am I in it?!"

"You're guilty by association. And did you actually go to sleep last night or were you just up worrying about everything like you usually do?”

“I think I fell asleep around 2.”

“I’m worried about you.” You said being completely honest.

“What? Why? I'm not the one carrying three people.”

“So? We’ve been through a lot this past year and I don’t know. I just want you to take time to rest.”

“I will eventually, but I still have to be on my shit. I have you and three more people to think about.”

“Everything will fall into place, just how it’s supposed to, so stop worrying.”

You were now facing the mirror staring at your reflection and trying to decide if the dress had any hint of a bump being under it and sighed.

Julissa did good and you couldn't tell. You didn't know if you were going to any other events in the future, but if you were It would get harder and harder to hide it.

Dani had done your make-up and wanted it to be extra special seeing as this was the first time you were going to the Grammy’s as a nominated artist. You didn’t know whose nerves were worse, you or Jack’s.

However, you tried to keep a brave face on for him. Hoping if he saw you in a relaxed state that he would do the same.

Your thoughts were interrupted by Jack who wrapped his arms around you and kissed your cheek. You didn't even hear him behind you but you relaxed into his embrace as the two of you stood there in a comfortable silence.

“You look gorgeous, mamas. As always.”

“And you look like you just stepped out of an issue of GQ. My husband fine as shit." 

“Well, I was on the cover.”

All you did was laugh before sighing before starting to play with Jack’s fingers which were resting on your waist.

“We can back out, just say the word.” Jack whispered in your ear as he hugged you tighter. 

“No, baby. We’re going. You worked your ass off last year and you deserve to be celebrated.”

“And you do too, best new artist.”

“STOPPPPP!”

“You are definitely taking that one.”

“Even if I don’t, I still won. Just like you said earlier, I have you so I’ve been in the winner’s circle for almost eleven….holy shit…. Almost eleven years now.”

“Damn, we’re getting old.”

“Correction, you might be getting old, but I’m aging gracefully and I’ll probably be 50 looking like I’m 35. Black don’t crack, baby.”

“So I’ve heard.” 

The two of you met everyone else downstairs in the lobby of the hotel and just about everyone’s jaw dropped when their eyes landed on you.

“Jack, your wife makes you look good.” 2fo said while grabbing your hand and you did a twirl so everyone could see your dress.

“He doesn’t need me to make him look good, I just make him look better.” You said while winking at him.

“You look so pretty lil bit!” Dani said while coming over to hug you.

“Am I the only person that can see you are legit actually glowing? I never understood what people would be talking about before, but…. I get it. You really do look happy and that’s all I want for my best friend.” Urban piped up and your eyes started to water.

“URBY! HORMONES! Please do NOT make me cry!” You said as he brought you into a hug. You were forever grateful that the two of you looked past the mistakes that you had made in your friendship and it was now getting back to how it was before. The two of you really couldn’t live without each other. 

“I second this, I spent all that time doing her make-up!” Dani exclaimed while trying to dab at the corner of your eyes with a tissue.

“If she starts, we might not be able to get her to stop.”

“NO CRYING! You can only cry if you win. Then I won’t care.” Dani added while eyeing you. 

“Okay so, the Harlow are definitely leaving with a Grammy in their hands tonight.”

“Even if we don’t, we come ten times harder to get one next year.”

“Baby, didn’t you say when we were in high school that you would dedicate your first Grammy to me when you won?” Jack asked while eyeing you.

“If I win for Big Dick Energy then obviously.”

—

All of you were now sitting at your designated table and the show was now underway and you could tell that Jack was still a ball of nerves. 

He got upset when a certain comment was made while the two of you were walking the red carpet and he had to stop you from going and giving that photographer a piece of your mind. 

When it came to your husband, you would always defend him. He didn't bother anyone and minded his business. So you really didn't understand where the hate would be coming from. You simply squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek and he looked over to smile at you.

You knew that Bad Bunny would be opening the show and you took this as an opportunity to get your husband to relax even if it was only for a few minutes.

The two of you stayed listening to his music.

“Baby, come here.” You said while getting up and holding out your hand to him.

“What’s going on?” Jack asked, looking confused.

One of Bad Bunny's dancers was motioning for Jack to get up and dance when she saw that he needed a little bit of encouragement and of course Urban had his phone out ready to record and Dani nudged him to take your hand.

“You need to stop being on edge, so this will at least distract you for a little while. Besides, you haven’t danced with me in a while and that needs to change. I've missed dancing with my husband."

"You know that I can never tell you no." Jack replied as he took your hand. 

You noticed that Jack had now gotten the biggest smile on his face and finally began to relax.

Soon, everyone at the table joined in along with Lizzo, H.E.R., and Taylor Swift. 

"AYE! AYE! AYE!" You heard 2fo scream and he designated himself the hype man for the night.

Jack had already learned earlier in the day that he had lost 2 out of 3 of the awards that he was nominated for, so of course that didn't help his mood.

You at least got him to smile for a few minutes and that was the most he had smiled in weeks.

Cardi had now hit the stage to present the last award that Jack was nominated for that night and he immediately grabbed your hand and squeezed it. You then leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"No matter what, I'll always be proud of you. That's never going to change. Not just proud of the artist that you are, but you as a person. I thank God every day for sending me the most amazing husband that I could ever ask for."

"Baby, your hormones are out of wack and mine are about to be too. Not you making me tear up." Jack said and you let out a small laugh before kissing his cheek.

"We're in this together. Always." 

Your heart dropped as you heard Kendrick Lamar's name and just squeezed Jack's hand tighter. You knew how hard he worked for this and you didn't want to look at him at the moment. The thought of him being upset, which you knew would be all over his facial expression.

"Still proud of you smush." You whispered and Jack placed a quick kiss on your lips which led to Urban yelling. 

"AHT AHT! Spare our eyes and save it for later."

"Such a hater, Urby."

Since the triplets were doing jumping Jacks on your bladder, Dani had gone with you to the bathroom and to help you touch up your make-up.

"Seeing Jack’s face broke my heart." Dani said as you were washing your hands.

"Mine too. But we all know how talented he is and I tell him every day. This just gives him more motivation. I know he's going to get one. This is only the beginning of his career."

As you finished drying your hands, your phone went off and it was Jack calling you.

"Yeah, babe?"

"BABY! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! YOU JUST WON BEST NEW ARTIST!"

"WHAAAATTTTTT!?"

"COME ON!"

Dani immediately grabbed your hand and the two of you ran at lightning speed back to the auditorium where the awards were taking place.

"There she is!" You heard Olivia Rodrigo say. Dani went and sat back at the table as you embraced Jack.

"So fucking proud of you. Get up there and get your grammy."

Jack helped you up the steps and you hugged Olivia before taking your award from her and stepping up to the mic.

"Is this…? Is this real life?! I can't even right now. And of course I would have to be in the bathroom when they called my name." You said as tears were now rolling down your face.

Looks like Dani did that touch up for nothing.

You heard laughter erupt from the crowd before continuing your speech.

"This means the world to me and I just…. I promised my now husband when we were in high school that we would dedicate our first Grammy Wins to one another, but this one? This is extra special because if it was not for him, Private Garden, and my best friends pushing me I wouldn't be standing in front of you right now. I have the best husband in the world and yall know I'm screaming that to the top of my lungs until the end of time. Thank you DJ Drama for signing me and believing in the little girl from the southside of Atlanta. And my beautiful fans, words cannot even begin to express how much I adore all of you. With that being said, this is only the beginning of many more Grammy wins to come for PG." 

"THAT'S MY BABY SISTER!" Dani yelled as you finished your speech and the crowd erupted in applause. Olivia led the both of you backstage and embraced you before congratulating you again.

You then made your way back out to where everyone was and Urban ran to you before picking you up and spinning you around followed by 2fo, Dani, Nemo, and then Jack.

"No one is more deserving of that award than you." He said before kissing the tip of your nose.

"Well it's your award too since I dedicated it to you and besides half of your name is on it. Thank you so much, baby. If you didn't push me, there's no way I would have done it on my own."

"Like I said, I knew there was something special when I was 14 and saw the cute girl with the braids."

"I just thought about something."

"What mamas?"

"What if they don't have a musical bone in their bodies?"

"Then I'm getting a DNA test."

"JACKMAN! CUT THE SHIT!"

Liked by

jackharlow, danivalentine, druski2funny, urbanwyatt, privategarden, djdrama, saweetie, normani, and 3,901,870 others

y/ninsta: Y/N Y/M/N Harlow, Grammy Winner 🥺🥺🥺

jackharlow: LOOK AT MY BABY GO 😭😭😭

y/ninsta: jackharlow you make my heart go BOOM! 🙈

urbanwyatt: you deserve all that and more, so proud of you!

y/ninsta: urbanwyatt thank you for never letting me give up

lilnasx: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

danivalentine: I always tell you every day how much your hard work will pay off! Look at my baby sister! A Grammy winner!

2forwoyne: I told you this morning that award was yours!

y/ninsta: 2forwoyne you definitely did!

shloob_: don't tell me 2forwoyne is psychic now!

quiiso: 2forwoyne gimme the lottery numbers if you are

y/ninsta: quiiso I don't think he's that well developed in his skills yet lol

yungskylark: y/ninsta yeah the only thing he knows how to do is steal food

2forwoyne: not the 2fo slander on this fine Sunday evening

allthingsy/n: QUEEN!! CONGRATULATIONS!

urbandjack: who else cried during her speech when she dedicated her award to jackharlow?

jackharlowsource: urbandjack ME! They're so cute!

saweetie: so proud of you honey bun! my best friend is a real bad bitch!

y/ninsta: saweetie I love youuuu

jackharlow: y/ninsta BABEEEEEEEE!!!!

y/ninsta: jackharlow yes pookie?

jackharlow: y/ninsta stoppppp you know how I get when you call me that 🙈

y/ninsta: jackharlow aww! still love that I can make you blush after close to eleven years!

claybornharlow: my sister-in-law y/ninsta stepping on necks since '98

druski2funny: y/ninsta jackharlow yall need to sign up for AARP. got damn yall old.

jackharlow: druski2funny lmaooo shut up anyway y/ninsta???

y/ninsta: jackharlow 👀

jackharlow: y/ninsta come here and let me show you how proud I am of you 😏

urbanwyatt: NO. ENOUGH.

jackharlow: urbanwyatt your room isn't even next to ours!

urbanwyatt: jackharlow OH AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER?

jackharlow: urbanwyatt I thought so at least

neelamthadhani: I'm the one you all should feel sorry for 🙄

urbanwyatt: neelamthadhani thanks for being a team player!

Liked by y/ninsta, jackharlow, quiiso, danivalentine, 2forwoyne, urbanwyatt, djdrama, and 1,630,924 others

privategarden: OUR FIRST LADY WON A GRAMMY! The first of many to come for PG! We are so proud of you!

djdrama: so well deserved!! congrats again y/ninsta! I knew you were destined for greatness the first time we met!

y/ninsta: djdrama my make-up has gone to shit tonight because I keep crying lol

urbanwyatt: THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND AND IMMA STICK BESIDE HER!

yungskylark: this is only the beginning for the queen! just wait until yall hear the fire that coming your way

jackharlow: can't believe this gorgeous lady is my wife and has been for five years 😭

y/ninsta: jackharlow and a lifetime to go

quiiso: jackharlow you have been in your simp era since 14 and I have to say that I do love it

2forwoyne: they are definitely going to be buried in the same casket when their time is up 😭

dualipa: 2forwoyne not if I can help it, congratulations cutie pie!

jackharlow: dualipa I will kick your ass if you come in here starting shit

dualipa: jackharlow she's going to be with me and there's nothing you can do about it

jackharlow: dualipa my blow torch has your name on it

y/ninsta: BABY CUT IT OUT!

jackharlow: quiiso she wasn't getting rid of me that easily lmao

claybornharlow: jackharlow I guess not, litle stalker

jackharlow: CLAY CUT THE SHIT!

urbandjack: I feel that there's a story behind that comment

claybornharlow: urbandjack I'll save it for another time lol

jackharlowsource: we love a supportive wife and husband!!

urbandjack: joint album anybody?

maggieharlow: so proud of my daughter! well deserved!!

y/ninsta: maggieharlow thank you mom 🥰

nemoachida: love you mamas! congratulations!

jackharlow: y/ninsta it's only up from here my baby

y/ninsta: jackharlow it sure is because one already has your name on it for next year

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#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow x you #jack harlow concepts #first lady of pg #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow fanfiction

[vibratingskull]

Mermaid!Thrawn chapter 8

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

You look up to the ceiling of your room, wide awake. Tomorrow morning will be a torture to wake up but you can’t stop thinking, your memories playing on repeat.

You roll on your side, covering yourself with the cover and your eyes find the necklace with his decoration laying on your bedside table. You take it to observe it under the moonlight. You can only think of the merman and how he played you. He looked stoic and stern but you’re convinced you heard smugness in his voice. 

Or maybe not…

You’re having a hard time imagining him actually being malicious, but you can’t forgive him for lying to you like that. You purse your lips, making the bracelet roll between your fingers. You sigh deeply, thinking again at that fateful night.

You remained silent, mouth agape and eyes wide open. He tilted his head to you, patiently awaiting your reaction. You were just frozen, your little board and book in hands, like a deer in front of headlights, stopped mid movement.

“Why… You… You can speak my language?” You finally manage to ask after your words crashed several times. “I learned it with fishermen.” He casually responded, seemingly uncaring for your inner turmoil. “But you… I…” All your prior interactions came back to you with full force like you've been run over by a car. 

All the intimate secrets you thought would be safe with a nonverbal sea creature, all your quirks and darkest shades and desires, he understood them all? He knowingly let you reveal your soul, barren before him, and never once tried to stop you?!

“So you understood me when I revealed…” you asked on the verge of dizziness, he slowly nodded and you shivered, shocked. “Oh my god… I think I'm gonna puke.” you muttered, “Rest assured I revealed none of what you told me. I take pride in the trust you have placed upon me.” 

You felt vertigo seize you, your head getting foggy. Oh he never revealed anything? What a Grand Prince, really, you can’t be mad at him now, right? “But why?! Why didn’t you stop me?! Why hide that fact?!” You shouted, baring your teeth as madness took you, “I awaited to know if you were trustworthy.”

Oh? So he has the right to retain infos from you but he will let you reveal your secrets to him no problem? You can’t believe what you're hearing!

“I thought… I thought YOU were trustworthy! I thought we had a connection, something! A bond of mutual trust, but you lied to me!” you exploded, “I understand your anger, but those were parameters outside of my control.”, “You’re disgusting! I thought you would be better than land people, but you’re just as bad!” You threw the book at his head but he evaded easily “Eli was right! You are a monster!”, “I am sorry.” he said softly, maybe conscious he really hurted you. “Sorry won’t cut it! You didn’t even try to stop me when it started to get personal, you let me talk fully knowing I thought you wouldn’t understand!”,  “I needed you to trust me.”, “WHY?!” You screamed.

He suddenly became silent, like he hesitated to tell you. “You can’t do much more damage now, why?!” you gritted your teeth. “We have unfinished business on land, I needed a human to trust and rely on me.”

Oh so he could do much more damage, doesn’t he? “Get out…” you finally let out, “(Y/n).” he tried to appease you, “GET OUT!” you shouted, out of yourself, refusing to look at him.

He slipped out of the bark without any other words, you heard his body enter the water but he stayed here for a second, maybe he wanted to add one last thing, maybe he wanted to change your mind, but you heard him dive into water and disappeared.

You took back the now soaked book and paddled back to the shore, fuming. 

It was supposed to be a magical night, your two friends meeting and laughing all together. But instead you shock one deep in his core and may have lost the other…

You were so mad you slammed all the doors of the house, not caring for your screaming mother demanding what you were doing outside at night like you weren’t a fucking adult! She demolished you the next morning, but it felt sweeter than the feeling of betrayal you felt.

And now, 2 months after, you didn’t come back to the beach, too mad to meet him again. Eli didn’t speak to you since and you didn’t have the heart to come see him at his boat. He will come to you himself when he will be ready, no need to press him.

But you feel the sea calling for you. Each night, as the wind blows it is like a voice is trying to reach you. You bury your head under the pillow but hear a persisting chant, so much you lose sleep. 

Tonight is no exception, you open your eyes suddenly as the first notes reach your window. You pass on your nightgown and go to the garden where you can see the sea shine under the moonshine far away, ocean spray invades your nose and the salt of the sea rubs on your skin. You unmistakingly hear a chanting voice, or rather several as feminine and masculine tones harmonize in the night. Why are you the only one awake? Surely you can’t be the only one hearing the chants? 

You advance to the limits of your garden, binoculars in hands and observe the surface of the ocean. It is still and unmoving, no movement, not even waves. Dead calm. You turn back to your sleepy house, where your parents sleep in different rooms. You go back inside, grab your coat and get on your bike.

It’s 2 am and dead at night, you pedal under the moon and stars, looking at them reflecting on the water. Your slippers slip on the pedals but you keep going forwards, hurtling down the sinuous road along the cliff. You pass in front of the church and realize lights are on. You look at the illuminated vitrails as you fly by, curious.

You soon reach the beach and let your bike fall, walking on the sand with your bare feet, you walk past the barks, past the lighthouse, walking on the damp sand. You pick up little flat rocks and enter the waters, up your ankles. You take your ukulele and start to harmonize with the invisible voices.

They suddenly stop. But not you. You keep playing the melody you heard each night for two months. You do not enter the body of water, if he wants to see you he will have to come to you himself.

Your fingers scrape the cords of your instrument, playing those charming melodies that haunt you. You play for a long time, deciding to sit your butt in the freezing cold black water. 

You pest against yourself. You could not help yourself. Despite his treason you come back to him wanting more, craving his presence. Sometimes you’re too malleable for your own good. But you can't help but crave the sense of adventure rubbing shoulders with a mythical creature give to your life…

You’re so focused in playing the melody you do not notice the blue head with fins-ears slowly piercing the water, its red eyes fixed intently on you, maybe awaiting your consent to approach. When you let your gaze wander you finally notice it and jump off your skin.

Jesus christ!

“You’re a dumbass! Do you always creep on people like that?!” You shout for him to hear. He dives back his head under water only to reappear 5 meters closer to the shore. You frown and shake your head, tutting. 

He carefully swims closer to you, like you could explode in his face at any moment and stops at a respectful distance, looking in your eyes with a silent question.

“Ugh…” You groan and you extend your hand to him and he closes the gap, extending his claw to graze your palm as per usual. He then silently sits next to you, facing the moon shining on the ocean.

“I did not forgive you…” You warn, not even looking at him. “You played me a sick stunt.”, “I am sorry.” He simply responds, “That was necessary.” 

You groan again, pressing your legs to your chest, eyes on the placid water. “Did you make amends with your friend?” He finally asks after several minutes of silence only listening to the ocean. “No.” You admit, “I think he’s avoiding me, now.”, “A shame.”

You purse your lips, biting the inner of your cheek. “So you do chant after all.”, “Do the humans not chant too?” he asks puzzled, “Yes, but mermaid chants are part of legends on land. I was starting to think it was just a fairytale.”, “We indulge in music as many creatures, even if I am not especially fond of it.”. 

You let your gaze travel to his profile, his haughty features fixed on the moving sea, his blue skin shining under the moon and his red eyes burning with a terrible determination. “And what are you fond of?” you ask with a voice shaken with anger. You are still so mad, but you’re also desperately curious about him, but you refuse to appear desperate or eager. “Art.” He responds clearly, like it was an evidence “I am fascinated by art in all its forms. Especially human arts.”, “What?” you snort, “You sack wrecked ships to grow your collection?” you ask sarcastically. “Well, sack is quite a crude word, I prefer to say I gather art pieces that you did not come back to reclaim with your strange machinery.” 

Your eyes open wide. Did he just say that? “So you do steal from wrecks? Oh my god, those are tombs! You can’t do that!” You exclaim incredulously. “I never touched a ship with a corpse inside, nobody does. We let them rest in peace.” He defends with a calm voice. “We?”, “My people.”, “You have a people, you’re an entire species?”, “Did you think I was unique?” he asks with a lopsided small grin, giving you a side glance. “Listen buddy, a year ago you were a Legend creature for me. You made me reconsider a lot of things I took for granted, so cut me some slack. Next week I’ll learn that Bigfoot exists.”, “Bigfoot?”,” A cryptid.”, “I do not know this term.”, “Maybe I will teach you someday.”, “I would appreciate that.” he says softly, your hands almost grazing “All new knowledge is profitable.”, “I will think about it, when I won’t be mad at you.” you hammer down.

Silence came again, but this time it was more comfortable. You feel your indignation is justified but you can’t help but want to forgive him; he’s just so fascinating, it’s a whole ass mermaid after all! You berate yourself! ‘Stop it! You have every right to be mad!’ 

“Why did you need someone on land?” you finally ask. “We have some unfinished business that requires our attention.”, “And you need the help of a human.” You complete, “When I freed you from the nest months ago, that is what you were searching for?” You look at him but he keeps looking straight ahead without responding. You sigh, “Listen, I will help you.” He turns his head to you, with a stoic and calm expression, eyes resolute, “But! I have two conditions” You demand with a raised finger. He simply tilts his head at your words, waiting for you to finish your request. “First off: No more lies, if I discover you have hidden something from me again I’ll drop you off and you’re on your own.”, “I may receive orders contradicting this demand.” He warns, “Then I forbid you from hiding info that would put us in danger mentally or physically or that would soil or dignity!” You insist, remembering all the secrets you revealed to him. You feel your cheeks heating up at that simple thought, “Second : I want to see where you live !”

@blueninjablade3 @al-astakbar @thrawnspetgoose @readinglistfics @pencil-urchin @twilekchiss @ineedazeezee @mssbridgerton @dance-like-russia-isnt-watching @Cortisolcosplay, @obbicrystaleo

☆Tag list

#mermaid au #thrawn #grand admiral thrawn #thrawn x reader #thrawn x you #thrawn x f!reader #mitth'raw'nuruodo

[bebepac]

Tornado Taylor 🌪

I am participating in @choicesflashfics  prompt  # 22  “I am at my wits end with you.”  which will be in bold

I am also participating in @choicesmonthlychallenge prompt:  Can I at least tell my side of the story, which will also be in bold.  

The Book:  TRR (no royals)  Series: Chapter 6:  School Dayz  (link posted if you need to catchup)  Pairings:  Liam x Riley Word Count: 1575 Warning and Ratings:  NONE!   Mood Music Monday Song Imspiration: The Call: Regina Spektor Summary:  Riley gets roped into shenanigans with her sister.

Original Post: 03/04/23 at 9:15PM  EST.

“TELL ME THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW RILEY ANTONIA BROOKS!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!!!”  My father’s voice boomed in anger.

 This was probably the most angry I had seen him in a long time.

‘I didn’t do it! I promise!”  

“I am at my wits’ end with you!”  

Taylor remained silent.

“Taylor!!!!”  I screamed at her. My sister had her look.  Her ‘She’s pleading the 5th look  where she stops answering questions.’  She wouldn’t leave me to hang out to dry like this in something I had no part of…. Would she? Her own sister  - - her identical twin at that.

“Taylor please….”  

“Dad, she said no. She didn't do anything wrong.”

“I don’t believe either of you right now.  We’re leaving.”  

“Dad, no, I already took the written test. I took it!”  Taylor insisted.  

Dad grabbed me by one arm and then Taylor by the other taking us up to the examiner.  

“Are you able to verify which one of these girls  took the written driver’s test?”

The examiner looked from Taylor to myself, and back again,  The both of us were dressed identically, We looked the exact same down to my sneakers.

“No…I can't tell the difference between the two of them.”  

“Didn’t think so, so we won’t be completing this driving test today.”  

You may be asking yourself how I got myself into this predicament.  I have two words for you.  Tornado Taylor.  

I love my sister, I really truly do.  She’s smart and not just another ditsy popular girl.  

If she put as much focus into hair-brained schemes as she put into school, she’d be on the dean’s list right now, like I am, instead of barely on  A / B honor Roll. School came pretty easy to Taylor and if she actually studied…. Like I have to study, she could be running circles around me.

But I’m getting sidetracked. Here’s how Tornado Taylor sucked me up into her vortex.

Three Hours Ago:

I woke up that morning without incident.  Since it was a teacher’s work day and we didn’t have school, my body is used to its routine of  getting up early. I decided to make myself a bowl of cereal  while the house was still quiet.  Afterwards I showered and dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.  

She peeked her head into my room.  

I lounged on my bed streaming the new series that had just debuted on the APP called The Vampires Live On.  I had to share my login with Taylor but at least we watched different things.  It was very rare that the two of us watched the same shows or had to restart a series.  

“Ri, Breakfast.”  

“I already ate.”  

“Oh. You’re already up and dressed?”   Taylor was still in pajamas.  

“Yeah, I’m laying low today.”

“After breakfast Dad’s taking me to the DMV to get my license.”  

“Good Luck!”  

“I don’t need luck, I have a plan.”

I should have taken it as a warning... but I didn’t.   

Two Hours Ago

Hungry from my binge watching I came into the kitchen for a snack finding Jaiden sitting on the couch about to turn on the TV.

He looked at me in an odd way.  

“Hey?”  

“What are you planning on watching?”

“Don’t know yet. What are you watching currently?”

“The Vampires Live On.”  

“Yeah  I heard that’s supposed to be good. You like it?”

“Yeah. You should check it out.  I’m on episode 2 it’s really good.”  

“Noted.”  

“Taylor and Dad are still at the DMV?”  

“Yep, Taylor had one job.  To make her appointment for her driving test and exam and she didn’t. Now they’re waiting to be seen. Of course she blamed the app and not herself.”  

“God… Dad is probably livid.  You know he just hates sitting somewhere waiting.”

“Yep.”

“I’ll be sure not to be around when they get back, he’s going to be grumpy.”  

“Yep.  I’m taking Bebe to the lake.”  

“Have fun.”  

“We will.”

One Hour Ago

I had dozed off binge watching the show and woke up when my phone buzzed.

Taylor: Riley help!

Riley: What’s wrong?

Taylor: Can you come to the DMV right now?

Riley:  Why?

Taylor:  I need you.

Riley:  Why?

Taylor:  I need a tampon. I’m in the bathroom. I’m embarrassed to come out.

Dad, even though he could be grumpy at times,  when it came to “womanly concerns”  as he called them, he had no problem going to buy what we needed and even coming back with our favorite chocolate candy in tow with him without us asking.  He knew I liked kit kats, Taylor, peanut butter cups, and mom likes a bag of bite size snickers. Dad tried to be sensitive to those things.  He had taught Jaiden to be sensitive too, and Jaiden was just like dad in that aspect.

When I didn’t respond Taylor texted again.  

Taylor:  Dad is mad at me because I didn’t make an appointment on the DMV app, and I don’t want to have to send him out to get something else, or he’ll go nuclear. Can you help me please?

Riley: I'll be there in a little bit.

I put on my shoes and  headed down the stairs.

Jaiden perked up when I walked in the room.

"Where are you going?"

"Taylor needs me."

"She's fine with Dad."

"It's a girl emergency.”  

“Oh. You should change though.”  

“No time. I won’t be gone long.”

Jaiden sighed.  Now I think my brother knew exactly what I was walking right into.  Tornado Taylor.

I ran out the door.  It didn’t take me long to get to the DMV,  I went immediately to the bathrooms.  

“Taye?”  

“Last stall.”  

“Well open the door.”  

I was surprised to see Taylor dressed identically to me.

“What are you doing?”

“I banked on the chance you wouldn’t change your clothes.  So funny story.. I need your help for something else.”

“I don’t like where this is going Taye…”  

“So I totally didn’t study for the written test, can you take it for me?”  

“What?   No!!!!”  

“I will totally ace the driving part.”

“Taylor no! This has to be illegal or something. NO! Or the very least identity theft.”

“Theft is a strong word, especially if I’m letting you borrow my identity.”

“That is not how it works Taylor!! Did you even need the tampons? Stupid me of course you didn’t!!!”

There was a knock on the door.  

“Taylor, they called your number, time to take your test.”  

“Okay Dad, I’ll be right out.”  

“Riley come on!!!”  

“No.”  I said in a forced whisper.

“Riley please!?!?!?!”

“NO!!!”

“Then you’re stuck in here until we can sneak you out.”  Taylor commented in a matter of fact way.     I couldn’t believe I got myself roped into Taylor’s shenanigans yet again.  

About thirty minutes later Taylor returned.  

“Dad went to the vending machine to get us drinks.  Let’s get you out before he sees you or your car.”  

I had almost made it to the door out of the DMV when I heard my father’s voice.

“What’s going on here?”

I turned around to face my father.

“Hey Dad.”  

“Riley, what are you doing here?”  

He took a moment to look at the two of us, his face turning bright red.

“Taylor Jeanine Brooks you have three seconds to tell me what’s going on.”  

Taylor smiled her megawatt smile, “So Dad, funny story….”  

“Nope, nevermind, that’s probably going to be a lie. Riley, tell me the truth.”

“Dad…..”

“TELL ME THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW RILEY ANTONIA BROOKS!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!!!”  My father’s voice boomed in anger. This was probably the most angry I had seen him in a long time.

Annnd… we’re back to where you guys came in.  Tornado Taylor got me again.   I could expect nothing less than World War  Brooks when we all got back home.  I was able to drive myself back home, and you know what?  I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for Taylor having to ride all the way home with our father who was as angry as a disturbed hornet’s nest.  

The moment we got home  Jaiden came into the living room when he heard all the commotion.  

“Riley, give me your car keys. You’re grounded.”

“But Dad…. I didn’t do anything.  Can I at least tell my side of the story?”  

“She had no clue what she was walking into Dad. Look at Riley’s phone.”  Jaiden spoke up for me.  

At that moment, I could have completely saved myself  and given my father the phone, but something was stirring in my stomach.  

“Riley, give me your phone.”  

“No.”  

Shocked, Taylor glared at me.  Even though Tornado Taylor was a mess at times, read all the time, I still loved her to the moon and back again.

“I am trustworthy, and if I say I didn’t take the test for her, you should believe me Dad.  Despite the overwhelming data that says we did something shady.  You should believe ME….I’ve never given you a reason not to trust me.  So, if not giving you my phone right now means I’m grounded too,  I guess I will be grounded too.”  

I dropped my car keys on the table and walked upstairs towards my room.  

In the distance I heard the equivalent of my sister falling on the sword for me.  

“Dad, please don’t ground Riley.  She did nothing wrong, this is all my fault.”

From that moment on, the relationship between us changed.  My sister never again saw me as someone she could manipulate to get what she wanted, but let’s be honest, she should have never been looking at me that way in the first place.

#bebepac writes #school dayz #trr au fanfic #trr fanfic #trr fandom #choices fanfiction #liam x riley #choices monthly challenge #choices flashfics #play choices #choices fic writers creations

[thestalwartheart]

Omg, those physical intimacy prompts are all so so good!! How am I supposed to choose one for you to write *insert actual display pic*

So imma be greedy and ask for 1) nose bops and 2) hugs that last longer than they should xD

Thankies and Happy Fest :D

Hello!

Here's your prompt fill for 'hugs that last longer than they should.' I tried to fit nose boops in here, but it seemed Too Much, and I also have a different idea for it.

Posted under the cut and on AO3. You might prefer reading it there as it's quite long (1326 words - I couldn't help myself).

Anyway, here it is! Enjoy 💖

put your arms around me (i'm shitfaced).

“Oh, I’m absolutely trolleyed,” groans Q, holding his head as he approaches his front door. Maybe if he keeps it steady enough, his brain with all its stupid thoughts will stay in his head, and he won’t say anything embarrassing.

Why did Bond have to be the one to get him home? As if the ramifications of drinking tequila with Moneypenny weren’t going to be torturous enough. He’s over thirty. His hangovers last two days. In fact, realistically, this one’s likely to last three. Doesn’t that seem like enough punishment without throwing James bloody Bond into the mix?

“I’d noticed,” says Bond conspiratorially.

He’s got his arm around Q’s waist now. It’s the size of a fucking tree branch. Ridiculous. How did they even get like that? He’s never once seen Bond use the gym, and surely it takes, what? About six hours a day lifting weights and doing that thing where you make the ropes move until they’re all squiggly—

“Battle ropes,” answers Bond, moving Q through the door like he weighs nothing. “Would you believe me if I said the job is exercise enough?”

“Absolutely not, don’t bullshit — oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit. Did I say all that out loud?”

“Some of it. Did you not mean to?” Bond asks, looking far too amused. Q would be annoyed at it, but he really has got a very nice smile. The smile gets wider as soon as Q thinks it, and, oh, he’s going to stop thinking now, lest he say anything else that’ll have him handing in his resignation on Monday.

“Christ,” Bond laughs, “that last mission would have gone a lot easier if the target was this much of a lightweight.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Bond snorts. He deposits Q on the couch and disappears to the kitchen. “Not so witty when you’re blasted, are you?”

“You try being witty after six tequila shots.”

“Three at the most, surely,” Bond teases, handing Q a glass of water. “Though, to be fair, you were probably seeing double by then.”

Q gulps half the water in one go.

“You got there late, too,” he says around a silent hiccup. “You didn’t see the amount of drink Eve foisted on me before the shots.”

“Poured it down your throat, did she? Gave you absolutely no chance to refuse them?”

Q flaps out an annoyed hand in Bond’s direction. God, he hates when people make sensible arguments when he’s drunk. He hates it even more when they’ve got a stupid little smirk and sparkly blue eyes and a very nice shirt that’s got not one but two top buttons undone—

“Where’s your bedroom?”

“Um, what?”

Bond rolls his eyes. “I want to make sure you don’t give yourself a concussion trying to get to bed.”

“Oh,” Q’s face is aflame. He hopes the alcohol making up half his bloodstream is a good enough excuse for it. “Upstairs.”

“All right. Finish your water, and I’ll help you up.”

“I don’t need help—” Q stumbles as he gets up from the couch. One of his traitorous little cats is right at his feet. "Oh, you twat!"

“Clearly. Come on.” Bond’s arm is back on Q’s waist as he guides him towards the staircase.

“I didn't mean that Marvin. You're not a twat, you're a darling.”

“Of course your cat’s named Marvin.”

“It’s ‘cause he’s paranoid,” mumbles Q, distracted by trying to make his feet work on the stairs.

Goodness, he really should give his cats more credit. They do this with four legs every day, bounding up and down like it’s nothing when it’s clearly extremely difficult. And toddlers! How on earth do they manage with their ungainly, chubby little legs? Oh, he really must call in and see the old 004 sometime. He can’t believe she’s got a baby now. Every agent should be able to retire and have babies. Or not, if that’s not what they want. Babies or fur babies, or furless babies. Whatever, they should all be able to retire and drink a million shots of tequila with Moneypenny and die because that’s what’s going to happen to Q if these stairs don’t ever come to a fucking end.

“God, you’re nothing but dead weight,” grunts Bond as they topple over the last. Q apologises, straightening up. The last of the journey to the bedroom is uneventful, and Bond looks around approvingly at Q’s decor before trying to manoeuvre him into his bed. They are right at the edge of it when Q feels an overwhelming urge to do something stupid.

“Wait, Bond.”

“What?” Bond’s still got his hand at Q’s waist.

Q shouldn’t, but Bond’s been so lovely and patient, and Q knows he won’t blab to anyone about this, except maybe Moneypenny, but he’ll likely be blabbing to her himself, so...

Q hugs him.

Bond’s arms settle around his back, warm and heavy. They squeeze with just the right amount of tightness to make Q sigh. Naturally, Bond is an excellent hugger. It’s unfair. People as good-looking and intelligent as him should at least have the decency to be bad at something. But no, he feels delightful pressed up against Q. And it's been a while since Q’s had a hug like this — a full-body affair that makes you want to weep with the comfort of it.

One of Bond’s hands plays with the curls at the nape of Q’s neck, and at some point, Q thinks — though he might already be dreaming — he feels Bond press a light kiss to the side of his neck.

He lost all sense of time about hours ago, so he can’t say how long they stay like that. All he knows is that he doesn’t want it to end, which is foolish. So foolish, because all things end, especially when James Bond is involved.

“Q,” Bond’s soft, deep voice in his ear brings him back to alertness.

“Hm? Sorry.”

“Don’t be. But I think you’re falling asleep.”

“Am I? Ah. That’s embarrassing.”

“More for me, I’d say.” He manhandles Q into bed with a soft smile. “I’ll do a better job of keeping you awake next time.”

“Presumptuous,” says Q. Or he thinks he says it. It’s probably little more than a useless set of consonants.

Bond laughs, pulling the blanket over him and patting Q’s hip like it’s all a job well done. “Goodnight, Q.”

“‘Night, James.”

In the morning, he wakes with more pressure in his head than the Marianas Trench. Of course, there’s also the embarrassment stinging at him like a physical thing. It’s too monumental to deal with, so he spends ten minutes cringing under his pillow before finally convincing himself to sit up. When he does, he finds a bottle of water on his bedside table, accompanied by a brand new packet of ibuprofen and a note with absolutely terrible handwriting. With his headache pounding at his brow, it takes Q whole, seemingly endless, minutes to decipher it.

Nipped out to get breakfast. Bringing back a full English, so I hope you’re not vegan. J.

Q laughs. It makes his whole brain hurt, but he doesn’t give a shit; he laughs until he snorts. Relieved beyond belief, he downs some ibuprofen and guzzles the entire bottle of water before he goes to have a shower. The water doesn’t even make a dent in his dehydration levels, which feels like the cruellest hit this morning has dealt him. Still, he feels he can deal better with it now that the crippling mortification has lessened a bit.

In truth, none of his usual hangover cures work quite so well as the knowledge that Bond is likely downstairs flipping bacon and sausages in Q’s tiny, cluttered kitchen. It’s an image Q can’t wait to see in reality, and he speeds through his shower to ensure he doesn’t miss it.

He wonders if he’ll get another hug. Maybe. Hopefully.

Last night’s didn’t feel long enough.

#00q #00q fic #my fic #007 fest #007 fest 2022 #teamcivilian

[mvrsverse]

ATEEZ Cosplayers AU

Chapter I: Crunching before launching

...

Mingi couldn’t sleep.

No matter how hard he tried, every time he managed to doze off, an awful clatter of an old sewing machine jumping and banging against his flat mate’s desk immediately woke him up. He was squirming in his bed for almost 2 hours now, wishing for electricity to go down or just anything that could save him really.

“Ugh, this is pointless” he growled under his breath and got up reluctantly.

He reached out for his phone and rubbed his eyes while trying to look at the lock screen clock, refusing to believe it’s already 3am. He started walking towards the kitchen, slow enough to lurk through the half-opened door of his flatmate’s room. He stopped there and decided to enter the dragon’s lair and put an end to the symphony of agonizing noises.

 

“How about you just call it a day Hongjoong? It’s 3 am already and at this point the sounds of your sewing machine will haunt me in my nightmares... that is if I’ll ever be able to fall asleep today” said Mingi in such a manner you couldn’t tell if this was supposed to be a joke or not.

A blue haired boy was so focused that it took him a hot minute to even acknowledge that his friend was standing at his doorstep, squinting his eyes expecting any kind of reaction from him. He let go of the pedal of his sewing machine and frowned, trying to make sense of what Mingi just said to him, as if he did it in a different language.

Mingi’s expression softened. “Are you ok? You really shouldn’t overwork yourself like this” he said, sounding concerned.

“I’m sorry, I  was just so focused I didn’t realize you were there until you finished speaking to me” said Hongjoong, turning the chair towards Mingi and taking off his glasses. “I’m almost finished, I promise.”

“You said that when I checked up on you the last time, which was like 3 hours ago!”

“I know, but I really thought I was about to finish it at the time! But then I realized that my costume isn’t puffy enough so I’ve decided to add more tulle to it. I couldn’t just ignore it!” his eyes suddenly sparked and he started gesticulating intensively, looking like he was trying to desperately sell an idea that didn't make any sense.

“You’re unbelievable” Mingi blinked in disbelief. “You won a contest with this costume last year! It’s perfect as is!”

“I know, but…” Hongjoong stopped, looking away at the mess he did while working on his costume tonight “… you know we are going to have a cosplay booth with Seonghwa and I just want my costume to look amazing for the people who will come by to support us” he played with his fingers and looked back at Mingi with a shy, almost sad smile.

Mingi moved towards Hongjoong’s bed and sat there, without breaking eye contact with  his friend.

“Come here, take a break” he patted the bed sheet right next to him.

Hongjoong sighed and joined him. He looked even more tired up close. His eyebags had another eyebags and his shirt needed to go on a date with a washing machine asap.

“I’m not going to stop you from an all-nighter, we are living together for long enough for me to know better” Mingi laughed softly to what Hongjoong responded with a small, embarrassed chuckle.

“I’m not a cosplayer but I think your costume is really great” he stopped until Hongjoong looked at him again “you’re one of the best cosplayers I’ve ever known, seriously! There’s a reason why people still call you Hongruella a year after the debut of this costume!” Mingi grabbed and shaked Hong’s arm enthusiastically.

“Thanks, Mingi,” he answered quietly. “I know this costume is good but I’m just stressed because it’s been almost a year since I wore it and now that I took it out of the box I see so many small things that could’ve been fixed or done better. I know that it’s probably just me though… I hope Seonghwa wouldn’t mind if I leave it like that” he shrugged.

Mingi’s eyes widened as he started laughing again. “SEONGHWA?! Please, he’s basically your number one fan, of course he wouldn’t mind! What he will mind though is seeing you this tired tomorrow so go and get some rest already if Hwa is who you really are concerned about!”

Hongjoong nodded with an expression on his face that Mingi couldn’t really decipher. He stood up, patting Mingi’s back. “Alright, you won, I’m gonna take a shower and go to sleep, '' he said, already heading towards the bathroom and waving from behind. “Goodnight!” his voice echoed from the hallway.

“Goodnight!” Mingi answered with relief and went back to his own bed. He was laying there for a couple of minutes and when the much awaited dreamland started embracing him, he heard the sewing machine clatter again… But this time he was too tired to let himself be bothered by it and finally fell asleep.

_______

Okay that all for chapter 1! I wrote that back in March but forgot to post it here 🗿

Basically the idea is that (since I'm bad at writing but also I'm too lazy to draw an actual comic) I'm going to draw an illustration for each chapter and add a little bit of a story to it 💖 Please keep in mind that English isn't my first language so there are some errors for sure, but I still want to share my AU with u guys anyway!

When it comes to the story, there will be some romance but it won't be a main focus of plot. Also I'm not comfy writing smut so it's not going to happen either jhdjsjjd

In this AU I want to focus on depicting the good and bad in cosplay community or any creative community really. I also want to explore both the complexity of each character and the relationships(both platonic and romantic) between them.

I'll probably update the story in September because I'm finishing my thesis this month so I'm busy af 💀 but yeah I'll draw another illustration and maybe revive my cyberpunk kpop Artipolis AU too

#art #szokser #kpop fanart #kpop #ateez mingi #Ateez #hongjoong ateez #song mingi #kim hongjoong #park seonghwa #fanfic #ateez fanart #ateez fanfic #alternate universe #Cosplay #Cosplayers #Ateez cosplayers AU

[kahran042]

Some incorrect quote templates, complete with sources!

Feel free to use them as you wish.

A: This is B, my…child’s sibling. (Source: American Dad!)

A: I am not here to amuse you! B: Then please stop being so funny. (Source: Animaniacs)

A: I don't need no instructions to know how to rock! (Source: Aqua Teen Hunger Force)

A: B, are you gay? B: The correct term is lesbian! Uh, not that I'm a lesbian!! (Source: Azumanga Daioh)

A: So, what do you think of B? I'm pretty sure he's into you. C: B's my brother. A: Ohhh, I was wondering why you both said "Bye, Mom" to the same lady. Still, there's something there… (Source: Bob's Burgers)

A: The fact that B and C don't have girlfriends is one of the seven wonders of this school. (Source: Cardcaptor Sakura)

A: Don't be such a wet party blanket. B: Do you mean party pooper or wet blanket? A: Both. (Source: ChalkZone)

A (to B): To tell you the truth, I like drinking tea and eating fresh vegetables, but that doesn't fit my super cool image. I guess I just have to accept this about myself. (Source: Earthbound)

A: Do you know what the capital of this state is? B: Um, (state) City? (Source: Family Guy)

A: As you may presently, yourself, fully be aware of, my grammar sucks. (Source: Family Guy)

A: *grabs B's crotch* This is mine. This is where my babies come from. (Source: Family Guy)

A: B… they could be my friend if they weren't my enemy. (Source: Final Fantasy VI)

A: B! Wait!!! B: "Wait," he says… do I look like a waiter? (Source: Final Fantasy VI)

A: I have nothing to say. B: That's okay, it was probably depressing anyway. (Source: Final Fantasy VII)

A: What am I supposed to say about other people's problems? B: I'm not asking you to say anything. I just want you to listen. A: Then go talk to a wall. (Source: Final Fantasy VIII)

A: We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. B: You mean, like…what girls do? (Source: Gravity Falls)

A: Me? Sad? No way! Sadness is for softies, and I'm one happy dude! (Source: Monster Rancher)

A: All’s fair in love and war, and I don’t believe in love. (Source: Monster Rancher)

A: I don’t really hate B. I just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really dislike him. (Source: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) A: Don't you think you're being a bit possessive of your brother? B: I am not being possessive, and I am not taking it out on C! (Source: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)

A: You gotta believe! (Source: PaRappa the Rapper)

A: A birthday party without a cake is like a dance floor without me! (Source: PaRappa the Rapper)

A: I think B hates me now. C: Of course she does. You didn't eat her cooking. A: Thanks for rubbing it in. C: Well, maybe she doesn't hate you that much. (Source: PaRappa the Rapper 2)

A: B, you're not a bad person. No matter how hard you try. (Source: Saiyuki: Journey West)

A: Fear is a stupid emotion. (Source: Suikoden II)

A: B makes graves for fish after he eats them. He's already got over 100 in the backyard. (Source: Suikoden II)

A: B is so happy when he's together with C. I can't stand to look at it! (Source: Suikoden II)

A: Good morning, B! How do you feel? B: Need coffee. Keep away. (Source: Super Mario RPG)

A: It's a ridiculous idea, but ingenious at the same time. (Source: Sword Art Online)

A cast a sexy look! B is immobilized! (Source: Terranigma)

A: Crap! I promised B I'd go out with her today. I am the most evil man in the Three Kingdoms! (Source: Tokimeki Memorial)

A (to B): You're funny, but keep it up and you'll piss me off. (Source: Xenogears)

#incorrect quotes #long post

[book-readers-things-and-posts]

MY FAVORITE THE CRUEL PRINCE QUOTES: There are spoilers you have been warned;

1. 'If I cannot be better than them, I will become so much worse.'

2. 'Most of all, I hate you because I think of you. Often. It's disgusting, and I can't stop.'

3. 'But kissing Locke never felt the way that kissing Cardan does, like taking a dare to run over knives, like an adrenaline strike of lightning, like the moment when you've swum too far out in the sea and there is no going back, only cold black water closing over your head.'

4. 'There’s always something left to lose.'

5. 'Because you’re like a story that hasn’t happened yet. Because I want to see what you will do. I want to be part of the unfolding of the tale.'

6. 'Instead of being afraid, I could become something to fear.'

7. 'Father, I am what you made me. I’ve become your daughter after all.'

8. 'Let's have a toast. To the incompetence of our enemies.'

9. 'Nice things don’t happen in storybooks,” Taryn says. “Or when they do happen, something bad happens next. Because otherwise the story would be boring, and no one would read it.'

10. 'I have lied and I have betrayed and I have triumphed. If only there was someone to congratulate me.'

11. 'I am going to keep on defying you. I am going to shame you with my defiance. You remind me that I am a mere mortal and you are a prince of Faerie. Well, let me remind you that means you have much to lose and I have nothing. You may win in the end, you may ensorcell me and hurt me and humiliate me, but I will make sure you lose everything I can take from you on the way down. I promise you this is the least of what I can do.'

12. ' So I am to sit here and feed you information,” Cardan says, leaning against a hickory tree. “And you’re to go charm royalty? That seems entirely backward.”

I fix him with a look. “I can be charming. I charmed you, didn’t I?”

He rolls his eyes. “Do not expect others to share my depraved tastes.'

12. 'What could I become if I stopped worrying about death, about pain, about anything? If I stopped trying to belong? Instead of being afraid, I could become something to fear.'

13. 'That’s what comes of hungering for something; you forget to check if it’s rotten before you gobble it down'

14. 'I love my parents' murderer; I suppose I could love anyone.'

15. ' There you are," Cardan says as I take my place beside him. "How has the night been going for you? Mine has been full of dull conversation about how my head is going to find itself on a spike.'

16. 'Before, I never knew how far I would go. Now I believe I have the answer. I will go as far as there is to go. I will go way too far.'

17. 'Desire is an odd thing. As soon as it’s sated, it transmutes. If we receive golden thread, we desire the golden needle.

18. 'He's flint, you're tinder.'

19. 'But I will not stand in front of your happiness. I will not even stand in front of misery that you choose for yourself'

20. 'We don't need to be good. But let's try to be fair.'

21. 'I am tired of caring,” I say. “Why should I?”

“Because they could kill you!”

“They better,” I say to her. “Because anything less than that isn’t going to work.'

22. 'The odd thing about ambition is this: You can acquire it like a fever, but it is not so easy to shed.'

23. 'Cardan looks at me as though he's never seen me before. He looks at me as though no one has ever spoken to him like this. Maybe no one has.'

24. 'You really do want me,' I say, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath as it hitches. 'And you hate it.'

25. 'Show your power by appearing powerless.'

26. 'He rises from the throne. “Come, have a seat.” His voice is replete with danger, lush with menace. The flowering branches have sprouted thorns so thickly that petals are barely visible.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” he asks. “What you sacrificed everything for. Go on. It’s all yours.'

[of-house-atreides]

He Said, She Said | Part 1

Summary: You've been friends with Steven for three months and things start to get interesting one night after he tells you he was two days late for a date...

Pairing: Steven Grant x reader / Marc Spector x reader

Words: 2185

A/N: Please, note that I am French so there might be some mistakes here and there. Not beta read. Barely proof read. I wrote this as a way to get out of my writer's block and since this was supposed to be a one shot and it turned into a three part series I guess it worked.

Warnings: mentions of rape

Masterlist

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

The delicious smell of well-cooked rice and vegetables and dumplings and all around Chinese food came to slowly mix with the usual smell of books and rain and loneliness that dominated Steven’s flat. Your smile and your jokes and your giggles filled the room, chasing away the darkness from the apartment, shining brighter than the little natural light that occasionally made its way from the cloudy London sky and into the flat. It almost made him forget he hadn’t had a decent night of sleep in the past week. Almost made him forget about that insane dream in the Alps. About the voice in his head.

You fell back against the sofa as you burst out laughing, breaking the box of ramen you were holding in your left hand. You wrapped your fingers around the sticks in your right hand as you brought it to your lips, trying not to spill out the food in your mouth. You could hear Steven laughing next to you, you felt his breath on your face. Your eyes were closed as you tried to calm down so you could swallow your food before you choked on it. Steven wouldn’t stop talking. He wouldn’t stop making you laugh. He loved to see you laugh.

“It’s true. I’m the worst.”

“Shut up,” you chuckled,” you’re not the worst Steven, she’s an idiot.”

“Two days late. She’s right to be crossed.”

“She’s an idiot.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” he asked with an amused smile.

He was sitting close to you, his shoulder resting against the back of the sofa, looking down at you with his big bright brown eyes.

“I’d have joined you.”

He scoffed. “No, you wouldn’t have. No one would have.”

“I’d have asked if you were okay!” you protested. “Steven, you lost two days!”

He sighed. “Yeah, yeah I know…”

“You need to talk to someone about this,” you told him as you looked up at him, the mood switching instantly from humorous to serious. “I’m worried about you.”

And you were. And so was he, although he had tried to joke about it, maybe tried to fool you into believing it didn’t scare the hell out of him.

“They’ll lock me up.”

“You have a sleeping disorder, Steven. You’re not a danger to others, or yourself.”

He grimaced as you said it. Was he not a danger to himself?

“What about you? How’s work?”

You shifted uncomfortably on the sofa as he asked, turning your attention back on the food in your hand.

“It’s fine,” you simply said, and although your tone indicated you didn’t want to talk about it, that was the exact reason why he wanted to.

“Did he do it again?”

“No.”

“What did HR say?”

“He denied it. There’s nothing they can do.”

“That’s bollocks!”

“It’s fine…”

“Did he do anything?”

You stared at the remaining cold pasta at the bottom of the box perhaps with as much intensity as he was staring at you, waiting for an answer. He called your name, insisting you answer him.

“He called me a delusional whore…” you said quietly, as if you didn’t want him to hear it.

“Bastard!”

“It’s fine, Steven,” you shrugged it off as you put the box and sticks down on the coffee table before you. “Maybe I am… maybe he didn’t do it on purpose, I don’t…”

“Stop it. You know what he did. He knew what he was doing.”

“It’s fine. I’m thinking of quitting anyway…”

“What? But you love your job!”

“Yeah… I just… I don’t feel safe there anymore. Everyone looks at me like the girl who cried rape for attention… everybody believes him…”

“You can’t quit your job, it’s your dream job!”

“I’ll find another. There are many publishing houses in London…”

“Right, well, you’re brilliant, they’ll line up to hire you.”

You smiled sadly as you nodded. “Yeah… what about you? How’s your job?”

“Well, it’s not my dream job…”

“They’re idiots too, you know? You’d be the greatest tour guide.”

A similar smile to yours formed on his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

You sat together in silence as you often did, not feeling compelled to say anything as you both enjoyed each other’s company. Like a balm soothing an opened wound. Pain killers. Only for as long as you were together.

He called your name softly, quietly, it was barely audible but you heard it. You turned your head slightly towards him, waiting for more.

“Would you really have come?”

“Come where?”

“To the restaurant.”

“Oh. Yeah,” you nodded. “I mean, I would’ve reached out before then. To check up on you. I know you’re not the type of guy to stand a girl up on a date.”

“Yeah… you know me pretty well, don’t you?”

“We’ve been spending a lot of time together since you ran into me three months ago,” you teased.

“Yeah, I’m your weird clumsy neighbor you can’t escape…”

“You’re not weird Steven,” you said, then thought better of it. “Actually, you are weird. But in a good way.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, you’re not like other men. You’re sweet.”

“You think I’m sweet?”

“You are. I don’t think I’ve met anyone like you before… you’re just… so sweet. You make me feel safe.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “You make me feel safe too. Sane.”

“You’re not crazy, Steven,” you told him as you cupped his cheek with a hand. “You just need a little help.”

You brushed a strand of hair away from his forehead as you gave him a comforting smile. He looked back at you, searching in your eyes for the certainty of his sanity. But all he found was you. And he loved it. His eyes fell on your lips, and he couldn’t stop himself as he leaned to press his mouth against yours.

You welcomed the kiss, his touch liberating you, as if you had been holding your breath all this time and he was finally allowing you air. But, to your dismay, he took it all back just as quickly.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t’ve, I should’ve…”

“Steven,” you cut him off firmly, and he froze, staring at you with apologetic eyes, and you could see he was afraid he had scared you off. “I’ve been waiting for three months for you to kiss me.”

His eyes grew big and he gave you a puzzled look. He shivered suddenly as he could feel the voice in his head roll his eyes, as if that was a sane thing to experience. You looked at him as you waited expectantly, and he felt the mysterious man in his head grow irritated.

“Just kiss her!”

“Right, yeah, okay,” he nodded, hoping he could shake the voice away, as he leaned over.

You met him halfway, crashing your lips against his, seizing the collar of his shirt in a tight grip. You opened your mouth to him, you didn’t know why or how, it was an instinctive move. You had no idea what you were doing, and it seemed neither did he. His hands floated in the air, unsure what to do with them. You let go of his shirt and placed your hands on his cheeks as you moved to kneel on the sofa. You were towering over him as it seemed he was making himself smaller somehow, for some reason.

“What are you doing?” the voice came back, exasperated. Steven tried his best to ignore it. He wasn’t going to allow it to ruin this moment. He had been waiting for it for three months too. “Touch her!”

His hands moved, but without his consent, and found your waist. He expected you to react to his touch, to push you away, but you only leaned into him more, so he brought you against him with a force he didn’t know he had. You moaned against his mouth as he moved his lips against yours in a move that felt natural and familiar, like he had done it before, but he couldn’t remember when or with whom.

“Steven,” you murmured as you broke the kiss to get some air.

“Ye-yeah?”

“D-do you… want to…” you started but stopped yourself, turning your head towards his bed instead of using your words, hoping he would get the message. You felt your cheeks warm red.

“Oh-oh! Um… do you?”

You looked down at where your knees met with his thigh as you put your hands over his and nodded shyly.

“I just…” he started, but paused, embarrassment taking over him and crushing his hopes and desire for you with powerful insecurity. “I never…”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I haven’t either…”

“Really?” he asked quickly, as he frowned with surprise. You were beautiful and smart and absolutely amazing, the most wonderful woman he had ever met. He couldn’t believe no man had seen it before he had.

“Yeah…” you breathed as you sat back on your heels, a surge of shame taking over you, making you want to hide, to disappear out of his sight.

“Okay… that’s okay. We can… try… together. If… that’s what you want.”

“I think… I’d like to…”

“Okay, okay,” he nodded… he kept nodding… and frowning… trying to take in the information, trying to figure out what to do next. “Um…”

“Do you… have… um…”

“What?”

“Do you have… protection?”

He thought for a second, before he realized what you meant, then frowned with disappointment.

“No, I don’t. Do you?”

“Yeah I think…” you stopped as you felt yourself blush. “My sister gave me some as a joke when I first told her about you,” she chuckled with embarrassment.

“Right,” he breathed out a laugh. “Wait… you told your sister about me?”

“And she gave her condoms as a result,” the voice chuckled. “Do not ruin this,” he then continued with a strict tone.

“I’ll… I’ll go get it.”

“Right, yeah, yeah, yeah,” he said as he let go of your waist.

You looked back at him sheepishly and he nodded and smiled in awkward encouragement. You almost ran into the coffee table and fall over as you stepped forward but you managed to find your balance.

“I’ll… be right back.”

He watched you walk away from him and exit his flat and remained sat in his sofa with an empty mind, in absolute shock about what had just happened. But a terrifying thought crossed his mind suddenly, a reminder screaming at him horrifyingly.

The restraints.

He jumped out of the couch and onto his feet and quickly made his way to the pillar at the end of his bed where the restraints were hanging from.

“Oh God, oh God,” he panicked as he wondered how he was going to conceal them. They weren’t meant to be removed. In fact, they were meant to remain exactly right where they were.

“Steven?”

“Ah!” he shouted as you startled him.

You were standing there, a few feet away from him. You were holding a condom. He was holding ankle restraints.

“It’s not what you think,” he quickly said.

“What do I think?”

He stared at you without a word, then looked down at the restraints before throwing them away from him. Well, as far away as they could be thrown, given they were attached to the pillar he was standing next to.

“I sleepwalk. I’m a sleepwalker. I walk when I sleep.”

“You… you tie yourself to your bed?”

“Yeah,” he gave you an awkward smile before fear took over his features. He prayed you would understand.

“Oh, Steven,” you breathed. “That can’t be comfortable.”

You stepped towards him and he watched in awe as you took his hand in yours and cupped his cheek with the other.

“Let’s get you a nice night of sleep, okay?” you whispered softly with a tender smile.

He frowned as he tilted his head to the side, his eyes searching into yours for sincere mercy.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” he chuckled sadly.

You nodded before you discarded the condom on his nightstand. You gently pulled him towards his bed and he let you guide him. You asked if you could borrow a shirt and he was more than happy to provide one to you. And when you joined him in bed, you welcomed him into your arms and he gratefully embraced you, wrapping his arms around you as he laid his head on your middle. You started running your fingers in his hair, hoping it would soothe him enough to allow him to fall asleep in no time.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a while.

“For what?”

“That’s… not how the night was supposed to go.”

You chuckled. “It’s okay. This is nice too.”

“Yeah. Yeah it is.”

And he closed his eyes as he tightened his hold on you, praying he’d wake up the next morning with you still in his bed.

But when he woke up, he wasn’t hugging you, but he had his face buried in a pillow. And the smell of cold Chinese food had gone, replaced by the delicious smell of a good homemade breakfast.

#moon knight #stevan grant #marc spector #fanfic #marc spector x reader #imagine #reader #you #reader insert #steven grant x reader #steven grant x you #marc spector x you #oc #marc x you #marc x reader #steven x you #steven x reader

[demonsandmischief]

Something Special

Marvel - Bucky Barnes Imagine

Bucky Barnes x Female Reader,

Soulmate AU

1.6k Words

You can meet your soulmate in your dreams but you can't speak to them and you lose most memory when you wake up, but for some reason your soul mate has never met you there. You're certain they don't exist, until one day.

A/N: I imagine this taking place during TFATWS :).

----

"What do you mean you've never met your soulmate in your dreams?" Sam Wilson asked his friend Bucky.

"I have nightmares, Sam. That is no place for them to be," Buck argued, taking a rag to wipe the blood off of his vibranium arm.

"But they probably think you're dead."

"It's just better off that way," the stoic man finished, his steely eyes meeting Sam's.

"I don't think you're willing to admit that you are scared to try," Sam said, his voice dropping to a softer tone as he leaned forward.

Bucky sighed. "Of course I'm scared. I am not what anybody wants for a lifelong partner," he whispered, dragging his flesh hand down his face.

"Bucky, that's not your choice to make." He stood up, walking away to let him think it over.

Bucky had heard stories of how people meet their soulmate in dreamland. It was a common occurance, but when he had first tried during World War II, he never got a response. There was no way he could even have one now. He was 106 years old after all.

Yet, when he went to bed that night, he decided to push his thoughts aside and focus on calling for you.

You had been waiting for your soulmate to meet you, but it had been years and never once did you hear anything back. You just figured you didn't have one.

Until that night as you were drifting to sleep, it was like a tingling sensation that drew you in. Your eyes were closed, yet it was like following a rope deeper into the darkness of your head.

At the end, was a man. He was tall and stern, and even though you were dreaming, you could feel his presence.

His facial expression remained masked when he saw you, but even you could see his dark eyes widen slightly. You couldn't believe it, after all this time. You searched his body for any distinguishable features, but only found a blurring image. It was going too fast and you were already waking up.

Bucky couldn't believe he saw you on his first try. Plus, seeing you meant no nightmares. Instead, he had a new longing to look for you, and when he woke the following morning he scrambled to write something down before he lost it.

"Shit," he groaned miserably, only managing to write down brown eyes. Most of the population has brown eyes.

"Someone's in a mood," Sam grinned when he caught sight of Bucky's deep frown, deeper than usual that is. He took another bite of toast. "We've got to move on this next lead. Be ready in five."

"Seriously, what's up with you?" Sam asked genuinely when they both were on the plane ready for their next destination.

"I took your advice-"

"Wait, wait. You took my advice?" Sam smiled widely.

"Yeah I took your advice," Bucky said sharply. "And I saw my soulmate, but I can't remember anything about her."

"You know that's just part of the gimmick. You'll figure out a way, Buck," he said sincerely, standing up.

Bucky couldn't be sure. If he dragged this out for too long, there was a possibility that you would find out who he was and never want to meet him. He wouldn't blame you for that.

---

You felt like you were floating in clouds the whole day. For your entire life, you had seen people meet their person, and as you got older, you realized that the chances of you not having that were becoming greater than actually meeting them.

You didn't know what had changed, but you spent the entire day trying to come up with a plan to finally meet the handsome man you saw in your dreams.

You couldn't remember much. You tried to write or sketch him when you woke up, but all you got was blue eyes.

You wondered if you appeared to him in the same clothes you slept in, and if so, maybe you could fold a note in your pocket. You weren't sure you would even be able to remember it was there. Either way, it was worth a try.

The following night you were so excited you were certain you weren't going to be able to sleep, but you managed, and sure enough there was your broody man.

He gave a wave. His lips twitched up slightly, brightening all of his sharp features.

You reached into the pocket of your sweatshirt. You didn't know why, but you had the longing to do so, and you pulled out a small sheet of paper.

You stepped closer to the man, and placed the paper in his palm.

Y/N, Y/L/N, Your Address

Bucky didn't know how he managed to remember all of that once he woke up. He stared down at the scribbled piece of paper in wonder. Could it really be?

You were probably better off without him. He had not been a good man for most of his life, and you deserved more than him.

That's how Sam found him, sitting on the floor lost in thought, the paper scrunched in his fist.

Bucky relaxed his hand so his friend could see the writing. Sam blew out air, and sat down in front of him.

"What are you waiting for?" he asked as gently as possible.

"She deserves so much better than me."

"You can't decide that for her, Buck. You've kept her waiting long enough." Sam stood up, but spoke once more. "I'll get the plane ready if you change your mind. I think we both deserve a detour."

----

You were on pins and needles the whole day. You truly wondered if your man got the message or not. You could just vaguely remember holding his hand, which means you must have given the paper, but you couldn't be sure. You were just willing someone to knock on your door.

Yet, as the day passed you grew less and less confident. If he remembered the note, surely he would have tracked you down by now. Unless he didn't actually want to track you down. Your thoughts were a swirling mess.

You didn't have any dreams that night. You woke up in cold sweat, a sinking feeling forming in your stomach. You felt nauseous. Was it you who ruined everything? Maybe he knew who you were already and decided to pass.

You weren't sure you had the energy to get up and go to work, but you forced yourself to start moving. Your thoughts were only going to get worse.

----

The two men were quite far from the states and Bucky couldn't stop thinking as they made the long trek. For once, these thoughts were not dark flashbacks, they were a bit hopeful. What if she accepted him?

He felt bad that he couldn't sleep. He desperately wanted to see the girl of his dreams, but it just wasn't going to happen. Even Sam kept unusually quiet.

When they finally landed, it was evening, and the pair parted ways. Bucky would finish the journey alone and he was a nervous wreck, even though all of his emotions remained masked.

When he arrived at the address, he took a deep breath and knocked on the door... except there was no answer. He considered his options. He could have messed up the address, or maybe you gave him a fake one. What was he supposed to do now?

He was so lost in thought, he didn't even notice you pulling in.

Your heart fluttered in your chest as you saw the handsome man standing on your doorstep. All of the dreams you had forgotten came rushing forward.

"Hi," you greeted timidly. He was huge up close, definitely taller than you. He wore mostly black, leather gloves on his hands. His features were sharp and familiar from the dream.

He flashed a nervous smile that only lasted a second before his face went blank once more, "I was worried I had the wrong place."

"Yeah, sorry, I was at work," you said, shuffling a bit as the silence consumed you. You had dreamt of this moment, literally, yet you didn't know what to say.

"I'm Bucky," he said, his tone much softer as he looked at you, soaking you in.

"It's great to finally meet you. I'm Y/N, but you know that," you blushed. "Do you want to come in? I can make dinner or we can order something?"

"Okay," he nodded, following you inside. You realized he was very stern and very observant. Combined with your quiet and shy personality, you were quite a match.

"Do you want something to drink?" you asked from the kitchen, pulling ingredients to throw something together for you both to eat.

"No, but thanks." Bucky sat on the stool by the island unsure of what to say or do, but he enjoyed watching you. There was something very positive about you and your home. It felt good.

"Can I ask about the gloves?" you ask curiously, throwing some chicken in a hot pan.

It seemed like you didn't know who he was. He slowly pulled off his gloves, revealing his metal hand.

"Woah, cool," you said, moving closer. "Can I touch it?"

Bucky furrowed his brows, "I guess."

You couldn't help yourself. It was so smooth and shiny, and you giggled happily.

"I guess you can't feel it," you said, reaching for his flesh hand and tracing just like you were on the metal.

He couldn't have been happier to have the stupid arm at that moment. He loved hearing your laugh, and feeling your fingertips gave him goosebumps. His shadowed mind seemed almost calm in your presence, and he knew just from being around for a short time that you were going to be his addiction.

You dropped his hand, meeting his beautiful blue eyes. Your lips quirked automatically, and you were relieved to know the tension was finally broken.

----

A/N: aw yay I love this. Here's part 2 :))

#bucky barnes #bucky imagine #sebastian stan #marvel imagine #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky x reader #sam wilson #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws imagine #tfatws #soulmate au #bucky barnes soulmate au #james buchanan barnes #bucky fluff #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian Stan #sam wilson imagine

[i-cant-sing]

Promise: Yandere Godfather Hawks x Todoroki reader

This is a side story takes place in the YRHR series, after part 1, when the reader returns home, blind.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

"Y/n... Come on, wake up. Its 9 already." You heard him say, feeling the bed dip as he sat on it, gently touching the back of your shoulder. "Aren't you hungry? Mom's making your favourite."

When you gave no response, Shotou pulled the covers away from your face, his brows furrowing at the bandages around your eyes that had loosened up. You had did that, clawing at the meticulously tight knot Natsuo had done; you didn't like how it settled on your eyes.

"You're awake, right?" The only answer he got was you turning your cheek further away from him when he tried to caress it. Shotou didn't like your silence and he missed it when you used to ramble about almost anything to him. He missed when you were happy.

The door bell rang.

Shotou looked at his watch confused. Wasn't Natsuo supposed to come around at 11? He could hear Enji walking to the main door, and after a few seconds of silence, he heard footsteps coming towards your room. But then he heard some scuffling, and people talking- he recognised Enji's and Dabi's voices, his brother's getting louder by the second.

"I'll check who's there. Stay."

Stay? You would've rolled your eyes if, you know, you still had them.

A few more minutes passed and you could hear Dabi arguing with someone, and you think that Shotou is trying to calm him down. Deciding to take advantage of the situation, you got up from the bed. For the past whole month, Shotou would come to wake you up everyday, carrying you in his arms to the bathroom, never letting you walk on your own, claiming "you'll get hurt".

Idiot.

Taking one small step at a time, you stretched your arms out trying to reach the wall. Once you felt the cold, smooth surface, you used it to guide you towards the door.

No matter what you did, or how many times you told them to back off, that you can do this on your own, they wouldn't let you. Hell, you were pretty sure that if they could, they would breathe for you too. As if trying to instil in your mind that you're helpless without them, incapable of making your own decisions.

I'll show them how fucking capable I am.

After stubbing your toe only once, you finally reached the door, your hand gripping the metal knob. You placed your ear on the door, trying to figure out who and where everyone is standing. The corridor seemed empty and you think everyone is downstairs.

Opening the door, you used another wall to guide you towards the stairs. You hoped Shotou doesn't see you; he'd throw a hissy fit at you attempting to walk down the stairs.

As you took one careful step at a time, you heard the commotion grow louder. You could hear Dabi yelling profanities at the other person, certainly not Enji because Rei or Fuyumi would've stepped in by now to stop him. You used to stop him too, but ever since what happened, you don't really care anymore.

"Why the fuck are you even here?! She doesn't fucking want to see you!"

"Dabi-!"

"And who is gonna stop me? You? I'd be happy to knock you down on your ass- its about goddamn time!"

"Hawks!"

Hawks?

Hawks.

Hawks!

You almost stumbled down the last few steps, but you needed to know- was he, was he really here?

"K-Keigo?"

You heard his wings flap before you felt him, the wind gushed at your body strongly, making you lose your balance. But muscular arms wrapped around you before you could fall, and the winged hero lifted you up and spun you around, making you burst into laughter.

Rei was the first one to cry.

You laughed.

Not a bitter, sarcastic one.

A genuinely happy laugh.

And she missed her baby's laugh so much.

Dabi's eyes widened slightly. His heart clenching up a bit as he realised how he missed that beaming look on your face. He realised how fucking naive you were, how you were his little sister that he needed to protect.

Shotou felt envy. Why- why didn't you laugh like that with him? Why didn't you laugh for him? Was he... not a good brother?

Fuyumi actually rushed out of the kitchen when she heard you, her hands coming up to her mouth to suppress the sob that was building up. Too long. It had been too long since you were happy.

Natsuo smiled. He smiled as he saw you chortle when the hero's feathers tickled your cheek. He wished you would smile more often.

Enji's breath hitched as he saw you chuckle into Hawk's shoulder. It was so natural, so lively, so radiant. He had been dying to hear that sweet sound again.

Your heart was beating fast and your stomach was doing somersaults as you felt the air rushing through your hair and cooling on to your neck, the soft feathers brushing across your skin.

He really was here.

But so were they.

And you could feel their eyes on you.

Keigo frowned when he saw you curl yourself into him, as if trying to bury yourself into his chest. When he looked around, he saw them glaring and that's when he puffed out his wings before curling them around you; shielding you.

"I'll be spending time with my goddaughter. Do not disturb us." And with that, Hawks flew you up to your room, locking the door before they could sat anything. He could hear Dabi arguing, but he trusted Enji to handle him.

He set you on your bed, chuckling as you didn't let go of his collar.

"Its okay, dove. I'm here, now- ow!" You cut him off by punching his arm.

"Where were you?!"

"In your heart- ow! Stop hitting me!" He caught your wrists.

"You said you were gonna visit me at home! Its been a whole month-"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry but believe me, I really was busy!" Sighing, he continued. "The hero commission sent me to Europe for a mission and things got a bit messy, so I got caught up."

Yanking your hands out of his grip, you scowled. "Would it have killed you to call?"

"I mean I wouldn't say kill, but I probably could've lost a limb or two-" He started laughing when when you began getting up to walk to the door.

Keigo wrapped his arms around you, smiling cheekily"Y/n- I'm sorry, I'm just kidding. Come back-"

"No, let go! I don't have time for your bullshit" He continued laughing, easily picking you up and dropping you back on your bed.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Come on, now. Stop being mad." You heard him shuffling. "Besides, I've got something for you!"

He dropped something in your lap. You picked an item, your hands feeling around it, trying to figure out what the rectangular shaped box was.

"Whats this?"

"Oh, here. Let me help you." He lifted the lid of the box and you were immediately hit by a familiar smell.

"Chocolate?"

He hummed in confirmation"Your favourite ones too! They were always sold out! Luckily, I was able to use my charm on the owner."

"Charm? Oh, you mean where you pull that ugly smirk and do that half lidded look with your eyes, and you think that you look hot but you actually just look creepy?"

"Yeah- hey!"

And then the next 3 hours were spent like that, Hawks telling you about Europe and the bad guys he caught, you telling him about the way your family had been treating you.

"They don't let me do anything, they don't give me any privacy! Its like- its like they want me to be a doll!" You gave an exasperated sigh. "They- they act like they are being so generous. Like it was somehow my fault that my eyes got fried!"

"Oh come on. They can't be that bad-"

"They are! So much worse than before. Look, I'm a grown up- I need my space too! You know what Shotou said when I asked him to get me a walking stick? He said I don't need one since he can carry me everywhere. Do you know how embarrassing it is to get carried to the toilet every single day? Do you?!"

"Well, no-"

"And then Fuyumi cuts up my food and spoon feeds me herself! I know I'm blind but its not like I'm gonna stuff the food up my nose or something!"

The hero snickered at that.

"And then Enji reads me these novels or the newspaper and he skips over the parts he thinks I'm too "young" or "immature" to understand! They even monitor what I listen to! Fuyumi or Shotou would be quick to change the channel if something above pg 10 comes on!" You ran a hand through your hair frustratedly. "I asked Enji to get me a Braille and the first few time he pretended like he didn't hear me, before finally saying that I don't need one!"

"Don't worry, I'll sneak in a Braille for dummies the next time I visit."

"Hey-! Wait... what do you mean "next time"?"

"Oh come on! I promise I'll come earlier next time. Maybe in like 2 weeks-"

"No."

"What-"

"No. I want to leave this place today. You promised."

"Y/n-"Keigo reached to place a hand on your shoulder but you pushed him off.

"You. Promised. You said you'll get me out of here when I leave the hospital" You inhaled deeply. "Well, guess what, Hawks? Its been a whole month."

"I know but you're not well enough-"

"I AM! If anything, staying here is harming me more!" Your tone was getting angrier. "You said- you said you would take me away from them."

"I can't do it right now. The hero commission needs me-"

"I need you! Or am I just not worth your time?"

"Please, dove- try to understand. How will I take care of you if I'm out at the agency?"He tried to pet your head but you smacked his hand away, snarling at him.

"You're a liar. A big fucking liar! Was this the plan all along? To give me hope that you'll save me, only to fucking crush it?!" The hero managed to dodge the box of chocolates you threw at him. "I don't need fucking chocolate or your stupid presents. I need to get out of this goddamn house!"

The hero began walking towards the door. "You're not thinking rationally- I'll- I'll leave." But before the hero could manage to take another step, you were leaping towards him, but since you couldn't see, you only managed to fall near his feet. When he grabbed your shoulders to help you up, you were quick to latch onto him, wrapping your arms around his torso tightly.

"No- no! Don't go. Please, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Please, don't be mad. I swear I'll behave, just don't leave me here!" Your hold onto him was becoming painfully tight.

Keigo felt like someone was breaking his heart piece by piece as he looked at you. The way your body shook from your pitiful sobs, the way you held onto his jacket as if your life depended on it- he was forced to remember how vulnerable you looked the night he brought you back to the this house. The same night when you begged and begged him to fly you away, that you'll do anything as long as he didn't dropped you back at the Todoroki estate.

"Y/n- darling, love, listen to me. I promised you that I'll keep you save, didn't I? I promise I'll come back soon-"

"YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DONE TO ME! SHE BURNED MY FUCKING EYES HAWKS! I'M FUCKING BLIND! DO I NEED TO LOSE A LIMB FOR YOU TO GET ME OUT OF HERE?! DO I HAVE TO SUFFER FROM ANOTHER "ACCIDENT"?!"

Hawks knew that bitch Rei did this on purpose, he knew and it killed him that he couldn't save you from her. He wanted to tell you that he believed you, and he was preparing a place for you. But the hero knows your siblings were eavesdropping, right on the other side of the door.

He had to be careful and play the fool if he wanted to get you out of this hell hole.

"Y/n please-"

You shook your head repeatedly, pulling him closer to you as you shrieked at him. "No. NO! I wont let you go! I WON'T LET YOU LEAVE WITHOUT ME! Keigo, I'm begging you! Take me with you, please! I'll die! I'll die! I'LL FUCKING DIE, KEIGO! PLEASE!"

Your loud screams had your siblings bursting through the door, obviously using a spare key. "Y/n, whats wrong-" You jumped away when they touched your shoulder, giving Hawks chance to slip away.

You instantly reached out for him, flailing your arms around to get a hold of him again. But the hero was already out the door and your siblings quickly pulled you back into their arms, shushing you, trying to calm you down.

But you were inconsolable. Thrashing around in Shotou's arms, you kept begging for Hawks to come back. "HAWKS COME BACK! LET ME GO! HAWKS, PLEASE! I'LL DIE! I'LL DIE! I'LL DIE!" It pained them to see you like this, so hysterical; Shotou and Fuyumi whispered sweet nothings but you payed them no mind. Natsuo knew you were going to hyperventilate soon, but he was more worried about you bursting a vessel in your head.

Thinking fast, he quickly brought up a tranquilliser- and the moment the sharp smell of the alcohol swab hit your nose, you were wrestling harder to get out Shotou's and Fuyumi's arms.

"Y/n, please calm down-"

"FUCK YOU! LET ME GO! KEIGO! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! COME BACK- STOP! STOP TOUCHING ME! STOP!" You screamed louder than before when you felt her cold hands gripping your arm, holding it still so that your brother could administer the dose.

As the drug began taking effect, your thrashing slowed down before you finally slumped into Shotou's arms. The tranquilliser numbed the headache that was forming, and you felt Fuyumi use a tissue to wipe the snot and the spit off your face.

"I'll die... I'll die... And you won't be there. And I'll die..."

Hawks was in a trance like state as he watched Shotou tuck you under the covers. He wanted to use his sharp feathers to slice off that cold bitch's hand that brushed the hair out of your face, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. Your daunting screams rang through his ears; his chest felt like some was shoving a knife through it slowly as he played back the image of you trying to wring yourself free from their arms, one hand still reaching out for him. It took everything in him not to grab it and pull you away from those monsters, but he had to remind himself of the bigger picture.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice the pyromaniac standing next to him until he spoke.

"This is all your fault."

Hawks looked at Dabi. His fault?

"You shouldn't have come here."

"She's my goddaughter-"

"Shut the fuck up." Dabi narrowed his eyes at the hero. "She's like this because you gave her false hope. Hope, that one day she'll get away from us. You and I both know that's not gonna happen." He sighed before continuing. "You call yourself a hero, but in reality, you're no better than us."

As Hawks turned to leave, not willing to let the villian get on his nerves, Dabi spoke again.

"Dont bother coming back. She won't forgive you. She'll never forget this betrayal."

Hurtful as they were, he knew the words he said were true.

Hawks was almost out the gates when he saw Enji sitting in the garden, looking at the koi pond. He should've left, should've flown away but there was something in Enji's eyes that had the winged hero walking towards him. He recognised the emotion as soon as he got close.

Sorrow.

Or was it guilt?

Perhaps a mixture of both.

"Endeavour, are you... alright?"

The number 1 hero looked away from the fish and blinked at him.

"Hawks? What are you still doing here?"

The blonde chuckled nervously. "I was just on my way out." He gazed at him. "Are you okay? You seem to be in deep thought."

Enji only stared at him. Taking his silence as the answer, Hawks turned to leave.

"Why did you come here today, Keigo?"

Keigo.

He suppressed the urge to shudder the way his name rolled off his tongue.

"She's my goddaughter too. Why? Do you think it was a bad decision to come?"

"No." Enji sighed. "I just- she hadn't laughed like that in a long time."

Hawks stood beside him. "She's still traumatised from the kitchen accident. Its understable-"

"No. She hadn't laughed like that for a long time, even before this happened." Enji's eyes moved towards the night sky. The stars were twinkling extra bright tonight. How he wished you could see it. "Before she lost her sight, she used to look out the window, her eyes searching sky." He gulped. "She was looking for you, Keigo. You- you made her happy, you make her laugh. I don't."

Hawks placed his hand on Enji's shoulder. "That's not true, Enji. You do make her happy. She loves you. She feels safe with you. She sees you as her protector."

"She does?"

He nodded. "Of course. If you want things to return to normal, you need to treat her normally too. Just- just talk to her. Sort out the issues and wash away whatever fears she has." Hawks wanted Enji to listen to you, to really listen to you and protect you from Rei. He could only hope that Enji understood what he meant.

Hawks was right, Enji realised. Whatever delusions you have of Rei wanting to hurt you on purpose, of being the "bad person", they can all be cleared up if he just talked to you. Ever since the incident, the family avoided talking to you about Rei or the events that had occurred that day.

If he just talked to you, things will return to normal. You'll become happy again.

"Thank you, Keigo."

Hawks only smiled in return. "I'll be leaving now."

"Okay. When will you visit again?"

"I'll be gone for longer now. The hero commission is sending me on another mission again."

"Oh. Safe travels, then."

As Hawks flew away, he began thinking about the house.

The house where he was going to take you to soon. He just needs to add a few finishing touches before he sets his plan in motion. The plan to rescue you, and eventually Enji, from those sadist that call themselves your family.

He will not let his dove get hurt again.

He'll save you this time.

He promises.

Thoughts?

Idk how this turned out, angst wasn't the plan initially. Guess I'll write godfather Hawks fluff for another day.

Anyways, now that this is done, I'll start working on RE 8 fic now.

#yandere hawks #yandere godfather hawks #yandere hawks x reader #yandere keigo takami #yandere enji todoroki #yandere todoroki clan #yandere todoroki family #yandere endeavor #yandere dabi #yandere bnha #yandere dabi x reader #yandere rei todoroki #yandere natsuo todoroki #yandere fuyumi todoroki #yandere shotou todoroki #yandere shoto todoroki #enji todoroki #enji todoroki x reader #endeavour x reader #keigo tamaki #keigo takami x reader #hawks x reader #dabi x reader #platonic yandere #yandere #yandere boku no hero academia #yandere platonic #yandere enji x reader #shotou todoroki #rei todoroki

[yyxgin]

lee felix’s guide to hating you

— ♡ FIC BANNER MADE BY THE AMAZING @chogiwow !!

pairing: lee felix x fem!reader genre: college au, tutor au ; fluff, angst, slice of life, slow burn word count: 21 k warnings: mentions of alcohol, mention of weed, swearing, bad family relationships

a/n: this story is very briefly inspired by jaemin’s drama ‘the way i hate you’ :) also this idea has been in my mind for such a long time, so i’m happy i finally managed to write it. this is also my longest fic so far, i hope it’s worth it. uhh yea enjoy <3

taglist: @feyregels​ @missskzbiased​ @hyunyin​ @koishua​ @crispy-chan​ @rindomo​ @soulssung​ @thatrandomoneinthecorner​ @90shermione​ @chogiwow​ @creatichee​ @freckledberries​ @hyunnies-stars​ 

There’s a list of things Lee Felix knew before applying for college-- and that is: 1) he really, desperately needs a degree for his grandparents to value him as an equal adult, 2) college in young adult movies seems like fun and partying and alcohol really does sound like his wettest dream, 3) he doesn’t need to work for another 4 years, which is fun and 5) he is really, horribly bad at studying.

Here’s a list of things Lee Felix, however, did not know before applying for college, and even though it’s fairly shorter, it hits you in the guts deeper, and that is: 1) studying for college means never ending chapters of insomnia and 2) he is always going to feel like the second choice for everyone. 

You see, girls don’t like Felix that much. Well, that’s a lie-- girls do go after him, tell him he’s cute and his freckles are adorable, but that’s only after they find out there’s no use in chasing after his best friend Han Jisung when he gets himself a new significant other. Boys don’t go after Felix either. Why, you may ask? Read the paragraph over again-- just change the word girls to the word boys. It’s as simple as that. He’s always the second choice, the back-up plan. It feels silly to drag his grandma into this, really, but the truth is, he’s a second choice in every aspect of his life, and that, too, includes his big (and still growing) family that treats him as something less than a human just because of the fact that his grades aren’t as good as his cousin’s are and he doesn’t have a degree in biological science, although he’s too young for that and his college years only started. It’s hard, living in his shoes.

What is Felix, however, really good at? 

Cheating.

Yeah, well, you see-- it’s not funny to be the outcast of the smart Lee family and it’s also not enetaining in the slightest to be the only single one at family gatherings (read as: weddings, because every single one of his relatives decided to fuck up their life with marriage in the past three years for some unknown reason). So Felix does what he’s the best at, and that is going by his favorite life motto: fake it ‘til you make it. 

He cheats on every single one of his exams and believe me when I tell you he’s the top of the class just because he’s the best cheater in town. Good cheating techniques equal good grades and suddenly, Felix’s life seems much brighter when he spends his sleepless nights with creating cheat sheets instead of studying and copying essays written in korean, translating them to english and submitting them as his own because no one will ever notice-- his degree is within the reach of his hand and he can already feel all the grandmas of the family clapping in joy, maybe even wiping away a stray tear on his graduation ceremony in a few years with bouquets of flowers in their hands and expensive watches in their gift bags, ready to welcome him back into the family.. 

What he doesn’t expect, though, is the cute little saying of ‘every lie has short legs’ he swears he heard sometimes in his linguistic class before, coming to life right in front of his eyes as the professor of his Biology class makes him the assigned tutor of the sweet Y/N Y/L/N, because, well, he clearly doesn’t know anything-- what’s he supposed to tutor now? 

The best cheating techniques?

The freckled boy sitting in front of you looks at you with furrowed brows and you wonder what’s the matter with him. Is there something on your face? Are you not dressed appropriately for the occasion? I mean, it’s only a tutoring session, so you didn’t put that much effort into it, but judging from the casual outfit enveloping his body, he didn’t really try to look fancy either. So what was it with him that made him stare you down as if you had horns on your head?

“Shall we start?” he asks once he’s done staring, voice sounding determined. You wonder if he sees the hints of nervousness on your face and if he notices the way you shrink in your seat in the mention of biology, but you guess he doesn’t know you that well to know that you fear the subject as much as you fear dying. 

“Yeah, sure,” you nod, scooting closer to the edge of your seat so you’re not so far away from the table. Felix-- your new biology tutor-- is sitting opposite of you and it’s quite difficult to read the text book once it’s upside down, but you don’t dare to mention it to him for a reason that’s unknown to you as well. It’s like you don’t want to overstep any invisible boundary on your first tutoring session, and telling the person that is teaching you to turn around the text book so you can actually see and learn something seems to be one of the taboos in your eyes. 

You take a quick glance at the waiter that just stopped next to your booth and smile, opening up your mouth to order yourself a meal. “Can I get you anything else?” she asks.

“No-” Felix offers her with a shy smile, but you cut him off with a voice a little higher in the octaves, not wanting your tutor coming in between you and reaching your biggest goal you’ve set for yourself.

“Actually, yes. Could I please get the chicken wings? With fries?” you ask, trying to look as innocent as you can, smiling at her in politeness. You ignore the confused look Lee Felix is offering you from the other side of the table. You mentally send him a signal to tell him to mind his own business, watching the waitress leave with a nod and a polite smile. 

“Okay, now we can start,” you nod at him and focus all your attention to the boy with sandy hair in front of you.

“O...kay?” he answers, obviously trying to bat away his rising confusion, because ordering yourself chicken wings on your tutoring session is prohibited now, apparently. “So,” he starts, sighing and scratching the back of his neck, “what do you not understand from this section?” 

You nervously chew on the bottom of your lip. Well, that’s a sweet question, you think. It would have been much sweeter and much easier to answer, though, if you understood at least a bit from the things you’re supposed to know. You went to university with the urge to prove something to yourself, but the only thing you’re proving to yourself right now is the fact that you are actually kind of useless, when it comes to biology.

“Just like the… whole thing, actually,” you nod, trying not to look as defeated as you feel and also trying not to burst out in a manic laugh as you always do when you feel slightly nervous about anything.

“Cool, cool, yeah,” he nods, taking a deep breath in, turning the textbook around and sighing, “I don’t think I can help you with that.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” you ask, confused. 

Lee Felix is the top of the grade. He is the best at biology, he is the best at chemistry, he is the best at his farmacy class. You’re sure he’ll be a fine biochemist in a few years, when his college times are over. Lee Felix is the smartest boy in your biology class and you are, coincidentally, quite the opposite on this spectrum. Which is exactly why your teacher managed to make Felix tutor you in his free time. You weren’t surprised at the fact that the blonde boy agreed to this-- he was quite the sweetheart, really. All the girls in your class fawned upon the way his freckles shined in the sunlight and the way he opened the doors for older professors. He was quite the boy you would want to introduce to your parents. Not quite the one every girl goes after, but the one that you would want to settle down with after your college years are over.

So why is he, the sweet, but also smart boy that agreed to tutor you, now telling you he can’t help you?

“It’s just.. I’m not really good at this section, I mean-”

“Felix, you’re the top of the class. Of course you’re good at this section.” you mumble, gazing deep into his eyes, trying to search for an answer.

“I-” he says and takes a sharp breath in, stopping himself in continuing his train of thought and just opting to shrug, not giving you a proper response either.

You feel like someone just punched you in the gut, and that’s when you realise-- here it is again. Another person that doesn’t believe in you-- another person that needs proving that you really can do it, you just need a little push. You can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t think you’re smart or bright enough to pass the exams, you’re not good enough to get good grades. It’s nothing new to you, but it still haunts you just the same.

“Is it because you know I can’t do it?” you bluntly ask, sighing. 

“No! No, no, I never said that-” he says, almost panicking with the way his hands fly into the air hurriedly, waving them around as if it was meant to calm you down. 

“You’re acting like it, though. I promise I’m not stupid- well, maybe I am, but-”

“You’re not stupid! It’s me! I’m the stupid one here.” he says, effectively silencing you with his words as you stare at him, dumbfounded. He’s joking, right?

“How can you be stupid when you get only the best grades? Felix, if you just don’t want to waste your time here, tell me, but don’t try to hide behind poor excuses.” you roll your eyes, feeling frustrated at the boy’s antics. Does he really think you’re that stupid that you can’t see right through his lies?

“I cheat.”

You blink a few times as if to reset your brain, gazing at him with pure confusion written in your orbs. He cheats? No. That’s a lie. A person as good at biology as Felix can’t cheat. All his exams are on 100% and he never makes any mistakes. He’s the epitome of the smart kid. The little Einstein. The prodigy. There’s no way it’s all cheating.

“No.” you shake your head in disapproval. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying! Look, I genuinely, really want to help you. I really do. The thing is, though, I don’t know how to study. I make cheat sheets and I use them at every exam and every test, that’s why everyone thinks I’m super smart, but that is really not the case,” he shakes his head, staring into your eyes with his wide open in honesty, wanting you-- no,-- needing you to understand. “I would tutor you if I could, really, but I just don’t know how to,” he sighs finally, acting like he’s just given birth or ran a marathon, exhaustion written all over his face.

“So why did you offer to tutor me, then?” you ask.

He takes a moment for himself to collect his thoughts, before he speaks up again. “Well, I didn’t really want to get caught. You see, I would never turn my back to anyone. Really. So I thought I could at least try to learn something? So I could help you? But I failed, as always, so I’m just coming clean in front of you and you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

The moment the last sentence leaves his mouth, you notice the apparent fear in his eyes, realising that he just shared an information with you that nobody really knows. It’s a secret he’s been hiding and keeping from everyone just to appear as the smartest one-- fooling everyone, including you. You feel even more stupid now, under his gaze. You feel played. You came to the tutoring, hoping to finally get a grip, when all you get is a person that is stepping all over the sandcastle of your fragile dreams, kicking every little piece of sand away with his lies. You know you shouldn’t feel so invested in this. You shouldn’t feel so hurt. But somehow, you still do. 

“So you just told me you are lying to everyone and cheating on tests and you want me to keep it a secret from everyone?” you ask in disbelief.

“Yes.” he nods, eyes hopeful. He’s been lying for the last year as if his life was depending on it and now he wants you to do the same-- keep quiet in front of everyone.

“And what do I do when the professor asks me why I’m not getting any better? Huh? Ever thought of that?” you leash out, harshly chewing on your bottom lip in nerves. “I want to pass. And I want to do it fair and square.” you get out in between your teeth.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think of that yet, but-”

“Leave.” you say, looking him sternly into his eyes.

“What do you mean, leave?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. And you’re clearly not here to teach me anything, so you can just take your things and leave.” you spit out, crossing your hands over your chest.

“You leave, then,” he mutters, looking rather offended. You’re not sure why he’s the one hurt right now, but you guess that’s just how men and their egos are, there’s nothing more under his hurt eyes and shattered self-esteem.

“I ordered food, I’m not leaving.” you calmly respond. Once you say this, you’re reminded of the little quest you made for yourself. Never once did you feel silly for taking it so seriously in front of your other friends, but now, in front of Lee Felix with freckled dusted cheeks, you feel almost invisible as you realise why you even ordered the chicken wings and how you’re going to write a yelp review about them later.

Well, someone has to do it, and if not you, then who will, right? It’s the only valid way to find out who makes the best chicken wings in the town and not even your traitor-tutor is going to stop you now, when your list is only getting shorter and shorter. 

He stares at you for a few moments, dumbfounded, before he sighs and accepts his defeat. “Okay, I’ll just have to text my roommate to pick me up,” he admits.

You nod, just in time the server comes back with your food, offering her a welcoming smile. “Fine. But don’t even think of talking to me from now on. I’m not interested in more lies,” you spit at him, scowling as you take a look at the plate of chicken wings sitting in front of you in their full glory. You sense a very bad review, judging from the way the chicken wings look nothing like wings, rather full on small chickens dipped in oil, but dive in nonetheless. 

“Why do you have to be so dramatic?” he asks, voice coated in disbelief.

“Because I was scammed!” you yell out, mouth full of chicken, not caring a second about the way you might look in the boy’s eyes. Yes, you could have at least swallowed before speaking to him, but did you do it? No. No, you didn’t. 

“Oh come on-”

“Don’t even try arguing with me!” you spit at him-- quite glad that this time, it’s not literal-- and huff out in annoyance, when the door opens and a short boy with a bucket hat on steps into the bistro, the red fabric of the seats of the booths contrasting with his shoes in a way that makes you feel captivated, your eyes refusing to tear themselves away from him. 

The boy is taking quick steps to your booth and you almost choke on your chicken wings as you admire his full glory-- tanned skin and car keys in his hand, but his eyes meet the boy sitting opposite of you and that’s when everything clicks. This is not the boy of your dreams, this is Han Jisung. Your tutor’s best friend and roommate-- also known as the resident heartbreaker. You shouldn’t feel weak in your knees when you look at him, but that’s exactly what happens and you won’t feel ashamed about it. Well, not now, at least. In a few hours when you’re lying in your bed? Maybe. But I’ll tell you then.

“Yo, dude, I texted you like five minutes ago that I’m waiting for you outside, what are you still doing here?” he asks, furrowing his brows at his roommate and slowly moving his eyes to you, scanning you up and down, leaving your heart to do the stupid cartwheel you haven’t felt since, like, middle school. 

“We were in the middle of an argument, so I didn’t hear my phone ring.” Felix answers, glaring at you with spiteful eyes. You almost prepare to kill him with yours, but you focus on wiping the oil from the corner of your mouth and smiling heavenly, trying to look like a lady in front of your new visitor.

“Was Felix being absolutely unbearable again?” he asks you, surprising you with his subtle way of engaging you into the conversation.

You giggle, rolling your eyes slightly. “Yeah. You know him too well, don’t you?”

“Unfortunately,” he admits, looking defeated, when he moves his eyes to Felix, looking rather sulky on the red seat in front of you as you chat with his roommate, when Jisung’s tone of voice changes into a more worried one, speaking up again, “does she… did you…?”

“Yeah,” Felix just nods. 

Jisung sighs, sitting down next to his roommate, pushing him a little so he has more space in the booth. “What are you supposed to tutor her anyway?” he asks.

“Biology,” you mumble sooner than Felix gets the chance to speak up, motioning to the textbook still sitting at the table in front of you. 

The boy takes a look at the papers, his face changing from a focused one to a one more lighter, his eyes scanning the papers with ease. You notice his mouth moving a little as he reads the words under his breath, catching yourself from staring when you feel Felix’s eyes burning into the crown of your head, snapping you back to reality. 

“You know… maybe I could help you with that.” he says, looking like a business offering you a deal that you’re sure involves something illegal. He looks like a focused squirrel with his cheeks puffed out a little in what you sense is pride, something in his eyes glowing as you nervously chew on your bottom lip.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m actually quite good at biology, to be honest. Well, not as much as Felix over here-” he jokes, scowling when the blonde boy punches his arm, “but I think I could tutor you a thing or two.”

“What’s the catch?” you ask, nervously watching him. Something in his composure is telling you he’ll want something in return, but you don’t know what yet. You’re quite sure you’ll sell your soul for the adorable boy in front of you if he asked you to, but it never hurts to ask beforehand, right? 

“What do you mean, what’s the catch?”

“Like… what do you want in return?” you muse out, taking a bite of a fry, noticing how soggy it feels under your teeth.

“Woah, you spend 15 minutes with Felix and you already think there’s something illegal behind everything? I’ll let you know, I’m better than that.” he scoffs. “I’m just doing it because I see how miserable you are. And I also don’t want you to tell on my buddie over here.” he adds, smiling warmly.

You take notice of the way Felix’s eyes grow twice their size and how Jisung’s knee lightly bumps into his under the table. It’s subtle, but you think that maybe this is when you fully fell for the short boy in front of you-- when he offered to save his best friend’s ass by helping out a lost girl with biology. And who are you to say no now? I mean, you need the tutoring nonetheless. Who cares if the boy tutoring you is someone else? Maybe it’s even more appealing to you this way, but you’ll never admit that out loud.

“Okay then, sure.” you nod, grinning from ear to ear, feeling satisfied.

“Great. Now, give me half the fries and we can arrange our next tutoring session,” he smiles, “oh, and I’m Han Jisung, by the way.”

He winks. 

You should be disturbed, but strangely, you’re not. You grin back at him, offering him the soggy fries you’re sure you’re going to give a really bad review in the evening, watching his composure change into a more laid-back one, engaging you in a conversation and slunging an arm around his best friend’s shoulders.

Lee Felix remains silent. He feels it once again-- he feels the loneliness of being left out. 

And he’s sure it won’t be the last time.

Lee Felix knows damn well how it feels to be the third wheel. He’s hung out with Jisung and his potential love interests multiple times, he’s even been on double dates with the said male, yet, he always somehow ends up being left out. So why does it still feel the same? Why does he still feel that restless feeling in his stomach, the emptiness in his chest, just like the first time? I guess you never get used to some things and emotions are one of them. No matter how much you argue that you know a feeling so well it doesn’t even surprise you anymore, it still hurts the same. That’s funny about emotions. Sometimes, they can’t even make you numb.

“Hurry up dude, the bistro closes in an hour and half!” Jisung rushes the taller male (not tall, just taller. Don’t misunderstand.) with his car keys in his hand, twirling them around his fingers in a nervous manner. Felix notices his roommate has put some effort into his outfit today, considering the lemon supreme shirt enveloping his body that he saves only for special occasions, yet, Felix doesn’t realise why he had to put it on when they’re literally just going out to eat some soggy fries in the bistro close to their house. He doesn’t ask, though. He doesn’t want the car key stuck in his forehead. He also doesn’t know why they have to rush so much, since they have an hour and half left before they close, but again, he doesn’t dare to say it out loud. 

Felix quickly puts his shoes on and rolls his eyes at his roommate. “I’m ready,” he announces.

Jisung swiftly takes a bottle of cologne from the table in their small hall (it’s so small they don’t even have a mirror in it, because there was no use in taking mirror selfies when all you can see on the picture is your phone case due to the fact that the room is too narrow for you to move further away) and sprays his body wit hit, efficiently confusing his roommate. “You wanna smell great for the waiter there? Because from what I remember, he was a stoner-”

“Oh, shut up. You never know when you’re gonna meet someone cute, am I right?” he asks, grinning from ear to ear like a cat, taking his backpack with him and opening the front door, “gotta look and smell presentable at all times.”

Felix wonders if this is why everyone always goes after his best friend. 

No, he thinks, it cannot be the cloud of cologne hanging around his body. It’s heavy and it makes Felix cough a little, but he tries to mask it, because he’s fairly sure Jisung won’t pay for his fries today if he doesn’t. And Felix is a simple man-- if he can get something for free, he will do anything to achieve it.

They arrive at the place in a few minutes and Felix can already feel his mouth watering at the thought of the salty fries and cheeseburger he’s going to get himself, joyfully skipping inside the bistro and waiting in the queue. Jisung follows him, standing next to him, efficiently covering the smell of the oil and all the good things on this earth-- read as fast food-- making Felix scowl. The boy behind the register, is, in fact, Na Jaemin-- the resident frat boy. Felix’s heard all about him from the girls staying at the dorms and to be honest, he’s quite glad he doesn’t have to live the stories of getting caught with weed at Jaemin's party on his own. That, and the fact that hot water runs in his apartment. Na Jemin might have the weed, but he surely doesn’t have that in his college dorm room. 

“Three milkshakes, two large fries, chicken wings and a cheeseburger, please.” Jisung orders, confusing Felix in one sentence. Since when is his best friend a bottomless pot for food? Is he really going to eat all of that?

“Coming right at you. Anything else?” Jaemin asks, voice considerate and polite, still turned on his customer service mode, even though Felix is sure him and Jisung have had shared a joint or two on one of his parties before.

“No, that’s all. Thanks, man,” Jisung answers, leaving with Felix right behind him. 

“Who’s gonna eat all of that? I hope you know you’re paying, and before you protest, yes, I did purposefully leave my wallet at home-” he rambles, still moving, when his train of thought is cut off by a person in his view.

You are sitting there in your full glory, smiling brightly at the boys approaching you. You’re dressed nicely, he notices-- you look like you put some effort into what you’re wearing. You don’t look that much different, but he can still see the slight changes you made to look neat. You’re glowing, Felix notices. You look excited.

“Hi, Y/N,” Jisung greets, taking a seat opposite of you. He doesn’t even give Felix an answer, he doesn’t even give him an explanation. He’s left there only to take a seat next to his roommate after collecting his thoughts, chewing on his bottom lip.

The conversation never moves his way. He is silenced. Felix wonders why he was even invited, watching the people behind the window laughing with their friends, happy to order some tasty food and have fun on this Thursday evening. He watches his friend and his classmate have fun-- well, as much fun as a tutoring session could be. You’re laughing at every single one of Jisung’s jokes and he swears Jisung’s eyes never leave your face, even when he’s explaining something to you. He wonders why Jisung didn’t tell him where they’re going. He wonders why he even had to come.

Lee Felix knows how third-wheeling feels. Yet, it still makes his little foolish heart hurt just the same every time.

You nervously chew on your bottom lip, cracking your knuckles in a habit your friends always scream at you for, waiting for your tutor-- well, he’s not really your tutor anymore-- to appear in the bistro on the other side of the town. You admire the decorations for a while, liking the way it looks modern here and the purple led lights make the whole place look aesthetic. You can already imagine multiple college kids going here and taking instagram pictures to look cool. It’s nice and you’ll definitely include it in your yelp review-- it won’t make it more stars, though, if the chicken wings don’t taste like heaven.

You tug on the sleeves on your hoodie, as if you were trying to make yourself disappear. I mean, you do feel embarrassing. You feel pathetic that it had to come down to this, but you guess desperate times call for desperate solutions. You’re not here to look put-together anymore. You’re going to show him your full glory and although you regret it a little, you still have a little spark of hope in you that Han Jisung-- the boy you, admittedly, were crashing on real hard right now, won’t find out.

Felix comes into the bistro in his full VSCO boy glory, as always. He is wearing a jean jacket and his freckled cheeks are dusted pink, you’d almost think he’s blushing all the time. He doesn’t quite fit the aesthetics of this futuristic looking bistro, you notice. The retro places you’ve been to so far fit him much more-- his sandy hair contrasted well with the yellow walls and red booths. It was starting to get a little repetitive, though, you must admit.

“Hi,” he greets you as he takes his seat, smiling at you with what you can only describe as a feeling of full uncomfort. You wonder what made him feel this way about you, but you don’t dare to think of it twice as you focus on the main quest of the day-- forcing him to teach you his ways.

“Hello,” you smile. 

Felix notices how natural you look-- it feels like now is the first time he’s seeing you in your full glory. You aren’t wearing your neat clothes for a meeting with Jisung and you’re not too casual like you were at your first ‘tutoring session’ either-- you’re just you. The way he doesn’t even see you in classes. He likes the fact that no one else than him can see you like this-- he likes the fact that Jisung is nowhere around, yet, he wonders why is that, exactly, since the two of you seemed to be hitting it off quite well so far.

Felix hasn’t been with Jisung when he last tutored you. He figured there’s no use, he’s going to get ignored all the time anyway. 

“So… what’s the matter?” he asks, folding his hands into his lap. He dares to take a quick look at you, noticing your worn-out shirt and dark circles under your eyes, worry washing over him. Did something happen? Was Jisung a jerk to you? 

“Well, I sort-of have a little problem,” you mumble out, tearing your gaze away from him. You seem shy for the first time in front of him and he wonders why. He doesn’t understand your sudden change of behaviour. This isn’t the you he’s used to. “Well, turns out, I am really stupid.” you propose, leaving Felix to gaze at you in surprise.

He chuckles. You swiftly look up at him with piercing eyes telling him to stop, and he almost does, but your face looks too adorable when it’s scrunched up like that, so he only giggles once more. “You’re not stupid.”

“I am!” you whine out, finally letting your whole shy facade fall, exposing the true you once again right in front of Felix’s eyes-- direct and fierceful. “Even Jisung’s tutoring isn’t helping and I feel so stupid with him! And I don’t want him to think that I’m stupid, even though I am, and I just… I can’t pass my exams like this, so I need your help.” you say, eyes big, looking almost pleading.

“And I am supposed to help… how? Exactly?” The confusion is written all over his face, and it almost makes you frustrated. You knew he must be smart, if his cheating has been so good he’s getting through college with straight As, but really, is he really that smart if he can’t read in between the lines?

“Help me cheat.” you quickly get out, biting down on your lower lip just as you say it, as if you were regretting it.

The silence that overtakes the two of you feels like it’s slowly going to eat you up alive, angrily biting into your skin. It feels heavy and suffocating, your palms sweating as you watch Felix blink at you with mouth agape, breathing in and out. You pray for him to make up his mind soon, or else you’re going to run out of the bistro without a yelp review, tearing the skin of your cuticles as you see him blink quickly a few times before shaking his head in disbelief, clearing his storage.

“You want me to help you cheat?” he asks for clarification, furrowing his brows at you.

“That’s correct.” you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek. You haven’t been this nervous since you took your college entrance exams, and that shows a lot, considering you used to say that has been the most difficult experience of your life so far.

“Because Jisung…. isn’t tutoring you well enough?” he asks again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance.

“Hey, don’t put the blame on Jisung! I’m just stupid, that’s all.” you say, looking down into your lap, because his gaze suddenly feels like he’s judging you and you really don’t feel like maintaining eye contact with him when you’re under pressure.

“If you don’t stop saying that, I will kick you.”

“You wouldn’t dare-”

“I would and I will-”

“Okay, but is that a yes, then?” you look up at him with hopeful eyes, resembling a puppy just a little too much, and, well, Felix can’t just reject you now, can he?

“I.. guess…?” he says, watching your face light up in joy as you clap a few times in excitement. 

“Great! Can we start today? We have to start today! I brought my text books and papers and sharpies and-” you are cut off by Felix’s face lighting up at the sight of you, his eyes looking warm and admiring. You quickly shake away the excitement before it goes too far and you actually go to hug him or something, taking a deep breath in and out to calm yourself down.

Just in that moment, the server appears with two servings of chicken wings and two large fries, making Felix look at you in confusion. 

“I ordered you food, since I thought we’ll stick around for a while..” you mumble, seeing him eagerly nod and take one fry into his hand, biting down on it with a face full of pleasure. 

“Perfect. Just let me eat a few of these and we can get right into work, I promise,” he mutters with a mouth full of food, prompting you to take a bite yourself. It doesn’t taste the worst-- the bistro you went to after prom last year was definitely worse than this, but still, you don’t think Felix’s face quite resembles how the food tastes. He looks as if the Queen of England made it. In reality, it’s just a soggy fry. 

“Why do you always order the same thing? Aren’t you tired of eating the same thing over and over again?” he asks suddenly, examining your face with real interest. No one’s ever noticed your eating habits before, just shrugging off what you order every single time. Your little fast food experiment has been a secret so far, even though it wasn’t that hard to cover it up-- nobody really cared until now. 

You feel blush creeping on your cheeks as you shrug, feeling a little embarrassed for like the hundredth time today, when you reply to the boy in front of you. You know his secret, so it only feels valid for him to know yours. “I have this experiment… like, I try chicken wings and fries at every single bistro, restaurant and fast food chain in the town to find out which one’s the best…” you mumble, looking into your plate instead of facing him out of the ugly feeling of patheticness creeping up your back.

“Oh, that’s cool!” he exclaims, pointing his fry your direction, a response you didn’t quite expect, “Where do they have the best ones so far?” he asks, genuine interest painting his features.

“Oh,” you get out, feeling your lips unvoliteraly tug into a smile, “I don’t.. I still have a few bistros and the McDonald’s on the highway out of the city left, but I’d say the best ones so far were at Wendy’s. I didn’t quite like the chicken wings there, though, so…”

“Hmm,” he nods, deep in thought, “we just get food at where’s the closest.” he says, munching on a chicken wing. “I guess we could pay a little more attention to the food from now on, because after eating this, I’m never going to eat the food from the bistro right in front of our flat again.”

“Yeah, that bistro’s really awful. I only gave it around 2.5 stars, I think-” you say, before you realise you just spilled out another secret to him, feeling your cheeks heating up. 

“2.5 stars? What, do you write yelp reviews or something?” he asks, clearly amused by your accidental spill-out.

“And what if I do?” you defend yourself, glaring at him with fake annoyance. No man will ever make fun of you because you write yelp reviews. Not Lee Felix, even though he seems too nice to actually make fun of you because of something, not anyone. 

“That’s cool, though! Those help so much when you travel,” he says, eagerly nodding at you with big eyes and an adorable grin plastered on his face, making you feel understood and happy with just the sudden sign of acceptance. Turns out your little weird obsession isn’t as embarrassing as you thought it was. Or Lee Felix really is the sweetest guy walking on this earth. Either one is fine in your books.

You stay there for a few hours and Felix teaches you the basic cheat codes-- never meet the teacher’s eye, never finish your tests too quickly, always forcefully pick the wrong option before scribbling it out and putting in a correct one to not seem too suspicious. He even takes a piece of paper from you and scribbles down the basic cheat-sheet making structure. 

He feels good with you. He feels useful. He knows he shouldn’t be teaching you this, but really, is it really doing any harm? We all have to go through college somehow.

Yet, all evenings always end the same for Felix, with a bad feeling in his gut and a fake smile on his face hiding the true meaning behind his actions. He’ll never be the first choice and you remind him even today, after you leave the ‘tutoring session’ with a quick hug to the male, lowering your voice so only he can hear when you pay him your goodbyes.

“Don’t tell Jisung, okay?”

Of course. It’s all because you don’t want to look embarrassing in front of his best friend.

It goes all how you planned it to-- you’re sitting at your next tutoring session with two males in front of you. One of them is your supposed tutor and one of them is a boy that’s helping you pass your exams for real. You’re into one of them, even though you shouldn’t. You wonder how you even ended up in this mess. You swear you were a good student in high school, always submitting your assignments on time and making sure your tests were on 100%. It was kind of fueling your ego, in a way. You had no other plans in your life to hold on to, no dreams to dream, so you reasoned to do the only thing that you were good at-- getting good grades. You had to prove to yourself that there was a reason, a meaning behind your life. You had to prove to yourself that your existence was valid.

You watch Jisung with interest. You pray to god that he doesn’t catch you in your act, because that would surely be embarrassing. You don’t want him to find out that you’re just fine with cheating, because that meant your tutoring sessions with the male would end and there was no other reason for you to see him. You knew Han Jisung wasn’t interested in you. You were sure you’d see it on him if he was. And even then, you weren’t interested in only a short relationship without any good point. You liked Jisung, but you didn’t like his reputation. One week wasn’t long enough for you to waste your time on him and get your heart broken. You weren’t sure if he was a player, or if he just wanted to desperately find the one by trying all the possibilities, but you weren’t going to find out. 

Felix watches you with interest in his eyes-- but you don’t notice. He prays that Jisung doesn’t find out about your secret little ‘tutoring sessions’, because that would mean he wouldn’t have a reason to hang out with you anymore. And Felix really doesn’t want that to happen. For some reason, he doesn’t want you to ever frown. And he’s sure that’s exactly what would happen if Jisung cancelled.

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening inside of his little, foolish heart when he sees you smile at Jisung and his stomach fills with worry. 

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening with him when every time Jisung subtly takes your hand in his makes his insides twitch in frustration. He thinks it’s just because of the fact that he’s third-wheeling again, like all his life, and maybe that is partly true, but it’s not the whole reason behind the cloud around his head.

It clicks only when him and his roommate are back home, sitting at the dinner table with the left-overs from the new bistro you three went to, munching on the chicken wings and another pack of soggy french fries and the cola they had in their fridge.

“So… what do you think about Y/N?” Jisung asks suddenly, making Felix furrow his brows in confusion.

“What should I think? She’s smart, I guess…” he mumbles, mouth full of food, not quite grasping the full meaning of his roommate’s question. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung quickly nods in approval, “she’s getting really good. I mean, you can still see she’s having some troubles when I’m tutoring her, but at least she always gets good grades on tests now,” he says, biting down on another piece of chicken wing. Felix feels a wave of pride wash over him after hearing the words-- of course you’re doing well on exams. It’s all Felix’s doing. You’re a quick learner, when it comes to cheating. 

“Yeah, she’s good,” he says. 

“Well,” Jisung suddenly starts, meaning to sound nonchalantly, but only sounding like he’s determining his biggest life secret in front of his friend instead, “I like her.”

Felix almost chokes on the piece of chicken in his mouth, trying to play it off with a small chuckle. “Oh? You do?”

“Yeah. Should I.. Should I ask her on a date or something?” he asks and Felix swears he can see his friend’s cheeks reddening a little, even though the last time he’s seen Jisung embarrassed was when he accidentally called their Math’s teacher mum in eleventh grade. 

“You don’t date, though,” Felix opposes.

“That’s not true-”

“Two weeks long relationships aren’t relationships, Jisung.” 

“Not my fault they’re never the one! It gets boring after a while, Felix, I can’t just-”

“Why are you even asking me this?” Felix suddenly cuts him off, glaring at him. He doesn’t know why he’s reacting in such a way. It’s not like it’s the first time Jisung is going to date someone for two weeks just to break their heart, it’s not the first time they’re going to run after Felix a week after just so they can still be around the one that broke their heart. This time, though, he does not want to see another heart get broken.

“Jesus, chill, man… I was just asking, since you two seem closer. Did she mention anything about me? Is she dating anyone?” Jisung asks, eyes lighting up.

Felix could be an asshole. He could tell Jisung that you’re already dating someone, he could tell him to back off and that you’re not interested. However, he does not do that. Instead, he does the quite opposite. He pushes his best friend into asking you out, he tells him he should try it, because that’s just the kind of person he is. Besides, he knows you’re into him. Maybe the smile on your face could make him forget about the fact that you’re going to get your heart broken. 

“Sure, go for it.” he shrugs, “I don’t really care anyway.”

“Fine, then-”

“I’m gonna shower.” Felix says, quickly standing up from his chair and moving to the bathroom, quickly escaping the conversation.

Only then he realises what he feeling in his gut means, only then he notices the way his sigh feels like the weight of the world is sitting on his shoulders and he can’t breathe any time you’re around Han Jisung. 

He realises he likes you. 

And clearly, you don’t like him back.

Emotions are something you never quite get used to. Even the emotion of feeling rejection, the emotion of always being behind his best friend’s shadow. Lee Felix is always just the friend. Never the love interest. This time, though, it feels even more heavy, because in a way, you seem way more special in his eyes than the people that went after him just to get with his best friend.

This time, he does not want to see another heart get broken. Because it’s your heart we’re talking about.

And to prevent his heart shattering to even more pieces, he has to do something.

He has to stop liking you.

As soon as possible.

“Y/N?” 

“Mhhm?” you ask, raising your eyes up from the cheat sheet you’re creating with Felix’s help, the grease of the fries you’re eating glistening on your chin. You’re with him in a yet another crappy bistro, trying yet another soggy fries, and even though there’s nothing special on you to a stranger’s eye, Felix’s heart can’t help but run twice the speed of light. 

“How do you stop liking someone?” he mumbles, furrowing his brows a little, deep in thought. 

“Oh, do you like someone?” you ask, and Felix momentarily lights up at the thought of you caring if he’s interested in someone, but when his eyes meet yours and he notices them glistening and lightening up in curiosity, he realises it’s just because you’re happy for him. As a good friend should be. 

“No, no,” he quickly shakes his head in disapproval, snickering to himself, “I’m just asking. Because, think, what if, hypothetically, there’s someone who is into someone else. Easy, right? But what if their best friend likes the same person? And you know you shouldn’t like them because they’re into their friend as well? What is there to do at that point?” 

You scan his face for a few seconds, thinking to yourself. “Hmm,” you start, “I guess you have to start hating them. So the feelings disappear.” you nod, satisfied with your answer.

“How’s that possible?” he asks, scoffing.

“Well, I don’t know, since it’s all hypothetical anyway,” you giggle, focusing back on your cheat sheet. Your notes are getting smaller and smaller and Felix notices the improvement in your small lettering, making your cheat sheet less noticeable. You’re learning quickly.

“Oh come on,” he whines, kicking your leg under the table, “talk to me. How can a person start hating someone? Give me a tutorial.” 

“Well, since you really need to know,” you roll your eyes, putting away the pen from your hand and resting your back against the seat of the booth, “there are a few steps you can take.”

“For example?”

“Well, you have to stop hanging out with them, first thing’s first.” you start. “Because if you don’t hang out with them, you will eventually hate the fact that they’re not near, which will, logically, make you hate them instead.”

“Is that really logical, though?” Felix asks, furrowing his brows at you. In his books, this made no sense at all, but you seemed pretty satisfied with your answer.

“Of course it is! Then, you have to find something about them that you can hate. Anything. Find even the smallest thing, and blow it up in your mind until you hate it. Easy, right?” 

“...I don’t think that’s helping at all,” he says, tone of voice unsure. 

“Of course it is! You’re just refusing that it can be true, because you think I’m stupid.” you stick out his tongue at him, focusing on your work instead.

He kicks you under the table, making you scowl. “Ow! What was that for?”

“I told you that if you’ll make that comment again, I will kick you. So I just did right that.” he says. “Besides, your ideas are stupid. Not you. There’s a difference in that.” he smartly points out, making you roll your eyes at him.

“So, who is it that you like?”

“No one. I told you, it’s hypothetical.” he glares at you.

“Right,” you nod, sighing, “well, I’ll just stick to that, since that means Jisung doesn’t like anyone and I still have a chance.” you smile at him, obviously missing out on the way your words just punched him into the gut. Felix laughs it out, kicking you in the shin instead.

“Right. Of course you do,” he nods. He wishes he didn’t mean that.

You two remain in silence for a moment, while you get back to your work and Felix pretends he’s playing a game on his phone. You don’t notice the way his eyes scan you over, admiring you, once in a while. No one ever does. He guesses this is the perk of always being just the friend. The one people are friends with just because they want something from him. The one that gets taken advantage of. He chooses not to think about it more. Maybe if he did, he could hate you over it, if he wasn’t so used to that feeling anyway. 

“We should hang out on the weekend,” you say, taking him by surprise.

“Oh?” he mumbles out, “with Jisung?”

“No?” you furrow your brows, “look, I know I look like I’m obsessed with him, but I actually just want to hang out with you alone as friends once in a while, you know.”

“We’re hanging out now, though.”

“It’s midnight, Felix,” you point out, “and we’re working. I want to hang out with my friend, like a normal person, you know.” you shrug.

“Yeah…” he says, when your words resonate in his mind like a broken curse. ‘Don’t hang out with them.’ Don’t hang out with her. You have to hate her. He has to start hating you-- there’s no other way. And so, he turns to taking your words into consideration. He can’t meet with you if he’s not ‘tutoring’ you. There’s no way. “We’ll see. I’ll tell you if I’m free.” he smiles warmly instead, because truth be told, he’ll never tell you no to your eyes. He’s always been a bit of a coward. And he also doesn’t want you to frown. Ever.

“Great!” you smile. 

And when Felix comes home that night, at 2am in the morning when his roommate is already asleep-- not knowing of your secret meetings, he lays down in his bed and repeats your advice like a broken mantra. He can’t like you. He has to hate you.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. Only meet her when it’s necessary. If you don’t meet her, you’ll start hating her absence, resulting in hating her altogether. 2. Find a small thing about her to blow up so much you start to hate it. 

That’s not difficult. He hates that you like Han Jisung. It’s a small mistake, a small flaw, but he’s ready to blow it up so much he hates you for it. He hates that he’s not the first choice. He hates that you don’t like him.

Maybe he would hate you more if you were dating his best friend for real.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. 2. Find a thing to hate about her. SUCCESS! 3. Set her up with Han Jisung.

Now, this plan is bulletproof, isn’t it?

Felix unexpectedly breaks the first step of his guide only a few days later-- on a chilly friday afternoon, when his body is hurriedly skipping to the edge of the town centre only to meet with you. Just for the record, though, Felix didn’t intend to break the promise he gave to himself. He really wasn’t going to hang out with you if he didn’t specifically need to, but, well… you called Jisung to hang out. Felix’s heart almost skipped a few beats when he was added to a three-person big group chat with you and his roommate and at that point, he wasn’t going to reject an invitation to the fare in town, because he was fairly sure Jisung didn’t like rollercoasters and he wanted to see you laugh your ass off at him in front of everyone. Is it a little spiteful? Possibly. Does he care? Not that much.

Besides, it’s only one time. It will never happen again!!

He finds you with your black leather jacket on, stepping from one leg to the other, looking around like a lost puppy. Felix mentally curses at himself for not coming sooner so you wouldn’t feel so alone and awkward in the mass of people, when he realises he’s already 15 minutes late because of his afternoon class and his roommate is nowhere to be found.

“Thank god! I thought you were going to bail on me as well,” you call out when Felix is close enough, smiling at him.

“Where’s Jisung?”

“He texted me like 5 minutes ago that he can’t make it today. Something about his mum being in town? I’m not sure,” you furrow your brows, “at least you’re here now, though.”

Felix is met with the realisation that he’s left alone with you again, mentally cursing at himself. This surely does not look like a plan to hating you. It looks like a bullet-proof plan on how to fall even deeper for you, with how your stray hairs are flying around your head and you adorably scrunch up your nose and sniffle from the cold. 

“Should we go?” he forces out of himself, looking at you hopefully.

“Yeah!” you nod, striding a few steps in front of him like a happy school girl excited to go to school for the first time. Felix can’t surpass the gentle smile forming on his lips, shaking his head in disbelief. You look so cheerful and so joyful, making his heart swell with how easily you manage to make him feel so young again. 

He follows you gladly, managing to match his speed with yours, almost forgetting for a moment that he’s not on a date with you, almost forgetting about the fact that you like his best friend and the smile you’re giving him is nothing against the wide grin you offer to his roommate.

“Let’s go on that one!” you cheer, taking Felix by the hand and tugging him your way, not once giving him the opportunity of letting go as you drag him all around the fare. You remind him of his younger sister with how excited you get about the smallest things and he realises he wants to protect your heart from the world just as much as he wants to protect his little sister’s. It’s not the same feeling, though. The affection he feels for you is different. 

Felix doesn’t find it in him to tell you no whenever you tug him on another ride, even when his legs are tired and his jaw hurts from smiling. He finds himself wanting to capture your image into his brain forever, imprint the happy memory in there so he can find it and look at it whenever his heart feels lonely. For the first time in ages, he forgets about everything. He forgets that he’s just the friend, the other choice. He completely forgets that Han Jisung was supposed to be there, at his place, sitting next to you on the ferris wheel as you watch the night city under you with cold cheeks and frozen bodies.

“You must be sad that Jisung isn’t here with you right now. That would surely feel much more romantic than sitting here with me,” Felix says bitterly once the reality hits him for a second, once his heart is unsheltered for a short moment and your eyes meet.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” you roll your eyes, “Jisung can’t be romantic. Besides, if I really wanted a date with him so badly, I wouldn’t have asked you to come with us, would I?” you smile at him, swinging your legs forward and backward, focusing your eyes somewhere into the distance again.

“Well, if you really want to go on a date with him, you can just ask him, you know?” he mumbles, playing with the dead skin on his thumb.

“So he can stand me up and go on a date with his mum again? I don’t know, Felix, is that really worth it?” you giggle, not noticing the way you’re messing with the boy’s head, not noticing the way a small spark of hope lights up somewhere in the deep pits of his stomach when you mention not wanting to ask his best friend out. 

“I don’t know, is it?”

“I’ll have to think about it.” you muse out, and the spark is gone. Of course it’s not that simple. 

Felix just nods and grins at you. The chilly air helps him hide his red cheeks when he thinks of how embarrassing his thoughts must have been in the past quick seconds. He focuses on your face, on the way your eyes crinkle up a little when you stare somewhere far into the distance and your hair flies a little with the breeze. The ferris wheel just reached the top, so he has plenty of time to keep admiring you from so close, but somehow, the moment still feels so short and he wishes he could stop the time. He wishes he could stop the time so he didn’t have to face the reality when he comes down from the ferris wheel. He wishes he didn’t have to see you fall in love with his friend, he wishes he didn’t have to act like he doesn’t care at all. 

“Thanks for helping me, by the way. I wouldn’t have passed my exams if it wasn’t for you and that… that would be really hard on me.” you get out, locking your eyes with his sincerely. He sees your eyes shining even so high above the ground, convincing him the sparkles really must be the stars, when he takes a deep breath in and responds.

“It’s no problem, I get it… I mean, it’s what you gotta do. What we gotta do, when we want to pass. And graduate,” he chuckles. 

Does he really want the degree, though? Or does he just need it to feel like he has some worth? Does he want to graduate or does he just want his parents to value him as an adult, does he really want to continue working so hard on passing or would he just be so much happier if he just dropped out. And saved himself so much stress. He should have known he was never smart enough for college.

“Yeah. I despise the smart kids in our class. I wish I were them,” you scoff, “I despise Jisung, in a way, too,” you add after a dramatic pause.

“Jisung?” Felix furrows his brows.

“Yeah,” you nod, like it’s the clearest thing in the world, “I mean, he’s smart enough to pass. He’s… he’s got his life figured out, in a way. He’s just fine. Getting all the girls and the guys, getting good grades, going on dinner dates with his mum on Fridays,” you giggle, “I mean, I want that. That sounds nice.”

Felix huffs, staring into the distance, “I guess you’re right.” He knows damn well how jealousy feels. 

“I came to college to prove to myself that my life has some worth, but I guess the only thing I prove to myself is that I can’t even pass my exams without help.” you sigh, sounding defeated.

“Hey,” he nudges you a little with his foot, “don’t say that. Life isn’t about grades, degrees and that shit. Of course you have worth and value.” 

He sees you smile in defeat, leaning your head on his shoulder. The feeling of acceptance, pure understanding washes over the two of you, when you gently speak up again. “Try to explain that to my brain.” 

He lightly giggles. “I’m trying, as you can see.”

You look up at him from his shoulder, scrunching up your nose and leaning closer to him, whispering. “It’s not working.” you laugh.

“I know it’s not easy,” he shakes his head, “I’ve been trying to tell that to my family for the past 21 years.” he slips out. Something about you makes him spill out even things he’s never told anyone before, but he finds himself not caring as you approach his eyes with pure serenity mixed with melancholy.

“Is it all because of your parents?” you ask, “the cheating, I mean.”

Felix feels his eyes giving him out, so he chooses not to look at you anymore. “I mean, I would have dropped out long ago if I didn’t have to feel so worthless around my family then. Every single one of my cousins is smart, has a degree and earns a killing. I’m just me-- living from the money I earned over summer, trying not to lose my mind with biology.”

He hears you humming next to him, your head moving as you nod in understatement. The ferris wheel is slowly reaching the bottom again and Felix finds the fact quite relieving. He doesn’t mind having deep talks with you, he just fears he might spill out something both of you don’t want to hear.

“I’m glad you came with me today, Lix.” you smile at him once the two of you reach the bottom, “wanna hear a secret?”

“Spill it out,” he dares you, grinning.

“I only invited Jisung because I thought you didn’t want to hang out with me alone.” you confess, quickly turning around in your spot as you jog a few steps in front of him, carelessly, as if you just didn’t make Felix’s heart stop and insides twitch in excitement. He prays and hopes it’s not just you giving him false hope, he wishes it’s not his mind playing tricks on him. 

“I-” 

“And now that I know you don’t mind being around me, do you wanna go to the dog cafe with me next Wednesday? You know, the one I talked about.” you turn around, flashing him a smile worth a billion dollars, taking him by surprise as his breathing hitches and he doesn’t find it in him to reject you ever again.

“Sure.”

Second step of Lee Felix’s guide to helping you: find a small thing about you he doesn’t like to blow up so much he starts hating you altogether. 

He was so sure that he found the small thing just a few days ago. He thought that the fact that you like his best friend could be enough for him to start hating you. He could sit on that thought for long enough to pick it up to the smallest pieces and over-analyse it to the point he could start hating you. 

And he tries to do just that-- he lies awake at night thinking of how every single person he’s ever been interested in slipped right between his fingers just because of Jisung’s existence. He wonders why he’s never good enough to anyone, why he always has to be the second choice even for tutoring (even though it’s not even tutoring, but we won’t talk about that anymore). He thinks of how you’re so foolish to think your relationship with Jisung is going to last, because Jisung’s feelings never stay the same for long. He over-analyses the smallest things he notices on you when you’re in Jisung’s presence until the point he’s almost sure he can do it, he can hate you for it just a little, in a way, but then, the thought flies right out of the open window as his roommate crashes into his door in the middle of the night.

He startles awake, sitting up at his bed, watching the short male going in with much difficulty, sitting on his bed without a word.

“Jisung?”

“Lixie, I fucked it all up, didn’t I?” Jisung whines, laying down on the bed next to his friend. Felix doesn’t think it’s only due to the late hours of the night that his friend’s words aren’t making any sense, but he doesn’t dare to put his finger on it until he makes sure for himself.

“What are you talking about?”

“Y/N.”

Your name coming out of his lips hits Felix like a baseball bat, hurting in all the right places, as the young male finds it in him to continue the conversation.

“What about her?”

“She asked us to hang out together. And I didn’t go. I know it wasn’t my fault, because my mum was in the town, but still, I feel so bad, because now it must look like I’m not interested in her and that I don’t care and I really don’t want that, you know?” he stummers, making Felix realise his friend talks a lot when he’s under the influence of alcohol just the same second Jisung’s breath catches in Felix’s nose, only proving his point. 

“You didn’t fuck it up, don’t worry.” he muses. And it’s true. Jisung could never truly fuck it up with anyone. Even his exes always crumble up around his feet, wanting attention even after getting their heart broken. Will it be the same with you?

“She must think I don’t like her. And that’s horrible-that’s- that’s- I like her. Very much,” he whines again, getting closer to Felix and wrapping his arms around the blonde’s torso in a wave of affection that only washes over him when he’s drunk.

“Sung-” he stutters, desperately trying to push him away, but even though Jisung doesn’t look like it, he is a strong individual when it comes to involuntary cuddling. Felix can never escape his arms.

“I think she’s special, you know? She’s like- I can’t explain it. It’s like with her, I actually want to try. I want to ask her on dates and love her and give her my heart, because you know, I never dared to give my heart to anyone. And no one’s ever made me feel truly special before…” he mutters, forcing his nose to Felix’s neck, “I’m rambling too much, aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Felix sighs, nodding. He doesn’t battle his arms anymore. Jisung is his friend, at the end of the day. He can hold him when he needs it.

“Sorry.” he says shortly, sighing as well. The room falls into silence and Felix’s head spins again, his thoughts spiral like a tornado and the eye of the storm is you-- standing there with that stupid smile on your face and he once again realises that he needs to hate you in order to shelter his own heart, because you’re like a hurricane when it comes a to a person’s emotions.

The fact is, though, he could never hate you for liking his best friend. 

Han Jisung is too likable for his own good. His heart is too big for this world, and truth be told, he’s been sharing it with everyone for such a long time now, he deserves to find someone he’s willing to give his all to. 

He could never hate you for liking Jisung-- the boy who smiles at everyone in the halls, the boy that offered him to live in the flat his parent’s bought for him in freshman year, the boy that helps him hide his cheating secret every day. He could never hate you for liking Jisung, because he himself knows too well how much of a treasure his dear friend is. 

He gets it. He gets why people always choose Jisung over him. He could never blame you.

“Sung?”

“Hmm?”

“Ask Y/N out to the dog cafe on Wednesday. She'll love it.”

Felix could never hate you.

Step three of Felix’s bullet-proof guide to hating you is quite simple and actually the only one he completes with success. Setting you up with Jisung on a date is easier than he ever imagined, considering the fact that his roommate decided to finally take things into his own hands and call you on a date after the drunken weeping episode in Felix’s bed. 

Jisung invites you on a date to the dog café in town. The two of you go on Wednesday and although Felix feels like he just gave his roommate a piece of him, an invitation that was never meant for him in the first place, he feels at ease, because at least one part of his plan is working. He could never hate you, but at least now, it will be easier for him to ignore his growing feelings for you when you spend all your time with Jisung on dates and ice cream runs. He only has to ignore his feelings in school and at your ‘tutoring’ sessions. He wonders how long these will be a secret in front of your new boyfriend. Jisung’s not your boyfriend yet, but Felix can only imagine how short the time he isn’t is going to last. 

Felix does the stupid mistake of opening the instagram app in the evening, when he’s curled up in his bed with an embarrassingly big bowl of popcorn on his bed side table, serving him as his depression food. He sees your post show up, an adorable picture of you from the dog café, a big golden retriever in your lap as you giggle at its face. The picture is candid and looks like the kind Felix would like to keep as his lock screen if he had the chance. He’s sure his best friend took it for you not only from the fact that you went out with him tonight, but also for the fact that he’s tagged in the post’s description with a big blue heart emoji. 

He could stop staring at the picture if he really wanted, he could mute your posts and pretend you never existed to shelter his poor heart. He could do everything in his strength to cut all his ties with you. That would make it so much easier for him, wouldn’t it?

But he doesn't. And maybe he doesn’t even want to-- he’s used to the pain anyway, isn’t he? The bitterness, the feeling of being pushed away, ignored and left forgotten. 

He was supposed to be in Jisung’s place now, but that doesn’t change the simple fact that he isn’t-- maybe it was never his place to claim anyway. 

Felix stares at the picture for minutes, wondering of how things could be if you only didn’t fall for his best friend. Or if he came with you today. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t too late for him to ask you on a date. Maybe he could still change your mind. Felix likes to give up on things too quickly, though, and that is the curse that will follow him his whole life. 

Lee Felix is good at cheating. He is insanely good at it, he would also say it’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. Pretending.

It’s his time to shine again. It’s time to pretend he doesn’t like you, pretend you don’t hurt him, pretend he isn’t in love with his best friend’s crush. He’s been always the best at cheating and now it’s time to cheat his way out of liking you. 

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

“You must be really hungry, if you’re planning to eat all of that in one setting,” Felix mumbles, watching you as you eat yet another plate of chicken wings in yet another pointless bistro in town. Felix wonders how you even know about all of these, since the one you’re both sitting in right now, in the middle of the night, looks rather lonely. It doesn’t even seem that welcoming-- it has graffiti on the walls and the seats are a little torn on the edges, but you don’t seem to care as you munch on the chicken, eyes big when you stare back at your companion.

“I eat a lot when I’m stressed,” you mutter in between your bites, mouth full. You look natural like this and Felix realises this is you in his mind-- cheeks full of food, that little wrinkle in between your brows when you look at him, eyes staring big into his like a loyal dog. This is how he knows you, in your rawest form, and this is coincidentally, also, how he likes you the most. He loves and treasures every single version of you, but your late-night meetings feel of different kind of intimacy to him that he’s sure he’s going to think of even when he’s old and his college years are dusty like an old polaroid picture.  

“Stressed?” he asks, tone of voice a little more worried than usual. Felix always worries about you. Even when you quietly take out your cheat sheet from under the table and write your answers down. He doesn’t fear being caught-- he frankly doesn’t care that much, but he knows that you are having a battle with yourself and he really doesn’t want you to feel like you lost. He didn’t know it was so easy to put someone else first when you worry for the future. 

“The finals are coming up.” you clarify, the words coming out a little bashful and smitten.

“Oh.” he nods. 

You’re both quiet for a while. It would be cheesy to say the silence was comfortable, and Felix knows, he’s seen enough teenage dramas to know these words are used in situations like this, but the truth is, there’s no other way to describe it, and he understands that now. Your determination shines through all your edges and he’s glad you’re doing what you can with the resources you have. You’re not exactly studying for your Biology finals, but it’s still as hard and as stressful as that. It can feel a little embarrassing at times, but there’s no other way around it. You have to battle your enemy, even if it means the game is not fair.

“And those chicken wings are fucking good, dude,” you mutter after a while, offering him one of the paper baskets the server brought you a few minutes ago, looking rather stoned and not interested in your presence at all.

“Don’t tell me this rotten place is winning your chicken wings and fries contest,” Felix snickers, taking a bite that, to his surprise, actually tastes the best out of the amount of fast food chains and restaurants you’ve brought him to. You should never judge a book by its cover and this bistro is clearly one of the examples.

“I have only one place left to go, so we’ll see then, but I guess it might just be the top place right now,” you muse out, a wide grin decorating your features as you glance up at Felix that watches you scribble down your notes on a mini piece of paper.

“Wanna go with me there? After the finals, of course. We can celebrate if we pass,” you point out, licking your lips in nerves, “I don’t think I’ll need these ‘tutoring sessions’ anymore then, but I still want to hang out sometime.” you say, putting air quotes around the words tutoring session, looking at him with expectations in your eyes.

“Oh, sure,” he agrees, nodding. “I have to be there when you finally declare your last yelp review.”

You only laugh at him and shake your head, eating some more as you look down into your notes again, lost in work. “I still don’t get how you can do these so fast.”

“I already know what’s the most useful. You don’t have to copy the whole textbook on there.”

“You can never know! What if I’ll need it all?” you exclaim, only making him laugh harder.

He points his eyes out of the window, watching the empty parking lot. You didn’t come in your car today, telling Felix your house is close anyway, and Felix doesn’t dare to drive his car anywhere unless he doesn’t need to. He has a little bit of a trauma since the last time he drove with his dad and he almost ran the car into a tree, getting a shower of swear words and exclamations from his dear father, so he only drives his small white Renault when he needs to go home. Which is, coincidentally, next week. 

“I really don’t want to go home next week,” he sighs.

“Your family is still onto you for the smallest shit?” you ask, tone of voice sympathetic.

“Yeah. Can’t wait to graduate so I don’t have to listen to them talking about a degree anymore,” he rolls his eyes, “I only have to find myself a partner so my grandma can shut up about me being single all the time.”

You softly laugh, making Felix look at you for a moment, his heart skipping a few beats when your eyes meet for a little more seconds than usual. “I’m sorry. You can always text me, though, if you need anyone to talk or gossip with.” you say, averting your eyes from his.

“You’d have to be on your phone 24/7, then. My mental stability comes down by 70% when I’m back home and it’s already only on 15% now,” Felix snickers.

“Oh, I don’t mind. I’ll be staying here anyway.” you say, giggling.

“You’re not coming back home?”

“No,” you shake your head in disapproval, quickly glancing into his eyes before speaking up again, “it’s my parent’s wedding anniversary, so they’re going on a holiday. There’s no use in me coming home if I’m just going to be alone there anyway,” you shrug.

Felix hums, nodding in understatement. “That makes sense. I’m sorry you can’t meet your family on holidays, though.”

“It’s okay,” you say, “I see them often anyway. One Christmas won’t kill me. I have a whole season of Game of thrones to catch up on anyway.” you light-heartedly laugh, sounding like Felix’s favorite song. He smiles with you, shaking his head in disbelief at how positively you can always see the world, when he glances out of the window for a moment again, only to be met with a surprise. 

There are white flakes of snow falling from the sky and something in Felix wakes up-- something he’d call happiness, maybe even joy, when he quickly shoots up from his seat and calls you with excitement coating his voice, “Y/N! Y/N! Come on!”

“Come where? Felix, what are you-” 

He doesn’t let you finish as he takes you by the hand and tugs you on your feet, tugging you out of the empty bistro out into the dark parking lot, admiring the snowflakes falling onto the ground and every surface in his sight. He sees some stick into your hair, making him giggle as his outstretched hand dusts them off subconsciously, when he starts running around like a happy child, laughter coming out of his throat filling the silence.

“It’s snowing!” you exclaim, when Felix reaches your body frozen in its place again. He reminds you of a golden retriever when he jumps a little in his place, his feet happily crouching in the snow. You laugh at his antics when he starts acting like a little boy, this side of Felix being so new to you, yet you can’t help but feel your heart swell with admiration when he asks you to catch some snow into your mouth.

“Felix! That’s disgusting!” you refuse, laughing.

“Oh come on! It’s just water!” he cheers, leaning his head back and opening his mouth wide, waiting for the snow to fall into his mouth. 

“But it’s unhygienic and dirty! You have to be kidding me!” you still reject his idea, standing your ground firmly as always in your life so far, when a face of a boy looking like an angel takes you by surprise and his big eyes plead you in a way that makes you drop all your grudges and all your beliefs down, rolling your eyes when he pouts, leaning your head back as well and opening your mouth with a loud ‘aaaa’ sound to satisfy his foolish heart.

Once you both feel a snowflake hitting your tongues, you look at each other with your tongues out, laughing at how stupid the other one looks, pointing to your tongues. You shake your head. “It melted off, you stupid!”

“You did the same thing!” he bursts out laughing, bending over in the force of his emotions. You watch him with a wide grin plastered onto your face. It feels like watching a movie. You don’t think you’ll ever have a brighter memory with the boy in front of you, with his cheeks red from the snow and smile so wide it hurts both of your jaws.

You instinctively take his hands into yours, looking down on your feet as you start going around in a circle with him, going quicker and quicker as you watch your footprints in the snow mixing with his, the dry skin of his hands making you feel strange. You laugh out when your head starts spinning, looking up at him to find him already staring at you with stars in his eyes, when you wonder,

isn’t this how love is supposed to feel?

All of his life, Felix had thought that family gatherings could always either go two ways, and that is: 1) a normal, boring meet-ups where your grandma asks about how school’s going, when you’re going to finally find a partner and another one of your cousin’s announces their engagement party, or 2) the actual engagement parties-- every single family member including the senile grandma from mum’s side gets drunk and you don’t have to think about more fake reasons why you have yet to lose your virginity.

You see, Felix is wrong in a lot of things. And this was surely one of them-- it’s the December 27th and he’s sitting in his grandma’s old kitchen, the wind blowing through the cracks of her window and the sweets on the table have already melted from the heat being too high, because his aunt is always cold and they can’t compromise. That sounds fine, even usual, Felix would say, however, the fire lights up a few moments later when his head starts to hurt from all the talking and he begins to dissociate a little too much, meaning that his grandma now has to shift her attention from all of his other relatives to him, because how dare he stay quiet on a family gathering where he has nothing to add to the conversation, right?

It starts off as usual, the answers to these questions digged deep into Felix’s brain since the first year of college. He doesn’t even bat an eye when he answers the questions directed at his studies and grades, telling all of his interested relatives that he’s working hard and it’s paying off. Nobody complains or disagrees-- his grades are awesome. His degree is here soon. Felix almost thinks he’s over with when his grandma laughs at a poor joke that comes out of his mouth, but that was only a bad prediction as he moves on to questions about his love life, which are, believe me or not, much more boring and much more ego-hurting for the blonde.

“Do you have a girlfriend yet, Felix?” she asks, tone of voice sounding rather interested, but don’t believe her-- it’s only an act. She’s ready to laugh into his face when he gives her the answer she’s hoping for.

“No, not yet, grandma,” he mumbles, averting his eyes from her wrinkley face as soon as possible. He really doesn’t need to look at her any longer to know she’s silently judging him on the inside, because that’s just how his grandmother is. 

“That’s such a shame… I wonder why… You’re such a pretty young boy, aren’t you?” she mutters under her nose, tone almost whiney, “what about your roommate? Jisung, was it?”

Felix takes a deep breath in, closing his eyes for a second to calm his rising heart beat. He could have predicted questions like this coming, because the conversation always somehow diverted to his roommate even when he was at home with his family. It’s crazy, how everyone just seems to adore Jisung much more than their own family member. 

“He’s.. Yeah. He’s always with someone, you know him. Not now, though, now he’s single,” Felix nods, explaining.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll find someone soon,” she admits, “he’s such a gentleman. And so handsome as well, isn’t he?” she asks, his aunt from her right side nodding quickly at the mention of Han Jisung. 

“He always has so many people around him, he’s so charming. If only you were more like him, maybe then someone would date you as well,” his grandma says calmly, not even noticing the way her words cut deeper and deeper into Felix’s heart, kicking him and punching him like a boxing bag, “you should try to be more like him.”

Felix bites down on his lower lip, rolling his eyes. Frustration coats his voice once he speaks up, the built-up anger living inside of him like an animal kept well in its cage. He doesn’t want to let it out, because he fears what it might do once it’s free, but he still retorts to a dig addressed to his grandma, huffing in annoyance. “Should I send Jisung home instead of me next time?”

“Oh no, Felix, what are you even saying right now?” his grandma looks rather offended, eyes twice their usual size as she glares at him.

“Well, since you like him so much.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was just saying that-”

“Leave it.” Felix says. 

The atmosphere is too heavy now, all eyes on him as if he was in a circus, watching him just moments before his breaking. He realises he no longer feels welcome in this place and maybe he never did, he just chose to ignore it by now, because that’s what he always does when a problem appears-- he chooses ignorance. Ignorance is Felix’s best friend, and although it may sound like he’s running away from his problems all the time, it’s always worked so far. He’s just protecting his heart, building walls around it. 

He doesn’t want to fight. He hates conflict. So, even though he’d like to snap, even though he’d like to leash out like an animal, he doesn’t. He steps back-- as he always does, taking the car keys from the table and escaping the house, hearing the calls of his mother after him. He doesn’t bother to say goodbye, he doesn’t even bother to look back nor take the Christmas gifts his grandma brought for everyone. 

He sits into the small white Renault he drives once a year when he comes back home, starts the engine and speeds up to the limit, driving away from all of his problems. He doesn’t want to hear their complaints, he doesn’t want to listen. It’s the best this way. He wants to ignore the words that came out of his grandma’s mouth, but he can’t find it in him as he hears them resonate in his head over and over again. 

He’s the second choice even in his own family. He’s a joke to everyone, isn’t he? Just the side character, the one that never gets the spotlight. It hurts, it hurts him so much, but he pays no attention to his blurry vision, because even though he’s fairly sure no one from his family would miss him, he doesn’t want to drive off the road and kill himself with his escape.

He parks the car in front of his and Jisung’s flat after a few hours. He’s fairly good at it, considering he never drives, and mentally puts up a middle finger to his dad in his head for screaming at him so much. He was in a much calmer headspace when he was driving with his dad than he was now, yet, he didn’t manage to drive anyone over. 

Putting his feet into the cold, empty apartment, turning the heating on and plopping down on the sofa, he once again realises how lonely it feels. Not only because of the feeling of abandonment the dark flat resonates, but also due to the fact that it truly feels like now, he’s all alone in this world. The silence screams louder than any words ever could, his ears lowly ringing without any sound in the small room, which makes him wonder if he’s truly the only one that has to spend his holidays pretty much alone. Maybe it’s his fault that he’s fucked it up with his family, who knows-- but that’s a topic for another overthinking session of his, when he decides to let it go once his eyes meet the snow silently falling down behind the window. 

The dark mixed with the white balls of fluff in the air remind him of you. Your bubbly laugh, the feeling of your skin on his when you held his hands and danced around with him in the snow. He feels a smile growing on his face, despite everything he’s heard today, his fingers involuntarily texting you to see if you’re doing anything and if you can hang out with him today. 

He meets you at the door a few minutes later, your nose runny from the cold and hands dry, smiling at you with a sense he can only describe as belonging, because he realises, maybe you feel just as lonely as him on holidays and suddenly, he no longer feels sorry for leaving.

“Why are you even here, Lix? Shouldn’t you be at home?” you ask him when you’re taking off your shoes and hanging your coat on the hanger by the door. He bites down on his lower lip to suppress a bitter chuckle. 

“Christmas got cancelled this year.” he shrugs. 

It’s not like he doesn’t trust you. You know better than anyone what his struggles are-- he asked you to keep his secrets numerous times. It’s just that now that you’re here, it’s like his soul finally feels calm and he no longer wants to whine about his grandma or his aunts anymore. It’s just you and him and the empty apartment. If he was anyone else, maybe he’d try to get into your pants. He’s just Lee Felix though, and he’s absolutely, wholeheartedly in love with you, he realises, and believe me, it kind of takes him over the edge, and so he doesn’t try anything. 

And you look at him in understatement, no other questions asked.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s all a capitalistic holiday anyway,” he shrugs.

You follow him into the living room and he throws the remote control into your lap, telling you to choose a movie before he comes back with popcorn. 

“If you don’t pick anything before I’m done, we’ll just watch Venom, I don’t care,” he says, seeing you adorably scrunch up your nose at him in response. 

When he comes back and you’re waiting for him with Howl’s moving castle paused on Netflix, he can’t help but grin at you. He places the popcorn on the coffee table and notices himself staring onto your body next to his far more often than the TV and wonders if he really drove away from all of his problems or if he just drove away from one problem to another, because now, it’s getting really hard to focus on staying away from you. 

And when you shiver and curl up into his side, placing your head onto his shoulder, he can’t help but jolt at the contact, staring at you in surprise. 

“It’s cold,” you mumble, pouting.

Felix smiles. He rolls his eyes at you, even though on the inside, he finds you absolutely adorable, taking a blanket from the side of the sofa and putting it over your cold bodies, tucking you both in. You feel warm against his side, your hand resting on his chest. He wonders if you can feel his quickening heartbeat, his stiff body and the nerves rising in his heart. Everything else disappears, the fight back home long forgotten and Han Jisung left somewhere home with his own family, the weight of your body overwhelming him when you fall asleep and that’s when he stops and thinks,

isn’t this how home’s supposed to feel like?

The halls of the university building are empty as Felix stands right in front of the closed door, silently pacing around the corridors and bumping his knee up and down. He just got his final’s results and even though his soul was supposed to be at peace, he finds himself stressing over you, currently sitting in the room behind the closed door in front of him, getting your final’s results from biology back. The professor decided to split your class into two groups for the finals so you can, quote, ‘focus better when there’s less people around’ and even though you managed to cheat on your exams without any problems, he still wonders if you did well and if you passed. 

Once the voices behind the closed doors get louder and louder, he figures it’s near the end of your lecture and he can finally see you again and ask you how you did. 

The last time he talked to you without the stress of finals breathing onto your back was back on Christmas break-- more than a week ago. Ever since then, you two have been meeting in the middle of the night again, preparing for your upcoming tests. You didn’t really manage to talk a lot about anything else and even though Felix didn’t mind, he still missed your mindless rambles and weird jokes you used to crack when you weren’t stressing your mind off. 

The door opens and reveals people coming out, a few of them wearing a toothy grin on their faces as they glance on the paper in their hands, a few of them frowning as they pin their eyes to the ground. It’s not easy to differentiate the ones that passed and the ones who did not do that well and even though Felix feels sorry for them, he wonders why they just don’t cheat their way out of bad grades just how he does. It’s not that hard. It just takes a lot of practice. 

Once he finally sees your face, a big, toothy grin decorating your lips, a big stone falls off his heart, a weight lifts itself from his shoulders, because frankly, you wouldn’t look so happy if you failed, right? You’re not a total psychopath.

“How did you-” 

His words are cut off from his mouth, all air kicked out of his body once he feels you so close, the soft skin of your lips pressed up against his in a happy kiss. He’s startled, to say the least. His cheeks are reddening in the instance and he doesn’t even know if time stopped or if it’s just the rising anxiety and excitement in his chest, but he bites down the confusion and kisses you back finally, closing his eyes and bringing you close by your shoulders. The kiss is a little sloppy and messy, but he doesn’t mind-- all that’s occupying his mind right now is you, your sweet lips, your mouthy kiss, your excited hands creeping up around his neck, your bag that fell to the ground next to his feet, your exam paper marked with the big red A+ flying around the two of you when you let it fall from your grasp, your hair tickling his cheeks, you, you, you.

There’s only you. In the air he breathes, in the ground he walks on, in his hands and on his mind. You’re everywhere. Intoxicating.

You pull away from him after a while, grinning at him. It still manages to startle him a little-- how just the small gesture can light up his whole world, how your smile can make him feel like he’s the luckiest person on this earth. He sees stars in your eyes and he wonders who put them there, hoping to be the one, believing he could finally be the one, with how you look at him and hold him in your arms-

but it’s Felix’s life we’re talking about. There’s only you, you, you and maybe somewhere, far away in the distance, there could even be him, but who’s always there for sure is Han Jisung.

Han Jisung staring at the two of you from the open door, mouth agape in shock. Han Jisung with trembling hands, Han Jisung with his books clutched close to his chest as Felix’s heart drops and reality finally hits him. You were never supposed to be his to kiss. You were supposed to be Jisung’s-- his roommate’s, his best friend’s -- you fell for him long, long ago and that’s how it’s always been. 

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, to comfort his dear friend that looks like he’s heart’s being broken, but he finds no words in him to console his actions. He feels bad, he feels so, so guilty when their eyes meet, but he doesn’t manage to say anything before Jisung turns around the corner and leaves. 

The sound of Jisung’s quick steps is the only thing resonating in Felix’s mind like a bell, a signal for him that he fucked up, he did a really, really bad thing. 

His insides clutch and eyes water in the empty college corridor when he wonders,

is this how it feels to break someone’s heart?

You kick the small rocks beneath your feet, gazing into the distance. The cold in your bones makes you shudder, your eyes trailing around the neighbourhood so foreign to you, putting your hands into your pockets so you shelter your fingers from the frozen air. You think how this place looks exactly as you imagined it to-- tall apartment complex and a single big tree in front of it, the cars parked in the driveway obviously having their spot as the neighbours have lived together for a long time to know not to park anywhere else, because it’s more efficient this way. 

You’re waiting and waiting, hoping to see the one you’re waiting for soon, because you doubt your confidence will last you for any longer if you don’t talk to him now. You could lie and tell yourself it’s okay and that you’re not nervous at all, but after Jisung ran away the other day and his roommate followed him a few moments later, you feel nervousness creeping into your skin after not seeing or hearing from Felix for three days now. 

You remember him telling you that he likes to go for late-night convenience store runs every evening to get his favorite snacks. It wasn’t hard to find out where he lives-- it’s the 21st century, for god’s sake. You asked a friend of his friend and here you are, waiting  for him to appear in the door of his apartment complex, ready to talk to him about the events of this week.

Once you hear the door opening, you feel your head snap to its direction quicker than the speed of light, knees almost getting weak at the sight of Lee Felix standing there, confusion written all over his face once his eyes meet with yours. The frown forming on his face only deepens your stress as you wonder if he didn’t want to see you today, which, considering the fact that he’s been ignoring you for the past few days, might just be the case, but it still makes your heart break just a little when you hear him sigh once he makes his way over to you, the sound of his sneakers on the ground being the only thing heard in the middle of the night.

All the snow has melted-- as if all the bright things have left just in time with it, leaving you sad and cold, the clouds of your breath hitting the cold air being the only thing reminding you of the weather as you feel your body heating up in his presence. 

“Can we talk?” you ask, voice steadier than you expected it to be.

“I- I mean,” he starts, a shaky and husky voice hitting your ears, signaling that he probably hadn’t spoken to anyone for a long time now, “you’re already here, so I guess…”

You nod at him, averting your gaze quickly to the ground, when you realise you suddenly don’t know what to say. You try to search for words, yet none come out of your mouth. Your mind is blank and it seems like his presence took away all your vocabulary, but deep on the inside, you know damn well that if you don’t speak up now, you won’t have a second chance and you really have to get it now.

“Why- why…” you mutter, “why did you leave without saying anything the other day?” you ask.

The silence is overwhelming as you start to hate the sound of your own breath, opting to hold it for a few seconds as you await his response. 

“I mean, isn’t it obvious?” 

You shake your head in confusion, finally meeting his eyes again. “No.”

“Jisung… Jisung saw us. I didn’t feel like it was right,” he explains, cracking his knuckles in a nervous habit you noticed in him a long, long time ago when he first tried to teach you how to cheat in class without getting caught.

“What does he have to do with anything?”

“You two like each other.” he says bluntly, taking you off-guard.

The moment these words come out of his mouth, you realise not one, but two things. One of them is fairly new to you, the fact that Han Jisung liked you back was something you never knew you could experience, but even though you should be flattered, you realise it no longer holds a meaning in your heart. The second thing is connected to the first-- and that is, Lee Felix doesn’t know that you like him now. His foolish, silly mind convinced him you were still in love with his best friend, his confused and frustrated brain didn’t let him realise that for a long, long time now, the freckled boy in front of you has been the only one you thought about when you were falling asleep at night.

You don’t even know when it happened. You guess it just did. You wondered how it’d feel to know what exactly made you fall for Felix, what that moment was, but something inside of you is telling you that maybe, it was even more wonderful this way. Unexpected, but totally reasonable.

“Why would I be kissing you if I still liked Jisung?” you ask, the fear of directly confessing to him and getting rejected creeping up in your shadow.

“I- I don’t know-”

“Exactly.” you cut him off before he rambles and manages to find a stupid, silly reason in his head to justify his wrong expectations. You know how he is-- if he overthinks things hard enough, he’ll surely find an answer. There’s none, though, so you don’t dare to give him time to think about it and ponder on the thought for any longer.

“But that doesn’t matter now anyway,” he shrugs, putting his hands into his pockets.

You wonder what’s going on inside of his head right now. You wonder if he regrets what he’s done-- if he wants to turn back time and never let you kiss him. The nerves make you bite down harshly on your bottom lip and you only catch yourself when you feel iron in your mouth, quickly licking your own wound on the surface of your mouth and take a deep breath in. 

“Why?” you ask. 

“Why would it?” he says, eyes boring into yours.

“Because… I thought it meant something to you? I mean, it meant a lot to me, at least. That’s why I’m even here in the first place,” you chuckle airly, feeling your throat get dry.

“I’m not saying that it didn’t, I just think it had no point.”

His words feel like knives thrown into your chest, like a fire burning the pit of your stomach. You feel your legs getting weaker at his arguments, your fingers harshly tugging at the skin of your cuticles hidden in your pockets. You don’t trust your voice to sound steady this time when you speak, but you don’t care. Maybe it’s time to show your real emotions. Maybe it will change Felix’s mind.

“And why is that?”

“Because people like you don’t date people like me. You’re supposed to be in love with Jisung. You’re supposed to be dating him, he’s supposed to date you. You’re too good for me anyway.” he shrugs.

“Is this all about Jisung?” you ask, eyebrows furrowed.

You watch Felix sharply inhale in and out, averting his eyes from your figure. The distance between the two of you is unnatural, as if to singal how the two of you are slowly drifting apart. You see him fold his hands on his chest, preparing for what he’s about to say.

“It hurt him, back then. And I hate that. He loves you and I just.. I can’t do that to him, when I know  how much he cares about you.” he says.

Love is a strange thing. You hear Felix say how much Jisung loves you, but is that really true? Does Han Jisung even know you? The real you?

Does Jisung know how you look with your mouth full of fries and a greasy forehead? Does he know how you look when you’re stressed out of your mind because of finals? Does he know your favorite bistro, does he know your favorite movie? Did you cuddle up with Jisung on the couch just because you wanted to be close to him, comfort him and tell him you’re there just a few days after Christmas? 

Or does he just know the self you put up in front of him when you went to meet him? The put-together you that cares even about the sound of your own laugh, not wanting it to sound ugly in his ears? 

Han Jisung can’t love you. He doesn’t even know you.

And you never loved him-- just for the same reason. The feelings you had for him were merely a feeling of attraction, so far away from love.

But now you know how you feel about Felix, how his smile lights up the world and how his presence makes you feel understood. How even the silence with him speaks louder than a million words, how he knows you like the back of his hand and how he treats you like his closest friend. You know that what you feel when you’re with him is stronger than anything you ever have and although it used to scare you for a moment, now you’re ready to embrace it and live with it, if he lets you.

Lee Felix doesn’t tell you he loves you. Maybe you can see it in his eyes.

Why does he have to put everything above love? Why does he care about Jisung more than you? It’s breaking your heart. 

“Felix… I’m sure he’d understand. He’s a good person. I’m sure he’d want you to be happy.”

“Y/N, you don’t understand-”

“He’s a grown adult!” you yell out, the built-up emotions coming to the surface in the form of frustration, your words sunding spiteful and angry. Maybe you are furious, maybe you are full of fire right now, but it’s all because of the boy in front of you and the things he refuses to let himself enjoy.

“Why do you even care about it so much, huh? I was your fucking second choice all along anyway!” 

You look at him in shock, your eyes watering at the sight of the frown sitting on his face. Something inside of you breaks and you think it’s safe to say it was your heart, choking you up as you shake your head in disapproval. 

“Felix-” you protest, but there’s no use.

You see him turn around on his heel, opening the door to the apartment complex and leaving. It feels like you’re losing him, it feels like he’s gone forever. He turned his back on you, refusing all the love you were willing to give him, all the love you were offering to him right here, your heart in your hands.

He gave up on your love.

People in movies go out to party after a break-up to get drunk and numb their feelings. They either go to the club or go to a stupid college party, which is, coincidentally, your case today, but you’re not here to get drunk tonight. You’re not here to drown out your feelings and numb your pained soul-- you’re simply here to try to have some fun.

Your mum told you long, long ago that happiness is a choice. You could argue with her and tell her that depression and heartbreak aren’t a choice and that they, by themselves, are causing people the most sadness, but you had to give your mum a point. If you don’t choose to try, if you don’t do anything to at least try to stimulate your own brain, you can’t expect happiness to find you by itself. That’s just, sadly, not how life works, and you weren’t going to drown out in your own tears just because of Lee fucking Felix, because if you weren’t worth trying for him, he’s not worth any of your tears.

You appear on Lee Haechan’s end of the semester party. You have A+ finals to celebrate and although you would be much happier to drink to them with the one that basically helped you get through the semester, you won’t pass the chance to socialize. You worked hard and you did a good job-- you deserve a party. Alcohol truly isn’t the best for your brain, but you will just decide to call it selfcare. It’s not like you’re getting blacked-out drunk tonight anyway.

You manage to have small talk with a few people from your class. Though it’s not exactly what’s stimulating your brain, you don’t mind it. You barely know these people and you couldn’t care less, but you guess this is the downside of socialising. 

The alcohol in your veins doesn’t give you a chance to loosen up, though. You only feel your body warmer with the beer hitting your system, but your feelings still taste of salt, your brain not cooperating with your grandiose happiness plan and you think the people talking to you notice, since no one really tries to keep you in a conversation long enough when you start to absently nod at them and pay zero attention to what they’re saying. You don’t blame them, though. You’d probably do the same in their place.

Your feet move their way to the front door when you decide that maybe your mum wasn’t right, completely ready to go home and pity yourself for a few more days before coming back to life, when a familiar voice calls you from behind, making you freeze in your spot.

“Y/N, long time no see.”

Han Jisung watches you with glossy eyes, yet he tries to look nonchalant at the sight of you. It doesn’t feel like his heart is breaking when he sees you right here and there, chewing on your bottom lip, more or less, it feels numbing to his heart and his head. It’s like he expected it all from the start-- the outcome that once so surprised him. But after all this time he spent overthinking and dwelling on the memory of seeing you kissing his best friend, it made sense to him. 

“Jisung…”

He can see your eyes growing worried when you watch over him and he mentally slaps himself for not handling his emotions with more care back then. He could have spared you a lot of pain and trouble if he hadn’t reacted in such a way in the doorway of your classroom, but the truth is, Han Jisung hadn’t really known just how much a true heartbreak feels and nothing could ever prepare him for the physical pain numbing his chest. He didn’t know it could hurt so much. 

He doesn’t want to worry you. You are still his friend, after all, right? That’s all you always have been and he should have understood it from the first moment he saw you gaze at his friend so lovingly in the university halls one day. He thinks you, yourself, didn’t even recognise the emotion in you when you watched over Felix with so much care, with so many stars in his eyes and a big grin on your face. He could never compare himself to Felix.

He doesn’t want to worry you anymore, and so he decides to talk to you like a friend would. You looked like you could use a friend tonight.

“How have you been?” he asks, smiling at you. He hopes his eyes convey the emotion he feels-- how after all this time, he still feels comfortable with you and desperately needs you to do the same. He can’t lose another friend. Not to love. 

That happens every single time. Truth be told, Jisung used to have a problem with differentiating true love from platonic feelings sometimes. He used to think he falls out of love just as quickly as he falls in, but the truth is that it was never even love at all. Sometimes, it was just pure admiration. Feelings for a friend. And he managed to ruin all his friendships just because he started dating them. 

And then, he just kept searching and searching for the right one, because no one ever felt right. No one ever made him feel loved, no one ever made him feel love. It felt suffocating, but so, so addicting. He could never give up on trying to find love.

And then he met you. And it finally made sense-- it finally felt right.

“I’m… I’m fine, thanks,” you say, smiling at him with that smile that still, admittedly, made his heart race and swell with love. He’s not afraid to call the emotion by its name. It doesn’t feel wrong. He used to think he wants it to stop, but the truth is, it still feels nice. 

Love feels like loneliness sometimes. It’s a bittersweet feeling. But it’s still so, so addicting.

“Are you sure?” he asks. He knows you. He knows when something’s wrong.

He also knows your eyes have been searching for his roommate for the past few minutes of your conversation. He knows you want to meet him and avoid him all at once, love him and leave him-- it was a paradox. 

He knows his roommate way too well, though. He knows he can’t fall out of love with you. He knows, though, that he’ll never act upon it. Lee Felix has always been the sweetest person in this whole entire world-- putting the needs of others before his own. He can’t keep doing this to himself.He can’t keep doing this to you.

“I think you know the answer, Jisung. Why do you keep asking, then?” you bitterly snicker, going around him and escaping the noisy house. Jisung doesn’t know if you want to leave, if you want to escape his presence, but he can’t leave you just like that, and so he follows you outside, seeing you sitting at the doorstep, as if you were waiting for him.

“You don’t have to think of me, you know that, right?” he says once he takes a seat next to you, watching your expression change into a pained one. 

“It’s… I don’t know. It’s complicated. And Felix- he doesn’t think it’s right. I can’t force him into anything. It was his choice anyway,” you mutter. Jisung sighs heavily, the feeling your words on his chest heavy and solemn. He hates the fact that he is standing in the way of your happiness. He hates the fact that he is the problem, the invisible wall keeping you two from each other. 

“It’s simple, though.” he shrugs.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, a heavy sigh escaping your lips. He takes it upon himself to explain before you begin to tell him that it’s not, opting to open your eyes on his own.

“You two are in love with each other. So you should be together. Isn’t that simple?” he asks, smiling at you subtly.

You scoff and shake your head. “He gave up on us.”

“Did he, or did he just do what he felt was right?” Jisung argues. “You can’t keep hiding from each other. You can’t keep trying to ignore your feelings just because I like you. That’s not fair for either of you.”

You don’t argue with him this time. He wonders what’s going on inside of your head at the moment, with your eyebrows furrowed and your bottom lip trapped in your teeth. You look just like all the times he watched you during your tutoring sessions-- focused and lost in thought. It will feel weird to not see you in that way anymore, but he has to try.

The same way Lee Felix always tried for him.

“You’re too sweet, Han Jisung. What a shame our timing’s off.” you say, bitterness coating your voice. He looks up at you again, wondering what your words mean. “I used to like you back then, you know,” you smile.

Here it is, the strange emotion again. The emotion of almost physical pain, a hand squeezing his heart, a knife stabbed into his back. It feels like his world is crumbling down on him, because he’s stupid-- so stupid. He could have had you back then. He could have been with you all this time, only if he wasn’t late. He missed his biggest chance, the biggest opportunity, the happiest time of his life. All because he was too hesitant. 

He didn’t deserve you anyway.

“But now your timing’s right with Felix. Don’t waste that,” he says, biting through the pain.

Because the truth is, if anyone deserved love, it was his roommate. The one that refused you for him, the one that rejected you for him, the one that set him up on a date with you even though you invited him in the first place. The one who gave up on his love only so he wouldn’t hurt his friend. You could say that Jisung was too good for this world, but Lee Felix is the one that deserves the whole entire world, in his eyes.

Maybe these two were just too good of friends. Caring about the other one twice as much as about themselves. And that’s exactly why Jisung will get over this-- he’ll push you to his friend. So he could be happy, finally. 

“Jisung, I don’t know-”

“Do it,” he cuts you off, “reach out to him again. Try it. For me.”

y/n: meet me at the 8Bistro at 9 

Felix can’t believe himself when he finds his legs moving to the direction of the bistro at the edge of the town. He knows it’s the last one on your list, the one you invited him to so you could celebrate your finals in and he finds himself wondering if he could have gone here with you earlier only if the two of you didn’t share that kiss back then.

That damned kiss he couldn’t stop thinking about for the last few days-- even weeks, every time he opened his eyes in the morning and closed them when he was about to sleep. It kept following him like a curse, a thing he couldn’t escape, as if it was testing him like the snake tested Eve in paradise. Foreign fruit. 

You’re sitting there already when he arrives, fingers playing with each other as you gaze at the door in expectation. He sees your usual order already on the table, assuming you got here early, but it’s untouched as your knee bumps up and down under the table and you bite down harshly on your bottom lip.

He takes a seat, allowing himself to look at you again after such a long time. It feels like it’s been ages, yet you still look the same to him-- the same beauty that hit him when he first met you and shared his biggest secret with you.

“Why aren’t you eating? You have to finish off your list,” he mumbles awkwardly, motioning to the food at the table.

“I wanted to wait for you.” you say. Your voice is quiet, almost shy, when you speak to him. He wonders just how much he fucked up that it made you act this way. He knows it’s probably a lot, but considering he’s sitting here right now, he can still fix it.

At least he hopes so. 

“Did you.. Do you want to talk to me about something?” he asks, nervosity filling his veins as he feels his hands form a little swimming pool with just how much he’s sweating.

“Yes,” you nod, taking a deep breath in and out. He wonders if you’re just as nervous as he is. The answer is probably yes, considering your tense shoulders and restless legs, but he doesn’t comment on it as he watches you begin speaking again. “I wanted to tell you that I’m- I’m in love with you. And that it’s for real, and it’s for you and no one else,” you start, quickly wetting your lips and continuing again, “and I know you must feel like a second choice, or like you weren’t important to me at all, but that’s not true.”

“You helped me so much, really, but the more I hung out with you, the more I realised just how wonderful you are. And how your heart is so big, how you’re fun to be around…” you ramble, taking Felix by surprise with your heart-felt monologue, “and that Jisung is not the one for me, because, well, it was just.. it was just a crush. I didn’t know him. He didn’t even know me that well. Crushes… they don’t mean anything. They’re silly. But what I have with you, Felix…” you say, drifting your eyes away from him for a second,

“I know you. The real you. And you know me. You’ve seen me at my worst. You’ve seen me struggle and you know exactly how to help. You know me and I know you and the feelings I have for you are much more than a silly crush. I love you, Felix. And I don’t want to just forget about us.” you complete and Felix swears he can feel his eyes watering at your words. He chooses not to speak up, afraid of his voice breaking, afraid he’s going to embarrass himself in front of you. His emotions got the best of him and right here and now, no one else matters. 

It’s you. You that feels like home, you, the only girl he’s ever loved. You, the only girl that ever loved him back, you, who he foolishly rejected. 

You’re everywhere. In his veins, in his heart, in his foolish, stupid mind.

“Felix… I don’t want you to give up on us.” 

He looks up, seeing your sincere eyes and a look full of worry. You seem so wonderful to him, even now. You’re everything he’s ever dreamt of, a home without a roof and walls. With you, he feels at ease. He trusts you. He’s never felt this way for anyone before.

He watches you and he hears your laugh, he hears your whines when he used to tease you so much. He hears the sound of your memories when he chased you around in the snow. He hears the opening song of Howl’s moving castle, reminding him of the warmth he felt when you hugged him so close that evening.

He used to want to hate you. He should have known that could never be the case.

You’re all he needs-- all he wants. You’re everywhere he looks, in every beauty of the world and in everything that’s dear to him. 

You, you, you, you.

And so he decides-- it’s time to change his plan.

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 1) hold her hand, 2) get rid of the guilt, 3) lean in and kiss her.

“Does that mean you’re giving us a chance?” you ask, hopeful eyes glaring at him with millions of stars in them, sparkles swimming around in perfection.

“We’ll talk after you eat. You have a yelp review to write,” he laughs.

“Feli-”

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 4) shut her up by forcing french fries into her mouth.

“I love you too.”

#districtninewriters #this one means a lot to me i surely hope it appears in the tags bc if not i will cry #kafenetwork #kpopscape #straykidsland #stayhavennet #stray kids #lee felix #stray kids au #stray kids angst #stray kids fluff #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fanfiction #stray kids imagine #stray kids scenario #stray kids oneshot #lee felix au #lee felix angst #lee felix fluff #lee felix fanfic #lee felix fic #lee felix fanfiction #lee felix imagine #lee felix scenario #lee felix oneshot

[heavenlyhischier]

only when you're high - rafe cameron

word count: 4.3k

summary: Rafe only ever talks to you when he's high, and you've eventually had enough.

warnings: angst i guess, language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, lil makeout sesh at the end

note: ik this isn't the request but i've been working on this for a while so here ya go <3 this is def not my best writing so dont judge it too harshly

3:53 a.m.

You had been dreaming about your cat taking over a world full of people with fish heads when the incessant ringing from your phone jolted you awake. You blindly flung your hand onto the nightstand, knocking over a half empty water bottle and a bottle of ibuprofen before your fingers grazed the cool screen. You picked up the device, nearly blinding yourself when you opened your eyes to see who was calling you at such an ungodly hour. Once your eyes adjusted to the screen’s brightness, the name ‘Stupid Kook’ was displayed across the top. You hesitantly swiped to answer.

“What in the flying fuck do you want,” You whisper yelled, propping your half-conscious body up with your elbow.

“Hey, baby,” He greeted, his voice dragging as if he was thinking too hard about his words. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”

You stopped breathing for a moment, not sure what you were supposed to say to his weird revelation. You had been having a weird thing with Rafe for a few months now. After many drinks, you would often finding yourself making out with him in a secluded area. Despite your random make out sessions, he had never once called you to simply hear your voice. In fact, he hadn’t even called you before. It was usually always a quick ‘wyd’ text at midnight and nothing more.

“That’s weird, you’ve never called me before,” You pointed out, “You’ve also never called me baby before, so what’s that about?”

“Mm, I don’t know. Always wanted to call you that before so why not? What are you up to, baby,” He asked, his words slurring together in a way that could only happen while under the influence.

“You’re high aren’t you,” You sighed. Of course, he was high. You should have known that from the get-go. Rafe Cameron wouldn’t have called you sober; he never even looked at you sober.

A brief silence hung over the line, Rafe’s heavy breathing being the only thing coming through the receiver. “Maybe a little. Had a rough day, so I went to see Barry and now I’m at Topper’s. Talking to you.”

You couldn’t help but let a small smile grace your features; a smile that was gone almost as soon as it came. You let your elbow fall from its position, your head falling back onto the pillow that was still warm from when you were asleep. “How sweet of you. What are you doing, anyways? Shouldn’t you be getting shitfaced and taking some innocent girl to bed?”

He let out an airy laugh before speaking. “The only one I’d like to take to bed is you, and we somehow always stop before it gets to that point. Anyways, it’s just me, Topper, and Kelce, and I started thinking about us in the back of my truck when we were outside. Before I knew what I was doing, you answered the phone.”

Your cheeks flared red as images of Rafe’s hands exploring your body flashed through your mind, the feeling of his ring on your skin igniting something inside of you. His mouth latching onto the sensitive spots of your neck as your moans filled his truck. You let your fingers ghost over your lips as if you could still feel his own on yours. More memories of him exploring your body in every way but the way you wanted him most were running through your mind. Every time you wanted to give in to him, give in to your urges, but you couldn’t.

“You know, I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you and I hate it,” He started, his words still slow, “I hate it because you’ll never let me have you.”

“Rafe,” You groaned, running a hand over your tired face, “I don’t really feel like giving myself to someone who only talks to me when they’re drunk or high. Someone who would rather be caught dead than with a pouge.”

“You know it’s not like that, baby. It’s complicated,” He tried, and you could tell there was a hint of unfamiliar panic in his voice.

“It always is. Guess I’ll see or talk to you next time you get fucked up. Goodnight Rafe,” You whispered before hanging up on the boy, ignoring his desperate protests.

1:38 a.m.

You turned the shower water off before stepping out onto the cool tiled floor, water dripping from every part of your body. You chose to ignore the buzzing coming from your phone, moving to grab the towel hung on the back of your bathroom door. However, the buzzing started again as you were drying off your legs.

“Who the fuck,” You groaned as you wrapped the towel around your still wet body. ‘Stupid Kook’ was making a second appearance, much to your surprise. “Yes, Rafe?”

“What’s up your ass,” He laughed his infectious laugh. You could picture him throwing his head back and his glazed over eyes twinkling with amusement, something you had only seen when you found yourself admiring him from afar.

“Nothings up my ass. Just don’t know what your high ass wants this time.” You gripped your phone in your hand and started to walk back towards your room. Your parents had fallen asleep hours ago, so you had to make sure you were quiet. However, that deemed difficult in the darkest hours of the night in your already poorly lit house. You bumped your hip and stubbed your toe on just about anything that was out in the open. Once you were in your room, you hastily shut the door and flipped the light switch on.

“Hello! Hello! Hello! Where are you,” Rafe yelled, making you wince and pull the phone away from your ear.

“Jesus, dude. Calm down, I was walking back to my room,” You chastised, doing your best to hold your phone in between your ear and shoulder.

“What were you doing? I missed you,” He pouted.

You ignored the swelling you got in your heart and said, “I was leaving the bathroom. I just finished showering. What are you doing?”

You grabbed a clean pair of underwear and a shirt you had taken from JJ after you had thrown up over whatever you were wearing that night. Rafe began telling you what he was doing, which was quite literally nothing. However, he quickly dove into a spout of how you were naked and wet and how badly he wanted to see you without any clothes on. Your cheeks were burning as he went on and on about all of the sinful things he wanted to do to you. You let him ramble on a bit more as you turned the light off once you were clothed and ready for bed.

“Okay, that’s enough, Rafe,” You stopped him, pulling your blanket back so you could crawl in bed. “So, calling me two times within a week? You falling in love with me?”

It was so painfully obvious that it was a joke, but you could practically feel the tension radiating through your phone from Rafe’s end. His abrupt silence concerned you because this boy was far from silent when he was doped out.

“Maybe I am,” He finally got out, and you couldn’t detect any sarcasm in it.

“Sure you are,” You rolled your eyes, blaming exhaustion for briefly clouding your judgment, “If you were in love with me, you’d actually talk to me when you aren’t too fucked to remember your own name.”

You started picking at a loose thread on your blanket as you let your mind wander to what life would be life if you had an actual relationship with Rafe. Going to parties with him. Hanging around the Island Club with him and his friends. Him doing lines off your body before having his way with you.

“I will talk to you when I’m not high,” His voice broke you from your thoughts, “If that’s what you really want.”

“I do,” You said way too quickly, “I mean, yeah sure. That would be nice, I guess.”

“Just text me and I’ll answer.” You couldn’t stifle the yawn that escaped your lips, but you did try and hide it from Rafe. Your attempt was no good, though. “You’re tired, go to bed.”

“No, I’m fi-.”

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Rafe shouted over you, “Talk to you soon, baby.”

Rafe’s name popped up on your phone screen every few days after he had gotten drunk out of his mind or too high to do anything other than find your contact. You didn’t mind it at first, but after you had texted him during the day and those messages went unanswered, you grew hurt and annoyed. You had tried asking him why he wouldn’t respond, but he always found a way to change the subject. You wanted to ask him about it in person, but you hadn’t seen him in almost a month. You wanted to ask him why he couldn’t bother to pick up the phone when he was sober, but wasted no time in calling you as soon as he got his bump in.

One of the nights he called, you offered to have him come over because your parents were gone, but he said no. Made up some excuse about how he was staying with Topper for a while since Sarah cheated on him and he wanted to be there for his friend. You understood that, so you didn’t push him after that. Then, the next time you told him about a party everyone was going to and how you wanted to see him there. You even told him to bring the other two. That time he told you he was staying away from parties for a while, wanting to stay to himself for the most part due to the constant stress from his dad. You knew how Ward could be sometimes, so it wasn’t hard to believe him and move on from there.

You wanted to be mad to him for only acknowledging you when he was high, but you couldn’t be. You’ve always wanted to feel wanted by somebody, and he made you feel like that albeit only when he was far gone from reality. You could deal with it as long as you got to talk to him, no matter how insecure it made you. Well, you thought you could.

2:25

Your parents were gone for the night, so you opted to watch Marvel movies in the living room. You were so invested in watching Iron Man and shoving popcorn in your mouth that you didn’t feel your phone go off the first six times. Or the fifteen times after that. Not that you would have cared either way. You knew the only person it could be was the boy who never wanted you sober. The credits began rolling across the TV, so you finally decided to pick up your discarded phone. You were shocked to see Rafe had called you eight times and texted you thirteen. Overall, his texts said the same thing.

Why aren’t u answering me :(

Call me pls

I wanna talk to you baby

It was if he knew you were finally looking at your phone because his contact popped up not ten seconds later. You rolled your eyes, but reluctantly answered.

“Y/N! Where have you been,” He whined into the receiver, “I’ve been trying to call you for like two hours.”

“Watching movies,” Your words were sharp and short, not particularly wanting to talk to him right now. You’ve nearly reached your breaking point with him.

Rafe could immediately tell something was off with you by the way you sounded. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”

You took a deep breath in, setting your bowl of popcorn on the coffee table after you paused the end credit scene. You leaned forwards and planted your elbow on your knee as you held your head in annoyance.

“I’m fine, Rafe. I’m just getting fed up with you only wanting to talk to me when you’re high or drunk,” You started, “I used to be fine with it because it once every couple of weeks, but now it’s almost every day and it’s annoying. You told me to text you when you’re sober, and I did, but you never responded. I try and offer to come over to you or have you come to me, but you always have an excuse. I know you want to be there for Topper and you don’t really want to be around anyone right now, but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.”

“Y/N, I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just-It’s complicated. Please understand that,” He was practically begging you to listen to him.

“Rafey, are you coming back to play beer pong with us,” A female voice suddenly cut through the sudden sound of music.

Your breathing stopped and your heart felt like it was being squeezed by Rafe’s own hand. A wave of heartbreak crashed over your entire body. “‘I just don’t want to be around anyone’ huh? Thought you were just spending time with Topper for a while? You know, if you didn’t want to see me, all you had to do was say so,” You whimpered, hurt now mixing with your anger and annoyance.

“No, wait,” He tried, yelling at whoever came in the room to get out, “Y/N, please. It isn’t lik-“

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. It is like that, Rafe. It is exactly like that. You don’t want to see me, and that is fine. I get it. Why would you ever want to be seen with someone from the Cut? It doesn’t matter, though. Don’t call me anymore. You lied to me. That is not something that I can forgive,” Your tears were too strong to hold back now, “I don’t care for liars, Rafe Cameron, and you’re the biggest one of all.”

You quickly hung up and turned off your phone, throwing it towards the end of the couch so you weren’t tempted to grab it. You grabbed the large blanket from the back of the couch, picked another movie, and let your tears fall as it played in front of you.

“Honey,” Your moms gentle voice broke through, “You fell asleep on the couch.”

You slowly opened your eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light shining through the giant window. The headache hit you like a ton of brinks, causing you to squeeze your eyes shut in pain. Your mom was hovering over you, her hand on your shoulder and her soft eyes pretending to not notice how puffy your cheeks and red your eyes are.

“I guess so,” You mumbled, pushing yourself up into a sitting position, “I’ll go lay down in my room. I’m still tired.”

She gave you an understanding nod with a caring smile and helped you off the couch. Her hand lingered on your back as if she wanted to say something to you, but she decided to leave it alone for now. You would talk to her when you were ready, if you ever were. You gave her a thumbs up when she told you her and your father would be out again most of the day.

Your feet dragged as you stumbled back to your room, using the wall to keep you steady. You pushed the door open with your foot and gave your cat, who was laying on your bed as if she owned it, a stupid smile. You fell onto the bed and pulled her onto your chest as you turned your phone back on. You were scared to confront the actions from last night, but knowing Rafe, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to even send you a text about it. You were quickly proven wrong the moment your phone turned back on. The vibration from all of the texts, voicemails, and snapchats felt like it lasted for five straight minutes. Nearly all were from the boy you wanted nothing to do with. Although, you noticed a voicemail from Topper, who you forgot even had your number.

Um, hey its Topper. Look dude, I don’t know what happened, but Rafe is freaking out like a bitch right now. He keeps mumbling shit about how he fucked things up with, which I didn’t even know you two were a thing but whatever I don’t really care. He kicked everyone out of my house and has been calling and texting you for like thirty minutes straight now so please call him back, so he shuts the fuck up. If not for him, do it for my sanity before I kill him. Uh, yeah, thanks, bye.

You sighed deeply after the voicemail cut off, your heart rate increasing at the thought of Rafe being upset. If he was bad enough that Topper of all people called you, you knew it was bad. You wanted to not care because of how he made you feel, but you did. You’ve always cared about the blond boy more than you cared to admit. You finally decided to look at the messages he sent you.

Y/N pls call me back

I’m sorry its not what it looks like and I know that sounds stupid but its true

Pls talk to me. I need u to talk to me

I promise that I never wanted to hurt u ok???

I love you, Y/N. Please call me or I’m coming to your house tomorrow.

The world stopped spinning when you read the last message. You kept reading it over and over again as if you misread it the first time. Rafe had never been any kind of affectionate with you until he called you baby. Rafe Cameron was not someone known to get emotional, so you weren’t sure if you believed his words. He was a liar and would do anything to get what he wanted, so what was different now?

You heard a knock on the door followed by your moms muffled voice, but you were too focused on the situation in front of you to notice who it was. Your eyes were glued to the screen, staring at the three words you never thought anyone other than your family and friends would say to you. The world around you was fading away, your heart feeling as if it was going to beat out of your chest as tears slid down your still puffy cheeks. You weren’t going to let him do this to you. You weren’t going to let him toy with you anymore.

“Y/N,” A deep voice dragged you out of your subconscious.

Your eyes darted over to the door and saw the last person you wanted to see. Rafe was standing there, his eyes wide and blood shot and he looked like total shit. His hair was a wild mess, nothing like its usual tamed state. You met his gaze and you wished you hadn’t. One look from him and you were puddy in his hands. One look and every thought you had about never seeing him again flew out the window.

“Hey, can we talk,” He mumbled, his bright blue eyes looking everywhere but at you. “Please.”

Not trusting your words, you gave him a swift nod and gestured to the spot next to you on your bed. You leaned to the side and placed your cat on the ground, watching as she rubbed herself all over Rafe’s leg before scampering away. His walk to your bed was painfully slow, and you wanted to tell him to hurry up, but you knew that was unreasonable.

“What do you want, Rafe,” Your voice was harsh, trying to ignore the urge to reach out to him. “What do you want to talk about? How you only use me for your own pleasure? How you only ever even look at me when you’re drunk or high? How you lied to me? Wanna talk about that?”

Your anger surprised even yourself. One second you wanted to hold him in your arms and comfort him, but then the memory of how he treated you came back and flipped a switch in your brain. You don’t know how you feel and you hate it.

“I deserve every bit of your anger,” He breathed out, letting his hand fall dangerously close to your own, “But please let me explain everything to you, okay?”

“Fine,” You gave in, “Talk.”

“Yeah, thank you, okay. I really do want to talk to you when I’m not absolutely fucked, I do. I know that it doesn’t seem like that, but its true. I just, I can’t. Every time I look at you, think about you, I hear my dads voice screaming at me that I will never be good enough for anyone. I have this thought drilled into my head every day that no matter what I do, who I am, I am just never enough. To me, you’re no exception to that. In fact, you remind me even more. Wait no.”

Rafe rubbed both of his hands over his face and tugged at his hair, afraid that he’s already fucking this up. “Rafe,” You gently spoke up, turning to grab his hands from his face. “It’s fine. Keep going.”

His eyes met yours and you could see how strained he was. There were too many emotions swirling in his eyes for you to pinpoint exactly what he was feeling. “Okay, um, okay. To me, you are way too good for me, so the only time I feel comfortable talking to you is when I’m high. I’ve never had trouble talking to any girl before, but you’re more than that to me. You’re more than just some girl to me and it scares me, so I feel like I have to be, yanno, not me. When I talk to you. I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted to be with someone in my life”

Your hand was still holding his as you let his words sink in. Him revealing how his dad truly made him feel made your heart ache for him. It made you want to grab him by the face and tell him how he is more than good enough. You wanted to let him in, but you weren’t sure if you were ready for the risk that came along with it. You’re not sure if you want all the things that came with being with Rafe Cameron. He’s followed by hurt and lies, and you do feel guilty thinking that, but it’s been proven true countless times.

“Rafe, listen to me,” You began, moving so you were straddling him and holding his face in your hands. His hands immediately came to grip your hips, and you are well aware that this was a more than compromising situation. “I understand that your father is probably the worst person we both know, but that doesn’t excuse you lying to me. I don’t know if I can trust you, no matter how much I may want to.”

You watched as tears gather in his eyes, and he was doing his best to keep them at bay. He had never felt the way he feels about you before, and he’s more than aware that his reputation precedes him. He knows that he’s done nothing more than prove how untrusting he is to you, but he wouldn’t let that stop him from trying to prove to you that he means what he’s saying.

“I know that nothing I say will fix what I’ve already done. I know that, but I can show you just how much you mean to me, if you’ll let me. We can go at your pace. Do things your way. Just, please, give me another chance to prove myself to you.”

You’re searching for any detection of a lie in his eyes, in his voice, but you come up empty. You wipe away the stray tears that broke through his wall of protection. You hesitantly placed your forehead on his, and you could hear him take in a sharp breath at the connection. Your eyes fluttered closed, your nose brushing against his as you weighed all of your options.

“Did you mean what you to me? In your last text,” You whispered, too scared to open your eyes and look at him. “Do you actually love me?”

“More than you know,” His breath was hot against your chin, and he pulled you closer into him.

You decided to take a leap, dive into something that scared you more than anything. Your lips finally met his, and Rafe wasted no time in returning the feeling. Your hands fell from his cheeks and clasped each other behind his neck, while his hands stayed placed on your hips, too scared to push you too far. You deepened the passion filled kiss by pulling him closer to you and running your tongue across his bottom lip. Rafe’s lips moved in such a sensual way that you almost didn’t know how to react. It was much different from the lust filled kisses you’ve shared in the past. You started moving your hips on top of him, an action that had him gripping your hips tighter than before.

Y/N,” Rafe breathed out after he broke away from you, “If you don’t stop, I don’t know if I can control myself.”

“Then don’t.”

i have not edited this so if you see a mistake lmk. love u

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron imagine #drew starkey #drew starkey imagine #obx #obx imagine #outer banks #outer banks imagine

[andvys]

I don’t need no other

warnings: angst, fluff, mentions of cheating

pairing: Jasper Hale x reader

@joelsgeetar <3

-

Falling in love is supposed to be beautiful, it’s supposed to make you feel all warm and loved, excited but nervous at the same time as you keep falling more and more in love.

But for you, it’s sad and heartbreaking, you don’t feel warm, instead you feel cold and hurt as you watch him get close to someone else.

He is your friend, you shouldn't have expected him to reciprocate your feelings but the fleeting touches, the glances and sweet gestures like walking you to class or showing up at your house at 2 am in the morning just to convince you to go out with him to watch the stars with him gave you a sliver of hope, that he might’ve felt the same way but than you noticed how close him and Alice are.

Realization dawned on you and you were met with the disappointing fact that you aren't the one he wants, she was, at least that’s what you believed.

You knew that staying with him, keep being his friend would just hurt you more and more and would leave you with a broken heart in the end, so you tried to get over him by dating someone else, thinking it would distract you and keep you from falling further in love with him.

But it’s impossible.

You still stare at him whenever he sits across from you telling you stories, you still long for his touch whenever he feels close enough for you to intertwine your fingers with his, just like right now, you are sitting next to him on the bus on the ride back to Forks after the Field trip.

You felt sad and went back to the bus before everyone else did after you witnessed your boyfriend flirting with another girl, like he always did.

Jasper followed you back and comforted you as best as he could, although as bad as he felt for you, he couldn't help but be happy about your boyfriend messing up.

He hates knowing that you are with someone else, someone who is incapable of loving you the way he could love you, hold you, touch you, feel you.

You are his mate.

And he is madly in love with you, he just regrets not having done anything about it when you weren't dating anyone.

He knew you were his mate from the moment he laid eyes on you and while he pulled you into his life and got close to you his first response was to take a step back when he realized how in love he is with you. Jasper wants you so bad, he always did. He wants you forever. In his forever.

But when he realized what he would pull you into he stopped himself from doing anything about the love he felt for you, ignoring the unstoppable bond you both shared.

Alice told him that you and him are going to end up together no matter what, she told him you are meant for each other, you are meant to love one another and spend your life’s together.

It took him time to accept the life he would drag you into but once he did, you were dating someone else already and it crushed his heart.

He felt heartbroken and sad but when he realized why you started dating Liam, he understood.

He knows you don’t really love him, he feels the way you feel when you’re around him, he sees the way you look at him and the way you act around him.

He knows you are in love with him, not your boyfriend.

He hates Liam with a passion and can’t help but get excited at the thought of your boyfriend messing up and it seems like he has been doing that quiet a lot lately, which gave Jasper the perfect chance to get closer to you again.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt your head falling against his shoulder, he looks down at you noticing that you fell asleep, he smiles down at you before he puts his arm around your shoulder, holding you closer to him.

Looking back up, he finds Liam glaring at him, as he stares at your sleeping form cuddled into him.

Jasper can’t help but smirk at him as he feels how angry Liam has gotten at the way he is touching you. Liam always got mad and pissed off whenever he found Jasper touching you or helping you carry your books to class and Jasper loved nothing more than to show him that you aren't Liam’s girl.

You might be dating someone else but you are his girl.

-

“Babe, are you even listening?” Liam asks, waving his hand in front of your face, pulling you out of your thoughts as you stare at Jasper, who stares back at you from across the Cafeteria, an intense look in his eyes. If you didn't know any better, you’d say he is glaring at you.

Shaking your head, you break eye contact with Jasper and look back at your boyfriend, to see not only him staring at you but also his friends, as if they’re waiting for an answer or something.

You furrow your brows in confusion as you look at Liam, silently asking him what he asked you when you spaced out.

He rolled his eyes at you, “I asked if you still wanted to go the party?” he asked, sighing in annoyance, as he realized you weren't listening.

“What party?”

“The bonfire party.” the girl sitting next to Liam tells you, as she looks at you with an unreadable expression on her face.

It’s the same girl he has been flirting with on the field trip and now she is sitting next to him, closer than you are, as if she is dating him instead of you.

You aren't jealous but you are bothered, to see someone get close to someone who isn't single.

“yeah.. sure.” you mumble as you avert your eyes to look back to Jasper, finding him walk towards you.

Your eyes widen slightly, he usually never came to speak to you when you were around your boyfriend.

You note the smirk on his face as he sees the way your eyes widen in surprise to see him walk towards the table your boyfriend and his friends sit at.

“Darlin’.” he nods at you, with a smug smile on his face, feeling how flustered and shy you’d gotten “Can I speak to you?”

“S-sure.” you stutter out, glancing at your boyfriend, who glared at Jasper as if he wanted to drop him dead on the spot while Jasper just looked unimpressed as he stared back at him.

You got up and looked at Jasper, brushing your hand against his to pull him out of his thoughts as you saw anger flash in his eyes when he looked down at Liam.

His eyes met yours when he felt your hand touching his, calming him down instantly. You are the only one that has ever managed to calm him down, to pull him away from the anger he’s feeling.

“Let’s go.” he says, as he puts his hand on your lower back, walking out of the cafeteria with you but not without glancing back at Liam one more time, glaring at him with a slight smirk on his face.

-

You don’t know why you came here, your boyfriend ditched you the minute you got to the party, walking off with one of his friends, telling you that he’d be back in a few minutes and that was one hour ago.

You got sick of waiting for him and you felt angry at him too. He knows you hate going to public places, especially parties and yet he still leaves you alone.

You found yourself wishing that Jasper was here, he was the only one that managed to calm you down, even without using his powers. His presence was calming to you, he managed to make you feel safe and comforted.

Looking around one last time, you see Liam’s friends but not himself.

It isn't hard to figure out where he is or who he is with but you ignore that thought and drink the last sip of your beer before leaving the empty bottle on the table and decide to go home.

The bonfire party was held by a beautiful waterfall, in the forest. Usually you’d be too afraid to walk alone through the woods at night but right now you are too angry to pay attention to any weird noises around you as you walk further and further away from loud chatter and music.

Jasper would have never left alone and he would never let you walk alone in the dark either.

A weird noise pulls you out of your thoughts as you stop dead in your tracks, looking around you, you try to see if there is anything or anyone around you but it’s hard to see, the moon being the only source of light in the dark forest.

Your heart begins to race as you hear a branch snapping somewhere close to you followed by a loud whimper.

“Fuck..” you mumble, closing your eyes you take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down as you felt the panic rising in your chest.

You know there can be worse things than animals out here so you feel more than afraid but you start walking towards the sound nonetheless, telling yourself that someone might need your help.

The whimpers getting louder the closer you get and so does your heartbeat, you prepare for the worst as you walk around a big oak tree to see what there is but the sight you are met with is what you least expected, you immediately retract, not wanting to be seen by your boyfriend who had the same girl that is always around him pinned against one of the trees, kissing her neck while one of his hands tugged at her shirt.

Scrunching your face up in disgust, the rising panic disappeared and was replaced by anger and rage as you turn back and walk away from that scene, making sure to get away as quickly as possible.

Your mind was racing as you walked home, not even realizing that you are in front of your house already until you hear his concerned voice.

Looking up, you find Jasper sitting on the stairs of your front porch, watching you in concern as he feels the rage and anger in you along with a feeling of betrayal and disgust.

He knows it has something to do with your boyfriend, there’s nothing else that would get you this angry.

“What’s wrong Darlin’?” he asks, concerned as he gets up, walking towards you he takes your face in his hands, gently, tilting your head up to look at him.

Angry tears roll down your cheeks as you meet his eyes, shaking your head, indicating that you don’t want to talk about it as you close your eyes and let the tears flow down your face.

He looks down at you in sadness, he hates seeing you this way, he sighs as he pulls you into him, hugging your head to his chest as he lets you cry, you cling to him, wanting to feel him right now. You stay like that for a while, just enjoying his touch and the feeling he always left you with.

“I saw him with another girl.” you whisper as grip him tighter. “I don’t ever want to see him again.”

He furrows his brows, feeling anger and rage towards your boyfriend until he processes the second sentence and his anger turns into something else, something that almost makes him feel bad but he can’t help it, he can’t help but feel relieved.

He waited all this time for you to realize what kind of a person Liam really is.

He waited for so long for you to realize that you don’t belong to anyone else but him.

You are his mate, you don’t know it yet but you are.

You furrow your brows when you don’t hear him say anything, pulling away from the hug you stare up at him to find him look very satisfied with this revelation, your eyes meet his as you look at him in confusion.

“I’m sorry, Darlin’.” he starts “but it was about time for you to realize what kind of a person he is.” he says as his hands drop to his sides when you take a step back from him.

Of course, he would be relieved to hear that you are done with your boyfriend. Jasper never liked him but being happy about it? That was just cruel.

“You don’t belong to him.” he tells you “You belong to me.”

You look at him in disbelief, not understanding where this side of him was coming from. You have never heard him talk this way before.

“Wh-what?” you ask, angrily.

His words reminding you of how Liam always talks to you, acting controlling and demanding, you thought you'd find comfort in Jasper but instead he is adding fuel into the fire.

“You are my mate, you are supposed to belong to me not to him.” he says, possessively, acting like you are some price instead of an actual person.

'Mates?’

Is that supposed to comfort you? If it is, it’s not working, if anything it makes you feel even more angry.

All you see is red as you realize how satisfied and happy he looks. Feeling even more betrayed, he is the only person you truly feel comfortable and safe with and yet he is making you feel anything but it as you feel tears welling up in your eyes, did he get off on seeing you in pain?

You shake your head as you wipe your tears away in anger, not wanting to be around him anymore, you go to walk past him but he stops you by grabbing your arm gently.

You don’t know what came over you but when he went to grab you all you saw was Liam’s face and the way he always grabbed your upper arm to stop you from leaving. Before you know it your palm meets his cheek, sending a slap across his face that barely seems to faze him.

“Mates!?” you scoff in disbelief as you storm past him, not even giving him a chance to respond before you walk inside and slam the door shut.

Walking into your room, you close the door quietly, making sure you don’t wake anyone up in the house. Taking a deep breath, you try to calm yourself down before turning around, eyes widening as you jump back when you see someone standing in your room, almost yelping if it wasn't for a cold hand covering your mouth as he steps closer to you, sighing in relief when you see it’s just Jasper.

“That wasn’t very nice, Darlin’.” he says in a low voice, scanning your face in a dangerous way, his eyes darken as he stares down at you, sending shivers down your spine.

Your eyes widen at the way he’s staring at you, standing so close to you with his hand covering your mouth as he silently warns you not to try anything again.

“Are you gonna slap me again?” he asks, looking at you with a challenging look in his eyes.

Shaking your head, you get nervous, you have never seen this side of Jasper before. The slightly angry, intimidating stare in his eyes makes you feel weak in the knees.

Removing his hand from your mouth, he rests them on the wall on each sides of  your face, trapping you between him and the wall.

You feel your heart beginning to race when he doesn't say anything and just stares at you for a while, swallowing nervously, as you kept your gaze on him.

“I’m sorry..” you whisper, afraid to say more after angering him.

“It’s fine.” he chuckles, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear “I should explain some things to you.” he wasn't mad at you for slapping him, he was irritated but not mad “don’t slap me again.” he warns you, amusement written in his eyes.

“You are my mate, we share a bond, that’s why you and I feel so connected.” he tells you, watching your reaction, closely.

You furrow your brows, looking at him in confusion, you have never heard of anything like that, he continued explaining more about it to you, making you understand more about it as you started to get why you always felt that way around him.

“H-How do you know it?” you ask him, nervously, blushing slightly.

“I feel it, you feel it too.” he said, stroking your cheek with his thumb, leaving your skin tingling under his touch “I want you and I know you want me too.”

Closing your eyes, you let yourself enjoy his touch, feeling him getting closer to you.

Cold lips touch your warm cheek, placing a kiss on the spot before he leans in “It’s up to you now, Darlin’.” he whispered before he lets go of you.

Opening your eyes, you find your room empty, he left, the only sign of him being here was the window he left open.

Putting your hand up towards your face, you touch spot that he kissed, asking yourself if it was real or if it was just your mind playing tricks on you but your skin still tingled from where he touched it.

You are so overwhelmed with emotions, the bad ones mixed with the good ones.

He made you forget about what happened at the bonfire.

He is all you ever wanted and now that you know that he wants you just as much as you want him, you feel more than overwhelmed with every single emotion.

‘It’s up to you now, Darlin’

#jasper hale x reader #jasper hale imagine #jasper hale imagines #jasper hale fluff #jasper hale angst #twilight imagine #twilight fluff #twilight angst

[bitsandbobsofwriting]

The Hell he’s been through;

The Knights have no clue of the suffering Merlin has endured… until one day, they do.

TW: Scars, panic attacks, nightmares, PTSD except they don’t have a word for that, non-graphic description of scars/injuries

Part 2(final part)

It was the height of summer, the bright blue sky was utterly free of clouds and the noon sun beat viciously down onto the training field.

Only the central six knights, their King, and Merlin braved the exhausting heat, the other knights had chosen to train later in the day, when it was cooler, so the field was empty of anyone else. Merlin was sat cross-legged in the shade of a tree, jacket and neckerchief removed (not that Arth- anyone noticed. Definitely not.), though his sleeves were still pulled low over his wrists and his tunic was fastened high up his neck. Despite that, the lack of an extra layer definitely displayed Merlin’s surprisingly broad shoulders more than normal (another thing that Ar-no one noticed). 

The knights were shirtless, despite Merlin’s warning of sunburn, sparring semi-playfully with wooden dummy swords, the type squires train with, and no armour.

Merlin rubs absent-mindedly at the dull, almost gone ache in his ribs, just below his armpit, as he rolls his shoulder. The injury, if it could even be called that, had never been serious and hadn’t even hurt that much when he’d gotten it on the last patrol (a stray mace swing from a bandit just clipped him), at least, not compared to other injuries he’s sustained over the years, but it was an annoyance that made his shoulder stiff on occasion.

Unfortunately, the movement caught Arthur’s eye, and the King frowns, stopping his observation of Elyan and Mordred’s spar to lay a crudely hidden concerned gaze upon his manservant. 

He’d fussed endlessly when he found that Merlin had bandaged his own torso after the fight, demanding that he let someone help next time; Merlin just rolled his eyes at that. The other knights had wisely chosen not to comment, knowing that the attack, and Merlin’s subsequent injury, had already put Arthur in a bad enough mood; though admittedly, the only thing stopping Gwaine from ruthlessly taking the piss out of Arthur’s mother-hen tendencies all the way home was Percival harshly clamping a hand over his mouth and pushing him away.

Merlin looks up to see Arthur staring at him, and the King quickly covers his concern with a look of annoyance when the manservant raises an eyebrow:

“If you’re not going to do anything useful Merlin, get up here, you clearly can’t be trusted to even cower effectively, so you’re going to have to learn to defend yourself.”

Merlin’s eyebrow just rises higher as the rest of the knights’ attention is drawn to the conversation. Lancelot and Mordred hide knowing smiles, well aware than Merlin was more than capable of defending himself, if he really needed to. Gwaine went to open his mouth with teasing grin, though quickly pouts when Percival punches him on the shoulder, and Leon and Elyan smirk at each other before moving their amused gazes to Arthur.

When Merlin doesn’t move, just stares at him disbelievingly, Arthur rolls his eyes and gestures at the half-empty rack of wooden swords:

“Come on, Merlin, up on your feet, grab a sword.”

Merlin just snorts in amusement and shakes his head, settling back against the tree trunk even more:

“Absolutely not. I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much.”

The knights (bar Lancelot and Mordred of course) raise their own eyebrows. Gwaine snorts out loud, stepping up next to Arthur and dropping an overly-friendly hand on his shoulder, much to The King’s displeasure:

“I know you can hold your own in a tavern brawl Merls, but that’s not the same thing as facing bandits and assassins and shit. Princess is right, it might be worth it for you to at least know how to use a sword.”

Arthur turns an accusing gaze on Gwaine, shrugging his hand off as he says:

“And I presume all the tavern brawls Merlin has apparently been getting into are your fault?”

Gwaine grimaces slightly before shrugging with a smirk, and Merlin hides his laughter with a cough before inserting:

“Entirely his fault. Gwaine starts the fights, promptly passes out, and I have to finish them.”

Arthur laughs incredulously; Mordred has to hide the angry clench of his jaw and Lancelot has to hide his sorrow when Arthur replies in a taunting tone:

“I’m meant to believe that you are regularly winning Gwaine’s unfinished fights, am I?”

Merlin shrugs in mock defeat, a grin on his face:

“Believe what you want, Sire, I’ve faced worse than you lot and come out singing, I don’t need training.”

Arthur resists the urge to smirk at the appealing way Merlin manages to make his title sound insulting, and he instead raises his eyebrows:

“You’re not getting out of this, Merlin. I can’t have you bruising yourself every time we leave the city.”

Merlin takes in a deep breath, settling a disconcertingly assessing gaze on The King for a few moments before he sighs and stands up, walking towards the equipment and picking up a sword before turning back to Arthur:

“I suppose you’re right, I doubt any of the other servants would be willing to put up with you if I got too injured. Who would you like me to spar, My Lord?”

Arthur scoffs and shakes his head as the others step back, looking upon the whole scene with fond amusement, bar, once again, Lancelot and Mordred, who are looking an odd mix between concerned and proud. They know that Merlin is capable of more than he lets on, even with a wooden blade.

“You can’t spar with any of us, Merlin, that would be far too dangerous. We’ll start with some basic moves, and then maybe we can move on to a slow, choreographed spar.”

Merlin twirls the sword expertly in his hand, and he’s vaguely away of Gwaine nodding approvingly and Leon raising an eyebrow out the corner of his eye, though he pays them no mind, raising an eyebrow of his own at Arthur:

“Surely starting with a simple spar will tell you my exact skill levels so you can tailor the lessons? You need to know how crap I am before we start.”

Lancelot hides a snort behind a hand, knowing full well that Merlin is just trying to goad Arthur into letting the servant show off his skills without too much effort beforehand. Or without giving Arthur the satisfaction of thinking that he was the one who taught Merlin how to fight. Thankfully, Arthur takes Lance’s snort as a teasing one aimed at Merlin, as opposed to what it really is, so waves him into the ring with a smirk.

Merlin just rolls his eyes, moving to stand opposite his best friend and muttering, just loud enough for everyone to hear:

“Fine, but I’m not taking my shirt off, I’m not as arrogant as you lot.”

Lancelot widens his eyes as Arthur freezes, dread growing in his stomach at the knowledge that The King would take that as a challenge. Arthur turns slowly, a shit-eating grin on his face, and Lancelot grimaces as Arthur claps his hands together:

“Right! I wasn’t going to mention it, but you do have a point, Merlin, if you are to train, you must train as one of us. Come on, tunic off.”

Elyan, Percival, and Gwaine just laugh, but Leon rolls his eyes exasperatedly, and Mordred and Lancelot frown in concern. Neither of them have seen Merlin’s scars in their entirety before, but knowing about the servant’s secret second life had definitely made them more observant than the others, and they had seen hints of old injuries here and there. That’s not even mentioning the times he’s shown up in their chambers, bloody and bruised and in need of treatment, but not wanting to worry Gaius.

Merlin just flushed and stared at him indignantly and Arthur’s teasing grin grew:

“Don’t be shy, Merlin, I’m sure whatever horrific mole or ugly birth mark you’re ashamed of isn’t that bad.”

Merlin rolls his eyes, stepping away from Arthur when he moves towards him. The demand to de-robe, even partially, had immediately put him on edge, and he had gone from playfully annoyed to genuinely irate in a split second. He crosses his arms over his chest protectively when Arthur gestures at him demandingly:

“I don’t have a weird mole, Arthur, you Clotpole, but unlike you lot, I’m not all that keen to show off my old scars.”

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. Merlin was hoping that mentioning his scars in passing would appeal to the knights’ warrior sides, would make them sympathetic to his… shy-ness. It did not. It just made them laugh, even Leon, and they all began to point out various scars they had on their chests and back, remarking that he couldn’t have worse than them. 

Gwaine twisted to the side, patting a pink, jagged circle halfway down his back, a grin on his face:

“This beauty is from when I propositioned a lovely fella who was, apparently, already taken. Man’s wife smashed her bottle on the counter and damn near took my eye out with it.”

Elyan cackles at Gwaine’s story, pointing to a perfectly square burn on his shoulder-blade:

“Yeah, well at least you didn’t fall back into a red hot brand at the ripe old age of fifteen because a girl smiled at you.”

Merlin’s back-up plan, which was sneakily sulking off whilst the knights compared their most embarrassing scars, was cut short basically immediately when he heard Arthur yell out:

“Absolutely not, Merlin, I’ve already told you that you’re not getting out of this. Tunic off, spar Lancelot.”

Merlin huffs, annoyed, feeling rather like he was backed into a corner, and Mordred walks forward, to be between him and The King, quietly saying:

“You don’t have to Merlin, just fight with it on.”

Arthur narrows his eyes in suspicion, but before he can say anything, Merlin squares his shoulders and looks at him defiantly, dropping his sword to the floor as he begins unlacing his tunic, his words coming out harshly, his tone dark:

“No, no it’s fine. The King wants to see my scars, and we all know that The King gets whatever he wants.”

The smiles melt rather quickly off the knights’ faces as Merlin speaks, and Arthur flinches slightly at his tone, starting to realise with just a little guilt that maybe this wasn’t funny anymore. He opens his mouth to take it back, to tell Merlin that he was only teasing and he could keep the tunic on if he really wanted to, but before any words come out, Merlin is gripping the collar of his shirt, pulling it over his head swiftly and screwing it up before tossing it to the side, not once breaking his stare on the now pale King.

Arthur lets out a sharp breath at the patchwork of scars that cover Merlin’s chest, and he’s vaguely aware of the various low cries and gasps of outrage coming from the knights behind him. There are so many, some are large and some are small, some look to be from clumsiness, but others look like they should have been fatal. Arthur’s eyes can’t focus on just one, he’s barely taking in each scar before his gaze is drawn to another, and then another, and then another; it’s a little overwhelming, and it’s only when he starts to feel a little woozy that he remembers to breath.

When he finally comes to the conclusion that his brain isn’t going to able to process this for a while, he looks up to Merlin’s face, instead taking in his resolute expression and hard eyes:

“Merlin, what… what happened to you?”

Merlin raises a slow, mocking eyebrow before breaking his statue-like stillness and picking his sword up again, turning to face a distraught looking Lancelot. This movement only reveals the second mosaic of scars covering his back, but he speaks over the next round of gasps and muffled curses, his tone still unbearably dark as he gestures Lance to get into position:

“I told you, I’ve faced worse than you lot and come out singing.”

The knights are so distracted by the myriad of scars covering Merlin’s torso that it takes the servant’s first harsh, well-aimed blow with his sword to break them out of their stupor. They watch the ensuing spar with morbid fascination, finding that not only can Merlin hold his own, he’s winning. Lancelot loses his breath and rhythm much quicker than Merlin does, and the fast-paced spar only lasts around three minutes before Merlin lands a strong punch to the centre of Lance’s chest and the knight stumbles back in shock, lowering his sword just enough for Merlin to step forward and trip him up.

The scarred servant’s chest rises and falls deeply, but not too rapidly as he lowers his sword and offers a hand down to the beaten knight. Lancelot takes it with a slightly shocked smile, patting Merlin on the shoulder as he stands. Merlin flinches away from the touch, no one misses it, clearly not too fond of people touching his bare skin, and Lance drops his hand rapidly, frowning only briefly before he smiles again:

“Bloody hell, Merlin. I knew you were good, but not that good.”

Merlin gives him a strained smile, grateful for the distraction. Everyone sees the moment Merlin’s mask goes up again; he gives Lance a smug grin and twirls his sword once again as he shrugs mockingly:

“I’ve been watching you lot train for ten years, and I’ve been in a few sword fights in my time. I picked up a few things.”

Arthur finally reacts, scoffing as he shakes his head in disbelief, scars momentarily forgotten:

“There’s no way that you can- that was a fluke.-”

He looks smug as he says it, like he’s figured out some great secret, and Mordred lets out a low, annoyed growl; no one notices thankfully, but Merlin shoots him a quick frustrated line across their mental link:

“Please try not to antagonise him any further.”

Mordred looks to him, keeping his face blank as he nods almost imperceptibly. Lancelot and Gwaine look openly disapproving of Arthur’s assertion, but Leon, Percival, and Elyan look almost convinced. Arthur nods decisively, picking up his sword once again and waving it in Merlin’s direction:

“-My turn. And once I’ve beaten you, you’re going to tell us about all of… that.”

Merlin’s eye twitches, but he doesn’t say anything, just nods slightly as he holds a placating hand out in Lancelot’s direction when it becomes obvious that his best friend is going to start trying to defend him.

Arthur takes Lancelot’s place in the ring and Merlin grips his sword tightly, his shoulders tense and his face showing only mild annoyance, despite the anger that Lancelot and Mordred were sure was simmering under his façade. At Arthur’s nod, Leon reluctantly counts them in, and the match begins.

This one is somehow even more fast-paced, though no one is surprised. The last ten minutes had caught Arthur extremely off-guard. An off-guard Arthur is a grumpy Arthur, and a grumpy Arthur is, unfortunately, still the type to take his frustrations out on others. Arthur wasn’t good at dealing with his emotions, meaning the disturbing mix of horror, guilt, and anger at Merlin’s scars, slight… shock, (because he refuses to call it anything else) at his deceptively strong physique, and surprise that apparently his servant can take out one of his best knights without all that much effort, all together have The King bursting with adrenaline. 

He throws blow after blow, but Merlin’s defence is incredibly strong, and Arthur has yet to land a hit anywhere other than the opposing sword. After a couple of minutes, Merlin switches styles, and Arthur almost trips when he realises his servant has, in the space of a second, gone from fighting like Arthur, to fighting like Leon. The knights notice it as well; Gwaine lets out a low whistle and Elyan smacks Leon on the shoulder, pointing incredulously at a sequence of complicated footwork that usually only the First Knight can manage so gracefully. Apparently Merlin can do it too.

Arthur adapts to this quickly; Leon was his sparring partner most often, meaning that he was accustomed to switching between their styles, and they were the most similar fighters in all the group. 

Another minute passes, and the pair still don’t slow, seemingly unbothered by their dumbfounded audience and the sweltering heat, and this time Merlin suddenly starts fighting more like Gwaine. Instead of staying on the defensive and trying to trip Arthur up, he goes on the attack, landing heavier and heavier hits as The King barely manages to defend himself in time.

Merlin is quickly growing tired, his stamina not nearly as good as Arthur’s, but The King grows complacent, even with the vicious pace, certain that he just has to wait Merlin out. He was wrong. Arthur finally gets an attack of his own in but Merlin dives to the side instead of blocking it, rolling and coming up to Arthur’s left before the blonde has time to regain his balance and turn around. He freezes in place when Merlin touches his wooden sword to the side of Arthur’s neck. He can feel it shaking, but it’s undoubtedly a killing blow, and when Merlin drops the sword to the floor in favour of bending over, one hand on his knee and the other on his side again as he pants, Arthur turns around faster than he thinks he’s ever moved before:

“How the fuck did you do that?”

Merlin is vaguely aware of the knights all clapping and shouting encouragement at him, but he doesn’t look up, just waves dismissively in Arthur’s direction:

“I told you, I’ve been watching you lot train for years. It’s easy to imitate you after a little practice.”

Arthur just stares at him in disbelief, but Leon hands the servant a water-skin, ripping his gaze from the whip marks on his back with clenched teeth before schooling his tone and face into something more friendly:

“Merlin, you switched styles twice in as many minutes… you beat the best swordsman in the Kingdom after already being tired from another spar, that’s… that’s incredible.”

Merlin drinks the entire skin as Leon speaks, looking up with another playful mask on his face:

“Well believe me, I’m so sore I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it again.”

Merlin’s smile drops when he realises everyone is back to staring at him, more specifically, his scars. He steps away from the curly-haired knight, who furrows his brows in concern and resists the urge to reach a comforting hand out to him. Merlin crosses his arms over his chest defensively, hunching his broad shoulders slightly as he frowns at the floor.

Lancelot quickly throws his tunic to him, and Merlin scrambles to pull it on as quickly as possible, but before he can even get his arms through the right holes, Arthur snatches it away, a stern, angry look on his face. Though every one of then can see the badly hidden concern as well:

“No, you agreed to tell us.”

Merlin makes a move for his tunic, but Arthur jumps out of his reach. The servant huffs, annoyed and close to tears all of a sudden as he petulantly replies:

“Actually, you said once you beat me, I had to tell you. I won.”

Arthur raises an eyebrow, taking another step back:

“I’m happy to go another round if you are, Merlin?”

Merlin glares at him angrily for another few moments before completely sagging, staring at the floor with sad, tired eyes as his arms drop to dangle at his sides. Arthur and the knights are completely taken aback at Merlin’s sudden change of disposition, though it heartbreakingly strikes them as less of a change and more of a... reveal. A reveal of some kind of sadness that’s been there all along. How did they not notice this??

Arthur’s breath hitches and his tight clutch on Merlin’s tunic loosens slightly as he all but whispers:

“Merlin... who did this to you?”

Merlin finally looks up at him, letting out a humourless chuckle as he rakes a hand through his sweat-dampened hair roughly:

“Does it matter? Most of them are dead, I-”

His eyes narrow and his voice lowers. The knights hear it nonetheless:

“... I made sure of that .”

Arthur lets out a huff of frustration, not bothering to hide the desperation in his eyes as he pleads:

“Please, Merlin, you’re my... subject, you’re meant to be under my protection. And don’t lie, none of these are more than eleven or twelve years old at most and you got here ten years ago, so they happened in Camelot, under my watch. Please, Merlin.”

Merlin sighs, walking towards the tree’s shade once again. For a moment Arthur panics, thinking he’d pushed Merlin too far as he turned away, knowing that if this conversation wasn’t had now, their relationship would never be the same. But before The King can say anything, the servant slumps back into place against the tree trunk, sitting cross-legged again and biting his lip as he looks at Arthur expectantly.

Before anyone else can move, Mordred and Lancelot take the places either side of Merlin, sitting protectively close. Lance gives Mordred a pointed look, to which the younger knight nods before settling a blank expression on the side of Merlin’s head. Merlin doesn’t look back at him, but pats the knight’s knee as the corner of his mouth turns up briefly in a barely-there smile.

Arthur narrows his eyes, but stores that odd exchange in the back of his mind to deal with at a later date before sitting across from Merlin; the other knights look to each other, worried, before settling in the empty spaces to complete the circle. The group is silent for a while, all staring at a statue-still Merlin who in turn is staring at the grass in front of him; he doesn’t move even when Lancelot brings his hand into his lap, stroking his thumb over the servant’s knuckles absent-mindedly.

It’s Percival that finally breaks the silence, asking in a quiet voice:

“What happened, Merlin?”

Merlin looks up suddenly, as if he had forgotten he had company, taking in a deep breath and tightening his grip on Lance’s hand. He gulps before once again running his free hand through his hair, shrugging slightly as he mutters:

“I don’t recall all of them in perfect detail, just ask about... whatever catches your eye I guess, and we’ll see what I can remember.”

The knights all nod, looking to each other expectantly, no one really wanting to go first. Eventually Leon clears his throat, his voice gentle:

“Why don’t we start with the whip marks on your back?”

Merlin nods, grateful that they were at least starting off with the non-magical injuries. He doesn’t make eye contact with anyone as he speaks, his voice croaky and quiet:

“The newer ones are from Cenred, from a few years ago. He wanted information and I spat at his feet and told him to fuck off. He... he didn’t take too kindly to that.”

Gwaine lets out a quiet curse, and Arthur sits up straight, saying in a crackingly authoritative voice:

“Merlin, if anyone ever tries to extract information from you again, you give them anything. Everything. We’ll deal with the fall-out afterwards, it is not your job to withstand torture.”

The other knights nod approvingly but Merlin just looks up at The King with a raised eyebrow:

“Like hell. I can put up with a remarkable amount, I’d never sell Camelot, or you, out. Never, Arthur.”

Arthur huffs and resolutely ignores the tears gathering in his eyes, but Elyan beats him to the mark:

“That’s not... you shouldn’t have to put up with anything Merlin, it’s not necessary. You just... keep yourself safe. We’ll worry about everything else.”

The other knights nod again, but Merlin scowls and tenses even further, even as Lancelot squeezes his hand comfortingly:

“I’ve been through literal hell, multiple times, in order to protect my home and the people that are important to me. I’m not going to stop that just because it makes you lot uncomfortable, and you have no right to tell me to it’s not my place.”

Everyone looks desperate to argue, but they can’t deny that, after what they’ve seen today, in the last half a candle-mark only, Merlin is evidently a lot stronger than they’ve ever given him credit for. Both physically and mentally. Leon just gives Merlin a small smile and nods; he’s the only one here who has known Merlin just as long as Arthur, and he may not be as close to the younger man as The King or Lance or Gwaine or Mordred, but he’s seen his loyalty in action several times over the years:

“You said the newer ones were from Cenred. You’ve been flogged more than once?”

Merlin nods at the knight, grateful for his understanding and change of subject, even if said change of subject was back to his scars. His expression turns slightly guilty as his gaze moves to Arthur, and The King has a feeling he’s going to feel incredibly terrible at whatever it is Merlin is about to say:

“The others are from... uh.... Uther.-”

Arthur takes in a sharp breath as the tears he had just about managed to get under control gather again. The other knights just look angry, bar Leon, who, though miserable, looks as though he sort of expected it:

“-He didn’t like me very much.”

Arthur whispers his response:

“When? Merlin, when and why did my father have you flogged, and how did I not know about it?”

Merlin tenses his jaw, going from guilty to angry in a split second, snapping his response:

“Why do you think?!-”

Arthur recoils and Merlin closes his eyes briefly as he takes a deep breath, looking back to Arthur with a blank mask and speaking in a monotone voice:

“What did you think he would do every time I took the blame for you missing a meeting or a meal or a training session because you were entertaining a woman or pissing about with your knights? I had to walk into the council room and apologise for your absence because I slept in or I forgot to tell you or I sent you on a hunt on the wrong day. Uther was in the habit of burning people and chopping off an alarming number of heads, did you really think I would get away with it punishment free??

Arthur goes pale as a sheet and his hands tremble with the understanding. He shakes his head slightly as he looks to his lap, ignoring the tears on his cheeks as he murmurs:

“Merlin I am so sorry, I didn’t... I didn’t think... if I had known I would have duelled him in the damn town square to protect you.-”

Arthur looks up sharply, wiping his face clean as he settles an assessing gaze on his servant, ignoring Gwaine’s murderous glare as he slowly continues:

“-... which is exactly why you never told me, isn’t it?”

Merlin shrugs, a small smile on his face:

“You may never admit it, Arthur, but you were protective of me, even then.”

Arthur flushes slightly, before frowning again and shaking his head:

“You should have told me, it’s my job to protect you.”

Merlin raises an eyebrow, smirking slightly:

“I think we’ve already had this conversation.”

Arthur huffs and narrows his eyes again, good-naturedly this time, and Merlin just rolls his eyes before seeming to sag again, speaking quietly:

“Come on, next one.”

Elyan raises his hand slightly before pointing to the centre of Merlin’s chest:

“How the hell did you get a burn like that?”

Merlin tenses, rubbing a hand over the roughly circular, pink and white scar in the centre of his chest. The flesh looked melted in places, white scar tissue spider-webbing out from his sternum, beginning to fade just before it stretched around his sides, and stopping a few inches above his naval:

“Witch threw a fireball at me. Hurt like hell, but there was quite a lot of adrenaline at the time so I didn’t really notice the pain until later.”

Gwaine raises an eyebrow, evidently trying to control his anger as he asks, in a shaking, though forceful, voice:

“And what were you doing fighting a witch powerful enough to throw fire around?”

Merlin stops rubbing at the scar when Lancelot tugs his hand and Mordred mutters “You’re going to hurt yourself, Merlin.” in his head, curling his hand tightly in his lap instead and speaking slowly, as if he were choosing each word individually:

“Only Leon and Arthur were in Camelot for that. Arthur was dying from the Questing Beast bite, I... went to the Isle of the Blessed to speak to the followers of the Old Religion. There was said to be someone there who had power over life and death and I... Arthur was dying, I had to try.-”

Arthur’s eyes widened at Merlin’s words, mostly the mention of such a power, but stays silent, nodding at him to continue:

“-But the Old Religion requires balance, a life for a life,-”

Leon releases a deep breath, looking to the floor at the implication with his eyes closed, and Arthur lets out a whispered whimper, knowing the depths of Merlin’s loyalty:

“-I offered my own in exchange for Arthur’s. She, Nimueh, that is, accepted,-”

Arthur opens his mouth to say something, he’s not sure what, but before he can yell about Merlin’s self preservation, he notices the darkness on his dearest friend’s face and his voice catches in his throat. Merlin stares at the floor, his face drawn and angry and his voice stormy and clipped:

“-but she tried to trick me. I didn’t appreciate that, we fought, she died. Her life for Arthur’s: the deal was done.”

An audible gasp goes up around the circle, and Percival, who is (other than Merlin and Mordred of course) the most well versed in Magic Info, responds breathlessly:

“Merlin... Nimueh is a High Priestess, The master over Life and Death, she’s very very powerful.”

Merlin looks up at the gentle giant sharply, his gaze unforgiving and his tone harsh:

“Yeah, and she’s also very very dead, because she pissed me off.”

Percival gulps and lowers his gaze, but Arthur seems to have missed everything the two of them just said as he stares blankly at his servant:

“You’d barely known me a year, and I’ll admit that I was an arse back then, and you tried to give your life for mine. Why?”

Merlin looks at him curiously, not responding for a few moments as his anger dies down and his pride grows:

“I had it on good authority that you would become a Great King one day. It only took a little squinting to see it, you were a good man, a man I was, and still am, prepared to sacrifice myself for. You were an arse, yes, you still sort of are, but I have faith in you, always have, always will.”

Lancelot and Mordred smile fondly at him as the other knights stare dumbfounded, but Arthur clenches his jaw, ignoring the shaking in his voice as he says:

“Well, I... I forbid it. You are officially forbidden from sacrificing yourself for me, legally.”

Gwaine perks up slightly:

“Out of curiosity, do we all get the same-”

Arthur interrupts him with a forceful, though slightly amused:

“Shut up, Gwaine. And no, you’re a knight, your entire job description is to jump head first into danger so I don’t have to. I have every faith that you’ll die for me one day.”

Everyone lets out quiet snorts at that, bar Gwaine of course, who looks jokingly affronted before he nods and shrugs, quietly muttering “Yeah, fair enough,-”, the rest of his sentence (”especially considering you’re in love with him but not any of us.”) goes unheard and unchallenged.

Merlin chooses not to respond to Arthur’s demand, but everyone knows that’s his way of not committing to anything, knowing full well that Merlin had never listened to Arthur’s orders before, and sure as shit wasn’t going to start now.

“Next one.”

Merlin’s face had fallen slightly, knowing he wasn’t going to get away with explaining only two sets of scars, and Gwaine asks next, his eyes being drawn to Merlin’s gesturing hand:

“The red bands around your wrists and neck. They look like burns, but not very deep ones. How did they scar if they weren’t deep?”

Merlin looks down at the scars on his wrists, resisting the urge to absent-mindedly claw at the one he knows sits low on his neck. They’re about two inches wide, pale pink and almost impossible to see in the dark but impossible not to see in the light of the noon sun, even sat in the shade. The edges were clean cut and perfectly straight, and Merlin winced slightly at the memory of his magic being contained in such a way.

He looks around the circle, speaking easily. Though it was painful, it was no where near the worst Merlin has ever had, and even if he couldn’t tell the full truth, it felt sort of nice not to have to hide these ones:

“Some sort of enchanted chains, they drained my energy, made me sick and tired, but the magic in the metal sort of... stung, I guess. I don’t really know. I’d been captured by Morgause (is Morgana not mentioned in this entire fic but still Good? Yes.) again and I suppose she didn’t want to take any chances.”

Everyone looks shocked at his casual admission, and Leon is the first to break the tense silence:

“When were you captured by Morgause?”

Before Merlin can respond, Arthur pipes up incredulously:

“Again. You said again. Merlin, how many times have you been kidnapped by Morgause without anyone realising? How many times have you been kidnapped in general?!”

Merlin winces slightly, speaking in a slightly defensive tone as he stares at Arthur as though the answer is obvious:

“Arthur... I’m The King’s personal manservant. I have the power to overrule the Steward and the Housekeeper if I wanted to; as far as servant’s go, I have the most authority, even more than some low level nobles, especially when it comes to running the citadel. I’m sort of... a big deal. I have access to pretty much any information I could want, even more than this lot-”

He gestures to the knights around the circle. Mordred and Lancelot look a little proud once again, Leon is staring at Arthur, shocked that The King didn’t know this, and everyone else stares at Merlin, only just realising that... Merlin was right. None of them have considered it before, but he practically runs the castle.

“-most of the time, and I’m the only one who knows every single state secret, simply from my proximity to you and your council and your paperwork. That is rather... desirable to people like Morgause, people who want to attack Camelot.”

Merlin purses his lips awkwardly as everyone stares at him blankly, but Gwaine is the first to break the silence:

“... and we’ve just been letting you walk around, unprotected.”

Merlin raises as eyebrow:

“I think we’ve already established I don’t need protection.”

Arthur huffs and throws his hands up awkwardly:

“Well you obviously do, if you’re getting kidnapped so often. When even was this?? You haven’t disappeared for a while, and we haven’t had any trouble from Morgause in months.”

Merlin’s face falls, and the knights are taken aback at the reappearance of the... cruel darkness in his expression:

“Believe me, I know. She... won’t be bothering us any longer, I wasn’t fond of her repeated attempts to kill me or you so I... took care of it.”

The knights go pale at Merlin’s casual admittance of killing yet another High Priestess of the Old Religion. He smirks into his lap briefly until Lance once again squeezes his hand, as if reminding him of the mask he should be wearing. Arthur stares at his servant and long time friend, struggling to reconcile the clumsy ideal he has in his head with this... hardened, tortured protector:

“How? Nimueh and Morgause... just... how??”

Merlin’s eyes slowly move up to meet Arthur’s gaze, and The King gulps at the assessing way the servant tilts his head:

“Playing the role of clumsy rural idiot can be a little demeaning sometimes, but it also means that people tend to underestimate me. They think I’m an easy target, and by the time they realise I’ve played them, it’s too late.”

Arthur recoils slightly, and Merlin once again changes dispositions, shrugging casually and smiling easily, his tone light:

“You can get away with a remarkable amount when people think you’re stupid.”

The circle lets out an in-sync breath. All of them knew that Merlin wasn’t stupid by any stretch of the imagination, but they didn’t realise just how smart he is. None of them would admit it, but Elyan, Leon, Percival, Arthur, and even Gwaine on some level, still subconsciously considered Merlin “just a servant” in the back of their minds. At least... they did. 

(Not that that old thought process made them think any less of him, they just didn’t think of him as complicated, as a warrior.)

Merlin takes a deep breath, knowing that his friends would never see him in the same way, but sort of hoping that that was a good thing, gesturing vaguely to the circle once again. Arthur asks the next question, touching his hand to the back of his own neck softly:

“There’s a cut on the back of your neck. It looks deep, like it was reopened over and over, what is it?”

Merlin grimaces slightly, wiping his free hand over his face in exhaustion as Lancelot squeezes his other hand, and Mordred pats his knee comfortingly:

“That one was a few years ago, courtesy of Morgause again. She put something called a Fomorrah in me-”

Percival gasped slightly, harshly whispering “Gods.” under his breath. Arthur spares him a quick glance, making a mental note to question how his knight seems to know so much about sorcery at a later date:

“-so she could try to make me kill Arthur; it sort of... controls you. Makes you only able to focus on whatever instruction you’re given when it’s first put in you. Gaius kept having to cut it out of me, it wouldn’t stop re-growing until we killed the rest of it’s body, and that was with Morgause somewhere out of the city.”

Arthur looked a little outraged, hiding the worry of “I now know that Merlin could kill me without any trouble at all so how the fuck am I alive?”. Apparently he doesn’t hide it well; Merlin gives him a comforting smile and shrugs his shoulders slightly:

“I fought the compulsion pretty well, kept coming up with increasingly complicated assassination plans instead of just... stabbing you in your sleep or something.”

Arthur goes to respond, but he’s interrupted by Leon loudly cursing, his eyes wide as he stares at Merlin with flushed cheeks:

“I just... gave you a crossbow!! You said you were going to kill Arthur and I thought you were joking and I let you walk out the armoury with a crossbow and a handful of bolts!!”

Merlin chuckles, a blush of his own rising as he responds, rubbing the back of his neck again:

“Yeah... I don’t really remember it, but Gaius and Gwen filled me in on what had happened. To be fair, it’s kind of flattering that you never considered that I was the assassin, despite the repeated attempts being made on Arthur’s life and the fact that I admitted it to your face.”

Leon stares at the floor with wide eyes, seemingly trying to process the fact that he had pointed a would be assassin in the right direction, muttering something along the lines of “oh my Gods oh my Gods oh my Gods” over and over until Elyan awkwardly patted him on the back, breaking him from his embarrassed horror.

Arthur clears his throat, staring at Merlin with an almost unreadable expression:

“I did wonder why the attempts just... stopped?”

Merlin understands the question in his tone and nods slightly before replying:

“Hmm. Gaius and Gwen figured out it was me, found a way to paralyse the thing in my neck until I managed to get back to Morgause’s little lair and kill the main body.”

Arthur nods distractedly. How many times had this happened? “This” being something entirely ridiculous and/or incredibly dangerous right under his nose.

Percival clears his throat and Merlin looks to the nervous man, nodding at him to ask whatever it was that was on his mind, despite his growing discomfort:

“There’s... on your back, it looks like a stab wound but... worse. The veins around it are black and it looks painful despite it’s obvious age and... well... it looks like a Serket Sting, but it... it can’t be, right?”

Merlin tenses, back to looking as exhausted and scared and as ready to bolt as he had at the beginning of the conversation. Lancelot squeezes his hand again, tightly this time, and Mordred takes his other to stop him from clenching it too harshly, murmuring:

“You don’t have to, Merlin, not this one.”

Arthur clenches his jaw at the knowledge that two of his knights had known about this. Had known the collage of agony on Merlin’s body, had known what he’d been through and done nothing. Hadn’t prevented it, hadn’t brought it to Arthur, hadn’t protected him. But equally, with how protective and loyal and secretive Merlin is, and how heartbroken the two of them had looked when Merlin first took his tunic off, they likely hadn’t known the full extent of damage.

Merlin just sighs and shakes his head, sensing the curious stares of the others before rising to his knees and turning around, running a shaking hand over the scar briefly before dropping his hand to his side again. The others stare, astounded. They’d only caught brief glimpses of it before, but now they could see it properly it was undoubtedly a Serket Sting. 

The deep puncture mark on his lower back had closed up, but the skin was still sunken in slightly, red and angry looking with hints of purple towards the middle. Percival was right: dark veins, as if permanently poisoned, stretched out from the centre of the wound, dipping below the waistband of his trousers and fading about halfway up his back. 

After a few moments, Merlin turns around again and sits back down, placing his still shaking hand back in Lance’s lap without prompting. Arthur’s one-word question is whispered and cracked, and no one judges him for the tears in his eyes; most of them have tears of their own gathering and falling at their friend’s pain:

“How?”

Merlin gulps, not looking up as he leans slightly into Mordred’s shoulder. The young knight presses back, knowing how fond the servant is of warm pressure, not minding the sticky sweatiness of their still uncovered torsos in the noon heat:

“Morgause again. She got annoyed with me always ruining her plans, getting in the way. Left me chained up in the middle of a nest of... in the middle of a nest.”

Leon takes a deep breath, rubbing his eyes harshly and sniffing before asking, his voice strong despite the slight waver:

“How did you survive that? I’ve... I’ve seen men get stung by serkets and it’s not... nice.”

Merlin breathes shakily, his mouth open slightly as he stares at the floor, memories flashing through his mind and the scar on his back twinging uncomfortably. Again, Percival was right, despite it’s age, it did still hurt. He takes one last deep breath, clenching his eyes shut tightly before looking up at the curly-haired knight, not quite making eye-contact:

“I uh... a lot of screaming, and the help of an... old friend. I was out of Camelot for a few days whilst I recovered, my friend didn’t fancy being executed for helping me, for just existing.”

Arthur furrows his brows but the others, bar Leon, nod in understanding, looking only slightly guilty and not looking to The King as he asks:

“What do you mean? If someone has found a way to cure a Serket sting then they most definitely wouldn’t be executed for it.”

Elyan snorts and Mordred and Lancelot frown at the floor as Merlin stares at Arthur with poorly concealed contempt:

“Arthur... the cure for a Serket sting has been around for centuries, it just involves very strong, very complicated magic. I didn’t fancy dying in absolute agony, and my friend didn’t fancy being executed for the act of saving my life so we stayed away from the city whilst he treated me.”

Arthur looks at his servant, dumbfounded and confused, and the knights stay silent in their awkwardness. Leon, a lifelong citizen of Camelot, is the only other person to look surprised at Merlin’s explanation, though he nods after a few moments, conceding that it... makes sense. Of course it does.

Mordred frowns when he notices Merlin’s knee begin to bounce up and down slightly, but it’s the way he gulps and tightens his grip on Lance’s hand that has the two knights begin to properly worry. They share a quick look, obviously agreeing on something, before Mordred takes Merlin’s other hand and settles a soft touch on his vibrating knee whilst Lancelot looks to Arthur:

“I think we’re done for the day. This has been... a lot.”

Merlin is getting paler by the second and Mordred can sense the man’s distress, shooting Lance a desperate look before subtly trying to shuffle closer to Merlin, who leans even further into his touch. Arthur doesn’t seem to notice, looking annoyed at Lancelot’s assertion and rolling his eyes before moving his gaze back to Merlin’s quivering form:

“No, Merlin’s suffered and I need to know why. There are mace wounds on both your shoulders, I remember one, but not the-”

Arthur is interrupted by a low whine from the back of Merlin’s throat as he thumps his head back against the tree, eyes still shut tightly. His words out come quietly and broken, as if it were a struggle to breathe, let alone speak:

“Can we please stop now?”

Mordred ignores Arthur, moving to kneel in front of the servant whilst Lancelot glares at The King. Arthur just huffs slightly, though he obviously completely underestimates the distress his friend is in, looking concerned, but not letting up:

“Merlin, we’ve barely gone through a third of them, we can’t stop-”

Lancelot lets out a low growl, letting go of Merlin’s hand and moving towards Arthur, glaring as he says:

“Arthur, we need to stop. Now.”

The young King looks taken aback, though the argument is stopped in his throat when Mordred’s quiet voice interrupts him:

“Merlin, you need to breathe.-”

He peers around the young knight as best he can, but Lance’s still vicious glare stops him from moving too close. Mordred brings one of Merlin’s hands up, pressing it against his chest and continuing his soft instructions:

“-Copy my breathing, alright? Can you tell me where you are right now, Merlin?”

The knights all stare on in horror at Merlin’s pale skin and ragged breathing, staying still in their places when Lancelot gestures at them firmly. It’s Merlin’s next word, cracked and whispered, that trigger another round of tears to gather in their eyes:

“C...cave.”

Mordred shakes his head slowly and Lancelot curses under his breath, kneeling back next to Mordred and retaking Merlin’s other hand, holding it between his own securely. Mordred’s soft voice floats in the wind, and if the knights weren’t so distracted by their friend’s pain, they would think it sounds almost magical:

“No, you’re safe, Merlin. Think, listen, feel. Can you try to tell me where you are again?

Merlin shakes his head roughly, his still-shut eyes not stopping the tears from squeezing out as he flinches, strikes of lightening-like agony shooting out from the scar on his lower back. Lance worries his lip between his teeth, rubbing one of his hands up and down Merlin’s shivering arm; a nod from Mordred has Lance speak, his words soft and low despite the waver in his voice:

“Merlin, you know where you are, and me and Mordred are right here with you. You need to open your eyes buddy, tell us where we are.”

Merlin’s breathing instantly seems to calm a little at Lancelot’s voice, and he cracks his bloodshot eyes open, immediately sighing when his blurry gaze lands on the canopy above him, whispering:

“Tree... sky... Camelot.”

The others can see Mordred let out a relieved sigh, and they force themselves to relax slightly. Merlin’s body sags again and Lance frowns, but the young servant’s stuttering words as he stares blankly up into the tree interrupt any reassurance he could have offered:

“Please, I can’t... I don’t... please don’t make me-”

Lance stills his hand on Merlin’s shoulder, not even paying the slightest bit of attention to anyone else as he replies:

“No one’s going to make you, Merlin, we can carry on another day-”

Arthur’s interrupted “But-” is quickly shut down when Lance turns around to glare at him, a sharp “-I said we’re done for the day.” sent his way.

Merlin flinches again, the pain in his back getting worse and worse and making it harder to keep a grasp on reality, so damning the consequences, Mordred presses a hand to his forehead, closing his eyes and he mouths the words to a sleeping spell as quietly as he can. Thankfully, everyone’s attention is on the glaring contest between Lancelot and The King, so no one immediately notices the way Merlin falls forwards into Mordred’s arms, not until he nudges Lance in the leg and mutters:

“He passed out. We should get him to Gaius, he needs proper rest and pain medication.”

Lancelot nods his head firmly, back to ignoring Arthur and the others as he moves to Merlin’s side, pulling his arm over his shoulder as Mordred does the same on the servant’s other side. Mordred’s eyes scan over the knights, searching for whoever looks the most likely to help without question; his gaze stills on a terribly worried looking Gwaine:

“Gwaine, run ahead to warn Gaius, tell him that Merlin had a really bad episode and then passed out.”

Gwaine gulps but nods, gathering his tunic in quick hands and putting it on haphazardly as he sprints back to the castle. Mordred and Lancelot adjust their grips, standing and bringing Merlin up with them as they turn in the direction Gwaine had ran and begin the careful journey back to the citadel. The knights follow behind them closely, hastily dressing themselves and desperate to ask questions, but knowing that now was not the time. Elyan jogs ahead of them to open doors and clear a path, and Percival had grabbed Merlin, Lancelot, and Mordred’s tunics as Leon put all of the swords away before catching up.

Thankfully they don’t come across many people, though Lance and Mordred still do their best to conceal Merlin between them, knowing that he would be distraught if anyone else saw his scars. They make good time to Gaius’ chambers, and they find the Physician preparing a few strong pain potions and sleeping draughts as Gwaine paced.

Gaius looks incredibly worried, but unsurprised, and Lance and Mordred carry Merlin up to his room without prompting; the sick feeling in Arthur’s stomach tells him that they’re practiced at this. The King goes to follow them, but they kick the door shut behind them so they can have at least a little privacy whilst they settle their friend in his bed. They leave the covers off, knowing that he’d just overheat or kick them off in the nightmares that they know are coming. Lance nods knowingly at Mordred, and the younger of the two moves swiftly back into the main room, shutting the door behind him again softly, avoiding eye contact with anyone bar Gaius, even as Percival hands him his tunic.

The elderly Physician raises an eyebrow, and Mordred answers the wordless question quietly, though not quiet enough for the other knights to not hear him:

“Not yet, but soon, he’ll definitely need a sleeping draught to get him through it. It was his back, so he’ll need the strongest pain one you’ve got.”

Gaius nods, picking up two of the many concoctions he had prepared, not reacting to Arthur’s desperate questions, leaving the conversation to Mordred:

“What are you talking about? Get through what??”

Mordred sighs and frowns slightly, unable to get over all of his anger at the King for pushing Merlin so far:

“The nightmares. He always gets them, especially after an episode that bad.”

Arthur recoils, just a little horrified, but Gwaine beats him to the mark, asking in a shaking voice:

“Episode??”

Mordred moves his gaze to the worried knight, a little more sympathetic to the man he knew was more loyal to Merlin than he was to The King:

“Flashbacks, panic attacks. Merlin has been through... a lot. Chronic pain or difficult conversations sometimes trigger a sort of... breakdown, he struggles to differentiate between memories and reality. Normally he can just wait it out with a little help. When it’s really bad we put him to sleep, it’s the only way to stop him from hurting himself accidentally.”

Everyone looks horrified at that, their focus on Mordred rather than Gaius, who was stealthily ascending the steps to Merlin’s room, potions in hand. Arthur is the first to break the tense silence:

“How long? How long as he been getting these episodes, and why the hell did no one think to tell me?!”

Mordred moves his harsh gaze back to The angry King, glaring at him when his voice rose:

“With all due respect, My Lord, lower your voice. Merlin needs rest, he needs to not be disturbed.”

Arthur looks annoyed, though still heartbroken, but nods slightly, almost whispering as he responds:

“You didn’t answer my questions. How long, and why wasn’t I told?”

Mordred sighs, looking to the floor briefly as he crosses his arms over his chest . After a few moments of considering his answer, he finally looks up again, suddenly appearing exhausted and resigned as he replies softly:

“I don’t really know. He didn’t tell us, we just... found out. It took us a while to convince him to explain it properly and let us help. He didn’t want anyone worrying or treating him like glass; it doesn’t happen very often at all, and this is... this is the worst one I’ve ever seen.”

Arthur frowns and shakes his head slightly, but it’s Leon that speaks next:

“Why not tell us, at least? What if something had happened and you weren’t with us? We wouldn’t have known what was wrong.”

Mordred takes a deep breath and shrugs, nodding slightly, obviously aware that he couldn’t tell them about his and Merlin’s mental link:

“We tried telling him that, but he wouldn’t have it. We were maybe one more conversation away from convincing him to tell Gwaine or Guinevere, but I guess that’s not necessary anymore.”

Arthur pushes down the twinge of jealousy that Merlin had never even considered telling him, but it obviously shows on his face; Mordred scowls slightly, clenching his hands to try and cover his annoyance. Before either men can say anything, Lancelot comes back down from Merlin’s room, leaving Gaius with the young servant:

“It’s starting, Mordred we need to go, everyone else, out.”

Percival throws Lance’s tunic to him as the knights move to the door, albeit reluctantly, but Arthur doesn’t move, glaring down at Mordred angrily when the younger man stops him from going into Merlin’s room:

“He’s my manservant, I want to be there when he wakes up.”

Mordred narrows his eyes, and Arthur kicks himself for never realising how much Merlin meant to him before now, but before the knight can say anything, Lancelot steps up next to him, answering in his stead:

“No, me and Mordred will be there, that’s all he needs. You need to go, My Lord.”

Arthur gears up to argue, to pull rank, squaring his shoulders and snarling slightly, but an angry Lancelot is something he’s never seen and never had to deal with before, so he’s far too surprised to say anything when the knight interrupts his posturing:

“I said no, Arthur. He has to pretend in front of you. You’ve already done this to him,-”

He gestures angrily to the door to Merlin’s room:

“-he needs to not tense up and stress out immediately upon waking up.”

Arthur steps back slightly, but clears his throat, pushing through the slight heartbreak and guilt to argue:

“Oh, and he doesn’t have to pretend in front of you two?”

Mordred rolls his eyes, giving Lancelot a pointed look before stalking up to Merlin’s room, leaving the older knight to deal with the angry King. Lance clenches his jaw and lets out a harsh breath, looking away briefly, as if trying to stop himself from saying anything cruel, before giving up and glaring back at Arthur:

“No. He doesn’t. Because we, and Gaius, are the only people who actually know the first thing about Merlin, and he trusts us. He needs space, and time to heal, and comfort, not the demanding presence of a King whose already pushed him too far, who treats him like shit and forces him to think he has to hide who he is. For God’s sake, Arthur, can you please, for once, think of anyone but yourself.”

Arthur widens his eyes, and though Lancelot looks a little like he regrets what he said, he doesn’t back down, nodding to the door behind Arthur and not moving away until The King steps back again. Arthur takes a deep breath, turning to exit the Physician’s chambers before the knight could see the guilt on his face and the tears in his eyes. He leaves without looking back, ignoring the gaggle of knights waiting worriedly in the hall and stalking straight to his chambers, only just managing to shut the door behind him before the tears finally started falling.

Back in Merlin’s room, the servant thrashes in his sleep, whimpering despite Mordred’s comforting whispers in his head, Gaius’ hand in his hair, and Lancelot’s soft lap as a pillow. 

This... was going to be a tough one.

~

The End of part 1!!!

This was legit supposed to only be one part buuuuuuut we can all see how that went. Part two will follow on really quickly, but it was getting far too long to leave all as one 😅

I hope y’all enjoyed it, link to part 2(the final part) at the top!! :)

#merthur #good morgana #bbc merlin #hurt merlin #good mordred #protective lancelot #protective mordred #merthur whump #king arthur #merlin/arthur #morgana #mordred #sir mordred #leon #sir leon #gwaine #sir gwaine #lancelot #Sir Lancelot #sir percival #percival #elyan #sir elyan #gaius #bbc mordred #scar reveal #ptsd #tw: ptsd #lots of angst #part 1