#Most of my friends are purely online so I definitely felt that

[the-ratronaut]

So I watched this one horror... film? Would you call a feature length twitch vod reupload on youtube a film? Whatever, I think it should count. I watched this horror film last night and it's been sticking with me, giving me feelings and all that. "the gmod stream" it's called. Warning if anyone wants to watch it, the video contains sudden flashing lights and loud noises. Honestly it could probably have done without the loud audio.

It's basically a vod of a stream where three people streaming one by one become corrupted by something. There's some creepypasta to go with it and some creepy glitchy visuals. It's not the most incredible work, I've seen better small indie horror art pieces on twitch and youtube before but I think it's very good. It gave me a specific vibe I enjoy seeing in horror, speficially that feeling of discomfort you get at watching a situation that you know is only going to get worse and the people who could stop it don't know to stop it.

Now it's weird because while watching it I didn't really care much about the paranormal elements (they were still neat but not what I focused on). What grabbed me was the shifting dynamics between the people acting on stream. The way that, when their friends gradually become more off, more out of character or weirdly cruel with no explanation, the others' reactions were, just, very genuine. They empathized with the odd behavior, wrote it off as a bit, played along, tried to ask if everything was going okay, opened up to them more and just genuinely seemed very distressed that they couldn't reach them. They never got angry, frustrated yeah, but never vocally angry.

literally up to the last moment the last "normal" one of the three is still trying to reach out and ask why their friends are acting so cruel towards them. It's distressing and heartbreaking and it just hit me in a really specific way.

So yeah, just felt like I needed to get these feelings down on digital paper. It's a decent watch of you have the hour and a half to spare. Just know going in that a lot of it is watching and listening to a mundane stream... also, the aforementioned warning about loud noises and flashing lights. I legit had to turn down my headset a couple times.

The video:

#Art critique I guess? #I think the themes of long distance friends and longing to be with the people you care about and physical isolation also kinda got to me #Most of my friends are purely online so I definitely felt that #The gmod stream

[modelbus]

Hello!! I LOVE your writing, like I’m obsessed! So, I can’t tell if your requests are open, buttt if they are, I would DIE for some fluff turned to angst of a fem!reader who is in a group with cc!Ranboo, cc!Tubbo, cc!Wilbur and cc!Tommy nicknamed the chaos squad by the fandom, where she is the least popular in the group and a rumour spread that shes only in it for the popularity, so they slowly stoped inviting her to streams and vlogs and ghosting her.

it could start with like three two sentence stories about the group (or something), how it was formed just fluffy moments, and then be like “but it didn’t stay like that for long..” and explain why she was subtly kicked from the group before a scene where shes streaming and gets asked about why shes not been in any videos anymore.

PHEW that was ALOT, if its to long you can obviously shorten it or just not do it- but if requests are open and you like the idea, I would love to see something like this!! <3

PS. You are super cool, keep up the amazing work!! (When you want to ofc)

-✨🌌🌙 Anon

Thank you so much! I tried my best to include everything :D This literally took me out of my writing slump

Part 2 :)

Pairing(s): cc!Ranboo, cc!Tubbo, cc!Wilbur and cc!Tommy x Fem!Reader (Platonic)

Cut Chaos

The feeling of belonging was something nearly everyone chased after. After all, being out of place was simply… lonely. And, somehow, you found yourself slotting into the weirdest place in the world.

A handful of stupid friends.

You always found yourself drawn to dumbasses, in the most affectionate way. Like looks for like, you suppose. And shit, did you find some people that could make you cry laughing even on the worst days.

Ranboo, Tubbo, Wilbur, Tommy. Four people that made the sun rise every day, that dragged you out of bed for the stupidest vlogs to ever exist. Fans adored the five of you together so much that you got a group name for the first time in your career: the Chaos Squad.

Truly, it was a fitting name. The things that the five of you got up to, you’re certain no normal sane person would do. But, well, your job as a streamer already set you apart from the category of “normal” a long time ago, so you definitely didn’t mind the messes you got into with them.

From Tommy dragging the group to an abandoned island, saying it’d be fun to try to escape (you fell out of a tree and Wilbur sprained his ankle), to screaming along at Lovejoy concerts, it felt like the five of you were unstoppable.

And God, did you love them. It didn’t matter how many times Ranboo hit his head on things, you’d still laugh. It didn’t matter that you literally passed out from laughing so hard once, you were still happy. Pure, unfiltered love.

The five of you against the world, forever. You could see it, in those sunny days where you grinned so hard your cheeks hurt (they were the first ones to make you do that—the realization only made you grin harder). The perfect idea of happiness.

Was it any wonder things didn’t stay that way, that perfect, for long?

A rumor.

It always seemed to start with one of those, nowadays. A simple murmur among fans that grew and grew, until you were closing out of twitter at 2, 4, 5 AM, debating if you should just delete the app and put your status on “Do Not Disturb.”

You accepted the fact that being a female content creator was going to be a struggle a long time ago. It was a fact, something you knew you couldn’t avoid, especially in gaming. Having rumors about you online wasn’t new. It would never be new, not as long as you were yourself.

But you thought you’d be past caring about them by now. You thought the tight panic that gripped your heart, made it hard to breathe, was a thing of the past. So stupid.

One private account turned into multiple threads, turned into trends on the trending tab.

Everyone thought you were using your friends, the chaos squad as a whole, just to boost your career. To leech off anyone’s subscribers, just for some money in your pocket.

The idea made you sick to your core.

How dare they? How dare they ever think you didn’t genuinely care for the four? That they were anything less than the lightness in your heart, the freedom on your mind?

Rumors.

You ignored them. Even the thought of addressing them made you feel pissed off like you’ve never been before. It was such an absurd idea! At the very least, you knew your friends would see past the hateful people.

Right?

It starts with an unanswered message in the group chat.

Unanswered messages weren’t new. A stray comment tended to get lost in the general mess that the group chat was, so you weren’t concerned. Just laughed to yourself quietly; it wasn’t important anyways, just a photo of a cat you saw.

Until it happened again. And again. Until more of your messages went ignored than responded to, until the group chat had less and less messages each day.

When the first vlog comes out, the process repeats. It’s on Tommy’s channel, of course. Him, Ranboo, Tubbo, and Wilbur. The chaos squad, just without you. It surprised you, because you never even realized they filmed a video, and normally all of you share upcoming videos.

All the warning signs were obvious, and you were too much of a damn fool.

You filmed one vlog with them after that, exploring a supposedly haunted house, before you woke up a month later and realized you hadn’t talked to them in a week.

One week turns into two, two into three, until you’ve realized what’s happened. You were gone, out of the picture. Happiness had slipped through your fingers faster than you could’ve ever comprehended, and now you were in a dark room—literally.

But what could you do? If they didn’t want you, there was nothing you could do to stop the unraveling of your universe.

So you did the same thing you did before them, defaulting back to what was safe: streaming alone.

Today, it’s just a mindless game. Yesterday was the same, and fuck, this isn’t the same anymore. Not when you don’t have Tubbo in the chat sending messages, or Wilbur using Text-To-Speech.

But you’re here, still streaming. Still going, no matter how tempting it is to just shut off your computer and pretend the last months of your life never happened.

There’s always fans though, and if anything cheers you up, it’s them. So your donations are on, allowing them to be read aloud while you play the silly little unpacking game.

“Where am I putting the diploma guys? Where does this go?” You ask, mouse hovering over the virtual object. “Maybe I’ll just put it under the pillow…”

“StarEmojis donated $15! If up is down and yes is no, how many sides does a triangle have?”

“Thank you, but… uh...” You narrow your eyes at the message. “None, it’s a circle?”

Shrugging, you drag the diploma in the game to under the pillow. The riddle sounds familiar, but not one you know the answer to. It sounds like something Wilbur would send in the group chat at 2 in the morning, honestly.

With that thought in mind, your eyes flicker over the user that donated it. StarEmojis. Not Wilbur.

You’re so stupid for hoping. For the jump in your heart, for the frantic searching.

“StarStarMoon donated $20! Why aren’t you in any Chaos Squad videos anymore? Love you!”

Air catches in your lungs, dread swelling in your chest as your hands still on the mouse and keyboard. That shouldn’t have gotten past the moderators, but it did.

And now you have to answer it.

It wasn’t like you could tell the truth: that you weren’t good enough. That even your best friends didn’t believe you over rumors from strangers online.

Any lie would have a chance of getting back to them though. Not that you can imagine them caring, not anymore.

You swallow past the lump in your throat that’s killing you, taking a breath in before answering. One chance to get the fans to move on, one chance to find the impossible balance between the agony inside of you and cool indifference.

“We’re all just busy.” You say, forcing a smile on your face.

It’s true, at least. Everyone is busy. Everyone except you, that’s it.

“Just scheduling problems. Wil- Wilbur has Lovejoy practices and performances.” You stumble over his name. Did you even have the right to call him Wil anymore? “And Tommy is just always busy. He’s the busiest person, I swear.”

Is that true anymore? You don’t know. He used to be, but you used to help force him to take breaks. Was he taking breaks? You’ll never know.

With another forced smile, you give a half-hearted shrug. “So yeah, just busy, don’t worry guys.”

It’s with baited breath that you wait, eyes scanning chat to see if they bought it. From what you’re seeing, they have.

“Now we need to reorganize these clothes, because they’re killing me like this—“

Your discord pings quietly on another monitor, and you scramble to open it. Just your mods apologizing for letting the donation go through. You send a quick message back to them before pushing the donation to the back of your head just like everything relating to the group you’re no longer part of.

What could you do, anyways?

This was out of your control.

#dsmp #mcyt #mcyt imagine #tommyinnit x reader #tommyinnit x you #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot x you #ranboo x reader #ranboo x you #tubbo x reader #tommyinnit #wilbur soot #tubbo #ranboo

[graciegoeskrazy]

Hey i was wondering if you could do a matty fic where his daughter comes out as trans to him and the boys? Or if you are not comfortable writing for trans people like just coming out as gay?

figure my heart out

Matty Healy + Queer!Teen!Daughter!reader

Warnings: coming out, a lil yelling

A/N: Hi!!! Okay so I was writing something similar but then I put it down but then I saw this request and RAN TO MY COMPUTER AS FAST AS POSSIBLE ASNCONTINUED WRITING BCUZ I GOT EXCITED. A sorry and thank you to the anon who requested this! I felt like I wouldn’t do it justice if I did it with transreader and as a bisexual with a similar coming out experience this was easy peasy lol. None the less i love and appreciate you and I hope u enjoy! I really really really really really like this one and I’m proud of how it turned out. Enjoy!

The epitome of a perfect night. Driving in your girlfriends new convertible with the top down while blasting Lana Del Ray and giggling and smiling like nothing else in the world matters became a wonderful feeling of pure bliss. You wish you could stay in that moment forever. Endless talking about the things the people who piss you off in school talk about, or airing out your problems to her because sometimes it feels as if she is the only one who listens. There was no one word for that feeling. All you knew is that you craved it. You needed it like a an IV through your arm, supplying nothing but joy and love into your life. You didnt just need her but she needed you too.

Yes it was a secret, but it was a beautiful one, Sure, sometimes you wanted nothing more than to parade through town with your hands intertwined and boat to everyone around you that she was your girlfriend, but this secret needed to stay hidden. Not just for her, but for you too. You were n stranger to the things your father has said online. He was Matty Healy, if the guy wasnt known for his music, he was for sure known as the man who makes homophobic jokes on stage everynight to a sold out crowd. The man has been cancelled and apoloized more times than you could count. Even though everytime he says he’s not against anything of the sort - ad you whole heartidly believed that - would it be different because you were his daughter? Some days that thought was just a quiet whisper in your head, and some days that voice grew louder until it grew loud enough to keep you up at night. But you always came to the same conclusion. He would love you no matter what…right?

Any and all thoughts surrounding it came nowhere near crossing your mind while you were at your girlfriends. After singing your hearts out and getting lost but not caring at all on the drive, you both decided to head back to her place since her tank was running low. It was there you fell asleep in her arms. Not thinking. Not caring. Not paying attention to anyone else in the world but her. And most definitely not thinking about you 11 pm curfew.

To June’s parents, you were just a friend sleeping over. A best buddy who helped their daughter get through her high school years. Nothing more than a nice, kind, good girl with good morals. And that was true. They just didn't know about the part where you make out with their daughter every time you’re under their roof. Same with you dad. They were downstairs, absolutely clueless of what was happening above them when a loud flush they made woke you up. You jolted awake and as a result of sleeping so close to your girlfriend, woke her up too. The blaring light on your phone read 1:07.

“Fuck.”

You scrambled out of bed and started packing up your bag without saying a word to June.

“What’s happening?” She said, still half asleep.

You turned to her, suddenly becoming more gentle. “Go back to bed. I missed my curfew, my dad doesn’t know I’m here. If I don’t leave he’s gonna get suspicious as to why slept over during a study session.”

She smiled at you, pulling you in for a kiss. “You’re just a very determined student.”

You fell into the kiss, and let go with a smile. “Bye.” You said. She winked and watched you walk out the door. “Text me when you get home please.”

You turned back and winked, shutting the door.

The drive to your house was uneventful. Yeah sure, you missed your curfew, but it wasn't like your dad was the type of helicopter parent to make sure you were home exactly by 11. You hadn't even received a call or message asking you where you were. If anything he was probably fast asleep along with the other members of the band. Or at least that’s what you told yourself.

When you walked into the flat you shared with your dad and your uncles, it was dead silent. You could hear the silent snores coming from Mayhem on the dog bed in the living room and the crickets outside. You were in the clear. You walked very carefully heading up to your room. Before you could even make it to the 2nd step. You heard a voice. Stern and loud.

“Y/n Healy.”

It was your father. Of fucking-course. As you slowly turned around you were met with him standing in the dining-kitchen area. A light turned on and revealed his full frame along with Ross, George, Adam, Carly, and Jamie. All sitting down at the table except for your dad, standing above them all. He slowly walked towards you as you stood still staring at him. You closed your eyes and let out a shaky breath, followed by a “Shit.”

“Where were you?” Your dad asked sternly. To which you replied, “Nowhere.” It was clear he was PISSED. He only spoke twice and it was evident you were in for something. He never spoke this way. Never to you at least. Until now. He raised his eyebrows, giving you a second chance. You sighed again, looking down and toying with your fingers. “I was with June.” You said shyly.

“Tell me the truth.” He said. His tone softened just a hair.

“That is the truth-“

“Tell me the whole truth.”

You dad knew you like the back of his hand. You were him. A literal miniature version of Matty Healy. Therefore he knew when you were lying. Not that you did it often, you were a very trustworthy kid. Never lied, never got grounded. (Ok so maybe not a literal miniature Matty)

You shrugged, “I was just with June.”

He raised his voice again, “Stop lying to me, y/n.”

“I’m not lying!” You raised your voice this time.

“Your hand twitches every time you lie.”

You were taken aback. Shit, I thought I grew out of that. You just scoffed. “No, it doesn’t.”

Adam spoke up and pointed to your hand and it’s movements. “Boom. Twitch.” You gave him a look.

Matty ignored him and stayed locked in on you. “In all of your years of existence on this earth, you’ve never lied to me.” He said, a little more gentler this time.

“And, I’m still not. I’m telling the truth-”

“But you’re not telling me the full truth.” He was very good at this whole parenting thing. He put his hands on your shoulders. You didn’t reply, just sighed and looked down. After a moment, he continued. “You’re grounded.” You head shot up. He walked back to the kitchen and started refilling his drink. You followed in suite.

“What! For what?”

“For lying.”

“I’m not lying! I’ve never even been grounded in my life.”

He shrugged, “There’s a first time for everything.”

You could not believe what you were hearing. “C'mon Dad! George, help me out.”

George was ethier high of drunk or both because he seemed to be enjoying this little argument way to much. “I’m on his side for this one, babe.” He said.

“What?! You guys, I'm not lying.” You said, gesturing to the group.

“You’ll be ungrounded when you tell me where you were.” Your dad said from the kitchen.

“I was with June! How many times do I have to say that?!”

“Doing what?”

Your eyes widened and you stuttered a bit. The group must have noticed because that to them was a giveaway that something more was going on than you cared to share for. “Nothing! We were just hanging out!”

“Your hand twitched again.” Adam yelled.

You turned to fully face him again. “I’m about to murder you.” You said.

You dad came back around and with a solum look, but a hand over your shoulder. “Look, I’m not gonna get mad. Whatever you’re hiding, it’s not worth getting grounded over. Tell me what’s going on - the truth - and all let you go. Okay?”

You couldn’t do it. There were so many possibilities of what could happen from this moment on. None of which you wanted to explore. You rolled your eyes and headed back to the stairs, whispering a faint, “Whatever.”

Your father followed behind. “Y/n Healy, tell me NOW-“

“I was on a date with June!” You yelled.

“We went on a date! Ok? We went on a date then went back to her place and watched TikToks for an hour before watching New Girl reruns and having awesome sex. I lost track of time, I tried to sneak in so none of you would find out, and so my secret would stay secret.”

The room was quiet. Only the sounds of Mayhem and the crickets like you heard before. Tears were falling out of your eyes and you were heaving pretty heavily.

“Is my hand shaking now?!”

Everybody remained quiet and still, not daring to move. “Jesus.” You said as a final goodbye, before walking up the stairs to your room as fast as you could.

A few minutes after they heard the door slam, Ross spoke up. “You fucked up bro.”

Matty shook his head. “It’s not my fault.” He said in defense

“Mate, you just forced your daughter to come out to you.” George yelled.

Marty liked back at the stairs. A single tear falling from his face as he does so. “Shit.”

#matty healy #matty healy x daughter!reader #matty healy x reader #matty the 1975 #matty x reader #x daughter!reader #the 1975

[animalhumanemn]

We adopted Kylo from the Golden Valley site on New Years' Eve 2023.

2023 was a really difficult year for my husband and I and started with one of our senior dogs (Daisy) going to the urgent care vet on January 1st. The year progressed with her being diagnosed with degenerative neuropathy and Cushing’s. About half way through the year (on Memorial Day) our other senior dog (Duke) became ill and was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma 2 days later. It had already spread throughout his body so we made the extremely difficult decision to end his suffering and say goodbye. This was the first time we had ever had to make the decision to say goodbye to a fur-baby and it was the most difficult decision we had ever been faced with!

Returning home to Daisy (and Poppy) without Duke was heartbreaking! Daisy was never the same after he passed and developed severe separation anxiety. Her health continued to be a rollercoaster for the next few months and life without her best buddy definitely took a toll on her. In early November she developed a gagging cough and ended up at the emergency vet in the middle of the night. She was diagnosed with heart failure and atrial fibrillation. The outlook wasn't good and she had already been through so much throughout the year, that we again made the heart-wrenching decision to end her suffering and pain and say goodbye.

Two dogs in one year was more than we could bear and it broke us! We weren't sure we would ever be able to open our hearts up to another dog after we lost two of our best friends. Luckily, we had our sweet cat (Poppy) there to comfort us with endless cuddles. Her unconditional love is what got us through those first few months. After a couple of months passed, we were really struggling with how quiet the house was without Daisy and Duke. We had at least one dog in our home for the last 14 years and had never lived in a house as a couple without one. So we started to casually look at puppies online at Animal Humane Society. Our hearts slowly started to open up to the idea that maybe we could share our love with a dog again, but we were concerned about how we would introduce a dog to Poppy as her happiness and wellbeing were our main priority and concern.

We visited the Humane Society a few times over the next few weeks and visited with a few puppies, but nothing felt quite right. The Friday before New Year's Eve we saw a puppy online at the Coon Rapids location. After we both got off work we met there to go visit with him. Unfortunately, another couple already had him in a visitation room and ended up taking him home. We took that as a sign that he wasn’t the puppy for us and decided to keep looking online and decided that we would make a trip to Golden Valley right when they opened Sunday morning (New Year's Eve) to see what puppies they had available. We looked at the website on Saturday evening and had our eye on a 3-month-old puppy, Biscuit. She was absolutely adorable and we figured she was still young enough to be able to work with her on building a great relationship with Poppy.

We arrived at the Golden Valley location shortly after they opened on New Years Eve and quickly made our way back to the puppy suites. We located a volunteer and asked to take Biscuit into a visitation room. We visited with her for a while, but the connection wasn’t really there. We could see the other puppies from the room we were in and noticed a little pure white puppy watching us. My husband left the room to find a volunteer because he wanted to switch puppies and visit with him instead. Not long after switching puppies we knew something was different. This one felt right, but would he get along with Poppy? We stayed in the visitation room with him for over an hour and visited with several staff and volunteers during that period trying to decide if this would work. The last volunteer we visited with was a foster for kittens and shared her experience with us and told us confidently that she thought he would be a good fit for Poppy if we introduced them slowly. So we decided to leave that day with Kylo, still not completely sure we were ready for this, but knowing that we wouldn’t have the heart to return him, so we had to make this work!

We weren’t attached to the name Kylo so thought about changing it to Peanut. Later that evening; out of curiosity, I googled “Kylo meaning”. What popped up at the top of my search was “Sky; Heavenly” and we instantly knew we had to keep the name. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it right away or not and it felt like this was a sign that he had been sent to us by our fur-babies who crossed the rainbow bridge earlier in the year.

Two months have passed since we brought our sweet Kylo home. His personality and appearance are an odd 50/50 combination of Daisy and Duke. While he looks more like Duke in his stature, he has Daisy’s color. He loves to cuddle in blankets like Duke used to, and sleeps with his limbs in the air like Daisy used to. He is a constant reminder of our fur-babies that have passed, but also brings a new life into our house that we haven’t had in a while. I think he is exactly what we needed to be able to move forward. I still struggle with the loss of Daisy and Duke every day, but he is there to help me through it alongside Poppy. The first few weeks were really tough introducing him to Poppy, but I am happy to report that as of a few weeks ago we are all sleeping in the same bed and Kylo no longer has to be on a leash in the house!

I want to say “THANK YOU” to everyone involved with Animal Humane Society! The work you do is so AMAZING! Kylo is our 4th fur-baby adopted from Animal Humane Society's Golden Valley location.

(Daisy & Duke are in the first picture, Kylo and Poppy are in the second picture and Kylo is pictured alone in the last one)

— Sarah & Matt

[studentparxie]

Waterparks - INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY Album Review

I'm going to be honest, I'm still trying to comprehend this album at the time I'm writing this. There's just so much going on, lyrically and sonically. The themes of this album are very personal and are vulnerable topics. Religious trauma and finding his definition of true love are very prevalent within the lyrics. The songs were placed in an extremely specific order because the album is meant to tell a story.

Before I dive into the songs, let's talk about the album cover. It may just come across as a blue poison dart frog on top of a red background at first glance, but there is a deeper meaning to that. The bright red is supposed to be a passionate, violent, and hyper-sexual aura surrounding the frog. Awsten always represented himself with the color blue, since the color blue reminds him of his most vulnerable self. Frogs are seen as dirty and foul creatures through a biblical lens, which made Awsten feel that way because of religion. In a way, the frog is a metaphor for Awsten and he's surrounded by this violent and hyper-sexual aura. He specifically chose a poison dart frog because they are not naturally poisonous, they consume stuff that makes them toxic.

Even the title has some meaning to it. Intellectual Property represents the mental real estate that you'll give something in your head. It creates an environment to explore the themes of religious trauma and true love. These themes are placed separately throughout the album so you won't feel overwhelmed and there is time to explore each theme thoroughly.

ST*RFUCKER

This is a really pretty song. It makes me feel like I'm flying. It works really well as the opening song of the album since it introduces the themes of the album. Lyrics like "Jesus Christ won't text me back" hints at the theme of religious trauma, while "it's been a pleasure, it's nice to meet you" possibly represents letting people go and meeting someone new. This short track attracts you into the album, leaving you wanting more.

REAL SUPER DARK

Oh boy, this song is bonkers. It feels so evil and goes hard. It sounds like a sensory overload but in a good way. This is a fast emo-punk song that doesn't hold back. Awsten's online persona is usually goofy and chaotic, but this song portrays that that's not who he is all the time. He feels these really super dark and negative feelings sometimes and in this song, he really lets it all out.

FUNERAL GREY

This was the first single released for the album and it felt very appropriate to kick off this era of Waterparks. It's light and summery, and it's supposed to make you feel warm inside. It introduces the love story aspect of the album. This song sounds like falling in love for the first time. There is a playful twist with the theme of religious trauma, as heard in the lyric "I know your dying wish is to be baptized in my spit." Honestly, this is a really good song to introduce Waterparks to someone. It's fun, playful, and can get stuck in your head every now and then.

BRAINWASHED

One of my personal favorites on the album. It gives off a similar vibe that FUNERAL GREY does, but it's not exactly that. It's still bright and summery, it has some negative undertones though. It's about meeting someone for the first time and forming a hyper-fixation around them which isn't necessarily healthy. This hyper-fixation is shown with the lyric "It's like my brain isn't mine/you moved into my mind." Though, Awsten is self-aware of it and recognizes it's a problem. It's like he's wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. "The syndrome feels Stockholm" is a line demonstrating that he's already established trust in this person. Overall, this song is really cute and sweet and sounds like pure serotonin.

2 BEST FRIENDS

This short and infectious song has such a positive energy, it sounds like I'm at the beach. It's about the feeling of being in a one-sided relationship or showing interest in a potential partner, so Awsten hangs out with 2 best friends to not think of that person. The funky synths and simplicity of the song make it such an earworm, you'll have a hard time getting this one out of your head.

END OF THE WATER (FEEL)

This song is astronomical. The falsettos make my brain so happy. It feels like being transcended to an alternate, mystical realm. The title of the song is a reference to the Pixar movie Onward, as it is a quote from that movie. This song deals with the infatuation with someone, focusing on the lack of a relationship while being invested in this person. The instrumentals complement the meaning of the song really well, passionate and mystical. It's another of my favorites on the album, and Kurtis Conner at the end is the icing on the cake.

SELF-SABOTAGE

In this song, we can hear the change in tone of the album. It's still a pop-rock anthem but is not really a cute song. This song signifies the realization that he is sabotaging the relationship. He is struggling to find time for his partner, though his mental health is holding him back. The repetition of "What the fuck is wrong with me?" in the track represents that Awsten is self-aware that he is the problem in the relationship. The meaning and lyrics of the song contrast with the catchy and fun sound of this track. The woohoos in the chorus are infectious and the bass line just makes you feel all kinds of funky.

RITUAL

Oh buddy, oh God, this song is absolutely off the walls. Waterparks has gone full metalcore on this one. It's so dark and evil, everything feels like it's caving in on Awsten. The distorted vocals, heavy guitar, repetition of the refrain, and breakdown all just work so well in this song. "My inner child needs a bulletproof vest" could possibly mean that Awsten wishes that he could protect his younger self from being exposed to religious ideologies. The final refrain literally sucked the life out of me. I need this song injected into my veins.

FUCK ABOUT IT

Coming out of the darkness, this hard-hitting pop-rock track navigates through the strain of the relationship. Whether it's communication issues or reflecting on each other's actions, they try to fix these problems with sexual intimacy. With a feature from blackbear, he delivers a quick and catchy verse as the partner of the relationship. Awsten's and blackbear's vocals complement each other very well, blending in with each other seamlessly.

CLOSER

In all honesty, this song wrecked me. Accompanied by an acoustic guitar, this ballad is about one's relationship with love. The opening line "Nothing stays the same/I feel love a different way" shows how love changes as you grow. Awsten looks back at the past and realizes that his love was maybe more of an obsession. Some relationships were soft and some ended more catastrophically. As he matured and grew as a person, his love matured with him. The way someone looks at the concept of love, it's always evolving as you mature. Love has different meanings at every stage of your life. From the bridge all the way to the final chorus, I always get choked up. It's beautifully devastating.

A NIGHT OUT ON EARTH

Okay so, there is a lot to unpack in this song alone. The sound is a lot more electronic-heavy with hyperpop and punk influences. The lyrics are the most vulnerable and personal I have ever heard. Awsten vents about some hyper-personal problems he's been facing for a while. The theme of religion pops back up with lyrics like "Now, Jesus hates my guts it's getting personal" and "Am I going to Hell in my sleep or will God forgive me?" He is also learning to use his negative feelings as an advantage. Feelings like jealousy, exhaustion, guilt, and heartbreak are prevalent in this bombastic track. Awsten clearly isn't afraid to hide his negative traits anymore and learning to be authentic with himself. This is heard with the line, "I wear my red flags like a cape." This song is so theatrical and instrumentally complex, it scratches every part of the brain just right. After my first listen, I was left speechless. The outro will never fail to give me chills.

In conclusion, this is the best album Waterparks have ever made. They reach new heights both sonically and lyrically. It's a really personal one for the band, especially for Awsten. I highly recommend listening to this album, it's ambitious in all the right ways. If you listen to the album, the general rule for Waterparks albums is to listen in complete darkness, with no phone, but you can listen along with the lyrics. They suggest that because you don't really get the first listen back. In general, I give this album a 10/10 across the board. Each song is unique and has its own quirks in them, and the pacing works really well to keep you engaged. This is the essential Waterparks album.

#waterparks #awsten knight #otto wood #geoff wigington #intellectual property

[funkymbtifiction]

Sorry that this isn’t a question.

I may be one of the most manic ISFJs I have ever met or am aware of (temperamentally, not clinically.) I think being a 6w7 is part of it. In real life and in fiction, I don’t know a lot of 6w7 ISFJ examples (and definitely haven’t encountered pure 7 ISFJs,) so I think it made it harder to find my type for quite a while. In particular, the mental intensity and willingness to extrapolate made me think I was an intuitive for a long time. It didn’t help that online, I occasionally got: “Oh my GOD you talk and speculate so much. Must be an intuitive.”

6w7 IFJs can be pretty energetic and head-y.

It's interesting -- once I became aware of being a 6 and that all the thinking I was doing was unnecessary... my brain got a lot quieter, because I realized it's optional to over-think and stopped doing it. Several years later, I'm not over-thinking nearly as much so my mind is quieter. Introverts are busy in the mind, since that's how they make sense of everything -- through a dominant introverted function.

I know 6 is a common type, especially for Si-doms, so if you have any favorite fiction examples of ISJs with 7 wings or cores feel free to share!

There's a few ISFJ 6w7s in the tags. My favorites out of that mix would be Guinevere, Allison Argent, and Newt.

A few things about me which don’t match most ISFJ depictions I’ve seen: Generally pretty open to new ideas and experiences, until like 24 hours before where I’m like “ughhh… I have to prepare for something I haven’t done before. What a drag. Will it even be worth it? What books could I bring?” Compare to me INTP friend who gets MORE excited as an event approaches, and I’m like “where was all this enthusiasm during the planning process?”

7 wing got bored. It was more fun to think about doing it, than it is to put in all the hard labor of doing it. ;)

Compared to other 6w7s I know (most of whom are NPs,) I don’t do positive re-framing the way they do. Pretending a crappy situation is actually fine? Not in this lifetime; “gritty realism” is where it’s at. Positive reframing for me looks more like assuming good can eventually be made from a situation if one tries hard enough.

That's the strong sensing function. Ne is... idealistic. "It's all going to be fine, and work out, because people really are good at heart!" Naive idealists to the last. This also rules out core 7 for you.

Brain constantly “on.” I haven’t identified as ISFJ for long (and tbh am still not sure of it,) and I barely ever think about Ne in myself. But I imagine a lot of it resonates with my habit of consuming as many new articles, blog posts, and videos as I can per day and feeling vaguely dissatisfied if I felt cheated of that time.

This doesn't necessarily indicate type.

Getting steadily more restless with where I live and the people I know over time, while simultaneously growing more attached, then panicking when I need to actually move.

Yeah, that's 6w7-ish. Boredom but clinging to the familiar. The frustration component of a 7 is HUGE within the type. But 6 wants to stay attached and safe.

Regarding type, if you want my opinion on that, you need to write a self-analysis of what two types you are considering so I can see where the accuracy of your thinking lines up or falters. (IE, I am an ISFJ because... vs. I am an NP because...)

#question #6w7 #isfj

[kashacreates]

AHHH!!! Hiiii!!! (@my-writblr here)! I saw where you reblogged my WIPs! Thanks :D

I just saw your introduction post where you share you were a transman. (I'm agendered! Not quite the same, so I wanted to ask two questions. Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to answer! Nooooo pressure or expectation!)

I'm writing a transman character and while he does end up coming out to his crush, the crush is like "I'm so sorry you felt like you had to come out to me! I should have been a safe place for you where you didn't feel the need." And is just generally supportive, but also I don't want her [the crush] to make it about her. I want it to be a mutual "Oh hey this is something I want you to know about me" and a "Oh!" moment.

I kind of *do* set it up to be a stomach drop moment where you think for like three words of her sentence she isn't going to be supportive but it's really just her feeling like a bad friend for worrying that she wasn't a safe space to be. But I want it to quickly turn around where it's a "Wait you're not upset I'm trans?" and she's like "Never in a million years!" SO Question 1: So does that sound like an okay scene (asking as a writer as well)? Or is it too cliche? It's not the big climax of the story or anything. It happens within the first half of the book. It's just another "secret" being uncovered between these two (The Crush being an ace and The Transman being aro and they still have a mutually beneficial relationship with a third member in a polyamorous triangle.)

Question 2: What are some things as a transman you want to see in transmale characters? Any do's/don'ts?

Thank you for the ask!

Let me give some more information about me before I answer those, as my answers may differ from another transman's answers. I also believe that a few of my mutuals are also transmasculine and I invite them to reblog this with their answers to this question as well. :D

I'm a closeted transman in my 30's who hasn't transitioned due to finances and health problems. I'm currently more financially stable, but the city I live in is very conservative and there is a real chance I'd lose my job should I start. I'm very open online but guarded in meatspace about it. However, non-professional friends tend to know so I haven't had to "come out" to a partner since they already know who I am, essentially.

I'm also an inclusionist, community-wise. This means that I see that the breadth, depth, hue, and intensity of human emotion is so vast that our language fails to accurately capture it. Also that the function of labels function better to find people similar to ourselves. I'm not one for discourse so take what I'm saying here as my experience, what I've read, and etc.

As to my answers:

Question 1: The scene seems fine to me since it's not a main plot point and seems to function as a way to inform the reader. If the focus is on the interpersonal side of things, I don't see a lot of writers handle the afterwards of coming out often. Even the most open-minded ally tends to have some preconceived notions. This means there's a growing period afterwards where both people learn how to deal with the knowledge: the cis person figures out pronouns, names, how to be respectful, etc. and the trans person figures out how to navigate helping someone else figure them out (it's very awkward! And rather unavoidable.) This is true for polyamory as well-people take a minute to learn and that is okay.

Also, people do tend to "make things about themselves." It is an inherent part to how we relate with each other. We tend to give-and-take in discussion. She should just avoid talking over him and engage with what he's saying along with whatever she has to say. I would definitely include why he wouldn't feel comfortable coming out to her prior to that, whether it's something she's said, it's purely a personal issue, etc. Question 2: Transpeople are like any other minority: not a hivemind where everyone agrees on what is proper. As long as you make a fully-fledged character that isn't a carbon-copy of a negative stereotype, I can at least take a story in good faith. (As an aside, there's been a rash of transandrophobia on Tumblr that makes for a great "what does hate against transmen look like. It can be found in transandrophobia tags and other places. Obvious cw and tw for transphobia.)

Honestly, the way I make trans characters is make a character then later go "Ah, they're trans."

I'm finding it difficult to put into words, but two things I'd avoid are transmen characters that are a little too uwu too cute and pure bean for this world and like transmen who transition explicitly to avoid misogyny. These simultaneously infantilizes and fetishizes us or turns us into horrid cudgel for terf rhetoric.

Something I wish more people would show in trans-media in general is a focus on gender euphoria versus dysphoria. The utter giddiness of getting to do something that actually feels right after feeling wrong or neutral for so long. It can be something as small as a shirt that fits right or getting the first hint of a beard or something more typical like cutting off long hair or getting the first binder and so forth. Being trans isn't a tragedy, there is a lot of joy in it too.

#advice #ish #I hope this helps! #trasphobia cw #transandrophobia cw #more just explaining some of the common ways those come up to help avoid baking into a well-meaning character. #But still worth it.

[wangan]

Reviewing the year is very strange for me. I only start to write this now today because it's been just over a year that I got banned from twitter and came back to use tumblr (I've had tumblr since 2011/2012, get off my ass). It was just a little bit before valentine's day I think?

No idea what I really wanted to say honestly. Maybe some social media review regarding recent "events." The appeal of twitter for me was to immediately put down my thoughts and post them, but now I just "liveblog" in a discord server (yes I hate discord). It doesn't matter to me as long as I can have a proper instantaneous record of what I felt or thought at the time I experienced said thing. It just helps my memory problems, kinda like a diary, but it's spontaneous. Not thought out fully, not curated. That's what's fun for me about blogging in the moment.

There is nothing more ironic for me than seeing people move from one social media to another only to find hordes upon hordes of callout posts for the people who own/manage them. Literally no one is going to be squeaky clean on the internet, and you should know this. You are willingly using a service, mostly for free (I pray for you should you pay for social media). It is going to come with caveats in multiple forms. Returning to twitter, making an account on some other website... idk man. It's all the same to me. They're companies. They're going to try to make money somehow. The owners may be more morally corrupt than others. Whatever.

I am not saying that I do not condemn these evil CEOs or what have you. I do. I hate these fucks. They are manchildren. But as an independent person, you do you. Stay on whatever site you want, I'm not about policing your choices. I mean we all use youtube and I barely see any of you bitches getting up in arms about it as much as these sites.

The site I've been lamenting losing the most, maybe because it was so fun when I was in school, was fucking wikispaces. Had to sign up via school I think. You could make your own "wikis" and that's when I first experienced rping with other kids in my school. Was kind of surreal. We had profiles for our charas and everything. Never thought I'd continue the rp shit on tumblr (but now that's dead too, idk why you insist on moving shit to discord). I really do miss making wikis of stuff. I wish I had that again.

And then blogspot? Which I guess is blogger? I don't know anyone who uses it anymore though. I do personally have a wordpress (well, woops there!) for translations, and I just recently remembered that I have a toyhouse account (I guess you can add me on there?) so there's that too.

Come to think about it I haven't made new "online" friends in years, because I'm so settled in with the people I know that I kind of don't care? It's not that I don't want to get to know people, it's just that I don't put in the effort to because I don't see a need to. If you find me interesting and want to talk to me, then that's fine. But on tumblr these days, people are just reblogging shit and I don't really get to see much of their personalities through "blogging" anymore.

I am not openly going out there and "finding" people to talk to, nor am I looking down on people who just reblog pretty things. It's your space. I'm the same. I keep a purely aesthetic blog for ME to look at and then this one for random stuff. But I am looking for people who don't just have a blog for reblogs with no original posts. I like to read people's tags, read about peoples' days. I want to see blogs run by "actual human beings" that share their experiences. I just want to see the world through you.

I don't really know what the point is here but I think humans should form meaningful connections with or without social media. I think social medias are a great place to meet people and stay in touch with them. It would definitely be hard for me to talk to people if I didn't have any of this. But at the end of a day, these are services provided to you by people who care very little about what you think.

It is thus with equal irony that I invite you to email me.

#long post #blog #this post was written in stream of consciousness so i have no idea what iwas thinking or saying

[plotvine]

I’m sat here writing the first of many pieces. Every time today that I attempted to sit down and tried to write something… my brain has decided to clear all the cookies. Well. Fair enough, but nonetheless, I am committed to putting SOMETHING on the page. “Fuck you,” I mutter to myself absently as I continue puttering away at my three year old laptop which feels like a physical manifestation of my reluctant brain. Once a beautiful, sleek, powerful machine, now an overheating mess of a device with an inability to sleep without completely shutting down, practically zero storage left, and a power level that left more to be desired than I currently had the strength to admit. I sighed, disappointed at the paragraph of pure self-contempt that I’d created and took a long sip of water from my dented hydro flask.

“This, this is why I don’t write anymore.” Under my breath I proclaimed yet another empty excuse. My inner voice was trying to be comforting, absolutely more supportive than I am of myself verbally. I appreciated that. If not for my friendly inner ‘critic’, I’d be a lot worse for wear. But my capacity for self hate was strong. It was as though that shadow self has burrowed deeper into my brain once my ‘higher self’… for lack of a better term, had turned on more lights in there. The writers room was still overrun with the shadow of self-doubt.

Let’s get into an introduction. I’m Quinn, I’m 22 years old. I’d like to say I have a job, a degree, or any other lovely accomplishment to boast about. But no, surviving this long is the achievement in itself. ‘So what do you do all day Quinn?’ Well. I operate as the right hand of a family that functions like a business. In return, I get most of the things I want, and thanks to years of being isolated from the world. There isn’t much I want, or care about, in the first place. I’m average looking, okay, well. Not to me, but definitely to society. Five foot eight, medium sized, with a complexion that would blend nicely with a galaxy milk chocolate bar, thick hair, large shoe size. Is that enough to imagine me? I wear glasses too.

I’m getting a nudge to describe something nice. I love music, I love books, and I love my family and friends. I also love to complain, and then naturally I suppose I’m a problem solver. Not one for wallowing much anymore. But if there was a qualification for wallowing, I’d definitely had graduated with honors. What are my goals? “Hmmm,” my reluctance to speculate about the future always resulted in a trademark humming that felt like I was simply buzzing the thought out of existence. But I was sitting here at my desk to push past boundaries, right? Grow as a writer and a person, right? Right? My inner voice definitely agreed. Well. My goal right now is to write every day for thirty days. Not necessarily a novel, not necessarily even 50,000 words. Not even particularly all on the same universe, or the same story. A loose goal always feels more achievable. Maybe next year all fifty thousand of those words will be on the same page. (Funny, I know). But for now, I’ll focus on even writing that much in the first place.

“Say no to self-sabotage.” I smile a little at the sight of my word counter. 575 words, not bad for a random spiel about the present moment. Writing has always felt incredibly personal. It felt good to dive into it without a roadmap and simply DO. Simply attack a keyboard with no regard for tense, voice, flow. Zero plot, and a sense of blankness that felt like a positive version of whatever depression does when I sit scrolling for 4 hours without realizing how much time has truly passed. This felt like a slightly more meaningful journal entry. One that felt ‘safe’ to post online to my writing blog with zero traffic.

‘Hi, I’m Quinn, lovely to be here. I’ll be your narrator for the evening. The evening will be one month long, and hopefully the threat of being perceived won’t scare me away from completing my mission.’ I imagine that a cartoon version of me would be quite adorable to watch an introduction for. If only I could draw well enough to satisfy my own standards… I proceeded to spend fifteen minutes daydreaming about my animated self and scrolling through Twitter. Back to my senses, I took a moment to read over my first entry. Trust me to write nearly 800 words about the frustration of trying to write. I sighed and smiled. An introduction that felt completely and totally Quinn. A recovering mess, with some wonky tense and a touch of debate between the two halves of my own psyche. Both halves felt a sense of tentative pride. Not too much though, I still needed to do this or something similar for 29 more days.

Fifty thousand words is approximate to 1,666 words per day, and I am at 850 now. Not bad for a day one. I’m inclined to take a tea break to reward myself with something that will actually keep me going. But no, I’ll stop here and come back with something a little bit more story-like next time.

#writers block #nano 2022 #oc fiction #realistic fiction #slice of life #900 words exactly wow #welp here we go

[skipzujinskip]

a new seed

TW // contains mentions of depression and other mental health issues. Also contains explicit language and other statements that may offend some individuals. These are my thoughts and my philosophies, if you can’t handle it, kindly click out and drink some water. You have been warned...

8/08/22 - Monday 

Midnight

After days upon days of just pure non-stop working, I finally reach my day of rest and leisure. Last week was surely a rollercoaster. Not gonna lie, it was eventful but its dominated with feeling easily drained and burnt out. This is all due to not really giving time for myself as much last week. 

Wednesday was my only day-off, it was the day of the Tyler The Creator concert, which is gonna be a blog of its own at some point. To summarise, it was fucking awesome and definitely one of the sweet highlights of the year. To spent it with my amazing friends: Jaiden, Riri and Pami, it was a great memory and experience together. Forever love my bad bihz to death, through what we all went through, this whole experience symbolises how we are growing up together and we are able to pull through the toughest of times. The way we met: online during the early stages of the pandemic to meeting each other to continuing to live our wild days and now finding happiness. We are seizing it through our 20s in so many ways. I’m always looking forward to seeing my mainz again. 

As for Tyler, he is one of the most talented artist I have ever watched live. He can bring me to keep on dancing the whole night and vibe like I am living my best life. It has been forever that I felt so euphoric. It’s all about the music, vibes and getting all dressed up to an occasion to live like it was my last. Tyler the Creator was the first concert in an arena during the pandemic since seeing Day6 again in 2019. Everything about this concert was just special and symbolic to how i’m living right now. 

Enough of me talking about Tyler because like I said; this day deserves a blog of its own soon. 

1:53PM

After taking the most fattest sleep like a baby, i’m up and refreshed. As deserved, I took a nice tranquil bubble bath, washed and toned my hair and did my skincare routine. I had worked 6 days this week, back and forth from the suburbs to the city. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love working in the city. THE CITY IS MY GOD-DAMN HOME.  and I love my job. I give it my all or at least try to whenever it’s a 4-hour, 5-hour or 7 and 8-hour shift. To be the best, you gotta the feel the best. When I am drained and burnt out, things can go south. I over-think, I get anxious and I am restless. 

After Wednesday, I was in total auto-pilot mode. Mentally, my mind was going “FUCK IT, keep the ball going and just get bank” when really all I want to do is rest, stay home and spend time with my family. I think I over-work myself because last year, I was always feeling shitty being unemployed and when I finally got my job, out of all places in the city. I saw this as an opportunity to support myself and my family and to keep seizing every opportunity, wherever it may be going to work everyday and covering everyone’s shift. I also want to keep moving up and learning more. 

I later developed this mindset where how hard I work my ass off determines my worth and how everyone respects me. 

This is not the case. 🤡

In reality, nobody gives a single fuck. It took me a lot of anxiety attacks and cold attitudes from others to realise this. I like to think of this all like sugar. Just like sugar, a lil too much of it and you get sick of it. That was some people to me  and that was me at working batshit rapid crazy mode everyday. I was no longer happy and I started to feel absolutely worthless. 

Nowadays, I do not cover anyone’s shifts (unless it’s absolutely important) and I became kinda blunt which can get me in trouble sometimes but I still have some sunshine in me to brighten the mood up, just to people that want it. I still work my ass off but I do not fuck with cold attitudes and I make sure to read the room before I keep “poking the bear” with my “sunshine” and don’t let anyone fuck up my energy. and that’s how a baddie handles it. 

DO IT FOR MOTHERFUCKING YOU!!!

10:21pm

I have been really distant to my friends. Some days I can talk everyday to them but mostly there are times where you are not able to contact me for weeks or have not heard much from me. To put it this way - I value my time by myself more. I can only recharge by myself. I used to be a person that is surrounded by people everyday and after the shit that had happened this year and how drained I feel easily. I protect my energy. I watched Princess Nokia’s interview at some uni and she said something that really stuck to me and that is spiritual solitude. 

A lot of things that she said in that interview really aligned with me as of recently. I can no longer relate to people, most specifically my friends. You start to feel very left out and depressed because people are moving quick and you feel like you are stuck. To be even more specific, it’s more towards love. 

Being a queer individual, it’s hard to find love and you should not find love, love should find you. Most of my friends (mostly straight and bi) are cuffed and I start to feel very insecure. That is why I often zone out, I just can’t relate to my friends anymore. I remember rushing myself to every dating app, looking for validation to minimise my insecurity but it gets even worse when you put your effort and energy into it. These apps can get you in fucked up situations like it had to me earlier this year but I learned that these apps ain’t shit and I gave up on it. 

I never really been intimate or romantically deeply involved with someone, often every situation i’m in, it just happens to be one-sided. Talk about a series of misfortune when it comes to love. Now I am learning to channel this love for myself.  I know it’s so damn fucking annoying when people tell you to love yourself first. BUT IT’S SO DAMN VALID. How are you going to be happy, respected and loved in a relationship? I have witnessed red flags in my past situations and went with it because I had no fucking respect for myself, believing every person that I come across is good enough and will change. This later bit me in the ass and the people turned out to be pieces of shits: treating me as if I am disposable and or never good enough for them. I have also witnessed red flags in other relationships and have been caught in crossfires to the point that I have to distance myself from my friends just to protect myself spiritually (and mentally). It can get draining when people can never learn and often I see sides of people that are just ugly, often I hear “I can’t help it” which tells me you can’t evolve as a person to be better in this relationship and I can only do so much as a friend, but I can also sense some people (the people that I love and fuck with) that they are trying to be better and trying to adapt when they are in a relationship. I respect that and that’s why I am still in contact with them often. In a relationship, I don’t want to fight often, but also I am learning to communicate my issues: By first communicating the triggers to myself and how to work around it. Right now, I am learning to be the best partner to myself before I am the best partner to anyone. 

9/08/22 - Tuesday

7 in da morning 

An hour or two ago I just announced on my work group chat that I go by the name Zujin now (exactly in bold). 

They probably think i’m weird for telling them this now and not 10 months ago. I just thought I would not get hired for having such a name. I prefer the name Zujin over my real name. Sorry Mum and Dad but my real name is quite crappy and does not fit the person that I am (right now). I just think my real name does not suit me and to put it in the kindest way possible, it just does not resonate or identify with who I am (in other words it’s a fugly name to call me as such). 

I got the name Zujin by combining the name, Pazu from my favourite Studio Ghibli movie, Castle in the Sky and Jin from one of my childhood video games, TEKKEN. 

What does Zujin mean you may ask? 

Zujin is me. The name doesn’t define me, I define the name. 😝

3:27 PM

During lunch time, I treated my mother and my brother to a nice lunch at an Italian restaurant where we used to go all the time as kids. I was quite drained from the bank appointment I had prior. It seemed like the Bank teller was playing a computer game rather than getting shit done, well what is done is done. I was so stuffed from lunch. I ordered a “entree” size of lasagna while my mother ordered the same size of the fettuccine carbonara and my brother ordering a chicken schnitzel with chips and lemon sauce on the side. We all shared a medium sized pizza. 

I began to really care for my family after the loss of my spiritual mother. We went through a lot. My mother lost her best friend, my brother lost his Ninang and I lost that one person that I called my spiritual mom.

I was a fucking mess after her passing. It was one foolish and dumb decision after another. Did I regret the decisions that I made? nope. I like to say that these things happened for a reason, even though it gave me a lot of trauma and i’m on meds as a result. These mistakes needed to happen in order for me to grow and become the person that I am today. I changed completely to someone that drank and clubbed often to someone that prefers staying home and doing wholesome shit. 

I began to repair the strained relationship I have with my mother as well as become much more closer to my brothers than before. Now I am super close to my mother who I call my best friend at home. I know Tita Elvie is super proud of me, especially with the things I have overcame and the person I have became thanks to her raising me. I am trying to get my head up high and see the light of things. I have gained a special guardian angel in the form of my beloved Tita Elvie and that is something that I will forever be grateful and thankful for. My guardian angel is guiding me and protecting me. 

11:45

I am really nervous about going into work tomorrow. This is my first shift after changing my preferred name to Zujin. I am just unsure if people will respect that change. I gotta do this for me, for my spirit and for who I am. 

10/08/22 - Wednesday

9:55 PM

Today was my first day as Zujin at work. I was honestly expecting people to just call me my previous name just to make fun of me but everyone was celebrating the name change and welcoming the name with open arms 🥲. What really hit me was when I saw my name on the schedule as Zujin and in my head I was saying “HOLY SHIT THIS IS SURREAL.” Small things like this mean so much to me and they aren’t even small to me. It means people accept the person that I am. Zujin is a name with no label, it can be labeled as feminine and masculine but it just represents me: the person that I am, my “larger than life” personality and my evolution as a individual in a society where people have opinions about individuals not conforming to the norm. I have fully embraced myself to be unique and no, I am not saying I have that “i’m not like most people” complex. I am not really loud about it: my actions and who I am speak louder than words.  

I had a conversation with one of my baes, Rahma, in regards to love and the issues we face with certain friends. Rahma along with my other bae, Elena, we make the trio of Powerpuff Baddiez. We have been friends for almost two years and we had gone through so much shit with people who have come and go and it would always be us three that stick together in the end. That’s when you know, the bond we have is so deep despite how different each of us are. 

Rahma is from the same train line as me, we often have these DNMs on the way home that just help each other grow better as individuals and it gives me clarity to my thoughts, especially as we are continuing our paths as young-adults. Along with Elena, we bring out the best in each other and we have an honest and uplifting bond stronger than any diamond. 

Rahma and I conversed about relationship issues that our other friends are dealing with. When we are in a situation/relationship/or whatever you fucking call it when you are involved with a specific person; people can get lost. One of our friends have constantly been cancelling plans on us last minute and have been making our other friends fuming with heat with their recent behaviours. All this because this person wanted to be with their situation. All I can say is that friendship is an equal effort just like an intimate relationship. Just be honest, you can’t just organise a dinner, have your friends get ready and wait for you at dinner only to flake last minute. Not once but in multiple occasions.

This person is lost between love and validation. 

This person has a habit of being in situations and putting in her all, understandably they’re young but all I can hear about this person’s situation is negativity about them being in this intimate situation but chooses to keep spending more time with this person. Confusing, right? Sometimes people can’t be honest on why they stay and etc. People just can’t handle being alone and sometimes they need that someone to define them, worst of all validate them. Which is quite fucked up honestly. 

Another pair of friends we had were together in a relationship and it appeared on social media that they were nothing but all this “lovey-dovey” bull-crap but it was far from perfect. I don’t wanna get in trouble with people and get into depth on it but I’ll try my best to give some context: what happens when you put someone who is very possessive and easily-jealous with someone that is two-faced and hypocritical about numerous things, fuse them together with the tendency to be so desperate in a relationship, just to fall in love with the idea of love rather than falling in love with the person that stands right in front of them. This all equates to the clusterfuck of a disaster.

Don’t give me the “oh we’re just young” defence. I think people need to state their intentions and put in the effort to practice those intentions or else y’all are gonna create a mess and try dragging people into it to make each other look terrible in other people’s eyes. Clearly we ain’t picking a fucking side. 

This is the problem. Sometimes we can confuse love with validation. I am not an angel in this. In the past, I was insecure, believing I was not worth it for anyone despite me being very extroverted and bubbly. I let a person give me attention in a way where I was attractive to them. I haven’t had someone that looked at me in that way, therefore I was naive and was willing to be around them more. Later, they turned around and made me crave for their attention some more to the point where I was manipulated a lot which got me to where it’s fucking me up. It was nothing but pure toxicity. 

In the best way I described to Rahma regarding this situation: “Love is putting an equal amount of contribution in one mold. Validation is trying to put one different shape over another on to try and fit into a mold.” The two different  shapes represent the conflicting intentions of two individuals. 

Like I mentioned before, you can’t find love, love has to find you. If you are trying to find love in times of desperation: you are going to find yourself in a situation that will be the complete opposite of love, in other words, a SHIT HOLE. You gotta fall in love with yourself first, like I mentioned and it takes a lot of reflection, patience and understanding yourself. There are people that just want to have fun. Cool, but make your intentions clear with each other and don’t comprise yourself. 

11/08/22 - Thursday

8 PM

Today was kinda hard. The thing with having depression is that it’s hard to take control of you. I let my negative thoughts control me. In one moment you could be feeling on top of the world and then you feel something even the slightest. It all comes crashing down. It’s hard to even convey everything verbally when people ask you why you feel and are this way.

I went to hell and back this year and one of my coping mechanism was to go to work and just pretend the shit I’m dealing with wasn’t there. It worked like a charm til everything that I’ve bottled up suddenly exploded and I can barely hide it nowadays. People have so much expectations on me and it can get too much for me. I just wish people were easy and patient for me. In the past, people have projected a lot on to me, even if it had nothing to do with me. I was used to it and always gave them the benefit of the doubt. However, I’m too sensitive to even let that happen to me.  

I can be my own lover and best friend but I can be my own worst enemy. My thoughts and over-thinking weigh me down. I am too scared to ask for feedback. Due to the past, I put a lot on myself and often put myself down so often. I used put over my optimism over reality til reality catched up on me. I am trying to rebuild myself but I always put down my whimsical side.

11:13 PM

Just came home from the city with Lani and Rahma talking about our friend. I found a correlation between myself and our friend: my friend being stubborn about her situation to us and me being stubborn trying to make bank whilst putting my mental health on the line. I realised from that moment on, I want need to sincerely apologise to my colleagues. I have had numerous mood swings and all my managers/supervisors are trying to tell me is to focus on myself. I thought them cutting my hours and rostering me less days was because they wanted to see less of me and that I was being a burden to them. I thought the coldness from earlier was because they didn’t like me but truly its because they are disappointed that I have not made progress or effort to heal myself as much and focus on me. They only want the best for me. I know they believe in me but I need to believe in myself in order to feel their power to help me rise up from the deep sea of doubt and depression. I realise now that I desire a work-life balance and they are giving me this opportunity to do so and I keeping fucking up every chance because I want more hours or I cover my unavailable colleagues. I found work to be my life which should not be the case. I let my productivity from work define me which should not be the case. I need to prioritise myself over anything and what I need is to honour the time I can use to do numerous things in order to grow and heal. This includes learning how to drive, spending time with my family, pursue new hobbies like learning guitar, etc. 

I am learning to bring power over myself through my intentions but my main goal is to work on overcoming my trauma and overcoming loss. Last year, not once did I believe I will make it being employed and after that I will have the same feeling in the future where I sit and wonder, “Holy shit! I went through all that and I am thriving.” That is my motivation to keep going. I just know that I WILL REACH MY HIGHEST SELF.  

Beautiful cherry blossom trees don’t grow without rain. Diamonds aren’t made without pressure. You won’t see the sunshine and rainbow without the storm. Zujin can’t be a baddie if this bitch doesn’t fucking get it together. You know what? I AM THIS TIME. 🫡

12/08/22 - Friday

1:24 PM

It’s a new day, it’s a new beginning. 

It’s time to stay true to my word. Not gonna lie, I feel like I can relapse at any moment but I remind myself of my intention. Don’t let your dark self take over you. Let your highest self take control of you. I am learning to filter out negative energy which includes filtering my thoughts that are holding me back. I do have desires which I can’t crave into because I have other things to do in the present and these occur at unexpected times. 

I am also learning to keep my mind, body and soul within the present rather than thinking about the past that I cannot change but can only learn from now. I can’t think far ahead too as the path is already made for me and time will tell. The only thing to focus on is the present. 

Just got my appointment made for my driving lessons. It’s honestly like a new seed is planted. This seed growing into something invincible, strong and beautiful. I really hope I am making my guardian angels proud. I remember Tita Elvie always picking me up from school, every day til she became my angel. I am bound to do the same for her to my brothers and to the ones that were looked after by her.

13/08/22 - Saturday

12:39 AM

I’ve never experienced such an experience where I felt one mood escalated to another like a meter. Friday night was kinda fucked. Imagine getting ditched by one of your closest friends for a guy that you don’t fuck with. It’s pretty natural to go heat-of-the-moment to yell out “GO FUCK YOURSELF” right at them for doing that. Just wanted to spend some time with my friend after a nice dinner, only to be ditched by someone’s break at work all of a sudden, left on pause and looking like a lost deer. Understandably, they are upset at me but honestly, I don’t want to apologise. 🫠🫠🫠 Why should I apologise? I understand how they feel after that whole debacle but the word “sorry” doesn’t solve anything. It only solves them but what does this solve me? I used to be so anxious when I make people upset but when it came to vice versa, it’s never “Sorry, Zujin”, it’s only “it’s your fault for feeling this way”. The word ‘sorry’ has no effect on me and it grew to be such a thing that i’m used to (am I problematic? hahahaha...). I take accountability for making them feel like shit but I am not gonna give them a sincere apology. No apology at all is better than giving an apology straight from a head shoved up one’s ass. 

For once can I be selfish... DON’T GET ME WRONG, I am a forgiving person but I prefer to see forgiveness through growth rather than coming from a single word. I have also been conflicted to even get into depth with this particular event, I shall leave it for another day, because I don’t even know what this person’s intentions going in to it. 🥲 All I can say is: don’t waste your time and energy on playing players because it comes back to bite you in the ass as you become the one getting played and getting in all your feels. People can get bored and do dumb shit like this but that is for younger people, let them do that. Meanwhile, being a grown young ADULT doing dumb shit like this is pure clownery at its finest. Find your worth and believe that you can be your highest self, deserving everything you desire. From there, you don’t commit this clownery of an act. It’s a skill and it takes a lot of patience for you: it starts by being grateful for the little things and then it escalates to bigger and brighter things you can be grateful for. It’s just sad to see your friend like this but at the end of the day, there’s so much you can do. (P.S. I ain’t apologising still unless I put my heart into it; to which my ass is being sat down on that apology. 

From that point on, someone special witnessed that moment. Someone that I later confided in. I don’t know how to describe this person. I am attracted to this person and things like this make me shy. This dancing derp-headed free spirit is fucking shy?! SHOCKER. I had a conversation with this person for about half an hour to an hour just chatting about life and getting to know each other. I was still on the fence about this person til this convo. People tell me to shoot my shot but things like that is something I can’t be bold about. Maybe it’s because i’m scared i’m gonna be rejected or the trauma from my past situations have an effect on me where I feel like I can be unlovable. Me and this person share a few interests but we are complete opposites as they are more introverted and I am more extroverted. Polar opposites attract just like a negative and positive ion attract each other in an atom (YUCK! SCIENCE). I am taking it slow from here and giving some effort as this person has did to me with their sweet gifts and secret messages. 

It’s so simple how someone like that can turn your whole mood around for the remainder of the day. I’ve never had someone that can make me smile and blush (ewwwwwwwwww kilig!!). The little things like that mean a lot to me and it just means that they are with you on this road and are cheering you on. I don’t know if they will ever read this, i’d lowkey would feel embarassed if they ever did, but: I am super grateful for you, thank you so so so much, not for only the gifts and the sweets but also for making me smile and brightening up my day every time you pass by me, giving me waves, checking up on me and protecting me throughout my day. I continue on to make you smile and brighten up your day with my crackhead energy, dancing and bubbliness, and I give you my smile as a thumbs up. Thank you. 

1:21 PM 

Just finished enjoying a nice lunch by myself: a good fat small burrito. 🥰 

I’ve grew to realise the person that I have become through all trauma trials and tribulations; I have become stronger of course, but I don’t let anyone walk all over me. I have stated earlier I have become blunt and I am starting to be more upfront and honest which can get me trouble sometimes. I realised sugar coating shit and being selfless just to please people is draining in all aspects of looking after yourself. To add to that: they take the kindness for weakness. I am in my “I don’t fucking care” stage right now. I guess this new found attitude and personality helps determine my own worth and shields me from a lot of things. I also seem to enjoy more of my time when I am alone compared to my past self always surrounding myself with people on the daily. I used to feel as if I can’t truly rely on myself and I was unable to be alone with my thoughts. Right now i’m still controlling it, I can be my own best friend but my own worst enemy. It’s all about learning to give power to what keeps your frequency high and what is holding you back. This mindset doesn’t just happen overnight, its mostly a marathon rather than a quick race. 

I’ve been honestly trying to make the effort for my family as I have this quest to see them happy through me. It all starts from making yourself happy and then giving that energy to them. My mother and I are closer than ever and I wanna make her feel like the most radiant human being ever. I got her a shit load of goodies today, it’s because she deserves it. She has driven me to places and sacrificed herself in order to raise us and to make sure we are healthy. As I continue to grow up, I wanna give back to her. It was never like this... Hell, she didn’t accept the person I am becoming but love conquers all and she started to see the vibrance and glow I radiate when I am just being who I am and she grew to accept me. I love my mother and she deserves the world and the light. I kinda inherited her selflessness and her willingness to help others, most importantly she adds to my golden heart along with my angel, Tita Elvie. 💛💛💛💛

#blog #august #2022

[themelancholyhill]

I want to talk to you about this. It’s actually kinda funny how you and I are going through similar things around the same time. I can’t remember if I told you that for a while now, M’s replies to me have been lacking in quality and frequency. I’ve also taken notice that he’s been online less and less lately and I thought it was just his work making him busier than normal. This happened once before (last year) and I asked him about it. I said he seemed distant and he replied by saying he’s been working a lot (at that time) and that when he’s overworked he gets like that. So I thought this time was the same. Recently, his whole demeanour changed. Something was definitely up, I just wasn’t sure what.

The other day he told me he forgot to publish a post on his IG. This is our conversation after he said that.

Me: Your gf is keeping you busy.

Him: How do you know I have a gf?

Me: Unfortunately I notice EVERYTHING.

Him: How do you notice everything?

To which I did not respond on left him on read. When I joked that his gf is keeping him busy I meant his work. During one of our conversations last year I told him that his work is his gf, I guess either he doesn’t remember that or he wanted to be honest with me, which I can appreciate the latter. I knew in my guts something was up but I didn’t want to pry by asking.

The point of me telling you this is that I immediately got triggered by what happened to me with my irl guy friend. I felt used. I felt tossed aside. I felt like the last 9 months of this friendship was a complete lie. I put SO MUCH work and effort into this friendship. I fought hard for this friendship with my husband, and this is the reward I got. I would send him a paragraph asking about his day or I would tell a joke and he would reply with one sentence. It feels like a slap in the face.

What I came to realize is that these cis men can’t handle a romantic relationship ALONGSIDE a deep, platonic friendship with another woman. It makes me feel like I’m in competition with his gf, and I should not be in the least. Friendships and romantic relationships satisfy different things, they offer different types of love, one should not be compared to the other. They fulfill different needs, which is why I had no issues cultivating a friendship with a man who was single at the time we met even though I am happily married. All the same feelings came rushing back. And I have no one to blame but me. I thought M could handle how intense I am because he is European. I thought he understood my view on friendships when I told him I think of him as my brother. I thought he knew what I wanted the most out of him: presence and friendship. I feel like he’s taking both of those away, just because he has a gf in his life. It makes me feel like utter shit. Like everything I did for him was meaningless.

I wanted a purely platonic, deep emotional connection with him. I wasn’t exactly upfront about it and just forced it on him. He was neither looking for nor wanting what I was offering in the beginning. Even just saying that makes me feel fucking stupid. I feel like I have no self-respect, that I wanted something so badly I didn’t realize it was something unfulfillable by a real person. What I want is a fantasy that no one based in reality can make true.

This has happened to me before, as you know. These cis men are unable to give themselves emotionally to another woman unless he is fucking her, unless he is interested in her romantically. Women are so much more than just for their pleasure. Love in general is so much more than just romantic/sexual love. I thought he understood that. I thought I was very clear on what I wanted. They are losing out on so much love that doesn’t require them to be anything at all but present.

This friendship with him has been very one-sided like I’ve said before. I am done giving myself as currency to spend on something I do not see any returns in. There have been too many issues within our friendship, and I think it is due to the fact he and I have different ideas about what a friendship is. I will always want something that is not in him to give and I don’t think it’s fair on either of us to continue with our friendship in the way we have before.

Having said that, maybe distance will be good. I am happy he found someone. He had revealed to me that he wasn’t happy being alone. I want to give him ample space for him to nurture his new romance, but I am not the type to wait on the sideline for him to come back. I am time sensitive and the moment for me to be patient has passed. I am happy for him but sad for me. Sad that the same thing has happened to me twice now. I am done with trying to make friends with cis men, it takes too much effort with very little reward.

After I told him about the incident with my therapist, he said it’s easier for a man and a woman to maintain a friendship if one (or both parties) is already committed to someone else romantically. I do not agree. This implies that unless one person is romantically taken, the friendship would not work. He and I are now both romantically taken, and from what I see, this friendship is seriously on its last legs.

V✖️

It’s truly unnerving to see how much your situation with M has an uncanny resemblance with my situation with Ray. The lack of frequency in the replies is one of the signs for the beginning of the end; it’s like, their way to “smoothly” and slowly let things go. I don’t wanna talk shit about either M or Ray, but at this point, this sneaky behavior is driving me to the edge! If they (talking specifically about Ray) think that silence is the best answer, all I have to say is a big: fuck you! to that. Silence can mean everything, but in this situation, when a thoughtful “one way” friendship is concerned, silence means jack shit cause silence is nothing: it doesn’t exist at all and it’s not an answer, it just makes things more confusing!

The way M had your inside joke/reference fly over his head and the way he reacted when you mentioned his gf is sus, tbh! Does it mean that since he’s in a relationship now, he has to give up on your friendship??! Does it mean that when you are friends with a guy, he must not be in a relationship cause he doesn’t want to put it on the line?? In your case with M, you had to fight to maintain your friendship, dealing with your relationship with your significant other and all, and when M got in a relationship, he’s ready to just back off?? I guess you’re right when you say that cis men can’t handle having a gf and a friend!

I remember when I started talking to Ray earlier last year. We were very casual at first, but then I found myself getting invested in him after I got to know him better. At that time, I don’t think he was in a relationship and I guess he met his current gf last summer because his replies started getting less and less frequent! I just hope that she is the most wonderful person on the face of this earth to make him change his attitude towards me this much! When I used to see him with his friends, I noticed that they were super nice to him and he enjoyed the attention. In my mind, my hopeless romantic and delusional mind, I thought that when I genuinely showed acts of kindness and concern, I wouldn’t scare him off, but oh well… I wrote this when we were having some late night, online conversations and I think it illustrates my feelings blatantly:

Now, speaking of platonic friendships between a woman and a man: let’s take late 90s Rom-Coms to illustrate this situation. You know the cliché of the main female character falling for the jerk and having her guy bff being secretly in love with her. Why does she often end up in a relationship with her bff by the end, why can’t they just stay friends? And why does she have to learn how to love her bff just cause he loves her?? Like, if they were meant to be together, why wouldn’t they just date without going to the whole “friend-zone” masquerade?? This is a kinda bold statement from me, but I believe that cis men can’t stand platonic friendships with women cause having gfs makes them feel more “manly”, but I’m not sure about that! 

“They are losing out on so much love that doesn’t require them to be anything at all but present.” This line right here resonates with me on so many levels, simply because, this is exactly how I see Ray! I told my friend once (I said this to him too which might freak him off, idk) that being next to him was enough even without talking. He’s one of those people that you feel drawn to instantly, and I think that this is why I’m heartbroken, the fact that I was wrong about him in this regard and being blind to it all this time. I wrote something about it and I think it sheds light on what I’m trying to say:

Now, I can’t be mad at him and I wish him all the joy in the world. This piece of writing sums it up perfectly: PS: I used 2nd person cause I imagined myself talking to him

I have no energy to invest in anybody new. With the guy I mentioned last time, the one who left me on read for a week now, I haven’t put in any effort with him and this is why it doesn’t hurt to have him pretty much ghosting me! But tbh, after what happened with Ray, I can’t (I know it sounds cheesy) love anyone else the same way. I know that I’ll meet new people, potentially my other half, but they’ll never get to his level; I’ll always care about him as long as I still remember him. Like I mentioned above, I’m against the idea of learning how to love someone just because they love you, this may sound like a fairytale scenario, but I want to click with someone and we slowly fall for each other!

I hope my response isn’t all over the place, but I wanted to answer you quickly and share my thoughts with you!

Post-edit: I forgot to mention that distancing yourself is the best solution to clear things up in your head.

#asks #V✖ #friendship #about him

[jayflrt]

akka LMFAO 🤣 a lot has happened when i slept, you posted three chapters of reparations and i dead ass was shocked thinking i was in the wrong account 😭 please jungwon: a kpop smut fanfic writer?? but those timestamps looked like pyscho.

jungwon literally said "i'm an anti-romantic" 😭😭😭 1) the 12:00 pm timstamp — "when you play the wrong chord, he places his hands over yours and breaks your fingers." 😭😭😭🤧🥲

2) the 4:00 pm timestamp — "he asks you if you can put the star up at the top. when you tell him you're not able to reach it, taehyun grabs another ornament and rocks your shit." naur 🤧🤧🤧

this is just pure ✨shit✨

and jay turning into a fucking human at last, made me feel grateful that he doesn't have to chase over those squirrels(is this spelling right, because i can't spell 🐿️'s right just like you — you 🤝🏻 me)

LMFAO i still can't believe the fact that sunoo committed a robbery along with riki 😭😭😭 akka, you made my day 🤧🤧 sunoo said "i'm riki's partner in crime!" and riki literally said "if i do it, you have to do it too </3"

my english exam went well but i am dissapointed because i wish i could've studied more :( but next time i'm not gonna do like that for my 12th boards 😼😾 and yes i hope to score at least 90% and i'll be grateful with that but my mom expects high and i can't do anything 😔

yes, i took photos with my friends but those friends were not rlly close and they were just you know like with me at the end of the semester 🤧 so i think i have no friends to be honest but i really enjoyed my farewell. coming to the band, they were like those anime boy bands, dreamy and pretty. they sand a rock song actually… btw what are your fav music genres akka??

lmfao, you mentioned a lot of times that you stopped playing piano because your fingers were short 🤣 i think even i'd prefer the acoustic guitar becuase it suits well with the summer and it's pretty calm but the strings might be pretty hard. am i right akka??

idk whether i'll have a break after 11th but most of the colleges start right after the exams are done, so it's basically in mid-june ig?? akka, phy and chem are dead easy when you understand the concept 😼

yes yes we should get our lives together this month and it must be very hard for you to multitask, but i hope you take good rest akka 🥰🥰 also svt is having their comeback and how do you feel??

i hope you get good internship offers, and praying to god for you to get a good salary too 😭🥰 i see psychology is really broad, i thought it only meant for yk human personalities and therapist side, LMFAO i didn't knew it could be this big 😲

i have limited my friendship with the prople and i'm hoping it will change my mindset because i felt like i lost myself making friends online and irl and it's basically sad and happy making these desicions :)

i never had my covid test and i was pretty scared to get my first vaccine and it hurt the whole time 😓

the title track came and it's the fucking "good boys gone bad" that title looks so good and each one them took part in the album and i hope they will find huge success on their way 🤧🤧🤧

also you answering my ask right after your midterm, i'm honoured 🤧 and thank you for saving the tiktok akka </3 yes math will be hard but it's easy since i'm solving more questions and i believe i can do it and you can be more proud of me 😭 literally thank you akka <3

i think that was for the best, moving on from him and i think i feel happy than the rest of the days when i always thought of him and i feel like not suffering anymore and i don't feel lovesick and i'm proud of myself for getting over 😾

someone chasing after me 🔪 we'll see akka, who's gonna enter my little world and i'm definitely gonna tell you about them 😊😳

thank youf or your good works akka, i hope even you get the good things in your life you wish for and i hope i can get into writing once i'm done and get my grammar and vocab done too…😔

i love how you take all your time to answer our asks and i appreciate you so much for doing the work you have done for us and for other people in your life 🥰 you have done great work 😽

— 🦔 (now i'm all good, hehe and one more thing, i find you cute akka 🥺)

HAHAH omg a lot did happen yesterday !! 🤧 i was determined to just finish it all so i posted the last three chapters sorta spaced out ?? :’)) BUT NOOO HE WASNT A SMUT WRITER IT WAS JUST SUNGHOON CLOWNING BC OF THE USERNAME see i had to clarify in the next chapter in the tags 😵‍💫

LMFAOO the second one (4 pm) was actually one i wrote for renjun before 😭 too good i had to allude to it here HAHAH

tbh at one point i forgot ab turning jay back into a human and i forgot jay was even supposed to turn back into one BUT it’s okay bc he’s back now 🫶 LOL u mean sqwirls 😁 (jkjk u got it right 😎) HAHAH POOR SUNOO DIDNT THINK HE’D GET INTO THIS MUCH TROUBLE BECAUSE OF IT THO imagine stealing one (1) book and you end up being cursed to live out your days as a chicken 🤧 tbh maybe this is a Good Message for the fellow kleptos

i’m sure your mom’s proud of you !!! 💖 but good luck and i’m proud whatever the result is :’)) and i’m sure you did great on english! 🥰 and for math as well i’m sure you’ll do great !

oooo i see so they’re more so like acquaintances or just classmates :o i’m glad you enjoyed your farewell tho and that’s so cool that you got to see a band perform 💕 i rlly like chill music like lofi and r&b and pop !! tbh there’s a lot of songs i like so it’s hard to choose but hbu?? 💗💗

HAHAH that’s my go-to sob story with the piano 🤧 also yesyes i found that the strings were harder for the acoustic than the electric !! however i played the violin for four years before that so i was already used to the calloused hands 🤩

omg you start mid june ?? :o that’s when i end school HAHAH but i look forward to hearing about how your new school is !! 🫶 and omfg i always slacked at chem and physics and hardly understood much 😭😭 the easiest for me in chem was balancing equations <//3

and yesyes!!! we WILL get our shit together 🥰 AHHHH IM SO EXCITED FOR SVT i saw jeonghans teaser today and words cannot describe how hyped i am ☹️💖

thank you!!! im praying i get a position somewhere 😭 and omg yeah a lot of ppl have the misconception that psychology is strictly therapy/counseling work but it’s very broad :’))

honestly i think sometimes it takes people different amounts of time to find their real friends so you’ll stumble upon them unexpectedly !! i happened to meet my life long irl and online friends around the same time and i wasn’t expecting either, and it’s great because we all are still close after all these years 🤧

omg you got the vaccine!!! HAHAH tbh i’m pretty good with needles but the vaccine did make my arm pretty sore the second time around i believe :’) did you get a fever or anything? :o

also right !!! i’m so excited for it 🤧💗 i just listened to tamed-dashed japanese ver and it was so good 🥰🫶 i bought the albums too HAHAH when i saw the photocards i knew i had to </3 plus the pobs were too good omg

i’m glad you’re over him if you believe that was the best for you!! it’s nice that you feel happier and lighter now so i’m glad you’re moving on 🥰🥰 and yesyes i’m excited to hear if you find anyone in the future HAHAH

THANK YOU 🥺💗 i hope i get the few things i ask for too HAHAH (just one internship this summer pls god) and omg i hope you can write after your exams are over 🤧💖 do you have any plots in mind?

AND OH MY GOSHH THANK YOU SO MUCH THATS SO SWEET 😭😭💖 I APPRECIATE YALL AND LOVE SEEING WHAT YALL HAVE TO SAY SO ITS RLLY AN HONOR TO RECEIVE THESE ASKS SO THANK YOUU and omg thank you for finding me cute 🥰🥰💕 hope ur day/night is going well love !!

#💌 : love notes #🦔 anon

[burningupp]

written under the cut!

eighteen: stupid

<<< masterlist >>>

Taglist (open):

@missmadwoman @jovialdelusionbouquet @sopebubbles @sugarcayls @a-noona-mous @emmmui @chimchiekookie @renhold-nightspear @halesandy @gracefulevijlsoul @ephyra1230 @leahknox @somelazysundays @r4yih @jikooksgirl19 @orxphicz3phyrs @secretlycrazyhummingbird @taeshuworld @hannahdinse8 @mybabywearschanel @lovelytaes-blog @salty-for-suga @lyra0cassiopeia @theestrangeddreamer @xianav @gingerspicetalks @unicornbabylover

Immediately after you send the text, you hear the telltale sound of a FaceTime-call breaking through the silence of your apartment. It makes you smile, and shift to sit more upright on the couch - Jimin may be a friend, one of the best ones you've ever had if you're honest, but you don't find the thought of exposing him to your double chin while you lay down particularly enticing.

Since Jimin (and Taehyung, but you try not to let your thoughts linger on him too much) left, talking to the cheerful man had become like habit. He always texted you good morning, asked how your day was when you got home, and wished you sweet dreams before sleeping. Unlike Rosie, he actually took his time to listen and hear you out just as you did the same for him.

No shade to your long-time best friend, but she wasn't particularly attentive to others; an unfortunate trait she had always carried with her.

As soon as you pressed the green button on your screen, Jimin's smiling face made an appearance. The sight of him pulled a smile onto your features, one you couldn't have fought off if you wanted to - the man knew how to cheer someone up.

Jimin seemed to be in a living room of some sort, something that you found rather surprising. The other times the two of you had FaceTimed, he made it a point to provide the both of you with the privacy of his room, door shut tight. You didn't mind much, but the unfamiliar background intrigued you.

"Y/n!" Jimin exclaimed, that large smile never leaving his features.

"Hi Jimin," you smiled back.

Though your greeting may not have been quite as enthusiastic, you were in fact very happy to see your friend. Your days were spent in a kindergarten, after all, and as much as you adored the kids you cared for, they weren't very good conversationalists just yet. Besides, aside from Rosie, you didn't have many friends, definitely none you considered close, in any case. Jimin's presence in your life, in short, was a welcome one.

"How you holding up?" the smiling man asked, gaze softening.

"I told you I'm alright, Min," you chuckled, glaring at him playfully. "I'm not a child."

"I know, but I care about you, love," he answered, pouting a little. It made you giggle at him.

As bothered as you were because of the whole Taehyung-situation, you figured it was no use dwelling too much on it; if he was upset, you didn't know why, and if he expected an apology, he would have to man up and ask for one. You felt guilty, of course you did – it was in your nature to do your best to always keep all your relationships amicable. Still, there wasn’t much you could do if you didn’t even know what to apologize for.

“I know, thank you for your concern,” you told him, smiling sweetly.

“No problem,” the man grinned back, and you briefly reflected on his ability to shift emotions with such speed. “Anyway, I’m sorry for saying those things about Rosie, that was not very cool of me.”

You bristled a little at that, not even having thought much about his less than kind words towards your best friend. Honestly, they were kind of true – Rosie really shouldn’t have gone through your phone without your permission, and definitely shouldn’t have taken Taehyung’s number without yours (or his) permission at all. However, you were very much used to her antics, and therefore tended to gloss over things like this.

“Ah no, it’s okay,” you told your friend, waving him off. “She can be a bit much at times… it does feel a little bit weird when you don’t know her, I suppose.”

Jimin hummed a little, a crease appearing between his brows. He didn’t want to tell you, but he thought Rosie was a horrible influence on you; he thought you deserved much better friends in general, if he was honest. He had heard about her from you, and while you tended to sugarcoat most things in life, the things he heard were still a bit appalling despite it. On top of that, he had seen the way Rosie acted around Taehyung, and the fact that she was manipulating him understandably didn’t sit well with him at all.

“I guess that might be true,” he agreed, not wanting to make you uncomfortable with his opinions on the matter. “Aside from… that whole situation, how are you doing?”

This question caused you some distress. Your gaze fell upon your coffee table, littered with mountainous piles of papers and books, your laptop open in the middle, glaring its bright white light at you. You bit your lip, stress swelling in your chest and threatening to consume you. You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath – nothing good would come from stressing about the situation.

“Y/n?” Jimin asked after a few seconds of silence.

Your eyes were burning with the effort of keeping your tears at bay, but you still answered the man as calmly as you could.

“I’m okay. A bit stressed, is all,” you said, tacking on a chuckle at the end as to not clue the man in on your severe distress.

“How come?”

“This one teacher… She was pregnant. Keyword ‘was’. She was in her 36th week when she went into labor, meaning she still had lessons to plan all the way until summer, and she had two weeks left  until her maternity leave. Now we have to plan all her lessons quickly, because we have to bring in a substitute and it’s just—” you stopped yourself, taking another deep breath before you hurled all over your fairly new couch. “It’s just a lot.”

Jimin frowned at you through the screen. He could definitely see the dark circles under your eyes, and the mess your hair was due to the incessant pulling. He could see a coffee stain on your sweatshirt, too, and when you covered your face with your hands, your bitten-down nails also became apparent. He really felt for his friend, and wished he could relieve your stress somehow.

Just as he was about to suggest taking a break or a vacation or something, you saw another man walk up behind him. Despite looking the band up online (purely to be able to keep up with Jimin’s stories about his life), you could not place who the unfamiliar man was at first. He had broad shoulders, was reasonably tall, and had brown, messy hair. From the looks of it, the man was about to walk straight past Jimin, before he stopped dead.

“Hey, who are you talking to?”

The man padded up behind your friend, leaning in to see the phone screen. Jimin jumped as soon as he heard his friend speak up, clutching his chest and glaring at the man.

“Yah hyung, you scared me,” he whined, and you giggled, your stress momentarily forgotten.

“Oh, is that Y/n?”

Now that the unfamiliar man was so close, you could identify him as Seokjin, the oldest member of the band. You smiled bashfully and waved a little. “Hi.”

You had never talked to Seokjin before, but he gave off a very friendly aura, even through your phone screen. He smiled back at you, and waved a little too.

“Nice to finally see your face,” he grinned, and your eyes widened. “Taehyung talked a lot about you.”

At the mention of your childhood friend’s name, you froze. Jimin was very good at avoiding mentioning his name, but of course, Seokjin wouldn’t know that the two of you were… not on the best terms at the moment. So, you swallowed down the sudden melancholy that washed over you, and tried your best to smile. It sort of worked.

“Ah, well that’s nice of him. Seokjin, right?” you settled for asking, not wishing to dwell on Taehyung for too long.

“Call me Jin,” the man told you kindly before turning to Jimin. “Our car is here to take us to practice.”

Your sweet friend groaned loudly, pouting at the camera. “I guess I have to go,” he said grumpily.

“I guess you do,” you giggled as Jimin stood up from the couch. “Don’t work too hard and take plenty of breaks, okay? You too Jin!”

You saw Jin pause at your words, turning to grin at the phone once more. “You really are a sweetheart, you know that?”

His words made you blush, because you weren’t very used to compliments, but you appreciated them nonetheless. Jimin was quick to agree with his hyung, reiterating how sweet and kind you were, and your face flamed even hotter.

“Yah, let’s go!” you heard a shout from the background.

“Alright, now I really have to go,” muttered Jimin, smiling softly at you. “Please don’t overwork yourself. You won’t be any good to those kids if you’re burnt out, you know.”

You returned his smile easily. “I will do my best. Now go before someone bursts a blood vessel!”

Jimin giggled before saying a quick goodbye, followed by a shouted one from Jin. Before the screen went dark, though, you saw a man with curly hair walking out the door.

You hated the way your heart sped up at the sight of him.

#bts smau #bts x reader #bts social media au #bts social au #bts fanfic #smau #bts #bts fake texts #bts fic #social media au #bts x y/n #bts x you #bts fake chat #bts fluff #bts fake social media #bts fake chats #taehyung x y/n #taehyung x you #taehyung x reader #bts taehyung #bts texts #bts text #kim taehyung #taehyung #taehyung fluff #taehyung fake texts #taehyung text #taehyung texts #taehyung social media au #taehyung smau

[maria-akira]

how you meet the ahs boys + their reaction while you're having a class - PART 1

—♡—

hey yall im back again 🧍🏻‍♀️ is this what you call a headcanon?? idk BAHAHSHHA. anyways i've had this idea in my mind for a while and i wanted to share it to yall, so i hope you guys like it 😌

these also have a little back story on how you guys meet !!

also, special mention to @tatestripedsweater for helping me give ideas with jimmy's part !! thank you so much mwah 🥺❤

warnings: none! just pure fluff <3

please excuse any errors !

—♡—

~♡ TATE LANGDON:

before the pandemic, you and your family have moved into the murder house.

the house gave your family a very odd vibe, but nonetheless all of you had to bear with it because it was sold for a cheap price.

but when the pandemic arrived the country, you were stuck at home 24/7. thus, classes were online.

you met tate because of your father. tate was one of his patients and the both of you grew close.

"Y/N, what are you doing?"

tate would randomly barge in your room while having a class and you would jump out of shock.

"Jesus, Tate. Stop scaring me like that!"

tate would giggle and lay on your bed, observing the lesson that the teacher rambled about.

while you're writing notes, he would stand up and take a chair from some part of your room and sit beside you.

knowing that tate is clingy, you would warn him not to bug you and behave while you listened in class.

of course, he doesn't listen and he would place his head on your shoulder and eventually would cuddle you.

"Taaate, please let me focus."

luckily, you always keep your camera off.

"Mmm, no. I enjoy bugging you."

~♡ KIT WALKER:

one time, you were driving to school on your own and you were almost running out of gas.

luckily, you saw a gas station nearby and decided to get a fill before heading to school. and there, you met kit.

when you first laid your eyes on kit, you thought that he was the prettiest man ever. you couldn't let this chance slip, thus, you exchanged numbers with him.

you talked all day and night, the both of you were so inlove with each other and you finally decided to introduce him to your parents.

your parents loved him and you were so, so happy.

but when the pandemic came, it affected your relationship with kit.

since all schools and unis were closed down, everything went online.

when kit stayed over, he couldn't spend a lot of time with you because you had to attend classes early in the morning, till afternoon.

"Can you stay in bed with me for a little bit, darling?"

unfortunately, you woke up late that day and you missed 10 minutes of your first class. and just like that, you were stuck to your desk until afternoon.

"Kit baby, I'm sorry. I'm late for my first class. Maybe later, okay?"

as much as kit hated this whole online class thing, he would always find a way to cheer you up.

thus, he would cook you breakfast and bring it over to your room.

"C'mere, I'll feed you while you listen and write down notes."

~♡ KYLE SPENCER (PRE DEATH AND POST DEATH) :

PRE DEATH:

madison, your friend, had bugged you all week to go with her to this college frat party near your house.

you weren't the party type. you loved staying at home, watching netflix or reading some sort of fan fiction on wattpad.

but you hated being single. so, this was your chance to actually get a boyfriend.

when you arrived at the party, you immediately hated it. everything was so loud and everyone was drinking, it was definitely a new sight for you.

you were sitting on a couch that was in the balcony, with a red cup that was filled with punch. you loved being away from the commotion.

this is where you met kyle, it was love at first sight. the both of you had so much in common and you thought that he was the man of your dreams.

you exchanged snapchats and from there, you were partners-in-crime.

you and kyle had stopped going to parties ever since the pandemic arrived, which means you got to see each other less.

since the both of you were students, both of your classes went online.

one time, kyle had no classes for a day and he decided to surprise you.

that day, you were having an online presentation. both your camera and microphone were on.

"Rene Descartes was the Father of Modern Philosophy—"

as you were presenting the slide show, you were cut off by kyle's presence infront of your desk.

"I brought you food, baby!"

you would shush him and suddenly turn off your mic.

"I'm so sorry, Miss. My boyfriend arrived and I—"

kyle would go beside you and kiss you on your cheek, your classmates and teacher cooing over it.

"Miss, you better give my girlfriend a good grade."

POST DEATH:

*pretend that he survived the bus accident and had a coma, because we arent involving witchcraft here*

kyle and his fraternity were on a bus that was going to some college event at school.

on the way there, you guys snapped each other and his friends would talk to you as well.

unfortunately, they got in an accident and the bus was flipped over.

a few students, including kyle, survived the accident.

when you heard this news, you cried your heart out and you didnt talk to anyone in your family.

you and your family visited the hospital and you rushed to kyle's room, it broke your heart to see tubes in him, with machines that beeped like there was no tomorrow.

when the doctor said that kyle was in a coma, your heart sank in the deepest part of your body.

this made you stay 24/7 with him until he was discharged.

when he was discharged from the hospital, he was not his usual self. the bubbly, energetic kyle was gone. instead, he was so confused with everything.

kyle's mom made him stay with you until he got his memory back, and you were more than glad to help.

but this took a toll on your studies because your classes were online due to a pandemic.

everyday in class, you would let kyle sit beside you and let him observe what you were doing.

"We're in Science class, Kyle. You were really good in Science, you helped me alot with my homeworks."

most of the time, you would help kyle develop his speech and his writing. but it was difficult for you.

"S-Sci... S-Sci-en.. ce?"

"Yes, Kyle! Good job, now one more time."

~♡ JIMMY DARLING:

ever since you were a kid, you loved going to carnivals, your parents would always bring you there every weekend.

there were carnivals almost everywhere, and your family brought you to all of them.

to you, each carnival was unique. the clowns and magicians in each carnival had different tricks up their sleeve.

but as you grew up, these carnivals slowly went out of business. except for one, which was elsa's cabinet of curiosities.

you decided to visit it one day just for a trip down memory lane, you never really had expectations for this place.

when you arrived there, there were a few people that were seated.

the show started and it instantly made you smile, they reminded you of your younger days. oh how you wished to be a child again.

you watched through a few acts, and the last act was a man named jimmy darling

when he came on stage, you locked eyes with him. there was something about him that really struck you.

after the performance ended, jimmy ran over to you and got your number. from there, you always talked and you would visit him regularly.

the regular visits stopped when the pandemic struck the country, forcing entertainment establishments, schools and unis to close down.

for the mean time, all your classes went online. you told jimmy that he could stay with you until things went back to normal.

on an early tuesday morning, you were in english class. jimmy was with your parents preparing breakfast, and you were falling asleep while your teacher discussed about the odyssey.

unlike tate, jimmy would always knock on your door. as his mom always taught, never enter anyone's room without knocking.

jimmy would giggle at your sleeping sight, your head lowered and your hair messed up.

"Hey, sweetheart, wake up! You're in class."

jimmy's timing was perfect. as he woke you up, you were called by the teacher.

"Miss Y/N, Do you think Odysseus was loyal to his wife?"

obviously, you panicked. but jimmy was there to save you. since jimmy was fond of reading, he finished the book and he whispered the answer to you before you could turn on your mic.

"No, Ma'am. Odysseus had an affair with Calypso and Circe."

once you got your teacher's approval, you turned off your microphone and let out a sigh of relief.

"You're lucky that I'm here to help you."

jimmy would joke and you would jump up to him, tackling him into a hug.

"I'm always lucky to have you, baby."

~♡ DANDY MOTT

at a young age, you were exposed to different types of fabrics. denim, silk, corduroy, neoprene. they name it, you've probably seen it.

your mother worked as a fashion designer. she managed to open a shop in the city and it was a great success for you and your family.

your mother has styled famous models. because of this, the shop was promoted and broadcasted all over the country. one day when you came from school, you saw a long line outside the shop.

that day, the staff count was low. there were only 5 employees instead of 10. you didn't exactly know why, so you decided to help.

after what felt like several hours, the long line finally dissolved into 2 customers, which was a mother and her son. they looked through the shop and the mother instantly loved everything.

her son, on the other hand, was trying on this lilac tux that your mother made.

you assisted her son and when you locked eyes, the both of you smiled. you entertained him throughout his shopping spree and the both of you never broke eye contact.

this was how you met dandy. he made the first move by getting your number, and of course you gave it back.

from there, the both of you talked day and night, even when you were in school.

since dandy's mother, gloria, loved your mother's shop so much, she would invite you and your mother regularly to her mansion.

gloria and your mother got along very well, and it was like gloria was your second mother.

so when your mother went to paris for a fashion show, she let you stay in gloria's mansion until she came back.

but to your dismay, your mother was not able to come back due to a pandemic that was all over the world. flights, establishments, and schools closed down.

of course you were sad, but you didn't worry so much because gloria treated you like her real daughter.

classes were online and you were forced to attend them everyday in the shared room you had with dandy.

since you had to get ready for class early in the morning, you would quietly get out of bed because dandy was sometimes a light sleeper.

it was around 8am and you were in math class. in your school, cameras were required to be turned on at all times. you thought this was a shit rule, but you had no choice to comply.

you were drawing some circles with a compass for an example that was being discussed by your teacher, when all of a sudden dandy was beside you.

"Dandy, sweetie, what are you doing up so early? Go back to sleep.."

dandy would pout at the lack of attention that you were giving him. since he loved holding your hand, you let him hold your other hand that you didn't use for writing.

"You're doing Math instead of cuddling with me!"

—♡—

i'm actually super proud of this omg !! i hope yall enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it 🥺❤

—♡—

#ahs 8 #ahs 9 #ahs freakshow #jimmy darling imagines #jimmy darling x reader #dandy mott x reader #dandy mott #jimmy darling #tate langdon #tate langdon imagines #tate langdon x reader #kyle spencer x reader #kyle spencer #kyle spencer imagines #kit walker #kit walker x reader #kit walker imagines #ahs murder house #murder house #ahs asylum #freakshow #ahs coven #american horror story

[darlingmulti]

Yes, Chef (Chef!Seokjin x Waitress! Y/N)

Description-

You work as a waitress in a crummy restaurant in the middle of hick-ville. One day, a handsome new chef comes in and changes the scenery. Chef Jin is hot and talented and you immediately fall head over heels for him. Despite his good looks, the two of you don't get along. There is never a moment where the two of you don't fight. One night after you clock out, your grabbed, and end up in the back room... pressed against Jin's hot body? Will your fantasy finally become reality?

Pairing- Chef!Seokjin X Waitress!Y/N

Rating- 18+

Word count- 10.3k

Genre- smut, angst, slice of life, romance, fluff, enemies to lovers

Warnings- choking, degradation, teasing, exhibitionism, voyeurism, use of force, fingering, heavy clit play, nipple play, overstimulation, begging, marking, scratching, biting, masturbation, squirting, praise, spanking, groping, tummy bulge, swearing, hate sex

Playlist-

Grind me Down (Jawster Remix) by Jawster, Liliana Wilde

Flesh by Simon Curtis

Eager by AK diorr., BM

Go Fuck yourself by Two Feet

Piano by Max Changmin

Note-

Shoutout to my bestie @evie3511 for beta reading and helping with the summary!

Teaser-

“You were very bad today…” he whispered softly, and as he did his teeth caught hold of the tip of your ear, causing you to gasp and jerk your head away.

“I-I’m sorry?” you whimpered.

“You just keep fighting with me.” he whispered, his voice filled with emotion you couldn’t understand.

“You keep fighting with me,” You replied, chewing your bottom lip. This position wasn’t one you expected to be in with Jin ever, especially after tonight, but here you were, standing caged in his arms against his strong chest.

He dropped his head on your shoulder, and his warm breath tickled your neck, causing goosebumps to rise up along your skin, “I want you so bad,” He whispered against you, placing a kiss against your neck.

Before you could think you were replying, “I want you too,” the words spilled out much too naturally. You felt anticipation shoot through you as he chuckled against your neck, beginning to litter kisses along your hot skin.

You leaned tiredly against the cooler in the kitchen at work, eyes glued to your phone as you scrolled aimlessly through your instagram feed. Work had been an absolute nightmare today, though slow there were several tiny rushes throughout the day, and just when you thought you could leave one of the servers called in.

The managers had begged you to stay, citing how you were the best server, and they couldn’t possibly do it without you. After agreeing now all you could do was regret it, even if you might make some extra money it just wasn’t really worth it to you with how tired you were… not to mention dealing with people… ew.

“Y/N!!!” Your close friend, Jessie, could be heard squealing from across the kitchen excitedly, running over and grabbing your arm, “Did you hear the news??”

“What news?” You asked curiously, looking up lazily from your phone and raising your eyebrows.

“There’s a new cook!! He’s upstairs right now apparently!” She exclaimed, eyes shining brightly at the prospect of fresh meat. This was a restaurant after all, the majority of employees were female, any man was sized up by all of the girls as soon as he crossed the threshold. You tried your best not to do that, having given up on the prospect of meeting any good guys here. No matter what there was always a prettier server, or the guy had some fatal flaw, sometimes he didn’t even stay for more than a couple weeks.

“Oh wow,” you said, unenthused, your eyes trailing back to your phone screen, thumb poised to resume scrolling.

“I’ve heard he’s suuuuper hot, and- get this, he’s foreign!” She squealed excitedly, jumping up and down like a child.

“Jessie, come on. Why would a foreigner want to come work here? Who told you he was hot??” You asked, looking back up to indulge your dramatic friend.

“I don't know why, but he’s definitely foreign.. Well he apparently lived in Korea for a couple years.” she said thoughtfully, and then looked back to you to answer the next question, “He was here a couple days ago to get shown around, Elaina told me all about him. I guess she got to talk with him a little bit, she said he’s hot.”

Elaina was the restaurant's biggest slut, always finding new guys to screw. If it didn’t work out with one it wasn’t a problem, there was always another one. It was no surprise she had gotten to talking with the new guy, she would probably hop on his dick as soon as he walked through the d-

Your brain seemed to malfunction as you heard the kitchen door opening and looked up to see one of the most beautiful men you had ever seen in your entire life walk into the kitchen.

The first thing you noticed was how tall he was, the second was his insane body proportions. His shoulders were broad and strong, while his waist was kind of small and tapered. His eyes were chocolatey brown, wide and shining, they had a mischievous glint in them. His skin was incredibly clear and a gorgeous golden brown that you had never seen on any of the boys in this nasty town. It was about ninety-nine percent hick country, so seeing a man like this in person was a dream come true.

His hair was pure black and shining, but he quickly covered it with a chef's hat. He was wearing the regular chefs outfit, black jeans and a loose fitting black chefs coat, his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing firm and strong forearms that flexed as he followed one of the other cooks behind the line. He didn’t look nervous in the slightest, in fact he exuded confidence.

“Hey!” Jessie whispered and elbowed you rather hard in the ribs, bringing you back to reality and sending your phone flying out of your hands and onto the floor.

“Seriously!” you exclaimed, trying to act natural as you walked a couple feet to get your phone, glaring at Jessie who was watching you with knowing eyes.

“You were staring so hard dude, your mouth was wide open too!” She giggled and you glanced back at the man who had just come in, grateful he hadn’t seemed to notice you and Jessie just yet.

You shoved her irritably, “Shut up!” you muttered. You turned briskly to walk out of the kitchen, wanting to get away from her teasing and from the handsome man. Your face was getting hot the more you replayed seeing him.

He had plump lips, high cheekbones, a defined nose bridge, strong eyebrows, he was literally perfect.

“You look like you just saw a ghost,” one of your coworkers said as you grabbed a cup absently, wanting to drink some water.

“Oh?” you said absently, acting confused by the statement. You scanned the restaurant. There was only one table in the whole place right now, the rest of the crew would be here any moment, and you were looking at a hopefully busy Saturday evening.

You finished filling your cup and began sipping from it thoughtfully, your mind still on that perfect man. What was his name? What was he like? What did he look like under those loose chefs clothes?

“Excuse me,” you heard a soft, unfamiliar voice say behind you.

You looked up and behind you and could barely contain your shock. That perfect man was inches away from you, locking eyes with you. You wanted to look into them forever, but you thankfully had the sense to pull your eyes away, “Ah, sorry.” You apologized quickly, stepping to the side to let him get to the water gun.

“It’s alright, I’m Jin,” he introduced, holding out his large and gorgeous hand to shake. His fingers were long and slender, and his veins stuck out slightly on the backs of his hands, his nails were trimmed and clean too.

You stared at his hand for one second too long, causing him to raise an eyebrow but you raised your comparatively small hand to shake his, watching it disappear within his warm hand.

Wow… his skin was so soft. Was this guy really a cook? His forearms were completely unmarred, no burns whatsoever.

“I-I’m Y/N.” You introduced. Your voice came out squeaky and anxious sounding- fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, you cursed internally. He probably thought you were a baby talking that way.

“Nice to meet you… That’s a pretty name.” He complimented and smiled at you sweetly, making your heart rate pick up. This man was dazzling! You couldn’t help but think it should be illegal to look this good.

“Thanks!” you said, sounding weird even in your own ears, you should get away before you embarrass yourself further, but he was standing right here looking at you, it would be a waste to walk away now.

“Is Jin short for something?” you asked, feeling dumb as the words left your lips.

“My full name is Kim Seokjin, well it’s Seokjin Kim here.” he corrected, “But I go by Jin since it’s easier for everyone,” he chuckled softly at your dumbfounded expression.

“O-oh, that’s cool.” you stuttered out, “So… that’s korean?” you questioned. That’s right, you encouraged yourself, keep the ball rolling.

He nodded affirmatively, “I was born there.” he stated.

“Oh that’s cool! Why are you all the way over here, then?” you asked.

“My parents have been out here a couple years now, they’re getting older, figured I should come live around here and take care of them. I saw an ad online for a sous chef position so I figured I would apply.”

“Well… that’s nice of you.. I’m uh- glad you’re here.” you said, and smiled what you hoped was a nice smile, and not too awkward.

He snickered and shook his head, “Well thanks!” he said and started to walk back to the kitchen. You were about to follow him when you heard an annoying sing-song voice behind you.

“Hello~~~!! You must be Jin!!”

‘There goes Elaina,’ you thought as her sickly sweet smelling perfume hit your nose as she walked past you. She went up and tapped the large man's shoulder, grinning as she confidently introduced herself.

You sighed and walked away to the counter in the middle of the restaurant, leaning your head dejectedly on your arm. You would give anything to have more time to talk with him… but with all the other girls it would probably be impossible. He certainly wouldn’t pay you much attention once he got a look at all the other damsels that worked here… Even with your lack of hope though, your eyes travelled to your hand where you could still feel the warmth of his wrapped around yours. It couldn’t hurt to dream…

~~~~

The dinner rush was in full swing, you were juggling six tables, the kitchen was backed up with orders, and the restaurant was packed with people, conversations echoing off the walls as the printer at the bar went off almost nonstop. The bartender was cranking out drinks for the servers like crazy.

“Excuse me ma’am, how much longer on my order!” One of your particularly annoying tables called, snapping her fingers at you as you were rushing by with dirty plates to take to the back.

“Not much longer, miss.” you replied hastily and offered an apologetic smile.

“Can you check? Did you even put it in?”

“Of course I can! So sorry, miss!” you said and smiled before turning away, your expression dropping immediately. What did she think you were doing carrying all these dirty plates? Of course you would check if you were going in the kitchen, that was literally just common sense.

You came back into the kitchen, briskly kicking the door open and setting the plates down before striding down to the ticket line where the expo was plating whatever food he could and shouting at the cooks for more fries.

Jin was sauteeing something and the other two cooks were hard at work on the grill, fryers, and salad station. Jin’s expertise was obvious, even in a new environment he was shining.

“Hey how long on this ticket,” you muttered to the expo. You wished you could stare at Jin all night long, but you had customers to please, and besides you had already given up on your fantasies about him. The most your relationship would amount to would be casual friendship, if even that.

Yours was actually second in the line and as the expo looked it over, he realized only one thing was missing and it was actually on Jin’s side.

“Hey Jin, do you have the tostadas coming?” He called.

“Tostadas?” Jin called back, looking up in confusion at the expo, his brow was furrowed and sweat was dripping down his temples. Fuck. How could you focus on anything with him being THAT fine. Some of the other servers had come in to pine over the line and agonize over how hot the new chef was.

Yet even his hotness couldn’t distract as he said, “I don’t have a ticket for that.” and turned around flippantly.

“What do you mean?” The expo called, grabbing the ticket and pushing it across the shelf for Jin, who turned around to take it, looking it over intently.

“I made that already.” he argued, and pushed the ticket back at the expo, again turning away to continue his sautee job. You could feel your blood beginning to boil, and there was the fatal flaw. He might be a good cook, but he had a shitty attitude.

“Well we don’t have it!” You interrupted loudly, “I need tostadas ASAP!”

“Are you the expo?” He asked calmly, cocking an eyebrow at you. Ugh, he was so hot even being as big of a dick as he was being.

‘Don’t get sidetracked, you have a job to do,’ you thought to yourself.

“No, but who cares? Make me my tostadas!”

Jin rolled his eyes and pointedly turned away as the expo finished the first order and called out tiredly, “Jin can you please make me an order for tostadas ASAP?”

“Of course I can,” he said and glared at you before turning back around to continue.

“Glad to know we have another asshole cook on the team!” You called childishly, making the other waitresses gasp. You went back out on the floor without a care to go deal with the rest of your tables, and reassure your woman that her food was in fact coming up. This wasn’t going to be fun.

~~~~

The night had finally slowed to a stop and you were getting ready to leave for the evening, printing your reports and organizing all of your checks at a table. As you were sitting you heard a voice coming from around the wall between the booth and the server station, and paused at the sound of your name.

“She’s always like that, you’re not an asshole.” Elaina was saying, her voice that annoying, honey sweet tone she took with men she was trying to impress.

“I won’t let any servers walk all over me,” Jin was heard saying, sounding nonchalant.

“Oh of course not!! You shouldn’t!! She’s a bitch because she’s jealous. She has always been the le-”

“Sorry, but I’m not here to gossip or talk crap. Thank you for the encouragement though,” Jin could be heard cutting her off, before you heard the door to the kitchen creak open as he walked away from her. You sighed and rolled your eyes, at least Elaina’s plan to use you as a tool to get with him didn’t work.

You were certainly bitchy earlier, that you would admit, but he didn’t help the situation either acting the way he did. You finished doing your report and slid out of the booth tiredly, it didn’t matter, tomorrow was another day…

~~~~

Situations like the one that night seemed to happen all too frequently between you and Jin despite your best efforts. You really didn’t want to fight with him, he was unbearably attractive, smart, a good cook, and his voice was like silk, yet every night seemed to be a new battle.

First it was french fries taking too long, next it was the steak being overcooked, and the next it was an item rang in wrong, it was all trivial but it just seemed to add up. Everyday you saw him it became more and more tense between you two, you hated it, because despite all of that you were crushing on him. Not only was he hot, but he could be incredibly sweet at times. Plus he was so cute, and his jokes were hilarious. He never told them to you, but every time you heard them you couldn’t help but giggle at the stupidity of them.

Your work day was starting off shitty, as was normal. Jin hadn’t said hello to you when you came in, two servers called off, and the restaurant was in shambles when you arrived. Not to mention it was eighty-five degrees outside, you hadn’t slept well, and you had had a large fight with your parents before leaving for work.

It was a dumb fight,just more nagging from them about your life. It seemed like nothing you did was good enough. You were trying your best... At times you just felt like you were fighting an uphill battle. Today you had no energy to fight with Jin, and you certainly weren’t prepared for the dinner rush.

It was the wing bar that night. The crowd came in a tidal wave of people, more than you or any of your coworkers had expected or been prepared for and within the first hour you were so swamped you didn’t know what to do. You simply couldn’t keep up with everything that was happening.

Food, checks, orders, tables, greeting, running, pre-bussing, it was all too much for you, especially with the heat and the tiredness. Food was coming out at a decent rate thankfully, but one table just simply could not be satisfied.

You were feeling worse and worse as the time ticked by, and had no fight left in you to deal with difficult entitled customers, but duty called.

“Ma’am, ma’am come here!” You heard and couldn’t help but sigh at the familiar obnoxious voice. You knew this table would be a problem when they had first complained about the bugs outside, and then returned a drink because it ‘definitely wasn’t made right’, what could it possibly be now?

You turned around hesitantly and put on your best invested, and apologetic smile, their food had been dropped by the runner probably a couple minutes ago now, all mostly wings.

“What can I do for you?” You asked, faking sweetness while inside you were cursing at this nasty woman and her teenagers.

“I don’t know what kind of restaurant this is, but the food and the service here is just unacceptable.”

“I’m… sorry?” You said, unable to hide how taken aback you were. What was she even talking about?

“First of all, this is cold!” she pushed her ribs away in disgust, “These wings are cold, everything is COLD! Second, this place is filthy and obviously not being run properly. Look at you! You can’t seem to get it together for the life of you, and you should take something for all that sweating you’re doing. This has been horrendous!!” She exclaimed again and leaned back with a huff, arms crossing over her chest.

You weren’t sure what to say. Usually, you would offer to have the food remade but it didn’t feel worth it to you. You could feel your eyes growing hot and your hands were balling up, “I’m so sorry. I’ll go get my manager.” You said and walked away briskly, even as she shouted for you to come back. A few of your other tables looked at you sympathetically as you went inside and beelined to the kitchen, feeling frustration as your tears spilled over freely as soon as the door opened.

“M-Miles!” You stuttered out meekly at your manager who was currently helping expo, he immediately looked up hearing your weak voice, eyes widening.

“Y/n, what happened?”

“M-my table is r-really upset right now and I- I think you should go talk to them,” you said, barely managing to get out your words as you felt tiny sobs going through you. You were so tired of everything right now. It was one thing to have a table yell about food, but to also insult you in front of your face was painful and humiliating.

“About what? Which table?” he prodded, rubbing your arm in an attempt to comfort you.

“Table eighty three,” you sniffled, “She said that, that the food was cold and that I was terrible and yeah… just please go out there.”

“Okay, okay, just take a breather, drink some water.” He said and quickly stepped out to go and talk with the furious table.

You groaned and wiped at your face, feeling your embarrassment only growing as Jin came from behind the line with a water bottle, “Come here,” he ordered and placed a hand on the small of your back while handing you the water bottle and leading you to the walk in cooler.

You didn’t even have enough sense to question why he was being nice to you, your head was pounding and you were overly aware of how hot and wet you were. Not to mention you were pretty much sobbing right now, despite your best efforts to hold it together.

“Drink the water,” He said calmly as he opened the cooler and led you inside, the feeling of cold air against your body was an intense relief, it helped you physically, but you were still reeling over everything. Even now you felt like you needed to run and take care of all of the tables you weren’t at right now. The rush was close to done but it was still upon you.

You did as you were told though, breaking the seal and sipping from it. As soon as the cool liquid touched your lips you realized how thirsty you were and drank from it messily, closing your eyes and leaning your head back, hearing the bottle crinkle up as you took in every last drop of it before your hand fell to your side. You used your free hand to wipe at your face, taking deep breaths to calm yourself.

“Better?” Jin asked, leaning against one of the shelves with an almost amused expression.

You had forgotten he was standing there watching you and your eyes flitted away from his face just as soon as they had gone there. You nodded quietly, chewing your lip, trying to calm your racing heart. It was amazing what the cold and water could do for you, you thought.

“You need to take better care of yourself,” he chastised, moving closer and rather suddenly reaching out and cupping your cheek with the palm of his hand. You looked up, dumbfounded. One hand subconsciously came up to touch his arm while your hand holding the water bottle crinkled it loudly. “You’re obviously having a hard time, and you aren’t drinking enough water… no matter how busy it is you come first.”

You nodded quietly, still unsure of what to do about his hand.

“I didn’t bother you today right?” he asked, leaning ever so slightly closer, you could make out the flecks of gold in his brown eyes at this angle, and his skin was flawless.

“N-no,” you squeaked out.

“I notice a lot more than you think I do…” he said, and you bit your lip feeling his hand fall carelessly against your side, fitting against you almost too well. You felt a tingle in your breasts, and just knew that if you were to look now both nipples would be hard and pressing against your bra. You were grateful you wore a padded one today.

“L-like what?”

“I knew you were upset as soon as you walked in.”

“Oh…?”

He brought his thumb gently across your lips, “These pretty lips were frowning, and those eyes barely even looked at me…” he whispered. You could clearly hear your heart pounding in your ears. What was happening right now?

“You were much too quiet… if you ever have any problems I’m always willing to help you out.”

You gasped as he tilted your head up to look into his eyes, “Do you got that?”

You nodded dumbly, biting the inside of your lip as your eyes moved down to his plush lips, appreciating the smoothness of his face. You really wanted to reach up to touch it, maybe it wouldn’t hu-

“Chef!”

The two of you jumped apart and you immediately turned and grabbed your forehead, acting miserable.

“Yes?” He asked. His voice was icy as he turned around to face Elaina, who was standing in the doorway looking slightly confused and frazzled.

“Sorry to interrupt… They need you back on the line. The others can’t keep up.” She said.

He nodded and looked back at you, “You all right?”

You nodded quickly, not feeling confident enough to speak.

“Come out when you’re ready.” He said and walked out, shutting the cooler behind him.

You let out a soft gasp of air that you hadn’t realized you had been holding, your whole body zinging with energy… if he could make you feel this way with such a simple touch, imagine how he could make you feel…

You shook your head quickly, ridding yourself of those thoughts. He was just being nice, that was it. It was never going to happen.

You spent a couple more minutes inside, calming down before you finally stepped out to finish the evening off right.

~~~~

A couple days later, and you were still thinking about that night in the cooler. You replayed it in your head multiple times during the day. Whenever you masturbated you thought heavily of him inside you, of his eyes boring into yours, of his honey sweet voice in your ear whispering your name.

You thought about Jin for at least seventy five percent of your days, even when you were off all you could think of was him.

“Y/N, you have a table at thirty three.”

You immediately snapped out of your thoughts and looked up at the host before leaving the kitchen to get the table started. It was slow today, besides Jin there was one other cook working. It was supposed to be an easy table- that was until they complained about the menu, and then basically tried to modify something into a completely new thing. You did your best to be polite and said you would ask the chef about accommodating them. You walked in nervously, and called out, “Hey, Jin?”

“Yes?” He asked, looking up from the sandwich he was cutting in half.

You shyly listed off the modifications, and he stared at you with an annoyed expression, cocking an eyebrow as you finished, “Are you actually serious?”

You nodded slowly. His attitude was getting you angry already.

“Well, first of all we don’t have cucumbers, you know that. Second, we don’t have seasoning to blacken a fucking salmon, you also know that. Third, I can’t even respond to the rest because it’s honestly not worth my time. Use your brain,” He said flippantly.

How was he the same person as the one in the cooler that time?

What was his problem?

“Are you done now?” You asked, immediately catching an attitude. Just because he was hot didn’t mean he could talk to you like that.

“Excuse me?” He asked, looking up through his gorgeous lashes dangerously.

“Are you done being a dick? I’m just doing my job, which is to satisfy my customers. Your job is to answer my questions, not give me snobby replies and act like a prick.”

“My job is to cook food, not cater to your needs. Quit wasting my time, and go take care of your idiot table.” he ordered.

“Will you make my order?”

“Is it going to have stupid modifications that I can’t fulfill, if so, then no. If you’re going to keep being a bitch then I also won’t be making your order. Quit wasting your time.”

You huffed angrily, and the two of you began going back and forth insulting each other, growing louder and louder until your manager came in to calm the situation and split you guys up. You huffed angrily, cheeks red, and practically ran from the kitchen to ring in your ridiculous and ‘stupid’ order. Now you didn’t care if they couldn’t do it. They would do it.

~~~~~

The rest of the evening after the fight was tense, and you were grateful that when you left Jin was nowhere to be seen. In the end, they had made the order almost perfectly, and the table left happily so you supposed that was all that mattered.

You couldn’t stop thinking about the fight though, you had both said some pretty bad things. You wondered if you guys could ever really get along.

You were walking quietly down the empty employee halls heading to the clock out, it was late since you had got stuck doing extra side work, so everyone had mostly gone home for the night.

You were mid sigh when you felt a large hand clasp over your mouth while a strong arm snaked around your waist and pulled you into one of the side boiler rooms, causing a muffled shriek to leave your lips as the person kicked the door open and you heard a familiar silky voice say, “Shh, behave.”

You froze and blinked, looking around the low lit and frankly dirty room. There were a couple machines running that were always on, running the building, resonating with a persistent hum.

You struggled violently to get out of Jin’s strong grip but he only held tighter, fingers digging into the soft flesh of your arm, hand firmly over your mouth until you finally gave up with an indignant groan. You knew it was Jin, but that was it. Your stomach was churning with anxiety and anticipation as he held you tightly in his grasp against his hot body. Your head at his chest.

“Are you done?” he whispered coolly against your ear, his tone slightly mocking.

You shuddered and nodded.

“I’m gonna move my hand, if you scream you’ll really be sorry.” he threatened.

Did you have a reason to scream? You wondered.

Sure Jin was being strange, but there was nothing to be worried about… right?

As his hand slid away you quickly asked, “What are you doing?”

He was silent for a while, wrapping his now free arm tightly around you in an iron like bind. Both of his arms were pressing against your chest, and you could feel your heart racing against your rib cage the longer he stood silently holding you.

“You were very bad today…” he whispered softly, and as he did his teeth caught hold of the tip of your ear, causing you to gasp and jerk your head away.

“I-I’m sorry?” you whimpered.

“You just keep fighting with me.” he whispered, his voice filled with emotion you couldn’t understand.

“You keep fighting with me,” You replied, chewing your bottom lip. This position wasn’t one you expected to be in with Jin ever, especially after tonight, but here you were, standing caged in his arms against his strong chest.

He dropped his head on your shoulder, and his warm breath tickled your neck, causing goosebumps to rise up along your skin, “I want you so bad,” He whispered against you, placing a kiss against your neck.

Before you could think you were replying, “I want you too,” the words spilled out much too naturally. You felt anticipation shoot through you as he chuckled against your neck, beginning to litter kisses along your hot skin.

You tilted your head back to allow better access and then felt a zing of new fear go through you.

No. This was bad. This was very bad you needed to get away. You were literally at work, in a back hall where anyone could just walk in… Maybe had you been somewhere else this would be more appropriate?

“Are you insane?” You gasped, suddenly trying to jerk away again, pulling your head away from his lips.

“Are you?” He asked and pushed one of his arms down around your waist, driving your ass back into his center where you could feel his rising excitement. This couldn't be happening. His other hand easily found purchase on your breasts, groping you over your shirt and bra. You moaned out involuntarily at the friction and then bit your lip to try and quiet yourself.

Were you dreaming?

“That’s right you fucking whore… this is what you wanted all along hm?”

“W-what are you talking about?” you panted. It was embarrassing how you felt right now. You wanted to get away, you wanted to get out right now, but you couldn’t bring yourself to struggle… your body would never forgive you for wasting this chance.

“Do you like to tease me?” he asked, and the hand that had been on your breast suddenly was wrapping around your throat as he pushed your head up and back against his shoulder, causing you to squeak as his eyes met yours.

Oh fuck.

You tried to shake your head, but you were totally incompacitated with his hand wrapped around you like this. The hand around your waist slithered up and he began quickly undoing the buttons on your uniform.

You weakly began to struggle, suddenly feeling anxiety shoot through you. You had just finished working, what if you were gross? A sick part of you wanted this, craved it, but the rational part of you was screaming at you to get out of there.

His hand eased on your throat only slightly and you gasped for air, causing him to laugh cruelly before he released your throat and turned you around to face him, his eyes were filled with desire and lust. It caught you so off guard you didn’t even have time to react before he was forcing you against the wall.

“I know you want me.” he said softly, strong arms caging you in on either side.

“I- I don’t know what you’re t-”

He cut you off by aggressively pressing his lips against yours, one hand grabbing your chin while the other began kneading your breast again, making you gasp and moan as his warm lips moved against yours. At first you tried to pull away, to stop the kiss, but his mouth felt so soft and his touch felt so good you couldn’t help yourself. Your eyes fluttered closed and one hand came up to grab the arm that was raised against your cheek.

A part of you knew this was wrong, and you knew that a normal person would be afraid of this large man, but you weren’t. You were completely overpowered with lust that had been stewing ever since he had walked through those doors.

Who cared if someone walked in? A part of you wished someone would.

Who cared if you weren’t in pristine condition? He clearly didn’t.

His hands found your legs and you let out a shocked squeak as he lifted you, forcing you to wrap your legs around his waist while your back leaned against the wall. Your arms quickly wrapped around his neck as well and he smiled down at your shocked expression.

“I’ve wanted you for so long,” he breathed as his nimble fingers took up unbuttoning your shirt again.

“M-me too,” you stuttered earnestly, already a desperate and needy mess, especially with the slight pressure of him against your core.

“Really,” he said, his voice lowering and one of his eyebrows cocking up in an enthused expression.

You were about to reply, but his hands were suddenly cupping your bra clad chest, squeezing slightly. You moaned embarrassingly, throwing your head back against the wall as he teased you.

“This is pretty,” He commented, his finger trailing down the outside of your lacy bra.

“Th-thanks,” You stuttered.

“Did you wear it hoping I might see it?” He asked, his hands cupping your breasts again as his dark eyes met yours in the halflight.

You remembered all the times you put on your work outfit you would wonder if Jin would like it. You had wondered if his hands would ever move to unclasp your bra and do all the things you could only fantasize about.

You nodded slightly and he smirked, before his hands were coming behind your back and skillfully unclasping the bra. A part of you wondered how many times he had done this before tonight, but you didn’t really care. He was yours for the night, so what did it matter?

As your bra was loosened he easily slid his hands under it to grope you much easier, his large hands cupping them. You pushed your head against the wall, biting your lip to stifle the moans that were bubbling at your lips. His fingers skillfully found your already hard nipples, running back and forth over them. With each touch of his hand arousal shot through your core.

“J-Jin,” you whimpered as he rolled your sensitive buds between his fingers.

“Yes my dear,” he asked, eyes boring into you.

“W-what if someone sees?” You asked, your breath was coming out faster as he began to play more roughly with your nipples, occasionally groping your chest insistently.

“Hmm… then I guess they’ll know how much of a slut you actually are behind that bitchy exterior,” he said. You huffed as he was suddenly attacking your neck again, trailing to bite your shoulder and collarbone, irritably pushing the fabric of your button up aside.

“F-fuck,” you whispered, shuddering as he began sucking on a spot just below your collarbone, hands still working gracefully on your chest. You could feel the growing wetness of your panties, and you were becoming needy. Unfortunately, Jin had no intentions of rushing the time he had with you, taking his time leaving an array of bruises just below your collarbones, hands still groping your chest.

His mouth finally found yours and as you kissed he helped you get your shirt off the rest of the way, and then gently lowered your feet to the ground to remove your bra as well. You kissed him back feverishly as his hands found your hips, holding them within his massive hand as your mouth opened with his, deepening the already sloppy kiss.

One of his hands went back to your breast, flicking over your nipple and making you squeak against his lips. He chuckled and pulled away, licking his lips as he looked at you standing topless before him.

You felt suddenly exposed but you couldn’t think too much as he was suddenly bringing his head down and gripping one of your breasts, guiding his hot mouth to your nipple. You gasped and shuddered at the feeling of his wet tongue against you, practically lying against the wall as he worked his magic on you, teasing your body cruelly.

You let out a startled gasp as he suddenly slapped your ass hard, the sound echoing in the dark room. He continued to squeeze and grope your ass while his mouth trailed from one breast to the other before reconnecting feverishly with your mouth. His fingers finally began to work at undoing your jeans and you lifted your arms again to wrap around his neck as you made out, to distract you as his hand wasted no time in dipping into your pants.

You moaned loudly and dropped your head against his shoulder to muffle the sound as his fingers dragged along your wet panties, finding your clit easily and beginning to move his middle finger in slow circles.

“You’re practically dripping,” he teased, and you let out a low whine as his finger continued to rub your sensitive bud through your panties. Your stomach was twisting and turning with anticipation, and all you wanted was to feel him inside of you already.

“Hurry up and fuck me!” You gasped as his finger pressed harder against you.

“Someone’s impatient,” He laughed, but made no move to do what you had told him. You reached out boldly and began rubbing over the bulge of his cock in his jeans, moving your own hand in slow circles as he did the same to you.

He didn’t stop you, but he did finally dip his hands beneath your panties, splitting the folds of your dripping cunt with his fingers and making your body shudder hard at the feeling. You kept rubbing his cock, but you were forced to stop as you felt a finger slip into your core, causing you to cry out loudly.

As you pulled back your head he pushed you back against the wall hard and reconnected his lips with yours to quiet you. As he began fingering you, his fingers brushed against your g-spot, drawing out mewls of arousal from your lips. You couldn’t even focus on the kiss, your entire being was focused on his fingers slipping in and out of your core.

You blushed hearing the squelching sounds of your wetness as he began fingering you.

“Let’s get these off of you shall we?” He suggested, and you whined as he pushed your jeans and panties down with ease, as soon as they hit the ground his fingers were dragging back against you, making you shudder and cry out.

“Jin!” you moaned as he suddenly was pushing his fingers inside of you again quickly, wasting no time in beginning to pound in and out of you expertly.

“You’d better quiet down before someone hears you princess,” he whispered darkly, not bothering to slow his pace.

You bit down hard on your lip, your hands reaching out to ground yourself on his shoulders, fingers digging into them as your mouth twisted in pleasure and embarrassment. The sound of your wetness was new even to you. Jin suddenly stopped and you whined out loudly, causing him to laugh softly.

“Sit down over here,” he ordered, and pointed to a chair conveniently placed in the corner of the room, probably left there to be thrown away, but instead forgotten.

“W-what if it’s dirty,” you whimpered.

He smiled softly down at you. You had been reduced to nothing more than his toy at this moment, standing naked in front of him, completely at his mercy. You had to say though, you definitely didn’t mind.

He slowly undid his chef’s coat, sliding it off to reveal a tight black tee shirt beneath it and slowly went to the chair, laying it over the bottom of it. In the half light you could see the definition of his muscles and as he turned around you were wrapping your arms around his neck to sloppily kiss him again while his hands wrapped around your waist, kissing you back just as hard as your hands glided to his chest.

He was just as muscular as you had expected.

“Take off your shirt,” you gasped.

He chuckled and pulled away, slowly grabbing the edges of it and sliding it over his head, revealing his toned abs and strong shoulders.

“Holy shit,” you whimpered, your hands coming to touch his pectoral muscles and running down his body, enjoying the ridges of his abs against your fingertips, stopping at his waist band.

“That’s enough now,” he cooed, “Sit down,” he ordered, pushing you slightly towards the chair.

“But what if-”

“Sit. Down.” His voice took on a more authoritative tone and your stomach twisted.

“O-okay,”

“It’s not okay. It’s, ‘Yes, Chef.’” he ordered.

“Y-yes Chef,” you stuttered, sitting down in the chair slowly.

You bit your lip as Jin dropped to his knees in front of you, looking down at him through anxious eyes. You had no idea what he was planning, or what he wanted.

“Spread your legs,” he ordered and you took a deep breath. You hadn’t expected to be this exposed to him at all. His eyes were boring into you hungrily, and you felt anticipation knotting up your stomach as you slowly spread apart your legs, revealing your wet core to him.

You flinched as he let out a shaking breath, “You’re so fucking hot,” he said, “Such a pretty little whore,”

You looked down at him as you felt his fingers coming up to caress your outer thighs, his fingers trailing over your knees and down your calves. Every touch from his nimble fingers was electric. Yet his hands wouldn’t go near your core, and you were growing desperate.

“T-touch me,” you whimpered.

“Hmm,” he sighed softly, and his fingers went higher up your thighs, “Show me how you want me to touch you,” He breathed and you felt a zing of anxious excitement shoot through you. You had never done something so lewd in front of another person, and you weren’t sure if you could.

“W-what do you mean?” You stalled.

“Take your hand,” he ordered, grabbing your wrist and guiding it to your dripping cunt, “And play with yourself while I watch. Show me how you like it.”

You bit your lip, looking down at him through your lashes, he stared up at you lustfully, his eyes sliding down your body to focus on your center.

You closed your eyes, and leaned back against the chair, your fingers sliding slowly between your folds and running over your clit. You brought up your other hand to gently begin playing with your nipple, sliding your finger back and forth as the one between your legs rubbed up and down against your clit, gliding between the folds.

You shuddered feeling his hot breath against your hand, and you chanced a glance to see he had drawn closer, focusing on your hand as it moved.

You slowly drew your finger down to your own entrance, pushing your finger against the entrance, little moans sliding out of your lips as you began to push a finger in, making Jin moan as well as he watched.

“You really are such a little slut,” he teased, and you mewled as you felt two of his fingers against you, beginning to push apart your folds further, examining your most private area with predatory eyes, “Just imagine if someone came in right now,” he whispered, his hot breath brushing against you as your finger pushed in further.

His talk was making you more excited and more desperate, you wished someone would come in and see this right now.

“Imagine the look on their face when they see you sitting here, touching your pretty little cunt for me.”

The thought alone was making you more worked up, “Chef,” you whimpered, plunging your fingers faster in and out of yourself, sweat was beading on your forehead and beginning to sheen over your body as you became more and more aroused.

“Yes princess,” He crooned, his fingers sliding up either side of your core, making you more crazy and desperate.

“Mmmm,” you couldn’t even speak as one of his fingers ghosted against your clit as you continued to touch yourself, finger flicking more insistently over your nipple, sending shocks of pleasure through you with each stroke.

“Such a good little whore, all for me,” he praised, beginning to rub your clit in slow circles, making you keen softly, biting your lip hard to try and stop the noises that were begging to spew from your lips.

You were drawing close, your thighs beginning to tremble as you attempted to spread your legs further for him, your hand reaching up to your own throat, squeezing the sides in desperation.

“Choking hm,” he whispered, and you whined as you heard him stand. His hands wrapped around both of your wrists, stopping you from bringing yourself to orgasm.

“L-let go,” you begged, attempting to push your fingers back inside but he pulled them out instead, laying your hand on your thigh while he took the hand around your throat and also set that on your thigh.

“I bet I can make you cum twice as hard as you can yourself,” he whispered against your ear, pressing a kiss against your temple. You felt his hands slip down against your core before pushing inside of you once again, this time with a vengeance.

“Oh fuck,” you gasped, and he quickly pressed his lips against yours to stifle you as he began to curl his fingers expertly inside of you. He rubbed that sensitive area with vigor, slowly picking up the pace as his other hand gripped gently on your throat. He was doing everything perfectly, and your body and mind were in ecstasy.

Your hands lifted to grip the offending arm desperately, fingernails digging into his firm arm.

“That’s right, come on Y/N,” He breathed against you, bringing you closer to the edge. You gasped and shuddered as an orgasm was suddenly upon you, causing you to lurch forward against Jin’s shoulder, clawing at his bicep as he carried you through the orgasm, pounding into you hard and fast.

He pulled quickly out of you, giving you a moment to come down, “Ready for another round?” He asked, and you pulled away in shock before he was suddenly rubbing your clit hard and fast, causing you to gasp as the pleasure changed to slight pain as overstimulation set in.

“S-stop… n-no,” You whimpered, your body already beginning to tremble. You were already exhausted from the first one, and you could feel the pressure building up twice as much.

Soon you were too far gone as he was pounding into you once again, sweat dripping down his chest and arms as he pounded in and out of you vigorously, his head against your wet neck.

“I’m-i’m gonna… oh please,” you mewled and your eyes clenched so tight that you saw white. Your body convulsed hard beneath his finger and his hand came over your mouth as your moans grew loud and intense, liquid spewed lewdly from out of you as you came.

He watched with pride as you squirted, body writhing as your wetness covered his hand.

As soon as you finished you felt intense humiliation racing through your veins, and as he went to pull away you grabbed a hold of him tightly, trembling still, your legs clamping closed. You felt like you might cry as you breathed against his chest.

“Good job princess,” he whispered, gently rubbing your thighs and sides before one of his hands was going to rub your back.

“I’m s-sorry,” you squeaked.

“Hm?” He asked, pulling away from you. His strong brows furrowed at your anxious expression.

“I didn’t m-mean to,” you whimpered, looking away from him, your hands holding tightly to his wet arm.

“Oh princess, you were amazing,” he praised, his voice taking on a comforting and almost sweet tone as he kissed your face.

You blushed brightly, taking deep breaths to calm down. You were still embarrassed, but as Jin’s hands ran up and down your sides soothingly, whispering praise against your ear, you slowly relaxed, and your body began begging once again for his cock.

“Will you fuck me now?” You whispered, looking up at him.

“I’m going to make you see stars,” he growled and you gasped as he was yanking you up from the chair and kissing you hard, his tongue invading your mouth feverishly.

You melted into the kiss, and your hands travelled down his well muscled torso to his black jeans. You were quick to undo his pants for him, pushing down the waistband eagerly, while still trying to maintain the kiss.

He separated from your mouth for a moment to pull down his pants, and then his boxers, revealing his hard length.

You gasped seeing how big he actually was, a zap of fear going through you as you wondered if you would be able to take him all. Your hands went to his cock, and you began jerking him off. Rubbing up and down on his hard length. He lifted his hands to your face, tangling his fingers in your hair as he kissed you hard, grunting occasionally as you went.

His mouth eventually left yours to attack the side of your neck, his hands sliding down your body and groping your ass. You were eager to feel him inside of you, just the thought alone making you wetter.

You whimpered as he smacked your ass quite hard and he pulled away from you, “Against the wall,” he ordered suddenly. You looked down and realized the precum beading at the tip of his hard cock.

You felt a flash of excitement and pride, “Yes, Chef,” you said, pulling away and going against the wall.

You heard him bend down and the rip of a package as he slipped on a condom. It was a good thing he thought to do so, because your mind was far from worrying about anything other than having him fill you.

You heard him coming back over and you squeaked as he grabbed your hips, pulling you back. Your palms splayed against the wall and you spread your legs a bit for him as he slid his finger down the length of your spine before pausing and you squeaked as he slapped your ass once again.

“After all the trouble you give me, it’s so good hearing you whine like that,” he said softly, and you gasped as he spanked you again, “You wanted me to punish you didn’t you,” he teased.

“Y-yes Chef,” you said, and as he spanked you once more, you revelled in the sting of it, feeling the way your body reacted to him spanking you. After a few more tears were pricking the corner of your eyes and you were growing needy.

“Oh please fuck me!” You cried out.

He was quiet for a moment, but then you felt his fingers slipping between your lips, pushing your lips apart to give him easier access.

“Alright now princess, be good for me,” he whispered and you waited with bated breath as the head of his cock teased your entrance, he rubbed against your slit a few times, gathering your own wetness all over his cock before he began to push inside of you.

You moaned out and brought one hand to your mouth to stifle the sound as your walls spasmed around him. He was massive, stretching you as he slowly inserted himself deep inside of you. He let out little grunts of his own at the feeling of your body clenching around him.

“I’m in,” he said, leaning down to gently bite your shoulder, making you squeak at the feeling.

“F-fuck me,” you begged, “Just fuck me,”

“So needy,” he commented, before he began slowly sliding in and out of you, causing your muscles to spasm. You bit your lip, trying to stifle any of the sounds that were begging to be released.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he groaned, smacking your ass as he started getting into a rhythm, fucking into you at a steady pace, making you whine and shudder around him. This was more than you could have ever dreamed. With each thrust he would bury himself deep inside of you, head teasing your cervix, before pulling nearly all the way out and then snapping his hips back into you, causing you to cry out at the feeling.

“Are you my little whore?” He growled as he started to pick up the pace.

“Y-yes chef,” you whimpered, feeling your knees growing weak.

“Say it.” He ordered, and you let out a faltering gasp as he suddenly pulled you up, one arm wrapping around your waist to hold you while his other wrapped around your throat, pushing your head back against his chest.

“Ahh, I-I’m your little whore,” you breathed out, gasping as he was suddenly thrusting right into a sensitive area deep inside, with each snap of his hips your body would spasm.

Suddenly you both froze hearing voices coming from somewhere, and adrenaline zapped through your body. Oh fuck, what if they heard you, or worse what if they came in and saw.

He grabbed you tightly and forced you to turn with him to face the door, grabbing one of your breasts, his finger flicking cruelly over your nipple, “Do you think you can keep quiet,” he whispered against your ear, slipping his hand down your abdomen to slide a finger over your clit.

“A-aang,” you gasped, biting your tongue as he began to move his finger in slow circles, the voices were growing closer.

“They’d be so turned on to see you like this,” he whispered, “Totally at my mercy.” He growled, beginning to thrust slowly in and out again, pulling his hand away from your clit to hold you, one hand still wrapped around your throat. You felt tears pricking your eyes as you did your best to keep quiet, your stomach twisting with anxiety and your heart pounding so loud they could probably hear it out there.

He did everything in his power to torment you, fingers running between teasing your nipple and rubbing your clit. Whispering sweet nothings against your ear while occasionally biting your earlobe.

Finally you heard the door to the outside open and it was silent once more.

You let out a shaky sigh and he picked up the pace, his hand splaying across your abdomen. “Good girl,”

“Y-you’re insane,” you whined, and he laughed softly before beginning to fuck you harder, the sound of his skin slapping yours filling the room.

“You’re taking me so well,” he praised, “I can feel my cock hitting your walls,” he whispered in your ear, sending a shiver through your body.

He grabbed your hand, placing it under his against your abdomen. You gasped as he suddenly snapped his hips into you, and you felt the bulge against your hand, making you even more turned on.

“Can you feel it,”

“You’re so fucking big,” you whined as he suddenly started fucking you harder, almost bouncing you on his cock. His hand moved from yours to rub your clit, making you moan loudly. His hand on your throat was snapping over your mouth in an instant to quiet you as you were pushed into orgasm once more, muscles spasming around the large man’s monstrous cock, the feeling of him hitting into your hand was making you crazy.

As you finished he slipped out of you, and you nearly fell, your legs weak. He caught you easily and spun you around, pushing you up against the wall. His hands slipped under your thighs and he was lifting you before you knew it, forcing you to wrap your legs around his hips.

“I’m not done just yet baby,” he whispered. You whimpered, and sighed as he slid his cock back into easily.

“Hmmmm,” You sighed in contentment, your hands wrapping around his neck and tangling in his hair as you leaned forward to kiss him hard.

He didn't even need to lean you against the wall, wrapping his arms around you as he kissed you back just as hard, your walls spasming around his large cock. You felt so full it was blissful.

He finally pressed you back against the wall, and began to pound in and out of you, causing you to throw your head back against the wall as he fucked you.

He was going faster, sweat was dripping from both of you as you were getting closer to orgasm and Jin was right on the edge. He was beginning to spew curse words, his hands gripping your sides hard as he pounded into you. You were almost laying against the wall, if it wasn’t for his hands holding you up and your death grip around his neck you would fall.

“Such a good fucking whore,” He growled, and you gasped as he lifted a hand to grope your breast, flicking his finger over your nipple before you saw his abdomen spasm, his muscles clenching as he groaned out loudly himself. His hand going back, exposing his gorgeous neckline, face twisted in pleasure.

You moaned at the sight, and as the hand on your breast rubbed over your swollen, oversensitive clit you were coming as well, body spasming for the fourth time in orgasm as he held you tightly. As you both finished finally you pulled yourself up onto him, dropping your head against his shoulder and taking gasping breaths, your entire body exhausted.

You felt his cock slip out of you and he held you tightly, a hand going to your head, running his fingers through your hair, breathing just as deeply as you.

“How are you?” He asked.

“Tired,” you muttered, you weren’t sure yet if you could stand on your own.

“Think you’ll be able to drive home?” He asked, rubbing your back in slow circles.

You let out a soft sigh, “Ohhhh, fuck,” you groaned. You had completely forgotten about the thirty minute drive home, and already your body was so sore and tired. You wanted to sleep more than anything.

“You can stay the night with me,” he offered sweetly.

“Are you sure,” you muttered.

“Get dressed,” He ordered, helping you disentangle yourself from him and finding your clothes for you.

You struggled slightly getting yourself dressed. You would need to go to the bathroom asap, but you wondered if he would leave you behind if you did. Not that it would matter. Jin put on his clothes, folding up his chef's coat from the chair and folding it over his arm.

You looked at it and felt a dark blush cover your cheeks, “I’m sorry… about that.” you said, gesturing to the chef's coat.

Jin chuckled darkly, “It was sexy,” he said, shrugging and grinning from ear to ear.

You looked away shyly, “Th-thanks… and I- I’m sorry about today too. I was just frustrated and-” Jin came forward, placing a finger against your lips.

“Hush. We’re already past that… you made up for it… Besides it was more me than you that was being an asshole.” He admitted, and leaned forward to kiss your forehead.

“I really like you,” you blurted. Perhaps it was the exhaustion, or the fact this man had given you four of the best orgasms of your life, but you were suddenly ready to bare your soul to him.

You didn’t want this to be a one time thing… well maybe just once here. You didn’t want to go back to the strained relationship.

“Well I gathered that,” he said, rolling his eyes at you.

“I-I mean it… I…”

“Princess, we don’t need to talk about this right now.” He said, caressing your cheek, “We smell like sex and sweat, and we’re standing in a filthy back room at work… let’s go back to my place okay? We can take a shower and talk more,” he promised.

You nodded slowly, that sounded heavenly… but still.

“Th-that’s fine but, we won’t go back to how things were before right?… We aren’t gonna fight anymore?”

“I’m tired of pretending I like you less than I do,” he said, smiling sweetly at you before coming over to you.

He placed his arm around you and slowly opened the door, looking both ways before stepping out and taking you outside into the cold air. As soon as you got to his car and sat down in the passenger seat you were out like a light…

#bts smut #female reader #oneshot #kim seokjin #seokjin fanfic #kpop #kpop smut #kpop boys #seokjin smut #jin smut #bts jin #bts fanfction #bts #kpop fanfic #enemies to lovers #seokjin #bts fanfic #bangtan sonyeondan #debauchery #angst with a happy ending #bts angst #bts au fic #chef au

[ultimate-sidemen-imagines]

A Not So Happy Anniversary

Title: A Not So Happy Anniversary

Pairing: Reader/Harry

Word Count: 3,151

Warning: SMUT SMUT SMUT

Summary: You and Harry have a long distance relationship. When Harry messes up and misses your three year anniversary, you confront him face to face.

Author’s Note: Ladies and gents, it feels good to be back. My inbox is open to requests. Let me know what you think!

You were furious with him. 

Completely and utterly furious with him. 

He had done this to you a million times, you always had forgiven him and moved on. But this? This was definitely something you couldn’t let go.

Both you and Harry had been dating for three years now, not a moment did you regret the decision to date the famous "wroetoshaw" on YouTube. You would be the first one to admit that his fanbase and everything that came with being labeled as his girlfriend terrified you but Harry made it worth it. Thankfully, the both of you had managed to keep your relationship away from the public. Fans not in your personal lives eliminated any unnecessary stress you both didn’t need. You were happy, he was happy. You guys barely fought. But that was about to change tonight.

Harry lived in two places: Guernsey and London. He traveled back between the two constantly which always made you a little bit upset. You understood why he'd want to live in London, of course you did. When you had gone out there with him, even you struggled to leave London once your time was up. A mix of the city life and the fact most of Harry’s friends lived there - it was a no brainer. 

But being stranded in Guernsey while Harry was away in London had been the first major roadblock in your relationship. There would be long amounts of time that Harry would be in London, leaving you by yourself at home and missing your boyfriend. He'd always come back eventually and apologize in a shower of kisses. You couldn't help yourself but forgive him but this was too far now. 

You stormed off back inside your small little flat, flipping off any guys that whistled at you in your short, black mini-dress while doing so. You had decided to get dressed up since tonight was a pretty big deal - the three year milestone with Harry. Your anniversary was today, something that you had reminded Harry about for two weeks. He promised over and over again that he would be home on time for your anniversary and that he'd meet you at your favorite restaurant for a romantic meal. Long story short, you had been sitting at the table for two hours with no sign of Harry. He'd let you down. 

You burst through the front door of your flat, throwing your heels off to the floor and locking the door with both locks. At least that way, Harry couldn't get in if he got there in the morning. You sniffled, feeling yourself now start to get upset more than angry. How could he do this? He promised. You’d always forgiven him for being late to come home before but this just felt like a slap in the face. 

A second later, you were at the fridge - taking out a bottle of wine and taking a swig from it. You knew it was stupid to try and numb the pain with alcohol, it would only leave you feeling like shit in the morning. You shook your head and put the bottle away, deciding to just go to bed and forget about Harry until the morning. 

It was about half an hour later when you had finally gone to bed, wearing one of Harry’s t-shirts and sweats. You were scrolling through Twitter to see if Harry had written anything yet no tweets came up for today. You were a little concerned at that but once you remembered just why you were angry with them, any feelings of being concerned were out the window. You turned off your phone and placed it on your side table - not being able to avoid the framed photo of you and Harry sitting there. At the sight of it, you quickly turned off your lamp and went to sleep. 

-

"Y/N, Y/N. Baby, wake up." You felt yourself being shaken out of your dream, your name being repeated over and over again. Eventually, your dream of a happy anniversary slipped away and your eyes fluttered open. 

You saw a dark figure over you in the bed, causing you to scream out. The figure put his hand over your mouth, trying to reach over to turn on the light as you struggled against his hand. "Babe! Stop! It's me! Harry!" He exclaimed in a loud whisper, turning on the dim lamp light to reveal himself. 

You calmed down as soon as you realized it was him, shoving him off you and sitting up in the bed. "For fuck sake Harry, you can't just hover over me in pitch darkness at-" You looked over at the time. "2:30 in the fucking morning!" 

"How the hell did you get in here anyway? I locked the front door with both locks." You grumbled, crossing as arms as Harry raised an eyebrow

"Yeah, I noticed that. I had to climb up a floor outside and get in through your window." He motioned the open window before shooting you an amused look. "I told you that you needed to lock your windows." 

"And you need to take the hint when I don’t want you in the flat." You grumbled, before grabbing one of your pillows and throwing it at him. "Harold, leave. I don't want to fucking talk to you or even look at you right now." 

"C’mon babe, don’t be like that. I know you missed me." He joked, only making the situation worse in pure Harry style. How the hell could he be making jokes and not even acknowledge how badly he had messed up? You just glared at him, shoving him off the edge of your bed and laying back down. "Go to the couch - we’ll talk in the morning when you’re actually ready to have a serious conversation.”

"Baby, come on. I'm joking." He cooed as you just ignored him and tried to go back to sleep. Harry bit his lip and sat back on the bed again next to you, watching your body turn away from him. He took the peaceful moment to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear before running a finger down your arm softly. 

"Harry, I’ll seriously do something I’ll regret if you don’t get out and give me some space." You seethed, though Harry didn't budge. 

"Your threats don't make you scary, babe. You're like a hamster." He teased before he decided to get serious - he knew you'd really kick him out of the flat if he kept pulling jokes as such. "Look I'm sorry, okay?"��

"Sorry for what, Harry? Missing our anniversary, maybe? Maybe promising you'd be home yet you didn't come back on time. Really? I always let it go but you crossed a fucking line this time." You shot back at him. 

"My flight got delayed, okay?" Harry admitted in defeat. "The plane was having engine failure so we couldn't take off in time. I had to sit on that plane for ages, I only just landed an hour ago." He said, leaning down to kiss your shoulder. "I'm really sorry that I missed our dinner. I'll make it up to you, okay? Please don't be angry with me. It’s not my fault that Gatwick is proper shit." 

"No Harry, I will be angry at you." You said annoyed, still refusing to turn your body towards him. "Okay fair enough, your flight got pushed back far. But you could've come back to Guernsey days ago so you wouldn't miss our anniversary or maybe actually spend some time with me - but no. You're too busy partying it up in London with all your friends and all the girls that probably want to sleep with you the first chance they get. I know there’s gonna be one day where you just don’t come back to Guernsey for me and that’ll be the end of us." 

"Babe, where is all this coming from? You know when we started dating that I said I’d be travelling back and forth." Harry frowned, knowing your anger was coming from something more than him missing dinner tonight. He hated to see you aggravated over this topic. Especially when all his friends knew just how much he loved you and how loyal he was. He knew that you weren’t exactly the biggest fan of the amount of female attention he received online. He understood that. But it did bother him seeing you truly believe that he’d never come back home to you one day. “What makes you think I’d ever do anything like that to you?”

"I’m just scared, Harry." You whispered back at him. "I'm very scared of what could happen while you're in London while I'm stuck here." You closed your eyes and tried to block everything out. Until you felt him turn you on your back. You opened your eyes slowly to look up at Harry hovering over you. You felt your heart skip a beat looking up at him in the dim light. Even when you were upset and mad with him, he still had the power to take your breath away. 

"You're mad, you know that? Absolutely crazy." Harry stated, leaning down to place a kiss on your forehead. "You think I'd get bored of you? Seriously? Take a look in the fucking mirror, Y/N." He teased you before he returned to neutral. “Whatever I’ve done to make you believe any of what you just said? I’m so sorry, babe. The last three years I’ve had with you have been the best of my life. I would never violate you like that.”

“You know I also work in London too - doing all the Sidemen shoots and videos. I’m building that brand more and more to make sure that I can always come home whenever I want. I’m doing it so that we can live comfortably, that I can take you on holidays and help you pay for this place while I’m away. Never once have I been in London and not missed you, Y/N. I know I’m definitely far from perfect but I won’t let you think that I don’t love you. Cause I do, so fucking much.”

He leaned down and placed kisses down the side of your face - pressing a quick peck on your lips before moving down to your neck. 

"I fucking hate you sometimes." You insulted, gasping when you felt him leave love bites on the certain spot on your neck that drove you crazy. You snaked a hand into his hair when he did so, feeling yourself wanting him more rather than wanting to punch him back to London. 

"I sincerely doubt that you hate me right now." He said in a cocky tone, pulling his head back to admire the hickies he had left on your neck and smirking down at you. 

"Shut the fuck up." You growled, grabbing his fistful of his jumper and pulling his face back down to yours. You slammed your lips back against his, the whole action coming from both anger at him missing your anniversary dinner and lust at the same time. You knew there was love in your actions as well but you were more focused on other things at hand. 

Harry did a pretty good job at keeping up with the pace of your lips against his, deepening it and taking the moment to nip at your bottom lip. You moaned softly at that before your hands were underneath his clothes, practically ripping them off him and throwing them off to the side. He did the same with you, the both of you continuing to keep your lips together almost like it was a form of life source. 

It wasn't long before the couple were now fully naked, Harry's body pressing against yours as you made out. Something about his skin pressed against yours always gave you a funny feeling in your stomach - such a warm and safe feeling. You knew that you loved this boy after three years of dating, you only hoped you'd be able to communicate that through this.

Harry pulled back after a while, leaning over to the bedside table to retrieve a condom while you placed kisses along his neck. You made sure to leave your own marks on his skin. He grabbed one quickly enough and groaned at your hickies, pulling himself off to you long enough to roll the condom onto himself. You felt your eyes gleam at the sight of your fit boyfriend in his most vulnerable state. You completely understood why she got so jealous of him being away from you - he was such a gorgeous boy. 

Your boyfriend was back on you a second later, continuing to make-out with you again as he settled himself between your legs. You wrapped your legs around his waist to keep him close, eventually both of you pulling away for air. There were no words uttered between the two, speaking with your eyes and facial expressions. The rough lust and anger had faded away now to a soft kindness and love that you felt whenever you were near Harry. You smiled at him as he returned the favor before pushing into you without another second wasted. 

"Oh!" You moaned, leaning your head back against the pillows as he did so. It had been awhile for you both, having been ages since he was last home. You had definitely missed this. "Harry," You breathed out as he let out a long sigh, getting used to the feeling of being back inside you before he started to set a pace. “Feel so good around me, baby. Fuck I missed you.”

"Harry," You moaned louder this time, going up in volume the faster he went. "Harder, baby." You urged him on, hearing a type of groan and growl leave from his lips. He buried his face into your neck as he continued to thrust faster, leaving more hickies on the other side of your neck. 

"Oh fuck yes." He grunted against your skin, his words only bringing back that fluttery feeling in your stomach. "My gorgeous girlfriend. Even when you’re angry at me, you’re still so fucking hot.” He whispered, lifting his head up from your neck to look at you in the eyes while he fucked you. “No-one can have you, you hear me? You're mine." He whispered, taking one of his hands to wrap around your neck. Not too tight but enough to send your mind spiraling.

"Oh fuck Harry!" You cried out at this, your hands going straight to his shoulders. You dug your fingernails into his skin, dragging them down his pale back as you struggled to get your words out. "You're mine, Lewis. You're mine and I'm yours." You choked out, gasping and moaning out a version of his name at every thrust.

"Damn right." He growled, eventually turning you both over so you were on top of him. He kept control despite the change in position, angling his hips up and holding your hips to keep you steady. He kept doing that for a while, just smirking at hearing the porn-worthy noises that came past your lips. That smirk wiped away however when he felt his thrusts starting to falter, Harry coming closer and closer to his orgasm just like you.

"Oh baby, I'm so close." You whispered, clutching onto him as she felt her high nearing. Harry only smirked at this, trying to go as fast as he could in that moment. He sat up from the mattress, keeping a hold on your hips. He kissed you, "Go on baby, come for me. I wanna hear you." He growled against your lips. That was your breaking point.

"Harry!" You practically screamed, reaching orgasm. It was incredible the types of orgasms Harry gave to you, they always left you speechless and shaking. You heard strangled groans of your name come from Harry, feeling him reach his orgasm too. You kept rocking your hips against his as you both worked each other through your orgasms - eventually stopping when Harry pulled out. He collapsed down onto the mattress, bringing you down with him and holding you against him.

You were left a panting mess, resting against Harry’s body and your head on his chest. All that could be heard was your and Harry's panting, both of your eyes closed to take in what just happened before Harry motioned you to look at him.

"You still mad at me?" Harry asked sweetly after a while, “I don’t know how you could be after that.”

"Oh shut up." You rolled your eyes playfully, enjoying his laughter before you pecked his lips.

"Still - I still think something needs to change, Harry." You admitted, gaining Harold's attention. "I mean... I... I love you, I do. And I want to be with you. But you’re in London constantly. I can’t even travel to see you that often because of university. If I’m just barely going to see you, I can't deal with that. I need a compromise." 

Harry thought about what you said for a moment, placing a small kiss to your forehead. "You're right. I will admit that I love London more than Guernsey but I love you more than anything." He admitted to you, nothing left but love filling his beautifully colored eyes of his. "So let's fix the problem. When you graduate from uni, come back to London with me."

"What?" You asked, confused. 

"Come back with me to London, move in with me and Cal. We never have to be apart that way." He cooed. "I can talk to the guys about letting me come back to Guernsey every couple weeks or so to see you more rather than what I have been doing until you finish school. But when you finish, I want you to move out to London to stay with me permanently. I want to have you there for everything. None of this long distance bullshit. Especially if it’s making you doubt me. I want you with me. To prove to you that you never had anything to be scared about.”

It was definitely a lot for you to take in, moving from your small little town to the big city of the UK. You were nervous about thinking of starting a life there but as you looked at Harry and saw that future involved him - it became a no brainer. 

"We'll talk about it properly in the morning, okay? For now, let’s get some sleep. Especially since you gotta make up for missing today." You said softly with a smile, pecking his lips before laying your head back on his chest. 

"So after the morning sex?" Harry teased, making you roll your eyes and hitting him with the nearest pillow as his laughter vibrated throughout the whole flat. 

Yep. London sounded pretty good.

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