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starsstuddedsky · 2 years

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Please Know My Feeling

reader x joshua

summary: bitter about your ex boyfriend moving on so quickly, you decide to ask your friend to be your fake boyfriend to prove that you could move on just as easily. but what happens when you can't tell the difference between what's fake and what's real?

genre: fluff, tiny bit of angst, university au, sports au, non idol au, fake dating

warnings: yn is the most oblivious person on the planet, mentions of injury, drinking, did i mention yn is an idiot?

wc: 12.1k

a/n: should i be doing hw instead of writing this series? dw about it and just read this.. thanks for all of the love so far, i really enjoyed writing this one (as you can tell from the fact that it's way too long). if ur a soccer player please forgive me. i tried. don't pay attention too much to the fact that twice are the teammates i just didn't want to make up names

title: Please Know My Feeling - Lee Solomon

masterlist

I saw Joshua across the quad. It was a terrible decision, really, but I was tired of thinking things through. It was why I was in this situation in the first place.

“Joshua!” I shouted, waving him down. He was walking with a couple people but waved them on.

“Yn,” he said with a smile.

“Hi,” I said, opening my arms to him and saying a silent prayer of thanks when he hugged me back without question.

“What’s going on?” He asked as I held on.

“Please tell me you’re single,” I said, peeking over his shoulder to see if anyone was looking.

“Yeah,” he said slowly. He took a step back, hands coming to rest under my elbows, brow furrowed. “Is everything okay?”

I chewed on my lip, wondering if I should just apologize and tell him it was just a dumb idea.

Then I saw them out of the corner of my eye, hands intertwined, laughing. I met Joshua’s eyes with renewed strength. “Can you be my boyfriend?”

Joshua’s frown deepened. “Yn, you just broke up.”

“Fake boyfriend, I mean,” I said. “Please?”

He stared at me for a long time, and I realized how insane I sounded. Joshua was hardly a stranger, in fact, he was one of the first friends I’d made. But asking him to be my fake boyfriend just because my ex had moved on after taking all of two days to process our breakup? Not something particularly mentally stable people did.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “That was really dumb, a really bad joke, I-”

“I’ll do it,” Joshua interrupted. I froze as he flashed a smile at me and picked up my hand. “I’ll be your fake boyfriend.” I must have looked as astonished as I felt because he laughed.

“Seriously? No ‘tell me why and I’ll think about it,’ or ‘pay me $2000 a month’ or any questions at all?”

He shrugged. “I know you, yn, you wouldn’t do this without good reason.”

I felt guilty immediately. Joshua trusted me so quickly and I was using it because my feelings were hurt. As if he was reading my thoughts, he squeezed my hand.

“I did think about it,” he said. “It’s not like it’s going to do anything bad to me. Actually, it’ll be great because Seungcheol and Jeonghan will probably stop making fun of me for not getting a date since freshman year.” He started walking, not letting go of my hand.

“You’re not going to tell them the truth?” I frowned.

“Yeah, but I’m going to take full advantage of having a fake partner first.” He smiled, an evil twinkle in his eye. “They talk a lot considering they’re both single.” We kept walking, hand in hand. It was strange at first; I kept expecting to see him but then he would bump my shoulder or tap his fingers and do something to remind me he was Joshua. Everything in my head was a mess, I couldn’t tell if it hurt more that it wasn’t him or that I didn’t want it to be him. All I knew was that holding Joshua’s hand was a comfort I didn’t expect but clung to.

We were walking in silence when he suddenly stopped, frowning at something in the distance for a moment before turning to me. “That’s why?”

I didn’t have to look to see what he saw. My ex-boyfriend, Nam-Il, hand in hand with his new partner. He at least had the decency to text me this morning and tell me he was dating someone else, but the fact that it was two days after we had broken up made it feel more like an insult than courtesy. Apparently two years with me was that easy to move on from. I thought knowing would make it easier, but seeing them on the quad a few minutes ago would have hurt less if I could have pretended they were just friends.

Now Joshua was looking at me with a frown I couldn’t decipher. He didn’t let go of my hand but his grip was looser as he stepped in front of me, blocking my view of the couple.

I could feel tears prickling my eyes, chewing on my lip to stop them from spilling over. Joshua took a step closer pulling my chin up gently.

“Is he looking?” He whispered softly, eyes not leaving mine.

I had to force my eyes to flicker away, though I found myself drawn back to them like a magnet, snapping back the moment I saw that he was in fact looking. I nodded, not trusting my voice.

“Can I kiss you?” I blinked, not sure if I had hallucinated or if he had really said that out loud. I didn’t move when he stepped closer, his lips so close I could feel his breath. He repeated the question.

I nodded, our noses brushing against one another. For a moment, neither of us moved, then he leaned forwards and closed the distance. I think he meant to just brush his lips against mine, but when I raised my hand to his neck and pulled him closer, he reacted instantly, and then I stopped thinking entirely. For just a moment, I forgot about Nam-Il.

I stepped back, swallowing hard before opening my eyes. Joshua was glancing behind him. When he turned back to face me he wore a satisfied smile.

“I think it worked,” he said. “He looked sufficiently stunned.”

My brain finally caught up, finally processing what had just happened. Joshua had kissed me. It wasn’t a bad kiss. And when I peaked over Joshua’s shoulder, I caught a glimpse of Nam-Il‘s frown. I grinned at Joshua.

He slipped his hand back into mine and we kept walking. I thought about peeking at Nam-Il and his new date but decided I had enough satisfaction for the day. I settled for the feeling of Joshua’s hand in mine, grounding me in the strange new reality I had created.

“You want to get lunch together?” Joshua asked.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’m meeting with a couple of my teammates to watch tape at noon.”

Joshua checked the time on his phone. “You do know that’s in five minutes, right?”

“Shit,” I said. Seeing Nam-Il had made my mind go blank for a moment, the pain too much. “I have to go.”

He squeezed my hand before letting it go.

“We’ll talk later!” I shouted as I jogged away, taking one last look at my new fake boyfriend. It wasn’t until I was inside that I realized I was smiling.

If I was being honest, my relationship with Nam-Il had been over for months. Even though he had been the one to say the words first, it was only a matter of time. I couldn’t really blame him for moving on quickly when our relationship had been over a long time ago. I just wished I knew if I was upset because I hadn’t moved on or because he didn’t even pretend to be upset over the end of our relationship.

“Yn,” Chaeyoung, my teammate, whispered in my ear. “Your boyfriend is waving at you.” I blinked back into reality to focus on Joshua across the field, standing behind the benches. I gave a small wave, feeling guilty that he’d probably been waving like an idiot while I was busy daydreaming about my ex boyfriend.

My teammates had been surprisingly understanding about dating Joshua. I was fully prepared to tell them the truth, but they weren’t surprised, and were even happy for me when I told them I was dating him. I supposed the athletics teams were pretty close, and I knew that a lot of my teammates had started to think Nam-Il was a crappy boyfriend at the end of our relationship, especially when he stopped coming to our matches. I couldn’t really blame them for that.

I only told my best friend (and roommate), Momo, the truth. She sat on my other side, scrolling through her phone as she had for the entire match.

“You know it’s more interesting if you actually watch the game,” I said.

She shrugged. “Since when do I care about soccer?” I had been lucky to get her to come to the match after practice, only convincing her because I wanted her to judge whether Joshua and I actually looked like a couple. The problem was that half the team overheard that we were going and invited themselves, and now they were sitting in the bleachers with me, teasing me for my boyfriend being so sweet.

“Besides, you’re just here for your boyfriend,” she said. “It’s not like you came to their matches before.”

“I am friends with the rest of the team!” I said.

“Knowing their names doesn’t mean you’re friends,” Chaeyoung said. “Coming from someone that’s actually friends with some of them.”

I glared at her. “Aren’t you supposed to have respect for your upperclassmen?”

“I do respect you,” she said, putting her hand on my shoulder. “That’s why I’m making sure no one misunderstands you.”

“You’re so full of it,” I said, but I was smiling. I peeked across the field again and found Joshua. He was chatting with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, his best friends. They’d played together for all of college, but I had just found out that Jeonghan and Joshua had played their very first season of soccer together, when they were just six. The thought of tiny Joshua running around chasing a ball was adorable.

He had to have some sixth sense for people staring at him, because it wasn’t long before he turned to me, smiling and waving again. Seungcheol smacked his shoulder, probably pretending to be mad at him for not paying attention.

It was halftime, the score was tied 1-1. I slid closer to Momo as the night air got chillier. It wouldn’t have been too bad, except we had come straight from practice, and the sweat had set a chill deep down that I couldn’t quite shake off. Unlike a lot of my teammates, I hadn’t thought to bring a sweater.

I couldn’t deny my pride at dating a member of the thus far undefeated soccer team, even if it was fake. I couldn’t deny my jealousy, our three losses unforgettable, but I still bragged about him as soon as I realized my teammates didn’t care that I had just broken up with Nam-Il.

It made tensions in the stands that much higher as the second half continued and the score remained tied. Even Momo looked up a couple times as the other team came close to scoring, Jihoon, our goalie, making a couple incredible saves. The freshman forward, Chan, made a couple good plays, getting through their defense, but even the so-called prodigy wasn’t good enough to get a goal in. I winced as it got more aggressive, plenty of arguable fouls on both sides.

Volleyball was my expertise, but I could follow the rules of soccer, which is how I knew Minghao, another of our forwards, was definitely not off-sides when the referee blew the whistle. The entire crowd booed as the ball went to the other team, destroying the chance that Minghao had created to score.

The other team moved viciously down the field, recklessly pushing through our defense despite our best efforts. Seungcheol made a move for the ball but the player kicked it across to his teammate. There were 30 seconds left in the match, the crowd chanting defense, defense, defense, as the other team drove closer and closer to our goal. I held my breath as they took a shot, but another of our defenders, Seungkwan, got there just in time. However, when he kicked the ball back towards our team, one of the other players intercepted it.

He maneuvered back to avoid our defense, kicked it to another teammate just before Joshua got to him. At 20 seconds, they were in position to take another shot, our defense scrambling. Seungcheol made one last desperate player but it wasn’t enough. It felt like time froze as the ball soared through the air, aiming for the top corner of the goal. Jihoon dove as high as he could but it still wasn’t enough, and the ball went in.

The crowd groaned, Jihoon picking himself off the ground and glaring at the ball. The other team were quick to cut off their celebrations, ready to completely sign in their victory, and the end of the winning streak.

For their part, our team didn’t quite give up. I was proud of how they tried to get the ball down as quickly as possible, Chan even getting a shot on goal off, though it was wild and never stood a chance at actually scoring. The crowd chanted, three, two, one! and it was over.

They had lost their undefeated winning streak.

Many of the team looked sad, heads hanging low, walking slowly to their bench as the other team whooped and jumped on each other. A loss would weigh heavy on all of them, even if they still had an unprecedented season with their stats.

I waved as most of the team left, rather disappointed that the first time they saw Joshua as my official boyfriend ended so poorly.

“Maybe you’re bad luck,” Momo whispered in my ear. I rolled my eyes at her smile, following her out of the bleachers.

“Are you saying the reason they lost is because I’m fake-” I paused, glancing around us and lowering my voice. “Because I’m ‘dating’ Joshua?”

“I would never say that!” She said, “I implied it.”

“Oh, well that’s much better then.” I stopped at the fence line. “I’ll see you at the apartment, I’m going to chat with my friends and make sure they aren’t too upset by this.”

Momo shook her head. “I think you just want to hug your boyfriend.”

I rolled my eyes at her again, almost regretting telling her the truth. “Drive safe! I’ll see you later!”

They took longer in the post-game meeting than I anticipated. The crowd was gone by the time the boys finally started making their way across the field, only a few parents and friends hanging around to see a player. Having stood for so long, I was cold again, wishing I had just gone home with Momo.

Joshua walked over with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, chatting with them but glancing at me every few seconds like he thought I was going to vanish. As soon as they reached me, Joshua stopped, the other two boys continuing down the path. He took one look at my shivering and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.

“Sorry I’m a little sweaty,” he whispered in my ear. “Is this okay?”

“‘S okay,” I said, grateful for any warmth. “I probably don’t smell the best either, I came straight from practice. How are you feeling?”

I could feel him shrug. “I mean, I’m not happy, but it’s whatever. It was cool to get this far and it sucks the winning streak is over but we can’t win them all. As long as we win during playoffs, the season doesn’t matter to me.”

“Really? You’d be okay if you lost every single game for the rest of the season?”

“Okay, fine, as long as we are still first in the region,” he said. “Hey, you want to come to dinner with us? I can guilt Seungcheol into paying.”

I smiled into his shoulder. “Free food? My answer is always yes.” He laughed, pulling away but keeping a warm arm over my shoulders and pulled close to his chest. I kept my arm around his waist. It was strange how natural it felt to be intimate with him. When I had first started dating Nam-Il, I had taken forever to feel comfortable holding his hand. It must be because it wasn’t real.

“Hey, yn is coming with us!” Joshua shouted to Seungcheol and Jeonghan. They slowed down until we caught up with them. Seungcheol apparently didn’t have Joshua’s approach to the loss, still ranting.

“All I’m saying is that if they didn’t make that horrible call on Minghao, we would have at least had a chance,” he said.

Joshua shrugged. “It’s over, man. It’s not like it’s playoffs.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Okay, you’re being dramatic,” I said. “It’s one loss and it wasn’t even a blow out. Did you guys win, like, eight nothing last week?”

“Yeah, stop insulting the fact that the volleyball team has three losses,” Jeonghan said.

I frowned at him. “I don’t like your support.”

“No one ever does.” Jeonghan sighed overdramatically.

“That’s because your version of support is rarely actual support,” Joshua said. “You literally just insulted yn.”

“Insult is harsh. It was the truth,” he said.

“I think we’re getting distracted from the fact that we actually lost,” Seungcheol said.

Joshua rolled his eyes. “One or three, it doesn’t really matter, all that matters-”

“Is the end of the season,” Seungcheol finished. “So you’ve said. You’re starting to sound like Coach.”

“Never say that again,” Joshua said.

“It’s a compliment!” Jeonghan said. We reached the parking lot. Joshua tossed his bag into the trunk of a car, then dug around the back seat, emerging with a sweatshirt.

“I’m at least 70% sure this is mine,” he said, passing it to me. “But if it smells, it’s definitely Seungcheol’s.” I laughed, pulling it over my head, deciding it smelled distinctly like Joshua.

“Hey!” He held up the keys. “This is still my car, I can leave you whenever I want!”

“You can try,” Joshua said, sliding back into the backseat. I followed him as Seungcheol slammed the driver's door shut and Jeonghan sat in the front seat. He turned around immediately, staring at me and Joshua in the back. We had left the middle seat open, Joshua behind Seungcheol and me behind Jeonghan. He glared at that empty seat, as if we were supposed to be sitting in each other's laps.

“You’re being weird,” Joshua said without looking up from his phone. Jeonghan turned back with a sigh, strapping his seatbelt on as Seungcheol began to drive.

“So, Joshua refuses to tell us how you started dating,” Seungcheol said. I glanced at Joshua who had dropped his phone, eyes wide.

“That’s because it’s not your business,” he said quickly.

“Yeah, I don’t really care,” Seungcheol said. “Also yn had a different boyfriend a week ago, and yes, we all know he sucks, but you are my best friend- you are also my best friend don’t be annoying, Jeonghan- anyways, I’m going to make sure that your relationship is, like, healthy or whatever.”

“That’s very kind of you, dad,” Joshua said. “But I can make my own decisions.”

“Not when yn is involved,” Jeonghan muttered. I felt like an intruder in the conversation, but I couldn’t exactly leave without jumping out of a moving car.

“Joshua, we’re just asking how you started dating,” Seungcheol said. “Most people love talking about that.”

“It’s fine,” I said before Joshua could argue back. He turned to me and I could tell he just didn’t want me to get into trouble. Well, it was my fault his friends were interrogating him, the least I could do was help him out. “Yeah, technically I only broke up with Nam-Il last week-”

“I heard you got dumped,” Jeonghan said.

I glared at the back of his seat. “It doesn’t particularly matter because we hadn’t really been together in months. Honestly, it was just like waiting for the right thing to break up with him over and he beat me to it.”

It felt good to say out loud, grounding myself in reality. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t him, it was both of us. I smiled at Joshua. “I just realized I had feelings for someone else, and told him. Is that a crime?”

“That’s the story you’re going to stick with?” He asked.

“It’s the truth,” I said. More or less, I added in my head.

“It has nothing to do with Nam-Il dating someone new?” Jeonghan asked.

I was quiet for just a second too long.

“Can you guys please stop interrogating them?” Joshua asked. “I told you, we are fine.” He took my hand and squeezed it. I couldn’t tell if he was doing it to prove to them we were a normal couple or to comfort me. I figured it had to be the first one even though they probably couldn’t see our hands.

“Answer the question,” Jeonghan said, turning to face us. The car stopped at a light, and we were bathed in red.

“I mean I wasn’t a fan of him moving on so quickly,” I said slowly. “But I like Joshua.” I glanced at him, black hair messy from the game, soft smile reaching his eyes and turning them into little crescents, hand still in mine, and it almost wasn’t a lie.

Jeonghan turned back around as the light turned green, apparently satisfied.

“Okay, now that that’s all cleared up, I think you guys owe us dinner!” Joshua said. “Right, yn?”

“Um…”

“Perfect, we all agree!” He said.

“I already said I was going to pay,” Seungcheol grumbled.

“You’ll just have to owe us extra then!”

The rest of the car ride was quiet. Joshua would show me a meme every once in a while and Seungcheol started talking about the game again, more to himself than anyone else.

“Just let it go,” Jeonghan said. “We have a tournament this weekend and if you’re still obsessed with this we’ll lose those too.”

I turned to Joshua. “Our first weekend as a couple and you’re leaving me?”

He glanced at me and smiled at my fake pout, reaching out and patting my head. “Don’t you have a tournament this weekend too?”

“That’s not the point!” I said.

“You two are kind of gross,” Seungcheol said. He pulled into the parking lot of a diner. It was nearly 10, so the diner was pretty much empty.

Apparently they came here at least once a week, the staff recognizing them as we sat down without waiting for a host.

“This is the only diner open after games that actually has good food,” Joshua whispered in my ear. “It’s a heavily kept secret among the soccer team, we only tell the freshmen at the end of the season. There’s actually a full ritual to swear you into secrecy or you aren’t allowed to leave.”

I knew he was joking, but his eyes were so serious that I played along. I kissed him on the cheek. “Consider that my declaration of secrecy.” He pressed his fingers to his cheek for a moment, glancing at me with distinct surprise. Joshua followed my gaze to Seungcheol and Jeonghan, who were studying the menu pretty intensely for people that were regulars. I winked at Joshua.

“Okay, but how do you guys keep this place a secret?” I asked louder.

Seungcheol peeked up, seeming to sigh in relief when he saw that there was some space between us. “It’s listed online as closed at 9pm and they made a deal with the wait staff years ago to keep it that way.”

“That’s incredibly suspicious,” I said. “I love it.”

“What do you want?” Joshua asked me.

I shrugged. “You can just order for me, I would hope after three years you know what’s good on the menu.”

A few minutes later, the food appeared, despite the fact that Joshua had only just gone up to order my food. The waiter set down three players of food, apologizing saying my meal would be out in a minute. Apparently they were so regular the staff knew to put in their order the second they walked in.

I didn’t think I was too hungry, but the food smelled so good my stomach started grumbling. I didn’t think it was noticeable, but Joshua slid his plate in front me.

“I ordered the same thing, anyways,” he said when I frowned at him.

“You just played a game, you should eat.”

“You just had practice, you should eat.”

I stared him down but he stared right back.

“Can one of you just eat so this isn’t weird anymore,” Jeonghan said. I looked and saw both he and Seungcheol were hovering over their food, watching us.

“Go ahead,” Joshua said, folding his arms.

I frowned at him until I had an idea. I pulled the plate closer to me, sticking the fork and loading a good amount of food onto it. I turned to Joshua, holding the fork to his face.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Getting you to eat!” I heard Seungcheol snort trying to hold back his laugh. “Open up!”

Joshua glanced at his friends, for the first time looking embarrassed. He did this to himself. Finally, he opened his mouth, letting me stick the food into his mouth. I could feel his glare as I turned back to the plate, satisfied I had been successful, digging into the food. Not long after, the other plate was delivered and we were too absorbed in eating to talk.

I understood why the boys had kept this place such a well hidden secret. The food was so good I couldn’t imagine having the secret for so many years. I grinned at Joshua, realizing just how good my choice in fake boyfriends had been.

It wasn’t like I had many options. I had plenty of friends, most of them in athletics. But Joshua was the only one that I trusted enough to be not only the person that I was publicly with, but also the person that I could actually talk to about my life. He was my fake boyfriend, but he was also my friend.

The rest of dinner was uneventful, the most excitement coming from Seungcheol grimacing when the waiter asked about the match. We were just about ready to go when Joshua went to the bathroom. I was left sitting across from Seungcheol and Jeonghan, both of whom had expressions I couldn’t decipher.

“So,” Jeonghan said as soon as Joshua was out of earshot. “You told Joshua how you felt first?”

“Yes,” I said slowly. “Are we really back on this?”

Seungcheol glanced behind them, checking to see that Joshua really was gone. As soon as the bathroom door was shut, he leaned over the table. “Thank god, do you know how exhausting it was to listen to him pine for the past two years? Seriously, he pretended like he wasn’t, but it was so obvious.”

“Yn, do you understand how painful these past two years have been?” Jeonghan asked. “This idiot has made our life hell because of you. I cannot count how many times I woke up to his 2 am depression spam of debating whether he should tell you how he felt or not. Actually, I’m pretty sure he did it, like, last week.”

“I am begging you, please, for our sanity, never break up with him,” Seungcheol said. “He’s an idiot but he genuinely cares about you, and I can’t bear to put up with him pretending like he isn’t pining after you literally every day.”

They were so serious I almost believed them. I opened my mouth to tell them to stop teasing, but then I saw Joshua emerge from the bathroom. It was all I could do to smile back as he walked over, clearly expecting everyone to be ready to go.

Seungcheol and Jeonghan stood up, all signs of desperation completely gone, leaving me to follow them quietly to the car. Joshua noticed something was wrong immediately, squeezing my hand and not letting go even when we got into the car. The car ride was filled with Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s banter, Joshua piping in a couple of times but mostly worrying over me as I replayed Seungcheol and Jeonghan’s words in my head.

When we reached my apartment, he followed me out of the car, telling the guys that he would walk me to my door.

“What happened?” He asked as soon as the car door was shut.

“You need to tell them the truth,” I said as we walked towards the building.

“What?”

“They just tried to tell me that you’ve been in love with me for the past two years, and they were really good at it, like, I seriously almost believed them, but clearly they aren’t believing us, so you should just tell them the truth so they don’t get any more upset and do something even more insane.”

Joshua was quiet a moment. “They really said that?”

I rolled my eyes. “They begged me not to break up with you.”

“They must have thought they were hilarious,” Joshua said. He sounded like he was still processing it. I was still processing it, not quite sure what his two best friends were trying to do. He was quiet the entire elevator ride up. I don’t know when, but I realized we had stopped holding hands.

He still walked me to my door. “I’ll tell them the truth as soon as I go back,” he said. “I… I’m sorry they did that to you.”

I stood next to him for a moment, trying to think of what I should say. He avoided my eyes, staring at the floor, and I felt like I should comfort him, tell him… something. But in the end there was nothing to say, and the last I saw of him was his sad back retreating down the hall.

“Dropping out is a mistake, right?”

“Yn, you’re on an athletic scholarship,” Joshua said. “You can’t drop out.”

I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling of the apartment. I wondered why so many ceilings were textured. I could feel my hands running over the surface, the ridges digging into my hands. Did my apartment have ceilings like this?

“Okay, but what if I don’t graduate?”

“Your grades are fine, you just showed them to me.” I wondered how Joshua could be so focused, as I continued to pester him with questions. I turned to my side to study him, laying on his stomach and switching between reading a textbook and scribbling color coded notes.

I first met Joshua during our freshman year when we had a class together. Technically I’d seen him around campus before, both of us participating in summer training for our respective sports, but we weren’t formally introduced until that day in class. We bonded over missing classes because of games and scrambling to keep up with our insane schedules as freshmen. I was amazed then as I was now at how perfect his notes were.

I knew his secret: his notes might be organized, but his thoughts rarely were. Having peer edited his papers, I felt like I knew exactly what sort of student Joshua was, which was why I should have been incredibly annoying to him right now, when we were supposed to be studying and I was, instead, doing everything in my power to distract him.

“Don’t you think you should support me? I mean, I am fake dating you,” I said. It was nice to be somewhere that I could say it out loud. It had been over a week since Joshua had told Seungcheol and Jeonghan, who had taken it surprisingly well. Though I wasn’t sure they weren’t stink eyeing me behind my back, they at least let me come over for fake dates, which was what today was supposed to be except Joshua had a quiz he needed to study for.

I was supposed to be studying as well but I had no motivation to do so, especially when teasing Joshua was so much easier.

“Don’t you think you should support me?” He asked, finally turning to face me. “I mean, your fake boyfriend is going to be put on academic probation if he fails this quiz.”

“You have not failed a quiz in your life,” I said.

“Yeah, because I study,” he said, but he closed the textbook anyways. “Clearly that’s not going to happen with you around.”

I sat up and beamed at him. “See isn’t this so much better!”

He shook his head, but I could still see him smile. “Wait here,” he said, placing a gentle hand on my arm. He stood up, disappearing into his room for a moment before sitting down in front of me and setting down a little box.

“I was going to give this to you later, but since you’re so determined to get attention, here.” He opened the box. Nestled inside were two little beaded bracelets, clearly handmade. They were almost identical, alternating shades of blue with a little heart charm in the middle. The only difference between them was the letters next to the heart. One had HJ, and the other my own initials.

“I know it’s cheesy, but I thought couples bracelets could be proof,” Joshua said. “Like, if anyone doesn’t believe us, you could just point to it and be like ‘see, we both have them.’”

I picked them up, caressing them between my fingers. “Did you make these?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, it started as a joke with my high school teammates but somehow we all ended up with them for our backpacks, and- are you okay?”

I had been fighting the tears that had forced their way to my eyes but him asking sent me over the edge. The traitorous tears pushed down my cheeks, out of my control. Joshua was hesitant at first, but wrapped his arms around me entirely when I pulled on his sleeve, bracelets curled in my fingers. I buried my face in his shoulder, more embarrassed that I was crying over bracelets than actually sobbing. His gentle hands rubbing my back only made it harder to stop the tears.

I had promised myself that I wouldn’t compare Joshua to Nam-Il the day after we started fake dating. It wasn’t fair to Joshua, since he wasn’t actually my boyfriend, and I wanted to move on from Nam-Il, not hold on to everything that he was and expect it from my next relationship. Joshua made that impossible, by being the sweetest, best boyfriend he could, even if it was fake.

He was nothing but sweet and kind, and I was using him to… what? Piss off my ex? Show him that I didn’t care about him anymore? It wasn’t fair to Joshua, who deserved someone that genuinely cared about him.

“If they were that ugly, you could have just told me,” he whispered in my ear when I finally stopped crying.

How could he make me laugh so easily?

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he said, “But I’m here if you do.” I realized I was still wrapped in his embrace. The selfish part of me wanted to stay there where it was safe and I could hide, but I gathered up my courage and pushed myself out of his arms.

“I just keep realizing that Nam-Il was pretty much a waste of the past two years,” I said. “Like, I invested so much time and energy into the relationship, and I realized he never once made something for me. Like, he’d buy gifts and everything, but I don’t think he ever really thought about doing something like this.”

After a pause, I added, “Not that I’m comparing you two. I mean, this is a fake relationship. But the fact that you are a better fake boyfriend than he was a real boyfriend just makes me question everything about how I spent the last two years. He said I overthink things, and I think he was right because I can’t help but think that I ruined it, that I spent too much of our relationship thinking and not enough doing, or telling him how I felt instead of worrying that his feelings might be hurt, or he might not understand.

“And I feel horrible because you deserve to real date someone, someone that isn’t a mess and isn’t…” Me.

I felt brave enough to meet his eyes. He was staring at me with a little frown. “Yn, are you still upset that your ex started dating someone so soon after you broke up?”

“No, I realized today that I’m not mad at him anymore, just myself.”

“Yn do you want to fake breakup?” His expression was unreadable.

“It’s what you deserve.”

“But do you want to fake breakup?”

I chewed on my lip. I knew the answer, but that wasn’t enough, I had to have a reason why. Why didn’t I want to break up with him? It wouldn’t change anything, we were still friends. But the thought of breaking up, even though it was fake, was scarier than my actual breakup with Nam-Il.

I shook my head.

“Then we don’t fake breakup,” he said, pulling the bracelets out of my hand and sliding the one with my initials onto his wrist. He held up the other one for me.

“That’s not fair to you,” I mumbled.

“How about I decide that, and you decide what’s best for you? Because right now, I think those are the same thing.” He gently picked up my hand, setting the bracelet in it. “I won’t make you wear it if you don’t want to. And if you really do want to fake breakup then that’s fine. But, yn.” He squeezed my hand. “You deserve someone who loves all of you and loves everything that you are and never lets you forget it, okay? I know you aren’t ready for a relationship yet, but when you are, don’t ever forget that.”

He was looking at me with such an intense gaze, I could feel my heart beating in my throat, and wondered if just maybe that person might one day be him.

Joshua hadn’t kissed me since the first day. It had been four weeks and five days since then, and while I wasn’t obsessed with the idea of kissing him, every once in a while, when we were walking or studying together, I would catch a glimpse of his lips and remember how strangely perfect the kiss had been. I wondered if he ever thought about it either. He had kissed me on the cheek plenty of times, though it wasn’t the same.

I caught his arm before he could get too far away from me. I was so tempted to press a kiss against his lips, just to see the look of surprise on his face, but turned at the last second, pressing it on his cheek. I laughed at the stain the dark blue lipstick I was wearing left, wiping it off with my thumb.

“For luck,” I said when he raised his eyebrows. “You better win.”

“What have I been saying this entire season?” He smiled, a hint of cockiness to his attitude. “Nothing mattered until now.” I smacked his arm, laughing at his cheesiness. We stood in the stadium, near the gate to enter the field. Joshua wore his warmups, his uniform safely tucked away in his bag behind the bench. I was hardly the only one there early, more than a few people in the stands ready to cheer, and some like me, chatting with players.

“I can’t be the only one going to nationals in this relationship,” I said. I was still reeling in the pure ecstasy of our win the night before that had sealed our ticket to playing in the national tournament. It was hardly a guarantee that we’d win; in fact, our chances were pretty low as a lower seeded team. But going meant that my career wasn’t quite over, that I could hold on to the sport I loved more than anything for just a few weeks longer. It was enough to make me giddy.

He tapped my nose. “You’re starting to become a little cocky.”

“That’s what happens when you win and you’re going to nationals.” I grinned at him.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said, but he said it with a fond smile and I knew he was joking. He glanced at the timer, coming closer to the 60 minute mark. He would have to go to start warmups soon.

I squeezed his hand, trying to be serious. “You’ll win.” He stared at the ground, looking like he believed me, so I said it again. “You will win, and we will both go to nationals, and obviously we’ll win there too, and we’ll be a power couple like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively.”

He laughed, but the smile didn’t remain for long. “Would you still date me if we lost?”

My cheeks felt warm as I forgot that there were people around us and that’s why he left out ‘fake.’ “Do you really think I’m that shallow?”

“You do sort of look like a groupie,” he said, gesturing to my outfit.

“Hey, this is literally your shirt!” I said. He had given me his old high school jersey as a joke, but every game I had worn it to, they had won, and I wasn’t going to break tradition now. I had even finally remembered to take the couples bracelet off of my key ring and back onto my wrist where it belonged. The blue makeup and hair ribbons in our school colors might have been a little much, but it was nothing compared to the guys I saw pregaming in the parking lot who had painted their entire bodies blue. “I think I look like a supportive partner.”

“And a cute one at that,” Joshua said, so serious that I almost didn’t think he was joking. He glanced at the timer again. “I need to go.” He paused for a moment longer in front of me, and I thought he was going to say something else, but he turned away, jogging across the field.

“If you don’t score, I’m breaking up with you!” I shouted after him. Even halfway across the field I could hear his laugh.

I settled into the front row of the stands, saving spots for the other members of the volleyball team who had promised they would come. The stands were pretty empty when warmups officially started, but at the 30 minute mark, they were buzzing with apprehension. With only five minutes left before the game, they were packed with people, mostly students, but a lot of parents, and even a few fans. Though our school wasn’t a commonly known name, their unprecedented two loss season and incredible stats from this year had gained a lot of attention. Joshua had told me that a couple of their players were in the process of being recruited for professional teams.

My own heart was hammering in my chest with more nerves than when I had played in my own playoffs the night before. At least then I had been playing, and even if we’d lost, I would have been able to say that I had done my best on the court. All I could do now was hope for the best and believe. There was something incredibly maddening about having no control.

We took the ball right at the start of the match, sending it back towards our defense first so that our players could move into better offensive positions. I watched Joshua as he moved across the field, moving back and forth across the midline until the team could get the ball farther down, pushing the other team’s defense back. Chan got a shot off but it was defended pretty easily. Neither team was going to give up without a fight.

The first half went back and forth, each team getting close to scoring but never actually getting the ball in. Jihoon had to make more than one good saves, but so did the other goalie. The crowd practically cried when the first half ended just before Jun could get a good kick on the ball.

The fifteen minute break between the halves went by quickly. I chatted with Momo, who had actually been watching for the first time since I’d started dragging her to these games. In no time they were back on the field.

I could feel how desperate both teams were to score, feeling as though I was on the field with them as our team pushed forwards past their defense. Jun, the tallest of our forwards, pushed ahead with the ball. He was practically right in front of me, which was how I could see the moment the other team’s defender crossed the line. He was behind Jun, acting as though he wanted to get the ball, but I saw as he raised his foot and dug the metal cleat onto the back of Jun’s calf, sinking the metal in and dragging his foot down.

Jun fell onto the turf immediately as Minghao practically tackled the other team’s defender to get him off Jun. Curse words were flying as the referees blew their whistles, desperately trying to stop it from turning into an all-out brawl. I found Joshua holding back Seungcheol with the help of Mingyu. He looked ready to commit a murder, and that’s when I realized I recognized the boy who had cleated Jun.

He had been on our team until last year.

The referees finally got the boys to calm down, sending them to their respective benches as the trainer was able to get Jun on his feet. Minghao and Chan helped him hobble to the table where she could actually treat his wound.

The crowd was a mess. I was pretty sure that some of the tipsy students were trying to break out and start a fight with the other team’s crowd, while others were chanting that the kid should be expelled, while others were looking rather sick at the gore that was right in front of them. I felt helpless as I watched the boys glare across the field while the other team was clearly yelling at the boy.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Jun was finally out of eyesight, hoping he could be treated without the prying eyes of the full stands and suffering even more trying to make sure he didn’t look like he was in too much pain. I didn’t know him very well, but he was nice, and he loved to play soccer. I wondered how deep the cleats had torn, and what his recovery would be like.

An injury like that was chilling to watch, especially for an athlete. It was a reminder not to take what you have for granted.

The referees announced the expulsion of the player quickly, giving Minghao a yellow card for “aggressive behavior.” As the boys stepped back onto the field, I could tell the atmosphere was different. I had been at the game where Chan got rocked by a defender and had to sit out because they were worried he might have a concussion. This was worse than that, the players on the field looking like sharks ready to pounce on the first source of blood. Even Joshua, my sweet, kind (fake) boyfriend who I had only ever seen angry once because his roommates locked him out, was glaring at the other team.

If they had been desperate before, it was nothing compared to now. The second the referee blew the whistle, they were pushing down the field. I winced any time they came near the other team's defense, but no fouls were called. Within the first two minutes of the game starting again, the ball was being passed between Chan and Minghao, back and forth, dodging around a couple defenders, moving closer to the goal, then sent back to Joshua near the midline, who took it up the field on his own, pulling the defenders to him before shooting it back up to Chan, who was waiting by the corner of the six yard box, changing the trajectory of the kick so instead of sailing past him, it was going to the goal.

The other goalie made a dive for the ball.

He was too late.

Cheers erupted on the field and in the stands, even Momo beside me shouting. Chan made it halfway across the field before his teammates lifted him off his feet. It took a couple minutes for them to settle down and reset, but the 1-0 on the screen was more comfort than I could imagine.

They only grew more cocky as the game continued and the score didn’t change. With only ten minutes left, the other team was trying everything they could, but nothing got past Seungcheol and Mingyu’s infamous Great Wall defense, and the little that could was stopped by Jihoon.

If they had calmed down about the incident, Jun hobbling back to the bench with five minutes left wound them right back up. All they had to do was hold the score, but I watched as Soonyoung pushed the ball downfield, passing it to Minghao. Our offense was definitely different without Jun, but they weren’t any less determined.

The Minghao-Chan duo were back at it, passing the ball between each other and dancing around the defense. With three minutes and twelve seconds left in the game, Minghao took a shot. It was deflected by a defender, but when he tried to send it back downfield to his teammates, Seokmin was there, intercepting the ball and sending it right back to Minghao, who took another shot and this time there was no defender to stop him.

I would have sworn that the screams could be heard all the way back to the other team’s home field as we cheered in the stands. A 2-0 lead with less than three minutes left in the game, all they had to do was hold on and they’d be the champions. It was so close I could already feel the win.

The energy on the field was immeasurable as the defense somehow locked up even further, doing their best to prevent the ball from even crossing the midline. When the clock hit one minute remaining, the other team pulled their goalie onto the field, and they made some headway, pushing up to our goal with thirty seconds left.

One kick from Seungkwan was all it took to send the ball soaring back down the pitch, their defense scrambling to get back in time.

I grinned as we counted down the clock in the stands.

“Ten!”

To their credit, the other team didn’t give up, catching up to the ball and trying to get into an offensive position

“Nine!”

Seungcheol and Mingyu refused to let a ball pass them.

“Eight!”

Joshua got the ball, taking it down field with him towards the other team’s goal.

“Seven!”

He kicked it to Seokmin.

“Six!”

Seokmin took it even further.

“Five!”

He passed it back to Joshua, who immediately sent it to Minghao.

“Four!”

Minghao faked a shot, sending it instead to Seokmin.

“Three!”

Seokmin sent it to Chan.

“Two!”

Chan swung his leg, sending the ball into the air.

“One!”

The ball seemed to stop in midair, just for a second. We held our breath as the buzzer began to ring, the ball floating, floating, floating, hovering just over the hands of the goal, and flying into the back of the net.

I couldn’t hear, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, doing my best to cheer with the crowd as the boys swarmed the field, hugging each other for a moment before going to their bench and lifting up Jun. I was pretty sure the trainer was having an aneurysm as they tossed him into the air, but they set him back down and even across the field through all the cheering, I could hear his laugh.

It took a while for the stands to clear, and even longer for the boys to emerge from the changing rooms. I waited against the wall, still grinning. I couldn’t quite believe that we really both were going to nationals. It felt a little bit like fate, except, of course, we weren’t actually together.

That was the problem, though. The lines had gotten blurred at some point, I couldn’t tell when, and I found myself forgetting that it was fake, forgetting why it was ever fake in the first place.

When I saw Joshua, I stopped thinking. He was grinning, pulling me into a hug that lifted me off my feet as soon as he saw me. I held on as tightly as I could until he set me down.

“Told you so,” I said. I felt as happy as I had last night, no, happier, because last night there was still a chance that he might not be able to feel the same way I did now.

“We only could win because of you,” he said. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Only if it’s true.” I laced my fingers with his as he started walking to the parking lot. We trailed behind Seungcheol and Jeonghan and I was suddenly sad that he lived with his teammates. I wanted to cling to this night just a little bit longer.

“Is Jun okay?”

Joshua shrugged. “He’ll probably be out for the rest of the season, but the trainer said he should be okay. They’re taking him to the emergency room to make sure it didn’t tear any tendons or anything, but I think she said it didn’t go too deeply into his muscles. The idiot wanted to watch the end of the game before he left.”

“The guy that cleated him... he used to play here, didn’t he?” Joshua didn’t answer for a long moment, glaring at the ground.

“Yeah,” he finally said. “The official word is that he transferred after last season.”

I wasn’t sure if I should press him for more, but curiosity got the better of me. “What really happened?”

“He was kicked off,” Joshua said. He didn’t elaborate any further, and I realized it was definitely not my place to ask more.

Joshua walked me to my car in silence. I wondered if he was upset that I asked about what happened. I leaned against the car door, not quite ready to say goodnight to him.

“How does it feel to be regional champion?” I asked. “You’re going to nationals.”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Joshua smiled at me, a genuine smile, no sign that we had been talking about anything upsetting. He leaned against the car beside me, though neither of us had anything to say.

“Seungcheol is probably going to invite the team to celebrate tonight if you want to come,” Joshua said.

I turned to meet his eyes in the streetlights, head brushing against his shoulder. The orange lights cast a strange haze over him, as if I was looking at him in a dream.

“We have practice tomorrow morning.” I sighed. “Coach said nationals prep starts immediately.”

Joshua didn’t say anything, but I think he knew what I didn’t say, just as I knew what he was thinking.

I want to be with you.

I want you to be with me.

He stayed a few moments longer, but eventually Jeonghan shouted that they were going to leave without him and he said a quick goodnight, kissing me on the forehead and sprinting to catch up with the car because Seungcheol had started to pull out of the lot.

I felt strange driving home alone, like there was something I forgot to tell him. Coach wasn’t joking about nationals prep; when I got back, Momo told me that she sent an email saying that we needed to be at lifting at 6 and practice would start at 7.

“Why so early?” I moaned into my pillow.

“You know Coach, she’s probably going to make us go to study hall after,” she said from the doorway of my room. “You should go to sleep soon, it’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

I sat up, reminding myself that I loved volleyball. I took a quick shower, then crawled back into bed. I sent Joshua a quick text telling him to be safe and drink lots of water, then let myself drift off to sleep, hanging on to the memory of him spinning me in his arms.

I woke up to a bright light. At first I thought it was morning, but when I opened my eyes, I realized it was my phone screen. I reached over to turn it off but when I picked it up I realized Joshua was calling me.

“Yn!” He said, slurring just a little. “Hi!”

“Joshua? Are you okay?” I sat up, checking the time on my clock. It was only 11:30 pm.

“I’ve never been better,” he said. “But we’re playing drink or dare and I don’t know how many drinks I’ve had so they made me do the dare.”

“Drink or dare?”

“You drink or you do a dare.”

“That makes sense,” I said, sitting up. I was still fighting sleep. “You were dared to call me?”

“I was dared to call you to tell you to pick me up.”

“Aren’t you at your apartment?”

“Yeah, I was dared to call you to tell you to pick me up and take me back to your place.”

“Oh,” I said. I was definitely awake now.

“You don’t have to actually come,” he said. I could hear some groans in the background. “Though I think they might still make me drink.”

“I’m on the way,” I said, getting out of bed and stretching. I hung up, trying not to think about how early I had to be up in the morning as I put on a sweatshirt and grabbed my keys. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was doing, but I could still hear Joshua’s voice when he thought I had hung up and whispered, “I love you.”

He was drunk and probably didn’t even realize he said it. He probably wasn’t even saying it to me. So why did I want it to be true?

The drive took eight minutes at this hour. I stepped out of the car and immediately regretted not bringing pants, shivering in the late October air while I waited for someone to let me into the apartment.

Maybe I had hallucinated it; it wouldn’t have been the first time I’d sleepily imagined his voice, though never those words. I couldn’t forget that, real or exhaustion-induced hallucination.

“Yn!” Jeonghan opened the door, dragging me in with an arm over my shoulder. I was surprised he didn’t smell like alcohol, until I remembered that Joshua said he didn’t drink very often. He pulled me through the entryway to where the entire soccer team was spread out, some of them on the couch, most sprawled on the floor. There were a few other people I recognized, friends of teammates, a couple people that I knew were dating players.

Joshua was laying on the floor, looking like he definitely had too much to drink. Jeonghan finally let go of my arm as I crouched over him. He opened his eyes and smiled and my heart did a couple flips.

“Hi,” he said. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“You called me, dummy,” I said, tugging on his sleeve to get him to sit up. He almost knocked me down by leaning on me to sit up, and I somehow ended up half in his lap.

“I live here,” he said.

“You do, but you called me to pick you up.”

“That’s because we’re dating and I missed you.”

“That’s very sweet, but if you weren’t actually serious about coming home with me then I need to go because I have practice in the morning.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist, tucking his head into my shoulder. “Don’t go!”

“Then come with me,” I said, very aware of how many people were watching us. Though everyone knew how long we had been together, and Joshua had even slept over on my couch a couple times before, it felt bold to be (metaphorically) standing in front of him asking him to come home with me, especially with the half drunk audience.

“Joshua,” I tapped him on the shoulder because I wasn’t completely sure he wasn’t asleep. “Let’s go.” He loosened his arms enough so that I could stand, dragging him up with me. He latched on to my arm, surprisingly stable on his feet as we walked down the hall, sliding his shoes on and following me to the car. I was happy he clearly wasn’t going to notice how red my cheeks were as a couple of his teammates cheered and Seungcheol said, “be safe.”

Joshua practically fell into the front seat of my car. For an athlete, he wasn’t particularly graceful. I couldn’t help but smile as he fumbled with the seat buckle. I watched him struggle for a couple moments before shaking my head, leaning over him and clicking it into place. I turned my head to the side just slightly and realized how close I was to Joshua’s face, our noses about to brush together.

“You smell nice,” he said. I fought every urge not to glance at his lips because I was pretty sure if I did I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from leaning forward and pressing a kiss onto them. I knew I should probably stand up and drive home, but I stayed for a few more seconds, holding my breath when he lifted his hand to my face, running his thumb over my cheekbone, fingers gently caressing my jaw.

“You are the only one in my heart,” Joshua said. “Did you know that?”

I froze, staring into his eyes which were fixed on me as if he really was in love.

“We’re not going to break up because I didn’t score, right?”

Despite the fact that he had just made my heart do an entire acrobatic routine, I couldn’t help but laugh lightly, leaning back and patting his shoulder. “No, we are not going to fake break up.” I stepped out of the car, watching him slowly fall asleep.

I hadn’t misheard him earlier. He said ‘I love you.’ He told me how he felt in the most romantic way possible, albeit drunk, then proceeded to fall asleep. I couldn’t help but laugh, until I was hit by another realization.

This wasn’t a new emotion for him. I remembered how easily we fit together, how he didn’t deny that he wanted to date but said fake dating me wasn’t going to hurt him, the bracelets, Seungcheol and Jeonghan telling me that it had been two years and begging me not to break his heart, how quickly he said yes that first day I asked him to be my fake boyfriend. I remembered spending our first semester together, closer to him than to anyone else I had met, up until I started dating Nam-Il. We weren’t as close after that, and I realized that he probably pulled away, not wanting to get hurt.

I was an idiot.

An idiot for not ever realizing it, an idiot for not realizing how I felt.

I stared at him, sitting in my car, smiling just a tiny bit in his sleep. I loved him. Everything was clear now, the racing in my heart when he did something as simple as smile at me, how holding his hand never failed to ground me in reality, how fake dating him for the past month and a half made me happier than two years with my ex.

I loved him.

I stood outside the door to my apartment, key in my hand. The plan was so much easier in my head at 5 am when he was snoring on my couch, when I was at lifting, when I was at practice, when I was sneaking out of study hall. Not when I was about to walk into my apartment with no idea if Joshua was still there, ready to confront the fact that 1. he was in love with me and 2. I was a little in love with him too.

I took a deep breath, turning the key in the lock and stepping inside, setting my volleyball bag down in the entryway with my shoes. I couldn’t figure out how to breathe normally as I peeked over to the couch.

He was still there, sitting up and frowning at me. He looked adorable. “Yn? Did I sleep here?”

I laughed. “Yeah, I’m guessing you don’t remember much from last night, huh?”

“We won,” he said with a smile. “And I remember Seungcheol tried to kill me with shots. After that it’s kind of hazy.”

I sat next to him on the couch. Joshua had been my safe place for the past couple months, and I wasn’t sure how to act around him now. Logic said that what I was ready to tell him would be something he wanted to hear, something he’d been waiting to hear for a long time. Why was I still so nervous?

“You don’t remember calling me?”

He shook his head. “I remember… I don’t remember anything.”

I was almost ready to chicken out, but Joshua met my eyes and smiled. There was nothing new about it, the same soft smile, eyes turned up into little moons.

“You called at like 11:30 to have me pick you up,” I started. “And when I got to your apartment you were sleeping on the floor.”

“Wait, why did I call you to pick me up if I was at my apartment?” Joshua looked so cute frowning.

“You know, I don’t really get that either, but apparently you were playing a drinking game and I’m guessing it was supposed to be something like a booty call but considering you were sleeping on the floor when I got there I don’t think anyone really thought anything was going to happen.

“After I finally got you up, which by the way you are way heavier than you look, we got into my car and I literally had to strap you in.” I paused, glancing at him. “You still don’t remember any of this?”

He shook his head, but I could tell from his frown he wasn’t saying something.

“Well, first you said I smelled nice, which I guess was a compliment because you smelled like tequila, but then you said something else.”

His lips formed a little o. “It wasn’t a dream,” he breathed. I don’t know how he held my gaze as I watched him go through almost every emotion possible, shock, guilt, fear.

“Yn,” he said slowly. “I don’t know how to say this, clearly, and last night was definitely not how I intended for you to find out how I feel. I understand if you are uncomfortable with our… relationship and I don’t want you to feel trapped by anything, I just-”

“Joshua,” I said, placing my hand gently on his wrist. “Can you tell me again?”

“I-” He frowned. “What?”

“Can you say it not super drunk?”

“Yn, I love you.” The words came quickly, like he’d been holding them back for a long time. “I’ve been in love with you for the past two years and I know it’s not fair because you only asked me to be your fake boyfriend, but being together, even though it wasn’t real, felt right and you deserve to know that someone loves you, that I love you.” He looked so earnest, so honest, hands curling into fists instead of picking up mine, never once turning away from my eyes.

“I love you, too,” I said, voice barely stronger than a whisper. “Did you know that you’re a really good fake boyfriend? I meant what I said last time: you’d make a really good boyfriend to someone. I finally realized that I want that person to be me.”

Joshua was frozen for a second. “You really mean it?”

I laughed, nodding. “It’s not just because you are a good fake boyfriend. You are the first person that I think to call when something happens, whether it’s good or bad, the first person that I think about when I wake up and the person that I fall asleep dreaming about, and I know it’s pretty much the cheesiest thing I could say, but you are a dream I never want to wake up from, I want you, for real.”

Joshua grinned and it was a smile I had never seen before, pure happiness that pulled me up with him. He finally reached out, hands sliding up my arms, brushing his fingers over my shoulders, then coming to cup my cheeks, leaning forwards and pressing his forehead against mine.

“This isn’t a dream, right?”

I shook my head.

“Good, because I only want to kiss you if it’s real.”

“Then kiss me,” I breathed, and he did.

Like our first kiss, I forgot everything, how to think, how to breathe. I could only wrap my arms around his neck and try to pull myself a little closer to him, feeling every second of his patience of the two years crumbling away in the kiss. I felt his lips curl into a smile against mine as he pulled away, just a couple inches, to meet my eyes again, staring at me like he still couldn’t believe this was real.

I pressed a quick kiss onto his smile, laughing at the slow reaction of his emotions, tucking my head to the crook of his neck where I already knew I fit perfectly. He wrapped his arms around me, not unlike how he tried to hold me the night before, except this time I had no intention of getting up.

“You know this all went according to my plan,” he said. I could feel his voice vibrate in his chest.

“Oh yeah?”

“I was going to woo you with my incredible boyfriend skills and make you fall in love with me.”

“You’re sort of arrogant, did you know that?” I arched my neck to see his face, tucking it back into place with a satisfied smile at his frown. “Did you have any intention of ever actually telling me how you felt in this glorious plan?”

“Actually, I planned on doing it after nationals,” he said. “But I don’t think I could have waited that long. I almost told you last night right after the game. Do you know how absolutely adorable you looked?” He pulled me off his chest just so that he could kiss me again. “That was for last night.” He kissed me again. “For the night before that because you looked so happy after you won.” He kissed me again, this time lingering and I started to feel light headed because I was too happy. “That was just because I wanted to,” he said when I finally pulled away. My face was starting to hurt from smiling. He fiddled with the drawstrings of my hoodie.

Are you hungry?” I asked. “We haven’t gone grocery shopping in like two weeks, so there kind of isn’t any food here but we could get breakfast if you wanted?”

“That sounds nice,” he said, pretending to brush a strand of hair from my face but really just used it as an excuse to rest his fingers on my cheek, not unlike what he did the night before.

“I should shower,” I said, but I didn’t move.

He nodded. “You’re kind of stinky.”

“Says the one that smells like tequila!” He laughed and kissed me one more time.

“Did that taste like tequila?”

“Hm… Maybe it was vodka,” I said, pushing out of his lap and shrieking with laughter when he chased me, catching me easily and wrapping his arms around me in another hug.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m really happy I can say it now.”

“I love you, too,” I said. “Maybe not quite as much or for as long, but I do love you.” I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding on as tightly as I could.

I wondered what it would have been like if he had told me how he felt before I started dating Nam-Il. Would we have dated all through college? Would we have been able to stay happy, keep each other happy?

I didn’t believe in fate, but I think maybe me and Joshua were meant to be, not because of some unwritten destiny, but because we had gone through so much to be together. I laid my head over his heart and listened to its steady thumping. I closed my eyes, and decided that I would spend the rest of my life here, in the arms of the person that loved me the most, and the person that I loved the most.