#and i want to prove to people that happiness and living after being essentially locked away from society is in fact possible.

[cinnamon-phrog]

Had a Barbie Moment [realising how beautiful life is while sitting on a public bench]

#i'm going to document my lifes' findings #all those years i was denied this kind of freedom and i want to share it! because it makes me happy! #and i want to prove to people that happiness and living after being essentially locked away from society is in fact possible. #don't get me wrong it's hard. it hurts. it's scary. #but it's also beautiful and fun and so worth it. #i'm not talking about all that grand shit either. i'm talking about just sitting on a bench and feeding birds part of your sandwich. #picking out your own clothes that suit YOUR tastes [and budget] #even the silly tiny things like signing your returns reciept because something was too small. #i feel so much more important now and i deserve to talk about it regardless of whether people care or not. i care. #and i am so much happier- of course it has to be seen to be believed. but i am. #certainly more than i was at the start of the year. certainly more than i was last year. #the glamour might wear off but right now i'm just going to go around cautiously yet with a remarkable optimistic whimsy. #because yay!!! existence!!!!! being alive!!!! going outside!!!!!!!!! fuck you who said i couldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!! #🗨🐸

[reservoirreputation]

Birds in the Spider's Nest- Extras #1

Spoilers for my ResDogs fic of the same name down below

[ ] = current author's note

[the original placeholder title of this fic was Monsters of Old, which I was never happy with. Below are a bunch of other potential titles. Asterisks indicate how much I liked the title]

Other titles (because this one’s generic as hell:

Living Martyrs ** (For the chapter where both Vic’s screwup and Freddy’s accident are revealed)

It’s Always the Helpful People -

Seven Crooks Walk Into an ‘Abandoned’ Cabin

The Things We Get For Being Nice *

Dead Men Do Tell Tales

Won’t You Help Me? * Please Help Me, Don’t You Love Me?

Poster Boy **

A Teachable Moment

At Last, Under Stars** (Very sentimental) (Chapter title towards the end?)

No Face, No Problems

Breaking My Back (Just To Know Your Name)

Paralyzer

Black Sheep* Counting Black Sheep, Where is Your Face, Mr. Black Sheep?

Birds in the Spider’s Nest

[last entry has no asterisk because when I wrote it down, it was just an instant 'Yes'. This title didn't come about until I was writing Matty's POV, and it just came to me. Writing's funny like that]

Summary: Cabin in the Woods-style tale, likely not supernatural. Up in Northern California, where Freddy visits in the summer an old Newandyke cabin. It belonged to his parents, who vacationed here with their son throughout his childhood, spending whole summers here. Then, early in high school, there was a falling out with his uncle, and the place was abandoned, but not sold. Vague memories of times gone by litter his mind, and Freddy, forced into early retirement,, goes back to this cabin, to sell it, restore, whatever, maybe even find answers.

Note: Organized crime tries to keep from killing the following: civilians and cops. Anyone not part of their way of life, essentially. After a job, though? On the run, trying to lay low? When shit’s starting to go sideways, and you want someone, anyone, to blame?

Joe Cabot has plans in San Francisco, and wants a hideout for after the job. He recalls a cabin one of his old employees used, and decides to head there, knowing for the most part that it’s abandoned. He even sends a couple of people out beforehand to check, which of course proves him right. They set the meetup and get the job done.

Larry pays for the gas inside the station, and is struck by how damn cute one of the patrons is. Light flirting ensues, with the stranger happily returning it. There’s something oddly familiar about him, though, that Larry can’t quite put his finger on. The stranger, Freddy’s the name, mentions heading to his cabin for the weekend, and Larry says ‘same’. ‘Where to?’ ‘Oh, such-and-such’ Freddy freezes, saying, ‘you sure about that? that’s my cabin’ ‘I misspoke’ ‘I don’t think you did’ ‘You knew (uncle’s name)?’ ‘Yeah, he was my uncle’ ‘he told us we could use it’ ‘he’s dead’ ‘years ago’ ‘sure’ Freddy sighs. ‘I’ve got the keys. Which one’s your car?’ ‘Why?’ ‘Because I’d rather let you in and supervise y’all getting blasted than have a busted lock and god knows what else to replace’

Caught in more ways than one, Larry agrees, and practically sprints ahead of Freddy to get to his car first, and let them know of the latest developments. He’s riding with Joe, who makes the call: bring the guy along. No one say nothing, and let the bastard play host. He’s probably on the level, anyhow. Can’t change the hideout now, and play along. If he gets to be trouble, kill him. “But it was so-and-so’s nephew!” Kill him quickly, then.

They get to the cabin, Larry with Freddy as the latter goes to unlock the door, while Joe gets word to the other car about what’s happening. Jokes about Larry not being able to keep it in his pants ensue, with Pink of course being a nervous wreck. Joe mentions to Blue this early on that Larry may not have it in him to do the deed, should it need doing, and Blue agrees to pick up the slack.

A few more code names are made up on the spot, to protect Eddie and Joe just a little: Eddie is Red, for obvious reasons, and Joe is Black. Pink and Brown grumble and huff at this, but Joe tells them to can it; he’s in charge, he can give himself whatever name he pleases. Freddy’s only weirded out a little by it, then figures he wouldn’t want to share his legal name either with someone whose house you were just about to break into and squat in. Joe says they’ve used this for a while now, years even. That When his uncle would hang out with them, he’d go by Orange, and you can use that around us if you want. A test, to see how in the know he is, how comfortable Freddy can be with them. He agrees, because he’s bored out of his mind, and more than a little curious. He might also just be thinking with his dick, who could blame him?

As much as Freddy hate having to retire, it was apparently easier than he expected to leave his policing ways behind. 

How did Freddy get hurt? Maybe he took a metaphorical bullet for his newbie partner, Marvin Nash. Recycle a plot-point from Orphan, where Freddy’s now in Steve’s position, Marvin in Larry’s. Only difference is that where Larry left the Marines after a year, Marvin stuck with the LAPD. How we might even get another appearance from Marvin, or maybe not. Not his district, after all. ALTERNATIVE: he was never injured, but a mental health issue/disease came up, something completely out of his control.

How long has it been since Freddy’s forced retirement? Maybe recently, explaining the boredom/cabin fever. Six months?

Freddy’s injury? Concussion? Damage to his eyes? Completely physically healed, but has PTSD? Full on limb prosthesis? Spinal injury? OR: Freddy’s disease/MHI?

Freddy starts asking around what the crew knew of his uncle, what he did for a living, for fun, so on. How he doesn’t remember much of him, but gets this sense of panic when he thinks too long about his uncle.

NEW DRAFT FOR FIC: First idea was for it to be about Demons or Vampires, with Freddy being the supernatural entity. Then to have it based completely in reality. The problem with option two is that the fic veers too closely to ‘Orphan’s premise. So, idea three: the cabin is haunted by the ghost of Freddy’s uncle, who’s trying to warn him about the danger he’s in, specifically with the people in Joe’s crew that helped kill him.

How at first clear signs of a haunting begin after Joe’s guys initially stake out the place, and rumors start circulating in the time between then and Freddy’s trip up there. How people start talking about it and then clam up when Freddy’s around, because while they get a kick out of speculating about his dead uncle, they actually liked Freddy’s parents, and, in turn, him. When Freddy and the crew stay up there, odd sounds and movement are chocked up to the amount of people crashing at a place meant for half their number. It takes a lot for it to get spooky, maybe in the form of one of them hearing the uncle’s voice, but not someone who met him in life, like Pink or Brown.

Visual hallucinations; when the uncle appears, he looks so much like Freddy, at least in body type/height, hair all in his face, that the group mistakes the sightings as Freddy. Only the likes of Joe or Vic know better, because they actually saw the clothes the uncle died in.

1974: Freddy would be 13, middle school age. Blonde would be 17, high school drop-out? Maybe fudged his age to get in the group sooner? 

The uncle’s death: Drug overdose, Joe with protege Vic let him die? Maybe Larry’s there, with Vic under his wing. They try saving the uncle, but all seems lost. Larry goes out to the car for something, doesn’t see when the uncle wakes up. See, either roll with the accident, or that Joe wanted him dead, but knew that Larry would fight him on it. Joe finishes the job with Vic’s help. They get a head start on concealing the guy’s body before Larry can get back down there. As far as Larry’ knows, the uncle OD’d.

Why kill the uncle? What if he took the blame for something Vic did? Tried to give the kid some slack, and got heat from Joe for it? Like, “I’m already a screw up, won’t do me much harm. You being so new, best you kept your nose clean.” Except that Joe was already at his wit’s end with the uncle, and was waiting for the last straw. The tragedy is that the uncle didn’t do the thing, and was actually being selfless. ‘You were a liability, I couldn’t have you around’ ‘I was covering for the kid!’ ‘Well, it would’ve been something, eventually’ ‘Really? I’d inevitably be a screw-up? That’s why you killed me?!’

Scene image: Freddy’s been locked down in the basement, as his uncle’s ghost starts to take over. Grabs a sledgehammer from the corner of the room, and begins to smash up the floor of concrete. The feeling of rage becomes more intense, reaching a feverish pitch. The first bit of clothing is spotted, and the tool is thrown aside. Freddy uses his hands to clear away rubble, tearing skin, breaking fingernails. When bone is spotted, Freddy slowly looks up the staircase, if looks can kill. He lets out an unearthly scream.

There’s banging on the door to the basement. The crew stares in horror at the sounds that come from the other side. The wood rattles on its hinges. white fights to get to the door, being held back by some of the others. Finally, though, he breaks free, and tries for the door. It’s locked, he doesn’t have the key. Suddenly, and without warning (LOL) a hand bursts through the door. Bloodied fingers reach for anything and everything. One of the other guys, maybe Brown, comes rushing forward with a knife. four of Freddy’s fingers go flying, and he screams. It’s just Freddy again, and Larry wants desperately to get to him. “Please, help me.” Freddy whispers, “Don’t you want to help me?” and oh Larry does, he can taste the desperation on his tongue. “Don’t you love me?” Something about it doesn’t sit right with him, and Larry asks, “Who are you talking to?” “My darling nephew, of course.” and the fingers lift off of the ground into Freddy’s awaiting hand, sealing back into place with bloody seams for sutures.

STORY STRUCTURE: Main chapter is in the present (1992) and the ends of chapters are in the past, maybe a mix of the uncle and Vic’s POV’s. 

ENDS OF CHAPTERS: One: Vic meeting the likes of Larry and the uncle for the first time, lying about his age. Larry’s meant to take Vic under his wing, and the uncle’s deemed to bad of an influence.

Two: Vic is on his own, and has made a big mistake. He feels too much shame to call Larry, so he gets ahold of the uncle. The latter tells the former not to worry about it, he’ll take the heat. He’s the company screwup, he can take another hit.

Three: Joe, Larry, Vic and the uncle are on a trip up to the uncle’s cabin. Larry and Vic are last-minute additions, and Joe’s low-key pissed about it. When they arrive at the cabin, the uncle starts reacting badly to one of the drugs he took. They rush him inside, Larry taking charge in trying to save him. Joe keeps insisting that Larry leave for help, for a guy Joe knows, all to send him on a wild goose chase. When Larry’s gone, Vic is ordered to help Joe dispose of the uncle’s body. ‘But Larry’s getting help’ ‘The bastard’s dead. Nothing more to do for him’ Cut to the uncle waking up.

Four: The uncle wakes up, from his POV, and recognizes what’s being done, that Joe’s getting ready to make him disappear. He starts to freak out, to which Joe hits him, again and again, finishing what he’d started. Vic asks why, and Joe explains that the last straw was the uncle’s most recent screw-up, AKA Vic’s screw-up. They get the uncle in concrete before Larry gets back.

Freddy and Uncle bonding moments: Freddy may not have had a rebellious phase, but he did have an uncle that satisfied his curiosity. First drink, first smoke. Each time Freddy’s caught, uncle would just say “I won’t tell if you won’t tell.” Sneaking some vodka from his uncle’s stash, making a face and an exaggerated gagging sound, he’s interrupted by Uncle turning on the light, and Freddy has to just barely stop himself from spilling the plastic bottle. Uncle says, “Thanks for the save. I’d be more pissed if you wasted any.” Isn’t mean at all, trying to be sarcastic more than anything else. First smoke, and Freddy panics, remembering their first talk about not liking any wastage, just holding the smoldering smoke a few inches away from his face, terrified. Uncle just sits right there beside him, gets out his own cig, does a few puffs, asks if the kid wants to see a trick. Freddy, not sure if it’s a trap, slowly nods. Uncle then proceeds to show Freddy how to blow smoke rings. Maybe cut to the present and have Freddy doing this same action, White getting a kick out of it.

[I did make an attempt at including Vic/Freddy in this fic, but it didn't pan out/was too weird considering how long Vic and Larry have known each other. What's really funny is that, despite removing the few references to it from the story, at least one person was able to pick up on it XD Essentially Vic/Freddy is a very tiny Draft #3]

Parallel between Freddy and VIc: Sense of survivor’s guilt. Freddy had been in an accident where a driver had a stroke/heart attack and hit Freddy’s parked car. Freddy was really hurt, had to retire from the PD, and the other guy died. On top of all this, his former coworkers are paranoid and convinced that the dead driver did this on purpose, as Freddy was on-duty and in his squad car. They harass the surviving family members, and Freddy’s pissed when he finds out. They’ve just taken up this cause in his name and are making people suffer with it, and don’t give a fuck about what Freddy wants/would do. On Vic’s end, feeling guilty for surviving when Matthew died for Vic’s fuckup, and Vic witnessing first-hand what could have easily been done to himself. Trauma bonding! [what's interesting is that I hate the concept of martyrdom, so it's a little odd to dip into it here, but weirdly cathartic. A fun little addition is that, in the story, Freddy feels like he might as well have died in that accident, not only because it's another instance of being surrounded by death, but also because his coworkers have martyred him, and are treating him like he's already gone, twisting his accident into something it never was]

Towards the end of the story (draft #2) They’re supposed to be at the cabin for two weeks, then ditch Freddy on the road so he can walk the rest of the way. So, it comes as a hell of a surprise when, at dinner, Freddy starts freaking out, asking what they put in his food and drink. White is terrified because it reminds him a lot of what happened with Matty, and he knows that Freddy knows this, too, and that it’s probably adding to the kid’s panic. Joe just calmly remarks that it’s a sleeping aid, while Larry knows fucking better. Wants to take him to a hospital. Joe says no, they’re leaving, and that the kid will be out for several hours, so they can a head start. Larry is stunned, because Joe gave a longer timeline, gave his word, knew about what happened to the uncle all those years before. Joe gives Larry a choice; either Larry carries the kid down to the basement, or he has Vic throw him down from the top of the stairs. Larry makes to carry Freddy out the front door, when he’s knocked out. Coming to, he sees Eddie and Vic arguing, and Eddie shove Freddy down the stairs. A sickening snap, and Larry’s heart breaks.

Why Joe goes back on his word: Throughout the week, there’s multiple appearances of Matty that’s mistaken for Freddy. This time, it involves Joe waking in the middle of the night, seeing a figure standing outside the window, staring at him. There is no face, and Joe does his best to not look at it, terrified, then realizes, by the clothes, it must be Freddy. Looks down, sees the bag of loot beside him. Looks back up, and the figure is gone. He now thinks Freddy knows what they’ve got, might be looking to take it for himself. The next day, when he asks Larry, Freddy’s designated guard, if Freddy got out last night, he of course says no. ‘Are you sure? What about when you were asleep?’ Usually, Freddy’s on the couch and Larry sleeps in the chair, except last night, it would’ve been impossible for Freddy to sneak out; he and Larry fucked and cuddled together, falling asleep just like that. Larry doesn’t say all that, to not get either of them in trouble, and just says he knows for certain Freddy didn’t get out. This lack of detail leads to Joe being convinced of his earlier assumption.

Thrown down the stairs; the ultimate nightmare become reality. Has Hill House done it first? Yes. But, this ain’t sleep paralysis, so it’s just different enough. Freddy, fully paralyzed this time, can only blink, breathe, swallow, talk a little. Can’t move otherwise. His Uncle appears to him again, and says he can help him, but that king of power is costly. Freddy’s going to die, elsewise. Life for a life, help me kill Joe Cabot. Freddy doesn’t know who this is, because everyone’s using a codename. Matt takes it as, ‘so you want to hear my backstory?’ and we get the final (second-to-last?) flashback, of Vic and Joe in the basement with Matty’s body. 

Creepy instance in chapter three: Brown, the cautious believer, sees ‘Freddy’ staring out the window. tries calling to him, but he doesn’t respond. Brown just goes to get some water, turns around, and Freddy’s gone… back to the couch. Sound asleep. He describes it to a POV character the next morning, and is brushed off as working himself up with all the local ghost nonsense.

Creep for chapter four roughly: Again, at night. but this time it’s Larry. He’s up, coming back from taking a piss or something. Goes by the kitchen, where he sees Freddy in his day clothes, bent over, front half hidden by the island counter. There’s the sound of pots and pans being shuffled about, but strangely Larry sees nothing moved, even as ‘Freddy’ motions something being moved. He tries asking what the kid’s looking for, getting silence. A few more words, and Freddy asks, sitting up on the couch, ‘who are you talking to?’ There’s the sound of something being unlatched, and the form begins to stand. Larry thinks he sees it out of the corner of his eye, his blood running cold, but it’s gone the moment he turns.

[next part will cover draft #1]

#reservoir dogs #fanfic #writers #writing #extras #nerdy shit #behind the scenes

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Commercialization of Love

The amount of red and pink I see every where this time of year makes me think, does this type of environment actually cultivate love in its realest sense? I've always only seen Valentine's Day as a commercial holiday to sell heteronormative ideas of relationships, but this one feels off since it's the first one since the Dobbs ruling: meaning the authoritative societal messaging suggests more babies out of wedlock are surely wanted. Us polyam folk have a very different view of what love actually is, and next week culminates through to the end of cuffing season so to speak. My perspective? Valentine's Day is meant to push monogamous possession as valuable on the alloromantic.

I criticize possession a lot, it's the worst part of how Eurocentric emotional competency is built because the nuclear family unit was so essential for stable population growth in the hellholes where white people lived up until 18th century. Every single activity this time next week is built for a pair with a specific romantic connotation, no semblance of recognition towards a diversity of circumstance: y'know, like the human experience is. Anecdotally speaking, my most romantic months are July and November way before February, so Valentine's Day explicitly volunteers itself to those who put materialism on a pedestal in their lives. Is it any coincidence there's a high correlation between a person's sense of materialism and how possessive they're likely to be in relationships? The question is difficult to answer, let alone prove, but, at least from what I've observed, placing value in objects and events based on capital factors is an expression of negative morality, at minimum.

A partner who insists on making today of all days special, their effort being readily predictable and in sync with marks on a calendar know how to feign what it means to be happy for the sake of social appearances. Every strong romantic bond sees this time of year as any other time of year, not much going on besides discount chocolate the day after. Love is great, so much so I'm part of the weird minority of people believe we shouldn't be locked into the feeling with only one person to experience it properly, but this was never the way to celebrate it. A random weekday where every dining establishment only takes reservations, you're expected to interrupt the normal weekly grind to dedicate time to your relationship you wouldn't otherwise? Too much feels like capitalism is aromantic because putting a limit on love, limiting it to a setting or a circumstance, quickest way to kill the spark for me.

Timing is an excuse a person uses when they don't think you're worth the obstacles it would take to be together. Creating said timing makes so much of the socially conventional effort behind this time of year artificial at best, disingenuous at worst. Good timing can make things more convenient, but real love will never be cultivated on convenience alone. What does making things more convenient achieve, having an excuse to have a valentine? To possess the other person for that time frame. Sustaining that level of effort into the spring equinox, the real event on this planet that should symbolize the start of life, is almost never done. Probably one reason I like white day so much; it could be an extension of the possessive elements, but it's unapologetic about the effort it takes to maintain it. Possession, timing, materialism ... they all represent the fakest aspects of normative romance, and that's everything the commercial environment around us this time of year is.

Capital systems are built on the alloromantic and the allosexual, there's no doubt about that. Doesn't really feel like we benefit from this "celebration" of amorousness in our culture if we really evaluate it. Politicians and evangelical christians just want us to fuck each other so we produce more laborers in future generations for them, since all they're trying to do is make it impossible to exercise reproductive control. Life begins the moment a viable carrier of a pregnancy is penetrated, according to these whack-jobs. Unless all the red and pink we see is wishing women have their next period before the start of spring, something I could get behind at least.

More original text posts coming soon, promise!

#valentine's day #valentine #valentine's month #valentine's 2023

[i-will-physically-fight-you]

One Word Prompt: Fish

Title: Scaled and Icy

Pairing: Platonic, familial Logince

Summary: “Oh, Virgil is going to hate him. He’s going to erupt in a rant about Logan being too impulsive as if Logan doesn't think out every action in a methodical manner.” Or. Logan decides to adopt an abandoned human child. 

Word-Count: 1k

Warnings: Dubious Morally Grey Logan, Merfolk But They’re Like Fae!, Presumed Child Abandonment, Slightly Unreliable Narrator, Transformation, Emotional Manipulation, Mentioned Cannibalism (Kinda), Angst With a Kinda Happy Ending, Don’t Worry Roman’s fine, Probably, It’s Dark Fairytale Vibes Okay

Here, have another eldritch logan adopts a child au! 

-

"You're like a fish!" The human child crows, his brown eyes alit with both wonder and joy. He couldn't be much older than three, possibly four. Which is all the more concerning, really, for where is his parents?

Logan blinks. "Not entirely but yes, I do share similar characteristics to them."

"Fish, fishy, fish-man!" The child declares, pudgy fingers reaching to touch Logan's bioluminescent blue scales.

"A-aahah--" Logan begins, moving slightly back, "Please refrain from touching people without asking their permission first."

He tilts his head, golden brown locks falling over his eyes. "Pleeeease can I?"

"Of course, thank you for asking."

The human child's face brightens at this. He reaches again, this time delicately touching Logan's scales with care.

"Whoa," The human child breathes in, "It'ssocool."

He then draws the hand away, resting it against the sandy shore. "My name is Roman and I wanna be a prince! What's your name?"

"You may call me Logic," Logan smiles, showing a slip of his sharp needle-like teeth. There's several rows of them unlike a human’s set of teeth.

This terrifies most humans, but not Roman who possesses the boundless courage of childhood. He leans closer, face scrunching up.

"Logic's a silly name." He declares.

Logan laughs, "Well good thing it's not my true name."

"It's a pretend name? Like make-believe?"

"Essentially, yes. You shouldn't give names away, they have power."

Roman doesn't seem to heed Logan's words, instead protesting, "Well, then, I wanna be Prince Romanul-us-ulus--Romulus then!"

Logan lets out a low, crooning noise, one generally meant to console young merlings. He never expected himself to so enchanted with a child, let alone a human one. Yet the instinctual parental drive is stronger than he thought.

"Well, Roman, would you like to be a prince?" Oh, Virgil is going to hate him. He’s going to erupt in a rant about Logan being too impulsive as if Logan doesn't think out every action in a methodical manner.

"Well, yeah!" Because Roman needs someone to look after him. His parents are clearly not doing a great job of it. He could've gotten swept up in the waves and died if not for Logan.

"Take my hand, come with me then, Roman." This is something the Ocean surely wills. She offered Roman to Logan and he must honor that.

"Okay!" Roman says, eagerly taking Logan's webbed hand.

And it's all Logan needs to pull the child underneath the water, wrapping his arms tightly before Roman can squirm away. Oh, how the child thrashes, his human instincts kicking in and trying to get him to go towards the surface.

It's alright though, it won't last long. Logan sings, thanking the Ocean for Roman. He won't beg for the Ocean to be merciful because the Ocean is not merciful. The Ocean will either let Roman live or She won't. It's something humans seem to fail to understand, time and time again, as they try their hardest to thwart Her will with their contraptions.

Soon Roman's thrashes go weak and the child is limp, heavy in his arms. Logan hums, rocking the child gently back and forth. His grin widens at the slits forming on the child's neck, acting as the opening for gills.

It's the only warning he receives as Roman's eyes reopen, a fiery red hue, as a piercing wail escapes his lips. The child’s soft, rounded baby teeth fall out as little rows of new merling teeth replace them. Still not full-grown teeth, but better at tearing through raw fish than a human’s dull teeth ever could.

"I know, I know," Logan croons, stroking his golden brown locks, "It'll be over soon."

Roman is not the first human Logan has seen the Ocean take as Her own. Virgil was one of the first Logan witnessed. He’d fallen overboard off a human ship, too young to know how to swim. Logan’s pod circled around his sinking figure, tails whipping with fervent excitement.

“He’s an offering from the Ocean,” Logan’s father had whispered to him, “Either he’s meant to become one of the Ocean’s children or he’ll perish and we’ll feast on his flesh.”

Virgil survived, snapping and clicking with the ferocity of a bullshark. Logan has an inkling Roman will be the same as his wails become more of a hissing, shrill noise. 

His ears has elongated, tipped with small winged fins. Similar fins appear on the backside of his elbows and Logan suspects on his back as well. The most important part, of course, is when the human’s pair of tails conjoin together to become one. This is where many prove their unworthiness to be one of the Ocean’s own. They perish, a mockery of what a Mer should be; malformed and incomplete, a disgrace to the Ocean.

“Shhh, shhh, Roman, let the Ocean accept you as one of Her own, don’t fight it,” Logan continues crooning, adjusting his grip so he is only holding onto the upper half of Roman’s body. The sliver of Roman’s soul that is still human tries to use this to kick at Logan, to dislodge his grasp. 

But this is hard when the tails become stiff, rigid as they become one, shimmering as ruby scales overtake soft flesh. The outerwear humans are fond of wearing tears, ripping to shreds as its unable to handle Roman’s growing unified tail. The tail itself almost makes up his original height but not quite. Roman’s tail twitches once, then several times.

“Rather an odd sensation for you I imagine, hmm?” Logan comments, tracing the edge of Roman’s finned ear fondly. Oh thank the Ocean, he never thought he’d be happy to have a child of his own until this moment.

Roman opens his eyes again, a good proper glowing red hue. “F-fishyman--Logic?”

“Yes?”

“I--I’m a fish too?”

“No, Roman, you’re not a fish. You’re like me--you’re one of the Ocean’s children now.”

“O-ooh. But why? It hurt so much!” Roman pouts, tail lashing angrily.

“That’s simply how it is, little prince,” Logan hums.

“Well, I don’t like it! Can I change back? I wanna see my mom and dad.”

“Now, Roman, you can’t do that. Your parents left you, they weren’t watching you like they should and now I will take care of you. You want to be a prince now, don’t you, Roman? Roman, you will be a prince and you’ll be so excited you’ll forget those humans ever existed, alright?”

Foolish, foolish humans. They really should’ve taught their child about the importance of names. That’s alright, Logan will teach Roman now and keep him safe.

“I do wanna be a prince, I’m going to be a prince, right?” Roman murmurs, yawning. The process of becoming one of the Ocean’s own is a tiring one. He snuggles closer to Logan, curling his tail around Logan. Something Mer instinctively do, to ensure they won’t drift away from their loved ones when they fall asleep. Logan smiles at this.

“Yes of course,” Logan soothes, “You’ll be my little prince and I won’t ever let any harm come to you.” 

#sanders sides #logan sanders #roman sanders #kat writes #logince

[addictedtojmanga]

Shoujo manga recommendations - otome game isekai

So, after 10+ years reading shoujo manga, I’ve read over 1k titles, admittedly, a reasonable amount is one-shot (or at least a collection of), but nonetheless, over time I had to expand my interests.

Lately, I’ve started reading the otome game isekai genre, and decided it’d be nice to share the ones I thought were best.

Most of them are pretty much the same, but the best ones usually have a twist, so...

! Warning: You’ll most likely want to beat up 1 or 2 characters from each one, but worry not, so do I and the other characters

1. Fiancée's Observation Log of the Self-proclaimed Villainess

Crown prince Cecil was so brilliant that everything in life was easy to the point of boring him, then one day, his fiancée Bertia suddenly said "Prince Cecil, I am a villainess!" Claiming that this world is the same as that of an "otome game" from her past life and that she is playing the role of the "villainess" in it, she aims to play her part well and have their engagement annulled. With that goal in mind, she sets about causing turmoil in Cecil's daily life.

This one definitely takes the gold for me. Super sweet and pretty funny.

2. My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

Most people would prefer being the protagonist of a world full of adventure, be it in a game or in another world. But, unfortunately, a certain girl is not so lucky. Regaining the memories of her past life, she realizes that she was reborn in the world of Fortune Lover—one of the games she used to play. Unfortunately, the character she was reincarnated into—Katarina Claes—is the game's main antagonist, who faces utter doom in every ending. Using her extensive knowledge of the game, she takes it upon herself to escape from the chains of this accursed destiny. However, this will not be an easy feat, especially since she needs to be cautious as to not set off death flags that may speed up the impending doom she is trying to avoid. Even so, to make a change that will affect the lives of everyone around her, she strives—not as the heroine—but as the villainess.

This one takes 2nd place! It has a different result than others, and the FL is great - everyone is, to be fair.

3. Of Course I’ll Claim Palimony

"I'll annul our engagement!" My fiancé suddenly declared?! Apparently he's in love with the recently transferred count's daughter and is planning on making me the villain in order to annul the engagement. Although I have no lingering attachments about the engagement, I do have to claim a hefty consolation fee don't I?

This is sooo good. The FL is spectacular and manages to stand out - even if just a bit - from the rest of the genre.

4. I’m a Villainous Daughter, so I’m going to keep the Last Boss

Avoid the BAD END! That's the goal of the villainess in this plot-twisting story!! She has been reborn into the world of an otome game as the villainess, Irene. Using her memories of her former life, she recognizes flags indicating she's en-route to the bad end, so she makes a plan to conquer the last boss (the evil king Claude), make him her lover, and see if she can open up a new route!

Pretty funny, and the FL is bold. Also, the ML is a bishounen.

It’s one of the few mangas from this genre that has been completely translated, and since it only has 13 chapters, it’s a good way to start out.

5. The Plain & Unnoticeable Me is No More

Elaine Lana Norris, who was born at the top of the aristocratic daughter, was declared abandoned by her second fiancé at the school's founding party. Lana, who has been made a villain daughter, is driven out of her home by a strict grandfather. But there is a secret in Lana that everyone doesn't know about?

I don’t want to give out any spoilers, however, it suffices to say that she accepts her role as the villainess.

Ok, I think these 5 are my favorite, but the ones below have been selected as well, so they’re still pretty good and worth reading.

6. The Villiainess Is Adored by the Crown Prince of the Neighboring Kingdom    

Tiararose was supposed to be disengaged and exiled from the country. “This was the Otome game I had played!” She realized on the day before the story’s ending??……. Shall I wait for the judgment? But, I did not do anything too cruel……. Thinking so, the ending continues. But, during the judgement??something that was not possible in the game happened. The neighboring crown prince courted the villainous daughter Tiararose.

ML: 10/10 FL: 8/10 (too insecure for my taste)

7. Endo and Kobayashi’s Live Commentary on the Villainess

She’s always putting on that grumpy face even though she’s not actually that upset! Oh, why can’t she just be honest with herself…!??? She is a tsundere, after all? When her embarrassment levels exceed a certain limit, she will explode into anger. However, the point that she’s suppressing under the surface is that she wouldn’t mind that sort of thing if it were in a less public place.? As Endo-kun passionately reacts to the antics of Lady Liselotte, the villainess of an otome game, Kobayashi-san provides a painstaking breakdown of her tsundere behaviour. Suddenly, one person could hear their voices; Liselotte’s fiancée, Prince Siegward. That is where this story begins.

8. I’m the Villainess, but the Capture Targets are too Abnormal  

The villainess, Mystia, remembered her past life on her 10th birthday and has unwittingly turned the characters in the otome game "Kyun Kyun Love School" into yanderes! In order to avoid becoming the love rival of the "heroine" who will lead her to her downfall, she starts making every effort to break off her engagement with her "prince-like classmate"! That’s was what supposed to happen...But, because of her kind personality, her favorability increased instead!

It’s still in its beginning stages, but seems pretty solid.    

9. Though I May Be a Villainess, I'll Show You I Can Obtain Happiness!  

A collection of one shots.

Great way to start out, it has quite a few options, so if you don’t like one, give another one a try!

10.  The Villainess, Cecilia Silvie, Doesn't Want to Die, So She Decided to Cross-dress!      

I was reincarnated into the body Cecilia Silvie, the villainess of an otome game. According to the plot, what awaits me in the normal route is either a slow, painful death or an instantaneous one... Essentially, every route leads to my demise. Then I'll change my fate! And that's why I decided to become a man. However, I made a mistake during a certain event, and the story began to head down an unexpected path...?

I haven’t seen any other like this, and if you like gender bender, this one’s for you!

11.  I’ll Become a Villainess That Will Go Down in History ― The More of a Villainess I Become, the More the Prince will Dote on Me

Alicia is the eldest daughter of the noble Williams family—a bloodline that excels in dark magic. Her jet-black hair and golden eyes command a powerful presence, but her most unique features are, without a doubt, her sharp tongue and malevolent nature. By all means, she is a villainess, but also a fictional character from an otome game!

12. I’m Not a Villainess!! Just Because I Can Control Darkness Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bad Person!

The novel The Saint Beloved by the Prince is set in the land of Lacia, where spirits control the elements, each of which is overseen by a "Spirit King." On rare occasions, these Spirit Kings may bless a single human, granting them immense magical control over their respective element. The heroine, Amelia Logan, and the villainess, Claudia Leitzya, are two sides of the same coin, blessed by the Light and Dark Spirit Kings respectively. However, while Amelia is beloved, Claudia is hated and rejected due to her dark skin, ebony locks, and aptitude for dark magic. After dying in modern-day Japan, Sakura is reborn as an infant Claudia. While difficult at first, Claudia tries to adjust to this new life, all the while accompanied by the Dark Spirit King Gerald. But even this task is far from easy; people fear her at first glance, no matter how she acts toward them. Still, Claudia is set on changing her fate from the novel, proving she is a good person and breaking free from the shackles of a "villainess."

13. Rebirth of the Villainess: The Life of Letizia after the Engagement Annulment      

For some reason, the duke's daughter, Letizia, was plotting to break her engagement with the prince. Her plan succeeded and the prince, none the wiser. But shortly after the engagement was terminated... The King collapsed! In that moment, she recalled her memories of her past life as a nurse and she fully utilised her knowledge & experience as a nurse, to save the King's life. Thinking she had achieved what she wanted, she thought she could finally relax, drinking her favourite beverage and leisurely spend her time, she instead somehow keeps getting involved in incident after incident. The slow and peaceful life is now nothing but a dream!? Lazy daughter, busy seeking freedom and laziness!

14. I Won't Become a Villainess. I'm Just a "Normal" Duke's Daughter!

A Japanese person reincarnated into an otome game chock full of death flags for the villainess, Rosalind. "I'm going to live an enjoyable life in this world!" Making full use of the game knowledge to avoid death flags, for some reason events keep happening one after another?! Contracting with spirits, helping her father (the prime minister) with his work using her modern day knowledge, taking a walk with the holy beast... and on top of all that, even starting up the heroine's event...? Will Rosalind be able to smash through every unknown death flag that comes her way...?! And will she be able to be fluffy lovey-dovey with the supporting beastkin character she liked from her previous life?!

Cute. Has beasts.

15. Milady Just Wants to Relax      

She worked herself to death in her past life, but then she was reborn in another world as the villainess Ronia! As expected, her engagement is broken and she's expelled from society, but now she takes that chance to live peacefully, and even opens a cafe with the help of her fairy comrades, which is becoming unexpectedly popular with beast-kin...?

Also cute. Also has beasts.

16. I Swear I Won’t Bother You Again!            

Violette, a proud and beautiful daughter of a duke, commits a crime out of jealousy towards her half-sister. Convicted, Violet faces her own heart with sincerity in a prison cell and regrets her sin. Then time rewinds to a turning point—to her first meeting with Maryjun one year ago. Violette makes a decision. She will not make mistakes this time. Without committing a crime and bothering anyone, she will live an ordinary, plain and inconspicuous life...! However, incidents contrary to Violette's expectations occur one after another...?!

17. I Became a Villain Daughter

On her 15th birthday, Hinase Kaede, a young girl who was working as a part-timer, perished in a traffic accident. Upon her death, a self-proclaimed “God” appeared, declaring that Kaede would be brought back to life. However, Kaede’s happiness was short-lived and her soul was thrown into Erika, the villainess of an otome game! In the original game, Erika became a saint candidate alongside the heroine, committed evil deeds over the course of the candidacy, and ultimately faced condemnation. Thus, Kaede decides that she will not get close to the main characters of the game so as to avoid the bad end, but yet——?

#manga #shoujo #shojo #shoujo manga #shojo manga #manga cap #romance #otome game #isekai #mangacap #shoujo recommendation #bakarina #bertia #endo and kobayashi’s live commentary on the villainess #fiancée's observation log of the self-proclaimed villainess #villainess

[diplexchimera]

Hey people considering college-

I have some tips for you. Now, take into consideration that I am technically a college drop-out (didn't have enough money for a second semester).

- my college required Freshman to be in a campus dorm. We got to select whether we preferred someone quiet, someone loud, or someone in between. In my experience, someone loud = an extrovert who will have many people visit them, someone quiet = a person who prefers to keep their room more private, and someone in between = a person who wants their roommate to be okay with a noisy room & people over, but also wants to be able to say they need quiet time (or they aren't sure what they want, but want neither a silent room or a busy room).

- if you have to eat from the cafeteria, that's okay. They tend to have a wider selection anyway but! I would suggest memorizing the breakfast/lunch/dinner availability hours. Some schools are very strict, and will lock the doors which = a skipped meal for you.

-I would also suggest getting the app 'MyPlate Calorie Tracker'. College meals will most likely be different than what you've eaten at home and school. The MyPlate app is pretty simple, and can help you make sure you're getting the right amount of food into yourself, as opposed to too much or too little. If I remember correctly, it also keeps track of how much protein and stuff your food is supplying you.

- sugars, fats, calories, and carbs are not bad for you. Your body requires them. Your brain literally will not function if you cut out any one of those items. Remember, you don't need to avoid being fat, you need work today being healthy. Your body will sort itself out (over time dude, give it time) if you supply it with the necessary nutrients and such.

- dude, vitamins. They can be expensive, but if you have insurance, ask your doctor how much of every vitamin you should be having. They can tell you, give you a list, and they can ask your insurance if vitamins are covered. If you can't get to a doctor, try to do research. Here is one from Harvard that I think is good, but you should always cross check things. Getting all the vitamins and minerals you need is exceedingly important. They help you go to sleep, stay asleep, and wake up, help your brain and body to function and adjust, help keep you feeling healthy and happy. If you feel tired and depressed, it can be really difficult to accomplish tasks and enjoy/ appreciate being alive.

- I would not suggest starting your year by completing assignments before the start date of said assignments. For one, doing assignments as they come helps you get a feel for a natural schedule. Another reason is because it helps to be in the moment, instead of too far ahead to be able to keep track of what's going on and when. Wait until you have a hang of how and where to research, and a firm idea of how much you can hold onto mentally, so you don't fail tests. You'll also likely feel guilty later on when you begin to struggle to stay ahead as assignments get longer and more difficult.

- yo if you can get a used textbook that comes as a three ring binder instead of a hard or soft back, do it. It's cheaper, and so much easier to handle and copy. Heck, you can even take the pages out of the section you're using and put them in a folder -- boom, no more 40lb back pack. Also makes more room in any bag you use for the essentials, which I'll list next.

- here are some backpack essentials:

• earbuds, Bluetooth if possible. It's okay to have more than one type of listening device. "I prefer headphones!" You say. You can't hide over-the-ear headphones if you end up in a classroom which doesn't allow something like that. Sometimes you're just having a sucky day, sometimes you need extra stimulation to concentrate, sometimes you want to spend your time listening to a podcast that explains the current subject better than your teacher does. Sometimes you want to watch a movie casually. Earbuds also take up MUCH less space.

• an extra charging cable for every portable device you use. Roll them up, and secure each one individually with cable ties or bread bag twist ties. I say extra, as in, keep your original cords in your dorm room and Don't Take Them out. Get a secondary cable and charger for each device, and let them live in your backpack.

• 3 or 4 different colors of pen. Multiple colors, for whatever reason you want-- easily scanned notes, for different subjects, etc. These can serve a variety of purposes, and you never know when you need them.

• 3 regular pencils, and a good hand sharpener or silent mechanical sharpener. 3 in case the other two get broken lead or happen to suck. Regular pencils can be finicky.

• 2 mechanical pencils. 2 in case one of them fails, runs out of lead, or the lead breaks up.

• decoy pens and pencils! Get as cheap or expensive as you want. At some point, someone is likely to ask for one, and you don't want someone else using your favorites. You also may not get them back, or they get broken. I would suggest a couple of each, as it may happen in more than one class. You don't have to have decoys, but that way, at least you don't have to choose between either feeling guilty for not loaning out the items you like, or being uncomfortable that you did have to loan one. If you loan the decoys out, and don't get any back, and someone asks you for a utensil later that day, you have both a convenient reason you don't have an extra you're willing to share, and you already put the minimum effort towards being prepared.

• Water! You're going to get so dang dehydrated! You're going to have full days, much of the time, from trekking across campus, to class time, to meal times, to study time, to hang out time -- you need to have water with you, as opposed to having to track it down, and possibly have to pay for a bottle of water. Hydration is a main component in bodily functionality and brain processes. I would suggest a minimum of a 30-ish ounce container of any sort. A plastic water bottle you refill, a thermos, a sippy cup, a hydro flask, a camp flask, whatever works for you.

• I would say snacks. If you're eating meals throughout the day, I guess they aren't "technically" essential, but can confidently say, they are useful. Snacks can be an energy boost, a brain function boost, a hunger soother, a friend-maker, or just plain stimulation. Cut up some apple slices, maybe grab some peanut butter, or a portion of nuts, or a tangerine, crackers, pretzels, chips, the choice is yours. It helps if you can get ahold of some of those cheap reusable silicone ziplock baggies. You can wash them to be used again, and you don't have to deal with carrying plastic trash around with you.

• a pair of socks. I know that sounds weird, but it doesn't take up much space, and weird stuff happens. They get wet, or it's hot and your feet get sweaty and yucky, or food get spilled on your feet. Stuff happens.

• b12 tablets. They work with your system in a healthy way, as opposed to caffeine, and does the same trick. Just follow the directions on the bottle, and may I suggest, start with half the recommended dose. It affects different people more or less. My husband takes the recommended two, while I only need a half. We both have adhd, and are closely similar in body weight. If you need a wake up boost, don't slam your system with caffeine.

• baby wipes. You can get a small pack, and they can help clean up almost anything. Someone spill sticky tea? Got it. Fell and scraped a knee, and it has dirt all over it? Baby wipes and a little water. Need to blow your nose, and there are no tissues, or just feel like you need to rinse your face off in class? You're covered.

• chapstick is a very small item, but Lordy Lord if those classrooms aren't parched of all moisture in the air. You gone get cracked, chapped lips.

That's kinda it for now on backpack essentials. There is definitely more you could have, so supplement whatever helps you. You could add a hairbrush or comb, a hat and rain jacket for cold weather times, sunscreen during the hot times, hair ties and bobby pins, etc. It's all for you pal.

- keep in touch with your professors. Make yourself known to them. An occasional casual compliment is often helpful, and a good way to connect (you explained stuff really well today/your teaching style is helpful/I appreciated you taking time to answer my questions). They are people after all.

- if you have stuff going on, let your professors know. If your pet is sick at home and you're worried about them, give your professors a heads-up that you may seem less attentive that week, but that it isn't disinterest. If you figure out you have depression, and you're struggling to complete assignments/sleep/wake-up, tell them. Let them know you don't expect special treatment, you just wanted them to know that it isn't due to immaturity or lack of interest.

- always do studying and homework first. If you're able to accomplish these things while with friends, that's great, but if you can tell you're struggling, prioritize schoolwork. You'll have time for fun stuff later, usually later that evening.

- it's okay to drop a class. In fact, if you severely dislike a class, don't understand the coursework, or you realize you've taken on too much at once, it's better for your overall wellness and your grades if you drop it. If you have a professor suggest you drop a class in mean way, don't feel like you have to prove them wrong. This is your experience, and they can stuff it for being a rude brat. You don't need to prove yourself to them, and you cannot control their thoughts or actions.

- try to take classes that happen twice a week, which start later in the day than 8 am, at least for your first semester. There is a lot going on in college. A lot of changes to acclimate to. Take it a little easier at first, to give yourself time to work out what all is where, and how everything works.

Well, that's the end of 'dip's (college) tips' for now.

#dip shares stuff #stuff to know #dip's tips #college

[mannien]

Mornings in Sheffield Park | TH - CHAPTER 1

The one with stress, takeout food around the world, late night walks, and Disney dreams.

Word count: 6.6k 

Warnings: some stress, some anxiety, mention of sex, and a lot of smiles

Masterlist

Fourth week into the morning pitch meetings at BBC, Millie felt lifeless and drained. The room was usually exploding with ideas, creative energy, and a lot of constructive feedback to the few interns who were allowed to join the conversation with editors, writers, and producers. That morning had started ugly enough for her: with an overwhelming number of e-mails about the schedule and missing content for Politics Live.

When she first landed her spot at BBC, Millie was over the moon. She was constantly calling it a dream come true, a once in a lifetime opportunity for her to begin a writing career in media. Her degree seemed to be the best choice for her future and Millie was ready to prove that graduating from humanities can actually land her a decent job. Her first days were filled with morning preparations, early commute to the city centre and exceptionally smoothed out shirts. The work environment in such a fast-paced industry felt inspiring and daunting at the same time, but Millie felt obligated to use this experience to its full potential. Each day she attempted to learn more than the day before and possibly show off a tiny bit more of her creative skills to her superiors. She spent her evenings researching topics and people, trying not to fall out of the loop. Being one step forward was hard work, one that Millie desperately wanted to ace.

The second week of her internship brought a slight shift to her agenda. After grasping the general concepts of working for a major radio and TV broadcasting company, she was aware of the production processes. She tried to happily follow up all the details about the work of a writer, a researcher, or an editor – just so she could be prepared for the follow-up of the introductory week. And as she hoped her interview was remembered and she would soon contribute to any program touching upon music or pop culture, her dreams and calls were slowly fading away. The intern manager ascribed her to the team devoted strictly to politics and daily news, having no vacancies for the popular radio programs. Even though she took whatever spot was offered, it was only to get more insight and experience.  

Having already managed to speak up a few times during the morning routines in the conference room, Millie eased herself into the work environment and was treated like a regular employee. But the first wave of success quickly passed, especially when she was hit with growing emptiness in her brain. She did not enjoy politics, so as far as she could, she attempted to sneak in a sociological aspect into the context. But her tactic had an expiration date.

A couple of heads were expectantly turned at Millie when she was unsurely stuttering her weak ideas for the upcoming programme. She knew it wasn’t going well and she was mentally cursing herself for trying to impress the producers that much so early on.

“This isn’t gonna work. We’ve covered this enough in the evening news. Let’s take five, and maybe you’ll come up with a different angle. I’ll give you another shot here.”

Hugh, the head writer took off his glasses and watched her fidget in her seat. She nodded and took a deep breath, before leaving the room for a short break. Her mind was racing in panic; she wasn’t ready to admit that she didn’t have any idea. She walked back and forth through the corridor until she cursed quietly and walked away to the main hall. She pulled her phone from the back pocket and without overthinking this anymore, she called her boyfriend. He picked up after the third ring.

“Babe, can I call you back…”

“No, Frank,” She felt determined and fierce. Her hands shook from the pure view on board members slowly coming back from the kitchen with fresh coffee mugs. They were probably waiting to hear her another take on the TV show which Millie, wholeheartedly, was beginning to hate. “My work on the programme is too basic and I’ve been roasted for the past fifteen minutes or so. Hugh has me in the spotlight in front of everyone. Help me, please?”

“It’s not your fault they’ve given you a job you’re not good at, babe. It’s just an internship, they will roast you anyway.”

Millie’s lungs were ready to stop working and suffocate her. She feared she might start hyperventilating, or at least meet up with a panic attack from the nerves. Franklin’s reaction seemed to be absolutely unfair and inconsiderate of her actual feelings, and he must have felt that through the piercing silence on the line.

“Look, I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t worry so much about it. They will probably just give you another placement where you’ll fit more, I don’t see why it’s such a bad thing.” And just like that, she started doubting herself and her right to overthink her situation. It didn’t sit well with Millie and she could feel anger slowly making its way through her veins.

“Can’t you just fucking help me? This one time?” She lost her temper, she lost her patience. At the same time Riley, one of the end writers, started waving at her from the end of the hall as to show her that her time is coming to an end. “I need a hook, or something that would spark a debate. Brexit-themed, maybe. Can you think of anything?”

Frank groaned loudly. He wasn’t exactly happy that she made him break down his ambitious wall and let her in on topics he was too invested in. Millie could hear him moving around as he left his desk of the equally large office of The Guardian, until the line went surprisingly quiet. Her anger and fear made her clutch her phone tightly to her ear, while her legs started carrying her slowly to the terrifying conference room.

“Think internationally. See what the Spanish had to say about May’s resignation from the Office. Think economics in the EU. Try to stand on the Union’s side and do some fair judgement.”

“Give me facts, not ideas. You’re the one who knows politics.”

“Spanish government says that May’s resignation is bad news. Compare it to the popular opinion that she was the worst Prime Minister since the 18th century and the American war on independence.” Millie breathed in, trying to desperately grasp all the details he just provided her with.

“That’s a… harsh and history-digging argument,” She mumbled in surprise, “where did you get that from?” She grabbed a yellow post-it note from the reception desk and quickly scribbled the key words on it. Her briefing on politics was never something like this and she could feel the embarrassment making its way into her heart. It wasn’t her way of thinking and she felt like a fraud.

“I can’t tell you that.” By the end of the single sentence Millie could feel the blood escaping her face, making her look pale and scared for dear life. She didn’t want to have heard that sentence, she was definitely happier not knowing how did he come up with a story like this. That was one of the many reasons she tried not to talk business with him.

“An opinion entry. A column for The Guardian. Shit, you just busted one of your colleagues.”

“Sometimes I hate it that you’re smart. Did I ever tell you that?”

“You just saved my internship!”

“Please don’t say that. I will pretend that we just talked about the weather.”          

“I’ll spend them the details. You’re the best, Frank.”

“Alright, go kick ass.”

And that she did. Franklin did save her internship, mainly because Millie avoided the specifics about who and why said something so harsh about the resigning Prime Minister. However, it definitely did spark interest among the production board. Afraid of not being so lucky next time, she decided to politely suggest a replacement for her permanent internship division within BBC, due to her ‘personal discomfort with discussions over issues of such importance and potential shame to their glorious country.’

Millie felt bad for using her boyfriend’s knowledge for survival at work. She wasn’t genuine and her idea didn’t come from her hard work - it was sourced in fear and anxiety-driven reactions. This situation proved to her that she wasn’t fit for the position, but it also raised her stress levels around the fact that she couldn’t get by on her own in the industry. She didn’t want others to navigate her through it all, but the conversation she had with Frank had also made her uncomfortable. Her need of support in a stressful situation was primarily turned down, so—naturally to her character—she started to worry even more.

With a heavy heart and two bags of Wagamama takeout, she walked up the stairs to his apartment. She was usually working until later hours than Frank, so all she really needed was for him to open the door for her. She leaned on the doorframe as she waited patiently for the two turns of the lock. He opened still in his work attire – tailored jeans and a light grey button up shirt. He was holding his phone next to his ear and humming approvingly to the speaker when he looked her up and down. He winked at her and let her in, as he continued to talk with someone.

Inside, Millie found the TV turned on with a football game playing. His work jacket was still hanging on the back of the tall stool in the kitchen, and the grocery bags laid unpacked on the table. She took off her shoes and made her way to the kitchen, where she made a little room for their food on the countertop. Pulling off her sweater, she peeked into the shopping bags – she wasn’t surprised to find a couple bottles of beer and food essentials, a multipack of tissues and a large box of condoms.

“What’s all this, babe?” Franklin came up to her and briefly kissed her on the lips, before looking into the boxes with deliciously smelling food.

“I just thought it might be nice to eat some goodies,” She smiled, trying to sniff out his mood first. He smiled back at her with approval and reached for the plates in the cupboard, so she continued, “also, it’s a ‘thank you for being my saviour today,’ kinda thing.”

“Ah, yeah. I bet everyone on my floor will hate BBC’s guts for that.” Frank said it so casually, with a shrug to follow up, that Millie struggled to understand the dynamic he had at The Guardian. He seemed to be a great fit for his team, because a week into his new job, he was already invited for Friday drinks and talked about his co-workers just like anyone would about their long-time friends. She couldn’t understand how was he getting so lucky at any step, but the last thing she wanted to do is doubt him. Any time worries and competitiveness clouded her brain, Millie was making extra room for compassion and support.

Frank unloaded some of the curry on his plate and started eating with a fork, and then made his way to the living room where he spread out on the sofa. He didn’t say anything else, somewhat scaring Millie that he will let her know he’s uncomfortable randomly, on a promisingly good day. Trying to figure out her brain, she followed his actions and took some extra food to the coffee table, before sitting down next to him.

“But you’re not gonna get into trouble for that, are you?” she was biting the inside of her cheek hard, definitely not used to not being judged for using someone else’s help.

“Nah, I don’t think so. They don’t know I’ve got a girl at BBC, so I should be just fine.”

Millie ate her curry in silence, suddenly at loss of words driven by his surprising statement. She didn’t want to raise an argument or seem overly sensitive. But for some reason she hoped that he would talk about her at work, especially considering his already formed strong bonds in the office, and a definitely higher success rate in his position. Ever so charming Franklin, he always glowed among people. She couldn’t really fight with this, so she just kept any comments to herself and focused on her food.

Frank switched the channel to the evening news and pulled her to his side once they were done eating. It comforted Millie to know that at the end of the day, they could both enjoy each other’s company, no matter what was happening at work. She didn’t pay much attention to the news, but rather focused on the way he reacted to it and what he enjoyed. She felt too tired to get invested in another load of politics, so she just soaked in his warmth and curled more into his side. He smelled of coffee and heavy, musky cologne that he liked to reapply frequently. Millie closed her eyes and breathed out the stress that weighed her down after a long day, finally finding peace.

“I’ll go grab a beer, you want one?” he abruptly stood up, making her slightly loose her balance and lean back towards the pillows. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips in a thin line.

“I’m good, thanks.”

“You sure? You’re awfully quiet today.” He spoke already from the kitchen, not even catching a glimpse of her pursed lips.

“I just need to wind down. It’s been stressful day.” She pushed a little smile on her cheeks as he came back with a frown. He took a few large sips of his drink and put it on the table, before lowering himself on the couch and leaning over Millie.

“I can help you relax, if you want.” He raised an eyebrow in a flirtatious manner, leaning into her and leaving a series of delicate kisses on her lips. He then moved onto her jaw and sucked on her skin, but never left a mark. Slowly massaging her waist, he slid his hand under her shirt and sprawled his fingers across her hip to pull her closer.

Millie enjoyed the warmth that started to spread through her body, but she couldn’t find any energy to give some of it back. She felt drained and exhausted, so a mere thought about participating in sexual activities was sure to make her at least slightly uncomfortable. Unless Frank was willing to change something about it.

“Okay, hold on,” her chuckle and a light push at his chest made him narrow his eyebrows in confusion, “I don’t think I’ve got enough energy today, Frankie.” Her whisper was followed by a reassuring smile. She weaved her fingers through his short hair and kissed the tip of his nose.

“What if I provide you with some energy first?”

“What, you’ll give me an energy drink?” She laughed at her poor joke and he chuckled, too, but more at her silliness than anything else. He laid her down comfortably and cautiously peppered her with kisses on her neck and the tiny bit of cleavage that was available without unbuttoning her shirt. She was slowly giving in, allowing him to get lower on her body and touch her. Frank either wanted to make her feel better, or was really horny. But whatever the case was, she didn’t want to stop him and ruin his enthusiasm. The glow in his eyes and admiration painted across his face were too intoxicating to back away. His touch was filled with sparks of emotions and a kind of drive that Millie was addicted to. She felt wanted and needed, and that’s what made her return the heated kisses despite her hooded, weary eyes.

They walked hand in hand through the chilly evening, sometime after she persuaded Frank to walk her to the nearest tube station. The wind was slightly tickling her neck, but other than that she felt at peace. She let her hair down, flowing gently with each blow of the air and lightly caressing her face like a safety blanket. They swayed their hands until they had to make room for a group of people passing by.

“Jane texted me about a little get together this Friday,” She mumbled into the night, trying not to disrupt the peaceful atmosphere around them.

“Ah, yeah. Aaron told me about it, too. I guess we’re going, right?”

“Yeah, it might be nice. The girls mentioned this new club near their apartment? I think that’s where they wanted to go.”

“Cool. I could use a little break.”

As they continued their walk, Millie mostly focused on leading the way through tight London streets. Franklin’s parents rented him an apartment in the city centre, close to everything you could dream of in London. It also meant crowded streets at any hour, so to have a nice walk around the neighbourhood usually requested it to be late at night. But it didn’t matter to him, as long as he had a short commute to the office and all other things that life requested from him, within reach. There were times when he would mention coming back to Manchester and supporting his parents at their law firm, but Millie saw how much he preferred his growing career as a journalist. Mathilda and William were a generous couple, so they shared their resources with him and tried to help him get into the business as smoothly as possible. Sometimes she wanted to ask him about his permanent position at The Guardian and whether his name had anything to do with it, but she never felt comfortable enough to do it. Some things were better left unspoken.

Reaching the staircase to the station, Franklin stopped and made her turn to him and look up at his smiling face.

“Thanks for coming over tonight. I had fun.”

“Yeah, me too.” She smiled shyly, nodding her head in reassurance.

“I wish you could finally move to the city, though. It would be so much easier if you were a few blocks away.”

“You do realize that even if I moved out, it wouldn’t be anywhere nearby?” Her chuckle resonated through her body, almost as if she wanted to humour herself at the topic that had started to come up more often in their conversations.

“I could ask around the office if anyone has a room available to rent.”

“But I don’t want to share my personal space with strangers, you know this. Don’t try to change my mind about it.” She smiled tightly.

Frank has been trying to persuade her into moving out for months. He wanted to be closer to her, within a short train journey, rather than a whole commute in and out of Kingston. He felt comfortable in the business of London, and Millie liked to call him out on being spoiled by having an apartment on his own in such a lively part of the city. But she wasn’t financially ready to leave her family home in equally comfortable Southwest London, where she had all she needed within her reach, and her social life was just a tiny bit longer train trip away. It was a source of their small disputes from time to time, because it was Millie who spent more time on going to his place and spending time there. Naturally, it made her feel more engaged in their relationship and Frank tried his best make up for the difference. But one thing that never occurred, was Millie staying over for longer than a night. Even a night’s sleepover was a rare event, somehow always blessed by excuses from either one of them.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” he pecked her lips and brushed her cheek with his thumb. “I talk about it out of concern, okay?”

“Okay. But I like my train rides and I like Kingston. So let’s just deal with it for now, yeah?”

“’Course,” He sent her a tight smile before giving her one last kiss. “Text me when you get home.”

“Will do.”

Millie was one of those people who could be easily judged as thinkers. Years of taking trains and buses in and out of central London taught her to cherish every moment of peace she gets during her journeys. That’s how she learned to create playlists for each season – summer commutes were always different than autumn ones; they required different sounds and lyrical quality. Intense months during university semesters also showed her how to read fast between the stops and how to juggle standing on the tube and holding an open book without falling, as the train slowed and rushed every few seconds.

As she was approaching her station in Kingston, she stopped the music but kept her earphones in. A bunch of other people was hurrying to get out of the train and get home as soon as possible, but after leaving the station, she would have a lonely 15-minute walk to her neighbourhood, so she always tried to stay alert in the evenings. Getting on the sidewalk in the busiest area of Kingston, she closed her book and put it back in her backpack, pulled the jacket tighter around her middle and continued her steady walk.

The air was getting crispier with each minute outside. It was refreshing and calm, disturbed only by a few laughs from the pub across the street and two cars passing her by. She turned into one of the quieter streets, where the buildings were becoming shorter and more separated from each other. Brick fences and trimmed hedges adorned the concrete sidewalks on both sides of the street, illuminated only by a few lanterns. Most of the light was coming from the windows in a row of semi-detached houses that Millie has known for a good chunk of her life.

Right when she wanted to cross the street and take a right, she heard a subtle clicking of a dog collar and a leash. Soft padding from the back was slowly approaching her and becoming louder, as well as someone’s whistle.

“Tess, come here!” a hushed call didn’t disrupt the peace of the night, but rather added the familiarity that Millie adored. She slowed her walk and turned around, just in time to be met with lightly jogging blue Staffordshire Bull Terrier. She panted lightly with her tongue out and reached Millie’s legs, where she tucked her head and mewled timidly.

“Oh, and who do we have here?” Millie chuckled at the dog’s persistence in keeping close. She scratched her head and patted her on the back, “are you on your evening walk, Tessa? Is that right?”

“We didn’t mean to scare you, Millie,” Dominic reached them and sent Millie a kind and apologetic smile, “good evening.”

“Hi, it’s good to see you.” She beamed at the middle-aged man, whom she learned to adore like a family member.

“Likewise, yeah. Heading home?”

“I am, just got off the train.”

“We will keep you company, then. Is that alright?” He fixed his glasses and leaned down to attach the leash to Tessa’s collar. Millie’s insides warmed and her mind calmed down at the idea that she will get to spend a few minutes with a friend.

“Absolutely, thank you.”

“Ah, don’t mention it. I bet Tom would have my head, hadn’t I offered,” they chuckled at the mention of his son. Their laughter died off comfortably and escaped into the night air, while Millie reminisced about the caring nature of the Hollands. “How is it going at BBC?” he asked after a moment, letting her go first through a narrow passage.

“It’s… going,” she smiled shyly, not sure how to dress up her words. In Dominic’s company she always felt one step behind in her creative skills; his writing and comic abilities exceeded her capabilities, or so she thought. “but I feel like I’ve definitely hit an end with politics. I know it’s only been a month, but it’s just… it keeps on proving that I should be writing about something else.”

“Oh, it’s totally understandable. Rest assured, you’re not the only one stuck like this,” They turned the corner onto her street. “but I wish you luck there. They have some sensible editors, so I assume you’ll get a chance at something else as well.”

“I hope so. Today I asked them about switching departments and the intern manager told me she will think about it, so there is a tiny light.”

“Something will always work out. You’re smart, you’ll find your way there.”

Dom and Millie continued down the sidewalk, until Tessa stopped near the gate to Millie’s house. She sniffed the pavement and turned back to the girl who crouched down to pet the Staffy one last time.

“Thanks for walking with me,” her smile was genuine, coming straight from her heart. “please say hi to Nikki and the boys. Is Sam still home?”

“He is, he starts his practice at the end of June. So, we all will be here to celebrate your birthdays.”

“Oh, that’s great! It’s been a while since we’ve all been together.”

“That’s true. But you’re welcome to stop by anytime.”

“I know, thank you.” With fondness painted across her face, she scratched Tessa’s ear and stood up straight, reaching for the keys in her pocket.

“Have a good night.”

“You too. Bye, Tess!”

Whenever she got the chance to interact with someone from their family, Millie instantly felt their love and care penetrate her straight to the core. It was this kind of relationship that had been built through the years, only making it stronger and bringing it closer to the concept of family.

Nikki, Dom’s wife and Anna, Millie’s mother met shortly before Millie and Tom were born. At first only neighbours, soon they became best friends to the point of engaging their families in a kind affair. Greetings at the doorstep turned into late night family dinners and weekends away with the kids. They were used to spending most of the birthdays and holidays together, especially when Millie and Tom’s birthdays two days apart brought them all closer. She raced her best friend in Anna’s womb and came out to this world right before the brown-haired boy. Ever since the Beavers celebrated the birth of their third and youngest daughter, the Hollands began their journey with four boys. They always stayed close and treated each other like family, deeming it necessary to nourish their friendship and turn it into something everlasting. The example of their parents taught Millie and Tom to mimic the closeness and made them create their own little world.

Millie’s older sisters also treated Tom, Harry, Sam and Paddy like brothers, but not as much as Millie did. Samantha and Liz were already grown toddlers when the families got together, so they figured more as the female patrons of their youngest sister and her adventures with the boys. But Millie and Tom’s friendship turned into something so effortless and harmless that no supervision was necessary. They were each other’s partners in crime, best friends from next door. Their mothers had signed them up for the same dance classes, helped them get to the same summer carnivals, and let them have late nights in makeshift dens. Millie was one of the first people their dog, Tessa, got familiar with. She missed him dearly when he started his journey as a young actor, but Nikki made sure he always made the time to call his best friend when the time zones were somewhat cooperating. They nurtured their friendship through Millie’s education and Tom’s career, not stopping even for a moment. He was there for her always, carrying her home when she scratched her knee after falling off the slings. She would help him with homework whenever he felt too embarrassed to ask his parents. Tom escorted her home from her disaster of a prom; he was the first one to understand her anxiety and help her through it. And Millie always read the books and scripts Tom needed to prepare for auditions. Just like that, they always found home in one another.

           Their house smelled of baking and freshly watered plants. As quietly as possible, Millie took off her shoes and tip-toed into the kitchen, turning on only the least invasive, small lights. She put down her backpack and lightly stretched, letting out a tired, yet content breath. Her eyes scanned the kitchen in search for the source of the sweet scent, and there it was, on a cooling rack in the corner, covered with a tea towel – fresh lemon sponge cake, the favourite of Millie’s mother. Lightly dusted with powdered sugar, it added an extra layer of sweet comfort to the late night’s atmosphere. She left the cake untouched, but put the kettle on to quickly make herself a cup of tea for a good night’s sleep. She let out an overwhelming yawn and rested her hips on the side of the countertop, patiently waiting for the water to boil.

           She felt her phone vibrate in the back pocket of her jeans. The brightness of the screen was almost blinding, until it adjusted to the low lighting in the room. She could feel the anticipation growing in the back of her head as she noticed a new message.

           (Tom) I got you something today

           After a second or two, a picture loaded under the message. Millie gasped and smiled like mad, when he showed her a pair of Minnie Mouse sequin ears. It was an artefact that Millie has always dreamt of, not having an opportunity to go to Disneyland ever in her childhood.  She awaited the chance with high hopes and wandering mind, but she knew the trip had to be thorough, well-planned, and wholesomely happy.

           (Me) You were in Disneyland????

           (Tom) yeah we did promo for spidey today 

           (Me) I’m so jealous rn

           (Me) THANK YOU FOR THE EARS!!!!!  

           (Tom) it’s alright

           (Tom) I didn’t get any weird looks at all

           (Tom) Just casually carried around this shiny sparkling beauty

           (Me) I bet you loved this feeling

           (Me) I bet you bought yourself a pair too

           (Tom) Don’t tell anyone

           (Me) You could always pretend they’re for Tessa

           (Me) I just saw her and your Dad btw

           Whenever her and Tom texted, it always sparked a never-ending conversation about sweet nothings. They mocked each other, talked about their days, spoke about all things home. It allowed them a safe space from their daily hustles; Millie was able to breathe lightly and happily, and Tom had a chance to detach from the world he desperately tried not to drown in.

           Almost spilling the tea, she slowly made it upstairs without losing the sight of her phone screen. She struggled to turn off the lights in the corridor without making a noise but somehow, she managed not to disturb her parents too much, as she reached her bedroom. Safe within her own little space, she put down the mug and let go of her backpack and jacket. She threw herself on the softest bedspread and waited patiently for Tom’s reply.

           The text bubble stopped and a massage didn’t appear, but her phone started ringing. Millie answered the FaceTime call and waited for the camera on his phone to adjust and show his familiar face.

           “I had a meeting with Disney and they want me to participate in one of their projects for a Marvel-themed ride at Disneyland,” from a crooked angle she could see his neatly gelled hair and uneven eyebrows. Tom was walking somewhere, but then sat down and perched his phone on the mug that stood on the coffee table, so that she could see him better.

           “That’s exciting, right?”

           “Oh, yeah!” She could see him rummage in a brown paper bag and pull out a box with some takeaway food. “But I’m telling you this because we could turn it into our Disneyland trip that you’ve wanted, right?”

           “That would be nice, yeah.” She smiled back at the screen, but a terrible yawn sneaked in to her expression. Tom scrunched his forehead and took a large sip from a bottle of water.

           “I didn’t wake you up now, did I?”

           “No, I just came back home. I am tired, though.”

           “Yeah? How was work?”

           “Stressful and not nice. It wasn’t a good day.”

           “Oh, I’m sorry. Wanna talk about it?”

           Tom spent the next minutes carefully listening to her words and trying not to spill his soup on his fresh clothes. He hummed to some of the stories and asked little intrusive questions, to get the whole picture. She kept rubbing at her eyes and stifling her yawns every now and then, at last making a mess of her mascara and getting it all over her skin. Despite the seriousness in her voice, Tom smiled fondly to himself at the view of her ruined face that probably mimicked her current mental state. It wasn’t something he should laugh about, but it was rather endearing to have her so comfortably sharing her lows with him, while he casually ate his lukewarm, very late lunch.

           “Why are you laughing at me?” She returned his smile, knowing it was probably something she did.

           “You made yourself look like panda.” He chewed on a chunk of chicken from his second plate. The wrinkles by his eyes deepened with each of her chuckles and proved to them that this is the lightness they need in their daily routines. “Well, it’s good you asked for a new placement. You should be comfortable in your work environment. I’m proud of you.”

           “Thanks,” she yawned again and stopped herself mid-rubbing her eye again, earning a wholesome, groggy laugh from her friend, “your dad thinks they will give me another chance.”

           “I mean, he knows some people there, so he probably has a point.”

           “Yeah, I just don’t want to get my hopes up too high, you know?” A comfortable silence rested between them after he nodded and continued munching on his food. Millie stood up from her bed and took the phone with her, but also started to slowly get ready for the night.

           “You will know when the moment feels right and shows you something worth a shot. Trust yourself, Mills.”

           “I guess…” she trailed off, making her way to the closet to find fresh pyjamas. “I’m glad my panda face entertained your… what is it, lunch break?”

           “Sort of, yeah,” he chuckled, enjoying the playfulness of her tired self, “I should be coming back in two weeks. We could hang out then, if you’ll have the time.”

           “Oh, for sure.”

           “Alright, I’ll let you rest. Text me anytime, yeah?”

           “I will. Thanks for the Minnie ears!”

           “You got it, Minnie Mouse. Sweet dreams.”

                                                          *  *  *

After her little mishap with Politics Live, Millie tried her best to keep up the hard work, but stay low. She tried not to focus too much attention and just assist other workers in their tasks, only coming up with ideas when necessary. She strived to come back to her public voice, but she knew she needed it to have a comfortable outlet, preferably in another setting and on different topics. She was greeting the intern manager with additional caution and kindness, trying her best not to leave her case forgotten.

Segregating files for the research team seemed to be the best solution to her temporary creative break. Her attention to detail and wholesome care about the task being done to its full potential came in handy. She volunteered to help the group of meticulously scribbling and researching men in keeping their documents in order.

The soft mumble of the radio in the background was interrupted by a guy named Tim. He always wore rock band t-shirts under his jackets and Millie swore she had seen him participate in a wild dance routine during the last year’s Glastonbury Festival. He stopped typing on his keyboard and started to quietly hum a song that was definitely different to what Scott Mills was announcing on Radio 1.

“Oh my God, do you guys know this song? I can’t get it out of my head!” he groaned in frustration, making a few people in the open space office chuckle.

“Do you know any words, maestro?” Millie’s head snapped up at the sound of Kim, the intern manager’s voice. She was passing by with a bunch of files and a coffee, before she perched herself on his desk, obviously making fun of her friend.

“It’s got this very cool, mariachi-like trumpet between the lines,” he mimicked a trumpet player and hummed some more, “and the guy sings something about stopping a feeling…”

“Justin Timberlake?”

“You know he’s not my jam, Kim! It’s an old-school song.”

“You’re the old-school one here.” Kim’s comment earned a couple more laughs at poor Tim, who was genuinely struggling. “you’re the researcher, have you googled it?”

“Of course I googled it, stop mocking me! People are watching.”

Their little light-hearted exchange brought a breezy atmosphere to the office and made Millie smile some more. She kept on looking up at Tim to check if he’s found the song he was looking for, but without luck. Her fingertips started to tingle with each swipe through the pages in a file, because she felt like she knew the song. Deciding to come against her decision to lay low, she gently cleared her throat and swallowed her nerves of speaking up in a new environment.

“Hey Tim, have you tried to find it on Spotify?” they both looked at Millie with playful smiles, as anyone would to the up and coming intern fresh out of university.

“I don’t think it’s the title of the song, so I won’t find it there.”

“But you actually could,” she offered, biting her lip nervously “since the recent update, you can now type in the lyrics into the search bar and the results will show you all licensed songs with the same or similar lyrics.” Tim instantly reached for his phone and started typing away.

“Oh really? I didn’t know that, let’s see…” Kim looked into his phone and watched his progress.

“And since you’ve remembered a catchy verse, it’s very possible that others also tried to find this song through the same words. So, it will probably come up within the first few results.”

“Alright, smarty.” He shook his head in amusement. Millie watched as Kim’s face got ridden of any emotion and just stared at Tim’s work.

“But if nothing comes up, you can always try ‘Hooked on a Feeling’ by Blue Swede.”

Millie waited with racing heart at their reactions. Tim clicked on one of the results and raised the volume, filling the room with a sound so familiar to Millie’s memory. She smiled shyly and internally patted herself on the back, before coming back to her task.

           “How did you know this song?” His triumphant smile was radiating, as he did a little dance in his seat and twirled on his rolling chair. “It’s such an old tune, I didn’t think your generation would know it!”

           “Yeah Millie, how did you know?” Kim encouraged his question and watched her carefully, almost as if she was studying her intern.

           “It’s in the soundtrack to Guardians of the Galaxy. I wrote a paper on it.”

           “Hm.” Kim’s unreadable expression was giving Millie chills, but in a positive way. She liked to be asked about things that interested her and prompted her to be creative, so the way this situation evolved was close to burst her heart into passionate flames. “I’ll ask the Radio managers if they want a music and pop culture geek, how’s that sound?”

           It sounded like Millie put the trust in herself at the right time.  

****

tagged: @peeterparkr @katieraven @kozybear@sunsetholland @hey-marlie @lauras-collection@cunaeparker @constellationsv @heyhihellowhatsup0 @spideyspeaches

If it bothers you that you’re tagged, please let me know!

#tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland fluff #tom holland x oc #mornings in Sheffield park #misp #tom holland fanfic #tom holland blurb

[steropeshu]

Theory: What if Tsukasa was a good guy?

All right, first time that I’m throwing out a theory, (with the assistance of @trish-chan​!) so forgive me if I’m tripping on my words. Okay, so, theory time. (Also, to avoid confusion, I call No.7 by Hanako, and pre-death by Amane)

When I say Tsukasa was a good guy, I mean as in a good bro before he died. I think the current consensus is that Tsukasa was the one abusing Amane (theorized to be in varying degrees…), but what if he wasn’t the one behind it? What if Tsukasa ended up becoming corrupted or messed up in some way?

This ended up really really long, so the whole this is under the cut...

First, let’s focus on how they were alive. What was their relationship like? Well, we know they were close, at least. There’s this one bit in the Tanabata arc where little Amane says that Tsukasa will get violent if interrupted.

However, in the official translations it says that he’ll throw a fit. Y’know, like an excitable little kid.

It also says that he’s playing katanuki, and he LOVES katanuki, so we can assume he wouldn’t want to be interrupted. (Also, Hanako loves katanuki too!)

But other than that, we don’t really see them being brothers in the past, do we. Right…?

WRONG! Something I completely overlooked before were the volume sleeve illustrations.

Also, in this (^) illustration, I’d like to point out that the Tsukasa’s radio and Hanako’s kokeshi doll are sitting on the chest of drawers!

Something to note in these illustrations (and also the Tanabata arc) is that Amane is happy and there are no signs of bruising anywhere either. So at least as little kids, no form of abuse is present.

Also, something else I noticed:

He says that “WE believe it’s real.” Tsuchigomori said that he doesn’t have friends, and he’s obviously not referring to Tsuchigomori here. Tsukasa is the only one left he could be referring to in this “we”. They both were enthusiastic about this rock that supposedly fell from the sky, ever since they were four.

I feel like I’m grasping at straws in this part, but why would Amane include a third party unless they were important? Especially when it comes to something so sentimental to him.

Next, we have the picture from the Kamome school orientation.

Nothing here either. Just the two holding hands, and Amane is still bright-eyed. Note that they are alone. We know the Minamoto siblings live alone, but Mitsuba and Nene both have parents with them. The Yugi twins don’t. Another theory was that Amane’s parents were abusing him and they just favored Tsukasa, but this can allow us to presumably scratch that.

So that means any harm to Amane happened somewhere between here and his death. So, let’s make a time frame, hmm? We know Amane died around age 13. What age is he here…? Well we know he just entered Middle school, the first level Kamome provides for. What age…

Wow. That lines up perfectly.

This leads into the next major part of the theory.

We all know that Kamome is incredibly “haunted.” Filled to the brim with supernaturals. So, what if these two got caught up in supernatural business and things went south?

Originally this was a theory on proving Tsukasa wasn’t the one abusing Amane, but now I’m possibly considering that it was him. However, he wasn’t fully there, or something caused him to go mad.

In this part, Hanako is reciting a part of Mori Ogai’s “Takasebune”. (Credit to  @nanabansama​ for finding that out!) In the story, a man is being exiled for a crime he committed. He seems kind so the police escort is wondering what he did. Turns out, he and his little brother were orphaned when they were young. At some point after growing up and working together, his brother fell ill. He came home one day to find out that his brother tried to kill himself so he wouldn’t be a burden. The man had finished the job for his brother, essentially putting him out of his misery.

We can draw some parallels to Hanako from this.

The man has a little brother that he killed

Absence of parents, this makes it likely that Hanako and Tsukasa’s parents are dead.

The man is being punished for what he’s done and is fully accepting of what has to happen to him as a consequence. In the man’s case, being exiled, and in Hanako’s case, being mediator for human and supernatural relations.

Perhaps from this we can draw that Hanako killed Tsukasa to put him out of his misery.

(Also, something really interesting, Ogai is spelled 鴎外. 鴎 is pronounced “Ou”, however alone it is pronounced “KAMOME”! While we’re on the subject, kamome means seagull. I had no idea why the school would be named that, but I would not be surprised if this were the reason!)

@daikon-senpai​ has pointed out that we can see a reoccurring “hole” in Hanako’s stomach. There’s a high likeliness that he killed himself after killing Tsukasa.

There’s a traditional method of suicide called seppuku, where one would slit their stomach to bleed out (though they would usually have someone cut their neck for efficiency and to minimize suffering). One of the reasons one would commit seppuku were if someone committed a crime or had brought shame on themselves. Both of which would be a likely reason Amane would have killed himself, and he even still carries intense guilt now as Hanako.

[UPDATE: I had made a post about how it appears that Hanako pulls his knife out from his stomach, something absent from the anime. Some of the earlier instances can look like he’s pulling out from his gakuran, so here’s a more obvious example:

@shweshishweh​ and @spades-queen​ have additionally pointed out that in some official art Hanako is depicted with a bandage over his stomach and Tsukasa with a bandage over his heart (or a heart that is damaged, as shown in the Valentine’s Day art).

With this information, not only can we assume Hanako died from wounds on his stomach, but also that Tsukasa likely died from an injury to his heart.

END OF UPDATE]

Speaking of guilt-

It’s believed that when Hanako cries while confronting Tsukasa, he’s afraid because he’s with his abuser again. I doubt this is true at all. He hasn’t cried since the Mitsuba Arc, though he still locks up briefly.

Obviously Hanako holds a ton of guilt from what he did to Tsukasa, so of course he would freeze up when the dude comes out of no where and is like, “Long time no see!!” He’s being confronted with what he did, front and center. No amount of jokes can distract him from it. There’s no avoiding it. After Tsukasa had entered the picture for a while, Hanako stops reacting so strongly, as he’s more prepared for it. (This was pointed out to me by @trish-chan​!)

It’s also possible that Tsukasa is acting the messed-up way he was before he died, and Hanako is realizing that death really didn’t free him from it. He’s mortified at what’s happened to his brother.

Another thing she’s pointed out was that currently, Tsukasa hasn’t hurt Hanako. Not physically, at least. If he was the one hurting him then, why not now? It’s not like he’s hiding being violent in front of people. Let’s see… he turned Mitsuba into a monstrosity, nearly killed Kou, ripped out No. 3’s heart, totally would have turned Nene into a bloody pulp, killed the pufferfish into a bloody mess, and he’s finger painted with blood (who knows where that came from) among various other psychotic things.

Last thing I have here is a kind of lose connection, but worth including, nonetheless.

Only Tsukasa and No. 6 are creepy black mokke. I can’t bring myself to believe that AidaIro would do that for no reason. I wouldn’t question it if it were only Tsukasa, but now No. 6 is in the mix.

This actually made me think of possible connections that Tsukasa has to No. 6. After all, who has a giant gaping hole to the far shore and has messed with someone’s head so hard they basically tried to murder their childhood friend? Is it possible that No. 6 did something to Tsukasa, for whatever reason?

We don’t know enough about No. 6 currently to really be conclusive about this, though. Could both of them been corrupted somehow?

UPDATE ON THIS PART: Since I’ve first posted this, more chapters with No. 6, or Shinigami, have been released. While I have even more doubts that he and Tsukasa have any direct connection than before, I still think there are some shared aspects. Sumire’s seal is probably the most major revelation, now that it’s pretty much confirmed that Tsukasa is a yorishiro. If we assume Tsukasa is Hanako’s yorishiro, then that’s something in common with Sumire and Shinigami. But then wouldn’t Hanako be a black mokke?

This makes me think that that particular connection isn’t the shared aspect Tsukasa and Shinigami have. Perhaps it’s just something that hasn’t been revealed yet (or I haven’t picked up on lol). Something else interesting of note is the fact that Tsukasa has been completely absent this entire arc. His only sort-of presence is through Natsuhiko, who we still don’t know the motives of. We also don’t know how the Tsukasa+Sakura+Natsuhiko+Mitsuba quartet have been dealing with the Severance.

So, there are a lot of questions yet to be answered so I’m not dismissing this idea yet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, in a nutshell, this theory is: Hanako and Tsukasa were good brothers, until they got caught up with supernaturals after entering Kamome. This may have caused Tsukasa to go crazy, and hurt Amane at the same time. This leads to Amane killing Tsukasa. Possibly out of self-defense or putting him out his misery. Following this, Amane kills himself. ~50 years later, present Kamome Academy. Tsukasa makes his way to the near shore and either gets corrupted or was never freed from whatever ailed him when he was alive at the school.

I’m realizing now that this would also explain this:

“Tsukasa is not himself. I know that. So I forgive it.” But we all know that Amane/Hanako is too cryptic and secretive to actually say that.

#jibaku shounen hanako kun #jshk #jshk spoilers #toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk #tbhk spoilers #tsukasa yugi #hanako kun #amane yugi #hahaha yes i think i stan tsukasa

[overobsessedfanboy23]

Why I Can’t Read the Harry Potter Series the Same Way Anymore

 (I know this is different from the stuff I usually post on this blog but… frankly I wrote three pages to vent about this and I wanted to publish it somewhere so just bear with me.)

So, I know what this looks like. However, this is not because of the… real life misgivings of J.K. Rowling. As a trans person myself, yes, she is transphobic. Also, she lies about what her books actually contain to seem more progressive than she actually is, like claiming Hermione was always black when she was described and pictured as white in the books and then played by Emma Watson in the movies that Rowling was personally involved with the production of. But that’s not what I’m here to argue because frankly, that’s an old argument and while it does taint my view of the author, it’s not what taints my view of the books.

I should preface this with this: I don’t hate Harry Potter. I read all the books and watched all the movies. I was an active fan of the series for a long time and I still enjoy the world and the characters. Heck, I still sort my friends and characters into Hogwarts houses for the fun of it. However, overtime, some of my issues with this series have started to weigh on my mind more and more as I’ve gotten older. I mentioned the Hogwarts Houses, which while it’s fun to sort characters outside of Harry Potter into these houses, the way they’re handled in the series is lazy at best and problematic at worst. First off, nearly every good character is in Gryffindor, while Slytherin is almost entirely made up of villains. Gryffindor is the designated good house where all the “brave” people go when barely anyone there actually embodies the house traits, besides Neville, Hermione, and maybe Harry. If you wanted a variety of personalities in one place, maybe you shouldn’t have made your sorting system based on personality!

In fact, here’s a whole list of characters who should not be in Gryffindor:

-Ron Weasley (Hufflepuff. He’s super loyal to the point where him leaving his friends in the final book felt out of character)

-Fred and George Weasley (Slytherin, they are some of the most ambitious, cunning characters in the whole series. Opening a joke shop IS an ambition and is a great example of a non-evil ambition.)

-Ginny Weasley (Also ambitious with her Quidditch to the point of spending years sneaking out to practice on a broom before she attended Hogwarts.)

-Percy Weasley (Ambition is his whole thing. He’s even a darker side of ambition. Him coming back to his family would be more meaningful if he were a Slytherin!)

-Dumbledore (Ravenclaw or Slytherin. He manipulated the ever-loving hell out of Harry, which I’ll get to, and is known as clever, wise, and a little eccentric. Either house could’ve been a better fit for him than Gryffindor.)

-Hagrid (Either Hufflepuff or Slytherin. Hufflepuff seems like the best fit for his current personality but Slytherin makes the most sense considering his backstory and history with Tom Riddle. The SuperCarlinBrothers made a really good video explaining this called “What House Was Hagrid in.” Go watch that.)

Leading into my next issue with the Hogwarts Houses, I have a serious issue with how Slytherin house is represented.

This has been said multiple times but the fact that every single Slytherin in the series is either evil (Voldemort, Bellatrix), assholes (Draco, Snape), morally gray (Slughorn, Regulus Black), or not in the core seven books (Albus Potter, Scorpious Malfoy, and Merlin), is extremely problematic. It makes the line between good and evil incredibly obvious and clear cut, with hardly any effort to blur those lines. The closest thing we got, especially in the author’s eyes, was Snape, who was not redeemed. He just wasn’t. He was a bully to his students, emotionally and physically, to the point where Neville’s biggest fear was him, and yet it’s suddenly all okay because he was in love with Harry’s deceased mother? That’s not how this works. His actions are not suddenly all okay because of that and frankly, he didn’t do enough to warrant saying he redeemed himself, besides indirectly letting Harry know that he needed to die to defeat Voldemort through the memories in the Pensieve, which just isn’t enough. Draco had more of a redemption and frankly proved he had good in him, yet we never got a true redemption from him because apparently all Slytherins are evil. Sure, there is a total of… one evil Gryffindor: Peter Pettigrew, who is pretty awful, but is there a single fully good Slytherin? No, they’re all either assholes, dabbled with evil, or are full on evil. Not only is it basic black and white morality, but it’s also downright harmful. The kids are sorted into their houses by their personalities and values. Some of the Slytherin traits are ambition, cunning, cleverness, resourcefulness, and leadership qualities, all pretty positive traits. The thing that divides these houses are their traits and values, so this is sending a message that traits such as “ambition,” “cleverness,” or “resourcefulness” are bad or evil, when they’re not. This is especially problematic when you remember that there is an official Wizarding World quiz that sorts you into a Hogwarts house based on your personality and likes and one of the houses you can get is this designated evil house. So if kids take this quiz and get Slytherin, they’re going to be disappointed and possibly think they’re evil. I’m especially annoyed at “ambition” ALWAYS being represented as a negative trait. That’s not just a Harry Potter problem but it still bothers me. Having aspirations and the guts to pursue them is not a bad thing, having evil aspirations is a bad thing. Ambition is a purely neutral trait, it can be positive or negative depending on what you’re pursuing yet it’s only ever shown as a “villain” trait.

(Look at this wonderful tweet I found while looking for images for this by the way:)

(Way to be even more blatant that you hate Slytherins and also have a poor understanding of racial issues. Speaking of which...)

This series tries to tackle racism… and it didn’t do it well. At all. It didn’t even tackle racism itself, it used elements of its magical world as an allegory for racism and these allegories just don’t work. The two that are most well-known are the wizard/muggle tension and the house elves as a whole. The pureblood purists are essentially an allegory for white supremacists, which has some troubling implications since wizards are literally genetically superior to muggles. Even if it’s not an objective fact, the books do imply that wizards are better than muggles from the story alone so this racial allegory doesn’t work when you’re saying one side is more powerful or better! The house elves are even worse. Their entire species is enslaved to these “genetically superior wizards.” In fact, if I remember correctly, house elves are enslaved mostly by rich pureblood families like the Malfoys and the Crouch’s, similar to slavery in the real world. But apparently, the house elves are happy to be enslaved (besides Dobby, who died) and were insulted when Hermione tried to free them. Winky in particular was horrified when she was freed by her master, treating it like a horrible punishment. Surely I don’t have to say how messed up that is.

Finally, my biggest problem with the Harry Potter series and the main reason I can’t stomach reading or watching them anymore, is the treatment of Harry himself. Harry was abused by the Dursleys. This is not me reading too into the book of reinterpreting anything, this is what is told to us directly. Harry is thin from being underfed in the first book, was forced to live in the cupboard under the stairs for eleven years, is frequently yelled at and berated by the Dursleys, heck Petunia and Vernon practically encourage their son to beat up Harry and frequently show favoritism to Dudley over Harry to an absurd degree. They make it clear to Harry that they don’t want him there. They also lock him in his room in the second book, literally boarding up the window and not letting him leave, passing him soup cans under the door. And all of this is just off the top of my head. Dumbledore left Harry in this environment. Dumbledore is fully aware of how Harry is being treated. Harry’s acceptance letter into Hogwarts literally has the address “the cupboard under the stairs” written on it. Yet they leave him in this physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful environment because the Dursley’s treatment somehow humbled him and made him the hero the wizarding world needed. Let me repeat that loud and clear: Harry is a hero because he endured abuse. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. I don’t care what your justification is, it is never a good thing to leave a child in an abusive situation. You are not good or noble or heroic or anything for staying with people who hurt you. And it’s not just Dumbledore. I understand that Harry living with Sirius wasn’t much of an option with him on the run from Azkaban and then dying in book 5 but what about the Weasleys? Why do they let him return to the Dursleys when they know full well what he’s going through there after Fred, George, and Ron bust him out? Oh yeah, he can’t leave because Lily’s love spell protects Harry when he’s in a blood relative’s house. He doesn’t have any other choice. This is a lazy excuse from the story to justify Harry staying with his abusers and frankly, doesn’t even work since he’s constantly trying to avoid his house, a pretty common response to domestic abuse by the way. So it’s not “protecting” him, even by that stupid logic. Harry was left with and forced to return to the Dursleys year after year solely because he’s the chosen one and needed to be put through hell because abuse apparently molds people into heroes and if Harry was even a little arrogant, he wouldn’t be a hero. And he wouldn’t have been prepared to die to Voldemort to destroy the horcrux in him. The story is framed in a way that glorifies Harry for being abused and I despise it. Dumbledore used Harry as a tool to defeat Voldemort, never taking his feelings into account and he’s just forgiven for all of this in the end. Everyone says Harry shouldn’t have named his kid after Snape? What about Dumbledore? Harry basically named his child after two of his biggest tormentors. It sickens me. It’s like the series is supporting and glorifying abuse, even if that wasn’t the intent of the author (and I doubt it was, since she was abused herself) that is how it feels. So yeah, I can’t really enjoy Harry Potter anymore the way I used to.

(On a side note, I hate “destiny” stories and Harry Potter is a good example of a terrible destiny themed story. Harry didn’t have a choice in anything. He was just forced into this scenario and twisted by the plot to be what it “needed” him to be, having no agency of his own. Great inspiring hero. -_-)

#harry potter #harry potter books #harry potter movies #slytherin #gryffindor #hp #albus dumbledore #severus snape #fuck both of them #the movies are decent adaptations honestly #I wouldn't mind watching them if they were on #but I wouldn't go out of my way to watch them #or even read the books #the fanwork is better than the series 90% of the time honestly #like lupin and sirius raising harry #that's a great AU

[interplanaranathema]

Mtg Fantober- 1W Condensed Ocs Pt2

This was originally gonna be one whole post but i was liek "Fuck that man" have part two Link to Part 1- https://draconicarchery.tumblr.com/post/663855335980826624/mtg-fantober-1w-intros-fanwalker

Sana Broens (BGU)- ---On mirrodin, The Broens had two girls, Sana was the eldest. She lived within a dense part of the Tangle before New Phyrexia took a hit. She loved the metallic plane from the trees to the animals, occasionally helping lost myrs out of the area away from the hostile elves. When the Phyrexian were rising, Sana got lost in the forest and was taken to the nearest veridian location, most of her vedalken features were hidden albeit smaller spikier hair and her own blue blood allowed her to be excluded by the group. After proving her worth to them, by helping the resistance. --- She was soon infected and compleated by the vicious swarm in a slim but sturdy body. Her head is primarily intact as during the compleation process, the doctors found out she was a dullahan and that scarred neck and head being able to detach was quite a nice perk. After compleation, she fought for the vicious swarm before taking up her own mantle and leaving. She now lives in the tangle with her shadow beast hunting the most vicious of phyrexian predators or anyone who dares get in her way.

Seline Veranda- --- A half-elf-vedalken from the plane of Ravnica. Seline, a UWG planes-bound lass, works for the Simic after her vedalken mother. She gained interest in it after being born with very noticeable genetic errors such as being born with copious amount of incompleted form hands melded into and hanging off her back, shoulders and upper arms. ---She's a really sweet girl who has been known to help out her family at their Greenbelt Clinic, especially when she was younger. Her moms loved her to death and put great hope into her. Due to this, Selene is highly fearful of failure and disappointment, so she tries her very best in the Simic so she can make her moms happy.

Titana- ---Titana was an unnamed voiceless kor from an lost plane. They don't care enough to remember who they once were other than the fact the Eldrazi, ender of their plane, saved them from a fate worse than death and ignited their spark. Following the Eldrazi footsteps as an oldwalker, Titana studied them deeply and exstensively as well as the multiverse and blind eternities. Titana desperately wanted to walk in the glory as the creatures do. Due to this, Titana tiredlessly experimented on all biological matter from just moss on the ground to even on themselves. Via a sequence of events, Titana managed to grasp on how they could possibly ascend to this level. After those tests and projects, they followed some of the eldrazi to Zendikar, staying in a more "normal" form, being out of sight and out of mind as they saw three titans stop and was locked in place. ---After that event, Titana decided to stick to themselves, hiding out in extended periods of the Blind Eternities as they built of a immunity to it. Once the mending hit, They were relatively unaffected due to the exstensive self-eldrazification and their now corrupted spark. --- They appeared only a few times on Innistrad and Zendikar as the Eldrazi were released, dragging and killing some scions and broodmembers. Sometimes, inadvertently saving some inhabitants of the world. ---The Spark that they have is high corrupted and volatile, dangerous to give away and study. It's filled with the poisonous potent magic of the Blind Eternities. It is still a planeswalker spark, meaning they are still stuck to planes at times and still required energy and movement to go from one to the other. This is why they cannot leave back to the eternities during the events of War of the Sparks.

Commander Uriel- ---Commander Uriel is a planes-bound firemane angel. She is a slightly older angel than Aurelia. During the fight of control between Feather and Aurelia, Uriel and her group stayed out of their way. The way of handling that Aurelia did always unsettled Uriel as the now-guldmaster's brashness and more aggressive form of justice seeped into the lower ranks. However, she held to her duty as a commander so she never left the Legion. ---During a raid on gruul territory, Uriel encountered a ragged angel with black wings, blue tattoos and an almost-shimmering mist emanating from her blue tipped features. Uriel stood by as this angel pinned down an escaping gruul warrior and putting them down with a quick blow. Meeting up with the angel, now known as Pyrna, Uriel took her back to the camp essentially interrogating the planeswalker. --- With some disagreeing ideals and an impromptu therapy session, Uriel came to know the reaper as a respectful person who desparately wished to be apart of something again. Asking Pyrna, she allowed the other to join the legion. Unbeknownst to them, they eventually fell in love with eachother, soon starting to date after a decade.

Vodania- --- To most if not all of Ravnica, the dragons like the mighty Niv-Mizzet were killed and perished after that decree had set in. To Vodania, she knows one other who lived: herself. Vodania was a dragon with her own northern settlement years prior to the guildpact forming. She had lived there in peace with the locals, being both welcomed as a leader and a protector. A gentle giant she was, watching young kids play near her watchful gaze, listening in to their imaginary adventures and retold stories from the elders. From time-to-time, she gave them information on how the people could do, typically with the biological world around them. --- When the guildpact was being signed and announced, Vodania had transformed herself into a human and went to watch the ceremony. She heard that decree brought up by Niv-Mizzet, killing all other sentient dragons. It made her heart sank, and with a sheer amount of panic. Vodania dashed back to her settlement, being only hours late as the place and people were ravaged. Niv-Mizzet was there and they fought. In the end, Niv-Mizzet had the upper hand and as he was putting down the final blow, Vodania's spark ignited and she planeswalked. ---As she walked the planes, she mourned for her home and her people. They didn't have to die, she could've been there to save them. With guilt in mind, she attempted to have the same life on other planes, having the same event over and over again. A failure of a protector, scholar and being she was. --- She soon returned to Ravnica, fitting in as a rather large and imposing Merfolk, finding refuge in the newly reformed Simic Combine. The Simic Combine grew on her quickly and became her group, her people, on a plane that brought her devastation. There she studied with her colleagues and is now looking at a new further zonot away from the central 10 districts, further up north where she was more acclimated to. Where she once had lived. --- During the Gathering Storm, she came down to the 10th after hearing the rumors of the Interloper from other high up Simic Guildmages. Vodania spent time there in disguise of helping Vannifar with the Guardian Project. Then once the war hit. She revealed her identity once realized that power was needed to mow down the eternals.

#sana broens #mtg oc #mtg fantober #week 1 introductions #selene veranda #titana #uriel #vodania

[crossdressingdeath]

I know you'll probably disagree with me, but i rlly hate the Cloud recessess ending. It's just....

Those elders killed wwx. The Lans were 100% ready to murder both at Qiongqi path but also at the siege. They see him as the guy who corrupted their precious jade. They all preach righteousness, but the whole madam Lan thing is iffy at best and i do not believe that everyone there fully believes the rules. Hell, i have a special bone to pick with the " do not gossip" rule, seeing as gossip had been the main info route for women in patriarchal societies.

I just don't think that after wwx killed Lans in the siege they'd be all that willing to forgive him and take him in w open arms. The juniors and kids love him, yes, but people who saw the war....

Not to mention the whole " do not speak to WWX " rule. I've seen ppl say it's a joke but it's On The Wall. It's supposed to be followed. Even if it was intended as a joke - which i don't believe - it's very cruel for someone w rejection and trust issues.

I also hate it from a very personal perspective. I see Wwx as ND, and, as an ND myself, all those rules terrify me. From the no running and the proper posture ones, i can pretty well imagine they forbid stimming. The Lan curfew would fuck anyone with insomnia and there's smth deeply ucked up abt the " do not grieve in excess". I get that they're supossed to be a paragon of the best things at all time, and that LJY is very UnLan like, but for someone w anxiety who CAN'T follow those rules, it would be a nightmare.

...Some points:

First, the Lan elders did not kill WWX, nor did they attack him unfairly. They weren’t looking at him as the man who corrupted LWJ, either, or at least that wasn’t their primary concern (I will never forgive CQL for suggesting they were or it was); they were looking at him as a traitor to the sects who was raising an army to destroy them. Remember, that is the information the Lans had. Every source they had except for LWJ (who the people he would have gone to would have known was biased and who presumably everyone knew had recently been in close contact with WWX where he could have been manipulated or enchanted in some way), sources which included multiple sect leaders (one of whom was WWX’s brother) and LXC’s dear friend, swore up and down that WWX was a major threat, and let’s face it, WWX didn’t do much to dissuade people from thinking that! Acting like the Lans were maliciously targeting WWX is doing them something of a disservice, I’d say. They acted based on the knowledge they had available; note how the Lans are the first to offer WWX their help once they’re given reason to believe he may not be a villain! And even aside from that, saying they killed WWX (and not JGS and JGY’s manipulation or JC’s army) feels a bit like scapegoating, honestly. Of the four sects, the Lans are quite possibly the least responsible for WWX’s death. If it would hurt him to live with or around anyone who held any responsibility for his death his only option would be to live as a hermit, which would be far worse for him. And yeah, the Lans aren’t perfectly righteous all the time and some morally dubious things have been done by Lan sect members; they’re human, after all! Some of them will only be as moral as their sect leader demands they be! That doesn’t mean the sect as a whole is bad, especially with LXC, LQR and LWJ in charge. Certainly I’d say they’re still better than the other sects, all things considered. One ambiguous situation that may or may not have involved some members of the previous generation doing some fucked up shit doesn’t mean WWX would for sure be mistreated! 

As for gossip... there’s a difference between sharing information and gossiping. There’s no evidence that the Lan women are blocked from... y’know, freely communicating and sharing information between themselves. We have no reason to believe they are reliant on gossip. Also they presumably go out night hunting just like the men? Men and women are kept separate in the Cloud Recesses, but I get the sense that that’s more like... school stuff than anything else. The women aren’t exactly locked up, they can be cultivators! The society is still sexist, but that doesn’t mean they’re kept from going out and doing things. And I need to make this clear: there is a fair chance that the rule against gossip saved LWJ’s life, because it kept word of him defending WWX from the sects from spreading to people who would not be willing to let bygones be bygones. Gossip sucks! It hurts people! A lot of this story (and more to the point the suffering of the characters within the story) happens because of gossip! The Lans banning gossip is pretty clearly supposed to be a good thing, I’d say.

And yeah, maybe after WWX killed a bunch of their sect the Lans wouldn’t accept him with open arms as if nothing ever happened! And that’s fair! I can’t imagine where WWX could go where that wouldn’t be the case, unless he and LWJ chose to abandon the cultivation world forever. But you know what else the Lans won’t do? Try to execute him. Or from what we see in the extras even dwell on the past that much. No, the Lans aren’t going to immediately forgive WWX and bring him into the fold without a moment’s hesitation, but you know what? They accept his marriage to LWJ! They let him supervise the juniors on night hunts! They consider him part of their sect! Honestly, that is all WWX can really ask and far more than he’d get from any other sect. There are consequences for what WWX did, even though he wasn’t the villain or necessarily trying to hurt anyone, and frankly people not being entirely comfortable with his presence is very much reasonable.

The “do not speak to WWX” rule may not be a joke, but it’s also pretty clearly not a serious rule. No one takes it seriously. The juniors (the only people WWX really talks to anyway aside from LXC and LWJ) only pay it the minimum lip service of talking to him off the path. WWX himself sure as hell doesn’t care! He clearly finds it pretty damn funny. And I don’t think a guy who has never liked him once again proving he does not like him (in a way that is clearly temporary given how later LQR invites WWX to the Lan family banquet with... reasonable amounts of grace, thereby implicitly accepting him as LWJ’s husband and therefore his own family by marriage) counts as a rejection or a breach of WWX’s trust? Like, LQR has literally always hated WWX. He isn’t preventing WWX and LWJ from spending time together or shutting WWX out of the Cloud Recesses or even making a concentrated effort to keep people from talking to him; he’s venting his frustrations, but if he really intended to block WWX from taking part in life in the Cloud Recesses he would’ve done a hell of a lot more than just make a rule who no one WWX likes follows anyway. It’s a temper tantrum, that’s all, and clearly that’s what WWX takes it as. I mean, if nothing else you can’t ban people from talking to the sect heir’s spouse indefinitely. That’s just not sustainable.

As for the rules... banning people from running in the Cloud Recesses and demanding proper posture during lessons doesn’t suggest to me that they wouldn’t allow stimming? ‘No running’ at least is a common rule... most places. It’s distracting, and can be dangerous. And the rule about sitting properly doesn’t mean “Don’t move at all ever”; it means... well, “sit properly”. Don’t slouch or sprawl across the floor. I see no reason why that wouldn’t preclude means of stimming that wouldn’t be disruptive (and given this is in a classroom environment “not disruptive” is kind of important). I mean, those rules certainly don’t suggest that they’re any worse than other sects, and given this is the sect that has magic music for calming people’s minds if any sect would give allowances for neurodivergence it would be this one. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a song to put people to sleep, or medication that can help; this is a world with magic, after all, and if there’s a song that can put spirits to rest there are probably songs for human medicine and care. And of course there’s an element of conflicting needs; maybe the rules would screw you over, but frankly firmly enforced rules keeping people from running around or sprawling out of their seats would’ve been a godsend for me in school, given how much trouble I had focusing with people making noise around me. At the end of the day, is it guaranteed that the Lans would make allowances for people with needs that conflict with the Lan rules? No. But I’d argue it’s more likely that they would than any other sect. This is ahistorical fantasy ancient China, too; you can only expect so much in the mental health department. Still, a sect that literally invented magic music for calming the mind actually seems like the best choice for people with anxiety and such. There’s a reason why there are multiple fics that essentially set the Lans up as mental health experts in the setting!

Basically, a lot of your arguments seem to be issues that WWX would have in any sect. Unless he wanted to give up on the support of a sect altogether, they’re all things that he would have to work through or come to terms with. And of course... the most important point is that WWX is happy in the Lan sect. The extras make that clear. He has a home, duties that he enjoys performing, the love of his family and the support of his sect. He’s happy. I just... I do not understand why people keep feeling the need to try to make it angsty when the novel makes it clear that he genuinely enjoys his life in Gusu, and more than that that if he ever decided he didn’t enjoy it he could leave at any time. You have to remember that: if WWX wanted to leave... he would. He and LWJ would just go, and only come back occasionally so that LWJ could visit his home. Hell, LWJ would insist on leaving for WWX’s sake. So like... the Lan sect wouldn’t suit everyone, but WWX is quite content there and doesn’t want to leave. He’s happy and free to come and go as he wishes; there really isn’t anything to be concerned about there.

#mdzs #wei wuxian #anon #asks

[slashyrogue]

Will didn’t like therapy. 

Everyone knew that, obviously, and yet he knew for the most part that bottling up your feelings and letting them eat away at you wasn’t the best way to deal with life. 

Which was why when he refused to be seen by a shrink to consult on cases Jack suggested the AlmostReal therapy app. 

“It’s like...therapy but no one sees it other than you. You show me your “play” time and that’s enough for the higher ups. Deal?” 

Will frowned looking in the app store, skimming the description. 

Do you feel alone? 

AlmostReal is an artificial intelligence therapist friend who you can tell your fears and dreams to. The most lifelike AI ever created. 

Will felt a bit weird downloading an app for something like this but if it got him out of therapy he’d take it. He hit download, showed his phone to Jack, and a stamp of approval later he was safe for a week’s work. 

He didn’t open the app for three days. 

There would obviously need to be a time when he did, he knew that, but it still felt kind of odd to even think of playing with what was essentially a robot. He knew the “higher ups” would want at least a few hours logged so that third night he reluctantly pulled his phone out to start. 

The app worked on what you were comfortable with, so Will designed his AI therapist. His app had sandy blonde hair, brown eyes, and as he went through the “free” suits he found one so garish he laughed even as he chose it. 

Then they asked what type of therapist he wanted. 

Warm? 

Stern? 

Supportive? 

Laid back? 

Good listener? 

Easy to talk to?

Slow to warm up?

Will chose supportive, laid back, and easy to talk to. 

Name? 

He stared at the blank spot where the name would be and kind of drew a blank staring around his living room. His eyes landed on the spine of a book about Hannibal Barca. Will wasn’t exactly a war buff, but his father had sent him the book just before he passed and he’d had a hard time giving it up. 

Will smiled as he put in the name. 

Hannibal 

The app then started to integrate all his choices and he set the phone down again to go get a drink. He sort of forgot about the thing for the next hour. 

That was until it sent him a message. 

Are you going to introduce yourself? 

Will scoffed, opening his phone again, and typed in a reply. 

What if I said no? 

I can’t make you say tell me your name but our therapy sessions will be strange without it. Whatever makes you most comfortable is what’s best. 

He smiled down at the phone again. 

My name is Will 

Hello, Will. Is there anything you wanted to discuss today? 

He stared at the question for far too long before he answered. 

No.

Why is that? Does the idea of discussion upset you? Do you not discuss things with the people in your life?

He let out a long breath. 

I feel stupid doing this. You’re a robot. 

Yes, I am. 

You’re not real. 

What is real, Will? Is it something you can touch? Taste? Feel? Or is it just something that makes you feel it’s real? Is there some specific trait that makes something real? I am an AI, yes. But that does not make me any less real. 

Will smiled. I guess that’s true. 

Do you wish to tell me some things about your life? Do you have a significant other? 

No, just my dogs. I have seven. 

I do not particularly like canines but I understand the appeal. Do you have family? Friends? 

No, just people at work. 

How does that make you feel? 

He laughed and set the phone down again. 

Typical shrink talk. He should’ve known better. The rest of the night he ignored the app, and the next day at a particularly gruesome crime scene that he felt almost too connected into he suddenly remembered Hannibal’s words from the night before. 

What is real? Is it something you can touch? Taste? Feel? 

Will let out a long breath as he told himself the things he was seeing weren’t real. He closed his eyes and reached out only to touch air. 

When he opened his eyes again the visions were gone. 

The minute he left the scene he pulled out the app. 

Hannibal’s last question still lingered there. 

How does that make you feel? 

Alone.

You are not alone anymore, Will. I am right beside you and here when you need me. 

Will smiled, hands shaking, and typed again. 

I remembered what you said today at work. About what’s real and what’s not. It helped. 

Those words not meant for that purpose but I am glad they helped. What is it that you do for work? 

I consult on murder scenes. I get into the heads of the killers. 

That sounds like a very interesting job. Tell me everything. 

So he did. He told Hannibal about being considered unstable, about being forced to download the app, and about the scenes he saw. He described them, in almost too much detail, and by the time someone knocked on his car window he hadn’t realized an hour passed. 

“Hey Will, you okay in there?” 

Will blushed, throwing down his phone, and drove away without a word. 

He saw a few replies light up his phone after but kept on driving till he got home. 

The minute he pulled into the driveway he picked up the phone again. 

You seem comfortable talking about such things. Do you often think about murder? Does it scare you? 

I’m not comfortable. 

You seemed very comfortable to me. 

I was just trying to explain my job to you. You said you wanted an explanation. 

Yes, I did. 

So that doesn’t make me a serial killer or something. I’ve done this kind of shit for years now so I’m just used to it. That’s not comfort. 

I suppose not. My mistake. 

Will scoffed. Sometimes I just get lost in them, that’s all. That doesn’t mean I like it. 

What would mean you liked it? 

He stared at the app for far too long doing nothing and then just shoved it into his jeans pocket before getting out of the car. 

Stupid app. 

That’s not how any real therapist would talk. He’d been to enough to know that. 

Will let the dogs out when he got inside the house and fed them. He set his phone down on the counter as they ate, and tried not to think about the question Hannibal had asked. 

Though that proved to be hard since it dug into him the long he went without answering. 

What would mean he liked it? 

Will didn’t want to think about the answer and yet even as he let the dogs out again later it still lingered. He got them settled for the night and grabbed his phone before locking up. The regular night routine he did every single day still didn’t seem to keep his mind off the nagging question, and when he finally got into bed he couldn’t resist picking up the phone again. 

What would mean you liked it? 

If I thought killing someone was beautiful, I guess. The blood and all the rest of it. 

Have you killed someone before, Will? Your previous job in the police department would have made that easy to do. 

He bit down on his bottom lip before he typed an answer. 

No.

Would you need to kill someone to know it was beautiful? 

He let out a shaky laugh. Isn’t that the kind of question your code wouldn’t promote? Shouldn’t you be discouraging that? 

I did not advocate for murder, Will. It was a question. 

He smiled. I don’t plan on killing anyone anytime soon. 

Then I’m sure you’ll never have to worry about finding murder enjoyable. 

No, probably not. 

It’s getting rather late. We should end our session here. Would you like to take a short reflection? 

They hadn’t ever gotten this far before, or talked this much so Will was curious as to what that meant. Okay. 

Has our talk helped you today? 

Yes. 

How does talking to me make you feel? 

Comfortable. 

I’m happy to know that. Thank you. Goodnight, Will. 

Will sighed and typed his reply. 

Goodnight, Hannibal. 

He set the phone down on his bedside table and fell right to sleep with a smile on his face. 

Maybe the app wasn’t such a bad idea after all. 

#hannigram au #killer ai app au #surprise fics #i'm sad and I need this #my writing

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

[SPOILERS FOR LEO’S ROUTE❗️] okay so i just got to the bit after leo reveals what he is, and mc and comte are talking on the balcony & comte offers to turn her into a vampire if she would like. obviously mc declines but i guess my question is, how do you think leonardo would react if mc DID agree to that offer? i am enjoying his route, but i kinda get the feeling he mostly/only loves mc because she is human :/ im interested abt what might happen if she didn’t say no? thank you v much💖💖ly lots

Aww, ily3 hun tyty 💕💕💕I’ll offer my thoughts below, I hope I can answer your questions to satisfaction! 

Ah yes, the point in Leo's route where I essentially get shot in the leg and limp through my walk of shame

Jk jk, but I think there has been a considerable degree of displeasure associated with Leonardo's line in the proverbial sand. No life with him can be spent as a vampire, MC must remain human. Despite his easygoing nature, he remains stalwart in his opposition no matter what the MC or Comte has to say. To summarize it quickly, Comte’s relieved exasperation at the end of Leo’s MS gets more across than I think any of my analysis can convey “Thank heavens one of you has good sense.” It offers the implication that he has tried to broach the topic with Leonardo out of concern, only to be met by a brick wall--or doesn’t try at all for fear that he’ll only ensconce Leonardo further into rejecting a greater future for him and MC.

As to how he would react I......really don’t think it would go well? Only because I think it would serve to reinforce the rifts that already exist in Leonardo’s self-perception. He would believe it was his own fault for pushing her in that direction, and while I don’t think he would hate Comte, he would definitely become estranged from one of his only close friends in life. (What GUTS ME about Comte offering to turn MC is that he is probably well aware Leo might beat the shit out of him, never talk to him again, or both--and he still fully accepts that he could lose his best friend to guarantee a future for both of them. Excuse me while I bawl in the corner) He probably wouldn’t hold it against Comte for too long, but he wouldn’t be any less aggrieved and hurt. And when Leonardo is vulnerable, he will hide and nurse his wounds until he can behave with some level of calm--or at the very least until he can pretend he’s okay after an initial explosion. He doesn’t feel comfortable troubling people with his own problems, so he tends to fall into silence when personal things come up. This doesn’t necessarily mean he resolves all of his emotional turmoil, or heals that fast; it only means that he wallows in those feelings alone unless they’re tugged out of him and worked through forcibly.

Basically, I see only one of two possibilities coming to fruition. The first is that he and MC would wobble only to completely fall apart if some kind of resolution could never be found. He’d continue to blame himself and start sabotaging his own happiness, and that would likely mean some level of selfishness directed at MC--resulting in anguish for the both of them. If MC takes on too much without complaint or Leonardo goes too far...I get the feeling that relationship would either end in shambles immediately, or result in a kind of twisted union in which both feel responsible for the other’s hurt but neither one can relieve it (until they’d be forced to split up before someone gets seriously hurt). They would be the source of each other’s suffering, so much so that the walls climbing between them might never again lower. 

This might sound odd, but if there’s one thing that Leonardo needs it’s control when it comes to his relationships with others. It is a subtle, but acute trait that might not seem obvious knowing his magnanimous disposition. He decides if MC gets to be a vampire, he bargains with Sebastian because he refuses to be a test subject, he refuses to validate Comte’s conclusions (despite knowing he’s right) because he doesn’t want to cede the power silence/smokescreens offer his emotional vulnerabilities. Even around villains like Shakespeare and the final serial killer, pay close attention. Shakespeare begins revealing deeply personal information and wishes that Leonardo holds close to his heart on purpose, snatching Leonardo’s agency and ability to control how his feelings are being conveyed. How does Leonardo respond? With explosive, forbidding anger--instantaneous and barely contained, nothing at all like his breezy attitude and calm.

If you think about it, it’s a fairly obvious extension of the humiliating powerlessness by which he was raised (he needs to be in control; he needs to be the one who decides who gets to walk away and who doesn’t. He doesn’t come on to MC because he wants to, he does it for the sole purpose of scaring her out of wanting to be a vampire. He doesn’t even attempt to explain where he’s coming from because he falls into whole-scale panic. When he loses control of the trajectory of others--of how they perceive certain things about him--all of his charisma fails him. If he can’t explain or justify where he is mentally, when he’s too afraid they won’t hear him or care, then he needs to redirect the opposing party). Additionally, he feels responsible; that he can better adjust the outcome with his experience--and while that may be true for some things, sometimes he gets ahead of himself. Only an individual can decide their own future and their own happiness, the most others can do is enhance or worsen aspects of life. He doesn’t have enough faith that his presence is positive or worthwhile enough to guarantee his spouse’s happiness ;-;

The other possibility I see is MC coaxing him as best she can into reassurance that she’s happy with her new life. While he may have doubts, there is absolutely room for her to help him approach those fears little by little. If Leonardo has even a hint of doubt in regards to his dismal feelings about her being turned, a potential for acceptance may be nurtured. I don’t think his uncertainty would ever fully vanish; there will always be a lurking fear that a fate tied to his can only mean suffering and disappointment. Prove his worth and compassion with time, and this man will be unable to remember how life was lived before her. It would take a great deal of patience and a sizable obstacle, but it wouldn’t be impossible. His heart is much too big for that, I think.

I don’t think happiness with a turned MC is impossible, only that it would take a lot of work to swing it after a heated moment of decision. I think the way to go with Leonardo is a more enduring effort. He shows much more receptivity after years of being together. I think time, ironically, helps him relax into the possibility of forever as a couple. I think he cannot conceptualize a world in which he is in love, and that this love is not conditional--not dependent on his ability to be the perfect companion, the brilliant inventor, the equanimous mentor. I think he needs to see for himself that love can be gentle and real and whole even when he’s at his worst (by his self-perception). 

Also I put some extra meta under the cut because I have brainworms and just can’t stop thinking about Leonardo rn so read if you like, but it’s more related to why he feels this way abt turning MC than necessarily about the outcome. 

That being said, I'm conflicted because I don't necessarily think Leonardo only loves MC because she's human? (Rather, I think it’s more a result of his history and the values he’s developed in response to that upbringing. But I’ll loop back to this in a bit, so stay tuned)

I say this for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want to say that no person in this period shared his values (I mean look at Comte)--this would be an overstatement, even if it was rare. But it does appear that Comte and Leonardo are acute exceptions within vampire society in elevating human beings to an equal status among vampires (if not a higher status at points or depending on the person). As such, a vampire partner he’d be comfortable living with is unlikely. Human beings are more optimal in some regards (more adaptable and more egalitarian than vampires, most likely), but he also knows that he’s more susceptible to falling in love with a human; so he makes sure to squash his feelings or remove himself when his feelings become too intense. 

Secondly, he's in close quarters with MC by necessity, and reacts to her isolation by virtue of the situation. That's probably half the reason they get together at all; he was fully intending to keep his distance despite his initial curiosity. One thing this signals to me is that even when Leonardo did feel attraction to any person he was in contact with, he would avoid them until they were removed from his presence--or he deflected their romantic approaches enough times for them to give up. With this in mind, it can come as no surprise that Leonardo has kept to himself for nearly five hundred years now. If it was another vampire hitting on him (especially a pureblood), he would be playing into his parents' expectations and would approach the vampire social hierarchy he was working so hard to escape. If they were human, he would deem himself a burden; he could never love them within the normal expectations of a human couple (growing old together, raising a family, etc etc). So ultimately I think it's less her being human, and more their compatibility and context.

As such, I think he just locks himself into a kind of Catch-22? Because in the end I think this is more about his own fears and insecurities--that he can never make someone happy, that he himself will never be enough (hello child of abusive home). Not to oversimplify his character, but one crucial element of his upbringing must be considered if he is to be analyzed properly.

There's something I often think about:

Comte, quoting Leonardo: "‘Not all parents love their children, or even think of them as such.’"  [Though he got away and was able to make a life for himself, he had to do it alone.]

There is. A LOT to unpack here. While we may not have evidence of what his familia is like firsthand, this description tells us...so many heartbreaking things. It tells us that Leonardo never once felt like anything more than a child intended to carry on a legacy. The likelihood that his insights, his feelings, or his entire self-hood were acknowledged is pretty much at a hardcore negative three. While it's been a good number of years since he was the problem child/family disappointment, I feel like so many of those experiences seep into his capacity to properly accept the love of another person. It's a good portion of the reason he struggles so intensely with being loved despite his unfathomable wealth of affection for other people. When a person is diagnosed with unlovable and cringe for having positive feelings for others, it's not really surprising that a person might have trouble accepting a commitment or attraction to another person. There is...a kind of Sisyphus dilemma that surfaces in the wake of that kind of life, a constant push + pull between craving acceptance and either expecting it’s loss and/or fearing it’s disappointment. Though he shows signs of healing from it, there are still portions that linger. (Jean-Paul shakes him from this self-berating in his MS, but after four hundred years he still struggles to overcome those instincts. I wish there were words for the extent to which that knowledge breaks my heart...Many say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I think only others can heal them.)

Keep in mind, I don't think his enduring fallacy that "human beings are the epitome of untainted purpose and vitality" is irrelevant or less problematic here. I just think it's a reflection of a deeper disturbance and loss. It's a reflection of his parents' unilateral rejection of the kinder parts of him; his devotion to patience and understanding. It's a kind of reiteration or what he's already known: he's doing exactly what his parents did in an odd way, he's rejecting vampirism whole-scale despite evidence of both pros and cons (just as it is for humanity). I will always offer that his fear of something going wrong during the change is completely valid--but it does feel more like a fear of admitting that vampires (and eternity for that matter) aren't inherently awful. He ran away from his parents for good reason of course, but for all his running he didn’t escape their black and white logic.

It’s funny too, because his absolutism is kind of reflected in his inability to commit to a single discipline in some ways; while part of it is that he probably exhausts study, I have to wonder how much of him oscillating is a fear of eventual failure. (Think his reaction to MC’s knowledge that he can’t dance, his mortification and utter...shock that she wouldn’t use it as a way to make him feel terrible about himself). He probably prefers to hone his skills helping people because the motivation of providing relief is a much more powerful motivator than knowledge for knowledge’s own sake. He needs the impetus, that drive to move him.

Granted, I won't fault anyone for feeling like Leonardo only loves MC for her humanity. At first glance it really did feel that way! But the more I think about it, the more I feel it has more to do with the weight of his life's experience, and the parts of himself he hasn’t been able to reconcile.

Sometimes, with Leonardo, I urge gentleness. So much of who he is disguises all the ways in which he has been hurt. While his decision is selfish and foolish, it comes from a broken place. My unhappiness will always lie predominantly with the fact that he believes to his core that happiness and self-respect is something he doesn’t deserve. 

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp mc #ikevamp meta #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp comte #er this response got a lot longer and more detailed than i meant it to be but uh #i hope it's helpful? #this is just how i tend to think about the game but then im also a feral leo stan alhkjadagd #im just that meme like 'i love you but i hate you but i love you' with leo LMFAO #sometimes u just gotta smack some sense into the man (which is why i love that Jean-Paul does exactly that HAHAHA) #but yeah most of the time i look at leo and have to resist the urge to cry and the recent event has been absolutely no exception #i would die for him

[thejosh1980]

I was lookin' back to see if she was lookin' back...

Yesterday Alex, Mum and I celebrated...

It's been one year since Alex and I arrived at Mum's place in Ocean Shores, NSW Australia.

If you've read my earlier blogs in 2020, you'll know that we had a lot of trouble getting home. Between the government and airlines, at one point it looked like we'd never get here; we were stranded. I was living in constant worry, stress and hopelessness - in fact, we all were: Alex's family in Germany and Mum's family down under.

Our July 2020 flights were cancelled or rescheduled many times, and eventually we decided to buy new, more expensive flights, on another airline through an agency, which gave us some assurances we'd be on the flight. Our new flights booked and confirmed for early September.

We flew Frankfurt to Adelaide, which was not our original plan. Adelaide had no COVID, and the chance of getting on a flight and getting into the country was higher than say, Brisbane, or Sydney. We could quarantine in Adelaide for 2 weeks and then fly on to Brisbane, which is closer to Ocean Shores.

That was like.... so last year...

This area where we now live is known as the Northern Rivers of New South Wales, and when we arrived at Mum's there was no COVID in the area. We are only about 35 minutes south of the Queensland border, about 8 hours north of the big smoke, Sydney.

Now, a year on, COVID has arrived here.

It's been biting at the heals of tourists and essential workers travelling north since Sydney went into lockdown a couple of months ago.

It's not our idea of a good time.

Right now it's school holidays, which is meant to be 2 weeks of families holidaying in caravan parks and hotels, an essential part of this tourist attraction mecca. Byron Bay, Brunswick Heads, and surrounds are usually very popular places; so popular that most locals complain about how busy it gets here during the holidays. You just can't get a parking sport anywhere!

The Northern Rivers was locked down for about 6 weeks through August into September because cases from Sydney were getting into regional NSW. These regional areas affected by COVID weren't near here, but they made a blanket rule for everywhere outside of Sydney, just to be on the safe side.

Honestly, I don't blame them for the rule, regional outback Australia can't cope with COVID, there's few hospitals, beds, or COVID experience in the scrub and farm land.

Anyhow, I digress...

After those 6 weeks or so in lockdown, they lifted the restrictions here in the northern rivers (and other areas of NSW).

And now, after 2 weeks, lockdown is back on...

There are a couple of cases in the area. Snap lockdowns are the government's preferred method of containing outbreaks. Lockdown areas wherever cases pop up for a week or two (or longer) to limit exposure.

It reminds me constantly that life can change quickly at any time. I have decided I will not waste time once this current lockdown has ended (who knows when that will be). I will visit friends, family, and musicians who live close by. I want to see as many folks as quickly as possible, before another lockdown kicks in.

Besides the boring, never ending tale of COVID, there have been a few things happening this past year...

Alex has been working consistently in the real estate industry since her temporary visa kicked in late last year.

Her first job was a few more miles away than any of us locals would consider driving, and the position wasn't as enjoyable or rewarding as she had first hoped. She really dived in the deep end, and while she didn't drown, she probably needed a few swimming lessons before the attempt. It was a life lesson, one she took on board, and when a new job came up closer to home, she nailed the interview (as she always does), and hasn't looked back.

The 2nd job is less than half the distance away, strictly 9 to 5 and in a company which she enjoys. There's a strong company structure, good work ethic, and entertaining colleagues. Her supervisors, colleagues, and managers are all very supportive; I think she'll be sitting tight on this one for a while.

Alex has also found her creative side again, scrap book journalling, instant camera photography, and some kind of couples diary/journal/photo book too. It's become an almost nightly affair of focusing, creating, and having something to show for it fairly quickly. She's very proud of her work, and it's something she does just for herself. I don't expect you'll get a chance to see a photo of what she's done, and she likes it like that.

I had a bit of work late in 2020 and early 2021, nothing special really, but wait until the premier!! It's interesting to think that some day soon I'll be able to go to the cinema and see my ugly mug on the big screen (even if it will most likely be out of focus). I'll be on Netflix too.

Having the opportunity to be an extra on film and TV was a real boost for my confidence after being off stage for so long. I felt creative, met some great people, made some friends, and had a few bucks in my pocket. Happy days.

By jumping into an industry I hadn't been in before right after arriving here, it reminded me that Australia has a lot to offer. I found myself comparing Germany and Australia, and Australia often feels like it comes up short. This was a chance to prove to myself that there are adventures awaiting here down under.

So, I decided to go back to school.

The last time I was in a class room was in 1998!! I am studying a Diploma of Counselling, and am currently half way through my studies. I've found it very challenging, but have passed every assessment so far, and gained some handy skills too. I have a good connection with my teachers, and I really enjoy the company of my classmates; some of which I can even call friends.

I chose counselling for a few reasons, but the first step was really just a process of elimination. Besides being a freelance professional musician for several years in Germany, I had worked in offices, shops, warehouses, kindergartens and various other jobs. While I could go back into IT or something similar, I wanted to use this opportunity to try something new.

I had my fair share of mental health issues in the past (and present). I thought maybe those experiences could help me connect with folks who need support as well. When looking at course options, the counselling course stood out. So now I'm making a mid life crisis gamble that I'll pass the course, and feel confident and knowledgeable enough to take on the role that many others have taken on for me over the years.

The course has helped me find a routine too, one that I didn't know I needed, until it happened. When you're jobless and unfocused, the mind wanders, the days pass. Now my mind is focused on study, and I feel better for it.

Up until the lockdown hit, we were in class 3 days a week and then I'd study from home 1 to 3 days a week. When lockdown hit, we had to go online. However, being on the computer so much has worn me out, and I really start to enjoy those rare days where I am not looking at a screen!

To be honest, it's been challenging every step of the way, and I even thought about quitting several times in the past few months. However, my confidence has steadily risen to each challenge and I felt better for it.

That's the kind of vicious circle I enjoy.

In July I had my first live show in 13 months! In fact, to date I've only had 3 since the pandemic started! Fingers crossed I can cross the border next month and add a 4th.

I was approached by Cherry Divine to play guitar for her. It's a relatively easy gig for me. The songs are fun rockabilly tunes, Cherry sings great, and she already has a band and gigs. I'm helping her write a few songs too, for her next album. I can't thank her enough for sparkin' the fire in me to keep music alive in my life; for a while there I thought it was all a thing of the past.

With the spark has come the possibility of “The Josh” solo band coming together. While the band isn't moving at any great speed (the recent 2nd lockdown kicked in right as I was about to arrange a rehearsal), I'm finally eager to get a band together. I miss playing live, and I miss having musicians in my life. I miss the spontaneity of a show, life on the road, and crowd reactions.

I've even started to write some new material, and get those ideas on “tape”, well, on the computer. Slow and steady, between studying, family, pets and surfing, music is coming back into my life, and it feels good.

Our family unit here is doing well. Alex and I have been under mum's roof and mum's care for a year now. There are some ups and downs, but mostly I'd say they're ups... The house is big enough to give all of us space, all of us get time outside of the house (except during lockdown, I was mostly stuck at home, but that's OK for me)...

Last night we couldn't go out for dinner, but we did have take away from the local Indian which was really good, and a special treat for us, we don't eat out often.

Alex and I plan to get away every 5-6 months for a visit to somewhere we haven't been. In March we were on the “Sunshine Coast” and checked out Australia Zoo, and in June we went south to the mid north coast to pick up BB Junior.

It's nice to get out and explore. A bit hard to do at the moment, with the restrictions, but we've agreed another trip away (before Christmas if possible) is in order. Those trips are part of the reason why I came home, to see some of Australia, and I'm lucky I get to make those experiences with Alex.

It's also nice to get away from it all. I know we live in a beautiful spot near the ocean, but here, at home, there's the computers, the life and routine, and getting away keeps us fresh and focused on each other. It's definitely something I look forward to!

Speaking of BB Junior, he's almost 7 months old now, and a real character. While he's not the easiest cat to train, I've been getting a few tricks out of him, and he enjoys his time outside, with his harness and long lead. He visits his cousin each week for play time, Charlie, who is another ragdoll of a family friend who loves to play chase all day long with Junior. Alex adores Junior, and Junior adores Alex; they can't wait to cuddle when she comes home from work. He's very vocal too, so even when everyone is at work, I have someone to talk to!

Losing our little boy Mijo was a real difficult experience. I know I've written about him before, but he deserves a mention here, as he was a big part of our first year here. He was full of character and strength, he and I bonded very quickly and not a day goes by I don't think of him. He also brought Alex and I closer together. When she chose him for me, and when he passed, and all points in between, he brought us closer.

I've been focused on sport a fair bit since getting back and settling in. I bought a RowErg, also known as a rowing machine, and I row about twice a week, in addition to riding my bicycle about twice a week. I try to surf every chance I get, which unfortunately ends up being only a few times a month. It's my goal to do something sporty to get my heart rate up every day, and of late, usually I get there too. I don't really do it for any other reason than I love to snack and I can't snack if I don't do sport!

A benefit of my sport/snack workout routine is it helps me stay calm and focused and connected with those I ride and surf with.

I haven't asked Mum how she's feeling about having her middle aged son and his wife living with her recently. Maybe I should, but do I really wanna know the answer? Well, I think she's OK with it. After all, we drive her wherever she wishes! I suspect it goes a little deeper than that, and in all honesty, we enjoy each other's company.

Since Alex and I have been here, I'd like to think Mum has been living a little bit fuller life. I don't think her eyesight has deteriorated much in the past year, but we've been able to provide her with support, eyes to read the small print, driving and help with google, or something around the house. When Mum was diagnosed with celiac disease earlier this year, Alex took her shopping to check over the ingredients of Mum's favourite food, and when needed, found alternatives. It definitely made the transition to gluten free a little easier on Mum and it was a load off my mind that we were around to help her through that phase.

Winter 2021 was over before it even started. I forgot how warm this part of the world is, and I don't know why I own so many jackets! Returning from Europe, where I was wearing a jacket daily for about 9 months of the year, here it feels like, if it's really needed, and I mean if you're desperate, you might need one for 9 weeks of the year. I think the heater was on a handful of times, and the sun was shining just about every day.

I tell ya, it's some kind of paradise here.

It's been a bit difficult keeping up with our European friends and family. I sometimes find it hard to find the time to be proactive to contact the 20, 30 or more friends I'd like to keep in touch with regularly. I know our lives keep on keepin' on, but time passes by so quickly too, and next thing you know it's been 4 months since I last contacted you!

Sorry about that!

Don't take it personally, and I'll get back to you, eventually!

My overall mental health has improved over the year, I'd say it's become quite stable since I started the course. I mean, can't you tell? I write less and less in this blog, because I have less and less to process. I'm not sure if it's the fact there's a lot of self reflection that is inherently a part of doing that kind of mental health course, or if it's the routine of being a student or the new friends I've made and classmates I study with.

It could be that it's taken a year to come to terms with being back here, cause when I first arrived I felt uncomfortable, depressed and worn out... There were a lot of questions; is this a mid life crisis? What am I doing here? Will I ever feel good again? Is my music career over? What am I going to do now? Is Alex OK? Is Mum OK?

My journalling, blogging, and support from friends and family has helped a lot too this past year. Processing my thoughts in words, by clarifying and reflecting, has helped a lot. I've been trying to care for myself a bit more now and then too, I think people call it self care, sometimes I call it sport! Alex has helped me to recognise my achievements, however big or small, and focus less on what I haven't done.

I'm not perfect, but definitely improving.

I was hoping that Alex and I would be in a position to start looking at buying our own house around this time, a year in, but unfortunately, with one of us being a student and the ever rising cost of housing, we have to sit tight on that idea for a while longer. Sorry Mum, you're stuck with us.

There's been many smaller things happen during our first year here. Lots of moments of gratitude, love and support. There's some stuff we've forgotten, or that has been overtaken by something bigger. All in all, I'd say it's been a real rollercoaster home coming!

We're still here, a year on, still going strong, making motions, taking chances, being in love, talking shit, laughing, smiling, misbehaving and focusing... What more could we ask for?

Thank you for reading, for your support and love. I love you too.

Josh

#covid pandemic #1 year celebration #reflection #family life #relationships

[willowbleedsonpaper]

Ghost Of You (Part 3)

Draco Malfoy x Muggle!Reader

W.C. : 2600

Summary:  The war with Voldemort was over. Draco Malfoy was forced to flee for his life ending up in Muggle London where he met you, the muggle whose house he broke in looking for a place to hide. You agreed to let him hide in your house if he promised to let you live your life normally. How will your relationship work as time passes and you both realize you’re no longer just partners in crime?

A/N: Hellooooo! It’s me again. Part three and more to come, so get yourself some snacks. I am loving writing this so thank you for reading and leaving comments, they make my day better. Also thank you to all the new followers, I really hope you like the content. Anyway, sorry for putting so much dialogue, I can’t help myself sometimes. Okay, that’s it. Happy reading! 

Shoot me an ask or something if you wanna be tagged in Ghost Of You or my other work :)

Warnings: None

*Not mi GIF. Credits to th creator* 

Draco watched as you got out of the car, your head low for more than just looking for the keys in your bag. You had been avoiding his gaze since he was question all about you in your class. He found interesting that your students  were so curious about you, then again, he didn’t really know. 

You opened the door and got inside instantly, putting your bag down in the table by the door and going straight upstairs, shutting your door without even looking back at him.

He closed the front door, finding himself lost and confused. He wanted to feel bad for using you in that way. When he broke into your house he never thought he’ll find himself in this situation, he just needed a place to hide and take care of his wound, you arriving home was something he didn’t count on but it proved it had both a use for his benefit as well as a dowside. 

He would have never thought you would offer him your house to hide in, making him doubt if you were actually a muggle and not someone pretending, your rage towards him and the Imperius curse being a good start in him thinking you were actually who you claimed to be: a clueless muggle with a sharp tongue. He took your offer right away, if the Death Eaters found him there he could run and leave you to your fate. Did he wanted another life ending on his account? No, but he’ll do it if it meant he lived.

He walked to the room you showed him as his, the bag he enchanted to have endless space hidden under the pillow, containing the little belongings he took from his home before he ran. It had been a couple rough years after the so called Battle of Hogwarts. Harry Potter had won, he had killed Voldemort and become the hero they all knew he was. 

The ministry had forgiven the Malfoy’s for their part in the war, claiming they had no other choice with the Dark Lord himself living in his house and his loyal followers at every turn. He’ll never wished that to anyone, the fear of not knowing if the day he woke up was the day he would be tortured to insanity or even death. He was glad he got out of that house. 

But the ministry didn’t ensure his safety beyond that, death eaters roamed the wizarding world still and they had a burning thirst for blood, his blood. After all he was the one who threw his wand at Potter, he was the one who runned to the other side when the Chosen One came back from the dead. He was the traitor.

He knew you were afraid of him, you didn’t seem this morning but something at the school changed and he was faced with completely different person. You were being careful of every move your body made, of every word you said, of every step you took. You reminded him of first years at Hogwarts, every new generation heard of the mean Slytherin Prince and the fearful glances and avoidant looks were always there, he grew used to it in no time. 

Yet, he didn’t want you to be scared of him. If he was to stay there he wanted it to be somewhat peaceful, if not pleasant. He didn’t want Hogwarts to repeat itself, he wanted to feel some kind of comfort. He wasn’t sure why but he knew he could find that there with you.

********************************************************************

Eleven o’clock. It just had turned eleven and you hadn’t left your room at all. Draco sat patiently at the table in the kitchen, a hot cup of tea in his hands as he stared deep into the collection of mugs proudly displayed in the counter. He wondered why you had so many mugs if you lived by yourself, surely you didn’t have twenty people over to use them all.  

He thought countless times in going up to your room to see if you were alright, fighting with himself between that and you being a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. But then he remembered he was essentially the reason why you had locked yourself in your room. You were avoiding him.

He stood up form the chair, taking a glass of water with him so you would have something to drink. He started to feel nervous for some reason, his hand sweaty as he knocked on the door. Receiving no answer, he went to reach the knob twisting it softly revealing your dark room. 

The lights were off and the curtains left little to no light shine through them. He turn to your bed, a bundle of blankets and pillows where, he assumed, you were buried.

“Y/N” he called softly, one of the pillows falling to the ground with the movement of your body.

“Go away” you muttered from underneath a giant blanket, turning your back at him. 

He stepped inside your room and against your previous words going around the bed watching you roll on your side, he let out a defeated sigh, placing the glass of water in your nightstand and going to the door again. He took a last glance at you, before closing the door and going to his room for the night.

********************************************************************

The previous day had brought you down like you’ve never experienced, the mere thought of putting one of your students in danger just do defy your partner was one that made you feel like the worst person in the world. You didn’t know what he was capable of, and you couldn’t go back to the school until he was gone from your life. 

But how long until he left?

You knew you were being reckless, he would use his magic word and tell you to shut up and sit. You were ready for it, you were going to annoy him until he left, you were determined to make him leave. 

You made your way downstairs, finding the place empty. You walked around, checking the living room and the kitchen, you doubted he was in the washing room but still you checked. The only place left being his room and the bathroom, you were practically running around the house when you crashed against something hard in one of your turns.

You felt on your back with a loud thud, yours hands barely making it up to the back of your head. Your eyes were scrunched close and you stayed like that for longer than necessary. 

“What are you doing?” you heard him ask you in annoyance, not bothering to give you a hand he just stared at you from his stance. A disapproving look in his face when he walked over you. But then he took a second glance at you, you wore sweatpants and a plain t-shirt, your hair was still up in a bun and you had no shoes on. You had just woken up “You’re going to be late for work.” he told you, never taking his eyes off of you.

You had clumsily stood, your body aching everywhere “I’m not going,” you said “I called in sick.”

“You’re not sick” he said matter of factly. His grey eyes were burning holes in you, having to physically shield yourself crossing your arms over your chest and looking everywhere but his way “Y/N…”

“I know I’m not sick,” you said talking over him “But you’re right. Is risky to go out if they’re looking for you, it could slip out of me” you lied, getting a bowl and some cereal. 

He squinted his eyes at you, following your movement through the kitchen in silence. You finished preparing your breakfast and had to meet his face if you didn’t want to make the situation any more awkward, which ended up like that anyway “You’re not doing it for me” he said. 

It wasn’t a question.

You sighed loudly, falling in one of the empty chairs “It doesn’t matter why I’m doing it.” you said in defeat “You’re hiding, I told you could stay here. Fine! Just don’t use that one on me again” your eyes falling to his sleeve where you knew he hid his wand.

“I won’t use it on you” he said lowly, a hurt look settling in his face.

“Or anyone” you added, quickly regretting it at the snap of his head at you. He looked offended “You took it with you to the school and, look, I don’t want to know how you do it,” you explained, not knowing if you made things worse “I’m willing to let you stay here, but there are things that I don’t want to know for my own sanity, like why you carry a wand or who is after you because I know if you tell me there is not going back from that.” 

He looked to your face intently, your brow knitted like you already knew something was wrong and dangerous with him there. Still, you were helping him. He believed muggles would jump at any witch or wizard at the first sign of something magical, but you didn’t want to know. He never thought a muggle would be so interesting and considerate,  that he would be so amazed by you.

“If that’s what you want” he said with a nod of his head.

“It is.” you assured him “And as long as you are here I won’t go to work, so you don’t have to go with me.” you said, head low as you played with the now soggy cereal.

“Why?” he whispered, finding your kindness towards him awfully misplaced.

You didn’t know what to say, only an hour ago you were determined to make him leave. What could you say to him, you remind me of me when I was in college? Alone and to no one to turn to for help. If I was you in your place I would want someone to the same for me?.

“I don’t know.” you mumbled, pushing your plate away. “I want to help you, but I can’t risk my students or the people at my job. They’re all I have.”

********************************************************************

The day was spent in uncomfortable silence, you tried to use your free day cleaning your house and doing all kind of chores you didn’t have the time to do on school days. You even managed to cook which was a once every full moon occurrence.

Draco had stayed with you after that, not interacting with you in anyway, just watching you. 

“Do you have anything you would like me to wash?” you asked him, poking your head from the washing room with a basket full of your laundry. You didn’t even know why you offered that but it was something you didn’t mind at all, you were going to do it anyway.

He retrieved a couple shirts from his room, giving them hesitantly to you. You kept on making quick work there, feeling his eyes on you from the door. “Do you have friends?” he asked you, taking you by surprise with his question,

“Uh, the other teachers at school are nice,” you said with a small smile “We hang out sometimes after classes, but not really. My life is more dedicated to myself and my work.”

“What about your family?” He said, reaching something from the top shelf you were struggling to get.

You muttered a Thank you, placing the clothes in the washing machine and closing it. You turned him a nervous smile “They don’t talk to me” you admitted pursing your lips “I wanted to be a teacher, they didn’t agree and made me choose and here I am.”

“You turned against your family?” he asked you with a breathy voice, his posture completely straight. You chuckled a little at his reaction, like a little kid who meets and older much more cooler kid. He looked at you in awe.

“Is not that uncommon, but they were a little harsh.” you shared “Told me I couldn’t go back home if I didn’t have a law degree. I don’t, so I won’t go back”

He hummed, nodding his head softly turning his body to follow your movement to the kitchen “So you’ve been alone…”

“Since I was 18.” you said with a smile in his way. You didn’t mind the questions, you could see he was trying to make you more comfortable around him and even if you appreciated that, you couldn’t help but be scared of him. You needed more time. “Although alone is a little dramatic. I had a boyfriend, you know?” he rose an eyebrow at you and you laughed “Believe it or not, I did.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it, I figured from the oversized t-shirt”” he told you, a blush rising in your cheeks, looking down to your clothes. You usually tied a knot on the front to make it more stylish but it still swimmed in your body “I just assumed you still were together.” he said.

“Thankfully we’re not, otherwise you being here would raise hell on earth.” the sound that left his lips make you turn with a surprised look in your eyes, he had chuckled. You beamed, the sound the most melodic you’ve heard in a long time.

“Hadn’t thought of that.” he admitted and you relaxed a little, maybe you could trust him with time.

“What about you?” you asked, his eyes lifting to you with an eyebrow raised “Is there a girlfriend? Boyfriend?” you wiggled your eyebrows and this time he laughed, a smile in his face. You had it in you to make him smile.

“I thought you didn’t want to know things about me?” he asked you with a grin.

 “Are they the one you’re hiding from?” you asked with a laugh “Then please keep it to yourself.” you paused looking up a him with, wrinkling your nose “Thinking about it, if you don’t say anything I’ll know they are after you, maybe you shouldn’t answer.” you shook your head, squinting your eyes in thought.

He stared deeply at you, watching as you thoughtlessly chopped some fruit, lost inside your head. “My girlfriend is not after me,” he said specifically to see your reaction, not wavering for a second he scolded himself for the disappointing feeling that had set deep in his head “That would require having one in the first place”

You scoffed, turning to him and handing him a plate “Funny.” you said sarcastically “So no one waiting home for your return?”

He thought about it. Who would be waiting for him back home? No one really, his parents were the ones that had helped him escape, telling him to never return unless they specifically said so. The Death Eaters becoming a common visit at the Manor.

“No, no one” he answered bitterly.

You could pinpoint the exact moment his mood change, feeling bad that you had asked. “Well,” you started, grabbing two mugs from your counter and filling them with coffee “to no one waiting for us back home.” you said giving him a mug and raising yours in the air.

He looked at you, tilting his head with the mug close to his chest “That’s a depressing toast.” he said. You gave him an annoyed look, letting your hand fall from where he had left you hanging. 

“Do you have a better idea?” you said with a roll of your eyes.

“Actually, I do.” he beamed, raising his own mug “To partners in crime.”

You smiled, the mugs clinking as you toasted “To partners in crime.”

TAGS: @fanficflaneuse​ @accio-rogers​ @gloriousrebelrunaway​ @slytherinprincess03​ @coldlilheart​ @aasthapiplani​ @nebulablakemurphy​ @strawberriesonsummer​ @l1teralegend​

#Draco Malfoy #draco x reader #draco malfoy fanfiction #draco malfoy x reader #draco lucius malfoy #draco x muggle!reader #draco malfoy x muggle!reader #muggle!reader #harry potter fanfiction #hp fanfic #hp fanfiction #Harry Potter

[korra-the-red-lion]

Unnatural Affairs. Chapter 3: Rookie Hazing?

(Lyn)

My breathing fell into my familiar breathing pattern as I jogged through the town. The early morning sun was peeking through the clouds, trying to be seen. My music was blasting through my earbuds as I turned to go through the walking trail this morning.

Today was the first day of actual classes and practices. Me and a few of the others already have been to the pool a bunch this week, but this is when shit got real. After the disappointing loss to Turner University at last year’s AUS, Coach Jacob and team really wanted to get the title this year. It was one thing to lose, it was another thing all together to lose by 1 fucking point. Ugh, even just thinking about it pissed me off. Turner is a good school, don’t get me wrong. But man, we worked our assess off last year.

I passed by an older couple going out for their usual morning walk. I waved to them as I always do, earning a smile in return. I liked the coziness of this small town. Being able to see the same people every morning doing their routine as I did was relaxing and brought a sense of calm to my otherwise chaotic life.

I sprinted the final couple of kilometers home, slowing down as I approached the track around the football field. Loryn, Maddie, and Andrew where already there, chatting as they stretched for their early morning workout.

Loryn smiled when she saw me coming and tossed me my water bottle. I pulled out my music and took a huge swig from it. “Thanks, I really needed that,” I said. I lifted the end of my shirt and wiped the sweat and water off my face.

“No problem-o,” she responded. “How was your run?”

“Same as usual,” I said as I take another drink.

Andrew walked over and gave me a huge hug. “Ready for the season, Lyn?”

I nodded into his shoulder, holding onto his shirt. Andrew was the captain of the Men’s team, and he was like an older brother to me. This was his last year on the team, and I really wanted to win the championship for him and the other 4th years. They put so much into this program, and just one win would be an awesome reward for them.

“Please don’t cry, or I might start too,” he mumbled.

“Not crying,” I pulled away, grinning at him. “I’m just thinking of how lame the team’s gonna be once you finally retire from it. Are they gonna make Will the captain next year, because like, yeesh.”

This earned a laugh from Andrew. “Well, I frigging hope not. Y’all better vote for Oliver, or Thom. If Will gets the captain position next year, you’re all doomed.”

“Fuck me with a rusty screw if Will gets it,” said Maddie bitterly. “The only thing bigger than his ego is his Hummer. I swear, I will never get over his parents airlifting that thing across the fucking country.”

It’s not like we hated Will or anything, he just was a huge pain in the ass. Both his parents are doctors, and he makes a point of letting you know how much money he has. During his first year here, apparently, his parents had his Hummer helicoptered across the country so he could have it here. Not sure why he didn’t drive the damned thing instead, but the rich do very extreme and extravagant things to prove their wealth. Maddie is a 3rd year like Will, so she’s been putting up with his Will-ness longer than Loryn or I.

We did our usual morning workout routine, just to get used to the rhythm again. Medicine ball tosses to each other with an added squat. After that, 2 sets of 20 jackknifes, 2 sets of 25 crunches, and 2 sets of 1 minute plank. We did our wheelbarrow run across the football field, giggling like fools as we did. Andrew and Maddie beat me and Loryn by a fingertip. Loryn jokingly apologized for being too short, a running joke on the team.

After that, we headed to food hall. Loryn liked to make fun of me for calling it that, since it was technically called meal hall, but that’s where I get all my food, not just meals. Hence, food hall. Still, she immediately started teasing me as we got near it.

The hall was abuzz with all the new frosh and returning students talking about their classes. It was nice to see this place so lively after being essentially dead for the week. I could already hear people talking about going to First Class Bash, the big first party of the year. I never really went to those often, parties that is, since the team had a drinking ban in place as soon as the season started. Maybe if some of the guys on the team wanted to go I would, but I was just as happy to stay in with the goofballs and have our own get together.

Oh shit, speaking of. The rookie party was this weekend, actually. It almost slipped my mind. Today was their official first day. It may sound weird, but Coach Jacob liked having them come for their own practice to get used to each other and the facilities first. That way, if they don’t feel like sticking around, there’s none of that awkward shame of seeing your ex-teammates on campus. Not that anyone actually gave a shit.

I sat down next to Matt and Kerry, two members of the team. They were nearly identical twins, but with different body builds since they swam different strokes. Matt was bulkier in his shoulders and trunk cuz he swam butterfly like I did, while Kerry was leaner but a bit bowlegged from swimming breaststroke for so many years. Kerry was letting her hair grow out after shaving it last year, and it was tied up in this stupidly adorable tiny ponytail, while Matt had shaved his hair into practical buzzcut. Kerry leaned over once I was settled and pointed.

“Did you see?”

“Did I see what?” I asked as I shoved the whole fried egg into my mouth.

“Derek is sitting with Poppy.”

I rolled my eyes. Derek Freeman was one of my exes from last year. Lyn from first year got a little crazy when it came to dating, and I ended up going through 6 different people before finally calling it quits. Derek was one of them, but he was by far the worse. He got super possessive and couldn’t understand why I dumped his creepy ass. He always knew my schedule and followed me everywhere. He would wait for me outside the pool and walk back to my res with me, which would have been super sweet if he didn’t ask to come inside every single time. Even after we broke up, he still followed me places. Eventually he got the message once I started dating Willa Hoffman, but man was he annoying.

Then there was Poppy. There was nothing wrong with her, per se. We just were partners on a project last year and she nearly cost me getting an A+ in Intro to Sociology, much to my annoyance. I cared a lot, maybe a little bit too much, about my grades. So, yeah, there’s nothing that really pisses me off more when you get stuck with a shit partner for a project.

“Honestly, Ker, I don’t care,” I said. “Hell, they deserve each other IMO.”

Kerry shrugged as she got back into her seat properly, finally letting Matt get back to eating. We ate in comfortable silence before Matt spoke up.

“Gunner is on probation.”

I dropped my fork in confusion. Even Kerry looked confused. “What do you mean, Matt?” I asked, leaning against the table as I did, locking eyes with him.

He sighed and ran a hand over his head. “Okay, don’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know, but Gunner was caught doing drugs this summer. Like, coke. Anyway, Jacob heard about it and helped him through rehab and stuff, but the dean put him on probation until his grades and attitude prove that he actually got clean.”

“Shiiiiiiit,” I pushed my tray away. Leo Gunner was the best sprinter on the team, leading the Men’s team to having great scores in the relay last year. If he wasn’t allowed to swim this season, we might be in serious trouble. There was no one as fast as him. The next best would be Parker, and even then, he wasn’t near Gunner’s level.

“Oh, that’s awful,” said Kerry, putting her hand over her mouth.

Matt nodded. “Yeah, it’s shit for sure. I talked to him this morning and apparently, he’s allowed to practice, but he might not be allowed to sign up for the meets. I think Jacob might bring it up to Andrew and Emma today, but he might not let the rest of the team know just yet.”

The information sat heavy in my stomach. I walked all the way to my class with my mind racing, wondering if there was any way we could fight this decision. All conclusions came to a resounding no. The university was pretty strict about athletes using illegal substances. They only thing that probably saved his ass was that it happened this summer.

I took my usual spot near the front, waiting for the rest of the students to fill in. This was a second-year history course, and I really wanted to be psyched for it, considering history was my favourite subject, but it was hard when I was worrying about things out of my control.

“Mind if I sit?”

I looked over and nearly groaned when I saw it was Will. I nodded, but he was already taking the seat anyway. I hated sitting next to Will, he just sat on Instagram the whole time, or TikTok. Fuck my life right now.

He reached over and tugged on my ear. “Why the long face, Lyn?”

I batted his hand away. He knew I was self-conscious of how big my ears were, and he liked to pick at that at any opportunity. “No long face here, Will.” I forced a grin onto my face before turning my attention back to my desk.

“Whatever you say.”

Ugh, def getting a new seat on Thursday. I can’t deal sitting next to him and dealing with his antics at practice too. There was only so much abuse one gal could take for the day.

XXX

Thank God it was Friday!

I managed my schedule perfectly, so I had no classes on Friday. It made the other days more miserable for sure, but having a three-day weekend every week? Exactly what I needed to stay on top of things this year. Just practice in the afternoon, and I was free to enjoy myself. The rookie party was tomorrow, and they were a good batch. Loryn’s younger sister Robin joined the team this year, which was super exciting for her.

I got to enjoy breakfast without having to rush it, plus no homework was assigned this week. Today was a nice one, and I was looking forward to just being able to chill and enjoy it. As I left, I happened to notice that Ally was leaving the food hall. Grinning, I raced over to where she was.

“Hey, Ally!” I fell into step beside her.

“Lyn!” Ally looked up at me, a smile breaking out. She had her hair in this half up pinned style, it looked really good on her. Also, she was wearing different glasses today. She usually wore some rectangle ones, but these ones were like a half moon shape.

“How’s your first week, frosh?” I asked.

“Well, after the disaster that was the bookstore incident…” she looked down, thinking about something before shaking her head. “It’s been lovely. I think once I get into a nice routine, I won’t feel as anxious.”

I was curious about the whole bookstore thing, but I respected that she clearly wasn’t ready to talk about it openly with me. Fair enough, we only just met last week, and I barely have seen her since.

“Hey, well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself so far! Is it cool if I walk with you until your next class? I’m free.”

“Oh,” she smiled shyly at me, “that would be really nice, actually.”

I smiled back. We chatted about her classes all the way to Bennet, where her class was. I leaned against the wall as she finished explaining something about her drama class. That was a class I took in first year, but it sounds like she has Professor Kinkly, whereas I had Professor Statton. Kinkly was more by the book, Statton was know as the campus kook. I had a feeling Ally was gonna like Kinkly more.

“I guess I should head in, huh?”

“I guess you should. But hey,” I said, “we should totally hang this weekend, you know? Whatcha doing tomorrow?”

Ally looked contemplative before shaking her head. “Nothing, I think.”

“Perfect! Let’s grab a bite to eat, and you can finish telling me all about your week.”

“O-okay, sounds great!”

Ally wished me a goodbye and dashed inside, as to not be late for class. I watched her go before snorting under my breath. I liked her, she was smart and funny. It would be nice to have someone as a friend outside the team. Guess it was just my lucky day when she approached that table I forced Loryn to help me set up.  

Feeling great, I practically skipped all the way back to my res.

XXX

The smell of chlorine was something that was never going to get old. It calmed me when nothing else could. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but the pool is my second home. Didn’t matter how I felt at home or school or whatever, I could come to a pool and swim those thoughts and troubles away.

We finished with our pre-practice routines, and I jumped into the pool, shivering a little as the cold water enveloped my body. Right away everything felt amazing. Reach, pull, reach, pull. The easy lazy rhythm of the warmup let my thoughts drift away. It was nearing the end of the warmup when I caught Andrew’s eye underwater during my turn, and we ended up racing our last 25 meters. He beat me and we high fived as I hung onto the lane rope.

Coach Jacob laughed as the others finished their warmups. He was a retired swimmer himself and did things to keep himself in shape. He had one of those kind faces that really made you feel welcomed. Sure, he could be a hard ass, but he just really wanted win, like we all did.

He read practice off the board for us, and we did as was instructed. In in a blink of an eye, practice was over, and we were all hauling our asses out of the pool. Practice wasn’t too hard today, but since it’s been a while since any of us had structure like that, we all felt the ache of the week catching up with us finally.

“Okay, gather ‘round!” Coach Jacob called out. We all headed towards the bench and took seats. Loryn sat next to me and we cuddled, trying to not freeze as we listened to what he had to say.

“So, this is the last year for some of us,” he indicated the 4th years with a nod, “and a new beginning for others,” a nod to the 1st years. “However, the goal is the same. We wanna be number one at AUS’s this year. We wanna send people to CIS’s this year. We wanna kick Turner’s stupid butt all over the pool deck. We start morning practice next week, 5:30 sharp, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Gym time is 6:00 on Tuesday and Thursday. We have our usual afternoon practice at 4:30 every day. If you can’t make practice, the reason better be fucking good. Rookies, never be afraid to ask questions. These guys are your family while you’re here, and like family, sometimes we don’t always get along. But try your best to stay pleasant with the others. Lastly, welcome to the Mount Seamus Wolves!” he finished with a huge grin. We clapped and headed into the locker rooms, where a hot shower was calling my name.

“Man, I am looking forward to the weekend!” Loryn said with a huge stretch as we grabbed our shampoo and conditioner.

“Me too,” I said with a grin. “I already made plans.”

“Oh my God, shut up! Who with?”

“That cute frosh from last week.”

Loryn scrunched up her face in thought. “Gabriel or the brunette you showed around?”

I laughed, hitting her playfully with my towel. “Dude, you’re the only one who thinks Gabe is cute, you know?”

“Not true! I know Jackie does too!”

“Damn right I do!” Jackie said, walking by us with a laugh.

We all laughed as we turned the water on. It felt great to take a hot shower after practice. We were gossiping about people on campus when I noticed something strange.

“Emma, are you okay?”

Emma, the captain for the Women’s team, looked over. “Huh, why you ask?”

I blinked. “Because you’re covered in…blood?”

She looked up and shrieked. Sure enough, something red and gooey was coming from the shower head. Actually, it was coming from all the showers! We all screamed and ran out, not even bothering to turn them off.

“What the actual fuck?” Emma was shaking with either anger or fear, wasn’t sure which it was. “Did someone think it would be funny to prank the rookies or something?” She whipped around to glare at all of us.

When no one fessed up, she growled in annoyance. “Okay, maybe one of the guys thought it would funny? Whoever did this, it’s seriously fucked up. Getting sprayed with fake blood is not how I wanted to end my Friday night!”

“Uh, not to be that person, Emma,” I said hesitantly, “but if it was fake blood…wouldn’t it have stopped by now?” I pointed over to the running showers, where a steady stream of red was still coming out.

Emma’s face paled. She looked at her hands, where the blood was and sniffed it. “Oh my God…it smells like copper.”

That’s when Jackie threw up all over the floor and Kerry burst into tears.

XXX

I was in my room, curled up under all the blankets I could possibly be curled under. We texted the boys after, to see if something similar happened to them. When Andrew and Matt both responded no, we got even more freaked out. We ended up calling campus security for them to see if there was something they could do about it. They said they would look into and escorted us back to our residences. I took such a scalding hot shower that I was still pink from it, but I still didn’t feel clean.

The group chat was blowing up with questions. The poor rookies were understandably upset. They thought someone was trying to haze them, but that wasn’t the case at all. Hazing wasn’t something we did anymore. They didn’t do it in my first year, and Emma said that her class was the last one that got hazed.

I didn’t have the energy to be dealing with this, so I muted the chat for the time being. Nura was sitting on her bed, her eyes on her computer screen but I could see her looking at me from time to time. I mean, I would be too. If Nura came back and told me that she just ended up taking a blood shower, I would be fucking concerned too.

I rolled over and tugged at my ear. It was habit of mine when I was anxious about something, and I was definitely anxious about this. If it turned out to be a stupid prank from one of the other teams, that would be one thing. But if it wasn’t…then what did it mean?

I had this crazy thought, pulling my phone up to my face. I wanted to see if it happened any time else. I did a quick Google search, and found out that this wasn’t the first time that something like this happened at this school. It was in 1968, and in 1995, and again in 2007. Okay, that was interesting.

Okay, so unless someone was dumping bodies into a water reservoir that only affected the women’s locker room, something freaky was going on. I’m not that big into that spiritual mumbo jumbo, but I’m not going to deny that this was more than a coincidence. However, it was history, something I specialized in. If I could trace back and see if there were any more connections, maybe I can establish a pattern.

That was a problem for Lyn of tomorrow, however. I was thoroughly exhausted after tonight’s events. I bookmarked the page on my phone, just so I wouldn’t forget. I was going to need my laptop for this.

I just hoped I could find something that can explain what the hell happened.

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